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blackandblueandstars · 2 years

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The shot rips through your side, pieces breaking off and bouncing around your organs like a pinball.

Kaplow! You hear in your head as it tears through an artery. You picture the lights and fanfare, knowing you'll bleed out in a matter of minutes.

The bullet exits, its force sending you to the wet cement. The wind is forced out of your lungs, your head bounces off the ground.

You hear her before you see her. The way her wail rips through the sky, you're surprised it doesn't split the heavens in two. She collapses at your side, hands shooting to the sea of red already growing too wide.

"No, no, no," she mutters, hands quickly stained as she tries, and fails, to stop the bleeding. Your eyes linger on her face, a small smile forming on your lips. She won't look at you.

"You're so god-damned beautiful," you say, already feeling too light. Too cold.

"Shut up," she says, finally meeting your gaze. She's smiling and crying, hands shaking, lip trembling.

"Give me a minute," you say with a chuckle. It hurts, but It's worth it.

"Why the hell did you have to get yourself shot?" she asks, her voice breaking. Joke all you want, you can't take away her pain. And she can't save you.

"Anything -" you say, coughing on blood - "for you, kid."

She shakes her head, rolling her eyes. "Then stay alive," she pleads. You nod, gently, remembering what your mom used to say.

It's okay to lie if it's for a good reason.

Every breath hurts more than you remember. Your eyelids feel heavy.

"I love you," you mumble. You're the first to say it, but you have to let her know how you feel. You need her to know.

She sucks in a deep breath. "God damn it," she says, hands balled in fists. "I love you too, please..."

You're trying, fighting, willing yourself to keep your promise. "If love were enough," you think. She chokes on a sob, and you realize it was more than a thought.

"I'm sorry," she gasps, kissing your forehead. Your cheeks, your nose, tears falling onto your eyelids. "I love you, fuck!"

No, no, no.

You plead with any god that might be listening, desperate to stay. The mantra repeats, in time with your stilling heart.

No - thud - no - thud - no - no - no!

#angst #queer fiction #original fiction #fiction writing #short fiction #fiction #tw: death #loss #short story #dying #death scene

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blackandblueandstars · 2 years

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One shots

Max.

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blackandblueandstars · 2 years

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max.

Trigger Warning: Suicidal ideation, self harm, abuse

Some days I wish I was dead. Other days, I wish I was back there: your hand twisted in my hair, my neck contorted at just the right angle to see your dark coal eyes as you utter obscenities and remind me I am no one. And that wish... makes me wish I was dead.

I can’t feel love unless it hurts. I know it’s not healthy, I know you fucked me for any good person that comes my way. Who would want to stay with someone who wishes they were having the shit beat out of them instead of being the little spoon?

I fill my days trying to recreate the pain. I make a living from self-harm and tell my story in scars - up my arms, at the base of my skull, right below my third rib, above my left eyebrow, too high on my inner thigh. Momma told me men were nasty motherfuckers. She said not to trust them, not to love them. But you talked as sweet as honey and I lapped you up with my tongue.

I can still taste the blood from when you bit into it, that manic grin when I pulled back and slapped you across the face.

That is to say - I miss you.

I haven’t felt alive since you left me. Drove the car straight off the bridge...I know you didn’t expect me to survive. I don’t know if I even should have. I’m nothing without you.

You were a nasty motherfucker, but you were mine and I was yours. I don’t know why my entire fucking existence is intertwined with your madness, but I’m not sure how to be me without your fist flying through the air.

You always kissed me after. One kiss for every contact you made, every bruise you left, every insult you hurled. Our makeup sex was out of this fucking world.

They stuck me in therapy, trying to fix me. And I guess it makes sense, because I know there’s nothing logical or sane about the way I ache at the mention of your name. Your absence is like a hole in the fabric of my reality and I can barely breathe.

I hate what you’ve done to me. But more than anything I hate that you’re gone.

And I fucking miss you.

#tw: self harm #tw: suidice #tw: abuse #tw: death #writing #writer #writers #writerscommunity #character development #Character Concept #one shot #fiction #short fiction #fiction writing #Original Work #original fiction

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blackandblueandstars · 3 years

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I'm so excited about this very depressed rainbow!

#queer #love

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blackandblueandstars · 3 years

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Love how these turned out! Available for sale if you like!

Check out these spooky sad stickers from Sad Saps! Just in time to celebrate Halloween from the comfort of your couch curled up under a blanket and binge-watching horror movies! Shop now: https://www.etsy.com/shop/sadsapsofficial

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blackandblueandstars · 3 years

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TW: Suicidal ideation, death

----

Every night it was the same dream. Darkness, and shadows, and her. Death never seemed so appealing as when He stood by her side. Then, she could make Hell itself enviable. Hell -

It had been days. How many, Amy couldn't say. But it didn't matter, really. Even a second in a world where she didn't exist was far too long.

The group came, and went, in their own time. They'd separated the hours between them, afraid to leave her alone. She'd told them it wasn't necessary, that she wouldn't do anything. But even then she hadn't the energy to lie convincingly.

No, truth be told, she'd join her in a heartbeat.

Death was cloaked, face hidden, as always. Her fingers entwined with his black gloved hand, her features darker, more striking. Her eyes were almost black, a far cry from the liquid gold that had watched Amy with desire. Amy tried to move towards her, but she was paralyzed. Unable to move, unable to speak - but it didn't stop the tears that streamed down her face.

The loop continued, just as it had every night since. Amy watched helplessly as the black robe stepped forward, Kamilah mirroring His movements like a marionette.

"This isn't right", thought Amy. "This isn't her."

Kamilah faltered, then, an interruption to the perfectly choreographed dream sequence. Something...new? Her eyes met Amy's, and for just a moment she saw her there. Her Kami.

But quickly as it happened, the black eyes returned and she dropped her gaze to the floor. Amy shifted her focus to Death, whose back was irregularly stiff. It seemed like hours that they stood there, no movement, no noise, just the fabric of the dream folding in on itself. Until...

Slowly, the black robe turned, bringing himself to face Amy. She stood, frozen in place, as He approached. He was only a few feet away when his black gloved hands reached up, pulling back the hood of his cloak.

There, where the face of the fourth horseman Himself should be, were two familiar bronze eyes.

"No," Amy thought, rage and panic dwelling inside her. The face before her grinned like the cheshire cat. He slowly raised his hand, stroking Amy's cheek.

"I've finally got my Queen," he said in a hoarse voice.

"No!!" Amy shrieked, jolting upright. "No, no, no!"

Lily crossed the room in two steps, enveloping Amy in her arms. "It's okay, Ames," she cooed. "It was just a dream."

Amy's eyes settled on the other side of the bed, cold and empty.

"No," she replied. "It's not."

---

Idk if any of these folks still care to read, but -

Tag list: @h-doodles @scarlet-letter-a0114 @wildsayeed @lightning-fury @blogsupitssam @la-guera-69 @iam-the-fuckin-queen @sheyah @lifesadance96 @theoblivionforest @sayeedbound @kamilahismyqueen @vonda-b-real @freespiritdani

#kamilah sayeed #bb kamilah #kamilah #choices kamilah #bb fandom #kamilah x mc #bloodbound kamilah #kamilahxmc #mc x kamilah sayeed #bloodbound fanfic #bloodbound choices #bloodbound fic #choices fanfiction #choices fanfic #pb choices #choices

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blackandblueandstars · 3 years

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What i meant was,that they dont tag you Anywhere

Seems like ....

Nothing

I was just curious.

Oh, I dunno. Probably because I haven't been active. 🤷‍♂️

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blackandblueandstars · 3 years

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Why you are so distanced from other fics writers?

Hm, not sure what you mean. It's been a while since I've written any fanfic, so I haven't been terribly active in the community as a whole.

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blackandblueandstars · 3 years

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'Sup?

Hiya. Not much. What's up with you?

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blackandblueandstars · 3 years

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Time waits for no one

Trigger warning: If you’ve struggled with pregnancy, this might be a hard read. Babies, children, etc. I dunno. It was a small laugh, you could barely even hear it but it still lit up the room. Ellie couldn’t help but feel it in her soul. The warmth, the light, all from such a small bundle of joy. She held her close, her small fingers wrapped around her thumb, her brown eyes wide with wonder and a hint of mischief. God, she looked like Mona.

As if summoned by the thought, Mona walked through the door, hands dirty from fiddling in the garage. “We’ll get a few more miles out of her,” she said, wiping her hands on a rag before tucking it in her back pocket.

Ellie smiled, catching her eye. “We’ve already gotten far more than we should’ve, thanks to you.”

Mona’s neck turned the slightest shade of red before she covered it with her hand, rubbing awkwardly. “Just doing my part,” she mumbled. She leaned over, looking at the swaddled baby in Ellie’s arms.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to this,” she said lightly, in awe of the miracle they’d created. She opened her mouth to speak again when a loud blaring interrupted the moment.

Ellie opened her eyes, flailing to turn off the alarm. The room seemed darker than normal, coming out of the dream. Just a dream.

Alarm snoozed, she curled her arms around herself, taking a deep breath.

Happy, she thought, squeezing her eyes tight. I’m happy. I’m with the woman I love, doing what I love. That is enough. This is enough.

She hated herself for where her mind wandered in the night. She hated herself for the minutes that passed while she reminded herself how lucky she was, how happy she was. She hated every second that she didn’t believe the words.

“El?” Mona called from the other room. “You up?”

She blinked back the tears, steadying herself. “Working on it,” she answered lightly, adding a grumble at the end. She never understood how Mona was such a morning person.

Mona poked her head in, her brown eyes roaming over Ellie’s body. “Get a move on,” she said, lingering a little too long in the door.

“Sure that’s what you want?” asked Ellie with a wink.

Mona chuckled. “We’ve got to get to the shop.”

And that was that. Ellie pulled herself from bed, dressing quickly and darting out the door.

---

Mona took a deep breath. Nothing made her feel more at home these days than car grease tinged with gasoline. She looked around the shop, a lion surveying its domain. Ellie had made a beeline for the office, mumbling something about paperwork. She handled the business of it all, leaving Mona to the cars. With Ellie’s business sense and her...obsession...they were well on their way to being a premier import dealership in the area.

On their way, being the key phrase. It hadn’t been easy-going. El did her time in college and Mona served hers. They had a late start, and they’d put every dollar they had into growing this business.

They were happy, though. She wasn’t one for words or feelings, but Ellie...Ellie turned it all around for her. She made her something...someone.

“Hey boss!” Mona shook her head, returning to the hustle and bustle of the shop.

---

Ellie focused on the work. It always gave her some feeling of purpose. She was happy. That was the most frustrating part of all of it. She loved Mona, she loved their life. It was her decision not to...not to conceive.

She paused, taking a deep breath. This is stupid. Get yourself together, Ellie. But it wasn’t that simple. These things never were, were they? Her body yearned for a baby, her own baby. It was in her DNA. It was something she’d dreamed about since she was small.

And now she was old. Old, and in love, and all she wanted was to put more love into the world. She remembered that little girl from her dream. She had Mona’s eyes, her dark hair. A real heartbreaker.

But that wasn’t reality, of course. They couldn’t just...make a baby. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much. Even if she could carry, the baby wouldn’t be theirs. Not biologically. And she knew, of course she knew that that didn’t really matter.

And then there was the cost. They couldn’t afford it, even if they were in agreement, even if they both wanted it.

She wasn’t sure when the tears began, but she wiped them from her face quickly when she heard a rap at the door.

“Hey, El, I--” Mona cut off as she caught sight of Ellie’s tear-stained face. “El?”

“Hey, baby,” Ellie said, dropping her gaze to the stack of papers on the desk. “I was just about to start the invoices. What did you need?”

Mona crossed the room in two steps, towering beside Ellie. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m--”

“El,” she said quietly, kneeling before her. “You’re crying.” Mona wiped a tear from her cheek, her calloused thumb so gentle as it grazed her skin.

“I--I can’t…” Ellie murmured. She knew if she told Mona she’d blame herself. She couldn’t put that on her. But it hurt, holding it in. No one would understand. It’s not like she was physically unable to conceive. It was...it was her choice, right? She chose Mona, she chose the business. She chose this life.

“Ellie.” Mona’s voice was firm as she squeezed Ellie’s hand. “This is not how we do things. Talk to me.”

---

Love has a way of warping us. If we’re lucky, it’s for the best. But sometimes it’s not. Sometimes, it derails everything. Mona knew that pain too well. Like a cement block tied to your feet, dragging you down when all you want to do is tread water.

She tried to hide the tremor in her hand as she kneeled on the dirty floor, eyes locked on Ellie. Before she even spoke, she could feel it in her bones. These tears, they were about her...about them. Her head swam, heart thundering. We’re happy, she thought, overanalyzing every interaction, everything she’d done, everything she hadn’t. I thought we were happy.

“Ellie.” The word came like a lifeline, the only thing tethering her to the scene before her.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie whimpered. “This is so stupid.”

Mona had been shot. She’d been betrayed. She’d experienced every kind of pain imaginable. But nothing like the way her heart tore right now, watching Ellie, hearing Ellie’s pain.

“No,” she said, forcing the air into her lungs. “Your feelings are not stupid. Please, El, tell me.”

---

Ellie couldn’t stop the tears, now. She was angry with herself, angry for letting it get to her, angry for letting Mona see. She took a breath, meeting Mona’s eyes. She could sense her fear, and she knew she didn’t have a choice. Not anymore.

“I haven’t been sleeping well,” she began, trying to find some explanation for the intensity of her emotions. “I guess I’m just tired and emotional, I guess that’s why I’m such a mess.”

“What’s got you so upset?” Mona asked, not letting her off the hook.

“I’ve been dreaming,” she said with a sigh. “I’ve been dreaming about having a baby. Yours, and mine. Ours. It...it’s part of each of us, and...she’s so beautiful, and...I know…”

She cut off, taking a shaky breath, trying to find the right words. “I know that we agreed. I know that I agreed, that I changed my mind. But I...I can’t help feeling like I’m missing out on something.”

Mona was quiet, eyes on Ellie. It was true, they’d agreed. They’d agreed to put the business first...the business Mona wanted. They’d agreed not to have a child of their own. A child that Ellie had always wanted to carry and Mona wasn’t even sure she wanted.

“We can adopt,” Mona started carefully. “Like we talked about. Older kids, the ones that need love and safety.”

“Yea,” Ellie said softly. “I know.”

---

This is out of left field, Mona thought. But the more she thought about it, she realized that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t, not for Ellie. Ellie, who’d dreamed of carrying a child, who’d dreamed of giving birth and being a mom.

Mona never really wanted kids. Not after everything she’d been through, everything she’d done. She didn’t need to ruin another human. She just needed to stay as far away from influencing anyone’s life as possible. She was too broken, too utterly damaged to be a parent.

But with Ellie...she’d opened her mind to the possibility. But then Ellie said she wasn’t sure if she wanted it, anymore. And then they started the business, and years had passed, and now...now it was barely an option.

“I’m sorry,” she said, unable to meet Ellie’s eyes. “I don’t know what to do.”

It was all she could say. She always had a solution, a way to fix things, a way to make them better. But she couldn’t fix this. She couldn’t turn back time. She couldn’t change biology. She couldn’t magically acquire thousands of dollars for one shot...a long shot, with Ellie’s age.

“Me either,” Ellie whispered.

The air was heavy between them. Mona stood, wrapping her arm around Ellie’s shoulders.

“Why don’t we take off?” Mona asked, gently. “Go home early, maybe go for a ride?”

It was a band-aid, at best. She knew that. It wasn’t an easy thing, mourning something you’d never had...someone you’d never know. As she held Ellie’s hand and led her out of the garage, she felt the sadness she carried with her. She even felt some sadness herself. She hadn’t wanted a child, but to see how badly Ellie did...it felt like something had been ripped away from them before they’d even had the chance to decide they wanted it.

They climbed in the car and drove home in silence, Mona feeling unbearably like a cement block.

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blackandblueandstars · 3 years

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Recognizing Abuse Masterlist

Signs that you’re living in abuse:

Behavioral patterns of living in abuse

Was I abused? Checklist

Not knowing you are a victim

Signs your family is abusive

Making excuses for your abusive parents

Experience of living in secrecy

What they taught you was abuse

Emotional experiences of living in abuse

Shame and guilt: how abused children feel

What makes parents abusers (actions)

Have I been manipulated into believing abuse was my fault? Checklist

Am I being held hostage by abusers? Checklist

You are not allowed to mention the past

Why you still love abusive parents

Parental behaviour that isn’t normal

Shit parents aren’t supposed to say to you

Experience of “not belonging anywhere”

Red flags for abusive parents

Healthy vs Abusive Chores

Was my childhood abusive or just had some bad parts?

Rules always change (unpredictable environment is abusive)

Breakdown of abusive parent’s behaviour:

“This is my house” rule

Start living in the real life!

Why all the children aren’t abused equally in an abusive home

Common abuser hypocrisies

Do your parents want you to be happy or look happy?

Why do they try to convince you that you’re worthless

Why do they pretend you’re a burden? Controlling behaviour

Why your abusers are not good people

Abusive parents are keeping you in false hope they’ll change

Are your parents preventing you from succeeding?

Abusive parents pretending “it wasn’t that bad”

Double Bind (why every choice you make ends wrong)

Incorporating trauma in raising children

Abusers will not allow you to call them out on abuse

Signs your parents are narcissistic:

Stuff delusional narcissists say

Shit narcissistis parents say

Recognizing emotional immaturity of narcissistic parents

Examples of narcissistic behaviours

Being punished for growing up by narcissistic parents

What children of narcissists go thru

Signs you’ve been thru sexual abuse:

CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) Symptoms

Signs you might have endured CSA

Was I sexually abused by adults as a child? Checklist

Signs of abusive friendship/relationship:

How to tell if a friend is not a friend

Am I in an abusive relationship/friendship? Checklist

Manufacturing insecurities

Red flags for abusers

Have I been thru social abuse? Checklist

You can recognize abusers by how they make you feel

How abusive childhood teaches you to stay in abusive relationships

Recognizing abusive friendship

Signs you’re struggling with trauma

Trauma processing information

Experiences of traumatized children

Signs you’re recovering from long term abuse

Things abuse survivors think/say

Thoughts of victims of child abuse

Your brain on trauma

How long term childhood abuse develops into complex trauma (comic)

Ups and downs of trauma

#this would have helped me so much #abuse #signal boost this

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blackandblueandstars · 3 years

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#signalboost

henlo. I am continually floored by the horrors and failures of my country. if you shoot me a DM of your donation of $5 or more to a reputable org providing relief in Texas and I’ll do you a drabble. it will be short, but that’s what I got to offer up.

for guidelines around what I’ll write (very few “won’t do” and the only other exception is the length) please look under the cut of this post.

(oh I forgot to say, signal boost are appreciated and I will probably reblog a couple more times)

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blackandblueandstars · 3 years

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trigger warning: prostitution, abuse