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bigassheart · 4 years

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I’ve seen a couple posts about how everyone was wildly out of character and totally inconsistent this season and I’m just like... were you guys paying attention?

1. Luther

Arguably the biggest shift in character between the two seasons, but it makes sense. Luther spent a year fending for himself and thinking his entire family was dead.

This is the first time in his life that he had to hold down a job and actually live on his own. It was literally his first time living out in the world among anyone other than his family, and you can see in his reactions with the other characters from that life (the boss, his landlord, those kids that idolize him, and the waitress) that it has really mellowed him out. It has allowed him to be more normal, despite being very much not normal. You can see the way he’s so much more comfortable in his skin. Literally the only times he looks uncomfortable is when he’s fighting people, shirt off and body on full display. He’s still not comfortable with that, but he’s not trying to hide under huge overcoats anymore. He has people in his life who accept him for being a little weird, but really do treat him normal.

So is he a little less uptight and mission focused? Yeah. Because he can finally see another life, and it’s the life that he honestly did want in season 1 but felt like he couldn’t have because he was number 1 and he had a responsibility to his dad, his family, and the academy to be the leader. Having a year on his own frees him of all that.

But he also spent all that time thinking his family was dead and feeling so guilty about it. You can see in his very first interaction with Vanya, where he suddenly feels that responsibility again. He brings a gun, not knowing what’s going to happen and, despite what he told Five, he absolutely does still have that lingering feeling of responsibility. But then he sees Vanya and she’s not a threat and everything he has been holding in for the last year comes out. Because he does feel guilty as hell for what he did to Vanya, but also for the fact that his actions pushed her into causing the apocalypse. He spent a year with the knowledge that he did that and thinking that his family was dead because of his actions.

He’s willing to listen now because he spent a year living in a world where his actions killed his whole family. And now he finds out that that didn’t happen and he has a second chance. Of course he’s going to take it!

2. Diego

In the first season, Diego finally admitted that he wanted to be close to his family and that he cared about them and wouldn’t leave them again. He confronted the guilt about leaving, which he had previously denied. He realized the difference between revenge and honoring someone’s memory. But despite all that, he never confronted the reason why he, a grown-ass-man, wandered around the city as a leather clad, mask wearing vigilante.

So when we see Diego show up in 1963, that’s still who he is. He wants to be that hero and he finds an answer for how to be that hero in the first several minutes that he’s there. So he takes it. I mean, what else is he going to do? His family is gone. Maybe they’ll show up again. Maybe this is it. Either way, he’s on his own like he was before, so he’s got a duty to be the hero he has chosen to be.

And then he meets his dad again. Everyone keeps telling him he has daddy issues, and they’re right. He absolutely has daddy issues. He’s still trying to simultaneously prove that he’s good enough for his dad, but also doesn’t need Daddy’s approval. Except he does need it. He still desperately craves it and he feels gutted when his dad denies him that approval, even falling back into the stutter he had as a kid.

Now, despite the way we joke, Diego is not dumb. He is so observant and he makes some of the most poignant statements about his siblings and the way they see the world. He sees the people around them and he understands them, but he has never been able to completely turn that gift inwards and see those same things in himself. In this season, Lila breaks through all that and he finally sees himself in her at the end.

“Do you know how hard it is to trust people when your whole childhood was bullshit manipulation? Then why would you do that to me?”

Diego sees himself in Lila, in her failure to break away from her mother despite the fact that he knows she wants to. In the final episode, he sees that she is just like the rest of the siblings, but she doesn’t have to be. None of them have to be stuck with their daddy issues, because they have each other. They can support and care for each other. It’s the last step of the growth he started in season 1, moving beyond his tendency to define his life and his family through their father.

3. Allison

Throughout season 1, Allison struggled with whether or not to use her powers, but it was all centered around getting back to her daughter. When she appears in 1961, that motivation is effectively removed. She thinks everyone else is dead. She thinks that she is stranded in the past and that she will never get back. She finds a group of people to support her and before long... she finds her voice again.

It’s no coincidence that Allison’s first spoken words in the series come right after she gives Ray that pamphlet with a bunch of added notes. She finds her voice in the civil rights movement. She finds her power there. She finds a way to help change the world, to change reality, and she does it without her powers.

This is something she struggled with through the entirety of season 1, feeling inadequate for using her powers to get what she wanted, not knowing if anything was real or earned. Now she has the chance to earn everything without those powers and she is thriving.

And then she is forced to use her powers again. It all turns out fine, but now she’s showing off and experiencing all over again how good it feels to have power. She spent two years in a world where she was denied equal treatment, where she could be arrested and assaulted for any reason those with more power came up with. And now she feels that power... She doesn’t have to wait for people to give her respect. She can demand it. But the pain is still there, and it’s not enough to just be respected, because these people have hurt her. They almost killed her husband. They have used their power to cause pain to her and all those who look like her time and time again and now it’s time to understand what it’s like to be powerless, to be hurt and to be unable to stop it and...

And it’s scary. It’s scary to have that much power, to see how you could become the kind of person who uses your power to hurt others. And she knows that her power has hurt people she loves and suddenly she’s right back where she started.

Only not entirely.

She doesn’t shy away from her powers in the final fight. She is obviously still finding that balance and I would expect this struggle to continue for her in future seasons. Power can be addicting and Allison’s power is so strong. She knows the danger there, but she also knows that sometimes it’s needed despite the danger.

4. Klaus

Klaus is an addict. He finds obsessions to bury himself in to avoid dealing with reality. In season 1, he buried himself in drugs and booze. When he shows up in the 60′s, he finds a new drug to bury himself in: adoration.

Klaus is so impulsive and it’s not difficult to connect the dots of how one thing leads to another until suddenly everything is out of his control. Honestly, that’s the story of Klaus’s life, no matter where he goes. And then something changes. He gets tired of his cult and leaves. Except... that’s not really the reason.

After all this time, Dave is still the love of his life, and he knows he has an opportunity. He knows where Dave will be at this one time and he knows exactly what he has to change to keep Dave alive.

He also knows that Ben is going to have thoughts about this.

I know some people were disappointed that there wasn’t more Klaus and Ben bonding this season, but it makes sense that there is tension there. I think a lot of that tension comes from Ben’s circumstances, which I’ll discuss later, but Klaus is also not responding to that tension well.

They are fighting more than ever (not that they ever didn’t fight in season 1, where they spent much of their time being snarky to each other and Ben literally punching Klaus in the face for being an asshole), but the fighting is about something new this season. Ben wants his own life and Klaus is not in a position to give Ben what he really wants. We also learn that he has been carrying around this guilt for the last 17 years about forcing Ben to stick around as a ghost. He forced this half-life on his brother and now that it’s not enough for Ben, Klaus doesn’t want to deal with it. So he avoids and deflects and snarks and we see the toll on their relationship. We see it in the way he tries to deal with his plans around Dave entirely on his own. He focuses so much into that last ditch effort. He’s already in such a low place before this, so when that fails, we see him snap. We see him give up and crumble. And Ben falls back to his old role, trying to save Klaus from himself.

But the tension isn’t gone and Klaus’s guilt isn’t gone. We see it again when Klaus finally agrees to let Ben possess him. Klaus has always been afraid of his powers and being possessed is just as terrifying a thought as being surrounded by the dead. And yet he gives Ben that chance. It’s the last good thing he can do at that point.

I do wish we had gotten more closure for Klaus and Ben’s story. I think Vanya’s reveal could have been given a little more time, but that’s not really a problem with inconsistent characterization, so we’ll save that for another post.

5. Five

OK, who would argue that Five was out of character or inconsistent? He’s obsessed with stopping the apocalypse, is willing to cross a lot of lines to save his family, and constantly frustrated by his family’s failure to go along with his plans. This is textbook Five.

What I loved about this season was that we got to see Five finally meeting his father again. They interact as two adults, not as a child trying to find away to become his own person, frustrated by a lack of trust from his father. It allows Reggie to see Five in a different light and to actually provide advice in a constructive way, something he has almost never been able to do when viewing them as his children. But despite outward appearances and despite the fact that Five is a grown man, he still sees his father the same way he always has. He doesn’t register Reggie’s advice as advice. He hears that he’s striving beyond his abilities and that maybe he can only travel in seconds. He hears his father telling him he can’t handle time travel. That’s why he doesn’t try to actually take the very good advice until the very end.

An old dog can still occasionally learn a new trick and Five proves that true.

6. Ben

As I mentioned earlier, Ben is chaffing at his ghosthood. Maybe it’s because Klaus has been sober enough to keep Ben around solidly for 3 years. Maybe it’s because Ben is no longer spending all his time trying to keep Klaus alive and sober. Or maybe it’s the fact that he has finally found someone that he actually wants to spend time with. Whatever the reason, Ben wants to be alive this season.

Again, as I mentioned, that’s causing some tension. Ben doesn’t want to be tied to Klaus, but Klaus is ignoring that because he feels so guilty about it. Ben doesn’t want to admit that he was too scared to go into the light on his own, so they’re at a bit of a standstill.

And then Ben gets the opportunity to be alive again, if only for a while. And in a lot of ways, it’s wonderful! But it’s not the same as being truly alive.

So when the time comes, when he’s faced with that light again... he’s not afraid. He knows that it’s time to move on. He knows this isn’t where he should be, but he also got the chance to be there for his family. He misses them, but he got to talk to Diego and Vanya. He got to save Vanya. He got to save Allison and Diego and Klaus and Luther and Five and the whole world! So while he would have stayed, he’s not sad about leaving anymore, and he’s not afraid.

7. Vanya

OK, she was a little out of character because... you know. She had amnesia.

But aside from erasing her past, the amnesia allowed us to see Vanya without the anger and resentment that plagued her for all of season one. Vanya was always someone who was kind and loving, someone who cares enough to leave peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches out for a missing brother for years. Someone who knows the pain of not being seen and who will always take the time to truly see other people. She’s someone who wants to love and to be loved and to protect those she loves.

That was all here, with or without the memories. And as soon as the memories came back, so did the guilt and fear about what she had done, what she had become, terrified of what was inside her in a way that she was not when her powers first surfaced. But Ben is used to being afraid of what’s inside of him. He knows she’s not a monster and is the perfect person to explain that to her. And this time around, she has experienced the love and care and attention of her siblings (and Sissy) to back up those words. That’s how she finally accepts them as truth, how she finally accepts her power as a part of her.

Overall, there are things that I wish this season spent more time with, but there was nothing that I felt was out of character or wildly inconsistent. The characters still struggled with all the baggage from their shitty childhood, their fear of their powers, and the guilt in their past. Some struggled in new ways this season and some continued old struggles that had never fully been resolved. The season felt very different than the first, but it still felt like the Umbrella Academy. It was a good mix of new and old and a good mix of feel-good moments we have all been waiting for and frustrating and sad moments that just come with having a complicated family. I loved this season. And now, I’m going to go re-watch every episode.

#tua s2 spoilers #tua season 2 #tua analysis #The Umbrella Academy #tua #luther hargreeves #diego hargreeves #alison hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #five hargreeves #ben hargreeves #vanya hargreeves

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pynkhues · 3 years

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Why do you think good girls don’t kill off white people ?

Ah! Well! That’s a pretty loaded question, haha.

I think there are quite a few things to unpack within it, particularly around how this show handles race and violence more broadly, and I’m going to do my best to offer an answer to that for you here, but before I do that, I want to start with the fact that I’m not the best person to ask.

Honestly, it’s a conversation I struggle with because while I do read, listen and try to think proactively about media, criticism and the voices of BIPOC writers, audiences and critics, I’m also white and I’m Australian, so presenting myself as anything close to an authority on the subject of race and storytelling in America feels wildly irresponsible at best.

(When I say that too, please don’t get me wrong and think I’m excusing Australian media from similar conversations – Australia has a deeply racist past and present, but the context of that past and present is very different to the experience of BIPOC in America, and to equate the two would be diminishing to the nuance of both conservations).

My point is that if any other bloggers feel comfortable and want to speak to this, or to what I write below, please do! And please tag me so that I can see and reblog, because I know I’m not the best source for this conversation and because I’d love to learn more myself and amplify the voices of people with more informed points of view!

But! You asked me and I don’t want to dodge the question either or thrust responsibility onto others!

So!

I personally think the issues of race on this show vary not just character-to-character, but writer-to-writer, which is indicative of a broader problem with the show I’ll talk about a bit later. Right now, I want to talk about the fact that there have been episodes where I think race has been handled in a way that feels thoughtful and considered. In particular, I’m talking about 2.06 which really paralleled Turner and Stan as Black men working for law enforcement, a conversation that was revisited in 2.09 during the lie detector test when the strength of Stan’s character was contrasted with the self-interest of Turner’s. The latter episode was also bolstered by Ruby and JT’s push-pull which came to a close by spotlighting a class issue often tied to race – under-resourced school districts. These are rounded episodes that touch on the nuance of complicated issues, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both episodes were written by Black writers, Des Moran and Carla Banks-Waddles.

That said, that nuance is too-frequently missing.

I think there are a lot of occasions where the show removes race from character and context in a way that is detrimental to not just those characters, but to the show overall. One of the clearest examples of this is – as @foxmagpie pointed out just the other day – the inauthenticity of the show presenting Ruby’s experience of invisibility as the same as Beth and Annie’s, something that the show does more or less every episode. Her experiences would not be the same as theirs, and to present it as such diminishes her arc, her relationship with Beth and Annie, and the show’s themes overall.

That removal of race from character and context is often a key issue that the show has with how it depicts violence. and I’m going to circle back to this point in a moment, but I just want to clarify something else quickly.

The show has killed off white people.

In fact, prior to 2.13, most of the characters killed were white (Eddie and Jeff), although not all (Ruby’s dad), and all the characters who experiences violence were white – Annie was almost raped, Mary Pat was raped, Dean was shot, Big Mike was shot, Ben’s bully had his finger broken, and Boomer was hit over the head with a bourbon bottle, held hostage in a treehouse, punched, manhandled and hit by a car. Marion was also killed off in 3.08.

I’m bringing this up not to diminish the violence that Ruby, Rio, Turner and Lucy have experienced on this show, but rather to emphasise my point above. The show, I think, wants to treat all of this as the same. It wants Ruby, Rio, Turner and Lucy’s identity and race to be incidental in these moments when it can’t be, because it’s not. Because ignoring the social and cultural history of the violence that these characters experience is not only inauthentic, but a part of a pattern of storytelling that brutalises BIPOC bodies in media.

None of us live in a vacuum, and context matters. Context is important. Context is what all of us live with, and on paper – in a vacuum – a man being shot by an ex-lover after he kidnaps her is very different to the contextualised image of a white woman shooting her Latino ex-lover – a sequence of events that conjures racist stereotypes, tropes and historic cultural violence. Similarly, a woman being murdered after being used by a colleague and then coerced by a gang is different on paper to the image of an Asian woman being used by a white woman and then murdered in a country where anti-Asian violence is at an all time high, and when Asian characters in Western media have historically been treated as disposable.

We don’t live in a world without context, so the stories we consume shouldn’t ignore that context irresponsibly.

I also think there’s something to be said here about the salacious presentation of certain acts and the lingering camera on certain moments. The scene with Rio being shot is graphic in a way no other violence on the show has been, with the closest to it – I would argue – being Boomer’s attempted rape of Annie in 1.01, which is a whole other kettle of fish (I have very mixed feelings about how this show uses and talks about rape, but that feels like a whole other post, haha). Similarly, the camera lingered on Ruby’s shot leg (and the story’s stayed with us longer than Dean’s shot chest), and Turner’s body, while Marion and Eddie were both killed off-screen. At the same time though, there’s an argument to be made that the show’s treated the violence against these character’s a lot more seriously than it’s treated, say, Boomer being carted off in a bag after being raped in prison to presumably be further brutalised in some way, or Dean collapsing at Boland Motors halfway through a Fortnite dance.

My point there is that we shouldn’t ignore that white characters on the show are killed and brutalised too, but we also need to acknowledge that these scenes are entrenched in different contexts, which means that the way that they play out has a really different impact, and the show trying to divorce these acts from race is ignorant and irresponsible.

In that sense, I don’t think the show’s trying to be harmful or deliberately relying on racist tropes. I think it’s made active efforts to rectify certain problems it’s had historically (half of s3’s episodes were written by Black women, a marked evolution from 0 in s1), but it’s one that, in my opinion, doesn’t treat race as central to its story in the way that it should, particularly as a relatively diverse show that’s concerned with class, family, poverty and crime in America. And that is why I think the depiction of it varies writer-to-writer, and it’s why I think the show overall can be thoughtless with how it depicts scenes of death and violence, and that is a top-down problem that Jenna and the PTB need to address.

After all, death and violence are always going to be a part of a show like this – particularly a show that has such a small, insulated cast (ergo limited characters to depict as both victims and perpetrators of that violence in meaningful ways), but it’s the thoughtlessness for me that steeps the show’s most racist scenes, and in 2021 that’s really not acceptable and the show should be held accountable.

#crime time #behind the scenes #sort of #race #welcome to my ama #lanai6world #race on gg

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eurydicees · 3 years

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Never apologize for your long thoughts and tangents!!! Those take time and I appreciate the detail you go into. I'm sorry for not being clearer in my ask, I think my sleep deprivation got to me lol; I was actually asking about your thoughts on their friend groups/skills in university bc even though they have so much more...time and space to make friends, I always wondered how many they would really make in college and esp people like Hikaru and Kyoya

all good, all good! i’m glad you enjoy because i have SO much fun writing them out, even if you and i are the only people who actually click “read more.” anyways. thoughts. i have so many. oh god. i know you said not to apologize but. this is so much. and i only covered the friend thing, i didn’t even talk about skills. i will def think on that though because i have opinions on everything. well here we go i guess:

i think one of the things i experienced in college was just a huge influx of opportunity. like. i was living with people that i saw all the time and thus became friends with them, and then friends with their friends, and then people in my classes, and people in the extracurricular projects i did-- like. there were just so many new people, and i go to a relatively small school.

all of that being said, my experiences are (a) only my own, and i don’t think that everyone does this, and (b) very, very, very american. like. the quintessential “die over college apps and then thrive in college” american experience. i’m sure that a lot of my experiences wouldn’t apply in japan (just based on what i know from other media i’ve consumed / people i’ve talked to), but some of them are pretty universal, i think.

okay all of that out of the way. i think that haruhi is going to have a very similar experience to me in that she doesn’t have a huge world outside of the hosts while at ouran, but once she gets to university, she’ll really thrive and branch out and find Her People, you know? over the course of the manga, she progressively learns to take initiative in things, as well as keep herself from burning out over that, and i think that’s something she continues to work on throughout university.

tamaki would also be able to branch out a bit, but at the end of the day, the hosts are his family. the hosts are the people he cares about. he definitely makes other friends, and definitely cares about them, but he loves the hosts. i think he has trouble prioritizing anything other than the other hosts, which makes it hard to make new friends, at first.

once he figures out that you can like. have multiple friend groups, he’s great. he also, i think, has to really accept that the other hosts are at different universities and are going to be making new friends, too, and he’s not going to be their “king” anymore. they’re all going to have to find different paths, and he has a lot of trouble accepting that for the others, even more so than he has trouble with it for himself.

kaoru does a similar thing to tamaki, i think, where he has trouble making friends only because he has trouble accepting that everyone else is also doing new things without him. especially hikaru. we see him-- in both the manga and in the anime-- have trouble with the idea that their little family is going to break up, almost to the same extent that tamaki fears it. i think that really holds him back for a while, but once he accepts that, though everyone is moving on, they all still love each other, he’ll be able to make new friends.

and oh god once he starts making friends, kaoru goes for it. he branches out wildly in university. he’s spent his whole life just sharing everything with hikaru, and once he starts trying to find out who he is apart from hikaru, he tries everything. he dyes his hair. he dresses like an e-boy. he joins a band, and then quits immediately. he wears dresses. he learns to do make up better than anyone else he knows. he takes every class he can.

he also burns out, i think, probably during his second year of trying everything new and figuring himself out. once he recovers from that lapse, where he kind of gives up on everything, he then settles down into being a person that he’s happy with. jesus christ ok there’s this really good demon-megane post that i have been trying to find for AGES that i simply cannot find, about how kaoru and hikaru are when they get to university and have to work on their codependent relationship. i think about this post every fucking day. it’s so good and it’s so relevant rn. i’m gonna go looking for it again later.

okay and this is gonna be a hot take, but i don’t think that honey and mori figure out how to make friends at university either, at least not until everyone else has graduated ouran and is off to university. in the manga, it’s honestly like they didn’t even graduate-- they go back to ouran for a lot of lunches, and they see the other hosts all of the time. i don’t think that, if they’re doing that, then they’re going to be able to make many friends at university.

but once everyone has graduated, i think that they’d be able to branch out better. as soon as they don’t have a significant fear of missing out on host club shenanigans and their old friends’ lives, they can kind of move on and find other people-- which is just. gonna be so good for them. mori, especially, would have a great time in college trying out new things without worrying about honey (mori has eldest daughter syndrome, change my mind). honey has always been popular and charismatic, and once he truly moves on from ouran emotionally, i think he’s going to have a great time making friends.

and on the other end of the spectrum, i think kyoya would be. suffering. like. he’s friendly with people, but he doesn’t have friends. he’s so focused on studying himself to death that he doesn’t have time for emotionally valuable friendships, and i don’t think he really wants them either. like i said in that last post, i think he’s pretty satisfied with what he’s got, and he’s not going to want to branch out much. also i wrote an entire fic about this lmao.

similarly, hikaru would have the worst time trying to make friends. i think that he has one of the most impressive character arcs throughout the manga, but he still has a long ways to go in terms of his social skills. and if we’re talking anime-only, hikaru has absolutely no idea how to like. be a good friend. he’s so used to just using people that it’s hard to not do that. and even then, he’s so wrapped up in the hosts that he doesn’t really know how to find other people.

side note, but i think he’d also have a lot of trouble at ouran after tamaki + kyoya graduate, because he really just doesn’t know how to find people outside of the hosts. during university, he probably has a lot of trouble figuring himself out-- what he wants to do with his life, with his career, with people. he doesn’t like. seek out clubs, and just takes random classes, and doesn’t reach out to anyone. i love him so much, but he’s definitely a mess in university. he figures it out, i think, but it does take him a hot sec. he needs a year to learn how to stop burning bridges via anger issues, and how to not rely on kaoru for the social skill aspect of a friendship, and what he actually wants to do with himself. GOD. i’m thinking about that post AGAIN. every time i think about the twins i think about that post it is KILLING me.

but in conclusion, all of the hosts miss each other so terribly during university, and they have such a rough time trying to figure out new relationships. except for haruhi, who fuckin thrives in university, except for the fact that she’s studying all of the time and doesn’t know how to manage her time. but that’s just the #college life. anyways i am SO curious to hear other people’s thoughts on this bc it’s a very very interesting question!

#ask #ohshc #ouran high school host club #ouran meta

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hongism · 3 years

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Hyello, okay so. I don't have the emotional energy to take in and discuss everything in that chapter so imma just gush over the info cause I am a ✨whore✨ for world building.

So obviously MOC SPOILER

hi bestie HELLO guess WHO!!! finally ANSWering!!! altho im gonna answer separately and space everything out all Neatly bc im all over the place so strap IN we’re going on an moc RIDE!

THERE'S A WHOLE SIREN COMMUNITY?! AND YN AND IT MUST BE WOOYOUNG WERE FRIENDS? SIRENS HAVE A FULLY FLEDGE COMMUNITY WITH PRIESTS AND SCHOOLS AND MULTUOLE CITIES TO SOME EXTEND??? MAYBE EVEN AN ENTIRE PLANET WITH SIRENS MAYBE THEIR ORIGIN PLANET? HOW MANY TYPES OF SIRENS ARE THERE AND IN THE COMMUNITY HOW DTRICT ARE THE DIFFERENT ROLES?!?! ALSO DOES THE SIREN COMMUNITY ALLOW FOR DIFFERENT TYPES OF SIRENS TO BE TOGETHER? OBVIOUSLY THEY SHOULD BUT ARE THE CHILDREN THEN HYBRID TYPES, LIKE WHEN WE GET BLUED DARK SKIND BABIES OR CAN A SKREN ONLY BE ONE TYPE. WHAT POWERS DO SIRENS HAVE AND DOES THE POWERS REFLECT THEIR PERSONALITY AND DO THE DIFFERENT TYOES LEAN TOWARDS CERTAIN JOBS. LIKE WE JUST LESRNED THE OCEAN GOTTA BE PRIESTS BUT MOON ISNT STRICT WHAT ABOUT FIRE. AND IS YN INSTIC TO PULL OUT A HEART CAUDE HER PERSONALITT, TRSUMA OR IS IT RELATED TO THE MOON. ALSO CAUSE ITS A RED MOON WHICH IS COMMONLY A BLOOD MOON, IS YN THEN A SPECIAL MOON SIREN AND THATS WHY HER POWERS ARE STEONGER OR HER INSTICTS TO USE THEM ARE STORNGER BUT THEN THE MILITARY FUCKED HER UP. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

now this is the thing im biting my tongue on SO HARD bc it’s my favorite aspect of the world building and the universe and everything involved in it bUTIHDFKJG THERS SO MUCH I WANNA SAYYYYYYYYYY in short that one dream sequence holds more hints and information than ANYTHING from previous chapters, i think that it’s probably the MOST IMPORTANT dream to date. while we’ve seen some crazy ones in the past, this one is both the biggest hint and the biggest window into y/n’s past by FARRRR. even tho that whole scene was dialogue i think there’s so much to pick up on from it and so much to see and learn from it and it’s one of my faves bc there’s so much to unpack from it !!

Like yes the story and the development is freaking ✨yes✨ I love it. Genuinely think moc should be released as books. But I just cannot deal with the emotions rn.

But also now all I'm going to be thinking about how many sirens are actually out there. And if yn knew her parents and wasn't just an orphan the military found in the streets... How the fuck did she end up in the military grasps. What happened to her parents what happened to the community, is it still out there? Guess I gotta go back and reread the galaxies and the backstories, obviously I must have missed or have forgotten something. Ugh how the puzzle pieces are puzzling (or something). Moc is a drug and I'm not going sober anytime soon

(obviously you don't have to respond to my questions, this is more just an insight into the spiralling of theories going on in my mind)

releasing moc as books? a dream and a half, i can say that much slkjdlgkjlkf but back to the sirens... how many are out there? we heard early on that hongjoong was looking for ‘the last five’ but then seonghwa debunked that and said that was a mistranslation over time that was passed down and such, but beyond that, we don’t really know much about sirens as a whole? there are some hints in the galaxies and planet descriptions but if that dream sequence is a puzzle, i would say we have a handful of pieces that can be put into place based on what we’ve learned so far!!!!

Okay I lied, I am ready to unpack a little of the ✨emotions✨

When hongjoong explained that hwa tried to stop San only for San to detain him and in a sense make him watch the scene unfold. And then realising hwa had to go through that again, only being even more helpless. I don't doubt hwa loves San, but to see the events happening again, with someone he clearly loves as much as he does yn even if he also loves joong, and to see the desperation and determination must have been just. Horrible. Just absolutely soul breaking horrible. I can imagine him vowing to himself after San that he would never let something like that happen again. That of any of the crew got out of control like that, that he would fight harder to stop them. That he would would do absolutely everything in his power to stop it. And then being helpless as he watched yn do it. Just pure heart wrenching pain. And it must have been beyond terrifying to see someone you love ready and determined to kill themselves partly from rage and partly from desperation. With the backstory, that scene becomes almost as cruel as the warehouse scene with San. The only redeeming quality is no one needing life saving surgery in a time crunch, otherwise they would be the same level of ✨never again✨

honestly i think the two crew members i torture the most are san and hwa bc i just keep putting them thru all this shit and hurting them so much but really this was the defining point of why seonghwa was so afraid. before we kinda just knew he was afraid of yn and hongjoong was mad about it. in this revelation we get to see the source of the trauma and how it was amplified by it being someone he loves as dearly as he loves yn. and for sure when first reading that scene of yn and jisung in the brig, it’s meant to evoke a sense of anger and rage like yn is so angry to a point where she would do this sort of thing, but my hope with that scene was also to show that desperation. that when looking back at it after having already seen the rage and the aftermath, that reading it again shows how desperate and hopeless she was in that moment. which is exactly the same emotion that was evoked back in that warehouse scene with san, except it was relayed differently because the warehouse was a more immediate sense of desperation. this brig scene was meant to emulate that but in a slow burn kinda way where the veil of realization is pulled off after the fact and not in the moment!!!

Just to make sure you don't misunderstand. Those asks were compliments. You are an absolutely incredible writer. And the fact that you aren’t afraid of hurting your characters *cough cough* SHOOTING SAN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? *CLEARS THROAT AGRESSIVELY* just makes the story much better. No one gets plot armour, making it more realistic (?) and really draws in the writer and sorta imitates the fear and desperation the characters feel

PLS don’t worry, i live for every moment and i live for these open and raw and genuine conversations i didn’t take any as an insult i PROMISE!! i think part of the nature of this whole trope of space pirates and criminals is that hter is no guarantee of safety! i don’t wanna have to cut corners to make sure everyone stays unharmed and undamaged throughout the story when the nature of the world i’ve built thus far is a wildly dangerous one!!! i always say that i try to be as realistic as i can, all things considered, and i think that’s the biggest thing that adds to the ‘realism’ in my mind so im so happy to hear that you see it and appreciate it and enjoy it!!!

OHOHOHOHOHOH ALSO

YN GRIPPING SOMEONES HEART??? YOU WRITE THAT SO FUCKING WELL. LIKE ENIGUH DETAILS THAT WE KNOW WHATS GOING ON, BUT ALSO NOT SO MANY DETAILS SO IT GETS DETACHWD FROM THE STORY. LIKE THE LACK OF CLEAR SUPER MANY DETAILS REALLY MADE IT THAT *YOU ARE EXPERIENCING THIS, NOT JUST READING IT* LIKE IT MADE IT WAY MORE EMOTIONAL AND OERSONAL AND THE READER REALLY GOT IMMERSED IN THE MOST HORRIBLE WAY THAT KUST MADE IT ALL RHE MORE BETTER. ALSO JOONG AFRAID????? JOONG REALISING HE GOT A FULLY FLEDGED HEART RIPPER SIREN WHO CANT CONTROL HER BODY TO MOVE THROUGH A HARMLESS DOOR BUT CAN DEFINITELY KILL IN A HEARTBEAT (OR TWO 👀) ALSO THE CONTRAST OF REMOVING RHE BLOOD COLOURED WHITE OLASTIC AND HAVING A CLEAN HAND UNDERNWATH. THE SYMBOL OF IT ALSO BEKNG A TRASH CLEANERS SUIT. LIKE SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO ACTUALLY USE THE TRASH PROTECTION DUIT FOR ITS INTENDED PURPOSE. ALSO THE OART WHERE SHE SAYS SHES FINE EVEN TJO SHE ISNT. AT FIRST I READ IT AS HER TELLING HERSELF TO LIE BUT THEN I REALISED ITS HER ADMITTING SHE VERY MUCH ISNT. AND SAN NOT KNOWING???? AND KISSING HER HAND AND UGH AND SEONGHWA KNOWING. I BET HE'S LOWKEY GETTING MORE AND MORE AFRAID OF HER. LIKE YN IS READY TO KILL HERSELF AND ANYONE AROUND HER TO KEEP SAN SAFE. AND SHE INSTICTUALLY GOES FOR THE MODT AGRESSIVE METHOD POSSIBLE. IHHHHHHHHHHHHH I FUCKING LOVE YOU AND YOUR WONDERFUL WTITING AND YOUR TWISTED MIND THAT CAN CREATE ALL THESE FUCKING SCENES THAT GOT ME THUNKING AND FEELING ✨EMOTIONS✨

truly one of the HIGHLIGHTS of the chapter simply bc of how shocking and sudden it is!! for me, that was one of the easiest scenes to write in the chapter, oddly enough? it was something that when it came time to write it, i knew how i wanted it to be and was able to just sit down and write it out the way its written in the final draft of the chapter. i really love playing with those aspects of fiction and storytelling. tangible to a point, without spelling it out. i think it’s obvious that i really love delayed realization in writing, but i really like playing with how the brain processes information and for me personally, i don’t pick up on things right away! i can realize them in a snap or it can take me a bit to go ‘oh god that’s what happened’, and i like playing with that in y/n’s character a LOT.

and in that same vein of thought, there are some layers to that scene as well when compared to the door scene. in the door scene we saw hongjoong clearly tell y/n ‘you need to do this to save san’ yet she wasn’t able to do it despite trying and believing hongjoong. then in the heart scene we saw y/n clearly tell herself ‘you need to do this to save san’ and she did it then. so there’s a lot at play in that parallel alone too. and with that internal monologue she has of im fine vs not fine, then san kissing the hand that touched a literal real actual beating heart for me that was a sort of self indulgent scene and i was really worried about it coming across as too cheesy or something like that, but that is something that’s gonna impact y/n as a character and her relationship with san when they have the conversation of ‘oh hey i put my hand through a man’s chest for you’

i think part of why this chapter was so difficult to construct and write as a whole definitely is because of all the undertones and nuances throughout, and in a lot of ways it’s so so much to even think about that it’s almost too much packed into one chapter alone, but even if you don’t pick up on all the nuances throughout, i’m hoping to revisit them and bring them back around in that delayed realization style again bc that’s one of my favorite things to do ofc :3

#21y redeemed fool #mists of celeste #moc: spoilers #caly answers #sorry i wrote you a whole essay in response oh my god?!??#T_T

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isa-ghost · 4 years

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Seeing Sean so bouncy and happy in that vlog was so sweet, it felt so refreshing to watch. :’D

All these people lately talking about “”he’s different/changed/a stranger/etc”“ can get out of my face rn, that vlog felt like it had the same energy old vlogs always did and I haven’t been that soft towards a video in a good while. I really dont see how he’s Changed(tm) the way some are saying he has. It felt so nice seeing him radiating energy and smiling so much, and nothing about it really seemed different or fake or whatever words have been getting tossed around on here lately. I’m really happy he had a great birthday and that the amount of love he got shown was almost enough to bring him to tears. He looks so SO excited for whatever he has on his mind to do in the future and I can’t wait to see what he’s doing, or how “weird” its gonna get. As long as he’s having a blast experimenting and experiencing, I’m happy for him whether I watch whatever nonsense comes out of it or not. xD

And I’m gonna finally just shit out some bluntly honest thoughts here so beware or whatever, but thank GOD he mentioned wanting to do some stuff that we might find abnormal for him to do or strange in general, and saying we need to just let him try what he wants and to trust him. I am super pleased he’s “puttin on the dad pants.” It’s needed.

I’ve been holding back on commenting about a looot of things because I just don’t want to deal with the crap it could stir up because things on here have been so godamn volatile lately and I’m beyond tired of it, but just... Some people I’ve seen have been sounding way too much like they’re trying to police every little thing Sean does, every tiny turn the channel takes, and every word out of his mouth in every video. And if not “policing,” then just taking anything they can and projecting it in some kind of negative light. Like, I can already hear all the people getting overly bothered he said to trust him when they “cant lately.” Or getting offended he said “bitches,” even though he really honestly is not wrong there, whether its “not mature of him to say” or not. I’m not saying Sean has no faults or can’t be called out for something or anything like that, but my god some of the things I’ve seen him “called out on” or things I’ve seen discussed in general are so TRIVIAL and have gotten far more attention than they should, and other things I’ve seen, trivial or not, have been stupidly blown out of proportion and/or STILL dragged on about after ages since it initially happened and its just.. not necessary, or not worth still bringing up. It’s exhausting to see and hear constantly. All that, plus all the people misconstruing things he says, over-analyzing what he means, or just taking things he says or does wildly in some wrong direction or just,, taking it like he’s personally coming for them. It just all needs to stop, some people have been acting like Sean or the channel is DYING or some shit and it’s ridiculous. And again, before anyone shoots into my notes to counter me into oblivion or thinking I’m saying none of the d*scourse or whatever you want to call it is invalid, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying some, maybe even a good chunk of it, has exploded beyond necessary amounts and other chunks are just.. not necessary or completely absurd to begin with. Not ALL of it is stupid or unreasonable or insert adjective here, but a lot of what I’ve seen personally has been. It’s good to check people when they need it, its good to point things out. But its felt like Sean can’t breathe anywhere we can see without someone finding a reason to call it a problem.

This entire issue is so hard for me to talk about because it feels like I’m talking in circles or can’t adequately explain what I’m feeling without sounding like the ““white knights”“ buzzing around and hating anyone who speaks up or ““another”“ person saying the same shit that’s been said a million times that ““doesn’t understand”“ whatever “points” people are trying to make. I’m neither of those people, I just haven’t had the epiphany I need to convey what I’ve been feeling or what I’m saying about all of this. Or maybe I have and I just don’t see how clear I’m actually being because I’m a rambly scatterbrain, who knows. Overall, I’m just sick of how explosive and catty and nitpicky things have felt on here lately, and how it feels like everyone is making it feel like Sean or the channel are dying and everything is horrible, and how depressing it feels to be on here when I’m not seeing any of it at all. And I’m really really relieved Sean said he’s gonna start speaking up more often when we’re out of line and that we need to stop getting so uppity whenever something unusual happens on the channel or he does something we aren’t used to. And I’m beyond sick of seeing him never able to say or do enough on this site to satisfy the people fussing over things constantly, and them only fussing over whatever he says on top of whatever they were fussing over before.

#i dont think i need to tag this as anything #its more like i word vomitted things ive been bottling up for a while now #bc Seans vlog and some stuff he said finally encouraged me to let it all out #and even now i feel like i didnt get what i mean across properly and its frustratinggg #but this site likes to pick things apart no matter how clear you are anyway so whatever i guess- and i dont only mean the jse community here #this site in general does that and its a huge pet peeve of mine #but thats not a can of worms to open rn #regardless i feel betterish that i got it out of my system mostly despite dreading whatever it might stir up on my blog #uhhhh alsooo #long post #bc that might make me feel less annoying for posting smth rambly

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moonlights-shadow-warrior · 4 years

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Hi, I’ve been following you for a hot minute and wanted to ask about how you define your asexuality and gray-romanticness. I am a poly/pan trans-guy trying to wrap my head around it and from your posts you always seem super nice and down to earth. Sorry if this is a weird question ^~^’

Ngl your ask did catch me off guard, although that was mostly due to the fact that a) I never get asks, and b) I rarely post my own stuff or comment on others’ posts so the fact that you said I seem nice and down to earth ‘cause of my posts threw me for a bit of a loop. Sweet though, and I’m glad I come off that way even though my blog is really just a mishmash of things I like and that catch me eye

Now as for your question

TL:DR Defining my asexuality means I don’t feel sexual attraction towards others (never have in my almost 23 years of life) and it honestly kinda confuses me simply because it’s something I’ve never experienced before and when others talk about it I just don’t get it

As for my greyromanticism, it’s more a transitional term as over the years I went from having loads and loads of crushes (I think) as a kid to now where I haven’t had a crush for multiple years as I move closer and closer to being aro ‘cause of some trauma that happened in my life. Same trauma is part of why gender does make a difference in my attraction now

Gonna start this off with some backstory saying I used to identify as bisexual, then pansexual, ‘cause I’d never heard of asexuality before and gender didn’t really play a part in my like for someone. And from the terms I knew, those seemed like the obvious choice at the time. But I also didn’t really,,, get it when some of my friends talked about how hot a person was or their list of actors they wanted to bone (and just celebrity crushes in general now that I think about it, although that could’ve very easily been due to the fact I can’t for the life of me remember who’s who in the realm of Hollywood). I’d just sorta nod along and listen ‘cause hey, people are different and just ‘cause we’re both pan doesn’t mean our experiences are exactly the same

Now at this time I was reading a lot—and I mean a lot—of fanfics ‘cause of escapism and all that jazz. And in one fic I came across there was a character—my favorite character—that was ace. When it got mentioned I didn’t think much of it ‘cause it was just ‘oh cool new term I haven’t heard before’. But then it was explained not only what asexuality was, but also what sexual and romantic attraction were—with examples for each of them—and how they didn’t always line up for some people. And it just

Clicked

I did a bit more research on it, reading things that other aces had posted talking about being ace, and it felt like it just fit me

It’s probably been close to 7 years since I last read that fic, but it was explained something like this

Have you ever looked at someone and wanted to fool around with them, maybe take a tumble in the sheets, but would never want to date them? That’s sexual attraction

And have you ever looked at someone and had your heart flutter and just wanted to go on dates and maybe kiss them but you wouldn’t describe them as sexy and the thought of having sex with them either didn’t cross your mind or made your stomach turn? Romantic attraction

And feeling the latter without the former? Well you might just be ace

Of course this isn’t a universal thing for those under the ace umbrella, but it worked for me and helped me realize something about myself

I don’t feel sexual attraction, which was why all those times my friends talked about how sexy someone was or who was on their f list, it felt like a foreign concept to me and the most I could say to relate was “well they are cute”

As for my greyromanticism, that one’s not as clear cut. Also cw for bad parenting and divorce/bad breakups basically idk

Like I said above, I used to get a lot of crushes as a kid. Looking back, were they all actually crushes or just me thinking a person looked cute? Who knows, but I’m pretty sure there were some

Walking in late only to see the new kid sitting there and immediately my heart rate picked up and I had trouble looking directly at them without blushing? Then picking up an instrument that they played just to try and be seated next to them in band class even though I had no idea what I was doing and had barely talked to them before?

Crush

Get partnered with someone for one assignment and then always trying to sneak glances at them out of the corner of my eye and it just so happens that they ended up in a lot of my photos of my middle school DC field trip?

Crush

Playing spin the faygo just for the chance to make out with one person ‘cause they’re hella cute and within an hour of knowing each other we immediately linked hands and threaded our fingers together while walking around?

Crush

Just as a few examples. Also I was shy and didn’t know how to socialize, which didn’t help at all in the creepiness factor

Now could some of my crushes have actually been just me becoming attached to someone who was nice to me one (1) time? Maybe, who knows, not me

Like I said above, me identifying as greyro is more transitional as I move closer and closer to identifying as aromantic ‘cause of trauma. Was I actually always arospec but just hadn’t heard of the terms like with asexuality? I don’t know because only after everything did I come across the term and my memory is so poor that I can’t properly recall the feelings I experienced. Even the above may not be accurate because my memory’s so spotty and my mind likes to insert things that never actually happened or are wildly different from what everyone else remembers

Which sucks but I digress

So that trauma I keep mentioning. As a child that had to deal with a rough divorce, it can bring on a whole slew of issues, some of which relate to relationships. I called my parents’ divorce almost a decade before it actually happened, and watching it go downhill to the point they could barely stand to be in the same room was rough. Not only that, but I had to give relationship advice to my father, from saying that he should go through with the divorce to giving my opinion on who he should date and if he should break it off or power through a rough spot or not come home for the night. Needless to say, all that warped my perception just a bit

And while that was happening, I had to deal with my own rocky high school relationships

While I haven’t dated a lot of people, a lot of the breakups were bad. Maybe not bad right away and we’d continue on being friends afterwards, but down the line something would happen where they’d either drop all contact or blow up at me without me knowing why or realizing something was off in the first place. And paired with the after effects of the divorce, it was a bad combination

But the golden lining was a breakup so terrible that it caused my datemate to hallucinate and go into such a depressive state that I’m pretty sure the after effects still influence how they act today when it comes to relationships. The four of us talked about moving in together, having a double wedding and all that. But then one left out of the blue and the other became harder and harder to contact until there was no response. And that all happened less than a month after I finally ran away from all the bs of the divorce and my father asking for relationship advice and being dropped so suddenly after what I thought was a good breakup

And after that I can only pinpoint 2 maybe crushes around the same time less than a year later

So yeah, traumatic

But I didn’t identify as greyro yet, because I hadn’t heard of the term

But even then I told my datemate that if we broke up I will never be in another romantic relationship after them because of everything. Because I didn’t really believe in love anymore

But I didn’t identify as greyro yet, even when I had heard of the term

I thought, nah, that’s not me, because I still thought I had crushes, as few and far between as they were. Because I didn’t know there were other kinds of attraction

And then my datemate asked if I had a crush on this one person, and I said no, and I realized that was the truth. I hadn’t had a crush on them. I wanted to hold their hand and cuddle and maybe give light pecks, protect them as best I could, but it wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t the same feelings as what I remember feeling in my childhood, what I feel towards my datemate

I had a squish, and once I realized that things started making a bit of sense. There were people I wanted to hold their hand, laze around in a cuddle pile to be close to them, maybe give them quick innocent pecks because I’m touch starved and want affection. But never were the feelings romantic

If that trauma had never happened, would I still say I’m panromantic instead of bi greyromantic? Who knows, not me

But what I do know is that if something were to happen and my datemate and I were to split, that the single romantic attraction I have felt in years was severed, I’d full on say I’m aro because they are my exception

My greyromanticism is transitional. It’s not “I feel romantic attraction sparingly” or “have a hard time distinguishing platonic from romantic” or the other common definitions I’ve seen around, but rather “I used to feel romantic attraction all the time, but now only feel it towards one person and if that were to go away, I wouldn’t feel it at all”

Sometimes I doubt myself, thinking maybe I’m experiencing crushes and just don’t realize it or am in denial. But then I think about it again and tell my doubt to shut up because that’s wrong and I know it

And wow that was a lot and I’m pretty sure I spent ~4 hours writing this without realizing it. I hope this answered your question though!! Word vomiting like this helped me realize a few things myself

Also wow I need therapy more than I thought

#mail time #anonymous #ace #asexual #aro #aromantic #greyro #arospec #aspec #Anonymous

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commandercatra · 5 years

Text

Color Me Impressed (Catra x Reader)

Requested By: Me

Extra:

Horde Reader

Soulmate AU: The world is colorless until you see your soulmate’s eyes for the first time

How do you find your soulmate? Interesting question, really. Is it the fate that connects us, unseeable and unpredictable, that guides us in the right direction? Is it a pull so strong that it rivals relationships forged from love or fragile like the fights that strain them? Could it be something more obvious, something that was always there, or was it a question that was never meant to be answered?

Well, THAT was a stupid thought. Finding your soulmate was the last thing you should be doing in the midst of war. What would your former Force Captain have said? Slacking on the job again, (Y/N)? Twenty laps around the simulation room, GO! Man, you wouldn’t miss her one bit.

It wasn’t like it was entirely your fault though. Your former squad members had all discovered their soulmates at some point, leaving you in the dust. If your soulmate hadn’t been at your base to begin with, chances were that you’d never find them. No matter how many places you traveled, no one became your world. Everything was the same dreary blend of dark grays, whites, and blacks. Meeting your destined love was supposed to paint the world in ways that were unexplainable to those who hadn’t experienced it yet. The world was colorless and always would be.

You sighed, kicking your feet up on the Skip that was traveling ever closer to your new home, your new base. You were lucky you had been chosen to go, hearing this base also served as Hordak’s command center. Speaking of which, it was coming into view now. You saluted the soldier who had been tasked with your transportation, jumping off with the small bag of belongings you had and strolling up to the doors. They were strangely deserted, shouldn’t there have been a guard posted?

“You must be (Y/N).” The words startled you enough to whip around, getting into a position to defend yourself. Behind you was an almost wisp like entity. Regal robes spoke of their position of power, a mask covering their face with a single gem on it. Shadow Weaver, the commander of this base. You were about to apologize, but the mysterious woman cut you off, the black around her eyes narrowing. “You dare raise your hands against a superior? Consider yourself lucky this is only temporary. Once Adora is back I expect you to be out of here immediately.”

Okay then. You’re pretty sure the notice you received from Hordak was that this movement was permanent, but who were you to argue with your superior? She could find out on her own when this “Adora” person had no place on the squad. Nonetheless, you flashed her a respectful smile, dipping your head which allowed your eye roll to go unnoticed. “I apologize, Shadow Weaver.”

Or so you thought it went unnoticed. “I saw that.” Shadow Weaver sneered. Although you couldn’t see her eyes behind the mask, they were most likely blazing at your insolence. “I expect you ready and by the simulation room in ten minutes for training. Do not be late.” And with that she disappeared in a flurry of shadows.

...

Ten minutes had turned into at least twenty by the time you found the training room. She didn’t even give you directions to the base! You had to have ended up at the holding cells at least twice from all the new twists and turns. A spiky blue inspector looked up as you entered. His eyes lacked pupils, and he had two vests in his grasp. So, you weren’t the only one late to training, weird. “The others are already inside.” He said gruffly, shoving the vest into your hands and allowing you to suit up before racing into the room.

It was covered in trees, an uncomfortable silence stretching over you before the sound of a laser in the distance prompted you further. It didn’t take you long to stumble upon a large drone, flat and on spider like legs that towered at least ten feet in the air. It was struck by a reptilian looking creature, turning its laser onto him and firing wildly. You took those few precious seconds to snatch the staff beside a blonde casualty. His vest was marked with an X, a single eye open and observing you. “See something you like?” His freckled face grew red with embarrassment, eyes snapping shut as you laughed.

You took the next few moments to charge the drone, whacking one of its back legs with the spear crackling with electrical energy. On the leg parallel to yours was another person. Their dreadlocks swayed by how hard they swung into the drone, causing it to stumble. “You the new soldier?” She questioned, earning herself a confirming hum from you. “Cool, the name’s Lonnie. Kyle is dead and Rogelio is the lizard. Guess you’ll meet Catra later.” She spoke casually while practically dismantling the leg of the drone that was still being distracted by Rogelio, adding the last name mockingly.

“Sweet, I’m (Y/N).” You answered, making your way under the drone while it was off balance. You could feel eyes on you, probably that Kyle kid again. With a cry you drove the sparking staff into the drone’s underside, pressing harder and deeper as it began to short circuit. It only took a few moments for the crackling electricity of the staff and hole that had formed in the drone’s abdomen to cause a small scale explosion. Lonnie had blocked the leg that had flown her way while Rogelio scooped up Kyle and jumped backwards. And where did that leave you? Smack dab in the middle of the explosion. Good going, (Y/N).

The force of the explosion had luckily propelled you out from under the drone before it collapsed, but it didn’t leave you completely unscathed. You sat up with a wince, slight burn marks and forming bruises causing your body to ache. You would have to try a weapon that didn’t use electricity for moves like that in the future. You could hear Lonnie and Kyle congratulating you while you got your bearings together, only to see a pair of clawed feet come into your vision instead. You looked up at the newcomer and froze.

She was feline like, large cat-like ears sprouting from a wild mane of hair. Her arms were striped and clothes torn, as if the claws she sported on her hands and feet were anything but a fashion statement. A tail swayed lazily behind her while she held out a hand to help you up. It wasn’t all these attributes that shocked you though, it was her eyes. Two colors you had never seen before stared back as her fanged grin only widened. Blue. Your mind whispered the colors, the new information flowing into you on instinct. Yellow.

Two drastically different colors, and yet they were beautiful to you. People had said the first color you saw was the eyes, but who else was lucky enough to see two colors right off the bat? She took your breath away. You didn’t even realize the tender embrace your hand was now in, pulling you up from your seated position. “Color me impressed, soldier.” She purred, the choice of words only making sense to the two of you in that moment.

You could see colors beginning to fill your world, first spreading to Catra fully, revealing her red clothing theme and dark hair. Red. From there the color spread across the ground in a slow wave. Green. Orange. Purple. You faintly registered each color, but you weren’t focused on that. You were instead still looking to your soulmate, awestruck by her appearance. “What’s wrong, Kitten? Catra got your tongue?” She teased, lacing her fingers lightly with yours. Catra, that was the name Lonnie used. So that was your soulmate’s name.

“N-not yet, Catra.” You tried to snap back playfully, but the surprise of the situation had left you stumbling over your words. The feline girl cupped your cheeks, rubbing along them softly with her thumb. You leaned your hand into the touch immediately, earning a laugh from her. She pulled you closer to her side, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. Her tail, on the other hand, had snuggly wrapped itself around your waist.

“Come on, (Y/N).” Catra whispered, beginning to walk you from the simulation room. The sound of your name despite never having told her alerted you that she was the one who was watching you during the battle. She had seen how quickly you defeated the drone, even though you ended up hurt in the end. She lead you towards an infirmary, but instead of sending you in the arm around you only hugged you closer. “I will be treating her myself, understand? Just give me what I need.”

The workers didn’t seem to have any issue with this. You weren’t hurt too badly so it wouldn’t affect your health. Besides, they seemed to have an almost knowing look. It was common for new soulmates to be possessive of each other. You had to admit, you didn’t want to see Catra touching anyone else for that matter. She took the supplies, leading you back to the barracks where your stuff laid. She sat you on the bed, taking the seat beside you and pulling some soft wipes to gently bring over your burns, soothing them.

You let yourself get comfortable in her arms, the feline girl able to work despite the odd positioning. “You know,” Catra began to speak as she started to finish up, satisfied by how the care had went. “I was beginning to think I didn’t have a soulmate.” The words mirrored your own fear perfectly. You looked up at her despite your head laying against her chest and frowned. Her ears had fallen backwards, those unique heterochromic eyes avoiding staring into your own (E/C) gaze.

You sat up slightly, turning in Catra’s arms to cup her cheeks the same way that she had done to you in the simulation room. You rubbed them softly, earning yourself a purr of approval. “I was scared of that too.” You admitted, figuring it was a touchy subject for her to speak so vulnerable. She was so confident and leader like otherwise. “But honestly? I believe you were worth the wait. Finally speaking to you, it’s everything I could have dreamt and more.”

The purrs rose in volume, so strong now that her chest seemed to shake under the force. She pulled you more securely into her arms, her tail stretching up to brush against you lovingly. She nestled her face into your hair, her claws lightly digging into your clothes as she curled around you. The two of you decided to skip out on the rest of training, opting instead to make up for time that you hadn’t known each other. A gentle kiss on your forehead was the last thing you felt before you fell asleep in the embrace of your soulmate, Catra.

So, how do you find your soulmate? That’s easy. You’ll feel it in your heart, even if they don’t notice at first. The colors of their eyes will open new worlds for you, and you will do the same for them. Their touch will feel like safety, their words glue that hold you together. But most of all, their presence will be the one thing you can turn to in these dark times of war. It’s love.

- Catra

#she ra #she ra netflix #she ra catra #catra #x reader #catra x reader #fanfic #writing #fluff #cute #au #alternate universe #soulmate #soulmate au #spop #catra spop

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mitchsmarners · 5 years

Text

status pending.

Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier (Reddie) | Chapter One | Teen Audiences

“Hey so,” Richie cleared his throat awkwardly, hands starting to shake. “I don’t know what the fuck is happening.”

[or: Richie makes a joke. Eddie responds outside the realm of expectation and now not one person has any fucking idea what's going on at all.]

Richie Tozier tossed his duffel bag down on Stanley Uris’ front porch and gave a toothy grin. Stan looked up at him from where he was still bringing his own belongings in from his father’s mini van.“ Trashmouth Tozier. I’d almost forgotten what life was like your constant annoyance by my side.”

Richie grinned at him. “I think we both know that’s your way of saying that you missed me but you don’t want anybody to see your softer side.”

Stan rolled his eyes. “I am perfectly fine with people seeing my so-called softer side. It’s just you that I don’t think needs it- you have enough delusions on how much I enjoy your company as it is.”

Richie tossed an arm around Stan’s shoulder and kissed his cheek wetly. “I love you, too, Uris.” Stan gave the smallest hint of a smile and Richie beamed at him. “Good! I already cleared it with Went and Maggie for me to spend the night here.”

“By cleared it with, you actually told them you wouldn’t be back in town until tomorrow afternoon because there’s no way your parents would be okay with you spending your first night back in town after almost a year at my house?” Stan challenged with a smirk.

Richie tapped himself three times on the nose. “You know me very well!”

The two boys brought their belongings inside, and Stan couldn’t help himself from looking at his best friend. He hadn’t seen Richie at Christmas, his family having flown out to California for a vacation during Richie’s break rather him driving back home to cold-ass Derry for the season. He thought his friend might be a little skinner, but he may also have been a little taller, too. He’d grown his hair out since last August, the dark curls grazing at his shoulders now and there was a definite skip in the mans step. It occurred to Stan then, just looking at Richie, that Richie had grown into a man at UCLA. That air of hyperactivity and built up energy seemed to have dimmed to a simple burning charisma. Confidence was around Richie Tozier like a cape, an air of somebody who saw and experienced a true new life across the country.

Stan stopped and tugged on Richie’s arm, pulling him to stop outside Stan’s bedroom. “Hey, man. You looked good.”

Richie beamed.

They were a few drinks in, leaning against the foot of Stan’s bed while episodes of the Office played un-watched in the background. “I’m serious, dude,” Richie said, his California surfer slang seeming no longer just part of his Voices but now part of his regular vocabulary. “School is the best thing that I ever happened to me, I learned so much just like… in general. About everything.”

Stan nodded, eyes glazed over slightly as he brought his can to his mouth and sipped lightly. He could never keep up with Richie when it came to drinking, and never really tried. He always ended up drunker than his friend, either way, and it seemed Richie Tozier had learned a thing or two about alcohol tolerance while at school. “And you know what I learned… I learned, you know, Eddie, man… he’s got the right idea.”

Stan frowned. “Right idea about what?”

“Boys.” Richie said with a sigh, leaning against the bed frame while Stan choked on his drink slightly. “The first time I hooked up with a guy, my head was like… spinning. It was such a different world out there, like that stuff is totally chill. Nobody ever really questions it, I never even thought about dudes before moving because you know…. chicks, am I right? Besides Eddie, I never really looked at another dude but out there that’s totally just… you know?”

Stan narrowed his eyes, shaking his slightly while trying to sort through all the words Richie had thrown at him just then. “You… You like Eddie?”

“What?” Richie startled, eyes going wide. He opened his mouth, then shut it. “I didn’t…. that wasn’t what I was trying to say. I don’t… I haven’t seen Eddie in almost a year. We talk all the time, just like the rest of you, but we’re not… I guess I told him I like dudes when I was sort of freaking out about it, but that’s….”

Stan raised his eyebrows. “You didn’t say no.”

Richie blanched, looking wildly around the room for something that would help him out the situation his drunken brain couldn’t think through. “I don’t… I don’t know, I never…. Maybe? I guess, I mean…. I might have always had a little bit of crush on him but that’s because he’s Eddie, you know? He’s so fucking cute. That’s all it is. I’m not like… in love with the dude. We aren’t gonna get married.”

Stan giggled, pushing to his feet. “Whatever you say, Rich.” Richie stared off where Stan was rummaging through his packed boxes and frowned to himself. The dinging of his phone brought a more than welcome distraction.

How Do You Get Dick From Richard (8:11pm)

gay eddie k : honestly!!!! i just!!!! want a bf!!!!

gay eddie k: somebody boyfriend me!!!

beaverly : i’d say mood but i already have the worlds best boyfriend!

benny : i love u beverly

beaverly : I LOVE YOU BEN

Stan : Ew. Heteros.

big bill : stan is heterophobic #confirmed.

big dick rich : i’ll be your boyfriend eds

magic mike: omg

gay eddie k: ok :)

magic mike : OH MY GOD

Richie stalled for a moment, lowering his phone away from his face and looking up at Stan across the room. His best friend was tossing clothes into his drawers, re-packing up his childhood bedroom after getting home from university. Richie thought it was a little unnecessary to move his things back in, when he would be packing those belongings back up into the same boxes to go back to Georgia State in a few months. When Richie had brought these concerns up to his friends, everybody except Beverly had told him how disgusting and unhealthy it was to live out of suitcases, so he’d decided to leave that detail of his life to himself until returning to Cali in September.

“Hey so,” Richie cleared his throat awkwardly, hands starting to shake. “I don’t know what the fuck is happening.”

Stan turned around, frowning at Richie as the man’s phone began to ding repeatedly. Panicked, Richie tossed the phone to the mattress, prompting Stan to move over and pick it up. Frowning, he slowly handed the phone back to him with an obvious what have you done? look.

PRIVATE MESSAGE FROM BEVERLY MARSH

PRIVATE MESSAGE FROM BEN HANSCOM

PRIVATE MESSAGE FROM BEVERLY MARSH

“ahhhhh” Richie shouted, covering his eyes with his faces. “Stan, what the fuck did I just do? What the fuck, what the fuck.”

Stan’s eyes went wide over read over Richie’s messages.

“Did you just ask Eddie to be your boyfriend?”

“I don’t know…”

“Did he seriously say yes?”

“I don’t know!”

“Are you guys dating?”

“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!”

#reddie #reddie fic #my writing #richie tozier #stanley uris #eddie kaspbrak #status pending #i posted this when it was part of an angst story #but decided FUCK another angst story #have soft idiots instead :D

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hearteyes-for-killmonger · 6 years

Text

No Place Like Home 💜

Dedicated to @marvelpotterlove 💜 This is a five part series. Reader is a single real estate agent in Cali. Fluff, Smut, and Mild Drama included.

Word Count: Over 1,000 for sure 😂 (sorry if you aren't tagged ran out of room)

•▪• ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ •▪• ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ •▪•

Part 3: Put On a Show

With a fresh silk press straightening your mane to fall to your bra strap, you look fairly different and it's not that you don't like it, afterall it shows off your length. You just prefer your hair to be wide and full to balance out the fullness of your curves. Of course Jamira never did care for your naps. She demanded that you straighten it before her wedding and rather than argue, you just got it done. You could always wash it out. Erik went with you, calling an uber to get you to the salon. He withheld his comments, but you could tell he liked your thick cloud of coils better.. even though he'd said you look beautiful either way. Back in the room, you put your bridesmaid dress in the closet.

"It need to stay there," Erik quipped almost making you snort. It wasn't a bad dress given the circumstances, but then it was not something you'd rewear. Still, you'd paid for the dress and you planned to find an opportunity to wear it again.

"I've been meaning to ask you, is it typical for all this shit to happen three days before a wedding or were they supposed to prep some of this in advance," Erik asks poised on the higher bunk of your childhood bedroom. He's way too big for that thing. You're too big for it, but it's going to have to work for the next three nights.

"I'm not experienced with weddings so I can't really say, but I personally wouldn't wait. I don't wanna sound bitchy, but if I'm gonna host events meant to be memorable for a special day, I'm gonna put more thought into the planning so that it's not tacky and chaotic. There're enough last minute details as it is.. and I couldn't imagine rushing my own wedding activities.."

"You want a wedding?" His legs dangle off the edge as he watches you wrap your hair in the dresser mirror. Meeting his eyes in the glass, you shrug. You don't typically let your mind drift in the direction of weddings and marriage or commitments. With marriage comes the responsibility of another person's needs and desires, which isn't a bad thing.. but people get married and they're no longer themselves. They compromise and bend and sacrifice..

"I don't wanna be stagnant.. I don't want to compromise my career, my lifestyle, and all the things I've worked for to be saddled into a life with my dreams on the backburner like what happens in so many marriages. I wanna grow into myself freely.. like a bonsai that hasn't been tied down."

"Complicated answer to a simple question."

Your eyes dart to his in this mirror and they're alight with humor. He's obviously messing with you.

"Okay smartass," you smirk, "Maybe you could answer it better. Do you want a wedding?" He throws his head back in a scoff.

"I'm the one remember? I marry you. That's how this ends."

"Oh that's what we're pitching? I'm with it. When do we tell everyone we’re engaged?" You stress the last word, fanning your fingers imagining a flashy ring. Your head scarf is finally tied allowing you to face Erik fully now.

"Maybe tomorrow after tonight's show.. You up for what we discussed?"

Ha! You cackle at the thought of your family's sour faces, a wicked grin brimming from within. You can't help the shimmy of your shoulders and he shakes his head fighting a smile as the right side of his mouth quirks. The energy is contagious.

"How are we going to do this, do you beat the wall while I moan or do we both grunt close to the door like cavemen? Which way makes them think I'm getting my vagina smashed like a cupcake?"

"Well, I can make some clapping noises and talk shit and you can moan, but first we need to know if you can do a believable moan. Let me hear it."

Clearing your throat, you take a breath and he rolls his eyes.

"Uhn.. Uhn!.. Oh yeah.. Oh yeah.. Right there," you ham. It's convincing enough, at least to you, but Erik shakes his head and buries his face into his thick hands with a groan.

"This is real life sweetheart, not porn. You need to moan like a nigga up in them guts and just rippin ya shit. Channel that and try again."

Pft. If you were getting dick like that, you wouldn't be cruising pornhub. You channel your vibrator as the next best thing.

"Oohhhh... yesss" you groan and he shrugs.

"Better. Much better, but it's still weak. Keep in mind you want it to sound like good dick, so dont insult me with no lil ass baby moans."

"Okay so help me get it right so I can do you justice."

"....This ain't finna work. Change of plans." He hops down from the top bunk to sit on the bottom bed and pats the spot next to him. Once you sit, his hand hovers over the zipper of your capris, but his eyes remain on yours. "May I?" This man is bold. What ever happened to fake moans.

"I wouldn't have to if you knew how to sound like you were enjoying yourself. A little motivation might help your performance."

"You're really serious.."

"Damn serious. You'd paid $1,000 for me might as well get your money's worth."

"What is this, Pretty Woman? Are you Julia Roberts?"

"Nah, I'm prettier.. and what you got to lose except them horrible acting skills?" His head tilts.

"Wow. You're really coming for me right now."

"So return the favor." His fingers undo the button and zipper on your capris and you stare at him wondering if you should cave. This whole relationship is meant to be fake, which means the pretending portion should remain just that.. pretend. So why then are you considering indulging in these very real hoetivities? It's a strange thing. Kneeling on the floor before you, he tugs your capris off and lays them neatly over the bed.

"So we're really doing this right now and not acting? All because you think I can't act effectively?" The look on your face says 'not likely' because it's bullshit. You know it's complete bullshit. He grins widely, flashing those gold fangs like a child who got caught red-handed and you shake your head dismissively. Total bullshit.

"That smile don't work on me."

"You a gotdamn liar," he says lowly, reaching up to pull off your panties. When you don't make a move to stop him, his grin returns and he trails his fingers up your slit.

"Why are you so excited? You look like a little kid," you chuckle and his eyebrow lifts in question. He's got your thick calf over his shoulder and his fingers strum and massage the skin of your elevated thigh.

"Whatchu mean? I love eating pussy. I could ask you the same question." His thick finger pushes into you and explores before slowly pulling out and raising for you to see the wetness clinging to it.

"Why you so wet, hm? You could've just asked me for some relief. I know you attracted to me. You scared of me too?" His tone is mocking and you roll your eyes knowing that you'd have never asked him. Why would you ask him for that when he's already doing so much.

"That's so tacky and inappropriate, not to mention an opportunistic thing to do, taking advantage of your kindness and concern. Hey, I know we barely know each other and you're saving my literal ass here, but hey would you eat me out too? Thanks."

"Mhm," his this thick finger invading your lower opening steals your attention and he chases it with a second finger, stretching you sweetly from the inside. You're 88% sure he's ignored your entire speech, but at this point you don't actually care enough to protest. With a contented sigh you relax, dropping back on the bed and you can hear his quiet chuckle. It's a comforting sound. His fingers work, stroking your inner walls in a come here motion then spreading and scissoring, dancing and rubbing repeatedly against your nerve endings. You're suddenly aware of your breathing and it's hard and loud. The makings of what you know to be a high whine threatens to burst from your throat and you swallow down the obnoxious sound. When a third finger goes in, you feel yourself tense, but his strong forearms pin your thighs apart.

"Shhit," you whisper trying to pull back from his fingers. The familiar heating sensation is tightening your lower abdomen, but the stretch is a lot. You hum trying to keep yourself grounded, knowing fully well it doesn't make sense to do, not now. It's showtime. You're supposed to be putting on a show for the house.

"Let go," he says with direct eye contact and it's the permission you didn't know you needed. Panting, your back arches against his fingers and you rotate your hips riding them, spilling desperate moans into the air. The freedom is invigorating causing you to unleash completely. It's you who's in control now as he lets you use his fingers how you need and you let them plunge and stretch you freely, while you rub yourself wildly to a tensing orgasm with your eyelids tightly shut. "Hooo shit," you cry out still shuddering, but you feel at peace now. You breathe in and out to come down from your high when you feel his fingers drag out of you. Opening your eyes you see him peering down at you and his wet fingers go to his mouth, his thick pink tongue rolling over and between them suggestively before sucking away the white creamy residue. Spreading your thighs, you wordlessly make your request and his mouth drops to nip at your inner left thigh before placing wet kisses down to your outter lips. It drives you crazy.

"Erik," you plead and he places one more bite on your inner right thigh before looking up through his long dark lashes. His tongue swirls on your skin making the muscles in your vagina squeeze in jealousy.

"If you ain't shy, say what you want.. but be careful what you ask for," he challenges and there's a smile in his warning. Honestly though, fuck the warning. Since you're already hoeing, might as well get your cakes smashed. Who knows when you'll have the time again. Once you get back to Cali, it's work time and you plan to run. A hard stinging smack on your clit jolts you back to the current situation with a hard yelp and your eyes angrily refocus on Erik's.

"You can't stop them lil wheels in your head from turning, can you?" He sounds exasperated but he wears a smile. Those fangs.. next to perfect, white teeth, something you've always required of a potential partner. His long tongue snakes out and flicks and immediately your lower muscles clench. Say what you want, he'd said.

"I want you.. to put that tongue.. right here," you say pointing to your clit. He does, but then he doesn't move. Smartass. You try to move his head where you need it but he pushes your hands away. You feel yourself throb and you can't wait anymore.

"Erik, can you eat this nani or fuck me, please," you ask sweetly. He scoffs before sending another smack to your clit making it jump.

"Call me daddy and I'll give you what you want." It's a blunt order that you know you won't get pass. He's enjoying the situation way too much. He stands and adjusts himself in his pants and you know he's big. You can tell. He has big dick energy in waves. Noticing the trajectory of your eyes, he rolls his with a dry laugh.

"Okay, damn. This better be good, daddy. Fuck me."

"Mmm," he smiles pulling off his shirt. As his pants come off, your eyes roam the wonderland that is his body in awe. Not only is he jacked like a kangaroo, but he's covered in an orderly pattern of small keloids. These were all done intentionally, but why? As if sensing your question, his eyebrow raises and he drops to grab your ankles, raising them over his broad shoulders. He's obviously done talking. The wide head of his erection pokes at your eneterance and immediately your eyes widen. You knew he was big, but he feels wider than you expected. Looking down to steal a peek, you almost say 'oh hell no' but he grips your hips and pushes in deep.

"FUCK!" You shriek and breathe trying to adjust to the tight stretch. You push against his stomach since he keeps going, ignoring your scream, but he grabs your hands holding them tightly and pushing deeper until his pelvis hits yours.

"Mm. What's wrong baby?" He pulls almost all the way back and you inhale sharply before he drives back in the the hilt.

"AH F-- ERI-- SHHIT!"

"Huh? I'm digging in ya guts baby? That's what you tellin me?.. Hm?" In deep, steady thrusts he rams into you, his heavy body pushing your thighs back. His fingers reach down and spread your outer lips as he thrusts as if trying to stretch you out even more.

"Mhm," you breathe unable to speak. Your screams come freely now and he smashes his soft full lips into yours, smothering the sounds. High pitched moans pepper the air and then he hits a spot that makes you moan even higher.

"Hold it. Don't cum," he hisses. His pelvis slams into yours and his command seems ridiculous. He looks like he's about to come and it's beautiful. Of course you can't hold it and you cum. Hard. His hand wraps tightly around your throat and he continues his assault through your orgasm causing you to shake violently as his tongue rests against his top canine. Your hand reaches around his neck and he blinks surprised as you weakly choke him back which makes him pump faster.

"Squeeze harder," he growls looking in your eyes with a passionate determination. He's zoned in, his full attention on your face as it contorts in semi-painful ecstasy. He's deep and it's messing with you. It's like he has a direct line to your brain and you can't think. He squeezes harder and it almost scares you. You try to squeeze him hard enough to match. He groans and his hips swivel and flex bringing the tightening the heated feeling in your core until it snaps and you cum again. Your vision fades to black and suddenly your body is weak, refusing to move. He smacks your clit again causing it to jump and you whimper from the overwhelming feeling of excessive use.

"Shit, I'm bout paint ya fuckin walls, how you feel bout that?"

"Mhm," you sigh weakly. You're on the pill to regulate your cycle anyway so why not? Even if you weren't, the way this dick feels, you probably wouldn't have said no.. which is terrifying. His dick is definitely dangerous in that way.

"I know you tired, but give me just one more." His hips grind and he swivels inside of you with slow strokes, his finger rubbing your nub causing you to contract again amazingly with a whine and then he erupts. It's warm inside of you and he drops your legs before resting on top of you to catch his breath. When you finally look at him, he smiles and you can't help but smile with him.

"Good job.. although you probably wouldn't have performed that well if I weren't inside you," he grins smugly. You roll your eyes deeply with a groan and feel a light peck on your lips causing your eyes to pop open. He's staring down at you and it almost looks like.. Like he's..

"Wait! Are you.. are you.. falling for me," you tease. He rolls his eyes, s sitting up on his forearm and then it's your turn to wear a shiteating grin.

"Your pussy," he clarifies but there's something about the look he had that makes you think there's something more to that. Staring at him, you catch the small twitch of his mouth as the corner lifts. If you weren't staring so hard you'd have missed it. There's definitely something more to it.

"Nah," he finally grins. "I think it's you who's falling."

"And what makes you think that?"

He unexpectedly nears your face and your breath halts immediately as his lips lightly graze yours.

"Cuz.. this the most I ever seen you smile."

Well, damn.

@hold-me-like-a-heart-beat @simplyyamberr @vanitykocaine @readmywrites @bitemyxxx @stariamrry @bonita-juanita @eriknutinthispoosy @blackpinup22 @thadelightfulone @yaachtynoboat711 @youreadthatright @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @bidibidibombaclaat @priya212 @romanceoftheeveryday @muse-of-mbaku @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade @kreolemami @myboyfriendgiriboy @loosewindmill @wakanda-inspired @madbadsiren @theunsweetenedtruth @panthergoddessbast @allhailnjadaka @amethyst1993 @ange-sensuel @thehomierobbstark @purplehairgawdess @supersizemeplz @blackpantherismyish @drsunshine97 @thiccdaddy-mbaku @wawakanda-btch @killmongersmisstress @imaginewhoever @nemesispawn @niggarachi15 @hidden-treasures21 @pupyluv247 @phoenixxx1225 @violet-ines @indigoxsummers @janelledarling @imasmille @sweetsexysavagery @mermaidchansons @destinio1 @ash-moneyy @ljstraightnochaser @forbeautyandlife @iamrheaspeaks @elle-luring @yoyolovesbucky @ilovebubblesz @awkardlyabstract

#erik killmonger #erik killmonger imagine #erik killmonger imagines #erik killmonger x reader #erik stevens #erik stevens au #erik x reader #killmonger #original #erik stevens x reader #erik stevens x you #erik killmonger fanfiction #erik killmonger smut #killmonger smut

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evangelene · 6 years

Text

Strain 3.

Summary: When you have a disease that could kill you if you love someone who doesn’t love you back, you cut yourself off from the world. And then there’s the boy who throws every survival instinct out the window: and Taehyung has set his sights on you.

Hanahaki: a disease in which someone coughs up flowers when experiencing one-sided love.

Part One / Part Two / Part Four / Part Five

The moment you flushed the toilet and stepped out of the stall, Saeyoon was barreling through the door, her eyes full of rage and worry that would be a toxic mixture on someone terrifying. Sae, however, was not. On her, the anger lost out to worry and, the second her gaze landed on you, the fury was gone.

She had her arms around you as her eyes wildly searched and processed every injury they could. It wasn't long before her age showed through and her eyes filled and spilled over her cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Y/N. I'm so sorry."

Then it was you holding her, you comforting and shushing her as your gaze met your own in the dirty mirror over the bathroom sink. "It's okay. It wasn't your fault."

Her brow furrowed as her fingers gingerly touched the edge of your lip where a bruise started to blacken. "Your face." You murmured, her hand shaking. Honestly, it was convenient that the man had hit you--at least then it made it difficult for anyone to notice that some of the cuts on your face were from the roses you just flushed into the sewer system. "What else--where else are you hurt?"

You wanted to tell her everywhere; you wanted to say that there wasn't a part of you that didn't hurt--but the last thing you wanted Sae to hear on her celebratory day was that her best friend was dying. And so, you only shook your head. "I'm fine."

"Like hell you are fine!" She snapped, smacking you in just the right place that brushed your clothing over the sensitive, bruising skin of your stomach. Sae wasn't stupid, and the second she caught the tail end of your wince her hands were tugging at the hem of your shirt despite your best efforts to cringe away from her touch.

"Sae--its fine."

"I want to see what that fucker did; I want to know how brutally we will murder him."

"Sae--"

But she already had exposed the worst of it, her hands shaking on your shirt as she tucked her lips in-between her teeth and cut off her tears before they could start again. "I'm so sorry."

"Again, this isn't your fault."

Her eyes said she didn't believe you, but they also said they weren't willing to fight right now. So instead, she let your shirt fall from her grasp as she nodded to you. "Let's...let's get you home, yeah?"

You only nodded, ducking your head so your hair curtained your face from the world as she led you out of the bathroom and into the brutal reality waiting for you.

Because, it shouldn't have surprised you that Taehyung was waiting for you--but it did.

It caused you to freeze, your eyes unable to pull away from the unfamiliar person wearing Taehyung's face. There was so much anger in his eyes, in his clenched jaw and balled fists. This wasn't the smidgen of anger you'd witnessed when he was fighting with Hyeri. No, this was fury on another level. This was a version of Taehyung that felt protective--of you--and that scared you.

Because the flowers were coming and you needed to stop them.

His eyes were glued to the dried blood on your lips, the bruising marring your face. "What else." His voice was heavy, deep, dark and scary in a way the puppydog man had never been before. But he stopped himself, some of the anger dissipating in the shake of his head. "Where else are you hurt?"

"I--" You whispered. "I'm fine." But you still couldn't find it in you to move.

Saeyoon hooked her arm through yours, as if she unconsciously sensed that you needed to be held up before you collapsed entirely. "She probably has some broken ribs--her stomach...it's bad, Tae." You could feel her stare burn into the side of your face, but you ignored her. "Where'd the asshole go?"

"He slipped through the crowd before I could go after him. I was more worried about her." Taehyung's eyes bore into yours, refusing to leave for even a moment's rest.

"I'm fine." You whispered again.

Wrong answer.

"Don't say that." His voice was raised, his lip curling in a snarl. "Don't lie to me."

Pain. There was a sharp, stabbing pain in your chest and it was impossible to know if it was because of the blooms or because Taehyung was yelling at you. You needed to cough but you refused to let either sibling see you like that--it took everything in you not to break down in from of them.

"Tae--now's not the time to--

You cut Sae off, finding some of your old, inner bitch strength. "I'm not." You snapped. "I'm as fine as I can be right now considering--" Your eyes welled and you hated that he was seeing this again; you hated that he wasn't seeing the you that you always were to him. You hated that he was catching a glimpse of the girl fracturing apart and he didn't even know it--how could he?

How could he possibly know what he meant to you?

Sae's hand kept you tethered to a place, to a person, and suddenly the itch under your skin told you to run. Flee. Escape. You needed away from this man whose gaze said he wasn't going to back down.

"You don't need to be fine. I can accept you being not okay--what I can't accept is you lying to yourself, to us, and shoving us away when you need us most."

Your hands shook at your side. For once, you didn't have a snarky backlash --for once there was no way to comeback from this, no words, no phrase that could bring things back to the way they were.

You freed yourself from Sae. "I need space." You murmured, meeting his eyes, burning anger for burning fear.

I need space from you.

But, while Taehyung was smart, he was awful at reading you.

"Then we'll take you home."

"I want to be alone, Taehyung." You felt Sae's fingers linger down your arm as you stepped away from her, aiming towards the throng of people and, ultimately, the exit. "I'll text you when I'm home--I'm sorry for ruining your celebration, Sae."

"You didn't do anything--Y/N, let us--"

"Please." You whispered. "I want to be alone."

You could feel Taehyung's presence behind you as Sae gave in, his eyes on your back. "I am not letting you walk alone in the dark--not after this, not after that man--" He had to stop himself before the memories of seeing you with a fist in your gut had him punching something. "You're not going home alone."

"Yes, I am." You threw the words over your shoulder, shoving your way through the dance floor.

"No, you're not." He never let you get too far without him, matching your pace.

And, if only because, by the time you escaped the crowd, you were too tired to argue, you let Taehyung follow you. You let him walk behind you as you made your way home--he never tried to get too close, never tried to walk by your side. He only was behind you, to make sure you were safe--and, as long as he couldn't see your face, you were fine with that. What you weren't fine with was the heavy silence that seemed to hang over your head; Taehyung was a notorious blabbermouth--he never shut up. So, this sudden uncomfortable silence was too new--too strange--for you to swallow. It was far too painful for your heart already constricting around thorns.

And then, finally:

"Why are you trying to cut me out?"

It was so soft, you almost didn't hear it--but the streets were quiet and the sound was a gunshot in your ears.

You didn't say anything, just waited for him to continue--because you could tell he was going to.

"You know I'm not stupid, Y/N. I can feel you trying to get farther and farther away--and it's not like when we first met. This is different."

You could see the flower shop now, but you could also hear Taehyung running his fingers through his hair, stopping to sit himself down on a bench across the street from your sanctuary.

"You're important, you know?" His words were enough to stop you from running straight into your apartment; they were enough to have you turning to face him. "You're pretty much my best friend."

He was sitting a few feet away, but you made no effort to get any closer to him. Instead, you shoved your hands in your pockets. "Impossible." You said, and, from shouting over the music all night, your voice was far too loud for your liking. "You have too many friends to have someone like me as your best."

He looked through his fringe at you in a way that had your ribcage feeling five sizes too small for your heart.

"But there's no one else it could be."

"Hyeri?" You raised an eyebrow. "Sae? Jimin? Yoongi? Ah, what's that other boy's name you hang out with a lot--Jung...Jungkook?

"Mm." He shook his head. "They all only see bits of me. Even Hyeri--though I love her, she doesn't...she doesn't see the same things you do. There's no bullshit with you. You're honest to the point that it is brutal; but, that's probably what I need. I dream too high for my reach and I cover what I can from the eyes of people I love. But you, you somehow see through it all anyways. I know you care; I know you don't hate me. Otherwise you would punch me in the face and tell me to fuck off every time you saw me. I know it's just me considering you close to me, but, I just need you to know that you are important to me. I don't know what I'd do without you."

You tucked your lips in-between your teeth to try and disguise the smirk tugging at your lips. "I'm not going to lie--I thought about decking you once or twice. But you're pitiful enough without adding 'beat up by the school bitch' to the list."

He was laughing, but his eyes were darkly serious. "Don't call yourself that."

You stepped forward until you were standing in front of him, reaching down to pull a stray hair off his head--it was a very vibrant pink that must have come from a shitty wig someone had been wearing. "You read too much into me." You murmured. "I am nothing more than what they call me."

You stared to back away, but before you could, his hand caught yours.

"Just--nothing I say will make you believe that you are far more than what rumors spread. But, please just promise me you won't disappear. I promise I will calm down--I promise I won't be this angry version of myself. I just--I was so worried about you; it scares me to think you could be gone in an instant and I almost wasn't there to stop it."

You pulled your hand far enough to lightly squeeze his fingers before letting go entirely. "Don't let Sae and that boy get close yet; she just got out of Hanahaki--I'm not ready for her to relapse so soon." You chuckled, wincing at the pain it caused you to do so. That guy really did know how to land a hit. "You better not keep Hyeri waiting." And then, you were turning to walk across the street, disappearing into the shop fast enough that he wasn't able to realize that you never confirmed nor denied his fears.

~.~

It wasn't a surprise that, since that day, you avoided Taehyung.

You went to pretty extreme measures too, because Kim Taehyung was not one to take lightly--you never believed for a second that he was just going to let you run away from him that easily. School was taken care of first. The moment you told your professors about your strain of Hanahaki, they allowed you to get their personal notes and take your exams on the off hours when you were feeling well enough to do so. As payment for such kindness, you had to endure their pitying looks as you took your tests and handed in your assignments.

The library, your safe haven, was the next change. You had to avoid the one on campus--seeing as that was where you met the sunshine boy to begin with. But, you refused to never leave your apartment room and forgoe libraries all together. So, you took the bus to one two cities over instead. It wasn't as familiar and safe as the one at school, but it would have to do.

Anne, already knowing about your mother--your strain, your fears, your hurt--was nice enough to let you know whenever Taehyung appeared at the floral shop looking for you. If you happened to be working a shift during that time, she would quickly slip you away and give him quick witted reasons to why you weren't available. She was ruthless, and for that reason alone she reminded you so much of how your mother used to be.

His texts, calls, letters and notes that he left for you were all easily ignored, all easily thrown away and deleted.

It hurt you to do so, but, you decided that, if you were going to live, you were going to have to go cold-turkey on Kim Taehyung.

Unfortunately, as a result, Sae got the brunt of it as well. Your conversations with her became excuses and you visited her at her school once every so often if only to keep up appearances--she allowed you the time, thinking that you needed space after the assault. It helped that you assured her that you would be fine--it helped that she was fooled into believing that you needed some time to process how to deal with all of the torment of that night.

Honestly, she was a really good friend to put up with your bullshit.

And so, you returned into the shell of a human being that you once were--back before Kim Taehyung ever gasped his way into your life.

This recoil was far more painful than the first time; perhaps that was because you knew that humanity had grown on you--having friends, being close to other people. You were social by human nature, and to realize that it would never be for you was something so agonizing that half of you was willing to die to this thing called love, if only to relieve some pain.

You had pulled out your silenced phone to check the time, ignoring the missed calls and texts that littered your notification screen. If it weren't for the fact that you hung out with Sae last weekend, you were sure texts from her would be scattered in-between Taehyung's.

Why are you avoiding me?

What did that guy do to you?

I'm worried about you.

I miss you.

You had to cover your mouth with the back of your hand, screwing your eyes shut as you tried to keep the flowers at bay. But the cough was already winding its way up your throat and soon you were hacking into your fist, letting the blood splatter into your palm. You closed your fist and pressed your knuckles against your lips. Though it seemed the fit was put to rest for now, you didn't want to open your eyes for fear you'd start coughing again. Soon you wouldn't be able to hide the effects of it anymore; soon you wouldn't be able to go out in public without looking like a Hanahaki victim. It had only been a month? Maybe? You couldn't remember. Time was blurring and felt longer than it actually was.

Pain flared up in your chest as a thorn dug into the back of your throat; you had a migraine.

Packing up your things with one hand so you didn't smear blood all over your stuff, you slung your bag over your shoulder and hurried to the bathroom--leaving Taehyung's texts unanswered.

~.~

By the end of the first month, the fainting spells started.

You were unsure what caused them, but you weren't about to go to a doctor to find out. You didn't want a time limit to your life--you didn't want to know how much longer you were going to make it. It was probably something with the pain; it was probably something with how Hanahaki affected the body, the nervous system, or some other bullshit. It didn't matter.

All that mattered was that the spells started and the first time it occurred you thought that it was the end for you; you thought you were going to die. You thought that maybe those black spots in your vision were the reaper spinning in to take you away. Just like your mother, you thought you were going to die right by the fucking toilet. Except for, you'd be alone.

As per usual.

Luckily--or unluckily, depending on how you looked at it--an hour later, you woke up with a splitting headache and dry scabs starting to form in your throat from dehydration. You drank from the faucet like a dog just to clear the burn, to swallow the tail ends of petals from the last rose.

Another would bloom in its place--they always did.

They would keep blooming until one was big enough to kill you.

Eyes shut as you leaned on the sink in exhaustion, you heard your phone ring next to you--earsplittingly loud for your current migraine. In an attempt to make it shut up, you accidentally hit the answer button. At first, you thought you succeeded. There was silence; and then:

"Y/N?"

Your eyes shot open as you stared at your phone, lips parted to speak but your brain refused your body.

"Y/N? Can you hear me?"

You ended the call before you did something stupid, before he heard another cough start. The emptiness in your throat caused you to turn to the toilet to vomit up lunch you didn't have yet.

As you gripped the edge of your toilet seat with white-knuckled hands, you realized that cutting Taehyung out of your life was easy; cutting him out of heart, however, was going to be harder than it sounded.

~.~

A month and a half in, Saeyoon found out.

It was supposed to be like any other time you hung out--she was going to show up at your place with food and a movie. As a result, you had prepared in advance. You made sure to clean every trace of flowers from your place and leave the rooms spotless. There would be no bloodstains, no empty boxes of tissues and cartons of ice cream. It would look as it always had before you contracted your Hanahaki. You had been sweeping the dust bunnies off your floor, no warnings, nothing.

The next thing you remembered was waking up to the sound of her screaming.

Your eyes fluttered open as she fell to the ground beside you, her hands shaking but unable to touch you for fear of injuring you. Unfortunately, you weren't able to move fast to silence her worries, instead you only let out a groan, frowning at your hand still clutching the broom for dear life. You wanted to be strong for her, but it was always difficult when the spells snatched you out of nowhere.

"Y/N." She whispered, her eyes wide and reddening quickly in a way that had you slowly bringing your hand up to slap over her mouth.

"You're too loud." You murmured, brow furrowed. "I have a headache." And then you were sitting up, clutching at your forehead as you ducked your head into your chest to try and cool the nausea spinning red hot in your throat. "Could you get me some water?"

"Y-Yes." She was on her feet quickly, the fear calming down (though not gone) as she came back with an overfilled mug of water that practically soaked you when she placed it in your hands.

You took a long swig, soothing some of the ache before a conversation you were not ready to have.

Her eyes scanned your face, lingering on your mouth until you visibly saw the pieces click together in her head. And then angry Sae was rearing her face in a way that would have scared you and made you feel like you were losing her if it weren't for the fact that her anger came from a place of worry.

"How--" She had to look to the side to stop a snarl, shaking her head as she steeled her gaze with yours. "How far along are you?"

"A month, I think." You murmured, nodding to yourself. "Maybe a month and a half."

"And you didn't think to tell me?" Her voice cracked and you could tell she wanted to crash back down next to you and hug every flower from your lungs, but she was holding herself back out of anger, or maybe out of fear that she would unintentionally hurt you.

"I didn't want you to worry. I--"

"So me finding out by coming in and thinking you're dead is better?"

Your hands were shaking; you had to rest your elbows on your knees before you wound up dumping water all over yourself. "I don't know, Sae. What do you want me to say? Do you want me to--what do you want me to do? Whether you knew or not didn't change anything." You felt the tears drip onto your hands; you hadn't even realized you'd been crying until then and you hurriedly tried to wipe away what you could. "I was scared--I--I am scared." Your voice went up an octave as you tried, and failed, to keep it all in. Briefly you wondered how pathetic you looked from her point of view as you tilted your head up to meet her gaze, half sobbing half laughing. "I don't want to die, Sae--I'm not ready yet. There's still so much I want to do. I thought that, maybe, if I didn't tell you it wouldn't be real."

Her arms were around you in an instant, cradling you into her as if that would allow her to absorb some of your pain. "You're not going to die--I won't let you." She whispered. Though she was trying to be strong, you could feel dampness leeching through your hair where her cheek met your head. "It--" There was a pause as she licked her lips, trying to be tactful about it but she ultimately gave up on the idea entirely. "It's Taehyung, isn't it?"

You closed your eyes, fingers digging into the ceramic mug. "I want to hate him. He was never supposed to get close--he was supposed to just go away."

"It's my fault--if it wasn't for me barging in that day, you would--"

"It's no one's fault but my own, Sae. I'm the one that went and got feelings. I don't regret meeting you--hell, I don't regret meeting Taehyung. I just...I just wish that I could hate him."

"Did you see a doctor--maybe they have something..." But she knew best, after all, she had Hanahaki before you. She knew the answer, but blind hope was easier than admitting a truth; so you went with her, because you weren't ready to accept your fate yet either.

"The clinic gave me medication to improve my immune system. They said that, this way, I'll be able to recover from my fainting spells better. It'll help heal up the inside wounds so that I don't lose too much blood at one time."

"They'd never seen a rose strain before, have they?" She whispered.

"No one has. The last known case was four years ago in a small town in China."

The doom of your words hung in the air between you before you both tried to shove the fear under the rug and continue on. You had to continue on. You just had to.

"We'll get you over this--we'll get you over him. I'm not going to let this all end here; I worked too hard and lived too long to meet you to lose you this soon." She swallowed, squeezing you tighter. "So please, promise me that you won't keep anything from me anymore--promise me you won't try to shut me out."

You turned to bury your face into Sae's shoulder, wiping the tears from your face with her shirt. "I promise."

~.~

Another month, and then another, and you were so stagnant that you thought that maybe you had a chance. Maybe you would actually pull through this all.

And then you were forced to go to the hospital because blood refused to stop pouring from your mouth after you ripped out a chunk of a rose stem from your throat. Sae was at your place within five minutes of your SOS text, face red and breath heaving as she wrapped an arm around your shoulders and led you to a car you didn't know she had.

"It's not mine." She said at your questioning look as she tapped your hands up to keep them solidly holding onto the plastic cup you were using to avoid drooling blood everywhere. "It's Taehyung's."

You choked, fingers digging into the sides of the cup as you stared at her once again, eyes boring holes into the side of her face until she answered yet another unspoken question.

"He's--" Sae sighed, pressing her lips into a line that signaled that there was more to her home life than she was letting on. "Let's just say I have to keep lies for the both of you. He misses you though, which I'm sure you've seen in his texts. He never shuts up about you--which annoys Hyeri endlessly."

Before you could give her another pointed stare, she continued.

"Look, I get why you dropped him, and I'm not saying this because I want you to feel guilty. As a friend, I just want you to know that, for me, it's hard to be in the middle of this."

You reached out to rest your hand on her arm, squeezing gently. A part of you contemplated talking, but the last time you did you sprayed blood on the backside of your door.

"It's not your fault; none of this is anyone's fault. It's Hanahaki."

"Hanahaki is natural--it's a disease; it's no one's fault."

It was a longer car ride than either of you anticipated, and slowly you could feel your strength draining out your mouth. By the time you got to the hospital, you were a ghost in human skin. The moment the receptionist saw you, you were whisked away to the ER where they gave you a mini-transfusion and a nice IV with the promise that you could leave if you let them dope you up with a treatment they were working on. It was semi-experimental, entirely safe, but they wanted to see how it worked on increasing the strength in "terminal" Hanahaki cases. Essentially, you let them dope you up with vitamins in order to avoid an overnight stay.

Part of you wanted to ask what the point was in increasing the strength of someone who was going to die anyways, but they'd shoved cotton in your mouth to stop the blood flow. All you got out was a sassy scoff and a wave of nausea.

Turns out, the hospital wasn't full of as much bullshit as you originally thought. The treatment worked well--for a while.

You went from passing out three times a week to once a week.

And then, within a month, you were back up to three a week--then six, and then seven. Soon, your fainting spells became akin to clockwork. Anywhere from 2:19 to 3:47pm you had the possibility of hitting the floor, unconscious. The first day that it occurred twice within that period of time was when Sae decided she was going to take you back to the hospital for a second shot at that treatment.

It didn't work twice.

~.~

The inevitable was bound to happen.

After all, the two of you attended the same college and, seeing how you were best friends with his sister, it didn't surprise you that, one day, you were going to see Taehyung again.

Three and a half months into your Hanahaki, that day came.

Technically, he was the one to see you first. If it had been you, you would have ran the other way and gone home immediately before he even caught wind of you. You weren't that lucky.

You had just gone to the campus library to return very overdue books, namely because you didn't have a choice--you weren't looking to pay the steep fees that came with being extra, extra late on your returns. Unfortunately, for you, it was the library where you first met Kim Taehyung; and god were you hoping that you wouldn't run into him.

That, obviously, was a hope that was quickly smashed into the ground when a hand closed around your wrist like a cuff and dragged you away from the dropbox just as you dumped your last book down the chute. You barely had time to wheel your feet underneath you properly before "leading you" away turned into "dragging you" away. When your eyes finally processed the back of your kidnapper, your teeth grit together on a petal, set on chewing it rather than letting him see signs of Hanahaki fall past your lips.

"Where are you taking me?"

"Somewhere quiet." His voice was short, softer than it used to be, and with a husk that you swore he didn't have before. But, maybe, being away from him for so long was making you imagine things. There were a lot of things about Taehyung that you didn't remember, but you had never made it a point to memorize his face. It wasn't like you were planning on falling for him to begin with.

It just happened.

"Why?"

He didn't look at you, and part of you was terrified that he was so mad at you that he wanted to officially end whatever fucked up friendship the two of you had--the other part of you told yourself that this was what you wanted. This was what you needed to get over him. But the other part was fucking awful at consoling the way it hurt every fiber of your being to imagine a life without Taehyung in it.

But Taehyung wasn't mad, no--that would have been easier than what he actually was. Kim Taehyung only knew how to be two things: happy, or sad. When he decided that the empty campus park was the perfect place to talk, he turned to face you with those damn glassy, red-rimmed eyes of his. Mad was an emotion that he reserved for the lowest of the low.

You hadn't reached that point yet.

His eyes scanned you, fully processing this version and comparing it to the one he used to know. You could see his worry created a crease between his brows.

"You've lost weight."

"You too." You murmured, nodding to his drooping shirt. "What do you want?"

"You--" He let out a breath that he must have been holding in for a while. "I haven't talked to you in months--you avoid my texts, calls--Anne won't let me past the door. Sae says you're fine, that you just need space--but you don't even come to class." He ran his hand through his hair, distracted by the way his hand felt around your wrist. "You're too thin, this much weight loss this quickly isn't healthy."

"Taehyung,"

"No--don't give me that 'Taehyung' like you're going to start listing all the reasons why you've been doing this. I don't want to hear that. I want you to explain to me why you've been avoiding me and only me. Did I do something wrong? I know you weren't the fondest of me to begin with but I wasn't lying when I said you were so important to me."

"I--" You tried to find the proper words, string together the right lies that would make sense in this context. But every straw you drew was a blank and nothing was matching up; Taehyung was smarter than the bullshit you could spew to him. "I didn't want you to see me breaking." You said finally; which wasn't a total lie.

He furrowed his brow on you, shaking his head. "That's what friends are for, Y/N. That's what I'm here for is to be there for you, you can rely on me."

"No." You murmured. "You're not. You're there to bring smiles and shit rainbows. You're there to make me believe that the opposite sex has something going for it--but that night. The things--I was afraid I would see him in you." Yes. Good lie, go with that. "I was afraid I would start hating you."

"Is that all?" He let out a breath of relief, something that must have been building within him for the past three and a half months. What released from him was something dangerous and fearful that had you shoving petals between your teeth and cheek. "That's all."

You nodded--the simple act a catalyst to the end. It was like you broke something in Taehyung that told him to stand back, to be anyone but himself around you. Suddenly his arms were folding you into his chest, holding you so tight that you thought he might break you. It would be a death fitting for you, a death you were willing to accept because you were once again reminded of how freaking safe Kim Taehyung felt.

"You're so thin."

"I've been battling demons." You chuckled, patting his back lightly in an attempt to get him to loosen his grip on you just a bit. "But I'm getting better; a lot better now actually. I guess I needed to see your stupid face after all."

His breath tickled your ear, sending a shockwave of goosebumps up your spine and across your arms. "I missed you. So much."

And then, Taehyung's body shook with a cough and he was forced to let go of you--turn away from you.

"Let's just say that I have to keep lies for the both of you."

He hacked into his elbow, eyebrows knitted tightly together under his fringe. When the fit was over, he shifted and lifted his face just enough to meet your gaze.

A trail of yellow petals scattered around him and onto the grass between your feet.

Your eyes were glued to the petals, wide and frozen in a way that you had never been before. For once in your life, the images of your dying mother didn't come out of fear for losing your own life--it came out of fear of losing his.

"Sunflower?" You hated the way your voice cracked, your mind scanning through all of the Hanahaki text you read, trying to pluck Sunflower from the list of strains you knew of--but nothing was coming up. Everything was jumbled in your brain, like all that you knew was thrown into a blender without a lid, staining the ceiling. Were sunflowers a killing strain? Could people die from it? How rare? How deadly?

How painful?

"Yeah, there's a lot you missed." He chuckled, but it didn't reach his eyes. Before your mind could drive you insane with all the possibilities, Taehyung had your hands in his grasp once more. "Stop worrying; it's not a killing strand."

"How rare?" You whispered. "What's the death count--Taehyung I can't remember what--"

His hands shifted to your shoulders, forcing you to look up at him instead of wallowing in a whirlwind of thoughts going nowhere but to a fiery hellpit of fear and worry. "Y/N, calm down. Unless I am allergic to sunflowers--which I am not--I will not die from it. You won't lose me, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

Your body must have visibly relaxed, because Taehyung was chuckling, his forehead dropping to touch yours in a way far too intimate for your Hanahaki heart to handle; but you managed just fine--if only because it seemed like he needed this moment more than you needed to escape it.

"But it's still painful, isn't it?"

You heard it more than saw it at first. You figured he was like you; he didn't want people to see him break, so you didn't want to look. But, apparently, Taehyung was completely fine as long as it was you. Because, when he tilted his head, his eyes were watering, his lip trembling as he tried to speak. "She--she--" And it was then that you watched the man that pulled you from the shadows--however forcibly--break. You watched the man that only ever wanted love, the man that you knew who loved a woman so unconditionally that he didn't seem to care or notice when age rotted her, break. "She found someone else--that night. They--they were friends at first. But I--it wasn't you--I was worried and she--I wouldn't stop--I'm so stupid. She said that we changed too much. She changed too much. It's not you it's me." He was making fractured sentences, unintelligible interpretations of her voice that fell into sobbing gibberish as his head dropped to your shoulder and this time it was you who became his snot rag.

You felt your own Hanahaki burn in the back of your throat--that familiar stabbing, stinging pain from a new bud forming. There would be a new flower you would cough up at home alone at three am when breathing was hard but bleeding was worse, but for once, that wasn't important. He was.

Because you loved him.

You honestly and truly loved Kim Taehyung.

You gingerly brushed his hair off his forehead, surprised at the sheer amount of sweat gathered there. Steeling yourself, you straightened your back and forced yourself to be stronger than you ever were. "You need to cough up what you can." You murmured, cradling him to your chest like a child. "Drink some hot beverage, have something to suck on. It'll be okay Taehyung, we'll--we'll get you through this. We got Sae through it together; I know that we can do the same for you."

He hiccupped into your shoulder, a fresh sob breaking something more fragile than hand-blown glass inside you. "Why? Why you? When you wouldn't talk to me--I didn't know what I would do without you. I was so scared...Y/N...I--"

The petals in your throat were forced down with a fresh wad of spit and you chewed on the inside of your cheek to stop from coughing up bloody rose petals on his head. "I'm sorry, Taehyung. I'm so sorry. I was just--I just never wanted you to see me as anything but the person that you always knew. I just needed some space and some time, it was never you. Me. It was because of me. You have to know that." You pressed your lips into a line, your lungs lacking enough oxygen with the rose blocking your airway--somehow, without coughing, you managed to get through it. If only because Taehyung needed you to get through it, and, for now, that was enough. "I don't need it now--I don't need any more space."

"Thank you." He murmured into your shirt. "Thank you, god. Thank you, thank you."

You swallowed the tears, the thorns, the roses and all of their stupid fucking leaves just to squeeze a hug around the giant baby in your arms.

Later that night, you would have to cough up a rose in your foyer and, after a moment of nausea and a glass of water, you would have to figure out how to clean dried blood off your floor. But that was later.

For now, Taehyung was the only person in your world.

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mari-vargas · 3 years

Text

Let’s start these story times with something that may be considered a rant (sorry to anyone who actually decided to read these this probably isn’t my best example and was never something anyone said “you should write a book” about). (Edit: an actual story eventually popped up)

I never cared about the whole “social ladder” or whatever you personally know it to be called. To be fair I didn’t have a whole lot of experience with an actual proper social ladder. (Stories about my weird schooling will probably follow eventually, but in the meantime since I’ll be focusing on high school just know that I went to what I’ve dubbed a school for nerds.)

In high school, my lack of care about the entire social hierarchy was simultaneously more obvious and less of a line in the sand. I’d experienced cliques before and had never cared to be dragged into their drama (cue story about 6th grade and losing both of my only friends), but they had always been “either you’re cool or you’re not” and I just never was because of a multitude of reasons. High school on the other hand had very obvious “A-listers”, “B-listers”, “C-listers”, and even some other dubious categories on the social ladder. They weren’t...the same as at other schools (my experience of which was through movies and shows, and stories from my older sister which...couldn’t really hold water because of her accidental lack of awareness and understanding of social norms). By my understanding, top of the ladder would be the jocks and cheerleaders, and bottom would be the nerds and geeks.

So imagine a school in which you only have the section of the social ladder dedicated to the nerds, with no sports and the teams everyone was rooting for were robotics and mock trial, with debate and speech teams occasionally getting the odd mention. That’s it right? One big group of nerds, end post.

Except it’s not. Suddenly there’s a new delineation between who’s cool and who’s not. You’ve now got a very familiar social hierarchy, without the familiar categories. I’m not even sure how to describe the new structure. I could say the theater kids were at the top, then the athletically inclined, the technological gods, and so on and so forth...but that wasn’t really quite what made it so definitive. You could clearly see the different levels everyone was at, and maybe it’s because I never cared enough to figure it out, but I could not tell you what exactly made one person be so clearly at the top and another be a wannabe second rate attempt.

Regardless, I had so decisively declared that I’d not ever bother trying to grab a single rung of that social ladder, and was quite comfortable sitting at the bottom of the well thank you very much, that it provided me with some rather surprising perks. I was essentially neutral ground. I’d received probably the least amount of bullying in my entire life, and pretty much my only exposure to drama was when someone needed a break from it. Actually, a big point that last part is. Starting halfway through sophomore year I wound up making a lot more friends than I’d ever had in my entire life combined (story on factors that played into that to come later on because it’s not simple). We’re these people also against the social hierarchy? Or perhaps had they been shunted to the bottom rung perhaps? Not at all actually. They came from almost all levels of the ladder and heck I could even have casual conversations or even have my opinions be listened to and taken into consideration by A-listers. Somehow I’d managed to have ears everywhere, and I got to know about everything that was going on without having to be involved. I even managed to use this a couple of times (often by accident to be completely honest) to help my friends or their friends with whatever situation they were in.

Okay but the best advantage from all of this? One I NEVER would have seen coming? Was the way my apparent reputation played a roll in the utter destruction of rumors about me before they’d ever even reached my ears. (Ps did not expect to include this story here but I think anyone who got through all of that deserves an actual story from me.)

It was my senior year of high school. My ex had broken up with me in the last week of the prior school year, and within the first month of the new school year started dating a freshman (he was a junior and therefore my age, story on that later). Now this freshman...was perhaps way too much like my ex, which might be okay on paper but in reality was a pit of poisoned spikes poorly disguised by a leaf tarp but my ex (in this analogy) had poor eyesight. Eventually he had the thought “hmm this was a Bad Idea” and—I’m not entirely sure about this part—probably had started to mildly distance himself from her. Or perhaps had simply decided to spend more time with his friends (probably even with her present to not distance her, but again I don’t actually know). For all I really know who could actually just be a huge idiot and started complaining about her “faults” (which he shared but absolutely did not see in himself) and maybe even threw in a comment about me (wouldn’t be surprised, but that’s a whole different story that I just so don’t want to get into). Regardless of what exactly happened, she had apparently determined me to be a threat to their continued relationship and sought to ruin me socially.

Yes I really did just say that.

Miss freshman tried to discredit me, a senior who had well established just how much I didn’t care about my social standing. Actually to be perfectly honest if any of her rumors had lasted—or been true—I probably would’ve been seen as cooler than I actually was.

The first rumor actually managed to get spread around quite a bit. Her “friend” had supposedly told her that they’d seen her boyfriend making out with me on this third floor landing that only served to hold the door to the roof of that particular building. It was actually a well known place I could be found, sometimes with people sometimes alone, and was also known as a frequent make out location due to its size and odd location making it fairly isolated from traffic. I think I heard about this one just before it got shut down by my friends and some of their friends (and a couple more orders removed) due to their knowledge of how I felt about unfaithfulness (yet another story for another time).

It kept going in similar veins for a while, each time getting ramped up a bit more to where even people who’d only ever seen me passing by and hadn’t even heard a thing about me were a bit dubious about the truthfulness of the rumors.

Everything came to a head with her final desperate attempt. This time, she was saying her “friend” had told her they’d seen her boyfriend having sex with me in the back of my car out in the school parking lot. (Just as a note, even the friend was apparently trying to distance themself from that one.) From what I heard it hadn’t even made it past the first person before it got called out, shot down, neutralized, whatever your favorite description might be. But the best part was that I got to witness the leader of the senior class A-listers shut down Miss Freshman and point out how laughably flawed her rumors were and that if she’d wanted anyone to actually believe them for more than an hour she should have picked a different target.

There’s probably a lot of reasons why this one rumor in particular was so obviously fake to literally anyone (not the least of which had to do with my realization almost a year after this incident that as it turns out I was likely Asexual or at least gray-asexual), but honestly one of the ones I was told was that it incurred way too much drama. I was WELL KNOWN for literally walking away at the first sign of unnecessary drama, at the least. (Ps being a drama queen and getting involved in drama are two vastly different things just so we’re clear in case that ever comes up.) Why do such an act in a location where it could be spotted when there were so many more private locations? Pretty much the only reasons could be hormone driven (which apparently even without a reason or even with the most simple reason (evidence: my niece) was easy to spot as un-fricking-likely) or to stir up drama. Like I said even people who did not care one iota about me knew the falsehood of the rumors (or I suppose at least that one) and we’re pretty much just done with her bs at that point.

She learned her lesson and stopped trying her bs against me, especially when she realized I genuinely had zero interest in dealing with that guy again anytime soon (emphasis on anytime soon, but that eventually changed to ever). She was however much more successful of spreading rumors about her new ex about a month or so later because 1) they weren’t so blatantly false to the person they were against and 2) her audience was no longer the student population. He wound up expelled and had to talk to police at least once that I can remember.

So ya...wildly different from where this post started but I guess take that however you decide to about the way these posts will go...

#story time #mari’s life #life with mari #story ideas #story prompt #if you choose to take it that way #social hierarchy #high school #rumors #wow I’m sorry

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ireneinisolation-blog · 4 years

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3/21 - Podcasts

Late start again today... I guess I am finding occasional ways to occupy myself during the day even if it doesn’t involve any social interaction :(

So going light here again, and maybe shorter than the dreams one, but also maybe not.

I am a podcast enthusiast to say the least. On a normal day, when I’m not in semi-quarantine, social isolation, distancing, whatever the fuck you call this craziness, I listen to many podcasts. While I work (I still get shit done), while I run, while I clean, while I get ready in the morning, etc. Constant podcasts. They keep my hyperactive brain under slight control. Interestingly, I’ve been listening to fewer recently since locked inside all the time. I don’t know what to make of it. It’s like I’m trying to concentrate on the current moment, despite my better judgement that tells me that I absolutely should not concentrate too hard on it or I will be instantly depressed. Anyway. I guess that’s just a bizarre side note of the moment.

Normally, I listen a lot. And I have a lot of favorites. Against my better judgement, I listen to a lot of crime podcasts. They almost always bum me out, but I just can’t stop myself. The rest of my taste in podcasts is less problematic. The first time I really got into listening to a podcast was with Serial. The second one was Reply All. The latter has remained an all time favorite. Another more recent favorite - perhaps my absolute favorite at this time, is a science podcast called Ologies. I have things to say about both of these podcasts now. I’ll probably have more in the future as well.

Reply All A podcast about the internet, and a delightful one at that. One bit that they do now and then is what they call “email debt forgiveness day” where you can reply to that old email that you have waited WAY too long to get to, then it got awkward, then you just decided that socially it would be better if you didn’t reply at all. But email debt forgiveness day removes the awkward. You can pick up where you left off and just be like “sorry, been meaning to write this for ages” and that’s that, it’s all good. I’ve been thinking about this idea recently because it seems like this whole social distancing/quarantine thing is just nudging us all towards an all day, everyday kind of email debt forgiveness “day” (eternity). Should I write to that guy who I worked with in college and now we live in different countries? Probably. What about that girl I was friends with throughout high school and into college until we both got too busy and just dropped the ball simultaneously? Yeah, I think so. What about girls who I played soccer with when I was a kid? Or people who I lived with when I was studying abroad? Okay, let’s not get too carried away. I need to still *desire* contact with the people I’m reaching out to (which includes some people mentioned above but not all). Anyway, this will be an interesting opportunity to digitally reconnect with anyone that I feel like reconnecting with. It’s interesting now as that begins to happen more, as the walls of normal social behavior seem to be blurring. It is an odd experience for everyone, EVERYONE, all over the country and really the world to be experiencing this same external threat at the same time. I know we have different smaller related issues that we are dealing with (medical issues that contribute to extra fear of the virus, loneliness, childcare, job security, etc.) but the overarching issue is one that we are ALL experiencing. Maybe it can bring us together yet, even as we all shelter from each other at a distance. Happy email debt forgiveness ETERNITY!

Ologies I love this podcast. And I try to push it on everyone I know, as well as a number of people I don’t know all the time. Basically, each episode is a different topic, a different interview with a different “-ologist” explaining their field of study and research, work, etc. It is truly a gem. A couple episode I’ve been thinking of recently: Quantum Ontology to talk about “what is real??” In said episode, interviewee Dr. Adam Becker shoots down the idea/bullshit claim that some people make that we could all be living in a simulation. He explains that this is an extremely “white man” interpretation of civilizations because to make that claim you assume that all societies inevitably go through the same steps that our current western civilizations have gone through, and that they are all aspiring to the same goals. However, just because the West in this day and age was brought about the way that it is largely because of the white patriarchy does not mean that all societies would inevitably lead in this direction. Even if we look at examples beyond the West or we look instead to women to lead our societies, would “simulation” still be something seen as so likely for our societies to aim for? Probably not. Anyway, I’ve been reading a lot recently - against better judgement - on predictions on how this virus is going to play out and what will happen to society afterwards. And Jesus H. am I bothered by what I’ve read. For one, it is absolutely insane for anyone to think they know what is on the other side of this. I know it is just a prediction, but if you feel the desire to get a piece published about your bummer predictions about how the world is ending, just think again and DON’T. It isn’t useful to have someone say that things are going to turn out horribly because it doesn’t motivate people to do any better. Sure, the virus is it’s own thing. But we do have control over the politics and the economics to an extent. Hell, even the virus we have control over some science, even if the virus got a head start. I keep reading things that say shit about how we’re going to become a more nationalistic society after this (wtf, how do you even figure?) or that even though emissions have gone down in some places as the virus has gotten really bad, emissions will actually be worse later (that one is a real weird prediction because for that prediction to be true, disruption from the virus will need to be short enough that when we return to our normal lives, everything quickly becomes business as usual plus a desire to travel and consume even more. In my brain, this doesn’t make rational sense. Yes, it could happen, but there is not enough evidence that it will to bother making it into a prediction). I’ve seen similar articles over the past few months and years regarding climate change. Predictions that the climate will get way worse and there is no point hoping for anything else because we’re not capable of restructuring society to prevent the climate from suffering. That is a bullshit way of thinking. Fucking stuffy old white men who have such a limited range of thinking that if they don’t personally have any ideas of how to make things better than it must be that nobody does. Movements make change. These stuffy old men just favor status quo and bureaucracy. But the outcomes can be different if we allow the process to get there to be different. Well this has been a rant. The conclusion here is that predictions about the future anytime, but especially now, make me very angry. Now is not the time to have a narrow idea of possibilities for the future. We need to think widely and wildly about ways that society can be rebuilt after this. Nationalism, right winged bullshit, xenophobia, rigidity are not the only ways for us to regroup after a crisis. Equality, opportunity, collaboration. These are the ways that we can come out of a crisis and form a society that was better than before. And I can’t be the only one dreaming of this as an option. We can build a better future.

The other, considerably less heavy episode of Ologies that I have had on my mind recently is the Sexology episode! The episode is a delight, though the thing I want to note is not strictly sex related. Interviewee Shannon Boodram at one points talks about how we need to appreciate our bodies, and even when we are out and about and doing things, and not in any kind of a private, sexual setting, we should enjoy having our bodies. I think she mentions something about stroking your arms or something. I can’t remember, it’s been a while. Normally I’d say “well let’s try not to look like too much of a crazy person while ‘enjoying our bodies’ in public” but hey! I’m not in public now. I am mostly just in private all the fucking time. And when I am in public, on walks and such, frequently there is nobody around. So I guess as long as we are doing this whole social distance thing, we should all enjoy our bodies (as many of the other pleasures of life are stunted at the moment). Stroke your arms or legs or whatever! Be thankful for your toes. Give yourself a head massage - whether you’re on your couch or on a walk surrounded by absolutely nobody. Appreciate your body - whether it’s PG or not ;)

I’m sure I’ll have more on Ologies another time. For example, there is a two part episode on bats, which is relevant as people freak out about bats having given us coronavirus. However, the real issue is that we as humans have been invading their habitat (and don’t blame China!) There’s also a different two part episode on fear... which seems rather relevant right now. Is there anyone out there who hasn’t had at least one anxiety-induced nervous breakdown and/or panic attack since going into semi-isolation whatever? I myself have had many a nervous breakdown in the last week. It’s unpleasant. Maybe I should spend more time appreciating my body. Anyway, you’ll read more on Ologies later. For now, go take a listen.

Daily updates.. daily updates... Went to the store today in the afternoon. Actually just went for a walk but brought my bags in case I wanted to go to the store. The parking lot was very mild, so I went in. Honestly, I haven’t been into a store so empty in a long time. There were other people, just not crazy and it was very nice. I guess everyone expects Saturday afternoons to be busy or to be all out so they think it is not worth it to go. Meanwhile, I passed the store yesterday on a walk and the parking lot was PACKED completely. Weird.

Some stuff was still bare in the grocery store, but I found most of what I was looking for minus the black beans. Got many vegetables, some fruit, some eggs, some rice, some candy. The essentials. It’s still a real weird energy in stores though. There were a lot of young people who didn’t seem too anxious (about the virus anyway) - or maybe I’m reading into their actions too much. A few people went out of their way to not let anyone else in their 6 foot area. I try a bit without being crazy. Sometimes you can’t help it because that’s how aisles work. Both the cashier and the bag boy weirded me out a little, though maybe I’m being irrational like the rest of the crazies out there. The cashier coughed - just once, hardly a sign for alarm, but she was handling my groceries and it’s not preferable. The bag boy was sniffing a lot. Which was really not great, especially as he was touching all my good a lot, even after I asked to finish it up myself and he didn’t take that direction very well and decided to keep touching everything. Frustrating. It’s weird though the desire to blame someone if and when we get sick. With coronavirus or with anything else. You think, oh, I woke up with the flu today and I know that one person at work has the flu, or that lady on the bus was coughing, I bet it was her. To some extent, I would defend the fact that I blame the people who I think give me viruses because to some extent it seems to be the result of other people being irresponsible and showing up places when they should be home or not having good enough hygiene. But the thing is, viruses move. They are seeking new hosts, and they exist and survive because they move around in sneaky ways. Plus this current virus is extra tricky because the incubation period is so long and so many people are exposed from touching surfaces. So if I show symptoms in two weeks time of this new virus, will I look back and blame the sniffling bag boy (it’s not like I’ll ever find out if he gets diagnosed) or will I just need to accept that it is a sneaky little dick of a virus, and that I could’ve just touched a door at my apartment and not washed my hands well enough after or maybe the virus was already lurking on some produce that I bought. In a situation like this, blaming doesn’t seem right... except for blame on the government, and honestly many different governments. Why must they all suck as this crucial moment when they need to get shit done??

Alright, well I guess that ended on a low point. Again. My rants get away from me. It’s past midnight now (hey, it is the weekend and my sleeping schedule is always off on the weekend), but maybe I’ll take a shower before bed. It’ll remind me to enjoy having a body :D

Good night!

#coronavirus diaries #covid diaries #covid-19 #diary #podcasts

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circular-time · 7 years

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[Do you think it's possible to write an alien character (like Nyssa especially) too alien? I know one of her flaws is that she's unfamiliar with Earth humor and culture, but I feel like it's a bit hard not to write her well, too alien and unaware. (to the point she may as well be an Expy of Starfire, the alien-princess girl from the Teen Titans cartoon/comics) '

Not familiar with Teen Titans (expy means a character deliberately copied (exported) from an older book/comic/film, only with the name and a few details altered to avoid lawsuits, like the Jamie-expy in Outlander. But I know what you meant: try “same archetype” instead, maybe).

But yes, it’s a fine line between acknowledging the fact that an alien species from a different planet may have brains that honestly don’t work like human brains, so they’ll never understand us, and that humor is often the hardest thing to translate even among different Earth languages and cultures, versus making a character unreasonably stupid, clueless and inflexible, so that they never figure out how to adapt to new social patterns, customs and environments.

E.G. We have a culture with cars and trains and vehicles, supermarkets and banks. But I know another world right here in the U.S.: trailriding. Cattle drives died out generations ago, but starting after WWII (or possibly earlier), cowboys began taking sport hunters and fishermen and later nature lovers along on the old cattle trails, riding by day and camping each night, carrying supplies on pack mules and supplementing food by fishing in mountain streams. I’ve done it for up to two weeks when I was younger and could still sleep on a camping mattress (riding was easier for me with my arthritis than walking, and I could go places I’d never see otherwise).

On some trips we’d have city slickers who really couldn’t adapt. But for the most part, after getting used to not stepping in horse poop, freezing your scalp washing it in streams, all the various little details of camp life like dealing with food scraps and sitting around the campfire trading stories and songs, it made sense, even though nearly every aspect of life was completely different from normal life. The difference between that culture and our default culture was part of the fun. It was a fun challenge trying on a different way of living, like trying on hats.

In my experience, that form of adaptation varies wildly by person: there’s my grandpa who would complain like everything that wasn’t the way life was for him back home. On the other hand there’s people who can just adapt and fit in wherever they go, making a game of it, like actors being able to slip into different roles or seasoned gamers who can immediately start sussing out game mechanics and the fastest way to level up, because they’ve seen it all before. Adaptability and flexibility like that comes from experience, but also, empathy and paying attention, since it requires a lot of Doing What The Locals Do and putting oneself in their shoes.

Nyssa’s on a horse trip, when she goes to Earth. Almost every aspect of life different, and things like credit cards and military bases must be very challenging to navigate since they require remembering to do a lot of things she couldn’t have imagined back home. But she’s not stupid. She’s got the Doctor to remind her to swipe her Oyster card in the turnstyle or mount a horse on its left side or that certain beverages on Earth are age-restricted, depending on the time period and geographical location (she can never keep track of where/when she’s not supposed to drink wine, so she asks him or watches out of the corners of her eyes for clues). Sometimes she’ll be stumped. Sometimes she’ll hit customs she doesn’t know about yet. And yeah, humor is always liable to trip her up, since it’s so often culture

But she can observe those around her, make deductions, imitate and play along. More importantly, after a dozen planets or so, she should improve at playing the “interact with alien cultures” game, in the same way that seasoned travelers on Earth grow adept at coping with all sorts of unfamiliar environments and social situations. Cultures like hers are easier— she fits right in on Gallifrey in a way humans wouldn’t, and is immediately able to navigate their politics and computers and even their weapons — but Earth should get easier for her in time.

Likewise, I don’t buy stories that make the Doctor clueless about basic stuff. Distracted so he forgets to notice, yes; “too old to give a damn,” yes, but newborn-puppy learning it for the first time? Nuh uh. At this point he’s like an incredibly experienced gamer who knows all the tropes and knows where to look for the easter eggs and cheat codes and powergamer grinding tricks. He’s probably the most seasoned traveler in the entire universe.

Starting with Logopolis and moving into the Big Finish years of her life, we watch Nyssa grow from about level 2 to level 20 of the Seasoned Traveler MMO. Plus, she started out with extra skills in SCIENCING, so she’s already got a bonus on some rolls.

The trouble is, on an old show with different writers for every story and no continuity bible, classic Who characters tended to be a set of characteristics and tropes that could be boiled down to an info sheet sent out to writers, and any growth/evolution of the character was accidental or else a function of the actor changing their performance to reflect what the character had been through.

TL;DR: Very few social skills are completely innate, and Nyssa, like any other SF character, is not bound by her beginning parameters; she learns.

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where-ls-my-mlnd · 4 years

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Holy shit, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me... Oh my god. Oh my GOD. Am I dead? Have I died and gone to an alternate universe? Are auditory hallucinations now in the vague list of symptoms I experience on a daily basis? Maybe I should pinch myself. Nah, that’s not probably necessary. I’m only fucking around anyway. It’s just... Is that J agreeing with me I hear? Is that little JJ AGREEING with me I hear?! THE FUCK?! This is weird. I don’t know if we’ve ever agreed on anything other than Riviera being a lost cause and me being a piece of shit for parlaying a woman’s sadness into a sexual opportunity. Both of those are concrete facts which cannot be shaken. It’s like, purely objective, you know? He’s never really agreed with me just because. He never takes a very strong stance on anything. It’s fucking irritating. And don’t even get me started on his ice-cold reception to my conspiracy theories. I don’t know if he’s ever believed one. Don’t get me wrong, part of the fun is trying to convince the other person to believe. I love that shit so fucking bad for some reason. It’s like I actually get high off it. But the reason it’s so fun is knowing the other person is gonna crack eventually, no matter how long it takes. J..has never cracked. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. Maybe I just haven’t found one that appeals to his interests yet? Maybe he needs to be deeply and uniquely invested in a conspiracy theory in order to believe in it? Maybe he tunes me out every time I share theories and that’s why he always disagrees? Maybe I care too much about conspiracy theories? I don’t know. All I know is I never thought I’d see the day where J fully, totally, unabashedly agreed with me. But I was wrong. Something about that makes me smile as I listen to him carefully and eloquently explain his thoughts, eyes darting back and forth between him and the road; which is dangerous, but this shit is interesting and I wanna give him my full attention. Look, I never claimed to be a stunning driver. I mean, I’m stunning but my driving skills...lord... “It was an extreme act of selfishness, yes, but for anyone to act as if they were subhuman for trying and temporarily succeeding is ridiculous when we all have our motivations and desires that would at least tempt us if we were in their lucrative situation. I don’t know what subreddit you’ve been stalking, but judgment on the issue by people who probably haven’t been forced to take a risk in their life is worthless.” For fucking real... I take a moment to fully absorb everything he said, nodding slightly as I gather my thoughts. “That’s an interesting theory,” I muse. “I never would’ve considered that they knew Studio 54 had an expiration date and that they would create a considerable safety net for the fall-out. It makes sense, though — the fuck else were they skimming millions of dollars for? They were like, going out of their way to get that money. And that’s true as fuck about people and their shit-for-brains opinions. I don’t know why they feel the need to speak if they’re coming from an ignorant place. Like...you’re not even the demographic for this. The people who show no sympathy towards Steve and Ian are just fucking obtuse, honestly. Going on ‘bout oh, how could they be so stupid to think this would work - well you’re not considering that it’s not that they blindly believed it would work, it’s that they needed it to work. I just - if you haven’t experienced something, it’s best not to speak as if you have. It’s offensive as hell. And can you really fault them for being disillusioned when they realized that America can’t deliver and will never deliver on what it promised? Republicans love to jerk their fucking dicks to the fantasy that America is the best country ever and everythin’s just fuckin’ swell here. Hard work will get you far, it will get you everything you want, just do it legally and one day you’ll wake up fucking flush with money and opportunities. Well, I wanna ask you something. What’s the difference between legal hard work and illegal hard work if they both suck the life out of you at the end of the day? At least when shit’s illegal you might be able to make more money. Great risk garners great reward, like you said. Why even bother making an argument for legal hard work? Knowing you’re not committing any crimes will bring you peace of mind but realizing your job doesn’t pay a livable wage will shatter it real fast. A person can only work so hard. Picking up an illegal gig on the side doesn’t sound so bad when the alternative is working three jobs. People, they just - they have no empathy. They defend a capitalistic system in the hopes that they will benefit from it someday, that they too will be a part of the 1%. And it’s like, yeah, how do you plan to make that happen? Hard work?” I have to let out a laugh then, I just have to. “Fucking delusional. Wait, yo, you use reddit?! Gimme your username. I’m gonna add you.” That makes him pause and visibly tense. “I...don’t have an account. I just observe the site, y’know.” Confusion overtakes my expression and I gesture wildly with my free hand as though reaching out for an answer. “The fuck? Why don’t you have an account? Make one. We can message each other conspiracy theories.” His eyebrows slightly raise, “Tempting, but...I think I’ll have to pass since...I don’t know how. Not exactly on there too often, so uh...I believe it’d be a waste to make one.” An awkward silence swallows up the car, compressing the small space as I stare at him, and I don’t even mean to, but I end up snorting a laugh, shaking my head as I turn to focus on the road again. I don’t know how. Oh fuck man, he’s so dumb... Have you no dignity at all? Do you not even care enough to staple together at least a half-believable fucking lie? What the fuck, man? I thought you were smart. What’s with all of the flowery fucking language for if you ain’t got nothing up in that head of yours? Why do you practically speak in iambic pentameter if you can’t comprehend even the basics of how to lie? God bless whoever is teaching you at school - they’re gonna have a real rough fucking time with your stupid ass. Oh, man. I don’t know how. Get the absolute fuck out of here. Playing in my damn face like that. How the hell do you get any of your schoolwork done if you’re so confused by the internet that you can’t figure out how to make a reddit account?! I guess you probably don’t, that’s why you’re such a dumbass. I knew how to work social media when I was your age and I was spun out of my mind on the daily. God, he’s never gonna tell me his account. I don’t know why! What does he even do on there? Look at porn all day? Does reddit even have porn? Never mind, what am I saying. It’s reddit. Damnit man, I’m not gonna look through your post or comment history. Chill your tits. It’s a fucking reddit account, not the cure to cancer. No need to protect it with your life.

“Well if you ever manage to solve that unfathomable mystery and want to find me, my username’s konspiracyking. But conspiracy is spelled with a K, for you know, alliteration purposes,” I say just to taunt him. Sadly, the opportunity to make fun of him further is abruptly seized from me; we’ve made it to the club. Knowing this fills me with such sudden and violent excitement that I end up making a pretty fuck-ass, jerky turn into the parking lot, but what do I give a fuck? WE’RE HERE. We’re here, we’re here, we’re here. Finding an open parking spot is about as difficult as getting J to admit he has a reddit account, but I manage to find one after a while of cruising around the packed lot. I’m just barely restraining the urge to unbuckle my seatbelt and hurl myself out of the car window right fucking now; I have to pray to God that my parking isn’t overly atrocious. Whether it is or isn’t, that’s not really a huge concern of mine, but it probably is. The car shuts off and I yank the key out of the ignition, and something dawns on me when I look at J, at his face that is devoid of any signs of maturity and looks overwhelmingly youthful and almost innocent. “Wait, how are you gonna get in? What are you, like 12? How the fuck are we gonna sneak you in?” He assures me that he has it covered and, understanding full well what that means, I begin to break into a cackle. “Ah, alright...alright, JJ, my bad. Yo, how much do fakes go for these days? They still cost the same as when I was a kid or did they jack up the price?”

#/lyingisthemostfunajasoncanhavewithouttakingcocaine #4/17/15 #the bros

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