#when will i stop writing angst

[inoreuct]

drink from me

a sherry-laced conversation about thirst and running away. zosan | 2k | hurt/comfort

Being a coward isn’t as easy as one might think.

It’s juxtaposition in its own right; cowardice is, as defined, a lack of bravery— And yet Sanji supposes it takes bravery to be able to ditch everything you stand for. To turn tail and run. Bravery to bear upon your shoulders the disappointment of everybody who had ever believed in you. 

He sighs deeply, tilting the bottle in his hand so that the dregs of liquor slosh within. This is why he doesn’t drink.

It’s relatively easy most days. To lock his past behind a set of double doors, bar the handles with a padlock and chain so he can pretend that everything he’s running from isn’t just three paces behind, snapping at his heels, starved and ready to eat him up whole. Alcohol slots the key back into place and twists it without his permission. Twists his heart until it aches.

He doesn’t know why he’d started. The bottle of sherry had sat, nondescript and guileless and half-full on the galley table after the night’s dessert, and Sanji had paused before he’d slowly wrapped his fingers around the neck of it and let his nails scrape against the dark glass.

The cork had popped almost too easily and here he is now, taffrail digging into his forearms as he takes a long drag from his cigarette and lets bitter smoke fill his lungs full to bursting. Blood orange coats the back of his tongue, cloyingly sweet, thick on the roof of his mouth— He’d made a layered trifle with cacao nibs and caramelised cream that had been slathered between slabs of boozy vanilla sponge, and the aftertaste clings to his teeth. Sanji peers down as what’s left of the sherry glimmers vaguely inside the bottle and fights the urge to chug the rest. 

He could, if he really wanted to. He hardly drinks but it certainly doesn’t mean he can’t. 

A soft scrape against wood catches his attention, barely perceptible. He fights to keep his spine from stiffening, fights to maintain his loose-limbed, easy demeanor; the liquid warmth in his veins helps some but not enough, and he’s halfway through another drag when near-silent footsteps stop just behind him. 

Zoro’s haori shifts in the wind, palm loosely wrapped around the end of Wado’s hilt where she’s strapped alone to his hip. “Was wondering where you went,” he says easily, looking out over the ocean. 

Sanji scoffs. It burns his throat more than the sherry did. “For someone built like that, you’re surprisingly quiet, marimo.”

The immediate urge to kick himself is something new. He rarely feels it— It appears often, don’t get him wrong, he just. Ignores it. It’s a little more difficult tonight. Built like that. The noise that escapes him is mirthless. What’s that even supposed to mean, huh? Alcohol’s always made him snappy and he does feel bad for once — But he’s tired, and the chores won’t do themselves. 

“Make it quick, would you?” he mutters when Zoro still hasn’t replied, low and quiet in the still evening air as he curves down to dig the heel of his palm into his temple. “My spice jars are still all over the counter, and I have to mop the floor before I wash the dishes—”

“It’s done.” 

Sanji blinks, before his eyes narrow and he turns his head to look at Zoro properly. “The dishes?”

“Everything.” The swordsman huffs when Sanji gives him a dubious look, gaze flicking over and away again as he rolls his eye. “Luffy asked me to clean up the galley. Said you needed a break.”

Well. The cook exhales, measured, and buries his face into the crook of his elbow. Taps his cig so that ash doesn’t fall into his hair where he’s holding it aloft above his head. “Tell him thanks, but I don’t.”

He clocks it out of his peripheral vision when Zoro smirks and waves a hand to gesture to his cigarette and his slouch and the glass bottle dangling against wood. “What’s this, then?”

I don’t know. Shop’s closed, please fuck off and come back tomorrow morning. 

The other words that sit at the tip of Sanji’s tongue are far more scathing. He feels them, bites them back viciously before he can burn anyone other than himself. “If there’s a single thing out of place in there I’m gonna—”

“Kick my ass, I know, I know.” Zoro chuckles under his breath. “Don’t you get tired of saying the same things over and over again?”

“Maybe I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t constantly choose to be selectively deaf, moss-for-brains.”

The swordsman huffs another soft laugh, and conversation peters out after that. Sanji feels an itch building at the base of his skull, flickering just under his skin; it’s making him restless. He taps the bottle against the rail just to fill the silence. Zoro reaches a hand out and Sanji gives it to him easily, unthinkingly, watching and pretending he isn’t as the swordsman thumbs over the faded paper label that’s peeling at the corner. 

Zoro’s hands are scarred, he notes. He knows this, of course, but he never gets tired of letting his gaze drift over tan skin and old scars, thin slivers of pearly tissue painted silver in the moonlight. A breeze ruffles his hair as Zoro finally drinks, and he’s distantly surprised to see that it’s a measured sip and not a swig like what it usually would have been. 

Fucking hell. Sanji’s inhale shudders when he pushes himself up and stands straight, now-free hand wrapping around lacquered wood as he finishes his cigarette and tosses the butt over the side. He needs to stop thinking. He’s paying too much attention. There’s a pressure building behind his forehead and Zoro is an overwhelming presence beside him, unavoidable, stoic and staunch as ever, perfect posture, perfect honour, a sentinel with a pure white sword like some sort of— of hero from a storybook. Perfect perfect perfect.

It’s all building like a scream behind his lips, a river at a bottleneck, and he clenches his jaw to keep it in. Grits his teeth until he hears them creak because what would happen if he opened his mouth? Nothing good, he’s sure. Nothing anyone needs.

Sanji nearly startles when the bottle taps against his elbow. “Talk to me.”

“Nothing to say,” he replies immediately, taking a careless gulp and holding in a cough. 

Zoro’s slow exhale feels like it shifts the wind itself. Their ship creaks gently. “You always have something to say, curls.”

“Look, you—” He cuts himself off, tempering his breath. “I’m tired, alright? So can you just get to the point?” Fuck, he needs another cigarette. 

Maybe that’s the problem. He knows he’s the problem, sure, but Sanji suspects that he’s been running for so long that he’s forgotten how to walk. It’s grown into him like weeds wound through his ribs, the way he sees poison in water that’s perfectly clean, the way peace makes him more anxious than chaos does. He needs to stop running. He doesn’t know how. 

Zoro pries the sherry from his fingers and it’s only then that he relaxes the death grip he’d unintentionally had, a shudder slipping over his shoulders. Zoro holds the bottle loosely between his scarred fingers and doesn’t drink.

The silence thickens. Static crackles within his bones.

Sanji doesn’t know why he starts talking. Doesn’t know why it feels like a dam breaking in his chest, but his mouth is open, and the words are emptying out. “I’m tired of looking over my shoulder for something that isn’t there. Luffy gave me something to run towards, for once, but—”

He doesn’t know how to say it’s not enough without sounding ungrateful, without being greedy. “Sometimes I think I could… consume every one of the Blues, and still want more,” he allows. “Need more.” His fingers lace together, and Sanji dips his head with a wry smile even as he looks at the endless expanse of sky in front of them. “I’m afraid I’ll drink the world and still come up dry.”

There is a thirst in him. Something different than what had wracked him for a month on that barren rock. Hunger he can handle; he eats just enough to stave it off and goes about his day. This, though— Sanji can’t help the way it buzzes in the back of his head and keeps him wound up like a coil of electrical wire. He kneads dough and whisks egg whites just to have something to do with his hands. He defaults to his usual barbs when he’s feeling ungrounded so he can kid himself into thinking he possesses some semblance of normality. His shoulders ache as he stares out over the sea and wonders what it’s like to hold so much and still, still, be so achingly empty.

The winds change, carding cool fingers through his hair. 

“Drink from me,” Zoro says, and Sanji’s breath catches between his teeth.

His head snaps up to find Zoro already looking at him, face unreadable, elbows on the taffrail and bottle cupped in his hands. The swordsman looks serene, Sanji thinks. Gaze trained straight ahead, ever clear of his objectives as Wado gleams at his side, starlight in an ivory sheath. 

“Drink from me,” he repeats. The words are solemn as they always are in moments like these, the liminal space just after dusk but before true night, as his eyes shift over to Sanji and lock in place. “I won’t let you go thirsty again.” 

Sanji’s mouth dries. It’s hard not to feel pinned as Zoro looks at him; the weight of his gaze is almost physically tangible, like a familiar green coat settling over his shoulders. That’s the thing about Zoro— For all Sanji jokes about him having plant life in his skull, the swordsman has a penchant for dropping absolutely earth-shaking statements without even seeming to think about them at all. The cook swallows once, twice, tries to find his words as his lips part and loses them as soon as he takes his next breath.

He doesn’t know if he’ll ever stop feeling like a ticking time bomb. But as Zoro’s lashes flutter and he looks away, Sanji feels something in him settle. The relentless buzz that always seems to sit just beneath his skin soothes out into a quiet hum. 

Maybe part of it’s how Zoro’s scarred and still perfect. Untouchable. Sanji couldn’t hurt him even if he tried, even if he blows apart.

His fingers wrap, unthinking, around the neck of the bottle as it’s pushed back into his hand, the pressure of Zoro’s touch lingering until he’s sure that Sanji has a good grip. The swordsman’s boots brush softly across the planks as he turns to leave and he’s halfway to the stairs before Sanji speaks.

“Marimo.”

He knows Zoro turns without even looking. “Hm?”

“Did Luffy really ask you to clean up the galley?”

A pause, before Zoro starts walking again. “Get some sleep, cook. I’ll take the rest of your watch.”

The silence he leaves in his wake is honey-thick. First watch is Sanji’s shift, it always is— He cleans up the galley and stays awake until Zoro comes to take over. 

(The galley is clean. His watch is covered. His mind is quiet.

For once, he can’t find himself another reason to stay.)

 

The sherry holds no evidence of them ever having shared it. Sanji lifts the tinted glass and there’s no trace of Zoro, no proof that his mouth had ever been where Sanji’s is— None of the candied orange and rosemary from the duck they’d had for dinner, gamey and blood-sweet.

I won’t let you go thirsty again.

Sanji tastes it still, gentle in the back of his throat as he drains the bottle.

#wrote this all listening to hozier #not a necessary accompaniment but cherry wine fits the mood perfectly even though the lyrics don’t 😌 #zosan #one piece #roronoa zoro #black leg sanji #sanji #one piece zosan #one piece sanji #zoro #zoro x sanji #one piece zoro #when will i ever stop angsting sanji you ask? NEVER #cuffs him over the head because he doesn’t know how to accept affection LOOK AT HOW MUCH ANGST I CAN FIT IN THIS BAD BOY #ino writes #will i ever stop using fruit and food and liquor as symbolism? also never

[roomy-ghosted]

My feelings towards ao3 this morning.

#baldurs gate 3 #astarion #bg3 astarion #like-i get it. but- #please. please for the love of god. just fluff or non-sexual fics. #for five seconds. #please. #I can only handle so much corn. especially when it's almost all geared just towards women. #this is all /lh i dont actually care all that much- but there comes a point where theres too much and all a man wants to do #is hold another man close. or go on perfume dates or pottery lessons with another man. #small things to help healing or gentle things or silly playful things. #hell- even taking care of all the spawn with Astarion in the bad ending- #why are all the bad ending fics ive seen corn btw? I've seen like- zero non-corn ones. #i get it. I get the vibe. but like- also. consider. like- maybe I wanna read angst with. with no corn?? please? #I've got 4 unposted fluffy fics im working on. One being hurt-comfort with some extra hurt #which i had to stop writing for a bit today because it was hurting a bit TOO much. #but yea. a little less corn for Astarion? for those who aren't horndogs? please? or just don't wanna fuck him because they #dont wanna hurt him more- (im not at the point in game where he's comfy with sex again yet-) #BESIDES GALE IN THE WAVEMOTHER ROBES IS RIGHT THERE PEOPLE- #LIKE COME ON. IF YOU'RE GONNA SEXUALISE A MAN HE'S RIGHT THERE WITH HIS PUPPY DOG EYES AN HAIRY CHEST. #There needs to be more sexualisation of Gale. NO I don't take no for an answer (Astarion is still my favourite though-)

[bylertruther]

yk. the resistance ppl have to so much as considering the idea that mike might not jump to immediately and enthusiastically engaging in obvious n indisputably gay shit with will publicly is kinda funny in a puzzling way when season three and season four, where he does exactly that the entire way through, are literally right there for us all to watch on netflix.com. like. Okay ❤️

#i get not liking angst. but it's not an insane idea. do you think it's a coincidence that mike quit touching will after season two? do you #think it was just for shits and giggles when he stopped himself from hugging will and put distance between them by ''bro''-ing #out and maintained that energy throughout the entire rest of the season until he finally got over it because he realized they were #in danger and will really needed his support? do i need to remind anyone of his season three + ongoing arc and the iconic legendary #lucas look my arm and it's not my fault you don't like girls moments? #no one HAS to write or entertain those ideas but to act like it's INSANE when we've seen him do literally just that already...... #we all know mike's got a mean bite and that he is absolutely losing the fight rn to conformity like 😭 huh.. #like even in AU contexts that gets thrown out as being preposterous. since s3 will has been the one trying to ''fight'' for #their friendship and in s4 we see him initiating contact and getting rebuffed so it's just like . dsfhbjkjhbdfkjhsbdkjfhbdkj #like do u get what i mean. why do people act like it's crazy that he'd ever be hesitant why is that never considered for even a second #why is will the one that's written as being resistant in every way!!!!!! #anyway. clasps my hands together. I Love Yelling At Clouds #byler #mine

[crybaby-bkg]

sadly and soggily thinking about dating gojo and being so deep in the relationship, that you think you two were made for each other. two peas in a pod, two halves of a whole, two severed souls connecting once more. so perfect for each other that you don’t even think about mentioning marriage and kids, convinced that you guys are already on the same page.

all until it comes up in conversation and things aren’t as perfect as you thought they were. marriage—yes, absolutely, gojo is ecstatic about tying the knot, giving you the wedding of your dreams, calling you his for the rest of you guys’ lives.

but….kids? he’s thought about it and the answer has always been a clear no in his mind. he couldn’t even dream of bringing another him into the universe, fears that it might throw off the balance of the world. that he can’t exist if his child does, but why exist at all if his child’s lesser abilities will only result in them being shunned? of being told how much of a disappointment they are? of being isolated?

and sadly, it’s a breaking point for you. you just wanted one, at least, with your forever partner. and if he can’t give it to you, then he must not be the one for you. you didn’t wanna trap gojo or coerce or manipulate him into giving you the baby you always so selfishly desired, so you leave him.

and how broken does it make him. makes him resent a baby never even conceived or planted, makes him hate what used to be and would have never been.

but…it also makes him think. if his fears would come true, if his hesitance is justified. would he be able to go long lengths to protect his baby? to protect you? would that target his whole family having a weak spot? and is it…is it even worth it at all?

#sorry my writing has been so sad lately lol #I think about that post where someone was like #‘stop writing smut start writing angst/fluff more wah wah wahhh’ #but it’s like omg my angst stuff ***** every time LMFAO #which I get tho bc who likes to be sad constantly when it comes to comfort reading!!!!! #lol anyway I hope this made sense #and sorry for ending so abruptly these cramps r whooping my ass #I just think he is so sad n soggy bc he wants you wholly but struggles with sooo many aspects of being a ‘normal’ human #idk DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE #—new treat in the streets! 🍫 #gojo treats! 🍬

[to-the-all-blue]

A curse turns the crew against Sanji a short time after Wano. It's subtle at first. Subtle enough that he chalks their weird behavior up to WCI. In his mind, he's sure the crew probably just feels uncomfortable around him after he betrayed them. So it doesn't matter that Usopp said something unusually cruel or that Nami threw a glass at him because, well, he understands that he fucked up. And they're his crew, right? He can bear it if that's what they need. Not to mention they're in the middle of the ocean, so it's not like he can leave and give them space.

Then it escalates. Then he's getting hurt. And he starts to realize this is something more. He tries to research it, but the crew won't let him. They gang up on him, making him work nonstop: taking every watch and cooking and repairing the ship and not being allowed to sleep and, and...It doesn't end. If he falters, they punish him. After only a couple weeks of this, he's left exhausted and in pain.

One day it comes to a head. Harsh words turn into a fight which turns into the crew ganging up on him as if he's an enemy combatant and he just can't. He sees them crowd him and he remembers his brothers and he stumbles. He's too exhausted to dodge, too scared of hurting them to fight back. So they get him pinned and are about to finish him off when...

Clarity.

They all wake up, suddenly. The curse is broken and Sanji is nearly dead on the ground between them and they remember.

#op fanfic #kinda #sanji #t: hurt/comfort #i had this vision in my head of Brook's sword in sanjis hand and zoros blades about to kill him when they all suddenly stop #i have a lot of other little scenes in my mind about this but who knows if ill actually get a chance to write it #so im putting it here #i just LOVE the idea of self-sacrificial sanji refusing to defend himself against his nakama #and i also like the idea of the angst after it all #zoro would be pissed that sanji didnt fight back #but at the same time he knows he would have done the same thing bc they are the crew's protectors after all #everyone else would remember the words they said and the things they did and would be sick #maybe luffy would get unnaturally quiet not sure this time how to make it all right #they are a powerful crew. theres no enemy they cant beat...unless it's them 👀

[kicksnscribs]

"Ah, you want me to talk about the Twins huh?"

"Not much to say about em, really. Used to run the subway system in Iacon way back before all the slag hit the fan. Damn good at it too.

Nicest lads you'd ever met and practically inseparable! Where one went the other was close by, almost as if they were joined at the hip. Rough upbringin's will do that to ya or so I've heard

Couldn't believe it when i saw the white one on the side of the 'Cons, even less so when i realized he was by himself. We captured him one day as a POW one time. Took a lot of us to pull it off but we managed eventually. That's when I heard the story of what happened to his...I guess brother is what you humans would call them if you absolutely needed a word to describe him. Figured the 'Cons promised him a way to get him back somehow if he joined up with them and he took the offer in a desperate attempt to find him.

Though I doubt they ever did give him anything to really go by. Recruiters will say just about anything in order to get bots to join their cause. Especially when it comes to getting their servos on big, strong fellas like the Twins.

He eventually escaped us somehow; found a way to cut through his bonds and was lost to the night before any of us could even blink. Heh, and I thought his brother was the more crafty of the two.

What d'ya mean 'creepy' smile? Rude lil' thing aren't ya?

He's always been smiling like that. Well...not exactly like that but... you know that mech never had a frown on his face that I'd ever seen. Though I will admit there's something...different about that smile now. Not at all like what I seen back in Iacon. Something sinister...

Not the only one to notice it either. Ol' Rung reckons that being separated from his brother for so long did things to him. Spark twins can't be without one another for very long without it messing with their coding n whatnot, you know?

Though, Ratch knows more about the kid's situation than anybody here on this ship. Says that he apparently had done some things in order to get his brother back. Supernatural things. Things smart mechs should know to leave well enough alone.

Wherever that mech went to get his brother, he didn't come back alone....

Such a shame, he was always a sweet kid. Had a bit of a mobility issue but only when he was excited about something I think? Which was a good thing for all I care. You need to have joy in the things you love 'n he had that in spades.

Did not really understand the concept of personal space though 'n it sometimes got 'im in loads of trouble *laughs*

The black one? Whats there to say about 'im, honestly?

Incredibly polite mech, always there to lend a helping servo or two when needed, a little older than his brother i think? He would always mess with him about that little fact.

Very gentle in situations where his brother would be very harsh, but not like in a mean spirited way, more like an excitable way if that makes any sense? You would never think that what with the constant sour look etched on his face at all times *laughs*

Never liked to talk much. Though not for a lack of ability but more of a 'can't control his volume' situation. He can hit Siren levels of loud when excited enough about something or other and feels bad about it when he does. I don't mind it though, means he's found something to be happy about and that's a good thing in my book if that's worth anything.

Really hurt to hear that he went missing millennia ago. His brother looked absolutely destroyed when I saw him in that camp. I'm glad to see he made it back.

Primus the years haven't been good to him, though. Wherever he went it did numbers on his frame.

He creaks when he walks now, and his gaze has that look of a mech who has seen far more than he should have. He still has that gentle nature about him, though. Which is good, because I think he is going to need it if he ever hopes to succeed at getting those demons running through his brothers brain module out.

I got faith in them though, they're as strong as they are inseparable. They'll get through this like they did every other thing they faced,

together.

[Pulled from the personal Datatracks of Ironhide, Chief of Autobot Security]

#hey ho i got bored again and came up with this while drawing lol #i am not a writer but that will not stop me from writing about my blorbos dammit! #long read #readmore #maccadams #submas #submas angst #i guess it can be called that? #i will draw something better for this but i had to get it out before my brain hated it #also i fucking love ironhide and for some odd reason when i was drawing all i could think about was him talking about the Twins #to some random curious human who suddenly saw two 35 foot train mechs appear on the base #i may do more with this idk #kicks' scribblings

[godsfavoritescientist]

Building off of what I wrote in my fic "Sparks," I'm really compelled by the idea of Ford genuinely no longer being interested in sailing around in a boat with Stan by the time they were seniors in high school.

I like the idea of it not being just a symptom of the resentment that had been building between them, nor it being a dream of Ford's that only paled in comparison to west coast tech, but it being a genuine loss of interest on Ford's end. I think it complicates things even further in some really juicy ways.

Like, imagine going through high school slowly losing more and more interest in the dream you've shared with your twin and only friend ever since you were little kids. How do you break it to him? How do you explain it to him without making it sound like a rejection of him? Without it making him hate you?

How do you explain it without it feeling like a spit in the face to all the hard work he's put into a plan that started out as a way of him comforting you by telling you "it doesn't matter what people say about you, you're going to be an adventurer who sails away into the sunset and never has to hear their mockery ever again, and there will be babes and treasure and heroism, and then they'll all see how cool you really are!"

And all through high school you think to yourself, "he's going to move on to more realistic dreams any day now, and then I won't have to say anything about it!" But no matter how many times you mention something else he could do with his life that he seems interested in, or bring up the challenging logistics of traveling around long-term in a boat, he sounds just as committed to the childhood dream as ever, and completely oblivious to how apprehensive you sound.

So resentment grows, little by little. Because that's easier than confronting the soul-crushing levels of guilt that are building up inside of you, every time you don't take an opportunity to tell him you don't want to do the plan anymore. You don't have a single person in your life who modeled how to have difficult conversations for you. As far as you know, having this conversation with Stan would crush him into tiny little pieces and then he would hate you forever, and you can't stand the idea of losing the only friend you've ever had.

So tensions grow. A lack of interest turns into a bitter resentment that, if you were really being honest with yourself, is directed more at yourself than it is at Stan.

And then the falling-out happens, and it seems like you were proven right. Stan hates you now, and he's never going to forgive you for giving up on his dream. But two can play that game, so you try to hate him too. Because if you hate him too, then maybe it won't hurt as much that he never came back. That he never even turned up at school, or by the boat, or in through your bedroom window in the middle of the night. He knows what dad's like, and how he says impulsive exaggerated things when he's angry, and haven't you both dealt with his harsh words countless times before and been able to dust yourselves off and joke about it later? So why isn't he back at home, joking with you about how absurd your dad acted that night, being impossible and belligerent about ruining your dream, but at least now you're even, because you've ruined his dream too.

-

And now imagine you find out he risked the lives of everyone in existence to bring you back, right after you had accepted your fate was to die killing Bill. It would be terrifying and confusing and infuriating. If he cared so much, why didn't he do something to reconnect with you sooner? Why did he ignore you in favor of trying to make it big without you? Why didn't he take the infinitely safer and simpler action of reaching out to you without you having to track down his address and send a desperate plea for help? You were convinced that he didn't care enough to bother with you unless you had an important enough reason for him to come. But even then, he thought your plans were stupid. He didn't want anything to do with you, not even with the world at stake.

Did he save your life out of guilt? Does he pity you that much? It doesn't add up with what he did in the decade leading up to shoving you into the portal. And the dissonance between the version of him in your head that hates you, and the man who held out his arms to welcome you back to your home dimension, is so strong that you feel like you're being lied to again, like you're back in the depths of gaslighting and manipulation that Bill put you through, even though there's no way that's what Stan is trying to do... right? You can't figure it out, so you run away from it. You don't want to know the answer to whether or not Stan hates you, because you don't know which answer would hurt more, so you try to make him hate you more than ever, because at least then you would know for sure how he feels.

And in the end, after he sacrifices his memories for you, and for the world, things seem clearer. The layers upon layers of confusion and anger and hurt seem to have washed away like drawings in the sand, leaving behind the simple truth: that you two had an argument, and didn't move past it for forty years, and despite everything you put each other through, you both still want to re-connect.

So you sail away in a boat together.

And at first, it's wonderful. It's exactly what you want. It feels like an apology to Stan, and a thank-you for saving the world, and a once-in-a-lifetime chance to heal the rift between you two, and it's good to be back on earth, and you wonder why you ever doubted the dream you two once had.

But then, after the first long journey you spend on the sea together, when you get back home to dry land, Stan is already talking about planning your next adventure out on the open sea. He recaps every adventure you had on the first trip, over and over again, and he wants to chat with you all through the morning and long into the night, and you don't have the words to explain to yourself that you don't have enough social battery for this, and suddenly you're slipping back into the horrifyingly familiar feeling of Stan being overbearing and needing space from him and how could you think that? How could you think that about him after everything he's done for you and everything he's forgiven you for? But the longer this goes on, the more you realize that you still don't want to spend the rest of your life sailing around with Stan. It's great fun in moderation, but the idea of your whole life revolving around Stan and going on adventures with Stan and being in a boat with Stan with no time to be by yourself thinking about your own things and figuring out your own dreams makes your skin crawl with a claustrophobic kind of panic that you still don't know how to put into words forty years after the first time this feeling grabbed you by the throat and ruined your friendship with Stanley.

But the first time this happened, it nearly ruined his life forever. You can't let yourself feel this. You don't feel this. You're happy to spend the rest of your life fulfilling Stan's lifelong dream, and making up for the time you crushed his dream, and sure, maybe he crushed your dream once too, and maybe it would be nice for him to support your dreams like you're now doing for him, but you can't say that. He saved the universe, and it would be horrible and ungrateful and cruel for you to try to voice these feelings, especially when you don't know how to voice your feelings without it making other people feel like you twisted a knife into their gut. So you try to pretend the feeling isn't there.

You go out on a boat with Stan again. You planned out another incredible journey together, and this should be fun, and you should be happy about this, but the unspoken feeling you shoved as far down in yourself as it could possibly go is eating you alive. The worst part? Stan is starting to notice. You have never been good at hiding your emotions. The trick to it has always been to convince yourself you don't feel it at all, and not think about it, and that has always worked like a charm. But whenever the emotion claws its way back up to the forefront of your mind, you can tell Stan knows something is wrong. So you can't even give him the happy ending he deserves. You can't even convince him that you want to be here on the open seas forever with him, like he deserves. And you keep trying and trying to hide it, but Stan keeps asking in roundabout ways, like "You're being awfully quiet, sixer," and "whats that look on your face?" and eventually it comes exploding out of you like a shaken-up soda bottle dropped on its cap.

And then it's like you're back at home in New Jersey again, standing in the living room while dad grabs Stanley by the shirt. It all comes pouring out of you, in the worst possible way, with the worst possible phrasing, like a pandora's box of monstrousness, and Stan tries to fight back against the sting of your words, but you're made out of acid and you're burning through him and you can see it on his face, and there's never any coming back from this, not this time, you'll just have to either jump into the ocean or become a monster forever, so Stan can hate you more easily again, and-

-and at the end of the outburst, you're still on a boat in the middle of nowhere in the ocean with your brother, in dangerous waters, and you have things to do to keep the boat running smoothly.

You can't run away from him. He can't run away from you. You're stuck here for at least a couple more weeks, even if you turned around and sailed back towards shore right away.

-

And the thing that compels me so much here, despite how unbelievably angsty it all is, is that it sets up a situation wherein the Stans might end up forced to actually address the decades of resentment and confusion and wanting-to-reconnect-throughout-it-all that they thought they could gloss over and heal with enough time spent adventuring together on a boat. They might end up forced to actually address the crux of the issue that drove them apart in the first place: Ford wanting a little more space to feel like his own person, and to feel like he's able to have his own dreams, too.

It wouldn't happen easily, nor right away, but if they were stuck together on a little boat in the middle of nowhere surrounded by magical creatures they have to protect each other from in order to make it back home alive, then after they had one fight where they brought up all the things they silently agreed to never bring up again, it would probably happen many more times, and each time it would leave them both angrier at each other than ever, until eventually something honest slipped through amidst all the saying-anything-except-what-they-mean bickering. And once enough of these honest moments slipped through, then they would have a thread to tug on to start to unravel the gargantuan knot of their decades of unresolved conflicts.

And then, eventually, maybe Stan could learn that he can have a good friendship with his brother without needing to be glued to him at the hip, and Ford needing a certain amount of alone time doesn't mean he dislikes him or wants to abandon him, and Ford could learn that he can be honest and have a meaningful connection with someone without it driving them away and making them hate him.

#succumbed to the stan twins angst visions and wrote 2000 words about this #ford pines #ford meta #this turned into a character analysis that almost reads like a fic #godswriting #<- i need to change my writing tag to this #something bothers me a little bit about the solution to their conflict being 'ford appreciates stan more now so he is now fine with- #-boat adventures with stan'. to me it leaves the initial conflict of 'he doesnt want to do that anymore' unresolved #obviously you could easily argue that ford never stopped wanting to go on boat adventures with stan and he just couldnt justify it to- #-himself when compared to the opportunity at west coast tech. but that has one less layer of conflict #compared to the possibility that he truly was not interested in boat adventures anymore. ESPECIALLY if its a manifestation of him #feeling suffocated by the whole dynamic-twins-duo thing #its normal to start wanting a little bit more space especially at that age. to want to have space to figure out who you are #the healthy thing would have been them talking about it and figuring out a compromise. like 'when ford needs space he can spend a few hours #-alone without stan being worried the whole time that it means ford hates him' and 'we still spend x amount of time working on the boat and #-we still chat on the way to and from school every day and hang out at the beach on weekends' #like of fucking course it was never about hating stan or about wanting to get away from him because of who he is as a person! #he literally just wanted to have a little bit of breathing room to be his own separate person. he just didn't know how to put it into words #I really think the crux of it all was them not knowing how to navigate that balance between independence and identity while staying close #so ford misattributing/reducing that feeling to 'I dont have the exact same dream as stan anymore. why does he still have that dream. oh no #feels like a good way of giving that conflict a tangible aspect to it thats easy for the stans to point at and talk about as a way of- #-alluding to the REAL core of the conflict between them. #and of course the show never says 'they sail around the world for the rest of their lives 24/7' so it's not like it Actually Conflicts with #-my interpretation of the conflict and how it should be resolved. but since its the last thing we see happen between them when theyre given #their happy ending. I feel compelled to say 'hey I know them living in the shack together and traveling in a boat every single year sounds- #-really fun and like a satisfying ending but I think they should have a Little Bit more space from eachother than that. Hanging out almost- #-daily but not literally being in the same house and same boat for the rest of their lives. bc if stan was ok with ford asking for that- #-little bit of space and if ford didnt panic and isolate himself from everyone whenever he needs like one hour of alone time? that would- #-feel like a big piece of the puzzle fitting into place for their conflict resolution and growth as characters. to me #and I think they deserve to have all the tied-up-loose-ends and resolved-conflicts and character-growth in the world.

[beanghostprincess]

Usopp finds out what happened on wci and feels incredibly hurt and heart broken by it but also wants to comfort him after finding out about his family treatment twords him.

He feels so conflicted because he knows why he did what he did. Marry pudding protecting them from big mom but at the same time what about him? Did he even think about him when proposing to pudding? was he just content with leaving him without an explanation? He was just going to have to find out in the newspapers 'vensmokes and big mom alliance. Prince marries the daughter big mom'

He never confronted him about it. He did it to keep him and the rest of the crew safe, that's a good enough reason. His personal feelings went unchecked, repressed and shoved down like usual as he goes back into their normal routine as a couple. tho he thinks about it a lot especially in bed whether sanji is falling asleep first or he is getting up first it's even worse when they're intimate. He just stares wondering what would have happened if he did marry another and left him.

I am actually currently writing a fic in which they talk about WCI, but it's more Sanji-focused and I personally love Usopp's POV in this situation. Leaving my fic aside, another idea I've thought about thanks to your ask is like,, Sanji talks to Usopp right after Wano. Not that they have time to do so when they get there after WCI, and Sanji isn't really in the best place mentally. So they talk once Wano is saved, etc etc etc. And,, Usopp takes it well because, how else is he going to take it? It's not really Sanji's fault and he was the one suffering the most. Usopp has this uncontrollable rage toward the Vinsmokes now too. He hates Big Mom even more now. He even feels guilty now for telling Sanji to wear the Raid suit and complimenting it when it was hurting him so much. Sanji is literally in pieces right now. He needs comfort after what he's been through, not to feel more guilty. So Usopp doesn't mention the fact that he's a bit, tiny angry at Sanji for acting on his own. It's not like he has any right to be offended. He didn't even go to WCI to save him because he was scared to see what he might find there and Nami told him that being so overwhelmed with emotions wouldn't help either. But he didn't go save him, and that kills him with guilt. So he doesn't mention how jealous he is of this random girl. He doesn't mention how unfair it is that Sanji decided to marry somebody else without even taking him into consideration. He doesn't mention how scared he is of losing Sanji again, because he's willing to sacrifice himself at any given moment, and that means he never thinks about how much that would kill Usopp. Sanji's stupid and Usopp knows this because the cook doesn't see how much he means to him, so he will go and pull shit like this. And he can't have him doing that again, but if he starts talking about this instead of only comforting it, he's scared he might say something stupid like "Did you ever think about me when you were with her?" because if Sanji says no, Usopp literally dies. And also, he finds it selfish because Sanji has already gone through hell and back for them. He doesn't need another burden to carry.

But Sanji notices, of course. Sanji notices the changes in Usopp once he tells him about WCI and what happened in Wano. And it's,,, It's not bad, per se, it's actually really sweet. Instead of pushing him away, Usopp is even tenderer with him. His caresses are longer. His kisses linger more time in his body. His hands are more careful with Sanji. Usopp stays up to watch him fall asleep while he holds him close. And- And it should be okay, right? It's comforting and nice and Usopp has never been more of a gentleman with him. And Sanji needs this now. Somebody who loves him. But Sanji notices it in the way Usopp looks at him, not in the way he holds him, that something is wrong. That his eyes speak words his body won't say. So he confronts Usopp about it one day. Careful not to overstep. Trying not to hurt him more than he already has. He asks what's wrong, and Usopp tries to play it off like it's nothing. Because "it's nothing, really, Sanji. Don't worry!" but Sanji does worry. And after some back and forth, he manages to make him talk.

I'm gonna skip all the previous conversation because I think you already know how it goes. Usopp starts slow and sweet and says that it's okay. That he understands why Sanji did what he did, but it was unfair for him to get married without telling him. Even if he was doing it to save them. That he didn't think about his feelings. Sanji tries to fix it, but he only gets defensive and keeps saying that it was the right thing to do. Usopp, on the other hand, is starting to get mad too because:

Usopp: The right thing for who?! For me?! Don't you dare say you did it for me because- Sanji: Yes, I did. I did it for you! For all of you! I couldn't have the Vinsmok- Usopp: I think we've been through enough for you to stop trusting us so quickly, Sanji. Sanji: What do you mean? Usopp: I mean I- I mean you think so little of yourself you're willing to give your life away without thinking about me! I mean- Us! Us. The crew. Fuck. You know, you could've trusted us. We could've- Sanji: We?! You weren't even there! Usopp: Oh, sorry for not wanting to see my boyfriend get married to some random, rich, spoiled brat! Sanji: Don't talk about Pudding like that. Usopp: So she's one of your specialest girls now. I see. Sanji: What the fuck are you talking about? She's just- She's just not like that. Usopp: Well, you were willing to marry her pretty fucking quick. That's what I know. Sanji: I was protecting you- Usopp: Or giving up. You were giving up. And it just- It just makes me wonder if you ever,, Sanji: What? Usopp: If you ever thought about me while you were there with her? It's stupid. I- Look, jealousy isn't my thing. This doesn't sit right with me either. I'm- God, I'm sorry, okay? I get that you did this because- Sanji: Are you dumb? Usopp: What?! Sanji: Why am I asking? Of course you are. Because if you weren't so damn stupid you'd know I was thinking about you the whole fucking time. Do you really think I wanted to get married to somebody else, pretty girl or not, I- She wasn't you. I didn't- I don't love her. I didn't want to marry her. Usopp: But you were going to do it- Sanji: Okay! Whatever! Yes! I was going to do it and I felt like shit every fucking second because she wasn't you! Do you really think I want to get married to somebody that isn't you, moron? Usopp: Wait, what? Sanji: I- Usopp: You want to marry me?? Sanji: ... No. Usopp: Say it again. Sanji: Usopp, please-

Yadda yadda yadda, I think you know what happens after this. I think they should and would get married right away. Well, not right away because Sanji needs his cute little wedding with the Strawhats but,, Yeah. They're engaged. And they're even more annoying than when they were just boyfriends.

#lmao i got dramatic hehe #this is me when i have a deep conversation with my fiancé and then i start writing on tumblr #i should stop projecting but it's the only way i have to write properly okay #ALSO I'M ALWAYS TURNING ANGST INTO HAPPY ENDINGS AEFKBEKJFBSDKF I CAN'T LET ANONS HAVE FUN WITH ANGST #i always make it fluffy #one piece #black leg sanji #usopp #sanuso #whole cake island

[plantwithoutplot]

Pros of being a writer: You can write whatever fanfic you want

Pros of being an artist: You can draw whatever fanart you want

Cons of being both: Having too many ideas and a dangerously increasing number of ✨ unfinished wips ✨

#Yes this is about animatics again #Again i was abt to write for speak up boys #But spotify hits me with *T H E* angst song i love for luffy #When it knows that I am ALREADY hyperfocusing on animatic ideas for Sabo????? #Please brain stop just work on one thing at a time 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #speak up boys! #aslinn rambles #one piece #fan fiction #LUFFY ANGST IS V RARE BC UT JUST DESTROYS YOUR HEART OK #Shatters it to utmost pieces and dust #🥲🥲🥲🥲

[bleue-flora]

Mmm… snippet of future Musical Chairs?

“Thinking about him hurts like a kick to the gut. He hasn’t seen Sapnap since he… died. Since he drowned in poisoned blood. Since he limped through the snow, a bloodied trail behind him, knowing the way and yet feeling utterly lost, wondering if he’ll ever forget the cold look in Sapnap’s eyes and the apathetic greed of his voice when he too asked about the book right before swinging a sharp sword (his sword!) into his flesh just like his fiancé had so many times before. If he’ll ever lose the frost freezing his heart as Sapnap, his friend, his brother stood there in the last possession to his name, denying Dream that small mercy of having what is his. If he’ll ever forget the sound of Sapnap’s disbelieving words as he questioned if the torture really happened as if it wasn’t clear as day from his appearance. As if he wasn’t leaning to one side, standing on a knee bent in the wrong direction. As if a vast spread of scars didn’t sprinkle across the patches of his exposed skin. As if his once dirty blonde hair wasn’t crusted in layers of blood. As if his words meant nothing, weren’t worth enough to even consider. As if he didn’t lie the last time they spoke saw eachother about coming back to visit him.”

#ah and this is what I write as Sam works on removing my will to live… freaking Sapnap… #in other words if life was nice to me I’d finally be able to write the fluff I have planned for good cop bad cop but until then…. aaaannngst #c!dream #dsmp #dreblr #mmm more musical chairs… referring to of course when Sapnap killed him… brutal… #I’d post the next chapter but I’m not happy with the dialogue…. Sam is the utter worst and I hate writing him so much… #so I guess enjoy this for the moment until I stop falling asleep which editing chapter 3 🤦‍♀️… #musical chairs #crows nest #dsmp fanfic #happy angst month #don’t judge too hard it’s my first draft literally written a handful of minutes ago #dream smp #c!dream and c!sapnap #dsmpblr #c!sapnap #dream fanfic #fanfic snack #sigh ​why is it so much to ask for some nice peace and quiet to sleep…. :’( #and for something to work properly like it should…

[beheworthy]

why did Jane break up with Thor? Because she thought Thor didn't love her?

Well, you should ask Waititi that, my friend.

Literally nothing is explained because he himself doesn't know anything. Everything I say is A) my interpretation of what Waititi WANTED to show but failed horribly at the execution because he's a terrible writer, director, and storyteller and B) my understanding of Thor's character that I've tried to gain over the past 10 yrs. I built this city.

What Waititi WANTED to show was that Thor panicked at being destined to lose his Jane (turns out Loki was right when he said 'say goodbye now so it hurts less'). He slowly, subconsciously started hurting her to drive her away from him. If she gives up on him, he can tell himself he did everything he could, it just wasn't meant to be.

That's exactly how he internalized it. That she gave up on him when he moved heaven and hel to be w her. Hence, the panic attack upon seeing her again.

This makes sense with his characterization. I just wish Waititi SHOWED that instead of leaving me to do the hard work like Charlie Day.

To answer your question, I don't think it's that simple that she thought he doesn't love her. She knows he loves her, EVEN when he never said it. Period. Like I said, it was that he doesn't love her the way she does him to hurt her again and again when she didn't do anything.

Waititi won't tell you this because he doesn't know anything about our Jane. But I'm telling you,

To poor Jane, it was that Thor had started acting this way because the Prince couldn't take being trapped in her tiny apartment cage anymore. Couple that with him never having said I Love You, she concluded that she was not enough for him.

He really does hurt her a lot. :(

#i wanna write heavy angst fics with all this when i find time #he can be real mean when he wants to #answers #anonymous #thor #thor odinson #jane foster #thor x jane #thor love and thunder #anti taika waititi #i tried giving a short answer but i cannot be stopped from writing essays

[strawberrybouvine]

small doodle of Quinn and Darlin’ cause their dynamic and relationship gives me that good angst brainrot

Quinn has a phd in gaslighting fr and Darlin’ is at the end of their rope

#redacted audio #redacted asmr #redactedverse #redacted quinn #redacted darlin #quinn x darlin #doodles #redacted angst #i miiiiight write a short thing going off this #i think darlin was quickly losing any trust and love in quinn #before they found out about his whole evil vamp schtick #cause quinn repeatedly crossed their safety lines and boundaries #when it came to their intimacy and biting #like i think quinn did hurt them a couple of times #like biting too hard and scratching and like not stopping or loosening his bite #they give me brainrot fr #my art

[patrice-bergerons]

WIP Wednesday

Hey, it is almost Wednesday so 🤷‍♂️ This is from that Janto fic that has swept me away -- a fic that is all angst if you believe but it is still them, so there you go.

The kitchen is no better.

His eye catches on the trash bin, and he can practically hear Ianto chiding him for throwing a dog bone in there, some three years ago.

“We throw chicken bones in all the time, don't we?” Jack asks, a bit annoyed himself that all Ianto sees in his clear attempts to be tidier around the house are more mistakes. “What's the difference?”

“Well, it's not a chicken, is it? That used to be someone's dog, Jack.”

Jack crosses his arms at his chest.

“And remind me again, whose cat is it that ate poor Mr Fluffy?”

Ianto meets his gaze head on.

“It was a misunderstanding – and Abby is very sorry.”

Abby, who has been licking their paws with two sharp forked tongues, nonplussed as you please, pauses now to glance at Jack before continuing with their post-meal shower. The feeling he gets from them can at best be described as a shrug and a half hearted whoops!

They did save Ianto’s life, Jack reminds himself. And they can be adorable – when they aren't going around eating their neighbours’ dogs.

“So what do you want to do with that femur – if I can't throw it in the bin?”

“We will bury it,” Ianto replies solemnly, ever the man of action, already striding towards the backyard to set up a canine funeral.

#torchwood #janto #my fic #wip wednesday #abby is short for abyss btw #because when you think about it: #why SHOULDN'T ianto get to live and why SHOULDN'T he adopt a slightly carnivorous slightly telepathic alien cat #honestly this fic is all angst #and i keep having to stop myself from writing aboht the great adventures of ianto and his void kitty #instead

[thecowboykatsuki-anon]

Cowboy Touya hadn’t planned on taking you, his very drunk ex (and the one that got away), home from the bar when your jerk of a new boyfriend ditches you after a fight.

But he really wasn’t expecting his chest to ache so much as he’s reminded of all the ways you used to be his, your fingers interlocked tightly with his as he drives.

#the second he sees you come back to the bar crying #and take a shot he immediately stops drinking #he knows you he knows what’s coming #he ends up carrying you on his back halfway across the parking lot #simply cause you complained your feet weren’t listening to yoh #and he pretends not to notice when you start to sniffle as he’s buckling you into his truck #he knows you just need a minute to collect your emotions #the alcohol in your system making you weepier than usual #I’m gonna write this tomorrow I think #t writes #cowboy anon writes #thecowboyanon writes #dabi #cowboy! touya #mha #touya angst #dabi angst #cowboy! dabi #ex touya

[plasmodiumpyrexia]

A few more crying tropes (first post here):

While in [B]'s arms. [A] shifts to hold them tighter, a shaky breath and the tears start, falling slowly at first; B feels it on their skin

Soft whimpers and quiet weeping

Covering their face/mouth, shaking with barely contained sobs and all the effort not to make a sound

A forced smile on an overall troubled, pained expression

Late at night their thoughts run wild and buried emotions surface; it feels like they're drowning as they cry themself to sleep

Self-soothing (hugging themself, holding a comfort item, etc.)

On the verge of tears but still trying to put on their usual cheer until the moment it crumbles

The lip/chin quiver (!)

"Just let it out..."

A couldn't register what they were feeling until the adrenaline faded - then it hit them all at once

Making an excuse to leave the group or waiting until they're alone before letting themself cry

When A tries to hide that they've been crying but B notices and asks them about it

Strained laughter that tapers off into a sob

Tears of relief when the worst is over, things are improving and A (or someone they care about) is finally safe

In frustration, struggling to do something that was easy before

Breaking down while insisting they're ok

Or, A wants to tell B what's going on and instantly breaks down when admitting that they're not ok

#whump prompts #emotional whump #crying #angst #writing prompts #feel free to add #comfort #just wanted to continue the last one #maybe I have a problem lol #so much of what I love in these scenarios boils down to #''[A] thinks they shouldn't cry for some reason #feels like like they need to hide their struggles #eventually they can't #and when it boils over [B] is there for them holding space #no judgment; B doesn't tell them to stop (they even encourage A to feel and let everything out) #and A gets to have the epic cry they need'' #its all about the release/catharsis #and the support

[aria0fgold]

A confession of wishes for a future without you.

Ren sat up from the bed, he couldn't sleep. He's been lying down for hours now, eyes closed even, and yet he still couldn't find his own sleep. Morgana laid beside him, sound asleep. He carefully got up, so as to not disturb him. Making sure to walk quietly in his room while looking for something, anything to help him sleep. A book, a distraction, whatever it is that he can find. So he began his search and not even a minute later, stumbled upon a box. One far too familiar that he froze when he saw it. How many months had it been since he had that box now? He doesn't know, didn't want to keep track of that time, didn't even want to think about anything in regards to it at all.

A small black box with intricate designs painted in red, it wasn't locked, in fact, it can easily be opened. But Ren never did open it. He didn't want to, he didn't want to know what's inside it, didn't want to face the reality that Kaito— that he— that his friend is… He wanted to bathe in the pool of lies he made for himself, that Kaito's sudden disappearance isn't too much of a big deal, that someday, maybe just maybe, he'll come back again. He continued to lie to himself like that, ever since Kaito disappeared.

Perhaps, it's time to face reality once more.

Ren took a deep breath, opening and closing his hand in an effort to steady its trembling, in an effort to gather enough courage to open the box he had been avoiding ever since he first saw it, days after he lost all contact with Kaito. It was hidden underneath the bed, Ren moved it somewhere else, farther from him yet in its own safe place. Just like what he wished and hoped for Kaito as well, far from him yet safe. So he kept wishing, over and over again.

Please be safe, please be safe, please be safe.

That's how wishes work, right? To think it three times, say it thrice, and believe with all your heart for it to be real. So he held onto that hope. No matter how small it was, he held onto it like a precious gem nestled within his palm, threatening to shatter at the slightest jolt.

Ren took a few more deep breaths, until finally, he reached for the box and lifted its lid. In it was a letter, white with a blue ribbon, and a monocle beside it. Ren can feel the gears in his brain coming to a halt, slowly… slowly… it'd freeze in time, but not now, not yet. Mechanically, Ren stood up and walked towards the bed, he sat by the edge, near the window to put an arm on, to lean his body on. For support maybe, for a hope perhaps, that once he's finished reading the letter. Kaito would appear in his white suit with his cape flowing in the wind, the magician in the moonlight.

That's what this is, isn't it? A confession of secrets. He had an idea about it, infamous internationally wanted criminal, Kaito KID was Kaito Kuroba's other identity. He had a feeling that was the case but never pursued the thought, it'd be unfair, won't it? For Ren to intrude into Kaito's secret when he has his own secrets to hide. So it'd just be fair, to not know. To pretend to not know anything. To pretend that the thief he saw on the rooftop that day isn't someone he knows even though he's so painfully aware of it. It's only fair that way.

Ren took another deep breath, swallowing hard as he prepared to open the letter, setting aside the box with the monocle still inside by the window sill.

His heart skips a beat at the sight of his name, written by Kaito's hand.

“Dear Renren,” it starts, “How are you? Knowing you, you probably didn't open this letter until months had passed, I bet! ”

Ren quietly chuckled at that, he was right. Kaito was always too good at reading people. “That's alright though, I won't blame you because I'm such a gentleman,” A small face was drawn there, it looked like Kaito smirking at him, how cute. “I'm sure you've already seen the other item in the box, it was right on top of the letter you're reading now after all! ” He drew a monocle then. Ren held his breath as he read through the next passage.

“What I'm about to tell you, is a confession of a secret! You can't tell anyone about this! This is our own little secret.” A winking Kaito was drawn there, adorable. Ren giggled as he whispered to the wind, to himself, and to the Kaito that wrote the letter.

I promise.

“I'm Kaito KID.” Party poppers were drawn on both sides of that phrase, confetti doodled around it, he really was adorable… “Although… I had a feeling you already knew about this.”

He really was good at reading people.

“It's so anti-climactic doing this on paper too. I wish I could tell you in person instead, I'd love to see your reaction.”

Ren's breath hitched then. His mind slowly drawing a blank, please be safe, please be safe, please be safe. He repeated in his head. Like a chant, a good luck charm, filled with the hope burning his chest, threatening to explode.

“Renren… I know this is kinda cliche but by the time you're reading this, I probably didn't make it after all.”

Ren gripped the paper tightly then, and immediately let go. He shouldn't… ruin Kaito's letter. There was… there was still more to read through… A prank, maybe, a mistake perhaps, please let this be a nightmare he can wake up from. Ren took a deep breath, gathering himself to continue reading once more.

“Hey, Renren, I may not be there while you're reading this but I can tell you're sad right now! Come on, turn that frown upside down! You know I don't like seeing you sad, right…?

…I'm sorry.”

Ren inhaled sharply, pinching the bridge of his nose to stop the urge to cry growing deep inside him, like a dam waiting to burst, a pipe waiting to break, a heart waiting to shatter. It took him a moment to continue reading it.

“I know, I know... there's a lot of questions you want to ask right? And I… I don't think I can answer any of it, after all...

Hey, Renren… How about a magic trick? It'd be hard to pull this off in a letter but here! ” In the next part, four cards were drawn face down, or rather, drawings of four small face down cards were partly glued to the paper, a small tape keeping it shut. “Pick one!”

Ren reached for the second card, carefully peeling off the tape, behind it revealed an 'Ace of Hearts'. Ren bit his lip then, to stop it from trembling.

“Hehehe, You chose the second card, didn't you? And no! Before you start thinking, 'it doesn't matter what card I pick, all of them is the same.' Well, then mister! You can open the other cards to double check it! I assure you that they aren't all the same! ”

And so Ren did. He carefully peeled off the tape from the rest of the cards.

The first card revealed an “I”

The third card revealed a “You”

The fourth card revealed a “Forever”

The last card, was stained with a droplet.

The droplet, was accompanied by another then.

Ren couldn't stop himself anymore. He put the letter on the window sill, slowly, carefully, with a trembling hand, he reached for the box, brought it on top the letter as weight. He reached inside it, for the monocle for him to hold, to steady his trembling hands. Ren sobbed, quietly, soundlessly, he cried in silence so as to not disturb anyone.

“…Ren?”

But that was all in vain at the sound of Morgana's voice.

“Are you… crying?! What happened?! What's wrong?!” Morgana shot upright at the realization, immediately running to Ren's side. Ren couldn't really answer him even if he wanted to, so Morgana looked around for answers. He didn't need to look far.

He stared at the box, at the letter, and at the monocle Ren was clutching. It was enough.

“…Oh.” Morgana's ears drooped and twitched, he didn't quite know what to do, Ren's cries makes his heart ache, he wanted to comfort him but how? Grief isn't so easily comforted. After thinking awhile, Morgana settled upon sitting beside Ren. “I'm… I'm here for you, okay?”

Ren couldn't answer still, but he was grateful for it. Grateful for Morgana, grateful that there's someone there for him while his world was breaking. Kaito was so unfair… selfish…

. . .

Seconds passed, and then minutes, Morgana had found where the tissue box is and moved it near Ren, he had found a water bottle nearby too, placing it just beside the tissue box. Minutes passed, and then hours. The empty trash can that Morgana moved near Ren as well now contained tissues, the water bottle that was once full was nearly empty. And the quiet cries that filled the room turned into quiet sobs.

Morgana rubbed Ren's back with his paw, in hopes of comforting him further. Until finally, Ren calmed down. Enough to take deep breaths to compose himself.

“…Thanks…” He whispered, voice hoarse.

“Mn… How are you feeling now?”

“…Tired.” Ren glanced at the letter.

“Why don't you wait until tomorrow to continue reading it?” Worry was evident in Morgana's voice.

He should, he really should just wait a bit before reading again, that fit of crying made him tired enough to want to sleep already but… He wanted to finish reading it tonight.

Ren gazed out the window, he stared at the sky, as dark as it was that faithful night. He stared at the stars flickering on and off, he remembered the split second he saw the stars reflected in the eyes of that magician as he turned to face them. He stared at the moon, peeking through the buildings, it was a full moon, much like that night. The view of the moon behind a mysterious magician donned in a white suit and top hat with a cape flowing behind him. It was a magical sight that Ren will remember no matter how much time has passed.

Ren took a shaky breath. He reached for the letter, the monocle in the other hand.

“I'm sorry…” Ren's eyes stung, “I deserved to be yelled at right now, you can call me unfair, and selfish, and stupid! You can shout it to the sky, I'll be sure to hear it. But Renren…

Ren. I wanted to tell you how I felt, because I doubt I'd have a chance to say it to you if not now. I'm sorry, maybe I should've told you about it before… this. But then I think, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for hurting you way more than how you're hurting now, all because of me. Just know that, I love you, and I want the best for you, even if I'm not around you anymore, even if I'm not there anymore. I'll always love you forever and ever! All the times we spent together were the most precious memories I have… Well, had.

Hey, Renren… Promise me you'll find someone else to make you happy, alright? Someone, something, anything! I want you to be happy. You better be looking up at the night sky with a smile! I'll be sure to see it.

I love you, Ren.”

#ariawrites #persona 5 #magic kaito #jokid #mkp5 #ren amamiya #kaito kuroba #morgana #angst #no tw here i thiiiiiink? its just pain. #okay so like-- smth i didnt get to include here cuz it messed up me and akiren tbf #basically so like that part with the cards. i originally wanted it to just have the normal suits on it #but while i was writing that. and well with sirius' heart in the bg fueling me. the song got to be morse code part #and i was like: hmm i love you-- and it was like a lightbulb went off above my head #sooooo brightly it practically shattered cuz i realized theres 4 cards suits so i was like #ouuouoghhghghhh?????? so yea the card suits got changed to say i ❤ you forever #and basically during my initial idea before i changed it. kaito was supposed to #proudly say that akiren always chooses the 2nd options when faced with 4 options #so like-- hc in this au is that whenever akiren and kaito is tgt and akiren is faced with 4 options #for practically anything. he always chooses the 2nd one cuz for him thats kaito #like-- the 1st and 4th are like walls keeping them safe from danger and the 2nd is kaito and 3rd is akiren #considering the fact that theyre both wanted criminals. kaito esp being more worldwide #and at that point akiren only has speculations but doesnt rlly stop him from thinkin bout 4 options like that #cuz he feels the safest with kaito and want kaito to feel safe with him too so its like-- #theyre each others safe place. kaito doesnt know that reason know. mr so observant esp to akiren #only knows that akiren chooses the 2nd option so like i was supposed to write bout #akiren thinkin bout the cute lil reasoning he has as to Why he does it but well the reveal #of the i love you forever hurts so much and hits harder you cant just think at that point anyway