#which i NEVER did bc of the executive dysfunction

[hanasnx]

(the executive dysfunction monster hit me too, i fear. was stuck between babydaddy!red hood and babydaddy!arkham knight, but i settled on red hood bc i'm choosing to gatekeep my ak thoughts)

baby daddy!jason, who you co-parent with in a very civilized way. no joke, the picture of camaraderie between exes. he takes your daughter on the days he's supposed to (which isn't that often, given his occupation) and brings her back on time, always with a little gift for you as well. flowers, chocolates, a little knick-knack reminiscent of when you were together. it's not because he's in love with you or anything; it's just the principle of the matter. "happy wife, happy life," not that you were married or even dating, but he figures the mother of his child should get love sometimes. 

baby daddy!jason, who, the next time he sees you, it's to drop off something your daughter forgot with him, and as he's handing you the bag, he casually asks why you haven't been asking him to take her more often. you had been for a while when you were going on dates weekly, but for some reason, the relationships never went anywhere, so you just gave up. "oh, you know, it just wasn't working out." you say off-handedly, "kept getting ghosted." you sound only marginally disappointed, moreso annoyed. "hm, what a shame, they're really missing out," he says, getting real close to you and taking up your entire field of vision.

baby daddy!jason, who's got your entire calendar memorized and knows that his daughter's not home tonight, and you've got no plans other than watching movies in solitude. he knows you're too stubborn to call him over for company even though you've been giving him fuck me eyes in passing for the past few months, so he figures he just has to take matters into his own hands and corner you until you give in like he knows you want to.

baby daddy!jason who fucks you on damn near every surface in the house, telling you he's just christening the place like he would've already done if you lived together. whispers apologies in your ears about scaring off all of your dates while he's splitting you open, bullying his cock into you while your eyes roll to the back of your head because you haven't been fucked this good in years, not since the last time you'd been with him. your face is deep in some pillows when you realize the memories you had of his dick pale in comparison to the real thing, and you weren't sure you could go back to using your imagination to get off after tonight.

baby daddy!jason, who keeps you up all night until your pussy's red and puffy from how many times it'd come in contact with his hips while he was fucking you. fat tip kissing your cervix until you were clawing at his biceps, begging him to give you some reprieve, tears in your eyes while you babble incoherently, too lost in the feeling of him to make any sense. he admits in the midst of sex that he tried to get over you, he really did, but he just couldn't; just couldn't picture you with another man in any capacity. the thought of someone else touching you, fucking you, loving you, made his stomach turn, filling him with rage and an overwhelming need to claim you as his. 

baby daddy!jason, who's a level-headed, non-fragile ego'd man until it comes to his family, which, contrary to what some would say, did not only consist of his daughter but you too, and any guy who tried to get with you was a threat. he didn't know the intentions of other men, but he knew his own, which was to keep his little family happy as long as he was alive. if that meant putting a gun to the head of anyone who made a move on you and consoling you by stretching you out the way he knew you liked until you just said "fuck it" and let him put another baby in you, then so be it.

-🍃

i have a hard time responding to long inbox messages but i wanted to tell you thank you for indulging me in my idea i loved reading this :)

#indy shoots the shit #thanks for the msg!! #anon: 🍃 #ch: baby daddy!jason #jason todd prompt

[linisiane]

I’ve seen that post on here that’s like “What did they put in this game to make us all Like That,” and I think we’re all Like That about Disco Elysium bc we’re all hyperfixating on it because it surprisingly speaks to the chaos of living with ADHD. And we SEE that and feel seen.

- First of all, Harry Du Bois Adhd headcanons pop off hard, especially with the whole “I do speed to do detective work,” aka I need stimulants to focus, aka unintentional self-medication. Also the poor impulse control, emotional disregulation. And the voices remind me of the way my brain jumps topic to topic so I have like 4 ongoing topics going at once. Stereo investigations, thoughts in the thought cabinet, if you will.

- Additionally, a lot of interactions surrounding Harry’s memory loss even feel very ADHD. ADHD is a problem with working memory (attention/focus), which cascades into causing problems with encoding memories for long term storage. You can’t remember what you never even focused on. Because of this, being forgetful of things that seemed basic or obvious or easy to remember for other people is a staple problem for people with ADHD, and while the game is obviously much more extreme with total retrograde amnesia, I find that the game’s demonstration of “the people being frustrated or confused by basic things you’ve forgotten or misplaced” (and this being taken seriously as a Big Issue affecting your life, even if the others don’t take it seriously/brush it off) is very relatable and almost cathartic. Even if the only reason why it’s taken so seriously in the game is because you’ve just literally lost all your memory… and your gun lol

- Harry doing buck wild things to get results based on the conversations going on inside his head, which don’t get read to the outside world, is very relatable. Again, my brain jumps topic to topic so much that it’s almost hard to track the logical thread connecting the thoughts internally, much less explain them to another person at the same time. The “how did we get here, what exactly brought you to this course of action? This seems unrelated, detective” is very much a conversation I experience on the daily, whether with myself or the people around me.

- Kim Kitsuragi is the ADHD fantasy. @snowberry-pie’s got in one. He’s perfect for fighting off that executive dysfunction by helping you actually get shit done while not being suffocating/controlling/shaming about it. He sorta takes responsibility of you to help you take responsibility of yourself. He’s a body double, your partner in it with you. Lets you go on your barely related stereo investigations and indulges your inexplicable actions instead of controlling you, trusting that it’s part of the process lol. Offers positive reinforcement instead of using shame (like calling Harry a burden) to get Harry to focus on the case.

Disco Elysium has lots to say about how disability is exacerbated/unsupported by the system for a lot of characters, including Harry. Adhd fits right into that, especially with the ways an ADHD!Harry interpretation would highlight the understandable nature of his drug addiction (not only was it a way to cope with chronic pain that no one was treating him for, but also a way to cope with unmedicated ADHD).

Anyways I wrote this instead of writing my paper.

#my thoughts #adhd #harry du bois #harrier du bois #disco elysium #de #“Perseveration” officer? How about we “persevere” in writing that paper? #Kim being like “you lost your memory? You still gotta do your job tho” is me to myself everyday. ಥ_ಥ #Shout out to the opening scene of eeaao for also capturing the experience of living with ADHD subtle-ly #meta #metas #kim kitsuragi #literary analysis

[writingquestionsanswered]

Not sure if this was asked before but... how do you get your *passion* back for writing - or any old hobbies at all? Maybe bc of ADHD, but I used to hyperfixate on writing, reading and other things. They were my world. Now, when I actually have time to write... my interest is meh. Mild. Barely exists. But I'm still interested. Just not passionate. My heart doesn't flutter at new OC ideas anymore - or ships. Or family dynamics. I'm bored... what gives?

ADHD: Interested in Writing, But Not Passionate

I really struggled with this. Mainly, because I have a hard time wrapping my head around, "My interest barely exists but I'm still interested." I can't make sense of that.

I've written three different versions of an answer, none of which I liked in the end, because I think the long and the short of it is this: you can be interested in writing generally, but stuck on a WIP or unable to get started generally. And there are all sorts of reasons why you can be stuck on a WIP or unable to get started generally (including executive dysfunction... thanks, ADHD!) However, at the end of the day, if writing was a hyperfixation for you, that may be all it ever was. Even if some part of you is still "interested."

Which brings me to a story from answer attempt #2, which I think is still worth sharing. Years ago, I hyperfixated for weeks on a particular historical topic. I couldn't get enough. I read about it, watched documentaries about it, subscribed to magazines about it, fell down topic-related rabbit holes for hours at a time. My brain needed to understand every single thing there was to know about the topic, which was troublesome because everything about this topic isn't known... even by those who study it.

One day, my attention shifted to something else, but I never really lost the "interest" in this topic. My ears still perk when I hear something about it. I still skim articles about it when they come up on social media. I would probably pause in my channel surfing if I happened on a documentary about it. But my interest isn't the same. It's not enough for me to dive in to the extent that I did when it was a hyperfixation. And this was tested by the fact that not long ago, I visited a museum with a whole wing dedicated to this topic. And I knew it was a big deal that I was there, and that hyperfixated me would have blown a gasket out of sheer joy, but I just wasn't able to engage with the exhibits the way I wanted to or felt I should. I was looking at the artifacts and absorbing the words on the exhibition labels, but I wasn't feeling anything about it. It all fell flat. Which was kind of depressing, to be honest.

So, I'm telling that story because I think there's a very real possibility that may be what's happening for you with writing. It may just be a hyperfixation that still interests you in some way, but which can never really inspire that same level of interest you once had--unless you become hyperfixated on it again, but there's no way to force that. And there's no way to know for sure if that's what's going on except to try some of the things suggested in the links below to see if you can troubleshoot a cause or kick start your motivation. If not, it may just be something you did once and may come back to again eventually. ♥

Guide: Filling Your Creative Well Guide: How to Rekindle Your Motivation to Write Getting Excited About Your Story Again Getting Unstuck: Motivation Beyond Mood Boards & Playlists 5 Reasons You Lost Interest in Your WIP, Plus Fixes! Feeling Unmotivated with WIP

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[girlymatsu]

WAAAHHHH @flyingspicerack thank u for the ideas!! (i doodled some things along with my rambles) LONG POST AHEAD talking about stuff

GETTING TOGETHER…

Abshrhsa I think of thousands of ways osoeri get together… every which way.. but I think canonly their relationship is kind of slow and vaguely romantic for a while!!

Friends that hug for too long and when going out on the train erina is always asking to lean on his shoulder to rest and ends up nuzzling him.. Osomatsu talks to his brothers as if erina is already his girlfriend and brags all the time like “ERINA-CHAN IS THE ONLY ONE FOR ME!!!”

But when its just Osomatsu and Erina they’re close friends but often are shy with their affection at first, osomatsu going so quiet when erina leans on him to sleep and holding his breathe the whole way home.. Osomatsu goes out of his way to inch his hand towards Erina’s and the tips of their pinkies kiss and it makes him tremble out of love overload.. And despite being outgoing Erina is quite shy when initiating things sometimes like she’ll just get closer while laughing and acting like she’s not doing anything ^///^ his hands will just be on top of hers for a while and she will not point it out and let it happen bc she doesn’t want it to end..

Erina is very insecure too I imagine they get closer because Osomatsu gets to know her insecurities and hype her up and thinks she’s even cuter because of them ahdnfndk like erina thinks she’s like.. “fake cute” and that people will be repulsed by her knowing she’s a mess— and though osomatsu doesn’t really understand her mental turmoils he just wants to her to believe that he thinks she’s so cute the cutest in the world like goes crazy over how she’s sincere like wtf.. pure !?

UGH and then and then. I imagine when osomatsu is pushing his luck with her, being perverted and acting really gross towards her until he’s all up on top of her and she doesn’t do anything to stop him… he melts into mush on top of her. Saying that she has to stop him if she wants him to stop, and erina doesn’t want him to stop. And Osomatsu says she’s being dangerous, does that mean she likes him? Erina says what if I did like you… Osomatsu hugging her like you won’t be able to take it back, I don’t think I’ll ever let you go never never— and then it segways into being more bold and becoming a real relationship auagahgaa

MUNDANE THINGS-

i love to think about how they share treats,Erina loves sweet drinks so Osomatsu always gets a taste… sip sip and kiss 😚

And just like how totty and Osomatsu watch videos on their phone I think Osomatsu and erina would do that too, watching funny videos and making dirty jokes.. I think Osomatsu loves it when Erina loves funny sex and poop humor!!

Erina has the worst executive dysfunction when it comes to cleaning and organizing so when she has to do laundry, sometimes osomatsu comes over and either just lays around and just his presence motivates her.. and sometimes he helps but they both get lazy and they just lay on top of the clothes to take a break 💕

I Like to think about also take walks around the city often and erina jumps and fawns over every dog they see 🐶

HOLIDAYS

Erina doesn’t get to go home to her family very often during the year so Osomatsu invites her to spend time with his household during the family oriented holidays.. eating hotpot and she can spend time with his funny brothers and parents.. Matsuyo loves her and tries to insert subliminal messages to give her a grandchild by showing her baby pictures.. I think it’s so sweet erina would very much appreciate not being alone for the holidays and being around people who are close to one another rather than her family that is actually very distant from each other emotionally

AND FOR NON family oriented holidays.. like Christmas Eve for couples.. ofc they go on dates but Osomatsu WILL have his head in the gutter the whole time preparing for getting dirty afterwards— like haha yeah the lights are so pretty, I can’t wait to have sex tonight 🤪 while erina is like wow this is soo romantic.. I cant wait to have sex tonight 🥰

SEEING EACH OTHER ON THE STREETS!

Literally magnetic towards each other they will find a way.. floating over to each other spinning in circles like omgomgomg wowowow I missed u!! And their plans for the day combine like he was out shopping groceries and she was going to get a package well why don’t we go together teeheehee (annoyed choromatsu third wheel)

OK THATS IT FOR RAMBLING IF ANYONE BOTHERED TO READ IT ALL THANK YOU

#osoart #osoeri #erina

[drifloonz]

would luv more general steven(or s!3v3n) x reader hcs..

i am so sorry you caught me in the middle of vc. some of these. also i accidentally closed the fucking tab and had to rewrite all of this. i hate being a writer on tumblr.

some of these are by my friends. some of them r by me. some are funny. some are serious. Some are all and or both

i just realized these are only general steven headcanons i am so fucking sorry i was tired and it was like 4-6 am. take them anyways i'll edit like a few actual x reader ones in

_______

he doesn't get outwardly super scared, but he DOES shiver or make discontented noises when he's scared. playing horror games with him is kinda funny. if you make him play a vr horror game he will hate you forever and ever. it's rly funny tho.

he tries way too hard. with everything. pre-incident? being a role model, being cool, being a trainer, being a champion for like one month, being stereotypically romantic, etc. post-incident? being scary, being intimidating, etc.

despite this he is still very dorky and awkward. at least pre-incident. it was common. type of guy to lean on a wall but he falls

he wears light cologne. i'd say he wears axe 3-in-1 but that'd be way too rude to both me and other stevenlikers.

pre-incident he trips over his words sometimes, sometimes his tones too flat, sometimes he speaks too loudly or quietly, etc etc. Basically. 'tism.

he's good at clue, the board game.

pronounces gif like "g.i.f" ( like it's an acronym ). please, god, make fun of him for this.

his hands are always cold for no fucking reason post-incident. if you hold his hands in the summer it kind of helps the heat go away. love wins

really wanted a guitar. he's a dork so he does air guitar sometimes when no ones looking or does guitar motions while holding a long thing that isn't a guitar. He would play guitar hero and be absolutely mid at it but blue and red think he's the coolest fucking thing ever for it. This is inspired by somebody elses hc i think(????). if u read this. ur a real one and r so true.

because of this if you actually got him a guitar i think he'd make a small genuine smile. he has executive dysfunction and depression so itd probably take a while for him to actually do anything with it, but he rlly appreciates the gesture.

also kinda has a good singing voice but is better at backing vocals.

he organizes things a bit too much, which stopped during his spiral phase, but for example his pc boxes are like. a living dex, or just by pokedex number. he prob never completed his dex tho. mike though who did/almost did, has Entirely unorganized boxes. after the incident he obviously stopped caring bc depression so like. yeah. so his rooms a little unorganized and his house in general. he will silently appreciate it if you organize it for him.

never allowed miki to have eggs bc 1; gen 1 limitations. idk how that'd work in universe but that'd probably be why it didnt happen in the pokepastas. 2; as you can tell. he's kinda overprotective of miki. also charizards aren't like. very regular pokemon you find and he wouldn't want to breed her with a ditto. and would only want to allow her to if she actually found a for-life mate.

and for the x reader-ification of this in the edit bc i misread the ask, he'd also do it if ur dating him and u have a pokemon. for example, whatever starter you have and miki would b cute. straight couple.. yuri couple.. yaoi couple... love is love and miki doesnt care. its cute and they act all cuddly and snuggly with eachother probably. kinda reminds you of u an steven too

speaking of miki is larger than normal charizards and probably is built a little different literally and figuratively. stevens tall. miki is taller though. at the very least post incident Corpse Miki is. how unique she was did not help stevens rage ( getting a new one would not be nearly the same especially due to that + he would never. ) but it was a smaller factor in everything. also i do not think that thang can lay eggs post-incident. sorry if u wanted a fucked up missingno charmander.

even if the trade incident happened but miki came out alive he'd still go on a depression spiral. he probably wouldn't kill mike in the end, but he'd be much quieter, and would be even more paranoid. would probably willingly move away from mike or separate their rooms at the least. if u were dating him during this time you could probably at least still recover him from this state since its less serious but the tension would be palpable for a while.

mike is your number 1 wingman for steven swooning. he's kind of bad at being a wingman. or he's good at it. whichevers funnier in your opinion tbh. but he knows what steven likes ( at least he hopes he does ) so he gives you tips and tricks for wooing him. or he gives steven tips and tricks on wooing you because he knows both of you n hangs out with both enough to know.

this is a headcanon with basically no basis but theres a part of me that kind of likes steven and mike being born in johto or somethin'. which is why he goes to johto in doors open after the incident. he's running away from his past + kanto + it's his home region. At least for a while. so he sometimes likes to travel around with miki and you there, or to other places.

he double-checks a lot of things way too much. like if things are locked, if things are properly in place, and if wires are properly connected and not fucked up or tangled or broken ( iykyk ). if you check for him and reassure him everythings fine he'll calm down slightly, but his paranoia goes "okay but what if they didnt check enough."

if you told s!3v3n he was being a bad boy like a fucking dog when he does smth you dont like he probably would actually look like a dejected puppy for a moment and sit in a corner ( /j. maybe. )

s!3v3n's got big fuckin shadowy hands. and claws. good for backscratching or massages oddly enough, if asked for....????

steven will try to impress you by playing a videogame and doing something cool. he probably fails or almost fails at it. but its kind of endearing and cute anyways.

he's left-handed ( definitely not projecting ). for symmetry, mike is right-handed. also miki is ambidextrous. How can a Charizard be ambidextrous you ask? You know. For fun. Daisy is also ambidextrous though which is the more normal option.

i mean... steven is probably also ambidextrous with anything other than writing/drawing ( PROJECTING HARDER ).

ultimately kind of silly ( He has murdered three )

hope you enjoy :)

#wispy writes #steven strangled red #headcanons #ask

[rusty-guitar-strings]

ari's thoughts on mentopolis episode 3: f for freezer

caution here there be spoilers

starting this abt 15 minutes in: conrad bb no do not turn urself in pls

also someone mentioned thinking justin might be evil so now im sus of him oops

alternate title for the episode: fuck it we ball

no one: the fix: did you know- (he is so me coded)

no character art for elias?

a key in her freezer???? wtf oh ok lmao

hanks small smile at "mr the fix" i am meltingggggg

SOMEONE TELL CONRAD ITS NOT HIS FAULT ALREADY

eagles hold on so tight they have to make an active effort to let go and we are all eagles holding onto something and we have to work to let it go and the fix is an eagle and is never gonna let go of conrad bc i decided that just now and DAMN U MR GREEN THIS IS TOO GOOD

justin needs a pipe and a deerstalker actually. dogtective

(dont smoke, kids) (almost typed that as just dont smoke kids which you should probably also not do)

awww ofc alex would remember fawn as conrad ueueueue i love,,, himb (conrad. alex's pronouns are they/them. i love them as well :>)

"they forgot me" nOOOOO

conrad is driving oh god

the drama of anastasia being estranged

very little dominance,,, massive self doubt,,, are we sure this aint MY brain

i assume ivana was there for the skate incident

elias has a TWIN SISTER omg

so elias wanted to run, not fight

i hate mr bition but ya he and the fix were prolly a thing i see the tension lmao

ok i REALLY hate mr bition he seems like an ableist piece of shit GET HIS ASS THE FIX

OH MY GOD YES BREATHING EXERCISES

god ok gonna get briefly a bit personal here so i was raised with the mindset of "you dont get to do the things you want to do until you've finished all the things you need to do" and when you have executive dysfunction its hard to do anything at all, so i never really finished the things i needed to get done on time which resulted in a lot of being yelled at and things being confiscated and such. so m bition's monologue kinda hits

you are the only thing standing in your way,,,

wait is the key talking??? the key is like the manifestation of the psychometer prolly

OH GOD IS IT WEDNESDAY YET

#dimension 20 #mentopolis #d20 mentopolis #dropout #conrad shintz #dan fucks #imelda pulse #hunch curio #the fix #anastasia tension

[autismvampyre]

ok so audhd rant/asking for advice

we had a psychologicist come to the class to explain autism and adhd today. the reason why is bc i have faced a lot of discrimination, ableism and bullying from my peers bc of my disorders. my teachers felt we should all learn what the words mean and why they should never be used as insults, and how that can affect someone, which is a nice sentiment.

the person they picked was recommended by my mother, which should've been my first warning sign, bc try as she might my mother does not understand the autistic community. she trusts the professionals which is good bc im not a doctor and they're qualified, i get it; but also i dont fucking trust professionals to understand me because not once did my doctors help me understand when i was diagnosed. i asked to meet her before she came to the school, but my mom insisted she was great so i held back and tried to be hopeful, because even if a lot of my experience with professionals has been negative doesn't mean they're all bad and ignorant

anyways, she was exactly like every other psychologist ever and explained everything in the most basic way ive even seen. she literally sounded like the people who explained my diagnoses to me when i got them at age 11 and those mf's were literally useless. it took me years to actually understand what my disorder meant and i only figured it out by talking to other people with autism and adhd instead of reading shit by professionals and autism moms. the way we are portrayed by psychiatrists is not my experience at all and they often use outdated language and speak in very broad terms and don't bring up any of the things that i find important. i know not everyone with adhd and autism is the same but i genuinely cannot relate to the way they talk about us at all. like, this psychiatrist didn't even mention executive dysfunction and kept talking about how it "isn't an excuse" and fucking everyone agreed.

i feel like almost an anti-vaxxer, claiming i know better than doctors, so i genuinely do try to understand and accept doctors but i just cant fucking stand it. am i wrong for thinking she's wrong? like she has a degree, but she also doesn't seem to understand me and idk if im just a weird outlier even in my neurodivergence or if im right and she doesn't truly understand. like im not a doctor, im just a person who has these disorders but i genuinely feel misrepresented and like all these explanations are for other people to understand that they have to put up with me. i feel infantilised and really fucking bummed. like, i knew she wasn't gonna be perfect bc she isn't actually in the community but the level of generalization and misinformation was so disappointing

i feel fucking crazy. cause who am i to disagree with her when she's the professional, yk?? im no one. they won't listen to me. my classmates can't empathize with me like they do each other, and so many of them think they get it bc they're white teenage boys with adhd that are low support(and im happy for them that they feel good about it!! genuinely! and not saying they aren't valid, but in my experience many of them tend to unknowingly invalidate other people with the disorder who are different than them/have higher support needs) and can't seem to understand that other people have different experiences and struggles with the same disorder. i also live in a very conservative city, and even if the school is more liberal, we are still very high in MUF(the moderate party's youth) and you can tell because everyone i know is either apolitical or conservative, except me and the three leftists. it's a hostile environment, and i feel like im rambling but whatever. i needed to get it off my chest

#nydias post #nydia vents #actually autistic #actually neurodivergent #actually adhd #autistic experiences #autistic community #adhd things #actually audhd #audhd things #ramblings #autistic rant #autistic rambling #adhd rant #adhd rambling

[1eos]

nah i relate to that so much like my older sibling was diagnosed with autism at age 3 but my parents just never tested me??? and at age 19 i was like hey i might be autistic too and they went "oh yeah that makes sense you were kinda weird as a kid." HELLO??? YOU NOTICED AND DIDNT DO ANYTHING???? and their excuse was i was their one "normal" kid who didnt struggle like my older sibling.... i was flabergasted how do you even respond to that

parents when their child's 'oddities' don't hinder their grades:

cuz that's all it boils down to most the times. i was making myself sick doing the procrastination/perfection adhd cycle but bc im an amazing test taker ive never made anything below a c in all of grade school so fuck helping me understand what the fuck is going on socially. like c'mon now.....and i will say i did learn how to manage a lot of things on my own which is a good skill to have but i wish we could find a happy medium of 'getting children professional help so they don't feel isolated and have whatever's going on snowball into other issues bc there's no one willing to understand that their brains are different and need different tools' and 'there are some things people have to figure out on their own and parents/peers can't do the emotional work for us'. cuz i did just have to learn how to advocate for myself as someone who CAN but at the same time someone should've jumped in and helped me when i was so paralyzed by executive dysfunction i couldnt....function LMAO. like surely parents can muster up the sense to provide unique structure for us ~in between~ kids so we don't have to flail around until we figure out what works for us!!!!

#IM ASKING AGAIN WHAT DO PARENTS DO SUCCESSFULLY

[that-cheer-up-anon]

Last week was really good!

Monday I took the day off work and I got to drive my little sister around doing errands, so I got more driving and parking practice and that went well. We also went to an Polynesian grocery store that had a little canteen. It was really fun and cool to wander and see Kiwi and Asian stuff and the food was good too. I now have a bottle of banana juice in my fridge which I still haven't tried yet.

Wednesday I had my second telehealth therapy appointment and I feel so much more productive w this therapist. I have actual homework and discussed stuff about my executive dysfunction directly. I have to monitor and record my day hourly, and then gauge my achievements and enjoyment of those activities. They also gave me some resources for me to read.

My partner and I also went to the library and I got my card renewed. Just went to print stuff out and then tried out a new fast food place and actually dined inside (we usually just get it to go and eat at home) and it was nice.

Also played racket ball w my partner and his dad. It's a twice weekly thing now and it's good for me to have fun exercising.

Friday I got free dinner after work.

Saturday went to the dentist and my teeth are good. Just had a clean. Went to a florist/art shop that has a lot of ceramic/pottery. Got a tiny vase for the flowers I keep picking off at the racket ball gym place, and a cute fish shaped saucer that I'll use for soy sauce.

Started playing Hardcoded demo (and I got sucked into it all day). My partner's dad came over to fix the mower and we also pruned back the trees. I actually had a lot of fun pruning the trees. I had a little breakdown at dinner and we just opted for takeout.

And yesterday I cleaned a lot! My big brother came over and it was really great to just chill and hang out w him. Haven't had a chat in ages and we also did tarot readings for each other, which was fun bc I've never had someone else read for me. Surprised at the stuff he picked up on. Also played Cuphead and we beat 3 levels together.

I also made some lime chicken sandwiches for dinner inspired from one my brother told me about but he left before I made it. Sent him pics of it and he said mine was better~

I hope this week goes well too.

OH AND I'M TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO CROCHET

#Ella life #I'm trying to limit my time on my phone and social media so sorry that I haven't been on much #but also my dash is boring and also full of traumatic stuff bc of the Palestinian genocide and I can't keep doing that to my brain

[hawkshadowwrites]

I would like to pick your brain about your beautiful fic Darling domination. Whatever you wanna say, some snippets, fun facts etc. I would love to hear it.

Ahh!!! Sorry I’m the worst at responding to messages/asks, I’ve got the executive dysfunction of a walnut.

Ummm let’s see. I did a lot of research on the wine for chapter 3; it’s based off of an actual launch Penfolds is doing in China. (Penfolds being the brand that did the event with biblebuild.) they launched a regional specific line in China only and the labels are beautiful.

I’m a big wine drinker myself & live out in a HUGE wine region; it’s one of the places known worldwide in terms of regional wine/growth. I’ve gone to a lot of different wineries and love seeing the artwork and labels and things. Even with how much I love wine I still feel very inept with like, *expensive* wine and tasting notes 😂

Darling domination was partially inspired by “Blood Breath and Bone” by Strats & Bells, (In some ways here and there), and there are a few things in the next few chapters that I’ll be exploring that basically I’ve had brain rot since I read their collab. (Don’t worry I’ve talked to them and got permission 😂).

It was also put into creation by Lin ( @blackwatervial ) who desperately wanted an AU with experienced bdsm Pete showing Vegas the ropes (literally and figuratively.) I’ve talked out much of my plot/outline with her and she’s going to be doing more art for it (specifically something special for chapter 5!!).

I also really wanted to explore a darker side of bdsm in the sense of like, emotions and trauma and how those sorta affect and adapt how vegaspete both relate to sex? it’s not as deep as I’d like to go and have other fics for that but really wanted to highlight in ch 2 both top drop and sub drop. I have a lot of growth for Vegas planned and how he uses kink and domination for his own control and self worth and how that’s tied to his relationship with his father and Kinn and how that relates back to his dynamic with Pete.

There’s also a whole exploration with a bdsm club (& world building for that) that I sorta introduced in ch 3 but will be setting up the bdsm club as a central location in the fic for ch 4; some of which I had written out and outlined for an old fic in mdzs that I never wrote/published.

Identity porn has always been one of my favorite tropes and love exploring it, and haven’t really scene anything for vegaspete so far? Like I’m also feral to write a fic where VP meet in a club and fuck with identity shenanigans (either Vegas doesn’t know who Pete is or they both know and have a secret fuck or whatnot). I’m really excited to sorta build up this tension between Vegaspete before snapping it (as it always happens with identity porn/mistaken identity), and how that works with vegaspete.

I’m not sure if I have anything else to say… as of right now that wouldn’t be a spoiler! I haven’t started ch 4 yet bc I’ve been working on eyes on me ch 11 (which is fighting me tooth and nail) but hopefully will start ch 4 when I’m done with EOM 11!

#asks #my writing

[celiaelise]

Not to be melodramatic, but I'm realizing that I've never related to discussions of writer's/artist's block bc I've never not been blocked, by this feeling that I can't or shouldn't make something.

Like, I think executive dysfunction definitely plays a part, but there's also this deeply ingrained perfectionism that I can trace directly back to my mother, which tells me that I shouldn't bother doing something if I can't do it well. It's funny, because I know those instincts come from her professional training, (she's an architect/project manager) but they were somehow misplaced onto the creativity of a small child.

I'm genuinely envious of people who can just do art or crafts simply because they experience an urge to. I feel like most of those urges have been suppressed so far down inside of me as to be nearly undetectable.

I have an idea, and then immediately the questions come: what are the best materials for this? Where can I get them? How much will they cost? What research do I need to do to supplement any knowledge I may lack? Where is the best place to find that information? Who has done something similar, and how did they do it? Are we sure it's not too similar? Will I really follow through with this project? What will the end result be? What will i do with it, once i have it? Will it even be worth the trouble? What will other people think? What assumptions will they make about me because of it?

And this doesn't manifest as an anxiety spiral. This, like, IS my creative process. I will grant it's not very productive, which is why I never make anything.

idk it's just like the part of me that would chase the urge to create got stamped out so young...

#idk ignore me I'm Despairing.... #my life #my feelings #artist's block #writer's block #perfectionism #guess who may or may not be in the midst of a depressive episode 🙃

[kenobster]

Hey - just wanted to send a note after your last post bc I didn't interact with your Vader mpreg posts and wanted to explain why ,- it's not at all because I find you grotesque or any of those other terrible things!! I love your writing, I'm just in an Obi-Wan whump hyperfixation rn and scroll past anything that doesn't mention him 😭 I'm so sorry, it was never my intention to dig up any bad thoughts!! Sending you hugs ❤️

Hey friendo ❤️ Thanks for the ask and for sharing your feelings with me! I'm super grateful for your reassurance, you are very kind. I also really want you and everyone else to understand that y'all did absolutely nothing wrong. (Radiates huge hug energy for everyone!)

Like, I have scrolled past many a post without interacting with it. Sometimes I've even scrolled past posts that I want to interact with but am simply having a bout of executive dysfunction for whatever reason. There've also been many, many, many times (practically every time honestly) in which I do not reach the end of my dash by the end of the day and countless posts are lost to the whims of time because of it. And yeah, people will try to make us feel guilty for that. People who are hurting will especially try to make us feel guilty for that. There is post after post after post after post on this website demonizing people who don't comment or reblog for "ruining fandom." But those posts aren't being fair. Those posts are just coming from people who are hurting.

The truth is that life just be like this sometimes.

Regarding the other thing you said, I am well aware people follow me for a variety of interests! I know that not everyone shares my interest in horrifying atrocities against trainwreck villains, and that's fabulously okay with me. :) I like having differing dimensions and moods and places to exist. It's good for rainy days like today! And I'm very grateful that my broad spectrum of interests doesn't stop you from enjoying the things I post that you are interested in; that makes me incredibly relieved to hear!!

But yeah, so an interaction with a post about, say, Every Shadow isn't an interaction stolen from Vader's uterus. At least, not in my mind. It's true that I may be having feelings right now that are first affecting my ability to work on tamer/more popular interests -- but that doesn't mean I've forgotten every single wonderful person who has conveyed enjoyment of those interests! To the contrary, those people (you included!) make very happy and will continue to make me happy and have no bearing on my sad feelings in any way whatsoever. I enjoy asks about shadow AU and reblogs of Every Shadow chapters and likes of my dumb hot takes just as much today as I will next week and as I did last year. Yo, yesterday, someone even commented on one of the first Loki fanfics I ever wrote (back in 2014!), and even that gave me pure and utter joy. Believe it or not, there's no possible interaction any single one of you could have with me that could dig up bad thoughts or otherwise hurt me. So please don't ever feel like my sad feelings are reflective of anything anyone did or didn't do. <3

My sad feelings are a Me Problem, not a fandom problem. And sometimes Me Problems are nobody's fault. Sometimes people feel bad or need to take steps to preserve their mental health, and it's only the fault of some stupid brain chemicals trained to cause certain illogical reactions. But I'm gonna be fine, anon, so you keep being you. :)

#huge hug energy or #if you prefer #HHE #lmao #anyway #I uninstalled tumblr from my phone but my work computer is unable to block my dumbass from websites #and i have the self discipline of a gnat #so i saw this during a work break and i was like nuuuuuuuu anon <3333 #and wanted to reassure #also I noticed some other asks and messages and reblogged tags and stuff too! and I read all of them and greatly appreciate them #and I will answer everybody when I don't feel like total ass lol #thank u so much T_T <3 #answer #anon

[cryptturon]

re: the adhd post. i knew a guy who was open about having adhd. thought we were chill cuz we were going through similar shit but he often.. ditched groupworks despite us (mostly other neurodivergents panicking) contacting him directly. and in the rare times he did show up he'd usually go off and do his own thing like. animate over still photos when the specific assignment i gave him was to film animals outside. additionally he'd constantly sleep in class on the bean bags? in front of everyone to see? something about us all being tired but he was taking the luxury of sleeping comfortably the entire. 6-7 hours he was there.

after i left he kept doing the same shit and it makes me think. im doing some of the groupwork sabotage that he was due to a mix of depression and executive dysfunction. but when i start working on it i dont have the balls to blatantly do it wrong for the sake of doing it the way i want !! i try to make whatever im able to do at that point abide by the instructions or criteria.

to an outside perspective this guy and i are basically doing the same thing (which is "nothing"). the reason i took a while to realize he was just ditching was bc he often came off as Quietly Struggling as i was, and the only way im able to tell now that he Often But Probably Not Always feigns incompetence is bc of how.. he shows up to school every day just to sleep the entire time, never responds to messages nor emails, and sometimes even telling him shit directly in his face does not do anything?

it's hard for Everyone to tell and i'm accused of it! we simply have to give grace when we know very little of someone's situation, and to be prepared to catch some extra work as well as some confrontation to get a scope of the issue and how we can adjust accordingly, adhd or not. it's normal to feel disdain for someone who can't produce results as well as they initially promised / didnt protest against, but keep the complaints private, between friends at most—if things stay as bad as they were even after direct communication, realize how people were simply not meant to work the way we do right now. sometimes it's out of our hands when someone is incapable or unwilling to work, and regardless of which it is, we have to admit it's unfair and just work a lil more ourselves to get to our goals. cry about injustice but learn to live through it in any way you can

[rebellum]

Paralysis is weird bc like. I went through a period, it hasn't happened in months I think now, but I started getting paralysis from extreme executive dysfunction and it was so weird. Especially because it's not like it was constant, nor could I just turn it on, so it's not like I could go to a doctor while it was happening and be like "hey confirm for me that this is executive dysfunction related?" Even though I was 99% sure it was.

But it was so weird bc when I told my therapist about it, her first response was to basically just tell me "okay but you're not really paralyzed, just move when it happens" and it's like... okay.... but... I can't? That's why I used the word paralysis? Because I was so frozen I literally once started to piss myself because I literally Couldn't Move most of my body from anxiety???

Eventually I just learned to work on acceptance of it and to try to not get mad at myself because that may be making it worse since it's anxiety induced. So now when it happens I just try to calm down and accept that it's gonna be a day like that today and that I need to rest and, when I'm able to, try to re-plan what I'm doing.

But its so bizarre because the only thing I've read about that's similar to it at all is catatonia in schizophrenic people. Which I could totally see it being related, because my brain is Fucky and I'm on the psychotic spectrum (but don't have schizophrenia), but I can't even tell if my body would stay in that position if someone moved my limbs for me because it would never occur to me in the moment to (if I could still move my upper body/arns) text/call my parents and ask them to do that for me.

I did though recently learn about adhd paralysis, so while it's up in the air whether or not I have adhd, I did learn that there's a word for when I'm "stuck" in my brain (rather than body paralysis).

[diary-of-an-entity]

Diary Entry #1

"It'll get better one day."

You know everyone always talks about how 'you need to go out and do things' and 'you can't just do the bare minimum all the time' because it keeps you stagnant or whatever but the past two years since I chose not to go to college and chose to just do a lame easy job that barely keeps me afloat- ive never been happier and more focused then I am right now.

Like the past two years I've mentally been able to pinpoint main events where I've slowly gotten back to myself. The way I've been wanting to for years.

I got feelings and empathy back (there were a few years I thought i had a dissociative disorder bc i had such low empathy for others esp animals, and yet six months away from home I remember holding a puppy and crying everytime I thought of it. Now I cry when I see a small mushroom cause I feel things so strongly again)

I started taking care of my health (about 1-1.5 year out I finally made doctors appointments for myself. Got glasses that I've needed for years. I started brushing my teeth everyday like I'm supposed to and i bought shampoo better for my hair and my friend taught me about using cleanser and moisturizer)

And finally two days ago my executive dysfunction fucking dissapeared??? I mean *for now* like im sure itll come back sometime but less hopefully instead of everyday! (I woke up and it was just like that feeling where you're up too late and you suddenly have all the motivation to clean the house and do everything you need to do except it was a brand new day?? And the feeling stayed?? I was able to get my car fixed and I got a gym membership and I actually WENT this morning!! And I did work at work instead of messing around and honestly I feel like I can actually call my insurance company to handle the issue I've been procrastinating the past 2 years and i think I want to call the college and take two classes in the spring maybe???)

So anyways, what I mean to say is that I told everyone around me that I was taking time for myself two years ago. And the adults around me seemed sort of disappointed because I wasn't starting college and they kept saying stuff like 'if you don't go now you never will' which is so dumb. But my sister and my friends supported me and I feel like that time I gave myself finally paid off cause I feel so good. Genuinely good. Go to the gym and college and go out dancing with friends good. And it's the first time I've felt this good since middle school.

So you know, I guess this is the 'it'll get better' I was telling myself when I decided to put my life on hold instead of rushing into a life where I knew I was going to crash. I'm very grateful I put myself on hold.

Thank you, Past Me!!!!!

#executive dysfunction #depression #diary entry #entity diary #health

[yaminerua]

Idk just rambling about my brain

Man I don’t think I have adhd but I do think my dad does because he fits SO MANY hallmarks of the inattentive subtype. He doesn’t want to bother getting a proper confirmation of that being the case but like the CPN who visits to assist my brother more or less said he agrees that adhd is very likely in him given everything he’s come to understand about my dad over the last several years of knowing him.

But he did also sort of just generally sit and point at all of us and say he thought we were all autistic on like the second time he ever met us so lol I don’t know

it does make me wonder though if there’s SOMETHING going on with me too. My brother is definitely autistic since he received that diagnosis back in school, and though it’s not confirmed, dad matches so many check marks for adhd that it is reasonably likely for him to have it but whenever I look up one or the other to try to see if I see myself in them I don’t feel as though I fully relate enough to one or the other to think I really have it.

Like yeah there are a handful of things I do relate strongly to but idk if they can just be written off as coming from a different source. There’s a lot of trauma and depression and anxiety in general swirling around in my head so it would be easy to put some of those things down to those instead.

so I generally just assume I don’t fit into autism or adhd. But it’s fairly present in the family so I can’t help but wonder.

Autism is definitely in the family on my dad’s side for sure. His cousin and all three of her children have it as well as her brother and I know one of his children has it too.

I found out a while back that my uncle had been told he was on the spectrum too and I wouldn’t be surprised if my other uncle was as well bc they’re both very similar in the same ways, though that’s just speculation. But there’s definitely multiple confirmed instances of it so idk. It makes me curious about whether there’s a chance I’m somewhere on the spectrum too bc as I mentioned before there are some things here and there which I relate strongly to but none of it is strong enough overall to be like oh yeah that sums me up you know? Like maybe some lesser traits but not so much the bigger ones.

I do think I have some kind of dyscalculia for almost certain though, given my well-documented struggles with maths, and other shit like reading clock faces. And the cousins I mentioned earlier all have confirmed dyscalculia. So that’s there. And apparently it can be present alongside adhd from what I read a while back. But again I don’t relate strongly enough to think I really have that.

Executive dysfunction is the biggest thing that does match up. God knows I’ve spent so much of my adult life trying to get myself to do what needs done to maintain the upkeep of even just my own bedroom and even with the best intentions of keeping it up I could never do it. I’d sit for months screaming internally at myself to fucking tidy up and ultimately the best thing that worked to make it happen was knowing I had friends coming up to stay and then I’d suddenly erupt into a hurricane of productive tidying, kicked into action by an immediately approaching deadline. and to an extent I relate to people’s descriptions of what rejection sensitive dysphoria feels like. but at the same time I wouldn’t say I had a particularly hard time in school wrt studying and working, or other things people generally look for. It was the being bullied that I struggled more with then.

anyway idk. There’s something about my brain that is definitely… idk… SOMETHING. It has real observable effects on my life and relationships and everything but I just dunno what exactly it is.

#Personal rambling #there’s some kinda neurodiverse bullshit going on in my brain I just dunno what it is #idk if I’m just second guessing myself out of recognising myself in the things I look up or if I really just don’t fit #it’s more just the presence of it elsewhere in my family that makes me wonder