#“I never knew you felt that way” | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

catsandfanart47 · 8 months

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Episode. 35 did absolutely NOTHING to dissuade me from my Beefrose and Emberose headcanons. If anything it encouraged me.

#Montrose putting his hand on Beef's shoulder #“I never knew you felt that way”#it's adorable #Is being sad because you thought your friend died a proclamation of your (romantic) love?#yes #imo #taz steeplechase spoilers #taz steeplechase #montrose pretty #beef punchley #emerich dreadway

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inkskinned · 1 year

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one of the things about having an unstable parent is that it can so easily ruin your future. you want to get out, but getting out takes having agency. it takes the resume and the grades and the stellar community service history.

but you have to choose your battles. you know if you sign up for an after-school activity, it'll be okay for a while, so long as the activity is parent-approved and god-fearing. over time, like all things, it will become an argument (i can't keep carting your ass to these things) or a weapon (talk to me like that again, see if you get to go to practice). sometimes, if you love the thing, it's worth it. but you also know better than to love something: that's how they get you. if you ever actually want something, it will always be the center of their attention. they will never stop threatening you with it. telling you of course i'm a good parent, i came to all of those stupid events.

you learn to balance yourself perfectly. you can either have a social life or you can have hobbies. both of these things will be under constant scrutiny. you spend too much time with her, you should be at home with family is equally paired with you're acting like this because you're addicted to what's on that goddamn screen. you cannot ever actually win, so everything falls within a barter system that you calculate before entering: do you want to learn how to drive? if so, you'll need to give up asking for a new laptop, even though yours died. maybe you can work on a computer at the library. of course, that would mean you'd be allowed to go to the library, which would mean something else has to bleed. nothing ever actually comes free.

and that bitter, horrible irony: you could be literally following their orders and it still isn't pretty. they tell you to get a job; they hate that your job keeps you late and gives you access to actual money. they tell you to do better in school; they say no child of mine needs a tutor. they want you to stop being so morose, don't you know there are people who are really suffering - but they revile the idea you might actually need therapy.

you didn't survive that fall the way other people would. you've seen other people scramble and get their way out, however they could. maybe you were made too-soft: the answer didn't come to you easily. it wasn't quick. it was brutal and nasty. some people even asked you why didn't you just work hard and escape during school? and you felt your head spinning. why didn't you? (they control your financial aid. they control your loan status. they love having that kind of thing). maybe in another life you got diagnosed sooner and got the meds you needed to actually focus and got attention from the right teachers who helped you clear hurdles to get up out of here - but for now? here?

the effort of trying. the effort of not-dying. that kind of effort was absolutely agonizing.

#writeblr #btw i got out #even though i felt this way #i was undiagnosed and was in a particularly fucked up situation #(it's complicated lol)#i had no money and no way out #no car no license . i still had a curfew at 22 years old #and still. i got out.#you can get out too.#i wasn't allowed to literally do anything after school we were pretty much only allowed 1 hobby #and STILL i got out.#it wasn't bc i was particularly smart or capable or clever. it's that 1. i got lucky & 2.#i knew there had to be The Rest of The World #and I wanted to at least VAGUELY get to the Rest of the World before i gave up trying #sometimes it's the spite that gets u thru it. that sense - fuck u #FUCK YOU ACTUALLY.#im gonna make my own life u stupid bitch. since u seem so convinced i could never REALLY do it.#whenever ppl are like <3 just cut out ur parents <3 im like <3 have u never been poor lol <3 #<3 i needed them to sign my loans <3 #<3 bestie not every person who is struggling is going to be able to make the grades and hero status to get a free ride.#and guess what baby!! we still deserve to get out and have a good life.

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layla-carstairs · 2 months

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reading tftsa is always an emotional experience especially when you get the short stories focused around the Blackthorns because the absence of Mark just bleeds out. like when you read about Julian being Helen's suggenes and Simon being the witness to Julian's parabatai ceremony you are just burdened with the knowledge that that's not who they would have picked if the circumstances were different. in a different life it was Mark.

#I think about this all the time & it just makes so sad #like Julian picking Simon of all people because he didn't know who else to ask :(#because everyone he would have asked is dead or taken away from him #also as much as Helen loves Julian there's no way he was her number one choice #like. it was Mark it would always be Mark the brother who she knew before she was even Helen Blackthorn #I wonder if Julian understood that obviously Helen would never say that but Julian's clever #probably did not help with his insecurities surrounding Mark 😬#on the other hand. imagine how Helen felt #in another life he's your suggenes in this life he's not there at all #and he's never meet (?) the love of your life and you can't even mourn him because he's not dead. he's just not there.#ignore the spelling errors I'm not editing any of this #bella talks #tsc #the shadowhunter chronicles #helen blackthorn #mark blackthorn #julian blackthorn #simon lewis #tales from the shadowhunter academy #tftsa

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justcallme-ange · 2 years

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Catch me crying in the club, @lookinghalfacorpse’s “Doomsday trio ages” just hit me straight in the feels. Imagine the prison break went differently, Techno and Phil get Dream out and back to the tundra to take care of him. And oh boy - it’s only after; the blood, the tears, and the screaming, when Dream finally settles down does Techno understand, in the most heartbreaking way that yeah - “He’s a child.”

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flymmsy · 3 months

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snowflake-sage · 7 months

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Had to get this off my chest

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ef-1 · 3 months

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girlhood

#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day #like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again #and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)#like everything i do is informed by her #I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her #and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again #“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her #growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain #and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when #people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it #but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-#when people mention it 😍#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one #and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her #lol!!!!!!!!!

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a-s-levynn · 3 months

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So i had a dream last night which wasn't a nightmare and i even remember most of it! which is super exciting. I barely ever remember dreams that are just simply that so this is a fairly rare occasion for me.

It was weird tho

But it was.. i don't even know what it was so let me ramble about it in the tags a bit

#there was this bioluminescent and also biotoxic creature in a city at night #it was bipedal sort of humanoid shaped but with definitive deep sea features #it had that transparent skin and flesh and body with bioluminescing highlights #which i have no idea how it worked because the entire dream took place in a city enviroment on very much dry land but it's a dream innit #the face was definitely not human more a jumble of fishy features #it was gorgeous btw in a humanoid monster sort of fascinating way #it had this weird feel to it that it's something very old that should not be here now.. some sort of reminiscence of a bygone era #i might try to draw it but i don't know how successful i'd be to be honest #anyway so i was part of a group (don't know what kind exactly) and i never seen any of them i just knew they existed #and there was this innate knowledge that the creature was kind of hunting or more like luring us but we also were hunting it #i don't know if it did something to us before or we just had this unexplainable pull towards it but we definitely were fixated on it #and it was supposed to be a big threat even just by existing and walking around but also would have been bad if it was dead #but i don't know why was it so bad because the “toxicity” of the creature wasn't lethal it just made you stuck in a blissful delirious stat #just by being too close to it and which in most cases would fade when it moved away so the other alternative felt way worse #cuz if it would die something else would have gotten loose which would have been worse than the delirium #it was some sort of unstoppable deadly madness i think.. at least that was what i felt the dream eluded to #and i think we wanted to neutralize it somehow but we had no idea how to avoid disaster that surely would come if it dies #but it would have also revitalize nature on a basically divine scale by giving it's body back to it so there was this dilemma the whole tim #but none of us would have any answers so we just followed this inner draw regardless of the uncertainty #and the entire dream was basically us lureing the creature somewhere but simultaniously it was somehow luring us in as wel #to the same spot #it was a vast moonlit fieald outside of city bounds surrounded with tall dark trees and the sky was littered with stars #and a sharp cliff to one side #so we arrived there and we were standing on opposite sides and look towards each other #but looking into the creatures eyes literally woke me up #there was a noise it made and i know i understood it as words inside the dream but i can't remember what it was after waking just the noise #and that was it #it wasn't long i think tho it felt that way

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schmweed · 10 months

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Succession | S02E02

#Gerri Kellman #Roman Ray #Can you just come over? I... I want you in the room.#The entitled-yet-timid-yet-hopeful way he asks!#I think he had zero idea how he felt about Gerri. The attraction he knew. The show showed us that with Gerri's very first appearance in 102 #But I don't think he knew how deeply this thing ran and that it wasn't just about attraction. I don't think he knew he was in love #I love that the amazing Jesse Armstrong wrote “thrown” under Gerri's name after Roman asks her this #Also Roman would never be that vulnerable with anyone else. Ever.#only her. These two. My heart! They WILL get their happy ending.#Succession #my gifs #I love how Gerri has ZERO idea what's happening. She's offended that he swore and hung up #She has no idea Roman let himself be so vulnerable his only resort now -- the only tool he knows -- is swearing and feigned nonchalance.#Also also! How much he needs her presence. I love how Jesse Armstrong wrote it.#The absolute simple heart-wrenching honesty of “I want you in the room”#and he didn't even know. He didn't even KNOW back then that he's in love with her.

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hadesoftheladies · 15 days

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hate going for christian weddings sometimes because i always see the prettiest women with the ugliest men, the sermon is always some shit about wives being slaves (but not like bad slavery, mutual slavery except the husband is a benevolent master which makes it okay) and making babies for their husband, the music is always lame, the mc is always weird and obnoxious, and older women keep fucking asking me when it's gonna be my turn and never take no for an answer.

#mine #personal #brief storytime in the tags #one of my family friends got married and i was happy she was happy #her parents are like an aunt and uncle to me #i was happy to share that moment with them #we cried and laughed together #and my friends #their other daughters were on the line and looked gorgeous #it was just beautiful watching us all grow up in a way and move on to “the next” together #BUT #im a pastor's kid #and my dad loves weddings #he drinks them in whenever he can now especially because they make him happy and he's had to attend a lot more funerals this year #he's been burdened a lot by how many people he's had to bury and how many hospital visits he's had to do #so i was happy to see him happy too #it just all felt so bittersweet to me #because i know how badly my parents want this for me and for themselves #there was a daddy-daughters dance at some point and i could feel my dad beaming beside me watching that #and i was a little sad about it because i was like im never gonna give you that #this could be the best thing i could ever give you and i will never give you this #i can never kneel at an altar in front of a pastor and swallow that sermon #i would never marry a man in my generation #if i married a woman you and almost the entire tent filled with people that watched me grow up would not attend #my happiest day would be another funeral for you #it was worse because im kind of a small celebrity in this community because of my parents and their siblings who are politicians #so people i barely knew kept coming up and asking me when it would be my turn and how they so looked forward to the day #and i was like i love that we're a community here and i missed the pestering of aunts since i left church #but at the same time i was glad to remember why i left #there is no freedom to be myself at all with them because all they do is project their beliefs and ideas on me because that's what children

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archerofunspeakablelove · 3 months

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Russian Roulette update: Yassen's conversation with John towards the end of Командир (The Commander) genuinely made me tear up a bit. Y'all if I hadn't started shipping them at the start of Eagle Strike the first time I saw them interact this scene would've 100% convinced me because the way Yassen was so hesitant about working for Scopia at the start and had considered his other options, but now that John is tutoring him he desperately wants to prove his loyalty and competency. In the jungle John tells him he could leave if he wanted to, Scorpia had taught him enough about disguise - all this he had considered before himself, yet when John brings it up Yassen immediately shoots it down, becomes agitated. Why? Because he feels like John is questioning his competency. Remember what he said? "I can do this." John wants Yassen to not have to walk down the same path that he did, but ironically he is the reason Yassen even cares so much about succeeding in Scorpia in the first place. His cover worked a bit too well and now Yassen has a very fixed idea of who John is, and he will do anything to prove himself to his version of John.

You get it, right? The way they want completely different things out for each other, completely incompatible things, because they do not understand each other. These types of dynamics really just eat me up from the inside

#chaotic ramblings #alex rider #russian roulette #yassen gregorovich #john rider #man they really need a ship name i need SOMETHING to tag these posts with #the fact that yassen's relationship with john is very much personal to him even though he would never admit it #and it just so happens that to him john is basically an embodiment of scorpia #and he wants to impress john so by proxy he decides the best way to do that is to prove himself to scorpia #do you get it. do you get the dynamic #the tension in that scene was phenomenal i felt like i was reading fanfiction #which i suppose means that every fic author in this fandom does a wonderful job of capturing their relationship #just. the way yassen is so on edge whenever john says something about how he could still leave if he wanted to. before it's too late #the way he is so confused as to why john would bring this up because it doesnt fit with the very fixed idea he has in his mind about #who john is. the way he says “i killed some of them” as if to say see? i am like you. i can be like you. please give me a chance #his admiration for and attachment to john is so incredibly unhealthy which is unsurprising given that he has not had a normal #relationship of any sort since he was 14 and everyone he knew died #he wants so badly to be who he thinks john wants him to be. and that means that he will never be who he wants to be or who john wants him t #be or who he thinks john wants him to be. he is pursuing something that just doesn't exist #god i am so normal about these two

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mrsdulac · 2 months

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Finished Forspoken’s story last night and I still can’t believe I was betrayed by a fucking bracelet…

#CUFF YOU BASTARD 😭#very interesting how everyone looked at frey and immediately called her a demon but they weren’t actually talking about her #then he gets put back on me and I’m supposed to just be cool?!?!#he’s seared into frey’s skin now so there’s no getting rid of him #tragic for her #i hope she drives him crazy rather than the reverse #never trust anything with a British accent #i knew it and i did it anyway #however…i do find it sweet that frey didn’t want to kill him #in a weird way there’s some respect and love in there. whether or not it’s mutual will remain to be seen #i am grateful to have the banter back tho bc it felt so incomplete without it #the game felt so lonely tbh #damn these two for being so cute 😭🩵#forspoken #frey holland #cuff forspoken

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the-lark-ascending69 · 9 days

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> be a robin buckley fan

> be lesbian

> project on robin

> look up "internalized homophobia robin buckley" on tumblr because it's cathartic

> 3/4 of the posts are about st3ddie or just about steve

#saw one in which steve was like ''no robin you don't understand! i have never been loved! i don't know how that feels like!''#i have several grips about that interpretation #going from the fact that's not true (dustin is clearly a big steve fan + robin herself cares about him deeply)#to the fact he probably wouldn't be introspective enough to voice his emotions this concisely not to mention he'd probably wouldn't take #a moment to realize he's never felt loved if that were the case. i mean. he could think that. when he's like 35 and more in touch with his #inner world. 19yo steve can't even get the hint that hitting on a girl who's already clearly taken (nancy) is wrong so like i don't expect #him to be that smart #but i can live with people having takes i don't agree with. my opinion doesn't have to be everyone else's opinion if you see steve that way #it fine #what bothered me was the fact he was saying this to a lesbian living in the 80s lmao #who tells him that 1) her whole life has been an error 2) she doesn't think he'd want to be close to her if he truly knew her and 3)#3) is paralyzed by fear of social suicide if she dares believe for even a second that the girl she likes may like her too #like i dont need people to do deep dives into robin lore and quote from memory lines from Surviving Hawkins abt robin feeling like she's #rotten inside. not supposed to have friends. feeling like something is wrong with her and that pushes people away etc etc #the fact that she's a lesbian should tell you enough abt who has the biggest chances of being loved 😭#also bothered me that it showed up when looking up posts abt internalized homophobia because?? where's the internalized homophobia therw #unless it's gay steve feeling bad abt it in an AU (as if canon robin didn't go through it)#like look im not bothered to find steve-centric content in the robin tag cos people are gonna tag her in posts mentioning her.#she's his friend.#but there are barely any posts at all about robin's internalized homophobia. like i saw 2 or 3. compared to all the steve or steddie ones #where's the love for my babygirl 😭😭#anti steddie #not really but y'know i don't wanna bother anyone #edit: the bit about there being like 3 posts on robin w internalized homophobia isn't exactly true. there are a few. but they still feel #drowned in st3ddie posts #like something isn't right here

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camelspit · 1 year

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alright I know I talk shit about stellarlune quite a bit, but one thing I unironically liked was the ending bit with the dagger. not only did keefe try to stab his mom with it, but fitz trusted keefe's plan enough to steal it from sophie and give it to him. fitz checked on keefe telepathically first, before anyone else. he was the one who payed attention and offered him help, instead of acting like it was a shitty plan. something something he understands keefes urge to try to end it. he knows what it feels like. he watched alvar (almost) drown in that tank and did nothing. he put aside all their recent drama with sophie to help his friend with something only he can truly understand. this is like. the first time in a while that they've acted like actual best friends. agh.

#in fairness #shannon never confirmed fitz was the one who took it #but its the only way I can see keefe conceivably getting it #seeing as fitz knew his plan and was willing to help #and was the only one close enough to sophie to get from her #keefitz is soo important to me romantically or platonically #i think the only time the characterization felt whole and natural in this book was the ending bit #shannon ill give you a point for this one.#kotlc #stellarlune spoilers #Keefe sencen #Fitz vacker #keefitz

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sciderman · 6 months

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i relate to peter parker because i’ve had six crushes this year alone

damn son save some for the rest of us!!

#sci speaks #i think i've only ever had one crush in my life. wilding. i wish i fell in love easier. it feels wonderful.#oh the people with hyperactive hearts...#i wish i had felt this way at some point when i was younger. it kind of felt like my heart wasn't fully developed yet.#holds my heart in my hands. why were you such a late bloomer. why didn't you feel more things earlier on.#i'm kind of sad that i didn't have teenage crushes or anything. i feel like i missed out.#is it because nobody around me was appealing. or is it because i was too busy on my own planet.#i think i wasn't really close with a lot of people when i was younger. i kind of never came out of my shell.#so nobody got close enough to me for me to like them.#not that it's necessarily how it works. but it takes a lot for me to get there with somebody i think.#i think a lot of the relationships i've been in i'm still To This Day not even sure if i actually liked them back in that way.#squeezes my heart in my hand. why are you so fussy.#i wish i had more experiences under my belt. i really do. but also i don't want to be in situations that are uncomfortable either.#and i don't want to just be there for the sake of it.#lies on the floor and stares at the ceiling. i don't know what i want.#is love the answer?#i don't know. sometimes i want it more than anything. but it's such a ball-ache to get. sometimes you think you're better off without it.#i wish i knew what i wanted. i think i just want to be brave enough to find out.#why do i ramble so much in my tags. it's like tumblr is my therapist or something.#i'm feeling weird about myself lately. just kind of a little tired. i don't feel bad. but kind of perpetually low-energy.#like i never have the time to do things that make me happy. and when i do get the time i don't have the energy.#is this what it's like to live in this world. i need like. a year's break from work. i think.#i need like a year-long vacation. i need a gap year. i need a year to live life.#i wonder if it's financially viable. i think i'd eat through everything i have if i did that. but.#you can get money back. you can't get your time back.

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royalarchivist · 1 year

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Phil: I always love hearing about like, different stories -- especially from the teachers in the chat -- where like, a student or like just a member of the school has some form of like, Techno merch or like, does something that is clearly a Techno reference. I just love that. It’s ‘cuz like -- exactly what I was hoping to happen is happening, where people are just keeping his memory alive. Whether it’s through wearing, you know, his merch and stuff, or still supporting him through doing like, you know, just talking about him or making like their art piece about him, stuff like that. It’s very cool. Technoblade truly never dies, if everyone just keeps f**king talking about him. [Laughs] If everyone just keeps referencing him, which is very easy to do because he was incredibly funny. He has a lot of referenceable quotes and sayings.

#Technoblade #Philza #Emerald Duo #Phil plays Hardcore #Phil #In my culture (or at least; the way I was taught) grief is navigated through storytelling #you keep a person's memory alive by sharing their stories #American culture -- at least the part where I've lived -- seems to try and enforce the idea that grief is silent #that it's meant to be quiet and dealt with privately #which is. a very unhealthy thing #That being said; in the past I've hesitated sharing clips about Phil talking about this stuff #because grief IS personal and it felt inappropriate to share #even if hearing him talk about it made me feel better #but Phil's right. it's part of the storytelling. it's part of the legacy #I remember a few weeks ago one of my little cousins was talking about Youtube videos he's been watching #and he mentioned Technoblade and I froze up #because it caught me so off-guard. and he's obviously way too young to know what happened #But I sat down and I talked with him about Techno and told him stories I knew #And I told him about the whole ''Blood for the Blood God'' thing and ''Technoblade Never Dies''#And it was really nice #It was nice to see a new generation discovering him and his stuff.#Sometimes stories are all we have #But Techno's legacy is cemented in our minds and it's available for almost anyone to stumble upon it #I've cried so much for Techno and I know that grief will never go away #but grief is a form of love too

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