#Future ADHD (Facebook) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

briarrolfe · 6 months

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Recently, I was sent a job listing. It called for a graphic designer "to produce direct response static & video ads for various social media channels, such as Facebook, TikTok, Snapchat, and YouTube." So, even though it was asking for a graphic designer, it wasn't a graphic design job—it was an advertising/social media/videography job. The career I've dedicated eight years of my life to is the bit the ad referred to as 'static'.

Ever since, I've been thinking about this idea that video is the future, and also I have been (not coincidentally) extremely depressed. Not to be all "you kids and your phones," but...

In advertising, your consumer's attention is money. Video is THE most attention-demanding form of advertising and therefore the most bang for your buck. It's why Facebook fudged their own stats for the effectiveness of pivoting to video so aggressively in the first place. If your consumer is reading something—a magazine, a poster, a book, something on their phone—then they're still listening, and if something else demands their attention, they'll just look up. If they're listening—to somebody talking, to music, to a podcast—then their eyes and hands are free to do whatever they like. They can look at the world around them, which involves many forms of competing visual advertising.

Video is a media form that doesn't stop. It keeps talking when your consumer looks up, and then keeps moving to grab their visual attention again. The best method for advertising is one that a consumer has to exert energy to not pay attention to.

(—This is why I hate video so much as somebody with ADHD. When my dopamine and blood sugar are low, focusing past someone playing TikTok audio is hard enough for me that it hurts. I've never had the same problem with radio or with like... idk, billboards. And TV is kind of bad, but at least it makes predictable sounds, whereas every person who films a TikTok with sudden screams or yelling in it is, in my opinion, going to hell.)

This is why the UI for platforms like TikTok and Instagram have autoplay, algorithms that disappear things you've seen so quickly, no scrub bars, and don't have skip or pause buttons. Your consumer has to keep their phone in hand to keep swiping or scrolling to properly engage. If that consumer can't stop a video or go back, then the platform can train them not to look up until the video is over. Anxiety that a user will lose their place or not be able to keep up with what is happening is part of what keeps them from looking away.

This is also a reason to be suspicious of why so many tech companies are obsessed with VR in general. A phone that people have to hold and look at and listen to is pretty good, right? But they can ultimately still put it down when an ad plays. It would be way better if we could put the advertising somewhere that tracks and follows their eye movements so that they literally can't look away.

We all know that text is still a better, faster, and more information-dense delivery system. Sometimes I see people mourning the pivot to video because it's a worse way to consume information. They're right! It is! But social media platforms have NO INTEREST in providing their users with like, actual reliable information. If they did, then social media companies would have no interest in AI.

(—This is also why they have no interest in fighting misinformation on their services. People who get radicalised are very engaged platform users. And the people who radicalise them come with massive budgets for ad spend.)

All social media platforms want is to get consumers hooked on their content so that they'll continue to deliver ad revenue. Video is the best way of achieving that. That's why we're all pivoting to algorithms and video. That's why Tumblr Live exists and Snapchat miraculously has not died.

Anyway. I chose to become a graphic designer.

#graphic design #DON'T pivot to video. Just never do it.#source: I have worked in communications for five years #remind me to post about how Facebook farms what my old comms team called 'rage clicks' sometime #writing essays on tumblr dot com

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bigmammallama5 · 20 days

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mammallama if you have energy how did you find your adhd dr? I know I could use one but I'm trying to fight the inertia of getting a dr because of all the experiences of previous medical professionals not listening to me. thank you for reading!

Hey, I've got a little energy! You get my one level seven spell slot for the day lol

I am very fortunate that I have a primary care doctor that takes my concerns seriously and pointed me in the direction of my current specialist. I also have two very wonderful best friends with ADHD who gently slid my wig back and told me "go get tested, you sound like me". I recognize not everyone is lucky to have doctors that listen to them so this answer will be based off of my limited experience and local healthcare in my state in America, so please keep these as general suggestions! And I know it's hard to advocate for your own health, trust me I get it lol, but please stick with it. It's worth it to get the answers at the very least so you can start adjusting.

So if you have a PCP try asking them for places that are in your insurance network that could help you get tested/write you a referral letter if needed. I would suggest first looking for a behavioral therapist that specializes in diagnosing ADHD (like mine does) and treatment. I can't get actual cognitive behavioral therapy from them but they help me keep track of my ADHD and navigate my medication stuff. The extra special thing about my doctor is she was also diagnosed as an adult, so she truly understands to a certain degree of what I'm dealing with. Looking at her during my first visit was like looking into the future of the person I can be with the right help. Having a doctor that has what you have is incredibly valuable.

If you can't find a specialist, I would suggest looking for a psychiatrist that specializes in diagnosing and treating ADHD. You can also get diagnosed by a psychologist but I don't think they can actually prescribe medications? But either of those professionals will be able to test and diagnose you!

If you have trouble networking, my therapist suggested looking on Facebook (I know I know) for local/state groups that can help you connect with doctors in your area. You'd be surprised at how ready people are to help others find the care providers they need! You may not even have to ask, there may be a list of medical professionals that you can look over.

I will warn you that depending on where you go it's going to probably cost a fair amount. Even with my therapist's office taking my insurance my testing was still over 400 bucks, but in the end it was worth it for me. I will also warn you that some testing can be quite lengthy from what I hear, taking multiple sessions depending on the professional you're seeing. My testing and diagnoses took a little less than three hours and that's why I'd suggest looking for an ADHD behavioral therapist first. They know exactly what they're looking for and know you're there specifically for that test.

Another tip I can give you is frame your reason for testing as simply needing answers to improve your quality of life. Have that in writing. Don't even mention medication other than "I would explore that if you deem it a viable option for treatment." Getting medication right now is difficult if not downright impossible for some of us, so I would frame your needs on getting yourself picked up and put together. That's really what you need first anyways. Answers.

Be warned ADHD may also come with a side of fries (other general disabilities like OCD/OCD tendencies, anxiety, depression, ect ect that are often the result of untreated ADHD).

ADHD is legally considered a developmental disability and protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Know your rights!

In the meantime I always suggest taking a look through https://www.additudemag.com/ for information about symptoms and research and all that stuff. This is a trusted source that my therapist's office shares with all of their patients! The articles are kept up to date as new research is made available and is laid out in such a way that it's easy for people with ADHD to read and navigate. It's also a great source for parents that have kiddos with ADHD, so pass that around if you know someone who's struggling!

I do hope that your past experiences with poor doctors won't keep you from seeking testing. I can promise you not all of them are like that, and I hope you can find someone who will listen to you and take your concerns seriously!

#ask me stuff!#adhd #long post #but yeah i promise not all drs are Like That #i have drs and surgeons in my family and while i am gonna have to kick the snot out of my younger brother for some shit im seeing budding #my older family members are very good and listen to their patients #theyre out there i promise #pointing out this is a US based perspective #so if you are not in the US i would go through the health care channels that are the equivalent of your care network!

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thevagabondexpress · 6 months

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neurodivergent pastors. give me the goss on what that's like. like i have my suspicions, always have, but your parent...? i just need to feel the Vibe Of Pastor And All Things Related and your family fascinates me

Ooooh okay. Here's where I wish I could just pull up a couple videos of some of my mother's sermons, but a) I don't know how she'd feel about that, and b) I don't know where I'd find one. But I just know you've love the way she just sees things from a wholly different angle than most preachers I've heard. She has one where the tells the story of Jesus and the woman at the well . . . from the perspective of the woman at the well, and it's the story of a woman who's had a rough time of it and she's having a bad day and now she's got this unnerving stranger who knows entirely too much about her and she brings a whole extra layer of sensitivity into this woman's story. Or when she turns the story of the Iraelites' wandering in the wilderness after Egypt into a story of de-incarceration, and decolonialization: training these people out of the mindset that now that they've been freed, they've begun to think like masters. And what's amazing is she's not looking at it from an autistic or adhd perspective and yet she sees things so much the same way I would.

With both of my parents it's just a lot of . . . surprising sensitivity to not just the way that things need to move in order to create a better future but also how to translate those thoughts into something accessible, whether that's a long-running facebook blog or a sermon about baseball.

And the number of sermons about baseball that I have heard . . .

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rubyleaf · 9 months

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Went through my blog again for the funsies and discovered an old, old tag game from 2016. And boy, am I shaking my head at it. Not only is 17-year-old me hilariously and stubbornly convinced she's straight, she's also very self-deprecating and generally not in a good place.

So I thought: why not answer these questions again, over seven years later, just to see how things have changed?

So here goes. The update.

MOST RECENT:

Drink: Water! I have a glass next to me right now and I'm staying nice and hydrated :) Phone call: Mom, earlier this afternoon, to make sure I'm still healthy and haven't died from acute Moved Out And Living Unsupervised Disease. Shockingly, I'm alive and well. Text: Dad, joking about the Berlin lioness boar thing. I still refuse to believe it was a boar BTW. I don't know what it was, but those pictures do NOT look like a boar.

Song you listened to: Saosin – "You're Not Alone" Time you cried: You know, I genuinely don't remember. Might've been weeks ago. I barely cry anymore these days, except from laughter or the occasional tearing up over a heartwarming scene in a show.

Dated someone twice: No, and unless the circumstances were very special, I wouldn't. If the ship has sailed, it has sailed for a reason. Been cheated on: Single, thriving, in my lane, cannot be cheated on if I don't have a partner. Peace and love on Planet Earth. Lost someone special: Lost touch with many friends over the years. Staying in touch is still hard. But honestly, some of them turned out to not be that special after all in the first place and a lot have stayed too, so really, it's fine. Been depressed: Nah. Been drunk and thrown up: Still don't like alcohol, still don't drink ✌️ Your three favourite colours: Purple! And pink, and the third one…maybe red!

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: So many. So so many. Fallen out of love: Yep! Laughed until you cried: Just this week alone! Met someone who changed you: I think so! Found out who your true friends are: Yes. And to the people who turned out not to be—thanks for making it easier to watch you leave right now. Found out someone’s talking about you: In the "bringing up my existence" way? Yes. Badly? No—someone probably did, but not my problem.

EXTRAS

How many people from your fb list do you know irl: What Facebook? Do you have any pets: Not at the moment. Hard to keep any in a dorm room. I'd like to maybe get a small dog someday though! Do you want to change your name: Not anymore. When I was little I used to hate my name because everyone kept misspelling or mispronouncing it, but now I like it even if people still get it wrong all the time. Sometimes it still feels weird and othering, in an irrational sort of way, but I can't imagine myself being called anything else. What did you do for your last birthday: Had drinks with some people from my orientation group in one guy's dorm apartment. Casually came out as bi over a game of Never Have I Ever. Wound up at a party even though I had an 8:30 AM class the next morning. Zero regrets. What were you doing last night at midnight? Sitting on my bed and hitting play on the brand-new Meet Me @ the Altar song that dropped last night!!! Name something you can’t wait for: MM@TA EU tour in October! I've been obsessed with them for two years and finally they come here to play some shows and the first time I saw the announcement I legit busted a lip in my excitement. Unfortunately not a hyperbole.

Last time you saw your mum: Last time I visited home—early May I think? What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Better executive functions so I struggle less with getting stuff done, especially uni stuff and household chores. Currently trying to do something about that, actually! If I'm really lucky I might get an ADHD diagnosis in the foreseeable future and maybe meds…? What are you listening to rn: Fall Out Boy – "We Didn't Start the Fire" Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Often. It's quite a common name where I live! What’s getting on your nerves rn: One word: THESIS. Which I for some reason struggle to do anything about. Blood type: Still unknown! Nickname: Several shorter forms of my civilian name. On here, Ruby. Zodiac Sign: Aquarius Pronouns: she/her Favourite tv show: At the moment: ATLA (and Legend of Korra), Ted Lasso, Good Omens. Probably more I'm forgetting. High school: Graduated in 2016! College: In my Masters! I have an undergraduate degree in law now :D Long or short hair: Long, down to my hips. I used to have short hair as a kid, but I’ve always wanted long hair. Height: 159 cm or 5′2.5′’. Do you have a crush on someone: I try to tell myself that no, I'm just very fond of the person. Platonically. What do you like about yourself: I'm creative and adaptable! I'm good at winging it when the situation requires it, and I usually get things figured out one way or another. I'm a hype woman for my friends, and I like the way I can find joy and excitement in all corners of life. Also, not to toot my own horn but I'm really proud of my style right now! Right or left handed: Right-handed. First surgery: None. Piercing: None. First best friend: Probably Rebecca, in first grade. It’s a shame I moved away, I wonder what she’s doing now. First sport you joined: Ballet, when I was five or six. Kept doing it until early fifth grade, then changed to horseback riding. First vacation: Probably to my grandparents’ vacation home somewhere at the North Sea. Don’t remember a thing though, I was one or something.

RIGHT NOW:

Eating: Nothing. Drinking: Water, still! I’m about to: Hopefully write a bit more for the mystery project 👀 Listening to: Meet Me @ the Altar – "Give It Up"

WANT:

Kids: Yes, eventually. I'd like a stable partner first (although if push comes to shove I wouldn't mind raising my kids solo), and most importantly I'd like to be my own person for a couple of years and not be bound by duty to everyone else. Travel, explore the world and myself, get all that out of my system so I can truly go into motherhood with no regrets. Get married: Yes, if I find the right person to do it with. Career: Study law and work for the EU or an NGO.

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes: Eyes. I don't pay much attention to lips outside of someone having a cute smile! Hugs or kisses: Kisses are nice, but I still prefer hugs! Taller or shorter: IDGAF. I still love my tall lanky noodle men, but I'm not picky. With women, even less so. Girl is taller than me? Awesome, great for being held. Shorter than me? CUTE. Older or younger: Around my age, rest doesn't matter. I'm at an age where anything between 20-30 is fair game, but any younger or older and it gets creepy. Romantic or spontaneous: A mixture of both. Nice stomach or nice arms: If the person is nice, their body will be nice too. It's an automatic process. I don't make the rules. Sensitive or loud: A combination of both! Troublemaker or hesitant: Secret third thing where they're chaotic but also too shy to really make a move.

HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: Does "someone I talked to all evening but didn't know before that and didn't meet again afterwards" count? Drank liquor: Tried a bit, same as everybody. Found it nasty. Didn't try again. Lost glasses/contacts: Don't have any to lose. (Given the way I've been treating my eyes: yet?) Had sex on the first date: I'm asexual and I refuse. Broke someone’s heart: Yes, and let's leave it at that. Turned someone down: I'm a woman existing in public. Having to turn down random men is a recurring part of my experience. Cried when someone died: Not really—I seem to shut down and go blank more than anything else. I used to feel guilty about it, but now I've learned that everyone processes grief and loss differently and it doesn't mean I care less. Fallen for a friend: Yes, repeatedly, it has yet to end well, and it will probably happen again.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Yourself: Mostly yes. There are some things I need help with before I can unlock my full potential, but one thing I've learned is that I always manage in the end. And once I get proper help, I have no doubt I'll be just fine. Miracles: I don't like to rely on them, but I do believe that unlikely good things can and do happen. Love at first sight: Not for myself, I need to get to know a person before I fall for them. I do believe in attraction at first sight though. Heaven: It's a nice thought, but whether or not it exists doesn't matter to me. Our task in life is the same regardless: try to be kind and treat others well and hopefully leave the world a slightly better place. Santa Claus: No, and never really have. My parents never claimed he was real; my Christmas presents always came from the family that visited on Christmas Eve. Kissing on a first date: Did it once, it was okay. I think it's one of those "take it or leave it" things—if the chemistry is right, sure, go for it, but it's definitely not for everyone in every situation.

#warning: VERY long post behind the cut #but also: healing! improvement! look at her; she's okay now!#(mostly—getting there)#personal #I'm just sayin'

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captainkurosolaire · 2 years

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Was quite captivated by your words. Pulled this quote to be reminded that our creations live with us and beyond us. —- :O! This is incredible and so sweet I was momentarily wordless. Very talented to see it given creation and amazing art even. But it does still ring true, it’s a unfathomable endless sea to admire and cultivate. I really do think exploring creativity and wherever passion is/may be concerned, is our real power, it’s the closest thing I know that not only we can give others, what we can bring to life or destroy, we’re the most limitless in the grasp of transforming what’s upon our distinct minds.

=Personal Story Time= If used correctly, it’s a real throne and kingdom that should be proud of that banner we bring. I live for that sight, that moment, to hear and not only bring it to be drawn by it! The more I’ve come to also take that in, I see everything is a story and life channels it into me and I am always compelled to write or do something because of it. Even my most darkest days and creative writing stuff I went through recently, I’ve put that even back on bring out in late night story que’s for the future, all my inexperience, all my flaws. Because all that is apart of me. I can’t ret-con myself either. …And because I treat myself like that and take everything in, I’ve become someone incredibly more whole. There’s a confidence now that stirs in my chest that tells me I absolutely, can achieve anything. That entire explosive energy in me, that’s compelled me to try channeling it outwardly too. Cause if I can feel like that, I know everyone else can cause they’re/you’re my betters. Should that not be what’s felt, well then I’ll make sure while I’m thriving and living to give everything my all until patiently that day comes. Moment’s can push you beyond things never thought possible. I was in a three-day coma, doubted I could even survive after I aspirated into my lungs, a botched surgery gone array. Had my colon removed for a year and then reversed back into me to try attempt to do a procedure that would give my colon its necessary functions again. Happened suddenly and the midst of Christmas even, I remember deliriously all the strong pain-killers that are so powerful they create life-like hallucinations, the aroma, the smell, everything I could hear/see witness, I was on such high stuff, I still even had dreams and with those they were formed from the realities of my memories, my experiences. When you have something like that flash upon your life, there is a message potentially hidden in all that. I would say before that I was more introverted then 99% of the people here. I never spoke barely anyone, I was quite to myself outside the very limited people and even those who were closest never really I expressed myself cause I used to be embarrassed of how nerdy, or everything I was still. I enjoyed many interests and things that I never knew would click, I lacked it all. My answer came, in writing. My canvas, the place where I found my own freedom. Because upon something like this, it’s natural for me, this is like having my feet buried in the soil’s of awaiting beach sands, I’m the most comfort in this element and environment. Nothing beats me here, ADHD to the point I needed special-care and education, mild case of autistic, depression, anything mentally that could attack me, I could defeat here. Lay it all out, become myself. I made my autobiography at 16, barely a life yet to make a story about, but you’d be surprised it had much writing, all the future written on that page! I started writing commissions when I was 18 for people on dating apps and Facebook even. I began making my own RPG elements, character sheets, I went for anything too starry or ahead of myself, when I got my second-chance, I took it!

And it let me even though I wasn’t able to attend my high school at that time, I was able to show people myself in writing and I overcame it, I became more confident and never again did I look back. I only decided to further venture into it. Because when I woke up from that whole health, stuck in a hospital a month in my own weakness and fragility, one of my closest friends passed and that tore my world’s existence apart – because, I didn’t get to show him that side of me, the one who meant everything. Never again.

I became someone who challenge and became his worst critic, every writer has one! I’m the worst, no one can out-perform me in being toxic or against me. No one is against me like myself, no one wants me to fail like some of the noggin voices in my head. But with every voice telling me to quit, give-up, I push myself and look back at the aftermath what I created the people, I spite and made because I fight! I create! I build! I go for more, no matter how big. I am drawn back to write again and again! Until I can’t no longer. For the longest time I felt there was nowhere I belonged because how vastly different I was with this passion so strongly pumping in me. But then I found this place on Tumblr and learned blogs, I found the right RP community, I found entire acceptance and everything a whole civilization, more then a few people. It made everything become even more encouraging. Now I’m even better than that long-time ago, I haven’t forgotten those moments, they carry and make-me, but now I’m even more tenaciously passionate. And many people have struck me down, targeted how deeply I was into writing, my passions, they succeeded, beat me down, made me overthink, they aided against my worst. But their shadows, they didn’t make sure the job was done, it made errors. The darker things become, the more space it consumes. Only takes ONE tiny star and if it glimmers a shine and when it does, it will bring a light that will carries a solar system. Within here; for every voice that used to exist that was spewing against me to damage me down, there’s now with one voice of someone, who’s been inspired, praised, seen or gone to a journey and trip around this tenure. They’ve echoed billions of sounds more impactful and I resonate with it, I create off it, and it’s going to eventually show how far I can take it, grow and nurture off this. I have no limits, I’m a writer, a creator inspired by the eldest of stone.

I can lose many things, but the one thing I will never let myself be taken away from is my moments of symphony, that are my choir of newfound life.

#asks answered #Thanks for your art gives life as evident #Figured the chest pumping gif I made works in this situation #First we had nip physics now we've unlocked the next level #Teaser #But we're gonna create only the most important things *nods*#Breathe. Live. In These Moments!

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adhdthegame · 1 year

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Okay...

At least once a week? Maybe not...or maybe now. I dunno, we'll see.

Anyway, since posting my intro video I've reached out to folks in the ADHD and indie gamedev community. I wanted to see what other ADHD brains would like to see in a game like this and from the game dev community, asking about design ideas.

I made a survey (which you can fill out, too, if you're so inclined - I'd be happy for the feedback!) and posted on Twitter, Facebook, and a couple Discord servers.

And the feedback has been great! Some of it coming from folks I'm acquainted with, some from total strangers; regardless, it's great to see folks who show interest in the project and want to contribute to its success!

I'm keeping track of everyone who contributes - through this survey and any other channels of support in the future - to be sure to thank them appropriately and acknowledge their contributions.

WHAT KIND OF GAME SHOULD IT BE?

So, the majority is currently favoring a first-person walking simulator, akin to Firewatch, Dear Esther, Gone Home and the like.

I'm digging this, because that's how I've envisioned it for a while now!

This kind of game will help with gameplay immersion.

OBJECTIVE VS NARRATIVE

So this is...kind of a trick question. Well, not really...I don't know. I asked if people think it should be objective or narrative-based. The majority prefer objective-based, this meaning an emphasis on accomplishing objectives.

This kind of thing can near about be a 1-to-1 translation as accomplishing objectives - or day-to-day tasks - is a often a significant challenge for ADHD brains.

In a video game, the narrative is pretty much driven by an objective to accomplish. Whether it's to move to the right and reach the flag before the timer runs out while stomping sentient mushrooms and consuming super ones to inherit their super qualities, or to investigate an empty house to discover what's become of the residents, without a motivation or a goal, the player is left with...nothing to do, really.

So while they are inextricably linked, putting the focus on objectives help me in designing the game.

THE SETTING

My original plan was to set it in a sci-fi/fantasy world, and turns out the majority of respondents are down with that! The others are evenly divided, and I love that.

Another bit of feedback that's stuck out in the comment sections is people recommending going along with some familiar ideas, but to also deviate somehow, making it unique. So...that's going to be interesting. :)

----------------------------------------------

One more thing that's meaningful to me is one of the respondents commented on how they have a child with ADHD, but they're not making it public knowledge precisely because of the reason I want to make this game - they're afraid of the reaction, backlash, and assumptions made about their child if it were to be openly known.

My heart aches for this person. I identify with it, not only because of my experience of growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, but because I , too, have a child who most likely has ADHD due to genetics.

So that's where we're at.

I'll make sure to have another update right soon!

#adhd #adhd inattentive #adult adhd #indiedev #indiegamedev

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seeminglyseph · 2 years

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for all future reference I am in a like blazing but pleasant state of stoned and that does mean I end up babbling a lot about possibly nothing based on whatever catches my interest because it’s my life man. I’m watching the conspiracy theory iceberg and pondering whether anything labelled ‘music to get stoned to’ would be like half blocked by content censors. also contemplating how to rework the facebook and instagram accounts I have for keeping touch with family so that I can try to make more of an effort to contact my family. It was really nice being able to talk openly about like... my mental health problems, at least partially and still like. have their respect and understanding. I feel a little like saying I was diagnosed with ADHD this year (not really but sh) and like explaining what starting medication felt like, which like flowed naturally into a conversation about how overstimulating life can be without even noticing it, it re contextualized me? Like I went from ‘really awkward and uninterested’ to ‘not entirely sure how to engage’ and my cousin and his wife shifted so easily into ‘okay we’re on the same level but speaking the wrong language’ like we didn’t even really have much of a problem before but it made things feel like... honestly reflecting on it, there was always my dad’s hand on my shoulder if I was doing something that damaged.... like... the image he wanted of our family in his family’s eyes, and without that I feel less like I’m trying to impress them and more like I’m trying to bond? I didn’t realise how competitive my dad was with his brother, and how much I like... internalized his need to put forth a respectable face to his family. My uncle was really distant, though I was a bit focused on myself at the time and I think he was doing the same. The loss of my dad and Neil so close together really shook us all up, but I’m starting to feel kind of optimistic now.... like I guess maybe I hit acceptance and while it’s not happiness it’s like. I have adapted to a world where they are not here. and... I really really regret I did not get to greet Neil as I am, I would like to think he would approve. I remember being like me in my teens, him in his twenties, like a ten year gap almost between us. His dad did nothing but give him shit for like a couple hours before dinner and he went out on the balcony for a smoke break sorta thing, and I went out with him. And we didn’t talk about what was going on. We talked about his music, and his band’s album cover, and I tried to sound like a smart artist person praising the like contrasts and ideas. and. I think that was the biggest moment I had where I just felt like.... “Our dads suck. Our dads hurt so much. I hate being the black sheep.” and maybe it didn’t mean anything to him, I don’t get to ask him now, but like. When he died I felt like... shortly after he died covid started. and I felt like. I hate... dressing and representing myself as someone else to try and gain approval. I don’t want to be womanly or feminine at all. I refuse. and it really led me down this pat of self discovery and like..... he was the rebel and he ran with the torch and I wanted to take up the torch too. I really wish I could express to him my gratitude for helping me survive, and find pieces of myself that I want to be. but I want to hold onto the family I have left now. and meeting with them again really helped open my eyes to the fact that it is actually safe to be vulnerable with them.

I didn’t expect to go there but I think that was a very cathartic journey of self discovery through rambling. wild. I think yesterday was a big step for me.... last year I had a complete breakdown over the fact it was Father’s Day. And now I feel like I have a family that actually means it when they offer comfort or company. so I gotta figure my head out enough to reach out. I like that.

#my life #grief cw

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my-autism-adhd-blog · 3 months

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ADHD Guide: Music vs. Silence

Future ADHD

#adhd #adhd post #adhd things #adhd struggles #adhd & music #adhd & silence #overstimulation #understimulation #adhd & sound #neurodivergence #neurodiversity #actually neurodivergent #feel free to share/reblog #Future ADHD (facebook)

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ellaswindley · 11 days

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Meta-Post - Creating a Plan for this Blog

I've officially posted my first blog post, as well as a secondary post marking the start of my 'Developing as an Illustrator' series of posts.

As outlined in my very first post, I am under a bit of a deadline due to outside factors. So I think that the only way to ensure that I do everything I want to for this blog--in time to hand it all in--is to create a cohesive plan of what I want to post.

Luckily for me, most of my 'Developing as an Illustrator' works have been complete for a while, so I can easily organise them into a chronological list:

Littlest Pet Shop

My Little Pony

Bojack Horseman

Pokemon

Monster High 1

Bratz

Monster High cont.

For each of these posts, I will describe how I accurately recreated the media's art style, and what techniques I learnt from doing so.

I also intend to post about how I learnt to promote my art to an audience in order to advertise my commission availability. This topic will span five posts, which are briefly summarised here:

Opening myself to commissions in Facebook Groups, and making sure I get paid

Cross-promotion on Instagram

Self-advertising on Instagram by creating free artwork for large accounts

Entering collaborations to promote my account to more followers

Creating a commissions sheet, and ensuring that my pricing is correct

Whilst I am posting about all of this, I will also have posts regarding the tags 'Developing as a Graphic Designer' and 'Creating Yuu'. For the former, I would like to compile some of the things that have inspired me this year, and perhaps include studies of them.

For 'Creating Yuu', I will be documenting my progress on my Commercial Realisation (REAL300). This will include high-level research.

All in all, I expect to make >15 posts. With the time that I have left, I will need to put aside at least three full working days to get this all done, which will account for time spent: Writing, gathering screenshots and researching. This time will be spread across a couple of weeks, so that I have the time to get my REAL300 project to where I want it to be before hand-in on the 10th.

I am currently unemployed, but I know for myself that I am terrible at time management (hence the situation that I am in). To make sure that I am doing what I need to do, I will be taking Mondays and Tuesdays as my breaks, and setting aside 6 solid hours on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday to complete all of my work. Saturdays and Sundays are usually intended for my commissions, but I am purposely pausing this so that I can give those days to this all too.

So, I know what I have to do. I am setting myself a reminder in my phone for next Friday, where I will review my progress on both this blog and my app, and check that I am on-track. If I have not completed 1/3rd of my intended posts (so 5 or more) by then, I will need to be much more disciplined with myself.

To give myself a better chance, I have looked into the best time management techniques for people like me (those with ADHD). According to Ari Tuckman, Psy.D., MBA (2023): "For many adults with ADHD, future events and consequences don’t show up on their mental radars until much later, and they don’t notice them", and this perfectly describes how I feel. All of my projects through First and Second year were primarily done in the final week before the deadline, but the stress that this practise brings never inspires me to change my behaviour the next time. I am however determined not to do this this one final time, because I simply have too much to do to cram it any further.

In order to work on my project across multiple days and weeks in advance of the deadline, Tuckman says: "Managing ADHD mostly involves helping the future to win over the present." and "In order to feel future consequences, we need to remember past experiences and bring that feeling to the present.". For me, this means that I need to fully remember exactly how awful it always was to hand in my projects so last-minute. Thinking back now, I can remember how snappy and rude I was to my boyfriend the night before a deadline because I needed to focus. I find it hard to imagine consequences for myself (because I'm still here and there's been no lasting damage), but I would do anything for my boyfriend. So if working on my projects means that he doesn't have added stress, then this really motivates me to work in advance.

I originally wrote this post on Friday, and I am updating it on Wednesday morning to add in the extra research on working around my ADHD. This means I am already sticking to my plan to work on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays! I wish I had done more on Saturday and Sunday, so my plan for the coming weekend is to try and implement some working time across these days.

REFERENCES:

Tuckman. A. (2023), Psy.D., MBA, 'ADHD Minds Are Trapped in Now (& Other Time Management Truths)', https://www.additudemag.com/time-management-skills-adhd-brain/

#text post #post 3 #time plan

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heswrongshesright · 1 month

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In episode two of ‘He’s Wrong, She’s Right: And I Can’t Stop Moving Podcast,’ hosts Andrew and Nona dive into various topics including their personal businesses, future podcast goals, and their viewpoints on education systems. They share insights on insurance brokering and web development while considering the prospect of live streaming once reaching a thousand YouTube subscribers. The discussion extends to their personal opinions on homeschooling, public education, and private schooling. Furthermore, they touch upon the intricacies of navigating VA ratings and advocating for oneself in the healthcare system. Humor and candid banter punctuate their conversation as they explore everything from favorite colors to sports teams, encapsulating a broad range of subjects in a casual podcast setting.

Thank you to our Sponsors @LemacksMedia https://lemacksmedia.com Nóna Phelps – Independent Insurance https://nonaphelps.com

Support @veteranwiki by visiting https://veteranwiki.org

Visit our website https://heswrongshesright.com Sponsor inquiries https://heswrongshesright.com

Social Media YouTube https://lemacks.app/hwsryt Twitter (X) https://lemacks.app/hwsrtwitter Facebook https://lemacks.app/hwsrfb Instagram https://lemacks.app/hwsrig Reddit https://lemacks.app/hwsrreddit Tumblr https://lemacks.app/hwsrtumblr Pinterest https://lemacks.app/hwsrpinterest LinkedIn https://lemacks.app/hwsrlinkedin

Podcasts Patreon https://lemacks.app/hwsrpatron Spotify https://lemacks.app/hwsrspotify Apple https://lemacks.app/hwsrapple Amazon https://lemacks.app/hwsramazon iHeart https://lemacks.app/iheartradio PocketCast https://lemacks.app/pocketcast

RSS Feeds FeedBurner https://lemacks.app/feedburner Spotify https://lemacks.app/spotifyrss

Timestamps 00:00 Welcome to Episode Two: ADHD, Fidgets, and Podcast Vibes 01:00 Introducing the Hosts: Andrew and Nona 01:28 Business Shoutouts and Personal Ventures 04:09 Privacy Tips: Protecting Your Data from Auto Manufacturers 06:04 Tech Talk: Web Development and Hosting Insights 07:00 The Nonprofit Initiative: Veteran Wiki 10:33 Sponsorship and Transparency in Reviews 12:24 Seasonal Struggles: Battling Hay Fever 14:19 Diving into the Show: Topics on Dating and Teenagers 18:58 School Choices and Education Systems Discussion 30:04 The Remote Work Revolution and Its Impact 30:26 Navigating the Shift Back to Office Life 31:03 The Freelancer’s Dilemma: Big Clients vs. Small Clients 32:04 The Rising Costs of Running a Business 33:46 Adapting to the Ever-Changing Tech Landscape 36:52 Veteran Wiki: A Resource for Veterans 37:45 The Personal Side: Hobbies, Preferences, and Veteran Life 47:34 Advocating for Yourself in Healthcare and Disability Claims 52:34 Seeking Sponsorship and Wrapping Up

#business #Veterans #ADHD #Marriage #divorce

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monriatitans · 6 months

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Ta-Da! List: Wednesday - 11/01/2023

– shared the Tuesday, October 31, 2023 “Ta-Da! List” – finished writing down the 2023 ADHD quotes – shared the 3 Adoption Awareness Quotes to Instagram, the WGS and O&T Facebook pages, Threads, WordPress, Tumblr, and Pinterest Well, these are all the updates I had for today! Thank you for reading! May every decision you make in the future be in the spirit of fairness and may the rest of your…

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the-pokedestined · 7 months

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It's been a minute, but hey, life is crazy, especially when you are me. 🙃 I've moved to a new state, still in that transition period, have somehow secured a job there, and I'll be moving into my own place in the next week...

None of it would be possible without the donations to my gfm(which is still accepting btw, if anyone wants to send me some extra funds for furniture and phone bills, I would greatly appreciate any help) and my wonderful boyfriend, who I started dating back in March. So I thank everyone who was able to donate.

My boyfriend and I have known one another for about 6 years, met on the World of Warcraft server Facebook page I used to admin for. Kind of funny to think about. He's a very kind and sweet and funny person, and honestly the best partner I've ever had.

I just need to be medicated again, cause I feel like I'm not functioning at all. For ADHD, depression and anxiety, and maybe(MAYBE) I may look into some hrt. I'm a bit masculine and want to see how microdosing T works out for me. I'm a little bit nervous about it, but maybe it would be easier for my confidence if people didn't just view me as "girl-lite" in most cases. I also don't mind a change in voice, but I DO worry about the voice cracking when I try to do voice acting in the future haha

Anyways, just wanted to post an update, since Dan passed I've been struggling, but I feel like I'm on the right path. And I'll be able to return to streaming a lot more too! And not just say I am, then become overwhelmed with life. 😂

#personal life #not pokemon #not video games #update

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ddaeng-angmoh · 1 year

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This is going to be a long post where I talk about the struggles of the 20s. The stuggle of mental health and pain. This is brought on by recent events that occured and a beloved celebrity.

I'm not going to explicitly tag this for kpop or astro because I don't want to join that flood. I don't want anyone that is struggling to come to tumblr to relax, and be overwhelmed with the reminders of what happened. I fell apart after Jonghyun died. Irregardless of him being a celeb, I remember how it felt.

TW: talk of death , mental health

If you have been scrolling on tumblr or facebook and heard a lot of this. If this is making you feel uncomfortable and pushing you in any way to an unsafe place, please take the time to find a safe person to reach out to. Remember there are crisis hotlines for this as well. The internet will be flooded for awhile, so please take a step back from the internet if you must.

It took me a long time to come to terms with Jonghyun passing, I couldn't listen to SHINee for years without crying. I still can't sometimes. At the time, my friend told me of how there was some "death club" for celebs that passed at ages 25/26. I thought it was the oddest thing to make a club for. She hinted to it having some supernatural connection and I almost believed it.

I was 21 then, and the next year started the hardest 5 years of my life. I went from passing all my college courses to failing 6 in the span of 3 years. I quit my job, got a new one, then went on a mental health break. This led to me getting fired, and going on disability.

Last year I took a psychology course and as I realised I had entered the age of this nysterious "club" I looked back at my life broken hearted. It had been 4 years since Jonghyun passed, I was finally 25. I had been diagnosed with 2 mood disorders, adhd, 2 sleeping disorders, and been told the only cure for my mood disorders is to grow. I was incredulous when my psychologist said that to me. I got angry with him and with all my hopes and dreams crashing around me I could understand why this was such a dangerous age.

It wasn't until my teacher broached brain growth that something clicked. She told us that our brain didn't actually finish growing till around 26. That not only was the 20's the highest risk age for humans, but it was finally when we start being able to conceptualise the future. We could always dream of it before. We could understand the consequences. But we couldn't fully grasp the magnitude of the future.

We live in a society where we are expected to know what we want at 18. How unrealistic, when we only truly understand life at ~26.

The death club isn't supernatural. It's very psychological. I can't imagine the heartbreak these celebrities felt as the future came crashing in on them. That all their mental health struggles and life closed in on them and they wondered "is this it? Forever?" Because suddenly, forever makes more sense. More than it had.

I think we need to do better. Not just as a society, but as friends and family. The 20s are the age where suddenly we're freefalling, and as we plummet, we realise we can see the ground for the first time. We can finally see the end, and what it means. We imagine how it will feel to crash and break apart. All we feel is alone, and terrified, and wondering what it will sound like when we splatter to our end. How horrifying.

It's a good thing at least, that we can live our life as slowly as we like. If we take care of ourselves, we can slow our descent to the end. Outside of unexpected events of course.

I want to say for everyone younger than me, who hasn't hit this stage yet- you must already feel so overwhelmed. That's okay, because you ought to be. You're finding who you are. Take your time, and don't worry about the future. Don't put this pressure on yourself too early. And remember when you do start to see the ground, that it doesn't mean it's the end. It's still so far away. You'll be okay.

For the people in my age range who have seen it. Well, I'm in stage one of this myself. I'm terrified too. But everyday I'm seeing that it's okay. That all the things I scoffed at are true. I hated people saying to just wait it out. I never understood why they said "it's just a phase" (IT ISN'T TYVM) but now I get why they said that. They might not have experienced the pain I have mentally, but they experienced the fear of falling. The terror of seeing the end, and the peace that comes with knowing that they have a long way yet to go.

We have a long way yet to go.

Please remember that you're not alone in this. That you're not just going through a phase, and your struggles matter. The journey of the 20's is hard enough without mental fatigue and illness. But you can make it. Please don't be hard on yourself, and reach out to others. Take your time, because you need it. Because even after all this happens and your brain is done growing, and you're left with all this realisation- you still need to take the time to come to peace with it. If your mind is a pond and your growth is pebbles dropping in... then in this, you still have to wait for those pebbles to stop falling and their ripples to stop before it comes to peace again.

A bad metaphor, but the only one I can think of.

Waiting it out doesn't have to be torture. I think that's why it's so important we hold tight to the joys in our life. Why we have to cling onto what matters, and focus on the good relationships we have. Even if we have to go out of our comfort zone to make them. Because even reaching out for ourselves, we are still grasping onto someone else who needs help. We all need to support each other in this, I believe that completely. We're all lonely and aching. So why can't we find solace in each other?

I don't want to get into everything that happened today. My heart aches, and I'm not ready to confront it. The fear is coming back. I ache so much. Not just for him, his friends, or his family. But for everyone feeling the same. In this world of emotional fatigue, where we are bombarded with empathy so much that we grow numb- things like this can feel like it's really breaking me.

I don't know the people I pass on the street, or the people I reblog from or read the stories of. Yet my heart still feels for all of you. Because I know how I feel, and I know I'm not alone in it.

Growth is cruel, it hurts. It's life chiselling away at us as if we were unfeeling stone. Hacking out our form with furious cracks. But we're flesh and blood. We feel it all. And I truly hate how this pain is deemed as "necessary" it shouldn't have to be.

So please, please. Hold strong. Please hold onto the people around you. Because it will hurt. It will keep hurting. But It's not forever. We're almost done growing. There will be an end to this pain. This isn't forever. You shouldn't be burdened with getting over it. Don't hold yourself to that. Because you'll only get it over it when you find your own peace. That can't be rushed by expectations and guilt.

Sometimes I read stories and see the Romantic Leads interact. I watch in pain as one of them admits that they can't do it any anymore. They can't live their life alone and in pain. Then I watch in jealousy as their partner holds them and tells them they don't have to. They can let go of all their burdens and pains, because their partner is there for them. They will help them carry it all. And isn't that beautiful?

I feel awful guilt sometimes as a Christian. I've heard some awful things from corrupt churches, and I've had friends saying, "God will heal you if you ask". I wonder sometimes if they realise that I hear, "why are you still sick? What are you doing wrong that God isn't healing you? What's wrong with you."

I wish more churches confronted this. More of them said that it's okay to hurt and struggle. It's okay to not be healed. Because sometimes we're going to be sick. Sometimes we're hurt, and sometimes we don't see the real issue. I have repeated this many times in this post, but I want to reiterate it differently. Especially with this in mind.

We need to stop praying for healing, and looking for miracles to get better. We need to stop thinking that normalcy is the focus.

If you pray for anything, pray for peace. Pray for love. Pray for the confidence to seek someone out and ask for help. Pray for someone to hold you, so you can release your burdens. Pray for them to pick those burdens up with you, because you don't have to do it alone.

That's what will bring you true healing. Of this I know, of this I am certain. Because you don't need a romantic partner to find this. Because you don't need healing to achieve this. You really can get this all right now. But it is something that requires you to step out of your comfort zone and ask.

You don't have to ask God. I know a lot of people here have been hurt by religion and churches. This isn't a post to convert people like google docs and push my beliefs.

But you should ask someone.

Because your soul needs release. No matter who you are, and what you're going through, you need moments where you can trust in others to hold you. People can be trusted. I have no doubt you've been hurt in the past, because I have too. It was probably by someone you trusted most. That happened to me too. But that's not everyone.

If you are having a hard time. I ache for you. I understand. I feel the pain too. If you'll allow me, I'll pray for you. I can't handle life stories right now, or discussions. My own health isn't there. But if anyone wants to know that someone is thinking for them, and their health. Shoot me a dm, ask me to add you to my prayer list. I don't need to know why, so don't feel like you have to say anything specific either.

I'll pray for you day in and day out. Even if it's just one person, you can add me to the list of people that care about you. Even if we never talk again, and you don't want to talk again, I'll happily pray for you. Because I ache for you all, I truly do. I feel like I will fall apart when I hear of all the suffering around me. I so selfishly want to fix it all, and I wish I could. I want to be able to hold everyone who is hurting and tell them that I can carry their burdens for them. I just wish I could take all the pain away.

I know I can't. But I want to. So even if it's just the idea of it. I want to hug your hurts away, soothe your pain, and brush your tears away. Even for a moment. This will end. There will be peace.

With that, I want to say that I hope everyone stays strong. This age range is turbulent for a reason. Remember to hold on.

If you are experiencing any thoughts of harm or other extreme ideations, then please call one of the toll free help lines. They're there for a reason. These people are there to help. They're there for anyone to use. They're perfect if you need to talk instantly. I don't know how to write this without a total tonal shift, but it's important to bring this in.

https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp

This is a link to an engine to find help lines. Please use it if you are having intense feelings or on the precipace of a breakdown. I can't say where that line is for you, but I pray for you to have the wisdom to know if you should call.

You don't need death to find peace. I promise you of that.

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squidhominid · 1 year

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COVID-19, eCommerce, and the Magic Circle: A Story of Being Disabled Under Capitalism

NOTE: This is a largely off-the-cuff essay I wrote after watching the YouTube documentary "The Future is a Dead Mall - Decentraland and the Metaverse", by Folding Ideas. It also draws inspiration from Brandon FM's documentaries about VRChat abuse and misconduct. Topics discussed include crippling disability, limited mobility, predatory systems of capitalism, cryptocurrencies, and sex slavery. It also is somewhat rambly and badly written. You have been warned.

'Metaverse'. A word you've no doubt heard, over, and over, and over, in the last few years. A word that almost feels…immaterial, amorphous. The first time you heard it might have been in 1992, reading the novel Snow Crash, where it was used to describe a sort of physical prototypical internet. It may have been in October 2021, when Facebook, now Meta, announced their rebranding and their metaverse initiatives. Or it may have been in 2022, forever remembered as the year cryptocurrency tried, and failed, to become mainstream.

To me, the metaverse is like self-driving cars. The promise of a solution to my disability, a ticket to being able to exist alongside other people, ripped away by the fact that it exists within capitalism, and can never be the thing I need it to be.

Let me explain.

Ever since I was young, the promise of self-driving cars, forever just around the corner enthralled me. I have severe, life-diminishing vision problems, as well as severe ADHD and attentiveness issues. I cannot, and will never be able to, drive. This has placed a severe limitation on what I can do. What should be a 20 to 30 minute drive to my university campus, either takes 40 minutes and at minimum $20 via a rideshare service, or can take up to an hour and a half on public transportation. And, for the record, that's one way. The promise of a car that I can own, that operates itself, and gets me where I need to go, would be truly life-changing.

Of course, the same issue would be solved by a comprehensive and pervasive train and subway system, but this is America, not Japan, and I'm not delusional. The day any serious investment in public transit happens in this country is the day I eat my bedroom door.

Meta's original long-term plan for the metaverse rung a similar bell. A digital layer over all reality, where you can virtually project yourself to any physical space, anytime, anywhere, through pervasive AR technology in the real world, and VR technology in the home. My disability gives me the unique advantage of being incredibly resilient to simulator sickness, and so I suppose I lacked the perspective to understand why this was idealism. Even then, it isn't really; we already are seeing the rise of a new class of hikikomori who exist entirely within VRChat. But I'm getting ahead of myself… we'll get there.

Of course, in either case we see ideas that, in isolation, sound ideal for solving the essential problem of a world that can never be accessible enough. But, as soon as they start interacting with real-life systems, problems start to arise. And yet the world marches on anyway. And those ideas are buckling under its weight, as the world buckles under the weight of those ideas. Collapsing to a point.

In the case of self-driving cars, we see technology too immature for real-world application, used increasingly as a gimmick and a tormentor to the NHTSA, allowing people to watch Harry Potter while their Teslas drive themselves into white trucks they mistake for the sky, with the end goal of eliminating the driver for ridesharing services. Instead of eliminating driving, we're eliminating contractors. If you don't want to rent a car, you still will need to be able to drive, and if you do want to rent a car, I hope you trust Waymo's magic box to not wrap you around a stoplight.

As for the metaverse, it was not long before that idea buckled under its own weight. AR technology will not be mature enough for years, maybe decades, to truly support what Meta wants to do. So instead they pursue the metaverse that is unreal, rather than the one laid over reality. Horizon Worlds is nothing more than a bad VRChat clone, and if their plans ever come to fruition, a tumor hanging off of their grand design. And then came the crypto bros to co-opt the term metaverse even further. Now synonymous with so-called 'Web 3', the metaverse as a concept is reduced to a bad imitation of Second Life, a constructed play space attempting to emulate a hybrid of real-estate, mall, and theme park, sold on the back of the idea that you can live there instead of reality, with the true function of extracting wealth and withholding power from its citizens, if you can call people engaging in a mass political and economic delusion-cum-playground-fantasy 'citizens' of anything.

Of course, the world barrels forward anyway. And this all would be irrelevant, if it were not for that one little unfortunate fact in the corner of the room. The metaverse is already here. It is not VRChat. It is not Horizon Worlds. It is not Decentraland. It is not augmented reality.

The metaverse is COVID-19. Or, to be more direct, it is the new way of using the internet that COVID created, by making everyone realize that remote attendance of school and work is feasible with current systems, without an immersive 3D abstraction.

The metaverse is the fact that you can go to work over Zoom and Slack, order groceries with Instacart, meals with meal delivery services, and then when you're done, put on your VR headset and spend all night world-hopping.

The metaverse is here whether we like it or not, and it came not with a bang, but with the whimper of a thousand million newly-minted hikikomori. And, for bonus points, it brought with it new forms of abuse and the rise of an underground virtual sex slave market. Because you can log off of VRChat, but you can't log off from systemic harassment.

I guess this is my thesis statement. The idea of a metaverse that encompasses the physical world died before it was born. A global pandemic ushered in instead a new, bifurcated existence. Those of us who go out into the world because we need to, and those of us who stay inside because a global pandemic created the infrastructure to never need to go out again. People who survive off of digital asset commissions and spend their days on drug-fueled party binges in the comfort of their own home. A whole new way for power-tripping digital moderators to exploit people, by using the social fabric of a metaverse app lacking governance to create social abuse and isolation so pervasive that they can compel people into sex slavery without ever seeing them in person.

What started as the promise of a new way to engage with the physical world, has instead split the world in two.

Maybe I'm overreacting. VRChat is nowhere near pervasive enough to pose a threat to society. But the social shifts caused by COVID, and by the new viability of a metaverse-free metaverse, will only magnify over the years.

God knows what's coming next.

#virtual reality #vrchat #metaverse #rambling #long post

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matthewbernard · 1 year

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Yesterday on the way to work I was reflecting on my current life state and the crossroads that lies ahead of me in a few months. I was thinking about what I could do at that crossroads (the details of the crossroads I’ll go into at a later date), and that, as usual, led me to thinking about writing and this blog.

Later on in the day I looked at my Facebook memories and there was this picture:

Three years ago when I posted that, I was doing pretty well. I had mostly emerged from the worst depression of my life and things had overall become pretty stable. Work was good, my love life was looking promising, and one could say that I was feeling pretty great. Sadly, this would not last. I got fired from the job and the relationship didn’t last, but before it ended, it really took its toll on me mentally and emotionally.

Slowly I began the climb back up. I found a job with a really great team of people and I made peace with being alone for the seeable future. With that, I made the choice to prioritize my kids and to commit to being the source of my own happiness and strength. It was another journey through the dark and back to the light, but when I saw that post, I felt like I had finally made it back to where I was three years ago. Despite the aforementioned impending crossroads, I was feeling pretty good about where I am. I chose to repost the memory, and I went on with my day.

I received a few likes and a couple of comments. One from my grandma telling me how proud she was of me. I’m never sure how to respond to that sort of stuff, so I usually don’t say anything. While I know how hard it has been to work through the pitfalls of my mental health, it also is hard to acknowledge that as any form of accomplishment.

Later in the day I got a phone call. It was the behavioral health department at my doctor’s office. I was expecting their call as I had asked my doctor last week to have them call me to schedule an appointment for an ADHD evaluation. The person at the other end of the call had the tone of someone who had long since lost their patience for anything. They inform me that my insurance is out of network for their providers (which I already knew), and that my costs would be out of pocket. Now, this whole situation will be its own post at some point to explain why I had willingly asked the out of network provider to call me for an appointment, but right now I can’t openly discuss some aspects of it. So for right now I’m going to skip to the part where I ask them what the out of pocket cost is, and they tell me that it is $418, which is more than double what I was expecting.

Suffice to say, this hit me like a gut punch. Over the last year I have been really exploring the possibility that I am ADHD as it would explain so much of why I am the way that I am. If I’m right, a diagnosis could not only get me medications that could potentially help me, but at the very least it would allow me a great deal of comfort in being able to say, “Yes, I am this thing.” Now, due to the culmination of all the various circumstances: the impending crossroads, my family doctor leaving practice, and most importantly, our healthcare system being completely fucked, I am likely going to have to wait until 2024 to continue pursuing this.

Needless to say I ended yesterday pretty crestfallen. Today wasn’t a whole lot better and the cloud of the crossroads hung over me a little more than usual. I didn’t have the kids today, so after work I made and ate dinner, and then I sat on the couch wondering what I should do with my time. For the last couple of months I had spent all my free time playing Minecraft. For the few months before that it was Pokemon. My hyperfocus on both had subsided and I was in between stuff. Over the weekend I had “cracked the code” on my gimmick for my replay of Breath of the Wild. I have been wanting to play it again before Tears of the Kingdom is released, but I know I need something that will keep me engaged to complete that. I could start that, but I wasn’t quite ready. I thought about writing, but it seemed too difficult.

To be honest, the one thing that I wanted to do was just go to bed. It was 6pm and it was all I could think about. I was exhausted, but I wasn’t sleepy. I just wanted to go ahead and end the day. With what felt like way too much effort, I managed to make myself leave the couch, and rather than go to my bed, I decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood. As I did, I started to feel better, and the ideas started flowing for this post. A part of me felt like I had accomplished something while the other part of me said that simply choosing not to go to bed at 6pm should be easy, and therefore it’s not an accomplishment. This post is already long enough, so that will have to be another thing that we discuss some other time, but the point is that when you are neurodivergent, and you struggle with your mental health, you are never truly in a place when you can declare victory and retire. It is a constant battle. Thankfully today I pulled myself out of it, but I know the near future will hold days where I will probably choose the bed at 6pm.

#depression #depression naps #adhd #neurodivergencies

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