#then i tried doing what my therapist suggested and tried setting a boundary

[a-little-bit-poss]

.

#my mom sent me pictures of me as a kid again today #then i tried doing what my therapist suggested and tried setting a boundary #just being like 'please dont send me pictures of me as a kid' #and she barreled right past it without recognizing it so i answered what she asked me #i then told her i was trying to set a boundary and it would be great that we could recognize it #but she didnt text back #and that hurts #and the fact it hurts makes me feel like the delicate little flower my therapist told me i was #but i dont want to bellyache about it or self pity #i guess it just is what it is #fuck

[inkskinned]

there are a lot of posts out there that are positive and healthy coping mechanisms for handling the holidays. this is not one of them :)

i think there's like. going to be times in your life you will be stuck in a social situation that you cannot escape from gracefully. i do not know why the internet doesn't believe these times exist. it's not always just that your physical safety is at risk - sometimes it's legit like "i just don't currently have the energy or time to put in the effort of responding to this." sometimes it's a coworker you hate so much. sometimes it's just like, fine, you know? like you know you can handle your aunt when she's cheerily horrible, but if you actually set a boundary around her, it's going to be weeks of fallout with your father.

i don't know why people think the answer is always just "cut them out!" or "don't let them get away with that!" because ... the real world is tricky and complicated. i think kind of a lot of us have an internal "radiation poisoning" meter for certain people. like - i'm talking about the ones who are absolutely giving you gradual ick damage. like, you can handle them, but you'll be exhausted.

and yes. you absolutely should listen to your therapist and the good posts about handling others and set good boundaries and take care of yourself. prioritize peace.

HOWEVER :) ...... since im often in a situation with a Gradual Sense of Ick person i cannot just "cut out" of my life (without losing someone else precious to me) - i have sort of developed the most. maladaptive form of mischief possible. because like, if i'm going to have to listen to this shit again, i like to have a little bit of private fun with it.

now! again, i am physically safe, just mentally drained by this man. you should only do this with people you are not in danger with. which leads me to my suggestions for when your Unfortunate Acquaintance shows up and says oh everyone pay attention to me.

my favorite word is "maybe!" said as brightly and happily as possible. whenever the Horrible Person starts in on a topic you do not want to go further with, particularly if they make a claim that you know to be inaccurate, do not respond to it. you and i have both tried to actually argue with this person, and it hasn't gone well, because this person just wants the drama of an argument. however, "maybe!" gives them literally nothing to go on. it is incredibly disarming. they are used to people having some response. they know they can't prove what they're saying, and maybe! treats them like the child they are. it dismisses them in the politest way possible.

i like to say maybe! and then, in their stunned silence, immediately change the subject. this is because i have adhd and i will have something unrelated to talk about, but if you can't think of topics fast enough, i recommend just pointing to something and saying, "isn't that lovely?" because fuck you let's bring in some positivity.

by the way. that second trick - of pointing to something and stating an opinion about it? - that just works on its own, like, 70% of the time. i picked it up from teaching preschoolers. it's an intentional "redirect". it stops children crying and it also stops grown adults from finishing their explanation on why women belong in kitchens. dual wielding!

keep it silly for yourself. i absolutely do not care if people think i'm fucking stupid (it's more fun if they do) and as a result i will purposefully misunderstand things just to see how long it takes them to realize i've completely removed them from the subject at hand. when they say "women aren't funny" i get to be like. "which women." "all women." "all women in america?" "no in the world." "like the mole people? the people in the world?" "what? no. like, alive." "oh are we not counting the mole people?" "what the fuck are you talking about." "you don't believe in the mole people?"

similarly, i play a personal game called "one up me." my Evil Acquaintance literally knows this game exists (my family & friends caught onto it and now also play it) and it always fucking gets him. i don't know why. you have to be willing to be a little free-spirited on this one, though. the trick is that when they make one of those horrible little bigoted or annoying comments they are always making, you need to go one unit weirder. not more intense, mind you - just more weird. "you don't look good in that dress." "yeah, actually, my other dress was covered in squid ink due to a mishap at the soup store." "you shouldn't wear such revealing clothes." "wait, what? oh shit. sorry, your son tears off strips when no one is looking and eats them. i swear it was longer before we left the building."

the point of "one up me" is to completely upend this person's narrative. we both know this person likes setting up situations where you cannot "win" and then they really like telling other people how badly you handled it. in a usual situation, if you respond "please don't say something that rude", you're a bitch. but if you let it happen, you're letting yourself be debased. they are not usually expecting door number three: unflappably odd. because what are they going to say when they're telling everyone how badly you behaved? "she said my son eats her dresses" ".... okay?"

if you can, form an allyship with someone whomst you can tagteam with. where they can pick up on your weird "soup store" story and run with it.

the following phrase is amazing and can be deployed for any situation: "oh, be nice :) it's the holidays!" i do not know why this works as often as it does. i'll say it for the most random shit. i think this is bc most of the time these people know they're being impolite, they just like to fight.

godbless. when in doubt, remember that you could always start stealing their pens.

the whole point of this is - if you can't escape. maybe see how long you can just be. like. a horrible little menace.

#this is objectively bad advice #don't listen to it protect yourself and do real work on yourself find one of the good posts i've made about this #but also. u know. if u want to have fun while u do the work of setting boundaries #.... it IS fun #i will say that my fear of him went SO down after i just started. fucking with him. #bc i used to get SO fucking upset #i'd spend WEEKS arguing with him. tearing my hair out. sick with anxiety and dread and anger about all of it #and now i just LITERALLY do not engage #instead i'm like '' haha :) mole people" and get the HELL out of any tense conversation #i kind of think some of these people are literally addicted to drama as a form of connection #they like the rush they get from arguing #but those arguments are incredibly damaging for me #so like..... i am in the process of literally rehabilitating this person to figure out how to find connection thru #NORMAL CONVERSATION #he doesn't get it yet #i also do talk to them like they're preschool kids lmafo . ''are you using a safe and kind voice right now?'' #'' do you need a snackie? you sound a little upset. let's have some hummus and come back to playtime when we feel ready''

[writingforstraykids]

I owe you a kiss - Pt.8

Pairing: Minchan x femReader (mention of Changlix)

Word Count: 3478

Summary: Three weeks later, you're still feeling left out. Your therapist suggests communicating your worries to your husbands, but this doesn't go as planned.

Warnings/Tags: fluff, angst, therapy, verbal fight, anxious!chan, min gets defensive

A/N: After part seven I thought I'd be done with one part more tops...well. Once more, there'll be another chapter after this. Ideas/wishes are always welcome, I'll see what I can include🤭🖤

PART SEVEN | PART NINE

Three weeks later 

“And you still don't want your husbands there for the appointments?” your therapist asks kindly. She has been for weeks now. 

“No,” you shake your head firmly. 

“May I ask why?” she asks patiently. 

“Minho has a lot to deal with on his own because he remembers…also, he hates hospitals,” you start and nervously fidget with your hands. “Chan is…different.”

“Different, how?” she responds with another question. 

“Distant is the wrong expression by now. He's trying to show me how much he loves me, but I can tell when he gets overwhelmed. He's still figuring things out, finding his place back home,” you tell, and she nods along, taking some notes. “I just…It's not all bad. He gets enough sleep now, makes sure to eat enough, and takes care of himself. It's just so different from what I remember.”

“And Minho? Is he getting the help he needs?” she asks. 

“Yes, he sees his therapist every two weeks. Weekly, if it's really bad, she always manages to squeeze him in,” you tell her. “He tries to hide it, but he still has nightmares. He's able to drive again if he has to, but he gets anxious easily.”

“And where does that leave you?” she asks patiently, nodding at the wooden board between the two of you. There's a figure for Chan and another for Minho, standing close next to each other. Behind them are several smaller figures in darker colors, symbolizing their fears and struggles. And there's you. Yours is smaller than theirs, standing further away as if you're facing them. 

“Alone,” you say, swallowing hard as you notice the distance between the figures. You hadn't thought much about it putting them there but they're painting a clear picture. 

“Are you?” she asks gently. 

“Sometimes,” you nod. “I don't feel like it when I'm alone with one of them. But if it's all three of us…I feel like they don't need me,” you say and subconsciously fondle the tiny head of the figure behind you, symbolizing your negative thoughts. 

“Do you want to change something?” she asks, picking up on it, and you set it between yours and the ones of your husbands. “Add anything?”

“I'm scared of losing them,” you say, and she nods at you, letting you choose another one. You put it next to the one you just moved. 

“May I comment on something?” she asks, and you nod. “You put your husband's fears and struggles behind them. But yours are in front of you, forming a wall between you all. Why's that?”

“Uh…because they've communicated theirs openly with me and are working on them. I didn't tell them I'm scared to lose them or all of the other thoughts running through my head,” you admit. 

“Mhm, so theirs are out in the open…why aren't yours?” she asks patiently, and you drop back into the comfortable chair. 

“I don't know,” you confess. “Maybe because I feel like I can't put more on their shoulders.”

“What happened when Chan told you he's scared to push your boundaries? What happened when Minho panicked?” she asks, flashing you a kind smile. 

“I comforted them, told them it's okay,” you say quietly. 

“And what makes you fear they wouldn't do the same with you?” she asks, making you lower your head a little embarrassed. 

“I don't know,” you admit quietly, feeling tears burn in your eyes. “I should tell them, right?”

She hums gently. “Communication seems to be very important to keep your relationship intact as you're all dealing with certain things.”

-

You're exhausted after your session, but you know you'd have to open up more about your own fears. You follow her outside into the waiting area to pay and frown as you see Chan talking to the receptionist. “Channie?” you ask, confused, and he looks up with a soft smile. 

“Hey, baby girl,” he says sweetly. “I thought I'd come pick you up, I finished early today.”

“Oh,” you nod and open your handbag to get your wallet. Chan introduces himself to your therapist, a warm smile brightening up his gorgeous face. You take out your card, and Chan gently shoves it back inside. 

“Already handled,” he tells you. 

“What? Channie, I had to pay for the whole month today,” you protest. 

“I know,” he nods and gently zips your handbag closed. “It's fine.”

“Thank you,” you nod gently, smiling as his hand finds yours. 

“You got everything?” he asks, and after you nod, you two say goodbye. Once you're in the elevator, Chan pulls you into a strong hug and kisses your hair. “You look like you've been crying. Rough one?” he asks caringly. 

“Yeah,” you nod, burying yourself in his warmth. “Thank you for picking me up, Channie angel.”

“Of course,” he tells you, rubbing your back. 

As you lean into Chan's embrace, you're reminded of the session's revelations. His warmth is reassuring, and it pushes against the shadows of your own unspoken fears. You wonder how to begin sharing them with him, how to bridge the gap that your silence had unknowingly broadened. "I have a lot on my mind," you finally say, your voice muffled against his coat.

Chan's response is soft, filled with his sweet patience. "I'm here whenever you're ready to talk," he assures you, his hand steady on your back. The simplicity of his promise makes something within you ease slightly. Perhaps sharing your inner conflicts wouldn't be as horrible as you feared.

“Thank you,” you nod gently. 

Chan leads you outside the building and to his car, your hand still in his. “I wanted to take you out for coffee, but would you rather go home? Whatever you say is fine, beautiful,” he assures you, and tears brim your eyes. 

“Our favorite spot?” you ask gently. 

Chan smiles sweetly, dimples showing. “Yeah,” he nods, giggling as your face lightens up. 

“I would love to,” you tell him. 

-

When you're back home, the atmosphere shifts as Minho greets you both from the sofa. His smile is shy, a reflection of his ongoing struggles, yet sincere. His eyes light up when he sees you. "Everything okay?" he asks, a subtle concern in his tone.

You nod, squeezing Chan's hand before letting go. "We need to talk, all of us," you say, surprising even yourself with the firmness in your voice. Minho's brow furrows slightly, but he nods, understanding the seriousness of your tone. He gestures towards the empty space next to him. 

As you all sit down, the weight of the moment hangs heavily in the air. You take a deep breath, gathering the courage to be as open as possible. "I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed," you begin, your voice stronger than you feel. "Not by you two specifically, but by everything. The fears I've kept to myself are... they're getting heavy."

Chan reaches for your hand again, his touch a silent promise. Minho leans in, ready to listen, to help shoulder the burden you've carried alone for too long. You share your fears—of losing them, of not being enough, of the future that seems so uncertain sometimes. With each confession, the walls you built crumble.

“You know you can always come to us when those thoughts get too much to handle, yeah?” Chan asks gently. 

“You're always there for us, honey, don't forget we're there for you too,” Minho adds agreeingly, gently rubbing your thigh. 

“I know…A lot of it is in my head, but I miss you two,” you admit. “I can't even explain it, but I miss you so much, and I just wish everything would be normal again,” you say, tears brimming your eyes. 

“Y/nnie,” Minho whispers and shakes his head, tears brimming his own eyes. “We have to work with what we got. A lot has happened, and we can't pretend it didn't. We have to find our new normal,” he tells you and timidly takes your hand.

“But we're always here, yeah? You're still our beautiful wife,” Chan chimes in. 

“Well, then start acting like it!” you suddenly burst out, and seeing the hurt and confusion lacing their features you quickly get up. “Start acting like I'm your wife and not just your crush you hold hands with from time to time.” 

“Seriously?” Minho asks dangerously low and Chan swallows, already fearing an outburst of both of you. “Tell me you're joking.”

“I'm not,” you snap at him. “Obviously, I'm not.”

“What the fuck do you need me to do then? What do I have to change, huh?” he snaps right back at you, getting up as well. 

“Guys, please,” Chan tries gently, but you both ignore him. 

“I don't know! But it feels like shit, I'm just some bystander to you two being all lovey-dovey all day!” you burst out. 

“You’re pushing us away, you know that?” Minho retorts, his voice dripping with frustration and hurt. “You say you feel left out, but you've got walls so high, I need a damn ladder to get over them! Every time I try to initiate anything more than the crush behavior, as you put it, you back away.”

“I-” you start, but you can’t form any clear sentence in response. Minho is right, you’ve been denying him to go any further repeatedly.

Chan’s face grows pale, his eyes wide as he watches the confrontation unfold, seemingly frozen in place. “Can we... please not do this?” he stammers, his voice cracking under the strain. “This isn’t helping any of us.”

“You stay out of this!” Minho snaps, turning his glare briefly to Chan. The sharpness in Minho’s tone slices through the tension like a knife, leaving Chan blinking back tears, his hands shaking slightly as he tries to compose himself. “You don’t have to participate in this fight, but let me say my piece.”

“I’m trying to help!” Chan protests weakly, his voice trembling at the thought of you getting into a serious fight. Minho and you almost never fought, but if you did, it was always ugly, hurtful, and fucking loud. He didn’t like it before, but he could barely take it now, getting overwhelmed.  “I don’t want to see us fall apart over misunderstandings and hurt feelings!”

“Well, it’s not just about feelings, Chan!” you shout, your voice breaking as the tears start to fall. “It’s about being seen and heard in this relationship. I feel invisible most days, like I’m just here to fill a space between the two of you! It’s like you don’t care about me.”

Minho blinks at you, and you can tell he needs a moment to process your words. Then he explodes. “If you really feel this way, if everything I do is that useless and meaningless…then I don't know what the fuck I'm still doing here!”

“Minho,” you whisper in shock, and Chan's tears fall freely now. 

“Minho, please don’t say that,” Chan shakes his head, looking at him anxiously. 

“No, seriously, fuck this. Fuck you,” he says harshly, and you know he's trying to cover his hurt with anger. “I don’t care about you, yeah sure,” he goes on. “I stayed by your bedside for weeks, praying that you’d wake up. I have done nothing but respect your boundaries, give you the time you need, and make sure you’re comfortable. What the fuck do you need me to do to think I actually give a fuck about you?!” he shouts at the top of his lungs, and it has both you and Chan flinching heavily. It’s rare he loses composure like this. He’s breathing heavily once he’s done, staring at you with fierce but such vulnerable eyes it makes you sick. He nods to himself as you don’t answer and grabs his phone from the sofa. “You don’t even know what you need. How the fuck am I supposed to, huh?”

“Min, please,” Chan whispers, sensing how hurt his husband truly is behind his mask of anger. 

Minho’s expression softens for a moment, his anger faltering as he sees the tears streaming down his face. “I need a break,” he announces. “I’ll sleep in the guest room; I can’t do this right now.” He shakes his head and meets your eyes for a brief second. “Thanks for the talk,” he says sarcastically as you don’t respond to his prior statements.

You stand still for a second as he leaves before collecting your things as well. 

“Y/nnie,” Chan tries weakly.

“Don’t,” you say sharply, shaking your head. 

Chan flinches as the door to your bedroom slams closed and slumps onto the sofa, biting back a sob. He blindly reaches for his phone and blinks away tears to find his best friend’s number. Felix picks up after the second ring. “Lix, I-I know it’s late-,” he starts weakly.

“Where are you?” he asks worriedly at the distressed sound of his voice. “Do you need me to get you?” he asks, already getting up to search for his keys. His husband shoots him a questioning look, and Felix mouths Chan’s name. Changbin frowns worriedly, getting up as well and grabbing his keys. 

“Can I stay at yours? Just for tonight?” he sniffles helplessly. 

“Of course, Channie,” Felix says soothingly, slipping into his shoes. “You’re at home?” he asks carefully, leaving the house with Changbin right behind him. 

“Yeah…home,” he says, choking on the word. 

“We’ll be there in ten minutes, okay?” he asks gently, waiting for Chan’s quiet hum in response. “Deep breaths, Channie hyung, I’m sure whatever this is it can be fixed.”

“I’m not sure,” he answers shakily. “I’m really not.”

“They got into a fight?” he asks carefully, knowing how much it upset Chan. 

“Yeah,” he whispers. “It was bad, Lix, really, really bad.”

“I’m sorry, Channie,” he says softly. Only a little later Chan meets them in front of the house and they pull him into a tight hug. 

Changbin soothingly rubs his back. “Come on, Channie hyung, let's go,” he gently urges him to the car, handing him a tissue. “You can stay as long as you need to, okay?”

Chan nods and gets into the car, sinking into Felix's arms as the younger one sits down next to him. Felix gently rubs his shoulder and sighs. “It's gonna be okay, Channie.”

Three days later

Waking up, you notice Chan's side of the bed is still made, untouched from the night before. Minho is already downstairs, the clatter of dishes breaking the uncomfortable silence that had settled over the house. As you walk into the kitchen, Minho’s posture stiffens, his usually warm eyes clouded with frustration.

“Good morning,” you say hesitantly, your voice barely a whisper, hoping to ease into the morning peacefully.

Minho nods without meeting your eyes, continuing his task. “Morning,” he replies shortly. 

“I was thinking we could all go out today, maybe get some fresh air together,” you suggest, trying to find a way to get you three to deal with what happened.

Minho pauses, placing a plate down a little too hard. “Chan isn’t feeling well,” he says shortly, finally looking up at you with a mix of irritation and exhaustion in his expression.

“Is it his headache again?”

“Probably,” Minho mutters, turning back to the dishes. “Or maybe it’s just an excuse.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you ask, your voice rising slightly in concern.

Minho sighs, a long, tired exhale. “It means maybe he’s just avoiding us. Avoiding this,” he gestures vaguely between the two of you.

“Minho, that’s not fair. You know how much he’s been struggling with everything,” you counter, feeling your heart rate pick up as the beginnings of anger mix with your worry.

“And what about us?” Minho snaps, his composure breaking. “When do we get to talk about how this is affecting us? You’re so focused on Chan. What about me? What about what I need?”

The accusation hits hard, opening a floodgate of emotions you’d both been tiptoeing around. “I’m trying to be here for both of you and fix this!” you exclaim, frustration overtaking your initial intent to keep the peace.

“Well, maybe try a little harder because I don’t feel it!” Minho’s voice escalates, his tone harsher than you’ve ever heard.

“Guys? What’s going on?” Chan’s weak voice comes from the doorway. His usual bright eyes are dim and shadowed with pain.

You both turn, startled, as Chan leans against the frame, looking between you two with a growing sense of dread. “I just needed some air, that’s all,” he murmurs, clearly caught off-guard by the newly thickened tension.

Minho’s expression softens slightly at the sight of Chan, but his frustration is far from appeased. “We’re just talking,” he says, though his voice suggests it was anything but a simple conversation.

Chan glances at you, his eyes searching for an ally. “It doesn’t sound like talking,” he comments softly, his tone hurt.

“You wouldn’t know; you’ve been avoiding us!” Minho’s outburst swiftly redirects the tension back to Chan.

“That’s not fair, Min,” Chan protests, his voice weak but filled with hurt. “I’m just trying not to make things worse.”

“By not talking? By hiding away?” Minho counters, his voice laced with bitterness.

“Enough!” you finally shout, unable to bear it anymore. “This isn’t helping anyone. We’re supposed to be in this together.” Both fall silent, the echo of your shout hanging between you. The air is thick with unsaid things, each of you caught in your own thoughts. “We need to fix this,” you say finally. “We can’t go on like this.”

Chan nods, looking exhausted. “I know,” he agrees quietly.

Minho doesn’t speak; his jaw clenches as he wrestles with his emotions, but his nod is agreement enough. You all sit down at the dinner table, facing each other.

Chan’s voice is gentle as he suggests, “Let’s each say something we feel without interruptions. Just listen to each other. Really listen.”

You nod, taking a deep breath. “I feel overlooked,” you begin, the words raw but necessary.

“I feel helpless,” Minho adds, his voice thick.

“I’m afraid of losing you both,” Chan admits, his eyes glossy with unshed tears.

The room grows silent as each confession hangs in the air. You all look at each other, the vulnerability shared creating a bridge that had been missing in the chaos of your misunderstandings.

Chan reaches across the table, his fingers brushing against yours. "I'm sorry," he says, his voice steady despite the emotion. "I’ve been so wrapped up in my own shit that I didn’t see how isolated you felt."

Minho exhales deeply, the tension easing from his shoulders as he acknowledges Chan's words. "And I... I've been so focused on not falling apart myself that I forgot to make sure we're all okay," he admits, his gaze shifting between you and Chan, a silent plea for forgiveness in his eyes.

It's your turn to respond, the atmosphere allowing for more open and heartfelt communication. "I've been afraid of burdening you both with my fears," you say, the admission freeing in its own way. "But I see now that keeping them to myself only creates more distance. I need to share more, not less," you continue, feeling a bit lighter with each word. "I need us to really be in this together."

Minho's hand finds yours, squeezing gently. "I've been scared," he admits, his voice cracking slightly. "Scared that pushing too hard or not enough could end up driving you away. But I see now that not communicating is just as damaging."

Chan, still visibly shaken but slowly regaining his composure, adds, "I thought I was protecting you both from my issues, but I was just isolating myself further. I promise to be more present, even when it's hard."

The conversation turns into a lengthy discussion in which each of you takes turns expressing thoughts and emotions that had been buried under daily routines and misunderstandings. It’s not just about voicing grievances; it’s about rediscovering each other's needs and reassessing how to support each other better.

Chan proposes a weekly check-in, a safe space where anything can be discussed without judgment, ensuring that no concern is too small or too trivial to be voiced. Minho suggests more one-on-one time with each of you to strengthen individual bonds that contribute to the health of the collective relationship.

In the following weeks, the impact of that conversation becomes evident. Slowly, the dynamics in your household start to shift. There's a newfound gentleness in your interactions, a deeper consideration for each other's mental spaces, and an active effort to engage without overwhelming one another.

Feeling less isolated, you find the courage to share your smaller daily fears and joys, discovering that these moments of sharing contribute significantly to your feeling of closeness with your husbands. 

In a relationship as complex and intertwined as yours, challenges are inevitable.

PART SEVEN | PART NINE

do not repost, translate, or plagiarize my works in any way here or on other platforms. ©️writingforstraykids 2024 -

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[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WITBA for telling my sister I don’t wish to speak to her about her potential divorce anymore?

👑

(easy locate emoji)

my older sister is currently facing a potential divorce with her husband. there’s been a lot of infidelity from him, they have a child together, & she’s financially dependent on him. he wants the divorce, she doesn’t. obvi it’s been extremely stressful for her

i’m one of only 2 people who know about her situation (she has a close friend who knows). i want to be there for her ofc, but she can be very intense when she’s emotional & she spirals fast. it has gotten so draining going in circles w her & i have voiced that & tried to set boundaries. i also suggested she look for a therapist for herself more than once now

then, after a few weeks of this, her husband messaged me. to tell me they were thinking of separating, as he thought i didn’t know. he claimed that he just wanted to make sure somebody ‘on her side’ knew & was there for her. he told me to NEVER tell her that he told me, but that he hopes her & i will talk about it soon.

well, i told her everything he messaged me. i’m still not 100% sure what his intentions were, & i’m not going to keep that from my sister. he ended up telling my sister himself that he messaged me, so he never found out that i told her.

they visited over the holidays & i was left to awkwardly navigate tense situations between them more than once, since i was the only one there who knew, & they both knew i knew. I’m known as the peacemaker in my family & it was clear they wanted me to play that role for them. it was exhausting & i just want no part in it

i feel i’m going to have to (very kindly!) tell her that i don’t have the bandwidth to carry any of this for her, that if they decide to divorce i’ll let her cry on my shoulder then but for now i can’t do anything for her.

WIBTA for setting such a firm boundary with my distressed sister?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[lutawolf]

Hi Luta!

I am wondering if you might be able to give me some parenting advice. I am a single mother to a kind, sweet and intelligent 6yo girl, who also happens to have a very dominant personality. She knows herself and her boundaries and is very good at verbally expressing and asserting herself. I am immensely proud of her and want to foster these traits that she has.

Unfortunately I have a much more submissive personality overall and I often find myself feeling a little in over my head when having to discipline or generally give her news she doesn't want to hear (time to turn off the iPad/get ready for bed/do homework, etc.). I often feel exhausted quickly during these power struggles and find it difficult to stick to my guns and lay down the law when it feels like she's steamrolling me (though I am getting better!).

Do you have any advice for how to best parent a child who is more dominant than you? Is there a better way to do this than to try to overpower her all the time? I need her to respect my authority.

Hey, Hey nonnie!!!

Congratulations, you've just proven you are an amazing parent. You've hit a struggle and are asking for help. Trust me when I say that all of us parents struggle. The best parents still struggle. Kids do not come with instructions books and we often times have to lean on our critical thinking skills, and sometimes we don't have the information to be able to cope. It happens to the best of us. Admitting it and seeking help. That's what makes us good parents. We care about them more than any inconvenience. We care about them more than the issue. They know they are loved. You are doing good. 💜💜💜

Bossy, commanding, demanding, insatiable, frustrated, restless, and resistant sound familiar? If you are not seeing these same issues at school, then congratulations again, you are doing well. She knows when she has to behave, and that's a learned behavior from you. If you are experiencing these things at school as well, as you need further outside help and I suggest talking to the school counselor as well as a family therapist.

Assuming that school isn't an issue. Know that Doms aren't good at taking commands, and the stronger ones barely take suggestions. Children who are born dominant have a natural tendency to act like they are in charge of their adults. My dom child tries this. Dom children aren't bad, and their behavior isn't learned, nor can it be punished out of a child. They are the result of emotions and instincts, and they often test these behaviors on the adults they trust, because where else do you test your boundaries? But it makes taking care of them difficult and exhausting.

Do what a sub does best. Don't try to out dominate, anticipate your child's needs prior to. By anticipating her needs, you avoid the fight that would push either one of you to need to be in charge. This will also teach your child leadership versus domination. What I'm hearing is your child doesn't like change and has to have routine. Set up a routine: we get up at this time, we go to school, we come back, snack at this time, homework at this time, play at this time, done by this time, and bed by this time. These are boundaries and rules that they can see. This is not something to fight with, these are boundaries and rules that must be maintained. It simplifies things for them. I also did a chart for my kids and both the dom and brats like them.

Knowing what's to come, not being surprised, and having structure are the key to peace. But if you do need to be the one in charge, remember you are not a doormat. You have the right to assert yourself for the people you care about. But often times if you aren't having issues at school but are at home, they just aren't understanding what is expected of them and are stressed out. They need structure.

When you do have to punish, give them punishments that will wear them out. Time out doesn't work on these kids, it gives them time to sit and stew. Come up with plans that make you want to pull your hair out. Instead, you need to become a coach. Ever watch how the best coaches of a rowdy bunch discipline? Run laps. Yes, she is six, mine is seven. I make my baby run laps when she's tried to push her authority. It calms her right down because it wore her out in a way she needed. She had too much going on upstairs. I also highly recommend a sport and letting her be coached. You can learn a lot from the coach. But it will also help wear some of that energy that's built during school out. Especially if she is neurodivergent. I don't know if she is, not saying she is, but if she is, then yes, she needs a direction to put her energy.

Okay. This got long. Sorry! Hope you found it helpful! 💜💜💜

#luta question and answer #luta opinions

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

our body's family (we're a system) is really awful about food. they always comment on what we eat or trying to stop us from eating certain foods because it's 'full of carbs' or 'full of sugar' and it's honestly getting exhausting trying to defend our right to eat food. they tell us that we shouldn't eat until we're full, that we shouldn't eat because we're hungry... i know it's not worth trying to reason with them for the most part, we've tried so much to, but i just don't know what to do

That's so tough! It's so hard to heal in a sick environment. I am wondering if you would find it possible to practice as much intuitive eating as possible in better environments. Do you have to eat with them? Could you reduce the amount of time you spend eating with them?

A practice you could try: keep a journal of all the triggering things you've heard from your family at a meal. Then, write what you need to hear and practice telling yourself that as much as you need to hear it. For example, "The body is designed to handle carbs" or "this sugar is not worse for us than an eating disorder" or "I deserve to feel good in this body and give it what it's telling me it needs."

You're right that there's no point reasoning with them at this stage, because you'll just exhaust yourself. Instead, disengage as much as possible and direct the advice you need inward.

I don't have much experience with systems, but one thing I might suggest is trying to spend time being mindful with each of your alters and really get to know them and their individual relationships with food and the host body so that you are equipped to give each alter the mental health support they need. If each alter is open to this, try having them do mindfulness activities regarding the body and their relationship to the body when they're fronting, so that they can each feel as comfortable and safe as possible in the body and each of them feels like they don't want to act destructively toward it. A DID therapist would probably have better suggestions than I do, though. Can you access support as a system?

Honestly, I'd suggest you just practice setting boundaries with your family members. You could say things like "I'm not going to engage this," or "I know you think you're being helpful, but this is not helping me." You could also let them know that the more they make you feel uncomfortable this way, the more disengaged you will have to become with them. Maybe try keeping some individually-wrapped nonperishables stashed well somewhere, like granola bars, so that you have something to eat if your family members have control of the household food. Hopefully you will be able to live somewhere safer in the future!

(I feel you, though. My mom did this to me. It is SO stressful and made me feel jumpy and guilty whenever I tried to eat. The fact that she would "catch me out" and comment on it every time didn't help me develop a healthy relationship with food and eating, that was for sure!)

#toxic family #diet culture

[sophieinwonderland]

What would you say to someone hearing voices in their head? They are convinced that the voices are positive, however to anyone else they would be harmful. What would you tell someone who is hearing voices telling them to cause harm to themself and others, but they still think that these are positive voices? Would you still say that that is normal and healthy and doesn't require treatment?

I think this is going to depend on circumstances. Generally, if I think something may be harmful, I'll mention that therapy could be helpful. I've done so on this blog before.

But more often than not, people already have considered that, and some have even tried mainstream therapy and medication and it hasn't helped. And in some cases, they're managing on their own.

I talked to a person once who had a headmate they considered an imaginary friend. Mostly. The headmate considered themselves a spirit, and the host wasn't sure, jumping between psychological and spiritual explanations.

Whatever the headmate was, she loved him and he loved her back. But she did say that there had been a point where he had encouraged her to take her life and believed they would be together in his world. When I voiced this, they assured me that they had talked, set boundaries, and he had become more respectful of those boundaries and wasn't actively doing that anymore.

In her case, she was already seeing a therapist.

And the therapist considered her "imaginary friend" to be a positive coping mechanism rather than an example of mental illness. While this headmate couldn't front, the host proxied for him, and he seemed really friendly.

My opinion is that voices can be nuanced.

Sometimes, voices are just voices. They're not intelligent at all. They're just intrusive thoughts but louder. Sometimes voices can be aggressive and intentionally want to hurt you. Sometimes, like in the case above, they can confused and encourage harmful behavior while also being loving and supportive, and losing that connection might be more harmful.

So does it require treatment? I don't know.

Treatment is a personal choice. Generally, I would advise it in the above scenario, but treatment only works if the person wants it. And people may find that approaches used by groups like The Hearing Voices Network which focus on addressing and working with voices instead of invalidating them will be more effective for themselves.

Remember this case of someone who met all the criteria for DID...

And what helped her was spirituality, not therapy.

That doesn't mean it works for everyone. But the point I want to make is that this isn't a one-size-fits-all world and that not everything therapeutic is necessarily literal therapy.

So to answer the question, I would first suggest therapy if a voice was encouraging harmful behavior. If they're resistant though, pushing the matter isn't helpful, and I might suggest they talk with other voice hearers. If the voice in question was intelligent, I would see if I could talk to them directly to better understand why they were encouraging harmful behavior. Especially if they cared about the host. I'm personally of the mind that proxying should work with any conscious intelligent voices, regardless of whether they can front.

#ask box #syscourse #hallucinations #hearing voices #voice hearing #plural #plurality #multiplicity

[welcometothefinale]

Hi step mom,

I’m writing this because I appreciate that you’ve tried to reach out over the last few months and understand that the negative behavior of my father does not reflect upon who you are. I believe that I owe you an explanation based on the positive relationship and impact you’ve had in my life over the last few years.

After talking to a therapist, I decided to pay more attention to the behavior I was seeing and not the excuses I was hearing. When I did this, I noticed a few things:

My dad is physically violent, in the last five years - while I was a grown adult - he has:

- thrown your dog around the house multiple times, I’ve seen him throw that dog into walls, across the yard, and pick him up by the neck several times.

- Dragged me down the stairs by my hair

- Screamed at my while getting into my face and pushed me

- Almost swung on my sister and was stopped by my grandma

He uses lies, manipulation and triangulation to control those around him:

- he complains to you about me, my sister and my grandma and he complains to me, my sister and my grandma about you

- He compares me and my sister a lot to get us to fight for his approval to our face and to each other

- He tells us that the reason we don’t have a relationship with him is because you’re always around and too clingy but when we ask him to set boundaries with you, he says he’s tried and you won’t listen. But he still doesn’t make more of a personal effort to see us on his own, it’s always YOU making plans with ME.

- There is never accountability for bad behavior, if something bad happens in his life it is ALWAYS someone else’s fault.

He uses the financial assets and shortcomings of those around him to control and intimidate them:

- He did this with my mother, me and my sister… we all display a lot of impulsive behavior as a result of our ADHD, and instead of being helpful and coming up with suggestions and strategies that might redirect us to better behavior, and I’ve watched him on multiple occasions belittle us. For reckless spending, for overeating, for talking loudly, for being emotional, for struggling to start or complete tasks, the list goes on…

- he kept telling me he was my landlord and I should go to him first until the summer before I moved out (my grandma doesn’t like confrontation and I’m not the best communicator. Sounds like a recipe for him not being held accountable for leaving behind a house with a lot of failed construction experiments and a bunch of stuff left behind because he was not able to move like a grown adult and left his shit everywhere.) he also speaks about the house that Alex lives in as if it’s already his instead of grandmas, I believe it’s to control how she speaks to him so that he can feel like he has power.

- Putting out random tools that my sister had spent hours and days organizing into the street instead of actually cleaning up the solar equipment (the only thing she asked him to do at the house besides getting rid of the stuff in the storage unit) and just telling her to recycle it

He says mean things in degrading and belittling ways.

- he cut you off and asks you questions loudly like “do you understand me, do you understand?!”

- The amount of times he has called me, or my mother, fat or unhealthy is more than I can count on my fingers

- The amount of times I have heard him say “you’re not listening” when you don’t agree with him

- I haven’t heard him say sorry or take accountability for bad behavior for as long as I can remember, he just changes the subject, deflects or shifts blame

There are just the behaviors I can remember while writing this. And I personally believe many of the behaviors listed are not healthy and many others are abusive, and will no longer tolerate them in my life. Which is why I am refusing to have a relationship with my father unless he apologizes and takes accountability for his behavior. This is what I’ve asked of him, and he has yet to respect my boundaries.

Although I do feel for you, and I’m sorry, I cannot be a support system in your life especially know limited people in the US…. But I am unwilling to have the same type of relationship with you that I have had previously if I am currently no contact with my father.

I also do not appreciate you blaming poor behavior on me to my sister. I have taken accountability for my behavior with my sister by acknowledging my part in the labor that was left behind to her, thanking her for the work she’s done on my behalf, supporting her with the puppies while I was there, helping pay for the storage unit for four months through supporting her private bills, and communicating with her often about what I had left behind and what I had and had not contributed to the household. when she tried to get you all to take the same kind of accountability, me and my ex boyfriend were blamed. That is not OK.

When you all left me and my ex boyfriend were under the assumption that you might move back at some point, we even had discussions about the fact that we would need more than a month or two notice if you all needed to move back. that is the only reason any sane person would agree to watch over that amount of stuff. I never agreed to keep and/OR discard everything you left behind. I said I would try to organize the shed and keep up with the garden, both of which proved to be impossible tasks, because there were way too many species of plants crammed into a small space and like everything that is exclusively my fathers the shed was VERY messy. I had to actively video chat him every time he wanted to find something in that shed to give to one of his solar buddies, so for you all to insinuate that you left behind an organized home is ridiculous. I appreciate that you cleaned the house before you left, but you did not leave the backyard organized and that is mainly what my sister had to deal with for months.

You also did not move out on time. I know this because me and my ex boyfriend had many fights about it, especially because I refused to be more firm with you all by confronting you and asking you to take accountability for your behavior. In fact, there was many times where you all were very inconsiderate where my ex boyfriend begged me to say something to acknowledge the bad behavior. Additionally, we had his mom coming to stay with us for almost a month and I had to cram a bunch of house work before we moved in into weekdays where I blew off or took off work. It caused a lot of long nights and a lot of fights in which you guys were brought up a lot. so I will absolutely not be gaslighted into believing that didn’t happen.

There is always an excuse for bad behavior. Personally, I’m done accepting them.

I actually decided to stand up to my dad sometime in fall last year when I came to visit at your house and see my cat and saw how much you were walking on eggshells to make sure he felt fine. He came home with a stank attitude and took it out on you. And you seemed really nervous that he was in a bad mood. And I remembered feeling that way. Previously, when I complained to my therapist about some of your behavior, he told me to have some empathy because you were experiencing a negative and violent partner as well.

The only reason I have not come and tried to take my cat personally after my dad STOLE him is because I am glad that you are around to take care of him and give him love. I believe that you are a great pet owner with a lot of love in your heart. However, I am really angry about all the money I spent in the last year and a half of taking care of him just to have him taken without talking to me at all. I texted both of you asking about my cat several times and not once did you reply and say that you wanted to DISCUSS with me you keeping him. You wanted to get me in person so you could TELL me you were keeping him (without my consent) which is not a healthy behavior. Additionally, I have a ton of food and litter I can no longer use that I paid for ahead of time knowing I should budget for my cat before I moved out here and had to live on a tighter budget… so from the month of September to March I had pre budgeted and paid for the cat’s plane ticket, vet, food, and litter. That’s probably $1000 alone. Let alone the vet bills, carriers, and toys and other things I’ve gotten him the last year and a half.

You should read up on narcissistic behavior, triangulation, and flying monkeys. I think you’ll recognize a lot of behaviors that my dad has encouraged you to participate in, and probably some of the men in your life that you’ve alluded to when speaking to me about your life in the past. I wish you all the best and a lot of healing ❤️‍🩹 and I truly do appreciate all the ways in which you have showed up for me as a stepmom over the last few years whether it be helping watch my animals, being a listening ear for me, teaching me about your culture and introducing me to your kids, expanding my mind about spirituality and religion, supporting my ADHD diagnosis when NO ONE else in the my family did 💕, letting me use your car when I needed it and letting it go when I made small mistakes, and helping keep the house I lived in as clean and safe and livable as you could while I was in college.

#traumaamiright #lasttext #narcparent

[heyyoufathead]

Friday 12/16/2022

I’ve neglected my journaling over the past year or so. I should make an appointment with a nutritionist. I’m excitedly awaiting the delivery of a new pair of orthopedic sneakers.

I went to the dentist recently and they told me the last time I was there was in May 2021. That was before my dad was in a terrible car accident and my best friend died. I had no idea what was coming.

I’m going to see my parents tomorrow. For the first time in just over a year. I believe my mother’s mental and emotional health is steepening in its decline and the thought of seeing her fills me with reluctance and sadness. The thought of seeing my father fills me with fatigued annoyance. Despite the numerous boundaries I’ve set over the years, he continues to tell me I need to lose weight and talk shit about my mother. Tomorrow will likely be more of the same.

Due to a bout of the flu and a new medication, I’ve lost a noticeable amount of weight in the past couple of months. Enough that people comment on it. And I’m not often able to consume much in the way of real food. Protein bars and sugar-free sports drinks have become my staples. In any event, I know my dad will probably notice my weight loss and praise it. As if my value resides in being slim and reflecting well on him, and because I’ve obviously taken his advice. And I feel confident that he’ll notice my lack of appetite (”aren’t you hungry?” “look at you, eating a salad! good for you!”) and I’m going to be pissed off and abandon my plan of assertively defending my boundaries without raising my voice and making a scene in the restaurant.

My therapist suggested that I ask my oldest son, whom my father considers to be The Golden Child TM, to be the center of attention and star of the show in an attempt to take some of the scrutiny off of me. I just tried to call him but no answer.

I think I may have made him mad because he and his long-term gf want to ride to my hometown with my partner and I in my tiny hatchback. I was hoping to have a quiet 3-hour drive, in order to gather my defenses, and they’ll want to chat. Plus, the seats in my car are not super comfortable, especially when it’s a 6-hour roundtrip. So, really, it’s their own funeral if they still want to do it.

Anyway, I sent him a text last night telling him that it wasn’t my intention to make him feel unwelcome, to which I have received no reply.

Today is laundry and grocery and getting gas in both the cars. My daughter is in Beantown and I’m excited for her to get out of the state and travel with her peers. I know my parents will miss seeing her, as will her siblings, but she’s living her life. And I think she’s happy.

I still feel sad. I wish my dad would stop being the same person he’s been my entire life and respect my boundaries. I wish I didn’t keep hoping things would change and getting mad when they don’t. I wish I didn’t want what I know I can’t have. I wish I had more energy and patience for my mom and her stuck bitter feelings and stories that she repeats during every phone call now. It’s hard to witness their misery, especially when they choose it over and over.

I also wish that I didn’t feel like a hypocrite for feeling like I do. This month marks the 3-year anniversary of me seeing my current therapist mostly consistently and it’s made a world of positive difference in my life.

[bates--boy]

“You let them touch you?”

        This was supposed to be good news, and typically, Dr. Stieg would have pointed it out. A step toward right direction, a milestone overcame for Peter’s sexual health and a healthy relationship, something to lay Dr. Stieg’s doubts about this polyamorous arrangement to rest. But when Peter shared it, he shared it while gazing down at the floor, wringing his hands, nibbling his lips and sharing it in that halting, unsure way. He appeared so much as the sinless church boy that Peter had worked so hard to shun, in his own odd, misguided way.

       Plus: I let them touch me. Stieg had never heard it worded like that, not that he should look too deeply into how Peter worded his news. He tried not too, because this man found a way to make the therapist become too attach to him over the years and stay up late at night worried about him, and now Dr. Stieg, himself, had to learn to identify the lines so he wouldn’t cross them. Like calling up his father to weigh in on this session as if Peter was still that physically twelve-year-old boy who seemed so uncomfortable about being in his own skin. No. No overthinking this, no looking too deeply into weirdly-worded messages. 

           Instead, he asked Peter, “Were you comfortable during these... get-togethers? Did you set boundaries and were they respected?”

         Peter took his time to answer, pursing his lips as he thought. That doesn’t automatically mean a bad thing, Stieg had to remind himself while still preparing for the worst. Thankfully, Peter nodded. “Yeah, I was. And they respected my boundaries. They let me have opportunities to back out whenever I didn’t feel right.”

        As they should, Dr. Stieg thought. He made a note to himself, Suggest having a group session with his partners? “How does taking these next steps with your partners make you feel?”

        “Ah...” Peter chuckled and blushed. bobbing am awkward shoulder. “Fantastic!”

          Dr. Stieg stared at him.

          “...Ha ha, but that’s not what you meant.” Peter cleared his throat. “But it does feel good. Like... freeing. Like... They made it less scary, you know? Not just the prospect of sex after remembering what happened to me, but having a connection. A genuine connection, where I don't feel so, er, intimidated, or have so much of myself guarded."

Dr. Stieg listened, nodding along. He sighed and smiled. "Well, that's good to hear, Peter. I'm glad that these two can provide that for you. Now, what do you feel is the next step you want to take?"

And there he goes, head bowed, hands wringing together, cheeks flushed. "Honestly, Dr. Stieg, I think I want to sleep with them."

Dr. Stieg felt his grin go dry before he remembered himself and corrected it, writing quick notes on his clipboard. "Yes, I know, as we've discussed it. But I meant the next step to get there."

"No, I meant that I want to sleep with them next."

The pen stopped in the middle of the sentence. Dr. Stieg looked up at his client through his lashes, finding Peter watching him, his face set despite the redness painted on it. "...Ah, I see," Dr. Stieg replied. He finished his current notes and set the tablet aside. He folded his arms on the desk, leaning forward slightly as he felt his features soften, felt the coolness of professionalism leave his body. He wished Peter was an easy client. He wished he had known, all those years ago when Peter was merely a child, that being his therapist meant being blindsided by the oddities of someone whose whims followed the winds. That working with Peter was like trying to catch trout in an upstream river with bare hands. He wished that having this man as one of his most difficult clients hadn't meant wanting to walk around this desk and hold Peter in his arms, and just keep him there until the world stopped being cruel and terrifying and he was certain that this couple, this Ashira and Naseem, were truly the best for Peter.

But Peter wasn't a child, anymore, let alone his child, so all Dr. Stieg could say was, "I'm glad you feel you are ready, Peter, and I obviously won't dissuade you from taking this step with them. All I ask is that you really think this through and be sure about this."

"I--" Dr. Stieg knew Peter was going to say I am sure, but with a piercing look, he got Peter to say, "--I will think about it."

"Good," Dr. Stieg said. He opened his desk drawer and pulled out a pamphlet. "When you feel you are truly ready, here is a list of clinics that you can find contraceptives and more information from."

--

The new source of Peter's embarrassment burned a hole in Peter's pants pocket, and leaving Dr. Stieg's office with the pamphlet was not unlike coming away from a birds and bees talk with his father; except unlike with his father, Peter wanted to shout I know where to get condoms, I'm not a child! Still, he left that office with a weight off his chest, an elation that buoyed him down the hall and into the lobby where, sitting like a beacon of joy, was Ashira, bouncing Hasan on her lap while the two watched a bilingual lesson video for babies. She looked up and stopped the video.

"How did it go?" She asked.

"Pretty well," Peter said as he picked Hasan up and settled him on his hip. He helped Ashira to her feet and kept her hands clasped together, keeping in pace with her as they made their exist. "Thanks for waiting for me. You wanna stop for gelato after we pick up the kids from camp?"

"Oh, sounds good!" Ashira bounced on her toes to kiss Peter's cheek. "I hope they still have the mocha one. Oh, by the way..."

Ashira showed him her phone, with the browser open and a flyer on the screen. "Nazz wanted to know if you're interested in this aerial dance thing..."

#The MizFists #life thus far ( story ) #droid noodles ( writing ) #Hetalia #e mare libertas! ( sealand )

[kenzydearest]

i’ve been doing a lot of research into co-morbidity of bipolar and NPD because of experiences. not with the intention of trying to diagnose that person, but i’ve found there is a lot of trait overlap of NPD with bipolar. 

whenever i hear their text ringtone it gives me a panic attack. i can barely breathe, i feel like i’m going to die. my therapist says it’s a trauma response.

with all the work i’ve been doing on myself for the past three months in therapy, i’m proud to finally be able to see the reality of the situation i’ve been in the past few years. 

i still wonder how much of it was sincere or real. especially based on things that were said to me, and i realize it probably wasn’t true. i was supposedly the first person they had told that they love in years, but then i remember when they told me that they had told their ex best friend that they loved them before they met me.

for the longest time i had felt like i was walking on eggshells with them. i thought that everything that was wrong in the relationship was my fault. they would tell me that things didn’t happen the way i remember, or i would say something and they would tell me that i said something else. i thought i was gaslighting them without even realizing it and i felt like i was going crazy.

i remember when something happened that really upset me. i realize now that yes, the intensity of my emotion for the situation was more intense than it should have been but the emotion for the situation was justified. i was extremely hurt and i remember crying on the phone to them and i remember them saying they were sorry i felt that way but they weren’t going to apologize for what they did because they felt like they had done nothing wrong.

i remember when i would try to bring up an issue and it would get spun around onto me about how i’m actually doing things wrong and that’s my fault. i know i communicated the wrong way sometimes but i tried so hard. after so long of being told it’s my fault i fully believed it was. i took on all of the blame. i felt so much guilt and shame. i cried so much, i wondered what was wrong with me, i couldn’t figure out why i was going crazy. nothing made sense to me anymore.

they were so set on someone being right on wrong during arguments. i would try to tell them it’s not about who is right or wrong, it’s about finding a solution, but they didn’t agree. i asked if i bought a workbook on communication if they would do it with me and they said they would, and then i bought it and they said they never said that and they skimmed through it and said they already knew DBT. when i would try to use it in conversation they would say i just sound like a robot.

i offered getting us couples therapy or counseling and that was also met with a no. i couldn’t figure out why they didn’t want to try. they would say they love me and want to be with me, but i couldn’t figure out why they weren’t willing to try anything. they asked to be able to work on it their own way, but they never offered suggestions.

i know i did things wrong too. i struggled with identifying my emotions and i would often shut down during times of high conflict because i hadn’t learned how to properly deal with that, especially with the abuse i endured during my childhood in my home.

it hurt so much when they said that i was abusive to them. they said i only had black and white thinking and i was codependent. they said they were taking away us being soulmates because it wasn’t healthy.

but when i was broken up with for a second time i told them i needed time, and they asked me how much time. i remember them telling me during the break up that they can’t be alone. after a few weeks i tried, and then initiated a no contact for a month that they agreed to. but then they started texting me, and i wasn’t sure how to react to it. i wanted to maintain my boundary of no contact but didn’t want to ignore them. they called me and told me that i have to reply to them. i remember feeling like it felt controlling. i had never experienced that from them, or realized it before.

i asked on reddit for advice on how to support someone with mental illness, for someone that isn’t medicated or being treated. untreated, as they’re currently not in treatment. struggling with so much confusion on what was happening i desperately needed support until i started therapy. 

i had told them that i would reach out to them first after the no contact ended. the day before it ended they texted me and asked to hang out the upcoming weekend and i said sure and asked them what they wanted to do or where to hang out. i remember they gave me such short replies.

they came by and hugged me, shaking, gave me a letter and then left. i still wonder if they were shaking from anger or if they were sad. i’ll never know. the letter was cruel. ending with the words “love” and i wonder if it was sincere or sarcastic. they told me that i’m a liar, and confused i asked them what they meant. after asking me if i talked to anyone about us, i told them i only talked to my two close friends but just that i was broken up with. instead of just telling me what they meant the first time they sent short messages that didn’t make sense to me and i had to tell them multiple times i don’t understand.

they had somehow found the reddit post and was upset that i said they were unmedicated and untreated and that i lied to everyone about them, despite it being true they’re unmedicated and untreated. therapy isn’t a one and done. my friends that also have mental illness attest to this and have told me about how they’ve gotten therapy multiple times and still need it. even my own therapist still goes to treatment for her own mental health. she even has clients she’s seen for years that she sees only once a month.

they told me in the letter that i’m codependent, and i wonder how when i initiated no contact and respected their choice of breaking up with me. i remember before this happened how they told me how much they loved me as a friend, and how important i am to them, only for them to say in their letter that they don’t like me, and i wonder if they don’t like me then why did they so badly want to keep me in their life?

i know now that it was futile to try to explain anything to them, and i shouldn’t have even apologized again or taken on all the blame for everything again. but it was only after my first week of therapy and i didn’t have the skills i have now. they told me to fuck off and to act like an adult, even when i was being polite and telling them how i felt. 

i’m concerned about them, and worried. and i know that the emotion is justified based on their actions and behavior throughout the years. i reached out to let a family member so that they’re aware, but not going into details with them, just so that i knew i had at least did something. but now it is not for me to worry about anymore. they will continue with their life as they have until they get treatment for themselves. all i hope is that they live a life with ease and are happy and healthy. it still hurts, that i went through this with someone who had asked me to never leave them. to have so many dreams together, only to realize that it might have meant nothing to them.

when i had reached out to the family member they told me that they were already seeing someone new. only a few months after everything has happened, even when they told me they weren’t interested in dating anyone for a while. this has been the pattern they follow though, i realize. i was a part of that pattern, i just lasted longer than usual.

despite all of this i still have my self worth. my value. none of this changes who i am. i know who i am, and realize it better than ever now. i’m a kind person, i’m patient, i have so many friends that love and care for me and i do the same for them. people that reach out to me for advice, for when they need help and i know i can reach out to them too. i have friends that come over on the weekends now and i am laughing so much. i had forgotten what that was like. i thought i had lost all of it. i thought i had lost who i was. i know now that no matter what they say about me, to me, i know myself better than anyone else. i know that i tried, and i am happy that i did. that’s all that matters now, and i have been healing and will continue to heal.

#personal

[dauntless-gothamite]

Prove Them Wrong [5/?]

Fandom: Divergent Pairing: Eric Coulter x Fem! Reader Summary: Y/N is a Dauntless transfer from Erudite, and she has a drive, an ambition that sets her apart--it always has, even back in Erudite. She brings her perseverance (and need to prove others wrong) to Dauntless when she transfers, and she uses her mind to make her way through the initiation process. Along the way, she makes friends and enemies, and she finds herself comfortable around the man most people in Dauntless avoid at all costs: Eric Coulter. A/N: I am so glad people are enjoying this so far! I am having a great time writing it, and I am excited about the chapters that are yet to come. I’d love if you let me know what you think of this new chapter, but no pressure, enjoy!!

The next morning, as all the other transfers ran laps, you made your way to the infirmary for physical therapy. When you got there, the doctor who had stitched you up the day before waved at you in greeting. “Hello, Y/N, how is the leg doing?”

“Better than yesterday,” you replied with a small smile. 

“Glad to hear it,” she replied. “You’ll be working with Andre today, he’s one of our physical therapists,” she said and pointed to Andre, who was standing a few feet away and waved. 

“Alright, thanks,” you said and started walking towards Andre. “Nice to meet you,” you said and stuck out your hand.

“Likewise,” Andre said and shook your outstretched hand. “So the program I have designed for you focuses more on keeping your leg muscles engaged without running the risk of tearing your stitches open more than recovery because the injury is serious but ultimately, it is just a deep laceration.” You nodded in understanding, and he led you over to a stationary bike. “For the next half hour, you are going to ride this bike. I want you to work your leg muscles and cardio system, but do not put more strain on your legs than necessary, the last thing I want is to tear those stitches or for your leg to start bleeding. Here is a set of headphones that hook up to the bike’s electronic system; I know riding a stationary bike for half an hour can get boring, so feel free to listen to music while you work. I’ll come get you in half an hour, but you can call me over at any point.”

“Sounds good, thanks,” you said before getting on the bike and connecting the headphones to browse the music selection for a little while before settling on an upbeat song with a strong bass beat. Then you got to pedaling. 

--

You were sweating--not as much as you did during regular training, but you were still getting a good workout in--when the thirty minutes ended. Andre walked over to you and helped you get off the bike, and it took you a second to adjust to the solid ground beneath your feet. “Good job,” Andre said. “It really seemed like you were pushing yourself while still respecting the boundaries set by the injury. That’s smart, if you keep this up, you’ll probably heal quickly. Most dauntless go all out and reinjure themselves, so it takes even longer to heal. But I see you have some brains, a good quality for future dauntless.”

“Thanks,” you beamed at him.

“Y/N,” someone said, waving you over from the entrance of the infirmary. You turned to see Four standing there, and you furrowed your brow; you were supposed to be at physical therapy for another half hour before going back to the training room. 

“What’s going on?” you asked as you walked over to him, Andre right behind you.

“Eric changed the plan, we are working with crossbows today instead of fighting, and since you can participate in this, I came to get you while he explains what's going on to the other initiates,” he explained. “Although, perhaps leaving them alone with him wasn’t the best idea,” he said, half-joking, earning a smile from you. 

“Alright, let’s go then. I’ll see you next time, Andre,” you said to the physical therapist as Four walked with you back to the training room. “So… what’s up,” you said to fill the awkward silence that settled between you and Four as you two walked. He looked at you, amused. 

“Oh, you know. Training initiates.” You laughed at his bluntness. 

“Right,” you chuckled. “So, why did Eric change the plan?” you asked cautiously.

“I’m not entirely sure,” Four shrugged. “Though I suspect it has to do with the fact that he’s particularly… grumpy today, and he probably wants to shoot arrows at someone.”

“Well, that does sound like a very real possibility,” you agreed, and the two of you reached the training room to see Eric walking up and down the line of initiates holding crossbows and aiming at targets, aggressively yanking them into the correct positions, yelling all the while.

“Finally,” he snapped as you picked up a bow and walked to the end of the line, lining yourself up with the target. You closed your eyes to prevent yourself from rolling them at his comment while he continued roughly moving arms and legs of different initiates, sometimes making them wince in shock, surprise at the force, pain, or all three. When he got to Tris, who was right next to you, he looked her up and down, moved her arms, and said “Back straight, initiate! With that posture, you’ll shoot yourself in the foot, assuming you even get the arrow out of the crossbow!” He waited for a second for her to move, but he quickly became frustrated and yelled to Four, “Four, you deal with this one, I’m going to catch Y/N up, since she has finally graced us with her presence,” he said sarcastically. Tris made eye contact with you, and you knew she was wishing you luck, making you smile a bit. 

“Alright,” Eric said, turning to you. Turn sideways, aim down the line, legs shoulder distance apart. Don’t lock the knees, but stand straight. Non-dominant arm straight, other arm pulls the string back once the arrow is notched, pulling with the middle three fingers. Pull the string all the way back to your ear, look down the line, and shoot. Go,” he said, stepping back and watching with crossed arms. You took the stance Eric had described as well as possible, and Eric’s hands landed on your hips, turning them just the slightest bit. Then, as quickly as they had landed there, they were gone. “Same thing as with the punch, initiate. The angle of your hips matters; it’s where your legs and torso connect, so there’s a lot of power there. You can use your core to help your arm pull the string back further, allowing you to aim better and send a more forceful arrow.” You nodded, notching an arrow, pulling back, and looking down the arrow towards the target. Without hesitation, you released, and the arrow landed mere millimeters from the bull’s eye. “Good,” Eric nodded, walking away. 

As you reached for the next arrow, Tris said, “What the hell just happened?”

“What do you mean?” you asked. 

“Eric. He made us run fifty laps, then he changed up the plan and told us all to take an archery stance. Then, he walked up and down the line, pushing and pulling people into the right positions--I think he almost sprained Al’s shoulder! And then, just now, he just… what, turned your hips? No yanking or bending at unnatural angles or anything!”

“It’s probably just because I got injured yesterday and he doesn’t want to reopen the wound,” you shrugged. 

“Maybe,” Tris said with a sigh. “But still, that was… weird.”

“As opposed to the way Four helped you?” you countered, and she blushed. If she thought you hadn’t noticed the way Four had helped her by taking a softer approach than Eric, she was in for a surprise.

“It’s better to try and get into a position you have a hard time with when you exhale,” she defended, knowing you’d heard Four’s suggestion of a quick breathing exercise. 

“I know,” you smirked. 

“Ugh, let’s just get back to shooting,” she said, and you laughed.

“You two, shut up and get shooting,” Eric’s voice called out, quieting your laughter and causing both Tris and yourself to fall silent. You both made eye contact though, took aim, and released your arrows at the same time, each sending a swift arrow into the center of your respective targets, pride for both yourself and your friend rising inside of you.

“Ten more minutes,” Four called out. “After that, you will retrieve your arrows, put your equipment away, and get to lunch. So give it your all!” 

You took a deep breath, and each arrow you shot for the next ten minutes was aimed with extreme precision, resulting in a pretty crowded center of the target when Four called for everyone to stop. It also made the job of retrieving arrows easier since they were all in one area, which you were grateful for as you pulled each one out of the target. 

As you and Tris walked over to the storage cabinets to put your bow and arrows away, Will and Christina jogged over to you guys, having already put their stuff away. “How was physical therapy this morning, Y/N,” Will asked as he came to a stop. 

“It was good,” you replied, “I just rode a stationary bike so I could get a cardio workout and engage my leg muscles as well as my core in a more controlled setting.”

“That makes sense,” he nodded in approval. “I’m glad it went well. The rest of us had to run around here fifty times!”

“So I heard,” you said, still surprised at the number of laps your friends had run that morning. “And this one here,” he put an arm around Christina’s shoulders, “was one of the first people to finish!”

“Congratulations!” you said with a smile to Christina. She had set a goal for herself to improve her cardio, and it would seem she had reached it. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks,” she smiled, blushing slightly at the contact with Will. “So, wanna get out of here and grab some lunch?”

“That sounds great to me,” you nodded, ready to go. 

“Y/N,” Eric said loudly from across the room as he strode towards you and your friends. 

“Yes?”

“Before you go, I want to take a look at your leg; there’s a first-aid kit in here and I want to see if it needs cleaning seeing as you sweat earlier. The last thing I need to deal with is an infection.”

“Alright,” you said and walked over to the bench, your friends following you. You rolled up the leg of your sweatpants, and thankfully, the wound didn’t look too irritated. 

Nodding, Eric said, “It looks good, but make sure to clean it well later. Use soap and water, and halfway through the day or between workouts, I would recommend disinfecting it.”

“Is there anything I can use now? Just to be safe?” He nodded and grabbed the first aid kit from a shelf on the wall, opened it up, and grabbed a hydrogen peroxide wipe. 

“Here,” he said, handing it to you. “There is also some cream here which you’ll be glad to have once you feel the sting of that wipe,” he said, handing you some ointment. 

“Thanks,” you said as you ripped open the hydrogen peroxide wipe and cleaned the wound. 

You hissed as it stung, and Eric sounded further when he said, “Told you,” since he was putting the kit back. You grunted in acknowledgement, and after wiping the area down, you put some of the ointment on, which was a much nicer way of keeping the area clean. Then, you rolled down your pant leg, stood, and made to toss the ointment back to Eric, but before you could, he said “Keep it.”

“Thanks,” you said, surprised as you pocketed it. Eric simply nodded. 

“Now get out of here,” he said, “go eat lunch.” And with that, you were swept out of the training room by your friends. 

--

“So, we missed you at dinner last night,” Christina said as you and your friends sat down at a table in the dining hall. “Although I totally get that you had other things to worry about. You did get to eat though, right? We wanted to save you some food, but it was pasta night, and everyone had to fight just to get their fair share.”

“That’s sweet of you guys,” you said. “Four tried to do the same thing, but he was too late. “Luckily, Eric had a backup plan.” 

“Oh my god, did you eat dinner with Eric?” Tris whisper-yelled, making eye contact with Christina, whose jaw was hanging open. 

“Yeah, last night was a lot. I waited in his apartment while he got me some sweatpants, which are really comfy, and then he got back and made ‘low-carb enchiladas’ for dinner.”

“Of course they’d be low-carb, Will said, rolling his eyes.”

“Were they good?” Christina asked.

“They were so good,” you nodded. 

“How was the company?” Tris asked.

“Honestly it was fine. I think that the fact that we didn’t talk because we were both tired prevented an argument from breaking out.”

“That’s good,” Christina said. “I’m glad he wasn’t completely horrible to you after you’d just gotten hurt. Although, I have to ask, why wasn’t he completely horrible to you today? I didn’t think he’d have that long of a ‘grace period’ after injuries.”

“He probably didn’t want to reopen the wound,” you said, repeating what you’d said to Tris earlier. “Why are you guys so interested in him?”

“Because he is the scariest person here, and he just gave you some ointment for your leg, which is the exact opposite of what it seems like he would do!” Will said. 

“You do have a point,” you admitted. “Look, I don’t know, but it doesn’t really matter. Besides, we still have to talk about the way Four keeps eyeing Tris,” you said, smirking evilly as you turned the attention away from yourself, launching a new line of questioning, this time aimed at your friend.

Tag List: @shykoolaid, @taina-eny​, @parabatai-winchester​, @marvel-ousnesss​, @kid-from-new-zealand​, @polychr0matic​

#eric coulter #eric coulter imagine #eric coulter x reader #divergent #divergent imagine #divergent fanfiction #four divergent #tobias eaton #tris prior #dauntless #erudite #amity #candor #abnegation #peter hayes #motherfxking-flannel #motherfxking flannel

[sargasmicgoddess]

If you choose to post this, my apologies in advance for using your platform in order to access your large audience to increase my chances of real feedback. And very hopefully, if I'm lucky, your own intelligent and thoughtful feedback to my question.

I will first preface by saying counseling is in process and has also been attended solo and as a couple off and on for a while with mixed results. I find myself at a crossroads personally and as a spouse, I have for some time.

Many years into marriage, I find myself not knowing who my husband really is (or realizing who he isn't). And realizing that I don't really know myself fully either, other than being sure of what doesn't make me happy and that I do need to figure that out for my own wellbeing. It doesn't look like things can be worked out, and that's not for lack of trying. That said, I've proposed a roommate situation as we try to find clarity in what to do next, and decide what we both actually want. As of this morning, he has agreed that maybe it is what we need. I will be transparent in that part of the suggestion is heavily hinged on my own fears and anxieties about not being able to make it alone until some other things change personally, and the hopes that any impact of major changes on kids can be minimized. The tension in this house is noticeable and already tough enough, so trying to deal with that first and hopefully a new arrangement will ease some of that for them.

All of that to ask the world of tumblr, whether anyone has tried such an arrangement and what advice or stories they may be able to share about how that worked out, what they learned and how they set boundaries?

Thanks in advance for posting this if you choose to. And many thanks to any who choose to respond. If you'd prefer to privately discuss your experience, please just comment that it's ok to message you and I'll reach out. Thank you!

First I commend you on learning to be more self aware and for doing the work to figure things out. Marriage and relationships are work, and it definitely takes mutually proactive effort. That being said, if there is a fundamental disconnect in the foundation of the relationship (which I think is what you're describing) then kudos to you guys for making this hard decision.

I would first recommend that you discuss this with your counselor/therapist. You mentioned on and off therapy....which is great but I do suggest consistent therapy so that you have the space, momentum, and time to continually work on you and towards personal breakthroughs. That is what they are there for and they are always a safe space to work through things.

I have consistently had long-term therapists, even when I am doing great, so I can continually work on me. I do the same with my family. My therapist and I talk a lot about family dynamics, attachment and relationships (sexual and emotional aspects). Therapy is part of my self care and it is non-negotiable and I always encourage people to proactively pursue it.

I don't have personal first hand experience on this particular situation, but I have seen it many times with others. I think it is wonderful you are thinking ahead and mapping out concerns because it otherwise has the potential to become a slippery slope of passive aggressive and toxic behavior.

What I DO have experience with is being someone who is very very clear with my boundaries. I will say that with practice, it gets easier to enforce boundaries. Be firm with boundaries and be very clear. It is uncomfortable at first but that initial discomfort will translate into relief later on when you realize that you have a set construct to reference when needed. Since you can't unring a bell, it is best to establish a protocol that doesn't lead you to ring it in the first place!

I recently wrote a piece about someone who was toxic and pushed my boundaries. While I regret initially letting this person push my boundaries a little, I was so thankful that I took the time to revisit my boundaries and ultimately cut this person from my life cold turkey. And I feel so grateful for having a good sense of my boundaries.....I feel like I dodged a bullet by not pursing that friendship any further. I bring this up as an example of the importance of boundaries for me. Overtime, I just have an inherent sense of uneasiness around people who don't respect them.

I know there are people out there in very similar situations so hopefully people will comment. I know this is a deeply personal topic so I will say that if you or anyone else wishes to discuss this privately, please DM me. I am happy to privately pass along information to connect people. Those who know me know that I deeply value the privacy and trust of others so I promise it would be discreet.

Wishing you all the luck on your new journey. It is scary for sure, but I've found that my darkest moments have given me the strength to follow my heart towards some of my most amazing moments. Stay strong and I hope you can find the answers you are looking for!

#asks #ramblings and musings

[bedbellyandbeyond]

Talk to a Doctor

(Story Post)

Dax had his doctor’s appointment right after Nari called. He explained everything that happened on the weekend to Syd who then proceeded to give him an exam. “You appear to be in good health,” Sydryn concluded after the examination. “It sounds like you had a thunderbird episode which may have caused or was influenced by a severe hormonal fluctuation.” “Yes, but I need to know what caused this…” Dax said. “This has literally never happened before. Not even close.” “I understand, but I don't have immediate answers for you,” Sydryn said. “I'm going to have some blood drawn so we can see your hormone levels. It could be a few days for the results. Meanwhile, have you talked with your case worker?” “Yes, and I have a meeting with her right after this…” Dax rubbing his forehead. “She's probably upset… I've become a liability after all.” Syd sighed and shook their head. “What makes you say that?” “The black vans that followed me around last night and today.”

“Ah… I can understand how that could make you feel,” Sydryn empathised. “It's fine, I get that it's all my fault…” Dax said. “I hurt Nathan, the love of my life, and I got Kent wrapped up in something he shouldn't have to be involved in…” He sniffled and wiped his eyes. “Now here I am trying to find a medical reason for just fucking up shit really bad… Maybe I did it on purpose, you know? I mean, Kent's a complete asshole, but I do find him attractive, and I love Nathan, but he doesn't have the confidence back to be intimate with me… I just thought I was more patient than that. I didn't think I'd hurt him…” Sydryn offered him the tissue box of their desk. “Don't be so hard on yourself. You're human. Your existence is inherently flawed. It's entirely possible there could be a medically explainable reason behind what happened on the weekend. It's also possible there was a little bit of motivation in there but it was amplified by your condition.” Dax took a tissue and blew his nose. “You think so?” Sydryn set the tissue box down on the edge of the table closest to Dax. “I believe you've mentioned before that the thunderbird will sometimes influence you to pursue your desires that you've been hesitant to pursue, is that not correct?” “Well, yes… When I was first realising my feelings for Nathan, they shocked me to get me out of my case worker meeting one night so I could bump into Nathan,” Dax said. “Moments like that have always frightened me a little. Just how much they know about those around me…” “Well you are dealing with a supernatural being with their own will and power,” Sydryn said. “I don't presume to fully understand the background they are coming from, but APID generally tries not to meddle with the desires of such beings with unfathomable ability because they are deemed unpredictable. We've established that you and the thunderbird are both different entities sharing the same body. It is possible their will to grant your desires took over.” “But, what confuses me is that I used to have more control,” Dax said. “It's like they have no boundaries now. They'll just take over whenever they see fit.” “This is where I’m hoping to be able to help you,” Sydryn said. “It could be that something has been affecting you that has broken down your ability to control the thunderbird. Usually, it is stormier weather that may weaken you, however we are not aware of that naturally occurring that night.” “Yes, there wasn't a storm in effect until I turned into the thunderbird,” Dax said. “Right, so look at it like this,” Syd said. “A cold shouldn't kill the average person with a healthy immune system, but someone who obtains an illness which drastically compromises their immune system, the common cold could now be fatal to them. I'm looking for the illness.” “Right, I understand…” Dax said. “I'm worried you might not find one.” “If there isn't one, we won't find it,” Sydryn said. “But you explained how you were ill that day with a fever and you reported that this Kent person said you were emitting pheromones like an animal in heat. I can't ignore that.” Dax shrugged. “I mean, Kent could be lying… He lies to himself all the time.” “Regardless, I will do my best to look for any biochemical issues that may have influence in this case,” Sydryn explained. “There are many factors to consider, including but not limited to stress, change in environment, change in physical activity, and change in diet. The body can potentially develop extreme reactions to any of these.” “What, like allergies?” Dax asked. “Possibly. Comparably.” “Okay…” Dax rubbed the back of his neck. “I hope you find something… It really feels like I wasn't myself at all.” “Well, we'll run all the tests.” Sydryn went to their computer. “In the meantime, might I suggest you sit down with the therapist to talk some of this out? It sounds like you're undergoing a lot of stress and you could benefit from discussing your feelings.” “Right… I shouldn't bore you with all my anxieties after all,” Dax said. “No, it's not like that at all. I am a fully licensed psychologist as well as a physician, however I do have other patients to see, and I find the resident therapist's methods to be much more amicable than I.” “Honestly, I appreciate your straightforward and blunt approach,” Dax said. “But I get it. You must be busy as well.” “If you'd really like to speak to me, you certainly can book another appointment,” Sydryn said. “It's really up to you who you're comfortable with talking to. I'm just not really practicing psychology as frequently, though I do take into account all forms of health in my practice.” Dax nodded slowly. “I think for now I just want to go home… I haven't been around enough to be a proper bird parent to Orpheus. She's driving Samara crazy.” “If I recall correctly, she’s a blue ringneck parakeet?” Sydryn remembered. “Yeah, I'm surprised you remembered,” Dax said. “That's why I appreciate you.” “I have several animals of my own, however they too are under the care of others as I live away from them for work,” Sydryn stated. “What kinds?” Dax asked. “Well, some dogs and others…” Sydryn said. “As much as I'd like to muse about our respective companions, I do have to ask if you need me for anything else before seeing my next patient.” “Ah, sorry. No, I'm good for now…” Dax said getting up to leave. Sydryn stood as well. “I believe if you talk to reception now, Köbi should be able to fit you in with a technician to get your blood drawn today.” Dax nodded. “Alright. If it's done today, when should I expect my results?” “We’re a bit pressed right now, so it could be a week, to be honest,” Sydryn admitted. “I will call you personally as soon as I have them.” “Okay,” Dax said going to the door. “Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.” “It was an APID priority,” Sydryn stated. “Ah, figures…” Dax sighed. “D’accord, salut.” “À bientôt.”

#lore #Dax #Sydryn

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello mbti-notes, How do you do? Hope you're having a good time in your vacation!

I'm a 25F (unhealthy, level 1) INFJ, and my mother (late 40s) is ISFJ. I- have some issues myself and it's affecting my relationships. I currently stay away from socializing and bottling up my issues and problems. If it gets bad I cry alone in the bathroom dealing with mixed feelings of love and resentment.

I don't know how to start but I recently realized my mother has toxic traits and this causes some inner conflict. I understand she has went through a lot in life (so did my dad, still typing him)...but I want her to realize she too is flawed, not just us. There are various times she hurt me with words and during some of those incidents, we end up fighting and I say things in anger that hurt her. She believes she is never in the wrong and adapts the victim mentality. Whenever I try to reason with her, she doesn't admit her faults and immediately brings up things I did in the past. She actually repeats whatever we say in a taunting manner out of spite. As I write this, I am realizing this sounds ridiculous.

While growing up, she hated me being close to my dad and manipulated me using the victim mentality, so she succeeded in making me dislike my father in childhood. One time when we fought, I told her, "now I understand why dad doesn't bother to clear up things with you! You never listen and twist words!" She took this as betrayal and thinks I'm completely on dad's side, who hurt her. I did not dismiss her pain. I want her to understand all of us are messed up and we need to work on ourselves and fix things.

I fear that as she grows old, she'll grow more stubborn and become narcissistic. I fear that I would become like her in the future after getting married and act like her to my children and spouse in the future. My parents themselves are unhealthy due to having grown up in unhealthy and toxic environments themselves, and their parents were bounded by toxic traditions like patriarchal misogynistic practices. I am afraid of this cycle continuing, the cycle of unhealthy parents hurting their children and they grow up like that too. What should I do? How do I make my parents realize we all need help and need to improve ourselves?

I know first and foremost I should be improving myself, but I am also worried about them. I am not saying I am perfect, I also have some toxic traits but I watch myself when interacting with others. There are so many I's and reeks of narcissism, need to stop that. Also realized that I'm probably having a problem with my parent's toxic traits, maybe it's my high standards not letting me accept these flaws. They took great pains to raise me and my sibling, but it also hurts me to see them like this, I just want them to be happy and be in harmony. Apologies for this rambling, it's hard to put them in order since English is not my first language.

--------------------

The main problem is that neither you nor your mom is capable of healthy relationship boundaries. When two people don't set, respect, and enforce proper boundaries, they easily end up in a vicious cycle of conflict, even when they love each other. Why? In a close relationship, two people know exactly what buttons to push and how to bait each other into conflict. Why bait each other into conflict? When there is a serious underlying problem and/or traumatic wounding in the relationship that remains unresolved, the two parties will rehash the problem or replay the trauma over and over again, in an unconscious attempt to achieve resolution or feel a sense of closure.

Unfortunately, resolution or closure rarely happens, because during the conflict, the pain is never truly heard or addressed. The cycle of conflict then gradually escalates, as both parties get more aggressive in wanting to be heard and validated. Each person uses the conflict to act out their unresolved ego dramas and traumas. You both claim to be victims and you use each other to reinforce the victim narrative. While it might be true that you are both victims in some form, it is unproductive to keep accusing each other of being the enemy or victimizer. Nobody will ever "win" this conflict because nobody is really listening to the pain that is being expressed. The blame game destroys the good will required to reach mutual understanding.

A repetitive cycle of conflict continues because BOTH parties are putting energy into it and perpetuating it. Oftentimes, one major contributing factor to the original problem/trauma was poor communication skills or hurtful communication habits. Until at least one of the two parties improves their ability to listen and communicate maturely, there is nothing to stop the cycle of conflict, short of severing the relationship for good.

Your mom has "toxic traits" that created a toxic environment for you growing up. You acknowledge that you have similarly toxic traits and want to address them. Good. You're an adult now. An important part of growing up is becoming independent and taking personal responsibility for the trajectory of your life. You make the decisions as an adult, so your problems are in your hands. Her problems are hers to handle. Your process of healing should not require anything from your mom or even blaming your mom.

The fact that you want her to admit fault, accompany you, or work on herself means that you are violating her boundary. You want her to change, when she isn't ready or doesn't want to. You use criticism to pressure her and that causes her pain. Her maltreatment of you during conflict is an expression of the pain that you're causing her. Similarly, the way that you mistreat her is the manifestation of the pain she has caused you in the past. The longer the pain remains unresolved, the more likely it is that the hurt turns into anger, then rage, then spite...

You don't like the ways in which she tries to manipulate you to be who/what she wants you to be. That's fair. But you're not fully recognizing that you're doing the same thing to her. You're essentially saying that you won't be able to grow up and move on with your life until she becomes the mom that you want her to be. In a way, you're holding the both of you hostage. It doesn't matter if you believe that you're being altruistic and it's "for her own good" - she believes exactly the same thing when she tries to change you. Trying to change her, against her will, amounts to an attack on her being. If you're not able to love someone as they are, you're in no position to help them. If you're not able to communicate with someone without causing hurt to yourself or them, you're in no position to help them. "Helping" is about supporting people in their efforts, not about constantly pressuring them to live up to your standards.

You are too emotionally entangled with her. You want her validation, her support, her empathy, her cooperation, her confession, her atonement, etc. It sounds like none of that is forthcoming, nor is it even necessary. As long as you can't face the reality of who your mom is and keep expecting her to be different, YOU are choosing to keep yourself tied to her and her toxic ways. Yes, everyone needs social support in life, but as an adult, you should no longer need a "mom".

To become independent, you need to draw your own personal boundary in life and work within it to heal your personality problems. When you become a capable boundary setter and carve out your own space in the world, you know to rest and recuperate within its bounds and you know to keep people out when they don't respect its bounds. If you need help or support with your healing, she is obviously not the right choice, is she? She is not capable of entering your boundary without the conflict arising again, is she? There's nothing wrong with needing help/support, but you are not going to find much success by seeking it from the least qualified of sources.

Children aren't born knowing how to conduct healthy and mature relationships, so they can't be expected to understand boundaries when no one taught them. However, as an adult, it is your responsibility to address that knowledge deficit, if you hope to break past patterns and have healthy relationships. Do you understand what a boundary is, how to set one, and how to enforce one? It's about respecting your own being, respecting the being of others, and learning how to mingle with people without allowing hurt or violation. I suggest that you work with a therapist who specializes in relationships and boundary setting. Judging by the nature of your disagreements with her, you need to work on your communication skills and conflict resolution skills too. See the related tags and book suggestions on the resources page.

#parent child relationship #infj relationships #relationships #boundaries #independence #conflict #ask

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

CW: Relationship struggles, potential trauma bonding? Post-csa, post grooming (not described in detail just mentioned) intimacy issues/sexuality maybe toxic relationship?

Searching for advice and/or validation.

It's so hard to find any resources or even opinions to this kind of topic or cptsd and relationships in general (probably because evey relationship is different?) feel so alone and lost with this. It's hard to write about but if not here I don't know where then.

I suffered through csa in my early teens. Repressed it completely till it resurfaced with my first serious relationship and I went to therapy.

Now I do have a lovely partner who supports me and ... at least at the beginning gave me a lot of security. I've been open to him about my trauma from the start. I felt comfortable with him and for the first time even though I'm having kind of a childish way(nativity) to view intimacy. He kind of got me courious. Still a bit careful but I was ready to try small steps with him to get there some day - or atleast I thought I was.

This stopped very soon after I got confronted with his arousal and the fact that he was a sexual being (at least that's the dots I connected afterwards). I think even though I don't want to I see everything that has to do with his sexuality as some kind of parasite and get repulsed by it.

He might have activated a trauma response all over again. (It's my theory). Since then hugs are okay but no kisses most importantly not if he starts them. The more I withdraw the more he clings and needs validation and confirmation that I love him and stuff - he does respect my physical boundaries so there's no physical contact til I initiate a kiss. And I'm switching between feeling bad for pushing him away or worse starting to get a complete controllfreak because if things don't go my way I get upset and reassuring my self that I need to set my boundaries and that that's okay.

And at the same time I get very frustrated if he agrees with every thing I suggest or every boundary I set. Trying his best to respect and keep up with them without ever complaining.

I kind of start to wish he would complain or tell me if he thinks my boundaries are to much. Or just tell me when he's frustrated just so I know he has an opinion. This maybe doesn't change that I need to set this boundary for myself but at least he doesn't blindly go along with everything or tells me how he feels about it.

I'm so scared I might turn toxic.

I tried to talk about this but he blocks my intent, says everything is fine. But I know he struggles with self-worth and me kind of rejecting him doesn't make it better. I tried to talk him into getting support from a consular because I know its not easy for both of us but he refused and I feel like we're stuck but I don't know if I can get back to the feeling of security we started with but I also don't want to give this up.

I trust my Therapist but it's so hard to talk about such things like intimacy. Here I can be a scared coward and hide behind a mask of anonymity. (I'm really sorry if you feel like this topic is not for you)

I really do not know how to handle this.

Hi there! Thanks for reaching out! I know it can take a lot to ask for help, anonymity or no, and I’m very proud of you for doing so.

First, I’d like you to know that your boundaries are entirely up to you, and what you’re comfortable with. It’s okay to have them, and to enforce them. Keeping yourself safe is very important, and I’m proud of you for making that a priority. You aren’t toxic or a bad person for having a stricter set of boundaries.

With boundaries tends to come a lot of guilt and questioning whether or not it’s hurting others, and it’s okay to question that! Good, even. Try sitting down with your partner and asking him how your boundaries are affecting him, and ask him to be more open with you on that in the future. Tell him how you’ve been worried that they’re negatively impacting your relationship and that he’s too kind and respectful to mention it. Be honest with him about your fears regarding how it makes him feel—he’s the only one who can put them to rest, because only he knows how it makes him feel. If he tries to get in front of it with “it’s fine,” it’s okay to say “I hear what you’re saying and I respect that but I think I really need to have this conversation anyway. Would you please hear me out?”

In regards to the resurfacing trauma response, it’s unfortunately something very common amongst those with sexual trauma. It’s okay to be triggered when you thought you’d be fine, and it’s okay to place boundaries to prevent that from happening again. In my experience, the added level of intimacy can be triggering as well, “being confronted with his arousal,” with the knowledge that the person you trust and cling to has the same sexual feelings and has the capability to hurt you like someone has hurt you before, can be a lot to process. It’s okay to need time and space to process that and manage any trauma it brings up.

Though it can be very difficult to talk about certain topics with your therapist, that’s what they’re there for. They exist to help you work through those difficult topics and sort through your trauma and provide reassurance and support. Remember, your therapist is on your payroll. If you decide you want to stop talking about something, you can. If you want to delve deeper into something, you can. They may be the guide, but you get to set the destination, you get to choose which paths to explore and which to pass by. You are in control. It is your therapist’s job to help you, not to judge you, and it seems like you have a great rapport with your therapist already, I’m sure they’ll be alright exploring this area of your life with you if you decide to bring it up.

All in all, communication is your best friend. Communicate and uphold your boundaries, communicate how you’re feeling to your partner and ask for some communication in return, communicate with your therapist, and most importantly, communicate with yourself. Take a personal inventory, take time to reassure yourself, take time to practice some self care. Let yourself know that you are loved and safe and that it’s okay to struggle.

In addition, this post here has some great methods for dealing with PTSD symptoms and recovery, and this site has some advice for healing from csa; I recommend looking through them!

I’m really proud of you, and I hope things are improving for you. Thanks for sharing!

-Mod Snowfall 🌨

#mod snowfall #csa tw #trauma talks #grooming tw