#@ all my friends reading this i am not upset at anyone at all btw i'm just lamenting about being a mentally ill extrovert | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

orkbutch · 1 month

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So, I'm not really in the weeds of Transgender Discourse on the internet (I have a life and also care about my mental health) but I've seen something discussed here about trans masculinity and I wanna talk about it.

I'm very masculine. I'm butch, I'm trans masc, I've always wanted to be masculine and I feel most comfortable when I'm presenting as such. Without much effort or any intention on my part I am read as a cis man day to day. Because I don't present more fem, in queer spaces I am read and recieved as a man, maybe trans, probably into other men. People do not even consider if I'm a butch lesbian unless there's Significant context indicating it. Because of this I'm viewed through 'Man Lens'; It feels a different if I say 'bitch', if I talk about my attraction to women. I don't get smiled at, people put physical distance between me and them as much as possible.

This is familiar for a lot of trans masculine people and trans men that aren't androgynous/fem leaning in their style, and it is an upsetting change to happen. It makes us feel judged or misunderstood to suddenly be causing this wariness in others; it feels prejudiced. I've seen people putting words to this like transmisandry. This is something they want to lessen in their communities, so they don't have to experience this anymore.

Now, here's my opinion part: That's not going to happen. You cannot tackle the "problem" of people responding to your masculinity with wariness. They aren't controlling the wariness, they can't. More importantly, their wariness toward masculinity and what registers in their brain as "man-like" is well founded. It's based in lifetimes of experiences and trauma that has told them men can be very unsafe to be around, and that is true. Most men are cis, and cis men are the most threatening thing in this world to non-cis men. They are usually* socially privileged above others, more likely to inflict violence, more likely to abuse and murder others, are typically physically more powerful than others. Everyone thats not a cis man DEEPLY internalises a very rational wariness of men, and masculine presentation as an extension. Especially men that are strangers. (*This is of course different when we consider intersections of race, colonialism, classism, ect. But globally this generalisation is still pretty accurate.)

Honestly, I don't think this wariness towards masculine presentation is something thats useful or realistic to challenge. Like many internalised processes it's probably a good idea to examine it and consider its usefulness, but I think it'd be easy to conclude that it is a useful wariness for people to have. Women have lots of reasons to be wary around men, including the unique threats of transmisogyny. Queer and gender deviant men have lots of reasons to be wary around men. This is The Reality of patriarchy.

Personally, the place I've come to with how women and queer people react to my masculinity (which is not entirely negative btw, the wariness is just one aspect) is that... I understand their wariness. I have it too, toward those my brain assumes are cis men. I cannot control how they feel or what they think about me. I can only be respectful to others and to myself and live my life. I flag my butchness where I can, I make my gender clear to those it matters to, and the rest I accept as largely beyond my influence. All of us have to do this in some places in our lives.

Even though my masculinity makes other queers wary, I have lots of friends! I've had no real trouble dating or finding intimacy. Initial wariness is just that. Once you understand each other, break the barrier, its usually settled. For anyone who finds my masculinity so offputting that we can't break the barrier, I'm glad neither of us put each other through that discomfort. I understand where a fear like that comes from. I will still hold community with them because that's what solidarity entails.

Anyway thats my ramble about masculinity in queer community, good bye until another. who knows how long

#back on the tumblr diary #personal #edited the section about women having reasons to fear men and transmisogyny; poorly phrased lol.

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razorspidey · 19 days

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intro ⋆ READ B4 INTERACTING ⌁

my name is ajax/reo (you can call me either of those names) my pronouns are he/xe i am a minor (i'm 4teen) and i used to be @spinnspidey and @radiospidey and @knifespidey (that was the more known one) but i got t worded (again...). to whoever got me t worded, block dnt report. thanks!! ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა yeah so heres my intro. i'm a little bit of a weirdo if i do say so myself and i'm heavily tumblr obsessed so yeah i'll be on here nd i'll probably post a lot ^^ i'll post whatever goes through my mind which might be bad so warning on that. i might show symptoms of mental illnesses and if i do then mb idk not really my problem… but heads up i WILL say shit that shows that im not doing great. please do not try to save me or smth. also im looking for friends so bmf i promise im nice. DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT PROMOTE ANYTHING THAT I POST. I AM POSTING AS A WAY TO VENT.

more info + stats under the cut!!! (tw for talking about sh + ed. don't like, don't read.)

sh﹐tw . . . ⋆ i have been cvtting since 2022 ⋆ i have hit styro ⋆ only styro on my thighs ⋆ i am not allowed to cvt anymore (unfortunately) ⋆ i have cvt my thighs, arms, stomach, and neck ⋆ most scars on thighs + arms ⋆ mostly cat scratches ⋆ all scars have healed (or are almost done in the process of healing) ⋆ my parents found out so i can't do it for now... (⇀‸↼‶)

ed﹐tw . . . ⋆ i have always hated my body ⋆ started trying to lose weight january 2023 ⋆ started around december 2023 (probably before, like over the summer but idk...) ⋆ 160 cm (last time i measured myself at least..) ⋆ sw 57.6 kg (bmi 22.5) ⋆ hw 60 kg (bmi 23.4) ⋆ lw 51 kg (bmi 19.9) ⋆ cw 51.2 kg (bmi 20) [will update every morning] ⋆ gw 1 50 kg (bmi 19.5) ⋆ gw 2 45 kg (bmi 17.6) ⋆ gw 3 40 kg (bmi 15.6) ⋆ ugw 38 kg (bmi 14.8) [or lower tbh...]

dni . . . ⋆ basic dni (idrc ngl, do what you want but don't report me thanks) ⋆ judgmental people ⋆ overly sensitive people ⋆ people with mdni on their profile (i am literally a minor.) ⋆ creeps (guess you can interact but i'll ignore you if you say anything weird because one, i'm a minor, and two, i have a boyfriend.) ⋆ nsfw accounts (by this i mean accounts that reblog/post nudes, it's fine if you have some form of nsfw text but images is crazy) ⋆ people who aren't ok w dark topics/get uncomfortable by stuff like that (this is more for you than for me, i dont wanna make anyone upset) ⋆ people who get triggered by talking about sh, ⭐️ving, alcohol, etc… (yes i am aware that it's bad, no don't come to my dms with a savior complex telling me to get help. i'm trying to get help) ⋆ i block freely btw cuz ik a lot of ppl dont respect dni lists + theres people who are unavoidable at times…

byi . . . ⋆ if you interact with me, i might seem excited n stuff ⋆ i might sound like i'm flirting but i'm not (i have a partner and i love them) ⋆ i can make a lot of sex jokes ⋆ i am very immature ⋆ dnt try to "fix" me, i'll probably block you or ignore you ⋆ i'm a little unusual so yeah ⋆ dnt be scared to interact w me i luv talking to peopleヾ(≧∇≦)ゞ ⋆ i am not pro €d or $h i just post about it and my experience…

fandoms . . . ⋆ hypmic (hypnosis mic) ⋆ genshin impact ⋆ paralive (paradox live) ⋆ servamp ⋆ tougen anki ⋆ karneval ⋆ bsd (bungou stray dogs) ⋆ seraph of the end ⋆ litc (lost in the cloud) ⋆ kagerou daze ⋆ the case study of vanitas ⋆ pandora hearts ⋆ enstars (ensemble stars) (i am KIND OF a part of it because my ex filled me up on a lot of lore when we were together…) ⋆ pjsk (project sekai) ⋆ theres probably some others but i forgot…

interests . . . ⋆ vkei ⋆ scene ⋆ anything bloody ⋆ cannibalism (ooh edgy) ⋆ tortures ⋆ psychology ⋆ music (i listen to vkei, scene, metal, etc…) ⋆ vampires ⋆ fanfiction (mostly genshin but other stuff occassionally) ⋆ true crime (im not tcc) ⋆ rarepairs (mostly genshin) ⋆ bats ⋆ writing ⋆ books ⋆ etc… ⋆ btw if youre interested in any of these or are interested becoming friends PLEASEEE message me 🙏🙏😓 im looking for friends pleaseplwaseplease

tags . . . ⋆ i tag all my posts with #razorspidey ⋆ i tag my normal posts with #razorspideys normal posts, meaning they are unrelated to $h and/or €d related things ⋆ i dont have a specific tag for $h/€d/vent related things so beware. i usually put a warning on all my posts like that at the end of the post tho ⋆ i tag my moodboard with #razorspideys moodboards ⋆ i tag stuff about me/my life as #razorspideys diary ⋆ i tag my rants/more serious posts with #razorspidey rants ⋆ block any of those tags or my blog if you do not wish to see it!!!

other links . . . ⋆ fanfic/dead dove: do not eat blog ⋆ poem blog ⋆ carrd

remember!!! block DONT report this blog if you need to ^^ this blog is meant as a way to vent my feelings/talk about my feelings so please don't dm me about how its bad. i am aware.

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mrs-monaghan · 7 months

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Hello Shaz

I would love to hear your opinion on 3D and all the talk around it

My thoughts on the talk around it is; "wow, well this is a load of garbage" (no offence to any friends I may have who don't like the song I just disagree that its a terrible song)

Alright. 3D. Let's talk. My thoughts. First, what's with the fucking homeless trousers??

I hate rich people 😭😭😭😭 if I wear this people will wonder why I didn't go back home to change after I fell in mud 😪

Anyhu, before i even say a thing. We should probably all try to remember that JK said this

(Thanks @chicknbunny13)

Yeah sure, even if he doesn't write a song, he may resonate with it. But not everything he does is a reflection of his actual life. This one, is for the Jikook antis btw. This is why my anons are still off. People, I dont have the energy for antis rn. JK sang 'girl' so what? This topic is super old and tired and consider it officially retired from this blog. I'm sooooo over it 🥱🥱🥱🥱

Now that we have that out of the way let's tackle the fact that our JK is a grown, grown adult. I don't need to bring back the live where he told people he's an adult and he is almost 30 and he will do what he wants to do. And if he wants to sing about this, that's exactly what he will sing about.

Oh my,

Even Jimin knows all about it

BAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!

Let is be known i am choosing to take that sentence literally. I think JK just means him, the girl, with champagne and confetti. I really don't think it means anything else here. But, seeing as this is another sex song, I won't put it past him.

Anyone else notice a recurring theme here?

Okay then. 😳

Also shout out to this random kid with the horse

I can't be the only one who has no clue what his point was 😂😂😂

While we are on the champagne topic,

I mean....

Make no mistake, SEVEN and 3D are singing about the same thing. If SEVEN was in your face, 3D is subtle. But they are both just talking about sex here. Which is why it doesn't make sense to me why people are so upset??? As a person who likes Harlow and has heard his songs before, this did not shock me one bit. There is nothing wrong with this song. It is meaningless and shallow but guess what, thats the type of music the GP is listening to rn. I understand why Asians have an issue with this line

And I can respect that. I don't have to understand it, but if Asians say its offensive, then its offensive. In which case I think that's just ignorance on Harlow's part. The people behind the song and JK himself are not going to okay something degrading. So it is of my opinion that people are reading too much, way too much into something that aint even meant to be deep.

It's a song, about sex. The only thing deep about it, is the holes that will be getting penetrated.

This song doesn't require to be analysed. Okay, maybe when trying to decipher the analogies being used but that's it. JK has one agenda and one agenda only; release music that the general public will devour, get his name out there and be a huge pop star. And it is working.

Cue Boracity's new video about each member and who their target audience are for each solo project

youtube

JK did not write these songs. If he did I'm sure they would have more meaning. But that's not what he's aiming for rn. Right now the man just wants to put out something that he knows will sell. Wants to put out something that will be a hit. And 3D is exactly that. Just like SEVEN. Mans was asked for the meaning of the song and by his answer, I'm not sure even he knows.

What??

Did anyone understand that???? If you did, break it down for me coz I did NOT understand that 😂😂

This song has no meaning. Its shallow, catchy, easy to remember and move to. Enough with trying to complicate shit! It ain't that deep. Period.

JK cared more about the choreo.

While Jack is calling himself a whore for wanting 4 women, JK is busy dancing throughout. So I will listen to JK and enjoy the song and choreo. Because there is nothing in the lyrics and there was never intended to be.

Idk why y'all mad when we stan a consent king:

Personally I dont have time to be angry because 1) i see no reason to be, and 2) i am too busy admiring JK's body proportions 🤤🤤

Damn, Jimin's man is hot!!!!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

#jungkook thirst trap #3d jungkook #3d jk #jungkook 3d #ask shaz #bts ask #jungkook #jeon j #bts #jikook #kookmin

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 9 months

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WIBTA for taking everything I can from a former friend?

I 20 met this guy J 24M last year through a mutual friend, and since we happened to live in the same neighborhood we hung out more. For context, during this entire time I am/was also supporting an unrelated person financially, so I need every penny and have way less than J.

J has borderline personality disorder and does not go to therapy. I don't want to vilify anyone in the same situation, I'm just bringing it up because J's bps deeply impacts every aspect of his life.

He'd been going through some tough times, with his love life going to shit, cutting off his toxic family and having to find his own apartment etc, so I helped him often.

Since neither of us have much, we shared stuff regularly, e.g. he'd buy me food sometimes and I gave J my skateboard, among other things. I painted his walls & decorated, because I have the skill necessary and he doesn't. I went out to look at furniture with him. I asked my parents to give him furniture they were selling (he got it free). I frequently went to his place in the middle of the night, whether he had splitting migraines or thought someone had tried to break in. I helped him organize a Christmas party, even though he cancelled it because he got angry at someone or something. I cooked for him a few times (he doesn't cook). I let him use my washing machine after he moved into his new apartment without one, even though he owned a cat so all his clothes were covered in cat hair and I have a severe cat allergy, meaning I couldn't do my laundry normally & sometimes it came out with cat hair no matter how hard I tried (this lasted 8 months and would have gone on indefinitely if not for following events). Btw I did all of this without asking for anything in return.

Earlier this year, because of his ridiculously high expectations, he dumped his best friend at the time (the mutual friend), and assigned me his new best friend. After a few months, they became friends again anyway but I kept the "best friend" title.

In July, he hurt his dominant hand during an angry outburst. I was there when it happened but he seemed fine at the time. When he came to do his laundry the next day, Sunday, he told me that his hand was sprained and we talked about how he'd need to see the doctor the next day. He agreed to go. He promised to go to the doctor.

I know he's not good with going to doctors, especially on his own. So I texted him the next day and asked if he'd already gone. He responded "Nope, don't feel like", and upon asking why, he said that "it'll heal on its own anyway". Which to me read as 'I don't care.'

This pissed me off. I blocked him. I planned to unblock him once I'd calmed down, probably in a few days. I was really upset about this because it happens regularly. Him not going to the doctor when he should is a pattern, a bad pattern. He's gotten me sick that way.

The next day he texted my partner, asking if I was okay. They explained that i was upset at him for telling me he'd go to the doctor but then not going. He blew up at them that it was none of my business anyway whether or not he went to the doctor. Whined about his medical anxiety (which is valid but wasn't the point). Said that the sprain was healing so he didn't have to go. They argued for a while until my partner got tired and stopped responding.

Apparently I am now no longer his friend. He asked our mutual friend to tell me to pick up my stuff. I'm busy these days, so I haven't done it yet.

When I pick up my stuff, it's gonna be a whole list of things: a seat/cushion, a stovetop, 75€ worth of comics, a measuring tape, the skateboard, a box. I'll also bring him laundry detergents that are laying around at my place still.

Now WIBTA if I ask him to also give me pain medication to replace all the meds I gave him and money for the furniture I got him for free at the time (I'll ask 40€ even though they're worth more)?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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circular-bircular · 10 days

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Sup! I’m not a part of the whole be nice to persecutors squad, but I do rehabilitate persecutors sometimes as an ex-persecutor myself and I would like to hear your thoughts on my opinions (genuinely I am open to change. Ik I'm harsh). This is going to be a long one and I’m sorry if I sound dismissive of other feelings it’s more of a how it all feels to me.

This is all persecutor discussion that may be upsetting. Please read with caution or delete from your inbox as you see fit.

So yes of course persecutors should not be treated like monsters they are a part of a system. They are people (or whatever word refers best to one’s conscious collective) and they deserve love and respect like anyone else. So are the people they hurt though. I feel that’s really forgotten in this positivity around the guy that hurts people.

So in my villain era I just chose to be an asshole. I was pissed at the system and wanted to make their lives hell. Letting me front was a mistake I was purposefully off putting around our friends (no they didn’t bloody deserve it I knew what I was doing. I also wasn’t mean I was off putting, to be clear). I wasn’t a confused protector. I wasn’t protecting us. I made the conscious decision and effort to hurt or disturb anything I came into contact with because I was mad. Not all persecutors are like this but my annoyance is at the whole persecutor positivity that includes people like me.

I didn’t change because the system was nice to me. I wouldn’t have changed because someone got me an ice cream or sympathised with me (and they tried) I changed because I happened to be fronting one night and someone was vulnerable in front of us. I’d been nothing but an asshole up until them but I was trusted because in that moment I wanted to change and trusting that I would try I was allowed to. I masked and helped the guy.

That’s not advice btw that’s just, what happened. No one being nice to me or trying to get me to change made me change it was having room for the decision to change that changed me. Getting mad at me for being an ass, making me say sorry for being an ass and treating me like someone who was an ass didn’t stop me from recovery. I whole heartedly believe that you don’t owe all persecutors kindness.

I was reforming a dipshit and I’ve been nothing but kind to her and she was still a dipshit. She understood she was being a dipshit but was fulfilling a role she thought had to be fulfilled and while I slowly undid that the person she was “tasked” with being a dipshit toward was allowed to be angry and upset and hurl insults back. You should be allowed to feel like you’re protecting yourself.

And finally my most controversial statement. System jail is fine. Locking up parts of your system for being assholes isn’t good for them but when you can no longer take the constant abuse or you have too many other problems that’s fine. I don’t understand the weird obsession with being nice to the bully. In my experience that wont stop em and sometimes there is no space to give them room to change all you can do is protect yourself until there is space.

I’m not a persecutor hater. I’m just an internet guy that says the online advice f being nice ignores the people that get hurt. It’s a nuanced and individual situation. Internet advice does not fix that. I am nice when there’s room to be nice and I believe that prosecutors will heal but the shit they fucking did should not be overlooked.

& If any recovering persecutors are reading this. I see you. You’re on a difficult path. You deserve love and respect and to live life.

This wasn't one of the eaten asks, but I've honestly been trying to work out how to respond to this for a long time. I'm gonna try and break this down for myself. And by that I mean, here's Debbie with the weather.

Absolutely, anon. The people we've hurt need to be rewarded for the shit they've survived from us. I was a complete and absolute bitch, and I apologize for how much of a bitch I was -- but not for the reasons why I was a bitch. I'm not going to apologize for my trauma. For any persecutors reading this, nobody here is asking you to apologize for who you are. We're just saying, acknowledging that you hurt someone is a good place to start.

Anon, take this whatever way you want, but that to me sounds like protecting your system. I purposefully made myself unpleasant to be around. I fucked with my friends and purposefully pissed them off, not "to protect us UwU" but because they were fucking stupid to be friends with these idiots. The other fuckers in my head were weak, pathetic, and pointless. I pretended to be other parts, just to pull the rug out from under my friends, because god was it easy to, and it was absolutely hilarious to see their reactions. I tortured my other parts innerworld, because god was it fun to make them realize just how pathetic they were, just how much better I was than them. My goal was to get the other parts to kill themselves (what I understood as dormancy after some time) and let me just take charge, because I wanted to live.

And yeah. That's me protecting my system.

Because the more I bashed us, the more I said, "let me take over because I'm better than you," the more I pushed away all my friends... It was the more I "kept us safe" from getting hurt from the outside. Rice won't be hurt if she doesn't exist. Rice won't break down from trauma memories if fill her brain with trauma memories 24/7. Rice won't lose her friends and break down if she has no friends to begin with.

I didn't do that on purpose, of course. I didn't look to help these assholes. I wanted them GONE. But now that I'm reformed, now that I can look back at what a mess I actually was, instead of the perfect being I thought I was, I can understand that all of that was my misguided way of protecting us. Even if I didn't understand that at the time.

I made that conscious decision to hurt, and it was influenced by the unconscious decision to protect.

Now, maybe you really were just a pissy lil bitch who wanted to hurt people, whatever, I really couldn't care less about you. But at the end of the day, alters in DID systems split for a reason -- to cope with trauma and make it bearable to survive through. So regardless of what edgy pre-teen bullshit you're spouting, if you're an alter, you're a form of protector in some way. At least in my eyes.

Cool! Glad you worked your shit out. I started getting better because someone was really fucking mean to me. I mean, I had food poisoning, was running out of the room to vomit, and my friend still sat me down for like a 2 hour or so lecture about how I was a fucking awful person and she wouldn't stop lecturing me until I shaped the fuck up and understood why she thought I was bad. That fucking BROKE me.

Being nice to your persecutor is one way. Torturing them after fucking cafeteria mozzarella stick induced food poisoning is another. To each their own, y'know? (Side note, I know you don't follow me here bby but I love you, thank you for slapping the shit out of past me with your words and anger <3)

I wholeheartedly believe nobody is owed kindness. Kindness is a choice I make -- one that can easily be decided against if it is no longer beneficial to be kind. I owe no loyalty to kindness. I choose to be kind, because why the fuck wouldn't I be, you fucking idiot?

Ok but that was a kind thing to do. Like. That's what I mean when I say to be kind to your persecutors. Letting them BE ANGRY IS A GOOD THING???? So confused why this isn't seen as being kind. You took the time out of your fucking schedule to help give that person a space to be upset and angry. That's kindness. That was a choice.

God you're so fucking hilarious tbh.

Yeah, sure, whatever, system jail is fine, esp in cases like. Where you're still in an abusive situation. That's because you're allowed to make mistakes, and system jail is a mistake. It's perfectly valid and fine while also being really fucking awful and stupid.

The "weird obsession" with being nice to the bully isn't "it will stop them." It's "that's an entire ass part of yourself, stop fucking airing your self-hatred out in public for everyone to see, it's nauseating."

TL;DR: Being kind to your persecutors is a choice. Obviously, it's not one you HAVE to make, but it's highly suggested. The issue is, "kindness" looks different for everyone. For me, it was "kind" to have someone do the equivalent of a guttural scream for 2 hours. For others, it's fru-fru shit that makes them feel all warm and fuzzy. For you, it was just giving someone the time and space to be angry. Making mistakes is okay. Do what you want forever and who even gives a shit? And FFS, OBVIOUSLY, LET'S NOT IGNORE THE VICTIMS OF OUR ABUSE. (But yknow, let's not ignore the fact that persecutors are also victims of abuse and they get blamed for literally every fucking thing jfc).

#Shadows In The Petunia Garden #Persecutors #Syscourse #I imagine I was incredibly rude here #But whatever #asks #anon

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rollforfelicity · 8 months

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On Mind Flayers and Safety Tools

or Why Aren't You Having Fun, You Miserable Fucks

Apparently some assholes read something in a D&D book that was like "hey there's an option in this module that could be upsetting to players, so before you do this, make sure you have consent from players," and got SUPER upset about it, and it's got me thinking about GMing and how I feel about it.

Idk if it's a D&D thing or a dude thing, but there's this narrative about DMs* where they're like, these all powerful gods whose job it is to punish players who "make dumb decisions." When players express preferences, or ask that certain material be off-limits, these guys act like players are trying to cheat their way to "winning the game," by avoiding consequences. They get mad even THINKING about it. They don't want to collaborate on a story, and I don't think they even want to be a glorified referee. They want to be cops. They want to impose their will on the people around them, and they want to be petty, vengeful shits while they do it.

That has not been my experience DMing, nor has it ever been my desire (because I'm not a fucked up dude-monster). GMing is an act of service, one that I love to provide.** I GM because I want my friends to have a fun time, and I want to have a fun time with them. I want to hear their ideas. I want to hold their hands and guide them back to a state of childlike imagination, before they were afraid of looking stupid. I want them to feel safe to explore emotions they push away in day to day life.

When something bad happens to their character, I want it to be the bad thing THEY want it be: the inevitable tragedy we've been foreshadowing since character creation, that fatal foible they've been mentioning all session, the darkness they've been treading further and further into.

People tend to simplify "safety tools" into "don't trigger your players." That's obviously one goal, but my view is that safety tools are a lot more than that, and avoiding triggers is the minimum of what safety should do. I want to know what stories we're tired of telling. I want to know what tropes we dislike. I want to know if a character from someone's backstory is one they'd like to stay alive, or one they want to find dead at the hands of the BBEG. I want to give them the chance to name their own parents and siblings. I want them to decide if the sports team they play on is doing well or not when the story begins.

Even outside the narrative aspect of safety tools, when I stream, I always explicitly tell players "You know your needs more than I do. If you need to get up and get a drink or a snack, or tend to any other need, get up and do it. You don't need to ask for permission." I consider this part of player safety. I want people to be comfortable.

Regardless of your role at the table, if you're playing and you don't give a shit about whether or not everyone at the table is having a good time, I think you're fucking up the most BASIC aspect of what a TTRPG is. It's a game.

It's supposed to be fun.

These asshole DMs are failing TTRPGs at the most basic level. "How am I supposed to punish my players if they say they don't want to get turned into a Mind Flayer?" Why the fuck are you punishing people in a game? When your friends sit down to play Monopoly, do you call dibs on being banker and then say "oh btw if anyone does what I think is a stupid move, I'm going to tase you."

If you want to run a game where you can turn people into a Mind Flayer when they fail a roll, then find a table of people who would enjoy that.*** Some people have genuine fun playing Dark Souls, whereas if I ever played a souls-like game, I would die of frustration. I'm not here to tell you how to have fun. I'm just here to tell you that everyone should be having a good time playing games, whatever that looks like.

*I would usually use the more generic term GM, but this seems to be a specifically DM thing

**This gets into my thoughts comparing different GM styles to different kinds of sex but sadly my brand isn't horny enough for me to write that.

***Honestly a lot of this has sexual parallels but again, I must consider my sexless brand

#ttrpg #dungeons and dragons #gming #dming #safety tools #bloggy blog

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kart0 · 26 days

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Venting about me being stupid tw ed and suicide thoughts

...hey

I feel like I should start this by saying I've been actually pretty well lately ! I am drawing again, I lost weight which was something I really wanted, I think I made new friends, and I've been growing a lot on social media - I love the attention btw

So what do I have to complain now ? Dani doesn't this get tiring ? Uhhh yes but it's my blog so FUCK YOU

Anyways, it's exam season and there's a lot of things to do. And I have to mention I am illiterate I do not read nor am good at writing. I guess it has to do with my anxiety, I have a lot of thoughts. A LOT. That keep playing 24/7, so it's kinda hard to write something coherent.

So, I have this class, ceramic class, and I am terrible at it. Like. Super bad. Everything I do looks so bad it's literally disgusting to look at. Ok so we had this essay to do and I did, proudly, and I finish it on time which made me so happy. And I thought I did pretty well in fact !

Hm. Thought. We got our grade today and I got such a bad grade. Like. Not even half of the grade. And now I can't stop crying and feeling so stupid specially because ! Basically everyone in my class uses Chatgpt and gets away with it. And I swore, on my life, that I would never, NEVER, use AI to do my work. To do nothing, really. I have an ego the size of the universe, and I am extremely proud. It's my dignity on risk. What would my parents think of me ? What would I think of myself ???? I would never do that. Instead I keep writing everything on my own, with references of course. I used to think I'd rather get a low grade instead of using chat fucking gpt.

Well, now that I actually got a low grade I am really really upset, and regretful. Why did I have to be so proud and stupidly arrogant with my abilities. I know I FUCKING KNOW I can't write for shit. I keep thinking about how I should've used AI.

And I feel so shitty I skipped dinner tonight. Because I feel like I should starve and die. I do not deserve food. All I have to feel right now is fucking pain, and be miserable. Because I am failing this class. And I know, rationally speaking, this is super dumb. It's just a class and it's just one essay y'know. And I need to eat. Cuz honestly I'm pretty hungry.

But I keep thinking about what I did, and how I could've done so much better. I feel like such a fool.

Such a fucking fool.

And now my thoughts are spiraling, how I should either dropout of college (again btw) or kill myself ! Damn bro. Chill for a second.

And I have been eating less. Too less in fact. That's how I've been able to lose weight. So eating even less each time feels like a sickly accomplishment somehow. And I keep weighing myself everyday, morning and night. Sometimes 10 times a day. And all I want is for the number to get lower. It's so sick I should stop but I don't know how. And I feel so embarrassed and ashamed, I haven't told anyone about this.

I need to lose more weight, I NEED to lose more weight. Keeps on replay, and I work even harder to not eat. It's a game of being unworthy of basic human needs. I am starving myself to death. I know that.

And now I am punishing myself by not eating anything at all because of a fucking essay. Why do I keep doing this. What am I even trying to achieve with this. I keep feeling sick and nauseated and it's so bad and I keep taking pills for headaches and I just feel so... stupid

But I need to see me getting skinnier. I feel proud. And there was a time when this happened before too, when I was 18-19. I was so skinny back then and I did not eat.

And now it's happening again and I can't remember how I stopped the first time.

I don't want to feel sick all the time. I don't want to keep looking at the scale. I don't want to think I have to deserve food.

I don't want to die.

But I want this to be over. So much. And I know it's not the end of the fucking world but why, why does it feel like this all the time. Why can't I be normal, and have normal thoughts, and behave normally, and just be fucking ok for once.

I was doing so well... How did I end up like this again.

When will this ever stop ?

#me #rant #vent #uhhhhh

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wujico · 2 months

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8 months. gone. i feel really selfish lol. here comes a trauma dump/ fun story :p around two years ago, my online best friend of (at the time) three years, suddenly up and blocked me out of nowhere, with no explanation. at the time, i was between friend groups and was completely friendless irl. (they had actually helped me leave my toxic friend group, promising i would have them if i left them). welp they lied and blocked me and didn't offer an explanation 😀😀 i was alone. i cut, i attempted multiple times, and i kept wondering what i did wrong. they blocked me, so i must have hurt them is what i told myself. that entire time i blamed it on myself: "this is why i have no friends" and "i'm the reason everyone leaves me". bla bla bla. basically i had to learn to live life without anybody while dealing with mental health problems and a bunch of undiagnosed shit. flash forward i think close to seven months??? i was getting dreams about them constantly during the time they blocked me; i would imagine they would come back and explain everything and i'd wake up crying when it wasn't true. rinse and repeat. but then i met my best friend irl .... they were the best thing that happened to me. i finally started to get over my other friends- including the one who blocked me. i went to therapy, i stopped cutting for a while etc etc etc wow i am going on and on about backstory that doesn't even matter. anyway, seven months later after i was finally beginning to heal (my green blocked number texts turned from "im so sorry i hurt you" to "fuck you".) well... suddenly they unblocked me. i had the worst panic attack of my life, cut myself, went into a state where i couldnt tell if it was another dream. but.. im a people pleaser by nature. i said it was fine (it wasnt). i told them they didnt hurt me (they did) i agreed we could start over. that was back in 2022.... its been a bit now. we've met up irl (my first time flying alone whoooo). we've gotten in a qpr..things are better! and i really love them. but anyway, tonight they sent me a full ass document of what really happened when they were gone / what lead up to them cutting me off. it was.... a painful read. mostly because they went through so much trauma, pain and manipulation which i wont say here because its bad and its a lot. so thats why i feel selfish!! because even tho theyre sharing this with me, i can only think about pain i went through when they left me so suddenly. i also found out they left me because one of their new friends thought i was a bad person. they threw out all the gifts i ever got for them, they didnt even give me one text for an explanation. i thought they fucking died at first. i even found out that they were purposly distancing themself from me months before they even blocked me- all because of this new friend. they picked that friend over me... so i feel hurt. is that bad? i feel like a bad person. anyway lol i just found out after they blocked their bad friend ... they came crawling back to me. i dont know... it feels like i was just a rebound– they had nothing so they went to someone they knew would give them everything if they asked for it– me.

i just found this all out and read about all their trauma. i dont deserve to even feel upset about this but i am. im so selfish. btw for content, their friend and them blocked me and thought i was bad because "deities" from their "desired reality" (yes they were shifters) told them i was a bad person. (they even asked their pendulum about me!!! 😃😃😃)

so yeah abyway thats my trauma dump for the day since i cant talk to anyone about it

I AM SO SORRY IF YOU READ THROUGH THIS ALL

#storytime #mental illness #depressing shit #digital diary #send help #im dying #im gonna die

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elvenbeard · 11 months

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I read your post about headcanons about Kerry's sexuality, and I totally agree with what you said about headcanons not taking away from representation, but I'm curious what your view are on mods that change a character's sexuality so anyone can romance them? I know there is, or at least used to be, quite a bit of debate around that. You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I'd hate to start any discourse drama on your blog. I'm just curious because I'm not even sure where I stand on the matter, and have been back and forth on it for a long time.

It's all good nonny! I have been asking myself that lately tbh, and I know I've been back and forth on it myself, too.

In this moment in time, I am completely indifferent on the existence of mods that do stuff like that. I don't condone or like them, but I'm not gonna do anything about them either. I know years ago in the Dragon Age fandom there was huge discourse and drama around a mod that made Dorian (canonically gay, his whole character arc revolves around that fact, just in case you're not into that series) available to be romanced by a female Inquisitor. And back then I was absolutely livid. Dorian was (and still is) one of my fave characters in the DA universe. And honestly, I couldn't even tell you now if anything ever came off of that whole drama (but I doubt it, cause it rarely does) - that's how pointless Internet drama really is. In the worst case, the person who made that mod got driven out of fandom entirely and now has negative associations with the queer community as a whole.

Do I think that mods that change a queer character's canon orientation are amazing? No, not really, and most of the time, especially in Dorian's case, they make no sense at all for the characters' arcs. I personally would never wanna play them and I'd also rather not know why some people make them.

(I'm completely biased here btw, because I do not feel as negatively about mods that change a canonically straight character's orientation to something queer. Simply because I'm queer and greedy for more representation, because there cannot be enough XD Does that make me a hypocrite to some people? Maybe, but honestly, I don't really care. And as I said in my post, and as you mentioned, even the "straight mods" do not take away from any queer representation that canonically exists.)

The thing is, me and others screaming and yelling about "straight mods" (or "bi mods" for characters that are explicitly gay/lesbian) is not gonna change a thing, mods like that are always gonna exist. Content I don't agree with is always something I can come across at random, and I keep finding new things that make me go "nope!" regularly. And even if I'm not screaming and yelling, and instead try to be reasonable, talk objectively with the mod makers as for xyz reasons their mod is not good in my eyes... I'm too old for that shit XD I'd rather use my energy and limited time to make a lot of gay stuff featuring my favourite queer blorbos instead of arguing with strangers why a straight!Dorian or bi!Judy or straight/bi!whoever mod is bad. Fandom should be a hobby, not activism, and you can go about fighting homophobia in a lot better ways than arguing about who certain pixel people would like to bone or not.

I wish there were - or maybe there are and I haven't figured it out yet - ways to filter stuff I don't wanna see on Nexus for example like there are on tumblr, ao3, any other social media site with a good tagging system and means to block tags or phrases or users. Curating your own experience and finding people who share your interests is so important and has really improved my time in fandom a lot over the last years. And it's good to have friends you can rant to about stupid things that upset you in private, definitely XD

So, on that note, ship whoever you wanna ship in this context, but tag it so that people who don't wanna see it can avoid it and don't get mad. Also sorry this got long and slightly off topic, I'm a chronic rambler.

(also, if anything's unclear, feel free to reach out again! sometimes I don't express myself as well as I think I do XD)

#answered asks #anonymous #I don't know how to tag this uuuuhhhhh #fandom stuff

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petefromarma · 3 months

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You can (and should) laugh at me for this, but am I the only one who prefers that the band hasn't said anything about gaza because I'm lowkey terrified I wouldn't like what I hear if they did? Like I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw Andy was part of a fundraiser for the palestinian children's relief fund because it was semi-solid evidence that the other guys felt similarly but it's still not concrete evidence, and if any of them had opinions more in line with Gabe's it would both break my heart and absolutely ruin the fandom for me, and I can't change how they feel so I would rather just not know, and I am absolutely aware that makes me a coward but I was also too cowardly to ask my immediate family what they thought for MONTHS even though I was 90% sure they would agree with me and I have not said a DAMN thing at work either because I really don't trust my coworkers. I KNOW its awful and cowardly, but if (just in case) their opinions are bad I just dont want to fucking hear them. (This is stupid and you dont have to publish it btw, I dont even know what im trying to accomplish here besides process a feeling I've been having this whole time and feel guilty about HAVING, let alone expressing.)

putting this under a read more bc it’s long

so let me preface this by saying that i am not under the impression that fob minus andy are active zionists or anything as they have not given me a reason to believe such a thing; that being said, i think that at this point, at their level of celebrity, that silence is complicity, to a degree. this can be said for anyone with a platform who has not spoken up, at this point. and imo pete’s silence plus him/his family still being close with biden is already not…great. he should have experienced far more backlash than he did from the fandom for attending that white house party; people let up on him because he deleted the post which as i’ve said before was the right thing to do but that doesn’t take away from the fact that he did go.

gabe rightfully got his ass handed to him and ik everyone has different levels of what they’ll tolerate, but to me the white house incident was pretty fucking bad and i was surprised no one came for pete even half as hard. i understand the bidens are his family friends or whatever but at this point it cannot be ignored that the man himself is a genocidaire. so.

anyway i understand your anxiety, i think it’s normal to be upset at the thought that the individuals responsible for something you’ve invested a large amount of your life in are not good people. regardless, and i hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but i would suggest trying to come to terms with the possibility that the other three maybe do not have the best or most correct opinions re palestine; i don’t think any of them, as i said, have actively horrific beliefs, but to me their passiveness (as well as pete’s continued involvement with the bidens) is itself a moral failing.

idk there’s a lot to be said on this topic re complicity and celebrities in general but that would be too much for me to get in to tonight. i think it’s also necessary to remember that this is far bigger than fob which is part of why i was saying i don’t understand why we’re not flooding their insta comments since most of foblr seems to be involved with pro palestinian initiatives to some degree. idk i suppose it can be argued that swifties are just “badly behaved” or whatever but like i said i see a good amount of them every day mentioning that she STILL hasn’t said anything and i feel like we could be doing the same not just with fob but with other bands in the scene like mcr.

anyway re also the stuff in your personal life; i think knowing how to phrase things to people who are not within the leftist sphere who have been propagandized to all of their lives is also an important part of activism and you don’t necessarily have to go full throttle all at once. if you need resources let me know and i’ll find you some

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opossumanon · 3 months

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hey chat I've been having an identity crisis that's been reacquainting me with my old friends, my mental issues, and it's not fun and I'd like to go back to my path to recovery but I don't think that's gonna happen until I sort out said identity crisis so I'm gonna need some help if yall have the time

So historically I've always been a bit of a loner and a weirdo compared to my peers, mostly because of audhd (autism + adhd) but being transgender certainly hasn't helped me either. It started a few months ago when I first got a glimpse of punk culture and what it was like, and after I found a cool jacket at a thrift store I went "Hey what if I put patches and shit on it like punks do that seems neat I'm gonna borrow that idea" and then it progressed to me finding a bunch of music I like, most of it new wave (X-Ray Spex my beloved) and as weird as I am!!

So I've since been doing more research on punk culture and the different groups within punk and I feel like I've found something that I can relate to, but then I'll see stuff like "If punk music isn't the majority of what you listen to then you're not punk" which seems sus to me, and I also see things about drugs and mosh pits and LOUD LOUD concerts, which is a problem for me because

1. I don't do drugs (It's fine if you do idgaf just not my thing), and alcohol is off the table for me because of genetics and a medication I'm on 2. I properly read the definition of mosh pit to make sure I didn't have misconceptions about it and the definition is literally a cramped space right next to the stage where everyone dances erratically and is pressed up against each other. I hate touch, so the idea of being in a pit with dozens to hundreds of other people all pressed up against me sounds like hell 3. I can't do loud stuff for long periods, I get overstimulated which leads to anger which leads to not good.

All of these things mean that concerts and bars/clubs are off the table for me unless I can be accommodated, but I doubt that'll happen because usually the reaction to me being upset about loud noise at events is "Deal with it" and then ignoring me. But there aren't really any places other than bars and clubs and concerts that punk groups (And any other group really) meet up at as far as I'm aware, so I'm basically cut off from any real interactions with people.

I explained this to a friend of mine, and he informed me that I'm simply not punk because "punk is about chaos" and "you're all rigid and need your structures" and yeah, I do have a certain way I like things to be done, but that doesn't mean I'm totally unwilling to let go and do whatever sometimes. Also from everything I've read about punk the only group who sees chaos as the biggest qualification are the nazi punks? All the other punk groups I've looked into seem to agree that it's anger at the establishment for not taking care of the people and deciding to form a community that we can be a part of to take care of each other, which I 100% agree with.

At first I listened to my friend and accepted defeat, but I thought of it for a bit longer and realized that my friend, as much as I utterly adore him, as a tendency to act like his opinions on things are objective fact (Talking about music with him can be frustrating because of this), so I'm not inclined to take his advice on this particular issue.

So my question is based on everything I've shared so far, am I actually punk or am I just trying to shove myself into a group that I don't belong to?

(Btw in case anyone's wondering my beliefs are anti-racism, anti-sexism, anti-antisemitism, anti-homophobia, anti-transphobia, anti-ableism, anti-zionism, and anti-every-other-kind-of-bigotry. And so far from what I've read I have mixed feelings about anarchy but I will admit I could do more reading on it)

#punk #queer punks #genderpunk #queer punx #punk rock #punk style #new wave #queer punk #diy punk #yes i did make a blog just to post this ask without people i know seeing it

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androgynousblackbox · 1 year

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You really don't have any respect for Dana. The episode will come out in two weeks and will be available on the owl club net and other pirating websites so why can't you watch there? No one is blaming you for not having the third season available in your country, it's literally not your fault but I don't understand how you got that from my ask. I was blaming you for your sense of morality and how you have none towards the crew who don't like getting their episodes leaked. Watching leaked episodes is in no way supporting the creators. Wait two weeks like everyone else. Oh btw I also don't have any episodes available in my country yet I'm still respectful towards Dana but just by looking at your blog you seem like the type to not respect people.

Oh my god, dude, Dana is not going to come and pat you in the head to tell you "you were the one true fan all along, better fan than everyone else, thank you", tone down with the fucking parasocial bullshit for once. Stop using her name as if she is your friend or you know her, that is giving really creepy vibes.

I already watched the episode and haven't even said anything about what happens on it, the fuck do you care. "In no way supports the creators" so? When I said it does? That wasn't anyone's argument. But it doesn't mortally wound them either like you pretend. Literally it doesn't do jack shit to anyone when I decide to watch or not a fucking episode. You might have zero impulse control to not blabbler about every single thing every time you watch something, don't project that shit onto others.

Again, because you clearly didn't read the first time: take it with Disney+ and the whole company if you are that upset over Dana's behalf, because none of the fans is ever going to show more blatant disrespect and be on a position to actually hurt the show like Disney already did. Get upset at that instead of coming here and piss your pants trying to make it my fault this millionaire company sucks. I didn't leak the episode, they did. Take it with them.

Come here again with this and I am going to drop you only spoilers as an answer. Well tagged and everything for everyone else, but only there to fuck you personally over. Try me, dude.

#toh #the owl house #toh leaks

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taketwoinink · 6 months

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I'm constantly in the process of learning new things about myself and yesterday I finally got the words to describe something I'd been realizing for a while. I thought I would share in case this helps anyone else. and also so I don't forget it... mostly so I don't forget it

and this is just my experience, so it may not be the same for everyone else. and if this doesn't happen to you and this isn't helpful, that's just fine

Recently I've been experiencing that whole "you lay down to go to sleep and immediately your brain starts bringing up every mistake, embarrassing, and questionable thing you've ever done". My brain will do this during any quiet moment when I don't have another thought taking precedence, which is just awful btw

My brain also will dig up moments where I didn't do anything wrong, but I maybe didn't do something as good as I could have. I write fanfiction, so most of this manifests as me stressing over the fact that things I have posted have mistakes or pacing issues or just aren't the best writing they could possible be-

And then it goes to all my fandom friends and people I know who read my fanfictions and my brain insists that they're judging me for this. And all my mistakes and awkward moments- it brings those up too and says everyone else involved is judging me and thinking less of me because of those moments.

Then it hit me. Are they judging me for those moments, or am I judging myself?

And I can apply this to other things in my life. I have this ongoing struggle with guilt over something that happened and for a long time I thought I needed to earn forgiveness from someone else so that I could move past this. I ended up realizing that they weren't upset with me, I'm the one that is upset with me. And I'm still working on forgiving myself

So, maybe if you have a moment where you think everyone hates you, stop and ask: do they hate you? or do you hate yourself?

#and this applies for things other than hate #if you think you're annoying #are you just annoying yourself?#because I definitely do that #I really am my own worst enemy and critic #my own expectations are the ones I can never meet #mental health #introspection #this may not be the case for everyone. it's just something I know I do to myself #signed in ink #(that's my little tag for personal posts like this)#(I've noticed sometimes people reblog it and include it lol)#(so I thought I'd specify here)#this really has been revolutionary for me #rewiring my brain honestly

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kissimirrit · 2 years

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I’m in love with your killudust fanarts but I’m a bit confused on where that ship stands in your ship list. What do you think about it? How long have you liked it?

One time, I think I must’ve seen you claiming that you started liking it more than killugon cuz you hated how twitter was being a major ass when it came to other types of ships that paired up Killua and Gon with other people.

So I’m curious: if you now like killudust more than killugon, are you gonna start making more killudust art? I’m just wondering about that cuz I thought about it so many times. It’s also okay if you’re not going to either. It’s whatever yk?

(hi! rereading my answer i noticed i come across as crass; so sorry if my tone reads as like i'm mad or upset or angry. talking about getting harassed just makes me feel exhausted).

i like killudust because it's funny and random and it makes me laugh.

ultimately when it comes to ships i like, if it can make me laugh, it shoots up into my top 3 favorites. my otps in any fandoms, the majority of the time, are crackships because i found them funny. my first crackship was gaz x GIR from invader zim when i was 8 or 9 (invader zim was also my first online fandom at around this time btw). i have ALWAYS loved crackships. i have ALWAYS loved silly pairings that made me laugh, whether they had canon basing or not (but them having no canon backing and being very random helped the funny-factor for me)

so as for where killudust stands on my ship list, it genuinely is my OTP for HxH (and in my top 3 for overall ships across all fandoms i am in). i used to REALLY love killugon because of all the silly scenarios one could make with them, because these two characters have such funny interactions!! i started being vocal about killua x gold dust girl in early-mid 2020, so that's a little over two years.

(note: i've talked about killudust on other servers i'm no longer in before these screenshots)

so i've considered killudust my #1 hxh ship for a little over two years, actually.

but unfortunately, romantic killugon has gotten pretty soured for me? i still love platonic/queerplatonic killugon don't get me wrong! but the way the fandom on twitter acts about ships that paired gon and killua with other people (and ESPECIALLY killua with female characters). like, being accused of heinous things and getting a bout of harassment SOLELY for being vocal about a crackship i liked and making silly drawings for it just absolutely severed any love i had for killugon in response. being called a homophobic pedophile (she's??? a card game character??? and it appears like she's within his age range if not a little bit older??? and even then i portray her as a fictional character he "waifus" and not an actual character. like???) and being called a proshipper (this word has been divorced of all meaning it literally means nothing anymore if ppl can just fling it at anyone who ships anything against the status-quo) for a non-problematic crackship just really killed any desire i had to make anymore content for killugon.

unfortunately hxh is no longer my hyperfixation, and hyperfixation is usually a big factor in fandom content i create. but sometimes i'll find a drive to create hxh content again (especially if my friends still into hxh manage to wrangle that inspiration and motivation out of me) and USUALLY i've noticed that motivation comes in the form of killudust. so the handful of times i've dipped my toes back into hxh after my hyperfixation ended was for killudust, so most likely if i were to make hxh content in the future again— it would probably be killudust. i'm a spiteful person by nature, so i'm definately not letting anything STOP me from making things i WANT to make. sometimes it even fuels me to make it even more when it's fresher.

but i hope this answers your questions! i appreciate that you've been paying attention to me, sometimes i just think i scream into a void where no one sees ahaha <3

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blueempty · 2 months

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Due to several sleeping errors, I forgor

My day was alright outside of my stomach waking me up after 3 hours of comfy sleep, and then me falling asleep for a little too long on the couch at work, which is why I don't think i'm gonna have a new kanji for today. I'll probably just practice some other vocabulary and keep hammering in the first half of my katakana

Like I'm always saying, I dont want to vent here but like, its part of my day ya know. And I'm not upset as I write this its just thoughts in my brain. Btw did you know that overexplaining yourself is an autistic trait? Anyway, I've been thinking about my brain and its problems because my partner has a new work friend who is also autistic, but her and I followed different paths. She seems to be on the Naruto Uzumaki grind of saying exactly what she means and is thinking at all times. The barrier between her and other people made her more forward and blunt, which is probably good. I however went the conflict avoidance route, where I got tired of trying to be understood so I've just spoken less and less over the years. I used to be very social but lately I'm going whole days saying almost nothing to anyone

Its largely because of the specific people I'm around every day, cuz my mom doesnt care about whatever the fuck I'm doing in Onimusha or Splatoon. I've learned what stuff people outside my fixations would be equipped to find interesting. My mom listens, but I dont want to waste her time or bug her while shes working with stuff that isn't relevant to her. And my brother is the most equipped to have conversations with but he's also on a different autism wavelength that seems to be becoming incompatible with mine. Like earlier today I said I was getting really tired of him and our friend being so fuckin negative about everything all the time and then like 2 minutes later he said I was a bitch for paying attention to what skills I have on in Monster Hunter. Something just ain't lining up in our conversations

BUT, thats all to say, my response to that comment wasnt to push the point further, instead I just stopped talking. Because I've learned that he in particular seems to have lost the ability to argue or discuss in good faith when it comes to specific topics. And because of that I sit there and filter everything I think about saying. I have a thought about something in the Splatoon DLC and before i say something I think "my brother doesnt like Splatoon anymore so at best he'll ignore me and at worst I'll get into an argument about whether or not skills are stupid"

So you the reader at this moment may be thinking "this sounds like a problem with you and the 3 people you talk to every day" and you'd be right. But this learned silence has got my ass unsure how to speak in general, so idk how to make new friends or how to interact with old ones. Its quite the pickle oh yes

Again this is literal hashtag thought posting, I'm not trying to complain but this is just stuff thats been on my mind since like January. And now this new friend that my partner has made me think damn I couldve just pivoted into an assertive style autist but I assumed a defensive posture. The human mind truly is fucked and full of terrors

But all that shit aside Dungeon Meshi is amazing, the whole crew is great. I am concerned that I'm getting incorrect localizations on their names cuz i'm reading it on manga dex. So I've just been calling the hobbit Chalk. I'm on chapter 15 now I think. Kensuke is my MVP right now I love that little guy

And finally the moment youve been waiting for yes its true I only have 4 weapons left to go in Side Order. I was spoiled on the name of Eights pallette weapon and it didnt tell me anything but it made me want to get it as soon as possible to see what the fuck it is

My partner also brought me a big sammich at work and it was good. I lob her

Peace and Long Life

#thoughtposting #ramblings

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