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absolutebl · 1 year

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10 High Quality & Cinematic BLs

Ones that are very well made with a tight narrative and no cringey dialogue. For example: Old Fashion Cupcake or His. Japan knows what tf it’s doing, okay? You don’t come from a tradition that gave us Kurosawa and fail at broad scope cinematography.

High Quality & Cinematic BLs + Comfort & Joy

These are the ones that I love even though they’re artsy, but they also end happily and didn’t hurt me too much.

1. Old Fashion Cupcake

(Japan 2022 Viki)

This show had me from the moment they broke the egg yolk with the chopsticks in the opening credits for episode one. It’s about a younger man with a long cherished crush on his boss (ten years older and going through a mid life crisis) who decides to save and seduce said man with pancakes. It’s wholesome, comforting, sexy, and a very necessary narrative about still having hope, interests, and openness to affection at any age. It’s coming of age/queerness packaged in a subtle critique of expectations around masculinity and love and loneliness... and it’s beautiful. Full review.

2. Restart After Come Back Home

AKA Risutato wa tadaima no ato de (Japan 2020 grey)

Atmospheric study in rural Japan meets complex family dynamics built on a romance framework of city boy meets country boy. It’s beautiful and icy sweet. Slow moving in places but ultimately worth your patience. Full review here.

3. Life: Love on the Line

AKA Life Senjou no Bokura (Japan 2020 Viki)

This is a beautiful movie and a good BL, if a bit adult and gut wrenching at times. Goes through young love, break up, and reunion - but it’s actually a saga of self acceptance. You want the director’s cut. Like His, LLOTL is an exploration of suppression and the limits we impose on ourselves when we’re dishonest about who we love. In high school, serious and self contained Ito fell in love with Nishi, the manic pixie dream boy of the dream he didn’t know he had. Nishi, emotionally and mentally fragile, struggled to fit into the world. Ito, however, found it all too easy, except for the whole - ya know - gay thing. This movie is about Ito’s willingness to sacrifice not just himself but his love (and even Nishi himself) to social and familial expectations and the misery that results. It has a hard fought happy ending that then follows them through the rest of their lives in a (slightly unnecessary but welcome) epilogue montage.

4. A Tale of Thousand Stars

(Thai 2021 GMMTV YouTube)

With great casting and cinematography this drama nods at BL tropes but manages to elevate them (and itself) with a strong mature story concept about a spoiled rich kid who gets a heart transplant and becomes a teacher it order to pay out survivor’s guilt. On the way he falls in love with a local park ranger and contends with his own classism and escapist tendencies. Everyone seemed to perfectly suit their roles and GMMTV made the most out of its stable. Combined with excellent production (and post production) values, 1000 Stars is without question GMMTV’s most mature, charming, and smart BL series. I think it should go down as one of the top BLs of all time. I feel safe recommending this one to friends and non BL watchers.

High Quality & Cinematic BLs + Work & Angst

These are ones that I watched but were really difficult for me for personal reasons. Some may not have happy endings. I tend to call these moody arthouse smackdoodle. They like to pretend that "ambiguous" is somehow unique and special rather than bog standard commonplace for narratives of this type. Hold onto your psyche, these dramas will test you. But they very well done.

5. His the movie

(Japan 2020 Viki)

His is about being a grown adult and still struggling with coming out as gay. It addresses the consequences of life choices disingenuous to identity. Nagisa turns up on Shun’s doorstep with his precocious daughter in tow. This is a touch confusing to Shun since they were each others first love. Shun has retreated from society, rejecting the world before it can reject him, already brokenhearted because without Nagisa he never had a reason to fight. Nagisa went the opposite way, tried to pretend to be something he was not and ended up with a daughter he adores and a wife who hates him. This movie is beautiful and the setting is unique and interesting but I'm not wild about the ending.

6. I Told Sunset About You

(Thai 2020 grey)

I don’t have a ton to say about ITSAY because I’ve never managed to finished it. This one was too close to my own queer journey and it seriously messed with my head about 2/3 of the way through, so I stopped watching to protect myself. However, I can tell you that the production values are unreal for Thailand, using a soft lens, diffuse lighting, and a nostalgic atmosphere, paying close attention to framing, and forgetting neither background nor close-focus expressive detail. It’s a remarkable piece of work. I caught no mistakes in makeup, wardrobe, body positioning, reflection, or boom mic placement - so they clearly had continuity eyeballs during filming and on final product (which most Thai BLs don’t spring for). So yeah, the filming, directing, and acting is insanly good, but what’s really stand out in ITSAY from a film perspective is their smooth as butter invisibly perfect editing. Post production on this series must have been a BEAST.

7. Your Name Engraved Herein

(Taiwan 2020 Netflix)

This movie is fantastic but it is also seriously depressing, it’s a self acceptance journey, but if you wanna wallow in high quality acting and serious gay drama, this’ll do it.

8. Goodbye Mother AKA Thua Me Con D

(Vietnam 2019 Netflix)

Like YNEH or Dew, this is a great movie but it deals openly with homophobia, bashing, family trauma, and social acceptance.

9. His the series

AKA His - Koisuru Tsumori Nante Nakatta AKA I Didn’t Think I Would Fall In Love

(Japan 2019)

Boy goes to visit his absent father, ends up kinda homeless on the beach, gets adopted by local family, falls in love with the boy working and living with them. Lots of long drawn out glances.

10. I Want to See Only You

AKA Kimi no Koto Dake Mite Itai (Japan 2022 grey)

This is a beautiful piece of cinema well acted, about two boys who are opposite personalities and grew up together. Gifted and serious Sakura (Kura Yuki from His the series) and outgoing eccentric manic pixie dream boy, Yuma. It is very pretty and this is the kind of atmospheric elegantly performed BL that only really comes from Japan (complete with dead fish kisses - what you though Korea invented them? oh no). For me it was lovely but slightly unmemorable. Full review here.

More Like This From Japan

The Cornered Mouse Dreams of Cheese AKA Kyuso wa Chizu no Yume wo Miru (Japan 2020) - obsession, cheating, breakup, reunion, then break up again, explicit.

Does the Flower Bloom? (Japan 2018) - May/December romance about an artist student, the house he inherits from his dead parents. and all the people around him who are obsessed with him, including an older man.

Junjou: Pure Heart (Japan 2010) - I shoudl probably rewatch this one, it’s been a while.

Silhouette of Your Voice AKA Hidamari ga Kikoeru (Japan 2017) - It’s not as good as any of us wanted given the beautiful glory of the original manga (I Hear the Sunspot). Also it doesn’t really end happily. Disappointing.

Eternal Yesterday AKA Eien no Kino (Japan 2022 Gaga) - After Mitsuru’s cheerful outgoing boyfriend Koichi is killed but stay’s walking around, everyone else begins to forget about him. Mitsuru recalls their romance while trying to understand what’s going on, hold onto his love, and come to terms with loss and identity. Sad and creepy but somehow still beautiful, Japan spending all its pennies on pain.

Darker BLs and more thoughts on Moody Arthouse Smackdoodle here.

Tangential blogs posts:

10 Best Uses of Cinematic Storytelling in BL

Top 10 Highest Production Values in Thai BL

Some Noodling on BL Production Houses & Studios

This post the result of an ask from @theklutzymaniac, updated end of 2022.

(source)

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leixinyus · 8 months

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#shirasu jin #raiku #life: love on the line #japanese drama #manydramagifs #jdramaedit #yeah no thanks #i'm still sometimes taken aback whenever i remember that this drama is a real thing that exists #sometimes you have series that are just so well-made with such incredible acting that it almost feels like a dream #like it isn't a real piece of media that exists because it's so real and raw and hits you in all of the feels #other asian countries have come so far in terms of lgbtq+ media too #but japan just... they just do it differently? idk #a lot of their queer stories feel so specially down-to-earth and authentic to me somehow

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twig-tea · 26 days

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Rose's Day of Asks

Top 5 beach day scenes.

Have a great Day💜

Rose ILU this Day of Asks is supercute and also I love how you've tailored this ask to my personal interests and inability to limit myself to five choices!

Beach scenes are all about that transition, from one phase in a relationship (usually not-yet-a-relationship) to another. A good beach scene uses the beach as a metaphor even as it also highlights the beauty (and intensity) of the ocean. The ocean is for contemplating things bigger than we are, and helping us to feel humble. And the beach is a place for raw honesty.

With that in mind, there are so many to choose from because most directors get this instinctively! So I'm going with my heart and the scenes that came to me first (and ngl, that have the best gifs):

His: I Didn't Think I Could Fall in Love

I love this scene so much; the intensity in this hug is everything to me. These two kids are both so terrified of being in love with one another, and both so relieved they don't have to lose this connection they found. The ocean being the thing that first brought them together (via Shun falling in and losing his keys lol) is now looming in front of them as the thing that will separate them for a time (because they met on an island). It's not a typical beach day scene, but it's the first one I think of because of how hard this scene hits me every time. And of course I love thinking about it in the context of the very different rocky lakeside beach in the sequel film.

The Eighth Sense

The ocean was (again) what brought them together, and was also a source of trauma in the past for them both; the exchanges "why did you kiss me?" "to get past your trauma...why did you kiss me?" "to give you trauma" was iconic even before it became Too Real. I love how the ocean is a looming presence in this entire story; the trauma from both of their childhoods looms even on campus, it's there as a soundtrack to their vulnerable conversations, and of course it's in the background of their first sexual encounter. When Ji Hyun acts out the 'two steps forward one step back' with Jae Won before Jae Won finally breaks and admits he wants to be with Ji Hyun, that movement is like a wave relentlessly washing up on shore. Anyway! This entire series is an ocean scene to me.

Blueming

SiWoon's first kiss by the water going so poorly, the brief sulk, and then DaUn initiating this re-do moment?! Whew. In terms of standard "beach scene" fare, this ranks highly at the top for me because of the second take at a first kiss. I love a realistic 'oh wait it's my first time so I'm actually not very good at it' moment. This also comes after the first time they've really talked and listened to one another; plus it comes with a bonus "blinding light of love" visual. Love it.

Until We Meet Again

Is there anything more iconic than this scene? The double confession; the flirting; the lift; playing in the water; the kiss. These two were so desperate for an escape and this scene was real catharsis. And of course this dialogue; Intouch insisting that in order to get through what is to come, they'll need each other. Heartbreaking considering we know what they both do not long after this. It becomes almost a curse for their reincarnated lives--you won't be happy until you have me with you. AND THEN WE GET THE PROPOSAL SCENE that perfectly parallels this one, between Dean and Pharm in Between Us the series. The only thing I love more than a beach scene is a beach parallel. Speaking of which....

Last Twilight in Phuket

How do I choose only one beach scene from this set of shows? There are so many; I love all of them so much. So many from ITSAY: The hammock scene; the scene on Their Beach where Teh and Oh-Aew play the most tension-filled game of chase I've ever seen; the float and underwater kiss; the post-kiss blow-up; the conversation they have when Teh first reappears in Oh's life and Oh says he isn't sure he can be close to Teh again (!)...and then of course in IPYTM the scene where they reunite and agree to try again. But I'm going with LTIP because of all the symbolism they wrapped up in this scene. Teh and Oh-Aew try to go to their beach but it's closed, they need to instead go to the public beach, and so their goodbye is imperfect. We get to see the way they are both so much more comfortable being in pubilc and visibly together than they were in I Told Sunset About You--this is something they both had to work on for different reasons. They're both struggling with having to say goodbye, because they'll be going to different universities. They also know they're leaving Phuket and they talk about how by the time they come back, Phuket will have changed. This moment at the beach bridges their childhood and adulthood, and is so symbolic of life as ever-changing and those changes being impossible to stop.

Gameboys the movie

Speaking of beach scenes that aren't about getting together; this was a particularly good moment because it was not about establishing their relationship it was about reaffirming it/cementing the strength of their bond in the face of separation. I loved that they go out there ostensibly to spend time together and get away from the crowded house but it's also a way for them to have the scary looming conversation about separation. I love so much how good this show is about real conversations, and this one felt so real. The way they talked about not holding one another back, and how they could make it long distance, and what that would look like for them in future...it made me so happy. Gav and Cai looking at the possibility of long distance as doable and not an immediate obvious need to break up was such a breath of fresh air after so many noble idiot plots that all rely on the assumption that long distance is not doable. ANYWAY also this scene is just really pretty.

Life~Love on the Line

This one is so interesting because it was the moment Ito convinced himself he couldn't stay with Nishi. Technically this is the morning-after-the-beach-day but I'm counting it because it's such a unique version of the beach day; in this case, the truth Ito thought he was facing was that he and Nishi had no future--rather than seeing the blinding light of love for what it is facing his own fears head on, he closed his eyes and embraced them, and ruined years of their lives. This scene is an important reminder that the beach is not an infallible relationship panacea! It is your (the character's) responsibility to bring the right energy to it or it may lead you astray.

Bad Buddy

Pat and Pran at the eco-village finally with a moment to themselves, admitting to one another that they feel most free when they're together. This is the first time they acknowledge to one another that the situation they're in is bullshit; that they actually do like one another's company, and that maybe there is a possibility that this thing could actually work between them, if they try for it. I loved this scene so much as a turning point for them, and the way it keeps pulling in and out so we get these close-ups of Pat and Pran, and then the camera pulls away and we see how small they are. The perspective in this moment is so important. As is the hand touch (whew).

Theory of Love

This is one of my favourite twists on the beach scene: Khai goes to the beach alone because he has to figure himself out. He's not at the stage where he's ready to have an honest conversation with Third yet, first he needs to have an honest conversation with himself and realize his own feelings. He has a good, open conversation with someone he hurt in the past in order to figure himself out in the present and pave way for his future with Third. And then we get the bestie trip when all of them go together, which was delightful.

Bonus gif because I don't have enough shots of group friend trips in this list and it's so important to me that after this solo trip Kai comes back with everyone:

Your Name Engraved Herein

This beach scene is crushingly painful. Birdy and Jia Han go as far as they can to scream their frustrations into the sea, have a moment of freedom, but with the knowledge they can't have any more than this and will be saying goodbye afterwards. It's the most devastating truth of all of these faced at the beach: They can't be together in this time and place.

Bed Friend

The silhouettes are iconic; I love the way body language was used for these shots. And the way it felt like King was finally, slowly getting Uea to see him as a dating prospect in these moments? Really beautifully done.

Be My Favorite

Including this scene because it is one of the few beach scenes that leads to a rejection (of course the show then fixes this later with a parallel scene at the end, my beloved). I loved this anti-beach moment; rather than going to the beach to face hard truths, Pisaeng (and then following him, Kawi) went to the beach to hide from the truth. But the beach doesn't work that way and Kawi had to face hard truths after all, including the truth that in this universe he ends up losing Pisaeng from his life entirely because of the way he treated him. The line "you want to get in the water but are afraid of getting wet?" from Pisaeng to Kawi was so heavily loaded with meaning. Perfection.

The Day I Loved You

This was such a beautiful gesture, especially from a high school boy. Including this as an iconic beach scene because it both does what a beach scene should do (get the characters to face hard truths, be honest, and progress in their relationship) and was intentionally meant to invoke a trip to the ocean (they're freediving!) at home for Nikko so I don't even feel like it's cheating.

Night Dream

The show wasn't perfect but the way they paced the reveals about their past with the flashbacks was good storytelling and the tension in this beach scene was palpable over several episodes!

The Eclipse

This conversation between Akk and Ayan made me cry. The entire sequence, driving out with Ayan as an interloper, hiding from the The World Remembers crew and their boyfriends, Ayan being so worried about Akk because he is so on alert for suicidality, and Akk just doesn't know how to face any of it. Ayan telling Akk "you're allowed to be weak" broke me. Luckily the beach is here to help facilitate personal growth. [Also have to shout out again the reciprocal beach scene where Akk then says the same thing back to Ayan, my beloved]

Love Sick

I love them your honour. AUGH. Honestly, the Love Sick scene that always comes to mind is the night before this when Noh is dancing on the stage whipping his hoodie around his head and Pun is watching him fondly, but this moment afterward in the quiet of the morning, when they've agreed to have just this moment of truth by the sea and then go back to their lives, is so beautiful (especially your gif of it Rose!). This is another melancholy one, where they're coming to the sea to admit that they want what they can't have, and giving it to themselves anyway for one night (little did they know, they were going to fail at abstention lol). The longing is so palpable between these two in these scenes, so much good tension.

My School President

Gotta have at least one scene with the whole crew! What i love about this beach outing is that the hard truth they were facing was not about whether or not they cared about one another, but how to tell people and when--and this is one of the reasons why it's important it's a group trip, because that decision affects the whole group. And look at this gif, it is perfection. These kids are puppies! I love them.

3 Will Be Free

Talking about group dynamics reminded me of this iconic moment. It's not quite a beach day trip in the traditional sense because they're on the run etc. and this is night time, but it's very personal to me. The sea said make it poly, so they did.

Never Let Me Go

Can't talk about one of Jojo's series without bringing up this other one. Listen, I know that its placement in the series was...oddly timed [I think my mother might be dead, let's go to the beach and frolic]. But this is one of the most beautifully shot and colour graded sequences, and for aesthetic reasons alone it is on my list! Sometimes I am but a simple bisexual (which is also why I'm using this shot from the BTS rather than one from the show, even though there are so many pretty ones to choose from). Speaking of!

BONUS GL addition:

Lulu

Gotta have at least one song! This entire GL takes place at a beach house so the whole thing is pretty much beach or beach-adjacent scenes but this one where they are flirting and then sing together was a good turning moment for them; and of course it calls back to when they first met (where Abi saves Sophie from drowning) and also parallels the end credits scene. I was so here for how thirsty Sophie was as soon as Abi showed up, and this beach scene is one of the places where this played out most memorably to me.

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geekygirl24 · 8 months

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BL Prompts - Chapter 33 Links

Prompt from: Polnoluniye - Gang Leader Zhang Qiling's gang was hired to steal an artefact. Turns out the 'artefact' was Wu Xie. Needless to say he doesn't turn him over to the client. I have no idea where to go with this other than Zhang QiLing's strong, silent character suggests gang/mafia to me. Maybe even Hei Xia Zi as a henchman. https://archiveofourown.org/works/46279000/chapters/126484072

Prompt from Coconutbun85: Hi, I really miss your Pat/Pran/Korn/Wai fic from your previous prompt list. Can I ask for a sequel to that? Maybe after they convince him he's not just a sex toy to them, Pat, Pran and Korn take turns making love to Wai instead of just passing him around like they normally do? Just really sweet, gentle and caring. Treating Wai like he's the most precious thing to them. Thanks! https://archiveofourown.org/works/46207009/chapters/126259024

Prompt from Daunshama - I'll also wish to add a 'We Best Love' prompt. Gao Shi De/Zhou Shu Yi - A/B/O, sickfic, getting together After witnessing Shi De at the park with his stepsister and running away, Shu Yi falls into an emergency heat and his father has to summon Shi De. https://archiveofourown.org/works/46255276/chapters/126317032

Prompt from Polnoluniye: Let's give Sangwoo a chance to shine in Semantic Error with a sickfic story Sangwoo soon realizes that his boyfriend has gone missing and eventually discovers that he is sick and has been avoiding him. Jang Jaeyoung assumed that the usually highly particular Chu Sangwoo would not want to deal with him during his illness so he 'hides'. https://archiveofourown.org/works/46231810/chapters/126375259

Prompt from Polnoluniye - Life - Love on the Line prompt Can you write about Itou bringing Nishi home for the first time? In the closing credits of the show, Nishi looks so hesitant in the entryway. I would imagine meeting Itou's mother would have been a talking point for days leading up to the visit. https://archiveofourown.org/works/46179736/chapters/126429604

#the lost tomb #wu xie x zhang qiling #bad buddy #pran x pat x wai #we best love #shu yi x Shi De #semantic error #jae young x sang woo #Life: love on the line #Itou x nishi

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junyeeinspirit · 2 years

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Saw Helena Hsu in Papa & Daddy 2 and I was like... Ahh! She is Shi De's mom in We Best Love!

Love the cameo appearance made by the actors! They give fresh breathe to the show~

Like MaxTul in Triage

BounPrem, TommyJimmy and NetJames in Cutie Pie

ForceBook and MilkLove in Vice Versa

Baker Boys in Enchante

Wayne Song and Huang Chun Chih in Life : Love on the Line (I was very much taken aback when this happened!!!)

Kaownah and Turbo in Lovely Writer

Bas in What Zabb Man!

And a bunch lot in Plus and Minus...haha... AaronHank, Charles Tu, WayneHuang and others~

#cameo appearance #papa and daddy #we best love #triage #cutie pie #vice versa #enchante #life: love on the line #lovely writer #what zabb man #plus and minus #these are the only ones I remember at the moment

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madeinjapan-thailand-blbambeyond · 2 years

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Man Crush Fandom: Made in Japan

SHIRASU JIN

#GIFS by ME #Man Crush Fandom #Japan #Actor #Life: Love On The Line #Kieta Hatsukoi #My Love Mix Up #Boys Over Flowers #Hana Yori Dango #Musical Version 2016 unseen

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what-iz-life · 1 month

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people need to understand that once you go through your worst time alone, you really don’t care who stays in your life anymore.

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malinaa · 5 months

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if i think about the hunger games in peeta's perspective i WILL start sobbing

#imagine you're a boy who's going to die. you're in love with the girl you've been watching from afar. you know your fate.#you just want to help her‚ but then there's the announcement and she's here in front of you‚ kissing you‚ risking her life for you and you #think‚ i could live and i could love. you think she loves you when she hands you the berries‚ when she puts them in her mouth.#then you both survive and you go back home and nothing is real anymore. you have nothing. no family. no friends. no love. just an empty #house. a drunk for a neighbor. the love of your life walking into somebody else's arms. you think‚ i survived the games. i could survive #this. and you also think‚ i should've bit down on those berries‚ should've felt the juice burst before i died.#and then the third quarter quell announcement rings in your ears and you think‚ she will live and i will die as i should have in the first #place. the girl you love kisses you on the beach and somewhere you heart stirs and your mind revolts and you savor every touch she has ever #given to you‚ in front of the cameras and off. because you are a tribute and you are always being watched and snow's presence looms and #you think‚ i know she cares. but you get taken. you get drugged. you get tortured‚ your mind altered. the girl is a mutt‚ a murderer. she's #everything you despise‚ your mind stirs. your heart revolts. you gain more awareness but cannot distinguish reality from fiction and you #have never known katniss' love. the war ends. you heal. you come home. you plant primrose for her. years down the line‚ you grow in love #more than you thought possible. but some days‚ you cannot tell fiction from reality so you ask the love of your life‚ you love me.#real or not real? and she says‚ real‚ and kisses you.#and you sigh and kiss her back and revel in this. a home. a life. a love.#lit #the hunger games #everlark #otp: real or not real?#katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #text #tais toi lys #thgpost

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my-rose-tinted-glasses · 11 months

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Following this line, a loved one comes to see me.

#Life: Senjou no Bokura #Life: Love on the Line #japanese bl

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absolutebl · 2 months

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PHI ABL.

I watched Japan’s film His on viki rakuten, and it was SO GOOD.

Very beautiful slice of life cinematography that Japan does so well.

The story is so touching and i was instantly invested in the very real situation the characters found themselves in.

Something I really liked was that you never really got a strong sense of who was “top” and who was “bottom” and it was quite refreshing.

Have you sent it? Do you like it? I cried sad and happy tears watching this one.

His the Movie?

Not only have I seen it but Miyazawa Hio is one of my favorite Japanese Actors.

The reason it doesn't come up much in this blog, is I don't really conciser it BL, more just high brow queer cinema. (Also I'm not wild about the ending.) But it certainly is quality.

You know it's a kinda sequel?

There's a prequel series of the same characters meeting as children, entirely different cast tho. Also called His (the series) or His - Koisuru Tsumori Nante Nakatta (AKA His: I Didn't Intend to Fall in Love, His: I Didn't Mean to Fall in Love, His: I Didn't Think I Would Fall in Love).

Eh, you know Japan and their titles.

I like it, but it's chewy... work to get through in that quintessentially Japanese way. I think currently airing My Strawberry Film will be similar.

The same actor who plays young Nagisa in this series, Kura Yuki, is in the BL Kimi no Koto Dake Mite Itai.

These are all Japanese arthouse style, which (while I appreciate) is not my personal preferred JBL lane.

Of all these, I like the movie .you're asking about best since I think this filming style tends to suit adult characters better than young adult.

Have you seen Life: Love on the Line?

It's in a similar vein. You might enjoy it too. The Director's Cut on Viki is excellent.

#asked and answered #his the movie #his the series #japanese bl #His - Koisuru Tsumori Nante Nakatta #Miyazawa Hio #My Strawberry Film #Kimi no Koto Dake Mite Itai #Life: Love on the Line #JBL

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leixinyus · 21 days

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#raiku #life: love on the line #japanese drama #manydramagifs #jdramaedit #i will repeat this until forever #the *acting* in this drama holy smokes #also sorry to raiku for always remembering him for this role and forgetting that i've seen him in muchuu-sa after this lmao

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andthebeanstalk · 11 months

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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