idksheepthoughts

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversation I don’t understand

Starting off Context. We are discussing Hardcore World of Warcraft ruleset. There is a rule set built by the community that you have to follow to play the game mode and get a “validated” level 60 run. There is no Blizzard official servers as of yet. 

Ok so the acquaintance 

(A) starts off with asking me if I wanted to duo. "or full party?" 

 Me: mention only duo/trios are allowed. 

A: Well then by full I mean 3 

Me: Official servers I doubt will have grouping restrictions 

A: Although thats fucking stupid. Yeah official wont restrict it, coz its fucking dumb. 

Me: but under current rules you can't group unless you enter in a name for duo/trio at level 1 

A: Also yes I saw the rules 

Me:  i mean a full HC party would be able to just blast everything no challenge 

A:  the game is literally made with the idea around a full party playing the whole game. that was like the whole concept of mmos at the time. 

Me:  ehhh only for group content like elite quest and dungeons. I enjoy my solo gameplay while leveling tbh. the one thing i hate about the non grouping thing is for named mob tags 

A:  it was after that they were like oh this kinda sucks ass for solo players and slowly rebuilt the game around it.  it was made that way coz they thought people would be running in packs of 4-5 

Me: i mean they changed it later to just allow anyone who damages a mob gets credit. implementing that in HC official wouldn't be a terrible change. 

A: all im saying is that being like "full group too ez" is dumb. but so is banning bubble hearthing 

Me: but leave group petriflask ghetto hearth allowed 

 A:  liek yes its stupidly broken but its a mechanic of the game just grow up and dont play pally if u dont like it right 

Me: there is some rules that i find stupid as hell 

A: literally all of them are dumb as hell to me.  only one dungeon run allowed? (Spams ?????) 

 Me:  it makes it so you can't overgear shit 

A: overgear? 

 Me: you farm bis every level from every dungeon you overgear any other content 

A: yeah like the way the game was literally designed to be played lmao 

Me: then don't play hardcore Lmao 

A: its so dumb to be like no that makes it to easy. you still have to do the dungeon 

Me: you don't have to do any dungeons 

A: dungeons being the most dangerous places int eh game outside raids 

Me: i've seen people level entirely from quest and grinding.I personally just hate spamming the same dungeons over and over though. i'd rather quest.i did that on classic release with friends cause it was "meta" (dungeon spam).spamming dungeons makes me wanna drink, I hate it so much. 

 A: wot im saying is that it was an option that was put in from the start as a mechnic of the game and it makes no sense to ban or restrict its use. like you can still level to max as a mage in 4 days hardcore none of these rules stop that? (spams ???).  but dungeons make the content to easy? 

Me: man idk the fucking thought process behind everything 

A: this is why i am confused lol its just dumb and arbitrary and i want a full set for mydruid 

Me:  but if you dont' give a fuck about valid run do whatever you want. But people will stop grouping with you if you dont' follow the current rule set ya know. also at 60 you can run dungeons as many times as you want its only 1 dungeon while leveling.i personally don't find 1 dungeon while leveling that restrictive. 

A: then why are you saying they should add pvp at 60. by that logic you should just suck it up. 

Me:  because i think it would be fun? 

A: Like im just asking why its weird i didn't say anything about not playing? 

Me: official servers aren't gonna be able to enforce half the ruleset that is currently set in place. 

A: im not talking about not existant offical rules tho 

Me:  I mean if you want to spam dungeons. Thats fine. I don't personally care what people do. But under the current addon. It invalidates other people's runs. A: lmao i didn't say that 

Me: then what are you saying cause clearly im not following you 

A: i said the rules are weird and arbitrary but since you can't like read what im saying and you're getting super defensive forget the group. i dont care that its weird and arbitrary i just said it is weird and arbitrary. liek thats all i said. 

Me: the rules are weird and arbirtary agreed. some i don't agree with but thems the breaks -shrug- 

A:-eyerolls- 

 Me:  like they tweaked the rules after people that are like mods in the community already did it. Like getting the AV quest weapon and then after He did that he banned other people doing it. 

 I assume he left my stream after the eyeroll emoji...

#personal #conversations #I don't understand #am I wrong here? #people are confusing

[idksheepthoughts]

Who does this out of the blue??? Like I couldn't have been asleep???? Not that it's not a major inconvenience to me driving one way 51 minute. Plus he starts out the text with my birth name and dude just.. I don't fucking get people. Good thing I work at 9am today shit. Plus I'd have had to get gas for this shit too because I have to get gas anyways so by the time I got there I'd have maybe made it to work but also... I'm too paranoid and anxious to deal with that plus if I was late I'd think I'd be fired and that would have 100% been on him. And I know if I got fired because of him, my friend would have been pretty livid. Since I know for a fact if I get fired I'll commit suicide. That job even if I hate it and think about shooting up the place or murdering the customers that piss me off it does deter me slightly and pay my bills while I am still regrettably alive

#personal #rants #transgender #trans problems #suicidal thoughts #suicidal #homicidal thoughts #sheep thoughts

[idksheepthoughts]

 oh ...

#personal #shit talking #tbh like its so fucking ironic that this person would retweet this #LITERALLY this PERSON HAS THE BIGGEST VICTIM complex i've ever met #like so so so sos so so so so so so so so so funny #ahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[idksheepthoughts]

(: you literally always pop up in my life at the worst possible fucking moments and don’t even bother to ask how I’m doing or whats been going on. Or care about anything. ITS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU AND EVERYTHING HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT YOU EVER SINCE we were friends??????? Like yeah you’re strugggling but like I’m fucking not? I’m not planning my own damn suicide and stuff??? Like... please just fuck off forever!!!

You’re better off without me anyways. How many times have we parted ways only to randomly come back and things this time...just ... all I literally said was something slightly positive this time I literally just said that. You have time and to not discount things and to keep going. When you’re literally some little childish kid you maybe turning 21 this year but you damn well don’t fucking act like it!!!

#personal #vents #angry #i hate people #calling me fake #like bitch i stopped being genuine a long ass time ago #when we stopped really talking 99.99999% of the time #like #just #i hope you really do grow up one of these days #if not you will just end up dead #but it is no longer my problem

[idksheepthoughts]

I actually can't stop myself anymore, and I've lost all the little inhibitors in my brain that stop me from pushing everyone away and being very cruel in passive and aggressive ways.

Idk if I need to just isolate until this subsides but I think I've gotten blocked 3 times since the end of January by 3 separate people because I'm spiraling down further then I thought possible.

(2 of which in the last 2 days) because I responded poorly out of anger although, at the point of unfollowing me and ignoring everything I had said or sent to them for a month and slowly distancing away since the end of the year, I felt like maybe that had been coming???

How do I trust people ever again when everyone says they won't leave but then suddenly that changes and they no longer wish to be friends or have contact with me.

I suppose I should stop talking to everyone because the little inhibitors are gone and if I continue to not be able to control my horrible self I will eventually or rapidly lose every person on that list of people that has kept me from attempting for the final time.

#personal #thoughts #abandoned #abandonment #im a monster #i cant control myself lately #im like a cornered dog

[idksheepthoughts]

Long post Why I feel led on

The start of this whole freaking thing ending in me crushing for my friend almost to the point of having two Favorite person at the same time... Borderline hell when you’re me!! (I was also drunk af when this happen) around May this year...

Me: hey i have a random ass question.... did i suprise you when i told you i was trans.... or was it somewhat an idea in your head .... x:

E: Honestly, I had a feeling that you were. And I liked that. I like fluidity.

Me: okay ... i always wonder how "trans" i appear to people... like .. i try to hide it but like... i can't deny i have boobs if i dont cover up with layers and tend to change my voice according to how people percieve me as..... i wish i could be stealth but i doubt thats possible im always "inbetween"Like, ruru, (hannah)) ssaid she didn't really guess that when i gave her my tumblr account...

E: So...... This might be too much and you can say no...but can I see your boobs? 

Me: hahah ummmmmmmm...................... i guess i've sent them before to people.... so uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sure

E: You don't have to show me if you don't want to. 

Me: i kind of want to because this guy i sent them on snapchat a while ago said they were decent..

E: If you want to you can. If you don't want to you don't have to. 

Me: brb i reasllyu need to pee first 

E: You could show me your dick just once before you get rid of it. Lol.

Me: hahah it cost so much to get rid of it sadly ive' saved for like... sicne i was 18.. and i aonly reacehd 2/3 the way there.... she sighs fml

E: I think people with tits and a dick are very sexy. It's the best of both worlds. 

Me: maybe if i didn't associate dick with chasers... it be different... but ugh... it shard... given my adolesence S>< 

E: Well if you wanna be a girl, I'm into that.

Me: very much so but its totally a financial situation.... and lmfao working at shitmart it take a while.... 

E: I like you however you are. I'm super attracted to you. 

Me: swear u wont respost this if i send right? she fidgets 

E: I would never do that to you. 

Me: *sends nude*

E: Jesus your nipples are amazing.... 

Me: thanks... its 2 years in october...... on hormones... so..... >-< 

E: I would love to suck on them... If that's not overstepping my boundaries

Me: its fine, she blushes i like when people suck on them... it feels good ....

E: So...... Maybe you'd let me do it sometime? 

Me: yes

E: Mine are pretty OK if that is what you're into 

Me: i mean somtimes i get arroused looking at my tits and i know they're only like an a cup............ x: 

E: I think mine are like a C lol 

Me: that seems  big to me 

E: Is it wrong that I get aroused looking at your tits? 

Me: nope she smirks 

E: I kinda wanna suck on your nipples.... 

Me: she pants o/////////o

E: So um..... Maybe sometime you could let me make you feel amazing?

Me: id love to you've already made me slighty hard......... given what you've said... pulus fuck im extra sensative in the nipple area... they're begging me to fondle them ........ lol fuck 

E: Can I be totally honest with you? 

Me: of course ive been pretty honest with u <3

E: I've masturbated to the thought of fucking you more than a few times. 

Me: oh shit really........ i feel honored she turns bright red am i worthy of that??? >//////////////< 

E: You totally are. I've always thought of how sexy it would be to rub my tits against yours. 

Me: fuck im panting so hard............. like... am i that obcvious at work that they show a lot? >///< 

E: No. But I've always kind of known that they were there.... And I've kind of had fantasies about sucking on them.... 

Me: she grins like the manic bitch in heat she ies ( : ( :

E: So um.... I would like to get naked with you and do whatever you wanted..... Is that bad? 

Me: n o p e but... know that penetration is like... a highly sore subject fair? i still hold a lot of ptsd related to that.... as that was the last ... encounter.... ;-;

E: We don't have to do that. We can do whatever you want 

Me: whatever i want is a bad subject im better if other people take the lead... but i do enjoy foreplay a lot lol

E: We could just suck each other's tits and make out

Me: yo fr fuck that makes me horny ;~; i like sucking things... tits cock... doesn' tmatter i have a huge oral fixaction im secretly a giant kinky girl..... if you haven't picked up on that lol she smiles and sticks out her tongue

E: And if you like anal i can totally do that 

Me: i've had more anal than P in V is that tells you anything lmfao 

E: I love to eat ass. That might be too much to share but I'm drunk enough that I don't care. 

Me: same the room is spiniing on my end i wonder if i should drink water.. shit when do i have to be at work on monday lol

E: I would love to come and make you feel good. 

Me: oh man an excuse to use my restraints she giggles yessssssssssssssss 

E: So find out when you work and let me come over tomorrow.

ME: yoooooooooooooo i live wif my parents cries 10000000000000 tears its awkward ..... im, sorry x9001 i move out in august v.v

E: I can sneak in. And I can make you feel like a goddess. 

Me: asd;fjag;lajg;aljfa you dont know how hard i'vee been panting short of breathe

E: So let me come over tomorrow and I'll take your breath away.... Your tits get me wet by the way

Me: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it be hard to explain my mother doesn't work.......... she stays at home fuck im salivating though

E: I'd be really quiet and just slip inside. And I'd cover your mouth while I was making you moan 

Me: ahhhhhhhhhh shit thats reallllllllly fucking tempting.......... we could try........... i dont think i've ever had anyone ever ever...... since we moved in this house at 10rh grade...but they uknoew i did phone sex with an ex and didnt care???? so fuck idk ... it probsbyh be okay tbh she pants more >////////< 

E: We can pretend I'm just a friend and then get dirty once we're alone together 

Me: if you want to fuck whjen do i work though........ let me loook i tup

E: Look it up. Because I wanna come over. 

Me: 11-8.............. wtf  fuck walmart to hell *she spits at the floor metaplhoraphaly * 

E: So maybe you could come over to my house before? I'm only like twenty four minutes away from the store.... We can sit on my couch and play with each other

Me: if you want. im really shy sober though just warning 

E: Well we can be shy together.... 

Me: how are you so perfect shit >--------////////////< 

E: So come over and let me put my hands up your shirt.... 

Me: i could. she smiles,  she grinds her ass into her chair want to know my favorite position?

E: Yes I do.

Me: i like being ontop... just sittiing in sometimes lap and grinding... tbh 

E: Maybe will you do that to me tomorrow? 

Me: i will fight my social reculisive ness and try 

E: I'll make you feel really comfortable. I wanna feel you grind on me....

Me: i havent grind one someone since i was 12 ... oddly enough 

E: Well you can practice again on me. I love making out. 

Me: omg same 

E: So is it wrong that my pussy is wet when I think about you coming over tomorrow and making out with me?

Me: she shakes her head no im kind of half hard thinking about it too* (its hard to get full hard anymore) 

E: You don't have to get hard for me.... Just let me suck your hot tits and maybe tongue fuck your ass.... I'll do whatever you want. And if something is uncomfortable, then I won't do it. We can start slow.

Me: you're so nice ; 1i dont deserve it

E: I'm gonna be honest though, I've stared at your ass a lot and I wanna eat it.... 

Me: : D my girl pants worked she smirks wickedly 

E: Oh fuck they did. I always hang out around you because I wanna taste your mouth and do naughty things with you.... 

Me: that makes me happy  you dont even know... i always feel so unwanted .... 

E: Oh I can tell you that I want you bad. 

Me: she blushes chuckling tehehehe 

E: So do you not like to have your dick sucked? 

Me: its always hurt..  i cant tell if i hate it or if all the inexperienced virgins i've been with suck ass at it... and the one guy whos sucked it i coudlnt even get hard....

E: Well why don't you come over tomorrow around nine and we can play with each other. I'd love to kiss you and taste that sweet ass. 

Me: i can damn sur etry........... fuck if i set an alarm i can' tgaruntee... she curls up sadly if i miss it... please dont hate me... i swear there is more times... im just a lazy PoS and si wear come agust if i dont do anything befor ethen free reign... its just hard to get up in the mornings... i often have bad dreams/night terrors and just ............want to ksm in the mornings 

E: I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. You'll be here at nine. And you're gonna let me make you feel better than you've ever felt. And I won't take no for an answer.You wanna be a sub? I'll make you my sub. You'll do what I say or I'll make you wish you would have.

Me: she blushes and clings to you fair enough, But physically i might not wake up on time. full, punishment accepted. . . she fidgets 

E: You don't want the punishment I would give you. I'll make you beg for my mercy. I'll make you my filthy bitch.You'll do what I tell you and you will thank me for giving you orders. 

Me: sounds like my ex when he wasnt being an abusive fuck and throwing beer bottles at me or trying to stab me lmfao 

E: I would never abuse you. You're too special to me. 

Me: she melts you dont know how much that means to me she tears up 

E: I'm gonna protect you and be sweet to you but your also going to do what I demand of you. But I'll make sure you like it. 

Me: how the fuck are you so perfect ................. 

E: You mean so much to me and I would never hurt you.You are far too special and perfect for me to ever want to let go of. 

Me: you dont know happyh it makes me feel to hear those words... ;~; i dont even hear that from my favorite person (not current now)

E: Can I call you Ashley? 

Me: she nods vigorously i mean granted legally you have no obligation even if i wince in work related shit... but ...... alone... i prefer it... 

E: Ashley, you are my perfect goddess. And I want to make you happier than you have ever been. 

Me: i dont deserve such spoils i promise ;w; 

E: You may not deserve it but I am going to give it to you.I'm going to give you everything you've ever wanted 

Me: thats a tall promise.... 

E: I can make good on that promise. Just trust me. 

Me: why me though? what did ido .... i feel strangely pampared.... 

E: You caught my eye...you made me want you.... You made me long for you... 

Me: how i barley do anything overtly sexual other then shake my ass ocassionally while i walk ... she blushes 

E: our body cries out to me...your porcelain skin, your engaging eyes, you delicate mannerisms, I'm intensely aroused by you. I'm very drawn to you.... 

Me: oh...........*she giggles a little* you dsont know how much i've panted and resisted the urge to touch myself ;-; 

E: You will see me tomorrow. You will let me make you feel the way you deserve to feel. 

Me: enema  btw?

E: Clean or dirty, I still want you.I desire you more than you know. 

Me: she grinds her hips oh? also like grooming>? not a big deal.. cause it would tak eso much effort to get rid of the stupid leg hair i've aqquired... she blushes* fuck im such a lazy girl ... 

E: Ashley, you are the object of my desires and I desire you exactly as you are. 

Me: 100% sure? im just making sure... she blushes crossing her legs i really dont have "upkeep" regurally... and some people look down upon that ><' 

E: I want you in your most natural state. Just as you areAnd you won't have your legs crossed when you're here with me.... 

Me: *sends a drunk nude as a tease*

E: You're teasing me now..... 

Me: m a y be  ; )im rlly drunk 

E: I wanna at least dry hump each other tomorrow.You come over.... We fuck around.... I make you feel incredible.... 

Me: my head lulls back everytime you say that >/////////> 

E: So.....what would you say if I wanted to make you my girlfriend? 

Me: it be hard to answer sober i've tired supe rhard to not imprint on you and le tthe disorder make me love you supe rhard like ihave tha totehr person

E: Why don't you come over tomorrow and you can answer me then....You have no idea how good I'd be to you....My sweet Ashley....My goddess 

Me: fuck im moaning alittle.......... ;asldkasdflkjaf;lkajsf fuck im such a giant slut........... ahhhhhhhhhhh >---------< 

E: I want you to be my slut. My sweet angel. 

Me: she extends her asss out toward you ;///////; 

E: I'm so serious.... I want something with you.... 

Me: im serious too, i've reallyh been panting and turned on, which with testosterone blocker is rare.... i just...... fuck... im so used to people not being that close......... she laughs maniacallly fuck......... id let you do so many things to me 

E: I want you to be my slut, my goddess, my angel, my demon, my everything. 

Me: i would, but is it not intruding. i wonder. she blushes waving her ass infront of your face swaying side to side 

E: I'm going to grab that sweet ass and eat it until all my desires are fulfilled. 

ME: you take my breathe awake erica ....... ;w;awayu****\ 

E: Ashley you have made me feel things that I didn't know I could feel. 

Me: thats good yes? 

E: Yes.I want you to be mine.And if you are, there are certain things I will require of you.... 

Me: such as? she  fidgets more 

E: Such as you opening yourself to me. Trusting me. Knowing that I want to protect you and care for you. 

Me: will you really want me if you know everything... and some stuff will make me break down to tell you... i've not really told people some of the stuff... ... 

E: When you break down, I will hold you together. 

Me: she tears up T-----------Tbeing held is ........like ahhhhhh longing i've been so alone for such along time.....

E: I want you to belong to me. And only if you want to. I will keep you safe. Protect you. Shelter you. Love you. Shower you with affection. 

Me: i've been wanting that since my ex at the age of 18 finally made me realize he coudln't stop being abusive af to me.... she sighs 

E: I would never abuse you. I would treat you like the amazing gift that you are. 

Me: i wonder, i snap easily at people..... its why i try not to imprint on others... i turn different.. if not held inplace.... idk 

E: Ashley you are my goddess. And I would bend the world to your desires. 

Me: i could say the same about you... i would rather make someone else feel better than to finish myself.... 

E: With me, you'll always finish first. 

Me: thats a strange concept i've been conditioned to always finish second... she blushes

E: All I require is that you submit to me and trust that I will always make the best decisions for you.

Me: she nods 

E: Submit to me and I will make all your dreams come true. 

Me: she moans in acceptance you sure im not impossing? 

E: Never my dear. You are the object of my desires. 

Me: idk how i managed that but im very grateful.......

E: You will be at my house tomorrow. 

Me: I will try my damnest. and if im not. you can punish me accordlingly fair enough ?i dont actually kno wwher eyou live tbh 

E: I'll tell you where I live 

Me: fair enough 

E: You better get your rest my precious one. I need to see you tomorrow 

Me: ugh i feel sicky too much to drink .. like a dumbass... she curls up beside you 

E: You curl up beside me baby and I will make you feel all better. 

Me: she smiles and nuzzles lightly i dont deserve someone as nice as you .... ya know 

E: Well I'm here to take care of you now. And make you feel like the goddess you are. 

Me: Haha you're more of a goddess to me but, I will always slightly view cis females greater than myself .... shhhh be quiet you ... Ashley don't say such things as stupid as u are 

E: . Ashley you make me hot and I can't wait to taste your mouth. 

Me: Same Tbh she bites her lower lip and bucks her hips 

E: Come see me tomorrow.... I can make you feel things you've never felt before.... And I wanna see your amazing tits in person 

ME: You'd be the first in person since they've developed ..... hehe And omg I want to badly see you x.x

E: You're like my dream... 

Me: Oh? why? she's been shaking a lot Ever since I laid down shaking

E: Because you're perfect. You're deep and beautiful and I would do anything to call you mine.

Me: she blushes I'm far from perfect 

E: To me you are everything. 

Me: If you say so she licks at your neck playfully 

E: If you start licking my neck you are in for a world of trouble 

Me: Same ... altho it's more a weak spot .... as in I'm cautious now eep... 

E: You'll learn to not be cautious with me. I'm gonna learn all the things that make you weak... And I'm gonna use them to make you all mine... 

Me: There is a few *she blushes as her head turns from side to side at her impure

E: Can I say again how wet your nipples make me?I love big nipples. Cause I have them. Lol Sleep well my love and I will see you tomorrow. 

Me: ha...................... see what i mean when  i'm drunk i throw myself at people, she blushes hopefully I didn't  do anything wrong. I still remember what I did, but... yeah.... 

E: You didn't do anything wrong at all 

Me: BUT damn i sent two nudes... i don't... normally send those ha... drunk me is loose or a tease.. im not sure what.

E: I think it’s cute

Me: thanks =^-^=

E: You’re very welcome

*talks about random other not important stuff*

E: I still think you're amazing 

Me: I still think you're too cool for me <3  but im glad you think highly of me

E: I do 

Me: I could gush about how you border "favorite person status" with me but figured it was just something i'd keep to myself 

E: You're super adorable

Me: I can be sometimes. hehe 

E: All the time. 

BASSICALLY THAT IS LIKE ... what happen we didn’t end up meeting up after that because her house was really dirty she said. so I just sort of had this random ass friend crush and wanting to fuck her and stuff for this long time... and i sort of thought it was like a mutual thing.. but at some point I dont think it was anymore. She must have lost interest. Anyways recently she went through a rough patch with her boyfriend and they were like split apart and i didn’t feel like pushing this crush cause it felt like the wrong idea thing to do. and like on christmas eve i was sort of just joking how I still hadn’t had sex in like 2 years. And she was like well its too late for pity fucks. that time is over. in the time me and brad for sort of split up i went on like 3 dates and i offered Marcus sex too... but he declined... she didn’t even offer it to me.. after all that stuff she said.. its kind of like... idk idk idk idk idk idk I hate myself. I’m just not ever fucking good enough... i want to kill myself. I want to kill myself because I genuinely fucking have a huge crush for my friend... but I have no fucking chance anymore... i have nothing but you see why I would get attached to her.. with all the thigns she said.. and offered...???? who the hell wouldn’t... *sigh*

I just want to feel wanted... for once .. dammit

#personal #text #nsfw #explicit #I'm sort of a slut.... #idk #this hurts seeing these #and how this all sort of ended... #fml fml fml fml fml fml #idk what else to tag this as.... #sensitive material #hypersexual #sad #suicidal #I just want to be loved... and someones #*sigh* #i hate everything

[idksheepthoughts]

I actually fucking wonder why I cared so much for so long. I do know that, for one, they dont trust this new person whoever they are. BUT technically its also someone they don’t trust I guess??? BUT also lmfao saying oh oh oh I dont have any friends I have nobody I wont ever make friends its so fucking hard. blah blah blah blah blah!!! and then boom suddenly I leave and then you suddenly have another follower on twitter that interacts with you and likes your tweets??? M U S T B E N ICE fuck you

#personal #ranting #venting #toxic friends #ex-friends i guess #i dont know why i even care at this point #just idk mad at my fucking self for #just sticking around #for so long #i know im trash #but still still still

[idksheepthoughts]

Yup... proof I'm toxic. When will you block me on Twitter I wonder... probably don't realize I'm still following I guess. I won't deactivate or unfollow until I'm blocked so I guess I'll just see whatever it is you want to write there... But also you're no innocent lamb either. You are plenty toxic. And made this friendship hard. . .

#personal #toxic friends #fake friends #Even if our friendship ended which was before my bday so you #didn't have to pretend to not get me anything again after I did so much for yours (: (: #whatever #Nobody is here

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversation Cont. P2

Her:  if that’s how its’s going to be then at the least you don’t get to follow my tumblr because why tf do i have to see your blog in my notes when this is our situation. idc what happens elsewhere yourefuse to unlearn anything even for the sake of this friendship and anything i say seems to go over your head & dont worry i softblocked you already again, i dont have to keep being forgiving at the cost of my own health and state of mind.

Me: I’m sorry, for not being a good friend ever. But i dont think for either of our sakes  it’s healthy to be around each other. You upset me by leaving and responding with sarcasm and belittling me. Even when I ask for clarification in the very beginning how you respond like “You just now noticed lol” set me off. When if you maybe just said it was an accident before I went off the deep end. I reacted poorly. But honestly, I dont think this works anymore. I dont hate you. I really don’t and I’m always really proud that you have been managing school on top of everything and when you went and actually talked to someone as well. But I don’t think I’m stable enough to be around you anymore. I just end up ruining things after we try to build things back. And its been this cycle for a long time. I feel like I just shouldn’t be here anymore because all i do is cause you trouble.

I’m glad you are still here and I’m glad you are trying really hard. But I’m not worth taking anymore of your time. I’m must going to disappear. Because all I’ve ever done is make the same shitty decisions and make your life worse than it already is by being in it. I’m not good for you. Or anyone really. I wont keep messing up but to do that I just need to push everyone else away and go off and die. Because all I know how to do is ruin everything. I’m really sorry I exist.

And maybe if we take a break and I get better things will work out. I’ll just ghost idk you can block me if you dont want me seeing things. I’m just not capable of being a good friend and all I’ve done this entire friendship is be a drain and slow and not understand things. Because I’m so fucking stupid.

Idk anymore. You can react however. I really dont hate you. I just dont feel I can be a friend. Because I’m so shit at it. And make you upset and it’s all i’ve ever done. So I guess to stop that I need to be a non presence. I wont bother you anymore. Sorry I couldn’t be better, I can’t control myself and I don’t want to keep hurting you over and over so... invisible I will become.

Her: hm. for clarification this is the one time i get upset for real and you use it as an excuse to make it seem like i’m always like this really, thanks you really dont let me get to feel any negative emotions, do you? only you’re allowed to be like that? I have to be forgiving all the time when it comes to you but if i get upset, then bam it’s over? idgaf but you at the fucking least don’t get to use that ever.

Me: Even if i say I’m sorry I fucked up I know I I’m going to do it again thats’ the problem with me

Her: Like i don’t fucking get it - one goddam time i dont hold your hand with good reason too - because it keeps fucking happening - not like you deserved it from the start - and i gotet to be vilified? offense but it hurts! it really hurts! anytime im upset it’s always an attack on you always and you’re right it is the problem

Me: Thats fair. I hurt you I know that I’m sorry that I did.

But when I did calmly ask why you did you were like the tone you used when I asked at the very beginning you use a lot. And I never learn how to not react to it poorly and I know that’s my fault too. It really is! My own fault for letting my brain and the delusion take things too far but I can’t see things like you can. It’s why I needed you to always explain things because my own reality is distorted according to everyone else. I don’t intend to vilify you for how you respond. I should just let shit go. But I didn’t and I’m sorry and I am trying to just do what I know to do which is disappear because I’m a problem and i always have been and I’m not getting better at it. I’m very very sorry I always upset you and make everything turn to shit by being the way that I am. I just dont want to keep hurting you. And the longer i stay in contact the more it’s just going to be this way because I don’t have access to what I need to be better. I just can’t fix myself through willpower and reminders because clearly it doesn’t work because I always make a mess like this . I’m sorry I’m just sorry.

#personal #conversations #idk im scum #toxic #pretty sure this just ended everything

[idksheepthoughts]

RE: Conversation points...

1. Yes because I feel responsible for all misfortune because I am a demon within a human and the more humans I trick into being close to me and manipulate and have these powers to just make people tend to like me somehow??? Because idk what I did to obtain this power, perhaps it is Fel who is inside of me a demon and therefore just have always had this ability to get people to keep talking to me just by continued contact until they realize I am too toxic and then they leave?? I also just absorb any negative emotions from people I let in. I just do ??? But when I ignore shit you start getting guilt trippy that nobody interacts??? am I supposed to be upset or am I supposed to just accept that you’re experiencing emotions???? LIKE I don’t know???

2. Because people have unfriended me or blocked me etc before and we’ve continued like nothing happen until I noticed it. People are fake, people are always fake and lie to me. Its why I have trust issues. Its why im paranoid always and I just can’t ever tell if people are just taking advantage of me or not. It was an accident but still just like.. maybe tell me it accidently happen so I dont fucking explode like this in the future??? NAH???? just gonna let this sit and wait for me to find out and have me explode and be angry ????? maybe if you followed me you would know that this shit happen recently and maybe that i would connect those two things as being similar??? byut oh wait i dont really talk about my problems that much with you because ... what was it???? idk we mostly just bullshit around in our conversation and I try to fumble my way through trying to help or whatever the hell you want out of this friendship... idk anymore.

3. I was really intoxicated and it was hard to process so many words all at once while I was splitting on you and hating your entire guts at that very moment. Black and white thinking is a trait. I realize that it happens and i even said I’m splitting really early on in the conversation. So take things with a grain of salt. AGAIN trust issues and irrational thought patterns.

4. Was that not what I was doing at the very beginning of the conversation???? BUT you always respond in such a sarcastic hateful bitchy tone every fucking time i even ask a damn question. all your lol and lmao and shit. MAYBE IF YOU just told me ‘oh it was an accident my bad.’  in teh first place we wouldn’t fucking fight all the fucking time??? LIKE the way you rrespond just leads me to believe you dont give a shit. and i know you dont give a shit and i know this isn’t me assuming because you  cause you just respond like a fucking sarcastic mean person all the time all the fucking time all the fucking time all the fucking time all the god dman time you always do that always always always and it doesn’t help me want to be calm and shit. It makes me punch desk and almost a hole in the wall . desk is solid i can punch that over and over until my kunuckles bleed. which guess what i was doing while we had this convo. not that youll ever find this shit. and if you do HELLO (: 

5. It wouldn’t be a problem???? well clearly it is. again if you followed me or if you even knew me better you would know that being imagined or not abandoned in any from sends me into episodes!!!!!! and yeah i mentioned a lot of people because those people have been there for me. and i’m glad they are still fucking alive because everyone i fucking am close with seems to be just as damn suicidal as I am and wanting to die and could attempt at any time and I just wanted to do something nice for once and try and just ... idk ????????? and the fact that you responded how you did on twitter after i did that made me really upset. because all i wanted to do was be thankful for the people. which was the whole fucking point of the post.... like DAMN way to twist soemthing positive into something that would explode and escalate. perhaps it is my broken brain that does this but still...... you could have just idk ... thrown a like and been like thanks. no you make everything about you YOU YOU. how you dont have friends???? I’M SORRY i tried helping but nothing i said worked. So just keep trying?????? if you really wanted some friends use tinder and get fuckbois all damn day they are easily manipulated and you could just get fucked like you want and have someone. it wouldn’t be a good relatiosnhip like you want but it would probably fufill basic shit. But nah that be too easy. I always think to just suggest that. but it probably end up with you just... not following through and whatever. im off topic.

6. Trust issues, yes , paranoid??? yes, distorted sense of reality??? Easily fuck up interpersonal relationships because of disorders??? think so... I am fully aware that these behaviors are bad. I know its not good to do these thigns but also I can’t stop it?????? I can’t stop it without actually knowing how to stop it??? and that would require money? access to treatment. which i’ve told you tons of time to do and take advantage of while you are still covered by your fucking parents and school and all that shit because i didn’t when i was younger and now im more fucked up then ever (: (: (: (:

7. Yeah you have to hold my hand... i’m just fucking stupid, and need extra stuff. I’M NOT LIKE YOU AND I CAN’T perceive things easily. you have to just be blunt and explain things because I just need that to understand. ???? is that so burdensome???? that I just need to have things explained over and over. Sorry.......

8. I am grateful???? that was the whole point of the thing???????? of thanking people for being alive and putting up with my awful mess???? Side note. lmfao you are not capable of murder. I love that expression you cry when you’re angry you woudln’t be able to kill someone. I however fucking have.... whatever thinking too much. saying too much saying too much. it was self defense dont worry.

9. I dont think your life is dandy??? I know its hard! but what the fuck do i say??? I’m sorry your life is shitty, I know it sucks but please dont die? i’ve said that a lot before.... im a broken record that you seem to not like that all i say is the same things over and over????? I dont have a super fucking positive outlook i might actually kill myself sometime after the new year. I dont believe everything will be alright if you try your hardest. but i can sure as fuck lie and tell you exactly that. but when i dont believe it myself its hard to keep that lie going. (: (:  I know i told you i was proud of you for going to counselling that one time but as far as I know you haven’t followed up on that... like i never know how to give you affirmation that you are trying. Clearly you are. you are going to school and even managed to get a job too! you are trying very hard. and i noticed that but i guess i didn’t show it. Sorry im bad. i’m the worst.

10. your defining personality trait that makes me split really hard. I get that I should just have thicker skin. But I just don’t.... just whatever you wont change that aspect.

11. Schizophrenia..... Delusions?? yup.. pretty sure thats a symptom?? Unlike me you dont have that problem with you brain. congrats another way to belittle me for being alive. but also like you can be irrational as you want. I just wont keep i guess whatever trying to argue and be the rational voice anymore. you believe what you want im done trying to help. i can’t help i can’t help at all.

12 sorry... i’m a horrible friend. You should have just fuckign left already... all I do is ruin everything. I’m better off dead.

#personal #replying to something nobody will ever see #schizophrenia #bpd #actuallyborderline #mental illness #if you dont understand this refer to my first post #thoughts #im a shit person #i should die #suicidal #talking to myself to order my thoughts i guess

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me....                                   any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late   but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked               but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it              

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else             

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that?         yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual                 since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter                 it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you      because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter?                   and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing   and here we are, situations reversed  

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.                                    

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely   i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here  (5)           so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm.    and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist                                    

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it              

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.                             

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x       (6) .those thoughts make me want to die      

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.                        

Her: oh, now you believe me                     after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there     it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit             like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post  idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/                           like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for   (8)      i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot     but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account                   where you seem ot think i live a dandy life   (9)                                    it fcking sucks bc im trying my best!                                           anyways im done lol           oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much)                    that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online      and we've been civil lately                         but ok! i guess i don't care!  because im living it up!       #sarcasm    (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either,  i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...    

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :)       (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)                           

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens   & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :)             god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff   liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything                 i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend  

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and  I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed.  But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.                   

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something    "idc if its an exaggeration"                                      ^^^^^^^             unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao    (11)     apparnetly you get to be and i dont                             thats how it always is            did you ever think about it feels for me   when my only friend does shit like this constantly    like lmao                                ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view  this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care       LOL     and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me       like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this  like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends  i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it?    but you just want to assume, assume, assume   (12) i cried already out of anger    

Me: I didn't have friends in college either                                 

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit       because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit      

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic   It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser.     I'll shut up now.

#personal #conversations #am I in the wrong??? #my perception of reality is very bad #I wish I could tell easily when im being irrational #but i feel like im also just being belittled and treated poorly in her responses too #i am toxic #bad friends #idk ... man #there is a lot i want to say to certain points I might edit and respond with my thoughts now that I am no longer intoxicated #long post