#this is probably the last of my tma art for a little while

[pebblecola]

old helen sketch. if you even care.

#the magnus archives #tma fanart #helen richardson #tma helen #helen distortion #this is probably the last of my tma art for a little while

[ollieofthebeholder]

to find promise of peace (and the solace of rest): a TMA fanfic

Read from the beginning || AO3 || My Website

Chapter 93: August 2004

Gerry is not, by nature, an early riser. He’s something of a night owl, actually, prone to staying up until the wee small hours with paintbrush and stereo and then collapsing for the better part of the morning. He’s the sort of man who would have worked the swing shift at the factory during the war or taken third watch on a sailing vessel, keener-sighted with nothing to light his way but a quarter moon and the occasional amber glow of a street lamp than with full sun in a cloudless sky, and should he tend towards one of the Fears would be well on his way to being the monster under the bed or the shadow in the alley.

But he can get up early when it’s important, so he steps out into the grey light of pre-dawn, locks the shop door behind himself, and sets off across London.

He doesn’t bother going to the house. It’s going to be chaos this morning, with Aunt Lily probably trying to delay things as much as possible and Martin actually considering staying and Melanie bullying him out the door while simultaneously forgetting half a dozen things, and Uncle Roger in the midst of it all being helpful in the most cheerfully unhelpful way imaginable. He can picture it all in his mind’s eye. No, best he stay away. He knows where they’ll be, so he stops long enough to pick up another pack of Woodbines and smokes one as he makes his way to the King’s Cross St. Pancras Underground stop.

Over the years, Gerry has traveled out of every station in London, most of them a dozen times, and St. Pancras has always been his favorite. There’s no real reason for it, especially since they don’t usually spend a lot of time waiting in the stations—his mother, and by extension Gerry and his siblings, have the timetables memorized and their timing down to almost an art, so they never have to wait more than eight minutes unless there’s a delay. He supposes it’s the memories. King’s Cross, just across the road, is good too, but he prefers St. Pancras if he has a choice. He usually doesn’t.

It’s raining, and it’s also early, which means limited traffic. Gerry leans against the wall just outside the Tube entrance, smokes his cigarette, and waits. There’s a café just over there he could probably wait in if he really wanted to, but he’s afraid of missing them if he does.

Suddenly he sees a familiar car pull up to the curb, exactly where he thought it would. Smiling, he flicks the remains of his cigarette into a puddle and moves towards it as the doors open and the occupants—or three of them, at any rate, he doesn’t know if the fourth is there—climb out.

“Carry your bags, miss?” he asks in his best Cockney accent.

“Gerry!” Melanie drops the suitcase she was starting to haul out back into the boot and hugs him tightly. Since he’s gone on a growth spurt since the last time he saw her, she misjudges slightly, but it’s no less welcome. “Are you just getting back in from—where was it this time?”

“Salzberg, by way of most of the former Austrian Empire. And no, I’ve been back since Tuesday.” Gerry hugs her back. “Been a bit busy, but I wasn’t going to miss this. Hey, Martin.”

“Hey.” Martin smiles brightly and comes over to hug him. He’s hit another growth spurt, too, and for the first time Gerry finds he has to look up at his little brother.

That never stops being a novelty, does it? A voice, tinged with melancholy, murmurs in the back of his mind, and Gerry agrees before it occurs to him that he doesn’t know where that thought, or for that matter the voice, came from.

“I can smell the cigarette smoke,” Martin whispers in his ear, bringing his attention back to the present. “Those things’ll kill you, you know.”

“I know, but you can’t blame me for needing stress relief today,” Gerry whispers back, giving Martin an extra squeeze before letting him go.

Uncle Roger gives him a fond smile and claps him on the shoulder. “It’s good to see you again, Harold.”

“Gerard,” Gerry corrects him automatically. “It’s good to see you, too, Uncle Roger.”

For just a second, there’s a flicker of something in Uncle Roger’s eyes, but it’s there and gone in a flash. “All right, all right. We’ve left it enough time for you to grab something if you hurry. Have you got your tickets?”

“Right here, Dad.” Martin pats his jacket pocket.

“Mine’s here.” Melanie holds up her bag, the one Gerry bought her in Cairo five years ago. It makes him absurdly happy that she’s still using it.

There’s a few moments of confusion as Gerry and Uncle Roger get Melanie and Martin’s luggage out of the boot and Melanie and Martin reassure him several times that they have both money and tickets, and then there’s another round of hugs in the rain. Then Uncle Roger turns to Gerry.

“Where are you going to school?” he asks, sounding slightly confused. “Which train will you be taking?”

“I’m staying right here in London, Uncle Roger.” Gerry carefully doesn’t look at Melanie. “Mum needs me at the shop. But I’ll make sure they get off safe.”

“Oh. Good. Thank you.” That thing flits through Uncle Roger’s eyes again, and this time, it lingers long enough that Gerry is able to identify it—mingled fear and dismay. He knows he’s forgetting things, and it’s upsetting him. “I need to get home to my bride. Make sure you phone when you get safely to school, all right?”

“We will. Love you, Dad.” Melanie hugs her father tightly one more time. “Tell Mum we’ll call.”

“Of course.” Uncle Roger kisses her forehead, then turns to Martin and hugs him as well. “Let us know when your first performance is and we’ll come see you.”

“I will, Dad. Love you.” Martin smiles wanly as he hugs him.

They wave as Uncle Roger pulls away. Then Gerry hefts Melanie’s trunk, which is much heavier than the time she took it to Poland, and turns towards the café. “Come on, let’s get out of this rain and have a bite.”

It’s a forgettable little place, the kind that changes names and hands like a small child changes shirts, but it’s also a place that knows its customers. The food they serve is hot, quick, neat, and above all cheap. Gerry buys breakfast for all three of them and takes it over to the table in the corner.

“How much time do you have?” he asks.

Martin checks his watch. “My train leaves in an hour.”

“Hour fifteen for me,” Melanie says. “Could’ve left later, honestly, but I wasn’t going to ask Dad to come out here twice and…”

“No, I get it,” Gerry assures her. “That’s good, though, it’ll give us a bit of time.” He pauses, then adds, not bothering to hide his smirk, “You’re leaving out of St. Pancreas, right?”

Melanie punches him in the arm, not gently. “Shut up. I can’t believe you let me call it that. At least Martin thought I was talking about a different station.”

“I thought it was cute. So, St. Pancras?”

“Yeah.” Melanie sighs. “Maybe I’ll get lucky and Gordon will be my engine.”

“I don’t think you’re going quite that far,” Martin says. “And he pulled the Express, remember? So if you’re not stopping at the exchange, it won’t be him.”

Gerry laughs. “Speaking of…well, not exactly, but I’ve got something for you.”

Melanie blinks. “For me?”

“For both of you. Hold on.” Gerry reaches under his coat for his bag.

He left Austria ahead of his mother, much to her annoyance, because it’s important that he be here for this. Melanie and Martin are both going away to school for the first time, and Gerry wants to be there to send them off. Especially since, for the first time since they were eight years old, they won’t be attending the same school, or even in the same city. Martin is heading up to Edinburgh, where one of the best music programs in the UK outside of London offered him a place, while Melanie heads to Folkestone and the school her mother attended.

He knows they’re both excited. He’s known that since they started telling him about applying. But he also knows they’re a little nervous, and a little melancholy, and he’s hoping to alleviate that a bit.

There are two packages of roughly the same size and shape, but Gerry was smart enough to put different colored bows on them before he labeled them. He presents Melanie hers first, just because it’s on top. “Go on, open it. Something to help you out when you get there.”

Melanie removes the bow and sticks it on the band holding her hair in place, then rips through the paper and lays the gift bare. She stares at it for a moment, then looks up at Gerry, eyes wide and shining. “For me? Really?”

“So you don’t forget the way,” Gerry tells her.

She touches it lightly, then draws back hastily. “It’s not under glass!”

“It’s canvas. It doesn’t need glass. Go on, you can touch it, the paint’s long dry.”

Melanie carefully traces a line, her face creased in concentration. “What’s that dot for?”

Gerry leans over Melanie’s shoulder as Martin does the same on the other side. “The green one there is Martin’s school, more or less. The blue dot is yours. And the copper one on the close-up map of London is me, obviously, not that you’ll forget where I am. But, you know, if I was going to mark important places on it, I reckoned where we were living was important.”

Melanie laughs quietly as she scans the drawing. It’s not exactly a faithful or detailed map; Gerry didn’t put most of the real cities in the United Kingdom on it. It has all the places they’ve gone for Martin’s birthday or hunting books for his mum, the cities where Martin and Melanie will be, and—most crucially—all the fictional places in England that they’ve been able to work out the locations of: Pepperinge Eye, the Island of Sodor, the Gump…it’s not exactly a map of fairyland, more just an alternate England, or several alternate Englands. Places they wish they could really escape to and be free of the Fourteen.

“I love it.” Melanie lays it on the table and gives Gerry a hug. “Thank you. I’ll treasure it forever.”

Gerry hands Martin his. “And this one’s for you. It’s not the same thing, but I think you’ll need this more.”

Martin is much more methodical about opening his gift, carefully working the tape loose and removing the paper carefully. After a moment, he, too, has exposed a framed picture. He gasps and his eyes fill with tears, but he smiles when he looks up. “Gerry, this is so good. It makes you really want to reach out and take their hands.”

“That was the idea, yeah.”

Melanie looks over Martin’s shoulder. “Do you really think I look like that?” she asks, sounding awed.

Gerry smiles at her. “You do.”

It’s not exactly life-size, but it’ll do well enough, he figures. One of Martin’s deepest, darkest fears is of forgetting faces; he still can’t really remember his grandfather’s, and even if they’re only going to be apart for a few months—this time around, anyway—he’s terrified of forgetting Gerry and Melanie. No matter how much they promise him they know he’ll still love them even if he can’t recall their faces, it still worries him. Add that to the forgetfulness that’s afflicted him since he was Marked by the Spiral, and the only thing Gerry could think of to give him was a picture of them. And he hopes that if Martin knows that Gerry painted it for him, rather than just framing a photograph, he’ll have less trouble believing he’s loved.

Does he really doubt that? The voice in the back of his mind sounds shocked. Doubt you? How can he believe you don’t love him?

Gerry mentally shrugs and tells the voice, His self-esteem isn’t great. It’s not that he doesn’t think I love him, it’s that he doesn’t think he deserves it.

It doesn’t feel like talking to himself, but he can’t quite put his finger on who he is talking to.

“I wish I could do something like this for you,” Martin says softly. “So you don’t forget I love you, too.”

Gerry wonders, for a fleeting second, if Martin is reading his mind, but that’s not the hold the Ceaseless Watcher has on him right now and it would be a cruel thing to do to—well, to anyone, let alone a sixteen-year-old, and especially not to Martin. The last thing Martin needs is to be able to read his mother’s mind and know exactly what she thinks of him.

“Martin,” he says, “I’ve known that for eight years. I’m not likely to forget it any time soon. Cross my heart.”

“I love you, too,” Melanie tells him. She reaches for their hands and squeezes tightly. “Both of you. And, Martin, you write me and let me know when your winter concert is and I’ll try to come too. If nothing else, I’ll see you at the Christmas holidays, right?”

“Of course,” Martin promises. He reaches for Gerry’s hand to close the circle. “Will you come, too?”

“I’ll try,” Gerry assures him. “And like Melanie said, I’ll at least see you over the holidays. I’ll look in on Uncle Roger and Aunt Lily for you, too.”

Melanie frowns. “I wish you could get out of London, too. I know you never went to school like—well, not traditionally, anyway—but maybe you could get into university or something?”

Gerry hesitates, then drops his voice, even though he knows no one is there to overhear. “I’m not going to stay in London. Once you two get through your first term, once we’re sure you’re going to get out, I’m leaving. I’ll come back to visit you two, and then once you go to university, I’ll figure out somewhere to live close to you. Then once you graduate, we can get a house together somewhere Mum and Aunt Lily can’t get at us and start a new life.”

Martin looks hopeful. “Do you really think we can?”

“Of course,” Gerry says stoutly.

“I like that idea.” Melanie grins. “Okay, you’ve got a deal. Once we’re sure escape is possible, we run away together.”

Gerry squeezes their hands and lets go, glancing at the clock on the café’s wall quickly to check how much time they have left. “Oh, it’s possible, all right. It’s more than possible. The three of us together? There’s nothing we can’t do.” He grins. “Including escape our mums once and for all.”

#ollie writes fanfic #tma fanfic #the magnus archives #to find promise of peace (and the solace of rest) #gerard keay #martin blackwood #melanie king #smoking #memory loss #melancholy #slight separation anxiety #cruel irony on the part of the author

[whumpy-wyrms]

are u in any fandoms? what are ur interests besides whump? u don’t have to answer i’m just curious!!

someone’s asking me about my interests i can’t NOT answer

this got a bit long tho so i’m putting it under the read more for people who don’t care/are only here for the whump

OKOK. so i’m kinda in the starkid/nerdy prudes must die fandom rn but i know for a fact if i finished adventure time and started watching fiona and cake, that would quite literally become my entire personality for the next 3 months because simon and prismo (and marceline and princess bubblegum and all my other favorite characters) make me insane. but i haven’t done that because well. i’ve gotta write tllr yknow..

anyway, my absolute most favorite pieces of media of all time are undertale and deltarune guys. i cant put in words how much those games mean to me holy shit. as i’m writing this i’m sitting next to my jevil and sans and spamton plushie and they are saying hi. anywayyy yeah i was in the deltarune fandom for a bit it was fun. spamton is silly fucked up creature. jevil is my all time favorite tho

AND THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES… my favorite thing ever fr. y’all. LISTEN TO TMA SERIOUSLY YOU’LL PROBABLY LIKE IT!! it’s a horror podcast and it’s seriously the best fuckinf thing ever it’s so amazing seriously. it’s a bit hard to get into at first because season 1 is less story driven BUT HOLY SHIT. AHHHH ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. jon is one of my favorite blorbos ever and so is michael because he’s a silly distortion guy. just trust me and listen to TMA it will actually change your life.

also i love the amazing world of gumball so fucking much. i wasn’t allowed to watch cartoon network as a kid (idk why??) so i first watched tawog last year and holy shit holy shit it’s my favorite thing ever. rob. ROB!!!! ROB IS MY ALL TIME FAVORITE CHARACTER. SO IS MR SMALL. AHHHH!!!! anyway i love tawog i’ve drawn a lot of fanart and even wrote a 60k word fanfiction (about what happens after The Inquisition because that ending fucked me up) that i’ve Never and will probably never show anyone because it’s probably Not that good. but it was sooo Important to me back then. tawog just means so much to me it :))) it changed me as a person. nobody’s a nobody and everybody is weird like you and me.

i also really like hollow knight! i haven’t played it in a while but i was at 111% completion on one of my playthroughs (CURSE YOU PANTHEON 4). i’m also super fucking excited for silksong obviously and i will say this now: WHEN SILKSONG FINALLY RELEASES… i will probably go on hiatus here LMAO. sorry but guys. SILKSONG…. honestly same for new deltarune chapters. the second chapters 3, 4, and 5 release it is sooo over for me. i probably won’t post much here for a few months during that. but that’s fine!! i’ll never abandon tllr but sometimes some things are more important to my silly little brain :3

gravity falls quite literally changed my life in 2018. like i can’t even explain it, but it’s how i was introduced to online fandoms and fanart in general. dipper LITERALLY made me trans (not literally but pretty much). it’s how i started watching other amazing cartoons and series i love, it’s literally what made me get into drawing art and writing and stuff. it’s what made me start making ocs. it literally made me an artist guys. which is how i started writing. without gravity falls and it’s effect it had on me, this account might have never existed?? i’m being super dramatic but wowww. i was so autistic about that silly cartoon

minecraft i love. i’ve been playing minecraft for over a decade and won’t stop because it’s like, probably a special interest of mine? i’ve watch minecraft youtubers forever too, hermitcraft and the life series are my favorite. i’m a huge grian fan too, been watching him since the evo days. anyway if u play minecraft and wanna play with me sometime, feel free to ask!!! :D i love making new friends and playing video games with people!!! let’s make a world together!!!

also i like terraria and stardew valley, and animal crossing new horizons but i haven’t played that in a few years. hmm other games i like are oneshot game, NITW, omori, celeste, cuphead, fnaf (although i’ve only played the first 5 games and am super super behind on the lore), ori, dead cells, untitled goose game (this is for u anon), and probably more i’m forgetting! feel free to recommend me some video games and we can even play together :3

other series i love are the umbrella academy. soooo autistic about this show it’s fucking AMAZING!!!!!! klaus is my favorite character. anyway i also like what we do in the shadows. it made me super autistic about vampires (before i watched this show i kinda thought vampires were cringe IDK WHY I’M SORRYY). the netflix show lucifer made me insane a few years ago and is what probably indirectly inspired me to give Dew wings. i also like our flag means death, breaking bad, moon knight, and camp here in there (another podcast i HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend, will wood made the soundtrack!)

i LOVEEE FINAL SPACE!! avocato has been my pfp on this account forever and now i feel like i can’t ever change it (i don’t want to). final space is seriously amazing!!! but it was cancelled and basically got fucked over by the networks- infinity train style. idk, stuff happened and it was removed from hbo max so there’s not really anywhere to watch it (legally) except for netflix international iirc? but it’s getting removed from that too i think. super fucking sad :( it ended on a huge cliffhanger too BUT there is a graphic novel being made!!!! super excited about that!

other cartoons i like are over the garden wall (dressed up as wirt for halloween last year), the owl house, adventure time, regular show, steven universe, infinity train, bojack horseman, rick and morty, mlp, the midnight gospel, and so much more i’m forgetting. OH anime i like are death note, demon slayer (haven’t caught up yet on the latest seasons tho), and MOB PSYCHO 100!! vampire in the garden on netflix is really amazing as well.

this is sooo long but now i gotta talk about my favorite music artists. WILL WOOD (AND THE TAPEWORMS) IS MY FAVORITEEE. I ALSO LOVEEE JHARIAH!!! AND HARLEY POE!!!!! top three of all time. i also like toby fox obviously, and glass beach (LITERALLY GOING TO SEE THEM IN MARCH AND I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!), mcr, shayfer james, weezer, mitski, lemon demon, set it off, tally hall, gerard way, and probably more i’m forgetting. i also like musicals!! (i was in the spongebob musical earlier this year for school! i was larry the lobster :))

so guys. GUYSSS. IF YOU LIKE MUSICALS, GO WATCH NERDY PRUDES MUST DIE!!!! OR JUST WATCH THE ENTIRE HATCHETFEILD TRILOGY!!! WHILE UR AT IT, WATCH ALL THE STARKID MUSICALS ACTUALLY!!! this is my current hyperfixation. the lords in black are amazing, npmd is amazing. i love everything about it. go watch it seriously, it’s fucking awesome and the soundtrack is AMAZING!!!

i think this is it. this got super long but i’m super passionate about my interests so yeah. this is pretty much everything. one very important thing (literally my special interest) that i didn’t mention are my other ocs. i have wayyy more ocs that are completely separate from the tllr ones. i don’t wanna post about them here though, cuz they’re not whump related and i want to keep my main account separate from this account. but they’re my favorite blorbos in existence so…

if u WANT to know about my other ocs, u can feel free to dm me for the username of my other fandom/oc account. that’s where i post other stuff that i don’t post here, like my fanart and my other oc stuff. i don’t post writing or anything like that there, so ur not missing out on that.

anyway those are most of my main interests! things i didn’t mention that im also really interested in are reptiles (snakes specifically), and animals in general. i have two leopard geckos named Lars and Alphys and i reallyyyy want a pet snake but my family hates snakes :(( anyway i’m rambling

thanks for the ask!!

#ask

[sol-draws-sometimes]

20-24 inclusive and 44

Oooo hello Anon, you're a nosy-nelly, but that's fine cause I love to talk! Tho strap in cause this is gonna be a long one! Questions can be found here!

20: What I hate most about myself

Oof starting off on a downer. I'd say it's my passiveness. Which some may say is weird cause a lot of people would describe me as passionate and on the outside I do appear very organized. But I just have so many things I want to do, that I just don't. Like, I want to learn to sew, compose music, archery, read books, play video games, watch certain shows or movies, etc, but I just... don't. Yah part of it is that there's so much I want to do it's hard to pick one. And yeah I have ADHD, aka the "I can't do shit disorder," where executive dysfunction is my worse symptom. But even if I didn't have ADHD, I still feel like I'd be like this. Also, it's not just hobbies. I had flying ants in my room, and I told my parents about it, but then I stopped pushing them about it and I just sucked it up for serval months. Or I end up going to Community College because I put off applications until the last second, and I am currently really behind on transferring applications for my BA. Or I'm not as informed politically as I'd like to be because it's stressful to me, but then I'm not acting according to my beliefs which is also stressful. That's not to say I have no initiative. I taught myself cursive and how to touch type in middle school. I started posting my art on the internet, all of my art has been self-taught. I took my mental health into my own hands and hyper-fixated on mental health for years so that I could be in a better place. It's not good to be dwelling on the parts you hate about yourself, but I do genuinely believe it's trait about myself that I want to work on.

21: What I love most about myself

Okay, something more positive! Uh, people tend to say I'm a very bright person, or that I make their day and I'm glad I make people feel comfortable around me!

22: What I want to be when I get older

Okay here's the problem, I want to do everything yet I don't know exactly what I want to be(I'm literally only 19), but I do know the average person has multiple jobs/careers in their lifetime(rn google is saying 12), so here are a couple I know I want to do!

Teacher: I've always wanted to be a teacher since I was a kid, and while many people assume I want to be a music teacher, I'd honestly love to do any subject. Preferably STEM or History, tho being a music teacher would genuinely be fun I'd love to conduct a choir. I think rn I'm more interested in learning about the world than learning about pedagogy, but definitely a job I plan to have at some point in the future

Museum worker: My twin asked me if I'd ever considered working at a museum last year, and I'd never had but honestly it sounds like a perfect job for me! I love history and science, I could still teach people, and I love going to museums. Also, the behind-the-scenes research or archiving sounds very up my alley!

Archivist: Kinda related to the previous one since you can be an archivist at a museum, but idk it sounds like the type of work that my brain would vibe with. Organizing and researching stuff. Also, it's pretty cool to be able to work with primary sources of stuff, like that's so cool! And I get to preserve information so that down the line people aren't crying about how little information there is about [insert topic]. (also haha yah, yah I like tma, hardy har, shhhh, that isn't even one of the reasons, just a coincidence)

Scientist: Pretty vague term cause idk in what field but I know I've always liked science! For a frame of reference, I would probably doing some stem major if I wasn't a musician. I had finished my science course my second year of high school, I didn't have any science classes for two years. Then at the end of senior year, I listened to Stella Firma and there in b/w sections where they had a scientist fact check the show was so interesting and made me remember I liked science and it's actually super cool! I'm hoping that next year once I transfer, I'll be able to take steps to at the very least minor in Physics and start doing some STEM stuff. Tho tbh I'm just choosing physics cause I'm good at math and astrophysics/cosmology sounds very cool to me. But finding @a-dinosaur-a-day on Tumblr made me remember my dino phase in middle school! I'm less interested in learning about individual dinosaurs and more on the big-picture evolutionary side of things, but the schools I want to transfer to don't have geology majors and I prefer physics over bio. Also, paleontology is a neat combination of history and science! Tbh, I'm still figuring out what I want to do science-wise, but I know it's something that I'd find interesting as a job!

Choir/Band/Singer/Theater: I'm a singer but I don't want it to be my main job, job, since I'm never wanted to be a super famous, but I do like singing and I'm good at it, so I could always make money on the side. Also I've also preferred singing in choir than solo rep, so if I joined a travling choir or band with an emphasis on harmony(like abba for ex), I think that would be really fun as a job for a while. As far as solo singing, I prefer musical theater so I can see myself doing that for a bit(even if it is ensemble since I like that kind of thing), and who knows, I am intrested in writing some solo music, but I haven't really done that

Composer: I want to learn how to compose music but I haven't. Oddly enough, I am more interested in composing instrumental stuff than songwriter music, tho I do want to do that. Or compose musicals, especially one in Spanish, that would be so cool. Tho I'd probably have to work with a lyricist. Even if it's not my main job, I'd love to do it on the side

Sound Design: Now this one you can blame on tma. I listened to the Q&As where they talk about Sound Design, it's absolutely fascinating to me, plus, if I learn how to compose, both could work pretty good together!

Art: Idk if I want to be an artist for a job, but once I'm good enough at drawing, I'd love to do commissions, or if I learn how to animate, working on an indie animation project would be such a cool thing! Or do a comic! I'd love to do a comic, doesn't even have to be my story! Years down the line, after graduating, I want to go back to school and get some degree in art! Doesn't need to be from an expensive school, probably will be from some local college near me at the time. Not that you need one to be a professional, but I find I learn best in a school setting and it's something I'd love to do to improve my art!

Can't believe Rusty Quill has inspired two possible job careers I-

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)

Oldest to youngest! My older brother didn't grow up with me but we visted his house alot! Tbh, I'm closer to my niece than I am him. He's got some beliefs/politics I don't agree with and he can be intense sometimes, but generally I have a good relationship with him. I don't talk to him much tho. And he's homophobic, so yah, don't plan to be too close to him anyway. Next should be my other brother but he died when I was 4, and he was in Cuba so I have no memories of him, so neutral I guess. Things were pretty rocky with my older sister growing up but we're pretty good now! She's like the one "adult figure"(I'm an adult but you know what I mean) in my life that I feel the most comfortable around. Then my twin is the person I'm the closest to. Yah we bicker and stuff, and we do things that the other doesn't like, but overall I'm the most comfortable around her. I also feel like she's the person who understands me the most, I genuinely don't know how I would've been in middle school if my twin didn't exist. Idk if anyone remembers the scene in the season 3 final of Bright Sessions, but you know when Mark goes to Adam's room and they sit and silence and Mark is like"I know we both know what we're feeling but we should still talk about what happened" I feel like that's kinda my twin and I. Anyways, I love my sisters very much!

24: My relationship with my parent(s)

Kinda rocky and I don't want to get into it too much but they're immigrant parents™. However, for literal boomers, they're actually pretty good. I'd say they're good parents but there's alot about them that frustrates me. Also living with them makes problems exacerbated. They're trying their best to understand me, but they don't and I don't feel comfortable talking to them about my problems with them. I'm also not out to them, so there's always a part of me they're not really seeing. But when it matters they're there. And they've been pretty supportive of me being in the arts. My dad was also pretty present in my life, which sucks that I have to specify, but I do.

44: A random fact about anything

There are two versions of the Latino dub of Sleeping Beauty and people fight about I think. I grew up with the 2001 ver but people prefer the original 1959 dubbing. My preliminary stance on this without having seen the full 1959 dub and only some clips is that the Queen's acting is better in 1959, but the songs are bettered dubbed in the 2001 version(suck it up nostalgia is winning)

Okay, that was a lot! BUT, there are more questions so ask away!

#sol talks #my post #it me! #sol asks

[fungalscourge]

thoughts

ep 200 of tma is so fucking anticlimactic

trying to be quiet at night is crazy bc all of a sudden regular ass activities will induce ear shattering decibels why is pens deafening me rn

god i love smoking but i hate smoking im so congested all the tymeeeee 😵‍💫 but the world is evil so we stay partying ifg .

i really dont fw new year’s resolution but i do believe in the distinction between years and the power that holds and boy i am excited to leave 2023 behind this messy miserable year kicked my ass and i just want peace 2024 i believe in you and i want to be better. i want to cook more and make art every day and move and stretch and dance and walk and run and swim and sing and figure out how to sing alongside my dropping voice although it hurts i continue to find myself i continue to find truth and love and confidence in places i didnt expect and as much as they hurt and haunt me and have left very real long term scars i have learned so many lessons from so many people this year and i know it comes from a privileged and naive place to expect things to magically get better but i have hope for change and for the dedication towards it to drive me, at whatever pace that ends up being. i can only control what i can and its not worth worrying about things i dont have volition over. i want to grow plants (of many kinds 🥰🤫) and i want to NOT fucking become an alcoholic once the shackles of youth have lifted at long last. there is no turning back now ! ! i am curious to see how my journey unfolds and i hope to see my behaviors align more with that of someone who actually wants to stay alive and do the most that they can with the little time theyve been given

man adhd is crazy i keep oversleeping and not taking my meds but when im medicated im so normal so thats also a big goal is taking meds more consistently omg that reminds me…

i got a new beautiful big sketchbook and im all scared to use it which is why im rambling and i opened the sketchbook bc i paused TMA bc imhalfway through the final episode and dont want it to be over i hate the empty feeling after finishing a media ive been intaking for a while

does the feeling that youre forgetting something ever go away? its been lingering ever since high school . my nose is running . i know to anybody else this is probably boring but im actually the most interesting person in the world. thats not true. but im interesting enough. more than plenty of the creatures out there, i guess. oh my back hurts. liquid veins liquid lungs liquid lies gooodnight

[butchtoads]

PINNED POAST - TEMP VERSION WHILE I CRAFT AN INTRO IMG

BYF: adults only on this account please! Dont follow if youre a minor. Thank you!

ART SIDE BLOG: @the-feeling-of-being-watched

humor, memes, and general things that make me smile that don't fit here: @ieatglass69

Angels side blog: @many-eyed-angels

References, useful info: @my-ref-corner

More info below on how this account is organized.

• please only follow if you're an adult.

• Message me if you need something tagged. I currently tag #FNAF ruin spoilers and #suggestive cw

• I like posts to keep put them in my liked posts for sorting, when I reblog your post I'll probably unlike it so I can keep sorting without having to soft through posts I've already reblogged first. This also means I eventually unlike personal posts for the same reason since those aren't for reblogging! Nothing personal, just my sorting system that works with my silly little fussy brain.

• I also put most posts into my queue. I have decided to permanently keep it set at 15 posts a day so this means it might take a while for it to get posted as I have approx 200 posts queued as of writing this. I'm trying to catch up on a backlog of 10,000 liked posts from when I was going through a particularly bad depressive episode that lasted the last few years (still depressed, just better managed). I no longer tag queued posts.

Tagging systems:

All series are tagged as their titles for the most part, and I try to use FULL character names to avoid having different characters with the same name in one tag. Sometimes it can't be helped as I don't want to have tags as character name series title. I just don't like how it looks. I try to tag animals and insects specifically as well in descending order in increasing specificity from animal/insect to type of beast, to subtype, to the specific name of the beast.

Favorite posts go to #fav

Top favorites go to #fav fav fav

Eyes go to #look at the sky. It's looking back

Robots,computers, technology go to #metal skeletons electric veins

Technological horror: #the maze is sharp on my mind

Stories are tagged as #tell me a story.

For bad brain times: #in case of emergency

Misc: #meat #clowns #wizards #stim stuff #items #happy tag #inspiration

I tag self insert and au content as such so it can be filtered. One part of me prefers canon but there's also a part of me that can't bear to part from this type of content so I will let the soft animal of my body do as it wishes.

I also tend to tag things that feel appropriate for each Magnus archives fear as them (except for the Eye as my fixation on eye imagery is far older than my interest in TMA, though in it's honor I named my eye tag after a TMA quote as you might see), as well as tagging things for my OCs. I won't share those tags since I don't talk about them and I don't think anyone would be interested.

My personal posts tag is #grays matters.

#temporary intro post #pinned post

[hee-blee-art]

scare the man. traumatize him even

#art #jonathan sims #the magnus archives #tma #the archivist #jon sims #tma jon #sketches #digital art #illustration #rusty quill #was originally just trying to do one Scared Jon and then. yknow. here we are #this will probably be my last tma post for a little while; I'm still hesitant to post much content before finishing the series and #idk when that will happen. so. y'know #tma spoilers #the magnus archives spoilers #(just in case)

[shelobussy]

ASH’S TMA HURT/COMFORT/FLUFF REC LIST 

For the gays. (And @damcrows who’s been dead for the past 24 hours. Rest in peace babe. Read some gay fic. Deny the inevitability of canon. <3)

___

the end, but the start (of all things that are left to do)  by @ajkal2

Jon wakes up.

aka. mag200 tore out my heart

(Very smol, very short, very spoiler. Def recommend for anyone who just finished the podcast.)

remind me how to smile by @tamerofdarkstars

Jon is probably fine, just hiding out somewhere while the whole murder thing blows over and that's... fine. Martin is fine with that explanation. Really. He's got plenty to distract himself - like listening through the entire What the Ghost episode library, for example. Or watching Georgie Barker's Instagram livestreams.

(Yea this was in the last rec list, but you don’t understand THE ADMIRAL GIVES CUDDLES)

Chamomile by Dribbledscribbles

Whatever the ex-tea was, if it really had ever been that last bag of chamomile Martin claimed he’d found tucked in the back of the cupboard, it was fast now.

Martin had tried catching it, chasing it, blocking its way with shoebox lids and plates and an upended footstool, but the thing was just too quick. Jon knew as well as Knew that he might have left off the attempts completely if not for the creature’s preferred game.

The game was, See How Many Times I Can Push Martin Towards Cardiac Arrest Before He Comes at Me with The Broom.

(Scottish Honeymoon Era. Adorable and weird. A vampire gets harassed.)

hey stranger by @ennuijpg

It’s a late night Tesco run, how eventful could it be? It’s not like Martin is going to run into his boss who’s wearing something absurdly different from usual and get the most acute form of whiplash possible from seeing him, right?

(Martin runs into Jon at the grocery store and has an existential crisis.)

roses roses, roses. by @judesstfrancis

Rose scented laundry detergent. Running into Jon in the breakroom. Running into Jon on his way back to his desk. Rose scented detergent. Running into Jon. Roses. Jon. Roses, roses, roses. 

(Canon enemies to friends to lovers au-ish. Martin POV. Very pining much sweet.)

go softly by doomcountry

And there is nothing else besides this. 

(More hurt/comfort than fluff. Scottish Honeymoon Era. Mild eye mutilation.)

Not Alone by @backofthebookshelf

After the coffin, Daisy and Jon are both fragile. They hold each other up. 

(Post-buried Jon&Daisy starter pack. Very hurt/comfort.)

trust my love by antlsepticeye

“you… you’re real, aren’t you?” jon whispers, the fog slowly dissipating from his mind. “it is not a trick?”

“i’m here,” martin says softly, reaching up to grab jon’s hand that was resting on his cheek, intertwining his fingers with jon’s and squeezing. he moves jon’s hand to martin’s chest, resting it over his heart. “you’re alright. i’m alright. take your time, love. let’s just take some deep breaths, okay?”

(TOUCHSTARVED JON HAS ENTERED THE CHAT.)

reaching out by Athina_Blaine

By the time things settled, when Martin had finally managed to crack through his cold shell, feel some of his old self returning to him in bits and pieces, they had found their little routine.

One that had the two of them sleeping in the same bed, making breakfast, going to the mart. Where Jon reached for his wrist while they slept, and Martin luxuriated in the gentle warmth of his fingers.  

But not one where Martin reached back. One that had Martin kissing Jon awake or taking his hand over the breakfast table, because ... Martin never had the courage to try. And then it never became a part of the routine.

And Martin desperately wanted it to be.

-

Martin and Jon have an important conversation.

(More Scottish Honeymoon Era for the soul. Hurt/comfort/fluff.)

Belabor by @janekfan​

Jon's given the position of Archivist and is falling apart at the seams. Tim and Sasha are upset and playing games. Elias is overbearing and manipulative.

And poor Martin is stuck cleaning up the mess.

(THEE first fic I ever read for tma. Season 1, hurt/comfort/fluff, and hints of Jmartin. janekfan is the absolute master of seasons 1-3 hurt/comfort. This is my favorite, but pls check out the rest of their fics.)

tea, blankets, and a damnable stubborn attitude by ivelostmyspectacles

“Are you really gonna stay here and pester Jon all evening?”

“I’m not pestering him,” Martin retorted, sounding vehement if not busy going through the cupboards. “I’m heating up soup.”

“Oh, you might as well make him another cup of tea while you’re at it.”

“Oh, good idea.”

Jon shot Tim a withering look.

(The one where Jon is ill, Martin makes tea and they watch doctor who together. Fluff 1000%.)

A Kind Hand by @voiceless-terror

Jonathan Sims was adjusting just fine, thank you very much.

In which a minor workplace spill causes Jon to realize that he might have friends.

(Ah yes, the other master of seasons 1-3 fic aka voiceless-terror being my other fav author in the fandom. This one is also season 1 hurt/comfort/fluff.)

A Weather In The Flesh by @cuttoothed

"There is a span of years where Jon doesn’t touch anyone other than the occasional hand shake. It’s not so bad. He’s never been someone who’s needed physical affection."

*

Jon has never been any good at making people want to stick around.

(More touched starved Jon! Much hurt/comfort!)

Something Old, Something New by @cirrus-grey

Months have passed, and everyone is doing better than they were. Daisy and Basira are getting married, Melanie is feeling her old self, Georgie is as much herself as she has ever been, and even Jon has stabilized on his wild fall away from humanity. Everyone is doing better.

Well. Almost everyone.

(Daisy/Barsira wedding! Melanie is a bitch and we love her! Jmartin dance! Post-canon (almost) everyone lives!)

The Weight of Love by @voiceless-terror

Jon is a restless sleeper. Martin attempts to adjust. 

(The fic where Jon is literally me and Martin attempts to sleep for 1k words.)

The Art of Conversation by @voiceless-terror

"Do you ever stop talking?"

Jon has a complicated relationship with words. Difficulties come and go.

(Jon has adhd and Martin is in love.)

Novelty by @backofthebookshelf

Jon experiences A Sexual Attraction; Martin has A Concern. They figure it out.

(Any fic that explores the ace spectrum is a 10/10. We stan all ace interpretations of jon on this blog.)

Half a Hug by Dathen

I know you weren’t going to hurt me, I trust you, he said again and again. And then a different kind of fear shone through, hollow and echoing: “Please don’t stop touching me."

-

Or: Life is hard when you're touch-starved but have trauma related to your closest friend.  Spoilers through TMA 132.

(Honestly bless every author who saw jon&daisy and was like. They’re siblings. No I will not elaborate.)

the loneliness never left me (but i can put it down in the pleasure of your company) by Athina_Blaine

It was about Martin making Jon feel safe, treasured, and loved. And it had been so, so long since anyone made him feel that way.

And, in the face of it all, Jon was starting to flounder.

(At this point I just need to make separate rec list for Scottish Honeymoon Era.)

you can watch me corrode by scarletfish

"So, how long have you been pulling this shit then?"

"I… excuse me?" Jon’s indignant, certain she can’t mean what he thinks she means.

"When was the last time you ate?"

(Georgie decides Jon and Melanie need a normal day off. Jon learns that he and Melanie have more in common than he thought.)

(Look, Melanie isn’t my favorite person in tma, but she and Jon are like THE SAME PERSON and I adore fics that elaborate on their relationship.)

Out of the Wind, In From the Cold by @ostentenacity

There are two bedrooms in the safehouse, and two beds.

For a moment, Jon considers asking to share, but decides against it with a wince. “I really loved you,” Martin had told him. Loved. Past tense. And Martin doesn’t exactly have a lot of choices right now in terms of company; it would be cruel to demand he play at feelings he no longer has just to make Jon happy.

(For a moment, Martin considers asking to share. But he dismisses the idea with a shake of his head. Jon has already done so much for him. Martin isn’t about to ask for more, especially not when it’s something he doesn’t really need. He has his right mind back, and he has Jon’s friendship. That should be enough for him. It’ll have to be.)

---

Jon thinks that Martin doesn’t love him. Martin thinks that Jon doesn’t love him. They do not, of course, discuss this. Unrequited love is already awkward enough, right? No need to dwell on it.

(THEE SCOTTISH HONEYMOON ERA FIC. IT’S ABOUT THE PINING, BEING MUTUALLY OBLIVIOUS AND FALLING IN LOVE. 10000/10.) 

I Do by @voiceless-terror

“I, um- this was supposed to be a lot more romantic, I swear.” Martin looks down at the dirty bar floor. “I had it all planned out, I-I was going to take you somewhere nice, and then we’d go for a walk in the square- I’ll still do it!” He hurries to explain, as if that’s the most pressing part of this situation. “It’ll be really nice, I’ve already hired a photographer-”

In a fit of protectiveness, Martin proposes to Jon.

(Everyone lives, Martin accidentally proposes and Jon is crying in public.) 

________

#lmao follow for more fic recs #ash recs #ash's rec list #ash recs fics #tma fic list #tma fics #jmart #jmartin #jon sims #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #tma fic recs

[kriber]

ok well since im Thinking about it now lemme just make a huge ass masterpost of my tmavrai au bc im stupid lmao (also i wanna get into using this blog for more than art since this is my main)

buckle up cowboys this is gonna be lengthy

ok so to start off, it’s a kind of fusion au. some tma characters are replaced with hlvrai characters, and some just exist on their own. for example, elias is replaced with gman, but jon and gordon both coexist together

speaking of jon and gordon, they’re both eye avatars and co-archivists of the magnus archives. gman fucked up a little bit while filing shit but its fine, its fine. they’re both fit for the job.

tommy, darnold, and coomer work at the institute in various departments, along with tim, martin, and barney. tim and tommy have been best friends for years and live together as roommates, and darnold’s another one of their closest friends. coomer and martin just chill there, and barney likes to talk to gordon a lot. tommy brings sunkist over a lot, who everyone loves

since his dad is basically the head avatar of the eye, tommy asked him one time how to make a dog and gman, because that’s his little boy, told him how. now there’s an immortal entity soup dog that’s way too big to be normal. but that just means she has more love in her :)

jon and gordon kinda tolerate each other at first, being forced to record in the same area, but they tend to... tune into each other a lot. they sometimes read statements in unison, even if one of them isn’t looking at the statement. they take turns speaking in dialogue parts if need be, and they dont really notice it.

eventually prentiss attacks and gordon notices something... off about their coworker benrey. wait- wasn’t his name barney? no, he was probably remembering wrong. but something about benrey is just... weird. he cant put his finger on it, and jon has no input. 

so yea benrey is a not-them and a stranger entity, and they just kinda chill in the archives and check ppls passports at the door. its also pretty fun harrassing feetman, especially when they can just pop in and out of michael’s doors bc they’re friends with the spiral. unknowing goes well, as you can assume ;w;

after they find gertrude’s body in the tunnels, several cops get called in. basira and daisy come over, supplying jon with tapes, but daisy brings her old high school/college friend forzen, who’s in the military. and yea they’re both hunt avatars. it was simple and obvious don’t blame me. he hunts ppl down by having beyblade competitions then shooting them. standard stuff.

tommy had gotten claimed by the slaughter years back, but now its really starting to take effect. coomer, local end avatar, isn’t much help, as he doesn’t exactly view death as a problematic thing and even compliments tommy on his kills. during jon and gordon’s comas, forzen goes rogue (instead of burying himself like daisy) and tommy goes after him, trying to mercy kill any victims he has his sights set on. its a body count contest at that point

bubby takes the place of agnes montegue, but still alive and not as hostile to the main cast. obv bc coomer’s there and i love me some gay grampas. yea bubby’s kinda forsaking his desolation cult thing but he’s fine. he just goes and chills at the archives a lot to get with coomer

after the unknowing, things go to shit. martin and benrey close themselves off, both allying themselves with peter lukas, to defend the institute and its workers. tommy and darnold are heartbroken after tim’s death, and tommy, unable to deal with living alone without tim or living in his dad’s house (who’s in prison now), moves in with darnold. its angst central babeyyy

darnold, basira, alyx, georgie, and melanie start a group chat called “babysitting the avatars squad” since they’re the only humans left allied to the institute or its workers. they vent about shit their avatars do bc good lord they can do some weird shit sometimes. oh also alyx and georgie are cousins here bc i feel like its funny that both gordon’s and jon’s childhood friends are related and no one knew dfgshgfgsfghgfrsbfsxg

for the last thing im gonna cover bc im tired and i dont want to type anymore is that joshua definitely exists and oh boy it gets fun in the apocalypse. he runs around and plays around with all the domains with tommy and benrey and the other three are way too tired to deal with this. he just wants to give daddy a flower! ignore the eyeball, it’s just a normal flower! how... sweet.

#tmavrai #tma au #hlvrai au #jay.error #whooh thats a lot of text #i might add more #bc weh #tma hlvrai

[magpiemorality]

it's friday and I have an absolutely awful prompt for you. i have no idea what you know about animal crossing but i've been reading reddnook fics and not enough people touch upon the fact that redd sells cursed art in new horizons. so the prompt is virgil, janus and remus selling cursed art. maybe forgeries of famous paintings, maybe original pieces. i just need that sweet cursed art content. any ships are optional, though intruality could be funny. - LC

I know nothing about Animal Crossing but here is my interpretation of this prompt, with bonus TMA vibes! Because cursed items, right?

In some ways could be seen as a prequel to the last Magnus Archives prompt fill I did, but doesn’t have to be! And no spoilers for the series :)

AO3

***

Virgil slips into the shop through the back entrance as usual, flinging his keys onto the table and making his way up front to greet his fellow staff. Remus is twirling a canvas on his finger like a basketball while Janus does... something with the account books. There are two identical ones open, but Virgil isn’t going to ask any question. 

“Morning creepy-crawly,” Remus grins, throwing the canvas up and catching it carefully by the edges. Virgil absolutely doesn’t see something sag out of the middle when it lands upside down in his grip, a sort of sloshy red mass. Nope, doesn’t see it. 

He just smiles back tightly, glancing around the room to check the cobwebs are on their way to coming back. Janus had very foolishly dusted them all away just a few days ago, and Virgil is pleased to note the odd red marks on his face and the way he very carefully isn’t looking at Virgil. Good, that’ll teach the tricky bastard not to mess with things he doesn’t have any business messing with. 

Janus glances up and his skin glints in the fluorescent light from overhead. His eyes are as glassy as ever, and he offers his best smile after glancing at Remus to double check how its done, jaw shifting to match the wild, toothy grin Remus always wears. Virgil just huffs and turns away, walking to the glass front door to look outside. 

“Grey day, today,” he comments. Janus hums, and Remus cackles, probably more to do with the sounds of artwork being rifled through and reorganised than what Virgil had said. He’ll have to double check all of the pieces for scorch marks later, just in case. Their boss wouldn’t be very pleased to find any of the products damaged in any way. 

And he always knows. 

It really is a grey day outside, typical London sky really, but something blank about it that makes Virgil sigh in irritation. He’s not a fan of the things that play around up there, much happier with the sort of creature that lives within, or below. 

As if called he feels the little skitter of tiny feet drop onto his cheek and start to lazily wander around, exploring his face. It vanishes into his hair when he turns around to walk back to the counter- probably hiding from Janus- but he can feel it with him like a little ally for the rest of the day.

They don’t sell much; they never do. But they’re open seven days a week, all three of them generally on shift together, and sometimes they get visitors. Always visitors, never customers, and often accompanied by a phone call from their boss telling them what to put in the books, what art this particular person needs. Needs. Not wants. 

And as things go? It’s not a bad life. 

While it lasts.

-

#writepie #ts remus #ts virgil #ts janus #ts sanders sides #ts sanders sides aus #ts sanders sides fic #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides fic #tma #the magnus archives

[silenthillmutual]

2020 Creator Wrap

I was tagged by @stvlti to do the 2020 Creator Wrap: Favorite Works tag! Thank you, sm!! c:

Rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought to the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

Tagging: @lawliyeeeet​ @soupcans @kunoiichi @milk-teeths @darkpaladin and anyone else who wants to!! Though there’s no pressure to do this if you don’t want<3

So... according to my AO3, I seem to have published or updated 63 works in 2020, which is just a whole hell of a lot more than I usually do! So I’ll pick the going from oldest to newest that I’m most happy with :)

CONTENT WARNING though, under 18 please do not read below the cut as two of the fics are M and one is E. Additional content warning: two deal with self harm and one with intrusive thoughts, and one with pregnancy.

01 || Communication (T)

I think this was when I really hit my stride with understanding how I wanted to characterize Daniil, specifically, and more generally when I worked out how I wanted to write his relationship with Artemy. I tend to focus on the ways in which they communicate differently, and I think I pulled off their voices relatively well.

Favorite moment, when I managed to slip some autism into my characterization:

This is a flaw of his - a messy, embarrassing secret, this inability to distinguish jokes and sarcasm from serious discussion. He masks his insufficiency with a flat-toned seriousness. People find it harder to separate the sarcasm and the jokes from his regular speech when he makes no vocal distinction, and he enjoys the discomfort it brings in others. He considers it, to a degree, payback. A taste of their own medicine. And when he wants to make it clear where his feelings lie, he’ll be picky with the words themselves. He is, if absolutely nothing else, exceptional in the area of verbal self-expression. 

02 || sine sole sileo (M)

This is one of my older works and it is far from being my best, it’s terribly out of character and woobifying, but I’m fond of it as my first really long and more emotional work for the fandom. I had fun writing the first chapter out as a Twitter thread, and then expanding on it. It’s multi-chaptered and actually finished, which is something I have a hard time with!

Favorite moment, which I still actually kind of like, despite everything:

He knows the silence behind the doors, too. It’s a stillness that makes the tips of his fingers buzz. How many days has it been now? Three, four? Artemy though he’d changed the sheets, added new notations. Welcomed in the vocals, the strings, the what-ever-else accompanied performances like this in the Capital. His verses hadn’t been well-sung, but the band had started to play with him. He’d come to anticipate the thrumming percussion. A heart with its own rhythm. Footsteps that rose and fell. Words that lilted, that lead, that brought the symphony to a heightened frenzy.

But silence is a kind of noise too. Where the heart doesn’t beat. Where the voices don’t speak. Even when there is nothing, there is noise.

Artemy has to take a breath before he opens the door. He knows he won’t like what he sees, but he’s seeing so much more in his mind than will be there to greet him. His eyes shake and jostle him to great many things: a gun, a hook, a rope, stained bedsheets and curtains ripped from windows. He sees death even before his eyes adjust because he can smell it, and because he can hear it.

Twelve, he thinks.

03 || o tempora, o mores (M)

This fic was my baby! I wanted so badly to write a character struggling with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder the way I do, and while it’s not my best-performing fic for the fandom (I haven’t kept track of which one is, actually) it’s probably my favorite. I worked so hard on this one, trying to replicate what it’s like to struggle with OCD, and it felt so gratifying to do. I’m currently working on a follow-up to this one, and I’m very excited for it as well!

Favorite moment is really the whole thing, but I do like this in particular, because I feel it really resonated with how intrusive thoughts and compulsions work for me:

The self-talk gives him enough of a boost to get him through the doors of the hospital. It feels safer here, where there’s only the ill and the dead instead of the thousand living eyes trying to touch him. No one comes to bother him here, just him and Artemy and sometimes Clara and Rubin until a few days ago –

YOUR FAULT. HE IS SICK BECAUSE OF YOU. HE IS IN TROUBLE BECAUSE OF YOU. IF RUBIN DIES, IT IS BECAUSE OF YOU. “Stop it, stop it, stop it,” Daniil mutters. THE EYES KNOW THE VACCINE DIDN’T WORK. THEY ARE WAITING FOR YOU TO ADMIT IT, ADMIT THAT THERE IS NOT ENOUGH TO PROTECT THEM SO THEY CAN HAND YOU TO THE DOGS. THEY WANT TO RIP YOUR BODY OPEN AND DEVOUR YOU. CANNIBALS, ALL OF THEM. AND YOU CAN’T RUN FOREVER. “Stop it,” he repeats, and tries to dig a jagged nail into his wrist.

It won’t go. Too slippery from the ointment Victor applied. He has something in his bag to help, another jagged edge, a rusted pair of scissors lost to their original purpose. The Morae were busy here, he’d thought the first time he saw them, and had laughed at his own clever joke. But now he feels the red string is his skin.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.                                  (it is starting to hurt these could be infected they are dirty they are rusted,) Eight.                                     (but it has to be ten he has to get to ten it has to be even) Nine.                                     (has to be a multiple of five but even always even, no odd numbers in sight)

04 || vita in motu (E)

Heheh I’m in danger (chuckles).

I’ve only managed to get one piece of hate for this fic which I figured would draw way more ire and make me orphan it, and I’m glad I haven’t had to because I’m stupidly attached to the concept. I was trying not to go for E rated fics for this, but this fic meant so much to me to write and for something marked explicit I put a lot of thought into how I wanted to characterize Daniil for it.

So. Yeah. Publishing it was scary as hell but I’m glad I did. I also got some really nice feedback on it, and more than I expected to. I’m very happy with how it turned out.

Favorite moment was actually much longer at the start of it, though kind of like with o tempora, o mores I actually really like how the whole fic turned out. But I really liked this part because I view Artemy as someone who would be very grounding for Daniil to be with:

“Stay in the moment,” Artemy tells him, and kisses him again, kisses him slowly. “Stay here with me. I love you.”  

 It should be utter nonsense, to give in so quickly to this, but Artemy makes it easy. Daniil would never have seen this in his future, would not have even made this as a joke. Something had to beat down his resistance to the emotional, a pro to outweigh the cons he associated with vulnerability. Keeping tightly bound was the safest bet, the easy one. He could say he lacked emotion, and anyone would buy it. Nothing short of a miracle could drag him back to the land of the living – but then again, nothing short of a miracle could have saved this town. Artemy Burakh is a man who manufactures miracles.  

05 || it’s sacrilege, you say (T)

This is the last fic that I wrote out that I took a lot of time planning instead of going “hey, I think this idea would be neat” and slapping it onto paper. And I think it turned out really well!! I almost wanted to do something darker with it, more akin to Silent Hill, but I have other ideas in mind for that kind of AU that I’ll play with later, one of which will be a sort of crossover with TMA.

Favorite moment is when I actually implied the twist, though I’m not sure you can call it a twist at all when I used proper tags:

Her eyes drift from Daniil to the wall, pivoting to look through the window. “No,” she says. “I don’t know why he made you.”

 The center of Daniil’s chest feels like a flower, budded but unopened. Smooth, perhaps, but heavy to move, and his petals are made of something sharp. Crystal, maybe. And he can feel the petals start to part with her words, though they make so little sense to him. He steps forward, closer, half expecting Aspity to recoil from him, but she stays unnaturally still as he approaches. He reaches out to wet his lips, dry as sand, before he speaks. “Made me?” There’s no tone in his voice. “What do you mean, made me? And who are you talking about?”

 She doesn’t turn to face him. She blinks, and lashes fall on sunken cheeks. “Do you remember how you got here, doctor?” He opens his mouth, but she’s faster. “Not to my home. To Town. Think: Can you remember how it is you came to be here?” Daniil grinds his teeth on the side of his tongue, sharp edges digging into the flesh. The flesh.      The flesh    . “Take your time,” she says, but it sounds like a joke. “The last train that arrived brought the menkhu, and no one else aboard it. There are no other ways into our Town.”

#icarus.txt

[notjanine]

2020 in books!

the only kind of new year’s resolution i made as a naive baby last january was to try to read 40 books for the year. (i read 37 in 2019, for context.) well, with all of my commuting time eliminated and an increased need for immersive escapism, i ended up surpassing that goal three times over lmao (thanks library ebooks!)

idk how to summarize my year in books in a way that makes sense but

(f) = fiction, (nf) = nonfiction, (p) = poetry.

books that rewired my fucking brain:

braiding sweetgrass by robin wall kimmerer (nf)- GOD?!?!?! good. dr. k is right. ostensibly a book about plants, but actually a book about shut up and go outside. consumerism and capitalism are doing their damnedest to fuck you up, but you can just choose to value different things. take care of yourself by taking care of your environment. etc etc.

wasp by richard jones (nf)- lissen. when i got this book, my wasp-phobia was so severe that i had to put it away face down on a high shelf because there are wasps on the cover and i couldn’t bear to RISK even GLIMPSING them. now i am like... a wasp evangelist. (also due to the bugs 101 course on coursera it’s so good.)

wag by zazie todd (nf)- i have a dog, but i am NOT a Dog Person (i.e. i love my dog, but please keep yours away from me, thanks.) this book helped me understand my little guy better, plus it gives actionable tasks and activities to do with and for your pup! plus, y’know, learning about things you’re scared of helps to lessen that fear. i’d recommend this to anyone who has, wants, or regularly interacts with a dog.

a closed and common orbit by becky chambers (f)- is this series complete fluff? absolutely. am i fundamentally different after reading this one? maybe.

the best we could do by thi bui (nf)- this is so far outside of my personal experience but somehow still made me come to peace with my relationship with my mom?? and it’s barely even about that?? idk. this is probably objectively the best book i’ve read this year.

books that were just fun as hell:

mexican gothic by silvia moreno-garcia (f)- this book made me YELL out loud

death on the nile by agatha christie (f)- i grew up on agatha christie shows, but never actually read her before this year! she really was That Bitch. read this before the movie comes out

cosmoknights by hannah templer (f)- i read this in one sitting through the worst headache i’ve had in years. it is a goddamn DELIGHT. this book has everything: spaceships. mech suits. fighting the patriarchy. a perfect otp. fun art in bright colors with clean lines. onomatopoetic WAPs from before the song gave that hilarious context. 800 lesbians. this is an antidepressant in graphic novel form.

stiff by mary roach (nf)- ms. roach is like the 4th most represented author on my bookshelf because she 1. stays writing about shit i’m interested in and 2. manages to talk about gross and ridiculous things without resorting to sensationalism. it takes skill to write a hilarious book about corpses.

black sun by rebecca roanhorse (f)- excellent sexual tension between a horny siren pirate and a hot doomed... monk, kinda? set in the pre-columbian gulf of mexico with magic and shit.

cuisine chinoise by zao dao (? n/f)- this graphic novel about chinese food history/mythology is BEAUTIFUL.

the color of magic by terry pratchett (f)- you’d think a hardcore douglas adams stan would have gotten to this sooner, but no, i had to date a nerdy white boy to get here. it’s fun though! i’m not gonna read them all, but this one was good. bonus: contains one (1) great himbo.

gideon the ninth by tamsyn muir (f)- like 500 pages of action and mystery and jokes and space necromancy. harrow the ninth gets a special mention bc it has a meme reference that took me out so hard i had to close the book, lie down, and groan for an entire minute before continuing.

other minds by peter godfrey-smith (nf)- i love octopuses. on one tma bonus ep, jonny sims says that if a creature can choose to do evil, then it’s a Person. octopuses are People. but anyway frfr this has an explanation of the evolution of consciousness that is cool af. (this one is much better than the other recent popsci octo book which i will not name out of politeness.)

the perfect predator by steffanie strathdee and thomas patterson (nf)- i read this bc my microbiology prof recommended it and it’s cool as heck! it’s got adventure, drama, mystery, Science-with-a-capital-S. i’m biased bc i’m a bit of a microbes nerd, but i had a blast with this. (but only bc we know going in that everything works out okay; if i hadn’t known that, i would have been TOO stressed!)

books that were a little less fun but still very readable:

my sister, the serial killer by oyinkan braithwaite (f)- i couldn’t find this as funny as other people bc i, too, have a beautiful sister who’s an insufferable narcissist, so it hits a little too close to home, but. it is a wild ride.

piranesi by susanna clarke (f)- idek what to say! i went into this one blind just bc it had a cool cover and title, so i guess i’d recommend that for other people too.

the sixth world series by rebecca roanhorse (f)- monster hunting! a post-apocalyptic take that doesn’t feel tired.

the shades of magic trilogy by v.e. schwab (f)- easy escapism. some ideas feel a little first draft-y, but idk, it’s also a pretty simple premise (which isn’t a bad thing). it’s a decent urban fantasy set in ~georgian?-era london. very actiony. suffers from a bit of i’m-not-like-other-girls disease, but i didn’t even notice until book two or three, so.

the only good indians by stephen graham jones (f)- starts off a little ??? (and reeks of being Written By A Man) but picks up. the pacing’s great and there’s just a super fucking cool monster.

robopocalypse by daniel h. wilson (f)- this reads like a tv miniseries so much that i can’t believe it isn’t one yet.

confessions of the fox by jordy rosenberg (f)- not my usual cup of tea, fiction-wise, but still compelling. a fresh take on the white-male-english-professor-self-insert? but not insufferable. gets weird!

spinning silver by naomi novik (f)- rumplestilstkin, but make it interesting! a great, richly-told fairy tale, but like, large scale. good to read on a cold day while you’re wrapped up in a blanket with some hot tea.

interior chinatown by charles yu (f)- compulsively readable. a couple things bugged me, but not enough to make me dislike it. a fun companion piece to how to live safely in a science fictional universe. i like this guy’s style.

cannibalism by bill schutt (nf)- COOL. mostly covers the animal kingdom (fun), spends too much time on the donner party (less fun), ends with a SPICY take on prions that i cannot get out of my head!!!

buzz, sting, bite by anne sverdrup-thygeson (nf)- BUGS! broad but not overwhelming, neither dumbed down nor overly scientific, short enough to finish in a day or two. recommend this to literally everyone.

books that made me want to read everything else in the author’s ouevre:

the time invariance of snow by e. lily yu (f)- this FUCKS but it’s too short!!!

an unkindness of ghosts by rivers solomon (f)- okay this book is SO good and so well-written and interesting and blah blah blah all the good things, but... the whole time, i was just like?? why???? why is this what you’re choosing to write about??? (i did also read the deep and blood is another word for hunger after this one, and i did like them both, especially the latter, but i think they can do better! like i think they could write a perfect book and i am gonna be *eyes emoji* until then.)

the space between worlds by micaiah johnson (f)- a fine debut novel, but i want to see her do something a little more... idk, refined? i think she overreaches here, like it’s a little... idk looper? this is how you lose the time war? there’s a better comparison, but i can’t think of it, but you get the idea. and then halfway through it shifts gears to mad max. there’s something weird about one of the central relationships, like it’s not complex enough to take as long to resolve as it does. idk idk. there are just a lot of little nitpicky things. it’s not bad! but i think she can do better and i look forward to finding out.

postcolonial love poem by natalie diaz (p)- thinky! like i tried to read this before bed, but it’s not the sort of thing to parse out while you’re falling asleep, it requires more attention than that.

books that Learned Me Somethin:

smoke gets in your eyes by caitlin doughty (nf)- i am a self-professed death obsessed weirdo, fascinated by death and mourning, but i didn’t know all that much about what happens to a body between the dying and the funeral! this book isn’t big, but it covers a lot and doughty’s writing style is engaging and honest. it’s very memorable.

queer by meg-john barker and julia scheele (nf)- i’m gonna be totally honest and say Queer Theory is above my intellectual pay grade, but this book takes you by the hand and explains the basics.

vitamania by catherine price (nf)- LMAO my fellow americans, never take a supplement. this book is great and well-researched, but normal folks don’t need to read it, just listen to season two of the dream podcast, which definitely cribbed from this.

vegetable kingdom by bryant terry (nf)- this is a fine cookbook, my favorite of his that i’ve read so far. gets a special mention bc i had a religious experience just reading one of his kohlrabi recipes. absolutely gutted that i didn’t have an opportunity to try it this year, since the pandemic put the kibosh on all family bbqs.

the best american food writing 2020 edited by j. kenji lopez-alt (nf)- this really is just a great collection.

are prisons obsolete? by angela y. davis (nf)- yes.

i moved to los angeles to work in animation by natalie nourigat (nf)- before reading this, i had basically zero knowledge of how the animation industry works. now i know like three things.

the secret lives of bats by merlin tuttle (nf)- BATS! okay this book is more about the adventures of being a bat scientist than it actually is about bats, but there are bats in there. insectivorous bats basically shit glitter, you should know this.

books from valuable perspectives:

hood feminism by mikki kendall (nf)- a breakdown of who’s getting left out of feminist spaces, why that’s happening, and why it shouldn’t be happening.

all you can ever know by nicole chung (nf)- a (transracial) adoptee’s take on adoption and learning more about her birth family. the personal storytelling of this one really stuck with me.

motherhood so white by nefertiti austin (nf)- a single-mom-by-choice’s take on the foster system/adoption process. walks you through some things i always wondered about and some things i wouldn’t even have thought about.

this place by kateri akiwenzie-damm et al (? n/f)- i, like a lot of non- native americans, only know that history in broad strokes. getting this many highly specific stories in one dense and beautiful book felt like a lucky find. and taking that perspective into the future in the context of that history is v good.

empty by susan burton (nf)- eating disorder stories are important to me bc i care about food so much. this one is so relatable- not in its specificity, but rather its generality. it’s easy to empathize with her perspective because it’s like, Oh, i don’t have that exact problem, but i struggle with different problems in a very similar way. (feels like the opposite of roxane gay’s hunger, in a way.)

obit by victoria chang (p)- this exploration of grief is... woof.

short story collections are hard to evaluate bc you’ll never read one where every single story hits but i generally enjoyed these:

a thousand beginnings and endings edited by ellen oh and elsie chapman (f)

how long til black future month? by n.k. jemisin (f)

her body and other parties by carmen maria machado (f)

books i revisited:

the broken earth trilogy by n.k. jemisin (f)- i read the series backwards this time and like... i can’t really find any faults in these books, man. they’re just the best.

everyone’s a aliebn when ur a aliebn too by jomny sun (f... but is it really?)- half of this book’s sales are from me buying it for other people bc it’s the only way i know how to say i love you. i reread it every time just to make sure it still feels right and it always does.

other honorable mentions:

white is for witching by helen oyeyemi (f)- not to pit two bad bitches against each other, but this book does what akwaeke emezi’s freshwater was trying to do. it’s a little weird, a little haunted, a little of a lot of things. read this only in the dead of winter. (and with stephen rennicks’ score for the little stranger playing in the background.)

homie by danez smith (p)- there’s a lot going on here, but this just made me crack a smile a couple times in a way that no other book of poetry has ever done.

the murder of roger ackroyd and murder in mesopotamia by agatha christie (f)- That Bitch!

blues by nikki giovanni (p)- she sure has some Things To Say

the three-body problem by cixin liu (f)- interesting concepts, but... idk something’s missing? felt weirdly soulless to me. i’m probably not gonna read the sequels. but it did make some points!

the sisters of the winter wood by rena rossner (f)- i’m a slut for shapeshifting, okay. but this is a good fairy tale, it works!

parable of the sower by octavia butler (f)- i read this in march, when the pandemic was just kicking off and boy that was not the right time. def my least favorite of hers so far, but an octavia butler i don’t love is still better than a hell of a lot of other books. no idea when or if i’ll get to a good enough headspace for the sequel.

faves:

saturnino herrán by adriana zapett tapia (nf)- i got to learn new things about my mans and see some of his paintings i’ve never even seen online! GOSH.

on food and cooking by harold mcgee (nf)- yeah yeah, i’ve already mentioned this book half a dozen times on here this year, but i don’t care. this book lives off the shelf in my home bc i reference it like every other fucking day. this book is a part of me now.

#long post #final total for the year will be 120 by the end of the day! #and i had a pretty good hit rate. would probably recommend at least half #and only outright hated four

[haberdashing]

A Rude Awakening

TMA fic. Elias Bouchard has one hell of a time when he wakes up.

Inspired by this art.

on AO3

The first thing Elias registered when he woke up was pain. He had a few aches and pains all across his body, but the majority of it was centered on his head, his face feeling like it was burning. He’d thought he’d felt agony before, when he’d gotten some especially nasty hangovers in uni, but this? This was on a whole new level.

The second thing Elias registered was that he couldn’t see a thing. He couldn’t even tell if it was light out or not. The world was just a sea of blankness, almost like his eyes were closed tight, but when he tried to open them nothing happened except even more pain punishing him for the attempt.

The rest of the situation came to him more gradually. The cold, hard ground that he was splayed out upon, which felt almost unnaturally smooth. The wet, sticky feeling coating his face that had to be blood. The murmurs in the background that he couldn’t quite make out, belonging to voices that he was pretty sure he didn’t recognize.

Elias groaned and tried to push himself off the ground with one hand, which quickly proved to be a mistake. Moving his head even slightly upwards sent a shock of white-hot pain coursing through him, and he sunk back again, getting another jolt of pain for his trouble when his head made contact with the floor once more.

The only upside to his attempt at movement was that the murmurs in the background grew louder, enough that he could hear some of what was being said, though it didn’t help that several of the voices kept talking over one another.

“Is that-”

“Shh, don’t-”

“-think he’s awake.”

Elias took the opportunity to voice the main question that was going through his mind.

“What the hell is going on?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” It was a woman’s voice, awfully calm given the situation at hand. (She had to know, right? Between the pain and the blood, she had to know that this was something of a rude awakening for him.) A bit blunt, too, given that she was talking to someone who’d clearly been badly injured. Not even a hint of sympathy for his predicament in that voice.

Elias let out a shaky laugh, which made his sides ache slightly. “I asked first.”

“Yeah, well, tough. You’re still going first.”

“I don’t- I don’t know what’s going on, that’s why I asked you-”

“Jon?”

The next voice--”Jon”, presumably, whoever that was--was a man’s voice, also calm and level in its own way.

“Who are you?”

Something about the question dug into Elias somehow, made a tingle run through his body, convinced him that he had to answer, and answer immediately (not that he was terribly keen to avoid giving information to those who might actually know what the hell all this was about)...

“My name’s Elias.”

Jon didn’t say anything, and neither did any of the other voices, but Elias could just feel that somehow that wasn’t enough, that they needed more from him.

“Elias Bouchard. I- I work at the Magnus Institute. I’m James Wright’s secretary.”

“James Wright?” Another woman’s voice, one with a bit more energy to it.

That strange need Elias had felt to answer was gone, but he figured it couldn’t hurt to explain further. “He’s the big boss there. Uh, the head. That’s his official title, anyway, Head of the Magnus Institute.”

Somebody let out a sharp laugh, though Elias didn’t have a clue why.

“He’s not lying, at least.” Jon said. “He can’t be, not to me.”

“So what does that mean?” Another man’s voice, a bit higher-pitched, a bit unsure of itself.

“You don’t think...” The first woman again, still sounding thoroughly unimpressed by Elias’ answers, though he wasn’t sure what more she expected from him.

“What’s the last thing you remember, Elias?” It was Jon speaking again, and with the question came that same weird, tingly pressure to respond.

“James called me into his office, and I- I honestly thought I’d gotten in trouble somehow, but instead he started talking about how he’d served the Institute for so long, and how it was about time for somebody else to take his place running it so he could go off and retire. When he got to that bit I figured he was just letting me know I’d have a new boss, but then he said I should be the new head, which- which is ridiculous, really, I work hard and all but that’s way beyond my pay grade, I can’t imagine myself running the place-”

Somebody--one of the women, Elias thought--snorted with amusement, which, yes, it was an amusing mental image for him too, but given that he didn’t know these people in the slightest, why would they understand how weird that had been?

“But James insisted, said something about having to make final preparations before handing the Institute over- over to me! He stopped talking, and then... well, and then this. Whatever this is.”

Things were silent for a long moment before Elias spoke up again.

“Since it seems like you’ve finished badgering me for my life’s story, can somebody please tell me what the hell is going on?” He paused for a moment before adding, “And call 999 while you’re at it, I think I need an ambulance, my face hurts and I can’t see a thing-”

“That’s because we took your eyes out.”

Why did that woman sound so... okay with that? Happy, even?

“Daisy, don’t say it like that.”

Oh, God, they were all some kind of- of creepy serial-killing psychopaths, weren’t they? And he was at their mercy, unless he could get up, find his way out of wherever he was, besides in the middle of some kind of bad horror movie-

Elias tried to push himself off the ground again and managed to pull himself into a sitting position before pain and nausea got the best of him. He started feeling the ground around him, trying to get his bearings, possibly even latch onto something he could use as a weapon, though he didn’t even know exactly where his would-be opponents were-

“Calm down, Elias. It’s going to be alright.”

Elias laughed, because he’d rather laugh than cry.

“You took my bloody eyes out! That’s pretty far from alright!”

“Not in this line of business.” Was that supposed to be a joke? If so, it was an awfully dry one. And confusing, but that was quickly becoming par for the course.

“Basira, please.” Jon sounded annoyed at her, but not truly upset.

“I’m just saying.” The woman--Basira--replied.  “Didn’t you try to get Martin to do it with you that one time?”

The other man--Martin, perhaps?--spoke up. “I thought we agreed not to talk about that!”

...were they a cult? Some sort of eye-gouging cult? And they... what, went after him because he was supposed to become James’ successor, or something?

He had been in James’ office just a moment ago, and now he was stuck on the ground somewhere with his eyes gouged out while a bunch of people he didn’t know talked about how they’d considered gouging their own eyes out...

“...what the fuck.”

Elias hadn’t really intended it as a question, because he was getting the sense that he wouldn’t get a straight answer from these people, and he wasn’t even entirely intending for them to hear him, but his speech did bring their ongoing discussion to a close.

“...you really don’t know about any of this, do you?” Probably-Martin said.

Elias shook his head, then brought a hand up to his forehead because fuck that hurt, and if steadying his head meant getting blood on his hand, well, that seemed to be the least of his problems right about now.

“You weren’t aware of the presence of the Eye at all?” That was Jon again. At least he was starting to get a handle of who the people he was speaking with were, even if everything else about the situation was still up in the air.

“Jesus fucking Christ what is with you people and eyes-”

“The Beholding, then, if you prefer. One of Smirke’s Fourteen.”

“I- look, I don’t know what all this freaky cult speak of yours is getting at, okay?”

Somebody sighed.

“This is going nowhere.”

Basira was the one who said it, but Elias couldn’t help but agree, though he only expressed it through a soft “you’re telling me.”

“Alright, alright, what do-” Jon paused, hesitated. “I would like to know how much you know about Jonah Magnus.”

That, at least, was a name Elias recognized. It was a start, perhaps. “I mean, I read up on the history of the Institute a bit when I got hired, but-”

“Anything beyond that?”

“I... what d’you think I’m gonna say, that I go have drinks with the guy every Friday?” Elias laughed a little at his own joke, but wasn’t terribly surprised that none of the others joined in. “He’s from the 1800s. So no, nothing beyond that. Why? Is there some big historical revelation I’m missing here?”

A few people spoke up at once in response, and finally, finally Elias started to hear a bit of sympathy in their voices.

“He- he really didn’t-”

“Oh dear.”

“And I thought you were clueless-”

“Hey!”

“Don’t deny it-”

“Elias.” Jon’s voice was calm and serious as always, and the others settled down at the sound of his voice. “That conversation you had with James Wright. When did that happen?”

Elias didn’t see how this had to do with anything, how the exact time of his last memory would help explain why a bunch of eye-gouging cultist freaks had gotten their hands on him, but he felt that strange pressure he’d felt before when Jon had asked him questions, knew he had to speak, had to share his response no matter what-

“Well, it wasn’t long after I took my lunch--I think it was two, maybe two-thirty?” After a brief pause, Elias added, “In the afternoon.”

That eerie pressure didn’t let up, and as Elias felt the need to continue specifying, part of him started considering why. He was guessing that Jon and the pressure were connected, that if it was still there it meant that Jon wanted to know more, but if Elias had to specify which afternoon... had he been out for more than a few hours? He was far from a doctor, but he knew getting knocked out for long could mess up your mind something fierce, so if he’d been unconscious for days... that... well, that was definitely not good news. Not that he’d really been expecting any at this point.

“On the fourth.”

Still the pressure. Okay, so the month had changed recently, but was it really so ambiguous that he had to state it? “Of... May...”

Even that wasn’t enough, and... they had to be fucking with him, right? There was no way a calendar date wasn’t enough information for them, unless their freaky eye cult didn’t use the same calendar as normal people or something...

“1996?”

The pressure vanished, which in one sense was a relief, but in another made things even scarier because it suggested that they really were satisfied now, which meant that they hadn’t been by him supplying the month and date and time of day.

A long silence fell over the room.

“We need to tell him.”

Elias was pretty sure Basira’s words were directed towards the rest of her little gang rather than towards him, given that he was being referred to in the third person now (which, rude), but he responded anyway. “Tell me what?”

“Elias...” Basira hesitated for a moment before continuing. “It’s not 1996 anymore. It’s 2019.”

Elias laughed, soft and shakily. “Don’t- don’t try to convince me this is some bullshit time travel conspiracy-”

“Not time travel. Not exactly.”

Elias started to open his mouth to ask how else he could have skipped over two decades in the blink of an eye, but Jon spoke up to answer his question before he could even pose it.

“Your body’s been here the whole time, you just haven’t been the one using it. The man you know as James Wright is actually Jonah Magnus, and shortly after that conversation you had with him, he went from controlling James’ body to controlling yours while maintaining control over the Institute. While we’ve worked for the Institute, we knew him as Elias Bouchard.”

“Or ‘that asshole.’“ Daisy added. Somebody Elias couldn’t identify let out a sharp laugh in response.

There was a lot to take in here, and most of it sounded like sci-fi bullshit, which had never really been Elias’ thing. Sure, he worked for the Magnus Institute, but he’d chosen his workplace less because he had any actual interest in the supposed paranormal encounters being chronicled there and more because they were willing to take him and it seemed like a cushy enough office job, possibly a way to pivot into academia even, if he played his cards right and really felt like delving into that ivory tower life. And he’d stayed because, upon arriving there, he found that the work was decent and the coworkers were nice enough and James was a surprisingly understanding boss.

James, who according to them was actually the guy who had founded the Magnus Institute back in the 1800s, and had stolen over two decades of Elias’ life in order to keep control of it.

“...do you have any proof that you’re not just crazy, or, or making all of this up, or both? Because if you expect me to believe this without any proof, well, that’s one hell of a leap...”

There was a pause before anyone responded, and for a moment Elias felt that his instincts had been validated by that pause, that all this crazy talk about his body being controlled by someone else for twenty-plus years was just that, crazy talk and nothing more.

Then Basira asked, clearly and pointedly, “Did you always have that scar on your left hand?”

“I-”

Daisy spoke up in agreement. “Your body must have changed a lot over twenty-three years, even without us taking your eyes. New scars, wrinkles...”

“He’s not that old.” Probably-Martin objected.

“He’s not that young, either.”

They kept bickering a bit, but Elias tuned it out as he ran one hand across the other, seeing what he could feel, whether anything felt off in the way they were suggesting. Granted, he wasn’t exactly in the habit of examining his hands by sense of touch alone, and he went into it fully expecting to be unsure if anything had changed, but...

But he could feel that scar Basira mentioned on his left hand, a thin line raised slightly above the rest of the skin, and no, that definitely hadn’t been there beforehand. His fingernails were shorter than he remembered them being, too--he’d been procrastinating on filing them for some time now--and the paper cut from last Tuesday, and the handful of skin tags left from absentmindedly picking at his cuticles, were nowhere to be found.

“...shit.”

“I’m sorry.” Jon’s voice had more emotion in it now than he’d heard in it before, though it seemed closer to pity than the sympathy Elias would have preferred. At least it seemed genuine enough.

“So, uh, how does this all tie into you gouging my eyes out, exactly?”

“It’s the only way to get away from it--the Institute, the Beholding, Jonah Magnus. Leave the Eye by losing your sight, or not at all.”

“I honestly thought it’d just kill him--er, you, I guess.”

“But evidently not.”

Elias felt like he was going to be sick.

“What about- about Jonah Magnus? If he’s not in my body-”

“We’re hoping to get to the Panopticon and kill his original body before he can take over anyone else.”

Elias didn’t have a clue what the Panopticon was. Elias also didn’t particularly care right this moment.

“If- if all this is true--and I’m still not sure that’s the case, mind you, but if it is, if Jonah Magnus made me lose twenty-three years overnight... fuck, I’ll kill the bastard myself.”

Someone let out a low whistle, while someone else let out a loud, raucous laugh.

“That’s the spirit!”

“I take back all the times I cursed your name. Elias Bouchard, you’re alright in my book.”

(There was a backstory there, obviously, but Elias was in no hurry to learn the details.)

Elias felt a hand grip his, one that was soft and warm, and as that hand helped pull him up, he heard Probably-Martin say, “Welcome to the team, Elias.”

#tma #the magnus archives #tma fic #tma fanfic #the magnus archives fic #the magnus archives fanfic #elias bouchard #personal #my writing #tma spoilers

[shy-magpie]

RQG 151

Moving the patreon names a good idea but changes to structure take up more brain space than they should. I hope they keep the reminder they moved it as a substitute, at least for a while. The rest of the structure is the same and I can feel my shoulders coming away from my ears as the theme plays. I choose to interpret that as Alex saying his players being fine is his highest priority. Borb Under the sea bed🎵. 1)its great when I barely start a thought before a player says the same thing 2) we will get our musical one way or the other 3)I know they're from an improv background but it never ceases to delight how joyfully they support each other's unexpected bits. 4) Alex seems like he gets a kick out of playing up his annoyance at the musical idea more than actually being frustrated it keeps coming up. I thought so but nice to confirm. Bless this cast, it wouldn't have been a huge deal if they let Alex's description stand but its so nice they not only corrected it, they did so without hesitation and Alex seemed to appreciate the help in getting to better phrasing rather than take it as an accusation. Not that I thought he would but feeling grateful for RQ not falling into behavior I see elsewhere. Also hearing everyone chiming in; with Bryn being the one to name check the trope instead of it being on Helen to always take the lead is nice to hear. "he was very encountered" Have I mentioned lately that I love literally everything about this show? Even when he thinks he knows exactly what the party is going to do and certainly knows what he is guiding them towards Alex checks instead of putting anyone in the position of having to derail. Cel! I wonder if cis people get anywhere near my joy in Cel having that kind of control over their body. I mean its just objectively cool even without the gender aspect so I hope they at least enjoy that much. I need cancan art. Did Alex know how delighted Lydia would be with the image of being popped out like a cork before he said it? Coo coo ca chu, thank you Ben Zolf remains 200% done and doesn't bother checking the door Ben don't! 92 HP, well that would be comforting if it wasn't Zolf. Like I don't think it's actually a death wish/that he is suicidal but well, see not checking the door. He is far too comfortable with the idea of being hurt. Alex:Chill sea dude Ben: sounds of objection Lydia: chill environment neutral dude Still love Alex's set design. A person! Bryn sounds alarmed about implications of the walk ways. Cel can shield themselves. Yes Hamid can armor himself! Also casts fly on himself & Azu. Thank you Ben/Zolf. This show does get deep into moral quandaries sometimes but unless these guys are as drugged as the Kobolds they objectively need to die. The dice love us Altruism run Darn it Alex, are you hinting they are drugged against their will? Azu feels tapping their shoulder then killing them is better even if they don't have a prayer of defending themselves. Oh I see Helen has our back and is checking for mind control before we do Kobolds 2: the guilt continues. Well yes they are surprised Bryn sounds so pleased as goes through exactly how many ways the odds are in Hamid's favor. Then he rolls 6,6,5,5 on D6s for 26 damage so no kill like over kill. Watsonian explanation: emotion is at least partially fueling Hamid's magic especially anything fire/desolation aligned, and there is no way he isn't overflowing with emotion after the last few hours. Zolf is happy to let Azu handle the last one and uses his action to ask if Cel knows what (something, the equipment in this room?) does. Cel determines its a notification board for the cell cavern. So these guys were directly aware and involved with the mistreatment of the Kobolds. I officially am dropping the last tiny part of me that cared if they were drugged/otherwise forced into the work. If they were cognisant enough to read that and still did it then its time to find Zolf's old bucket. Glad the table is having fun! I wonder what the face Alex pulled looked like.  Raw terror? The equivalent of a neon sign reading "I'm screwed"? I shouldn't have implied Alex would leave the listeners out, this is a wonderful description. Helen is more thorough than I am. There you go, time to die. Oh episode name drop. That's my Zolf, killing who needs killing doesn't mean we ignore collateral damage. And Cel just invented the departures board. Zolf: not worth destroying? Cel: If you'd enjoy it Priorities Heading towards the shore I like how Alex sounds pleased they broke his dungeon Vital info for visualizing this. Poor Azu is trying to swim while Hamid & Cel are zooming elegantly and Zolf is walking because boots or no he is ungainly. Hamid enjoying flying & Azu being adorable even under the circumstances is endearing. Correction Cel is walking Lockers & propaganda posters I can't put it in words but there is a connection being made between how little these mooks care about messing up shared spaces & the rest of the mundane evil that led to them being bucket worthy. Thank you all for the taking water breathing potions I'm not sure how I feel about Alex giving us stuff for free Oh Dear! Are the mooks heading to the village? Zolf is reassuring Never over the little touches Alex has to make the world feel more real like the water proof flares Oh Cel dear, 1)you don't know that, you don't need mourn your village while they yet may live 2)what kind of trauma have they been through? "Again"? Lydia gets a quick dig in about the party not being allowed to sleep. Cel shifts into a creature who can see. ~Break~ Nevermind just enlarge person Somewhere Babs is begging for a simple answer. I don't think we got a simple answer Hamid is reassuring Cel. Something both relateable and possibly a bad sign that "don't worry they have been spending all their time preparing to kill us, so they can't be attacking your people" is legitimately both the line Hamid took and probably the most effective possible. The others help too. I love how they openly care, reassuring Cel without telling them to repress or that they are wrong to experience the emotions in the first place. Lights and colors flashing in the water. The dice seem to be favoring Bryn today. There's a fight up ahead. They all run to the fight, Cel leaves them in the dust. Hamid flies after Cel since he couldn't catch up on foot The dice do know I promise I will appreciate the set design on relisten,  but for the love of god who is fighting who? Mooks vs who? Humans Yes! Alex hasn't quite gotten there but the cast sound convinced its Barnes & Carter. Ah is Wilde with them? Did Wilde tear his hair out worrying then send back up the second Zolf was overdue? Bleeping Carter Barnes sounds like he is having fun Carter is throwing knives at people. Odd knife & dagger are basically synonyms but not getting Sasha feels 2 vs 8 Ben points out Carter stole Sasha's gimmick Ok warming to Carter will take a minute but I already like Barnes Natural 1 on bomb throwing. Thank you Alex for not being a "death by nat 1 is funny" GM Alex keeps forgetting what a bad bum Cel is. Giblet heavy day Moving quickly past possible misgendering of Cel. Best way to handle that I think, no distracting corrections but Lydia doesn't let it stand. Thank you for being safe Hamid! Hamid protects Barnes. Love the extra extra pew. Finger guns! Alex is 3rd person level stressed Cel gets out the crossbow and punctuates their correction on pronouns. I love this podcast. I really, really, love this podcast and stuff like that shows they love their listeners back. Cel: Pronouns. Are. They. Them Helen: the dice say they/them rights Not sure if dead but 13 damage against one misgendering mook Hamid continues to shoot very well in support rather than endangering himself needlessly. Azu, spotting Carter: You! You? Accidently restarted the episode when I unpaused and now my phone is acting up, and is doing strange things when I try to fast forward to where I was. The annoyance at the above is cancelled out by hearing "Pronouns. Are. They/Them" 4 times Zolf: great seeing you again I love Barnes Alex the fandom appreciates this description Ah Zolf got Barnes into the Campbell books And they attempt to flee badly Carter finally rolls decently but not impressively Cel shoots one in the neck they're still moving Hamid mutters in draconic:  this is for the Kobolds Thank you Bryn Barnes successfully seduced <Azu> Helen I love that the trained mathematician is the one who participates in dice superstition Ben! Huh patreon names still make my brain happy. Wonder if it's something deep about community or I just got pavloved by it being before RQG & TMA for so long

#RQG spoilers #Rusty Quill Gaming #live blog thingy #RQG season 4 #RQG 151 #long post

[autisticjon]

elias: did any episodes remind you particularly of any memories you made over the last decade, whether scary or not?

honestly none of them really had any instant strong connections for me? some of them reminded me of specific settings, like a lot of the hunt or wilderness focused ones made me think of my dad's extended family who are scattered across the pacific northwest, but there were no instant associations for me

martin: which entities would you have been an avatar of at the beginning of the decade? at the end?

at the beginning i was uhh 5 so probably beholding because kids like to learn stuff, but at the end i'm. hoo boy web/spiral with a pinch of stranger to taste probably

georgie: what did you do while listening to tma? did you listen with friends or other people?

back when i first got into tma i was doing concept art for a play i was in and i needed something to fill the time with! i also listened to it while walking home after rehearsal for said play sometimes but at that point it had become a driving force in my life so i was pretty much listening to it every chance i got. the only episode i actually listened to with other people was 160, and two of my friends and me had a little halloween listening party thing

michael: did the influence of any particular entities feature prominently in your decade? which ones?

there hasn't been one for the whole overarching decade besides probably the web, but going in vaguely chronological order probably the big boys have been beholding, stranger, web, spiral, lonely

sasha: which episode were you most afraid of on your first time listening?

HGGHgh number 3. good old across the street. i hadn't been expecting tma to be actually scary, because i had listened to the first two and been told about 65 binary and 86 tucked in and found them mostly intriguing and thought-provoking stories, but nothing that actually frightened me. i think it was the imagery of across the street personally because i remember like vividly imagining the statement giver on the bus, in her window watching graham, in class, repeat, and then just waiting for the other shoe to drop the whole episode and finally being greeted with just the arm reaching up through the window... that was *chef's kiss* for me it took a little longer to get hooked into the metaplot but 3 was what really got me revved up for the statements

leitner: did you do anything this decade you wished you'd listened to tma before doing? likewise, did you do anything you wished you'd listened to tma after?

the short answer here is yes to both, and the long answer is i wasn't able to process podcasts until this year but god i wish late 2018/early 2019 me had listened to tma because i had to write a credo for church and i feel like if i had taken those few months to process the mangus anchovies i would've been able to define my ideas much more clearly? idk my brain is fried and it's late o clock

#ask #sam.txt #there were a few more separate asks but they were all encapsulated in these three i think #apparently sasha and martin are hot questions... i see

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

I posted 6,100 times in 2021

377 posts created (6%)

5723 posts reblogged (94%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 15.2 posts.

I added 3,679 tags in 2021

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Longest Tag: 140 characters

#will only reblog bc of the last person's response to the second to last person (who is a terf btw if it wasn't obvious by their comment alks

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

i’m just gonna make my own post bc i don’t wanna encroach on anyone

but i’ve seen some confusion over why Martin would go with Annabelle, and wanting to hear the conversation they had, which is fair!

i just thought i might explain what i think happened more comrehensively, extrapolating from what we learned in mag196, my knowledge of psychology, and my own experiences with manipulation

so in mag181, we get this from Annabelle:

Don’t worry, Martin. We’ll meet again. Hopefully when you’re feeling a little bit more…open-minded.

(emphasis mine)

there are a lot of ways to influence and manipulate people, the one i’m going to focus on is emotional manipulation because that’s what i believe Annabelle relied on, but first i want to remind you of what Annabelle said earlier in the same convo:

For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. The call was… clumsy. There are so many things to keep track of at the moment. I must confess it did perhaps lack my usual… nuance.

(emphasis mine, again)

to me, this almost sounds like the Web has “feelers” out all around this new world, and like a spider’s web, when something moves or shifts or disrupts any part of the web, the vibrations get sent to the spider, usually sitting in the middle of the web. that’s how she’s been keeping track of all the key players like Jon and Martin. and sending those calls to Martin.

going off that, she most likely continued to monitor Martin and Jon’s progress when they left. this is also how she decided when to kill Selesa.

so keeping that in mind, she probably also knew that Jon and Martin had a fight. and that fight is what matters.

so what happened that led up to and during the fight?

well:

they found out that Jonah couldn’t be killed.

if they wanted to kill him, Jon would have to take his place.

Jon said Jonah won.

Jon talked about how this was the Eye’s whole plan; that Jonah was just a place-holder

Jon also talked about the possibility of taking up that position and changing what he can, where he can to make things even just a tiny bit more bearable.

Martin saw and acknowledged Jon looked envious of Jonah’s position.

that’s a lot to take in. now they’re emotionally unstable, which led to the fight, which made both of them more emotionally unstable.

when people are emotionally unstable, they’re more susceptible to manipulation. the emotional brain is older than our neocortext, which is what we use for logical decision-making, among other things. it’s why the teen years feel so intense, because the emotional brain is done developing and flooding the brain with emotional chemicals, whereas your neocortext is still developing.

because it’s older, it’s also why emotions often overrule logic, why emotional things feel so intense, why emotional memories are easier to remember, and which is why many persuasion and manipulation tactics rely heavily on pathos and not logos.

so persuasion and manipulation are even easier when someone is emotionaly unstable because the brain is already swimming in emotion juice, your neocortext doesn’t stand a chance (unless you practice, and even then, it can be difficult).

cue Annabelle (who, I presume, is keeping track of disturbances in the Force with her web, or the Web’s...web) swooping in to take advantage of Martin’s emotional fragility.

while Jon didn’t outright say that the only choice left, Martin’s own worries about Jon’s envious expression and then Jon talking about possibly taking Jonah’s place, he probably thought that meant Jon was giving in. now Jon has stormed off, Martin is alone, he’s afraid of what Jon is saying, and he’s worried there might not be another way to save the world.

that’s the perfect scenario for Annabelle to offer another solution, when it feels like there isn’t one. now, he’s more “open-minded.” pathos, remember.

Martin is frustrated with Jon, he’s worried there isn’t another solution, and now, Annabelle is using another presuasion/manipulation tactic: the false sense of scarcity. see, when people hear “supplies won’t last!” they’re more likely to go out and buy it because it hits emotional/monkey brain that says, “if supplies, like food, are scarce, and we don’t know when we’ll have access to food again, we need to get this immediately. it’s survival.”

Annabelle is 1) offering Martin another choice, which he previously thought might not be there at all (pathos), and now she’s 2) telling him if he didn’t go with her, right then and there, that option would go away forever (scarcity).

Martin, as much as he loves Jon, is still upset with what he said. and he knows that Jon will most likely be able to find him. he doesn’t want to lose this opportunity, so he goes.

65 notes • Posted 2021-02-26 01:50:37 GMT

#4

hello i would just like to point out something the fandom probably already knew bc i came into the fandom 3 yrs late and now it’s been like 5 yrs since it first aired BUT

love that when viktor first moves to hasetsu, he says the seagulls remind him of st. petersburg but when he’s in spain for the grand prix final, the beach reminds him of hasetsu

70 notes • Posted 2021-11-11 17:41:19 GMT

#3

if “hurt” meant “angy” in the--you,you get it. you know the drill

original by me alskdjfkj (y’all it was abt s4. not that i don’t appreciate the notes but you’re several months too late lads; this is more accurate to how i feel now, after mag199)

111 notes • Posted 2021-03-23 17:05:33 GMT

#2

me: *goes to look up the mag193 transcript so i can converse with a friend abt jonah’s chanting(? idk what to call it)*

me: *see this*

Jonah:

— that stinks of hate and wafts to him with promise of the fast approaching corpse that bears his face and holds within its chest the promise of his own annihilation carved in gouges deep and ragged cutting clean through bone that cracked to splintered powder cast of empty blackened earth that is his home again but something’s wrong with what he see upon the door is written not his name but words that mean no more to him than jumbled symbols twisting in the edges of his sight that tries to focus on the emptiness around him but the mist that curls its bitter weeping ache around his legs that bristle up with shivered gooseflesh stained with red that’s not his blood whose blood he bled but this is not from him and yet he knows he loved this blood when once it beat within a heart that joined to his through choice or circumstance but now it stains his weeping edges scarlet gloating now of all the butchered ugly fates that might already have befallen what you still might boast he loves at hands that might be moved by others or that might just now be his what have you done what have you done what have you done what have you done why do you hear upon the gloating wind the screaming of his name as now he begs him please to stop the razor slicing through that flesh but there is nothing he can do from here upon the threshold to a house she almost knows to be a home but empty hollow and devoid of all the trappings that could once have given comfort to the pale and weeping shadow of her life that has been left devoid and faded at the corners like a photograph whose sepia-tinted warmth has drained to just a crowd of faceless staring strangers among whom once she stood to feel safe as houses no-one dares to enter anymore in case they trip upon the mouldy corpse of memories that once gave hope and now provide her nothing but a smile upon the face of something grinning at her sharply and with teeth like rows of hungry needles desperate still to stick through skin like cloth into a tapestry of suffering that billows in the wind and gusts like sails upon a wide and pitch black sea with no horizon in the distance calling one and all towards it with a pull that makes her stomach drop to know she can’t resist the waves that lap and drag her over and across the surface still as cracked obsidian but deeper that the world could ever dream as something wakes and shifts below they grab the wheel and cry in panic at their howling crew to ready for a harrowed doomed escape from what begins to rise below them —

me: *closes tab*

me:

you guys are reading this disgusting block of text?

[begin image ID: an image of the “You guys are getting paid” meme. It depicts a young white male with close-cropped light brown hair. He’s wearing a pink, red, light and dark blue stripped polo. His eyebrows are furrowed and his mouth is open in mid-sentence. He’s standing in front of an RV. end ID]

187 notes • Posted 2021-02-05 18:29:31 GMT

#1

jon @ georgie in this new ep:

[begin image ID: an edited screencap of Josh from the TV show, Drake and Josh. Josh is a young white man with short, curly dark brown hair. He’s sitting in an pale brown armchair, legs crossed, one hand resting in his lap, the other resting on the armrest, his hand aloft. His mouth his open in mid-sentence, eyes wide. He’s wearing dark blue jeans and a dark blue, long-sleeved shirt with red accents and a red and light-blue stripe across his chest. The edited subtitles read in all caps: I do not control the speed at which tape recorders appear. end ID]

395 notes • Posted 2021-01-14 18:57:07 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #posting bc i wanted to save this #didn't want to screenshot bc I'm on my phone #too much work #making a post every 15 reblogs is truly a feat lmao #love thatmy edit of the lobster meme for tma is my most popular post this yr lmaooooo #chirp.tag