#also I’ve never related to her more than when she made that expression while trying to do math. like girl me too

[dvdmtchll]

Obsessed with how expressive Victoria Coren Mitchell is

#I have a frankly unreasonable amount of screenshots of her that I’ve been obsessively taking #I’ve been binging only connect and man #Victoria in charge and intellectual and occasionally complimentary fucks me up #there will probably be more parts to this because man I have a lot of photos of her #also I’ve never related to her more than when she made that expression while trying to do math. like girl me too #victoria coren mitchell #only connect #cats does countdown #8oo10cdc

[delicatenightfury]

"She's not that stupid."

2021 Month of Writing: Day 22

Pairing: Remy LeBeau x reader (X-men Evolution)

Prompt:

Word Count: 2,007

Author's Note: please don't steal my work! you can choose to respond to the prompt as well, but don't steal my work

Remy looked at Rogue in surprise.

“What?” he said.

“Don’t make me repeat it, swamp rat.”

Remy glanced out across the club. The team had decided on a night out, and Remy paid for exclusive seating at the local club that was known for its mixed crowds of humans and mutants. Y/N was sitting with several of the older X-men, chatting away as they sipped on their drinks. Remy watched as she laughed at something Piotr had said. Remy shook his head and looked back at Rogue.

“She doesn’t love me,” he said. “She’s not that stupid.”

Rogue scoffed and rolled her eyes.

“You say that like it’s impossible. Why?”

“Let’s be real here, cher, she can’t be with me.”

“Still not an explanation.”

“What do you want me to say, Rogue?”

“I want you to give me a legitimate reason.”

Remy rolled his eyes, narrowing them at her. 

“I’m not good for her. I’m a Thief. I’ve lied, I’ve stolen, I’ve killed. I’m le diable blanc. The Assassins Guild and Bella Donna are still after me, the Thieves Guild is still hesitant about accepting me back. Sinister still wants to get his hands on me because of my powers. I’m a target anywhere I go, therefore anyone associated with me is also a target. So why, cher, would she want anything to do with me, when she could do so much better?”

He stood up and walked away from the bar. He gracefully wove through the crowd before coming to an empty table. He sat down with a sigh. His hands drifted into his pockets for a deck of cards, giving him something to occupy himself with to try and prevent his thoughts from running rampant. 

Except it only made him think more.

His red and black eyes drifted toward where Y/N was sitting. She was smiling, listening to what the others were saying. Her drink hadn’t really been touched, but she was never much of a drinker to begin with. Nor really one for social gatherings. But evenings like this he knew she enjoyed. Sure she participated in conversation, but she also preferred to simply be in the company of the people closest to her.

When Remy had made the switch from being an Acolyte to an X-men, Y/N had been one of the first to truly accept him. Sure there was Rogue, but their relationship was rocky - to be fair, he did take her to New Orleans against her will. Y/N was closer to him in age and while they couldn’t be more different from one another, they could relate to each other on various levels. Being friends with her was easy. But being more… he couldn’t do that to her.

She looked away from the group to scan the club. She smiled when she saw some of the younger X-men dancing and having a good time. Her gaze continued around before landing on him. With Rogue’s previous words in mind, he noticed changes in her expression. Her smile and her eyes seemed to lift, becoming brighter when her eyes met his.

She tilted her head to the side, seemingly confused.

“You okay?” she mouthed.

Remy couldn’t help but return her small smile and nod. He could tell she didn’t quite believe him, but he also knew that she could read him better than most others. 

Her gaze was suddenly pulled to the side. Remy watched as her eyes narrowed and her smile dropped. She said something to the others around her before standing up. She wove through the crowd quickly, obviously headed toward something. Remy tried to get a glimpse of what she had seen, but there were too many people to see clearly.

He stood up, quickly looking around for where she had gone. His eyes darted over to the back door, where he caught a glimpse of Y/N disappearing outside. Remy walked through the crowd as fast as he could. Before he reached the door, someone grabbed his arm. Remy turned quickly, ready to fend off the stranger, but relaxed when he saw Logan.

“Relax, bub,” he said.

Remy narrowed his eyes at his fellow X-man.

“You know something,” he said.

“She can handle herself.”

Remy pulled his arm away from Logan, but took a step closer to him so they were nearly chest to chest.

“Out of my way, homme.”

“She can handle herself, gumbo. Let it go.”

“Don’t mean that she has to.”

Remy shoved passed Logan and went for the back door. He pushed it open and stepped into the alley, looking around. He pulled out his bo staff when he noticed that things were unusually quiet.

Before he could call out for her, he heard faint voices. He quietly approached the end of the alley, closest to the street, but ducked behind a nearby dumpster.

“Do they know?” He recognized the voice as Y/N’s.

“I don’t know,” someone else, a woman, replied. “I didn’t say anything to anyone and I left right after the meeting.”

“And did you come straight here? Did you take their car, your car?”

“Give me some credit, Y/N. I went back to my place then called a cab.”

“Okay.” Y/N sighed. “We have to assume then that they know. They always seemed to be ahead of the game. Let’s just pop inside real quick to tell my team then we’ll go to the mansion.”

“Or you could send your friend to do that.”

“What?”

Remy cursed under his breath.

“You were followed by one of your teammates, but I can’t get into their mind for some reason.”

There was a pause before Remy heard footsteps approaching.

“Remy?” Knowing there was no turning back, Remy stepped into view, flashing Y/N a smile. “What are you doing out here?”

“Saw you slip out the back, cher,” he said. “Wanted to make sure everything was all right.”

“Everything is fine,” she said. She glanced back at the other woman, prompting Remy to briefly do the same. She was pretty, nearly platinum blond hair with pale skin. She didn’t seem much older than Y/N. Maybe a little younger. “This is my cousin, Emma. I’m taking her back to the mansion to talk with the Professor. Can you please do me a favor and let Logan know inside?”

It took Remy a moment to nod. He could tell she was getting a little fidgety, which he assumed was because of the conversation he had caught. He wanted to ask her more, but knew that this wasn’t the time.

“I’ll let him know,” he said. “Do you want someone to come with you?”

Y/N shook her head.

“We can handle ourselves. Thank you, Remy. I’ll see you later, okay?”

Remy watched as she ushered her cousin out of the alley. He stepped out just enough to watch them safely make it to her car and drive toward the mansion.

Remy leaned against the wall by the Professor’s office, shuffling a deck of cards in his hands. He had returned to the mansion shortly after Y/N had left the club. He wanted to talk to her, but she was still meeting with the professor and her cousin. They had been in the professor’s office for nearly an hour, potentially more since he had arrived at least fifteen minutes after they did. And given the fact that he couldn’t hear any talking, he assumed that the three were having a telepathic conversation.

Remy looked up when he suddenly heard the door open. He stood up a little straighter when he made eye contact with Y/N. He offered her a smile. She smiled back, though with a small sigh. She looked over her shoulder back into the room.

“Professor, would you be able to show Emma to her room for me?”

“Of course,” the professor said, rolling into view. “This way, Miss Frost.”

Remy watched Y/N and Emma exchange a brief hug before the blond followed the professor down the hall. Y/N motioned for Remy to step inside the professor’s office. He tucked his cards away and turned back to face Y/N as she shut the door. She looked at him.

“What do you want, Remy?” she asked.

“Is it wrong to want to check on mon ami?” he asked. “You left the club in a hurry.”

“My cousin needs help with a situation that I happen to have a lot of knowledge about.”

“What kind of situation?”

Y/N crossed her arms.

“Parts of my past are catching up. You know how it is.”

“What can I do to help?”

She shook her head.

“I don’t want you mixed up in this, Remy.”

“Why not? I could help.”

“This… the whole thing is extremely dangerous.”

“You brought this to the professor.”

“Because he needed to know.”

“And I don’t?”

Y/N rolled her eyes.

“You know, you’re being really hypocritical.”

Remy was taken aback.

“What?”

“Don’t play dumb, Remy. Bella Donna showed up, you refused to tell me anything. The Thieves Guild is up to something, you try to leave without telling anyone. For god’s sake, Remy, Sinister tried capturing you and we didn’t find out until it was almost too late!”

“Because I didn’t want you involved in my problems, cher. I didn’t want you to get hurt!”

“Then you understand my reasoning now!” Remy roughly ran his hand through his hair, sitting down. He heard Y/N sigh and walk over to him. Gentle hands touched his face, causing him to look up at her. “I can’t lose you in this, Remy,” she said. “I don’t want to risk losing the people I love.”

There it was. That word, which made its second appearance of the night.

Love.

“Cher-”

“Whatever you say won’t change the way I feel, okay?” She sighed and lightly ran her fingers through his short hair. He was tempted to close his eyes and lean into her. “I love you, Remy LeBeau. I know you don’t want me associated with you because it’ll make me a target. But I have my own targets painted on my back. We both know the past doesn’t stay buried. This time, it’s my demons that are making themselves known.”

She went to pull away, but Remy couldn’t help himself. He gently grabbed her wrist to stop her from leaving. They both knew she could break out of his light hold, but she didn’t. Y/N didn’t look at him for a minute. Remy tried to comfort her by gently running his fingers over her wrist. She smiled a little; it was a motion he did to calm her down.

“They’re called the Hellfire Club,” she said after a long moment. “They seek world domination through political and economic routes, and like to employ mutants to assist in their work. I was young when they approached me. I had discovered my powers not long before that and was finishing high school. I thought we were fighting for mutant justice. I was their White Bishop. But when I discovered their real plot, I had already been with them almost two years. I managed to get out and made my way here. Now they’ve approached my cousin Emma about being their White Queen.

“We’re both messed up, Remy. We both have done things we regret, demons that haunt us. But that’s why we’re here, isn’t it? To be the positive change we want to see? To make up for the hells we’ve helped to create?”

“Oui, cheri. That we are.” He sighed. “I want to help you, Y/N. I understand why you might not want me to, and I’m sorry that I’ve tried to do the same to you. I care about you too much for you to get hurt.”

He kissed her hand.

“Is Remy LeBeau admitting he has feelings?”

“You wound me, cher!” He smiled. “I’ve always cared.”

“It’s going to be dangerous,” she said.

“We’re X-men. This is what we do.”

#month of writing #writing prompt #gambit #remy lebeau #x-men #x-men evolution #remy Lebeau x reader #gambit x reader

[nerdasaurus1200]

This is long overdue but I’m finally making this post! Here’s how I think the gang would react to Gothel having sisters!

Rapunzel:

I’ve been thinking about this for a while, snd everytime I do this is the expression I picture Rapunzel having. I think she’d be very shocked and almost in denial over it. Kinda like the way she acted over Cass’s betrayal in RR. And when they finally come back, I think Rapunzel would make a fairly big effort to try to keep her distance cause she thinks they’ll be like Gothel. And even when she finds out they aren’t, I think at that point Rapunzel’s just so beyond done with all the Gothel revelations. She does want to to talk with Cass about it, but she’s worried how that conversation will go.

Eugene:

Eugene is shocked and disgusted, but mostly FURIOUS. He’s ripping pissed on Rapunzel’s behalf and absolutely disgusted that it just got reinforced that Gothel saw Rapunzel as nothing more than a tool to help herself. He hardly cares that Gothel was gonna use the Sundrop to bring a pair of loved ones back.

Captain:

Cap feels a lot of things about it, but he’s mostly just…tired and frustrated about it. He’s happy that Cass has more bio family that aren’t total scum this time. But at the same time he wishes Gothel would just rot alone in her grave and quit bothering them all with her problems already.

Lance:

Lance is more just generally mildly surprised than anything else, mostly because all the Gothel stuff has never really had any impact on him. At first he actually thought Cass was joking…and then he saw the glass coffins. Then he proceeded to comment on how Cassandra’s life is something straight out of a soap opera.

Varian:

Varian actually always suspected there might be at least some relation there. Cause he’s seen the royal portraits, and there was always just enough of Cassandra in their faces to make him ponder. It did come as a shock to him but once the shock wore off he wasn’t exactly surprised. Heck, he was thrilled for Cass. But he also was very attentive towards her for a few days and made sure she was okay.

Cassandra:

Cassandra…she had a hell of a time with the reveal that she had Aunts. She’s found dozens of half siblings, had to rediscover that she had a twin sister and second mom, and found out her grandmother was Shampanier so she’s almost numb to the big family reveals at this point. However this one hurt. She was thrilled that she had more family and that they were two of her biggest heroes no less. But she also shocked and devastated and furious. Because of course Gothel had sisters that she abandoned. Of course she spent so long trying to bring them back, because in Cass’s mind that means that Gothel was always at least somewhat capable of love. She and Rapunzel just weren’t worth loving. And they were right under her own house the whole time and she had no idea. If she did just a little more exploring in the mirror room she would’ve found them

#tts #rta #tangled #tangled the series #rapunzel's tangled adventure #nerd talks #headcanon #primrose #hazel #rapunzel #eugene fitzherbert #lance strongbow #captain of the guard #varian #Cassandra

[broodwolf221]

sera meta!

i love her soooo much - if not for solas, she'd be hands-down my favorite character from inquisition. so it's long past time i did a meta post for her <3

this is gonna be long and i added a lot of her relevant dialogue to it

dai context: yes, it's frustrating that the two elven companions both hate elves - i think it would've been better to have a third elven companion or major character who doesn't, but that doesn't detract from either sera or solas' characterization

meta overview: sera is young, traumatized, has deep-seated internalized racism, and has never had an opportunity to be vulnerable or to safely express herself. she's also very seriously autistic-coded.

part 1: her past

she was presumably born into an alienage, and as @skip-the-clumsy-dragon reminded me recently, city elves are expected to get married and have children. this is a realistic thing for them to prioritize (and dalish likely have the same priority) given the fact that they're an endangered culture. however, sera's a lesbian - to grow up in a society that tells her that she has to marry an elven man and have his children would've been incredibly ostracizing to her. the elves made her feel broken, directly or indirectly, and i think that's something a lot of queer people can relate to.

while only the last part is related, this bit of banter between her and solas is interesting in terms of her being a lesbian:

Sera: (shivers) Weird. Solas: Sera? What are you feeling? Sera: Ugh, here we go. It’s nothing, it just feels like I've seen this. Exactly this. It happens. Solas: Not to everyone. Sera: It’s not an elf thing. You’re not shaking. Sera: I suppose now you’ll switch to how I’m the same but different? Solas: You are different. You are the furthest from what you were meant to be. Sera: Well I’ve definitely heard piss like this before. Hmph!

she was adopted by the lady emmald, which looks fine at first, but as we're shown during the cookie scene, emmald didn't really care about sera. more than likely, she cared about what sera could do for her (a sort of live-in, unpaid servant in a child who she 'saved' from the streets) and the social esteem she'd get for 'rescuing' a 'poor elf' - lady emmald was the racist one, and the user, not the baker she blamed

Sera: I got caught stealing when I was little, yeah? You get alienage or worse for that, but the “Lady Emmald” took me in. She was sick and couldn’t have children. I had no parents. It worked out. Anyway, she gets a year sicker, so I ask about her cookies. Because mums make cookies. I can pass that down, or something. Turns out, she couldn’t cook. She missed that talk with her mum. The ones she “made” she bought and pretended. Aw, right? Well, no, she was a bitch. She hid buying them by keeping me away from the baker. She did that by lying that he didn’t like me, didn’t like elves. She let me hate so she could protect her pride. I hated him so much, and I hated… She looks away again. Sera: Well, she died, and I hate pride. “Pride cookies.”

"I hated him so much, and I hated... [being an elf]" is the obvious conclusion. and again, it makes sense - her people wanted her to play a role she couldn't, and wouldn't, play - and her adoptive mother allowed her to hate and hate so that she could protect her own pride.

Inquisitor: I don’t understand. This Lady Emmald was just trying to be good to you. Sera: She hurt people. Inquisitor: It was just cookies. Sera: It was not just cookies! Lie to herself? Fair play, only hurts her. But she made me think there was something wrong with me! And the baker! I made his life shit. Why not? It seemed like he deserved it. I mean, “if you don’t give a child a cookie because of appearances, you’re a monster.” Stupid, pride-whore noble. She pauses. Sera: I know, I said it was stupid. That’s why I want to get rid of it. I want to make better cookies.

she keeps calling herself stupid. she's angry and hurting and trying to be vulnerable, and when her vulnerability isn't supported she immediately resorts to calling herself stupid, making her feelings smaller, insulting herself before she can be insulted by the inquisitor, someone she's grown close to

Inquisitor: It is stupid. You dragged me here to bad-mouth a sad, dead woman. Sera: It’s not about that. Feelings are hard, all right? Inquisitor: Not for an adult! Sera: Bullshit! And I’m trying to say I like it here! I thought you’d want to know that, and eat my shitty cookies! / Sera: I just thought you’d want to know that I think you’re pretty great! That I made you shitty cookies!

"not for an adult" - sera is by far the youngest companion. and she's never had the opportunity to even begin unpacking her own trauma, until maybe haven/skyhold, depending on how your inquisitor treats her.

part 2: red jenny

after emmald, she ended up on the streets again. she was taken in by the red jennies. by this point she has personal cause to dislike elves and elven culture, and to dislike nobles - but she doesn't really hate humans, which is understandable considering that she's surrounded by them. she sees that they get treated like shit sometimes, too. her alliances are not and have never been along racial lines, but class divisions: she looks out for the "little people", which in her case means the poor, the unhoused, or those in servitude.

the fact that she doesn't live in the alienage means she's surrounded by human faith. i've discussed this before in prior metas, but in thedas, andrastianism or however it'd be spelled is likely not optional - it's presumed and absolute. christianity was like this too, in medieval times, the church was the core of cities and everyone was expected to be faithful. theres' an immense sociocultural pressure towards religious conformity that everyone is exposed to even if they don't personally go to the church/pray/etc. - it's just baked into the culture. the chant is everywhere. and people internalize stuff they're surrounded by, that's natural

so she's out here angry, bitter, finally able to be 'just' sera with the jennies, not expected to breed for them or to take their shit, allowed to be exactly who she is... and at the same time, she's immersed in chantry culture. she wants a parent, she wants someone who cares for her no matter what. she keeps hearing that it's andraste and the maker who will care for her.

Inquisitor: Odd that you’d ask Andraste over your own gods. Sera: “My” gods? Whatever. They don’t talk any more than she does. Not like she’s supposed to. I know what happened to you, or what everyone here thinks happened. It seems… I don’t know what it seems.

part 3: her behavior

she's outwardly callous and irreverent a lot of the time, but that stems from a mix of things, primarily: humor as a coping mechanism and having seen so much shit in her life. she talks about food a lot, but this bit of banter with blackwall explains why really clearly:

Sera: Hey, do you think they'll have pie when we get back? I could use a pie. Or three. Blackwall: That's... a lot of pie for one person. Sera: You'd understand if you've ever been hungry. In your bones hungry.

she also has a really grounded view of mages. it's not perfect, she's very afraid of magic - as she's been taught to be. i think people get caught up in the mage freedom angles the games have been showing us and forget that within the games context, mages are fucking scary and people are scared of them. i'm staunchly pro-mage, but it's useless to ignore the context they exist within

Sera: I knew a funny boy in Denerim. Started fires with his eyes. Templars nabbed him right quick, so he's better now, I guess? Dorian: Better? Do you know what your southern Circles are like? Sera: Meals and training? So he wouldn't starve or get stomped by a mob? I've seen both. Dorian: (Sighs.) You're sadly right.

circles are bad but also? she's right. training, room and board... when it's living in a circle vs. being killed on the street, i think most people would choose the former, even with all the inherent difficulties and the oppression of it, the abuses by the templars, all of it. because at least you're safer. and the training is important. it's all kinds of wrong the way it's structured, but mages do need training, there's no denying that

and she has a very practical, very grounded perspective on nobles and who would suffer in a massive revolution. when solas starts recommending guerilla warfare tactics to her, she shuts him down - not because his ideas are wrong, but because she can see ahead to all the harm it'd cause the exact people she's trying to protect

Solas: Once you have the aristocracy weakened, Sera, you will have to redirect your lieutenants. Sera: Oh, this again. All right, what am I doing? Solas: Some of your forces, valuable until now, have no interests beyond creating disruption. Chaos for its own sake. They must be repositioned where they can do no harm, or removed if necessary. You replace them with organizers willing to build a new system and carry out the ugly work that must be done. Sera: What? Why? What ugly work? Solas: That is up to you. Do you wish to disrupt the nobility, secure a title? Or change the political structure entirely? Sera: None of it! I don't want any of that!

Solas: I do not understand you, Sera. You have no end goal for your organization. Sera: Nobles get rattled, and people get payback. I play in the middle. Solas: Why not go all the way? You see injustice, and you have organized a group to fight it. Don't you want to replace it with something better? Sera: What, just lop off the top? What's that do, except make a new top to frig it all up? Solas: I…forgive me. You are right. You are fine as you are. Sera: You hurt my head sometimes, Solas. Solas: Yes, I have been known to do that.

conclusion:

sera is one of the most important characters in dai specifically because of the perspective she brings to the table. she's the average person. she's scared of mages and magic. she's scared of templars. she's scared of the grey wardens. she's young and tries so hard. she lived through the blight. she's traumatized af. she feels like she has no culture that will accept her as she is. the first people to accept her, to just see sera, are the red jennies, and she happily joins them. she offers herself to the inquisition despite being scared of it because a part of her wants to help and another part wants answers - but is scared of getting them at the same time.

Herald: But where do you stand on the war? Sera: In the frigging middle, with everyone else. Sera: You know what I hear about mages? Nothing until one goes all demony. Know what I hear about templars? Nothing, until they take “maybe-mages.”

she's a queer city elf who's expected to marry another elf and have his children. she's a poor elven child who's supposed to be grateful that she was offered a good life by a noble. she's never had a space where she was able to work through all her issues, or even begin looking at them for real - but when she does have that space, she is surprisingly vulnerable with people. the cookies are important because it's her biggest show of vulnerability - she's revealing her past and one of the things that haunts her most, and she's actively trying to change the context, to disrupt a childhood trauma with new, better memories

#broodmeta #sera dai #okay i could honestly keep talking about her but this is enough. this is more than enough. this is long af. #i want to talk abt her fear being nothing and how that ties so deeply into her character #i want to talk abt the low approval fight she has with the inky #but aaa.... this is good. this covers most of it.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I enjoyed that latest Taskmaster episode a lot. I don’t know why I’ve hardly written any posts about this season since it started, as it’s been really good. Here’s a brief summary of my updates opinions four episodes in:

- The main thing I wanted for Nick was a chance to show off his magician-related skills. He got that chance in the tension task… it did not go as I’d predicted. However, he has made up for breaking my predictions by turning out to be the sweetest person in the world. It’s been a while since we’ve had a proper cinnamon roll on Taskmaster. I think his gentle banter with Greg continues to be the funniest thing he brings, it’s delightful every time.

- Steve Pemberton won me over in the first couple of episodes, but then lost me pretty hard by admitting he broke that egg on purpose, I must admit I am now pretty focused on hoping he loses specifically as punishment for that. I got mad at him then for sacrificing the task in order to play to the TV edit/try too hard to be funny – he’s done similar things several times since, like imposing extra rules in the Mr. Blobby task and writing puns in the hand task. It is not in the spirit of Taskmaster! He’s probably basically fine but I want him to lose so that future Taskmaster contestants understand you do not come here to perform, you come here to play. I don’t even just hold that belief because of how competitive I am, I also think it’s much funnier if you let you and throw yourself right into the game, which he’s not quite doing, and it disproportionately annoys me.

- I find Sophie Willan’s unpredictability entertaining. Usually she’s shit at the tasks, and every once in a while she’ll be great. She has no idea what’s going on almost ever but apparently has a good eye for art. She talks to horses. She nearly drowns in a river that only goes up to her waist. She demonstrates sexy dances that literally no one asked her to do? She has never seen this show before. You never know what she’s going to bring to the table next.

- All right, Joanne McNally’s won me around. She went in with a significant deficit in my opinion of her because I say some quite shitty things on a different TV show once, but four episodes in, she’s been entertaining enough for me to forgive it (I mean… I don’t actually forgive the sentiment expressed, but I can decide I like her enough to choose to assume it was just a misguided attempt to be funny). She’s breathing life into tense situations and tension into situations where the task explicitly requests it. She’s also never seen the show before but she’s throwing herself all the way into it. She’s consistently funny. She’s sharp and knows what’s going on, task-wise, almost all the time, while making it look fairly effortless. She didn’t do the prep work but I respect that she still showed up to play.

- Well, we haven’t had the full-on meltdowns from Robins, but I kind of knew that would happen, as they caught him just as he was moving into his “sober and more enlightened” era. It will always be a loss that Taskmaster never cast Farthinggate-era Robins when they had the chance, but I’m actually surprised at how much I’m enjoying “on his best behaviour Robins”. Mainly because it is visibly incredibly difficult for him to not have competitive meltdowns and to play it as chill as he is (which still isn’t very chill, it’s just chill compared to what he used to be), and the tension of that difficulty can be very funny. Maybe it’s like how people trying to avoid swearing on the radio is funnier than just hearing them swear. I’ve heard John Robins have plenty of proper competitive meltdowns – it is a new and uniquely entertaining thing to watch him sit there and try to physically force every nerve in his body to not do that. A whole new level of the pointless intensity. Those team tasks especially have potential for it. Also, they’ve used the same joke several times now, but I don’t mind at all. They could keep implying that John’s fucked up a task and giving him time to panic before saying it’s fine – that might get old after 100 or so episodes, but 10 episodes wouldn’t be nearly enough for that to stop being funny. I’d be fine if they keep it up all season. I desperately hope he wins but I also hope they torture him.

I have to admit I may have got too into the competition too early in this season, because normally it isn’t until the last few episodes, if the scores are tight, when I start to get really concerned about whether it’ll end up going my way. But yesterday, while watching episode four, I found myself genuinely stressed during every task because of how much I want John Robins to beat Steve Pemberton. I mean, I want him to win, but I specifically want him to beat Steve Pemberton, because I do not want someone to get away with being smugly too good to throw himself entirely into Taskmaster. I’m too invested. I knew John had gone in one point ahead of both Steve and Joanne, and I was keeping score in my head throughout the episode, of how far each score led him to extend his lead over both of them. I don’t usually count points as the episode goes along until episodes 9 or 10.

Most tasks I’m less interested in John’s total score and more interested in his score relative to Steve. I realize Joanne is also competitive and a threat to win and I want him to beat her too, but I don’t think she’s as likely to win overall, she’s not as competitive in general and the only reason she’s so close to the top right now is she got a lucky 5-0 that’s not likely to repeat itself. Also, if she wins I’ll be disappointed, but not nearly as disappointed as I’ll be if Steve does.

Anyway, I thought episode 4 was great fun. It does feel a bit more “simmering” than some other Taskmaster seasons – I almost wrote “gentle” but I don’t think that’s quite true, because there seems to be a lot going on. It’s just not all being shouted the way it is in some seasons. I like it, I enjoy the unpredictable mystery of Sophie Willan and the incomprehensible charm of Nick Mohammed and the understated arrogance of Steve Pemberton (in a “fuck this guy but he makes a good villain” way) and the simmering anger of John Robins. Also Joanne McNally is there, cheerfully shouting whatever thoughts occur to her, and they’re almost always funny.

One note I do have to mention in writing a post about Taskmaster s17e04 – if you have a good friend who’s recently quit drinking due to quite a severe and life-ruining alcohol addiction, with rum as his drink of choice for a number of years, you should maybe not trick him into drinking rum on national television even if it’s non-alcoholic? Ed Gamble said on the podcast that he thinks the rest of them got regular rum and only John got special non-alcoholic rum, and I think/hope Ed was wrong about that, because you really shouldn’t trick people into drinking hard liquor at work even if they’re not alcoholics in recovery. Especially since any of those people could have gone all in and drank the whole glove for a laugh. Going out of their way to procure special non-alcoholic rum is a pretty weird thing to do when Ribena has been used on the show before and has to be cheaper/easier to find/avoids the thorny issue of alcohol altogether. I found it funny that they threw pickled onions in there, because anyone who’s listened to John Robins on the radio will know he’s obsessed with pickled onions; I figured Alex added that as a sort of in-joke with his friend, to the point where it’s almost unfair that by being friends with Alex, John gets an item on the task tailored to things he’s most likely to recognize. But Alex will also know that rum was John Robins’ drink of choice for a long time (I mean, I know it, so I'm pretty sure his real-life drinking buddy Alex Horne does), which sort of makes putting rum in the task look like an incredibly twisted and fucked up version of that joke. I'm sure it was just an oversight, but still, pretty big oversight. Even if they didn’t have an alcoholic in the cast, why bring alcohol into it at all when you could just use some other drink that starts with R?

Having said that, does anyone know if non-alcoholic whiskey can replicate the burning sensation of the real thing, or does it just try for the taste? Asking for a friend who's trying to give up whiskey but really misses it and specifically misses its burning qualities and that friend is me. I actually hadn't thought about non-alcoholic hard liquor until Alex mentioned it on the show, I just knew about non-alcoholic beer and wine. I might look into that. But anyway, they probably shouldn't feed it to people who are at work without warning.

[sailorblossoms]

Looking at the wording when it’s brought up that Agatha and Simon got physical, it always picked my attention that it’s both vague as hell and never really defined in terms of “quantity.” “It was just going through the motions” could be the conclusion of a series of experiences or a single experience. “It was always going through the motions” would obviously refer to multiple instances. Same with “I’ve seen this before” vs “I have seen him like this so many times before.” (mild SFC spoilers are below the cut/marked as spoiler because I have SFC related thoughts) (the other things that happened in the story inspire my need not for analysis but for FICS. I’ll EAT those fics)

It occurs to me that this whole thing is treated more like a concept rather than something that’s concrete and defined. The closest it gets to defining the experience is during the hospital scene, where Simon has the instinct to cover himself from Agatha in a protective gesture (already raising alarm bells) while all his instincts are screaming for him to run (this is part of why it boggles my goddamn mind when it’s argued “horny boy was horny” in this case because “sex automatically means just good feelings/sensations” – the very thing the book questions – and boy is boy. look at this shit! my man was about to piss himself!! that’s when it’s first brought up! this shit ain’t right!) and Agatha feels strange. She expresses no desire – she felt responsibility here. On Simon’s side, the closest is that one paragraph that establishes the comparison through structure: he wasn’t in love, he wasn’t turned on. He didn’t want it. “This is what sex looked like for them,” it says there, but beyond that, it feels like it’s very purposely left for the reader to fill in the blanks (the right choice here I’d say). Hell, there might not even be more thought on this beyond what’s on the page. 

I’m unfortunately the kind of reader that can’t leave shit like this alone – if you throw me something that puts me off and makes no sense (at least on the surface) I’m going to find out why. And what I think makes the most sense for them it’s that there might have been some mechanical fooling around here and there. Some curiosity and experimentation while trying to perform “a regular straight teen relationship,” in a way that feels uncomfortable but that would get downplayed (or not thought about ever in Simon’s case, you would never think he has ever done shit by the way he thinks before Baz) And honestly, nothing would be more fitting for those two than never being able to get each other off. (I made the case for Simon getting off for the first time in that scene with Baz, without his magic and all that.)

This is the only way it makes sense when you consider that 1. Simon’s crazy magic is a hell of a thing repressing him. No way he can get off without also going off. Wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t feeling turned on though and/or let his mind wander (dissociation would make feeling shit pretty difficult) 2. No way in hell Simon’s issues with intimacy start with Baz. Sure, there are new things he’s dealing with in WS, he’s re-traumatized in some ways, he has never consciously dealt with sexual desire before and his feelings for Baz are too overwhelming (he has never wanted anyone but Baz, he says). But the  he kind of “issues” that makes dissociation during a sexual situation common are issues Simon already had while dating her. If anything, unwanted experiences with Agatha where he pressured himself to go though would accentuate that. Can’t be a coincidence that Baz and Simon talk about this before they’re able to have sex, or that Simon says it at the very moment Baz is feeling the most vulnerable (while drinking) (Simon’s at his most vulnerable too) (whole thing is about exposing shame). 

As for “going all the way,” I’d say it happened once and I quote @carryonsimoncarryonbaz “during Christmas break 7th year” (we’ve had so many convos sometimes I forget who said what haha). Simon says, as explanation (because he feels the need to explain) “we were together for a long time” – you don’t say that shit if you’re doing it a couple of months into the relationship, because how long you have been together wouldn’t be relevant in that case. 

Why do I say once? First of all, logistics. You gotta remember these people didn’t have an awful lot of free time, even less Simon. His schedule was packed as hell. The argument that it had to have happened at least a couple dozen times or something is wild as hell to me because when the hell are they finding that time? Where would they do it at Watford like, realistically? Gay sex would’ve been easier there! they wouldn’t have the drive or the motivation to work to make it happen in non-ideal places. A simple kiss wouldn’t be leading to shit spontaneously. They don’t see each other during the summer break (when Simon pretends she doesn’t exist). They were left alone at her house sometimes, but not all the goddamn time, and Helen was still there. I could maybe see the argument for “trying going all the way a second time to see if a sucky first time was just first time nerves” or something along those lines, but multiple times? All the way? For two people with no sexual attraction to each other? With barely any time to be alone together? It doesn’t add up. We love fantasy, but I’m not suspending my belief for this shit. 

Another reason (the biggest reason I’m arguing this) is that the vulnerability of sex brings up relationship problems, and those two together were, well. A Problem. It’s one thing to have a series of experiences with unwanted “fooling around” and related but going all the way? Man. This could easily be the thing that seriously pushes them to break apart. A thing that brings up a lot of negative emotions. Agatha wouldn’t be equipped to deal with Simon breaking down, and it would have come to that if it he pushed himself multiple times to go all the way when he didn’t want it (but felt like he had to). 

The “it happened during Christmas 7th year” timeline it’s consistent with Simon remembering Agatha becoming more emotionally detached and irritated after the break, and it has Agatha running after Baz (as in, she has “tried it all” with Simon and it didn’t work, so time to look for a spark elsewhere). This is already telling you that she was reaching her breaking point and getting ready to break up, and it’s also consistent with the negative emotions that going through the motions sex can cause, negative emotions that also manifest in Simon when he talks about it (and outside of his head it’s the only time this gets approached, with Baz present to help him process it; never once alone in his head) Also, it always stood out to me when Agatha is breaking up with Simon, he tries to hold her hand and she jumps away from his contact. Simon brushes it away with “I moved too fast and scared her” but it feels like there’s something deeper going on there. He’s not fucking flash, it’s not... normal to be jumpy like that.

SPOILERS START HERE

In SFC Simon brings up touch. He’s like “I never liked to touch Agatha in front of her parents because I didn’t want to remind them we were stuff together.” Again the vagueness. Obvious assumptions aside (because Simon challenges such assumptions during his conversation with Baz with “sex is not confirmation of attraction” and “is it good that it happened?”). Going to the movies is doing stuff together. Doing stuff together can be “let’s figure out how tongue kissing works.” It can be literally what Agatha describes in awtwb: sitting so close together while watching TV Simon is sweating all over her, while he puts his arm around her. It’s already a thing he wouldn’t be comfortable doing in front of her parents. 

“I wanted her parents to trust me,” Simon dated Agatha in survival mode. Even being together is survival. When he tells her “I love you,” his thinking mirror battle strategies rather than emotions. Here, he shows an awareness of expectations for boys like him. He didn’t want her parents thinking he can’t be trusted to be in their house when they weren’t around because he would be “a horny boy trying to get his way with their daughter” or some shit. He was aware of such expectations, and he performed with Agatha because that’s what he’s supposed to want, isn’t it? This is what happens in relationships, what leads to a future and a family and fitting it. This is what you do if you don’t want to be left behind, isn’t it? But at the same time, he didn’t want these expectations to leave him with nowhere to go. It’s a lot, and he was on alert. 

And with the way it’s phrased, it’s all in Simon’s head. He doesn’t say the parents did shit that cause him to adjust his behavior, it was coming from him. Because he just didn’t like to touch Agatha, period. Not as a boyfriend. He’s not like “I had to restrain myself” in front of her parents, he simply didn’t like it. So he put internal blocks here. Simon’s priority in that paragraph is parental acceptance. It’s getting the adults to trust him. And it makes sense that he expresses it like this, without much examination, because this is only 6 months after awtbw. It took him more than a year after they broke up to process in real time with Baz that he was never into Agatha, it makes sense he hasn’t dedicated any more time to this. And this thought occurred to him because of a situation with parents that triggered it. It also occurs to me: between this and Simon’s initial reaction when Baz asks, it seems like Simon considers "getting physical” with Agatha as something no one has to know, as in, this is something that’s embarrassing or shameful. And Simon is not at all a reserved “i just don’t like PDA” kind of guy – he was rubbing his cock on Baz in a library! A public space! Simon worries about “being gay” outside for a while, but when he’s working through this and they’re finally progressing, Baz notes he seems to get off on public displays of affection! So to dislike being public with Agatha, a straight relationship that is accepted by everyone and their mothers, it’s indicative of just disliking touching Agatha.

In contrast, what holds Simon back from touching Baz is external (a potentially hostile environment, where the parents are visibly “miserable” because of his presence). When Simon and Baz go to have dinner with Baz's parents, it’s the one (1) time Simon truly and fully enters survival mode in their relationship, and he notes “these adults are not going to trust me even if we’re sitting like we’re leaving room for Jesus.” It’s the complete opposite to the situation with Agatha, where Simon wanted parental approval, where she wasn’t the priority at all, and he didn’t like touching her, anyway. Here, Baz is Simon’s priority. Here, Simon has to restrain himself from touching Baz, and it makes him miserable, even though it’s only been a couple of hours at most. Here, Baz touch is linked to sustenance (breakfast). Touching Baz is as vital to Simon as eating. It makes him giddy. Not touching him it’s like torture. We get none of that “I don’t like PDA in front of parents/other people” he touches him and calls him babe in front of everyone with God As His Witness. He has 0 issues here. He doesn’t give a fuck. 

And his horny reactions to Baz helping him with his clothes is worlds apart from how uncomfortable he was with even the idea sex in CO or even in part of WS in his head, when he’s telling you Baz is the only person he has ever wanted “like this.” (Simon can’t even think the word sex, it’s memory Baz who says it.) If you consider Simon’s expertize with undoing Baz’s tie here, and the way Simon was regularly jumping Baz and thinking about his cock around him in awtwb, it all paints the picture of a Simon who has become “sexually liberated” in a way he never has before. He’s having sex regularly with his boyfriend and you bet your ass he fucking wants it. You bet he’s prioritizing it and making the time for it. Godbless.  

#snow for christmas #snow for christmas spoilers #awtwb #simon snow #agatha wellbelove #snowbaz #baz pitch

[acephantoms]

Warning: This post will contain spoilers for Netflix’s Wednesday - do tread carefully.

Why I Think Wednesday Addams (particularly this adaptation) is AroAce.

———

Quick Definitions of Terms I’ll Be Using:

AroAce: someone who is on both the Asexual and Aromantic spectrum.

Asexual: experiencing little to no sexual attraction.

Aromantic: experiencing little to no romantic attraction.

Demiromantic: does not experience romantic attraction until they have formed a deep emotional connection with someone.

Greyromantic: experiencing romantic attraction but very infrequently.

——— Now let’s begin:

So I recently watched Wednesday and absolutely loved it!! I noticed specific things about this Wednesday that made me think she was AroAce. Despite her having feelings for Tyler, the way she acted around these non-platonic relations felt very familiar. I will say though, Tyler and her romance felt very forced (personally), but i digress.

In the first episode, Wednesday expresses to her parents, specifically her mother how she will “never be like her” and wishes to “never marry, or have kids” etc. which already began to intrigue me. An attitude and notion I had from a young age as well (and still agree with). Secondly, while on the drive to the academy, we see Wednesday get increasingly uncomfortable by her parents affection for each other (yes in general it can be gross to see our parents this way, but the nauseous feeling she mentions is relatable).

A Brief Look at Tyler & Wednesday:

A lot of the ways that Wednesday would react to Tyler’s advances in trying to be more than friends, she didn’t really pick up on (such as his attempts to flirt or ask her out). An example being, Tyler outside of the police station talking with Wednesday, “i thought you liked me” - Wednesday has this familiar face of confusion (and realization) that some might call asexual obliviousness (can’t tell when someone’s flirting, thinks their just being nice). At least, it’s familiar to me haha. Even when they do start to consider being more than friends, we see Wednesday sort of still confused by this possible romantic feelings that she hadn’t really taken the time to notice. Since beginning at the academy - She firstly never really had friends until going to the academy, and secondly, upon making friends then began to develop a romantic attraction.

Personally with such evidence that I saw, I would headcanon her as Asexual Demiromantic OR as Asexual Greyromantic. Maybe bias as an Asexual Demiromantic myself, but her character just felt too familiar in her sense of exploring platonic and non-platonic feelings.

Addressing some Misconceptions:

I’ve seen some discourse on here about people either wanting:

1) Enid & Wednesday as a ship

OR 2) to be AroAce.

I think some folks forget that AroAce people can still be in romantic relationships (or sexual relationships) and engage in romantic/sexual activities. Aromanticism and Asexuality have a broad spectrum of identities under their umbrella terms.

Enid, Wednesday, Tyler (and Xavier) thoughts:

I honestly think Enid & Wednesday would make a cute couple!! Tyler & Wednesday were okay, but like i said it felt VERY forced. Not entirely sure if they are trying to set up Xavier and Wednesday but I would like to see more female - male platonic relationships too. Don’t need to always have them in a relationship ugh!! Final reminder: AroAce folk can still be in relationships!! Also you’re valid!! 💗

Anyways,

thanks for reading my little tangent!! /gen

Let me know what you think in the comments!! [Any form of aphobic comments will be removed!] - Using tone indicators would be appreciated!! <3

#Wednesday #Wednesday Addams #Netflix #Wednesday Netflix #Netflix Wednesday #Netflix Wednesday Spoilers #Wednesday Netflix Spoilers #Headcanon #AroAce Headcanon #AroAce #Addams Family #The Addams Family #Renew Wednesday #Queer #LGBTQ2IA+ #AroAce Is Valid #Asexual #Aromantic #Demiromantic #Greyromantic #Wednesday Addams Discussion #Jenna Ortega #Tangent #Headcanon AroAce

[sophiamariabeckett]

I haven't read Benedict's book yet. I'm sorry, I just got started. How is he different in the book? What's problematic? I mean the author has some...issues but what should I prepare for?

AOFAG is definitely my favorite in the series since I loved Benedict in the show and I’m also a sucker for Cinderella retellings, but the book definitely has mixed reviews.

Overall review:

I’ve only read the first 5 books but writing wise this book is mid; you can tell JQ was not invested in this story or couple compared to books 2 and 4. There were lots of paragraphs just summarizing what had happened in the story rather than her actually writing it. Even with my criticisms I still greatly enjoyed the book. Since I read the books in order aofag was quite refreshing since book 1 and 2 are similar plot wise; I loved how we were in the country, how Benedict and Sophie spent a lot of one on one time together and got to see a lot of Violet and the girls. Sophie is an amazing character and her and Benedict have a great connection. The book is also pretty funny!

Book Benedict vs Show Benedict:

So since I watched the show before reading the books, I went in imagining Benedict being show Ben. As I’ve said before depending on if you’ve seen the show first, your experience and opinion differ.

Book Benedict is tired about his life of parties and in great need of something more in life. Very much to where he was at the end of season 2! He’s a bit duller and arrogant compared to the light Luke brings to Benedict, and has a temper which I wonder if they’ll explore more in the show. Show Ben is a lot more playful and fun, but that’s where I like to mesh the books and show versions. We need to remember Benedict is a rich privileged man so he wants easy solutions in life. He is very passionate and romantic though; the things he says and thinks is so poetic at times.

He’s very insecure and in his head too which I do see them implementing in the show. His whole internal struggle is that he’s the second son and while I’ve seen others say it’s not that big of a problem, I think it was a great way to see how something like that can affect a persons life. As someone who is always compared their cousins and in a big family I definitely related to the feelings he had.

There is also the criticism of the power dynamics him and Sophie have and his advances towards her. This is where envisioning show ben made my reading different. I saw most of the things he did as playful and trying to goad Sophie, and to me they could never resist each other when they were close. They were like magnets and Benedict felt such strong feelings towards Sophie that he was trying to prove that she felt the same even if she expressed otherwise.

He’s so desperate to keep her in his life that he does some things that definitely raise red flags. This may be a spoiler but he asks her to be his mistress and Sophie says no repeatedly, but throughout the book he continues to convince her to be his mistress (No means no ben). It’s not an okay behavior, and in my mind I knew Show Benedict would never do that. I choose what I mesh between the show and books, but I still think it’s important to understand the problems aofag presents.

In the book Benedict does apologize for his behavior and him and Sophie communicate through their conflicts so I did like that part. Even though I love Benedict and Sophie I can still see where the critiques come from and can understand why others hate him and dislike the book lol.

#ask belle #benedict bridgerton #anon

[looniecartooni]

Been getting back into Little Shop of Horrors lately. Although- I just saw the 1960 original movie and I’ve gotta say...

I kind of feel like the play did Audrey dirty. I mean- I can understand trying to make her more of a prominent character and why certain parts of the movie were switched around for the stage play (Seymour’s mom was a weird character. She was a little funny in her own right, but really felt out of place). Audrey did lack a bit of character and personality aside from being a sweet girl, but she at least had a bit of standards.

In the movie, she was weirded out by Seymour’s mom’s weird food items and didn’t like when “Seymour” started acting strange and demanding all of a sudden. Poor Audrey in the stage play gets abused by the sadistic dentist who had a rather minor role in the movie, but seriously got dialed up in the musical. And when confronted with the idea that she was dying- she was seriously way too willing to be sacrificed to the thing that tried to kill her and many others while in the movie, she well... lives.

I can understand wanting to give her more of a personality and more of a role to relate and sympathize with so that Seymour gets the girl in the end (which happens in only the 1988 movie version for sequel purposes and because the 1988 test audience didn’t like the dark ending clashing with the film’s rather cartoony silly vibe). But still- Audrey feels robbed of being at least having slightly more standards.

And there was one scene where she was seemingly on a date with Mushnik (which felt out of place too so I can kind of see why that was switched out) while the dentist and her are never seen together. I can get trying to make skid row seem like a much more awful place than the movie made it and giving the dentist a bigger role to where is death almost seems to be rooted for, but making him Audrey’s abusive boyfriend instead of being someone like Mushnik who almost left without paying the check... well it makes sense for theater since its dramatic and again makes Seymour feel like he’s the hero, but then it also makes Audrey suffer in more ways than one. 

I’m not saying she needed to be like a hero with no man’s help or entirely a lousy character for being a woeful girl that just dreams of a better life outside of her awful town and abusive relationship. I’m just saying compared to the source material, she feels a bit reduced from what she was before. And in turn, in the musical it makes Seymour almost feel like a “nice guy” who is clearly the better option Audrey wants- duh! Seymour's given lines like “I don’t like that guy, Mr. Mushnik. Especially how he treats Audrey. She deserves a prince” and “Wipe off your make up, let me see your clean face”. And then in turn Audrey basically says, “Oh sure, I’ll die in a plant for you if it means you’ll continue living good. Even if you did kill my ex boyfriend and our ex-boss.” 1960 Audrey at least was kind of willing to ask, “Why are you acting this way, Seymour? I don’t get what’s come over you. At least sort it out before you go out with me again.”

Now granted- the 1960 film, the musical, and the 1988 adaptation are all extremely good with a couple questionable things here and there for good reason and a lot of funny jokes. Each has their own unique way of telling their story and they tell it well. The musical was aiming to tell a Faust like story in a time when female love interests usually were displayed in a certain way so that the main male love interest can kind of be seen as the better option. And obviously on the stage, it needs to be dramatic. 1960 Audrey wasn’t a feminist icon or anything and there wasn’t a lot to her. The only thing we really knew she wanted was Seymour because he was sweet and Seymour did things like name a plant after her. I’m not even sure why Mushnik and Audrey went out on a fancy dinner together- neither really expressed interest in one another aside from maybe extending Mushnik’s flower business. But Audrey seemed less... ditzy in the 1960′s version which isn’t always common for 1960′s movies and Seymour wasn’t really given motives to kill (which did make kind of silly things happen that were understandably turned around- like Seymour getting hypnotized by Audrey Jr. and pursued by a seriously persistent hooker).

Well- long essay short, I can see why certain parts of the 1960 version was changed around for the play, but that in turn may’ve made Audrey’s character feel robbed of what standards she had. But the play version also shows a girl so broke down by the abuse she went through that she thinks in her perhaps dying moments, sacrificing herself to her new love interest means she’s giving him and herself serenity. Just a part of me wishes that there was at least able to be a blend between the original Audrey and the musical Audrey so she’d at least seem slightly less passive.

I’m also not saying that Seymour was a hero by any means either. The decision to make Audrey II play on his desires makes for a slightly more interesting take than a hungry plant that eats bodies Seymour accidentally killed. Audrey was one of his greatest desires and him feeling like he was somehow just in his attempt to kill Orin (rather than somehow accidently stab him in a silly duel- the 1960 movie relied heavily on comedy more than deep motives like the musical). But in making Audrey more damsel-in-distress kind of, we also end up getting a more pick me/ nice guy Seymour rather than the 1960 sorta clueless Seymour that just really likes Audrey and that Audrey supported. Of course, Seymour needs sympathy as well and at least some form of seemingly noble intentions when being the protagonist that wants the girl, but having Audrey being too willing to die for him when movie Audrey is willing to walk out on him (granted a little unfairly because it was Audrey Jr. who kept being “weird”) and asking he’d get his act together while asking why he won’t explain himself at least gave her at least some form of grit in the situation.

Perhaps it only makes sense in context of the movie rather than the play, but I stand my ground... Audrey I deserved better.

#little shop of horrors #essay #arguement #movies #musicals #audrey ii #I wrote another essay- dang it #I feel Audrey deserved better

[brattata]

Hi I wanted to send in my info for a Genshin impact matchup. I chose B, I, L from the fluff alphabet. I’m over 18. My pronouns are she/her and I prefer men for my matchups. Thank you! ❤️

Personality: INTJ 3w4. I tend to act very arrogant and cocky as a defense mechanism. I don't like being vulnerable with people because it's not their job to worry about my problems. I come across very calm and collected and people rely on me for advice but not a very trusting person so I don’t really let myself depend on anyone. People have said I’m a lot more charismatic than I think I am. I'm really analytical and am good at finding loopholes and working around problems under pressure. I'm not good with emotional support and can come across a little cold because of that. I'm not that expressive (outwardly at least because I'm actually really emotional I just hide it well) and have a hard time relaxing or enjoying things because I've been conditioned to always consider how it will look on mine and my family's reputation. I'm a perfectionist and hold myself to very high standards. I appear very confident but it’s like a “I feel like I’m the worst so I act like I’m the best” situation. Because I’m not very expressive with my emotions and most people’s first impression of me is they find me intimidating and think I look mean. My intelligence is my favorite thing about myself (while I know I’m good looking I absolutely hate when that’s the only thing people compliment because it feels like empty words) because it’s undeniable and I know no matter what I can think my way out of anything. I look intimidating but I'm actually just socially awkward and suck at small talk (because it seems kind of pointless to me). I also have a short temper but there's only certain specific people that can get me to actually lose my patience and explode. I constantly chase perfection for myself and try to be the most idealized version of myself. My love language is giving gifts but I'm not sure what my love language to receive is. Some negative traits are I try to handle everything alone, I have a big ego, and and I can be kind of mean. If I’m really invested in a competition all bets are off and I will literally do whatever I have to do to win because I believe things don’t just happen within the bounds of the rules. As for dating I’ve notice I tend to get bored very quickly and once I do I completely lose interest in the person so whoever I’m with needs to be interesting enough for me to never feel bored or stuck in the relationship. (Some characters I really relate to are Chevalier Michel, Vanitas, Mikey and Ran Haitani (Tokyo revengers), Oikawa, and Kaguya Shinomiya.

Hobbies/Likes: I love fashion and I've been a model since I was 14, I used to do pageants as a kid, I make my own music and music is probably the thing I love the most. It's really what I use to process the world so music is definitely the way to my heart. I can't play any instruments but I can sing and do digital music production. (I've always wanted to be in a rock band) I'm a good artist but I don't like doing it on a deadline (I took an AP art class back in high school and didn't draw for 2 years after it cuz I hated being forced to draw. It's like when something you like becomes a chore) I've gotten back into drawing recently tho. I've also been doing martial arts since I was 7 + fencing. I'm good at chess and poker and made money from playing/betting on games when I was younger. I also love reading.

In order for me to like or fall in love with someone I first have to actually have a certain level of respect for them which must be earned. In the “get to know" stage I subtly test the person a lot to see how they react or respond to certain things. It's like a test they don't know his happening but that will determine if our relationship is gonna go further. And they will probably need to be persistent enough if they reciprocate my feelings to deal with the fact that it’s gonna take me a while to open up to them or trust them enough to get into a relationship and I might try to push them away several times (I’m just being realistic about what I do ik it’s bad😭). I also like people who challenge me and inspire me to be even better but not when they overstep and belittle me with their challenges. I also want to see effort and thoughtfulness from the person like for dates I don’t care if it’s super fancy or not I just want to see that they really put thought into the it and what I’d like. Same goes with gifts or any gestures really. And they also have to have a few screws loose and be crazy enough to go along with all my plans and trust that I’m smart enough to get us through unscathed. All this said I’m always the dominant one in my life and I don’t want to be the dominant one in the relationship I’m tired of taking care of everyone I want to be taken care of. I also despise the word mommy do not ever call me that

Dislikes/Dealbreakers: Misogyny (when people especially men undermine my intelligence and experience and end up making a mistake I warned them about only to listen when another man repeats the same thing l've been saying since the beginning), big egos with nothing to back it up, people who can't keep up with me (I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone whose hand I have to hold all the time. They need to be on the same level/wavelength as me and not drag me down), being a coward and not standing up for your own beliefs/motives, people that are way too nice (whoever I end up with has to have a mean streak because it shows they are able to take action when needed), being self absorbed and not considering the consequences of your actions. I absolutely hate being called spoiled or entitled or a princess (usually this happens because people are jealous), I may have expensive taste but that doesn’t give anyone the right to discredit the amount of work I put into myself and everything I do. People who talk big about what they’re going to do and never follow up with it. People who have a moral superiority complex that think they're better than me for not wanting to break rules to get what they want. People who can't take responsibility for what they do (Everything I do is on purpose so even if it's a bad thing I'll admit to it because whatever happens as a result is no one's problem but my own). Although I will say there's sometimes an exception to these things depending on the person and situation. Personality wise I do not usually get along with ESFPS and INTPS. (I don’t want to be matched with Itto. He’s so funny but I don’t think I could ever date him.)

Extra Stuff: I’m a Gemini Sun, Scorpio Moon, Virgo Rising and Cancer Venus. If I was in genshin (this is just based on quizzes I took) I’d probably be an electro polearm.

Welcome, and thanks for joining my event!

I thought a lot about this one. 🤔 Initially I was leaning towards Kaeya, and I do think you’d have chemistry. He would enjoy the challenge of trying to fluster get to know you, and you’d never be bored with him. But I think he’d give up a little too easily - and I also personally see him as a secret lonely softie who would want to be doted on a little more than you’re into. Instead, imo the best match for you is…

Kamisato Ayato!

He looks so cool in this GIF

You have a lot in common in terms of your values, background, and personality traits, which helps you understand each other very well but may also lead to some challenges. I don’t see this being a super warm and fuzzy relationship, but it’s one with a strong foundation of mutual admiration and respect. Ayato can, and will, and loves to take care of you, but he also very much appreciates that you can handle yourself too (he’s overworked as it is 😭). He’s probably the Genshin guy who most understands the pressure of family reputation and obligations, and he’ll never view you as spoiled. He doesn’t have a mean streak per se, but he definitely has a sly/mischievous streak, and though his approach is usually subtle he’s not afraid to do what it takes to get things done. Also, as a Raiden/Xingqiu main, I just love that Electro/Hydro synergy, you know? 👌

B is for Beauty

Your poised and confident demeanor is what first attracted him to you. You're like frost on Mount Yougou - beautiful, elegant, and serene, but cold and distant at the same time. He's not easily intimidated, rather he thinks your carefully controlled persona is a testament to your mental fortitude. As he gets to know you more, he really comes to admire your observational skills and out-of-the-box thinking, and to appreciate the little moments of vulnerability you let him see from time to time.

I is for Inspiration

I think Ayato could help soften some of your edges a little bit, if you're open to that. Like you he's very calculating and charismatic, but he also has some of the smalltalk and schmoozing skills you lack, and he has a knack for winning without making others feel like losers. On the other hand, I think Ayato would find being around you very refreshing. Sometimes it's nice to spend time with someone straightforward and to the point who doesn't want or need anything from him other than companionship.

L is for Love Confession

In his (very limited) downtime, one thing Ayato enjoys is playing games with you. He has a lot of fun playing chess with you, and even more fun teaching you shogi. He's really amused (but not surprised) how quickly you pick it up. The first time you force him into a resignation he says, "Clever play, my love," and then just kind of keeps playing like he didn't say anything, leaving the next move up to you. If you express interest too, then I think his next step would probably be a formal proposal. I don't see him as the type for casual dating - if he's making time in his life for you, it's because he wants and expects you to have a future together.

Thanks again for participating, and for your follow. Hope you enjoyed the matchup! 🥰

#alphabet matchup event #genshin impact matchup #genshin impact x reader #kamisato ayato x reader

[imnobodyuknow]

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.  ; )

(Epilepsy Warning Ahead)

So, after completing CrossCode: A New Home a few months ago (which I meant to do a review of, but didn’t get around to it, sadly), I was thoroughly delighted by the continuation of the game’s story and the extra challenges included in it, both story-related and optional.  That being said, I still think even Masahiro Sakurai would start crying after attempting some of those puzzles.

But putting all that to the side, I especially loved the fact that Lea and her “people,” shall we say, now had their own place to live, work, play, and (ahem) talk with one another.  Searching for the hidden treasure chests in it was also a fun challenge -- one that turned out to be pretty easy after some exploration, in fact, which is one of my favorite things to find in any adventure game.

There was one thing I found strange about Lea’s new house, however.  On the second floor is a big screen TV with a game console and stereo system (a gamer’s dream, in other words):

When you interact with the TV, you’ll discover that it only has one available setting, which I like to call “Super Rave Mode,” with music blaring from the speakers and color-changing lights flashing everywhere.

I couldn’t help but wonder what the reason for this could be.  Is that how the stereo system was designed, is that just how Lea likes it, or is it something else?  We’ll probably never know, but...I do have a theory.

It’s at least a possibility, wouldn’t you say?  You know someone’s a true friend when they take the opportunity to punk you every now and then.  X D

You’ll probably notice a few artistic flaws if you’ve studied drawing (if not, feel free to skip this part).  For one thing, Lea appears to be much taller than the TV in the first two panels, so the next three panels make no sense unless her legs suddenly got a lot shorter.  For another, her head seems a bit smaller in the third panel than in the others.  Proportions are still not my strong suit, apparently, but hey, at least I was able to notice it, right?

The miniature panel inside the fourth panel a little hard to notice, too, but it was still worth doing anyway, I think.  I always love it when comic artists get creative with their panels instead of making them the same every time, so I thought I’d try it out.

And strangely enough, those are all the flaws I can think of at the moment.  How about that?  X )  The tree in the sixth panel might have looked a little better if I hadn’t tried to draw its texture with the colored pencils, but...eh, why sweat the details?

Speaking of the sixth panel, you may notice one of my OCs hidden in it if you look closely enough.

He looks like a bubble with eyes, for reference.

There were a lot of details to figure out for this drawing (especially that last panel, which took me a few days to finish), but I had fun trying to get all of them right.  I used the above snapshot of the second floor of Lea’s house for the first five panels, while Lea herself was made after the picture of her found on the game’s pause screen:

Her facial expression in the first panel came from her “awed” sprite,

the one in the third panel is a variation on her “happy” sprite,

and the on in the fifth panel is based on her “annoyed” sprite (which I’ve only seen when she talks to a very loud Shad).

I also used the picture of her seen on the file menu during the epilogue as a reference for her profile in the fourth panel.

And of course, good old Emilie was made after her “grinning” sprite, with a few wrinkles added to her forehead.

I just have to say, nobody grins like that girl.  It’s not as adorable as Natsuki’s grin, maybe, but it’s still quite lovely.

And finally, the sixth panel was based on the area outside Lea’s house.  Duplicating it was a pretty fun (if time-consuming) challenge.

I have since reached that silver chest on her roof in case you’re wondering.  After a lot of exploring around, that is.

One more thing I should add: Much as I enjoyed drawing this and so many other things with pencils and paper, I’ve lately been considering making a transition to digital art from now on.  It’s not that I’ve stopped enjoying traditional drawing (in fact, I’ll probably continue making it to some degree), but I’ve started noticing of how much time can be saved by choosing digital drawing instead -- no smudges, easily undoing mistakes, easy rotation, zooming, etc., so...I’m beginning to think that may just be the better option for me.  That’s not a final decision, though, so I guess we’ll see how it plays out.  If I can’t decide, maybe I’ll let you all take a vote on it.  You’re my audience, after all, so you may as well have a say in it.  ; ) 

In any case, farewell for now and thank you for indulging in my love and appreciation for CrossCode.  Or as Lea would say, “Bye!  Thanks!”  She’s very good at being succinct like that.  X )

#cuphead #cuphead: the delicious last course #chef saltbaker #crosscode #emilie sophie de belmond #lea #whyyyyyyyy?

[harleythealter]

I’m tired of the people who offer free diagnoses. I can respect and understand some self diagnoses. I don’t need a doctor to tell me that I deal with depression. That would cost money that doesn’t need to be spent.

Usually it’s harmless, something I’ve tried to reach myself to become immune to. It’s like hearing about tragedies on the news, after so many, you just stop crying and it’s not so upsetting anymore. I just got tired of people diagnosing me with ADHD or ADD. Really, it’s not their place. I didn’t ask for their opinion. They didn’t ask if I wanted their opinions conceding MY mental health. It makes me bone deep exhausted.

Some people suggest that I’m depressed-in certain seasons. Usually that comes after months of confusion as to why I’m functioning a certain way. It’s less offensive because it’s often accurate.

But it’s so confusing to have people ask me thinks similar to… ‘do your characters talk to you?’ ‘Can you see your characters?’ ‘Do you feel like sometimes you are your characters?’

On and on. And I feel panicked because I see what they’re suggesting. I’ve even asked to clarify and make sure I’m not assuming. And when I ask if they’re really trying to figure out if I might ‘see’ things-also known as hallucinating. Or if I believe I have multiple people inside of me… there’s so many things that can relate to. I get the most panicked because how do I respond? The answer is no, I don’t hallucinate in the way you suggest and no, those people aren’t apart of me… but… I mean they do come from me… Harley especially. I gift my OCs parts of me to keep safe… and yes I see them… but only through my stories… they don’t stand next to me. Though they do certainly comfort me more than most people who are next to me ever could. Also… they don’t speak to me… but I do hear them all of the time. I often refer to harley as the person making the jokes… but Harley got his sense of humor from me. How else do we cover up our insecurities? So is it me or is it Harley? I mean. I’m one person, right? But how do I explain the fact that Harley feels like a shadow living just to the right of my skin. As if we’re a drawing in red and blue, two different images depending on what lense you look through. How do I express that Harley isn’t real if he’s made up of very real parts of me? If he’s almost if not 100% me?

Do you see these questions that come up just from somebody trying to diagnose me? TEENAGERS WITHOUT ENOUGH EDUCATION OR EVEN EXPERIENCE?????????

And that’s not the least of it. I deal with enough identity searching while deciding who I want to be that when people ask me questions that suggest things like this, especially without permission I feel disrespected as if they don’t actually care. Which I can’t say for sure if that is or isn’t the case, I don’t live their life. But diagnosing others without permission isn’t always welcomed and I need a break. It’s been over a year and a half and it’s still stuck there, wondering, questioning.

*insert semi laughter* I can’t forget to mention all the times I use plural pronouns… “yeah we’re all okay over here”… it’s just me over here… right? How does that even fit into it? Is that me talking? Is it Harley? How the fuck am I supposed to know? I mean, all the years I spent with a blurred connection between me and the world, maybe Harley just took over.

Oh. My. God. I never realized this next part. I’ll change the color for ya.

In my story… Harley wasn’t the original. Harper was the “born” person if that makes sense. After her childhood traumatic incidents, she changed. Short way to explain the rest is that Harley is a mask. Harley and Harper are one coherent person with a different name for a different state of mind. But Harley is louder, funnier. Mostly he’s confident. Harper is quiet. She feels more secure in who she is even if she doesn’t want that to be the only part of her. She doesn’t force herself to smile, she’s graceful to herself and loves her family deeply. Harley is capable of this too. But there’s still some sort of split.

Connecting that back to me… What if I use Harley as my mask as well… he makes those loud confident jokes. I feel as though I’m secure through him. There’s a sense that nobody will know me better than Harley. I seriously think that Harley had saved me from myself. Maybe he didn’t stop the trauma but he was somebody I could rely on-because I was able to write him whenever. Of course all of this makes it even harder to prove that he’s not ‘me’. I know he’s fiction. That’s the truth. But how do I prove that to myself when everything suggests that in some fashion, Harley is something more?

It drives me nearly insane trying to understand this. Because he’s more than an imaginary friend. I’m aware of his fictional status but it’s hard to separate him from the real world when all of our ‘symptoms’ suggest we aren’t so separate. And when I mentioned us feeling like a blue and red drawing, why did that resonate so deeply? Why do I question myself so deeply.

And why is it that I do not feel this way with all of my other characters? Harley wasn’t my first OC. He was my fourth(-ish. He and Mazie developed at the same time). But still. What makes Harley and I different? Why do we feel more like one piece than two? But also like two very different people at the same time?

Also. Bringing it full circle. Can you see what happens to me when you suggest a diagnosis? Yes. I should be stronger to not entertain some of these thoughts but it’s actually not your place to try to insert yourself into this area of my life.

Respectfully-or not. I don’t care how you take this anymore. Shut the fuck up and get out of my private business.

Thanks guys. :P

#tw depressing thoughts #excuse the swearing #is Harley my alter? #does anybody know my mental status? #I need something to stop my thoughts from moving so fast #maybe I should just go to sleep #I think that’s it for tonight #harleythealter

[lenteur]

random thoughts about run on, episode eight

(please do note that this post contains spoilers so read at your own risk.)

i forgot to talk about this in my previous post but it’s like the roles were reversed between mi joo and ji woo (seon gyeom’s mother). yook ji woo became sort of a fan of mi joo because she stood up to ki jeong do. it might be only in my head but i thought of it that way :)

once again, mi joo tells seon gyeom to care for himself before others. this time, it’s due to the fact that his father still has a hold on him. she doesn’t want him to suffer more than he has already

this episode was full of funny scenes, the first one being yeong hwa thinking he’ll have a “date” with seo dan ah but he ended up with mr. jeong. his facial expressions were priceless

when mi joo yeong hwa and seon gyeom end up getting drinks with each other, it felt like seon gyeom was the third wheel lol he tried to step in the conversation but he immediately killed the vibe. sorry but this isn’t about you sweetie

that scene between dan ah and tae woong was heartbreaking. the only reason he keeps trying to talk to dan ah is because she’s the only one who doesn’t treat him as if he’s invisible. “it also takes effort to hate someone” when you love someone, you’re willing to go through a lot and tae woong is the proof of that

i thought it was interesting when dong gyeong said that seon gyeom’s natural gift was to motivate people. it’s true that while he doesn’t know what to do now that his career has officially ended, he has that gift that allows him to motivate people. you can see that when he interacts with the kids he sponsors/coaches, even with mi joo. he’s the one to encourage her to eat better/run etc. i definitely agree with dong gyeong’s statement

just like i said in one (or several) of my previous posts, i’m grateful that they show a lot of scenes with seon gyeom’s family. in this episode, his mother acknowledges the fact that he did “raise himself”. she thought it was easy to have kids, that they would mature with time but it’s not that easy. she thanks her son for being the way he is even when she wasn’t the best mother. that’s why she’s okay that he doesn’t have a job. she wants to give back his kindness. it’s the least she could do

finally my wishes were fulfilled! we saw little moments of mi joo translating. i’m even more thankful because i’ve never translated in these conditions and i was able to see what it was like. i’m aware that this doesn’t represent every translator that had to do this job but i’m sure some could relate to these scenes. 

one thing i’d like to point out when they showed these scenes is the importance of communication. mi joo couldn’t translate every demand the director has made because she was in a rush but she did her best. result: the scene wasn’t 100% exactly what the director has asked for but she came up to apologize and ask for a little more time to translate. and i like that they showed this. for a translator, it’s crucial to be able to communicate clearly with all the people who took part in a project so everyone can be happy in the end. in episode two or three (i don’t remember), mi joo talked about being a bridge between two cultures/languages and the movie scenes are a great example of that. without mi joo (or any other translator), there would be a completely different end result.

i told you i would annoy/bore you with my long paragraphs about translation. it wasn’t a joke!

“you know what it’s like. you feel safe only when you’re part of a group as a kid. and, as an adult, you live in fear of being ostracized” this drama is full of quotes that will be imprinted in my brain forever

#i'd like to apologize for any grammatical error </3 #i've caught myself butchering some words several times so it won't be a surprise if i mispelled words #or if i wrote sentences that make little to no sense :( #that's because i'm super tired today #the sun is not my friend... i lose energy whenever i go out in sunny weather #kdrama #run on #random(al) thoughts

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Well, I feel fucking terrible. My voice is completely gone, I don’t have a thermometer but I half of me is very hot and half of me is very cold and I’m sure I have a fever, and I’ve gotten out of breath from walking about eight metres to the bathroom, and I cough every time I sit up. This is not a good day. Here are some things I think about that:

1) Katherine Ryan can fuck off, actually, with telling the audience of a show I was in last month that COVID is no big deal, she knows because she had it twice and it was fine for her so of course that means no one should worry about it (yes she was joking when she said it, but she paired that joke with a whole routine that genuinely defended anti-vaxxers, also I realize that most people have it much worse than Katherine or I and they’re the ones who actually matter but I feel like absolute shit right now and even if it got no worse than my situation, that would still be bad enough for it to be worth caring about COVID). And for saying only weird extreme people would still wear thick masks these days and would get another booster shot. I had a fourth shot booked, and then I canceled it because I unexpectedly went out of town during the week of the appointment, and I didn’t get around to rebooking it. I so wish I hadn’t made that mistake.

I’m not trying to cancel Katherine Ryan or whatever, I’m just mad right now and that’s as good a place as any to direct it.

2) I’m actually freaking out a little right now. Logically I know it’s okay. But I’ve always had health anxiety, obviously the pandemic has made it much worse, and now, for the first time in a couple of years (aside from when I got sick May, but I never really thought that was COVID and it wasn’t nearly as bad as this), I have an actual reason to be anxious about my own health. COVID passes fairly soon for most people, but for some people it lasts months or longer and some people end up in the hospital or worse and I’m pretty terrified that I went out on one night and ruined my entire fucking life by doing that.

So having said that… anyone got any distractions or good comfort things to watch/read/listen to in this situation? No More Jockeys has been amazing all day, though I’ve had to take breaks from looking at the screen when I get too much of a headache. Those three guys have been getting me through this so far, and they’ve done it very well and it’s pretty much the perfect thing for me to watch when I need something easy enough so I can focus on it and nice enough to be a comfort and engaging enough to be a distraction. But in case this lasts a while, anyone have any other ideas for similar things? Or, and I’m just going to come right out and ask for what I want here, anyone want to tell me something that might cheer me up? Because I’ve been doing this all day but now it’s nighttime and I can’t sleep.

3) Oh come on, Mark Watson was not cheating with his pen, he maybe cheated once with his phone but I’m starting to think he probably didn’t even actually do that. People in the YouTube comments, stop giving him shit for that, because it is genuinely bothering me to see him try to suppress his fidgetiness. Speaking as someone who’s supposed to start an in-person job-like thing next week, and I’m pretty fucking sure it won’t start on Monday anymore but it’ll start whenever I’m better (you know, assuming I haven’t ruined my whole life), and I’m anxiously thinking about how while I’m there I’m going to have to constantly remind myself to keep my hands still and keep my gaze in one place and try for eye contact and make sure I’m not doing any weird gestures because I’d like to seem normal enough for this to lead to an actual job… speaking as someone who’s going to have to do that in a proper professional environment, stop making me watch someone do it when he’s just getting drunk with friends in a YouTube show. Give the man back his clicky pens.

…That last point was not actually related to my current illness, but I wanted to express it anyway. Though Watson is helping me out in a couple of ways today. Whenever I get anxious on a flight, I think about all the people I know who fly all the time and it’s no big deal. My friend who’s a pilot. My dad, who used to travel frequently for work. My friends in my sport who are more successful than I am, and fly to international tournaments all the time. Professional sportspeople or entertainment people who are always flying around. I think if it’s okay for all of them to do this all the time and they’re almost always safe, then it’s not likely to go wrong when I do it only rarely.

This makes no sense, but the safest I’ve ever felt on a flight was when I once traveled to a tournament with a coach who was also a three-time Olympic medalist, and has all kinds of other accolades and is one of the most famous people in our sport worldwide. I kept thinking… obviously [this quite important person] isn’t going to die on a two-hour flight between two pretty unimportant cities, to a tournament that’s a big deal to me but basically nothing to her. That would be ridiculous. It doesn’t happen that we turn on social media and learn that a major figure in our community is gone because of something like that. Obviously this plane isn’t going to crash.

Actually, the flight to that tournament might be the second least anxious I’ve ever felt on a plane. The least anxious is after that tournament, during which I’d had a terrible weekend and drank until 5:30 AM and was nowhere near sober when I flew home a few hours later. Even though I did not happen to share the plane home with anyone who was more important than my most important teammate (and that person was kind of a big deal, but not such a big deal that they’d keep a plane in the air with their sheer stardom), but I was drunk so it was fine. Actually every time I’ve been on a plane drunk I’ve felt fine. Does anyone want to hear a Drive-By Truckers song about that? I was playing this on repeat during a whole flight home that I took a couple of weeks ago (at least, I played it during all moments when I was too nervous to focus on the Stewart Lee DVD show that I was trying to watch while not panicking) because its lyrics were appropriate and just fucking great lyrics.

“Well your wishes and your feelings/Your bad dreams and intuitions/Are about as much use to me right now as a brand new set of golf clubs/We've been this close to death before, we were just too drunk to know it/Guess the price of being sober is being scared out of your mind/ When it comes your time to go, ain’t no good way to go about it/Ain't no use in thinking ‘bout it/You'll just drive yourself insane/There comes a time for everything/And the time has come for you, so shut your mouth and get your ass on the plane”

I guess you kind of have to know who the Drive-By Truckers are to know how funny it is to say that someone’s fear of flying is about as useful as a brand new set of golf clubs are to the people in that band. Just trust me, they’re not the sort of people who play golf.

To be honest, I’m feeling a bit drunk right now, despite having resolutely scrapped my plans to consume any alcohol today, due to the invasion of the plague. I’m feeling slightly dizzy and out of it, and it’s possible that the plague is having a similar effect on me that whiskey would. That could be the explanation for why I just went on a mostly irrelevant tangent, or it could just be that that’s my nature. The way that tangent ties into the rest of this post is to say my recent forays into Twitter haven’t been a completely bad thing, because it’s how I know that Mark Watson had to sit out the end of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival due to COVID just a couple of weeks ago. He seemed fine. His chief complaint was that he didn’t want to cancel his shows or miss the festivities, and now he’s out there doing free shows after they cancel his venue. So… if I can convince my brain to accept the fallacious logic that other people being fine on other planes means this particular plane won’t crash, then I can just barely use that same logic to convince myself that if Mark Watson found COVID no problem then I’ll be okay too. The thing about irrational anxiety is sometimes you can beat it with irrational logic.

Anyway, at this point writing this is just vaguely therapeutic for me. It’s another distraction. Let me know if anyone’s got any advice. And thanks for this website and everything, you’re all great.

#Youtube

[mysticalspiders]

Imogen and Invisible Illness

I’ve been ruminating on making a post like this for a while but have never been sure exactly what I wanted to say. But I’ve read some great Imogen meta and meta of the Bell’s Hells in general that has really inspired me to make this post (particularly this post by @darkdisrepair, this post by @funscarylaudna, and this post by @sparring-spirals )

I have never related to a critical role character (and possibly any character) more than I have Imogen. So much of her characterization and details resonate with me on such a deep level. There are probably many reasons for this but I think a big one is that Imogen and her dreams/constant press of people’s thoughts are a good representation of invisible, chronic illness that I think hasn’t been portrayed before (or isn’t portrayed very often, especially in fantasy). 

Imogen resonates with me, particularly as someone who has invisible, chronic illnesses that affect me physically and mentally and has experienced first hand the complected relationship between physical and mental pain.

The way Laura has subtly played both the acceptance of Imogen’s dreams/mind-reading abilities coupled with the desire to learn more and understand and potentially cure (?) them mixed with some of the harsh realities of Imogen’s life (difficulty with crowds, drinking having a negative effect on her health, etc) has been so accurate to my own personal experience. The struggle between feeling the burden of her mind reading/dreams and the acceptance of it. 

The difficulty Imogen has in expressing her need for space away from crowds and how she quietly sacrifices her health for the sake of the group (the ball, bars, etc). 

Imogen’s isolation in being the only one able to experience what she is experiencing and unable to find someone (so far) who truly understands what she goes through (this particularly being heightened by Imogen’s ability to understand what others are going through so much more than others threw her abilities).

The moment that hit me right in the chest was the line “I removed my mask and I'm standing over on the side, hand against the wall, just breathing.” It was played partly as a joke but I have been here before, I have done this. 

Not to mention, the hints of her relationship with her father and his reaction to her powers “It was hard for him, you know? Because I didn't want to be around very many people, and... he just kind of-- distanced himself because he knew it made me more comfortable, and... you know, the people in town started talking, and I think he tried to distance himself socially as well for a while to try to, you know. Not his fault, totally.” When she says these lines I know exactly what she’s talking about because this has been me. When I am my most sick I find it hard to be social and talk to people and so I distance myself from my family and friends and my family and friends distance themselves from me. 

I also have so many feelings about Imogen and Laudna’s connection and friendship and the way the Laudna supports Imogen through this lens (her acceptance of Imogen has she is, her advocacy for Imogen, her calm, grounded support and help). Laudna supports Imogen in such a beautiful way that grounds without minimizing, supports without pitying, listens without judgment or expectation. 

In fact, I think this party as a whole have a lot characters that could be read through chronic illness/disability/neurdivergent lenses. I’m particularly thinking of Imogen, with her telepathic mind and terrible headaches, and Ashton with their jeweled head. But FCG with their unusual body (?) and mind and Laudna with her undeadness fit into this reading and metaphor to a lesser extent as well.

This meta is a mess because I don’t really have much more to say than that I love Imogen and that Imogen might be the character I have most related to in my life and that I have never felt more seen. The representation of invisible illness has been wonderful and I am desperately excited to see how it develops across the rest of this campaign. 

#imogen temult #imogen temult meta #critical role spoilers #critical role #all I want is more analysis of Imogen through this lens #and analysis of the other characters as well actually #i cut a whole section of this meta that compares ashton's reaction to his disability #to imogens reaction to her illness #which I might make into a post of itself #I'm not sure how relevant this post is to other people's experiences #i only know how to write about imogen through this lens in relation to my own experience #would love to here other people's thoughts and ideas #imogen #imogen and invisible illness

[bao3bei4]

fan language: the victorian imaginary and cnovel fandom

there’s this pinterest image i’ve seen circulating a lot in the past year i’ve been on fandom social media. it’s a drawn infographic of a, i guess, asian-looking woman holding a fan in different places relative to her face to show what the graphic helpfully calls “the language of the fan.”

people like sharing it. they like thinking about what nefarious ancient chinese hanky code shenanigans their favorite fan-toting character might get up to⁠—accidentally or on purpose. and what’s the problem with that?

the problem is that fan language isn’t chinese. it’s victorian. and even then, it’s not really quite victorian at all. 

--------------------

fans served a primarily utilitarian purpose throughout chinese history. of course, most of the surviving fans we see⁠—and the types of fans we tend to care about⁠—are closer to art pieces. but realistically speaking, the majority of fans were made of cheaper material for more mundane purposes. in china, just like all around the world, people fanned themselves. it got hot!

so here’s a big tipoff. it would be very difficult to use a fan if you had an elaborate language centered around fanning yourself.

you might argue that fine, everyday working people didn’t have a fan language. but wealthy people might have had one. the problem we encounter here is that fans weren’t really gendered. (caveat here that certain types of fans were more popular with women. however, those tended to be the round silk fans, ones that bear no resemblance to the folding fans in the graphic). no disrespect to the gnc old man fuckers in the crowd, but this language isn’t quite masc enough for a tool that someone’s dad might regularly use.

folding fans, we know, reached europe in the 17th century and gained immense popularity in the 18th. it was there that fans began to take on a gendered quality. ariel beaujot describes in their 2012 victorian fashion accessories how middle class women, in the midst of a top shortage, found themselves clutching fans in hopes of securing a husband.

she quotes an article from the illustrated london news, suggesting “women ‘not only’ used fans to ‘move the air and cool themselves but also to express their sentiments.’” general wisdom was that the movement of the fan was sufficiently expressive that it augmented a woman’s displays of emotion. and of course, the more english audiences became aware that it might do so, the more they might use their fans purposefully in that way.

notice, however, that this is no more codified than body language in general is. it turns out that “the language of the fan” was actually created by fan manufacturers at the turn of the 20th century⁠—hundreds of years after their arrival⁠ in europe—to sell more fans. i’m not even kidding right now. the story goes that it was louis duvelleroy of the maison duvelleroy who decided to include pamphlets on the language with each fan sold.

interestingly enough, beaujot suggests that it didn’t really matter what each particular fan sign meant. gentlemen could tell when they were being flirted with. as it happens, meaningful eye contact and a light flutter near the face may be a lingua franca.

so it seems then, the language of the fan is merely part of this victorian imaginary we collectively have today, which in turn itself was itself captivated by china.

--------------------

victorian references come up perhaps unexpectedly often in cnovel fandom, most often with regards to modesty.

it’s a bit of an awkward reference considering that chinese traditional fashion⁠—and the ambiguous time periods in which these novels are set⁠—far predate victorian england. it is even more awkward considering that victoria and her covered ankles did um. imperialize china.

but nonetheless, it is common. and to make a point about how ubiquitous it is, here is a link to the twitter search for “sqq victorian.” sqq is the fandom abbreviation for shen qingqiu, the main character of the scum villain’s self-saving system, by the way.

this is an awful lot of results for a search involving a chinese man who spends the entire novel in either real modern-day china or fantasy ancient china. that’s all i’m going to say on the matter, without referencing any specific tweet.

i think people are aware of the anachronism. and i think they don’t mind. even the most cursory research reveals that fan language is european and a revisionist fantasy. wikipedia can tell us this⁠—i checked!

but it doesn’t matter to me whether people are trying to make an internally consistent canon compliant claim, or whether they’re just free associating between fan facts they know. it is, instead, more interesting to me that people consistently refer to this particular bit of history. and that’s what i want to talk about today⁠—the relationship of fandom today to this two hundred odd year span of time in england (roughly stuart to victorian times) and england in that time period to its contemporaneous china.

things will slip a little here. victorian has expanded in timeframe, if only because random guys posting online do not care overly much for respect for the intricacies of british history. china has expanded in geographic location, if only because the english of the time themselves conflated china with all of asia.

in addition, note that i am critiquing a certain perspective on the topic. this is why i write about fan as white here⁠—not because all fans are white⁠—but because the tendencies i’m examining have a clear historical antecedent in whiteness that shapes how white fans encounter these novels.

i’m sure some fans of color participate in these practices. however i don’t really care about that. they are not its main perpetrators nor its main beneficiaries. so personally i am minding my own business on that front.

it’s instead important to me to illuminate the linkage between white as subject and chinese as object in history and in the present that i do argue that fannish products today are built upon.

--------------------

it’s not radical, or even new at all, for white audiences to consume⁠—or create their own versions of⁠—chinese art en masse. in many ways the white creators who appear to owe their whole style and aesthetic to their asian peers in turn are just the new chinoiserie.

this is not to say that white people can’t create asian-inspired art. but rather, i am asking you to sit with the discomfort that you may not like the artistic company you keep in the broader view of history, and to consider together what is to be done about that.

now, when i say the new chinoiserie, i first want to establish what the original one is. chinoiserie was a european artistic movement that appeared coincident with the rise in popularity of folding fans that i described above. this is not by coincidence; the european demand for asian imports and the eventual production of lookalikes is the movement itself. so: when we talk about fans, when we talk about china (porcelain), when we talk about tea in england⁠—we are talking about the legacy of chinoiserie.

there are a couple things i want to note here. while english people as a whole had a very tenuous knowledge of what china might be, their appetites for chinoiserie were roughly coincident with national relations with china. as the relationship between england and china moved from trade to out-and-out wars, chinoiserie declined in popularity until china had been safely subjugated once more by the end of the 19th century.

the second thing i want to note on the subject that contrary to what one might think at first, the appeal of chinoiserie was not that it was foreign. eugenia zuroski’s 2013 taste for china examines 18th century english literature and its descriptions of the according material culture with the lens that chinese imports might be formative to english identity, rather than antithetical to it.

beyond that bare thesis, i think it’s also worthwhile to extend her insight that material objects become animated by the literary viewpoints on them. this is true, both in a limited general sense as well as in the sense that english thinkers of the time self-consciously articulated this viewpoint. consider the quote from the illustrated london news above⁠—your fan, that object, says something about you. and not only that, but the objects you surround yourself with ought to.

it’s a bit circular, the idea that written material says that you should allow written material to shape your understanding of physical objects. but it’s both 1) what happened, and 2) integral, i think, to integrating a fannish perspective into the topic.

--------------------

japanning is the name for the popular imitative lacquering that english craftspeople developed in domestic response to the demand for lacquerware imports. in the eighteenth century, japanning became an artform especially suited for young women. manuals were published on the subject, urging young women to learn how to paint furniture and other surfaces, encouraging them to rework the designs provided in the text.

it was considered a beneficial activity for them; zuroski describes how it was “associated with commerce and connoisseurship, practical skill and aesthetic judgment.” a skillful japanner, rather than simply obscuring what lay underneath the lacquer, displayed their superior judgment in how they chose to arrange these new canonical figures and effects in a tasteful way to bring out the best qualities of them.

zuroski quotes the first english-language manual on the subject, written in 1688, which explains how japanning allows one to:

alter and correct, take out a piece from one, add a fragment to the next, and make an entire garment compleat in all its parts, though tis wrought out of never so many disagreeing patterns.

this language evokes a very different, very modern practice. it is this english reworking of an asian artform that i think the parallels are most obvious.

white people, through their artistic investment in chinese material objects and aesthetics, integrated them into their own subjectivity. these practices came to say something about the people who participated in them, in a way that had little to do with the country itself. their relationship changed from being a “consumer” of chinese objects to becoming the proprietor of these new aesthetic signifiers.

--------------------

i want to talk about this through a few pairs of tensions on the subject that i think characterize common attitudes then and now.

first, consider the relationship between the self and the other: the chinese object as something that is very familiar to you, speaking to something about your own self vs. the chinese object as something that is fundamentally different from you and unknowable to you. 

consider: [insert character name] is just like me. he would no doubt like the same things i like, consume the same cultural products. we are the same in some meaningful way vs. the fast standard fic disclaimer that “i tried my best when writing this fic, but i’m a english-speaking westerner, and i’m just writing this for fun so...... [excuses and alterations the person has chosen to make in this light],” going hand-in-hand with a preoccupation with authenticity or even overreliance on the unpaid labor of chinese friends and acquaintances. 

consider: hugh honour when he quotes a man from the 1640s claiming “chinoiserie of this even more hybrid kind had become so far removed from genuine Chinese tradition that it was exported from India to China as a novelty to the Chinese themselves” 

these tensions coexist, and look how they have been resolved.

second, consider what we vest in objects themselves: beaujot explains how the fan became a sexualized, coquettish object in the hands of a british woman, but was used to great effect in gilbert and sullivan’s 1885 mikado to demonstrate the docility of asian women. 

consider: these characters became expressions of your sexual desires and fetishes, even as their 5’10 actors themselves are emasculated.

what is liberating for one necessitates the subjugation and fetishization of the other. 

third, consider reactions to the practice: enjoyment of chinese objects as a sign of your cosmopolitan palate vs “so what’s the hype about those ancient chinese gays” pop culture explainers that addressed the unconvinced mainstream.

consider: zuroski describes how both english consumers purchased china in droves, and contemporary publications reported on them. how: 

It was in the pages of these papers that the growing popularity of Chinese things in the early eighteenth century acquired the reputation of a “craze”; they portrayed china fanatics as flawed, fragile, and unreliable characters, and frequently cast chinoiserie itself in the same light.

referenda on fannish behavior serve as referenda on the objects of their devotion, and vice versa. as the difference between identity and fetish collapses, they come to be treated as one and the same by not just participants but their observers. 

at what point does mxtx fic cease to be chinese? 

--------------------

finally, it seems readily apparent that attitudes towards chinese objects may in fact have something to do with attitudes about china as a country. i do not want to suggest that these literary concerns are primarily motivated and begot by forces entirely divorced from the real mechanics of power. 

here, i want to bring in edward said, and his 1993 culture and imperialism. there, he explains how power and legitimacy go hand in hand. one is direct, and one is purely cultural. he originally wrote this in response to the outsize impact that british novelists have had in the maintenance of empire and throughout decolonization. literature, he argues, gives rise to powerful narratives that constrain our ability to think outside of them.

there’s a little bit of an inversion at play here. these are chinese novels, actually. but they’re being transformed by white narratives and artists. and just as i think the form of the novel is important to said’s critique, i think there’s something to be said about the form that fic takes and how it legitimates itself.

bound up in fandom is the idea that you have a right to create and transform as you please. it is a nice idea, but it is one that is directed towards a certain kind of asymmetry. that is, one where the author has all the power. this is the narrative we hear a lot in the history of fandom⁠—litigious authors and plucky fans, fanspaces always under attack from corporate sanitization.

meanwhile, said builds upon raymond schwab’s narrative of cultural exchange between european writers and cultural products outside the imperial core. said explains that fundamental to these two great borrowings (from greek classics and, in the so-called “oriental renaissance” of the late 18th, early 19th centuries from “india, china, japan, persia, and islam”) is asymmetry. 

he had argued prior, in orientalism, that any “cultural exchange” between “partners conscious of inequality” always results in the suffering of the people. and here, he describes how “texts by dead people were read, appreciated, and appropriated” without the presence of any actual living people in that tradition. 

i will not understate that there is a certain economic dynamic complicating this particular fannish asymmetry. mxtx has profited materially from the success of her works, most fans will not. also secondly, mxtx is um. not dead. LMAO.

but first, the international dynamic of extraction that said described is still present. i do not want to get overly into white attitudes towards china in this post, because i am already thoroughly derailed, but i do believe that they structure how white cnovel fandom encounters this texts.

at any rate, any profit she receives is overwhelmingly due to her domestic popularity, not her international popularity. (i say this because many of her international fans have never given her a cent. in fact, most of them have no real way to.) and moreover, as we talk about the structure of english-language fandom, what does it mean to create chinese cultural products without chinese people? 

as white people take ownership over their versions of stories, do we lose something? what narratives about engagement with cnovels might exist outside of the form of classic fandom?

i think a lot of people get the relationship between ideas (the superstructure) and production (the base) confused. oftentimes they will lob in response to criticism, that look! this fic, this fandom, these people are so niche, and so underrepresented in mainstream culture, that their effects are marginal. i am not arguing that anyone’s cql fic causes imperialism. (unless you’re really annoying. then it’s anyone’s game) 

i’m instead arguing something a little bit different. i think, given similar inputs, you tend to get similar outputs. i think we live in the world that imperialism built, and we have clear historical predecessors in terms of white appetites for creating, consuming, and transforming chinese objects. 

we have already seen, in the case of the fan language meme that began this post, that sometimes we even prefer this white chinoiserie. after all, isn’t it beautiful, too? 

i want to bring discomfort to this topic. i want to reject the paradigm of white subject and chinese object; in fact, here in this essay, i have tried to reverse it.

if you are taken aback by the comparisons i make here, how can you make meaningful changes to your fannish practice to address it? 

--------------------

some concluding thoughts on the matter, because i don’t like being misunderstood! 

i am not claiming white fans cannot create fanworks of cnovels or be inspired by asian art or artists. this essay is meant to elaborate on the historical connection between victorian england and cnovel characters and fandom that others have already popularized.

i don’t think people who make victorian jokes are inherently bad or racist. i am encouraging people to think about why we might make them and/or share them

the connections here are meant to be more provocative than strictly literal. (e.g. i don’t literally think writing fanfic is a 1-1 descendant of japanning). these connections are instead meant to 1) make visible the baggage that fans of color often approach fandom with and 2) recontextualize and defamiliarize fannish practice for the purposes of honest critique

please don’t turn this post into being about other different kinds of discourse, or into something that only one “kind” of fan does. please take my words at face value and consider them in good faith. i would really appreciate that.

please feel free to ask me to clarify any statements or supply more in-depth sources :) 

#x #-__- another fandom essay sorry