#viewing life differently

[alostlittleriverlotus]

so my gf and I broke up/decided to be friends cause her romantic feelings faded. And nothing against her, literally I stand firmly in the "if you aren't feeling it, the relationship should be ended." It's just dealing with a lot of realizations that like: I truly am isolated from people.

(long rant, rambles and repeats myself a lot)

She still cares about me and we're staying friends, chatting occasionally, etc. But I knew if I distanced myself to cope with my fatigue and the fact I feel anxious around everyone except for MA no matter how close I get to them, it would end in this. I've had doubts cause she's never fully been able to support me the way that I need even if we were happy. We haven't truly had any problems since we were both in high school. A big reason I didn't break up with her is cause I wanted to fight for the relationship, but also I didn't want to lose her as a friend so I'm glad we're staying friends.

I'm mostly just sad seeing how...I just can't fit in around others. I get too anxious and awkward and it leads my romantic relationships to feel like friendships because my anxiety NEVER goes away no matter how long I've known them. I've dated her/known her for 6 years and still I was terrified of causing her to leave if I acted wrong. I do still love her, but I kind of accepted that us having a future together wasn't likely. It was small things like accidentally misgendering me once (one of the only times she uses my pronouns and she used the wrong ones), watching a Blaire White video about kids faking mental illnesses (I think she just happened upon the video and watched it, but it kinda scared me that maybe she was a Blaire White fan or sumthn), and then just small things where we express emotions very differently.

I'm always going to feel disconnected from others and emotionally isolated. I'm always going to have anxiety with people like my now ex-gf (I'll start calling her T now I guess) and Ray and C. MA is the only person that I don't have that issue with.

The good news is that like, I can date MA finally. And I'm not overly sad about the break up, it's just left me with feelings about my relationships with other people in general thanks to my trauma and disorders. I'm not dating MA yet cause I need time to process and I want me asking her out to be perfect, but yeah.

Like my anxiety will never go away with people. I will always be frightened and feel like I'm living a lie. I felt I always had to play up my parts and please her to be worthy of love. Communication was just...never fully there the way I wanted it. I'm more relieved than anything that we broke up because I really couldn't see us together with the different ways we were going. I love more intensely than her and I'm also incredibly emotionally isolated and switch moods so often cause of disorders and being a system that I'm pretty dissociated overall. I knew I wasn't getting the support I needed.

None of this is against her, it's more just a set of circumstances/a reality of a situation. I always needed more support than she could provide and she was more demanding than I could handle (not in a controlling way, but a different needs way.) It just really hurts cause it's a reminder of how...limited love is for me, platonic or romantic. How differently I experience everything from other people including my close safe circle of loved ones.

I can't even begin to list every tiny thing I need when it comes to relationships, friend or s/o. But I know MA will work for me. She knows...everything pretty much and she's the one exception, the one single person, that I can truly be 1000% honest around. I'm overall happy T and I can stay friends. It's just a big reminder. I don't blame her at all cause it's just how love and relationships can be sometimes and I don't really mind it. I'd rather be in a relationship with MA at this point cause there...I can get the support I need for my physical and mental disabilities. MA knows what I need and we've communicated a lot and I can do the same for her. It's also just a "flaw" of mine (not really a flaw, but I can't find a better word) that romantic and platonic love is nearly equal to me. I'm in love with all my friends and would happily date any of them. Romantic partners to me will always be friendships but an extra level to it. And I guess it isn't like that for other people. I'm also just happy I can like...be free to explore myself a bit. I love T a lot and I'm glad we can stay friends in the end. She's a person I want in my life for as long as possible and I love listening to her rants. She needs more constant love and I need love on my terms with supporting my needs emotional and physical. We have a lot of differences and that's okay.

Just...the crushing reality of loneliness thanks to these disorders. I'm never too sad about having personality disorders to cope, but like...the isolation and how separate I am from most everyone including those in my life is...such an isolating experience. Everything I did, everything I perceive, everything I feel is inherently different. From autism to schizoid and narcissism, it's just...an amalgamation of experiencing things separately. And that's kinda why I like Tumblr so much. The PD communities on here help me feel less alone and more seen even if our experiences are still different, like, I get it. And even if I'm unable to interact with people cause of being terrified of other people, it's nice to see people that experience the world in similar ways. I have a mutual on the mental health app I use that is along those lines too and I treasure them greatly even tho we NEVER talk. I love my mutuals a lot even if I never speak to them. That's enough to make me feel happy, to see what they reblog and what they say.

Anyway, uh yah. That's my rant. Just a lot of personal feelings and shit. Lots of feelings about how I experience life and perceive things.

#actually autistic #actually disabled #actually traumatized #actually narcissistic #actually borderline #actually histrionic #actually schizoid #actually schizotypal #actually antisocial #actually paranoid #actually avoidant #schizospec #actually schizospec #psychotic #different perception #viewing life differently #alexithymia #adhd #disabled #mentally disabled #physically disabled #I'm a mess of disorders #personal rant #chronic fatigue #chronic pain #emotions #emotions are weird #I feel apathetic while also feeling happy while feeling isolated #nothing makes any sense #I'm fine overall

[theygender]

The more I learn about judaism the more I wonder where tf christianity got all its bad shit. Why is divorce a sin in christianity when judaism has recognized the right to divorce for nearly a millennia and has codified religious laws for it. Why does christianity consider sex to be dirty (to the point where puritans considered it a sin to enjoy having sex with your own spouse) when in judaism it's considered holy and it's a literal mitzvah to have sex with your spouse on the sabbath. Why does christianity consider it a sign that you're faithless if you question your religion when in judaism that's considered an essential part to developing your faith. I'm probably stating the obvious here but I still can't get over the fact that there's no historical basis to any of this shit before christianity started, it's like christians just said "hey guys what if we took the torah and built a new religion around it but this time it was actively hostile to human life"

#rambling #disclaimer this isnt about individual christians im speaking about the religious trauma i experienced in my own life etc etc #these are just a few examples that I've noticed but they're definitely something #the part about sex in particular shocked me bc sex is pretty much viewed as actively evil in a lot of christian denominations #like you should only do it to create children and if you take pleasure in it (even if its with your own spouse) youre a dirty sinner #there arent as many examples like this nowadays but if you read puritan laws about sex it's like #you're allowed to have sex with your wife basically 10 times a year but you have to be fully clothed with the lights off #and you cant have sex on a holiday or a sunday and you cant touch each other and you have to try as hard as possible to hate it #literally WHERE did that mindset come from?? like for real #in judaism having sex with your spouse is basically considered a celebration of everything holy #and if you have sex on the sabbath (the holiest day in the jewish calendar—above every holiday) #its considered TWICE as holy #make it make sense #this is one of the things people mean when they say that lumping judaism in with christianity as 'abrahamic' religions is meaningless #theyre literally nothing alike #the only similarity is the torah but thats only half of the christian bible and one third of the jewish one #AND christianity interprets most of it completely differently from how judaism does #im tired #greatest hits #hall of fame

[pixiemage]

Etho Slab’s biggest obsessors fans, ladies and gentlemen

#Smallishbeans #Bdoubleo100 #EthosLab #Why are they like this. Why. #it’s like the two heads of the EthoGirls club have slightly different views on how to be an EthoGirl #and they have to keep each other in check #it’s HYSTERICAL #Secret Life SMP Spoilers #Trafficblr Spoilers #Traffic Life Spoilers #Secret Life Spoilers #SLsmp #Secret Life SMP #Ethubs #Boat Boys #SmallEtho

[theminecraftbee]

Joel turns around. Martyn is standing there. His eyes are a burning red that gives Joel the heebie-jeebies. If anyone would know to be scared, it's Joel! He would! He'd recognize a mad dog if he saw one anywhere!

Anyway, all of that is to say that his high-pitched scream had been totally justified. "Oh my word Martyn what are you doing here?" he says, clutching his hand over his heart, several feet further back than he'd been thirty seconds ago.

Martyn snorts. "Is the sign not for me? Figured there was no one else it could be for."

"The what?"

"The sign."

Joel turns around. Outside his base, the other Mounders have hung a helpful banner: "SORRY EVERYONE YOU LOVE IS DEAD <3".

He'd told them it was kind of rude, hanging that up. Sort of made light of the whole thing, really. His wife and Mumbo and Jimmy had died, guys, don't be idiots about it. Bdubs had loudly told him that he was TRYING to be helpful, Joel, geez, why don't you appreciate his efforts? Pearl had shrugged and said they don't exactly make cards for this kind of thing. Joel's pretty sure they do, actually but...

Sorry everyone you love is dead. Hah.

"My wife is dead, Martyn," Joel says.

"Who, Lizzie or Jimmy?" Martyn says, weirdly dark. "Anyway, my husband's dead, so--"

"Your what?"

"Mumbo and I got married one time. Everyone forgets that for some reason."

Joel has to think about it a while. "Huh."

"Yeah. Anyway, you've still got the other Mounders, huh? Don't know what you're crying about. Thought the sign had to be for me. Thought I'd show up. Get cake. Kill some people. You know how it is."

"If there's a TNT minecart in my base, the first thing I do after I turn red is kill you," Joel says.

"That's not really how it works this time," Martyn says.

"Yeah, well, screw you," Joel says. "Also, they didn't make me any cake. I should ask them for that next. Hah. A cake."

"You know, maybe don't ask for that? Parties tend to go wrong in this game."

"And who's fault is that, huh?"

"Hey, don't look at me! Or, do. Since I'm going to kill everyone, on account of everyone I love being dead and all. Really convenient excuse for murder, that. I should use it more often, if it didn't involve the crippling grief," Martyn says.

"Oh, please. At least you tend to have people to love in the first place," Joel snaps.

"Oh, right, that is your curse, isn't it?" Martyn says. "Sorta broke it last time, but you do tend to get isolated and a bit crazy. Hey, I wonder if we're the ones who traded, actually what with the whole wolf thing."

Joel blinks. "What?"

"Oh, we're all cursed," Martyn says. "After all, They like it better that way. Hey, do you think Jimmy's curse transferred to Lizzie, got cancelled out by the fact Lizzie tends to die stupidly, or got broken? Personally, I'm thinking random fluke, when it comes to canary nonsense."

Joel stares at Martyn. His throat is dry. "What?"

Martyn stares back. "Hey, I'm the mad dog this time," Martyn says. "You probably shouldn't be the one growling."

"Well then, you should stop saying stupid shit," Joel says.

"Stupid? Please. It's obvious everyone is cursed. Nothing to be done about it but to play into the--"

"NO ONE IS BLUMIN' CURSED," Joel shouts, his vision suddenly red and blurry in a way it shouldn't be when he's still on yellow. "NO ONE IS BLUMIN' CURSED. THERE'S NO SUCH THING! YOU'RE JUST, JUST MAKIN' UP REASONS IT ISN'T ALL A TRAGEDY THAT EVERYONE I LOVE IS FUCKING DEAD, MAKING UP REASONS THAT IT--NO ONE IS CURSED! IT JUST HAPPENS! IT JUST HAPPENS! IT JUST FUCKING HAPPENS! AND WOULDN'T IT BE BLUMIN' NICE IF THERE WERE A HIGHER POWER BUT THERE ISN'T SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT CURSES!"

He's panting. Martyn is staring at him. He stares back, a snarl on his teeth, the echoes of wolves and of grief, grief, grief, grief playing at the back of his throat.

"Joel?" Martyn says, hesitant.

"My wife is fucking dead. My best friend is fucking dead. One of my new possible best friends is fucking dead. Sorry about your husband, I guess? Get out."

"Bold thing to say to the guy who can kill--"

"I SAID GET OUT!"

Martyn stares at Joel a moment longer, and Joel finds he's not scared of the madness in his eyes at all.

Martyn leaves.

Joel realizes he's crying. The tears turn into giant, ugly sobs. Sorry everyone you love is dead. Sorry everyone you love is dead. Sorry everyone you love is dead.

"I blumin' hate caring about people," he says to no one at all through choked breaths, and he kicks a rock at the banner for good measure. It pokes a little hole through it and bounces off the dick-shaped tower behind it.

"Someone really should have made both of us a blumin' cake, they should," he says next, and he sits down until Pearl runs over, having heard the shouting. His face is red and his vision is still swimming. She stares at him, gathers him in her arms, and cries with him, and for the life of him, he doesn't know if that's any better.

#secret life smp #secret life spoilers #a bee fic #joel smallishbeans #martyn inthelittlewood #ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD THIS SESSION HAS INSPIRED ME TO WRITE APPARENTLY. #anyway the life series is a tragecomedy and everyone copes with that differently i think #i am trying to really CAPTURE the simultaneous tragic and comedic vibes here #anyway. opposing views on curses and causality in the face of grief huh?

[harmonysanreads]

thought of the day, aventurine who cannot stand coworker!reader in front of others but, is actually leading the [ aventurine x reader ] ship group in secret.

#one day you find that you're being shipped with your insufferable colleague who hates you and apparently it's a big thing in the #multiverse-net #and the account leading the ship seems to know *every* interaction in suspicious details #but you cannot for the life of you find out who is behind the screen #aventurine pays people to make multiple accounts just to increase views of those post #if he was born in a different universe where technology is behind he'd be playing with dolls that look like you instead /j #aventurine brainrot #aventurine x reader #yandere aventurine #yandere aventurine x reader #aventurine x you #honkai star rail x reader #yandere honkai star rail #yandere hsr #hsr x reader #edit: you can check the reblogs for more thoughts!

[wormtime123]

thinking hard. about last life grian saying about etho “he has no loyalty to you, he’s just immediately teamed up with the next guy that’s come along. if he loved you why didn’t he give you a life" and secret life etho saying about grian “he had to move on with his life, what was he supposed to do, mourn the whole time?" both projecting their own reasonings for ‘abandoning’ certain alliances when they turned south. these two being teamed and staying loyal until the end. can anyone hear me

#+ them saying these things to BDUBS & SCOTT #who view allyship as something so obvious and tangible #and couldn't imagine doing loyalty any other way #scott scoffs at bad boys bc he can't relate to how they show theirs #he can’t imagine not sticking by his chosen day 1(s) until the end #or at least in their name #and grian is nothing if not an expert at pretending he doesn't care #whereas etho has come so far from the guy who sent bdubs off to die #on the impossible mission to take out a red #but that might always stick with him. that bdubs never held it against him #again. showing loyalty in such different ways #just. clenches fist. grian and etho #secret life spoilers #can we tell i’m feeling unwell today

[iridescentmirrorsgenshin]

okay but the fact that we hear all about kaveh's life post-fall out with alhaitham, the fact he graduated, worked at construction firms and continued taking on others' burdens, had a hard time finding solo work because of how arts are perceived in sumeru, that he went to his mother's wedding in fontaine, that he took a vacation from work because he was stifled by the environment and felt he had lost motivation and worth as an artist, was determined to complete the palace of alcazarzaray at the cost of everything he owned just to have a tangible object of his efforts and view of art only for its outcome to further emaciate him, until he meets alhaitham for the first time in years, is understood at once, has no need to don a front as he does for everyone else in his life, is listened to, is challenged once more and reinvigorated in his perception of his ideals, is offered a second chance, a home, and accepts it, although he cannot comprehend why alhaitham would offer such a thing and yet not ask anything of relevant substance in return, other than rent

all of this, and we hear virtually nothing of alhaitham's life post-fall out with kaveh, besides his graduation and his taking on the job of the scribe. his character stories omit this part of his life whereas kaveh's is full of detail and emotion, mostly suffering. the first instance we see of alhaitham in this time is from kaveh's perspective when the two meet again in the tavern, and in this alhaitham endeavours to understand kaveh once more, before offering his house - the research centre previously allocated to the both of them for the success of their joint thesis before they fell apart - to kaveh.

we don't know why alhaitham moved out of his grandmother's house and into the research centre, why he renovated it from a research centre into a livable home, only that he did so after kaveh informed alhaitham through a third party that he was not in need of a house, nor do we know his thought processes and emotions in the years spent apart - the years that are carefully documented in kaveh's character stories. the image we are presented with is that of stasis; alhaitham pursues no other close friendships, he works as the scribe, owns a nice house within sumeru, is financially secure, and functions within, and carries out, his own ideals - is content with this way of life. in this, from alhaitham's perspective, there are no details necessary to give from this time

but in inviting kaveh to live with him, his character stories tell us that what he gains by doing so is the mirror of himself, both in personality and scholarly thinking, and in this, he is able to gain an enhanced view of the world, which otherwise would be limited. with kaveh being present in alhaitham's life, alhaitham believes that his vision is perfected, whereas it could not be before, with kaveh's absence. it is in this that we hear what alhaitham has been missing in his life, and ultimately, it is kaveh, not just as a scholar, but as a person

what is omitted from alhaitham's character stories is provided in kaveh's character stories; where we hear about kaveh's struggles, we don't hear about alhaitham's. perhaps this is because alhaitham did not struggle as kaveh did in terms of realising and achieving his ideals, but instead his struggles were in silence, recognising that his vision, and himself, had been compromised because he had rejected the ideals that served to enhance his own vision, that he had inadvertently rejected, and thus had been rejected by, kaveh.

#basically alhaitham's silence of this time period is very telling #its giving that inazuman proverb #is it basically that kaveh wasnt in his life and everything stayed the same and therefore there was nothing to challenge him? #yeah basically? obviously im not whittling his character down to him solely revolving around kaveh #but that doesn't mean he can't do it to himself #youre not helping your case my guy #but seriously alhaithams character stories explain the differences between him and kaveh in terms of their views #on the talented and the collective which contextualises the cause of their argument #their character stories are intrinsically linked because mirrors #which is why it is so interesting to me that alhaitham basically gives no information about his life after kaveh #and any information he does give is to do with kaveh in terms of the house which kaveh also mentions #haikaveh #kaveh #kavetham #alhaitham #haikaveh meta #anyway IM GOING INSANE

[jeiyuuen]

Honestly, how am I supposed to live normally with the knowledge that Luffy's flower is sunflower while Law's is Queen of the Night?

#I'm not usually insane over sun and moon things but #they can have it #And looking into Law's flower has been very fun and productive #gave me much to think about #this may seem like a jump but all I can think is that Luffy would absolutely treasure Law #I wish I can articulate my thoughts better but we know Luffy very much treasures what is currently in front of him #He thinks of the Law that's in front of him #Not the one who might not be there tomorrow #Sending my brainwaves to fellow mentally ill people #lawlu #lulaw #jeiyu txt #No because the sad connotations of Law's flower is the part that HE would focus on #But it's okay because Luffy is different #And has always viewed him as a good thing in his life ever since Law saved him in Marineford #Their reunion in Punk Hazard is insane btw because Luffy was really so happy to see him again I'm gonna cry

[solargeist]

joining the watchers is all fun and pranks until those wings start growing in and he thinks mayb he made a tiny little mistake

#cue the worst two weeks of his entire life #and then oh pretty white wings #this is my original au not the family one phphph #i view the watchers soo differently depending on the au and its goingto be so confusing #creatureAU

[bicheetopuff]

I think the people complaining about AFOs back story have forgotten what his character represents.

He’s a manipulative rich old man that wants to own and monopolize every major resource in the world so that he can be considered a god.

His entire being is a metaphor for major corporations and every politician and billionaire ceo ever… so him being a narcissistic and greedy kid isn’t at all surprising. He doesn’t have a traumatizing backstory because he’s a manipulative power hungry chump like he has been the entire series.

#he literally grooms children to his dirty work for him #he’s taken over orphanages and hospitals to create mindless monsters to do his labor for free #he’s manipulated people by giving them fractions of power so that they’ll bend to his will #he’s irredeemable and idk why people are surprised #also you mfs trying to compare him to Katsuki need to reread the series #there’s a difference between a spoiled kid dwelling in the praise he received from adults around him #and whatever the fuck afo is #Katsuki didnt fucking kill people #and he was never a narcissist #he wanted to be top hero because he was told his whole life that he could be #also Katsuki never viewed Deku as his property wtf are y’all on #bnha #bakudeku #bkdk #bnha spoilers #bnha 407

[lollytea]

I need to watch Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure to reach my final conclusion on if she's even attracted to men

#girl help i keep thinking about sharpay and ryan being each others only friend growing up #theyre not very good at interpersonal relationships #romance is foreign to them. they dont care about playing romantic interests because they only view romance through the lens of theatre #fake. not real. an act to entertain an audience. so they dont understand why it would be weird #neither of them have ever kissed anyone #sharpay likes things that make her look better #because her whole life is a performance #so she wants troy because hes a shiny accessory to her #thinking about hsm 2 where once again when she tries to perform a romantic song (with troy this time and not her brother) #she still barely fucking looks at him #all of her attention is on the (nonexistent) audience #and ryan. ryan hm #ryan usually performs alongside sharpay #its usually an in universe performance. theyre on a stage. theres an audience #and all of his attention is on pleasing that audience #an exception to this is during the gay baseball song #where theres a different kind of audience BUT #ryan barely looks at them #most of his attention is directed solely to chad #talking flirting teasing being cocky and annoying but clearly addressing him directly through most of the song #first time this has happened with ryan. take that as you will #ANYWAY i can see sharpay as completely uninterested in romance but she hasnt realized that about herself #and she THINKS she wants it. because she sees it as glamorous #or maybe shes a lesbian i dont know #she might be a lesbian #the deciding factor is sharpays fabulous adventure #if she has chemistry with the guy in that movie then shes just repressed and clueless #if she doesnt shes aro #or possibly lesbian

[tealty]

Posting it on its own as well cuz there’s something about Danny being naturally quite creepy in ghost form, just left of human shaped and unhinged about it too

Inspired by this thought by Paenling

#Danny phantom #dp #based on a prompt #but seriously what if how he’s seen in the show as just an inverted colour scheme is just how he views himself #and the reality is that no one recognizes him because he does not even present human when in ghost form #like hearing all languages as your personal one and responding like that but everyone else is hearing their language back #the perception is very different based on who you’re looking at #to Danny ghost behaviour is wired into him on a dna level #that he doesn’t even notice when it changes #probably has never thought about it and thinks he acts the same as when he’s human but he doesn’t #it’s not bad #but sometimes it could be #I bet his concept of death and danger is far more skewed as a ghost #and time far more loose #most people begin to feel the years getting in later in life #Danny doesn’t #to him it’s all the same #Sae has thoughts

[neitherabaron]

Hello Kofi. My HNOC brainrot is lasting longer than i thought it would be, but I am yet to understand HOW THE HELL DOES FORT GALFRIDIAN WORK. I've spent hours collecting information and I think I generally get how it's shaped and the artificial gravity thing. What I have not absolutely understood is 1. Where do the people live? Are they on the curved part of the cylinder (so they see the sun as a line in the sky) or in the base (which mean that they see just the end of the tube ig)? And 2. How do they travel through the different levels? I'm sorry to have robbed you of your time with my random rambling, thank you for all your work which makes me so happy everyday. Byeeee<3

So the movie Interstellar came out a few months *after* HNOC, but both Fort Galfridian and Cooper Station are variations on the O’Neill cylinder concept (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/O%27Neill_cylinder) so it’s not an original concept to either.

Interstellar is probably the clearest and easiest to find visual example of the main habitable level I can think of. I think this is concept art from the movie:

So as you can see, the people live inside the inner layer of the cylinder (think the inside of a cardboard tube.) The ground is also the ceiling and it’s all a bit giddy. The whole station spins to generate an artificial gravity effect. The big difference between this picture and Galfridian is that this station has the light source at the extreme end of the cylinder (and presumably at the opposite end too), which would not light the whole station evenly, whereas (according to all of us except Jonny, who obviously has a right to his opinion) Galfridian’s light source is a huge strip that runs from end to end of the cylinder, supported by colossal pylons, providing uniform light and oppressive heat (tube sun).

There are, of course, many lower layers under the ground where a combination of automation and operations crew carry out the essential functions, life support, hydroponics, weapons systems etc. How do they get down there from the habitable layer? The same way you’d get into a basement. Service elevators, stairwells, tunnels.

As Galfridian is broken, and there’s no longer a crew as such, these systems are decaying and wearing down. Some stopped altogether without the GRAIL. As the station’s solar orbit decayed over the years, the very outer levels became so flooded with solar radiation that even the Saxons won’t go that far out.

#the mechanisms #fort galfridian #high noon over camelot #oh also just noticed another difference between that pic and Galfridian #the interstellar concept art has the end of the tune open to space? #not sure how that would work from a life support point of view #Galfridian’s habitable layer is entirely enclosed #only the oldest and wisest of the ghouls who have made it all the way out to a viewport and survived know what space looks like #or are even aware of it tbh

[alyona11]

Ok time for my big Hadestown hot take and that’s that West End Hadestown doesn’t give you a 100% Hadestown experience. It’s still ridiculously good and 100% worth seeing, don’t get me wrong (I used my opportunity and saw it twice and will likely see it again if I’m in London), but it kinda made me realise a couple of things about OBC production that will always be my Roman Empire and make me deeply upset Broadway is too greedy to give us an OBC proshot.

So, here are some of my thoughts and reflections based on seeing Hadestown live on West End + seeing different versions (including London National theatre proshot) in boots. I think you can pretty solidly say that in Hadestown there are 2 main stories: Orpheus/Eurydice and Hades/Persephone. And even though arguably Orphedice is the main most important story, it my opinion it also wins from Hadesphone story being strong. Which works perfectly in OBC due to Amber Gray and Patrick Page delivering a very deep nuanced performances as their characters.

I think part of the success of Hadestown when it works on its fullest is how it creates a very deep emotional journey. And I feel that regardless which pair of Orpheus and Eurydice you have (if we take Broadway/tour/West End take on the characters) it’ll still work! Like you need to try really hard to mess up orphedice the way people wouldn’t root for Orpheus or wouldn’t empathise with Eurydice because they are so relatable and cute. You instantly love them, they are so so lovable. So orphedice part is one thing in Hadestown that imo works if not always then in 99% of the cases.

Hades and Persephone’s part of the story in the contrary is VERY hard to nail on 100%, in my opinion, and this is literally driving me crazy. Maybe seeing Amber Gray and Patrick page in professional recording awoken some feelings in me, I don’t know. I will state straight away that I also do enjoy other actors’ takes on characters and I do see some very interesting character moments there and there. However, I keep returning to the thought that Amber/Patrick’s characterisation works SO WELL for the main narrative. I’ll try to explain why I think so. Consider it my love letter to the OBC.

First and foremost, I feel like Hadesphone story has a very fine dynamic that the actors have to nail, so you would feel that: 1) these two still love each other; 2) these two are buried under their problems and see no way out, only a miracle (aka Orpheus and his song) can save their marriage.

And if the first one usually works at least due to Epic 3, the second one, imo, often (at least partially) falls victim to acting/directing choices which can cause troubles with point 1 as well. I think one big thing I’ve noticed is that often Persephone’s alcoholism gets forgotten in the acting performance. Like yeah sure her choreography includes drinking from a flask but in comparison to Amber you never get a feeling that she is absolutely wasted. Which, is in my opinion something that you should feel when you’re watching the show and something I was constantly forgetting about when I was watching the show on West End. I feel in Amber’s performance you can constantly see that her Persephone’s feel good attitude is a façade of a broken person who knows that her marriage is going to hell in front of her eyes yet she is too passive and hopeless to try to make an active change (well, she does try in Chant and nothing happens), so her only way is to chase the sense of normality that the “medicine” gives her. But when she is alone, if you get to catch a moment when people are not looking at her, you can see a deep sadness under her positive front and her memory of the old days when everything was more simple. Nevertheless, the main point that the lyrics literally say is that Persephone is blinded by the river of wine. And this is crucial to her character and her relationship with Hades because the story states that even though Hades is a problem and he is an active actor in creating more problems, he is not the only failure in this relationship. Persephone needs to be woken up from her apathy almost as much as Hades does and this is something that we see during If It’s True.

From Hades’ side I feel like it’s not a good decision to make him a total villain because when he is irredeemable you don’t feel like the whole “song that will fix the world” has any chance of working long term. I think Patrick nailed a deep antagonist very well. His Hades is weird and lowkey creepy and alien. He does objectively bad things but when you look at him you can’t stop thinking that he doesn’t operate in regular human logic or morality. When I look at him in Chant, it feels to me that his words about building stuff to impress Persephone are absolutely sincere, and I can absolutely see that his Hades doesn’t understand why she is so upset about it when his intentions are so so clear. Maybe it’s my vision but even before Epic 3 when he is so far gone and buried in his projects and messed up ideas I don’t have a single doubt that Persephone is a single motivator and goal of Patrick Hades’ life and that he literally doesn’t need any other being to care about. And tragically this fixation is what makes him blind to all other things he does even if those things ruin Persephone’s life (and other people’s but tbh I don’t think he cares).

I feel like by removing Persephone’s Chant 2 verse Hadestown created more problems for Hades and Persephone part of the story making it a much harder job for the actors to prove to the audience that Hades and Persephone have a chance to make their relationship work. Like I get that maybe it was a necessary things to do (even though I think the show is much better with it) but it made it so much harder to empathise with this particular part of the story unless the actors use the choices that work in the narrative. Because for example when I was watching the show on West End part of me was wondering “what is Persephone’s deal in all of that, what does she win by staying with Hades?” With the verse, and with Broadway Previews or London 2018 in particular this part was clear: Persephone still loves Hades and believes that he has the opportunity to change and become a better man he used to be. Without the verse, however, the actors should give you the same idea during the show which is a hard task considering Hades and Persephone have only 2 big conversations together (Chant and How Long). So apart from those songs there are only subtle mostly silent moments they get together through which the actors have to convey the same thought which is hella difficult and probably hardly will be appreciated by anyone apart from the people who sit closely.

So, maybe because in the actor combo I saw (Zachary and Lauren), I got a feeling that even though they were great separately, I didn’t feel much chemistry between them as a pair. I think, Persephone seemed pissed and tired of Hades all the time until How Long and I didn’t feel that she still believes in his willingness to change. And Zach Hades despite being entertaining, kinda gives the impression of Hades who has other options, he is not into Persephone enough. The only sparkle appears between the two in Epic III which is still cute but I’m not sure if it works just as well if that’s the first time you see the show? Also considering Zach Hades gives more malicious intent in His Kiss, The Riot it seems that he is not even slightly interested in Orpheus having any opportunity to succeed with his quest. Which is not bad, don’t get me wrong! But in comparison to Patrick who is deeply self projecting into Orpheus to the point where you could see that even though he doesn’t want to let him go, part of him does because it would prove he too could succeed in his challenge of waiting for Persephone, this take seems a bit lacking. And overall because of His Kiss, their promise in Wait For Me doesn’t seem as giving much hope that the story won’t repeat itself next Sunday. Which in its turn makes Orpheus’ sacrifice feel a bit… worthless. If on Broadway, when Orpheus turns, but spring comes again you feel like it is the start of something new: hopefully a kinder and softer time. On West End the show also wants you to feel it but when you think about Hades and Persephone you feel…less certainty that this sacrifice will have a long term effect?

I guess the creators wanted to concentrate on Orpheus and Eurydice more and forget about Hades and Persephone by making them more secondary story or maybe there was a lack of director’s involvement to give the cast some hints on how to make this particular part of the story work better, but it feels to me that in its current state the show works in its 85% power which is still great but once you know there is something missing you can’t stop thinking about it and wishing the show would give you those 15% you crave.

#me being me #hadestown #thanks for coming to my ted talk #I still immensely enjoyed the production and would come see it again #but when you know the show at its fullest you seem to miss some parts that worked better #also I was able to appreciate the same cast from different angles the second time I could see them from the first row so I could #get a clear view of their acting #and don’t get me wrong Zach and Lauren are really interesting to watch and I liked them #but also I started thinking if it was my first time to watch the show would I understand the appeal of Hades/Persephone line? #and I can’t stop thinking about it #hades #Persephone #hadestown broadway #hadestown west end #it’s also not about WE only but just about some characterisations I saw from different actors in different productions #I just felt like it would be fair to compare to the production and cast I saw life because obviously bootlegs even the greatest are not #the same #thanks for reading this long post

[crescentfool]

having the hc that minato is ace is incredibly funny sometimes when you think about how ryoji is oh so very bi because it's like. "ah. death stole my ability to be attracted to people," in the same way that ryoji stole minato's eye color and energy level. like wow, thanks ryoji, you just keep finding things to steal from minato!

#persona 3 spoilers #minato arisato #hc and au nonsense #lizzy speaks #happy international asexuality day to my fellow aces out there i hope you know that you are loved!!! 🎊🎉🥳 #i like viewing minato with the lens of him being gay / ace. esp bc it stems from my own experiences so it's fun to look at- #him from that perspective even if that's not what was intended by atlus y'know? #and im sure others have other hcs from me that are informed by their own life experiences and i think that's great ^_^ #something that i found interesting while playing FES was how. stilted? minato's animations felt when hugging the girls #you could definitely go with the perspective that it's a graphical limitation or they didn't have time to polish the animations #and that's def true!! but sometimes i see the hug @ yakushima beach + the other hugs and then i compare it to the sou/yo hug in p4 #and there's like... a noticeable difference to me with how intimate and close together the hugs are... #that said i do know that the animations for reload are updated and the hugs are much more natural (good on them tbh!) #the other thing is (pensive sigh). the way you couldn't reject any of the girls when doing their social links in FES #objectively speaking i'm glad that they did away with that and i like how the rejections were handled in reload. it feels naturally written #but also a part of me enjoyed looking at the “hey atlus what the FUCK” moment and thought of how to interpret it differently #specifically with the idea of minato having like.. little to no autonomy and kind of going along with the relationship #it kind of reminded me of myself tbh with like going along with the rship without considering what you want bc #it's what others want or expect out of you... LOL. i dont think atlus intended for someone to interpret it this way but #eh i think that's the fun part of hcs and looking at characters with certain lenses! #regardless of how you perceive minato i do think there's something to be said about him being the kind of guy who molds himself- #into someone that is needed. not wanted. but needed. important distinction here. #the one caveat my brain runs into when im like “minato is ace!” is when i remember thanatos exists and i go #“you know what these ideas can exist simultaneously” GKLHFHDFHD when in doubt schrodinger's headcanons #anyway that's all i've had this thought in my brain in awhile and haven't sat down to share it properly until now 👍 #have an excellent weekend everyone !!! lizzy loves you all lets all nurture our inner yippee!!! 🥺💙

[lizardlicks]

I've been having this thought that I haven't been able to really articulate? And I still don't think I'm going to do it right, but here goes my attempt anyway:

BROADLY SPEAKING, yes, the trope of everyone gets hetero married and has lots of kids at the end of the story is over done, and YES we absolutely badly need other versions of happily ever after because there is no one path to life fulfillment, and no one true way to find or build a family, or even one definition of family!

HOWEVER: it rings a bit hollow to me when I see other people taking this bit of generallized story crafting advise and applying that to katara and sokka specifically. Because they're not the ethnically dominant race or culture in the AtLA setting, not even close. They're based off circumpolar native populations. Their people have survived a century of genocide. Their story repeatedly echos themes of family, community, tradition, being forcefully stripped of it by imperialist colonizers, and the trauma there in. There's pieces of themselves they lost before they were even born, and both siblings are acutely aware of that, though they choose to deal with it in different ways.

I'm not saying that they DEFINITELY ABSOLUTELY must get hetero married and have a million babies to have a fulfilling ending, I hope no one reads this that way. I'm only saying that I think there has been a gap in the critical analysis responses of the broader fandom when they start reflectively sneering at stories that do have them content to stay home and raise the next generation, or whenever anyone laments about post show canon/LoK seems to neglect mentioning sokka having any family at some point it gets push back on with that exact argument.

Consider that it might be better applied to people for whom getting to raise the next generation in some way isn't itself an entire victory fanfare.

#like!!! #idk man it means something different #I still don't think I'm wording this good #but a people that survived as a group actual concerted efforts to make them and their way of life disappear #might just have a different view on generational continuity #than someone whose never had to experience their cultural identity being erased #Fuck it's late this possibly didn't even make sense idk anymore #lizard is starting to ramble #sokka #katara #watertribe siblings