#Anyway once I finish it and my brain stops hyperfixating SO hard

[frecklystars]

im gonna start making doodles trying to reclaim my TF F/Os that i've lost, maybe once a week or once every two weeks... or once a month?? i dont know, i will try to keep some consistency but i really need to start slow on this. here's to hoping that drawing them every once in a while will make even just the smallest difference.

im so sick of associating these characters with my abuser and i'm so sick of the immediate fight or flight response that i get when just looking at pictures of TF characters or even the voice actors. i have tried just about everything... therapy, medication, exercise, watching a few clips from the shows, buying cameos, commissioning art/fics, talking to voice actors in person at conventions... nothing has helped me get better at all. i tried giving up on TF entirely, throwing out/giving away all of my TF merch, refusing to touch the franchise, but that has only made me more and more miserable as time has passed. it has been over a year since [insert the most horrific experiences ever here] happened to me and since i associated that with a long list of things, TF included. and im! sick! of feeling bad! so! if im gonna be miserable no matter what, then i might as well try to get better, right?? drawing my F/Os loving me has never failed me before, so here's to hoping it isn't gonna fail me now. i am quite the stubborn bitch and i refuse to allow my main coping mechanism i've used for 2 decades to remain tainted forever and ever 😤😤

these will be the shakiest, shittiest doodles imaginable, but i think drawing the robots i miss so much at least once a month can help me rewire my brain into believing they're safe again and they love me and i'm not in danger. i think the best thing that will help me is drawing my Ryan F/Os interacting with them as "proof" that they're safe to be around, that they've "approved of" them, will help me slowly reclaim them. fake it til you make it as they say. let's try this for maybe just a couple of months as a slow start and see how it goes :/

any TF doodles will be tagged as "reclaiming robots tag" and nothing else - free to blacklist it if you dont wanna see. i'll most likely be rarely posting these but jic //shrug

anyway. yay. attempts number one and two. i like to think barbie and ken stop by the starflower meadow every now and then because stsc summons them across the multiverse, asking them how i'm doing, if i'm safe, if i miss him at all. wow i am shaking so bad. ha ha haaa. these took about ten?? minutes?? so woohoo to ten minutes of drawing TF. im proud of myself for trying. even if i dont go through with this and end up not being able to draw TF ever again, at least i managed this one single post. if i keep this up, maybe a year from now, or two years or five years or whatever, i'll be able to handle it. i don't even expect to hyperfixate on TF ever again because my self shipping will never ever be the same w/ them -- i'll never interact with the fandom again, i'll never reblog fanart or gifsets or anything like that ever again, if i even somehow managed to feel good enough to actually throw myself back into the shows -- but i want to think i'll feel indifferent to it one day. to not have that fight or flight response. that is my goal. literally the bare fucking minimum <3

anyway. i'm super nauseous. this is so incredibly hard! holy shit!!! but that's why i have to do this. to quote pedro pascal, i am going to have a panic attack and i am going to leave 👍✨

(BTW I am still gonna stay offline for a few more days. I am back from vacation but I am SO burnt out I don't want to interact with dms/my inbox yet. I just wanted to post this just to get it out of my system and let it disappear into the void. But I will be back later this week bc I still have some commissions to finish and I wanna gush about my very exciting time meeting steve/tom/the brba cast. anyway... goodnight. i love you. smooch)

#reclaiming robots tag

[verdantglow]

that makes so much sense actually. i also am making some aus (unrelated) and am wanting to seperate them into little ficlets/art pieces/comics of the pieces that motivate me before even touching on an overarching story but also god is it difficult for me. if thats what works for you as well id definitely say treat it like that (also i would LOVE to see any animatics you do for this)

i personally am mostly watching the hermits doing their hermit crafting (currently watching 18 hermits simultaneously the hyperfixation is b a d) and a couple SOS members, though i plan to watch more of the creators. I've really only seen up to double life (all through grians pov), and i havent even finished that. in my defence, the "its for your secret soulmate" line utterly and completely destroyed me and i have NOT recovered since (i stopped watching his hermitcraft videos after that too until the start of s10).

i have made the resolution to go watch other povs but i need to finish his first rip.

ANYWAY BACK TO THE AU

How often do you think the vflarp games effect their out of game relationships? like obviously it led to them becoming friends and desert duo becoming "moirails" but like. Did double life cause a rift between grian and scar? has rendog being absent from the games had any significance on anything? (i havent watched further so i cant really give too many other examples). Do the winners get anything other than the satisfaction that they alone won?

absolute behemoth of an ask my bad

Yeah! There’s just something so appealing about being able to just jump around & do mini projects that go together rather than one huge one. I’m hoping it’ll hold off the burn out I inevitably get for my AUs. **stares off into the distance thinking about all my mega fics that only ever got three chapters** I get it being hard to break it down though! I hope you’re able to land at a place where you can create as easily & painlessly as possible. ^^

I feel you on the hyperfixation lol. I was doing that hermitblr survey that’s going around & realized that I watch every episode of a third of the server, & some to most episodes of another third. & there’s a handful in the final third that I’ve been meaning to watch, but haven’t gotten to because I’m so busy watching everyone else & thinking about fanworks. This season is just slamming all the good brain chemical buttons!

Tbf, “it’s for your secret soulmate” hit so fucking hard, I do not blame you an ounce for wanting to take a break after that! When you’re ready, I highly recommend Martyn’s 3rd life, it’s so good! I never quite got the Renchanting/Treebark hubbub as someone who’d only seen Grian’s perspective of that season, but after watching Martyn’s… The drama is just. So. Good. Martyn + Ren is just a combo of theatre kid lore nerds & it honestly slaps. Gem’s Secret Life is damn good as well, just ‘cause she got to be a chaos gremlin & we love to see it.

Oh yes, their VLARPing affects IRL relationships all the time! A lot of early relationships developed due to playing 3rd Life & those relationships continued on to influence who went on which ship once they reached adulthood! Obviously, we’ve got Scar & Griann, but also there’s Scohtt & Jimmie who became auspitices, & Wrehnn & Martyn who stick together & eventually become matesprits. Jimmie & Tangoh hit it off after playing Double Life as soulmates & eventually enter a [matespritship? Moiraillegance? Haven’t decided] as well. & of course, my beloved Boat Boys developed their weird whatevership around the same time. (Joel swears they’re pitch. Eethos never comments on it. The truth is somewhere around them being hate friends who are flushed for each other??? But fuck if you’ll ever get either of them to admit it.)

Things were pretty rocky for Scar & Griann after DL; the whole secret soulmate thing was a case of Griann being mildly annoyed with Scar & thinking he could get back at Scar/make Scar jealous. This blew up in his face ~*~spectacularly~*~ & it took quite a bit for things to heal between them. (Mummbo spent a lot of that time being very confused why the vibes on Scar’s ship were so fucking rancid until he managed to get Griann to fess up.)

There definitely is a plot related reason Wrehnn hasn’t been playing, but I’m holding back on finalizing anything until I get more of the out of game plot mapped out. But yes, that definitely affects/is an effect of things in game!

I think, much like in real life, winning is just for the prestige of it. Like, in this AU, the Life series is just a bunch of games they’re playing for the heck of it. Though this does make me think that I need to decide where these games come from, whether it’s a mass market thing or something Griann threw together or if maybe it came from some other outside influence. Hm…

#trafficstuck #verdant answers #verdant rambles #trafficblr #also I have to say your asks as absolutely delightful & I always look forward to them! #like seriously. bright points of my days. #thank you for sending them! #^^

[enigmatic-mystery-777]

20 questions for writers!

Thanks @ellie--eille

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

thirty four (34)

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

Wh...like...all of the word counts of my THIRTY FOUR works combined?? You want me to do MATH??? *sighs* okay hold on

260,727

I'm gonna be so upset if I misunderstood what this was asking for lmao

Edit: Ellie showed me the easy way of finding the total word count and, like, nobody fudgin told me before that Ao3 has a statistics section! Y'all. 🙄

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Right now soley SG1. I dabbled once in SPN

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

*All of these are from my Supernatural fandom days and no, I don't remember what any of these were about lmao I don't even remember writing them

In first place, at 128 kudos (wtf): The Second Chance

Second at 114 kudos: When Fate Strikes

Third, 63 kudos: That one Leap Of Faith

Fourth, 55 kudos: I Only Ever Wanted You

And lastly, 53 kudos: The Beauty Of Snow Globes

5. Do you respond to comments?

A l w a y s; though I don't always know what to say

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

All of my fics have happy endings. Sorry, I'm a fluff person, I hate angsty endings with a passion lmao That's not to judge those who do like those types of stories by the way, OR those that write them! I just have a hard enough time with my depression as is, I need happy content to balance it out

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

...all of them? Lmao The problem here is I really don't remember, like, any of them, even the ones I've recently written so... heh. Sorry.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I haven't so far. That I recall, anyway.

9. Do you write smut?

*Giggles and clears throat* well, see, I didn't before but something's changed because of Daniel, he's an entirely new experience for me in my history of hyperfixations, and now I can't seem to stop writing smut. I don't know why he's different, but he is. I hate that it's really fun lol

10. Do you wrote crossovers? What's the craziest one you've ever written?

My brain has a hard enough time handling one universe at a time, I think I'd just get confused trying to cross any over, but I do appreciate and respect all those that do write crossovers; y'all are incredible.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Given how AO3, unlike Inkitt, does not protect against the copy/paste option, I'm sure someone somewhere stole something of mine. I'm not too upset about it, everything on AO3 is just for fun anyway. All my serious stuff is locked down proper.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I think I have one time, by someone who wanted it available in their language. I forget which fic it was, though I do know it was back in my SPN days.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

I have not, but I have leaned upon @ellie--eille for the first smut piece I ever wrote for SG1, which was a big step for me and I'm so grateful that it turned out so incredible. I still appreciate her help so much <3

14. What's your all time favourite ship?

Daniel Jackson x reader, ngl; I'm having SO much fun with it

but also Daniel Jackson x Cam (I don't know why, though, cos we don't get as much content with them as we did with Daniel Jackson x Jack O'Neill; guess the heart wants what it wants)

Look, I can't pick just ONE, okay?? Lmao

15. What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

My original novel "Out Of Time". Book one is complete and I'm very slowly editing it, but book two is stuck on their honeymoon and I cant, for the life of me, seem to get past it :(

16. What are your writing strengths?

Fluff, 100%. Anything cutesy and emotional and happy and sweet. Stuff that makes someone swoon and feel like they're melting, stuff that makes them smile and hopefully giggle.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Literally everything else lmao That, and, I never studied grammar, cos honestly it's the most confusing shit in the world for me, so my grammar is likely atrocious. But, like, if you can read it, and you can understand it, and you can enjoy it, does it really matter??

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

That is extremely tricky and I usually avoid it. Because unless you know all the slang and grammar rules and stuff, you might accidentally be saying something you never meant to say and/or you might insult someone who's native to that language :/

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Supernatural

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Ooh. Uhm. Honestly, it's a tie now between When Fate Strikes (SPN; I remember that being a big deal when I was writing it) and The Things We Don't Know (Stargate SG1) that I'm working on now.

This was a lot of fun!! I don't really remember who's a writer on here and who's not so if you see this and you write, please partake! Questions to copy are below the cut:

20 questions for writers!

Thanks @

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

3. What fandoms do you write for?

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

5. Do you respond to comments?

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

9. Do you write smut?

10. Do you wrote crossovers? What's the craziest one you've ever written?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

14. What's your all time favourite ship?

15. What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

16. What are your writing strengths?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

19. First fandom you wrote for?

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

#ask games!!! #writing ask games! #I'm so excited! #I never get ones about my writing or fandoms!!! EIK! #I love all ask games though <3 #^_^

[shima-draws]

I WILL draw tonight I say as I sit on the couch wrapped up in a blanket ready to dedicate 6 more hours of my life to playing Origami King

#I forgot how ADDICTIVE of a game it is #It’s SO much fun. Definitely the most fun Paper Mario title to date #Shima speaks #Deadass when I played it the first time I spent every waking hour I had playing all 30+ hours of it #Including my lunch breaks at work fjsndbdn #It’s happening again 😌 It’s just such a blast #Fave fave fave. Always #Anyway once I finish it and my brain stops hyperfixating SO hard #I will be back to doing art regularly again lol #Just needed a break to play video games you know?? #And Paper Mario is always fun #God Origami King is so good!! I’ve said it a million times and I’ll say it even more #PMOK #Paper Mario Origami King

[msfcatlover]

Me: *rereads my old Portal fics*

Me: “Y’know, some of these are still pretty good! Maybe I should replay the games, and give writing these another shot...”

My brain, always ready with AUs and my latest hyperfixation: TMA crossover with Jon as Caroline, but he doesn’t lose himself in the upload process.

Me: “I... I don’t know if that would work...”

My brain, refusing to be derailed: His robot name could be “Self-aware Intelligent Machine Simulation.” SIMS for short.

Me: “That’s not a great robot name.”

My brain: No worse than “Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System.”

Me: “.......Fair.”

My brain: Testing is like statements; he doesn’t want to like it, but it’s addictive and eventually he kinda needs it to stay sane. He regularly gets in trouble for trying to make the tests less dangerous for the test subjects, because like... draining the acid out of the acid pit ruins the integrity or something.

My brain: It actually makes no difference, but obviously Jonah is Cave in this crossover. He’s researching immortality, and this is just one of the ways he keeps Jon under control.

Me: “Elias was his first attempt?”

My brain: Yeah, but it was just a brain transplant. Now he’s worried about the integrity of his brain itself, I mean, physically it’s getting pretty old. And it’s not like aging is fun anyway.

Me: “So, I assume Martin’s Chell then.”

My brain: Obviously.

Me: “Obviously. Where does everyone else fit?”

My brain: Daisy and Basira are trying to get the whole company shut down for horrible human rights violations, but are struggling to find evidence. They go undercover as test subjects, only to realize they’re in too deep and have to fight for survival.

My brain: Melanie’s a reporter, supposedly doing a profile on Jonah, but secretly investigating all the disappearances that keep happening amongst the staff. Georgie brought her in on the case when Jon stopped answering all calls.

Me: “Tim and Sasha?”

My brain: Scientists, were on the same team as Jon. Might get kicked down to test subjects for asking too many questions about his “transfer to the AI department.”

Me: “Wait. All of this is pre-fall-of-Aperture. Doesn’t that take a lot of the punch out of making Jon our GLaDOS equivalent?”

My brain: ..............................

My brain: Mid-fall-of-Aperture. Terribly understaffed, running out of money, the “AI department” is literally just Jon on the paperwork, Jonah’s desperately pushing the testing/experiments to figure out the limits of brain-uploading before he loses access to the equipment.

Me: “I don’t think that scans.”

My brain: Sure it does! What’s the testing in the games even for anyways? It’s all cognitive, the portal gun itself only gets used in a handful of different ways.

My brain: Now the testing is specifically there to stress Jon out and test the stability of his personality matrix; no point in uploading yourself if the first major issue you run into corrupts your code or causes a major error. It puts Jon through the wringer, even zapping him with viruses and stuff, to ensure the process works, because Jonah doesn’t have the time or supplies for more than one test subject.

Me: “......huh.”

My brain, getting more excited: Merge the Eye-pocalypse and Prentiss attacks! Some sort of biological agent gets loose in the facility, and Jon hacks the security system to try and stop it. Any hermetically sealed area of the facility gets locked down, and he gasses the rest of the facility to keep the contaminants from spreading.

My brain: But they’re underground and the ventilation system isn’t the best maintained, so he can’t risk letting anyone out for fear they’ll get poisoned too. Just has to wait for the gas to rise up out of the facility on its own.

Me: “OH! So from the perspective of everyone in the testing tracks, this AI has just gone completely rogue and taken over the facility, killing a whole bunch of people and trapping them inside!”

Me: “I bet Jonah’s office is basically a fortress, and he still has security access to cameras and intercom, so he just eggs them on. Because this is an insurance nightmare, he wants to upload himself ASAP, so Jonah tells them there’s a manual override procedure for SIMS, but he can’t do it alone. They need to get through the testing, reach the central control chamber, and help him deactivate SIMS before they’ll be able to leave the facility. But actually, he’s planning to delete Jon entirely and replace him in the mainframe!”

My brain: Like the bastard he is.

Me: “So now, everyone’s in this weird limbo of trying to figure out what to do and who to trust. I mean, obviously in the AI apocalypse you want to trust your fellow humans, and SIMS did just gas the whole facility and trapped them in the testing tracks, but on the other hand ‘Elias’ is a shady bastard and SIMS isn’t always that bad?”

Me: “Like, sure, it can be pushy about testing and you can’t expect a robot to be good at emotions, but sometimes it’ll do something like ask for a verbal check-in because they’ve been down there a while and that can be psychologically hard on most humans? Someone complains about food, and SIMS sounds almost genuine when apologizing for not having anything else that can be safely transported to the testing tracks at this time. Once, Martin found a corner away from the cameras to take a nap in, and he’d swear SIMS was actually panicking over not being able to find Martin when he woke up.”

My brain: Tim and Sasha make snide, tired jokes about Jon giving the damn thing all his social awkwardness, as well as his name and voice (for some god-awful, unknowable reason.) They don’t want to let SIMS endear itself to them, knowing it probably killed Jon.

Me: “No, no, knowing that it killed Jon. They absolutely ask at some point if Jon’s okay and are told that amongst the however-many living staff members that are left, Jonathan Sims is not amongst them. What else are they to assume, other than that Jon’s been gassed by his own creation?”

My brain: Oooh...

Me: “Martin’s the only one who actually feels endeared to SIMS by the time they meet up, partially because he’s the only one who was trapped alone. Tim and Sasha were together, and already have reason to hold a grudge. Daisy, Basira, and Melanie met up early and spend a lot of free time fantasizing about smashing the damn computer when they find it.”

Me: “Martin was alone and he hates it, so he tries talking to SIMS, and is a little surprised when SIMS talks back. They’re not always pleasant conversations, SIMS can be curt and doesn’t have much personal info to share (being a computer and all,) but Martin does start to get a grasp on the situation as it must have at least appeared to SIMS when he pulled the lockdown-tigger. And for a supposedly evil computer, SIMS can be surprisingly helpful and seems almost as upset by the situation as the humans are.”

My brain: And there was that odd moment after Martin convinced SIMS to stop calling him “Mr. Blackwood,” and SIMS seemed almost flustered before very softly responding, “...Martin, then.”

Me: “Awww... please tell me Jon’s not actually dead, I need them to take him with them at the end...”

My brain: Suspended animation. The brain is still a vital part of the machine, but it never ages or degrades thanks to whatever combo of chemicals and cryosleep Jonah used to preserve him. Part of Jonah’s “manual override” involves adding a high-powered hard drive or four to replace the need for an organic brain, making full digitization possible.

Me: “But where’s he stored? He can’t just be strung up in the middle of the machine, that’d be unsustainable and Jonah would never let anyone within a hundred yards of it lest they realize the truth! A cryotank in a fake computer bank? A stasis tube hidden amongst the wiring, which they could discover while clambering about installing the hard drives?”

My brain: A cold room disguised as a locked closet or something, with the upload chair still inside of it? Only Jonah has the passcode, technically, and he was planning to go in while everyone else had their own tasks to do, just shove Jon’s body out and plug himself in, leaving Jon to finally die on the floor just a short distance from his friends while Jonah replaced him in the machine, removed the safeties, and escaped into the internet?

Me: “Oh, and Jon gave them a universal override or something to get them out of a dangerous situation towards the end! It actually leaves half the group feeling pretty low, having the thing they’re trying to destroy just hand them the key to its destruction out of pure, innocent trust.”

Me: “Then while Jonah’s distracted giving out instructions, Martin (useless with computers,) wanders over and opens the door, letting out a gust of cold air with a hiss. Martin coughs on the escaping gasses, and Jonah rushes to say that the cold room is very delicate, and ought not to be tampered with by people who don’t know what they’re doing—“

My brain: —but Martin blinks back the stinging, shock-induced tears, eyes adjusting to the dark of the closet and gasps.

Me: “And Martin’s only ever seen Jon in passing, really, they never properly worked together. But he was a little sweet on him even back then, and he’s heard the stories from Tim and Sasha, and he’s spent the last several weeks getting to know SIMS...”

My brain: ...He quickly calls Tim and Sasha over to confirm, just in case he’s got it wrong somehow. They’re just as shocked that Jon’s in there, with all his notes tucked away behind him revealing what really happened. Jonah tries to talk his way out of it, but is quickly arrested by Basira and Daisy.

Me: “Sasha finishes the notes first and makes her way back out. She’s shaking, overwhelmed with rage and grief and horror, and punches ‘Elias’ so hard he falls to the floor.”

My brain: Jonah starts to say something about assault, but Melanie congratulates Sasha for stopping him and Basira, completely deadpan, adds, “We all saw him make a break for it.”

Me: “Jonah shuts the fuck up.”

My brain: Part of SIMS’ programming was not being allowed to answer to “Jon” anymore. He never outright denies being Jon, just corrects people that he is the Self-aware Intelligent Machine Simulation. Tim finishes the notes, makes it to the cold room door, looks into the nearest camera and shakily asks, “Jon?”

Me: “For the first time, there’s a solid three beat pause before the intercom answers, softly and less robotically than before, ‘...Yes, Tim?’”

My brain: Tim starts crying.

Me: “Of course he does! He’s been grieving Jon for weeks at this point, trying not to let it show just how sad and angry he was that it all ended like this, and now it turns out that not only is Jon alive, he never actually left them at all! All those months thinking Jon ghosted them, left them behind in R&D for greener pastures, and Jon was all-but-dead in a cold room the whole time, and none of them ever knew! The relief, the joy, the guilt, the lingering bitter grief and rage, it’s overwhelming. Who wouldn’t cry?”

My brain: It takes them a few days to figure out the download procedure to return Jon to his body, especially since Jonah can’t be trusted on this front. Tim and Sasha are the techies, and they recruit Melanie and Basira for extra hands. (Martin’s still terrible with machines, and Daisy needs to watch Jonah to make sure he doesn’t escape.)

My brain: Martin, feeling useless, stays by Jon’s side in the cold room.

Me: “When Jon wakes up, Martin’s the first thing he sees.”

My brain: Martin sees him moving, meets his eyes, and gasps, “Jon?” Jon nods and tries to say something, but his throat is dry and his voice won’t work. Martin scrambles to get him a glass of water and steadies Jon’s hands as he drinks it. When he lowers the glass, Martin cautiously asks if Jon’s feeling better.

Me: “Jon just smiles and answers, ‘You said my name.’”

My brain: Martin’s confused. “What else would I call you?”

Me: “Jon shakes his head. ‘I just... don’t think I’ve heard you say it before. Certainly not to me. It’s... nice.’”

My brain: Martin laughs helplessly and says it again. “Jon.” Jon’s smile brightens, and Martin can’t help stepping closer, repeating Jon’s name again. Jon laughs along.

Me: “It’s on instinct that Martin takes the empty glass and sets it to the side, leans over the chair, touches Jon’s shoulder, cups his cheek. He hesitates when they’re nose to nose, breathing the same air, shockingly warm even when Jon’s skin is still cold to the touch. He meets Jon’s eyes and swallows. ‘Is this okay?’”

My brain: Close enough to feel the small, inaudible gasp before Jon whispers, “Please.”

Me: “They only get one short kiss in before the door opens and Tim makes a scandalized noise before loudly declaring this unfair and blatant favoritism. Martin all but jumps away, but Jon just rolls his eyes and thanks Tim for saving him. As the others pile in —Sasha claiming she did all the work, Basira needing to know if Jon’s up for making an official statement, Melanie both needing to pass on a message from Georgie and wanting an exclusive interview for her expose— Martin can already feel himself fading into the background, even as he and Tim help Jon to his feet.”

My brain: At least until Jon lingers, fingers lightly resting against Martin’s arm, and looks up at him with hope in his eyes. “Later?”

Me: “Martin’s not entirely sure what Jon’s asking (Jon isn’t really either,) but he agrees anyway. He doesn’t even hesitate.”

My brain:

Me:

My brain:

Me:

My brain:

Me: “.....WELL FUCK.”

My brain, smug despite it being 4:30am: Told you it was a good idea.

Me: “I hate you so much.”

#tma #the magnus archives #tma fanfic #portal #jonathan sims #jarchavist #jon sims #tma jon #tma fic #portal fic #portal fanfic #my life #mine #my writing #tma: all about jon #tma: martin #tma s1 crew #tma expanded social circle #tma: the asshole in charge

[bosspigeon]

I don't know a thing about Wayhaven outside of what I'm gleaning through osmosis via your blog but have it with your OC of choice: hiding face in neck

lmao it’s fine i’m the one who disrupted my video game/d&d-based blog with my insane hyperfixation on an Interactive Vampire Romance Novel. welcome 2 my cyber wasteland-- no rules, just right. so, this is stupid and self indulgent but  ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯ my house now

3. hiding face in neck

“You don’t have to sit here, you know,” Juni giggles, squirming away from the stubble tickling at the tender curve of his neck.

“I don’t have to do anything, sweetheart” Mason grunts, and the affectation of carelessness Juni’s learned to see right through anyway is lost where it’s muffled between his ear and shoulder. “I’m right where I wanna be.”

Juni feels his face heat up a bit, and knows the flush is creeping down his neck because he’s all too familiar with the shape of Mason’s smirk against his skin at this point, and he knows they’re both thinking of him saying pretty much the same thing the night before, when he’d had his face buried in the detective’s soft chest.

“Well,” he blurts, desperate to change the subject. They’re alone in the sitting room for now, but that’s never a guarantee for long. “ I just... know how you feel about the way nail polish smells? And I can always go paint them outside, or wait until I’m back at my place, or--” He makes an ungodly squawking sound when he feels Mason’s teeth bite into his neck, nowhere near hard enough to pierce the skin, but definitely enough to leave a mark.

“Just paint your fucking nails, squeak toy,” he chuckles, and the detective doesn’t need to see his face to feel the aura of smugness radiating off him.

He grumbles a bit at the rude nickname, but does as bid, twisting open the brand new bottle and trying not to be too obvious about crossing his fingers. Almost instantly, Mason tenses against him, preparing to bury the sensory overload in the human’s scent. Juni waits a few seconds before he opens the bottle fully, and Mason lifts his head from the sanctuary of his shoulder to sniff cautiously at the air.

“Huh,” he says, eyeing the bottle. His nose wrinkles slightly. Juni figured this plan wouldn’t be perfect, but Mason’s reaction is definitely a far cry from the cringing, full-body revulsion Juni got the first time he made the mistake of painting his nails at the warehouse.

“I, uh, I found a new brand online?” Juni explains, brushing a messy black stripe over his thumbnail. “It took a bit, and I was worried it wouldn’t hold up, but it’s supposedly non-toxic and vegan? And the reviews were all pretty good. It actually peels off instead of chipping, too, which is gonna take some getting used to, and it’s pricier than I usually go for, so I’m hoping it lasts, but--”

As he’s wont to do when Juni gets to babbling, Mason quiets him with a kiss, and this one is the kind that leaves him feeling like his brain’s turning to soup in his skull. When Mason starts nibbling on his bottom lip, he thinks he feels it leaking from his ears. The one little part of his brain that hasn’t been liquefied by a stupid, sexy vampire regrets telling said stupid, sexy vampire he may have had a very, very, very small thing (some might call it a kink) for biting.

He miraculously hasn’t dropped the wet brush by the time Mason lets him breathe and try and remember how to think again, but the gentle thumb pressing to his wet, red lower lip certainly isn’t help on that front. “I just...” He swallows hard, blinking a bit and straightening his smudged glasses. “I just figured, well, since you’ve stopped smoking to spare my poor, fragile-even-for-a-human lungs, the least I could do is return the favor and not assault your senses because I want to try and fail to look cool, and wind up looking about as tough as a teacup yorkie in a spiked collar.”

Mason cocks an eyebrow at him. “Accurate, I’ll give you that.”

Juni smiles, still red in the face. “You think I’m cute,” he teases. Mason rolls his eyes heartily, crossing his arms while Juni keeps poking at him. “You like me.”

“You’re dripping nail polish on the table,” he says, and watches with more than a little amusement as the human yelps and hurries to clean his mess before it dries.

They settle in again, and this time Mason hooks his chin over the detective’s shoulder to watch him paint his nails. It’s messy, Juni knows he’s not the best at it. He gets almost as much on his skin as his nails themselves, and just hopes hopes it’ll come off on its own. Mason, if he has any, keeps his critique to himself, and though the polish doesn’t smell nearly as bad as the usual brand, it’s still not amazing even to Juni’s mortal senses, so Mason occasionally has to take refuge in the side of his neck again.

He’s pretty sure Mason’s going to tell him to fuck off (or the politest equivalent he’s capable of) and it’s pretty much just a shot in the dark to curb his boredom with holding still for any amount of time, and he almost falls off the sofa when Mason shrugs his shoulders and says, “Sure, why not?”

By the time he manages to finish (somewhat shaky and even messier than usual because Mason’s decided to nibble him again, and he’s distracting enough when he’s not mouthing at Juni’s ear) and deal with the battle of wills that is trying not to touch anything and ruin the polish before it can dry, Mason’s almost dozing against his back. “Can I paint yours too?” Juni asks without thinking. “Just.. waiting for them to dry is the worst part, and if I’m careful I can probably do yours without smudging mine?”

He probably should have seen Mason bracing both hands on his thigh and squeezing with a wolfish smile coming, but he hopes his sharp warning of, “Hold still, I like these jeans,” will deter any... shenanigans. It does, for the moment, and he finds it’s a lot easier to paint someone else’s nails than his own. Mason only has to bury his face in Juni’s dense curls once or twice before he’s done, and Mason’s left admiring his black nails. They’re still messy, but they look really good with the cords around his wrists. Figures he’d look effortlessly good even with Juni’s substandard nail painting skills.

“Not bad,” he hums, but his smirk says what he’s really thinking, which is “You suck at this, but it’s cute that you tried.” Juni definitely calls that a win regardless.

They are then left to kill time while Mason’s nails dry, and since Juni’s reached the safe stage he rewards the vampire for behaving by straddling his lap and holding his wrists down to keep him from forgetting himself and getting handsy while he kisses him. It’s definitely just as much for Juni as Mason, but with his mouth well occupied, Mason can’t say anything snarky on that front.

Juni growls almost as loudly as Mason does when Felix inevitably bursts through the door.

#pidge writes #the wayhaven chronicles #agent mason #agent m #twc detective #mason/m!detective #twc fanfic #oc: juniper fenn #i love seeing mason w his nails painted #but i also think he wouldnt even think about doing it himself #because the smell of most nail polishes would be GODAWFUL FOR HIM #they sometimes give me migraines and i dont have hypersenses ahfjdshgas #ANYWAY #this is self-indulgent nonsense and i refuse to apologize #experimentalmadness #prompt fic

[ace-in-a-shopping-cart]

Toxic Thoughts

Summary: Logan is ADHD. Songfic of Toxic Thoughts by Faith Marie. This is kind of a vent fic. If you don’t understand anything, feel free to ask!

Word Count: 1,607

Taglist: (Send an ask to be added or removed!) @starlocked01​​​ @spoopy-turtle​​​ @lizluvscupcakes​​ @more-fandon-than-friends​

Logan crumpled the paper with only a few lines on it, tossing it behind him and letting it fall among the others. He didn’t turn back to pick it up, no matter how bothersome it was going to be later. He didn’t even look at it, just started on the next page. He didn’t notice the room growing dark around him, the only light coming from the hash yellow of his desk lamp. 

He stared at the next page, his brain filling with thoughts of failure but unwilling to stop. He felt trapped in an endless cycle of failure but had no way of getting out. He put his pen to paper, knowing what he wanted but not knowing how to get it to come out in a manner that others could understand. So, he tried. He tried again and again and again, he tried to get his words down on the page in a meaningful way.

A knock at the door sounded but Logan didn’t hear it. He didn’t notice anything except the music blasting through his headphones and the words on the pages, the words scattered on the floor. A hand touched his shoulder and he jumped, slipping the headphones down and letting the music fill the room. Piano and violin, cello and oboe, Bach’s carefully planned sheets coming to life within the confines of modern technology now being set free.

Looking up, he was met with a dark room and a father standing by his side, looking over his work as he waited for a response from his son. “Dad? Did you need something?”

Virgil looked at him, a soft smile sitting on his face. “Just the evening reminder to eat, college student.”

A sinking feeling hit Logan’s stomach. It was more than just the realization that he was hungry, it was the feeling that always came when he was reminded what stage of life he was in. It was the feeling that came when he was reminded of the standards he set for himself that he was failing to meet, the understanding that he was at least three years behind his peers in both social and academic standards, no matter that he was already working through his general education prerequisites at sixteen, no matter that he was still in high school but was already starting on college. He knew he was behind, it was his driving force for most of his academic career as soon as he learned that fact. He wished he was told more about himself at a younger age, told that it was okay to not want friends, to know he was behind in social skills. He knew it wasn’t his father’s fault, after all, how could the most recent foster (adopted now) parent tell him anything during his childhood.

“Logan?” Virgil’s voice dragged him out of his thought process, reminded him of the hole in his stomach that needed to be filled with food.

Logan looked up at Virgil, putting his pen down. “Yeah, food sounds good.”

Virgil nodded. “Okay. You want anything in particular?”

Logan did. He really wanted mac-n-cheese. He also really wanted not to be a burden so just shook his head. He knew it was irrational and illogical to not tell Virgil his wants. He knew it was no use as Virgil wouldn’t see him as a burden and would love to make him food. He also knew that bad habits die hard.

Virgil nodded, his smile growing. “How about grilled cheese? Is that okay?”

Logan nodded. Grilled cheese was his other comfort food. “That’s fine.”

Virgil frowned. “Are you sure?”

Logan felt frustration bubble up inside of him like tar, something he could easily get stuck in if he wasn’t careful. He took a subtle deep breath. “Yeah, it’s great.”

Virgil nodded. “Okay. Do you want to come down while I make it or do you want me to get you when it’s done?”

Logan thought about it. He knew he would get dragged back into his hyperfixation if he was allowed to stay here. He also knew that he might lose the train of thought if he were to stop. Finally, he shrugged and stood. He couldn’t find the words anyways so why worry about losing the train of thought that never left the station. He followed Virgil back downstairs and watched as he grabbed the things he needed to make food.

“So,” Virgil attempted to make small talk, “what were you working on?”

“I need to write a poem for my english lit. class.”

Virgil nodded. “Butter or olive oil?”

“Butter. I just can’t think of any words. It’s like there’s too few parameters and too many at once.”

Virgil hummed in thought. “First thing’s first. What are the parameters?”

“It needs to be in iambic pentameter. Other than that, there’s nothing! No set subject, no set length, nothing!” He moved around the island, grabbing a glass and the juice. 

Virgil looked over at him. “Would you get me a glass of that too, please?”

Logan nodded and grabbed another. “I just don’t understand why professors will assign something with so little instructions. Am I supposed to have figured out how to be self sufficient after the rest of the school system drained it out of me?”

Virgil snorted. “That’s a bit drastic, even for me, Lo.” He turned, grabbing another few slices of bread while briefly looking at his child. “It could also just be that most neurotypical people understand how to follow the bare minimum of instructions. Do you need me to pick a subject or length?”

Logan shook his head. “No, I’ll need to do it eventually and I might as well learn now.”

Virgil sighed, turning the stove off and coming to rest a hand on Logan’s shoulder. “Look, when I adopted you, I knew things like this were going to happen. I knew what I was getting into even before I decided to foster you. Your thoughts and feelings are valid. It might take you a bit longer than your peers to understand yourself and that’s fine. Life isn’t a race and you are in no way a failure for taking things at your own pace.”

Logan’s shoulders shook, tears rolling down his face as he tried to screw the cap back onto the juice bottle. Virgil gently took his hands and turned his son to face him, giving him a hug. He ran his hands up and down Logan’s back in a soothing manner. “Yes, you deserve to take life at your own pace. But you also deserve to be alright, to sleep at night. You shouldn’t have to wonder why you are different and I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet you sooner. I’m sorry you had to go through life thinking you weren’t good enough. You are allowed to feel the emotions you do.”

Logan clung to him, tears wetting Virgil’s shirt but neither cared. Virgil hugged him tightly but not enough that he got sensory overload. Logan held on as if he were falling and Virgil was his lifeline. When he finally calmed down, neither pulled away. Virgil still hugged him, not caring about the cold food. Logan basked in the feeling of being loved and safe.

When they did pull away, Virgil allowed Logan to do it first. He pulled his hoodie off and threw it over Logan’s shoulders, dwarfing the skinny teen in the bulky fabric. “I’m gonna finish making dinner. How about you pick out a movie and we can watch it. Your homework can wait.”

Logan nodded, moving from the counter to the living room and kneeling by the movie rack. “How about The Sound of Music?” He called.

“Sounds good to me.” Virgil called back.

Logan smiled, walking back in and hopping onto the counter. Virgil looked over at him and smirked. “That kind of day, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“I think your new puzzle box came in the mail while you were at school.” Virgil nodded toward the table with a package sitting on it. “Maybe you can try to solve it while we watch the movie.”

Logan smiled. “You know, most parents wouldn’t be this chill with things like this.”

“Like what?”

“Homework being put off for no reason-”

“You are mentally exhausted and are heading toward burnout. You need other activities to recharge your batteries.”

“Other parents also wouldn’t deliberately suggest something else for their child to do when spending time together. Most would complain about the child not paying attention.”

Virgil smiled as he plated. “Yeah, well, I’m not the typical parent and you’re not the typical child. I adjust to your needs, you shouldn’t have to adjust to my whims.”

Logan’s eyes misted over and he slid off the counter to grab his plate and the package, stuffing it under his arm to grab his drink and carry everything into the living room for a family night. He grabbed a pad of paper and a pen scribbling the idea that just came to him onto the paper so he doesn’t forget.

Virgil walked into the room and sighed. “I thought I said homework could wait.”

Logan shrugged. “Inspiration comes when it comes.”

Virgil nodded. “Fair.” He set his things down and put the movie in as Logan put his thoughts down on paper. 

The rest of the evening was calm, eventually both ending up in the same corner of the couch as they bonded. It made Logan realize that maybe perfection might be unattainable but it’s something to strive for, even if the ultimate goal is to see the proud smile cross Virgil’s face again. 

#logan sanders #virgil sanders #dad!virgil #child!logan #songfic #fanfic #adhd!logan #adhd person writes adhd character #ace writes

[desdemonafictional]

2020 Fanfic Year End Summary

Hey ho let’s go

Nev does these every year and I think they’re interesting, so for the first time I’m gonna give it a go too. I feel like this has been the longest fucking year--the Zine feels like it was two years ago and last January feels like it was ten years ago.

I’m gonna answer some questions and do a little reflection on the year 

This year I technically finished Icarus with 2k words of a 36k story, and after that I went on to produce 197k words not even COUNTING the stuff from GPAU which I do not know how to divide up for 2020. 

That’s 23 fics in one year, 8 of which were cowriting projects. This year has been, objectively, insane. By comparison, in 2019 I produced 17 fics and at the time I thought THAT was doing pretty impressive work. Now it’s not my best year by sheer number of titles--2018 was an oil boom while I was into JTHM and I actually put out 25 fics that year, some of which were short oneshots and some of which were two- or three-shots. But in terms of words? 2020 knocked them all out of the park. Which is absolutely something I owe to my amazing friends who let me ride around in their brains like the parasite I am.

In 2018 I started cowriting with Chokopopo, in 2019 I started cowriting with Neveralarch, and in 2020 I just did a fucking ton more of that with no looking back. It’s so incredibly motivating to have someone to show your progress to! And to have someone to hand the project over to when you’re stuck. If I hadn’t had Nev to bounce off of, most of this fic wouldn’t have been thought up at all, let alone finished. And don’t even get me started on GPAU! Choko and Zephyr and me have done such amazing things with “Welcome! Everything is fine”, and I can’t wait to be able to wrap that up and leave it for posterity.

I switched job positions around July of this year, and it’s changed the way I produce fic. Not sure if it’s good yet or not. I was never actually under a stay at home order this year because I work for a state agency, so to a degree I’ve missed out on the ways that quarantine affected other writers. I think I was fortunate?

Best Title 

Ahhh this is tough, I put a lot of effort into my titles this year--I promised myself in 2019 I was going to stop using song lyrics for fic titles because they make songs loop in my brain and it’s self inflicted torment, which is a promise I... mostly kept. “Dress Your Idol in Gold and Ashes” is the one I put most effort into probably, because I kept toying around with it trying to find something that was evocative of the right pagan imagery, and also the idea that got me started on the fic was a passage in a text book about the daily dressing of an idol statue in ancient Egypt.

“Broke My Last Glass Jaw” gets special mention because I named it after an essay that I wrote in undergrad for my African American Lit course, in which I broke down themes of the spoiled american dream via the lens of 90′s rap.

Worst Title

“Take one for the Team” is definitely my laziest title. It’s just super self indulgent kink fic, no character arc or anything, so I couldn’t find a good image or phrase to bring in for the title. Also I remember I really wanted to post it quickly, since it was a response to some art I was looking at, and I wanted the artist to see. I’m sure I could have done better with the title.

I did end up titling “Fear and Delight” after a song but I forgive myself because I literally only wrote the fic because the song existed first.

Best Summary

Some of these summaries I wrote and a some I did not, but of the ones that I wrote I think.... “ I'm All Full Up on Yesterdays, Don't Sing Me No More Blues” is the best one. It launches you directly into the action, while preserving the surprise reveal at the end of chapter 1. I actually wrote chapter one with this summary in mind, so it was baked in there from the start.

Jazz turned in his seat, cube at his lips, just in time to spot the white pursuit vehicle steaming and panting in the doorway. “Jazz of Staniz,” the enforcer shouted, “surrender the matrix and come quietly!”

Jazz knocked back his drink. “Well!” he said to the open-mouthed bartender, “time to split!”

Worst Summary

I mean, summaries are hard for everyone, right? That’s the thing we all universally struggle with, I think? I usually end up liking mine, and this year I was less afraid to just let a section of the story speak for itself. Anyway the worst one is “ Broke My Last Glass Jaw” by virtue of the fact that I had to come back months later and add another line because I wasn’t satisfied with how it was reaching audiences.

After the war, Impactor is at loose ends.

(They were friends once, weren't they? After all this time, Impactor wonders if Megatron hasn't managed to forget.)

I really wanted that one line to say it all, but honestly it requires a lot of trust in me as the author and most of the people who pass by the fic in the archive aren’t gonna know me from adam. The second line clarifies what kind of story it’s going to be in terms of tone and theme.

Best First Line

I’m pretty ambivalent about most of my first lines. Since Nev already pointed out the first line in “ Apotheosis”, I have to admit, it is pretty good. It gets off to a real jaunty start.

“Excuse me,” Starscream said, striding down the steps of the senate chambers with his cape flaring out behind him, “get your cowcatcher out of his face, you tin-plated amateur despot, he’s with me.”

I also like the audacity of a run on sentence that is the opening to “ Desecrate You”

Ratchet clicks the video because it was auto-recommended, and because First Aid is always dropping hopeful hints that he wants her to watch his show when he’s supposed to be grading papers, and because something about the title (“This is Definitely a Hoax! None of this is Real! Short Cut Footage Episode”) makes her wonder why the hell someone who runs a Ghost Hunting youtube channel would bill their own hard work as a hoax right out of the bag.

Worst First Line

Definitely the least interesting is from “Tantric Sex, and Other Mysteries of the Divine”. I guess it’s another fic where I was really eager to get to the meat of the fic, and so I just went back after I was done with the fic and wrote a paragraph of bare bones setting context so we could move on already.

It’s game night at Swerve’s, and Nightbeat is out in the thick of the crew for once, getting the lay of the land.

I have the same problem in a few fics, which probably arises from the fact that when I read a fic, I often skim the first paragraph or so to see if I really want to commit to the read. So I sometimes write like I’m expecting the audience to do that too. I probably need to work on that. Man, I even did it in Sexy Staycation.

Best Last Line

I like endings! I usually have a good gut instinct for where stories should end, and how to pace that, and what image I want to close the fic on. Often times I’ll be writing a story and feeling really lukewarm about it, and then the ending will come to me, and I’ll feel totally won over by it. That happened with my Suicide Squad fic years ago. So this is for the most part me picking the best of the things I already like. “Broke My Last Glass Jaw” has a good pithy one; I like how it isolates this moment as a moment of choice, and how it’s also ambiguous whether he will change because of this or whether he’s doomed to go back to his predetermined pattern.

And despite the unguarded door and the empty inviting streets beyond, where no one wants or expects anything of him but his feterless bitter trog onward into the next waiting prison cell, Impactor lays down, and Impactor does.

Special mention goes to “ The Sky Dark in its Eclipse : Orange Light Remix”, because the ending section is one of the big changes I brought to the remix, and I’m really happy with how it alters the shape of the narrative and also how it changes the focus of Rung’s arc. Most of the actual words in this fic were written by Choko in 2018, so this is like a collab in slow motion--I changed loadstone moments mostly, some of the framing, all of the backstory, and updated the setting for Cybertron. But the ending is all me.

On the morning of Intro to Psych finals, while Hot Rod hums and taps and scrolls back and forth through his test on the front row of the testing hall, Rung will sit behind his desk and brush the dust from the rotors of his fateful archetype, and start the long process of putting the pieces together once and for all.

Worst Last Line

Again, I like my endings, so this is really the worst of the best. The original ending line I wrote for “ All Our Urgent Restless Sighing” was:

Deadlock’s finials twitched. “...I am a reasonable amount of interested,” he said, “in this topic.”

And in the beta process, Nev came back in and added the line about Ratchet and cuddling, which was a big hit with the readers it seems like. So clearly I benefitted from some help there haha!

Looking back, did you write more or less than you thought you would this year?

you know what, I definitely wrote more than I thought I would. I didn’t see “Don’t Sing Me No More Blues” coming at all, and that was once a month for most of the year. I was hoping that I would be able to write a few things outside of Transformers, because I always worry that my long spans of hyperfixation are driving away my longtime readers... and I did manage to get one hxh thing written that was good, and one hxh thing started that is mediocre so far. So I guess I’ll call that good enough.

 What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, just your favorite.

hmm I’m really proud of the Pharma chapter me and Choko put together for GPAU--the body horror, the tragedy, the lotus eater machine plot. But even though that felt like a whole ass story of its own, I guess it’s only a chapter at the end of the day. So my favorite story would be “Apotheosis”. It’s just SO much, and we had SO many things we wanted to do, and somehow we managed to do them ALL. Corpses! Children! God! It’s got everything! The only thing it doesn’t have is the idea that literally started us plotting out the fic. And that was “ritual public sex with Starscream and Rung”. Oh well. Maybe someday. Probably not.

Okay, Now your most popular story

Ha! I tend to view the success of a fic more based on its bookmark ratio than its hit count, but by the numbers, unsurprisingly, “ Don't Sing Me No More Blues” is my most popular fic of the year at a whopping 3k hits and 113 bookmarks. Well, it is jazz/prowl which means it has a built in audience of considerable size, and it also updated seven times this year which increases its net range, so no surprise. But I think people also just really vibed with it--it’s very much a product of the times we are living in, and I don’t think it could have been written in any year except for 2020. 

“Dress Your Idol” has 58 bookmarks, by the way. I’m extremely proud of that fic for having such a high bookmark to view ratio. I guess the people who did read it liked it a lot.

Story most underappreciated in its Time.

Okay nothing is as under-exposed as the stuff I produced in JTHM, so I’m definitely not complaining. It’s hard to think about leaving TF because TF is such an enthusiastic community. That said, “ Neggnog Cozy” did not get eyeballs. I’m not surprised, it’s short and it’s gen, and Thundercracker doesn’t have the built in audience of say Starscream. Still, I thought it was really funny and cute and I would have liked it if more people would have given it a chance.

Story that could have been better

Oh, “ Melusine Among the Tombs” for sure. I went into that with only the first chapter planned and immediately after realized that I had no idea where the fic was going and also I had lost my grip on canon characterization after a couple years going rusty in other fandoms. I plan to finish it eventually, but I need a better plan than “wing it???” first.

Sexiest Story

I wrote SO much weird kink this year. Like. Shout out to past me for writing some pretty spicy JTHM fic, but this year I really leaned into how weird you can plausibly get with an all robot all alien cast. 

“ The Sensual Machine” is the most unabashedly horny because it was written specifically for a weird kink themed zine that I was an editor on. “Desecrate You” is also quite horny but I almost exclusively wrote the frame device for that, so I don’t get sexy credit lmao. “Fear and Delight” was a big hit with all the hxh readers and I think it has an element of sexiness more so than pure horniness--its has a kind of glamour and style to it.

Most fun story

“Starscream's Sexy Staycation” is by far the most unabashedly comic and sexy and silly and low stakes. It has one of my favorite kinks, a beautiful stupid moment of Ratchet suffering, and Rung calling safeword which is something new and fresh and I want a lot more of it in the world.

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

“ Lacunae” was given to me as a yule gift prompt with the express intention of explaining who the fuck Carmilla’s mother was, and what the deal is with Carmilla as well. This would have forced me to reevaluate my understanding of the novel except for the TEENSY insignificant fact that I realized I had never finished reading Carmilla, somehow, and ended up reading it for the first time in December in preparation for yule. So uh. Hmm.

I think “ Don't Sing Me No More Blues” made me think about Prowl in a different way. I wasn’t really expecting him to be this hard-edged idealist when I started out on the fic. He was originally going to be much more like the autistic coded Prowl of “The Cop and the Cryptid,” one of my favorite fics ever. Also, I started writing the fic about a month before the riots and police protest kicked off in America this year, and it really caused me to zero in on how Prowl being part of a system like that affects his relationship to the world and other characters.

Hardest Story to Write

“ Elegy for Actaeon of the Hounds” took me a total of six months to write from start to finish. I don’t know why. Well, It’s partly because there are three involved sex scenes and sex scenes are actually very difficult and time consuming for me to write. It’s also partly because I kept wanting it to have a character arc, and I kept getting stumped on how to handle that. Beauty and the Beast plot lift? Have Rodimus be a rabbit? Eventually I settled on the version that kept the cast tightly cinched down around Megatron and Rung, and I’m happy with the result.

Easiest Story to Write

When we were writing “Apotheosis” it felt like we were on FIRE, we were so productive and we started three other projects between us while it was in motion. But “Take One For the Team” was absolutely the most fun to write, it basically wrote itself

Most Overdue Story

“Champagne in the Final Days of Rome” was based off a conversation I had with Nev pretty early on in our friendship--Discord says it was June 2019, so that’s uhhh ten months between discussion to actual writing? And it still didn’t turn out to be the fic we were originally outlining, haha.

Oh god you know what was really the most overdue? The last chapter of “Icarus; or, Look Who's Digging His Own Grave”. It was literally a year, January to January, between chapter 12 and 13. For a while I thought maybe I was just going to have to leave it there, without resolving the time loop problem at all.

Did you take writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Writing for the zine was a big risk. I remember Nev had to reassure me at least twice that what I was writing wasn’t too weird or off-topic or embarrassing to be part of the project. Now, of course, I’m very happy with it. But my god I was nervous to post something that was like.... straight up actually bimboification applied to one of the most popular toy characters of all time.

What I learned from this is that people love horny shit, are READY to take a chance on a weird fic when its in the right wrapping paper, and when in doubt you CAN sell people on a kink they’re not really into by making the kink actually a reflection of a character arc. Are you writing this down?

Do you have any goals for writing in the new year?

Finish GPAU!!!!!!

I’d like to FINALLY sit down and do some hard work on my original fiction. I’ve been kind of waiting for the tf hyperfixation to wane so I could move forward, and I think that process is in motion now. But who knows. If Rung shows up in the new comics I might get nerfed again.

Other than that I’d like to write at least one fanfic that isn’t TF, and I would like to get this really crunchy Rung/Pharma fic off the ground so I can make some people CRY

#2020 retrospective #fanfic

[that-random-ace]

Little angsty Roman short cause the last episode is still occupying my mind (it’s called hyperfixation go blame my messed up brain)

TW: mention of suicide, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt (?) low self estem; just lots and lots of triggering thoughts so please be cautious!!

Roman stared at his feet dangling higher than he had ever been. Between his toes, between his legs he could see the ground almost a half a mile beneath him. It was endearing. Capturing. How small a world can seem when you just put some distance between it and you. So very small. Roman wished he could do the same with his problems. But he couldn’t. They were stuck in his mind and he was stuck with his mind. There was no distance. There was no escape. Even if he tried. And he had tried.

Tried so so often.

No method ever worked.

He was stuck.

With a sad sigh he ripped his gaze away from the ground that seemed endlessly far away and directed it to the sky above him. White clouds traveling across a sea of blue. It was calming. Freeing. Roman smiled a little at the sight. He remembered all the times he had made Thomas gaze at the clouds when he was still so young, how together they had discovered a thousand shapes and figures in something as mundane as clouds. Back then it had seemed magical. The sky had seemed unreachable, unreal. Now it was just boring for most people. Roman learned to hold back with his fascination of it. He knew Thomas would come of weird if he went forward with it. So Roman stared at the cloud in the imagination instead. It was his realm. His kingdom. The sky was part of it. But even for him, now the sky sometimes seemed like nothing more than that: a blue sky with white clouds. No figures, no shapes. Just boring old sky.

Eventually everyone outgrows their old fascinations.

Thomas had outgrown sky gazing.

Right now Thomas was on his best way to outgrow Roman.

Roman knew that. He knew that he didn’t have long anymore. He was after all sitting on top of a tower, a tower nearly half a mile high, with no shoes and only very unsteady seating. There was a reason he had finally decided to come all the way up here. He had wanted to see this. Just once before he is completely outgrown. Because once you are outgrown you leave. That is the rule. And if there was one thing Roman had to do now, it was follow rules. If he didn’t he truly would be as bad as his brother and even in his last moments he couldn’t stand that thought. He had to go. The others had all made that painfully clear. The villain has to leave so the hero can live his life properly again. Roman didn’t want to give Thomas even more of a hard time. He had done enough. He was done.

The sky above him looked beautiful in all its glory. Blue and white. Beneath him the green hills and mountains were tiny, the trees only small spots in an endless field. It was truly beautiful. Roman didn’t mind disappearing here. He wondered how it would feel to fall, to just let go and be surrounded by nothing but air. To fall. For one last time. Would he finally feel happy again? Feel whole?

He wondered.

His phone rang beside him. He let it.

It was a nice little soundtrack to his thoughts.

His phone kept ringing.

It was almost enough to pull his thoughts away from him. Almost enough to make them fly away into the sky. Roman almost wanted it to be enough.

The ringing stopped.

Roman barely noticed. He was so focused on his feet that dangled too high and his breath that was too shallow for it to be normal. He wasn’t sure if there was a heartbeat in his chest. He wasn’t sure anymore. Do villains have hearts? Do they have something to remind them they are alive?

Roman wasn’t sure what he was. Neither dead nor alive. Not exactly the past but surely not the future. Not good enough but always too much. Funny how you can already be half of a pair but still feel there is another pair trapped inside of you. For a second he contemplated splitting right then and there. Splitting creativity once again. But he knew that would hurt. He knew how much. He knew it would just make matters worse.

Falling was much easier.

And Romans was standing at the edge now, arms wide as if he could fly, eyes closed and hair disheveled by the wind. He only needed to take one step. One step until it would finally all be over. Forever. Half a mile was a long fall.

He almost giggled when the wind increased pushing against his front. It was almost as if it was trying to push him back from the edge. Roman did chuckle. The wind was still hoping. How naive. The imagination sometimes truly was just that: naive.

And Roman was standing at the edge half a mile over the ground when his phone rang once again, the phone that the other sides had gotten him for moments exactly like this one. When he was lost in the imagination once again. When he was a being a disappointment. Lately the phone had been ringing a lot.

With a delighted sigh the prince stepped back from the edge that was his salvation, his escape and sat down again. His feet weren’t dangling in the air anymore. Roman already missed feeling the emptiness beneath him. It was strangely calming; the knowledge that just one step could finally make you fly. Finally make you live. Even if just for a couple seconds. Until the ground hits. It was truly strange.

One of his steady hands picked up the ringing phone laying close to the edge. Roman wondered:

had he taken that step, had he fallen, would the phone have rung for eternity?

Would it have stayed here, isolated on a gigantic tower for all eternity?

He wondered.

Then he finally picked up.

„Roman! Thank god!“ it was Virgil. Roman couldn’t help but be relieved that it wasn’t Patton or Janus. He couldn’t deal with either of them after today. Not after they had hit the final strike. Not after he was finally up here. Done.

Then his relief was instantly shattered as he heard Virgil again, this time slightly more quiet as if he was turned away from the phone

„Patton he picked up!“ then a bit louder again: „Damn you, princey! You worried us to death. I nearly had an anxiety attack....“

The guilt hit harder than Roman had expected. He had worried the others again. He truly was nothing but a mere disappointment. He was only making Thomas life harder. As always. He definitely should have just allowed himself to fly. Just for a couple seconds. Just until the ground hits.

He whispered: „I’m sor...“ but he was interrupted before he could finish. Once again, He wasn’t worthy of being listened to.

This time it was Pattons voice that greeted him on the other end of the line.

„Roman! Oh dear finally! We were worried sick! Where are you?“

The guilt was so high in his throat, Roman wasn’t sure he could answer. The edge really seemed inviting now. He scooted forward on the roof; his feet now dangling in the air freely again. The wind around him stopped the tremble of his hands. Perhaps he could swallow his guilt after all.

He never had a chance to try.

On the other end there was shifting and Roman could faintly hear discussion but no words were clear. He wondered what the others were doing, what this time was more important. More important than him. He could think of at least a thousand things.

For a split of a second it was silent again. It was just Roman staring down the fall that could kill him. That would. Eventually.

Then virgil: „princ...“

Interrupted by Remus who Roman could faintly hear screaming before he heard a loud thud.

Roman had to squeeze his eyes shut. The vouce of his brother had always been one that hurt him deep in his heart. There was something surreal about knowing that once that voice had been his too. Once they had been one. Now they were hero and villain. Roman wasn’t sure who was which at this point.

Subconsciously he leaned forward just a little bit; just that tiny bit closer to the actual end.

He regreted it immediately after.

Remus voice startled him so much that for a second he lost balance. He almost fell. He wasn’t sure if he would have regretted it.

„Sweet brother helloo!!! The three idiots you call your friends are worried. It’s time for the hero to come safe the day.“

„Then go call the hero“ was all Roman could think but he never said it. He couldn’t. He was already enough of a burden. Even for his brother.

Instead:

„Sure...“

It was patton on the phone again a second after.

„Kiddo! You are coming back then? Good! We were so worried.“

It sounded genuine.

But

All Roman could feel was that overwhelming guilt again. He had worried them. He was being a burden again. He always was.

„Roman?“

More worry. Fuck, he really needed to stop being such a bother. In one swift motion Roman stood up, his back turned to the abyss that he hoped would swallow him soon. The sky above him was still blinding, still beautiful. He didn’t feel worthy of being in its presence.

„I’ll be there in a sec.“

On the other end he heard the others chatter about; he was pretty sure he even heard deceit and Remus, both sounding more happy than he had been in a long time. He wasn’t even there but he already knew he didn’t fit in. Not there. He didn’t deserve it.

He didn’t wait for an answer from them, it didn’t sound like one was coming anyway so instead he ended the call. For a second he stared at the black screen. It was reflecting his face. The face of a fallen hero.

Or

A broken villain.

Roman wasn’t sure which was worse.

He stared back at the bright blue sky above him. The sky that made him dream. He was the side responsible most for the dreams thomas had. He controlled what Thomas desired.

In that moment there was nothing Roman wanted more but to fall backwards and never stop falling. To hit the ground. To stop.

The sky seemed perfect to be lost in. To fall away from. The perfect last picture. If only he had the courage. If only he wasn’t such a failure. Even now. Even still.

With a sigh, he started his descent down the tower secretly hoping, praying, that he would slip and fall

After all.

Disapproving.

Disappointing.

Disappearing.

He wondered,

Was that all he was good for?

#this turned out way longer than expected #also not exactly good #but you know #at least now my hyperfixation might rest for a bit #i apologize profundly for the angst #and the ton of suicidal shit #tw suidice #roman angst #heavy roman angst #roman sanders fic #roman sanders angst #angst #suicide #low self worth #ts roman #ts #thomas sanders #sander sides

[echo-inthevoid]

Season 2 q&a and overall reaction

Jonny stealing everyone's names XD 

Is martin going to be ok!? I also need to know! 

He said no;-; 

ok ya, no one's gonna be ok. 

Ya, he must do sooo much research. 

Ya, except for "fatigue" lol.

Eyyy the mechanisms!! 

What's the red string brigade? Ok, I guess a group of fans theorizing about stuff. 

Oh ok so someone else did martins poetry. Ooh, there's more martin poetry out there! *grabby hands*

Ok ya, Alex clarifying that Jon isn't stupid he just makes poor decisions. Probably if he'd paused and thought about it (like I did lol, I had to go do some stuff in the middle of that ep and thought about it a whole bunch lol) instead of immediately going out and buying an axe and further isolating himself and panicking immediately he probably would have figured it out. This is why it's bad to panic in a crisis guys. 

Eyyy! Jonny's parents voiced Gertrude and Leitner! That's so cool. 

XD Jonny grumbling about having to work with his parents. 

Hmm, I hadn't really thought of Gertrude being like a mother figure in the story? She just seems very cut-throat I guess from what Leitner said. Idk so far I've been very suspicious of her. Especially since that one statement where her photo burned a whole bunch of people or something. She just seems very shady... 

Alex chortling over Jonny's pain. XD

Side note, Every time there's a q&a I just can't stop noticing Jonny's voice going in and out of archivist range? Like most of the time I'm just listening along and then he'll say a sentence a bit grumblier and my brains immediately like "ARCHIVIST! That's THE ARCHIVIST!!" 

Martin would be the last one alive in Friday the 13th! It's official! 

(Is it bad that this gives me hope)

Jon likes Nonfiction, documentaries, and probably collects something just a little bit weird. *writes down for use in potential fics* 

also while im at it I remember jon saying he dislikes coffee at one point,  and so many people have him liking coffee in their fics! This has been your daily reminder of that fact because ever since then it keeps bugging me lol. (But also do whatever u want.)

Alex's spluttering sounds so much like Martin.

Yes!! I want to hear jon sing!! Yes! Musical Episode When!!?

Ah yes yes yes! All the characters are so unique!!? How does he do it!! 

Ya, it being in audio format sometimes makes it hard to understand what's happening in the live-action bits. (Live-action is the wrong word but u know what I mean.)

Oh ok ya, how he mentioned he got a pipe was quite clever I didn't realize that that's why he mentioned it at all. 

Ooh, there's a manga where there's something similar to Michael? I'll have to look that up later...

XD Alex and Jonny arguing about apples. 

Ok, so all the statements we're hearing ARE for reals. I kinda assumed but good to have it confirmed.

They used to hang out together!!? Work function curry nights!! ;-; 

Ya Ya! Who made the leitners!?

"You are assuming a book needs to be written" ...ok then. (but it has to have been created somehow??? Did they just spring fully formed from the powers? why? And why take the form of books?)

Alex's mischievous laugh about whether jon has friends *trembles in fear*

Yes!! Micheal is so good! I'm so happy they love him too! Yesyes! His laugh! 

Ah Yes!! Mary kaey was so creepy! 

XD yes yes yes fatigue was written on zero sleep, I knew it! 

Akskdjdkd I love them so much. Also, I've looked up Michaels voice actor luke booys and he does some other horrory type sketches n stuff and I kiiinda want to do a little animatic with some of those but it's Michael like annoying some poor soul lost in his halls... I think that'd be fun. I wonder if anyone's done that yet? If so someone send me the links I neeeed iiitt :3

Season 2 summary:

Uuuuu ya so this season was really good. I kinda listened to it in bursts of about ten episodes every couple weeks and then have been saving up the reactions to post later so these are usually going up about a week or so after I actually listened to the episode just FYI. 

I also do have a lot of spoilers cause I can't keep myself away from fanfic and people don't always tag for spoilers and I kiiinda wana know what's coming beforehand anyway? Idk it's hard man I get very stressed about what might happen and then also listening to too much at a time is too spooky for my poor little heart so I gotta read the less spooky fanfic to fulfill the hyperfixation you see. (If anyone has fanfic with spoilers only up to season 2 that'd be great btw) 

Anyway, I try not to take spoiler type stuff into account unless I'm just so sure of it I can't really not acknowledge that I know about it. 

Also, can I just talk about Michael for a minute?? Cause he's such a unique character? And I guess maybe there are other characters like him but I haven't ever seen one -tho to be fair tma is only like the third horror thing I've ever really got into (the other two are the SCP Foundation in its various forms and Little Nightmares. Hence why I keep making reference to SCP it's really the only thing I know similar to this.) But he's such a cool concept!!? Like someTHING that still has a personality? He's so not human? Like I get what he says but also I don't really? Idk im pretty sure he's an avatar right? Right?? Idk if that means he was a person at some point? But all this to say that he is probably the most inhuman character I've come across so far and I'm trying to figure out what it is about him that's so "other" to me? Like... I don't really know what Micheal's deal is? he seems to want to be sort of a neutral mischief-maker but also it seems like he keeps getting invested. But also I just love the way he talks about himself. Like he's a monster that has a personality and is fully intelligent but isn't just evil but isn't neutral either and certainly isn't benevolent. Like he's so complex and just,,,, the idea of a "thing" that's got a personality?? I love it? Kind of like dryads or spirits of things? Like the idea that after a long time things gain personality just by existing? Not that that's what Michael is necessarily? but that same sort of concept applies to him I think. Like the way he IS the maze and wants to help but wants to just watch but wants to kill them all. He's just so interestinggggggg. (And another vision of what jon could become?)

 also "es Mentiras" is a beautiful name 💕

So are him and not-Sasha avatars? Not-Sasha also seems completely inhuman and I was under the impression that avatars were (or used to be) human? Or are they like personifications of their power? Do all the powers have personifications of themselves. not-Sasha seems even less human than Michael? Like she seems to just really genuinely enjoy causing fear? Tho I guess we didn't really get to hear a lot of her. She just seemed kinda gleefully angry most of the time we heard from her. Was she... Human once!???

Anyway. Also, can I just talk about leitners line about jon belonging to the eye!!? Just..*chefs kiss* hnnnngg I need more jon grappling with that. I just need more everyone dealing with the fallout post all of the finallies ok? I still need more of jon angsting over his worms scars and stuff and now I also need jon freaking out about belonging to a fear god power thing. 

Also Martin! Is Martin ok? He sure did a lot of yelling which he doesn't usually? Look I love him and he actually thinks before he acts (unlike SOME people *looks at jon*) and he writes poetry and it is pretty good poetry ok!! And he cares about everyone and just wants a happy ending and aaaaa😭

Petition to get some statements from Martin's pov tho? I mean that's not gonna happen cause Jon's the archivist but I want more martin pov!! Maybe we can get some of his poem tapes??? Pls????? 

I feel so bad for Tim. It sounds like he's kinda fallen into despair.

Also Elias!!? Is showing his spooky side!!? He can control cameras and beat a man to death with a pipe!!? This is his "place of powerr"!!? I am afeared!!? At least jon knows he shouldn't trust him now. Oh jeez, I wonder if jon will listen back to the tape and know what happened. Thhhatsss rough. Oh dear, I hope he doesn't feel guilty cause Leitner did keep trying to hurry him and now everyone thinks it was him. Even martin thinks he did it? Wich like I kinda want to hear more of his thoughts on that? How much does he believe that jon did it? Tim certainly seems pretty certain but he's a bit biased and cynical right now so. 

And they were in the maze for DAYS? 

Now I need martin recovering from being stuck with Tim in Michaels maze for days being angry and worried and hungry etc... Dksjdksa knowing jon could be dying RIGHT NOW and there's nothing he can do. Please someone give me the fic links if this exists!! I've already written like 5 drabbles based entirely on spoilers/other fics (which I'll probably post (w/ links to their inspirations) once I'm caught up and can make sure I'm not just completely demolishing cannon lol. 

Leitner didn't even scream or yell or anything when he was murdered. Literally the chillest dude ever. F

Overall super great, Elias is terrifying, let's dive into the next season!!! I've got 2 seasons to finish in like, less than 2 or so weeks(?) if I wana be caught up by season 5 hhhh,,,

Better get started I guess. 

#tma #tma lb #tma liveblog #liveblogging #tma season 2 #season 2 #season 2 q&a #season 2 finale #the magnus archives

[words-writ-in-starlight]

hi, it's the adhd anon again. according to the dsm-v, i think i have it, which is weird bc i've never seen myself as having more trouble than others. (my grades are better than almost anyone else in my grade.) (although that might just be bc i'm interested in what's being taught - when something's not interesting or too hard, i have a pretty hard time doing it.) anyway, if it's not too much trouble, what does feel like to stim/hyperfixtate for you? (i'm so sorry to bother you in advance)

Hey, dude, welcome back!  So, okay, first things first: the stereotype of someone with ADHD automatically doing terribly in school is based heavily on the original diagnostic criteria, which categorized ADHD strictly in terms of “young hyperactive white boy who has violent outbursts and/or disciplinary problems and Just Doesn’t Do Well in academics.”  And there are people who manifest ADHD like that, it’s a stereotype with roots in reality--a lot of people with ADHD either consistently struggle with academics or eventually reach a point where their previous focusing techniques fail them.

However.

I left high school for college two years early, and if I hadn’t, I would probably been valedictorian of the graduating class, because I had a GPA well above 4.0 due to my general habit of doing extra credit whenever it was offered.  In college, I had a reputation for turning in beautifully complete lab reports and essays five pages over the minimum requirement.  I got high honors on my thesis, graduated magna cum laude, and finished a pre-medical major in half the recommended time period.  When I was a kid, the phrase “savant syndrome” got thrown around a lot, to give you some context.

On the other hand, I manifest a lot of those stereotypical ADHD symptoms: I’m loud, I interrupt people a lot, I have erratic and overwhelming mood swings that I struggle to control, I fidget incessantly and can’t stand silence, I have a tendency to get destructive when I’m angry, I have managed to seriously injure myself because I couldn’t resist a stupid impulse more than once, and if we’re all being honest, I would never have graduated high school at all, because I was on the brink of expulsion for getting into fights during class periods.  

It’s easy to feel like “I never really struggled academically” is somehow a counterargument to any and all symptoms of ADHD that you might manifest, but it’s really not.  (Heck, sometimes ADHD is even helpful--I finished my thesis a full week before anyone else and had time to fix my citations, mostly because my ADHD responds well to pressure and that crunch time hyperfocus Had My Back.)  It might take time for you to come to terms with this idea, and that’s okay!  But try to at least consider it.

All that being said, I am actually gonna answer your question, I just got distracted because the amount of time I spent making the statement “I’m faking having ADHD because I did well in school” is mindblowing and I have a Thing about it.  Forgive my ramble.

Stimming: I’m going to answer this first because the answer is going to be the most useless.  The ways I stim tend to be vocal/auditory stuff (I talk a lot when I’m alone, I sing and play music when I’m doing menial tasks, if I’m really anxious I’ll hum a single note until I calm down) or tactile stuff (sometimes destructive things like scratching my arms, sometimes neutral stuff like tapping my fingers in specific patterns or rubbing my palms over my jeans or the leather of a jacket or something).  It’s mostly things that ‘pass’ for neurotypical with very few exceptions, because I trained myself out of a lot of my ‘non-passing’ stims (rocking back and forth, knocking into walls, hand-flapping, that sort of thing) really young.  As for what it feels like to stim, it’s just...good.  It’s sort of like the brain equivalent of running your hand the right way along velvet, and discovering that you’ve been rubbing it backwards all along.  Or like the equivalent of stepping into a cool shower on a really hot day--it’s not that it’s miserable outside the shower, it’s just that the shower is extremely good.  I have a playlist of music that, for whatever reason, hits the right combination of voice and rhythm and notes and words to make my brain suddenly get calm, and it’s not necessarily my favorite music or a cohesive collection of tunes or anything (featuring Six Shooter by Coyote Kisses and also Human by Rag’n’Bone Man, which have nothing in common), but it’s Good.

Hyperfocus: You didn’t actually mention this, but I think it’s worth mentioning because it’s one of the hallmarks of ADHD.  It bears more than a passing resemblance to the concept of “flow”, but turned up to 11.  Hyperfocus is the state of being so overwhelmingly tuned in to the thing you’re currently doing that everything else falls away--which is fine, unless you’re one of us folks who can hyperfocus ourselves right through meal times.  It’s inexorable, it’s all-consuming, and it can feel pretty fucking great, which is why it’s important to be careful and find a way to hydrate yourself.  The primary difference between hyperfocus and flow is that hyperfocus is generally involuntary and does not necessarily tune you into something you planned or wanted to pay attention to.  If you ever see me publish a fic that includes a note about “I didn’t mean to write this but it’s 2 AM so here”, that’s code for “please validate me, I’ve been hyperfocused on this for two or three hours and I failed to do a lot of important things as a result.”  The other thing about hyperfocus is that afterwards, the drop coming off it is a real bitch.  It leaves me feeling hollowed out, exhausted, and kind of pettily disinterested in anything that would usually hold my attention.  Being hyperfocused is like being a machine designed to do one thing and one thing only and doing that thing feels incredible; coming off hyperfocus is like being an overtired toddler.

Hyperfixation: Hyperfixations are the ADHD equivalent of a special interest, aka: that thing you’ve been struggling not to pester every single person you know about, every single second of every single day of the past two and a half weeks.  Were you around, dear anon, when this blog was Only Animorphs, All The Time, and if you didn’t give a shit about morphin’ teens you just had to sit down, shut up, and learn some stuff, or else unfollow me?  That’s what hyperfixating looks like.  Sometimes it’s useful stuff--do you know how unbelievably useful having a hyperfixation on triage techniques is to me?  I crushed my triage training, I owned that shit, I wrote a whole chapter of my thesis on it.  Other times, it’s...well, Animorphs.  Or the American Revolution.  Or X-Men.  Or dinosaurs.  Some random shit like that.  Learning about hyperfixations, talking about them, is generally pure unadulterated joy.  On the other hand--oh, God, listen, I know how annoying I am, but I cannot stop myself.  I know I haven’t talked about anything but Animorphs in three weeks, I know I’ve made forty-five TAZ posts today, whatever you’re about to complain about, I already know, okay, I am aware, and there is nothing more painful than to have a fucking out-of-body experience watching yourself rattle on about a hyperfixation while the other person obviously gets bored in front of you.  And then you try to keep your mouth shut and it physically hurts not to talk about the thing.  It’s hard to describe what it ‘feels’ like except that ADHD brains are magpies at their core and hyperfixations are the shiny, shiny objects your brain wants to take home.

Anyway, I’m not sure how useful ANY of this has been, but like.  After a certain point, you kind of have to trust yourself enough to decide, once and for all, whether you really, truly believe you’re faking a neurological disorder for the attention.  If the answer is no, then great!  You have sussed out your symptoms and can start managing them accordingly, whether that’s some helpful apps on your phone or medication or something in between.  If the answer is yes, then you probably need some therapy, and your therapist will be able to help you get to a point where you feel able to trust yourself.

Go with the neurodivergent gods, my dude.

#adventures in adhd #actually adhd #stimming #hyperfocus #hyperfixation #advice from starlight #HELLO FRIENDS THIS IS UNDER A CUT BECAUSE I RAMBLE #LIKE #CONSTITUTIONALLY UNABLE TO NOT RAMBLE #anyway ch'boy wrote some stuff today #and now i'm answering some asks #so really what i want is a pat on the damn back for getting shit done THANKS #idiot teenagers with a queue #anonymous #asked and answered

[tiny-smallest]

enCOURAGE

Yeah sometimes when I’m hyperfixating on multiple things my brain tries to mash them together. Usually that ends up weird, but sometimes still serviceable. This is one of those times.

So anyway, my version of Henry from Bendy and the Ink Machine talking to Mephy, who belongs (in this capacity) to @raeloganthesonic06fangirl. Where are they? I dunno! How did they meet and what kind of crazy adventure happened for them to become close enough to have this conversation? Search me! When does this happen? Definitely after Flux but otherwise who knows! The old man had Words so I wrote ‘em and that’s about it. I dunno maybe he’s their babysitter sue me I just wanted to get it out so maybe my brain would shut up.

Mephiles wasn’t one who went off to sulk often, but it was a warm night and Dark was distracted by Iblis, so now was as good as time as any. Really, he was due for a good sulk. The last months had been nothing but pure nonsense.

He’d anticipated at least a half hour of alone time, so hearing the old man behind him made his fur puff out and his body force him to his feet.

“Nice night,” he commented, sitting down on the front steps beside the boy. Mephiles twitched his noise, eyebrows drawing together with a little noise.

For a few minutes they sat in silence. Mephiles could almost forget Henry was there. Almost.

“... So... are you going to share what’s eating you?”

Well there went the almost. He drew his shoulders together and went to pull his feet up, but the front step was too small for that position to feel comfortable. With a sound of irritation he set his feet back down on the step below.

“Great start,” Henry added, though his voice had softened. Mephiles turned his head to glare at him.

“What are you gonna do if I decide I don’t want to?”

“I mean... I can’t force you to do anything, and I wouldn’t really want to.” he shrugged. “But fair warning; I am a master at waiting. Lots of practice.”

Boy did he have practice.

“Also, might be a good idea to set a good example for your brothers.”

Mephiles’s frown deepened. “That’s not fair!”

“Oh it’s totally fair.” Henry raised his eyebrows. “You’re the one always telling them to talk about stuff. Not very good for you to not do the same, you know?”

“But-!” He cut himself off with indecipherable grumbling, folding his arms across his chest.

Several minutes later, he looked back to Henry. Well, at least he didn’t seem to find this amusing. “... Fine.”

“Okay, good. So. What’s got you so upset?”

He was back to his arms folded across his chest, head down. “... I’m so tired of being a coward.”

“... Pardon?” He didn’t hear that correctly, right?

“I’m. So. Tired. Of being a coward.” His voice was a pitch higher that time, but still smothered with shame. “Every time! Every time something goes wrong, I lose it!”

“I wouldn’t say that...?”

“I’ve needed the purple Emerald on me just to try to circumvent that! And the second someone realizes I have it that plan goes to pot!” He looked up to fix the old animator with a stare. “I’m always afraid when people need me most!”

“I... you still stick around-” 

“But I still get scared at the worst times! To death! I mean- yeah, I get angry too- when Dire just- tried to take over Dark’s body like that I was furious! I hadn’t been that angry in a long time! But! I was also scared! Especially when he actually- started-”

The world was sliding out of focus.

“Kid... you’re confusing bravery with fearlessness.” Henry interrupted, the world snapping back. “Trust me, those are two totally different things. The latter’s also known as stupidity.”

Sufficiently distracted from his oncoming panic, Mephiles looked at him, mouth slightly open in surprise.

“Fear’s a part of life. It’s natural to be afraid of stuff. It’s why you don’t go doing stupid things; the entire point of that part of your brain-” he tapped the side of his own head “-is to keep you alive.”

“But-”

“No buts, really. To fear is to be a person. Bravery isn’t the absence of fear. It’s the refusal to let bad things happen despite it. And you stayed there.”

“I got destroyed.”

“You did, but what else could you have done?”

“Shadow would’ve found a way,” he muttered, propping his hand up on his chin.

“... Okay, let’s pretend for a minute that he was there, not you. This thing was inside the kid, right?”

“Yes,” he snorted, amused at how casually Henry called Dark a child. As he was every time.

“Okay, so Shadow couldn’t just punch the problem away. Can’t Chaos Spear it. No attacks at all, because anything he might use would just kill the child, not the monster controlling his body. So that leaves... stay, or run away.”

“The camera-”

“Is totally useless if you don’t have it. He didn’t know Dark as well as you did, so Dire would’ve used that moment of taking him by surprise to bat the camera away. Maybe break it. In fact things probably would’ve been a lot worse if you weren’t there because once the camera is broken...”

He didn’t have to finish the sentence. Mephiles stiffened.

“You stayed. You tried. You refused to back down or submit to any of his twisted mind games. There’s a reason Dark calls you brave and anytime something nutty happens, the way you refuse to just let awful stuff happen to the people you love? Makes you braver than plenty of other folks out there. There are those who would’ve left him there and not to get help, either.”

Oh, he did not like the lead that settled in his gut from even the thought of that...

“Your powers are getting stronger. Maybe you’re never going to handle fear all that well, but I don’t think you have to.” He gave him a little smile. “You’ve got everything you need already. If not being quite as scared is something that will come, then... it’ll come. For now just... go be twelve and quit worrying. You’ll get more gray hairs than me, turning that junk over in your mind.”

Maybe he had a point.

“Trust me, I’ve seen a lot, kid.” He ruffled the top of his head. “Believe an old man: It’s not worth it. Go have fun while you’re young. Believe in the people around you when they say nice things about you. You’ll live longer.”

“... Okay.” He stood up, dusted off his front, and smiled. “... Thank you, Henry.”

The human smiled back with a wink. Wow, that family resemblance to his son was so obvious in that face. “You’re welcome, kiddo.”

The front door opened and closed as he went back inside to join the twins and their crazy K’nex contraptions. Henry sighed, standing up and popping his back.

“Ah! I should really stop sitting down on such hard surfaces, yeesh...”

Mephy might be sunshine incarnate but he still throws tantrums several times even after figuring out everything about himself and untangling himself from Dark’s identity and you know what? Sometimes you just gotta let the boy get mad. At least he’s a million times easier to convince to talk than... mostly anyone Henry could’ve been trying to talk to here.

“Oh thank god this is gonna be easier than Bendy. There is a god.” --Henry, probably

#my writing #this is real self indulgent just let me live

[morethannotenough]

...there we were.

Well, I ruined it! Within about 7 months of meeting my goal I have gained every. single. ounce. back. 

Frustrated, disgusted, disappointed, angry... these don’t even begin to explain what I’m feeling. The back pain, the shortness of breath, the fatigue, it’s all back too. What’s killing me is my mind is still obsessed with that goal, but I can’t motivate my body to do anything about it. That’s not to say I’m not trying. Things are just going to be a little more complicated this time, because clearly the whole “well I’ll just not eat for 6 months” approach to weight loss ISN’T WORKING, and I understand why now, which helps, but also means I have to address some gigantic, well-established thought processes. That ish is hard. 

That being said, I do think I’m making a little bit of progress, and I’d like to kind of track it here if I have the willpower to keep writing. I use to write in a journal every day, but I felt like it kept me stewing in my negative emotions too much (because what else would a 16-year-old girl write about except her emotional turmoil?!), so I stopped and have been hesitant to pick up the habit again. Also... I’m an adult with responsibilities now, so spending hours a day pouring my soul out to the internet isn’t really an option anymore. I’ve thought about doing some sort of daily or weekly blog/journal/whatever during this whole process, but like everything else in my life, I put it off. What a great self-deprecating segue!

So the first thing I think I’ve figured out is that I have **undiagnosed** (that’s important, I’m not trying to claim anything here, it just all makes too much sense to not be at least a possibility) ADHD. I remember wondering this in high school. I even remember telling my mom once that I thought I had it. She immediately offered to get me tested, and I refused, thinking there wasn’t really anything they could do to help me. I kinda want to go back and shake that girl now. What I didn’t realize then, and wouldn’t realize until just a few months ago, is that ADHD is SO MUCH MORE than just an inability to pay attention to things and being easily distracted. It messes with your entire life. Your productivity, your executive function (the part of your brain that tells you to start the thing you want to do), your relationships, your time-management skills, your hyperfixations that take over your entire life but only last for a finite period of time, your dopamine reception, all of it. That last one is especially important. If I’m correct, and I do have ADHD, it means that my brain doesn’t produce enough dopamine, so I am constantly looking for more. You know what gives an awesome, instant dopamine boost? Eating carbs and sugar. 

I think I’ve had this for a long time and I subconsciously learned from a young age, both from the midwestern food culture (celebrating? food! grieving? food! stressed? let’s get some food! bored? food!) telling me that any kind of emotion can be improved with food, and my sneaky little ADHD friend compounding the comfort/reward aspects of those food solutions, that food will make me feel good, no matter what else is going on. Throw in the fact that I’ve been slightly overweight my whole life, and while I was not actively bullied persay, I was passively bullied (by myself and others) enough that I was already insecure (it was called “shy” at that time) by the age of about 7. We’ll go into all of that later because it played more of a part than I originally gave it credit for. Anyway, ADHD has a lot of what are called co-morbid disorders, which are basically conditions that are likely to occur with an ADHD diagnosis. These can include depression, anxiety, OCD, oppositional defiant disorder, learning disabilities, executive function disabilities, aaaaand eating disorders, especially binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder (BED) with anorexic and bulimic tendencies is what my current diagnosis is, I think. At least the BED part. What a coincidence.

Now, I’m not trying to say that my current weight is all due to my potentially existing ADHD. I clearly made some choices along the way to get here, but I have spent so many hours and sleepless nights wondering WHY I can’t just ‘eat healthier’ or stick to a diet and lose the weight. Why do I struggle so much with these things that other people are totally capable of? Having an explanation is such a comfort. Knowing that there’s a reason why this process is so hard for me, when it seems so easy for others keeps me from falling into depression and helplessness. Prior to talking with my therapist and my dietitian, I would sit and think about what it would take for me to be a healthier, fitter version of myself. I would picture myself years from now eating salads and veggies while my family ate pizza, like my mom use to do while she was on weight watchers. I would picture just wanting to take a lazy day but I needed to get my 4 mile run in first, and that future looked miserable. But the only way I had ever been successful at losing weight was by literally starving myself and pushing my body to the extreme with exercise, so clearly that was the only way to do it. I’m learning that this all or nothing thinking is deeply flawed, and honestly a big part of the reason I’ve been so unsuccessful in the past. Restriction (especially extreme restriction) is not sustainable, and studies have shown that it actually causes people to gain more weight back than they originally lost. Because diet culture is a huge money maker and they need a way to have repeat customers. Once you fall into the binge/restrict cycle, it is very difficult to get back out. That’s where I am now. 

Even though I want this thing so bad, and I have a path that’s going to be easier this time, I’m having trouble actually making the small changes I need to start with, because my body literally does not trust me anymore. Every time I eat a food I like, I have to eat as much as I possibly can, just in case this is the last time I’ll let myself have it for months. If I make a small change, eat a healthy snack, do a quick workout before work in the morning--the little voice in my head says, good, we’ve started, now don’t eat anything else the rest of the day so we can keep up our progress, and more often than not I listen. Moderation is not always easy when you’ve lived in these extremes your entire life. 

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think there are a lot of people who can identify with these same struggles, even if they haven’t recognized these issues in themselves yet. So I’ve decided to try to chronical this journey to healthier thought patterns, and see where that takes me physically. You always hear the stories of the successful people after they’ve been successful. Let’s get through the gritty part together. I’ve been in therapy about weight loss for almost 2 years now, and I’ve made some major shifts in my thought processes already, I still have a lot to do. If I can help even one other person escape this cycle, it will be worth it. 

I’m going to end today with an assignment my dietitian gave me, which is finding other reasons to fix my relationship with food other than weight loss. Some of these still have to do with losing weight, but don’t focus on a number on the scale. Hopefully I can check these off and more over the coming years!

1. I miss riding horses, but I don’t feel like I can fairly do it right now at the weight I am. 

2. On that same thread, there are a lot of activities I’d like to try that look like a lot of fun, but my weight holds me back both physically (weight limits) and mentally (fear of judging, looking stupid, failing and deciding it’s because of my size, associating a severely negative emotion with the activity and giving up interest in it before giving it a fair shot, etc.) Some of those things include, aerial silks, pole dancing (not stripping, but like, the exercise classes), kayaking, rock wall climbing, dancing, and a bunch more that I’ll think of later. I love doing outdoor activities, but I don’t because my weight makes me so uncomfortable. 

3. Losing the stress of going to an unfamiliar restaurant, and the judgement around ordering the same, bland thing every time. I have been chastised for being a picky eater my entire life, so I have a lot of stress around choosing foods in front of other people. This is also something that formed, unknowingly to me, at a young age. It results in an almost panic-like state of mind if the trip is sprung on me and I don’t have time to prepare (like the time I started my new job and another employee was assigned to take me to lunch, and almost chose a sushi restaurant before we realized we wouldn’t have time to get there and back. I don’t do sushi, I had no idea what to order, and I barely paid attention to the rest of my orientation that morning because I was panicking about lunch.), or, if I know it’s coming, I will binge on something I do like and that I know will keep me full before I go. Then I can order a small side salad or something, tell the person I’m with that I’m “just not that hungry today” and not have to worry about my stomach growls giving me away. This also spills over into places that I really like to go to. If I know we’re going to Old Chicago, for example, and I can easily put away one of their individual pizzas in one sitting, but I’m scared the people I’m with will judge me for that, I’ll binge before I go there too, so I can eat half of it, ask for a box, and finish the rest on the way home or later that night. It’s not healthy, and I didn’t even consciously realize I was doing it until a few months ago. 

4. Having a truly open mind about trying new things. I hate being so picky. Hate it. But textures and certain flavors activate my gag reflex and I cannot eat them. There are some foods that are ‘okay’, or “I’ll eat it, but I probably wouldn’t make it for myself.” but for the most part it’s I LOVE THIS SO MUCH (read: anything made of bread and cheese), or I HATE THIS SO MUCH I CANT EVEN SWALLOW IT. Because of those extremes, I don’t try a lot of new foods, because history shows I don’t like most things. When I do, I try to have an open mind, or try to look and sound like I have an open mind, but I’m already prepared to spit it out before I even take the fist bite. I want to more more foods into my “its okay” range, and maybe eventually form a “hey, this is pretty good” range. I want to be able to go to my boyfriend’s parents’ house and eat what his dad cooks (he’s always trying new recipes with a lot of different foods and spices. He takes great pride in his cooking, which he should, and I feel like I constantly offend him with my 6-year-old tastebuds. I avoid going over there if I know there’s going to be food because I’m so stressed about not hurting his feelings. 

5. I want to be able to have options about where to buy my clothes. Right now I’m limited to a few things at Walmart (which are sometimes super cute, but are usually very not cute), and Torrid which is always cute but sooooo expensive. I’d love to see a cute shirt in a store window or even online and think, hey, I should try that on! Instead of, “well that will never fit me.” 

6. I want to want vegetables. I want to be able to choose foods based on how they make my body feel instead of the taste. I want to crave a lunch that gives me energy to get through the rest of my day, instead of something that tastes delicious (hello giant bowl of ravioli), but leaves me in a carb crash and not wanting to do anything the rest of the day. I want to see my food as fuel.

7. I want to not feel so guilty about eating the things I do like! It isn’t so bad when I’m by myself (hence my continued secret eating), but even if I’ve been good (or put up a facade of being good) all week, if I’m the one who asks to order pizza or make pasta for dinner, I feel heavily judged. I do it to myself a bit as well, but especially if there are others, and especially if they know I’m trying to lose weight. 

8. I want to have kids one day (part 1). My doctor told me at my last appointment that she wants to see me get to around 200 lbs to give me the best shot at a healthy pregnancy. That’s not unreasonable, and I think she’s right. I’m in my 30s and my window to have kids will close sooner rather than later, so I want to get my body to a place where I can confidently make that choice when I’m ready.

9. I Want to have kids one day (part 2). I want to teach my kids to enjoy healthy foods so they don’t have to go through this same struggle. How am I suppose to expect them to try vegetables and healthier foods if I wont?

10. I want my life to stop being about food and weight all the time. It literally never leaves my mind. I want to be able to stop obsessing about it and just live and know that I can trust my body to make the right choices and maintain my optimum lifestyle without stressing and obsessing over food every single day.

I think that’s a start. I want to start diving into this more and doing more frequent entries so these aren’t all 10 pages long. I don’t have a great track record with that, but I want to try. I want to be able to look back on the work I put in while I celebrate reaching those 10 goals I just listed. I want to help other people reach their goals too without having to go through the mental anguish I’ve been experiencing for the last 20-something years. 

One day at a time, one meal at a time. I’ve got help, I’ve got goals, I’ve got time and ability. I’ve just got to do it.

[writingithink]

I’ve been seeing writer updates on my dash the past couple of days and I never remember to do them myself, but you know what why not?

So; I finally have enough money to fix my laptop but I can’t go out and do that until after the stay at home orders and such. But still, that’s good news. My laptop has this lovely program called Scrivener and my desktop does not. Why not both, you ask? My laptop is a MacBook Pro and my desktop is a PC. It is not a good PC. It is a cheap PC. I may be able to code, but I am not a wizard that can partition hard drives and run multiple operating systems. I do not trust myself enough to follow internet tutorials for it.

So in that vein, The Shift (working title of a big plot-y Lucifer fic I had started a while back) hasn’t been worked on since last fall when my laptop stopped working. Because that is a Scrivener document, and even though I did back it up onto an external hard drive I cannot open it. I cannot even look at my external hard drive on my PC because it is formatted to be used on Macs only. So, apologies.

In OTHER NEWS I have time travelled and am back into RTD era Doctor Who shipping the Doctor and Rose Tyler like crazy. This happens sometimes. So I have a number of WIP Doctor Who fics. It is hard for me to work on them because it is hard for me to work at my desktop. Being confined to one place and uncomfortable chair does not vibe with my writing process.

What’s going to happen once I have my laptop fixed? I’ll keep going on fics for the fandom I am currently hyperfixating on. That’s how it works, usually. The Shift will get opened and looked at, though. I haven’t seen it in so long. Seeing it will likely motivate me to rewatch Lucifer in its entirety, and so I will probably start working on it in the summer. I always had big dreams of starting to post it in October anyway. It has a vibe.

When do I think I’ll post anything new? Not sure. My main DW WIP is a long one and the most self-indulgent piece of FanFiction I have ever outlined and started work on. I’m loving it. But since I’ve had so many issues with losing outline stuff and blah blah with fics I was working on in the past, I’m not going to start posting it until it had a completely finished first draft. Who knows how long THAT will take? Other WIPs are shorter one shots. Most of my writing energy has been going toward the big one, though, and I keep starting more WIPs because I have many random ideas.

So, there you have it. I’m writing. Stuff is being made. There’s no time table. I’m always open for prompts. There’s no time table for those either, but they often have a way of jump starting my brain. My favorite fic I’ve ever done was because of a prompt that wouldn’t leave my brain.

I think that’s about it. And you probably weren’t wondering, but I’m telling you anyway, I’ve typed this all up on mobile. Because I hate my desktop.

#in case you were curious #writing update #fandom: lucifer #fandom: doctor who #fic: the shift