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iviarellereads · 4 months

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My reasons for reading the Wheel of Time

Are you unsure about reading the Wheel of Time? Whether or not you read along with my blog project (explainer here and WOT link index here), this post may be for you!

If you don't want any spoilers before experiencing it yourself, I will just say: watch the first two seasons of the TV show, first. The adaptation changes a lot of the details, but the show is taking elements Robert Jordan wrote 30 years ago, more than a generation removed from today's sensibilities, and he changed his mind on a lot of things as he went on. Rafe Judkins is doing an incredible job of adapting to accommodate changing sensibilities/expectations, a change in medium, and the things RJ didn't decide to make part of his world until later books.

If you don't mind some light expectation-setting spoilers, I'm going to lay out why I love the Wheel of Time, some reasons to pick back up and/or keep going with the series if you ever started and fell off, as well as content notes by way of the downsides so you know what you're getting into.

I can't say whether any of my cons will be dealbreakers for you, or if the pros will make it worth the cons for any individual reader. All I can say is, knowing the bad, I still reread this series because it was worth it for me, and a lot of folks like me agree. If you don't think you can do it, full respect, hopefully I'll see you when I take breaks from this series. 🫡

My rationale

This is probably one of the dearest stories to my heart, and the one that I started refining this format with. I've been in this fandom for almost 15 years, and I wouldn't trade… well, maybe a second of it, but not much.

One of the most chunky fantasy series that exists, the Wheel of Time was begun in the late 1980s by Robert Jordan. When he passed in 2007, his wife and editor chose Brandon Sanderson to complete what they thought would be the final book (but ended up being three books) series with the help of extensive notes he left behind about his intentions for the story.

Even though it's over 30 years old, and there have been active discussion communities on just about all the social interactive platforms you can think of in that time, the Wheel of Time lacks a lot of spoiler-free resources. There are a couple of attempts to make spoiler-free wikis, but they just can't ever quite compare to the full-spoiler ones. There are Discord servers with first-time-reader channels, but not a lot of options for double checking what's safe to say at any given point for full-readers, OR ways for first-time readers to double check information, like if they think they misheard something, without asking and potentially getting spoiled by someone who misinterprets.

So, besides having keyword searchable notes for myself, my ultimate purpose in creating my notes in the first place is to help folks who haven't read the books, to have access to that sort of summary without having to search and get major later-plot spoilers. And since that led to everything else that led to this blog, I think it's only appropriate that I do, eventually, revise my notes and post them here.

I will probably be taking breaks between books. Most of the books in this series have 40, even 50+ chapters. I've already gone and entered it in my Google calendar for tracking (are you really surprised I do that?) and the first book will take me two and a half months to cover, all by itself, though the chapters only average out to ~15 pages each. We're going to be here at least 3 years, and with breaks between more like 4 or 5. Even so, I think it's right for me to do this one more time.

The Pros:

WIDE cast of characters, including women who get their own deep personalities, motivations, and arcs. Women are often in compare-and-contrast mirrors to men's similar experiences happening in parallel, and only rarely rewards or prizes to be won. (Caveat: even some people who have read the series may scoff at this one, but part of my efforts will be to help make the subtextual things a little more noticeable, because a LOT of character is in the subtext in these books because of the close-third unreliable narrator effect. It's fair to interpret them more shallowly, hell I used to, but then I started looking deeper and found so much more than I expected.)

Setup, foreshadowing, and payoff. Many plot seeds are planted, nurtured, and harvested at perfect ripeness. RJ was a conoisseur of foreshadowing in the subtext, text, and supertext of the story, and when each was most appropriate. Many of the old web rings, forums, and fan sites are long, long dead, but I can attest that this series does some absolutely incredible work with giving readers plenty of information to theorycraft widely and wildly. One particularly (in)famous mystery lasted 8 books across 17 years, and that's not even the longest one, just the easiest for us to point at.

Rarely introducing a new character where an old one will do. While there are over 2700 named characters, a lot of comparable stories would have near doubled that to tell this much story. It's really fun to see names pop back up in unexpected places, and track people who don't get POVs across the world as they say hello from different places and nudge the background plot along.

Evil is no simple thing. It's kind of a spoiler, yes, but I think it's fair when you look at the landscape in which it was written, and if we have a different standard today, it's due in no small part to the Wheel of Time's influence. The 80s and 90s in the fantasy corner of the publishing industry were not bastions of moral complexity. The Wheel of Time has the big literal supernatural capital-e Evil, and the humans who sign on to support it for their myriad reasons, but there are also multiple acknowledged human evils in opposition to it. The heroes and villains get a similar treatment of depth. Some people are nearer to the unquestioned poles of Good or Evil, but your fave is probably a war criminal at some point either way. This story goes on for 14 books plus a prequel, and that sort of simplicity doesn't inspire the sort of deep fandom these have. Nobody is as shallow as they seem at first glance, and most long-time fans have faves in the Light, the Dark, and everywhere in between.

Unreliable narration means there's a LOT more to this series than a surface reading indicates. There's a lot to the surface reading, and there's nothing wrong with it, unless you count "you don't really, fully understand a lot of the characters until you understand the discrepancies between their thoughts and their actions". My first reading was completely superficial and I still had a blast. But my second, and third? Especially after interacting with more of the fandom and honing my skills at media analysis, there's SO much more there to discover. Hopefully this read will help surface-readers get a bit more of the deep understanding, and if your surface reading previously felt unsatisfying or left you hating a lot of the characters, maybe this will help you better appreciate what's going on.

The Cons:

The sexism and gender binary. Gonna level with you, there's a lot of very heteronormative and gender essentialist vibes in here. It's cis binary genders only (with a singular terrible exception we'll deal with when we get to, but know that it's coming and it's handled pretty dreadfully even though you could give it a more charitable reading if you wanted to) and no matter the country or culture they're from, women and men each have very strange ideas about what the other gender is about. Robert Jordan was a US Southern cishet baby boomer Vietnam veteran, he almost certainly had some really unhinged ideas about gender relations. (Why it's not as much a con: two reasons. First, see unreliable narration above. Second, I think that one of the themes that really gets missed by a lot, a LOT of readers is that imposing binaries divides and weakens us. I will be exploring this whenever I remember that it's relevant to talk about and you may get real sick of it by the end. But, I think a lot of RJ's writing in this direction was intentionally drawing attention to how destructive it is. It's just never really stated out loud, it's once again in the subtext, and it doesn't always land the way I think he hoped. I promise, I will have the citations to back up my assertion by the end.)

Queerness: none good. There's one sweet sapphic relationship which is relegated to "gay until graduation" status at what amounts to a girls only boarding school, and never spoken of again except as friendship. In the encyclopedias, the characters in it are explicitly defined as straight. There are several lifelong lesbians who are explicitly one or the other of the kinds of evil. There's the one singular bad trans rep character. After the Sanderson portions start, there's one man who's said to be gay. RJ maintained in interviews that of course gay people existed, the story just wasn't any of theirs, which still burns me. (The show is making this MUCH better. I genuinely had faith in Rafe Judkins's adaptation after something he does in season 1 in this vein, and I have zero problem adding a little queer goggle view to all the interactions.)

We go six books where sexual assault is barely a concern, then get a handful of them all back to back in one book, with a few more sprinkled through afterward. There's a particularly troubling one against a male main character that a lot of the fandom doesn't even acknowledge as having happened. I'm not even gonna try to defend this, it's inexcusable, and if I'd known, I might not have read it, even if it's one of my favourite stories today. (Hashtag Please Fix It In The Show Rafe Judkins.)

The start is rough. The first book is very much a Lord of the Rings homage, where RJ hopes you'll see the places he diverges and stay along for the ride as he defies the standard fantasy outline of his day. The "come play with me in this space" of it means there are a number of potentially really interesting things that are just abandoned and never mentioned again, in alongside the things that were refined along the way. I won't always point these out because spoilers, but it's good to be prepared for some level of disappointment that the thing you want to see explored, isn't. (And hey, you can always explore it in fanfiction!)

And the series remained a work in progress to the end. RJ always thought he was just two or three books from done, ever since book 3. He wrote book 11 believing there would be just one more after it, but after his passing, his wife/editor Harriet McDougal, Brandon Sanderson, and the rest of what we call "Team Jordan" decided there was no way to fit what was in his notes into a single book, so they split it into the final three (books 12-14). So, sometimes things will feel like they're hurtling toward a destination that you know, from the rest of the stack, has to be several books off for a satisfying arc of it. Alls I can say is, at least we know the series has an end that it seems most people who reached it found fairly satisfying.

Adjacent to this, The Slog. There's a plot slowdown in the middle, not unlike the "middle of a trilogy" problem but it goes on for, at least for some readers and by some reckoning, 6 of the 14 books. Readers who like a fairly dry focus on politics and subtle character interaction more than plot will find this less painful. Readers like myself who need a plot to keep us hooked and moving forward will feel like the series drags its wheels in the mud for a couple thousand pages. This is anecdotally where a lot of readers quit the series, and they often cite this as a main reason. I can promise you the ending is worth the Slog to get there, if you're like me. But, my notes go from over 100 pages in Google Docs for book 4, to 57 for book 5, and just 12 pages for book 10, if you want a comparison of how thin the plot gets. (A lot of long-time readers will try to gaslight me about this, because they come out of the woodwork every time it comes up, and I'm telling you now: that's a great way to get blocked, because I have the receipts. I'm not saying the slog exists as a moral judgement against it or anyone who likes it. I'm literally just stating provable fact that the plot slows down and at least this reader feels it really hard.)

#blog housekeeping #wheel of time #the wheel of time #wot #twot

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thewarriorspecial · 9 months

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Greenhill Chapter 7

*Archive Edition* Previously only linked to AO3, full work now available under the cut.

Read on AO3

Rating: Teen | Guy Gardner/Kyle Rayner, Hal Jordan, John Stewart, Dinah Lance, Oliver Queen, Wally West, Katma Tui

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence

A little something special for @hobicat!

The interpersonal drama continues to unfold at the table and Guy gets his spy gear out.

It's here it's finally here!! I deed it!!

Guy watched as Kyle lowered himself into a seat at the table. Kyle fiddled with the silverware roll, opened it. He pulled out the knife first because of course he did. No surprises tonight, Guy thought as he turned on the recorder he had hidden in his sweater vest. He folded his fingers under his chin as he studied Kyle’s movements scrupulously. He’d play back the audio to listen carefully for any other telling inflections in his speech that he might’ve missed as he professionally navigated the sometimes hostile waters of a coworkers’ night out. I’m in my silver fox James Bond era, Guy smiled to himself.

Kyle fiddled with the butter knife as he thought both of his painting knife at home where he’d be far more comfortable and also of the fact that for many years his mother forbade him using an actual knife at the table after too many dinner theater tragedies. Kyle had learned early in his life that he did not possess the full body dexterity to become an actual fruit ninja and that was not an actual job. Kyle faked a bright smile at his quiet coworkers. What have I gotten myself into, he thought

“So,” Carol said, finally breaking the silence, “Not a vampire fan, John?”

“Ah, no. Just not my thing. Too much D&D in the past, I guess.” John replied with a shrug.

“Paladin?” Guy asked.

“Always.” John answered.

“Knew it.” Guy said with great conviction, banging his fist on the table. He’d have all his coworkers figured out by the end of the night.

“What exactly is D&D, anyways?” Carol asked.

Hal gently touched the place where his glasses used to rest, and then suavely pushed his bangs out of his face, “Well, it’s a tabletop role-playing game, or TTRPG for short—“

Ah, fuck. Here we go, Guy thought with a fake smile as he started looking around for the waiter. As his eyes scanned the area, he caught Kyle returning the same already-tired smile. He liked the kid more by the minute. Shame he was a criminal. Which was also, admittedly, kinda hot.

A young girl with multi-colored hair and facial piercings greets their table with exuberant friendliness. She talks extensively with John and Carol. Guy knows her face but can’t think of her name. She was likely an upperclassman, then. The trio nattered on, unpressed for time as Guy’s knuckles whitened on the back of the empty chair next to him.

Kyle pulled out his phone and started texting someone. Guy could almost read the texts in the mirrored lampshade behind him. He cursed his old crusty eyes and wondered if he could somehow use the selfie stick to get a good look at the screen without being too obvious. He reached into his pocket and slowly, obviously pulled the thing out. As curious eyes fell on him, he pretended to scratch his back with it, “Carry on. Just…itchin’” Guy said with a weak laugh. As the chatter—which is to say info-dump via Hal—carried on, Guy put on a show of seeming to examine the selfie stick with great concern. He held it up in the air, trying to find an angle that would allow him to see what Kyle was typing.

Unfortunately, the support of the selfie stick was painted a dark color and even less reflective than the lampshade. To Guy’s cloudy eyes, it appeared that the letters WOWanBAB were in the text bar at the top of Kyle’s screen. If the text is mirrored that means it’s upside down! Guy rationalized. As his brain made the Windows fail sound he thought, Mom and Dad?! But aren’t they…? Is it someone else’s Mom and Dad? Is he seeing someone?! Fuck! Not that it mattered because Kyle was a criminal. And this investigation was absolutely about protecting the students. From this dangerous, hot, bad criminal man.

“Ow! What?!” Guy exclaimed suddenly, again interrupting Hal’s attempt to woo Carol with his knowledge of emotionally mature Dungeon Mastering.

“Tst!” John made the sharp sound as he kicked Guy’s foot under the able a second time.

“What?” Guy stage whispered.

You know what. Stop it, said John’s Eyebrow of Paternal Disappointment (emotional damage +5)

“So issat like, your mom, or—“ Guy asked, impatiently waving his hands towards Kyle’s phone, hoping to get the conversation back on track and away from Nerds and Virgins or whatever.

“Oh,” Kyle smiled sadly, “No. No my mother passed away.”

Guy made a noise somewhere between choking on a chicken bone and being hit by a truck. John’s lips pressed together as he tucked his chin to his chest and raised both of his disappointed eyebrows even higher. Now look what you’ve done.

“Ow!” Guy exclaimed as a flank attack struck from Hal’s side of the table.

“Its okay! Really!” Kyle raised his hands in supplication, “It was a long time ago. I’m fine.”

“Hardly appropriate dinner conversation,” Hal said.

“Ooh, what’s inappropriate?” Their server reappeared, a full tray of their orders perched over her shoulder.

“Well, Guy’s put his foot in his mouth I think,” Carol offered.

“He went and asked about poor Kyle’s dead mother!” Hal was offended.

“It’s okay, really. I brought it up!”

“Yeah he brought it up!”

“Oof,” said their server as she quietly passed out their plates.

“He brought—! Alan. How you been? You got anything you wanna add, here?”

“Not at all,” Alan said, bringing his drink to his lips and taking a long, luxurious sip. “I’m enjoying watching you fine, young people exercise your conflict resolution skills.”

“Guy’s could use a little work,” Hal snipped.

Guy’s ears turned as red as his hair as he folded the selfie stick back to pocket size and returned it to his secret spy pocket. Mission Failed, clearly.

“It’s okay, honest. I don’t get to talk about her much. Most people are too afraid to ask.” Kyle rested his warm hand over Guy’s sweaty knuckles. The Defensive Debuff hit home as Guy began to fully blush and sweat. He whipped his gaze over to John, his rock, who rolled a nat twenty on the second Eyebrow attack. Critical damage. Guy swallowed heavily, mouth dry, speechless. He should’ve never multi-classed into Rogue. “My mom was really cool. I miss her every day,” Kyle continued. He pulled his hand back to brush his hair behind his ear, “I wish you could’ve had the chance to meet her.” Kyle looks down for a moment and something else bumps Guy under the table, but pain-free this time. Kyle’s knee. Kyle’s knee. Kyle’s knee. When Kyle’s big, sad brown eyes find their way back to Guy’s it’s direct Constitution damage. Guy wants to wrap him in a blanket and drive him home. “I was just texting Wally. I didn’t mean to be rude.”

“It’s on me, buddy.” Guy stammered. He dearly wished he had his Oakleys to hide behind. “My bad. We still cool?”

“Of course.” Kyle’s smile is bright and devastating. Guy wonders if he’s the kind of monster that sparkles in the sunlight. Maybe it’ll all be okay? Just a little peril?

Everyone resumed eating and Hal resumed telling the Tale of Games Past That No One Asked About. Carol’s smile is thinly polite. Hal barreled on in his futile attempt to make her laugh or maybe even impress her. He switched tracks, insisting on the Much Cooler Time He Was One Of The Knights At The Renaissance Festival. This captured her interest but not for the reason he had hoped. After all these years Hal remained unable to discern actual interest from confused horror.

“Wow,” said Carol, “That’s crazy.”

“So,” Kyle said softly to Alan, “History, right?”

“Unfortunately,” Alan grumbled as he took full advantage of Guy’s stun-lock to continue pilfering fries from his plate.

“Alan’s been teaching for us since the school opened,” John offered, “Anyone could understand he’s a little tired or bored maybe?”

“I’m just old.”

“Maybe you can find a new way to present the material? Or tread new tracks so to speak? Novelty really keeps kids invested.” Kyle beamed with his idea.

Guy tried not to melt. He loved the kid’s enthusiasm.

“Kyle, it’s History. It’s not new.”

“Maybe you could use a little somethin’ new, pops. Might put some spring in your step,” said Guy.

“It won’t.”

“With respect,” Kyle began carefully, “You can’t possibly know everything there is to know about your subject.”

“I do. I was there. I remember.”

“You’re not…that old?” John wondered.

“The things I remember would curl your back hair, boy.”

Oh no, the warning bells went off in John’s mind, not the Nazis. No one wants to talk about the Nazis over dinner.

“You ever climb a bridge to dismantle a mine under heavy artillery fi—“

“Oh! Look!” Hal suddenly interjected, “They have tapioca pudding here. See?” He shoved the dessert menu in Alan’s direction.

“Ooh,” Alan cooed, placated for the moment. The only thing he loved more than bitching about Nazis and pontificating about the brutalities of war was tapioca pudding.

A loud crash near the door grabbed everyone’s attention.

“Ah, fu—shticks! My bad!” Wally appeared directly in the path of the waitress, sending most of her dessert tray clattering to the ground. Kyle noticed, as Wally caught several of the glasses with incredible speed, he seemed to choose to let a few fall to the ground. It happened so fast. Maybe Wally was just very agile. Maybe he was an athlete as well. “Here, chief,” Wally held his credit card out over the bar, towards Radu, “Just ring it up. I gotta watch where I’m going.”

“Oh Wally!” Radu cried, “No trouble at all for one of my favorite customers!”

“You’re too good to me, man.” Wally said over his shoulder as he approached the table. “Sorry I’m late guys.” He took a chair from another table, behind Hal and Carol, even though there were two empty seats next to Kyle. “‘Scuse me real quick,” he said as he grabbed the back of Hal’s chair and slid him away from Carol, making room for himself.

“Hey!” Hal shouted, the picture of indignant.

“Did you see Tru Blood last night?” Wally asked, sitting backwards in his chair and fully turning his back to Hal.

Carol lit up, clapping her hands, “Oh I did! It was so good! I loved when—“

“Aren’t you married?” Hal hissed at Wally’s back.

“Ew!” Wally snapped, whipping around suddenly and at an odd angle like an owl. “Don’t interrupt! It’s rude. Anyways.”

Hal harrumphed and sunk down in his chair.

“So, tapioca is your favorite?” Kyle asked.

“It is. One of my earliest memories.” Alan said, chewing thoughtfully.

“Oh?” Kyle tried to press for more detail. He let Alan slowly share some of his oldest memories—happy and full of detail of his childhood home.

Guy caught Hal’s gaze and jerked his chin up once, You okay?

The one corner of Hal’s mouth pulled downwards and he shrugged one shoulder, Yeah I guess so.

Guy stabbed his fork into his apparently child’s size portion of fries. He stuffed them into his mouth and nodded sharply, At least the food’s good.

Hal nodded in agreement, taking one of his chicken tenders off of his plate with his hand and breaking it in half.

They watched as Wally dumped dessert after dessert into his face while Carol gushed about the TV show. Something was off about that guy. He seemed way more nervous than usual and he kept looking at his watch. He stood up suddenly, “Hold that thought,” He said to Carol, almost too fast to understand, “Gotta use the bathroom. Berightback!”

Kyle was still in rapt fascination with Alan’s story. John was concentrating on his Boba hunting experience. Carol chose this moment to use the restroom as well. Hal huffed again.

Guy looked from Kyle back to Hal, a concerned expression on his face. He raised his eyebrows, tilted his head to the side, pointed one finger from his folded hands at Kyle as he jerked his head in the opposite direction and then made a steeple with his two index fingers. You don’t think she’s still in the house?

Hals lips flattened in a grimace. His eyebrows furrowed and he nodded his head towards Guy. He unfolded his hands, flattening his palms in parallel like he was showing a measurement. His eyes widened to accentuate the size. He then curved his fingers and touched the tips together. You're being a huge asshole.

Alan smiled as he watched the silent conversation unfold. He was the only other person at the table who was also versed in bitches’ cant. He also noticed that Wallace hadn’t gone to the restroom at all. He had vanished out of the skate park door. And at an incredible speed. Perhaps he wasn’t the only one with interesting powers. Something was indeed afoot at Radu’s Cafe.

#*myfic #guykyle #highschool au

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o-craven-canto · 1 year

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Ea, Our Second Chance (11)

11. The early days

(Index)

(< 10c. Eucytobionta, biotechnology > 12. Species study: the Kurukshetran springbear)

Dawn on the dunes south of the Dagon Sea. (original link)

« If there is such a thing as a fixed and final truth beyond the kaleidoscope of phenomena, it's not any more reachable by scientists than by mystics. If you judge hypotheses by their effect upon the world, which fares better than a Hypothesis that gives us courage in the face of danger, comfort in the face of bereavement, hope in the face of uncertainty, and compassion in the face of cruelty? Is it not far more useful, and far more elegant, than any idea about recursive generative networks or cuprophyte remediation? » – Yakub of Lilongwe, Mere Humanity

« ... The old wizard adjusted his cap and sighed wearily. "Ah, my good boy," professor Kenner said, "I fear it's time to give you news, a good one and a bad one, as the ancient saying goes". Jordan steeled himself for yet another frightful revelation. "Start from the bad one," he said more curtly than he'd wished. Professor Kenner declared, as if reading from a tombstone: "The Universe cares not one whit about you." "... Is that all? What about the good one?" Kenner was quiet for a heartbeat. "The Universe cares not one whit about you," he repeated, his countenance changed into a smile behind the hoary beard. » – Jordan Weaver and the Warp of Reality, book 1, chapter 78, Didactic Edition

« Perform your task as if the life of your children depends on it – because it does. » – attributed to architect Yevgeny Kantorovich, circumstances unknown

« Luis Perez (general worker, Pod 37): The first thing we did, the first we did as a group, that first evening, was to pay respect to the dead. Those who had wasted away in their bed between the stars, all the people on the destroyed pods, the few, thank God, who had died in that landing. Solomon broadcast a Swahili prayer to all pods. I said a quick Eternal Rest. Then we went on to inflate the domes, that we could have some room to eat and sleep, and plan the next days. Those who couldn't, because their pod was upside-down, or in rocks, brought out the sealed tents. And so we slept, and we dreamed, and not a single person who was there could tell you what they dreamt, but we awoke with drenched sheets. The pod officers gave us directions for the day. We would scout the surroundings, check the inventory, plug the generators, build and charge the rovers. I saw the flagbugs, scurrying in the sand, and I'd swear they were looking at us with curiosity. What were we to them? Strange giants, fallen from the sky.

Will Maddox (security, Pod 22): I was only 19 when I signed up with the Ark. I figured myself this hardened space-marine tearing a way through tentacled monsters... They put me on guard duty outside of Pod 22, I think now that's the outskirts of Landing Point, but back then it was pure wilderness. I stood for hours in the freezing rain with a dripping coat while the people inside fixed broken pipes or dissected alien plants or whatnot. By then we already knew about scissorwolves and balloon plants – I was so damn jumpy, our torches lit up nothing but the rain, hell knows what was out there. I'd been used to taking care of myself since the flood of Miami, and I didn't mind taking care of someone else for once, but even so... Rain and darkness. I still dream about the flare lights, the cones of raindrops turning white all around. When we started exploring the forest I volunteered to guard rovers. At least I got to move my legs, you know? By day it was fun, but the night was even worse than at the pod, those red trees like rotten teeth, the screechsloths chattering right above our head all night long. I didn't feel bad when that patch of forest was burned down.

Qasem Yahya (general worker, Pod 40): I've never been very pious myself, but I did find myself interested in the debate about the qibla. Bowing toward the Solar System would have been the obvious choice – and a very romantic one, but we didn't know where that was, either. Eventually our imam declared that the Ark, floating in the sky, counted as part of Earth, and therefore its direction was the direction of Mecca. People today are astonished that we worried about such things when there was so much vital work to do. I think we suddenly had a desperate desire to feel connected with the heritage of Earth. I had never prayed with such fervor, before the voyage. I saw Jews that had never learned a word of Hebrew suddenly become very punctilious about the Shabbath, and two-days-a-year Catholics decide that crickets count as meat and can't be eaten on Friday. Of course we realized that, even if we accepted the Ark's arbitrary calendar, without our Sun and Moon there is no Shabbath, there is no Easter, and there is no Ramadan. Everything had to be redefined.

Francesca Grassi (psychologist, Pod 88): We'd come here in the greatest triumph of science and will; and we found ourselves plunged back into the stone age. Not in matters of tools or energy sources, but inwardly. The world was once again a vast and incomprehensible place, haunted by spirits and monsters. A dream. We established rituals and built hierarchies, we who had come under the insignia of rationality and solidarity, so that we could find a place for ourselves. Samirowa was our chieftain, the scientists were shamans, trying so desperately to figure out the rules of processes whose inner machinations we still don't understand; and also giving us what we lacked on Earth, a common purpose, a direction in which to walk together. It's a time of legends, and it will be a time of myths, as soon as the last Earthborn ceases to breathe. So many things we hold as normal – companion crickets, the Landing Week fast, the fear of 79 – stayed with us for no other reason than they happened in the Early Years.

Bethany Marr (general worker, Pod 58): Kids today don't believe that we could be bored, with all the dangers around us! But that's the thing, danger was too persistent, too spread out to keep our attention. I've seen people bet their rations on cricket fights... I've seen them get drunk on isopropanol and go have sex behind the algal pipes. The pods were cramped as you wouldn't believe, it's a miracle people didn't go mad more often. You know the horror stories of Pod 79. We jumped at the chance of shoveling rubble out of the rovers' way so that we could put on an exosuit and stretch our legs outside. I'd been a navigation officer on the Ark, and now I had nothing better to do than that. But sometimes, just sometimes it could be beautiful. We had a glass bottle in our pod, Pod 58 that was, filled with Ean pond water, and a lens projecting micro-images on a white sheet. We'd sit in front of it, at look at the little hairy wheels and funnels, the hourglass-shapes, the red algae going around. Sometimes we'd play music, and, would you believe it, the little things swam differently when they heard it. One of the writers of Nektonia, you know the show?, was there, and I like to think he took inspiration from it.

Robert Gautier (general physician, Pod 15): I remember receiving a radio call from Pod One... They said, There is cholera in Pod 41, can you help? Back on Earth, I was a random physician in a child hospital in Montpellier. Here, apparently, I was the world's foremost expert on diarrhoic diseases. Turns out a filter had broken in that pod's recycler, and people had been drinking each other's waste for days. It was a dreadful scene when I got there, and it was spreading in all the Landing Point complex. I think there was amoebic disentery mixed in with that. Can you imagine going to another planet, crossing interstellar space, only to die of cholera? Not even some strange alien disease – of course very few Ean pathogens have any effect at all on humans – but the same cholera that killed people in Paris in 1800. Now, diarrhoic diseases generally kill by dehydration; if you can reintegrate water and salts fast enough, they're not very dangerous. I'd seen that in Hazaristan with Médecins Sans Frontières. We had fewer people to treat now, and higher-quality tools, but less raw materials and redundancy. In the end, we lost very few.

Artyom Vasilyev (personnel manager, Pod 36): A question that came up very soon, no matter how much we had hoped it wouldn't, was how to deal with troublemakers. We were always hungry, always tired, always afraid; we had lost every connection to the greater humanity; people from every part of the world were thrown into cramped quarters and got on each other's nerves. Often someone would try to steal food from the common reserves, or hide and rest during a work turn. There were quarrels, even murders. And it was hard to find the truth, because every pod had its own cliques. What, then? We didn't have the room or resources to lock people up. Even in cases of murder, the Commander wouldn't authorize execution – we were too few to spare. Our first measure, if you fucked up, was to lock you out of the pods in an exosuit for a night, and it would be the most terrifying night of your life. If that didn't set you straight, we'd tie you to a bench and a pod-mate, picked at random, would beat you with a PVC pipe. It was only fair. That did bring back some order at least; though I think people were more afraid to give the cane strikes than to receive them.

Masami Kato (botanicist, Pod 75): That was the first time we tried growing plants outside, in open air. The winter cold was over, and we figured the high CO2 would be good for them, though we still used Earth soil. A wide trench filled, I think, with soil from Ukraine, to grow potatoes and carrots, the strains from Cordovero's labs. We kept discussing its composition, not enough microfungi, too many mites, the wrong kind of earthworms. The earthworms were just fine, actually, but we had defrosted them too recently and wouldn't dig properly yet. The first crop was a disaster, an Ean parasite had infiltrated the soil. The leaves looked crusted with ice, but it was actually all parasite growth, tiny needle-like cell capsules like ice crystals. That was our first encounter with frostblight. By some miracle, exactly one potato plant survived unharmed. Have you seen the photo of the one green sprout in the mid of the rotting field? My friend Taro Iwata took it. The gloved hand is mine.

Deniz Uyanik (machinery specialist, Pod 31): WeltraumStahl was working us to the bone so that they could win the UN contract to build the shields of the Ark. Dohrn fought like a tiger for us, back then. I think when they "offered" us our places on the Ark was just to get rid of us, the ones who made too much noise. She practically had to be dragged on the shuttle kicking and screaming. I'll say, though... it felt good when I saw the molten steel pour from the converter once again. It's not like work was easier up here – I lost several friends when we pulled up our steelworks. We had no sick days. Look at this burn on my face; I had to bandage it up and go back to work the same day. And Commander Samirowa didn't take a "no" any better than the old bosses. But we were all in there together, you know? If something went wrong, Pod One wasn't going to bug off to the Caribbeans and leave us to take the fall. We would pull through together, or we would die together.

Sunila Puri (general worker, Pod 42): I knew Hawa Jordaan, the saint, the First Mother. People pray before her image in Umojan churches, haloed in light, all in orange robes, with her belly round and flaming like the sun. They burn apple flowers on her grave in Mji wa Watoto. I remember how she was, though... back then. We met when she was drafted as nurse with me and Dr. Gautier, during the Year Two cholera. A cheerful young woman of the Namibian contingent, very excited for all the enterprise. She had no one left on Earth, like the Commander, that was their secret, of all who were the strongest in the early years. She missed only cats. Once she picked a random cricket from the feed tank and said, "You, I'm going to love you". She kept it as a pet until it got caught in an air filter. After that, she stopped eating cricket meal and went only by algae, except when they forced her to get proteins for heavy duties. What else? Uh... She wept with joy when we brewed our first coffee on Ea. We played Go together, once. I still say she cheated. »

– Interviews in Small Steps for Men: Earthborn Accounts of Ea's Early Years, Nisaba Press, 79 AL

#scifi #worldbuilding #alien planet #writing #my work #ea our second chance

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butterflydm · 2 years

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wot reread: the fires of heaven (chap 33-chap 34)

spoilers for the fires of heaven

1. Oh, ugh, Luca just straight-up touched Nynaeve without her permission. Yes, he’s ‘concerned’ about her black eye that he apparently only just now noticed? But, like. Dude. Personal bubble.

2. I kinda forgot that the circus storyline is a LOT more fun for Elayne than it is for Nynaeve. She is having A Time.

3. Either this is following immediately after Elayne’s chapter in chapter #25 or Elayne has taken over more than one of the meetings in TAR from Nynaeve, because Elayne spoke with Egwene ‘last night’ (and more time than that has definitely passed in the Aiel timeline, since Rand and Aviendha have had time to take a snowy vacation together).

4. Rand is straight-up hanging every proven brigand that they run across in Cairhien, according to the news from Egwene via Elayne. Nynaeve is worried because she remembers Rand as a gentle boy.

5. Elayne is SO EMBARRASSED about flirting with Thom now that he knows that she remembers him from when he was in a relationship with her mom. She kinda deserves that one. She played herself.

6. Update on the Prophet: causing issues in Samara currently.

7. Aw. “Not that [Nynaeve] needed [Lan], of course. But his presence would have been... a comfort.” Definitely Jordan’s best-written romance, even with their super-abrupt start in EotW. At least that one kinda works because the book is so heavily Rand’s PoV that literally anything could be happening off-screen at various points.

8. So, matches already exist in the Wot Primeverse: do we think that means that Auldra will get cut? otoh, Mat using fireworks to break into the Stone of Tear is pretty classic and that is set up strongly by Auldra. Though they could get him fireworks another way. I do like Auldra, so I hope she makes it in. She does invent some other important things later, too.

9. Ah, it does feel like this is a second meeting that Elayne went to in Nynaeve’s place and it’s confirmed that she IS deliberately putting off seeing Egwene again.

10. Nynaeve got the black eye because she was basically harassing Cerandin to tell her more about sul’dam/damane when she genuinely doesn’t know more and even then, it only got physical because Nynaeve made it that way. And Elayne is figuring out that she can make ter’angreal, which is a super-rare Talent! She’s figured out the philosophy behind how the a’dam works -- it creates a forced link between two women, with the bracelet-wearing in control.

11. Elayne is so SO delighted at the idea of creating something new and bringing back an old form of knowledge and... oh, bb. Brown Ajah. Brown. This is the most excited we’ve seen her about literally anything, I think.

12. “I could see the pride in his eyes. Pride in what he had made, a thing well-crafted. I would love to feel that, I think. Oh, if we only knew a fraction of what the Forsaken do. The knowledge of the Age of Legends inside their heads, and they use it to serve the Shadow.” Brown Ajah! It’s perfect for you. She’s so excited about finding out this lost knowledge and creating something with it.

13. Because we can see the difference in how Nynaeve just has... zero interest in this idea at all. Because what she’s passionate about is healing. “Healing was important. Any man could build a bridge, and leave him to it was what [Nynaeve] said.”

14. Poor Elayne, shocked at the VERY IDEA that she might break her word about paying Luca his hundred gold marks at the end of their journey. She has more in common with Galad than she’d like to believe. (also Galad: in Samara with a bunch of Whitecloaks)

15. And our Elayne is also a good cook! Who frets over her work not being as good as the chefs in the Royal Palace. She loves to create things! All kinds of things! And she’s such a perfectionist. I am very fond of Elayne.

16. “Nynaeve, you’ve been entering Tel’aran’rhiod practically every night except the meetings with Egwene:” So she’s missed SEVERAL meetings because Egwene traumatized her so much. That’s... you know. A thing that happened.

17. Yeah, and Egwene is lying to both sides of this arrangement -- lying to the Wise Ones about not using TAR without them there to help, and lying to Nynaeve and Elayne by pretending that she does have permission. Egwene’s self-righteousness in her own chapters would bother me SO MUCH LESS if she weren’t constantly lying to everyone.

18. Brigitte is able to sneak Nynaeve to listen in on Moghedien spying on a meeting of four other Forsaken: Graendal, Sammael, Lanfear, and Rahvin, who are all in semi-cahoots, though we the readers know that Lanfear is hedging her bets and also backing Rand/Asmodean. Sammael points out that their plan is aiming Rand directly at him. “If need be, one close to him will die, plainly at your order.” Oooooh, I hadn’t realized this was stated out so clearly.

19. Moghedien spotted them at their spying and followed them back when they left. I love that even captured, Nynaeve is just spitting insults at Moghedien . She’s worried about Birgitte, though, which is so valid. After Moghedien does a bunch of threats and is completely focused on Nynaeve, Birgitte manages to shoot her, and that’s when Moghedien ‘vanishes’ Birgitte from TAR (and then flees for her life bc she just got shot in the chest with an arrow).

20. Liandrin tries to take advantage of Moghedien’s weakness and all of Moghedien’s frustrated anger gets aimed at her as she gives Liandrin her ‘second sharp lesson’ (her final lesson, I think?). It’s a pretty nasty ‘fate worse than death’ kind of ending for her, which Jordan frequently does with his female villains, we will end up seeing. He isn’t entirely incapable of killing them (like Rand is) but he is reluctant and tends to stick them in an eternal living hell instead.

#wot #wot reread #wheel of time #the fires of heaven #wot book spoilers #wot spoilers

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maximvassilenko · 1 year

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Was “Get Out” Really an Exaggeration?

I think the purpose of “Get Out” was to spread a message of awareness and with that, we can make sense of why certain themes were put at the forefront. Jordan Peele linked microaggression with the deeper underlying racism which still exists. By turning Chris into a chattel slave and directly exposing the reader to these age-old themes and stereotypes (like the black servants, objectifying blacks, and hyper focusing on their sexuality) It seemed at first that maybe Jordan Peele would make some sort of twist. Considering how he turned the stereotype of the white savior on its head, I was expecting something different. I think I hoped I would be proven wrong: that these “woke” liberal households were accepting. However time after time the Armitage family would fit every stereotype to a tie and there was no twist about it.

Especially coming from a liberal state this hit different. How many “children of god” and love are there out here in liberal California that secretly say the n-word on their golf courses? It was just in October that members of the city council representing the Latino community were caught being racists behind closed doors. This coexistence of liberal appearance and deep-rooted racism is what I believe to be liberal racism. I would go as far as to say that this is the new modern racism. It keeps blacks equally enslaved, imprisoned, and disadvantaged by a disconnected white majority.

Was this all really exaggeration? The isolation that blacks feel? Not only is there the issue of the world making blacks feel like the “others” but even the blacks within their own communities do not want to see each other win. A lot of times blacks really can be alone. A lot of times someone who seems like they made a harmless comment or slip-up is giving insight into their character. The little actions that we take are the result of our cumulative exposure and upbringing. There would be no microaggressions or slip-ups if people really cared about blacks truly growing up in an environment of acceptance. I used to not understand what a microaggression was and thought it to be a preposterous term until I realized what microaggressions could stem from and stood for. By gradually expanding on the level of racism throughout the movie, I realized a lot of the things I thought were insignifigant were part of a bigger problem that still exists today. For that reason, I would argue that this movie is not an exaggeration but an artistic expression of reality. The anticipation of having Chris shot dead or arrested at the end of the movie shows just how corrupt and sad society is: the necessity to change the reality of the film to incorporate a happy end shows just how corrupt the reality of our society still is.

Why “Nope” is Black Horror

This movie is all about steering away from toxicity and I think it is also fundamentally toxic to distinguish between black horror and horror with black characters. That is especially true with a film like “Nope.” Every black story is different and so it is toxic to assume that trauma stemming from being black has to be the norm for every black. How can we rule out that the message of empowerment in “Nope” is not a black concept? It’s not healthy. Showing that black actors do not need to follow the roles and storyline in what we traditionally considered to be black horror is a positive thing. Literature and its offspring are all about breaking barriers and norms to improve society in ways deemed beneficial. What is the use in having a strict yet very subjective criterion for what is a black story and what is not? That almost sounds a little posh. I would define any story with black characters as black. This is reasonable because as long as there are black characters there is some literary dimension that can encompass that alternative existence for blacks. There is depth and dimension to blacks just like there is to white folks in real life. While this may not be the case in film as of yet, ideally we would want to promote trends toward that. What would a strict view defining what black horror do for black science fiction? It just creates more of that segregation that we try to get away from. Ideally, we want everyone to be one and not be divided into groups. What does that do for progress in the way that black characters are portrayed in film? I think ideally we should not be able to distinguish between black and white film and there should not be a concept of “black” film at all. Maybe that is too hopeful but I think this sort of posh elitism is getting people nowhere!

There are a lot of unnatural and foreign processes that go into the making of creating a story or film. Even the concept of filming acclaimed movies with good budgets and fabricating a story is unnatural: you need gear, people who pose as a character aka actors, a storyline, and a network of critics to steer your work towards some sort of commercial success. Even when you shoot a documentary, there is a whole list of things that could be argued as to why your documentary does not reflect reality. I think we should view reality as a subjective experience so that way everybody and their story can be included.

Lord of the Flies Arguement

In “the Abandon” by director Keith Josef Adkins, there was this interesting paradox of how societal constructs still exist in the apocalypse. Someone could be so jealous of a woman that even in the wake of the end of humanity, instead of uniting the remaining, the last humans fight each other. Imagine that this encounter happened the day before when there were laws. Would it still happen? Would Kendal still push Craig? Some issues are such primal offenses to human nature that one will retaliate out of anger without regard even for their well-being. It was apparent that the group was dependent on the fitness of all of its members so I think Kendall would have done the same the day before. As a political science major, I can compare this to the prisoner's dilemma: although the better outcome would be for two prisons to not rat each other out and cumulatively get lighter sentences, two will always rat each other out and get a worse outcome for both of them. The issue is people usually look out for their interests first and ironically this usually ends up hurting everybody.

Although we like to put black rationality as a staple in distinctly black storylines, the reality is that in this context where you need to fend for yourself (which is the reality that blacks live in). Yes, maybe people would panic and look at the light even when they were told not to. What does that say about respecting authority in nature? Sometimes something we traditionally see as the right thing is an instinct that leads to bad outcomes. For example, when the humanity in the group pondered about leaving Jeff out in the cold, dead, that could have been fatal. On one hand, humans are too selfish for their own good but also are too humane at times. I wonder if in the days before society, before civilization, the mentality of people was different along with the different forms of evolution because I am honestly shocked the human race survived through so many historic events: human nature makes little sense and is flawed.

Building on this theme, there is an interesting parallel to “Nope” in how looking at the enemy, representing a primal fear, leads to your demise. In a civilized society, you have to look away and not face your fear directly due to being conditioned to respect authority. I think this is representative of black trauma and the coexistence of blacks in a white society: you need to blend in, assimilate, straighten your hair, and bleach your skin to just barely fit a mold. You feel like you can’t confront racism because the enemy is too strong so you choose to survive by looking the other way. Maybe the characters' actions are a result of still being cultured by a society that keeps them in a box, so when it comes to a primal battle for their lives, black are unable to fend for themselves. Maybe this is the ultimate representation of free will in an unrestricted society.

To Trauma Porn or Not: Which Candyman was a Better Black horror Film?

How traumatic and how scary should a film be? Keep in mind we are studying horror and not a documentary, so a large aspect is how enjoyable something is. If a film draws on previous experiences a collective archetype shares to create an entertaining or thrilling experience, I think trauma porn is fine. However, the issue is when horror creates new trauma. A major criticism of trauma porn and how the term began specifically points to how black horror is making the plotline play out too realistically. While it is not exactly boring, it is not exactly entertaining to watch an everyday scenario play out. That does not mean it is wrong, but generally, this type of trauma porn should be avoided because it simply does not fit this genre of entertainment. I also fundamentally believe that elements of horror in a film should progress the plot but that is just my opinion. Still, everybody has subjective tolerances and sensitivities about what is classifies as horror (for example phobias) but what makes this easier is that we are dealing with a specific subculture within society so we can make better generalizations and guidelines specifically tailored for those who generally cares for and watches this subgenre. Generally speaking, if age guidelines are followed, generally a film should not create a trauma that impairs your everyday life. For instance, most of the class seemed to become afraid of saying Candyman (including me) five times, however, that does not disturb my daily life processes. I think that specifically, the purpose of black film should be to progress society in some way by depicting messages. This is because of the dire state that society views blacks around the world. The very clear part is that there are many ways to portray the same message. Take for instance very old horror films. There often was not so much as a drop of blood or an instance of contract physical violence still the movie can thrill. This is little excuse to use trauma porn for no reason.

Considering all of this, I would say Jordan Peele’s Candyman is a better film than the 90’s version, regardless of my enjoyment from either film. There is senseless violence for the sake of violence and little does it portray a message other than painting black men as oppressors or gangbangers. This shows how far the evolution of blacks in film has come. Although neither film is more valid or important as they are respective products of their time periods, in retrospect, from the position of an observer in the current day, it is fair to say that one film is better than the other because we can attach these two films to a specific subculture and subgenre. The 90’s candyman was problematic, to say the least. Seriously. In the 90’s film, Candyman had this King Kong-esque vibe ( remember the brown coat that looks like gorilla fur?!) by pursuing a white, blonde chick. It is not a good look and I do not think that film, considering it is black horror, should be present. I think by even having black characters you have this responsibility to understand that yes you are making black horror (I talk about this in my previous blog post) and to follow certain guidelines because of how important this film is to a culture.

Some things are just not Okay!

A key purpose of film is to change society. In “ the Lake,” a superpredator takes the form of an attractive school teacher who preys on young little boys who don’t know any better. This is not a typical form associated with a predator and it brings awareness to the different forms that predators can take on. It helps build confidence for people who have stories of abuse but are too afraid to come out because of fear that they will not be taken seriously. It is especially important to continue the trend that this film sets: that some things are just not okay and need to be called out publicly. There is no better way to do this than through entertainment. Film is one of the easiest intellectual media to process and is widely accessible which is why there is such a powerful tool. Many horrible acts would not be as common if they were more publicly condemned. A great number of people identify by the things they watch so it is important to create good examples even in genres like horror.

Someone like R Kelly went years and years without being accountable although public sex tapes were floating around about his whereabouts. He talked about his pedophilia on camera and interviews, and he was very open about it. At the time, this was no big deal but with the accessibility of media, everything changed. There are countless examples of this: where the media and society have a greater say than current laws and norms. Things can change and laws can change if there is just more awareness brought to certain topics. Some ills are so fundamentally wrong that just bringing awareness is enough to stop them.

Films and mass entertainment directly influence what is okay and what is not. It is a chain reaction when regular people like me call out higher authorities, influencers, and celebrities who make money and exist thanks to their audience or subordinates. In turn, these important people are forced to do something to change society and reflect what the majority wants. There is still just too much bs in society to not be creating films without any messages. They do not necessarily have to be explicitly present and detract from the experience. Many times in films, even like “The Lake” we recognize the existence of something in a neutral way and that is enough to bring awareness. This is the purpose of documentaries. In the entertainment world, we can just dumb down the message but achieve an even greater result since more people are watching this type of media. It is at least better to have a simple underlying message for positive change than to have none at all and be complicit in ill going on in society.

Were Adam and Eve Racist? What does the Comet teach us about Racism?

It is clear that race is a social construct by definition and that racism is a societal concept but what if society broke down? No, not a zombie appololypze. Worse. Society no longer existed at all. This is exactly what “The Comet” covers. It seems that there is only one man left on earth (Jim) and he is black and one woman on earth is white (Julia). This is a little different from “The Abandon” considering that for some time there was no form of group setting at all. At first, they get along but what does that say about the nature of racism when things fall apart? Is it a natural occurrence? If so, why would we distinguish people based on skin color and not the shape of their noses or how big someone’s toes were? If I were that woman I would think that the stereotype of the black man as a physically dominant being would strike fear of superiority or dominance or maybe fear of retaliation for the wrongdoings of whites. White culture is built on secretly copying blacks but hating them. Considering the features in which blacks are superior beacons of culture and physical beings, it would be very plausible to base the root of racism on the superior attributes of black people versus what they are most easily identified by.

I think what keeps racism alive is like a self-feeding loop. Some people might not agree with it particularly but when they are thrust into a group setting, their opinions are strengthened. It is difficult to believe that there are millions of people who independently concluded that black people were to be hated since the reality is quite the opposite of negative stereotypes. Racism is fundamentally not true because it is defined as a bias that clouds rational and neutral thinking. It is an error in processing information. A lot of times you can appreciate something beautiful or superior from afar without hurting it but I think that vile feelings of hatred/racism are learned.

As long as there are strong, influential figures of racism, people will feed this belief into each other. It is almost like a zombie virus that makes people impaired to logic. In the modern days, this takes place through virtual communications. In communications studies, these are known as media bubbles and this is what account for people who have radical beliefs. The reality is that most people are towards the center of things but this radical majority is very dangerous as they keep the sentiments of racism alive.

I think in the Comet racism is depicted in a very accurate way: it really can never fully go away. The plot at the end aligns with that when Jim is thrust right back into the society that existed before. I think this is similar to a nuclear arms race: once it starts there is no going back. However, the silver lining is that there are serious ways to change society for the better through that very same media that brings people apart.

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nickyhemmick · 3 years

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A Very Stressed American Jew here again,

Hi! Thank you for taking the time to respond to my ask and yes, I’m someone who loves hearing as many perspectives as possible so I’d love some sources from you. I also very much appreciate the fact you are being very careful to only reblog posts that are anti Israel, not antisemetic (which is frankly a breath of fresh air, the internet has been a bit exhaustingly full of both antisemitic & Islamaphobic content these past feel days as I bet you’ve seen)

I’ve also been to Israel on a Birthright trip. We met people who ( both Palestinian and Israeli) on various sides of the conflict and learned a ton about it, from both perspectives which I was lucky to have the opportunity to do. We even went a little into the Gaza Strip to talk to these people running a pro Palestine peace movement and it was so important to me hearing those stories.

I never said they were on equal footing militarily, they definitely are not, Israel definitely has that advantage. But you are incorrect about Israel always being the aggressor since 1948,they’ve defended themselves about as often as they’ve attacked. Isreal is a small country comparatively to the ones surrounding it, so it makes sense it defends itself heavily in case of an attack.

I 100% agree that there are too many people who are compliant with the mistreatment of many Palestinians! I’m not anti #freepalestine at all! I get why that is a thing. But I also stand with Israel( but that does not mean I condone every action they take. ) Overall I think the situation is extremely complicated and some sort of compromise should be reached.

It’s just been very frustrating to see so many people reblog things on a situation just bashing Israel because so many others are doing it. Especially when then don’t know what they are talking about or using big buzz words that they don’t know what they mean, or spreading misinformation. It’s been on both sides and has been very very draining. I just want peace and some sort of solution. It makes me extremely happy you know what you are talking about and can debate politely yet happily about it. The internet has been so ‘ either agree with me 100% or you a bad person’ about this so it’s refreshing to see you are not like that.

I’ve done a lot of research into it from as many perspectives as I can get my hands on.

Some extremest Israelis are hurting Palestinians

Some extremest Palestinians are hurting Israelis

Both sides are throwing rockets at each other and it’s terrifying.

Both sides claim the other side is brainwashed

There is so much biased propaganda out there on both ends it’s hard to know what is truly happening.

I know people living in Israel who have sent me videos they’ve taken of rockets flying over there heads and I’m so scared for them. I’m so scared for all the innocent people caught in the crossfire on both sides.

Thank you for a more nuanced response and I’d love some of your sources,

A Very Stressed American Jew

Hi anon,

I wasn’t going to respond to this until after my math final tomorrow but I’ve spent the past two days thinking of your ask and the things I wish to articulate in my answer.

I am going to start here: how can you say you support Israel but say you are also pro-free Palestine (as in, you said you are not anti free Palestine). In my opinion, these two ideas cannot coexist. Simply because, the entire establishment of Israel has been on violent, racist, colonial grounds.

(Super long post under here guys)

You said you don’t support all Israel’s actions, and definitely, just because you support something doesn’t mean you can’t criticize it. However, in my opinion, if you do not support Israel’s actions against Palestinians there’s not much left to support? I admit this is a very biased view as I am Palestinian, but many things that people support about Israel have existed before its creation: as in, these are things and qualities that have existed in Judaism and are not due to “Israeli culture.” There is no Israeli culture. There’s Jewish culture--100%. But there is no Israeli culture, because Israel does not only steal Palestinian land, but Palestinian culture, too. Such as claiming Levant food is Israeli; hummus, ful, falafel, shawarma. I mentioned food from this article I know is culturally and traditionally of the Levant, and has been for centuries, it is not something that has come to culinary creation in the past 73 years.

I do not think this is a complicated issue. I said that in the previous ask and I’ll say that again. Saying it is a complicated issue is trivializing the deaths of innocent Palestinians, the violent dispossession our ancestors endured, and the apartheid they live under. I hope if anything comes from this discussion it is you removing the “it’s a complicated issue” phrase from your vernacular.

This is not complicated. A journalist reporting the death of martyrs only to discover that of them include two of his brothers is not complicated. The asymmetry of Israel vs Palestinian armed forces is not complicated, nor is the asymmetry in Israeli vs Palestinian suffering (which I will get to later). It is not complicated. Destroying the graves of martyred Palestinians (or just in general, the graves of the dead) is not complicated. Little children being pulled from the rubble, children being forced to comfort one another as they are covered in the ashes of their decimated homes, attacking unarmed citizens in peaceful demonstrations (you can find videos before this attack where they were playing with kites and balloons), destroying an international media office and refusing to allow journalists to retrieve the work they are spending every waking hour documenting but claiming it was because it was a hide out for a “Hamas base,” fathers who are trying to cheer their frightened children up only to end up dead the next day, while many Israeli have the privilege and the option to go to hotel-like bomb shelters is not complicated.

This brings me to my next point: the suffering of Palestinians cannot be compared to the inconvenience of Israeli’s. On one side, you have children who are happy to have saved their fish in the face of their homes and lives being decimated behind them to Israeli’s in Tel Aviv having to cut their beach day short to get to bomb shelters. You have mothers and fathers ready to set their lives down for their children to save them from bombs to Israeli’s enjoying their brunch only after making sure there are bomb shelters there. You have Palestinian children being murdered to blocking out the sound of sirens in the safety of your bomb shelters. (The first picture of the Palestinian child is not from footage of the recent problems). You have the baby lone survivor of a whole family recovered from rubble. His whole family, gone, before he ever had the chance to realize that he even exists, while Israeli’s decide to flee out of the country,(Translate the caption from Twitter, it checks out), or have to leave the shower due to sirens. Who is really suffering?

I won’t sit here and pretend like the thought of rockets flying over my head, no matter which side I am on, is not terrifying. It is. It’s scary to just think about. But Israeli’s have protection beyond Palestinian’s, they have sirens to warn them (Israel does not always warn Palestinian building members that it is about to be bombed), they have the Iron Dome, they have simply the threat of nuclear power (which I am not saying Israel would use, but the simple fact they have it would make me feel a lot better if I were an Israeli citizen) and they have bomb shelters. What do Palestinians have? Hamas? That smuggles its weapons through the ocean? That only ever reacts to the action Israel instigates? And yet Gazans are branded terrorists and that it is their fault that they “elected” a terrorist organization that only was ever created due to no protection from any armed country? (There are so many links I want to add in this paragraph but it is simply impossible for me to add everything I want, a lot of what I’m referring to can either be found through a Google search, or you can stalk my Twitter account, all that I am posting now is about Palestine, and will include sources of things I cannot add in just this one post.)

Look, I see myself in the genocide happening in Palestine right now. I see myself in this ten year-old girl. In this three year old girl. I see me and my family in videos of cars being attacked in Ramallah and Sheikh Jarrah (I cannot find the Ramallah video, should be somewhere on my Twitter), I see my father in the countless videos of fathers crying out for their children, of kissing the corpse of their loved ones (again, translate the Tweet, the man holding the body is saying “just one kiss”). I see my grandfather in videos like this (old footage). I see my younger brother, I see my grandmother, my mother, my aunts and uncles and cousins. I see myself and my life and my family were my father not lucky enough to get a scholarship to the UK and out of Palestine, were my maternal grandfather not been lucky enough to make it to a refugee camp and build a life in Jordan. I have an unbelievable amount of privilege to be born into the life I was born in to, in terms of I do not have the threat of bombs and violent dispossession around me, and I do not even live in the US. I have privilege and sheer luck that my parents were able to go to the US so that me and my brothers can be born, because now I have both the protection of the most powerful country in the world while at the same time being part of a people to have suffered so generously the past seventy-three years.

On the other hand, you saying that Israel has “defended themselves about as often as they’ve attacked. Israel is a small country comparatively to the ones surrounding it, so it makes sense it defends itself heavily in case of an attack,” I offer you this question: why are they using military grade guns and stun grenades in mosques to “defend” themselves from rocks? And before you mention that Hamas hit Tel Aviv, I remind you that Hamas did that due to the violence in the Al-Aqsa mosque square and the attempted ethnic cleansing in Sheikh Jarrah. The violence didn’t begin with us; the violence was brought out of Palestinians in resistance to the generations of oppression we have endured and the attack on Palestinian Muslims during the holiest night of Ramadan. Hamas has since asked for a ceasefire multiple times and Israel is refusing. New reports say there is a possibility of a ceasefire in the coming days, but Israel could have decided this a long time ago and spared many lives. (Remember, no matter what resistance we make, Israel is the one in power).

Israel has been the aggressor since 1948. Just read up about the Nakba! 700k Palestinian families were dispossessed violently. The only reason Israel was established at all was because it simply declared it was now a country and the US and many other countries recognized it as such. (Of course, there are many other historical details here, like the British Mandate of Palestine, the Balfour Declaration, the Oslo Accords and many others. I am aware of them but these are for a different post all together). My paternal grandfather was a little younger than me when Israel as a state was created. The hostility that followed was due to this independent declaration being listened to over Palestinian voices.

Here is a very, very simplified analogy, one that can also answer some people’s questions as to why Palestinians (not Arabs, we are Palestinian before we are Arab) did not like what happened in 1948 and why they refused a two-state solution (that Israel was never going to go through with anyway). (I am also aware other Arab nations got involved, and that is perhaps what you mean when you said they had to defend themselves, but my response to that would still be we didn't start it, that we only responded to it).

Let’s say you are a farmer. You have many fields of trees, ones you have taken shelter under from the sun since you were a child, or hid behind when you wanted to avoid your parents when you misbehaved. You have seen your trees grow from a seed, to a sprout, to a flower, to a large, beautiful tree with fruits the size of a fist. You pluck the fruits from one tree, and make a jam from it. I don’t know how to make jam but I know it takes a lot of energy. So, you make this jam and from it, produce a lovely, mouth-watering pie. Once it has cooled from the oven, you take it with you outside your balcony just so that you can admire the years, months, weeks and hours this one pie has taken to be created. Suddenly, a stranger walks past and yells to you, “That pie looks delicious, I want it!” And you, shocked at their boldness but ready to share, say, “I will give you a bite.” But the stranger says, “No! I do not want a bite or a slice or whatever you want to offer me, I want the pie!” And they grab it from you. You and the stranger start screaming at one another about who the pie is for, who is allowed to decide what happens to it, and who you can share it with. Then, another stranger comes by and says, “Why all the problems? Let’s cut the pie in half and the both of you can share it!” But why should you, who has spent years cultivating the fruit and grain inside this pie, share it? Why should you give up half of the 100% that you already owned? Of what you already had? So you disagree, and now a crowd has formed around you. “What’s the problem?” someone in the crowd calls. “They don’t want to share their pie!” another voice says. Then you become branded a selfish, mean bastard. Again, this is a super simplified analogy, so don’t take it too seriously, but I am trying to show you why Israel is the aggressor.

In addition, I do not know too much about the Birthright program, just that American Jewish people are sent to Israel, all expenses paid. I tried my best to find the Twitter thread but I read it so long ago, about an American Jewish person who went on their trip and they talked about the propaganda that they were exposed to on that trip. I can’t say for sure that it is true, because I haven’t been on it and never will, but that is the first thing I thought of when you mentioned your Birthright trip. Either way, I think it is still great you went and saw the country. However, I must ask you this: are the people you met ones you, yourself, sought out, or ones you were organized to meet?

Now, I haven’t been to Gaza, so I don’t know what you really saw or didn’t, but did you speak to Palestinians who lost their homes to airstrikes? Did you speak to siblings, parents or children of loved ones who had been lost beneath the rubble of buildings and towers? Outside of Gaza, did you speak to Palestinians that live in poor quarters? Ones who have been victims of an IDF soldier shooting them, or who have family members who have died from such attacks? Did they take you guys to Ramallah, to Nablus, to Beit-Imreen, to Jenin, to small villages in the West Bank, far away from Jerusalem and Tel Aviv? Did you speak to people there? Ask them their stories? Because if you did I have a very hard time believing you still think Israel is “defending” itself.

I’ve been to Jerusalem, many times, even Tel Aviv and Jaffa and Haifa. All the times I visited Dome of the Rock there were IDF soldiers with huge guns strapped to their person, standing menacingly outside the courtyard. For what? Genuinely, genuinely for what? It is nothing but an intimidation tactic. The same way we are not allowed in through the airport. If you could see the struggle some Palestinians actually go through just to get into Palestine, through the land border, you would be disgusted. I love Palestine, it is my ancestry land, it is my culture and tradition. But I always hated going to visit because I knew the way to getting there would be hell.

My father worked in Tel Aviv through the first Intifada. My maternal grandfather was forced out of his home in the Nakba and was forced to leave behind his belongings and the orange trees that have been in his family for generations. Hell, the town they lived in was destroyed! It doesn’t exist anymore except in the memories of my aunts and uncles, who never even saw it, but just heard of it from their father!

I’m not saying there aren’t Palestinians who are racist and anti-Semitic (though, tbh, I will direct you here for that) and who support Hamas in killing Israeli’s, but talking about how there are many “extremist” Palestinians who are hurting Israeli’s and in the next line say there are extremist Israeli’s who are hurting Palestinians is not correct. There are extremist Israeli’s killing, lynching, stealing the houses of Palestinians, and there are Palestinians who are fed up and fighting back. (I am not talking about Hamas vs the IDF here, I am talking about the citizens). I have not seen one reported death of an Israeli due to Palestinian violence (if you have, from a trusted source, send it to me), but I have seen countless of the other way around. I have seen images of charred little bodies, of a baby being dug out of the rubble, of a child’s body that had been so mutilated that you can literally see the insides of their body coming out. (I don’t know if it’s on my Twitter, I didn’t want to save that shit). If this was my country I would be absolutely ashamed of myself and my people and what they are doing in the name of my protection. So you have to forgive me, and forgive other Palestinians, who don’t give a fuck about Israeli’s having anxiety over rockets flying over their heads when we see these images. Where is the protection of our kids? Why does no one seem to mention them except when mentioning the poor, innocent ones in Israel? At least more than the majority of them have their parents to comfort and rock them. At least many of them will probably be saved of ever having to be beneath the rubble of a destroyed building, or digging in it, to hope to find the parts of their parents or siblings just so that they can bury them. Just the links from the start of my answer is enough to support what I am saying.

I have soooo much more I can say, like how Israel uses religion to distort the image of what’s going on (tbh, just check my Twitter for that: language is EVERYTHING), but you didn’t mention religion in any of this and so I won’t either. The only reason I decided to respond to you in such length was because you have been one of the few respectful anons in my inbox in the past few years of me being on here talking about Israel, so I appreciate that from you.

As promised, some more sources: decolonizepalestine is a good place to start if you haven’t used it already, it has reading materials, myth busting, and more. Here is a map list of destroyed localities from pre-1948 until 2017, run by two anti-Zionist Israelis. Here and here are the articles I promised of a former IDF soldier-turned Palestinian activist, I read these two last year in June and remember coming out much more informed than before I read them. I suggest looking into the writer and his organization, which, if I remember correctly, collects accounts from previous IDF soldiers. I would suggest not to follow Israel and the IDF accounts on any platform, or any Israel times newspaper, simply because they will not tell you the truth. In fairness, you do not have to follow any Palestinian Authority accounts (which I am not even sure there are), but to follow on-ground Palestinians like Mohammed El-Kurd, who has been speaking out since he was 12 (he is now 22) and he is part of the families in Sheikh Jarrah. I have noticed that this and this account have been translating Arabic headlines and tweets for non-Arabic speakers, I have just started following this person but their bio says they are a Palestinian Jewish person so I am interested in their view of things. You can also follow Israeli’s on-ground and see their perspective on things, but I would also advise to compare the Palestinian and Israeli side of things from the people, and critically analyze the language used in each case. Also, this article references Jewish scholars opposed to the occupation (I have not looked into them myself but I plan to after my exams), and Norman Finklestein is another great Jewish scholar to look into if you haven’t. Twitter is better than Instagram and Facebook, so I would stick to getting live-info from there, Twitter does not censor Palestinian content as much as Insta and Facebook so you’re more likely to see things there.

I will end this by saying I personally do not see any other option for peace than to give Palestinians our land back. Whether we may be Muslim, Jewish or Christian, it has always been and will always be our land. I only hope to see it free in my lifetime.

Free Palestine.

#palestine #israel #west bank #tala gets asks #anon #whew this ask took me like 2-3 hours to respond to #pls read it even if ure not the anon #lots of good links and info #palestine tag #anon there are more reading lists in my #to read #and palestine tag tags #check my likes on twitter too if u decide btw not just what i retweet #like also: imagine palestinians around palestine and the world who are simply waiting to hear if their relatives are dead or alive or #have been striked from a rocket. like i can see my father worried abt his friend in gaza rn like any day #now he can just never hear back from him and have to guess hes dead somewhere beneath the rubble #and israelis are anxious at the rocket sounds? good for them but again that shows the asymmetry in #palestinian vs israeli suffering #and by ‘good for them’ i mean good that thats what theyre worried abt compared to palestinians #my aunt is in sheikh jarrah #my cousin lives right by the al aqsa square #again theres so much more i couldve mentioned and talked abt but theres just so much #theres so many LAYERS i wld say but not that its complicated #and definitely theres more i need to learn and read and watch dont get me wrong! i am not a fountain of knowledge by all means!!!!

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fancyfade · 2 years

Photo

[image: a series of comic panels from blue beetle #7 that take place on the brother eye satellite in space. jaime reyes (as blue beetle) starts turning blue and transparent, right in front of jon stewart (green lantern). jaime looks at his hands and says "the scarab says we're done. we have to get away from the green lanterns we have to -- unh! hey!" in the next panel we see a ship flying by (the ship that batman's team came to in the infinite crisis). jaime reaches out at the ship and says "hey! hey! Why can't they detect me?" The scarab in his back says something and jaime says "the same trick brotehr eye used? But why?" next panel shows the exterior view of the ship, with black canary, black lightning, mr terrific, green arrow, and some other characters i can't see inside.

jaime says "no! The green lanterns aren't the enemy! Now put us back!" when the scarab replies he continues "they're our ride home. you idiot!" then, to the ship, which is flying away as the satellite explodes, he yells "no! come back! no!" from behind, we can see hal jordan (green lantern) carrying batman out of the exploding satellite. jaime turns around and says "batman! Thank god!" but hal and batman fly right past him. jaime is on his knees and has his hands up and says "No! You're not supposed to leave me! Make me visible please please please! you're heroes! don't leave me alone! Don't leave me alone!" next panel is half and half, half in a flashback with the brother eye satellite with explosions going off and jaime in his blue beetle suit, the other half is at night in a crater near el paso, with jaime's mom and sister coming down the crater to see him. jaime has his hands in fists and is cyring as he says "don't let me die alone!" End image]

END IMAGE/BEGIN Commentary

as you can see, this scene is a lot more stressful for jaime than it was portrayed as in infinite crisis (link), since now we have it all from jaime’s POV, and you know, he IS a 15 or 16 year old kid* who, during the end of the world, got told he was the only one who had the power to find the thing that is ending the world, taken to space, attacked by a bunch of robots that were killing other heroes, and then ditched by the people who brought him to space.

*fml forgot exactly how old he’s supposed to be

#fade reads dc comics #dc comics #this scene always makes me sad :c #jaime reyes #blue beetle #blue beetle 2006 #infinite crisis #fire cw

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kaitycole · 3 years

Text

Love Two: the hard love

Summary: Miya Atsumu is an adventure and a half which is exciting for you after a mundane high school relationship. But what price has to be paid in order for you to be in his world?

Parings: Atsumu x Reader

Word Count: 7187 (my apologies)

Warnings: Angst. Toxic relationship tropes. Toxic behaviors. Slight physical violence (towards the end - it’s a wrist grab and a slap). Adult language.

Rating: 16+

A/N: This series is based on an article that talks about how in live, most of us experience three types of love. I’ll link the article in the series master post for anyone who wants to read it!

Golden yellow hair.

Chocolate brown eyes.

Burnt cinnamon cologne.

These images burn into your mind as tears sting your dry eyes. You swallow hard, trying to get the lump in your throat to dislodge but it only reminds you of how dry your throat is, how sore it is from screaming. Your head lays heavy on your pillow, a dull ache wraps around your head and you aren’t sure if it’s from the alcohol or the crying you’ve done over the last three days.

You two had a fight, another fight, the same old fight. You screamed, he brushed it off, leaving in a rush and slamming the door while you slid down the doorframe, sobbing. You thought that you’d be used to this, the constant up and downs that came with loving Miya Atsumu, the rollercoaster of emotions that came with the cycle of being together, breaking up and then getting back together. You’d been doing it for three years now, on and off again, but never being off for long before he dragged you back into his arms, not that you ever refused.

Your head hangs to the side as you slowly push yourself off the floor, your body too tired after fighting to climb into your bed the night before. For a moment you consider crawling down the hall before your pride takes over as you stand up, legs stiff but wobbly at the same time as your feet drag you to the couch in the living room. You aren’t sure what time it is, your eyes slowly adjusting to the large amount of sunlight coming into the apartment, the apartment he surprised you with and you had loved, now it felt like a prison.

Your phone starts buzzing and when you look, there’s several notifications from your two best friends Kaneko Yua and Higashi Naoki. You shuffle to the kitchen, grabbing a cup as you perch your phone between your shoulder and cheek, filling you cup with tap water.

“Y/N! Where are you?” Yua’s voice is too loud for the linger ache in your head, you jerk the phone from your ear to turn the volume down.

You chug down the ice-cold water that does nothing to remove the dryness from your mouth or throat, it’s as if it’s been coated in a thick layer of cotton. “Apartment.”

She’s silent for a minute, you can hear her mumbling to someone next to her. There’s a muffled sound coming from her end before a new voice comes through the line, fresh tears prick your eyes when you recognize it’s Naoki.

“We’re coming over, don’t leave.”

* * Three years ago

Your high school days had been filled with volleyball matches, practices, tournaments and while you have no ill feelings towards the sport or the boy who brought it into your life, you just hoped university would broaden your horizons.

Yet here you stood at a MSBY Fan Greet, your younger brother all but vibrating with excitement as he waited to get his overprice photograph signed by his favorite team. You previously made plans to hang-out with Yua over the spring break, but since your parents both couldn’t take him, your brother guilted you with the “but I miss hanging out with you” card and puppy dog eyes.

“For you.” His accent coats his words, passing you small folded piece of paper before your brother makes his way down the line to the next player for an autograph, tugging at your pants for you to follow his lead.

** “Wanna get something from the vending machine before the next class?” Yua asks. Kaneko Yua became your friend when you both started university last year, the two of you quickly became the best of friends even though the only interests you share is in your shared Art History major.

“I’m done for the day.” You tilt your head, smiling right before you stick your tongue out at her.

She throws her head back, groaning as you continue to walk, “how’d you get such a good schedule.”

“Told you to take those early morning classes.” You wink before running into her as she suddenly stops. “Yua-ch—”

Golden yellow hair and a cocky smile catch your attention as he leans against a flash sports car in the library parking lot. Yua looks at you, her eyes wide, you had mentioned that you got his number a few weeks ago to her, but that nothing but short conversation came from the exchange which only lasted a few days.

“Y/N!” He calls out to you, obnoxiously waving one arm up in the air to catch your attention, it does, along with the rest of the student body that’s outside.

He starts walking over to you and Yua, pulling off his sunglasses you see that dark chocolate eyes that captured your (e/c) ones just weeks ago. Your heart is thumping against your chest as he quickly closes that gap that has been between you, a short arm’s distance away from him. You can smell his cologne, it’s a strong smell, something similar to burnt cinnamon being carried by the wind the circles around you.

Yua looks at you for answers but you couldn’t give her any if you even tried. You find yourself swallowed whole by his dark eyes, feeling like you’re about to sink. “M-Miya-san?”

“Atsumu.” He smirks, “sorry for just showing up. I was in the neighborhood and thought we could go get something to eat. You aren’t busy, are you?”

“No, she’s not.” Yua nudges your arm, bringing you back to reality, “she’s actually all finished for the day.”

“What do you say? Will you come with me?” He reaches out his hand and you almost immediately take it and maybe you should’ve been more cautious, after all this wasn’t like it was in high school.

** The first few months with Atsumu are blissful, perfect and you start to wonder if this is what you were missing back with Ushijima. Every day with Atsumu is an adventure, you never know what to expect which is a sharp contrast to that same day everyday feeling you had back in high school. He keeps you on your toes and you love it, you eat it up, spending all your free time with him and it shows when you get back a test with a failing mark.

“Budding romances aren’t the most important thing in life, Y/N.” Your professor speaks low when he places the paper on the desk, he doesn’t have to tell you how he feels about it, disappointment drips from his words.

Atsumu didn’t offer much help on the subject either, simply shrugging at it and telling you that there’s always the next test. “Let’s go out.” “I really should study, ‘Tsumu.” You tilt your head back to look up at him, he’s sitting on the couch behind you.

He says your name, dragging out each syllable, “it’s the last night I can. I have an away game that I leave for on Friday.”

“You didn’t tell me that.” “Must have forgot.” He looks down at his phone, “coming or not?”

You know that you shouldn’t have gone, that studying is more important, but him leaving meant that you’d be apart for the first time and he had that lopsided pout on his face, so you agree. Grabbing your jacket and following him out the door as he drapes an arm around you, “I can always count on you.”

* * Two years and four months ago

“I’m gonna kill him!” Yua shouts as she walks into your dorm room. She practically ran from her part-time job in the library to your dorm when you called her, unable to talk from crying so loudly. While she took the elevator up to your room, she managed to see the text explaining the cause of your distress and is fuming.

“You’ll…go…to jail.” You finally manage to spit out, the sobs and hiccups breaking up your words as you wipe your running nose on your sweatshirt sleeve. Usually Yua would scold you, telling you just how disgusting that it, but tonight she just sits next to you, letting you lean on her shoulder.

She gently rubs your arm as she wraps an arm around you, pulling you closer to her side, “maybe I’ll key that fancy car of his.”

“I think it’s his brother’s.”

“Deflate his balls!”

“Yua!”

“Volleyballs, get your head out of the gutter.” She smiles when you let out a small laugh. She leans her head down on yours and you are thankful that you’re close enough for the silence to be comfortable, for certain things to be left unsaid.

* * Two years and two months ago

The next few weeks seem to drag by, each day seemingly longer than the last. Yua has all but moved into your dorm, refusing to leave your side for more than the duration of classes. With her there, you realize even more that your phone hasn’t gone off, there’s no surge of messages coming through from a certain setter. Things take a bit of a turn when you hear a nearby conversation, two girls gushing about some famous model getting into a relationship to a volleyball player.

But it’s that said volleyball player’s name that anchors your feet to the ground, that name that echoes in your ears while your lungs struggle to take in the air you want to force into them.

Miya Atsumu

Yua essentially banned the use of his name or anything related to him into your life and for better or worse you’ve both manage to uphold it, especially seeing how with his newest brand deal, his face is everywhere just like Michael Jordan’s was in the U.S. during the 90’s. Somehow, you manage to avoid it, until now when your body seems to act on its own and you’re sudden reading several headlines confirming the match.

* * Two years ago

“Are you sure you’ll be okay alone?” Yua looks at you, worry etched on her expression, “I don’t have to go to this guest speaking event.”

“Yua, you’ve been talking about this for weeks, you’re going.”

“Promise to call if you need me to come back? I’m only going to Tokyo, so I can get back within three hours.”

“Yes, yes, I promise.” You make a “shoo” gesture with your hand, walking towards her as she picks up her back to leave. You pull her into a quick hug, reassuring her that everything will be fine for one weekend.

** You let out a dramatic sigh, towel drying your hair as you walk out of the bathroom and towards your bed.

8PM on a Friday and I’m getting ready for bed, lame.

You’re slipping on a pair of fuzzy socks when the music you’ve been playing gets interrupted by a phone call. Within much thought, assuming it’s Yua, you answer, only to stop in your tracks when a familiar and husky voice calls your name.

“Y/N!” Each syllable of your name is drawn out with a slight lag, a telltale sign that he’s intoxicated.

If Yua was there, she would tell you to just hang up and block the number, that you had been doing better lately and should just let someone else deal with it, but Yua isn’t there and you feel that it must mean something if you had been the one he called. Drunken words are sober thoughts, right?

His drunken voice and repeated plea of your name is enough to melt you, enough to make you throw all rational thought out the window, quickly throwing on a hoodie, rushing to the address he barely slurred out.

Fortunately, the restaurant he is at isn’t too far from your dorm, however it is embarrassing when you walk in and could hear him across the room, shouting for you.

“Atsumu.”

He quickly turns to you, that sloppy grin of his piercing you in the heart as he stumbles over to throw his arms around you. The scent of alcohol hits you before he does, leaving you to wonder just how much he’s had as you stagger backwards a bit before steadying the both of you. You just barely get the both of you to a cab, his constant swaying challenging you until you’re able to shove him in the vehicle, hesitating when asked where they were taking you. You didn’t know where he was staying these days, you still weren’t sure what he was doing in Kyoko, so you settle for the only address you know to go.

** “Are you serious?” Yua shouts, all but pulling out her hair.

Three weeks. That’s how long Atsumu had been back in your life and how long your best friend had been in the dark about it. You wanted to tell her about the night Atsumu called drunk, but felt it was best to do it in person since it was such a touchy subject, but when she got back, she was still so excited about the speaker and to tell you about it, you lost your nerve.

Then as the days continued to go by, you kept coming up with a reason not to tell her. What you weren’t expecting was her for to just show up out of the blue or for a fresh out of the shower Atsumu to answer the door. You felt confrontation coming and that was something you weren’t a huge fan of.

“I know it looks bad, but I can explain.”

Yua shakes her head, her lips in a straight line, foot tapping on the tile flooring. “This is why you’ve been cutting classes and missing assignments.”

“I don’t see how this is your business at all.” Atsumu glances over at Yua, an amused smirk on his lips, “jealousy doesn’t suit you, sweetheart.”

Yua turns abruptly on her heel, storming out of the dorm room and when you grab her arm, there’s tears in her eyes when she turns to face you.

“He’s changed, Yua.” There’s such a hopeful look on your face, an expression that screams that you actually believe him.

She drags her arm across her eyes, wiping away the tears, “why can’t you see he’s not good for you!”

* * 1 year and 10 months ago

The shuffling of your peers is lost on you, motionlessly staying in your seat as all of those around you practically bolt out after the 55 minutes long public speaking class. Your eyes are trained on the board in front of you but the notebook on your desk is unopened, your pen still capped.

It takes a few moments for you to notice the weight of the hand on your shoulder and the back and forth motion it's pushing you in. Shaking your head, you snap out of whatever daze you’ve been in and look over to see Naoki with a concerned expression on his face.

“Do you need to see the nurse?”

You shake your head, “oh, no. I was just thinking.”

He raises an eyebrow at the quick smile you throw his way before he sighs, giving into your excuse, even after only knowing each other a few months, Naoki knew when to just let things go.

“Good morn—You aren’t Yua.” You stopped your greeting when you noticed the shuffling at the chair next to you wasn’t Yua but someone you’d never seen before.

“Oh no, sorry. I’m Higashi Naoki, I just transferred here.” He gave you a big bright smile, extending his hand out.

“Uh, oh, hello.” You felt embarrassment creep up the back of your neck as you awkwardly shook his hand. Luckily your phone vibrated, allowing you to focus your attention to something else other than the rather attractive brunette sitting next to you.

You read the words on the screen, somewhat understood the meaning of them but your mind kept going back to the warm orange brown eyes that looked at you with such kindness. They reminded you of the way you felt back in high school, the way that Ushijima made sure you always felt: safe.

To your surprise, Yua had already met Naoki, they shared the glass before this one and Yua was actually excited that you two had ended up meeting. After that, the three of you were fast friends, almost as if you had all been friends for years rather than just several weeks. But not everyone was excited for your new friendship and he had no problem being very vocal about it.

Atsumu wasn’t keen on the friendship when he randomly showed up to the campus one day, seeing the two of you sitting outside, laughing. You had to run after him, he took off without letting you even introduce Naoki, trying to tell him that he was just a friend, but Atsumu seemed to already have his mind made up on what was what.

A week later, after not hearing from Atsumu you got a message from him telling you that he needed to dedicate himself more to his team, his career and being in a relationship with you just wasn’t it.

“You can copy my notes during lunch, Y/N.”

“Thanks, Nao-chan!” You smile up at him while shoving your things into your backpack. He clears his throat, blush spreading across his cheeks as he turns away from you.

** Professor A: Missing Assignments

Professor B: Make-up Test Notice

Professor C: Mandatory Advisor Meeting

XMail: Unread Messages (12)

You feel a pit in your stomach, not wanting to read the emails, already knowing the disappointed messages they held. You hadn’t been your best self lately especially when it came to your studies and had several unfinished assignments and 0’s in the gradebook. It wasn’t like this was the first time you and Atsumu had been broken up but for some reason, each time felt worse than the previous time.

Leaning back, you let out a deep sigh as you glance around at the boxes that liter the room. After you and Atsumu broke up the most recent time, Yua managed to convince you to move into her off-campus apartment. At first you didn’t like the idea, not wanting to be a burden to her or cause anyone to think anything of her with you living with her, but she wouldn’t heard anything but yes. She told you that she had the space (her parents insisted on getting her a two bedroom even though it was just her) and it was easier for her to keep an eye on you.

There are still some things that are in boxes, mostly things from Atsumu that you didn’t want to toss out, but didn’t think should be on display either. Plus, with all the catching up you had to do, there wasn’t much time for anything else especially with the schedule that Yua had made for you. The two of you shared most classes, so she had all the notes and study guides you needed and to be honest, it helped keep your mind off a certain MSBY setter.

BZZT!

Nao-chan: I’m heading up, let me in! (1:42PM)

A smile spreads across your face, pushing yourself from the desk and quickly slipping out of your room and towards the door. By the time you open it, you see him walking up the hallway and he flashes you his signature smile when his eyes meet yours.

“Nao-chan!” You crash into him, wrapping him into a hug, one that he returns effortlessly.

“What have I done to get such a warm welcome?”

“I can’t just miss you?” You tilt your head when you look up at him, stepping away from him to look him in the eye. You hold back a laugh when you see his face turn red, turning his face away from you before mumbling something along the lines of “yeah, no, that’s fine.”

You bring back two cups of juice (Yua refused to let soda into the apartment) and notice that Naoki seems to be nervous, wringing his hands together and looking down at the ground which is different that he usually acts.

“Nao-chan, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, uhm, well I wanted to ask you something.” He makes eye contact with you and you nod for him to continue, “I bought these and thought we could go together.”

He pulls something out of the inside pocket of his jacket, passing it to you and for a second your blood runs cold, eyes scanning over the item picking up the word ‘volleyball’. By the warmth suddenly on your arm, you could tell that Naoki sensed your discomfort.

“Forget it, it was a dumb idea.”

“No! It’s not, it’s just…uhm…”

“I just thought that it might be a good way to get out of the apartment and it’s an Adlers’ game so maybe you’d seen your friend.”

You scrunch your brows together before looking back at the tickets. It was for a game between the Schweiden Adlers and Tachibana Red Falcons, a smile spread across your face, a mix of excitement to see Ushijima play again (his play style is still one of your favorites) but also that Naoki remembered these little facts about you.

“I’d love to go. I’ll call Ushijima and tell him we’ll be there!” You give him a quick hug, rushing to your room to get your phone, leaving a smiling Naoki behind.

** Naoki smiles watching you all but vibrate as you wait in line to go into the gym. The game had been all you talked about for the last two weeks, eager to get out of the apartment for anything other than classes or your on-campus job. You spent most of your free time telling Naoki just how amazing Ushijima is on the court and how he had already asked to meet Naoki, who seemed a bit nervous when you mentioned that.

“I didn’t know you liked watching volleyball, Nao-chan. Did you play in school?”

“Oh, uh no. The person I’m interested in likes it, so I thought I’d learn more about it.” He hands over the tickets, the two of you being ushered into to the building. His shoulder brushes yours due to the large amount of people all in the crowed hallway.

“I didn’t know you had your eye on someone! I’ll teach you all I know about volleyball so you can impress them!” You beam a huge smile at Naoki before your attention is pulled to the other side of the hallway. “Nao-chan! Let’s get t-shirts!”

He follows you as you drag him towards a table set up with shirts to memorialize the game. You intended to get matching ones, but due to size differences, you had a settle with a white shirt for you and a black on for Naoki. After you reluctantly let him pay, the two of you make your way to the gym, Ushijima had seats held for the two of you.

Once the whistle blew, you were back in your element, a huge smile on your face watching Ushijima command the court just like he had been for as long as you could remember. For the first time in years, you feel light and free, happier than you can remember being. Ushijima catches your eye at some point during the second set and you eagerly wave to him, giving him that same toothy grin you did as kids.

** “Toshi!” You barely give him time to turn around, running straight into him as you throw your arms around him, both Toshi and Naoki chuckle at the fact you managed to knock Toshi off balance for a few seconds.

“Y/N.” He pulls you into his broad chest and if you hadn’t known him for years, you wouldn’t believe that this tall and muscular man was the same boy who ran around with a watering can that was almost as big as him. “I’m glad you came today, it’s been a while.”

“Since high school.” You bite your lower lip and notice that Toshi squeezes your arm, a gesture he’d do to comfort you. He gives you a reassuring wink, letting you know that there’s no hard feelings about the past before he looks over at Naoki, “are you going to introduce me to your boyfriend?”

“Oh no! No, no, no.” You stumble over your words, frantically waving your hands around.

“I’m Higashi Naoki, nice to meet you.”

“Nao-chan is just a friend.”

Linking your arm with his, you look back at him and see his smile drop for a split second before it reappears while shaking hands with Ushijima but that quickly leaves your mind when you see a familiar poof of orange hair. But before you can take the time to figure out who he is, you hear an accent that you don’t think you’ll ever be able to forget.

“Just friends, huh?”

Your eyes widen in horror, immediately turning and seeing the familiar sight of golden yellow hair walking away from you.

“Y/N—” Naoki reaches out to grab your arm, but you’ve already started running after Atsumu, calling out his name as you rushed to catch up to him, weaving through the crowded hallways.

“Tsumu!” You finally grab ahold of his wrist, trying to pull him back but instead he just yanks you forward as he tries to get his arm away from you.

“Don’t call me that.” His tone is icy with an expression that matches, “why are you even here?”

“I came to see Tos—Ushijima.”

“I mean why are you here talking to me, you are clearly on a date with what’s his face.”

“Nao-chan? We’re just friends, it was just to get out of the apartment and have fun.” Your voice is trembling, bottom lip quivering listening to the harsh tone of his voice.

He scoffs, rolling his eyes, “you were all over him, just stop lying.”

“No! I wasn’t.” The tears you’ve been trying to hold back now slip down your cheeks, you couldn’t figure out why he was acting like this especially when you were broken up.

“I never thought you’d end up like all those other girls, just another pig wanting to date me for status.”

Your heart is pounding loudly in your ears that you don’t hear whatever else he mumbled before turning and walking away, your arm weakly reaches out to him before your knees hit the vinyl flooring. After several moments pass, you feel someone pull you up and wrap their arms around you, the familiar scent of men’s body wash washes over you.

“Thank you.” You choke out, the comforting embrace causing more tears to fall.

“Best friends forever, right?”

* * 1 year and 3 months ago

“Are people looking at me?”

“Huh?” Yua raises an eyebrow as she looks over at you.

“There’s a psychology term for that feeling, it’s called spotlight effect.” Naoki says, trying to reassure you that no one’s looking.

“No, I think she’s right.” Yua stretches an arm out in front of him, causing him to stop walking before you drop your backpack on the ground, shocked.

Atsumu is standing on campus, wearing a suit, carrying a stupidly large bouquet of flowers, going around asking where you are, all but shouting your name to the sky. Part of you wants to disappear, of course he’d choose to stand in the middle of campus, catching everyone’s attention.

You trip slightly over your bag, marching towards him, barely hearing Naoki calling after you before Atsumu’s attention snaps to you, his eyes locking in on yours.

“Y/N!” Gleefully, he scurries towards you, handing the bouquet to you, it’s heavier than you thought it’d be.

“Atsumu, what are you doing?”

“I want, no, I need to talk to you.” He drops down to his knees and you can hear the increase of hushed tones, you glance back to see a very confused Yua and Naoki wears a horrified expression. “I’d like to try again, please.”

“Atsumu…”

“I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”

“Okay, okay, just…please get up. People are staring.” You try to hide your face behind the flowers, the pure embarrassment causing your face to burn.

He pushes himself off the ground, grabbing your hand as he pulls you towards the faculty parking lot. It doesn’t feel like you are in your own body, your legs moving to keep up with him before he stops.

Once again, he drops down to his knees, grabbing your hands with his, pleading with you to listen to him, to believe that he really means it when he tells you that he’s changed, asking you for just one more shot. For most of his speech, you look at the top of his head, seeing that the golden yellow is being overtaken by his natural dark brown roots, your fingers twitch, wanting to run through his hair. It’s when you finally lock eyes with him that you see the tears that line them, a single one slipping down his cheek from the corner of his right eye.

“I shouldn’t have come.” He wipes his eyes, sniffling a bit. He squeezes your hands before he stands up, letting you go. “I’m sorry for doing this you.”

There’s no way to explain it, but he seems different and suddenly you want to see this new him, to be the one that gets to be part of this new and mature Atsumu. Throwing all your sense out the window, pushing the rational and logical voices of Yua and Naoki to the back of your head, you wrap your arms around him, pressing your face into his back and you can feel his heart pounding in his chest.

“Don’t go.”

* * 9 months ago

“Y/N! Door!”

Still in the process of buttoning your shirt, you poke your head out of your room, “I’m almost done, can you get it, please?”

Yua and Naoki share a look, when you had told them you decided to get back with Atsumu they weren’t shy about telling you how they were against it, that as your friend they hated seeing you so hurt, but they also told you that they weren’t just going to leave you either. It had been an unspoken rule that when it came to all things Atsumu (including opening the door) that they didn’t want to be part of it, for you to keep that part of your life away, unless he did something to hurt you.

Naoki reluctantly gets up, you can tell by the way he sluggishly walks his way towards the door. Dipping back into your room, you finish getting ready, grabbing your phone and sweater before pulling the door shut behind you.

You hear the door slam shut and look to see an irritated Naoki, “where’s Tsumu?” Naoki goes to speak, but you don’t give him a chance, instead just rush out of the apartment.

“Tsumu! Tsumu!” You shout out to him, barely catching his attention as he presses the button for the elevator. “Where are you going?”

He clenches his fist; the gesture catches your eye. “Home. I didn’t sign up to be humiliated tonight.” He looks at you, a type of rage in his eyes that you’ve never seen before and you aren’t sure what could’ve happened to make him so upset. Since he showed up on campus, begging for another chance eh always made sure to be open about his feelings.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You have to tell me, Tsumu.”

“I just don’t like him being in your apartment.”

The elevator dings, doors opening and just as he goes to step into it, you pull back on his arm, pleading with him to stay, tears filling your eyes. He jerks his arm from your grip, not that you were holding on that tightly, and he steps into the elevator.

You aren’t sure why your relationship is like this, why it has so many ups and downs, why it hurts this much. You aren’t sure why being with Atsumu is so hard, why it feels like all you see is his back while he walks away from you, leaving you broken each time. In high school, you hated the almost boring way each day with Ushijima felt, but in this moment, you’d give anything for that because at least back then you felt safe and knew where you stood.

* * 5 months ago

For the last four months, Atsumu spoiled you rotten with daily gifts and elaborate dates. You received a flower a day, it was the flower of your birth month, boxes of your favorite candies, along with cards that had some romantic quote in them.

For dates, he takes you to the best restaurants, buys out move theatres, flies you to various parts of Japan to not only watch his games, but to show you around. When you’re together, he actually listens to you, takes his time to finally get to ask you about your upbringing, family, and where you see yourself in five years. He shows you how he’s remembered things you don’t like and even the things that you do and for the first time in the two plus years you’ve known him, it feels like things are starting to even out, that all the turmoil might just be over.

** “Do you like it?” His accent drips from his words, you’ve noticed the accent gets thicker when he’s either nervous or excited.

You glance around the empty apartment, a bit confused as why you’re standing in the middle of it. You thought that Yua apartment was big, considering it had two bedrooms, but this seems to be even bigger than hers. The large windows allow an abundance of natural light and you really do like that.

“It’s a really nice apartment.” You smile as he walks over to you, pulling you into his toned chest, his chin on your forehead.

“I’m glad, it’s yours.”

You pull back, shock written all over your expression, too many thoughts racing through your mind for you to form a sentence. Atsumu did a lot of crazy things, did a lot of spur of the moment things, but this, this really did top them all. “What?”

He shrugs, digging in his pocket before placing a key in your hand, he looks a bit scared to you. “It’s just…my lease was up and I know it’s a bit further from campus than Yua’s, but I was thinking you’d like to live here…with me.”

Without any hesitation, you throw your arms around Atsumu, repeatedly saying “yes” as you awkwardly bounced up and down. When you pull back, he cups your face in his hands, bringing you closer for a kiss.

You can’t stop smiling, eagerly nodding your head as Atsumu talks about furniture and getting your things boxed to be moved, not really hearing anything because all you can think of is that things are finally going to work out between the two of you and that’s why your heart is thumping against your chest.

* * 3 months ago

Two months.

8 weeks.

60.8 days.

That’s how long your relationship of bliss lasted, how long you saw the caring and loving version of Atsumu, the side of him that stole your heart even after months and years of back and forth, ups and down, on and off.

You hate it because things were going so well, everything was perfect, even better than how great things had been with Ushijima back in high school. What you hate even more is the fact that while you had been packing up your things, you said some not so nice things to Yua, telling her that she was wrong about him, that this time things were going to work out. You had all but bragged and even hit below the belt with saying she was just jealous that she didn’t have someone that loved her the way Atsumu loves you.

Nine times out of ten you’re alone in this apartment, your music on the highest volume isn’t loud enough to fill the silence that creeps through the rooms and wraps around you and when the silence gets to you, you’re forced to think about things you’d rather not. Like how right Yua had been, how Naoki was only looking out for you, how every time you got back together with Atsumu, it just seemed to hurt worse than the time before.

During that one time of ten that Atsumu is home, the two of you just fight, you fight about everything really; your classes, his games, your friends, his friends and now that you’re all but isolated from your friends, it just makes things worse. You’ve always hated comparing the two, Ushijima to Atsumu, knowing both relationships are/were different, but recently, you’ve wondered if repeating the same day over and over, if that almost suffocating comfort, you wonder if that would be easier to live with now when looked at next to the way your current relationship has been.

* * Atsumu flips his phone face down, muting it after it had begun to ring, turning his attention back to the movie the two of you were watching.

You scoff, pushing yourself off his side to lean against the other side of the sofa.

“Don’t start.”

“Start what? I was just getting more comfortable.”

“Cut the shit. You always do this.”

You roll your eyes, already irritated. “Did you want me to leave the room so you could call her back?”

“This is exactly what I’m talking about.” He pushes himself off the couch, shaking his head as he storms into the kitchen.

You reach across the couch, swiping his phone from the armrest, trying to get into it, but no surprise he’s once against changed the passcode. You’re fuming at this point, shoving yourself off the couch before you start to walk to your room. You were done, have been done with all of this.

His hand tightly wraps around your wrist and jerks you backwards towards him. He starts yelling, demanding that you give him back his phone and the anger in you takes over and you throw it across the room. You start to scream about how you’re done, you’re tired and don’t deserve to feel this miserable. He yells back telling you that he’s giving you things anyone would be thankful to have and you smack him with your free hand.

He freezes, dropping your wrist as he runs his fingers through his hair, the expression on his face is something you’ve never seen and without another word, he storms out of the apartment.

You didn’t see him for three weeks, if it hadn’t been for his teammates Hinata and Bokuto stopping by, you wouldn’t have known that he’s okay and has been staying with them. When he does come back, he has a long-winded apology and a large bouquet of flowers. He falls to his knees in the door way, telling you that he’s sorry, that he can’t believe his actions and that he swears that he’ll do better.

* * Present Day

When you open the door, Yua throws her arms around you, pulling you into a comforting embrace and you feel yourself start to sob again. She holds you up as your knees get weak, letting the exhaustion take over you as you inhale her familiar perfume.

Naoki slightly pushes by the two of you, angrily making his way through the apartment, brows scrunched into a scowl. You watch as he flings open every door, stomping through each room before he walks back to you, rage radiating off of him. “Where the fuck is he?”

You’re startled, panicking you look up at Yua who wraps her arm around your neck and pulls you back into her, your face pressing just below the top of her shoulder.

“Obviously not here, so chill out.”

She ushers you over to the couch, Naoki handing you the throw blanket to wrap around yourself as you finally catch your breath. You lean your head on the back of the couch, it just adds pressure to your headache, but you’re having a hard time opening up to your friends.

“How’d you know something was wrong?” You slowly lift your head up, looking between the two of them, your face turning red when you hear that you called Naoki repeatedly around 2AM, leaving incoherent voicemails where they only picked up on the words: fight, Atsumu and leave.

“I really think you should move back in with me.” Yua speaks with caution, knowing how sensitive the topic is.

You just nod, defeatedly. You’re more upset about failing to maintain the relationship than you are that the relationship is over. Part of you wants to know why you put yourself through so much to prove you could stay with him, was it because you didn’t want your previous break-up to mean nothing? That if you could make this one work then you weren’t an awful person for ending things with Ushijima for an almost comical reason?

“Just pack what you have to have and we’ll replace whatever you don’t bring and need, okay?” Naoki gives you a small smile before Yua stands up telling you that she’ll grab your things from the bathroom and Naoki can get the things throughout the living room.

Roughly half an hour later, you have most of the things you brought, minus any gifts that Atsumu gave you, but you can’t seem to step through the threshold. Yua and Naoki are standing in the hallway waiting, but you’re afraid to make the step because all of a sudden it symbolizing a bigger commitment that you intended. Once you step out of the apartment, once you shut the door and drop the key in the box, you’re officially shutting the Miya Atsumu chapter of your life and that shakes you to the core.

“Y/N, you’re going to be okay. We’re right here. I’m right here.” Naoki reaches out his hand and you decide to take that leap, grabbing on to his hand like a lifeline. Your knees are wobbly as you place one foot into the hallway, straddling the threshold. “C’mon, just one more step. I got you.”

You squeeze your eyes shut, frantically taking that last step before throwing your arms around Naoki, repeatedly saying “I did it!” He puts his hand on the back of your head, pressing you into him, telling you that he’s proud of you.

You take one last look into the apartment that for some reason now fills small, it feels different, like you no longer belong there and while you’re still terrified of letting go of the rope that ties you and Atsumu together, there’s something exhilarating about starting over. Your eyes are closed as you pull the door shut and when you turn and open them, you see proud smiles on both Yua and Naoki’s faces and you couldn’t help but be excited for this next chapter.

Likes, comments and reblogs are always appreciated!

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#haikyuu!!#haikyuu imagines #haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu atsumu #miya atsumu #miya atsumu x reader #atsumu x reader #hq angst #my three loves #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu reader insert #kaitycole MTL #atsumu angst #tw toxic relationship #tw angst #tw toxic behavior #tw physical violence #tw slapping #tw adult language

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witching-hour · 3 years

Text

Street Rat [SAMCRO x Reader]

REQUESTED BY ANON can you do a platonic SOA imagine where the reader (gender neutral or a girl) is a street kid (preferably a teenager) who steals wallets and stuff and they break into the clubhouse to steal money/food and one time they get caught. at first the reader is timid and doesn't really trust anyone but after some time they became part of the family? thank you!

(A/N): i’m so sorry to who requested bc this one is long overdue. beware guys, this is a long one. i made this gender neutral! i did give the reader’s siblings names to make it easier to follow along, so it may not seem as inclusive as i orginally wanted it to be since there is a bit of a background and storyline. the mayans version can be found imagine here and the headcanon here if interested written by the lovely @everyhowlmarksthedead ✨

SUMMARY: teen!reader picks the wrong pocket and instead of earning money or a beat down, they earn something they never had before — a family

TW: shameless (tv show) elements, mentions of drug and alcohol abuse, child abandonment, neglectful parents, mentions of drug dealing and bipolar disorder

HOOD up and hands in the front of your sweatshirt pocket, you traveled down the concrete path that you’ve been down so many times your whole life. You could walk down the same sidewalk blindfolded and still miss the dingy cracks and eroded stones most would trip over, or comment about breaking their mom’s back. Your feet carried you down the lane of the mom-and-pop businesses as you analyzed the ones walking past, by, and in front of you — trying to find your next victim to your pickpocketing skills.

You had about forty-five minutes before you’d have to relieve your elderly next-door neighbor from babysitting your youngest sibling, Zoe, and it was about a fifteen-minute walk to your street from the ice cream parlor you just passed by. You needed to hurry today’s trip up before your other siblings came home from school, not wanting to chance them being left alone in the house with your sperm donor, ahem, father.

Derek was in seventh grade and one of the brightest kids you knew. He might as well be in high school already. Jordan, or Jordi, as she liked to be called, was still in her elementary years and was bound to be voted for ‘the biggest bookworm’ by the time she graduated to middle school. Zoe was still just a baby, and a handful despite being so happy all the time. Overall, she was still a baby and needed the attention babies needed.

Those three were your life. They were all you had in this shitty world.

Your mom had her issues between being bipolar and an addict. Your dad was alcoholic and addict as well. And when those two were put together, it was train wreck bound to happen. Your mom was always in an out of your lives. Always coming back for money or her fix of needing to see her kids on one of her highs, before shooting out of town again. Your dad was an asshole; always trying to sneak his way into the house that was in his name, but never paid the bills you worked so hard to come by.

You worked odd jobs, never able finding a position for a sixteen-year-old drop-out that lands you a pay for more than three weeks. Once you were no longer needed, you were discarded. You have resorted to selling stolen parts, pickpocketing, and dealing on the corner even. But you did it all in the name of your family.

Even if the authorities didn’t see it that way.

The world was a cruel place where even the most innocent were forced to result to cruel and unusual methods to survive. You were still so young, and pretty much a high school dropout considering your disregard for your grades, since the concern and wellbeing of your siblings came first. You were only a junior in high school and wouldn’t be considered a drop out till next year when you can properly inform your counselor that you would not be walking across the stage with the rest of your class to accept your diploma.

A tall figure blocked your vision as you zigzagged through the crowded path walk. He wore one of the infamous kuttes belonging to the MC that resonated in Charming; the Sons of Anarchy. The reaper stared back at you, daring you to play your game. You knew it was risk to even think about stealing from a Son — perhaps even stupid, but you needed money for the mortgage this month or else the threat of a foreclosure looming over your head would soon come true. You watched as the Son sauntered over to the rest of his ‘brothers’ by the bikes lined up on the street.

You knew you could run like you were on the track team if needed, with the agility of cat to climb fences and trees; but was it worth the risk if you got caught?

Fuck it.

You weren’t gonna get caught.

Formulating a plan in your head, you headed straight in the direction of the MC grouped around their bikes. Your body collided with a hard surface.

“Woah!”

Using the distraction, you quickly darted your hand down the depths of the pocket near you and gripped the leather wallet before hiding it in your hand under the overgrown sleeves of your hoodie. You played the part well, stumbling around like you had two left feet. “Sorry, sorry,” you repeated frantically, keeping your head down as you passed by the group of rowdy bikers.

“Careful there,” a playful voice emitted.

You didn’t bother to look who said it, as your only goal was to get out of there swift and undetected.

With a cocked eyebrow, Jax only shook his head, disregarding the odd encounter, reaching into his pocket for his cigarettes. His eyebrows furrowed as his jean pocket felt lighter than usual. He pulled out the contents; being only his lighter with the reaper emblem and his pack. It dinged in head when he realized his wallet was missing from the pile. “Son of a — They stole my wallet!”

It only took a second to register with the others before Jax, Chibs, Happy, and Tig took off after the thief. You heard the shouts and sounds of heavy shoes hitting the concrete, encouraging you to break off into a sprint. Your feet guided you into an alleyway that would cut into the street across from the public park. You spotted the dumpster next to the chain-link fence and ran to it. As soon as you got one leg hooked on one side of the bar, you were grabbed by the back of your hoodie and slammed into the brick, making you yelp at the force.

“I don’t think so shithead.”

You struggled against a pair of strong arms, caged between them and the rough wall behind you, scraping you through the cotton. No doubt dirtying the oversized sweatshirt you wore.

Your hood was pulled off and you were faced with four men in the infamous leather kuttes that burned you at the sight. The one you stole from with the slicked back hair had the President patch, the one on his left who was holding you had graying black hair and a beard, but his most defining feature were the two scars that carved upwards from his mouth, and he had the V. President patch stitched on his leather. The other two stood behind them menacingly, one bald with tattoos trailing up and down his arms and the other with wild, untamed, raven black curls reaching his shoulders.

“Fuck,” you seethed in anger at yourself for being so stupid.

How are you gonna get yourself out of this one now, (Y/N)?

Their faces went from dark and menacing to surprise, and may you say, curiosity?

“Shite, ye is just a kid.” The vice had a thick Scottish accent, his speech pronounced.

“Jesus Christ,” The raven curly haired man exasperated.

“Jax what are we gonna do?” The bald one asked his prez calmly, eyeing you skeptically.

“Take ‘em with us.” He shook his head, matching his unsure attitude.

“C’mon kid,” the one with the Scottish accent ushered you away from the wall, with one hand firmly attached to your shoulder in case you decided to make another break for it, but not so much that it hurt you — more or less of a warning.

The four Sons brought you back to the ice cream parlor you passed earlier. Word on the street (since the residents of Charming were just as nosy and gossip-like as the average teenage girl) was that the Sons purchased said ice cream shop because their Clubhouse blew up. You remember hearing the explosion all the way on the other side of town at home when it was late hours into the night. You remember when the news program the next morning went on and on about it. They wouldn’t shut up.

You sat at one of the booths where they left whom they called a ‘prospect’ to be your own personal watch dog, while them four and a couple other went upstairs to discuss what to do with you.

You were picking at the cuticles of your fingernails, bored and anxious over the situation. You had less than a half hour till you had to go pick up Zoe from Mrs. Deidra, but you were stuck as the Son’s current prisoner. You were just a kid, they weren’t gonna punish you severely...right? They are outlaws, but the look on their faces when they realized how old you really were-

“Kid!”

You turned around in your seat and saw the Puerto Rican patch you briefly caught the name of as Juice when you first arrived at the shop. He motioned for you to follow him through the doorway where a set of stairs led directly to the next floor, to the Sons, and to your doom.

“Come on.”

You remained silent, still not having said a word since they caught you, and followed the man. He led you to a pair of wooden doors, opening one, and allowing you to walk inside first. With several pairs of eyes on you, scrutinizing you, you felt smaller than you already were.

“Take a seat,” the blond at the head of the table motioned his head towards the empty chair opposite him.

Wordlessly, you walked to the chair, sliding it out from under the table, only making you cringe as the pure silent room was filled with the obnoxious screech the chair made when it scratched against the floorboards. Once seated, you brought one leg up to your chest, and let your arm cradle it as your other hand laid flat on the table with the reaper carved in the center.

No one said a thing, which only made feel more awkward and out of place than anything. The blond, Jax, had gotten his wallet back already, but you knew what you did would not go unpunished.

“What’s your name?” Jax questioned.

You hesitated, but considering the situation you were in, you decided to just cooperate. “(Y/N)...”

They each went around the table sprouting off their names. Some of them cool, some odd.

“Cool name,” Bobby nodded at you.

You scrunched up your nose at the attempt at a compliment. “I’m sixteen...not six.”

“Good point,” he added, looking to his prez for help on how to talk to you, not having much experience with teenagers, even though he was one once upon a time ago.

“Did you need the money?” Jax had taken in your appearance and noticed the baggy stained sweatshirt you were drowning in, the ripped-up jeans which were easy to tell were not bought in that condition, and the worn-out sneakers that looked to be a size too small; and by the way you walked, it wouldn’t be surprising if you had blisters. Besides the clothes which hid most of your form, just by your face, your eyes were a dead giveaway — they didn’t have the youth effect of bright and happy. They looked stressed and tired.

“Does it matter?”

“Yeah,” the bald man with tattoos whose name you found out was Happy, had cut in.

“Why? I stole from you. Now, what, we’re swapping life stories?”

Tig leaned forward in his chair, his gaze met yours. “Your (Y/L/N)’s kid? The oldest right?”

Of course they’d figure out who you were. Small town life was a curse. This whole town knew the tragic and pitiful story of the (Y/L/N)’s. Headcase mother, druggie and alcoholic father, and the four kids on their own. The father racking up more debt and charges to his rep sheet than respect from his kids.

Your eyes narrowed at the question, straightening up in the chair. “That’s right.”

“We’re not gonna hurt you.”

You scoffed, not even bothering to hide the bite in your tone, “Well, that’s a relief. Can I go?”

Jax smirked, quirking up an eyebrow in amusement. “Got somewhere better to be?”

“As of a matter of fact, yes, I do.”

“Which is?”

“None of your damn business,” you snapped.

“Easy kid, you’re in our house,” the bald man with the tattoo sleeves warned you. “You stole from us.”

“Then either let me pay for my sins or let me go.”

“We had a better idea,” the Puerto Rican with a mirror tribal tat on his head told you, causing you to send him a look of confusion.

“What now?”

You stood on the porch of your neighbor’s house as she handed you Zoe. The year old gurgled and squealed in delight as she was placed into your arms. She pulled at the strings of your hoodie as you adjusted her. “Thanks again, Mrs. Deidra. I’m sorry I was so late, I got held up.”

“Oh, that’s all right, dear.” The elder woman brushed off with a light hand gesture. Her eyes peered over your shoulder, seeing a couple men of the motorcycle gang of the town at the end of her driveway leaning against a black SUV. “You aren’t getting into any trouble now, are you?”

“No of course not,” you gave her your most innocent smile, “but I best be going. Derek and Jordie should already be on their way home.”

“Oh yes! Do tell those two I miss having them around. They are welcome over anytime. You too, dear. Don’t be a stranger!”

“I won’t. Have a good night!”

“You too, (Y/N).” She waved you off, watching you bounce down the steps with your baby sister securely in your arms from behind the glass of her front door.

Once you stood in front of the Sons, Happy and Juice, they guided you towards the black SUV they brought you in. A young curly brunette with blonde highlights who you noticed was involved with the president, walked in with two blonde boys who were be exact replicas of their father. You were briefly introduced to the mother who you learned was Tara. You could tell she was informed of who you were as soon as she laid her eyes on you. But you didn’t have enough times for pleasantries as you were guided out by the Tacoma Killer and Puerto Rican.

As Happy opened the back door for you, you opened your mouth to object — you still had to pick up Derek and Jordi.

“Two other patches were sent to pick up your brother and sister.”

Without another word you pulled yourself up into the SUV with one hand as the other hand held onto the one-year-old in your arms. Happy closed the door behind you as Juice got settled behind the wheel. The drive was quiet for the most part, no one said much besides the low voices from the radio of classic rock, and your baby sister who gurgled and babbled here and there. It didn’t take long till you ended back in front of the new SAMCRO Clubhouse disguised as an ice cream shop. The minute you stepped out of the car, you saw your other two siblings seated at the bar where the man with prosthetic hands was handing them plastic spoons for their ice cream cups in front of them. Beside them was the older blond boy that you figured was Jax’s son, who also had ice cream and was chatting with Jordan and Derek.

“Pres wants to speak with you in Chapel,” the guy with the shaggy hair and the prospect patch told you as soon as you entered the little shop where everyone but Jax and the woman, Tara, were.

“Okay. Just, ah, give me a sec?”

The prospect nodded and stood off to the side as the other patches took their seats around the shop.

You rubbed Derek’s back as you placed a kiss on the top of his head, “Hey, buddy. How was school?”

“It was good, got a project due next Friday.”

“Mmm, tell me more about it in a bit. I just got to wrap something up real quick then I’m all yours, okay? Keep an eye on Jordi and Zoe for me please.”

“Okay, I will.” And with that he joined back in on the little conversation between the three kids seated at the bar.

“Thanks, baby,” You sent him a smile as you placed Zoe in his arms. It grew slightly as he grabbed his spoon that had a little bit of chocolate ice cream at the tip and placed it at Zoe’s lips, the baby opening her mouth to welcome the frozen treat.

You placed a kiss on Jordan’s head, greeting her the same way you did Derek, and asking how her day went at school before you told her that you would be right back.

The prospect guided you up the stairs to the “Chapel” (or the same room you were in earlier with the giant ass table in the middle). He opened the door for you after delivering a couple brief knocks to let those inside know you were coming in. You entered the room alone, noticing Jax seated in his seat at the head of the table, with his wife to his left. The brunette motioned for you to take the seat across from her on Jax’s right where you noticed Happy sitting earlier.

Your nerves only increased as your feet carried you closer to the redwood table. For whatever the Pres and his Old Lady wanted to discuss, you just hoped it didn’t come to the harm of your siblings. You made a choice that affected all of you, but you should be the one to deal with the consequences. When Juice said they had another idea on what to do with you the men didn’t fill you in on what they meant. They just had you explain why you needed to leave then sent Happy and Juice to escort you.

You sat down, wringing your hands together nervously before finally folding them on the table in front of you. “Before you start, I just want to get something out there. My siblings and I...we’re a package deal. What happens to one of us, happens to us all. I’m sure you can understand because those men downstairs aren’t like your family. They are.”

Jax nodded, allowing you to continue.

“And I didn’t fully take that into account when I stole your wallet. I’m not gonna say I’m sorry. I regret my actions because my consequences might impact my brother and sisters, but I’m not gonna apologize. I did what I did knowing the risks. It was stupid and desperate on my part and I take full responsibility for it, but sorry isn’t gonna change what happened. Sorry is just another way of begging for forgiveness, and I’m not asking for that.” You told the both of them.

“Thank you for your honesty,” he bowed his head towards you, putting out the cigarette he was pulling on.

“Everything I do is for them. We’re all each other has. I’m the only person viable to take care of them. With our mother god knows where and our father-” You had to cut yourself off as the air got caught in your throat, eyes glazing over at the fact that you were there lifeline, and they were yours. If something happens to you, you don’t know what will happen to them. What your father might turn them into...

“I’m not asking you to spare me from whatever it is you have decided — and I know I have no right asking this, but do you think you can keep an eye on them for me? Make sure they’re okay? I..I’m too far gone. I’ve done things I can’t take back. I’ve hurt people. I’m a thief and a liar — a damn street rat. But they can still get out of this shithole. They can leave and never look back; make something of themselves...”

“I’m asking you if you take me, spare them. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want your sympathy. I just want to know if they’re gonna be okay when I’m gone.”

The two other people in the room took in what you said. There minds still set on the decision they made. Your words only swaying them to solidify what was chosen.

“We’re not gonna hurt you.” Tara spoke softly, slowly reaching her hand out to lay on top of yours. Your reflex was to pull away, but you hesitated as the warmth covered your laced fingers like a blanket. “We wanna help you. It’s not out of sympathy or pity. It’s admirable, actually, what lengths and sacrifices you’re willing to go to for them. Something like that is rare. I hope one day our boys will have that strong of a bond.”

Jax cut in, “My wife and I talked it over, and we want you four to come stay with us for a little while.”

“I can’t ask you of that-”

“You’re not.” He stopped you. “It’s not permanent, but until we find something long term, we just figured you might be a little more comfortable with someone who had kids or was more reliable.”

“I work at St. Thomas from mornings to mid-to-late afternoons. I have Thomas at the daycare there while I work, and Abel goes to pre-school. I could sign Zoe up for the daycare if you’d like. Drop her off, pick her up. You wouldn’t have to worry about a thing. I could put your name on the list so you could still go see her.” Tara offered. “We could also get you job after school. We could use someone behind the counters, finally get this place up and running more smoothly.”

They got stutters in reply, clearly due to you being overwhelmed. They were offering much more then you already had. A roof over your head where you didn’t have to worry about bills, a steady job, and a parental and maternal figure (you were still sketchy about but would be good for your siblings to have).

“Listen, kid, we get that this must be a lot for you. We understand if you wouldn’t want to stay with us, some of the other guys have offered if you’re interested, but don’t take this as an opportunity to run. We get you don’t trust us, and we’ll work on that, but your family now. And family takes care of family.”

Your (e/c) orbs were wide with disbelief and uncertainty, but they could see the hope sparking behind those walls you have built up. The man you knew as an intimidating outlaw biker gave you a small but warm, inviting smile.

“Whataya say?”

SOA TAG LIST: @lexiesmain @talicat713 @woahitslucyylu @xx--day-dreamer--xx @sweetpeaflower01 @rebelwrites

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winchest09 · 3 years

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The Bunker Party - January Debrief

Hey my darlings!

So, The Bunker Party was back with a bang for the first month of 2021 and it was so nice to see so many wonderful and beautiful faces, new and old, on the stream. I have so much stuff to share with you, my fingers will ache once I’ve finished typing it all.

The stream was just amazing. It was filled with fun, laughter, and so many of you sharing your love for all things Supernatural. Seriously, SPN does have THEE best fandom and I’m so glad to be a part of it.

6 hours we were hanging out for! To see so many beautiful faces, hear so many lovely voices and to spend time with all you guys was just a dream! The support from everyone for each other, the love in this fandom; I can’t express how much I adore it.

I love holding these events and as I mentioned last night, the next one will be in February (date to be announced) and I’m already looking forward to seeing so you all again.

So…to the debrief!

Below you will find:

Everyone who joined - their tags, what’s coming up fic wise and their masterlist.

Announcements, News and links to Patreons and Etsy shops!

Challenges to join - we have SIX!

Blogs who want to help with your writing

Graphics and Icons

Fic & blog recs

You are the guys that make it the live stream what it is, and we can never thank you enough. So below is a list of everyone who was on the chat yesterday accompanied by their masterlist and a little blurb of what they have coming up soon! For your reading pleasure and in no particular order…

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@waywardbeanie: Shelli has come so far in the matter of a few months. From being a reader to now a series writer! She has one series under her belt already and is well on her way with her second on, Life on Tour. She is ALSO planning her third, which we may have had a sneak peak too last night and I am BEYOND excited.

You can find her masterlist HERE

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@deanwanddamons: Sian has come so far in a year! She has several series on the go, so many oneshots and I already know her plans for her next series. There are more plans for The Show Must Go On, Mechanic and Mistletoe and others. OH, I am excited!

Her masterlist can be found HERE

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@jensengirl83: Brandy is such a sweetheart and we adore her. She’s still under the year mark for writing but that doesn’t stop her from nailing it. With one series completed, a ton of oneshots under her belt, she’s now working on her second series and is smashing it.

You can find her masterlist HERE

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@whatareyousearchingfordean: Alex is nailing it at the moment with her fictions. She’s currently posting Happiness Continued (the sequel to Happiness Begins) which is nearing it’s end *sobs* BUT we were spoiled to some spoilers and information about what’s coming next. Ohhhh we have two more series on the way and they are juicy! Head over to her blog to find out one of them, she’s announced it already ;)

Her masterlist can be found HERE

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@superfanficnatural: Mert has took some time away from the writing world but nothing could keep him from showing his fantastic self on our livestream. He’s has finally gotten back into his writing thanks to much encouragement ;) and is chipping away at the next add for his series The Choice. We’re super proud of him.

He has some other series in the works, a couple of collaborations that he’s got under his belt too…

Go and give him some love, his masterlist can be found HERE

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@soaringeag1e: We adore Meg and she is a regular on our stream. She has such an extensive list of SPN fanfiction that it’s a treat for your eyeballs!

She is currently working on her series Escape and we have been treated to hearing about some of her new series that she has coming out very soon! Fake Dating anyone? YES PLEASE. Head over and get yourself signed up if you’re not already!

You can find her masterlist HERE

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@thinkinghardhardlythinking: Saira is absolutely nailing it when it’s coming to writing at the moment and her words are out of this world. She’s recently been sucked into the Royal AU and is writing a Knight!Sam x Reader fic and it is TO DIE FOR.

She’s such a sweetheart. Please show her some love and support <3 You can find her masterlist HERE

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@janicho88: This lovely lady is working on some absolute winners at the minute. “Falling for You” and “Fire, Fur and Mistletoe” to name just a couple! She is one of the kindest and supportive souls that you will ever meet. Definitely one to check out and read!

You can find her masterlist HERE

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@downanddirtydean: Lydia was new to our stream and I cannot say how much I enjoyed having this beaut on there. She is working on some AMAZING pieces at the moment. Holidate being one of them! Fake Dating anyone? UHH YEAH! She also has over 30 smutty oneshots... You can find her masterlist HERE

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@carryonmywaywardcaptain: Jordan was another new face to our stream last night and it was so nice getting to know her. She told all about what she is currently working on. “Miles of Memories” is a best friend to lover AU which sounds absolutely incredible. If you’re not checking her out already, what are you waiting for?

You can find her her masterlist HERE

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@sams-sass: Chelsea was new to our stream and the award for the first Sam girl to grace our screen has been awarded. She is an absolute sweetheart and with what we heard about her works, her idea and what she’s got coming up...I AM SOLD. She has told us that she is currently working on “Secrets in the Snow” and we are EXCITED.

She is a creative genius and I’m living for it.

You can find her masterlist HERE

@flamencodiva: Vanessa is still in the process of reposting everything she had lost back onto her blog and she is slowly but surely, getting up to date. We have been told what is coming up, more “What He Lost, What He Found” as well as “The Hunters Encyclopaedia”. She is also working on some wonderful new series’ behind the scenes and we may have been teased to a collab that will be coming your way soon!

Check out her masterlist HERE

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@that-one-gay-girl: Sydney is such a kind soul and an absolute beaut, and we were so happy to see her on our stream. Even though she is a fairly new writer, that hasn’t stopped her from bashing out some fabulous pieces of fiction! She has a completed series under her belt and is currently working on the next chapter of “Oh, Baby” as well as “A Hero’s Journey”

You can find her masterlist HERE

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@deangirl93: Our first Aussie that has graced our stream and what an abolute babe she is. For a new writer, she has come so far in the matter of months. She has her first completed series “Life Lessons” under her belt as well as some phenomenal oneshots. We’ve also been told about her works that are coming up... Demon!Dean or Dean Smith anyone? ;)

You can find her masterlist HERE

@anathewierdo: Ana is such a darling and we always love having her on the streams. She’s currently reposting her fic Call of the Ocean which is a collaboration with Flamencodiva. Not only that, she’s also working on a Princess Diaries AU, a Serial Killer AU and many more!

You can find her masterlist HERE

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@emoryhemsworth: This beaut has had a couple of busy months but she is currently working on her series called “Losing Sleep” as well as plotting her amazing TWD crossover fic which we cannot wait for!

Check our her masterlist HERE:

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@anaelsbrunette: We loved having Yas on our stream and she told us all about the juicyness that she’s got coming our way. She is concentrating on darker stuff at the moment but we have also been told that she has a Mafia AU that will soon grace our screens...keep your eyes peeled!

Check it out and give her some love.

You can find her masterlist HERE

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@impalawrites: Pala joined our stream for a while and it was lovely to hear her voice and for her tell us what’s going on in her writing life. She has recently changed her blog name (she was impala-1979) and now she is focusing on not just supernatural but many other fandoms too!

She has many, many more goodies on offer and is doing wonderfully!

You can find her masterlist HERE

–

@defenderrosetyler: Ali came back to our stream and we loved having her. She currently has a couple of oneshots available on her masterlist for both Sam and Dean! She is definitely one to keep an eye out for! She’s a total sweetheart too!

You can find her masterlist HERE

–

@wonder-cole: Such a sweetheart and a wonderful person. New to the stream this time and we loved having her. She told us all about her amazing ideas and what she is writing at the moment. In the works there is going to be a Son’s of Anarchy crossover, Michael!Dean and a male reader fic AND a Bi!Reader and Charlie fic.

*squee* We are excited.

You can find her masterlist HERE

@katelynw93: Kate is a new writer to the supernatural fandom but she is doing so so well! She has a bunch of stuff for both Sam and Dean and her writing is just AMAZING. She is definitely one to go and check out!

You can find her masterlist HERE

@chocolateheart: Marcie is a little ray of sunshine and her writing always gets me hooked. She has no series as of yet but I have heard of what she is cooking up and I am excited! She has some fabulous fluffy and sexy oneshots though that you should definitely check out!

You can find her masterlist HERE

@anotherspnfanfic: Another wonderful new face to our stream this time around and were so happy that she joined us! Again, this wonderful writer has an amazing list of oneshots but no series as of yet. She is definitely one to be checking out!

You can find her masterlist HERE

@440mxs-wife: Another new beautiful face to our stream! It was so nice to have her join us and we have found another little hidden treasure trove of fictions! Her masterlist covers more than just Sam and Dean, we have fics for Cas, Gabriel and Ketch too!

You can find her masterlist HERE

Me: Well, Life for Rent is completed! My new series “Hello, Sailor” is in progress and I’m about to finish my mini series “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”. I have also just posted a smut filled oneshot called “Do Not Disturb” and I have plans for many more stories! Seriously...my idea doc is screaming at me! Ahah.

My masterlist can be found HERE:

HONORARY MENTIONS

Now, these guys are regulars to our livestreams and/or do a hell of a lot to support other people within the supernatural fandom. So it’s only fair that we give them a shout out and to share the love with them too!

In no particular order:

–

@smol-and-grumpy: Nat has such a juicy masterlist and can I just mention that since our last livestream, she has completed quite a few other series and is now posting two new ones! A personal fav of mine is “Legally Yours” IT IS CERTIFIED GOLD.

You can find her masterlist HERE

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@talesmaniac89: Our darling Tales is taking a hiatus at the moment but her blog is still worth checking out. She has some amazing series and such a long list of fics under her belt as well as SO MANY GRAPHICS. She’s an absolute sweetheart and I adore her greatly.

Check her out guys, her masterlist is HERE

–

@katehuntington: Kate is also taking a hiatus at the moment but again, it’s a blog definitely worth checking out. Her writing is exquisite and the imagery she paints is just wonderful. Ride with Me anyone? She also has an OFC Fic too!

Her masterlist can be found HERE

–

@atc74: Ang is such a wonderful supporter to new and old writers alike on tumblr. I am always seeing her reblogging peoples stories and offereing words of kindness and positivity. Not only that, she has a wonderful masterlist of her own fabulous creations too!

Her masterlist can be found HERE

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To the upcoming writers & readers…

@abuavnee, @winchesterxfamilybusiness, @adoptdontshoppets, @zooaliaa, @carolinabeauty6298, @akshi8278 & the few nonnies we had!

Sabrina: We know that you’ve dabbled with some writing already but if you need us for anything, idea bouncing or anything, just hit us up, you know where we are <3

Abu: Girl, your first of writing blew me away with how poetic it was and it was so nice to put a face to a name yesterday. If you ever need help with writing, give us a message!

Karen: Your support to all of us writers is just phenomenal and I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to leave such wonderful comments. We appreciate you so much <3

Zoe: Even though you’re not a new writer, you’re new to tumblr and we were so intrigued about the fic idea you already have posting to wattpad right now. Welcome to the family babe!

MJ: Again, your support to all of us writers is just the best. Thank you for taking the time to read through our stuff, it means the absolute world.

Akshita: Another fabulous reader who offers wonderful support to all of us writers. Thank you so much for all of your comments and your kind words.

We want to thank all of you for your constant support, your feedback, your words, your reactions to what we write. Your likes, your reblogs, your asks. We appreciate every single thing you do. So thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We love you. Also, remember guys - we’re all here to love and support you! My inbox is always open if you want to talk about anything and everything. Even if you wish to start writing…give any of us a shout. We’re here to help! Thank you for joining the chat and we hope you had an amazing time <3 Please spread the love and show your support to all of these amazing people, go follow and give them some love!

We’ve got some goodies for you!

We want to bring to everyone’s attention once again, the wonderful organisation that is Ficfasers, an international fundraising group of authors and artists who love Supernatural. They offer thank yous to people who agree to donate to Random Acts by creating stories/art, crafts, and more for winning bidders and ticket buyers!

Again, this is amazing and it’s something that so many of us can get involved in. We’ve been told an event is coming up around the holiday period so watch this space!

Want to write for Charity?

Check out their tumblr HERE

and their website HERE

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Follower achievements!

Join me in congratulating these amazing blogs as they have surpassed or are close to a follower milestone!

@waywardbeanie is closing in on 600 followers! @downanddirtydean has passed 500 followers!

@superfanficnatural is closing in on 900 followers! @jensengirl83 is closing in on 900 followers! @deangirl93 is closing in on 500 followers!

Congratulations guys!

If you’re not following them already, head on over and show them your support!

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Want to be the first to read new chapters of your favourite fics?

Some of our fabulous livestream participants have Patreon!

For a small fee a month, you get personalised drabbles, oneshots and MORE as well as first dibs on new chapters before ANYONE else! Please consider giving them your support.

The links for each authors Patreon is below: @cockslut-padalecki - Find hers HERE

@flamencodiva - Find hers HERE

@soaringeag1e - Find hers HERE

@impalawrites - Find hers HERE

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Want to support new creators and get your hands on some SPN Merch?

We have two etsy shops to share with you! Both of them make some amazing things and are definitely worth checking out if you’re wanting to treat yourself.

@downanddirtydean has a wonderful little shop full of supernatural goodies like scrunchies and stickers! You can check it out HERE & @that-one-gay-girl has a little shop where she offers custom portraits and I have been told that some Spn goodies are on the way too! Check it out HERE

Oh, IT’S CHALLENGE TIME. This month, we have SIX challenges for you to get involved in!

First of all, we still have @janicho88 100 follower Christmas themed challenge! It ends on the 31st January but there are still spots left!

Check it out, HERE

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Secondly, we have @wonder-cole‘s 100 follower celebration too! This challenge is pretty unique as she has taken the things her 11 year old has said for the prompts!

You can check it out, HERE

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Thirdly, we @deanwanddamons 2K follower and 1 Year blogiversary challenge! She’s taken some inspiration from the movies and come up with some quotes, the challenge is open until the 1st February!

Check it out, HERE

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Fourthly, we have @downanddirtydean‘s 500 follower celebration! She has come up with a list of 50 prompts to tickle your pickle and to make it juicer, she’s added in a giveaway of prizes that she makes herself!

Take a look and enter the challenge, HERE

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Fifthly, we have @carryonmywaywardcaptain‘s Supernaturally Marvelous challenge! This challenge has a list of songs, AU’s, Dialogue prompts and more to choose from!

Check it out, HERE

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And last, but certainly not least, we have @flamencodiva‘s Writing Challenge which she holds every few months to help when you get that dreaded writers block. Who knows, maybe her prompt will spark a wave of inspiration!

Check it out, HERE

Need a graphic? Header, banner, divider?

Our gorgeous @talesmaniac89 is available to create whatever you would like! She’s the creator behind our banners for this post and numerous other masterlist across the board. Give her a message!

Struggling with some smut?

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Fic Recs!

True Loves Kiss

@carryonmywaywardbucky

Pairing: Non Yet, eventual Sam Winchester x Reader

Summary: When word of a cursed prince reached your kingdom, your king knew exactly who to send to try and wake him up. The king treated you like the daughter he never had, so question never crossed his mind when he gave you what he hoped would be your final mission.

—

My Brother’s Girl By @cockslut-padalecki

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader, Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: When Dean returns from Purgatory, he hopes to be reunited with his long term girlfriend Y/N and Sam after five long years without them. But when he shows up at Sam’s door unable to locate her, Dean realises he doesn’t need to look much farther to find her.

—

All The Good Girls Go To Hell By @cockslut-padalecki

Pairing: Step Dad!Sam x Step Daughter!Reader, Uncle!Dean x Niece!Reader

Summary: When Sam marries into Y/N’s family he naively believes she’s a little princess incapable of putting a step wrong. But once he comes face to face with evidence that proves she’s far from angelic which also implicates his own brother in her misdeeds, Sam finds himself battling against his own moral judgement.

—

Corrupted By @cockslut-padalecki

Pairing: Lawyer!Sam x Reader.

Summary: When Sam inadvertently chooses to work instead of spend time with Y/N, she decides on a little revenge to show him what he’s missing… however she massively underestimates Sam and his power to put her in her place.

—

Crimson Leaves By @waywardrose13

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: The dead have risen. Amid a global pandemic that causes the dead to prowl the Earth, a leader of a small camp in North Carolina fights for survival. Y/n Y/l/n was certain of three things: One, only a bite would turn you. Two, the brain must be destroyed in order to completely kill the thing. Three, trust no one. When a stranger is brought to her camp half alive, Y/n must make the decision to throw him to the walkers, or let the mystery man heal within the gates. As Dean Winchester recovers from a zombie attack, he worms his way into the camp, and eventually into Y/n’s heart. Love is a dangerous game, especially when it’s played with the dead.

—

Flashes By @our-jensen-ackles-love

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Summary: Playboy Jensen Ackles is hurting his television show’s image. Every time he promised to get his act together, it’d last for about a week before pictures emerge of him half-drunk with some broad on his arm. Fed up and desperate, his agent decides their only hope to save some face is to write up a contract with a nobody girl who could use the money while getting to play the role of Jensen’s girlfriend. It was only for a year and it was only for the photos. But feelings don’t always follow the rules, do they?

—

Icarus By @savior-adriana

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Demon!Reader

Summary: She was a succubus – a sex demon, held captive by the Winchesters and despite Sam’s desperate attempts to stop his brother from giving in, Dean loses the battle against his need for her.

—

Frozen By @watermelonlipstick

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader

Summary: Sam and the reader get stranded on the highway during a snowstorm.

—

Dean’s Jeans By @watermelonlipstick

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: A late summer afternoon on your cul-de-sac with Dean, Sam, your daughters, and their cousin DJ.

—

Till Death Do Us Part? By @amanda-teaches

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: At a work party with your best friend, Dean, you panic when your new boss asks if you’re couple. Lying to protect your promotion, you wind up fake engaged before you can take it back. When Dean agrees to go along with your lie for a weekend retreat, you end up finding something neither of you had bargained for: love.

—

Broken By @atwistoffate

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: The man you love is about to marry someone else. This is how the worst day of your life begins.

—

Blue or Red By @atwistoffate

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: Can two people who broke up be friends again? Just friends?

—

It Was You By @jerkbitchidjitassbutt

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Female Reader

Summary: Jensen and Y/n are childhood best friends. When his agent informs him that his image could use some improvement for a role, will she help him? Or will her feelings get in the way?

—

Not Losing You By @luci-in-trenchcoats

Pairing: Mechanic!Dean Winchester x reader

Summary: The reader is pulled over on the side of the road when a man suddenly appears and proceeds to collapse in front of her. Little does she know, that may be a good thing for them both…

—

By My Side By @luci-in-trenchcoats

Pairing: Bodyguard!Jensen Ackles x Reader

Summary: While at home one night, the reader, an actress, is almost kidnapped and at her friend’s suggestion she hires Jensen as her bodyguard. After a rocky start, the pair begin to get along and tensions ease when they think the threat against her has subsided. But as things at home get better, the reader’s family comes to town and all Hell breaks loose…

—

With All My Heart By @torn-and-frayed

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Summary: N/A

—

Protector By @fictionalabyss

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: N/A

—

La Petite Mort By @percywinchester27

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader AU

Summary: The reader has just shifted to a new flat and boy, someone on the floor has a really banging sex life! The passionate moans have been keeping her up for several nights in row and enough is enough! Reader has her suspicions, but is it really the green-eyed hottie from room no. 307?

—

You’re Home By @acreativelydifferentlove

Pairing: Alpha!Dean x Omega!Reader

Summary: After years away at college, you have finally returned to your home town. In order to settle back into the community, you have to seek permission from the Head Alpha. What happens when you see his son for the first time since presenting as an Omega?

—

A Gentleman’s Agreement By @stusbunker

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Benny LaFitte

Summary: N/A

—

Stolen Crown By @roonyxx & @jay-and-dean

Pairing: Dean Winchester x reader / Knight!Dean x reader

Summary: What happens when she is sent in a world that isn’t hers, but with very familiar faces ?

—

Ablaze By @ellewritesfix05

Pairing: Firefighter!Dean x Doctor!Reader

Summary: Y/N Y/L/N’s life is simple — work, books, and saving lives. But when a handsome firefighter comes to her hospital in need of care, her life gets turned upside down as she quickly falls for the green-eyed hero. Will being with him prove to be what was missing from her life?

—

No Forgetting You By @ellewritesfix05

Pairing: MOC!/Demon!Dean x Reader

Summary: Being Dean Winchester’s girlfriend is no easy task. Through thick and thin, (Y/N) remained fighting monsters by his side. But what will happen when Dean becomes one of those monsters? In this story, the Reader is faced with difficult situations and decisions that will turn her once-perfect life upside down.

—

Mess is Mine By @supernaturalfreewill

Pairing: Sam Winchester x Reader

Summary: Fic based on ‘Mess Is Mine’ by Vance Joy originally requested by anonymous! You might not want to read this when you’re home alone or sitting in the dark. Just FYI. It’s kinda creepy

—

White Picket Fence By @negans-lucille-tblr

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: Dean finally gets his American dream life. A perfect wife, big house and the perfectly obnoxious neighbors beyond a white picket fence. But what goes on behind closed doors is far from suburban.

—

Other Fandom Recs!

Sunrise By @wkemeup

Pairing: bucky x reader (veteran!bucky x librarian!reader)

Summary: After an explosion takes his arm and his only sense of belonging, Bucky is discharged from active duty and sent back to civilian life. Left with a storm of unchecked guilt, Bucky is content to live out the rest of his days in the hollow comfort of the dark. This is, until Sam drags him down to the local VA and he meets you. (Modern AU)

————————-

I think that’s it!

Phew! I hope you all enjoy this recap! Thank you so much once again to everyone who joined the chat, we had 6 hours of laughs and I cannot wait to do it again. I’d appreciate it if you could share this to spread the love of the fics and authors on here!

Keep an eye out for the next date for our next livestream! It will be in February. If you guys have any idea’s or want something included, let us know. If you want to be tagged when we announce, let us know!

See you next time!

xox

#the bunker party #dean winchester fanfiction #sam winchester fanfiction #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural family #dean winchester x reader #sam winchester x reader #rec post #share the love #spread the positivity #thebunkerparty #love you guys #winchest09

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bordeleaubeau · 4 years

Text

my ex’s best friend - trevor zegras

wc: 4212

trigger warning: talks about the loss of a parent and being walked out on.

based on my ex’s best friend by blackbear and mgk:)

“god i cannot wait for jack to be here!” jordan gushes as she runs her hand through her hair, messing up her curls just enough. “it’s been so long, and i know he’s definitely gone to parties back in michigan, but college parties are so much more better. not that he’d know that though.”

you laugh louder than you mean to, but you can’t help but agree with your best friend. jack and you had grown up together in michigan and you were so close that you were basically ellen’s honorary daughter. it also helped you had played for little caesars girl’s team, so you’d occasionally see the youngest hughes every now and then. with that, you got a scholarship offer from harvard and the rest was history.

now, this is where things get more interesting. you introduced jordan and jack, instantly thinking that jordan would be nothing other than a hookup. but jack had taken a serious liking to her and vice versa, which eventually led to them dating after just two months of them knowing each other.

and now here you were, standing in your best friend’s boston university dorm room waiting for your childhood best friend to arrive for the start of his road trip. “he should be here any minute now, jo. newark isn’t that far and-”

you’re cut off by a squeal coming from the brunette, and she’s popping up from her bed. “he’s here!” and just like that, she’s gone and leaving you to sprint after her down the hall to let jack into the building.

you’re laughing following after, no doubt driving the people on the floor below you insane by the sounds of your feet thudding against the carpeted floor. the two of you race down the stairwell until jordan throws open the side door where the first overall stood, a glowing smile on his face at the sight of his two girls.

you stand back, allowing jack and jordan a moment. the two exchange a few words followed by a brief peck to the lips before they release each other from their hold. then it’s your turn, and you’re smiling as you wrap your arms around jack.

“hi jacky,” you mumble into his chest, feeling him quickly kiss the top of your head.

“hey kid, how’ve you been holding up?” god, you wish you didn’t know what he was referring to. but you knew right away.

behind you, jordan is frantically shaking her head with wide eyes trying to take away from the topic. you draw away from jack, trying to find the words. “it still, it still hurts, i guess. but i’m okay, promise.” you give jack a weak smile, one you know he sees right through seeing as he knew you for almost all your life. “are we gonna go or what?”

“yeah jacky, i think it’s time you experience a real party, not one of those dumb little high school parties.” jordan teases her boyfriend and you smile, watching as she links her arm with his. “plus, y/n goes to that smart person school that like, no one has ever heard of before and i heard they don’t know how to have a proper party.” she throws you a smile over her shoulder and you roll your eyes with a smile on your face. if anyone could poke fun at you like that, it was jordan. jordan and jack. and that’s why they made such a perfect couple - jordan was just like jack, so when you didn’t have jack you pretty much had the girl version of him right at your own disposal.

the three of you walk towards where the party of the night is at, letting jordan lead the way seeing as she was the only one that knew where she was going. you knew you’d definitely have a few friends there, and some old ones as well.

“is uh, is you know who going to be there?” you hear jack quietly ask and you swallow hard. you knew he was just trying to be nice by not saying his name, but not saying it only made it feel more real.

“um, i don’t know. i don’t think so. i talked to dom in econ today, they had a big game tonight so they’re probably tired. but i’m not sure, i haven’t talked to him in the past few days.” you cross your arms over your chest, looking to the right towards the street to try and blink the building tears in your eyes away. you shouldn’t feel this way. it was your fault anyway. right?

you keep quiet, trying to distract yourself in any way you possibly could. what you had said was true - you did prefer bu’s parties to harvard’s. there was something about going to a party and being that mysterious girl that could hook up with any guy and him not know anything about you. he couldn’t find you in classes if he was that interested. you couldn’t exactly do that at harvard, being so well known on both campus and the ice.

maybe that was what you needed. a distraction for the night. you were certainly dressed to earn some turned heads, and you were sure you were going to end up using that to your advantage at some point that night.

the three of you walk into the party a few minutes later and right away you have a bad feeling. at that moment you feel like you should trust your gut and just walk away, but you know you can’t just ditch your best friends like that.

jordan turns, yelling over the music. “what do you want to drink? whiteclaw good? me and jack will grab it and then we can all meet up by the living room?”

you nod, giving her a thumbs up not exactly feeling up to yelling over the music. you already felt sick to your stomach, and you weren’t sure the effects of the alcohol would help with this one.

“y/n!” you hear your name being yelled and you quickly turn to see a familiar blonde, and a smile graces your face.

“hey ry!” you move in to hug her, your arms wrapping around her quickly. you met ryley through jordan, of course, and she had to be one of the sweetest girls you had ever met. she was always willing to go the extra mile if necessary. “how’ve you been, babe?”

she shrugs, followed by an exaggerated eye roll. “same old same old. you know how it is. but how are you? you look hot by the way! i’ve already seen like, five guys that can’t keep their eyes off you!”

“i’m doing alright, just waiting for jack and jo. jack’s in town to play the bruins, so he came up for the night to see jo.” ryley nods along with your words, and before she can respond you see jack and jordan walking up from behind, two white cans in jordan’s hands and a giddy smile on her face.

“ryley!” jordan squeals, throwing her arms around the blonde. “ryley you’ve met jack before. don’t have to worry about that one.” you let out a laugh and jordan hands you the mango flavored seltzer and you thank her. “i think jack and i are gonna go play beer pong if you wanna find a partner and play us?”

you purse your lips, trying to think for a second before you ultimately decide to shake your head. “nah, i’m all good. i might play later though.”

“come dance with me and some of the girls then!” ryley smiles, gesturing her head towards the living room where there are plenty of sweaty bodies dancing on one another. you nod your head, accepting her offer.

“i’ll find you in a bit jo! go have fun you two.” jordan smiles at you, blowing you a fake kiss before she pulls jack towards one of the back rooms where you’re sure she’s already scoped out a beer pong table.

you know pretty much all the girls that are all dancing together - there’s amber, then there’s hayden, bella, and then maddie. all fairly sweet girls that you had had multiple encounters with and they were friendly each and every time.

“hi y/n!” bella grins, grabbing your hand and pulling you right into their little group. she glances down at your hand and she gives you a look. “honey you haven’t even-” she stops herself, grabbing your whiteclaw right out of your hand and she cracks it open. “just for that you’ve gotta chug, babe. sorry i don’t make the rules. you’re already slacking.”

“bella!” you laugh, most of it being drowned out by whatever soundcloud remix was being played, but nonetheless you still take the can from her and lift it to your lips, tilting your head back as you drink as much of it as you possibly can.

“that’s our girl!” ryley cheers you on, along with the other girls, and as soon as you empty the contents of your can you’re in a fit of giggles, shaking your head at the girls in front of you.

“you guys are too much, i swear.” you say, setting the empty can on a table behind you that was already littered with plenty of cans. one extra wouldn’t hurt. “you guys are so much better than my harvard friends.”

“which is exactly why you should transfer!” maddie exclaims, her hands going up to emphasize her statement along with a smile.

you jut your bottom lip out, and before you can say anything ryley beats you to it. “she plays a sport, mads. it’s not exactly that easy.”

“nu uh! wait a damn minute, but didn’t you have an offer from bu?” bella puts her hands on her hips, raising one of her eyebrows at you, and you can’t help but laugh at the feeling of being interrogated. if only they knew the whole story.

“i go to harvard solely for hockey. i can’t help that i liked harvard’s staff and coaches better than bu’s!” you defend yourself, but bella isn’t having any of it as she raises one of her hands to your face. “bella, come on.”

“no, no, i don’t wanna hear it. wanted to go to school with snobby rich kids instead of snobby cool kids! i get it!” all four of you are laughing, but it’s probably the alcohol making the situation funnier than it actually was.

you give bella a quick look, “if i wanted to go to school with snobby cool kids then i would’ve gone to bc.” your fit of laughter only intensifies at the look of pure betrayal. bella raises her hand, finger pointing behind your shoulder.

“the door is that way. i think you got lost. don’t let the door hit you on the way out, y/n. actually, i hope it hits you. maybe it’ll knock some sense into your head.” you can only giggle, and it only takes a few seconds before bella’s mean facade falls and she’s laughing as well.

“bel, come with me to grab another drink.” you gesture for her to follow you and she does, singing loudly - and poorly - to ucla. you only join in with her, laughing as the two of you make your way into the backyard where the coolers were. “god, it feels so much better out here.” you grumble, opening one and grabbing a whiteclaw for bella before grabbing one for yourself.

“we can stay out here for a bit, i don’t mind.” bella says, cracking the top of her can and taking a quick sip. “how have you been? after the whole… yeah. and with jack being here, i wasn’t sure if-“

you cut her off and shake her head. “i’m okay. everyone thinks i’m not okay but i, i am. we weren’t together long anyway.”

bella’s eyebrows raise, “y/n. you and trevor were together for over a year, it’s okay if you’re upset! no one would blame you, not one bit. besides, you were really happy with him. everyone wanted to be you two.” you purse your lips, eyes glued to the ground. you met bella the week of the break up, when everything went down, and you had spilled practically everything to her, maddie, hayden, and ryley. and of course jordan.

“i promise bel, i’m doing good. never been better, actually. might just go and hook up with one of his teammates if one’s here, honestly.” bella laughs, nodding her head to agree with your statement. “let's go back in. we’re probably missing, honestly god knows what.”

you go to walk in the house, but bella grabs your wrist to pull you back. “seriously, y/n/n. if you ever need to talk, and you can’t tell jordan because of jack being friends with him, please just know i’m here. right across the river, quite literally, too.” she gives you a soft smile, one that you return.

“thank you bel, i appreciate it.” with one last smile the two of you walk back into the house. “i’m gonna use the bathroom, but i’ll be right back, okay?”

bella nods and the two of you disperse, you heading one way and her the other towards the living room. you end up in the back room, walking towards where you’re assuming the bathroom is, but get stopped by jordan who’s hanging off jack’s arm. “oh y/n/n!” your best friend sings. “dom needs a beer pong partner and i think that you’re the perfect candidate!” she slurs ever so slightly, leaning more into jack. part of you wants to decline, but dom is giving you a cute smile that you just can’t ignore.

“fine.” you sigh, walking over to the table, “long time no see, dom. thought you guys had a game tonight?”

dom shrugs, “we won, so some of us decided to come out and celebrate. probably won’t stay out for too long, you know?” you nod along with him, taking a sip of your drink.

“i get it. and i don’t blame you. i’m dead after games, so kudos to you.” dom chuckles, motioning towards the table.

“we’ve got to come see a game some time. heard you guys aren’t half bad.” you nearly choke on your drink from trying to hold your laugh in, which just makes dom laugh. “what! i’m telling the truth!”

“not as good as bu, that’s for sure. so you’re funny, fensore.” you smile into your drink, eyes glancing behind jordan’s shoulder, and that’s where your entire world comes crashing down.

the second dom said some of the guys were here, you should’ve automatically assumed he’d be here. that’s just the type of guy trevor was - big win? celebrate with a party and end up getting laid by the end of the night. you weren’t surprised.

your initial glance turns into a full on stare, and trevor must feel it. he looks over the shoulder of whoever he’s talking to and his eyes meet yours - and the words you never spoke? he could see them in your eyes. everything you never said was practically laid right out on the table.

“i swear to god, i never fall in love, but, but then you showed up and i can’t get enough of it.” trevor’s words make you freeze, and upon feeling your body go stiff on top of him his hand that’s running up and down your side freezes as well. “y/n?”

“what did, what did you say, trevor?” you ask, picking your head up to look down at the brunette, a look of pure confusion on his face. the poor boy had no idea what he had done wrong - he didn’t think he had done anything wrong in fact.

trevor swallows hard, sitting up more so his back is resting against the wall of your dorm room. “i said that i love you, y/n.” he lets out a soft chuckle. “i thought that was obvious by now, i mean, we’ve been together all this time and i just-”

“we weren’t official for a few good months, trev,” you shake your head as you speak. “and that was because of you. you didn’t want to be official for like, five months.”

“which is -” he cuts himself off. “i don’t even know what’s going on. do you not believe me? what’s the deal here? because the fact we’ve been together this long and this is the first time i’m saying it, the first girl i’m ever saying it to, that should just support everything.”

you just couldn’t get yourself to say it. internally, you knew that every single bone in your body was desperately in love with trevor zegras. dozens of journal pages had ink scrawled on them, gushing in detail about all the lovely things he had done for you that day. but mentally? mentally you couldn’t let yourself believe you loved him. you couldn’t give him the willpower to absolutely destroy you if he ever so pleased. not after your family had come crashing down, and especially not after your mother had walked out. how could a mother walk out on her own blood that easily? her own child, that she claimed that she loved with all her heart.

“y/n do you not, do you not love me?” the pain in his eyes absolutely shattered you and had your heart aching. you wanted to tell him. but you couldn’t form the words. your silence, however, spoke volumes and trevor nods. “i can’t be with you, then.” he scoffs, shaking his head. “i can’t be with someone that doesn’t love me. not when i’ve put all my energy and love into them, and i’m, and i’m not getting any of that in return.”

“trevor i’m sorry.” those weren’t the three words he wanted to hear. they were three words, of course. but they weren’t the right ones. it’s a miracle you can even apologize to him, voice cracking as the tears form in your eyes.

trevor shakes his head, pushing himself up from your bed. “i’m done. i’ll see you around, y/n.”

you stumble backwards a few steps before completely turning around and leaving the room quickly, the sounds of all three of your friends calling after you drowned out by the ringing in your ears.

you see bella and ryley start after you, but you make a b-line for the backyard in an effort to try and ditch some of your friends that you knew were most likely trying to follow you out. but you weren’t sure if you could handle that, and you sure as hell were sure you wouldn’t be able to handle the breakdown that was about to happen.

as soon as you’re outside you lose it. you’re bawling right away, and you’re sure those around you thought you may be absolutely insane for breaking down in tears that quickly. your vision is blurred, but you see a figure walking towards you. you may not be able to make the figure out, but as soon as they pull you into their chest you know who it is.

“shh, you’re okay, y/n. i’ve got you, okay?” jack coos quietly, his hand combing through your hair trying desperately to calm you down. “i’ve got you, i promise. god i’m, i’m so sorry. we didn’t know trevor would be here. jo didn’t realize he was right there either, y/n/n.”

you can’t get any words out, sobs wrecking your entire body as you cry into jack’s chest. all he can do is run his hand down your back and try to reassure you that you’re okay, but it would take a lot more than that.

“y/n can we talk?” your whole body goes rigid and jack’s hand on your back freezes. you pull away from him, looking over his shoulder to see trevor. when he sees your tear stricken face, his eyes soften. “please. can we talk.”

jack looks down at you, a questioning look on his face asking if it’s okay. you nod, and jack presses a kiss to your head. “i’ll be right inside if you need me.” once again, you nod, and jack gives you one last squeeze before he’s walking inside. right away you cross your arms over your stomach, suddenly feeling chilly and more exposed than you had inside. your cropped cami and ripped jeans weren’t doing it anymore.

trevor hesitates, his lips pursing for a second as he steps a few feet forward. he’s trying to find the words to say, and finally, he lets them out. “jordan told me.” you take in a sharp breath, feeling your bottom lip start to tremble, trevor takes a few steps forward, and you let him wrap his arms around you. “i’m so sorry, god i am so, so sorry, y/n. i was a dick, i should have talked to you about it before just breaking up with you, i just, god i’m so sorry.”

you melt into him, arms slowly wrapping around his torso as you cry against him. his voice is genuine and sincere. you nod against him, letting him know that you’re okay - as good as you can be - and to let him know it’s okay.

“can we go talk? somewhere in private? i was just about to go back to my dorm if you’d wanna come.” you were lying if you’d say you weren’t hesitant. because you were. it was probably going to be a bad idea, but nonetheless you go against your better judgement.

“yeah. yeah that’s okay.” you manager to croak out and pull away from trevor’s chest. you don’t get very far however, his hands go to your cheeks and his thumbs run underneath your eyes to catch any tears.

trevor then lets his hand fall to yours, intertwining your fingers and pulling you into the house. “we’re gonna go back to my dorm, to talk.” trevor says, looking at jack. his eyes move over to yours, silently asking you if it’s okay with you.

“it’s okay, j,” you reassure him. “we’ll see you guys tomorrow or something, okay?” jordan and jack both nod, and trevor is leading you out of the house towards the street.

it’s quiet for a few moments, and you don’t blame him. it’s the first time other than social media that you’ve seen him in four months and it wasn’t necessarily under the best conditions. you would’ve liked it to not be at a party - but it is what it is.

“i understand why you didn’t tell me, y/n.” trevor breaks the silence, and you glance over at him to see him staring straight ahead. “and i don’t blame you for it, either. i knew your mom wasn’t in your life, and of course i didn’t want to ask why. but i wish you had told me. god i just, i want to show you the love you deserve, y/n. i want to love you. i do love you. i just, i need to prove that to you and i’ll take as long as it takes.”

you squeeze trevor’s hand, and you’re thankful that trevor’s dorm is only right down the street. the night is chillier than it was when you first left for the party and you were cursing yourself for not bringing a jacket. “i know you do. i just, i panicked. you’re the first boy i was ever serious with, and no one other than my parents and friends of course told me they loved me. i never felt like i was capable of love, because, how could my own mom claim that she loved me, but then one day just disappeared from my life? her own child. that she gave birth to. she never loved me, trev. not if she did that.

“then it’s her loss, isn’t it? wherever she is, she’s gonna see your name, y/n m/n. she’s gonna see the amazing, incredible, phenomenal girl that you’ve become. the same girl that’s going to change the world some day. and i hope she’s kicking herself everyday for walking out on you and your dad, but god you guys are so much better without her in your lives. i love you, y/n. i never stopped.” trevor halts in his tracks, making you come to a stop as well. “and i want you. i want all of you. your good days, your bad days, the days you don’t feel lovable. and it is perfectly okay if you don’t say you love me back, because we can work on that. i’ll stay. i promise. you have my word.

you practically throw yourself into his chest, arms wrapping around his neck and your fingers curling in his hair. “i’m gonna hold you to this, z.”

“do you wanna stay the night?” he asks quietly, his hand running through your hair. “we can do more talking, if you’d like. i’ll listen to anything you have to say.”

“i’d like that, trev. i’d like that a lot.” you answer quietly, looking up at the boy that’s already looking down at you.

the boy that you love.

#trevor zegras #trevor zegras imagine #nhl #hockey #nhl imagine #hockey imagine #jack hughes #jack hughes imagine

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