#I'm just a depresso shot | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sansxfuckyou · 1 month

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crawling up the skin of my spine

summary: it's the beginning of the end when Raph's egg absolutely fucking shatters after years small cracks, thank god Cassandra is there to hold her hand through it

warnings: swearing, cass accidentally outs raph to april, check ao3 port for full tags

authors note: inspired by all of the magnificent raphcass that @less-depresso-more-espresso drew, go check it out. it's all really good and makes me insane. title from Alrighty Aphrodite by Peach Pits. if ya'll enjoyed considering dropping a reblog or checkin the Ao3 port.

"I think I'm a girl." Raphael's words floated atop the otherwise rampant sound of rubber on rubble as his brothers shot down Kraang.

"That's great and all, but can we please wait until we're not on the run to discuss this!?" Cassandra practically screamed back, a thick tentacle slamming against the window and shattering it. She hacked it in twain with her hockey stick, the blades of her skates tied onto the bottom.

"Yeah, sure, Raph understands." He keeps driving their ramshackle truck because somewhere along the line they had to ditch the tank. Now they have to fight to keep their microscopic trailer with only bedding essentials and food intact as they try to survive. Survive and plan a way to win, they're already beelining it to a colder climate in hopes of deterring the Kraang.

Raphael really hopes that this sudden spike of 'girl thoughts' isn't the start of something bigger.

None of the others were.

-/-/-/-

Snow is sprinkling down on them when they finally take a rest, the last Kraang hundreds of miles back and past the border. They snuck through a small crack in border security when a guard was off taking a leak. The smell of pine and the sound of rushing water envelopes them from all sides as they set up camp.

Setting up camp consists of finding dry wood and popping the cover for the bed of the truck so some of them can sleep in it. But it's harder than expected to find dry wood, and Michelangelo took it upon himself to use this freshwater advantage for fishing.

He and April are out kneedeep in the river, trying to snag fish by hand while Donatello and Leonardo are out looking for dry wood that'll light. Raphael and Cassandra are setting up the bedding for the night, spreading few pillows and blankets across the hitch trailer, truckbed, and passenger seat.

"You want to be a girl," Cassandra begins as she steps down from the truck bed, and it takes Raphael a moment to process the words.

"Well, I think it'd be nice. We're all gonna die by the Kraang, so why not have some fun?" Raphael began with as he watched her slash at a tree with her hockey stick for burning wood. Midswing she turns to look at him, askew hair she hasn't trimmed in months just barely fluttering atop her eyes. He stammers to speak, "That's stupid, I'm stupid."

She drops her gear and walks over to Raphael, gripping the front of his plastron and yanking him down to eye level, her strength still amazes him. She holds his face, even with the rough scars, "You're not dumb. You're a dumb ass, big difference." Cassandra lets go and steps back, watching the red starting to rise to Raphael's face.

"Thanks, Cass," Raphael said quietly.

Cassandra grins and pats him on the shoulder, "Good. Now let's get chopping, I don't wanna freeze out here, Raph."

-/-/-/-

Cassandra can't sleep at night, stuck in the hitch trailer with April and window ajar for fresh, wintry air. She stares at the roof, those dumb glow in the dark stars dimly lit up, and her eyes focus and blur back and forth. April lays beside her, resting on her side and stealing most of the blanket with her torn jacket as a pillow.

"What's got your knickers in a knot?" April asked abruptly.

"What's got your knickers in a knot, O'Neil?" Cassandra answers with sharply, aware she shouldn't say what's on her mind despite how much it's stuck right on the tip of her tongue.

"Raphael's been off," April said bluntly.

Oh no.

Oh no, no, no.

Cassandra can only pray that April doesn't keep prattling on because if she does the ravenette knows something stupid and exposing will fall out of her mouth.

"He's so quiet, and awkward. He's always been a bit different, but this? Whole new level of Raph weirdness, all he does is drive us to the new spot these days. And chop the wood and bash some baddies if he gets a chance, but he's missing that Raphael Hamato spunk!"

Cassandra bites her tongue and tries not to speak.

April sighs, "Do you know what's wrong with him?"

"Her."

"What?"

Shit.

April sits up to face Cassandra. She reaches for her glasses before staring down her teammate, "Cassandra Jones, care to explain yourself?"

She really doesn't, but her survival instincts also don't wanna be on the receiving end of April's cold shoulder. "I wasn't supposed to say shit about it, but Raphael's… different now, wants to be a girl different."

April goes dead silent.

"Tell her I told you this and you're dead." There's a snarl under Cassandra's tone.

"I figured as much, Cass," April said, "Raph's a girl now?"

Cassandra nodded, "He isn't one hundred percent yet due to circumstances and the apocalypse happening, but oh yeah, Raphael's a girl."

"Always thought it woulda been Mikey." April gives a hum of laughter.

Cassandra takes a deep breath before pressing both hands to her face, palms resting on her cheekbone. "Fuck. I wasn't supposed to tell anyone. Especially not her brothers, you better not squeal."

"I would never."

Cassandra nods.

"Anything else bugging ya?"

"Is it wrong that the first thing I thought when he told me was 'thank god I'm still a lesbian?'" Shame rests heavy on her usually aggressive and in your face voice. A vulnerability the Kraang invasion has only further shoved into hiding.

It takes a second for April to process the words, "I don't think I'm qualified to answer that question." She laughs nervously after she speaks.

"Can we go down to Hot Topic tomorrow? Buy some accessories for Raph?"

"You just said she isn't one hundred percent sure."

"Might help her solidify it."

-/-/-/-

"Look, Raph," Cassandra begins with quietly, words low and slow. It's night time, well, the evening at the least. Snow melts as it hits them, sprawled out in the back of the truck as the rest of their team tells tales around a roaring campfire.

"Yeah?" Raph said, trying to pitch his voice a bit higher.

"I'm not too good at this being a girl thing myself even though I had my entire life to be one properly," She confesses, a bit of shame on her voice. She wants to be there for Raph. Be a mentor. Know some helpful stuff. But she doesn't, only the bare minimum. "The one thing I do know is that my mom always made me wear dresses with lots of bows and frills, and grandma bought me accessories."

"I can't, I'm a giant turtle, Cass. I can't just go out there and buy some dresses."

Cassandra pauses, and when she speaks her voice is quiet, "You can tie your mask tails in a bow, or change how you wear it."

Silence.

"I don't know how to tie bows."

Cassandra jolts up before gripping Raph's hand, he'd started to file down his nails with the sharp edges of his sai. He sits up and then she's crawling overtop of him to get at his mask, "I'll do it for ya then."

And Raph would shove her off, but it's nice. Being close to someone, having her calloused hands undo his mask and just hold it for a moment. Proximity too close, flames from afar casting a golden glow on her face and Cassandra's never taken a moment to look at Raph so closely before. The golden sclera, the scars, the way the scales darken around her eyes like eyeliner-

Woah.

Where did that come from?

Her. Cassandra hasn't really thought of Raph as 'her' inside of her own monologue so casually before. It's nice. It feels comfortable.

And Raph just stares unblinking at Cassandra until finally the silence is broken with a bit of a laugh, deep, hearty, "You gonna do up my mask, or?"

"Right. Yeah. The mask." Cassandra is quick to lay it around Raph's neck and tie it into a loose bow. Almost a bandana-esque look.

Then she rears back from Raph to sit a few feet away, watching as the snapper plays with the bandana on his neck. He smiles a bit. Then that smile falls. "What if the guys ask questions?"

"You don't have to tell them shit."

"But they're my brothers."

"You'll get there, I promise. Took me years to tell anyone I liked kissing girls, a couple more to explain I only liked kissing girls."

Raph feels his stomach turns at that. A good kind of stomach turn perhaps, maybe it's butterflies, but he can't tell. He just nods, "Raph gets it, it's hard to be vulnerable."

"Thanks for being vulnerable with me."

"What?"

"Nothing."

-/-/-/-

Cassandra looks out of place inside of the kind of clothing stores April fits in at, and even though eyes bore holes into her she persists in shopping.

No one says anything and she knows that in NYC she'd already be kicked out for looking so different, but she's in Canada now. The land of mild mannered people and snow, so far both of those notions are holding true.

April holds the bag and Cassandra grabs everything that she thinks would compliment Raph, it's hard to tell though because the girl she's buying for is a massive turtle. She buys arm warmers that are three sizes too big for her so they'll be loose on Raph. She grabs necklaces and bracelets even though she doubts that Raph will wear them, they look nice. She buys skirts and the cashier gives her odd looks at the sizing but rings them through anyways.

For Raph.

A million sharp glances and judging glares.

For her Cassandra thinks that she'd do anything and she hasn't felt that in years upon years.

It's euphoria.

-/-/-/-

"Me and April went out shopping for ya."

They're laying in the hitch trailer when Cassandra said it.

"You and April?" Raph answered with.

Cassandra gives a nervous laugh, "It was a mistake when she learned, she was suspecting anyways."

Raph huffs and turns away from her and it stings but yeah, Cassandra deserved that.

"We got you skirts. And arm warmers. And necklaces. And other accessories." Cassandra tries to recover with as she stands up and looks for the bag in the moonlit camper.

That piques Raph's interest. She turns back around and sits up before Cassandra unceremoniously dumps the items on the floor. Raph is hesitant to sift through them, but once she starts, it's hard to stop.

"Like 'em?" She asked with a bit of a grin on her face.

"Love 'em." Raph slid on the arm warmers over her spiked arms and they tore through a bit but that was fine. They were deep reds and blacks and complimented her mask that she wore as a bandana sometimes. Even less times tied around her tail.

Cassandra thinks her eyes are playing tricks on her but she's pretty sure that Raph is glowing in the pale moonlight. She can't help but lean her head on her palm, knees crossed and elbow propped. She tries not to look too lovesick, but hey, whose to blame if it's obvious?

Raph is too wrapped up in her brand new outfits to take note of Cassandra's disposition.

-/-/-/-

"I think I like you!" Cassandra shouted as her and Raph sparred.

In that same split second the snapper drops her guard and a fist lands square in her maw. She doesn't go stumbling but she does lurch back shock on her face as she rubs her jaw.

She opens her mouth to speak, but not much else comes out aside from a few sounds that could become words. They don't become words. Instead she gestures as she tries to process those five words shot at her with more force than any attack.

Red steadily rises to Cassandra's face as she waits for a response.

When no response comes she does the opposite of what Raph expects.

She turns tail and fucking runs.

Raph is too shell-shocked at the suddenness of Cass's confession to even try to run after her, tail swishing back and forth like a dogs.

-/-/-/-

"Cass!"

The woods echo back at Raph mockingly.

Bugs chitter.

Birds croon.

Water rushes.

Cass does not respond.

Raph just clenches her fist and gives a small aggravated exclamation before trudging deeper into the woods. She's gotta find Cass. She needs to, April's gonna freak if she doesn't, Leo's gonna blow his lid, Mikey's gonna explode, and Donnie, Raph isn't so sure how Donnie will react but it'll be bad.

Her tail thrashes along trees and claws mark them as she goes deeper into the underbrush so she doesn't get lost. Just follow the water, the camp is downstream from here. Her skirt gets torn up a bit as she goes, sap and pitch stain her shirt, she's a mess.

"Cass!"

"What?!"

That's a good sign even if there is annoyance on the voice, Raph follows it.

She's panting a bit when she finally finds Cass next to a tree, half squatting and nudging a stick around in fallen pine needles and dirt. Tears definitely aren't streaking down her face, palm raised to smudge them and some eyeliner across her face.

Raph sits down next to her but before she can speak Cass is already opening her mouth.

"Sorry."

"What?"

"For falling in love with you, it's dumb. I'm dumb. I should know better than that. Love is for sissies," Cass rambled before heaving a long sigh, "I'm just, I'm sorry okay!"

Raph doesn't know how to answer to that, "What if, what if I loved you too? What then?"

"It'll kill you too."

"No it won't."

"Everyone I've loved gets hurt. I'm not safe. I don't want to hurt you."

Raph grabs Cass's face and wipes aside the tears and the smudged makeup, "I'm stronger than them."

And Cass fucking laughs as she relaxes into Raph's hands, her own coming up to grip the now sticky and pine littered arm warmers. She laughs and she cries and she hiccups and it's ugly and a far cry from pretty but Raph doesn't care.

"You won't hurt me, hell, all you've done is help me, Cass." Raph presses her forehead head to Cass's and the human butts her head against the snappers like a cat. Raph pulls back but doesn't let go of Cass's face, "Thanks for being vulnerable with me, Raph gets it."

Cass has the boldness to press a kiss to Raph's inner wrist and a muted red rose to her face. Cass just smirks, "So, Raph," She pauses as her voice cracks and a hiccup hits her as she comes down from crying, "What's your name?"

"Renetta, but, you can call me Raph."

It's an offer more than a statement, but Cass holds onto that offer as tight as she learns to hold onto Renetta's hand.

#rottmnt #rottmnt fanfiction #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #raphcass #tmnt raphael #tmnt cassandra jones #tmnt april o'neil #transfem raph #writing #fanfic #fanfiction

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thehollowwriter · 1 year

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Summary: Octavinelle helps afab reader get their period stuff

(Pls reblog and leave a comment ❤)

I Can Do It!

▪Azul is

▪Confused

▪No idea what he's looking at

▪Confidently tells you he knows exactly what you need when he leaves and now that he's there he is at a loss

▪So many options... why do some of them have wings?!?!? Do they fly or something?!

▪Has the urge to buy all of them, but since he's stingy he shoves his pride and phones you

▪Your description confuses him even more, and it takes at least fifteen minutes for him to understand what you're talking about

▪Once he finally gets what you need, he comes home all proud of himself, but also a little embarrassed that he had to ask you for help in the end anyways

▪He's at your beck and call if there's anything else you need

'"I-I admit I was little... overly confident but..just ask, and you shall receive, my love."

▪Jade is prepared

▪He triple checked what you wanted and even wrote it down to be sure

▪He may phone you to check one more time, but it's unlikely

▪It's an in and out trip- He grabs what you need (and perhaps that little mushroom plushie he saw too) and leaves

▪He also grabs you a treat from that one store you like, to brighten your mood

▪Jade is not entirely sure how periods work, so he will be doing extensive research to make you as comfortable as possible

▪He, too, is quite proud of himself when he arrives home, but is mostly happy that you have what you need

▪He'll bend over backwards for you- whatever you need, just ask

"Ah, it was no hassle, I was able to find it quite easily. Hmm? You want another favour from me~? Do not fret, my little mushroom, I don't mind at all~"

▪Floyd is also very confused

▪He didn't exactly ask what you needed, he just shot right to the store as you asked

▪Now he standing in the aisle staring at all the options with the most confused expression you'll ever see on his face

▪He ends up buying one pack of everything, but also a few extra packs of the more expensive ones (they seem nicer, don't they?)

▪He's nowhere near as stingy as Azul, he'll gladly buy a whole shop if you want

▪He comes home with so much that he needs at least three packets, smiling at you brightly in the doorway

▪If you don't want all of them, just choose one or two and he'll maybe take the rest back tomorrow

▪Usually when you need something, he tends to be willing to do it, with rare exceptions

"Ne ne, Seashell, I had no idea what you wanted so I just got it all! Eh? What's with that face? Eeh, wel I'm not gonna go all the way back now..."

.....................................A/N: So uh... Yeah I'm swamped with work so I thought I'd put at least something out that I've had for a bit. I wrote this when I was sick so forgive me if it's bad

Tagging: @honey-milk-depresso

#twisted wonderland x reader #azul ashengrotto x reader #jade leech x reader #floyd leech x reader #octavinelle x reader

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azalawa-scroggs · 5 months

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In Which I Kill Miles Edgeworth Repeatedly

I really didn't need to be enabled, but who doesn't like to be enabled? So I signed up for @killacharacterbingo, in order to keep writing my little depresso shots and feel like I'm doing something productive with it. The challenge is to write several fics where the same character dies, and each fic crosses a box on the bingo card. I'm aiming for the black-out. I deeply apologise to all my followers.

More seriously, I know major character death is a big turn-off for many readers, which I fully respect. Feel free to block my tag for it, which will be #Miles Edgeworth Didn't Choose Death (even though in some of them, he will). There will also be specific content warnings where applicable. And MCD will obviously be warned for every time. If I ever miss a warning, feel free to tell me, of course.

Anyway, here is the first of those fics.

These walls echo with your absence

Rating: G Major Character Death Gen Miles Edgeworth & Gregory Edgeworth Tags: Alternate DL-6, Miles Dies Instead, Unhappy Ending, Grief/Mourning, Gregory Edgeworth Needs A Hug, Child's Death

Gregory doesn't die in the DL-6 incident. Instead he has to learn to live with the worst fate that can befall a parent.

Ray drove him home after the funeral. Gregory himself was in no state to.

He sat silently during the ride, clutching at the urn in his hands. His eyes were dry, staring ahead at nothing, as they had been for the whole service. He remembered nothing of it.

“Thank you, Raymond,” he murmured when they arrived. “I appreciate it.”

“Do you have something to eat for tonight?” Ray asked. Gregory smiled at him, touched by his concern even through the fog that had fallen over him. The expression felt foreign, and the muscles of his face stretched painfully, like they had fallen out of use.

“Yes. Don't worry about me, please. I'll manage. Thank you for everything.”

Raymond hesitated, then gave in, biding him goodnight and telling him to take care of himself. Gregory gave another difficult smile and watched as his assistant drove away.

Truth was, he wasn't sure if he had something planned for dinner. He couldn't recall. But it didn't matter. Cooking, eating, it all sounded exhausting.

Gregory knew that this was a dangerous cycle to fall into. The temptation to waste away was great, and all it would achieve was make the people who cared worry about him. He had been so good about it this last week, going through his last check-ups after being discharged from the hospital, giving the police his testimony, organising the funeral. And tomorrow he would be good about it again. He owed it to the people he still had left, so he wouldn't put even more weight on their burden, already so heavy.

But tonight, just tonight, he wanted to give in. To stop fighting for a few hours. He had just laid his only child to rest. He didn't have much strength left to carry him.

He turned the key in the lock, entered the house, turned on the light. The corridor was too cold and too silent, as it had been for seven days. No one came to meet him, no one shouted a greeting to him. Neither did he call out to announce his return as he always used to do, before.

It was startling, how quickly he had lost the habit to say he was back to an empty house.

Miles's snuggly sweater, which he always wore over his pajamas in the winter, still lay discarded on the back of the couch, abandoned in haste. They had been running late for the trial, and Miles had promised to put it away when they came back. Gregory hadn't touched it since.

Suddenly he realised that he'd forgotten to decide where to put Miles's ashes for the few days before he took them to the cemetery. He froze in indecision.

All that was left of Miles was this little urn, and Gregory had completely forgotten to give it a place in the house. His breath stuttered in his throat, his lungs burning. The decision seemed impossible to make now, as his mind stuttered to a halt.

Not Miles's bedroom, the most logical choice. Its door was closed. Gregory wouldn't open it again.

Not Gregory's room. He wasn't strong enough to lay eyes on it every morning, every night.

Eventually he set it on the ground in the living room, just next to the bookshelf. Miles had often sat in that very spot to read, even though Gregory never failed to remind him that there were more comfortable couches barely a few feet farther. But Miles was too impatient. When he grabbed a book, the book grabbed him back, and he needed to start it immediately. At least now he wouldn't get a sore behind from sitting on the floorboards...

He rose up and stood for a long while, paralysed, staring at the urn that stood in his son's place. What was there still left to do? What was he supposed to do now? There was nothing left but this void in his chest. He couldn't bring himself to move, as if somehow his gaze burning into the urn would bring Miles back, or at least let him accept the reality of it all. As if by staying frozen here he could escape the pain tearing him apart.

This was all that remained of him. Just a few bones and ashes which didn't even fill half the urn. He had looked so small in his little coffin, when they had surrendered him to the flames...

He pushed a stuttering, difficult breath out of his lungs, forced himself to move. He had to keep going. There was no other choice. It was too early for bed, so he picked a book from the shelf, barely looking at its title. He sat, not on the floor, but on the couch. He opened the book, read the first page once, twice, ten times. He couldn't think of anything but Miles.

The doorbell rang. He frowned, wondering who it could be at this time of the night. Some well-wisher, perhaps. He wasn't sure he had the strength to deal with that.

For a second he considered staying here until they left. But the bell rang a second time, and he realised the visitor wouldn't let him ignore them. So he got up, closed the book, and went to answer the door.

“… Detective Badd?”

“Edgeworth... once again, all my condolences... for your loss,” he said. For once there was no lollipop in his mouth, and his face looked even more sombre than usual. “May I... come in...?”

Gregory mechanically moved back to let him in.

“Is there something you wanted to discuss?”

“Yes...” Badd took a few more steps, then turned back to face Gregory. “It's about... the trial.”

Gregory grew rigid.

“I already told you. I will not be testifying.”

“They are charging... Yogi. The case... goes to trial tomorrow... there is practically no evidence...”

Gregory pinched his nose. The fools. He couldn't even say he was surprised. “I fail to see how that is of any concern to me.”

Badd sighed. “Is there really nothing... you remember...?”

Gregory's throat tightened. Voices rang in his mind, the visceral fear as Yogi started losing his mind, knowing Miles was in the elevator with them. He couldn't recall a gun being involved. He knew it wouldn't matter to the prosecution. “No.”

“Without your testimony... he will certainly... walk free...”

“As he should, with how much reasonable doubt surrounds his guilt,” Gregory snapped. “The prosecution are fools to move to trial with so little proof. I have nothing to add.”

He would never understand this country's prosecutors' obsession with conviction, conviction, conviction. There was nothing decisive against Yogi. They needed to investigate further, instead of losing time and money indicting a man that was guaranteed to walk free. Gregory couldn't care less about his son's death becoming one more meaningless win on some uncaring attorney's record. He wasn't going to become a tool for that.

“There was... no one else,” Badd said. “This is why... they arrested Yogi. We need to find... the truth... to bring your son justice...”

“My son is dead, Detective,” Gregory retorted, teeth gritted. “Justice can't do anything for him.”

Yogi had no motive. He had just been panicking. There was no reason for him to pick up his gun, steadily point it at Miles's heart and shoot. It made no sense for him to be the culprit. Miles's death had been too purposeful.

Purposeful. Gregory's hands started shaking, his throat burning. Somehow, someone had stepped into that elevator. They had looked at his son, his little nine-year-old son, and they had coldly shot him in the heart. A life full of promise, a thousand possible bright futures, cut short with the press of a finger. Just like that.

It was unimaginable. It was unthinkable. It was monstrous. Who could look at a child and want him dead? Who could see such a harmless, beautiful little being and decide they no longer deserved to live? Why would anyone ever desire to do that?

Did Gregory really want to know? To face that person, in court or otherwise, look them in the eye, and know that they took everything from him for no reason at all? For there could be no reason, no reason at all for anyone to want to kill Miles, innocent and precious Miles, the joy and pride of his heart, who had never hurt anyone in his life...

Gregory took a trembling breath, balled his hands into fists. Badd was looking at him with pity.

“Edgeworth...”

“Please leave.” He couldn't do this. Couldn't stand here and discuss it any longer.

Badd reluctantly moved towards the exit.

“If there is... anything... I can do...”

“Thank you, Detective,” Gregory said, forcing one of those painful smiles.

There is nothing anyone can do. Miles is gone. And I have to keep living.

Detective Badd respectfully bowed to him, then with a last sorrowful glance, walked out. Gregory closed the door behind him.

He closed his eyes, forced himself to breathe. The air felt solid around him, with how difficult it was to expand his chest, with how much the simple movement hurt. For a moment he tried to think of nothing but breathing.

Miles was gone. He would never sit on the floor again, engrossed in a book too serious for his age. He wouldn't hug Gregory, wouldn't laugh as he babbled about Phoenix and Larry and the Signal Samurai, ever again.

Aimless steps brought him back to the living room. His gaze fell on Miles's discarded sweater once more. In a surge of courage, he picked it up to put it away.

Miles was gone. Gregory had to move on.

The piece of clothing was so soft. He understood why his son had loved it so much, barely ever allowing Gregory to put it in the wash for how often he wore it. It still faintly smelled like him...

He fell to his knees and buried his face into the fabric.

#Ace Attorney #Gregory Edgeworth #Miles Edgeworth #fanfiction #my fanfic #samurais and mockingbirds #cw major character death #cw child death #kill-a-character bingo 2024 #DL-6 Incident #except worse #Miles Edgeworth Didn't Choose Death

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winterandwords · 9 months

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📝 A little personal update for no particular reason

I keep meaning to post more random life shit on here but I never get around to it, so here I am getting around to it.

Health stuff got extra scary for a bit there. When I was able to sit up for a short time and do something, all I wanted to do was write and check in here. I haven't managed it very often, but it was nice like oh, yes, being creative is a worthy priority and it helps me to cope when coping is hard.

The scariness isn't quite as scary right now, which I'm massively grateful for, but I've had to do a lot of figuring out when it comes to basic accessibility at home. I also started using a really excellent symptom tracker (it's called Bearable and I fully recommend it) and got a fancy Garmin watch so I'm entering my Tamagotchi era.

I know I'm being kind of vague. It's not because I want people to ask what's wrong or throw positivity at me or tell me to get well soon (in fact, please don't tell me to get well soon, that is not a thing). It's just because I don't enjoy going into detail about medical bullshit on public internet so I don't do that. No judgement on anyone who does, but it's not my vibe.

I'm usually pretty good at being all fuck it, it is what it is etc about this area of my life, but sometimes it hits extra hard and honestly I've had a few shots of depresso about it lately. I'm OK and my brain is levelling out again now, but if anyone else living with chronic illness or disability is reading this, hey, this shit is fucking hard and you're doing amazing 💜

Anyway, here's a photo of Shadow, my emotional support noodle, truly believing she's the right size for the cat's bed.

#the shit in my head

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amberjazmyn · 6 months

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matthew gray gubler one-shot

𝓲𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓮 - ghost of you

𝔀𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼 - really sad, loads of crying, like super depresso espresso, flashbacks, ofc lennon gubler, daughter of lennon's from a previous relationship when lennon was a young teenager, and some more crying

𝓭𝓮𝓼𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓹𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷 - based on 5sos's "ghost of you", instead of a break-up, it will be the suicide of lennon and matthew gray gubler's 25yo daughter, carmella rose and each verse will tell a story of how the gubler and criminal minds family deal with the loss of their daughter and niece.

𝓪𝓾𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓻'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓮 - i remembered i had written this in a different book so i wanted to rewrite it for this one! so i'm sorry that it's another depressing one. as always, flashbacks are italics, lyrics is bold italics and everything else is normal font.

masterlist

- - -

here i am waking up, still can't sleep on your side. there's your coffee cup, the lipstick stain fades with time. if i can dream long enough, you'd tell me i'd be just fine. i'll be just fine.

rhiannon gubler finally peeled open her eyes from her restless three-hour sleep, still not able to sleep on the side of the bed she used to share with her older adult sister, carmella, in their shared bedroom at their l.a house that they lived in with their criminal minds uncles and aunties. she couldn't even look at that side of the bed without getting flashbacks of that night that was coming up to four months ago now. a frown instantly came to her face, just like every other morning when her eyes met with her coffee cup, her bright red lipstick stain still there, unmoved, just even more faded than it was the day before. then, she tried to close her eyes again just to back into this dream where she was being told she'd be just fine.

"...rhi, you need to wake up sweetheart," matthew, rhiannon and carmella's dad whispered softly as he held florianne, the third daughter of matthew and lennon gubler as an annoyed groan came out of rhiannon's mouth as she reluctantly got up

"fine..." rhiannon mumbles and grumbles, staring down at the shirt that was laying in front of her, just hoping that telepathically the shirt would just come to her so she didn't have to move any more than she already had done

matthew however, somehow, got the hint from his newly turned teenage daughter and chucked it to her so rhiannon wouldn't have to move any further.

"...there ya go, rhirhi," matthew spoke soft, smiling sympathetically at his second daughter, knowing today was going to be a really hard day for her

"thanks daddy, i'll be down in a couple, just give me a sec," rhiannon spoke lowly after taking a huge gulp of water, matthew nodding his head and taking that as his cue to leave with florianne so rhiannon could have that second on her own before joining the rest of her family downstairs

just as rhiannon was about to walk downstairs to start her long but hard day with her family, she walked past a photo that was of her and her sister from years ago, when rhiannon was a toddler and when carmella was at least seventeen. it took the now sixteen-year-old a second to recognise that it was of the two of them but as soon as she caught eyes with it, she was brought right back to that day of the photo being taken. even if she was only five years old at the time, it was still a photo that had a memorable story attached to it.

flashback : nine years ago

"...RHIANNON STOP!" carmella, the eldest gubler daughter's contagious laughter and squeals filled out the lounge room as rhiannon, the second gubler daughter chased her throughout the room

carmella weaved through her uncle shemar, Uncle thomas, dad, mom and aunty aj as she tried to get away from her sister, who was still hot on her older sister's tail, both of the girls' laughter ringing through everyone's ears making everyone all laugh and smile

"NEVER!" rhiannon yells out before bursting out into laughter as she had accidentally run into grandpa joe who also started bursting out into laughter

"WHAT DID YOU...rhi, you silly little goose!" carmella abruptly stopped running to turn around to see what had happened, bursting out into even more laughter as she noticed the look on grandpa joe's face and rhi's as carmella placed her hands on her knees as she tried to calm herself down from her laughing fit

however, due to carmella's paused position, it gave little rhiannon the upper hand and she took that opportunity to ram her older sister onto the couch for some cuddles so she could attack her seventeen-year-old sister - the one thing five-year-old rhiannon has been trying to do all morning.

"---CARMELLA, WATCH OUT!" uncle shemar suddenly called out, carmella shooting her uncle the death stare as carmella looks at her four-year-old pocket rocket sister, fear in her teenage eyes as rhiannon jumps onto carmella, the both of them falling onto the couch behind them

"what the--holy crap, rhiannon grace!" carmella squealed as she was finally pinned to the couch as rhiannon started to attack her older sister with cuddles, squishing her cheeks, poking her face as the two sisters started to laugh at the sudden attack of little rhiannon

matthew, the father of the two girls suddenly called out for them to look at him. they do as their told only to see that a photo was being taken which made the two girls giggle after the photo had been taken.

"really, dad? you wanted a photo of rhi and me?" carmella chuckled sarcastically, like the teenager she was as matthew giggled as rhiannon had since fallen asleep on her sister

"i always do caramel, what's wrong with that?" matthew matches his eldest daughter's sass by using a very old nickname, caramel, which was used when people couldn't pronounce carmella's name right - which in turn got matthew an eye-roll reaction from his daughter

"nothing daddio just, why did you have to wait until after rhi attacked me, you could've stopped her!" carmella giggled as she didn't dare move as her rhirhi still remained sleeping on big sister's chest

"why would i want to stop the joyful laughter of my two daughters? doesn't that sound a bit silly to do when the both of you are having that much fun?" matthew crossed his arms, acting all sassy as carmella giggled and rolled her eyes again as she very lovingly watched the way her rhirhi slept so soundly on her chest

"i guess you're right, it's not very often it happens now that i'm seventeen and spending less and less time with you guys cause of school..." carmella trailed off as matthew nodded his head, taking the free spot that was next to his daughters as carmella smiled - matthew had shown her the photo of her and rhiannon

present-day : rhiannon's pov

i didn't even notice i was even crying until i licked my lips when i lifted my hand up to my face to wipe the remaining tears off my cheeks. i placed the photo frame of me and carmella back down and walked past a mirror. and, sure enough, my entire face was red, puffy and it was obvious i had been crying. i quickly rushed off into the bathroom to wash my face to see if the red and puffiness would subside so mom, dad and florianne wouldn't be able to see that i had been crying. however, just like my tears, i didn't even notice mekhai, my cousin, coming into the bathroom to check up on me until i felt his comforting hand on my back and his small, soft words of comfort despite the fact he was two years younger than me, at thirteen.

"...hey, rhi, you okay cuz?"mehkai whispered softly as i turned around to face my little cousin

"does it look like it...i...i am so sorry mehkai, i shouldn't have--"

"--it's fine cuz, come on, let's sit in the hallway for a bit?"mehkai questioned softly, holding his hand out for me to hold as i smiled, taking his hand in mine we then sat in the hallway floor that had recently been vacuumed

mehkai and i sat in silence for a little while before we started to talk again. the silence, however, was comforting almost since it wasn't just me that had lost my sister. florianne, our younger sister and my criminal minds cousins, like mehkai, had also lost carmella as well, so when mehkai spoke up again, it was strange.

"you ready to go back downstairs to see everyone?"mehkai was soft and careful with his choice of words and i was thankful for that

the context of mehkai's question is that, since we lost carmella four months ago, every second day of every second week, a group of our family would come over to regularly check in on us and the extended criminal minds family since the whole lot of us lived together between a house in los angeles and one in las vegas every week. and this week, it was dad's family that was coming to visit us at our house in las vegas and i was not looking forward to it. the only people i like in dad's immediate family are obviously my grandparents, grandpa john, granny marilyn and my dad's siblings, aunty laura and uncle gray and their partners and kids but no one else. despite that fact though, even the people on dad's side that i didn't like were coming and i was not looking forward to it at all.

"i mean...i guess but, no, not really. the last time we saw those other guys were when we were like, what, seven and six? why is it that we have to see them again now after carmella's died?" i trail off of my question, swallowing the lump resting in my throat as mehkai rubbed my back

"i know rhi but, we'll be able to get through it, i promise, just ignore them as you've always done and just don't pay them any mind," mehkai shrugged with a hopeful look in his eyes as i nodded my head - ignoring my entire family and paying them no mind has been the thing i've been doing since carmella's death so, that should be easy enough

so i drown it out like i always do

matthew, lennon and the rest of the family (gubler and extended criminal minds family) watched uneasily as rhiannon had finally come downstairs to see matthew's side of the family as she sat on the couch. completely disassociated from the conversations going on after she had given hugs to her parents, grandpa john and granny marilyn and her aunties and uncles. even though the conversations were asking about how rhiannon was holding up since it had been four months since carmella's passing, not once did the teenager respond.

"---so, matthew, how is rhiannon doing in regard to the loss of carmella? i mean, it's obviously devastating but, how is she really?" one of matthew's mom's sisters judith, just called out as a pin drop could suddenly be heard from everyone as they all lifted their heads to look at the older lady who was littered with wrinkles and freckles -rhiannon even lifted her head to look at her aunty once removed

thankfully, matthew was able to compose himself quickly enough and spoke up on behalf of his now eldest daughter. answering his aunty's deplorable and outright senseless question about his daughter.

"she's doing the best she can judith, what in the right mind makes you say that out loud though? she's a fif...sixteen-year-old girl who has just gone through a devastating loss alongside the rest of her siblings, who is six and her cousins who are also around that age!" matthew refused to even believe that his aunt judith would ask such a question about his daughter

"i...i'm sorry matthew, i...i was just curious and concerned about my niece, i...i don't understand--"

"--she's barely even your niece, this is the first time you've seen her since she was a baby so shut up," laura, matthew's older sister then speaks up in defence of her younger brother which caused the lounge room to stifle their laughter at laura's ruthless yet nonchalant comment to her aunty

"okay then..." judith trailed off as she then quietened down, lowering herself in her seat, bringing her glass of wine closer to her mouth so she'd know to stop talking and stay like that

"...that's what i thought!" laura snarled as she gave her younger brother, sister-in-law and niece a comforting hug as rhiannon barely reacted which everyone noticed, including judith but didn't say anything about it

"who really cares about how i feel anyway, no one even tries to care anymore..." for the first time in what felt like forever, rhiannon speaks up only to then get up off of the couch that she sat with mehkai, pheonix and florianne on before storming away

this broke matthew's heart along with lennon's, and the rest of the criminal minds family's. maybe it truly wasn't the right time to be talking about rhiannon and bringing her up in these conversations if she still felt as though her feelings weren't cared about. which, of course, they were, but maybe not in the best way in an accidental way of just wanting to see rhiannon again and not have her stuck in her room all the time.

florianne's pov

my heart sank and broke as i saw the way my older sister rhiannon refused to eat or drink anything anymore. i used to think it was her just feeling unwell as, when i don't feel well, i struggle to eat too but, because it's now constantly happening, it's no longer a joke or her being sick anymore. she doesn't even sit with me, mommy, daddy and the other cousins at dinner anymore. we were currently in our los angeles house again for the week and i knew that rhiannon wanted to go home. i did too in all honesty even though our los angeles house was also ours because we do come here every other week when we're not at our home in las vegas.

"...florianne, why are you here princess? shouldn't you be with mommy, daddy and your cousins in the lounge room with the rest of the family?" rhiannon's hoarse voice spoke as she stared out into nothing and i shook my head

"nah-uh, it was boring and aunty laura and uncle gray were trying to kick judith out for talking smack about you. besides, i don't like it when you're sad so i wanted to make you happy again," i spoke softly as rhiannon looked up at me and for a split second, she kind of looked happy before her eyes cast back down again

"well, thanks for trying to check in on me florianne but, i'm fine, princess. you should head back into the lounge room though before mommy and daddy wonder where you are..." rhiannon trailed off as she played with her fingers making me sigh, shaking my head - yes, i'm six but that doesn't mean i'm stupid by any means

"...rhiannon, we get you're upset, we all are but, you've got to do more than just not eat and ignore what happened. please, for your own good!" i beg just like any six-year-old begs as rhiannon sighs loudly and bites her lip

"i'm trying florianne, princess, i really am. it's just easier to drown it out by not eating anything and pretending that nothing wrong happened, ya know?" rhiannon whimpers at the end, my eyes widen and with all the strength i had considering i'm smaller than rhi, i pull her in for a hug without hesitation as she starts to cry

"ssh, it's okay rhi. we deal with things differently but not eating anything is not okay, it's not safe, okay?" i say softly, rhiannon nodding her head on my shoulder as i smile softly

"i wanna go home, home," she whispered as my heart broke for my older sister and i nodded my head, agreeing despite how we both loved living in our house in los angeles as well, i also wanted to go home, home

matthew's pov

dancing through our house with the ghost of you and i chase it down, with a shot of truth. dancing through our house with the ghost of you.

lennon, rhiannon, florianne and i were back at our home in las vegas after being in our los angeles house for a week like always with the rest of the criminal minds family. we were all now coddled up on the couch watching home videos of when we were a family from when it was just lennon, me and carmella, to when it was lennon, me, carmella and rhiannon, to when it was lennon, me, carmella, rhiannon and florianne to what it is now with the criminal minds cousins. the majority of the videos we were watching now were of when it was just lennon, me and carmella with a couple including a baby rhiannon which started to bring back a lot of so many old memories that should be making us upset but doing the complete opposite. for florianne, she was finally seeing videos and photos of her older sister carmella and some of rhiannon when they were her age and younger.

"...this is so sweet daddy..." rhiannon mumbles as she saw a video of when she and carmella met for the first time after rhiannon had just been born, florianne also looks at the video of her two older sisters in awe

"...isn't it, rhiannon?" i smiled at my sixteen-year-old as my six-year-old also seemed shocked at seeing their older sister carmella look so young while rhiannon looked even younger as she had just been born

"do you have any more videos of me as a baby with carmella?" rhiannon then questions as she looks up at me as i smile and bit my lip, lennon rubs my back as i give her a small smile

"uh...yea-yeah, there is more but, i think they are at the house in los angeles with uncle nathan and aunty aj because they wanted to show them to mehkai and pheonix but also because there are also videos on there of carmella with your cousins when they were all born as well, or they could be with aunty laura, or even uncle gray," i responded as rhiannon's eyes sparkled almost like they used to

"well, i know we don't see uncle nathan and aunty aj and the boys until...next week or-or the week after that but, could we possibly drive over and watch those videos with them?" rhiannon then asks as florianne also seemed to like that idea and agreed with her older sister as i chuckled breathlessly

"i don't know rhi, it is a personal moment for them but, i can still text uncle nathan, uncle gray and aunty laura and ask but if they say no, you gotta respect that okay you two?" i spoke sternly but still lovingly, the both of them nodding their heads as i smiled - my girls were perfection as i grabbed my phone from my pocket and texted the group chat i had with my siblings and the extended criminal minds family

within seconds of texting the group chat as another video of carmella with her sisters and cousins played on our tv, i had gotten a response back. both gray and laura (sister) had said that they didn't have the videos and nathan responded by saying that he and aj did at their las vegas house just across the road, reminding me that the andersens had travelled up those two hours from los angeles to be in their vegas house for this week and that it was completely okay for the gubler girls to come over to see the rest of the home movies of their sister carmella. i smiled at the responses and thanked my brother and sister and then let nathan know that the girls would be three minutes.

"well, daddy, have uncles responded yet?" florianne speaks up for the first time as i giggle at my youngest daughter

"yes, they have florianne and, whilst uncle gray and aunty laura don't have them, thankfully, uncle nathan does have them and they are just down the road visiting vegas for the week so we are allowed to watch the rest of the home videos of carmella with them. i told them we'll be there in three so, we better be quick, rhiannon, you think you'd be able to get socks and shoes on florianne in a minute?" i challenged rhiannon as she nodded her head, rushing over to the foyer to grab them as i just laughed at how quick, like carmella, my little rhi was

"did you seriously think i had stopped being fast all of a sudden?" rhiannon quips as she comes back from the foyer with florianne's socks and shoes, as well as a pair of everlast slides for herself as i giggle, kissing the top of her head as i run to grab mine

"no, i didn't, cheeky bugger!" i giggle, shaking my head as lennon also laughs at our eldest daughter

getting ready in a minute and a half, we were out the door and on our short walk over to nathan and aj's las vegas house where the cousins, mehkai and pheonix awaited rhiannon and florianne so they could all bunch up on the couch cuddling together.

by the time aj had led us into the house, rhiannon and florianne were already rushing to the couch to cuddle with mehkai and pheonix as i laughed, hugging aj and then nathan who had gotten up from the couch.

"aren't they just a little bit excited and we saw them a few days ago," nathan laughed as we pulled out of our hug and i nodded my head

"i know right, besides, thank you so much for letting them see the rest of carmella's videos, nathan and aj. i completely forgot you were in vegas this week. even though the majority of these videos are of carmella with mehkai and pheonix, i know how badly they both, rhiannon especially, want to watch them. especially since rhi was so entranced by the video of her and carmella first meeting each other after she was born..." i trailed off as they both nodded their heads understandingly

"...oh, don't even need to thank us matthew, it's their sister, they'll always be welcome to come over to watch them throughout the week whenever they feel the need to," aj spoke up this time, giving me a small wink and nudge, nathan then giving me the same look as i chuckled and nodded my head as the four of us, nathan, aj, me and lennon moved into the lounge room where the kids were already waiting to watch the videos as a video was already paused ready to be watched

two hours later after watching videos of carmella, majority of them with the andersen boys, i could tell that my girls were starting to get tired, none more so than rhiannon. the last one was halfway through when i had picked up rhiannon, deciding that it was time to take them home to put them to bed. despite the fact that rhiannon was a teenager, i still picked her up as she was still relatively light whilst lennon grabbed florianne, nathan pausing the video to say goodbye.

nathan's pov

matthew and lennon were halfway home when as i watched them on the few-minute walk back to theirs that rhiannon was starting to stir in her dad's arms. that was when i decided i'd follow after them as aj, agreed to put our boys up to bed. it seemed as if whilst florianne was fast asleep, rhiannon was starting to wake up again on the walk back. the five of us had walked into the gubler household when lennon had placed florianne down as she then grabbed the three adults a drink of beer. that was until rhiannon was fully awake after matthew had placed her on the couch.

"daddy, get up!" rhiannon suddenly says enthusiastically as i am taken aback with confusion

"why rhiannon? i thought you were tired, besides, uncle nathan's here to have a beer with mom and me!" i giggle as i watch matthew put his beer down anyway and walk over to his daughter, grabbing her hands as rhiannon then offers an explanation

"i wanna dance daddy, please?" rhiannon mumbled out, her cute puppy eyes that either me or her dad taught her making butterflies flutter inside our tummies

"why do you wanna dance rhi? it's getting late, theoretically, we should all be going to sleep right now," matthew spoke as i chuckled quietly as rhiannon's mood had seemingly crashed instantly before speaking again

"the last four months, when everyone else or whoever else was here would go to sleep, i would stay awake, down here for however long and just dance alongside the videos we'd watch of carmella dancing as if it was normal and like she was still here. i-i would then, harm myself, clean it all up, patch myself up and then crawl back upstairs to my room to cry myself back to sleep. only to semi-repeat the routine over again the next day when it got really scary one day as some mornings i'd accidentally cut too deeply until mehkai or even sometimes florianne would shake me awake after finding me collapsed on the kitchen floor..." rhiannon's voice wavers at the end as we all notice her getting teary-eyed

i watched as matthew shuffled himself closer to his daughter as they swayed side to side as he pulled her in for a hug, holding her tightly so that she knew she was safe.

"...oh, princess...baby, is this the first time you're telling this to anyone?" lennon and i gasp quietly as we hear rhiannon mutter a "yes" on matthew's shoulder as he rubbed her back

"you need to tell your criminal minds uncles and aunties babe. i mean, when was the last time you cut yourself?" matthew asked worriedly, he had no clue that his daughter had even started self-harming let alone had the thought to go through with it

"i-i don't remember, last week maybe?" rhiannon trailed off as her voice got caught in her throat, she was about to cry again and my heart broke

"can you show me the scars baby?" matthew whispered as rhiannon nodded, lifting up her hoodie which uncovered red patches of semi-infected scars as well as ones that had seemingly healed as matthew's breath got caught in his throat

"babe, you need to stop with the self-harming, it's not going to fix anything, okay?" matthew pleaded as he let the hoodie cover rhiannon's lower body again as she nodded her head in agreement

"i'll try my hardest," rhiannon muttered as matthew solemnly smiled as did i as matthew kissed her head

we then all danced for five more minutes before we were so tired that we fell asleep on the couch. obviously not making it back home, i texted aj in advance, letting her know about the situation and she understood perfectly.

cleaning up today, found that old zeppelin shirt you wore when you ran away, and no one could feel your hurt.

due to rhiannon and the kids having to go back to school but rhiannon not really in the mood, we decided to bring her with us for some reshoots that the criminal minds cast was doing in los angeles whilst the other kids were all at matthew and lennon's house homeschooling them with a tutor, except for florianne who went into her school. however, i decided to stay back and help clean around the gubler household and in particular, rhiannon and carmella's shared room which had been untouched for way too long since i had no reason to be on the criminal minds set. knowing that they, as a family, had handled their grief differently than me and my family did and didn't clean up after themselves, i thought it would be a great way for me to also loosen up but in a productive way.

it wasn't until i walked into carmella's part of the room (rhiannon and carmella slept in the same bed but had different sides of the bedroom) that i could really sense that rhiannon was still very much grieving four months on. carmella's side of the room was absolutely trashed, and last time i was here, it was as clean as clean could be considering a fifteen and twenty-four-year-old shared this room together. this then gave the thought that, this mess must have happened recently and that it couldn't have been florianne or my two boys as this mess was done in a way that wasn't made by a six-year-old or two boys. giving me the hint that it was rhiannon that had made the mess as she had calculated it perfectly. rhiannon was the closest to carmella, they were the two eldest despite the fact that carmella was thirteen when rhiannon was born and were sisters from different fathers, those two were like two peas in a pod, they got along so well. they barely ever fought which is why matthew and lennon made the collective decision alongside the two girls that they'd share a bedroom until they decided that they wanted their own rooms once carmella got into her late teen years and early adult years.

however, it seemed as if they loved sharing a bedroom together so they never got their own separate rooms. so, when carmella died, it was the worst for rhiannon. of course, gia was devastated but, she's still a kid, being only six years old, it's harder for her to understand what was happening especially considering by the time she was born, carmella was in her early young adult years and should have been in the stage of her life where she wasn't always at home with her family even though she had major age gaps between both siblings but she was home and always with her sisters. everyone just knew that rhiannon had a harder time coming to terms with carmella's death than florianne did because one, she was old enough to really understand what was going on and two, she realistically spent the most time with their older sister since they shared a room together and no one, even florianne found it offensive.

after about a good hour or so, everything on carmella's side of the room had been restored and cleaned by me to my satisfaction and what i hoped would be rhiannon's. everything except carmella's wardrobe. which seemed like it had been completely untouched due to her wardrobe door being closed. but, when i opened it, it absolutely shocked me that all the clothes came toppling out of her wardrobe onto the floor in front of me. the main item of clothing i noticed was the led zeppelin shirt that, she, carmella, was wearing the day she ran away and then later killed herself wearing. i had actually not been aware or told that the police had given back all of the clothes that carmella was wearing on the day but, i can't lie, it gave me some relief to say that they did return the clothes. as since i am carmella's uncle, i hadn't seen this shirt in what felt like ages and it brought tears to my eyes just looking at it and seeing it without all the blood that had previously been on it. it was pristine and clean yet it still smelt completely like my niece, as if she never left.

"...uncle nathan...i'm...home..." rhiannon's voice rang through the upstairs level but stopped when she realised where i was

"...you didn't tell me that the police had given you her clothes back...the shirt's clean..." i whisper as tears stream down my cheeks as i hand my niece the clean zeppelin shirt, knowing it meant a deal of a lot more to rhiannon as i watched her face change from confusion to an emotion i wasn't familiar with from her

"...that's because i-i washed it, uncle nathan, i washed it after the police returned it..." rhiannon's voice, which had changed to a small, broken voice struck with grief came out of her mouth, my head tilting in confusion as nicky had now come in after hearing the commotion

"...oh, rhi, babe, you didn't need to do that!" i sniffled, wiping my tears away knowing that it would set rhiannon and her dad off, wrapping her tightly in my grip as matthew watched

"yes, i-i had to uncle nathan. the-the blood everywhere was awful and i-i just needed it to be clean! i couldn't let it rest in her wardrobe knowing that her blood was still all over it," rhiannon softly cries into my shoulder as i brush my fingers through her hair to help calm her down

i had a feeling there was something she still hadn't told her dad and mom about that night four months ago because she was supposedly in her room with my two boys, mehkai and pheonix, her sister florianne and the other cousins but according to frankie, adam's daughter, rhiannon wasn't even anywhere near hers and carmella's room but somewhere else, outside of the house.

"rhi, is there something you're still hiding from your mommy and daddy from the night carmella died?" i spoke carefully and softly, sniffling quietly as rhiannon took in a tearful shaky breath as she nodded her head which worried matthew and i

"ye-yes..." rhiannon trailed off as she started to tell the story, lennon joining us as the three of us were incredibly worried

flashback | four months ago: rhiannon's pov | trigger warning

everyone thought i was playing with mehkai, pheonix, florianne and uncle gray's son, but, in reality, i wasn't. i was on a walk to clear my head when i realised that carmella had turned her life360 off, making me turn back around the path i was walking to run back home to ask uncle adam, who was home from a criminal minds filming session in los angeles with the cast, to ask if he had any idea where carmella was and why she had turned her life360 off. on the run back over, i called carmella, seven times but not once did she pick up, making me run back home even faster.

slamming the door closed as i rushed into the house in los angeles, uncle adam was right up my side in a panic, grabbing the tops of my arms as i breathed heavily

"what's wrong rhi, you nearly woke up florianne and frankie, is everything okay?" uncle adam asked worriedly as i attempted to get my breath back as i held onto uncle adam to keep myself steady

"where-where's carmella? have-have you seen her? she's turned her life360 off when she wasn't supposed to!" i was speaking at what felt like a news reporter who was running out of breath as uncle adam gave me a worried look of confusion

"pardon babe? what did you say?" adam asked with a sorry smile on his face and i gulped and took in another deep breath before asking again

"i said, where's carmella? have you seen her? she turned her life360 off when she wasn't supposed to," i repeated as uncle adam's eyes instantly widened

"umm, i did see her leave but, i reminded her to keep her life360 on and she said she had no plans in turning it off, have you tried calling her?" uncle adam was just as confused as i am as i groaned

"yes, i have! i tried seven times uncle adam! all of them went straight to voicemail and i don't know why or where she is!" i squealed out as i was on the verge of crying, i just wanted to know where my older sister was

"okay, crap, that isn't good babe. okay, rhi, calm down as best as you can, stay here with the kids just in case she comes home and i'll ring matthew and your uncles and the rest of the aunties to let them know. if she does come home, call or text the group chat and everything will be fine, okay?" uncle adam calmly plans as i nodded my head in agreement as i caught my breath

"okay, see you soon uncle adam," i spoke breathlessly as uncle adam ran out of the house, closing the door behind him as i then just anxiously sat back on the couch

florianne, frankie, mehkai, pheonix and the rest of the cousins were all sleeping easy on the floor next to me - as i wished that whilst carmella was okay that i'd get to the level of calm that my sister and cousins were in.

it had been twenty minutes later when the door creaked open. instantly, i calmed down knowing that it was carmella. however, instantly i noticed something wasn't okay, she was unusually quiet and withdrawn.

"carmella, you okay?" i call out quietly but still loud enough that carmella heard me and quiet enough that i didn't wake up the kids

"yeah-yeah, i'm fine, thanks rhi. i'll just be upstairs in the bathroom taking a shower," carmella mumbled as i nodded my head, seemed normal for carmella i guess, she was such a clean freak

"okay. i'm just gonna call uncle adam to let him know you're home," i called back, carmella not responding, just running up the stairs which made me worry

just as i went to call uncle adam, i was startled, just me though, by two loud bangs coming from upstairs. leaving the kids, i ran up the stairs, after making sure that those bangs didn't wake the kids up, as quickly as i could only to be faced with probably my biggest nightmare; carmella covered in her own blood.

"carmella!" i screamed at the top of my lungs, running over to her, just hoping that what i was seeing was only imaginary and that it was like all those crime shows that dad and our uncles and aunties acted in

however, i unlocked my phone and instantly called uncle adam, just hoping he would pick up

uncle adam

"...nics? did you find carm--"

"--call 911 *rhiannon sobs* call 911! she tried to kill herself! please i beg uncle adam, just call 911 and get here as quickly as you can!"

i sob through my phone as i then hear the car door open as uncle adam starts the car up so he could get back home quickly

"rhi-rhiannon, stay on the line rhi! put the phone on speaker and pressurize carmella's bleeding. okay, stay calm and listen to me, stay on the phone with me!"

i struggle to calm down but i try my hardest as i hear uncle adam's voice. he calms his voice down so i can calm down as i gulp and listen to him. i turn my phone to speakerphone, throwing it down in front of me.

i go down onto the floor, grabbing carmella and laying her over my body as i rested my back against the furthest wall from the door. i then put pressure on her bleeding just like i was told to by uncle adam but there was just so much of it that i couldn't seem to figure out where it was coming from.

"rhi, have you done that? are you doing that?"

uncle adam's calm voice comes back as i verbally respond, wiping my tears with my shoulder as i was getting covered in the blood very quickly

"yes, i-i have. uncle adam *sobs* there is so much blood, please-please hurry!"

i whimper, another rough sob leaving my mouth as i try to figure out where the blood was coming from but also trying to make sure that the younger kids weren't hearing this.

"okay-okay, it's okay rhi, calm down babe! i know there's a lot of blood, just calm down. i'm less than a minute away so stay calm and keep on applying pressure. i have also speed-dialled the paramedics and they are less than two minutes away. breathe, stay calm and make sure carmella stays awake. okay, i'm nearly there!"

how uncle adam was staying so calm as this is his niece, is way beyond my knowledge but it was so helpful as i sat on the cold tiled and bloody bathroom floor with my older sister as she bled out onto my lap as i panicked. sobbing in fear that she was probably already dead - hoping to god or jesus or just someone that mehkai, pheonix, florianne, frankie and the other cousins couldn't hear this.

"uncle adam, the-the kids are all downstairs, i-i don't know if they can hear this or not! i-i don't w want them to! what do i do about them?!" i panic, sobbing into my shoulder again as uncle adam breathes before responding

"as bad as it sounds babe, don't worry about them, your main focus is keeping carmella awake and her eyes open. do not let your sister close her eyes. i'm getting out of the car now and i'll deal with the kids and frankie when i get there. just focus on your older sister sweetheart!"

uncle adam spoke calmly again as i mumbled a "yes", completely forgetting about my sister and cousins and just focusing all my attention on carmella

and, just like uncle adam promised, less than a minute later he had come running into the house, alongside uncle shemar, straight to the bathroom upstairs where carmella and i were.

"rhiannon!" uncle adam calls out, i look up from caressing carmella's hair out of her face as i don't even take into consideration how bloody i looked from my lap upwards

"what-what do i do uncle adam?" i whimper out, carmella's body trembling due to my own body trembling as i breathe shakily

"you've done all you can do babe!" uncle adam whispers as he pulls me up, softly placing carmella down on the floor as he pulls me into his embrace, not caring that i was now getting blood all over him

i then looked up to see that uncle shemar had turned the shower off as i connected the dots. that's why she turned the shower on, she wanted to distract me from hearing her kill herself by thinking she was having a shower...

"she wasn't taking a shower!" i cover my mouth as i loudly sob into uncle adam's embrace as he squeezes me even tighter, also feeling uncle shemar next to uncle adam and me

"ssh, it's gonna be okay rhi, stay calm and breathe babe, breathe!" uncle adam whispers as i whimper

i then notice that uncle shemar had also found what she had used. and out of anything, it was a gun. how did i not hear the gunshot? the shower wasn't even...wait, is that what the first bang was before she hit the floor?

"the paramedics are here! adam, clean you and rhiannon up, while i take the kids into matthew and lennon's office while you then after getting changed, let in the paramedics. after that, keep the kids distracted and i'll stay in here with rhiannon as she was the one to find carmella, understand?" uncle shemar devised as both uncle adam and i just nodded our heads, the both of us getting changed so uncle adam could then distract the kids whilst i stayed here with uncle shemar

i spoke up again, "what-what about mommy and daddy, and uncle nathan, what about the aunties and the other uncles? who's gonna tell them?" i ask breathlessly as uncle shemar looks at me softly

"they've already been called the moment 911 was called, your parents and then nathan are carmella's emergency contacts, which then means that they already know and are on their way home already," uncle shemar explained as i gasped, they couldn't know that it was me that found carmella, that would devastate them even more

"please-please don't tell daddy and mommy or uncle nathan or anyone that it was me that found carmella. even if it means you have to hide my bloodied clothes. they cannot know, it'll devastate them, and they'll think it was my fault!" i panicked as uncle shemar went down to his knees, bringing me down with him, holding my hands tight

"i promise rhiannon, i won't tell dad, mom, uncle nathan or the others, they'll never find your bloodied clothes but they will absolutely not and ever think that it was your fault if you were to ever tell them or if they ever found out on their own, okay?" uncle shemar made me understand as i nodded my head as tears streamed down my cheeks, uncle shemar tried to wipe them away

uncle adam then returned with crispy clean clothes at the right moment as i got changed and then immediately, in my clothes hamper, hid away my bloodied clothes.

then, ten minutes later i was asked to be evaluated by the paramedics and tell them exactly what happened and what i'd heard. absolutely hell on earth. i was in hysterics the entire time and i was just blanking on everything about myself for the patient assessment.

"...rhi-rhiannon, are you okay babe?" daisy, the female paramedic quickly corrected herself as she asked kindly, looking up, a tear streamed down my cheek

"i-i was too late... i could have stopped it from happening... it-it's all my fault," i breathe out, a couple more tears streaming down my cheek as my hands shake

"it's not your fault rhiannon. you just thought that carmella was simply taking a shower. do not blame yourself for your sister's death. there was no way you could have predicted she was going to go through with her act of suicide. no one predicts it, no matter how well you know the person. especially when she's the eldest sibling with younger siblings and cousins in the house," daisy softly responds, giving me a hand to hold as i nod my head

"i-i just wish i was more aware," i gulp as i feel uncle adam and uncle shemar hug me from behind, making me cry even more

"we do too, rhiannon," my two uncles say at the same time as i dig my chin into their embrace across my chest, trying to stop my tears

"dai-daisy, have my parents and other uncles and aunties been called?" i shakily ask as daisy looks up, giving me a soft look

"yes, they all have. obviously, they are a couple of hours away in vegas so it'll take them a few hours to get here but, everyone has been called. and your parents have also been called as uncle adam said earlier. everything is going to be okay, rhiannon, you'll see your parents, uncles and aunties soon. but for now, uncle adam and uncle shemar are gonna take care of you," daisy spoke with a sadned smile as she then left for she had to now take carmella's body and place her onto the stretcher

trigger warning over

matthew, lennon and uncle nathan were shocked and taken aback by the new news that it was their own daughter and niece that had found carmella and was with her in those very last moments of her life those four months ago. it horrified matthew that his second eldest was a witness to what his eldest had done to herself. that it was his fifteen-year-old that was the one covered in his twenty-four year-old's blood. that it was his fifteen-year-old that held and rocked his twenty-four-year-old as she died. that his twenty-four-year-old died in the arms of his fifteen-year-old daughter.

"...i-i'm sorry i didn't tell you, mommy, daddy and uncle nathan. uncle shemar promised me he'd never say anything and i-i just never could say anything and the blood-bloodied clothes are still in my clothes hamper...i-i just got so scared, mommy, daddy, i'm so sorry," rhiannon stuttered out as matthew shook his head as lennon and nathan bit their lips, swallowing down their tears

"please...please don't apologise rhi. i-i am sorry that daddy, mommy and uncle nathan were so far away from you that uncle adam and uncle shemar had to be the ones you needed to call. whilst i am forever grateful to them that they were there to take care of you and help you, it should have been me and mammy. you don't need to apologise for anything baby girl. i am so proud of you and glad that you were the last person your older sister saw and that you also made sure that your siblings and cousins were taken care of and made unaware of everything going on. never apologise about this ever again!" matthew's voice wavered the entire time he spoke as he grabbed his fifteen-year-old daughter, pulling her in for a hug as they both cried, lennon and uncle nathan joining shortly after

liked by matthewgraygubler, lennongubler, nathanandersen, ajcooke and 9923 others

rhiannongracegubler we're too young, too dumb, to know things like love, but i know better now

carmella rose, you were my best friend, in the entire world. i say were and not "is" or "are" and it still confuses and bothers me that i have to use past tense when i speak about you otherwise my english teacher squeals fury and grammar police rules at me. because she says i now have to talk about you in the past because you're no longer with us. i won't lie, when she first told me that, i blew up right in her face in front of the rest of my class and i was sent to detention yet, i didn't get grounded by dad or mom (not even uncle shemar, uncle nathan or aunty aj). if anything, they were proud of me for standing up for our family and for you. i'll always stand up for your name, caramel, even if some people still can't pronounce it correctly and have to call you by that ridiculous nickname of caramel and not carmella. losing you felt almost like i was in that scene of criminal minds in which dr reid's girlfriend had just been killed by the unsub and dr reid was on his knees sobbing, most likely rocking her back and forth just muttering his girlfriend's name and for her to just wake up, and for everything to be okay again. because that's exactly what it was like except, you didn't get shot due to a murder-suicide by diana, the unsub but by the gun that you held in your own hands. if only we were in the world of criminal minds and i could, i would have done everything in my willpower to convince everyone that you just faked your death as emily prentiss did. but, that's not how life works, especially if you take it away from yourself that easily and unethically. whilst i'll never be able to understand why you decided to take a gun to your head whilst our sister and cousins was home along with me, i can't hate you for it. whilst i hate the idealisation of dying at the hands of a gun in your possession, i can't hate you specifically for doing it. because i love you carmella. i love you too much to hate you for killing yourself. there was obviously a reason as to why you did it. and it's valid, i just wish you had told me sooner or given me the letter earlier so even if i did try to convince you otherwise, i would have been better equipped and would have had more knowledge. yet, you still wouldn't have told me because you knew that i was the only person to convince you to stay alive. which isn't what you wanted. you didn't want to stay, you didn't want me to convince you to take that gun away from your head, hence why you made me think you were having a shower when you then shot yourself. you were my older sister carmella, you taught me everything i know. you taught me that the characters daddy and uncle shemar play on the tv and all the unsubs and injuries they get are all fake and that they're okay in real life. it was you that taught me to not be scared to watch daddy get hurt on the tv because he was always going to be sitting right next to me on the couch or over the phone on facetime. you taught me that no matter what, you were never going to leave me even if you were gone physically. i still see and hear you everywhere carmella, my fear has since changed from the monsters on criminal minds to forgetting what you look and sound like. if i ever forgot how you sounded or how beautiful you looked, i don't know if i'd be able to continue. i love you so much carmella, i hope you're looking after all those criminal minds characters and keeping them all in line. daddy, mommy, florianne and i love and miss you every day. love, rhiannon grace gubler 🤍

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matthewgraygubler rhiannon grace gubler, no matter what you say about your older sister, it always makes me cry! this was perfect rhirhi and i'm so proud of you for keeping your older sister alive every chance you can get 🤍

nathanandersen rhi, this killed me and it hasn't stopped killing me. exactly like your dad, any time you talk about carmella, it always makes me cry. you'll never forget how beautiful she was or what she sounded like, i promise, you'll always hear her voice and see her voice somewhere, i can guarantee you 🤍

ajcooke carmella loves you so much, rhi and she is so proud of you! the way you were able to articulate your sister's suicide is beyond anyone my age, let alone yours, you are such an intelligent girl 🤍

so i drown it out like i always do, dancing through our house with the ghost of you

it's now been around seven/eight months since carmella's suicide and i had since turned seventeen and it has started to feel like everything is starting to go back to normal again. the family's stop button has been pressed play again after being on stop for so long. i stopped cutting and self-harming which i'm glad i stopped doing. i stopped pretty much the night that dad, mom and uncle nathan found out but, i still occasionally, every other night, depending on whether we're in los angeles or vegas, go downstairs to watch the home videos of carmella on the tv when i struggle to sleep without her next to me. the way i "drown out" my grief is i no longer ignore it and i actually allow it. i embrace and acknowledge my grief, letting it be until it passes and then i get up, dust myself off and smile and laugh again without feeling guilty about it. even though florianne and my cousins but, florianne in particular, is still six, turning seven in a few months, she was now starting to finally understand carmella's death and why she had done it from the letter that had been written that we showed her. the cousins in the criminal minds family and my biological family were also now starting to finally understand as well. whilst it was hard to tell, especially at how much they all cried, it was healing in a way to explain it to them in the big kid/adult way that it had been explained to me even though i'm still a kid by techical means even at seventeen years old.

"...watching back these videos still shock me at how much of a talented dancer carmella was....i'm shocked she didn't pursue it professionally..." i trailed off as tonight, the family decided that we were going to do an all-nighter of watching the older home videos and some newer ones that had recently been uncovered but having a pass on the dancing ourselves

"...i know, rhi, your sister and cousin was really talented," dad smiled, bitting his lip as all the memories came rushing back, for all of us and different memories too

"do you think she's dancing up there in the sky mommy?" florianne questioned as she cuddled up to mehkai and pheonix who nodded their heads in agreement with their cousin

before mom could respond, i responded instead, "i'm sure she is florianne, mehkai and pheonix. and i think she's finally happy again, no longer needing to fake anything..." i trail off as dad pushes me into him and uncle nathan and i smiled as a group hug had been initiated

"...we love you carmella!" we all mutter and giggle as we continued to watch the videos just like we do every night

and i'll chase it down, with a shot of truth, that my feet don't dance like they did with you.

sure, dancing with my sister florianne, my cousins and dad wasn't the same as dancing with carmella but, it was just as beautiful.

"...carmella would be so proud of how you've recovered in these last seven/eight months. we all are rhiannon, you already went through hell and back with the initial loss of carmella but also with the secret that you had been holding onto the whole time as you were the one that saw everything happen in front of you and was with carmella as she died. yet, you still managed to get back on track and find your happiness again. something you said three months ago, give or take, that you wouldn't even be able to do because you always said you were the happiest with carmella, yet, here we are, sevenish months later and look how happier you are," dad smiled emotionally, wiping a tear of his away as well as one from my own cheek as i can't help but smile at him and the rest of my family

"yeah but, that was only because you guys pointed me in the right direction and didn't give up on me as you promised. i love you so much," i say, a tearful giggle falling out of my mouth as uncle nathan, followed by my sister, cousins and everyone else as they all jump on me

now i understand why you were constantly dancing, carmella. you were dancing with the ghost of your soul that was already dead before you reunited it with the one that was still alive and now, the rest of the family can dance with the completed ghost of you.

- - -

this was a mammoth to rewrite but i genuinely enjoyed writing it which says a lot about me i think considering i write so many depressing one-shots. but, i promise, the next one-shot will be less depressing and more happy and fluffy, i promise.

ok ily bye xx

wc; 10987

#ghost of you #matthew gray gubler my beloved #criminal minds #matthew gray gubler x reader #angst

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talk-to-me-void · 1 year

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Alright bitches, it's 2023. Who else finally realized all their quirks are just a touch of the tism? Cause I sure fucking did, at 30 years old. Better late then never I guess. Started with a self assessment, then did ALL the self assessments and finally went to the doctor who refuses to refer me because "i've went this long and i've turned out fine".

Except I'm not. I struggle every day to figure out how to fit in and figure out why I don't feel like a human but somebody parading around as a human and I'm also a double shot of depresso espresso with an shot of anxiety thrown in.

I always did get high scores, what made me think the RAADS would be any different? 😂

#touch of the tism #autistic #Self diagnosis is valid #Just don't hurt the community with harmful stereotypes #RAADS #Embrace autism dot com

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mariesilvsews · 1 year

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Life things!!

Okay so, as a few of y'all have noticed I've been absolute crap this year as far as being productive, social, existing in general, etc etc etc.

So... besides being super burned out earlier this year because of overdoing it at school, I was also just kinda overdoing it at life.

Mental health; my depresso is stresso. I'm talking to my primary care about getting a referral for a psychiatrist this week, so I can work on my depression more successfully with meds + therapy. Hopefully it'll help (fingers crossed). This right here is like my number 1 reason why I haven't done shit. It's been so bad I've barely felt like I exist.

It's been so bad I started off the new year with a menty b as well as something else that I hadn't done in years, but won't mention here.

Class starts this week but 3 (maaaaaybe 4) of my 5 classes I'm not expecting too much trouble in this semester. One should be kinda challenging? Not sure about a second one yet.

Physical health; some of y'all know, I got hand surgery last summer and while my nerves no longer hurt, I'm still struggling with the bone and ligament pains. So, I'll be contacting my ortho about that as well. I miiiight need physical therapy to work on hand strength idk. I was recommended rest but unfortunately because of the depression, I Cannot Rest™ or I will get more big sads.

I'm also just feeling shitty in general cause guess who got asthma symptoms from allergy shot therapy (me). Working on that too. ;^;

Skating classes resume in two weeks, and while I feel grossly not ready for it physically, I am kinda looking forward to it. Hopefully with help from psychiatric and pain management, I'll be able to actually participate more aah. (I kinda gave up half way through the fall class session, and didn't even participate in winter, so literally I haven't been to the rink since September.....)

Skating friends probably think I ditched them qq and I kinda did, cause I haven't gone to acro yoga or rock climbing or anything with them since before hand surgery, too. I feel bad for not joining them on things but I haven't been able to do anything lately, really.

I've baaaarely been existing and barely able to even take basic care of myself (like getting myself to brush my hair, shower, eat, drink water, do laundry, that kind of thing).

Gonna try (emphasis on try) to work on health this year mainly. I made myself a detailed list of misc goals and to-do list for this year too. I'm hoping that with the personal care needs getting better, I'll be better about working on my to-do list too. Fingers hella crossed.

#marie talks about life #mariesayswords #mental health chats #depression

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legolasghosty · 2 years

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Hi Legolas, I'm about to be annoying and excessive again 💜

3, 4, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 15, 16, 18, 19, 21, 22, 25 all for JATP

Hiiiii, thanks for the ask!

Okay... *cracks knuckles and does some stretches*... here we go.

3: What inspires you to keep creating fanworks?

Answered here!

4: What are your favorite types of fanworks to make?

The thing I do the most(and am probably the best at) is writing fanfics, mostly one shots and stuff cause I have a short attention span, lol! But I also love drawing when I have the time and ideas for it. It's so fun and occasionally turns out pretty!

6: What has been one of your favorite fandom experiences?

Okay, there's so many, but one thing that has been really special for me is that, pretty soon after I got into reading fics on AO3, I started betaing a long fic for @michelangelinden. It's called Between Chaos and Contentment(and a Little Creativity), and just... getting the chapters early and editing and screaming about them with him and just... the whole thing has been absolutely amazing!!! I love them and that fic so much!!! (everyone should go read it!)

8: Who are three fanwork creators (fic writers, gifmakers, artists, meta writers, etc.) that you love seeing on your dash?

Okay, these are in no particular order. First one has to be @latinposeidon. The headcanons and all the fun stuff he posts is amazing! @wr0temyway0ut is another lovely one that I love seeing around! His SMAUs my beloved!!! Last one I'll put here is @lyxchen! Her art is so pretty!!!! I love it so much!

9: What’s a fanwork that made you laugh?

Answered here! But also I have more so... One of yours that cracks me up every time is When the Moon Hits Your Eye Like a Big Pizza Pie, that's a Werewolf. Luke as a werewolf and just... doing weird stuff! I love it, it(and the whole series) makes me laugh every single time!

10: What’s a fanwork that made you cry?

Answered here!

11: What’s a fanwork that made you squeal?

Oh gosh... so many... Here's a good one! I'm Feeling Like I Missed You All This Time by Puddlesandparkinglots! Adorable Willex meeting and getting to know each other and getting together fic! I go back to this one when I need a pick-me-up <3

15: What three fanworks are you the proudest of making?

Answered here!

16: Are there fanworks in JatP that you’ve revisited multiple times?

Yes. Tons. I have a whole list in my head of Willex cuddle fics I go read when I'm feeling depresso. I am a chronic rewatcher/reader/listener. Everything I recommend in here or any other ask is probably something I've read at least three times. Well here's one from the list... Just Let Me Adore You by @julies-butterflies! So cute and soft, I love them so much!

18: What fanwork of yours would you like more fans to check out?

Oh. Um. Well, I don't think anyone should have to read any of my stuff, cause I don't think it's very good. I guess if I have to send you to any of mine, it would probably be You Are My Getaway. It's a cute little Willex fic that I wrote for Michelangelinden(tagged above on a previous question), and I think it turned out pretty cute!

19: What fanwork by someone else would you like more fans to check out?

Answered here! But also I have more so... Petals Under the Edges of my Skin by QueenoftheQuill. I just adore this fic so much and everyone should read it, even if you don't ship Julie and Bobby. It's just fricking gorgeous!

21: What is a recent fic you read for JatP that you enjoyed?

Geez, again with the hard questions? So many good ones! Just going through my AO3 history to the most recent one, We Can Lay Low by @curvesomesunsets. So cute!!!

22: Tag someone who brings great vibes to the JatP fandom!

Uhhh, all y'all? Wait, that's too many people... who haven't I tagged yet on here? @molinapattersons and @fandomscraziness22 both bring the lovely angst vibes that I could never have, so I deeply appreciate them both! I could go on for hours about their fics... and about other people here in the fandom! It's a good time here!

25: What unique thing do you think you bring to the JatP fandom?

... Am I allowed to say absolutely nothing? Like, I don't really... add much. I mostly enjoy everyone else's amazingness, rather than put in the stress and effort to put out my own stuff. I guess I'm a decent beta reader, so I help make other people's stuff better?

Whew, okay, that was a lot. Thank you so much for the ask, these were so fun!!!! Also, I'm so sorry to all the random people I tagged in here. Not trying to bother you, I promise! Just telling the humans how amazing you all are! Y'all are cool and deserve all the kudos and comments and screaming!

Send me some numbers from this list and I'll answer the questions!

#legolas tag #legolas ask #legolas answers asks #jatp fanfic #fic rec #answered ask #ask game #jatp #goodness gracious this took forever!#it was so fun though!#no regrets!#also if any of y'all know the tumblrs of people I mentioned on here without an @#please let me know so I can edit them in #they deserve all the happy yelling

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nil-elk · 3 years

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When that burnout, regular depression, and seasonal depression hit. Brain goes brrrrrrr and overthinks every single interaction you have. Autophobia goes vroom vroom beep beep honk honk.

#don't reblog #i'm just really...tired #my moods keep spiking and then dropping a lot lately #personal #venting #took too many shots of depresso espresso fuck meeeeeee

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funtarou · 3 years

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Wishes || Kuroo x Reader

The Second Part of "Plans" || Kuroo x Reader" fic

Second part is here and I hope it's decent or maybe satisfying enough. Like wise, I'm rusty and still trying to regain my writing zone. Also I haven't throughly slowly proof-read this so-- Also also ya know, like wise, how I depict Kuroo has no guarantee that it's the actual Canon Kuroo, ya know. But I'm tryna get a bit close-

Story Warning: Angst, Comfort/hurt?, Human emotions are weird okay. There's one Sexual action but not described specifically. Still just incase, 13 year old below minors do not interact.

Writing Warning: Bad English grammar and possible spelling mistakes and wrong use of words. English is not my first language and I'm still tryna get back in writing groove.

Read part 1 here

Kuroo Tetsurou never expect such a dirty play from life. He though all of the dark side in life for him has already ran out the moment his mom stormed out of their house when he was a kid. He though it was already enough the moment he heard his own older sister said she doesn't want anything to do with him. He though it was satisfying enough for life to see him bid farewell to his friends back at his old neightbourhood. Maybe he's still naive to think that he won't be affected by any games life would play him after the things he need to went through in his early childhood. Even after it already forced him to think more maturely in a young age, and developed a sort of social anxiety in those younger days, there just seems to be more and more things life had planned for him.

But after witnessing a near-death experience, Your near death experience, he wish life would let him off the Hook. Because it was just too much.

It has been 96 hours since you were hit by the bastard with the car who drives away the next second. And despite already being treated, you still haven't wake up. The doctor said you'll be fine despite the injuries, but might experience headaches when waking up. But on the matter of when, it was still uncertain. For now it's best to let you rest, let your brain process the shock from the hit.

96 hours, and Kuroo still stays by your side. Only leaving on occasion to get some supplies he needs to stay at your hospital room. He hasn't attend his classes for the past four days yet, but has someone he's on good-terms with (and has the same classes as him) to give him notes and stuff that was taught at those classes. Kenma occasionally stopped by to give him food and check up on your condition too. A few of your friends and family also came for the same reason for the past four days.

Even though his heart ache and yearns for you to open your eyes, to know for sure that you'll be okay, he always tries to maintained a cold head. Despite the lingering fear that stays at the back of his head and the image of your frail body being hit and thrown to the side of the road, he put up a strong front. to himself and to the people around him. He has been focusing on his studies despite not present in classes, still maintaining a proper diet and sleep schedule. Acting normal, and trying to think everything is fine now that he knew you're treated and is going to be okay. He cant just go in deep depresso espresso mode now while you're unconcious. Because he knew you'd be upset if you wake up and found out he hasn't been taking care of himself. Another thing he always keep in mind is, that he cant let this bump in life ruined his plans. Not to mention he's nearing graduation if he Ace his essays and IP. He can get a job soon, a well-paid one if he works hard enough. Soon enough he can buy you the things you always dream of getting ever since highschool. He can already imagined the beaming in your eyes when he give it to you, one day.

Yeah. This is just a bump in life. Everyone Will eventually experience it at Times. Nothing is perfect, but that doesn't mean he cant stop trying to reach his future plans with you.

As Kuroo was typing on his laptop, sitting beside your bed with one hand on top of your hand, he sensed a sudden movement. His eyes quickly shot up from the device to your laying figure. He stays quiet for a few seconds, that is before he can feel the sudden broken movements of your fingers in his once again. He stand up, putting the laptop aside before putting another hand on your hand that had moved. Eyes slightly wide in anticipation for your own to open.

"... (Y/n)?"

He whispered, not wanting to startle you. The movement on your hand in his owns slowly became stronger, until it managed to lightly close in to a half fist and open again. Your eyelids trembles lightly, making an effort to open. But when it does, your orbs slowly land on him. He cant help himself, as he feels his vision getting blurry with the unintentional tears gathering up.

"Hey love... How are you feeling...?"

He softly and slowly questions, letting you process your conditions as he notices your eyes roaming around as if trying to understand where you are. And then he sees your eyes roaming at his figure, at your conjoined hands. And for some reason, the way your eyes looked at him, the way it moved as if analyzing him and the way your hand slightly shifted in his soft grip, gave him a bad feeling under the relief.

And it seems like Kuroo's gut feeling has always been spot on. For the words you weakly utter next Made his heart drop.

"... W-Who... Who are you...?"

And he wish you were pranking him at that moment.

2 years since the incident.

The day when you woke up, Kuroo called the doctors to check up on you. After going through some tests, the doctor concluded that the impact and shock from the accident Made you lost a big part of your memories. Your family was called the same day to received the information.

Ever since that day, Kuroo has been trying to rush your memories back. He's taking it slow, not wanting to pressure you and the recovery of your memories. He's been really supportive and optimis on making you remember your family, your friends, your life style, hobbies, and him. Gladly you still remember and can manage most of the things you learned at your major, and you returned back to campus a few days after you woke up. Now you've successfully graduated with an average but good scores. Yet due to not remembering your passion, you're not quiet sure what career you want to take, up until now. You've only been doing part-time jobs and online shops. Everything still feels unfamiliar to your head, yet strangely familiar in your chest.

After getting out of the hospital, You agreed on still staying with Kuroo at your shared apartment. Kuroo also persuaded your family that it might make you remember faster on your latest life style. And in a way, he has a point. Most of the stuffs you supposely enjoy and most of the things you use in your routines is in the apartment. The things back at your family house are the old things you didn't use and left when you moved out for college. In the end you spend those two years living in the same roof with him, someone who people told you is your lover of some years now.

For the past 2 years also, Kuroo tried giving you your space. He restrict himself from kissing you everytime he sees you. He tries to hold back on smushing you againts his chest. He lets you choose where you wanted to sleep, either it be the guest room or your shared bedroom. If you're not comfortable with him hugging you, like how you two used to do everyday, he'll make a distance from your side of the bed or sleep on another place. Through those Times, be tries to done the deeds on his own, not with anyone else, without you knowing too. It's been hard for him to locked up all of his swelling feelings and affections for you, yet he doesn't want to overwhelmed you. Not until you remember him, or maybe, developed the same compassion feelings for him as your new self.

But it seems like you've caughed on his hidden desperation for you. And if there's a side of you that stays, it's your need to return the favor he has been giving you. Afterall, he's the most supportive person you've met ever since you woke up. The one who let you stay at the apartment despite not remembering him, the one that pays for all your need with his new found job, the one that's with you through the twisted road for you to remember the people you love and cherished. And so that night, you confronted him.

"Please let me help, Kuroo."

Despite the sting in his heart when hearing you call him with his last name, he cant hold himself back. Afterall, saying no to you feels so heavy for him to do.

You felt familiar under his touch, under his warmth. And whatever he did to your body, you always response accordingly. He knew every parts of your body, every beauty and insecurities. He knew what to do, because before the incident it's not like you two were playing holy-boy holy-girl in your relationship.

There's this momenterally serotonin he felt when being connected with you once again. Seeing your raw emotions of pleasure and your body doing the talking. It feels like everything was back like how it was. Everything was normal, back when you would know every part of him as much as he does, back when you utter the words of love as much as he does. But, he described the feeling as "momenterally" for a reason.

You two spend the night, cuddled againts each other, or could also be said him pulling you close out of habbit. But after experiencing one of the world's pleasure with you again, he really just need to be slapped with a sour something.

"Kuroo... I don't think I could keep pretending..."

Because deep in your heart, Kuroo Tetsurou is still a stranger in your foggy head. To your old self, your old memories, he would be the man of your dreams, the man you wish would spend forever with you. But now everything is different. You tried to find that passion within you for him, it's not like it's that hard because he was an attractive man. Despite all that, you come to realized it feels wrong. You knew, you've been knowing of how he loves you with all his beings and existence, while you only stays and manifested your love for him through a facade and a form of "Pity" for his desperate heart. It fills your chest with aching guilt, feeling as if you're using him at his more vulnurable mental and emotional state.

One could say you utter your next words on panic and quite irrantional thinking. Yet it felt right at the back of your head, to let him break free from the past. To let yourself break free. Because your little heart cant keep this game much longer.

Yet, He wish you would for a little longer.

4 years passed by.

The whispering noises of the audiences are audible through the whole building. Some excited whispers, some casual talks. They're all waiting for you, not to mention the spiky haired JVA member.

His head hang low, looking down at the ground. Hands remains restless, patting his neat suit here and there and occasionally being put in his pant's socket. Beside him was Kenma, putting a hand behind his back and soothing his best friend.

Minutes passed by, and finally the slow music started playing, silently announcing to the people in the building of your soon arrival. The flower girl appeared from the door first, your nephew dressed In beautiful frilly white dress with flowers decorating. Her Tiny hands throwing the pastel mix colored petals as she skipped her way down the aisle. Some of your relatives coo'ed at her cute attics while throwing the flowers. And then when your form is visible In the room, all eyes are on you. Dolled up beautifully in your long white wedding attire, a thin veil lightly covering your face. You walked down the aisle, a family member holding one of your arm, accompanying you to your soon to be husband.

If someone were to ask what Kuroo Tetsurou though Angels looked like, he would describe this scene in front of him.

The scene was beautiful and breath-taking to Kuroo's eyes. Even Kenma can hear his tall friend's breath hitching for a second when his eyes land on you. Your face moved up, eyes locking at Kuroo's cat like ones as if on instinct. You two starred for a few seconds, before a small smile softly tugged at the edge of your glossed lips. But after that smile, you turned your head and tore your gaze away from his.

A drop of tear unconciously traveled down his face. Followed by another from his other eye, and then followed by a few more soon after. He's silently crying, holding on a sob as his hands formed in a fist shakingly. Kenma of cource notices this, as he glanced to his tall friend beside him. But he was unsure of what to do himself that can comfort his best friend, and so he continued rubbing (hopefully) comforting circles behind the taller male's back.

Afterall, Kenma doesn't think he's in a much better emotional state than Kuroo at this moment either. Where Kuroo cried on his realization of fully loosing you to another, Kenma hold tears of his mix emotions. Kenma's happy for you and your soon to be husband, but he cant help but sympathize with Kuroo. Afterall he's the only guy that has seen and hear you two go through all the hard and happy Times. It's always you three since grade school. Even though you and Kuroo formed a romantic relationship Along the way, you two never left Kenma behind and Kenma never stop supporting you two. And at this moment, Kenma is unsure how to feel with the whole ordeal. He wanted his best friend back together like before, but he doesn't want to force you in to it, not when you forgot all those happy and sad Times you three experienced together.

And as you reached the end of the aisle, a hand awaited to take yours in. A hand that was not Kuroo's, but someone whom he atleast knew at one point in life. Osamu Miya. The man you met and developed deep feelings for, after you left him back in Tokyo.

Kuroo thinks you're being subconciously quiet mercifull for him. If you were to marry someone you and him knew for years, it would be more painful for him to try and mask his sadness with a smiling face in false supportive-ness. And as he sat there in silent tears, he watch and listens to you ex-changing vows with the Kansai man you've chosen to plan your new future with.

He wish it was him again. He wish he has that privilages to be a part of your future again.

Afterall he already planned everything beforehand.

As Osamu slipped the gold ring through your delicate finger, Kuroo's mind went back to a few days a go. Where he had found a neatly wrapped letter in his mailbox. He wished he didn't come when you had sent him a wedding invitation. But years of not seeing you nor ex-changing much conversation through text, could add to the factor on how desperate he is to remain in contact with you. Even after years, He's not used to being so far away like this yet.

His cat like eyes bore on to the piece of decorated paper.

How he wish it was his name written there beside yours.

5 years has passed by since the wedding.

After the ceremony Kuroo only greeted a few familiar faces and then silently leave with Kenma. For some reason Kuroo doesn't have it in him to face you, nor say his congratulations for you. He doesn't feel like tugging a smile for you at all that day. He hoped you didn't dechiper his emotionless face as something bad.

Now he's sitting in quietly, looking at the stars above him. Behind him can be seen a wooden cabin he had rent for a small nature trip, by himself. He thinks maybe he needs it, to atleast distract himself from the though of you. Honestly the first thing that dragged him to nature and disconnect with technology, is when he sees a picture being posted by Osamu Miya and shared by Atsumu on his social account. A picture of you and your 3 year old daughter with Osamu, smiling happily as it seems the three of you are eating at Onigiri Miya.

But for some reason, having his time within the fresh air of the mountains and therapeutic noises of the forest surrounding him, only Made his thoughs Drifts further on you. He though that your love is truly for him. He though that maybe he does deserve "forever". Maybe he shouldn't expect so much back then. There was never been a perfect love story from the beginning and he should've seen it coming. Even if all the odds around him seems to lead him on thinking "yes you two are meant together", maybe it's just another one of life's trial. He kept thinking like that through the 5 years.

Crouching down, Kuroo grabbed a small gasoline can that was placed beside his leg. He walked further to the wild, the backyard of the cabin, nearing a cliff where in the morning the breath-taking view of the waterfall and field can be seen. From his inside jacket pocket, he pulled out a paper file. When opening the file, it can be seen there are several papers within it and one quiet thick handmake-shift book.

He took a seat on the dirt, not minding some dust getting on his already dirty pants from the previous hike he had. One by one, his eyes wander off through the pieces of paper in the file, reading his small writings on it before dropping it to the ground in front of him. Until all the paper has been read lightly and dropped on the ground, he moved to the book. He only ever took the moment to fully and slowly read the words on the first date of the book. The date where he finally mustered the courage to confess his long-time feelings for you, and the date where he found out you also felt the same. Felt.

He schemed through the rest of the page, rather carelessly. Because he knew if he ever took the time to read each and every single plans he had for you and him, he would spend the rest of the night in tears. Heck maybe he couldn't even sleep seeing how many he wrote in the past.

Finally he reached the last page with his writings on it. His saving plans to buy you a ring. His written plan of how he was going to pull one of the best proposal action, only for you. Seems like all of that is for nothing now.

Kuroo closed the book, dropping it down with the other papers on the dirty ground. Standing up, he stretched his limbs lightly before moving to grab and open the gasoline can. Pouring all over the papers and book, not leaving any surfaces untouched, until all the papers are nicely soaked. After he emptied the gasoline can, he pulled a box of matches out from his pant's pocket.

He lights one up and throw it at the pile of papers. It went out before it could touch the wet surface, which Made Kuroo clicked his tongue in annoyence. He lights up another one, but this one went out in his hand when a sudden gush of wind hit his face. He groans in silent frustration.

'Now nature wants to hold me back?'

Was his first though.

He tries one more time. Lighting up a match, but this time dragging it down and guiding it to touch the surface of the papers. This time it finally lights up the flames on the paper. He sight contently, standing back up to see how the fire slowly covered and burns every pieces of papers and the book. Soon enough, the small fire turned in to a camp fire with the amount of fuels given to it.

The mountain around this place is quiet, especially at this time of the night. The only thing prominently audiable to the spiky haired male at the moment are the sound of the fire eating the papers.

And just like that his future plans are all ruined by the flames. The flames in front of him right now, and the flames of lingering love he still has for you. Just this week he figured he should destroy the pieces of papers that still Remind him of the old Times with you, so that he could move forward. He's in his late twenties already, he needs to get over with things and start looking up for his own future. No matter how lonely it seems like without you by his side.

He wish in another life, he could have the privilages to plan a future with you once again.

And maybe if that time does happen, he wish that everything wasn't just mere plans and wishes.

If he were to be given another chance, in another time or another universe,

He'll make sure to make every wish and plans he had in this life, a reality.

A solid reality of you and him.

But for this life, it seems like it was never meant to be.

- End

A/N: I hope I delivered well. Maybe- Actually I wish I could deliver my ideas better

Like wise, cover edit by me but the image belongs to the Haikyuu manga

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