#Im not entirely HAPPY WITH THIS but here you go void

[comfortyart]

😘

#bdkskdbdk #Im not entirely HAPPY WITH THIS but here you go void #enjoy smoochies #my week has been a mess and im so tired 😩 #the stress is definitely effecting my art bleh #art tag #kagehina #kageyama tobio #hinata shouyou #manga spoilers #haikyuu time skip #haikyuu!! #shobio

[atlabeth]

come on back to me - nikolai lantsov

summary: five times you save nikolai and one time he saves you.

a/n: if you've seen my thoughts as i read through siege and storm and ruin and rising then you know that i am deeply in love with nikolai lantsov and since ive finally finished the trilogy i finally feel qualified to write about him lmao. i actually don’t think i’ve written a 5+1 which is crazy so here you go. i wrote this in like 2 days in a spurt of inspiration and im absolutely in love with it, so i hope you all are too!!

title from you’re the one by greta van fleet

wc: 7.3k

warning(s): fem!reader, canon typical violence, siege and storm & ruin and rising book spoilers (i have not watched the show), medical inaccuracies, nikolai's volcra era, hurt/comfort and a happy ending (as usual)

Os Alta

It all happened rather quickly. 

One moment, you were in the infirmary mending a poor soldier’s broken arm. The next, screams were erupting everywhere. 

You and the soldier locked eyes, and you did a final bit of healing on his arm before you nodded at each other and darted off. 

The soldier grabbed his gun and went further into the palace, no doubt to find the royal family, and you adjusted the collar of your kefta before you ran out into the fray. 

Nichevo’ya had surrounded everything, attacking anyone they could find, and their shadowy bodies were like a void’s blight on the land. You knew the sight would be forever burned into your mind.

You knew the Darkling was going to march on Os Alta, that he would have to do it directly to use his shadow soldiers, but this was so much earlier, so much worse than you’d expected. Enforcements were meant to come from Poliznaya. You guessed that was off the table. 

You were fine at fighting—alright with a pistol and better with a dagger—but you were a Healer. You spent more time dealing with the aftermaths of battles, more skilled at setting broken bones and mending bullet wounds than inflicting them. 

Times like these were the ones when you normally questioned your decision to not hone your abilities into a Heartrender, but now you would at least be a dead man either way. Nichevo’ya didn’t exactly have hearts to stop and organs to manipulate. 

You had to get to the other Grisha. You had to make sure the Sun Summoner made it through this attack, even if it meant you wouldn’t. 

You broke into a sprint, trying your best to ignore the crippled and broken bodies in the carnage. Your instincts tugged against you, but you knew there was nothing to be done. If you stopped to help a dead man, you would soon join them. 

You nearly battered into a group of people from your speed and lack of attention, and you reeled to the side seconds before a head-on collision. When you looked up, drawing in ragged breaths in the one second of rest you’d gotten, your eyes widened. 

You were face to face with the royal family. The King, the Queen, and Nikolai Lantsov. The absence was glaring. 

“Grisha,” Nikolai breathed, and he grabbed onto your shoulders like a madman as his fingers ran over the embroidery. He might as well have been one, the way wildfire flickered in his eyes. “You’re a Healer? One of Alina’s?”  

You nodded rapidly. “Are you—” 

“I’m getting them to safety on the Kingfisher,” he cut off, “and she wants me to get that old woman as well.”

“Baghra—?”

“You’re a Healer?” the King interrupted harshly. Your heart stuttered—you’d never been directly addressed by the King, but you supposed circumstances like these called for different standards. 

“Yes,” you nodded. “Are you hurt?” 

“My wife,” he said, and your attention turned to the Queen. Genya’s absence had taken a toll on her, and the shards of glass sticking out of her side weren’t doing her pallid frame any favors. 

“Madraya,” Nikolai whispered, his eyes wide, “I didn’t even notice.” 

“Alexander—” her voice was ragged, her entire appearance pallid— “we’ve much bigger concerns.” 

“Nonsense.” The King’s gaze bore into you. “We have time. Heal her.” 

You screwed your eyes shut, your hands closing into fists for a moment before both opened and you nodded. “Keep an eye out, moi tsarevich,” you huffed, and you moved to the Queen’s side. Nikolai’s head perked up for a moment at your words, but it disappeared just as quickly as he adjusted his grip on his pistol. 

“Of course,” he said wryly. “Not that I don’t trust your work, and not that I don’t trust my abilities, but it would be grand if you could do this quickly.” 

“Working as fast as I can,” you muttered, ignoring the noises the Queen made as you pulled the shards of glass out with little care. Your mentors would be rolling in their graves if they could see you. 

“Vasily is dead, by the way,” Nikolai said, attention focused on the nichevo’ya all around. Thankfully, you’d run into each other in a spot relatively hidden from view. Hopefully it extended to shadow creatures. “I know you were wondering.” 

Your hands faltered for a moment, but it was hardly noticeable as you continued to work. He wasn’t wrong. “I’m so sorry.” 

The Queen choked back a sob, and the King’s face betrayed the slightest bit of emotion. 

“An awful way to go,” Nikolai muttered, more to himself than anything. “But fitting that he brought about his own end.” 

His parents said nothing to your surprise, but you stood up from your knees and nodded at the King and Queen. “She’s healed enough. No internal bleeding, at least.” 

“Healed enough?” the King repeated. “That is not—” 

“It’s the best we can hope for,” Nikolai interrupted sharply. “We’ve already wasted too much time out here.” 

He then nodded, grasping your hands with fierce desperation. “The crown thanks you, darling.” You’d never seen him like this—you’d never seen him fear anything. The Darkling and his creations were a good start. “I thank you, truly.” 

“Just doing my duty,” you assured, and you pulled a small container out of the pocket of your kefta, leftover from your work in the infirmary before it all went to hell, and pressed it into his hand. “She should be alright, but I’ve been slightly rushed. Rub this salve on her wounds when you’re out of danger just to be sure.” 

Nikolai nodded again, slipping it into his own pocket. “Keep our Sun Summoner safe,” he said. “Or else this’ll have all been for nothing.” 

You nodded. “With my life.” 

Nikolai’s eyes met yours, and something unsaid passed between you. Then his hands slipped off of yours, and he continued to herd his parents away from the chaos. You muttered a quick prayer to any Saints that would listen for their safety, and then you head off on your own way. 

2. The Pelican 

You thought either the bones in your hands or the wood was going to crack with how tight you were holding onto the side of the ship. Your heart was still hammering away in your chest—the adrenaline from the battle and Nikolai Lantsov’s sudden appearance and being shot at a thousand different times by a thousand different militiamen still had you quite shaken. 

You knew the sort of chaos you were in for when you made the decision to travel with Alina Starkov rather than stay in the White Cathedral, but you think you hated being in the air like this even more than you hated being trapped underground with those zealots. 

Someone called your name, and you turned to see Adrik a while away with wide eyes. You huffed a sigh as you reluctantly let go and hastened your pace to catch up with him. If he was sent to fetch you, then someone needed healing, and you couldn’t exactly hold off on the one thing you were good at. 

Adrik led you over to a corner of the Pelican where a large portion of your group of Grisha were gathered. Tamar was kneeling next to whoever was injured, one hand splayed above their chest, and you took a deep breath as you forced calmness to wash over your mind. 

“What are we dealing with?” you asked Tamar, but it was clear enough when he spoke up. 

“I’m telling you, it’s fine,” he insisted. “Just a flesh wound.” 

“He was shot,” Tamar said dryly, “and he refuses to accept its severity.” 

“So we meet again,” you said placidly. 

Nikolai seemed to perk up when he saw you, any prior frustration absent from his face as he grinned at you and said your name. “If you’re the Healer here, then I guess I’m not so fine.” 

“Am I ever going to be around you when you’re doing important princely things,” you said as you crouched on the other side of him, Tamar continuing to keep his heart rate steady, “or only when you’re injured?” 

“This is a very important princely thing,” Nikolai said. “I’m showing my soon to be subjects that I’m just like them.” 

“You were shot and you thought you were fine?” You let out a loose sigh and shook your head—it wasn’t worth getting into it. “Keep it steady, Tamar.” 

She nodded, and you reached out to begin unbuttoning his outer coat. He wouldn’t stop shifting around, and it made it infinitely harder. 

“Will you sit still?” you snapped. 

“I am,” Nikolai said. 

“You are not,” you asserted, and you undid the final button on his coat after a struggle, “and you are making this much more difficult.” 

“My apologies,” he said. “Usually women that are taking off my clothes aren’t this angry with me.” 

You scowled, only making his smile grow. 

“You do it yourself if you want to be like that,” you said, letting your hands fall back to your side. “I’m sure the rest of your soldiers will listen to a Healer.” 

“Ah, but none of them bravely threw themselves into danger for you,” Nikolai remarked. “I’m sure that earns me a few points.” 

“Points that you’ve immediately lost by being this difficult with me.” You crossed your arms. “And you did not throw yourself into danger for me—you were in the battle and you got shot.” 

“We came to save you all, and you are a part of it,” Nikolai said. “I’d say I definitely threw myself into danger for you.” 

“You’re impossible.” 

He raised his eyebrows. “Will you not even allow a dying man some honor?”

“You are not dying,” you said, “but you will be if you continue talking. Now take off your clothes and stop being so difficult so I can fix this up before you do die.” 

He tutted as he shed his jacket and worked on the rest of his clothing. Princes were apparently fond of multiple layers. “For a Healer, your bedside manner is remarkably poor.”

“Don’t worry,” Nadia piped in, “she’s always been like this.” 

“I have very fond memories of you healing my broken ribs,” Alina said dryly. 

“All of you are still alive,” you said tartly with a glance back at your fellow Grisha, “aren’t you?” 

“I think you made me wish I wasn’t,” Harshaw mused. 

You scowled again and Nikolai laughed. “That bodes very well for me, considering how much I seem to irritate you.” 

“You’re going to be fine,” you grumbled. When you turned back to him, he’d gotten down to his undershirt and unbuttoned it. Blood had spread across the white fabric, but apart from being shot, the wound wasn’t nearly as bad as it could have been. It’d had the chance to fester for a bit, but with Tamar’s aid it hopefully wouldn’t be a problem.  

You took a deep breath as you placed your hands on his chest—lucky as always, you could sense the bullet missed all his major organs—but Nikolai grimaced before you could even do anything. 

“Are you alright?”

“Your hands are very cold,” he said and you just shook your head. 

“How no one has wrung you by the neck is beyond me.” 

“Many have tried.” He flashed that smile again. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t add your name to the list.” 

You ignored him, taking another deep breath before you closed your eyes. You felt your power within you, the tug you’d grown accustomed to over the years, and you focused it into a single point. 

You slowly worked on healing Nikolai, making sure you went from the inside out to stop any internal bleeding before you carefully wedged the bullet out with your knife. Surprisingly, he managed to keep his mouth shut for the most part. He watched you the entire time though, wholly unyielding, and it was unnerving. 

Nikolai covered up his pain remarkably well, but you still caught the slightest grimace when you practically stuck a dagger inside him.

“Do you always try to injure your patients more when you’re healing them?” he asked innocently. 

“You typically don’t make fun of the person fixing you up,” you said, and you held up the knife, “or the one holding the blade.”

“Surely you could’ve used David to get it out,” Zoya offered lazily. “Better than practically stabbing the King of Ravka.”

“I’m not the king,” Nikolai said. “Not yet, at least.” 

“And I’m not stabbing him.” You held up the bullet with your other hand, then let it fall to the floor. “I just didn’t feel like digging around inside him.” 

Nikolai picked up the bullet, and you frowned in question. He just shrugged. “To hold onto the fond memories of this battle and the kindest, prettiest Healer I’ve ever laid eyes on.” 

Someone snickered behind you, and you turned to see all of them just standing around—Zoya, Harshaw with Oncat perched on his shoulder, Adrik ignoring his sister to watch, even Alina and Mal were still there. At least Tamar had enough sense to stay quiet while she helped you. 

“Don’t you have anything better to do?” you snapped. “It’s hard to focus with you all watching me.”

Alina blinked, seeming to come back to her senses. You almost didn’t blame her—she had so much on her shoulders, it made sense to just want to stand and stare for a minute.

“Right,” she nodded, and she gestured at Zoya and the Squaller siblings as she started walking across the ship, “Adrik, Nadia, I need you all over…”

Alina's words trailed off as she got farther away, and the small crowd dissipated to find duties to carry out without their Sun Summoner to indulge their whims. 

“Thank you for your help, Tamar,” you mumbled. “I can take it from here.” 

She nodded and went off to join the others—the controlled state Nikolai had been in dissolved as she let go of the hold she had on his heart, and the slight daze in his eye went away. 

“Are you always this mean?” Nikolai asked. You turned back to find him with that same unshakable confidence, same lazy smile even in the face of it all. It was no wonder noble and commoner girls alike tripped over themselves when he returned to Ravka. 

It was no wonder Alina fell for his charms despite the tracker by her side—he always knew the right thing to say to make you feel like everything would be okay, and in the midst of Ravka’s endless war, that was a valuable quality indeed.

“I save it for irritating princes,” you remarked. With a final flourish, his wound was sewed up, and Nikolai raised his eyebrows as he touched the newly healed skin.

There was another slight wince, but he still smiled up at you. “Excellent job.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” you said.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to Grisha handiwork,” Nikolai said as he pulled himself up from the side of the ship. “Especially the healing kind.”

“It would do you good not to get used to it,” you said. “You may not be king yet, but Zoya is right. I’d appreciate it if you tried to stay out of my infirmary.”

“Do you not enjoy my company?” he asked. 

“I don’t enjoy bringing Ravka’s only heir back from the brink after every battle,” you corrected. “You’ve got a lot more weight on your shoulders now, moi tsarevich.”

His eyebrows furrowed slightly at your Ravkan. “Say that again.”

You frowned, wondering if you’d heard him correctly. Nikolai continued staring at you, so you sighed. “Moi tsarevich?”

He laughed, and that only soured your mood further. “What are you laughing about?” 

“I recognized it back during the attack but I didn’t fully think about it,” he said. “It comes out the most with your R’s. You’re not Ravkan, are you?”

You paused at his sudden subject change. “You were focusing on my accent when everyone was dying around us?” 

“Answer the question.” 

Your frown deepened. “I am in most senses of the word.”

Nikolai’s eyes narrowed. “You’re Kerch.”

Your lips twitched. “Yes, but I don’t—”

“You still haven’t lost the accent somehow,” he continued. “At least, in how you speak certain Ravkan words. Is it Ketterdam?”

“Don’t you have better things to do than quiz your Healer on her childhood?”

“Perhaps,” Nikolai said, eyes twinkling, “but if you’re really my Healer, as you said yourself, I’m surely allowed to ask as many questions as my heart desires.”

“Your heart desires no more,” you said wryly. “I have other injured to attend to. Call if you find yourself actively dying.”

To his credit, he didn’t try to fight it. Just offered that same smile that weakened knees from the Kaelish to the Shu. “I’ll be sure to ring before I’m dead and buried.”

“Put your clothes back on before you do,” you said.

“Ah, but isn’t this your reward for putting up with the irritating prince?” Nikolai asked with a slight gesture at his chest. “I’d imagine you’d want to keep an eye on your handiwork.”

That sparked a rare smile of your own, and you bowed your head. “Moi tsarevich,” you said before you walked off.

You felt Nikolai’s eyes on you even as you approached an injured First Army soldier, and after the first few preliminary questions you couldn’t help but look back. 

When you did, he was gone. 

3. Monastery of Sankt Demyan

You sat on the Spinning Wheel, off to the corner so you wouldn’t be disturbing anyone, staring at your hands as you tried to ignore the thousands of things bumping around in your mind. You’d been on the run with the Sun Summoner and a smattering of other Grisha for longer than you would have liked, but you had to accept that this was what life would be like until the Darkling was either defeated or destroyed you all. 

It was a damning sort of fate, knowing what awaited you unless the impossible was done. At least it would be quick if the nichevo’ya tore you apart. 

You grimaced. That was one thought that would do you no good—if you’d made it this far, from Os Alta under the Darkling’s control to Os Alta under Lantsov control to the White Cathedral and now to Fjerda of all places, what was one more piece of the puzzle? 

A very big piece of the puzzle, of course, and there was still the intrinsic distrust that some soldiers—and even Alina at moments, flickers of it you could see in her eyes against her will—had towards you. You, like the rest of the Grisha here that hailed from the Second Army, served the Darkling until you’d switched sides. You wanted nothing more than to see the Darkling to his grave, for Ravka to be restored and for all of this to be over. 

But you had switched sides in the first place, and you knew enough from the looks of those soldiers—they still believed that if you could betray the Darkling, you could always still betray the Sun Summoner if given enough cause. 

You didn’t try to dissuade their views through words; it wouldn’t do any good. You just hoped the long hours you spent holed up in the infirmary healing the injured would. You missed Maxim if only so you wouldn’t have to do it all alone. 

“Vlachka for your thoughts?” 

You looked up, surprised to see Nikolai Lantsov of all people. You hadn’t held a true conversation with him since you healed him after his bullet wound. He’d been busy with princely things like banishing his parents and saving Genya’s livelihood. 

You were thankful for that, at least. She’d suffered too much at the hands of the Darkling and the King. 

“You’d need a lot more than that,” you said. 

He smiled. “I’ve got quite a bit. Have you seen this place?” 

You chuckled and shrugged. “Just thinking. About our next move, about the Darkling, about what will be after this.” 

“You certainly aren’t the only one,” Nikolai said. “Lately it seems to be all anyone can think about.”

“I’m sure you’d much rather have them thinking of you,” you said wryly. 

“Oh, there’s plenty of that going on as well.” Nikolai smiled. “An even balance, I’d say.”

You chuckled again. “What brings you here, Nikolai?” 

He shrugged. “I wanted to get to know my Healer.” 

You huffed a sigh and looked away. “Why do you call me that?” 

He was awfully good at feigning innocence. “Call you what?” 

“My Healer,” you repeated. “Your Healer. I don’t understand it.” 

“I like the sound of it,” he said. “I’ll stop if you don’t like it.” 

You felt your cheeks heat and you felt his eyes on you. “It’s not that. It’s just—” 

“Because I can,” he continued. “Would you prefer lapushka? Milaya? Perhaps babya.”

You scowled as you turned back to him, and you hit him lightly on the shoulder. “You should stick to the seas and the throne, moi tsarevich. Comedy is not your strong suit.” 

“I like it when you call me that,” he mused. “I like your accent, your voice.” He sat down next to you, mildly unexpected, and you hoped you did better at hiding your surprise than it felt. “There’s something soothing about it.” 

“I am from Ketterdam,” you said after a moment. “You guessed right. Born and raised. When my abilities started showing, my parents put me on a ship to Ravka with a map, some vlachki, and the clothes on my back. I made my way to the Little Palace, pleaded my case to the Darkling, and I haven’t seen them since.”

Nikolai was silent, and you fully turned to look at him. “You wanted to know more about me. That’s who I am. A girl from Ketterdam in over her head.”

“Give yourself some credit,” Nikolai said. “You’re a woman from Ketterdam in over your head.” 

You huffed a laugh, and Nikolai’s expression softened a bit. “Why did they send you away? If that’s alright to ask, of course.” 

You shrugged. “Being a young girl in the Barrel is bad enough. If anyone figured out I was Grisha, I would either be dead in the streets, indentured before I could blink, or worse.”  

“They thought it would be safer in Ravka,” he guessed. “In the Second Army.” 

You nodded. “They couldn’t have known any of this would happen,” you said dryly. 

“Do you miss your parents?” he asked. 

“Every day,” you said quietly. “We sent letters when we could, but it was never enough. And those stopped after Alina left the Little Palace, obviously.” 

You didn’t need to recount the months of the Darkling’s madness as he searched for his Sun Summoner. Nikolai might have been Sturmhond at the time, but you didn’t doubt that he had contacts in the Little Palace. You didn’t exactly want to remember it either. 

“How about this?” Nikolai adjusted his position so he could look right at you, those smart hazel eyes enough to get lost in. You forced yourself not to. “On the slim chance that we make it through these next few weeks, when the dust has settled and I’m officially King, I’ll charter a ship for you back to Ketterdam.” 

Your head whirled back to look at him, eyes widening. There was no sign in his eyes of a false promise, only that soft smile, charming as ever. You had the sudden, misplaced urge to wind your fingers into those blonde curls and kiss him. 

“You’d do that for me?” 

He nodded. “Of course. Only the best for my Healer, right?” 

That got a laugh out of you, but the heat rose to your cheeks all the same. “That would be incredible, Nikolai. Thank you.” 

“Of course.” 

He looked—gazed— at you for a touch longer than usual before he spoke again. 

“There’s going to be a meteor shower later tonight,” Nikolai said. “One of my crew figured it out—he’s very fond of the sky, and he told me it would be… quite the sight.” 

Your eyebrows furrowed. Was he—

“I’d like to watch it with you,” Nikolai continued. “Of course, I have to put on a display with Alina, but after that,” he looked over at you, hazel eyes gleaming, “I’d like to spend the night with you.” 

It took a moment for your brain to fully process his words. “Moi tsarevich, are… you asking me on a— a date?” 

“Just Nikolai, please,” he said with a grin. “And yes, I am.” 

It seemed so trivial in the scheme of things. You were leading an impossible battle against the Darkling, and as a traitor to his throne, you would end up dead or worse if he caught you. The near entirety of the Second Army was dead, friends you’d grown up and honed your power alongside with ripped apart by nichevo’ya. Your chances for victory relied on the firebird, and no one knew a damn thing about it. 

It was trivial. It was frankly ridiculous, for the prince— the King of Ravka—to be asking you on a date, especially when it was imperative for him to present a certain image with Alina. 

But for all the triviality and ridiculousness and idiocy, you found that you’d never wanted to accept something so badly. 

So you did. You nodded, smiled, brighter than usual. Nikolai seemed to have that effect on you. 

“I’d love to.” 

“Wonderful.” Somehow, impossibly, his grin grew bigger. Nikolai took your hand and pressed a delicate kiss to it before he stood back up—you’d never been so thankful for his confidence, because you found yourself at a loss for words. “I’ll see you tonight, darling. Try not to get into too much trouble without me.” 

You nodded again, and you knew you looked like a dazed idiot. The better half of a decade spent training as a Grisha and all it took was a kiss to your hand for your brain to stop working. You really had been at war for far too long. 

Nikolai could tell every thought—or lack thereof—in your head by the overly pleased expression he wore as he walked away, and your entire face burned as you bit back your smile. 

He knew exactly what he did to you. 

4. The Bittern 

Sergei sold you out. 

That son of bitch had betrayed you all to the Darkling the first chance he got, and he’d been rewarded with a quicker death than any of you would get. 

You’d been left fighting for your lives against the Darkling’s oprichniki, Grisha, and nichevo’ya alike, and as usual, you were hopelessly outnumbered. You knelt over Adrik as Zoya, Nadia, Harshaw, and David kept the crowd of enemies back, doing your damnedest to keep him from bleeding out from his nichevo’ya bite. 

His arm hung at a bizarre angle, and you didn’t know how you would tell him and his sister you didn’t think you could save it. You were sure Genya’s whispered words were the only thing keeping him even slightly calm.

By the time the Bittern was in the air, precarious but afloat, you were about ready to collapse. It had all been too damn much, with the Darkling and Baghra and Nevsky, and now the poor schoolboy lying beneath you with an arm you couldn’t save. 

“He’ll be okay,” you murmured to nobody but yourself, wiping beads of sweat from your forehead as you laid against the side of the ship. As okay as any boy who lost his arm to a shadow monster and went through what he just did. 

Thank the Saints for Tolya keeping both Adrik’s and your heart steady during that ordeal, because you were sure your panic would have won over. 

Everyone in your motley crew was injured in some way or another, and you were the only Healer. Soon you were back on your feet, pushing the horrors of the night out of your mind as you mended lacerations and fixed up bullet wounds. 

Every so often, your eyes would drift over to Adrik. You’d healed him the best you could, but it wasn’t enough. 

And then your mind went to Nikolai. 

Nikolai. 

In the chaos of the battle and the subsequent healing haze, you hadn’t even realized he wasn’t with your group. The Pelican had taken off before you all got to the Bittern, but Nikolai wouldn’t have left Alina on her own after all he’d done to ensure her safety. 

You were almost too scared to ask, but you did anyway. 

“Alina,” you asked, slightly surprised at the sound of your voice in the silence of the night, “where’s Nikolai?” 

Her eyes were unfocused, arms crossed around her midsection for warmth despite the light that glowed beneath her skin. “The Darkling,” she murmured. 

“Wh— what did he do to him?” you continued. “What in the Saints’ name happened to him, Alina?” 

“He ruined him,” she whispered. “He turned him into a monster.” The look on Alina’s face broke you into even smaller pieces. “He turned him into a monster all because Nikolai dared to stand against him. He’s gone.” 

Your grip tightened on the side of the ship as she explained what she had to watch, and your knees threatened to buckle. 

Maybe it was stupid, but you hadn’t even realized you cared this much about the prince. The king, you had to keep reminding yourself. But the thought of him hurt—a hurt that you couldn’t heal—it tore your heart to shreds. 

Only last night you were laying on a blanket next to him, staring up at the meteor shower through the glass dome. He’d never looked more beautiful than he did then, with the streaks of light illuminating his handsome features and those hazel eyes you’d grown to appreciate. 

Few words had passed between the two of you, but once Nikolai had taken your hand in his, neither of you let go for the remainder of the night. That urge to kiss him came back in spades, but you never acted on it. 

Saints, you wished you had. 

“Do you think you can heal him?” Your voice sounded oddly foreign, but you didn’t even feel like you were in your body. Like you were watching it all happen from above, because this couldn’t have been happening. Not to Nikolai— to your Nikolai. 

You were his Healer, and he was your Nikolai. That was how it was supposed to be. 

“I don’t know,” Alina admitted, her tone strained. “My light might be able to help, but… but whenever I’ve used it against the nichevo’ya, against the volcra, I— it kills them.” 

Her voice broke on the last few words, and you wanted to hug her. Alina didn’t love him, you knew that much, but anyone could tell she’d grown close to Nikolai over the months. She was hurting just as much as you. 

You didn’t. You found that you couldn’t do much but stare into the night sky.

He was all alone. Forced into a monster, and now he was all alone. 

It felt like ages before the Bittern finally landed, everyone’s teeth stained rust-orange and bones run deep with exhaustion. Everyone was still alive when you woke up the next morning, and after another check-up on Adrik, you went off into the woods under the guise of searching for kindling. 

Really, you needed some time to yourself. After what had happened—Sergei’s betrayal, losing even more Grisha when you had little to start with, Baghra’s sacrifice, Adrik and his arm, and— and Nikolai—

It was too much. It was just too damn much. 

You’d never gotten close like this to anyone before, never moved further than some useless flirtations and a few stolen kisses with various Grisha when you were bored back at the Little Palace, and when you finally did, with the damned future King of Ravka, this is what happened. 

Guilt tore away at you as you plodded through the woods, and you let the tears you’d been holding back all night fall. You wished you’d been there for him. You wished you’d kissed him. You wished you were strong enough to take the Darkling down on your own for what he’d done. 

The hairs stood up on the back of your neck, and you heard the rustling of branches. You whirled around to the source of the sound, taking a few steps to peer through the trees, and that was when you saw it. 

Your eyes widened and your heart cracked all at once. 

“Nikolai,” you whispered. 

You’d have recognized him anywhere. Despite the shadowy veins splintering across his chest, the wings furled behind his back, claws and fangs in place of fingers and teeth—he was still your Nikolai. His blonde curls remained, his sharp cheekbones and strong jaw, even his clever eyes—even if they were black instead of hazel. 

The smear of blood around his mouth was a sharp contrast to it all. You wondered what—or who—had become his unlucky victim when he could no longer control his hunger. 

Nikolai didn’t move as you stepped closer. His dark gaze was unreadable and you wanted to sob for what the Darkling had done to him. 

“It’s me.” You continued to speak softly as you moved closer, saying your name in hopes of even a spark of recognition. “Your Healer.” 

His eyes followed your movements, his gaze falling down to your hands. He pointed at them with a clawed talon.

You held them up. “My hands?” 

You realized the blood around his mouth wasn’t the only bit of it on his body as your eyes trailed across his bare chest. There were cuts all across his arms and chest, most small but some deeper. He pointed at a thin scar near his abdomen, the only sign of the bullet wound you’d stitched up. 

He wanted you to heal him. He knew who you were. 

This time, a small sob escaped you, and your hand flew up almost on instinct to cover it. You brushed the tears brimming in your eyes as you moved closer to him, and you gently placed your hand on his arm. You felt his limb stiffen for a moment before they relaxed, and you couldn’t help your small smile. Your Nikolai was still there. 

The thin cut vanished as you healed it, and you continued to do the same for the myriad of other injuries on his body. You felt his gaze on you the entire time, and some part of it was comforting. Nikolai was still there—his humanity was still there. This was the least you could do to make him feel the part. 

Once you’d healed up the last of his wounds, you felt the glow of Grisha power inside of you. Nikolai grabbed onto your hand the moment you’d finished, and you looked up into his dark eyes as your fingers clasped around his talons.

“We’ll figure this out, Nikolai,” you whispered. “I promise.”

The corner of his lips curled up ever so slightly, the barest sign of the old smile you’d grown to love.

And then he let go of your hand, and he shot up into the air. It took only seconds for him to disappear, but your gaze remained stuck in place. 

All you could think of was Nikolai’s dark eyes and the shattered shadows beneath his skin, the feel of his taloned hand in yours.  

You would find a way to bring him back. You knew that much. 

5. The Shadow Fold 

“For Saint’s sake— catch him, Zoya!” 

“You screeching at me isn’t helping,” she snarled, her hands held out above her as she summoned wind to break Nikolai’s fall. 

It was almost laughable, how Alina ended it all with a bit of stabbing. First Mal, then the Darkling—now Soldat Sol and oprichniki alike were glowing like human lamps around the Fold. The nichevo’ya dissolved with the Darkling’s power, the same thing that created Nikolai’s monster—you screamed in general when you first saw him falling, and then you screamed at Zoya. It was a credit to her growth that she didn’t slap you first. 

Thankfully, the updraft did its job, and he only landed in the sand at concerning speeds rather than very concerning. 

You ran for him without thinking, not even feeling the jolt in your ankles as you lept from the skiff onto the sands. You no longer had to fear the Fold—the various Sun Soldiers that had gotten Alina’s powers had done away with the remainder in no time—and even if you did, you would brave a thousand volcra for Nikolai. 

He looked so small, so vulnerable laying there in the sand, only clad in torn pants and a myriad of bruises. The last of the shadows receded when you finally reached him, and you didn’t try to stop the tears as they flowed freely down your cheeks. 

“Nikolai,” you whispered, falling to your knees in the sand next to him, “Nikolai, can you hear me?” 

You cradled his head in your hands, tears splattering in the sand around you, and then his eyes opened. 

His beautiful hazel eyes opened and looked right at you, his lips tugging into a smirk as he said your name. 

“Would you say this is an important princely thing?” His voice was husky, damaged from whatever dark thing that had taken a hold of him, but the usual lilt was there. “Or just another injury?” 

You broke into full on sobs, unabashedly and unashamed as you wrapped your arms around him and pulled him into a hug. You felt his arms around you as well, and he rubbed circles on your back. 

“I had time to think,” Nikolai murmured, “and I think I’ll settle on lapushka.” 

Darling. 

You couldn’t help but laugh, and you moved away from him just so you could look at him, gaze at him, never forget his beautiful features. 

“I’m so glad you’re okay.” 

“I knew I would be,” he said, his eyes twinkling. “I had you looking out for me.” 

“Stop,” you said, your voice watery. “I can’t keep crying in front of you.” 

“I think you’ve more than earned it, lapushka.” 

You laughed again as you shook your head. “How do you feel? Can you still move all your limbs?” 

Nikolai took his hand in yours, fingers intertwining with yours. His gaze didn’t move from you. “Limbs are fine.” 

You let your smile shine unabashed as you squeezed his hand, thankful for the lack of talons. “Can you sit up?” 

Nikolai visibly winced at the effort, but he managed with your help. “My chest hurts quite a bit.” 

“You’ve definitely broken some ribs,” you murmured, “but it’s nothing I can’t fix up.” 

“There’s nothing you can’t fix,” Nikolai said. 

“Careful with all the praise. I might get used to it.” 

“Good.” 

You glanced over to see Tolya and Zoya moving across the sand towards you and you looked back at Nikolai. 

“We’re going to get you back on the skiff, Nikolai,” you said. “I’ll get you healed up and then we’ll get you some clothes. Alright?” 

“I told you,” Nikolai said, “this is your reward for putting up with the irritating prince.” 

“That was for the prince,” you said, running a hand through his blonde curls to untangle them. “My reward for putting up with irritating kings is to make sure they’re clothed and healed.” 

His smile shone brighter than anything Alina could conjure up. 

The Darkling’s Skiff 

You ended up below deck with Nikolai, Tolya, an unconscious Alina and Mal, and the Darkling’s body. It normally wouldn’t have been a cheery atmosphere, but you were just thankful to be alive after all you’d done. Thankful that Nikolai was alive and himself and that the Darkling was dead. 

A First Army uniform was folded next to Nikolai’s makeshift cot where you sat next to him, and Tolya’s companionable silence was appreciated as he stayed by Alina and Mal to ensure they stayed alive. 

“You broke a few ribs in your fall,” you murmured, your hands placed on his chest, “but overall, I’d say you made out pretty well.” 

“Yes,” Nikolai said wryly, looking at his hands. Faint black lines ran across each of his fingers, where claws had torn through his skin. Though the other shadowy marks had faded, these appeared to be permanent. “Pretty well.” 

“You know what I mean, Nikolai.” You moved your hand over his ribs and focused your power—by the slight grimace on his face, the itch that came along with Grisha healing, you knew they were mending back together. “You’re still alive. You’re you again. That means everything.” 

“And your hands are still freakishly cold,” he mused. You smiled. 

A moment passed before he spoke again. 

“You know,” Nikolai said, and you felt his eyes on you again, “I remember everything. Everything that I did when I was that… that thing.” 

Your throat bobbed, but you nodded, encouraging him on. 

“I went to you,” he said, “and… you helped me. You weren’t afraid—you understood what I meant, and you healed me.” 

“Of course I did,” you said softly. A smile tugged at your lips. “I am your Healer, after all.” 

Nikolai placed his hand over one of yours, and your power wavered for a moment as your heart stuttered. 

“One of your ribs is still broken, Nikolai,” you said. “I have to—” 

“I love you,” he interrupted. Your eyes snapped to him, and you thought you misheard him. 

“What?” 

“I love you,” he repeated, as if it came as easily to him as breathing. “Forgive me for the lack of ballads and sonnets on how to express it—I plan to remedy that as soon as we’re back in Os Alta. But I love you, and it’s the one thing I’m sure of at this moment.” 

You continued to stare at him, as if you’d suddenly forgotten how to speak. Nikolai was no Corporalnik, but you were sure he could hear how loudly your heart was beating. 

“It’s alright if you don’t feel the same,” Nikolai said, “or if you’re not ready. I’m a very patient man.” 

It was like your limbs had suddenly regained the ability to move, because something clicked in your mind. You took his face in your hands and you kissed him with a brazen fierceness you didn’t even know you had. 

For a man with two bruised ribs and one broken one, he kissed you back with the same intensity, if not more. You poured all your fear, all your anxiety, all your worries about him into the kiss, reveling in the warmth of his lips and his hands and—

Tolya cleared his throat. “We’re nearly out of the Fold.” 

You pulled away as quickly as it had started, Nikolai looking very pleased with himself as you fixed the collar of your kefta and looked over at him with eyes that were surely more pupil than iris. 

“Thank you, Tolya,” you said, and you cleared your throat as well. Good of him to ignore the two of you. Embarrassing of you to nearly forget about your surroundings when you looked at Nikolai. 

“Yes,” Nikolai said, mirth in his voice, “thank you, Tolya.”

You rolled your eyes as you turned back to him, your lips still burning from his kiss, and you settled your hands back on Nikolai’s chest. 

“No more interruptions,” you said. “I’ve got to get you healed and dressed before we’re off the sand.” 

His eyes twinkled. “Whatever you say, lapushka.” 

You had no idea what was next. The Sun Summoner died on the Fold, the Darkling’s reign of terror was finally over, and Nikolai was to be King. You didn’t know where you would fit in, though you were sure he would find a place. 

But you loved Nikolai, and by the Saints, Nikolai loved you. 

And for now, that was more than enough. 

#nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov x you #nikolai lantsov x y/n #nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov fic #nikolai lantsov fluff #nikolai lantsov angst #nikolai lantsov the love of my life #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bone fic #grishaverse x reader #sadie writes

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

maggot newt pulsifer: the draw battle recap

The maggots asked and the maggots shall receive. Helloo it's the Good Omens Mascot and the uh Maggot Prince (...) anyway it's Asmi and as many of you now know, we have a Discord server. It is called The Official Maggots Server of Doom.

So far, it has lived up to its name, with discussions of whether human flesh is healthy food if locally sourced and consensual, tears about good omens, gartic phone horrors and the infamous Draw Battle Team of Valerie and Coel. If you don't have Discord or weren't there, never fear! That last Incident is the one I am here to recount to you. We all know I love summaries.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:

Coel @dieamarjla: The Newt Puslifer Maggot, whose phone hanged, nearly burned up, closed several tabs and then gave up on him entirely Valerie @good-usernames-were-taken: His unfortunate teammate I, Asmi @weirdly-specific-but-ok: Their gleeful opponent Vanny @lxvenderjewel: My equally gleeful teammate Vel @orpiknight: Sane person cameo, joined next game Jay @voids-ideas: Joined next game Tefi @patoslover: Gleeful spectator cameo

And so we begin... with the snippets from the Discord channel as the game went on. A lot has been edited out, but rest assured, you are receiving the delicious necessities.

Valerie: GUYS IT'S STARTING Coel: its so over Valerie: COSL PLEASE DRAW Valerie: COEL Valerie: HELLO IM ON YOUR TEAM Coel: oh dear god Coel: im on phone lmao my fingers Valerie: COEL GET BACK HERE Valerie: GUESS Valerie: COEL DONT LEAVE ME KN MY OWN LIKE THIS

Valerie: NO COEL HAS FUCKING VANISHED Coel: wait wbat??

[continues below cut :")]

Coel: gonna vanish from discord cos my phone keeps refreshing my tab Valerie: coel I'm not on your team next time Coel: fair fair idk what im doi g sob Valerie: COEL GUESS Valerie: GUESS COEL Valerie: YOU WRITE WHAT YOU THINK IT IS Coel: I CANT SEE THE THING Valerie: WHAT Coel: MY TAB Valerie: OKAY COEL GET READY Valerie: WE CAN DO THIS Valerie: LETS SHOW THEM Coel: my tab is fucking frozen its stucm on round 3 Valerie: OH MY GOD Coel: im sorry ghfjgngnf Valerie: I GUESSED IT PURELY BASED ON WORD LENGTH Vel: What is happening right now. Coel: i dont know :sobbing Valerie: IM SORRY COEL

Vanny: FUCK Asmi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Valerie: WHOS THE SUCKER NOW Vanny: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS Vanny: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT COEL Valerie: WTF Asmi: WE ARE FAILURES OF THE LOWEST ORDER Vanny: FUCK SORRY Asmi: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Valerie: WHOEVER IS PLAYING FOR COEL HIGH FUCKING FIVE Asmi: WE CAN'T LOSE TO VALERIE Valerie: TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN Valerie: COEL?!?? Coel: link pls it crashed Coel: my phone is having seizures Coel: ghghgjgjgjk Coel: after this ill keep out of the games lmao Valerie: COEL the word is cheeks Valerie: or cheeks Coel: i cant get in bro the link just doesnt open tho theres nothing wrong w it Coel: aaaaaa

[Finally new game is initiated, Vel, terrified, agrees to join, Jay is hesitant] Jay: How much English do I need? HAHAHA Asmi: NONE IF YOU'RE PLAYING AGAINST VALERIE AND COEL IM SO HAPPY Jay: I know how to read them, write them? Idk HAHAHAHAHA Valerie: THATS A STEP UP !! Valerie: no offense coel Valerie: your were brilliant Valerie: your phone have exploded though Coel: yeah it's uncomfy warm now lmaoo Vanny: WAIT IS COEL JOINING Coel: no Valerie: HELP Coel: im literally Newton Pulsifer tonight

And a bonus...

Also, let's go back a bit to what led to this post in the first place, thanks @good-usernames-were-taken... thanks... :")

Vel: oooh we're doing a drawing game Asmi: WELL KIND OF IT'S MORE LAUGHING AT VALERIE GAME Valerie: PLEASE Valerie: SHUT UP Asmi: THERE ARE TEARS IN MY EYES GOOD GOD Tefi: Poor valerie Vanny: I'M LAUGHING SO HAD Valerie: YOU BETTER NOT MAKE A POST ABOUT THIS ON TUMBLR SHAMING ME

...wHaT cAn i sAy eXcEPt yOu'Re wElcOmE, vAlEriE?

#good omens mascot #weirdly specific but ok #asmi #good omens #newt pulsifer #maggots #now with a discord server #the official maggots server of doom #draw battle #disappointment the main maggot #is very pleased

[hdra77]

Ok since this blog is kinda getting alot of attention i'll just make a pinned post about a little bit of myself

Hey y'all i'm Soren

He/Him

You can call me fishe or just dra

I am bilingual but im more comfortable speaking in english (still bad at it actually)

Using my art as PFPs/Banners is okay! As long as you give proper credit! But reuploading my works without my permission or claiming them as your own is NOT okay. I will find you and i will hunt you down and turn you into a helpless flopping fish gasping for air.

Inspirations is ok too!! But please do not directly copy from the original work.

my interest varies but i currently hyperfixtate on these fandoms so far:

Rainworld

Marikinonline4

Animator vs Animation/Animation vs Minecraft

Warrior cats

And for those who wanted to interact with me this is my discord tag: hindrance77

My dms here are also open so feel free to send me a message! (No weird dms or you get instant block)

Im busy and i dont check discord as frequently but i would be happy to talk to you! I would also be glad to make friends im not intimidating i promise i dont bite totally-

My ask box are always open! Ask me anything basically, my aus, ocs, pretty much anything. You can also send some requests but they will take a gajillion years to finish but i promise ill get them done soon!

i really like cybercore,webcore,warcore aesthetic it may not look like it right now but expect a whole bunch of techcore designs soon

Oh and i am also a huge fan of astronomy,space and all of that sort. Along with post apocalyptic settings,body horror elements and eldritch beings.

Btw please read this before following my blog!! There would be gore,body horror and even some suggestive themes Sometimes but overall i do not post any explicit nsfw here !!

i draw stickmen a lot and i mean a whole lot. that shows so much in my twitter account. i like to animate too and fishes and cats are my favorite, those silly little thangs

my DNI are basically the general DNI: proshippers,homophobes,etc. you know, the general

My tags:

#hdra7shitposts - yes, shitposts

#fishdoesart - all my art comes here

#fishdoesdoodles - random doodles and some occasional shitposting, mostly on ms paint

#fishdoesrequests - all my art requests comes here, so far this is where you find my ship requests (still open for now btw)

#wips - wips

#fishbites.txt - ramblings

#othersart - gifts/fanarts! Sometimes some reblogs

#asks - all of my responses comes here

My other blogs:

@nyaworld-askblog - for the nyaworld au! this blog is story driven but asks for specific characters are always welcome!

@fallowclans-unruly-demise - for a warrior cats clangen blog, still stuck in hiatus void

My Rainworld AU tags:

#rw voided au - simple AU about iterators called voideds who drains void fluids out of other iterators, theres also some rot infection going on too

#rw disarray au/SYSTEM FAILURE - a virus in Lttm's code had created a fatal error in her system which caused her to slowly spiral into insanity as she would slowly loosen her grip onto reality, claiming that she had found the solution to their problem..but was it really the answer all along?

#rw nyaworld au - joke au about the entire rainworld cast taking place in the 2000's this one is purely just for nostalgia purposes

My Rainworld Oc tags:

#7c dystopian arbitrary

#7c golden life

#rw ocs

-- still WIP --

#i finally introduced myself #i should also change my page aesthetic soon #its been really outdated and i never planned on changing it LMAO #also have i mentioned im also really good with procrastinating

[milk-ducts]

You're really out here thinking u don't have a relevant internet presence?? lmao please, ur like one of the best invincible blogs i follow and ur art is just beyond stunning. i LIVE for the rare moments u post those gorgeous drawings, u capture these characters in a way no one else does and have such a way with color picking and rendering AHHHH. And don't even get me started on your character analyses, like the way u pick apart immortal and cecil just makes me see them in an entirely different way and anytime you post i know im in for a treat

you're a gem in this fandom and we're so lucky to have u, i just wish u were more active but i get it, life happens. i'm always happy whenever i see u post SOMETHING, even if it's just you reblogging other artists. point is, we love u, i love u, and u better know how much u mean to ur followers

i love u so much u funky little creature keep doing u and being the light of my dash. merry christmas, here's to another year of me thirsting after your art and yelling into the void abt how much i adore u. <333

WTF…,…. IM LITERALLY GONNA KILL MYSELF WJAT./.,… /J i seriously have such a hard time seeing any sort of value and or relevance in the things i post but msgs like this remind me there r actually ppl out there who do enjoy and look forward to my rambles n doodles,, and i am just,, so grateful……………. !!!!!

LIKE U DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME AAAAHHH THANK U THANK U THANK U.. IM ON MY KNEES. i feel so blessed to have followers like u who stick around even when i disappear for months on end.,, just know that anytime i do post, it's literally only becuz of sweethearts such as urself motivating me from the shadows <3 i appreciate every single one of u more than words can describe,, i wish yall would get more active here as well !! (INVINCIBLE TUMBLR FEED),, its such a great fandom filled w sm wonderful and talented ppl on here !!!

ALSO ANON U BETTER KNOW I LOVE U TOO U PRECIOUS ANGEL!!!!! LIKE IF I COULD REACH THRU THIS SCREEN N SMOOCH U I WOULD!!! AWAGHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGjHGGUIOIUFYG i hope the rest of ur holidays are as bright and cheerful as u made mine today. ur the best bb now if u'll excuse me imma go cry myself 2 sleep bc i can't handle this kind of stuf….. (also.. it is lat,e,, for me .. < 3 gn everyone)

#milky.txt #milkyasks

[thatstoomanysausages]

Don’t think about the dead gathering in the void, Lizzie sitting alone on the oddly solid air, staring down into her deathbed, red flushed on her cheeks with her embarrassment.

Then Jimmy and Mumbo appear in the void in quick succession, both just as disoriented as Lizzie first was.

Lizzie feels relief for a moment when realising that she wasn’t alone, but that quickly fades as soon as she catches Jimmy’s breathy disbelieving laughter.

Of course he was going to be upset, Lizzie remembered how Jimmy died first in Last Life, and from what she’s heard, it had happened four consecutive times already.

So as someone who had been isolated for an entire game, she crawls over to comfort someone who was without his other half to take away that pain of being alone.

“Jimmy, are you-“

“Oh my GOSH! IM NOT OUT FIRST! It’s confirmed! Oh Lizzie, how does it feel?! Cause for me it feels GREAT!” Jimmy’s barking laughter echoes throughout the void.

Something drops heavily in Lizzie’s stomach. Mumbo just stares awkwardly at the scene, watching Lizzie as she processes the laughter that she previously thought was devastated was in fact gloating.

Something in Lizzie feels light as a feather at the relief that Jimmy was free. But something uglier and heavier settles in her chest as well, it falls with enough force that it shakes her vision and rings loud enough to rival a warden’s shriek.

He’s laughing. He’s celebrating, and he’s cheering about how he wasn’t first out. Lizzie should be happy.

But all she can feel is a bubbling anger growing louder with his cheers. All she can think about is how she wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Jimmy. She might still be on red, if only Jimmy hadn’t crit her with a bloody sword (acting surprised when it took her second life).

He’s celebrating and it’s boiling up in her, sitting at a threshold, waiting for Jimmy to turn to her to explode.

Mumbo sits beside her, taking hold of her hand, and she saves the anger for a rainy day. She can be mad later, for now, she watches.

#mumbo jumbo #ldshadowlady #solidaritygaming #jimmy solidarity #life series #life series smp #secret life #secret life smp #fanfiction #I wanted her to murder more #so this is me coping‼️

[eijirousbestie]

“Answer the question.”

corporate au excerpt

im actually so out of the writing game I just wrote whatever words came to my mind first and let it go from there💀

this has no true beginning or ending im really just practicing writing again

btw whoever requested aizawa, this is 4 u

“That’s not what I asked you.”

You go silent, caught off guard by the sudden way he shut you down.

“Do you understand the material, or not?”

“No. Not well anyway. But then again I guess that’s why I’m here.” He gives you a look as if his patience is already wearing thin. He leans against the wall, arms crossed.

“Then learn it.” Huh?

“How am I supposed to learn it without being taught?”

“Figure it out. Use your resources. Nowadays you can find anything you want with a click of a button.”

“But it’s literally your job.”

“Not my job to coddle you. I don’t get paid for that. This is only a favor to spare you my time anyway.”

“You don’t need to be a prick about it. Whatever, I’ll just— I’ll figure it out.” You stand up from your seat on the couch and gather your things quickly. You make your way towards the door, gripping the handle to fling it open. That is until a heavy hand slams onto the door and forces it to close with a thud.

“Did I say we were done?” That annoying, drone-like voice is far too close to your ear.

“Shouta, get off the door.”

“Answer the question.”

Ominous silence fills the room for several moments. You rest your forehead against the door, closing your eyes and exhaling.

“No.”

“‘No’ what?” You can practically feel his eyes boring holes into the side of your head. Your grip on the doorknob tightens almost as if to rip it off completely.

“No, you didn’t say we were done.”

“For a team lead, you’re not very perceptive.”

Your head snaps to the side, eyeing him down harshly. “The hell is that supposed to mean?” His gaze is void of emotion, eyes sunken in from the lack of sleep throughout the years. Corporate really got to him.

“To put it simply, you forget yourself. You take in no knowledge that is presented to you and when you do need assistance you demand it as if any of us owe you anything. Not to mention you show no respect towards your superiors.”

“You’re seriously just making things up at this point. What, I fuck up one time and now I don’t deserve to have help at all? And what are you even going on about? You and I both know I’m incredibly respectful to everyone in our department.”

“Everyone?”

“Everyone.”

For the first time during the entire conversation, he cracks a smile. A smug, shit eating grin like he knows something you don’t.

“Alright. Then prove it.”

“Prove what?” If looks could kill, Shouta Aizawa would be a dead man from the way you eye him down.

He raises a brow, a bored expression resting on his scruffy face. “Prove to me that you truly display respect. Address me as your superior.”

Your eye twitches, frustration and anger simmering below the surface of your skin.

“What, call you by your job title? Okay then ‘Project Manager.’ Happy?” Something in the way he looks at you shifts.

“I really wish you’d try harder. I’d hate to see you lose your job over something so trivial.”

“Is that a threat?”

His gaze bores into yours. It’s heavy like a warning. He just stands there, staring.

“It’s a concern.” His tone is serious. It’s like there’s something he knows that you don’t, and that pisses you off.

You straighten up, tugging on the doorknob to shake his arm off of the door. It falls back to his side, his cold eyes squint at you. You crack open the door.

“I don’t need your ‘concern’. I’ll do my job, you do yours.” And with that, you storm out of his office. He watches as you leave, a single brow raised. He crosses his arms and exhales deeply, shaking his head before striding back to his wooden desk.

#what should I turn this into #idk what im writing #aizawa is so fine tho #aizawa shouta #aizawa x reader #bnha shouta aizawa #bhna x reader

[scaredgirlsilly]

sad rant about an album i really like below the cut

butterflies drink turtle tears by human people is a deeply sad album, or it is to me at least. multiple songs have repeating choruses that amount to "please kill me", the whole album is kinda just a girl wailing about how all she does is get high and wish she was dead, even the instrumental parts of the songs drive home this feeling of just. feeling like absolute shit. its the type of sadness that makes you wail at 3 am that everything is awful and will never get better and it would just be great if a plane crashed into your house, but then you fall asleep and carry on to do the same thing and not change anything.

there is a reason why i like this album so much

this album has been with me through truly my lowest points in my life. i have played this album from the moment i woke up some days, desperately hoping that everything would just. stop. that being a functional person and just life in general is just too hard, and it would be better for everyone involved if i just died.

this album does not end with a happy message about how these feelings are wrong. it doesnt say anything about these feelings. it doesnt have a hopeful message at the end about how life gets better. it just lets them out. like bloodletting. just throwing these awful feelings into the void. maybe someone will connect with these feelings, the album seems to say, but it doesnt really matter cause i still feel like shit. it is an album that explores these feelings of depression and isolation from someone who has not figured it out. that connected with me (i wonder why)

just today i went to go look for the lyrics so i could sing along. i just looked up the album title and nothing else cause ive always read it as nonsense. just a jumble of words to go along with an album that is just a jumble of feelings. its kinda charming honestly.

then i saw this

and i immediately started crying

butterflies literally do drink turtle tears

im not sure why it hit me so much, but the idea that the name isnt just random words really affected me

i immediately told my dad, then my friend, then changed my discord status, and now im making this post

it feels... odd. almost out of place with what i imagined this album was as a piece of art. so many things clicked into place, or at least it felt like it. thinking about it now still makes me tear up

just. the idea that this album, pretty much 30 minutes of uninterrupted suicidal ideation and depression and isolation, an album that i have listened to on some of the worst days of my entire life, an album i relate to a scary amount. the idea that its named something so... hopeful. almost to say,

"we are here for you. people are here for you. you are not alone. if even a turtle has someone to wipe their tears away, then so do you.

and if you dont, let this album be that for you. let this be the butterflies that drink your tears when no one else will"

it really made me think about the album in a totally different light. go listen to it. its really good

#look at my posts boy #idk its just been on my mind all day

[lovebvni]

hey!! shiv here!! you’re so spot on it’s scary really!! i feel like you tapped into my brain for the reading. Let’s break this down!!

1. just be is my motto. When everything fails, i just fall back to this. Nothing to get, nothing to do. Just be. Never fails me. So i’m happy to know i’m on the right path🥹

2. i want my void to be pink in colour🤭 and i have been feeling really good while doing pysch-k?? helps me accept the fact entirely that i’ll enter/wake up in the void.

3. I keep myself entertained lol!!! before i attempt to tap in the void i listen to a bunch of songs to feel light and brush off the nerves and thoughts! sometimes i even like to imagine myself safe cuddled up in bed lol (can u tell i’m deprived of physical touch lol)

4. I’m really shocked how you could see the childhood aspect too cause my earliest memory of my life is my parents fighting and my mom being really upset and i remember the helpless feeling lingering on (cause she’d just look at me and cry when i’d ask her what’s wrong) when i enter the void, i’m not saying i want the perfect parents but just parents that are sort of easy to be around. I really am not my actual self around them. I’m always holding my breath around them. I have accepted the fact that i’m not gonna be one of those kids that have a close and emotionally safe connection w their parents. It’s okay. I just don’t want to feel the need like i’m constantly walking on eggshells around them and my mom to be more independent. These are the tweaks i think you were referring to? i wasn’t thinking about this aspect a lot but i guess during the day, i still have this thought at the back of my mind and maybe that’s why you picked it up?

ALSO TRIGGER WARNING: SA!!

idk if it was this but i was assaulted as a child by one of the family members and i was in two minds if i should revise it! i was bitter for soooo long. Hated men, i even stopped listening to male artists for a while. (it’s so weird but the aftermath of what happened to me as a child is showing up now as an adult) but i am done w all of that. I have made my peace with it and as much as i hate how cliche this is gonna sound but the kind of person i have turned out to be, i wouldn’t want to change it just to be “perfect” so i won’t be revising it. I’m sorry if this upset you or anyone.

I hope i can enter the void soon and share my success story with you (please send good energy my way lol, it’s just the thought that counts really🤭🫶🏼)

Big big love to anyone and everyone reading this and going through just about anything in life. If it’s great then i only hope it’s greater for you and if it’s going absolutely shite then i hope it gets less shittier by the second.

and lastly, i think you are really really good! i would love to support your work (when i can afford it) for real! i have never had such a crazy accurate reading before. So thank you🥹 Hope you’re doing good!!!

hii shiv!!! i’m soooo happy ur reading was accurate n resonated a lot!!

when i first typed the word ‘void’ i saw it as a purple colour, vende why it’s purple in ur reading, then as i went on, the more i thought, he more pink it became. i’m pretty sure i got a visual of it too — it’s so pretty <3 like seriously, if u see me in ur void, im just looking!!!

and with ur sa, there may be something you’re still holding onto with that, or some cleansing that should to be done in ur sacral chakra. as someone who went through something similar, literally js imagining good sexual experiences with someone u love helps…. like a lot 😭😭

and i’m always sending positive energy to everyone i get readings too!! i trust n believe u will enter the void soon and it’s gonna be HELLA fun for u <3 i love u sm!!! have fun!! <3

#abyss .reviews #void state #manifesation #manifesting #manifestations #manifestation #law of manifestation #manifest

[colourful-void]

I have finished Virtue's Last Reward!

what was that.

-

alright thoughts, here we go!

Im glad the time paradox thing was addressed, to my understanding it's like. the two branches diverge no matter what, but instead of living through the Good Branch, we're here on the Bad Branch. it's not going to cease to exist if Phi and Sigma and kyle??? can change the past, we're just fucked.

I'm with Tenmyouji! Junpei is never wrong I agree with him always. That is not the Akane Kurashiki i once knew. She is long gone. (spike chunsoft please bring her back)

This ending is so much more of a downer than the last one. I'm a little bummed out actually. Like I know Akane's telling me its up to me to save the world and everything but like. It's a narrative video game fuck the world man I want my little guys to be happy. 999 was weird as shit and has like. a higher active body body count (3 characters in game die no matter what as opposed to vlr's 0, but 7 billion if u count. the earth.), but despite all that? the ending feels hopeful. and then really weird because alice being there was such a jarring shift but like ignoring alice?? very good.

Actually, Akane talking to Kyle felt more like she was talking to me, Void, more than any other interaction in this entire game. "You want to know what happens between Dec24 and new years eve? then you have to go back. you have to do it." It's like a threat. What the hell akane. I do want to know. you're going to make me play another game but ur fucking right i do wanna know.

I'm glad that Tenmyouji and Quark will stay together. I love you Quark. I love you tenmyouji.

Seriously Phi explains jackshit.

Game thoughts as a whole! Uhh a little mixed? mixed! there's more I like than I dislike, but my thoughts are kind of. muddled a bit

A lot of things were frustrating (mainly puzzles) but a lot of things were really exciting (mainly story).

some puzzles were really exciting and fun (the whole archives, the lounge, the final cube puzzle, the pec door puzzles, the rec room) and some were really annoying (darts, most of the pantry, anything with a lot of math and cross referencing really). ((some of this is because im bad at puzzles!!)

Most of the story was really fun (All of Quark and Tenmyouji really, Luna's backstory, Dio's backstory i still hate him but its good, K's initial backstory just from his ending, going through the different endings and combinbing knowlege from em,) Some of it was really annoying (Sigma being gross to the girls, the weird radical 6 based contradictions, a significant portion of the ending though i dont feel fair making a full judgement on it because half of it still makes no sense to me and im not sure how much of this is sequel bait, the general sudden downer shift of it all)

menuing and q-o-l wise: i did get used to the sprites and menuing, though part of that comes from a shift to displaying it on my tv (the display darkens and softens it out a bit so its nicer,) and getting a controller (item tabbing!!!) though i never really ended up using the ingame notes past the first room. instead i took paper ntoes and my journal is a mess for it. i do have a very important complaint to raise re game display:

THE FUCKING MAP SECTIONS TAKE WAY TOO LONG!!!! unless you're already fastforwarding, it's really slow and there's no way to skip it! I know where the lounge is by now this is my 7th run but no i've gotta watch the little dot move all the way from the b floor warehouse and it's just really annoying. why was there not an option to just skip it. goddamn.

In review: im not sure what to think about vlr yet? It's definitely left me much more conflicted than 999, and I probably like 999 more overall. The twists in vlr were really fun and unexpected (favourites are the inital betrayal from alice turning into an ally, seeing k's mask come off, tenmyouji's picture of akane, the first time more stuff was added to the flowchart like that, seeing the moon and everything.) and there were a lot more of them, but i think the ones in 999 hit me harder, while there were fewer. (Learning akane was who died, learning ace's identity, when the dialouge switches to first person).

But i;ll be fair, I was probably always going to be biased towards 999? it's aesthetics are more my taste and while this sounds weird it's... a lot more down to earth than vlr? Vlr is really high concept and i feel like if I spend some time with it or look at stuff AROUND it i'll grow into it. but it's a lot more than i usually. swallow at once. im a weak man okay my brain can't handle it.

Vlr's ending much like it's beginning is gonna be one of those things i thing where at first im like 'fuck this' and then over time im going to really love it. I'm already liking it a lot more than I did like. 15 hours ago.

Will I play Zero Time Dilemma?

Well im curious where the story goes, but I'm also wondering like. Yes? Play it? or is like a 'play the first two and pretend zero time dilemma never happened' situation. my only interaction with the fandom of zero escape is whatever you all send me, and a meme of akane my brother once found.

Here's the part where I was gonna say that video games are expensive and I'd see based on ppl's reccomendations and pricing and how much I'd need to save whether and when i'd get it but like. i forgot steam summer sale is on and it's like. 9 dollars right now so I'll probably get it anyway.

still curious though, other people's opinions, please weigh in! do you think I'm being too harsh to vlr? is there something I haven't considered? do you need to play ZTD to really give VLR a fair shot? what are your favourite parts of vlr? did i completely fail to read something important in the game and its fucking my perception. should i go back and play those two endings that fuck over quark i avoided?

let me know!!

#void nonary play #vlr #zero escape #virtues last reward #zero escape fans thank u again for not bullying me out of the tag for yelling about it so much #vlr spoilers #999 spoilers

[definitelynotshouting]

OK! ANON HERE WITH THE FIRST ROUND OF ANALYSIS/SCREAMING INTO THE VOID. (I have more quotes but i dont want to overwhelm you and do them all at once)

-☀️

"This fantasy carries him through the rest of the night, past false dawn and into the early onset of staccato birdsong. Grian stares blearily at the bleeding warmth creeping in through the window; gentle golden hands that march over the floorboards and press their palms against the walls. They're less frenetic than the moonlight had been— the shadows here are dappled, innocent things, splaying over stripped bark and playing in the whorls within planks. They breathe depth into this tiny, wooden box, shifting slowly under daylight's cautious curve into the sky, until scintillating rays curl like shackles around his wrists."

- the word choice in this is just so masterful. It's so TENSE, Grian's emotions and thoughts are a complete mess, and this is mirrored even in how you describe the environment. It feels like nothing is safe, which is brilliant, because Grian's currently driving through life on a cord as thin as silk. Its the way even the birdsong is frantic and unsafe "staccato". The "gentle" hands that harden to "march" and "press". Things start out kindly, and then the words become harsh and cold, and this just perfectly reflects how mistrustful Grian is. Nothing makes sense to him; everything is out to get him.

-☀️

"Grian snorts without meaning to, then claps a hand over his mouth, something ugly coagulating in his heart. He doesn't deserve this kind of laughter, this reluctant amusement simmering in his chest. It burns him from the inside out, scorching the back of his throat; hot coals between clenched teeth. Grian inhales embers, exhales ash, and summons every spare ounce of willpower at his disposal to keep his voice from shaking."

- Oh, this. This hurts so much. I can talk about how bird boy's mental state is so poor he's even depraving himself of laughter, and how this is an extension of how he started out starving himself of food, then sleep, now laughter. The fire imagery here is so potent as well. He's burning himself from the inside out, which i feel like is such good imagery for what is actually happening: his code breaking apart. Mans IS literally coming apart from the inside. Ough

-☀️

"It's a pretty effect; it makes Grian's gut plummet all the way down to his lap."

- CRYING CRYING CRYING

- They know each other so well. Grian and Scar learnt each other's tells under the desert sun. He understands how tension and anger and sadness plays on Scar's face and body language when theyre in the games, and in those games everyone's emotions are caused by grian. But now theyre not even in the games and all grian can see is how HIS existence is hurting the people he loves most

-☀️

That's all im going to do for now. Thank you for tearing out my heart and smashing it on the pavement <3

(Also idk if you want me to leave an anon identifier? Maybe i can just stick with the ☀️ if no one else has taken it?)

HEY ANON. WHAT IF I CRIED AND SOBBED AND WEPT!!!!!! HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO !!!!!!!! /POS /POS /POS!!!!!!! LOSING MY MIND RN IM GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR SO EXCITEDLY THIS JUST MADE MY ENTIRE DAY

hooooly shit i cannot thank you enough this is so kind and wonderful and just!!!!!! listen i LIVE for people analyzing my writing bc i try to put SO MUCH into it, as much as i can possibly cram without oversaturating, and to see people pick up on this stuff is like being handed an immaculately wrapped present every single time. This is truly making my mind go crazy im so fucking happy rn oh my gods, thank you so much this is such an incredible treat

Im not sure if the sun emoji has been taken or not (i think i had another one a long time ago???? but im not sure if you're the same one or not djehdjdjr) but!!! Absolutely feel free to leave an emoji identifier, whatever you want!! :D i rlly enjoy seeing regulars in the inbox so absolutely feel free to do that if ur comfortable!!!!!

#shouting speaks #asks #compliments #hunger au #RAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH I GO CRAZY I GO STUPID!!!!!!! IM GRINNING SO FUCKKNG WIDE #long post #txt

[fiveapocalypse]

Hello!

Here to join in the party on childhood asks.

I'm wondering, what if after all this, Five gets to have a 2nd childhood? I get he is an adult in a teenagers body but think of all the things he never got to experience because of Reggie and the apocalypse!

Does someone take him to minigolf? The zoo? The aquarium? Disneyland? Does someone catch him up on pop culture? Is he that 15 year old that yells at adults while playing Fortnite?(probably not, but that idea amuses me)

Does he eat ice cream until he gets brain freeze? And tries to fix it with coffee?

Not just Five but all the siblings too. Maybe some of them already experienced some of that as adults but I could see Luther and Ben also missing out on all that and getting in on the fun of childhood 2.0.

Would love to hear your thoughts!

I NEVER SAW THIS IM SO SORRY!!

Okay, so I think this would DEFINITELY happen and I think that, Five going to the Aquarium would be the best bet. So here’s how it’s gonna go!

So here, five has been living with the his family for a while. He tried to calculate his age to try and void the adoption thing but ended up making himself even younger which was NOT a great thing.

After getting a break from her movies, Allison buys tickets to the aquarium and takes everyone there. Ben keeps getting teased about his “squid and octopus brethren” by Klaus, Luther is amazed at the sharks, Diego is curious at all the fish, Viktor is happy to be around and then there’s Five, who is unsure of what he should be doing because a part of him REALLY wants to do something… childish! But he can’t do that, it’s unbecoming, and weird.

Until Claire drags him to see something that is.

His niece is talking about all the fish and creatures and Five decides to correct her because he’s a massive marine biologist at heart. What he doesn’t understand is that Claire is purposely getting facts wrong to make Five actually do something instead of standing around. When Allison finds them, Five is in a whole discussion rant about jellyfish when she points behind him to see the biggest shark that’s in the Aquarium.

Likewise, Five has his entire face pressed up into the glass. You can imagine what happens from there, particularly the idea that his child impulses override his logic and two hours in, he’s standing on Luther’s shoulders and explaining to his family all about stingrays

#Monday posts #monday answers asks #aka-tua-braindump #the umbrella academy #five hargreeves #five hargreeves centric #five hargreeves the boy #allison hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #alternate universe #five hargreeves headcanons #diego hargreeves #viktor hargreeves #luther hargreeves #claire

[darubyprincx]

wait, whats twice? i know it's 1 of your fics but what's it about? sounds super interesting!

do you like xisuma? do you like evil xisuma? do you like it when people write those two as brothers? do you like your AUs fantasy style, your worlds built, and your fics entirely platonic?

then boy howdy, do i have the work for you!

twice is a thing we started at the start of winter 2021 and finished in january 2022. it's ~40,000 words long, features really neat things such as they/them pronouns for evil xisuma and also cool things like magic, and focuses on the relationship between one Xisuma B. Void, King of Hermit's Hollow, and one Xelqua Void, his younger... brother? who came into the world under less than the usual circumstances.

theres character foils! there's an omnipresent narrator who is heavily hinted to be the in-universe God of Fate! there's a scene where x gets turned into a turtle! there's also a direct link to the author's headspace, which the story is set in, but as long as you check out the post we linked at the end notes for the work you'll be fine

why would people perhaps be interested in this?

the EX in this story (known as Exy) actually does not start off evil at all and has a reason for [gestures vaguely] being an asshole i guess (their words)

according to at least several people, the prose is great and written really beautifully and also reads like a fairytale

theres funnies and seriouses

why would people be perhaps put off by this?

the fic has the major character death + graphic depictions of violence warning on it which all kicks in in the later stages of the fic

theres a couple indirect/direct references to self harm and suicide but the suicide is not permanent and the person whom it happens to gets better eventually. the major character death is also not permanent but the fic ends directly after it happens, so

oh yeah theres also a description of a panic attack somewhere in there. theres a decent bit

i was not kidding about the wordcount this is a Longe Boye

so yeah theres the work i ran out of words im very tired but here you go! happy reading (or not, if you so choose)!

#ray's tag #twice (fic) #answered

[cwarscars]

(( i’ve seen a lot of people lately on my dash going through rough times - i don’t entirely know the extent of each one, how you’re feeling or dealing with the situation. i haven’t reached out because of a combination of being ill lately (i’m feeling better now) and the grief still being pretty raw but,

 i want you to know that my askbox / ims / discord ( hanʕ ᵒ ᴥ ᵒʔ#3428 ) is always available should you need to chat. whether it’s screaming into the void, throwing a bunch of thoughts together, venting or just being distracted - you are absolutely and entirely welcome to come and talk to me. i will lend you an ear, i will try and offer advice (if wanted), i will lend you my virtual shoulder. 

lately, i know how it’s felt to grieve & i’ve come to realise that it’s a unique sort of sadness (different to depression but also...really similar) - i know it can feel like you look at your friends, family, online buddies, everyone & you might think ‘i don’t know /who/ i can speak to’ - well, as said, this is my post offering you that outlet. even if you want to write me an anonymous message unloading your thoughts, you can. i wont post or reply to it, i’ll save it or delete it if you want me to. just, i want you all to know that there’s a place here for you.

and for the peeps who aren’t going through anything right now, who are having the times of their lives or are getting good news. good. don’t feel guilty posting or gushing about it. don’t feel you can’t celebrate your accomplishments or good times because others aren’t doing too hot. it’s alright, we understand. we’re your mates or partners and all we want is for each to be content and be happy. 

so yeah, just keep it in mind. i might suck at replying to memes, general messages & plotting but if somebody needs to talk / vent / be upset / happy or anything else, i will absolutely listen to you & do my best to be there for you.

i’m sorry from the bottom of my heart that so many of my mutuals are suffering lately. my thoughts are absolutely with you all. ))

#(psa) #(ooc) #this has been hard lately #because while it's been four weeks now since my dad's passing im still in a rut #and ive been sleeping a lot and crashing and logging on and seeing others going through the same - fuck #ive felt such a mix of emotions lately and it's been incredibly raw so i want you to know like i /KNOW/ how you feel #i get it so hard and it hurts a lot #but you're not alone not for a second #and in terms of whether its grief or just a bad time or mental health or bad news #its all valid - you're allowed to be upset and you're allowed to scream about it #i always say 'rp is just a hobby' which it is but the people behind the screen? #real humans who need love and care #im with you guys

[saisons-en-enfer]

I spent an entire week clearing my head and thinking about things. Ultimately I felt really good and had another great therapy session. I’ve been happy so I thought “ok everything is ok now so maybe I should post on tumblr” as soon as I did I just immediately felt drained

I always knew tumblr disturbs my well being in some way but I could never explain what… maybe now I can

Perhaps it’s not wise to spend time on a space I most associate with my darkest time

Perhaps tumblr is just a comfort zone that I no longer find much joy in and instead it feels like a chore

Maybe tumblr is a substitute for the void I feel in my life socially, it’s good but it can never be a replacement of the real thing

Maybe tumblr is holding me back from realizing my full potential as a person; it’s something I always cling to when I could be spending my time actually putting myself out there… maybe it’s denying me actualizing the potential I know I have for my life to be what I want it to be

Maybe I put too much effort into tumblr only to feel (erroneously or not) that I’m not appreciated and seen

Perhaps I care way too much about strangers that I’ve never met and get emotionally attached to people I can never see in my life or never be able to change their circumstances no matter how much I yearn to

Perhaps tumblr much like other social media is a means for comparison and that kind of behaviour is so fucking poisonous to me, hence why deactivating my IG was such a blessing

Maybe I just want something more, something that I’ll never find here and will instead be left burning for it always

My 20’s are coming to an end, I suffered so much and for much of it I genuinely didn’t want to be alive, I’ve changed so fucking much but yet lost all that time anyways so maybe tumblr just naturally frustrates me; it’s furtively indicative of idleness something that I hate

I change so much and perhaps tumblr is the last remnant of cowardice left in my system that I need to remove

I had 3 accs and maybe for this acc im just exhausted with having to post to gain traction and besides im not even followed by half the people I was mutuals with in my old blog before I deleted and im not the type anymore to beg for things

I seriously can go on, it’s just not a good time for me anymore, much like Last.fm and RYM

So I’m going silent indefinitely… I wish I could just delete and move on with tumblr, something I’ve incessantly clung to forever, but unfortunately I do not have support systems in play when shit hits the fan, even though recently I’ve been so much better

But I’ll never forget the people showing me love and affection when I could never show myself any. Now that I can, it’s only right I use that momentum and move forward I want my life to be something I’m proud of it and unfortunately it’s nowhere near what I want it to be

I will just post one more song as an early celebration for New Years, again I suffered so much this year but I can finally say my suffering had purpose im just far more empathetic and compassionate towards myself, and I confessed the truth to myself and accept my nasty behaviours so that I can get rid of the forever

Anyways, see you around :)

[fauslayer]

I'm gonna say it, Faust

LETS GO BABY LOVE DA FAUMT

– Overall opinion of them

faust is my dear sweet guy. my srumple. my blorbus. whatever of those words you want to use but not in the fandom sense. he is deeply important to me and infinitely fascinating. he is kind and he is weird and he is your friend.

– Gender/sexuality headcanons

no matter what the sexuality part is i think A. he is nonbinary (i have proof of this or whatever) and B. he likes men

– Favorite moment in canon

this entire scene. the whole thing.

his voice cracking on the last part of that first screenshot, brought to tears while i-no lays in silence on the ground. does he let himself cry because he feels alone? because he is resolute? idk. there is a sense of himself healing in this scene for me. i like scenes where hes talking about being a doctor in a way that doesnt have the usual undertones of "im a doctor and thats all i am an anything else is a fluke", where he recognizes himself as a person with a lot of love to give.

also, the scene in the strive another story where ramlethal shuts down his plan to sacrifice himself for delilah by finally getting it through to him that hes precious cargo too; he is also a life to be saved, and him subsequently letting go of the him that bundled such resentment against himself for so many years. square one <3

– Favorite moment in a fanwork

GO HERE AND READ SPAGHETTIS FICS NOWWWWWWWWWW

if you want specific requests for faust stuff:

primum non nocere is a excellent dive into fausts perception of the parts of himself and it makes me cry like a little baby bitch i love you faumt most importantly i love you spag IM GOING TO FUCKING GET YOU!!!!!!!

trains in the depot is gorgeous post-ST another story calm. fuaaaa...

a doctor, a politician, and a cowboy walk into a desert... is perfect slapstick and perfect character piecing. i love goldlewis. i love goldlewis.

polyester coffin is part of the faust autism agenda, alongside being a wonderfully moody piece that cuts to the bone of his character and ends with loving catharsis towards his future.

i think i need to stop myself here bc im realizing now that im just going down the list essentially and that would be 27 recommendations so you should just click the link i gave you if youre reading this and GOD FUCK I DIDNT EVEN GET TO TALK ABOUT THE BEDMAN FIC CHAPTER WITH HIM OR JUST ANOTHER DAY OR INTO THE VOID OR HELPING HANDS GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO G

– Favorite line, in canon or otherwise

the "forgive me, i seem to have lost control" bit from xrd, as well as "lying is bad for your body, you know?" delivered in that certain lilt from the sign post-credits sequence between him and chronus. there are so many other lines that make me roll around and shout so this is just the ones i can think of but pweh pweh pweh pweh

– Characters I love seeing them interact with

SLAYER is the big one. from their interactions starting in x2 to their deeply personal (for fausts standards, especially) implied relationship (friendship or further) in xrd just really fucking gets to me. someone on the internet put it best with "Slayer is one of the few people capable of grabbing him by the arm, looking him in the eyes, and saying in a stern, yet caring voice, ’no. You are staying here. Rest.’ And it was a power he was happy to abuse."

other than that, his interactions with fanny in petit are INCREDIBLY fun (she doesnt like him but i totally think they could start an actual friendship in the future once shes done despairing), and of course ZAPPA my MEGASCRUNKLE i LOVE whenever they get to be in the same room.

his interactions with baiken, testament, and potemkin also make me weh cry i love guilty gear

– Last thing before sleeping headcanons

i think as of strive hes trying to be a little more gentle with himself before sleep. actually nestling down his stuff and tucking himself in and everything. I do not think he did that before. i think he slept on the ground and felt bad about anything else unless it was his rinky dink clinic that got burnt down in ggx.

– Sleeping habits headcanons

pre strive: doesnt sleep a lot, usually only out of exhaustion. wants to fall asleep as FAST as he can (fainting is good for this) because he doesnt like being alone w/his thoughts before it happens. nightmares flare up randomly but are better around xx.

post strive: likes big, fluffy nonsense and is getting better at admitting this to himself. loves soft and silky textures so at the very least hes buying a nice blanket to carry around. trying to follow his own sleep advice, but does often find himself lacking still. sleeping habits are just things that are hard to fix.

all the time: man sleeps like an Embryo. his back is so unbelievably fucked up from everything, whether it be his build or his posture, and his sleep is definitely a big wedge. hes as stiff as a rock when he sleeps.

– First thing after waking up headcanons

pre strive: guy who hypes himself up by saying "keep going bitch!" in different accents in the mirror and one day its gonna work. basically just gets dressed, sorts his supplies and gets on his way for another exciting day of Earth

post strive: gets himself a little more leg room, maybe some actual breakfast. its easier to sleep and be comfortable in a bed when you are in a nice place and/or have sleeping clothes and dont wear your dress pants and shirt to bed (xrd).

all the time: he has comical striped old man pajamas with the bauble hat and everything but they only seem to be on when its funny for him to have them. hes an enigma. guy who sleeps in boxers and a big shirt when applicable tho.

– Favorite locations headcanon

faust loves the world AND the people in it, but in my head i always think of him with like. a specific attraction to festivals. maybe its like. this old fanart i saw of him just towering over a traditional festival ground and having all the lights reflecting on him, but i think those kinds of energetic spaces would both compliment his silliness and also give him an opportunity for stillness, in that he can let the world around him keep spinning and laughing and for once, simply bask in it. that kinda stuff.

thank you dearly for the question! i cat kiss gif you

#guilty gear #long post #faust #asks