#when i'm feeling depressed or anxious then i isolate myself and if other people were to reach out to me first more then it would be less | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aeide-thea · 11 months

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an impulse i don't get—

or rather, so as not to be disingenuous, an impulse i get perfectly well but strongly dislike when i'm faced with it, which means i need to reexamine it in myself when i generate it—

is the impulse to sit in judgment about What Counts As Queer. like. yeah, okay, i do get it really, we're all disempowered by hegemonic culture and setting ourselves up as petty kings shores up our egos! but if there's anything i've loved about discovering queerness in and for myself, it's been the realization that there were worldviews beyond my own—and that there still are, almost certainly! that the world is a firework show of exploding possibility, and that i and my current understanding of myself and everyone else are just one bright spark in a whole connected series of them, and that more will come after me, bringing new colors and configurations to my field of vision, if i just keep my eyes open…

and so i just always feel. god. how close-minded, to shut your eyes to someone else's vision of queerness, to say not just 'that isn't a version of queerness that i recognize or feel represented by,' but to say categorically, 'that isn't queer'! if someone's saying in all sincerity, 'this feels alien to the framework i grew up with, and exciting or comforting or both to me'—i want to hear them out, and make space in my own understanding for a multiplicity of queernesses. i'm not always perfect at it! but i want to.

because what's the alternative? join with the biphobes and transphobes who would've said my gq4gq relationship with my transfem ex was really just straight, or at least enough of a union of opposites for government work? join with the aphobes and arophobes who are constantly insinuating that if you're not actively sucking or fucking, you're a square—never mind those of us who are isolated, or traumatized, or anxious, or any of the thousand other reasons why our queerness might not be siting itself in sex or romance, right now or ever! join with the people who sneer at poly and flinch from kink, as if reexamining those relational conventions were somehow cleanly separable from reexamining all the other ones—as if we should want it to be?

anyway, this is about a lot of things, really, and at least one of them i pretty actively don't want to talk about in specific; but i just think, god, i wish we could all learn a little more generosity, and a little more humility. we know the world, and the human heart, encompass more than is dreamt of in kyriarchal philosophy; why then are we so resistant to the idea that they might also encompass more than is dreamt of in our own? movement after movement of queers have come, and built, and been built upon in turn; our personal convictions are not, i feel certain, the final course to be laid down on the great work of enlightenment and liberation—and how depressing it would be, if they were!

#there's an invisible Works Referenced here that includes a post i keep not reblogging bc it's too aggro #but it's about like. there's no single masculinity or femininity #similarly i think. there's no single queerness‚ because there's no single straightness; it's a complex construction—constriction—#and so our resistance to it must necessarily be equally complex‚ to meet it where it crops up and set it aflame #and so like. just because something isn't your queerness‚ or mine‚ doesn't mean it can't be someone else's!#there's something else i was thinking of‚ too‚ but i forgot it already‚ lol #this isn't the like. clearly-structured post i wanted to write‚ i got mad and florid instead #and i expect i've left out some of what i meant #but like. sometimes you—i—have to just run with that‚ or else express nothing at all…#anyway i just think like. yeah‚ models of maybe-queerness we see in the world might wound us‚ or anyway look as though they might!#it's a possibility!#but what's not a possibility‚ but a certainty‚ is that the rhetoric i've seen used to *dismiss* various representations #as Not Queer Enough #has for SURE wounded me! and almost certainly wounded others who've just curled up silently and said nothing about it!#anyway. idk. 'NOT HET BUT HETERODOX‚' proclaims my protest sign #is this coherent without specifying all its context? maybe not. but the fundamental stance isn't contextual for me—#it's something i think is important to uphold‚ and where i fail at it (which i do!)‚ to give myself a good hard squint #and work out how to realign my reactions with the principles i actually want guiding them #anyway. good morning‚ lmao. have a diatribe

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rubykgrant · 4 months

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I'm no longer feeling waves of panic from my depression, but the guilt, shame, and regret are still there. Now it just feels like a heavy, dead-weight inside my chest. I also feel so terrible for making people worry about me. I don't want to cause anybody to feel anxious, and I definitely don't want to just cry for attention. It doesn't feel fair, to be comforted when I don't deserve it. It also isn't fair for people to "forgive" me, or encourage me to try and forgive myself. I've been a person who was hurtful, selfish, and a liar. It doesn't matter how sad I am now, or how many words I use to describe that sadness. Even a well-worded apology doesn't equal forgiveness. There are so many people I can't actually apologize to. Even if I could, how much distress would it cause, to just randomly say- "About seven or eight years ago, I was disrespectful, and now I'm finally sorry". People deserved to be respected ALL the time.

I didn't physically harm anybody, and this isn't about some form mistreatment that was motivated by bigotry, but I can't just keep telling myself "Well, at least I'm not THAT bad". It just feels like more lying to myself, or making an excuse. I may not have been "abusive", but I abused a sense of trust, in other people and myself. I lied to myself because I hated my life, and pretended I was special, but that just took away from any chance I had of actually being happy. Even though I finally looked at myself and saw my own bad behavior for what it was, and decided to stop, it was after years of being a bad person. No, not a bad person every day, not a bad person constantly, but still too much. I could also finally recognize other problems in my life, and saw how I had several years where I was hurting so much, it was like I emotionally stagnated. That still doesn't give me a pass to hurt other people. I know how bad it can be, to feel wronged in some way, to have things taken from you or have your feelings disregarded, and how that hurt can stay with you for years. How dare I do that to anybody else? Even with my own hindsight, I can't understand why I didn't care enough about other people. It feels so different from how I knew I once thought, and how I think now, but I can't make the excuse of "I was like a different person" and "I'm a better person now" either.

It is impossible for me to un-do or fix everything that has happened. It doesn't feel like I deserve to just move on and be happy. If I truly feel sorry, if I want to take responsibility for my actions, I should be punished somehow. Interacting with people, doing anything that makes them happy, feels like I'm "bribing" people into liking me, or tricking them into thinking I've become a decent person. It feels false, like lying for attention. If it were different, if people didn't know me now, if they had been hurt by me before, they would rightfully hate me. I shouldn't take up space or sympathy like that. So many other people deserve attention more than me. I've been selfish and yet also self-destructive before, and I want to stop thinking that way, but it all just keeps coming back to the guilt and shame. A liar shouldn't be trusted. How can I justify taking "more", when I was so selfish? I ruined my own life, and trying to make anything new from it seems unreasonable. How dare I be happy or feel "proud" of myself?

No matter how many times I was hurt, that's no excuse for bad behavior. Even though it started when I was a stupid kid, it went on as I grew up, from teenager to adult. Bad mistakes and bad habits turn into bad decisions and just bad behavior. I should have known how to treat people better. I don't want to just isolate and remove myself from everything, but I don't know how to reconcile who I've been with who I want to be. It even still feels selfish to focus on my own feelings at all. I wish I had been a decent enough person, somebody who wasn't even capable of being so hurtful and uncaring. I wish I could do more to put out goodness for others and actually help. I wish I could tell all the people who have shown me kindness and compassion how much I appreciate it, and I wish I was the kind of person who deserves it. I wish I really could find the motivation to move forward and be a better person, but it just doesn't feel deserved. There is still so much regret, so much shame and guilt. Crying about how sorry I am doesn't erase who I used to be. Any positive attention I get, it still feels like I'm tricking people. Being nice and trying to do good things doesn't erase any bad choices, and I don't want that anyway. I don't want to ignore any of this. I ignored part of my life that hurt when I was younger, and then I ignored how I was hurting other people as I grew up, and it just made things worse. I wish I could make things better, but it feels like that isn't possible

#depression #anxiety

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kaldurcalm · 3 months

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I'm once again being asked to choose between spending time with family for a meal and not risking exposure to a virus that could disable me for life.

My family thinks I'm just anxious and need to he brave about it. I do not want covid on top of what is almost definitely an autoimmune disorder.

I'm glad I haven't gotten it yet, but I've still been seeing them on a semi-regular basis. When covid first started I would go get tested every time I felt bad, but the tests kept coming back negative so I gave up.

I've given up a lot of the things I enjoy doing, and the rest of my family has had months of coughing and other issues, so I'm not sorry for being careful. It's just.

I know I've been exposed, and I haven't gotten it. I know I could be asymptomatic, but I did the drive through tests where they send it to a lab for you and I haven't gotten it.

So like. If I'm one of those people covid doesn't affect. And I've self isolated from most of society for 3 years? After years of basically doing that anyway because my friends grew up and moved on and I became more depressed?

I don't regret it, but it doesn't feel good.

I'm just trying to do the right thing, and people think it's ridiculous.

The people who are still being careful would tell me to mask around my family, but that's one fight I don't want to pick yet.

I wish it were easier to survive on my own. If I could support myself, at least I would be able to tell them that they can choose exposure or they can choose me. If I had people around me I could trust, I wouldn't have to rely on people who ask me to choose between safety and community.

I'm still going to see them tonight, because my sister only visits a few times a year. Which probably makes not dining out with them a moot point.

I just wish they didn't make me choose.

#personal

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callofdudes · 6 months

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This is gonna be another rant post. You don't have to read it. I just have nowhere else to put this.

You guys can tell me if this is bad to put this out here, but I honestly have no one else that I feel I can turn to with this, so I'll put it here. This post by @//wispscribbles has been on my mind lately. It perfectly sums up how I've been feeling lately.

It's been something I've been feeling since I knew the game would come out, and since I've taken other hits to my personal life. Major blows.

Why I don't feel I can go to anyone else is because to other people the idea of having such a strong, deep, emotional connection to a fictional character is stupid. and going to them with these things really hurts me when I hear that.

I grew up pretty much forced to be silent, a pretty abusive family never gave me opportunity to be my own person and tried to snatch that away from me. So I've always clung to fictional characters.

These made up characters were the only friends I had. And only just two years ago did I actually, really start growing a little circle of a couple friends for myself. I was always really isolated from all those things. So fictional characters was where I turned when I couldn't get love from my own family or bare minimum friendship.

And that really hurts me when stuff like this happens in the game...

I know it may be "stupid" because they did what they had to. But just the whole game in general and how it felt seeing clips felt dry to me. And I don't know why if affected me so much. Other than I'm already not doing well at all.

I've been trying to push away and sort of avoid what's been happening lately. I was starting to feel better, to battle my depression, and now it's come back twice as bad. I've always been scared of who I might be if I was truly happy. I've been staying in bed much, much longer. I stay up past 1 just so I can have the interaction with people I feel I want but have always been scared to reach out for.

I've fallen back into the eating disorder that I've been stuck with since I was ten. I was just starting to get over all these things and work through them. I was getting good and healthy and I felt good!

And that's where I hate it the most. I was doing so good... And not good enough.

And unfortunately, I don't know what to do. I feel... Numb. I've slowly been losing my passions, stuck in a house with the same videogames, a job, a dying console, no friends, one family member I can trust and... That's it.

Even when I have tried to make friends, I'm so socially anxious and terrified I can barely go anywhere by myself. I can't adult because I never had a childhood. It's always been adulting. I can't make friends because I struggle to hold basic conversations with people. I've never had just a casual conversation with someone my age.

And that's one of the reasons I can't make friends. Is because I never had any to begin with.

These fictional characters have been what I've clung to since I was eight.

They're who I turn to when the world goes to shit and a bunch of stupid stuff happens. I honestly don't mean to ramble and spill all my business like this, but I'm struggling. I'm really struggling.

I've been lucky enough that through my loss of enjoyment in some of my videogames, technology, hiking, art, music... That I haven't lost writing. Not yet.

My writing is where I can keep my characters alive and that's why I think, and I hope I don't lose this too.

So honestly, I thank you all a million times for each like and comment and reblog. Even if it makes me happy for a few minutes, it helps sometimes. Because these characters are pretty much all I have, and I want to do them justice.

Yeah... Sorry about this, too much stuff happening and I don't want to dump it on you guys. Stay frosty ok? 👍🏻

I really hesitated to post this and I don't have my ducks in a row. All the mental health posts about how I want to take a break but I genuinely can't. A couple days is all I can do and I hate it sometimes.

This will probably get taken down once it fully sinks in that I probably shouldn't post this. I'm here to give you fics and cod, and this isn't it. Sorry.

#im sorry to push this onto you guys but i truly have no one go turn to #and where i live medical help therapy and other things are getting f-d up #these characters literally the only thing ive ever had in my life #they're the closest thing i know to a friend #and that's extremely sad for me

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discyours · 1 year

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I know it was probably not just one thing but a chain. What made you detransition, made all of it fall apart for you? Also i wonder whether your experience living as a trans man made you more aware of misogyny in some ways or not really?

It absolutely did. I went looking for this post from when I still identified as trans and was first starting to connect the dots.

But without expecting it - which made it even more impactful - the way people treated and viewed me completely changed. People actually listen to me, and respect me. Instead of bitchy, I’m assertive. Instead of being difficult, I’m strong-willed. Confidence, something I was terrified to display before, is now one of my most desirable traits. It’s the main thing that allows me to pass. How fucked up is that? Confidence is seen as so inherently masculine that displaying it easily makes people assume you’re male. Mentally going over the option of “detransitioning” or reidentifying as a woman, something a radfem friend challenged me to think about, there are so many things I would have to give up in order to fit into society. My personality traits are only seen as acceptable for someone “trying” to be a man.

I didn't actually detransition for feminist reasons though. I was considering it (also found this post while looking for the last one) and had started to "dip my toes in" (changed my sex on a dating app I was on, went on one date with a woman who just saw me as a masculine woman and didn't even know I identified as trans) but never actually took the leap. I was too dysphoric. Then I started an SSRI and my life pretty much fell apart. I was actually doing pretty well at the time but due to a 10+ year history of depressive episodes I didn't want to be overconfident that things would just stay good this time. I finally felt equipped to handle potential side effects and started on medication with the hope of staying stable.

The first few weeks were weird but doable. Got extreme dry mouth and fully lost my sense of taste. Became restless and slightly manic. The physical symptoms went away and I no longer felt manic, but I became extremely anxious and my restlessness only got worse. I'd go on 3 hour walks in the middle of the night. Stopped going outside during the day, was too anxious to be seen, got an extreme form of imposter syndrome. I don't know how to explain it other than feeling like I wasn't a person and was a horrible person for tricking people into thinking I was, had to isolate myself as much as possible to avoid the impending disaster of people finding out I'd been misleading them like that. I became extremely self destructive, had unbearable intrusive thoughts about harming myself in all sorts of ways. I became re-involved in the kink community because it was a form of self harm and the only way I knew how to talk to people who were okay with treating me like I wasn't a person (meaning as far as I was concerned, they were the only people I wasn't manipulating into believing I was something I wasn't).

I was kind of in limbo for a few months in terms of trans/detrans stuff, you don't really have room to see or assert yourself as a man/woman in particular when you don't even believe yourself to be an actual human being. Actively presenting myself as anything felt like I was misleading people. I kept dressing the way I was used to because that was my default. Ultimately it was men I was involved with through kink who pushed me to start presenting more feminine. A lot of it wasn't voluntary and the parts that were were more about wanting to stop being a target for it than anything else.

I was only on the SSRI for a few months but I feel like I've never really recovered from it tbh. I never regained the 20 pounds I lost and I didn't really get my sense of personhood back either. I've stuck to presenting more feminine because it feels safer, and because it became the new default and I'm still not really comfortable asserting that I'm... anything in particular? I do think radical feminism/gender critical ideology played somewhat of a role because I generally don't see transition as a particularly productive way to deal with gender dysphoria so I don't see a reason to go back to it even if I did feel comfortable doing so. But my current acceptance of my womanhood is not a feminist thing, and it'd look a lot different (read: free of artificial femininity) if it was.

#anon #detrans #personal

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greatfruitboo22 · 11 months

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I'm going to rant because I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to about anything, really. I don't have money for a therapist, and I don't want to be a burden. I have been struggling and honestly the urge to just disappear is so fucking strong. First my mental health is pure shit right now. My depression at an all time high. All I want to do is is sleep. I have no motivation to eat, or do anything honestly. I can't sleep through the night. The only peace I have, no people to bother me and no one to prove myself to. Then I sleep all day, avoiding my responsibilities and others. I know part of it is because of my ADHD and Autism. Which until recently, I didn't realize I had both. And when I talk about it, I just get push back from my mom saying, "You aren't autistic I would know if you were. Or It only works if you have an official diagnosis, "but that means that it could be used against me because it's on a document that others can see. And that scares me. There are still so many places and people who use that against you. I'm scared that while I'm re-learning how to function without masking and not pushing myself back into burnout that someone will use it against me. I have gone back to a dark place where I want to die because I have lost my footing, and because I don't know where I'm going, it feels like a never-ending pit. I feel nothing and everything all at once. I don't feel like I have support anymore. Since my burnout, I quit my job that I liked because I couldn't handle being a mask, and getting statements like your face needs to show more emotion. I'm sorry that in order for me to function, I can't make faces. I don't want to smile to appease someone. Because I left that job, I have no money, one of my accounts negative, and when I think I fix it, it just gets worse. I started a new job, got two weeks in, and missed an entire week because all I could do was sleep. Depression isn't a real illness, so why did I miss it right? Jobs don't allow for mental illness days. Only sick days. But I am sick. Mental illness is a sickness of the brain. My brain that tells me these people can hear you make calls, they are judging you. They make fun of you behind your back. People are hard for me. I want friends, and I want to be kind, but eye contact makes me anxious, talking makes me anxious, and keeping conversations makes me anxious. I get anxious getting out of bed each day. I get anxious about eating in front of people. It's overwhelming. I am also dysforic. I started using they/them pronouns about a year ago, and only like five people in my life made an actual effort to use them. I am non-binary and while I still prefer femme presenting, I don't feel like a female. My family won't use my pronouns. My dad was confused and didn't try. My mom gets mad when I correct her. So many times I say those aren't my pronouns I get back no one will use those for you, how do others know, you aren't correcting them, you are my daughter. My aunt barely accepts I'm bisexual. My sister tried for a little while but stopped when it got too hard for her. I just want to feel like me in my skin. I am dealing with weight gain due to PCOS, and I hate it. I feel like I can't lose any weight. I want to live somewhere without the rest of my family, but I cannot physically afford to live on my own. Everything is so expensive. It feels like all these things are just piling on, and I want it to stop. I want to feel some freedom. I feel so isolated in the place I am in right now. Everyone around me is growing up and moving on. I don't feel like I have friends anyone. I don't know who is there anymore. Not that I would ever say anything about how I feel. I just wish I could breathe.

#personal rant #adhd struggles #actually autistic #happy pride 🌈#bisexual #non binary #this is depressing

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spectres-fulcrum · 9 months

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Wilhelm and Shinobu Takatsuki as weird emotionally validating mirrors

Other than Prince Henry of Wales and Alex, FSOTUS from RWRB (Which is duh cause he's probably distant cousins with Henry cause European royalty is like that) the other rich guy teen queer I need Wilhelm to meet is Shinobu Takatsuki from Junjou Romantica(Which is a problematic af series do not read it but despite everything the Terrorist pairing salvages the best love story because they communicate their fears and their love but when it's 2015 and you google gay animes that was the highest recced and not warned about and I feel like I just aged myself). Their stories are wildly differently but I feel like they'd validate each other's terrible and anxious teenage years and emotions and also... Living a mindless life and being expected to continue that but finding the one person that brings you to life and although you shouldn't, you need it.

And they both know what it's like to find it, and to have the cruelest twist of fate turn it into an anxious thing. But to fight for it.

I feel like Wilhelm would hear about Shinobu's quote that is summed up to 'I'm super smart and sporty without effort, from a rich family, have no ambition, I figured I could attend uni, get a job, and get married and live a mindless life but I found the one thing that brings me joy and that's you! Is that so bad!' And be like I'm in this picture and I don't like it. He REALLY doesn't like it.

(Also Shinobu bby, yes, it's "so bad" because A. You are 17 talking to your sister's 35yo EX husband he cannot give into you and B. You were 13/14 when you met him. 14. And you had accepted you would never truly feel anything in life and that is HEARTBREAKING. Like it's Japan so of course it never flagged anything but that quote always tugs on my heartstrings so badly. Because he had written off the idea of love. And once he fell he would cross any line for it. And he tried to shut. It. Off. )

And that's Wilhelm. A prince. Good universities. An acceptable dating pool of ladies. Nothing that made him feel anything. And then Simon. And he even says it. He almost wishes he never felt those emotions cause once he had it he couldn't live without them. And he's willing to consider throwing it all away to keep Simon.

And they both TRIED. Wilhelm tried to let Simon move on-he did. He kissed Felice hoping to feel anything. Shinobu transferred to a school in Australia. Isolating himself from his family, his friends, his language, his culture. We don't know much about those years but I imagine he ran but anxiety and depression followed(You will pry the headcanon of Shinobu's rich brat persona hiding his depression and manifesting as a desprete attempt to get the only thing he truly wants: The only person he will ever love out of my cold dead hands)

I imagine he was very alone. Because he remembered the guy he stole glances at in the library, the guy, out of the millions of people, saved him from being mugged. The guy, who, ended up being his sister's husband to be in a marriage of conveiance. And that was their first official meeting.

So anyone would tell him, he's Risako's husband. How could he be crushing on Risako's husband. But he was the nameless man in the library first. He was Shinobu's before he was Risako's. So he never tells anyone, he just runs.

And anytime Wilhelm cries out, he gets shut down, because he has responsibilies and has to mature and live up to Erik's impossibly high shadow and this isn't a punishment but he never asked for it. He never asked for any of it. He just wants to be a boy who loves a boy. Just like Shinobu wanted that nameless library man.

And they both go crazy in love. Wilhelm announced to the world that that was him in the video without any warning the palace. Shinobu, upon his sister's divorce, suddenly transferred home to pursue her now ex husband. Wilhelm can still step down.

I can see them laughing and looking back at being teenagers in love with that recklessness of being 16 and 17, going "Did we actually do that? And that actually worked?" And it did. (I mean-we don't know about Wilmon but we know Wilmon will end up together). But also talking about anxiety and trying to move on and failing and breaking down in bedrooms that weren't home but was more of a home that their parent's home.

I can't wait to see Wilhelm and Simon as happy as Shinobu and Miyagi are in current manga.

I just need Shinobu and Wilhelm to be weird mirrors but validating mirrors in isolating times. Idk if I can get timelines to work or reasons why a Swedish prince would meet the son of a Japanese professor(although I always liked the idea that Shinobu's maternal grandmother was European, thus the blonde hair. I always went French but could go old money Swedish...?)

#prince wilhelm #shinobu takatsuki #Junjou terrorist #junjou romantica #young royals #I feel so strongly about shinobu #ESPECIALLY his australia years #imo his host family convinced his father to let them take him to a therapist and it did him so much good #And his anxiety vs his spoiled brat exterior #Like he begged miyagi for love but didn't even hint about his birthday cause he doesn't talk about himself #They both needed henry and alex #thank god shinobu and miyagi hopefully get to come out on their own terms #they're discussing it in the manga #so even if they're outed they're already discussing it #And it won't be go the world #Someone talk to me about shinobu takatsuki please #Cause 8 years later he's still my baby #Who will be an amazing bilingual lawyer #Just like Alex #He's just not a headstrong teen #he's a young man with a boyfriend who wears a promise ring and they share an apartment and a life and they talk about shit and it's great #He's amazing #They somehow turned into goals

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britneyshakespeare · 5 months

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re: my last post rambling about my siblings: i also realize of course that not everyone who has siblings has as good a relationship to them as i do, and that can be for any number of reasons, can have any number of resolutions, including just begrudgingly accepting that your sibling(s) are never gonna be the closest people in your life. i talked about how the bond i have with mine is akin to a commitment, because all of us prioritize each other, but i don't mean to make it sound idyllic or like it should be the universal standard. i am lucky but i am not naive. not everyone gets the siblings they would most wish to have, or some people just aren't that close to them and i don't particularly have a blanket judgment to make of that in all cases. however...

that guy i made a bunch of personal posts over the summer about because he was an emotionally abusive friend that i had to cut off, who asserted way too much control over my life, who was guilt-tripping and manipulative and sought to silence me etc etc etc he really was just never very accepting of me for who i was, never expressed interest in anything about me that didn't have to do with him, etc etc etc just that JERK guy who i still have nightmares about a few times a month. it took me a long time to accept that he wasn't just "depressed" and "anxious" but that he was actively using people; he wasn't accepting of harmony but always wanted control over others and their narratives, etc etc etc. there were certain sides of him i didn't see much because i got to know him in a rather isolated way. we had mutual contacts but i never worked with him or had a class with him or really even met him a few times before he started spilling his heart and soul to me privately and said i'm his best friend and i'm the only one who understands and supports him and basically pressured me to make him my project 24/7 and was incredibly disrespectful towards me whenever i asserted my own independence from him or just. wanted to see someone other than him or even just wanted to be by MYSELF. jesus. what a nightmare that guy was. IS, because i know he can't have changed and he probably never will.

THAT guy has a sibling. he has a little brother four years younger than him, and that guy was about two years younger than me. so his brother turned 18 this year. he graduated from high school. his brother is YOUNG, all things considered. and as much as he would constantly pour his heart out and gripe about every person he ever came into contact with (and as much as i now distrust a lot of the information he told me because i know he'll only ever say flattering things about himself and never speak forgivingly or with any nuance towards someone he labels now as "bad", including me)... the only time that i didn't really know how to listen with as open a heart was when he would start talking about how awful his little brother is. i'd be like, ok, so you had terrible friends in high school. all the people in your classes are shitty to you. this person has done you wrong and this person is awful and your parents and your family suck and this and that and this. no one has ever been good to you in your entire life except me? ok.

the ONLY time i was like "i don't know if i can take this at face value, i think you're being too harsh..." is when he would talk about his little brother. because i was like, well, from everything you're telling me, his problems sound like something he can very well grow out of. he'd be like oh he's PRETENTIOUS. lol ok. he's a senior in high school, of course he sometimes acts like he knows everything. why do you act like he's a lost cause? i could also tell that there must've been some personal jealousy in there bc his brother was kind of the "more accomplished" sibling, did better in school, that sort of thing. i don't know what it's like to be an older sibling or to feel like you're living in the shadow of a sibling, especially a younger one, because i've always kind of been on a different path than any of my siblings/there hasn't really been a sense of competition between us. i would try to give him the benefit of the doubt and be like "well i guess i really don't know what that's like" because you CAN'T assume. i give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt and i try to take people, especially when they're being vulnerable with me, at their word, which is exactly how i got so involved with this guy and ended up being so used by him and under his thumb. horrible. he's a monster. anyway.

and whenever i'd be like "well he's just a kid" to every negative thing he'd say about his little brother, that's when he'd dismiss the subject and stop talking about it. and this isn't something that came up a couple of times but came up a LOT. he'd shit talk his brother to me at least several times a week, always unprompted, because why would i wanna hear someone badmouth a teenager? and it'd always be the pettiest shit. one time he even told me that he noticed his brother didn't come home last night and he didn't know where he was and i was like "oh my god is he ok? that's terrifying" and it's like he did that just so he could tell me "no i don't really care honestly. the two of us aren't close." it's like he wasn't just not-close with this kid but he was obsessed with hating him.

not only did his reasons never seem to satisfy me, but he never seemed to acknowledge that his little brother shared all of the traumas and adverse experiences he grew up with, the discrimination he faced and the familial trauma and the structures of abuse he would tell me about from his parents. he would mention how these are all the problems and the reasons he can't trust people and why he's so fucked up but he didn't seem to have any patience or empathy for someone younger than him brought up in the same exact environment. it's like he wanted his brother to always just fuck off and die.

none of this made any sense to me, it was if anything the BIGGEST sense of confusion i had with him for a long time because i dismissed all the ways he was cruel to *just me* until i started picking up all his patterns and realizing this all WASN'T just how he treats me. HE is the problem; HE is this entitled and controlling and nasty and manipulative towards everyone; HE has no self-awareness or regard for other people. it's not just ME not having the guts to stand up for myself when he made me feel uncomfortable or when i'd feel disrespected by something he said to/about me. he would know when he was saying something unacceptable or losing his temper; he did it with other people all the time. but he isolated and then lovebombed me so hard that i didn't see that this WAS how he treated everyone, but he made me in particular his prey because i was a trusting and trustworthy stranger, rather than someone who had seen him behave in such a way towards other people and could make the informed choice to stay away from him. it was never JUST ME but how could i have known that?? how?? i didnt know anything about his life except what he'd tell me, and he was actively sucking me away from all parts of my life he wasn't involved in, and/or forcing his way into them. there was no space between him and me; my life became his because he hijacked it and then forced me to do all his emotional labor and solve all his problems so i'd hardly have any energy to face my own.

anyway. yeah. it all made MUCH more sense when i realized HE is the problem between him and his brother. that didn't stick out as a red flag because again i'm trusting and i accept all these hypothetically broken or damaged familial relationships people have. HE really wanted me to hate this teenager for no good reason, like he wanted me to hate everyone else in his life that he'd ever decide to cast as a villain. i never understood why the teenage boy. never understood it. i'm like he's just a boy. OH but you're an awful horrible jerk who can't get along with anyone for longer than 2 minutes before you try and take control of everything about them and then lash out if they try to assert their independence. OOOHHH ok i get it now that makes sense. because that's what you've been doing to me all this time ohhh i get it.

#wow this is such a long post lol #long post #tales from diana #im not proofreading this so if this makes no sense well whatever #sorry if you... missed my... constant crises about this situation over the summer?#i do still have nightmares about him lol #i have otherwise been moving on... pretty ok #you know it's just such a relief to not talk to him anymore ever. love that #i have him blocked too 🖤🖤🖤#and he isn't a school/work acquaintance and we don't live suuuper close where i'd worry about seeing him in public randomly #i have had some friends that i explained our falling out to that have randomly ran into him. and he glared at them. lol #he really tried to involve all my friends in the messiest ways after he realized he was losing his control over me.#he was acting so entitled and imposing and overly-familiar and spilling all his 'problems' hes having with me #to ppl that i had introduced him to a couple of times and he would never be emotionally close with #but now he wants to pour his heart out about how he's been victimized by my callousness towards him (read: my individual identity/needs)#like what a fucking trainwreck that was.#in fact i encouraged him to be vulnerable with some of these friends like he was ALWAYS being vulnerable to me #making me support him 24/7 and literally never giving me time to do or think about anything else #never reciprocating interest or concern when it comes to my own life in any way. even if he KNEW about problems i had going on #just no sympathy from him whatsoever. he was just a sympathy vampire. he took and took and took and never gave back.#like i said he's the most self-centered person i've ever met.#yeah. i need to drop this now #but i do feel bad for his little brother. bc everything i ever felt sympathy for him for also applies to his brother #but his BROTHER has never shown any signs to me of being nearly as disgusting as he is.#he's brother's just a kid. but imagine having such a nightmare of a brother for the rest of your life. im sorry to him

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gloom-and-doom-in-my-room · 2 years

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Have I mentioned how much I hate summer?

School's out, meaning I actually have stuff I want to do during the day and nothing motivating me except my emotions, which are not to be trusted.

It's hot as fuck outside unless it rains. I wish it rained every day.

I can't talk to my friends as much. We have freetime now, most of us, but we aren't seeing each other on a daily basis.

Nobody wants to hire me. The jobs I might be good at doing all require experience. The rest of the jobs I need a car to get to or I'm not skilled for. Also some of them involve talking to people, specifically small children at a summer camp. I am a terrible role model and do not trust myself to not shut my trap at appropriate times.

July 4th happens.

My birthday happens, ten days apart from my brother's. We typically share a party. You might be wondering, what's so bad about a birthday? I'll tell you, it's the fucking guilt and anxiety. I feel bad when people get me gifts, I'm scared I'll fuck something up, I don't even know what I want for my birthday that I wouldn't just buy myself if I had a bank account. And they're wasting that time and energy on me. My brother's right there, he's not as anxious or guilty or anything as I am, and he deserves that stuff more. He knows what he wants, he asks for it, he's still a kid. He should be getting the gifts. I'm fine with a card and a cupcake and a conversation with my friends.

Also there's more guilt from the fact that I am constantly lying to my friends and family about who I am and what my opinions are. I have a reason, trust me, but it stings knowing that I'm deceiving them while they're being so nice.

It's just so isolating. I gave up on being in my room at mom's a couple weeks back. It reminds me too much of quarantine, where I can't see my friends, I'm spending all day online, slacking off, laying around and waiting for the day to end.

I hate school too. I gave up on math sometime during quarantine, and now very few things make sense. ELA, my favorite subject, unfortunately involves a bajillion phrases about sentence structure that I don't care about. Social studies feels like repeats of past years. I don't know how many times we've learned about the American Revolution and honestly I wish they'd at least talk about the Great Depression or something from last century. I also wish we were learning anatomy in science, but I understand that has to wait. And I promised myself I'd stop falling asleep to get out of work.

Doesn't mean I have to like this.

Is there ever a point where the cycle ends and you actually live each day instead of doing the same sort of stuff all the time, hating it no matter the situation, and waiting for the next day to come so you can wait more? Or is life just waiting even after you turn 18?

#vent post #bro i swear if you see this do not read #talking to my brother #the rest of you are free to do as you wish idc #school #summer #waiting #argh #depression ig???#maybe

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ratsoh-writes · 3 years

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I have a feeling I'm either going to get Honey or a Horrortale skele, so here we go for Matchups! -🍊

Personality

-introverted

-nervous/jumpy/sensitive

-artistic/creative

-very sleepy. I stay up till 5am and sleep till 2pm.

-helpful! I like feeling needed lol.

-sensitive. I have an abusive mother im in therapy for, so I need someone soft :(

Hobbies

-im very artistic! I love drawing, painting, listening to music, even making it, anything that keeps my hands busy and my ADHD at bay.

-minecraft! I've just downloaded the game, I've had it for a year now, and I love the building in it lol. The mobs scare me tho.

-rps!!! I LOVE roleplaying!!!! Rpg games, DnD, hell, I even have a few oc based text rps on discord I'm into. It gets me SO excited when I make up little stories with my friends, the gremblin in my enjoys shiny new universes

Dislikes

-Snarky/teasing/snappy jokes, or being teased in general. I'm a sensitive person who takes a bit too much to heart. Mal and Red scare me.

-loud noises/crowded areas. Another trama trigger for me, I feel trapped in a situation and it makes me paranoid. I'd rather sit outside and watch a thunderstorm than go to a local fair.

-being pushed out of my comfort zone and/or being forced to get in contact with family I've kicked out of my life, the whole 'well family is family!' saying means jack shit to me. I've put my demons at bay, I don't want someone to push me out of my comfort zone, or else I feel sick with nerves. I don't like traveling or being around a lot of people, I'd rather just text someone than see them face to face, words come easier then. Brain weird.

Deal breakers

-anyone who forces me to be social. I have anxiety, leave me be dammit. If someone kept pushing and complaining about it, it would make me feel guilty and blegh. Let's not go down that rabbit hole.

-cheating, I have a low image of myself, I don't need someone flirting with others or being all handy with them. Once the wound it made, I'm not letting the knife near me again.

-someone who yells a lot. Loud voices, especially male ones, make me panicked and scared. If Edge ever lectured me I would simply. Cry.

-someone violent, which is a given. Sorry mafia men, but blood scares me. I'm a wheeny.

-someone forcing me to change. I'm chonky, so being forced into a diet or something would make me think low of myself, I couldn't stay with someone like that. Or someone pushing me to get anxiety meds or giving me a bedtime. I like my independence and I'm working on myself, I don't need to be pressured to do it faster.

-passive aggressiveness, it makes me confused on what to say in an argument and that junk.

Flaws

-most of these have already been said, but I'm introverted with low energy, I don't like going to big events or traveling away from home.

-sensitive. Any jokes aimed at me can and will be obsessed over to oblivion, I'm not the teasing type.

-awkward. I was kinda isolated as a kid, so social skills are hard. Don't expect me to pop up on conversations all the time, I mostly listen to what my friends say and nod along.

-hygene. This is also something I'm working on. I've had depression episodes that sometimes still surface, sometimes it's hard to even leave my bed, let along brush my teeth, hair, etc. Some days I'm just not feeling it. I also come from a neglectful house, so I wasn't even raised with those habits. But I'm trying, and that's what I'm focusing on. Don't be like 'ewEwW yOu HaVeNt BrUsHeD yOuR TeEtH tOdAy?!' That's both hurtful and annoying, life sucks man

-god aweful at spelling, sorry rat

Attraction

-someone who's soft and caring. I never had a motherly figure, and I'm too old now for my dad to watch me like a toddler, so I want to feel the love I mostly missed out on. Not babied or anything, just loved and cared for. Hug me, please. Alternatively: aha mommy kink go brr

-cuddly/affectionate. I need to feel wanted, since I was raised in a house that I wasn't, so words of reassurance are really nice, especially if that person wants to be around me close enough to cuddle

I tried making this as neat as I could, since I tend to ramble a lot, so I hope this layout is easy to read! Tell me if I need to add any physics stuff, thank you for the matchup! -🍊

Alright, you were right on probably getting a horror lol. I think the best fit for you is……..BASIL (horrorswap papyrus)!

Here’s the tricky bit. Getting to know basil is here. He’s also extremely anxious, to the point where he’s practically non-verbal to anyone he doesn’t know. But once you do get close enough for him to crush and even confess, you’ll get to see a butch more protective and attentive side to him. Basil is a protector at his core and actually prefers a timid SO unlike honey who likes confident and organized characters.

Basil would be great at balancing between encouraging you to be your best self and not being too pushy. Gentle is basically his main personality trait. And considering who it is here, it’s hard to feel nagged with him being the one giving you those gentle reminders.

You like cuddles? You’re getting your cuddles. Basil is shy about touch so it’s up to you to initiate, but when you do, you’ll find that he’s pretty much touch starved. He likes having you in his lap the most. Basil has mild insomnia so cuddling with a SO is the best way to help him doze off

Basil hasn’t been introduced to the wonderful world of video games yet. Minecraft would be a great starter! If you manage to get him into it, he’ll wind up getting addicted to sims most likely. Or FarmVille. He likes chill games

One important thing about dating basil is that your basically going to have to go vegetarian. You can eat meat outside the house when he’s not around, but the sight and taste of raw meat is a trigger for him. Luckily he’s a wonderful cook and makes up for it in his baking and pasta ;)

I was also thinking of rust and possibly slim for you. (Yes I know slim is a mafia but he’s great at keeping his work hidden)

#matchups #horrorswap

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dog-teeth · 3 years

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I don't know if it's ok to ask, but... I have a friend who's currently in that kind of hopeless state that you mentioned you had been in your recent post. He doesn't want to think about the future and just wants his pain to stop. Sorry if that's upsetting or something..

And I just. I just don't know what to say to him? I'm not clinically or chronically depressed like he is (and maybe you weren't, I don't know, but what you described in the thank you post reminded me of him). Is there anything that anyone else did that helped you? Anything they said that could be helpful? Anything they said that was probably meant to be helpful, but wasn't? (Such as "think of all the X people who have it worse off"—and I haven't said such a thing to him.)

I've tried to be respectful towards him and letting him have his.. space and time to work things out. But I don't want to let the connection I had with him fizzle out; we were kind of starting to be close and now... its like there's a wall between us. Maybe its just my perception...

Sorry, this is kind of long and I threw a lot of details in... You obviously don't have to give me advice or anything, I was just wondering if maybe you had anything to offer. I was really grateful to read your initial post because, as I said, it reminded me of him; he's so bright and intelligent and a brilliant writer and he's very funny and easy to talk to but he says he's too weak to keep fighting and... I want to keep him close. I want him to be able to hold on. I want him to know that two or three or more years down the road might be SO much better than where he currently is. The only thing constant in life is change, and even if he can't see the forest for the trees, I just...

Is it selfish of me to want him to keep going? I just. He has SO much potential...

Sorry. You don't have to say anything back, I just wanted to get this out there. Thank you for writing that post, it at the very least got me thinking. I'm so glad you're.. I want to say "still around" but don't know if that's a mean thing to say, but... Thank you for being here. Thank you.

wahhh this is such a sweet message, i’m glad my post could help!! & it’s super great that you want to be there for him and are actively seeking ways to better support him. i’ll give my perspective and hopefully some part can help!!

honestly, when i was super depressed like that, nothing anyone said or could have said wouldve made me feel truly better, depression is such a deeply internal battle that i think to really overcome it you have to get the resolve to start to recover on your own, at your own pace. everyone’s words of positivity were meaningless to me at that time, no matter how many times i heard “i’m here for you” i still felt alone, every time i heard “it will get better” i never believed it. but!! that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to help!!! i think you should just continue putting effort into maintaining your relationship with him-- keep making plans and sending texts even if he seems distant or unresponsive, depression can often make people feel isolated and, like you said, put walls between their connections. and remind him, gently, how much you like spending time with him, and appreciate who he is. it can sometimes feel uncomfortable to receive compliments when you’re depressed, but if you say them earnestly and casually it’s very nice.

i think the other way to help is to remind him that he isn’t alone, no matter how scary the future is he’ll never have to deal with it all by himself, and even if he is too weak to keep going, he has support to lean on & people who will care for him and help him through it. i still get really depressed and anxious about thinking about the future and my own inabilities to keep going through life, and the only thing that helps calm me down is reminding myself that i have people who will help me.

so yeah, i think just being his friend and being there for him is the best thing you can do, words alone are often incapable of breaking the spell of depression, but actions can certainly help, offering to talk with him & offering any other form of help you can think that would be useful, but really just hanging out with him and being a consistent friend is probably what would help most. you know him way better than i do, so trust what you think is the right thing to do for him!

#ez answers #depression #advice #Anonymous

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rant-2-me · 3 years

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My mental state has just worsened over the days, though I'm not sure why, and I just feel so unmotivated and lacking any energy to practice any self care other than napping, and also feel anxious because I'm not studying enough.. feel like I'm just 1/4th assing my responsibilities.. And when someone asks me how I'm doing, sometimes I blurt out that I'm not fine, and the guilt I feel afterwards for making them worry, so I find myself withdrawing from initiating conversation with them, even though I really want to, and this makes them worry about me more.. I just don't know anything anymore, everything feels too much, yet I can't rant in a clear conscience without feeling guilty for bothering them, and thinking how I don't deserve to complain because they have had so much worse (yes I know pain is relative, but I feel so horrible, like a whiny child, who doesn't know how to be content with her blessings)......

Sorry I know it's a lot.. feel free to delete it if it's triggering or making you uncomfortable in any way... I just needed to get it out..

My lovely nonnie, im so, so glad you sent this ask. and got it all out of your system. yeah this sounds cheesy but like ive been there, with not knowing how to reach out—im proud you had the courage to send this ask. girlboss vibes.

also this ask took a while to answer and im so so sorry about that, but I didnt want to do anything less than the best for you, so let's just jump right in <[:)

Lacking motivation, god I've been there, but doing self care is super super important so here is a how-to, hon.

How to do selfcare when you’re not motivated to:

1. Be a little “gross.”

Gross is in quotes because it’s so subjective, but you undoubtedly have a few behaviors you consider kind of gross regardless. Now’s the time to do them without judgment. For me, that’s meant showering less, eating weird food combos (sometimes in bed), and letting my brows and mustache grow magnificently unruly. For you, it could mean doing something you normally judge yourself for or cutting back on activities you only do for the benefit of others. Now is not the time to allow “socially acceptable” behaviors to rule you.

2. Eat whatever the hell you want.

This should be a rule always, but I’m not going to pretend there aren’t societal, social, and personal pressures that go into why we eat what we eat. Try to shut down the voice that judges or polices what you’re eating right now. We’re in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. If dinner has to be some slices of cheese and deli meat eaten in front of the open fridge, so be it. If you have a lot of cravings and are snacking more than you normally would, cool. If pre-pandemic you decided you were going to stick to a certain meal plan and it’s just not happening anymore? Don’t beat yourself up.

Yes, what we eat is connected to our mental health, and I don’t want to discount that—but if the stress of eating healthfully is making you feel like crap anyway, whether that’s because you can’t fathom cooking or don’t have the means to shop for certain foods during isolation, just eat the sleeve of Oreos and try again another day. It’s okay.

3. And wear whatever you want.

Or, more realistically, wear whatever you can. Even if it means wearing the same ratty sweatpants for a whole week. Or month. Maybe you started all this out aspiring to get dressed every day to work from home productively, or maybe you have a whole collection of comfortable loungewear you feel guilty for not utilizing. Whatever arbitrary rules and expectations you’ve set for yourself, you can throw them out.

On the other hand, maybe you need to quiet the voice that tells you there’s no point in getting dressed or feeling presentable. If it helps, by all means, play with your look, wear awesome or weird outfits, do your hair and makeup or whatever activity might feel a little silly given your current reality. In the middle of a pandemic, nothing is a waste of time if it makes you feel good.

4. Use shortcuts to avoid creating chores.

In my first week or so of working entirely from home, I was baffled by just how messy my apartment got. How on earth were so many messes piling up when I wasn’t even doing anything but working, sleeping, and eating? I hadn’t realized it, but a lot of my small tidying routines had become casualties to the pandemic. And, it turns out, slacking on the little ways I pick up after myself every day (such as doing the dishes right after I use them) added up quickly.

Instead of forcing myself to stick to the same levels of tidiness that I used to maintain, I’ve found shortcuts. For example, I use paper plates and plastic cutlery when I feel too fatigued to wash dishes so they don’t sit in the sink for days on end. Or I stick to the same two “outfits” to avoid clothes piling up when I’m too depressed to put them away every day. If you can find a small way to go easy on yourself, even if it feels a little wasteful or indulgent or gross, it’s okay to tap into those shortcuts right now.

5. Be kind to yourself if your place is messy or dirty.

I won’t lie: I’m someone whose space impacts my mental health a lot. Typically, keeping my apartment clean helps keep my mental health in check and letting my apartment get gross makes me feel worse. That’s still true in a lot of ways, but to adapt I’ve been trying to be mindful and accepting of where I’m at. And it’s…helped?

It turns out that taking the pressure off does a lot to mitigate the guilt and some of the other negative mental health effects I usually experience. In practice, it involves a lot of talking to myself. Instead of seeing my apartment turning into a depression cave and immediately thinking, “Oh, God, I need to clean up, this is so disgusting, I’m a monster for living like this, of course I feel depressed,” I go for kindness. I think (or even say out loud because, well, desperate times), “Of course my apartment is a mess right now. I’ll get to it when I get to it. I can handle the mess for now.”

6. Accept your new sleep schedule.

idk anyone whose sleep hasn’t been screwed in some way by all of this. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, pent-up energy from sheltering in place, tech use, new work responsibilities, screwy schedules…pretty much every aspect of our new reality can impact our sleep. Some people are sleeping a lot more, some are sleeping a lot less, and some are cycling through both extremes. Oh, and the temptation of naps! It’s all there.

Trying to maintain a healthy sleep schedule during all of this is a worthy endeavor—and more power to you if you’ve figured out how—but there’s a good chance that it feels impossible.

By “accepting” your new sleep schedule, I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t suck; I mean doing what you can to be gentle on yourself about it. For me, acceptance has looked like watching some comfort tv and reading my favourite books at 2 a.m. instead of staying in bed and anxiety-spiraling about how I can’t sleep. Is it ideal? No way. But I’m not going to waste energy stressing about something I currently can’t control.

7. Give yourself plenty of room to do absolutely nothing.

I’ve given myself permission to do a whole lot of nothing. That includes getting rid of the pressure to be productive and practice self-care, yes, but in a broader sense, it also means not forcing myself to actively “adjust” every day.

Some days, I just need to do nothing but feel my feelings. Or avoid feeling my feelings. Or stare at the ceiling. Give yourself space to do (or not do) whatever you need to.

also, nonnie? my love?

Never feel guilty about telling someone who cares about you when you don’t feel okay.

People who genuinely care about you—and I’m sure they are many—will care if you aren’t feeling good, there are always going to be people who care about you, who want you to be okay, that’s why they ask, why people make rant, why “how are you?” is such a common question.

But if you do need to talk, but you feel like you’ll “burden” people who you do talk to, here’s a guide to ranting.

Guide to ranting:

1. Pick the right person. Someone who’s in the right headspace to listen to you, you could also pick someone who cares about you—if you’re anxiety tells you nobody cares about you, pick someone who “should” care about you in your relationship, e.g: a friend you’ve had for a long time, a friend who’s told a few of their problems, or friend you might not feel close with, but seems very kindhearted and a good listener.

2. Pick the right time to talk to them, so you can have their undivided attention. If they are busy—as most people will be with something—they’ll have a hard time giving you good advice and listening to you. Ask them when they are free, and then ask them:

3. “hey, can we talk? I’m not mad or you or anything, it’s just that I have been not feeling great, and I just want to rant to someone about it.” and “No pressure to say yes, you might have your own stuff to do deal with.” to make sure they are the right person to talk to.

4. It’s ok to test the waters. Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.

5. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longerterm reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.

6. Look for ways to take action. Don’t get me wrong, ranting can be amazing for you, but on its own may not solve your problem.

But maybe venting to people isn’t for you. No matter! There are other ways to get out emotions:

Ways to rant without talking to anyone

1. Cry it out— simple and rewarding. When the baggage is just too heavy to carry cry it out. It can help you ease the pressure and ease your mind to think straight after days of holding that frustration in.

2. Work out — easy and fun. tire yourself out and release all the frustration in working out! This is going to be so satisfying for you as you try and punch, kick, balance, lift, and breathe those frustrations away.

3. Clean & rearrange — practical and can be fun. we get frustrated by so many things and one thing that can truly help clear our minds is to have a clean place where we can stay and live for the moment to breathe. Clean your room, rearrange your things and you’ll be surprised by the satisfaction this brings — a signal of a new beginning.

4. Scribble — simple and fun. Make scribbles, doodles, drawings, take a pen or a pencil, and let go. It does not have to be “good” art or professional at all. Just draw whatever comes to heart, sunflowers or clouds or rainbows—anything.

5. Write it down — fun and simple. Let those words out of your head and just live in the moment.

How to fight the lack of motivation.

1. Don't fight the lack of motivation.

If you feel down or unable to muster tons of energy, let it be ok. Be easy on yourself and acknowledge that it's ok to have a dip, especially at this time of the year.

2. Once you have accepted your slump, get to the bottom of it.

Ask yourself, "What is the root cause of this sluggish feeling?" Go deeper than the obvious reasons. Is it related to work? Your personal life? Relationships? It might also just be the weather. Get clear on what areas of your life you're feeling the most resistance.

3. Dig into that area. What is not ideal about this aspect of your life? What would make it better?

Make a list of how you'd like your current situation to improve--and be specific. If you truly can't find a reason to be less than enthusiastic, then accept your feelings and let them pass with time.

4. Take your list of what is missing and go through it.

What is holding you back from being able to create the things that are missing in your life?

5. Get support for creating the life you want.

Do some research and find an expert to help you. Even though they love you, friends and family aren't objective enough, and they tend to give advice that is a reflection of their own life and insecurities.

6. Think of current habits that are contributing to a less-than-ideal life.

Maybe it's fear, laziness, or not having enough confidence. Pick one to focus on.

7. Address this habit over the next 2 months.

They say it takes 28 days to create a new habit, but this varies from person to person. If you focus on it for two months, you are sure to build the neural pathways needed to call it a new way of being.

8. Buy a book, read articles or do some research on this particular behavior or feeling.

Read about the common causes of this habit as well as the proven ways to bust through and work around it.

9. Create a plan around shifting your current habit.

Make sure that changing this habit ultimately helps you move forward in the area of your life that is not ideal. The energy from clarity, awareness and then action will immediately get you feeling more motivated, no matter what.

10. When all else fails: make a list of activities that excite you, and do one of them right now.

Talk to a fun friend, dance around at home, workout, watch a funny YouTube video, tackle something on your to-do list. Accomplishing something will give you a hit of dopamine in your brain. If you're too overwhelmed by your day, sit for five minutes and meditate. Put on some soothing music and breathe.

okay, that's all nonnie, I hope you feel the lust for life in your lungs, please have all my love, i hope this helped, this ask took a while, but it was worth if it helps

and if you need to dont worry to send another ask, if you like spam the inbox!! queen!!!

take care, much love my sweet honey, bye <3

—*putting daisies in your hair as they leave* mod peppermint <[:)

#mod peppermint #ask #anon #rant

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haematicmagic · 4 years

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So you seriously don’t know what podcast to listen to next? On tumblr? Alright…

Buckle up bc this is the storytelling fiction-podcast Megapost. These are all fiction podcasts that are not Talkshows or dnd podcasts, but storydriven. Some i have listened to, some I havent. Most, if not all of these, you can probably find on YouTube or Podbean.

DONE: (7)

These are podcasts that i have finished or caught up with as of March 2020. I can’t speak for newer seasons, but I’ll try to give an impression of them:

Welcome to Nightvale

(a classic and many people’s hook into podcasts. Tells the story of a strange desert town through local radio. Complete with all kind of LGBT+ representation, a gay canon main character, absolute weirdness and a lovably terrible antagonist, this still running podcast is an absolute must-try)

The Penumbra Podcast, Juno Steel Plotline

(The story of a genderfluid depressed detective on mars and his dangerous dance with a mysterious master thief, told in a beautifully sound-designed ongoing podcast.)

The Magnus Archives

(This still-running podcast starts relatively slowly but really takes off after the first season, telling one short horror story per episode and building a intricate metaplot about an asexual archivist with big dumbass energy and his assistants)

Wolf 359

(A walking pop culture refrence, a mom-friend boss, a crazy russian scientist and a glitchy AI live and work in a space station about 7 light years from earth. Besides a plant monster, mutiny and betrayal, this finished podcast also has a well-rounded and memorable cast that you’ll be sure to love)

Eos 10

(Dr Ryan Dalias is transferred to Eos 10 as part of the medical team, which formerly had been led by a drunk misanthrope and a nurse with a very particular skillset. While trying to deal with a hypochondriac royal, an abnormal Christmas tree and a terrorist, this rather lighthearted podcast has its genuine moments)

Gay Future

(a more or less sarcastic podcast based on the fanatic homophobic ideas of Mike Pence, this short podcast is set in a dystopian future in which everyone is gay and makes fun of YA books, heteronomy and a bunch of other stuff along the way)

Alice isn’t dead

(an extremely atmospheric podcast from the same people that made nightvale which follows an anxious truck driver looking for her wife. A lot of American Gothic, excellent atmosphere and genuinely heartfelt comments on love, humanity and freedom make this a true experience)

ARCHIVE 81

(For those of you that loved Nightvale and TMA but wished they were both a little weirder, comes Archive 81. What i can only describe as the american version of The Magnus Archives, Archive 81 is a interesting horror podcast following several plotlines including but not limited to an archivist, a man mostly made out of radio, a dark ritual and a man made out of static.)

IN PROGRESS: (7)

Podcasts that i am currently listening to/catching up on and thus can already reccomend, but not fully comment on.

Within the Wires

(one story per season, the first being subliminal messages being told through relaxation tapes)

The Bright Sessions

(the recordings of therapy sessions for supernaturally talented humans)

Kingfalls AM

(the Radiostation of Kingfalls, a weird little town in america)

The White Vault

(a rescue team is sent to a remote outpost in the arctic)

The Habitat

(a team of trainees is sent to live isolated in a simulation of a space station. Not fictional, real life recordings)

Start with this

(a podcast about making podcasts)

TO DO:

Podcasts that have been reccomended to me but that i haven’t tried. Feel free to add reviews or podcasts.

Wooden Overcoats

The Black Tapes

The Adventure Zone

Palimpsest

Starship Iris

Limetown

Ars Paradoxica

Kakos Industries

SAYER

The Amelia Project

Inkwyrm

uncanny County

Star Stripper

Radiolab

the Truth Podcast

Alba Salinx

The Penumbra Podcast (Second Citadel Storyline)

Zero Hours

Outliers

Death by dying

Mission to Zyxx

RABBITS

Station to station

caravan

The 12:37

Under Pressure

What’s the frequency

We fix Space Junk

beef and dairy network

the bunker

the far meridian

girl in space

mabel

Editing for some additions:

the adventures of sir Rodney the root

I am in eskew

the godshead incidental

Limetown

hello from the magic tavern

the culling

the empty man cometh

the big loop

Old Gods of Appalachia

The Critshow

Unwell

And, not to be a dirty, dirty, self promoter or anything, but if you liked the Magnus Archives, Alice isnt Dead or Within The Wires, i'm myself working on a podcast focused on possibly-fae related disappearances and a old journal and will update on my tumblr when it starts airing

#podcast reccomendation #tma podcast #wtnv podcast #podcast #bored af #bored #podcast reccomendations #long post #lgbt content #socialdistancing #eos10 #repost #sorry for reposting #i am open to suggestions

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ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is · 4 years

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Hello! I'm trying to type my little sister who's recently emerged from a hard time with some unexpected personal development. We're all pretty smart in our family, but when she was about four years old, she just... sort of taught herself how to read? She says she followed the letters with her eyes when we read her stories, and over time a system of observed patterns emerged in her mind and she just knew how reading works. Throughout her childhood, that's how things continued: whatever she (*1)

set her mind to, she'd be really good at it really quickly - but it never worked if she wasn't truly interested in it and saw the long-term benefits of investing in a skill. For example, as the oldest sister I was always very responsible and in tune with my siblings' feelings, whereas she's had to learn that there can be benefits to 'fitting in' and being accommodating. Her teenage years were, I think, very hard for her, as social connections at school drew back from her and I moved away (*2)

from home to attend college. She retreated into her own mind and suddenly fell from overachiever status to barely passing classes, sometimes she'd even skip going at all - not because she didn't care, but because something must have really stressed her so severely as to make her abandon her 'natural' values of learning and being good at things, even those that mattered to her outside of school (the piano, e.g.). Then, after barely graduating high school, she's had a couple of years of what (*3)

I can only describe as radical self development. She's lively, open to her family members and has few, but really strong bonds with good friends. She's kind of obsessed with giving her life meaning through the pursuit of her artistic visions, and understanding how the universe truly works. Her ultimate goal is to go into astrophysics, and she's rigorous about exercising and taking long walks, and actively seeks out people to talk about her wild visions and concepts so as not to fall into (*4)

self isolation, which she says she despises because it made her waste so much time. So while I'm definitely happy she's so open and reflected these days, I'm worried something similar is actually happening: she's currently forced to go through some really taxing college classes that do not interest her very much, but are mandatory for her further pursuit into physics. She missed a lot of stuff at high school, but won't just take her time to revise some of those basic concepts, instead (*5)

beating herself up about not being at least as good as everyone else. This has been going on for about half a year now. I'm afraid the combination with this psychological aspect has led to some atypical avoidance behaviour: she spends a lot of time procrastinating by researching completely unrelated topics, spending hours cooking or cleaning or just doing, well, nothing really. This is uncharacteristic for her and I'm really worried she will fall into some kind of hole again. She has (*6)

made a plan to pass those not so fun classes on her way to greater things, but she just won't get her act in order and sit down and do it! Perhaps MBTI could offer some insight: is she looping or in the grip, and is there anyway this concerned sister can help? I'm anxious to see her thrive again, and she just doesn't seem like herself by living from moment to the next without any overarching structure. Thank you!!

-------

Hi anon, there is a lot here, much of which is not useful for MBTI, so I would recommend you read through the FAQ in full. For example, childhood behavior is in my opinion not very useful (what you provided is more just a sign of intelligence).

I also, and this is not coming from an MBTI standpoint, advise you to scale back considerably in your efforts. You can (and should) talk to your sister. You can (and should) express your concerns and offer to help in whatever way you can. And to be fair I don’t know your sister and she might be receptive to you taking an unsolicited hands on approach. She might also think you’re overbearing and overstepping and wishes you’d let her figure her shit out in peace on her own (I sure would, especially at that age, and probably would have said as much too), which is why I advise talking to her, asking her what she needs, and if she says she’s fine and she’s not immediately endangering herself and others you say “okay, I’m here for you if you need me” and mind your own business.

That was all somewhat harsh but I say this from two positions, both as the eldest sister of four and as a physics major who had some similar issues to your sister: your behavior is not universal older sibling behavior and may be unwelcome, and while I do regret in a general way not going back and fixing some basics I fucked up while I was depressed, I still graduated with an undergraduate degree and passable GPA and have done fairly well for myself since. My graduate program included people who outright failed out of college the first time around and had to retake everything at a state school. She’ll be fine, and it is typically my opinion that someone will grow more as a person by letting them figure their own shit out and learn how to ask for help than from someone coming in and doing what they think is the right response.

Which brings me to the next point, namely her high school behavior could be just withdrawing under stress. It could also be depression or something that looks like it (bipolar type II, for example), and that’s something that is life-long and chronic. This isn’t uncharacteristic; she’s done it before in high school, she’s doing something , and the best action you can take is gently bringing that up and recommending she perhaps work on addressing this pattern, in whatever form that ends up taking.

What I’m trying to get at is MBTI is a pseudoscience that I really like and which I think can be useful, but if you actually want to help someone, ask them what they need. If you suspect they’re lying and in danger (that they’re suicidal or self-harming or dealing with addiction) then you should intervene but otherwise you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it. Make it clear you care about them and are worried and then let them handle it how they wish to handle it.

With all that in mind there’s not much to use here when it comes to typing. She sounds like a very intelligent person who for whatever reason has had periods when she was very unmotivated and undisciplined. The feelings of being behind or frustrated are pretty common for college students, particularly if she’s at a competitive college and has always been pretty bright and not prone to studying super hard. Not liking the boring prerequisites may be type related but it’s also just a matter of maturity, to push through dull obligations.

If you want to type her, the most important thing is getting a solid baseline of behavior, and I think because she’s been in such a state of flux over the past few years that will be very difficult. If you want to help her, express your concern to her, feel free to give advice, and listen to what she says, even if you don’t like it.

#mbti #i may have projected a lot on this one since i relate pretty hard to the sister #i did very well in high school but i had some similar struggles in college #and if someone were trying to be this hands on to me i'd have HATED it #Anonymous

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rosalesbeausderholle · 5 years

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I really feel like I've missed so much, and it was all thanks to my self isolation during my teen years. And like, I know other people who feel like this too, but they managed to pull through. I got stuck.

My friend was like me when we were both in high school (dif towns) but by the end of her last year she managed to find a big reliable group of friends within her town who she's still friends with today, and they're always doing stuff together. I never managed to have that. I was too depressed and too scared from the bullying that I refused to make connections in either of our towns. Not that's I'd know how to start either.

And I thought I would get better at it at college, and I sorta did, I did get a big good group of friends but they're all, well, nerds like me, which isn't bad, but they all live far away and they all don't like going out to like parties and shit that much? And in summer we see each other like maybe 4 times?

Still, because of them, I thought I got past the mental block I had with people, but I didn't! studying abroad this year was hell in this regard, I met lots of awesome people but I never managed to open up and to connect like on a deeper level, I had the opportunity to do all the normal things, the parties and the trips and the spending time together every day. And I did some of it, but I'm still so introverted that I still need my alone time so I didn't manage to always hang out, which led to me being more like an accessory to the groups than a true part of it. I couldn't be with them always and I didn't manage to open up. They all just barely know me, I didn't even got to tell them about lots of things that are just who I am. There was just this big concrete block between me and other people and I wasn't able to get past it.

This was the chance, my chance to go and have a group of friends that actually LIVE near me, who I can just show up to their dorm rooms and just talk and just do stuff together always and have the dream crazy university life and I just... I blew it! I didn't even get a quarter to where I wanted to get, I barely managed to not simply isolate myself the whole year. Because I'm a mess, a total anxiety wreck.

In my home town/near, I only have 3 friends and they're not even friends with each other, they all have their own different groups within the town and I hang out with all of them but I can't do that always. They're very good friends. Same with my uni friends, I love all of them, but I don't hang out with them enough because we don't get enough times when all of or even most of them don't have something else going on.

(Same applies to internet friends for obvious reasons)

And I need more, more human connection. But I'm always the afterthought. And I'll always will be and it's my own fault for being so unapproachable, so anxious, so weird. And I'm 22, and I missed the best part of my teen years and now of my young adulthood too, what do I even have left?

#liveblogging my life #shout out to one friend for bringing this whole episode one she's so nice and totally not an asshole sometimes #and she didn't even realize she was an asshole she was just like yeah you have friends but you don't really see them much that's weird #also we went to the pool with another one of her friends the one she got in her last year of high school #and she's nice she's great but she and my friend were always talking abt what their other friends are up to and i just felt like i was there #for decoration #they could've really include me in the convo bc like what would i talk abouf i don't know their friends #and it just made me feel bad like this is really how my life will.always be

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