#I tried hard not to ramble about other stuff bc I am so bad at staying on track klsfj

[manasurge]

🌸 🤫 😆 for beloved Mourynn?

;v; <3<3 🌸 - Would they like getting flowers from their partner? ABSOLUTELY. I'm not sure if it's something Caithe would do personally (so I'm headcanoning things), but Mourynn absolutely would. Also considering the Sylvari in general, I like to imagine that this is a lot more of a normal and culturally ingrained ritual of sorts that varies in degree from person to person. In this case though, I like to imagine that they sometimes casually pluck flowers from their travels and place them on each other (slide into hair, etc), or when they send letters to each other.

Also if it was possible (not sure if she can grow them back or if they remain stationary on her, but I'm going to pretend like she can have a minor ability to grow her own blooms), Caithe giving Mourynn one of her Crystal Blooms would be a very intimate gift, same with Mourynn giving Caithe one/some of her Mourning Glories (actually I already have it where she has a secret garden where she's trying to cultivate flowers to resemble Caithe's Crystal blooms to give to her as a gift as a personal side project that she's been working on for a while). Tbh I might yoink this as a stupidly sappy marital exchange between the two of them (since Sylvari don't really have wedding ceremonies, so it's this instead of rings), since both of those are distinctive flowers that are unique to both of them, so both of them giving each other their signature flowers would be very symbolic <3

🤫 - What’s the silliest secret they have? She's always wanted to be a judge of the Fanciest Cat Competition.

😆 - What kind of laugh do they have? UHMm I'm not actually sure, I've never been good at describing this sort of thing alksfd. I feel like her laugh would vary based on the situation though lksjfs.

#asks #mourynn #caithe #sflksfj #I failed on the last question 😔 #laughing that the last two answers are so short compared to my first one lksjf. #I tried hard not to ramble about other stuff bc I am so bad at staying on track klsfj #ty for the asks as always Lynx ilu ;v; <3

[welcometogrouchland]

We're so fucking back guys

#ramblings of a lunatic #back to usijg this app as my diary bc writing in my actual diary is hard and I don't do it. also i keep losing my pens :( #anyway i was having a category 5 moment about how I'm a bad person friend artist etc w/ no talent who'll leave no mark on the earth #anyway then i picked up a guitar and found a new chord progression and i think i fixed my brain #at least for the foreseeable future #I'd still love to skip class tomorrow in order to finish my essay but i think I've just decided to compromise #I'm gonna go to class. but my ass will not be taking notes #if they're gonna space all my assignments within a week of each other and not get back to me about my extension requests #then i am <3 simply not gonna do all the other stuff they want me to do <3 I've tried for years but i really am not a multitasking boy <3 #anyway. not doing so hot these past few weeks due to school and the state of things #and I don't have a lot of solutions for the everything rn #but y'know. I'm seeing a movie this week. and I'm gonna have an arcade battle as well. and I'm gonna do my best to enjoy those things #sometimes i forget the deep effects of my catholic education. The Guilt. and whatnot

[islandofsages]

darling heart.

summary: in which you are someone who participates in/identifies with jirai kei culture.

characters: heartslabyul boys x gn reader

tags: relationship not specified, fluff, imagines format

warnings: mentions of mental health, mentions of self-destructive tendencies

author's notes: hiiii this is very self-indulgent bc i am a jirai kei babe,, im specifically a jirai danshi <3 i might do for other dorms too, depending on my motivation lol you can find out more by searching up jirai kei tho dont just read the jfashion wiki for it, it's more than just a fashion style. also beware of potentially triggering stuff since it deals with mental health and all

Riddle Rosehearts

He’s intrigued by this subculture that you participate in and he’d ask you more about it, if you don't mind telling him - he’ll do his own research too anyway

When he finds out it's basically a subculture consisting of people with emotion dysregulation issues and is generally controversial, he checks up on you and asks you if you're okay or not

You laugh then – you’ve had your ups and downs but really, so has everyone. You hope reading about it hasn't scared him off

He’d feel like calling you a “landmine type” is too insensitive but you assure him that there's nothing to worry about and that people who participate in the subculture has reclaimed such stereotypes and fully embrace it

He’d really enjoy seeing you decked out in jirai kei fashion; he may want to try it himself but he’d insist that it's not in his place to participate, only support from the sidelines

You do get him to try out clothes that are similar to or inspired by the culture though – he seems to be comfortable in the style and you're happy that something that you enjoy can also bring the same joy to him

You’ll also recommend some songs to him, especially ones that you think would help him in studying despite the sometimes concerning lyrical content

If someone tries to bully you for identifying with the subculture, he’d step in immediately and defend your honor

“What right do you have in deciding what (Y/N) identifies with? That's what I thought. I’m always in the right.”

Through your downs and ups, Riddle will always be there for you.

Ace Trappola

He has heard of it before but he thought it was only a type of fashion, not a whole subculture with more substance to it than clothes

You’d infodump to him all about it and your journey with it, whether you just discovered it or have been identifying with it for a long time – he listens to you curiously all the while

He’s caught off guard for a moment by the more controversial and depressing part of it but he quickly recovers

He’s happy for you and glad that you’re comfortable having such a culture define a part of you

Though he implores not to do all the self-destructive stuff if you could and he’ll look out for you more just in case

He definitely thinks you rock while wearing your jirai kei outfits; it’s not his style but he wouldn’t mind trying it once, just to get a feel for the style

“Yeah, this is definitely not my thing… you, on the other hand, look pretty awesome.”

You’d give him a link for your playlist (or a playlist you’ve saved) and he’d listen to it when he’s bored – ends up adding a few songs to his personal playlist

If he finds anyone stereotyping you unnecessarily, he’ll call them out, saying as if they’re any better

Despite everything, you are still uniquely you in his eyes.

Deuce Spade

He apologizes for not knowing too much about it when you bring it up and you tell him it’s okay because it gives you an excuse to ramble about it

You tell him what it entails and how you’ve come to find out about it, sifting through your past experiences both good and bad

He tries very hard to be understanding, even if he doesn’t really get it. You’re just grateful to have his support

“I don’t really get it but it gives you a sense of community, right? I think that’s pretty cool!”

He’s also a little concerned about the mental illness part so he’d regularly check up on you to make sure you’re doing okay

He’d ask you to tell him more about your experiences with the subculture if you have any more and if anything exciting happens, you go to him first

Such as acquiring a brand new article of jirai kei clothing for example! He thinks the style is super pretty and fits you really, really well

He’d listen to the music together with you, sharing earphones and all – maybe he would even listen to them while he tries to do anything

He’ll be your guard dog and bite back whoever dares to make fun of you for being part of the subculture’s community you’ll have to calm him down sometimes

You couldn’t ask for a better cheerleader than him.

Cater Diamond

He’s always known about the subculture and although he doesn't participate in it, he thinks it's really neat

You tell him more about it and about the misconceptions people have about it so that he doesn't misunderstand

He’s super stoked that he knows someone in real life who actually participates in the subculture since he gets to see how it actually is in reality

He mostly knows about the fashion and when you come rocking up to him wearing the classic jirai kei look, he tries his best not to fanboy

He compliments you then proceeds to ask you where you got it – though cute styles like it aren’t his thing, he feels like he can give this style a try

He’d match with you on days he doesn’t feel too uncomfortable with more cutesy styles and snap pictures of you two to post on Magicam

He’d also go scouring for the music online to add more songs to his already rapidly growing playlist. He’d share some recommendations with you too!

Unintentionally got you more jirai kei friends since some people saw his posts about matching with you on Magicam; even people you already know commented on his post

“Look at us, (Y/N)! We’re totally Magicam-famous now~”

You laugh with him, head thrown back while the seeds of your relationship bloom behind where the two of you sit.

Trey Clover

He doesn’t know too much about it so he’ll ask you to explain to him what it is – to which you excitedly agree to

You tell him everything from the origins to how you’ve come to participate in the subculture – he nods patiently all the while

The mental health part of it has him questioning you a bit but he has no ill intention, he’s simply looking out for you and is worried about you

He’s supportive all the way and thinks it’s nice that you have something you’re passionate about. He’d even do his own research when he has the time

He’s pleasantly surprised when you show up wearing jirai kei fashion one day; he definitely thinks you look striking in the get-up

He wouldn’t mind going with you if you were to shop for more jirai kei-related things – he would joke you’ll have to repay by helping him out another time though

He’ll listen to your song recommendations and if he likes them enough, he’d listen to them while he’s in the kitchen. He likes that they remind him of you

“Oh, this one’s pretty catchy. …These lyrics though…”

Going places with you certainly catches attention sometimes but he doesn’t mind, as long as you’re happy and comfortable in your own skin

His name truly defines him – you sure feel lucky to have him in your life.

#twst #twisted wonderland #twst x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #platonic twst x reader #platonic twisted wonderland x reader #riddle rosehearts #riddle rosehearts x reader #ace trappola #ace trappola x reader #deuce spade #deuce spade x reader #cater diamond #cater diamond x reader #trey clover #trey clover x reader

[birdmitosis]

Keep seeing your analysis-ish posts in the tags and man. I wish I could make coherent posts about this game like that but whenever I try it just comes out like this

misery

also I see you are a voices enjoyer so I am obligated to ask what you think about voice of the contrarian bc he is my fav (he just like me fr we are best friends we are going to go get waffles together)

Aaahhhh, ironically my brain has been MUSH and so I didn't respond to this right away, but it's been giving me fuzzy feelings for days ;-; It is so kind of you to say... My analysis stuff is mostly me rambling and trying to sort out my own thoughts, LOL, so I'm glad it's at all coherent! I constantly feel like I'm in a state of

over this game, at least, so I get it. As for Voice of the Contrarian, I absolutely adore that voice! He's not my top fave but he's easily in my Top 3. I love him so much in The Stranger chapter and especially if you get her first and get any variation of the "Strange Beginnings" endings; I love his development and the quietly positive relationship he develops with Voice of the Hero, with the Stranger, and even in some ways with the Narrator. I love the way he tries to defend the Long Quiet in the "A new and unending dawn, and everyone hates you" endings! I love him in The Razor and The Moment of Clarity paths, I adore him in The Fury chapter... The only chapter he even mildly annoys me in is The Wild, and I think that's just because my first experience with that was the one with Opportunist and Paranoid and there was something so... emotional in that experience, and Contrarian really doesn't want to let you just sit with that emotion. That's not really a bad thing, though, not inherently, and it also says a lot about his character at that point in the game! (Honestly, my one quibble with the game is that since he says in the "Strange Beginnings" version of the endings that he's been at the cabin since you left him there, I honestly wish it became impossible to get any route he appears in if you get the Stranger first. That might be annoying and even a little unfair; I'm sure that in practice I wouldn't like being entirely locked out of The Razor and The Moment of Clarity if I went with The Stranger for my first vessel. But it'd make that part make a bit more sense, right? Then again, if you say to Hero "I thought you died whenever I looked in the mirror," he says:

"I don't think that's wrong, but I'm not sure it's right either. ... There's still a piece of me nestled close to where it all began. I can take you there... I can take you to her heart." Which I... think might imply that while the voices are all broken-off shards of you, they're also in pieces across each chapter you do? Which has some fascinating implications and does make Contrarian's thing work better. He is also still "where it all began," where Hero takes you.) ANYWAY that was some rambling about non-Contrarian things, or at least not strictly Contrarian things. Suffice to say that I really, really love that character; I think that in a situation where the other voices are learning to be individual people especially he could be really supportive and helpful there, because he has possibly the biggest personal arc of any character in the entire game. And I love that for him. (I also ship him hard with Voice of the Hero, and have a bunch of other more minor ships with him, including Contrarian/Hero/Narrator a little? SO YEAH THAT TOO.)

#slay the princess #slay the princess spoilers #voice of the contrarian #voice of the hero

[luminae-system]

(Danny, as almost always, speaking)

Venty ramble-ish post of the day under the cut as promised in the update (ended up a long post, sorry)

If anyone wants a quick summary, there is a tldr bolded and green at the bottom! Would love some advice if anyone is nice enough to share their experiences and stuff.

Tw: General negative thinking, obsessive/repetitive thinking, ocd-like tendencies, lots of self-doubt, system doubt/self denial, brief neglect(? Descriptions, brief abuse mention (tell us if we missed something else)

I've been thinking of System Origins (xyz-genic) lately. Something about messy thoughts and obsessive patterns and stuff, our psychiatrist calls it "cow chewing" or something like that (since January, our memory has been shit, sorry).

So. I'm afraid to label us as traumagenic because like, as I mentioned in the notes of a reblog this week, we never went through traditional abuse, we had food and education and shelter and all that good stuff.

Maybe mom was down in the dumps herself, and dad was always away on a buissness trip, not to mention mom having to deal with three kids at the same time... so we never really got enough love and attention. We were loved ofc, and I am grateful for all mom did for us.

But like... her best wasn't enough in many ways, that's why we're in therapy since like 11 and always go off the deep end whenever we try to go long periods without a session (monthly sessions seems to be the stretch/limit). And well, we have more diagnoses than fingers in one hand already, wonderful! So funny! Amazing! /sarcasm

So, anyways, back to the topic. We never really lacked anything, were never abused, and the emotional neglect wasn't thaaat bad and totally not on propose. So... was it enough to form a traumagenic CDD system? Are we really disordered?

I do have emotional amnesia in the rare times we've managed to get someone else to be the main fronter, and we do have some ptsd symptoms but like... we do have a separate ptsd diagnosis bc of my ex-bf (another story/post, bad bad guy) and the childhood ptsd-like symptoms are nowhere in the same level as when we first got the diagnosis of the other ptsd.

And looking at posible diagnosis, Partial DID (pdid) is so so so close to what we experience! That's like, us! Main frontstuck host with other headmates acting as 'advisors' and less fronting and more passive influence and co-conciousness (even if we are monoconcious, it's a bit weird, don't wanna think too hard about it)

But like... I didn't start having "multiple people in my head" until like I was 14. Or atleast being conscious of it I guess. That's way past the age threshold for identity consolidation and thus traumagenic system formation...

So are we "disordered enough" to qualify as a disordered/CDD system? Would we make a mockery of "real" disordered systems to self-diagnose that?

I've been thinking of sharing with our current psychologist. The last one dismissed my concerns and said I was being a hypochondriac (god, it's always that excuse! Even with our physical health, which, yes, another post/story).

I'm scared of being wrong. What if I really am just talking to myself and making a sorta tulpamancy thing on accident? Ofc nothing wrong with that, but it would change our system dynamics a lot.

On the flipside, if we really are a traumagenic system... now what? I doubt there are any specialized psychologists for systems in our town... so yeah. Not sure what we would do after a hypothetical informal/formal diagnosis by our psychologist and/or psychiatrist.

Gosh. This is... a lot. And I tried to be brief. Sorry, and if anyone did read it all, thank you so much for caring about us! (Or being curious I guess lol). I'd love some advice

So, tldr: No abuse, only some emotional neglect on accident. Is it trauma enough for traumagenic? We disordered enough for a diagnosis? What if yes? What if not?

-----------------------

Bonus info for anyone(s) who want to give us advice (thank you!!!!)

System of 3

One front-stuck host and two "advisors"

Daena is a sorta reformed persecutor and sorta trauma holder?

Aelius is our protector (he is taking a long nap/trip somewhere in the brain, miss him)

Danny (me) and Daena are two sides of the same coin, share a lot of traits and stuff even if personality is different, basically like a median system.

Aelius is fully separate from us gals

Dissociation has been very common since we were a very young kid, especially derealization, though depersonalization did happen a lot too. Therapy has helped a lot in terms of grounding

Not much in terms of Amnesia I think? Like, maybe I'm not aware of something, but we do remember our childhood well enough to tell anecdotes and funny stories

We do have emotional amnesia tho, mostly with taking care of the body and household chores (remembering something but like, I did not do that. The memory spawned by itself???)

Uhhh ask for more details if needed!!!

#-Danny #Danny✨️ #// #luminar rambles #pluralgang #tw syscourse #syscourse tw #<- ? (just in case) #luminae system #tw vent #tw spiral #tw spiraling #long post under the cut #pdid #partial did #questioning system #< ? i guess #tw neglect #tw abuse

[fushigurro]

Hiii robin! If you're cool with it, I wanted to ask, is there a certain moment with your selfships when you realize you ship with them, or is it a slow process that just kinda happens?

hi romy!!!! ❤️

tbh it kinda depends and i'm not always totally sure LMAO i'm a little all over the place with it. like a lot of the time i have a hard time deciding and i'm trying to create a classification system in my head akfjofijwe tho it probably shouldn't be that deep my brain just loves to cling to systematization and gets frustrated when it can't properly execute it lmfao. but anyways i shall try my best collect my thoughts and describe how i perceive my tendencies!!

i'll put it below the cut bc i always ramble lolol

there are definitely some ships where it was more of a slow progression and i had to eventually be like "yeah okay this is what it is" because it was getting to the point where they weren't going to leave. i could easily envision more in-depth scenarios between them and myself and/or lore that just seemed to naturally spring up and i just kept thinking about them all the time.

i'd say megumi is a good example of the slow-burn. he honestly wasn't the kind of character that heavily struck me when i first watched the anime and started reading the manga; in fact, i recall being like "oh great, another little hateful emo boy" LOL (historically they're not usually the type i'm drawn to). but i got to know his character better over time and realized that like. damn. i have rather intense feelings about this guy adjewoijfwof

toji and jean were a bit more on the "slower" side of development as well i suppose. and not "slow" in the sense it took several months or years or anything (i've only been self-shipping for about a year) but it was something i had to ease into a bit more i guess.

i actually hated toji at first but then the daddy issues kicked into overdrive and i eventually started catching feelings LMFAO and jean was my first self-ship ever. he's the first one where i felt comfortable enough to imagine myself with someone like that <3 i hadn't really truly done anything like that in years, but i loved his character so much that i was starting to actually insert myself in reader stuff rather than completely detaching like i used to. i could see myself with him.

suga, on the other hand, was the kind that hit me like a freight train. maybe it's because i'm more comfortable with self-shipping now, but it was easier for me to realize it and take it to self-ship level pretty quickly. not only was i obsessed with him from pretty much the first fucking moment, but the subsequent relationship daydreams have been insane LOL i mean i gave it a little bit of time because i hate the idea of being overly impulsive and irrational due to infatuation but uh. i fucking love him lmao

katsuki is..... *sigh* idk. he also kind of hit me like a freight train, at least with the daydream scenarios and whatnot, and i was hoping and praying it was just a phase (still kind of am) but i guess i've sort of accepted that it's not. or it's at least a longer-lasting phase than most lol idk. but i can't stop thinking about him and i'd rather just go ahead and call it a self-ship instead of continuing to try and wait it out or deny it. the brainrot is bad

ANYWAYS sorry for being unable to shut the fuck up as per usual lmfao but yeah!!! i tried to give some examples of how this shit works in my mind. right now i guess i'm sort of organizing things by how regularly/consistently i think about a character over time and with what degree of ease i imagine myself with them in several scenarios, but this is by no means the sort of parameters i think everyone should use when it comes to this. people should do whatever the fuck they want i just take shit too seriously sometimes and wish i could be more chill actually instead of trying to create a classification system for everything in my brain 😃 but here we are

#letters. #moot: romy

[lilacs-world]

I feel like I’m chronically not okay but idk if I’m valid enough to label myself as chronically ill. I am able to work 40h a week but with the cost of laying in bed the rest of the day when I’m back home. In the weekends I sleep mostly. My room is a disaster because I never have the energy to tackle the chaos. I wished I was able to walk to work and back but standing for more than 15 min is already exhausting me and I get dizzy and lightheaded. I am constantly in pain, my normal pain level is on good days at a 2 on bad days it’s at a 4 or 5 but maybe I’m too modest about my pain due to fear of admitting I’m not okay. I am always tired even if I sleep usually enough. At times I feel more refreshed with only 4 hours of sleep hell knows why. I am waking up daily at 5:45am to get myself ready for 8am work. I don’t know if I’m ever gonna be a functioning adult. I am scared of the moment I will unmask bcs im masking daily due to Audhd. Plus daily I’m confused because we are often switching and my quality at work at times fluctuating and my TLs wondering wtf bcs we know u know all the processes so wtf. Daily I feel like I know only a specific part of the processes and I have days where I ask so many questions that one of the TLs told me they are growing gray hairs bcs of me asking so much. The doctors in my country are shit when I mentioned suspecting we are a system they said nah it’s just ur anxiety. When I questioned if I have adhd my former psych said nah only kids can have it. My former therapist said yeah after unofficially diagnosing me with it. Autism I suspect that too and I got my confirmation more or less from my bf who’s on the spectrum as well. He got his confirmation he has adhd as well by me noticing lots of adhd things in him and he has now meds whilst me is in this godforsaken country that isn’t taking me seriously. I got my confirmation I have adhd when I took speed and realised for the first time "so this is how neurotypicals experience their life?" I for once had a train of thoughts in order and not a carambolage of luggage’s getting stuck in the baggage claim belt. I sobbed so hard. On good days I am able to remember and memorise lots of shit. But on bad days I barely anything. My body is out of control. I have pcos and it’s ravaging my body. I grow hair on my chin and arms and it’s making me uncomfortable and I developed anxiety about having hair in my face to the point over pluck and over shave it. My period is out of control. I either bleed for 2 months consecutive or I don’t have my period for 6 months. I am anemic due to it. I am such a pale human that I’m constantly being asked if I am okay. Oh yeah not to forget having an autoimmune disease since I am 2 years old. Having to deal with psoriasis break outs each winter where I end up being covered on my legs, arms , ass with skin patches of psoriasis. At times it’s even in my eyebrows and on my scalp. Each winter is a torture for me. I am battling with depression as well. Luckily this last year it wasn’t so overbearing and I felt more human than I used to in the past. Nonetheless my anxiety is ravaging and leaving me crippled daily. I sound ridiculous talking about myself rn bcs in my brain I feel like you aren’t this sick or unwell you are faking this you are a horrible human for saying all this things but I know it’s probably my internal ableism and the internal critical subconsciously developed voices of my surroundings telling me I’m not actually sick and I need to go to work even if sick etc. Sigh. Idk where I wanted to go with this whole post. I know you guys don’t see often a personal post from me or posts from me and more reblogs of stuff I enjoy seeing and stuff I wanna boost and stuff I find important or relatable or stuff that I think might make someone feel better and less anxious or feel seen. I hope this is fine. I hope being more real is helpful. Maybe I should do this rambling on my other blog @unfilteredrealities where I tried to talk about life in a real way , unfiltered. You can even send in your own submissions if u want to.

Anyway thanks for reading my ted talk.

TLDR: I don’t know if I’m actually chronically ill and if I’m valid enough to label myself as that and then I rambled about my life experiences with audhd, did, anxiety, depression, pcos, psoriasis and there are more but I’m exhausted.

#lilacs world #lilacs-world #lilac gets personal #ok to reblog #adulting #adult adhd #adult autistic #mental illness #mental health #dissociative identity disorder #chronic illness #chronic pain #chronic fatigue #vulnerability #pls help #i need feedback #psoriatic arthritis #rheumatoid arthritis #pcos #fibromyalgia #disabled? I’m not sure 😭

[dashielldeveron]

hello!! i cannot put into words how obsessed with your writing i am! i’m sure you get this all the time but everything from the dialogue to the plot development to the character dynamics is absolutely insane. Seriously if i could write even half as well my ego would be so high it’s a miracle that you are so humble. Your soulmate series is genuinely the best series i’ve ever read on any site! I don’t know if this is odd to say but you write every character like they genuinely are your soulmate. If you said that you know them personally and intimately i would fully believe you. Obviously i have no clue what you do for a living but if it’s not writing you should 100% consider it because the world would be so much better off with more of your work.

I am so devastatingly interested in the shigarki route that you’re writing. His character arc is so interesting and he’s so complex that i’m buzzing with excitement to see what angle you approach while writing for him. Actually with the latest manga chapters, it’s so interesting how the core villains of the series have been denied humanity in some way by the general public and how that’s contributed to how they view themselves and the world (Shigarki especially). You captured that turmoil soo fucking well with Dabi’s route. I just know Shigarki’s chapter is gonna be what kills me.

Please take care of yourself!

!!!!!

>/////< ohhhhhh you are so very kind!!! it really means a lot to me that you would type all of this out to let me know!!!! especially that enormous compliment that it feels like i know the characters, geez!!! i am weaving all of your kind words into a tapestry to hang on my wall so that i can see it and feel all warm.

shigaraki rambling under the cut :)

goddd yes shigaraki is such a little weirdo and i've been so conflicted about where to go with him!!! he's difficult to write, esp. bc fanon and canon are very different; a lot of fanon grounds his behaviour when he's still incel-blue-hair-immature-gamer guy, and he's.............not even really mean? esp. not to the league??? rude, yes, but AFO has trained him to think of himself as an authoritative figure of respect, so of course when dabi is shit-talking tomura like he's just some guy, tomura is gonna get upset about that. he's mostly........pretty polite. eerily calm. not easily scared or startled.

but like. if you read a shigaraki fic, it's expected that he's gonna throw you around or steal your underwear, or something. so i'm nervous that some people are gonna read his route and think he doesn't sound like himself!!! and maybe he doesn't, but i tried v hard; i've reread a bunch of the manga and rewatched some of the anime to take notes about his dialogue and inflection, but i get nervous that bc he's not matching with popular fanon stuff that people are gonna be like "this is just [other character] in a shigaraki hat." but i try. shigaraki is a tough dude to write.

i've been reading shigaraki as being objectified (not in a sexy sense but in a literal sense) in the manga for a long time, so it's validating and awful to see all of these characters just fucking announce that shigaraki is a thing. feels weird, especially bc so much of the manga has been moving towards a message of a kinder humanity, even though i'm not certain hori is pulling that off as clearly as it could be. i worry, but shig is gonna come back to being tenko at the end, i think. i hope this comes across in his route!!!!

and ohhhhhh you had better take care of yourself!!! bc if shigaraki's route is gonna kill you, your funeral will be tonight!!!! (bad metaphor aside: shig's route is gonna be posted tonight, provided my beta reader gets back to me soon.)

thaaaaaaaaank you so much for enjoying my silly fic!!!! i hope the rest of it meets your expectations!!!!! xx.

#dash it all

[masonscig]

speaking of rebecca, am i the only one who's kind of surprised by the amount of people who hate her (valid) while also seeming to love bobby (also valid, but feels contradictory here)?

like, i can completely understand both of those takes, don't get me wrong (full disclosure of my two detectives on bobby's route carrie has a good relationship with bobby and rebecca, and avery all but hates them both) but considering rebecca's absentness and manipulative tendencies tend to be what turn people off from her it's kinda strange to see some of those same people uwuify bobby who, as an ex in particular, is explicitly stated as being manipulative to the MC during their relationship using them for information, clout, and straight up stealing their work in college. and while i get the appeal of them being like, the one anti-copaganda figure in the series now with how book 3 ends, but this is also the same bobby who to this point has canonically: been an incredibly manipulative partner in college and has continued post-breakup, has stalked the MC basically once a book, bugged their office in book 1, forced their way into the mc's apartment in book 2, tries to coerce them MC into sex to loosen their tongue on multiple occasions included multiple tries after the mc's made it clear they're no longer interested, and can be directly called out for trying to take advantage of the detectives emotional state during the kidnappings to get more info despite showing little to no sympathy for the victims being taken. even if there's good intentions there nothing about that is healthy even considering their respective careers (maybe even less so because of them).

again, not trying to bash either side of it, i guess i'm just trying to figure where people draw that line? to me they're both emotionally manipulative individuals who are trying to repair what they had with the mc to some degree and protect them, but don't know how to do it without being manipulative. they mirror each other in a lot of ways yet one seems to get a free pass more often than the other. idk maybe i'm just rambling but thanks for giving a place to do it <3

oh i LOVE this ask – and no problem at all! ramble on bestie i love reading your thoughts! <3

 i'm gonna put my response under the cut bc i have Thoughts

i do think it's wild to see how much more willing people are to forgive (is that the right phrasing? maybe tolerate is better here) bobby's behavior over rebecca's, but i think i can understand why to a certain degree

so, to clarify before i say anything, i think both of them fucking suck and should not be in mc's life for multiple reasons. bad mother, bad partner, bad friend, whatever, honestly they're doing more harm than good – it's mainly because they both aren't willing to correct their behaviors. you could argue that rebecca is, because she says it, but she doesn't do anything about it. she just says she's going to be a better mom like saying it out loud will make it true

[also i'm rereading the stuff i wrote, and this is from the perspective of someone who only picks 'have a bad relationship with rebecca' for their detectives, so take all my rambling with that in mind!]

but i think the reason rebecca cuts a lot deeper is because there's a different kind of love you're supposed to experience from either relationship. (i'm saying this generally bc from your ask i'm sure we're on the same page ab this !! it's hard to put this into words because i know that people (this includes me) have a lot of complex feelings about parental/spousal love and what standards you should have for either.

("dump him/her!" and "go no contact!" crowd, i'm sorry but i'm not heading in that direction LMAO)

for me, rebecca falls flat in a million ways, because she's trying to make up for years of being an absent parent with empty promises she's yet to fulfill. i know it takes time, as repairing any relationship does, but it does seem like she's approaching it almost in a selfish way, like mc's forgiveness will atone for the years she missed out on, when that's not even close to how these things work. and now with mc working closer with her? it'll restrain the relationship even more before it even gets to start.

she definitely doesn't think she's intending to be manipulative, but she is, by guilt tripping mc at different points throughout the series – but no matter what her intent is, the point is, she was supposed to be a loving mother to her child, and instead of leaning into that, she leaned away. she allowed her child to grow up without two parents instead of one, when unconditional love is the standard for any parent. taking out the whole "rebecca is a working parent" thing, bc that's totally okay, there's ways she could be there for her child that she just. wasn't.

instead of "my love for my child takes priority over my grief for my husband" it turned into "my grief for my husband takes priority over my love for my child" – and that's not okay.

i think bobby is bad, but at the very least, i think being fucked over and abandoned by a partner is a different kind of betrayal than having an absent parent – let me put it this way: if you have an awful romantic partner, you can move on from that by being shown what a "better" relationship looks like. that's what's happening in canon with mc, their ro, and their li. but... if mc has an awful parent (rebecca), then what's replacing that parental love? familial love from ub? that's all good and well (incredible, even), but that's not the same as love from a mother that's there but chooses not to be, you know? (also, please note, take this for as it is, because i think love comes in all shapes and forms – and i believe that you don't need a certain love to live happily, i'm just talking hypothetically about these fictional characters LMAO)

also, i think that if you choose to have a good relationship with rebecca, it's still not a good look – i said this in another ask, but i think that rebecca approaching certain situations the same way regardless of her relationship with mc feels intentional, whether or not m*shka intended that to happen. it's further proof that rebecca won't (can't, isn't willing to) change i think

i feel like this ask got away from me bc i started thinking less about people forgiving rebecca/bobby and more about why i think rebecca is worse SORRY DGKMMDKGKMG

OKAY i need to stop myself bc i know i have a lot of thoughts and i could probably talk forever about this but i am shutting the fuck up now LMFAO

#asks #twc book 3 #twc book 3 spoilers #twc spoilers #cw abuse #cw manipulation #cw coercion #cw abandonment #<- if there are any other tags to add please lmk!

[pentacentric]

I am so so not gonna rb that john post bc of how it frames John caring so much about Sam & not Dean & such shallow take on John overall in general but i wanted to tell you how immaculate and on points your tags were.

I don't know why it's a war (i know why & you can see which side of fandom is shaping it as if John was attending to Sam 24/7 taking him on freaking themeparks every weekend) it's frustrating & upsetting. Let's not forget that in his last living moments John he was telling Dean he gotta kill Sam. Like this guy would've killed Sam unlike Dean. But hey, Sam had such loving tender father figure who cherished him. Anyway sorry for the ramble. I rarely see someone actually acknowledging that there's NOT supposed to be a competition but minimizing Sam's abuse and suffering is very common here bc they gotta remove Sam from the story in one way or another. I even consider myself a big john lover just bc how flawed but layered and damaged he was but he wasnt a good father for Sam either. He did NOTHING for Sam. Hell it was even Dean who carried Sam out of the fire. It was Dean saving and cherishing Sam, not John. I mean, I don't think there's an argument that he loved them both but that doesn't change how be treated them BOTH

Thank you❤️ 100% in agreement with you. This fandom can be a little exhausting at times as we all know and I generally try to stay out of that kind of discourse, but sometimes stuff like it slips in my feed and I just get so frustrated and I can't help myself. It's always nice to know there's other people that understand that the whole battle thing is just pointless.

And trauma fighting aside, even, it's such a bad take on its own. Like, not only are you completely erasing Sam's whole story and character (which is pretty much a capital crime, really), you are actually doing such a disservice to Dean! It removes so much complexity and nuance from his character, and only adds to the whole boring Dean woobification syndrome where he's the only one that suffered and is alone in the world and no one understands him (except, maybe hmmm I wonder…). Like Dean didn't have Sam suffering right there by his side. Like it wasn't the two of them against the world (which John was a central pillar of). Like all of that isn't such an integral part of why they are so intrinsically intertwined, which is what makes Dean Dean and Sam Sam and drives the whole damn show! You can't say you love Dean and try to remove his actual bond with Sam or reduce it to some kind of fanonized parentified-child/golden-child guilt trap. Because that's not it at all. And if they think that, they don't know Dean it all.

And I agree with you about John. I don't hate him (and JDM made me love him, even, with the way he portrayed him), but I can also be hard on him sometimes because he does have a lot of faults and he is abusive and it's very recognizable. But it's in a very realistic way where he isn't truly a bad person. That's part of his complexity as a character and why he's interesting. Like, someone can be loving and intend to do well and have a lot of great attributes, and also a total fucking mess and abusive and a kind of shitty parent at the same time. John may have tried, but he did utterly fail them in as many ways as he overall kept them safe and cared for them. It's fascinating because in those situations children tend to be pulled between loving that parent and wanting their approval and affectio , and also being resentful and hurt and angry, and both sets of feelings are totally valid. I think the show captures that really well with the way the boys react and develop as characters themselves. Villainizing John is as reductive as erasing Sam's canon history.

#spn meta #sam winchester and dean winchester #we love john here #but we also don't let his shit slide #spn and abuse #fandom critical #a little at least #if canon spn has more nuance than your take you might wanna rethink things

[beesmygod]

i think u scared off the liberal

good. i'd be lying to say it didnt get under my skin because even adam noticed it lol. if only it were as simple as "white artist bristles when confronted about a depiction of race" instead of "a frequently hammered nerve was struck involving things anon has no context for, intentionally". grrr growl!!! i tried to talk about this with other people and then pussed out bc i realized no one cares but me. so at least i can ramble about it on my own space.

long post ahead sorry~

even putting my neurosis aside, from where i'm standing, anon's overt discomfort with a depiction of an ethnicity or race involving the use of vernacular is some real fucking bird-brain shit. anon reads "huckleberry finn" and runs off to the library to have it banned for racism lol. like, we're talking that level of intellectual cowardice that turns tail and hides when made merely uncomfortable. anon subscribes to the school of thought that being mean and making me feel bad are the worst crimes someone could ever commit. if i want to be really mean, i think anon has never spoken to another latino person outside of a service worker context.

and like, i understand the initial bristle when confronted with it. it's not as though phonetic accent writing or vernacular usage can't be invoked for racist reasons. but you would literally have to try very hard to read jack, white man for hire, as anything other than the explicit butt of the joke. the latinas poking fun at his discomfort lol wait holy shit i just realized life imitated art. am i a secret genius after all......? (no)

here are the pages in question: i asked people on twitter what they thought but ofc that way i still only hear from people who are likely to ostensibly agree with me. (click for full)

lol i just realized i missed an overlay layer on the third page. i should fix that.

this is a webcomic with almost, if not more than, 800 pages so some context: white spikey hair boy (jack) is from corpus christi, texas, a city on the gulf of mexico VERY close to the border. jack was always supposed to be from texas bc its a state i have some cultural understanding of. my dad grew up there. my dad is mexican-american. i am bi-ethnic. tri-ethnic, i guess, since the italian/irish half had a massive influence on me growing up as well.

the ladies are members of maxine's (the other protag's) witch coven. these women don't dress like this on a day to day basis (the one in the poncho might since she's a curandera, anyway), the outfits are like uhhh special occasion stuff. its your witch outfit. red bow is wearing like a day to day version of the traditional oaxaca outfits and has her hair pulled back in a traditional braid. the other is wearing just normal shit but with a traditionally patterned (or as much as i could bear to draw) poncho. the egg cleanse is a basic brujeria technique that like, every mexican family knows of at least lol. poncho is cutting the bad airs away, like in this video of a limpia.

the spit is my favorite part of all the limpias lol. WATER CANNON

all of this is just shit i know from growing up. i had to ask help on the spanish bc mine is a double whammy of being both terrible AND non-conversational (i learned all mine in textbooks ( ._.)) but the spanish code-switching to shit talk is how real people behave lol. i know this, because family and friends do it.

i take the character writing of this stupid comic more seriously than it probably deserves. i wanted to make sure it felt authentic and like these were "real" characters. having a world where the only people with personalities are the protagonists leads to a universe that feels flat and empty. a cardboard world. when i was able to use the women from a culture i know as a way to advance the plot, it was a small blessing lol. whew.

i dont really know how to talk about how this relates to me more in depth without compromising my belief that i have a right to privacy when it comes to my personal life lol. my entire existence exists on edges and borders that should not matter to anyone but me; but these details (ethnicity, race, sexuality, gender, etc and so on and you know) have a tendency to become the sole factor through which people view your work, your potential, and the expectations they begin to develop for you. currently, i think the expectations people have set for minority creators fucking sucks and i am relieved not to be a part of the ecosystem that rewards mediocrity and poor quality with accolades and purchases. looking at you, YA fiction and webtoons!!!

quite frankly: the more details people have about your life, the more they are able to scrutinize your authenticity based on their own biases (as the original anon did lol) or whether or not you are "deserving" of the descriptors that you are open about or accumulate over the years. i already have enough problems with this on my own directed at myself. i dont need input from the peanut gallery about my identity when its something ive struggled with and continue to struggle with my entire life.

i am not interested in bothering minority creators with my crybaby shit about how i feel alienated. i don't want inclusion to their groups centered around their unique and more specific experiences out of obligation when i realize the non-minority halves of me have also had massive influence on my upbringing and my beliefs. i dont like having to debates whether or not i am ____ enough to qualify for appearances on lists or databases or awards so i don't bother with any of it. i just want to grill for gods sake

anyway idk. im mad but i also realize a lot of my mad comes from offline baggage that no one is privy to on purpose so i have a hard time gauging how people will read how i write things. but bc i keep it tight to the chest i guess that invites random anons to speculate reasonably that i've transformed into a racist overnight bc they read a character say a double negative. dipshit. fucking moron

anyway

#long post

[manasurge]

(1/2 bc I made this too big by accident)

lol random rambly post sort of related to current things bc I was awake for 24hrs and my head still feels a bit overheated even after sleeping: In terms of the online thing, I find I get way to shy so I don't usually like to draw too much attention to myself, so you never will really see me do prompts for questions or anything (I tried to before but learned that I get bad stage fright and I'm bad at answering them lol). I just kinda do things at my own pace and post them before running away (as you can tell, I don't actually post a lot! even tho I got a lot of things behind the scenes, I like treating my OC stuff as a fun personal project that I'm producing for myself and am floored when it gains any traction at all! Especially cuz I don't do OCs the same way as other folks too lskjf. I only got the one! my spoiled child) I basically still operate on my personal mental default of "I'm a neglected only child left home alone using fantisized OC stories and worldbuilding in my head as a form of imagination escapism and emotional fulfillment" and have been doing this for years before i was apart of any kind of fandom, so I never have expectations from other ppl when it comes to me doing stuff (I'm so used to not getting any attention about things I do, so any crumb of it that happens is a godsend and fully appreciated!). In any case I was working on mine for a few years before I even KNEW there was such thing as an online community, and to me it's been a blast and more enrichment than I ever would've expected!! (I struggle SO HARD to make friends or acquaintances. I'm a pathetic lonely person with no life, so I just like seeing familiar faces around talking about things or just liking and reblogging). Also on a kind of backwards frame of mind I have: I'm a bit of a defeatist. I never think ppl will see or pay any mind to my stuff, and that's fine with me! In fact I always imagine the opposite reaction, which makes me mentally retaliate into being even MORE STUBBORN about making my cringe OC stuff, DESPITE these imaginary scenarios!! (like, screw you! I'm not making this for you! I'm making it for me!). I expect nothing, therefore anything that happens, I'm either prepared for bc I'm spiteful, or I'm surprised with a lot of positive outcomes! anyways -

#blabbering

[pink-booty-butts]

negative and whiny ramble under the cut, please ignore if you're not comfortable with that!!

ugh ok i really fucking hate talking about my feelings or being negative in general but i've kinda been feeling like this for a while so i feel like i need to just put it out there so i can go back to being happy lmao

highkey I kinda feel like I spend so much time focusing/putting effort into this fandom but idk really if anyone cares about my presence or me in general and it's kinda discouraging. I'm not saying that to ask for sympathy/validation, but rather to express that I'm probs going to only write if someone sends me a request for a while cos putting all this effort into coming up with ideas/writing fics on my own is not really vibing atm, honestly the past few weeks everyday i've just been staring at a blank doc when i get home from work lmao

even though i've mentioned being busy, I kinda have a decent amount of free time to work on fics or chat but it kinda feels like no one really cares, and my perspective is why would I put effort into something if no one cares ya know? bc of that i tend to favor doing or participating in things where i feel more appreciated or seen, like I'd rather focus my energy into other goals or people that do care. whenever I take time to write fics I'm actively pushing those people away or putting less time into other goals i want to achieve in order to do so, and while I do enjoy writing very much there's no need for me to post it on this blog or interact in this fandom if no one cares. if people don't like my work then that's fine, but also there's not really any point in me posting fics or taking time to write if people don't really find my stuff interesting.

i feel really bad for saying this, but sometimes i kinda feel like people only really care about me/what i have to say when im cheering them on or supporting them & their work. of course i genuinely mean all of the things i say when i do that and i dont want people to think i expect the same energy from them because i dont, but when the only response i get from people is related to me doing that it kinda feels like people only care about me being their cheerleader. i've tried telling myself that it's okay to be treated that way bc i do want to encourage everyone, i think everyone in this fandom makes amazing things and has fantastic ideas!! but i think at this point its starting to get to me bc i just don't really feel valued or like people care about the stuff i put out. and if thats the case then i should probably just stick to sending people compliments and reblogging everyone else's work as opposed to putting effort into a space where i am not wanted, bc im tired of constantly feeling like i have to put more and more effort in, berating myself for not being friendly enough or not being positive enough or being too annoying or mean, and then i go back to my coping mechanism of trying to bury all of my negative emotions and be a happy little robot friend to everyone (which i have been trying very hard to not do this past year or so bc it honestly ruined my life)

that being said, as I said earlier I'll write stuff if people send requests but I'm probably not going to post any original fics for a while. I have some stuff I've been wanting to write and a lot of wips so I might come back or post some stuff even if no one sends me any requests, but if i just disappear/ghost then this is probably why haha

#rants n rambles #very sorry in advance if this hurts anyones feelings bc thats not my intention!! #i just really needed to get this off my chest bc its kinda been bugging me for a hot minute #i think you're all amazing and wonderful people!! #i promise i mean it!!

[sixtypackofcrayola]

👁👁 LMK GENSHIN AU??? I AM L I S T E N I N G

OK OK A COUPLE PEOPLE ASKED SO HERE I GO NO THIS WILL NOT BE FORMALLY WRITTEN :SMILE: 'm just gonna ramble!! aannndd hope i make some kinda sense theresss gonna be some holes and things i havent come up with n ill mention them but ppl are lucky ta fill stuff in with their own ideas n feed this brainrot<33

okaayyy so first is mk right so abt mk's vision,, mk is like the last in the little hero group to get a vision. hes been tryin for SO LONG to get one and ever since mei got hers hes been kinda more driven to get one himself. he knows theres like- special circumstances involved n hes been tryin to like get that cool thing to happen so they can get theirs but,,, nothins worked yet yknow mk like tries to make guess abt what vision theyre gonna get one day and mei thinks mk is gonna get pyro and like woah cool just like his da-- i mean pigsy!!! so hes not sayin itd be his one and only choice but thinkin about it and what tang has said abt visions he thinks pyro is def possible bc hes real passionate about a lot of things!! like his job and his friendships and MONKEY KING LORE and yknow all that good stuff so he gets it after doin somethin similar to the big fight at the end of a hero is born just- beatin' the SHIT out dbk ig along with his friends and while hes there and struggling but knowin he has to defeat this guy for the sake of everyone he ends up getting his vision and he doesnt focus on the element too much (it does end up being geo) at first its more just HOW TF DO I USE THIS NOW.. but he ends up doin somethin real wacky and BOOM dbk gone 4 now and like after all that is over n we're back to chilling he and the others r like celebrating bc WOO mk got his vision AND we defeating a huge demon!! and mei is like huh i really thought u were gonna get pyro like me and tang is like pushes up glasses well acTUALLY-- and proceeds to explain why geo visions r given to people and all that and while mk does have a lot of passion which would make it make sense 4 him to have a pyro vision hes far more hardworking with his job already and now that hes monkey kid hes gonna b working even harder to protect people mk's been working hard all his life really, not just with his job and now defeating demons, hes been working hard to get a vision so he could be something greater, his bio parents he doesnt remember much about but they were always so unimpressed and demanding so he tried real hard to live up to their expectations and make them happy because he wants his friends and family 2 be happy,, and hes always tried hard to be something more than what he is as he got older and all the monkey king stories really inspired him a lot and thats why hes loved all this lore and stuff for so many years but like,, he could never be a hero like that,,, oh wait anywho mk is a geo polearm(?) user, dunno if ya could call the staff a polearm buuut thats what im goin' with hes also got monkey king's abilities along with the geo ones so ohu boy,, ill talk more abt that part when i get to wukong and mac ALSO I FEEL LIKE MK COULD ALSO BE PYRO AND I COULD CHANGE IT BUT,, I LIKE GEO TOO,,,, oops all pyro traffic light trio????

next is mei who is a pyro sword,, i dont know much abt her backstory/vision story yet sooo if ya wanna spit some ideas im all ears BC I FEEL BAD NOT HAVIN MORE STUFF FOR HER

i dont got much for red son either buuut heres what i do got; red son kinda already has,, magic of sorts bc,, yknow partial demon (in this hes only like,, half technically. yknow how yanfei is like half adeptus-) but its amplified a bunch by the vision and WOO FIRE and theyre a pyro catalyst honestly debating on whether or not they wold have a book or whatever that other floaty thingy is called but like when i imagine either they kinda look similar to dodoco tales or blackcliff agate hmm,, red's two big passions are building and cooking- his tech could possibly rival that of fontaine's advancements if he wanted it to,, they actually take some inspiration from the works of fontaine as well as for the cooking, u already know, spice master. i want a cooking battle with them and xiangling- they'd laugh at the hottest option on the menu at wanmin red son got their vision pretty early in life- a bit older than he was in canon,, which was still a problemmm and ya can guess why,, demon power fire element amplification little tempermental fire demon boy go boom boom samadhi fire or somethin,, so yeah theyre not as powerful as they could be and the vision was actually taken from them until they were older and more mature i suppose red doesnt remember this- they think they got their vision at an older age since it kinda just appeared by him one morning

tang is dendro but like he doesnt fight so he hasnt found a weapon yet- i think itd be real funny if he was a CLAYMORE or maybe a sword bc of that one episode yknow the one,, but honestly catalyst could work too and hed def have a book one if so dont got a backstory or vision story for him either :( nor do i have much for pigsy but pyro,, somethin. y'all can add to pigsy's stuff if ya want i also feel bad for not havin anything for him but passion = cooking woo

sandy,, hydro catalyst def and hed have a book one too,, i think its a little funny seein this huge ass dude and ur like "oh he could totally wield a claymore" and he could but hes got his little magic book and could still beat the shit out of anyone (not that he would unless needed,, but he COULD)

mo. thats it. just mo.

now to the two givin me the most trouble,,,, wukong and macaque i didnt think too much abt what visions macaque and wukong would have bc like,, they have a lot of powers that could fit each vision really and i was like "AUGH should wukong be pyro or geo or maybe anemo???" and like "should macaque be cryo maybe but agghh electro could also fit but GAH" could they be like,, adepti maybe?? m not sure,, im thinkin adepti with no like specified element but aaauuggh or maybe its a traveler sort of deal with like all the elements but i like the adeptus thing a bit more- then again uhh genshin lore,,,,, yeah i can not keep up with all of it</3 so if it makes no sense it makes no sense,, y'all might have 2 catch me up if somehow they wouldnt b able to be adepti but i still wanna keep somethin similar to monkey king's whole story n whatnot,,

last thing uh,, mk part adeptus or at least starting to match adeptal power now that hes got the staff and monkey king powers?? not sure again genshin lore is,, tricky and then that plus the geo vision

wellll thats all i gots for now,, if i come up with more ill post it, but for nows this is the basis again feel free ta add or share thoughts cause this is very unfinished and like one of those things u think of and throw into ur notes at like 5am and i somehow put no thought and a ton of thought into it at the same time<//3 OK THANKS 4 LISTENING TO MY DUMB MONKEY PLUS GENSHIN THINGY

#lmk #lego monkie kid #lego monkie king #lmk macaque #sun wukong #lmk sun wukong #lmk nezha #lmk mk #lmk mei #lmk red son #lmk tang #lmk pigsy #lmk sandy #genshin #genshin impact #lmk au #genshin impact au #this is one of the more random things ive made #spoctalks #rambling abt monkeys and elements for what

[ankhisms]

painfully aware of how my mental and physical illnesses make it feel almost impossible for me to function or exist at all in society

yes i have a diary now yes i am still writing this here bc im not home yet. my pain in my back and neck and hip have been worse and worse lately and ive been trying to just manage it and deal with it but my mental health has also just been a rollercoaster lately where ill be fine and then ill take a nose dive and have been genuinely really seriously suicidal and close to relapsing into self harm but i thankfully havent. right now im just thinking about how much it sucks that just no matter how hard i try people can still sense that theres something off about me and that i dont act "normal" in our interactions like at the end of the audition i had to talk to this like theater manager lady and the conversation was really hard for me to follow along and get through and it was clear that she thought i was acting weird and she asked me if id be willing to do behind the scenes stuff and i said something like well i like 25 miles out of town so i cant really come for backstage stuff on short notice and she was like well can you follow instructions and i had trouble responding to that because thats a loaded question for me i do often strugglw with the instructions people give me especially in environments like work ones so i said uh within reason and she clearly thought that was a weird response. it just all makes me feel so hopeless i feel like in the past with the theater i grew up in and the other one i acted in they like... they were aware of me being strange but the directors at least didnt hold it against me or get mad at me really for being not normal because they knew i was a good actor and i worked hard and i was serious about it and passionate about it and now i feel like people just notice that im not normal and think that means that they shouldnt have me in their production. but then it hurts to also think like. well what if ive just never actually been very good at this. for such a long time acting was like the only thing i ever truly felt fully confident in myself about and the only thing i belueced in myself about ive always felt pretty insecure about my art and writing even though i love doing those things just as much as acting but with acting i always felt like it was something i was good at or at least decent at it like i got lead roles the first time i tried to go to college i got a scholarship for my acting. and now im just like. what if ive just been total shit at this this entire time. what if someones going to just tell me straight to my face that im laughably bad at this and that its pathetic and that theres no chance in hell that i can ever be a professional actor. thinking about it all now its like man. the professors at that first college i tried to go to who tormented me and told me i was too ugly to get any roles and too emotional really fucked me up i think thats where this self doubt in my acting ability is coming from. because before that whole disaster i really did feel more solidly confident in my ability. and now its like. what if i really just suck at this and no matter how much i love it and care about it and put a lot of work and thought and effort into it what if theres just no chance for me and its all impossible. anyway im just rambling now but yeah. really doubt im getting into the show i auditioned for today

#flashing warning #suicide mention #self harm mention

[kafkaesque97]

Watched Tenshi no Tamago on acid, with the most self absorbed guy I've ever met and my friend and I'm like seeing all these connections (maybe unexistent) and this guy was just talking and talking about his phone and clothes and sports and shit and I swear he barely looked at me for a while and it was so weird because he was so sweet that day we talked at the club and I'd never judged someone so badly.

I started listening to Mozart and I faced the fact that given this situations (he was obviously flirting mostly with my friend and sort of suddenly ignored me) I felt resentment towards people but I tried to be empathetic towards myself instead of judging and suddenly realized that since childhood I've always just sort of craved the attention though in the end I craved the caring but since that last one I always lack I accept just attention in the way I can get most easily: sex.

But in that moment also my friend was listening to me and caring for me and it was dumb to feel resentful, I'm older and not as pretty so it's just expeected that people don't provide me as much attention bc looks are everything in this world plus I'm really all about stuff I read or heard and everything is rambling in my head and that scares people away bc they can't follow me up and that is... not bad. Like sorry I want to listen to Mozart and cry out of the blue, bid deal... some ppl find it funny and I love doing that

And I realized I'm a fucking intelligent person and have always been trying to 'turn it down a little', I was able to realize how I censor myself to stop talking, how I am passionately explaining my ideas and people cut me off just like that and honestly it's not up to people to be interested in my ruminating but I can certainly look to connect with those who get me or at least find it entertaining. I realized I have two friends who do so and how much I love them.

And then rhe acid took off and the ego won once more and I felt like I betrayed myself bc I stayed with the guy bc I honestly wanted sex so much but in then the guy was once again entertaining and not showing me random photos of his clothes and when he was a dealer or whatever, he was talking and listening (tho still talked too much but it was OK bc it was about stuff he liked and he was also trying to explain why it wasn't 'dull' and that's it). I got the feeling he felt insecure because he and his friends are mostly 'uneducated' as in 'didn't get to uní' and my friend and I, we both study physics at the 'best' uní (in the country) so he possibly felt he had to compensate. Also maybe suddenly being not a scumbag was his way to secure having sex but oh well, not like I'm in love or something

TM(my whole blog is like that, lol)i but it was quite great and felt like heaven so it wasn't that bad, I wouldn't want to spend a whole day with him again, maybe just... see him at the club or w/e but I realized I love my friends, myself and that I'm too hard to my self that is basically still a wouded child and looking up for some caring and hugs and I'm never there for her but expect that attention from others like a neglected child looking for arms to hold her and soothe her