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mikasa-last-hope · 2 years

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If you collect all the reasons why you like rivamika?

Thank you for your question, Anon 😉

I hope there won't be too many spelling mistakes!

[MANGA SPOILER]

Make me like Levi.

Perhaps an original reason but a Rivamika scene made me like Levi. Yeah… when I started AOT, I didn't do shipping and I didn't like Levi. For me, he was just another badass character, cold, who did not express any emotion. Typical shonen character, seen and reviewed. How boring.

Then, I bought AOT volumes in colossal edition and I reread the manga. (side note : The colossal edition is super cool because the panels are obviously bigger and the paper is smoother and whiter, I find this edition more qualitative so I recommend!) So, I reach the chapter 30, the first real interaction between Levi and Mikasa and I see this panels in a very big format :

I can't really explain it well, but something clicked in me when I finally saw some real expressions on Levi's face. From that moment I got interested in him and started to like him, then discover that contrary to what I thought at the beginning Levi was a character with an interesting psyche and background. (Although I think it's a pity that Isayama didn't exploit it further… But it' s also the manga format that wants that, it's more limited than a novel.) He's a gray character who can be capable of committing heroic acts as well as terrible and even vicious things. He's a character that is very interesting to analyze and to write about. In the end, he became my favorite.

Levi's discreet interest in Mikasa.

I like how Mikasa managed to pique Levi's interest. I always found that sometimes she was ignored or put aside by her own friends so I really appreciate the fact that someone paid attention to her and is concerned about her.

Then, there are his stares on Mikasa and speechless!Levi :

Levi wants to give meaning to all the sacrifices that have been made. Without it, all the people he lost will have died for nothing. It's personal but at the same time it gives him a selfless side, which closes him off a bit in a rather heroic character despite his flaws and his darkness. So it gives me the impression that we are dealing with "Captain Levi" most of the time, a closed person who is only interested in what might serve his noble cause. But his interest in Mikasa, although it's a bit professional, also seems rather personal, an interest he has as just Levi, as a person.

And, with Mikasa, Levi seems to be more reserved and hesitant, which deepens his character and makes him more approachable than an always charismatic and confident "Captain Levi".

The evolution of Mikasa : from hostility to trust and care.

Mikasa with Levi goes from this :

to this :

Mikasa doesn't like Levi at first, at least not since the court. But as time goes by, there is a real evolution of her opinion about him. Even though she still holds a small grudge against him, I still feel that she realizes that he isn't as bad and evil as she thought. She saw the "bad" sides of Levi first but ends up seeing his good sides later. She learns to respect him, follow his orders and trust him.

There is a real positive development that has been done (although in my opinion it has not been sufficiently exploited) and which shows that Mikasa is capable of questioning herself and revising her opinion.

Their interactions with each other.

Their interactions are really nice to see and read. They're both my favorite characters and I ship them together so of course I love the scenes they have together and I probably have a biased view because of that but… I still feel that there is a kind of special atmosphere between them. I can't put words to it, but it's like there's something deep and latent. It's more obvious in the manga, but there's almost always a game of looks between them :

⬆ Here, I really like the focus that tightens on Mikasa's eyes.

⬆ The way Mikasa turns her eyes on Levi… the way there is once again a tight focus on her eyes gives it a more intensity/meaning to them. And Levi seems to turn his away as if he's uncomfortable with it whereas he's usually the first to stare at people…

⬆ This page is simply amazing. No text, just looks. I don't know what Isayama wanted to show here, but I feel like Levi see Mikasa's distress and is surprised and confused? I would really like to know what Levi is thinking at that moment. Because right before the frame on Levi's eyes, there is Mikasa's face from his perspective. So I think I'm being reasonable in saying that it's more Mikasa's expression and tears than the fact that she draws her sword that surprises him. I think it might be because he is surprised that Mikasa cared about someone else than Eren to the point of drawing her blade?

⬇ And it's during one of their interactions that we learn a little more about each other :

So I find that this mix adds a certain personal dimension and intimacy to their interactions.

Their dynamic.

He is Humanity's Strongest Soldier. She is the Woman Who Worth Hundred Soldiers. So if they team up, we have the right to have high expectations. And they don't disappoint. They have a confidence in each other's abilities that allows them to fight on their own without having to worry about the other, but ready to intervene for the other if necessary. Even though it wasn't shown much, they can really ally themselves and synchronize like in the uprising arc and especially at the very end, against Eren. Alone, they are strong. Together, they look unstoppable.

I liked when Mikasa was kind of Levi's right-hand soldier. I think it suits her, I would have liked to see her more in this role. It would have allowed her to learn the importance of responsibility, to put forward other of her qualities than her fighting skills. Mikasa is smart, works well and I think she knows how to anticipate the needs of others. And not being afraid of Levi, she could have told him when he was too harsh but at the same time "defend" him to her comrades because she is the one more able to understand and accept the drastic orders that Levi can give. A conciliatory role to improve understanding and cohesion between Levi and his squad. We saw all of this in the uprising arc, admittedly rather superficially, but I really enjoyed it.

I also find that Levi and Mikasa have a bit of a "Mentor and Protégée" dynamic. I always thought that Levi was trying to pass on/teach something to Mikasa. In the forest of giant trees, he tells her to not lose sight of their objective, unless satisfying her own desires overrides that. Later, he tells her to control her emotions for not mess up again. In the Uprising Arc (manga), he orders her to kill the enemies when she can, it may be an order but it’s mostly a survival advice, I think. In Season 3 part 1, he tells her that humans will also be their enemies and asks her to pass on the message to her comrades, he warns her and her friends by saying this. He asks her to calm down a few times and explains quickly why rushing is not the right thing to do.

But beyond the dynamics of "Superior and subordinate" and "Mentor and Protégée" which are professional. Levi and Mikasa also have in my eyes a certain dynamic on a more personal level : Levi see Mikasa for what she is not more not less. Although he is aware of her abilities, he doesn't mystify or belittle her. Besides, Mikasa seems more natural and herself with Levi than with the others. She has no filter, she isn't afraid to say and do what she really thinks. I find that she has a freedom with him that she doesn't have with anyone else.

As for Levi, he is still himself, Mikasa or not. However I find that he picks up in his rough way of talking when she is around surely because she tends to react. He takes his time more when he speaks to her as if he is uncertain and hesitant when usually he is very direct. To be honest, I don't know if it's because there's something about Mikasa that really makes him unsure or if it's because he knows that she's reluctant towards him and if he doesn't tone down his harshness the message won't get through as well as with the others.

There has always been an honesty between them that makes their dynamic natural, balanced and doesn't feel forced. We go from a somewhat reluctant association (on Mikasa's side) to a functional team. Obviously, it's not always perfect, but it only makes their dynamic more realistic. They don't always agree, but they talk about it, argue, try to make the other see their point of view. They are honest with each other, not afraid to tell the truth to each other and this is a good thing for me.

Rivamika is also a ship that is eligible for the romantic dynamic of "the man who looks at the girl from afar, not letting his feelings get in the way of her happiness and the girl who is in denial and not wanting to acknowledge her feelings for X reasons (bad love history, blind love for someone else)". For example, I have in mind this scene from "No string attached" for the dynamic I'm talking about (starting at 50 seconds for what I want to explain) :

youtube

It's not for the dialogue or for the characters' personality that I give this scene as an example, although "I don't need you to take care of me. I take care of myself. That's what I do." fits pretty well for a line from Mikasa to Levi (and I will pay good money to see and hear Levi tell Mikasa that she fights like a hamster!) However, it's more about the idea of the confident guy and the girl in denial… The way the girl's first instinct is to lash out at the guy and, him, just stays chill, ironic, cynical... Familiar, isn't it?

They could be beneficial to each other.

Maybe that's why I shipped them together in the first place. I really think they could have been beneficial to each other.

Levi has suffered a lot. I feel sorry for him when I started to like him so I wished he had someone to really care for him. And Mikasa takes care of others, sometimes in a rough way but she also knows how to show an incredible sweetness. And it's some of that sweetness that I want for Levi.

There is also the fact that I think Levi feels apart and I believe that Mikasa can really understand him because they share certain personality traits, have certain events in their past that are similar. Levi could find an understanding and compassion from Mikasa that he cannot find from anyone else.

Mikasa seems a bit lonely too. Not like Levi seem to be, I have the impression that she's sometimes put aside by the others without them doing it intentionally and she tend to self-effacing too. But Levi, when she speaks, he listens and don't interrupt her... I think that he could give her the right attention and respect she needs to be more confident. (Yes, for me Mikasa lacks confidence in herself, that's the reason why she believes so easily Eren when he says he hates her, it's not a lack of trust in Eren but in herself.)

And as they remain two individuals, with two different personalities despite some common points, they sometimes have disagreements as we have already seen in the manga. But this is not necessarily a bad thing. It allow them to question themselves and to evolve individually in a positive way.

Rivamika is bold.

Rivamika or any other ship than Eremika would have been more audacious, "artistically" speaking. Main characters who love each other romantically? Super original, we never saw that… I've always hoped Isayama would go beyond the standard in this matter (He did it a bit by killing Eren before he could be with Mikasa, I admit.). I was hoping he wouldn't make a romance between Eren and Mikasa, because I wanted something different and original, to show other kind of love than the romantic one. To show that people can be very important without it being romantic, it would have been more and really interesting... too bad.

But at the same time and to be honest, I like AOT as it is, I accept Eremika and understand what it brings to the story. I didn't read the manga for the romance but for the universe, the suspense, the survival story, the characters…etc. But I also see Isayama's work as an incredible support for the imagination, a nice base, good characters with which we can invent, build or deepen the relationships between them.

I am aware that Rivamika is also controversial. This is also why I say Rivamika is bold. It's a ship that has negative labels so it should be handled with caution. But there is nothing that is really an obstacle, if you think about it a little, nothing that can't be swept away with logic, facts and an open mind, but above all a distance to have when it comes to fictional characters in a fictional story, in a world that is not ours and in a time apparently prior to ours. (I won't debate it here because it's not the subject and I will only make an already long post heavier. If you are interested in my opinion, ask and I will try to make a post dedicated to this subject.)

Rivamika is the ship that inspires me the most to read or write about the development of a relationship. There is a real potential to exploit, a story to tell with twists and stakes.

They look good together.

Yes, I know it's a superficial reason, but I can't help but find that there's a certain flow that comes off of them when I see them together. It's a matter of taste.

Here are some examples to illustrate what I mean :

Manga :

Anime :

Official Art :

Fanart :

Fanart by PNR Phit chan

#rivamika #levimika #my asks

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timandlucy · 8 months

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Everything with a 4, pluuuuuuuus... hmm.. 7, 13, 20, 27, 35, 56, 68 😘

4. Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

They literally come to me all the time. I get most of them in the show or when I'm driving to and from work, or walking to work. I literally have too many ideas for my own good.

14. how do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel? Do you draw from personal experiences?

Absolutely, always! I always cry during the most emotional scenes because I definitely make myself feel whatever the character is supposed to be feeling.

24. Worst writing advice anyone ever gave you?

I don't remember really any advice that was super bad, but someone once told me to edit as I go, and like... wrong.

34. Five years from now, where do you see yourself as a writer?

I'd like to see if I can eventually write a book and get it published, so five years seems like a reasonable timeline.

40. If someone were to make fanart of your work, what fic or scene would you hope to see?

Oh man! I'd literally love it for anything, I don't even care. How awesome would my fic inspiring further art be. But let's just say I'm currently writing something I'd love it for.

41. Do you tend to reread fics or are you a one-and-done kind of person?

I re-read fics all the time!

42. What’s the last fic you read? Do you recommend it?

So I recently read right then your eyes were healing by @thatiranianphantom and it hit all the sweet post finale nace spots for me! It's been an incredibly busy week at work (bts season), so I'm looking forward to catching up with all the nace fics over the weekend.

43. Do you take a sadistic joy in whumping your characters, or are you more the "If you hurt them I would kill everyone and then myself" kind of person?

Yeah I like writing angst, so I like to hurt them, but mostly emotionally. Like I don't enjoy them being too injured hahaha.

44. What mistakes do you keep making no matter how many times your beta corrects you?

Um. You'd know that better than me? But like, I think, using certain words, over and over again.... Like using press 6 times in one paragraph. Also I can't spell seargent.

45. Do you want to break your readers‘ heart or make them laugh?

Ideally both, but yeah let's go with breaking their hearts hehe.

46. How would you describe your style? (Character/emotion/action-driven, etc)

I'd say it's a mix of all of them, but maybe less action driven, because I can't be bothered with actual plot usually.

47. How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

A lot of times usually. But sometimes I will be soooo sick of looking at it, I won't even read through and send it to you ma'am.

48. What do you look for in a beta?

Nothing, because I already found all of it in you!

49. Do you ever get rude reviews and how do you deal with them?

Not lately, but when I wrote for Linstead fandom I got some pretty nasty anons. I mostly just cry.

54. What’s your favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

The feeling when you finish it and post it and it feels so.... accomplished. Like I made a thing. How cool is that. Of course right after it's like "what if the thing I made sucks".

64. Something you love to see in smut.

Some against the wall action... gimme.

74. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

Nothing! I'm a pretty basic bitch. No special style or anything.

7. How do you choose which POV to write from?

Well 1st pov is a big NO. 2nd pov is an even biggest NO NO. So that leaves 3rd person pov. Easy.

13. what’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow?

One that constantly lives in my head is the best piece of writing advice I've gotten: "you can't edit an empty page." Write, even if it sucks, you can edit later. But you can't edit if you don't write anything.

20. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

I use "murmur" a lot, it's one of my favorite words to use in writing. Like how soft is this word. I like to write domestic scenes, small moments that have a lot of meaning, missing scenes that can easily fit in with the canon episodes.

27. What is your most and least favorite part of writing?

Most favorite - the feeling of accomplishment when I write something. Least favorite - seeking external validation and crumbling if I don't get it.

35. What is one essential thing to remember when writing a villain?

I think every villain should be relatable and readers should even be able to empathize with them.

56. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

@queseraone I hate you for this question alone. I pride myself on my amazing beta. How about that. But really if I had to pick a think, I guess I feel my dialogue usually sounds kind of genuine and not forced or unnatural.

68. What, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

I talk to my best friend and beta. Rewatch original content. Fanmade videos always give me great inspiration as well! Or even other fics :)

I was just kidding, I don't actually hate you. Thanks for this!

#writing #fanfiction #ask games #queseraone

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stealthnoodle · 1 year

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Genuine question, how do you improve your fanfiction writing skills? I got a new special interest recently and I want to write about it. I haven't worked on anything in a decade and it feels like my skills have regressed. I miss writing fanfiction (especially femslash) so much and I want to get back into it.

There are probably as many different approaches to this are there are people who write, but here's what works for me!

One thing I do think is universally true is that the only way to get better is to keep putting words down, even if you're frustrated by the quality of them. (And it is so frustrating to come back to writing after a long break and feel like you've forgotten how to string words together. I have been there! It's the worst!) So Step One, I think, is to figure out what you need to do to make it easier to brain dump. Skip over scenes you're not in the mood to write. Use placeholders like "[Witty reply]" or "[does something to show she's angry]" if you get stuck. Don't worry about using too many adverbs or repeating yourself.

If you're someone who struggles with anxiety when you sit down to write (hi, it's me), take steps to relax yourself so that your brain's filter won't get in the way too much. Maybe you put on some motivating music. Maybe you exercise your way into some endorphins first. Maybe you're me and you've mastered getting high enough to chill out without chilling out so hard you end up staring at the ceiling for an hour. "Write drunk, edit sober" doesn't have to be literal advice, but I like the spirit of it.

Once you've got a bunch of words to work with, pat yourself on the back! Maybe later you can revise your brain dump into something you want to show other people. Maybe you hate it and just want to do an autopsy to understand why. Either way, you've done something valuable just by getting those words out. Go through them and make notes, even if your notes are as vague as "This character's voice sounds a little off" or "This scene doesn't fit here." I like to highlight chunks of text I feel especially iffy about in green. And on the flip side, even the biggest mess is probably going to have something you like enough to repurpose somewhere else. I write in Scrivener, and all of my projects have a "Bits and Scraps" file for this purpose. 10/10, would recommend.

Speaking of which, "Kill your darlings" is terrible advice. Stash your darlings away for later. I have written a truly ridiculous number of words that never ended up turning into a story I could be satisfied with, and being able to reframe my thinking from "Ugh, what a waste of effort" to "Wow, that was a lot of great practice, and now I've got a document full of turns of phrase and jokes and plot points I can recycle" has made a huge difference for me.

My other tip is to spend time deconstructing other people's writing in your brain to understand why it works. Some people don't enjoy doing this when they're reading for fun, and they're probably better off trying this on a reread; I am the kind of weirdo who will stop in delight when I come across something I find effective and rotate it in my mind like a 3-D Tetris block. (As a messy bitch who loves writing out of sequence, I'm always on the lookout for especially smooth pacing and transitions that I can try to emulate.) When you read fics with characterizations that you like, try comparing the characters' speech and actions to their canon selves and see if you can trace how the author extrapolated from them; when you read fics with characterizations you don't like, see if you can articulate to yourself why they feel off to you.

Hopefully at least some of that wall of text is helpful, lol. Good luck, anon! I am rooting for you to make the girls kiss!

#writing #and most of all: write what you want to read!#write self-indulgent stories and post them so other people can indulge too #that's the joy of fanfiction #bonus tip: sex scenes and fight scenes are fundamentally the same kind of scene and if you can write one you can write the other!#i was going to say the biggest difference is how likely the participants are to be having a good time but that's VERY character-dependent

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ndostairlyrium · 11 months

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10 things about me 🍰

Tagged by @greypetrel @shivunin @idolsgf and @demandthedoodles 💛 thanks guys for the free therapy session! ;u;

1 - Sometimes I feel like I don't have a personality, just coping mechanisms and a whole lot of reactions caused by anxiety, which is one of the reasons why I started therapy. Apparently I need to just sit down and ask myself "what do you need now / in general?" and it's helping me finding out who is the person I'm wearing << she's kind of an idiot but I'm starting to like her the more I connect to her.

2 - Huge cat person. They're the most communicative beings on earth, they have social cues and a plethora of personalities. Did you know they evolved to mimick the cry of human babies to attract our attention? They have a special "meow", basically. When they do that, we immediately turn our attention to them because our preservation instincts kick in and we're forced to respond. I just love cats so much omg 💛

3 - I can't remember shit, really. It's either a problem or a funny thing because my memory is very selective for no reason lol I know that you hate peas but I can't remember if you needed a lift to the airport or a pack of crackers when we talked yesterday. But when something negative happens... ooohboi! I'll somatize that for years and would remember every single detail, even the color of the sky in that specific moment.

4 - Never tell me that The Divine Comedy is a fanfiction. That's a major turn off. It's one of those things I take very seriously, tbh <<

5 - I don't vibe with horses lol I befriended a horsie called Carrot when I was 7 and horse riding was one of my favorite things ever, until the guy made me fly to the ground because something scared him :' I don't really blame him, but it was a painful experience - hopefully for me only. I tried to connect with other horsies later on but it never worked out.

6 - I horribly love chocolate based desserts. Big faves are sachertorte (of course lol), tiramisù, millefoglie (it's a layered cake with custard/chocolate ganache and puff pastry), and everything that comes with chocolate ganache. Carnival fritters give me so much joy too! Last time I had those I almost wept because they were so good lmao

7 - I really enjoy weird Medieval guys, the miniature style critters you could find on tomes. I'm fairly obsessed with them because they're so stylistically elegant but so dumb to look at 💛 A new addiction I found out I have is looking for creepy looking baby jesuses on Medieval and Renaissance paintings whenever I visit an exposition.

I mean... Doesn't he make you laugh? He's glorious!! A Unit™

Also HIM! The lovechild of Billy Crystal and Tim Curry 💛 yes I have more, yes I will post my collection somewhere <<

8 - I never had bubble tea, but I will - once I gather enough confidence to try this cute Japanese bar that opened around here << they have like 50 different options and options make me feel like I'm in front of an audience ready to hit me with rotten fruits. Hopefully it's worth it? Lol

9 - My body refuses liquorice. I thought I was allergic but you can't be allergic to liquorice apparently. But like, hear me out, whenever I ate it, I got the most horrific allergic reactions, no kidding! Even its smell, or a smell close to that makes me wanna run as distant as I can because my skin reacts to it o-o

10 - I did write more than 5 long fics (not counting one shots) in a span of 10 years, which they say it's impressive, considering the amount of chapters and the multiple revisions I always do. I tend to be overly critical when it comes to my writings, so I tend to avoid rereading what I do, except for my second mass effect fic about the Lazarus project, "In A Moment", which I'm very proud of. It's a "what if Shepard asked herself how she came back and if she really came back before the events of me3? And what would her reaction be if she found out reapers' tech was involved in her comeback?" kind of fic. Spoiler: she didn't take it well. I couldn't find anything like that in the mass effect section of the site I publish my stuff in, so I wrote it myself lol it's in my native language tho .-. Hopefully one day I'll find an editor and a translator to cover in money

No I'm not dense, it's just an impression << whoops! Sorry!

And since even my grandma got tagged in this, I'm tagging automatically whoever feels like doing it lol

#long post #10 things about me #tag meme #not dragon age #when things get too personal talk about cakes! and silly looking baby jesuseses

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juniperusashei · 1 year

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His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman - 5/5

It’s hard to articulate why this series is so special to me. I told myself, this time I wouldn’t cry at the end of The Amber Spyglass! And yet, embarrassingly, I found myself in tears clutching my cat (coincidentally named Amber)… The second time around, I can easily say that His Dark Materials is the best fantasy series in existence.

When I was 10 or 11, I was absolutely charmed by the first book, Northern Lights (though I actually think the US title The Golden Compass makes more sense, in light of the objects-as-titles naming scheme) but I never really read beyond it. It wasn’t until my first year of college, one of the hardest periods of my life, that I read the entire series, and it affected me so deeply that I attribute it (along with other books like Murakami’s Sputnik Sweetheart that I was reading at the time and are now my favorites) with affecting the course of my life. I don’t want to get too personal with the details, but it’s very dear to me.

When the 2007 film adaptation dropped, I was sorely disappointed due to the revised ending, so I was very excited for the most recent TV adaptation by HBO. The first season charmed me, but I found the second bloated and mostly filler. Season 3 comes out in just a few days, so even though I think the trailer looks sterile like a Marvel movie, I will surely be watching it. I didn’t want to rewatch the first two seasons though, which is why I reread the first two books instead, and I got so caught up in the narrative that I went ahead and read the third as well. I think it’s an absolute artistic crime that Studio Ghibli was not hired to adapt this series, because it’s the closest literary equivalent to their work — talking animals, a spunky girl protagonist, witches, and lots of flying machines.

So what did I think of the actual book? It’s stereotyped as ‘baby’s first atheism book’ but the philosophical depth is uncommon because it actually managed to make nihilism look like the most optimistic choice (something my Christian friend called the edgiest nihilism). It’s funny to me that only the first book attracted ire from evangelicals, because the first book is largely a metaphor for the Catholic sex abuse scandals, and Pullman doesn’t get into the metaphysical until books 2 and 3. Aside from the philosophical aspects, it’s such an addicting world, one that I feel compelled to come back to time and time again even though none of the supplemental material has been very good.

I was also excited about the new copy I ordered, from Everyman’s Library. I had a ratty old omnibus and wanted something nicer, and the extremely expensive Folio Society editions looked so cheap to me! The Everyman’s binding looks elegant in its minimalist red and black, and most importantly, the book stays open on its own. There’s a sewn-in bookmark as well, and it feels like a very elevated reading experience. At over 1000 pages, the paper they used is thin, translucent “bible paper” which is a potentially unavoidable drawback, and I wished there were illustrations, but overall this is the nicest looking copy I’ve found. It’s an apt time to reread it — my earliest memory of the series is reading it at a family Thanksgiving years ago. All my cousins had ganged up on me for one reason or another, so I, distraught, sought refuge in my grandmother’s room, and read as she protected me. Fitting that one of my favorite books should be associated so strongly with one of my favorite memories.

#his dark materials #Philip Pullman #5 #november 2022 #2022 #top books

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collecting-stories · 4 years

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Temporary Love - Jess Mariano

A/N: Because I love Jess and I’ve been reading some Beats lately. Based on the song ‘Temporary Love’ by Ben Platt.

///

“Dear god, this is abhorrent.” You tossed the book across the desk to where Jess was sitting, revising the last few chapters of his latest novel.

“What did you get a dictionary for Christmas?” He joked, grabbing the book to see what you were reading. It was his Grove Press first edition of The Subterraneans. You’d gifted it to him for Christmas but now it was February and he had yet to get the opportunity to read it.

“You’re hilarious Jess.” You mocked, “it’s like pulling teeth. Has he never heard of a punctuation mark?”

“You say that like you didn’t read the edited and original scroll versions of On the Road back to back.” He remarked, tossing the book back to you before he could get sucked into reading. There was a lot of editing to be done on his own novel before he could think of picking up someone else’s.

“I was reading the Beats, what was I supposed to do, ignore On the Road?”

“Have you read Matt’s latest, he’s trying to stylise himself that way.” Jess mentioned.

“Not surprising. I think he’s hoping a counter-culture revolution will happen right here in Philly.” You replied, pulling papers out of your backpack. You had essays to grade and had only come by to bother your fiancé about the impending trip home to Connecticut. Which you had yet to do.

“Don’t be so cynical. It could happen.”

“Says the king of cynicism.”

“Ouch,” he laughed, grabbing at his chest, “you’ve really wounded me.”

“So,” you began to prepare to change the subject, almost laughing out loud when Jess put down his pen and leaned back in his chair, appraising you. It was a wonder that he could always tell you were about to say something he wasn’t particularly on board with hearing, “about the trip.”

“What about it?” He had asked you to go up with him for a visit to his uncle’s. He had mentioned to Luke that he was engaged and he wanted his uncle and you to meet. Though there was the matter of returning to Stars Hallow and Rory and Lorelai and everything else that small town Connecticut life had been.

“Well, you’ve been pretty evasive since you mentioned it.”

“What’s evasive about, ‘come home with me’?” Jess asked, refocusing on the manuscript in front of him.

“For starters, you’ve told me nothing about the town. Just that we leave on Friday and we’ll be back on Thursday.” You replied.

“That’s all you need to know.”

“Jess.” You reached across the desk and grabbed the pen from his hand. “Should I expect like a firing squad when I get in there or something?” You had no idea what to expect but you had read his first book and knew plenty about the girl and the life behind the inspiration. He had been still in love with Rory when he met you and that had been fine because you weren’t looking for a relationship. Now you were engaged though and despite the title and the ring on your finger there was still that feeling the bubbled up in your chest whenever you thought of the infamous Rory Gilmore. A stupid fleeting feeling that you wanted nothing to do with but one that existed nonetheless.

“You certainly are feeling dramatic tonight aren’t you?” He joked.

“I’m not being dramatic I’m just wondering...like? I haven’t met anyone from there before.” You replied.

“No one there matters aside from Luke.”

“Okay.”

You took the manuscript pages that Jess had already worked through, grabbing Matt’s green pen from his coffee mug and beginning to read. Your annotations were less grammatical corrections and more comments about things you liked or didn’t. You questioned subplots that felt messy and complimented his writing when you especially loved a part. Jess looked over the desk at you fondly.

There was a lot you already knew about his family but there were gaps in his stories, moments that he didn’t talk about. Sure, you had read his first book and you knew about Rory but not enough to really know her. It was like looking at a silhouette sometimes, you had the shape and the idea but nothing concrete. It didn’t implore the anxiety in you that you thought it would, that you sometimes felt it should. When you had first read the infamous book you weren’t dating and it didn’t matter to you that he seemed still so in love with this small town girl. When you reread it, later into the relationship, you expected that it would feel different but it didn’t. It felt just as beautiful as the first time, more so because you knew Jess so intimately now.

“Are you really worried about going to Stars Hallow?” Jess asked, breaking you from the rough draft of his book.

“No,” you shook your head, “I just feel like I should be.”

“Yeah, cause that makes sense.”

“I know I should be totally weirded out about going up there but I'm honestly okay with it. Kind of excited, honestly.” You mentioned. Truthfully you were excited. A peek into your boyfriend’s life before he was your boyfriend. “I’m not worried, I just wanna know something about it.”

“It’s small.” He replied.

“Wow, thank you. That really helps me.”

“Google it.”

“Jess,” you slumped back into your seat and groaned. He was going to be annoying about this trip, you knew that, and still you were surprised by it.

“There’s nothing special about it.”

“Except that it was your home for a significant few years.”

Jess nodded slowly. “What do you want me to tell you? Certainly wasn’t the worst time I ever had but it was no paradise either.”

“Well no, that’s living with me.” You gloated, smiling when the stoic editing face broke and he laughed.

“Oh yeah? I think that depends on your annotations.”

You shuffled the papers you were reading through into a stack and sat them on your lap, away from Jess. “You’ll see them when I’m finished.”

He watched you lean back in the chair again, papers on your lap as you read through the last pages of his most recent work. You chewed at the end of the red pen you had swiped of Matt’s desk and pulled the sleeves of your Venice Beach tourist sweatshirt down on your hands further. You had gotten it over Christmas, when the two of you had taken a roadtrip out to see his dad, Sasha, and Lily. You’d spent a glorious week getting to know every stray dog that hung around their bungalow and going to the beach. He had proposed on the last day there, rather spontaneously.

“I like this edit to chapter 10,” you mentioned, thumbing through the pages you had already put down so that you reread chapter 10 again now that you had decided you liked it.

“Thank god.” Jess replied, rolling his eyes. It sounded sarcastic but you knew better, a quick glance up found a soft, barely there smile on his face.

When he had met you he was still under the impression that no one would ever mean as much to him as Rory had. He was convinced that she was his one great love and no amount of other girlfriends or dates could change his mind about it. And then somewhere along the way you had weaseled yourself into his life so subtly and wonderfully Rory was just a memory. A great love, a first love, by not you. Not a best friend and a lover. She wasn’t the person he imagined making a life with anymore. You had filled that space, had taken up the room that Rory had left.

“I’m excited to meet Luke,” you said, eyes on the papers as you added comments and underlined favorite bits.

“It’s not a big deal.” Even though he said it both of you knew it wasn’t true. Luke had made a huge impact in his life and he cared about his uncle’s opinion. Even if he thought he hadn’t when he was younger he wasn’t that seventeen year old boy anymore trying to pretend he was cool. He knew who he was and who Luke was to him and he respected Luke. He wanted you and Luke to get along. To like each other.

“It is.” You replied, “will Liz be there?”

“I can’t stop her.”

“Hey, I love your mom, she’s so sweet.”

He hummed and nodded his head.

“Jess.”

“Yeah?” He asked, looking up at you. You were sitting there with your hands clasped over the papers, smiling at him.

“I love you.”

He ducked his head and smiled before looking back up at you, “love you too.”

Has anyone ever not been Team Jess? I’m rewatching now and sorry, he’s my favorite emotionally unavailable problematic boyfriend.

#jess mariano x reader #jess mariano imagine #jess mariano fanfic #jess mariano fanfiction #Gilmore girls imagine #Gilmore girls fanfic #Gilmore girls fanfiction #collecting stories imagine #cs discography series

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ashketchup119 · 3 years

Text

Musicality

Ok I LOVE this story!! I made a whole story based off a lil convo @jemtoka and I had, and I made oc’s based off each of us and went to town. It was very fun to write, and I got to combine my music knowledge with my writing skills.

Enjoy!

When Benji had first set out to find the ghost of Beethoven, he wasn’t actually sure that he’d be able to do it. His brother had once called him “all bite and no bark”, a reference to the fact that out of the four brothers, Benji had been the only one to not outgrow his infant habit of biting things- or people- when stressed. But in this situation, he definitely felt like he’d bitten off more than he could chew.

He absentmindedly chewed on his chewing necklace as he drafted a grant proposal with his friend, Mujika. Muji was drawing in a notebook, something for his art classes, though he looked up when prompted to review the words that had appeared on Benji’s screen. Muji had done his fair share of research, and though he did want to help with the writing of the research paper, it had been agreed that Benji was the more… academic writer. The two of them had met through social media a couple of years ago, and once they’d started direct messaging, had become close friends quickly through a mesh of shared interests, similar humor, and a half-baked scheme to take over the world.

Which led them here, to a table in the back of a 24-hour McDonalds, Benji chewing the head off a stiff chewable bat pendant and Muji using his nocturnal tendencies to do things like “make sure his friend drank water and didn’t forget that he was a person.”

“Fo you fink ish bit avou duh Immoruhl Bewuved ith done? Ish kinda duh hoh vashis of arr puhposal so…” Benji trailed off, jaw absentmindedly moving over the poor bat, whose head was holding on by sheer force of will to the rest of its body.

“What?” Muji asked. He did not speak bat-in-mouth.

Benji pulled the pendant out of his mouth with an audible pop. “Y’think this bit about the Immortal Beloved is finished? It’s like, the whole basis of our proposal n shit.”

He turned the laptop towards Muji, who closed his notebook, set it to the side, and pulled the laptop in front of him. He read it quietly, and Benji began to tap out the beat to the song playing on low volume in his earbuds. He began to hum, too, murmuring lyrics under his breath as he stared off into the distance.

“I think it looks good.” Muji finally replied, turning the laptop back toward Benji and grabbing his notebook again. “I can’t think of anything else we could add to that section.”

Benji gave a little half shrug. “I guess you’re right.”

The two of them once again worked in solitude, only broken by Benji ordering fries at about 1 AM. At 3, they decided to call it quits, though Benji seemed more wired than ever and voiced some apprehension about “going to sleep when there’s so much work to be done, Muji!” Muji chastised him slightly and promised that they could come back the next day- or rather, later that day- to finish up. There were only slight revisions to be done, then it could be sent off to the Music Master Scholars, an organization dedicated to the care and keeping of the ghosts widely considered Music Masters, which included household names like Mozart and Beethoven, but also lesser-known composers like Joseph Bologne and Francesca Caccini.

Ghosts were, of course, a commonplace occurrence, though one could theoretically live their life without interacting with one. That was rare, though; ghosts had a tendency to wander, though they could only appear in places that held significance to them in life and graveyards, but even living in a house increased the average person’s chances of encountering a ghost exponentially.

But these ghosts were special, because of the knowledge they possessed and the lives they’d lead. The Music Master Scholars were the only people in the world who both knew and had access to the location of every ghost, and to join their ranks, one had to find the location of one of the ‘hidden’ Music Masters- of which Beethoven was the most hidden. Their non-administrative members were unknown, but said to be most, if not all, of the foremost music scholars in the world. How could they not be, with the Masters themselves guiding their research?

Benji and Muji really, really wanted to be Music Master Scholars.

When he was 10, Benji had been given some sort of “young musician” scholarship to visit Europe for a month. He was a double bassist, a dying breed in the modern age, and the fact that he had progressed from monotonic exercises to Baroque sinfonias in the span of four months had impressed his teachers.

His parents had gone along, too, mostly because they knew their child, and Benji did have a propensity to get into trouble. Devil’s luck, his mother had tsked, and that had been that.

He’d managed to escape the group in the middle of a museum, though he didn’t wander far. He just wanted to look at everything without feeling like people were constantly breathing down his neck.

Well. HE didn’t consider “the park near the museum” to be far. His parents did, though, he found out later.

At the park, he found a man. Well, not a man. A ghost. The ghost was staring wistfully at the museum in the distance, and started when he noticed a small child staring at him.

“Hi! Who are you?” Benji asked, clutching the stuffed animal his parents had gotten him at another museum the day before.

The ghost cleared his throat. “I’m uh…” He started in a raspy voice before pausing and clearing his throat again. “I’m,” He sighed. “I’m Johannes Brahms.”

“Yo-hahn Brahmzzzz.” Benji repeated, drawing out the last “s” sound. “Oh! You did music, right?”

Brahms smiled slightly, and nodded.

The two of them talked for a while before Benji’s parents arrived, harried and frustrated. They apologized profusely to the ghost, who insisted it hadn’t been a problem.

The whole experience left Benji starry-eyed, and with the help of a friend he’d made in Germany, he would call and converse with Brahms for hours, asking about counterpoint and meaning and technique and just in general picking his mind. The composer took this with grace, and seemed more than happy to answer the young musician’s questions. When he’d told Benji about the Scholars, Benji had immediately decided that he was going to be a Music Master Scholar.

Muji had played violin until he’d dropped out of high school to take care of his mom, and hadn’t resumed it until after him and Benji had been talking for a while. He didn’t know much about composition, but he loved music history, and after getting his GED and enrolling in college, had even majored in it. Plus, he just kinda just thought the whole thing was cool.

They’d been researching for a year and a half, with pointers from Brahms, and tips from a professor Benji’d had two years ago, a Classical scholar named Dr. Chang. Benji had once emailed her and asked, point-blank, if she was a Music Master Scholar, but she’d only sent back a cryptic winky face emoji in response.

The next day, after three more hours of sitting in McDonalds, revising the proposal (most of which was Muji saying “Benji it looks fine!” and Benji responding with “No, no, this comma in paragraph seven just makes it sound better! Ties it all together, don’t you think?”), it was sent off in an email, and Benji resolved not to think about it while Muji resolved to mention it at the most inopportune moments, just to mess with his friend a little.

They were approved a month later, and three months after that day at McDonalds, they were sitting on a plane heading to Austria, Benji mouthing practice phrases in German as Muji slept. They had about a month to traipse all over Europe in search of a ghost very few people had been able to find, and they were excited to start.

The first week was spent in Austria, visiting Beethoven’s own grave (a nonstarter; the ghosts there hadn’t seen Beethoven since he was buried, and none knew where he’d gone), his childhood home and the area surrounding.

Nothing.

The second week was spent in Vienna. There, they visited the ghost of Mozart, who was a fidgety, flighty sort. He was known for being somewhat immaterial, and often took to jumping on top of objects in a manner that caused the people around them to panic for a few seconds before realizing he was too immaterial to do anything more than whisper vaguely about his childhood. He’d tried to pet Muji’s hair and got annoyed when nothing happened, so it wasn’t a particularly long visit.

They tried to visit Haydn, but while the location of Haydn’s ghost was well-known, only Music Master Scholars were allowed to see him, as he claimed the crowds exhausted him, and he wanted to be able to give his full attention to those visiting him. It made sense, since ghosts used massive amounts of energy to communicate and interact with the world around them, and the more energy they expended, the less time they were able to spend on earth. Despite this, the two of them did make an effort, but were summarily barred from entering.

“Next time!” Benji declared confidently as they walked to their next potential Beethoven hot spot.

They visited Brahms, who had resolved to meet them in Vienna upon learning they were coming, and spent a whole day with him, visiting locations which had been important to him and letting his impromptu history lessons wash over them with a look of awed reverence.

Beethoven wasn’t in Vienna, and by the third week the two friends were feeling the threat of rejection hot on their heels. They began keeping odd hours, trying their hardest to figure out their next move.

“Maybe we should reread our proposal? Clearly the Scholars saw something in it, right?” Muji theorized from the bed he’d claimed as his their first night in the hotel.

“Mmmm.” Benji responded from his position on the floor at the foot of his bed, still feeling the after-effects of a well-deserved mental breakdown.

“Come on, Benji!” Muji tried to motivate him. “We can do it! You’re a super cool music spy, remember?”

Benji huffed at the reminder of an old, inane conversation between the two. “I don’t know, Muji. I think it’s kinda pointless.”

“Come on, Benji!” Muji tried again. “This is like, your dream! It’s now or never! Put our mutual brain cell to use so we can find Beethoven!”

Benji sighed and got up. “Fine, fine.” He murmured as he got off the floor, grabbed his copy of the proposal from his bag, laid down on the bed, and stuffed another chewable pendant into his mouth. “Wet’s fee.”

Silence reigned for a few, brief seconds, before Muji suddenly exclaimed, “Hey! We never checked out anything about the Immortal Beloved, right?”

Benji sat up straight on his bed and spit out the pendant. “Holy shit, we never checked out anything about the Immortal Beloved.”

After a quick Google search, two train tickets, a couple of sandwiches, and a dash through the rain, they arrived at the Frankfurt Main Cemetery. There, they asked after the name they’d listed in their proposal as the possible Immortal Beloved, and the ghosts pointed them towards the back of the cemetery.

In a ghost grotto, they found a woman, calmly humming the tune from one of the Diabelli variations, though in their excitement neither Benji nor Muji could name the tune.

“Are you-“ Benji paused and took a couple of deep breaths. “Are you the Immortal Beloved?

The woman stopped humming and smiled at them.

“Ah, that is a moniker I have not heard in some time.” She arose and walked away from them, lifting her skirts elegantly in a manner which conveyed a sense of class. “Come; I think you are the ones I’ve been expecting.”

The two followed after her eagerly and looked confused when they stopped at a mail office in town. There, she reached into a P.O. box, pulled out a silver envelope, and gave it to Benji.

“This is yours.” She murmured. “Please do come to visit; it’s rare that I receive visitors.”

With this, she disappeared.

The two stared at the envelope for a couple of seconds before Benji eagerly opened it, accidentally ripping the envelope in half. He then read it, brow furrowing in confusion.

“What’s it say?” Asked Muji, eagerly, from over his shoulder.

“It says… it’s just numbers? I don’t get it.” Benji gave him the paper, trying to puzzle out what it meant.

Muji frowned, then plugged the numbers into Google.

“It’s a location!” He burst out, excitedly shoving the phone in Benji’s face.

The two of them hurriedly called a taxi, listing the location Muji’s phone had given them. They were dropped off in front of the building, and saw someone standing at the entrance. They showed the person (a Scholar!) their letter, and with a large smile, they were taken inside, their guide walking confidently as Benji and Muji trailed behind them. The interior of the building was long and winding, which left the two feeling as though they’d been deceived by the outward appearance of the building. The building had looked small and unassuming, and this place was built like a maze. They were sure they’d be lost if they tried to head back without a guide.

Near the end of the path they heard the sound of a piano playing, and warm light spilled into the hallway. They eagerly rushed ahead, much to the amusement of the Scholar.

There, facing the wall, conducting half a beat behind the sound coming from the recorder behind him, stood Beethoven.

Benji gasped, and clutched Muji’s shoulder. He pointed ecstatically at the figure in the room. “It’s Beethoven!!!” He stage-whispered.

Muji smiled widely as he nodded back. “Yeah!!”

The two of them turned around when a voice behind them cleared. The Scholar gave them each a thick letter with the recognized seal of the Music Master Scholars on the back, and the two of them stared at it, unsure of what to do.

“Well?” The Scholar prompted, rocking back and forth on their heels. “Aren’t you going to open it?”

Benji ripped into his envelope first, completely abandoning the flap as he tore the side off. His hands shook as he pulled out a letter on creamy white stationary. He skimmed the words and began crying, clutching the letter and envelope to his chest.

Muji was slightly more careful, removing the letter from the envelope via the flap and pulling out the other contents of the envelope. A laminated membership card, a list of locations of other ghosts, and an alphabetized list of other Scholars with contact info and a small bio were also in the envelope. He pulled out each one, looked at it, and put it back in the envelope. He then stopped and held the envelope in his hands, staring at it.

After about ten minutes, the guide worriedly asked Muji, “Is Benji alright? He’s been crying for a while.”

Muji nodded absentmindedly. “Yeah, he cried for like two hours after I finished streaming Crisis Core for him.” At the guide’s look of confusion, he added, “Video game.”

The guide made a small noise of understanding and nodded.

When Benji’s sobs finally faded into sniffles, the three of them began the trek out of the building.

“Sorry this route is so long.” The Scholar apologized. “Oh! Also! I forgot to introduce myself.” They paused and turned, offering their hand. “I’m Soraya Cham! I was the last person to find Beethoven’s ghost. When I heard about you guys, I got excited, really. I was rooting for you!”

The two of them shook her hand and nodded, unsure what else to say.

Soraya continued, then hailed a taxi when they reached the road. They waved goodbye to Benji and Muji as the two of them got in the backseat.

“We did it!” Benji shouted once they were back at their hotel.

#original story #yall get one guess as to which of us is benji n which of us is muji #i hope yall r enjoying these #when the mania ends its all over for these original story posts sry to tell u #ash does shit

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sagemoderocklee · 3 years

Note

Writer ask meme - everything divisible by 3

Sorry this took so long to reply to! I was writing out my responses today, but while watching Rosewell New Mexico with my roommate and that show is SO good. anyways this is really, really long so I will put part of it under a read more however if you are reading TAoL and want a sneak peak at an upcoming chapter, my answer to 36 is the entire first scene for that chapter

3. What is your favorite/least favorite part about writing? Other than the obvious writer's block, I think that my least favorite part is feeling insecure/wanting validation via comments and such. Writing is something I really enjoy doing and take great pride in trying to grow as a writer, but it's impossible to completely shake off that feeling of insecurity and sadness over something that doesn't get comments. There's this common thing in fandom where like you can pour a lot of heart and energy into something, be really skilled, only for it to get overlooked. There's obviously a lot of reasons for that, but some of those reasons are kind of annoying—like god forbid something not have sex in it, ya know?

6. Favorite character you’ve written?

So, that's hard.... If we're talking the canon Naruto characters, it can really vary from story to story. I obviously enjoy writing Gaara and Lee, but I was surprised to find that I really enjoy writing Shikamaru, Kankurou, Temari, Neji, and Tenten as well. I think all of them are really interested, have a lot of potential, and are fun in very different ways. Kankurou is definitely just flat out fun to write, and I think Tenten is very similar in the way she's fun to write. I think this like handful of characters are all faves for very different reasons so it's hard to say who my absolute fave is, but I really enjoy writing all of them. Definitely my fave thing is being able to write all of them interacting together, however.

9. Favorite/least favorite tropes?

Least: Soulmates. I hate that shit with a passion—it's boring, it's artificial, it's easy. There was a post I just saw recently that said “soulmates are stupid. I love you on purpose” and that just sums up so much of my issue with soulmates. If something is predetermined by some fucking cosmic power, do you really ever love that person? Do you really ever know that person? Soulmate AUs will always be something that bore me and also insight anger. It's just not for me, and I wish that fandom spaces would just get over it, in all honesty. Fave: uh. I don’t really know about like trope-wise. I just really like anything with good world building and politics.

12. Which story of yours do you like best? Why? Oh gosh.... um. That's really hard to answer because every story I write has a special place in my heart for different reasons. Alliance is my baby; TAoL is a huge emotional investment and has allowed me to grow even more as a writer; Absolution is something I've always wanted to explore; Flyweight Love is super fun and cute; IEYH is a new experiment in writing for me; GoD was also an experiment... and on and on. It's hard to pick like a favorite story because like they're all my faves in different ways. There are certainly things I like more or prefer, like I'm not that into modern Aus as much so it's easier for me to say that like Find Me isn't a one of my best—it isn't, there's a lot of things I want to fix on it, and while it is a decent fic, it's not like groundbreaking imo. But like for all of the things that need fixing with Alliance, that fic is my baby and really grounded me as a writer in a way no other writing project had before it. So like I could never not love it. Anyways, I'm babbling at this point, but basically I love all my fics so I can't choose.

15. How do you deal with self-doubt when writing? Rereading my writing tends to help and hoarding some of my favorite comments I've been left by readers. I know I'm a good writer, self-doubt and insecurities aside, so re-reading stuff is really a good confidence booster—but when that's not enough, it is really helpful to look back at old comments.

18. Tell us about that one book you’ll never let anyone read

Of mine??? Well, obviously by 'book' we're going with fanfiction because none of my original content is at a point where I'd really even consider it for this question. Um. Honestly, I don't think there's much if anything. Maybe some HP fics but not because I'm not like... proud of the writing or premise. Like I'd say my ideas are really good, it's just a matter of like my own time management and shit.

21. What aspect of your writing are you most proud of?

My world building. I'm also generally proud of the premises I come up with, and the themes I explore with my writing. Like I think I'm a good writer in terms of the like technical writing aspect—pros and such—and also characters, but I think I excel at world building and overall plot.

24. Do you remember the moment you decided to become a writer/author? The first time I ever wrote anything I was seven years old. I was at a party for my mom's boss? I think it was a birthday party? Anyway, I was the only kid there—which was fine because I was used to being the only kid in gatherings—but I was sitting alone by like a window and I just like started writing a poem about the night. That was like the first time that writing really became a part of me. When I was thirteen, when my mom got sick, I started writing poetry more. And when I was fourteen, I started writing fanficiton and that's kinda just... never stopped. I've been writing stories ever since.

27. Every writer’s least favorite question - where does your inspiration come from? Do you do certain things to make yourself more inspired? Is it easy for you to come up with story ideas?

My inspiration comes from everywhere, not to like be cliched. But inspiration really is in everything and everyone. I tend to find inspiration really easily in music, but it's also in just like the day-to-day; it's in other writers; it's in washing dishes; it's in a day trip to the ocean; it's in a quote or a touch or a word. Like genuinely, it's in big things and little things and things that shouldn't even be things. I don't feel like I really struggle with inspiration so much as motivation, really. And that is... a much harder thing to find sometimes (especially when you're mentally ill)

30. Do you like to read books similar to your project while you’re drafting or do you stick to non-fiction/un-similar works?

Um. I like to read fantasy mostly, but I don't look for something similar or different from my projects intentionally. I just.... look for things that I like? But I don't really know how to explain that lol

33. What’s your revision/rewriting process like? Since I'm writing mostly fanfiction and the culture of having a beta reader has dwindled significantly, making it hard to find one, I do a lot of self-editing. I'm usually re-reading a lot as I'm writing. So until a chapter is done, I'm always going back and reading/editing before moving on to the next scene. And then once I'm done writing a chapter I'll usually edit it about two or three times in full in the document, then I put it in draft on Ao3 for another edit before posting.

36. Post a snippet All right a snippet..... Let's go with something from: The Art of Love, Chapter 13 (not the next chapter, but the one after). Since I left everyone hanging for so long with that last scene of Gaara and Lee, this is the entire first scene to ch13: It was all his fault. If he hadn't let himself get so carried away in the dream of Gyokukakushin, in the dream of Gaara, in the dream of safety they didn't have this wouldn't be happening. Their belongings had been stuffed haphazardly into their various bags. Despite how many times he'd checked and double checked, Lee felt sure that he'd overlooked something—some wayward item that had rolled beneath the bed or fallen behind the desk that would give them away. Gaara had watched him silently, his thoughts kept to himself as Lee dashed about their room like a mad man.

“I think that is everything,” Lee managed over the mantra of 'My fault, my fault' cycling through his mind. His voice trembled as he spoke. Every inch of him trembled. Every breath he took rattled in his chest. Every beat of his heart was a stutter against his rib cage. Every ounce of blood pumping through his veins burned with the need to run.

“This is useless,” Gaara said, the first words he'd spoken since the beach.

Lee snapped his head up, meeting Gaara's enigmatic gaze. “But—”

“They don't set sail until the end of the month,” he reminded Lee. “What use is being packed? Besides, it will look suspicious if we leave now.”

Tears burned at the corners of Lee's eyes. “But if they are coming—”

“They're coming,” Gaara murmured. “But even if they arrive before we've departed, we have our disguises. You have to trust that we'll be fine.”

Lee's head spun. How could Gaara be so calm? How could he sit there, quiet and unshakable, when Lee felt as though the world were falling apart around them? How could he be so sure that eleven days from now, they'd set sail, free and undiscovered? How was he not furious with Lee for his complacency?

Gaara was at Lee's side before Lee could shake the spinning in his head, a gentle hand at Lee's elbow and a surety in his eyes.

“I know you won't let anything happen to me,” he told Lee, as soft and insistent as the thumb he'd once pressed against the corner of Lee's mouth.

“No. Never.” Lee's stomach twisted, guilt rising like the tide. He'd let his feelings jeopardize everything.

“Then what do you have to fear?”

A trembling laugh escaped Lee, soft and unsteady. He had everything to fear, yet Gaara's gaze implored him to forget those fears. He managed to speak, his tongue heavy with the lie, “I do not know.”

“Then do not know fear. It will make this harder for us, especially if the Daimyo's soldiers arrive before we've left.”

“If they do—”

“If they do, we will be as unknown to them as any other traveler. And if not, I trust your speed to carry us to safety.”

“We would miss our ship.”

“If it comes to that, so be it. We can find other ways of traveling to Tea Country.”

Lee allowed himself to believe all would be well because he couldn't believe anything else when looking into the depths of Gaara's eyes, but there was no escaping his gnawing guilt or the knowledge that his heart had led them to ruin.

39. Do you spend a lot of time analyzing and studying the work of authors you admire? I wouldn't say a lot of time per say, certainly not as much as I should, but I definitely do like to analyze other works and learn new skills, etc.

42. How many drafts do you usually write before you feel satisfied? I don't really write “drafts” per say. Since I'm just writing fanfiction, I'm usually just writing and then heavily editing. Sometimes editing does mean taking out and entirely rewriting entire scenes. And sometimes in writing fics, I do jump ahead—though very rarely—and write a rough draft of a future scene so I don't lose the idea/beats/etc, and then that will be re-written fully when I do get to it. But on average, I'm just doing a lot of editing.

45. First or third person? Third, definitely. I'll never be able to write first person cause it just doesn't really suit me and, overall, I think that it's a very hard point of view to write from. For me, it takes a special

48. Do you prefer to write skimpy drafts and flesh them out later, or write too much and cut it back? So before I write something, depending on what it is I will write an outline that can vary from a few sentences to like pages.

51. Are you a secretive writer or do you talk with your friends about your books? A bit of both really. I love talking about the things I'm working on, but I also love to keep things a surprise so I can see what people's genuine reactions are to like plot twists or whatever. Of course, my problem is that I have to like—talk about my projects to stay motivated. It's a hard balance. I usually end up talking with my roommate since they also write fanfic for Naruto but not GaaLee. We can bounce ideas off each other, when we're stuck, etc.

54. Favorite first line/opening you’ve written? Ugh this is another hard one... I think im gonna go with the opening from IEYH right now as one of my fave becuase I think I did a decent job of setting the tone of my very first horror project: Too often, ghost stories begin with dark nights or horrible, gruesome death. Real ghosts don't follow the patterns of a novel; there are no beginnings, middles, and ends; no rising action and falling action; no denouement. Ghosts do not achieve resolution; ghost do not experience the climax of their own tale. There are no happy—or even sad—endings. There are no endings at all.

Ghost stories go on and on and on, rambling endlessly towards nothing and no where, only stopping for the finite amount of words one can speak or write in one's lifetime.

That is the true horror of death: ceaseless, unending nothingness.

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quiverwingquack · 3 years

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1, 6, 22 <3

(It just ate my whole response to this when I went to post so let’s hope the second time’s the charm XD)

((Send me a writing ask?))

1. Tell us your current project(s) — what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

So, I’m really bad at sticking with ideas? I probably have 30 something wips right now in various stages of progress and not all of them are ones I’ll post when I finish them. That being said, my biggest thing right now is my drakepad wedding set. I have two I’m trying to get done right now, because I’m doing a oneshot collection rather than story chapters so I can bounce around the timeline. One is Drake teaching LP to dance, and the other is LP proposing to Drake. It’s a fake marriage au so they can adopt their daughter and it’s almost done! Planning on having that out by the end of the month!

Aside from that set, I have this Lena idea I’ve been toying with for a while. I’ve been struggling with insomnia and nightmares lately, so I’ve been working on this one where she’s really just trying to rest but can’t. She’s in a new place, her friends are busy with changes in their own lives, and the darkness is just so crushing some nights. Eventually her dads find out and she’s super embarrassed to admit that she’s struggling, but unlike Magica, all they want is to take care of her. It’s going to be a lot longer than my usual fics so it’s taking more time, like The View From Under The Bed. It’s partly about the therapy of working through my problems via fic so I’m not too worried about taking my time on it, I just know it’s gonna be a good one.

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

This is a tossup. Della’s very fun in the sense that she does a lot of things most people wouldn’t, because she’s adventurous and doesn’t think about consequence. Drake and Lena are both very similar to me personally, so they’re the most easy for me, and because of that I enjoy working with them most. Launchpad is fun because he’s canonically “everybody’s friend” and just the dumbest himbo I could find, so either it’s funny/fluffy, or it’s the most painful angst and it’s fun to watch people read. A lot of the characters I do regularly are a favorite in some way because I can have different kinds of fun with them.

22. Do you reread your old works? How do you feel about them?

I do reread my old stuff! I’ve been doing this since I was 13 or so, and I’m almost 20, so the oldest stuff? Bad. Copy-pasted Avril Lavigne lyrics in places with color-coded text for character POVs. My ff dot net stuff is really out of character most of the time, or it focuses on OCs I would write totally differently now that my writing style has improved and evolved. But most of my AO3 stuff I’m still really proud of!!!

My two absolute favorites are the one I linked above and When I’m Like This, You’re The One I Trust. Both of them took a really long time—When I’m Like This took nine months—and I did so much editing. Usually, my revision process, if I even edit(I generally just run spell check and post) is to sleep on it, then read through once and edit here or there to drive certain points home or make things feel better paced. I had beta readers and did entire separate drafts on both of these, and poured a ton of energy into perfecting them. They mean a lot to me, and the fact they both did well when I posted them makes them even more special to me.

#sorry for rambling and also that this is 80% ducktales I know you don’t know the charas XD #that’s just where the adhd has decided to focus for like. a year+ of my writing so that’s where I’m at #also 6 AND 22? my lucky numbers? vibes thanks so much #writing #mine!#ask game

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randomfandomimagine · 3 years

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End Of The Year Faves

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 8 (ish) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome work!

I was tagged by @myriadimagines and @musicallisto, thank you, lovelies!

10. Zack Fair (FFVII) gif imagine

I really love this one because it’s like the definition of short and sweet. It’s adorable, warm and I think I got Zack’s characterization pretty well and I often reread it when I need a smile. I just love my boy Zack and how this little thing turned out.

9. Connor (DBH) prompt (”I shouldn’t be in love with you”)

The reason I love this one it’s because I wrote it as one of my favorite things to write: a character study. I tried to express Connor’s struggle as he develops feelings for the reader and how conflicted he would be to have fallen in love with someone, having developed such a human thing as feelings. One of the many reasons why I love Connor is because of his arc in the game, because of how guilty he feels for becoming deviant despite being the very android that hunts them, it just gets to me. I’m just really glad that I could explore that in this prompt and that I managed to show it properly as well as make this more angsty, since my specialty is usually fluff.

8. Yennefer (Witcher) prompt (”I shouldn’t be in love with you” “Are you jealous?” “I’m so scared”)

This is the only Yennefer request I’ve ever gotten (besides one for a dating would include that I had already written), and I had so much fun writing it! Yennefer has appeared in my Witcher writings a lot, but never as a main character and never as a love interest, so that’s why this was so cool! I think she’s a very interesting character, so I really enjoyed getting the chance to explore her personality. I love how it turned out because I think it’s the perfect balance between her being sly and also being loving and showing her feelings for the reader.

7. Too Nice (John Ambrose McClaren, TATBILB ficlet)

John Ambrose is another character I really like writing for. What can I say? I fell in love with him and it was great to write something for him. This is somewhere between love and almost hate, with a lot of misunderstandings and complex feelings that ultimately lead to a happy fluffy ending. He’s just the sweetest and it was curious to write his reactions to someone who doesn’t always respond well to his kindness, even if because it flusters them.

6. Special (Howl Pendragon, HMC ficlet)

And yet another character I love. It was a bit hard settling on just one version of the character, because I love both the movie and book versions, so I tried to make it a little bit of both... even if this Howl is more suave and charming like in the movie rather than the absolute endearing disaster that book Howl is. Still, I always have fun getting other characters involved with the reader and their love interest, so I loved adding Calcifer and Marko to the mix. As well as the cute interactions Howl and reader have, I love the ending in which he hints at the fact that the reader unlocked something in his heart that he didn’t think was possible.

5. Kind (Jesse Pinkman, Breaking Bad ficlet)

I don’t often get to write about Jesse, so this was awesome! Peekaboo was one of my favorite episodes and it was amazing to get to explore it. While it’s not perfect, I really like how the connection between Jesse and reader turned out, how kind (:D) he is and patient and respectful, and I think I also poured a lot of emotion to the reader with that background.

4. Separated (Zuko, ATLA ficlet)

By this point, it’s obvious that I’m more proud of ficlets (because they’re longer and take more planning and more time and effort) and about characters I love because I think the passion I have for them is more obvious. I wrote this one right when I was watching ATLA because I loved (and still love) Zuko so much. It’s sort of a character study as well (it’s established that I adore writing them) and I’m so glad that I had the idea of getting Iroh involved because he’s awesome. This ficlet just has a lot of pining and repressed emotions that come out in the end and I love it.

3. Weight On His Shoulders (PS4 Peter Parker ficlet)

This one if pretty recent, as I wrote it after beating the game myself. This game is just awesome, and this is my favorite representation of Peter ever. He’s cute, charming, nerdy, loving, kind, a bit awkward and just everything that Peter and Spidey should be (at least for me). I wanted to represent both his personas in this one, and I like the balance I achieved with it as well as the emotions, the pining, the secret identity and in the end the understanding of the reader. The part with Spidey saving reader is great and I’m very happy with how reader is prepared to confront him about it once they learn he’s Spiderman only to change their mind when they see how much it’s weighing on him so they decide to relax with him for a bit.

2. Reunion (Cloud Strife, FFVII ficlet)

I’ve written a lot of things for this fandom this year because I was super inspired after beating the remake with my brother, I loved it (honorable mentions to Heal My Heart and Stars In Your Eyes, two other ficlets that I wrote and I’m very proud of). Cloud has always been one of my favorite characters, and in this one I got to examine a side of him I usually don’t. Not only does this ficlet include Zack Fair (another one of my favorite characters) but it also goes along with an idea I had been thinking about for a long time of a female reader pretending to be a boy to get into SOLDIER and becoming friends with them, but it also shows Cloud as the meeker and shy boy he is in Crisis Core. It was so cool to write about him back then and after once he had joined AVALANCHE. His relationship with the reader was also bittersweet because of their past and it’s just so complex and emotional that I love it, especially their reunion at the end.

1. Soul of a Warrior (Jaskier x Nissa, The Witcher Fanfiction Series). This was a big project, as series always are. I spent several months planning and plotting the story and even more months writing it, and also revising it once it was finished before posting it. I put so much effort, love and time into this series that it absolutely had to be number one. Soul of a Warrior is probably the thing I’m most proud of (that I have written) in 2020.

As most of you know (my mutuals definitely do, as they have gifted me amazing things with him), Jaskier is probably the character I fangirled the hardest about this year. I wrote many things for him (the ficlet What Would You Do Without Me? deserves another honorable mention because it’s probably my favorite thing I’ve written this year along with the series) and working on each of them has brought me so much serotonin. Jaskier is just such an amazing character, loving and compassionate but cheeky and selfish while at the same time being charming, optimistic, bubbly, extroverted and a huge flirt. So many layers!

But back to the series... Soul of a Warrior had one of the best faceclaims I’ve found, the sweetest friendship between my OC Nissa and Geralt and the slowest of burns romances with Jaskier. Him and Nissa are very similar in some aspects, so much so that they’re both too blind to realize the other’s feelings (idiots to lovers, am I right?) but they care so much about one another. The three of them were strangers, but they become family (found family, another one for the fandom bingo!) and I’m the proudest of how real and organic their relationship feels. Not to mention that their dynamic was super fun to write because Geralt is the only one that knows they’re in love and is so fed up and exasperated with their obliviousness. As well as this, I think I managed to mix action, emotion and depth really well. My secondary OCs feel more alive than others before them, Nissa was pretty complex and coherent and had a true voice of her own, and their part on the story feels important. There are tense moments, cute ones, sad ones, tragic ones... a little bit of everything. I think this one as a lot more angst and whump because I was in a bit of a dark place when I wrote it, but it still has hope and light in it, which I really love. The series also has a lot more violence than what I’m used to, but it was interesting to get out of my comfort zone a bit.

Overall, not only do I think it’s fun to read, compelling, funny and emotional all at once, I’m just very proud that I managed to write something a little different from what I usually do and feel like I did it well. I put a big part of me in this series and for that reason Soul of a Warrior will always have a special place in my heart 💜

That it’s, sorry if I ranted a bit! I tag anyone who wants to do this!!

#tag game #faves #myriadimagines #musicallisto

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joeys-piano · 3 years

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Joey’s Writing Process - Questionnaire

Was inspired by an authortube questionnaire tag thingy from YouTube and wanted to answer those questions and post them here~

You could say I was tagged by Kelley Tai from the authortube community because I decided to do this after hearing her responses to these questions ^^

What genres do you write?

Being someone who doesn’t write for a specific genre in mind, I dabble in everything and anything -- depending on the concept in my mind. But during the past few months, I can summarize that most of my works would be considered contemporary. Whether it’s young adult, romance, or a few character studies I was interested in. The kinds of genres I typically play with are dependent on the fandom I’m writing for.

What setting gets you the most productive?

I am the most productive when I’m writing in a quiet, comfortable spot. Preferably, alone because I talk while I’m writing. So because of that, I mostly write in my bedroom or private living space -- it lets me jabber on and on and read as loudly to my heart’s content.

As well, as long as I have a sturdy structure to lean my back against and a soft blanket or pillow to drape over my lap, that is my ideal writing setup as I kickback on my laptop. Somewhere during these past two semesters, I’ve conditioned myself to be my most creative when I’m on my portable laptop because my brain has associated it with “fun” and “chill time” while my workhorse, gaming laptop has been associated with “academic” and “not-so-fun stuff.”

If you have multiple story ideas, how do you go about picking which one to start on first?

The ideal response would me saying: “I’m picking the work that has the most potential, is the most fleshed out, follows the current reading trends, etc…”

But in all honesty, there’s only two criteria I use when narrowing down multiple projects: 1) how am I feeling? and 2) which one will I make time for? I know myself well enough that when I’m very interested in an idea, I will carve out time and do everything in my power to work on that story -- despite all the nonsense I have to do for life and uni. And this is dependent on how I’m currently feeling and what story ideas resonate with that feeling.

I’m well aware that as creatives, it’s unwise to have our emotions dictate what we’re doing because it can make us wishy-washy and that’s how excuses crop up. I get it, I know it, I’m staring it down it down the pie hole. But in spite of this flaw, it works really well with my writing style because I’m more emotion and introspective-heavy. If I’m not feeling for what’s going on, I just shelve the idea for a while and come back to it when I’m in the right vibe. And that works well since I’m a short story writer, and it lets me pivot easily and not be stuck in a specific mood for long. I believe that’s why chapter-works are so hard for me because I’m stuck in a perpetual mood and it’s very exhausting.

Do you outline?

I only outline as much as I need to know -- meaning that, I outline enough to get the momentum rolling and for me to put thoughts onto paper and to get the story flowing. As a pantser with recurring self-doubts, I use outlines as a way of motivation and to convince myself that an idea isn’t as (insert self-doubt) as I originally thought. Because of this approach, I love knowing what my beginning will be and I will outline the shit out of that while I leave the middle and ending up to my interpretation as I pants my way through the story and see where it naturally goes.

That’s why whenever you read my works, you’ll notice how solid the beginning is and how it meanders towards the end. Because at that point, I’m flowing by feeling and am steering the story to where it wants to go. Having this loose trajectory is great for me because I’m often inserting bridge moments or extra scenes or am embellishing something throughout the story, and that gives my stories the texture that make them a bit more exciting.

Do you start your first draft with pen and paper, typewriter, or computer?

I computer everything.

With how weak my finger, hand, wrist and arm nerves and muscles have been, I can’t write by hand for very long and I don’t have the funds to purchase a typewriter, the ink or the special paper that those need. So a laptop is my go-to and it saves me a lot of physical clutter.

What do you do to get through writer's block?

Read, watch, and listen to as much as content as I can get my hands on if I’m experiencing a creative burnout and if it’s hard for me to find ideas that I want to devote my time to. If the writer block is stemming from doubts that I have, I like to read quotes from Goodreads and to expose myself to other styles and concepts or just reading how someone worded something in a certain way. Because that expands the choices where I can take my writing or concept, and it’s motivation in its own way as I truck forward with what I’m doing.

Do you format your project from the beginning or worry about that later?

Font: Times New Roman Font Size: 11 Font Color: White Page Color: Black Line Spacing: 1.15, space after a paragraph

Every time I open up a new word document, those are my go-to configurations for a successful write. I believe a few years ago, I read something about how writing with a dark page is easier on the eyes. So ever since I did that, I’ve never looked back.

Do you edit as you go or when you're finished with the first draft?

Many writing advices out there say that you shouldn’t write as you go, and they have convincing reasons as to why. However, for my writing style, I do edit as I go and it’s worked really well for me -- especially since I’m a pantser. Because whenever I feel stuck, I know it’s because something earlier in the work isn’t working well for me. So I often reread and edit as I do so and revise and shape the story to where I left off and I know where to go.

It’s why I don’t have a “true” first draft. Because in actuality, different parts of my draft are in different stages of the writing process. So in a sense, I have a living draft that is whatever it wants to be.

I will say that this is much easier to handle when the work is short, but I’ve done this for 12k, 15k, 22k stories before. It’s a lot harder and it’s very exhausting, but it does work and I have systems in place to keep me moving forward.

After finishing your drafts/manuscript how long do you give it a break before you start going back over it or do you give it a break at all?

As I mentioned in the previous question, I revise and edit as I go so it’s difficult for me to answer this question. However, I try to give myself a few hours or at least half a day away from the story before I come back to it and continue where I left off.

I will take breaks between short story projects (at least one day). But other than that, that’s it.

Is there something that you prefer to do to get you through writing? (Playing music, tv, having your favorite drink, or food)

I love starting my writing session by listening to some music I don’t mind repeating for a long time and listening to music that vibes with what I’m doing. And if I’m beginning a story, I like to go on Goodreads and read some opening quotes or random lines to get my gears turning as I approach my writing. If I’m picking up from where I left off, I like to reread from the beginning or from a beginning marker that I’ve left behind and go from there to where I left off so I can get back into the moment.

Do you schedule your writing sessions?

I write whenever I can -- through pockets of time. So no, I don’t have a schedule.

However, I tend to begin stories or at least through the density of them through the morning to around the early afternoon. In the early evening and late at night, that’s when I’m loosely outlining and brainstorming new ideas because my inner-editor is a lot quieter than those periods.

Do you have word count or chapter goals for your writing sessions?

No. However much I write, that’s how much I write.

It could be 300 words in one day, or it could be 1.8k words in one day. Wildly depends on how I’m feeling and how I’m scheduling everything else in my life around my writing.

Are there any quirky things you do to make your projects more fun?

I did a lot of poetry before I got serious with narrative writing, so something that I do to make the writing more fun is that I incorporate poetry techniques into my stories and use that rhythm to have it interesting. This feeds into my writing habit of reading out loud as I work and because I’m stressing on how the rhythm goes and how it sounds when I hear it, much of what I write is meant for the ear -- rather than the eyes.

Do you work on multiple projects at one time?

My brain can only handle one story concept at a time. Already, writing takes a lot out of me and I would run myself ragged if I had to juggle more than one in a single day.

How often do you research what you're writing?

Depends on the work itself.

If I’m writing my first fic for a fandom or am writing for a character or pairing I’m not comfortable, I’ll research around on fandom wikipedia and read a few works from other writers to get a sense of how I could approach the character or pairing.

I’m working on a story that’s heavily involved in a certain topic or whatnot, I will go ham on that research because I want to know the rules of what I’m incorporating and how I can spin those rules to find solutions. However, it’s been a long while since I’ve done something like this.

How do you organize your projects?

I write in a word document whose only purpose is for me to draft, revise and edit on. After I’m finished with that story, I transfer that work onto a new word document and shelve that to a “Completed Folder.”

There’s something about having a word document purely dedicated to just the writing process, there’s something about that helps me out a lot. I don’t know what it is, but it feels like there’s magic there. There’s thousands upon thousands of blood, sweat and tears drenched into that word document and I just build upon that and let it carry me through. It’s very motivating on a primitive level.

Do you reward or punish yourself for achieving or missing out on your writing goals?

No.

I’ve done something like this in the past and it just didn’t work out because it spiked my anxiety. I don’t know how to define my relationship with writing, but it’s definitely not that. It feels more like a friendship than a -- than a platonic BDSM, work-related creative thingy. I don’t take pleasure in pain nor pain in pleasure, so yeah. No.

Are there any works similar to your projects that you look for and use - for inspiration and/or comparison?

Again, Goodreads quotes for inspiration. That’s about it.

How early do you wait to start looking for and hiring editors?

Being that this is an authortube writing process questionnaire, it doesn’t apply to me as a fanfic writer. The equivalent to this for the fandom space would be a critique partner or a beta reader. I don’t use either. I just read my things over and slap it through an editing and grammar program before posting for others to see. And if any errors manage to slip through, I let the lucky bastards live.

If you've finished a first draft or a manuscript. Tell us how you felt afterwards. (Pick your favorite) If you're not through the first draft yet tell us how you're feeling about it at the moment.

I feel very calm and content after finishing the Ever Given x Suez Canal ficlet I wrote earlier this morning. Given the whirlwind experience March has been, this felt like a great well to close the month with and it was genuinely a lot of fun.

Tag someone!

Tagging @nightyelfy because I know you’ve published a book and I would love to see what your responses are.

#fanfic writer #writer #writing community #writeblr

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berkblockman · 4 years

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The Letter // Bill Hader x reader

Pairing: Bill Hader x reader Word count: 2200 Warnings: Lenguage Request: Could I possibly request an imagine where the reader has feelings for Bill, but is too scared to confess so she writes him an anonymous love letter and leaves it on his work desk, leading him to figure out who wrote it? If not, I understand. (a/n): Thanks for the request, this was fun to write. Hope you like it! 😄

Like every other morning, Bill arrived on set early and went to his office to prepare himself for the day ahead. He knew it was going to be a long day, it usually was like that when shooting, but he was already used to repeating the same scenes again and again during the endless filming sessions and to not going home until it was late at night. Not that he disliked his job — working on Barry had gave him the chance to write and direct his own stuff, like he always had dreamt of — but sometimes it could be exhausting, especially on days of filming a very intense and emotional scene, days like today.

He was trying to set his mind in the right place, to get ready to get into character for the big scene. Bill was alone in his office, looking for his script so he could go over his lines one last time, when he noticed a blank envelope placed on his desk. He didn’t remember leaving it there so, curious, he reached for it and opened it carefully to find a letter inside.

Or, at least, something that once was intended to be a letter. The paper inside was so wrinkled and full of studs that Bill had to be especially careful when he unfolded it in order not to break it.

‘Dear Bill,

I don’t know if you’re going to read this or just throw it into the trash. (As I’m writing this letter, I don’t even know if I’m going to be able to send it to you…) And, honestly, I’m not sure if I want you to read this or not, but I feel that I just need to get this off my chest.

I (love) like you. I have liked you for some time now, and even when I do my best to try and get these feelings to go away, I simply can’t get rid of them. And it scares me to death. I can’t stop thinking about (you) what would happen if you found out and things got awkward, because that is the last thing I’d want. I didn’t mean (to fall in love) for any of this to happen, and I want you to know that, regardless of how I feel, I’m not asking anything from you. I know you would never see me the way that I see you, and (I understand) (I’m okay with it) I wouldn’t expect that you would.

You have to believe me when I say that I’m not really sure how this happened. At first I thought this was a dumb crush that would go away eventually, but when time passed and nothing changed, I realized that (I was in love) it was something else. Spending time with you and getting to know you a bit better has been really special to me, (every time that you laugh at something I say it means the world to me) just hearing you laugh or having a chat with you makes my day. I know it’s not much, but it’s enough for me. (I wouldn’t be able to ask for anything else)

To be honest, I’m content with just being able to work with you, even though (seeing you everyday hurts) I know nothing will ever happen. I’m simply glad that I got the chance to meet someone like you and all I really want is for you to be happy.

(With love) Sincerely,’

Bill was definitely blushing when he reached the end of the letter. He looked everywhere for a signature so he would know who had sent it to him, but he wasn’t able to find anything but unintelligible studs. By the time he could realize, he was rereading the letter again. And then a third time. For him, it was hard to conceive that someone was feeling that way for him.

It was the first time he received a love letter. And honestly, he would have never expected to get one in the first place — you surely don’t get a lot of those when you are a divorcee parent of three —, but he couldn’t deny he was flattered that someone was feeling that for him. He just couldn’t stop thinking about who could have possibly written that. All he knew was that it was someone from set, but other than that he was completely clueless.

His eyes were revising the letter again, unconsciously looking for any hint that would point him in any direction, when he heard a knock on the door.

“Bill, dude.” Alec made him look away from the paper he still held in his hands. “You should be getting your make up on by now.”

“I’m on my way.” Bill cursed himself internally for not having time to go over his lines and, with extreme care, he folded the letter so he could fit it in his pocket.

While getting ready for shooting, he couldn’t hold back a small smile as he still thought about it. It felt nice, as well as a little embarrassing, to think that someone was in love with him. And also kind of frustrating not being able to get that thought out of his mind.

He couldn’t stop his mind from wandering between theories of who might have written that letter. Maybe he was giving it more importance that he should. What if it was written for another Bill? Well, they had left it in his office, but they could have made a mistake. Or what if it was just a joke? Either way, he simply couldn’t think of anything other than the damn letter. And when filming finally started, it became a bit of a problem.

Bill was so caught up in his own thoughts that he couldn’t even say his lines right, the very same lines he himself had wrote. After several takes, it was starting to get frustrating. He finally managed to get a few scenes done after lots of tries, but how was he going to get himself in the right place for that emotional scene if his thoughts were somewhere else? He did his best to try and focus, but it was impossible. He just kept messing it up. Alec, who directed the episode, decided to let everyone have a 20-minute-break in hopes that Bill would get his shit together.

“What is going on?” The director asked, trying to understand why filming a couple of scenes was taking so long.

“Nothing, I just need to go over my lines a final time.” Bill lied, embarrassed of admitting that the reason he acted strange was that he felt like an awkward teenager over an anonymous love letter. “I’ll get it right next time.”

Taking a deep breathe, he took his script and walked to a quiet place so he could sit down and try to clear his thoughts. He didn’t really know what was wrong with him that he couldn’t stop thinking about the letter. Well, it wasn’t exactly the letter what was haunting him, but who could have possibly wrote it. It was the doubt that was driving him insane because, for much that he thought about it, he had absolutely no idea of who his ‘secret admirer’ was, and he would be lying if he said that he wasn’t dying to find out.

“Hey, Bill…” A voice got him out of his thoughts. When he looked up, he saw you standing in front of him, still dressed in costume though you had finished filming your scenes for the day. Seeing the weird way he had been acting all day had triggered your alarms, so you had decided to check on him. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m just feeling a little off…” He said, trying not to worry you. Yet, he realized his answer wasn’t elaborate enough for you to believe him.

“Are you sure? I just want you to know that I am here if you need anything” You insisted, sitting next to him.

Bill looked at you and sighed. The both of you had a good relationship even though you had only met each other for nearly two years, since you had been casted to play one of Barry’s acting classmates. You always seemed kind of shy, but you were funny and really nice, so realizing that he needed to share what was going on with someone, he reached for his pocket and handed the letter to you, clearly embarrassed.

“Honestly, I’m a little confused because I got this letter this morning…” He explained, as you unfolded the paper. “And I know it might seem stupid, but I can’t stop thinking about it.”

Reading the first words of the letter, you felt yourself blush uncontrollably. You were going to kill D’Arcy.

“What are you writing?” You heard your friend’s voice as you looked over the paper, making studs over some of the parts you disliked, thinking that might as well you could just burn the whole letter down.

“I’m just writing a letter to my sister.” Doing your best to play it cool, you tried to fold the paper so she wouldn’t see any of what was written, but you weren’t fast enough.

“Oh my, are you in love with Bill?!” She asked with a huge grin on her face.

“No, D’Arcy, please.” You begged her, gesturing her to lower the volume in fear that someone — or worst, Bill — would hear her. “Don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t say anything, but you should definitely do something about it.” Sitting right in front of you, she added. “You know, I sometimes babysit his little girls, maybe I could pretend to be sick next time so you can do it for me and get closer to him.”

“I don’t want to do anything about it.” You assured, turning the paper between your hands into a wrinkled ball. “I just needed to get it off my chest, but that’s it. I’m not planning on telling him.”

“But you would make a really cute couple.” D’Arcy tried to talk you into acting on those feelings you had, but you weren’t going to give in.

“He would never see me that way.” Throwing the letter into the trash, you sighed. “I know it’s not going to happen, so why bother?”

“Maybe if he knew what you feel things would be different.” She looked at you in the eye and took your hand in a supportive way. “What do you have to lose?” Before you were able to answer the question, a girl from the make up staff gestured you to go with her.

“I’m not going to tell him.” You assured as you walked away, wanting to forget that whole conversation.

D’Arcy watched you as you got into the make up stand and, as soon she was out of your sight, she rescued your letter from the trash so she could give you a helping hand. She had promised not to say anything, but she thought that, technically, she wouldn’t be breaking her promise if she just got Bill to read what you had written.

You knew it had to be her, D’Arcy was the only one that knew the existence of that letter besides you. And, definitely, you hadn’t been the one giving him that letter.

“I don’t know, it’s weird to think that someone feels that way about me.” Taken aback, you looked at him to find him blushing too. “And it feels weirder not to know who.”

Staying silent for a few seconds, you tried to get yourself together. Knowing that the reason why he was acting strange was your letter had you confused. Just the thought of him reading it left you completely out of place.

“Are you mad at whoever wrote this?” You asked, your voice weak and sounding more insecure than you would have liked.

“No, of course not.” Bill was quick to say. “I actually liked it, to be honest. They say really sweet things in the letter...” He added with a little smile. When he looked up at you and saw the way you avoided eye contact, he suddenly had an idea of who might have been. He waited a few seconds for you to say something, but when you didn’t, he dared to ask the question that was now inside his head. “Y/N, did you write it?”

“I just wrote it because I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer.” You muttered as you looked down at the floor, not being brave enough to look at him. Taking a deep breathe, you continued. “I know you don’t feel the same, and that’s okay, I-“

Before you could finish the sentence, he grabbed you by your chin so you would be facing him and kissed your lips softly. You needed a few seconds to process what was happening before finally kissing him back, your cheeks burning and your heart skipping a bit or two.

“So, would you like to go get a coffee or something sometime?” He asked after pulling away, a smile spread on his face.

“That would be nice.” You shyly accepted, knowing that you would have to thank D’Arcy after all.

#Bill Hader #Bill Hader x reader #Bill Hader imagine #bill hader x you #Bill Hader one shot #Request #Bill Hader fluff #bill hader thirst

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pocket-clown · 4 years

Text

Like a House of Cards | Arthur Fleck x reader // heavy angst, hurt/comfort

// AN: Going through some stuff, didn’t know how else to really cope with it in a healthy manner beyond writing in my own journal, and then writing about Arthur. It’s nearly 8am and I haven’t slept all night, I wrote this in one go - I didn’t reread, edit, revise, or anything of the sort because I’d end up obsessing over it, and I just wanted this out so sorry for any grammar/spelling errors. If something absolutely doesn’t make any sense please let me know and I’ll fix it.

Know that Arthur loves you. Cheers.

Summary: Arthur wasn’t the only one with demons; you had plenty, and you always fought so hard to keep them hidden as you tried to help him fend his off. Your love was mutual, your pain shared - and the last thing Arthur needed was to have your struggles added onto his already overburdened plate. You feigned normalcy, a facade of happiness that you you’ve only seen others have, yet rarely experienced any genuine of it yourself - but one night, you accidentally let it slip, and like a house of cards does it come falling down.

Reader is female.

Words: 3,704

Content warning: Heavy suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, very vague/brief mention of disordered eating, crying.

You didn’t know what time it was, and you really didn’t care.

Your eyes fell to the bedroom door, and seeing as it was ajar could you make out the shape of your beloved boyfriend as he finally managed to get some well deserved rest, his form under the heavy covers only visible thanks to the dim light from the living room that crept into the bedroom. It was an eerie, albeit somewhat calming shade of dim yellow; it just barely reached the bed, casting itself over the blankets and sheets, and how you wished you could join Arthur in there, in the warmth of the bed, to feel his breathing against your own -

but that was not a luxury you could afford this night.

It was not a luxury you’d allow yourself to have.

It was not a luxury you deserved.

Instead were the roles reversed this night; Arthur, asleep in bed, while you sat at the desk that was nestled in the corner of the living room, your own personal journal flat across the tops of your thighs as your thumb rubbed the length of the dying pen in your hand. The end of it was chewed to bits, a nasty habit you’d once gotten over years ago but that seemed to come creeping back when you found yourself particularly antsy, and you’d rather lose a pen or two to the unshakable urge to chew and bite on something than give yourself a split bottom lip like you had the last time you found yourself giving into the urge to bite on it.

Truth be told, you were afraid to sleep. Your own insomnia had been running rampant again, and you knew that if you just laid in bed then you’d be tossing for hours, and staying so still that your mind was left un-preoccupied and allowed to wander was the worst thing you could do to yourself at the given moment. Being alone with your thoughts, your thoughts which were simultaneously so loud and full yet so quiet and harsh that you couldn’t even comprehend them sometimes, was rarely, if ever, a good thing; overthinking was your forte, and more often than not would your mind get stuck like a record, replaying over every single thing that has been wrong with you, that is wrong with you, and that will be wrong with you - a crying, a nagging, a hissing telling you that you should’ve sneezed already, and that it was pretty inevitable at this point.

You felt unworthy of what good you had.

You were unworthy of what good you had.

You felt like a lost cause; you’d given therapy a try for a good portion of your life, and for what? You had absolutely nothing to show for it; you were still finding your path in the world, barely an adult who was struggling to find and hold a job in Gotham’s special brand up fucked-up economy, still inept and incapable of doing most of what anyone your age should be well adjusted to. You felt like you relied too heavily on Arthur; you’d moved in with him not too longer after Penny had died, and you tried to pull your weight by maintaining a clean, tidy living space for the two of you and cooking in between searches for jobs - searches which were coming up fruitless. You’d burnt yourself out in your last year of high school, pushed yourself so hard that anything less than perfection had been quite literally unacceptable, and as a result the thought of college was too daunting - too taxing - that you ended up abandoning the thought of it completely, lest your worsening mental health get in the way of that same drive you used to have and you end up as a nothing but a failure.

All of this was scribbled down hastily into your journal. Line after line, page after page about nothing besides how you just wished you could get it over with, how you didn’t understand why Arthur cared so much for you - ugly, ugly you who surely did more harm than good - how you just wished and longed for something you didn’t even know.

You weren’t sure if what you wanted was to truly die, or if you just wanted things to stop.

Arthur was an emotionally intelligent man, and he could read you like an open book more often than you would’ve liked to admit - and that’s why you couldn’t help but smile to yourself the more you thought on how well you had been doing. Your pain, the depression that had been looming over you since you were a child, was so woven into you that you made it work. You knew how to live with it; you knew how to tie it up, beat it down, cut it into little pieces to fit into the puzzle that was you so intricately that it felt like it was you - and thus did you hide it so easily. You’d lived with it for so long, dealt with it for so long, been it for so long that you had no idea how to live without it - and in this did it go unnoticed, even by Arthur. Like a house of cheap, shitty play cards did you build it up; a skillful, complex, intricate facade, a semblance of what you knew others wanted to see - but in it’s intricacy was it fragile; so fragile that even the slightest of unanticipated movements would knock it right over.

Sure, there were times that he could see it; particularly rough days were common for the both of you, and every now and then you found it too difficult to muster up enough motivation to keep it completely concealed - but never in your months of a relationship had Arthur seen you like you were now; hunched over your journal (Arthur often eyed your journal with a budding curiosity; he encouraged you to start and keep one as his helped him, and you could tell he wanted to know what was in yours but so thankful were you for his respect of your privacy), an expression somewhere between discomfort and tearful on your face, your leg jittering enough that it was messing with your handwriting. You could’ve laughed at your journal; Arthur had given you peeks into his own, and you found something about his messy handwriting and the spelling errors endearing, and in your haste to get your feelings down at least partially as quickly as you felt them was your own handwriting a completely scribble-ridden mess of jumbled lines and splotches of ink from where you pressed too hard.

You knew if he saw you like this, he’d be all over you within a matter of seconds. Any hint of discomfort from you resulted in an extremely worried Arthur; you could just wince in pain from a minor headache and would he be at your side, cooing and fretting over you as he did everything he could to lessen your pain -

but this was a pain that you doubt, doubt, could ever be lessened.

With a huff did you plop your journal onto the desk, a pat of it harsh against the tranquility that the apartment had at this time of night. Finally did you glance over at the television, which was still on - it was almost three in the morning. The last day had been gone on nothing but decaf coffee and water, so sick with yourself were you that over the years had you learned to numb your feelings with the ache of physical hunger, and as you realized you wanted your fourth mug since midnight did you also realize you really needed to use the bathroom. You paid no mind to how exposed your journal was as you stood up, setting your mug on the counter that jut out from the kitchen’s pass through before turning and heading into the bathroom as quietly as you could as to not wake up Arthur; his soft snoring gracing your ears as you passed the bedroom door, and before you could help it did tears spring to your eyes.

You loved that man more than you had ever loved anything else in your life, and it pained you to know the amount of pain he had to deal with. You wanted nothing more than for the two of you to be able to curl up together in a made up world where nothing but the two of you existed until you both healed - but you knew that wasn’t going to happen. By not sharing your pain with Arthur did you feel that you were, in a sense, helping him.

You’d barely managed to calm down by the time you left the bathroom, a lump in your throat from how hard you tried to choke down the tears that kept welling up a second after you thought they were gone, and you were not expecting to have the life startled out of you by seeing Arthur loom over the desk where you had been sat.

“Did I wake you up?” You whispered as you crossed the living room to him, taking your mug from the counter so you could fetch more coffee. When Arthur didn’t respond did you get a sick, sinking feelings in your stomach, so rather than head into the kitchen did you stop by his side -

realizing you had left your journal wide open -

the big, black, scribbled words that screamed I REALLY SHOULD JUST DIE ALREADY standing out amongst the smaller, slightly less messy but still shaky words that filled the page.

You lurched for your journal, yanking it off the table and flipping it shut with such haste you were surprised you didn’t accidentally tear the cover of it it. You quite literally pulled up the side of your sweater and shoved the journal into the side of your sleep shorts, tucking it in between your waist band and the skin of your hip, which was covered in goosebumps from how cold the flimsy plastic of the cover felt.

“You weren’t supposed to see that - I’m. I’m sorry.”

It was all you could manage, an apology of sorts as you once again found yourself trying to blink back the tears that burned your eyes. You said nothing as you turned and head into the small kitchen, switching on the coffee pot, trying to steady your breathing as you listened to Arthur’s soft footsteps round the corner, and finally did you give in to the urge and bite down on your lip to keep yourself from speaking.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

It was not a whisper, no - rather Arthur’s voice sounded utterly broken as he spoke; it was brittle, quavering as he asked such a simple yet so heavy question, a question you didn’t have an answer to.

“Y/N - Please - talk to me, please, sweetheart - what was that?”

From the corner of your eye could you see how Arthur so desperately wanted to reach for you, to hold you; he kept bringing his hands up slightly, then dropping them back down, clenching his fists before starting for you again - and repeat.

But you couldn’t.

Not now.

You hurt him. You had slipped up, you had let him seen something he shouldn’t have - he was the one that needed comfort, not you. You went to him, placing your hands on either side of his neck and looking up at him, and how his eyes swam with a look of complete, utter distress that you had never seen in them before.

“Arthur - Artie, it’s okay -”

“Oh, no, this is not okay,” His this was punctuated by his hand running over the lump of your journal in your sweater, and before you said anything did he nimbly slip his hand under it, retrieving your journal and holding it with trembling hands. “Please, please tell me you don’t really feel this way...”

He dropped his head forward, his forehead coming to press against your own as if he were somehow trying to will your thoughts to intertwine with his own so he could have even an inkling of a grasp on what was going on in there.

“What’s going on in there, sweetheart?”

You shook your head.

Nothing.

“Why won’t you talk to me?”

Because I can’t.

“Please, Y/N, please talk to me.”

What if you don’t get it?

He would, but he wouldn’t get it.

Arthur was absolutely no stranger when it came to depression, this being a fact you knew disgustingly too well - and in his familiarity with it did you know that he would get it - but at the same time, everyone had their own fucked-up brand of depression, one so unique to them that others could try to understand it, but they could never fully get. Just like you didn’t know the complete ins and outs of Arthur’s mind (though you so wished you did), he didn’t the ones of your own. You two understood each other on a deep level - one deeper than you ever thought possible - but in that did you know that you wouldn’t be able to ever truly, fully, get the other, despite your wishes that you did. In this did you know that your inability to explain things would only worsen Arthur’s inability to get your feelings, and you knew that it would only end up hurting him more than it would’ve had he been able to get it.

“Please - let’s just go to sleep, we can talk in the morning.” You took your journal from him and took his hand into your free one as you began to tug him towards the bedroom, but in doing that did he bring his other hand up, cupping your own in between his two.

“We need to talk about this now, Y/N. You need to tell me what’s going on - please.”

There was no getting out of this, that much you knew. Arthur would not leave you alone about this, and so with a reluctant sigh did you gesture for him to follow you to the couch, and he did as told, keeping his hand tight around your own so you didn’t drift too far from him.

Once you two were sat side by side did you flip open your journal, flicking through it until you came to your most recent entry that spanned a total of three pages. There was absolutely no going back after this; once Arthur saw what was in here you knew he would not be leaving you alone any time soon - but you knew that his inevitable refusal to part with you would come from a place of love and care that was so sweet and genuine that the fact that it was being given to you of all people make you bite your lip in the face of the threat of crying once again. Before he could say anything, you thrust your journal towards him “Read,” being all you could manage before you turned your head away to stare through the small slit of the curtains on the window to your far left.

Like a script you had memorized did you go over each and everything you remembered writing in there;

“i am so ugly and undeserving”

“i don’t think anyone would no one will notice when i die”

“i shouldn’t be alive”

“no matter how hard i try, i can’t be normal”

“i am nothing, an outsider who will always be ALONE there is no worth in helping me”

You heard Arthur take a deep, sharp inhale; a pained whimper poured from him as you heard him flip to the second page, the one that had the looming words I REALLY SHOULD JUST DIE ALREADY practically carved into it from how hard you dug your pen into the page to write it.

“No, no, no, no,” He mumbled to himself, and in your mind did you hear yourself reply;

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

And then you started crying.

It wasn’t loud, racking sobs like you thought it would’ve been, instead it was silent, hiccuping heaves as you tried to keep your breathing steady, your hands desperately pawing at your face in a vain attempt at wiping your tears before Arthur could see, but silly you, Arthur saw it all.

Within a matter of seconds was your journal discarded onto the coffee table, and so quickly it left your head spinning were you pulled into Arthur’s warm lap. His legs were crisscross on the couch so he could literally wrap himself around you, and your knees tucked to your chin, your arms wrapped tightly around his neck with your face hidden into the crook between your arm and his shoulder, his arms around you as his hands oh so gently rubbed your back as he pressed his cheek to the top of your head, hushes and shushes from him as he just let you cry.

He didn’t tell you to stop crying, he didn’t tell you to shut it because your tears might just upset others, he didn’t tell you to keep it to yourself, or to be strong - none of that bullshit that made you feel ashamed for feeling. He just let you cry, as hard and as silently as you wanted to.

Aside from changing into sleep pants earlier, he was still wearing his cardigan from earlier that day - the soft gray one that you loved more than any of his others. Something about it smelled so much more like him than any of his other clothes did; an odd combination of cigarette smoke, the faint scent of a stale, old cologne, and his own unique natural scent that calmed you down more than most other things did, as it told you that he was really there.

“I’m sorry, Arthur.” You whined it so childishly, your voice meek and high as your face was still hidden away.

“Why are you apologizing, sweet girl?”

At the name did a brief smile cross your face, coming and going within the same second, and given how your lips were pressed to Arthur’s shoulder you knew he could feel it, and you heard him hum softly. “Because you weren’t supposed to find out, and now you’re upset.”

You could feel him sigh underneath you, a deep breath leaving him as he pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “I’m upset? Y/N, look at you, love.” He said his wording so carefully gentle that it was as if he expected you to come done at anything. “What’s happened to you?”

“Nothing I didn’t deserve in one way or another.” You scoffed, your words coming across blunter than you intended for them to.

“Hey, hey - don’t you ever say that,” He pulled his head from the top of your own, coaxing your face out from hiding with his hand so he could take your chin with his fingers and get you to look at him, your tired eyes reluctantly meeting his own as his thumb wiped your tears away into damp streaks. “Don’t you ever say that, do you hear me, Y/N? This - none of this - you could ever deserve.”

You were too tired to argue, instead letting your gaze fall to his chest, your head bobbing with a subtle nod. “Can we... wait till later to talk more about this...? I just want to go to sleep.”

“Only if you can promise me three things.”

You nodded. Anything for you.

You moved your legs out of the way, untucking them from your chest, and gently did he take your right hand in his, his fingers brushing over your palm so you’d open your hand fully, and gently did his thumb stroke the length of your index finger.

“One,” He closed his hand softly around your index finger. “That we will talk about this - please, Y/N, don’t just say that to get me to leave you alone because I won’t.”

“I promise.”

“Two,” He followed suit with your middle finger, the warmth of his hand on your slightly smaller one soothing. “That you won’t hurt yourself. Please promise me that.”

“I’ll - try not to. I promise.”

He gave you a look, one that pleaded for you to swear to him - and that’s where the third request came in, and he took your ring finger into his grasp before fully enclosing your hand in his. “Promise me you’ll come to me - that you’ll try - to ask me for help, please. You can’t keep doing this, Y/N - I want to be there for you.”

You leaned forward, your forehead coming to rest against his shoulder once more and you nodded, though you weren’t entirely sure if he noticed it. “I promise.”

The ever so soothing, safe feeling of Arthur’s arms wrapping around you overcame you, and for the first time that day were you able to close your eyes and not feel afraid of whatever was waiting for you. It would be daylight in a few hours, and both you and Arthur had work that morning - but something told you neither of you would be going in.

“I love you, Y/N, more than anything do I love you. We’ll figure something out - we’ll get you help - you aren’t going to do this alone anymore, I swear on my life.”

At Arthur’s words did you press yourself further into him, nodding once more as you felt his hand come to brush through your hair. The couch was wasn’t very big, it was hardly big enough for the two of you to lay on together, but at the moment neither of you quite felt like moving to the bedroom so awkwardly did you shift yourselves around enough so you were almost fully on top of Arthur, your bodies fit together snugly.

Help.

It was something almost foreign to you.

You felt beyond help; that nasty little voice that was, usually much louder in doing so, telling you that you were beyond it, that there was none for you.

But for once, you didn’t listen.

No, you didn’t know if anything could help - but for Arthur, you’d try.

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taglist;

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