#theres not even anything wrong with not wanting to grow up like. if i didnt literally have to i probably wouldnt have either but. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

koszmarnybudyn · 2 months

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Here's a long poem about the teens, and growing up and about a lot of things, its called "You have to kill god"

You and your besties need to kill god, maybe you were always destined to, fate is such a picky woman after all, you didnt ask for it, there should have been better options, maybe there were, older, stronger wiser, but there all useless now. You didn't want to kill god, not untill you were in highschool, not untill you saw the incocent die, not untill you saw the ones in power as corrupt, your kindegarden teacher smiled so wide as those kids grew up much faster than they should, oh so wide, you did too you think, the clothes from a few weeks ago dont fit anymore, the photos on the walls feel fake, you shouldnt look so young, it doesnt feel like you, but it is, youve changed, it hurts, and isnt that the thing that comes for us all, after all youve seen death, you know heaven and you know hell and you know they are both shells of what they told you, both run by incompetent assholes, so you have to kill god, there is no debate. The mayor died, i guess nurture failed after all, youve been destined to be what you are, and what you are is nothing, the blood you have has always dragged you here, the first hands to hold you were the ones to burn those marks into your soul, do you have a soul? You share one, so you must, but maybe you dont maybe you are as hollow as you feel, he didn't, do you even remember him? You never did. hes back, he is going to die, he said he loved you, you dont think he lied, but youve been wrong about many things. You know this one, you have to kill god, he never hugged you enough, he wasnt there enough, will you be the same? Will your hands also hurt more than they create, will the act of creation be something worse than that of destroying. Will your children ever forgive you, will you love them enough? You were never enough, they never liked you, you now know there is a diffrence. It hurts, it always hurts. You have to kill god, they were suppose to do it, they failed, they always fail, dont you always fail as well? You tried so so hard, you studied, you learned you listened, it wasnt enough, its stupid, its like soooo stupid, you shouldnt care, youre cool like that, you still care. You always cared, more than you should have. You have to kill god, hes stupid, he tried to be like you, well he pretended to be, you belived him, you freed him, he lied. They voted for him, he was beloved, your mom loves him, your dad loves him, you never got the hype, maybe you tried it, they spoke so highly of him, in his nice suit and with his firm handshake, with his perfect smile, he nearly got you and your friends arrested, he nearly got you killed, he made the public hate you, you were never safe, were you ever safe? Is anyone ever safe? You dont know, you wish you did, you wish for so many things. That's youth isnt it, being foolish and dumb and trusting people you shouldnt, maybe all adults suck, maybe they all want to see you fail so they can scream about your generation as you crawl up clifs they made by destroying bridges their parents built. Maybe all life is a battle, you were too young to know anything else, they were always fighting, they didnt rest they sacrificed everything, you should be greatful why arent you greatful!! You are so disrespectful!!

...Why dont we talk anymore? You used to be so small, and life was simple, and now with the strechmarks and the too short tshirts came the difficult, there came the power the independance, the knowledge, but you still know nothing, how can you be so dumb. You used to be soooo smart, maybe the world got dumber, the adults seem to, they dont get it, you have to kill god and then theres homework and the extracuricullums and well you gotta sleep sometime so no sorry can't hang out schedules pretty tight sorry guys maybe next month. You know they didnt require seatbellts in cars once? The world got safer, simpler, so why arent you? Why are you still fighting, you should be at the club, sonics maybe, sneaking alcohol into parties, trying vaping, dancing to shitty pop songs, but you arent, you maybe never will, will you even go back to highschool, its probablly ash now, rubble maybe, youve been absent for months, dad talkes about going to sleepovers, the one you did ended in a double kiddnapping. You dont know what youll do in the future, will you have a future? After you kill god maybe, youll go to school, collage, get a job act like everythings normal, carry on, smile, act like the scars you have are from fireworks or dumb accidents, not enemies and spells. You have to kill god, you dont know how, youll have to figure it out, yoy always do, they never gave instuctions for this stuff. You have to kill god, and maybe its not alright, and maybe it never will, but you are trying and you are here with your besties so maybe you can do it, this once.

#dndads #dungeons and daddies #my art #dndads spoilers #dndads s2 #poetry #i wrote this and didnt really edit so its kinda a rant like all my poetry tbh

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natsmagi · 11 months

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am i the only one who feels like forcing a nuclear family dynamic onto switch is like seriously infantilizing to sora. he and natsume are literally like one year apart .. and him being as strongly autistic coded makes it more uncomfortable tbh

oh no i totally get that! i do think there are instances where people really water sora down to simply being a "child" which really sucks. im someone whos autistic myself so i also understand the discomfort that comes with this

i will say though i feel the issue is less "viewing switch as a family where sora is their kid" and more "viewing sora AS a kid" because hes approaching 18 years old himself now. itd be gross to continue infantilizing him

i feel like the reason this happens so often though is because in the text itself sora gets coddled alot by natsume and tsumugi. natsume sometimes outright being written like an overbearing parent to sora. but i dont think this is the writers infantilizing him either. rather i think this is the writers trying to create parallels in the story

natsume is someone who hates being coddled and seen as a child and weak, yet after the war he was left with just that. feeling like a weak child who couldnt do anything and was protected by his niisans, but still left all alone by himself. and then the next year starts and he runs into sora again. we dont know how this encounter really went, all we know is sora felt alone and like an outcast and was taken in by natsume and tsumugi. i think when natsume saw sora like this he couldnt help but see himself in him. seeing that weak child he himself was (esp since when natsume was an actual kid he would also speak in third person like sora) and i think this was what triggered him to basically devote himself to protecting sora. not wanting what happened to natsume to happen to him either. but he failed to realize that, while his actions are out of nothing but love, hes doing the very thing he hated when people did to him. sora loves natsume more than anything of course and doesnt seem to mind too much, but even sora has stated numerous times that hes not a kid and doesnt wish to be viewed as one. and iirc didnt tsumugi also once say natsumes "refusal to let sora grow up" was a cruel thing to do to sora or something to that effect?

i feel like people see natsumes (and in turn charas like the oddballs) treatment of sora and view it very surface level. they see him coddle sora and in turn wish to do so too! but in doing so it overlooks WHY natsume is doing this and the complexities of it all, and in turn leads to sora being infantilized

what i wanna say is i dont think theres anything wrong with portraying switch as a family. i dont think theres anything wrong with viewing sora as a cute little guy! but when you start viewing him as an incompetent child who needs guidance and cant do anything on his own without natsume or tsumugi is when it starts getting really gross. i dont think we should shame people for how they find joy in switchs relationship with one another, but i wish we wouldnt reduce them to roles and tropes. theyre complex characters ! hes not a kid hes his own person !!

#im still awake. heavy sigh #sorry if this is incoherent its approaching 4am i gotta be up at 8 oops #ask #all of this is like my own interpretation btw yada yada

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kylejsugarman · 2 months

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16 and 21 for Baby, 6 for Demi, and I forget what their brother's name was i'msosorry but 4 for him!

thank u ro!!! 🥺 although 40 lashes for not remembering mason's name

16. What does your OC's childhood bedroom look like?

when baby is still living in the ayuluk house, she sleeps in the bedroom that was converted from a closet back when mason was born, which did its job but wasnt anything special. once jesse and demi decided to move in together, he got really excited by the prospect of turning the spare room into baby's new bedroom. he built her a trundle bed with drawers underneath to store her toys and books and a desk while demi painted the walls light blue. there's thick blue curtains over the window to keep out bright sunlight on snow light that have graphics of kelp and coral along the bottom half and fish to make it look like the ocean floor. one corner has all her doll stuff and is padded with a rug so she can comfortably play on her knees. it's a little eclectic and theres definitely a lot of blue, but baby LOVES it. her room is her favorite place in the world.

21. If your OC could speak to their childhood self, what would they say?

man. "we're kind of weird, but that's ok. we don't have to change that part or anything. but please don't think ur wrong or not supposed to be loved. ur going to be so happy. people will like u for real and u will like urself :)"

6. Did your OC have a teacher or a mentor growing up? What was your OC's relationship with them like?

demi definitely looked up to her mom and had a lot of love for her, but it was difficult to like. fully learn from and trust her because demi Was the lightning rod for sam henry's abuse and everyone Knew it, including her mom. she was really polite to adults, but didnt really trust most of them or expect them to understand her until her eighth grade science teacher. initially, her teacher was just impressed by demi's intellect and performance in the class, but she soon realized that demi was not being nurtured quite the way she deserved to be. this was a smart, sweet kid who didnt recognize those traits in herself. she gets to know demi and invites her to read or do homework in her classroom before and after school so demi doesnt have to wait outside. she's the one who encourages demi to start volunteering at the animal shelter once demi admits that she'd like to go into a caretaking profession and likes animals more than people. it wasn't anything like Monumental, but demi really needed this kind of encouragement and just attention from an adult and it set her on her career path. they're facebook friends and demi agonizes at least once a month over whether she should send a message to her to express her gratitude or if it would be Weird.

4. What was your OC's childhood dream? Is that still their dream? If it has changed, why did it change and what's their new dream?

mason was the kind of kid who wanted to do Only Cool Shit when he grew up. like he did Not want to be a doctor or a police officer, he wanted to be a BMX racer or helicopter pilot or just like. guy who drives monster trucks for a living. his dream was basically to live to the extreme and never, ever have a boring life. now as an adult, this isnt quite his dream anymore, but he still aspires to not live a boring life. working at the docks and manning industrial fishing boats injects some excitement into his life while also providing a pretty good wage for first his family, then himself. he and his buddies will do fun, risky shit—snowboarding, axe-throwing, jumping ice floes—just for the sake of having fun. mason has a little more self-awareness now and concern for his wellbeing since he had to take on a lot of responsibility before he was even an adult and currently wants to stay at least somewhat safe to be there for his sister and her family, but he's sticking to his dream of never letting tedium and fear win.

#rosayoro #ask #syd squeaks #this again got too long but i had SO much fun answering these omg #baby ayuluk #demi ayuluk #mason ayuluk #jesse pinkman

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marygodwin-bsd · 10 months

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Rating members of the Guild based on nothing but my own vibes (I haven't seen all of season 3)

there is a part 1 and 2 of this and ill probably make a part 4

Lucy M. Montgomery

10/10 for the fact once she showed up the show stopped treating kyouka like a possible ship for atsushi. 3/10 for the fact they gave her braces but when they needed her to be attractive they got rid of them ??? her design is 7/10, i like all her colors and shes very distinct, but she has the same issue as kunikida does with those big flyaway spikes that ernd up changing the entire hairstyle? just braids would have been fine. 9/10 for that incredibly cool but confusing power, also I just love her so much overall imma give her an 8/10

Nathaniel Hawthorne

im totally biased bc I liked the scarlett letter except for how much this man loved commas ANYWAYS this guys power is 10/10 freaking SICK I LOVE IT. 6/10 for the design its not bad but its very uhh .. monochromatic?? still cool and i get it might be because the red stands out but like give him one more red piece on his person. 10/10 for secretly being hoplessly in love with margaret?? I love it??? it reminds me so much of the book because of how hester and whatever his name was are super comfortable and sweet with one another in the forest and no one knows about them its peaceful and its fantastic ily nate overall 8/10 he seems like the kind of priest who would give free hugs at a pride parade

Margaret Mitchell

10/10 for the literal interpretation of Gone With The Wind but i wanna see her make a tornado. 10/10 for being in love with Hawthorne i love a secret romance. 7/10 for that accent in the english VA. 4/10 for seeming like shed be a little... a little phobic idk why i just get that vibe and this is about vibes love the fit 7/10 im just wondering how she can stand to possibly get her skirt wet 7/10 overall i just dont know enough about her to comment on anything else

John Steinbeck

8/10 for that power being cool but looking so viscerally gross. 7/10 for looking like Baldroy and Finny smashed together, 5/10 for that backstory bc i get it but dude youre going the wrong way. 9/10 for growing grapes for me <3. but 3/10 for putting the girls in danger cmon man be a gentleman overall 7/10

James L.

(I cannot find a Gif.) uh 6/10 for being there but then he dipped i didnt even know who this was

Mark Twain

GIMME MORE 5/10 for how i dont understand his ability at all did they just not know what to do and so they gave him his own tiny characters???? 8/10 because hes so cute but uh all the redheads in this show look related bc they are the Same Shade of RedHeaded cmon hony you know how to move a slider towards yellow just make his hair a little lighter. Theres not much about him and im not sure why hes a sniper 6/10 for not getting it, but hes cute! overall 7/10

H.P. Lovecraft

10/10 the best way they couldve represented him- honestly i was SO WORRIED bc you know you know what IRL lovecraft was like(0/10 for his racism) im just glad they didnt make him like his IRL counterpart instead they just made him like one of his own monsters 9/10! Fantastic idea! I like how just plain weird he is? he has no ability. hes just Like That. the guild just decided they wanted him. team pet. let him nap. 9/10 on that design, hes monochromatic but his hair and face and all that are distinct. oh also 10/10 because in that one fight he uh kunikida uh uh uh 9/10 overall really well done

Herman Melville

dont know much about him at this moment um 4/10 i hate his beard whats going on there uh 8/10 for the fact he and Moby Dick can talk to eachother and also have arguments apparently??? way to be one with thyself dude 6/10 because i know very little about him

Louisa May Alcott

baby 7/10 but i feel like shes lonely also how on earth does her ability have anything to do with Little Women?? is time slowing down like, a knock on the book? are they calling it slow?? i'll never know. 8/10 design i like it a lot i mean shes not super distinct but shes cute. overal 8/10

Edgar Allen Poe

POE!!!! i heard about poe before i watched the show uh 4/10 for how dirty they did him giving him a pet raccoon i love Karl but that is foul (RIP irl Poe rabies mustve sucked) 8/10 for his dynamic with rampo, though i havent gotten far enough to find true ship material beyond that one episode? 7/10 for the design its cool but a bit impractical and i feel like hes doing it for show but honestly its a stylistic choice overall 8/10 for his everything love him

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Money monehy money, must be funny, in a rich mans world 10/10 for how much he loves his wife i know irl FSG was a dbag to his so great improvement i also think its so funny that his power is Money like how did you learn that so 9/10 for that. 7/10 for that design i can get on board with most of it but his bangs look too much like kunikidas and what is that tie pattern??other than that hes fantastic. the backstory is sad and i wish he could save his daughter. 8/10 overall bc he still beat up atsushi

Part 1 here Part 2 here Part 4 here

#f scott fitzgerald bsd #lucy montgomery bsd #poe bsd #nathaniel hawthorne bsd #margaret mitchell bsd #john steinbeck bsd #louisa may alcott bsd #herman melville bsd #hp lovecraft bsd #mark twain bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #kunikida #atsushi nakajima #bsd

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just-sarah-xx · 5 months

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tw vent

idek. i hate having to get up in the mornings and having to go out and be okay and im hurting inside all the time and im used to bottling it up except im not sure how good i do that and i just have the hurt and the everything stuck inside me and it really makes me want to die everything is the same and i really. dont think theres anything worth staying for anymore. there is nothing i want more than to die and disintegrate into ashes and dust and fly to sunlit forests until the wind sweeps me somewhere else again. im still telling myself, i have a future, what about our childhood dreams, what about moving out, what about giving my kids the childhood they deserve, what about living a better life and getting better for myself, what about being a psychiatrist and helping people, what about living with my friends, what about the things ill never get to do. but i really dont know if thats enough. i dont even know if hes enough to make me stay anymore. where did i go wrong? how did i go from young and naive and loving everyone and everything in my own little world to this? destroying myself with everything i do and constantly wanting to die? life is so underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time and im worried about everyone. like these 2 people are dealing with everything but i just want them to be okay. they dont deserve the hurt and negative feelings and i wish i could take it away or they could at least give it to me because theyre the best thing to ever happen to me and i really love them but theyre dealing with stuff too and i check in and do what i can but i dont think im good enough to be there for them. they have other friends and other closer friends i feel like but sometimes they vent or tell me about their problems and i wish i could make it all better. they deserve the world and i love them so much theyve both been through a lot and i just love these 2 people so so so much they mean so much to me except i dont know how to show it and i dont want them to think im being weird or anything i dont want to talk to someone about it because i feel so stupid when they comment on it and i feel like im being attention seeking and i just hate it and i hate how i even need to vent because why cant i be okay i didnt want this i feel so much hurt sometimes i dont even know why and its so much that it turns physical and into a pain in my chest and i feel like my heart is being clawed out and someone is squeezing my lungs and dicing it up into little pieces and some of them call it love and others are just like that and i feel like a puppet sometimes and i feel really fucking dead sometimes and i cant do anything well or at all and i feel so replaceable sometimes because there could be someone better because i feel like everyone hates me sometimes and i want to be better except i cant because this is the way i am and i really hate it because why cant i be perfect and good and be there for my friends and not mess up the relationships i have and maybe i wouldnt be left out all the time and maybe i would be the friend that walks with the other friends on the sidewalk and maybe i would be the friend that they tell their secrets to and maybe i would be the friend that makes their life at least a little better and maybe i would be the friend they trust with their life and maybe we would have that connection and i want it so badly but whenever i try it just doesnt work and i am so tired im so tired of life i dont know where i went wrong and i just want to go so bad and never come back but whos going to be the one taking everything that he throws at us so my siblings wont have to grow up with the trauma and end up how i did and who would be the one to check in on them because no one else will and who will be the one who teaches my sister that its okay to love and not be okay and who will teach both of my siblings that love is okay and being yourself is okay and who will be the one who is there for him when he needs it and i just sfkghj

#tw vent #tw suicide #tw rant #tw trauma #mentions of death #vent #irl people please ignore this whole thing im good #swearing cw #tw abuse #tw depressing stuff #tw depressing thoughts #tw depressive

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spithyuck · 2 years

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relationship guidelines | na jaemin

synopsis: Even if you didn't want to admit it, the two of you would do anything to protect each other. Despite constant attempts to make Jaemin jealous, you still loved him, even if you think he doesn't love you back. genre: fluff, angst, smut, childhood friends to lovers, mutual pining warnings: language, violence episode: three note: i didnt read this chapter over so srry if theres mistakes and sorry if the ending seems rushed 😭😭

You and Renjun sat across from each other. He thanked the server for the food—the server smiled, walked away. “So,” he started, “What’s going on with you and Jaemin?” Your eyes shot up at his question.

“What is there to know?” You laughed awkwardly. “Come on.” Renjun nagged, “I know there’s something going on with you two. Whenever you stare at him, you always get this look on your face, and I can tell something’s up by that expression.” He smiled.

You began to eat, ignoring his question. “Hey! Don’t ignore me.” He stole something from your plate, eating it and catching your attention quickly. “Fuck off,” You took something from his plate and ate it. “Mmh, this is good, what’d you order?” You said. “Stop avoiding the question.”

“You know you can tell me anything. I’m not even that close with Jaemin anyways, so what would I tell him?”

And he made a good point. They never really talked to each other, Renjun never tells your secrets, and he’s one of your closest friends. Nothing could go wrong if you told him, you thought.

“We kissed once,” Renjun went wide-eyed, mouth almost agape. “But now I feel like he’s playing hard to get against me. He’s trying to act like nothing happened, but now I’m thinking about him all the time, and it’s horrible. You know, yesterday…” You lowered your voice, “I think I almost had a sex dream about him.”

Renjun’s jaw was now slack to the floor.

“Okay, go back to the beginning—why’d you kiss in the first place?” He asked, “We were watching a drama, there was a kissing scene. I got bored. He asked if we wanted to kiss too, so we did.”

“But now he’s trying to act like everything is normal between us, but normal friends don’t kiss each other, right?” You said. “Yeah…” He sounded almost judgmental. “Well now I can tell by that look on your face that you’re judging me,” You added, taking a sip of the lukewarm water.

Renjun laughed, “I’m not judging you. I just think it’s weird. Are you going to try and like, seduce him or something?” It was as if he was a mind-reader. “I’ve tried. But he’s just so stoic, all the time, it’s annoying at this point. But it’s still cute. He’s still cute.”

“Eh. I think he’s better than your ex,”

About three hours later, you and Renjun said your goodbyes and left each other alone. What he said had you curious—could you guys still be friends after that? Could he be your boyfriend? One thing was for sure, he was surely better than your ex. Under any circumstances, no matter how emotionless he may be. After all, Jaemin was a benefactor in what helped you break it off with him in the first place.

You typed “can I still be just friends with someone after kissing them?” Into the search-bar on your phone and pressed a reliable-looking website that allowed random people to answer other people’s questions.

Luckily for you, the answer to your question was: no. You’d end up becoming sex partners or grow apart.

You didn’t want either of those things to happen, in fact, you had come to terms with the fact that you had longed for the feeling of being loved again. Jaemin could give you that. After all, he cared about you. He was a good person, that was what you’d always told yourself.

But what kind of person were you to him?

You scrolled to another answer on the same post. It read ‘It depends on the person. You might want to kiss and have sex with someone, you might want the opposite. So it just depends on the person.’

You couldn’t have been a one-night-stand. You hadn’t had sex with him. Would it seem too clingy if you’d text him to talk about the kiss? He’d moved on.

“Hey, Y/N!” Mark’s cheerful voice made you drop your phone on your desk in shame. “Hi.” Mark and Haechan walked over to your desk, placing things on the opposite end. “Hey, where’s Renjun?” Haechan asked Mark. “He’s meeting someone.”

“He doesn’t care much about school.” You butted in, the two nodding and continuing a separate conversation.

You wanted to ask what to say to get Jaemin to like you, but they were his two best friends; aside from Jeno, who you didn’t really know much about. The only time the two of you talked was at parties. Only recently had the two of you started talking without an obvious element of awkwardness in your voices.

About thirty minutes went by, Mark and Haechan were long gone by now; you were left alone to work on an art project, until Jeno suddenly walked up to you and sat in front of you. “Y/N?” You looked up, confused.

“I wanted to know if you wanted to go see a movie with me later—“ Jeno was cut off by Jaemin’s death stare from afar. Once Jaemin noticed that Jeno saw him, he walked over behind you and smiled.

“What are you two talking about?” He placed one hand on the edge of your seat and another on the table. “I was hoping that Y/N would see a movie with me.”

“So, you two are close then, I assume,” Jaemin placed the hand that was on your seat onto your shoulder, to which you shrugged off.

“Yeah, we are. We’re friends.” You turned your head away from Jaemin’s and back to Jeno. “Let’s watch it. I like romantic movies.” You smiled at him, to which he smiled back, nodding.

Jaemin took the phone from his friend, gesturing to it then to the two of you—“Hey, this is sexual, isn’t it?” He commented.

“Yes. It is.” You took the phone from his hands and handed it back to Jeno. “Great. You’ll need a lesson or two,”

Jeno turned towards Jaemin, a confused look on his face. “The male lead,”

“He’s a good kisser.” Jaemin turned to you. You mirrored his actions, grabbing him by the wrist and dragging him into the hallway.

“What was that about?” You muttered. “What? I was just rambling,” He smiled. “Stop playing around. I’m serious, Jaemin, and usually you are too, but I guess that’s off the table when you get jealous of your two friends that are going to see a movie together.”

“There’s nothing between us, you know, he’s a good guy!” You slightly raised your tone of voice. “Why are you so upset?” He asked.

“I’m not upset!…I’m not upset.” The angered expression softened at his sympathetic one, “You’ve been growing apart from me since that day. You know that? You haven’t made a single effort to contact me.”

“Neither have you.” Jaemin snapped back. “What’s so wrong about that? Everybody grows apart. Even close friends.” He added, crossing his arms and taking small steps towards you. “I’m not that kind of guy, either, if that’s what you’re thinking. I won’t try anything with you. I don’t care who you go out with, but that’s Jeno, for gods sake. He’s not even your friend.”

“Maybe you’d know he was my friend if you paid more attention to what’s going on in my life.”

You pushed past him, walking back into the classroom; Jeno had somehow already left. You grabbed your backpack and your phone, as well as your project, and left the classroom to go to your apartment. At least it wasn’t during class and nobody saw you.

A few hours had passed since you got to your apartment.

Your phone rang, and to your greatest surprise, it was the man himself. Jaemin had called you. You waited for it to ring four more times before picking up. “What do you want?” You broke the silence, fiddling with the raggedy duvet sat on your bed.

“I wanted to tell you—I’m sorry. I apologized to Jeno too, I just-I don’t know. I’m sorry. That’s all I wanted to say.”

Within a matter of hours, your whole impression of who Jaemin was, how he acted towards you, changed. He was never open like that. It was like he was a new person. Like he’d become normal.

“Ok.” Was all you had to say. “Can I come over?” He questioned. For once, he sounded genuinely sorry, although you hadn’t had many instances of him apologizing to compare it to.

And you, genuinely didn’t know how to respond. Yes, no, I don’t know, maybe, sure, yeah, whatever, never talk to me again, so many possible answers to his question ran through your head.

When quite awhile passed and you hadn’t heard any hello’s or are you there’s from the other end, you checked your phone to see if he was still there. He wasn’t.

But he didn’t hang up. Your phone had only died. No big deal. The big deal was that you hadn’t brought your phone charger home from when you left school. By now, the school would have been closed, and you needed your phone for other things than calling Jaemin back.

You got out of bed, putting your slippers on and walking outside to where you headed towards the corner store.

The process of buying a charger was surprisingly long and it had been about ten minutes (you were counting) since your phone died.

Jaemin probably took it as you never wanted to talk to him again. Or you didn’t wanna be his friend. Now wasn’t the time for overthinking, you thought, heading quickly back to your apartment once you made the purchase.

You unlocked the door and took the slippers off. You were already tired when you had left and by now your feet had been killing you.

“Y/N?” You screamed at your name being called out, dropping both your phone and the charger you’d bought.

“Why are you in here?..Why are you in my house?” You said, raising your voice.

Sometimes Jaemin felt that it was so easy to piss you off. Sometimes he’d do it on purpose, get you riled up and stop before things escalated.

He did think that because you were close friends it was okay to do.

He did think you were okay with it.

That’s what made him a bad friend.

“I was worried.” He stood up from the chair he sat in, walking around and fidgeting with random objects he found, such as your sketchbook.

“But now I see,�� he gestured to the phone and the charger sat next to each other on the ground. “Your phone died.”

Jaemin pursed his lips, setting the sketchbook down.

“Why are you acting like this? Like a different person. It’s weird, Jaemin.”

“I thought about stuff. I’m a bad friend,”

You thought you heard him say that he could be a better boyfriend, to which you responded with “what?”.

He sat back down, repeating his words, “I’m a bad friend?…”

“Sorry—sorry, I thought you said something else. Sorry.” You stuttered.

“Are you okay?” He glanced at your weak figure. “I’m tired, Jaemin. Now is not the best time to talk, if you couldn’t tell.”

You rubbed your eyes and took a deep breath.

“Well,” He walked towards you.

“If I can’t apologize,”

“At least let me carry you to your bed.” He picked you up bridal style, and to his surprise, you didn’t complain. He assumed you were too tired, and he was right. By the time you’d reached your bed, you were asleep in his arms.

The next morning, you’d woken up before him. He was sat on the chair adjacent to your bed.

“Jaemin?” You called. He had woken up after a few blinks and had been sitting across from you on the bed.

“…Should we talk now?”

You fidgeted with your finger, picking on the skin around your nail.

Jaemin grabbed the hand and stopped you. “You shouldn’t do that. It’s something people like to call a bad habit,” He said sarcastically.

You didn’t pull your hand out of his grasp. “I know what a bad habit is.”

He smiled. “What did you want to talk about first?” The boy hesitated before continuing. “The fight. The kiss.”

Looking back down, you mumbled, “Both.”

Jaemin pursed his lips again, shifting uneasily. “I don’t know…when you kissed me, I didn’t want you to stop. It’s just, I thought something would change. I thought we would change.”

“I mean, you know what happened with my ex. You know how things ended. I’m not saying you’re like him, but you kissed me. That was the first time anyone ever kissed me since we broke up.” Your head was still stuck staring at your lap. “Do you even get what I mean? Do I sound stupid?” You looked up at him.

“No. You don’t sound stupid.” His hand still hadn’t moved from yours. “I get it. I get what you mean.”

“What I don’t understand,”

“Is what you want me to say.”

“If you want me to apologize for kissing you, then by all means, go ahead and tell me.”

You shook your head. No words were to be spoken in the moment.

The both of you stared into each other’s eyes. And you kissed him.

He pulled away, taking his shirt off. Stopping, he unbuttoned your cardigan, and it was until he was sure you weren't wearing a bra that he continued to kiss you.

As he grinded against your body, you could feel his dick hard. He needed a release. Instead of waiting for him to make the first move, you unbuttoned his jeans then pulled down both your shorts and your underwear. It wasn't hard for Jaemin's hard-on to quickly find your entrance. He pulled away, "Are you sure you want this?" He'd ask. "Yes. Please." You moaned as if you were out of breath. That was his final straw.

He pushed himself into you, your slick arousal making it easy to do so. He hid your guttural moans with a kiss.

You moaned into his mouth, rocking your hips against his, walls wrapping tightly around his cock making him pull you closer. His head was buried into your shoulder as he thrusted in and out, in and out. Jaemin clung onto your waist. Your fingernails dug into his arm, leaving crescent marks as you pulled his head off your shoulder to kiss him.

Jaemin hid his pleased groans in your mouth as you clenched around him weakly. You felt your climax building by the second. "Jaemin—“ You stuttered, "I'm gonna cum." You added between moans. "Me too," He panted, muffling his moans into your shoulder as he, too, approached his climax. He brought his thumb to your clit, rubbing it quickly and driving you closer to your high. You rocked your hips quicker, moaning into the sex-filled air.

His thumb continued to rub your clit until it was too much. Your mouth hung open in pure, utter bliss, nails digging into the flesh of his neck. You were silent for a minute, still riding off your high, gasping for air.

“I love you.” You muttered. He hadn’t heard you.

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1tsjusty0u · 1 month

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god after this im so tempted to make a totk fic where link is in like. a Termina Hell. because it Looks like his hyrule but its not- things thatre supposed to be there (the icy texture is gone around the hebra divine beast hole, the divine beasts and shrines and the shrine of resurrection ((that would mess him up So bad)) animals and fruits like durians and rhinos) arent and things that werent there (mabe lake(?), the bottomless pond which was the bottomless swamp but geographical features changed which ive noted in an unposted theory of sorts, ocotorock lake, lily pads???, caves that have clearly been part of the world before but are never in botw and if they were opened up by ganon then why are there ruins in there like how did they close up) are there. his house isnt his house anymore. npcs arent who they used to be At All??? its like the sheikah never existed?? and nobody mentions it (not even Robbie which, he made tech for you!!!! wheres cherry???????) and like. sure mipha is mentioned and she has a court (though her statue has been replaced in central zoras domain and like. look how the zoras viewed her after death is complicated and matyring her while also literally forgetting who she actually was but instead focusing on her image and what she represented wasnt the greatest thing. theres probably a better representation of her than that statue. but them replacing it??? and moving it so far away???????????? like. i was so mad before because i thought they just got rid of mipha entirely. like if the statue was replaced with something Other than link and sidon or just. something related to mipha!!! then it wouldnt have been that bad. ok sorry. but anyways and shes mentioned in sidons holdup (not wanting others to die, which is fair), but otherwise thats it. truthfully it isnt that bad (its still Bad dont get me wrong. but at least shes mentioned </3) however paired with the other champions treatment (little to no mention) and also there being no evidence of the shekiah tech and the divine beasts (except for a reference to vah medoh), its just. its almost like they werent important when they Were. i know moving on is like. important. however that doesnt just mean you forget someone entirely. both in like repeating history terms but also in grieving and how instead of grief growing smaller the world grows bigger in that one diagram. theres still offerings to the dead and such across cultures its. ofuejdjndndndnd biting the bars of my cage. sorry anyways!!

its just. it would be so jarring. termina clearly isnt hyrule and link knows it. id argue it actually helps link to a certain degree, maybe helping others helps him help himself + skull kid and tatl and tael and him understanding each other snd that jazz. but if this (totk) was termina it would only ruin link as a person/his mental state. from the above and also just. no one mentioning anything. not zelda knowing ganon and ganon not mentioning being like. half sealed. its like a divine prank on him (hey tp). how long would it take him to realize that this Isnt his hyrule- that that zelda isnt the one he knows, nor the champions and him seemingly (besides sidon) being the only to remember them, or that the people he met back in his hyrule arent the same ones here, or that even the divine beasts, things he probably didnt like before, he now misses because theyre just gone. funhouse mirror world. how does he get out, or is he just going insane? maybe if he could just find them- find the beasts, the shrines (theres depths holes where some used to be- they have to be out there. they have to be. please), find whatever evidence left by the champions, the sheikah, just maybe they can remember! or maybe hes trapped here, eternally tortured because of something he doesnt even know about. maybe he did this to himself. please let him out

#totk critical #i would have to come up with how he got there + if his zelda is actually there too #and also how hed get out and also a happy ending. im not letting him have a sad one here #but yeah. later date thing #oh my god this is sort of long. oops

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jazz-kitty · 1 year

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CONGRATS ON BEATING THE GAME! Any particular stand-out thoughts you want to share??

OH MY GOD DO I....... first of all fern sevilla. oh my god. i love everything he had going on.well. big shocker from residential fern fan #3 but. GOOD FUCKING LORD.

i really liked seeing him and florinia. for a lot of gay little personal reasons but like. i dunno. it's nice to see him slowly try repairing his relationship with florinia. and trying to be a good person despite it all. and just. getting better i think.

he played the cards life had dealt him and played them fucking SOOOO POORLY LIKE SO BAD. but its never like. the end. his life doesn't stop and he doesn't have to go sacrifice himself and die. well. forever. to go prove that he's improved but like. he keeps on trying!!!! he keeps on going!!!!!! this shit is hard and he's embarrassed and frankly it SUCKS but he keeps on going. he apologizes to florinia he apologizes to the player and he shows that hes sorry!!!

i just think. that fern is very cool. and he deserves good things. because things get bad and in return you'll get worse but the grass still gets greener so long as you make the effort to grow it. i think that was like 8 metaphors strung together and im not sure how effectively that worked but you get my sentiment at the very least!!!

i dont know. i just love fern. he just wanted people to smile at him, but tried getting that through fear and intimidation. because being a normal kid was never enough for florinia, so clearly he was doing something wrong, right? so he gets worse and worse because this is the closest he's gotten to a Reaction out of florinia in years and if the universe won't give him what he deserves he'll take it.

JUST KIDDING. #EPICFAIL FERN. after the protagonist fucks his shit up again on victory road infront of everyone everything just. Happens. he deserved better than this- and maybe in a different timeline, thats what he got- but hes stuck HERE. mfw i am a chad but i have psychological problems so i am stuck here with you virgins. and he's embarrassed to all hell and florinia *still* just doesn't give a shit and then he starts arguing and yelling about how unfair lifes been to him and. no one cares. he doesn't get any sympathy because he doesn't deserve it and he's thrown into the machinery and is bleeding out and everyone is walking away

well. nearly everyone is.

florinia's still there. because in some fucked up way she still cares about her little brother. and in some even more fucked up way, fern cares too. he can't admit it and sure as hell wont for *checks watch* at least 60 more hours of gameplay. but theres a reason he wants a reaction out of her so bad.

and then he fights you again in the wasteland and loses *again* and he tries getting the mew and fails *that* too and his face is fucked up and everything is fucked up. and, in fact, continues to get fucked up! he stays in the corner of the nightclub because no one wants to talk to him and he doesnt wanna talk to anyone and. and. shafjsagasfhdsjkg. and despite it all. despite no one caring and despite it sucking so bad for him to do. he still tries to improve himself. he admits maybe the protagonist wasn't so bad.

and then the mewtwo quest. he takes the bullet for the protagonist and gets turned to stone. he didn't have to. it was only those two. it'd be one annoying as fuck competitor down anyways

and LORD HIS FUCKING UMBRAL AND THE MOMENTS LEADING UP TO IT SORRY NO TRYIN TO BE NORMAL RIGHT NOW IM GONNA EXPLODE. IM GONNA FUCKING EXPLODE. IM GOING TO EXPLODE. HE CARES SO FUCKING MUCH. fern message I DONT EVEN CARE *throws up and cries from caring so hard*. HE FOUGHT TWO KIDS FIVE YEARS OLDER THAN HIM JUST CAUSE THEY FUCKED UP FLORINIA'S BIRTHDAY. DUDE COME ON. BUT HE THOUGHT THAT. FLORINIA DIDNT CARE. ABOUT HIM OR ANYTHING HE'D DO.

and in his umbral state where all bets are off its time to give fucking EXPOSITION. deepest desires that he'd never say out loud. what are they you might ask person who's definitely already played reborn and know sthe answer? its seeing his sister safe T_T HE WAS SCARED. HE WAS SCARED AND JUST WANTED IT TO HURT LESS TO THINK THAT FLORINIA DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIM. GOD. GOD. GODDDDDD. but in his own fucked up way he loves her and always has and hjkdsg

and then he breaks out of it and florinia expects him to just go back to normal- that it was all made up and strings that lin had pulled to get a laugh out of it, or something. but NO he genuinely just wants to. hgdjkshgs. hajnxzm. hfhjkhdgsjgkg. because. things can get better. they really really can. and. oughhhhhhhhh.

and by the end its like. they've lost a lot of time together and on their lives being the kinds of people that'd keep them save but never keep them happy. but its never too late. and. things can get better. and even if its slow and awkward and the first thing they do is immediately argue over what they're gonna tell everyone else about what happened because lord knows the protagonist wont but florinias version is BORINGGGGGGGGG as HELLLLL but at the same time ferns includes 3 more explosions than were probably there they both think. that maybe its not too late. not too late to have a little brother. not too late to have an older sister

#pokemon reborn #pokemon reborn spoilers #sorry for typing so much dude T_T #my best friend who i normally talk about this stuff to HAS NOT FINISHED REBORN. SO I AM LEFT ALONE. AND ILL DIE OUT HERE #FERN SEVILLA #MY SPECIALIST SHINING STAR #jazzask

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boobchuy · 2 years

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OK so. post amphibia anne right. it's been interesting and super fun to read people's takes on her since, like what others have mentioned, there seems to be so little of what we see about her in the show compared to sasha and marcy. and with her last bit of monologue about change, it's almost ironic how little we get to SEE that change in time skip anne.

before I go any further- this post is in no way gonna be me theorizing or rationally trying to make sense of what we were given BTW! it's just an amalgamation of brainrot the show and others have given and me trying to get those thoughts and feelings about the finale and timeskip's inbetween in order through written form. so enjoy the ride, I guess HAHA.

so. the hardest thing. Amphibia finale. the finale Matt has stated in the past was gonna be super controversial. AND BOY WAS HE RIGHT LMAO. whatever the case, if you felt strongly for this finale whether through tears, sadness or anger. that goes to show they did their job, lol

I've come to agree with all sides to an extent. I enjoy the finale for what it is, and I wouldn't ask it to be changed since its what Matt wanted to share. but the gripes people had about it are completely valid as well, I think.

particularly the bit about Anne not fighting to stay in connection with the plantars. the goodbye scenes kill me inside so hard, not because I hated that they were getting separated, but by how well they were done. I think that softened the blow for me, ironically. I think it would have been an even softer blow if the foreshadowing about them getting separated wasn't just sprig's moments of uncertainties in all in.

anne died for Amphibia to live. she was willing to do this sacrifice for everyone. it's a little sad to rationalize that by meeting the guardian, by seeing what she's seen throughout her young life, that she should just accept what has happened, or will happen.

the choice they made in the end, if you think there was one at all, was not the easy way out no matter way you look at it. its a hard to decision to leave amphibia, but the finale made it seem like the girls would have chosen living on earth over it any other day. they made connections, they accepted those connections whether those bonds were or werent as strong as they ought to be. and it just felt, like they didnt get frustrated by having to choose.

and back to anne. who accepted that she may never see these people again by agreeing to sacrifice her life for them. she gets another chance, and yet.

what goes through the mind of a little girl who was brought back to life and was told that she has to say goodbye to people she considers family forever? what is she saying to herself to justify this crushing realization that she may never see them again? that she won't see sprig and Polly grow up? that hop pop won't be able to show her his home cooked meals anymore? that Wartwood would soon no longer be anything but a memory only two other people on earth will be able to understand?

dying felt like there was no other choice. this is should be a good ending, they all get to live life fully and happy but. they have to say goodbye. and anne accepts this without much fanfare.

and it reminds me of how much a juxtaposition this is compared to her going off the shits crazy when Andrias dropped sprig from the castle in true colors. 'give him back.' is a cry of anger and remorse, its irrational, it's a tantrum. she wants him back, give him back.

AND DONT GET ME WRONG. THESE TWO SCENARIOS ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, WHEREIN LIKE. THERES ANOTHER PARTY THREATENING THEM. but, in connection, I think its completely valid to think that Anne seemed to be the type of person who would have been more against the idea of never seeing them again, and by default, would have fought harder to find a way to be able to meet with the plantars, rather than just accept it and say their goodbyes. (I feel like this part is more so that the crew could fit everything into a 22 minute episode, since there's only so much you can do in this medium and not to mention the other *cough* things they have to consider.)

BUT WHATEVER!! WHATS HAPPENED HAPPENED. I said this was gonna be about post Amphibia Anne so here I go. only took me like 13 paragraphs to get here but WHATEVVEERRR THIS IS MY HOUSE LAY ON UR BED.

I think it's important for people to know that the reason this brainrot even happened was because of this dumb joke I have in my twitter drafts. give me a thumbs up if u get it. ignore the image it's hard to crop. (ok but legitimately if any of u get the joke please tell me bc my ass is on the edge of my seat trying to figure out if ANYONE GOT IT. EXPLANATION ON THE TIP OF MY TONGUE)

but basically, I think Anne post Amphibia would have been. gosh. I don't even know. it's hard to be in her position bc even if I do relate to her predicament very largely, it's not like I'm never seeing those people in my life again. it's also why Anne hits me so hard. just. getting used to being around people constantly, she's an only child who became an eldest sister. how do you deal with that being gone?

you will miss these people, you will miss them so badly that it feels like the hole in your chest will swallow you alive. but that doesn't stop the sun rising. doesn't stop the clock ticking, doesn't stop anyone from living, not even you

but. it's easier with time, at least

that gaping ache in your heart may never go really away, but they would want you to live and be happy even without them. as you probably feel the same in their case too. and youre reminded that the time you spent with them was real. and it mattered. you just never realized that you were making memories with them. you were just having fun.

and maybe that's enough of a reason for Anne to power through the moments where she misses them most. to remember that there are more memories to be made, with or without them, she’s grateful to have spent time with them at all. even if it does feel unfair, to not be in each other’s lives.

one last ramble about Anne and her career, haha. when I first watched the finale, I think this was the single most prominent gripe I had about it! Anne's road to herpetology. (as some of u might have known)

It felt like she's sticking herself to the past, that she can't move on. but going by the hcs of many and my own, of how she would have avoided everything that reminded her of Amphibia bc it hurt too much. I think it would be super fucking funny if there was a point where it just pissed her the fuck off. like. 'THATS IT. FINE. IF YOU DONT WANNA LEAVE ME. THEN ILL COME TO YOU.' and that's the story of how she came to having a breakdown when her vision for the amphibians sector at the aquarium was finished

I think Anne would have accepted and moved on by then. that she's doing this more so to look back on them fondly and a way to honor them through sharing the joy of their earth counterparts with other people.

and I wish. I really really wish and hope that she's genuinely happy with her job, and is content with it this way

I also think if by this point she was told theres a way for her to get back to Amphibia she would absolutely totally explode 100% but this is already ungodly long so that thought can be unpacked another time.ty for reading this far. if u did that ur insane <3

note: edited all this to be tumblr friendly and erase the mistakes or like... revised them. is that something you can do? i also added a bit more of my thoughts bc getting comprehensible on a rambly twitter thread is far more impossible with its character limit. again. thank u for reading :)

#.txt #ok im done

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creativebrainrot · 6 months

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I lived.

ive been through so much shit in this house and finally, i can trust and know, that theres an end. That in the very first week of November my new life can begin. the one i thought id always have from the time i was young. when i was a kid i thought id grow up to become educated, go to college, move out around 22-25 and have a Normal Life. i never did. instead i got to wonder why all the media i saw told me that fathers would do anything for their kids- especially "their little girls" which at the time, i was. i had to wonder why after any little convo with my father i wanted to cry in the shower- why so many times i DID cry in the shower afterwards. I didnt question all the times I cried myself to sleep. all the times i had to fight off thoughts of self hate and "i wish i was dead" "id be better off dead, no one would miss me," I was a child. I didnt think anything was wrong until i did question why id never heard anyone else talk about that, about wanting to cry after every conversation you had with your father. I knew i never felt like he loved me, like he wanted me. I knew he felt like an estranged neighbor that i lived with for some reason, instead of feeling like my father. I never trusted him. i never felt at home in this house. I never had friends in real life. the one kid my age i did meet, moved away a few months later. the other kids were not my age, and troubled, and connected to my abusive father's friends. so i was isolated and homeschooled.

my dad would take me to the park routinely incase i did ever get the chance to make friends there but it never happened.

homeschooling was also my dads idea and i do think it was the better choice for me personally because of where we live (i would've likely been bullied to no end and that plus the at home abuse wouldve broken me i think.) but it did enable my father to isolate me further. he isolated my dad too. the social anxiety just last year i felt about saying ANYTHING, the way i was trained to hyperanalyze EVERYTHING that i said, the FEAR and ANXIETY i felt whenever i thought of a way my words could be twisted into something malicious, the ways my words could be twisted into something i wasnt saying. my dad and i both felt like that for YEARS. we've always lived in the middle of fucking no where. i cant walk to a mall. i cant walk to the grocery store. we have no public transport. its so christian out here that early on my dad (who is perceived as a middle aged housewife here) wouldve been told to stay with my father or somewhat ostracized for divorcing him- even without being involved in any church congregation here. the social pressure, the physical isolation, the mental abuse that ruined our selfconfidence, the second guessing ourselves, all of it.

If I told you of one single incident you would think a single prick of a needle's point had driven me mad.

Because to describe the sheer amount of needle pinpricks before that is hard to describe, difficult to convey the gravity of every little pinprick over the two decades i had to live with my father and his abuse.

he got worse right before he left, in my dad's eyes, but- and this may be stupid of me, i didnt feel like that. he was always pathetic, to me. He was stupid and impulsive but he was dangerous and he is the only person that ever made me feel Bleak. Truly, genuinely, sincerely bleak. for the first few months of 2019, i felt nothing. i was numb. resigned. i believed there was no good ending, that this house and that abuse was all i would ever know. there was no use fighting or feeling. it would change nothing.

to some extent i still havent truly realized deep down that im, free. im free now. im an adult now. no one will ever make me powerless again. i wont fall for any of this abuse in the future. i have friends now. i once believed i was truly unlovable and that no one would bat an eye if i disappeared. that i was not worth noting. i still struggle with thoughts of being "replaceable." but now, i know people who care. i have independence now. once im out of this shithole state my dad and i can seek trans health care- fuck, we can HAVE HEALTHCARE at all.

I don't miss my father. I hate that i still love him, somehow. he was the only one who ever made me want to kill myself. he was always the sole reason for the mountains of distress i felt. Im glad he never got to know I was queer.

what kept me going for so long was my childhood cat and music, and my dad. I lost my childhood cat BK this year, and it still hurts. But in my heart shes still here, somehow. I want to find a kitten with her sweet little eyes, when we're settled into the new living situation. BTS's music in particular always made me feel better, I still listen to them.

this house was a fixer-upper in the first place. it became a money sink over the years of neglect. my father promised to fix so many things but instead he trashed the place. i have never slept in a bedroom I loved. i have never had a real dresser. i havent had a furnished dining room since i was 7 or so. i havent been able to stay lucid in this house because its just so trashed already that apathy is a must or else i get more depressed. i try, i really do try to clean when i can. but this house is beyond repair for myself and my dad at this point. even if we wanted to fix it we cant. we have no money for all the tlc it needs at this point. moving is the only option.

I miss caring. I miss caring about my surroundings. Caring about myself. Caring about my dad. I miss feeling each day. We were doing so well before the car broke down.

deep in my heart I wish i could ask my father "why" but I know that no answer would satisfy me. Nothing can explain "why," that I haven't already known by now, yet my heart yearns with that question anyway. "Why?"

and now we're only a week away from knowing the life we had always wanted and dreamed of. we tasted that life just a few months ago, for a year or two and it was lovely. It can only get better from here. I spent ages hanging on to a THREAD of hope. for my dad. I never wanted him to be the one to find the aftermath, i couldnt do that to him. and deep down i wanted, so desperately, for it to get better. Im so glad I hung on long enough to be rewarded. it was hard. I had to fight to see tomorrow, to not give up, to not abandon hope. It was so fucking hard, and I dont regret a second of it.

The list of my and my dad's abuse at the hands of my father when he was living with us, and still alive, is long. But the list of our progress, our hopes and our plans, our dreams, our triumphs, is so much longer.

I lived. I lived to see a new dawn and finally know the life child me always thought we would end up having. We're free, and im so happy, finally.

#open journal #open journalling #rotthoughts #creativelyrottedmind #personal #parental abuse #abuse #suicide mention #tw suicide

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papirouge · 8 months

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im the jpop anon. thank you for the long and thoughtful reply! :)

yeah, theres something really wrong with kpoppers. i actually remember what perfume video the "fat legs" comments were from - it was their first budokan concert back in 2008, i think they were wearing the pink outfits (or perhaps the yellow ones from drream fighter). i think what those kpoppers might meant were kashiyukas thighs, since she wore very short shorts in the pink outfits, and while her legs are thin her thighs are plumper. but like, thats literally what makes her known as "the hot one" among fans. like shes very renowed for having very nice legs, and in general its normal for women to have bigger tighs and wider hips. i guess one could just shrug it off as kpop fans being salty and petty, but many kpop girl members have crazy thin legs. like if you look up snsd aka girls generation, youll realize that many of their promotional images have them with really skinny legs. one of the very few kpop songs that i like is "gee" by this girl group, and i decided to look at the comments of the dance ver and some poeple were defending one of the girls because koreans fans were being mean to her for being "fat". i think she was called jessica or something like that, and i look her up to know which one of them was and like, if they didnt mention anything i wouldnt even have realized but her "problem" was basically that she had this "square-y" body type and that made her look like 0,5 millimeters bigger that the rest.

another thing that happened to me very recently was that i was looking for a notebook to buy and there were selling some with kpop groups in the cover, and i stumbled upon one that had this boy band named stray kids, and god dammit... these guys have such heavy plastic surgery like wtf... some of them look like literal wax figures its scary. i remember when kpop fans were saying it was racist how some people made fun of boy bands by saying they all looked the same, and sure, definitely some of them probably were, but you cant deny that some of these guys (and girls) dont end up looking the same when they get their faces botched up all to follow the same very narrow korean beauty standards.

and yeah, i can see the difference between kanon and akari, but i also think it was because kanon was much bigger than akari. like she even made fun of herselkf many times when she introduced herself. i always remember when michishige sayumi was asked which animal fit their teammates the best, and she said kanon was a hippo or an elephant 💀 i always got the impression that kanon making fun of herself like referencing she had a full meal before a performance so she was full of energy was a defense mechanism - a lot of fat people usually make fun of themseves because they want to do it before others can make fun of them first, like "look at me, im fat and i know it and dont take it seriously, please dont make fun of me because i already do it and it doesnt hurt me at all!".

speaking of sayumi, she once was also asked which helloproject group she would least like to be stuck with on an island, and she said berryz koubou because they seemed like they liked to eat alot.. im guessing she was referring to maasa and risako.

i wanted to say more but this got so fucking long lol sorry papi... perhaps ill send another message later...

Tbh Kpop visuals are so ridiculously filtered that I'm pretty sure those girls are made prettier and skinnier than they really are. People these days are soooooo freaking guillible and believe anything they see online. These girls get ps to oblivion and still need to be photoshopped like mad.... They're not perfect. Nobody is.

The thing is japanese idols aren't expected to look perfect like Korean do. Jpop idols aren't supposed to look 'flawless'. Perfume debuted when they were like 12-13 years old ; we saw them grow before our eyes, so if they did anything shady with their appareance everyone would have noticed. These women are soon 35 and still kicking.. - I wonder how these Kpop girls will look at that age 👀

I don't even think that Kpoppers know what "sexy" is anyway. What's stricking with Kpop is that despite how much polished their aesthetic are, they emanate 0% charisma. They give off an absolutely frigid energy. Every single of their move and face expression are policed. Kpop MV would make anyone epileptic so much shit is going on because that's how bad the artist themselves can't put it up themselves.

At least, old school jpop idols still have a lil bit of personality - which is why we still remember of them 10, 20 years later. The same couldn't be said for today's one tbh (I lost interest after Morning Musume 13./Michishige graduated because all the newcomers were more dull than the others... Even Riho who was hailed as The Ace of the group didn't leave the same impact as OG members (Ai Takashi, Tsuji Nozomi, Ai Kago, Maki Goto, Reina Tanaka, etc.) AKB48 fell off after the Kami 7 all graduated (the sister groups are meh).

But to be fair, the new Reiwa era (more conservative ) isn't just prone to leave raw personalities pop out in like that... Ai Kago stunts would have made her cancelled without afterthought or second chances today...😬 The idol group era is pretty much over in Japan. Right now, 'boring edgy' like Aimyon or Yonezu Kenshi are popping.

I can't bring myself to find Kpop boys attractive. Period. They are all ugly and I have no shame to say it because they were all much better before doing plastic surgery. So no it's not racist to say they all look the same because plastic surgery made them look the same - not their race...

I DARE someone to tell me the 2 dudes on the left aren't the same. The one at the top particularly looks like an otome game character 💀 like- he straight up looks like his face was DRAWN.

And you know what freaks me out the most? It's that from one picture to another THEY DON'T LOOK LIKE THEMSELVES??!?

Like wtf is this shit???

It's supposed to be the same band but the faces.... don't match others pictures 💀

You know society colllapsed now that stray kid dudes are considered attractive....when back in the day we had natural and authentic beauty like Takeshi Kaneshiro *sigh*

downgrade of the millennium. Mishima killed himself for this.

And you know what freaks me out the most about these kpoppers? It's that they seemingly don't "exist" beside these ridiculous doctored photoshoot. Are there any candids of them out and about in the street? Without perfect lightening, angle and filters? Tbh I wouldn't be surprised they are AI or shit like that.

Perfume look the same when they do bc....they arent botched

Michishige is RUTHLESS 😭 I mean, in Morning Musume she had the persona of being a narcissist so it makes sense she put down other girls for not being as pretty as her. But yeah dunking on a girl who's like a decade younger than you is shitty. Those idol group are shoving together girls from entire different generations (Michishige was in her mid 20s when she graduated and the youngest member of the group were like 13-14 years old 🥴) so awkward girldrama situations are bound to happen.... That being said, it's a very bad idea to get into an idol group if you're feeling awkward about your physically appearance... Kanon should've never been in Momusu, imo.

I always found Berryz Kōbō was much coherent than Morning Musume ; members were closer in age and experience. I was a smaller band and the lineup was consistent so you weren't lost in the amount of new faces every other years (like Momusu regular call for new members).

I think its fitting that some of its members love eating when they have a song called 1億3千万総ダイエット王国 ("A kindgom of 130 million [people] complete diet[ing]") *the population of Japan is of 125 million but I guess the evened it out for the song that was kinda critical of diet culture. Good for them tbh And that song was bop. Berryz Kōbō truly delivered the few years before disbanding.

#answered

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rearranging-deck-chairs · 1 year

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couple of disconnected thoughts but okay so like if daemons settle as a part of puberty then it is more of a process than a Moment probably even if it might look like a Moment from the outside it’s not really it’s part of like a continuum of growing, and different for everyone

also because it’s a representation of You most of the time it probably feels Right what it ends up settling as. children talk about i want this or that cool animal but i expect most people feel at least in part that when their daemon settles that it settles as the right thing. even if it’s something that doesnt look good maybe like a snake or those magisterium guards with the dogs. you’d think like seeing those daemons settle you might be like ‘damn thats me? i hate that’ but most people probably wouldnt be like that because they are like that. if that makes sense

but by no means everyone. and it’s by no means a yes/no kinda thing. it’s not you love your daemon or you hate it, relationships to self arent that simple. but i do think there are people who watch it settle and just do not feel right with that. people who are going through a trauma and feel like maybe the way theyve been for years isnt who “they really are”. they might feel like no you cant settle like this im not like this ive been warped by this outside thing. you cant settle like this, im only response to circumstances rn. you cant settle like this this is not my real self

there are also undoubtedly lots of people who try to postpone the settling. who try to stretch it. who maybe see their daemon settle and sorta know this is sorta for real like sorta feel this is sorta permanent and they pressure them just do whatever they have to until that daemon shifts again. not sustainable obviously but it’s easy to imagine

ruth wilson also says in interviews that the way she plays mrs coulter or like the headcanons she has for her theres some kinda trauma in her past. sure thats just headcanon but i share it so im just kinda gonna go with that for now

it’s not hard to imagine that mrs coulters daemon settled as something she maybe didnt entirely feel like was fair. or her. like she’d been operating just like in response to circumstances for a long time, like just playing defence basically, and now her daemon might have settled as this thing that maybe it wouldnt have if this Something hadnt happened to her (“you think you couldve been something else, someone else”)

that would make you resentful of it from the beginning. and also it might feel like a sort of,,, destiny. embodiment of how youve been irrevocably changed by something out of your control and now you have to live with it. this reminder of how you mightve turned out different

and at the same time try not to let it determine who you are. like mrs coulter definitely didnt do that but if you dont want to end up like her then what you have to do is not give in to like the worst possible reading you might be inclined to give to the form your daemon has taken. no animal is inherently anything but humans do give those kinda meanings to them. you might be tempted to look at your daemon that formed at a time in a way you didnt want it to and interpret its form in the least generous way. and apply it to yourself. “well now that im already bad and ruined aNYWAY” kinda thing. why not give in to your worst impulses. youve been made wrong youve got visible evidence. even if the daemon hasnt changed in response to whatever youve experienced. you’d never know for sure. you could still make that assumption

#no conclusions just vaguely connected thoughts #daemons

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actualsunflower · 1 year

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complaining about changes and the immense stress they bring and also stupid societal standards

Long story short is I wanna cut my hair. My whole life I've been back and forth, very very long hair, then super short hair, back to really long, straight bald at one point... 3ish years I cut my hair when I started T (it had nothing to do with being a Real Boy or whatever I just wanted to) but now it's very long again. I really love my hair, I always have and it's always been the only thing I liked about myself. I also very heavily imparted this on Jay lol I've always cut and colored it myself too cause I dont trust anyone else

I look good with short hair, and I look good with long hair. But long hair is so hard and expensive to keep up with and it's hot and it's a pain to manage. It looks really good though because my hair is very fluffy, curly and thick. I also seriously freeeaakkkkkkkk when my hair touches my face or my neck wrong so it's pretty much always up in a bun or clipped up which is a downside or short hair cause I can't get it out of the way the same way. Can't have cute hair styles. But having cute hairstyles is also kinda a problem. Cause the people I live with are transphobic and they taught the toddler in the house to ask me very inappropriate questions and make stupid ass comments about 'girl hair' all the fucking time like so often I literally just go hungry, run out the front door as fast as possible, or don't go to the bathroom until they leave so no one can say/ask me anything. It's annoying as hell. But it has nothing to do with me wanting to cut my hair, idc about the stupid society standards of my hair equaling my gender. But I don't want THEM to see it as that. I don't want the stupid smug satisfaction. Because I KNOW they'll get the kid to start saying shit. My rm would probably deny that but I know they will, I'm not stupid if they didnt do shit like that the questions and comments wouldntve started in the first place. I want short hair cause it's easier and cheaper to take care of, because it's cute and I look good, plus the summer is coming up and my hair is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot every single year But then. Theres the change. Oh my fucking GOD the CHANGE. I get so stressed and angry if my day even goes a tiny bit off schedule. THE TOLL??? OF LOOKING DIFFERENT?! Like I have schizophrenia and I very very frequently have hallucinations where I already don't look like myself imagine shaking that off and I REALLY DO LOOK DIFFERENT?! But like I said I've cut, dyed, shaved my hair a shit load of times through out my life! And every time it's been ok in the end. I get over it, it's no big deal in the end and grows back pretty fast, but taking that leap is very, very scary. And idk what to do. cause at this point it's all I think about, just cutting my hair and wanting to and I keep going into the bathroom with my scissors before I shower and brushing out my hair and looking at it but ultimately deciding not to. What am I supposed to do??? Schedule with my therapist and be like hey....... should I cut my hair? No I dont wanna talk about my stress or the austism or whatever I wanna talk about my hair lmao

Life would be so incredible if I could just go back and forth whenever without like, wigs cause then everyone would know of course cause irl you cant cut your hair long and back again. But god that would be incredible

#sunflower posts

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xxacidbathprincessofdarknessxx · 1 year

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struggling with emotional permanence is literally hell. like when i come home from having a really fun hang out with someone, it feels like i leave all those good emotions behind, and once im alone i feel so empty. i want to have fun with them again but im too eager and beat myself up when i dont feel whole enough even though im with people i love. sometimes i forget about the gaping void in my chest and actually manage to have a good time, but then thats when i arrive home and find myself alone again, and all the feelings come back. and i realize although i had fun, it didnt feel like me. i didnt feel like i was showing my true self, i felt like i was just hiding my despair, trying to forget about it just to have a laugh or two with people i think arent so bad.

also bc of adhd this makes me struggle sexually, like i have a tendency to only act sexually and flirtatiously around someone if ive been with them or im interested in them/theyre interested in me, and like ill think of them as The Person I Go To For Sex and i have a hard time not being that way around them because well frankly it gives me a lot of stimulation, and when im with friends i want to have as much fun as we can really. i guess i hold myself to high expectations because i want to have a fun time so i try to make it fun by i guess doing a thing with them that i find very stimulating. my friends and partners have always been an escape from school and family problems for me so i guess thats another reason why i wanna go wild with them every time we hang out.

idk. im at a weird point in my life, people are taking genuine interest in me and im over here, cant seem to feel anything good for them and i feel horrible about it. i wanna have a healthy relationship but the last person i opened up to made me feel like i grew codependent on them and im still healing from that. i still feel too needy and greedy and childish and selfish and like theres something terribly wrong with me, but like im still making myself hang out and meet people as much as i can because i have two choices, give up or keep trying, and at least trying keeps me on my feet and going to new places and it gets me to tomorrow, and with the new day comes new thoughts and new scenarios, and you cant control that inevitably, things will change. i may feel this way now, i may feel worse tomorrow, but life always grows from death. success comes from defeat. i will keep trying.

despite everything, its still me.

#vent post #emotional impermanence #mentally exhausted #codependency

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seldomscilence16 · 1 year

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Whumptober day 28: It's Just the Tip of the Iceberg

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Prompts;

Anger born of worry

Punching the wall

Headache

I cant not Kami angst so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it just fits. This could be a few relationships or friendships, so read it as you like :3

UA's highschool class 1-A became close almost immedietly. Maybe it was the insane entrance exam, maybe the crazy teacher, the life or death situations, or even just that they were those kinds of people. But whatever the reason, they considered their classmates their friends- if not family- and took it very seriously when things like now happened. But after the things they'd been through, it was understandable that theyd be cautious.

Check-ins were a must have, a requirement by the teachers and a sense of comfort for friends. Missing a check-in was a mistake only one student had made, and no one wanted a repeat of that situation. And with the circumstances leading up to this missed check-in, it only had the anxiety growing.

Kaminari had gone home for the weekend on short notice to their sensei. Denki wasnt one to make the trip often, he seemed fine staying in the dorms, and no one really questioned it- the trips were short on weekends and often more hastle than they were worth. He'd even done the first two check-ins, though the one worded messages had been a little out of character. Aizawa and the others had let the first missed check-in go for the fact there had been a major storm that night, figuring he'd send a message once he recovered. The storm lasted until early morning- not that anyone was following it every minute to ensure it didnt get worse, no sir.

But even after the storm ended and the hours following, no word came. No memes, no emojis or emoticons, no one worded text, no paragraph about a book, nothing. Aizawa calls Sunday morning, but it goes straight to voicemail. Not too weird, it was a bad storm, he waits an hour and calls Denki's parents. He hadn't been a fan of them the first time he'd met them, and this phone call didnt improve his view in the slightest.

"Hello, Kaminari-san, this is your sons teacher Aizawa. I wanted to check in, make sure he'd be alright making the trip back to the dorms." Aizawa learned early, to try not to phrase anything in a way that could seem like blame.

"What?" Theres some muffled noises and voices he cant make out, "hes probably fine," he trails off, muttering that Aizawa can barely make out, "...brat…causin trouble…"

He can sense he wont get more from him, though he wants to throw him in an interegation room, or worse.

"Right. Tell him to contact me when hes headed this way. Thank you for your-" the dial tone reaches his ear, and he purses his lips in irritation. He really didnt like them.

"He still hasn't responded to any of memes! Hasnt even looked at them!" Mina cries, staring at her phone like its personally wronged her.

"At least yours went through! Mine wont deliver." Sero mutters, clicking resend for the umpteenth time.

"Not just yours, mine too. Anything past midnights a bust." Kirishima says with a worried pout, eyebrows scruched, "what about yours Bakubro?"

"Morons probably fine. He blows up phone often enough, you guys just fuckin worry to damn much." Bakugos glaring at his own screen, where his first text is unread and second wont send, but he wont let them know that.

"But Hatsume and the support department made that protective thingy for his phone." Mina points out, "and he never misses an opprotune moment to use the 'not dead b*tch' meme."

"This whole trip home was weird if you ask me." Sero mumbles

The others look to him with raised brows and he shrinks into himself,

"I mean really, he never talks about home. Then some random weekend he decides to go? And now hes not answering… it just seems suspicious to me."

"Well if he doesnt respond in the next 5 minutes, I'm hunting him down." Mina threatens, glaring at her phone once more.

"You guys wont be going anywhere. I want all other students accounted for until this situation is resolved." Aizawa interupts, sweeping into the room with Present Mic and Midnight on his heels.

"Wait, is something wrong? Is Kami okay!?" Kiri stands, fully facing the teachers with worry filled eyes.

"We're taking this seriously one way or the other. Until Kaminari is back, no ones leaving." Midnight says firmly, a seriousness about her they rarely see.

"We've got this handled, just keep an eye on your phones." Mic assures, though his mind seems elsewhere.

Their worry has climbed at least three levels now, typing furiously at their phones in the hopes their blond friend will reply.

Monday morning comes.

Nobody had gotten any sleep, and no messages had gone through. The teachers were yet to return, their classes cancelled today, and strict instructions to stay in the dorms.

Denki hadn't been with his parents, though his bag was, the Kaminaris taken into custody for several charges. Including but not limited to Child endangerment. Like kicking their weather quirked child into the night during a storm.

Aizawa was kicking himself, he'd be taking a second look into his students home lives, things like this would not escape his notice again. Yamada is silent beside him, probably thinking simular things.

"We'll find him." Aizawa says firmly.

"I know. Im not stopping until I do."

Mina is staring out the window, school work laid out in front of her but going ignored. Shes hoping to see a head of blond hair, walking up with a cheesy smile and an apology. But each hour passed, just sends her in to another spiral of terrible thoughts. What was the last thing she said to him? What did they last do together?

She startles, turning with wide eyes to see a hole in the wall, plaster dust still falling in a cloud. Kirishima and Bakugo are both standing in front of the wall, and Mina cant tell which one did the punching. From the dusty knuckles, shes surprised to say they both did, which explains the size of the hole. Sero- who sits across from Mina- sighs,

"Anyone have a frame we can put there?"

"How are you so calm?" Kiri whispers, shoulders shaking as his fists clench at his sides.

Seros eyes narrow,

"Dont think for one second Im calm Kirishima. Hes my friend too, but at least I know punching walls wont help him."

"Well at least it looks like I care! He could be dead and we're stuck here!" Kiri yells, flipping around to glare at Sero.

Sero stands, ready to fire back, when Ojiro steps in,

"You should be ashamed of yourselves. What would Denki think of you two going at it like this? Especially about him. We're all worried, we're all mad we're cooped up. And I'm sure we all want to go bust down his parents doors. But fighting and punching things isnt going to help."

"If Kaminari were here, he'd know how to make everyone laugh." Deku comments sadly, notebook abandoned in his lap.

Sero plops back down in his seat, huffing as he rubs at his face.

"I should have asked more questions. He was acting strange, and I knew there was gonna be a storm. Im such an idiot."

"Dont blame yourself Sero, he wouldnt want that, and its not your fault. He had us all fooled…" Mina reaches over to hold his hand across the table, squeezing it in comfort.

"Im sorry… I just feel useless here." Kirishima apologizes, slumping into the spare seat by Sero. Bakugo eventually takes the one by Mina, silent and glaring, arms crossed tightly over his chest.

"The teachers will find him… and we'll make sure stuff like this doesnt happen. Ever again." Ojiro glares darkly out the window, as if daring the universe to hurt their Pikachu friend again.

Denki throws an arm over his eyes, to block out the light. He has a heinous headache that hes trying to get over, because he knows its a stupid thing to complain about. His parents had told him as a child that headaches werent a big deal, that he needed to grow up. But gods did storms really make his head ache. Given it could have been the fall too… or the atmospheric pressure… or the lightning… or overcharging… or over discharging… or he was just stupid.

Despite all the rain, Denki was parched, and maybe hungry… and also in a bit pain, but hes mostly numb after a storm and kinda really cold so… He tries to wiggle his toes and winces, tries pushing on the tree again and winces, tries to just lay there and breath and winces, tries to cloud gaze and- you guessed it, winces.

Some hero he was. Couldnt even make it through a couple nights alone. He supposes he should be a little proud of himself for not blowing up a neighborhood or something. But mostly he was angry.

His parents would be in trouble, considering he'd definetly seen the sun rise at least twice. And his friends were probably so mad at him. And his teachers were gonna kill him for missing check in. And for failing at everything. And for generally being a nuisance they had to deal with. Gods knowing his luck, a villian is gonna show up any minute and kill him or something and he'll leave everyone with a whole bunch of guilt… or maybe a good laugh… or a ghost story… whatever, it was probably for the best. Hed never be a hero anyway.

His brain pulsates another wave of agony as he turns his head to get it off a small rock and he groans in response- which in turn has him wincing at the noise. He kind of hated life right now. He wonders how other people deal with headaches, because he'd gotten used to powering through most of his, but that didnt stop him from vomiting at times during the day. Or completely zoning out to ingnore everything.

He squeezes his eyes closed tightly against another wave, feels the prickly sensation of tears without the actual wetness of them. Whatever happens, he just wants it to be done and over with. Hes so tired.

Aizawa might have to hurt someone. And since it wont be his student, he'll settle for his parents, or a thug, or even a damn tree. It should not be this hard to track down a teenager!!

"The storm caused a lot of damage, sorry Eraserhead, but the kids probably-"

"Finish that sentence and I'll-"

"Sorry, thank you. We'll keep looking ourselves." Mic pulls him away, his own eyes flashing, "we cant do anything if we're benched or worse. Lets just find the most burned area and go from there okay?"

"Fine. Call the others."

"Kaminari!!"

"Kiid!! Shout if you can hear us!!"

"KAMINARIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

The heroes step carefully over storm debri and burnt forest. Between branches and full on trees, this place is a mess of burn stuff. Its well into the afternoon at this point, they wont have much daylight left, but none of them plan on stopping either. Looking at the damage scares them, but they have hope, their kids were resilient. Though with the wet and cool mornings, and hot and humid days, kid may not be in good shape, especially after a storm, and almost two days of being out here.

"DENKI!"

Aizawa holds up a hand, and everyone stops silent, barely breathing as they strain their ears.

"..elp…m..ere!"

"DENKI!" Mic calls again, taking slow steps forward

"..m..ere!!"

They all take off in the same direction, where the damage is worse and the scorch marks are darker. They see a tree, fallen on its side, roots torn and bark burnt, but what draws their eyes are the shoes poking out from beneath it.

"Kid!?" The adults are around the tree in an instant, finding Kaminari pale and bruised and covered in lichtenburg figures.

Hes peaking out from behind his arm, squinting with pain etched on his features.

"You foun' me… sorry 'bout dis…" his voice is hoarse, and words weak and slurred.

"Its okay kid, we got you now."

"Denki!!!"

"Hey everyone, i'm back!"

#whumptober2022 #no.28 #anger born of worry #punching a wall #headache #my hero academia #fic #angst #implied child abuse #storms #injured #mentions of death #Kaminari angst #kaminari thinks he has a headache #but really he suffers migrains #and probably a concussion #everyone worried about the bean #yes even Bakugo

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