#yes i am being kind of judgy about this and i blame the part of me that's still kinda bitter and resentful over my childhood on it

[meanderfall]

truly my family did such a piss poor job raising me that i literally credit music, tv shows, movies, and books, for actually teaching me anything

#also ngl i think it might've been for the better #im actually kind of glad i shut off the rest of my family as being Not Good and tried to find better things #on the other hand it also could've gone REALLY badly depending on what i watched and internalized lmfao #it's been buckwild lads ive listened to so many conversations of family members growing and healing and stuff #and im happy for them ofc #but im also sitting here like. yeah i knew this family was dysfunctional at best if not straight up toxic. #at the age of like. 5 #and been trying to Not Be a Part of It since i was in my teens #yes i am being kind of judgy about this and i blame the part of me that's still kinda bitter and resentful over my childhood on it #these thoughts brought to you by me listening to the songs that were my crutches as a kid

[purplesurveys]

1740

When was the last time you’ve gone shopping with a friend?  June – Reena and I went crazy at the Chatuchak market. By the end of the night I literally had street food on one hand and shopping bags on the other hand/lining up my wrist haha.

It sounds reckless saying it like that, but I never ever devote that much energy and money to shopping to begin with; so for that one night I allowed myself to have fun and get at least one thing for each loved one.

If you’re not already, when do you plan on getting married?  I honestly don't plan on it anymore. I don't mind being on my own for the rest of my life.

Do you like your nose?  I've been told that it's cute but I personally don't have strong feelings towards it, and I don't get why Filipinos are so passionately judgy about flat and sharp noses either.

Are you one of those people who listen to songs on repeat?  Not usually! Only time I do so these days is when a BTS member comes out with a new song, and I've never disliked anything any one of them has put out so these songs just naturally end up as repeat-worthy for me.

Is there an accent you prefer?  Not really.

Would you date the lead singer of a band?  No. That's essentially like being in a long-distance relationship, which I've never had and subsequently wouldn't know how to handle.

Do/did you have to wear a uniform to your high school?  From kinder to high school, yes. That's why college felt so liberating the second I stepped into my university haha. I was wearing shorts by my first week.

Have you ever visited a sex shop?  I have.

How many cousins do you have? What are their names?  Only counting first cousins, 12. The list of cousins would technically never end, especially if you're Filipino.

Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal?  Kind of. I was in a mini safari once and this big bird that was freely walking around suddenly went for me when they saw me using my camera. My stance/form may have looked threatening so I fully blame myself here, but anyway I just tried to stay as calm as possible when they started pecking all over my feet until a guide noticed us and led the bird away.

Have you ever had sex in a kitchen?  Never went beyond making out.

Which part of your state/province do you live in?  The westernmost part, already bordering Metro Manila.

Who in your life can you count on the most?  My mom and sister.

Have you ever wanted to be the opposite gender?  I guess, when I had been an annoying teenager who thought girly things were annoying.

What’s a fictional being you would like to be? Like a vampire, an elf, etc.  Idk, maybe vampire. It'd be cool to be a Cullen just so I can also live in a nice big house and so that all I have to do is repeat high school over and over again lol.

Do you like frogs?  Well, not particularly. I don't dislike them, but you can say I'm scared of them. We have a lot of them in our neighborhood and we've even had a couple actually make it inside our home a few times.

What’s the creepiest thing someone has ever done to you?  So I was at a party with some friends, and it was like 3 AM when we decided to get out of the bar and get some air. To describe the setup, the bar we stayed at was part of a bigger complex of just bars and clubs, so at that point – 3 AM – everyone was naturally super drunk, vomiting all over the place, staggering, etc. We were just walking when all of a sudden this clearly intoxicated dude just started going for me with a super rapey look in his eyes and it was the single most unsettling thing I've ever experienced. I have never pulled away from a gaze and walked away quicker in my whole life.

Does being scared or nervous make you need to poop?  IT REALLY DOES. Holy shit this is my least favorite thing to go through at work. LOL I always feel like taking a shit moments before I enter a call or present a deck, even though I've been doing the same routine for three years already. I never get used to it.

Does it bother you when dogs lick you?  It has never bothered me and I don't think it ever will.

Have you ever lost a nail completely for any reason? What happened?  Yeah, my toenails. I used to play competitive table tennis in high school and my toes always took a beating from the games.

Have you ever had any experience with alcoholism?  Not me but I have seen it happen to a few family members which is a big reason why my childhood years are a part of my life that I do not look back fondly and proudly on. I hated the idea of alcohol and I judged everyone who drank for years because of all the trauma, until I got to try it for myself – it was then that I realized that those relatives were just stupidly unable to handle their alcohol.

How often do you see family members that you don’t live with?  It depends on who. My grandma and some of my cousins live in the village next to ours so we see each other, like, every Sunday lol; but I have family who live in other provinces or other countries altogether that I see much more infrequently.

What color eyes do your pet(s) have?  Black.

If you could have a car in any color, which color would you choose?  I have a white car now and have no other preference.

Do you plan to vote in the next election?  Yes.

Have you ever used anything unusual to masturbate with before? If so, what?  Nope.

Who is the last person that saw you naked?  I think it was just my ex.

Are you more likely to give a hickey to someone else or get one?  It can go either way tbh.

What is something you want but can’t afford to buy?  A condo unit.

Do you usually eat wheat bread or white bread, or are you gluten-free?  White.

What type of church do you like the most, if any?  I'm not interested in churches at all, not even the architectural aspect of it. Even if I found myself in a place known for their churches, like Italy or Spain, I will skip out on the churches. Just reminds me too much of religion.

Was anyone rude to you today?  No.

Do you think you would be happier if you had more money?  Yes.

What is something currently on your wishlist from Etsy?  I've never been on Etsy.

Have you or have you ever considered messing around with the same sex? I did.

What is your opinion on same sex marriage?  I support it, always have.

What are your opinions on stretched ears? Would you ever do it? Do you like it on other people?  I think they look horrendous but people can do what they want to their own bodies. It’s none of my business. < Same.

Your ex, do they still like you?  No.

Think back to your last relationship. Was it worth it? No, they turned out to be correct in that it should have ended 2-3 years earlier than it did. I was just too stubborn and idealistic to see past all the ugly parts of it.

Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?  Yeah. I probably wouldn't be too thrilled about it LOL but I mean alcohol is easy to ignore at the end of the day.

Have you pretended to like someone?  No...never been stuck in that situation.

Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?  It did not.

Who did you last see in person?  My mom.

What is the last thing you said out loud? "You're fine with your ear like that?" to Cooper – he was sleeping with one ear dunked in his water bowl hahaha.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?  Yes. I usually prefer to be transparent, but if I need to be more reserved then I can do that as well.

Have you ever regretted kissing someone?  Uh, not really, no.

Have you ever been to New York?  Nope.

What is one thing you will never do again?  Hike.

What happened the last time you cried?  I was watching the Chris Candido episode of Dark Side of the Ring. I knew about his death, but I just never knew how his was all too similar to Eddie Guerrero's – harbored a drug addiction, decided to clean up, and having your life cut short just as you get your act together. Shitty situation altogether.

Also fuck Sunny.

What would your parents be surprised to learn about you?  I used to do voice memos in the few months following my breakup, which was my way of letting all my thoughts and anguish and sadness out. I had no money for a therapist and I didn't want to bother anybody whenever I cried – and this was in 2020 when the world froze – so I would just turn the mic on and let myself process my emotions out loud to my phone. I never listened to them and it was strictly a way for me to just have a venue to talk and talk and talk.

What fictional character do you have the biggest crush on?  Patch from the Hush, Hush series hahahah. Also Han Jipyeong from Start-Up :(

What one thing would you be most disappointed if you never got to experience it?  Going to Wrestlemania 50. That's a childhood dream and a literal once-in-a-lifetime experience, so I would be very devastated if things didn't work out for me.

What’s the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?  Give a considerable portion to my parents, and to also beg them not to tell anyone.

If earth could only have one condiment for the rest of time, what would you pick to keep around?  MAYONNAISE.

What is your weirdest dealbreaker?  Not adventurous with food. Pickiness is fine, but if they like eating the same, like, 10 things and/or find street food gross then that's a gigantic pet peeve.

What was your favorite TV show as a kid?  Spongebob.

What is the weirdest thing you find attractive in a person?  Body hair, I guess? Not excessive though.

What is the scariest experience you have ever had?  Driving through Manila with 2% cellphone battery. NEVER AGAIN.

Would you give up one of your fingers if it meant you’d have free wifi wherever you go, for the rest of your life?  This survey sounds like it was made in like 2010 when free wifi was actually a dream for us hahaha. Anyway, no I would not give up a finger – data is so easy to purchase these days lol.

[worldserasingandcreatinginmymind]

Unfaithful | Part Three

Series Summary: After dreaming of your perfect wedding since you were a little girl the big day is almost here. But after meeting the priest you start to question your relationship.

Pairing: Hot Priest x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2828

Warnings: abusive behaviour, a lot of angsty stuff, drunken behaviour and a pinch of fluff

A/N: Please be warned there will be some themes of toxic/abusive relationship in this series. Also, spelling and grammar is not my strongest skill so please be kind :)

Part Two | Masterlist

- - - - -

I sit alone on the bench outside the church, looking out at the empty graveyard in front of me. 

The miserable grey clouds above part and bright sunlight beams down to earth, shining on the Priest who is now walking up the path toward me. The light seems to be following him and as he moves closer I realise he’s dressed in a magnificent purple and gold gown. 

“Why are you wearing that?” I ask

“This is what I’m going to wear when I marry you” 

“Wow, I love it! Not sure Daniel will-”

“Who’s Daniel?” He asks and I laugh, but his serious face tells me he’s not joking.

“Daniel? My fiancé, the man I’m getting married to…”

“What are you talking about? You're marrying me remember?” He sits on the bench next to me, taking my hand and showing me the engagement ring on my finger, a ring I’ve never seen before.

“I- I don't understand. We’re engaged?”

“Are you feeling okay? Yes, we’re engaged and in a few weeks we’ll be husband and wife!” He holds my face gently in his hands and looks deeply into my eyes “I love you Y/N!”

He leans in and kisses me passionately.

— — — — 

My eyes shoot open and I realise I’m in bed. It was just a dream. Why do I feel slightly disappointed? 

Every night since that night at the church the Priest has been in my dreams, and every night the theme has been the same; the Priest and I are in love. 

I shake the thought out of my mind and roll over, reaching over to hug my real life fiancé but my arm falls straight down on the mattress. He isn’t there. 

I sit up and reach over to grab my phone off the bedside table. 9:30am! I must have needed that lie in. I roll out of bed, wrap my dressing gown around myself and head down stairs to the kitchen. I need coffee. 

Walking into the kitchen I find Daniel sat at the table waiting for me. 

“Morning!” I greet him cheerfully as I fill up the kettle “coffee?”

“No thanks.” He responds dismissively, changing the subject. “The other day, when I came home from the pub and you stormed out… where did you go?"

“I just went for a walk” I answer honestly

“Where?” 

“I don't know, I just wondered around for a bit and found a bench to sit on” 

“Alone?” 

“Yeah” I lie

“So you sat on a bench in the dark and drank all alone” He places an empty silver and green can on the table and looks at me accusingly, waiting for a response. 

“You went through my bag?” I silently curse myself for not throwing the can away yet.

“I was looking for something”

“What?”

“IT DOESN’T MATTER!” He slams his hand down on the can, crushing it against the table “You met him didn’t you? Father whatever his name is. I saw the same can of G&T in his office”

“Okay fine, yes I saw him. I didn’t plan to. I just went to the church to think. I thought it was empty but he was there and we talked for a bit”

“And drank”

“I was upset so he offered me a drink.”

“And then you lied to me about it” he says, getting up and slowly walking over to me.

“Because I knew you’d overreact!” I respond, poring the boiling water into my cup and stirring the coffee.

“Oh I’m overreacting am I? Tell me, how am I supposed to react when another man flirts with my fiancé in front of my face?”

“He hasn’t flirted with me Daniel, he’s our priest! He’s just trying to get to know us, but you won’t let him!” 

“I don’t want to get to know that creep!” 

“You know what? I can’t be bothered with this right now” I roll my eyes before saying three words I would instantly regret “You're being pathetic” 

I can almost see the red mist in Daniel’s eyes as he grabs my coffee cup and throws the boiling hot contents straight in my face. I suppress a scream as I wipe the coffee from my eyes, the liquid burning my skin. I run upstairs as fast as I can and lock myself in the bathroom, immediately  splashing cold water over myself. I soak a flannel in water and hold it over my face for a few minutes, trying to cool my burning skin. Daniel starts banging on the door, begging me to open up so he can apologise. When he starts to mention his dad I shut out the sound of his voice, choosing to ignore his excuses. I’ve heard them all before. 

When my skin finally starts to feel a little less on fire I remove the flannel and examine my blotchy red face in the mirror. A few small blisters have already started to form on my cheek and down the side of my neck. I bring my hand up to gently touch them, and hiss with pain as eyes instantly fill with tears. I cover my face with the flannel again and sit on the floor, leaning with my back against the door as Daniel continues to talk on the other side. I stay like that for however long it takes for him to finally leave me alone. Once I’m sure he’s gone I go silently to the bedroom, quickly get dressed and go downstairs. As I’m putting my shoes on Daniel comes running to me.

“Where are you going?” 

“To the hospital”

“No no, please- please don’t go. I’m sorry!” He panics.

“I need something to fix this” I argue, gesturing to the blisters and peeling skin.

“I can fix it!”

“Not this time” I walk out the house, slamming the door behind me. I hear it open again and I turn back to glare at Daniel as he’s about to step out. “Leave me alone!” I warn him before walking off, surprised that he actually obeys me for once. I hail a passing taxi and climb in the back. 

“A&E please” I say and he looks at me through the rear view mirror, his eyes widen as he sees the state I’m in but he doesn’t say anything. He just silently drives me where I need to go. 

— — — — 

“And how did this happen?” 

“I was carrying a cup of coffee when I slipped and fell, throwing the whole lot over myself.” I lie as convincingly as possible as the doctor examines my skin “I can be such a clutz sometimes”

I let out a small awkward laugh which the doctor ignores.

“Hm. Well you're lucky, there’s no permanent damage. It will be painful for a few days but it will heal. I’ll prescribe you some cream which will soothe it but in the mean time go home and take it easy. No more ‘accidents’ okay?” 

I can tell by her voice she doesn’t quite believe my story. 

“Thank you doctor” I say, taking the tube of cream off her and walking outside.

As I stand waiting for another taxi I realise, I’m not ready to face going home yet. There’s only one person I really want to see right now. 

— — — — 

Once again I find myself stood outside the big wooden doors of the church, suddenly doubting whether or not I should be here. I know I want to be here but I also know that if Daniel found out it would create yet another drama. I’m so trapped in my own moral dilemma that I don’t hear the footsteps approach behind me. 

“Y/N?”

I spin around to see the Priest walking toward me. His face goes from confusion, to horror as he sees my skin.

“Holy shit! What happened to your face?”

“I don't really wanna talk about it right now”

“Thats okay, you don't have to tell me anything” he smiles a gently smile and my heart flutters.

“I know it’s the middle of the day and you're my priest but… I don't suppose you have any more gin?”

“You’re in luck” his smile turns into a grin as he lifts up the bag in his hand and I hear the sound of cans clattering inside it.

— — — — 

A couple of hours and a few too many drinks later, the Priest and I are ever so slightly drunk and currently laughing about… well I don't actually know what. Everything just seems hilarious after a few cans of G&T. 

“You know, I think I’ve laughed more with you in the past week than I have in the past year with Daniel” I say, as he hands me another can “Maybe if you’d have been the Priest here when I was a teenager I wouldn’t have stopped coming. Teenage Y/N would have loved you. The old Priest just seemed so… judgy. I couldn’t think of anything worse than telling him my sins” 

“Hey that’s reminds me, you’ve never confessed to me! We should it now” 

“Oh no no no, absolutely not”

“Come on! It’ll be fun”

“Fun for you maybe, not for me! You just want to find out all my secrets”

“Of course I do, that’s why I do this job. That and so I can wear the outfits”

“You’re terrible” I laugh, shaking my head at him

“I know! That’s why you can tell me anything and I won’t judge you. I’ve probably done much worse” 

I get an idea. 

“Okay fine. I’ll confess to you. But you have to confess to me in return” 

“That’s not how this works”

“It is now! I’ll tell you my sins and you tell me yours”

“I’m a Priest, I don't sin”

“You're drunk in a church in the middle of the afternoon, pretty sure you're sinning right now”

“Good point” he thinks for a moment before getting up out his chair “okay, deal. Lets do this” 

I follow him out into the main church toward the confession box. He pulls open the curtain and gestures for me to enter. I do and he closes the curtain behind me before getting into the next box. I can just about see him through the holes in the wall. 

“You go first” I say quickly.

“Okay, um… I drink alcohol in my office on a regular basis”

“That’s a boring one!” I wine

“We’ll get to the good stuff eventually. Your turn”

“Fine. When I was 8 I stole a pencil topper from a bitchy girl in school because I liked it and I didn’t think she deserved it”

“A pencil topper? You criminal!” He laughs 

“It was shaped like Mickey Mouse!”

“How are you not in jail yet” he says sarcastically and I can hear the amusement in his voice “My turn. Sometimes when I hear Pam calling for me I hide in here and lie to her about where I am”

“I don't blame you, that woman scares me” 

“Right?! She’s terrifying!” 

We both burst into laughter, and as it dies down I realise it’s my turn again. I take a deep breath and speak again. 

“I lied to my Daniel about being with you the other night because I knew he’d get angry.” 

Without thinking my hand comes up to gently touch the burns on my face as my mind takes me back to the incident this morning. I snap out of it and turn to look at the wall. For a brief second I catch the Priest looking through the hole at me, but he turns to face the front. 

“I broke my vow of celibacy last year”

“I’ve been having inappropriate dreams about another man while laying in the same bed as my fiancé” 

“I’m in love with you” 

“What?” I say, trying to see him through the holes in the wall but he doesn’t look at me. He just stares down at the floor.

“I’m-” he pauses “I love you”

He finally looks up at me, the sudden eye contact almost takes my breath away. I don't know what to say, I’m completely lost for words. The intensity of his dark brown eyes is too much and I’m forced to look away, looking down as I fiddle nervously with the sleeves of my shirt. 

“Y/N?” 

I quickly get up and walk out of the booth, but he stays put. I stand for a moment looking at the curtain, wondering if he’s going to come out. When he doesn’t I realise its up to me to make a choice. 

I could tell the Priest how I feel about him. I could admit that I’ve imagined what it would be like to kiss him, to hold him, to wake up next to him.

Or I could leave right now and pretend none of this happened, go back home to Daniel. The man I’m engaged to marry. The man who I’ve loved since school. The man who, just this morning, threw boiling hot coffee in my face. 

I make a decision. 

I open the curtain to see the priest still sat on the tiny bench, and he looks up at me with wide eyes. He watches as I squeeze into the booth with him, placing my hands on either side of his face. He stands up slowly so our faces are inches apart and slowly moves in. 

“I love you too”

He looks into my eyes one last time before I close the gap, our lips crashing together. I keep expecting to wake up any second now, for this to just be another cruel emotionally confusing dream. 

But this is real. 

I’m kissing a priest. 

Part Four

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines

#fleabag #hot priest #fleabag hot priest #fleabag priest #Andrew scott #Andrew Scott priest #hot priest x reader #hot priest imagine #Andrew Scott x reader #Andrew scott imagine #Andrew Scott fanfic #fleabag fanfic #hot priest fanfic #phoebe waller bridge

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

The leg burn story

So some people wanted to know about the leg burn story.

Before we get into this, you guys should know that I was a working scientist at the time that this story takes place. I was in biotech. I knew perfectly well how skin works. I’d taken multiple classes on how skin works. I’d worked with skin-derived cell lines in the lab. No part of this story can be blamed on ignorance.

Another thing about me is that I get very cold hands and feet, and I HATE being cold. I hate it so much, so my bedtime routine, ten months out of the year, involved taking a simple hot water bottle, ignoring the ’water should not exceed 70C’ warning, filling it with boiling water straight from the kettle, putting it directly between my feet and trying to sleep. So on this particular day I take my old, thinning rubber water bottle, remind myself for the tenth time that maybe I should replace it soon, fill it and go to bed, and, very unusually for me, manage to go directly to sleep.

So when I’m dreaming like ‘my leg really hurts, that’s weird’, and then wake up to find it actually does hurt, I have no idea how long my trouser leg has been completely soaked in very hot water. I’m not the most alert riser, so it takes a bit of time to respond, but eventually I’m like ‘I should probably do something about this’ and go run it under cold water.

I maintain that nothing I’ve done up to this point is stupid. Burns are the risk I take for warm feet and they are WORTH IT. This is all perfectly reasonable risk-taking in the name of comfort and I stand by my decisions.

It’s everything that happens after this point that is stupid.

So I’m looking at this burn that’s taking up about half of my shin. The skin had lifted off rather than forming a blister, which is unfortunate, because I, as previously mentioned, am a biologist, and immediately think ‘infection risk’ when I see compromised skin of any kind, and this is a LOT of compromised skin. A few things occur to me.

- I do not know the temperature or exposure time of this burn.

- I do not have the medical training or experience to assess the severity of this burn.

- There are bits of trouser fibres embedded in my leg now, which is gross, and not great,infection-wise.

- I can’t see any exposed muscle or anything, so you know what? This is probably fine. I can treat this and go back to sleep.

Now, I live fifteen minutes’ walk from a hospital, the hospital attached to the very university I go to every day, and this burn hasn’t compromised my ability to walk. I live in a country with a medicare system, and could go to the hospital and get this burn assessed and treated for free, by professionals.

I do not do this, because I have, inexplicably, forgotten that hospitals exist. But if I remembered, I probably wouldn’t have bothered them with something so simple anyway.

Twenty minutes’ walk in the other direction is a chemist. A place to buy burn creams and antiseptics and appropriate wound dressings and so forth. I must also have forgotten that chemists exist, because when I find nothing usable in my tiny personal first aid kit, my immediate thought is not ‘I should wait for the chemist to open’, it’s ‘oh, there’s stuff in the kitchen I can use’.

So I clean the wound as thoroughly as I can with water, hen prepare to sterilise it properly. I do not own any medical antiseptic creams, so I, a professional biologist who knows how skin works, looking at a burn the size of my hand whose severity I cannot assess, grab the household cleaning disinfectant, dilute it to about one-tenth the strength I’d use for cleaning, and sterilise the wound. This is fine, I think. This makes logical sense, and isn’t an incredibly stupid thing to do.

I don’t have any proper non-stick burn dressings, and certainly none of appropriate size, so I grab what I do have -- cling wrap from the kitchen. Now, cling wrap is a perfectly good thing to guard a wound with if you genuinely don’t have access to a proper sterile wound dressing. But if you can get one of those from a nearby hospital, you probably should. Something I have still forgotten about as I pull out the cling film, briefly assess whether its lack of sterility is a problem and decide, to be safe (to be safe??), that I should disinfect this, too. So I use more household disinfectant to do this.

And then I put this disinfectant-covered plastic over my open wound.

And tape it down.

Finally, I think to myself. Now I can put dry sheets on my bed and go to sleep. It just sucks that I can’t use a hot water bottle until this burn heals. I hate having cold feet.

The next day, my housemate’s mother, who works in aged care and has dealt with plenty of burns in her time, is visiting. She notices my limp, and the red swelling above my ankle. “Are you alright?” she asks.

“I’m fine,” I say, because I burn myself all the time and this one isn’t really a big deal. I’m fairly sure this burn is superficial at this point, so if I just let it heal, it will be fine.

“You’re limping,” she says.

“It’s just a small burn,” I shrug.

She asks if she can see the burn. I see no reason why not. She looks at the flesh under the disinfected cling wrap, the red and swollen skin around it, and up at me. “What did you do?” she asks.

I explain about the hot water, but this is not what she wants to know. I’ll take you to the hospital,” she says.

At this point I remember that hospitals exist. But there seems no point in troubling a doctor over something I’ve already dealt with, so I shrug it off. “It’s fine,” I say.

She purses her lips in that judgy Mum way that mums have whenever you do something clever and improvisational that will certainly save trouble in the end. She indicated the red skin around the wound. “This is infected. You need antibiotics.”

“Oh, no,” I say. “I’m pretty sure that’s just irritation.”

“Why,” she asks, “would there be this much irritation?”

“Because some of the disinfectant probably got in there?”

She looks at me. Looks at the wound. I can see her not wanting to ask, not wanting to know, but she has to. “What did you disinfect the wound with?”

Hope in my generation and the future of humanity slowly drains out of her eyes as I explain the treatment procedure that had seemed to make so much sense in the middle of the night. She stares at me for a bit, then gets up and leaves the house.

When she returns ten minutes later with burn treatment supplies, I remember that oh yeah, chemists exist. She patches it up properly, having done this many times for old people who can blame things like dementia for their bad decisions, and circles the swollen area on my leg with a marker. “If the redness spreads out further than this line, it’s an infection, and you need to go to hospital,” she says.

“Okay, but I’m sure it’s fine,” I say. “It’s just a burn, it’ll heal quickly.”

“You’re supposed to go to hospital for any burn larger than a fifty cent piece,” she tells me.

“That can’t be right!” I say. “I burn myself all the time! If I did that I’d never be out of the hospital!”

The look she gives me informs me that this is not in fact the genius rebuttal I think it is.

Anyway, the wound wasn’t infected and the burn must have been superficial because it healed without so much as a scar. Which feels unfair, in a way. I feel like the universe should have punished me at least a little for my hubris.

And yes, I still use hot water bottles in the same way.

#story time

[antigoneidk]

Since you guys wanted it here it is:)

Leave|t.h. part2

part 1

Five days. The worst days of your life. Your mental health was bad. Everything was black to you. Your point of view changed.You had mental breakdowns at least 2 times a day and even though your friends tried to cheer you up,they couldn't.

You didn't eat,drink. You were all day in a bed crying at the situation you were into. You couldn't even walk. Well you tried a couple of times but you weren't strong enough.

You wanted him. You needed him.

Memories from your fight came up again to your mind and you couldn't help but cry again. This was exhausting and you were sick of this.

You basically broke up with him. You couldn't stand his attitude the last couple of months. He was never there for you and even if he was, he always distanced himself.

But here you are. Crying over him,regretting your decision and blaming yourself for this.

How could you do that to him? He said he wasn't himself. He needed you and you left him alone. You ran away from it.

"Running away from your problems isn't going to solve them" that was exactly what you said to him. And that's what you were doing right now.

"Y/N are you okay honey?" your friend came to your room sitting next to you.

"Well I woke up five minutes ago and I just started crying"you said wiping your tears away.

"That's better than yesterday. You started to cry 3 minutes after. See in a couple of days it'll be even more" she laughed and gave you a bid hug trying to change your mood. You laughed a little too.

"How about this? You come down eat the pancakes I've mad, which I know you like,and then see an old romantic movie. Huh? The others will be here soon"she suggested and you looked at her with denial. You just wanted to stay alone.

"No it's fine I'll stay here"you said

"No I don't think it is. You haven't left this room for 5 days and the only thing you do is cry. You don't even eat at this point. Yes break ups suck but you have to face the facts and move on. I can't look at you being like this. You don't deserve this"she said and hugged you again. You felt her hands squeeze around your waist as you left the breath you were holding for a little. She wiped your tears and left you there.

She was right. You shouldn't be like this. You have to move on and look for the best in life. Find happiness and joy.

You left the bed you were for this past couple of days. You tried to manage the powers you got and make it to the kitchen.

The smell of the pancakes and the other foods she made came to your nose making your stomach scream. You almost lost balance at some point but you grabbed the door trying not to fall.

"Oh my you need help?"your friend came to you scared.

"No no! I got this"you smiled and made it to one of the chairs near the table.

"What do you want to eat?" Your stomach complained to you after her question,like it was just another human being sitting next to you.

"Well as you heard we want a little bit of everything"the both of you laughed as your friend served you a huge breakfast,just like you needed it.

Your 4 girlfriends were sitting on the sofa watching "Mystic Pizza" one of your favourite romantic comedies. You found similarities in all of these characters. But after all your favourite was Kat.

"Hey Y/N are you okay baby?" one of your friends asked you and placed her hand over your shoulders bringing you close to her.

"I'm trying you know. I'll be fine in a couple of months I'm sure"

"Months? Bro what do you mean? You are going to be like this for months? I am not letting you no no! This is the moment where you are forgetting about this asshole and you move on! Now!" the blonde girl of your group screamed at you making weird faces and movements that made all of you laugh.

"It's just hard you know? I love him with everything I have. But lately he changed. He came home late sometimes drunk. He even pushed me from his anger at some point.

And I wanted to tell him what was going on and try to fix it together as a couple. Is what couples do right? But he never listens.

The night I left him he came to me saying that he was lost and not himself. But it was late. I cried so much that night I won't ever forget it."you said to your friends. Your eyes "sweating".

"Why you guys broke up? I mean I get why but what caused it?"the girl next to you asked getting judgy faces from the others.

"He left me from his friends. No that I have something with them they are family but I wanted to spend the night with him cuddling and all that jazz. You know that our schedules were fucked up and this was the only chance so I lied to them saying that he wasn't with me and suddenly he got mad and left. Am I wrong now?"you questioned yourself again.

This was stupid.

"You were right I think. If you tried to talk and he just didn't listen you have nothing to worry about. He is a dickhead trust me. These boys ain't shit."

"But they love each other though. I know he loves you from a fact and I know you love him too. You are right but if he came to you after saying that he wants another start I suggest you to think about it. You guys are endgame"

"No! He didn't treat her right. If he wanted to he could have seen his mistakes and try to fix them earlier. She said it's late now for her. And if she thinks that way she better get over him now!"

"I can't believe you! You don't want her happiness? She is happy with him. He wants to fix this. He said it. So I think you should give him a second chance. He knows Y/N that he wasn't being the best boyfriend and he regret this. But he didn't want you to see that that's why he was with his friends. He wanted an advice. He wanted help"

"Who do you know? You think you know everything?"

"He called me"

At that point you got up between your 2 friends who were arguing. They wanted you to be happy but their help wasn't useful like this.

"What do you mean he called you? You guys are friends. Okay see Y/N this is ridiculous!"

"Okay guys I appreciate your help but you are not helping. Please I can't have you guys fight over my problems."you said quietly tired from the tension in this room.

"When did he called you?"you repeated the question staring at your best friend.

"Welk he didn't actually call me.After you got to my place and after you fell asleep your phone started ringing and I picked it up and he was him.

You have to believe me when I say that he loves you Y/N. He's just a little lost. He needs your help. Only yours."she grabbed your hands.

"Please giv-"

The sound of the door bell stopped her. She headed towards the door. The person behind it was the one you hoped you wouldn't see these days. You were a mess.

"Tom. Hey" she greeted him and let him step inside.

"Hey girls" he said looking only at you. You immediately looked at your friend next to you avoiding nothing but his eyes.

"What are you doing here? You want something to eat? I've made pancakes If you want"

"No I came here to talk to Y/N only. If we can speak for ten minutes and then I'll leave. Once and for all" you looked at him when he called your name. Your thoughts a chaos.

"Only if she wants to"your friends defended you.

You nobbed your head at them saying that you were going to be quick. After your friends left you alone with him you sat down at the couch looking at your feet without knowing what to say.

He sat next to you. Your heart started to beat faster than usual. This wasn't a good sign.

"I missed you. I missed your face,your touch,your heartbeat,your breath,your smell,your lips,your body next to mine. I missed all of you Y/N.

I know I was an asshole. I admit it. I am for not telling you before. It's just hard for me to express to you this kind of problems. I thought that you might leave me cause of this. But the opposite happened. You left me because I didn't told you. I know.

You have to believe me baby. I want to try again. I love you Y/N. I can't lose you like this. Even though I deserve this. Can I have a second chance?" He grabbed your cold hands into his warm ones. He gave them little kisses making you realize how much you missed him actually.

"You broke my heart Tom. You really did. I was there for you and I told you that you could say everything to me. Nothing was going to change the way I felt about you. You knew it but even then you didn't say anything. How can I be sure that you are going to change that huh? People don't change easily."you confessed your fear to him. Seeing your man like that grew the sadness inside you.

His eyes were red and he had dark circles under. It was the first time looking at him like this. His hands trembling at your words. He was weak.

"My sweet baby. I..I want to help me. I need you in my life. We have been together for years. Let me show you that I can change to a person you deserve to be with. I love you so much"his hands were now on your cheeks shaking.

Damn his touch.

He kissed you gently on your lips sending electricity to your veins. You let out tears from your eyes as you kissed him back

You were a roller coaster now. Fear,love,sadness,happiness. You felt everything.

You wanted to tell him to fuck off. Leave you alone to try explore and find someone better than him. That could treat you right and fight with you.

But you also wanted to give him a chance to prove you wrong. That he was the one you were looking for. The boy you needed and needed you. The boy you fell in love with. The boy that wanted to change for you. The boy you loved and wanted.

You both smiled at your kiss. You hugged him squeezing your hands around him don't wanting to let go. Crying from the pain you got for almost a week.

"I swear I'd die for your love baby."he said looking at you with joy. You smiled through pain and looked down.

How did you do this to him? You shouldn't have left him that night. You had to be with him then and try to get through it. Was it late now?

"Baby look at me! It's not late! Let me make up for the time we lost"he placed his forehead to yours looking deep to your eyes and soul. He knew you well.

"Let's make up for this together"you said and kissed his lips again.

You had made the right decision. You wanted it to be the right decision. You had love for him. His was your everlasting love.

_________________

HERES THE HAPPY ENDING YOU WANTED YOYOYO

let me guys now your thoughts😂

How would you react to something like this?

{Gifs not mine}

#tomholland #tomhollandx #tomholland?reader #tom holland imagines #tom holland imagine #tom holland x #tom holland fluff #tom holland x you #tom holland x reader #tom holland x y/n #tom #holland #far from home #avengers #homecoming #tom holland

[the-end-of-the-storm]

GoT 8x01: the wait is over and winter is definitely here - beware the spoilers below -

I just want to say beforehand that I woke up at 2.30 am to watch the new episode - so if this makes no sense at all, well ... let’s blame it on my sleep-deprived brain.

• Don’t know if we already knew this but they actually played the same song from the pilot when D*ny and Jon arrived and it made me a bit melancholic. It’s been a ride.

• The way Missandei eyes the Northerners watching her with distrust had me feel for her. However, watching it for the second time, it gave me another vibe too. As she was a slave, she knows exactly what it means to serve and obey someone you don’t want. So, if Missandei ends up urging D*ny at some point to leave the North be and just rule the other six kingdoms, well, I wouldn’t be surprised.

• Did you notice how happy D*ny was when her dragons intimidated the Northerners? It‘s been a while since I’ve seen her this happy:

This shot is Immediately followed by what has become her signature smug smirk that I dislike so much. Ships aside, a Queen worthy of the title shouldn’t have this kind of reaction to her children imposing fear on her newest subjects who she knows do already not like her all that much. This is like the dragon pit all over again, you know, when she was late to the meeting she demanded, and rode in on a dragon like she already owns the place, when it would have been so much smarter to be a little respectful and humble.

• The Jon and Bran reunion was nice; I suppose as nice at it can get with 3-eyed-Bran. Also, if Jon ever starts looking at D*ny like this, I‘ll start reevaluating him being part of the pack but not a heartbeat before:

• They made Sansa look THIS good for a reason. A sight for sore eyes, isn‘t it Jon?

(And yeah, this is her watching Jonny Boy.)

(And so is this.)

(Now, she’s too busy hugging her man. A smile on her lips and CLOSED eyes ... hmm. Do you see how her hands aren’t even attached to each other yet? Alright, let’s move on, shall we?)

• Lyanna Mormont is the Noorf in a nutshell and I’m here for her angry little girl attitude:

•Sansa isn’t here for chit chat with the saviour and whenever I think I couldn’t stan my girl more, I do. But I’m a bit afraid too, Sansa hates her new Queen amd D*ny KNOWS. 🔥

• Ok, I watched the meeting with the lords very carefully and I made some observations that I just want to throw in here for good measure: 1) D*ny is the last one to sit down at the Lord‘s table and it means things. 2) When poor little Lord Umber (who fucking deserved better!!) adressed Sansa an then Jon, we have them both in the frame, and no one else. However, when he adresses D*ny, we have her literally standing alone by the fireplace. 3) we have Jon and Sansa alone in a frame on 3 separate occasions, while we have only one shoot of Jon and the supposed love of his life alone (unless you count the one with D*ny and Jon‘s crotch ... then, well good for you, I guess). 4) Jon’s “It was the honor of my life.” fucked me the fuck up. You know, I was really afraid after the leaks that although I whole-heartily believe in Pol!Jon I would be miffed at him before it was officially revealed but I was soo wrong. This whole episode I felt so sad for Jon. He’s been through so much and willing to sacrifice everything he ever wanted to keep his people as safe as he can ... he deserves so much better than to be with the woman who took the honor of his life away from him without giving a single fuck about it. And yes, I did notice how Sansa glared at D*ny during this. Jon “I had a choice: keep the crown or protect the Noorf. I chose the Noorf.” I rest my case. 5) “If anyone survives the war to come, we’ll have Jon Snow to thank.” Right in front of D*ny; Tyrion, you brave, brave fool. 6) I think the leaks said, that neither Sansa nor D*ny said anything and I was very happy to find out that that wasn’t true. This is a very long scene, and D*ny only delivered us this little gem: Sansa: “What do dragons eat anyway?” (Which is a damn reasonable enquiry.) “D*ny: “Whatever they want.” 🔥 Maybe I’m overreacting things but this felt like a threat. Seriously, the Dark D*ny Force was strong in this one. They really went there ... wow. I mean it‘s not as if the food question wasn‘t legit. Also this whole the dragons *only* ate 17 goats and 11 of some-other-animal today is proof to me that the food thing is going to be huge. (Also, at first, I thought D*ny was worried that they eat too much when it was the other way around. LOL.)

• Tyrion: “Lady of Winterfell: has a nice ring to it.” Sansa: “So does Hand of the Queen; depends on the queen I suppose.” She really isn’t messing around, is she?

Also Sansa, same scene: “I used to think you are the cleverest man alive.” accompanied by her little judgy smile. She sure knows how to break a man’s heart.

• I’m crossing my fingers for D*ny to suggest to reactivate the Sansa/Tyrion marriage. Let’s be honest, Tyrion would be all for it in a heartbeat. She’s smarter, prettier and old enough that he wouldn’t feel like a creep anymore and now she actually is the Lady of Winterfell. He wanted her before - he must be drooling for her now.

• I was absolutely not disappointed with the Jon/Arya reunion. I thought - considering the circumstances - it was really cute and worthy.

• Arya: “She’s the smartest person I’ve ever met.” Stark sister feels. *-*

• Jon‘s „I'm her family, too.“ killed me a little bit inside. Man, my Jon feels are killing me right know. How can anyone see this and still claim that Jon will abandon his pack to become a Targaryen?

• When Sansa is the Queen of Shade, Cercei is the Queen of Smirk. I wonder if there’s anyway for Cercei to get out of this alive.

• Back to the food thing: it‘s been two years since S7, so thanks for the reminder that the Lannister army in the Field of Fire was people too, and were burned up like Sunday roast. 🔥

• I can’t believe that Yara is absolutely not pissed that D*ny couldn’t give less craps about her being abducted by Euron. even though without her Dany couldn’t have crossed the Narrow Sea.

• Alys Karstark, I see you and your red hair and your complete random appearance that served no plot purpose. Yet.

• Davos “What if the Seven Kingdoms (...) were ruled by a just woman and an honorable man.” I see what you did there, D&D. Also, if you guys are contemplating a J/D marriage, could you please have the decency and do it in front of Sansa? I need that. Thanks x

• If D&D wanted be to stop believing in Pol!Jon they shouldn’t have him happy-riding a dragon and kissing D*ny seconds after having her low-key threatening his sister. It’s just not believable that if this romance was real and between equals that he wouldn’t make it clear that she can’t threaten his family. Dany: “She doesn’t need to be my friend but I am her queen. If she can’t respect me ...” Jon: *then perish*

• Ok, but seriously D*ny, why would you give the guy you’ve just met and whose family and people despise you access to the the very things that gave you all your power? Why would you suggest dragon riding like it means nothing? Hop on, Jonny Boy. Just no. I have soo many questions. Why would you be so careless? (Arrogance, that’s why.)

• JON DOESN’T SAY “WE COULD STAY HERE FOR A THOUSAND YEARS.” But Pol!Jon replies with “We’d be pretty old.” giving no indication that that would be an enticing thought. No, he’d rather go back and fight some wights. Jon has a family he cares about and I don’t think she can relate at all.

•Rheagal is a creeper. Seriously, did you see the full on of him during the J/D snagging. Get a life, Rhaegal!

• I LOVED the Tent 2.0 Scene. Get my son some air. Also, while Jon talks serious stuff, Sansa’s like “No, she’s much prettier (than the Mad King).” with the same gaze she had when Littlefinger told her that a marriage alliance between J/D would make sense. I think it was the same weird voice too, but I’m not 100% sure right now. Jon really does reply nothing after Sansa questioning his motives for bending the knee and it tells me all I need to know.

• On this note, I want to repeat that I really need someone suggest a J/D marriage to Sansa.

• Sam finding out about his father and especially his brother broke my heart. It was everything I wanted and knew his reaction to be. And it was much worse to watch unfold than the leaks made it out to be. Especially since the scene started out really cute with Sam all nervous to be talking to them and cute about his book-stealing past and then he even tries to stay reasonable after hearing about his father but then he learns about his brother ... and it’s just too fucking much. Look at his face. I never ever cry during shows or movies but if I hadn't been prepared beforehand, I probably would have.

• Bran needs to stop staring at people in the courtyard. Just sayin’.

• Jon and Sam in the crypts. My poor babies. I don’t really want to say anything about their talk at this point because I believe in Jon and his agenda and if he needs to be detached to deal with keeping up the facade, then my man needs to do what he needs to do. However, I will be watching his next interaction with Sansa very closely. OK, to be honest, since I already had read the leaks before the episode, I was a little distracted during the parentage reveal and I couldn’t help but imagine Jon thinking “Well, this explains a fucking lot.”

• Last but not least: JAIME IS IN WINTERFELL!!!

My favorite moments:

- The Tarly Reveal

- Jon x Arya Reunion

- all Jonsa scenes

- Sansa and Tyrion on the battlements

On my threatened-to-be-burned watchlist:

🔥 Sansa Stark

🔥 Lyanna Mormont

🔥 Lord Varys

🔥 Samwell Tarly

🔥 Gendry Waters / Baratheon

🔥 JAIME LANNISTER (I have a hard time imagining Jaime to keep his mouth shut when he realizes that D*ny doesn’t just fry up soldiers in battle but that it’s her favorite method of conducting justice. There is too much history and PTSD between them, they’re like a time bomb; you can’t put them under one roof without at least threatening to set it off.)

All in all, this was such a good episode and I’m thrilled to see what’s to come. I’m so happy that Jon is still all I hoped for him to be inside and that Jonsa is still on track. I was even a little surprised at how they portrayed D*ny in this episode, because D&D aren’t even trying anymore, are they? I might be a little biased but I think if you’re not a full on stan there wasn’t much to root for her in this one. Anyways, everything within the episode fitted neatly with our Pol!Jon, Dark!D*ny and Jonsa theories and I couldn’t be happier about it.

Cheers xxx

#got spoilers #jonsa #jon snow #Sansa Stark #dark!dany #anti-daenerys #Jon x Sansa #season 8 spoilers

[seriouslyblacklikemysoul]

I like me better with you - Sirius Black x Reader

Requested by @claireisreallynotonfire : a sirius x reader where sirius is kind of like james where he is constantly asking the reader to go out with him, calling her darling love and babe, and just in general pining after her but she always says no bc he’s notorious for sleeping around and one day he gets so jealous bc she’s hanging around another guy and he just walks up to her and says he’s done being a manwhore bc he’s in love and fluff ensues. and if your cool with it being all from sirius pov that’s great thx love Hi, love! Well, it’s not exactly from his pov but it does focus on him.  Warnings:My English, swearing(?) Gifs aren’t mine/ Credits to their original owners. Masterlist

“Why are you following me?” she finally asked him. “People told me to follow my dreams” he answered nonchalantly. She wanted to facepalm. He was being honest but the girl never knew. It was strange for him. To be obsessed with one girl. He was a lady’s man-never said no to anyone. This time-this time it was different. He blamed it on the fact that she was the only one to deny his charms. Lily didn’t count. She was the real deal. “Come on, love! Go out on an ate with me. I’ll give the d later” he remarked. Her eyebrows shot up to the skies. Oh, Great, Fuck. I messed it up again. She just walked away without even looking at him. He thought he had lost the chance. Little did he know that she was drunk on him. She had this huge crush on him since forever-but he was the infamous Sirius Black. He slept with a different girl every other night. She didn’t want to be one of many. So, she kept everything hidden. “One day, babe! One day!” He exclaimed after her. James laughed. Well, he was no better. “You-both of you- are pathetic” Remus stated while he was trying to balance a book mid- air and write down notes simultaneously. Of course, it didn’t work out. The book fell down and landed on the grass, messing up his notes, spilling the ink all over them and leaving a frustrated Remus to clean up. His friends eyed him curiously. “I don’t know about him, but I am not pathetic” Sirius said mockingly. Remus rolled his eyes. James placed a hand over his heart pretending to be insulted by his friend as he plopped beside Remus. “You are exactly like James. Drooling over Y/N. She is your Lily. Admit it Pads!” Remus commented rather amused. The famous player was now fawning over one girl. “She is lovely” Peter said in a haze and Sirius clenched his jaw. Hey, wait. Why is that bothering me? Nah, she is just one more girl. “Roses are red, violets are blue, lava is hot and so are you” he sang-said to her. She shot her head and tried to hide her blush. “Violets are purple, so, technically, shod off” she stated with a grin plaster on her face. She really liked him. But no. The other three Marauders were smiling knowingly. Their friend was smitten. He was so dense to his own feelings. It was so obvious to everyone but them, that they were both in love with each other. “Go out with me and I will” he asked her for the 54th time that week. And it hit him. He was acting like James. It frightened him, but for some reason, his heart was pounding in his chest with excitement. “Thank you, no, thank you” she replied and returned to the conversation that was held by her friends. “Come on!” he tried again. He was very persistent. She snapped her head towards him. “What? Not enough girls in the school?” she questioned while she was glaring at him. “They don’t mean anything” he said casually but regretted it deeply. She was frowning. That was exactly what she wanted to avoid. To be his next meaningless one night stand. She liked her heart whole. No, it wasn’t that. She just didn’t want to be broken by him. “Great. Ask me again when you’re done being the basic bitch” she said furiously. He was a bit hurt. It was late. Everybody was asleep. Well, almost. Sirius Black was staring at the ceiling. For a good two hours. He was consumed with thoughts. Was he treating girls that bad? He didn’t do it on purpose. He really thought that things could work out and one of the at least, last longer. Like-a relationship. But they never did. And he was never that sad. But he didn’t think about their feelings. Were they really that hurt? Oh, and her face. Her face was stuck in his mind. Those big, judgy, pure eyes. “This isn’t the same, is it?” he heard James asking him. He sat up on his bed with his back on the headboard and his head lowered. James knew. “I don’t know, Prongs” he answered sincerely. He didn’t know how to feel. He couldn’t understand his own damn feelings. “She is your Lily” James simply stated. The truth was, James had never seen his best friend so caught up. So hooked and confused. Sirius Black had fallen in love. He was awful at handling it, though. He would say the wrong thing, the wrong time. Sirius groaned in annoyance. “What do I do?” he asked… no one in particular. “Talk to her. You know, without being an ass” Remus responded. His friends had woken him up. He felt a bit sorry for Sirius. He hadn’t felt like this before, so naturally, he wasn’t handling things very well. “But she hates me” he whispered. He didn’t really believe that but he knew that she didn’t particularly like him either. At least, that was what he thought. “You haven’t seen the way she looks at you when you are not looking. It’s the same way you look at her when she is not looking” James said confidently. He knew that, like Lily, she was afraid to reveal her emotions. And he got it. As did Sirius. “Whatever. Go to sleep”. Sirius hadn’t planned to do anything. He wouldn’t have acted the way he did. If only that Prewett wasn’t flirting with her. He was fuming, trying to hide it. After a while, he wasn’t even mad. He was jealous. But let’s take it from the start. He hadn’t forgotten about the last nights’ talk, or rather how he got lectured by his friends. He, however, had pushed it aside. It was a nice, warm day. He was in a good mood. When he walked into the Great Hall he was starving as he was a ‘growing boy’ as he had put it. He went to sit next to the girl who was driving him crazy but that seat was already taken. By Fabian Prewett. And that git was flirting with her. The worst part was that she flirted back and laughed and looked… happy. Not annoyed or confused or about to throw something at his head. He knew his friends were about to say something, and that’s why he sat down, away from the ‘lovebirds’, but close enough to eavesdrop. He knew it was low, but he couldn’t help it. “Padfoot, what are you doing?” Remus reprimanded him. He wanted to answer but he heard her laughter. She was laughing. Even though that sound was his favorite, he hated that he wasn’t the one causing it. He clenched his jaw-he wouldn’t do anything stupid. His temper-let’s be honest here… it was jealousy-took a toll on him. He stood up abruptly, not really thinking about the possible consequences, and walked towards her. “Could you, please, stop that?” he asked with a sour expression. He wouldn’t admit it to ANYONE but it hurt him. Deeply. So, that’s how it feels. Being hurt by the one you want to make happy. It sucks. “Stop what?” she asked genuinely bewildered. Why couldn’t she just see it? “Flirting with her” he spat at Fabian even though it wasn’t him who had previously talked. “Is it bothering you?” Fabian asked him teasingly.  Fabian knew about his not-so-little crush on the girl beside him. As he knew about hers as well. “Yes! It is! VERY MUCH” he exclaimed before he could’ve stopped his mouth. She was shocked. Fabian was smirking, whispering a ‘my job here is done’ as he returned his attention to the plate in front of him. The Marauders were a bit taken aback but smiling. Lily was too. But she knew. “What?” she softly questioned, not believing any of it. “I am in love with you” he whispered-yelled at her, gaining the attention of the entire school. Even McGonagall was looking. “I have been in love with you for a while now. I know you probably don’t feel the same- and you shouldn’t, really. I am aware of my… reputation. And you were right. I never thought about the other person’s feelings but I didn’t do it on purpose. But I am done. Please, just go out with me. Once. I promise I’ll make it good”. He confessed. He didn’t know where that kind of strength had come from-he didn’t really care. He felt good after saying what he wanted to. “Aren’t you the persistent one?” she playfully asked him after she had made up her mind. His heart dropped and he lowered his head. She didn’t feel the same.  It’s cool. I just have to regain my composure. Before he knew it, she had gotten up and slammed her lips to his. He had dreamt of this moment soo many times. Each time, felt so good but the reality was-sublime. Everything about her. His hands wrapped her waist and pulled her closer-so close, that you wouldn’t find an inch separating them, even if you searched. Her hands flew to his neck, slightly tugging his long, dark locks. His lips felt like hell to her. Her lips felt like heaven to him. They were so caught up in the moment- Merlin, they both wanted to do that for a while now- that James had to place his hand on his shoulder. He stepped back, a bit annoyed and breathless. Great. I forgot to breathe. The things this girl is doing to me. “Yes, I will go out with you” she said giggling. He became weak at the knees and reached for her hand. He reached for her hand. He wasn’t the same person. He was different. And it felt good. “So, Lily… go out with me?” James asked with a smirk on his face.

#harry potter imagine #sirius black imagine #sirius black #sirius black fanfiction #ben barnes as sirius #sirius black x reader #sirius black fluff #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter #the marauders #marauders imagine #marauders era #marauders fanfiction #james potter #lily evans #remus lupin #young sirius x reader #young sirius black

[crankyjoness]

Made of Gold

Available on AO3. / Send me prompts!

Hope this lil thing will help you go through the rest of this (long) hiatus! It’s based on the Tyrus scenes from 3x07, but from TJ’s POV and with a little transition :)

It was starting to become a habit. Every good thing that happened to him, he found a way to ruin it. You could think he did it on purpose but the truth was, it was probably just karma. The universe making him pay for all the bad things he did in his life. Telling him that no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he said, no matter who forgave him and who helped him, he would always be that same classic TJ: mean, scary, the worst captain the school basketball team had ever had.

However, TJ held onto a small amount of hope. Hope to have the opportunity to explain himself, to tell the truth. He owed Cyrus the truth. He owed him an apology. He owed him so much more… But Cyrus was avoiding him, and his two mothers Buffy and Andi weren’t exactly helping.

But who said he couldn’t at least try to get to him?

It had been days since TJ had been wandering aimlessly around the playground. He remembered those swings being a spot Cyrus enjoyed staying at in order to think or to sort his own stuff out. Considering what happened last Saturday, it appeared to him as the only place he could possibly be. Why did Reed have to bring a freaking gun? TJ hadn’t talked to him since—and he didn’t want to. If he hadn’t brought that gun… No. He couldn’t blame Reed for not following Cyrus when he left. He should have—he knew it. But his friends… At that moment, all he could think about was how they were going to react if he just decided to leave. And because of that, he was now left with no one at all. No Reed. No Lester. No Cyrus. No one.

It had been days. Yet, there was no sign of Cyrus. It was as if he knew exactly where he’d be and when he’d be here and purposely avoided those places.

But today, he was there.

The air stayed stuck in TJ’s lungs as his eyes watched the boy’s back. He was sat on the left swing, throwing his legs up and down slowly. The sight brought him back to a few months ago, back when they didn’t know each other—back when he didn’t know how much this simple event would change his life, would change him as a person. He didn’t know… And now, looking back, TJ thought it would’ve been easier if he did know. If he just knew and understood right away, instead of slowly and painfully realising how deep and hard he had fallen in love for Cyrus Goodman.

“Is that swing taken?” His voice came out a lot lower than he had expected; this was how much Cyrus’ mere presence affected him and his actions.

The boy looked up and his eyes immediately met TJ’s, as if it was exactly where they were meant to be. But in those eyes, TJ could see the fear—and a small drop of what looked like incomprehension or incredulity. “How’d you know I’d be here?” He asked, holding harder onto the chains of his swing.

“I’ve been stopping by,” TJ admitted, “to see if I could catch you without your bodyguards.”

“I’m not supposed to hang out with you,” Cyrus said, looking down and far into the distance. Then, he started to get up. “I should go.”

His hand lifted before his brain could process it but TJ had the reflex to stop it before it could touch the other boy. “No, stay! I’ll go.” And he would. But not until he had apologised to him, not until he at least tried to get him to listen. “Can I at least say I’m sorry first?”

Cyrus just shrugged, avoiding his gaze. He looked like he didn’t want to hear any word from him. Yet, TJ started talking again.

“I didn’t know Reed was gonna bring a gun. I wouldn’t have gone, and I definitely wouldn’t have brought you.” Of course he wouldn’t have brought him. Trying to get Cyrus out of his comfort zone by doing more ‘dangerous’ things was one thing; throwing him in any kind of really dangerous situation like that one was another.

The declaration made the brunet look up at TJ. His mouth was closed and his eyes were blinking, as if showing he was waiting for him to keep going. And so he did.

“Now, you hate me.” Saying it out loud hurt a lot more than expected and TJ tried to swallow it away. “Classic TJ: anything good, I gotta ruin it.”

And then, he just walked away. Cyrus didn’t want to talk, anyway.

However, the boy’s voice called out his name, making him turn around. “You said you were gonna apologise,” he continued.

“I just did,” TJ said, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Actually, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did; I said I’m…” TJ stopped his sentence, trying to remember what he had said a second ago. When he couldn’t find the words ‘I’m sorry’ in them, he hummed. “You’re right. Well, sorry for not saying sorry.” He turned back, ready to leave the boy alone just like he said he would earlier.

“So…” Cyrus’ voice stopped him in his tracks once again. “You apologised for not apologising. But you still haven’t apologised.”

“You can be a little annoying, you know that?” TJ retorted, stepping toward the boy.

“Well,” Cyrus started, getting up and stepping forwards as well, “you can be oblivious.”

“Well, you can be very judgy.”

“Well, you can be intimidating.”

“You know what else you are?” The question blurted out of his mouth before he could contain it.

“What?” Cyrus asked. His voice made him seem like he expected an insult.

And, out of all the answers TJ could’ve given him that were spinning in his mind—amazing, cute, perfect, the love of my life—he just said: “The only person I can talk to like this.”

His green eyes were lost in the brown colour of Cyrus’. If they could talk, TJ thought they would currently be yelling his feelings out. He just… He just liked him so much. There was no existing word that had enough power to describe how much he liked him—how much he loved him.

The brunet closed his eyes for a second and, when he opened them back again, they were filled with a gleam of happiness and his straight lips parted into a big smile. Thinking he was the one who caused this happiness made TJ’s heart melt. Cyrus’ mere person made his heart melt. He made his insides feel weird—but a good kind of weird. Being around him felt like wrapping up in a warm blanket when it was freezing cold outside. It felt like jumping in bed after a long school day. Except TJ felt like that every single second he spent by Cyrus’ sides.

“Okay if I stay?” TJ asked, smiling softly.

Cyrus shrugged, never breaking eye contact or pulling away that beautiful smile of his. He then turned around and sat back down on the left swing, soon followed by his friend who sat on the other one.

For a few seconds, both boys stayed silent, the only sound reaching their ears being the soft breeze. The oldest was unable to tear his gaze off the youngest, who was looking down at his laps.

“You know, I really am sorry,” TJ said, eventually.

Cyrus raised his head, his eyes meeting the other boy’s immediately. He looked puzzled, but soon enough his lips twitched into a beautiful smile. “I know. I forgive you.”

“But there’s this thing that’s bugging me a little,” he admitted. Though he was genuinely happy that Cyrus forgave him and didn’t mind staying friends, there was still one tiny problem. “Will Buffy and Andi forgive me as well?”

The brunet’s smile faded a little bit, and TJ believed his heart just broke inside his rib cage. “I don’t know, TJ,” he said. “I wish I could tell you they will, but I really don’t know. They’re… protective. A lot.”

“I figured that out,” TJ nervously laughed, swinging without his feet leaving the ground.

“But even if they don’t forgive you,” he continued, “it doesn’t matter.”

“But… won’t they make you stay away from me?” The boy bit his lip, worried. He couldn’t handle staying away from Cyrus once again. Those past few days were more than enough.

“Maybe. I honestly don’t know.” TJ nodded, looking down at his shoes. “But I won’t let them.”

He abruptly looked up, hopeful. “You won’t?”

“I won’t,” Cyrus confirmed, determined. “I love them and I get that they love me, but I can’t let them control my life anymore. I am the one who gets to choose who I want to hang out with. And I really wanna hang out with you.”

The words stayed stuck in TJ’s throat and no sound managed to exit his mouth. He couldn’t tell whether he wanted to cry because Cyrus really wanted to hang out with him or to hug him because he finally chose to stand up for himself.

“You alright?” Cyrus’ voice brought him back to reality.

“Uh, yeah, yeah. I just…” Quick, find something. “I’m glad.”

“For what?” He laughed.

“For everything you’ve done for me,” TJ blurted out before he could stop himself. His cheeks suddenly became hot and he was sure they were bright red. “Uh, I mean…” Yes, TJ, what do you mean? He was so stupid.

Luckily—TJ guessed—, a group of screaming kids entering the playground took Cyrus’ attention away from him. He turned his head to notice a few of them were running toward the swings.

“Can we have the swings?” One of them asked.

Cyrus looked at TJ exactly when TJ looked at him, which made the youngest laugh softly. “Of course,” he said.

They both got up and left the playground. TJ’s heart was beating really fast, he was afraid the other boy could hear it. They were walking close to each other, their hands brushing every now and then. They were so close yet so far. None of them talked, and TJ felt like he should be the one to say something. But what could he say after the ending of their last conversation? Maybe Cyrus was thinking about it right now. Maybe he was telling himself he found TJ weird. Maybe he now didn’t want to hang out with him anymore, because he was so weird and so stupid.

However, Cyrus was the one who broke the silence.

“Wanna sit down on those rocks over there?” He asked.

TJ raised his head to look at where the boy was pointing and he just nodded.

“Is there something wrong? You’re very silent,” Cyrus worried as they sat down on some rocks, just above a small waterfall. That was actually a bit weird because there was a bench just behind them, but TJ liked it here. The thing was, he could be in a shark’s stomach and he would still like it, as long as he was with Cyrus.

“No, don’t worry, I’m fine,” he answered, looking at him. “Sorry, I was just… daydreaming, I guess.”

“Penny for your thoughts?” The brunet offered. “Well, I don’t have any money right now, but I’m a good listener so actually you should be the one paying me.”

TJ laughed, slightly shaking his head. “It’s nothing important.”

“You can tell me,” Cyrus smiled. “Everything is important.”

He gulped hardly. Cyrus was the best, and he really wished he could tell him how much he was glad to have him in his life. But it was not exactly the kind of thing you said to a friend. He didn’t want to scare him away, once again. “I was thinking…” TJ started, still trying to find something to say. “I was thinking about how there is a bench behind us, yet we’re still siting on those rocks.” A huffed laugh escaped his lips.

“I know, that’s weird.”

“No. Well, yes, it’s a bit weird, but I like it here. The sound of the waterfall is pretty peaceful.” Being with Cyrus was pretty peaceful.

“It is,” he said.

Cyrus turned his head to look at the water falling, and TJ did the same. He sighed, subtly. He loved this. He loved everything about that moment. Even though Cyrus most likely just wanted to be friends with him, he was okay with it. As long as they were together, he was okay with everything.

“Do you know what happened to Reed?” Cyrus asked, taking TJ by surprise. He didn’t think he would still mention what had happened but, in the end, he was glad he did. The boy deserved to know every single detail.

“He has to do a hundred hours of community service,” he answered. “And the police are investigating his dad.”

“For what?”

TJ turned to face the boy. “Negligent storage of a firearm.”

Cyrus blinked in shock. “Whoa.”

“Seriously,” TJ mumbled, shaking his head several times. He could not believe it either when his parents told him about it.

“I just want you to know it wasn’t… me, who told the police about the gun,” Cyrus said, his eyes filled with apprehension. “I would’ve but they already knew.”

“Yeah.” There was a hint of a smile on TJ’s lips. He knew it wasn’t him. “I told them,” he admitted. Cyrus’ eyes widened, and so did his smile. His pretty, pretty smile. “Surprise! I did the right thing!”

The brunet laughed softly, almost silently, and TJ couldn’t help the big smile from appearing on his face. That one smile he wore only around Cyrus.

Eventually, the boy looked away, seemingly lost in his thoughts, yet his smile never left his lips.

Whereas TJ just couldn’t bring himself to stop staring at him. Under the bright sun, he looked like he was made of gold.

And, in fact, maybe he was.

#tyrus #tyrus fanfic #andi mack #swing scene 2.0 #andi mack fanfic

[deathlygristly]

Why do people insist so hard that it’s bad to want comments on your work?

It’s just, like, I can tell a huge difference between how I’ve felt the last few years of getting hardly any feedback, and now in the last couple of months getting feedback again. Getting feedback is much much better than throwing your soul out into a silent uncaring void.

When I watch what people say about it, it seems like a lot of people see feedback as some sort of external reward system. Kind of like money, I guess? Yeah, that makes sense.

Like, in their minds, money is a number that you get that determines your worth as a person, and it’s normal to want to accumulate more of it in order to feel that you have more worth than other people, and it’s a motivation for doing things. And then they kind of see wanting feedback the same way, like oh, you must be doing this thing in order to accumulate a number of comments that you think will show that you are of more worth than other people? 

I don’t know if that’s exactly what I mean. I think there’s another part to it too. Like...like the accumulation of money is seen as an isolated ego thing, like you’re collecting it for yourself and it’s about your idea of your worth as a person and it’s all very individualist, and they see feedback that way too, as a one way thing, as a “Yes, give me comments that I will add to my bank of comments here in my closed up isolated ego castle with a drawn up drawbridge and huge ass moat, and this is all about me and my worth and my rewards and my ego.”

Although I don’t know how well that theory holds together considering that these people insist so hard that people shouldn’t want to stack up comments in their ego bank while mostly being okay with capitalism and with the idea of people stacking up money in their ego bank. Unless of course it’s that the great majority of the writing shared for free online is written by women, and so they get yelled at that they shouldn’t want comments for, well, all the reasons why women get yelled at for wanting anything.

I think what I’m trying to say is that the people who come down so hard and judgy on people who admit to wanting feedback and validation seem to think in terms of the feedback going one way, like they see the person who admits to wanting feedback as this giant nose in the center of a ring of readers, snorting up comments as a way to get high and leaving the commenters drained and empty. Like they see it as a very selfish thing.

It’s never really been like that for me. 

I don’t see comments as an external reward for my work. I see them as connecting me to other people and giving my work meaning through that connection. If I am a giant nose in the center of a ring, then to me comments are the other noses in the other rings around me talking to me and letting me know that I’m not alone, and that we’re all in these nose rings together, and that it means something to them that I’m there and that I exist, and that I’m not utterly alone in this nosiverse.

And I totally get that I’ve been building moats and walls around myself in the Sims community, as a result of the trauma. I know that especially at the worst of it, other people couldn’t have gotten through to me even if they wanted to. I know that my actions have contributed to the lack of feedback. But I don’t blame myself too very hard for that. because I think isolating yourself and being extremely cautious around other people and not trusting anyone is a rational response to a community that allows an obsessive stalker to anonymously post their hateful rants about everything you do in public for years and that blames you for some random internet stranger latching on to you as their target and that joins in with the hate.

Geez. I should have left the community years ago.

Anyway. Now I’m getting feedback again, and I can look at the difference it makes, and I can say with some amount of sureness that for me it’s not about an external reward to soothe my ego. It’s about feeling human. It’s about feeling okay and acceptable and valued and like maybe it’s okay that I exist and like maybe what I create has worth and meaning, and like maybe I matter.

The reward for my work is the work. The reward is that feeling of being in the zone, when time disappears and it’s just me and the pictures and the words and the rhythm. If I believed in a god, and the god I believed in had a face, I would say that writing is like seeing the face of god. 

Hearing what other people think about what I write after I write it isn’t a reward for having written. It’s about feeling connected. To other people, to reality, to meaning, to love. 

And yeah, you can tell me that humans are fickle and that I should not trust in them for anything. But believe me, after the Bad Times I don’t need strangers on the internet to tell me that. I learned it. I learned it good and hard when everyone I thought I could depend on agreed with the hate and abandoned me. 

Also I know that it can be innocent too, that people can be good and kind and dependable but still not have the time or energy to give you feedback. I often lack the time and energy to give other people feedback, so I know that and I understand it.

But still, my feelings are what they are, and I still feel much much better and happier and more human when I get responses to my work than when I throw it out there and get nothing in return, and I don’t think I’ll ever be convinced that it’s pathological to want to know that people enjoyed what you created and to feel connected to your community.

[milsotherapy]

I felt like I needed more space than the ask box, so here I am. I don’t know exactly how long this will be.

I’m feeling very, very judged right now. 

This story involves my boyfriend, C, my ex, J, and my best friend, N. Obviously me too, but that goes without saying.

C and J are both stationed at the same base. Of course you all know an installation is quite large, and ours is a joint base that’s been around for a long time so it’s probably bigger than others. Just my luck though that C and J know each other. Which might not necessarily be a bad thing, except J is an MP, and J was there(or at least C is insistent he was) when C got arrested for drunk driving. So, needless to say C, who was already not fond of MPs, really really dislikes J.

There have been a few times where J or C’s arrest in general has come up(or both), and C has made threats to J. I know these are empty threats, or at least I assume that they are.

I knew C was in the field with MPs, but when he got back he told me that for all things J was in the field with C(I really feel like my life is a sitcom because of how many ridiculous things like this happen to me). Not only that but they went on a specific night mission with each other(@ the writers of the TV show that I apparently live in: can you stop???). C reiterated his rage towards J to me in this conversation, and made some comment about how if they’d been sharing sleeping quarters he may not have been so kind as he managed to be(not that I would blame him because if they had shared quarters because then he would’ve known that J snores like a bitch and would have lost sleep due to it. Though in the field he always tells everybody that if he’s keeping them up they can wake him up, everybody just refuses). 

When he said these things to me I made a joke/statement/whatever to N about how I was somewhat surprised that he made it through the stress of the field without having some sort of outburst at J. And she said that she didn’t really think that C would risk so much just to be petty(not her exact words, but you get my drift). I told her that I know that C has been violent in the past.

Her response was basically “fuck past violence” and insinuating that he must be a bad person because of this. C is an alcoholic/addict in recovery, in fact his acknowledgement of how fucked up he is is part of what drove him to join the army. I said this to her, and also said that all instances he’s told me about where he was actually violent were when he was under the influence. While being under the influence is not an excuse for your actions and you still have to deal with the consequences, it does mean that you aren’t quite in control of yourself. I have never been drunk, but this is something I know. So, I said that until he is sober and violent then I am going to see the best in him.

And she’s judging me for it. She’s like “when you’re drunk it just magnifies the person you already are”. While that may be the truth for her, I’ve never been drunk so I can’t say it’s the truth for everybody, because I don’t know. Also, even if that is the truth for every person ever she says it in a way that means that you might do things drunk that you wouldn’t do while sober. Which I feel like almost proves my point that until he’s sober and violent I don’t necessarily need to be super concerned. When he’s sober he’s able to have the thought processes to not be violent/lash out. 

I really just feel so fucking judged. She has never met him. She knows nothing about him. More than that when I’ve been in past relationships I’ve always wanted to go on double dates with her and her bf, but she’s always refused. So, she could know him, she just doesn’t want to. 

Is she right? Or is she just judging the hell out of me? Obviously you guys can’t say for certain because you don’t know me or my bf or anybody else in this situation. But based off of the information provided do you think I’m valid in saying that until he’s sober and violent I’m not going to hold it against him?

I think that everybody makes similar threats at some point in their lives, out of raw emotion, but that doesn’t mean they’d follow through. I also know that I have a lot of things that I say I want to do or wish I would do but 100% could never do them sober.  ______________________________________________________

So I’m going to play devils advocate. Yes, she sounds judgy AF, but at the same time, you also seem to be minimizing his behavior. His past can greatly impact his future, career, and your relationship if not controlled. Of course, everyone can receive redemption and make up for their past mistakes. Clearly, you are the only know who truly knows him fully and thoroughly. Who cares what your bitchy friend has to say? As long as you’re not putting yourself at risk of being hurt, I say ignore her ignorance but also err on the side of caution. 

-Cherie

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

January 21, 2019

I feel like I didn’t have a weekend. I worked until 9:30 on Friday, came home and edited. In total I worked 14 hours. Craziness. On Friday one of my bosses told me that if I need a break to let him know. I asked if one day I could work from home, that way I have a break, but I will still be able to get stuff done. He said yes. Then his wife (my other boss) sent me 5 emails on Sunday morning asking me for things and she booked me for a bunch of days, including the potential ones I asked to work from home and I texted her asking if she could please give me one of the days and she said it is out of budget as well as they need me. Her husband clearly told me that they would be at the studio those days so they didn’t need me. Today, he came up to me and told me the days both got booked and asked if the 25th was okay for me. I told him he needed to talk to his wife because she said no. He told her that he made the decision that I will be off that day and she said “I don’t understand this, you get weekends off, you asked for a lot of hours.” I honestly don’t remember asking for a lot of hours. I said I would work. I repeatedly said that I wanted enough hours to cover what I was losing from Journey’s. I am glad I am making a lot more. I just need a break, especially because I feel unappreciated. I feel used. I don’t like it, nor do I deserve it. 

Saturday, G texted me asking if I wanted to go over. I went over for 1 and we spent all day together. We went to go get dinner and he asked if I wanted to spend the night. The weather was really bad and he wanted to have some wine. I said okay, but I didn’t prepare for that. Saturday I really didn’t get anything done. I didn’t go to the gym either day, and now I feel super guilty and kind of shitty. I need to text Slavik and tell him I need to get back on track. 

I did have a really nice two days with G. I stayed there until 6:30 Sunday. We watched TV and talked all day. We learned a lot about one another. Which I will get to in a second. I slept really well Saturday night, he didn’t and I feel really bad for that. I slept on his side of the bed, because last time he switched with me. but I think I will just get used to it. He also cuddled me throughout the night, which I liked. I knew he did it because he was uncomfortable and just needed to hold something because he is so used to holding his pillows at night. We also had really great sex and my mind shut off and I just wanted to lay there when we were done. I had 0 energy, my mind was blank. It was so weird, but kinda great. 

When we were watching TV  bunch of topics came up. I found out he usually doesn’t like white girls. Which made me self conscious as fuck. He said that I “somehow slipped through the cracks”. He doesn’t believe in the zodiac which is fine, but he looked at me like I was crazy when I said I believe in it, I am not crazy about it, but there are aspects that I find true. I found out the first time he had sex was in second year if university. Which I found kinda admirable. He didn’t care. He wanted to do it on his own time. He said he doesn’t know how many people he has slept with, but less than 10. He found it weird that I have kept track. Most of mine were in the span of 6 months, so thats no bueno and why its been easy to keep track, plus I am stupid and feel bad about it. He told me I shouldn’t care and I agree. He talked to me more about his family, it really makes me understand who he is and why he is the way he is. His parents did a great job of raising him and I think I need someone with his parenting mentality to co parent with. Something I would love to learn. Probably not with him, but someone similar, I really admire his qualities and values. I found out that he is judgy...which I kind of like because so am I. I asked him how he reacts when he is mad at someone and he said that he is honest with them, tells them he doesn’t want to talk and that he needs to calm down, and then he deals with the issue when both parties are ready to talk. It made me feel better that he isn’t ignoring me because I did something wrong. He just lives his own life. I guess I just guess I was apart of it. He didn’t talk to any of his friends while I was there though, and he was really happy that he didn’t use his phone all day while I was there. Makes me see that he doesn’t care for communication always. When I was leaving he was getting ready to play games with his friends because he said he misses them. Which was nice. 

I guess when I go home and feel like shit its because  1. I have feelings and I want his attention 2. I spent so much time with him and enjoyed it so much, felt so relaxed that it is hard to part with him and that feeling.  3. He does inspire me and I feel like I need more if that. 4. I really enjoy getting to know him and talking with him. We have great conversations and I don’t really have those with anyone.  5. I want him to message me, to know he wants to continue things, to know that maybe he is thinking of me, even if its just knowing I got home safe pr that maybe he misses my company. 

He did mention that he checks my bdsmlr and he says he thinks about things related to me, he just doesn’t message me, I wish he did. I really don’t want to message him first this week. I messaged him last night. I really needed to talk to him. He told me he felt great and that he had an amazing Sunday. That confirmation made me feel a lot better, I thought I was being a burden to him. 

I do want to do something for him. He feeds me and takes care of me. I just want to show him I appreciate it. I will think of something. Make him something for his house, take him out for dinner, something. 

Now for the bad part of the evening. We tried anal. He told me to wear my plug while I drove there. Turns out my drive was longer than we expected and it started to hurt. I got into his door and ripped off my pants and he had to take it out. It was kind of dirty so it made me self conscious and I didn’t really want to do it, but I know he really wanted to even if it was a little dirty. He wore a condom and I wasn’t against it, I just couldn’t calm down from the plug being dirty. I called “yellow” I thought he would stop for longer, but he stopped for a little and help my hand and continued. I started crying and then shut off. I didn’t want to call “red”. I don’t blame him at all. It was me. When I talked to him about it after he was really disappointed in me and I could see he felt bad. I need to clean before better. 

I really need to figure out how he can make me cum. I feel so bad. I am going to continue feeling bad, until it happens. With anyone. He brought up the couch sex from last week and said how again it was vanilla, but felt good. I said “it was different and have him a look to see if he would catch on” I don’t know if he knows what that feeling was, maybe he didn’t feel it. It wasn’t just sex. I don’t know I guess maybe one day he will get it. 

Saturday we sat and listened to music again, talked, put on a movie. It was a really nice time. I spent my weekend being relaxed and having a good time, but for some reason I am stressed after I leave and feel like I wasted it, when I didn’t. I need to accept it for what it was.