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rongzhi · 1 year

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How would you describe the attitude towards trans people in China? ((I ask this as a trans person who would like to work there as an expat))

I don’t live in China so I couldn’t tell you with any certainty what to expect in real life anyway. But, you asked, so I want to at least take a stab at it, even if I just end up rambling about other things.

I expect you know it’s already hard enough to be trans in the west, even in the supposed liberal utopia of major cities. Now think about moving to another country and having to start out with no real support network. Now on top of that, while recognition and acceptance of queer identities, particularly gays and lesbians, in China has taken strides forward in recent years, it’s still not on the same level with the same sort of sensitive treatment as what you could say many have come to expect in the West (depending on where you live). The official government stance on LGBT issues is a tepid “uhhhhhhmmmm 🙈🙉🙊” (“Laws protect all individuals from discrimination on the basis of gender, sexual orientation, etc, but until something happens don’t look at us for nothing 🤐. Please clap.”), so most LGBT education/awareness largely comes through local grassroots efforts (slow and frequently hampered) and online/global media exposure (tho this also requires a level of voluntary engagement).

So, I’m not trying to spook you, but I wanted to make that clear first, that merely moving to another country as a trans person is no enviable task. If you do immigrate to China or live there for a period of time, you will of course at least have some level of privilege as an English speaking (white?) foreigner, so that might help, especially if you plan on hanging out with other expats anyway. Living in a major city would also help, which is really just to say, city folk anywhere are always going to be more open-minded and so I guess this finally brings us close to more of an answer to your question:

Based on my limited observations, I feel like the attitude toward the every day trans person trends negative compared to the west, perhaps largely due to lack of understanding (why would “choose” to be trans, how could you do such a thing, etc). It is not illegal or anything, and HRT/gender reassignment surgery is available in China, medically speaking, but again, I sense that the knowledge/understanding disparity when it comes to transgender identity is pretty high and therefore acceptance is inversely proportional to that. Discussion of the topic that I have seen has never really been that nuanced. Young people are more likely to accept and support LGBT+ individuals in general, but that’s “in general (like, I supsect that it might be more for LGB support versus trans support, as typically LGB issues receive greater attention than trans issues).

On the more neutral/positive end, there will be people who say “as long as they’re not hurting anyone”/ “a person has to live for themself/respect each person’s right to make their own choices in life” and that sort of thing, but I’ve never seen anything pro trans or pro gender revelations per se (this is true by and large in the West as well I think, so no big diff there), and anecdotally, I’ve seen a lot of those comments toward trans people of like “oh but you used to be so pretty/handsome, why would blah blah blah”, and more emphasis seems to be placed on passing, like I guess the more successfully you transition to the opposite gender (ftm or mtf) the more respect you deserve (as if transition should be the goal) (like if you botch it, visually speaking, you might as well have not even bothered) (but I guess this is also true in mainstream thought in the west), and even if you pass you might still get hit with the “can you believe they’re actually a _?”/ "wow I have to be more careful" treatment.

I guess it’s worth noting Jin Xing, a popular trans celebrity/TV presenter in China, is also highly respected, even amongst older generations (which is cool). To many, she “already counts as a real woman” (to quote a comment I saw once) because she’s seen as dedicated to being herself (a woman), and is a wonderful mother to 3 adopted children. People respect her because she worked hard and she has an attractive personality, but at the same time, she’s also high profile enough that the disrespect can get drowned out by the admirers, so she's not a typical case of the trans experience in China obviously.

TLDR

Soooo. I don't live in China so my perspective is limited (I can't emphasise that enough) and only my own opinion based on discourse/exchanges, commentary, depictions, etc, I've witnessed on the Chinese web (douyin, bilibili, zhihu, and douban forums for the most part).

I don’t know how rude anyone would be to your face. Being a foreigner/expat (I said “(white?)” earlier because I feel like “expat” usually refers to white people) might afford you some extra privilege or at least a wider berth from dealing with assholes. As of right now, my impression of the general attitude toward trans people is: improving but still behind and still with the focus on successful transition. Lots of awareness is still needed but efforts to increase it are slow and hampered.

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Aaaaah this turned out way longer than I'd hoped 😬 and I always feel like I'm typing up paragraph upon paragraph of unintelligible nonsense but I hope this give you some food for thought, since you asked for my take. I expect you're already quite sober to the realities of We Live In a Society™ as a trans person, so apologies if I sound too pompous or lecture-y at any point.

#text #answered ask #long post

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floating-above-sea-level · 4 months

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My SecurityWaiter/DreamTheory gender+sexuality head canons because they’re giving me brainrot and queer identities is one of my SpIns 🫶🫶🫶

+some like general love life sorta stuff ig lol

Mike:

-AroAce (spectrum) and gay (or at LEAST achillean/mlm in some way that man is a BOY KISSER)

-Ness is one of if not the only person he’s liked/been attracted to

-he always just assumed he was straight cause yk it’s the “default” and prior to Ness he was never attracted to guys/masc people (at least not that he realized), but after catching feelings for Ness and talking to Ness abt gender and sexuality and all that, he realized he wasn’t really ever attracted to women either, then Ness explained the whole AroAce thing to him and he was like “oh damn yeah ig so huh”

-was literally so confused when he first started liking Ness because 1: he found them VERY annoying at first and 2: again he’s never really fallen for anybody before this so he was like ???

-he never really comes out to anyone he just kinda does whatever and is either generally private/quiet abt it or just doesn’t say anything until someone asks

-trans man :)) maybe like a few years on T, binds and packs because let’s be real that man is not affording any sort of surgery, HRT alone idk how he’s managing. I imagine he probably came out/started transitioning in his late teens-early twenties and is pretty stealth (he’s in his mid-late twenties, so is Ness in my mind, just for the general record lol)

-kinda insecure abt his gender and sexuality. It’s a mix of internalized stuff, dysphoria, generally always having felt awkward when it comes to that stuff, etc. Ness is the only person he’s really talked openly abt it with

-Abby would’ve been fairly young when he came out, and their parents were already out of the picture, so she’s never really known any different, plus he doesn’t talk about it much so frankly she may not even know he’s trans. If/when she finds/found out, she’s probably very curious about it and then became a HUGE ally. Also definitely questioned some stuff (briefly and privately but I headcanon she may have come out as non-binary when she’s older)

-is one of those trans guys who’s like a bit paranoid abt misgendering just cause he’s so insecure abt it. He hasn’t been misgendered in YEARS but every now and then he’ll overhear people talking about literally anyone with she/her pronouns and he gets a little anxious abt it

-tries so hard not to be anywhere close to naked around anyone because he hasn’t gotten any surgeries. Wears a shirt to the pool (if he even goes in the first place), wears layers in the summer, anything sexual’s never been a problem cause he’s chronically bitchless, but you get the idea

-definitely binds an unhealthy amount (someone please stop him)

-uses masculine looking/smelling 2n1/3n1 cause it’s the “man soap” (yeah he’s one of those trans mascs /lh, Ness definitely helps him get into more of a proper hygiene routine)

-has never slept anywhere that’s not home or let anyone sleep over because he has to take his binder off to sleep (dysphoria attacks often ensue)

-first few times he’s not binded or has been any amount of naked around Ness, he was understandably nervous and uncomfortable, but after a while he gets so perfectly reassured by Ness that his body is perfect the way it is and he’s a man PERIOD that my brother in Christ SOBS in their arms :33 (I feel like I sound so cringe but guys I’m literally transmasc let me have this)

-k I dunno what else to say about him but I love him dearly, moving on

Ness:

-Non-Binary and queer, uses all pronouns (I mainly use they/he for them but they use all pronouns)

-fairly open abt his queerness, especially compared to Mike (don’t tell me that it’s unrealistic for the era or anything like that I completely ignore the concept of time in all of my headcanons ever)

-teaches Mike a lot of stuff abt sexuality and gender since Mike never really looked much into it past realizing he was trans. Definitely helps him unpack some things 💔💔💔

-literally just a silly little malewife femalehubby themboss

-really doesn’t care much abt labels for themself specifically, but he’s one of those “I need to know and understand EVERYTHING” autistics so he learns abt that sort of stuff for other people

-has dated a handful of people before, all across the gender spectrum, so they’re pretty comfortable in their love life and such

-is good at flirting but like in an autistic theater kid kinda way (gay and silly)

-loves to experiment with presentation and style in all sorts of ways. Has definitely done drag at least once

-they’re too silly for binaries idek what else to say abt it that’s kinda just the overall consensus

-was very supportive when Mike came out to them as trans (obviously) it doesn’t matter what they said, Mike would feel awkward no matter what, but they were glad Mike trusted them with that sort of thing and Mike was relieved that literally just SOMEONE knew (specifically someone he trusts and cares abt)

-would wear so many pins related to all sorts of things but yes that includes pride flags and pronouns bro LOVES pins their silliness cannot be contained

Ok that’s all I feel cringe but from what I can tell that’s what tumblrs for so yeah. I will definitely yap more abt them in the future

#securitywaiter #dreamtheory #headcanon #headcanons #fnaf #fnaf movie #mike schmidt #ness the waiter #ness x mike #mike x ness #queer #trans #neurodivergent #audhd

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literary-illuminati · 11 months

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Book Review 24 - The Death of Vivek Oji by Awaeke Emezi

I always feel slightly weird trying to organize my thoughts after reading actual literary fiction, if only because it’s such a small slice of my reading diet and there’s so much of it I’m totally ignorant of. This book is, I’m sure, ably in conversation with a dozen others in ways I totally failed to detect as I read it.

So, having accepted that I’m probably going to embarrass myself trying to talk about it; I overall really enjoyed this book, with a few somewhat major caveats.

The story jumps across time and perspective quite a bit, but it’s set in southern Nigeria, centred around a pair of brothers, their wives, and, especially, their two children. The eponymous Vivek Oji is one of those children, and the book is about them even though they honestly don’t get particularly much screen time, and also the book opens with their mother finding their corpse wrapped in a carpet and left in front of the family’s front door. The book bounces back and forth before and after that death, on the one hand giving everyone’s life stories and on the other following the mother’s increasingly desperate attempts to investigate a death the police don’t show any interest in.

So this is very much capital q capital l Queer Lit – the whole central drama around Vivek’s death is that they were flagrantly gender nonconforming and (as becomes clear very quickly) either genderfluid or a trans woman, with the universal assumption being that they were lynched by homophobes during a riot. A pretty major subplot is their cousin Osita (one of our main POVs) accepting that he’s queer, and the contrast of the supportive little queer friend group they both find compared to the conservative, homophobic world they live in is a major theme.

The prose is really just lovely – literary is the word for a reason, I suppose – and honestly close to breathtaking at points. Almost every character rings extremely true to life, which is to say deeply flawed and utterly unselfaware about why they do the things they do, but in a way that’s actually usually (usually) pretty endearing. (There’s so many affairs among the older generation you’re rather left wondering what the point of marriage even is to begin with, but as far as I can tell that’s not that far from true to life).

I can’t really comment on the accuracy of the book’s depiction of Nigerian culture, save that nothing was so totally unbelievable or obviously wrong it stood out to me. It at least felt very real, full of little quotidian details and minor hypocrisies and other touches that really made the book’s settings live and breath.

My issues with the book are fairly few, but they’re unfortunately pretty structural. Mostly it’s with Vivek themselves. They’re a very identifiable character archetype – perpetually innocent and idealistic to the point where they’re treated by the narrative as somewhere between a holy mystic and perpetual child, incapable of ever really explaining themselves but this sort of inspirational idol in other people’s lives and, of course, dead. Even when well-written, the whole archetype still leaves a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

The other thing is just – spoilers for the very, very end of the book, I suppose – the reveal of just how they actually died. They weren’t killed by a lynch mob, you see – Osita, their cousin/boyfriend and one of the main POV characters, eventually reveals that he had been trying to convince them not to go out in public wearing a dress when a riot was clearly about to start, and when they insisted on going down to the market anyway got frustrated and shoved them. Which, entirely by accident, sent them tripping over the pavement, falling to the ground, hitting their head on the curb, and near-instantly dying.

Thematically it’s clear to the point of browbeating – literally, not killed by someone for being out in public, but by the fear of how people might react to coming out – but I just found it incredibly bathetic? And slightly annoyed at how obvious and blatant it made the author’s puppet strings.

Anyway, complaints aside, still a beautifully written book.

#book review #the death of vivek oji #Awaeke Emezi #literature

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emilybrontesghost · 9 months

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So I’m not saying this to hate on Heartstopper (because I actually really like the show overall and think it genuinely gets representation right for some queer people), but I have to say, as a wlw this show has been bringing up some feelings of exclusion as well. I realize I’m coming at this from my own experience, but I know from reading online from other wlw that I’m not the only one to feel this way, so that’s why I do want to talk about it. The “it” being representation. I definitely respect what Heartstopper has done for the mlm community and what it’s done for young queer guys. I’m happy a show that normalizes same sex relationships for young boys exists and that it was handled in such an age-appropriate and kind way. It is impossible to ignore though that women in this show and in media in general still end up getting the short end of the stick. I say this mainly because one thing I see being said about Heartstopper SO much is that gay boys love how the representation speaks to their experience and finding their identity as a teen. I’m glad a generation of young boys get this, but I do feel there is not a true equivalent of this for girls, and definitely not one that has taken off to the extent Heartstopper has in terms of mass appeal and popularity. I empathize with those boys who feel like they didn’t have representation growing up or who feel that this is the first show to really show their experience, but I can’t help but be reminded in the process that not only was there no such thing for me as a wlw as a teen, there still isn’t now that I’m an adult. Yes, there are shows with wlw representation. Yes, Heartstopper is one of those shows. But so rarely is a wlw relationship ever the main focus of the plot of a show. Tara and Darcy are not given a fraction of the screen time that Nick and Charlie get, and this maybe wouldn’t bother me so much if this wasn’t always the way it was. So many shows relegate wlw relationships to the sidelines and so many shows for queer people always center queer boys. Part of how I think I went so many years where I was confused by my identity is honestly because representation, especially for teenagers when I was in high school, sucked. When I was 16 I had never met a single queer girl. I knew lesbians and bi girls existed in the way that we know things like dinosaurs are real but they seemed so far removed from my day to day reality there was no way I could figure out if that was me. The only media I was aware of and the only real life representation I saw was queer men. In some ways this is why I think I also went through a period of time where I was questioning my gender. My problem though was never actually my gender. I just had internalized the idea that I was seeing all around me, which was that “being queer was a male thing to be.” Boys liked girls but they also sometimes liked boys. But as a girl I didn’t know how a girl liking girls looked. It wasn’t really until I started actively searching for any and all media I could as I got older that I started to really see that yes, I was queer, and a wlw relationship was something I really wanted. I feel like I could have come to this conclusion though much sooner if there had been more age-appropriate shows and books readily available and promoted though for girls. I didn’t really understand my sexuality until I was an adult because I had to turn to movies for adults to see what I wanted to see. I love movies like Blue is the Warmest Color and Carol and movies like them, but I wouldn’t say those films were really made with teens in mind or that both are entirely appropriate even for a very young teen to be watching. Blue is the Warmest color is a pretty sexual film, and that’s fine, but it would have been nice to have something so innocent as Heartstopper available. All this to say, I really am happy we’re making strides in terms of making queer media for young people, but I don’t want to see young queer girls get left behind.

#wlw media #wlw representation #heartstopper

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machinecreature · 11 months

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this post is a pretty Solid distillation of what’s happening right now in modern rpf fandom and i’m going to tentatively call it Oops All Misogyny

what these people think they’re talking about is strictly homophobia, and they believe that homophobia is keeping professional athlete men in the closet and forcing them to marry Blonde Skinny White Women who they dont actually love. specifically, they are talking in the world of hockey, which is it’s own specific flavor of deranged nowadays.

okay so say i accept this sweeping generalization that hockey players just date Blonde Skinny White Women- okay well most nhl players are in fact white, and usually people date within their own race that’s just how it is, and statistically they are overwhelmingly likely to be straight as well., and we all know the reason that a lot of men prefer thin women is misogynistic beauty standards, so that’s the reason for that. score 1 for misogyny

im sure there’s great scholarship on why women’s hockey and women’s sports are a haven for gay women to meet eachother and find each other, but i dont know it. but, knowing how SOCIETY UNDER PATRIARCHY EXISTS, its not shocking that a small community that is gender nonconforming would attract queer and gnc women. so, that’s the reason for that.

now to the points related to Shipping - this idea shippers have that their faves are actually stuck in the closet and that straight men are in secret relationships with each other. it’s not anything new per se, but the degree to which people are seriously believing it and trying to actively prove it is new, and the amount of people who seriously believe it is only increasing.

i think it’s safe to say that it is usually young women who take up fandom in this kind of way, who ship men with each other, as has been the case for quite some time. even nb and otherwise gnc individuals flock to fandom, often bc of its imaginative and transformative powers.

i remember being a teenager and wondering why the guys would only pay attention to the Conventionally Pretty girls while also mocking me and trying to take my glasses of without my consent, leaning hard into Not Like Other Girls syndrome, and then unlearning that and realizing my dislike of those girls was bc of internalized misogyny. but the other piece of that is like, the Preferences of the boys (bc of patriarchal beauty standards) and i think that hurt does stick with you for awhile until you do receive some attention of your own.

so, im a little sympathetic to this behavior from the younger set, especially with the world we’re living in right now — women’s rights are actively backsliding, social media and increased beauty standards are harming young girls, boys are watching porn from like age 10 online, maybe even earlier, its not a stretch for a young girl to want to escape into a world where boys are a bit softer, where they are kind and nice and it’s a one sided relationship and you can fantasize all you want and it’s Safe. it’s not a shock that parasocial relationships between girls and whatever famous man du jour happen. that’s a story as old as time, and it’s increasing now just because of the world we’re living in.

the other piece, however, the people who are a bit older who are parroting the qanon shit about how str8 men are in secret relationships: i think it’s time to grow up a bit.

after a certain point, you should know you’re not making any kind of grand statement about society by examining men in this way that hasn’t already been made better by gender studies and queer theory scholars, you’re not fighting for gay rights by inventing things that aren’t there, by making such a big deal out of male friendship that that friendship has to end (a la larry stylinson) … you’re just showing that you havent unlearned your own internalized misogyny and have a severe case of 2010s tumblr brain meets 2020s conspiracy brain. i get wishing men were better, wishing for A Softer World, but you shouldn’t steer that anger toward WAGs and act like you’re doing anything when you use the phrase “wealthy white women” a zillion times in a 'critique' of WAGs.

‘Toxic Masculinity’ is a problem in sports, but it’s one that has demonstrably gotten better over the last decade in my opinion. and it hasn’t gotten better by manifesting straight players to be gay, it’s gotten better by changes within systems and things like pride nights and mental health awareness becoming the norm. i’m sorry if that’s boring, but it’s the truth. instead of admiring positive masculinity — the affection that the guys have for each other, it’s immediately twisted by some into proof for their thesis that x player is gay.

i remember when i learned that the root of most homophobia is actually misogyny, and that has stuck with me — that the root of hatred against gay men is often that they’re seen as effeminiate and weak, one must always be ’the woman’ in the relationship, etc etc. homophobia against gay women is because of their gender nonconformity - they will not submit to the beauty standards, submit to being lesser in a relationship, aren’t making themselves sexually available to men, etc. so how in the hell are you going to fight homophobia by being misogynistic towards WAGs.

of course, there are players in the closet. we know this, statistically there are likely to be some in any league. if anything, knowing they will be scrutinized and looked at under a microscope and shipped with anyone they even come in contact with would probably be a reason for them to NOT come out. we’ve seen the results of speculation over the sexual orientation of more famous celebrity men, usually actors - it’s not cute, it’s damaging. and not because those individual men are homophobic, but because one’s personal life isn’t any one else’s business unless they WISH TO SHARE IT! denial of the existence of a player’s wife or girlfriend is not Fighting for Gay rights or gender nonconformity, it’s just being misogynistic. and if that player turns out to treat that woman poorly, that’s likely because of misogyny too. Oops, All Misogyny. welcome to society.

have your real person fandom fun, but one must know the line between fiction and reality, one must know that the characters you create based off real people aren’t the actual real people themselves.

(this is uhhh also why im extremely wary of sports social media teams making content that is shippy in nature aaaaahhh it worries me but im tired of typing now)

#this is rather long i felt like writing an essay and that post i was sent was the perfect jumping off point #been thinking about these things for awhile #OOPS ALL MISOGYNY ITS ALL MISOGYNY #anyway this is about Shippers in sports rpf space who are tinhatters/otherwise vile toward wags

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touchingmadness · 2 years

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✦ Writeblr Reintroduction ✦

a sff writer makes a heroic return to her writeblr account after a year of relative inactivity! the audience gasps! a return!? after so long!? is that allowed!? but our heroine has no care for what is allowed! she scoffs in the face of mockery!

Hey everyone! I’m Mae Crowe (@touchingmadness)! Some of you might already know me, but most considering the upheaval in the Writeblr community recently... Well, most of you probably don’t. I’ve been on Writeblr for six years as of August 2022, but I’ve been relatively inactive for the past year due to senior year of college, thesis work, and job applications.

In the time I’ve been away, I have a new contemporary fantasy WIP in the second draft that I am excited to share, as well as three WIPs in planning stages that I’m hoping to share somewhere down the road. I am also looking for some writers and WIPs to follow, because how else do you make friends on here?

[Banner made using “Astrolava’s character creator!” picrew.]

More about me, my writing, and what I'm looking to follow below the cut. Signal boosts allowed and appreciated!

✦ About Me ✦

Again, I’m Mae Crowe (she/her). I’m 22 years old and a recent graduate with a degree in communication. In terms of hobbies, I enjoy reading, writing, cosplay, and being an utter nuisance about Star Trek. I’m biromantic-asexual, and a hopeless romantic who sadly only develops infrequent crushes and basically gets possessed by a clumsy, bumbling gentleman every time they do occur. Yes, that’s just as embarrassing as it sounds.

✦ My Writing ✦

Humanity ✦ Societal failings ✦ Consequences ✦ Hope in the dark

I don’t really limit myself to a particular genre, but I tend to favor science-fiction and fantasy. My themes are generally pretty consistent, and my storylines tend to revolve around a character’s introspection and self-actualization. Most of my work is either adult or NA due to the heavier themes I like to play with, as well as just preferring to write at least marginally older characters.

✦ Main WIP: Touched ✦

My current WIP is an NA contemporary fantasy novel about an adult “Chosen One” dealing with the realization that the organization she dedicated her childhood caused her incredible harm. At its core, it’s about how parents and authority fail us and moving past childhood trauma to build the life we want. It’s her journey of growing up, dual POV with her supposed-dead mortal enemy, and yes, of course they have a romantic arc, even if I consider the story’s focus to be on their individual development. But they’re bi4bi and ace4ace M/F, if that’s what it takes to sell someone. And the female lead is touch averse and it’s not treated as something to be fixed because I am Touch Averse and Bitter. :))))

(This is incredibly oversimplified, so let me know if you would like to be notified when the full introduction is released later this week.)

✦ Other WIPs ✦

I also have three projects that are in the planning stages that I might choose to share down the road. I can’t guarantee any of these will be formally released soon, but there’s a good chance they’ll be mentioned at least in passing.

Adult space opera. A crew of female and fem-presenting aliens go on a space road trip to ruin the wedding of the human playboy who toyed with them, building bonds with each other in the process.

Adult post-apocalyptic sci-fi. Severely wounded in a violent raid, an amnesiac man is taken in by the household of the legendary Eternal One, a mysterious and warped survivor from the Before Times.

NA contemp queer romance. A notorious flirt poses as her best friend’s boyfriend on a family vacation to help her avoid the fallout of a nasty breakup, causing hijinks and a gender crisis.

Again, I can’t guarantee that any of these will be formerly released, but if you’re interested in being alerted if/when any of them are posted, let me know.

✦ Looking For ✦

I’m looking for writers and WIPs to follow! If you’re active in the community, involved in events, or generally just share a lot (writing, tips, or whatever), I’d love to check out your blog! I likely won’t follow everyone, but I’m currently following practically no one... So...

In terms of WIPs, my favorite things are:

Contemp fantasy, soft sci-fi, gothic fantasy, genre-bending spec fic, space operas

NA or adult audience

Complicated characters, complicated relationship dynamics

Ace-spec, aro-spec, bi, and/or sapphic POV characters

Trope subversion and social commentary

Ultimately hopeful and/or cathartic stories

Creepy, quirky, and/or existential vibes

Shenanigans, humor, absurdity, and/or permission to have fun

These aren’t the only things I read, just my favorites. The only thing I probably won’t consider at all is fanfiction, simply due to fic compatibility. Just let me know what you’re excited about sharing, I’d love to hear about it!

Feel free to introduce yourself or your work in the thread, in the tags, in asks, or in DMs. I’m really excited to get to know all of you!!!

#writeblr #writeblr intro #writeblr reintro #writing #new writeblr #writeblr search #writing community #science fiction #fantasy #speculative fiction #write away my friends

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starspaceace · 8 months

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being on vacation with my dad has reminded me why i went a period of time no contact with him like. my brother put it like he’s 50 and like a libertarian which is kinda cringe get a real opinion old man. i’m going to rant because i need to write shit down

i kinda need to rant a bit like. i went no contact for a while over an argument with my brother living with him and him treating my brother like shit while that was happening but honestly i haven’t gone more than a day with my dad since i was 16 because when i was 16 i could just drive myself back to my moms house instead of doing like the weekend visits and getting into arguments every weekend but im on a week vacation with them right now

my stepmom saw that i like don’t shave my legs and wear clothes from the mens section so she’s like ‘well if there’s anything you want to tell us we support you :)’ which is. kinda funny in itself assigned gay by hairy legs but im like ok easy opportunity i guess to go well is this a gender question? they know im gay but this is a different thing im like sure non binary im not like a man but woman isn’t right yknow and she’s like well we support you :) but she i guess she tells my dad? and since that he’s upped like the “well you’re always going to be dad’s little princess” like thats a thing he’s always done (which has been and would still be annoying as someone who still identified really female. my brother doesn’t get that treatment yknow?) but it feels more. bad. also my brother and his girlfriend call me carl as a nickname for carley and my dad was weird about that like ‘her name is carley! tell them to stop calling you carl’ and asked if i would change my name to something else. like. its just a nickname even if i would change my name it wouldn’t be to carl. carl is a fine nickname until im one of them they/thems? there was also some weird comment at one point about how everyone’s bisexual now (which? my brother is just a straight man so its not even like we’re both gay its literally just me) (should’ve picked an easier to nickname name all carley gets is carl sometimes) my brothers girlfriend is with us and put it well like my stepmom just enables my dad. idk

like i told my brother its so hard to misgender me but my dad’s managed to do it somehow. like i know i see myself nonbinary but im short and fat and my voice is feminine so im just going to be perceived female? i still use she/her pronouns so like. whatever. its a thing i’ve accepted about myself but as long as i feel good about myself generally it doesn’t matter. my brother said it didn’t seem like it’s purposefully malicious but its still. something. im not sure what kind of word im looking for it. i think its just disappointing. im just wondering if they’d be like this about me being gay if i actually was like. dating. if i was “/really/“ gay instead of theoretically gay or gone on a date with one girl once gay. but since im like here and queer! im not queer in an acceptable way anymore?

in related issues my dad has like a lot of opinions but like no fucking opinion at all on anything like ? all politicians are corrupt but also socialism is bad (not exact words but like. the gist. food stamps welfare etc etc ) vaguely racist ideas (ie easily deniable, not sure he even realizes the things he’s saying are such) and throwing out weird buzzwords. called the backseat of us in the car millennials when we’re pretty solid gen z (like does he not realize he’s? like 7 years older than the oldest millennial? not far from that man you’re gen x). like if you’re going to be conservative just commit instead of pretending you’re not

my brother has been really great to be with through this experience of dealing with our dad tho in both making fun of his opinions and my gender stuff. making sure he’s not misgendering me (like asked if id rather he said sibling, i think im still ok with sister. or like my pronouns) we’re funny about it tho he said if i changed my name it should be to wolfgang or maybe pull a power move and just change it to his name and we have to fight over it. been making me feel better about everything instead of being bummed out about everything.

anyways my brother was playing our beach playlist we made and he put on one mcr song we put on there and my stepmom was like well carley can have one song but this isn’t my cup of tea but we’ll listen to it for her and i texted my brother like damn i can’t even have my gay song. they also hated on international love by pit bull so maybe they’re just haters. it’s tuesday and we’re here until saturday morning and my dads birthday is tomorrow so here’s hoping to uh. nothing eventful. worst case we drove here seperately and leave :P

#carley talks #anyways! i wanted this written because my memory is shit and i forget about stuff like this sometimes.#there’s been times my mom or my brother will be like remember shitty thing dad did and im like… kinda?but this is me words

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ghouletteanon · 9 months

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Since you‘ve shared so much about yourself/your experience in your post about the ghoulettes and body types, I’d really like to add a bit of my experience too since it‘s very similar, but I really didn‘t want to work with a ton of tags and I’m too anxious to reblog anything with anything added that is more than tags

(So you don‘t have to scroll all the way down to see who I am: it’s owlish anon)

If this bothers you, just ignore it/post without a comment ^^

As an afab Non binary Person, the way this part of the fandom views the ghoulettes has had a big influence on me too.

I have lived quite a few years of my live as a “woman“, and even now where I’ve been out everywhere for more than 2 years, I still partly live the life of a woman.

Due to my body, people still view me with female beauty standards, and I often view myself with them too (everything that isn‘t dysphoria is female beauty standards because I’m much closer to looking like a woman than a man and I got raised/grew up as a “girl” so these beauty standards were what stuck with me

As a little kiddo, I was very skinny. Like, ribs-showing skinny. My dad used to call me the “mascot of the world famine relief“ (in my first language)

When I grew older, I started to stop being so skinny. I got curves and my bones stopped showing which I so wasn‘t fine with.

My body is pretty much in between the way Raven draws Rain and the actual Cirrus (so like a bit bigger than Rain and with a belly because my body tries to protect my uterus with fat (like any afab body. It just doesn‘t really get shown in the internet)

I was always super insecure about it, until I’ve seen and read how this fandom talks about cirrus and especially cumulus.

And now I’m crocheting a top for myself that‘ll show literally all of my stomach. And I’m gonna rock that thing.

While it‘s not that I don‘t care at all, but that I‘m learning that it’s totally alright. That it’s normal that I started putting on weight especially with the start of puberty.

And that I still look good as hell.

(And also, that I can look fem on some days, or technically even all of the time, and I doesn‘t change the way that I‘m non binary.

I think that also has a lot to do with how here it‘s seemingly obvious how a body has nothing to do with how much of a woman someone is. (Which is correct ofc). And also their body doesn‘t determine how queer they are. Cause in most media, queer plus sized women or just generally queer women with curves are heavily underrepresented.

And like the way I see that this is what counts for women, I learned that it‘s what counts for me being non binary as well. My body doesn‘t determine my gender. And that is just hella great)

So in a way the way we view the ghoulettes has helped me as an enby too. A lot.

(I also regularly write femslash works in the ghost fandom, just put them on my main which I don‘t have officially connected to this blog cause yk, I’m on anon over here. But I’m gladly and happily a part of ghoulette ghumblr. Because honestly, just fucking look at them /pos)

~ @owlishanon

hi owlish!

Thank you for sharing. I relate to the being skinny as a kid part, my body was more like a runners' body but then puberty happened.

"And like the way I see that this is what counts for women, I learned that it‘s what counts for me being non binary as well. My body doesn‘t determine my gender. And that is just hella great"

^THIS! I use the label gender apathetic to describe how I relate to my body and gender, and relating to the ghoulettes helps a lot when it comes to feeling good about the way I look.

(just fyi, I have probably read your femslash works and loved them as I regularly check tags both here and on ao3 and I am grateful for everyone being brave and sharing their works)

#owlishanon #ask box replies

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kadyflowers · 1 year

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how about apollo for that ask game? also i hope you have a nice day!!

aah, thank you, thank you! Today's been okay :)

Sexuality Headcanon: Queer. Initially he went with ‘gay’ (more on this in ‘gender’, below), but I’ve reassessed this in light of my fav Klav RPer writing him as a he/they enby. Apollo had some Thoughts about this, considered it for a while, internalised everything because it was his thing to deal with without putting any pressure on his partner and because of course he did he’s Apollo Justice, and eventually decided ‘queer’ works for him.

Gender Headcanon: Trans man. Mostly stealth, although not out of shame - more just that it’s nobody else’s damn business. He does the odd bit of pro bono for the LGBTQIA+ community, and volunteers now and then at a local charity, although he tends to lean more into being gay or queer if it’s ever questioned what his connection to the community is, rather than coming out. (Which he did right before going to college, by the way.)

A ship I have with said character: Klapollo is one of my OTPs (which is sort of an oxymoron, given the ‘o’ stands for ‘one’, but I’m rolling with it and you all can deal). It takes them a while to get things sorted out, partially because Klav is always just a little bit in show mode and that messes with Apollo’s perception. Once he understands how much he can trust them, it’s not unknown for the bracelet to come off at home.

A BROTP I have with said character: Clay Terran 5ever. I headcanon they had a confused little brief teenage romance at about the age of 14-15, because their best friend feels got sort of confused and mixed up, but quickly realised they prefer being, and are better as, the bestest besties, and went back to that without any drama.

A NOTP I have with said character: Apollo/Phoenix. Phoenix is his boss and kind of older brother/father(?) figure (right down to screwing up big time now and then) and I just can’t see it.

A random headcanon: Has perfect pitch. Hates it. Klavier (whose relative pitch is phenomenal, but not actual perfect pitch) is filthy jealous.

General opinion of said Character: I prefer writing Klav to Apollo if I’m RPing, though I can do both, which is saying something; usually I have a very strong preference for one side of the pairing, to the point of finding myself pretty much unable to write the other half. Which I guess means this angry little mess of a man went and stole my heart. Damn you, Apollo Justice. I suppose that’s, well… fine. ;)

#ask game #Apollo Justice #ace attorney #klapollo

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razzek · 8 months

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Obligatory Pinned Post

Absolutely rad banner art by @cyberphuck

AO3 TheBraillebarian FurAffinity Razzek Patreon All Ages

Hi I’m Razz. I’m blind (yes really, before you ask look up what a screen reader is), an artist, a writer sometimes, too curious for my own good, and pretty nerdy. I don’t say much right now but if you want just the art and none of the chatter go to @razzekart Someday I might rewrite my blindness faq but for now there’s stuff in the “just blind things” tag.

I’m not very good at tagging things (this site is off and on a nightmare to use with disabilities) but if you need something tagged let me know and I’ll do my best. Alt text/image descriptions make my day, a sincere “thank you” to everyone who makes, uses, and adds them to posts!

Not currently in any fandoms but you may see me lurking around: Dragonriders of Pern, Metalocalypse, Spyro the Dragon, Legend of Zelda, Homestuck, and a bunch of odds and ends. I like rats, sphynx cats, dragons, bats, German shepherds, and nature in general.

I am: aro/ace, probably older than your dad, ADHD, some kind of furry, 404 gender not found, queer, don’t care what people write or draw but not a fan of anyone who thinks it’s okay to bully people over cartoons kissing. If any of that bothers you the block button is a click away. Life is too short to waste on things you hate (and the “friends” you made through hatred will devour you as soon as they run out of outsiders to torture). If you’re an anti or a terf I’ll block you to save us both the hassle; sorry you’re in a cult, it’s not my job to get you out, best of luck.

If you’re under 18 I’ll be blocking you. I’m sure you’re awesome, it’s nothing personal; I haven’t been paid to babysit and it’s not worth the potential legal trouble for me. We can hang out when you’re old enough to do drugs. Will also block if you display your age like some sort of honor badge, I’ve had nothing but bad times from that sort. I don’t care what your DNI says, I’ll block you for being the kind of asshole who demands obedience of strangers and lists their weaknesses for the real predators to take advantage of.

tl,dr:

Razz, blind, ace, older than you, queer, furry-ish (hairless rat)

cartoonist, writer, huge nerd, quiet with the occasional rambling post, open for asks, not as prickly as I seem

antis, terfs, aphobes/bigots, kids, people with DNIs need not apply (will be blocked)

#pinned post

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joviantwelve · 2 years

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well

I am loath to say it but I saw my first smattering of discourse™ on this site again so I figured I should clarify a few identity-related things about myself

OK so in general I consider the LGBT spectrum so insanely broad and gray that I feel like you can pretty much identify the way you want. it’s just terms for your own personal experience, you know? everyone’s going to experience things differently and different terms fit just as much as different clothes do

I feel like you see this so much more in irl communities and older communities & that younger people terminally online get dunked headfirst into these terms with 0 historical context and so they feel like certain labels NEED to mean one specific thing ONLY but then end up echoing the rhetoric of gatekeepers and bigots.

ESPECIALLY when you consider nonbinary folks, many without proper terms to define how they feel, because gender is a nebulous construct. and so when you define sexuality based on gender, when that’s already so blurry, well...like. c’mon.

all this to say, speaking as a he/she AFAB person, yes, he/him lesbians exist. I quite consider myself one. I’m panromantic too. doesn’t stop me from considering specific crushes sapphic, styling myself as a butch, etc. etc. you can find pics of bi lesbians from the ‘60s, you know? I feel like folks just don’t do research.

I’m also asexual, and while I never really consider it part of how I style myself as a queer person, I don’t tolerate any acephobia either. PERSONALLY I feel like the challenges facing ace folks are a little different, but I think the communities can vibe, and if someone defines that for themself as a queer experience, who am I to judge?

anyone doing any of the above because they like the terms, as they define them for themselves, is living a better life for it. anyone doing so to deliberately anger people is a troll and should not even be engaged with. so either way, leave them alone!!

IN SUMMARY it just doesn’t make sense to me to incentivize infighting in a community that’s already facing so much hardship. who would even define such a thing, a thing based on indvidual experiences and how we interact with the world? we have to stick together, folks.

if you don’t agree with me, I don’t want to hear it. this place isn’t for you. just leave, alright?

(if you have innocuous questions though, you can certainly ask, just be sure to be clear it’s genuine curiosity, haha. had to block someone I was interested in making friends with today, so my patience is thin.)

#text #intro #putting this in intro as i feel like it is something to know about #esp before following me or sth #genderposting

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moki-dokie · 2 years

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hmmmmm, maybe unpopular opinion time but also... personal opinion time?

i see a lot of people saying that anyone who identifies outside of the gender binary is trans and. i’m in a paradoxical relationship with this statement.

on the one hand, yeah, i guess, by technicality, it is true. anyone who doesn’t identify with the assigned birth sex is, by definition, trans.

on the other hand... no. that isn’t the label i vibe with and isn’t one i care for others to call me.

sort of like how one can be queer simply for the fact of exploring their sexuality and finding their comfort zones but also not being queer for the fact that the end result of that was confirming they are indeed heterosexual and cisgendered.

i think part of it is being grown and set in ways already by the time ‘transgender’ came into regular use, maybe. like, i understand it goes back to the 60s but the first time i ever heard the word wasn’t until after i had already graduated high school. we... didn’t even have a name for it, really. transvestite was about as close as it came. now the first time i heard of folks being something other than their own gender came much earlier. i learned about FTM and MTF (as they were still called then) surgeries around 12 years old. don’t even remember how i came about learning of it, but i did. but there was never any sort of label attached to it like ‘transgender’. they were just... people. people who didn’t feel comfortable in their own bodies. that was how i felt. and lmao i was ‘outed’ (i didn’t even realize it was so far outside of being heteronormative that it risked ‘outing’ or disapproval in general. rip.) because i had written to my penpal (yes i still had one at 12!) about coming across this and how in the future someday i wanted a surgery like this because i’ve never felt like a girl in all my life and though i didn’t quite feel like a boy either, that felt at least closer to what i felt. by a LOT. anyway my mom read the letter before i sent it and as you can imagine things did not go well. yet even in the midst of screaming at me and shaming me so badly my brother had to step in and tell her to shut the fuck up, the word ‘transgendered’ was never used. it just... wasn’t part of our vocabulary yet in small town oklahoma. you were gay, lesbian, or bi and how you expressed gender didn’t really seem to factor into anything.

and it wasn’t like we didn’t have many queer folks. hell, my whole friend group was. quite a handful of openly gay men i remember going to school with, openly bi women, a couple of lesbians, and even myself and my best friend at the time were open about not being straight (we settled on bi just because that was pretty much the closest thing we had and it worked). my other best friend, one of the gay men, often took me into the downtown metro to hang in what we call the gayborhood lol just like, a little district that’s always belonged to the gays. but i met a lot of older queers there from all walks of life. still, never heard ‘transgender’ used.

i never met someone who was openly transgender, either, until one of my online acquaintances moved here in 2012, when i was 23. at that time he still referred to himself as FTM more than he did trans. unrelated, but he was kind of a jerk so we only hung out like once. then in 2013 a good friend of mine from a game moved here, he was also trans, and this was the first time i started to hear ‘transgender’ used very regularly and STILL he, at first, used FTM transgender, but later started using transman. And about 2013, i’d say, is when i started hearing it a lot more around here as well. since then, it’s become as regular here as it is in the rest of the country. i think it just took a bit for social media + mobile tech to get everyone in the loop around here.

but, point is, i was 24 when i *started* to hear it normally and start associating the word with what it was, which AT THE TIME, simply meant man to woman or woman to man. it wouldn’t be until several years later, lots of questions for my friend, giving him T shots, finding other trans people to be friends with, more and more reading, that i would come to learn it meant more than just that and is still ever evolving.

so regardless of knowing it now, it isn’t what i grew up with. i grew up with not needing a label for it and that was just fine. i didn’t need a word to tell my friends i don’t really feel like i’ve ever been a girl and i’ve always been more comfortable as ‘one of the boys’ even if calling myself a boy didn’t hit the mark either. they understood, and everyone carried on. i don’t like putting a label to my gender because i don’t feel it needs one. but ultimately i ended up going with genderfluid just cause it felt a little more accurate with the way it can change a bit day to day, depending on the situation, and depending on company. ‘fluid’ felt better and hasn’t gone through quite the same kind of evolution that ‘trans’ has. and i mean call me old but lol the less i have to update my fucking identities like they’re phone apps the better. fluid is fluid. the majority of us remember basic elementary science to know what a fluid is. unless something truly bizarre and radical happens, fluid is always going to mean the same thing, hence my choice for it.

so it’s not that i dislike the word trans, not by a longshot. but in the very short time i’ve had an understanding of it, it has changed rather drastically and i’ve never gotten comfortable with what it means in relation to me, specifically. and there is still part of me that automatically tacks on FTM or MTF to it as well because that change has been extremely recent. who knows, maybe in another 10-15 years when i’ve had proper time to sit with it, my opinion may change. but then again, so too might the word.

for similar reasons, i prefer queer as an overall identity. i simply don’t give a shit enough to find some highly specific box to shove myself into. i love that other people DO want that, but me, personally, i don’t need or want it. queer is quite enough. just like i don’t dislike new iterations of the pride flag, but for me, personally, i always vibe with the original since it was always meant to include everyone under the queer umbrella, period.

i think the one thing i’ve only ever really been adamant about being specific with is my romantic inclination. and that is mainly because, in my personal experience, our western civilization has taken WAY more issue with non-monogamy than it ever has with gender or sexual identities. because i’ve received more hate and theological lectures on the evils of it. because i’ve been shunned way more, called harsher and more slurs and insults simply for being poly than i ever have for being queer or fluid. being a threat to the fundamentally christian nuclear family unit has ostracized me more some-fucking-how so it ends up being the one i get particularly picky and vocal about. i mean, don’t get me wrong my friends and i got a lot of bullying and what my mother put me through was horrible, but at least in general, it was easy to find support elsewhere. i at least KNEW there were other people like me in regard to sex and gender. but, i didn’t learn what polyamory was until i was 26 and my dudes, it wasn’t for a lack of trying to figure it out. yet no matter how many friends i talked to about it or tried my best to describe it, i was the weird one, the unfaithful one, the whore, the cheater, the heartbreaker. the person who might as well have just walked around wearing a scarlet A as far as everyone was concerned. the one people constantly said shit like ‘you just want to sleep around with no consequences’ to. or the nicest thing someone could say about it was ‘oh... thats uhhh interesting?’ and frankly that hurt more than everything else did. just because i had room in my heart to care for more than one person, somehow that made me Wrong. and for a long time i honestly thought there was just something wrong with me, and people hated it so much. man i spent SO FUCKING LONG trying to find other people like this. it was, yet again, a case of terminology lagging behind in my particular area and not yet really being in predominantly queer spaces online just yet to come across it. i’d gotten too afraid to ask about it anymore. and convinced it was just another fucked up part of my psyche that was broken from multiple childhood traumas, i gave up trying to find answers.

it wasn’t until i got bored one day and decided to actually curate the tumblr i had for many years and find some fun blogs to follow that were more than like, aesthetic things. i don’t even remember what fandom or ship it was about, just that i came across a post that mentioned polyamory in a ship and confused about what that word meant, looked it up and had my mind fucking blown and a huge goddamn weight off my shoulders.

see, i never really sought out a way to specify gender and sex identities because they already existed, even if a somewhat murky concept, and i knew people who were people just like me. i was satisfied with what i had. i never really felt the need for validation on that particular front. and, on top of that, both are pretty vague anyway, and i’ve always been ok with that. but the one part of me i did so desperately search to understand and be understood in turn? that evaded me despite looking for it. it was something i NEEDED a word for, a way to explain because it seemed nobody in the world but me understood it whereas most people had an awareness and grasp on not-heterosexual and not-strictly-man/woman already. so i think, at least, thats why it is that one box i’ll happily put myself in.

don’t really have much point to any of this other than circling back around to a previous post about how i just kind of hate, in general, that we HAVE to have this language in the first place when there have been points in history we didn’t. it’ll never not be infuriating that simply being uniquely human will always be ‘other’ and will never be enough in my lifetime. and maybe also to point out to respect what older queers choose to call themselves.

#personal

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chanlixsbf · 2 years

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I HAVE COME TO RANT. EMOTIONAL LABOR IS A LOT WHEN YOUR MY AGE SO LET ME HAVE THIS. I’m gonna be talking about a lot; Transphobia, gender, gender identity, racism, black trauma, my general quite shit dad, and other things! Not all of these topic are related.

Act one: my dickhead of a dad that my mom and sister still put up with.

Okay so my dad is not at all good dad. He got shit from his dad that has been pushed on to and me older sister and I (being the second out of four) was the one to say no fuck this he’s being an asshole. And so I did. BUT THIS MAN IS SO INSECURE. LIKE ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY. one time I came up to him and said something along the lines of ‘hey, that thing you said earlier when I was talking to you about my gender was kind mean and made me feel like shit.’ AND THIS FULL GROWN ADULT MAN WHO IS MARRIED TO A QUEER WOMAN AND HAS TWO QUEER CHILDREN SAID ‘oh well I don’t want to hear about that because I am comfortable in myself.’ OKAY? GOOD FOR YOU! YOU ARE A GUY! GUESS WHAT ASSHOLE. IM NOT AND I AM YOUR CHILD. I AM A PERSON. YOU SHOULD BE LISTENING TO ME. ESPECIALLY SINCE I AM TAKING THE TIME AND THE WEIGHT OF THIS MENTALLY TO DEAL WITH YOUR INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIC SHIT. BECAUSE I AM WILLING TO. like just say you very uncomfortable with trans people and go. Like jfc. You wife literally uses they/she dick head. Anyway he’s sucks dick and is one of those people who goes “oh I can’t be transphobic! My kid is trans!” LIKE YES YOU CAN DICK HEAD. WHY DO YOU FEEL SO THREATENED IF YOU SO COMFORTABLE THEN? AND A ANOTHER THING. when I said I didn’t want to watch a lot of the movies that are supposed to be reflective of a different time or are priory films and they say slurs that apply to me and that make me uncomfortable cause I have to live thru that pretty much every day just for existing he said “well it’s good to know about this history and to be aware of it!” MOTHER FUCKER I AM THE HISTORY. NOT WHAT EVER WHITE WASHED BULLSHIT YOU WANNA SHOW ME BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY AS A KID. If we are being honest I probably know more about the history than he does. why tf is he saying anything. IF I DONT WANNT HEAR THE WORD FAG OR COON OR NIGGA IN A MOVIE BECAUSE THIS IS WHERE I LIVE AND I WANT TO ENJOY MY TIME THEN FUCK OFF. LIKE SHUT YOUR BLONDE HAIR BLUE EYE WORKS IN THE MILITARY ASS UP. YOUR PEOPLE TOOK THE COMFORT THAT MINE HAD. GIVE ME THIS MOMENT OF PEACE.

Act two: what the fuck is gender?

So I am Demifluid, I am basically just genderfluid with extra steps. And so like. I am trans which I know and it’s whatever. But I don’t ever actually give a shit about the being seen as trans like if I tell you I’m trans and I’m wearing a crop top that’s so high cut You can see my bra and short skit then you believe I am trans it don’t fucking matter. But it always feels weird to say oh I am transmasc on some days and I am transfem on other cause on one end I don’t feel like I count as a dude cause…tits and I don’t feel like a trans woman cause I was born afab and I know that’s not who it’s works and I’m just trying to unlearn it all. Blah. Gender sucks.

I am not looking for advice! I am just getting feelings out.:)

#lol hi anyway.#my dad very obviously sucks ass #and my sister or mom don’t realize it

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l-gbtqstorie-s · 2 years

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This is my interview with Laurence! He is 17, uses he/him pronouns, and is from Puerto Rico:

[TW for self harm and suicidal thoughts]

How do you identify?

I identify as Bisexual and Trans FTM

How has your community reacted to your identity?

I think both of my identities get some hate within the community but the majority of the interactions I’ve had with my community have been great.

How have you struggled with mental health in the past?

Almost my entire life I’ve struggled with mental health because of how I was raised and the things I was put through. I never saw a reason in living I just kept going because I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do. In 7th grade I got into a bad relationship that made things a lot worse. I cut myself once and cried so often. All I could think about was killing myself because that would be easier than dealing with everything that was going on. I got called to the principals office once because I said I wanted to kill myself and I was sent to therapy but I refused to go. I also deal with a lot of social anxiety and anxiety in general. It’s so bad that I refuse to seek help even if I’m drowning because I would rather drown myself than ask something as simple as “hey can you help me?”. To this day I struggle daily with mental health.

Have you ever been outed to someone when you weren’t ready to share that information? How did this affect you?

My best friend actually outed me to one of her friends. I didn’t really have an issue with it but I wish she would’ve discussed it with me before telling someone I didn’t know. It made me a tad bit uncomfortable that someone I had never met knew one of my biggest secrets. She had good intentions but that didn’t sit right with me.

How did coming out to people affect your mental health?

Most of my friends are either queer themselves or ally’s so coming out to them about both identities wasn’t so difficult though it was still very hard. I found it a lot harder to come out as trans than coming out as bisexual. And with my family I’ve actually only come out to my big brother since the rest of my family is not so accepting. it went better than expected so it didn’t affect my mental health in a negative way but in a positive way. (To make it clear I only told my brother I was bi, he doesn’t know I’m trans as well since that’s something I don’t think he’d accept as fast)

If you identify as Trans/Nonbinary, how has living in a gendered society affected you?

It’s very difficult for me at least. It constantly bothers me as to why gender is such a huge part of society. It’s scary to me that I’m more vulnerable to hatred just because I’m a bit different then a cis man. My mother is one of those old school people that doesn’t understand anything about the LGBTQ+ so she’s always asking why I don’t like to dress like “the woman I am” she tells me I have a beautiful body and face that are going to waste. but it’s not only her. Everyone around me tells me how much more beautiful I’d be if I would succumb to gender roles and started wearing makeup or pretty dresses and had long beautiful hair. It’s difficult to live this way but it feels like I have to for my own survival. I wish things were different and I could be myself but unfortunately I have to wait till I’m older to be who I want to be.

What was your experience with gender roles growing up?

My mom wanted a girl badly after having 2 boys so she prayed to god for a girl and I came. Before I was even born I was subjected to a gender role. Growing up I was constantly told to put on more clothing when my brothers friends came by, told to close my legs because it’s not lady like to have them open, told I had to sit a certain way because I was girl, told I couldn’t play certain things, do certain things just because I was born a girl. I looked at the way my brothers were treated and I was jealous. I asked why I was being treated differently and the answer was “because your a girl and they’re not” and I didn’t understand why it mattered so much.

Growing up, did you have any positive LGBTQ role models? Who were they? Did these people/this person make it easier for you to come to terms with your identity?

Well growing up I have absolutely no LGBTQ+ role models. I was growing up in a time where that was very rare to see and not talked about often or at all. I unfortunately grew to be very homophobic and transphobic. I only grew out of all that because of my first crush on a girl. We met in freshman year of high school and at first we were just friends but the closer we got the more our relationship started to change and I came to realize I liked them. Because of that I started to research more about my feelings and the community and all of my opinions changed completely. Thank god lmao I’d hate to still have that awful mindset.

Is there anything else you would like to add/ do you have any advice for people in the same boat as you?

I’m not great at advice but I’d like to say that this isn’t easy. The more you learn and grow the harder and more confusing things get and sometimes it feels like things will never change. It’s hard and it’s easy to feel like it’ll all never change. I’m not gonna bullshit you and say shit gets easier or it’ll all be okay because you wouldn’t believe me anyways but you’re absolutely gonna wanna see how you turned out in a few years. I know I want to see myself become who I really am, and I want you to also see yourself like that one day. That day will come eventually I’m sure of it, for both of us. Just hang in there. I know it isn’t easy trust me even I wanna give up but I have hope that things will get better. It’s like a very small sliver of hope but it’s there! And that’s really all you need. Keep trying and even if you fail, try again, because you’ll make it and hey if you try and fail all that matters is that you tried! Don’t give up. Your a lot stronger than you think and always remember you are NOT alone. There’s someone out there waiting for your messages every day, don’t keep them waiting too long<3

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ladyloveandjustice · 2 years

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The ending to the Dear Brother anime is, weirdly, more heteronormative than the manga???

Like, you think it would be the opposite since one was 20 years after the other but nope.

First of all, I knew this was a class S originator, none of the queer relationships would work out in the end and there was going to be that subtext that “this stuff is okay in high school but you’re going to conform to your expected gender role and meet a man in the end”, but I was a little shocked that the anime came out and SAID IT.

Fukiko pissing all over her sister’s grave. wow. and just to hammer it in, they have Rei’s phantom come up and confirm,: yes, none of my feelings were legitimate because they weren’t for a man, also you will someday also find a man to love.

and then Nanako’s mother also tells her she hasn’t truly loved because she hasn’t been with a man too.

These lines actually aren’t in the manga! The anime went out of it’s way to add this!

Another thing that isn’t in the manga is Kaoru going from never ever wearing skirts to wearing skirts the second she gets married. This is what she wears in the manga:

She’s more feminine and that’s a Choice, but she’s wearing pants still, on what may well be her wedding day, whereas in the anime it’s like, now that’s i’m married to a man it’s gotta be in a wedding dress and even in the airport I’m in a skirt:

(also her outfit is much nicer and suits her more in the manga, just saying).

But that’s kind of small compared to the literal last line of the anime reassuring everyone that yes, now that Nanako is older she has also found a man as is appropriate, as is real, like her mother said!

(last minute addition- I was looking at some stuff, and saw someone say Nanako doesn’t specify a gender in the original language. I can’t confirm, but listening she doesn’t actually say ‘man’ here, so it’s probable. Still, considering the rest of the episode, and the fact she compares this person to her brother, I think the audience is SUPPOSED to think it’s a man- but it’s nice, at least, that there’s some wiggle room to interpret it otherwise-perhaps that was purposeful, perhaps not.)

whereas the manga says nothing about Nanako’s future romantic prospects, nor does anyone say or imply Nanako’s feelings for Rei weren’t real. Rather, the last line is just BTW KAORU’S DEAD which is pretty awkward I’ll admit

I’m glad Kaoru gets to live in the anime, on the other hand, this addition makes it clear the manga just loves tragedy for everyone, not just girl/girl couples, which feels more even-handed.

The upside of the anime compared to the manga is that it’s a lot less heavily implied Mariko will end up with dude-that-makes-her-skin-crawl. They pretty much completely forget about that at the end of the anime, so Mariko is spared! Hurray! Whereas in the manga, it’s much more heavily implied she’s going to end up with him (also he sucks a lot more in general. The dudes suck a lot more in the manga than the anime, so thanks to the anime for improving on that.) with Nanako even saying “she’s gonna marry him soon I’m so sure!”

But.

In the manga there’s no lines that slap you in the face and say “IF YOU LOVE A GIRL YOU HAVEN’T EXPERIENCED REAL LOVE” like in the anime. Almost every relationship ends in tragedy and only the straight relationships are implied to have a chance to be consummated, but it doesn’t feel as repeatedly belittling of these girls romantic attractions to each other as the anime suddenly is at the last minute. And the last episode IS a huge 180, because up until then, Mariko, Nanako, Rei -and even Fukiko’s horrible fucked up feelings- WERE treated like ‘real love”. But the last episode seems to try to cram in as many “BTW IT’S ONLY LOVE IF IT’S A WOMAN WITH A MAN” psas as possible, when the manga didn’t feel the need.

I wonder if it was to cover their butts because they thought they might get heat about it or something if they didn’t, or was it simply Riyoko Ikeda didn’t feel the need to backpedal as much on her character’s feelings in the 1970s as a guy directing an anime in 1990′s did? If so, what does that say?

Overall, I like the anime better than the manga- the characters have room the breathe, everything is more developed, it’s not just a string of sad things happening- but they sure made a Choice with that last episode. They really did.

#nev watches dear brother #dear brother #oniisama e #homophobia

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