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thiswasinevitableid · 3 years

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17 chosen and 20 lunar for Indruck, nsfw, please!

Here you go!

Lieutenants Log, stardate 10015, Joseph Stern recording

We’ve finally arrived at an agreement with the Aquariads, the species who control this moon. They will allow our research team unfettered access to the planet, but at an odd price. They requested one of our crew agree to be married off to a high ranking member of their governing council.

I suspect, but cannot prove, that this is not a desirable being to be married to. He’s a revered seer, and yet they’re willing to couple him to a human and not one of their own? Suspicious.

Myself and the other single members of the crew were all given extensive questionnaires on everything from our sexual preferences to our daily habits. It took me a good hour and a half to finish it.

After a full earth day of waiting, we received word that chief astrobotanist Duck Newton was the chosen human. I have no idea how this happened, as Duck has little tolerance for what he views as “woo-woo” things like precognition. But he was chosen all the same.

Because this is Duck, he grumbled a bit, but cheered up when he learned he would only be required to stay with his new husband for three weeks before joining us on our field word, and that we can send him specimens for identification and research. If we decide Aquaria is the planet we’ve been looking for and establish more permanent research stations here, Duck will be expected to spend at least a few days a month with the seer. Mama made it clear that if the idea was truly not something he could agree to, she would call the deal off and we could try another approach. Duck said that wouldn’t be necessary, and that he could think of far worse things they could have asked of us.

We deposit him at the seers home tomorrow. After that, we begin our exploration of Aquaria, fourth moon of the plant Oceana and (hopefully) the home of the antidote we’ve been searching for.

Joseph Stern, Lieutenant on the spaceship Amnesty, signing off.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Duck waves to the skiff as it pulls away, his planetside bag slung over his shoulder. There’s only one way to go; down the single stone levee, decorated with beautiful tiles, to the massive mansion at the end.

It reminds him of the photos of Venice he’s seen in old National Geographics, beautiful buildings floating atop a planet of water. He knows Aquaria has islands, but the majority of it’s cities are on or near the water because most of its residents live beneath the waves. They remind Duck of mermaids, with scaled tails and fins giving way to humanoid upper bodies and faces. As far as creatures to get politically married off to, he could be staring down worse.

There’s still the problem of not knowing why this mer is off by himself and without a partner. Or, as becomes obvious once Duck is inside, any company at all. The other high-ranking aquariads they’ve met come with miles of attendants; here there’s only the high, curved ceilings and rippling water. Maybe the guy is shy? Or maybe he’s a dick? Or just real fucking scary to look at?

As he walks further into the house, he notices the tiled walls are covered in striking murals that, when coupled with the odd half-light allowed in by the green glass windows, makes him feel as though he’s wandering through a dream. The pools and canals criss-cross the floor, and really the ground is more water than concrete, the fact he’s able to walk at all is a concession to the fact some aquariads evolved to be land dwelling.

A splash makes him turn, and in the pool to his right a black fin cuts the water. He steels himself to not insult the alien he’s now legally attached to. The figure rises from the water, setting his arms on the edge of the stony floor and Duck steps back as a wide, toothy smile appears in an angular face.

“Hello, Duck Newton.” His tail is the same black as his fin, and his silver hair is tucked behind ears of the same color, which Duck has learned can fan out as a way of communicating.

“Uh, hi. You must be-”

“Indrid Cold, yes. Apologies, a peril of my profession is that I will always be a little bit ahead.”

“Right. So, uh, guess we’re gonna be seein a lot of each other the next couple of weeks.” He aims for a joking, nonchalant tone.

“Yes, as we’re married.” He cocks his head, confused, then grins brighter, “Oh, oh I see, you are attempting levity because this is all very awkward. I, ah, I appreciate that. Here, let me show you where you’ll be staying” Indrid pushes off the wall, swimming gracefully on his back as Duck follows him down the hall. The center of the house has more skylights, allowing him to see that his host’s fins aren’t pure black; small silver and white dots are scattered across it. He wonders if he could find constellations in them.

“Here we are.” Indrid gestures to a room, one where the only water is in the form of two deep blue half-circles on the left and right walls. The center of the room is a large bed, linens gleaming whites and pale greens, and the skylight nestles against a chandelier of finely detailed rosey glass.

“Holy shit.” Duck sets his bag down on a trunk near the door.

“Do you like it?” A flash of yellow up Indrid’s fin, echoed in the dots on his tail.

“I mean, anythin looks ritzy after months on a spaceship but” he turns, smiles, “yeah, I do. Thanks for giving me such nice digs.”

“You are most welcome. Now, this room is designed to give guests privacy. See that red panel on the wall? If you press it, it opens the pool on that side up to the rest of the house, allowing myself or servants to come in and help you.”

“So you do have staff.”

“They’re, ah, more like errand folk. None live here.” Indrid clears his throat, “I can show you the rest of the house, although if you need to sleep I can let you be. I am, ah, not entirely clear on where your internal clock sits now.”

“Aquaria’s days are about four days longer than earth’s, so I ain’t too thrown off. Happy to see more of the place.”

Indrid nods, and Duck follows him out of the bedroom. Most of the other rooms they pass are sparse squares of walkways and still water, under which lies the parts of the house Indrid uses. When they reach Indrid’s quarters, he spots what looks to be an artists’ studio under the clear blue water.

“You paint?” He kneels and peers down for a better look, Indrid bobbing nearby.

“Indeed. Art helps me make sense of my visions, and I enjoy it besides. In fact, all the murals you see in this house are my doing. There are even more under water.”

“Damn, that’s fuckin incredible. If I get my SCUBA gear rigged up, maybe I can get a tour?”

“Scu--oh, yes, an underwater breathing apparatus. We have a much smaller device that can help you breathe and sea down here” he dips his head at the pool, “unfortunately, the one I commissioned for you will not arrive until close to the end of your stay. They, ah, did not give me much time to prepare. Hence the lack of many comforts I might otherwise give, as well as places for you to and I to talk, eat or do, ah, other activities together.” The yellow intermittently flashing up his fin gives way to a burst of pink.

Oh, right. Duck pulls up his infopad (given a generous waterproofing treatment prior to his leaving Amnesty) and opens the contract he signed.

“Yeah. About that. Says here they expect us to, uh, ‘consummate’ the marriage.”

“I’m aware” Indrid’s voice creeps up.

“Do you...wanna do that now?” He spins a finger in the water.

“I, ah, I beg your pardon?”

“I mean, seems like we could just get it outta the way, rather than have the fact we gotta fuck someone we didn’t pick hangin over our heads?”

“This...this is not at all how I wanted this to go.”

Duck looks up and immediately wishes he could reverse time; Indrid looks genuinely hurt, ears flicked back like a scolded dog.

“Duck I, ah, well, you did not choose me, that is true. But I chose you.”

“Well, fuck.” He sits down with a heavy sigh, “figured some big wigs used those surveys to pick me out. Guess what they say about assumin things is true.”

“.....”

“It makes an ass outta you and me?”

Indrid blinks, then snickers, “Your humor is part of why I chose you. It is very bad, but also extremely good.”

“Glad you think so. Pretty sure Mama was ready to blow me out the airlock for some of the ones I made on the way here.” He knows he’s dodging the conversation they should be having, but how the fuck is he supposed to respond when an alien mermaid tells him he picked him to be his husband?

Indrid swims over so he can rest his arms and chin on the stone, glancing shyly up at Duck as he says, “I suppose I also made an ass of myself, as you would say, by assuming you would not see this as an obligation.”

“I mean, even if you chose me, don’t this feel like an obligation to you?”

“No. For me, it is a reminder that most of my kind are too afraid of me to even give me a chance to court them. And that the council thinks I will get into too much trouble without someone to distract me now and then, and decides the company I am worthy of is an alien explorer with no interest in me.”

“I mean, the only reason we agreed to this is because there might be a plant on Aquaria that can treat the illness runnin rampant back home. So at least it’s for a good cause?”

Indrid flicks his ears, red running up his fin, “What you are doing is noble. What I am doing is being used as a way to keep your exploration team in line.”

Duck winces, “Fuck, I’m, uh, I’m just gonna stop talkin now.”

For an agonizing five minutes they sit there in silence, contemplating their situation and stealing glances at each other. Duck always tried to do the right thing, tried to live an honest life and treat the people in it with respect. He’s been kind and polite to beings up and down the galaxy. He can extend some of that to his own husband, can’t he?

“Indrid?”

The alien raises his head.

“Can we start over?”

“Yes. But I do not see how-”

Duck holds out his hand, “Name’s Duck. Thanks for invitin me in and lookin after me the few weeks.”

Indrid’s smile widens as he understands the game, and he takes the human’s hand, “A pleasure to meet you. I am Indrid, seer to the court of Aquaria, and your anxious husband in spite of the now-changing, much more pleasant futures.”

They finish their tour, the humid air less stifling in the wake of their confessions. Indrid shows him the kitchen, the sitting room, and the gardens which, to Duck’s delight, are as much above the water as below.

After that, Indrid excuses himself to attend to seer duties and Duck goes back to his room to unpack. As he’s putting away his toothbrush and razor near a large, elaborate tub carved from golden stone, one of Indrid’s admissions from earlier floats through his mind, bobbing there like a buoy until he gets a chance to ask it.

When they’re in the gardens, Duck taking notes as Indrid dives and surfaces with new things to show him, the human slips his feet into the water and says, “Indrid? You said my offerin to fuck you wasn’t what you wanted. What, uh, what did you want?”

The alien blinks, slowly, pink and teal flashing in his tail, “It is a bit silly in retrospect, but since I knew we would not have time for a proper human marriage courtship, I thought I could mimic the process leading to a one night stand; that way you would be romanced in a manner that made you both comfortable with me and the concept of sex with a relative stranger.”

Duck chuckles, “Always wild to find out how human stuff gets interpreted by the rest of the galaxy. How’d you even come up with what you were gonna do?”

Indrid crosses his arms, mock affronted, “I will have you know I have seen a great deal of human media, courtesy of our minister of defense.”

“Oh yeah?” Duck shifts onto his stomach, sends a small splash Indrid’s way, “what was this night gonna involve, then?”

“Food, dim and therefore, apparently, romantic lighting, dancing to sensual music, and then hopefully some kissing.” The pink in his tail intensifies, “and then working out exactly how to have sex human.”

The mixture of enthusiasm and being utterly out of his element charms Duck to no end; not to mention it’s the most thought someone’s put into a hook-up with him in the last three years.

“Seems to me you got the gist of it. Though I really wanna know what you picked out for ‘sensual music.’”

A playful glint enters Indrid’s glowing eyes, “I will show you, but we must go through the whole evening, otherwise it will seem like a disjointed choice. With, ah, with the understanding that you are not obligated to kiss me at the end.

“You got a deal.”

“Wonderful” Indrid claps his hands together, “wait right here.”

Indrid disappears in a whoosh of black and silver. When he returns, he hoists six opaque domes onto the floor in front of Duck, “I initially planned to eat in the sitting room, but you like this room much better, so we can have dinner here.” With that, he double-taps the top of each dome, revealing a confusing buffet.

“Uh, are those french fries?”

“Yes. You are from the United States of America, and so I chose foods that would make you feel at home.” Indrid points to each plate in turn, “french fries, steak, a turkey with cranberries, lobster, macaroni with cheese, and an apple pie.”

The pie is covered with an odd, yellow meringue, the turkey is the size of a quail, and the black shell suggests this is not a kind of lobster he’s eaten before, but Duck can’t stop smiling.

“Also I took care to be sure none of the necessary substitutions were poisonous to you.”

“Thanks, Indrid.” He means it; in their travels they’ve learned it’s not only humans who think everyone lives and eats exactly the way they do.

Everything except the french fries tastes strange but he finds the meal, like it’s orchestrator, intriguing in it’s oddity. Indrid brings two cool, white bottles from below, offers Duck tastes of each. One is like the celery soda he drank on a dare, the other like root beer if it wasn’t gross. He keeps the second one next to him as the meal progresses, Indrid asking him all kinds of questions about botany and himself. When dinner is over, Indrid guides him two rooms over, grinning excitedly.

“I will start the music; one moment.”

A few seconds after he dives, a chrome cylinder descends from the ceiling and music fills the air.

Ninety-nine red balloons

Floating in the summer sky

Panic bells, it's red alert!

There's something here from somewhere else!

He giggles, sits down so it’s easier to call, “Indrid? Not sure you got the right song bud.”

A silver-haired head pops up, “Not romantic?”

“Nope.”

“Hmmmm” He lifts a small, white rectangle and the song changes.

He was a famous trumpet man from out Chicago way

He had a boogie style that no one else could play

He was the top man at his craft

But then his number came up and he was gone with the draft

He's in the army now, a blowin' reveille

He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B

“N-not quite” The laugh is stronger now.

“Drat. How about….”

I threw a wish in the well, don't ask me, I'll never tell

I looked to you as it fell and now you're in my way

Indrid looks hopefully at him.

“Ain’t what I’d call sensual, but you’d hear it at the kind of place you’d pick up a date.”

The alien beams, starts shifting back and forth to the beat, “shall we dance?”

Duck blushes, pretends he doesn’t know why, “Uh, probably should have said this earlier, but I ain’t much of a dancer.”

Indrid swims to him, stopping close enough that Duck can see the lines on his face that reveal they’re close in age, “That’s alright. Sometimes conversing while having a drink is acceptable behavior, correct?”

“Yeah.” Duck doesn’t bother to hide how intently he’s watching as Indrid dives, his form elegant and ethereal beneath the water.

They sit sipping a hard cider that tastes of papaya and flowers instead of apples until the three other moons glow bright in the skylight. Duck yawns, and excuses himself for the night.

“Thanks for a great evenin, Indrid.”

“You are most welcome. A pity I could not make the music work.”

He’s here for another three weeks at least. And Indrid is floating through the darkening water like a dream he’s tempted to chase.

“Guess you’ll just have to try again.” Duck winks.

Indrid’s ears frill slightly and he flashes bright purple, “Yes, my dear husband, I suppose I will.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Duck’s routine is not the one he usually has while docked on a planet. Every day for the last week, he wakes up, joins Indrid for a leisurely swim, works on his research, and then spends his evening with a weirdly cute alien trying to accurately recreate the earth dating experience for him.

The second night, he asked if Indrid would bring him some of his favorites for their next meal. The steamed coconut crab was a hit. The mantis-squid served still swimming, less so. From then on, when Indrid put in his food orders to the cooks at the main court, it was for a mixture of earth and Aquariad dishes, each one leading him or Indrid to share an anecdote from their time on their home planet.

For the last two nights, he’s lifted the partitions on the pools in his room so Indrid can talk with him until neither of them can keep their eyes open. He wonders if it would be rude to ask him to stay, to sleep in such a small space just so he could be the first thing Duck sees when he wakes up.

There must be floating beds he could put in Indrid’s room, or maybe a hammock he could hang in the garden.

Duck now understands that Indrid’s powers make him politically valuable, but also mean his fellow residents of the lunar city see him as dangerous, as knowing things they’d rather keep secret. Duck understands, especially if their only time encountering the seer is when he glides his formidable, dark body from the depths of his inner sanctum. But all he can see is his Indrid, awkward and well-meaning, whose fear of Duck disliking him has given way to genuine affection. His Indrid, who now pulls himself up onto the stones so they can sit shoulder to shoulder after breakfast or before dinner, whose tail Duck’s fingers beg to caress.

His Indrid who is, at this moment, continuing his losing battle with earth music.

“How about this?”

Danke schoen, darling, danke schoen

Thank you for all the joy and pain

“Oh fuck no” Duck guffaws, “anything but him, ‘Drid, he’s a boner killer if there ever was one.”

“I don’t think he’s that bad, but I will be speaking to Vincent about his human music suggestions.”

“For the love of god, turn it off.” Duck flails for the remote.

Indrid sticks out his tongue, “Very well, but I am this close to pulling you down here and seeing if you can do any better.”

“You wouldn’t dare” Duck is still laughing, eyes closing as he does, which means he gets only a splash of warning before he’s yanked into the pool. He comes up giggling and spluttering, “now, is that any way to treat your husband?”

Indrid’s laugh is a siren song, “No, I suppose not.” The music clicks off as Indrid steadies him by curving his tail behind his legs, “how should I treat you instead?”

Duck drapes his arms over Indrid’s shoulders, “You been treatin me pretty damn well, dunkin me aside.”

A flicker of pink and yellow as Indrid rubs their cheeks together, “And if I wanted to be even better?”

“I, uh, I mean if you wanted to we could tryYYYYohfuck” he hunches forward as Indrid’s tail drags across his dick. The clothing on Aquaria is thin, so he can feel the cool scales tease his skin.

“Oh, oh dear, apologies, I was only trying to embrace you further, I forgot yours do not stay concealed until they’re needed.”

“You, you keep doin that and it’s gonna be needed real quick.”

“Oh?” red eyes narrow wickedly, “does my sweet husband need attending to?” Another drag of his tail, much more deliberate, and Duck grinds his hips in reply.

“Only if you want to.”

“I do, so very badly.” Indrid nuzzles his nose, “may I take a little while to acquaint myself with your wonderful body?”

“Uh huh.” Duck tugs his shirt off, throwing it onto the land and then giving his shorts the same treatment.

“Ohhhhhhyes.” Indrid purrs, fins and tails shimmering purple and gold. Then he sinks down, swimming in a slow, tight circle around the human. Pleased chirps and trills bubble up to Duck’s ears. Cool fingers play along his legs and belly, eventually finding his dick and offering an experimental stroke.

“Fuck” he groans, and Indrid does it again, kissing his navel as both hands rub and tease his dick and folds. Indrid is clearly experimenting, maybe even using his visions to guide him, and Duck eagerness to get off succumbs to just how fucking hot it is to have a partner this enrapt by his body, to have them explore it like some awe-inspiring landscape.

He spreads his hands out and runs them along Indrid’s torso and tail; the scales are just as wonderful under his fingers as he hoped, and he can feel Indrid sigh happily as he pets him.

Then lips close around his dick and he makes a series of undignified noises, digging one hand into Indrid’s hair to encourage him.

“Ohmyfuckinchrist, Indrid, yes, fuck please keep suckin like that.”

Indrid wiggles his whole body in response, happy trill underscored by a firmer suck. Duck can’t get enough of his body beneath his hands, of his mouth on Duck’s skin, and he wonders if someone can black out from how good a blowjob feels.

Indrid’s fin breaks the water and Duck runs an appreciative thumb along the top. Funny, there’s a little depression between it and the membrane of the fin. Curious, he drags his pinky along it.

The alien bursts upwards with a loud chirp of joy, “Ohgoodness, yes, oh that feels nice please do it again.”

“Yeah? My cute, needy husband need me to play with his fins to get off.”

“Not, not technically by my gods does he want you to.”

“Don’t worry darlin, I will--uh, ‘Drid? Is, is that your dick?”

Indrid follows his gaze to the thick, bumpy shaft emerging from his tail, it’s tip crowned with short, searching tendrils.

“Yes. Also an ovipositor, hence those lumps.”

“Holyfuck. Uh, I, I ain’t sure I’m ready for that yet.”

“That’s perfectly alright. Though it does mean my cock is not going into you tonight; I’m not sure I can control my bodily responses enough to avoid ovipositing accidentally.”

“Lots of others things we can do.” Duck bites the tip of one ear, making the other flare out.

“Indeed. I say we start with this.” Indrid’s tail encircles his waist just as Indrid shoves his cock between his thighs.

“Like, like the way you think sugar. Fuuuck, fuck that’s good.” The bumps from the eggs have just the right amount of give as he humps them, Indrid matching his tempo with his thrusts. He keeps his arms around his husbands neck, kissing him furiously. Indrid kisses back with a chirp, gold flashing in his scales, and Duck knows he won’t want to kiss anyone else for a long, long time.

The tip of Indrid’s cock bumps his ass and he groans at what that suggests about it’s size.

“I’m, I’m takin this fuckin perfect thing all the way before I go.” He bucks his hips harder to make his point, “gonna let you fuck me open on it, fill me up, wanna know what it’s like to cum with you inside me.”

“Oh gods” Indrid whimpers, hiding his face in Ducks neck as he squeezes his thighs together.

“And, and you’re gonna be a dutiful fuckin husband and fill me however I say, ain’t you?”

“Yes, yesofcourse, goodness Duck I, I’m-”

“Heh, you like that, mr high and mighty seer likes bein bossed around. Well, lucky you, because now that I know just how fuckin good you are at fuckin me, gonna have you doin it ever, fuckin, day.” He jerks his hips hard, three times, and Indric cums with a cry, cock pulsing as he sinks his teeth into Ducks shoulder. Duck doesn’t let up, chases his orgasm over the bumps and ridges until he nearly whites out with pleasure, clinging to Indrid tighter as his body gives up on supporting him.

After his cock retracts Indrid, still holding Duck up with ease, swims to the button that orders a cleaning cycle on the pool and deposits the human back on the stone.

“I dearly hope your team finds what you need on this planet so that I may see you beyond these few weeks.”

“Sex was that good?” Duck teases, petting Indrid’s hair as he lays his head in his lap.

“No. Or, well, yes, but more than that you are so, so very wonderful. I wish to get to know you more, to show you even more of my world and my skill in bed.”

Duck kisses the top of his head, “I hope so too.”

-----------------------------------------

Communication log between leader of Amnesty Mission at Astrobotanist Duck Newton.

Mama: Got some promising leads. Will be back to pick you up in three days.

Duck: Glad to hear it. But take your time, no need to rush only my account.

#Indruck #indrid cold/duck newton #mermay fills #alien au #terato

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per-ineptia-ad-astra · 4 years

Text

Star Trek Episode 1.24: This Side of Paradise

AKA Yet Another Creepy Utopia Planet

Our episode begins with the Enterprise heading in to orbit around an Earthy-looking planet named Omicron Ceti 3. Omicon Ceti is a real star, by the way—also known as Mira or Mira A, it’s a red giant and part of a binary star system with its sister Mira B. It’s not a real likely place to go looking for such a nice homey sort of planet, though, because Mira is a pulsating variable star, which means its size and brightness is constantly fluctuating, and it’s hard to evolve life when your sun keeps flickering like a neon sign in a noir movie all the time.

Uhura reports to Kirk that she’s been transmitting a contact signal every five minutes just as he ordered, but she’s only getting dead air in response. Kirk tells her to keep it up until they get into orbit, then moves on to talk to Spock. “There were one hundred fifty men, women and children in that colony,” he says. “What are the chances of survivors?”

Looks like the chances are, uh...not great. And by ‘not great’ I mean ‘nonexistent’. Spock explains that ‘Bertold rays’ are a recent enough discovery that there’s still a lot not known about them, but one thing that is for sure known is that exposure to these rays causes living animal tissue to disintegrate. Nasty. Evidently this planet is heavily exposed to these rays, because a group of colonists-- “Sandoval’s group”-- came here only three years ago and Spock says there’s no possibility they could have survived. Well why the heck would anyone build a colony in such a place? All Spock can say is “They knew there was a risk.”

Kirk questions whether they can risk sending a landing party down under such conditions, but Spock says the disintegration doesn’t start immediately, so they’ll be alright if they don’t stick around too long. The helmsman reports that they’ve successfully established orbit, and he’s found a settlement—or at least, something that was a settlement at one point. Kirk tells Spock to equip a landing party of five to accompany him down there, including a biologist and McCoy. That’s gonna be a fun mission briefing. “Yes, we're beaming down to a planet bombarded with deadly radiation, but no need to worry, crew, your tissues will probably only disintegrate a little bit."

Sometime later, the landing party—Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Sulu, a blueshirt and a goldshirt—materialize into a meadow near a dirt path and a picket fence. They’ve thoughtfully arranged themselves into a nice alternating pattern.

[ID: A shot of a sunny meadow with a dirt road, a few trees and a white picket fence in the background. Newly beamed down are six Enterprise crewmembers standing in two rows: in the front are Kirk and Spock, in the back are McCoy, a goldshirt, a blueshirt, and Sulu.]

The goldshirt, incidentally, is DeSalle, who we last saw back in The Squire of Gothos. The character was originally written for this story as Lt. Timothy Fletcher, but was changed to DeSalle after the production crew realized they’d cast an actor who had already appeared in the series. Yes, really. AGAIN. The blueshirt is Kelowitz, who showed up briefly in The Galileo Seven and Arena, and likewise started out as another character but was renamed after being cast. I don’t know how this situation managed to happen so often on TOS, but apparently it did. At least they both seem to have managed to hold onto more or less the same positions that they had the last time we saw them, a rare feat for any minor TOS crewmember.

The group walks forward towards some nearby farm buildings arranged around a dirt yard, with a horse-drawn cart sitting out in front of one of them. But there’s no horse to be seen, and no people either. They wander through the yard and over toward what looks like a paddock, but without any animals in it. Everything seems quite thoroughly deserted.

Kirk leans on the paddock fence and glumly muses, “Another dream that failed. There’s nothing sadder. It took these people a year to make the trip from Earth. They came all that way...and died.” Hold on, it took them a year? What, do they not give colony ships warp drives? Did they have to hitchhike here?

“Hardly that, sir,” someone says, and suddenly we see three men in green jumpsuits standing at the edge of the yard, looking very relaxed and also very not dead.

As the landing party all turn around to stare in shock the man in front strides forward and says, “Welcome to Omicron Ceti 3. I’m Elias Sandoval.” McCoy looks like he’s getting ready to spray the dude with holy water.

After the titles, we get a brief captain’s log to sum things up, just in case everyone forgot what happened during the commercial break:

“Captain’s Log, Stardate 3417.3. We thought our mission to Omicron Ceti 3 would be an unhappy one. We had expected to find no survivors of the agricultural colony there. Apparently, our information was incorrect.”

The colonists start happily shaking hands with the landing party—but happily as in “oh, it’s so nice to meet you” not “oh thank god you came to rescue us we’re all on the brink of death”. Sandoval says they haven’t seen anyone outside the colony since they left Earth four years ago, although they’ve been expecting someone to come by for a while. Apparently their subspace radio didn’t work right and they don’t have anyone who could “master its intricacies”. Now, I’m no expert on establishing colonies on alien planets, but ‘person who can work our only communication device’ does rather seem like a position you would want to make sure was filled before you left.

Kirk has to explain that they haven’t come to visit because of the dead radio. He does not explain why they did decide to come when they did. Spock’s comment about the colonists knowing there was a risk indicates that whether or not Bertold rays specifically were known about before the colonists left, they at least had reason to believe there was something dangerous about the planet. So why’d the Federation let them go and then wait another three years before sending anyone to check up on them? Eh, probably just another failing of twenty-third century space bureaucracy.

Sandoval’s not bothered about it, though. He tells Kirk that it doesn’t make much difference—the important thing is the party is here now and the colonists are happy to see them. Then he invites them on a tour of the settlement and casually strolls off, leaving the landing party to stand there and try to process what the hell they just witnessed.

“Pure speculation, just an educated guess...I’d say that man is alive,” McCoy says. Thanks Bones.

Spock says that his scans show that the planet is getting ray’d just as their reports indicated, so that’s not the issue. Under this intensity, the landing party could safely hang out here for a week if necessary, as per the usual Star Trek rule that you can be exposed to a deadly thing and be just fine up until the exact moment it kills you, but there’s a mighty big difference between a week and three years. Or as Kirk succinctly puts it, “These people shouldn’t be alive.”

“Is it possible they’re not?” Sulu asks. Great out of the box thinking there Sulu, love it.

Kirk takes a moment to consider that, which is fair—compared to the kind of weird shit they’ve encountered so far, the walking dead wouldn’t even stand out that much. But McCoy points out that when they shook hands with Sandoval, “His flesh was warm. He’s alive. There’s no doubt about that.” Spock fires back with a reminder that, “There’s no miracle connected with [Bertold rays], doctor, you know that. No cures, no serums, no antidotes. If a man is exposed long enough, he dies.” Okay dude, calm down, all McCoy said was “he’s alive” not “my god! Bertold rays have been fake all along! wake up sheeple!"

As Kirk points out, this whole debate is pretty pointless anyway for the moment—they’re arguing in a vacuum, and they’ll need more answers if they want to get anywhere. So they go to follow Sandoval, who leads them towards a nearby farm house, while a few colonists do various farm chores nearby. Sandoval explains that the colonists split into three groups, with forty-five people at this settlement and two more settlements elsewhere on the planet. Apparently they thought that arrangement would give each group a better chance for growth, since if some disaster struck one group the other two would probably still be alright.

“Omicron is an ideal agricultural planet,” he says. “We determined not to suffer the fate of the expeditions that went before us.” It’s rather vague what expeditions he’s referring to here, since at no other point in the episode are any previous attempts at settling Omicron Ceti 3 mentioned. But given that Sandoval specifically mentions the possibility of disease afflicting one group as a reason to split up, and Spock earlier said that Bertold rays were a recent discovery—and that the colonists knew coming to Omicron Ceti 3 was risky-- it seems possible that previous groups tried to settle the planet and, without knowing about the Bertold rays, mistook their effects for some kind of disease native to the planet. Of course that doesn’t explain why this group of colonists decided it would be a good idea to try to settle here again anyway, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few months, it’s that not everyone sees the possibility of dying to a terrible disease as a compelling reason to change their plans in any way.

As they stand in the farmhouse talking about this, a woman steps forward from another room in the house. She’s in soft focus, just in case we might forget she’s a woman, and instead of the green jumpsuit all the male colonists are wearing, she’s wearing green overalls over a lavender shirt, a combination that somehow manages to be an even worse fashion disaster than the jumpsuits themselves. She starts to say something to Sandoval, then stops in surprise as she sees the landing party. But for once the romance-o-vision isn’t for Kirk—it’s Spock that the camera zooms in on as the woman stares at him.

“Layla, come meet our guests,” Sandoval says cheerfully, oblivious to the wistfully romantic background music. He introduces her as Layla Colomi, their botanist. Layla says that she and Spock have met before, but “It’s been a long time.” Kirk gives Spock a bit of a side-eye for that, but Spock offers no details.

Well, all romantic tension aside, they do still have a mission to attend to here, as Kirk reminds Sandoval. Sandoval tells them to go ahead with any examinations or tests they want. “I think you’ll find our settlement an interesting one. Our philosophy is a simple one: that men should return to a less complicated life. We have few mechanical things here, no vehicles, no weapons. We have harmony here. Complete peace.” Oh yeah, that bodes well. Remember the last place we saw complete harmony and peace? At least that explains why everyone on this farm is using equipment straight out of Stardew Valley, which is presumably not the most advanced agricultural technology available by the twenty-third century. I’m not sure why Sandoval’s idea of a simpler lifestyle excludes vehicles, though. They’re not exactly the most recent thing on the timeline of human technological advancements.

Sandoval tells the landing party to make themselves at home, and they all head off. All except for Spock, who lingers just a few seconds more to give Layla a completely neutral look before walking away as well.

Everyone goes off to conduct their respective investigations. Sulu and Kelowitz wander through a yard over towards another farm building. Kelowitz isn’t sure what exactly they should be looking for, though. “Whatever doesn’t look right—whatever that is,” Sulu replies, climbing up to sit on a railing on the building’s porch. “When it comes to farms, I wouldn’t know what looked right or wrong if it were two feet from me.” I hope you enjoyed that line, because “didn’t grow up on a farm” is about all the backstory TOS is going to give us for Sulu until the movies.

[ID: Three screenshots showing Sulu pulling himself up to sit on the railing of an old-fashioned farmhouse as he says, "When it comes to farms, I wouldn't know what looked right or wrong if it were two feet from me." Growing up from the ground nearby are two large plants with thick brownish-purple stems and large pink flowers on top.]

Hey Sulu, what's that about two feet from you? Oh well, I'm sure it's not important.

Kelowitz opens up a nearby barn and notes that there’s no cows there—in fact, the barn isn’t even built for cows, just for storage, and indeed it only looks big enough to be useful for holding cow, singular. Having a storage barn isn’t itself that weird, although the fact that there is nothing currently stored in the storage barn is a bit strange. But also, as Sulu points out, come to think of it, they haven’t seen any animals here, native or imported. No cows, no horses, no pigs, not even a dog. Which is a bit odd for an agricultural colony. They must have had or expected to have animals at some point—otherwise what was pulling that cart?

Back in the house, Sandoval is asking Layla about Spock (once again referred to as a ‘Vulcanian’). She says that she knew Spock on Earth, six years ago. Sandoval, apparently having noticed the dreamy background music by now, asks if Layla loved Spock. She says that if she did, “it was important only to myself...Mr. Spock’s feelings were never expressed to me. It is said he has none to give.”

“Would you like him to stay with us now? To be one of us?” Sandoval asks. Layla smiles at him. “There is no choice, Elias,” she says. “He will stay.”

Elsewhere in the house, McCoy is scanning a colonist. He doesn’t look exactly happy with the tricorder result he gets, but all he says is, “That’ll be all, thank you very much,” and the colonist leaves, passing Kirk coming in. Incidentally, I can’t help but note that this room contains two paintings on the wall and what appears to be a cabinet full of china. I suppose the paintings could have been done by a colonist, but the china could surely only have been brought there. Who decided to pack fancy china on a year-long space voyage to an agricultural colony?

[ID: A shot of the interior of a farmhouse with blue walls, with a large wooden table in the middle of the room, a cabinet with china and glassware in the corner, a wooden desk with a copper tea kettle and some other kitchen items on it against the back wall, and a painting hanging on the wall showing some blurry trees. Sandoval, a middle-aged white man with short brown hair wearing a green jumpsuit, walks past the camera as he says, "Oh, captain, I've been looking for you."]

Kirk asks if McCoy’s found anything yet. McCoy replies that he’s surveyed nine men so far, ranging in age from twenty-three to fifty-nine. And they’re all in perfect condition. Not just healthy—perfect. Textbook responses across the board, from all of them. “If there are many more of them,” McCoy muses, “I can throw away my shingle.”

At that point Kirk’s communicator goes off. It’s Spock, calling in from one of the crop fields. He’s made the same observation as Sulu—there’s no life on the planet aside from the colonists and the plants. No animals, no insects. Spock doesn’t have any explanation yet, so Kirk tells him to carry on with his investigation and hangs up.

McCoy notes the absence of animals as peculiar, and Kirk says it’s especially so because the expedition records show that they did bring animals with them to raise for food. And pull their carts, presumably. But it seems none of them are still around. McCoy says he’d like to see the expedition’s medical records, a request Kirk has apparently anticipated because he’s got the floppy disc on hand with him.

Sandoval comes in and says that he’d like to take the two of them on a tour of the fields, to show off what the colony’s accomplished. McCoy says he’ll have to bow out, since he’s still working on the medical examinations. “However, if I find everyone else’s health to be as perfect as yours...”

“You’ll find no weaklings here,” Sandoval says, which uh, sure is a hell of a way to phrase that. “No weaklings! None of those miserable, pathetic sods with imperfect health! Only the strong survive! THE SLIGHTEST BLEMISH SHALL BE CAUSE FOR EXILE!”

Leaving McCoy behind, Kirk and Sandoval head out to the fields, where Sandoval gushes to Kirk about how great this place is: they’ve got moderate climate, moderate rains all year round, and the soil will grow anything they stick in it. Which is pretty miraculous, considering there’s no such thing as growing conditions that are perfect for every plant. But as we’re about to see, that’s not the only weird thing going on with their farming practices.

The conversation is interrupted by DeSalle arriving to give Kirk the biology report. Sandoval excuses himself to attend to work elsewhere, leaving Kirk and DeSalle alone to discuss the report. At first, it seems to be just as Sandoval said: they’ve got a variety of crops growing here successfully. The weird thing is that they don’t actually have very many of those crops. There’s enough to keep the colony going at the size it currently is, but barely more than that. Which tracks with what we’ve seen of the place so far: a couple of tiny fields that look more about the size for someone’s backyard garden than for a prosperous farm, tended by the occasional person idly scratching at the ground with a hoe. For a supposedly bounteous agricultural colony, that’s pretty weird. What have they been doing all this time?

“It’s like a jigsaw puzzle all one color,” Kirk muses, taking a moment to stroll a few steps away so he can say this dramatically in the distance instead of actually talking to DeSalle. “No key to where the pieces fit in. Why?”

Kirk’s communicator goes off. It’s McCoy, saying Kirk had better get back over there. “Trouble?” “No, but I’d like you to see this for yourself.” Of course. No one can ever just explain something over the phone, can they.

So Kirk heads back to the house, where the thing that Kirk just absolutely has to see for himself turns out to be McCoy just telling him what he’s found out, but he definitely couldn't do that over the communicator for, uh, reasons. What he’s found out is pretty interesting, though: McCoy checked up on Sandoval’s medical records from right before the colonists had left, which said that Sandoval had had an appendectomy, and had scar tissue on his lungs from childhood pneumonia (the weakling!). Yet when McCoy scanned Sandoval himself today, the results came back just as perfect as all the other colonists’. Kirk’s first thought is instrument failure, but McCoy says no, he thought of that and tested it by scanning himself, and it recorded him just fine, down to “those two broken ribs I had once.” Which sounds like an interesting story. But Sandoval’s scan? No scar tissue, and one healthy appendix. That’s right, Sandoval’s apparently managed to regrow an entire organ. Do you think you would notice that happening? Like, would it itch?

While Kirk and McCoy try to figure that out, Spock is hanging out in a field scanning with his own tricorder, while Layla stands nearby smiling ominously at him. Spock muses that there’s “Nothing. Not even insects. Yet your plants grow, and you’ve survived exposure to Bertold rays.” Yeah, how are those plants growing without insects? Presumably the native plants have evolved some way around that, but the ones the colonists have brought from Earth would need some help. Are the colonists just manually pollinating everything? Maybe that’s why they haven’t grown very much.

Layla says this can be explained, but when asked to do so, she just says, “Later.” Spock looks annoyed and remarks, “I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.” Hey! Cut that bullshit out. No one on this colony has directly answered a question since you got here, there’s no call to go ragging on a whole gender for it. Besides, just saying “Later,” is hardly a stunningly deft diversion, it’s not like she threw a smoke bomb down and disappeared.

“And I never understood you,” Layla says, walking over and placing a hand on his chest. “Until now. There was always a place in here where no one could come. There was only the face you allow people to see. Only one side you’d allow them to know.”

[ID: Three screenshots of Spock and Layla, a white woman with a lot of long blonde hair wearing a lilac shirt and green overalls, standing outside in a field with a large tree in the background. Layla, seen from behind, is pressing her hand to Spock's upper chest and saying, "There was always a place in here where no one could come." Spock replies "you know that's not where my heart is right".]

If Layla was hoping this little speech would prompt Spock to cry out that yes, she’s figured him out, he does love her but has never been able to show it! she’s disappointed, because he just looks uncomfortable and steps away. He tries to steer the conversation back onto the mystery of the colonists. “If I tell you how we survive,” she asks, “will you try to understand how we feel about our life here? About each other?”

That’s a pretty vague thing to make a promise about, so Spock deflects by saying that emotions are alien to him; he’s a SCIENTIST. “Someone else might believe that—your shipmates, your captain—but not me,” Layla says. Oh sure! Obviously none of the people who have lived, worked, and risked death alongside Spock can be expected to know anything about Spock. Only you are the Spock Expert, gifted with incredible insight by virtue of having a crush on him.

“Come,” she says, sauntering off through the field with her hand outstretched to him. Spock rather pointedly folds his hands behind his back instead and follows her.

Back in the house, Kirk and McCoy are struggling to have a conversation with Sandoval. Kirk tells Sandoval that he’s received orders from Starfleet Command to evacuate everyone on the colony, since, y’know, deadly rays and all that. He expects Sandoval to start making preparations. But Sandoval, calmly, casually, says, “No.” It’s not necessary, he insists—they’re in no danger.

But...but the Bertold rays. Sandoval is unmoved, pointing out that as McCoy’s own instruments show, the colonists are in perfect health and there have been no deaths. Okay, what about all those animals? What happened to them? “We’re vegetarians,” Sandoval says blithely. Which, as Kirk points out, does absolutely nothing to answer the question. Actually it raises further questions.

Sandoval remains thoroughly unbothered and thoroughly unhelpful. “Captain, you stress very unimportant matters. We will not leave,” he says, and goes back to gazing out the window, evidently considering the conversation over.

Elsewhere, Spock and Layla are still walking, and Spock is getting annoyed that Layla still hasn’t explained just what it is they’re going to see. “Its basic properties and elements are not important,” Layla says helpfully. “What is important is that it gives life, peace, love.” Oh boy.

Spock is dubious, but Layla pulls him forward, over towards another one of those large pink flowers. “I was one of the first to find them,” Layla says. “The spores.”

[ID: A gif of Spock approaching a large pinkish-purple flower and saying, "Spores?" The flower then sprays a cloud of white spores all over his face and torso while Spock recoils.]

For a moment Spock just looks startled, but then he starts clutching his head and falling onto his knees in the grass, dropping his tricorder and gasping, “No--” For the first time all episode, Layla’s absolute serenity starts to fracture slightly. Over Spock’s agonized protests, she insists that it shouldn’t hurt—it didn’t hurt any of them. But, as Spock gasps out, he’s not like them. Whoops, did the biologist forget to account for biological differences before handing out a facefull of spores? I bet you didn’t even check if he had any allergies first, did you?

Just as it’s looking like this might put actually put a crack in Layla’s blissed-out impassivity, Spock stops thrashing about and starts seeming less anguished and more confused. Layla’s concern vanishes once again, and she goes back to smiling happily while stroking his face. “Now...now you belong to all of us...and we to you. There’s no need to hide your inner face any longer. We understand.”

Spock still seems unsure, but then he takes Layla’s hand in his and smiles. Not the slight hint of a smile or sardonic quirk of the lips you’d expect to see from Spock, but a huge, broad grin from ear to ear. “I love you...I can love you,” he says, and then he kisses her.

Hoo boy.

After the break, we get a quick Captain’s Log to recap:

“Captain’s Log, supplemental. We have been ordered by Starfleet Command to evacuate the colony on Omicron 3. However, the colony leader, Elias Sandoval, has refused all cooperation and will not listen to any arguments.”

Sure enough, we see Sandoval exiting the farmhouse, followed by McCoy and an extremely frustrated Kirk. “Captain, your arguments are very valid, but do they not apply to us,” Sandoval says, as calm as ever. He tries to walk off, but Kirk grabs his arm and pulls him back.

“My orders are to remove all the colonists,” he says, “and that’s exactly what I intend to do with or without your help.”

“Without, I should think,” Sandoval says, and strolls off, leaving Kirk standing there fuming.

Sulu and Kelowitz come walking up to report that they’ve checked out everything and it all seems normal, except for the missing animals. Of course, they also both said they had no idea what to look for in the first place, so maybe take that with a grain of salt. Kirk tells them about the evacuation orders, and says he wants landing parties to start gathering the colonists and preparing them to leave. And by the way, where did Spock and DeSalle go? Sulu says they haven’t seen either one in some time, but McCoy says DeSalle was going to examine some native plants he found. Native plants, huh? I think we can guess what happened to DeSalle.

Since Spock still hasn’t reported in, Kirk gives him a call. Or tries to, at least—Spock doesn’t pick up. On the other end of the line, we see why that is: Spock's communicator is laying abandoned on the ground, while Spock himself, now dressed in the same horrible green jumpsuit as the colonists, is stretched out on the grass with Layla, watching clouds. The communicator beeps away while Spock happily describes how one of the clouds looks like a dragon. "I've never seen a dragon," Layla says. BEEP BEEP. "I have." BEEP BEEP. "On Barengarius 7." BEEP BEEP. "But I've never stopped to look at clouds before." BEEP BEEP. "Or rainbows." BEEP BEEP. "You know, I can tell you exactly why one appears in the sky, but considering its beauty has always been out of the question." BEEP BEEP.

"Not here," Layla says (beep beep), and they smile dreamily at each other before going into another makeout session. Meanwhile, Kirk is still on the line, and not getting any happier about it. Layla finally picks up the communicator and holds it up for Spock, who takes a break from kissin' to say, "Yes, what did you want?"

Naturally, this throws both Kirk and McCoy for a loop. While McCoy stands there with a "what the fuck" look on his face, Kirk takes a moment to recover and then demands, "Spock, is that you?"

"Yes, captain, what did you want?"

"Where are you?"

"...I don't believe I want to tell you."

[ID: Three shots of Kirk and McCoy standing in front of the farmhouse, Kirk holding his communicator while McCoy looks on. Kirk has a stunned expression on his face and looks around with his mouth open, trying to figure out what to say.]

Kirk plows on ahead, telling Spock that, whatever the hell he thinks he's doing, he's got orders: they're getting the colonists out, and Spock is to meet back at the settlement in ten minutes.

"No, I don't think so," Spock says casually. "You don't think so, what?" "I don't think so, sir."

Kirk has to take a moment after that one. It's rather amazing that McCoy's made it this far into the conversation without saying anything himself. Presumably he's just in shock. Eventually Kirk tells Spock to report in immediately, but by now Spock and Layla have gone back to kissing, leaving the communicator open but abandoned in the grass once more.

"That didn't sound at all like Spock, Jim," McCoy says, putting in his bid for the Enterprise’s bi-weekly Massive Understatement contest.

"No, it--I thought you said you might like him if he mellowed a little."

"I didn't say that!"

"You said that."

"Not exactly,” McCoy protests, and then somewhat grudgingly adds, “He might be in trouble.”

I'm sure McCoy did say that, or something like it, but "I hope Spock has his brain taken over by alien spores" was presumably not where he was going with it. He obviously sees this sudden change of behavior as something to be concerned about--even moreso than Kirk, who seems more irritated than anything. But then, it's only been a couple episodes since McCoy had his own run-in with an alien influence making people act a lot more mellow than usual, and he didn't enjoy that experience at all, so it's not surprising that "trouble" is his first thought here.

Kirk tells McCoy to take over the landing party detail and start getting the colonists up to the ship, and to make sure the party works in teams of two, with nobody being left alone. Meanwhile, Kirk himself takes Sulu and Kelowitz and heads off to find Spock, using the open frequency from Spock's communicator as a homing signal. They follow a dirt path out of the main settlement and soon find said communicator, laying open and abandoned in the grass just off the path. As Kirk picks it up, they hear laughter nearby, and Sulu points in astonishment further down the path, where Layla is watching Spock dangle upside-down from a tree branch like a kid on a jungle gym.

[ID: A shot of Spock and Layla among some trees at the end of a dirt path. Layla is standing on the ground and holding hands with Spock, who is hanging upside-down by his knees from a large tree branch, laughing.]

For a moment all Kirk can do is stare weakly at this weird spectacle. Then he collects himself with a stern AHEM and marches over like a principal about to deliver some very serious detention.

Meanwhile, back at the main hub of the colony, the landing party seems to have gotten well underway with preparations for departure, with several colonists and crewmen piling up luggage and equipment in the middle of a field while McCoy stands nearby overseeing everything, a job I’m sure he’s enjoying since we all know administrative work is McCoy’s favorite thing. Then DeSalle arrives, carrying a couple of the spore flowers and tells McCoy to take “a good, close look” at them, because they’re very interesting. McCoy steps forward to check them out right before the scene cuts away again, leaving us with little doubt as to what’s about to happen next.

During that little interim, Kirk and his crew have made it over to where Spock and Layla are cavorting. Spock just grins happily at Kirk, clearly not bothered one bit, even as Kirk asks if Spock’s out of his mind. He didn’t report to Kirk, he says, because...he didn’t want to.

Kirk glances back and forth between Spock and Layla, who’s standing there smiling rather smugly, and tells Layla that she’ll need to come get ready to evacuate with the rest of the colonists. Spock cheerfully says that there’s not going to be any evacuation. “But perhaps,” he adds, “we should go and get you straightened out.”

That really doesn’t bode well, but rather than ask just what Spock means by that, Kirk tells Sulu that Spock is under arrest in Sulu’s custody until they get back to the ship. Which will certainly work out well because it’s not like Spock is strong enough to chuck Sulu all the way across the field barehanded or anything. Not that Spock seems especially perturbed about being under arrest; instead he just shrugs, drops down from the tree, and says, “Very well. Come with me,” before heading off across the field, leaving else to follow in confusion. That’s how you arrest someone, right?

Of course, Spock leads them right to another group of spore flowers, which the group stops and stares at obligingly for a moment. Then the flowers explode a bunch of spores at them. Somehow, even though he’s standing right next to Sulu and Kelowitz, Kirk manages to totally avoid getting any spores up his sinuses, while the other two are immediately affected. “Yes...I see now,” Sulu says blissfully, with that trademark Very High grin that George Takei does so well. “Of course we can’t remove the colony. It’d be wrong.”

Kirk grabs him by the shoulders—Kirk’s go-to method for snapping people out of it--but when this somehow fails to bring Sulu back to his right mind, all Kirk can do is say that he doesn’t know what these plants are or how they work, but “you’re all going back to the settlement with me, and those colonists are going aboard the ship.” This stern proclamation has absolutely no effect on anyone. The whole group just stands there happily watching Kirk stomp back toward the colony. “I can see the captain is going to be difficult,” Spock remarks.

Kirk’s day isn’t about to get any better, because upon making it back to the colony he’s greeted by McCoy, who we can immediately tell is under the influence as well because his accent is absolutely out of control. It’s so thick even the subtitles pick up on it.

[ID: A screenshot of McCoy walking through a meadow with his communicator out, saying, "Sho’nuf."]

“Hiya, Jimmy boy!” McCoy very happily says to a very unhappy Kirk. “Hey, I’ve taken care of everything. Now all y’all gotta do is just relax. Doctor’s orders!” With a very resigned look, Kirk asks how many plants McCoy’s beamed up to the ship, and McCoy says it must be going on a hundred by now.

So Kirk beams up to the ship and heads right to the bridge, where he tells Uhura to put him through to Admiral Komak at Starfleet, though what he expects Komak to do about all this I don't know. But it’s too late. Uhura turns around to show that she’s smiling as happily as everyone else, and says, “Oh, I’m sorry Dave, I mean, captain. I can’t do that.” She’s short-circuited all the ship’s communications, except for ship-to-surface, since they’ll need that for a little while yet. Then she leaves, pausing in the door of the lift to tell Kirk that it’s really all for the best.

Kirk stands there seething for a moment, then stomps over to grab a plant that’s been left in Spock’s chair. He throws it across the bridge, and the camera lingers ominously on it as Kirk heads back into the lift.

Things aren’t any better on the rest of the ship. Kirk soon finds a long line of crewmembers of all different shirt colors, patiently waiting to transport down to join the colony. Out of what I can only assume is some desperate futile hope that someone will follow his orders if he just keeps trying, Kirk orders them all to go back to their stations at once. Unsurprisingly, they all ignore him. Kirk points out to one of the redshirts that this is MUTINY! but it doesn't get him very far.

[ID: A gif showing a young white man with brown hair wearing a redshirt as he says, "Yes, sir, it is." The camera then zooms in very dramatically on Kirk's stunned face.]

So...they’re all going down to join the colony? All four hundred thirty of them? Or four hundred twenty-nine, I guess, if Kirk refuses to join the fun. That’s almost ten times the amount of people the colony currently has in it. That seems like it could present a bit of a problem, because if you’ll recall DeSalle told Kirk earlier that right now the colony’s growing enough food to feed their current population, with little left over. How are they going to handle such a large and sudden influx into their population? Do they have housing for all these people? Or are they just all going to eat dirt and sleep on the ground because they’re all too high to notice anyway?

After we’ve had a commercial break to contemplate this shocking turn of events, Kirk takes some time out to give vent to his feelings in a captain’s log:

"Captain's Log, Stardate 3417.5. The pod plants have spread spores throughout the ship, carried by the ventilation system. Under their influence, my crew is deserting to join the Omicron colony, and I can't stop them. I don't know why I have not been infected, nor can I get Doctor McCoy to explain the physical, psychological aspects of the infection."

And indeed, just in case we had any doubt, we then see McCoy strolling through the field and happily telling Kirk, “I’m not interested in any physical, psychological aspects, Jim-boy. We all perfectly healthy down here.” Kirk grumbles about how much he’s been hearing about things being perfect lately. “I bet you’ve even grown your tonsils back.” “Sho’nuf!”

Kirk tries desperately to get McCoy to do something to figure these spores out—run a blood test, take a scan, type the symptoms into WebMD, something, anything—but McCoy is more interested in rambling on about mint juleps. Meanwhile, back in the farmhouse, Sandoval’s having tea with Spock while they talk about how nearly everyone’s beamed down from the ship and things are “proceeding quite well.” Kirk storms in and demands to know where McCoy’s gotten to, and Spock says he went off to make that mint julep. Which could prove quite difficult unless this tiny half-assed farm colony has somehow managed to set up a working distillery around here somewhere, but Kirk’s got bigger concerns right now than where McCoy’s going to get his bourbon.

Sandoval wants to know why Kirk won’t join them in their private, spore-sponsored paradise. Kirk asks where these spores came from, anyway, and Spock exposits that there’s no way to know—they just drifted through space until they arrived at this planet, which is perfect for them because it turns out they actually thrive on Bertold rays. The plants act as a repository for the spores until they can find a human—or half-Vulcan—body to inhabit. No explanation is forthcoming as to how Spock knows any of this.

Spock and Sandoval insist that the planet is “a true Eden” with belonging and love and no needs or wants for anyone, but Kirk is skeptical. “No wants, no needs. We weren’t meant for that. None of us. Man stagnates if he has no ambition, no desire to be more than he is.” Of all the things wrong with this situation I’m not sure “BEING TOO HAPPY IS BAD FOR YOU” is the take I would go with, but okay. Spock says that Kirk doesn’t understand, but he’ll come around...sooner or later.

Kirk, disgusted with this whole conversation, goes back to the ship. The bridge is dark, silent, and utterly empty. We get a slow pan of the blinking lights and displays of the consoles, with no one left to man them. Kirk walks over to his chair, hits the intercom, and starts calling one part of the ship after another, with no response from any of them. With nothing else left to do, he sits down in his chair and starts glumly recording a captain’s log so angsty it could be a LiveJournal entry:

"Captain's Log, Stardate 3417.7. Except for myself, all crew personnel have transported to the surface of the planet. Mutinied. Lieutenant Uhura has effectively sabotaged the communications station. I can only contact the surface of the planet. The ship...can be maintained in orbit for several months, but even with automatic controls, I cannot pilot her alone. In effect, I am marooned here. I'm beginning to realize...just how big this ship really is, how quiet. I don't know how to get my crew back, how to counteract the effect of the spores. I don't know what I can offer against...paradise."

Hold on hold on HOLD ON what do you MEAN the ship can be maintained in orbit for several months? Every time someone takes their hands off the controls for five seconds we get told that the orbit is decaying and they’re gonna plummet into some hapless planet within a few hours at most but now all of a sudden it’s fine to hang out up there for several months? MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

Kirk gets up to go sit at the helm, just to get a change of scenery mid-mope, and as he finishes his log/rant the camera slowly pans down to reveal the spore flower that he chucked across the bridge earlier. Which is weird because we just got a wide shot of the bridge and that flower definitely wasn’t there then.

[ID: Two shots. The first is a wide shot showing Kirk alone on the empty, darkened bridge, preparing to sit down at the helm. There is nothing in on the floor in front of the helm. The second shot is a closer shot of Kirk sitting at the helm with his chin in one hand, now with a large spore flower poking up in the front of shot.]

The flower promptly shoots Kirk in the face, and for a moment he just continues to sit there with spores in his hair and a “yeah, this might as well happen” expression. But then he slowly starts to smile, suddenly as happy as everyone else. Exactly why Kirk’s been unaffected by the spores up until now, even after hanging out for quite a while on a ship that’s supposedly been thoroughly contaminated by them, is never really explained. Maybe he's just on a lot of Zyrtec. But it seems even Kirk’s determination to not be happy can’t hold out against a point-blank spray in the face. He calls Spock to say that he finally understands now, which Spock is happy to hear. Kirk says he’ll be down just as soon as he packs up a few things, so Spock says he and Layla will wait for him at the beamdown point.

So Kirk goes off to his quarters to pack up a suitcase, the contents of which seem to mostly consist of uniform shirts. Apparently paradise for Kirk does not include one of those green jumpsuits, which, really, who can blame him. He opens a small vault by his bed and pulls out a couple of black cases, one of which he opens to reveal a medal. This seems to stir some sense of conflict because he sits down and stares at it for a long moment, but then puts it aside and heads to the transporter room, where he puts the suitcase on the platform and then prepares to set the controls.

But then Kirk hesitates, and stands there for a moment looking conflicted. Possibly he’s still having feelings about those medals, or maybe he’s having second thoughts about whether he packed enough shirts. In any case, he eventually exclaims, “No...No! I...can’t...LEAVE!” Then he punches the console for good measure.

Apparently this little emotional outburst is all it takes to cure the spores, because Kirk gasps a little, looks momentarily confused, and then seems to be back to his old self. “Emotions...violent emotions. Needs...anger,” he tells the empty room. “Captain’s log, supplemental. I think I’ve discovered the answer...but to carry out my plan entails considerable risk. Mr. Spock is much stronger than the ordinary human being.” Then he treats us to this remarkable line:

[ID: A shot of Kirk in profile at the transporter controls as he says, "Aroused, his great physical strength could kill."]

Down on the planet, Spock and Layla are still waiting at the beamdown point when Kirk calls Spock up and says he’s realized there’s some equipment on the ship that they’ll need for the colony, and he needs Spock’s help to get it all beamed down. Really, you’d think there’d be quite a lot of equipment on the Enterprise that a farming colony could make good use of, but I guess they’re really determined to stick to the whole no-technology approach. Despite this, Spock cheerfully accepts the explanation, gives Layla a quick smooch, and beams up.

But upon materializing, Spock is greeted not with a smiling Kirk ready to go move some equipment with his bro, but Kirk standing there holding some nonspecific heavy metal rod thing that he’s smacking threatening against his hand. “All right, you mutinous, disloyal, computerized half-breed,” he says, “we’ll see about you deserting my ship.”

Spock reacts to this bar-brawl-starter with nothing more than a nonplussed expression and polite correcting Kirk on his syntax. Kirk, determination unshaken, continues laying into him with a stream of insults that would have made that fucker from Balance of Terror go, “Whoa, hold on there a minute.” Undeterred by not being able to use any actual expletives, he compares Spock both to a machine and to various fairy-tale creatures, makes fun of his ears, and rounds it all off by having a go at the entire Vulcan race. He even insults Spock’s parents.

[ID: 1. A shot of Spock standing in the transporter room looking perplexed as Kirk, off-camera, says, "Whose father was a computer and his mother an encyclopedia?" 2. A gif from Monty Python and the Holy Grail of John Cleese as the French knight on the battlements yelling, "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"]

Spock stands there taking it all stoically for quite a while, even as the background music gets increasingly tense. He finally starts to crack when Kirk goes after Spock’s relationship with Layla, and when Kirk keeps going despite Spock angrily telling him, “That’s enough,” Spock finally flips out big time. You know what that means, it’s time for a STAR TREK FIGHT SCENE! This one’s got it all: close-up shots of the actors intercut with long shots of very obvious stunt doubles; cardboard props getting punched; even people picking up random unidentifiable bits of starship equipment that may or may not have ever been there before to use as weapons. The only thing we’re missing is Kirk doing some kind of weird wrestling move.

[ID: Three gifs showing a fight scene between Kirk and Spock. First we see a long shot where Kirk and Spock are clearly being played by stunt doubles, as Spock punches a metal rod Kirk is holding, bending it in half. He then punches Kirk in the jaw, sending him careening into the wall. Then a close-up of Nimoy and Shatner as Spock advances on Kirk and throws a punch but misses, denting the control panel in the wall behind Kirk. Kirk dodges out of the way towards the console, and Spock throws another punch that hits the side of the console. Then back to a long view with the stunt doubles as Spock throws Kirk into the opposite wall, which Kirk careens off of, falling on his back on the floor, while Spock picks up something resembling a square metal stool or stepladder and raises it over his head. Finally, we see Nimoy and Shatner again as Kirk lays on the floor looking up at Spock, raising the thing he's carrying over his head.]

We dramatically cut to black as Spock stands poised above Kirk, raising whatever-the-hell-that-thing-is over his head threateningly. Apparently the ad break gives him enough time to cool down, though, because instead of bringing the thing down on Kirk’s skull, he hesitates.

“Had enough?” Kirk asks. “I didn’t realize what it took to get under that thick hide of yours.”

Spock slowly lowers the thing, looking a bit regretful about having to do so. Kirk says he doesn’t know what Spock’s so mad about, anyway. “It isn’t every first officer who gets to belt his captain...several times.” Dude, you just stood there and unleashed a screed of personal and racial insults at your best friend here. A “sorry” probably wouldn’t go amiss here.

“You did that to me deliberately,” Spock realizes, and then realizes that the spores are gone. “I don’t belong anymore.” Kirk explains that since the spores are “benevolent and peaceful,” violent emotions overwhelm and destroy them—that’s the answer. Which...definitely makes sense, chemically speaking. Sure.

Spock, still looking pretty glum about all this, points out that Kirk’s method might have worked out alright for curing one person, but they’ve got over five hundred infected people down there, and trying to pick a fight with all of them probably isn’t going to go so well. But no worries, Kirk’s got another plan. He wants Spock to rig up a subsonic transmitter that they can hook up to the ship’s communications system and then broadcast to all the communicators. Spock says he can do that, but hesitates as Kirk turns to leave. “Captain. Striking a fellow officer is a court martial offense,” he points out.

Kirk mulls over that one for a moment. “We-ll...if we’re both in the brig, who’s gonna build the subsonic transmitter?” he says, and Spock concedes the point. Besides, it’s a bit late to be worrying about striking fellow officers now.

[ID: A gif from The Naked Time of Kirk and Spock standing in an Enterprise conference room. Kirk slaps Spock across the face, and Spock retaliates by backhanding Kirk so hard he is thrown across the table in the center of the room and falls onto the floor on the other side.]

But what with the insults and the punching and de-sporing and everything, it seems that something has clean slipped Spock’s mind: Layla’s still down there waiting for him to come back. As she stands around the field, McCoy wanders over and asks what’s up. When she tells him that she’s been out here for some time now waiting for Spock and Kirk to come back, he gentlemanly offers to fix that for her and calls the ship. Spock picks up, and Layla asks if everything’s okay up there.

With obvious discomfort, Spock tells her that yes, he’s...quite well. Layla, oblivious to anything being wrong, asks if she can come up there, because she wants to talk to him, and besides, “I’ve never seen a starship before.” Wait a minute, never seen a starship before? You’re on a planetary colony! What, did you drive here?

Spock asks if she’s still at the beamdown point, and if McCoy’s there. Layla says yes to both, so Spock tells her to give the communicator back to McCoy, since she won’t need it to transport, and he’ll have her beamed up in a few minutes. One might think that at this point they might take this easy opportunity to also beam up McCoy and get him cured (it shouldn’t be hard, McCoy is already 85% comprised of negative emotions to begin with), so he can start investigating these spores, just in case Operation Go For the Eardrums doesn’t work. But they don’t. Kirk awkwardly asks Spock if he’s sure about talking to Layla while she’s still spore’d, but Spock just nods and heads to the transporter room.

He beams Layla up, and she happily runs over to give him a hug—they’ve been parted ever so long, after all—but when he just stands there stiffly, not reacting at all, she slowly pulls back and says, “You’re no longer with us, are you?”

Spock says it was necessary. Layla begs him to come back to the planet and belong again, but he says he can’t. She starts crying and saying she loves him. "I said that six years ago, and I can't seem to stop repeating myself. On Earth, you couldn't give anything of yourself. You couldn't even put your arms around me. We couldn't have anything together there. We couldn't have anything together anyplace else. But we're happy here. I can't lose you now, Mr. Spock, I can't." Look, if the only time the relationship you want can possibly work out is when the other person is being mind-controlled by alien spores, I think it may be time to consider whether this is really a relationship you should be pursuing in the first place.

“I have a responsibility to this ship...to that man on the bridge,” Spock gently tells her. “I am what I am, Layla. And if there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them. Mine can be no worse than someone else’s.”

Layla soon realizes that all this anguish has resulted in her getting de-spore’d as well, and she’s not happy about it. “And this is for my own good?” she demands angrily. Well...yes, I mean, it is, but Spock doesn’t say that. Nor does he respond when she asks, “Do you mind if I say I still love you?” but she hugs him again anyway.

[ID: Layla tearfully embraces Spock and says, "You never told me if you had another name, Mr. Spock." Spock replies, "You couldn't pronounce it."]

ROMANCE

We’re obviously supposed to read this little story arc as the tragic tale of true love destined never to be, because Spock is only able to express his feelings for Layla under the influence of the spores. He has experienced paradise, but alas, he cannot linger there, and so on. It’s never set all that well with me, though. The problem is we never really get Spock’s side of the story and so it leaves open the question of how much he actually did want this relationship in the first place. Layla said earlier that “Mr. Spock’s feelings were never expressed to me” so evidently he never outright said “I love you but I can’t be with you” or anything of that sort to her. When they’re alone in the field before Spock gets spore’d he seems stiff, standoffish, awkward, and deflects all of her overtures with what appears to be discomfort, even annoyance. He clearly has no interest in talking about whatever history they had together, even when they’re all alone. For all that Layla goes on about how she can see a side of Spock that his crewmates don’t, we see interactions with those crewmates multiple times throughout the show that prove that Spock is perfectly capable of showing people that he cares about them, even if the ways he does it are usually a bit atypical. We don’t see any of that in his initial interactions with Layla.

If we accept the premise that the spores only make people act as they would if they had no inhibitions or fears holding them back, then yes, Spock saying he loves Layla after he’s been spore’d would indicate that he did secretly love her all along. The problem is that we know the spores make people do things that they would not ordinarily want to do. You think all of those four hundred thirty people on the Enterprise secretly longed for a quiet life among the soil but all chose to instead join the space navy for some reason? Should we believe Scotty is actually deep down perfectly okay with abandoning his beloved ship to a slowly decaying orbit? I doubt that Kirk has always harbored a subconscious desire to give up exploring the final frontier to pursue a peaceful agrarian lifestyle, but he very nearly does do just that. So the question of how much a relationship with Layla is what Spock “really” wanted seems to be a bit hazy.

Mind, I’m not saying this makes Layla an evil person who deliberately drugged Spock so she could have a relationship with him or anything like that. It’s clear throughout the episode that the spores induce those who are infected by them to spread them around to anyone nearby who’s not in the spore fandom yet, so there’s no reason to believe Layla would act as she did if she wasn’t under the influence herself. I just personally find it hard to buy into the tragic romance of a star-crossed relationship when the thing crossing the stars is that one of the participants is only enthusiastic about the whole thing when they’re not fully sober. It makes me question how much of their previous relationship really was Spock having feelings for Layla but being unable to express them, versus Layla projecting a lot of feelings onto him and writing off his disinterest or discomfort as denial.

Kirk and Spock go back to working on the signal, while Layla deals with her heartbreak by disappearing into thin air for the rest of the episode. Spock says that the sound they’re going to send out is on a frequency that won’t be heard so much as felt, but apparently it will be felt quite emphatically. Kirk compares it to putting itching powder on someone. Which may seem like another silly technobabble deus ex machina, but speaking from personal experience, driving someone into a frantic frustrated fit by playing an obnoxious noise just on the edge of hearing sounds totally legit. All they need to complete the sensory overload meltdown experience is find a way to simulate some flickering florescent lights and put tags on the backs of the uniform shirts.

And indeed, as the device starts to work, we see Sulu and DeSalle working in one of the fields—for a certain value of ‘working,’ anyway, they’re kind of just digging around aimlessly—when Sulu accidentally elbows DeSalle in the back. He apologizes, but DeSalle shoves him back, and before long they’re having a full-on brawl right there in the field, which can't be good for the crops. As the device on the ship hums away, two more crewmembers start their own fight over by the farmhouse, and when a third tries to break them up he promptly gets dragged into it as well.

The effects haven’t quite reached everyone just yet, though, as we see McCoy chillaxing under a tree with some unspecified concoction. Sandoval strolls up and says that he’s been thinking about what sort of work he could assign McCoy to. When McCoy protests that he does one kind of work and that’s doctorin’, Sandoval says that he’s not a doctor anymore—they don’t need any doctors here.

This does not go over well.

[ID: A gif showing McCoy reclining against a tree in a grassy meadow, a stalk of grass in one hand and a grass of something brown with several leafy stalks in it. Sandoval is standing over him. McCoy says, "Oh, no?" and then slowly stands up, tosses his grass stalk aside, looks Sandoval in the eye and says, "Would you like to see just how fast I can put you in a hospital?"]

Undeterred, Sandoval says that he’s the leader and he’ll be assigning McCoy whatever work he wants to, but when he tries to walk away McCoy pulls him back and snarls, “You’d better make me a mechanic. Then I can treat little tin gods like you.” Sandoval throws a punch at him, but McCoy dodges and whacks Sandoval in the stomach, putting him out flat on the ground. See, I told you it wouldn’t be hard to cure McCoy. Everyone else on the Enterprise was perfectly happy to give up their careers to go do a bit of light farming, but tell McCoy he can’t be a doctor anymore and no amount of spores are going to save you.

While Sandoval is busy rolling around on the ground, McCoy stands there looking confused for a moment, then—presumably having only just now noticed that instead of a mint julep he’s actually been drinking a coke with a bunch of cilantro in it—throws his drink aside and admits that he’s not sure why he just clobbered Sandoval. But Sandoval has other concerns for the moment. With a look of dawning horror familiar to all us chronic procrastinators, he abruptly realizes that they haven’t actually been doing anything all this time. “No accomplishments, no progress. Three years wasted. We wanted to make this planet a garden...”

McCoy points out that the colonists really will have to leave—they can’t survive here without the spores handling all that radiation for them. But the dream’s not over; the colonists could be relocated to start again somewhere a bit less deadly, if that’s what they want.

“I think I’d...I think we’d like to get some work done,” Sandoval muses. “The work we set out to do.”

McCoy calls Spock and says that Sandoval wants to talk to Kirk. Spock notes to Kirk that the crew are all starting to rather sheepishly call in by now. Sandoval tells Kirk that the colonists will fully cooperate with the evacuation now, and Kirk tells him to start making the preparations. Real ones, this time.

Sometime later, everyone’s back on the bridge getting ready to head out. McCoy reports that he’s examined all the colonists and they all remain in perfect health. “A fringe benefit left over by the spores.”

One would think that this would have been quite the eventful afternoon for the medical sciences, given that they just discovered spores with such incredible healing powers that they can make people regrow organs, and McCoy just confirmed that anything healed by the spores stays healed after the spores are gone. Sure, they’ve got some side effects, but Kirk’s already discovered a simple way to get rid of the things once they’re no longer needed. Strap someone to a bed, give em a facemask full of spores, let them lay there for a while having a nice buzz while they heal their cancer or whatever, then play an irritating noise at them until they sneeze the spores back out again. Boom. Done. You’ve solved medicine. Or, y’know, we could vacate the planet and never speak of it ever again, that works too.

Notably unmentioned by anybody during this little denouement is the fate of the other two settlements on the planet that Sandoval mentioned back near the beginning of the episode. The length of the timeskip isn’t specified, so it’s possible that the crew went and collected them as well in the interim, but we never get any details as to how that little adventure went, assuming that it did happen and that the Enterprise isn’t about to get halfway to the next starbase before Kirk realizes he forgot something.

As they watch the planet diminish behind them on the viewscreen, McCoy muses that this was “the second time man’s been thrown out of paradise.” Kirk disagrees. "No, no, Bones, this time we walked out on our own. Maybe we weren't meant for paradise. Maybe we were meant to fight our way through--struggle, claw our way up, scratch for every inch of the way. Maybe we can't stroll to the music of the lute. We must march to the sound of drums."

Spock remains unimpressed by this bit of philosophizing. “Poetry, Captain. Nonregulation.” Kirk notes that they haven’t heard anything from Spock about this whole ordeal, since, y’know, that definitely seems like something Spock would want to talk about. He says he’s got little to say about Omicron Ceti 3.

[ID: A close-up of Spock on the bridge as he says, "Except that for the first time in my life...I was happy."]

oh my god someone needs therapy

On that INCREDIBLY CHEERFUL note, the Enterprise flies away and the episode ends.

It’s somewhat baffling to me that of all the quite reasonable objections available to the whole situation with the spores, the main problem that Kirk—and by extension, the episode—seems to have is that “the spores make things too EASY and mankind was meant to STRUGGLE!!!” I mean, effectively what we had going on here was people being drugged without their consent into a state that overwrote their own desires, ambitions, emotions and much of their individual personalities and replaced them with bland, happy conformity to a goal and lifestyle none of them actually chose. That seems a bit worse to me than “people weren’t working hard enough.” Kirk goes on and on about how the spores made things too easy, but what they really did was make people apathetic to whether they succeeded at anything or not. Sandoval’s horrified when he’s cured of the spores because the colonists had much different plans for their colony; far from making those plans easier, the spores made them impossible. The dreams and desires of the Enterprise crew for a life of exploration among the stars would have been forever unmet if they had permanently joined the colony, they just wouldn’t have been able to care. Kirk seems to believe that the ultimate evil of the spores is that they deprive people of ambition; to me it seems that the worse evil is that they deprive people of their individuality and their autonomy.

Then there’s the fact that while the spores make people happy and friendly, they also make them remarkably blasé about the well-being of anyone who isn’t part of their collective. They have to be—caring about whether someone else is upset or hurt would make them unhappy, after all. Spock and McCoy are completely unconcerned with the mounting distress of their best friend, and beyond peer pressuring him to get with the program and take the spores like everyone else, they don’t seem to much care if he remains the only unhappy person on the planet. The colonists seem completely unbothered by the fact that all the animals they brought with them died a rather grueling death by radiation poisoning. Everyone on the Enterprise is happy to abandon the ship and join the colony with no message left behind for Starfleet, with apparently not a thought to spare for any friends and family back home, who would only ever know that their loved ones disappeared into space never to be seen again.

Or at least, they would if things actually went according to plan, which they probably wouldn’t, because the spores also made everyone cheerfully oblivious to the idea that anything could potentially cause a problem or pose a threat to them. After all, if Kirk hadn’t had a recovery at the last minute, the Enterprise would have been left unmanned in orbit around the planet, with no way for anyone in the colony to get back onboard. Uhura also goes out of her way to make sure that they no longer have any off-planet communication. So it’s probably not going to be long before Starfleet notices that one of their prize starships has abruptly gone incommunicado, and I’m willing to bet they’d be a bit quicker on that investigation than they were about checking on a tiny backwater colony (although it is Starfleet, so who knows, really). And since they know exactly where the ship was headed on its last recorded mission, it probably won’t take them long to find it. If Starfleet sends another ship along to investigate quickly enough, they’ll find the abandoned Enterprise hanging out in orbit around the planet, and Kirk’s log clearly lays out what happened, so all the other ship has to do is figure out how to neutralize the spores and everyone’s going to get rescued from Omicron Ceti 3 pretty quickly whether they want to be or not.

If Starfleet doesn’t show up in time...Kirk says the ship can be “maintained in orbit” for several months, but then what? It can’t stay up there forever. Sooner or later, the orbit will decay and the ship’s going to crash into the planet, and if it crashes anywhere near one of the colonies, their magic healing powers are going to be put to the test. Also their magic agriculture powers--rich soil and mild weather is all well and good, but is that going to be enough to carry all those crops through the ensuing environmental effects of an impact that big? Especially since, as already mentioned, the colony has enough to feed them and that’s about it—so they really can’t afford to lose any crops for very long.

Sure, maybe the Enterprise wouldn’t crash close enough to any of the colonies to ruin them, but why take the risk? All they had to do was have a helmsman set it on a course out of orbit, then take a shuttlecraft back to the planet. Doesn’t occur to anyone, evidently. Nor do we see anyone bothering to bring any supplies or equipment from the ship to the colony, even though there’s gotta be lots of stuff up there that would be useful. All in all, it seems quite likely that Paradise would have eventually collapsed in on itself simply because the spores make people unable to pay attention to any potential threats or obstacles long enough to do anything about them.

So what’s the moral here? ‘Society can’t survive if everyone is stoned all of the time’? I mean, okay? Sure? Cool? Glad we sorted all that out.

That said, despite having ranted for the past nine hundred words about the weird moral, I’m not saying this episode is bad. As a serious point about human nature I don’t find it especially compelling—YMMV, but I just personally tend to side-eye stories that center around the idea of “wouldn’t it be awful if we all had it too easy??”--but as fifty minutes of extremely Star Trek-y silliness it’s glorious. We’ve got Spock hanging from a tree and talking about dragons while making out in the grass, McCoy going full Georgia and wandering about with something he thinks is a mint julep, Kirk stomping around in increasing agitation as he tries to get some sense out of somebody and then making emo log entries while he sits on the bridge alone...it’s great.

The original draft of this episode apparently had the romantic subplot be for Sulu, who would have been motivated to stay with Layla after having been diagnosed with a serious medical condition that was cured by the spores, kind of like the eventual plot with McCoy in For the World Is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky. D.C. Fontana rewrote the story to focus on Spock, since if you have an episode about something that causes a strong emotional reaction, throwing Spock and his ever-present internal conflict into the mix is kind of the most immediately obvious way to generate some pathos and drama. The spores originally granted those affected with them telepathic abilities, enabling them to link with everyone else who’d been spore’d and form a hivemind. There are some traces of this in the final episode with spore’d people talking about “joining us” and “being one of us” and so on, but without the telepathy part it just kind of makes it sound like they’re in a cult. Also, the cure for the spores would have been consuming alcohol, so presumably in that draft McCoy never got infected.

For the purposes of the Trek Tally I’m going to count the spores as a Space Disease, which might be broadening the umbrella of that term a bit but hey, close enough. Next time we’ll be looking for life, Jim, but not as we know it, in The Devil in the Dark.

#star trek #star trek TOS #star trek TOS season one #recap tag #star trek TOS recaps #1.24 This Side of Paradise #1.24 This Side of Paradise recap

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antzonian · 3 years

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Tendi’s first Christmas.

I tried my best at getting their personalities right, hope you enjoy, it’s my first Lower Decks fic!

Stardate... erm... well it’s December 24th on Earth. On board the USS Cerritos, Tendi, Boimler, Mariner and Rutherford get their assignments, Boimler looks at his PADD and sees that he has decorating duty in the Conference room. Boimler: Huh, I get to decorate the Conference room today. Mariner: And I get to store cargo... ugh so boring! Rutherford: I’m repairing stuff in the Repair-Bay. Tendi: And I’m going to help Dr. T’ana with cleaning the Medical Utensils! Good luck with your assignments! Tendi runs off to the Sick-Bay. Rutherford: Okie Dokie! Boimler: will do! Mariner: see ya lates!

Later on, When her assignment was done, Tendi notices colored Tinsel decorating the corridor, her eyes lit up at the sight. Tendi: Woah, what is this stuff!? I’ve got to ask my friends about this! Tendi runs into the Repair-Bay waving her arms excitedly.

Tendi: Guys Guys! I just saw the most amazing thing! It was all shiny and colorful and its the most wondrous thing I’ve ever saw! Rutherford slides out from under one of the machines he’s repairing with Boimler handing him the tools, Mariner, with her feet on the desk holding a Hyperspanner turns her head smiling.

Mariner: Was it hanging in the corridors? Tendi: YES! Mariner: That’s Tinsel, baby girl! Tendi: ooh, what’s it for? I like how it shines! Rutherford: It’s decoration for the Earth Holiday, Christmas. Tendi: And what’s Christmas about? Boimler: well originally it was about a demigod and still is to some people, but the main thing is that family and friends come together. Mariner: And we get to have huge parties with Presents and drinking and there’s games, it’s awesome! Tendi: wow! I’m liking this Holiday already! Its way better than the Holidays back on Orion. Mariner: Boring shit, right? Tendi: Yeah, The main one has us silently stand around a painted Rock for an hour. Boimler: That is pretty boring, I’ll admit. Mariner: says Mr. Boring himself. Boimler: I am not!

Tendi turns to Rutherford wondering why he hasn’t said anything as Mariner messes around with Boimler giving him a noogie. Tendi: Are you okay Rutherford? You’re quiet today. Rutherford: I’m fine Just a little focussed on repairing this Replicator. Mariner checks her PADD Mariner: Hey, the Conference room is empty, let’s sneak in and have a little fun! Rutherford: Oh Tendi, you haven’t seen the Tree yet. Tendi: There’s a Tree in the Conference Room? Rutherford: Yeah, we have it up every Christmas. Boimler: We aren’t sneaking into the Conference Room, we’ll get into trouble! Mariner: aww c’mon Boimler, Race ya! Mariner starts running, everyone chases after her except for Boimler who follows after them while grumbling to himself.

Mariner races her friends into the Conference Room, luckily no-one else were there, Boimler catches up to them. Boimler: We shouldn’t be here, we’re gonna get in trouble for this! Tendi gazes at the decorated Tree standing at the end of the room. Tendi: wow, it’s so pretty! Rutherford: I knew you’d like it. Boimler: you guys do know there’s one being put up in the Mess Hall right?

Mariner points at the Mistletoe hanging from the ceiling while looking at both Rutherford and Tendi who’re under it. Mariner: Hey guys look! Mistletoe! you two should kiss. Boimler: They don’t have to if they don’t want to, let’s leave now before we get... Mariner: Kiss, KISS!! Boimler: Don’t force them Mariner! Mariner: shut up Boimler. Tendi looks up at Rutherford nervously, he looks at her back blushing. Tendi: should we? I thought it was just for decoration. Rutherford: well.... it is Tradition to kiss under the Mistletoe so... Mariner: Do it! Boimler rolls his eyes at Mariner, Rutherford bends down to reach her lips and both of them kiss, they blush afterwards, then Mariner pushes Rutherford out the way. Mariner: okay, my turn! Mariner bends Tendi over, gives her a big kiss which almost made her lose balance, Marner finishes and Tendi starts giggling. Tendi: Oh Mariner! Boimler: Mariner, That was Rude! First you force them to kiss, then you push Rutherford out the way to snog Tendi! Mariner turns to Rutherford. Mariner: Yeah... sorry Bro. Rutherford: It’s fine.

Just then, Captain Freeman comes into the room. Cpt. Freeman: What are you four doing in here?! Why aren’t you at your posts? Boimler: AGH SORRY CAP’N! I’LL BE THERE RIGHT AWAY! Boimler runs to where he supposed to be in panic. Mariner: ah, typical Boimler.. Tendi and Rutherford follow him while apologizing too. Cpt. Freeman: Mariner? Mariner: what? I was just showing them the decorations, you don’t have to be a bossy jerk mom. Cpt. Freeman: If you don’t straighten up young lady, you won’t be joining in this year’s Christmas party! Now get back to your post Ensign! Mariner: alright, alright! seesh! Mariner walks out of the room sticking her togue out blowing a silent raspberry for her mother who only saw the back of her head.

The Day arrives and Tendi is the first one up, excited for her first Christmas on the Cerritos. Tendi: It’s Christmas! Happy Christmas Rutherford! Rutherford: Merry Christmas Tendi! Tendi: Merry Christmas Boimler and Mariner! Boimler: Seasons greetings Tendi. Mariner: aww yeah! We’re gonna have a great time! Tendi bounces up and down like a kid waiting to open presents. Tendi: what do we do first? aaah I can’t wait to spend my first Christmas with you guys!

Boimler looks out the window, outside the Cerritos is Docked at a Starbase. Boimler: Well first, we need to get dressed, don’t want to walk around in our Underwear, Then go have Breakfast, since it is the most important meal of the day. Mariner: And since we have no assignments, we’ll go have fun in the Holodeck! Rutherford: We could have a snowball fight in the Andoria Snowfield program. Tendi: Snowball fight? We fight on Christmas? Mariner: Don’t worry T. it’s harmless fun! You’ll enjoy it. Boimler: Well I’m out, maybe I’ll help the Commanders wrap gifts in the cargo bay while you’re in the Holodeck. Mariner talks under her breath. Mariner: What a Wuss. Boimler: I heard that.

After Breakfast, Rutherford, Tendi and Mariner, all dressed up in warm gear are ready to have fun enter the Holodeck, Rutherford starts the Program. Rutherford: Computer, Load Andoria Snowfield. Computer: Loading. A Snowfield on Andoria appears around the trio, complete with ringed gas-giant that it orbits. Mariner starts rolling up a Snowball in front of Tendi who watches. Mariner: This is how we Snowball fight Tendi, Hey Rutherford, THINK FAST! Mariner throws the Snowball at Rutherford who ducks out of the way. Rutherford: Ha ha! Tendi gets the idea of how a Snowball fight works. Tendi: ooh, I get it now, can I try? Mariner gestures to Tendi to build a Snowball, Rutherford Smiles, She picks up the Snowball and turns to Mariner. Tendi: Here Mariner, watch out! Mariner lets herself get hit, laughing as the snow hits her arm. Mariner: aaah shit, ya got me! hahaha! Tendi: Heheh, this is fun! The trio continue having their snowball fight until they’re all covered in snow. Mariner: ah that was great! C’mon, drinks are on me! Tendi giggles as they leave the Holodeck, the Snow disappears as they enter the corridor.

later at the Bar, Tendi, Mariner and Rutherford sit together drinking their festive themed Synthehol drinks, Boimler walks in. Mariner: oh hey Boims, how was your boring stint on the Bridge? Boimler: a disaster, While trying to wrap the gifts the Tape dispenser malfunctioned and the Tape got everywhere, Dr. T’ana wouldn’t stop swearing at us. Tendi: oh, is everyone alright? Boimler: Yeah, Shax got the Dispenser working after hitting it really hard. Rutherford: And what of the dispensed Tape? Boimler: I had to take it all to the recycler. Tendi sees a bit of tape stuck on Boimler’s back, she takes it off. Tendi: Sooo what’s next for today? Boimler: I think we watch some classic Christmas films from the 20th to early 21st century. Mariner: oh show her Home Alone! That one’s hilarious! Boimler: Naw, I think maybe one of the thousands of Christmas Carol adaptations. Both Mariner and Boimler argue over which movie Tendi should watch, Tendi looks at them in thought, Rutherford turns to ask her. Rutherford: Which one would you chose Tendi? Tendi: I think I’ll go with the Christmas Carol one, it does have Christmas in the title. Both Boimler and Mariner stop arguing upon hearing Tendi’s decission. Boimler: Booyah! She chose my suggestion! in you’re face Mariner! Mariner frowns as Boimler points at her while doing a little dance. Mariner: Okay, You don’t have to rub it in...

a few hours later after watching an adaptation of A Christmas Carol, (you choose which) Tendi walks out of the Viewing room with a smile on her face. Rutherford: So Tendi, did you like it? Tendi: No I didn’t.... I LOVED IT! Tendi waves her arms above her head, telling Rutherford her favourite parts. Boimler: And you said that she wouldn’t like it, I guess you owe me a drink! Mariner grumbles to herself. Mariner: FINE. Tendi: I feel sorry for Tiny Tim and his family, I’m glad that Scrooge had a change of heart and gave them the best Christmas they can ask for! Rutherford: Okie Dokie! Glad you’ve enjoyed it!

Mariner: oh hey, who’s up for some Karaoke? Mariner gets onto the stage followed by the others, Jingle Bells appears on the screen, she starts singing but ignores the lyrics. Mariner: Jingle bells BOIMBLER SMELLS! Boimler: HEY! Mariner: The Tribbles had multiplied! Boimler: Sing it properly! Rutherford: I had fun in a Snowball fight! Boimler: you too Rutherford!? Tendi: In a one Hor-say open sle-ay! Boimler: come on! Tendi almost sang the right lyrics! Mariner: Oh lighten up Boims! it’s Christmas! Boimler: oh.... alright. Boimler gets on stage and joins in the Karaoke.

#star trek lower decks #lower decks #ensign tendi #ensign rutherford #ensign boimler #ensign mariner #Captain Carol Freeman #D'vana Tendi #samanthan rutherford #brad boimler #beckett mariner

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justkeeptrekkin · 4 years

Text

Wrote a little Good Omens/Star Trek crossover

.... for the awesome @comicgeekery. Thanks for the inspo!

5th April, 2063

“--historic day for humankind. For this is truly the first time that we have been able to refer to ourselves as such with the certainty that there is, in fact, life elsewhere in the perceivable universe.”

It’s a balmy, spring afternoon in London when Crowley rolls out of bed and turns on the television. Honestly, he’s fairly used to ignoring the news; it’s only on because he’d left it on channel one last night for a nature documentary that he and Aziraphale have been watching about whales. That’s why he pays very little attention to the picture on his projector screen.

“-- quite extraordinary. It seems as if this was all triggered by Zefram Cochrane's attempt at warp-speed flight, and er-- just coming in now, these beings call themselves Vulcans, Jane, and-- aha-- well, they’re not quite saying that they come in peace, but if our translators are correct, they’re offering us a long and prosperous life--”

Crowley slams his mug on the counter. He’s run out of coffee. He could very easily conjure up some more now, right here, but miracle-coffee is never as good as the nice Costa Rican stuff he buys. Or, more accurately, that Aziraphale buys for him, because he’s just that much of a kept man, apparently.

A knocking at the door. A light rapping that Crowley recognises immediately, and it would usually make him humiliatingly happy except for the fact that he’s just woken up from a--

He checks the time on the TV screen.

-- from a two week nap, he hasn’t got any coffee, and the TV is blabbering on far too loudly. Waving a hand at said TV until it is muted, Crowley slides over to the door, dressing gown belt flapping about against his leg, and opens it with a flourish.

Aziraphale has that bright-eyed, bushy-tailed look about him: never a good sign. “Crowley--”

Crowley plants a brief kiss on his cheek, then immediately retreats back into the kitchen, shoulders heavy with sleep. “I’m going back to sleep, angel. World’s too loud still.”

”Crowley--” the sound of the door slamming, very purposefully, Crowley thinks, as Azriaphale continues: “I have been trying to call you all morning. I thought you left your phone on vibrate for such things.”

“I did. Didn’t I?” Crowley scratches his head. He’s sure he’d changed the ring tone for Aziraphale’s phone number specifically so he’d wake up when only he called. “Apparently not, sorry Angel-- any news?”

He sees the way Aziraphale is rolling his eyes and flapping about when he turns back around from the kitchen with two mugs of tea. His hands are fiddling with each other in that excitable way that they do, a happy nervous way that he’s come to adore. Crowley hands him a cup. Aziraphale takes it with a pointed raise of his brow.

“Any -- any news? Really. You could not have asked a more absurd--”

At that point, apparently, he’s lost for words. More frustrated than Crowley realised, and so he begins to take Aziraphale’s bright eyes and bushy tail a little more seriously. Particularly when Aziraphale puts down the cup of tea of all things, and gestures to the television, one arm outstretched and gaze still fixed on Crowley.

The screen remains muted. However, Crowley gathers what Aziraphale is gesturing at fairly quickly. He’s so used to letting the news blend into the background, tired of feeling depressed by the human race -- especially with this World War III nonsense -- that he’d completely missed that something, actually, rather important has been happening.

It looks like the research base in San Francisco. Crowley knows only a little about this; as the angel who created a fair few of the stars in the sky, he takes interest when humans start pointing their big magnifying glasses at them. Zefram Cochrane, the inventor of warp-speed engines, and a few other important looking men (who may well be important, what does Crowley know? He hasn’t been paying attention) welcomes three people. People, except they’re not human. Humanoid, perhaps, but human? No. Crowley can spot an alien a mile off.

“Crikey,” he mutters, hovering in his sparse living room with his dressing gown open and tea steaming.

Aziraphale nods fervently.

“Which ones are these?”

“These are the Vulcans,” Aziraphale explains. “Do you remember? Our colleagues -- oh, I forget their names -- a few of our colleagues helped set up. Erm.” Aziraphale purses his lips. “Well, their version of Eden.”

“Something like Sha Ka Ray, if I remember,” Crowley mutters, unblinking as he watches one of the Vulcans raise their hand in a v-shape, the humans mimicking.

“That was it! Sha Ka Ree.”

They’re wearing long, heavy cloaks. Even expressions, but glints in their eyes, as if they are taking some professional enjoyment out of this. The humans, barely containing their own excitement -- and probably a good dose of apprehension. Human beings, finally meeting an alien species who could take them down a notch, teach the buggers a couple of things. Crowley and Aziraphale certainly never managed to, much as they’ve tried. Far too stubborn.

After a while of sitting and watching the proceedings-- the beginnings of a new, enterprising delegation-- Crowley gives a long exhale.

“Those bowl cuts are questionable.”

Stardate: 53459 (17th July 2269)

“What? Just give them a quick ring? Give the flagship of Starfleet’s exploratory expedition a cheeky call, just to check in? ‘Hello Enterprise, nice to meet you’?”

“Yes. Why, do you not think that they’d appreciate it?”

“It’s less that they won’t appreciate it and more that it might blow their tiny minds, Angel.”

“They’ve met plenty of extraordinary species by this point -- extraordinary by their standards, anyway. A call from us will be -- how do they put it -- ‘a walk in the park’--?”

“Not the point. That’s -- that’s actually the bit that I’m struggling with, here. What is the point, exactly? What are you aiming to achieve? You looking to freak them out or…?”

“Well, I thought perhaps we could… ah. Tell them who we are.”

Aziraphale looks at Crowley. Red hair tied up, ringlets around his face; silver eye-shadow; a black jumpsuit in the style of the Terran fashion that really leaves very little to the imagination, with cut-outs here and there all over his body. Legs crossed, foot bouncing impatiently, arms sprawled across the back of Aziraphale’s sofa. In his old bookshop, Crowley always sticks out like a sore thumb, and he’s always loved that about him.

He tilts his head. “Really,” he drawls, vaguely amused.

“Yes. Don’t you think it’s about time?”

“IIIII dunno…” Crowley sucks air through his teeth contemplatively. “Never ends very well. Tell humans that angels and demons roam their planet and they get all agitated. Don’t need to tell you that, you remember how much it traumatised dear old Hieronymous. Couldn’t stop painting us, the poor bastard.”

Aziraphale sighs. “Yes, well, that was different. That was almost a millennia ago, now.”

The bookshop is still just as dusty as it has ever been. Crowley has been urging him to at least install a proper computer -- one that will answer to him, rather than sitting there stupidly, looking like a brick. But he is quite happy with it as it is, especially when he has Crowley here, lounging about as he’s always done, draped across the furniture like he’s still wrapped around that apple tree. And drinking more wine than is good for them.

“Right so -- let’s just role-play this--” Crowley’s glass makes a decisive clink against the table, “-- we patch into their network. Right? I find their frequency and just, try and call from my PADD.”

“Yes,” he confirms, not liking his partner’s tone of voice.

“So then they answer, all, military-like and ready for some sort of diplomatic… situation.”

“Mm…”

Crowley’s leaning forward in his seat, gesticulating a enthusiastically. “They see us, they’re all, ‘oi, how did you get this number?’ and we’re all, ‘sorry, just thought we’d pop in and introduce ourselves, we’re your new neighbours,’” he wrinkles his nose mockingly, “‘Cept we’re not new at all, not really, we’ve been here since the dawn of time, but don’t worry too much about that’.”

“Well--”

“So they’re all, ‘ah, immortal beings from outer space!’ and we have to explain that, actually, we’re not really from space at all, we’re the ones who made space, and no, sorry, we’d love to patch you through to God, except She’s been a little busy for the past six thousand odd years, no can do, just got us boring old sods’.”

“Crowley, really. Don’t you think you’re being a little reductionist?”

“No.” Suddenly serious. “I don’t. They’re humans. They’re brilliant, but they’re also humans, which means they’re also thick as shit.”

Aziraphale purses his lips, electing to ignore the love of his life for this moment. Sitting up properly, linking his hands in his lap. “I think it’s time.”

“And what do you think they’ll do?”

“Perhaps it will bring about some new, interesting philosophy. About the nature of the universe, of the overlap between science and faith.”

Crowley’s brow quirks, yellow eyes staring, wide and disbelieving. “Some ‘new and interesting philosophy’? Books. You’re talking about books. You think you’ll get some nice literature out of this.”

Aziraphale flounders. “Well, that’s not exactly how I’d put it--”

Crowley scowls. But then, he’s taking out his PADD from his purse, making aggravated noises as his fingers fly across the screen.

“You’re doing it?” Aziraphale asks hopefully.

“Yes, yes. You got all happy as soon as you started talking about it and-- I was never really going to say no, was I? You know how pathetic I am by this point, surely.”

He’s not looking at him, but Aziraphale is gazing with those big, angel-eyes that Crowley’s told him he uses sometimes. They drive him insane, but he can’t help it, not when Crowley’s being so unintentionally romantic. “Oh, Crowley.”

“Shhhht. Stop. I’m not doing anything nice, I’m--”

“Not nice, I know.”

Aziraphale smiles serenely. Crowley’s scowl deepens, just as the PADD begins to ring.

The screen is propped up against a wine bottle, just in time for the image to reveal a man. A man in green and gold, sand-blonde hair swept back and a look of cautious curiosity in his hazel eyes. Behind his chair, a woman in red is leaning over the controls. The captain’s head is angled slightly, tilted as he seems to consider his situation -- consider the two strangers who have called their starship.

“Greetings, this is Captain Kirk of the Starship: Enterprise. To whom am I speaking?”

“Oh, how exciting,” Aziraphale whispers, nudging Crowley a little. Then, more loudly, “Greetings, Captain Kirk! My name is Aziraphale, and this is Crowley.”

Crowley sighs, seeming very put upon.

Aziraphale nudges him again. “Well! Don’t be rude, Crowley.”

“Yes, hello, how very nice to meet you,” he simpers accordingly.

“This is a secure line, gentlemen. How did you access our co-ordinates?”

“Ah, yep, sorry, my fault,” Crowley waves a hand. “I’m -- well, we’re, er… we can do stuff. Lots of stuff. He’ll explain later.”

He shoots Aziraphale a glare, which seems to be a warning that this could go horribly wrong. Aziraphale, ever the opportunist, elects to ignore this.

“That I shall,” Aziraphale adds, pointedly.

Kirk thinks. He thinks, sitting so still as he leans towards the monitor, that for a moment, Azirpahale thinks the screen has frozen. Then, turning his head to his right, he notes that he is talking to someone. A certain someone who then appears on screen, a royal blue shirt and hands clasped behind his back. A Vulcan. The two converse with a silent look.

Ah. Aziraphale knows that look very well.

“Be that as it may,” Kirk continues, turning back to them, “it is technically a federal crime to trace Starfleet co-ordinates and to contact a ship without first organising an official meeting. That is, unless it is an emergency.”

“Oh, yes, I have heard of your ship’s adventures, captain,” Aziraphale rushes. He puts down his glass of wine. “You’ve done an awful lot of good, helping those in need.”

“We… do our best,” he says with a slow nod.

“Sorry. For the, er… illegal call,” Crowley says.

Another moment where both men share a glance. And then, the Vulcan in blue tilts an inquisitive chin.

“Sir, may I enquire as to the colour of your eyes? They do not appear to be contact lenses.”

It takes a moment for Crowley to realise that he’s the one being addressed. Then, “Ah! Bollocks. Forgot the sunglasses-- see Aziraphale, this is why we don’t call Starfleet when we’ve had two bottles of Rioja.”

“Awfully sorry, dear--”

The captain looks up at his colleague with a wry smile and a raised brow. “Spock, don’t you think it’s a little rude to as a stranger questions about their appearance?”

“A stranger who has made contact with Starfleet’s flagship outside of legal parameters.”

“Still, politeness can go a long way,” he adds with a smirk, and a look in his eyes that’s, quite frankly, obscene.

Crowley clears his throat. “To answer your question-- although, seems like they’re more interested in each other,” he says to Aziraphale as an aside, “- to answer your question, yeah, they’re real. Snake eyes. Unfortunate accident involving a bastard called Lucifer.”

A pause. The man named Spock tilts his head. Kirk leans forward in his seat.

“Lucifer, you say?”

At that, Crowley gives a wicked smile. Aziraphale sighs. This wasn’t exactly how he’d imagined this conversation starting.

Stardate: 51650 (9th May 2271)

“My point is -- my point is -- tribbles. Tribbles, now -- whose idea were those, then? Who thought they were a good idea? They’ve -- they’ve not got faces, they’ve not got hands or feet or paws or anything, just, little balls of fluff that just poof! Reproduce, until you’re up to your tits in furballs.”

“Now, tha’s what ah been tryna tell yeh, captain. And you mind what he’s saying, too, Lieutenant Uhura! I know you thought they’s adorable, but they’re terrors.”

“Pointless, they’re pointless. Don’t know what they were thinking of when they made tribbles, whoever they were.”

“Aye! See, straight from the mouth of an angel!”

“Er, former angel.”

”Them wee bastards’ve been cloggin’ up my ship’s engine, would ye believe?”

“Our ship, Scotty.”

“Oh. Well, o’course, captain… I didnae mean no disrespect, captain--”

“In Russia--”

“I swear, if you’re about to say that Russia invented tribbles, Chekov, I’ll kick you out of this here bar faster than you can say Alabama Slammer.”

“Alright, now, Bones, it’s shore leave. He can say what he wants. We’re all here to relax. Isn’t that right, Spock?”

“Yeah, he sure looks relaxed there, Jim.”

“I am not accustomed to frequenting such establishments.”

“I would like to state, for the wecord, sir, that I was not going to say that Russia inwented tribbles.”

“I -- ah -- actually, I have a bit of a confession to make in that respect…”

“Angel. Please. Please don’t tell me that you’re… Christ, you didn’t…”

“You are the angel responsible for creating the tribble species?”

“You have a lot to answer for, Aziraphale.”

“It wasn’t intentional! Or, rather, the intention was to simply create a creature so lovely and adorable that no one could quite resist it. And, I suppose, what with evolution and how that may have changed their, erm, reproduction process…”

“You bastard.”

“Crowley -- for Heaven’s sake, it was simply an accident! You can hardly say that it’s worse than some of your creations.”

“I invented Luton airport. You invented the universe’s most irritating pest. Honestly, I figured some lower ranking demon had been the one to come up with it, but now I feel, sort of… betrayed.”

“Don’t say that! May I remind you that you are the one who came up with the M25? Which nearly destroyed the universe as we know it!”

“I beg your pardon? Would you care to rewind and just, explain that last bit, Aziraphale?”

“Oh -- er, it’s a long story.”

“A very long story that would mean another round. Angel, you are definitely bloody-well buying.”

Stardate: 43897 (24th November 2366)

“You know, when you said that you wanted to check-in with Picard and the team, this isn’t what I imagined.”

Their call isn’t immediately picked up. However, when it is, the first thing they see is a large barbershop quartet. They’re all wearing pink, candy-stripe suits and wicker hats. The bridge of the Enterprise looks much the same as it did under captain Kirk, if not for this barbershop quartet, and perhaps a few technological tweaks. And, of course, the current captain who sits in his chair, face in his hand.

“Er.” Crowley looks at Aziraphale, who looks back at Crowley. “This doesn’t look like a good time.”

“No, by all means,” Picard gestures to the screen, other hand still covering his face. “If you have any advice to offer, then I will happily take it.”

“What…” Aziraphale trails off, purses his lips. The, trying to affect something light and airy, “What seems to be the problem, captain?”

Picard looks over the edge of his hand. “Are you aware of the being that calls itself ‘Q’?”

He’s about to say that he isn’t -- perhaps Crowley knows this Q?-- but before they even have a moment to deliberate, the tallest of the barbershop quartet members steps forward from the throng and hops down the steps to Picard’s side. Dark eyes that have seen too much, brightened by mischief. And for a moment, there is the faintest flicker of recognition as he doffs his hat to the screen, leaning against Picard’s captain chair.

“Good day to you, gentlemen. Did you like my song?”

“No,” Picard says quite firmly. “Now, would you please leave and take your pestering elsewhere!”

Q tuts, rolls his eyes. Pokes his thumb in Picard’s direction. “He’s just grumpy because he hasn’t had his morning cup of Earl Grey.”

“You…”

It’s Crowley that says this. Leaning forward on Aziraphale’s sofa, snake pupils narrowing. And it’s then that Aziraphale realises that this is absolutely someone they know. He just can’t put his finger on it, whilst Crowley clearly has.

“You know him?” Picard says, with the smallest flicker of hope.

“Wait. Wait a second now,” Q points his finger at Crowley, frown deepening. He miracles his hat away, cradles his chin. “Now, we worked together a long time ago, didn’t we?”

That makes Aziraphale stare back at Crowley.

There’s some hesitance. “Oh. Sure, probably. Long time ago, now, wasn’t it? Who knows. Worked with lots of people.”

“No, no, no -- we did a lot of creating with each other. Some fun messing around you know?”

“Er. Not sure. Might have a different person in mind--”

And then those eyes widen. A wicked grin on his face, and Aziraphale can only imagine that this Q must be a demon.

That’s when Aziraphale finds himself standing on the bridge of the Enterprise. Jean-Luc Picard looking up at them despairingly, whilst the rest of his crew work as diligently as they can with a quartet serenading them. Data, notably, is working with the utmost focus, whilst Wharf looks like he’s two seconds away from ripping something in half bare-handed. Riker looks no more patient.

“Oh,” Aziraphale remarks. “You’ve -- you miracled us here!”

No use, Q is far too preoccupied by Crowley. Pointing a finger in recognition. “You’re Crawly! I remember you! Oh, we got up to some good stuff together, huh? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen any of the guys from the Milky Way neighbourhood. You guys really like to keep to yourselves, I never understood it. Totally obsessed with your ‘Eden’ as if the rest of us don’t exist.”

“You o know him,” Picard says with some accusation.

Crowley looks, to put it lightly, a little embarrassed. Hands sliding in his pockets and averting his snake-eyed gaze, “Yup. Long time ago. Hung out with a different crowd, then, you got to understand…”

“Qasphiel.” The name bubbles up on Aziraphale’s tongue from nowhere; memories of a gaggle of angels who called themselves the Q Continuum, who were cast out for blasphemy. Creating your own little gang was never something that The Almighty did like. “You’re Qasphiel. You know, I do remember you, now that I think about it.”

Q looks Aziraphale up and down once. “I don’t remember you. Were you one of the more straight-laced types? Yeah, we wouldn’t have hung out, much.”

“Excuse me? I… I’ll have you know, that since then I’ve become quite the rebel--”

“What’re you doing here, Qasphiel?” Crowley interrupts with some exhaustion. “Coming in here and getting on everyone’s nerves -- believe me, I get that it’s fun for a while, but, come on. You must be a bit knackered of it now, no matter what the others are getting you to do.”

“Ah, but I don’t work on anyone’s terms any more. Not even the Continuum’s,” Q smiles smugly.

“That’s awfully nice, but the alternative is buggering off, so the rest of us can get on with our lives.”

He narrows his eyes at Crowley. “What’s in it for me?”

A weary sigh. And Aziraphale considers just how kind Crowley has always been, even if he doesn’t always see it. “Listen. How about -- what about a catch-up. Grab a drink on some planet in the Omicron Delta quadrant. Talk about old times? Big Bang and all that?”

“Ah yes,” Q sighs. Then, apparently distracted, “You know, I don’t recall the yellow eyes,” he gestures to his own. “The demonic thing. Did you fall with Lucy and the others, Crawly? Bad luck.”

“That’s a story that needs telling over a drink.”

There’s a long moment -- too long a moment -- where Q considers this offer. Picard is leaning back in his seat and watching the interaction over steepled fingers. Even Data has stopped to listen, head tilted in interest.

Then, Q shrugs.

“Alright. Let’s go.”

And with that, Picard’s bridge is once again empty of divine or immortal beings. Or barbershop quartets. It is extraordinarily quiet.

Picard lets out a long exhale. “Never a dull day.”

Stardate: unknown

Three suns set upon the horizon of Alpha Centauri. Palm trees wave in the breeze; planted there a few decades ago when this planet first became populated by humanoid species. The air tastes like salt and smells like ozone. A burning orange sky, a deep purple scattering of stars directly above them. Small, clay houses, their shutters closed in the late afternoon heat. Mountain ranges in the distance, seeming so small from their little balcony.

“Total tourist trap,” Crowley mutters into his glass of Romulan ale.

Aziraphale stifles a burp. “Sorry?”

“Look at it. Tourist trap.” Crowley crosses his legs on the railing of the balcony. “All of it. Built like a Terran city, as well. Palm trees and all that bollocks. Shops and restaurants, Christ, it couldn’t get more human if you tried. When will they stop colonising and just learn to appreciate?”

“Mmm.”

“Remember when we could come here and not be harassed by people selling sunglasses? When it was just a big, ol’ expanse?”

“Empty,” Aziraphale remarks. Then, wide eyed, “Hot.”

They watch the first sun dip behind the mountain ranges. The Romulan ale burns Crowley’s throat nicely.

“D’you ever wonder what it would’ve been like?”

Aziraphale takes a slow, indulgent breath. And Crowley knows that he understands what he’s asking. “Sometimes. But I think it’s better that we didn’t run away. We did save the universe, after all.”

“I know, obviously. But do you ever wonder what would have happened if we hadn’t?”

Of course he does. They both have. Images of a war-torn universe, of all of this: gone.

Crowley drops his hand, finds Aziraphale’s. Their fingers link, and they absorb the light of three, alien stars.

#star trek #good omens #ineffable husbands #lmao #my writing #this was meant to be 5 +1 times and i just realised it was 4+1 #oops sorry m8

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stardatewiththedevil · 4 years

Text

Fine, humans, fly your “starship”

I knew that having to start my stardate-order journey with Enterprise*, which I had never made it more than 20 minutes into before, would be a challenge. But my first foray into 22nd-century Starfleet is leaving me with more questions than answers.

To recap

Earth has a ship capable of Warp 5, but the Vulcans have told them they can’t use it yet. Our hero Jonathan Archer’s dad invented it, but died before he could see it put into use. The Enterprise NX-01 has been collecting dust for 50 years. But when a farmer shoots a stray Klingon, humans finally have the right excuse to ask their Space Daddies for a hall pass!!!!!

The humans of 22nd-century Earth, at least the high-ranking space boys we observe, are cavalier and impulsive, really into some cowboy shit. While it makes sense the Vulcans wouldn’t want Earthlings drunkenly stomping through the galaxy fresh off world unification, it’s pretty surprising that none of these fuckers went rogue and zoomed off into space. But instead they seem to mostly throw tantrums and then ultimately fall in line.

But this time, they throw the correct tantrum! The Vulcans want to kill the unconscious Klingon so he dies with honor, even though he has some kind of message to deliver to his people. They also want to delay a planned launch of the Enterprise over the incident. Archer has had enough and demands that not only are they NOT allowed to kill the Klingon, they have to let him, specifically him, return him to Kronos in the ship nobody has flown yet.

Daddy Vulcan says “ok, but come STRAIGHT home after dropping off the Klingon.” (Spoiler: They don’t!!!!!!)

Charming!

It is literally the first time launching this advanced Warp 5 ship and they’re doing it early, but nothing really goes wrong, hardware-wise, despite what appears to be a reckless lack of testing. Most of the adjustments they’re making are like, adjusting the TV and calibrating weapons arrays.

Everyone seems way too chill with this idea of going extremely fast out in the middle of space where no humans have gone yet. Except Hoshi Sato, Bless you, Hoshi, our queen of having normal feelings.

Up until this point, humans have only been hitting Warp 2, or eight times the speed of light. They’ve also been in contact with the Vulcans for almost a century. Some space travel is in service of colonization (e.g., settling on Mars). But the biggest, longest trips are on freighters, spending sometimes literally years on trade routes within 90 light years of Earth (more than 11 human years away!). As a Warp 5 ship sits docked in Earth’s orbit, children are born and raised on trade routes. (These kids are called “boomers”! I thought they just meant extremely old people or time travelers the first time they said it!)

Still, people are pretty used to being in space and visiting other planets, and have been for 50 years or so. But the Vulcans are maybe the only society present in this sector that have any mobility beyond that—so they’re holding everyone’s hand, handing out learner’s permits, basically doing a very gentle imperialism. This is a foreign policy I will from here on out call the Daddy Doctrine.

Also, the Big Bad this season appears to be... Zordon?

Meet the Spacepeople

Our captain this time around is Jonathan Archer, and everyone definitely knows who his daddy is. He invented the ship! When Starfleet finally launches said ship, some admiral praises the Starfleet nepotism that led to this grown child being in charge of an infinite number of first contacts, despite him losing his cool in front of the Space Daddies.

They’re going to have to talk to Klingons, so Archer taps Hoshi Sato, a genius human linguist and the only human to speak Klingon. She teaches other people to speak Klingon! But she has trouble translating some Klingon word salad almost immediately. Oh well! That said, Sato is one of two characters I can confidently say I like at this point. She has very normal human emotions about stuff like “being very deep in space on an untested ship.”

T’Pol is a hot lady Vulcan who was part of the deal for the humans to take the car keys, but she says she’s not there to babysit. She never really babysits, but people seem surprised when she doesn’t babysit, anyway. She first appears onscreen as the youngest member of the Vulcan Daddy Cabal by a long shot.

Charles “Trip” Tucker III is Archer’s best friend and seems kinda fratty, the kind of guy that really seems like someone you’d call Trip.

Our zany character on this starship is Phlox, a Denobulan doctor who loves animal testing. Denobulans are from the planet Surplus Cardassian Prosthetics.

Travis Mayweather is a Boomer and I think I like him. His confidence is earned. As an experienced spaceman, he knows that setting the ship to .8 g makes for a pretty pleasant environment, and that does sound nice.

I know Star Trek doesn’t like to acknowledge any cultural accomplishments between the year 1930 and 2100, but I feel like Malcolm Reed is a They Might Be Giants fan. Also, he’s British.

Porthos is a beagle. He smells. I like him.

This is on my desktop as “space beagle.jpg” and someday I will delight in finding this again

This Fucking Ship

When crewmembers are reboarding, they have to pass through a decontamination chamber, which is fully a hostile work environment. The decontamination chamber forces crewmembers in a room together, where they are forced to spread goo on each other under ultraviolet light like a sexually aggressive sunscreen.

We see the decontamination chamber in the first episode, and it’s basically an excuse to show some HBO After Dark shit under some expository dialogue. Tucker—that’s the guy named TRIP—takes the liberty of applying gel underneath the waist of T’Pol’s underpants for her. It is gross. (And how does the gel even work if you leave your underwear parts un-gelled???)

To be fair, Trip’s chest gets a lot of focus, too. The whole scene is shot like a Bodman Fragrance Spray commercial.

youtube

I don’t intend for these to always be this long, or episode by episode, but I just started and I have A LOT OF FEELINGS. And I didn’t even GET INTO the hot shapeshifting lady that lived for about five minutes, long enough to kiss Archer because that’s how she “senses trust.” Some real TOS shit.

*I was thinking of doing a watch order that included two watches of First Contact, but I have made my bed and now I need to lie in it for 200 years.

**Special thanks to my Star Trek chos for helping me work through some fundamental lore stuff.

#Star Trek #star trek enterprise #enterprise season 1

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marvelousbirthdays · 4 years

Text

Happy Birthday, stardating

December 27-a continuation of the ShieldShock fic that was written for mcgregorswench. Fluffy, cute, sweet, Tony laughing for five more minutes at Steve's expression when he finds out, Darcy groaning at how oblivious they were (and DARN YOU SHIELD PROTOCOLS), for @stardating

Written by @ibelieveinturtles

This continues on directly from this so I highly recommend you reread it before reading this.

Holding hands, they continued through the park, unable to stop looking at each other and both grinning madly.

“I can’t believe this is happening at last,” said Steve.

“Me neither,” Darcy replied. “Tell me more about this fancy proposal you planned.”

“Oh, well, it’s nothing too fancy,” Steve said. “Um, I’ve ordered your favourite takeout and there’s cheesecake for dessert. One or two dozen bouquets of flowers to set the scene.”

Darcy drew away slightly and peered up at him with wide eyes and eyebrows halfway up her forehead. “That’s a lot of flowers, Steve.”

Steve shrugged sheepishly. “I couldn’t decide which ones I liked the most.”

Darcy snorted and tucked herself back into Steve’s side.

“I suppose you had a speech all planned out as well?”

“Oh, you’re still getting the speech,” Steve assured her. “It’s got some very important words in it.”

“I can’t wait.”

Reaching the edge of the park, they crossed the road. Two turns and three side streets later they were standing in front of their apartment door.

“Are you ready?” Steve asked, hand on the doorknob.

Darcy nodded and Steve opened the door.

Stepping into the living room, Darcy gasped. One or two dozen bouquets of flowers was an understatement. There were vases and arrangements on every available surface, in a rainbow of colours.

“Oh, Steve. They’re beautiful.” She moved further into the room, sniffing at random arrangements as she passed them. “Oh my god, and they smell!”

“I went to an independant florist and specifically asked for flowers with scent,” Steve said. “They won’t last as long but what’s the point of flowers if you can’t smell them, right?”

She turned to look at him, her whole face lit up with happiness. “They’re wonderful.”

“I’m glad you like them.” He followed her through the room, enjoying her delight in the flowers.

“I love them.”

She bent down to breathe in the scent of another bunch of flowers and even though she’d already asked him to marry her and they’d said yes to each other, a wave of nervous anticipation rolled over him. This could still go balls up.

There was a knock on the door.

“That’ll be our dinner,” Steve said, relieved at the interruption. He collected their order, taking it straight to the kitchen.

“We gonna eat first?” Darcy asked, following him. She’d tucked a daisy behind her ear and looked so happy his breath caught in his throat.

“Pizza is best eaten hot,” he replied, busying himself with arranging the pizza boxes on the kitchen counter and pulling out plates.

“It is,” agreed Darcy. “Feed me, Steve! Feed me.”

After they ate, Steve poured them a glass of wine each and they retreated to the couch.

“I guess we’ve gotten to the secrets part of the evening, huh?” Darcy asked. She set her glass on the coffee table and turned toward him, tucking her legs underneath her. “Who goes first?”

“I think I’d like to go first,” Steve replied.

“Hey, you don’t have to be nervous. I promise not to run away screaming… well, not immediately anyway.” She winked at him.

“So, you know how I work in international search and rescue?” he said, deciding to start with the easy bit… because telling your new fiance you actually work for a super secret spy agency was easier than telling her you were actually a 95 year old superhero, right?

“I am familiar with that fact, yes.”

“Well, it’s not so much search and rescue as it is intervention and enforcement,” he said, watching her face carefully. “The full name of the organisation I work for is Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.”

Darcy blinked. “You work for S.H.I.E.L.D.?”

Steve blinked too. “You know S.H.I.E.L.D.?”

“Um, yeah. I kind of work for them too.”

“What?” Steve wondered if this what flummoxed felt like.

“I work with Jane Foster,” Darcy said. “I was with her in New Mexico when Thor arrived.”

“You know Thor?” Yep. Flummoxed. “I thought you were just a fan.”

Darcy giggled. “I mean, yeah. I’m a huge fan but we’re also best buds. I can introduce you if you want.” She grinned, waggling her eyebrows as she did so.

A knot loosened in Steve’s chest. If she was already friends with Thor, then surely the revelation of his own true identify wouldn’t be a big deal- as big a deal.

“Actually, I already know him.”

“You do?” Darcy’s eyes widened in delight and her grin got wider.

Steve nodded and decided to just drop the bomb, as it were. “I’m the Steve Rogers,” he said. “I’m Captain America.”

Darcy’s mouth dropped open and her eyes almost popped out of her head.

“You’re kidding.”

Steve’s heart beat faster and he shook his head.

“Nope,” he replied, aiming for nonchalance by having a sip of his wine. His heart thudded in his chest.

Darcy continued to gape at him silently and then she stood up, the abruptness of her movement startling him.

“Is that- is that a problem? Darcy?”

She moved down the couch and took his face between her hands. “No problem at all,” she said, kissing him. “I love you, and you turning out to be Captain America doesn’t change anything. Now follow me because I need to show you something.”

She took his hand and led him over to their television. Turning it on, she selected the channel they used to video chat.

“I’ve been a little bit worried about telling you who my dad is,” she said, navigating through the contact list, “because he is an egocentric asshole. He’s been wanting to meet you for a while, and last time we discussed it, he said he wanted to be there when I told you who he is because he wants to see the look on your face,” she continued. “Now I thought it was just cos he likes being the centre of attention so I wasn’t going to bother but now I understand why-”

“Okay…”

She selected a number he’d never seen before, but before tapping the call button, she stopped and looked at him. “God, I can’t believe we could have been honest with each other this whole time. We’ve probably signed all the same NDA’s and everything!”

Steve smiled. “Huh. I hadn’t even realised that yet.”

“A lot of people have just landed on my shit list,” Darcy grumbled. “Okay, fair warning - there’s gonna be some yelling here, and you’re probably gonna be very confused, but here goes nothing.”

She tapped the button and they waited.

“You don’t wanna give me a clue?” Steve asked.

“Honestly, I think we all deserve this,” she replied.

Several seconds later Tony Stark appeared on the screen and before he could say more than “Hey-” Darcy launched into a miniature tirade.

“You asshole! You absolute sneaky, double dealing, cheating asshole! How long have you known?”

“What?” The look on Tony’s face was priceless. “Known what?”

Steve’s brain went into overdrive connecting the dots as soon as Tony appeared on the screen.

“Your father is Tony Stark?” His words were lost as Darcy continued.

“That my boyfriend is Captain America!” she almost yelled at the screen, flinging an arm behind her to point at Steve.

“Fiance,” Steve corrected, still reeling from the revelation.

“Oh, that.” A glimmer of guilt passed over Tony’s face but melted into a self satisfied grin. “Hey, Cap,” he said, “she finally said yes, huh?” before returning his attention to Darcy. “Since just after Christmas. And that is no way to talk to your father, young lady.”

“Like you don’t deserve it,” Darcy retorted.

“Tony Stark is your father,” Steve repeated, completely nonplussed. “I’m going to be Iron Man’s son in law.”

“Ahuh!” Tony crowed triumphantly. “That’s the face I wanted to see.”

“No!” Darcy snapped. “You are going to be Captain America’s father in law. There’s a difference!”

“Spoilsport,” Tony pouted.

“I don’t believe this,” Steve muttered before raising his voice. “You never mentioned you had a daughter, Tony.”

“No one knows I have a daughter, Steve. It’s a secret.”

“It’s a safety slash security slash privacy thing,” Darcy said. “Mom wanted me to have a normal upbringing and as I’ve grown older I’ve really come to appreciate that.”

“That’s fair,” Steve agreed.

“Anyway,” Darcy said, “I guess we don’t need any further introductions, seeing as you two know each other already. I’ll talk to you again soon, Dad. Say hi to Pepper for me.”

“Congratulations, sweetheart,” Tony said. “I’ll expect you here for a celebratory dinner soon.”

“Of course! Love you, bye.”

Darcy ended the call and turned to Steve. “Soooo… now we know each other's secrets.”

Steve nodded. “We do.”

“You’re Captain America.”

“And your father is Tony Stark.”

“You’re okay with it?” she asked, an uncertain lilt in her voice.

“Yeah. Yeah, I am. Are you?”

She nodded. “I’m not gonna change my mind, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Whatever secrets we have, we will deal with them - that’s what we said, right?”

Darcy nodded, and smiled at him.

“So… I believe you said something about cheesecake?”

Tony watched the screen go black and grinned. The grin grew into a chuckle and the chuckle turned into a laugh. The look on Steve’s face had been just as priceless as he could have hoped for. Wiping a tear from his eye he stood up and called through the open door to Pepper.

“Pepper! We’ve got a wedding to plan!”

#ShieldShock #Steve Rogers #Darcy Lewis #DARCY IS TONY'S DAUGHTER

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doctortreklock · 4 years

Text

AU-gust 22 - Futuristic AU

For this. On AO3.

Captain’s Log - Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2254.42

We got in a bit of a scrape with some unfriendly locals on the planet and found ourselves unable to evacuate due to an ion storm. Which apparently Cmdr. Walker was unable to detect in advance, despite the size of the storm. This marks the fourth time in three months that Cmdr. Walker has failed to note a relevant scientific fact, despite his role as Chief Science Officer.

During our time on the planet, Dr. Winchester was able to...

Captain’s Log - Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2254.135

Following recommendations from myself, Dr. Winchester, and First Officer Harvelle, Chief Science Officer Walker has chosen to resign his post and retire, effective as soon as a reasonable replacement can be located. He will be leaving Starfleet with full honors.

Personal Log - Capt. Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2254.167

It has been two days, four hours since we picked up our new Science Officer, and I hate him already. Sammy said not to judge him so quickly, since we’re going to be stuck with him for the remainder of our five year mission, if not longer, but he said it with that pinched look that means he really does hate him as much as I do.

I’ve never worked with an Angel before. I knew they were aloof and cold, but the sheer lack of empathy. God. He’s an unfeeling bastard and it makes me wish I could punch him in the face and keep my command. Even if it would hurt me more than it hurt him.

...Okay, I just listened to that again, and I think I need to push for one of those mandatory ship-wide tolerance seminars again.

Captain’s Log - Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2254.181

...four members of the landing party affected by an unknown poison, including myself. Though I was unconscious for most of the remainder of the mission, I was later filled in by Dr. Winchester and Cmdr. Harvelle.

Though the away party remained under threat from the native Tulian people, Dr. Winchester and Chief Science Officer Castiel were able to fabricate an antidote to the poison using the readings they acquired from their tricorders and the limited supplies they both keep on hand, as the transporter remained inoperative during this time. I have since been assured by Cmdr. Novak that the transporter malfunction was an anomaly that will not be repeated.

I am recommending commendations for Cmdr. Castiel and Lt. Cmdr. Winchester for exemplary service under pressure.

Personal Log - Capt. Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2254.205

...how much is actual incomprehension and how much is willful misinterpretation. I swear, we had just talked about the structure of Human jokes and I know he knows more about prime numbers than I do. I think at this point he just gets a kick out of it. I mean, every time he pulls off one of his straight-faced Humans-are-so-strange routines, his eyes just freaking glimmer and he smiles a bit, just on one side.

Everyone on this ship must be blind if they can’t see how much he enjoys messing with us.

Captain’s Log - Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2254.272

Our newest mission from Starfleet has required us to stop off at Houston IX to pick up an ambassador, whom we will then shuttle to Carthage.

We did not experience any difficulties picking up the ambassador. Once he was on board, however, it became clear that we had a problem.

Ambassador Crowley is a Demon, from the planet Demos in the Etheril system. Cmdr. Castiel is an Angel, from the planet Angelii in the Etheril system.

These two planets have been at war with each other for-fucking-ever, and I can’t believe Starfleet just royally screwed this one up, SO badly--

...Computer, delete--

Personal Log - Capt. Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2254.272

...that douchebag Crowley has the gall to stand all smug in the transporter room and say that he’s terribly sorry for the confusion and he deeply hopes that the inconvenience won’t be an issue. The dick.

Castiel, on the other hand, was what I’m pretty sure passes as spitting mad on Angelii. I’m not sure how I ever believed he didn’t have any emotions because oh boy were they written all over his face. I’m frankly very surprised he didn’t smite Crowley where he stands for the audacity to come aboard his starship.

This officially puts paid to any belief I had in those rumors about Angels being able to melt eyeballs or kill people with a touch, because if he had those powers, I’m pretty sure Castiel would have used them, rank or no.

Then, as soon as I became aware of this little snafu, I had to go ring up the Admiralty and try to figure out what the fuck was going on. Because the blood feud between the Demons and the Angels was basic knowledge and the first bullet point in the personnel files for everyone from either planet.

There aren’t that many Angels in Starfleet, and even fewer Demons, so I’m not buying Zachariah’s butter-wouldn’t-melt routine. The Free Will is the only ship in the quadrant with any crew member from the Etheril system, so there’s no way we were picked at random to ferry Crowley around.

Someone’s got it out for Castiel, and I won’t stand for...

Captain’s Log - Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2254.312

...injuries acquired while protecting a senior officer from harm. Dr. Winchester has assured me that Cmdr. Castiel will make a full recovery. The arrow that was meant for me hit him in the chest, which would be lethal for a Human, but Angelic biology differs in both the placement of internal organs and their capacity for rapid healing. I have been informed that Cmdr. Castiel can be expected back at his post within the week.

I am recommending commendations for Cmdr. Castiel for bravery under fire and dedication to the lives of crewmembers. I am also recommending commendations to Lt. Mills...

Personal Log - Capt. Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2254.346

...turns out that Cas hasn’t seen any of the new holos with Ford Harrison. Or any of the older ones. Actually, scratch that.

It turns out that Cas hasn’t seen any holos. Not even older two-dimensional films. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

And that’s a crying shame. I have a large media collection, and I am not afraid to use it. We’ve started weekly movie nights. I’m also trying to introduce him to Earth snacks while I’m at it. Popcorn hasn’t gone over well, but he’s surprisingly into Thin Mints.

After we watch through my entire Ford Harrison collection, I might break out the older classics. Nothing quite like shiny, low-budget, low-tech, computer-animated explosions to lighten the mood.

Captain’s Log - Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2255.11

...seems like the rumors of extrasensory perception have not been exaggerated. Though we were unable to detect any signal on the frequency he described, Cmdr. Castiel has made it clear that he has been summoned back to his home planet for some urgent business.

While the Free Will is technically on a mission to deliver supplies to Lunar Base Kappa, it is not an urgent assignment, so we have time to detour to the Etheril system. If we had not been able to, however, Cmdr. Castiel made it clear that he would be returning to his home planet, with or without the ship.

Personal Log - Capt. Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2255.25

...won’t even talk to me anymore outside of shift! He’s cancelled the last two movie nights, and I swear he’s been avoiding me at mealtimes.

I don’t think I even realized how much time we’d spent together until we stopped.

I’m not sure what those bastards on Angelii did to him, but I swear to god...

Personal Log - Capt. Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2255.47

I’m not sure what finally did it, but he’s talking to me again.

Sammy’s been giving me worried looks for a month, and I’m pretty sure he was working himself up to one of those “you know I care about you, and you’re my brother, but I have to look after the whole ship, and you’re being a dick right now” speeches. Because I totally was. Snappish and frustrated and irritated. ...all because Cas wasn’t returning my calls.

Metaphorically. My metaphorical calls. Because I wasn’t calling him. Obviously.

Anyway.

He’s talking to me again. If I had to put a guess on it, I’d say it probably had something to do with the discussion we had on the Angelii government and social hierarchy. Well, “discussion.”

I might have ranted and yelled at him, but I was concerned, and he didn’t look phased, so I’m not going to worry about crossing any hypothetical boundaries here.

And I’m not sure what it was. But the next morning he met me for breakfast in the mess before shift as if we’d never stopped hanging out. I’m not sure where I went wrong, but I might know how to fix it if it happens again.

Personal Log - Capt. Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2255.93

Someone’s going to die.

I haven’t quite figured out who yet, but they’ve got Zachariah in their pocket, and they’re the ones who called Cas back home, and they’ve got nothing good planned.

I’m not sure what they wanted with Cas, but I deprogrammed him again and I’m keeping him, come hell or high water, so I’d like to see them try and take him again. I’ll be waiting for them.

...Shit. Does this count as a premeditated confession in a court of law? Probably best to be on the safe side then. Just in case. Computer, delete--

Captain’s Log - Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2255.127

...little evidence of large-scale corruption, it is nevertheless apparent that the Daughters of Lucifer were not a small or poorly funded organization.

Their activities - including the targeting of my Chief Science Officer - have been shut down, but I am recommending extensive monitoring of the entire Etheril system, as well as planets with large Angel or Demon populations. Both Abaddon and Ruby have evaded capture and it is not clear what their next moves are.

I am recommending a commendation for creative strategy under pressure for Cmdr. Castiel and commendations for bravery under fire for Cmdr. Harvelle, Cmdr. Castiel, Cmdr. Novak, Lt. Cmdr. Winchester, Lt....

Captain’s Log - Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2255.135

We are hoping for a quiet mission on Altair VII. Cmdr. Novak believes he has devised a way to operate the transporters through an ion storm. Cmdr. Castiel has identified one beginning to brew here in the upper atmosphere, so we’re going to try testing that theory.

Lt. Cmdr. Mills will be leading the away team with Ensigns Jones, Novak, Spengler, and Zeddmore. The primary aim of this mission is to test Cmdr. Novak’s hypothesis by attempting to transport blocks of matter to and from the surface of the planet. The secondary aim of the mission is to take tricorder readings of the air, soil, and native flora.

Cmdr. Castiel will take the conn during this mission, as it falls entirely within the purview of the Science Division. This will also serve as a test of Cmdr. Castiel’s aptitude for command, as Cmdr. Harvelle has indicated that she will be seeking a promotion to captain when we next return to Earth later this year, leaving the First Officer’s position vacant.

Personal Log - Capt. Dean Winchester of the USS Free Will Stardate 2255.165

Sammy’s been giving me weird little half-glances all day, but it wasn’t until I got back to my room ten minutes ago that I figured out why.

It’s been a year since Cas came on board.

Just for kicks and giggles, I went back to listen to the first couple logs I made after he joined the crew. Man, was I wrong back then.

Cas isn’t cold or aloof or emotionless; I just didn’t know how to read him yet. I’m not sure if that’s a Cas thing or more of an Angel thing, but it definitely makes me happy that he’s on board. He’s my best friend, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Between Crowley and Lucifer and all of the day-in, day-out missions we’ve had while boldly going, it’s been a rough year, but never let it be said that the Free Will is boring.

I think I can hear Cas in the hallway, so I’ll cut it short. It’s movie night.

Winchester out.

#AUgust 2020 #Star Trek AU #Supernatural #Dean Winchester #Castiel #some destiel #I'm so tired right now #can barely keep my eyes open #I should have worked on this earlier #but I spent 8 hours reading a really good phlint fic #so that was my whole day gone

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tonystarkbingo · 4 years

Photo

TSB Week 25!

You might wanna brace yourselves, darlings, because there are DOZENS of works under that readmore! As we reach the end of the round, everyone is scrambling to finish their fills and we are being blessed by a LANDSLIDE of content!

There will be one more roundup to gather up the last of the fills, and those should be submitted no later than July 1st! Masterposts are due on the 4th, please include the following info for each fill on the masterpost:

Fill S1 - fill name - link - rating - pairing (if any)

You may, of course, include more, but that info is required. We will post our Grand Masterpost with links to everyone’s masterpost after the 4th.

Also, don’t forget to claim your badges! Unless you fill out this form, you will not get your badges!

And speaking of badges... congratulations to the following!

Participation

Huntress

Faustess

Simi

Fighting_for_Creativity

calmena

DarthBloodOrange

Bingo

FestiveFerret

Von Gelmini

peachy

tinydragontony

Blackout

HogwartsToAlexandria

Dum-E badges have been going out as well, so congratulations to the many that have earned the Disaster Bot Badge!

And now... on to the insane number of fills!

Title: Tony, NO Collaborator: von_gelmini Link: AO3 Square Filled: T5 - You Can’t Trademark That Ship: Starker Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Inappropriate use of Stark Tech, Not Canon Compliant, Tony Stark is a Little Shit, Pepper Potts is Long Suffering, No Pepperony, Dildos, Tony Stark Has a Big Dick Summary: “You can’t trademark that!”Tony scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Of course I can’t. You can’t trademark an actual, physical item. That requires a patent. Which I have.” “You have a patent for that?” Word Count: 1091

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Title: More Than Just a Cosplayer’s Dream Collaborator: eachpeachpearplum Fighting_for_Creativity Link: AO3 Square Filled: Adopted/T4 - Image: 3490 Kiss Ship: Stony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Fluff and Humor, Lack of Communication, Idiots in Love, Tony’s questionable planning skills Summary: After cosplayers dressed as him and Steve kiss in front of the Tower, Tony goes to great lengths to keep Steve from finding out. If only he’d known he didn’t have to… Word Count: 6196

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Title: Outsider, Outsider Collaborator: tisfan Link: AO3 Square Filled: T1 - Image: Headset Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Horror, Fairy tale AU, Space AU, rabbits. lots of rabbits Summary: Stardate 5239.283.09 Word Count: 2249

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Title: If You Need Me Collaborator: periwinklepromise Link: AO3 Square Filled: Pepper Potts/Rescue Ship: None Rating: Gen Major Tags: None Summary: That's the problem with Tony, she thinks. Some of his messes are international terrorist groups hellbent on destruction, and some of his messes are just a learning robot with good aim Word Count: 343

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Title: If Only Collaborator: FestiveFerret Link: AO3 Square Filled: S1 - Phobia Ship: Stony Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Gay Panic, Sexuality, Self-Discovery Summary: Steve wasn't gay. He wasn't. He'd know that about himself. He had no problem whatsoever with men who were attracted to men - he was dating one of them - but it wasn't him. Word Count: 6061

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Title: The anatomy of a dying star - Chapter 1 Collaborator: summerpipedream Link: AO3 Square Filled: K4 - Wake Up! Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Alternate Universe - Space Opera, Implied/Referenced Torture, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort Summary: When Captain Bucky Barnes opened the crate, he was surprised. He thought of a million things that he might find, a hidden food-stash, some contraband supplies, maybe even a collection of weird dolls, Bucky wasn't one to judge. But what he never expected was to see the outline of a man, a very naked man, shivering as he woke up, blue eyes staring back him. Word Count: 1507

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Title: all that I think about you Collaborator: HogwartsToAlexandria Link: AO3 Square Filled: K1 - AU: Hogwarts Ship: Pepperony Rating: Gen Major Tags: None Summary: Howard and Maria had once again let him down, and Tony was forced to watch all his friends, and particularly his best friend who he was very much in love with like thirteen-year-olds could be, leave for Hogsmeade without him. Enter Thor and Loki. The Asgardian Brothers of Mischief. Tony knew he could manage something. Word Count: 510

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Title: Lights! Camera! Action! Collaborator: HogwartsToAlexandria Link: AO3 Square Filled: Adopted - Tony/Natasha/Pepper Ship: Tony/Natasha/Pepper Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, PWP, Established Relationship Summary: Tony knows he's lucky; not everyone gets to submit to their wives for pleasure, and for business. Word Count: 1890

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Title: Flex & Flexibility Collaborator: feyrelay Link: AO3 Square Filled: T4 - Accidental Marriage Ship: Starker Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Alternate Universe - Victorian, Arranged Marriage, Class Differences Summary: Tony Stark meddles with the romantic and aspirational fortunes of those in his acquaintance as often as possible; he tinkers with fates as well as machines and formulae, and he considers it a form of generosity and atonement for a) being so criminally and miserably over-privileged, and b) his past mistakes.When the match he'd been brokering between his head housekeeper's, May Parker's, nephew and the sadly recently deceased son of Norman Osborn, a business associate, ends up impossible... Tony steps in. After all, the small upstate town in this great state of New York finds it unseemly that an unattached male teach schoolchildren, lest either be an unwelcome distraction to the other.And Peter Parker had already taken the post, you see. There is really nothing else to be done but for Tony to marry the young schoolmaster himself. Word Count: 4590

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Title: The kill shot - Chapter 7 Collaborator: Fighting_for_Creativity Link: AO3 Square Filled: A5 - Image: Working on Bucky’s Arm Ship: WinterIron Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Alcohol, Cheating(past), Dinner, Fluff, Identity Porn Summary: After they spent a wonderful night with each other James slipps out, but not before making breakfast.Tony has a heart to heart with JARVIS.And James has a dream, which is more a memory than anything else.Later the two have another date. Word Count: 13,329

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Title: Overexposure Collaborator: hddnone Link: AO3 Square Filled: A5 - Photoshoot Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Photographer!Bucky, Alternate Universe - No Powers Summary: When Bucky gets a chance to photograph Tony Stark - yes, that Tony Stark - it's the biggest break in his career. It doesn't matter that Bucky has a tiny, itty bitty crush on Tony. It doesn’t matter that it’s a lingerie photoshoot, or that the pictures won't ever be seen by anyone outside Bucky, Tony, and Tony's wholly undeserving boyfriend.Bucky is going to be an absolute goddamn professional. Word Count: 1068

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Title: Bing Bang Bingo Collaborator: Kou Link: AO3 Square Filled: A4 - Bucky Barnes/Winter Soldier Ship: Pepperony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence Summary: Tony helps Steve with his problem and tries to rationalize why he's willing to harbor a known war criminal. Word Count: 1040

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Title: The Auld Triangle Collaborator: Menatiera Link: Tumblr Square Filled: A2 - Labyrinth Ship: WinterIron, Stuckony Rating: Gen Major Tags: Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub; Alternate Universe - No Powers; established bucky/tony; Mutual Pining; Fluff; Flirting; Irish Steve Rogers; Irish Sarah Rogers; Polyamory; Polyamory Negotiations Summary: Moodboard. (Fic summary: In which Steve owns a failing Irish bar and Bucky works at that bar and is also married to Tony and the latter two desperately want to bring the former one into their relationship…But this is Steve, Tony, and Bucky we’re talking about. So they’re idiots about it.) Word Count: N/A

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Title: Through a Child’s Eyes, It’s Different - Chapter 6: Very Familiar Eyes Collaborator: rebelmeg Link: AO3 Square Filled: K2 - Flying Ship: Pepperony, Tony & Avengers, Iron Squad Rating: Teen Major Tags: deaged Tony, angst/fluff/humor, science and magic gone wrong, post-CACW drama, Team Cap Critical Summary: Rhodey's in a panic trying to find Tony in the rubble created by the explosion. Problem is, Tony isn't there. There's just a little kid with big brown eyes that look awfully familiar... Word Count: 12,090

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Title: my body is not their bed xvii Collaborator: Simi Link: AO3 Square Filled: S5 - Tony Stark/Natasha Romanoff Ship: Bucky/Tony/Steve/Natasha Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Soulmate AU, Female Tony Stark, Toni is Raised by HYDRA, Explicit Sexual Content, PTSD, Aftermath of Torture Summary: In 1995, the Engineer and the Winter Soldier escape HYDRA and end up, bleeding, on Peggy Carter's doorstep.This is their journey after. This is the story of their victory march. Word Count: 94,402

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Title: Because I could not stop for Death - (He kindly stopped for me) - Chapter 3 Collaborator: Faustess Link: AO3 Square Filled: R1 - Angst Ship: WinterPepperony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Inspired by Corpse Bride (2005), Angst with a Happy Ending, Not Cheating, Pre-Poly, Supernatural Elements Summary: Tony likes Sergeant Bucky Barnes and if they'd met under other circumstances, he could have been happy. But Bucky's dead... and Tony's not. Meanwhile, the Potts's are short one groom for the wedding. And our favorite field mouse is livid Word Count: 4787

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Title: JARVIS Play Despacito Collaborator: thudworm Link: AO3 Square Filled: R3 - WTF Ship: JARVIS & Steve Rogers Rating: Gen Major Tags: texting fic, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century Summary: Text conversation between JARVIS and Steve Word Count: 446

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Title: Hadid - Chapter 3 Collaborator: thudworm Link: AO3 Square Filled: R4- [Image of Tony & Rhodey hugging in IM1] Ship: IronHusbands Rating: Teen Major Tags: Dragon Riders, Iron Man 1 AU, Mutual Pining Summary: An AU of Iron Man 1, now with added dragons. Word Count: 4786

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Title: It is the wind, that shows you the way. Collaborator: HogwartsToAlexandria Link: AO3 Square Filled: S4 - A Wedding and A Funeral Ship: Pepperony Rating: Mature Major Tags: soulmate AU Summary: You find your soulmate in a dream they say, and that dream can be so many things at once sometimes you don't realize that's what your subconscious has been telling you, and yet it was. Word Count: 1984

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Title: Las Vegas Wedding Collaborator: Violettavonviolet Link: AO3 Square Filled: T5 - hindsight Ship: IronHusbands Rating: Gen Major Tags: secret relationship, hindsight, DADT, secret wedding Summary: They had talked about it a lot after gay marriage was finally legalized. They didn’t marry because of the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, but now that it was repealed, Rhodey knew what would happen. or: Tony and Rhodey have a Las Vegas Wedding because they can, finally they can. Word Count: 1610

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Title: The anatomy of a dying star - Chapter 2 Collaborator: justanotherpipedream Link: AO3 Square Filled: A2 - Mind control or Brainwashing Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Firefly AU Summary: When Captain Bucky Barnes opened the crate, he was surprised. He thought of a million things that he might find, a hidden food-stash, some contraband supplies, maybe even a collection of weird dolls, Bucky wasn't one to judge. But what he never expected was to see the outline of a man, a very naked man, shivering as he woke up, blue eyes staring back him. Word Count: 6705

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Title: Cheer - Chapter 2 Collaborator: hddnone Link: AO3 Square Filled: R2 - Sam Wilson/Falcon Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: none Summary: The one where the Avengers are a collegiate cheerleading team making their way to Nationals. Word Count: 2073

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Title: Tears In Heaven Collaborator: thudworm Link: AO3 Square Filled: A1- Resolve Ship: Tony Stark & Morgan Stark, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, James “Rhodey” Rhodes & Tony Stark Rating: Gen Major Tags: Major Character Death, Avengers Endgame compliant, heavy angst Summary: He’d done it. Thanos was gone, turned to dust along with his army. Tony just needed to find something to lean against. Just to give him some support while he got his breath back. Word Count: 581

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Title: Order and Chaos Collaborator: The_Alias (Artemis_Day) Link: AO3 Square Filled: R2 - Angel/Demon AU Ship: Pepperony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Angel/Demon AU Summary: You can't have one without the other. Word Count: 1683

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Title: Only Fool Rush In Collaborator: thudworm Link: AO3 Squares Filled: Chapter 1: S5 - No Powers Chapter 2: Jan Adopted Prompt - Fake Marriage/Marriage of Convenience Chapter 3: K5 - Drunk Dialing/Wrong Number Ship: Stony Rating: Teen Major Tags: College AU, fake marriage, age difference (Steve is 25, Tony is 18) Summary: Due to a condition in Howard's will, Tony needs to find someone willing to sham marry him before he can claim his inheritance. Including taking over Stark Industries. The facts that Steve is the one who volunteered to help, and that Tony has a massive crush on him, shouldn't be a problem. Right? Word Count:

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Title: The anatomy of a dying star - Chapter 3 Collaborator: justanotherpipedream Link: AO3 Square Filled: R4: Helen Cho Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Firefly AU Summary: When Captain Bucky Barnes opened the crate, he was surprised. He thought of a million things that he might find, a hidden food-stash, some contraband supplies, maybe even a collection of weird dolls, Bucky wasn't one to judge. But what he never expected was to see the outline of a man, a very naked man, shivering as he woke up, blue eyes staring back him. Word Count:

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Title: Comfy Collaborator: festiveferret Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S3 - Cuddling Ship: Stuckony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Cuddling, Fluff, Snuggles Summary: none Word Count: 440

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Title: Through The Looking... Portal Collaborator: MagicaDraconia16 Link: AO3 Squares Filled: Chapter 1: adopted prompt - Sent to a Different Dimension Chapter 2: A4 - Multiverse Shenanigans Chapter 3: adopted prompt - Meeting Alternate Universe Counterparts Ship: Tony & Bucky Rating: Teen Major Tags: the odd swearing, dimension travel, magical accidents, Reed Richards' portals Summary: Reed Richards was an absolute menace. Of course, it was Tony's fault for touching the obviously magical object in the first place. What else would you expect from something that came from a portal designed to look into alternate dimensions? Word Count: 5215

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Title: Welcome to the Jungle - Chapter One Collaborator: monobuu Link: AO3 Square Filled: A2 - Trapped/Isolated Ship: WinterIron Rating: Mature Major Tags: Video Game Violence, Cursing, (Video Game) Death Summary: A GAME FOR THOSE WHO SEEK TO FIND - A WAY TO LEAVE THEIR WORLD BEHIND Word Count: 1286

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Title: Faked Collaborator: festiveferret Link: Tumblr Square Filled: T4 - IMAGE: Jan & Tony Ship: Stony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Fake Relationship, Jealousy Summary: none Word Count: 570

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Title: Love Is True In Fairy Tales Collaborator: periwinklepromise Link: AO3 Square Filled: Ship: None Rating: Gen Major Tags: none Summary: Locked away in a castle and guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon, Natasha is still waiting for a knight so bold as to rescue her. When her rescuer finally comes, he's ... a little unorthodox, she must admit Word Count: 851

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Title: High on You Collaborator: hddnone Link: AO3 Square Filled: T2 - Wolfgang von Strucker Ship: WinterIron Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Sex Pollen, Dubious Consent, Non-consensual drug use (from the sex pollen), allusion to Clint/Nat/Steve Summary: Sex pollen. Just another Tuesday as an Avenger. Strucker is wrong about it distracting the Avengers too much to fight - well, with the exception of those with the serum. It hits them a little differently than the rest of the team. Word Count: 3481

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Title: A bet for love Collaborator: Violettavonviolet Link: AO3 Square Filled: S2 - Misunderstandings Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: shovel talk, misunderstanding, pining, POV Bucky Barnes Summary: Bucky has been pining after Tony for months, and the other avengers finally decide to step in. Any idiot can see that Tony like Bucky. So, one morning, Clint makes a bet with Bucky. He has to ask Tony out and Clint does his reports for a month. Bucky does and sure enough they start dating, sadly neither of them are good at communicating and now Tony is holed up in his lab. or: A small misunderstanding can lead to a big fall out. Jarvis is scary protective and Bucky and Tony are really just a couple of dumbasses. Word Count: 2433

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Title: Skein Collaborator: onlymorelove Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S1 - Secret Hobby Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: moodboard Summary: Tony loves to knit.

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Title: A Veritable Landslide of Creatures Collaborator: betheflame Link: AO3 Square Filled: T5 - Attacked by a creature Ship: Stony Rating: Gen Major Tags: none Summary: Peter likes to sleep with a few too many stuffed animals for his dads' liking. Word Count: 1155

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Title: Cinderella AU - free art fill by monobuu Collaborator: summerpipedream Link: Tumblr Square Filled: free art fill - T2: Cinderella Story Ship: Stony Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: Cinderella AU with Steve and Tony

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Title: The anatomy of a dying star - Chapter 4 Collaborator: justanotherpipedream Link: AO3 Square Filled: A3 - free space Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Firefly AU Summary: When Captain Bucky Barnes opened the crate, he was surprised. He thought of a million things that he might find, a hidden food-stash, some contraband supplies, maybe even a collection of weird dolls, Bucky wasn't one to judge. But what he never expected was to see the outline of a man, a very naked man, shivering as he woke up, blue eyes staring back him. Word Count: 6705

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Title: “That treasure of yours better be worth it Stark!” - Moodboards Collaborator: sianmcawesome Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S5 - AU: Adventurers/Explorers Ship: Bucky/Clint/Tony Rating: Gen Major Tags: snakes, skulls, medical equipents (for pics under the cut), mention of Obediah Stane Summary: 4 moodboards for the WinterIronHawk meets Indiana Jones/National Treasure/Blood and Treasure/every other Treasure Hunter movie and show out there story I´ll probably never get around to writing.

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Title: Bing Bang Bingo - Chapter 3: TSBingo K1: Meet Ugly Collaborator: Starkangejr Link: AO3 Square Filled: K1 - Meet Ugly Ship: Pepperony Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Alternate Universe--Canon Divergence, Manipulation, SIM!Tony, Attempted Murder, Minor Character Death Summary: Superior Iron Man always gets what he wants. Word Count: 2484

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Title: feed each other and call it love Collaborator: ohjustpeachy Link: AO3 Square Filled: S1 - Steve/Tony Ship: Stony Rating: Gen Major Tags: none Summary: Steve works late, Tony builds a robot, and they show their feelings the only way they know how: through food. Word Count: 1823

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Title: Alarmed Collaborator: festiveferret Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S4 - Adrenaline Rush Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: fluff Summary: none Word Count: 770

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Title: For Want of a Nail Collaborator: tisfan Link: AO3 Square Filled: Adopted - Centaur AU Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Human/Demi-Human Relationships, Summary: The centaur, Bucky, is traveling to the witch coven to get the herbs needed to alleviate his herd-mate’s cough. On the way, he throws a shoe. Centaurs don’t usually associate much with humans, but what choice has he got? Word Count: 3909

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Title: God Is Great Collaborator: tisfan Link: AO3 Square Filled: Mod Fill for tinydragontony K5 - Forgotten Things Ship: FrostIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: Marriage Proposal, Religious Rituals Summary: Tony wants to make sure he has Loki's undivided attention... Word Count: 525

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Title: Untitled Collaborator: peachy Link: Tumblr Square Filled: T1 - AU: Gothic Ship: Stony Rating: Gen Major Tags: Moodboard Summary: An au where Tony’s parents die mysteriously, leaving him to inherit Stark Mansion, the house he’s spent years trying to escape, and Steve is the detective assigned to the case who gets far too involved. Word Count: N/A

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Title: Ghost of Unprotected Sex Past - Can’t Sleep? Collaborator: G Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S1 - Phobia Ship: Tony Stark x F!Reader // IronDad Rating: Teen Major Tags: Cursing, mention of nightmares, insomnia, mention of spiders and spider bites Summary: You and Tony have a late-night chat about your fears and anxieties. Word Count:

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Title: The Princes and the Pauper Collaborator: Fighting_for_Creativity Link: AO3 Square Filled: Adopted - Royalty Ship: Stony Rating: Mature Major Tags: Royalty Au, Envy/Jealousy, Evil Twin, inspired by the fairytale 'The Prince And The Pauper' Summary: A twin brother could be one of the most wonderful things life could gift you with.For the longest time, Anthony though of his twin Gregory as such that.Little did he know, that his brother wasn't as content with life like Anthony was.In a world where only the firstborn can inherit, the second-born twin falls victim to greed. Word Count: 1104

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Title: Thank You for Waking Me Up - Chapter 2 Collaborator: hddnone Link: AO3 Square Filled: Adopted - AU: Anime Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: None Summary: Tony almost died. Well, he did die and then was brought back to life, but that was supposed to be a secret. He wants to go back to his college life at MIT and designing robots with Rhodey, but his second chance at life means that he has the Grim Reaper who goes by the name of Phil Coulson trying to train him to save the world.He's probably not meant to flirt with the demons he's supposed to be catching. Word Count: 2808

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Title: Date Night Collaborator: Artemis Day Link: AO3 Square Filled: T4 - Spy, Secret Agent, Assassin, or Hitman Ship: Pepperony Rating: Mature Major Tags: Enemies to Lovers, Mild Sexual Content Summary: Seven O'Clock. Tony Stark was home alone. Word Count: 1387

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Title: Through a Child’s Eyes, It’s Different - Chapter 20: A Breakthrough Collaborator: rebelmeg Link: AO3 Square Filled: R5 - Stephen Strange Ship: Pepperony, Iron Squad, Minor Jane/Thor Rating: Teen Major Tags: Deaged Tony, Science and Magic Summary: Dr. Strange's Cloak behaves oddly, and a breakthrough comes from an unexpected source. Word Count: 35,704

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Title: A Bun (Well, Cookies) in the Oven Collaborator: eachpeachpearplum Link: AO3 Square Filled: S5 - Tony Stark/Pepper Potts Ship: Pepperony Rating: Gen Major Tags: Fluff, So Much Fluff, Pregnancy, Baking Summary: Pepper is tired, achy, and has had more than enough of people telling her she's glowing. Fortunately, Tony is a genius, and knows just how to cheer her up. (It's just a pity cooking isn't one of his strengths.) Word Count: 1214

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Title: The Rest is Fate Collaborator: FestiveFerret Link: Tumblr Square Filled: A4 - Cinderella Story Ship: Stony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Pining, Unrequited Love (Or Is It?) Summary: Word Count: 886

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Title: A Bakery Bodyswap Collaborator: Gavilan Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S5 - Body Swap Ship: WinterIron Rating: G Major Tags: Bodyswap, Baking, Photo Story, Food, Images of Food Summary: A photo story. Word Count: N/A

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Title: It’s Our Choices That Define Us Collaborator: InTheShadows Link: AO3 Square Filled: K2 - Anticipation Ship: Loki & Tony Stark Rating: Gen Major Tags: Hogwarts AU, Sorting Fic Summary: Loki and Tony are Sorted into their Hogwarts Houses. Anyone who thinks they already know the outcome are fools. This two never do the expected after all. Word Count: 1971

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Title: That’s What She Said Collaborator: FestiveFerret Link: AO3 Square Filled: R5 - Ho Yinsen Ship: Stuckony Rating: E Major Tags: Get Together, Drunk Consent Summary: Steve had a massive crush on his TA, which he was hiding from his boyfriend, until a chance meeting in the chip aisle at Target changed everything. Word Count: 3378

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Title: That’s What She Said Collaborator: betheflame Link: AO3 Square Filled: K5 - Shopping Together Ship: Stuckony Rating: E Major Tags: Get Together, Drunk Consent Summary: Steve had a massive crush on his TA, which he was hiding from his boyfriend, until a chance meeting in the chip aisle at Target changed everything. Word Count: 3378

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Title: Chances Are Collaborator: tinydragontony Link: AO3 Square Filled: Adopted - Tony in the Workshop Ship: FrostIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: Domestic Fluff Summary: What's Jarvis playing over the intercom system? That sure doesn't sound like AC/DC... Word Count: 28,050

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Title: Sun’s Out, Guns Out Collaborator: only_more_love Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S2 - Thanos Ship: N/A Rating: Gen Major Tags: Moodboard Summary: Even supervillains need time to unwind. Word Count: N/A

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Title: First Kiss Collaborator: Monobuu for Lacrimula Falsa Link: Tumblr Square Filled: Mod art fill for Lacrimula Falsa T3 - First Kiss Ship: IronAgent Rating: Gen Major Tags: N/A Summary: Art Word Count: N/A

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Title: Pretty For You Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange Link: Tumblr Square Filled: Adopted - Kink: Crossdressing Ship: Stony Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Crossdressing, Sexual Content Summary: For some fun Steve puts on one of the USO Tour Girl dresses for Tony. Word Count: N/A

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Title: Discipline Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange Link: AO3 Square Filled: K5 - Kink: Caning Ship: Stony Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Sexual Content, BDSM, Uniform Kink Summary: “Do you know why you are here, Captain?” Tony asks, eyeing up the soldier standing to attention before him. Word Count: 1587

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Title: Pull of the Tide Collaborator: DarthBloodOrange Link: AO3 Square Filled: K1 - Kink: Interfemoral/Intercrural Ship: Stony Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Sexual Content, Food Sex, Intercrural Sex Summary: Tony is tired after a long day at the lifeguard convention he was attending. All Tony wants it to sleep. Sometimes life doesn’t give you what you want…… Sometimes it give you something better. Word Count: 2100

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Title: scenes from an Italian restaurant Collaborator: peachy Link: AO3 Square Filled: A3 - Free Ship: Stony Rating: Gen Major Tags: Marriage Proposal, Established Relationship, Domestic Fluff, Summary: Steve gets back from a mission, and they go to dinner. Word Count: 1131

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Title: A Box of Scraps in a Cave Collaborator: betheflame Link: AO3 Square Filled: A1 - Image: MK 1 Ship: Stony, WinterFalcon Rating: Teen Major Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff Summary: “Jarvis, report?” Tony said quietly.“Master Peter has opened the box and lit the forge.”“After eight hours of scowling at it, that’s quite a bit of progress,” Tony quipped. Word Count: 2648

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Title: Ice Breaker Collaborator: Fighting_for_Creativity Link: AO3 Square Filled: R1 - Popsicle Ship: IronFalcon Rating: Gen Major Tags: Fluff, First Date, Dorks in Love Summary: The moment Sam asked him for a date had filled Tony with nervous anticipation and tension.Why the hell the weather decided to be as unbearable hot as it was on that day, only heaven knows.At least Sam and he were able to get some cooling popsicles. Word Count: 1472

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Title: The Eye of a Spy Collaborator: fighting_for_Creativity Link: AO3 Square Filled: R4 - Movie Retelling Ship: IronFury Rating: Mature Major Tags: Movie Retelling Summary: Ever since he had been a much younger agent, Fury had the questionable pleasure of knowing Tony Stark on a slightly more personal level. Over the years though, he couldn't help but think of it more as a privilege.Tony Stark was something else.Maybe, just maybe, Tony Stark was exactly what Nicholas Joseph Fury needed. Word Count: 3001

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Title: The Reunion Collaborator: FestiveFerret Link: AO3 Square Filled: A2 - Pining Ship: WinterIron, Stucky, Stuckony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Pining, Get Together Summary: Bucky's upcoming ten-year high school reunion is dredging up memories of something else that ended ten years ago. He tries to ignore the way it makes him feel, but his boyfriend, Tony, has other ideas. Word Count: 3162

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Title: Size Him Up, Take Him Down - Chapter 3 Collaborator: Romancebyfaye Link: AO3 Square Filled: R5 - Cheesy Ship: Stony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Dom/Sub Summary: Steve is small and slight. For this reason others often assume he isn't a Dominant or is incapable of being a good Dominant. It doesn't seem to matter that Submissives, Dominants, Switches, and Nulls come in all shapes and sizes. He's had more than his fair share of fighting against stereotypes, so when Natasha mistakes his designation and introduces him to another Dominant who seems more than interested in taking him down, Steve perhaps responds in a less than ideal manner.Only now Nat is pissed at him and it seems he may have fallen prey to the exact kind of thinking he has always despised. Word Count: 5829

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Title: A Matter of Efficiency Collaborator: FestiveFerret Link: AO3 Square Filled: T5 - The End Ship: Stony Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Crack, Enemas to Lovers, The Butt Chug Fic Summary: Somehow, Steve is defying all known science about him and managing to get drunk. Regularly. Tony is determined to figure out how. Word Count: 6558

#tonystarkbingo2020 #tsb2020 #tsb weekly roundup #tsb week 25

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weerd1 · 5 years

Text

Star Trek DS9 Rewatch Log, Stardate 1909.17: Missions Reviewed, “Inquisition,” “In the Pale Moonlight,” and “His Way.”

In “Inquisition,” Bashir is repairing Chief’s shoulder after a kayaking accident (again) and preparing to go to a medical conference. When he wakes up for his trip he is remarkably groggy and matters are made worse when he is called to ops because Starfleet Internal Affairs, led by a Director Sloan, has come to investigate DS9’s senior staff as someone has been leaking information to the Dominion.

After some time confined to quarters, Julian is just briefly questioned by Sloan, but all seems well. Returning to his quarters, he finds they have been searched, and he receives a cryptic message from O’Brien that Miles had been questioned for two hours, and ONLY about Julian. In a second interrogation, Sloan reveals that he believes Bashir was actually turned during his time in a Dominion prison, and has sublimated all memories of this, making him the perfect spy. Sloan admits that Bashir’s motivation is to save lives, hence using the genetically engineered think tank from “Statistical Probabilities” to try and convince the Federation to surrender. Bashir continues to deny, but Sloan, seemingly with no accountability to anyone but himself begins to raise the stakes. Things just become difficult when Julian is suddenly whisked away in a transporter, and finds himself with Weyoun on a Dominion vessel. The Vorta tells him that in fact he HAS been working for the Founders, but now he has been compromised. Bashir, still simply can’t remember any such programming. Soon after though the Defiant arrives, and Kira and Worf beam over to rescue Bashir. When he’s back on the Defiant though, he is treated as a prisoner. The crew has turned against him. When even O’Brien literally turns his back on Bashir, Julian reaches out to turn Miles back to him, and realizes that O’Brien doesn’t have the shoulder injury he just treated the day before. Everything disappears and a black-clad Sloan is standing with Julian in a holodeck. Sloan explains to Bashir that he runs a branch of Starfleet intelligence called “Section 31” and all of this has been to confirm Bashir’s loyalty for recruitment into the covert organization.

Sloan promises Bashir will see him again. Back on DS9, Bashir realizes he’s been gone since the morning he woke up (which was actually after just an hour’s sleep to keep him off balance). Sisko makes inquiries to Starfleet about Section 31, and the admiralty will neither confirm nor deny their existence. Sisko and Bashir decide they want to infiltrate this organization, so if 31 comes calling again, Sisko advises Bashir to join.

The introduction of something that will become a major plot point throughout the rest of Star Trek. Section 31 will of course continue to appear in DS9 for the rest of the show, we will find out they were already operating in the Earth Starfleet in the 2150s during “Enterprise.” Section 31 is responsible for thawing Khan and trying to provoke a war with the Klingon Empire in “Star Trek Into Darkness.” And finally, the existence and actions of S31 play heavily into the second season of “Discovery.” The Kafka-esque feel of this entire episode is perfect, even if it seems like this is something they would generally do to Miles for the annual “let’s screw with O’Brien” episode. Bashir is a perfect choice though- well placed, genetically engineered, has already made friends with men like Garak, and someone who replicates espionage on the holosuite. Can’t overstate how perfect William Sadler is as Sloan either. It’s a pointed discussion. A utopia like the Federation may not be able to exist without someone behind the scenes doing the wrong things for the right reasons. At least one of out main crew would never do that, right?

“In the Pale Moonlight,” is told entirely as a personal log entry from Benjamin Sisko. He is talking about how “it all went wrong” when he posted a casualty report; the Federation/Klingon alliance is not doing well against the Dominion. Talking with Dax, he realizes they need to get the Romulans to break their non-aggression pact with the Dominion and come into the Alpha Quadrant alliance. Sisko is convinced that the Founders plan to invade Romulus when the main war is done, but will need proof to get the Romulans to act. He approaches Garak to see if anyone can get such records off of Cardassia, but Garak reports back that the Dominion has killed every operative he still as contact with on Cardassia.

Garak suggests faking the proof; he can get a blank Cardassian data rod, and he knows a forger who could build a holo program to demonstrate the “briefing” regarding turning toward Romulus. Sisko is resistant…until another casualty report comes, and Sisko realizes perhaps the ends do justify the means. They proceed with the plan which keeps having moral red flags pop up, but finally convince a Romulan senator to stop at the station and see the “evidence.” The senator analyzes the data and discovers the forgery. He leaves, potentially to tell his government that the Federation tried to trick them into the war, likely leading them to join the Dominion. The senator’s shuttle explodes on the way home, and the Romulans discover the forged rod, believing it to be real and the reason the Dominion destroyed the shuttle. Sisko knows it was Garak who killed the senator (and the forger on the side) and had really planned this from the beginning. But when the Romulans attack the Dominion, Garak tells Sisko they may have saved the Alpha Quadrant, and all it cost was one senator, one criminal, and the self-respect of one Starfleet Officer.

Sisko closes out the dictation of his log:

“So… I lied. I cheated. I bribed men to cover up the crimes of other men. I am an accessory to murder. But most damning of all… I think I can live with it… And if I had to do it all over again… I would. Garak was right about one thing – a guilty conscience is a small price to pay for the safety of the Alpha Quadrant. So I will learn to live with it…Because I can live with it…I can live with it. Computer – erase that entire personal log."

I know I say this more than once during this show but: Holy shit. First there’s Avery Brooks’ performance throughout the episode. As he dictates the log he is just mesmerizing to watch. Andrew Robinson as Garak of course is fantastic. This is of course the origin of the internet meme “It’s a FAAAAKE!” from Senator Vrenek.

And the moral conundrum is really captivating. This is an episode a lot of DS9 detractors use to point out how antithetical they believe DS9 is to “Gene Roddenberry’s vision.” I would argue they forget that classic Trek had many of the same tropes. Watch “Errand of Mercy” and how quickly Kirk and Spock are willing to risk the lives of what they believe to be simple peasants in order to stymie the Klingons. Or “A Private Little War” where Kirk provides rifles to a stone age tribe so the can fight a proxy war against a side supported by the Klingons. Kirk referring to himself as a “soldier” or his line from “A Taste of Armageddon,” “We can admit that we’re killers, but we will not kill today.” Yes, Trek offers a positive view of humanity’s future, but it also uses its science fiction setting to examine the human condition without ever saying humans are perfect. There is no way to examine the human condition without examining what we as a species are willing to do in war. As someone who still periodically has to assess what I did defending my county (and more than once found myself not meeting my own ethical standards) I appreciate Trek asking us to do that, asking us to take a look at ourselves, what we have done, and what we can live with. I can live with it. I will learn to live with it.

Will you?

“His Way” introduces us to Bashir’s new holosuite program, a swinging 60’s Vegas club and lounge singer named Vic Fontaine. The AI in the program is remarkably astute and quickly sums up everyone Bashir introduces to “Vic.” Even Odo becomes intrigued when Vic looks at he and Kira, begins to ask about their status but shies away. Odo begins to go the holosuite to ask Vic for advice on Kira.

They run through a series of exercises to help Odo learn to be “smooth,” and eventually program another 60s character, a torch singer based on Kira. Vic actually on his own reaches out to Kira to tell her to be in the holosuite to have dinner with Odo, and tells Odo that they are working with the hologram again. The two are having a wonderful date when Odo begins to lament that this isn’t the real Kira. When he find out it is he storms out. The two of them meet on the promenade and begin to argue about whether or not they should try it again. “Well then after dinner, I suppose I should try to kiss you then!” Odo shouts. “Maybe!” Kira counters. “Why wait, maybe I should just kiss you now!” “Maybe you should!” and he does. After five years of mooning over her, Odo and Kira have finally come together.

Oh. MY. GOD. How frickin’ sweet. This episode is simply adorable, and the whole scene with them on the promenade is just lovely. Always good to see your OTP (that’s internet talk- “one true pairing”) made canon. It is just about damn time, and their joining is perfectly executed. Also, my sincere and heartfelt thanks to whomever on the DS9 writing staff decided we needed to see Kira in a slinky 60s dress perform “Fever” while laying coquettishly across the piano Odo was playing. I just can’t thank you enough for that.

From the larger Trek standpoint though, we are beginning to deal with questions on the sentience of AI. Yes, The Doctor over on “Voyager” would seem to have been “awake” long enough to gain a self-awareness, but is Vic simply a hologram, or are these “lightbulbs” a new lifeform as much as Data was on TNG? There are some big SF philosophical questions going on behind this delightfully romantic episode.

NEXT VOYAGE: Ancient Bajoran prophecy comes back into play as it is Prophet vs. Pah-Wraith in “The Reckoning.”

#star trek #star trek: Deep Space Nine #ds9 rewatch

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jiminthestreets-bonesinthesheets · 5 years

Text

Lost in Translation

Title: Lost in Translation

Fandom: Star Trek

Pairing: Mckirk

Rating: Explicit

Tags: minor character death, hurt, little bit of self destruction, stranded, possible smut down the line

Summary:

“Attention citizens. This is the crew of the Enterprise asking for your aid. On Stardate 2264.78 a shuttle manned by our captain and fourteen cadets was ambushed by an unknown source and chased out of sight of our ship and into open space. Those cadets as well as our captain, James Tiberius Kirk, are still missing. We are asking anyone with any information on their whereabouts, or regarding the attack, to please contact the Enterprise immediately. Our family would appreciate any assistance you can give.”

AO3 Link

Masterlist

Special Thanks: wanted to give a huge shout out to my girl Katie, AKA @goingknowherewastaken for being a huge inspiration for this fic as well as for being a huge help (especially when it comes to putting up with my frantic ramblings lol) you're awesome boo <3

A/N: So this is a work in progress but it’s basically finished and I’ve been making great headway with this recently, so this will be the first fic I’ve ever finished! Woohoo!! And I'm thinking that I’ll probably stick to a Sunday post schedule.

Also a little note for y’all to keep in mind while reading. I have tagged this fic “possible eventual smut” and that’s because right now I don’t have any planned buuuuut… I'm going to leave that option up to you guys! Between the readers here and AO3, if you're still with me by the end of this fic, leave a comment and let me know if you would be interested in an epilogue or end scene with smut. I’ll post a reminder at the end, but keep it in mind while reading.

And if anyone is interested in being tagged for future posts for this fic or any others I may post, please let me know and I’ll add you to the list! Thanks for reading <3

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Chapter 1:

“Jim, no!”

Two words Jim had become most accustomed to hearing in their now almost four years in space. Also, the two words Jim had gotten very good at weaselling his way around.

As their fellow crew mates piled into the loading bay around them, Jim laid a gentle hand on his best friends shoulder, giving it a light squeeze before saying, “Bones, I don’t know what you're so worried about. We’re going from the ship to the planet’s surface, nothing is going to happen.”

“I already hate these flying metal death traps as it is, Jim, I don’t need the added headache of you on one of them alone.” Bones was near tomato red at the distress he felt in this argument, but Jim insisted it had to be this way. Didn’t mean bones had to like it.

“I won’t be alone, Bones,” he smiled at his friend, “I’ll have fourteen other cadets on board with me.”

Bones scoffed, turning away from Jim for a second before rounding on him again, “You mean fourteen fresh out of the academy cadets, who have no idea what they are doing, let alone what protocol is if something should happen! And I don’t see any of them in medical blues, so what good’ll that do ya?!”

“Bones!” Jim exclaimed, chuckling a little, “I don’t know what you're so worried about? What could possibly happen in the short distance from here to there?”

“Anything, Jim!” he threw his arms up, slapping them hard against his thighs, “Anything could happen in this god forsaken black nightmare! And if I'm not there to help you, who will?!”

Jim couldn’t help but laugh, “Bones, why did you ever apply for Starfleet?”

The doctor shook his head, he knew why, but it was the “who” that mattered in that equation. The “who” that kept him in line, that kept him focused, and who forced him to remain in the academy rather them turning tail and running for the hills like he had wanted to after his first flight simulation training. It was Jim, he was the reason why Leonard had made it this far. “Kid, I think you know exactly why I dragged my sorry ass all the way up here. Had a lot to do with an over adventurous and dangerously impulsive, sandy blond.”

“Awe, Bones, you're making me blush.”

He ignored Jim's comment as he continued, “Not to mention cocky, clumsy, accident prone-”

“Alright, alright, I get it,” he shook the doctors shoulder lightly, bringing his eyes back to look at his own, “even though nothing is going to happen, I promise to be careful. Now, you just get on the smaller ship with Spock, Ny, Sulu, and Chekov, and I’ll take the new cadets and meet you down there, okay?”

Bones furrowed his brows, still not happy with the outcome, but Jim was giving him no other option. “I don’t like this, Jim. I should be with you on that shuttle, just in case.” Jim only huffed a small sigh in response, “And why do you always have to be Mr. Fantastic? Let someone else take the kids alone, or at least let me come with you.”

Jim turned his best friend, then pulled him into his side with an arm around his shoulder, “Because it would be nice to have some words of wisdom and guidance coming from their captain. Going on your first ground mission is scary, Bones, I want to make sure that they know they can trust me and come to me for help if they are scared. And I can’t bring you along anyways. There’s a rumour going around amongst the younger cadets about a certain grumpy doctor with an arm full of hypos ready to attack. They’re afraid of you, Bones, having you there staring them down wont help their nerves.”

“My hypos are only for you.” Jim smiled at that. “But I guess you have a point.”

Jim walked Bones to the door of the smaller shuttle, waiting outside for Bones to step in before he turned back to look him in the eyes once again, “Don’t worry, Bones, we’ll be right beside you, it’ll be fine.”

“It better be,” he grumbled in typical Bones fashion, before clasping Jim on the shoulder, allowing his hand to linger for just a moment, then letting go as the door to the shuttle closed between them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When the door to Bones’s shuttle were fully closed and sealed, Jim turned and made way for the larger shuttle to his left. The shuttle that held fourteen fresh and nervous cadets, probably not ready for their first ever ground mission.

Jim entered the shuttle, it was dead quiet, and every single cadet sat wide eyed and slightly pale in their seats. He knew it would be like this. Though the original crew of the enterprise was not given the luxury of a small and harmless field test, and were instead thrown into the crisis on Vulcan head first, he still expected nothing more then this.

“Cadet Velnium,” he announced as he made his way to the front of the shuttle.

“Aye, Captain!” A sharp looking young man stood quickly from his seat in a stiff salute to Jim, who smiled and shook him off.

“Take us down to the surface, Cadet, follow behind Commander Spock's shuttle to our right.”

“Aye, Captain!” the dark haired young man bounced past Jim and towards the helm, powering up the shuttle and waiting for the others to lead the way before following them out.

As the shuttle cruised out of the belly of the Enterprise, Jim stood before the rest of the cadets, they needed something to get them through and ease their minds.

“Cadets,” he began, all eyes instantly whipped up to meet his, “this is your first away mission, and I know you're all very nervous, but I have chosen one of the easiest missions the Enterprise has ever been sent on. So there is no need to be nervous. This planet has been previously visited by other federation ships in the past. If you’ve all read your mission statements, which I hope you have, you will have noted that the planets surface is non-hostile, with breathable oxygen, and no noted threats in the other ships logs. We are landing on the surface for approximately one hour to retrieve a handful of flora requested by the academy’s research department. Once we have acquired what we need, we will be returning to the Enterprise, mission completed. Any questions?”

The shuttle remained silent, all eyes still fixed on him at the front of the group.

He let go his most charming smile, making sure to give the cadets a second to take a breath and soak it all in before continuing, “Now, I know I'm your captain, but I don’t want that to intimidate you. Should you come into any trouble or have any questions at any time, I want you to feel comfortable enough to come to me with your concerns or suggestions. Here on the Enterprise we work as a team, as a family, and you are now a part of that. So, before we land, I would like you all to-”

Before he could finish the shuttle was violently jerked to the left and Jim was sent flying into the opposite wall. Alarms started going off all around them, the shuttle suddenly being covered in a glow of red, and the screams of the cadets filling his ears.

Jim instantly sprang into action, launching himself off the ground and planting himself in the seat beside his young pilot. He strapped himself in and commed the Enterprise, connecting Spock's shuttle to the call, “Kirk to Enterprise, we’re under attack, repeat, we are under attack and require immediate assistance. Do you copy?!”

Scotty’s voice rang clear through the shuttle, “Aye, Captain! We see ya!”

Spock's voice was the next to hit Jim's ears, before it was abruptly cut off by Bones screaming into the comm, “Jim, what the hell is going on?! Are you alright?!”

“I'm fine, Bones… for now.”

Jim's shuttle was hit again, this time hard enough to jostle them off path and away from the planets surface, “Shit!” he muttered as they took a third hit.

“Jim!” Bones was still screaming into the comm, Spock clearly having given up, “You're way off course, we’re coming around for you!”

“No!” Jim shouted this time, “You're close enough to the surface now and their ships are backing off your shuttle. Land on the surface and keep the crew safe, that’s an order.”

Jim rarely pulled the captain card with Bones, he hated to do it, but he knew if he didn’t Bones would make sure that shuttle was turned around and the entire crew would be in danger. It was bad enough that Jim's shuttle was taking fire, he didn’t need two shuttles caught in the middle.

“Jim-”

“Bones, listen to me, please,” the channel went silent, the cadets behind him went silent, but he didn’t care and continued pleading his case to his CMO, to his best friend, “Please keep the crew safe. Get them to the surface and when the Enterprise tells you its safe then head back to the ship. After that, when it’s all clear and you’re safe on the Enterprise, then you can come get me, Bones, but not until you’re safe.”

Jim felt like he was only talking to Bones now, not the rest of the crew, but Bones. Of course he cared about every single member of his crew, but he needed Bones to be safe, he needed him to be alive and well inside the walls of the ship. If he didn’t have at least that peace of mind, he wouldn’t make it through whatever he was about to face.

“Jim, I…”

“Spock!” If anyone would listen, it would be him.

“Aye, Captain,” came the oddly comforting monotone of the Vulcan, “I will assure that the Doctor is returned to the ship safely, you have my word, Jim.”

“Thank-you, Spock,” Jim’s shuttle was hit for a fourth time, sending them even further away from their ship, and with no where else to turn, they had no choice but to keep travelling in that exact direction, “Bones…”

“I'm here, Jim!” The two of them sounded almost hysterical now, but Jim knew he had to hold it together as best he could for the cadets behind him.

“Bones-”

“Jim!”

That was the last Jim heard from Bones or the Enterprise as their last hit knocked out all their comms. The only thing they could do was continue tying to outrun their attackers and hopefully find a safe planet to land on between here and there. The Enterprise was too far gone to help them now, and Jim had already made it clear that the shuttle containing the bridge crew and Bones was to be brought back on board before anything else was attempted.

Jim took a subtle, but calming breath, and plastered on a brave face for the young pilot beside him as he continued to try and get comms back up, “Cadet Velnium.”

“Aye, C-Captain,” came the shaky response.

“We’re going to try to out run them, or at least stay in front of them until I can find us a safe planet to land on. You can do this, you were top of your class in flight training, so if anyone can get us to safety it’s you. Just stay calm and focus on your task.”

The cadet gave Jim a brief nod, the shake in his hands becoming less visible as Jim's words of encouragement sunk in. Jim returned the nod and continued to work on the ships comms. Hopefully he could get something back up and running or else, if worse came to worse, the Enterprise would never find them, and Bones… he would never know what happened to him, and Jim wasn’t sure he could live with that guilt, even in death.

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A/N: So that's chapter one! Let me know what you guys think and if you’d like to be tagged in the future :)

And I’m gunna tag...

Mckirk: @goingknowherewastaken @bi-e-ne

And I’m sure I’m mising people but with tumblr being a bitch recently I’ve lost a bunch of stuff, so if I’ve forgetten you I’m sorry and please let me know <3

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