#HE WAS READY TO GO AND THEY LITERALLY SENT HIM TO MALAYSIA

[joe-bastianich-is-a-cutie]

THEY GAVE HIM AN EXTRA SCENE WHERE HE IS PEACEFUL AND JOYFUL AND HAPPY AND

#MAPPA IM ON MY KNEES #THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU #HE WAS READY TO GO AND THEY LITERALLY SENT HIM TO MALAYSIA #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #I AM IN TEARS #I AM IN PAIN #nanami kento #my beautiful beautiful nanami #jjk spoilers #and no i STILL HAVENT WATCHED THE EP

[juggalomary]

This is a first chapter of my first fic which will be posted to AO3 around the 12/12 time (I’m waiting on my invitation lol). I’d also love a beta reader but I literally don’t know how to get one.

Who is This Kid?

Ch1

BANG.

Silence. Not total silence. Price was shouting, Gaz was shouting, Ghost was shouting. There was a lot of shouting.

Johnny fell, hit the ground hard and then didn’t move. He was bleeding, a lot. There was blood on Ghosts knee, from where he knelt down next to him. It was in Soaps hair, on his clothes, on his gun, everywhere.

“DISARMED” there was a shout from Gaz. It sounded like he was underwater. It was then when Ghost finally took his hand off Johnnys pulse point. A simple shake of the head said it all. Soap Mactavish was KIA.

—————

They didn’t try to bring him home with them.

Well didn’t try is an understatement, Ghost and Gaz tried, they had him upright and ready to be lifted before Price told them to leave it to the recon and collection crews.

So that’s what they did. Johnny stayed on the ground, blood still steeping from his head, slowly. Ghost couldn’t look anymore, his best mate, and possible crush, dead on the floor of some tube station next to a disarmed bomb.

—————

Ghost was laying on his bed next to some sickly man at a civilian hospital. He had gone nonverbal for a few days after the mission. Then suddenly one day he knocked on Prices door, drunk off his head and said some shit. Things along the lines of: “I’ll carve his name into a bullet and paint the wall red and pink.”

He probably should’ve specified that he was talking about Makarov. Ghost was not suicidal, he had not once attempted. Ghost was not unstable. Ghost passed every psych eval except for his last one. He was 5 points off of a pass, he failed due to the ‘what are your plans out of the military question?’

He had said “buy a nice house and hunt.” They had asked what, he had said “anything that moves really.”

So what it was a bit vague, he was feeling vague at that moment. So he ended up on watch and not allowed leave. He wouldn’t have taken one anyway. He got taken off watch and sent to a hospital when his gun was found on range after he had left for a moment with one bullet with ‘J. Mactivish’ carved into it.

Ghost is not suicidal. Ghost was planning on shooting Makarov with that one. He just grabbed some ammo from his room and loaded up. He had not realized that it was Johnnys bullet.

He spent a week in the hospital, then was released. He found himself back on base to spend his 2 week medical leave ordered by his psychiatrist.

When he entered his room, everything slowed to a halt and then sped back up. There was a note on his door.

‘Lieutenant Riley

We feel as though we have to tell you personally, John Leon ‘Soap’ Mactavish has been formally reported KIA as of 11/23/23. All living family has been contacted and his body was cremated on 11/25/23. Our deepest condolences go to you.’

He chuckled lightly at Johnnys middle name. Then he was laughing, then he was laughing as tears slipped out, and then he was sitting on the floor of Prices office as he was being held. Wait. When the hell did he get there. Well never mind that, his captain and father figure (he would never tell a soul that) was holding him. It was nice.

—————

Ghosts 2 weeks were up. He was cleared for duty. During those weeks they had sent Johnny to rest in the wind and water. He was wearing his dog tags along his. They had found evidence of Makarov in a remote and seemingly abandoned village along the Russia-Malaysia border. Heat signatures were suddenly picked up after 3 months of nothing more than a few wild animals.

It was decided that the 141 would go in and attempt to apprehend Makarov. Ghost would be sniping while Gaz and Price would go in. Johnny would be watching down on them.

—————

It was a simple mission. No casualties on either side. Turns out they ran just hours before the 141 were wheels up. They still looked and looked, for anything really. They were searching through a file cabinet when a file was picked up and a few Polaroids fell out.

“Captain, you have to see this.” Gaz was speaking slowly and sounded scared. It took a lot to scare Gaz, and pictures are usually not something soldiers who’ve seen so much should be afraid of.

“Gaz, what do you have…” 5 pictures, 2 head wounds, 2 soldiers, 1 person in a hospital bed, one person on the ground.

The dead man was not John, the man in hospital was. The final photo was a picture taken in a dark room with flash, a buzzed head with a bloody bandage. He looked terrible, bruised, bloody, beaten, and the worst part, he was looking towards the camera, but not at it. 1000 yard stare, as his therapist would say.

The entire village was searched again, with 100% more thoroughness. They didn’t find anybody. What they did find the second round was the hospital bed that he was laying in in the picture. There was a blood stain on the top of the mattress and metal restraints at the sides. They also found a copy of the records they kept on him.

The bullet had penetrated his skull and somehow missed his brain and exited 4 inches above the entry wound on the top of his head, nearly shattering his skull. He was kept alive on life support for 5 days, before throwing up the intubation and passing out. He was then ‘taken to the positive psychology ward’, meaning roughly that he was now in the process of being seemingly brainwashed. There was one photo with a date on it 12/4/23, it was a picture of Soap with a M branded onto his collarbone and mouth slightly open, broken nose and disassociated.

That man in the photo may be Soap, but there was no way it was Johnny.

#ghostsoap #ghoap #ew wtf is that ship name is sounds like boat #fanfic #give me suggestions #but be nice about it #I literally have never written something like this #I listened to ICP before and after making this #probably influenced how it turned out #ao3 crosspost #SOON #LIKE DECEMBER 12 OR 13 #horrifyingly inaccurate #like how does the military work #but it’s fine because I got my medical degree from grey anatomy

[shra-vasti]

MAKES ME WONDER [11/40] The Goodbye

→ Synopsis : Your dream to attend a Seventeen concert was finally coming true but you weren't prepared for the events that were going to follow after Joshua made eye contact with you and chose to make you his partner for the mini game and take you out on a date as a winning prize.

→ Genre : fluff

→ Type : Idol x fan au

→ Word count : 1k

→ Taglist : @mngyuheart @vannie24 @uglyratlmao @rjsmochii @dwcljh @noniesgirl @yuriewolfhard @jisungsdreamy

→ Couldn't tag : @mischeifmakerliesmith5 (let me know if you want to be added to the taglist)

→ Pairing : idol!Joshua x fan!reader

→ Main Seventeen Masterlist 

→ Makes Me Wonder Masterlist 

"Y/N, wake up I've to go before Seungcheol wakes up."

You stirred up in your sleep as you opened your eyes to see a freshly showered Joshua smiling down at you.

"You even got ready? God you could have woke me up." 

You hurriedly made your way towards the bathroom, it was still hot since Joshua had used it before but you immediately brushed your teeth and took the fastest shower you had ever taken in your life. 

"I'm done."

You declared as you saw him fully dressed with his coat and he was wearing his shoes as you approached him. 

"You're really going aren't you?" 

You ran into his arms when he opened him for you, inhaling his scent as you closed your eyes, this feeling was too overwhelming. 

"I hope we'll meet soon, I'm going to miss you."

He rocked you side by side as both of you just silently enjoyed each other's presence. 

"This still feels like a dream."

You felt his chest vibrating as he laughed, he pushed you a little bit off his body, he took your face in his hands leaning in to place a gentle kiss on your lips. 

You were shocked at the initial contact but soon warmed up, moving your lips in sync with him as you pulled him closer to you by circling your arms around his neck. 

You felt him sigh into your lips, his eyebrows furrowed as his kiss became sloppier, he moved his one hand to hold your head to help you balance yourself and you took a hold of his hair to steady yourself. 

You pulled away to catch your breath, a trail of your saliva still connecting in between before it broke, you took into his eyes, breath still ragged due to the kiss. 

"I think I should go."

Your eyes welled up with tears as he whispered and you could tell he was holding himself back and not make you more emotional. 

You nodded you head, still able to feel his breath on you, "I hope we'll meet-" 

And he kissed you again, unable to ignore the slight wavering in your voice, this kiss was much more desperate than the last one. 

Both of you hold onto each other as if it was your last time doing so and you felt your cheeks getting wet and your tears slipping inside your mouth and giving a salty taste.

He pulled away completely, the cold air hitting your body with more force and you already missed the warmth his body provided you. 

"I hope we'll meet sometime soon."

He nodded at your words hugging you one last time and kissing your temple.

"Take care of yourself and don't get too emotional, we'll meet sometime soon okay? I'll call you whenever I can, we can do this."

You nodded your head as he wiped your tears and you kissed his forehead one last time as you bid him goodbye. 

You ran up to your window when he was out of your side, he waved you bye from below knowing all too well you'll be there waiting for him before he got inside the car his manager sent and he was off towards his way to Korea. 

You got back inside your room and sat on your bed clutching your heart, it was a bad idea that he stayed the night in your room and you already started missing his presence. 

"I hope we'll find a way towards each other's soon."

▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️▫️

"Who's here so early?" 

Seungcheol groaned, opening his door to see Joshua holding the breakfast tray in his hands as he smiled down at the elder. 

"Good morning."

Seungcheol gave him a pointed look before going back to his room and into the bathroom to brush and get fresh as Joshua waited for him outside. 

"I never thought you'd actually come and get me breakfast."

"I just wanted to prove to you that even if y/n takes me high I have my feet on the ground."

Seungcheol raised his eyebrows at his words before breaking into a smile punching him on the shoulder and continued to eat the breakfast. 

"You are already all set? When will the car pull up to take us to the airport."

"Maybe in an hour, we have to get there early so all the checking is completed early, you know what happened last time we went to Malaysia right?" 

Seungcheol laughed and nodded his head, they were late and were in a hurry when they came to know that Jun had some problem with his document which led everyone except a few staff members and Jun to stay in Malaysia for 24 hours more. 

"Our luggage has already been sent aside from our essentials of course, Jeonghan had already sent your luggage too."

"So that's what was missing in my room, I kept on thinking something changed from the time I came out of the bathroom."

Joshua eyed Seungcheol's mood contemplating whether to speak what he wanted or not when he met his eyes and Joshua continued. 

"I'll always put our group before my happiness Cheol."

"No you shouldn't, we care about your feelings too, just a bit skeptical ever since your first heartbreak, I didn't had any expectations from you to return I wouldn't have mind it one bit, I just want you to know what you're getting yourself into, cause she has feelings too, your idol life is going to be the greatest barrier in your relationship with her."

Joshua nodded his head continuing to eat his food too. 

"Hyung, let's go, the car is waiting."

Everyone gathered near the car and made themselves comfortable in their respective seats.

"Oh Hyung, I really missed you."

"I was literally gone for one night."

Joshua rolled his eyes at Soonyoung who kept on making sad faces at him crying about how much he missed his Hyung. 

"Hyung, I got y/n phone number the other day, if you ever miss her way too much tell me so I'll give it to you."

Joshua turned backwards to eye Seokmin who was looking at him pouting and beside him was Wonwoo who tried his best to control his laughter. 

"How did you get her number? And for your information I already have her number."

"Everyone has her number Hyung even Jihoon Hyung does."

Wonwoo chimed in before once again getting lost in his phone, probably talking with his girlfriend. 

#Joshua hong #Seventeen Joshua #caratwritersclub #Makes me wonder #Seventeen au #Joshua au #Joshua hong au #Seventeen imagines #Joshua imagines #Joshua hong imagines #Seventeen series #Joshua series #Joshua hong series #Kpop #Kpop au #Kpop imagines #Seventeen fanfic #Joshua fanfic #Joshua hong fanfic #Joshua x reader #Joshua x reader au #Seventeen x reader #Seventeen x reader au #Joshua one shot #Hong jisoo

[judgement-free-sideblog]

Ghosts from the rainforest

Captain James Conrad x Reader

Summary: A simple rescue mission will bring him back to a place full of nightmares, and maybe this time he could find redemption. Situated in 1975, 2 years after the events of Skull Island.

Warnings: Violence, blood, wounds, mentions of war, cursing, implied smut, smoking, angst.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

I finally manage to write the end to this tiny fic, I hope you like it, and I'm going to start on my ideas for a Jonathan Pine adventure, but I haven't decide yet.

Chapter 7: Fever [Final]

The helicopter was already on motion, and the rescue crew that Brooks had sent for you were charging everything for the trip. The guys were excited to finally going back home, the Celebes Sea was ahead of you in the military base you were staying, and waiting in the Pacific the majestic USS Constellation  (CV-64) waiting to take all of you home.

Home? A country that had make more damage and taken everything from you, your family, and had force you to live away to mend some of the atrocities they had committed in the name of freedom.

"Not looking so charming today are we?" You said to him once he walked in your room to pick up your bags, you have finally stop the hostilities after he had offered you his shoulder to cry while you mourned Shukri on his funeral and after all the physical torture he had endured so you could safely leave Borneo.

He had been clear about letting you stay if that was what you wanted, and even when the rest of the crew asume you were coming back to USA, he knew you would have to say goodbye sooner or later, so instead of telling him all the things your heart was keeping from him you kept teasing him and pretending the chopper was not waiting for him.

"I have a minor headache love, but it's okay, are you ready to say goodbye?" He said and you noted how his temple had a few wrinkles, he was trying to smile over the pain in his head "It's a shame you don't come with us, I have a lot of things I wanted to show you" he grabbed your hand and all your alarms started to scream.

"Conrad are you okay?" Those words were all you have hoped for, however the radiant heat from his skin told you he was not exactly fine. "Dear God you are burning up" You said touching his head and looking desperately for a thermometer in your belongings.

"I like you too doctor, but why don't we wait until we get to the ship, we can share a bunk bed" He was definitely not himself.

"103° damn it Conrad!" You said, and for some oddly reason remember the night he told you about Randa and how much he complained about mosquitoes while he was dressing "Look at me, I'm not kidding, did you take Chloroquine before we leave Malaysia? I told you guys you had to..."

He nodded negative, and before he could speak he simply throw up in the nearest trash bin, making you suspect of the worst, specially since all the medicine was now gone and the only viable solution now was the aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific waiting for you.

"Also you have perfect legs you know that? I could spend my life sleeping on them." He kept saying things like that while you helped him to the heliport "Come here princess your prince charming needs your love" he said trying to kiss you.

"Later dear, preferably when you're not dying or smelling like vomit" you tried to stop him.

"Well you didn't mind me covered in dirt and sweat" He tried again but he stopped to scream "Reg! I love you man, you are like a son to me" and also tried to kiss the boy on the forehead.

"What happened to the Captain?" Slivko asked concerned once you help him to board the chopper while carrying his luggage and your medical bag.

"I have no idea, but I'm afraid it might be Malaria" you said bluntly and all of them looked concerned at you, while he vomited again "Do you have medical equipment here?" You asked the pilot and he only raised his thumb while you make sure he was steady on the helicopter floor, and almost didn't feel the machine take off while you tried to put an IV on his arm.

After one hour that felt like ten you could no longer see the island, only the immensity of the Pacific, and growing in the horizon the USS Constellation, even when you despised war and everything it represented the enormous carrier was enough to let you speechless, specially when a team of nurses and a doctor was already with a stretcher waiting for him.

"It's going to be ok James" you told him holding his hand while the experts rushed him inside.

"You really like men to die quite literally for you right?" He tried to joke, fighting the impulse of vomiting again, "Hey it's okay, I have to take care of you remember?" He smiled and you hold his hand trying to not get on the way of the medical staff, but he was too weak and fall asleep.

After they had stabilized his temperature, and take samples of his blood to determine the pathogen they let you in, the beds inside the medical bay of the ship were oddly spacious, and you could be sited next to him without any other person listening.

"Y/N?" He asked opening his beautiful eyes, "Hey it's okay love, I'm feeling better" He said and tried to reach for the glass of water on the table.

"Let me" You said and put it closer to him, "I know, once they identify the plasmodium they will know what is the best treatment for you, they take test and interrogate all of us, don't tell him I told you but Reles almost passed out when he saw the needle " He attempt to laugh but was still weak so he only smiled.

"Well is rewarding seen you on my dead bed, I'm quite honored, tears look oddly beautiful on you" He said and a small smile form in your lips.

"And you are still delirious" You said looking for a piece of cloth, and cold water from the sink to put on his head. "Here, try to rest, I'll come see you later" you told him but before your hand could leave his head he hold you still "What?"

"I might be dying, so you owe me at least listening me like adults" He said forcing you to stay next to him.

"You are not dying" you said trying to sound like it didn't matter and failing miserably "you are not, but fine. Let's talk" you concede.

"I'm sorry" he started contrary to what you had expected. "I had no idea how you looked before we met, and i was under no circumstances trying to seduce you to lure you back to America" you blush and regret your decision to stay by his side.

"I'm sorry too" You responded after a while "You have done so much helping me, even when half of the trouble I caused was preventable if I haven't trusted in the wrong people." You said and he hold your hand softly, he didn't want to hear about that, and you knew it so you took all the courage you have to continue. "And I'm sorry I over reacted, I am so used to people coming to me with second intentions that I just pushed you away to avoid getting hurt, and I just end up making other people hurt you"

"I'm sorry I make you come to the ship, I knew you wanted to stay" he said sincerely.

"It's okay, I have to make sure you stay alive, you know for the boys, maybe working at Monarch with you and Brooks won't be so bad"

"Well you can always run away from us in Hawaii, or maybe... we could run away together" He gave you a pleading look, and for moment you could imagine that life, keep running away, by his side, the soldier that never came home, and the idealist doctor, and keep leaving ghosts in every island, trying to find happiness apart from the world, but together. He kissed you, but this time it wasn't a lusty hunger kiss, nor passionate and angry like before, it was reassuring and you knew no matter what your answer was, he was on your side, for the first time you had someone on your side "So what do you say?"

But you couldn't answer because out of nowhere your stomach make you nauseous and you rush to the toilet to empty its content.

"Are you okay dear?" He screamed from the bed "I'm trying bloody hard to not take this as criticism"

"I'm okay, but I'm going to check your tests and start taking the pills before I end up confessing my sins on the fever like you" you said and walked out of the bathroom to saw him "We can talk later" you assure him.

You marched inside the medical office and started to look in the cabinets, when the young doctor that had received Conrad walked in.

"I'm sorry, I start feeling the symptoms and I thought it would be better if I start on the chloroquine before it gets worse" you excuse yourself.

"That would be great, if any of you had Malaria" he said offering you a seat that you take since he speak with a Texan accent and an authoritarian voice that made up from his young face "But we test all of you and what our SAS friend has is more likely a stomach flu from some bad shrimp, I was just on my way to tell him." He said and you sigh in relief, but also concerned about your own symptoms

"Oh that's great, but I start barfing too, and I didn't had the shrimp last night" you said and he took out a small file with your name that the nurses had put together earlier.

"Well it may be motion sickness, we are in a boat after all, or maybe... you told the nurse you didn't remember when was your last period?" He said looking the file.

"Well we have been in the jungle almost a month so I wasn't exactly counting" you tried to joke.

"The change of environment can trigger the vomit, or if you had sex in the past three weeks you might be pregnant" He smiled and all the weight of the world fall into your shoulders instantly. "In any case you should rest and let alone my medical cabinets, go with nurse Matthews she will give you some vitamins" he said but you were not longer listening.

No, it couldn't be that, right? You tried to convince your mind, but deep down you knew it was true, what would he think? He was a soldier, a man of the field, not a father, and you were obviously not a mother, what will happen now? Now that he wanted to run away in the world next to you, a baby had a place on that plan?.

Two days later Conrad was out of the medical bay and trying to approach you, offering you a fresh start from the afternoon you pause all those weeks ago in Malaysia.

But the stolen kisses on the hallways, and his nightly incursions on your cabin only made it harder for you to find a way to come clean about your news, even when the idea had already sink in your mind, because it was a baby, and it was his baby, how could you not be happy and grateful? Yet you haven't say anything to him.

Four days later he had spend the whole day walking on the deck with you, like if the planes and choppers were an appropriate sighting for a date.

"We'll be in Hawaii soon" He started "If you want to go out for a walk in the morning and get lost in the jungle we have to star planning now" he said and you were looking at the ocean trying to make up your mind.

"Maybe... I was wondering about the work you do at Monarch, maybe I will give it a chance" you start not sure how the whole we are having a baby situation will fit in your speech "I mean if you want to travel the world it might help to have a paying job for a while" you were nervously touching your hands.

"Of course, also when the baby comes I would like to have a proper house for him to be... or she, I don't care you know? as long as they're healthy" he said and you nodded yes.

"Yeah of course... what??" You look at him and he had the most radiant smile on his face, and he was clearly holding his laugh and apparently tears, of joy? "How do you know?

"Well nurse Matthews saw us kissing and then she complained about how Children this days keep having children out of wedlock" he said and you hide your face on your hands.

"I was really going to tell you... for real is just..." but you didn't have the words in you, and the tears were running on your face

"I know, it's fine, I mean is a little soon but if I'm honest I'm tired of running, and after all we've been trough I couldn't imagine a single person to share this experience with" He said cleaning the tears from your face.

"You sure?" You asked again, needing to hear it from his mouth.

"I'm sure, I fall in love with you when I saw you scaring local vendors in Malaysia and then fighting guerilla liders in Borneo, I even loved you when you vomit after kissing me for real, I'm completely taken by you Y/N"

"I fall in love with you too James" you said, and his expression got serious for a moment. "What?"

"Nothing, is just that I'm going to miss Prince Charming" he said giving you again the disarming smile that had started all this adventure.

The end

@damalseer

@kinghiddlestonanddixon (I hope you like the end)

#captain james conrad x reader #james conrad x reader #captain james conrad x you #james conrad imagine #captain james conrad #james conrad #kong skull island #kong skull island fanfiction #reg slivko #joe reles #glenn mills #tom hiddleston

[writing-in-the-impala]

You Always Hurt The Ones You Love (Part 7)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

AU: Professor!Bucky Barnes/ Teacher!Bucky Barnes

Series Summary: You fall for your smoking hot literature professor Bucky Barnes (quite literally) what follows you never predicted would happen.

Warnings: Swearing, Drinking, teacher-student relationship (but like it’s all legal chill) and mentions of PTSD because it’s Bucky, SLOWburn we’re in for a long ride

Word Count: 1741

A/N:  Analysis of Bucky stolen from @yetanotherobssesivereader who wrote an amazing post describing how Bucky showed signs of torture and that he wasn't okay I  loved the analysis and think it's canon so I had to include it

MASTERLIST | SERIES MASTERLIST | Part 1,  Part 2,  Part 3,  Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

You were dreading going to class and seeing Bucky, you didn't know what you should do, you knew you can't not turn up to class because that would send a strong message of you not wanting to see him but you also knew you didn't want to see him because you were confused and you hated the fact that you were longing to kiss him again. You approached his classroom with dread however we're surprised to see the whole class outside the room in the corridor. "What's going on?" You asked one of your friends from class.

"Doors locked, no one knows where Barnes is." He replied and you nodded a thanks. Minutes later everyone received an email.

"Class cancelled. Couldn't find a parking spot. - J.Barnes"

"Class cancelled!" Some kid shouted and the crowd dispersed. You decided to go to Tony's office because you weren't in the mood to take a subway all the way home.

"Hey kiddo." Tony said when you knocked on the door and walked in.

"Hey, you busy?" You asked.

"Always but never when you come in." He said with a wink and you laughed.

"I wanted to talk about May's birthday." You said.

"Aren't you meant to be in class?" Tony asked as you sat down opposite him.

"Barnes cancelled." Out simply replied.

"Oh yeah apparently he's off sick all week." Tony replied, sick? So he lied in the email saying he couldn't find a parking spot, so this means all your classes with him are cancelled.

"Yeah, anyway Peter and I have a proposition." You said and Tony leaned in.

"I'm listening." He replied.

"You know how May has always wanted to spend a night in one of those hotels where the rooms are huts in the water." You said.

"She never told me that..." Tony said.

"She probs knew you'd pay and take her that's why she never told you, anyway they are really expensive but Peter and I have been saving up for literally years and we have enough for a room for you and May for a week in AVANI Sepang Goldcoast Resort but we forgot about the flight so we were wondering if you could help us out pay for te flights and we'll pay you back when we have the money because we need to book this now and don't have enough." You explained.

"Kid I can pay for the room too." Tony said.

"No, we don't want you to pay we just want a small loan if you get me? We'll pay you back." You explained.

"Okay, how about we do this I'll book the rooms and flights and you'll pay me back?" Tony asked and you nodded.

"That would be amazing yes please." You said.

"Okay so when am I booking this." Tony asked.

"I was thinking flight out in May's Birthday and then a week in Malaysia?" You said and Tony nodded clicking some stuff on his computer.

"Okay, aaaaand booked. You and Peter are coming too." Tony informed you.

"No we don't have enough to pay for so many flights." You protested.

"Yeah but I do and you deserve to enjoy yourself after collecting all that money, May would want you there." Tony explained.

"It's meant to be like a romantic get away for the two of you." You continued to protest.

"That's why you and Peter have your own rooms and so you won't bug me I bought extra tickets so both of you can have a +1. And if it's a romantic get away you should bring a boyfriend and Pete can bring that nerdy friend he builds ships with or his new girlfriend." Tony said.

"How do you know about her?" You said confused.

"I know everything." Tony said and you thought not everything you don't know Bucky kissed me but you were never going to tell him that.

"Get ready to spend a week with Natasha." You said.

"You know what leave, and don't come back. If you bring Natasha you're not allowed on the plane." Tony said and you made a fake offended face. "You have 2 months find someone and I don't want to kick you out but I think I'm late to teach a class, I'm not really sure." Tony said and you laughed before hugging him, thanking him and saying goodbye.

Bucky didn't show up to class for the whole week. On Friday you got annoyed, this was childish, yes he made a mistake but does that mean you can't be friends, does that mean he can't teach you, you were gonna fail just because that idiot kissed you. You didn't know what annoyed you more the fact that he regretted kissing you so much that it hurt and made you feel terrible or the fact that he was acting so childish. You decided to go to Steve so you knocked on the door and heard a "come in." So you opened the door to see Steve sitting at his desk grading some papers. "Miss L/N, how can I help you?" He said formerly and you shit the ford before speaking.

"He's not ill is he?" You asked your voice angry but weak.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He said.

"Cut the bull shit Rogers you're mean to be the honest one, he's the lying one." You said annoyed.

"Language, Okay fine yes he isn't ill but he might as well be he hasn't left his flat all week I don't know what's wrong." Steve said.

"He hasn't told you?" You asked your mood changing why wouldn't Bucky tell Steve, his best friend.

"No. All I know is it's something big because Bucky is pretending nothings wrong but something is up." Steve said you could see he's being honest that he's worried. "How did you know he wasn't ill?" Steve asked and you didn't know what to say, because he kissed me and then went missing so I know he's avoiding me is what you wanted to say but knew you couldn't.

"Because he sent an email saying class is cancelled because he couldn't find a parking spot and then Tony said that actually he's ill so I knew he's lying to someone." You explained. "So what's wrong with him?" You asked sitting down.

"I don't know, he doesn't tell me stuff." Steve said.

"But you're his best friend I thought he tells you everything." You said confused.

"You'd think." Steve said with a slight laugh that he used to mask the pain. "Look Bucky avoids telling me things he believes will hurt me or upset me, he tries to deal with problems alone." Steve explained and you felt bad for Bucky and Steve noticed the look on your face as it's the way he felt and he continued. "Look I know Bucky has told you a lot he's been really open with you which is rare for him but how much did he actually tell you?" Steve asked.

"Just bits and pieces, he told me he had a bad experience in the army, he was captured and he was made to do terrible things, something to do with Tony that's why Tony isn't too fond of him um, he told me about his PTSD, his depression, he told me about you saving him that's about it." You explained.

"Wow So he actually told you most of it. Okay I'm gonna explain to you something about Bucky, which you've probably noticed with the times he's had outbursts on you, now this is between me and you because I just want to explain Bucky a bit to you because I know he tried to push away people he's don't it with me too and I just want you to know he thinks he's doing the right thing." Steve explained, it sounded odd why was Steve now talking about Bucky pushing you away? Did Steve actually know about the kiss? He did. You were sure of it.

"So Bucky is bad at dealing with emotions but good at hiding them, after he was captured by Hydra and then rescued from te Hydra Facilities to me he smiled but when I looked away he'd stop fake smiling. For a long time I didn't realise but it was one of the signs he wasn't okay but he hid it well. When we were celebrating the rescue everyone was together but Bucky, he decided to sit apart from everyone tossing back whiskey and probably trying to forget what happened when he was captured. I know they did terrible things to him he's never told me that but when I first saw him at that facility he was repeating his name, rank and serial number the therapist told me it was a sign he was tortured, I was an idiot for asking him to go on another mission with me. But he followed me like the amazing friend and soldier he is, and because of me got re-captured by Hydra after nearly falling to his death out of a train, they tortured him broke him. And yet he still pretends like none of that happened, when Bucky was rescued and went through the therapy to be Bucky again he tried to push me away, he was scared he'd hurt me, he pushed Dot away too. He has trouble letting people in and let me tell you that after Dot broke up with him I thought he'd close off again completely but he didn't he actually opened up, but now he's trying to push you away because he's scared he's gonna hurt you. His PTSD is getting worse which probably means he thinks he's the winter soldier and not Bucky and he's scared that he will hurt you. He cares about you and if you care about him you will try and reach out to him even when he shuts the world out." Steve said his eyes pleading you to save his friend.

"Thank you, this must've been hard for you to tell me.... you know what happened the other day don't you?" You asked cautiously.

"I live across the hall, he didn't even have to tell me I heard the swearing." Steve said.

Part 8 | More stuff I wrote

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[theskyisneveralwaysblue]

The Long Mistake

I love you. I love you from the tips of your fingers through to the deepest part of your soul that no one else sees. I love the curve of your smile, your witty humour. I love the way you say my name, when you talk about our future and make me smile even if it’s for a small while. I love your tattoos, the bright colours on your tanned European skin. I love the way I have to stand on the tips of my toes to kiss you, I love when you hold me close and I feel your arms firm around me. I feel safe, my protector. You don’t like it when other guys are rude to me, you defend me before I hit back at my own accord. I love the way you laugh and sexily dance in the kitchen when you cook dinner and you look back at me like I’m the only girl in the room, physically I am. Digitally I am not.

We’ve all been there, even you reading this now. We’ve all dated someone who wasn’t right for us but we loved them regardless because we see past the shitty things we don’t want to see when we are in love. Maybe it’s just lust and we get stuck there for a while.

“Hindsight, it’s a wonderful thing”, someone said to me very recently. We had been talking for a week and we met on the beach. It was a hot afternoon, I can still smell the salty air. He was so quiet and I was so very inquisitive wanting to know everything about him. We started seeing each other on the regular, he would come to my place and have dinner and sleep the night; only two weeks in of fucking and he said “I love you”. I laughed because it was such a perpostorous thing to say to someone... when you’ve just had sex and in a short period of time. I laughed and I said “I think you’re just cunt struck”... romantic, I know. I didn’t love him, I was in lust. It took me longer to return the feeling. I was more cautious, the previous man in my life left me standing at the airport after I told him I loved him after six months of dating - that shit shattered me and it’s made me hard. I take other peoples feelings into consideration, ultimately I am protective of my own because I don’t want to be hurt, again. But this one is different.

I remember sitting there talking to my housemate saying things like; “I don’t think he really likes me”, “what if he doesn’t actually like me”, “Do you think he’s into me?”, “I don’t think he’s really into me”, “I don’t think we would last”, “I think he’s just going to treat me like every other male has so far and is going to fuck me and then run” - hindsight. My friend assured me “If he didn’t like you, he wouldn’t be hanging around like he is, you just need to give him a chance”. I remember my eyes rolling into the back of my skull and saying “Yeah, righto, I’ll give him a chance”. I can’t be doubtful all my life.

The chance.

A couple of months in a friend messages me; “Are you still with him? Because he’s on Tinder? What’s happened?”, I think about it, he’s already told me he’s not on it. I confront him and he says he’s on it for a joke with a mate. Weird joke but okay. I accept it because I mean I struggle to take dating apps seriously. Eventually he asks me to move in with him, I did, I wanted to, I really like him. No I love him. We get into the rhythm of doing life together. He goes to work, I go to uni, we come home we watch a movie and eat dinner. We go to the strand on the weekends because I love the ocean and we like that quality time together when we’re both not working. Like any other normal night I go on the computer and I was so fucking tired - exhausted. He was working and I thought nothing of it. “Reload last session” - I reboot it. My eyes drooping while I get up to make my fourth coffee for the day so I can stay awake and work on my uni assessments because I had been researching earlier that day. I looked back at the computer with confusion, “This is not research”, I sat there and scrolled over the page - a webcam site. I’m confused and I look at all the tabs now open... all of them, webcam sites. I click on each one feeling my heart sink. Each one with a different name; “Omegle”, “Slut Roullette”, “Chaturbate” and several others I can’t remember the names of them. I remember seeing where the webcam should be connected and reading on the website “Your device has been blocked” Suddenly I’m awake. I message him “we need to talk when you get home”. I assess the dates and times of when he searched these sites and I look back at my diary to see where I was during these times. I carefully construct a collage of everything I’ve found - a literal power point presentation. Because I’m not going to approach a subject without proof. His Facebook is still wide open and I see a conversation between him and my co-worker’s boyfriend; “who’s tits in the background?” And his response “my mrs, ssshhh. I didn’t realise she was there”. I sit there staring at it for a bit and part of me felt frustrated; how could he be so wreckless and send a photo with me topless in the background. But I also decide against bringing it up because it’s just tits. I’ve been topless at parties before - but I guess back then I wasn’t as conservative as I am now, older and wiser that kinda thing. Whatever. I also find a conversation with him and some friends in a group chat “Oi I just got a blow job” followed by a detailed experience and I just kinda don’t think much of it because whatever. Guys are gonna talk to their mates and I suppose it’s the same for women? In my personal experience though I’ve only really talked about hook ups with guys to mates who were fucking shocking and a one off experience before I go AWOL on their ass.

He comes home after an all night shift and I’m sitting there at the table with my leg crossed over my other leg ready to begin a Spanish Inquisition. “What’s this?” I ask while staring at him for a direct answer. He sits down and he looks me in the eyes and he says “It’s a habit I had before I met you. I don’t know why I’m still doing it, I’ll stop”... I take a deep breath - how am I going to approach this. He’s 19 and hasn’t had a serious relationship before. I lay it out black and white and I say “Look, I get you’re young and you’re gonna go and look at weird shit on the internet because it’s a male thing and that’s fine, whatever, I don’t want to know about it. But I think it’s different if you’re on webcam sites as opposed to porn sites because you’re COMMUNICATING with other women therefore you have an intention”. He agrees that it doesn’t look good and says he’ll stop. A couple of weeks pass and we’re jokingly getting on each other’s phones and uploading Facebook status updates on each other’s accounts... I got on his phone and I noticed an app... Whatsapp... KIK... what’s this? I’ve never heard of it. I open them curiously and there it is in plain black and white... “got any pics?”... “I’m in the army”... “you’re cute”... he’s sent photos of himself, shirtless, naked, partially in uniform. I remember waiting for him to wake up from his nap. “Who the fuck is this?”, he looks at me confused “I don’t know”, “YOU DON’T KNOW? BUT YOU’VE SENT PHOTOS OF YOURSELF TO THEM? YOU’RE ASKING FOR PHOTOS OF THEM?”, he’s embarrassed, he calms me down and says “I’m sorry, this won’t happen again”.

The next time it happened I had been at work for five hours and my shift comes to an end, I pull my phone out of my bag and I have a message request on Facebook. I open it and see it’s some random girl from America messaging me, I open her message and it reads “Hey, I think this is your boyfriend?”, I open the photo sent to me from her and it’s his cock. I keep my calm and I say goodbye to my co-workers, I walk up the escalator and I get to the car, he’s sitting there waiting for me not ready for the shit storm I’m about to unleash as I rip the car door handle and the door flings open and he’s looking at me confused and I ask who she is. He sits there and tells me “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I don’t know who you’re talking about?” - I shove my phone under his face and I can see the look of panic and the colour draining from his face. His eyes wide. I slam the door shut in his face as he leans across to say “I’m sorry” and I run down the stairwell with my eyes red, tears flooding down my face. I get myself together after 20mins and find him still there. In the parked space. Waiting for me. I come back and get in the car and we go home. I walk ahead and get inside and I start to pack my things. Apologies upon apologies “I love you, I won’t do it again”. The next day he brings me a bouquet of roses to me at work telling me he loves me. This is the second time in my life I have ever received flowers from a guy. I accept them but there’s this sadness. I’m slowly starting to pick myself apart physically, I don’t think I’m attractive and that’s why he does it.

Things calm down and I don’t notice any odd behaviour. We move house and it gets worse. I catch him on KIK and Whatsapp another time and it starts to feel like collateral damage. I’m now sliding into depression. “Why does he keep doing it?”, “Am I a hard person to love?”, “Maybe I’m just the girl guys fuck and then move on to find the love of their life because that’s how it feels”. He goes on an exercise to Malaysia and I wait. I wake up in the early hours of the morning before he walks out the door and I hold him close. I don’t want him to go, I’m used to him being there. Everyday I sit by my phone. I want him to tell me he loves me. I want him to tell me he misses me. Nothing happens. I so desperately want him home but a small part of me starts to progress. I fuel myself with vegetables, chicken and water, I start going to the gym again. But emotionally I am exhausted. We start to fight. Oh how we fight. Fear has taken over me and I am terrified he is cheating on me. I don’t trust him, is he back on KIK? Is he back on Whatsapp? Suddenly... Why is his ex all the fucking way over there in the same fucking country near him and conveniently liking his photos on Instagram? - I confront him head on and he says “I don’t know, I haven’t seen her, she’s not near me”, “YeAh Ok”. The trust, it’s long gone. He tells me I’m being too much and breaks up with me via messenger while In a foreign country. I sit there and stare at it and I respond with “You can come home and say it to my face like a fucking adult”. I’m tired. Im physically sick. I’ve spent several hours vomiting in the bathroom with nothing to bring up. I’ve had two friends comfort me, one held me in their arms while I cried and cried and questioned “Why am I not good enough? Why does he always make me feel like this? Why am I always treated like a piece of shit by any male I date? Why is it always the same story?”. It’s late at night, he comes home from his exercise and holds me in his arms and this is where it really starts and he says “You turn everything into a fight and you pushed me to this point. I’m sorry, I love you, I won’t do it again”.

I struggle to be happy. Everything feels like it’s a lot of effort. Waking up in the mornings are hard and most nights I’m staring at my reflection in the mirror thinking about what life could be if he just cared because it sure felt like he didn’t. Being spoken to like I’m a piece of shit becomes routine I snap back and he tells me I’m putting him in a bad mood. But I still love him. I keep going, I persist. He said he would change, right? I catch him on KIK and Whatsapp again. This feels like the 600th time. Yet the conversation is the same. I get to the point where I am worn out; “Can we please just end this shit if you don’t want to be together because it’s killing me. You’re breaking my heart every time I catch you and you’re wasting my time”. He says he’ll stop and he still wants to be together. Of course I stick around because he said he would change and I love him and I’m clutching on to that ray of hope that he means it. I start to resent myself. I hate going out. I hate socialising. I keep my distance from male friends when we go out because I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. I’m too concerned to hang out with female friends because he starts asking me for threesomes with them and I keep saying no. Now I’m concerned he will try to fuck one of my friends so I keep my distance. Isolation.

We go out with his friends and their girlfriends are young and beautiful and I sit there resenting myself and I can see him looking at them. I see him looking at other girls when we are out - I know it’s a natural thing to do to look at someone else and admire them from afar when you’re in a relationship but this always felt like it was more, probably because I had already caught him multiple times messaging other girls. I pin myself into a corner and resent myself more for letting myself go. I feel hideous. I don’t feel good enough. He goes to his dental and physio appointments and tells me the nurses are into him. He pokes me for a reaction. He gets it. He starts to call me crazy.

He complains that he’s always broke and has no money, I tell him to apply for RA. He refuses to. I eventually do it for him because he asks me to, and a notification comes through to say that his payments for live on accomodation will be ceased... $213 a f/n. For three years he had been paying $213 a f/n while we were on a lease together for a room on base. RED FLAG RED FLAG ALARM BELLS. I ask him pointedly “Did you have a room on base you were bringing girls back to?” - “No I didn’t”. Logical me can see he was but I so desperately wanted to believe him. Frustrated me pointed out that the total wasted amount was close to a house deposit or a new car. I am mentally drained. My parents, my Aunty and a selected small handful of friends tell me to “stop parenting him”. “Stop being his mother”.

He goes away to see family on the Gold Coast and I’m anxious. I don’t trust him. Who is he really with down there? I call; “I’m just with dad doing this”, “ok”. I venture onto the computer now that he’s not here, he has 3 emails... I don’t know all of the passwords, so I’m a little crafty - I go to settings and venture in a little further and I reveal the passwords. I’m not completely stupid. I then begin to explore each email and I type in key words of alias names he’s used on chat sites, sure enough KIK and Whatsapp appear again. I type in key words like “dating” and “hookup” a website appears I start reading the email headings “Cinnamonxo has responded to your message”... I download the app, I click forgot password and I enter the email and I change the password on him. Because fuck him. I go into the app and I read the messages “are you available at 12.30pm?”, “blow job $50”. My eyes swell. Here we are back at square one. Where was at 12.30pm on that day? I look back at my diary - work. What am I doing. I call in floods of tears, here we go again to play the same game of him trying to lie his way out of a confrontation. Mentally I’m exhausted at this point. He says he didn’t follow through with it but I had already messaged her and received a response from her saying “I am so sorry, I had no idea he had a girlfriend, please know it was nothing personal, I’m just trying to earn some money” to which my response was “I know, I just wanted closure and confirmation, I’m not coming after you”. He came home and we fought. I wanted to know what he had really been doing down there on the coast because I didn’t trust him. He says just seeing family. Now I’m paranoid every time I go to work. This isn’t good. “what’s he doing? Who’s he with?”.

We make it through the years, there’s engagement parties, there’s weddings - these are friends I’ve had for years from my childhood. I ask him to come with me and be my date to functions and he says “No, I don’t want to go, just tell them I’m not feeling well” and he games for hours with headphones in. I go as my own date, my own rock, almost ready to have a mental break down. I just wanted a supportive boyfriend. The one engagement party we did go to he locked himself in the bathroom and bags out the night to a female friend who says “why go anyways”. They both swap photos of their bodies showing each other their tattoos and I’m agitated. The night is almost ruined for my friend and she yells at him to grow up and not to ruin her night, she takes me to the bathroom and comforts me. She asks me “what’s wrong?” And I cover his ass because I love him.

The conversations become the same. I start to see it for what it is and I start to want to break away. I tell him I think we aren’t working I ask him if anything is going to change and he promises it will. I’m defeated. We go out together and people can see it. They ask if I’m okay. I say “I’m fine”. Friends stop to talk to me at the shops and he walks away without saying anything or completely walks past and doesn’t stop to say hello. I’m wrestless and on edge and it’s a sick combination.

It’s my birthday and I’m turning 27, I have this overwhelming feeling I get when it’s my birthday. I always feel like I haven’t accomplished anything and I see all my friends engaged, married, kids, and in careers that they enjoy. I reflect a lot on my life and I know I shouldn’t compare it but I do. It’s even worse because I don’t feel loved. He’s asleep on the bed and I go onto the computer, I have a sinking feeling “What’s he done now? What am I going to find?”, I go into search history and I see the title “BBW Gives Blow Job”, I feel my eyes roll into the back of my head “won’t have sex with me but will go looking this shit up”, I grimace as I open it up. It takes me a moment to realise what I’m watching. His cock in some thing’s mouth. I feel like I’m going to be sick. I’m literally sitting there watching a homemade porno of him being deep throated by what I think is a male at first. I fly off the handle. He wakes up and is confused like he always is and I’m there yelling at him; “DID YOU FUCK A GUY?” my voice is loud and shrill and I’m almost certain the neighbours are listening. I’m distraught. I yell at him to get the fuck out of the house and to fuck off. I sit by the window and I watch him drive off, tears flowing down my eyes. I feel a deep sadness. Why do I keep putting myself through this. Why do I love him and why do I keep sticking around for someone like him. A friend calls me and comforts me. He comes home and we talk, I feel ready to punch a wall. He says he’s sorry and he cares and loves me and won’t do it again. I don’t know what to think. I know I should walk away but at the same time I think he means it.

I slowly start to reconnect with friends. I come forward and tell them what’s happening in our life, some of them cry and ask me why I’m still in the relationship and I say “because I love him and he said he wouldn’t do it again, and he would change”. Friends constantly tell me “He’s abusive as fuck, leave” and I let it ride out. I can only say I’ve had one positive relationship experience and even then he still left me. I just simply felt like this was all I would ever get in life, this would be the best relationship I would ever have and it would be the one I deserved. Because eventually he’ll change, right? Occasionally a male friend will message me and ask me how I am and he sees the messages and demands to know “do you want to fuck him?”... obviously I don’t because I’m in a relationship and I’m committed. There was so much he was projecting onto me from his own actions and I’m tired. I’m so old school, I don’t get in a relationship unless I want to be in it and then I’m in it for the long haul. I guess I was too proud and that’s why I wouldn’t walk away. I’m grabbing at the ropes and they’re sliding through my fingertips.

Weeks later again I find appointment times made during my work hours with prostitutes. We fight again. The neighbours are probably listening again and I’ve raised my voice for the I don’t know how many times in fucking pain. I blast him. I resent him. But I love him. He’ll change I know he will, because I love him and he told me he loved me and promised me again that he would. I call my Dad, a shrill of desperation in my voice as it breaks, he’s held me many times when I’ve broken down. He says “I taught you to walk away from men like this, I’ve always taught you better than this, you know this. Why are you still with him?” I sobbed and said “I love him”. My Dad reminded me “There is better out there and you will see it one day” I can hear his heart break through his voice when he talks to me. He just wants me to be happy. My Dad pulled him aside and told him to straighten up or leave. We always had the same conversation, I would always say “Please leave if you’re going to keep putting me through this shit because it fucking kills me, you’re wasting my time and breaking my heart” I feel like a broken record player at this point. And it was always the same response “You pushed me away, that’s why I did it, but I swear I won’t do it again, I’ll change, I love you”.

I was tired of being sex deprived a lot of the time, he rarely wanted to fuck me. Usually I’m a pocket rocket and will want to go every night but it was always the same “not tonight, I’m too tired”, “I’m not in the mood”, I was shafted aside for games and prostitutes. I asked the same questions throughout the relationship; “Is it because I’ve put on too much weight? Is it because I’m not fit like I was? Am I unattractive? Do you just not find me attractive anymore?” The response is always the same “No. You just fight with me all the time and it pushes me away and I go looking elsewhere, you need to see a psychologist, you need help. Everything with you is a fight”. It’s not. It’s the constant cycle of repetition. It’s the constant poor behaviour, me catching him out and being livid for weeks on end and then him pulling the same shit again. “You turn everything into a fight, you pushed me to this point, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again”. Humiliated I was booking appointments with doctors each time because I needed to be checked for STDs, thankfully nothing.

I was tired of being snapped at and spoken to like I’m trash, I retaliate and everything becomes my fault. I would be the joke. “She’s crazy” he would say to his friends in front of me while laughing but I had every right to be on the edge. He made me feel that way. I would threaten to speak up and he would panic - “I don’t want my friends to think any less of me, I don’t want to lose friends” he was conscious and well aware of his actions. He would look at old photos of me from when I was 18 and make comments like “I wish I fucked you when you were 18” and I would feel sick to the pit of my stomach, it must have been written on my face because he would back up his comment with “I’m just kidding”. The other comment was “I wish I had a girlfriend with tattoos” and I felt even more shitty because I felt like I wasn’t physically appealing enough.

I was so tired of constantly being the one that cleaned up. I did a lot in the relationship, a lot of background work, it comes with the territory of being the partner of a military man. Some days I would let the house go when he would be home because I thought “He’ll actually do something about it” and he wouldn’t. I would be stepping over dishes and becoming frustrated out of my fucking mind. His excuse was “I pay the bills therefore I don’t need to clean up” - like as if I didn’t put my fair share of effort in. So much pent up resentment. On nights he was coming home from field I would lay there in bed awake till late at night when he would come home and it didn’t matter if he smelt and looked like shit I still flung my arms around him and was always greeted with a grunt. It never overly felt reciprocated, but I also put it down to “he must feel stressed and tired”. Then for weeks on end I would stare at my reflection in the mirror with the light of his pc reflecting off of it while he was gaming and I would cry myself to sleep. He would tell me his parents thought I was crazy and that he had told them everything - which I highly doubt. I’m sure he told them I was nuts and I was clingy but I’m sure he skipped on all the details of him cheating on me constantly and telling me it was my fault why he did and why I had become so untrusting of him.

More weeks pass. I think we’re in a better place. I get on the computer and I’m curious; “Does he message girls on his gaming server?” I go looking. I guess the password. I’ve become good at this because everything is consistently the same. I’m not sure what the fuck this is. I’m not a gamer. I go looking through the channels, I have my quick eyes on and I’m skimming over conversations quickly. I finally find it “Hey, got any pics?” To three different “girls” and I have to sit there and say “you don’t know for sure if they’re actually women or what their ages are”. We play the same old game “You pushed me to this point, I’m sorry I won’t do it again”.

I never wanted to be this type of girlfriend. I never wanted to lurk around in his messages and be hurt time and time again. But it was the constant reasons he gave me to go looking. The look of panic on his face if I picked up his phone and hadn’t opened it. I knew then that something was there. Part of me would start to miss my ex prior to him, not miss him personally but miss the relationship we had. Sex every single night - but it never felt like a routine - always spontaneous, exercising together every afternoon, laughing together, watching movies together, going on dates, we never once looked at each other’s phones because we trusted each other, randomly slow dancing in the kitchen together, the feeling of being whole - people saw us together before we were dating and thought we were already together, we were 100% comfortable in each other’s company. I would compare it to what I had now in that moment and it would break me. I was constantly saying to him “Please do not waste anymore of my time, please let me move on. If we aren’t working can we please just end it” and he would always say “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again”. It was the same thing time and time again. I knew I always looked like a tired stressed mess. I would also start to think about every guy I had met and not given an opportunity to and I would feel like perhaps they would have been far more worthy of my time and love than this guy is - was.

For months he spends hours upon hours gaming and I’m ready to throw the computer off the balcony. I ask if we can do something “Can we go out?”, “Do you want to watch a movie?”, “Let’s go get dinner”, “let’s go see a movie” and the response was always the same “I’m tired, I don’t want to, I’ve already made plans with the boys you should have asked me yesterday”. And once he’s done gaming he runs out the door to spend time with them. We play happy family for social media, everyone thinks we are madly in love - at least they have it half right. I’m in love with him. He comes home we fight he goes to sleep on the couch and I blame myself for his shitty behaviour and I beg him to come back to bed.

For years I tell him everyday “I love you” before he leaves for work in the morning, before whenever I leave the house, before he leaves the house for anything, before he goes out field, when he’s having a shit day. I tell him I think he’s handsome almost every day. I’m grunted at or hear a “love you too” and it feels like an invisible bruise.

I go out to coffee with a friend and she’s introducing me to her baby, I love him - he cries and I put on Mozart and he’s out like a light - call me the baby whisperer. We’re friends from high school and we’ve known each other forever. She tells me I shouldn’t move, it’s a bad idea. Secretly I know it is too. I tell her I love him but if it doesn’t work at least I haven’t moved down there if I stay here a bit longer if he does something. She tells me she thinks he’s cruel, emotionally abusive and he’s wasting my time, silently I agree but I hold onto this tiny flame of hope that he will change. She says “You need a man, not a boy”.

The end of the year is coming and quickly and I have this streak of overwhelming anxiety because I know he’s moving. He’s posting away. We’ve agreed I’ll hang back till I can get a transfer with work or find something down there. I feel this burning sensation in the backs of my eyes for weeks. I desperately want to cry and beg him not to go but I know that will do nothing. He tells me “Don’t you cry”. He leaves and I’m watching out the window as he drives off with his dad in toe. Tears roll down my cheeks, deep down I have this feeling and it’s saying “He’s going to hurt you, he doesn’t love you. He’s going to leave you. He’s going to fuck another girl”. For two weeks I drink and then I start taking sleeping pills so I can knock myself out and have decent nights sleep, I’m too busy laying there staring at the ceiling if I don’t. I feel like I’m going crazy and I keep telling my friends “I don’t trust him, I’m so stressed out”.

The days they feel so much longer without him around. I’m trying my best. I’m still running errands, I’m holding down the fort, I’m feeding the dogs and taking them on walks, I’m bpaying all the bills on his behalf for him, I’m trying to call within the right times because of daylight savings. I call and he tells me “You need to ask me if you can call first, I’m busy”. Suspicions arise. “I shouldn’t have to, you’re on leave... I would if you were working but you’re not”. He lags in response to my messages and stops answering my calls. I can see him responding to friends messages and ignoring mine. I see him deleting messages to a friend and I question him - “You won’t like what he sends me”, I become aware and cautious. I’m hanging out with an old friend and I tell him, he asks me what my Facebook password is and I have nothing to hide. I pass it on. He tells me the next day he didn’t go into my messenger but I can see in my settings I’m logged into a Samsung S10 in Tamworth and I confront him. He says “that’s weird because I’m not” and I say “that’s weird because I don’t own a Samsung S10 and I’m not in Tamworth”.

I later go trawling through his messages and I see a message to his sister... “I’m sorry, I’m not coming to training this afternoon, I’m going to see a mate in Armidale, he’s posting away”... I message him and ask him what he’s doing and he says “having drinks with my sister”. I’m already very aware that this is a lie. I contact his dad because he doesn’t message me for a bit and I say “Hey, Is he still having drinks with his sister?” And his dad doesn’t respond. I go back into his messenger and I can see his dad messaging him “she’s asking me if you’re having drinks with your sister, what do you want me to tell her?”... you see I’ve already searched his messenger and there is no friend in Armidale in his messenger contacts. I did go into his Facebook and find a girls name consistently come up and she’s located in Armidale. I message him and I say “Can you please be honest with me for once”, he says “you’re not going to get much out of me my phone is on 1%”. I messaged again; “Are you in Armidale with another girl?”, I got no response. I go back to his messenger and I see him message his dad back “I know, I’m not talking to her, she’s being too much, just tell her I’ve gone to bed”. I wait for the message covering his son’s cheating ass - received. All I wanted was a straight answer. He messaged me the next day and said he was going to meet up with her and didn’t. It wasn’t until weeks later that I called his bluff and told him I had contacted her and she told me she had seen him... he said “Just because I hung out with her doesn’t make her a whore”. We talk some more and he calls me crazy again. He tells me he doesn’t love me and hasn’t for a while. I’m broken, I’m shattered.

I collapse on the shower floor, the hot water dripping down my body to soothe me. I’m crying, I’m sobbing. Lily; her eyes are so big and round, her brow furrowed with concern, she slowly approaches me looking at me and licks my hand. She’s been my biggest support, she’s my biggest companion. She’s always been there for me and has come to my rescue numerous times putting herself between me and our old dog that was sick and tried to attack me several times. She knows when I’m vulnerable. I’ve been so loyal, I’ve never cheated, I love him and I pour all my energy into him, why am I not good enough? Why am I never good enough? I feel like running a warm bath and taking one of his knives and dragging it along my wrists because I don’t want to have to deal with feeling these emotions, I’m not good enough. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough. I feel like it’s hard to breathe at times and all the walls are closing in, I panic and I’ll message a friend who says “it’s okay”. I want to be loved. I want a family in the future. I want a man who loves every part of me and who supports me in being happy and healthy. I want what many other people want; someone who is committed and doesn’t make me feel unworthy like I have felt over the last four years. I continue to lay there in the foetal position holding onto myself. I eventually stand up and I scream at the top of my lungs because I have so much pain, hurt and anger and that’s all I can manage because I don’t have that will power to kill myself. I’ve spent years looking beyond his flaws and seeing the good in him, because I love him. This isn’t right.

He leaves me with all his crap, two dogs, and to move house on my own, he says “I’m not leaving you to do everything on your own” but he does, and I do it with the help of three friends. The three friends they look around and say “He really did leave you to do everything”. I pack all his things into black plastic bags and I find his aftershave, I take a break and I lock myself in the bathroom and I sit down for five minutes and I open it up and smell it - that refreshing smell. I take a moment and I throw it into one of the bags. I find one of his t-shirts and I hug it, I can smell his deodorant on it and I cry because I miss him and I know that’s the last I’ll have to deal with the senses of knowing he’s there. I it also into a bag and I do it up, I don’t want to look at his stuff again. I want to wipe if from my mind, quite frankly I want to bin it all.

He messages me asking me questions and I tell him to sort it out on his own, deep down I just want to say “I miss you, I love you” but I hold my ground and keep it direct and civil because that would change nothing. I’ve been answering his beck and call for years, “I’m tired of having the same conversation” I tell him, he excuses himself and says he’s been working and to several different bases in two weeks so it’s not at the front of his mind, reluctant I tell him “That’s not my problem” I’m now trying to break away he’s a big boy and doesn’t need me telling him what to do, I’m not his mother. He tells me I’m being a smart cunt and I made an issue out of nothing. I don’t bother responding because I am so fucking exhausted of playing “Mummy” to a 22 year old adult male. Suddenly a sigh of relief: “Thank god we aren’t married”, “Thank god we don’t have kids” (the dogs are close enough), “Thank god we don’t own a house together”.

I go to my first therapy session and my psychologist is blunt. He’s a clinical psychologist. The kind of psychologist I like. We quit the lovely dovey warm crap and cut to the chase, he looks at me and says pointedly “Your depression scores are incredibly high, but I won’t put you on medication because I know it will hinder your career choice that you’re aiming for. I can see you’re hurting, I can see it in your eyes and I can see you’re tired. He’s gaslighted you for years, he’s a piece of shit. You’re progressing really well though, more so than the other people I see who are still stuck in those really depressive stages. Let’s figure out how to move you forward”.

I start doing life without him, I feel like how Ariel must have felt when she was standing on her own two feet for the first time, I feel like I’m 18 again and I just moved out of home and I’m learning how to adult at an accelerated pace again. I can walk the dogs with no complaints. I can do the grocery shopping without hearing the huffing and puffing in the background. I come home and I feel like I’m not walking on eggshells. I can do the laundry without having a rant at finding the wet clothes/sheets just dumped in a pile on the washing line or stacks of dishes laying around. If I don’t want something in my way in the house I don’t need to ask a 22 year old child to move it - because theres nothing there to move. He never remembered my birthday - 24/04/1992 the day before Anzac Day, every year... It’s not hard to forget. I’m laying in bed staring at the ceiling and I don’t feel like crying. At times I feel lonely then I remember how alone he made me feel when we were dating... and then other times I feel so much more alive than I did a couple of months ago. I don’t feel like the biggest piece of shit in the world anymore, I resented being asked “Do you want to fuck him?” whenever he saw messages from guys in my messenger literally asking me if I’m okay or how I am - because it made me feel like utter filth when I was so committed in the relationship. I’m finally moving on.

It’s been 5 weeks. Friends, they reach out because they care, I’m grateful, and sometimes I reach out to them because I’m panicking and having an anxiety trip - thank you for responding, I love you all. I’ve lost 9kg and on a mission to lose more and get my booty back. I’m looking to go back to roller skating. I’m applying as an RFS volunteer. I’ve brushed the dreadlocks out of my hair, I’m wearing make up and for the first time in 4 years... I feel human. I’ve questioned myself for years... “Am I not attractive enough? Am I shit in bed? Am I really that fucking horrible he has to go looking elsewhere?”... He never once told me he thought I was beautiful - in fact the one time he did it was because a friend told him to because I was having a really shit day, completely resenting myself and my weight gain... and I found the message from her to him, I suppose it was something I wanted to hear because he just kept hurting me and I felt like I was not attractive enough and that’s why he kept looking elsewhere. The more I reflect the more I become aware it’s a him issue. I’ve booked in for my next therapy session. I refuse to go back on a dating app. If I date someone I feel it has to be someone I already know or someone I have connected with. I’m cautious. I will love again because I won’t let this experience dictate the rest of my life. I know I will trust again but it will take time and patience, when the right guy comes along I know he will respect that. I feel less harsh on myself. But I’m finding it hard to love myself again but I know with time it will be easier. I’ll get back to where I was and I won’t look back. There are times where I sincerely wish I had cut the cord years ago rather than begged to just end it if the behaviour wouldn’t change and I would be filled with empty promises and nothing changed.

I swear if at any point in my life I ever have a son I will raise him to never treat a woman so disrespectfully, I will raise him to be honest and to not use their partner as a cop out excuse. If I ever have a daughter I will also raise her to be honest and to walk away from a trash partner before she begins a process of self loathing and unworthyness. If you’re in a relationship similar to this walk away now. Know your self worth, because I lost mine and it’s going to take what feels like forever to gain it back.

I love you; I love you for cheating on me and fucking right off out of my life so I can finally breathe, I can finally meet someone who will love me and show me respect and I will give them the same back. I love you for allowing me to have the opportunity to be healthy and happy again. I love you for allowing me to pour all the positive love I had for you towards someone new one day and I hope they appreciate it anot let it go to waste like you did. Here’s to 2020, and here’s to my new life.

PS. Here’s a direct message from me to you if the shoe fits; Hooroo and Go fuck yourself.

[ask-svt-hearteu]

Written Scenario Requests and Moodboard Requests are now OPEN!

Admin: Hello everyone!!! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR 2K FOLLOWERS!!!! We’re all screaming and after finally clearing all our old written requests and the dates from our 1k follower special, we will now open written requests again as well as open moodboard requests! Please keep in mind we will be adhering to our rules and guidelines for requests and will be listing moodboard request rules below. Also note that since all of us are in school, we may not get requests up right away, so if we get a lot we may choose to close them again until further notice, it all depends. Thank you all for your love and support again! <3

Moodboard requests:

either one member, ship or unit at a time

preferably tell us a color theme (like red, blue, black, etc.)

up to two colors per moodboard

or

tell us a theme

it can be something like “boyfriend aesthetic” or “inspired by the Jun soulmate au” or “based off svt’s song don’t listen in secret” or something like “autumn Soonyoung” as examples

Here’s an example moodboard: “Minghao couple nature aesthetic” 

“‘You said you like the sun, but when you go outside you find shade. You said you like the rain, but when it rains you use an umbrella. That’s why when you said you like me, I was afraid.’ The8 told me that.” -Junhui 

ALSO… If you guys wanna read it, here are some things the admin have to say^~^

Admin Soph: I'm honestly so proud of how far this blog has come. Went from a follower to an admin real fast  😂. No but really. I was freaking nervous when I sent in an application. I wanted to be a part of this blog to strengthen my writing skills (and love for Seventeen) and get to know the amazing people behind it. But I also didn't know whether I would be able to give you guys content that you all will like and deserve. AND I HONESTLY DONT KNOW WHY IM EVEN HERE HAHA.

And I just want to appreciate every single one of you. You guys are literally the sweetest bbys ♥️ ♥️ . My heart always warms up when we receive an ask and it’s for the admins asking whether we're okay and taking care of ourselves. I just want to cuddle you all in warm blankets and take care of you. And I'm saying this now if you guys ever have any problem and feel like talking to someone.Or if you just want to be friends. We're always here~ 

And on that note. To all the mutuals that I have had the chance to talk to. Y'all are amazing. I don't understand why you guys are still talking to me tbh. That's why you're all precious to me ohmygod 💞 💞 . Also, I'm sorry if I don’t reply much. IM A VERY INTROVERTED PERSON AND I ALWAYS MAKE SITUATIONS AWKWARD AHAHA. But if you guys want to talk to me about something, I’ll drop everything and talk to you. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU DESERVE LOVE AND I SHALL GIVE YOU LOVE IF YOU NEED IT  💞 💞 .

Imma write something for Jun too. Because I’ve been with this baby boy for a very long time. I love him so so much 💖 . There are times where I want to fight him. And there are times where I just want to bubble wrap him and protect him. Literally makes me go through different emotions in one day. But mostly it’s the feeling of happiness. Jun is a big reason as to why I'm slowly loving myself. With him being a funny confident dude, I found out that I can be like that too. And ever since I did, I have been feeling nothing but happiness and I want to thank him for that. I hope I will be able to meet him someday and tell him what a wonderful human being he is.

Now to the amazing and beautiful admins. Imma write something for each one of you but first and foremost I just want to say that ya’ll are precious to me. I might not talk a lot and barely reply in the gc (iM SOWI I WILL CHANGE THAT I PROMISE HAHA). But know that you guys have a very special place in my heart. And that's beside Seventeen. Been only a few months and I'm very thankful that I met yall. You guys are like my family at this point and I wanna keep it at that even after this blog.

Now onto Jess. My fave Joshua stan no joke. LOOKS LIKE AN ANGEL AND HAS A VOICE OF AN ANGEL I SWEAR SHE’S PERFECT FOR JOSHUA FIGHT ME. Literally the sweetest human being. Even though she’s older than me, I want to protect her ohmygod. I love Jess very much. You guys don’t even know. She is very nice. I don’t know how she is able to keep that image tbh. She is also very VERY HARDWORKING. I want to freaking start a petition for Jess to rest. It amazes me how she copes with all this school work and with this blog. And man if you ever need someone to coo about Joshua, Jess is that person. She is so whipped in love with Shua. And with Jun second on her bias list and with Joshua on mine, we both basically die because of Junshua. 

Meagan is next!! Meagan is literally the definition of aesthetic . Literally from her fashion style and her freaking bullet journal. And her bias is aesthetic himself asdfghjk. And also her writing style. I adore her writing very much. And I literally asked her for writing advice HAHA. She is a very soft-hearted person. And a very good person to ask advice from. Like I would definitely go to her if I ever have a problem. sHE IS ALSO VERY PRETTY????? LIKE HER INSTAGRAM MAKES ME QUESTION MYSELF. LIKE SHE IS SO DAMN PRETTY I DONT UNDERSTAND HAHA. Also how she is able to converse with everyone amazes me. Overall an amazing older sister for me  💖 I love ya Meagan~

And lastly my fellow youngling Seri. I just want to point this out now. If anyone dares to fight Seri, I’ll be there. This person right here is very precious. And I will fight to keep it at that. You can tell that I love her very much. She is near my age so it’s very comforting for me to have someone close to my age. Also her love for Soonyoung is the cutest thing. Whenever she and Meagan talk bout Soonyoung and being whipped for Soonyoung I just can't. So adorable. She is also very beautiful. He makeup skills are on point. Like please teach me, I'm a potato HAHAH. And can we just talk about how cute her name is? Seri is so goddamn adorable. Just like her.

Amazing that even though we live in different timezones, we will always find time for each other. I love these peeps very much. And I'm thankful for Seventeen for helping me find them.

Pretty long but oh well. This happens when you make the quietest person talk HAHA. But seriously, you guys mean everything to me at this point. Like I feel safe knowing that I have 3 angels watching over me. And I just want you guys to know that I also have your back. Hope our friendship will strengthen as years go by  💖 💖. And to our dear followers, please stay sweet. We’ll always love you. And Seventeen loves you guys too. Let’s make more memories together~

Admin Meagan: Tbh, when I applied to become an admin for this blog I really didn't think I would actually be picked. But look at me now AHAHAHA. I'm so so glad that I became an admin for this blog because it combines two things I love. Writing and seventeen.

I don't think you guys know how much I enjoy writing something and seeing how much people liked it as well. Especially when you guys send us direct compliments in our ask box. I don't think you guys know how much we coo in our admin group chat about the sweet stuff y'all send to us sometimes 💓

To the mutuals I've made from this blog, thank you so much for talking to me. I'm a pretty social person and I enjoy talking to anyone so thank you for that. And I enjoy the stuff y'all reblog as well AHAHAHAHA you guys are amazing and tenks for being a friend.

Honestly, Seventeen has undeniably made me happy. From listening to their songs when I'm mad to calm down to being an emotional wreck during Diamond Edge. I truly care about the boys and this blog made me love them even more. Also, I want to give a little shout out to my ethereal star, Kwon Soonyoung for literally brightening up my day all the time ✨

Thank you for being my ult bias and being extremely cute. You mean a lot to me for sure. Onto our beloved admins, firstly Jess. Y'all don't know how amazing she is. She's immensely smart and so caring. In these past few months of being friends, she's definitely a kind-hearted person and it really shows through. From listening to my past boy drama (like literally, I sent her voice messages and it was like 1-2am for her I'm,,,) to her giving advice to me. She's truly a gem and like an older sister <3 Also guys, she's really pretty!!! Even though she denies it :p and also a good singer!

Next is, Seri!!! Firstly, Seri is exceptionally funny, I swear the things she says sometimes in the group chat is hilarious. Also, she's sooooo good at makeup y'all and hella stunning as well. I always go to her for tips and we always share our makeup of the day with each other AHAHAHAHA. Seri is so kind and such an amazing support system and you can literally talk to her about anything AHAHAHAHAHA. I truly appreciate her being a friend <3 and the fact she stans hosh as well hehe

And to our maknae! Sophia but we always call her Soph. The best Jun stan I've met in my life. A creative little fellow and she also dances!! And also gives me tips for dance because I'm literally a stick AHAHAHAH She's so cute as well!! And such a caring bean <333 Also she likes attacking the rest of us with pictures of our biases 😂 Need a span of Joshua?? Soph is always ready lmao

Y'all mean a lot to me and I can't believe the amount of support I've gotten from all of you for a lot of things. From picking outfits to fangirling with me during my concert. I honestly don't mind opening up to y'all which I don't often do at all. I really like how you guys are always there and whenever one of us is down or have some tea to spill, everyone is on board AHAHAHAHA.

I seriously love all the admins so much because they are friends that I cherish quite a lot. I cannot wait for the day we all can meet somewhere and just hang out together and just have fun, heh 💓 We really need to start skyping with each other and pls one day come to Malaysia!!! I'm gonna bring you guys around for good food and photoshoots!! (I take really good pictures if I say so myself, if you wanna see them. Message me for my Instagram AHAHAHAHA)

Most importantly, thank you to literally everyone who've read our work and enjoyed it, to those who reblog and heart our stuff; thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️ And to our readers I've personally talked to personally, y'all are really cool and tenks for talking to this nerd lmao. I can't wait to see this blog grow even more and to experience new things with seventeen and you guys. Love y'all 

Admin Seri: first THANK YOU, for making it this far >< 

Wow, well I’m speechless, honestly I’m not even sure what to say, so i apologize in advance how unorganized this ESSAY is about to be. 

First, i’ve always been curious on writing scenarios like this, and i definitely think I was good enough. So any thoughts of running a blog was like, jumping off a cliff, it was best to keep it out of mind. Me and Jess, met through an online groupchat that I seriously never thought would lead to this. Funny thing, I was on vacation,  when I joined, one-two weeks after Jess made the blog. With all of my curiosity of what it was like, I was kind of bored and wanted to give it a shot. Legit I expected like 500 followers after like, a year? NEVER did i think we’d have 2000 after 5 months. like WHAT. 

To Seventeen, the talented, amazing dorks, where my vocabulary is not big enough to describe them. aside from the fact I love, adore, and admire them very much, (if i stayed here and talked about  they are a team with a lovely team backing them up. CARATSSSSSS ;))) without Seventeen, there would be no blog, and with no blog, i wouldn’t have met the three other amazing admins, other tumblr mutuals, and our amazing readers ^~^ .  

First to Soph, I- just know she is adorable, that’s all, the cutest freaking Jun stan ever. she’s only a feel months younger than me but i feel like im a grandma with all the energy she has because she’s on a dance team and how tired I am all the time. i’m thankful i get to wake up to her spam of pictures also :’)  honestly rip to her storage, :’) let’s keep together lovely! US MAKNAES SHOULD STICK TOGETHER!!! ;) our own lil maknae line leggoooo ;) <3

Meagan my fellow hosh stan, oh my god she is actually my aesthetic, from bullet journaling SHE IS AMAZING, to makeup I LOVE TALKING ABOUT MAKEUP (someone who can actually deal with that because my obsession is bad hehe) she’s gorgeous and i feel blessed to find a friend like her, (not because of her connections in Malaysia or something COUGH) im jp ;) she’s just someone i can always ask an honest opinion from, and im thankful for that <3

Then Jess, I’m trying not to tear up right now and I honestly don’t ever cry unless I’m watching a TV show, honestly. she’s been here from me through and through and our friendship feels a lot longer than five months. I already know our friendship will last even when we one day will sadly have to end the blog :’), and i’m ready to meet because im planing this trip already like LETS GO LET KOREAN BBQ bc proud foodie right here, hell any of the admins. this is gonna sound so mushy oh god but i feel i’ve grown and learned so much from her and she never makes me feel stupid for asking a question. moving on, GUYS OUR CONVERSATIONS ARE ACTUALLY GREAT LIKE AFJFOLAENGV on of the more memorable ones is when she introduced me to that song, YES JESS YOU KNOW. and most importantly, thank you for being my mom and just being there for me , because im truely thankful for that <3

TO OUR FOLLOWERS, there’s 2000 of you guys WHAT, welcome to our craziness and thanks for sticking around! I’d love to get to know you guys so don’t be scared to message me @bloatedboo !! i’m not great with words but know every single one of you guys are in my heart whether i know your name or not. <3

Admin Jess: Brace yourselves, I have lots to say😂.

First off, if you had asked me if I had expected to hit 100 followers let alone the 2,000 followers we have now when I first started this, I would have laughed. It is a bit of a crazy number to wrap our heads around, but I’m insanely grateful and I might actually start crying. This whole thing started off as simply a hobby, something I could use to vent my love for the 13 boys that have my heart, but it became so much more after a while. It almost didn’t happen too, just like our beloved soulmate series, everything came down to being in the right place at the right time and having everything line up perfectly before the hard work and passion kicked in haha. I’ll state my thanks here so that I can get it out in words rather than tears. I won’t get too much into how when I started this blog with Seri, I was not in a very happy place. But that’s not the important part. The thing is I met incredible people through this blog and learned many things. I learned how to not let every criticism and mean comment get to me, and rather to learn to grow and try to do the best I can. Nothing brightens my day more than hearing I made people smile, there’s nothing else I’d rather do with my time:) ahem now for my thanks (and yes I’m going to thank Seventeen bc I’m hella extra)

Seventeen have made me v v happy and continue to do so to this day. While I may declare my love and hatred (jokingly) and say I’m unstanning, I really love all 13 boys with all my heart. All the admin have talked about it, but when we’re writing for them or answering asks, they don’t seem like just idols to us. They’re friends who love each other, real genuine people who are beautiful inside and out. I’d like to thank them for just being them, for bringing a smile to my face whenever I feel down. Honestly so sappy and cringe but true nevertheless. I love Svt a whole lot <3

Joshua, EXCUSE ME AS I GET HELLA EMOTIONAL I CAN’T JUST WRITE TWO SENTENCES ABOUT THIS GUY;&:9;$2. So I’ll try to keep it short. Joshua, I am the most grateful to him for his undying love for his friends, for his hard work at always being the best person possible, and for genuinely making me smile. He’s the kind of person I want to be, someone who is kind-hearted and tries his very best at everything he does and ilhssm.

I can feel myself tearing up woohee this is going great. I’d like to thank the many internet friends and mutuals I met, through this blog. Initially I had simply wanted people to fangirl with svt about and I got so so much more. There is a moment I remember distinctly 2 weeks ago, I had been really stressed about my slew of tests and I had maybe gotten 20 hours of sleep in the entire week and had told my friends in real life but also my internet friends (you know who you are and ily) and I was bombarded with messages of support from everyone in the morning and I dead af kid you not sat and cried because how did I deserve such amazing support and friends. People who had never seen me before were genuinely concerned about my health and mentality and nothing nothing made me cry more than just the sheer amount of support I got. I had mentioned in our admin chat how I regretted not doing enough due to exams and my bb’s legit were screaming at me to sleep and that it’s ok and everything will be ok if I didn’t answer everything right away and just focused on me and it’s prob one of the moments in my life that I felt the most support and love ever. and so that takes me to my few final thanks….

Soph, okie hands down my favorite Jun stan I’m sorry everyone, I love Soph lots omfg. She’s so talented!!! I’m living for the day where she kills me with her dancing just as Junhui does to all of us, I can’t imagine how hard it must be to learn svt and bts choreo and run this blog lmao. Soph, I love how you hype Josh with me and how we all suffer together when we send svt pictures and honestly thank you thank you thank you so so much for being not only an admin but a valuable friend.

Meagan, I can always count on her to send me pictures of Joshua on Instagram and I love her lots too. I love how despite living 16 hours apart, we can still have conversations about boy drama (no not svt lmao svt wouldn’t do us dirty like boys irl) and fangirl about Josh and svt and just everything. She’s incredibly talented too, her writing and she’s so pretty I die. Meagan, I love how I can say something and count on you to talk about it, it’s beautiful and fun, thank you so so much admin and friend.

And finally, I’d like to thank Seri. Seri has been with me on this rollercoaster of a ride since the very beginning. I found it incredible how the two of us just *clicked* ya know? She’s the type of friend who says one thing and two hours later, she and I are both dying from laughter on the ground in stitches. I’ve never genuinely laughed more than some convos I’ve had with her. I’m also surprised she has yet to hear me screaming at her from across the country, I’m pretty sure I’m loud enough that she could hear me. She’ll prob forever be my aegi whether she likes it or not and while I honestly don’t know how much longer I’ll stan svt, I do hope that our friendship can far outlast our time together here on the blog (plus I swear imma buy her plane tickets somehow so we can go to an svt concert together or disneyland before I die). I’ve ranted to her lots and I complain to her lots but she never tells me I’m annoying and for that, I’m also thankful XD. I think I have learned quite a lot from her, including how to have thicker skin and I love her so so so much. Seri, thank you for everything lovely, let’s continue growing as friends and people together ^~^

Final remarks, I think what has always drawn me to svt is just the sheer comradery and love they have for each other. It’s undeniable they’re family to one another. I had always been somewhat jealous of their adorable friendships and funny chemistry. But as I look back on it now, I found my own sort of svt, in the people, friends, and stories I interact with everyday here, and for that I can only say thank you.

#WE HIT 2K #IM SHOOK #LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU GUYS #admin seri #admin jess #admin soph #admin meagan #admin note #not ask svt #not ask svt related #BUT ALDFALOVKNLENOR #you guys im crying #2k followers #thank you #ask seventeen hearteu #requests open

[nothing-but-kpop-dreams]

Mark Is Acting Weird (3/?)

Genre: Angst (Mark x reader)

Summary: In the middle of his tour, Y/n notices that Mark had been more distant and not really acting like himself and she doesn’t know why.

Word Count: 1680

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 7.5 / Part 8 /  Rest of parts

Sorry for any errors.

*not my gif

You had your hopes up of their return being in the morning as planned, but unfortunately their flight was delayed and you had to suffer another few hours without Mark, your boyfriend of two years. With the new plan in action, it was now the evening and you were waiting for the seven boys in their dorm.

Because you were who you were, you couldn’t help but arrive earlier than planned, keeping yourself busy by cleaning up a few things and playing with Coco. When the hour came near you waited “patiently” by the door. It had been three months without Mark and you just wished he allowed you to pick him up at the airport, but since you two were still a secret, you knew better than to go against his decision.

“It’s 11:04! They said they were going to be here at 10:30, what is taking so long?!?” you whined. You threw yourself off the couch and let out an ugly sigh.

Literally within a minute you heard the door knob fidgeting and you jumped back up and ran to open it.

You were greeted by seven smiling yet exhausted faces. “Y/n!” they all cheered, except for Mark, who shouted “Babe!” as he ran to you.

Mark practically tackled you down with a hug and his lips crashed into yours. On normal circumstances neither of you had this much pda in front of the rest of the boys, but considering that these last three months felt like three years, you couldn’t care less.

All the boys gagged at the two of you, “Eeeeeeewwwwwwww!” “Agh my eyes!” “Get a room!”

“Shut up!” Mark laughed. “You’re all just jealous cuz you all don’t have girlfriends!”

“YoU AlL doN’t hAVe gIrlFriEndS!” Jackson mocked. “Whatever! Just let us say hi to y/n already!”

You gave Jackson a hug first. Being as extra as he was, he spun you around before he let you greet the others only to hug you again when you finished your round of hugs.

The boys were all tired and the excitement of being home died down once they all dispersed into their rooms to unpack (more like fall into their beds).

You stood by Mark’s bed, sorting out his packed clothes that needed to be put away or sent to the wash. “Babe, why don’t we go back to your place. I want to show you the stuff I got you and I know that if I lay down, I aint gonna get back up again.” He whispered into your ear, hugging you from behind.

“But you’re tired. I am sure you will be happy in your own bed.”

“I’d be happier if you were in my bed with me.” You could feel him smirk as he kissed your neck

“Guys.” Yougjae’s sleepy voice broke the two of you out of your bubble.

With a blushed face, you peered back at him. Youngjae stood at the doorway holding coco in his hands, having followed her into the room. “I love you both, I really do but the last thing I want to overhear is you guys flirting and it leading to something very mentally scarring…Y/n for all of our sakes, take that boy home with you” he requested.

-

“I see you haven’t changed the place a single bit.” he smiled as he looked at the picture of you the two you kept on your coffee table.

“Wow, how tired are you that you didn’t notice the new couches you were sitting on?!?” you laughed. “Aw, baby you are too tired!” you cooed as you gave him a small peck.

“Hm” he hummed with a smile, feeling your lips on his “Wait.” He whined pulling you back and kissing you again when you kept the first kiss so short.

Unlike how he usually kissed you, nice and slow until it got heated, he now went straight to the deeper kisses, not really giving you a chance to catch up. He pushed you back on the couch, getting on top of you. His lips moved down your neck and his hand went up your shirt. He slipped it off you and you helped take off his sweater, but then you came to your senses. “Mark, wait!” you said with a labored breath.

He didn’t stop and you had to tell him again, which thankfully he listened. “What is it?” he asked looking down at you

“You are moving too fast. I don’t want this to lead to anything, not yet.”

He lowered himself back down on you, this time kissing you more gently. “C’mon babe, let’s just do it already.”

“Not yet, I want to wait. Remember?”

“But it’s been two years!” he argued

“But you agreed we would wait till we were married.” You threw back at him. “You promised me.”

“Ugh fine.” He sat back up with a tense jaw.

You grabbed your shirt and moved up to him. “Look, Mark I get it. I really want to also but-“

“Shhh, just give me a second” he said soft but sternly. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down

You stayed quiet, simply putting your shirt back on until he was ready to talk again

He looked back at you with a look you couldn’t describe. “If you want to wait, then we will wait.” He practically groaned.

You gave him a peck. “Thank you”

“Yeah… yeah ok”

There was a silence between the two of you and you knew things were still not right. “Mark?”

“Hm?”

You scooted closer to him “Are you mad at me?”

Now he looked confused. “What?”

“The last few weeks or so you have been distant with me. You’ve never been than distant with me before and then suddenly you get back and it’s like… well more pda than when you usual. Most of the time when you get back you aren’t this affectionate. It’s all out of character… And because of what happened right now… Are you mad that we haven’t had sex yet?” You finally had the courage to bring up.

He looked away from you, staring into space for a long time. The fact that he didn’t say anything didn’t make you feel better.

“…Why don’t I show you the gifts I got you?” he asked entirely avoiding the topic

“Mark” you began sternly. “just tell me.”

He ignored you, getting up from couch, not bothering to put his shirt back on. He grabbed the backpack he left by your door and placed it on the coffee table.

“Mark.”

Still he ignored you. He opened up the bag and started unloading it.

You let out a disappointing sigh. “Mark”

“Y/n, I really don’t want to talk about this right now. It is already late and right now I just want to give you your gifts and then we go to bed!”

“Ok fine” you said softly.

He ran his fingers through his hair. “Ok” he mumbled. “Um let me just, uh, show you now.” Finally, he looked back at you. He reached into the bag randomly pulling out a velvet box. “This is a gold necklace I got from Malaysia. I felt it matched that gold bracelet I got you last year.”

You opened the box. It was a thin gold chain with cute little pendent. The fact that it was gold is the only thing that would make it match the bracelet he was talking about, but it was the thought that counted and it was still a beautiful necklace. “It’s so pretty, thank you” you said softly still sensing his frustration.

He let out a yawn as he pulled out a folded up blouse. “I got you this in Hong Kong. I hope I got the right size.”

You took the shirt and opened it up. It was a simple low cut white blouse with “I *heart* HK” on it. You held it against you to compare the size. “Um, it’s a size too big… but don’t worry I am still going to wear it.”

He pulled out another shirt from the backpack. “I got you this shirt from Japan because it has bad English on it and I know those always make you laugh.”

You opened up the black t-shirt to read “Today will be yesterday” in big letters. “Oh my- you can’t be serious!” you laughed “They were actually selling this? Like a legit stand and all?”

“Ha, yeah. There were other shirts that had grammar errors but this was the funniest”. He went back to the backpack again. “This next gift isn’t actually from me. It is from Momma Bam.” He pulled out a small box and handed it to you.

In the box was a cute pair of silver earrings. “These are so pretty!” you squealed. “Agh, remind me to call her tomorrow and say thank you. I really miss her! Next time Bambam goes to Thailand, I am going to hide in his suitcase to go see her!”

“Well good luck with that plan… ok, last gift, I know you were mad at the giant maknae for breaking your pair of beats, so when I was in Singapore I bought you a red pair.” He said as he pulled out a box of headphones.

You sat next to him with an armful of gifts, each of the ones he got you had a thought behind it and you couldn’t help but feel a bit guilt for saying he was acting so weird. You had just been overthinking his actions when all this time he was probably legitimately really tired and busy, but he was still thinking about you.

You slid your hand in his. “Thank you for all this stuff, I love them.”

He kissed your hand and pulled you into a lazy hug side hug. “I’m glad you do babe.”

By now his tension was gone, but you could he sleep getting to him. It was probably best to let the whole topic go and just let him get some rest. “C’mon baby, let’s go to bed.”

-Admin Boat

#got7 #kpop scenarios #got7 scenarios #kpop texts #got7 texts #mark #jackson #bambam #jb #jinyoung #yugyeom #kpop reactions #got7 reactions #kpop angst #angst #got7 angst #mark angst #mark tuan #youngjae #got7 mark #jackson wang

[amiraxbdullah]

hello tumblr!  well we’ve missed alot but okay. i’ll try to remember wht had happen over th last few months. 📌 first thing first, i got (finally!)married to th (real)LOML on th 211219! alhamdullilah! #theWanforMira is finally halal! --- th wedding went well and smoothly on both sides, thanks to our family, groomsmen and bridesmaids. we had 3 beautiful outfits as per picture by my dream bridal, With Love Yumi and i was beautified by kak hidayah. i had a beautiful decor by SID, superb delicious food by my mak. it was a memorable day we(or atleast i) wont forget. i got S to dance for my hadang. not only tht, he had his groomsmen to dance along too, not to a song, but 2 songs! heheh, i was literally smiling ear-to-ear when i saw him dance for th first time. it was so cute, i cant! i wanted to cry cos i knw he wouldnt do such things yet, he always suprises me. sigh. i love this gem 💎

📌 routinely, whoever get married, will head over for their honeymoon right? so did we. ours was a secret destination(to our family) until we were sent off by our them(which was quite a surprise, cos it was a Monday) & friends. i was a lil too attached to adam, so i cried when i left him. --- anw, our honeymoon was @ TURKEY! we went for 12days! 3nights at Cappadocia & 6nights in Istanbul! before all these, pls consider us having an almost 24hrs flight + stop over at dubai. (then i realised i have a pimple at my groin. applied acne patch and okay, lets sleep till next flight)

📌 CAPPADOCIA: we came here for th same reason others would, their hot air balloon! arrived at nevsehir airport, safely and frozen! yup, cos we were just in sweater and jeans! thank goodness we got our self airport service and they’re just in time! lucky us, he let us rest in th van first(warmer: on). phew! and yes, being asian, we’re very foreign to th weather and super amazed tht cold air came out of our mouths. hehehe. also, glad we took airport transfer cos th route to th hotel was dark and took us 30mins to reach.

1st day, arrived at hotel, Henna Konak Hotel. got checked in, chill(cos jetlagged), we had our dinner and bam, we had our sleep. oh wait, no. im missing out an important part. so remember th pimple? yup, i remove th acne patch and put plaster which i bought from their local shop. it was a cloth-material ya, not th typical elastic waterproof kind. chop-chop, we slept it off and next morning. checked email: tour for hot air balloon was extended to tmrw as to a bad weather. it was very windy and very cold. {pimple check: a lil redness seen, swelling a lil} weather checked: 4-5°C

2nd day - woke up for breakfast and ever ready for our tour! so showered, remove my plaste---- checked email: TOUR CANCELLED DUE TO WEATHER. MONEY IS REFUNDED. very devastating  😭😭 long story short, we’re aimless roaming for souvenirs, finding for alternative tour since hot air balloon is cancelled! explore places to eat and enjoy watching alot of stray dogs and munchkins! hehehe theyre so adorable i wanna chew them, okie im not sadist. {pimple check: --- (I ACCIDENTLY PULL MY SKIN AND TEAR IT WHILE I WAS REMOVING TH PLASTER) yes O-U-C-H! moving on, i applied pantyliner over th pimple cos now it looks like a pus. EWW. swelling got bigger.} weather checked: 2-4°C

3rd day - we have been having cappadocia breakfast and enjoying every bit of it. we literally had fruits and mains for breakfast. so we got a tour. normal museum visiting, history knowledge and S bought me an onyx ring which (super)pretty! it changes color depending on light! heheh as a souvenir too! and, we did ATV! first time for me cos S did ATV bfr, so he got th hang of it. we were fetched and sent to another place for it. as we travelled, it gets colder despite th warmer in car. random weather check, it was -2°C umm okie, reached destination > briefed on ATV > chose our helmet(i chose a helmet tht has no face shield) and leggo! as we drove, im getting a hang of it and enjoying it until, i increased my speed as my trainer was way ahead and thts when, i got snow slapped! it was a cool experience also.. unforgettable. cos initially it was drizzling, little did we knw, it was snowing. we were starting to freeze. and bummer us, we left our phone in th ATV-house. lucky we had a nice trainer, he had our shot taken by his phone.  {pimple check: now, i have to stretch bfr i even do anything, just so my groin is “seasoned” and also cos im limping a lil.} weather checked: 1-3°C

4th day: to summarise our cappadocia trip, we enjoyed th company of new people. met new friends. l learnt how to ride ATV. we have a valid reason to come back for hot air balloon. sad to leave as it starts to snow. Cappadocia will be missed! checkout > head to airport. {pimple check: swelling gets worst. pus is eliminating itself, causes mess. redness got worst too, signs of infection. limping not getting any better too.} weather checked: FINALLY IT SNOWED! -1 - 1°C

📌 ISTANBUL: okay nope, not gonna do th day-by-day thing again. haha, im gonna summarise it. cos, i didnt really enjoy my istanbul trip, except we could sightseeing, explore museums, food(kunafeh all day, everyday!) and met Aysenur! she is my bestfriend’s(Nad) friend! while my biggest highlight was our stay for a week @ Yasmak Hotel & my infected pimple. Yasmak Hotel was 11/10! really, their customer service was 110%! their breakfast was always lit! okay, its lit for us cos we’re asian? hahah. but really, we would go back to th same hotel and definitely diff itinerary. i’ll post pictures in my next post from my honeymoon! wait ya!

📌 CORONA TIME. period. no attachments, hence 2mths holiday! wooo! 📌 we were suppose to celebrate S’s advance bday in Bangkok. plans cancelled due to covid(corona virus disease 2019). so we change to KL, well better than nothing. guess Hes th best planner above all. Malaysia had lockdown. so no ones entering in or exitting out. OK. so staycation it is. 📌  2mths ends in 2days, tht means school start! yes. FINALLY, I’VE BEEN ROTTING AT HOME. okay no, school had to be on hold, so everything do online, okay. lets zoom! summary of my 2months @ home, i did cooking, i learn to cook new dish, housechores all day-everyday cos sis is staying at in laws. hehe. okay bye! love, mira.

#thewanformira