#What an autism to be honest

[sillylil-sideblog]

I had this idea for a Lucifer x Reader. It was inspired by @annwe24 ‘s Sugar Daddy Fic (Which I love so far btw!! ❤️)

To put it simply it was Lucifer falling in love with the Reader at first sight, and with some slightly-misguided advice from the Hotel Residents, had began going to dinner with them & doing stuff for payment, since I think he’d like to use his money as a gift-giving love language. Though, the way he does it is rather wrong, and is perceived badly by the reader. So after a while, they finally talk.

It isn’t the full idea really, but it is a snippet of it. :] I haven’t really written fics before so I’m pretty proud of it.

Let me know if you guys like it ^^ or if there’s any tips you got.

(I’m sorry if it’s not very good, this is the byproduct of a 1am idea & those typically don’t of well ^^;)

MENTIONS: Hella angst, mentions of sex, reader has four arms (because they’re cool)

———————————————

“… I can’t do this anymore, Lucifer.”

Lucifer’s concentration lifts up from his half-unbuttoned shirt, his eyes shifting to Y/N with a puzzled expression.

“Why, w-whatever do you mean, darling?”

Y/N’s back was turned away from him, head looking down as their upper hands froze at hem of their skirt.

“Oh! Did ya want to try something new tonight? I’m happy for any suggestions, you know I’m not against much, my dear—“

“No, Luci, I… I-I mean all of this. Our arrangement. It’s done.”

Lucifer turns his body slightly to face them, his brows slightly furrowed as his hands gently moved from his shirt’s middle button.

“Everyday it’s the same dry conversation… the same restaurant, the same sex, the same paycheck, the same cold silence that befalls my apartment each night, the same crimson jewelry— which isn’t even my favorite color, by the way! I don’t remember saying crimson was ever my favorite…”

Y/N turns at their comment of the jewelry, a hand grazing the bejeweled necklace that laid across their neck.

“W-WEHell… uhm… why didn’t you say so, my love! W-We could’ve always went somewhere else, y’know! And I could get you something else, w-whatever you’d like, dear! N-No need to get so upset—“

Lucifer replied, an air of confidence, not reassurance, that plagued his voice in his last few words and stung through their heart. Their hidden, glaring eyes shut as their muscles tightened.

“It’s baby yellow, by the way.”

“…Wh—“

“I like how warm and light it is, like if a loving hug were a color. And I’ve always hated fancy restaurants because I’ve never seen the appeal of spending hours dressing up to go to a place and spend over 100$ for like a 4 ounce salmon; and for what? Just for some prissy pathetic snobs to give me the side eye for not knowing which of the fucking dozens of forks to use?”

They lectured, body fully facing him now, eyes staring practically into his very soul.

“I prefer thunderstorms over clear skies. Tea over coffee. Cats over dogs. I rarely, if ever drink alcohol because I hate its bitter taste and the warm feeling it pulses in my ears; and I hate who I am when i’m tipsy. It’s why I never smoke, or never did drugs, either. Not because I wanted to be better, but because I didn’t want to become worse. Because I didn’t want to fucking atrophy like everyone else has in this god-forsaken place and lose who I am to people who don’t care about me.”

Y/N clutched the fabric of their dress tightly, tears pricking their eyes as their voice cracked, but they continued on. Their words became louder and stronger with each syllable. Though it broke as their tears fell, eyes now softened as they stared upon a shocked Lucifer standing near the foot of his bed.

“...I am not going to lose myself again. And I can’t let you take that from me.”

“S…S-Sweetheart, what are you saying—“

Lucifer pleads with a heave of his breath. He’s focused now; palms gripping onto air as his gaze shifts so chaotically as if trying to break their hardened gaze. Y/N slowly step over to the wrapped present, cradling it gently in their grasp. Their eyes stiffen at the sight of it as a sigh escapes their lips. After a pause, they looks up, turning their face to Lucifer’s. His eyes were wide; and Y/N swore they saw the red tones in his eyes shift like a whirlpool as his surprised, almost scared expression were fixated on them.

“..This box contains all the money you’ve given me in these past few weeks...”

As Y/N’s lower arms support the box, their upper ones slowly lift up to unclip the dark crimson necklace that was freshly placed on their neck before. They then lift up the lid, and slide the necklace inside. Lucifer’s eyes sharply follow as it slips into the box. His heart sank at the sound of it clanking among the other jewelry inside, tears threatening to fall across his porcelain skin.

“…And all the jewelry you have ever gifted me.”

Lucifer stared at the box in bewilderment.

“W-Why… Y-You don’t need to give that back, that’s yours— a-and there more to come we— *huff* We don’t have to do it tonight, we can do whatever you’d like, and we’ll go to dinner again.. t-tomorrow, and…”

They look at him with a softened gaze, but not one in love, but in acceptance; A simple, bittersweet realization behind such bright eyes. A look that killed him inside. Because he knew what it was.

“…Thank you for this opportunity. And I hope you find someone better worth your time.”

They spoke, their tone soften now as they gently grabbed their things and put their hand on the doorknob. As Lucifer heard the click of the lock his tears finally broke out of their prideful cage, as he swiftly made his way over to them and grabbing them by the hand.

“Swee- Y-Y/N, please. I-I never meant to do that, any of that! We don’t h-have to go back there again, I’ll give you light yellow jewelry a-and whatever you desire, there’s nothing I can’t do, please! I-I’ll be better this time, better for you!”

Y/N looks down at Lucifer as he’s on his knees, pitch black arms practically gripping onto their gloved hand like he will fall into the vaccum of space if he doesn’t. Golden tears fall down his face in an almost bittersweet rhythm, his eyes swirling in sorrow and shame and he looks up to them as if for salvation. Their muscles relax, but their gaze doesn’t falter.

“Just please don’t go.”

They remain there for a few seconds; a few seconds that felt like such a stabbing eternity. As if you could feel the weight of 10,000 years upon its air. As if it were there before. They take his hand, slowly, up to their face.. and gently place a kiss upon his soft knuckles. A small, light tear streams down their face as their eyes close in earnest. They slowly lift their head up, and look down upon Lucifer with a firm glare once again.

“…Goodbye, your majesty.”

They let his hand slip gently through their fingers as they open the door and step out of his room, closing it with a swift shut behind them. Lucifer’s hand remained there, outstretched, as his ears wailed at the sound of their fading footsteps.

Y/N strutted down that darkened hallway, the moonlight shining down from the windows slowly fading from their form. As they walked towards the mansion door, the tears finally broke, streaming down their face as they undauntedly marched forward; and opened the door.

————————

#lucifer morningstar x reader #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel #lucifer x reader #lucifer hazbin hotel #I am so in love with this man but sometimes I just want to watch the world burn #Sweet man #What an autism to be honest #/vpos

[danothan]

everyday i log onto the internet i am forced to fisticuffs combat the halbarry default yaoi allegations. THEY’RE NOT A BASIC BRUNETTE/BLONDE JOCK/NERD DYNAMIC THEY’RE MORE THAN THAT (coping)

#i can’t talk to certain dc fans some of them are too immersed in fan conversation that they lose their fresh perspective #yk krillers doesn’t know anything abt superheroes and actually told me that they thought halbarry were the opposite #bc hal’s got that plane autism and barry is basically a track star #and i think that is far more enlightened than some of the stuff i see in my peripherals #but they can’t be reduced to fanfic tropes like that either way… they are special… TO ME #it’s just wild to me that i’ll see 2013-style yaoi fanart in 2023 #they’re not twinks!!! they’re not twinks and they’re not seme/uke substitutes!!! #i think a good rule of thumb is that most of their dynamic goes both ways #<- not referring to seme/uke but that too ig (does not know which word means what) #but you’ll especially notice this in older vs newer iterations of their relationship #does ‘i won’t let you get lost to the speedforce. don’t let me get lost in the stars’ mean NOTHING to you ?! #they’ve done it all! #older hal used to be the one to reach out and bridge their early friendship while barry was the stick in the mud #and newer hal struggles to adapt to barry’s way of friendship while barry is the one to usually initiate their bonding #also i love hal annoying barry bc that is honest to god his love language #but i never see the reverse in fanworks? #ig bc barry’s way of being annoying is more understated but it’s still pretty egregious #hal is annoying bc he likes attention barry is annoying bc he likes to see hal’s reaction #thank god they have each other so they can (relatively) contain their annoyingness to themselves 💚 #except the pda is rly just shameless. why are they always all over each other in front of the justice league. #i’m not even rly complaining anymore i’m honestly just waxing poetic abt their relationship #they have a sedating quality abt them (when they’re not riling me up in a fit of passion) #halbarry #the flash #green lantern #barry allen #hal jordan #dc #danbles

[milo-the-professional-yapper]

Working through Penumbra season one and oh god fuck I forgot about the kissing.

As someone who’s aroace and hates the sound of literally anyone kissing, this is my personal hell.

#the penumbra podcast #juno steel #peter nureyev #they fr making out all the time and I’m like PLEASE STOP YOURE KILLING ME #Jupeter is cute as hell tho so I’m willing to overlook it but Jesus Christ #I honest to god just skip through it 😭 #missed my wife Juno Steel though #honey I’ve returned from the war #what was it you ask??? #just my depression #recent self diagnosis of autism #and complete lack of any social presence both irl and online

[simcardiac-arrested]

rewatching the achilles animatic again and even though every frame was a new different special kind of torture it was still fun. Sometimes. therapeutic even one could say

#kind of miss working on it is what i mean . just working on a polished/long animatic project #and like you can REALLY tell i was struggling with 90% of the poses and faces and head shapes UEHEUJEGSJS #the only things that look consistently good are like. The hands (?) kind of. a little #i mean the animatic is good and looks great obviously but you KNOW i wasnt lying when i said in the description that #drawing is hard. unfortunately #i think at that time i was actually at the cusp of burnout too ? if im remembering correctly ….. and then i kept working on the animatic #through the sheer power of autism . and then more autism happened forever #But well if im honest most of the reason it looks wonky is probably bc i was just not used to drawing iterators #like before that i’ve drawn them a few tjmes sure but it’s been a good year or two #and i was drawing more normal lookin humanoids instead of bald ass robots #it was fucking up my artstyle sooo bad #it’s interesting to look back now #i havent drawn iterators in forever but i think i’ve gotten a bit better at them even if i still struggle #crammerposting

[saltywinteradult]

i'm sure this has been said already but GOD. applying for jobs is such a dehumanising experience, especially if you're neurodivergent. i genuinely feel like i'm selling myself like a goddamn product. apparently i'm supposed to pretend that i want a job for another reason than the fact that i fucking have to to afford food and shelter? and that being a wage slave for a distressingly large portion of my life is something i'm passionate about? jesus christ. i know i have the qualifications. why the fuck does it matter if i work to live and not the other way around, as long as i can do the goddamn job?

#autism #asd #autism problems #actuallyautistic #actually autistic #anticapitalism #anti capitalism #i hate capitalism #i hate work #anti work #personal #ok to reblog #can a neurotypical PLEASE explain this #i genuinely don't get it. #and neurotypicals say we're the ones who have trouble communicating... #neurotypicals learn how to be honest challenge #also yes i guess i could switch careers to something i'm passionate about #but guess what? just about all of the jobs i might actually love are all but impossible to make a living from #so yeah

[delta-piscium]

and what if I wrote disaster cringe fail vampire Eddie? what then?

#I love hot suave vampire Eddie but I don’t know if I can do that if I’m honest but what I can absolutely do is him stumbling through it #Eddie biting in the wrong spot and barely getting any blood or being too scared to bite anyone because what if he gets any major arteries?? #my guy has the adhd and autism thing of not recognizing your body signals and forgets to drink blood and looses his mind #depending on vampire lore just shrivels up or looses his humanity idk and Steve is there like ‘goddamn it Munson again?’ #every time he would have put hair infront of his face he turns into a bat instead #has no control over his fangs and will have the most awful lisp speaking around them bc they’re just out for whatever reason #he still fucks though like I need to make that clear he’s a loser but he will pin Steve down at any given time and the vampire strength #does help #stranger things #eddie munson #dels stranger things thoughts #my post

[snoctober]

everyone’s saying how Hades comes across as gay but not autistic? HELLO?

#that’s literally where nico gets it from #that’s an autistic man #honest to god I swear #percy jackson #hades #episode 7 #spoilers #i west crazy this episode (and last episode (and last episode (and last episode (and last episode (and last episode )))))) #he is me i am him it’s autism i SWEAR #not saying he’s not gay as well as if any of the gods aren’t queer but i knew exactly what he was moment he came on screen #that WALK? THE SPEED? I WALK LIKE RHAT #autism #the DRAMA with visitors #preparing exactly #Trust me guys trust me

[eepybubble]

why do autism tests make their questions so confusing bro if i'm autistic i'm not gonna understand

#i had to look up what a couple questions meant and it literally didn't help #like compassionate means someone who expresses compassion thanks i got that far 👍 #anyway i got 132 on the raads test again #last time i got 143 #both are still strong evidence for autism so lowkey idk #i was trying to be more honest if that makes sense #like last time i was in the middle of a lot of research which might have affected my answers idk #borf barks

[bespokeminutiae]

It's Pride Month. Have some Temenos Headcanons!

Disclaimer: I have not finished the game. I've only played through the Crackridge part of Temenos's chapter 3.

Please do not put spoilers on my post!!

So as of Temenos' Chapter 3 part 1 here's my impression of him:

He's autistic

He has a special interest in people, especially in social interaction.

This is not the same thing as having good social skills.

He's a fairly private person, instead having several different masks that he puts on based on the social situation he's in.

He has "kindly parish priest" for the kiddos, "scary inquisitor" for adults who he expects to respect his authority, "customer service smile of please die" for adults who have power over him (except the pontiff), and "snarky asshole" for people he trusts with it. (you can kinda see this in the game dialogue imo!)

Pre-travelling, he doesn't have a lot of friends. He has a lot of colleagues, but not a lot of friends.

50/50 odds for each individual friendship as to whether Temenos likes the other person less than the other person likes him or whether the other person likes Temenos less than Temenos likes the other person.

Crick definitely likes Temenos more than Temenos likes Crick, but Crick keeps spending time with him and isn't just putting up with his presence, so Temenos is growing to like him more and more.

He has to concede that the other travelers are his friends after months of traveling with them, but he definitely gets on best with Osvald, Throné, and Cassti.

He has a soft spot for Agnea and Ochette, but has trouble seeing them as adults instead of as basically equivalent to the parish children who come watch his paper plays.

He's Transmasc

His gender and presentation are designed to do two things, in order of priority: Minimize dysphoria, and manage other people's expectations.

Like literally the cleric profession has a shapeless robe as the uniform for both genders. Nothing says "Please stop hitting on me" and "I do not wish to think about my body" quite like a shapeless robe. Tell me I'm wrong. You can't.

Definitely entered the church fairly young to avoid getting hit on/having to think about his gender

when he did get hit on as a young teen, it was less because he was attractive and more because he was low-hanging fruit.

Gondor has no binder. Gondor needs no binder.

Gondor has no ass. Gondor needs no ass.

To this day, he's a stick and absolutely uses the robes/cloak to be bigger/more intimidating.

Investigating his gender/sexuality came fairly easy to him Both because "Doubt is what I do" and also because this man is pretty autistic and sometimes social norms/gender expectations are stupid.

If he used modern American language to describe himself, he'd probably be a Triple A (Autistic, Agender, Asexual)

In-setting, what I think he settled on is that being a man (short hair, male pronouns) provides him with the most comfortable experience in his society--it gets him the respect he wants (for the most part) when he needs it and it shields him from harassment/danger (for the most part) that would come with being a woman, and anything further is a private matter.

It's not obvious what the structure of the church is and whether there's sexism involved in who does what job, but Octopath still does have some sexism baked into the setting as a whole in ways that make me feel like Temenos would find it advantageous to choose to be a man (so to speak) in this society, even if his personal feelings are somewhat more complicated.

They're not that much more complicated. He mostly doesn't think about it. It's not relevant to the investigation.

#octopath traveler 2 #octopath temenos #temenos mistral #octopath meta #meta #I have hc for all 8 travelers but I decided to do them in separate posts because I started writing them out and Tememnos' was just SO LONG #LIKE LITERALLY TWICE AS LONG AS EVERYONE ELSE AT LEAST #I love him but if we're being honest he's not my fav traveler of the 8!! #he's just way too fucking complicated #In retrospect I have no idea what it being pride month has to do with temenos headcanons #half this post is about his autism #also!!! feel free to talk to me about these headcanons if you want

[dispotatorulzz]

Tried once again to explain to my mom about how I don't feel alot of empathy or whatever for people I don't care about that much. And she said "Only psychopaths who kill people think like that ." So .

#broke my rule number one of never be honest with your mother #she simply does not understand does not care to and will not try to #she kept going “oh so you don't love me” #and yk. yk . one day ill just be honest with her #i don't think she understands she is not a person i gaf about #there are a few of my close friends and stuff i feel empathy for and she is. not!! one of them so . whatever #anyway i don't know what causes this probably an autism moment whatever #I just need to get out of this house moment

[moonflowerxox]

it's so funny to me the way that some NT people act like being straightforward and saying what you mean is a rare and unheard of trait

baby girl, you do realize that it's OK to just say what you want, instead of throwing hints around in the hopes someone gets it, right?

I don't understand NT peoples obsession with thinking that everyone can read their minds just SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST life's too short

#autism #im not special for being honest idk what to tell u

[brutal-nemesis]

Feel free to ignore this and im sorry if i word it poorly, but I'm asking because I'm genuinely curious and want to learn as I don't know any aroace people in real life! You said you have a boyfriend, but you don't feel romantic attraction. How does that change having a friend vs having a boyfriend?

No worries I'm happy to talk about it!! This might get kinda rambly but oh well shove it under readmore so i can talk forever

So I think for my boyfriend, I think it's just like more intense platonic feelings? The sorts of things I want to do with him are things I would be fine doing with someone else, if that makes sense. Cuz a lot of aromantics/aro-adjacent people struggle with telling the difference between romantic and platonic attraction, myself included. At some point I defined romantic as wanting to do certain things with Them and Only Them, while platonic is like I would prefer to do xyz thing with them but if I did it with someone else it wouldn't be weird. "Doing things" in this case ranges from eating a meal together to cuddling (for me things don't go beyond that physically). Idk if I explained it well enough but that's the definition I use for myself.

So like I still love him and care about him a lot and everything but it's not quite the same way he loves me (he's straight). I at least can sense a sort of difference in how we feel about each other, idk if he can, but it makes me more certain that my feelings for him aren't romantic, and that is okay. He's known I'm aroace since before we started dating (he was super scared to ask me out because of it rip bozo) so we've always been on the same page about all of that.

And you're probably wondering why I did agree to go out with him if I don't have romantic feelings for him. For starters, I've never been opposed to the idea of having a partner, but it was more of a "if it happens great and if not that's fine too" kinda vibe. In the months before we started dating we'd gotten really close as friends and did some cuddling because that shit can totally be platonic yk. He caught feelings somewhere along the way cuz Straight and when he asked I said yes cuz I do want to be with him. I wanna hang out all the time and go for hikes and watch Ghost Files and make dinner together and let him have some of my ice cream.

I could do those things with someone else and still have fun, but I'd rather do them with him. So it's platonic, in my eyes, but it's still very much love.

#wow an ask #anon #nemi's vibes #ig idk how to categorize this #not whump #oh wait funny colored tag #aromantic #yaaaaaahhhh #but uh yeah np i am always open to questions about whatever #cuz if it comes from an honest place of wanting to learn then im happy to explain whatever stupid thing #(i say this like i didnt cry laughing last night because we had to explain to one of my friends what ''bottom energy'' meant) #(he genuinely did not know. i sobbed. innocent man who probably has autism i love him) #(tbf this guy has a history of Not Knowing Things because the texas education system will do that to ya 😔) #enough about him tho. i am happy to answer questions!!

[faithfromanewperspective]

My name is Ariel. I'm the first ever person to be recognised to have a PDA profile (of autism) without autism. And I've realised recently how much the random stuff I do on here, is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life.

So much of my existence has been spent masking, hiding who I really am. And how could I not? When there is no representation of a neurotype anything like mine. When there is no category for it in people's heads either, and so the way they perceive me--and I see it in the way they communicate with me, in their language and behaviour--tends to be a facet, a side, a view of the real me that never shows the whole picture. It's exhausting, never really being known. Existing in fragments of myself to accommodate for people who genuinely do want to know me, but I don't have the language to explain the extent of who I am to them and as a result, the first thing they see becomes everything, in their mind. After that's happened it's hard to explain how it's always not been the case. How I didn't mean to deceive them. I didn't ask to be this way.

I relate to late-diagnosed autistics in this, the confusion of people around them as they unmask. But they often will say they get to fully be themselves in autistic spaces. I don't experience that relief. I feel the kinship of being neurodivergent, and I share the experience of hyperfixations and overload in the ways they present for me. But it's like communicating with neurotypicals, only different. I don't feel a sense of home. I'm like you in some ways. In other ways, not so much. Just different ways. And it's exhausting living in fragments. But this weird partial dual citizenship has superfinetuned my communication skills. My empathy. My ability to understand brains and experiences which are wildly different--and when I'm taking in all of this information all of the time, feeling all this empathy, shifting gears in my brain for every neurotype of every person I lose myself in the experiences of a little--it gets overwhelming. I get overloaded, yes, from the volume of it, and I wish I could relate to empaths more on these things, that I didn't have to expose myself to problematic takes to try. But I also see patterns and trends. I'm hyperaware of authority structures and power and hierarchies as a PDAer. And so some of these patterns concern me. But who can I debrief what I'm seeing, what I'm exposed to every day I interact with people (and I always am interacting with people) with? No one sees it from the vantage point I do. And it's exhausting to have to explain it.

But a silver lining, I guess, is the sense of purpose it brings. The sense that maybe little by little, I can be a part of putting some of the things I see right. There are many areas I'm passionate about, and I talk a lot about them on this blog. It's good to have the outlet. There are many ways of addressing them that I can see, and imagine playing out from my unique perspective, predict how every stakeholder will interact with them. See whether they work, or it's time to return to the drawing board. I'm a PDAer, I'm a natural problem solver. And every effort I make takes a weight off my chest. I'm processing things and doing what I can for them. I can rest knowing I've done my part. I'm not ignoring the injustice, the elephant in the room or in my vision, the thing that when I'm involved with gives me sensory overload (or the closest thing to it) and I'm so empathetic to the people involved with at all times, I can get overloaded from feeling how it must be for them.

I have to look after myself. Manage my energy. But it's hard, because the accounting formulas we're given don't work for me. Even common profiles of neurodivergence--I'm energised by novelty. By connection. By creativity, not by routine. I need each of the carefully constructed tasks in my routine to regulate me in order to be able to do the next, which will regulate me for the next and so on. It's a hard system to put together. I don't know anyone else who has to do the same. And I know a lot of people.

I think my neurotype only assists me with my biggest form of art, the main thing I want to do with my life. I like to joke that every urban planner/designer who graduated from my high school is a PDAer. I don't have a large sample space for that observation. But I'm usually right. We see the big picture. We care about justice and we're good at finding it among fake claims of it. We're natural problem solvers. We're empathetic artists. We're practical at our core. We hyperfocus. And perhaps most of all, we're communicators.

I've heard the main thing an urban designer is is a communicator. No wonder. I shuffle through information and perspectives like a deck of cards I'm trying to sort by colour, number, and shape. I match up people's opposing perspectives and I unpack their fears in front of me. And then I draw. I write. I compose melodies--anything to get this constant stream of ideas out of me and doing something productive. So of course I'm going to be standing up against power abuses in religion, unpacking every way this infiltrates into our lives and all of its impacts. Of course I'm going to dissect colonialism and present ways we can do better. Face and push through the fear that has us trying to lord over others without realising. Of course I'm going to reach out to anyone even vaguely like me that they might not have to be alone in it. I might not have to be alone in it as well. And of course I'm going to understand them perfectly.

Is it a skill? Sure. Is it a neurotype? Absolutely. It's myself, the 'me' I never understood how to be until I understood everyone else. Is it a disability? It disrupts any ability I have to do anything else I or anyone else might want me to do with my days. It tires me out. It overloads me in ways there aren't really any normalised ways to explain and I can't say no to it when I feel compelled to do something. It impacts my mental health. It limits me. But it's who I am. Why would I want to try to be anything else?

#neurodivergence #pda profile #name reveal i guess #personal mental health tag #silver studies urban design #silver bridges #even things i do like #punk christianity #it all fits in here #this is why I need to press on. keep working on how to be more me around everyone else. be honest. explain if necessary #but overall just stop hiding I guess. i don't need to defend myself. I do need to find people to connect with #also i don't think many people will but if you're like 'you can't have pda without autism' i have been officially recognised by leaders #in the field researching from a neurodivergent affirming perspective. who have told me they thought that til they met me #and so i think it's time to stop doubting myself being like 'not sure i can actually exist like this' i can. i do. and i'm not the only one #at least i don't think. even though we are rare #like does this mean autism criteria are too narrow? maybe. but i'm not the person who makes them what they are. i don't meet them

[actual-changeling]

my therapist be like "you communicate just fine" ok then why does no one ever understand what i mean

#alex yells at the void #like no thats not what i just said why are you putting words in my mouth #you are fundamentally misunderstanding my fucking problem #and i dont know how to explain it because i thought i said it in the most direct and honest way possible #but apparently not #its the fucking autism again isnt it #see and thats why my life would be ten times easier if i just never talked to anyone ever #at least i understand myself even tho no one else does #literally why do i even bother at this point i also just dont try to explain it #let them believe whatever they want having to defend MY OWN WORDS is exhausting and all it ends up beinng is a fucking mess #and i get accused of being a liar or mean or stupid or whatever word you wanna pick #when none of those are true you are just not fucking listening #anyway bed time

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

something I find very intriguing about lonan & harrison is that in moth work/feeding habits, harrison thinks about/reflects on/worries about lonan SO much, and when he does, it’s constantly about the past, what they’ve already been to each other, etc (often romanticized). the same could be said in body back. this is kind of his fatal flaw!!! ON THE OTHER HAND lonan barely refers to harrison AT ALL in in MW/FH and now also in hallowed bodies, but when he does, it’s typically about their future together (which obviously doesn’t exist because they’re broken up). anywayyy very intriguing to me. 👀

#what could this MEAN #on the surface it’s that Harrison cares more and Lonan doesn’t care as much or at all #also a part of it is that when I wrote MW/FH Lonan was my favourite child & so his narrative took precedence (sorry harrison lmaooo) #BUT ALSOOO which is worse?? or is their a worse??? #Harrison’s line of thinking makes him resent Lonan even more than he ever did before #and makes him….. 24 karat harrison (a sin) #because he’s a really rigid person who can’t get out of his narrow world (especially when that world was 99% lonan) #on the other hand Lonan’s line of thinking isn’t as dramatic (sorry harrison lmaoooo) #but I don’t take it to mean that he doesn’t care at all but that he cares deeply in a different way #he really is focused on himself tho I will be honest hahahah #but I think that also speaks to him knowing he needs to get better WITHOUT constantly referring to Harrison as a crutch #now that I think of it I think the difference is: autism lol #Lonan ends up a much better person by the time we get to FH #I think it says a lot that he no longer needs to think about Harrison 24/7 for him to have gotten there #would that have been better for him??? idk!!!! #but the difference has always intrigued me!! #again some of it is my fault tho lol

[m3wllo]

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i feel like an old man im having to get real fuckin close to my monitor to see the beast

#i honest to god cant tell what that thing is #torasks #link autism 100 #hi link :] what creature did you just put in my house