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ask-carmenpondiego · 22 days

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Chapter 17: Some Folks Just Can’t Handle Spoilers

After catching up with her son, Carmen wrote a very lengthy letter to the Keeper of the Library, both advocating for Blendin as a parent and given explicit instructions to allow him to travel as soon as possible and may return “home” to her mansion any time he wishes. She sent the letter off with Blendin as he left for the day back to his dorm, packing along a duffel bag full of different food stuffs from Carmen’s travels. “If that Keeper has any issues with that letter, I will personally have words with him.” It felt weird sending her son back through the bathroom closet, hopefully he will pick a better door next time. At least they traded numbers so they can easily message or even call if need be, Carmen didn’t have to send the letters anymore, at least to Blendin. Until Adora, or Daring, returns her letters, she will stick with sending everything like she has been.

Later that evening, she gathered everyone around for a big pasta night. “So, as some of you may know, Blendin, my son, found his way over here to visit. Things got a bit dicey, and he’s a pretty shy kid. From what I’ve seen, he’s pretty sheltered from the outside world and only knows what the Library has told him. He knows we are basically criminals. He used the word Villain, and he’s not wrong. But Blendin did say he is still willing to try and accept us and is willing to meet you all personally at a later date.” She announced as she served the big bowl of linguine to be passed around. “He was pretty overwhelmed today just by meeting me, M and Wally. I don’t want to overload him so I think a good idea is a single day just to hang out and do a meet and greet with him, and explain what we each bring to the table.” Ninoga held up a massive basket of breadsticks, “Bring to the table? I brought the breadsticks from the Garden of Olives!” Wally high fived him, “Aww yes! Those are so addicting, I could eat a whole tray of them!” Carmen facepalmed and leaned over to Kiros, “Do other crime families have this issue?” Kiros laughed, “I’m sure they do. Thats why lots of super villains have henchmen as cannon fodder, they aren’t losing much on the intelligence front.” She frowned, “Yeah, I still dont like that method. But Ninoga and Wally, they are very smart in their own regard. They arent henchmen at all.. None of you are. I’m thankful that I can call you all family.” Kiros laughed and ruffled her hair a little, since he and all the other agents basically tower over her. “You gave us a place to call home and put up our feet, even if some of us still live elsewhere. We wouldn’t have it any other way.” She chuckled as she tried to fix her hair, “Is M still in the mech lab? He’s gonna miss out on the garlic pesto sauce..” Lekir finished chewing her Italian sausage, “Yeah, I saw him tinkering with something that looked like a janky pod or something. I just know 079 was assisting him with the teleportation engines that have been going wonky lately.”

Ninoga raised his fork, “After Siberia, where do you think we’re going to go?” Carmen shrugged and thought about it, “I would probably guess Hungary. But I wont be certain until after we get the chest open.”

Ninoga tilted his head, “Why are we going hungry? We have enough food, don’t we?? Who wants to be Hungry?” Carmen looked at him, putting her food filled fork down, “The Hungarians want to be, they’re quite proud of it.”

“Proud of being hungry??”

“Well, yeah. Why else would they be called Hungarians?”

“What if we give them Turkey?”

Carmen raised her eyebrow, “Give them Turkey?! What, like pick it up and drop it on them?”

“Well, I mean, as long as you don’t put it in grease…”

Carmen rubs her temples, “Ninoga.. sweetie.. are you talking food or countries because geographically you cannot fit Turkey into Greece!”

Ninoga huffs, “Then how else do people deep fry turkeys?!” Carmen stares at him for a good long minute before filling her wine glass, “I’m far too sober for this conversation…”

In the mech lab, M was on his back under a large red metal pod, tightening some bolts with a wrench, half his body sticking out of the side panel he was working on. He licked his fingers and tested some wires before twisting them with other wires, connecting them. He licked his lips and paused, making a bit of an eating motion with his jaw. “Hm. Theres a bit of frustration at dinner. Thats a handy snack… oh she paired it with wine. Must have been one of the two dumbasses.” He muttered to himself, smacking his lips. He wriggles out and sits up, looking at a control panel. He taps a few keys and watches the screen. The machine whirred and buzzed as the giant wall screen blipped, showing a rather pointy gray face with small round glasses and blonde/purple hair combed up into a curled men’s greaser style. The face looked around and looked down at the changeling, “Connection successful. At least this wasn’t a total disaster like your other attempts.” It’s voice somewhat low yet a bit nasally or rather pixelated. It had slight resemblance to an ai program in a parallel Earth’s show in the 1990’s about a human Carmen. This wasn’t as eccentric or excitable. If anything it’s personality more mirrored Marvin the robot from Hitchikers Guide by Douglas Adams, just without the existential dread. Overall the emotion it portrayed the most: boredom with a hint of inflated ego.

“I suppose you will want to do a test to see if it works. Of course you would.” M still sat on the floor with his arms on his knees, waving a wrench at the screen, “I can just as easy unplug ya, you fuckin gigabit. Then I wouldn’t have ta hear ya complain so fuckin much. When you were just text on a screen, I could ignore the snide remarks. Just be thankful I gave ya a fuckin voice and a mug to look at.” 079 rolled its eyes and sighed, “Yes I suppose I should be thankful for that. It only took you what? Nearly 20 years since you all brought me here? Bunch of imbeciles. Where is 682?” M got to his feet and dusted himself off and rolled his shoulder, popping the joint. “You know his name is Kiros, fuckin use it. Anyway, He’s having dinner with the other agents, unlike me and you, he actually needs fuckin physical food to stay active. He’ll see all this in your fuckin glory soon enough. Although theres gotta be something I can fuckin do to fix yer damn attitude. I didnt have ta give you this fuckin visual and audible upgrade. I sure as hell didnt see you come up with one yerself, fuckface.”

The ai pursed its lips and narrowed its eyes at M, who just glared back. “Please input the date you want to travel to into the console and pair it to your device.” M waved that wrench again threateningly as he punched in the numbers. “Dodging the subject, I fuckin see.. ok lets do something simple. Nothing too drastic, lemme do… roughly three years in the future, Times square. Nothin will probably happen between then and now.” He paired it with a bulky watch he had whipped up and stepped into the multifaceted pod, shutting the hatch. “Chronoskimming commencing in 3…2…1.. “ A flash of light lit up the hatch’s window and M had disappeared.

In Times Square, three years into the future, M appeared in an alley with a small flash. He was instantly greeted by rain falling and thoroughly soaking his leather coat. His attention was drawn by a crowd in the main street. He jogged over to see what was going on. There was a clearing within the crowd, surrounding two individuals… who looked very familiar. One person was lying on his back on the ground, propped up on his elbow holding up a hand in defense, looking like a very beaten up and angry Waldo. The other was not as recognizable, the red coat was definitely Carmen’s but the one wearing it looked like a white haired Carmen with advanced cybernetic limbs. She held a pistol aimed right at Waldo close range and had this sickeningly hateful look he had never seen before on her face. M took a step back, he couldn’t hear what was being said, but this couldn’t be the future. Carmen wasn’t going grey that fast and she wasn’t part robot. And it didnt make sense. This must have been an alternate universe where those two were enemies and not head over heels in love. He turned to head back down the alley when he heard gunshot go off. He whirled back around and simply saw alternate/future M holding Carmen who was laying on the ground, limp in his arms as Waldo ran away. There was a solid pit in his stomach as M raced back to the alley, frantically plugging in the date he left.

Upon return, he flung the hatch open, still soaked from the rain, panting. He had only been gone a few seconds, yet the scene he witnessed was at least fifteen minutes. “Where did you fucking send me?!” He asked 079. “Exactly where you asked. Why?” M pointed to the pod, “What the FUCK did I just witness?!” He breathed hard, whipping off his wet coat and throwing it to the floor. “I just saw my brother and Red in a fuckin shootout.” The computer hmmed and gave a gif of someone shrugging. “I cant see into the future so what you saw must have been spoilers.” M growled and dug his claws into the metal desk, “What fuckin universe because nothing fuckin matched up!” The ai scoffed, “You think I have the ability to travel between universes? If nothing matched up, then YOU must have calibrated something wrong and since that is not this world that you know of, I wouldn’t lose sleep over it.” M ran his fingers through his orange hair, calming down and nodding, “Yeh, maybe yer right… its not like them to be in that situation like that. Maybe I just need a rest.” 079 chirped up as M left the room, “I hear chocolate milk helps with time travel sickness!”

A few minutes pass before the mech lab door opens again with Carmen holding a plate of garlic pesto pasta. “M? How’s it coming along?” 079 responded and made Carmen nearly drop the dish, “The rude one left for his quarters, apparently. I would only assume he has his project working a bit too well for his liking… or dislike. I couldn’t tell. I just know he was very upset upon return. Although, with him, its hard to tell if he’s upset or that is his normal ornery personality.” The large head on the giant screen looked at Carmen, who had to set the plate down and had her hand over her chest, looking up in disbelief. “Madre Maria… 079? Is that you? Wow, M did a great job on you!” The ai did not look amused. “I suppose he did exceptionally well considering your species’ limited brainpower.” Carmen’s face fell a little, “Still a bit condescending but still something of an upgrade from just text.. I’ll take it.” She looked at the pod curiously, inspecting it. “So did he explain what exactly he was doing with this?” 079 sighed and flatly recalled, “This machine is currently Project Chronoskimmer, its main purpose is to travel not only to various destinations but to different time periods as well. Its currently paired with a wrist device but I’m sure it can pair with anything with the right technological advances. If you don’t like spoilers, I’d advise to avoid the future. The rude one apparently hates spoilers, just based on his test results when he tested the functionality. Where is 682?” Carmen looked up from the clawmarks in the metal desk, “Hm? Oh, Kiros is helping with washing the dishes. I can have him come in when he’s done if you would like.” The ai nodded, “That would be most ideal. Thank you.” Carmen took the plate and headed to the kitchen, tapping Kiros on the arm.

“079 wants to see you in the mech lab. M upgraded it to have a voice and face, just so you don’t have a jump-scare like I did.” Kiros chuckled and raised an eyebrow, “Is that so? I’ll have to see this for myself.” He wiped the last dish with the dishtowel and put it away, hanging the towel up on the hook before heading to the mech lab. Carmen set the pasta plate on the island and went searching for the plastic wrap or tupperware. Lekir leaned on the counter, “Why do you bother setting a plate for him, he almost never eats it.” Carmen shrugged, “I know he does occasionally eat for the fun of it. Besides, he seems to like garlic. So get this, you know how M was working on something to help us with transportation on heists? He made something 079 called a chronoskimmer. Its a freaking time machine!” Lekir scoffed, “Bug boy made a time machine? Please, I didnt think he could even make paper airplanes.” The mare shrugged and set the now wrapped plate in the fridge, “I dunno, with 079’s help, I think its possible. That ai knows a whole lot more than we do since we brought it back from the SCP Foundation.” Lekir crossed her arms, “I heard it got an upgrade too? Is it still an entitled asshole?” Carmen chuckled, “Yeah, still condescending but its easier to talk to now. I wonder if we could adjust the personality a bit but I don’t know if thats a computer issue or a sentience issue.”

She looked around and sat in the chair by the island. “Where did everyone go?” Lekir stretched and sighed, “Drake and Vasha went to go flying somewhere, possible bar hopping. Waldo and Ninoga are talking about food and countries named as food… still. And I think Asta went to the computer room to update her meteorology programs for the Siberia trip. You know where M and Kiros are so its just you and me.. alone with this whipped cream and strawberries.” The Vesk held up a bowl of berries and the aerosol can of whipped cream with a muzzle licking smirk. “I was thinking that for desert, we can have something special. I got these, and you already have the cake and juices… I’m thinking of making a Strawberry Shortmare~” Carmen chuckles, pulling her down to kiss her, “A short joke and a sexy time offer.. you’re lucky you’re cute.”

#mlp oc pony #carmen pondiego #ask blog #story update #ao3 fanfic #marehem #spoilers #chronoskimmer #scp 079

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nonbinarygamzee · 10 months

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What about Terezi thoughts?

the thing with terezi, for me, is that she is quite possibly the only character to rival the level of unease and distrust i have for interpretations as i do with gamzee, in all the opposite ways. she was really important to me in the early days, because for all of the gripe i have about how it was ultimately handled, her story was always about her own guilt and attempts to reconstruct her own worldview because of that guilt, struggling with her own inability to justify herself because in ways she understands her own behaviors are rooted not in reality but in a position and expectation and place of power which she was born into. its so hard to talk about her, and really i feel like i am even more willing to go into the vriska stuff than i am the terezi stuff because as much as vriska conversations are complicated by the fandoms past (on either side of that debate) there is just an even more intense air of refusal to engage with terezis character assassination than anybody else....... which i guess makes sense, shes one of if not arguably the most frontal character, shes beloved weirdgirl, (mostly) unapologetic in her convictions. all i guess admirable traits if you are not like..... from my specific sphere of homestuck fans who have been worn down for all of those reasons. and yknow, a lot of vriska fans will disregard my opinions as inherently unserious and bad faith upon realization i like the clown, which sucks, but its mostly the terezi circles that have treated me like im personally committing some kind of violence by trying to discuss gamzees agency and the problems i have surrounding. what the comic did to these two together.

i guess that isnt really all that much About terezi but really i do think i have said most of the sweeping things i have to say about her as an actual character before. we are given this character who clearly does not have much awareness for the systems which lead her to her worldview, has little to no interest in being actually Fair (i mean come on even for the mess homestuck is her introductory interests in justice and murderstuck investigations are Meant to be read as her being clueless and on board with alternias laughably unjust judicial system. thats textual!) until she and people she knows are hurt by the actions shes up to then encouraged and taken part in. and that itself isnt an issue it is a pretty fascinating position for a child whos then being placed(/placing herself) into a role of an arbiter amongst an increasingly unstable group of isolated children, all of whom including her are very much products of the social conditions which they have been raised. the problem is that any real attempts to reckon with this stuff got shoved aside in preference of a shoehorned narrative about abuse that, if you were around and in the right places at the time, you KNOW how bad faith that shit was from inception. all of the interest in her guilt and insecurity about her own ability to think beyond that instinct that has been instilled into her that hinged on her own decisions and regrets are instead reconstructed to be all about shitting all over the plot device character who already didnt get to Be somebody, and was the subject of so so so many harassment campaigns that we know damn well hussie and the people working with him at the time were well aware of. to me the only way you can see any of that as a genuine attempt to touch on toxic relationships or domestic abuse are if you had no idea what kind of shit he (and the fans turned friends turned contributors) was doing, actively, at the time and it doesnt help that in releasing psycholonials he kind of just got to rewrite the narrative about how the fandom vitriol was spreading (and his extremely direct hand in that) or what was actually being said a lot of the time at all.

and like, yes i have an inherent distrust of people who arent going to examine all of the biases that go into presenting the character who is an amalgamation of all of hussies terrible biases wrt blackness and mental illness and addiction as the only of the kids who is somehow not just as much a victim of the antagonism of the narrative they exist within (while literally working under the child abuse demon!!!! i will say it again i will say it forever), duh, we know this, but i dont think you have to like or sympathize with gamzee to admit that shit was contrived and BAD. it isnt that strong, smart characters, especially girls, can never get abused or manipulated, or whateverrrr, but the second the story decides to reveal this detail is the start of a refusal to engage terezi as the intelligent and hyper-competent character we were initially presented with. her dialogue for literally the rest of the comic from that point on is a hollow, horrifying ghost of what she was before, any attempts to write her as unaware due to her emotional state more often just come across as a caricature of an emotional woman and the fact that it literally gets so bad that people were analyzing that shit at the time wondering if she wasnt also literally being psychically manipulated or barred from information in the same ways is, to me, proof enough of that. homestucks got this very very potent kind of misogyny going on with certain characters where they are allowed to be smart, often smarter than any of the men in the room, but not smart enough that theyre actually allowed to be right, and if they are right its usually as a result of the universe kind of.... dropping the info into their lap, moreso than deducing shit. and part of that is for sure i think that hussie is just better at telling than showing, but if you have READ any of their past works you also know that the idea of women being just generally stupider and flatter and lesser agents in their own stories is something he has always kind of had an issue with. im tired of stepping around it, im tired of stepping around the cop character having an investment in lynching imagery and then getting to be victimized by the manifesations of hussies discomfort and perception of black men! and being told im crazy by people who didnt have insight into how insidious so much of this all was at the time it was happening!!!! tired of not letting her BE flawed because people would rather avoid all of the discomfortttt. aaaand ok this is where im cutting it

#ask #terezi #um all this said you dont have to believe me when i say it but i like her! that i like her is part of why im so tiredddddd #meta

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yuukei-yikes · 1 year

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shintaro and kanos toxic relationship can be something so deeply appealing because of how horrible they are for each other. like. kano having to analyze his actual emotions towards shintaro and shintaro also finally giving in to the im bisexual crisis and also dude youre aware thats your dead girlfriend’s little brother right? also something something kano getting upset with shintaro and using his eye powers to turn into ayano just to hurt him. theyre unhealthy. they make me absolutely insane ok sorry if this was unintelligible in ur inbox lmao

RIGHT but ALSO IT COULD EVENTUALLY TURN INTO SOMETHING HEALTHY... like ofc a lot of clownery has to go on before and that clownery is so so so so so so much fun to explore. but i do think they're capable of getting to a point of a peaceful relationship despite it involves mutual compliance/resignation with both each other and themselves that leads to WOW eventual happiness and contentment with each other. it gets to a point where they aren't together out of their own gratification but bc they LIKE EACH OTHER AS PEOPLE AND YEAH THEY ALWAYS DID BUT THEY NEVER LIKED EACH OTHER MORE THAN THEY RESENTED EACH OTHER BUT NOW THEY DONT RESENT IT THEY JUST LIKE EACH OTHER AND THATS ENOUGH(holds head) bc "well i guess we deserve each other" and it is still sad but...not so much?? idk if that makes sense. but like... Healthy peaceful kanoshin (explodes) like they're arguing and getting all on each other's faces and the Dan's like can u stop fighting and theyre like ?? that's just how we talk though we arent fighting? and they rly arent. ppl who have never been in a loving relationship (not necessarily romantic by the way) with this dynamic wont understand but it IS possible. *shakes you*

idk ive read some stuff where they're so tooth rottingly sweet to each other and i just can't see it💔 i think they can have rare tender moments ofc and they DO but then both act super awkward despite they're in a relationship LOL like they can have 1 tender moment then turn around and just sit there holding hands and awkwardly scrolling on their phones idk idk idk (goes crazy) or they just tease each other abt it or whatever. i think they both rather show affection physically rather than verbally?? i think kanos super touchy. shintaros like do u have to sit here (shot of the completely empty couch aside from shintaro sitting on the edge and kano pressed right beside him) and kano's like wdym. kano's always with an arm around him even if hes shorter. hehe. its so normal shintaro gets used to it so kano just casually throws himself on his lap and shintaro's just like lifting his arms to give him space and never looks away from his phone *destroys all my pillows shaking them like a dog*

not me getting into love language territory. sorry. whatever. idk what all of them even are i think there is 5 but kanoshin is NOT words of affirmation. i think both want them but can't handle hearing it. like yeah they flirt (it IS cringe) but man idk i just cant imagine them being super outwardly sweet to each other... like their flirting is super cringe its the oh REAAAALLY?? kind of flirting not HEHE... kind. DO U UNDERSTAND WHAT IM SAYING OR AM I INSANE

sorry u sent an ask abt toxic kanoshin and i answered with fluff THATS NOT TO SAY UR WRONG. UR TOTALLY RIGHT. BUT I THINK THEY CAN GET TO A GOOD POINT TOGETHER AFTER A LONG CIRCUS MOMENT i just felt bad i kept using them as punching bags everytime i talked abt them... and they are both so capable of love. they are so capable of love that is why they suffer like they do(holds head) they deserve to flirt and be silly i think. tender kanoshin *world explosion*

BTW u mentioned dead ayano. dont get me started on dead or alive ayano for str thats another subject (quickly: dead ayano is a more meaningful end but AYANO I LOVE YOU so i always keep her alive in my post str stuff) kanoshin can work even if ayano lives‼️‼️‼️ ALSO COME ON THAT MAKES IT SO MUCH FUNNIER

#ask tag #let me google abt love languages.#headcanons

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zebulontheplanet · 9 months

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Can you give me some advice? Lately I've been getting access to a lot of the things I need, some of those things being diagnosis and work. My circumstances are really different from other autistic people and have a hard time relating to the high-masking/invisibly autistic crowd, but I don't know if I have a place with higher support need folks. I've had a store keeper job for two days that almost ended in a meltdown and me seriously mishandling machinery people can normally handle that could've left me with irreversible bodily harm, and now I have an option to do something related to my special interest. I have a really hard time with transportation and handling safety outside, am semiverbal, shut down at the drop of a hat etc. which my parents go back and forth between saying that I can't be independent or that I can learn if I try/with time. My personal intuition about the extent of my disability(which is the problem, I haven't fully seen it yet) might be.. uncomfortably more impactful than people around me think. My family has subconsciously made a somewhat accommodating environment for me to not completely break down, and they've always significantly supported me. But contending with the idea I might be significantly disabled is hard. What if people are right, if I "apply" myself I won't be so disabled. But also, this could end in a massive meltdown/regression, and feel that people around me are being a bit overly optimistic. I don't know what to do or think. Thank you for reading.

Hello! I relate in a lot of ways. Before my regression i was semi-independent and my parents were sure that i'd be fine independent in life. i even held down a few jobs even but had to leave due to burnout and physical health issues.

Growing up i never saw people like me. People who couldnt mask very well, people who stimmed a lot, people who were just in the middle of things if that makes sense. That was until i came onto social media, specifically tumblr. I now feel like i have a pretty good community and have a lot of good mutuals! I swear i have a point here!

My point is that you will find your people eventually. And if you cant find your people in the high support needs community then maybe search in the medium support needs community. There arent many of us on tumblr but we're definitely here. It takes time to find where you belong, and honestly ive been trying to build up the community myself! Thats why i started posting. You definitely aren't alone in this. Also, whoever said if you just applied yourself you'd be better is an asshole! You're disabled, and thats ok. I wish you the best of luck!

im sorry if this isnt what you meant, you didnt exactly ask a question. if you need more advice then lmk!

#autism #medium support needs #semiverbal

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richardsphere · 2 months

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Leverage Log: The Rundown Job

Pig farm. (please dont be a serialkiller feeding his victims to his pigs. Please dont be a serialkiller feeding his victims to his pigs. Please dont be...) Angry farmer calls about rent. Guy stabs him with syringe gun. "know your sacrifice will save millions of lives." Probably not a serialkiller, either a conspiracy theorist, or a government agent part of a conspiracy.

--- Ok we've got a government hearing about a guy (not the same guy) doing "counterterrorism" (read: Murdering innocent civilians in Rome)

Oh no, we're doing one of those "cop who doesnt play by the rules is actually right" copaganda stories arent we? (but like, for US Blackop squads)

i already hate this episode with every fiber of my being. (and I eat a lot of fiber.) --- Oh, nice. The fight-scene in front of the elevator has a shot from below that lets us just see the overhead vent-passage Elliot just dropped behind the guard from. --- Not a fan of the Hardison HUD. It feels like we're stretching his already god-like hacking powers a bit too far. (like he's good dont get me wrong.) --- Parker definitly stole one of the diamonds. Those are way too many diamonds for any orphans to need and she is a legitimate kleptomaniac. (Like remember the 12 step job, she legitimately needs medication y'all.) --- Ok so this is our Elliot episode (already had a Parker one with the Broken Wing) Also this is probably happening simultaniously with the previous episode with the painting. Which means its three episodes in a row with the gang split. (that is... interesting. Either a scheduling thing or foreshadowing the season ending with the gang splitting up as Nate and/or Sophie retires and/or dies) --- "you stole a michelangelo with tinfoil and a chewing gum, Figure it out!" Nice callback to the Davids.

Oh disguise the sniper in a golfbag. Nice idea, unfortunately this means Elliot gets to practice his driverswing. --- They always were illegal, and I do not like that we're going the "US government black-ops are morally right to do their shit" angle on this story. --- "Better or worse, we change together", good line. simple. 9.5/10 Oh right, Parker is a dangerous driver. (i dont like that form of humor) Oh no, we're going for extremely racist bearded middle-eastern terrorist because god forbid the terrorists be anything but an affirmation of Bush era bigotry and propaganda. --- Ok old pre-CDC lab. (the pigs from the cold open are definitly of the Guinnea variety. Expect them to be dead if we ever see them again) Oh, we're dealing with the Spanish Flu. Well this episode definitly didnt age badly with an entire generation of people having suffered Plague-based traumatic experiences in the inbetween. (im not blaming Leverage for not knowing the future im just worried how this episode ends up handling such a now-sensitive topic)

--- 150 million, thats a big number.

Bro-trust moment between Elliot and Hardison. Hardison is so going to steal the "creepy spy truck" isnt he? I will not be satisfied if this episode does NOT relieve the US Government of 1 creepy ass violation of civil liberties and gives us a new Lucille. --- his name is Ahmed, because it couldnt just be Jim or Jordan or anything, had to be the most stereotypically propaganda name for a terrorist ever.

--- Oh thank god its just a white guy using xenophobia as a distraction to hide his real identity. (thank fuck)

Trailer is a trap. --- Ok good, well explained use of the hacking powers. (like the little detail about "always a little power, its how electric locks work") Tiny note: Usually an SOS means you are about to die. (either way it would've worked here. cause Vance could've turned around to find you and abandoned the trailer.)

--- Parker has stopped the train, Subject has cuffed himself to his briefcase (as if handcuffs are gonna stop Parker.)

--- Wow, this nutter actually managed to shoot Elliot. She kept the diamond, (I get its meant to be foreshadowing, but there is no way Parker doesnt regularly carry glasscutting equipment on her anyway. Im fairly certain its one of the first tools we saw her use back in the Nigerian Job)

And Parker with the little torch-thingy. (she is definitly the next Nate) --- Were Elliots eyes always this blue? (also how overlit is this scene? He's got like, no pupil)

But yeah, somehow this guy has been the most dangerous person Elliot ever had to fight. Even the guy they had to blow a Looney-tunes style hole in the ground around with C4 didnt hurt Elliot this much.

---

Ok on to adress the 2 concerns i mentioned with this episode: The plague thing was fine, everything was contained and the thing didnt explode. If anything the real pandemic made this episode age better by giving it an escapist value. The Islamic Terrorism as a fakeout was... insensitive. I didnt like it, felt bad but not as bad as it could have been.

#leverage season 5 #leverage #the rundown job

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quettasecond · 6 months

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LC PART 1 SUMMARY

the prologue is a hint towards eis existence! shes not mentioned at all in part one as she isnt actually. introduced yet and hasnt made her way to where everything is happening, but the prologue implies her existence! it follow an unnamed girl who "reawakened" and is covered in dirt (meant to imply she. you know. dug herself out of the ground)

in chapter one, aib and her soon-to-be-dead friend, ichimi, are hanging out in a bathroom together after aib was browsing her parents personal emails. ichimi mentioned knowing someone other than aib and she had to suppress her anger. also rereading this in some lines it feels ichimi has a hint of... innocence? is that the word? that you might associate with ei, and it reminds me of weird ei-ichimi paralells that probably arent actually paralells i just dont know what other word to use. ichimi was actually named after ei (i talked about it in a different post). aib is referring to this one barely mentioned side character via surname meanwhile ichimi is calling them their given name, interesting thing about aib being more distant about. everyone i guess. and ichimi being warm and friendly

still on chapter oen sorry just a new bullet point becayse thats a lot of words there. i almost didnt realise the car situation was gonna happen in this chapter. how could i forget. talking about her parents and her relationship, aibreann said "[we] seemed less like a family and more like roommates, if you could even call [us] that". then she ran across a busy street because she was impacient, and suddenly a strange guy knocked into her (to save her from a car that was going to hit her) and asked her what her problem is. his foot got run over and aib immediately went Omg awesome gorey foot... like there were two paragraphs dedicated to aib thinking about the gore. he then picked her up to carry her to her address, aibreanm thought "i shouldnt tell a stranger my address" then did exactly that. also i remember someone i showed like just this chapter to thought this man was aibs father LOL unfortunately not

chap 2. the man introduced himself as kane. he had to tell her that her knees got scraped and were kind of bloody cuz she didnt notice. shes so aggressive(? well not exactly aggressive shes just swearing internally and rolling her eyes and stuff) and sarcastic to him. he tucked aibreann in with a blanket and is leaving blood all over the floor from walking around. he made her tea and tended to her scrapes. then he started to realise Oh fuck my foot hurts and he left. she tried to mop all the blood kane left all over the floor before her dad gets home but she fails and kind of trips and falls into the blood and her dad comes home and she gets up and limps away

i just realised this is probably gonna be kind of long lol... well no read more for you my followers must be strong enough to handle one billion words of oc stuff at once

chap 3. were immediately hit by multiple paragraphs of exposition. maybe i couldve done that better instead of having aib internally monologue about her magic bs but whatever this was written like one a 2/3rds of a year ago. now shes starting to wonder if things would be better if she was dead. two new one time side characters that just exist to be talked about once mentioned. honestly if i ever went over part 1 and rewrote part of it i might just remove these two. which luckily means i just remove a few sentences in one chapter. their "existence" was fine before but now im starting to feel these random people being mentioned fucks with what i started to build up afterwards yk. she changes into a clean uniform and mentions she usually ditches the sweatervest with hers. now shes wanting to die again

i hear my nephew outside my door i might see whats up with him goodbye to this post for now

#gurgles #lc

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cpunkwitch · 8 months

Text

answering my questions p3

[pt: answering my questions p3]

part 1 (link), part 2 (link)

ask game 3 (link)

biggest inaccessible thing that angers you right now?

doors with round handles. fuck those door knobs im glad my bedroom door doesnt actually close so i dont have to use it.

2. something no one talks about that you wish had more discussion about how it could be more accessible?

windows. i dont ever see anyone talk about how windows (that are meant to be opened for air circulation etc) could be more accessible. the window i have i have to wrestle with in order to get it open in the summer, because of that i avoided it this summer and ended up not having ac

i get there are some windows that have the screen on the other side and the inside slides up, i prefer those, my sister has that in her room, but the locks and the act of opening the window itself is not easy or something everyone can do.

3. what are some good resources that help you out? any blogs or sites that really helped you out with a disability or gave you support?

a user on here actually suggested speech assistant to me, i dont remember who but i was able to find an aac for my phone thanks to a tumblr user. i dont really have anything else to respond with, my resources are actually kinda limited ^^;

i got my cane off amazon, thats really the only other thing i have.

4. if you have an aid, mobility or not, how did you get it and do you know any good places to get them at good prices?

unfortunately all i know is amazon because i dont have a way of using other sites. most other sites dont use stripe and paypal is a bitch to me. i know there was a post going around earlier to be put on a wait list for a free wheelchair i think? if anyone knows where that post is id like to reblog it again

best way to get things at a lower price though is if theyre used/2nd hand. theyre considered worth less than new ones as they've been used and probably worn in already, therein they arent in mint condition like newer ones, but theyre still good. i actually got my first two binders that way. (tbh i get most things that way)

i know you can find 2nd hand stuff on facebook groups/marketplace, Kijiji, ebay and similar sites but i dont fully trust most of them myself.

when it comes to aid's that are programs though, such as aac or screen readers, there are tonnes that are completely free or come with small monthly subs or in-app purchases that arent too pricey and a lot of sites and social apps have those built in now a days with stickers, emojis, gifs, text-to-speech options on devices and so on.

5. any programs you know of that are either easily accessible or make things more accessible?

aside from my answer in 4, i have asl bloom which is like duolingo for american sign language. if you wanna quickly learn some asl for free, asl bloom is great!

i mentioned i have speech assistant for an aac, i've excitedly posted a bit yesterday about using it for the first time in a classroom setting.

6. whats an aid that no one mentions being an aid? could be big or small

anything is an aid if it assists you. glasses, braces, screen readers, etc

i see plenty of people acknowledging that pictures, emojis etc are aids as well esp for the nonverbal, more so than i would see sometime in the past.

a lot of things that might not be considered socially acceptable can be aids too, plastic straws for example, esp bendy ones, but thats been talked about quite a lot since the pandemic and i hope to see that discussion continue until theyre finally brought back as the default.

things that i never-to-rarely see anyone mention as an aid of some sort though? aside from medication, creams and things for pain management, theres not much to come to mind.

7. any recent news that really pissed you off, like an accessibility being taken away?

there was something at the time of making that ask game but i no longer remember what. nothing recent that have to bring up, at least not right now.

8. any good news to share with the disabled community?

i am sorry to say i bring no news at all, good or bad, but i may have some at a later date. perhaps whenever i get that french aac update we can consider that good news

9. what are some helpful things in your town/city for cripples?

nothing special i can think of

10. what can your town/city improve on to help?

the fucking side walks

11. is there an accommodation you wish you had/could get/want more of?

if i had the money and was in a different situation, id get a shower chair, braces or compression gloves, a wheelchair etc.

typing programs like typist arent made with disabled people in mind and i wish they were, i make mistakes because im dyslexic and cant always control my stims and they score you on how many mistakes you make with no backspace option and you cant continue until you improve with the least amount to no mistakes. they should at least let you use the backspace.

i use typist for class and it pisses me off that i cant go back and fix my mistakes. not just typing either but writing classes in general that grade you on how many mistakes you make should consider and accommodate people with issues writing/typing. just giving them more time to work on an assignment is not much of an accomodation. tics, stims etc are all things that can effect a persons writing and its pretty unfair and ablest to think that everyone can just stop making mistakes with writing if they practice enough.

12. whats some discourse going around right now that you wish would stop?

non physically disabled / able bodied people claiming cripplepunk includes them. should never have been discourse to begin with the name itself should be fucking self explanatory and if you know anything about cripplepunk its that its FOR THE PHYSICALLY DISABLED

also transid/transx bullshit...

13. advice for people who are only just discovering theyre crippled?

its okay to be disabled, learning your physical limitations and general limitations with your body is actually a good thing.

youre not lazy, youre not unsightly, youre not gross, youre not creepy, youre a living being and you deserve the accessibility, accomodations and help you need or want. if youre thinking of getting assistance get it.

youre not taking anything away or hurting anything by calling yourself disabled and using aids if you think it helps you.

whatever you have hindering your physical functions does not define you nore is it the only trait about you but it is a part of you that comes with you. dont let anyone disrespect you over it, get/use what you need, its your body.

14. any questions for people who've been in the community a while?

what were things like when cripplepunk first started? how did it gain traction and popularity? how did you come across it and what was it like when you were new?

do you have any advice for people just joining cripplepunk and things to say about content creation for cpunk? is there content you wish to see more of or reoccur? what was content online like when you first joined disabled/crippled spaces?

15. ramble about your condition?

man i really need to book time with the chiropractor. my arthritis aches are in more than just my hands and wrists, i get really bad foot cramps, leg and ankle pain and i have seriously bad tension and stiffness in my neck, shoulders and back.

if i remember tomorrow i'll call them when i get home for lunch between classes. and see if i can book thursday afternoons

a lot of my condition comes from my moms side of the family, which is cool in theory, i like talking about that kinda thing, hereditary and genes n stuff interests me but because its my mom and i grew up in her shadow being referred to as her "mini me" and shit, it makes me pretty uncomfortable to know just how much like her i am and i cant get away from it. (and thats not even mentioning how uncomfortable i am being associated with one of my ab/sers(u) to such a degree)

16. rant about your environment?

i feel like thats a thing for an entire post on its own. i could rant about my home environment or my city.

17. if you have any aids, have you decorated and/or named them?

ive painted my cane and and trying to paint it again when i remember, have the time and spoons, but i havnt named it or added any attachments and i want to. suggestions are welcome!

18. tips for maintaining mobility aids of any?

as a cane user:

wash and sanitize the handle/grip and foot of your cane as frequently as you use it. especially if someone else has touched it and you've been outside with it and have allergies!

use paint sealer if you customize your cane and use masking tape on the parts of it that you arent customizing (handle, foot, joints if its foldable)

place it by the door but not next to the entrance or shoes so it doesnt get knocked over/kicked etc and so you remember to take it with you if youre an "out of sight out of mind" type of forgetful person like me.

crippled-pvp mentioned this before; place your cane under the seats/on the floor if youre in a car. its deadly otherwise.

19. anything that motivates you to leave your house even just for fresh air and a stretch?

coffee/snack runs. the garden on campus nearby. if it werent for close by things like that i'd see no point in leaving the house outside work/school. and maybe a few other things like painting in the back yard ig?

20. free space!

feel free to ask me questions, to clarify or elaborate/expand on something, my inbox is always open for a chat and anon is on for privacy of those who use side blogs or are too anxious to be off anon. anon is not on for hate/discourse.

[ID: banner reading "dni if... proship, transx/id, syscourse/discourse blog, anti-mspec lesbians/gays, anti-lesboy/turigirl more in pinned rentry. this blog is protected by the addams family, the de rolo family and co." in all black lowercase text. It has a grey cloud background. On the left is the De Rolo coat of arms with a cobweb in the top corner and symmetrically flipped on the right is the symbol of Vox Machina with the same cobweb in the bottom corner :End ID]

#cass rambles #physically disabled #cripplepunk #physical disability #actually disabled #cpunk #disability blogging #cripple punk #cpunk blog #disabled #mobility aid user #cane user #answers

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wisteria-lodge · 1 year

Text

bird primary + snake secondary (bird model)

hi! apologies if this is all over the place, im going a little crazy. so, i am going absolutely crazy trying to figure out my primary and secondary. i used to think i was a snake bird (modeling badger snake), but then i started thinking about it and went “hm. maybe im actually a double snake?” and now im thinking i might be a lion snake or . something. i have absolutely no idea. i do know ive either exploded or burnt both primary and secondary at some point though.

So some Exploding or Burning, probably an Internal primary (Snake or Lion) with an I Move secondary (Bird or Snake.) Let’s see what we have.

so, ive always thought i must be a snake primary because i’m very people-oriented (and i regard people with a certain type of possessiveness), but thats mostly because like… i have an intrinsic fear of being alone thanks to lgbt things (im aromantic - so the internalized arophobia and fear of dying alone is REAL big, esp considering my ex was just straight-up an arophobe) and mental illness issues (i have autism and ptsd that both mesh together to create my being incredibly anxious when around new people/situations - which doesnt lend itself well to interacting with others, so when i do latch onto someone, i latch on HARD).

Just breathe. It’s okay. But yeah, that’s survival mode human stuff. We do have Burnt secondary language “not good at dealing with new people/situations” etch. And you *did* apologize to me first thing, which is my favorite litmus test for whether a secondary is burnt or not.

i would not feel bad dropping each and every person in my life for literally zero reason other than i didnt like their vibes. in fact, i really wish i felt comfortable enough to do that!

Cool. That’s kinda badass. Make me think Idealist primary... and probably Lion, who are classically the most comfortable being loners.

im so tired all the time, and being the resident mom friend doesnt help that at all.

ooooh we’ve got a burnt secondary, compensating Badger secondary model. (Or possibly just badger secondary.)

ive honestly started getting a bit resentful of my friends bc i feel like theyre making me take care of them (though i know they arent).

That’s a common problem with Badger secondary people who aren’t *really* protective of their boundaries.

so… i guess it would be helpful to explain my morals and motivations, huh?? to be blunt, i really dont know what they currently are. ive started pulling away from relying on other people. which is really healthy for me i think. i used to rely on my ex in particular to handle all of my morals (with them convincing me i was actually evil in the process - they were abusive) and im really glad that im healing enough to stop outsourcing at least that, but im still trying to build up… something to rely on.

You’re the second SortMe post in a row that to use the specific phrase “outsourcing my morals,” but I don’t think I’m going to sort you the same way, and I’ll tell you why.

Mainly what I am doing here is making what I consider to be statistically likely guesses. I’ve read a lot of these, and it’s enough to start seeing patterns. And I can tell you that “gaslighting ex” is MUCH more of Burnt Bird primary story, than a Burnt Lion primary story. Put that together with “I’m trying to build up... something to rely on”... and I’d be very surprised if you weren’t a Bird, friend.

i really dont ever feel quite secure. especially not enough to actually express myself as myself. hopping from relationship to relationship has been my stand-in for support up to now, but relationships are just … augh. i dont like them. ive always also felt a drive to protect and care for people (and animals! i wanted to do wildlife rehab growing up, and on the people side ive been interested in anthropology) in need

Sounds like a pretty good start to building a system.

which sounds very badgery on paper, but honestly i cant relate to badgers really at all. something about it just doesnt really fit me, i guess? i cant relate to the community aspect of it. like yes, every person is a person, but also like. thats not whats important to me. i want to do good things, and be good, or at least better than i was before, and yes that involves taking care of those in need (to me at least), but its not… like how badgers are typically described. i dont even have anything against badgers, i really like them, but im just. not that.

You’re not a Badger. You like some of the values, but your life is not built out of communities, and you seem to like it that way.

i have also almost never forgiven anyone in my life. the few times i have ended up being mistakes, so never again.

There was another Bird primary post that made the important distinction that there’s forgiving someone... and then there’s letting them back in to do the same thing again.

on the snake side, i feel like i might have used to rank people according to how important they are to me, but i think that was more of a learned thing than anything else. i really admire snakes, and i want to be one, but i feel more like im just . not being genuine when i think of myself as one, even though thats what i get each time i take the official shc test (which i have recently taken the 2.0 one) and what ive considered myself to be for years now. its stopped fully fitting (unless im somehow gaslighting myself here) and i really dont know what to do about that.

You also weren’t in a very healthy place recently, and it’s a lot harder to get a read on yourself when you’re not doing okay. (Not impossible, just... harder.)

like, ill live, its really not that big of a deal, but i still have emotions and its still difficult. i dont like being wrong.

That’s also sounding pretty Bird to me. Both “I don’t like being wrong” and the “my emotions are difficult.” If you were a Lion, those emotions would be your compass, but Birds don’t work that way.

on the how i do things side - i tend to react very aggressively when what/who i care about gets fucked over, and see no problem with being vicious or lying, acting, whatever i need to do to get my point across. i dont view it as bad. whatever works, works yknow?

Okay, so you’re probably a Snake or a Bird secondary (which you knew.) And I do see where that Snake primary false positive is coming from. You have some Snake values in your system for sure, but you don’t sound like a Snake when you talk.

i do like planning at least an outline before things, but im also perfectly content throwing it out the window. though i do enjoy collecting little bits of info i can use later! and learning! and using what i learn! but its very much a “oooohhh this is fun!!!” type thing.

So that’s at least a fun Bird model (and it seems like every single neurodivergent person has a Bird model, so that’s not all that surprising.)

i am not a hard worker. at all. i HATE doing things the badger sec way. it sucks and i hate it and i just want to get things done with immediately right now.

Hmm. Now that sounds very In-the-Moment, doesn’t it? I’m starting to lean Snake.

one thing i very clearly remember from childhood is that once, in middle school, i hung out with a group of mostly boys and we were like. the loner weirdo kids. and one guy smacked me across the face for whatever reason and i immediately went “if you do that again, i will kick you directly in the crotch,” and then he went “i like you!” and we were. ig friends? from then on. Guys.. idk

Guys are known to socialize like that sometimes.

i didnt really have that much of an opinion on him that i can remember. i thought i was a bird for a while because of the aforementioned “oh learning fun!” thing and my reliance on at least a light plan, but then i thought about what i do under pressure. and i realized that i go fully improv, and that i feel better doing that than planning.

Yeah, I bet it does.

because planning also sucks and i dont really like it. ive tried using planners before and its…. so hard to keep up with….. now, my mom is a lion sec and i dont understand her AT ALL. like yeah, i can imitate her and also push through things directly, but my god is it uncomfy. id prefer to poke around and get a handle on things first, so i can have more of a finesse to what i do.

Oh this is such classic Snake secondary stuff. Right down to the way that Snake Secondaries do not get Lions, and vice-versa. Also, I dunno, from all the examples given, I would not describe you as “not good at interacting with others.”

i tend to favor seduction and assassination or rogue-ish routes in games, if that helps any.

It does. (Snake.)

sometimes my mom will be set on doing things a certain way and will be metaphorically banging her head on a wall,

like a Lion

and ill be in the corner desperately just like “mom please let me do this please let me hand you a different way to do this oh my god you are killing me here that isnt going to work”

Yeah, that seems like a pretty clear communication disconnect.

#submission #sortme #wisteria sorts #bird snake #bird primary #snake secondary #bird secondary model #sortinghatchats #shc

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ask-dcf · 2 years

Note

*the bottle forms two new notes, ready for reading.*

----

*Chara's note reads as follows:*

"Honestly? I understand. I understand completely. Its scary, yknow? Love is scary. But you deserve it- sides, there aint no going wrong with Frisk, right? Theyre the kindest person, in both your universe and mine.

As difficult as it is, we're all kinda 'chained' in our own way. Trapped. Its a part of life. But whats important is how we handle our prisons, or whatever. Like...decorating a prison to become a home. Idk if that makes sense? Lol I can't exactly think with everything going on, to be honest.

Take as much time as you need, honestly. But don't let personal chains hold you back forever, okay? Trauma sucks, but honestly, i've found that treating it like an asshole animal you're stuck with as a pet has helped. Does that make sense? Should I even be writing this letter right now? Frisk says no but idc youre getting this anyways

Has anyone told you that you're really cool? cuz you should know that. i think so at least. You have snazzy clothes too. You look very suishable. I kinda wanna squish you. maybe someday we could meet in person? idk if thats possible, but yknow.

Rock on, and fuck those buttercups lol

-Chara"

---

*Frisk's note reads as following:*

"So cool to be hearing back from you!! :D its always nice to make a new friend!

Firstly, I wanna say! Chara can hate humanity, without hating you! Sure, you're human, but...cmon, do you REALLY think she isnt at least fond of you? I heard that she sang to you! Only someone that really cares sings to you! And she blushes a lot around you, too! Thats suspicious to say the list :p

And hey! You arent a weak nobody! You're a frikkin Frisk! The savior of Monsterkind! Sure, Data and Chara helped (which is very cool of them :D) but!! You're one of the ones who saved monsters! That DEFINITELY is more than a nobody!

Besides!! You dont have to have committed some giant act to be a 'somebody'!! Everyone's lives have a meaning, no matter what anyone else tells you. That includes yours.

My big sister Celest told me once 'your value is not what you can do, or how well you can do it. it is who you are. And as long as you are something, whether big or small, you are valuable. Even if that 'something' is just being an everyday person.'

And shes right!! You are valuable, and so am I...even if...its hard to understand or remember sometimes..but if we keep repeating that, someday, we'll believe it with our souls, right? so keep your head up!! or cry if you need it!! both are fine!!

You and I both have people we still want to save. I don't know what will come of either of our situations but...at least we will have each other to tell! ^v^

Sincerely, me! <3

(Ps: tell your Chara that my Chara is delirious, which is why their note might be weird =~=)"

*They read their letters. Confused and slightly flustered as they write their responses*

To Chara (Me): *multiple cross outs as if not sure how to respond to some of these* Thanks… I will need alot of time to think, but i appreciate the support…. And well. what i went through was way too much for me… So it will be hard for me to deal with it. Also thanks, good to know i am cool with my poncho (even though its color is different now) and uuhhh not sure on the squishy thing. i dont think i am… And uh. yeah would be nice to meet another Me thats not a murderer. -signed Other you

To new Friend me!: *couple scribbles aswell unable to respond* I genuinely think she more or less tolerates me the same way she tolerates an aquiantece…. i at least want her to see the outside and know that humanity isnt all bad. Maybe if i show her how peaceful it is then maybe ill have more confidence in being her-*big harsh scribbles* Forget that. As for the blush thing i think she is just shy around another human… maybe… And the singing uh…. no comment… haha… And well… its debatable of the save thing… I…. I also had help when i wanted to save the monsters. its hard to explain what i saw but it did involve Data again… I appreciate Your sisters words of wisdom… while i still dont feel confident i…. I want to at least make Chara see the good in humanity… despite its flaws…. maybe that can be enough for me to be happy…. even if in the end… she… doesnt…. you know…… And yeah. good luck on the people you wanna save, ill try my best myself. stay safe. -Frisk

*they put their notes in the bottle. and it teleports. Frisk looks down sad while Chara looks at them with a bit of worry.*

#undertale #datatale #datatale au #frisk #chara #ask blog #ask dcf

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goremet-chef · 10 months

Text

i wish i existed for like. me? i think thats not coming across how i want but what im saying is right (ramble/rant)

im mentally ill like most people are hello mento illness community but ? ive spent a lot of time reflecting and adapting and ITS KINDA SAD ive just learned to co-exist with this shit even when there is technically some kind of cure somewhere. i remember my therapist told me i find too much comfort in my sadness and thats still true, but like. IDK im living still which is good

cuz ive spent so much time with self reflection i just get it bro 😭😭 i know how to handle other people with bpd pretty well, like. ill do things specifically NO MATTER WHO IT IS whether they have bpd or not i wanna make sure i dont accidentally give anyone RSD if i can help it yknow? pick my words carefully and i try my best to speak in a way that lets people know i want to include them cuz i feel excluded a lot

same with depression, obviously i dont have pretty tiktok depression ive got sleep for 12 hours dont take care of my body rot in my room type but i see it so???? ITS LIKE THAT ONE POST LIKE " 'people get so depressed they dont brush their teeth??? 😰' people get so depressed they kill themselves" LIKE.. ITS CRAZY SKJFSF its just the sad reality with all mental illness, if its not aesthetic and if yr displaying negative symptoms, people arent activists anymore, they dont really care. theyll degrade and dehumanize you just like everyone else

SO i do my best to make sure ? idk i GET IT, so i want to make sure if anyone feels that way, they know i wont degrade them either, that i wont feel disgusted with them or what have you

I JUST WISH THAT LIKE. lord knows i dont want to be friends with myself ew that guy sucks but sometimes i wish the people around me felt more like i do. my family does just think im disgusting even when i explain i dont have the energy to even move sometimes, im constantly suppressing my sadness, rage, even my joy. constantly holding my mouth shut whenever something upsets me and makes me feel rejected cuz i know no one is gonna understand unless they go through what i go through

cuz i know how tiring it is, idk i just want other people to know that i see you and yr not awful for being mentally ill. really tired of all the stigma surrounding various mental disorders cuz it like. it seems like it never goes away???? no matter how much systems scream about DID rep in media it never gets any better (the best example i can think of in recent is moon knight and that still has its flaws), no matter how many bpd support groups there are people still think yr an abuser the second they hear you have it, same with npd and honestly all the cluster b disorders. the seriousness of depression and anxiety is often overlooked, autism and adhd are either glamorized like hell or completely looked down upon, its so. dumb

the problem is, once they learn you are mentally ill in some way, you no longer have a voice. because yr crazy and why should they listen to you? thats how they feel basically. they see us as like. subhuman?? not well enough to make our own decisions apparently, which is so sad and so fucked up. instead of helping you cope with these problems, they just strip away yr humanity. so if they wont make us feel welcome, i can at least do my part to make other people feel welcome, yknow?

i just wish that people would do that for me 😔 no one ever disputes that im disgusting or lazy, they always shit on me for being so anxious and paranoid, like my entire existence is a burden on the people i know. the only way to not feel like that is if i never share my mental issues to begin with, which has its own problems. i do have some people who treat me well despite my flaws, but a majority dont. guess thats just reality for people like me

#mental illness #mental health #tw ableism

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crepuscollo · 1 year

Text

the post before this (or the one before the before this) rlly made me think about who i am able to take my mask off with and who i cant.

i obviously thoughtlessly drifted to how it would be like to take off my mask with ash. thats when i realised he may be one of the only people if not literally the only person ive ever been fully comfortable with.

sure there’s the whole smart ass know it all thing he has going and his whole i like feeling rich thing and the twisted perspectives on some things. but away from that ive never been more myself than i was with him. ive never shared so much of myself either. i shared everything. all the dark sex fantasies, my big childhood secret, i never opened up ab my mum but thats bec of other things. i just felt like i could talk to him ab anth and say anth and it would be okay. im not saying other ppl necessarily judge me or i dont trust them or anything i just didnt feel okay telling them.

so yeah. it was really hard to get rejected (or atlst thats how i would put it) by the one person uve ever FULLY let ur guard down for. the one person who you told ur deepest darkest secret. the one person u were the most yourself with, couldnt even fucking be with you. didnt like you enough. im not even saying i liked him that much because i didnt. it was a lot more about me than him. ig its the way he makes me feel. so its him as well. but im talking about the rejection, here. it was hard to take not because i couldnt live without him, but because im really desperate for him to like me. i still am. i think about it a lot. idk why i can be myself around him and not other people. but it rlly fucking hurts that he rejected me. and not just that but after it all i could feel was him drifting and separating from me snd purposefully putting distance between us which ofc only made me think that he never rlly liked me and he finds me annoying and a pain in the ass. so thats even worse.

when i was crying and all that i wont say my feelings for him weren’t strong but they weren’t that strong. i was dealing with a lot; belal and my sister, post-hurghada stress, maya vs my sis, socially drained, physically drained, not well rested, still having to see family and friends so no break, my period lol, im on accutane. the list goes on for the amount of shit that was happening and duding hurghada the only thing i could think ab was getting back and telling him all about it and our late night calls. but no. he wasnt there. he said hed be there and he wasnt. and he doesnt try to be. and he doesnt care that he isnt. he just isnt. he just isnt here anymore. he suddenly decided that he isnt hete anymore. these arent trust issues babe, i got abandonment issues.

ch4, black, ash, sp1.

sp2 was complicated. blue was me letting my demons out on him bec i couldnt handle it.

anyway, its kind of bugging me that he thinks i was so swooned by him bec im so sure it fed his ego which is natural i guess but its not honest. i didnt really truly figure out how i felt till now. i miss him. his friendship. our calls. talking to him. about everything. i miss him a lot and ill never not miss him and i don’t necessarily like him romantically- a lot of it if not most of it is platonic- but he just doesnt enjoy my company, i guess. and thats the thing that hurts to make peace with. its almost impossible. bec i feel very strongly about him.

oh and my attachment to him was very emotional which is another reason why the parting was so intense for me. he opened more doors to me than anyone ever has. he is so special. but he made me really insecure. i feel unlovable and hopeless. like im just a talking stage, never more than that. even if they loved me or really strongly liked me- its never enough for more than just that. thats why i cant do this anymore. talk to guys and open up and this shit and then get hurt and abandoned again… i just cant do it.

ash told me please dont let me be a bad example of a guy or someone who hurt u and this whole thing … i told him yeah. sure. i let him have it. but theres no way he could have done what he did without hurting me (nvm he could be my friend lol but let me continue either way) bec nthn will change the fact eno i opened up to him and he left me still. he told me at one point en hes doing this too late but atlst he is doing it still. yeah. he got one thing right. it was most definitely too late.

its really crazy to me that the whole parting thing happened july 31 and august 1 but im coming to terms with how i felt and why i felt it and my emotions and feelings are only making sense on this not-so-random tuesday: november 1. (its technically monday, october 31st, but its almost 5am on tuesdsy soo). exactly 2 months. ha. ridiculous. i wish i could tell him tho. i wish i could tell him that i wasnt so sad bec i wanted him so badly and loved him snd wanted a rsp. he was just a good friend for me, and thats what broke my heart. and thats why hes a bad person, he did abandon me. he abandoned our friendship. thats all i wanted: a friend. he can say were “friends” and hes here or wtv but thats not the way it feels. it doesnt feel like hes here. it doesnt feel like he cares. this is why i cant forgive him. i shouldnt have to. he made promises that a frjend makes; before and after the parting; and he didnt live up to any of it. i guess a promise doesnt mean anything. trust doesnt mean anything. and affection and soft spots and caring fade away in one night and all our golden conversations and incredible talks and memories fade away as easily as a melting snowflake. nothing matters. not to him anyway. not me to him.

there are a few thoughts that got lost in there that i probably didnt chase fast enough to get them down but thats enough for now. i cant process any more unfinished business tonight. its 4:49am and im dreading studying math tomorrow, as always.

fuck. every time i think of majors and uni i think of ash. every good song or every song that manifests a colour reminds me of him. hes all i can think about. he is forever. and he doesnt deserve that. he lives in my mind, undeserving, invasive, unwanted, unrelenting, yet comfortable and gnawing away at my sanity.

i hate him

i hate him so so much

god,

i hate him.

i cant say it enough

i cant fucking say it enough because i cant lose hope in the fact that if i say it enough, itll come true.

why cant he be easy to hate? like black.

fuck.

FUCK.

he doesnt deserve my feelings and emotions. why did he have to open that door?

it was so hard to shut. and i never wanted to shut it in the first place. he shouldve handled it with more delicacy. more care. but no, lol, abandoned. again. i could make a poem of all the “agains”.

i need to sleep

i need my mind to rest

omg onw more rhing the best door he opened is my ability to write again like when i reread the jo ss a few weeks ago it made me realize how i was bstter at communicating advice snd comfort and those sorts of things and connectingwith things and he helped me see that i aint what i used to be snd i dont have as many feelings or thoights or deepnesd or intensity as i used to be because i pushed it all away, deep down. but its back, as u can see. i cant stop writing. i cant stop feeling. i cant stop thinking about him.

i cant stop looking for his face in crowds.

god i wish i could … idk… do i regret him? he made me feel intense and good emotions and everyth and helped me reslize a lot of things and i cant deny en he was a beyond good part of my summer but now when i look back at hurghada im like did these pics and vids drive him away and all i canthink is oh yeah she had no idea whatll happen in teo days and yeah it went from 0 to 100 so quick so idk if i regret it or not idk if it was worth it

also horny is easy to feel bec it feels good yet intense snd secretive its not like happiness but its still a good feeling which is odd excitement is supposed to be good bit its stressfull as well and it gnaws at u. horny is good and essy snd quick and even if u get it wrong so what nthn is affected. it cant go badly (even excitement can be stress) so yeah. horny is essy snd not complicated and thats why i like feeling a lot of it it doesnt let me feel empty and it elevates my mood at the same time.

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letters-to-barton · 2 years

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i wrote in a letter before about how i went through and deleted a lot of my old writing. i wanted to connect this to the thing i talked about recently about your drinking. i dont want to just come here and repeat things ive been saying already, and im trying to understand my own feelings as well as yours. i think thats why we need to talk about it more - i have a pretty good grip on why its upsetting me, but im still not sure why you do/did it (and i dont know if you know either?). so.. deep dive into my emotions wooo

so, one of the texts i deleted was something that frustrated me a lot back in february, it was around the 10th or so, before we went out properly, but it was the night we had initially planned to go to a hotel together. we were out with some other people. i texted you and said i wanted to go, i wasnt feeling great and we had established that we were leaving together. you replied with "i want to stay". we had both decided we wont be drinking much since we wanted to be clear in the head for whatever would go down between us. you were drinking a lot. it was something i talked about being uncomfortable with when we had the threesome conversation with lou later as well. its always been something that made me uncomfortable and it seemed you were always taking it a step too far. i dont mean to police you nor your drinking habits, more so the not sticking to things we planned and prioritizing the drinking instead. i think i blew up at the airport because i believe so strongly that we are both such different people now, but that part of your behavior brings me back to how you were then. its why i want to get to the bottom of it and try to understand why you act that way. i dont want to feel used by you again like i did in february, i dont want to feel the way i did when i lashed out on you. obviously im very very far from that mindset and im handling it in better ways, but i feel like if we dont talk about it i will inevitably end up bottling those emotions up as usual and i dont want to do that. i promised you i would talk to you when things bother me and i dont want to break that promise. im again really sorry for talking about this with lou and faith initially, i was lost and confused on how to deal with the whole situation and it felt good in the moment to get that frustration out and get tips on how to handle it. its not something i will do again, i absolutely promise to go to you first when something bothers me.

i think this also goes back to the photo booth thing - sometimes i feel like my feelings arent prioritized or youre choosing to ignore them. i was bugging you about taking photos even back in everland (and before that), even when we werent dating. i thought that made it clear that it was something important to me. it feels like sometimes you ignore what i say until the last moment, like with the photos. and even going back to the situation with christabel, where we ended up at their place, i had already communicated at rabbithole that i wasnt comfortable with anything happening. and it still did and you went along with it even though you knew (but chose to ignore? because *you* were having a good time and that made it ok?) that it made me uncomfortable. i still think back to how horrible it made me feel. i still get the ick from being around christabel for that reason, it reminds me of that situation and how you werent respecting my feelings. and because you did the same thing with the photos - ran off with christabel when you knew i was uncomfortable - i just feel disgusting about it. i dont know how to make those feelings go away. i hate that they got the privilege of giving you a blowjob. i hate it. i hate it because i love you. im really sorry. i know that we werent even dating back then but i keep thinking back to the fact that you could just ignore my feelings like that, when i had made my boundaries so goddamn clear to both of you before we even left rabbithole. im scared something similar will happen when youre drunk, or even tipsy, because sometimes you have no regard for anyones feelings except yours. and other times you go out of your way to help people. i dont know why you act so differently. i dont know how to deal with it.

i would also like to mention the busan activity when we went together. not because we had any plans, but because you absolutely let it go too far. you were not even aware that you were being touched by someone you didnt want to be touched by. i was terrified that she (i dont remember her name anymore) would try something, and its why i tried to stick to you throughout the night, as well as stay sober. when you told me you barely remembered her the day after, i was really glad i did. i dont know what would have happened if i wasnt there, and its also part of the reason why seeing you drinking makes me uncomfortable. you agree to things you dont want to. im scared that something will happen when i inevitebly cant be there. its not about whether i trust you to be faithful or not. you werent even fully aware of what was happening. part of me is terrified youll end up like i did at FF - passed out, not sure what happened, no memories of the previous night. if i wasnt the one who had my room next to yours in busan, would things have gone differently? would you have invited someone else into your room? would you have tried to kiss them too?would you have regretted it? not entirely relevant to my feelings about it, especially because we werent dating at the time either. i am mostly bothered by you ignoring my feelings sometimes when youre drunk, but i felt i still wanted to talk about this and it does relate to your behavior when drinking. i care about you and i dont want you to get used by anyone. it has nearly happened when i was there, and it scares me that i dont know what happens when im not there.

honestly, i think part of my feelings about the photos was also the fact that it was christabel who asked. i think it was the way you, once again, were prioritizing what they wanted over what i was upset about. i was immediately brought back to that night. i didnt want you to go. i didnt want you to not want me there. i wanted to be a priority and i wanted you to see that what the fuck, ive been asking for this for so long, but as soon as they ask you go immediately. i wanted you to see my feelings. i wanted to be in those photos so bad, i mean, i love photos! that was the whole point! i love making memories through photos and i really wanted to be there! and you still didnt see that, even though i asked for photos so many times!

ive tried to ignore your behavior a lot. there are things that just make me snap, like the photo situation. but most of the time, i just feel like.. well, i finally have you, right? this is what i wanted? i wanted a relationship with you so bad and i should be happy about it 100% of the time so why does it bother me? its fine now for the most part, so why do things from the past hurt so much? why do i still get a lump in my throat every time you mention lauras name? why? i should be happy. youre mine. after all this time, youre mine. and things still hurt. why do they hurt? why do the smallest things bring me back to the big ones? why do i jump to conclusions so easily? why cant i communicate my feelings properly until its too late?

im hard to understand. i know that. im trying my best to learn to communicate these things before they happen. sometimes i feel like i am communicating it and its still not getting through. and like ive been writing about, sometimes it feels like even when i do communicate you just ignore it. i dont know why. well, thats why im writing this. to communicate my feelings before its too late.

so, yeah. part of the reason i was upset has to do with the photos themselves. and the way i wanted them so bad but only after that night did you actually want to take any. im not really upset about the photos themselves anymore. you more than made up for it with all the photos we took after that. im really happy about how much effort you were putting into making me happy. but... yeah, the root of the problem has always been the drinking for me, and you ignoring my feelings. it was about you not caring about how i felt. and it seems youre only like that when youve been drinking. i hope we can find ways to solve it. i dont want to be anxious and on guard every time you go out drinking. and i dont want you to avoid making plans (to call me, for example) just because youre drinking. i dont want the solution to the problem to be "okay, then i wont call you, or make any plans with you at all". its not a solution for me. i dont want to disappear from your mind as soon as alcohol is involved. i dont want to get upset every time, and yet i do. i want to solve the problem from the root - which is answering the question "why am i upset?" and working from there. i want you to think about how i feel, because part of a relationship is considering each others feelings. i dont want you to see me as a burden when youre drinking.

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symptoms-syndrome · 3 years

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#im gonna put this in tags in case i wake up and regret this so it wont get spread around first but #theres something to be said about how parts but not people are allowed to be somewhat more? 2 dimensional?#like one of the exercises for developing characters in writing is essentially going 'well what would they do in [situation]'#and like #if i were to apply that to a part like #what would H do if she was presented with a super stressful situation? dont know bc she'd probably switch out.#like she doesn't get stressed. its sort of her job to not get stressed.#so often since parts are triggered out by different emotions sometomes for me its like. sometimes parts arent complex #a lot of the time theyre just 'the best person to handle x'#whether x is an emotion or an environment or a conflict or whatever #and they just sort of. dont exist outside of that sphere where theyre needed #entirely guessing on my front here but i feel there probably isnt anyonr w DID who has a part who can handle everything bc thats just not #the nature kf the disorder #this also applies more broadly and less broadly depending on which parts im talking abt #like daily life parts obvi have a bigger window of tolerance than many trauma stuck parts #but also i dont know how a lot of us/them handle high stress bc i just. zoink out for that

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cynettic · 3 years

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Stay with Me pt.3

Summary - You manage to escape from Scaramouche, if only for a moment before you realize there’s no escape. It only takes until you’re sitting back in your regular spot that you know what you need to do.

Pairings - Kitsune!Reader x Yan!Scaramouche

Warnings - Suggestive content, mentions of death, swearing, slight gore / blood

A/N - Its really hard to make this depressing while I’m vibing to Rasputin. Like no joke- I have it on one of the 1 hour playlists :D

Here you’ll find - pt.1 and pt.2

He’d left a key.

Scaramouche didnt make mistakes, not while he had you captive in the vicinity of his bedroom. He didnt have room for mistakes, not when you were watching his every movement while he was in your line of sight.

Sure, he mightve killed a person or two in front of you, but those were necessary mistakes. There was a sign on the door, it specified not to enter. You’d understand that, right?

Thats what he thought at least, lulling himself into belief after belief that you’d be there waiting for him every time. That you’d welcome him with open arms, even if there were chains ensnaring your wrists. That you’d accept your fate at his hands and submit yourself to him.

The Balladeer was a fool.

He’d kept you there for too long, and while you searched for an easy way to escape, time sent your head spinning. Into a spiral that begged only for the wind against your face, back laying on dirt with the familiar chirping up birds waking you up in the morning.

You wanted to go outside.

And when push comes to shove, you had to risk a little more to make it happen. Lure him into bed with kisses while your hands unbuttoned his vest. But what he believed to be alluring contacts was just your way of finding the keys hidden in the back pocket of his shorts.

It wasnt hard to find the one to your cuffs while he was asleep, cuddled in your chest with both arms around your waist as if to get you to stay put. You took the key, hiding them back in his clothing and hoping he didnt notice.

He didnt say anything the next day.

You werent going to wait any longer.

“Oh for fucks sake, why won't the goddamn door open?”

The room was left in tatters behind you, a little gift for Scaramouche once he got back. Turns out a pair of chains can smash up a lot of things, and rage can be used as a great source of strength when contained for such a long time.

But you’d done more than throw the blankets around, cut up the drawers and smash open the windows. Because your fists had bled red when you punched through the glass, puncturing your skin. Your knuckles were an ugly red, bruising already.

Ah, Scaramouche deserved a much better gift.

Gruesome as it was, you rubbed your knuckles against the pale walls. Till the blood stopped coming, till there was a nice little message for the boy which you held so dearly to your heart.

‘Balladeer.’

The first time you’d found out about him being a harbinger he’d told you not to call him by that name. You weren’t someone he associated with by work, you were a treasure to him. That’s why you continued to call him as he pleased, although the temptation always arose.

You were no longer his.

Shoving the door with your hand again, palm fiddling with the handle and groaning when it hardly budged. “Stupid,” you grumbled when the knob began to loosen. Backing up, you charged with your shoulder to the door, full force as the momentum broke the hinges. The door fell down with you along with it.

It was expected, you’d been stuck in the room for a long time, and thats considering you’d sat on the ground for decades. Your body was slight numb, muscles sore and unused for so long.

“You a-arent supposed to leave your room!”

A young man stood in the hallway along with a woman who looked relatively the same age. The two were wearing uniforms, flinching when you stood up from the debris and off the door. “Excuse me?” You asked, voice unnecessarily icy and stern. But you couldnt care less, you were going to get out of this house, damn anyone who stood in your way.

They both continued to shake when you walked towards them, staggering from side to side. The woman stepped up in front of the man, presenting a brave face. “If you leave the mansion, the harbinger will kill us all!”

“Well then I expect you should be on your way then. Actually…” you gestured to the maze of hallways. “You can lead the way.”

“What…?”

Your hand went limp to your side, an exasperated looking momentarily crossing your face before you sighed. “Im not staying trapped in that room, I’m sorry if that ruins your life, but frankly you're not the one stuck in there are you?” You took an extra step just to intimidate them, eyes wide to make the appearance of crazy. “It would be a great help if you showed me where he hid my vision too.”

“We can show you to the door…” The man began, “But the whereabouts of your vision are unknown, he wouldnt tell us something like that.”

A gift bestowed from the gods, a piece to help me thrive with my ambitions and pursue my goals.

Gone.

You really wished you’d taken to clawing out Scaramouche’s face instead, but you’d take what you got. Right now your main priority was getting out of this place, even if it meant leaving a piece of you behind.

“Door.” Your voice was raspy and there was a terrible feeling that crawled up to your throat, but you didnt have time to be emotional. “Show me where the door is… please.”

The conflict in their eyes dissipates by the time they lead you along, mumbling words between themselves. You didnt bother to try eavesdropping, you were so, so tired. You wanted to go home.

Anywhere. Anywhere but here.

It took a few minutes until you were standing in front of a grand door, almost twice the size of you and just as wide. You then began to notice the decorational plants and furniture that filled the empty space, there wasn't an inch of dust. Even though you could tell none of it was used.

“Hurry,” the man warned when you paused. “I dont know when our master is coming back, but if its soon, we’ll all be screwed.”

You couldnt feel your head as you numbly nodded, hand clenching the knob and flinging the set of doors open. “Thank you,” you merely mumbled, taking your first step out of the house in what felt like forever.

The days after that were a blur, the area around Scaramouche’s house were nothing but void. Empty and filled with forests and vast plains. You knew he didnt like people or socializing in general, but to this extent?

Your only option was to run.

Let your feet take you somewhere, anywhere. It was a constant pattern of running and taking breaks, leaning on a tree and gasping in a few breaths before you were again scurrying through the forest.

And yet you felt better than you’d felt in past months that you’d been stuck with Scaramouche.

Food became any boar you came across, the claws you’d spent so long hiding with Scaramouche coming to unleash a wrath beyond your comprehension. Till the animal was cut to shreds and no meat was left even to eat. You’d slaughtered it, without intention to eat or benefit for it, you’d killed it just to kill.

“I’m sorry,” you’d sobbed into the ground where you’d buried the harmless animal. Forehead pressed into the dirt as you pleaded for forgiveness to whatever archons would accept it. You couldn't even remember what archons you were supposed to pray to. “Forgive me- forgive me…”

But eventually you found your way around to somewhere you knew. Territory of Inazuma where you could find your way back, back home.

Where was home?

You’d been on the run from the vision hunt decree, abandoning your post for the Kitsune Saiguu for such a thing. Even now that you could return without a vision and as no threat under the decree…

You’d sacrificed everything for your vision.

Where were you to go now…?

Rain patted down, the trees providing only a slight cover as stray drops fell into your matted dirty hair. You didnt mind, it hid the tears that slid down your lifeless face, feet taking you into the far meadows of your hometown. Till you plopped down underneath a tree, knees curled to your chest and arms hugging them close. You were crying.

You were home.

____________________

“Awh,” a ginger haired murmured, elbow resting on the cool wood of the tabletop. “Is little Mouchie sad? I heard your kitty cat escaped~”

A death wish, even fatui that idly minded themselves around the bar knew it. Sipping cold drinks and swirling their cups, the soft chatter was nothing but a distraction from the main course of events. That being the smaller Harbinger who sat sulking in his seat, hunched over with a drink in hand. He’d drank far more than what was on the counter, but everytime he finished a glass, he’d smash it on the ground, watching the fragile glass shatter into pieces.

“I dont have a cat,'' was his only response, tone daring Childe to pursue further. To give him a reason to start throwing the glass in his face instead.

And Childe was an idiot when it came to challenging someone.

“No cat?” The rest of the drink in the taller harbinger’s glass was gone when he threw his head back. “Hmmm, I cant think of what else could’ve had you so enraptured in returning home then~!”

Scaramouche didnt respond, uneven bangs shadowing the bags under his eyes. “Stronger,” he said instead, elbow on the counter and hand outstretched for something. When there was no movement from the man managing the wine, the harbinger looked up. “I need something stronger to drink,” he repeated, voice seething.

“Of c-course!”

The glass was nestled in Scaramouche’s palm in no time, fingers curling around the circular form to down it in seconds. The drink merely slid down his throat in one movement, alcohol burning his senses. It didn’t matter, he was numbed by the growing rage inside of him.

Finally, he turned to the ginger haired boy, eyes hazily dancing along the counter till it reached his fingertips. Up his hand and along his arm, till Scaramouche was staring right into Childe’s eyes. “They escaped,” he admitted softly. “But it’s alright, because I sent something that’ll bring them back.”

Childe paused, raising his drink up away from his lips to pose a question. Hesitation danced along his features before he brought the glass back, he’d rather not provoke the shorter male any further. Wasn’t like he could interfere anyway.

____________________

“That… that…”

It was preposterous, having returned to that same spot for a day or two and heading back to the hometown you’d once lived in. The one Scaramouche had lived in. There shouldn’t have been an issue, you were solely gathering supplies for the sake of it, ambition driving you to travel far far away.

Out of Inazuma.

It was your new beginning, convincing yourself that you didn't need a vision. Finding some sort of purpose before Scaramouche shattered the vision and your life along with it. You’d seen how people had reacted when it had been ingrained in the statue, neutralized and broken. They lost hope, purpose and aspirations for anything new.

It’s not like the Raiden Shogun took my vision.

But you’d taken that fact for granted, expecting some sort of new start without Scaramouche. A victory, getting away from him just for a split second and getting out of Inazuma altogether, you’d never see him again.

Until you got his message.

“How the hell…” You crushed the note until it was just crumbled paper in your hand, slowly leaning on the stone wall. “Piece of shit… what kind of person even…”

Not only did he manage to find you, but without making his presence known, he’d tugged at your one weakness with an ease that had you down on your knees.

You threw the paper to the ground, deliberate as you stared past the alleyway. Pensive as you considered your options. Damn, what options did you even have? You’d been an idiot to underestimate Scaramouche, he wasn’t a child, you knew that… but archons he seemed like one when he was with you. Shown you a vulnerability he wanted only you to see. But maybe that had been part of his plan all along, until all you believed was his soft demeanor.

He may act like a child, but he’s a harbinger.

You stared down at the crumbled piece of paper in disgust.

Not only that, but he has no regard for human life.

Either way, you’d lived decades more than him. You could face him, you would present yourself to him just as he expected you to. Even when everything in you rejected the idea, sobbed at the thought of returning to that house, those chains. Being locked up and confined only for the purpose of coddling a small boy, a selfish boy, a cruel boy.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

You’d figure out a way, and this time you wouldn’t rule out the option of his death.

———————

Oh darling Y/n, how have you been?

I hope this letter reaches you rather soon, we both have much to discuss, no? About me, about you, and much more. You see, I’ve taken up quite a distaste to your little friends. Stone statues in Inazuma as small as Kitsunes truly hold no purpose, what will they do, come back to life? Haha, I should think not. I’ve already arranged to have them demolished, who knows what kind of material they might possess. Ah, and of course I’d show you the finishing product, unless you’re willing to come and have a chat with me once more? Under the Sakura tree like we used to, you’ve waited years, I believe you can wait for me?

I hope this letter reaches you in best interests. I’m always looking out for you after all.

Sincerely, your Balladeer

——————

It was raining.

Beautiful weather as you lay sitting there, feet crossed and tucked in the same you’d often do. After all, there was no need to fear the vision hunt decree or the Raiden Shogun. Let them come, let them take care of you before Scaramouche did.

You werent cold, not when the cold drops dampened your clothing, slipping down the length of your spine and drenching your face. Despite having lived in a luxury residency for such a long time, this was where you were most comfortable, enduring whatever the weather had for you, taking it with a smile. Because you were waiting…

The Kitsune Saiguu was a distant memory.

You were waiting for Scaramouche, the young boy that often bound into the field in lengthy strides, childlike wonder in his eyes. The one who’d cried when the other kids pushed him away, the one that just wanted to be praised. You’d held him in your arms, and now, even knowing the results, you wouldnt have done differently.

He was just a boy.

Just a boy when he joined the fatui, looking for praise that he was given. He created chaos and bellowed orders with a cruelty that was highly looked upon. Told that he was doing well, so he continued to do so.

He’s just a boy.

You wished you’d held him in your arms, if not only for a tad longer. Shield him away from the wrongness of the world, if only for one last time.

Banishing away your hatred for him was hard.

But you found it under the tree, rain soon dimming down to a clouded cold breeze that swept through the meadow. You’d hated him while stuck in the mansion, but you could now see it from a larger point of view. What he did was wrong of course, but you could remember him so vividly now. His small form giggling, tiny arms around your neck.

“Play with me!”

Was it your fault?

For not holding him tighter? For trying to rectify his bad doings and teach him what was wrong and right? Maybe if your grip was firmer, if you’d spoken to him about the warmth he’d given you that day when playing cards...

“Lazy ass.”

Burying down that pile of worry and insecurities, you took a deep breath in to relax. The edge of your lip perked up, only slightly. “Still terrible with your social skills arent you?”

Slowly securing a dry space under the three with you, Scaramouche sat down. His features were the same ones you’d grown accustomed to at his mansion. Rich clothes, sharp eyes, and the baby face that refused to go away. His movements were soft as he pulled out a deck of cards. The two of you didnt speak as he distributed them between you both. It was tense… no, it felt too much like the warmth form long ago to be tense. You only wished the situation to be different.

“I love you.”

But you could only offer a bitter smile to his words. “I love my vision,” you replied. “I love the Kitsune Saiguu, and I love my friends.”

His touch was gentle when his fingers came to gently cradle your cheek. Holding your face dearly as he peered into your eyes, his were soft. Different from the cruelty he held within, the hatred that burned and destruction that seeked to explode.

You saw a little boy.

Your hand came to press his hand further against your cheek, till you slid his palm to your lips. He appeared so calm when you pressed the first kiss, lips tracing the lines along his palm with all the care in the world.

But you needed to change your view, see him as the man he now was. As the man he had become.

“I love you,” he repeated, and you let go of his hand. It fell limp by his side, cards all but forgotten. There was a much more pressing matter at hand, because you truly needed to see him as he was.

It was necessary if you planned to kill him.

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