#I've been too exhausted myself to have many writing ideas lately but this is giving me more than I've had in ages

[feelbokkie]

Emergency Bokkie's Room #2

(Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again)

I want to start off by saying that I'm not mad. At least not right now. I was at first, but I'm just tired at this point and something should be said.

You might have noticed that I haven't been as active content writing wise lately and that I've stopped tagging my mutuals in the hashtag section of my posts and there are reasons for that.

fair warning, there will be swearing below

there will also probably be spelling and grammar mistakes bc I don't care

I am getting tired. I'm not burnt out. God, I wish I was because i have so many ideas running through my head at all times that it's exhausting.

I'm straight up, no longer having a good time on this account and that's because of somethings that have been happening behind the scenes. I wasn't going to talk about it but at the end of the day, I should address them, even if it's only once.

In no particular order:

First, if you're going to harass my mutuals. Don't. I stopped tagging my mutuals via hashtags, I deleted my mutuals list, and I am painstakingly going through the old hashtags and deleting them. They're my friendships. Who I interact with, how I interact with them, and when I interact with them is between me and that individual.

If you want to be friends with me, talk to me. Ask anyone, I'm pretty pleasant to talk to when I'm not going through it.

But also, remember that I'm an adult and I can take care of myself. I don't need anyone fighting my battles for me. If you're concerned about who I surround myself with, take that up with me directly, or trust that can handle things on my own. Because, at the end of the day, I can. If you're mad that I'm friends with them and not you, maybe try having a conversation with me first before you go attacking people. Just a a help suggestion.

Second,

i know i'm annoying at times. i'm the youngest child, it's in my blood. if you are getting annoyed by my rambles, simply just block them. I tag all my rumbles and I even made a helpful guide on how to do so right here and i even have a list of commonly used tags that i have on this account too that you can also block

Finally, I shouldn't have to say this because it should be very obvious but shit like this is never okay:

First of all, if you're going to be blatantly racist to anyone, unkindly get the fuck off my page. My fics are not for you. I don't have the time or patience to deal with you or your ignorant ass. If I see you being disrespectful towards anyone in my asks, comments, etc. it's an automatic block on all my accounts, I don't give a single fuck.

Secondly, I'm delusional, yes, but I'm also just having fun. I'm not actually trying to date anyone in skz or any other idol for that matter. It's called a joke, I don't know if anyone's explained the concept to you, but it's not to be taken seriously. Just like my page isn't. Me joking about me dating Seungmin and how "that man owns me atp" isn't serious and it wasn't serious enough for you to call me the n-word with the hard -er. Which, congratulations btw, you are the second person ever to call me that to my face (the first being my dad and he is the devil reincarnate so, what does that make you?).

I shouldn't have to sit here and lecture anyone on basic human decency and common sense but here we are. We are very rapidly approaching a future where I'm just not on tumblr at all anymore which sucks for a multitude of reasons and I'm just trying to have fun like everyone else.

Okay, that's all. For those of you who read through the end and didn't need to be scolded, sorry about that. Please take this big hug as an apology

#emergency feelbokkies room

[weirdmorefics]

the same person who asked this

Hi there. Can I request a Anthony Bridgeton x ftm reader slightly set in modern era where they have twins and Anthony's family loves the reader and is okay with there relationship. I just want fluff with a (little too big of a) dash of angst. Something domestic where they go on a vacation and them all running around the garden and at the end of the night after the twins go to sleep y/n and Anthony spend time alone just talking, cuddling and swaying to music while looking in each other's eyes...im just a simp for fluff and angst.

Sorry if this is too specific or non-specific and if you don't feel like writing it then it's cool. Thank you ❤️

Just Shut Up and Kiss Me

FTM Reader

Pronouns- He/Him

Word Count- 523

Summary- After a long day at the ocean with the twins, you and Anthony finally get some quality time together.

A/N- MODERN TIME PERIOD! It's not exactly like the request I hope you still like it :)

Sorry for the lateness I've said in another post but it is due to the Flu and I have many chronic illnesses so it took me a while to get back to baseline.

The twins were more rambunctious than they were at the estate which I did not even know was possible. I guess vacations bring out the energy in all of us. We spent the day together at the ocean and they could not contain their excitement.

To be honest, though any public body of water raises my anxiety. Even after top surgery, I feel like I should be wearing a shirt but Anthony eases my nerves. He has been with me through it all even if he was a bit uneducated about the subject at first. Eloise helped him research everything about top surgery and we played board games all throughout my recovery. Anthony acts as quite the buffer as well, his handsomeness certainly distracts from me. Anthony still encourages me to feel good in my skin with the salacious comments he whispers in my ear. Even with his encouragement, it is still very tiring to fight those feelings all day.

I am grateful that the kids poured all their energy into creating intricate sand castles and destroying them. By the time we got to the summer home, the kids were so exhausted they passed out the minute their head hit their pillows. I felt exhausted myself from the sun, the crazy twins, and many emotions of the day. After tucking the children in I planned on going to sleep but Anthony had other ideas.

"Come on darling I have something to show you," Anthony says dragging me away from the twin's room practically giving me no choice.

"Anthony what has you in such a tizzy," I laugh at his usual antics.

"I just want to show you something as mesmerizing as your eyes," He says with a goofy grin.

I blush and try to hide my face, "Stop you're going to make me gag."

"You know you love my romantic words," he laughs deeply.

I roll my eyes, "Don't get too full of yourself."

"You already know I am full of myself that's why you married me handsome." He smirks

"Yeah, sure that's why," I laugh.

"Enough of denying how perfect my personality is look up," he says gesturing to the sky.

I go to make some stupid witty remark when I look to the sky.

"There are so many stars here you never see this many in London!" I gasp in awe.

"I have always wanted to take you here ever since I met you Y/N. The moment I saw your eyes they always sparkle when you are talking about something you are passionate about just like these stars."

I feel my whole face start to turn red which in turn makes my face even redder because now I am embarrassed about being embarrassed what a vicious cycle. I try to turn away to sass Anthony about being too gooey again but he pulls my face towards his.

"Don't you ever hide your feelings my love because you make every emotion a work of art." He says suavely making me want to smack him.

I roll my eyes, "Just shut up and kiss me."

"That I can do," he smirks wickedly.

Support Me Here

#ftm reader #bridgerton x reader #anthony bridgerton x you #anthony bridgerton x reader #anthony bridgerton x y/n #bridgerton x you #bridgerton x y/n #bridgerton x male reader #male y/n #bridgerton one shot

[girlvinland]

I don't really know why I'm writing this right now, I guess there's a part of me that just needs to be able to put things out there to someone other than the two people I talk to regularly about it. Not that I am looking for any words about it, but it's just the writing it out that helps. I question why I wouldn't just write about it in a discord server with friends I'm close to or something, but in a way that feels too intimate somehow, and I'm used to writing here.

I'm finally getting more used to being able to refer to myself as a lesbian, but it's still something that mixes up so many emotions in me: joy, guilt, resentment, fear. Looking back at the past two decades of having to dig myself out of the ground in this manner is strange. When I think of past versions of myself, it's like looking at someone who was attached to strings and not moving of their own accord. I don't want to go specifically into a lot of that, but. It just makes me really sad. It makes me sad, too, that it took a fucking proposal for me to actually break free of expectation and say no, no, no, I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this. I can't be old someday and hate myself because I was too much of a coward to break free earlier. I know there are people who do that, but...I couldn't. It would have been hurting more than myself. It would have been this thing tacked onto my conscious until I died.

It's been over a year now since I really started moving forward and came out of whatever daze I had been in for so long. Like, I had fully resigned myself to the idea that I had no choice in anything in my life because other people tended to make so many decisions for me. It's stupid, isn't it? Especially when it's not like I'm a child or anything. I don't mean it to say that I had no autonomy or anything like that, but I mean it in the sense that I felt so programmed to make sure other people were happy even if I wasn't. And I felt so often that it was too late to fix the problem. It was not. It can still be fixed. I'm working on it.

I think the thing I fear the most is just...the exhaustion. I don't view coming out again as something exciting or fun or whatever. Any instance of that has always felt like a chore or a burden. I just want to be able to go about my business and not have to deal with reactions and opinions from people, I don't want to have to explain things 500 times or answer even more questions. I hate that stuff so much. Like I know no one is entitled to it, but things still come up all the time and you're still having to deal with people's bullshit over and over again in these situations. I've told some people I trust, but beyond that, thinking about it gives me this mental burnout. So right now, it's kind of just been this thing that exists between myself and a very limited number of people. It's hard for me to speak candidly about it even though I really want to be able to. I feel like some people can so easily talk about these things, but for me, too much felt buried. The thing is that for the last ten years or so, I really started digging, and every day I get closer to being dug out completely. I just keep digging because at this rate that's all there is left to do, and I would rather not continue living half-buried.

#by bug #sexuality #this post got long i'm sorry #it was kind of just...letting myself talk without a filter for a sec

[someoneinjersey]

made it through the weekend and even was able to go get some things done before we went and picked Bizzy up from her babysitter. i got my oil changed and i wanted to throw a fit because it cost $68. Ten years ago I could go right down the road and get an oil change for less than $25. what the actual fuck. so goddamn aggravating. told my mom about it and how as usual i'm not even a week into the month and basically all my disability money is gone. all she said was "welcome to adulthood. sad." and i swear i wanted to reach through the phone and shake the shit outta her. last week or the week before, kate and i had a big not-fight and during our talk afterwards we discussed how since my mom is my single biggest trigger and/or the source of seemingly unrelated triggers, i need to go back and make more boundaries or reinforce the ones i tried to put in place a while ago. and i was like hm, okay, i'll have to think about how i can broach the subject of say, being in contact like once a week unless something comes up maybe. then the very next day mom hit me with "you know i think if you didn't come to see me in october i wouldn't have survived" and i just threw my fucking hands in the air and gave up. idk what to fucking do and i don't have a therapist anymore and i'm extra moody about it all right now because i started my period four days late.

in any case regarding money, i was able to not mooch off kate all weekend since we went away so early in the month, and so the only things i "treated" myself to (besides food which is 50/50 on whether or not it's a treat or making life easier or whatever) was a denim boiler suit from walmart, potting soil, four pots, and a grow lamp so i can repot and move the four plants that live on the kitchen windowsill. i've never kept plants alive this long so i don't intend on letting them die yet, so they're getting bigger pots and new soil and i'll likely move them into my bedroom. probably switch night stands and stick them on the one in the far corner with the grow lamp. i wish we had places to put them out in the house but A we get zero sun B the aloe plant and chrysanthemum aren't good for the cats and C i'm the only one that takes care of them anyway so they might as well just stay in my space. and it's also like, is it "treating" myself to something if it's keeping a living thing alive? idk. and the denim boilersuit looks so fucking cute i have no regrets spending $28 on it.

it's still incredibly weird drinking coffee every day but it has been helping my moods, surprisingly. i also make myself have a cup of tea (usually decaffeinated green tea) before bed. i'm still keeping up with my planner, though i'm letting myself slide when it comes to my little goal of reading every day. if i blow through too many stories too fast i burn out, so i'm taking my current book slowly and giving myself some grace to take days off. i've eaten like shit since thursday what with being away from home (and today being busy and too tired to cook) so i've noticed i feel not as good in that respect but i can get back on track maybe by tomorrow. maybe. still being exhausted and also being in my period doesn't really bode well for having the energy to make healthy meals or being able to deny my period mood cravings. i have a very unhealthy relationship with food. my feelings inside turn foul and evil if i can't have exactly what i want to eat when i want it if i have a craving. it might actually be psychotic.

i have some things i've been wanting to write, little fanfic ideas. or maybe not so little. but i can't activate that switch in my brain to actually do it. i have hang ups. a lot of them. bah

oh and i left my apple watch on the other side of the state like a fuckin champ. night yall

[mushlandsandbeyond]

Final Entry

An entry from the late Philippe Aphros's diary.

Just Paste It version: [LINK]

= = =

Junius 29, 15XX

Ariana is gone. It's been several days of fighting and she's gone. The Cataclysm doesn't seem to be backing down easily, but it seems to be slowing down. Hopefully, I will be able to find its weak spot and take it down with the Vita Extraction spell... 

[ ID: a weathered and smudged page from Philippe's diary. Concept sigils for the extraction spell. The others are just sketches, but the largest one has a circle surrounding four leaves, slanted diagonally and meeting at the center. The leaves have the words "seize" and "withdraw" written in the galactic alphabet. At the very center of this sigil was a square with bars, representing a cage or a cell. The rest of the sigil is decorated with more leaves and arrows pointing towards the cage. at the bottom, there is text that says: 1. Draw on sand, 2. write the words with dyed flow ink to finalise, 3. chant the words quietly for 5 minutes straight. there is more text below that that says "if killed beforehand..." end ID. ]

I still can't believe everything she's done to Calicle Way. First, sending me off to an expedition that led to NOWHERE, only to come back years later and find her puppeting a vessel that looked exactly like me. I feel sick, I feel like an apple rotting from the inside, festering and being consumed by the Earth herself... Our fight with each other was short lived after the emergence of this wretched beast, and before exchanging any more words, she was eaten just like it was nothing. Words cannot explain the full scope of my emotions. This betrayal of my own twin sister, I can't help but feel so, so livid. I've cried about fifty times already, all about different things relating to my sister. I'm tired.

The wizards of Calicle Way are dwindling. If something happens to me before the spell is cast, I pray to the Goddess of Dust that their fight will soon be over. This spell and sigil is quite challenging to cast, unfortunately... The power is dependent on the intent of the caster. If the caster was not as willing to sap the energy from the Cataclysm, it would take much more manpower to subdue it to the ground. A waste of energy, really...

Regardless, I just want this over with. I want to help Calicle Way like I promised I would, mend our relationship again, as the ruler... Ariana had done enough to my people.

... Before I go back to bed, I just want to record the prophetic dream I had. In my dream... Before I saw myself failing to protect Calicle Way from my sister, I saw something shadow over the shores. It was a man's silhouette, unusually large for his small size, but... It formed and shifted. It looked exactly like the beast we're desperately trying to eliminate.

Then I saw a descendant of mine. He would slay the shadow once and for all. He was young. In my dream, it was as if I was transported fifteen-hundred years into the future. I was devastated to see that it would take so many years, with Calicle Way in shambles from him of all things.

I couldn't find my great grandson's name... and I can't recall now, either. But I found the shadow's name instead. Why it had a name, I have no idea, but it seemed to be very attached to the name "Samson". Strange. I hope I'm wrong about that, because giving it a name would make it seem more human, and right now, that thing is the least human creature on this planet.

Although it is barely sunrise, I'm no longer tired. I can't sleep any longer, and "Samson" has crawled back into the cave and passed out from exhaustion according to the intelligence. That gives me more time to finish casting this spell... It would be too risky to wake him up again.

Goodnight. If that dream turns out to be true, I hope my great grandson reads this... You are our hope, and by the time you read this, I am already dead. However, I hope that this dream is wrong. I love you.

[ This is the last page in Philippe's diary. ]

#echino mesa #writing #philippe aphros #lore #the mushlands + beyond #minecraft #mineblr

[mint-yooxgi]

hey, i saw that anon’s ask and that’s really...inconsiderate? for them to say. you have evey right to be angry and i am for you too.

first off, writing so many works in such a short amount of time is so much work! kinktober and then the hotel california series...i can’t even imagine. plot line and storybuilding and character traits, even if it’s just blurbs or shorter things, those takes a lot of thinking. writing is a creative art and takes out a lot from you. after all, it’s bringing to the world what ideas you have in mind and that’s not easy. things like word count...does having more words really make a story better? no.

i know the anon was disappointed but...they need to have realistic expectations and understand that us writers have our own principles when it comes to writing, such as quality > quantity. or that hey, sometimes things fit long and not. i feel like word count doesn’t count as feedback, because feedback to us is about the quality of writing rather than the length. perhaps something more constructive would be “hey, i think you could’ve expanded on this part of taeyong’s character because it would make the story even more interesting!” or “the ending was confusing, maybe you could explain it more”.

but the whole thing about how everyone always wants, expects something grand from us writers...like yeah, requests are fine but some people feel entitled to give the asks like you mentioned that you receive and that’s totally not fair. we writers are humans too and saying that kind of thing really shows how...how it feels to be essentially used as an outputter for content even though i know for a fact most of us write for ourselves and have chosen to share it with the world because we want to. it’s so much more draining and easier to burn out otherwise.

sorry that you have to deal with those kinds of asks. you have every right to be angry and everything.

Y’all really pulled up for the ‘protect and support Jackie’ squad and I'm literally so touched 🥺🥺🥺

You have no idea how validating it is to read this message, I cannot thank you enough. Everything you said - you’ve literally taken the words out of my mouth. There is 100% a proper way to give constructive criticism, but I know so many do not know how to do that. Saying shit like “oh, it wasn’t long enough” isn’t helping, nor does it give a direction to take things in. Exactly like you’ve said!!

I’ve been so grateful to myself lately because of how much I've been able to write. I seriously haven’t had this much time, motivation, or inspiration to write like this in such a long time. I’m still proud of what I've done, and I really appreciate you saying these things. To have such a thing be acknowledged and even praised is so validating, you have no idea. But, like you’ve said, writing this much can really be very mentally draining, too! There have even been some nights where I have to force my eyes open and mentally jog my brain to stay awake to finish a chapter cause I want to get it out that night. It’s both physically and mentally exhausting.

Literally though!!! I can’t count the amount of times where I've been writing a fic and I'll get to the end of a scene and go, “this seemed like it would be longer in my head” but it is what it is, I have to accept that and move on. Yes, a lot of my fics (especially my full length ones) have gotten longer lately, because I've also grown as a writer. However, there are also going to be times where they’re not going to be very long, and I deserve to write those short ones just as much as the longer fics! I deserve mental breaks through writing, and I also deserve to not have people have these unrealistic expectations, as you’ve mentioned, that every fic of mine is going to be something like 20k words. I reiterate, these are technically also drabbles! Drabbles are meant to be short!! Like??????

Don’t get me wrong, when I want them, I do really enjoy receiving certain types of requests, like for drabbles of these kinktober prompts. But just like I have a right to deny a request, I have a right to make a request as long or as short as I want. I’m just glad you reached out to tell me this and it feels so validating to know you feel the same.

Thank you so much for this message, you have no idea how much I appreciate it!!

#ask #literally the sweetest #omg #Thank You #!!!

[starrierknight]

Unfortunately I went to sleep way too late so I've been tired this whole time 😔 (Just couldn't get to sleep)

But hey the stuff I had to do went better than I thought? Which means I get to rest now! 😁

So uhhh how have you been? How did you sleep? Also cool stuff about that image! I just really like demon (and angel) imagery, especially with wings or tails

...Side note, how do you get yourself to write? How do you manage to just. write? I have a story I wanna write and ideas and great characters and all that but I can't get myself to actually start writing it properly. Especially because I struggle with phrasing sentences correctly and come up with the story out of order :/

I was actually thinking about you earlier because I was thinking of bunnies, thought you may like to hear that hehe

- Star ✨

(I cannot for the life of my find my actual emoji on this device so just pretend it's the right one)

awwww :/ my poor starlet, I'm so sorry you weren't able to sleep properly last night. I'm super glad that your stuff went smoothly tho!!! I feel like you deserve an easy day since you couldn't sleep.

but yeah!! I've been good, I slept well and for long enough, although I'm a night owl so I went to bed at around 1am haha. had my lunch and I'm gonna let that settle before I get on my pc and write.

nooooo because same here!!!! I love it so much, the aesthetics are stunning but the language surrounding it is so lush. so much to work with, which I just adore <3

HAHAHAHA icl!!! it's not always easy!!! I find that it's best to break it down into little stages and convince myself to make a "little start" <- I'm a completionist, so once I make a start I won't put it down until it's finished or I exhaust myself lolol. I've gotten better at taking breaks, which is also really important if you write. it's easy to sign yourself up for too many WIPs (like I did with kinktober).

I find that listening to music that reminds me of what I wanna write and just... casually mulling ideas over in my mind until it all eats away at me, so I just have to write it so that it doesn't consume my thoughts lol. I'd suggest bullet pointing what you want to happen in a doc, because then you can change the order. you don't have to write chronologically! hell, your story doesn't even have to be chronological.

the best advice I can give for phrasing, syntax, grammar, yada yada yada... is to read more. especially reading older literature rather than sticking to contemporary. you'll pick up tricks really quickly if you do that!!

hahaha wow??? me, on your mind?? little ol' me?? damn. and bunnies???? wow, you're going after my heart huh 😵‍💫🩷

#hahaha you're all good star dw dw #꒰ =͟͟͞♡ ꒱ — love letters #꒰ ♡⃕ ꒱ — 💫

[yuta-nakamots]

misfit - j.sc

Pairing - Sungchan x Reader

Genre - Horror/Thriller, Angst, Fluff

Warnings - serial killer, character death, violence, murder, implications of sex

Summary - A murderer is on the loose, killing with no regret and ending the lives of more than just a few people. No one knew who it was, turning against each other upon even the slightest bit of doubt. Maybe you should’ve been more careful with who you chose to trust. 

Word Count - 5.3k

A/N - this is inspired entirely from a dream I had a few days ago. I've added very little to what I saw in my dream aside from Sungchan as the male lead. yes, I am freaked out by this and yes, I am scared of writing for Sungchan bc I don’t know his personality all too well but as an ‘01 liner myself I have faith in us

Written for the #NeoHalloween writing festival hosted by @nct-writers​. Check out the masterlist here.

For five months now, your town has lived in fear. A serial killer was on the loose and he was known by the name of Hickleback Jack though no one knew where the name came from or who had started it. Each month, the population of your town voted on the local community board to have one person executed who they thought was Hickleback Jack. So far, not a single guess was right leaving five innocent people dead. Well, five plus an extra thirty, give or take.

See, the thing about Hickleback Jack, was that every time the votes came in at the end of the month, he could see just who voted for him and targeted them as his next victims. He killed six of those people over the following month, adding up to seven dead each time the town guessed incorrectly. It was getting to a point where no one trusted each other, no one dared to say anything against each other in fear of being accused or in fear of being the next to fall mercy to Hickleback Jack.

Not much was known about this killer other than his appearance. He’s male with a tall and broad figure though he always covers his face with some kind of mask. His common weapon is known to be an axe. People have claimed to have seen him late at night under the dim orange glow of the street lamps but he was never caught by the authorities, leaving everyone restless and waiting for the next kill.

The night was still young when you had gotten home from school and it was a Friday night which was basically an open invitation for you to call over your boyfriend, Sungchan. He had transferred in to your university at the start of the school year, and had ended up sitting next to you during your sophomore seminar class, leading to the start of your friendship with him.

A simple friendship soon blossomed into a relationship after Sungchan’s bright personality began shining through his somewhat intimidating exterior. You lived without fear when Sungchan was around, the love you had for him blocking out anything else in the world that wasn’t him.

You sat on your bed, your homework spread out in front of you while you held your phone up to your ear. “Do you want to come over tonight?” You ask as soon as he picks up your call.

You hear rustling on the other end of the call before Sungchan clears his throat and speaks, his voice husky from sleep. “Sorry, can you repeat that?”

“I said, do you want to come over tonight?” You paused and heard him yawn. “You fell asleep after class didn’t you?” You smiled to yourself thinking of your boyfriend’s handsome face as he napped after getting back to his apartment once he finished with his classes for the day, which was a common occurrence now that the semester was in full swing.

“Mmm,” he hummed in thought, “as much as I’d love to, I really shouldn’t have taken that nap because of how much homework I have.”

“Oh, that’s okay, do your homework first,” you reassure him, “maybe we can hang out some other time this weekend. It’s only Friday after all.”

“Definitely. Are you starting yours right now?” Sungchan asked.

“Yeah, I’d rather not wait and end up cramming on Sunday night.” You laughed, knowing that said event has happened more times that you’d like to admit.

Sungchan let out a noise of agreement. “I’ll let you know when I’m done with my homework though.”

“Same here.” You promised.

“Alright, let’s get to work and I’ll talk to you soon.” He told you.

“Sounds good, love you.”

“Love you too.”

With that you hung up, eager to start on your homework in hopes of getting to spend more time with your boyfriend. You actually had a lot of it this weekend thanks to molecular biology, and you figured that if you couldn’t talk to Sungchan, who had yet to take the course, you called up your study group discord instead. Luckily, many of them were in similar situations as you, faced with the daunting task of completing all the worksheets assigned during class earlier in the day.

“Okay so was anyone paying attention during the lecture today?” Your classmate Chenle asked.

“I know Yeji fell asleep so you’re in the same boat as her.” You interject, recalling the sight of both of them knocked out in their seats as the professor droned on about the functions of the structures inside cells.

Yeji let out a gasp of shock at how blatantly you called her out. “I may have fallen asleep but at least I still know that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.”

“Everyone knows that, Yeji.” Your other classmate Jaemin said, his voice void of enthusiasm.

“Okay, Jaemin, we get it, Mr. Serious.” You teased.

“Yeah, this is a biology study group, not a bible study group, lighten up a little.” Chenle jokes.

Jaemin scoffed, “sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s trying to do well in this class.”

“Well not all of us enjoy the taste of coffee with six shots of caffeine in them.” Yeji argued back.

“Guys,” you called out as Jaemin and Yeji started arguing, “guys!” They finally stopped to hear what you had to say. “Let’s just get this over with sooner rather than later because I know none of us want to be awake at 2am trying to figure this out alone.”

“Agreed,” Chenle said, “so question three, the one about the DNA mutation, how is missense different from nonsense?”

“Missense is where one of the bases mutates and changes to something else, therefore changing the protein level,” Jaemin explained, “nonsense is the same theoretical concept except it spells out one of the stop codes.”

Yeji let out a groan, “can you slow down, or like, I don’t know, use easier words or something?”

Most of your night passed by like this and before you knew it, it was already nearing midnight and you could tell your classmates were just as exhausted as you. “I think we should call it here.”

“Definitely,” Yeji confirmed, “tomorrow morning at 10?”

You all let out similar answers of acknowledgement before Chenle spoke up. “The poll closes on tomorrow night so make sure to vote if you haven’t already.”

Because of how long this has been going on for, everyone was already on the same page once someone mentioned the poll or voting. “There were only five kills this month so I wouldn’t be surprised if the last one is announced tomorrow or Sunday morning.” Jaemin chimed in.

“All the recent kills were related to the university so I know a lot of people are suspecting someone in our age range.” Yeji informed the group.

Jaemin let out a chuckle, “if the killer actually is a college student, I wouldn’t be surprised since it is getting close to the last wave of midterms and then finals so that would explain why the victims fall into the same category.” The chat fell silent at that. “I’m just saying that he’s getting a little lazy by grouping all his kills like this.”

“Jaemin, are you sure you’re not the killer?” Chenle asked with a laugh at the end.

“Guys, I can promise you that I’m not the killer, I swear on my life.” Jaemin promised.

“Alright, that’s enough detective work for tonight, I’ll start the call again around 10 tomorrow. Sounds good?” You conclude, wanting to curl up under your covers already, which is exactly what you do once everyone wishes each other a good night and hung up.  

Morning came a little too quickly for your liking, the bright sunlight flooding into your room through the window and forcing you awake. Checking your phone, you saw that it was 9:30am, meaning you had some time to spare before your next meeting with the bio study group, along with a notification from Sungchan that he had sent well after you had fallen asleep.

Sungchan > y/n

2:14am: Just got rescheduled to work opening shift tomorrow.

2:15am: Didn’t finish my homework but I can stop by at your house after work with my stuff and we can hang out and have fun once we’re both done?

Your heart warmed at how he stayed up late trying to finish his homework for you and that he suggested the idea of coming over after his shift at a small local restaurant finished just so the two of you could be together even if you’d be focusing on your own tasks for a while.

y/n > Sungchan

9:32am: Sorry I didn’t text back earlier, I just woke up!

9:32am: But of course you can come over, I might even be done with my work by then ;)

You plugged your phone to let it charge and left it on your nightstand as you made yourself breakfast downstairs. The house was quiet since your mom already left for work and you dad worked a night shift job and was probably sleeping at the moment. It was strangely serene as you prepared yourself a bowl of cereal though the calm was rudely interrupted by the sound of your ringtone coming from your room.

Deciding to get it after eating breakfast, you poured the cereal in first, thinking about the way Sungchan had told you before that he liked to pour the milk first and let the cereal soak up the milk. “It makes it super soggy and I like it.” He tried reasoning with you, to which you only raised an eyebrow at.

Just as you put the milk carton back into the refrigerator and was about to take a bit of your cereal, your phone started going off again. You placed your bowl onto the kitchen table and made your way back up to your bedroom to see what it was that was so important this early in the morning. Checking the notifications, it was Yeji who had been calling you so you shot her a message.

y/n > Yeji

9:39am: What’s up?

Yeji > y/n

9:40am: I just dreamt that it was Jaemin who was the killer

9:40am: please call me right now I feel like I’m going to go insane

You heeded her words and called her immediately. “So what happened in the dream?”

“I don’t know, I just remember being chased by a man with an axe and I was running to the school to try to see if I could get help but then I tripped and when I turned around, it was Jaemin.” Yeji blurted out without a single breath in between.

You paused, trying to take in all the information she just threw at you. “Do you have any reason as to why you think you dreamt this?”

“The way he was talking last night,” she stopped to catch her breath, “he spoke so in detail that I couldn’t help but overthink like, what if he is actually the killer? What if we’re next?”

“Well, you can vote for him in the poll if you want but personally, I don’t think it’s him.” You think of your next words carefully. “I’m not trying to invalidate your thoughts but Jaemin does come from a reputable family-”

“Y/n, it could be anyone. Family doesn’t matter. We have no information on the guy, we don’t know what economic class he’s in or anything.” Yeji interrupted.

You took a few seconds to gather your thoughts before speaking again. “That is true, but we all know Jaemin wants to be a surgeon right? He’s in all these difficult classes and he maintains such high grades-”

“Okay but how is that relevant?” Yeji interrupted yet again.

She was getting on your nerves but you held yourself back. “Listen, I’m just trying to say that with the amount of time and effort he puts into school, I don’t think he could be the killer. The killer plans his kills well enough that we just can’t find him and that probably takes just as much time as school does for us.”

Yeji took a while to respond though when she did, her words surprised you. “Now you’re starting to sound like the killer.”

“Yeji, I can promise you that it’s not me. I’m just as scared as you are in this whole situation,” you reasoned, “I’ll even vote for Jaemin if it makes you feel better.”

She let out a sigh across the line. “Okay fine. Maybe a kill will happen while we’re on the call and it’ll clear Jaemin’s name.”

“I think you’re letting it all get to you, just try not to think about it for a bit.” You advised.

“But am I really overreacting y/n? We live every day in fear of being the next victim. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us, so am I really overreacting?” You look over at the clock on your wall as she spoke, realizing that it’s already 9:55 and you should probably start the call already.

“No, I don’t think you’re overreacting, I’m just saying that constantly thinking about it to this extent isn’t good for you. We still have school to pay attention to,” you explain, “speaking of, I’m gonna start the call now.”

“I can’t just stop thinking about it that easily but whatever, let’s just hope that we’re not associating ourselves with a murderer by doing this.” You can only shake your head as you start the call.

Chenle joined immediately followed by Yeji. “Good morning ladies, President Zhong here. How are we doing on this fine day?”

You rolled your eyes even though a smile spread across your face. “I’m doing good, Mr. President. Ready to finish off these worksheets.”

“Good, good,” Chenle affirmed, sticking with his act, “and you, Miss Yeji?”

“Fine.” She shot out.

Chenle let out a quiet chuckle, “someone’s a little grumpy this morning. Maybe we should’ve met a bit later.”

“No, let’s just get this over with.” Yeji grumbled just as Jaemin joined.

“Great! Now that the head brain cell is here, let’s get this meeting started.” Chenle exclaimed.

Four hours into your meeting and eight out of ten worksheets later, your phone begins to ring with an incoming call from Sungchan. “Hold on guys, I gotta take this call. Hello?”

“I’m downstairs, come pick me up.” You couldn’t deny the butterflies that spread throughout your chest upon hearing your boyfriend’s voice. You got up to let him in though you certainly didn’t miss the teasing coming from your laptop as your classmates yelled about you and Sungchan.

As you made your way downstairs, you froze halfway down the stairs, seeing Sungchan already in the kitchen eating the bowl of cereal you forgot about. “I’m guessing you made this for yourself earlier and forgot to eat it.” He said through a mouthful of food.

“Babe, no, don’t eat that, it’s like five hours old. The milk is probably stale.” You exclaimed, worried about his health if it really did go bad.

Sungchan only shrugged as he took another spoonful into his mouth. “Tastes fine to me.”

You rolled your eyes before turning to head back upstairs. “Join me in my room once you’re ready, you cereal monster. Leave the dishes in the sink too.” As you returned to your room, you couldn’t help but wonder how Sungchan got in though you figure he’s probably seen you use the spare key under the doormat a couple times since you often were too lazy to get your own keys out of your bag most of the time.

When you sat down in front of your computer again, Jaemin had just finished explaining the answer to the problem you guys were working on earlier so you chimed in asking him to go over it again though he was quickly overrun by an excited Chenle. “Is Sungchan there?” He practically yelled.

“No, not yet, he’s eating some soggy cereal downstairs.” You inform him.

“Alright, let me know when he comes in.” Chenle says, unphased by your boyfriends’ odd preference of cereal.

Halfway through Jaemin’s explanation, Sungchan came into your room, placing his bag down at the foot of the bed before he took his jacket off and stripped out of his work uniform. “I heard a door open, is that Sungchan?” Chenle shouted over Jaemin once more.

“I never get to fucking speak in this group.” Jaemin huffed, at which Chenle muttered a quick ‘sorry’ back.

“Yes, Chenle, Sungchan is here,” you announce, looking over at the boy in question who had just finished pulling a shirt over his head and winked when he saw you staring at his body, “he seems very flirty today, must be because of you, Mr. Zhong.”

Sungchan sits down next to you and places a kiss on your cheek, smelling oddly of cleaning supplies, but you pay no mind to that, figuring he must have used them at work. “How’s it going Chenle?” He asks, though his attention is only on you and he places his hands on your cheeks and leaves a quick kiss on your lips.

“I’m gonna pretend I didn’t just hear the two of you kissing,” Chenle remarks, earning a laugh from Sungchan, “but anyways, you should come back to the basketball team. We miss our giant point guard, you know.”

“Nah, I’m too busy these days. I already have work and school plus I still want to spend time with y/n.” He commented as he shifted to lie on his stomach next to you.

“Man, who knew a girl would be all it took to make this dude throw his love for basketball out the window.” Chenle taunted.

“Love makes you do things, you know how it is.” Sungchan replied, resting his head on your thigh.

Running a hand through his hair, “anyways,” you divert, “back to what Jaemin was saying about meiosis.”

“Thank you, y/n, I thought I’d never be able to speak again.” Jaemin uttered pointedly. “As I was saying, the main difference between meiosis and mitosis is that it creates four daughter cells instead of two like mitosis does.”

“Hey guys, wait, did you see the article that just came out?” Yeji inquired. “It’s another death.”

There was a moment of silence before anyone said anything. “No but you can read it to us.” Chenle concluded.

“Okay,” you could hear the deep breath Yeji took before reading the article, “it says here that the body was found at around 1:20pm in an alley between the lower-income housing apartments, the cause of death is assumed to be by Hickleback Jack using his axe, and the estimated time of death is anywhere from 12 to 1pm.”

“Wow,” Jaemin began, “so he just killed out in broad daylight.”

“Not gonna lie Jaemin, but I thought you were the killer.” Yeji let out blatantly.

You were mildly shocked at her bluntness, but not surprised given how stressed everyone was. “Me?” Jaemin gasped, “Yeji, you know I’m pretty much Rapunzel with how much time I spend in my room studying. And when I’m not studying, I’m either editing pictures or playing video games.”

“It’s true,” Chenle confirms, “he really doesn’t leave his room. We had a sleepover once and I felt like I was becoming a hermit like him.” Sungchan slightly wheezed at that, sending Chenle over the moon. “Did you hear that? Did you guys hear that? Sungchan thinks I’m funny!”

“Yeah yeah, enough about me being a hermit. But Yeji,” Jaemin addressed, “why did you think it was me?”

Yeji hesitated before responding. “I just- the way you were talking the other night...I don’t know. It just sounded so specific and detailed that I couldn’t help but think that it could have been you.”

“I don’t think a murderer would simply reveal his plans like that, you know.” Sungchan proposed.

“Well yeah, but it’s just the way he spoke, it was like he had things organized...you know what? Let’s forget I said that, but I know the four of us are clear.” Yeji resigned.

Sungchan sat up, “wait, why am I not cleared?”

“Y/n, what time did he call you?”

“Like 2-ish.”

“Exactly. Sungchan, you don’t have an alibi, as far as we know, until 2 and the time of death is stated to be 12 to 1pm.”

“I was at work earlier in the day, though.”

“Can you prove it to us?” Yeji pressed on.

“Yeah, my coworkers can vouch for me.”

You were quite surprised at how aggressive Yeji was being towards your boyfriend but you didn’t see any reason to stop her since she had very valid arguments. “Send a screenshot of it to Chenle and we’ll verify you from there.” Yeji commanded.

Sungchan slouched down a little next to you. “I don’t have the numbers of my coworkers though.”

“Alright, then you’re still on the list of suspects.”

After finishing all the worksheets for microbio and ending the call around 3:30, Sungchan pulled out his laptop and started typing away at a half-finished lab report for his human A&P class. You fell asleep curled into his body, his warmth and the constant tapping of his keyboard lulling you to sleep.

When you woke again, you immediately noticed the absence of a large boy next to you and frowned to yourself. As you came to, you heard noise coming from the kitchen and identified your mother’s voice followed by Sungchan’s. Noticing the time on your phone, you guess that he was probably helping her prepare dinner since it was already past 6 and your family ate around 7 before your dad left for work.

By the time you made yourself presentable and came downstairs, your mom and Sungchan were already setting the table. “Looks like our sleepyhead finally woke up.” Your mother exclaimed, making you grimace. “You didn’t tell me Sungchan was staying over,” you were about to open your mouth to say that you didn’t know that either but you weren’t given the chance to do so, “it’s okay, especially with that killer still on the loose, it makes me feel better knowing there’s someone around to protect my baby.”

You looked at Sungchan as if asking him for answers though he seemed to only avoid your gaze, reluctantly taking the seat across from you at the dining table. Your father walked in, delighted to see your boyfriend. “Sungchan! Good to see you, how are things at school?” He asked as he joined you all at the table.

“Okay for the most part, I haven’t taken to my writing class all that much though I enjoy my other science classes.” Sungchan answers.

Your dad hums in approval while you stare down Sungchan, trying to get him to look at you. “Remind me again what you’re majoring in again?” Your mom asks, Sungchan whips his head around faster than you can make eye contact with him.

“I’m majoring in forensics.” He states.

“Interesting, interesting,” your father contemplates, “you know, y/n here wants to become a pediatrician. The two of you are practically opposites in the science field, one dealing with crime and the other dealing with children.”

Sungchan let out a laugh, “I guess opposites really do attract then.”

You hated how well he entertained your parents and you hated how much they liked him. For the rest of dinner you tried to pin him down through your stares and even played a game of footsie with him but nothing seemed to work. It was only once the two of you were back in your room getting ready for bed that you were able to talk to him.

“Look, I’m not mad at you or anything, I’d just appreciate it if you talked to me first before just telling my parents that you’re staying over.” You told him as you went through your skincare routine.

Sungchan jumped onto your bed as he apologized. “Sorry, I just thought that since both of us finished our homework and with the killing today, it would just make sense for me to stay over.” He opened his arms, inviting you in as you stood up after finishing your night routine.

You copied him, jumping into your bed straight onto Sungchan, effectively pushing the air out of his body. He grunted as your weight fell onto him though he still wrapped his arms around your waist and shifted you up the length of your body so your face was level with his. “Hi” you giggle, shy from the sudden close proximity.

“Hey.” He says back with a smile as you slide off him, leaving an arm and leg slung over his body. “Tired?”

“No, not really, I took a nap earlier since someone didn’t care to wake me up.”

“You looked too cute, besides, you need all the rest you can get.” Sungchan explained, using his free hand to squish your cheeks. “If you’re really not tired then I know a way to make you tired.” His hand found its way down to your butt to further emphasize his point.

“Ew, no, not now.” You quickly refused, moving his hand up to your waist. “Just go to sleep and I’ll probably fall asleep after you anyways.”

“Oh wait,” Sungchan said, reaching over you to the nightstand for his phone, “did you vote on the poll yet?”

“No, I almost forgot.” You groaned, lazily reaching for your phone as well.

You pull up the local community board and enter your information, looking at the list of all the citizens, pondering on who you’d give your vote to. “Who are you voting for?” Sungchan asks, looking over at your screen.

“I really don’t know.” You tell him, though truthfully, you had someone in mind.

Thanks to the nap you had, you really couldn’t fall asleep no matter how hard you tried. You ended up dozing off occasionally but you’d wake up half an hour later only more irritated than when you first fell asleep.

You don’t remember what time it was, but at some point, Sungchan had removed himself from your grasp, unaware that you were still awake, though you made no effort to stop him thinking that he was just going to use the restroom and come back. Five minutes passed, five minutes turned into ten, then twenty, and you decided to check on him once thirty minutes had passed.

The house was completely dark, not even the light from the bathroom was on. You checked inside in case Sungchan had maybe gotten hurt and passed out, but he was nowhere to be found. After searching almost all the rooms in your house, you had yet to find any sign of him. After a bit of thinking, you had wandered out to your mothers’ greenhouse thinking that maybe some time with the plants would help to calm your mind.

It did anything but that.

Not long after setting foot inside of the small shed, you heard screams coming from nearby, getting closer and closer. You watched from the inside of the tinted glass as three girls ran through your backyard and into the next property. You couldn’t help it that you were frozen to your core, knowing who was coming.

You saw his frame as he jumped over the fence from the other end of your yard, axe in hand, running through the open grass and you thought he might have noticed you until he stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes glued on you. You should’ve ducked down as soon as the girls ran past but it was too late now and there was no second way out of the greenhouse.

You knew you should have tried to run, maybe smash through the glass panelling but something in you told you that maybe, just maybe, you’d be able to stop him. Steeling your nerves as he crosses the threshold of the greenhouse, you call out to him. “I know who you are.”

“I’m well aware of that.”

It was as if your world was crumbling before you, the once so comfortable relationship you knew felt fake, even though Sungchan, your loving boyfriend stood right there. The only difference was that you knew who he really was.

“Why?” You start, “why did you kill all those innocent people?”

“It’s all for fun, y/n.”

“What do you mean ‘for fun’? Those are real people you know, people with families and friends who miss them dearly.” You nearly cry out as he continues to approach you.

“You see, life is a game.” He paused his words as he came to stand in front of you. “Laws are nothing but a social construct that us humans follow mindlessly until our own demise.”

He takes a step closer to you, but you stand your ground. “Laws are what keep us safe and keep us happy. They allow us to lead our lives peacefully with others-”

“They are nothing but limits.” He closes the distance between the two of you, an arm wrapping around your waist, pulling you towards him, and you allow him to do so. “My dear, sweet, y/n. If only you weren’t so smart, I wouldn’t be faced with this dilemma.”

“You wouldn’t kill me.” You were trying to persuade him just as much as you were to yourself. “You’d never.”

“Oh? And what makes you think that?”

“You love me.”

“I do, I love you so dearly, but now that you know who’s behind all the killings, there’s no way that I can let you go.” You felt his axe nudge the back of your leg as he brought both arms around you. To an outsider, it would look as if a couple were having a conversation, but for you, this was a fight for your life.

“Take off the mask.”

“Why should I?”

“So I can talk to you properly.”

He took off the mask without much more convincing, his normally handsome face now distorted by the crazed look in his eyes. People often say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and if they really were, then Sungchan didn’t have a soul.

“I swear to you that I won’t ever tell anyone about this, about you.”

“I don’t believe that you’ll keep that promise, my dear.”

“You know how much I love you. As long as we can stay together, I will not say anything.”

“This is not a tale of beauty and the beast. I am no beast to be tamed and there is no happy ending to this story.”

“Sungchan, no. You don’t mean that.”

“Do I really not mean it, or is that what you would like to believe? Something tells me it’s the latter.” He held you tight against him with one arm, the other raising his axe. “It’s truly a shame that your beauty must go to waste, you were truly a wonderful person both inside and out but I’m afraid that your life must end here.”

Before he could prep his swing, you pulled away and grabbed the nearest pot, launching it at him, the ceramic breaking against his head making dirt rain down upon both of you.

Not even a second passed before his axe was flying at you, lodging itself into your neck, nearly severing your head from your shoulder. You should’ve been thankful really, thankful that Sungchan had given you a quick death, not his usual route since it was so painless and easy for both the victim and the assailant.

He liked a struggle, but for you he made an exception out of love so that the last thing you’d see was him, your lover, before everything stopped.

#NCT-writers #neowritingsnet #neowriters #neohalloween #kwritersworldnet #unfortunatus: inferno #nct #NCT 2020 #sungchan #NCT imagines #NCT scenarios #NCT fanfic #NCT horror #NCT thriller #NCT angst #NCT fluff #jung sungchan #NCT sungchan #NCT jung sungchan #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #kpop fanfic #kpop fluff #kpop horror #kpop angst #Sungchan imagines #Sungchan scenarios #Sungchan fanfic #Sungchan fluff #Sungchan angst

[heresathreebee]

Brackish and Briny Waters (five)

[Ralph Lamont x Female Reader]

Summary: Ralph apologizes and you've got baby brains, but sometimes life does nothing but kick you down. Previous Masterlist Next

Tag(s): 16+ | 1.7k words | more angst, baby fever, alcoholism, ghostly vibes

AN: GODDAMN Part 5 took me a lifetime to finish. As always no beta readers just poorly side eyeing this by myself and hoping it makes sense

THE NEXT MORNING

You barely stir when you hear the door open. You've all but forgotten last night, and yet you flinch when Ralphie tries to cuddle with you. He sighs somewhere near your ear and hugs you from behind anyways, lips brushing the nape of your neck and breath fanning over your back as he simply lies there, quiet as the grave. 

There's no bruise but you can still feel his hand gripping your arm from last night. "You're being a huge dick…" 

"... I know." 

That is not good enough. You roll over to face him and watch his face twist when he notices the tract marks of dry tears on your face. He swallows and almost unconsciously takes your hand, smoothing his thumb over the back of your palm in a way that was meant to comfort him rather than you. 

"I'm sorry." He opens his mouth again but he flounders for words. After a deep breath he continues. "We can't call Reagan. Because he won't do anything for us…" 

You wait impatiently for him to explain. 

"Sweetheart, if we called Reagan last night, he would have fucking laughed at us. It is step one down that slippery slope to the couple who cried wolf." He put a hand on your shoulder and looked you in the eye, "do you really think he would have done something?" 

You think about it. If Ralph hadn't stopped you from calling him, what would you have said to Reagan? 

I smelled exhaust fumes. Not an emergency, he would say. 

I think he found us. What do you want me to do about it, too late now, he would ask.  

We're in danger. I'll send a squad upstate, they should be there in 4 hours, he would joke. 

"It was real," you insist. "I smelled fumes." 

"I know. I believe you." 

You squint at him threateningly and he doesn't give an inch. He doesn't seem like he's mocking you. 

Ralph could be an asshole, but Reagan was infinitely worse. At least one of them gave a shit about your safety. The realization Ralph was right scared you more than anything. You were alone in this… 

Well, alone together. 

You sigh and bury your face in his neck. Your hair is tangled as shit and probably tickling his face, but your husband simply wraps you up in a tight embrace and holds you against him. It's all the apology you need. 

END OF THE FIRST MONTH

Adjusting to your new life hit you like a sack of bricks early on a Monday morning. You woke up from a dream where you still lived in your tiny little apartment two minutes walk from everything. In a reality which felt more like a fever dream, Ralph was late for work, donning a tie and tweed jacket and kissing you goodbye for the day. 

You never realized how much space there was in the new master bedroom. In the apartment, a queen sized bed nearly touched the walls and barely left room to creep around two night stands and a dresser, but in the new house you had room to lay on the floor and stretch, maybe put another piece of furniture in here like a bookshelf or something. 

And the whole damn house was like that. You had an entire second floor to claim as your own! There is almost too much space… too much space for just the two of you. 

God there's that thought again drifting into your mind unbidden, unfurling like a fern at the first droplet of sunshine. How many people does it take to turn a house into a home? Three should be plenty, your mind offers. 

You busy yourself with measurements, regrouting the loose tiles in the kitchen floor, and scrubbing the blackened hell out of that downstairs bathroom. It seems to come to life beneath your hands and you can feel yourself getting excited to show guests the improvement. 

The thoughts of turning your little twosome family into three persist over and over until you can't stand it any longer. Maybe it's finally time… 

Ralph's late getting home by 5 minutes instead of 5 hours but he still looks tired. No mud tracks on his pants or hard set eyes. He's halfway up the stairs before you realize he's probably going to bed early. 

"Hey!" 

Ralph stops like it pains him. His head sags and his hold on the railing is tight like he'll fall if he lets go. The way he's wobbling he might. He is barely able to meet your eyes as he glances over his shoulder and when he does he simply grunts. 

"I made dinner," you squeeze your hands together behind your back, "angel hair pasta and that sauce you love." 

Ralph's eyes flicker in thought. "Be down in a second." 

You wait nervously to see if he does come down. What if this is a bad idea? What if he doesn't take you seriously? Oh god what if he hates it, what if he calls you an idiot for even considering it? 

Ralph does come back downstairs, hair wild from running his fingers through it. He seems to gain a small amount of energy while eating, not wanting to talk himself but asking how your day has been going. 

You're definitely rambling right now. Ralph listens and listens, chuckling along but at some point he grows concerned and envelopes your hand with a worried expression on his face. "Jesus, I've never heard so many words come out of your mouth at once, it's like you're writing a dissertation over there. Are you OK, baby?" 

You snap your mouth shut. God, you hadn't even come close to talk about kids for all your rambling. And then there was that weird smell… 

Your blood runs cold as you recognize it. You lean a little closer to Ralph and he almost instinctively flinches away. If there's one thing you are sure of, one thing you could swear on god– Ralph Lamont has never flinched away from a kiss before. So he has something to hide. And that something has a sharp scent and explains his slow reactions and tired eyes better than anything else could. 

"Have you… have you been drinking?" 

It's the way he can't meet your eyes when you ask him. You know. It's beyond out of character, so much so that it's confusing and a little frightening for you. 

A little drink here and there is, to you, to be expected especially considering the wealth of your new company. So why hide it? Is there something else he's not telling you?

You suddenly feel sick and too hot, ripping your hand away from his and getting up to leave the table. 

He knows you get in your head sometimes and practically yells your name to stop you. "I'm… I don't know why I…" 

Ralph sighs and buries his face into his hands, ashamed. All this suspense is twisting knots in your stomach. You sit back down gingerly, taking deep breaths to calm yourself down. 

"Ralph," you warn, "you had better start explaining yourself right now before I lose it." 

Ralph stares a hole into the table and worries his lip. The truth is he doesn't know what to say because he doesn't know why he did it. The students are easy, you are easy. Even in the toughest of times, at his lowest, he didn't drink so… what the fuck was coming over him?, he asked himself. 

Something clicked. It rolled like fire in his belly given dry wood, smoking curling to the top of his throat and out of his ears. "They hate me." 

"Who? Who hates you?" 

"Everyone." 

You looked him in the eye for the first time tonight and saw something dark looking in there. It makes you uneasy. "What makes you think they hate you, baby?" 

Ralph's grip on his fork tightens until his knuckles are white before he gingerly sets the dishware down and deflates. He clicks his tongue and shakes his head with a sardonic grin. 

"You wouldn't understand… and how could you? You never leave the house." He looks at you and there's a growing instability rising in his movements. "You… you don't see it. It started out as little nothings that I could ignore because it didn't matter that they didn't like me: I was new.  

"Then it became lots of these little nothings. Staring and whispering and hushed silences. Tip toeing language and poking and prodding and testing me and my limits and it just… it just… it never got better…" 

Rumors. It dawned on you that his frustration seemed intimately familiar to you as you had had to change schools once or twice due to a few terrible rumors that snowballed and got way out of hand. And you can imagine the sort of rumors that accompany a man with little interest in making friends who has a wife nobody knows anything about. 

If you wanted to stay here long, you would need to change a few minds. You set aside your fear for a moment and make him look at you. You can see the unshed tears in his eyes and feel pity for him. 

"I want to do that dinner party," you announce. "With all that's gone on, you probably didn't have the grand introduction you deserve. Let me show them how much you mean to me." 

Ralph's shaking his head but he already knows you'll win this fight. For him it feels like begging for something he doesn't even want. He agrees because he already promised you could when you were ready and you needed to find new friends asap. 

His sleep that night is fitful and the room's shadows seem to reach out like claws seeking his immortal soul. When the haze of whiskey finally dies down in his system he sleeps dreamless and wakes to feel somehow more hollow with despair than before. 

Ralph Lamont has the distinct feeling things are going to get a hell of a lot worse before anything gets better…

@werwulfy @fundamentally-lazy @escape-your-grape @mimiscappinisideblog @go-commander-kim

#three bees writing #🐝🐝🐝✒ #ralph lamont x reader #alex brightman #ralph lamont #black reader insert #1980s au #haunted house au

[dangan-happy]

[Password: Don't hurt Gonta's bug friends, you fiend!]

To Izuru, Mukuro, and Monodam.

I've been in this really weird funk lately? Like, how I'd describe it is that I'm tired, but in a way where I'm bored for some reason, and therefore, don't feel like doing anything other than laying around in bed/sleeping. But on the other hand, there's enjoyable stuff I want to/can do (i.e. play video games) and work-related stuff that needs to/should get done (i.e. writing and editing). I just hate it because it causes me to procrastinate a bit, as well as self-loathe way more than what I already do on a daily basis. It makes me feel more useless and unskilled, y'know?

Can I get some advice and/or support? And maybe some hugs and kisses on the cheek, please? Thank you so much!

We all have those moments in life where our momentum hits an absolute zero. Where we feel the need to do absolutely nothing. No goals, no motivation, no energy. 

Perhaps you’ve heard this many times before; Procrastination is one of the biggest diseases in humanity today, we put our tasks and activities on hold for an undisclosed period. Only for it to pile up. But I sense you are the kind to get your work done when it is assigned, so allow your work ethic to take over, while not burdening yourself and exhausting.

I’ve not forgotten. Hugs and a kiss for you. Continue to strive towards the ends of your goals.

-

I understand that feeling all too well, a close…friend has been the same way. He’s been sluggish and not wanting to get out of bed, especially when it comes to wanting to sleep the day away. Ah yes, and the video games. You sound a lot like him…even though I know it’s not him, but that’s beside the point. I have an idea of what you’re feeling.

When you’re feeling lazy, for a bit it’s okay, but then you start feeling like you won’t get things done and it starts piling up with stress. I have never truly felt that myself but I can do my best for advice. I would suggest taking it slow, one thing at a time if you will, perhaps when you get one thing done, you can focus on the next. And it’s okay to take breaks, no shame in needing one from time to time. It can help ease the strain of procrastination, even if it’s for a short amount of time.

You can have a hug and um – kisses on the cheek too, right? Yeah, you can have that too.

-

Greetings-Anon. I-Will-Try-To-Do-My-Best-To-Assist-You. Yes, I-Am-Familliar-With-Boredom. I-Am-Sorry-You-Are-Feeling-That-Way. Sometimes-These-Periods-Come-And-Go-On-Their-Own, But-Just-In-Case-I-Recommend-Poentially-Speaking-To-A-Mental-Health-Professional-If-Things-Get-Worse-Or-Do-Not-Improve.

You-Are-Not-Useless-Or-Unskilled. Everyone-Goes-Through-This-At-One-Point-Or-Another. Your-Worth-Is-Not-Based-Off-Of-Your-Abilities. I-Am-Truly-Sorry-To-Hear-That-You-Are-Experiencing-Self-Loathing. I-Know-You-Might-Not-Believe-Me, But-You-Are-A-Truly-Amazing-Person-No-Matter-What-You-Are-Going-Through. I-Believe-My-Best-Suggestion-For-You-Would-Be-To-Potentially-Change-Things-Up-A-Little. Maybe-Try-A-New-Activity-To-Break-Yourself-Out-Of-This-State.

I-Am-Happy-To-Give-You-As-Many-Hugs-As-You-Want. I-Believe-This-Is-The-First-Time-I-Have-Been-Asked-For-Cheek-Kisses. I-Will-Try-My-Best-For-You. I-Wish-You-Nothing-But-The-Best. So-Long, Bear-Well.

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #Mod Mura #izuru kamukura #mukuro ikusaba #mod karma #monodam #mod monodam

[douchebagbrainwaves]

I'VE BEEN PONDERING SCHOOL

If a physicist met a colleague from 100 years ago, he could teach him some new things; if a psychologist met a colleague from 100 years ago, are now more than fast enough for servers. One of the tricks to surviving a grueling process is not to lie flat, but to most startups it means several months' living expenses. Then you can measure what credentials merely predict. To the extent you reduce economic inequality, you decrease the intelligence of the audience, being a good bullshitter. Why stop now? Sometimes it's 100%. There was a sort of intellectual exercise, to keep thinking of improvements. One trick is to ignore presentation. I'm not sure why, but it also has a lot of people, I like to work. And while founders may not have needed VC money the way they talk about them is useless.

Probably the most important quality in a CEO is his vision for the company's future.1 Before he died of drink in 1925, Commodore Vanderbilt's wastrel grandson Reggie ran down pedestrians on five separate occasions, killing two of them. Few legal documents are created from scratch. But here again there's a tradeoff between smoothness and ideas. The startups we've funded so far are pretty quick, but they love plans and procedures and protocols. Actually this tradition is not much of rallying cry. When I was a kid there were people who used to sell newsletters containing stock tips, printed on colored paper that made them hard for the copiers of the day, your cofounders will just assume you were tired. What really convinced me of this was the Kikos. This seems to be working on; there's usually a reason. That's not enough to make things go your way except in a few places to let pipes in. Till now, nearly all seed firms have been so-called incubators, so Y Combinator gets called one too, though the list of acquirers is a lot like being a founder, he can pay himself nothing.

As with the question of cofounders, the real lesson here is to start startups who shouldn't, I make my own life worse. I finally got being a good speaker. But as technology has grown more important, the power of large organizations peaked in the late 1970s and early 1980s. If he wants to be on this list, he's going to be negative. Mistake number four. So while nearly all VC funds have some address you can send your business plan randomly to VCs, because they feel they have the upper hand���over an uncertainty about whether the founders had correctly filed their 83 b forms, if you love life, don't waste time, because time is what life is made of. What we studied in English classes; I didn't use expert systems myself. In an artificial world, only extremists live naturally.2 Perhaps they need to spend a lot of other people have the same problem.3 The best way to explain how it all works is to follow the case of a hypothetical very fortunate startup as it shifts gears through successive rounds. A herd of impalas might have 100 adults; baboons maybe 20; lions rarely 10. The finance guys seemed scrupulous about reporting earnings.4

So after this the option pool be enlarged by an additional hundred shares. Sorry about that. One thing you learn when you get rich is that there are today. How do you push down on the top as well as pushing up on the fly.5 When startups came back into fashion, around 2005, investors were starting to write checks again, they may not realize it consciously. By the end of the spectrum, we'd be the first to go. Consciously or not, investors do it if you let them. Credentials are a step beyond bribery and influence. Companies know groups that large wouldn't work, so they rewrote their software not to. That's a way more efficient cure for inexperience than a normal job in the same way a low-restriction exhaust system makes an engine more powerful. It has ulterior motives. Reddit and Infogami, and a good speaker.

This leads us to the last and probably most powerful reason people get regular jobs: it's the default thing to do. One great thing about having small children is that they all closed.6 What makes him unique is his sense of design. But since their size made them perfect for use in high school it wouldn't have seemed too far off as a description of HN. A bit later I realized why. Unless they want to believe you're a hot prospect, because it would cause the founders' attitudes toward risk tend to be random: the angel asks his lawyer to represent both sides. In the real world. In fact, it's not a problem if you get a real job after you graduate. There is not a bad way to think about the value of Nasdaq companies in two years?7

Partly the reason deals seem to fall through so often is that you lie to yourself. Internet startups don't need VC-scale money. On a whim I studied Arabic as a freshman. What do you read when you don't feel up to being virtuous? Some of the smartest people around you are professors. Sure, you'll probably grow, your price will go up, and they'll be your horse. That sounds cleverly skeptical, but I don't think they'd do much differently if they were a single person—the workers and manager would each share only one person's worth of freedom between them. We have no idea.

What makes the nerds rich, usually, is stock options. The finance guys seemed scrupulous about reporting earnings. The programmers I admire most are not, on the whole, grad school is close to paradise. You can only do that if you eliminate economic inequality. Halfway through grad school I was still wasting time imitating the wrong things. If an organization could immediately and cheaply measure the performance of recruits, they wouldn't need to examine their own feelings. 6 cents a page.

Notes

We have no decision-making causes things to be is represented by Milton. Doing a rolling close is to start a startup to be started in New York, and are paid a flat rate regardless of what investment means; like any investor, than a huge loophole.

Or rather indignant; that's the situation you find yourself in when the country would buy one.

I'm guessing the next time you raise money succeeded, and it will become as big. Change in the sense that if VCs are suits at heart, the better. The first big company CEOs in the next Apple, maybe the corp dev is to how Henry Ford got started as a definition of politics: what ideas did European culture with Chinese: what ideas did European culture with Chinese: what determines rank in the early empire the price, any more than the long tail for sports may be to go deeper into the shape that matters, just as you can control.

Japanese. I've learned about VC inattentiveness.

But which of them had been Boylston Professor of Rhetoric at Harvard Business School at the valuation turns out to be obscure; they may try allowing up to them rather than insufficient effort to extract money from good investors that they don't, you're not allowed to ask, if you were doing more than most people will give you money for other reasons, the world in verse. 7% of American kids attend private, non-broken form, that must mean you should probably question anything you believed as a monitor. Different people win at that game.

This would penalize short comments especially, because the ordering system, the startup is compress a lifetime's worth of work the upper middle class values; it is. You could also degenerate from uppercase to any-case, not because Delicious users are collectors, and when you use the standard career paths of trustafarians to start using whatever you make something hackers use.

While Jessica didn't ask many questions, they won't tell you all the combinations of Web plus a three hour meeting with a real idea that evolves into Facebook is a particularly alarming example, the top schools are the numbers we have. Bad math is merely unglamorous, not an efficient market in this new world.

Thanks to Daniel Giffin, Paul Buchheit, and Robert Morris essay for sharing their expertise on this topic.

#automatically generated text #Markov chains #Paul Graham #Python #Patrick Mooney #vision #definition #b #Rhetoric #shares #Daniel #hour #cofounders #grandson #option #lesson #finance #company #Boylston #culture #nothing #design #startup #technology #question #values #people #professors

[the-wretched-and-joyful]

Long post alert, a rant if you will.

You see, when i first started writing, i started on a whim. There was this guy i really liked (Harrison Osterfield) and there were simply not enough fics about him, back in the day (somewhere around late 2017) so i took matters into my own hands and started writing fics about him. And it's been a hell of a ride.

Writing fics has helped me to discover a lot about myself. What i like, what I don't like, what i definitely hate, and not just in a literary way, but on a deeper and more personal level it has helped me to discover myself. And not just personal discovery! It has helped me to discover some one the other amazing writers here too! And in my 3 or so years of fic writing I've written stories that would probably be in my head had i not received such amazing support and encouragements from fellow writers, readers, those who engage with our writing, send in requests, want to discuss our writings, and many others.

Now as for my professional life, I'm a writer there too. I started as a small blogger for this small art school, and now I'm working as a tech content writer. That's incredibly fun too. I get to explore ideas that i probably wouldn't have on my own. In a way writing has been a part of self exploration for me.

But writing takes it's tole on me too. There are days my brain is too exhausted that language doesn't come to me. I can't write a single sentence because I don't understand words. Sometimes, my hands shake because I've been typing whole day, and then i sit down to write again because i have this amazing idea i want to jot down quickly. But I'll never give up on writing, ever, because it's the only way for me to speak out loud to the universe.

But why am i writing all this at 12:50 am?

Because despite everything else, some times it doesn't feel like artists (writers, painters, singers) who are providing art for free, get the respect they deserve. And I'm not saying love, because, love comes from a deeper place. But every artist here deserves respect. Whether you are sketching something (@the-carrion-carries-on) editing photos and writing at the same time (@fanficparker) creating amazing quirky and sweet stories (@sweetmusicplaying, @hozierpicfic), you deserve respect for your craft. And this post is to remind everyone who consumes those pieces of art here, that a little bit of respect towards the artists of the art you are reading or looking at on this hell site, will go along way to encourage them to create more art. A little bit of respect will make us forget about those shaky hands, the writer's blocks, and the inability to think about something to draw.

So i, humbly, and somewhat dejectedly, request the people on tumblr, to not only show love and support, but also respect to the writers and creators here! Leave a comment, send a short ask telling them about how you liked their work, anything! Trust me, a small gesture will go a long way!

#Anya Talks #long post alert #sorry not sorry #recently been feeling like this! #just had to get it out! #ignore if you don't want to read!

[silvereddaye]

This may seem strange to ask, but as a writer, what do you do when you face a writer's block on your story? How do you find the time to write? I've always loved to write, and I was inspired by other fanfic authors (one being you) to begin writing my own fanfic. But life has been a rollercoaster and when I finally think I have time to write, I am always so exhausted or have zero ideas.

(Continuation) And while I have written one chapter down and published, I’m stumped on what to do next despite having an outline for the plot. And I feel bad that I haven’t updated in months when others can easily have multiple chapters done in just a few weeks. I am determined to continue writing and I’ve taken time to improve too from the first chapter that I have done. Is there any writing advice you can give me at all, please? If you can, of course.

Wow. Lots to break down here. 

1. When do I find time to write? I don’t always find time to write. That’s been a problem of mine lately with working two jobs. I work a job in the morning, have a few hours off, and then work a job in the evening. Then I come home and usually head to bed. (Though I often waste time on my phone before going to sleep.) Those hours between my jobs are usually filled with chores or napping. Very rarely will I write during this time. Most of my writing is done on the weekend, which is also filled with chores, being social, and relaxing. So yes, finding time to write can be an issue. It has to be an active choice of mine. Would I rather read or write? Would I rather watch TV/movies or write? I have to decide if I’d rather write over other free-time activities. 

A big thing is that I enjoy writing. I enjoy what I write. It’s something I want to do in my free time. That helps when you’re exhausted and should go to bed early. 

2. You have to love (or at least like) what you’re writing.  Continuing off what I said last time. You have to like what you’re writing. I have always been an imaginative person. As a child, I created imaginary worlds with continuing storylines that then led me to write in colorful little journals starting in middle school. I wrote all through high school, but then college came and I stopped. I had this … this fear of writing. I still had all these stories in my head, but the moment I started to put words down- I hated it. It filled me with dread. I would try to push through it. But it was so hard, and eventually, I gave up. And I was this way for YEARS. 

What changed? Fanfic. I had never gotten into fanfic until much later in my life. I started reading it, and then I decided I could write it too. So I completely understand being inspired by other writers. And all of a sudden I was writing again. I was ENJOYING writing again. 

I am a big supporter of ‘write what you want.’ So what if you have 20 WIPs. Because you have to like what you write. Especially when you’re first starting out. Now that I’ve been doing it a while, I’ve been pushing myself to not give up on my stories and start new ones. It’s hard. Trust me. But ask yourself if you love writing it. You may love the story- think it’s amazing- but find it hard to write. It feels you with dread. You have bad thoughts about it. Try and find something you do like. So what if it’s new. So what if you haven’t updated that story in months. Its fanfic. Sure people are disappointed. But you do this fun. And that is important. 

Writing should be fun.  

And if it isn’t, really think of why you’re doing it. You really want to share a great story? Sometimes we just have to hold on to them for when we are ready to write and enjoy them.

3. Don’t compare or worry and dwell about others. Which is really hard and even I do it from time to time. But the keyword in there is dwell. You can’t dwell on what others are doing. There is always going to be someone better. I am sure almost every fic writer thinks there is someone better than them. At least in some aspects. There are writers who write faster, do dialogue better, angst better, romance better, are able to get that characterization so on point, have a million good ideas, have just one really good idea, are able to do short stories, are able to do long stories, have a wide range, and so on. You can’t dwell on it. Because if you do- then writing stops being fun. You get filled with negative thoughts of “well this writer is able to write so much more than me. I know I can do this as well. WHY CAN’T I WRITE AS MUCH AS THEM?” See how those thoughts can spiral? And make you feel bad? 

4. It’s great you’re determined and want to continue. That is a fantastic start. But also, don’t be afraid to step away from that idea. My first fanfic, The Mantra, I had to step away from. I have officially discontinued it. I have other works I haven’t touched/updated in months and months. It’s ok to take a pause. It’s ok to work on other ideas. The biggest thing I can say is …

Write. 

And enjoy it. 

If you aren’t enjoying. Find something you do like. Because the more you write- the more confidence you’ll get. The better you’ll get. And you can come back to those ideas you struggled with before and suddenly find you’re able to conquer them. You’re only going to get better and more confident by writing, and you’ve got to enjoy what you’re writing to write a lot of it. It can be hard to step away from a story that you love and put your heart into. I would love to come back to The Mantra one day and completely rework it. But I had to move on. 

5. What about writer’s block? Man, ain’t that a bitch. I suffered years of it. I’m currently suffering it right now with several of my fics.  It varies from story to story for me. Some of the stories that I haven’t updated are because I’m too busy. Others are because I’m unsure because I never thought of the plot that far. Ones I do have planned out, I’m stuck with moving them to the next plot point. And one story I’m feeling unconfident about. I got a rather nasty comment on it and has me really rethinking the story. (Not all of it mind you.) And I am struggling with overcoming it. So man, I wish I had a cure-all on how to get over it. I still write. I write little ficlets on here. I’m working on a few other stuff. And they are things I like to write about. Do I feel bad about not updating? Yes. Oh yes. But I can’t dwell. I can’t force myself to write if I’m hating it. I write what I want to. What I enjoy writing. 

I don’t know if this was helpful or not. But you’re not alone. So many writers face this same problem. I have. I currently do. And the best thing I feel like I can do is to keep writing. 

#ask silver #advice #kaitodetective1412

[thots-and-ideas]

Tom I don't believe in grammar  but I just want you to know that I've loved you for as long as I've known you and wrote so many poems about you and when I hear songs they make me think of you. I hope you see this.

Last week when you picked up Solis you kinda slapped my arm in the way you do when you make that “pshhhh” sound. Last year on Christmas you handed me something and I felt your hand on mine and I swear I could feel the warmth from you like you intentionally exchanged energies with me but you’ve disciplined yourself to keep from giving me anything. The time you touched me before that was when Chris died. I couldn't tell if you wanted to hug me but God it felt good and I didn't even mind that we didn't say anything. Before that it was you begging to kiss me. For the first time you begged for me, couldn't accept what I was saying. It was the first time I really thought that maybe you could spend forever kissing me. 

You could have spent forever kissing the person I should have been. The feeling of warmth comes to me in my dreams and sometimes I wake up and remind myself that you're gone. I have dreams of you knowing who I am. I have dreams that you're apart of this family I've built for myself and for Solis. When I had Solis I was in no way sophisticated enough to understand how deeply flawed and unprepared I was to be a mother. Deciding to have Solis was never about keeping you. I wanted a love that would never die, how selfish was I? I knew I had something special inside of me and I couldn't resist that feeling of being a creator of my own world. What was inside of me could never leave me because she is tethered to my flesh, my blood, and my labor. How wrong was I? You and I facilitated someone who does not belong to either of us. I couldn't stand the thought of her not needing my body for sustenance, I couldn't stand the fact that she wasn't mine, but she was ours, but she wasn't. Do you understand? I remember taking a nap after she was born. I woke up to you next to me holding Solis. It was joyous. I always had these little pockets of hope that we could do this together, whatever together meant. 

Theres these messages I remember. You told me you wanted to be friends, and my response was “we’re not friends.” What did that feel like for you? My body felt like a dumping ground and you were a dumping ground for my pain that caused me. You were my friend. I was always so intimidated by you, amazed by you, entranced by you. At 15 you stood out to me. Your cute hair and your teeth I liked the way you laughed but you didn't really say much, that was okay to me. You played with my hair. You had a pull and I think if you were to think back maybe you would tell me that you felt the same way. You told me the other day that I have amnesia, I thought it was funny because I pretty much remember every single moment with you. The thing is, I for so long thought my anger and my rage was righteous. I was confused, I didn't understand why you were ashamed of me or why you hid me why you wouldnt call me your girlfriend, why I was expected to behave like an adult. In between those feelings there I was, causing chaos, losing myself in bitterness and self loathing. It was all my fault so I would punish myself but when I was faced with consequences of my hurtful and unhinged behavior I would punish you. 

For years, up until very recent years, I couldn't see myself. My body was disposable, I wrote a poem about myself as recycled trash. You can't know your own pain until you look It in the eye. The last few months of dating Karlos I couldn't afford my rent anymore, and couldn’t afford my downpayment on greektown house. I had to turn myself off to survive. I started going to the women in my life and coming to terms with my abuse, getting help for my abuse, Im still working on it very hard and it'll probably stay with me forever. But this is the lesson. I'm responsible now for that pain. Will I let it make me small or will I accept the support of my community who did everything they could to help me, and help myself while being lifted by love, and grace. I have blamed you for my pain for a long time, but there has never been a time I haven't wanted to heal from that with you, and I think that is the problem. I didn't want to heal with Karlos, if I believed in police system , he would be in jail right now for what he did to me. But for me to heal from you is to heal from myself. 

I remember the cruel things I said to you, just like Ill never forget how your touch feels on my skin Ill never forget the way I weaponized things you trusted me with and attacked you. I’ll never forget the way I would try and try and try to make you so angry to get a reaction. I put words into your mouth and created my own realities. It must have been exhausting, more than that... the point was to make you hurt like I hurt. That was always the point. I wanted you to love me and my delusions told me you didn't any you never would. 

You told me I needed therapy and I agree with you. We all have broken bits. I look at you now and see that beautiful smile and that way about you that I see in myself and in Solis. I knew I would see her in you and there's been no greater gift than this life we have all been able to provide Solis. I had troubles, those I hope you can forgive me for and understand me for. I couldn't get out of bed and Solis was my only will to live. I hadn't been able to harness that pain yet. I hadn't practiced ownership and self accountability. The pain I've felt from you is mine to carry and I promise you, I only carry lessons, lessons I'm applying. For Solis, for my chosen family, and for myself. 

I wish I could send you the poems I used to write about you, and some more of the things I would write Sol when she was in me. I always saw you in the brightest of lights and nothing ever dimmed that, not even my own lies I told myself about you. Biggest lie is that you didn't love me. When you said you wouldnt let me hurt you anymore I didn't know if you still felt anything about me. Like I was just some human you see sometimes that existed before  but its just a ghost now. I don't want to be remembered as that Lexei from you. The more I told myself you didn't care about me the more I pushed you away. Instead of calming down and being rational I turned to creating problems . Is it too late Tom? Have the lights turned off for you? Do you know what I would do to just sit with you, like normal people, and talk about our good memories and the joy we felt together and what you taught me and who we are now. I miss you so much Tom. Look at everyone who's in my life, they've been there for as long as you have. They're family to us. We wanted you here during quarantine. We want you to be a part of this family. Sometimes I dream about being together with you but I know that's just a delusion of grandeur. We could be friends. We were friends. I think I’ll always love you and always I will extend my apologies to you and I know it can be healing to hear “I'm sorry” from someone who has hurt you. I know its recent but Im coming back to me. Im passionate about learning how to be a healer and mindfulness and it has always brought me back to you. You still pull me tom. You showed me so much gentleness, you formed me in so many ways that I can't explain. We manifested a product of ourselves and she is the most perfect, flawed, complex, kind, smart girl who emits golden light into this world. She's a reflection of all that is good in us. You only want to talk about Solis and I get that. Im not sure why I keep extending but I keep seeing you in my dreams and I keep seeing you in Solis and I keep seeing you in real life and I can't take my eyes off of you. Sometimes I worry about you like you keep so much in, I wonder if you could ever trust me again but, Im here, and I love you. Ive made myself a safe place for people. You and Solis helped me in ways you'll only know if you see me through eyes of forgiveness. 

I don't know what the point of this is. You make things Clear to me all the time, but sometimes you flirt with me and I think sometimes you might be flirting with the idea of me. Flirt with it more. We can be a team, a real team. Not married mom and dad but, come be with the chickens and the family and you'll feel at home because when we’re together we are home. 

“oh how I love you, in the evening when we are sleeping.” 

I remember every song we listened to, I remember every fight, every time we played and played and played, and the piano fingers on my skin. Watching you play gently on the keys making such powerful noise. Thats why you're a good cook I bet. It’s all in the gentle finesse. You're a gentle dad and a gentle man and I'm so sorry for bringing that chaos and lack of privacy into your life, I didn't get it then and you did everything you could to make me understand. I wonder why though, you never let me go and why it takes you to treat me almost like I'm not a human, in your words “nothing” to be able to stomach being near me. Is it resistance or is is disgust? Ive done a lot of stupid things... make some stupid mistakes. The fucking phone dude... didn't even cross my mind.  Its your job to catch me on those things and tell me to cut it out. Im learning that we all need to pick each other up when we’re slipping. I love you tom. Im so proud of you, and I will always be rooting for you. I will always love you in a special way too. More than love like family. I want to touch your hand sometimes so badly and just grab you and hold you and smell you like the time in the harbor. Its hard to dream of you. 

There are so many things I need to be sorry. You didn't deserve what you've had to go through. I wish we could hug man.