volunaryroom3

[volunaryroom3]

CHAPTER 4

My keys rattled in the door as it locked it behind me. It clicked shut and I rested my head on the door, hair tangling over my ears. Thank fuck that was over. Being a slave to the wage crushes your soul, some more days than others.

Now I was home. My sanctuary. A place where I was safe from the anger of the public, complexity of the world and could batten down the hatches with my favourite human before I had to once more put on my armour and head back into battle.

“What are you doing” said Jamie from the kitchen, who could see me resting my head on the front door, sighing in my zombie like state.

“I don’t know” I muttered into the wood. I straightened my back and walked through the to living room, kicking my shoes off and flinging myself onto a chair.

I took my socks off a wriggled my toes above the carpet. There’s something about bare feet that’s so rebellious. Being completely naked, free from the constraint of polyblend, gives you the pleasure of freedom but is also attractive and conventional. Feet were meant to be covered. They can be ugly, toes utterly offensive and fragile so they must be protected and hidden. For them to be naked feels so audacious, to feel carpet fibres beneath was so unruly and these small rebellions got me through the day.

“Here” said Jamie, entering the room and grabbing my naked big toe as he walked past and placed a mug on the table.

“Is that for me?” I said perking up.

“Well I don’t drink tea” he answered, not looking but gesturing with one hand and scrolling through his phone with the other.

“Okay, what do you want?” I asked, raising one eyebrow and looking at him with a wry smile.

“Just drink it” he said laughing.

We both looked at each other and smiled and I felt my heart skip a beat.

There had been a lot of heartache but then there was Jamie.

In my life there have been many boys, many girls, many people and subsequently much loss and sorrow.

My last boyfriend cheated on me. One minute he was one the phone telling me he loved me and the next he was snapped in an incriminating photo with someone else.

It was early morning when I saw the photograph online. I hadn’t been able to sleep, i was scrolling through my phone under the sheets when I saw his hand on her thigh, my eyes widening in the glow of the screen. A series of incidents flashed in my head; the missed calls, his phone vibrating accompanied by shifty glances, disappearing from the room to take a phone calls, whispering in secrecy, always carefully placing his phone face down on the cabinet, me touching my hand on his and him recoiling, leaving me cold. All these images flickering, falling on top each other like dominos until the last one dropped- he’s cheating on me.

My confrontation was subtle. “It looks like you’re having a good time haha I miss you” I text hoping my agony and urgency would feed through the phone.

No reply. Message read. No reply.

Hours passed as I laid in bed staring at the ceiling until the light of dawn rolled over the walls, White noise humming in my ears.

I went to work that day and I smiled, drank tea and did my job but I wasn’t there. I was on a autopilot. I was trapped in my mind, those images flittering past, unable to escape like a slideshow I could not take my eyes off. The pieces of a puzzle were falling into place, my head putting them together and I was lost in my thoughts, nipping and clawing at me through the day. My stomach tight and head spinning.

That evening I was staring into the TV set, blind to the screen and still arguing with myself. I was paranoid. Yes I was paranoid. This isn’t real. The words all muddling together and stacking on top of each other until it just became noise.

Suddenly a text.

“I’m sorry”

My world crashed around me. I felt my hands tightly grip onto each other and my tears fall in slow motion.

“Why?” I cried softy.

A numbness fell over my entire body and I collapsed onto the sofa, my tears running down the tip of my nose and staining the cushion.

After a while the numbness wore off and was replaced by pain. A sharp slice from neck to stomach not visible to the naked eyes but real to my nervous system. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I was just an exposed nerve; open with excruciating pain.

Weeks passed and I was still spiralling into oblivion. I was in trouble at work for mistakes and absence. I was worrying my family and friends but even that wasn’t enough to stop me slipping into the black hole. The dark pit of depression is all consuming and once you are stuck in the tar, you sink further down, you gasp for air until there’s no return.

“What a bastard” everyone said

“What a loser. His loss!” They chanted

And they were right of course. However this did not help me. I loved him. Somehow he subconsciously became my whole world and now I was lost. Lost and isolated in my loneliness but I knew I had to stop. This wasn’t healthy behaviour.

Grief has a timescale. Death can be a lifetime but the breakdown of a relationship? You are limited. You have the get on with it. You have to bare your teeth and show the world how strong you are. You have to prove to others that you are leaving it behind and if you aren’t moving on? You are weak and you can’t show weakness. You can’t be the one to lose.

So I moved on. I washed, I put clothes on and pushed myself back into life. I had an amazing few months embarking on journeys and weekends away by reconnecting with my lost friends. I immersed myself in live music, healing my soul with the beauty of beats and sound with pilgrimages to gigs and festivals. Wild, drunk nights in the sun building hundreds of memories to last a lifetime. The evidence consisted of a mosaic of Polaroids pinned around my desk: my favourite a muddy photo of me grinning ear to ear, hands in the air which screamed look at me! I’m living life!

When I talked to people I laughed. When I looked at people I smiled.

But every night I still cried in the shower.

Later I found out the girl that in the photo was his ex. They have a child together now. In the end it was all for the best but that still doesn’t stop that painful twinge whenever it crosses my mind.

Every time you are hurt a part of your heart breaks and creates a gap. Tiny shards splinter off and disintegrate into tears. You heal, you recover and you fight but there’s now a hole there that will never close up.

Once I am hurt, I am hurt forever.

He wasn’t the first but he was the last one who took a sledgehammer to my heart and shattered the remaining pieces. With the fragments I had left I swore I would never do it again, that I wouldn’t open up because I could cope, the pain would kill me. From then on I lived my life as half a person. Content but never allowing myself to fully feel. I was comfortable in my solitude but always empty.

That was until I met Jamie.

After lounging around the living room for a while I heard my stomach rumble.

“I’ll make tea” I said stretching. I got up and padded through to the kitchen.

I laughed as I heard him yelling at the tv. I know the match was on and I loved how passionate he was; the same amount he showed about everything in his life, including me.

I opened the cupboards and reached for the pan on the top shelf. I stood on my tiptoes, unbalanced and stretching, my fingers fumbling on the tip of the handle. Just as I felt my hand grip the handle they all came crashing down. Metal clanged onto the worktop, thundered to the floor and onto my bare feet.

I didn’t even make a noise, I just bit my lip and fell to the floor.

“What’s happening?” Yelled Jamie running into the room, seeing me rolling around on the kitchen floor.

“Ow! Sorry” I laughed but still grimacing in pain.

“You’re an idiot” he laughed

“I know”” I said rubbing my toes and frowning.

“It’s not funny” he snapped, his tone angrier than before. “I keep telling you to be careful. You’re so stupid. We were having such a nice time and now you’ve done this’

For a moment he stood over me, towering and serious with disappointment. I felt so small looking up at him and feeling shame wash over me.

“I’m really sorry, its been a long day”” I replied, looking at my feet in remorse.

He helped me up and marched me back to the living room in silence. I sat down on the sofa, raising my injured foot and resting it on the table. Jamie sat down on the other side, his attention brought back to the match.

I’ve always been clumsy. Bruises, broken bones and bangs peppered my childhood memories followed by reckless behaviour as an adult. He was right I needed to be more careful. He was only stern because he cared.

I turned my head towards him but he was still fixed on the tv, unwavering and stoic. I looked down at my feet and felt tears well up in my eyes.

There hadn’t been any trauma, no life changes and nothing worthy to make me unhappy but recently I’d started to feel a weight press down on me. My head had began to feel heavy as tiny bits of stress had started to drip on me and one by one it was building up. I was starting to feel cold and disconnected. Sometimes I’d suddenly freeze in time, stare at the wall, feeling like I was floating away until a friendly face asked if I was okay and brought me back down to earth. I was finding it hard to fall asleep and sometimes I was waking up with a bolt in the night, sweating after a bad dream and then worrying about insignificant things until my alarm called me to work. The other day it rained and I didn’t feel it. I saw the rain fall and land on my face but I didn’t sense it dripping down and onto my collar. I couldn’t feel anything anymore.

It was just a few bad days and I was being dramatic.

I sucked the tears back into my eyes and reached for the cold cup of tea on the table.

Things will get better soon.

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[volunaryroom3]

CHAPTER 3

In the distance I could hear life, laughter and voices echoing down the hall. My curiosity fed by anxiety triggered the need to investigate. I sat up and felt my head slightly sway, plastics bed sheets rustling under me as I pulled the curtains open. Last night the darkness had taken away my desire to view the scenery but in the light I saw a fence. A tall fence that was overshadowed by a larger and looming brick wall from behind. Imposing like two bouncers in a night club, threatening and totalitarian,  but instead of wanting to get in i wanted to be let out. I scraped myself off the bed and padded to the door, my feet defying the cold. I didn't have any slippers. I said no one would know where my things are.

''There you are! I'm Laura. come for breakfast" a chipper woman appeared, smiling and closing the door behind me as I left.

she felt uncomfortably close, so close I was able to read the name tags jangling round her collar. She was a nurse. 

Last night in the quiet of my room I had felt a bit safer basking in every lightbulb and avoiding the curtains but today was different. I knew I was in danger again. I looked at her face smiling in the light and she looked so kind but the eyes, the eyes told a different story.

I should have killed myself. I was a sacrifice to god, for pain and suffering, to atone for my own sins but I'm still here. They were turning their attention to me once more, their eyes falling from the sky and into our minds. 

I looked deep into her eyes and saw the golden halo round her iris. Golden with god! They are using her eyes to see.

"Maddie, are you okay?"she said, eyebrows arched in confusion.

'I am okay!" I replied with conviction, not letting on I knew her secret.

'You must be hungry. Come and have some breakfast with us' she said gesturing down the hall.

"I'm- I'm not hungry" I stuttered trying to get away.

"Please come with me" she smiled at me, head slightly nodding in persuasion.

After a moments pause we walked towards the scent of toast that was wafting down the corridor, hearing clattering from the kitchen as we moved past until we reached the main room. The heart of the hospital comprising of a living room, the centre piece a dimly lit television churning out mindless spectacles which was framed by a stack of unread books, followed by a kitchen and a small crowd of people queuing to be fed. Tributaries of rooms surrounded, breaking off like ventricles, nurses buzzing around like flies on a corpse through the office, the clinic room, into the kitchen and out the hall while ignoring the meeting room.

I joined the back of the queue and hoped it wouldn't be as bad as last time. All eyes immediately turned around to me. Once more I was the new girl at school, nervously pulling at my jumper and getting lost in hallways. My attempt to avoid eye contact was interrupted by a muffed yell and a bang emanating from the meeting in room.

The door flew open and out poured a girl terrified and trembling. Her arms were stretched out in front of her, shaking and stiff, covered up scratches and bruises. They traveled up to her neck and dangerously close to her eyes which were glazed over and dilated like a rabbit running for it's life. pure adrenaline and fear.

"NO" she screamed.

"Emma please stop!' A nurse shouted as people spilled out of the room to reach her.

"NO!' She shouted again arms flailing, slapping them off like ants.

More people then joined the wrestle pulling her limbs into a helpless position.

'No STOP''she shrieked before falling into a chair.

At this point I noticed a wet Rorschach pattern permeate her shorts and a drip fall down her leg. She had wet herself. 

Now with a team on top of her I watched her suddenly fall limp and scooped up, legs trailing on the floor as she disappeared through a door.

"'A breakfast entertainment to start the day" a voice giggled. A girl in the queue had lent round to speak to me.

'Hey! I'm hope" she said,  flicking her ashy hair over her shoulder 'what's your name?' She asked.

My mind went blank as it was still trying to process what i'd just witnessed.

'Maddie' I eventually replied. I looked into her eyes and they were steely blue. I was safe.

'Priya, priya!! This is Maddie" she yelled to a girl in the queue, tapping her finger on my shoulder.

From ahead priya smiled and me and mouthed 'hello! I love your tattoos!" Before pointing at the food hatch and sticking her fingers down her throat to give me review and a warning of what culinary delights were to come.

'Ladies come and get it!!"  Said a voice floating from beyond the hatch as it clicked open.

I hadn't eaten in a long time and the smell made sick. It filled my nostrils and slide down my throat, thick and oozing into my stomach. Cyanide with calories

The queues pushed forward with such pace i didn't even notice it was moving until I found myself at the front.

'What will it be darl" a women beamed at me from over the counter pointing to a limp sausage and a questionable look fried tomato. I felt myself panic. I need water.  I need to wash the smell away,  I need water.

She carefully poured and I grabbed my cup of water heading towards a pod of tables.

At one sat a girl on her own stabbing a sausage, her hair dangling in her food. At another table sat another girl with a nurse, not moving at all.

From the corner of my eye I noticed a pair of feet peeking out from under a floor length curtain, the occupant shuffling Inside.

"Here some and sit with us" a voice greeted me through the maze of tables. Hope waved towards me pointing at an empty chair.

My chair scraped along the floor as I sat down, the sound shrieking through me. My heart pounded as I looked at the door, planning an escape route if necessary.

Across from me sat Hope, beside her was Priya and someone new. "Hello I'm Sarah" said the new one. I looked in her eyes. She looked tired. They were ever so slightly bloodshot but overshadowed by a forest green iris circled with amber flecks. Amber is almost gold. I felt my heart spike. I needed to be careful.

"Did you hear grace last night?" She said Hope, twirling a fork through her fingers. "Jesus, like, shut up. She knows what she's doing. She's just having a tantrum when she can't get her own way. The way she screamed at Georgia was disgusting. She's a new nurse on the ward. She's only just started and she knew she'd get away with it"

"I know" said Priya "I smiled at her yesterday and she just glared at me. Total attitude problem"

Grace was the girl who has been stabbing her sausages on the other side of the tables. We all turned to look at her as she looked back with daggers. "Fuck off" she mouthed while slamming down her cutlery and pushing her place to one side. She got up and walked to the door, dressing gown belt trailing behind her.

"Don't feel bad for her" said Priya "she's not nice"

I nodded but my attention was turned away by the feet that were still shuffling under the curtain.

"Nick and Ava are coming today" said Sarah smiling and sipping her coffee.

"Great!" She Priya clapping her hands together.

The conversation drowned into the background and all I could hear was the clock. Tick tock. I watched the dial creep round, stuttering in circles, ticks louder and stronger than the last. I knew I was in danger.

My attention was brought back with a jump by the long curtain abruptly flying open exposing a lady in a dressing gown, grey hair matted over her face and stamping in her slippers.

"I'm not very well you know!" she yelled at top volume before shuffling off to her room.

"That's Maureen" said hope seeing me startled. "She's harmless , just a bit confused" she said trying to reassure me but it was too late. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

Through the window I saw the clouds gather in the distance. The grey merging into black to form perfect curls and sweeping towards me. This was it. I knew I was going to die.

I crushed my cup in my hand, watering spilling over my shorts and running over my toes.

As I tried to wipe the liquid from my feet I heard it. The chorus. Voices floating on the air, breaking in through cracks in the windows and doors and tumbling into the room. Amazing grace.

I felt the microchip buzz in the back of my neck and turned my entire body to the window, my eyes following along to gaze into the clouds. I noticed a strange scratching behind my eyes. At that moment I realised they had put circuitry in my brain. Attached into my frontal lobe, my overgrown brain tissue keeping it in place, I felt the metal scrape along my cornea every time I blinked. I could feel the wires attached in my sinuses, running over pulsating nerves and tickling the inside of my nose. I looked around the room and I could feeling my eyes sting as the circuit rubbed against them. This is how they were following me now. They were using my eyes.

I trembled and slammed my head into the table, tears rolling down my face and shouting.

"Help me" i cried "please help me"

#mental health #mentalhospital #mentally ill #mental breakdown #bipolar disorder #bipolar #schizophrenic spectrum #real life #author #writerscommunity #writing #wattpad #books & libraries #bookaddict #booklover #sad but true #hospital

[volunaryroom3]

TW: Self harm

CHAPTER 2

I wasn’t sure how long I’d be staring at the wall but I felt like it was staring back.

A knock at the door shocked me to attention. A man in a white coat appeared.

‘’Hello madeline” he said as he glided towards me “I’m just hear to do some checks”

I sat back down and our eyes met. He looked very serious. Grey flecks were sprinkled across his hair and he wore the frown of someone who needs a coffee. He then proceeded to grab my arms, hold down my shoulders, pull my arms up and push them back down like some medical Macarena.

“How many fingers am I holding up?” He asked and waved a mixture of blurry digits in my face.

“I’m not sure” I said “are you counting your thumbs as fingers?”

He looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I was mad but I wasn’t stupid.

“Do you understand why are you are here?” He asked.

‘I think so’ I murmured but I was distracted by the bruises on my knees. Bruises and surfaces scratches I had gained in my panic. I prodded the biggest purple circle to the right of my knee. It turned a yellow colour and hurt. Battle scars. I walked my finger further up my thigh to something more sinister. A few inches across, deep and entwined in veins, a ageing laceration that had been carved with precision. Although this one didn’t hurt to touch, it hurt to remember.

‘I didn’t hear you, do you understand why you are here?” He repeated.

“Yes” I said, my voice cracking.

“Here take these” he said as he handed me a little paper cup holding two tiny blue pills and a second cup filled with water. I knocked them back and winced.

“These will help you sleep. Dr Kahtri will see you in the morning. Try and get some rest” he said as he exited back into the hall.

Yes I understood why I was there but I did not know where to start.

***

“I want my money back. Do you understand? I want my money back!” Mr Wilson screamed at me.

If when I was young someone told me I was going to work in a call centre I would have thrown myself out of a window there and then.

‘Call centres are for the lazy and the unlucky’ a colleague once said to me and it stuck in mind every day.

“We can’t do that Mr Wilson. It clearly states in your policy that is it not covered” I said.

“Are you trying to say I’m stupid” He spat back.

I ran my fingers over my keyboard, nails clicking the spaces between the keys. I squinted up at the window, gazing longingly at a cloud that was floating past the sun. What I would have given to be out there. To escape.

“Are you even listening?” He grumbled down the phone, his tone even sharper than before.

I banged my hand on the desk, fingers rolled into a fist, nails digging into the palm of my hand. My other hand slapped against my forehead, fingers gripping onto my hair.

“No because you are wrong. Not only are you wrong but you are also an arsehole. I see that your marital status is ‘divorced’ and I can fucking see why” Is what I wanted to say.

“I am sorry sir and I understand your frustration” through gritted teeth is what I actually said.

“You DON’T” he shouted.

I rolled my eyes and gripped my coffee cup. We had been through this for 20 minutes now and we were no further along. Unfortunately he was not my first today. For 5 hours now it had been what felt like a constant stream of aggression and criticism. One of those days. My throbbing temples warned me of an imminent tension headache on the horizon.

You can tell a lot about someone by witnessing how they treat service industry workers.

On my numerous and tragic dates I would always watch how they spoke to the waiters. Big smiles, plenty of thank yous and a generous tip was what got me going. Where as minimal acknowledgment and a click of fingers and I was out the door before dessert. Well i’d like to think so but losers where my real fetish.

“I want to speak to your manager” he said.

Thank god. See you later. I dialled my manager’s number and transferred him through.

I put my head on the desk and breathed a sigh of relief, my headset dangling around my neck.

“If you didn’t laugh you’d cry” I smiled to myself and blindly felt around my desk for some painkillers.

I lifted my head up and looked at the overbearing computer screen. Red columns and lines stretched over numbers screaming at me to get out of rest and get back on the phone.

I wasn’t ready. My head was still fried but I had to go back online. I was well over my rest time as it was. I’d feel managements watchful eye fall on me at any second.

I took a deep breath in.

“Hello you’re through to Maddie on the help team” I said.

“I want to make a complaint” a shrill voice said down the phone.

I felt my blood pressure rise. Here we go again.

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[volunaryroom3]

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE AND SELF HARM

CHAPTER ONE

I can’t do this anymore.

I’m so tired. Nothing will ever get better. My life is pointless. Just pain and suffering.

I have to go now. They’ve came to take me away. They’re going to take the pain away.

I am so sorry. I love you very much.

****

‘We think you need to come in’. He looked at me from over his glasses, nose wrinkled in concern. They didn’t understand what they were doing. I was scared. I looked out of the window. The light was fractured, streaming through the glass. It was dancing on the floor and running up the chair. My eyes followed the light and shape of the chair, following the lines, leading me back to his face. He was looking at me. They were all looking at me.

It was my turn to speak. I didn’t know what to say. My finger repeatedly tapped on my arm rest as a response.

The man in the glasses crossed his legs and lent back in his chair, appearing to be nonchalant in an effort to make this easier. However this false nonchalance did not glide over the awkwardness or seriousness of my situation.

‘I don’t know’ I said. I hadn’t even intended to be alive let alone make decisions on my immediate future.

‘We think you need to come in. Treating you from home is not working. We feel you would be better here’ he repeated once more in cool composure but more as an instruction rather than an idea.

I understood what had led to me to this point. I had tried to take the microchip out of the back of my neck. I felt it writhe and buzz under my skin. I put my hand onto my top vertebra and ran my fingers over the metal disk stuck in between. The skin above was sore and rough, dozens of scratches in an effort to carve it out with as little mess as possible. The Doctors at the hospital didn’t even look at me. I told them to take it out but they said it wasn’t there and just sent me here. With a flick of my fingers I heard it ting. The sound rang through my ears. I had to get this out. I had to get out of here.

This room made me feel claustrophobic. Corner to corner I saw the walls pull slowly towards me, edges and shapes moving closer and closer. This room was bad news but I had sat in a room like this many times before. Different faces, different layout but the same situation.

I suddenly realised they were talking to each other and I wish I had been listening but I couldn’t stop tapping. Finger tapping on the chair, shoes against the floor, my foot beating to the sound of the earth and the world beating to the sound of me.

The three people staring at me had now turned into four.

‘Hello madeline, I am Debbie the ward manager’ she said stepping towards me, a fluorescent light crowning her head like a halo. Oh god is she one of them? Am I safe?

At that moment I realised my wrists were gently bleeding where I had been subconsciously nipping at the stitches.The sting brought everything came into focus and I surveyed the scene around me. Nothing was real. They were not real. Projected images. Images that didn’t quite fit the scene like a badly photoshopped holiday photograph.

I took a step back and took everything in further. They were all stood smiling at me. It seemed so unnatural. They might have not been real but the Angels were and still coming for me. We had to move.

I exited the room herded out by my entourage. The corridor opened up with beams of light, the path filled with angular colour leading to my dad sat in the foyer who was still clutching my handbag.

The woman was already further ahead and in conversation with him. He looked so sad. I didn’t want him to be sad. He’s too nice to be sad.

‘Can I go home and get some things? No one will know where my things are’ I asked

‘No’’ she replied ‘ you must come with us’

I looked back at him. He nodded his head. I understood he couldn’t help me now. I had no other options.

‘Okay’ I said as we continued on. I watched my dad grow smaller in the distance, handbag still clutched in one hand, waving a sad goodbye with the other.

We went through a set of double doors. Night time. Immediate darkness. I started to panic as it began to flood into my eyes. The Angles were coming for me now. I felt their eyes on me. In the distance I heard the chorus faintly echoing through the sky. If only didn’t have the microchip in my neck, if only someone had let me take it out. I froze in fear and felt one single tear fall over my cheek.

‘I can’t leave’’ I said ‘they’re going to come and kill me. It’s not safe the darkness is here’

She patted me on the shoulder. ‘Come on its not far’ she said and we continued on, my limbs heavy in fear.

We then through a another set of double doors before space extended out into me to form a courtyard and six perfectly space buildings spread out, glittering in the dark. Pathways splitting to reach each of the doors, like fingers extending from palm of a hand, lined with inspirational quotes engraved on the ground and dotted with topiary and abstract structures. I had reached the wards.

My panic was subdued by a sudden stillness. It was serene. Too calm, too quiet. In each building I could see dim lights with shadows drifting though the glow. This wasn’t a hospital. It was a village. It was a village for the mentally ill. Through the façade I could still sense it. Dystopia. It covered the traumatic reality of the patients, not out of distain or cruelty but as a distraction from the suffering.

We suddenly took a sharp right and marched towards the door of an oversized bungalow. This was to be my new home. I had only just moved home myself. There was so much movement in life, so much chaos, I couldn’t concentrate. Everything had just spiralled into one, melted into madness until i lost everything including myself. The only thing left was them. Them and the thought of what they would do when they found me.

We entered to be greeted by a reception, warm and white, nurses on the other side of the glass. The woman tapped on the glass and a nurse came to the locked door to let us in. I wanted to leave.

I walked in and was hit by a wall of sound. Colours entered my ears and I felt my hands tremble.

‘I will show you around’ she said and smiled as I heard the door clang and lock behind me. I noticed the rest of the party had left us somewhere along the way and now it was only me and her. It was then I looked further and found myself staring at four people in pyjamas staring at a tv that was crowned with books. I felt their eyes flicker towards me as I drifted past the TV set. Our pace quickened as we swooped through various doors, kitchen, laundry, private rooms, quiet rooms and through to the hall. It smelt like a hospital. Food and disinfectant.

‘Here is your room. You’re in room three’ she said.

The large pine door was already open for me. Once more my attention was taken away and was drawn to the sound of quiet footsteps and a door down the hall which had just been slammed shut.

I nodded my head and walked into room three. It was how I expected. How they always are. One single bed, a desk and a chair. The bathroom was ensuite consisting of a toilet and shower, the head of which flat against the wall. Nobody can hang themselves on that I thought.

‘We’re just checking your things and I’ll be back soon’ she said as she walked out the door and left me sat on the bed peering out into the hall. I could hear faint echos running through it. Chairs, footsteps and then shouting.

I felt I was being watched and realised the curtain was open. The darkness loomed through the window, monsters lurking within. I stood up, quickly drew the curtains and turned on all the lights. The light was good. They couldn’t get me in the light.

I sat back down on the bed in silence. A pause button. This is what this room is- a giant pause button to sleep in, a pause button on my life with no option to rewind or fast forward. I had no choice but to rest. However I did not want to pause my life at this moment. I want to go back.

At least I am alone. I should enjoy it while I can.

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