#the reality is that like... i do not want to spend my time

[dduane]

What are your thoughts on companies like this that offer 'coaching services' for hopeful unpublished novelists?

This smells of scam to me but maybe I'm just a cynic:

Publishing Your Book

Query Letter Coaching/Editing – $550 per book (this includes two passes)

Synopsis Coaching & Editing – $750 per book (this includes two passes)

Proposal Coaching & Editing – $1,500 per book

Traditional Publishing Coaching – $200/hour (finding an agent, crafting your proposal, etc.)

Indie Publishing – $1000 (distribution to all platforms for optimal international exposure, guidance on pricing, blurb-writing, logistics, and keywords)

ISBNs for Indie Publishing – $150 per book format. Free if publishing through [the company selling these coaching services]

Briefly: before I got involved with any such operation, I'd want to talk to (multiple) people they'd worked with previously and find out what kinds of experiences they'd had. And in line with this, I'd be extremely cautious about any operation that wasn't run by professionals with a verifiable track record, and which wouldn't offer verifiable examples of feedback from people whose reality as non-sockpuppets could also be confirmed. And whom you could contact without having to go through the company in question.

On other issues: I'm looking kind of askance at some of those prices. (Here adding the disclaimer: I know people who do this kind of work out of a grounding of significant expertise and in good faith, and I'm not clear on what they're charging because I haven't really looked into it... not particularly needing it myself at this late stage in the game.)

At least part of the problem I'm having with the prices being charged in your example is based on the knowledge of how very much information of this kind is available free online. And yeah, there's the old chestnut about "The advice is worth what you've paid for it"... but that has sort of an unspoken negative corollary: "Except when you've paid for it and it nonetheless turns out not to have been worth much."

The trouble with the non-independent-publishing suggestions is that all of them deal with imponderables. Even if all the advice you purchase from those people at all those varied prices is absolutely right on the money, there's still no way to guarantee that any of it is going to lead to success in getting query letters, synopses or proposals actually looked at. Which puts this whole concept squarely in the nature of a gamble.

Not that luck doesn't have a role to play in a professional writing career. Sometimes you're just standing in the right place at the right time with a manuscript in your hands. But getting the idea that you can depend on that luck for any reason is unwise... as divine Fortuna is anciently famous for wandering all over the room, blowing on other folks' dice. (And if this makes me sound like I fall well down on the "Fortune Favors The Prepared" end of the spectrum: yeah, that.)

My advice would be to spend a good long while online, thoroughly researching all the free sites that have info to offer on all the traditional-publishing-facing topics. Then, after exhausting the available possibilities, if you still think you need to engage paid professional assistance... make inquiries among as many verifiable professionals as you can non-invasively query, before parting with any money at all.

As regards the indie-oriented fees: I'm finding those pretty steep. The prices for ISBNs in particular bother me. (Especially since in many places you can routinely buy packages of ten for about what these folks would charge you for two.) Yes, they're free if you publish with them: that sounds lovely. But publishers would normally buy many of those packages of ten. Or packages of a hundred: the more ISBNs you buy at once, the cheaper they get. And if you're paying the company for other services, who cares about the ISBNs? They're making money off you in different ways. Possibly equally overpriced ones.

So to finish: this is very much caveat emptor territory. There will inevitably be scammers out there, claiming their rates to be less than "bigger companies" are charging, but still too much. Therefore... advance only with utmost care.

...And adding this: @petermorwood glanced at the price list over my shoulder and said, "I wouldn't touch any of those with a barge pole."

At any rate: HTH!

...And now a word regarding our regrettably fickle non-sponsor, via Ol' Blue Eyes. :)

#writing #writing advice #paying for breaking-in coaching #writing meta

[hazelfoureyes]

Why do I keep disappearing into fantasies and stories about fictional characters? When will I become happy and stop reading them to feel at least a drop of warm emotions?

Perhaps the life you’re in now isn’t fulfilling and stimulating enough? Maybe it’s better in your head.

When I was my most depressed I always stayed in my head. If I wasn’t asleep I was far away in my mind doing anything other than addressing the reality I was physically in.

There are signs here on the river banks warning people to stay away when it rains. Because even though you feel safe on the grass, it’ll become slippery and you can slide into the raging waters of the river and drown.

Fantasy can be like that for us who are lacking things in life. We’re on the grass, a safe distance from the depressive and consuming currents. But we’re just a shifting weight from falling down the hill.

From my personal experience, I had to fake those warm emotions in myself before I could even try to find it elsewhere or even actually make it myself. Before I could escape the allure of fantasy.

If I’m going to spend all day in my room then I made it feel like somewhere worth being in. If I’m going to be alone I want to enjoy my company, so I took time to try and dress like someone I’d be happy to pretend to be. Whether it meant trying harder to accessorize or just meant washing my hair that day and brushing my teeth. I made up things to be happy with, I romanticized the otherwise unappreciated things. I’d take myself to the beach or on long walks in safe places. Id get a hot chocolate and hold it with both hands and feel that warmth until it faded. Id microwave it so many times to get it back to temperature, even in the Florida summers.

I needed distractions so I’d ride a cheap thrift bicycle I got for 10$ for hours. I painted. I did these things and still daydreamed and fantasized about other places I could exist in, but slowly found myself proud of the strength in my legs and the skills I was making while I was still in my head.

But that’s what it’s about, right? Distractions and making up what you don’t already have but really want. Excitement, love, sex, power, allure.

Maybe you need a distraction of a different form? Maybe it would help to distract your body while your mind is away and maybe you’ll like this reality more and find your brain making better chemicals. Maybe it’ll lead to meeting people with similar distractions who fulfill you more than your fictional darlings. Maybe you’ll just enjoy being here more, in this world. Sometimes that doesn’t help. Sometimes we need different help. I have OCD and take medicine to manage it, because my brain needs the extra help.

Maybe your life needs more outlets for that creativity in your head.

I could be totally off base and entirely misunderstanding what you mean, so forgive me if I just went off in a useless tangent. Maybe I don’t understand all, in which case, I am sorry.

I hope you have the resources, will, and energy to find ways to get what’s missing and get those warm emotions in this reality.

I hope you’re on the river bank still, and not already sliding down the wet grass.

(Sending long distance hugs, warm and sweaty)

[j3lly-fish]

👽₊˚⊹ 𝐂𝐚𝐬𝐬 𝐂𝐞𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐝 ⊹˚₊🔮

Cass can't seem to get past the Neophyte spellcaster rank. Must be a mix of her skipping classes and her inability to care about ranking up. Stuck in neophyte classes, Cass spends most of her time in the realm whining about the cafeteria food and tattooing the bold and daring students during lunch breaks at school. In reality, she's quite the skilled spellcaster, managing to beat most at duels without a sweat. She insists that she's an alien that crashed in the realm in a spaceship, which most people continue to believe to be one of her many attention grabbing stories.

I'm gonna start posting stuff like this more often cause

It's fun

I do what I want

I like sharing stories/sims

Cass was a lil fuck around in CAS (Lol... I didnt mean the pun there till now) and I ended up really liking her. At some point if I ever do start my story, she seems more than ready to make an appearance HAHA

CC Used:

Hair || Horns || Earrings || Glasses || Eyes || Eyebrows || Skin Color || Skinblend || Eyelashes || Arms Gradient || Doodle Tats || Top || Shorts || Nails || Lipstick || Eyeshadow || Nose Ring || Eyeliner || Star Makeup || Mesh Top || Socks || Necklace || Shoes || Antennae || Moles || Nose Shader || Face Details

I don't tag cc creators cause I'm nervous I'm sorry

Right hand Bracelet is from Luxury Party and Left hand Bracelets are from Get Together!

Space Dividers Found Here!

#sims 4 cas #sims 4 #j3lly sims #simblr #sims 4 lookbook #cas #wcif friendly #sims 4 aliens #show us your sims #sims cas #create a sim #ts4 cas #maxis match #lookbook

[lukecvntstellan]

do you reckon u could do a leo x reader fluff plsss 🙏

a/n: this is the first time i've written anything ____ x reader in a LOOONNNGGGGG time... forgive me if i'm rusty. don't be tooo mean i'll probably sob idk

improper grammar probably (not proofread) and written in all lowercase because i dont feel like capitalizing

---

hurt/comfort with leo valdez x reader i guesssss

---

leo had been down on himself recently. him and his significant other had been together almost a year now. as of late he had been locking himself in bunker nine, away from his friends and s/o.

leo had been drowning himself in work, alone in bunker 9, as an excuse for his loneliness. over his music he hears the door swing open, he looks up expecting to see his s/o, but is instead greeted by one of his best friends, piper mclean.

"hey, leo. we noticed you've been spending a lot of time in here... is everything okay?"

the question he knew was coming, but had been dreading.

leo unplugged his radio before saying, "yeah, piper, i've been great. just working on a big project!" trying to feign excitement over his project, which in reality was a pile of scrap metal on his desk that he wasn't quite sure what to do with.

"i'm sorry, but you're the most social out of our friend group? locking yourself in here for days is unusual. y/n has been worried about you. you haven't even spoken to them?"

"okay piper. i'm sorry. okay? i just don't know what to say. you're the only person i've opened up to before. i'm scared y/n would leave me if they knew what was happening. i can't tell them. being with me is already hard enough, i don't need to add on additional burden with the nightmares i've been having..."

despite being "closer" with jason, leo had only ever talked about his feelings with piper before. jason already had enough of his own problems, and never really noticed when leo was going through something.

ever since leo was claimed by his father he had been told by multiple people that he was fated to always be the outsider, never have a place, always the seventh wheel. those words echo through his mind constantly, never ending. because of this, having an s/o was hard. thoughts of "do i deserve this?" "are they going to leave me?" and "am i good enough for them?" were always cycling through his mind.

piper's voice cut through leo's thoughts, "i'm not the one you should be apologizing to. i think you need to talk to them. they're worried about you. do you want to tell me what's been happening first though?"

"do you remember a few months ago i told you about the dreams i had, with hera in them?"

"oh gods.. they're back?"

"yeah... i haven't been sleeping to avoid them. but now i'm so tired and i want to sleep. but i'm scared."

piper moved to give leo a quick hug. "i'm sorry that the dreams are back. i'm gonna get y/n to come talk to you. okay?"

"thanks beauty queen." (**LEOS NORMAL NICKNAME FOR HER IN THE BOOKS**)

as piper was leaving leo walked over to the bed he had made for his late nights in bunker nine, preparing for a conversation he did not want to have.

emotions weren't leo's strong suit. he always tried to be funny and cool to distract from any emotional issues that were happening. no amount of jokes could hide the dark circles under his eyes and his unbrushed hair. he looked rough.

the door opened, and y/n walked in and sat down next to leo. running their hand through his unkempt curls they asked, "are you okay, what's going on? i'm worried about you."

leo laid down, his head in y/n's lap, and their hands gently playing with his hair.

"my dreams have been really bad recently. i haven't been sleeping to avoid them. i'm so tired. i haven't been able to finish any project i've started. i can't do anything right-" leo pointed to the haphazard pile of junk on his desk.

tears started to form, leo tried to blink them away, to no success.

"i guess i've always been insecure? i've been told by hera and nemesis that i'm meant to be this outsider with no role and will always be alone and now i just feel like i don't deserve you. and all my dreams lately have just been those same words on repeat. hera standing there telling me that i'm always going to be the seventh wheel. i'm never going to find my place. i can't take it anymore."

y/n pressed a light kiss to his forehead while contemplating their words.

"leo. you realize that isn't true, right? you DO deserve me. you're not an outsider either, you have a place in our friend group. everyone there loves you. and I love you-"

"love me? you haven't said that before"

"i've been thinking it for a while"

leo couldn't hide the smile that was taking over his face. "really? i love you too, actually, i love you more." he sat up and tackled y/n down on the bed in a hug. "you can't ever leave me now, you're trapped here!" leo said through a laugh.

"you know, i wouldn't dream of it."

"i mean, you probably will. the demigod dreams go kinda crazy."

"you know what i meant, stupid."

"WHAT! you think i'm stupid?" leo protested.

"no. i didn't mean it like that and you know it."

leo shut up after that. being in the arms of his partner after not sleeping for days was making the sleepiness overwhelming. y/n noticed leo drifting off, running their hands through his hair and whispering soft "i love you's" and other sweet nothings.

this was the first night of no nightmares in a week for him :)

---

this is ASSS bc i wrote it at mostly 4am and i dont proofread. the concept is there, the execution isn't.

i love leo i think he deserves some comfort in his life PLEASE

#percy jackson #heroes of olympus #leo valdez #riordanverse #hoo #leo pjo #percy jackon and the olympians #leo hoo

[not-poignant]

Sorry if you've been asked this before, but do you use Discord, and if so, do you know of any good servers for writers/omegaverse writers in particular? All the ones I can find are either roleplay-centric or dead.

Hi anon,

I do use Discord! There's even a Fae Tales Discord server that I run. :D

Unfortunately I've only ever been on one omegaverse server for readers and it was extremely heterosexual in nature and I didn't find anything relatable / relevant to me, so I switched it to mute and never visited again. I can't actually remember the name of the group (I think it was the Omegaverse Reader's Association or something like it), but you might want to look on Facebook for omegaverse fan / reader / writer groups because many of them have Discords as well.

Despite the name of the Omegaverse Reader's Association, it's mostly writers, and you can expect a lot of promo. It's a mostly dead server (I've just checked in for the first time in like a year), but if you're looking for recs, and mostly just read or want heterosexual content, it might be the place for you.

Otherwise yeah I never wanted to be a member of any omegaverse servers so I don't know any. I'm really fussy about the Discord servers I join, and my omegaverse is different enough that I usually feel like a loner/outsider in any omegaverse group I'm in. I don't like a lot of the tropes, and don't kind of click in the same way a lot of allosexual people seem to, so that's like, not a fun time for me even in active groups.

I wish you luck, anon!

#asks and answers #fae tales discord #the reality is that like... i do not want to spend my time #in a server where people talk about omegaverse tropes all the time #and most of what's getting recced is M/F #it's just not my thing #tbh i'm a member of zero reader groups #and only two writer groups - the first is 4TheWords #and the second is the writer group i run myself which is extremely small/local #and needed a digital branch due to the pandemic

[peridotite]

im still reeling from gohan outright stating that he doesn't like fighting. everything he's been through since he was 4 years old up to adulthood. and he doesn't like fighting. every exhausting training he's had, every battle he's ever fought, every victory or defeat, every villain he's ever had to face for the sake of the world. and he doesn't like fighting. he's just a kid who wants to make the people he loves proud

#ok like obviously gohan hits different fpr me bc he's been my fave since i was a tiny child but like. he's just so different from the rest #goku and krillin and the others wanted to be fighters. saiyans want to fight. piccolo likes it too he spends his free time getting stronger #goten and trunks want to fight. even future trunks was eager to follow in gohan's footsteps and likes training #but gohan was just a kid violently thrust into world defining battle after world defining battle #he never wanted to be a fighter #its just the reality he was born into #he constantly states that ''im the son of goku!'' so he Has to do this he Has to defeat them but he just wants to be a researcher!! #he's a little kid with no friends his age except an also traumatized alien child #bc he spent his entire childhood either fighting for his life or training til his bones broke or locked in his room studying advanced shit #his best friend is his mentor/surrogate dad who kidnapped him and beat him up and abandoned him in the wild for 6 months when he was FOUR #(ily piccolo) #anyway. i love gohan im glad he lives a happy life in his adulthood (ignoring whatever the hell happens in dbs and dbs super hero) #my posts #dbz #gohan

[magentagalaxies]

having a moment about my gender rn and i'm just like ugggggh @ my brain do we have to. like can we just not

#i need to go to bed soon bc i have a 10am class tomorrow but shoutout to the identity crisis i've been having since at least feb 6th #idk if identity crisis is even the right word. bc like one thing about me is that i have a very solid sense of self #like i know who i am and what i want and how i move through the world and what it feels like to be me #but in terms of how i label and explain that to others? that's where the identity crisis comes in #but no one else gets to experience me in first person POV so the descriptors i use and they ways i present myself are reality to them #and tbh? as i think about how some of the descriptors i use for myself don't accurately describe me some people are getting mad??? #which is so fucking bizarre bc like. what the fuck it's my gender why are YOU being offended??? #but it's also making me low key be like ''wait am i a bad person now????'' #even tho i don't believe morality works like that. idk it's just been an exhausting month and a half #if anyone wants to hear more in depth thoughts on all this i would love to vent about it #(but not rn bc i will be going to bed as soon as i get this all out) #but like what i will say now is even tho this past month and a half has been ROUGH (for several reasons especially gender) #and people might expect that me spending so much time with scott in february made it more exhausting #which is understandable we love scott but touring in general is tiring and also i am the most opinionated person i've ever met but so is he #and also like. if you've heard scott talk about gender it's very obvious we disagree on a lot of things and he doesn't shy away from that #but the thing is. i'd actually say spending so much time with scott (even when we talk about gender. even when we *argue* about gender) #was actually such a good thing for me throughout all of this bc even when we disagree on semantics of labels #scott actually sees me beyond that rather than reducing my identity to what i call myself #which is how a lot of well-meaning allys tend to treat me. like i'm just one thing. #so when i'm with scott i never really have to think about my gender #bc he doesn't treat me like i'm (insert whatever gender people treat me like). he just treats me like i'm jessamine #and i'm tired of having to explain myself into smaller pieces so people can pretend to get it #but i feel like there's no way not to do that in our society rn especially at my ''progressive'' liberal arts college

[falled-over]

i got a ds as my christmas present a few years back with a copy of animal crossing (which is considered a bad version of the game btw) and something i keep coming back to is these little objectively somewhat pointless interactions like going for a coffee. you just go to the cafe, and buy a cup. you drink it, and you leave. i always say goodbye before i go. im trying to say thanks. i cant really see any practical reason for doing it, it is objectively just a money suck, but i love doing it. at first i thought the little bird who runs it might open up to me but he doesnt seem the type, but i still like him, so i go and visit him. it feels so real. like he remembers me but doesnt like talking about it. its such an incredibly special and intimate feeling. i wonder if other games at the time were able to cultivate this or if it was unique

#ive only really played modern games where everything has a reward. it was so nice to do something so close to reality #im sure there might be some in game reason to do it but i dont know. maybe you get energy or something #i dont really care. i felt like i was forming a connection emotionally. i wish we still valued that in games #its the only thing im really interested in. #if you have any game recommendations for the ds lmk actually. my sister got a 3ds this year #its funny. i wanted a gaming console so bad as a kid. specifically a ds or a wii #and we have them now! and i dont much care about them. and im kind of glad. im glad i was forced to do something else #i do not look down on gaming as a hobby at all but i am glad its a smaller one for me #i would also like to talk about a similar feeling i felt when i played subnautica (which they took off the gamepass before i could finish i #what the fuck man.) #they briefly put the sequel on so obvi i gave it a shot but i feel it was terrible in comparison #something uniquely insane about the first one is the feeling of isolation. the deep fear #you crash land on the planet and immediately all your communication off-planet is cut and it seems everyone perished in the crash #you spend a couple of hours getting situated and then the ships core explodes. a huge shock wave shakes the entire planet #standing on top of my pod and looking out at the mountain-sized wreck was an insane feeling of isolation. you have to experience it. #and then you start picking up signals on your little tablet. other escape pods. the signals from previous missions who came to do research #you travel out. find food. build things. the whole time working towards seeing if you can find the other pods #each one #empty #often containing a log of their last moments. usually eaten by something. you got lucky #you landed in the only area without a massive predator. #you find alien tech. learn about a disease that wiped out the planet. the entire time you are completely alone #its such a unique feeling. no npcs. no story you have to follow if you dont want to. but god is there not much else. you'll get around to i #discovering the alien species is horrifying and amazing #its an incredible game and i think its sense of loneliness is its greatest achievement. being truly alone on an uncaring planet #sitting there and watching the fish swim by #its unmatched. truly #i would actually love game recommendations if you have any. i love games with unique story lines or characters too #im much more into stories than gameplay #which totally goes against what i just said about subnautica in theory but not in practice

[effervescent-fool]

.

#really negative vent ahead so Read At Your Own Risk. im being very insufferable rn #spiraling so hard. cant tell u why though #ive genuinely ruined every last one of my relationships #not but doing anything in particular. but thats the problem #*by #im not Doing Anything #im so uninteresting?? #like im barely even a person #i dont feel real. no one gains anything from being around me #every time i force myself back into reality im reminded of how fleeting it all is #so i spend all my time in my own mind #and thus let all of my relationships collect dust #i keep telling myself that i can be better that ill be there for people in the morning but i never am #and no one else is living the way i am. i have no excuse for not answering texts #every interaction feels like a burden. i dont want to live like this but i dont see any way out #im not living im just surviving. its day to day. and i dont know how to support others when im struggling to even keep myself alive rn #im fine. this is fine 🙂

[cloventine]

Don't you hate it when someone you deeply care for an love tells you that they don't even like your special interests nor do they even care for your creativity/ocs

Yeah. Pain. Yahooo :)!!!!

#clover ramblings #now i will cry all day #is this what like rejection dysfunction or whatever its called feels like? #like i just want to share what ive spent years creating and people just acknowledging it #like even if its a simple thumbs up or like a smiley face i just want people to notice all the hard extensive work in writing i do #like i spend so much time working on in depth about my characters #and all their personalities #their thoughts and feelings #do i just work to hard? whats even the point of making all this stuff if no one even cares #like i mean sure i do it for myself too but i get lonely and sad when reality hits me and i realize that no one actually cares

[vulpinesaint]

my toxic trait is that i think alastor hazbin hotel is cool actually. sorry for not being immune to the red-coded new orleans serial killer with a jazz age radio-based persona and character design meant to evoke the image of a deer. not like he's fucking tailor made to cater to my interests or anything. AND he's ace

#every day i live my life frustrated by the fact that this dude is a hazbin hotel character #watched the pilot for morbid curiosity reasons in high school and did not like it up to the point that he showed up #but then like. he's fucking COOL dude. i ENJOY him. fuck all that shit but he's got swag idk #i've said this before but if i was a few years younger and a different type of insufferable i could have been a hazbin hotel fan #and it would have been awful for everyone #well. maybe not a Fan. i hate vegan vampire-esque stories #(character who is born and raised to do a thing doesn't want to do that thing for no reason bc. uh.... #they spontaneously developed a moral conscience out of nowhere with no environmental precedent? #akin to a vampire who spends all their time bemoaning the fact that they have to kill people. bitch get over it and be sexy) #so i wouldn't have enjoyed the story Anyway i think it's so fucking stupid #but maybe i would have engaged with it. online posting hate ab the main character and like. kinning this dude. idk #alternate realities are so easy and terrifying to imagine #valentine notes #this BETTER not show up in the tag for this shit i want nothing to do with it 😭

[swervestrickland]

you ever cry because a calculator just told you that with the job you want to have, you still won’t be able to afford having kids? no? just me then

#no i do not need a reality check i just need my idealistic head in the clouds and my sheer force of will #look i think i would fuck a child up in the head actually so i dont actually think it's right for me to have a child #but my god. what else is there #i know it's wrong to think this way but i spend so much time worrying about death #and my non existence #that i really just think that if i had a kid maybe i could settle my mind a little #have something else to think about #and be settled in the sense that. a part of me will live on maybe #and yet at the same time. how could i bring them into this fucked up world? #i dont know man it really fucking hurts #just want someone that will love me is all i guess #but then again even that won't last if im a piece of shit mom #or even if im a good one. even #kids just Be like that ya know? #idk man my brain hurts #just tired of feeling so alone

[siena-sevenwits]

.

#Maybe 84 Charing Cross Road had too strong an effect on me. As I turn my head this way and that #trying to figure out what I shall do with myself when the semester is over and ties are cut with the school I've been teaching for this pas #decade #it occurs to me that I might go - hat in hand as it were - to the old bookseller who runs my favourite used bookstore of all time. #The shop has the most wonderfully curated selection. The first time I walked in there #having been used to the used book section in value village #I almost had my breath taken away #I have to be careful not to go there too often because I am weak for spending money on books #but every Christmas I go and buy a ton as presents and usually something for myself #and I ask the owner if I can start a stack on his counter while I shop and he is always happy and comments on my finds as I bring them #He is kind and conversational on those occasions #My mom once struck up a long conversation with him when we were there together #and learned how he has owned that shop forty years or so and does not have an assistant because he's always managed on his own #And last night as I tried to fall asleep I got ridiculously ahead of myself and imagined the possibilities of employment there in #the detail of a novel without much regard for the probable realities - the realities that he has given no sign of wanting to hire and #having gone so far without an assistant probably doesn't want one #that there would be sides to the job which would likely be dreary #and that as with any job there would be all kinds of difficulties #BUT I often need these romantic imaginings to spur me on to take any kind of action. So - this might be silly - but I am thinking of doing #things the old fashioned way - of going round to the shop rather than emailing him - and asking if there is any chance that there might #be opportunities for work. It will likely all come to nothing and I'll keep looking #but I'll at least make a memory of having tried.

[pussy-ache]

i probably shouldn’t read about bpd before bed

#cuz now it’s 330am and i’m crying cuz i have no way to actually mentally process love effectively #like it’s so weird to realize that as much as romantic love and intimacy interest me as concepts #i crave it until the exact moment where i can get it for myself #and then the craving dissipates #like how do i say ‘’hey i know we’ve been having fun for years and you seem to be falling in love with me #but i have no desire to actually be loved by you or touched by you in an actual real way’’ #especially because the attention i receive is the only dopamine i get that gets me out of bed #so essentially i just use people and string them along knowing i’ll never actual want more than surface level anything #and this is what i mean when i say i do not love right. like on paper i seem fine. in theory i seem fine. in practice not so much #there is something so deeply cracked about my desires sexually and romantically completely disappearing #like it really hurts him that he craves my touch and love and i crave. nothing. #like he always craves video chats and calls and loves seeing me and talking to me and idc if i ever have that. i don’t crave it at all #the roleplay of intimacy is fun and then it’s not anymore when people expect me to actually seriously want to spend time with them #i feel like i want to want someone because i’ve been taught i should #the way i operate romantically and sexually falls completely in line with BPD #i will probably be alone for the majority of my life #and i know i can do that but i was promised to some degree that the normal thing to do as an adult is cohabitate / be intimate with someone #and now i’m like ‘’well no one prepared me for a reality where because of a mental illness i might not actually be able to do that’’ #i wasn’t prepared for the possibility that i truly will live life alone because of this #and now it’s like 4am and i’m staring at the wall and having it hit me like a ton of bricks #it’s like in order to actually fall in love at all i’m going to have to beat back this mental illness at any given moment forever #and that’s IF and only IF i’m able to even fall in love in the first place #it doesn’t seem like i’m actually capable of falling in love

[autisticlee]

it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!

i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"

why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)

ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!

this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!

why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.

#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!! #people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc #but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?! #its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them #AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING #that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭 #so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead? #no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going? #if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right? #ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too #perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well #that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less #i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever #but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends #what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one #this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries. #if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move. #if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it #lee rambles #autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #autistic friendship #friendship problems #loneliness #communication #cptsd #rsd #the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃

[aeide-thea]

the eternal, often-unsuccessful struggle to separate 'hm i personally am not enjoying Thing because it smacks of Unpleasantness to me' from 'i actually dislike Thing because it's Inherently Problematic, amazing how my personal taste is an unfailing radar that way' 😔

#like i can't tell you how often i've seen people on this website go 'minimalism is elitist!!' #and i'm like 'you could just as easily call maximalism elitist tho‚ have you ever checked out a little thing called uh. roman catholicism' #when really the reality is—both aesthetics are possible to link to Problematic Ideologies. #both aesthetics come in expensive and inexpensive versions. #ultimately taste *can* be about elitism‚ as most things can‚ but the relationship between the two isn't a hard-and-fast rule. #i personally do appreciate a certain degree of minimalism‚ and i could tell you it's bc my mother was a hoarder and bc i have adhd #so less-busy spaces make me feel more like i can think and like i have some control over my own space— #and all of that would be true! but also: my personal preference for a certain degree of minimalism is value-neutral. #i don't need to offer up excuses for it‚ as long as i'm not a dick to other people about it. #i don't judge people who have different preferences #but if you keep your space beyond a certain level of (what i experience as) clutter i will probably not want to spend a lot of time in it. #(VERY much @-ing myself here also‚ lol. time 2 clean my room.) #anyway these tags have gotten off-track but i just am like. really thinking a lot lately about 'i' statements #both wrt my own blogging and wrt things other people do/say that rub me the wrong way a little‚ lol #and i just think like. it's very easy to make sweeping claims and i'm not remotely immune to the allure of that! #it feels clever and analytical and like you've Taken a Strong Stance! #but increasingly i think—socmed culture has taught a lot of us to make claims about insidious‚ sometimes invisible harm #and i think we'd do better‚ or anyway i would‚ to instead make more claims about how things feel *to me* #harm is often imaginary tbh whereas 'you guys can do what you want but thing X makes me personally feel Y' is indisputable #not to mention easier to garner sympathy for! #(i mean in theory. i definitely have gotten some eyerolls/subtweets etc #but i THINK that's largely bc i still haven't gotten the 'i' statement thing down well enough. v much a work in progress there.) #(though tbh there IS a thing where even ppl who've been told *they* were oversensitive will turn around and do it to you) #(bc we're all steeped in this culture that's like. is yr discomfort/unhappiness etc Objectively Reasonable) #(or are you just a humorless pussy who oughta suck it up) #anyway idk. it's all about balance really. which is hard when everything's dizzyingly rough! #just some sunday nite thots. #sorry to be so long-winded in tags but like. at least those are by default collapsed unless YOU opted to expand them lol #opt-in verbosity!