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graceloveswolves · 2 years

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Hey!! I love your little series for Paul and while we wait for the next part, i wanted to request for Carlisle. Where his human girlfriend wants to have a baby before being turn, and yes she saw everything bella went through but she's sure she can make it and she trust carlisle to turn her in time. But of course at first he say no, and so they fight a lot about it.... Basically a lot of angst but with fluffy happy ending (with said baby being born)

Thank you so much! I’m still working on my Paul series so stay tuned. I might have to go binge Twilight now after writing this LMAO. And yes I agree on Carlisle’s view point. He’s very empathetic but stands strong with his boundaries. I did NOT name the baby because I wouldn’t know what to name it and I wouldn’t want you guys to hate it so… But nonetheless… enjoy this piece :) I so so so appreciate requests!

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Tap. Tap. Tap.

I sighed, setting down my pregnancy test onto my marble countertop.

Negative.

It was useless anyways… being in a room full of vampires all the time, someone was bound to know if I was pregnant before I would anyway. I felt tears run down my face, but I wasn’t sure what kind of tears they were. Was it sad tears? Sadness from not achieving a desired outcome no matter how dangerous and deadly it could be? Was it relief? Relieved that I hadn’t needed to break the news to anyone, no anxiety or dire plans and conversations need to be made? Or hope? Hope that I had more time to figure out what I needed to do and properly take the steps to finally getting my eternal happiness.

Maybe it was all of those things… all the Cullen’s talked about vampires having heighten emotions, yet I was as human as it got and still felt all these emotions flooding me all the time, drowning me in confusion and chaos throughout the days. Sometimes I thought it was a curse, I’ve been cursed with the hope of having what Bella and Edward have. What they achieved to do, to have both a family and an eternity with each other. Eternal peace. Eternal happiness.

What if I didn’t get what they have… I have spent many hours assessing the possible outcomes of my actions. And Ive come to the conclusion that there were three possible outcomes.

First outcome….end up like Edward and Bella. Of course, enduring painful weeks growing my baby, and chancing a rather probable death that will be agonizing and traumatic for everyone. But ending up as a mother, with a beautiful baby of my own and husband. With an eternity to spend with them as they experience the ever changing world together.

Second outcome….end up like Rosalie and Emmett. Turned with the eternity of each other, however also an eternity of knowing I will never be able to experience being a mother. Never to experience building a true family with the love of my life, creating a perfect version of myself and my eternal partner. Like a shadow of despair forever haunting me.

Final outcome…. death. Whether having the baby and dying for good, with not being turned. Or whether I die from my body giving out during the pregnancy. Leaving Carlisle and his family with a hole in their heart, and leaving him with the guilt and pain of our consequences.

Although each outcome was morbidity terrifying in there own way, I just knew if I never tried to have a baby, if I just lived my life without knowing the possibilities I have given up, it would be worse then death. It would be worse not knowing what could have been, and what life I could’ve brought into the world.

However the hardest part wasn’t deciding what the outcomes of having a baby were, whether I was choosing life or death, whether I’d be putting my entire family in danger, hell… having the baby probably wouldn’t be the hardest part either.

It would be Carlisle’s support.

He was a very giving man, very generous and kind. But he had very strong morals, and it took a lot for him to even consider entertaining a relationship with me considering I was a human and he was a vampire. He thought that I deserved a normal happy human life, with another human, with human babies and human problems like mortgages and taxes. But like Bella, I was very stubborn and knew what I wanted.

But nonetheless, this would be a whole other level of fights and long conversations ending with tears and heartbreak. I knew he felt sorrowful not being able to give me human children, I mean I was with him before Edward and Bella even met. We saw them go through almost everything we went through as two different people.

Then Bella got pregnant…

I would never forget the day we all found out, the weeks of anxiety and anger that echoed off the walls of our house for what felt like years. The bruises and broken ribs Carlisle had to fix and the blood we had to ration during the tough times. But also, the joy and excitement Bella had. Even as she was looking death in the face and spending day after day in pain, she was never scared. She was so hopeful and sure that everything would work out.

And she was right.

Amazingly, everything worked out for her in the end. She got her beautiful Renesmee, and her husband right along with her. Sure we had to go through the fits of the Volturi, but in the end it all worked out.

This sparked conversations and arguments between Carlisle and myself, many days and nights where I slept alone, sometimes in tears. I had Rosalie’s support naturally, I knew where her heart lied and it wasn’t necessarily with my happiness, but I knew if I ever were to meet death, my baby would be in safe hands.

Then there was Bella herself, who I also had the support of. Considering she went through the situation herself, with barely any support or knowledge of what could happen. She had a few conversations and advice for me and agreed I should try if I was able to accept the possible consequences.

However, Carlisle and his sons had the same viewpoint as him. They didn’t see the need to risk Carlisle’s eternal happiness with me for a small chance of having a baby. Alice too, was iffy on the situation. She saw the future and saw many different outcomes, some even including my own death.

Anyways, I simply tossed the negative test in the trash without a second look. As I wiped my tears with the back of my hand, I walked out of my room that was in my own house separate from Carlisle’s house. I barely came here, it was tiny and already paid off. But it still came in handy when I was just having human days and needed privacy. Or time to just think and be human without my adopted children or boyfriend being concerned. I was thinking I was pregnant, so I took a few days to myself at my house with a pregnancy test just in case.

But humans get old, and in the back of my mind I knew that I was running out of time for children. And I knew that turning me was in the back of Carlisle’s mind. We talked about it, a lot. And he did agree to it, but the problem was that I wanted to try for a baby before that happened. He knew that, everyone else knew it, it was just something I didn’t want to let go. Of course he opted for me to have a baby with another human or a sperm donor, caring more about my health and safety then blood relation. I mean none of his children now are related to him blood wise so obviously it wasn’t a problem for him.

But he knew that wasn’t going to work for me. But I know he still hoped I would give it up and just make peace with it.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.

I felt my phone vibrating and dancing slightly on my dresser by my bed. I walked over to it and picked it up, already having a feeling of who it was.

“Hello?” I answered sweetly over the phone, which I was met with that familiar voice. “Y/n, I was missing your voice, I am guessing you are at your home. Is everything alright?” I heard Carlisle question gently. “Oh yeah, I was just taking out the trash and making sure this house is still standing.” I half joked, hoping to sway him into thinking everything really was alright.

“Well, Alice and I really miss you. I hope you plan on coming home eventually.” He teased, in which my heart dropped. “Yes of course, I’ll be there shortly. Just have to sort the mail and I’ll be done.” I lied, partly, he didn’t need to know I did that two days ago. “Okay. I love you Y/N, drive safe.” He replied, as I agreed and said the I love you too and goodbye before hanging up.

Well, Alice and I really miss you.

Shit. He knows. Carlisle was always the one for gentleness. That was his way of saying I know what you’re really doing at the house, without actually saying it. I mentally scold Alice, you would think a girl would have another girls back. But considering she doesn’t agree with me having Carlisle’s baby, and then having a vision of me taking a pregnancy test doesn’t really surprise me she would tell him.

Jokes on him though, the test was negative so whatever panic and worry he’s going through right now will shortly be ended when I get to the house. But this was too quick for Alice to have a vision just moments after I took the test. He must have been asking her to look out for me. Which granted, was sneaky, but seemed to have been a page he took out of Edward’s book. Apples and trees one would assume.

****

I sighed, taking my car keys out of the ignition and took a deep breath.

Keep the tears in. Don’t let it show. You have psychic children who can read your thoughts and emotions.

I somewhat laugh at that thought, knowing I couldn’t say it aloud thanks to their super hearing, I smiled to myself loving my dysfunctional family even when the odds aren’t in my favor and they turn against me for their adopted father.

Once I step inside I feel my heart rise, it was off. All the children are in the room, sitting down looking worried. I say children as if they aren’t old enough to be my ancestors, but still. Surely Alice didn’t tell the entire family what’s going on in my uterus. Which, as a matter of fact, wasn’t much of her business to begin with.

“Y/n dear, won’t you come with me.” My love, Carlisle greeted, opening his arm out in a gesturing way. All his children eyeing me quietly, they sat so still like stone statues. Something was definitely off.

“Is everything okay? You guys look spooked.” I questioned, looking at Edward and Bella, who were the only relaxed ones there. “Where’s Nessie?” I look to Bella. “She’s with Jake. They are doing some painting class on the Res today. They’ll be back later.” Bella smiled, looking towards Edward with that look she’s had ever since he brought her home.

“I think we should just get to the point.” Rosalie anxiously interrupted sharply, before fixing her posture and smiling softly to try and recover from her abrupt remark. “Rose.” Edward cut off, scolding a little at her, which she didn’t even bother to look back at him.

“Get to what point?” I softly asked, more worried that this was more then just one of Alice’s visions of me. Was he kicking me out? Did something happen with the Wolves? Well no, not if Nessie was on the Res. Certainly Edward wouldn’t let that stand.

“Well, is there perhaps anything you would like to share before we begin?” Carlisle questioned calmly, with a soft face, and gentle eyes, no accusing stares or anger from him. So I wasn’t in trouble, and it most likely was about the test I took this morning. But I didn’t think this involved a family meeting, but then again with their super hearing I suppose there wasn’t any point for privacy anyhow.

“I took a pregnancy test. But it was negative. I’m sorry if I scared you guys.” I half apologized, however had a bit of fire in my tone. It wasn’t something I was exactly proud to spit out in front of my boyfriends children which half of, consisted of males. But the faces in the room looked confused, and twisted with uncertainty.

Oops. Maybe this isn’t what that was about.

Well that’s embarrassing, but I seriously couldn’t have thought of anything else I could have done to be trialed against the family like this.

“But that’s not possible. I thought you said-“

“Rose.” Emmett cut her off, as they all looked to Alice and Carlisle.

“My visions are from the future, it could still be too early for a positive test.” Alice defensively stated, taking a closer step to me.

“Yeah but we don’t know if it would even show up. I didn’t take one when I was pregnant with Renesmee.” Bella said across from the couch next to Edward, who was staring at me, no doubt reading my mind.

“Is this possible?” Rosalie asked, a glint of hope in her eyes as she looked to Carlisle.

“I don’t sense a heartbeat”

“It takes 4 weeks for a heartbeat”

“Again. Future.”

“She truly didn’t know. She’s not lying about the test”

“What part of future do you not get?”

“We still got time if we caught it ea-“

“That’s NOT your choice.”

“Woah. Everyone. Please does anyone care to fill me in?” I exclaim, feeling overwhelmed by all the familiar voices talking at once. They all suddenly go dead silent, looking over at their adoptive dad for permission.

I looked over at Carlisle who looks pained, and worried. But he also manages to look calm and lovingly at me. “Y/n my love, this morning Alice had a vision. You were pregnant, and you decided to keep it.” He carefully chose his words.

“Pregnant?” I choked out, suddenly feeling very cold and nauseous. However, I also felt like I could do a thousand cartwheels of joy. Rosalie stepped up and was at my side in seconds, grasping my shoulder gently. “Here, sit down.” She guided me back down to where she was previously sitting.

“Pregnant?” I whispered to myself again, not really processing what was going on around me. “That we know of, you could not be pregnant right now. There’s one way to know for sure though.” Carlisle explained, referring to the ultrasound machine that still lied up in the room where Bella spent a lot of time in when she was pregnant.

“Do you want to go see your baby?” Rosalie smiled, excitedly rubbing up and down my arms gently. “Rose we don’t know yet.” Edward replied, a hand on Bella’s shoulder. “Oh I know she is, I can tell. She’s glowing.” Rosalie snapped back joyfully, still smiling at me with hope.

And soon enough, it was Carlisle and I, in the empty room, with dead silence as he set up the machine. Emmett had to practically pry Rosalie from the room, and she was undoubtedly near by the closed door outside the room, listening to every word.

“You don’t seem excited.” I carefully pressed, acknowledging his nervousness. “I could have just potentially killed the only woman I’ve ever loved.” Carlisle replied, but not in a harsh way with any malice tone towards me, but rather himself.

“There is still a chance I’ll be fine. Bella made it, and we have more knowledge now.” I tried to reassure. But he didn’t seem to pay much attention to my words. “Y/n, love, nothing is worth risking your life to me. Nothing.” He grabbed a bottle that resembled gel.

“This might be cold.”

I nodded, my shirt already lifted up, as I laid down on the chair. “I do hope, I could talk to you into looking towards alternative choices. If you are pregnant.” He spoke, as his eyes were glued to the screen as he pressed slightly on my stomach with the camera.

“I can’t believe you.” I angrily stated, looking at the gray and white screen, trying to soak up the moment and not let Carlisle dampen my hope. It didn’t help I didn’t really know what I was looking at, the only ever time I saw one of these was when Bella was pregnant. I looked up at Carlisle, hoping I could find some sort of answer on his face.

“Dammit.” I heard him whisper. Before lifting up the piece of plastic on my belly and setting it down, shutting his eyes. I felt happiness surge me, warming me up from head to toe.

I was going to be a mother.

“By the looks of it, you are about two-three weeks pregnant.” He quietly said, not making eye contact with me. His hands were holding the end of the machine in a deadly grip. I reached over and grabbed one of his hands, he instantly relaxed his hand and let me hold it. I looked up at him and smiled happily, waiting for him to look at me back.

“It’s okay. I know we can do this, we are going to have a baby. Your going to be a dad, after all these years.” I reminded him, suddenly realizing how Bella was so happy and optimistic. I was bringing a life into this world, I was going to give Carlisle a baby after centuries of him never thinking he would be a biological father.

“I know you are happy Y/n, but I don’t want you to have to go through what Bella did knowing that I did this to you. And we barely got to Bella in time, what if it doesn’t work? I would have killed you. I can’t bare living eternity knowing I did that to you.”

“You didn’t do anything Carlisle, I chose this. I know what I’m getting myself into, I was there with Bella. And this time we don’t have to worry about facing a war with the wolves or the Volturi. We don’t have to worry about getting blood, we can do this. I know you’re scared, but I’m not. I have never felt so happy and hopeful, I know it won’t be easy but look at Edward and Bella, they have a daughter, and we could have that too.”

He looks down at me, just staring at me with a sorrowful gaze. It was just silence between us for a few moments, it looked as if he wanted to say a million things, but then thought against it. He held onto my hand, then rested my own hand on my stomach before letting it go.

“I’m not going to tell you what to do with your own body. But I don’t support this decision y/n.” And with that, he walked out of the room. Leaving the door open, and leaving me in quiet thoughts by myself. I looked down at my stomach where my baby was growing, I smiled happily to myself,

My baby.

It felt so surreal and powerful, knowing I had Carlisle’s baby inside me, a vampires baby. I knew I should feel at least a little bit scared, knowing the bruising and broken bones that were about to come, but I couldn’t help but not fear it even a little bit. I fought so hard for this baby and I knew I could handle it, I had Bella and Rosalie, and that’s more support then Bella ever had when she was pregnant herself.

“Are you okay?”

I turned my head to the sweet voice that broke the silent room. It was Rose, her beautiful blonde hair appearing from the door. She had a smile on her face, and glowing eyes of joy. And behind her stood Bella, her tiny frame almost impossible to see behind Rosalie. I smiled, nodding to the two vampires, and gesturing them to come in.

“I guess it’s time to pick some names.” Bella responded, light heartedly trying to soften the mood. “I hope it’s another girl.” Rosalie said, resting a soft hand on my shoulder, glancing at the now turned off machine. “Carlisle will come around, he may not support your decision… but he will always support you. He loves you, we all have seen it.” Rosalie reassures, lifting me up slightly.

“Now, what would you like to eat?”

*****

It wasn’t long before my stomach started to swell up. Bella was right, it was not a human pregnancy, it was a lot faster. I looked about 6 months pregnant, my belly was slightly bruised like Bella’s was, but I had been on blood supplements sooner then she had so it was much easier.

Rosalie and I were shopping almost everyday for baby clothes until I started getting really big. Then we opted for online shopping, and eventually Alice came around and started being more involved, claiming if the baby was going to be born then it was going to be born into fashion properly.

Jasper and Emmett were betting on the baby’s gender, Jasper and Edward thought it was a boy and Emmett was on team girl with Rosalie and Alice. They have all voted on names and clothes, like a regular normal family. Nessie was excited to get a aunt/uncle however, for her sake we just said cousin, no need for technicalities.

Then there was Carlisle, who like Rosalie said, did come around. He was always by my side, asking me a thousand questions and making sure I was comfortable, not too hot or cold, if I was hungry, if I was tired, if the baby was kicking, etc.

He was even dare I say it….excited. He told a few of his close friends about the baby and would go upstairs with me everyday to get ultrasound pictures of the baby and tape them in a photo album book he had. His hands would always be gently around my belly or on my hand, asking me how I felt and how the baby felt. Carlisle also had everything planned out and written down, he was very determined for everything to go smoothly and as easy as possible.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a broken rib here and there, and it did hurt. My stomach felt like it would burst at times, the bruised skin needed ice packs and heating pads at times. But it was a magical feeling, I knew I was doing something incredible and almost impossible.

And I knew I was getting close to the due date, we estimated it with the help of a Bella’s pregnancy even though her birth was an emergency. I wasn’t scared, or nervous. I knew that what was meant to be would be and that panicking would solve nothing or help anything. I did sense Carlisle’s nervousness though, and we had many conversations the closer it got to birth, he tried to stay strong and calm collected for my own sake, but there wasn’t a need. I had everything I wanted.

Alice had looked at my future numerous of times, and the closer the date came, the more visions she got of me living and surviving the birth, then being turned into a vampire. She of course, along with Edward, were the only two that knew the baby’s gender. I voted for it to be a surprise, and Carlisle agreed with it.

Rosalie and Alice had renovated one of the spare rooms into a nursery, using gray since it was a neutral color and there was no spoilers before I had the baby. They were both so excited, Rosalie especially. And Bella put together everything I would need for the baby, and prepped multiple bags and shelves with baby supplies and toddler stuff since my baby would not stay a baby for very long.

Emmett and Jasper even built a little play ground out in the back of the woods for Renesmee and my baby, which certainly made Nessie happy. And Edward would come by and sit with me, telling me what if felt like to read by baby’s mind. Reminiscing when it was Bella and his baby and what it was like to read his baby’s thoughts.

Everything was perfect, it couldn’t have been better.

****

Today was the day. I was going to give birth to my miracle baby, Carlisle had did the measurements and all the tests and scans and the baby was ready to come out. And fingers crossed, that it would go a lot more smoothly then Bella’s birth.

Everyone was nervous and jittery, Jasper had me questioning if he was using his mojo on me or Carlisle, probably both. But everything was set and most the family was sitting in the room with us. It was very quite and very calm, they all gave reassuring looks and feedback during the set up of the room. Carlisle was just done setting everything up then quietly looked my way.

“Are you okay?” He stated,

“If this-“

“When” I cut my lover off, looking up at him and holding his hand confidently before finishing.

“When this works out, yes, I know this is my last moment as a human. You will use the morphine, and anesthesia to put me out and then perform the C section, then turn me once the baby is out. It’s fine, you’ve told me a million of times. I’m ready.”

He looked down lovingly at me and gently rested his hand on my abnormally swollen belly. Taking in the last few moments with his human girlfriend before our baby was brought into the world.

“Are you ready?” I questioned, raising my eyebrows playfully. He smiled, before stroking my head with his icy cold hand. “Ready as I can be.” I heard his voice as he walked behind me to the machines.

I looked up at Rosalie and Bella, who were in the chairs next to me, while Alice and Edward stood behind me with Carlisle. They all looked very intense and stiff. “Alright guys. I guess I’ll see you on the other side. Take lots of pictures of my baby, Rose, make sure you share.” I joked, getting a few laughs out of my soon-to-be vampire family. Hoping to lighten the mood before I get put out.

I felt Carlisle’s hand on my shoulder, slowly guiding me to lay down on the table I was sat on. I looked up at the white ceiling, taking in the last few seconds of my humanity. I rose my hands and lifted my chin to take one last look of my pregnant belly, and felt Carlisle inject a cold fluid in my IV.

I turned my head to the side to look at him, he had one hand out, which was holding my closest hand. I didn’t even notice when he went to grab it. Then he took one last look at me, and whispered something. I couldn’t seem to catch what it was, already feeling the effects of the anesthesia.

I laid my head back on the table and noticed the ceiling getting darker, and darker. I also felt the sleepy euphoria take over my body. Then I closed my eyes and was met with darkness, my last thought of a face that I knew all too well.

Carlisle.

“I love you Carlisle.” I managed to get out before the darkness consumed me.

****

I woke up, suddenly conscious. However, it was odd. I didn’t feel groggy, or stiff. I felt alive, fresh, if you will. I felt as if I could hear every speck of dust fall inside the room I was in.

Room.

I looked around, it was a room I was unfamiliar with. It was a room with four pastel blue walls decorated with shelves full of wooden animals and plastic toys. Besides me was an old fashion white crib, with distrusted blue blankets. I was lying on a bed that looked as if was brand new, with freshly new sheets that smelt of soap and linen. Then I heard a swift sound of someone entering the room.

“Y/n. You’re awake.”

I looked up at my love, Carlisle, who had a biggest smile on his face and looked as if he would start crying. I studied him harder, I could see every piece of blonde hair on his head and every crease in his clothes. “Wow.” Was all I mustered out, soaking up the newly senses of being a vampire.

He chuckled, taking a step towards me and extending his hand. I looked down at it and could smell something, it was a mix of daisies and soap. I could also sense the warmth from it. “You have been holding the baby.” I almost cried out, looking around the room once more. Which was obviously the nursery, covered in blue.

“I’m gonna take a wild guess and say it’s a boy.” I finished, motioning quite fast around room. In which he laughed again, nodding as he took his hand in line. “How did you know.” He said before He wrapped me into a hug, in which I succeeded in not crushing him in half, which was something Bella managed to remind me about before I went under.

“I want to see him. Please.”

Carlisle looked down at me and then motioned something in the room beside us. I didn’t seem to notice it before, but now that I did I felt like a fire had arisen up my throat. I felt like tearing it to pieces and getting inside of it. It was a fridge, and I didn’t need to open it to know it was full of blood.

“Ladies first.” I heard him say, as milliseconds went by and almost ripped the door straight off the hinges and tore into a bag. It tasted amazing, to say at the least but I could tell it was animal blood. Which was good enough for me, the sooner I finished this bag the sooner I could hold my son for the first time.

“I figured you’d want to see the baby as soon as you could.” Carlisle said, gently closing the fridge behind me, motioning towards the fridge. “But after you do, we can go out and hunt down some fresh blood.” He continued, as he started leading me out the door. “How is he?” I asked, referring to my baby, looking around the halls that seemed totally different then before. I could see every speckle on the wall and hear every creak underneath our feet that I never heard before. “Great, it’s only been two days. Rosalie is soaking up his attention right now.”

We walked downstairs into the living room where I saw all my family sitting around a tiny wrapped up figure in Rosalie’s arms. They all looked at me and a few smiled while Emmett greeted me. “Hey y/n, good news, definitely not the milk man’s baby.” While Bella punched his side playfully. A few laughs came out from Jasper and Edward.

“Oh good, had me worried there for a minute. It’s not like it was an abnormal pregnancy.” I joked back, making my way towards the blue ball of blanket. Rosalie looked up to me and then lifted the baby towards me, laying him gently in my arms. I was taken aback in shock. The baby was quite literally a spitting image of Carlisle, from his hair to his cheek bones, I didn’t see a hint of my genes in him.

“Wow. Talk about Carlisle.” I concurred, cradling my baby in my arms. He was perfect, he had his tiny little eyes closed, with his beautiful little puffy cheeks, and his bleach blonde hair that was more like fuzz then anything. I could feel his warmth seep into my arms and chest, he definitely had human in him. But that’s about the only thing he seemed to get from me.

I looked up at Carlisle who was watching me and our baby. “I told you I could do it.” I teased, taking my eyes back onto my baby. Who just started to open his eyes. He cooed, reaching up towards me with a faint smile. I looked down giggling a bit, rocking him.

“Why hello love, welcome to the world.”

And in that moment, I knew I had everything I could ever have.

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whiskey-tango-matcha · 4 months

Text

Three (m/m, cold)

And now, for something completely different.

Well, not completely - it's still a cold fic lol. This one is specifically for @ghostlychill who has asked for more Matt and Mark. This is basically the saga of how they ended up together, and it is certainly out of my wheelhouse because it actually has romance lmao. A pre-warning, this is plot heavy (for me) and a little sneeze light. There are a few Greyson cold sneezes, and Matt is sick for the latter half, but it's more of a romance sickfic than a true snz fic. But I hope you like it if you read it; let me know if you all want more Matt and Mark. They were honestly really fun to write, and I banged this monster of a fic out in just a few hours so the muse was musing.

Ok, done rambling. Enjoy :)

CW: Male, M/M (not sexually explicit, just kissing), colds, contagion, coughing, fevers, light mess. 4.3k words under the cut.

Three

Their first kiss was an accident.

Post-brunch. Pre-holidays. “Grab a beer?” Mark had asked as Matt stuffed his dirty chef coat into his backpack. It had become a bit of a ritual for the two of them to grab a drink after a long shift in the past few weeks; usually it was under cover of darkness, but this brunch had been particularly brutal and Matt was craving not just a beverage, but some commiseration. He shrugged, hoisted his backpack onto a shoulder.

“Sure. You’ve got first round.”

One round had quickly turned to two, then three, and before five pm hit they were drunkenly crashing their pint glasses into each other and talking much louder than the half-full pub required to be heard. Matt drained his fifth beer and looked to Mark, smiling sloppily. “One more?” he asked.

Mark pushed his hair out of his face and leaned his head into one hand, taking the other man in. “If it’ll keep you in my line of sight,” he said, emboldened by booze, “I’ll stay here all night long.”

When the bartender finally kicked them out around eight, the two men were so drunk they had to use one another as walking sticks to get down the block.

“We’re way too drunk to be on the street,” Mark laughed, putting a hand over one eye. “I’m seeing, like… quadruple.”

“That’s wild, ‘cause I can’t see at all,” Matt said, looping his arm through Mark’s. The two of them laughed and stumbled until they hit a bench near well-lit central park and flopped down.

“I can’t remember where I live,” Matt admitted, placing his head on Mark’s shoulder. Their arms had stayed looped. Mark gently placed his head atop Matt’s.

“Me either,” he said. “But… can I tell you a secret?”

Matt looked up. Nodded.

“I don’t want to go home,” Mark said, letting a slow smile spread across his face. Matt felt his cheeks flame; he let a beat pass before he smiled back.

“Me either,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Later, they wouldn’t remember who initiated it. All they would remember was when their lips pressed together, everything else melted away.

***

“Oh! Oh, shit, fuck, sorry guys I didn’t -”

“Chef, shit! Oh, fuckin’ hell -”

Greyson slammed the door to the bathroom shut, leaving Matt and Mark to stare at one another, eyes wide as saucers – the silence between them thick as the cigarette smoke that hung in the air outside that little room.

Finally, Mark broke the silence. “Um… do you think he saw anything?”

Matt couldn’t help it; he barked out a laugh. Mark slapped a hand across the other man’s mouth, making him laugh even harder. He really didn’t know what he’d been thinking following Mark in here in the first place.

Much like the stupid party they were hiding from in the bathroom, their second kiss was clearly a mistake.

The New Year’s Eve party had been Elijah’s idea, much to the surprise of literally everyone at the restaurant.

“What?” Elijah had asked when his announcement during pre-shift had been met with a stunned silence. “I thought you all loved parties!”

The servers and cooks eyed one another in a way they all hoped wasn’t completely obvious, until finally Greyson said what everyone was thinking. “Boss, yeah, everyone loves parties… except you.”

Elijah had scoffed at this. “You guys obviously don’t really know me; I love parties.”

Of course, Elijah didn’t love parties and it ended up moving from his roomy condo to Greyson’s tiny Brooklyn apartment at the last minute. Post-service on New Year’s Eve, Matt helped his boss load extra bottles of champagne, vodka, and tequila into the back of the restaurant’s van all while Greyson grumbled about Elijah.

“Fuckin’ Elijah,” Greyson said for about the fiftieth time that evening. “Why the fuck would he even mention a party if he wasn’t a thousand percent sure he wanted to ho – hh-”

Matt glanced up at his boss, who held an arm midair in anticipation. This was the real reason Greyson, who threw parties at his place at least three times a year, was pissed about having to host the work shindig: he was sick.

“Hh-! HhhITSZZH-ue!” Greyson folded over into his elbow, sniffled, and cleared his throat.

“Bless,” Matt offered, placing the rest of the alcohol into the back of the car. “Chef, I’m sure that everyone will understand if you don’t feel up to having twenty people in your apartment. There’re tons of parties right around here, why don’t you just… call it off?”

Greyson, stubborn as ever, just shook his head. “I said I’d do it. They’re already on their way.”

So Matt loaded into the van with Greyson, and Mark got in Elijah’s car with the GM while the rest of the staff hopped on the subway for the party that no one really wanted to be at. Greyson, who’d been able to keep his illness at bay for most of the shift thanks mostly to the Sudafed he kept slamming, started coming down hard the moment they began their drive to Brooklyn.

“Hh...hhITSZZH-ue! Huh-! ETSZH-ue! Fuck mbe,” Greyson muttered, using his sleeve to wipe under his nose with one hand while he drove through the busy Manhattan streets with the other.

“Um… do you want to pull over so I can drive?” Matt asked, a little more pointed than his boss was used to him being. Greyson shot his sous chef a look.

“Ndo,” he said. “I’ve got it.”

Matt was hardly a germaphobe – working in a kitchen bred that out of you pretty quickly – but he couldn’t help but cringe away with every sneeze and cough that came from his boss’s side of the car. He found himself thinking about Mark; they had plans to hang out in just a few days, plans that both of them had been forced to cancel multiple times already, and Matt could just feel Greyson’s germs making themselves at home inside his body. He really didn’t want to cancel on Mark again; he wasn’t exactly sure what they were, what he wanted them to be, or what Mark thought they were, but whatever it was, he didn’t want to fuck it up. Matt was entirely too good at fucking up a good thing.

“HRRSHH-ue!” Clearly, that one snuck up on him, because that time Greyson barely covered his mouth. Matt shrank into the door and considered pulling his shirt over his nose and mouth in a desperate attempt to keep his boss from infecting him. Greyson glanced over at Matt and coughed out a laugh.

“Sorry, kid,” he said, patting Matt’s leg, “but you’re probably already fucked.”

Eventually, they made it to Greyson’s walk-up and after what felt like an eon, they got everything inside. Elijah immediately recruited Mark to help pour champagne for everyone, and Greyson left his sous to go outside and smoke on the patio – Matt had no choice but to just start drinking.

By the time the cooks and servers made it to Greyson’s apartment, Matt was half in the bag. He floated sloppily from group to group, telling jokes and prompting everyone to take shots with him, all while keeping one eye on Mark at all times. Elijah had been keeping his liege busy; Mark was bartending, putting appetizers in the oven, picking up trash… everything except hanging out with Matt. So when he finally got to take a bathroom break, Matt threw back his tequila soda and, emboldened by liquor, followed behind him.

“Hey, it’s occ-” Mark started to say when the bathroom door opened right on his heels – but he was cut off when Matt swung him around, grabbed his face in both hands, stood on his tiptoes, and pressed his lips firmly on the other man’s.

Mark certainly wasn’t pulling away; in fact, the moment their lips touched, Mark grabbed Matt by the hips and lifted him onto Greyson’s tiny vanity to make the kiss easier on both of them. Matt pulled away for just a moment to look at Mark – his black-framed glasses were askew, his hair was wild from Matt’s hands coursing through it, and his face was flushed with lust. Matt was sure he’d never seen anyone so beautiful.

“What was that for?” Mark asked, his voice low. Matt’s face cracked into a smile.

“I haven’t gotten to spend any time with you tonight,” he said, pushing Mark’s hair away from his face. “And I’m probably gonna have to cancel our plans on Monday.”

Mark’s brows knit together, confused. “Why?” he asked. “Is this, like, a fare-thee-well, this is the last time this will happen kiss situation?”

Matt laughed, shook his head. “No,” he said, cocking his head towards the door, where the party rumbled outside. “I’m, like, 99% sure Greyson infected me with his disgusting illness on the long-ass drive over here. I wouldn’t force you to hang out with me when I’m inevitably sick.” He shrugged. “So I figured I’d sneak some time with you where I could.”

Matt didn’t wait for Mark’s response about his impending doom; he just leaned in again. This time, Mark parted his lips and slid his tongue in to meet Matt’s. Matt allowed a quiet moan to escape his lips, let his hand feel its way down to Mark’s shirt, and began unbuttoning when the door flew open once more.

“Oh!”

Greyson.

***

“Chef, I am not in the mood today.”

“Oh c’mon, if I can’t poke fun at your drunken antics then what’s even the point of living? You make fun of my drunken antics all the time.”

Matt put down his knife and gave his boss a pointed look. “Yeah, maybe for like a day after they go down, but New Year’s was three days ago. Are you planning on ever letting it go?”

Greyson shrugged as he pushed onions into a deli container and snapped the lid shut. “Probably not. I mean, it’s just too good – caught red handed in my bathroom. Like, it couldn’t have happened more perfectly if I wrote it myself.”

Matt rolled his eyes; while Greyson living for his embarrassment was annoying, it was kind of the last thing on his mind. He couldn’t stop thinking about Mark – after the bathroom kiss situation went down, he’d slipped out of the party and hadn’t mentioned anything about it to Matt since. Matt assumed he wanted to put it out of his head. Maybe the kiss – both of the kisses – hadn’t felt to Mark like they did to Matt. Maybe Mark was put off by how drunk Matt had been both times. Maybe he just wasn’t into him.

All Matt knew was, he desperately wanted to talk to Mark – but despite working the same hours in the same tiny restaurant, Mark had managed to avoid him like the plague.

Speaking of which.

“HTSHH-uh! Hh! Hh’ITSHH-uh! ETZSH-ue!” Matt turned away from the food to sneeze into his shoulder, then his hand, then finally his elbow. Greyson stepped over and plucked Matt’s knife out of his hand while the younger man was compromised.

“You’ll take someone’s eye out that way,” he chastised, placing the knife on Matt’s cutting board. The sous rolled his eyes, sucked in through his nose, and trudged to the sink to wash his hands.

“I don’t want to hear it from you, Chef. You’re the fucking plague rat of this restaurant,” Matt murmured, pulling a hand down his face. This was the other issue: Matt and Mark were supposed to hang out tomorrow, but just as he predicted, Matt had been gifted the cold Greyson had on New Year’s. If Mark didn’t want to talk to him when he was healthy and just a few steps away, he certainly wouldn’t be traversing the city tomorrow to hang out with Matt when he was fever-addled and snot-ridden.

“Rude,” Greyson said, continuing his prep. “But not entirely untrue. Sorry you’re sick.”

“Whatever,” Matt grumbled, his bad mood amplified by his pounding head. “Can you just drop the bathroom situation?”

Greyson bit his cheek to keep from smiling. “I can certainly try.”

Matt knew that meant ‘no’, but he’d take what he could get. He picked his knife back up to start chopping broccoli, but almost cut himself when Mark slipped into the back kitchen.

“Chef?” he asked, prompting both Greyson and Matt’s heads to shoot up. Matt’s face flamed when Greyson swiveled his head to meet his sous’ eyes with a cheeky grin – he put his head back down, pretending to focus on his work.

“Yes, Mark, how can I assist you?” Greyson asked, wiping his hands on the towel next to his cutting board. Matt felt Mark shoot a quick glance his way; his cheeks burned with the knowledge.

“Elijah is looking for you. Says he has a question about tonight’s ten-top with the prixe fix?”

Greyson rolled his eyes, but abandoned his prep for the moment. “When doesn’t Elijah have a question about a prixe fix?” he asked to no one in particular. “I’ll go talk to him. Thanks.”

The chef exited the back kitchen, leaving a sniffling Matt and a stuck-in-place Mark in his wake. Matt was the first to break the silence – unwillingly.

“Hh-! NTSHH-uh!” The sous attempted to stifle a sneeze into his palm, but only succeeded in making a mess of himself. His face reddened impossibly deeper, and he was forced to put down his knife and head for the sink.

“Bless you,” Mark said as Matt pulled a paper towel from the dispenser and blew his nose. Matt swallowed painfully, washed his hands again, and nodded.

“Thanks,” he said, clearing his throat.

They lapsed into silence once again, neither one looking at the other. “Um,” Mark said, finally, “are you -”

“I have to get this work done,” Matt interrupted, though he couldn’t explain to even himself why he wouldn’t let Mark ask if he was okay. “Have a good shift, okay?”

Mark blinked, taken aback, but nodded. He rubbed the back of his neck with one hand and turned to leave the back kitchen without a word. Matt didn’t let himself watch the other man go.

***

It was like watching a train wreck.

“Matt,” Greyson called from his spot at the expo board. “Where are we at on the halibut for 63?”

Mark’s eyes darted behind the line where Matt was doubled over, coughing into the collar of his chef’s coat. The sous chef had started the evening looking very much under the weather and quite a bit worse for the wear, but now, at nine PM he looked like he was ready to keel over right there on the line. Mark bit the inside of his cheek to keep from saying anything.

“Matt!” Greyson called again, and Matt stood, shakily, to place the likely-overcooked halibut onto its plate. He pushed it through the window and gave his boss a pointed look.

“The food has to cook, Chef, you gotta give mbe a minu – uh! ETSZCH-uhh!” Matt collapsed once again into his collar, righted himself quickly, and sucked in through his nose. “A mbinute,” he finished, his voice cracking.

“Halibut doesn’t take twenty minutes to cook, Chef,” Greyson snapped, snatching the plate from the line. “I expect my number-two to be able to keep ticket times under fifty minutes so the fucking restaurant doesn’t shut the fuck down.” Greyson handed three plates to Mark, who took them wordlessly and slunk out of the kitchen.

Mark dropped the food at its respective table, the guilt of not saying anything to Matt slowly eating away at him. He counted the tables left in the restaurant who still needed to eat – definitely more than he was hoping for. He really, really didn’t want to go back to the kitchen.

“Hey, Lij?” Mark said, approaching his boss at the host stand. Elijah was moving reservations from table to table on the iPad, configuring the remainder of the night.

“Hmm?” Elijah murmured, only half paying attention. Mark pursed his lips, weighing whether he should say anything.

Finally, he said, “Do you think you could ask Greyson to kind of… cool it with Matt? I mean, he seems like he’s really sick and Chef is like… totally berating him.”

Elijah raised an eyebrow and looked away from the iPad to meet Mark’s eyes. “You want me to ask Greyson to stop yelling at Matt… now? In the middle of service, when there are tables who have thirty-plus-minute ticket times?” The GM huffed out a laugh. “Man, Greyson told me about the whole bathroom situation, but I figured you guys were just drunk. I didn’t realize you were down so badly for him.”

Mark’s face flushed crimson; Elijah smirked at him, and turned back to the iPad. “Matt’s a big boy, Mark,” he said, not looking the floor manager in the eye. “He can handle Greyson yelling at him.”

“Yeah,” Mark muttered. “Okay.”

Mark trudged back to the kitchen to grab more food, the sound of Greyson’s frustrated voice hitting him before he could even step foot through the swinging doors.

“Order in! Two filets, two tofu, one halibut! Matt, I swear to God I had better see table twenty-six up in the next three seconds, Chef, it’s already at twenty-two minutes.”

“Yes, Chef,” Matt mumbled, barely loud enough for anyone to hear.

“I can’t hear you, Chef,” Greyson yelled back, tweezering herbs onto a dish.

“Yes, Che – ITZSHH-ue! HRETSZH-ue!” Matt ducked down below the line to sneeze, the sound painful and desperate. Mark could hear the crackling cough he was trying to hide all the way from where he was standing; his heart sunk. He wished like hell that he’d had the balls to say something – anything – to the other man this week. He wished he wasn’t such a fucking baby when it came to his feelings, or relationships, or standing up for himself or anyone else. He wished he was anyone but himself.

“Bless – Chef, do you need to switch spots with me?” Greyson asked, his voice finally softening at the sound of Matt’s coughing.

“Ndo, Chef,” Matt managed, standing. “I’mb fine. Twenty-six, up,” he said, slamming the plates onto the pass.

“Great,” Greyson mumbled. He garnished the plates and shoved them into Mark’s hands. “Twenty-six, go,” he said, not looking at the floor manager.

Mark nodded; he took the plates out into the dining room and dropped them; as he did, he made a promise to himself and, silently, to Matt: maybe there was nothing he could do or say during the shift to make Matt feel any better, but he would figure out a way, post-shift, to do something to help him. He would grow some balls, if it killed him.

While Elijah was still busy looking at reservations, Mark slipped into the bathroom and pulled out his phone. He put in a grocery order, to be picked up at ten the next morning. He typed out a text to Matt, scheduled it to send at the same time he would be picking up the groceries so he wouldn’t be able to wimp out and unschedule it. Then he put his phone back in his pocket, opened the door, and went to finish the shift.

***

His phone was ringing.

Matt groaned as he came to; he was covered in sweat, he could barely breathe, and he was stiff as a fucking board from passing out on his couch. Who the fuck was calling him? It was his one day off, could Greyson not leave him alone for one fucking day?

He grabbed the phone off the coffee table, ready to throw it across the room, when he realized the name on the screen wasn’t his boss’s.

Call from: Mark, Work.

Matt’s stomach jumped into his throat. The phone continued to ring while he squinted at the clock in the corner: ten twenty-three AM. Had he and Mark spoken last night? He could barely remember a fucking thing about the previous night, other than being utterly and completely miserable. The two of them definitely hadn’t spoken; he remembered giving Mark the cold should before service started, remembered the pitying look Mark had given him as Greyson screamed the restaurant down, remembered flying out the door the moment Greyson told him to go. They hadn’t spoken, their plans were obviously off, so why the hell was Mark calling him?

The call went to voicemail. Matt coughed into his elbow, a chesty sound that he really didn’t like, especially since he didn’t have health insurance. After a minute or so, another notification popped up: one new voicemail.

Curiosity got the better of him. Matt opened his phone and hit ‘play’.

“Hey, Matt, it’s um… it’s me. I know this is super weird, like I don’t know why I did it at this point weird, but, uh… I’m outside your building. I texted you, but now I’m realizing you’re probably asleep. Uh… I mean, if you get this I’m gonna, like, hang out out here for a bit. I brought soup! I can’t cook, so it’s from a deli, but I figured you might need something to eat, and you probably don’t want to cook since you’re sick. Your place is nice, by the way. Um. Okay. If you get this, cool, if not, I’ll uh… I’ll leave in a little bit. Okay. Bye.”

Matt felt his heart near-explode in his chest. Mark was sitting outside his building, with soup? What was this, a Hallmark movie?

He did it without thinking; he pulled up his text conversation with Mark and typed, hey, im awake. sorry I missed ur call. ill buzz you up :)

Mark was up the stairs in record time. He knocked, and Matt stood from the couch, forgetting until he was vertical that he was still in his work clothes from last night. Gross, he thought, but it was too late to change now – he took a few shaky steps towards the door and opened up.

Matt barely recognized Mark at first; he was only used to his floor-manager getup, button-downs and ties and slacks, his hair gelled back. Today, Mark wore jeans and a jean jacket over a Brighton University hoodie – did he go to college in England? - with black high-top converse. His curly hair was in his face, and he was carrying two full grocery bags. Mark smiled.

“Hey,” he said. “Can I come in?”

“Yea -” Matt attempted, not realizing his voice was completely shot until he tried to use it for the first time that day. His hand flew to his throat and he attempted to clear it, to no avail. “Shit, sorry, apparently I can’t talk,” he whispered.

Mark pursed his lips, obviously concerned. “That’s okay,” he said, stepping through the front door. He placed the bags on Matt’s tiny kitchen table and began pulling out supplies. “I come bearing gifts.”

There was the soup, like he said, but Mark also pulled out dayquil, and sudafed, and cough drops. He pulled out a box of tissues, bags of tea, and cough syrup – quite literally the whole nine yards. “I didn’t know what you had, so I figured I’d grab one of everything,” Mark said, embarrassed.

Matt didn’t know what to say. “Mark, I – hh! hhIGTSZH-uhh! Hh’TSHH-ue!” Matt crumpled into his elbow to sneeze, hard, and lapsed into a fit of coughing. Mark pushed the cold supplies towards him, smiling a bit.

“Bless you,” he said. “I’m sorry you’re so sick.”

Matt took a moment to blow his nose and uncapped the cough syrup. He chugged a bit, righted himself, and shrugged, embarrassed. “Not your fault,” he croaked. “Thank you for bringing all this.”

“It’s the least I could do,” Mark said, not looking into Matt’s eyes. “I’m really sorry for ignoring you the past few days, Matt. I… I mean, I don’t want to scare you off or anything but I haven’t really had, like, a real relationship in a long time. Like, a really long time.” He looked up, caught Matt’s red, watery eyes in his, and gave up the whole truth. “Like… ever.”

Matt nodded slowly, processing. “So… you don’t hate me?” he asked, the fever tossing to the wayside any filter he might have once had. Mark’s face colored; he laughed.

“I don’t hate you,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Like… I really don’t hate you. I – I mean, I really, really like you, Matt.”

It was Matt’s turn to flush bright red. “Even like this?” he asked, coughing into his fist. Mark smiled.

“Even like that.”

The two of them stood there, smiling twin goofy smiles, for a moment before Matt ducked once again into his elbow.

“Hh – ITSZHH-ue! Guhh.” He wiped his nose on the back of his hand, not caring how disgusting he looked. “I, umb, I really like you too, Mbark,” he said, coughing again. “Like… probably mbore than is normal or rational.”

This time, it was Matt who was caught off-guard. Before he knew what was happening, Mark had his hands on either side of Matt’s hot face and was tipping Matt’s head up to meet his. This one was different; while the first two kisses felt hungry, dangerous, this one was soft; an invitation. A promise of a future yet to come.

Matt pulled away to catch his breath. “You’ll get sick,” he muttered, eyes closed and hands around Mark’s thin frame. Mark tipped Matt’s head up, pushed his sweaty, dishwater blond hair out of his eyes, and pressed their foreheads together.

“I know,” he said, and pressed his lips against Matt’s once again.

Their third kiss – well. That was the one they would tell everyone at the wedding about.

#whiskeyswriting #snz #sickfic #snzfic #coldfic #snez #snzblr #male cold #male snz #m/m #male ocs #contagion #mess #i'd love to hear any feedback good or bad on this one bc i haven't written romance anything in a very long time lol #and idk if this sucks or not lmaooo

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mediumtires · 1 year

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I'm still not over this. How in the world Christian is sharing this and expect us to be okay ? HOW??

I'm also living for Fed to be there as their chaperon 😂 he cannot let these menaces free or chaos will prevail.

It got me thinking now, is Fred going to tease the hell out of Toto at each TP meetings now?

i would like to formally apologise i don’t understand how no one else is losing their mind about this? i am so about to lose my mind?

you’re telling me christian horner and toto wolff shared a flight to melbourne (loooooong flight from the uk) and christian just causally drops that bomb on us like it’s something they do all the time?

i swear the most compelling thing about them is that THEY LIKE EACH OTHER. all the yelling and the one upping and the creating fake scenarios for netflix, the comments, the quotes they feed the press, the mind games, "i don't have to kiss his arse" etc etc etc but at the end of the day they’ve been around the paddock together for over a decade. in 2014/15/16/17/18 they hung around each other ALL THE TIME.

and then 2021 happened and gLoVeS wErE oFf but even after that— may i remind everyone of preseason testing 2022?

this was literally only A FEW WEEKS after that commission meeting where masi got fired relocated. weeks after toto wore a black turtleneck like he’d just buried the w12. and they were acting like giggling schoolgirls twirling their hair and having a laff? are you joking? are you telling me these two whiny conceited big headed team bosses can just forgive and forget?

YES AND ITS BECAUSE THEY LIKE EACH OTHER. toto probably acknowledged what happened in ad wasn’t christian’s fault and christian’s crush on toto is big enough that he could move past merc protesting max's win and getting his bestie michael fired relocated.

and now you’re telling me they’re sharing flights. sure sure. probably because they’re really environmentally conscious. maybe even an accidental booking on a commercial flight. two personal assistants going “whoopsie didn’t check the passenger list sorry”. three if you count in fred but he and toto probably booked that flight together. surely they weren’t plane pooling a private chartered flight. cough cough surely not. these three old rich men (billionaire toto wolff) would totally sit first class on a commercial flight, 17 hours among commoners, before one of the hardest races of the season, one of them with a broken back, one of them blind, and one of them with a tummy ache. these three very rich men would totally suck it up and bite the bullet to make sure their carbon footprints stay as low as possible.

HELL no i don’t believe it for a second. they plane pooled. BECAUSE THEYRE FRIENDS.

christian is the longest serving tp along with franz tost but toto has been around since 2011ish when he first started at williams. they've known each other for A LONG TIME. no other team principals have been around as consistently and continuously as these two. sure some of the current tps have been around the paddock in other roles. and yet with the exception of toto and fred, none of them are "friends".

i am convinced they started hanging out. they must have because they were the two youngest tps around and everyone else was boring (except for maurizio my beloved). they build a rapport. some kind of undefinable bond, not friends, not colleagues, rivals maybe, but there's respect. even if christian won't ever admit to it ever. maybe they don't go to dinner together but I'm convinced they text occasionally, anything between "happy birthday" and "fuck you for buying out my engineer i actually needed that one". also. christian is ceo of a top level performing technology business (lmao) and if there's one thing toto knows it's management and finance. like I cannot imagine they have never had conversations about that. they're both passionate about racing. sure they probably have like hugeeee differences in opinions about certain things but it's because they're both willing to do whatever it takes for their team to win. they must respect that in the other. (their opinions are probably not even that different if we think about it. probably scarily similar actually. this is the problem, they are very much two sides of the same coin. they want their team to win and they’re willing to do pretty much anything to get there. they look at each other and don’t like what they see because they’re literally mirror images.) (THEYRE TOO SIMILAR)

IN CONCLUSION. they like each other. they may not be friends by common definition but THEY ARE SOMETHING. they share flights I rest my case.

(also yes obviously fred makes fun of them all the time it’s how he’s coded)

#christian/toto lore #toto wolff #christian horner #three men one plane

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fishy-lava · 3 months

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pls I need to know about kiseki/trapped

Since both you and @buckystilinski asked out about this one I'll answer both here lol

Ok! So! This one was actually inspired (as many good things are) by a conversation (or several) I had with @morathicain about Ai Di and Zong Yi meeting Tang Yi while in prison and their potential friendship

I can't give you a snippet as it is mostly bulletpoints rn but I can tell you a little of what I would like to have happen instead

I'm still figuring out timeline stuff but I think Zong Yi would meet Tang Yi first during the time before Ai Di joins them and would get along pretty much instantly and Zong Yi introduces Ai Di to him when he gets there and Ai Di is suspicious of him at first but eventually decides he is safe (possibly after Tang Yi protects Zong Yi during a time when they've been separated for some reason and Ai Di cant get to him)

I'd like to go through a few different scenes while they're in prison together of them taking care of/looking out for each other as well as some softer stuff of their more daily routines together (Tang Yi and Zong Yi are both up early every day as part of their lives before and Ai Di is very grumpy about having to also be up so early) and discussions of their respective loves of their lives (because you know these three have so many feelings they need to cope with also I just like thinking about Ai Di making fun of Tang Yi for dating a cop)

Once they all get out (I think I'd like to have Tang Yi get out a few months before them) Tang Yi spends his time with Shao Fei and Hong Ye while Ai Di and Zong Yi get caught up in the rest of the Kiseki plot and they don't see or hear from each other for at least a few months

When they see each other again once everything has settled down it's when Tang Yi and Shao Fei go to Zong Yi's bakery not knowing it's his and find Ai Di sitting inside talking with Chen Yi and Ze Rui as Zong Yi works and Ai Di gets super excited when he sees Tang Yi and runs to go get Zong Yi from the kitchen (meanwhile Chen Yi and Ze Rui are looking at each other like "do you know this guy?? because i sure as hell don't")

Everyone is getting introduced to each other and Tang Yi is like "Oh, this is Chen Yi?" and he and Zong Yi (and Ze Rui probably) team up to tease Ai Di about Chen Yi as payback for all the years they spent listening to his lovesick ramblings lmao

Probably not part of the whole thing but maybe as an extra bit after I like to think they all get invited to the Ze Rui/Zong Yi and Tang Yi/Shao Fei weddings (and maybe Hong Ye's wedding too but also please just imagine Hong Ye and Ai Di interacting with each other it would be so bitchy and fun)

Ok that was very rambly (I really say "and" a lot huh?) I apologize but yeah that's the plans I have for Kiseki/Trapped and I hope you guys have as much fun with it as I do <3

WIP Ask Meme

#asks #wips #bunnakit #buckystilinski

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necrophcge · 11 days

Text

NAME:

Lee

PRONOUNS:

he/him

MOST ACTIVE MUSE(S)?

// Meddles here is technically my most active, but I'm doing stuff behind the scenes for my lads Brom ( @of-forossa ), and Samuel Whist ( @fishermcn ) so I'll add them here too lmao.

RP PET PEEVES?

// Ah hell man, probably a lack of progression when it comes to replies? When I'm writing a thread with someone, I do what I can to make sure they have enough from my own to continue the story we're telling together. So getting a reply in return that doesn't move things forward puts me in kind of a bind y'know? Matching or similar length comes with that as well, though I don't expect folks to match me word for word so much as giving as good as they've gotten!

Communication is also key! I know that it can be uncomfortable or a bit daunting to try to chat with folks you haven't gotten to know all that well, but with threads being something we create together we really should be on the same page. Even just a little update or the like is preferable to total radio silence rofl.

EXPERIENCE / HOW MANY YEARS?

// Shoot, it's probably been about twelve, maybe thirteen years now? Been on here the whole time and have bounced around to a few different fandoms before more or less settling down into the soulsborne community.

FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT?

// I'm definitely an angst kinda guy, though usually in the sense that things are going down or conflict is brewing rather than interpersonal drama. I live for fight-writing and the tension that comes with lives being on the line. Fluff is usually reserved for one and done replies rather than threads because I feel it's more impactful thst way, while smut is... well. I'm getting better at it, but it's definitely my weakest writing of the bunch. That, and I admittedly can get a bit nervous posting it out here in the wild for everyone to see (////-\\\\)

PLOTS OR MEMES?

// Both! Plots and plotting are my preferred go-to for our muses to get to know each other and establish what their relationship will be like going ahead, while with memes I'll usually go ham on a single reply with the intent of further fleshing out what we've pieced together for our muses.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES?

// If you've known me on my other blogs you already know I tend to get long winded XD. Short replies never feel like I've said enough honestly, and by taking the time to get in depth with them I reckon it opens the door wider for potential interactions (memes) or it gives the other person more room to reply with (threads). Least amount I'll do is around two to three paragraphs.

TIME TO WRITE?

// I'd love to tell you folks that I'm a responsible, orderly guy who keeps a good sleep schedule and has a set time for writing. Unfortunately I'm little more than an animal who's as likely to bump out an ask or reply at 4:00 in the morning as I am to post something mid-afternoon. Ideally though... I prefer the evenings for it. More privacy, more time to gather my thoughts and less demands for me personally to have to address.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S)?

// I'm a firm believer in the notion that muns typically have something either in common with or identify strongly with their muses in some form or another, and I'm no exception. Meddles might be a conqueror, cruel and malicious, but struggling against a seemingly impossible task and not wanting to be alone in this world... yeah. Yeah, I can relate to that. It helps me put myself in their shoes and understand them better if there's something about them I identify with.

tagged by: @ferinehuntress (much obliged panda :D)

tagging: @yellowfingcr, @hexenjagd, @bcwblade, @rotten-pest, @izar-tarazed, and you!

#ooc tag.#// not me shamelessly plugging all the lads lmao #// but yeah! this was fun; good way of putting to words some of my processes ^^

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saltynsassy31 · 1 month

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Regarding that Silvaze post. I, of course, can't speak for anyone else, but I can say why I personally fell in love with Silvaze. It's strange, I swear this is like the third time now I've written a response like this to someone asking why people ship Silver and Blaze. I don't want to spend too much time on this, I often get carried away with stuff like this. Ultimately, it comes down to three points:

1. Dynamic - Goofy cringefail boyfriend x stern emotionally-reserved kickass girlfriend, is a fun dynamic. Not to mention I'm a sucker for 'guy who worships his partner like a goddess' archetypes. Lots of fluff potential. That's the fun part, then there's always the angst.

2. Backstory - It's like a damn Greek tragedy! Two people who, in a dark future, only had each other, no home, friends, or hope, just each other. They grow so close that one decides to sacrifice herself for the other. History is reset, memories are erased. Blaze is reborn as a royal in a paradise dimension. Silver is left to relive his life in the apocalypse, only this time all alone. Separated by time and space, memories erased, their life together never existed. And yet! They manage to meet again! And through a strange feeling of deja vu they remember one another! Through muscle memory alone they act in sync without the need for words. AHHHH Like come on, that's writing gold! And that brings us to the final point:

3. Potiental - I would go so far as to call Silvaze a crackship or rare pair, because content for them can be a drought sometimes. It really comes in waves, rather than a constant stream. And canon seems to like to keep them apart which I suppose is poetic in a way, or if they do meet the writers don't really seem interested in their relationship. I think you can count on your hand the number of times they've actually had conversations with each other. Which is a shame. But what often makes me daydream about them, what made me fall in love them is the potential! What if they rediscovered the memories of their previous life? Would Silver be consumed by shame of letting Blaze go when she sacrificed herself for him? Would Blaze feel guilty about leaving her friend behind in a nightmare world while she got to live in a paradise with all the riches and luxuries she could ever ask for? What if we explore their early years in the 06timeline, how they met? Would they be overprotective of each other? Would Blaze offer to shelter Silver in her kingdom to make sure he doesn't have to return and live in his devastated future? What if we explored the whole time travel thing, how it works, can Silver do it on his own? How would they aid each other in their quests? Silver protecting the Sol Kingdom, Blaze returning to the future in hopes of fixing it. There's literally so much you can do with them, they're so interesting!

But those are just my thoughts. Hope this isn't too long. Bye.

Oh dude, don't even WORRY about that, I love long posts! Despite taking forever to reply to them XD

These are some pretty interesting points but that second point....WHAT THE HELL!?! FR!?!

Wait oh my god, I think that has been the biggest revelation to me I'm stumped huh????? Oh god i really have to look deeper into them now wtf

And they have lacking content? That's so unfair! Ugh man, now I wanna try to contribute, I really love them and finding out more about them has only solidified that 😭😭

It's like I can never win with my ships here lmao, I thought I'd be safe with sonamy, only for sonamy to have less than a thousand (completed) fanfics on ao3 with sonado at almost 3k 😭😭 (nothing against sonadow btw, just surprised sonamy doesn't have more)

But I'll try my best do do Sonamy and Silvaze right! I don't have the talent of writing to do nothing with it!

Thank you so much for this small, in depth explanation, I'm really shocked about their past part, this is pretty interesting shit lmao

#salty rants #salty answers

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dr3amofagame · 5 months

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you should share that part of birdhouse ahahahah

sooooo um. plan threesome.

gawd explaining this just makes me sound crazy LMAO there is just too much birdhouse lore. in simplest possible terms, at this point in the birdhouse we have a central cast that revolves around c!dream, j!dream, and j!sam who are all from the same continuity (jmah sam and the dreams from both of his timelines), p!sam and p!dream (from kat and angela's coparent AU) and ff!sam and ff!dream (from kenjo's forced family AU). there's also babies but they're not crucial for this part of the timeline.

point of the matter is that j!dream and p!sam, for like, a long ass time now, have been kind of dancing around each other. p!sam specifically comes from ocean escape ending of coparent so he's gone through Therapy and is kind of a wet paper bag of a man and j!dream is drawn to a sam that's nice, while at the same time having his little tango in hell with j!sam . these three are who plan threesome is about, in a [several hundreds of thousands of words later] branch of the AU where the birdhouse dream apologists (read: everyone but ff!sam and j!Sam) are on the run while j!sam actually ended up in jail. L (and ff!sam dies, who cheered 🥳)

because of Shenanigans, p!sam and j!dream actually end up in a house together separated from the others, and in time end up...in a relationship? and they're pretty happy together (with certain trials and tribulations, after about ummm like, 5+ years together now in the hell house) but their relationship is also um very much predicated on the fact that j!sam is Not There. so when j!sam breaks out of jail after a year and chases them down, the timer over their heads starts to tick ever closer to zero and j!dream develops...A Plan.

see, j!dream has reasons to fear Consequences for both Escaping (tm) and Cheating (tm), of which he's kinda done both. and the problem with Consequences is that while j!Sam will 100% keep him alive, the same doesn't go for anyone else in the vicinity. with a target on p!Sam's back and his Warden drawing ever closer, well, he's gotta make it so that p!sam can be secured by j!sam without being seen as a threat. and so plan threesome comes into existence: surely, surely, he can uhh convince the three of them to get along and live together without an issue. riiiiiiiiight?

(SPOILER: IT GOES REALLY FUCKING BADLY.)

#birdhouse AU #this is so far down the flowchart it's so hard to explain fuck my life #p!sam and j!dream have had a slow burn romance for like literally over a year #my asks !!

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cdyssey · 1 year

Text

Yellowjackets 2.05 Reactions:

The stacks of VHS tapes everywhere in Van’s house/shop are so charming. 😭 The rainbow carpet! The past due bills!

“Parker Posey is my new dream woman. I would marry her today.” So right, bestie.

VAN RECOMMENDING QUEER MOVIES TO PEOPLE. OH, I LOVE HER. VAN’S STORE BEING SAFE FOR QUEER CUSTOMERS!!

Tai collapsing after seeing her ex for the first time in 25 years because she hasn’t slept in, like, five days. Go, girl failure. Give us nothing. <3

Shaunatai friendship moments. 😭 Tai being so gentle with her. I’m actually unwell about them.

“Happy wife, happy life.” I fucking love her.

Atm, Shauna is firmly in nothing-fucking-supernatural-is-happening-here-at-all-camp with Tai and Nat! It’s really interesting that this makes three out of our core four. (I honestly half-suspect that it’s actually four out of four, and teen Misty is just going along with the majority right now to be included.)

Shauna overhearing Lottie creepily prophesy the sex of her baby again and Tai turning around to watch her. 😭

Fucking creepy grown ass detective who is taking this underaged teenager on dates!! Preying on her emotions for a gd case!!!

“I sexually hustled you.” Oh, God, Callie. Go home. ☠️

Good on Callie for figuring out who Matt is by looking at the check!!!! Okay, yes, she absolutely did not need to be having feelings for this man, but also, I feel so bad for her. Everyone this girl cares about hurts her in some unimaginably fucked up way.

“Maybe he did die, and that’s his ghost.” ANANWJJEJWNWDIWWI

Akilah naming the mouse Nugget. ;w;

Misty kissing her and Crystal’s pinky swear. 😭 Mari is 100% manipulating the chore cards.

Callie lying to Matt!!!!!! Oh, God, she’s in it to protect her parents now. Her mom. So fucked up, but so good. All she has wanted this entire time is to feel close to her mother.

“There’s only ever one rule: Win.” Very suspicious line, lmao. I wonder if this is going to end up being Walter’s ethos.

Van immediately knowing that Tai is there about the sleepwalking.

NOT TAI GIVING HER THE BOOB PEN WKQKQKWJEJDJWIEJDJEJD.

THEY WENT TO SHAUNA’S WEDDING. OH, GOD. THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY. And that also means they were together at least for a little bit after returning from the woods. (We know from Jeff’s bro-off with Kevyn that he and Shauna basically got married almost as soon as Shauna got back from the woods. It’s wrenching that Mrs. Taylor was there in so many ways. Wow. For Shauna, who was so entangled with Jackie, and now she’s about to literally live her life. For Jeff, whose two girlfriends died and one of them came back wrong. For Tai and Van and other Yellowjackets if they attended, who had to look at the Taylors and know that they ate their daughter. And even for Mrs. Taylor, a grieving mother. Just one line, but it’s so, so loaded.)

“Promise you won’t freak out.” / “Sure.” / “No.” AJWJWJJWIWJSJDW.

“A fucking cop?” MELANIE LYNSKEY’S EYEBROWS ARCHING EJWJDNS.

CONCERNED PARENTS ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS ABOUT THE COP’S AGE!!! Listen, the Sadecki family is fucked up to hell and back, but I love them.

“So… I did fix it?” / “You-you did that great.” So, so effed up. <33

NAT IS STILL WEARING THOSE GODDAMN LEATHER PANTS. GIRL, YOU’RE GONNA GET AN INFECTION!! This being said, it’s notable that she’s wearing a purple top now.

Akilah being a skeptic too. Also, every time we get a new piece of Akilah lore, I want to die a little inside because it’s so lovely and they’re 100% priming us for her inevitable death. 😭 Her friendship with Tai is so sweet, though.

I love the distinction that Akilah makes here, though—doing the pre-game rituals and going to Lottie’s morning sit-down not because she believes in these things, but because they make her feel good.

“Well, yeah—because you’re totally whipped.” AKKQKQOQIEIEJWJEJDJS. Splashing each other with water. Kids being kids, even in the desolate and unforgiving wilderness. 😭

Oh, God. This Travis/Nat confrontation. So upsetting. Nat immediately fessing up to it is incredible; she’s not a character who likes to deal with lies.

Lottie curling her hand around Nat’s shoulder!!! Gays, we win again.

“Actually, uh, before we go into the black recesses of my soul, I just need a minute.” Same.

MISTYNAT REUNION!!!! What if they kissed between the gate slats. Then what

(I’m sorry. I ship almost all of these women together. I think if this season doesn’t end with ALL of them making out by the fire in Lottie’s compound, it’s a missed opportunity.)

Misty’s look of utter horror as Nat stalks away. She came so far for her.

I know it’s just the effect of Tawny Cypress’s contacts, but Tai’s eyes being slightly red at certain times is just chef’s kiss.

Tai sitting in the chair like a child, knees pulled up to her chest. She looks and sounds so vulnerable, even as she’s trying to be glib.

Misty and Crystal trading secrets back-and-forth QNQKQKKWJE. So funny and so effed up.

You know, I could have done without the shot of the shit and piss being poured out. We can imply that. 😭

KRISTEN. 😭😭😭😭 The fact that she went by the mistaken name just to keep her peers’ approval. So Misty-coded.

OH, GOD. IS MISTY ABOUT TO FUCKING ADMIT TO DESTROYING THE BLACK BOX. NO. NO. NO. THAT MIGHT BE TOO EFFED UP, EVEN FOR KRISTEN.

FUCK, SHE’S GOING TO DO IT.

IT IS TOO FUCKED UP FOR KRISTEN.

“You’re the reason we never got rescued?”

“You’re not that good of an actress.” Fair in this moment, but Misty did slay that Steel Magnolias monologue.

“I’ll… fucking… kill you.” JESUS CHRIST

KRISTEN. OH, MY FUCKING GO D.

I’M LOSING MY SHIT.

GOD, GOD GOD GOD DGOD GOD

I am so FUCKED UP ABOUT THIS.

Directly on the heels of Misty losing her best friend in the wilderness, we get adult Misty reeling over Nat. I am so fucking unwell.

“Maybe Lottie is jealous of what Natalie and I have.” Natalie has two hands, Misty. <3

Walter having done the due diligence of checking to see about Adam’s murder, but coming to the wrong conclusion.

“You think I’m capable of murder?” DIRECTLY ON THE HEELS OF KRISTEN’S DEATH. I’M SO FUCKED UP.

WALTER STILL BEING INTO MISTY EVEN THOUGH HE SUSPECTS SHE’S A MURDERER EJWNDNNE. Listen, I love him, but I think he’s as dead as a doorknob by the end of this season.

“… regardless of your extracurricular activities.” AMQMQKWKDNSSN.

Shauna all dolled up to pretend to have an affair, lmao SNDNSNDNWJNS.

Randy Walsh being such a dumbass is one of my favorite recurring bits. Just stellar.

“After what you and Jeff did, you owe me.” ANQKWJRJWJJWNDJSSN. Where else on television will you find an emotionally unwell, violent MILF who tells her husband’s best friend who blackmailed her friends to go jerk off into a trash can? Go on, tell me.

“Hey. Don’t you you dare think about me.” AKQKQOOQJEEIENNWIEIWKWJDNNENEJD. SOBBING.

Tai playing the mediator between Lottie and Shauna.

NOT TAISSA SNOOPING THROUGH VAN’S MEDICINE CABINETS. GIRL FAILURE, DON’T SCREW THIS UP A SECOND TIME.

Van having cared for her mother—despite everything—in the last years of her life. Goddamn.

“I’m mixing my pop culture metaphors ‘cause I’m fucking upset!” AWKWKWKJEDJWJ. Lauren Ambrose is killing it.

“I’m losing my fucking mind, and I’m terrified!” GOD, THAT WAS VISCERAL. The way she can’t admit to not having been this afraid since the woods. The way she can’t ask for help because she doesn’t want to hurt any other people that she loves. She still loves Van . Absolutely fucking devastating.

Tai breaking down in sobs. I’m so upset. 😭 TAIVAN EMBRACE.

No, Yellowjackets, I did not need to be in the bathroom with Randy Walsh failing to jerk off. Thank you for asking.

Nat screaming at Lottie!!!! “She’s preying and profiting.”

Nat breaking the fuck down in front of Lottie.

“You know what he was going through. You started it.” JESUS CHRIST.

“Maybe that’s true, but I need to know.” YELLS, SCREAMS.

Tai following Shauna out into the woods, even though she’s giving her the silent treatment. 😭

“But I’m rightfully freaking the fuck out about having a baby in the middle of the fucking woods, and news flash, having a bunch of psychos praying for me in some weird fucking tree cult isn’t making my life any easier.” GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD.

“I don’t need your fucking prayers. I need you to have my back.” / “I do.” LOSING MY MIND OVER THESE TWO.

IT’S SHAUNA NEEDING SOMEONE TO BE NORMAL WITH HER, AND TAISSA NEEDING TO FEEL NORMAL HERSELF, TO NOT HAVE ANY MORE NIGHTMARES.

NO, NOT LABOR PAINS. OH, GOD.

Misty sobbing over Kristen. Calling her by Crystal twice before she says her actual name. Ugh. Trying CPR to the Bees Gees. Jesus CHRIST.

Can they go into Randy’s room without a warrant???? Kevyn so badly doesn’t want it to be Shauna. I really do appreciate that about him.

NOT MATT SMELLING THE GODDAMN CONDOM. WHAT IS THIS SHOW.

STRAWBERRIES.

LIKE THE LUBE.

UNREAL.

Javi speaking cryptically about someone not telling him to come back, a “she.” 😬

Misty coming up with a believable lie about Kristen, and one of the last things Kristen ever said to her was that she was a bad liar. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Van screaming for Tai and Shauna. Misty calling out for Kristen, even though she fucking knows that she can’t hear her.

THE GIRLS RITUALISTICALLY CHANTING. I’M SO FUCKED UP. AND IT’S WORKING. AND TAI’S DOING IT.

Tai finally sleeping soundly at Van’s. 😭

Oh, my fucking God. Van taking the pills out of the trash can.

SLEEPWALKING TAI. THAT EVIL SMILE. THE WAY SHE BOBS HER HEAD. TERRIFYING.

“This isn’t where we’re supposed to be.” AUHDJDWNH.

“He was seeing some girl. Part of me wanted to ruin it. But another part of me just missed him.” This line of dialogue is so goddamn raw and brutal.

NAT OVERDOSING.

NAT ENVISIONING THAT THEY DIDN’T FUCKING MAKE IT. THOSE BURNED BODIES.

THE ANTLER QUEEN?!?!!

WE BROUGHT IT BACK.

WE BROUGHT IT BACK WITH US:

WHAT THE AFTUAL HELL

NAT LAYING HER HEAD ON LOTTIE’S LAP AND THEY’RE FUCKING TEENAGERS AGAIN. I’M

NO, IT’S ONLY NAT WHO’S THE TEENAGER. SHE’S GONE BACK TO BEINT A CHILD. AND LOTTIE IS STILL AN ADULT, BUT SHE’S SEEING THE SHADOW OF THE ANTLER QUEEN ON THE FLOOR AND

DID ALL OF THESE PEOPLE DIE AND LITERALLY COME BACK WRONG

THIS SHOW

#yellowjackets spoilers #yellowjackets #s: yellowjackets #cannibalism tw #THIS SHOW IS UNHINGED #I’M #maggie blogs

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anexperimentallife · 1 year

Text

This "if you don't brag about it online, it didn't happen" culture is so weird. I regularly get people accusing me of doing nothing but posting my thoughts online and not actually helping anyone, and it's like...

Dude, I'm not gonna go online and brag and post pictures every time I donate supplies or money, give someone food or a place to stay, serve as a sympathetic ear, help another adult escape their abusive family, encourage someone through a bad situation, stay on the phone with someone when they just need a human voice, let someone ahead of me at the store, overtip a tired server, stand up when someone's being bullied, or do some other random act of kindness. Posting "proof" of all that shit would just feel weird to me. And pointless. The point isn't to show off; the point is that we're all in this together, and everybody should be pitching in to make things better for all of us. It should just be the standard.

I literally owe my life to people who helped me in hard times with no thought of reward--often when I didn't deserve the help. Hell, when our family was in danger of forced separation because paperwork errors wouldn't let our daughter travel with us, y'all pitched in to pay for getting it straightened out.

(Not to mention that even if all I did was post, posting thoughts online can be helpful--a lot of people have posted things that have been helpful to me, and a lot of folks have thanked me for things I've posted, saying my words helped them.)

I mean, I get the theory that posting about ways you've helped people might inspire others to do more good, so I'm not gonna say everyone who does it is seeking glory, but that's just not the way I roll. I don't even like being acknowledged for stuff like that. It all just comes under the heading of doing my job as a human being. Because if we're not taking care of each other, what's the point of anything?

If I could help out completely anonymously, so that not even the people I'm helping knew it was me, that's what I'd do. Not because I'm some saint, but just because a) the attention embarrasses me, and b) I don't want anyone to feel embarrassed or lesser for accepting help.

Honestly, I'd like to do more. But I'm autistic, disabled (spine, joint, and soft tissue inuries, severe arthritis, a traumatic brain injury that affects my memory and focus, and then there are the brain and body effects of long covid on top of that), have adhd, had covid three times, almost died of illness three times in the past five years (once from double pneumonia with secondary lung infections, and twice from covid, which also left me with a two-year foot infection that ended up requiring surgery to get rid of), and other issues, am about 15K USD in debt (from the issue with our daughter), PLUS I'm raising a toddler and supporting two other adults on a fixed income (and still need to somehow come up with around thirty thousand dollars for needed surgeries and scans and dental work and other treatments that got put off because of the aforementioned issue with our daughter), so yeah, there's only so much I can do.

But it's not "nothing." (And I'll allow myself a little bit of chest-puffing by saying it's probably more than most of the people who accuse me of doing nothing do.)

So yeah... "all you do is post online instead of helping people." Oh, you mean because I don't... what, make people "earn" my help by posing for embarrassing pictures or videos, or giving testimonials about how grateful they are? LMAO what a sad, mean, tiny, drab little world you must live in where no one helps anyone without bragging to the world about it.

(Hell, I'll probably delete this later, because tbh this little rant feels a little too much like bragging to me, but I needed to vent.)

#rob gets personal

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vinkumakkara · 1 year

Note

just wanted to say your posts about shaundi and johnny and boss are making me feel completely insane (in a good way) i'm about to throw myself off a bridge. i'm always thinking about how the saints were built from the ground up around johnny and boss and small-brain-wondering how the other saints felt about it, esp shaundi and pierce so thank you for essentially filling those holes for me :")

i also have to wonder what in the world made those 2 agree to be lieutenants in the first place - or what made the boss target themas lieuts?? correct me if i'm wrong but i mean it can't just be that boss did some sick car stunts and shaundi was like okay hell yeah lets do this thang... can it

thank you i enjoy thinking about this stuff very much, i feel like i didn't really start to get the nuances of these games' storytelling until recently so i am very Excited to write abt it

the 2011 Saints being built around Johnny and Boss really gets to the very core of it too, i was thinking about it when i made the Shaundi = Carlos parallel because there's a kind of hero worship situation going both extremes for each of them respectively. Carlos' veneration of the gang is based on impressions left by the original Saints when Boss was the "voice of Julius" - a mere weapon wielded by both Julius and player alike - rather than possessing a voice of their own. even though i don't think he ever truly becomes disillusioned with the Saints as a whole (he might be inexperienced but he absolutely does Get It) he has to suffer Boss at their absolute worst since the moment they first open their mouth, it's a very sobering "don't meet your heroes" kinda deal where he unfortunately didn't get to live long enough to actually really learn from it. but with Shaundi it's the opposite - she feels unsure and pretty fish outta water in the beginning, clearly not used to the kinda world Boss and Johnny (and Carlos) are steeped in, but she learns to appreciate the Saints as they are and not based on spook stories or legends or even self-serving half-truths told by a man who never was who he claimed to be. she pretty quickly starts to get it, she gets what being one of Boss' Saints is truly about, and she Gets It because unlike Carlos she actually got to experience Boss at their arguable best instead of their worst first-hand. it's too bad that even when these two characters feel like they were supposed to contrast and compliment each other they didn't really get to interact beyond that one fist bump during Three Kings' outro cutscene, the strict three arc split is both a blessing and a curse

anyways, Pierce and Shaundi actually basically got in the gang for the same reason Boss is able to put their faith in them despite all their reservations - Johnny's the one who picked them after he got to know them in prison. the game doesn't really delve into what kind of relationship Johnny and Pierce have but Shaundi talks about how she ran a pruno ring with Johnny in a bit of unused dialogue for Three Kings (Pierce has a similar expository line but he just talks himself up because of course lmao). it's why i think Shaundi always specifically really looked up to Johnny even though there's merely a whisper of dialogue maybepossibly hinting at it in sr2 (it is very overt in the later games so i think it was always intended despite all their continuity/characterization issues), and i think it's why Pierce gets away with clapping back at Johnny - like look at this dude

he was ready to go against the most dangerous man in Stilwater without hesitation - generic Saints say "no one's allowed to kill a Saint but Johnny" - and he's supposed to be the Smart One! they have to be more than just mere acquaintances working together out of necessity, because otherwise Pierce would be fuckin dead before the game really even begins (there's some stuff in the game that goes against this read, like Johnny's idle line talking about how Pierce reminds him of Dex which is just not true at all, but i feel like V just really didn't know what to do with this guy so they threw all kinda shit at the wall)

overall our view into this world and its people during sr2 is limited because Boss' pov is really limited in scope due to essentially being dead for five years (without even getting into the whole "Playa" thing). despite their "waking up" they're still that exact same gullible dumbass kid from 2006 - the now-not-so-mute motherfucker who's used to doing everything on their own - just saddled with a brand new steaming pile of trust issues AND with a whole new set of responsibilities they are extremely ill-equipped to handle. Julius broke Boss' already pretty piss fumed brain to an extent where even they themselves are capable of seeing the damage and especially in the beginning of the game a lot of their interactions with Shaundi and Pierce feel strained and surface level exactly because of this reason. as messed up as it is, Johnny - at that point being the only person Boss truly trusts and admires - essentially functions as their conduit for any semblance of normalcy (and he himself has been in prison for years too, just very functional all around). Boss might be the appointed leader but when you get down to it Johnny's the real glue that holds not only the entire gang together, but Boss as well. when Johnny is in the hospital and Pierce asks what will happen if he doesn't survive, "then we've got bigger problems" is honestly downplaying it - they all need Johnny, whether they realize it or not.

(Pierce dismissively shaking his head in response is so harsh too. he either really, really doesn't get it, or worse yet he gets it and simply sees no value in any of it. i like to think it's at least partly just him being completely fuckin clueless socially and kinda having tunnel vision when it comes to his ambitions, but when you look at his characterization in srtt... yikes if that's how he was always intended to go)

#really don't like AoM's whole ''if Pierce was in charge everyone in Stilwater would unite in harmony and sing kumbayah'' thing #that's like buying into Pierce's own hype. when you dimiss these characters' flaws and issues you deny them their humanity #and turn them into actual monsters #anyways. that last bit sure was a Pierce tangent that didn't even answer the question lmao sorry

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