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spideeysense · 4 years

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It Started With A Roll. A Royal!Bucky Barnes x Reader fic (Part 5. FINALE)

A/N: Well folks, here it is the FINALE. I wanted to thank everyone for your continuous support of this fic. I would also like to apologize for my impromptu hiatus. I was struggling with writer’s block, and was feeling a little dragged down mentally. But I am so happy to finally present to you the FINALE!! Woohoo. I had lots of fun writing this one, the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack definitely helps. Enjoy!

Requests are always welcome! Please let me know if you like this genre and if you would like me to write for other characters!

Words: Long. Lmao

Warnings: Light violence. Angst. Mentions of Death. Fluff. Mentions of Illness and Poison.

Part 4

“Steve.”

Steve raised his eyebrows and looked at you quizzically. “You’re the intruder!” You gasped and tried to turn around and run but Steve grabbed you with his strong arms from behind. His grip on your arms was painful, and you tried to wiggle your way out. “Please Steve, you have to listen to me! The King, Bucky, he's in danger.” You pleaded. “I know who’s poisoning him, Steve if you would just-” Before you could continue Steve clapped a large hand around your mouth, muffling your outcry. Awkwardly walking forward, stuck in his grip, you tried and tried to get out, but he was simply too strong.

“Guards!” Steve yelled out, drawing their attention to you.

“I found her, I’ll bring her down myself.” Steve said as he continued to partially drag you down the hallway.

“Are you sure?” One of the guards sneered. “Trying to get back into the Queen’s good graces I see.” The other chided.

Steve rolled his eyes and kept going. Once out of earshot and out of sight of the guards, Steve loosened his grip on you, and removed his hand from in front of your mouth. He wiped it on the front of his pants. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to handle you so roughly.”

You blinked at Steve in confusion, mouth agape.

“Come on, follow me.” As quiet as mice, you and Steve snuck around the palace. You both came to a dead end, and you stood there awkwardly, looking around. “Steve, where are we going?” You asked.

“You’re not the only one who knows about the secret passages.” He quipped. He worked quickly with his hands as he removed a painting from the wall, behind was an empty space.

He nodded his head towards the tunnel and ushered you inside. Behind you, Steve put the painting back in place.

“Keep going, once you arrive to the end push forward on the wall.” You nodded.

Unlike the other tunnel, this one was dimly lit by a few lanterns. You glanced behind you and saw Steve hunched over, doing his best to keep his head from hitting the ceiling. Soon you arrived at the end of the tunnel, and did as you were instructed by Steve.

The wall in front of you came out, and you found yourself in a small cozy room. Inside, Peter was sitting at a small table, dangling a small knife in his hands. “Y/N!” He gasped and engulfed you in a hug. “It’s good to see a familiar face. Astoria kicked all of Bucky’s gentry out.” Peter explained, and pulled out a chair for you.

“We know she has something to do with his illness. She’s the only one who’s been in and out of his room.” Steve started.

“Has a doctor been in there?” You pushed, twiddling your thumbs with worry.

Peter and Steve looked at each other and frowned.

“No, we tried, but she ended up demoting us. She said that her own personal doctor will visit tomorrow.” Steve said.

“That’s when she’ll kill him, at this point, he’d be too weak to fight back.” You said, suddenly, as if a lightbulb went off in your head. The room was quiet for a moment, the words sunk into each other's mind.

“She’s using belladonna, and giving it to him through some tea.” You explained to them. Peter looked at you with a questioning gaze. “How do you know that?”

You took in a deep breath, and started explaining what you had seen in the kitchen that day. What you had overheard at the ball, you spared a few details about who you hung out with at the ball, but to no use. Steve and Peter already knew. Bucky had quite the big mouth around his friends.

“The only proof we have is seeing Astoria going in and out of his room, that's it.” Peter hung his head in his hands. “We have nothing else.” You thought for a moment, chewing on your bottom lip. “What if we got him to speak.”

“If he were able to speak right now, he would have at least moved.” Steve muttered miserably.

“Earlier, before Steve found me, I spoke to him in his room.” The two guys in front of you perked up. “I can tell it’s hard for him, but it’s possible.”

Peter continued your thought. “If we can get him up and have him speak against her, we can save him.”

Steve smiled “She’ll be tried for treason against the crown!” he exclaimed and clapped his hands together.

You started pacing around the small room. “We don’t have a lot of time. We have to act fast.” You fumbled with your hands and then crossed your arms.

“Peter, you tried to get a doctor earlier, would it be possible to bring him here?” You asked.

Peter nodded and stood up. “I can get him through the kitchen, no one will notice this late at night.”

“Steve, you and I will sneak back to his room, and bring him back here. Does Astoria know about the tunnel?” You asked, worry seeping over you. Both Steve and Peter shook their heads and shrugged. “I don’t think so.” Steve said.

You knew she wouldn’t be back in his room until tomorrow morning. You only had a limited amount of time. “Ok, we have to act quickly.”

The plan was put into motion. Cautiously, you and Steve snuck around the castle, and Peter tried to find the doctor.

Soon enough, you and Steve found yourselves in Bucky’s room. You rushed towards Bucky’s bed and gave him a hug and took in his appearance.

It had drastically changed since you had last seen him. His eyes were half lidded, and he somehow looked even paler. His clothes now stuck to him with sweat. You tried lifting him above your shoulder, but almost crumbled under his weight. You saw his mouth move, but no words came out. Your heart sunk.

“Steve, can you carry him instead?” You asked him.

Steve rushed over to your side. “I gotcha buddy,” He murmured under his breath, and lifted Bucky onto his shoulders.

“You go ahead of me, I’ll join you soon” you mumbled to Steve.

Steve gave you a hard look of worry, but hoisted Bucky through the passage. You got to work to make it look like Bucky had escaped. First you drew back the curtains and flung open the windows. The cool night air hit your face and for a second you allowed yourself to relish in it.

Then, you tied together his bed sheets and threw them out the window, tying your end to a nearby armoire.

“This’ll do.” You murmured. Behind you, you heard the lock jiggle again, and you quickly hid yourself behind the passage. You heard the door open, and the most blood curdling shriek.

You cringed at the sound. The door shut with a slam, and you heard a string of profanities from Astoria’s mouth. You hurried down the dark passageway, careful to not hit your head against the ceiling. You arrived at the end of the tunnel, and had not once bumped into Steve or Bucky. You hoped they had made it back in time.

You left the tunnel and found yourself alone. Here you were, exposed. You quietly turned the corner, and walked at a brisk pace. You heard murmurs of how the King was now missing, or kidnapped travel through the air. You had to find your way back to that portrait.

“You!” You heard the vile voice of Astoria call out to you. You turned around quickly and your eyes widened at the sight. There was Astoria, standing in the hallway. Her face was contorted in a mix of anger and evil.

“I know you have something to do with his escape” she sneered.

Interesting...escape from what? You thought sarcastically.

“I have no clue what you are talking about Your Majesty.” You turned around and gave her a swift curtsy.

“I could have you killed for conspiring against the crown!” She yells, pointing her index finger at you. You gave her a petty frown.

“What crown? All I see in front of me is a sad excuse for a queen.” You spat out. You, yourself, did not know where this boost of confidence came from.

“Guards!” Astoria screeched like a banshee. “Seize her!”

Behind you, a guard clad in a red coat and funny tall hat grabbed your arms and pinned them behind you.

“Bring her to the dungeons, make sure the restraints are tight, I don’t want her to get away.”

As you passed Astoria you sneered at her, and spat on the ground in front of her feet.

“I’ll make sure that by tomorrow, you won’t see the light of day ever again.”

“He’ll spend his life looking you know! He’ll turn over every stone in this Kingdom until he finds me, dead or alive.” You said with conviction. Your face set in certainty. “He’ll never stop.” You whispered as the guard tugged you along.

In your heart, you wanted to believe it was true. If your destiny was really to spend eternity in a dark cave, until your skin turned to bone, you would hope that Bucky wouldn’t give up. That he would search until he found a semblance of your existence.

Your mind said otherwise. Throughout the escapades you had with him, the rational part of your brain planted seeds of doubt. That he didn’t really love you, that he didn’t think you were Goddess divine.

The guard led you through parts of the palace you had never seen. You passed portraits of Bucky as a young boy, portraits of his parents, their eyes looking down upon you. You wonder how they would’ve felt, if they knew Bucky had fallen in love with a peasant girl.

When you reached the cramp stairs to the dungeons the guard pushed you forward, you almost tripped on your shoes, which would’ve sent you flying down the stone steps. It seemed like you were descending for hours. The stairwell was old, much older than you, much older than the former royals. It was dimly lit by torches that had a hard time staying aflame due to the dampness.

“Are we descending into hell?” You sarcastically questioned the guard. He only responded with a deep grunt. “Feels like it.” You muttered under your breath.

Finally you arrived in a cramped, dimly lit hallway. At the end stood a rusted iron door. You could hear the sound of water dripping onto the stone floor. The guard rustled around his pocket until he pulled out an old looking key, he turned it a couple times in the padlock before the door opened with an ear splitting squeak. You cringed at the noise.

He shoved you quite forcefully inside and you hit the ground with a muffled thud. The pain split into your arm, the restraints that bound your wrists behind you didn’t help.

“Aren’t you going to untie me?” You yelled as the guard shut the door. He didn’t respond and you heard the key click in the lock.

You sat against the wall. There were no windows, nothing to indicate the time that had passed. You guessed it was early morning, before the sun rose. The room smelled of mold and a light decay. There was no use yelling, no one would hear you. The ties on your wrist made it nearly impossible to even fidget your arms. The pain started to subside and all you could do was sit in wait.

You hoped that the doctor had found a way to cure Bucky. You hoped that Steve and Peter were alright. You hoped the plan had work. You would never forgive yourself if Bucky perished from the poison.

You dragged yourself to the corner and leaned your head against the wall. It felt cold. You shut your eyes and tried to fall off into a much needed sleep.

You drifted in out of sleep. You would hear something nearby, but it would only be the ground shifting, or a door from the floor above slamming, or the iron bars creaking.

The dark seemed to come from every corner of the room but by now you were sure it was morning, even if the sunshine didn’t reach this far down. And it had truly felt like an eternity had passed before you heard a flurry of footsteps come down the stairs.

Quickly, you stood up, backing yourself into the corner. Had Astoria really meant her threat to hang you?

Was this how you met your demise, not in some dark cavern, but by rope?

The door opened, once again releasing a loud and annoying creaking. You let out the breath you had been holding. In front of you was a much healthier looking Bucky, his eyes were bright, and from what you could see in the dark light, the color had returned to his skin. Behind him stood both Peter and Steve, smiles plastered on their faces.

You broke out into a wide grin, and you almost crumbled at the knees seeing them. Tears welled in the corner of your eyes. “It worked” You whispered. Peter worked on your restraints and as soon as you were free you rushed towards Bucky, closing the distance between you two.

He gently grabbed your waist as you collided into him. You stroked his face over and over again. You leaned forward and pressed a fiery kiss to his lips, his lips moved against yours in tandem as his thumb swiped at the stray tears that escaped your eyes. The moment was broken Peter cleared his throat awkwardly.

You both pulled away fervently. Bucky smiled at you.

“What about Astoria?” You asked. The room fell silent.

“We can’t find her. Once I was able to stand and speak more clearly, I had her placed under arrest.” Bucky started, not meeting your eyes. “Somehow, she escaped, most likely returning to her kingdom.”

“She’s failed her mission, I doubt she’d try again, after we give the people the news I doubt she’d want to show her face here again.” Steve continued. “Don’t worry, by the end of the day the whole kingdom will know what she tried to do.” He reassured you. You gave a worried look but allowed yourself to breathe a little.

The group clambered up the stairs, stumbling over the steps. Once out of the dungeons Bucky held onto your arm and tugged you away from Steve and Peter. He pulled you down the hall and into, what you assumed, was his study.

“My love, I am so so sorry.” Bucky started but you stopped him and shook your head. “Please, I don’t need apologies. All that matters is that we are here. Alive.” You took a step forward, and he bent down at his neck so your foreheads could touch. “Together.” you whispered. Bucky pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead, then to your nose, and finally your lips.

When he pulled away he stared into your eyes, reaching deep into your soul. “I love you Y/N. I am completely and totally enamored with you. I hang onto every word that leaves your lips like a child who clings onto the stories of its mother. Everytime I see you, I feel my heart palpitate in my chest, and it feels as though it is going to explode. My love for you is so intense that sometimes when I gaze upon your beauty I feel as though you are Goddess that I must worship. And I want to gaze upon you tomorrow, and everyday after that-” Bucky lilted, he looked at you longingly, and his cheeks flushed a rosy pink once again. “Will you marry me?”

You were speechless. All you could do to respond was nod and bring him closer for another kiss, and as you pulled away you whispered in his ear. “I do like the idea of you worshipping me like a Goddess.” Bucky smiled at you with one of his goofy smiles, and pulled your hand towards him. He got down onto one knee and fished a dainty, diamond encrusted ring out of his pocket, and slipped it onto your ring finger. You pulled him back up, and he pressed a sweet kiss to your finger.

“I will love you forever and always.” You spoke in a gentle tone, and you basked in each other’s quiet company. The thoughts of marriage swam around in your mind, but for the time being both you and Bucky wanted to relax, and finally, freely spend time together.

As you stood there, Bucky pressed another soft kiss to your forehead.

“Come, let’s go join the others.” He spoke softly and you gladly agreed.

Everything had fallen into place. This was where you were meant to be. And it was silly to think, that all this had started with a roll.

taglist:

@thefallenbibliophilequote @dolan-mendes @fatefuldestinies @loveofmychips

@unlistedpond @octoberbarnes @fanfuckingtastic04 @sebastianstansqueen

#bucky fanfic #bucky barnes #bucky barns x reader #buckybarnes x reader #royal #royal au #bucky fluff #king!bucky #avengers #avengers imagine #x reader #royal!bucky

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tar-oh · 4 years

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Pick-a-Card!

So, I’ve decided to try out a pick-a-card. This is taking place of the daily cards from Thursday and Friday. It’s just a general reading, think of it as your daily card, except you get to choose a pile. You’re welcome to choose more than one, especially because some of them are kind of similar messages. Just pick whatever feels right! If you do pick, and it’s not resonating, try another pile. There is a chance there just isn’t a message for you in this pick-a-pile. If that’s the case, sorry! Maybe next time, or you can find another reader on here who resonates better.

Okay, so it goes:

Pile 1: Amethyst

Pile 2: Clear Quartz

Pile 3: We’re calling this the Pink/Gold Rock. I found it in an old jewelry box, and I’m still trying to figure out what it is.

Pile 4: Opalite

So, again. Pick whatever calls to you. You can have more than one.

Pile 1: Amethyst

New Moon in Aries, Waxing Moon, Ace of Wands, Wheel of Fortune, King of wands rx, 10 of pentacles reversed, Temperance and 5 of wands, and algiz.

“I get so far, so fast.” - So Far, So Fast by The National

This pile seemed to be more work/creativity themed.

You're feeling inspired with new ideas. You're being advised to put these plans into action because you're on the right path. Though, you may be feeling impatient and want to jump right in. Maybe you feel that you're not quite strong enough to do so, but you are. All that you want is possible, you just need to work for it. Remember not to go too fast and to take time out for your loved ones. Also, be smart with your finances in this time. However, things are in the universes hands, so luck is definitely on your side. For some, you may be meeting someone new. This can be romantic or platonic. They may be able to help you with these new ideas. For others, you may be dealing with an overbearing boss or authority figure. Stand your ground, but don't get too defensive and be kind (I know that really sucks because my first instinct is to chew someone out). But remember, luck is on your side, so all will work out in the end. Pile 2: Clear Quartz

Full Moon in Taurus, South Node, Ace of Cups reversed, Two of Pentacles, Queen of Pentacles, The Artist, The Magician reversed, 7 of cups, berkana.

"I think about you way more than anything else." - Quiet Light By The National

"All the very best of us string ourselves up for love." - Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks by the National

Oh boy. I sense heartbreak in this pile.

The biggest message I'm getting with this pile is that you're doubting your self-worth. This could have stemmed from a situation involving a heartbreak. I think some of you may have been cheated on (take what resonates).

Others may have gotten into a relationship that seemed promising, only for it to turn out not so great. You may have rushed into things with unrealistic expectations, or found that it was hard to balance this relationship with the rest of your life.

And for others, you may be pursuing something or someone that is actually quite toxic. You've created an unhealthy attachment towards this situation or person, and you need to step back and reevaluate things. The lyrics from Quiet Light, "I think about you way more than anything else," as well as the card South Node suggest this. I'm not saying this is a horrible thing. We all have our obsessions. It's just that we need to figure out which ones are healthy and which ones aren't.

Whichever applies to you, there are a few things you need to know:

One, you need to take a step back and figure out what it is exactly you want. You need a plan. Whether this be a situation involving money or a person, you need to figure out what actions you need to take. Do not rush into things. It's not the time to do so.

Secondly, listen to your intuition. If you're with someone and something feels off, then this is probably not the situation for you. You need to slow down and listen. Chances are, you already know what you need to know, you're just not paying attention.

And lastly, the Full Moon in Taurus talks about Law of Attraction. I'm not going to get into that, but there's something it says in the guide book for this card that I think applies to this: "Value yourself and others will value you too." Trust me, I know how hard it is to get out of a depressive state. I've been depressed the majority of my life. However, once I started trying to be kinder to myself and tried harder to stop doubting myself, I found myself feeling better. I'm not saying this is the end-all-be-all, or that this is going to work for everyone (I think it would be total bullshit to say that, honestly), but what I am saying is that you can program your mind to be nicer. Yes, I still have bad days, but they're less frequent. Life is not all rainbows and roses, but with a little bit of effort, it can have a few more rainbows and roses.

Whatever situation you're in, I'm sorry. Know this: There is a new start within this situation. You can choose to start new. You can choose to free yourself of this toxic situation. I think this choice gives you power. It won't happen overnight, but an effort can help it happen. You don't deserve to be in this situation. Know that you're not alone (like seriously, if you need to talk, feel free to dm me!) Know that "All the very best of us string ourselves up for love". So, again. You're not alone. Don't let this get you down.

Sorry if this was kind of heavy, but apparently it needed to come through to someone. Maybe this was what you needed to hear to realize what kind of a situation you're in.

Pile 3: Pink/Gold Rock

Full Moon, Seven of Swords, 3 of pentacles, Death reversed, The World, Queen of Cups, Four of Swords and Ansuz (A) rune.

"There's a little bit of hell in everyone." - Rylan by The National

"I'm addicted to the soundtrack. I need the noise." - Don’t Know Yet by Silversun Pickups

This group has a habit of keeping bad habits. It's okay, we all are there once and awhile. The problem is that you've gotten too comfortable where you're at. You've been stagnant, resisting the change. But, the thing is, when we allow ourselves to become stagnant, we grow apathetic. Is that a life worth living? This refusal to let go of bad habits and even obsessions will not end this chapter of your life. Instead, you'll be stuck reading the same three sentences over and over and none of it is going to register in your brain. You need to work on letting go of the negative and allow change to come in.

Some of you may need to work on forgiving yourself and others, as well as stop needing to do it all alone. You may need to collaborate with others in order to work through this change. Some of you are just being hardheaded and sneaky. Don't be that way. Honestly, just Death Reversed and Seven of Swords suggest this, but I also have a feeling that one of you needs to hear this. Circling back to the thought about not needing to do it alone, this applies to you especially. You need to be open about your emotions and thoughts. Work through this with someone else.

Others may need to take a break. Clear your mind. You're ignoring your intuition. Clearing your mind may help you quiet all those doubts you have, enabling you to trust your gut.

Overall, however, a new chapter is beginning. The World and Full Moon signal cycles ending. You're in this stage. It's up to you to be ready. Do you want to keep going back a few pages to reread what you missed while you were repeating those sentences? Or do you want to be able to finish this book and start another one? You have everything you need available to you; whether it's within yourself, or by working with others, it's up to you.

Pile #4: Opalite

Full Moon in Aries, The Lovers, The World, Ace of Pentacles, Seven of Cups, The Tower, Page of Swords, Page of Wands, 8 of Swords, Hagalaz

"Don't you know, someday, somebody will come find you?" - So Far, So Fast by the National

"Guardian Angel, what do you see? I have tripped on all of your signs." - Romance Languages #1 by Cold War Kids

You are so smart, but you're afraid of the unknown and that's holding you back. You're terrified of what the future brings, so you allow yourself to stay stuck in this mental cage. Living in your daydreams instead of acting them out. You have a curious mind, always striving to learn new things. You're also extremely insightful, and usually you're really good at communicating. But this fear is holding you back, making you feel unfocused and unable to use your voice. I see that some of you may need to make a decision about some sort of union. Maybe this is about the joining of ideas, or a relationship. Whatever this is, it offers stability and the end of a hard chapter. But, to get here, you need to take the blindfold off and free yourself. You're ignoring all of the signs sent to you that it’s time to change, and because of this you're going to experience a tower moment. You have built a foundation that is not stable, and it's going to fall down. It may come as some shocking revelation. Or something painful. I do think this tower moment is avoidable if you already know what this decision is and can act on it, but if not it's out of your control. Once it's happened be building your foundation back up. Just remember this: you're not trapped, you've only convinced yourself this. Hope something in this resonated! I spent a lot of time on this and now I feel like I could sleep for days :( Also, still really in need of more lyrics outside of The National...I swear there’s more in the deck, but those seem to really want to come out these past weeks!

#tarot #pick a card

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ramblesofadreamerofthestars · 4 years

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The 100 said Live Fast Die Young, Bad Bitches Do It Well, and they were Right

We were so fed this episode with women kicking ass, it’s what we deserve. As always, spoilers for the most recent episode (7.06) of The 100

Indra becoming the commander of Wonkru, you love to see it. Like we’ve been saying this shit for years now, destroy the fucking flame and let Indra lead. Shout out to Adina Porter’s amazing acting skills (again), because every scene she’s in she absolutely kills and I am constantly in awe of everything she does. I understand where Indra was coming from with trying to get Madi to unite Wonkru again, the flame and the commander is all she’s known, but it was still,,,, Not Great! I’m so happy Jackson, Murphy and Emori showed up and put a stop to that shit, and I love how much they genuinely care for her. Side note, while I love getting to see Madi being a kid and getting to experience being normal, the fucking whiplash I got seeing Duncan/Quigley Quagmire on screen was a Time. “Yes I was a null left out to die, no I don’t want to fight you”, this kid is so Tired already I love him and want the best for him.

Beyond that incredible scene of Indra taking control of Wonkru (complete with “Can I at least watch?” ‘No.’ “I’m going to watch” and Murphy’s little clap, fucking amazing I love every moment Memori is on screen), the Sanctum scenes Once Again Dragged On. And now we added another plot? Technically we added it on a couple episodes ago but I’m already So Tired of Hatch’s girlfriend whatever the fuck her name is. “Tell Raven Boom Boom” fuck out of here with that corny ass shit, you are the Least important storyline in the clusterfuck that the writers have created. I kind of hope they all just get like...sent to a different planet I don’t Care about it.

Sheiheda (finally spelled that bitches name right I think) is so....one dimensional. Like, I get it it’s the increased tension with the believers and Wonkru fracturing and what not but he’s so fucking evil for...no reason?? He’s like, “everyone wants power blah blah blah power is the greatest weapon you could have, I’ll teach you how to gain power” whoop de fucking do. You’re not special, you’re not even an interesting flavour of evil I’m so tired of your shit. Penn getting the best line of “please Shut Him Up” was the audience taking over his body for a hot sec. Nelson I had hopes for you but like....b u d d y. “Hmm, I have dedicated my entire life to taking down corrupt leaders who take away people’s free wills so they can stay in power, but I guess I’ll listen to you, who won’t shut up about how people want power (self project much?) and also just give off bad vibes” like b r u h.

THE DIYOZA-BLAKE FAMILY IS BACK IN ACTION BITCHES!! When Diyoza appeared I was so fucking happy I have Missed Her. The montage of her being as inconvenient as possible and rescuing herself to a kickass soundtrack? Art. I love them all getting to reuinte and the little moment of comforting Octavia when she said Bellamy was dead (just you fucking wait babe). I think it’s fairly obvious which direction they want Echo to go but I’m still hoping against hope she gets some good character development before the series ends. Diyoza agreeing with Echo killing that old man picking flowers but Octavia not liking it, Interesting.

And Levitt!! He’s Not Dead!!! I am still very concerned for him and also slightly suspicious of him but I really really hope he’s as genuine as he seems. His and Octavia’s little moment, beautiful I loved it, Levitt really said punch me in the face it’ll be awesome huh. Not like, super thrilled with Gabriel’s choice but whatever they needed them to stay on Sanctum I guess.

(fuck you for mentioning the native Bardoans again without letting me see them or giving me more information Let Me See The Crystal Giants.)

And finally, our lord and saviour, Clarke Griffin and her team of planet hopping idiots. Did Not enjoy the spiders, just right off the bat, not a fan of those. However, Nakara being the human garbage disposal is so fucking funny to me and the fact that the caves are a living being (with an anomaly stone in it like fucking what??? Did this bitch eat that too???). That smash cut between Russel saying “Then you take out the enemies Queen” and Clarke Griffin, poetic cinema. I love her so much y’all and I love her and Raven’s little moment. ALSO! I would die for Niylah and her stupid puns I love her and want her protected at all costs. Jordan geeking out over aliens continues to be a delight, this is what we deserved from Monty and Harper’s kid. Remove the impressionable youth from the shitty influences and would you look at that, Much Better. And Miller continues to be a delight and a whole ass mood in every episode, just here for Clarke and to get their people back but complaining the whole way because of the batshit insanity they go through, I Love Him. So many “side” characters got like, three lines this episode and that’s really great for them, would love to see them say more some day.

I will say I wish Raven apologized to Clarke for what she’s said and done in the past, but her line of Clarke Griffin doesn’t break was really indicative of how the rest of the deliquints saw her, as their leader yes but also someone who could kill without falling apart when in reality we know it nearly destroyed her inside. I really hope that Raven continues to grow and understand and her and Clarke get to where they should have always been. Also, Raven talking about killing twelve (12) people and how it feels like her soul is breaking or whatever and I can just imagine Clarke’s inner monologue of “Remember that time I killed an Entire Mountain Of People and y’all got mad at me for leaving to process that, good times good times”. It’s definitely the start to a better path for Raven and I really really really hope it continues.

Overall, this episode while the plot was kind of boring was saved by just how amazing the ladies were, kick ass take names and look incredible doing it, I love them. The acting continues to be incredible (once again shout out to JR Bourne for doing the Most) and even though I despise some of the storylines, the actors should be given praise for making it compelling stories to watch with how far their characters have come. Fuck Sanctum though.

Next Episode Emori getting her time in the spotlight? You love to see it. I will say I’m incredibly worried for her (JRoth if you kill her is2g) but I am also So Ready to see her go off. I think this is the episode of Murphy with a gun to his head comes from? Idk should be interesting even if it’s dealing with whatever the fuck her name is crazy lady. Also, trouble with the Diyoza family, which will be Extremely interesting to watch as Diyoza has to come to terms with the fact that Hope has grown up without her, but also trying to make sure she doesn’t make the same mistakes Diyoza made.

When will Bellamy return from the war. When we get the Bellarke reunion I’m going to lose my mind y’all already know I’m a clown for them and I miss him (once again the character not the actor because Once Again, it is Completely understandable for them to prioritize their mental health first). I feel a little like Kronk watching these episodes like “oh ya, it’s all coming together” I can’t Wait for all the OG’s to reunite for the final season

#The 100 #the 100 s7 #the 100 spoilers #I know I didn't mention the Second Dawn #this post is already so long and I'm tired #but Miller saying It has to be a coincidence is dumbass representation baby #like ya ok it's a Coincidence that sounds logical #bellarke #because i'm literally always a clown for them #let Madi play soccer 2kwhateveryearitis

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bethhxrmon · 5 years

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All the ones that would be even 💖 Love youuu!

Love you too, mom!!!! 😘

lavender; soundcloud or vinyls? Ummmm neither, I kinda just use spotify and youtube whoops!

lunar mist; do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets? Heck fricking yes!!!! I love it!

gardenia; what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself? Ooof idk that I’m not gonna beat myself up for getting a B in AP Stats.

whirling butterflies; would you kiss the last person you kissed again? It genuinely depends, most likely not tho. I’d probably slap him first for being a douchecanoe.

apricot drift; how do you feel right now? Pretty alright, still sick but not too terrible!

queen’s cup; what are you craving right now? Fruit. Just, give me all the fruit please and thanks.

water lilly; when was the last time you cried? why? Literally today bc I was listening to the Legally Blonde soundtrack and one of the songs got me too hard today.

winterberry; do you bite or lick your ice cream? Normally I just lick, but if I’m in a rush, you gotta do what you gotta do even if it hurts the teeth.

desert rose; do you like yourself? For the most part, yeah!

night owl; how many countries have you visited? Only the US, but I’ll get to go to France, the UK, and Spain soon so there’s that!

creams and sky; what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done? Idk, there was this one time last year when it was the last orchestra concert of the year. And I was playing while people were coming in. And I deadass played the Mii Channel music for a whole ten minutes. That was pretty wild for me.

pumpkin patch; what’s your zodiac sign? Scorpio!

daphne; do you believe in karma? Hmmm I think so.

wisteria; whom do you admire and why? If we’re talking people I know, then definitely my orchestra teacher bc she just does so much and works so hard. She deserves the freaking world.

remember me; did you make someone laugh today? I don’t think so, depends on if my chronic dumbassery entertained my friends today.

lilac; if you could go back in time which time period would you visit? I think it’d be fun to hang out in the 20s. Not for too long bc human rights, but I’d love to check it out.

primula; what makes you sad? Climate change lmao

queen anne’s lace; who do you trust the most? Almost definitely my all time best friend @gaypanda

forget me not; do you have any regrets looking back in your life? Not really, I’ve just been doing what I can.

violet; favorite tv show? I really love The Good Place

snowdrop; what does your ideal day look like? Waking up without an alarm, getting to be around people I enjoy, having coffee or tea with them, and just chilling.

peony; share a small random book passage that means something to you. I can’t find it verbatim, but that part in War and Peace when Sonya is hated on even though she’s done nothing wrong means a lot. Mostly because it pisses me off. Tolstoy is truly a little bitch.

honeysuckle; do you usually date people your age or older/younger? Usually older bc I’m the youngest in my grade.

love in the mist; best books you’ve ever read? In no particular order: Phantom of the Opera, The Body Project, The Color Purple, the entire Harry Potter series, and Turtles All the Way Down

magnolia; coffee or tea? Why not both???

snowflake; are you a dog or a cat person? Cats. I just really love them, dogs are okay tho.

cosmos; do you ever think about the galaxy? All the time!

freesia; do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not? My parents, yeah, I don’t have any siblings.

poppy; have you ever dealt with a mental illness? Hell yeah boi, got that good ol’ depression and anxiety that my parents don’t think I have oof.

dandelion; do you consider yourself and extrovert or an introvert? I think I’m both

anemone; describe yourself in 3 words. I am baby ( @spellboundcities will understand)

angelonia; what is your eye and hair color? Green eyes and blonde hair

buttercup; if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be? The establishment, fam. Gotta stop that poverty and that climate change.

calendula; biggest pet peeve? When people say they “don’t believe” in something that literally exists?????? Like, how dumb can ya get tbh

blazing star; share a secret. Idk if this counts, but I totally threw my stand partner under the bus so I could be stand partners with one of my close friends bc he can actually play.

petunia; who’s story is your biggest inspiration in life? why? Right now, probably Elle Woods’, I know she’s fictional but she’s freaking great and it’s an inspiration when I gotta go to college all by myself and stuff.

nymphea; forest or river? Forest

pansy; do you like poetry? Yeah, it’s cool!

#steph answers stuff #hi mom

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mia-cooper · 5 years

Text

2018: Fanfic Year in Review (Part 1)

Listing my favourite fic I've posted each month this year. (You’ll note there are only 9 fics on this list, for reasons I’ll explain below.)

Coming soon: another post where I'll pick my favourite fics posted by other writers in each month of the year, which will (hopefully) help other writers feel good and (also hopefully) give readers something new to enjoy, or remind them to revisit a favourite. (This one will be hard because of all the quality fic that’s been posted this year, but I’ll do my best!)

All I ask from you is if there’s a fic you enjoy/ed on either list, mine or someone else’s, please give it a kudos or comment, especially if you haven’t done so already. ♥

My 2018 Fic Review Roundup

January – Queen of Swords (T)

ST:DSC, ST:MU | Mirror Burnham x Mirror Lorca, Mirror Georgiou x Mirror Lorca

Okay, so I didn’t have a whole lot of choice for this month because this was the only fic I wrote. Nonetheless, I don’t hate it. I’m grateful to Discovery for exciting my spleen over the Mirror Universe status of Gabriel Lorca (about which I am still, and will forever be, bitter) as it was the only thing that inspired me to write about anything during my post-Christmas mental wasteland.

It’s about Mirror Michael Burnham’s competitive, twisted affair with Mirror Lorca, but it’s really more about the toxic relationship between Burnham and her foster mother, Emperor Georgiou. It’s about escaping abuse and trying to find a new, better way, but not having the tools to do so. It’s about being caught between loyalties and being unable to choose. And there are some heavy Macbeth references in there, but I see Michael more in the role of Hamlet, though her fate at the end of the story is ambiguous.

February – Open Hand (M)

ST:VOY | Janeway x Chakotay

This was another dry month for the muse, so again, I had only one choice for Fic of the Month, and it was one I’d never planned on writing. @writtenndust commented in a discord chat about the role played by Janeway’s and Chakotay’s hands in a number of episodes throughout the show (these are the things we shippers analyse in crazy detail), and I suddenly couldn’t stop thinking about hand-clasping being the most contact we saw in canon between these two and how many opportunities were missed, and then I climbed inside Janeway’s head as she was debriefed post-homecoming and she got very introspective about it.

I really like this fic. I like its melancholy feel, Janeway’s self-understanding and her calm acceptance that sometimes you don’t get the fairytale ending. And I like that we do get the fairytale after all.

March – Warmth and Colour (T)

ST:TNG | Guinan x Lwaxana Troi

Once again, the only fic I published all month (are we sensing a pattern here?) This one was for @gluecookie for the Trek Rarepair Swap, and I don’t mind admitting that it took forever to get into. I absolutely love both of these characters but I’d never thought about shipping them before, and I couldn’t word for some reason, and the more I tried to find the right angle the more twisted up I got. In the end, though I’d wanted to give my recipient something meatier, I ended up with a pretty light story full of banter and a couple of slightly more serious personal revelations.

The most amazing thing about this story? My recipient not only loved it, they gifted me back with fanart they drew themselves. This is the most wonderful thing that can happen to a fanfic writer! (Incidentally, I’ve been lucky enough to have been gifted a soundtrack for The Bitter End by @cheile and a moodboard for Laced and Bound by @supernovacoffee and I couldn’t be happier about it.) And I’m actually planning a sequel to Warmth and Colour, hopefully sometime early in 2019.

April – Displaced (T)

ST:TNG, ST:DSC, ST:MU | Lorca x Garrett

What do you know, I have two fics and two drabbles to choose from this month!

This is one of the weirder fics I’ve written. It not only involves an impossible pairing (Rachel Garrett is from a different century to Gabriel Lorca), it’s set on an alternate plane of existence: both of them are dead, and they meet in some kind of limbo or spiritual waiting room. Each of them has one last chance to connect with another human being, but then each gets to make the choice between life and death.

This story is also an attempt to explain what happened to Prime Lorca, and it’s not a happy ending; there’s a sequel, In the Wrong Light, that’s a whole lot darker than this fic.

May – Abandoned (M)

ST:VOY | Janeway x Torres

Wow, May was a great month for writing – I bashed out 10 fics in 3 fandoms at a total of over 25,000 words! This was mainly thanks to the inspiring prompt memes on tumblr – a kiss + a ship and six sexy words – and consequently, most of these works veered on the nsfw side. (I have a stack more prompts to write to in 2019, as well.)

As for a favourite? I’m going to have to go with Abandoned. It’s set during Year of Hell, one of my all-time favourite Voyager episodes, and it’s hurt/comfort and angst, and it’s about love that’s unspoken and complicated but no less real for it. And I like B’Elanna being the strong one for the captain, because in canon we only really get to see Janeway being strong for her.

June – To Those Who Wait (M)

ST:VOY | Sekaya x Phoebe Janeway

This is actually a work in progress – I’ve planned another three chapters – and it fits into a larger universe of loosely-connected stories that @jhelenoftrek and I have been blathering about for over a year now and we are definitely going to get started on the series that brings them all together in 2019, aren’t we Helen?

Anyway, I’m fond of this story. It was a birthday present for Helen in which I tried to combine a number of her favourite things because she’s one of my favourite people, and it’s the only Sekaya x Phoebe Janeway story on AO3, which is kind of cool. And Phoebe is sexy and angry and mouthy, and Sekaya is gorgeous and lonely and rebellious, and Mark is weird and self-aware and ridiculously in love with Kathryn, who’s damaged and brave and brittle, and Chakotay is confident and sarcastic and big-brotherly and has no idea of the tragedy that’s in store for him and his sister.

And J/C pass like ships in the night long before they meet in canon, and their siblings have a passionate, tempestuous one-night-stand which (spoiler alert) isn’t going to fit the one-night-stand category in the end.

July – Trigger (E)

ST:VOY | Janeway x Chakotay

Another fic prompted by tumblr memes, and one I’d been wanting to write for quite a while. It’s not my only Equinox-inspired fic (another of my favourite episodes) and probably won’t be my last. I wanted to explore Janeway’s loss of control in this one – her anger and bitterness and rage, and the way she takes them out on the people she loves – and I wanted more of Chakotay supporting her publicly but in private, not backing down one whit.

And I wanted really hot sex. Hopefully I achieved that.

(August and September are fic-free because I was posting The Epic. I’ll come back to that one.)

October – Nothing Like a Dame (T)

ST:VOY | Paris x Torres

Ah, fictober, how I loved you. For those who don’t already know, I decided to embark on fictober at approximately 8pm on September 30, despite having a thousand other things I should have been committing to. Just to make it trickier, I also decided I would write a missing-scene ficlet to every single daily prompt, and I’d keep it canon-consistent and in order of episode airing. As you can imagine, this was quite a challenge, and resulted in me producing almost 29,000 words in a single month.

Of these 31 ficlets, I think this one is my favourite. The two protagonists aren’t even really main characters on the show – they’re mindwiped alter egos in a World War II holodeck program – but they’re still relatable both to the show’s characters and to the world today. What ‘Brigitte’ experiences as a collaborateur horizontale is the kind of thing women go through in every war, and what ‘Bobby’ learns from her is a lesson a lot of men in power today could stand to learn.

It’s also given me an idea for a Killing Game-based fic series, so stay tuned for that, sometime in 2027, probably.

(November is fic-free because I hate the only fic I posted that month so much I deleted it from AO3)

December – Desperate Measures (E)

ST:VOY | Janeway x Chakotay, Janeway x other male, Chakotay x Seven, Kim x Seven

I mean, I had to include The Epic. And strictly speaking I’ve been writing it for well over a year, but it counts. At over 70,000 words so far – my longest fic to date – it absobloodylutely counts.

This is an Endgame-fixing post-DQ action adventure featuring angst, romance, conspiracy, drama and smut. Perfect for the holiday season, right? (And no promises, but I’ll do my level best to finish it before the end of January!)

______

Coming soon: My favourite fics by other people for every month of 2018

Happy reading (and reviewing)!

#miawrites #2018 year in review #on writing

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atsushishelteredinmoonlitjasmine · 5 years

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KH3 Grievances and Blessings

As of this date, April 8th, 2019, today marks the end of my KH3 journey. I'm recording the date because I know there's DLC for KH3 coming out within the coming months and I don't know whether it'll be plot-related or just gameplay patches/changes (Like Critical Mode). Regardless, I wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings towards KH3 because, like many others, I had been awaiting the release of this game for a long time (Though not as long as others) and, as soon as the game was released in Japan, I blacklisted/muted KH3 tags so as to not be spoiled. It took me over two months since the worldwide release on January 29th to see what KH3 had to offer and, while the main story part ended on April 4th, today was the true end to everything else.

Now I want to make two things clear. First off, I never played KH3. I watched an LP of it, due to money and I didn't wanna wait months for this game. That's also why it took this long for me to write this. Secondly, as of the time writing this, I haven't read the Ultimania outside of some unrelated details since, before April 4th, I made doubly sure to avoid spoilers because I still wanted to be surprised at the ending, despite my predictions of it. If there are some things I bring up in this that are answered in the Ultimania, then link me those.

I'll also be going through practically every aspect of KH3 I can think of, such as the graphics, the gameplay, the story, etc. However, to keep things organized, I'll talk about the main story towards the end of this, since that's where I believe I'll have the most to talk about. Think of it as if the first half was the minor stuff and the second half the major. I'll even mark where it splits off so as to make it easier to know where to skip to.

Listed below are KH3 spoilers, so if you don't want to get spoiled, now's your chance to stop reading. Otherwise, here are my thoughts!

Let's start with the graphics. They are simply gorgeous, sometimes even breathtaking. As many people have pointed out, the in-game graphics are on the same quality level as the old-school FMVs from the older KH games. Even when the cutscenes go to pre-rendered, they are super beautiful. The only complaints I have are, in pre-rendered cutscenes, character models tend to look weird in certain shots. It's a minor complaint but I feel like the characters come off as being... shiny, if that makes sense. I know one of the complaints for 0.2 was that Aqua looked plastic and it seems like, in an attempt to stray away from that end of the spectrum, they made everyone look shiny. Again, that's only in the pre-rendered cutscenes, not in-game itself so... Another complaint was that, in the beginning with Sora and co. heading off to and their visit to Olympus Colosseum, it's easy to tell that they were using the 0.2 graphics because Sora looked exactly plastic. Afterwards, they switched to the current graphics but it's still kinda jarring, in a way. I feel like it may have been to save money, considering the big amount of money they spent on everything else.

Secondly, gameplay. The gameplay, overall, seems solid. It's using the KH2 combat, combined with the BBS shotlocks, Links/Summons, Keyblade transformations, DDD's Flowmotion, and Attractions. However, it also feels overwhelming to have that many gameplay styles/mechanics stuffed into one game. I feel like Nomura was trying to do the same thing that Sakurai (Creator of Smash) did with Smash Ultimate by taking the positive aspects of the previous games' combat and stuffing them into this game, almost as if it were a love letter to the KH fandom. I'm not saying that that's a bad thing, I just think it was clumsily handled.

This leads into a mini-point I had about the difficulty. As I said earlier, Critical Mode, which has been a difficulty setting since KH2 (I believe?), wasn't included in this game, which was considered weird. The LPer I watched KH3 from had played the previous KH games on the hardest difficulty and he believed he'd play KH3 on Critical. Because of this exclusion, he played on Proud Mode and this was absolutely the easiest KH game. It is so easy to overlevel, it is hard to die unless you're purposefully playing terrible or turned on "No Experience", and some gameplay mechanics, I feel, break gameplay. Attractions in particular are ridiculously gamebreaking, due to the insane amounts of invincibility frames and power some of them have. Speaking of it being hard to die, overleveling goes hand-in-hand with that but the fact that you can buy Kupo Coins from the Moogle shops makes Proud Mode a joke. To explain what Kupo Coins are, they are one-use items that basically make it to where it instantly revives you if/when your HP drops to 0 and you can buy many of these coins. They're essentially get-out-of-jail-free coins which, if you're playing on Hard Mode, shouldn't be a thing. There's also a minigame where you can cook all sorts of meals that can grant you any kind of boosts with Remy from Ratatouille. The stat boosts from even the simplest of meals are ridiculous and they also make dying hard to do. I understand that the crew wanted to make KH3 welcoming to newcomers but I feel this is going a little too far in not making the players feel frustrated each time they die in Proud Mode.

Thirdly, the non-original worlds. It's hard to decide whether or not I like them. On the one hand, they're the largest they've ever been, they're expansive, and the crew were able to successfully capture the look of each movie they adapted. On the other, the stories can be hit or miss, they throw tons of enemies at you (which absolutely contributes to the overleveling I mentioned), and they don't serve much of a purpose in the main story outside of fanservice. Some of the worlds were an absolute delight, such as the Tangled and Monsters Inc worlds, while others were a slog to get through, such as the Frozen and Big Hero 6 worlds. This is merely my opinion so don't take it too seriously. The way they decided to go about the stories within each world was to either: 1, be a Cliffnotes version of that world, or 2, create an original story set after the events of the movie. The first way was not a good decision because, out of all the new worlds they revealed for this game, I only watched Hercules, Toy Story, Monsters Inc, and Tangled, so when the LPer I watched headed to the other worlds that weren't mentioned, I was thoroughly confused. The second way could be pretty hit or miss, because I remember getting tired of the Toy Story world towards the end but I enjoyed the story of the Monsters Inc, due to how cute it was. Going back to what I mean by these worlds not serving a purpose, I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility to say these were meant for the express purpose of padding. The reason given for exploring these worlds is so Sora can learn the Power of Waking and, if he doesn't learn it in that world, he'll go to the next and rinse, repeat. I won't go into detail in this section but I'll explain more about it when I get to the story section.

Fourthly, the music. This is probably the one of the few aspects that stayed consistently good. Although I could tell there were more pieces of music that I had heard in other games, Yoko Shimomura still made it fresh by reorechestrating those. I'll give her some slack with those because I can imagine that, with how far into the series KH is and how many themes to keep track of, it was probably easier to remix existing songs than make an entirely new soundtrack. Still, there were some new pieces of music (Most of which from the aforementioned worlds) that I liked. The Toy Story fight music is an absolute bop and the Monsters Inc world music is so whimsical and fun. There were some really nice mashups as well, such as the Other Promise/Vector to the Heavens mashup and Oscuritia de Xehanort. I haven't had a chance to listen to all of the soundtrack yet so these were just the ones from the top of my head.

Fifthly, the voice acting. This is just a personal thing for me, since I want to become a voice actor someday and I like to observe/take mental notes whenever voice acting is involved. The voice acting in of itself is good. Sora was his absolute best in this game, especially in that one scene we ALL know from the trailer and it broke my heart hearing that in-game. Mostly everyone was good, too, aside from some weird line deliveries and voices not fitting some characters. However, I have to point out how... weird the voice-acting is with Terra, Aqua, and Xehanort. Xehanort was probably the weirdest because I'm so used to Leonard Nimoy's Xehanort that this one was kinda jarring. Rutger Hauer is the new VA and... I know he doesn't have the same raspy, gravelly voice Leonard Nimoy had but I feel his Xehanort just doesn't fit the character as much, especially since I noticed Xehanort sounded like he had a very slight Irish accent in this game. Rutger Hauer is Dutch so I don't know how I heard Irish but I'm gonna chalk that up to never hearing a Dutch person speak before. Terra's definitely the best acting out of these three but compared to the other two, it's not much. While it's not bad, I still prefer his 0.2 performance since it seemed like he put effort into that. Terra seems to share the same problem I have with Aqua in that he never raises his voice up above being low. It's hard to tell if he does because they only got Jason Dohring in for two scenes (the Wayfinder Trio reunion and the stupid Xehanort redemption scene), despite being a main character. Aqua was in more than two scenes but her voice acting was kinda the worst, which kills me because she's my queen. For some reason, her voice never goes up above low talking and I don't know if it's just me but she constantly sounds as if she's being cut off. Like, the sound mixing for Aqua makes it sound as if she's cut out at the end for each of her sentences. This was a problem that was present in 0.2 but I brushed that off since I figured 0.2 was not considered a full game by itself. I don't know whether or not it's Willa Holland herself or the voice director for both games but Aqua can be allowed to be emotional other than angry, raise her voice, and not be cut off.

Oh boy, the sixth point. Let me start off by saying this is merely a personal gripe I have and it's fine if people disagree with me or even don't see what I'm saying. I'm just stating this because I talked about this issue on my Livetweet Thread and I want to bring this up. Now... there are instances in this game where Sora express self-doubt or have other characters express worry for Sora (and Aqua for one time) to Donald, Goofy, and Mickey. Each time this was brought up, we had them saying the answer of "they're strong so they're okay". Normally, I wouldn't really be offended at this if it was for one or two times. KH3, however, has this happen several times and... let's just say I got a little testy. The characters this answer was said to or about were Aqua, Sora, and Elsa (as far as I can remember), all of whom I can safely say have issues with their mental health. Sora's the only one I can't definitively say (outside of headcanon territory) but even then... Sora has problems with his self-worth and his sense of strength, Aqua, for all we know, probably has depression and POSSIBLY PTSD, and Elsa definitely has depression and self-image issues. To the Disney characters, any time these issues are brought up, they somehow correlate physical strength with mental fortitude and think that answer is perfectly okay to say. I'm probably reading way too much into this but the way I take it, each time they say that answer, it comes off as Sora/Aqua/Elsa are being weak and need to get over it. The first example I'll bring up of this is when Riku and Mickey are in the RoD trying to save Aqua the first time and Riku expresses worry for Aqua, who's been in this hellhole for 11 years at this point. Mickey just says she'll be fine because she's strong, which baffles me because how does he not remember how Aqua was the last time they met? She was straight up about to succumb to the darkness when he saved her the first time and when she said to him she wasn't sure how much longer she'd be able to ward off the darkness, he just said she'll be okay. Like, she has been stuck in this hell for over a decade, being tormented and having to fight for her life constantly, all the while losing hope she may get out. The one time she's finally close enough to get out, it's snatched away from her. No wonder she was pissed off at Mickey for leaving her when they met again! The second example is any time Sora was expressing doubt in himself over being strong enough and he had Donald and Goofy say he'd be fine. This, to me, made it seem like they were placing such high expectations on Sora to be strong that he wasn't allowed to have moments of emotional vulnerability which I wouldn't be surprised contributed to the worsening of the self-doubt and the culmination of that despair scene. Again, I know it seems like I'm reading too much into this but this was something that legit made me angry. As someone who relates to Sora's self-worth issues and Aqua's depression, I don't think someone telling me that I'll be fine because I was strong constantly would make me feel better. If anything, I'd probably feel worse because I'd be too afraid to appear being weak around that person lest I betray their expectation of me being strong that I keep my feelings of weakness to myself until I eventually broke down. To give benefit to the Disney characters, I believe they were genuinely saying what they thought was best in those kinds of situations. Hell, maybe they even thought that, by saying that, the character would believe them and think they were silly for thinking they were worthless. But I don't believe the Disney characters are good role models for the importance of mental health, given their track record. Still, this was a personal gripe of mine and everyone is free to disagree with me on this. I don't even know if I made any sense in this but I tried.

Now we move on to the major stuff. This next half will mainly include my opinions on the story, the characters, how they were handled, etc. and everyone is free to disagree with me on any of those. I should also warn that any of the next sections may be lengthy, though it wouldn't be me if they weren't. There may also be some instances where I talk about how I would've rewritten some scenes, since there were some that desperately needed to be rewritten or re-edited or whatever else (which will be marked with *). However, I'll write those up in a separate thing because this entire post is mainly for my thoughts on KH3 as a whole and not just certain scenes. Besides, I don't want to bog this post down even further so...

Where to start? Well, I think it may be good to start with the plot and its loose threads. KH3 seems to have a problem with introducing plot threads and then dropping them off with no resolution, meaning they'll either be answered in the upcoming DLC or in the next game (Release dates unknown on both options). We have Maleficent and Pete looking for a black box (A significant thing in KHX, if you've watched Back Cover), the complete drop-off of Vexen and Demyx, the new seven Princesses of Heart, Subject X, the reveal that some of the New Organization members were Keyblade Wielders from the past, the whole thing of the heroes coming back after dying, and possibly other threads I cannot remember for the life of me. Again, I understand that these threads may be picked up in either the DLC or the next game but we don't know when either of those will be released. In a game that's supposed to bring answers to the many questions that were brought up in previous games, we still end up with many other questions that haven't been answered.

Let's go back to my mention of the non-original worlds serving no purpose other than fanservice. As stated in the beginning, Sora needs to learn the Power of Waking so that he can find and save Aqua in the RoD and, later on, awaken Ventus's heart so it'll return to his body sleeping in Castle Oblivion/Land of Departure. However, every time he reaches the end of a world, he still hasn't learned the Power of Waking and so goes to another world to see if he'll learn it there and rinse, repeat. In the newly-returned Land of Departure, it's stated that Sora had the Power of Waking in him all along, which made the trips to the worlds completely pointless. As someone pointed out in their review of KH3, while the Disney worlds in previous games served little more than fanservice, they at least had a goal in which the protagonists needed to fulfill, such as locking and unlocking the worlds, finding lost friends, and defeating those that pose a threat. In KH3, while the goal has been to learn the Power of Waking, it ultimately becomes meaningless upon revealing that Sora had the power within him all along.

Speaking of which, this leads into another thing that legitimately made me angry. We are never told what the Power of Waking is or what it does, only that it is essential to saving Aqua and Ventus. I had to learn from the comments section on YouTube what the Power of Waking was and it still wasn't fully explained what it was. Whenever Sora would be in Yen Sid's tower, Yen Sid would keep telling him that he needed the Power of Waking to venture into the RoD and everyone chastising Sora for being too impulsive and I'm just sitting there like "If you probably told him what the fucking power was, he'd probably have an easier time trying to learn it". It's one of those things where, if Sora were under my writing control, I'd have him slowly getting more and more frustrated over being told to learn something he doesn't understand and isn't being told on what it is that he'd eventually snap. I have some personal experience with that so maybe it's my bias talking.

Next thing I wanted to bring up was my thoughts and feelings towards the third act and the ending. I'll start from the Anti-Aqua stuff to the scenes right before the ending first. Anti-Aqua, while one of the best fights in KH3 (if you're not overleveled and using Attractions), is very quick. I mean, you do battle her a bit as Riku then switch over to Sora to full-on fight her and then she's saved but that sequence doesn't last long. It goes from Aqua calling out Mickey for abandoning her to fighting her to saving her then going off to save Ventus. Even the way she succumbed to darkness wasn't very... climatic. Earlier in the game, Ansem SoD surprises Ansem the Wise and Aqua as they're sitting on the Dark Beach from Blank Points and, after a pretty pitiful fight between Aqua and Ansem SoD (Totally understandable, though), she gets hit with a Dark Ball and falls into the dark ocean as the darkness consumes her. When I first watched the trailer revealing Anti-Aqua, I had a different idea in mind for how Aqua succumbed to the darkness* and the canon kinda disappointed me with how quick it came and went. Moving on, Sora, Aqua, and Disney (Dolan and Gooby) arrive at Castle Oblivion/Land of Departure to save Ventus and then Vanitas shows up. Aqua's only playable during the fight with Vanitas and she's taken out of the action as soon as he threatens Ven. Cue Sora learning the Power of Waking, saving Ven, Ven about ready to kick Vani's ass, and Sora and Ven meet for the first time. Then we move to Yen Sid's tower where everyone has a little chat and prepare for the fight tomorrow. Nice little scenes ensue (Riku meeting with Repliku, Sora and Kairi FINALLY becoming a couple, Aqua and Ven talking about how they'll save Terra, Lea and Saix eating atop the clocktower) then it's off to the Keyblade Graveyard! After an awesome fight with 10000 Heartless and shit, everyone fucking dies. You think it's a joke, no, everyone straight up dies! Terranort manages to take out Ven, Lea, and almost Kairi as well before Dolan pulls out the Zettaflare and vanquishes his ass. A Demon Tide comes into the mix and after becoming a cyclone, kills everyone except Sora and Riku because they were hit with the Stick of Incompetence. Sora and Riku join soon after and we meet with Chirithy in Purgatory! Sora abuses the Power of Waking to bring everyone back from the dead with Kairi's help (BTW, that's the only useful thing she does in this game) and somehow they forget that they died then proceed to almost die again immediately afterwards! Lingering Will shows up with next to no reason why, keeps Terranort busy while everyone fights the Demon Tide again until the power of Union Cross defeats it once and for all. Many New Organization fights later and Kairi getting the Damsel in Distress treatment YET AGAIN to only die later and Sora finally fights Xehanort. Even then, Xehanort manages to corrupt Kingdom Hearts but he's then used as a time portal for Sora and Disney to go to Scala ad Caelum to fight him there. Xehanort manages to forge the X-blade and actually kills Sora before he revives again with the power of friendship to defeat his wrinkly, veiny old ass. Xehanort then gets hit with a dose of Creator's Pet syndrome, which causes him to somehow be fucking redeemed as he goes to the KH equivalent of Heaven with good ol' brother Eraqus. Sora then decides to abuse the Power of Waking once more to save Kairi and, after he successfully brings her back, gets hit with the Thanos snap and disappears. In Secret Endings, the Foretellers come back, Xigbar is revealed to be Luxu, and Sora and Riku are in Shibuya and Shinjuku respectively, probably about ready to play the Reapers Game! If I missed anything, feel free to disagree!

I may have gone jokey after the Anti-Aqua fight but let me break the last paragraph and a half down. The Land of Departure sequence is nice, except for the part Vani one-shots Aqua in order to get to Ven. She doesn't throw up a barrier or try to deflect the magic with her Keyblade, she just tanks the hit which, if anyone's ever played Aqua in BBS, she ain't like Terra or Ven. It's only because Sora was able to awaken Ven that Aqua didn't get skewered on Vani's Keyblade. Aqua's a Keyblade Master who's fought and won against Vani twice, why the hell did she lose to him here? That, however, is NOTHING compared to her treatment in the Keyblade Graveyard. After Ven and Lea are taken out and Dolan annihilates Terranort, a Demon Tide becomes a Demon Cyclone and, after she, Sora, and Riku decide to fight it, she suddenly gives up and lets the Demon Cyclone kill her*. WHAT THE FUCK?! You mean to tell me that Aqua, a Keyblade Master who's spent 11 years in the RoD fighting for her life and was FINALLY brought back to the RoL, took one look at the Demon Cyclone, which is just a bigger version of the Demon Tides she's fought before, and decided to do suicide by cop? People from the comments section on YouTube try to justify this by saying she had PTSD and/or she was mourning the loss of Ven but I can't see her basically committing suicide over either of these reasons. I'm normally all for Aqua having PTSD because I can imagine that being in a stressful environment with everything trying to kill you on a daily basis isn't good for your mental health but she doesn't show any of the signs for PTSD and she doesn't give up on living the second time the Demon Cyclone shows up. As for her mourning the loss of Ven, I can MAYBE see that but I feel like Ven's death would give her more motivation to defeat the Demon Cyclone because one of the reasons why she fought so hard to get out of the RoD just died in front of her and she'd probably be pissed the fuck off. It may be my love for my oceanic queen coming through but she got hit with the Stick of Incompetence in KH3, along with many other characters.

The one character that was practically killed with it was Kairi. She easily became one of the most disappointing things from KH3 in that she was given the Damsel in Distress treatment yet again and was only killed to give Sora more angst/development. People were expecting her to do something and make herself useful and were instead given shit on a dirty platter. Yes, I know it's stupid to expect Kairi to fight on the level of a Keyblade Master. I don't think anyone was expecting that of her, considering how she literally started training with Lea days, or even weeks, before the final battle. However, we don't see her fighting at all, outside of the battle with Saix and Xion before she gets kidnapped again by Xemnas. She doesn't try to fight back against him and just lets herself be taken, not to mention how she just stares at Terranort after he takes out Lea, not even trying to defend herself*. This girl seems to have no survival instincts, whatsoever. The only useful thing she does in this game is bring Sora back from the brink of death so that he can save everyone else and that's it. While it's a good thing she did that, it's not really explained how she did that, other than 'Princess of Heart' BS.

I'm starting to believe that Nomura genuinely has no idea on what to do with Kairi. To me, he doesn't know what to do on making her stand out from the rest of the cast and has to keep turning her into a faux fighter. In terms of fighting, he doesn't know what to make her as. In my mind, Aqua and Xion (the only female fighters, since Namine is a non-combatant) have two different fighting styles. Aqua's more focused on magic and staying a distance away from her enemy while Xion's more focused on brute strength and getting up in her enemy's face. Kairi then should be the balance between the two, using both magic and strength to her advantage to keep her enemies on their toes. I should stress that I myself am not good at defining fights in general so I may be completely wrong on this but this is merely my interpretation/suggestion. There's a lot more I want to talk about with Kairi but these last two paragraphs pretty much summarize my point. I want to stress that I'm not blaming Kairi for her shitty writing. I'm blaming Nomura because he doesn't know how the fuck to write her as.

Which leads me to my next point of how I feel Sora got hit with a dose of Creator's Pet syndrome in this game. This is probably a point that people will think "Of course it's like that, Airi. He's the main character", which I agree with to an extent but... I'm probably the only one who thinks this but I feel like Sora was made out to be too... important, if that makes sense. In terms of reconnecting lost friends and defeating Xehanort, that's fine. However, also being the one to solve everything by either defeating the enemy or saying stuff from a typical stock shounen series kinda rubbed me the wrong way. It's hard for me to explain in a way that doesn't make it seem as if I don't understand a main character's importance but I'm trying. Here's how I see it: while it's been stated time and again that Sora is the one to connect everyone (Memory's fuzzy on that part) and I know he has to fulfill that purpose in some way, KH3 puts so much emphasis on that, it downplays the other characters' importance or even ruins any chance of development they could've gotten. Sora has to have the spotlight no matter what, even at the cost of characters who need it more. The biggest example of this is Xehanort killing Kairi so it gives Sora more motivation to beat him. Sora was given more development at the cost of Kairi's own. As I said before with Kairi, I'm not blaming Sora for this, I'm blaming Nomura because he decided to give Sora more development than he needed/should've had and sacrificing the other characters in order to boost the already massive value his role has. Hopefully, the DLC will give the others the much-needed development they need.

Speaking of which, it's not only the heroes who got mishandled in this game. Three specific villains (Young Xehanort, Vanitas, and Luxord) come to mind and it somehow got worse down the line. In the Toy Story world, Young Xehanort gets verbally beat down by Woody. In the Monsters Inc. world, Vanitas get yeeted through several doors by Mike and Sulley. In the Caribbean world, Luxord faints because Jack Sparrow had bad breath. These are villains we're supposed to be intimidated by/motivated to defeat and they're made into a complete joke in the world they're antagonizing. Young Xehanort got off easy compared to Vanitas and Luxord, since all he had to deal with was Woody giving him a scolding and brushing it off like nothing. As much as I like the Yeetus Vanitas joke, you mean to tell me that Vanitas, the darkness gremlin himself, didn't sense Sulley sneaking up on him or even try stopping himself from being yeeted through more doors after the first few? What about the Gambler of Fate? He faints because Jack had a little rum in his breath after he got to play pirate again? If that scene was meant to be funny, it accomplished its purpose, just not in the way it was intended to, because how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by Luxord when he gets taken out due to someone's bad fucking breath? The way the New Organization's written as is anywhere between being inexplicably strong and able to kill everyone (with the exception of Sora after a despair-induced death and revival) to being laughable and weak enough to be yeeted through doors and taken down by bad breath. That's totally good writing!

Getting back to the story, let's move on to the abso-fucking-lutely stupid Xehanort redemption scene. In the game proper, after he's been defeated once and for all by Sora with the power of friendship, it's revealed that the reason why Xehanort went on this crusade to control Kingdom Hearts was to restore balance and essentially reset the world. He's basically portrayed as this person who, in his pursuit of restoring balance to the world, resorted to extreme methods that almost achieved the opposite of what he wanted. To be fair, that in of itself isn't bad and probably would've made Xehanort an interesting antagonist. However, this completely contradicts what we know about Xehanort before this point! If he really wanted balance, he shouldn't have been spreading darkness to every world he and his incarnations have been to! Even disregarding that point, he's manipulated, controlled, and ruined so many lives. He took control of Terra's body after spending the entirety of his story manipulating him, almost killed Ventus with creating Vanitas if not for Sora's timely intervention, manipulated and controlled Riku, manipulated all of Organization XIII while using them for empty heart tanks, and killed both Eraqus and Kairi! If we're supposed to feel sympathetic for him, why not show him regretting doing all that, hesitating, anything to make us think he didn't WANT to do that but had to in order to accomplish his goal? Then there's the fact Eraqus decides to just forgive him for all he's done, as if he forgot that Xehanort's the reason why he's dead in the first place and almost ruined his pupils' lives, who he saw as his own kids. I get that they once saw each other as brothers but you'd think that relationship would've soured once Xehanort scarred him and dumped a nearly comatose Ven on him. I know Eraqus got a lot of shit from the fandom because of how he acted in BBS but he was at least sympathetic. While he was ultimately wrong in how he treated Terra and Ven, he only decided to kill Ven because he didn't want the X-blade to be forged and cause another Keyblade War and he admitted to Terra he regretted his actions towards him and Ven, all the while crying. THAT’S how you write a character who's majorly fucked up but regrets it and is sympathetic. Not whatever the fuck we were supposed to get from Xehanort. For the third time in this post, I'm not blaming Xehanort for the BS way he was written, I'm blaming Nomura, which is funny since he stated that Xehanort was his favorite character, leading me to think he'd actually try writing him decently.

With that out of the way, we can FINALLY get to the ending. As I said before, Sora decides to abuse the Power of Waking once more to bring Kairi back to life and, after successfully doing that, fades away as if he got hit with the Thanos snap. I'm surprisingly okay with this ending, if only because I know there's going to be more KH games coming out with the confirmation that Sora will still be the protagonist in those games. Normally, I'm against endings where the protagonist dies (unless under special circumstances and even those have to be pretty special) because I like to see stories where the protag, who's gone through a journey full of pain and emotions and any other number of issues, finally gets their happy ending. To me, who writes to escape from the dark and sometimes painful aspects of life, happy endings give characters who've fought so hard for them or characters who were previously unable to achieve them the rest and happiness they deserve (Like the Wayfinder and Clocktower Trios staying together after being reunited). It's hard for me to explain but this isn't the place to talk about that. As I was saying, I'm okay with Sora 'dying' because it showed the consequences of him abusing the Power of Waking too much. From my interpretation of it, the Power of Waking could be used to resurrect the dead, rewrite reality as we know it, etc., but its main purpose is to 'awaken sleeping hearts'. Riku used it properly in DDD to wake Sora up and Sora used it properly in this game to wake Ventus up. The PoW, to me, is the equivalent to playing God, which REALLY goes against my beliefs. I don't know whether it's due to my (loose) Christian faith, my beliefs towards death that I've formed over the years, or because I watched FMA, that mortals messing with things they shouldn't (I.E. Sora bringing the dead back to life) scares me. While the reasoning behind Sora abusing the PoW is understandable (and I'm giving him a pass on what I'm about to say next due to this), he's still a mortal playing God, which HAS to have consequences, no matter what. Just because I say this, however, doesn't mean people aren't allowed to say the ending sucked. Hell, even I think the ending kinda sucks, despite me being okay with it. The only way this ending couldn't have come about is if Sora didn't abuse the PoW and the only way Sora wouldn't have abused the PoW is if no one died and the only way no one could've died is if Nomura could've written something better. The best we can hope for with Sora is that he's given a happy ending down the line and NO ONE DIES OR TAKES HIS PLACE! NO MORE OF THIS BITTERSWEET NONSENSE, ALL RIGHT?!

So what do I think of the story overall? Well, it's... something. It's not the worst thing I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing but it's also not that good. The pacing seems to only have two settings; it's either too slow to the point of it being padded for extra time or too fast to really know what's going on in favor of getting to the next goalpost. I wouldn't be surprised if it's because of the pacing that I don't know where the halfway point of KH3 is. I thought it'd be like the first half being the Disney fanservice and the second half the actual plot but it's not like that here. The first half got WAY more time dedicated to it than the second half did and it REALLY shows with how sloppily written the plot towards the end was. The way I see it, Nomura had the major plotpoints planned and figured out but the details surrounding those plotpoints were left as an afterthought. He had goalposts set up but he got stuck figuring out how to get Sora and co. from point A to point B. I think if he had just finetuned those details or rewritten scenes to make more sense or even asked for help, the story could've been a lot better. Granted, there were probably a lot of factors at work during KH3's production so I won't place all of the blame on solely Nomura, especially with all the news articles lately about game studios overworking their employees to the point of exhaustion/illness/death/eventual breakdown of the company. While I mainly talked about the negatives concerning the story, there were also some positives about it. Sora was at his absolute adorableness in this game. Like, there were so many moments where I just died from how cute he was (which I noted many times in my Livetweet thread) that helped to highlight how Sora's still just a kid who unfortunately carries the fate of the world on his shoulders. The reunions of both the Wayfinder and Clocktower trios just killed me because they had suffered so much up to this point and to see them crying from happiness at being reunited with their friends again and staying together this time had me tearing up. Although she didn't appear much in KH3, Namine being able to exist outside of Kairi was also a sweet moment, especially with her being treated like a princess when she first wakes up and Riku taking her by the hand to the Destiny Islands like a prince. I don't care if it's considered ship tease, that shit was goddamn cute, all right? The scene of Aqua crying after she finally realizes she's in the RoL again hit me in the feels so much, especially after Sora told her she was home. Now thinking about it, I wonder if that's sort of a parallel to KH2's ending with Sora taking on the role of Kairi from that scene. The relationship between Kairi and Lea (What little we saw of it), the ending of everyone on the Destiny Islands, and the occasional Disney stuff I did enjoy were all good. It just sucks that there's so little of the stuff I mentioned featured that I wish more time was spent developing those.

So what is my overall opinion on KH3? It's not my favorite of the series, that honor still goes to both KH2 and BBS. Without running the risk of repeating myself, I won't go into detail about the gameplay or the story because you can just read all the points I've mentioned above. I still enjoyed KH3 but some of my expectations fell through and I felt a bit underwhelmed by everything. In some ways, the wait was worth it but I think I would've been fine with waiting more if it meant some aspects were developed more. In regards to this game being a good entryway for newcomers, I think it is, if only because you're provided with recaps of the previous games right at the main menu so that anyone who hasn't played at least one KH game won't be completely lost playing KH3. I feel like everything I've mentioned in this post may be discredited or even disregarded as an actual review of KH3 because I didn't play the game, I watched an LP of it, but keep in mind these are merely my observations and the conclusions I've reached using those observations. The experience may be completely different to those who actually played it but I won't know until this is posted so...

Where do we go from here? Well, we still have the DLC to look forward to but, as I stated earlier, we have no idea when those are coming out and it's the same with any upcoming games. I'm hoping the DLC will answer some questions while also giving some much-needed development to the characters who aren't Sora. The only thing left to say is, may the DLC guide our wandering hearts.

#kingdom hearts 3 #kingdom hearts 3 spoilers #kh3 #kh3 spoilers

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anemoianomaly · 5 years

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Tagged by @mariesmh! Thanks, hunny 💕 I've never done this before haha but I have so many music opinions so this is v perfecto

I'm tagging @firefox-official @idecentlydrawnkishiberohan @heyhauntsman @yofukit @im-big-dumb @troiloka @belaroseoli @syliic . Feel free to not do this or whateva

1: A song you like with a color in the title

Pink in the Night by (the one and only) mitski

2: A song you like with a number in the title

99 Luftballoons (I forgot the band name I'm sorry)

3: A song that reminds you of summertime

ohhh I have. So, so many. I listen to 80's Japanese city pop like a plant follows the sun...Remember Summer Days by ??? and Magic Ways by Tatsuro Yamashita are definitely some that give big summer energy

Also, Bullfighter Jacket by Miniature Tigers holds nostalgic summer vibes for me. Reminds me of when my sister and I would sing it on long car rides when I was 9

4: A song that reminds you of someone you'd like to regret

Oh boy...there was this girl I had a silly yet obsessive crush on who, with hindsight, was racist/colorist. She has said that she'd rather die than have dark skin (while next to my dark skinned friend 🙃), said that she thinks all the black people at are school are bad people, and has fetishized Asians. I am so sorry to say she was a BTS fan...it just makes it...so much worse. "Fake Love" hellllla reminds me of her and I hate it bc my sister listens to BTS spiritually...god what a ride

5: A song that needs to be played out loud

Take on Me by A-ha

It needs to be SCREAMED

6: A song that makes you want to dance

Rasputin by Boney M, Gimme Gimme Gimme by ABBA, Like a Record by Dead or Alive, DARE by Gorillaz and Swing by VST and Company make me freaking g r o o v e

7: A song that makes you happy

Doctor by Jack Stauber, Rebel Rebel by David Bowie, and Don't Stop Me Now by Queen are guaranteed dopamine machines

8: A song you never get tired of listening to

Dreams by Fleetwood Mac n cheese, Dress Down by Kaoru Akimoto, Killing Me Softly by the Fugees, I'd Like to Walk Around in your Mind Someday by Vashti Bunyan, and After the Storm by Kali Uchis are The Songs that I have listened to about 48 times in a row before and could listen to 100000 times more because their just so creative and wonderful and perfect and AaaAAAAH I love these songs

9: A song you'd love to be played at your wedding

Two Slow Dancers by mitski would be SO perfect

Lord, this question just reminded me of how my sister used to do photography at weddings and at every single one she went to, they'd always play that one Ed Sheeran song that's just like "baBY weE foun luve rite wheERE wE arre" ajajakamakcjdn gotdam... cishet white folks with names like Jevylynn and Aydynn really be like that, huh?

10: A song that's covered by another artist

Dear Prudence by Siouxsie and the Banshees is so lovely

11: A song you would sing as a duet in karaoke

SUMMER NIGHTS FROM THE MOVIE/PLAY GREASE

It's so fun to sing and mess up on

12: A song that makes you Think About Life

Some Things Just Stick In Your Mind by Vashti Bunyan and the entire Spirited Away soundtrack. Despite being beautiful and very positive songs, it always makes me feel...so much smaller than I am, so much more fragile, ungrateful for the life I take for granted, so...missing out on an adventure right in front of me ya know?

Another song that has a different feel to that which makes me v contemplative is Life on Mars by David Bowie. It's so melancholy and it's what it feels like at the edge of the night after several mental breakdowns, but still having the problem that the mental breakdowns caused and you can't do anything about it, which I sadly relate to

13: A song with a person's name in the title

Dirty Diana by Micheal Jackson

14: A song you think everyone should listen to

Innuendo by Queen

15: A song by a band you wish was still together

And She Was by Talking Heads

16: A song by an artist who is no longer living

I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston

17: A song that makes you want to fall in love

I Want to Dance with Somebody by Donna Summer and Somebody to Love by Queen

18: A song that breaks your heart

Purple Rain by Prince and Love of my Life by Queen

Not even just the lyrics, but the slow and powerful tone of these songs makes them so disheartening, like you just lost someone your whole life revolved around and your reminiscing the memories you had together and getting over how there will never be more no matter how much you want to see them smile again or how much you want them to make you smile again, although they hurt you

AAAAAAH my heart ouch ow oh agh my soul ugh

19: A song you remember from your childhood

Sweet Dreams (are made of this) by eurythmics

20: A song that reminds you of yourself

When I am depressi, I'm Washing machine heart by mitski, but when I'm feeling Gucci I'm Dancing Queen by abba

#tagged #this is long haha #rambles #me

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raaven-nerd · 5 years

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the epic mega tag of tags

I’ve been inactive for an eternity so I got tagged in a bunch of things by a WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE (THANK YOU ALL FOR TAGGING ME I LOVE YOU ALL <3)

So i decided to combine all these tags into ONE MEGA TAG!!! I’m sorry if I don’t have every single tag that people have tagged me in, because I was kinda... inactive lol

I honestly have no idea how many questions are in here, but I’m really excited to answer all these questions. Subtle hint for you guys to ask me questions lmao!! My ask box is always open ;)

//INTRO//

Time: 9:00AM (i’m on summer break, i’m not ditching school rn lol)

Name: Michelle

Nickname: Mich (pronounced mish,,) and Michy (fun fact: all my friends spell this differently but the correct spelling is michy!! At least that’s how i spell my nickname lmao)

Gender: Female

Nationality: Australian

Star Sign: Cancer

Height: like 157cm LMAO i’m really short

Hogwarts house: Ravenclaw (hence my branding lmao)

Languages Spoken: English, Cantonese (but badly), Japanese (but only because i learn it at school)

Dream job: GOOD QUESTION LMAO umm something medical?? But like if i was remotely talented, doing something creative would be really cool.

How many pets do you have: 1, I have a pet dog named Pepper

What am I wearing: A T-shirt from last year’s school musical that’s way too big for me and black shorts (and by that i don’t mean a T-shirt that was like part of my costume,, i mean like a merch kinda t-shirt?? but not really merch bc i was in the musical)

Instruments/sports played: I don’t play any instruments ,, well i play ukulele badly lmao, and i play soccer and volleyball for grade sport :)

//ABOUT THE BLOG//

When did you make this account? Like,, 2 years ago?? YIKES

Why did you join studyblr? Honestly i don’t remember why,, probably bc i wanted to get better at studying and get more motivated

How many followers do you have? Surprisingly around 4800

Why I chose my url: because i’m a nerd,, and my hogwarts house is ravenclaw

//BELOW THE CUT//

Things about my personal life :000 (get that juicy goss!! lol not really tho my life is pre uneventful)

Study tips and my study routine I guess? Just about how i study lol

Music/Book/Film/TV faves and other related thingos (aka how cultured am i?? again not really tho i’m just trying to make this sound interesting lmao)

And some more just RANDOM things lmao (like some of these things get really random lol)

//PERSONAL//

What are three basic facts about you? Okay so whenever a teacher asks me to introduce myself at the start of the school year, my default interesting fact is “I have a dog” and every single year the teachers are super amazed that i have a pet dog and it’s absolutely hilarious bc everyone else is like “I’m not sharing any personal information with you guys”, and the teacher ends up interrogating me about my pet dog.

That’s not a basic fact lol um.. My birthday is on the 15th of July, I’m the youngest of 3 siblings and I graduate in 2020 :))

What was the best part of your day today? Ngl this is actually a really hard question for me to answer because I am NOT in a good mental state right now… but probably watching Joe Sugg’s new vlog. That was a good way to spend a study break. OR REPLYING TO THAT ANON MESSAGE OMG everyone sending me messages saying that they’re glad to see me back just wow ;; i can’t believe people even noticed i was gone it’s just ahhughsgs thank you all so much <33

Relationship status: um… single… yeah let’s just leave it at that

who is the first person you go to in a crisis, when you’ve had a hard day, or when you need to vent? Well… my best friend would be the first person i go to.. Except we’re on holidays right now and they have the worst reply game (bc they’re kinda not allowed to talk to me,,, it’s complicated lmao)

what is your love language? (if you don’t know it, there are plenty of love language quizzes on Google! I definitely encourage you to look it up and find it out for your benefit!) :ooo I did a quiz for this ages ago BUT I GOTTA DO IT AGAIN bc i forgot LOL

OKAY i did it! I used 5lovelanguages.com so yeah.. Just in case anyone was wondering? But I guess my love language is quality time/words of affirmation and from highest to lowest it’s quality time (9), words of affirmation (8), physical touch (6), acts of service (4) and receiving gifts (3)

what are the little things in your life that make you happy? Lmao all my friends bc we’re all SHORT AF.. but seriously,, just really small things can make me so happy, just being able to spend time with my friends makes me really happy?? Like we can just sit in (comfortable) silence, but i’ll be so content to just be there with my friends.. Quality time with friends?? thanks love language Does that count idk how to answer this

What is your favourite thing about yourself? Um physical thing?? Probably my hair tbh.. But like my actual fav thing about myself is um the fact that i’m empathetic, generally pre organised and good w/ time management and i can like teach myself stuff?? or maybe how i could be having the worst day of my life and i’ll still want to spread positivity and good vibes?? Yeah that’s pre cool

what accomplishment in your life are you most proud of? Uhh i got dux of english a few years back? I was in the top 10 of 4 subjects last year so that’s pre cool? But tbh the accomplishment i’m most proud of is probably just going to the school I go rn.. OR surviving last year lol 2018 was a mess

What’s one piece of advice to yourself a year ago? GIRL things are gonna be tough. Like really hecking tough. But it’s not worth it to hold grudges, there’s no point letting fear of what could happen stop you from doing things you want to do and you will survive and you will be stronger because of it. Don’t let what other people say about you get you down, yes, it sucks to hear people speculating about you and your private life, but they have no idea what’s actually going on, and they’re just curious . No one has anything against you. You are loved, and you are worthy, and you are strong. You got this.

what is a skill you wish you had? To play guitar!! Or to be able to sing!!

Name three places you’d like to go to. Richard Rodgers Theatre to watch Hamilton, Music Box Theatre to watch Dear Evan Hansen and the Warner Bros Studio Tour in London. (but also, Japan, London and New York)

//STUDY & ACADEMICS//

What’s your degree/favourite subject? Uhhh it was drama but i dropped that and the 2019 school year hasn’t started yet so.. Who knows?

What motivates you to study? The fact that I gotta do well and get good marks in order to get into a good uni course… and the fact that i just want to keep getting better,, and i don’t want to disappoint people and i also don’t want to do badly bc yikes its real competitive at my school so like lowkey fear of failure

What time do you do your best studying? Tbh it really depends, it’s either the morning not long after i wake up (esp if it’s holidays or the weekend), right after i get home from school, or like late at night if i get a burst of motivation (like sometimes i’ll end up studying from 10:30 to 1am which isn’t sustainable if i have to get up at 7 for school)

Best self care tip for exam season? Don’t spend your time around people who get really stressed out. It only makes you more stressed, and you don’t need that extra worry. Positive vibes only. Stay chill!

Do you listen to music when you study? Yeah. I just listen to music with no lyrics and I’ll use @studyquill’s playlist :DD

Where do you do your best studying? I do pretty much all my studying at home so.. home?? but i have this spot at school that i like to go to in the mornings when no one’s at school yet because it’s super quiet and i can get some quality work done there

What’s your go to thing when studying? Write notes, do practise questions, draw summary mind maps and try to recite my notes from memory

//MUSIC//

put your music library on shuffle, list the first 15 songs

Oh boi this is going to be interesting

How Would You Feel - Ed Sheeran

Part of Me (Bonus Track) - Dear Evan Hansen

If I Could Fly - One Direction

Better Man - 5 Seconds of Summer

If I Could Tell Her - Dear Evan Hansen

Somebody to Love - Queen

Moving Along - 5 Seconds of Summer

Candy Store - Heathers the Musical

Cabinet Battle #2 - Hamilton

Guns for Hands - Twenty One Pilots

Sunrise - In The Heights

The Judge - Twenty One Pilots

Radio Ga Ga - Queen

Defying Gravity - Wicked

Shine a Light - Heathers the Musical

Song stuck in your head: for some reason Acid Rain by Cimorelli just randomly came into my head when I woke up this morning?? so that i guess lol

Last song you played: Alaska by Maggie Rogers

What are you listening to right now? well right now it’s Shine a Light lmao

what are your 5 favourite songs right now? THIS IS HARD OMG okay um Photograph by Ed Sheeran, Shout Out To My Ex by Little Mix, Fire Away by Niall Horan, Walking in the Wind by One Direction and I discovered Light On by Maggie Rogers today so that too!!

What’s your favourite lyric right now? Darling you don't have to hold it/You don't have to be afraid/You can go 'head and unload it/'Cause you know it'll be okay

Fave artist? GOOD QUESTION.. I don’t have an answer lmao but I like 5SOS, Ariana Grande’s new songs, Ed Sheeran and the soundtracks to quite a few musicals but that doesn’t answer the question lol

//FILM, BOOKS & TV//

Last movie you saw: I rewatched Crazy Rich Asians :))

Top three TV shows: lol i don’t watch TV but all times favs include Gravity Falls and The Simpsons annnnndd um… yeah I really don’t watch much TV lol

What are your favourite books? All time fav is Harry Potter, but rn my fav is probably 13 Reasons Why (i know it’s also a TV show so i might check it out!!)

Which ones are you currently reading or want to read? Right now, I’m reading Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver. I’m only a few pages in though.

What’s the most recent book you’ve read? Finding Audrey by Sophie Kinsella

//MISCELLANEOUS//

Describe your favourite colour without saying the name! Soft colour of love

What’s your favourite season? Probably autumn

Favourite animal? My pet dog lmao (i really like dogs but i love so many animals but we’ll just say dogs)

Last thing you googled: ‘fire away lyrics niall horan’ because i wanted to check i had the right words lol

How many blankets you sleep with: 1

If you could be a celebrity, who would you be? Probs Emma Watson or Ariana Grande

What is the last text you sent? Ummm i’ll check AND i quote “I AM,,, somewhat certain that’s correct bc like.. I don’t have any confidence in myself” I was talking to my friend about an assignment lol

Average hours spent sleeping? 7-8 ish??? But during the school term, it could be more like 6-7 but still ain’t that bad???

WOW THAT WAS LONG if u actually stayed throughout all of this and read it all,, (which no one probably did) umm dm me your fav lyrics of the moment? yeah do that lol i wanna meet some new people

#about me #tag games #mine

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tellywoodtrash · 6 years

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ishqbaaz 12.07.18 lb

hahahahaha guess i’m back on my bullshit again lord jesus why do i have as much backbone as a chocolate eclair.

couldn’t this bf of anika’s dress up a lil when coming for rishta pakka karofying? she’s sitting there dressed like a goddess and he’s like in his nonsense bread-anda khareedne waala outfit. PUT SOME EFFORT DUDE. AT LEAST MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU DESERVE THE GIRL?

speaking of someone who’s putting in a lotta undue effort....

lmao yeah PRINKU’s shaadi is definitely NOT the one he’s upset about rn.

HI MUNCHKIN. U SO PRETTY. *kisses screen*

ouff shivaay, acknowledge the presence of the superior baby sister in your life henceforth! THIS IS THE BABY SISTER JACKPOT!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah this universe ka shivaay is def more tameezdaar than the hellion of the previous timeline.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THIS DUDE’S FACE AT BEING THE RECIPIENT OF SHIVAAY’S 0.3 SECOND STINK EYE.

yeahhhhhhhh nikhil’s lucky he’s not a pile of dust on the ground, the way this one is looking at him...

oh daaaaaaang, he’s taking the roke ka chunari as a sign and shizzzz?

i don’t blame him. gosh look at her, she looks like a dreaaaaaam.

OK THIS SOUNDTRACK IS THE WORST THE ABSOLUTE WORST. IT MAKES ME WANT TO POKE MY EYE OUT WITH A RUSTY FORK.

could you fuckers either put the laddoo down or eat it??? or pass it on here to someone who can really use a sweet treat rn (me.)

........ you guys i’m not USED to shivaay being this mellow and polite and .... acting like a CIVILIZED human being. it’s hella weird.

“mr. oberoi... please yeh shaadi tod deejiye.”

LOL SHE’S TALKING ABOUT PRINKU’S WEDDING BOO. DON’T GET IT TWISTED.

ohohohoho pattttttt jawaaab ki WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOUR MAN IS SO “RIGHT”. THERE’S ONLY ONE MAN WHO’S “RIGHT” HERE AND IT’S ME I’M YOUR MR. RIGHT MARRY ME AND TEACH ME HOW TO LOVE AGAIN YOU BEAUTIFUL CREATURE FROM THE HEAVENS ABOVEEEEEE

like, i appreciate his angst and puppy eyes and shit, but the thing is it’s waaaaaaay too premature and unfounded for him to be questioning her marriage to someone else. he doesn’t know her, like.... AT ALL. (compared to his reaction when she’d said yes to daksh in the Original Universe, where he’d known her for months and months, and who she really IS as a person.)

“mr. oberoi...” “Shivaay. mera naam Shivaay hai. naam se toh bula sakti ho na.”

daaaaaaaaang the puppy eyes and familiarity and the longing for her to treat him as an equal.

not one moment does he take his eyes off her. even when nikhil is talking to him, or when he’s acknowledging him. FULL ON EYE-SEXING ANOTHER MAN’S GIRL RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. NOW THAT’S WHAT YOU CALL BDE.

(god i hate myself for the sentence i just wrote.)

lol man he hates nikhil’s guts sooooooooooo much.

yeah new prinku is just as underwhelming as the old one. i literally do not care about you, girl. hatttttttt.

lel thanks for rubbing it in, prinku.

lol he’s also such a dheeent. majaaal hai jo ainvayi ke liye bhi congrats bol de.

my god he really cannot stop with the eye-sex.

lol he hates prinku getting friendly with her but also wants her to treat him as equals and oh shivaay what are we going to do with youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

ohohohoho shitia engagement also today.

yeah literally no one cares about your approval for nikhil’s name, prinku. please go be irrelevant somewhere else.

yeah i really don’t like this not-tuned-into-the-obro-channel waala shivaay. it was the single redeeming factor of his character, how much he was into his brothers.

i am omRu. so confused and blah-ed out by this weird shivaay.

LMAO HIS “GOD HELP ME SHE’S STILL ON THIS BS” FACE

oh ho new funky transition graphics. fucking y tho.

pffffffffffft nice attempt to divert her attention.

.... is anika a better cook in this universe or are we in for a 100 kg of uneatable laddoos???

OH SNAP. MOOHTOD JAWAAB. YAAAS QUEEN!!!!!!!

“oh fuck y am i so turned on by that??????”

this is literally the dumbest shit everrrrrrrrrr, anika. just call like 10 diff. halwaais and ask for 10 kg each? godddddd, why are you so dumbbbbbbbbb in addition to being so khuddaar?????

looks like Original Universe Gauri ke “internet chachi” ways are Anika’s here.

still confusedly turned on by this display of dheentai.

um those laddoos look hella uneven. but whatever, you go girl.

dadi is gonna be like THE HELL BILLU???????? WTF AM I TO DO WITH THESE 100 KG OF NO-NAME AMATEUR LADDOOS???? when she sees them and then he’s in for it. both from dadi and anika.

love me my little angry chirraiyya! GIVE HER MORE TO DO TF. AINVAYI IS GHAR MEIN IS CHAACHI KE SAATH DAALA HUA HAI.

YAS GAURI TELL HER THAT SHE DOESN’T NEED TO DO THIS BS.

wtf is this chachi just waltzing in, yelling.

@ ME FOR REACHING BUT SHIVAAY’S EYES DEFINITELY SOFTENED AT GAURI. #SHIVRI4EVERRRRRRRRRRRRR

also his brief anger flare-up seeing the way chachi talks to anika. beta you gotta learn to conceal your feel more.

bro howwwwwww the fuck did she even make.... you know what... never mind.

aaaaand he’s mad at himself again. for hurting her. AGAIN.

TOH NAA KIYA KAR NA, AISA HARAAMIPANN. THAT’S HOW THE REST OF US GO ABOUT LIFE NOT CONSTANTLY FEELING GUILTY.

i hate this chachi, but then i remember the absolute trashfire of a person that sundari bua was and this one is infiiiiiiiiiiiinitely better.

“uske liye bas yehi important hai ki mere haath mein uski ring ho.”

BILLU’S EARS HAVE PERKED UP. AND HE’S MENTALLY ALREADY MADE UP HIS MIND THAT THE ONLY RING THAT’S GOING ON THAT PYAARA SUJA HUA HAATH IS HIS, SO HELP HIM GOD.

oh shit i didn’t think he’d stop her right NOW to do it!!!!!!

fuck how to say no to THESE PUPPY EYES.

BILLU KI SAGAIIIIIIIIIIII HOGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. BILLU RING PEHNAAYEGA. BILLU LADKI LE JAYEGAAAAAAAA. BILLU BILLU BILLLU!!!!!

ouff, i really don’t care about these two losers in this fucking universe either. GIVE ME RIKARA YOU FUCKING IDIOTS.

.... is universe mein bhavya traffic police hai kya?

he was talking on the handsfree tho? uske liye kaise chalaan katega?

so bhavya is a ainvaayi ka shady cop with no scruples in this universe? cool. cool cool cool.

i kinda like that rudra is a little more assertive and not such a damn dumbass tho?

THIS FUCKING CHACHI. ISKI TOH MAIN....

thank goddddddd gauri is still a badass in this universe. can i have more of her plz? kicking ass and taking names? hopefully tag-teaming with di to beat the fuck outta daksh? or even future jiju coz he’s surely going to do something to really deserve it in about.... 2 weeks.

OH SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT HAND ALREADY HAS A RINGGGGGGGG. BILLU’S ALREADY BEEN HERE AND STAKED HIS CLAIM.

#ishqbaaz #ishqbaaaz #ib episode liveblogs #episode liveblogs #ib 120718 lb

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thursdaybennet · 3 years

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Hello. My name is Thursday Bennet, and after many years of thinking about it, wishing I had a good enough idea, and wistfully watching from the sidelines, I just signed up for National Novel Writing Month (or its more clunky abbreviation, NaNoWriMo). Got some mood music going (Sabrina the movie soundtrack by the great John Williams, yes just the one song on repeat, why is that weird?) and I have some ideas I’m excited to play around with that came to me during a recent hospital stay. I’ve heard from various sources my whole life that creative types that struggle with mental health issues have a near magical ability to turn pain into art, even specifically that people with bipolar disorder (looking at you Vincent) have this amazing capability for creativity that they tap into. Never understood it myself, because whenever I was my most creative I was also usually manic with a nice dash of psychosis spread all over like dark chocolate sprinkles.

Psychosis is the ugly cousin down in the basement no one likes to talk about when it comes to discussing mental health issues, at least I know it’s not one I’m dying to discuss. Depression and Anxiety? Come right this way, we have a VIP table waiting for you with your millions of sufferers, and feel free to talk about it openly for the most part now because it has (thankfully) become a lot more acceptable to struggle with either or both. Though the second someone suffering with either of these does something even remotely unseemly, be prepared for the backlash and dismissive attitude that follows. “Well what can you expect, she has mental health issues” they whisper to each other. Or even worse in my opinion, it has gotten to the point where certain personality types use a diagnosis as a crutch, a shield to ward off personal responsibility for themselves and their behavior. “You expect me to get a job and contribute to the household Mom? How dare you, I have mental health issues that I wont discuss with anyone or seek treatment for, but will absolutely use to get out of doing my fair share.” Neither of these scenarios are good, and unfortunately the stereotypes surrounding them harm the ones who really are struggling the most. But as far as stigma goes I feel like we have come such a long way. With people I am getting to know and testing the waters with so to speak, I will absolutely say I have depression and anxiety (which is technically correct) rather than be fully open and say that I have bipolar disorder. Call me a coward if you like, you would also be technically correct.

Segueing back to the ugly cousin down in the basement though, Psychosis. That’s a frightening word no one wants to talk about. At least I know I don’t. To discuss it means admitting that I have at times touch with reality, and it feels like something to be ashamed of. I have during the course of one manic episode and subsequent hospitalization regressed to a childlike mentality and legitimately thought I was Alice lost in Wonderland. I had a nasty temper and threw tantrums when I didn’t get my way (tried to take the entire box of crayons back to my room when they were meant to be shared amongst the other patients) that rivaled the Red Queen herself. When I calmed down and was more myself I was mortified! I would never act like even when I was a child, I’ve always been told tantrums were rare when I was young.

More recently my episode and hospitalization took a darker turn, but also an extremely interesting one. I definitely did not regress, I was 100% a grown woman, but that brought other baggage. I thought that I was Katniss Everdeen, Juliette Ferrars, and Queen Elizabeth I all rolled into one. I thought I was, not exactly Mother Earth, but definitely one of her goddesses walking the earth and appreciating the beauty in life. I saw the geometry and the numbers in creation, the angles and brushstrokes of even just weeds and dandelions. Instead of just ugly browns I saw shades of plum and mauve in the dried up leaves on the ground. I tried to embrace the chaos that is life by rolling random objects in my hands, throwing them like they were dice and then looking for patterns and shapes. Basically....I turned in Tia Dalma from Pirates of the Caribbean but with much better teeth and without the sweet accent.

I’ll admit at this point that I have forgotten what my point to all that was, other than to get it off my chest. It feels good, even though in doing so I feel the uncomfortable tingle of being overly exposed trickling down my spine and the cold shoulder of stigma breathing down my neck. I’m only 32 years old, and my current living situation is one that by most standards would seem fairly unencumbered. I have so much I want to do, and you would think that as a married, childless, currently unemployed woman I should be able to achieve them right? Yet I often feel unfairly weighed down both by the challenges my disorder brings just trying to go about my day, and the often heavier weight of the stigma of the diagnosis itself.

I guess to return to what I said about NaNoWriMo, I’m trying to take some agency back for myself. Yeah I recently had an episode, the first in a fairly stable three years. Yes, along with the mania I also experienced psychosis, meaning I lost pieces of who I was and what was real, but that doesn’t have to define me forever as its already run its course and I’m back in good ol’ reality. And yes, I absolutely can take some power back by turning what I experienced into something beautiful, rather than something ugly and shameful. So stay tuned for snippets of stories and little nuggets of ideas, as I try to bring some order to the chaos once again. I’m not sure yet if I’ll be writing a novel based on my experiences or a completely fictional story plucked from one of many that I found myself experiencing on some level during my brief hospitalization. But either way, its about to get weird so grab some popcorn and buckle in, my little coffee cakes. I’ll try not to shock your delicious crumble topping right off your heads.

By the way, in case you hadn’t read between the lines, this is my first time posting about my disorder. And while it feels as thrilling as it is somewhat dangerous, I don’t want it to define me. I just want to stop pretending to be normal every day, because it is unbelievably exhausting. I would rather just be myself, Thursday, someone who likes to write, loves her family and her dog, and when she’s not chilling playing her favorite video games, likes to create art. That’s me, and that’s what you’ll get if you stick around.

We-ell....the Sabrina theme doesn’t pop up for me when I search for it so enjoy some Lindsey Stirling I accidentally added, the pathos of which really doesn’t match the tone of my post lol. (Unless you listen to it while reading about my hospital stays, in which case it is almost too on the nose.)

Here you go, this should go down a little easier and goes with what I hope was an overall optimistic and hopeful journal entry. Enjoy.

#bipolar disorder #mentalheathawareness #writing #nanowrimo #newbeginnings #whatsnormal #bipolaire #Spotify

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peach1337xo · 4 years

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911.

I’ll admit I was really worried about Lady Gaga’s song 911. “Pop a 911, and pop another one”

It’s anti-psychotic medication, not Pringles. Once you pop, you’re definitely supposed to stop. Let it do it’s thing.

My main concern was that her 911 might be a common but commonly-abused anxiety med like a Valium or a Xanax, which are so trendy right now in the world of pop. Pop one, pop another one, and another and another...and find yourself just recreationally popping a Xanny at the mildest inconvenience instead of tackling the actual root of the problem.

But then I learned that Gaga’s 911 was an old friend-slash-adversary I’ve had in my own life; olanzapine, aka Zyprexa. I spent about two years on olanzapine and I’m really not sure why.

It started around about January 2007 when I lost my job, got very into smoking pot, and reading Perez Hilton. This was the exact same time as Britney was going through her very-publicised stuff. Our meltdowns were mirrored.

But anyway, I was depressed and not coping with the real world very well at all (something I’d learn much later was probably my undiagnosed autism) while also on the end of a couple of years’ caning at the clubs and taking E (and other stuff) most weekends (I didn’t understand the concept of giving it a rest). I started my first anti-depressant shortly beforehand and had a rotten time of it, and also started with a psychologist (also, a rotten time. Too much “you’re an awful child for taking drugs” and not enough “let’s look at why you feel the need to peace out on reality every weekend”.)

Eventually I end up living back at Mum and Dad’s, constantly chastised for anything and everything to do with the clubs and forcibly removed from my entire social support network. (This one hurt a lot, especially as someone with such tremendous difficulty building and maintaining friendships.) And somehow, I didn’t manage to be getting any healthier! I actually seemed to be getting worse! I would buy six tins of energy drink (who remembers Samedi?) and have little, legal benders alone. (I’d drink a lot in private too. A LOT.)

And then, the worst bit, I would eventually scrub myself “clean” of club life and banish dance music, fluoro clothing, and everything remotely ravey to the depths of my soul and re-emerge a Chuck Taylor wearing indie rock queen backed by a soundtrack of whiney guitar rock and Triple J. (The one highlight of this era was the band Klaxons, who managed to blend the two and provide an “acceptable” guitar based lifeline to the rave.)

I’m getting off track here. What I really want to say here, is in this bleak period of total self loss I engaged the services of a dreadful GP with no business treating the mental health of a young woman in the mid 2000s. He had absolutely no clue what I was experiencing, and one time (probably in 2007, 13 years ago) I said “hey maybe I’m autistic or on the spectrum or something, and that’s why I can’t operate in a typical way in the real world” and I was laughed at and told not to bring it up again. And then for about two years he flitted between garden variety “anxiety and depression”, Bipolar 1, Bipolar 2 and eventually ended up with the grand daddy of bad diagnoses; Borderline Personality Disorder. And given Zyprexa to take daily.

I did end up in the hospital a lot, but that was out of total pure desperation. I was numb and lifeless, but fed up. I’d scratch myself up with a razor superficially just to get dramatic enough for an admission, but not enough for it to actually hurt. (My real self-harm, I recognise now, was my drinking and the head-hitting.) No one’s listening, and nothing is improving...and the only way to get anyone to spend more than five minutes with my case was an admission.

I felt like in this era, leading all the way up to 2013 when I had the mother of all breakdowns/breakthroughs I was rewarded for being a good little girl and basically being the antithesis of myself. Mum once said “I feel like I have my girl back again” and I was very, very not myself. I was a fantasy pastiche of every behaviour that I’d know I’d get brownie points for, and yet I’d look in the mirror and see someone totally unrecogniseable. My only safe place to think and behave as myself was late at night in front of a computer connected to weirdos around the globe while the real world outside was shrouded in peaceful darkness. Inside my headphones I was able to sneak back into my electronic power-world of dance music. Eventually I totally lost the plot, feeling totally shackled by trying to be this *thing* I’d invented to make everyone around me happy.

I started waking up from this fake iteration of myself in about late 2014 when I started dating this very pretty guitar rock waif type, who I realised after about thirty seconds I absolutely hated. He was all whiskey and Nashville, sadness as art and drowning in an unpayable bar tab. Absolute wanker. I’d come home from visiting and just want to listen to the hardest, most abrasive electronic music I could muster. Sawtooth and square waves for me please! Nothing natural. I made a folder of music called ELECTROFUCK which I’d retreat into. A classic move of mine has always been to do the opposite of the thing I’m supposed to be doing, and then do it at absolute full tilt. It took me a while to find myself not disgusted by finding a middle point and just go in a vague opposite direction. HARDCORE ‘TIL I DIE, she said in 2005. She really meant it. Well anyway, ELECTROFUCK was the turning point where I started to say to myself that electronic music is not the devil, raves were not a waste of time and were SO much more than just mindless hedonistic drug benders (and even if they were, fuck it?), and that I owed it to myself to enjoy whatever I find enjoyable and not just do what is palatable to everyone else. I had drunk the Kool-Aid and in the process lost myself completely, and was now starting to find myself again. (Thanks, skinny man from the Valley. Your mediocre “anyway, here’s Wonderwall”-ness reawakened me. Go eat a sandwich.)

It’s now 2020 and I am rebuilding myself after the total and utter molecular disintegration of my being, kicked off by two years of Dr, K’s daily 911 calls.

I’ll say something about my own experience with Zyprexa and what I’d do differently with what I know now.

THIS LINE IS FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY.

...and the truth is, there were probably no emergencies. I was never manic or in proper danger. I was an undiagnosed autistic person struggling with total lack of social support, an unsupportive family environment (a plate and a roof does not a supportive family make), and absolutely no assistance from anyone anywhere in making my way out. I was desperate, not dangerous. This is why I drank myself stupid for such a long time. The overarching message was “no one cares”. (It still is, but I’m angry enough now to let that fire me up.) Ummm, tl;dr? Don’t let yourself be overmedicated and moulded into something you’re not, but be grateful there’s always three numbers you can dial when things are really, truly, overwhelmingly out of control.

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overlordofthelollipopguild · 7 years

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OUAT Musical Song Spoilers

So now that I’ve heard all the songs, time for my opinion.

MAJOR SPOILERS for those that haven’t listened to the soundtrack or are avoiding all spoilers. Will be tagging properly under ouat spoilers so blacklist or scroll on past.

Again MAJOR SPOILERS. DON’T WANT, SCROLL ON PAST.

Let’s start with “Powerful Magic”. A little rough with Ginny in the beginning but it makes sense in context since she’s discovering that she’s compelled to sing but as the song continued she had an absolutely wonderful voice. Josh, well, you can feel his and Charming’s excited at fulfilling their destiny as a true Disney Prince. I mean damn. He’s a freaking Disney Prince with a freaking Disney Prince voice. Bless him. That “goooooood” omg. All in all I love the Snowing duet and wish we had more of them.

Lana’s songs.....

Moving on.....

Actually, it’s really hard to enjoy Gosh singing “Charmings vs Evil Queen” because of how...drastic the difference is in tone and singing quality. So I definitely wish we just had another Snowing number instead.

"Revenge Is Gonna Be Mine” is still the catchiest and omg I love Colin’s voice; it’s amazing, he’s amazing. I still can’t get over the Freddie Mercury/Queen meets Disney vibe, and I like how the soundtrack makes the speaking parts slightly more musical, because watching the clip from the show and having Snow interrupt kind of annoyed me. I was just like “Snow! Let the man sing! It’s his destiny!” SO definitely wished we had more of Colin singing in the musical.

Bex sang very beautifully in “Wicked Always Wins” but the lyrics were meh. Also, I really don’t understand why a character who’s barely been around this season gets a song in one of the shows most promoted/important episodes ever. Instead, this is where we need Emma/Hook/Snowing/CS singing. I do however love Bex and Zelena, so I’m not hating here, just confused as to her part.

“Emma’s theme”. EMMA’S THEME. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY FEELS. I mean Jen has an absolutely mind blowing voice. I mean that shit was fantastic. Blew me away. Not only that, most of the songs here are all in good fun, but THIS ONE is emotionally evocative. It’s so important. I 100% believe that the Dark Fairy has come to interrupt post-nuptials, possibly right before they have their honeymoon (I seriously hope it’s not right after the ceremony cause that would suck) and I feel that Emma is singing this at the Dark Fairy because a) it’s aggressive in some parts like she speaking to someone she doesn’t like, b) it mentions “your wicked ways” “more powerful than you” etc., and c) she’s REAFFIRMING THAT SHE IS THE SAVIOR! HER! EMMA SWAN IS THE SAVIOR!

So I believe that that songs is absolutely amazing and that CS will be separated yet again #writers please stop separating CS 2k17

Now, let me tell you about “A Happy Beginning”. First off, JEN AND COLIN SOUND AMAZING TOGETHER WHY DID WE NOT GET MORE DUETS FOR THEM SINCE IT’S THE FREAKING CS WEDDING EPISODE (jk, we all know why #woegina). But I absolutely adore the idea of CS have the Happy Beginning mentality instead of the Happy Ending one that’s been a huge part of the show, because this is a very big beginning for them. At first, I didn’t like that everyone joined in, but the more i listen to it, the more I appreciate Snowing’s part in it. The “na na na na na nas” still get very annoying though and I really wish it had more CS focus.

All in all, I really wished we had more CS and Snowing duets or individual songs.

Voice rankings: Jen is definitely top, Colin I mean wow, Josh is a freaking Disney Prince, Ginny is fantastic, and Bex is beautiful.

#ouat spoilers #ouat musical #cs wedding #captain swan #ouat cast #jennifer morrison #colin o'donoghue #ginnifer goodwin #josh dallas #bex mader #anti-regina mills #anti-lana parrilla

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coquuin · 5 years

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really LONG CHARACTER SURVEY. RULES. repost , don’t reblog ! good luck !

TAGGED. i stole it from Kiki!! TAGGING. whoever wants to do it!!

BASICS.

FULL NAME: Ezekiel Axel Ruiz Rosario

NICKNAME: Zeke

AGE: (Verse dependent) anywhere from 19 to 25! most often tho, i usually make him 25.

BIRTHDAY: November 15 (self given bc he doesnt know his real birthday)

ETHNIC GROUP: Puerto Rican / Latino

NATIONALITY: British-American

LANGUAGE(S): English, Spanish, Dutch, Japanese, Latin, Romanian, some Russian, and some Chinese! he likes to study languages a lot....

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Demi-Pansexual

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Demi-Panromantic

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Hes multiship boiiii

CLASS: Upper class, though he really doesnt have very expensive tastes or anything. Seems like he’d be lower class, but. yknow, he is a celebrity so.

HOMETOWN / AREA: London, England

CURRENT HOME: A very small and shitty apartment. Yeah, he could get a much better home bc he does have the money, but... hes weird and likes a more slightly cramped space. dont question Ezekiel, he has weird preferences.

PROFESSION: Guitarist of the rock band Rogue! also used to work at a music shop when he was like 17, but that was back in London.

PHYSICAL.

HAIR: Very curly and messy black hair! He hardly bothers to take care of it. its prolly greasy bc hes a fucking gremlin pls make him take a shower. stinky boye

EYES: BIG OL FUCKIN EYES. they’re brown! a little sunken, and has massive bags under them--rather than the bags being from lack of sleep, though, theyre actually a result of too much sleep! Ezekiel can and WILL fall asleep wherever and whenever he wants. you cant stop him. his eyes are pretty big actually, and very expressive!

NOSE: the bitch looks like its been broken like ten times. he got a weird ass nose. its a little big, but not terribly so!

FACE: scrawny as FUCK. motherfucker’s head shape looks like a fuckin crescent moon. you know that one tiktok meme with the girl who has the weird ass moon lookin head? bitch looks like that a little bit. croissant lookin ass head.

LIPS: very thin! pls get him some chapstick

COMPLEXION: bitch looks like he hasnt gone out in the sun in over 20 years! which, actually, isnt entirely wrong bc he pretty much hasn’t. pale as fuck! his skin looks gray, like a fucking corpse. he looks like a zombie, but i swear to god hes a plain ass human i think

BLEMISHES: a lot! mostly on his body tho, especially on his back.

SCARS: A L O T!!! his back is literally covered in a shit ton of scars in the shape of upside down crosses, and he has a lot on the rest of his body as well, and several on his left wrist. yeah he, uh... he aint okay

TATTOOS: None! hes way too terrified to get one and hates the idea of one being stuck on his body for like the rest of his life rip

HEIGHT: 6′ 3″ / 190.05cm

WEIGHT: about like... 98lbs?? which is. fUCKING TERRIBLE FOR HOW TALL HE IS!!! LIKE HOLY SHIT EZEKIEL ARE YOU GOOD??? HOW ARE YOU ALIVE?!?!?! EZEKIEL?!?!?!?! FUCKING EAT SOMETHING PL EASE

BUILD: SCRAWNY AS SHIT. HE IS SO SKINNY HOLY SHIT. OH MY GOD GET THIS BOY A FUCKING BURGER OR SOMETHING BEFORE HE DIES JESUS CHRIST!!!!

ALLERGIES: Dandelions! He’ll just sneeze a lot around them

USUAL HAIRSTYLE: The bangs are kiiiinda kept to the side sorta just so its not falling in his eyes, but other than that, he doesnt really bother to like, style it or anything. its just curly and messy. although! when he was a child all the way to his teens, he did have a stupid ass bowlcut! but that wasnt his own choice, so he cant really be blamed for it :(

USUAL FACE LOOK: motherfucker has the WORST case of resting bitch face you will ever fucking see. even when hes happy he still looks angery sometimes!!! but thats literally just his fucking face!!!!

USUAL CLOTHING: a looot of slightly baggy clothing. lots of hoodies! especially wears a lot of black and red, mostly black. also wears mostly boots or sneakers, usually the ladder. he just doesnt really give two shits about fashion, as he’s more concerned with just sorta.. hiding his body. hes very insecure! save him

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR(S): "the devil”, getting close to anyone, performing in front of people, people in general, cats, knives & other sharp objects, the sight of his own blood

ASPIRATION(S): "to escape the Devil’s wrath,” as he phrases it. of course, the whole ‘THE DEVIL IS OUT TO KILL EVERYONE I LOVE AND THEN HE’LL KILL ME NEXT’ thing is obviously just in Ezekiel’s head, but it feels very real to him! he basically just wants to be free of the “demons” in his head. aside from that, he also really really reeaaally wants to own an orphanage someday! basically take in orphan kids and help give them a much better life than he had. but as for right now, he fully realizes he’s not ready for that at all, so he’s currently more focused on his music career and getting better mentally, though the ladder is a slow process.

POSITIVE TRAITS: Patient, simple, humble

NEGATIVE TRAITS: Rude, temperamental, paranoid

ZODIAC: Scorpio!

TEMPERAMENT: uhhhh fuck idk i just took a quiz for this and ezekiel got like a tie between phlegmatic and melancholic--but if i had to guess, i’d say melancholic!

SOUL TYPE(S): Spiritualist!

ANIMALS: i always associate Ezekiel with dogs bc. he literally just acts like a fuckin angery dog. and an angery snake or something. bUT MOSTLY DOGS. he will literally bark at people, because he’s a fucking weirdo who doesnt know how to behave like a normal fucking human being

VICE HABIT(S): uhhh drugs and alcohol are a big thing he does!! and generally pushing everyone away so he doesnt get close to anyone! and also acting like a gotdam ANIMAL. SOMEONE PLS MAKE EZEKIEL STOP FUCKING BARKING AND HISSING AT PEOPLE!!!

FAITH: Christian! his religion is very important to him too!

GHOSTS?: Yes!

AFTERLIFE?: Yes!

REINCARNATION?: He isn’t really sure about reincarnation, but wants to believe it exists.

ALIENS?: Yes.

POLITICAL ALIGNMENT: fuck if he knows. ezekiel could not give less of a shit about politics and hardly knows anything about it bc he really doesnt keep up with anything.

SOCIO POLITICAL POSITION: he doesnt give a fuck

EDUCATION LEVEL: None. he never even went to school, fun fact!

FAMILY.

FATHER: Dead!

MOTHER: Dead!

SIBLINGS: None!

EXTENDED FAMILY: None!

NAME MEANING(S): Ezekiel means “God will strengthen”! I have no idea what Rosario means sadly bc i cant find anything good on it on google :(

HISTORICAL CONNECTION?: None that he knows of.

FAVORITES.

BOOK: He couldn’t possibly pick a single favorite book--he loves a lot! but he loves mostly romance genres! which is so fucking ironic considering he’s fucking terrified of getting into relationships. and even more ironically? he doesnt read any horror genres bc it scares him too much!

MOVIE: he doesn’t know.

5 SONGS: While My Guitar Gently Weeps - the Beatles; Brick in the Wall - Pink Floyd; Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin; Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen; Don’t Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult.

DEITY: God, Jesus

HOLIDAY: Christmas! everyone expects Ezekiel to be like the grinch or something and hate Christmas, but nope! He surprisingly loves it!

MONTH: March

SEASON: Fall

PLACE: His bed

WEATHER: Preferably a little cold, but not too much, bc he just cant stand being hot--and completely dark outside!

SOUND: Gentle guitar strums.

SCENT(S): Ivory

TASTE(S): Anything thats like. Meat. hes very picky tho

FEEL(S): Skin. As in, like, being affectionate with someone else! He’s just very touch starved rip

ANIMAL(S): Yknow, oddly enough, despite acting like a fuckin wild animal a lot, he doesnt like animals much. but definitely dogs are his favorite!

NUMBER: 20

COLORS: Red and black--though he likes blue as well, especially dark blue.

EXTRA.

TALENTS: Music--especially with guitar! And painting, writing, literature.

BAD AT: Anything to do with math or science and stuff like that; anything that requires physical work. hes p much bad at like.. most things tbh.

TURN ONS: Just like.. be soft and gentle with him... also probably has a lowkey praise kink--if you could call it much of a kink i guess? hes pretty vanilla tbh. hes just soft.....

TURN OFFS: If you go rough on him at all he WILL cry. Also anything that, like, restricts him like ropes or some shit will literally make him panic so fucking bad. basically hes just vanilla as fuck, just be gentle with him pls

HOBBIES: Writing / playing music, writing in general, painting, watching random ass movies on TV until he falls asleep, sleeping, avoiding his problems like the fuckin wind

TROPES: man fuck if i know

AESTHETIC TAGS: literally all of Aurelio Voltaire’s songs; shit you’d see in Halloween (which is funny bc Ezekiel fucking hates Halloween); vampires; satanic symbolism. which is all ironic, bc Ezekiel doesnt actually like spooky shit! but it all sure does give big Ezekiel vibes anyway

GPOY QUOTES: huh

FC INFO.

MAIN FC(S): Jack the ripper from, well, Oyasumi Jack the Ripper!

ALT FC(S): None!

OLDER FC(S): None!

YOUNGER FC(S): None rip

VOICE CLAIM(S): Murdoc Niccals from Gorillaz

GENDERBENT FC(S): iiiiii dont really do genderbends pretty much so none

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1: IF YOU COULD WRITE YOUR CHARACTER YOUR WAY IN THEIR OWN MOVIE, WHAT WOULD IT BE CALLED, WHAT STYLE WOULD IT BE FILMED IN, AND WHAT WOULD IT BE ABOUT?:

Honestly probably something like the movie Sybil??? like basically just delving deep into his whole psychology and mindset and whatnot and why he acts the way he acts. those are always like my FAVORITE type of movies, and Ezekiel would honestly be fucking perfect for something like that bc literally every single aspect of his entire personality has been molded in some way shape or form by some event in his life, especially to do with the cult he was raised in, and it hONESTLY IS SO INTERESTING TO JUST LIKE.. STUDY WHAT EZEKIELS BRAIN IS LIKE BASICALLY. AT LEAST FOR ME ANYWAY BC I AM HIS MUN AND ALL BUT.

Q2: WHAT WOULD THEIR SOUNDTRACK / SCORE SOUND LIKE?:

for some reason i always kinda associate him with like edgy violin and piano music?? i mean hey rock stars can be classy too fuck u

Q3: WHY DID YOU START WRITING THIS CHARACTER?:

WELL ORIGINALLY WHEN I FIRST CREATED HIM HE WAS JUST BASED OFF MURDOC NICCALS BC, YALL ALREADY KNOW DAMN WELL IM OBSESSED WITH THAT PICKLE MAN, BUT. Now, however, he’s WAAAAAAAAY different and i just love writing him so much bc like. basically like what i said in the movie question!! he is SO fucking interesting to delve into psychology wise. like, yeah he has an edgy ass tragic backstory, but whats neat about that is you can absolutely see how said edgy backstory ties into his mindset and individual habits and how the memories of it still affects his everyday life despite the fact that he’s escaped it a long time ago now. even in the small things he does, chances are is that every single thing that he does is either something he does to soothe and comfort himself for his own safety, or something that has just been fucking drilled into his mind by the cult members and whatnot, if any of that makes sense? LIKE YALL DONT UNDERSTAND I HAVE LITERALLY WATCHED LIKE HOURS LONG DOCUMENTARIES ON ORPHANAGES AND SATANIC CULTS AND PSYCHOLOGY AND HOW TRAUMA LIKE WHAT EZEKIEL EXPERIENCED CAN FUCK SOMEONE UP, JUST FOR THE SAKE OF WRITING HIM CORRECTLY AND REALISTICALLY. LIKE HE STARTED OFF AS SOME MURDOC NICCALS REJECT WHEN I MADE HIM IN LIKE?? 2015 MAYBE??? BUT NOW, MY MAIN INTEREST IN HIM IS LIKE, HOW FASCINATING HIS FUCKING MIND IS IN A WAY. idk im a big psychology nerd but.

Q4: WHAT FIRST ATTRACTED YOU TO THIS CHARACTER?:

Murdoc

Q5: DESCRIBE THE BIGGEST THING YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR MUSE:

him pushing everyone away! like its one thing to have a self-defense mechanism like where you just generally act kinda mean to drive people off, but Ezekiel can really take it to a whole new level and he really can be like.. a hUGE ASSHOLE BC OF IT. its mostly when he realizes that he may be starting to become close with anyone that it really gets to a bad point and he becomes all the more self-destructive. THIS IS GONNA BE VERY UNSANITARY SO WARNING BUT hes literally told someone in an rp once like “YOURE GOING TO FORCE ME TO EAT YOUR SHIT OR DRINK YOUR FUCKING URINE JUST LIKE THOSE FUCKING PEOPLE IN THE ORPHANAGE DID, ARENT YOU???? IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME?? TO USE ME, HURT ME, CUT ME, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT??? WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE FUCKING FRIENDS YOU GODDAMN IDIOT!!! WHAT THE HELL MADE YOU THINK WE HAD ANYTHING IN COMMON??” AND ITS JUST KINDA.. YIKES SCOOB! but basically hes willing to say just about anything to push people away so he can avoid getting close to anyone

Q6: WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN COMMON WITH YOUR MUSE?:

WE BOTH FEAR AND AVOID ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS LIKE THE FUCKIN WIND. also when i was younger i definitely had a tendency to try and make people hate me just to push people away like Ezekiel does but im not like that anymore thankfully!!

Q7: HOW DOES YOUR MUSE FEEL ABOUT YOU?:

oh hed probably try to fucking kill me lol

Q8: WHAT CHARACTERS DOES YOUR MUSE HAVE INTERESTING INTERACTIONS WITH?

HONESTLY LIKE.. P MUCH EVERY INTERACTION EZEKIEL HAS IS SO GOOD. Ezekiel is one of those characters where its very hard to have a boring rp bc he just does so much shit, so like no matter who i rp him with, its bound to be amazing. ALTHOUGH I DO NEED TO MAKE HIM INTERACT WITH MORE PEOPLE TBH!!! the only problem i have when writing him sometimes is actually making him talk to new people, bc of his extreme shut-in attitude and whatnot, so he literally just never starts conversations with anyone he barely knows.

Q9: WHAT GIVES YOU INSPIRATION TO WRITE YOUR MUSE?:

listening to any music that reminds me of him! but otherwise, it usually just comes pretty naturally to me tbh. just some days ill be in the mood for him all day--same with a lot of my characters actually.

Q10: HOW LONG DID THIS TAKE YOU TO COMPLETE?:

A LONG ASS TIME

#shut up erica; ooc #ezekiel facts

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confessionsofatwentysomethin · 5 years

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Guess who’s back, back again.

It’s me, your favorite 20 something, one year later from what I can only surmise as a shit show from what I just read because I thought it would be a great idea to recap myself on what you all must think of me.

I cried a lot reading the posts I didn’t remember writing because I was out of my mind curling up at the bottom of whatever bottle I’d come across that day; I cried, even more, reading the posts I did remember because all of that pain and melancholy still exists like boulders in the luggage of my runaway heart.

There have been too many boys, friends, men, bottles, smiles, drugs, laughs, cries, midnight vomit sessions, breaths of fresh air, happy days, and days I didn’t think I’d recover from to count. Honestly, 2018 was the happiest and saddest year I have lived this far. I’m sure as we chat a little more, details will begin to reval themselves and stories will come up. These are just the important ones I don’t want to half ass.

I want to start this post with a small message to Janurary 2018 Angela:

I know you’re really butthurt about Nathaniel but WE (I) FUCKED HIS HOT COUSIN NICK AND HE WILL NEVER FIND OUT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HURT HIM LIKE THAT OR DEAL WITH THE REPERCUSSIONS BUT IF WE EVER DID TELL HIM IT WOULD SHATTER HIM AND HIS FRAGILE EGO. So forget that dude, Nick was a fucking 14/10 and you fucking nailed that REPEATEDLY and Nathaniel still sucks even to this day so get over it you big, beautiful fucking queen.

Anyway, back to raw, emotional, reflective Angela (our regularly scheduled programming):

New years 2018 has become an iconic day in my life and the lives of every person in my once close-knit group of high school friends. Ryan’s girlfriend Monika slept with Ryan’s best friends Matt and Mason, and all three boys were some of my closest friends for years.

Sure, it’s a huge joke amongst those of us who still strain relationships through the wreckage that night and the nights leading up to it caused, that everyone got to see everyone topless and I made out with Jordan and Ashley like it was some innate thing that I’d always wanted to do (because we literally all made eye contact and just started making out, zero prompting from anyone... I totally admit that it’s the only moment where I genuinely questioned my sexuality lmao). However, no number of boobs of old friends is ever going to make me forget the way two of my friends betrayed Ryan.

Nevermind the fact the Monika gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a few months ago. Don’t worry, we all did the math, it’s not Matt or Mason’s... but the lack of loyalty on that girl does not suggest he is genetically Ryan’s, which isn’t stopping him from being with her, which makes pretty much all of us dead to him. Can we blame him? I don’t, not even one bit. I can’t imagine the feeling Ryan must have carried for months, the betrayal. I’m not saying I understand why he stayed with her and shut every single one of us out, but I also don’t think it’s unreasonable that he did. I have, and always will wish him the best; I hope his son grows up loved, happy, and healthy, and that Monika can grow up for his sake.

With that being said, I really do think that day was the last nail in the coffin for this page. I was so overwhelmed with processing the entire thing and how exactly I fit into it, that I really do think I had to turn my mind off for a long time to survive it in a healthy way. I lost faith and respect for two boys that I had watched grow into men that I loved and respected like the older brothers I had prayed for years to have. I would never be able to look at them the same way, and it made me feel selfish for making it about me that I just didn’t, not even to myself.

I did not speak to anybody in that group for about 10 months before I responded to one of the many invitations to come together with what was left of the group, which was Lucas and his girlfriend Little Taylor, and that only lasted a little while until New Years 2019 when they got into an immature fight like they always do, and I couldn’t help myself; I called them out on it, and now I guess we aren’t speaking. New years 2019 was the first time I had seen Matt and Mason, it was as if nothing had changed, and like always, they made jokes about what upsets them: Ryan being gone, Ryan being a Dad, our group is in pieces and we don’t talk about it unless it’s a low blow to someone who isn’t even around to stand up for themselves.

I had an alright time. I had gone with my friend Tim from Bdubs Dekalb circa 2015 to his sisters wedding, and missed the stroke of midnight, which was okay because I was perfectly comfortable spending the first two minutes alone in my car. We got drunk, nostalgic, and silly, just how I wanted to remember them. I really do love every single one of them for surviving all of the teenage recklessness we stirred up together, but part of growing up was realizing that not all of your friends are friends who can be trusted with anything but drunken jokes and stupid nights. I love them for being drunk and stupid, and I am okay with just that.

2018... what a fucking year. I Don’t even think I remember all of it. From the looks of my posts, it might not be because I naturally have a horrible memory, Rumplemintz definitely had something to do with it.

2018 was that year I loved Cirissa and Chris, the couple who gave me hope and faith in a love that slowly matures but never grows old... until I realized that they had too many problems for me to start analyzing the way they were. Chronic alcoholism, a marriage that was a mix of co-dependence, lack of confidence to get anybody else, and fear of being alone sprinkled on top of a genuine love that was the root of my admiration. Every night we were together, we were the three best friends that anybody could have, our soundtrack was every Disney song we could get our hands on; we got off work, and my tongue always tasted like peppermint schnapps, and they would let me hit the button on the slot machine they chose that evening.

It was a fast, hard, deep, loving friendship for a year, and I wouldn’t trade that time for anything in the world. I have never for one second doubted that Cirissa truly did love me like a sister, and sometimes like a mom, and she did everything she could to make me feel that love as deeply as this heart could let me. There isn’t enough time in the world to go through how grateful I am for the emo sing alongs, drunken heart to hearts, and hugs that really did hold me together when I was falling apart.

Chris truly is one of the greatest men I have ever known, and I know he loved me like the really cool tomboy sister he never had. So many heavy metal nights and pep talks about how amazing I am, and how much better I deserve, and I am literally sobbing like an idiot because I miss the support and friendship that these two gave me so dearly.

The truth is, as much as I cherish them and all the crazy shit we did, it wasn’t healthy at all. I cannot blame anybody but myself for all of the liquor that I let take a shot at filling up my emptiness, but they were the cheerleaders that helped me believe that one day my demons would drown.

I know well enough now that there’s never going to be a moment where my vices beat my pain or complexities, and that mentality has tried to thrive in the little wasted snowglobe we created for the three best friends and died every single damn time.

There is no way in hell that Christian Boyajian will ever fit into words on a computer screen or a book or even an encyclopedia. Not because he is the greatest thing that ever happened to me; not because he is particularly special; not because I’ll never forget him or get over him or stop loving him.

Christian was simply someone who came into my life, and changed it forever, He changed me in ways that I had always written about but had no idea how heavy the words I was saying actually were.

June 2017 or somewhere in there, we had met on POF and bonded over Batman and how we both grew up so close to each other. I remember feeling like he was funny, smart, worldly, and clever. He’s in the Navy, and we lost touch because I’ve been a fuckboy for years, and he deployed before we got close enough for me to ever imagine signing up to be a navy girlfriend.

Fast forward to March 2018, we reconnected on POF. I was wasted at coach house with my friends, and it was like no time had passed.

He was living in San Diego, I was back in Illinois still, and we facetimed every night for a month before I decided to fly out to meet him. He told me he loved me before I even got on the plane. I knew it was fast, but I was so sick of being drunk and numb that I let myself feel whatever I wanted. I did know that I wanted to say I loved him to his face, like I always have with anyone.

I didn’t even write love poems about him, just fragments that still litter the notepad on my phone, because I knew it would be over faster than I could write it down and I wanted to soak up every single fucking second of being loved because I genuinely didn’t know if I would ever get the chance again.

Standing in front of him for the first 24 hours, I was on top of the world. I was loved. I was worshipped. I was unbreakable. But after that euphoria gave way to reality, the conversations about me moving to California didn’t seem as exciting to him. He started petty fights and didn’t look at me like his world was in my eyes anymore.

The worst part of finally getting to feel all of the beautiful things that I wrote about being in a love I knew nothing about before him, was having to feel all of the soul crushing things that I wrote about after I thought I had failed at love, except this time it was so real that it really did break me into a million tiny pieces.

I literally watched him lose interest infront of me without the barrier of a screen to make it feel a little less human. He stopped holding my hand in the car, made heart-breaking attempts to pretend he still wanted to keep all of his promises, and tried to break up with me at a Portillos. I, of course, didn’t let that happen because nobody gets dumped at Portillos. I will be fucking damned if you try to ruin the world’s best goddamn beef sandwich for me, fucking asshole.

I loved him so fucking much that when he called me after a week of the silent treatment, all I could say was “you promised me. You fucking promised me, Christian. You won, you got me, that actually hurts” and he was so cold and disassociated that I knew that he had. I had finally felt something and it went from being so beautiful and reckless and amazing to an earth shattering sound I can never reproduce clawing its way out of my throat and dragging me to my fucking knees in my garage. I had poured so much of myself into him that I didn’t even have the strength to get off the concrete for 15 minutes. I just laid there and cried when we hung up because I had been so stoic during the call. I remember he had said “Goodnight, Angela.” and I replied coldly with “Goodbye, Christian”.because I wanted to rob him of the opportunity to feel like he would be missed, like all of this meant anything, just like he had robbed me.

Christian was everything I projected onto all of those boys before about how I craved to be loved, and everything I had projected on those goodbyes before him that I fabricated to write gut-wrenching poetry.

The only hard part of that was actually feeling it, and I finally understand that I cannot ever write things because they sound good because someday I will have to feel them and I have to be incredibly careful what I wish for.

I found out in October 2019 that he had gotten into a relationship 2 weeks after we broke up, and all the pain I had tried to pickle in vodka took a new breath of life, and it took me months to build peace with it again.

I didn’t even speak to a boy romantically for six months after that, which actually occurred a week ago... so there’s that for a timeline. We’ll get to present day soon, I swear.

Taylor, my beloved person, my forever friend, is gone. Not dead, just fucking gone. Christian and I had broken up in the beginning of July, she had gone through all that with me, gotten into a relationship with a guy named Ben who laughed like a goose and constantly saddled her with his alcohol issues (totally not judging because I have my own issues with alcohol but she didn’t and I wanted to protect her the best I could because I loved her so so much) (that ‘d’ was really hard to put after love, I guess it’s still raw). September came around, time for my birthday. I wasn’t particularly excited this year because if the depression and alcoholism and crippling loneliness, but she was determined to revive my normal birthday over-enthusiasm. So, she did, and when it came time... she couldn’t seem to follow through.

She’s a beautiful writer, but I think every writer is guilty at some point in their life of having more beautiful words than beautiful actions, and this was hers.

An extravagant birthday dripping in mimosas and mani pedis before a night of dressing to the nines and going out on the town somehow got stripped down to Walmart face masks and painting each other’s nails at home for the weekend I had requested off work an entire month in advance... and I had to tell her that I could do that on a normal day, but not my birthday weekend.

She got her wisdom teeth out just days before, and tried to tell me it wasn’t an appointment scheduled months in advance. I told her I was driving to Nashville for my birthday, and we could do a DIY spa day upon my return, but it really hurt me that she couldn’t be bothered to follow through with her promises, even if they weren’t as big in real life as they were in my inbox. She knew it was a dark time for me, and she put forth so little effort to build me back up the way I have always worked so hard to give her a big beautiful life full of laughter and stupid jokes and amazing memories.

We have spoken once since I sent that text. It was an accidental 2am FaceTime butt dial where she immediately hung up and said “sorry I left my phone open in my pocket”. I didn’t respond, and I lost my best friend because I told her that she hurt me, and the best way to deal with that is not to deal with it at all, I suppose.

Treasure and I reunited shortly after this, but not too shortly because I wanted to prove to myself that I didn’t need a “person” or a best friend or anyone because it had been such a horrible year for depending on others that I truly never wanted to do it ever again.

I got all of the best parts of Treasure back, the jokes, the stories, the laughing in unison, making everyone else in the room uncomfortable because the only ones that mattered to either of us was US. We were stupid but mentally sparred regularly, and kept eachother sharp on political, social, and emotional topics, and really worked to support and better eachother. In my time away from her, I grew my own voice, opinion, and sense of direction. This new characteristics allowed our friendship to flourish, and still is. She is still with DeAndre, and loves his son very much. I met him once, he”s smart and amazing and loves me. Her life is so filled with love, and I could see that she had found her corner of the universe. I was so happy to have her back in this new and healthy way, that it almost made it impossible to leave her.

Oh, here’s the kicker: I picked up my life and moved again, but this time? I moved to Seattle.

This is day 22 that I am wrapping up,

and that’s exactly why I’m back, bitches.

#Triggerwarning bitchimback confessionsofatwentysomething Seattle Travel newstart Newlife Whodis Recap dontcallitacomeback

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