ori10n

[ori10n]

woke up in a cold sweat at 3am to make this

[ori10n]

when you know that you’re not special to anyone.

when you know you can be replaced.

when you’re in a group but you’re the last person someone would choose to speak to first.

when you’re the one who doesn’t get the insider jokes.

when you’re the one who gets to know about certain information the last.

when you know that people forget about you even tho you’re next to them.

when people forget your name, even tho they know you for almost a year.

when you know that you’re not the person that people would look after on the street.

when you know people never liked you the way you liked them.

when you know people can never like you that way.

when you’re the one who hasn’t any experience.

when you know that you’re not attractive enough to get attention.

when you know that people don’t think of you.

when you know that you’re forgettable.

when you know you’re in no ones mind.

when you know people find you boring.

when you know you’re alone, even in a group.

when you know you’re annoying to people when you talk.

when you know you won’t find someone.

when you know you’re alone.

when you know you’re going to die alone.

when you know that you’re annoying your friends with your problems.

when you know they don’t know what to do with you.

when you know you don’t have a future.

when you know you’re stupid.

when you know you’re useless.

when you know you’re a disappointment, not only to your parents, but to everyone you know.

when you know people think you’re weird.

when you know you will never be on a date.

when you know people will never think you’re handsome.

when you know you’re not funny.

when you don’t know what to do with yourself.

when you know you destroy everything.

when you know people don’t want to be around you.

when you know you would be everybodys’ last choice.

#being alone #feeling alone #sad thoughts #sad boy #dealing with anger #life sucks #sad #when you know #mood #disappoinment #boring #when you know you know #feelings #depressing #depressing post #this is depressing #tw depressing thoughts #depressing tw #bad mood #life #life’s shit

[ori10n]

I will never be allowed to be myself. they won't understand me. never. i am the mistake, the person who does everything wrong. the person who is not right. but if I get help, it's also wrong, that's not right either. they could be the trigger for something and that's not true in their eyes, they never do anything wrong. they gave me everything. never hit me (applause for this false realization). I'll admit that they care for me in a way, but that doesn't preclude the fact that they still hurt me. albeit passively or subconsciously? I dont know. What I do know, though, is that I just can’t deal with this anymore. I do not want to any more. I don't want to talk to them, I don't want to live with them, I don't want to hear or see them. please just let me be myself for once.

I give up.

#being alone #feeling alone #i'm sad #sad boy #sad thoughts #parents #sad #dealing with emotions #dealing with anger #dealing with sadness #dealing with trauma #life #life sucks #bad mood #current mood #Spotify

[ori10n]

I had a fight with my brother today. he acted like everything I did was wrong and when I stood up for myself he just insulted me and then told me I have to learn what respect is. thanks I guess, I love u too dear brother. thank u for treating me like shit when I obviously already was in a bad mood. after that I went to my room, locked the door and cried. I always cry when I‘m angry and I fucking hate that so much because it makes me feel so fucking weak… it‘s just great when you‘re already feeling down and then something like that happens. It‘s always like that. I hate everything here, I just want to go away and never come back. Why the fuck did I do to be treated like this all the time? I feel like my whole family uses me as a emotional punching bag when they are in a bad mood. I can‘t live with this shit anymore, hopefully I‘ll be fucking gone soon.

#being alone #feeling alone #sad #sad boy #sadness #i'm sad #sad thoughts #fight #bad mood #crying #i can‘t do this anymore #family #problems #dealing with anger #anger post #anger #my diary #diary entry #personal diary #online diary #tumblr diary #dear diary #diary

[ori10n]

so school started for me again and I don‘t have motivation at all. I‘m tired and I don‘t wanna wake up so early to force myself to this shitty place. Also, I live way too far away from my school so I have to wake up earlier than others and that is making me even more tired snd stressed. I also had an exam in spanish but that went okay I think. But I get to socialize a bit so I guess that‘s a good thing. But I still don‘t want to do anything. I‘m forcing myself. But I have good news I guess… I reached out to a therapist, but I‘m still waiting for an e-mail from them. I hope it‘ll be quick because I know that I need help but I was too scared to ask for it, but I talked to my and she encouraged me to do it. I hope everything will be better soon.

#being alone #feeling alone #i'm sad #sad thoughts #sadness #therapy #help #mental health #mentally drained #tired #mentally tired

[ori10n]

is that healthy? probably not. but hey at least it‘s a good distraction for me. otherwise I would be crying all day so that‘s a progress I guess. yesterday I was on a christmas market with my sister, (didn‘t know they‘re still open) where we met two of her colleagues. they drank a bit and talked, but I just sat there and was on my phone because I didn‘t know what they were talking about and I‘m shy and socially awkward, so I couldn‘t bring myself to open up because I didn‘t know the other two. they left me completely alone sitting there sometimes to go smoking. so yeah, I wasted my time to go out to be completely alone after all. that made me so damn sad. my relatively good mood was completely away after that and I just wanted to cry. I just wasted my time. great experience to be the third wheel. feels so great…so great…. hopefully my life will be better soon.

#tiktok #screen time #sad boy #sad thoughts #sadnees #i'm sad #christmas market #being alone #feeling alone #left alone #socially awkward #socially anxious #im shy #growing up shy #third wheel

[ori10n]

today was the first time that I told my sister openly that I am trans. she is supportive. I am so glad that I wanna cry because that shit means so much to me. it‘s so hard for me to out myself because I know that my parents definitly won‘t support me. it scares me. I know that I will very likely loose a huge part of my family (kind of conservative russians). But hiding my true self is so hard. it‘s mentally straining. I am tired. I just wanna be myself, but I can‘t and it hurts me so much. They will never understand me, I know that. I can‘t do this for much longer, I am hurt. It hurts. I wanna cry, but I hold it in. I hold every feeling in, I can‘t show them anything of the real me. to them I am a girl and it feels so wrong when they call me by my deadname. I don‘t wanna do this anymore, why can‘t I have supporting, love parents? people that do are so lucky. they should totally appreciate it. they are just so lucky..

hopefully everything will be alright in the end.

#sad thoughts #sad boy #sadnees #transgender #trans pride #trans man #trans #diaryposting #diary entry #personal diary #tumblr diary #my diary #online diary

[ori10n]

today was a kinda intersting day.

I woke up, showered, went outside to meet up with a friend of mine to get some bubble tea. that didn‘t happen tho, she had to cancel our plan so I to drive home again. but I didn‘t want to be at home. I‘m tired of home. I‘m lonely there. So I did something that I was and still am so afraid of. I went outside to go for a walk alone, with no one else with me. it felt so weird and it felt as if the people would stare at me because I‘m alone. it was kinda refreshing tho. it was nice to see the cute birds swimming around on the river. I wasn‘t outside for a longer time and it felt so good because I could relax while listening to music even though I am scared of being alone outside. I was and still am so proud of myself for doing that even though I felt scared and panicky around the people around me. but it got better when went further away from them all. when I came home again in the evening I made some good mozzarella tomato sandwiches and I loved it. I still feel sad and lonely. also got some bad news today, my grandpa is sick and now in the hospital. hopefully he‘ll be okay.

#tumblr diary #diary entry #personal diary #diaryposting #feeling alone #being alone #alonetime #going for a walk #keep going #mentally drained #mental health #sick of it #daily life #life sucks #sad thoughts

[ori10n]

my head is full of thoughts and I struggle a lot but my problem is that I just can‘t bring myself to open up to the people I love. and I feel so damn stupid about that because I know that I can trust them to not turn against me and that they would listen to me and I know that they would make me feel better and they would accept me and my struggles and my problems but my stupid head is working against me. I just can‘t bring myself to open up. I just can‘t. I‘m too damn scared to. I‘ so scared that I will be even more alone than I am feeling know. that‘s just painful. I am lonely and it hurts. it hurts so much but I don‘t open up. I don‘t wanna be a burden to anyone that I love because they don‘t deserve to feel bad because of me. That‘s why I keep it to myself, even if it hurts. I struggle to be social, I struggle to come out of my bed in the morning, I struggle to be productive, I struggle to eat, to be happy, I even struggle to brush my damn teeth because it‘s so hard to do the simplest tasks because I just don‘t have the energy to do those things. I behaviour like a that of a little asshole sometimes and I hurt those around me and mysely emotionally because of that. I‘m so fucking stupid but HEY it‘s the new year now, am i right? let‘s hope everthing is going to be better even though I know it‘ll be the same like every other year. I‘m scared.

#thoughts #new year #sad thoughts #my diary