#which is scary and also frustrating because people tend to freak out and ask a lot of questions and its hard to answer | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pbandjesse · 2 years

Text

Today was not as productive but it was a good day. I'm just really happy being here.

I had fun last night. I did not make the best choices of videos. Watching scary woods videos while being alone in the woods was not my best move. But I worked on my popsicle stick house and painted for a little and did some more knitting. I really just had fun doing my own thing.

Dad called me the other day and asked me why I love camp so much. And I found it a little hard to answer. But I have been thinking about it more. There's a freedom to it. Besides just getting to be in nature, I can truly just. Be. When I'm at home I tend to feel a lot of guilt when I'm not working working working. Here everything is slower. I can work or I can read or I can hang in my hammocks. No one is watching me and judging me. No one is expecting anything from me except being a great art teacher. I can walk to get some interaction but I also am perfectly happy being by myself. I have decided tasks. I have a place to see animals. To swim. To just be quiet. Plus I feel like I'm part of something bigger and that history is just so lovely. Plus I'm in charge of stuff and people look to me as an expert and it's just. Exactly what I love. I love being here.

I felt like that last night even when I freaked myself out with a scary video. I felt happy.

And I slept well. I got up a little after 7. I got washed up and dressed. I actually would change into the outfit pictured because it was a little rainy and a little chilly. But it would warm up as the day went on.

I had a little breakfast of rice cakes and fruit leather. I played in my phone. I felt pretty good. At 830 I wandered to the lodge to use the bathroom. And then headed to the pool house. I was told we were meeting at 9. So I was a little early. Like we were asked.

This ended up being. Very very annoying. Because we wouldn't start until closer to 10. And it very much felt like we were just. Wasting time. Like I know things are hard and there's a lot going on. But a lot of us were really annoyed. We have a lot to do to get ready for next week and after all the wasted time yesterday it didn't feel good.

But it wasn't a horrible day. We spent the morning with some therapists learning about mental health first aid and that was actually really nice. I got to learn some stuff about my coworkers and just felt validated in the ways I already do things in caring for those around me.

We ended up doing all of that in the tipi feild and it was a little much. But it was fine. It could have been worse. I was mostly just hungry and frustrated that I still don't have my purse which means I don't have my wallet.

But CJ was nice enough to offer to buy me some pizza. So at lunch me and her would drive out to Home Depot for some supplies and then lunch.

The GPS took us the weirdest way and ended up making us go in a stupid loop??? We were both cackling and screaming trying to figure out how that happened.

We got to Home Depot and had some trouble finding the polycrilic but after asking we got it and went to get some food.

The pizza was fine. It made me feel better at least. But what should she been a half hour trip tops turned into an hour and a half. And we got back and I decided not to rejoin the group. Instead I went to work up at the art building. I had to assemble and dip 80 wooden disk medallions that will be used as name tags.

The Greek church camp was still using my building so I just worked around them. Making the medallions and hanging them to dip. Which took me almost an hour. The kids had lots of questions but I was more then happy to answer. And then once they were done I would start dipping them and that took a while but I am really happy with them.

I would go and join everyone else once I was done dipping the name tags. They were all at the council ring with Slim. He's the Appalachian folk musician. And I did not expect to dance but I did and it was so much fun! Exhausting and sweaty but so much fun. I'm glad I participated.

I danced with CJ and some other coworkers. And there were lots of laughs. And once we were done I grabbed Laura so we could go set up a tank for Frenchy the crawfish. I'm excited he will have a larger tank to hang out in.

We did some cleaning. I am worried about how set up she'll be but I'm not going to press. If she asks for help I'm more then will but I'm not in charge.

I left her there and went to my building. Josephine and Louisa came to drop off some packages to me and then stayed to help opened them and put everything away. And it was nice hanging out with them. They are getting so big!! Josephine is 9 this year and she cut all her hair off and Louisa just looks so much taller. They are both so sweet so it's always fun to hang out with them and make art and stuff.

They left me soon and I did some deciding on projects for the night and tomorrow. But soon I packed my shower bag to go clean up. I was very gross today from lots of walking.

I would stop at the office and there was a new international from Turkey! He seems lovely. And wants to try everything. So we took him to to the pool house and gave him snacks to try. Laura and some of the other girls were telling him things they like so far and it was fun.

I would leave them soon though to go shower and that made me feel a lot better. Even if that shower sucks.

I came back here to my building and would spend time making a bead frog. And hanging in my hammock. And for the last two hours I've gotten to help with the Greek camps scavenger hunt. I wish I had more things to give them but I think I was helpful. And it was fun being a part of it.

I am leaving my doors open until all my stuff is returned. And I'm painting my name tag. Making it extra fancy. With flowers and strawberries. And once all my things are back with me I'll clean up my table and get ready to get cozy.

James did their big bike ride today! And they are with their friends watching a baseball game. And I hope they are having the best time. They are coming to get me tomorrow and I'm excited to see them.

I hope it is another excellent day. Sleep well everyone. Take care of yourself and be kind. Goodnight!!

2 notes · View notes

serenawitchwriter · 3 years

Text

BNHA fusion (minor cast/Deku)

IzuYami

Goth™

Emo™

DRAMATIC™

fluffy feathers

monologues

advanced shadow control and counting dark shadow, nine spirits that can come out of them

constantly playing with their cloak

swish swish

will cry if you’re nice to them

incredibly creative

good at drawing

fears their own power and is incredibly cautious as a result

writes poetry and short stories

a gentle soul

broods alone, looks kinda stupid

tends to get caught up in his own dramatics and forgets the world around him

gets along surprising well with the Aoyama

seems to be having fun

MomoDeku

insecure

perfect

that frustrating friend who doesn’t believe you when you say they’e perfect

literally the smartest person you’ll ever meet

like Nedzu level smarts

probably has tea with Principal Nedzu

uses big words that you have no chance of knowing

talks to themselvesX2

THE MOST ATTRACTIVE PERSON

long dark curly hair and freckles with an Elvin face

Rube Goldberg plans and strategies that run too smoothly to be real

looks yandere when they get serious or angry but isn’t one

QUEEN

so gentle most of the time

does crafts when anxious

the crafts get progressively more absurd the more anxious they are

Jirou walked in and found them working a loom. they could have just pulled tapestry out of their body fully formed but instead they made a loom and actually wove it

gives gifts and crafts to all their friends

made action figures of all their classmates

the prettiest smile

has a crush on Todoroki

KouDeku

soft

still selectively mute

still literally a disney princess, constantly surrounded by animals

animalistic. izuku’s feral energy, and kouda socializing more with animals than people adds up to a person who moves and sometimes acts like an animal.

is particularly predatory when defending loved ones, children, and animals.

doesn’t need to speak to show emotions. is incredibly expressive

still has a rock shaped head, but is covered in a soft short green fur over his entire body. people are going to compare them to the Grinch or the moss monster in Creepshow. they don’t deserve that

baby with big green eyes

cries easily

deceptively clever

strong and fast. will tackle/pounce on you like a wild animal and you don’t stand a chance

draws a lot, particularly still life’s, scenery, and animals

surprisingly easy to make angry, they have a strong moral code and will get mad if you go against it

besties with the mutant types

old soul

probably knits to wind down at the end of the day.

master of giving dirty or sarcastic looks. again they don’t have to speak to express what they’re thinking. this is particularly funny with Bakugou because they’ll give him a ‘you’re an idiot’ look and Bakugou will yell at them to say it again even though they’ve said nothing

subtly manipulative. which is impressive given their muteness

probably has a predator animal companion. i want to say a tiger or a bear. bear would fit more aesthetically.

also has a ferret companion, named Lucky. whether that name is accurate remains to be seen

ShojiDeku

tentacles

tol and stronk, boy is even more solid muscle than either are alone, could bench press a building

still wears a mask. green eyes, curly silver hair, might have freckles but the mask covers them

scarred arms

respects women

very gentle

insanely creative with their quirk. they use mainly Izuku’s tentacles and strength because their body can handle it and it’s so freaking versatile. add enhanced senses and they’re basically prepared for anything

has a crush on Tsuyu

spends most of their time alone, but in a content way.

quiet

likes to climb things, buildings, trees, walls. they like to be high up

will pat shorter friends heads, like the gentle giant they are

can absolutely still go feral but have to be pushed pretty far to get to that point

genuinely likes to study

is good at science

likes to clean and fix things

good at repairs

finds catharsis and improving situations

AoDeku

chronic pain

cloud-like yellow hair with glitter in it, they try to style it, but it actively fights them. still covered in glitter

a weird, nervous smile

long eyelashes and purple doe eyes

didn’t get the freckles but will draw them on with makeup

full of anxiety and fear

weird laugh.

genuinely doing their best

get’s frustrated with people who aren’t trying

loves bread and cheese

multilingual

a fantastic artist. likes to paint

loves fantasy as a genre

prone to having deep fantasies and daydreams

they like to imply they’re magic/ psychic/ a witch and will read your palm and predict the future fairly accurately but really they’re just good at analysis

magic becomes their hero theme

can shoot lasers from any body part, can even make laser tentacles, but the backlash is bad

hates the hospital with a passion

struggles to ask for help or talk to adults

is actually pretty quiet most of the time. genuinely shy

don’t be mean to them, it’s like hurting a baby dear

has a tired cynical side but they don’t like that side of themselves

has a quiet sort of wisdom that goes far in helping their friends

HagaDeku

mischievous

cheeky

invisible

invisible tentacles, also imagine getting his by someone with super strength when you can’t see them. flout with invisibility is also a scary combination

really positive

wears way too many accessories

talks a lot

bubbly

scary when they go silent, the type to spy and eavesdrop

will also just disappear sometimes. sometimes they’re just recharging after being too social, sometimes they are fighting villains

recovery girls nightmare. can you imagine performing surgery on someone you can’t see. if they just lose consciousness somewhere they’ll be hard to find

loves pop music

an all might stan

ships their friends

gets bored easily, will go and find trouble if it gets too bad

follows other chaotic people around, including the teachers.

is considered really creepy, has definitely been called a stalker in the past

a master of psychological warfare

likes sweets

plays dnd and collects dice

(masterlist)

#fusion au #mha #tokodeku #momodeku #koudeku #shojideku #aodeku #yuma aoyagi #yaoyorozu momo #kouda kouji #shojimezo #midoriya izuku #tokoyami fumigake #bnha #serenawitchwriter

164 notes · View notes

stargazer-balladeer · 4 years

Text

Someone Flirting w/ their S/o [3rd Gym]

Characters Included: Tsukishima Kei, Kuroo Tetsuro, Kenma Kozume, Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Kotaro

Note: No one requested this :) This is happening before the game or match :) It’s not in school, but in the stadium or whatever you call those :) hope ya’ll enjoy this!

Reader’s Gender: Neutral

Warning: none

Tsukishima Kei

-Tsukishima would stare at them as a random person walk up to you and started (shamelessly) flirting with you, saying some horrible pick-up lines, which you retort back (being with Tsukishima has its perks :D). His eyes would narrow when he noticed that the person was getting close to you, too close for liking.

-He wouldn’t do anything really, he knows you can handle it. He trusts you enough to stop that person. If he’s right, he would have that shit-eating grin on his face, which scares Hinata (who was beside him), as he watches you turning away from the person. But if that person persists, then that’s the time he would intervene with the same sadistic grin on his face. He would taunt them endlessly until the person runs away while fuming mad.

-But if you’re too nice and can’t turn the person down, he’ll frown and sigh at the same time. He loves that you’re nice, yes, but its this moments that he wishes you weren’t your nice self. He would watch the scene play out first before intervening. But if the person is getting touchy too quickly, then he’ll be by your immediately with a glare and smirk on his face.

-After that fiasco ends, he’ll ask if you’re alright and ruffles your head in whatever response you give him. He’ll make sure that you are beside Yachi all throughout the game, so he can see you. He’ll never admit to you that he was worried though, he still has his pride and reputation to keep up.

-(He might or might not give you his Karasuno jacket so people can get the idea that you’re taken :).)

Kuroo Tetsuro

-You thought this guy left you alone? No. Not a chance. Even if you’re the manager of Nekoma Volleyball Team or just a normal person to watch the match, he makes sure you’re either with him or in his sight. If he sees someone flirting with you, you better expect a rooster-headed boi by your side.

-This guy has a shit-eating grin while also glaring at the person. He’ll strike up a friendly conversation with that person while still glaring at them. Kuroo’s hand is on your waist and he pulls you closer as he talks with the person. That person would go away either from embarrassment, frustration or awkwardness. This guy has a talent for those kind of things.

-But it doesn’t mean that Kuroo doesn’t trust you, no. He trusts you that you can handle yourself, but people who watches or plays with them? No, he’ll be by your side immediately. He knows how these people can be when they see a lonely person all by themselves, it’s better to stay safe than sorry after all :)

-Kuroo makes sure you’re in his line of vision, or if you’re their Manager, then near Coach Nekoma. This guy makes sure you’ll wear a spare Jersey of him the next match so that people can get the idea that you’re his :)

Kenma Kozume

-When he sees you getting hit by someone, he might froze and panic at what to do. I mean, have you seen this precious bby?! He’s very awkward when it comes to speaking to other people, he actually has no idea how he manage to be friends with someone like Hinata -_- So yeah, he’ll try to come up with a plan to get you out of there.

-But he might also leave you alone, you can handle yourself, right? He trusts you that you can shoo that person away so he’ll (probably) let it go for the mean time. But if he sees that the person is persistent, he’ll glare at them and pout from the distance. He didn’t want to make a fool out of himself, especially not in front of you!

-If you’re nice and couldn’t shoo that guy away, Kenma would sigh as he contemplate why on earth that Kamisama (God) gave him such a nice person. One way or another, Kuroo would get involve and get you out of the situation.

-Kuroo probably saw the scene unfold in front of him and notice Kenma’s reaction of it, which greatly amuses him. He wants to help out right away when he notice you getting hit by someone other than him or the Team (yes, they flirt with you to get on Kenma’s nerves :3), but decided to see it play out. But after a while, he decides enough was enough and drags you away from the person and back to your (still) pouting boyfriend.

-Please hug him though, he’s still his insecure self and is terrified at the idea of you leaving him and finding someone else. Even if its embarrassing, hug him and kiss him. He needs it ;-;

-Kenma tells you to sit somewhere that is on his line of vision so that he could see you and smile at the sight of you (or if you’re their manager, he’ll turn his head just to look at you for a second to get his energy back [a freaking charger]).

-Kuroo probably is the one who gives you a spare jersey of Kenma’s so that you can wear it to their next match. Kenma would be so surprise and embarrassed that his face is red. He knows who did this so he glares at the smirking bed-headed guy.

-(He’s secretly thanking him though. He manage to have a memory of you wearing his jersey :3)

Akaashi Keiji

-Akaashi would be compose and calm (just like his usual self) when he notices you getting hit on by someone, Bokuto is probably the one making the whole thing a big deal. Akaashi would sigh and push Bokuto away while staring at you and the person. He trusts you that you’re able to shoo that person away though, if that happens, he wouldn’t intervene and just go along with his way.

-But if the person persists, he would probably use Bokuto to scare the person away (XD). While Bokuto scaring the guy away, he’ll tend to you and ask if you’re okay. He’ll let out a smile to you to whatever answer you give him and kiss you on the forehead before dragging a screaming Bokuto away, probably leaving you dumbfounded on what’s happening.

-But if you’re too nice to say anything to that person, he’ll intervene. He’ll calmly say something to that person (probably something that goes along the lines of, “Please excuse us.”) before dragging you away from the person. But if that person persists (”Hey! I was talking to them!” in this instance”), Akaashi would lose his cool momentarily, glaring at the person before speaking in the coldest voice you’ll ever hear him say in, “We’re leaving, (ma’am/sir).”

-That person would be frozen from his glare as Akaashi continues to drag you away. He’ll lead you to where you watch the match and give you his water if you want. He’ll ask if you’re okay or if you’re hurt anywhere (Mommy Akaashi mode :D). He’ll ruffle your head and give you his Fukurodani jacket to wear and leave you alone to win a match.

-He gives you his jacket so that everyone can see that you belong to someone from Fukurodani, mainly him. And they’ll probably get scared because Bokuto is there and can be scary if he wants to. It has a double meaning in it :)

Bokuto Koutaro

-HE’S SCREAMING. He’ll immediately by your side and screaming at the person who’s flirting with you. Nobody flirts with his s/o >:( Bokuto will hold you tightly in his (buff) arms while he’s still angrily screaming at the person.

-If you scold him for his actions, he’ll go to his Emo mode (which made Akaashi stare at you like “what have you done?”). You better do something to lift his spirits once more! Like kiss anywhere on his face (or everywhere if you like) and say you’re proud of him. He’ll be back to your usual Bokuto that we all know and love.

-Akaashi might also scold him a bit when he sees Bokuto running to you and the person. Bokuto trusts you, yes. But that person is wayy too close for comfort! Akaashi can only sigh as he watch as Bokuto scream at the person with a dumbfounded you on his arms.

-This is better if you’re too nice to turn the person down though, but even if you can turn them down, Bokuto would be there either way. Just enjoy being in his muscular arms in the time-being :D

-He’ll give you his jacket to wear so that you won’t feel lonely while watching the match. Then he’ll give you a hug and a kiss on the lips (saying it’s a good luck charm!) before going to the court. People better not flirt with you or else they’ll have a screaming Bokuto :)

[x] Main Page || [x] Karasuno Page || [x] Nekoma Page || [x] Fukurōdani Page

852 notes · View notes

transgenderteensurvivalguide · 3 years

Note

So I looked through a detransition blog just out of curiosity, since it was one you reblogged, but now I’m super... freaked out? I have a top surgery consultation in April but now I have this weird fear that I’m faking it or that I’ll regret it afterwards. I’ve identified as somewhere along non-binary and trans (he/they!) for over a year, and I’ve known I’m not a girl for even longer, but now I’m just so afraid that maybe I don’t know myself at all. Do you have any advice on what this is?

Lee says:

Discussing your feelings with a therapist can sometimes help you untangle the anxiety from everything else. It’s reasonable to have some apprehension about a major surgery that can have a big impact on your life because it is a big change- and like any other surgery, it also has medical risk and can result in complications.

And reading about other people’s feelings about their surgeries can be helpful! I do recommend reading things from people who were happy with the outcome and reading things from people who weren't to get a better perspective on the range of experiences that can exist. Only reading the negative or the positive doesn’t provide a balanced view!

But even if you read other people’s stories, and talk to them about why they feel the way they do about their choices and bodies, nobody else can tell you what you should do for yourself. Even a therapist can’t know for sure if you will regret surgery (or anything else that you choose to do) because nobody can see into the future, see into your heart, and see into mind simultaneously to and determine for certain what it is that you need.

As soon as I came out as non-binary when I was 15, I started saving money for top surgery. I was someone who ran towards top surgery at full tilt and I didn’t give myself any space for doubt about whether it was the right choice for me because I felt it was the only choice I had-- forwards or nothing. I was pretty severely depressed at the time and had a brief hospitalization the month before I turned 18, and I was sort of pinning all my hopes on top surgery reducing my dysphoria and booting out my depression. So I scheduled my consultation as soon as I turned 18 and was legally an adult and could do so without parental permission. I immediately scheduled my surgery for the soonest available date, and had inverted-T incision top surgery about 3 months after I turned 18.

Now I’m 21 years old, and I’m 3 years and 5 months post-op from my top surgery.

In retrospect, top surgery was 110% the right choice for me. If I could do it all over again, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Top surgery really did reduce my dysphoria by a significant amount, and that made it easier for me to cope with my depression and other mental health issues. I was proudly parading around the house shirtless as soon as I was able to stop using post-op compression, before my incisions had even healed into scars.

I don’t have any dysphoria about my chest anymore, especially now that I’ve gotten tattoos to cover my scars. I finally feel like I look like how I always knew I was meant to look.

I don’t post pictures of my chest anymore because I have distinguishing tattoos but I’ve posted a few before/after pictures when I was 3 years post-op and I think things have only gotten better now.

I was lucky to not have any complications; I don’t have any nerve pain, and hypertrophic or keloid scarring, and I didn’t need any revisions. But there are some things that are non-ideal compared to if I had just been born with a typical cis-guy flat chest. My nips are a little wonky in color and shape, and I plan on getting medical tattoos at some point to even the edges out. I also have slightly muted sensation in my chest now, so everything is like slightly number than it was before.

When I was pre-op, I did enjoy having nipple sensation that was pleasurable; even though I had inverted t-incision top surgery which preserved the nipple stalk, I still only have tactile, temperature, and pain sensations in my chest. If you put an ice cube on my nipple and my eyes were closed, I’d know it was cold. If you poked me while I was looking away, I’d still feel it. And if you squeezed me, it would hurt. But somehow it doesn’t feel good anymore like it used to.

I don’t know how much of that loss in erotic sensation is a mental thing and how much is a physical change caused by scar tissue build up around the nerve. But regardless, it is a real loss.

For me, that loss is well worth it. While I might have been physically capable of experiencing erotic nipple/chest sensation before, I rarely actually did have that experience because it made me too dysphoric and I didn’t like to take my shirt off during sex. Now I feel more fully present and comfortable in my own body and it makes me more engaged so I can focus on my partner and on the other feelings I’m having and how I look isn’t something that is detracting from the experience.

In general, top surgery has made my life better in a million ways. I love running shirtless with my college cross country team, I like going swimming at the beach with no shirt, and I like the way I look now when I see myself in a mirror after stepping out of the shower.

When I get dressed in the morning, my day starts off on a neutral note because it’s just me putting on clothes. Sometimes I pause to think about how I can just put on a shirt and feel good about it and move on. Before, I used to be upset every morning because the first thing I’d be reminded of when I woke up was that my chest was there and I didn’t want it to be. I’m Autistic, and binding was Not comfortable for me sensory-wise, so not having to bind was also nice.

I would choose to get top surgery again, but that doesn’t mean that it’s the right choice for each and every person. I am sure it was the right choice for me, and I have no regrets at all, I never want to have breasts again. But someone else might think that not having erotic nipple sensation is a dealbreaker, or they might not be comfortable with scars if they tend to heal with more visible raised scars that are harder to cover with a tattoo like I did mine.

So I can tell you that top surgery has made my life better and I’m glad I got it and I don’t think that there would have been any way for me to be as happy as I am now if I had not gotten it. Top surgery is life saving and life-changing for some people, and I am one of those people. I might be more inclined to tell people that if you think you need surgery you should get it because my surgery went so well and because I’m still identifying as genderqueer, transmasculine, and non-binary, just like I was when I was 15, so my identity is pretty static there.

Some other post-op people may tell you that they regret their surgery, that they wish they hadn’t done it, and they would make a different decision if they could go back in time. They might want to help warn other people to not make the same mistake that they did. Detransitioned folks often (but not always) have a different perspective than folks who persisted in being transgender and that’s okay- it isn’t a better perspective or a worse one, just a different one. But both trans and reidentified people can feel this way, even though it’s usually more common for de-trans folks to regret surgical procedures that it is for trans folks.

I semi-rushed into surgery for both emotional and logistical reasons but I knew it was right for me. But that isn’t the best choice for everyone and if you aren’t 100% sure that it is what you want and need then there’s nothing wrong with having the consultation with the surgeon to learn more and then thinking things over before you schedule a surgery date (or don’t), you don’t need to immediately schedule a surgery date after the consult. Think of it as an interview and as an information gathering session.

Neither of us can tell you what you should do because neither of us are “right” or “wrong” about top surgery. It’s just a different experience and a different perspective. We all have biases based on our own way of seeing things, and that can inform our advice.

If you know what the risks are, and you’ve given it careful thought and can provide an informed consent, then whether you should get surgery is your decision. I won’t tell you “go get it!” or “don’t go get it!” and I don’t think that any blogger should be telling anons what medical procedures to get or not get.

Worrying that you’re faking it, that you don’t know who you are, and worrying about regret is something that can be pretty scary and frustrating, but you don’t need to figure it out on your own, and it’s okay to take a little longer to come to a decision and talk it over with a therapist if you think it’s necessary to help you cope with that anxiety.

But yeah, I believe that ultimately you have to trust your gut feelings on what you know to be right for you.

Top surgery 101 links

Finding a therapist

Side note: While we do our best to avoid reblogs from obvious TERFs/truscum/transphobes/racists/sexists/ableists/etc to avoid exposing people to triggering content by boosting the blog’s visibility, and we do appreciate getting heads up asks about reblogs from a problematic OP, if we reblog a post from someone we do not necessarily endorse all of the content in every post they’ve made, and we don’t necessarily agree with all of the blogger’s opinions either. We reblog a specific post if we think seeing that post might be helpful for some of our followers.

#Lee says #top surgery #detransition #regret #surgery #nipple m #breast m #detrans #trans #nonbinary #Anonymous

119 notes · View notes

storiesforallfandoms · 4 years

Text

recruit ~ eric coulter;divergent

word count: 2602

request?: yes!

“Yay in so happy you'll do divergent pics! I've fallen down mainly an Eric x reader hole. Could you do something cute and fluffy with Eric pleaseee. He may be a jerk but I love him so much “

description: the newest member of the dauntless faction finds herself drawn to her brutal trainer

pairing: eric coulter x female!reader

warnings: swearing, slight mentions of a toxic home life

masterlist

The wind whipped around me, tangling my bright yellow dress around me. My heart jumped to my throat as I expected to land on the cold, hard ground. I was starting to regret my choice. Even if the aptitude test said I was Dauntless, I should’ve stayed in Amity. Being here, they were going to kill me!

I almost let out a cry of relief when I felt a net underneath me, catching me from falling further down the what looked like bottomless abyss. I crawled to the edge of the net, my whole body still shaking. The initiates trainer waiting for me was full of tattoos, had his hair shaved on the sides, and had a piercing through his eyebrow. He looked like the poster child for Dauntless, and if he didn’t look so young, I would think he was the Dauntless leader.

He eyed my clothes with a raised eyebrow. “Did you fall into the wrong faction?”

I shook my head. “No, I chose Dauntless.”

“An Amity choosing to be Dauntless? Interesting,” he noted. “What’s your name, Pansycake.”

I winced at the Dauntless nickname for Amity before responding, “(Y/N).”

“Even sounds like an Amity name,” he muttered before turning to the rest of the initiates who had already jumped and announced, “Our next jumper, (Y/N)!”

He roughly pulled me from the net just in time for another initiate to come flying down from the building. Once all the initiates had jumped, we followed our trainers into the Dauntless city. I marvelled at the place, I had never seen where the Dauntless lived before. Not even in pictures really. Understandably so, Dauntless and Amity weren't exactly the closest of factions.

“Dauntless initiates, you’ll follow Lauren. New initiates will come with me,” the trainer who had caught us said. “We won’t start your training tonight, but we’ll get you settled away and show you around.”

The initiates broke in half and the newbies followed our leader around the city. I took this moment to look around and take in my fellow new Dauntless members. There was a number of blue bodies (the Erudite), few black and white (the Candor), but of course no grey (the Abnegation) and only one yellow, me.

We were finally led to the room where the initiates would be staying. Our leader turned to us before allowing us to enter.

“Before you really get into this,” he started, “I have to warn you that the Dauntless training is not an easy task. Just because you’re new to the faction doesn’t mean we’ll be taking it easy on you. We’ll be training you just as hard as we train our Dauntless initiates. If you don’t measure up, if you step out of line, if you refuse to keep going after we’ve told you to, you’re out. No ifs, ands, or buts. If we don’t think you’re cut out to be Dauntless, you’re done. If anyone wants to leave now, we recommend you do so you don’t waste our time.”

I pretended not to see the eyes darting towards me before quickly looking away. Instead, I held the trainer’s eye contact. He was definitely being less subtle about thinking I was going to fail, but the joke was on him. His doubt in me was only going to push me more, to make me want to pass and become a full Dauntless member. I wasn’t going to fail, not if I had anything to do with it.

When no one stepped away or responded, he spoke again, “Good. Now, go rest. We start right after breakfast tomorrow morning. You’re all gonna want to be well rested and ready to go.”

~~~~~~

Despite how hard I tried, I just couldn’t sleep. I was staring at the ceiling for hours, listening to my fellow initiates sleeping heavily around me. I couldn’t stop thinking of the day before, when I chose Dauntless. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see my parents faces. Part of me wished I’d open them again and it would just be the day before the ceremony, and all of this would be some sort of nightmare, but of course that didn’t happen.

I gave up trying to sleep. I silently pulled myself up out of the bed and slipped on the jet black Dauntless clothes that were provided for us. They were a little tight, but it seemed like that was the Dauntless way, too.

I silently creeped out of the room, making sure I didn’t wake any of the other initiates, or that none of them got up to follow me. The last thing I needed was some Candor or Erudite trying to prove themselves early by attacking the Amity. I had heard stories like that before.

I walked to the chasm that we had been shown on our tour of the Dauntless city. Although I could hear the water crashing down below, it still felt like yet another bottomless abyss. Looking down into it made me feel dizzy, but I swallowed my fear and sat myself up on the railing around it. I wasn’t going to pass the initiation if I backed away from my fears now.

“What are you doing up, Pansycake?”

I turned to see the trainer from earlier approaching me. Instead of shying away at the nickname, I scowled at him.

“You can’t call me that,” I said. “I’m Dauntless now, like you.”

“Technically you’re not. You haven’t passed initiation yet. You could be factionless by this time tomorrow.”

I scoffed. “I’m sure you’d like that, but I won’t be. I intend on passing the initiation, with flying colours if that's possible.”

“Watch it, you’re starting to sound Erudite.”

He pulled himself up onto the railing next to me with ease. He sat so close I could almost feel the warmth from his skin. I tried to repress the shiver that was coming up my spine.

“Why aren’t you in bed?” he tried again.

I shrugged. “Just couldn’t sleep. I figured getting to know my possible new home would be better than laying in bed all night. Besides, maybe the fresh air will knock me out.”

“Or the fear of the Chasm will.”

I was trying my best to avoid looking down into the Chasm, but as he mentioned it I couldn’t help but letting my eyes flicker down. Sitting on the railing, I could finally see the bottom, and I could see that it was full of sharp rocks. I felt my stomach lurch and my head begin to spin, but I couldn’t prove weakness now. I simply looked back up at him.

“It’s not that scary,” I said, hoping my voice sounded as even as I wanted it to.

He snorted. “You’re really trying, Pansycake, aren’t you?”

“Stop calling me that,” I hissed. “Even if I fail the initiation, I won’t be Amity anymore. I’ll be factionless, which means that no matter what, I am not Amity, which means I am not a Pansycake.”

He put his hands up in surrender. “Okay, geez. Calm down kid, I’m just trying to have some fun with you. We’ve never had an Amity initiate before, this is all new to us.”

“I’m not a kid,” I huffed. “Not to you anyways, you look like you’re close to my age.”

“I’m 18,” he said. “But I’m still your superior, which means you’re still a kid in my eyes.”

I sighed, frustrated, and rolled my eyes. I was getting sick of this guy. And now I had to train under him? It was going to be a brutal few weeks.

“So, what did your people think when you chose Dauntless?” he asked. “I can’t imagine the peaceful being angry like ever, but I also can’t see them being too happy that one of their own chose violence over peace.”

I looked down into the Chasm, the nauseous feeling starting to subside. Falling down this Chasm would’ve been much easier than having to relive the day before, where I betrayed my parents and my faction by choosing Dauntless over Amity.

“It’s not like no one has ever chosen to leave Amity,” I responded. “It’s just...a lot of them tend to go to Abnegation or Candor. Selflessness is seen as the closest thing to peacefulness, and the Amity also value truth over everything else. I went into my test thinking I’d come out as one of those. I always followed by what my parents taught me, what the faction taught all of us. I thought it was simple that I would get one of those three factions.”

“But you didn’t.” His voice was no longer harsh and teasing. It was light, almost understanding. I wondered if my brutal initiation trainer was a born Dauntless.

“When the test ended, the woman who administered it to me was shocked. She was also Amity, a family friend, actually. She kept looking over the results, muttering to herself that they must be wrong. Of course, to me, worst case scenario was I didn’t test for any faction. That I was some freak who would never fit into any of the factions, that I was meant to just be factionless for life. But when I asked her what my results were, she looked at me and said, ‘Dauntless’.”

He let out a bark of laughter. “Really? She was panicking because you were Dauntless?”

“The Amity seem to think that if one of their own is tested as Dauntless, then they somehow taught that person wrong. I’m sure you can vouch for the fact that there are very few Amity born Dauntless. I mean, I’m the only initiate from Amity here. It’s as rare as an Abnegation testing for Dauntless. Of course, me being the first one in who knows how long, it was a big deal. I didn’t tell my parents, I begged her not to, either. She struggled with the decision, but said she wouldn’t as she isn’t allowed to anyways.”

“So they found out at the ceremony.”

I nodded. “I kept saying I couldn’t tell them what my results were, and that they’d know by the time I chose. They were so excited that they had themselves convinced I had gotten Amity. Or maybe they were just nervous about losing their only child that they had to convince themselves that they wouldn’t. When I dropped my blood onto the Dauntless coals...I swear, I could hear my parents hearts break.”

Well, I could hear my mother’s anyways. My father...I could already hear the angry yelling. I was glad I had been whisked away before they had the chance to really say anything to me.

“What was their reactions?” he asked. I was so lost in thought I had forgotten he was there for a moment.

“Mom is a born Amity, so she understood. She cried a lot and hugged me so tightly it felt like she was crushing every bone in my body, but she understood that if I tested for Dauntless, that I should choose Dauntless...my father on the other hand...he didn’t even hug me goodbye. His face was so red with anger, I was sure if I was there another moment he would’ve yelled at me.”

“That doesn’t sound very peaceful of him.”

I looked down at my lap. Did I tell this complete stranger, that had done nothing but taunt me since I got here, the biggest secret of my family? What exactly could he do? It wasn’t illegal what my father did, just wrong. The worst that could happen, maybe he became factionless. Maybe that’s what he deserved.

“My father isn’t a born Amity,” I revealed. “He didn’t even test for Amity. He’s from Dauntless, tested for Dauntless, but chose Amity.”

He looked at me with wide eyes, disbelief written all over his face. “What? Why would he...no one ever does that. Especially not a born and tested Dauntless. They’d choose Erudite, maybe even Abnegation before Amity.”

“Apparently he was just in love with my mom,” I responded. “They met in school, they were the same age. The day they got tested, they met up with one another in private to discuss the results. When they found out they had been tested for their own factions, they were both disappointed thinking they’d never see each other again. The day of their choosing ceremony, my dad chose Amity to be with my mom. He’s good at pretending to be peaceful in public but...when he was angry...he was angry. He always took it out on me and mom, but because mom is a born Amity she doesn’t do anything about it to keep the peace. I feel so terrible for having to leave her behind, but I had to get away from him.”

“You chose faction over blood, as you’re meant to,” he said. “At least you’re out of there.”

I didn’t realize I had been crying until he touched my face. I jerked away at first, until I realized he was using this thumb to wipe the tears from my eyes. I was happy to be away from my father, but I hated having to leave my mother. I wished nothing more than to go back and get her, to somehow sneak her into Dauntless, but I knew this wasn’t the place for her. She loved Amity, and, despite how he was, she loved my father. She was so caring, so selfless - a true Amity.

“You’re pretty tough for an Amity girl,” he told me. “Standing up against your father by choosing the faction you tested for over the one he probably threatened you to stay in. That takes guts.”

I scoffed through my tears. “More like cowardice. I was looking for a way out, not looking to stay true to what I tested for.”

“But getting away from that scenario is tough, whether you want to believe it or not. You got guts, kid. I think you’ll make it here.”

I smiled and wiped my face dry using the sleeves of my shirt. “My name is (Y/N). You can call me that, you know. We’ll be equals once I pass the initiation.”

He laughed. “And there’s the cocky attitude. You’ll definitely be a great Dauntless. Since you’re so hellbent on being equals, you can call me Eric, but only in private. Don’t want the other initiates knowing we’ve gotten close or else they may think I’m playing favourites.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You think we’re close?”

“I think I’d like to get close.”

My face heated up at his words and I had to look away. I was grateful for the gust of wind that blew at that moment, cooling me down.

“I’d like that, too,” I decided. I put a hand over my mouth to stifle the yawn that came suddenly.

“Tired now?” I sheepishly nodded. Eric jumped off of the railing and offered me a hand. He helped me down, making sure I was safe on the ground before letting me go. “We have training after breakfast tomorrow. Come find me in the dining room, I’ll be sat with the other trainers and the Dauntless initiates. You’ll be seen as pretty daring sitting with us.”

I smiled and nodded, stifling another yawn as I did so. Eric laughed and wished me a goodnight before heading back towards his own home. I watched him go for some time before I excitedly hurried back to the initiate room, but trying not to make the excitement seem so obvious. Maybe I would like being a Dauntless after all.

#eric coulter #eric coulter imagine #eric coulter x reader #jai courtney #jai Courtney imagine #jai Courtney x reader #divergent #dauntless #divergent imagine #one shot #imagine #request

847 notes · View notes

strazem · 3 years

Text

I noticed that I’ve been getting blocked by a lot of Ososan artists lately and... At this point I’m sure it’s because of bad rumors and misinfo getting spread about me in discord servers. I’m going to put a lot of this under a readmore because I don’t want to clog people’s dashes with this, but I really want to clear the air here as I feel like there are a lot of things being left out of the narratives people are telling about me, and also the fact this is still happening and has been for four-five years, isolating me from a lot of the ososan community and hurting me in a very deep way...

Now, first off, I’m not here to say that over the past 4-5 years I wasn’t immature and childish. There were many times where I was, even to the point the behaviors could be seen as abusive or toxic even if that wasn’t the intention. I was in my early to mid 20s and had serious issues with oversharing my thoughts and feelings with people I really only knew casually, usually to the point of making them uncomfortable. I would also use all caps a lot, not really realizing the effect it had on people, making others feel like they were being shouted at. I would also act immaturely when I saw that other roleplay blogs were getting more attention than mine, even though the ones I had were for OCs, which meant that of course canon characters would get more traction.

Again, I was very young and not very socially developed. I am by no means trying to use my autism as an excuse, but rather an explanation.

Prior to getting into Ososan around 2016, I did not have any “real life” friends, that is, friends I knew in person. I did not know anyone my age and socializing was, and still is pretty limited to just my immediate family. Almost all of my interactions were online, and even that I struggled with. I had recently gotten out of an abusive relationship as well, and was just starting college. I did not think about how others felt enough and was too concerned with saying my piece and sharing my own opinions, making everything about me or about how I felt, and less about the other person. Again, this is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life as part of my ASD, but I’m still not excusing it by any means, especially considering the fact that other people ended up hurt.

I think the main issue was how immature and self-focused I was if I’m being honest, and how I would tend to make everything about me and how I felt and what I made.

My intentions were always good, that never changed. But as people have stated to me before, good intentions don’t mean anything if the outcome is bad. My immaturity really ended up hurting a lot of other people’s feelings and causing a lot of resentment, and I am by no means saying that anyone has to forgive me or be “ok” with me.

What I do wish though is that perhaps people who I have had struggles with in the past could refrain from spreading biased opinions of me to people who have never even met me. I understand wanting to support your friends, and I also understand that when someone you know tells you someone is “bad news”, it’s natural to take their word for it, especially if they only show screenshots of me at my lowest rather than when I was trying my absolute best to be a good friend, despite my immaturity.

However, I’ll be honest and say that I do think that this behavior in general seems counterproductive and perhaps even concerning... If there’s someone that upset me in my past, I don’t tell others or divulge about them to new people I meet unless I felt they did something actually illegal. I remember misinforming about someone in the ososan community based on false claims and I still feel guilty about it to this day, so I’ve also been guilty of this in the past. It’s also important to keep in mind that if someone is really making someone out to sound terrible or horrible that there is usually a bias clouding their perception. I've sat and reflected a lot on my own biases these past five years in therapy, and at the end of the day, I don’t think most people have bad intentions, at least not lonely kids in a small fandom. I think it’s a lot of miscommunication, lack of confrontation, and fear rather than any malicious intent.

Because if there’s one thing I know that I’m not, it’s a manipulator. I straight up do not have the social intelligence for that. I would all caps, I would get upset and leave chats and worry people, I would go on rants that people couldn’t talk me down from, or get too emotionally volatile, or put my own emotional issues onto other people by panicking and venting and putting on a scary and upsetting scene, but I never tried to manipulate anyone or turn anyone’s friends against them. The only two instances I can think of that even come close to me “warning” anyone about someone (and not for blm*tsu related reasons) happened in 2018 and 2019, well after all of this was (I assumed) done with.

Most of my issues that people have gotten upset with me for was regarding my social immaturity, self-centeredness, altercations, public panic attacks, public mental breakdowns and a tendency to go off on emotional and heated rants, especially in public areas and in public chats. That’s why this thing about me being a manipulator seems misinformed to me, because I’ve never been great at DMing or talking to others one on one, I think anyone that’s known me will agree. Many of these altercations happened in public group chats.

I’m assuming that many of the bad rumors being spread about me are regarding my skype days back in 2016-2017, back before discord became the new norm for online chatting and servers and such, as well as a very specific “drama” that happened on anti-bl oso-twitter concerning people that had met in an osomatsu-san kin discord server (which I was not in or even knew about).

Essentially, I befriended some of these people on twitter through people that had been in my second skype roleplay group (the first one I made was in 2016 I believe). I was unaware of any previous dramas or issues and was even unaware that said “person of interest” was even upset with me or thought I was toxic or bad. I had figured we had just stopped talking due to naturally drifting apart. Of course, in my young and naive mind, before understanding “social media etiquette” I went to go ask them why they had blocked me on twitter (I had started being active on twitter during that time.)

And of course, in my immaturity, was freaking out and panicking about having been blocked by someone I thought was a friend to people in my second roleplay group chat... As always... Ugh.. It wasn’t anything malicious though, just confusion and me being scared I had done something wrong.

One member in the roleplay group though, who I guess was a member of the osomatsu-san kin discord, started going off about said “person of interest”, claiming they had gotten their friend into a car accident and that they had groomed minors. Another person in the roleplay group felt the allegations were crazy and unfounded and left. Meanwhile, I was just lost as to what was even happening, I wasn’t aware these people were this connected or knew each other and admittedly, did a pretty poor job as a mod/admin that I didn’t stop the discussions sooner.

I have no idea if the claims were true or not, I imagine they were exaggerated due to bias, I have no idea, but then the same person who had made those claims showed me screenshots that “person of interest” sent to their mutual friend about me. How I was scary and toxic, that I had upset lots of people.. That they were panicking that I even contacted them on tumblr with a friendly “hello!”

Naturally, I responded with confusion. Again, my autism makes it very difficult for me to realize when people are upset or frustrated with me, especially over text. At the time, I couldn’t think of anything I had done to upset them and was very hurt and confused, as our last actual interaction had been seemingly positive.

I did not try to turn anyone against them though. Here’s what actually happened: After being given this info, I also learned that there was a small discord group of the friend group that the person making the claims was from. I joined it hoping to learn more or get some sort of clarification only to find out that this entire group was very upset with “person of interest”. Like very upset. They made claims that this person lied, that this person liked to play victim as a way to manipulate others, that they had groomed two of the people in the group, that they had said unsettling things, that they would do strange and backhanded things ect. Again, I don’t know if these statements are true and I’m not trying to claim they are, I just know that this group of friends had been very upset with "person of interest” before I had even come into the picture. They were already planning on cutting them off!

I did not sway anyone or say anything, I was literally just there in the hopes of finding out if I’d done something wrong.

Of course, this doesn’t at all excuse when I was still friends with “person of interest” and subjected them to my barrage of emotional baggage and panic attacks. I just want to make it clear that I never sent anyone after them or tried to turn their friends against them. In fact, I even tried to help them when they came to my twitter DMs asking me for help. I was already incredibly scared of pissing anyone off in general, and tried to keep things peaceful on both sides. When I asked the second roleplay group if they’d be okay with them rejoining, it was a unanimous “no”... I distinctly remember offering to still roleplay with them one on one and to make a new group that they could be in (and this was even after I had been shown the screenshots of them calling me toxic, which I still wasn’t holding against them!), but the offer was turned down.

I’ve noticed this very distinct pattern over the years of me running into a lot of issues due to miscommunication as well. It was very rare that people would express with me how they were feeling, or when they did, it was usually during one of my panic attacks, which were often bad enough that my brain would repress the memories of what happened during them the second they stopped, and it was rare that I would actually go back and read the things I said. People have had a very easy time going to others and complaining or venting about me to friends, but have had a very hard time actually telling me these complaints themselves, as themselves. I don’t really blame them, as we were all pretty young and given how much I freaked out publicly, it would make sense to be scared of how I might react. Not to mention there were probably things in their own pasts that made something like confrontation difficult. However, what I don’t understand is why this would still be happening five years later... I would assume by this point people would have moved on, especially regarding spats within fandoms.

I hold no ill will towards people in my past who’ve gotten upset with me, I do not hold grudges, and for the most part, if someone wants to cut contact with me, I just accept it and move on. But now that I’m noticing that these false claims are being spread around to other people in the fandom, people who weren’t even involved in these situations, blocking me based off of... Stuff they’ve heard about me... I felt a need to say something.

Honestly, my biggest wish or hope is that, given that it has been five or so years, that people who have never spoken to me or met me before maybe give me another chance? If I have personally hurt you, I don’t want you to feel the need to reach some sort of conclusion with me, or forgive me, or whatever...

But at the very least, perhaps people could be more careful when sharing personal issues we went through with other people, people who know very little about me and who I am and only know me through the lenses and narratives of people who felt slighted by me.

I have changed immensely over the past five years, more than I can even describe. I am not the same person mentally that I was, I have had therapy, I have had help, I have reflected, I have become more sensitive to other people’s thoughts and feelings. I even managed to help a friend of mine get therapy! I was not perfect, I behaved irrationally, but I do think it’s important to drive home the fact that it has been a few years and that I’ve made a lot of progress and that as I’m nearing 30, I have mentally matured quite a bit.

Again, no one from my past has to forgive me, I am not here to dictate how people should feel about me. I am just here to try to share my own side seeing as how I am unable to join most ososan servers and communities nowadays, and thus have a harder time being able to get in contact with or reach others.

I’ve been dying to say something, but kept worrying that it would stir up negative feelings or memories for others, but it’s getting to a point now where I’ve felt so isolated and hated by the fandom for five whole years that I’ve actually started having thoughts of self-harm again for the first time in awhile. I’m not saying this to make anyone feel guilty, and I haven’t acted on the thoughts, I just need to be honest.

This sort of behavior on the internet; gossiping about others, spreading misinformation about others, using a position of influence within a fandom to keep someone from making friends in fandom spaces... Or maybe people don’t even realize how much their words can affect others? Especially if they’re well-liked and exist in a lot of spaces. I’m sure there are no actual bad intentions when people say these things or vent to their friends.

And while I explained that one specific incident in detail that was with a specific person, it is not the only issue I’ve gotten myself into over the years either. I simply spoke about that one as I am just guessing it’s the big reason a lot of this is still going on to this day. I behaved poorly enough in the past that separate groups of people have ended up mad at me, regardless of even knowing each other. I was incredibly troubled, dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship, overworked with my animation assignments, and incredibly clueless in social situations or trying to relate to others. Again, these aren’t excuses... But explanations. Mentally ill people are not well, that’s why it’s an illness. In 2016-2017, I was at the lowest of my low, and continued to be until around the Fall of 2019. I have also matured significantly since, and have been working with a far more effective therapist as of late 2018, which I think is why I had such a positive change by 2019, as well as finding wonderful and supportive friends who truly care about me.

I know this is getting really long, too long honestly, but I really needed to get this off my chest...

I’m trying to decide whether or not this will be one of my final posts on tumblr as a whole, as I don’t think I will be able to participate in enjoying ososan publicly with how isolated I’ve been over the years by various groups and people; I think by this point the reputation is too soured for me to be a part of the community. Again, probably not out of malice, but fear and resentment at how I’ve acted.

The fact that I’m seeing more than a few people in ososan fandom I’ve never really spoken to, or people I was mutuals with blocking me is enough I think for me to consider calling it quits for public enjoyment. The fandom is already very small, and the anti-bl side is even smaller, so everyone is pretty interconnected and rumors can spread very easily. There’s no way I can compete with that, especially if I’m barred from most servers anyways.

I’m still going to mull it over, but again, if you’ve never met me, or if you’ve only seen screenshots of me from 2016 while panicking or allcapsing or at my worst... All I can really do is hope that maybe you’ll be able to see past these things and consider giving me a chance.

As for the people I genuinely did hurt, I know I’ve said sorry many times now, even on my old blog Nutastic which I abandoned for similar reasons, but I don’t know how else or how better to prove how genuinely sorry I am... Because the proof of regret is in changing and becoming a better person, and there’s not much chance to see if I have or haven’t if I’ve been cut off.

No one has to forgive me, but perhaps at least entertain the idea I might’ve changed over the course of five years, and that telling people how I was back then instead of who I am now seems a bit unfair. Again, I suppose I dug my own grave by behaving like that in the first place, but I always try to show empathy even to people who wronged me at a low place in their lives, unless they were incredibly abusive and cruel.

At the end of the day, we’re all just people trying to enjoy a show about wacky sextuplets, and I don’t think anyone actually has any ill-will in their hearts, or has it in them to be “bad”, specifically on the anti-bl side. I don’t hold grudges, there’s no one that I currently have blocked unless they are a bl or a man that made me uncomfortable. My DMs are always open, as is my askbox.

Feel free to ask me anything or confront me about anything, though admittedly, doing so through anon makes it hard for me to reply as I don’t want to post anything potentially upsetting publicly.

And I will try to come to a decision about whether or not to pull a Jenna Marbles and leave social media for good out of regret and declining mental health. I will most likely make a post about it when I’m feeling more capable.

Thank you so much for reading, and I hope your year is going good so far despite... Well, everything

#//VERY LONG #//important

38 notes · View notes

amazingmsme · 3 years

Note

For the horror ask thing, 3 and 20!

3. you're planning a horror movie marathon with your friends - which movies are you picking? The original Halloween & Nightmare on Elm Street first of all, those are my top faves. Room 1408, A Quiet Place, The Amityville Horror but the one with Ryan Reynolds, Delirium, Silence of the Lambs, What Lies Beneath, Bad Times at the El Royale, Kiss the Girls & probably a lot more that I can’t think of right now, but horror is like my favorite genre of film & I tend to prefer paranormal & psychological stories as well as more realistic ones like people being kidnapped or escaping a killer. Midsommar & The House that Jack Built are also fantastic films but both get extremely fucked up & graphic so I’d have to check with whoever I’m watching with. The Conjuring movies are all great & id probably have a marathon just for them

20. do you have any personal scary stories? something that happened to you or somebody close to you? I have way too many, you’d think being the only people who ever lived in this house would mean no ghosts, but you’d be wrong. But I’ll give some highlights:

-1 time when I was trying to leave my room as a kid, some orange nail polish shot out directly in front of my face & hit the wall before sliding down to the floor. With how fast it was going it 100% should’ve broke but it kind of stayed there for a second before falling down

-my sister heard & felt someone whisper in her ear that was pressed against her pillow

-I saw a tall man in my closet watching me dance in my room, this was around the time I was in middle school. To this day I’m still paranoid that I’ll see him if I go dance in there

-one time as a kid it was freezing outside but I still wanted to go out & play. My grandma was watching me while my mom took my sister to the doctor & I was playing out of sight from any window. My old dog Gabby was super protective & barked at everything, & out of nowhere this young woman appears, I’d say mid to late teens. For reference I was wearing 2 pairs of pants, a long sleeve shirt, a puffy jacket & a hat & gloves. This girl was wearing short shorts, a spaghetti strap tank top & was barefoot with no visible signs that she was cold. I was just frozen staring at her & she looked at me. I think she might’ve said she liked my dog but I can’t really remember. I looked over at Gabby & back at her & she was gone

-a few years ago when I stepped out of the shower, 3 full fingers were pressed into the steam on the mirror, but what’s really odd is that there was no palm mark. Of course I took a picture

-we have a tiny porcelain doll that’s haunted & I’m positive that’s where the little girl came from. She’s chilled out over the years but it used to be every time you talked about it, something would happen about 30 minutes after. Like our drapes would fly open, the tv would turn on, we heard a ringing that wasn’t our doorbell, weird shit like that. The guys my mom used to baby sit were terrified of her

-when I was like 3 I was staring at the cabinet she’s kept in & my mom asked what I was doing. She said I had this strange determined & stern look on my face & said “she needs to be standing up.” I was never a stubborn kid but I was adamant about it. After that the activity lessened by a lot

-also regarding the doll, my sister took some pictures of her on the first step in our pool for her photography class but no matter what, the teacher couldn’t open the files for the doll pictures. She could get the other ones but her computer would act very weird when she tried to see those specific ones

-everyone in my family has seen the little girl & even 1 of my sister’s friends saw her go to my room. I think only my sister & I have seen the man tho & he usually appears as a dark shadow, tho when he was in my closet I could see more detail like clothes, but his facial features were in shadow

-the girl looks like your basic horror movie child ghost, like I’m not shitting you. She’s got long dark hair & wears a white dress & whenever I see her the dress is usually the first thing I notice

-2 years ago my sister & I were at our house while my parents when you a high school reunion. We were chilling out by the pool when the chair sitting next to me scooted away from the table. I saw it happen & it freaked me out & my sister heard it & we were both scared. Idk why but I always just assumed they’d never go outside & so shit like that

-random objects can go missing & then appear right before your eyes, but not before you turn the house upside down first. I think they enjoy seeing us frustrated & it ticks me off

-we will hear people talking sometimes but you can’t really make out what they’re saying. If it’s more than 1 voice then it’s always a guy & girl’s voices

-I get touched by them the most out of my family & I fucking hate it. Get your fake dead hands OFF my body I do not like you. I’ve been touched in my house & a few times when I was hospitalized, & once this year at a guest house on vacation. The weird thing about the times in the hospital were that they all happened on the left side of my body. Hands down the worst part of it is when I can feel the size of the hands so I know if it’s a child or adult. & for some reason, ghosts like to touch you 1 finger at a time, 0/10 would recommend

-in my dad’s old house he said he could feel someone sitting on his bed with him & could even see the indention. He said he thought it was his Papaw. But when we go there I almost always get an unsettling vibe

-I made sure to save the best for last! This is my worst/scariest experience & I really hope my cousin doesn’t see this because it happened when they were here. But the younger one was in my room already asleep so I was just chilling on my phone in the dark. My phone illuminated the room just enough so I could see a few feet around me & I saw the girl at the foot of my bed. She had on that stupid white dress & her dark hair hung over her shoulders & hid her face. Then she grabbed the footboard & acted like she was about to fucking crawl up so I noped the fuck out & turned off my phone & proceeded to hide under the covers. Then I just… went to sleep? I mean I’ve been used to that shit all my life but I have no idea how I slept after that. I knew that if I got my mom then it would wake up my cousin & she’d know that something weird was up so I just ignored it the best I could. But you bet your ass I told Mom the next day

Like I said, I have a lot of stories & there’s still more I could share, but most stuff is pretty insignificant & I forget what exactly happened, but stuff does happen. Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of shadows & I really hope that there’s nothing in my new apartment. But yeah, sorry this got so long!

#asks #horror asks #ask meme #ticklishfanart #horror stories #ghost stories #ghosts #scary stuff #scary movies

6 notes · View notes

trunkzbriefs · 4 years

Note

Any Son and/or Briefs family headcanons? Spicy hot takes? Truths Toriyama and Toyotaro themselves can not handle? Straight up lies?

GODDAMN SORRY this took a while cause i suck at putting thoughts together. i apologize for my obvious briefs bias i have more hcs for them than the son family despite loving them both :pensive: anyway heres some random stuff

briefs hcs:

all of the briefs are pros at non-verbal communication. i hc that saiyans have their own language (and also in my own Mind Canon they still have their fuckin tails) and a lot of it is done through tail movement/body posture/grunts/etc. etc so theyve all sort of picked that up. even bulma, who doesnt have a tail, is pretty good at getting across what she means without actually speaking. they still do speak normally but it comes in handy sometimes considering that both trunks and vegeta are prone to running out of speaking energy or getting very frustrated with words, so having another way to communicate works very well for them

vegeta is fffffffffffffffffffurry. without getting too deep into my own General Saiyan hcs (thats why i made a whole ass four subspecies!!) i think that the entirety of planet vegeta tended to be very hot aside from the part where the castle was, where the temperature would drop. meaning that saiyans working in the palace would grow thicker fur around certain parts of their body, and in the royal saiyans theyd be Especially fluffy. he kept it down on earth, but he has thick patches of fur around the bottom parts of his arms and legs. kind of like snowy boots and gloves! he also has fur that grows in on his neck like a lions mane.

future trunks is an actions sponge, vegeta is a words sponge. vegeta will pick up words VERY quickly regardless if he fully understands the meaning of it or not (completely inspired by 'THATS RIGHT BOYS... MONDO COOL' in z) and future trunks will unintentionally mimic the actions of people - around people he looks up to he might take a few small mannerisms from but this extends to copying the disposition of anyone; he's just very adaptive. this is the most obvious (and funniest) when he's around vegeta bc it really shows like. yeah damn that sure is vegeta's son

vegeta & bulla have an intimidating bastard smirk naturally. their natural smiles are pretty frightening and they have to put effort into a 'normal' one. this also extends to current trunks, his default smile is the Vegeta Bastard Smirk but he learned to have a normal smile quicker than his father and sister. future trunks has a slightly unnerving natural smile (the fact that his pupils are always drawn so fucking small makes me hc that he just has a very intimidating look of 'cat thats about to pounce on an unfortunate trapped mouse' whenever he smiles) but he learned to look normal even quicker than current trunks since he's around humans a Lot and is sort of their uh, Hope. don't want to look scary to the people who depend on you!

bulma has some fighting knowledge and mildly good ki control. vegeta taught her it as a just in case so that she'd be able to defend herself against Bigger threats if he wasn't there and also so she could raise her own ki to alert someone to her if she had to.

vegeta is extremely clean and can not stand to have things disorganized for more than like... an hour before he has to tidy everything up. every time he goes down to the lab and bulma is passed out in a pile of bolts and circuit boards it kills him inside just a little bit

future trunks has little concept of power control. since his timeline was always in danger it wasn't really an important thing for him to learn. the amount of mugs he's accidentally crushed is impressive

vegeta tends to not sound like he's asking questions when he is. he doesn't add the proper infliction to the end of his questions and just sounds flat most of the time. it's confusing to people who dont know him well.

im not even gonna lie, im a BIG fan of the chill demon panchy headcanon so i love the idea that the briefs have a Lil bit of demon in them but just dont know it ghjnkm

[banging my fists on the 'hcs that not even got could take away from me' table] future trunks has OCD

vegeta doesn't really get labels but he's bisexual & "debatably a man", bulma is bisexal & bigender transfem (sometimes shes Wamen and other times its like "gender? no"), bulla is a nonbinary lesbian, current trunks is a bisexual trans man & future bulma forgot to explain the concept of gender and sexuality to future trunks so he's a little confused on that front and his gender & sexuality are "i have literally never thought abt these concepts in my life but i think men are nice. i refuse to think about gender though" (i actually have two main hcs for future trunks which are either gay trans man or more-feminine-presenting nonbinary bisexual)

son hcs:

goku is Not as fluffy as vegeta at all, but he does have fur on certain parts of his body. namely on the back of his elbows + ankles, down his back connecting to his tail, and on his shoulders. its inherented from gine!

gohan is learning saiyan language from vegeta! vegeta acts grumpy about it but he's glad to have someone to teach. when gohan learned that most of the history had been lost he basically wished shenron for a big ol book on saiyan culture and gave it to vegeta just as an act of kindness and vegeta was like [in an angry voice but very touched] "Ok. Sit down. You're learning." by extension gohan is also teaching the rest of his family!

i will take ox king being actually non-human to my grave so like, chichi has horns and a very short ox tail! gohan and goten both have horns, but they're hidden by hair. goten's horns are bigger than gohans.

goten also has a more ox-like tail, with a little puff of fur at the end. generally, gohan looks more saiyan-like and goten looks more ox/human-like.

although he keeps up his cheery demeanor very well, goku is still haunted pretty badly by like... everything that’s happened in his life. he still has frequent nightmares about cell & buu specifically.

gohan will freak out at worse, zone out at best, if he's even tapped on the neck. it reminds him of the whole 'getting his neck snapped on namek' so that area is pretty off limits to everyone

goten gets along really well with android 17. they both have a love for nature and 17s kind of like his chill uncle, so whenever he gets too stressed out or just needs a break you can find him face down on the ground outside of 17's place on monster island.

goku is really really good at remembering completely random shit. bulma uses this to her advantage whenever she's working and has him memorize random technology stuff. a week later goku can not remember what he had for breakfast that morning but as soon as bulma asks "hey do you remember what i told you last week" hes like "oh yeah sure i have no idea what it means but [blurts out three hours worth of technical garble]"

oh boy is this a headcanon that has a lot more depth to it than just a bullet on a tumblr post, but gohan has DID!

goku, like vegeta, doesnt get labels either, and does not even Try, ask him about any of it and hes like "i dont get the gender thing but i think lots of people look nice :)" gohan is gay and like vegeta, "debatably a man", goten + chichi are both bi nonbinary, & pan is a lesbian trans woman.

both:

bulla and pan are both into music! i think theyd mess around making their own stuff w/ launchpads

i have a general hc of ki mixing or shielding, essentially, if youre close enough to someone people wont be able to tell apart your ki and you can also 'shield' someone with your ki for a small amount of time. if vegeta has his energy low, his and bulma's energy are the same. same thing with goku and chichi! goten and trunks are near impossible to tell apart, and same thing with gohan and videl.

though goten and trunks are both protective over their younger siblings, gotenks is that protectiveness times a thousand. look at bulla or pan wrong for 2 seconds and you're going to have an angry gotenks in your face asking if you have any last words. i like to think that trunks and goten fused casually a lot, especially around the time where bulla and pan were young, so its basically goten and trunks own attachment to them PLUS gotenks' attachment to them as his own person combined.

i like to pretend end of z did not happen the way it did so uub, using nimbus, travels back and forth a lot. goku isn’t the only one who teaches him how to fight as goten, gohan and trunks all think of him like a little brother and love training with him!

fuck you letters to toriyama/toyotaro hot takes:

cell, as cool of a villian as he is, definitely should have had a creepier final form. or multiple- just something that really drives in the fact that he's made up of other's dna & fuckin ABSORBS people. also his first two forms should have had a different absorbtion method other than the tail thing (not the drinking thing thats fine) it just feels. Weird. not good

it would have been far more interesting to keep the bitter attitude towards vegeta that future trunks had imo... in super trunks was going through a Lot granted but the fact tht he wasnt more confrontational to vegeta being a dick to him seemed kind of off considering his attitude in z i just.. think it would be interesting and far better if they had more of a back and forth 'family but lowkey hate each other' relationship

i dont want to rant about super so heres some super condensed takes, goku black arc specific because thats 90% of what ive seen of super:

mai is a fucking freak ass weirdo, why did they not just make another character to pair with trunks

trunks not flipping the fuck out at his timeline being erased feels... out of character. also trunks deserved the win against zamasu

future bulma did NOT need to die

trunks should have just stayed in the current timeline

please fucking let trunks and goten grow up. we SAW a version of trunks who looked 14 (history of trunks....) and the versions of goten & trunks we have r/n in super do not look 13/14 respectively what in the goddamn hell is going on in the character design department

super definitely should have taken place later down the line

supers version of bulma and videl look awful. why are they That stick like.

vegeta needs to kill frieza. just once.

fu has enough potential to be a very interesting mainline character and i am so sad he's not

i would actively enjoy a sdbh anime with more budget that isnt just a promo anime and has a plot that makes sense... i think db should have more wild spinoffs

xenoverse deserved a better story that went FULL in on the 'what if' type of timelines- like they did in raging blast which is a FUCKING GREAT GAME

straight up lies:

dragon ball z is a good series

#yes db is my hyperfix. that doesnt mean its good <3 but its mine now and i make whatever i want canon #long post #fleetinginterest

24 notes · View notes

brokenfoetus · 4 years

Text

...Real Talk for a Moment....

This is gonna be a long rant post, so by all means... quickly scroll past. Parts may even be a tad emo feels for some folks for one reason or another... There’s no shame in skipping for reals. A lot of days I can’t bother to read anything too in depth... anyway... HERE goes.... While I absolutely love art, and performance, and surreal awkward characterization of myself I call “THE END”. I also value truth, and being understood. My blog here started more as a journal for me to vent, and place to post music and art for me to look at in order to try and just relax during a very difficult point in my life. Every now and then I like to stop and ground myself and post in a sense about the actual me. There’s frankly not anything magical here, everyone has a story and their experiences and struggles we all do no matter who you are. I suppose like I said, I just like to be understood where I am coming from typically can only be slightly grasped like anyone. Even if you agree with views and relate to feelings, things become clearer with details.... hence my rants. I get it out of my system and state my perspectives all at once and anyone who happens to be curious gets to read it. Maybe gets to relate and frankly that tends to help us sometimes. It helps people realize they’re not alone in their situations. Anyway.... I was born a tiny premature gremlin on the east coast of the U.S. I was raised a devout Catholic boy. At age 11 I was diagnosed with the chronic illness Diabetes. when the symptoms started my mother called doctors concerned. We had to wait a full month for my appointment. It was rough. Some people don’t know of the disease, but most people generally are aware. It typically doesn’t seem all too dramatic to most since people think of it as old grandma and grandpa taking their pills and measuring their food. When you’re talking juvenile onset diabetes it’s different... severity can vary. but, I caught some sort of virus, with flu like symptoms... I was very very sick for a week or two. Once it passed, I was okay but slowly started feeling gross in other ways. By the time we got to see Doctors it was too late, and the damage done to my pancreas made it so it created pretty much no insulin. The only theory Doctors had at the time was the virus freaked out my auto-immune system so it made my body attack itself. It seemed that my white blood cells had attacked my pancreas. I was 11, so... I didn’t know what diabetes was. I asked my doctor if there was a cure, and he explained that there was no cure. My little boy brain after feeling so awful for a month and a half assumed I was going to die. I burst into tears as I was very very afraid. My Doctor quickly explained I wasn’t going to die like I had assumed and that it can be treated. It doesn’t seem so scary most the time when you realize it can be treated. The thing is the hormone insulin can be quite dangerous, as low blood sugars are actually very much more dangerous than high blood sugars. Insulin allows glucose in the blood to travel into cells to basically use as fuel. without it sugar levels rise in the blood stream, and the body starts rapidly breaking down fat cells to use as fuel. Now, that happens normal some anyway usually after eating. Just not rapidly.... when it does, the fuel it breaks down creates ketones which can make the blood toxic... by making it acidic.... Like I don’t really think... there’s any way I can describe what high blood sugar feels like... or what it feels like when your blood starts to become acidic.... I can’t... but... minor low blood sugar attacks can happen to anyone just by skipping lunch or forgetting to eat... and those suck... bad ones... well... they feel like you’re dying. Not to be melodramatic about it all... but that’s all I can say to explain it... it just feels like you’re dying. Probably because you sort of are..... The brain runs on glucose so when the levels get too low... your brain panics and tries to save itself and alert you. It’s not fun. It’s been many years since I had anything dangerous or serious in terms of low blood sugars but, a couple times in my life when I wasn’t doing very well emotionally and mentally I wasn’t paying attention or being careful with my insulin dosages and how much I was eating. I’ve had 3 grand mal seizures in my life when I was younger.... it’s hard to explain the experience... in mine... I don’t know.... It was like not existing at all, there was nothing. I woke to pain, I couldn’t see or hear it just hurt. Everything hurt head to toe. Then I could hear myself saying it hurt, then I could hear the people around me, and then I could see the people around me. Then I knew what had happened. I felt a bit guilty for scaring my loved ones so much. That honestly made me more upset than the pain. The reason I spell all this out... is my life has mostly been surrounded by fear. I’ve been aware of my mortality and trying to avoid dying on a daily basis since I was a very young boy. The strange thing I suppose.... is after a while... you just get sick of being afraid.... you kind of stop being scared and just get angry... I was a shy timid nervous little dude.... I’ve had long long times where... I’ve felt worthless, I’ve hated myself, felt I didn’t deserve happiness, or love. I’ve let people use me, without standing up for myself. I’ve let people be toxic and cruel, while excusing their behavior. While at the same time condemning myself for any tiny mistake I may have made in any way. I’ve made myself a martyr in personal relationships, sacrificing myself and my feelings. I’ve frankly... done a whole bunch of fucked up things turned inward. The nice thing I suppose, is I don’t do that anymore.... I still make mistakes, and I like to take responsibility for them and make amends or fix them. You can get used to some really fucked up things. Especially when struggling with self worth. I used to think I was useless and undeserving. Today... I’m well aware I’m a PRETTEH PRETTEH GOFF BOI.... I have long time close friends who love me just as much as I do them. I have a wonderful beautiful lovely lady who has my heart and soul whom I want to spend every moment I possibly can with until my bones are dust. Who helped me a great deal over the past couple years or so. Helped me with myself and helped me believe in myself again. Just by being my friend and supporting me while I continue to be the eccentric artist asshole I am. and I have Scrambles... THE MOST CUTEST BLACK KITTEH KAT EVAR. I feel rather lucky to have all I do. I appreciate what I have very very much. I’ve been dealing with Diabetes since I was 11... and had been dealing with Severe Major Depression symptoms since my early 20s. over the past five years I finally started getting help, Turns out I don’t just have diabetes.... I have adhd and some kind of sleep disorder. we’ve been calling it narcolepsy but it’s hard to say exactly, it could be hypersomnia which is a super fancy way of saying I’m fucking always exhausted 24/7 which is pretty accurate. That is usually caused by narcolepsy or something else but... who knows... still trying to figure that part out. I have discovered though that, being fucking exhausted non stop for 20 years will make you very depressed. Sometimes depression makes you tired, and sometimes being tired makes you depressed. When I was a young lad, I gave myself one single life goal.... That was to finish an electro industrial album and play some live shows. I dunno, to some that might not be a big deal.... I never said it had to be “good” after all. But, when I was at a low point dealing with my stuffs, trying to take care of myself... I honestly spent most my days sleeping. I was awake maybe 4 hours a day. Things felt very hopeless, that learned hopelessness made me believe things were pretty much pointless. I would shrug... and talk to my psychiatrist about my suffering in a manner that people talk about the weather. I didn’t even care anymore it was happening. It was “oh well... is what it is.” Until I got angry, it was a good thing I was so frustrated.... because it meant I finally gave a shit again. I wanted to get better and I wanted it to hurry the fuck up. Anyway... I’m just rambling and ranting because I was thinking back a lot after doing a sleep study... probably the first in a series of them. I don’t have apnea so I mean... that’s good. I also got to see what some of my brainwaves look like... I also apparently wake up after dreaming some a lot... I also apparently yelled in the middle of the night hahaha. So back to the whole life goal thing.....my long time friend, who introduced me to shitloads of music and bands and has always been close through good and bad times. Was saying how he knew it was something I’ve always wanted to do, so he wants to help me. He’s starting to help me plan the performance and then later will help me setup my shows and come with me to what will be really awkward and silly first couple gigs I play. An open mic night will be particularly hilarious to me, since instead of hearing shitty rock song covers, it will be an insane goth punk dude screaming distorted vocals to weird electro noises haha. It’s taken a long time to get shit finally going... but... it’s getting there... it’s still going to take a lot more work... on both me and the music. I have countless things I have to do, but I’m just happy I finally got angry enough to scream fuck it... and go for it... I love a lot of various kinds of work. I don’t really fit there very well though. Now that the sleep disorder stuff has become worse over time... it’s not really possible anyway. That’s okay though, since now I’m just doing what I’m actually good at. Eccentric artist asshole has always been my key features. xD So, here’s some photos of me before and during my sleep lab and random enjoyable crap I suppose... and my general mood. It’s been a while.... -The End-

youtube

#Me #Personal #Random #Pointless #Update #THE END

16 notes · View notes

tlbodine · 5 years

Text

So, What’s it Actually Like to Work With a Small Press?

Have you ever noticed that advice for writers tends to be sort of...lackluster in some areas? Like there are some parts of the publishing process that are really easy to find information about. For example, how to write a query letter! Everybody tells you how to write a query letter! But what nobody ever seems to talk about is wtf actually happens once your book is accepted. Like, what is it actually like to be a published author?

And that's kind of scary, right? Like you're plunging into darkness on absolute faith that there's something on the other side? If you can't imagine yourself in a role, it's kind of hard to take the leap into it. So here's my attempt at shining a flashlight on one small corner of the publishing industry.

I can't speak to the process of being published with a major publisher, but I can at least tell you a bit about what it's like to work with the small press that I work with.

Short answer: Way, way cooler than I expected.

Honestly. I went into this with pretty low expectations, because you hear a lot of talk about how publishers don't do anything to promote their authors and how first-time authors are pretty much nobodies etc. etc. so I was expecting nothing. Here's what I got instead:

- Several months after my query, I got an email saying they loved my book and would like to publish it. There was a contract attached. I asked if I could take some time to review the contract and reach out to some agents (I still had queries out with them) and they said that was fine. I gave them a specific date I'd have an answer for them (I think it was two weeks) and sent some emails to agents. Most of the agents replied right away that I was off the hook and good luck. Some said nothing. One notable outlier emailed me back several months after the contract was signed and asked if I still had the book. (I told him no but I'd consider him first the next time I query an agent).

- I signed the contract. The terms were pretty much what I expected. If I'd had an agent I could probably have negotiated better terms, maybe. But I'm satisfied with what I'm getting, and it's very standard for the industry.

- Which brings us to another irritating truth about the publishing business: nobody talks about money. Like, aside from short story markets (which usually post their rates right in the market listing) you never have any idea how much anything pays. This is by design. The authors who are really vague in their posts about money? They've probably signed a contract stating that they can't talk about the specifics. I know it's really frustrating. It's just how the industry works, for better or worse (and, tbh, it's how a lot of businesses work - if you get a raise, for example, your boss may ask you not to tell anyone because other employees aren't getting the same raise).

- Anyway. I signed the contract and then waited around for a while for it to be signed by the head of the company and sent back to me. Then I waited around a little bit longer to be introduced to my editor. Publishing involves a lot of waiting, which you should use to your advantage to do more writing rather than brooding and pacing.

- My editor emailed me and let me know she really liked my book and approximately how long it would take for her to turn around edits. It took about that long. She sent the edits in tracked-changes format in the word doc and I spent an evening going through and pretty much approving all of them because I am not a person to quibble over the placement of a comma.

- What was editing like? Well. They were copy-edits, not substantive edits. I don't know whether that's the norm for this publisher or small presses or publishing in general, but that was my experience. I'm mostly fine with that, but it did surprise me; I was expecting to have to do a lot more work post-acceptance. There was no discussion about changing the title, either, which is a thing I was expecting because I'd once read that books never get published with their original titles.

- Once I'd approved the edits, it got sent of for formatting and we talked about cover design. I made a list of book covers I liked and some general things I wanted. My editor passed this along to the designer, and they had some back-and-forth before it was sent back to me, and I loved it a whole lot and had one extremely minor change. I imagine if I really, really hated it I could have gotten it re-done, but I loved it so I didn't get to test that hypothesis.

- So with the cover and the formatting pretty much done, it's time to start promo. I started pulling together things independently. I ended up with a list of 86 blogs/websites I wanted to approach for online promo, and I can write a whole thing about this process later so I won't bother you with the details on it now. But there were a few things that were really interesting and I didn't know about or didn't expect, so I'll talk about that instead!

- Blurbs! You know those quotes from other authors and such that are on book covers or on a page inside the cover? Ever wonder where those come from? You ask for them. This should not have been mind-blowing to me but it totally was. My editor approached some people, and then asked me if I had anybody to approach, which led to me sending some really awkward emails both to complete strangers (people with books I really liked that were similar to my own) and to friends/acquaintances who were more successful than I am. This was terrifying, but also really cool. I had to remind myself constantly: you are a professional sending business correspondence to other professionals. This did not stop me from squeaking when anybody replied.

- Reviews! I submitted a ton of requests to people with the ARC (advanced review copy). My editor reached out to solicit some, too. Like I said, I'll write a thing about this later, but just know that I'm not and have never been wholly on my own in this regard.

Over the course of all this I've become gradually more familiar with my editor. We're Facebook friends now. I have emailed at odd hours with panicked requests ("Is it too late to rewrite the jacket copy? here are several paragraphs of alternative ideas") and she's pinged me with opportunities and kept me updated on what's going to happen next. This publisher is only open to submissions for a narrow window during the year (about a month or two) and I think that’s mostly so each author can get this kind of personal attention, and I love that.

Honestly, it's really great, and a much more hands-on and personable experience than I had anticipated. I strongly doubt that publishing with a big house is like this at all. But publishing with a small press, for me anyway, feels a lot like a VIP treatment, even if I'm not, like...getting flown around the country for book tours or anything like that. Just having somebody who really believes in your book who answers your emails within a couple days of sending them is...pretty freaking awesome?

10/10 would recommend Journalstone/Trepidatio to anyone.

You can scope out their website here: http://journalstone.com/mainstore/

You’ll note that my book (River of Souls) is one of just two new releases slated for late summer. You’ll also note that the other book, Doorways to the Deadeye, looks fucking phenomenal and you should buy it (and I’m not just saying that because Eric Guignard wrote very nice things about my book).

But anyway, that’s my experience so far. I’ll try to follow up after the book has been released to give some more insights.

#writing #publishing #behind the scenes #writing advice #publishing advice #how to #writeblr #small press

594 notes · View notes

rahabs · 4 years

Note

How are you staying active during quarantine? I just tipped into 180lbs, highest I've ever been, and I'm getting really depressed about it 😔 I've only gained about 7-8 pounds due to the quarantine, but back in January I was at 163, and I'm really struggling with the fact that I'm back up again after how hard I've been working. It feel like I can't get the weight to stay off, now esp. (Sorry for the mini rant, but I actually followed you Bc of your fitness posts, I appreciate them a lot

Many hugs to you, Anon, and there is no need to apologise 🖤 You are definitely not alone. I have also been struggling a lot with my weight recently (I have deliberately been putting on muscle, about 25lbs of it, but it is still a struggle to do so and to feel sometimes like my work getting down from 210lbs is being reversed--I am up to 145-150lbs myself, even though I still fit most all of my clothes from when I was 122lbs), but please do not be too hard on yourself! Some of that weight gain might be muscle, but I understand how frustrating and demoralising it can be nonetheless, I really do. Like... I really, really cannot emphasise enough how much I understand and how much I get what you’re going through right now, and I wish with all my heart that you weren’t going through it, because it hurts and it makes you just feel awful and so I am really and truly wishing you all the best right now, but also I have the utmost faith in you and despite the setback it is nothing that you cannot fix going forward 🖤

To answer your question, I’ve been doing a mix of things, but the two biggest things for me are that I built myself a routine, and I try to just walk everywhere that I can. Also, I track in an app called MyFitnessPal, because I need to hold myself accountable. The gyms in my city have recently opened back up and I have usually been going five times a week (reduced capacity and you can only go for an hour, but I use every second of that hour because cardio is how I best manage OCD/PTSD/anxiety, and I love love love seeing some beloved familiar strangers at the gym--we all wave happily to each other, since we tend to book the same time slots 🖤), but before they opened up my biggest friend was just walking. I have a lot of joint issues due to my improperly healed torn hip flexor and my former obesity, so I can’t run, but you don’t need to run. Walking is your best friend. Or even household chores. I used to work for a landscaping company, so when I can I will help with the yardwork (even though I dislike it--I try to find ways to make it more fun, and I genuinely enjoy being out in the sun, so there’s that at least). I make sure things stay tidy, I’ve been writing a lot and trying to see friends when I can, or get out to hike in the mountains. If I go grocery shopping and I’m waiting in a line, sometimes I’ll lazily bicep-curl my grocery bags. I’ll walk to the mailbox, I’ll walk through the neighbourhood, I’ll walk to the grocery store or to the nearest gas station. My dogs are old so I cannot walk them anymore, especially since we are under a heat wave, but I’ll get up and play with them. Bottom line: if I could find somewhere to walk and an excuse to walk there, I would. When I couldn’t, I would sit down and exercise by following my favourite home workout YouTube channel. (Seriously, she is amazing; I’ve followed her for years, since her channel was just starting out. I just got a half-sleeve tattoo and cannot use a lot of gym equipment at the moment so I have gone back to her videos, as she provides a lot of modifications and alternatives and just so many good at-home exercises that you don’t need any fancy equipment for.)

The routine is the most important part, though. I need structure, and if I have structure I find that I am less likely to binge, because my brain won’t freak out as much (whether out of boredom or something else).

You might know this already but I’m a (recovering) binge-eater and I also eat when bored or stressed, so I’ve just been trying to occupy myself with things other than food. I had a really bad spot for awhile where I was doing really, really poorly in that department an binged every day, but I finally put my foot down last week and this is the longest that I’ve been binge-free in months. I also have BDD, which I am working on (hard going when my attempts to ask the people around me for help often fall on deaf ears).

I think it’s important to realise that fitness and weight loss isn’t always linear. There will be times where you falter and stumble and when that happens it’s important not to punish yourself--instead just accept and acknowledge that it’s happened and adapt for the future. Like a little AAA battery! Bodies are also weird, and sometimes they react to things strangely. I’m not a professional in any way, but since working to put on some muscle I have noticed that women’s bodies at least like... they are strange things sometimes. And I know it sounds weird, but try not to put too much emphasis on a number on the scale. I’m not saying “get rid of the scale!” or “smash the scale!” or anything silly like that because I think to some people having the scale is really important, so long as it doesn’t become something obsessive you fixate on (I have severe OCD, professionally diagnosed, so easier said than done, but it’s doable by adding it to the routine and picking one day a week where I check in), but make sure it doesn’t become a focal point of your weight loss.

Instead, just notice how your clothes are fitting. If you have body tape, you can use that too. Pick a favourite pair of jeans and just see how they fit over time, or a favourite bra, or something that doesn’t stretch as easily as yoga pants. Again, some of your recent weight gain might actually be muscle mass, especially if you aren’t noticing a lot of change in how your clothes from January fit. When I first hit 145lbs when I was first losing the weight, I didn’t look like I do at my current 145-150lbs, after having got down to 120 and then making the decision to put some muscle back on. Save for some jean shorts that I bought at my lowest weight, because I build thick muscles in my thighs, I still fit all the clothes I bought and wore at 120lbs--including my fitted dresses, my Stampede jeans, most of my bras, and the pair of “check Lulus” I bought because those things are without mercy. I also have a couple really good friends I check in with who know me and who I can trust to tell me the truth when I cannot perceive it myself. And, when I’m being honest with it (which I am trying really hard to be again), I have MyFitnessPal, which has been with me through thick and thin.

If you can, I would recommend a good fitness tracker, too. Fitbit is really good and user-friendly. I have a Garmin now, because Fitbit doesn’t make adult watches or watch bands small enough for my ridiculous baby bird wrists, but I had my Fitbit for years before that and it saw me through the vast majority of my weight loss/fitness quest. It can be very helpful to just help you gauge where you are; most people grossly overestimate how active they actually are, and if you’re up for it, a tracker can be helpful in giving you empirical data from which you can base some better decisions around.

And just do you best to stay active. I do not know if you have any gyms where you live or if they’re open, but I would really recommend getting a membership, though I totally understand that gyms are not for everyone. If not, I really do recommend checking out that youtube channel I linked (Koboko Fitness), and just doing your best to walk wherever there’s the option to walk (and it won’t cause undue hardship/pain/etc). Lift some boxes around the house. Turn doing the dishes into a stretching exercise. If you’re familiar with yoga, do yoga (I do not because I am not familiar with it and it can be dangerous to people like me with joint issues to start if you don’t have anyone around who can tell you if you’re doing it right, but my younger sister is working on a cert and she does yoga daily, even with the baby bump). Many gyms are offering online classes right now too, including the gyms I go to (GoodLife Fitness in Canada), so they can be worth checking out too!

But also just know you’re not in that boat alone. Many people are struggling right now, including myself, so if you ever need to chat my inbox and my DMs are always open (and I can toss my Discord handle out too if that helps), because a support system can really make all the difference. I never had one for the longest time, and so when I fell back on old, bad habits it took me awhile to pull myself out of it (again). I really can talk about this forever but I will stop myself now because I am a chatty cathy but! Please feel free to send messages whenever you want, Anon, and please be kind to yourself! I know it’s scary and I know it’s disappointing because I have been there many a time but you can do this, I believe in you! You’ve had a setback but it isn’t anything that can’t be fixed/corrected and I have faith that you will be able to get back on the proverbial horse and mow down Alexander’s armies in a way that would make the Achaemenids proud 🖤 I hope this helped in some way and that I was able to answer your question!

#weight loss #fitness #long post #text #mens sana in corpore sano #ed mention #ed for cw #anonym #ask #reply

4 notes · View notes

jazzman-19-blog · 5 years

Text

Crazy Little Thing Called Life

*If this is your gif, tell me so I can credit you properly!*

A/N: This isn’t even that long and it took me forever to write it. I had a friend’s birthday vacation to go to so I couldn’t work on it for three days! My friend who’s helping me edit it, told me to not give up on the story cause I was kinda worrying like, do people not like it? Is this a stupid idea? I don’t know but I almost gave up but no, I will promise to finish the story with all of my heart! Anyways, I hope you enjoy this next chapter! BYEEEE :]

~with lots of love, Jazzman~

Summary: A road trip/vacation between two old friends turns into something more(basic plot but whateva)

No songs todayyyy

Pairing: Ben x reader

Word Count: 4741

Warnings: Language, hehehe some tiny fluff thrown in, and horrible writing skills :)

If you would like to be added to the taglist, just let me know!

*Reblogs/asks/opinions are always appreciated!*

Ch. 5: Pancakesss

----

The next hour or so (you weren’t really paying attention at this point) went by okay. It could’ve gone faster but it wasn’t too slow. Most of the ride anyway, was just you and Ben jamming out to music. You and Ben both had a similar taste in music. You both liked the oldies but couldn’t stay away from some of the more popular music now. When you both weren’t jamming out, you would be grubbing on food over in the back. Of course you had to bring your trail mix because trail mix slaps. Ben just decided to bring some chips because he said that raisins are gross, especially mixed with salted peanuts. He was so goddamn picky that it got on your nerves sometimes. Like who would turn down a perfectly good bag of trail mix? Which ultimately lead to your next argument.

“Trail mix is the superior snack, it has saltiness from the peanuts, sweetness from the M&M’s, and the raisins just add more fucking flavor! Mr. Jones, you are in the wrong here!” You looked over at him for his response.

“The peanuts are okay, but it just doesn’t mix with M&M’s because who likes salty chocolate? And who even likes RAISINS?!”

“Actually, get your facts straight sir, many people like salty chocolate. Also I LIKE RAISINS! I’M LIVING PROOF!”

“Your not a fucking raisin, Y/n.” Ben rolled his eyes at you but looked back towards the road because it was getting pretty dangerous now that you were driving through the mountains.

“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!” You huffed in frustration. “What’s so great about your cHiPs that make it so much better compared to my trail mix? Hmmmmmm?”

“Chips are just an easier snack, dear.”

“The fuck you mean EaSiEr?”

Ben sighed. “I mean more portable and they don’t make such a mess with the chocolate melting and they just taste better.”

“Point not proven. Trail mix is superior, end of story.” You turned back to your trail mix and continued eating.

You hated driving through the mountains because it terrified you. Everything about it was scary. The fact that if you made one wrong turn you could plummet to your ultimate death, that you were scared of heights, and that rocks could just come tumbling down at any moment. Which is why Ben tried to distract you from it because he knew that you would have a panic attack. It’s happened before. It was on a family trip to California with Ben’s family, of course, and you started having a mental breakdown and started hyperventilating. Poor Ben had seen it happen so many times to the point that he knows exactly what to do if it ever happened again.

Luckily though, you were okay this time which was weird. You weren’t about to go into full freak out mode. You felt… fine. You snuggled into Ben’s sweater some more and laid back to relax. Before you knew it, you passed out.

------------------------------------------------------

When you finally woke up, you weren’t in the mountain range anymore. You were on your way to your Uncle’s house. Driving through the big neighborhood and streets. The streets were really confusing. Ben looked like he didn’t know where he was going. Luckily, you had already pulled out your phone to use the GPS. If you didn’t, you both would have been lost in the never ending streets and houses. Ben pulled up into your Uncle’s driveway and parked. The house was huge, at least 2 stories tall. You’ve been here before when you were like five but you can’t remember much. And everything you did remember was mostly a blur. Your thoughts were cut short when Ben called from outside the SUV to get out or at least hand him the keys to get in.

You grabbed the keys, jumped out of the car and sprinted over to the front door where Ben was. You ran through the grass and up the porch steps until you were face to face with the door. You were way too excited for this.

“Took you long enough.” Ben said as he walked up behind you. You didn’t notice that you passed him on the way.

“Sorry, got caught in my thoughts.” You were good at running but right now, you were too tired.

“Well? You going to open the door love?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it.” You huffed as you put the keys in and finally opened the door. Of course the first thing you noticed about the house was the smell. The smell of the house was mixed in with the breeze of the ocean and the beach. You loved it. Ben on the other hand didn’t really care. He just walked in and was amazed by how big it was. You closed the door behind you and turned left to see Ben looking around amazed by the living room. You walked into the living room after him. There was a fireplace with the flat screen TV above it. There was a couch facing the fireplace with one small couch chair on the east and west side of it, facing each other with a rectangular coffee table in the middle of it. On the west side of the couches, there was a giant window to see out to the front lawn. On the east side, it led into the dining room. There were sliding wooden doors that separated the dining room and the living room. You opened the doors and walked in. There was a long rectangular dining table in the center with 3 chairs on the longer sides while one chair on each of the smaller sides of the table. To your left, there were two doors that lead to your Uncle’s office, but he told you not to go in there. On the opposite end of you and the long dining table was the kitchen. It had a bar top that had all the information like the wifi password and rules to the house that your uncle had left you two. The fridge was one of those double door ones, you forgot the name of it. On the right side of the dining table, there was the stairs that lead up to the bedrooms and everything. You decide not to go up there just yet because you wanted to check out the backyard. The door to the backyard was through the kitchen.

You had completely forgotten about Ben until he appeared beside you in the kitchen, you make your way to the back door and open it. The backyard was beautiful, there was a wooden plank cover over the rustic looking porch chairs and coffee table. Along the backyard walls were beautiful vines going up and down. There was even a palm tree in the back corner of the yard. The grass was actually green unlike back in Arizona where most grass died from the heat. The string lights that hung everywhere matched so well. You were definitely going to turn them on tonight. And maybe Ben too.

“So, you gonna stand here and look at the grass all day or are we going to get the stuff from the car and claim rooms?” Ben’s sudden statement made you jump, you were so lost in thought. You’ve been doing that a lot today.

“Awww, I was planning on just looking at the grass, why you gotta ruin my fun?” You pouted but of course he always caught your sarcasm so it didn’t matter. You stepped down to the porch from the steps and walked up to the gate that lead into the driveway. The gate was rusty so it made an awful creeking sound that made your face scrunch up in disgust. Ben just covered his ears in pain.

“We need to get oil for that, ‘cause there’s no way I can deal with that for the next two months.” Ben walked passed you towards the car to get the stuff out of the trunk.

“I think I got some in the car somewhere and if not then maybe my Uncle got some.” You walked over to the trunk and opened the back door. Grabbing both yours and Ben’s suitcases and placing them on the concrete and climbed in and crawled inside the SUV to check if anything else was left. You turned around and sat on the edge of the car and just dangle your legs around. Ben came back from the driver's seat and saw you just sitting there. You put your elbows on your knees and your head in your hands. You looked… sad and he didn’t know why.

“Hey, what’s wrong love?” Ben walked closer to you and put a hand on your thigh.

“Nothing, I’m just thinking, I guess.” You looked up at him but didn’t move your head. Ben decided to grab both of your hands in his. You sat up at his touch and looked him in the eyes. Those fucking green orbs were really going to kill you.

“Thinking about what? I know that when you think too much, you tend to get caught in your feelings.” And he was right, because right now your feelings were caught for him. But you couldn’t tell him that.

“I’m fine, really, I was just thinking about the next two months.” You give a sly smile but it quickly disappears. Ben gets in between your legs now and his face is just mere inches from you. You can feel his hot breath on your face. Your hands are still in his.

“Are you though?” Every second Ben kept getting closer and closer until his stupid phone went off. He let go of your hands and grabbed his phone. His mom was calling, you loved her to death like your own mother but wrong time to be calling. At least for you.

“Sorry, I got to take this.” Ben whispered as he answered the phone. He put it between his ear and his shoulder to keep it in place as he grabbed his suitcases and headed for the back gate. You huffed in frustration, so close but so goddamn far. You jumped out from the back of the SUV and slammed the doors. You grabbed your luggage and start heading for the house, your grip was so tight on the handle of the case that your knuckles were turning white.

Once you entered onto the back porch, you let go of the suitcases and closed the gate, forgetting about the horrible screeching sound it made. Once it was locked you turned back to the backyard door and sighed. You had it so bad for that man but oh boy was it so complicated. You grabbed your things and made your way to the door and walked in. Ben was nowhere to be seen, maybe he was already upstairs. You passed through the kitchen and up the stairs you went. The stairs had five steps leading up and then a platform, then going to the left up another fifteen or so steps and then another stupid platform with five or six more steps turning left leading to the second floor. It wouldn’t be so difficult if it was just you but no, you had to carry two suitcases up with you.

Once you got up there, your legs were about to give out. The first bedroom on your right was your Uncle’s and it had two giant white doors to it. The second door on the other side of it was one of the rooms you or Ben would be staying in. It was a bright pink color and it had a queen size bed with a window on the wall with the bed frame. The closet was on your left and it was a small one but it would do. The dresser was on the wall near the door and it had a big mirror. Then on the right side of the room, there was a door that lead to the bathroom. You decide to leave your stuff in here for now until you explored the rest of the house. You walked further down the hall. There was another room on your right but you weren’t too worried about it because it was more of a kids room. And next to it was another bathroom. Between your Uncle’s room and the kids room was the laundry room. At the end of the hall were two other doors. One on the right, it leads to a small living room with a balcony. It had a futon and a TV along with a small table in the middle. The room on the left was closed so you decide to open the door. It was a light baby blue color and basically identical to the pink room besides the balcony it had on the right side. The closet was a walk in on the left wall near the bathroom door. Ben was lying on the bed, all sprawled out.

“Hey Benny Boy, you still on the phone?” You walked in slowly only to find out that he was passed out. “Okay then…”

You walk through his bathroom into your room since they were connected. You walked over to your pink fluffy bed and belly flopped onto it. You were so tired from everything and all you wanted to do was take a nap but you knew you couldn’t. You had to unpack and get everything situated. Then you could sink into your new pretty pink bed and fall fast asleep.

You get up and groan. It wasn’t even that late yet, it was barely 4:30 pm. The sun was still out and luckily, it gave some natural lighting in your room. You sit down next to your bags and start to go through them. You put your bras, underwear, and socks in the top drawer of the dresser, your shirts in the middle drawer, and your pants in the bottom one. Your nice clothes on the other hand, were going to go in the closet to hang up. You brought a couple colorful sundresses in case you decide to go out somewhere and a couple of late night dresses in case you wanted to go out and have some fun. You place your shoes, sandals, and fuzzy slippers at the bottom of the closet. After, you went and put all of your makeup, brushes, and whatever you had for your skin care routine. You had finally finished unpacking when you checked the time on your phone to see it was 5:30 now. You didn’t realize you took that long. You really wanted to go out on the first night but you were just being lazy at this point. Maybe you and Ben would get some Postmates since you really didn’t feel like driving.

You walk through your bathroom and into Ben’s room. He’s still in the same place as he was an hour ago. You walk over and violently shake him until you hear him groan.

“What do you want love? I’m trying to sleep.” He rubbed his eyes with his fists and looked at you.

“I want to sleep too but you need to get unpacked and I’m hungry, should we get Postmates?” Ben scooches over to make room for you to sit down on the bed. You sit down and the next thing you know, Ben’s arms wrap around your waist and he pulls you down with him onto the bed to lay down. You should have known by now that he would do this.

“Ben! C’mon, we gotta get you unpacked!” You try to snake away from his grasp on you but it doesn’t work. Now your back is against chest and he’s breathing down your neck once again like back at the hotel.

“Your not going anywhere sweetheart. Let’s just relax for a bit… Hmmmm… How does that sound?” You can tell that he’s dozing off so you try to break from his arms. This time you actually get out. Once your free you shake Ben and push him off the bed.

“Fine! I’m up!” Ben pushes himself up from the floor and sits back against the bed.

“Took you long enough.” Mocking his words from earlier. You turn back to the door and open it.

“What do you want from Postmates?” You call back as you walk down the hall.

“I don’t know, your choice, surprise me!” Ben yelled back from his room.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Ben had finished unpacking when the food arrived. You just decided to get some chinese food because you were craving it all day. You got Ben his usual and even then he was complaining.

“You didn’t surprise me!” He whined like a little child.

“If I did, you would complain anyway about how the food was different.” You said back from the living room while stuffing food in your mouth.

“Whatever, I’ll still eat it, I guess.” Ben said as he walked into the living room and sat next to you on the couch. You decided to put Netflix on and binge watch Sugar Rush. Ben loved this show and so did you. You both loved baking shows and it was quite odd since neither of you could bake.

“Stop being a prick Benny. You know I’m right.”

“Sure, keep telling yourself that, sweetheart.” Ben’s little nicknames for you were cute but sometimes you felt like his little pet. It didn’t really matter to you, sometimes you would give Ben little nicknames too like Benny Boy or Benji.

“Okay well anyways, I put on Sugar Rush.”

“Is this really how we’re spending our Thursday night? Watching Sugar Rush while eating Postmates and being lazy bums?”

“Yeah, I guess so. I don’t care. We can just go out tomorrow night.” You shoved more food into your mouth and looked over at Ben.

“M’sure but we just got here and I’m so ready to go and do something.” Ben said as he stuffed his face with food. You poked Ben to make him look at you. When he turned his head to face you, you had stuffed your mouth with noodles and they were just dangling from your lips. Ben started to laugh uncontrollably and almost choked on his own food.

The next hour went by pretty quickly and the next thing you know, you and Ben had finished your food and wandered into the kitchen to find something to do. Ultimately though, you found nothing and just ended back on the couch, watching Sugar Rush. It got cold pretty quickly so you got up and went upstairs to get yours and Ben’s blankets that your grandma had given the both of you. You ran back down stairs and sat back down next to Ben. You handed him his blanket and snuggled into yours. Even with the blanket though, you were still freezing.

“Hey Benny?”

“Yes love?” He looked over you. You were on the opposite end of the couch, nearest to the window while Ben was on the other end.

“Am I the only one freezing to death?”

“Your cold? I’m fine,” Ben said as he snuggled into his blanket some more. “Do you want me to keep you warm Y/n/n?”

“Please!” You basically threw yourself at him when he said that. You snuggled up against his side while he draped his arm around your shoulders. Ben’s body heat made you ten times warmer. You rested your head on him and dozed off.

Ben didn’t realize you fell asleep until he started getting tired too. He tried to get up but you wouldn’t budge. Usually he would just pick you up and carry you to your room. Instead he just let you sleep there and soon enough, he fell asleep too.

----------------------------------------

When you had finally woken up, Ben wasn’t there anymore like back at the hotel. You didn’t care this time though, because he can’t be flirting with some random desk girl here. The sunlight shone through the white curtains of the living room window giving the room a soft and angelic feeling and look to it. What really caught your attention though was the smell of pancakes and fresh fruit. You flipped over to look into the dining room but the doors were closed. You got up and wrapped your blanket around your shoulders as you made your way to the sliding wooden doors. You parted them slightly to just have a peak, your eyes wandered until they fell onto Ben cooking. Your heart melted at the fact that he had an apron on. He looked adorable in it and his cooking was quite good too. You moved the doors to step into the dining room before entering the kitchen with Ben. You snaked around him to grab some fresh strawberries from the bowl he left on the counter.

“Hey! Those strawberries are for breakfast!” Benny said as he swatted your hand away from the bowl, but not before you could grab a couple.

“Free for all.” You turned back around and went on the other side of the bar top to watch him and his skills at cooking. As Ben continued cooking, you looked over everything your Uncle had left you. You had forgotten to go over it yesterday since you were so tired from unpacking everything. Your Uncle had left you a note that read:

Dear Y/n,

If you’re reading this(which I hope you are!) then you have finally made it to my house. All of the papers under this note are of some importance so make sure you read through them carefully! The wifi password shouldn’t be too hard to remember and if anything happens make sure to call and tell me. I will be away for three months but you are planning to only be here for two so I probably won’t see you when I get back. I have a groundskeeper so don’t call the police when you see a random guy walking around the backyard. That would be bad! Anyways, I hope you and Ben have a great time in San Diego and don’t do anything stupid!

-Sincerely, Your Uncle

P.S.: I forgot to mention to not go into my office or my master bedroom because privacy! Bye!

“What you reading over there love?” Ben said as he flipped the pancake that was in the grey pan.

“Just reading a note my Uncle left us.” You looked through the papers under the note and they got long and boring so you decided you’ll go through them later. Right now though, the smell of the pancakes really had your attention. Before you could say anything Ben saw that look in your eyes.

“No, you can’t have any pancakes until I’m done!” Ben swung the spatula in the air. You sighed in defeat.

“Fine, I’ll just go upstairs” You grumbled as you heaved your way up the flight of stairs to your bedroom. All you wanted was some of Ben’s pancakes but no, you had to wait until he was finished in the kitchen. Whatever, you’ll just find something to do in the meantime. And that something was going through Ben’s stuff. When you were back home, or Ben’s home to be exact, you would rummage through his clothes and play dress up. Ben was your judge, he critiqued you on your sense of style and how good you look. You loved how big his clothes were on you, baggy shirts and his basketball shorts were your favorite out of them all. Even though he didn’t play the sport, he still owned a few pairs like every basic teenage boy out there.

You walked into his closet which was bigger than yours but you couldn’t do anything about it. The first thing you looked for was a t-shirt. You went through his many drawers but you couldn’t make up your mind on which one to take. Until you find his soccer jersey, you decide to change your shirt for it. After finding that one, you look into his other clothes to find his basketball shorts. You didn’t really have to choose because they were just different colors so you chose the black ones. You looked like a bumble bee with Ben’s yellow jersey and black shorts but now all you had to get was his socks. You liked his socks more than your own, you called them his soccer socks since you couldn’t remember the name of them, but they were long and usually black. You tried to hurry and find his socks before Ben came up here to look at what you were doing. As you were digging through his sock drawer, you hit something hard, like a book. You digged through his collection of soccer socks until you found it.

It was a plain baby blue journal that said Ben on the cover. You didn’t want to invade Ben’s privacy but it was already in your hands so who cares? You open up to the first page which read: DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER! -Love, Ben’s Diary.

Ben had a diary?! That you didn’t know about? Impossible! Ben’s not very good at keeping secrets so it really was a shocker to find out that he had this tucked away in his sock drawer. You wanted to continue reading but before you could even turn the page, Ben called you that the pancakes were ready. Nothing was going to stop you from getting those pancakes, even if it meant leaving Ben’s diary. You would come back for it later anyways. You quickly closed the book and covered it back into the sock drawer. Before you left, you also grabbed a pair of his soccer socks and slipped them on. You jumped up and slid down the hall to the stairs.

Ben saw you coming from a mile away, what he didn’t expect was you dressed in his clothes. What really caught his attention was the socks. You went through his sock drawer? Usually he wouldn’t mind but he had his diary in there! He didn’t have much time to think until you came into the kitchen.

“Pancakes!” You sounded like a five year old.

“Yeah, I know. Here,” Ben said as he handed you your plate of food. “I can see you decided to play dress up again, love.”

“I did!” You scurried over to the table and sat down and started munching away at the pancakes, Ben even gave you most of the strawberries from earlier. At least the ones he didn’t put into the pancakes.

“Alright well, I’m going to go change myself. I’ll be back in a bit.” He said as he ran off to his room, tripping over some of the steps on the way. Ben sprinted to his room and into his closet. He went through his sock drawer and found his diary at the very bottom. He knew that you knew that it was here. What he didn’t know was how much of it you read. He closed the drawer and stuffed it into the top shelf.

You were stuffed from the food and still kinda curious about Ben’s diary. Of course you weren’t going to bring it up to him because you didn’t want him to not let you dress up anymore. Once you rinsed off your plate and silverware, you made your way up stairs to where Ben was. You slowly opened the door but to no avail, he wasn’t there. You decided to just flop on his bed instead and snuggle in his blankets which surprisingly already smelled liked him. He didn’t even sleep in the stupid bed yet. You started to doze off until you fell asleep.

What Ben didn’t expect when he came out of the bathroom, was you wrapped in his blankets, sound asleep. God, he just wanted to snuggle next to you all day but if that happened, neither of you would wake up until 7 pm. It was only noon, maybe a little nap wouldn’t hurt. Ben decided to climb into his bed with you and pulled you into a cuddle except this time, your head was on his chest while his arms still wrapped around your waist. You put your arms in and cuddled in some more. It made Ben’s heart skip a beat or two, he never wanted this to end.

----

Taglist:

@luvborhap

#ben hardy #ben hardy x reader #ben x reader #ben jones #y/n #borhap #ben hardy x y/n #cltcl #fanfic #ben hardy x female reader #Crazy little thing called life

27 notes · View notes

mawritesbnha · 5 years

Note

:O "god, just let me fxxking love you, you idiot" w/Shinsou

“You know they’re wrong about you. They’re just jerks who can’t think outside the box.”

Shinso simply hummed, obviously still bothered by the nasty comments some idiots had thrown at him earlier.

“You’ll be a great hero someday.” This time he scoffed. “I know you will !”

“And how could you possibly know that? Do you have some prophetic quirk I don’t know about?” He snapped, irritated but you knew his anger wasn’t aimed at you. Still, it hurt when he shut you out like that.

“I don’t have to see the future, I just have to know you. You’re not a villain and your quirk isn’t evil, it can be used for good things.” You cooed, trying to make him understand. If only he saw himself like you saw him…

“I doubt people will share your opinion, and I don’t blame them : how can you trust someone who has the power to turn you into his puppet?” He cast his eyes down and sighed, completely dejected.

Your heart ached for this poor boy who always had to try twice as hard as anyone, who only had the best and most selfless of intentions and was still looked down upon, ignored or even feared.

You never thought Hitoshi was scary. You never worried about him using his quirk on you. You met when you were kids and back then while you failed to grasp the full extent of his potential and the possible threat he could pose, Shinso was already painfully aware of it. Because of this, your first interactions had been rather awkward with you trying to befriend him by asking questions that he would never return, thus looking totally uninterested by you. It wasn’t the case, of course, but what were you supposed to think? When you had confronted him about it, he’d explained that he didn’t control his quirk perfectly yet and that he didn’t want to accidently brainwash you. You’d blinked at him a few times, unimpressed, and asked if he didn’t know how to “unwash people’s brain”. Shinso had laughed at that. Because it was unexpected. Because you didn’t run away calling him a freak. Because you trusted him to release his hold of you and not have you do anything embarrassing. It was the first time you had heard him laugh, and even though it felt like he was mocking you, you decided there and then that you wanted to keep on making him laugh. It had become your mission as his friend, and now…

Now you just couldn’t stand the utterly depressed look on his face. Without thinking you took his big hands in yours, surprising him enough so that he would meet your gaze with his own. And in your shining orbs he saw such faith and devotion that he let a small choked sound escape his lips.

“You’ll show them. You’ll show them that they can trust you. People are afraid because they think about what they would do if they had your quirk. But you’re not like them. You’re strong and driven and you’re just…”

Before you could stop yourself, you were pressing your lips to his in a desperate way to convey your feelings. But Hitoshi was too stunned to reciprocate and sensing that you pulled away, mortified.

“I-I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to…well, I did b-but you don’t and I…”

That’s when Shinso came out of his trance and then it was his turn to kiss you. Effectively stopping your rambling. When he pulled away you couldn’t prevent the dreamy look that bloomed on your face.

“Is this okay?” He asked, scratching the back of his head sheepishly.

“Uh?” Was your brilliant answer.

“Us I mean.” He explained. “You know people will talk, saying how I brainwashed you…”

A very frustrated groan escaped you at that.

“Again with the shit people say? God, just let me fucking love you, you idiot!”

“You love me?”

Realising what you’d let slip you became an even bigger flustered and stuttering mess which made Shinso laugh that glorious laugh you loved so much.

Soooo guess who got excited to write about Shinso ? I’m actually really self-conscious about this since I’ve never written about MHA before and I don’t want to butcher anyone especially not my favourites T.T Anyway I hope this makes you happy dearie, I just went with what popped in my mind I hope you’re not disappointed. Also I know the prompt tends to come first and from the character but it just felt more natural like that. I can’t see Shinso being really assertive with his feelings, at least not in the beginning.

Also also please everyone do not think that this will be the standard length of the pieces I’ll write. It will greatly vary depending on my inspiration and I don’t want anyone to be disappointed so expect smaller imagines and drabbles.

Please bear with me while I figure out this tumblr thing and don’t worry, the more I write the better I’ll get at it. Just you wait !

Smoochies from Ma

#shinsou hitoshi #reader #you #y/n #shinso x reader #angst #sort of ?#it's very light #fluff #good ending #mawrites #imagine #drabble #mha #bnha #gender neutral

184 notes · View notes

lgbtyrus · 5 years

Text

TJ’s Playlist Chapter 11

Story Summary: When Cyrus finds a playlist on TJ’s desktop full of old love songs, he realizes that TJ has never been a scary basketball guy but rather a huge sap. TJ just wished Cyrus could realize that all of those songs remind him of a certain boy who likes chocolate chocolate chip muffins without telling him directly.With insecurities and fears almost set in stone, it’s hard for TJ to admit that he has a heart aching crush on Cyrus who is trying to avoid just that. Of course, it doesn’t seem like both of them are trying to get over each other when they’re always together.

Ao3 Link | Chapter 1 | Previous Chapter

Words: 3,220

Monday at school, TJ got dropped off by his dad before he headed off to work. They had all sat down at dinner on Sunday and agreed to stay in Shadyside. It’d be much better if his dad just commuted. TJ felt a tiny tinge of disappointment. He wouldn’t have had minded the move.

He couldn’t help but feel a little more alone. He knew why, but he wasn’t going to text Cyrus as much as Amber nagged him to do it. He still had all his basketball buddies, but he didn’t talk to them like he talked to Cyrus on some nights. It wasn’t the same thing.

TJ started wondering if he was exaggerating, but he decided it would be better to just not think about Cyrus and avoid him at all costs. Cyrus was the confrontational one, and if he wanted to go and apologize eventually, he could. TJ wouldn’t back off, but he wouldn’t approach Cyrus.

TJ felt weird going to tutoring after school, knowing that Cyrus wasn’t telling Mrs. Pierson some silly joke as he walked in. TJ was biting his tongue as he walked towards the classroom, hoping Mrs. Pierson wouldn’t bring anything up. He had hoped she took a hint when him and Cyrus didn’t pair up that day during class as usual. Cyrus was partners with Jonah for once, and it honestly bugged TJ. But he didn’t even want to look at Cyrus, so he tried to play it off like he didn’t care. He ended up with one of the girls that messaged him occasionally about The Giver. Her name was Lizzy Larson, and she was beautiful. But TJ was in no sense attracted to her like he was attracted to other boys. He kind of regretted not sitting with Gabriel Parks. That would’ve really riled Cyrus up.

TJ opened the door, and his eyes immediately went to the desk where Cyrus would always sit. He wasn’t there. Instead, next to Mrs. Pierson was this older lady he had never seen. Mrs. Pierson stood up and motioned TJ to go over with a swift motion of her hands.

“TJ,” she smiled, “come here. Meet Mrs. Luo. She’ll be your tutor from now on except on Wednesday’s and Friday’s.” TJ forced a friendly smile to Mrs. Luo who also looked like she hated her life with the grim expression she wore on her face. Mrs. Pierson looked around, “No Cyrus today? Is something wrong?” TJ hated that she skipped right to that question.

“Everything is fine,” TJ lied. He didn’t really feel like gossiping with Mrs. Pierson. Mrs. Pierson raised an eyebrow, and he had a feeling that if Mrs. Luo wasn’t there, she would’ve pressed it. He decided he liked Mrs. Luo.

He loved Mrs. Luo. When TJ walked out of the classroom, he definitely felt a lot better about math. She assigned him some extra things to do, but he didn’t mind. If his grade was good enough for him to stay on the basketball team, it was great for him. TJ walked out of the classroom after an hour like always, and he felt how cold the empty spot next to him was now that Cyrus wasn’t walking next to him. He shook off the thought and looked up from his shoes as he continued to walk the halls. There wasn’t a lot of people, just some kids in clubs and Fall sports. Then he caught Cyrus’ eyes.

Cyrus was leaning against his own locker, almost as if he were waiting for TJ to walked by. TJ guessed he just wanted to see if he went to tutoring again. TJ stopped in his tracks and looked at Cyrus, not letting a single muscle on his face twitch. Unlike him, Cyrus’ face was painted in a clear frown. TJ didn’t want anything to do with him, so he looked away and kept walking. He walked past Cyrus, feeling his brown eyes follow every step he took.

Cyrus didn’t say anything to stop him, so he didn’t.

Cyrus waited at a booth at The Spoon until the rest of them arrived. He had his earbuds on, and he was looking out the window. He stared at one couple for a little too long as they walked by, hand in hand. One of TJ’s playlist was playing, and it happened to be full of love songs. Cyrus wondered how many of those love songs applied to the couple he was watching. Cyrus was almost scared that TJ would make the playlists private. He had so much music on them it was impossible to go through every song in a few days. He tended to add a few new songs every morning, but he hadn’t added any since Saturday night.

Cyrus wanted to tell TJ something in the hallway, but he wasn’t sure what to even say. He hadn’t told anyone about the incident, just his journal. He had stared at the polaroid of them together until he fell asleep on his desk that night. His back hurt all of Sunday morning.

“Hey,” Amber’s voice played behind the music. Cyrus took off one of his earbuds and cracked a small smile at her. “Has he talked to you?” she asked as she sat down in front of him. She eyed the earbud Cyrus placed on the table.

Cyrus shook his head, “I waited after school for him where we would walk by to see if he went to tutoring.”

“Did he?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good,” Amber picked up the earbud and put in her ear. The Idea of You by mxmtoon was playing, and it made Amber smile. “So, you didn’t go with him to tutoring?”

“I doubted he wanted me there. He won’t even look at me. It’s frustrating,” Cyrus frowned, fidgeting with his fingers how TJ used to. It wasn’t the same.

“TJ isn’t confrontational. If you want to talk to him again, you’re going to have to make the first move. He tends to just hide from anything that makes him uncomfortable.”

“Do I make him uncomfortable?” Cyrus frowned. He was doubting how straight TJ was, but it could explain a lot of things. It could explain why he ran after the almost kiss.

“I’m sure you don’t,” Amber shook her head. “He likes having you around a lot more than what he cares to admit.” Cyrus raised an eyebrow at her, but Amber quickly took off the earbud. “I have to go. Text me if you need anything.” Amber quickly left the booth before Cyrus could ask her anything.

Now he was even more confused and mxmtoon was making everything inside of him spin like a whirl in a shaken up water bottle. He looked out the window again, and he couldn’t find the couple anymore. He did finally see Andi and Buffy walking up to the store.

“What took you guys so long?” he asked them when they sat down across from him.

“We were discussing something,” Buffy told him, making him raise a brow. Both the girls were absorbed in their own little world, and they hadn’t noticed he was in a terrible mood all day. Cyrus didn’t really mind, though. He didn’t want to spoil their sudden bursts of happiness with their boys. Andi and Jonah seemed to be in a good place after the party, and Buffy and Marty were talking again.

“We wanted to have a group hang out,” Andi smiled at him.

Cyrus quickly guessed the situation, and he immediately said, “No thanks.”

“No?” Buffy frowned. “You don’t even know what we’re doing.”

“I do know that it will probably involve Marty and Jonah, and I’m going to fifth wheel.”

“No, you’re not,” Andi told him, looking desperately at Buffy. Buffy bit her lip because she knew better than to deny it.

“Yes,” Cyrus nodded vigorously, “yes I am.” The three stayed silent until Cyrus said, “Look, I don’t mind if you guys hang out without me. I need to study this weekend anyways.” Buffy and Andi looked at each other with worried frowns. “What?”

“We were going to leave right now,” Buffy told him. “Please come.”

“I,” Cyrus stood up, swinging his backpack around his shoulder, “have to go.”

“You’ll come help me at practice Friday, right?” Buffy asked him as he started walking out. Cyrus gave her a thumbs up before he plugged his earbuds back in and immersed himself in TJ’s playlist.

Cyrus had Spotify open on his laptop, playing songs nonstop at almost full volume. He was staring at the polaroid in his journal again from his desk, his hand leaving a red print on his cheek from how long he had been staring at the photo. He wondered if he really did screw up that badly?

He just wanted to show TJ he cared about him a lot. He didn’t mean to come off as super nosy. He tried not to think too much about what TJ had told him because it stung a lot. It was definitely hitting him harder than anything about Jonah ever did, and he hated it.

He didn’t only hate the situation he was in, but he hated himself. He had really fallen for another dumb boy and there was nothing he could do about it. Maybe this was for the best. The almost-kiss freaked TJ out which proves that TJ Kippen is in fact a big heterosexual, and he would never like him back.

Stay out of his business Cyrus thought to himself. He kind of regretted not taking the hoodie because at least he’d have an excuse to talk to him again. Now, he wouldn’t even know what to say when approaching him. Hey sorry I cared too much about you and your family I hope you can forgive me for being nosy but it’s honestly because I like you.

This would be so much easier if he had someone to talk about it to, but he didn’t. Nobody knew he liked TJ, and a lot of other people didn’t even know he was gay. Buffy and Andi were doing their own things with their boys, and Cyrus was busy slouching over a boy he never had.

For a moment, he wondered if TJ was even worth the mourning over. But he decided he was just going to let himself be sad for as long as he needed. It might’ve just been him, but Cyrus felt like there was something there, always leading him on. TJ Kippen led him on, and he couldn’t even get angry at him over it because it could also be just be him being analytical.

Boys were complicated.

Cyrus reached out for his phone, subconsciously wishing that he’d find a notification from TJ. A Snapchat even if their streak was dead. Some random meme on Twitter. Anything to let Cyrus know that the situation wasn’t as bad as he was making it out to be.

But there was nothing.

TJ was sitting down on Amber’s bed, doing homework in silence with her. He was hoping she didn’t bring anything up about Cyrus while he was in the zone with math. His tutor give him a few tips for doing homework, and it helped him out a lot.

As he was going through his problems for revision, Amber suddenly gasped, making him jump.

“What the heck, Amber?” TJ frowned.

“You’re not mad at Cyrus because he was being nosy or whatever you call it,” Amber smirked, “you’re scared of the conversation that’s going to come up.” TJ was lost.

TJ raised an eyebrow at his sister, “What conversation?”

“The one about the almost kiss,” she whispered, eyeing the shut door. Their parents were both at work, but it was a force of habit.

“That doesn’t even matter, Amber,” TJ crossed his arms, looking away from his sister. “You can’t talk about something that didn’t happen.”

“You talk about being mad at Cyrus,” she teased. TJ glared at her before shutting his notebook and shoving his it along with his papers in his backpack. “TJ,” she whined. “I just want you to be happy.”

“It’s not going to be with Cyrus,” TJ chewed out as he jumped off her bed, storming out the door. TJ went into his room, closing his door behind him and throwing his half open backpack on his bed. He didn’t even realize Macaroni was there until he hissed at him for almost hitting him. “Sorry,” he found himself muttering to the cat. He sat down in his desk chair and turned on his computer, going directly to Spotify.

Cyrus was still listed under friend activity, and it showed that he was listening to TJ’s “Simpin’ Songs” playlist. TJ resisted the urge to make the playlists private again and instead closed Spotify to open the Lonely Hours folder on his computer.

I'm nobody's baby

I wonder why

Each night and day I pray the Lord up above

Please send me down somebody to love

TJ got up and walked over to his bed. Macarani let out a hiss, but he grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and moved him to the end of the bed. TJ crawled on and opened his backpack to resume his homework. He looked at his phone, the only notifications from the basketball team group chat. He swiped them out before immersing himself in math.

But nobody wants me

I'm blue somehow

Won't someone hear my plea and take a chance with me

Because I'm nobody's baby now

Only a few problems in, TJ couldn’t help but look over at his bookshelf full of vinyl players. He looked at the upper corner where he had a Vic Damone vinyl at the very edge, covering a well-hidden polaroid photo. He didn’t want to throw it away, so he stuffed it somewhere he didn’t look very often. He found himself staring there every other minute.

Nobody's baby

And I've got to know the reason why

Last week I was walking down the street and met a boy and I said

"Hey! Maybe I was meant for you"

But he only shook his head and said "Goodbye"

He kept on walking down the avenue

TJ noticed his door slightly opening, Amber peaking her head in. Macaroni let out a mew as he recognized her. “You could be his baby,” she joked. TJ pretended to go back to his problem as Amber walked in.

“Are you mad at me?” she asked him, sitting down at his desk chair.

“No,” TJ told her, shaking his head. “I just don’t want to talk about Cyrus.”

“You’re going to have to do it eventually.”

“No because I don’t want to.”

“TJ, you still like him,” Amber reminded him, “it’s not like all of your feelings went away just because you got mad at him once.”

“They could have,” TJ stubbornly muttered.

“They didn’t,” Amber said, completely sure of herself. Her and TJ stayed silent for a moment, not really looking at each other. “Don’t let Cyrus go over something this small, TJ. He cares so much about you.”

“Sounds like a personal problem.”

“Excuse me?” Amber rolled her eyes. “Am I talking to the old TJ? Because the old TJ didn’t care about anyone but himself. If I remember correctly, it was Cyrus who brought out this wonderful side of TJ .”

“Well, he’s dead now,” TJ started biting at the end of the pencil.

“Why are you being so stubborn?” Amber sighed, laying down on the end of the bed next to Macaroni. TJ didn’t reply. He didn’t have an answer for her. “You’re allowed to stop being mad at someone, TJ. We’re both not mad at dad anymore.” TJ looked at the shelf again and then looked up his ceiling where he missed Cyrus’ photo. He’d never say that, though. At least not right now.

“Just let me cool off,” TJ mumbled. “I feel like if I talk to him now I’m going to say things I’ll regret. Then I really won’t be able to fix it.”

“You have until the end of this week before I invite him over myself,” Amber propped herself up on her elbow. TJ rolled his eyes and went back to doing his work. On the inside, he didn’t know where he’d be without Amber.

Every day that TJ had tutoring, Cyrus would wait outside for him. Every day, TJ had walked by him without even acknowledging that he was there. Cyrus knew that TJ saw him, so he very well knew that TJ didn’t even want to look at him. Was he really that ugly up close? Cyrus had been going to the swings every day afterwards, singing his little song to feel better. It only helped a little, and the effects wore off once he got home to his journal.

Buffy and Andi still didn’t know that something was bothering him, and he didn’t know who to talk about things about. He had wanted to send TJ so many “how it’s made” videos within the past few days but found himself unable to. He was convinced TJ hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. He felt stupid for even thinking that for a moment in time, TJ could like him.

That Friday, Mrs. Pierson had made everyone partner up and once again, he got stuck with Jonah as TJ went with Lizzy Larson. She was pretty, and Cyrus hated it. He didn’t hate her. He just hated the nasty feelings that came with the idea of TJ holding someone else’s hand. It really threw him off guard, and he and Jonah lost the Kahoot game. He tried to catch TJ’s eyes a couple of times, but he kept laughing with Lizzy about who knows what, making him feel completely sad.

He felt done for the day after math, and he was ready to go home. Of course, like always, the universe had other plans to make him feel like crap. He still had to go help Buffy at the basketball team tryouts even if he just wanted to go home and make himself cry.

“Hey, Cyrus,” Buffy waved at him as he walked into the gym.

“He-,” Cyrus stopped himself as he noticed TJ talking to some of the basketball girls behind Buffy. TJ saw Cyrus with the corner of his eye and quickly turned his neck to see him. Both of the boys had frowns on their faces.

“What’s wrong?” Buffy looked between Cyrus and TJ. Neither of them said anything, the conversation between the basketball girls filling the space of the gym. Still, TJ and Cyrus remained silent, only staring at each other. The other girls started to noticed, freaking out Buffy. Buffy walked over to TJ and dragged him over by the arm to Cyrus. She whispered to them, “What’s going on? Am I missing something?”

“I didn’t think you’d bring Cyrus,” TJ looked up at the ceiling, his lips forming into a thin line. TJ was refusing to look at him, and it made Cyrus’ eyes burn with tears. Cyrus stared at him, mouth agape. Did he really resent him that much?

“I’m just gonna go,” Cyrus whispered before running out, the gym doors closing behind him.

Super sloppy chapter, but it’s done! It’s technically Friday but shhhhh. It’s okay. Thank you so much for all the positive comments by the way. I’m honestly running out of ways to say thank you because everyone is so nice to me, and you’re all beautiful people and you’re all so nice and idk how to thank you guys anymore ;-;

Anyways, DON’T FORGET TO VOTE IF YOU CAN! Luke and Josh’s RESIST = VOTE photo is my lockscreen until Nov 7 lmao.

Hugs and kisses, Star

Tag List: @the-greatt-perhaps@thedampjofangirl@evaloveschristmas@musicalsfuckmeup@stupidlambforever @tyrushgoodman @cxrus-kippen@aestheticfairytaleprincess @cheesystars@tyronius-jackson-kippen @lihyry@rbf-lesbian @idk-i-stan-things @caprisunandcookiedoug

If I missed you, I’m so sorry. Please let me know if you want to get added or removed.

#stars writing #andi mack #tyrus #tj kippen #cyrus goodman #tjs playlist

235 notes · View notes

kidrat · 5 years

Text

hello I want to talk a bit about some experiences I’ve had that could potentially be autistic stuff, mostly times when I could have gone nonverbal but I’m not sure if it counts but maybe some other little stuff too? partly just to put it in words for myself but if people wanted to comment on stuff that would be cool I know I have a few autistic followers/mutuals through cosmere and stuff.

ANYWAY my experience with what I Think going may be going nonverbal is p limited because it’s only happened like four or five times and only since I was like fourteen/fifteen (which already is why I’m not sure if it counts? though I’ve heard sometimes the stress of a new Layer of life stress can make you like, show more symptoms idk.) The first time it happened was just after my year ten mock exams (I struggle with mental health a lot just post exams), and after that I remember 2) on a holiday (I struggle with those for multiple reasons), 3) in school after a teacher tried to dissuade me from dropping a subject, 4) maybe two or three times that have merged together because I was always on the sofa with my mum trying to comfort me, less sure of causes.

What happens is, I have that last straw moment where everything is Too Much emotionally, and then I cry very hard, like Violently and scarily (like scary to me because of intensity) I would say. (If I had to give this Thing a name I just say I freaked out. It’s definitely not panic attacks because those feel far more physical for me, whether hyperventilating or shaking) This can happen on its own but can also develop, and one of the next stages is often than once I’ve come down from the crying (and during, potentially) I find it very hard to look at faces. I tend to find this tiring anyway when angry/sad/bored etc. But rather than just having to stare over people’s shoulders, in this kind of situation I have to look at the floor or something because faces are too much. I don’t know what it would be like if I did look at a face at this point? From there I normally can speak but sometimes it gets into what I believe may be me going nonverbal.

It’s very hard to explain what this ‘inability’ or unwillingness to speak Feels like. I’ve heard people say about going nonverbal that it feels like their throat/mouth is sealed up? And they can’t force words out? For me it feels more like a very fine line between not wanting to and not being able to voice my thoughts. and like at the point it’s at, it doesn’t matter which because it’s too tiring to speak if I even could. Like it’s less a physical feeling and more emotional. This hasn’t happened for a while but I think occasionally I’ve been able to answer yes/no type questions and that kind of thing? So I’d say it’s less speaking is the issue and more spontaneous speech? A bit like when I’m depressed and I can’t start things and I’ll just be waiting for some maybe nonexistent force to make to just Do The Thing except here I’m just, waiting on myself to start speaking.

Maybe it’s also worth noting that this behaviour seems to have weirded out/confused the people around me? For instance my mum has got very worried about me after most of these situations and/or been frustrated when I couldn’t verbalise why I was upset (ie. she’d repeatedly ask what’s wrong and get upset herself when I couldn’t answer. Which then made me more stressed though I don’t blame her being scared because I also, was scared.) Specifically when I freaked out on the holiday I remember I locked myself in the bathroom to recover when she left the room. For me this made complete sense because I knew I needed silence, privacy, and somewhere to pace a bit and to splash cool water on my face but she was scared and seemed to need to hear me say something. I remember blowing my nose loudly to let her know I was in there? Which does imply that yeah, thought I can’t remember how the not speaking felt it was probably involuntary. I’ve also had teachers annoyed that I wouldn’t reply to them.

so. yeah that’s what’s up? tldr in some of my most stressed moments I’ve experienced something distinct from a panic attack or regular cry that has involved difficulty or unwillingness to talk and has seemed strange to others.

I’m also wondering if anyone has input on sensory issues and social issues. Specifically about sensory issues I wondered if its possible to not notice them so much if you avoid certain things? For instance I just don’t wear stuff that is made of certain materials or tight around my legs or forearms, but when I do it seems to contribute to any tiredness I feel. So could for example not having many of those things in my wardrobe make me appear not to struggle so much? (and like etc. with other senses) Also while I don’t think I struggle to navigate social situations much (though I do find less point in some social stuff than other people), but they do tire me out to an extent beyond normal introversion. For example just existing in a public space can sap some energy, so if I’m at school all day I’ll be anxious about going out with my friends afterwards because I know I just won’t have the energy for. but like specifically the social energy. This comes and goes and can depend on how tired I am anyway or how I’ll have to socialise but idk does it count I guess.

That got long, I’m very sorry but I guess there’s my questions? maybe don’t reblog if you have something helpful to say because this stuff feels v private and while I’m fine with people seeing it I don’t want it spread around. I’d be very grateful if people did have advice tho.

#hhhh #mine #quest for knowledge versus the terror of Being Known #i hate balancing on a weird line between 'im overthinking all this' and like #'ok but it has to mean something'#do/nt reb/log #long post #HHHHHHH #also if ii delete this in like two seconds then again its Fear

19 notes · View notes