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hauskate · 1 year

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One Night [ Yuji Itadori x Fem!Reader ]

Pairings: Yuji Itadori, Implied Female Reader

Description: You hadn't seen each other since high school - and nothing has changed, right?

TW: 18+ content, language, body worship, praise kink, sub reader, soft dom yuji, oral (f receiving), no mention of condoms (wrap it before you tap it), both of you are so damn loud, friends to lovers, overstim if you squint, this man is so precious oml

Word Count: 1k

♡ You’d been best friends all of high school (and always thought him considerably attractive).

♡ But the first day you saw him on campus? Sure it’d been a few years since you’d gotten your bachelor’s, but god damn he’d aged well. Reeking of testosterone, he carried broad shoulders, toned arms, and had grown more than a foot taller than you - yet his previous sparkling eyes and light pink hair had never changed.

♡ Not to mention the second he made eye contact, you knew it was all over.

♡ So, only a few hours later you found yourself on his locked door and roommate gone. He had you pushed against the cold wood, legs wrapped around his thin waist and gasping for air. The makeout session had only gone on for a few minutes, but the dark, lustful eyes of his let you know there’d be more to come.

♡ His touches were gentle, caressing your figure as if it were glass. However, even the most loving can get impatient - and he wasn’t spared.

♡ Picking you up without breaking the kiss, Yuji laid you down on his single bed. The plush sheets stirred under you, and he gave you no time before gently pulling on your shirt hem.

♡ “Is this okay..?” His caution was adorable, but the heat growing in your lower stomach had you answering rather quickly. “Aww, I see someone’s needy~”

♡ You weren’t the only one, though. As soon as your bra and panties were off, his tongue was diving into your velvety walls. Both hands gripped his hair, holding on for dear life as your childhood best friend ate you out as if you were his last meal.

♡ “Yuji… Yuji, I- r-right there- ah~ fuck fuck fuck..”

♡ It took no time at all for you to get through several orgasms, legs shaking so badly he had to wrap his arms around them to keep you still.

♡ He let you calm down for a moment, breath still uneven. His figure glistened with sweat, hair matted, abs tight, and lustful eyes drinking in the sight of you.

♡ "You're so good for me darling…" He muttered, finally coming up from your dripping cunt.

♡ His words were sweeter than you'd imagined, eyes and hands worshiping every part of you. It was too much for you- you needed more.

♡ "Baby… Baby I need you so- so badly… Need your dick… please… "

♡ Little did you know it took every ounce of control not to rail you into next Tuesday. Little did you know how often he'd thought about you, for all those years he's just waited for the chance to see you again. Little did you know that he'd been dreaming of this very moment, stroking himself nearly every night just wishing those hands were your gorgeous pussy.

♡ His lustful eyes softened, fearful of hurting you. What if he had ruined your friendship? The thoughts wrestled with him for a while, until your sweet lips cut them off.

♡ Once you'd pulled away, a small "you're sure…?" left him one last time, his feather-light touch grazing your thighs in admiration. "I don't want to hurt you…"

♡ "Please… Please just fuck me, Yuji-"

♡ And that was all he needed before unzipping his pants, hands shaking and relying on you for some help.

♡ He didn't need much help after that, though.

♡ Lining himself up with you, his large hands made you look him in the eye. "I want you to tell me exactly what you're feeling. To be honest, I don't entirely know what I'm doing because I'm… actually a virgin…" He admitted, voice softening by the end.

♡ "Yuji.." you began, gazing lovingly into his light brown hues. He began to look away, but you gently pulled him back. "I am too." The two of you held a meaningful gaze, filled with raw emotion.

♡ And with that, without wasting a moment, he slid in you. It was a perfect fit, and he went slowly to allow you to adjust.

♡ It didn't take long, though, before your whimpers became loud moans- it was impossible to keep quiet. His dick touched every spot that made your body shake, hands gripping your soft breasts and hot mouth kissing you as if he'd never be able to do this again in his life.

♡ You weren't the only one moaning, though. His were even louder, growing in volume as he hit the spot within you that made both of you see stars.

♡ Within minutes you were spasming from his quick but accurate thrusts. The bed creaked under you, and your eyes closed as you screamed "I-I'm cumming… Yuji, Y-Yuji, I- fuck~!"

♡ "L-Let it out, darling… Let me hear those sweet sounds of yours. You're- You're so good for me," he groaned into your ear, not far behind himself.

♡ Yuji's always had some of the best stamina you'd ever seen, but that wasn't the case when he had his world underneath him. His breath became short pants, sounds getting so loud that most likely the entire campus could hear what was going on.

♡ And before long, both of you came to your climax. It was the strongest feeling you'd ever had, back arching, toes curling, vision going white- the only word you seemed to know was Yuji's name. He was the same way, praising you through his own orgasm.

♡ The two of you helped each other through it, soft touches and sounds of pleasure filling the room.

♡ Ever so slowly you both came back to the land of the living, his arms wrapping themselves around your figure. He pulled the blankets up over you, smiling and panting in the same breath.

♡ "I love you," he muttered, tangling his hand in your hair. "I've always loved you, Y/n."

♡ "I love you, too, Yuji."

i am so sorry to those who wanted to be on the taglist - for some reason the comments aren't showing up on my other post, so either leave them here or send them to my inbox. thanks so much! love you guys/gals/nonbinary pals <3

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chemistryread · 2 years

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washing machine heart

robert 'bob' floyd

summary: a regular night turns into an opportunity during a game of truth or dare, thanks to jake.

disclaimers/tags: minors dni. female reader. no Y/N.

a/n: ok so while i finish right cowboy, wrong time’s last chapter, have a short bob one shot! i wanted to turn the ending into smut but maybe next time. the title is just because i was listening to the song while writing this, and thinking about how reader wants bob. lmk your thoughts :)

The book you had promised to yourself that you'd read at least one chapter of now sits untouched on your lap, as you type away on your phone.

You're occupying the entire loveseat, stretched legs, arms above your head, screen shining brightly over your face. Everyone else sits on the armchairs or the floor, since you refused to give away any space.

"Jesus, you're not even reading, go be on your phone somewhere else."

"I was here first, Jake. Stop stressing, you're gonna get wrinkly."

The Dagger Squad fills the base's 'peace room'. That's how you all decided to call it after you agreed you'd not bring any training tensions into it, but it became a very ironic name given that Bradshaw and Seresin were constantly working to shred any semblance of peace in the area. And so it stuck.

It was supposed to be a very boring Tuesday night. If only you knew.

Coyote and Hangman peer pressure a group of Navy pilots into playing truth or dare, spinning an empty Gatorade bottle.

A middle-school energy fills the room quickly.

Phoenix is dared to poke her tongue up Fanboy's nose. Payback gets Hangman to tell the story of his first blackout, and how he embarrassed himself in front of a pretty nurse and her doctor husband. Nat asks Rooster if his mustache is real, which turns into daring him to let her and Fanboy pull on it at the same time. Brown eyes fill with tears, but he swears it only hurt a little.

You're too lost in your texting to really pay attention, until Seresin calls your name.

Head turning, the group seems to remember you are there.

"What?"

"Care to participate for once?"

It's not that you dislike fun, you love it, it just so happens that what Hangman considers fun tends to make you roll your eyes. When you told him as much, he obnoxiously read it as you being too no-nonsense. Now, he takes every possible opportunity to fuck with you.

To see the fire in his eyes, you decide to play along. Sitting up and cracking your neck.

"Sure. Dare."

Six people woo. Your expression remains unamused, communicating to the main instigator that you're not scared of his antics.

"I don't know why you decided to grace me with this tonight, God, but thank you-"

"Get to it, airhead."

"I dare you to take a trip down memory lane and stop at Seven Minutes in Heaven." Some scoff, you only chuckle. Predictable. "Me, Rooster or Bob. What's your pick?"

Phoenix smirks your way.

"I get to choose? Uncharacteristically nice of you."

"So?"

This will be good.

"Bob."

Spines straigthen and heads snap up, glancing between you and the mousy young man hugging his knees up to his chest in the corner.

Jake looks utterly confused.

"What?"

"Contrary to your delusions, Bagman, not everyone is invested in your dick measuring contest with Rooster. Just because you're the loudest doesn't mean you've caught my eye."

"But baby on board?"

Shrugging, you manage to mask your excitement pretty well, you hope. Truth be told, reserved and kind was always your type.

Big, round eyes. Lightly curled hair. Neat look, with an effort. You know it takes confidence to be unapologetically modest in a testosterone exhibit such as the Navy. Bob doesn't care, and that is very attractive. The day he told Seresin he always manages to offend, calling out his bullshit, you had stifled a satisfied laugh behind your fist, clicking your pen. He glanced back at you, and the proud albeit flustered smile has been seared into your brain ever since.

You like to believe the two of you get each other. Maybe you lean into the jokes a little more, but your words have similar bites, carrying the same goal of taking these raging overinflated egos down a notch.

"Your roster. Plus, I'm curious." Usually, you don't target him, spare him of the teasing. He gets enough. But now, you lean on the edge of the loveseat, biting your lip when you look his way, finally noticing the book balancing on his knees. "Are you even playing?"

"No, I said I wasn't. At the beginning."

Jake's lips start to move, probably to say you'd have no choice but to go for him or one of your oldest friends who you had said you'd never swap spit with because of how weird it would feel. So him.

You cut him off, still watching Bob. "You are now."

The group laughs, you stand up, smoothing down inappropriate short pijama shorts, and he burns up.

Natasha, the only person who has caught on to your crush on her backseater, clears her throat. "Pantry? We can lock the door with one of the stools from the kitchen."

"A-are we actually doing this?"

He finally gets up, mimicking your actions and nervously straightening his shirt.

"Do you have somewhere to be in the next seven minutes?"

Rooster interrups your flirting with a belly laugh. "Relax, baby Bob, she's never kissed anyone during that game. I would be more worried she might punch you. That happened once, ninth grade."

In your mighty defense, you said no and the boy still made a move. Your hand happened to come up at the same time. With a lot of force. Into his nose.

"No distractions!"

Payback rips your book and phone from your hands. You chuckle at how unaware they are, you're not planning on cowering from this one.

When the two of you reach the door, you turn back to Bob, setting a timer on his wristwatch. You feel his arm hair stand up as your fingers work the band, undoing the strap and chucking it to Phoenix.

The last thing you see is Hangman's furrowed brow and crossed arms. "I can't believe this."

It's very dark, once the door is closed.

"Lights on or off?" You joke.

"Up to you." His voice is shaky, swallowing dry. Butterflies flutter in your stomach at the idea that you make him feel like this.

Blue eyes shine, and you can make out the silhouette of his face, a bit of a pink tinge to his cheeks. Scared the brightness would give your own anxiousness away, you opt to stay hidden, lights off.

He jumps when you thump heavily on the door, hearing Fanboy gasp. "Back to your game, you nosy kids. We'll be out in seven."

You stay close to it, making sure that you've been left alone for real this time.

"That was smart."

Nice, you're definitely blushing now. Thinking of a 'good girl' in his voice being added to that sentence.

"Thanks, Floyd. Means a lot coming from you."

"Oh, right. Sorry, didn't mean to sound condescending."

Curse your sarcastic nature. You're so used to it, to biting back, that sometimes it comes out when you don't mean to.

"No, no." You take a step forward, still unsure. "I meant it. I think you're probably the smartest out of all of us, and we have similar- Okay, now that sounded bitchy and narcissistic. Everyone in there is obviously very intelligent, I genuinely think so, I just meant- Uhm, what I meant was-"

"Wait," He breathes out your name. "Are you nervous?"

Bob is leaning on one of the shelves, practically sitting on it, across the room. Arms behind his back, one shoe propped up, in a way that highlights defined biceps and thick thighs. You audibly swallow.

Your eyes trace his crooked goggles, quickly fall to his lips, then snap back up to him.

"Floyd, have you noticed I didn't say 'don't try anything'?"

He smiles, and you shrink, feeling small under the shy teasing coming from him. This is new. Usually, you act as equals, like-minded partners in social situations. Now, he's turning the game on you.

"Do you want to kiss me?"

Another step forward, hands behind your back, like his, and a small tug of your lips.

"Like I said, I'm curious."

"Curious?"

His arms cross in front of his chest now, legs spreading, looking even more appetizing.

A sheepish smile covers your features, eyes effortlessly dragging over his body, head to toe. You hope he is seeing this.

"Just, uhm," You chuckle. "I don't know. Every time we hang out, there are these little moments, fleeting, that I think- I think there's something there. A pull. When your jokes fly over Hangman and Coyote's heads, when you basically only speak to back up Natasha no matter what, when you let them mock your game just to pocket three in a row. I see all of that, and I think you see me seeing it. And you like it. But maybe I'm being conceited."

"You're not."

His voice goes somehow lower, soft twang to his accent bleeding out more, even with two simple words. You're quickly crumbling under his stare, transfixed on the way his teeth trap the bottom lip, pink turning redder.

He has built the same walls you have that aren't easy to break down. Different from the others. Uncharted territory, and you're fumbling big time.

"Mhm." Cracking your knuckles behind your back, looking at his shoes. "But we don't have to, if you don't want to. I hope I'm not being pushy, really, I've just thought about this before and it's like scratching an itch inside of my brain. Phoenix knows, by the way, so she's probably gonna tease the hell out of both of us when we-"

Large hands pull you by the waist, foreheads bumping very lightly before his lips are tugging on yours.

Bob tastes amazing, like the hibiscus tea he was just having. His hands are calloused but not rough, or maybe that's just the way he's using them.

It takes you a second to react, so he moves back, preparing to mutter an apology between your parted lips. But, with your eyes still closed, your hands finally revive and wrap around his neck, pulling him to you again.

You're stuck together, as if by a gravitational pull, legs trapped inside of his spread, in a way that you have to bend your neck down to meet him.

Fingertips slide an inch down his waistband and you realize he skipped the underwear.

You open up for his tongue to swipe under yours, and it's a divine feeling. Your heads move back and forth naturally, chasing each other. Scratching his neck, his throat, clinging to the collar of his shirt.

It happens fast.

A desperate bite to your lip and you forget to contain your moan, totally mindless of where you are and grinding down on him. You feel him buckle, his groan so breathy and restrained swallowed down your throat, and he changes your position. So now he's pressing you against the shelf, crotch fitting perfectly against your hips, one hand coming up to pull on your hair, grazing your breast on the way, while the other grabs your ass like he depends on it to breathe. Funny, since you're not doing much of that anyway.

You probably waste three minutes doing that.

It would be so easy. Your shorts are thin and, well, lacking length. He's wearing sweatpants. So, so easy to just…

A loud knock. Rooster. Thirty seconds left, and then the stool goes back to its original place.

Bob sighs, lifiting your chin with his index, thumb running across your bottom lip delicately, setting you up for another kiss. Reluctantly, you stop him.

"Should take those thirty seconds to sort that out."

He follows your gaze, down to his erection pushing against the fabric.

"Oh." At last, his hands leave you, fast and sorely missed. He steps back, blushing furiously in the dark.

"Take a seat, breathe. We'll stall."

He does, sitting on the floor of the pantry as you turn the lights on. You don't regret the inital decision to leave them off, the brightness makes both of you wince.

It's definitely awkward to watch him try to concentrate and will his hard-on away, but it would be worse to help and have him walk out of your little game with an unmistakable stain in his pants.

You pick a jar of cherries, popping one into your mouth and crouching next to him, hand soothing his shoulder. He jumps.

"Don't do that!"

An apology is spat out amidst unstoppable laughter. Another right after when he glares at you. Yeah, you can't do much here.

You're laying on the floor, opposite to him, chewing cherries and silently laughing at his state.

"At least they're black. It's not as easy to see."

"It's not gonna go away."

"Just say you're going to the bathroom."

"That's too obvious."

"Fine, bedroom then. I bored you to death and you're sleepy."

"Hardly true." He blushes again and you grin, toothy and proud. "Stop! You're not helping. This is your fault, telling me you've thought about me, talked to Phoenix about it. A girl like you…What did you think was gonna happen?"

He's more helpless, than angry. A self-satisfied grin blossoms on your face. Simply knowing you think and talk about him got him hard. You bite the inside of your cheek to avoid making things worse again. Sitting up, you breathe in, working on how to make sure you come across as genuine as possible.

"Bob, I'm not just fucking around." His eyes squint behind the goggles. Your hand slides on the carpet, pinky curling around his. "I really like you."

His eyes roam your face, smile lines strengthened, and he's going to say something when Phoenix opens the door.

You retrieve your hand.

"It's been eight minutes. You're up."

Her dark eyes investigate everything in the room, including the both of you.

"Oh, we got lost talking about our books, sorry."

You throw her a very suspicious smile, bumping her shoulder lightly on your way out. She chuckles under her breath.

Jake and Javy took over the loveseat and you're arguing with them when Bob announces he's turning in.

He walks with the book in front of his crotch, and Nat nearly chokes on her water. After he leaves, she's quickly pulling on your elbow.

"We're gonna go too, goodnight!"

Thankfully, your and Bob's rooms are on separate ways, passing by a very impatient Hangman.

"You guys suck."

You bend down to whisper in his ear. "You're just moody because you got no action tonight."

His blond head whips around, yelling for you as Natasha drags you along.

"Did he? DID HE?"

#robert floyd #bob floyd #bob floyd x reader #top gun maverick #tgm #lewis pullman

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neurosses · 3 months

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Excerpt from Chapter 14 (unpublished) of Concorde!

Ronan shouldn’t be here. He glares across the restaurant at Blue Sargent, who’s taking another customer’s order. Until she comes back, he’s alone with the new couple, an unlucky observer to Adam’s playacting as a normie with his Mountain View boyfriend. They’d only come here because Blue and Adam’s schedules had trouble realigning, and Blue promised that Nino’s was never as busy Tuesday evenings. Now she’s scurrying around fulfilling orders while fighting off a chronic look of contempt every time a raven boy waves her over. Poor asshole. Adam nudges Ronan’s leg with his, and Ronan focuses on him. Charlie’s gaze is heavy with expectation, so he must’ve asked Ronan a question that he rudely ignored. Everything about Charlie is infuriating: that he was given an admittedly sexy name like Charles and made it a toothless “Charlie”; that he’s long and lanky with pale blue eyes, pale body settled into dark ripped clothes (Seriously, he can’t believe Adam is dating a doppelganger of him. But if Ronan mentions something about it, he’s the asshole.); that he’s making out with Adam on the regular. The third thing will drive Ronan crazy if he allows it to. Ronan says, “Whatever.” “Uh.” Charlie looks at Adam. Adam is unfair today. He’s wearing a white shirt with a worn fleece jacket and blue denim, the tips of his ears pink. His gaze runs over the greasy Nino’s menu like they both haven’t seen it hundreds of times before, like Gansey doesn’t drag them out here at least once a week. “He asked you about the farm, Lynch.” “The farm’s fucking fine,” Ronan says. He shoves fries into his mouth. Adam rolls his eyes and grabs Charlie’s hand. “He’s in a mood,” Adam says quietly, which Ronan is sure he’s not supposed to hear. “Don’t worry, it’s not about you.” A blatant and totalizing lie, said with breathless ease. The things that Ronan would do to that mouth. Ronan makes a derisive sound, still chewing. Charlie says, a forced smile on his lips, “You both have any classes together this year?” “Latin,” Adam says. “I have Math with Gansey.” “That’s cool.” Charlie looks over his shoulder to look out for Blue; she catches his eye and mouths five minutes. “Thank god I share classes with Blue. School’s so filled with assholes. Always some guy high off his own machismo picking a fight, and then everyone’s called down to the gym to listen to a life coach lecture us about conflict resolution.” “I got in a fight,” Ronan says. Adam turns his head away, the dingy lighting stark on his tanned neck. He cut his hair recently. Ronan knows he’s forcing the corners of his mouth not to lift. “Oh.” Charlie takes an awkward bite of his pizza. It’s pepperoni. “Was it for a good reason?” “I’m just really concerned about my testosterone levels,” Ronan says blandly. “Shut the fuck up,” Adam says, not quite able to deaden the laugh underneath his words. He grabs a bunch of crumbs from the bottom of the pizza box and throws them at Ronan, who uses his arm to protect his face. “You’re so insufferable.” Charlie smiles hesitantly, looking between the two of them. Ronan grabs Adam’s wrist and Adam’s hand twists easily into a middle finger, the casual physical domesticity baked into them by the slow IV drip that is years of connective interpersonal tissue, and there is no way in. Ronan doesn’t allow a way in, never asking Charlie any questions, never saying anything about himself that Adam doesn’t provoke him into revealing, a complete brick wall even when Blue finally gets on break and slips into a chair beside them. No, he’s not going to try for Adam’s boyfriend. Not when it should be Ronan, and Adam knows it.

You can read Chapters 1 to 13 here.

#concorde #:-)

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canirove · 1 year

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Bluebell | Chapter 20

Author's note: Wish I had the polls thing to ask you who do you think she's chosen before next Tuesday's chapter 😅

Previous chapter | Next chapter

Masterlist

"Why are we meeting her upstairs in her apartment?" Mason asks.

"Because she isn't feeling well" Lindsey replies.

"Is it serious?" Rúben asks.

"It is serious."

"You are scaring me, Linds."

"She isn't dying, Mount. Don't worry. Though she may look like it."

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"They are here" Lindsey says, opening my room's door.

"Ask them to come in, please.”

"Oh God" Mason says when he sees me. "What happened to you?"

"Are you alright?" Rúben asks.

"Yeah, yeah. Just very nauseous."

"Is there a virus in town or something?" Mason asks.

"Yes, one called not using protection when you have sex" Lindsey says from the door.

"What?" both Rúben and Mason say at the same time, looking from her to me.

"I am… pregnant! Surprise!" I say, trying to smile but definitely only managing to make a weird face.

"I'm sorry you are what?"

"I'm pregnant, Mason."

"Rúben, did she just say what I think she said?" he asks him.

"Yep" Rúben says, his eyes fixed on me. "And I have the feeling that she doesn't know who is the father because she was with both of us on the same week."

"Wait what?" Mason asks.

"I don't know, no. At least not yet."

"This is... This is crazy" Mason says, starting to pace around the room.

"Can they tell you?" Rúben asks.

"I went to the doctor last week and they couldn't tell the exact date because, as you said, we were together too close in time."

"Fantastic" Mason snorts.

"But they can do a dna test in a few weeks."

"How?" Rúben asks.

"It is a blood test. They won't touch the baby."

"Good."

"Good? Just good? How can you be so calm?" Mason asks Rúben.

"Freaking out like that won't help us, Mount."

"I'm sorry if I'm freaking out, Dias" he says. "But I came here expecting to finally hear her tell us who she is picking, not to be told than in a few months I may be a father, which complicates things even more."

"Don't you want her to have the baby?"

"I haven't said such thing" Mason replies. "I'll respect whatever she chooses to do, and if that is my baby, I'll be by their side."

"Even if she has chosen me?"

"Yes, even so. Can you say the same, Mayor?"

"I'm not a coward, Mount."

"Neither am I."

"Ok, that's enough" I say, raising my voice and starting to feel nauseous again. "Both of you have made it clear that whatever happens, you won't run away and will support me, and I thank you for it. But I'm feeling like shit, and a testosterone contest isn't what I need right now."

"What can we do for you, then?" Rúben asks.

"I know you are tired of hearing this, but I need some space. My life has gone upside down again, and I need to adjust to it. So until we get that test done and we know who is the father, I'm just asking you to behave yourselves and let me breath."

"Ok" Mason says. "But... I'm sorry, I have to ask. Will that result change anything? Will it change your mind about who you have chosen?"

"It won't. I promise you it won’t."

#mason mount #ruben dias #mason mount x reader #ruben dias x reader #mason mount fanfic #ruben dias fanfic #mason mount imagine #ruben dias imagine #football fanfic #football imagine

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darklydeliciousdesires · 1 year

Text

The Dark Passenger - Chapter Two.

I am absolutely thrilled with how well received this was, so decided to treat you all to another update, because I’m kind like that! :)

Previous chapters - One

Words - 3,093

Warnings - 18+ content throughout, minors DNI!

Tag list - In the comments. Please DM to be added/removed

The vibe on Friday night was completely different to when he’d visited The Luna Lounge on a quiet Tuesday, EZ entering the establishment to find it absolutely packed out. He expected no less; the music louder, the air thicker with testosterone, although, he noted, there were quite a few groups of women in attendance, the pounding roar of You Could be Mine by Guns N’ Roses blasting through the club as the girls on stage gyrated to the beat.

He ordered a beer, thanking the bartender before strolling around, his eyes locking upon Camille, his heart flipping as soon as he saw her invert on the pole and slowly slide down, caressing her neck with her neon blue fishnet gloved hands, her underwear matching, the small crowd before her going wild, bills flung in her direction, as naturally they would be.

He slowed, pausing for a second, making sure she saw him before he kept right on walking, heading to the end, where Raven danced like an amped up hellion, standing right in front of her. He could see out of the corner of his eye that Camille had noticed, her eyes flitting over to him, wondering why he’d blown her off in favour of another. And boy, it pissed her off.

Ever since Tuesday, she’d found herself thinking about him, the guy who she’d danced for, and perhaps enjoyed more than she should have. She knew how to have that professional veneer up, even when her clientele was attractive, she had to hold back, not let the lines blur, but as she’d gyrated against him and watched his eyes burn gold as he came, something had been stirred within her, a switch turned on, a flame lit. She was heavily attracted to him, she had to admit.

There was something there, and she knew it. She knew he knew it, too, yet there he was right in front of Raven, and not her. This did not sit well. Suddenly, Camille questioned whether or not there’d be a connection there at all, for him to return to her workplace and not immediately seek her out. If she had been less mildly irritated by it, she might have cottoned on to the game he was playing with her.

EZ could tell with each little glance he offered in her direction that she was negatively affected by his tactics, smirking to himself as he turned his attentions back to Raven, smiling widely at her when she leaned down to pick up her money, sliding a ten into the top of her bra. She blew him a little kiss, continuing to gyrate for him, her curtain of silky, black hair swaying as she moved to the beat, EZ thinking how eclectic the DJ was to follow GnR with Rick Ross.

Camille wasn’t stupid, and by that time she’d sussed his game. Why would he have one eye perpetually on her rather than both focusing on the girl in front of him if he didn’t want to provoke some kind of reaction? She slipped a few times, throwing a dark look in his direction, not appreciating someone playing her like that, but otherwise didn’t react.

She was a tougher nut to crack than EZ had first anticipated. He wouldn’t budge, though. He was much too used to having women fawning over him, his status as El Presidente meaning that he truly did have the pick of whoever he wanted. Camille was no hanger on, though. She was someone who, although regretful over her decision not to go and enjoy the tall, handsome biker, took a little more effort to bed. Especially in the wake of the behaviour she witnessed that night.

Before long, she was exiting the stage, going back to change into a little white lace dress, her neon blue underwear showing through, just as she wanted it to, taking a tour of the tables, schmoozing the guests, flirting up a storm in order to secure the lucrative commodity that was the private dance. She secured one with a college kid, the young guy twenty-one if a day, and a little startled looking, knowing she’d have to be gentle with him. She was perceptive enough to know what would work best in way of tease with her clientele.

For this guy, she perhaps wouldn't grind against him quite as fiercely as she had the big, leather clad dude whose eyes she could feel upon her as she led her customer into the private room, but who was nowhere to be seen when she emerged a while later. She shrugged it off, continuing her tour of the club floor, securing another two dances. It was a profitable night, all thoughts of the dark-haired man who had attempted to play her leaving her mind.

That was, until he returned the following night, Camille working the floor when she saw him enter the club, giving her a little glance before heading right for the stage, embarking on exactly the same routine again and seeking to show his attention to another. This time, he chose Kellie, a girl whom Camille absolutely couldn’t stand, bitchy gossip that she was. She had few friends within The Luna Lounge, Mai and Tallulah being the sole two girls she got on well with, friends outside of work as well. Sadly, their shift patterns meant they often didn’t work at the same time.

Tallulah, or Lu for short was on that night, though, Camille replacing her on stage after an unsuccessful tour of the floor for private dances, the girls exchanging a little cheek kiss as they passed.

“It’s tough out there tonight, babe,” Camille told her friend, Tallulah widening her eyes a little bit.

“Yeah, they need more alcohol in ‘em, loosen those wallets a little!” She snickered softly with laughter, climbing up to the stage, passing Kellie by and taking a glance at the gorgeous Latino man she was dancing for. He didn’t even look at her. She would bend to him this time, he knew she would, watching her as she began to dance, her eyes flitting over to him every so often, checking to see if he was watching her. Of course, he wasn’t.

“That’s right, babe. You work for it.” he thought, smirking to himself. He wasn’t about to give it, though, and in his arrogance, he thought Camille’s display was mainly for his benefit. It wasn’t.

Well, maybe a tiny bit. A girl had money to earn, though. Where the man she desired so heavily was concerned, she was determined not to break, almost as much as he was adamant that he wouldn’t make the first move on her. She would come to him. As it turned out, though, an external force acted upon the latter, spurring him toward her, but not because of anything relating to his attraction to her.

Keeping his focus on Kellie, he heard the commotion before turning his head, seeing a guy reaching up to make a grab for Camille’s legs, attempting to yank her onto his lap but only succeeding in sending her off her seven-inch heels and onto her butt. He could have left it to the bouncer, but instinct kicked in, EZ crossing the ten-foot gap faster than the security and hauling the man back by his collar.

“She isn’t yours to fucking grab at, bro! What’s wrong with you?” he yelled at him, the bouncer giving him an appreciative nod before swiftly taking over, hauling the man from his grasp and out of the club. He then turned to Camille. “Are you alright?”

She winced, trying to arrange herself in a less mortifying position, her right butt cheek feeling both numb and on fire with pain. “Yeah, yeah I guess.”

She was attempting to play it down, he understood that. “Can I do anything?”

“Help me down?” He nodded, reaching under her legs and wrapping an arm around her back, lifting her off the stage. He noticed a distinct lack of care from her fellow dancers, the bouncer jogging back over to make sure she was alright, though.

“Yeah, yeah I’m okay. Thanks, Samuel,” she reassured him, sighing, not looking forward to the likely huge bruise she’d have to cover in body makeup in order to keep looking pristine while she worked.

“Cool. I’ll go and tell Martin what happened.” He exchanged another nod with EZ before leaving to head up to the owner, Martin Yorke’s office and inform him of the incident.

Turning to him, Camille smiled, leaning to kiss his cheek. “Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.” Wanting to move away from where she was being stared at, she began to limp around to the seating section, kicking her shoes off on the way, EZ following. “I appreciate you for doing so, though.”

He frowned slightly, taking a seat beside her. “You’re welcome. Women shouldn’t be grabbed at like they’re property.”

She shrugged, dropping her chin a little. “I’m used to it.”

Lowering his head, he caught her eye, frowning. “You shouldn’t have to be, Camille.”

Immediately, she sat up a little straighter. “How do you know my name?”

“I know a lot of things.” He paused for a second, studying her face, feeling himself pulled in by her all over again. “Including that you shouldn’t put up with that bullshit.”

Her eyebrows fluttered a little, Camille touching her tongue against her top lip momentarily. “But yours is okay, right?”

He felt a little affronted, not expecting her to be the type to call him out on it. Perhaps she wasn’t quite as meek as he’d thought. He recovered well, though. “I didn’t try to yank you off a stage.”

“No,” she began, cocking her head to the side, “but you did expect me to go home with you on Tuesday, and then came back here yesterday with the express purpose of ignoring me in favour of Raven because I refused. And then the same tonight, but with Kellie”

“Is that bullshit, really?”

“Some might say so.”

He snorted softly. “All I want to do is take you home and give you a damned good time. Is that really such an inconceivable idea, that two adults who find each other attractive actually admit to that and go and do something about it?”

Direct, to the point. No dancing around it, as it were. Before she could answer, though, they were joined by her boss.

“Camille, you okay, hon?” Martin asked, his eyes flitting between her and EZ a couple of times, a small frown denting his forehead.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine, just sore and a little shaken,” she confessed with a small shrug, Martin nodding. As strip club bosses went, Martin was a pretty good guy. He wasn’t a pervert, he wasn’t unfair, and he absolutely did not tolerate any of his employees being disrespected. The guy who had grabbed her would never be allowed back within The Luna Lounge. It was a small consolation for the fact that if they reported the guy in question for assault, usually nothing was done about it. Martin had been in the game for long enough to know that girls working under the banner of sex worker were not offered much respect from the authorities, if any at all.

“Take the rest of the night off, go rest and I’ll see you Tuesday. Here, take your fee back, too.” Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out two fifties, handing them to her. Each girl had to pay a fee to the club of a hundred dollars a night to dance, and a percentage of what they earned from private dances. Stage earnings were not cut into. With that, he left them to it, EZ immediately turning back to face her.

“So, that admitting?”

She had to admire his tenacity, laughing softly, shaking her head. With the rest of the night off, and the tension between them doing nothing but mounting deliciously, she considered this the universe giving her the chance for a do over. She’d ended up regretting not going home with him before. Why do so twice?

He was right. They were adults, they were attracted to one another, so why not do something about it? The chivalrous nature of him coming to her rescue in the wake of her being mauled had, in her mind, cancelled out the bullshit, his need to make her jealous. Besides, him doing that in the first place, was it really bullshit? Or creatively trying to get her attention?

Either way, her mind was made up. “Do you want to come back to my place?”

The way his face lit up as the smile spread across it, oh! He was so hot. “Yeah, I do.”

“Give me five minutes to go collect my stuff, and I’ll meet you outside.” Getting up, she was a little easier on her feet, only a slight limp to her otherwise feline glide, EZ standing and heading towards the doors, pulling his cell out as he approached his bike, leaning back against it while making a necessary call.

“Hey Gus, you alright? Bouncer didn’t rough you up too much, did he?”

“Nah, just threw me on my ass, bro,” Gus grumbled, lighting a cigarette. “You nearly fucking choked me out when you grabbed my collar, though!”

EZ laughed. “Yeah, sorry about that. Thanks, though. See you around.”

Gus grinned as he ended the call. He had absolutely no idea why the president of the Santo Padre charter of the Mayans had wanted him to grab onto that specific girl, and he hadn’t asked either. He knew though, as a street hustler, if men in greater seats of power wanted a favour and were prepared to pay well, it was always better to take the cash and keep them happy.

True, EZ likely could have simply used his own charm to get Camille into bed with him, but he sensed it would take considerably longer than he would have liked, so he cut a few corners. Also, he wasn’t prepared to bend to her either. His ego didn’t allow for it.

What little good was left within him did feel a tiny slither of regret that she’d ended up hurt, but bruises were minor. And he’d make sure he gave her such a good time, she’d forget all about it. Most, if not all women forgot their troubles when they had him between their legs.

His attention was diverted away from reading a message from his father when Camille exited the club, looking considerably more casual than he’d expected. Blue skinny jeans, a pair of tan Ugg boots, and a grey t shirt that sloped off of one shoulder. Even dressed down, she was still exquisite, though.

“My place is fifteen minutes away; the red Mustang is mine. Try to keep up.” Her little eyebrow raise made him snort laughing despite his resolve, turning to look at the car she’d just clicked her key fob in the direction of.

“Nice ride,” he commented.

“Oh yes. I am.” She was funny, he liked that, once again laughing. “What’s your name, by the way? I feel like I should know that already.”

“EZ. Short for Ezekiel.”

She nodded, hitching her bag up onto her shoulder a little higher. “I’ll see you back at my place then, EZ.” She leaned in, making like she was going to kiss him, only to move away again, her fingernail trailing his neck. It was an action that had anticipation fizzing through him. Camille knew exactly what she was doing, even though she had no idea the extent of the games he was playing against her in engineering all of this.

Throwing her bag in the trunk, she got into her car, grumbling a little when her butt stung in pain. Damn that fucking guy, but at least she’d landed on something fleshy, rather than her hip or side. “Oh well. You’re about to have your mind taken off it nicely.” she muttered to herself as she started the engine, four hundred and fifty horses ready and primed to charge beneath the hood, the V8 engine roaring as she pulled out from her place and shot across the parking lot.

She’d always said that once she earned a decent living, she’d buy herself the car to reflect such. Between her day job, stripping and her Onlyfans modelling page, she earned decently enough to afford something nice, as well as a house in one of the better areas of Santo Padre. She wasn’t made of money, the nature of her work not always reliable and meaning some months were a scrape to make the mortgage and car repayments, but she was comfortable enough.

Camille had only ever seen stripping as a way to see herself through college, until she’d qualified as a beautician, but having gotten used to the money, she had now set herself another goal which the meagre salary of a beauty therapist wasn’t enough to accomplish. She was saving to be able to open her own salon, hopefully followed by a chain.

At twenty five, she had hoped to be there already, but previous debts on a home she’d shared with her ex, a home he’d absconded from and left her with a tonne on rent arrears around her neck had somewhat cut into her finances over the past five years, hence even more reason to continue stripping as well as working at a salon during the day. She was often tired, but she had what she needed, financial independence.

Camille Smith would never again rely on a man for anything, even his share of the rent, hence why as soon as she was financially able, she’d bought the simple, modest home she pulled up to exactly seventeen minutes after leaving The Luna Lounge, a large Harley pulling onto the drive behind her car seconds later.

She thought she was free of the bad men of her past, but as she walked up the drive, she had no idea how truly dark to the core the one walking behind her was. When his lips began to press kisses against the bare flesh of her shoulder as she opened her front door, darkness was the furthest thing she felt from him.

When he turned her around and brought his mouth to hers, all Camille experienced was fire, kicking the door shut before bouncing up into his strong arms, the inferno between them raging, as they knew it would as soon as they gave in.

#ez reyes #ez reyes fanfiction #ez reyes smut #ez reyes imagine #ez reyes x ofc #ez reyes fanfic #ez reyes fic #mayans mc #mayans mc fanfiction #mayans mc imagine #mayans mc smut #mayans mc fanfic #mayans mc fic

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tinystepsforward · 1 year

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i am so fucking sad tonight and i used to put that stuff on here like a decade ago so here we are again ig. just.

really horrid combination of things happening right now and it makes me extra upset bc i'm into my second month on low-dose t and the first month was going so fucking well for like. being conducive to the last of my trauma recovery? and then, of course, recovery isn't linear and also my parents seem intent to retraumatise me whenever they can. but like.

english terf hits our shores

completely inescapable discourse, and also targeted abuse, on twitter and elsewhere. also i wrote an op-ed bc our media are useless and we need at least a few trans voices out there (hopefully it does get picked up, but it was gruelling to write)

my mother switches from spreading conspiracy theories about climate change to a sudden and vicious focus on trans people. not that she ever stopped being a bigot but usually it's one post every few months about how conversion therapy works and not several posts a day from people who want trans people murdered

scheduled to be interviewed for a study on conversion therapy survivors on tuesday

scheduled to go on holiday with my family on thursday. i booked a separate room so i won't have to attempt to take my (oral, twice daily with food, specifically bc the endo didn't want me on injections until we knew for sure i wouldn't need to suddenly stop t to avoid extended ptsd episodes) testosterone around family who would be very willing to attempt conversion therapy round fucking four on me

i have no idea if my job will still be there for me when i get back from this scheduled leave bc [gestures at tech companies and ai]

conference all day monday (tomorrow, technically) that i know will eat all my spoons, and that doesn't cater for my dietary needs so i'll have to pack food

and it's like. i am so sad. i am so so sad. i have been making a concerted effort w my family because my paatti (dad's mother) is in town, the one i've talked about before who doesn't know i'm gay and married bc my parents have prevented that happening. and i feel so lonely and so cut off bc as a diaspora/migrant family, and a mixed one at that, my only connection to my cultures is via my parents who fucking hate who i am. so i've been trying to hang out with her when they're not around. i said yes to this vacation, we'll get more time together and some pictures and stuff.

but i'm still fielding her questions about why i don't have a boyfriend. and my parents have decided to, right when i'm most stressed about being trans, and about connection to family, be the worst people they can be about it again i guess? and it's true that my conversion therapy/parental/religion trauma is the stuff i've never come back around to working on in therapy bc my parents are actively reopening the wound every few months and it's. hard to work with that.

fucking like. shocking that i recovered from ptsd once, after [black box of getting csaed more times than i can count], immediately got groomed in a way that's rly fucking complicated to talk about bc my ex is a trans woman who decided to come out as a child-grooming rapist and as trans in the same month, and terfs salivate over the idea of using people like her as a cudgel, and completely forgot that approximately 300 other things, sa and otherwise, happened to me along the way to the point where my psych said she was surprised/proud i haven't killed anyone yet.

so i'm sad about all of them at once rn except the brain injury means i can only hold about two in my active memory at a time and i keep alternating which ones i'm sad about like shuffling several decks of cards really fast i guess.

#tony muses #this is a big long vent post and mentions csa #but it's not a 'don't read will delete later' you are welcome to read it #also cw terf shit and conversion therapy and parental stuff and religious trauma and idk what needs to be tagged. cultural alienation?#i am literally just sad #and transphobes are unavoidable on twt rn

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tenacioustragedyobject · 1 year

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Hey friends!

Good news!

Tl;dr I got my Testosterone!!!

I thought you guys might want to know about the process I went through to get it because it was a hassle and a half! Before I start, I had some issues with Planned Parenthood but I am not trying in any way to condemn them. People make mistakes which is fine and I just happened to be on the end of that.

So, first off, I made an appointment with Planned Parenthood to start HRT. The staff was wonderful and worked with me to get the dosage I wanted. Awesome!

So, they sent the prescription off to my pharmacy, told me it'd be ready that day, and I went that evening to see if I could pick it up.

Pharmacy tells me there's no prescription in the system for me and that I need to call my prescriber. I call Planned Parenthood and the person on the phone tells me there's been an error and that it was never sent over, then they switched me to another person who said they did send it over and I needed to talk to the pharmacy. Okay…

So, I go back to the pharmacy and talk to a different person who says they do have it on file and it'll be ready in 40 minutes. Great! Twenty minutes later, the pharmacy person says that they can't fill it because insurance hasn't approved it. Okay…

So, I call insurance and they tell me that I need prior authorization from my primary care doctor (not the person who prescribed it). Well, my doctor's office is closed for the night but I can send a message on the app and they'll get back to me when they can.

So, I leave a message and the next morning a nurse replies that they can do it but they may need to refer me to endocrinology which could take a week or longer.

So, I wait the rest of the day and then the weekend (they're closed on the weekend) and on Monday I get a call from a different nurse who basically told me that they can't give me prior authorization because they didn't prescribe it in the first place. Okay…

So, I call back my insurance for clarification and they tell me that the prior authorization can be from my primary care doctor OR the doctor who prescribed it.

So, I call Planned Parenthood again and they send it off to the prior authorization department and tell me it could take 24 hours to get through to insurance and insurance told me it would take 24 hours to approve once they got prior authorization so that's another couple days I need to wait. Okay…

So, on Tuesday, I get a call from my dad who's at the pharmacy asking if I have a prescription that requires a needle and I'm like yup 👍 and he's like cool, I'm picking it up for you right now. Yay! I have a really long day and don't get home until like 9pm and when I get home I find the needles and syringes at my spot at the table, but no testosterone.

Now, the tricky part here is that I haven't actually told my family yet about the testosterone so at this point idk if my dad picked it up and is deliberately hiding it from me, picked it up and put it somewhere weird accidentally, or didn't pick it up at all or what. And I'm tired as all hell cause I usually go to bed at like 9pm and it's been a long day.

So, next morning, I call the pharmacy. They're still waiting on insurance. Okay, disappointed, but at least my dad didn't do something uncalled for.

So, I wait and wait and then on Friday I get a call from Planned Parenthood that my insurance denied me. Fuck…

But! The person from Planned Parenthood tells me that I do have other options! After talking with them I decide that um actually fuck insurance, I'll pay out of pocket for it I don't care. (Yes, I recognize that I'm privileged to be able to do that)

So, then they tell me that they need to slightly change the prescription to make sure the pharmacy will actually have it. Okay. Also, they're sending it to a different pharmacy so I can get it cheaper. Awesome!

So, I go to that pharmacy later and they don't have it. They have nothing on file for me. So I wait a couple days and still nothing. Call Planned Parenthood again, and it turns out they didn't send it to a different pharmacy, they sent it to my normal pharmacy who didn't call me to say they had it cause they thought it was waiting on insurance. Okay.

So, this morning, I go to my normal pharmacy and I ask for my prescription, they say it's waiting on insurance. I ask if I can pay out of pocket since my insurance is definitely not covering it. They say sure!

So, finally, they gave it to me! I had to pay more than I was expecting to pay but I got it and I can finally inject it tonight!

So yeah, it was a long process with several ups and downs and so many phone calls. But! I got my testosterone! It is in my grubby little hands and I get to take my first dose tonight finally!

And it is 100% worth the wait. But! I shouldn't have had to wait! We shouldn't have to jump through hoops to get HRT. I have never had to do this with any other medications!

Anyway, thanks so much for reading my rambling and I hope you have a lovely day and get any and all medications you need today!

#Trans #Transmasc #Transgender #HRT #Testosterone #Enby #Nonbinary #Transmasculine

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arthur-r · 7 days

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things about today (some good some bad)

i’m doing an open mic which i’m excited for but also nervous for, but mostly excited. four college friends will be coming to see me!!!! which makes me sort of nervous, but also sort of excited. those are the two emotions shdhdf. i’m going to play “good boy!” (my dog song) and “overloaded” (my autistically traumatized song) because those are the ones that my little sister said i should pick. and she made a good decision. anyway i’m a bit anxious about it but it should be good.

my ten page paper? IT’S DOUBLE SPACED. which means what i thought was not even half done, is basically finished. there’s still a lot to add, but everything is gonna be okay. i can finally go to sleep before 1 tonight!!!!

i have programming homework to do which feels stupid and stressful and unnecessary. i’m ready to be done with this class. i don’t want to never use my java knowledge again, but i also don’t want to be in school for it anymore!! which means i’ll never really have a good enough grasp on it to use it again.

i feel sick maybe?? i can’t really tell, i showered today and i didn’t sleep well last night and i walked home from class instead of taking the bus, so it makes sense to not be feeling well. but i’m nervous of if it lasts.

i’m moving out really soon now. i’m turning eighteen really soon now!!!! i’m taking a lot of finals really soon now. there’s a lot going on. but there’s thirteen days left before we move out from school (according to somebody else i didn’t fact check her and we might be leaving on different days) and that’s not a lot of days. and i’m turning eighteen on saturday. which means i have a meeting for testosterone on tuesday!!!! and i have a lot of papers and projects to do in the meantime.

i have one presentation that i haven’t started on even a little bit. which is the first thing to turn in as part of a whole entire research project that i haven’t started on even a little bit. i just haven’t researched it at all. there’s still time to turn around and say it’s about peter mark roget but i’m not gonna. cause that would be cheating and it would be harder in the long run cause i’d care too much about making it good. so i’m doing a stupid project about a binder full of asexual awareness and culture that they have at my school’s queer people center, that nobody knows about and i’m one of the only people who has read it, and my teacher will think that’s so compelling and interesting and it won’t matter that i have no information about its history because material culture is a mysterious field where you don’t actually need to know anything if you don’t want to. history is optional i just need to look at it.

i still have a really awful stomachache. i don’t want to be done with school because i love it a lot, but i also want to be done with school because it makes me anxious and sick and buried in tasks and i’m so tired. but i’m going to be so upset to go home too. but i’ll have more time to actually be around and talk to my friends, and that’s gonna be really good.

i’m worried about my little sister, and i don’t know how to help her. and i shouldn’t share a lot of details in actual public, even though just my friends are gonna see this. but she’s been acting out in actually really scary ways and i’m worried for what she’s going through. so it will be good to be home and be able to really talk to her. and i miss her.

i just have this awful chest pain and the feeling that i call there-is-nothing-behind-these-eyes. sleeping will help i hope. it’s making it difficult to get my programming homework done. i have an hour before i have to leave for the open mic, i can do this.

also here are my assignments left: regular programming homework due tonight, latin test tomorrow morning, programming big scary lab due tomorrow night, material culture presentation on friday (and i have work), programming test on saturday (which is also my birthday and i also have work), then a little break from deadlines (there’s normal homework but i don’t feel like counting it, and also more work) and then material culture paper due friday the 3rd (when all my classes will finish also, and also i have work), latin final that sunday, programming final on monday, my mom gets here on monday (after i have work) and we pack up and everything and then i go home on tuesday. and then on that friday my most important of all of my final will be due my history research paper. turned in online. then i will have no school until sometime in june i think!!!! and that will just be online too.

anyway i have a stomachache and my brain hurts but everything will be fine. i’m making it through. i’m finishing my programming, and i’m going to an open mic, and i’m coming home and i’m going to sleep. and tomorrow i’ll start my research due friday. and that’s fine and normal and i’ll be fine.

sorry for just throwing words around, i hope everybody is doing well. i’m gonna try drinking water and maybe that will fix me. and i’ll be around again later maybe. i’m gonna make it through this school year!!!! and i’m gonna sleep for a really long time.

#sorry for listing homework on dash it will happen again 😞#that’s exactly how i feel rn: 😞#i need to sleep so bad. WISH ME LUCK. i will make it through this school year #i hope everybody is doing well. lmk if you need anything. i’ll probably be absent from like 6-9 central though #but i should be around before and after!! and text me whenever and i can get back to you of course #and ANYWAY i hope everybody has a good night. and i am sending love 💛🐻🍁#me. my post. mine.#delete later

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nathank77 · 18 days

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4/13/24

12:28 a.m

So I'm still worried that I was percribed a placebo for Xanax because I was percribed hydroxyzine to take at bedtime although it was for seasonal allergies.

I'm mostly worried bc my Xanax didn't have a sticker on top saying, "keep away from children." However today when I picked up my testosterone, it usually has that sticker too... and it didn't. Maybe they ran out of stickers? I'm not worried my testosterone is a placebo cause like my body can't make that shit, I still have all my, "parts," and I would start making estrogen. There is no way she would percribe me a placebo for testosterone...

Why do I think she would for Xanax?

1) Well it's a benzodiazepine. And I'm on 1MG nightly.. she has it written up as for anxiety instead of insomnia but maybe that's bc the sleep dose is .50MG. And anything above is for anxiety/other things. It might be just for insurnace coverage.

2) If you look up hydroxyzine for seasonal allergies- it's mostly perscibed for being itchy, or anxiety before procedures. Although it has been shown that daily use of it overtime can be very effective for seasonal allergies. And it's sedating so maybe she just doesn't want me taking it before I start my day bc it can sedate you.

3) Technically it's not illegal to percribe placebos. However it's looked at as unethical and can damage the relationship between client and physician. Although she wants to see me monthly bc she's clearly not just my PCP, she's also my Psychiatrist at this point.

4) I have black hairy tongue and shes aware of it and the pubmed article that said 10 days of discontinuing Xanax resolved the black hairy tongue. At my last appt I said the benefits outweighs the side effects and i have no interest in switching to another benzodiazepine.

-So I am going to do a test. I have my disability appt at 1:30 on Tuesday the 16th.

Usually I would take 1MG before an early appt by cutting one full pill in half, making a chunky half and then take the biggest half I have from the oldest bottle. The halves are always small so it's about 1MG in Total maybe .8 or .9MG between the two pieces.

- On the 16th instead of taking my chunky half with the biggest half from an older bottle I'm going to take 1MG straight from the potential placebo bottle.

1) I'm going to assume its a placebo. Which if it is that will make it not work. If it isnt effective since I'm used to .5MGS, 1MG I will know it's a placebo. As if it's a placebo I'll know it is. No doubt. Bc 1MG is very powerful in comparison to .5MG.

2) I'll still do my whole bedtime procedure and all that.

3) I will take it on my circadian rhythm too, like I have been. I'll actually take it 30 minutes earlier than normal. Normally i take it at 5 a.m. My last 1MG I took at 4:30 a.m..

I was fighting my eyes by 5:30 a.m. by 5:42 a.m I closed my eyes and I must have been gone by 6 a.m MAXIMUM.

Worst case it's a placebo and I don't sleep and I attend my disability appt and sleep the next night....

Best case its the real thing and I pass the fuck out, I can't mix half of it with the biggest half from the oldest bottle cause the other half could be responsible for knocking me out...

If I don't pass out I'll know damn well its a placebo. And I will contact her over email on mychart and say, ever since the last script, I've been struggling to fall asleep. I was passing out within 2 hours every night up until that last bottle and she will make sure I get the good stuff for the next script.

- I'm worried she thinks that hydroxyzine can replace my Xanax, bc it treats anxiety and can sedate you.

What's the likelihood it's a placebo?

It prob isn't but going into it with a higher dose than I usually take cause I'm actually taking .5MG a night, taking that 1MG is majorly different on a weekly basis. I feel it within 15 minutes as long as I take it on my circadian rhythm.

-either way the only way I'm going to calm down about the lack of a sticker, and the hydroxyzine script being percribed at bedtime which is actually common cause of its sedating effects, is by doing this test.

- if It is a placebo I will know cause I'm going into it saying it is, and it'll either incapacitate me or it'll be useless, the power of a placebo is not knowing its a placebo. That's the funny thing.

- I didn't believe Xanax would knock me out when I first started taking it. I thought I was a shoe in for sedative hypnotics. I figured benzodiazepine were weak baby shit for insomnia. Well I was WRONG. Benzodiazepines are LIFE SAVERS for Insomniacs.

So yea if it is a placebo it'll do jack off shit. I won't sleep that night, I'll make my disability appt and I will email her saying I haven't been sleeping and idk why bc the same dose of a benzodiazepine for years can work for insomnia, it's actually a miracle drug. I will bring up that I know the same dose remains effective long term and I don't know why I've been struggling to sleep bc I wasn't at all before. I'll play stupid but smart at the same time. So she will surely perscribe the real shit for my next batch on the 20th...

- I'm thankful i have so much more than I need bc if it was a placebo then I still have something to fall back on.

- the problem is I have so much Xanax that I haven't even cracked the bottle other than to count my pills. If I waited until I needed to Crack the bottle it would be by the 18th, two day before I "used" my whole script.

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dopaminergicaddictions · 2 months

Text

3/12/24

11:13 p.m Updated

So I made it to my testosterone shot thankfully, as yesterday I was 10 minutes late to my doctor appt and they made me reschedule. If I lose my primary care I'm going to have so many issues between my insomnia script and my biweekly testosterone shot. I'm really thankful I got there with 5 minutes to spare.

I also lost track of time yesterday bc I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I was 20 minutes late to my appt with Mike... he texted me and offered me 6:30 after I didn't show up for 6. I showed up at 6:27 and he didn't show up... I waited 27 minutes... either way today I made my obligations. I met with Mike too for the first time in like a month. After yesterday him leaving me hanging and pretending not to get my texts. I prob shouldn't see him but what am I supposed to do? Danielle was all about countertransference.... and finding a therapist as a transguy is tough. I write it in my emails and I can send 10 and only one person responds to me so whatever, it is what it is.

I called Eye Doctors around town and 2 out of 3 said they measure each eye individually. The other said both at the sametime. I called my eye doctor, I lied and said I got their script from an online eye wear place and I got headaches... I said it could either be the script or that the glasses were made incorrectly. Luckily my insurnace will cover a retest within 30 days of getting your script. I'm scheduled for the 19th and I will make sure they do both eyes separately before I take my ray bans off hold. And I'll update the script with the accurate test results. For now I'll just wear my distance glasses. I'm going to keep them bc of the shape and style for gaming and driving... if I got them updated as progressives they would be 304$ cause they won't let you pick clear lenses in this frame, you got to pick transitions and the most expensive one... it's ridiculous cause I love these frames... so my ray bans will be progressive pending my new test on Tuesday....

I worked on a few things I've been putting off, I called my capture card place and gamestop. The capture card place will replace it refurbished but only give me a month warranty as I am officially out of warranty but I called in December and it saved my ass. I called game stop and my warranty for the same capture card ended March 9th. Psychosis and my circadian rhythm make accomplishing things very difficult.... The manager at gamestop sent an email to try to remedy the situation as I went in store in December and tried to replace it or get a refund. I have a 2 year warranty that just expired. I explained that I have psychosis and I've been having issues getting stuff done. He is going to try to replace it or give me my 79$ back.. it would be more ideal... as a refurbished with a month warranty isn't ideal... but I have one of two options. I have to wait until Monday to hear back from Gamestop before I make the decision to either send it back to EVGA or accept whatever gamestop will give me.

I had months to call and I couldn't cause I'm always overwhelmed and stressed because I have to simulate my auditory cortex with pod casts or mindless TV like The Simpsons with heavy dialogue just to not hear the voice. I used to work in silence... like to focus I would sit in complete silence and do my stuff. Now I must always have constant chatter on in the background to avoid hearing the voice... hearing how repetitive it is drives me crazy. However listening to mindless chatter in the background even as I write this drives me crazy cause I can't focus the way I want to.

Not to mention I have constant doctor appts and a fucked circadian rhythm. I generally have 1 hours and 30 minutes a day with the time I wake up... and if a doctors appt is during that time which i have therapy 3 days a week. It gives me like 20 minutes to call a place.

I really want to kill myself after reading about recovery rates. I'm considered in remission... "Remission" is defined as symptomatic but functioning in a social/occupational/taking care of yourself type of way. Basically it's someone who hallucinates, but is firmly gripped in reality. You can't be delusional... and you have to be able to take care of yourself, shower, eat, cook, shop, drive, make appts, have fulfilling social relationships, have a job etc...

I don't have a job and likely never will. If I could stop having ocd I'd work with kids. I'd be able to do it with the voice. I can't with my ocd and psychosis. Either way I am in remission as I meet all criteria.

Remission is depressing and when you look at graphs, a lot of people are in Remission...

Recovery is a different beast.. it's having no symptoms. When you look at these charts, my percentage of actually not hallucinating one day is about 24% in 6 months, 26% in 12 months, 39% in 24 months. It doesn't seem promising.

I have "fulfilling" relationships. It's funny. When you have friends and you're single, you feel more alone. Hanging out with Charlotte Saturday, Marcy after Charlotte left (cause I didn't get a real birthday party), hanging out with John Monday over mic playing FC4 was not fulfilling. I hallucinated much less but I felt alone. They all have partners. I'm lacking companionship. I'm lacking someone to hug, hold hands with, share all my most intimate secrets with, someone to trust to have always be there for me.

I've been in support groups for voice hearers and everyone is more crazy than me. Everyone has schizophrenia and schizoaffective, etc. They see more, hear more and are all on antipsychotics.. most have tardive dsykinesia. No one is like me. I'm the odd one out who has to be sensitive about antipsychotics bc everyone is on them. Everyone is eccentric. I feel like I don't belong.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like my chance to recover could take anywhere from 3 years to 10 years and I may never not hallucinate.... it may be that I am in remission for the rest of my life... I will never take antipsychotics I don't want negative symptoms, movement disorders, seizures, and I don't want to have 30% of my life shortened....

So here I stand, in remission. Wondering if full recovery is possible when I feel so fucking unfulfilled with everything I have in my life. No one likes my face enough on these dating apps to even get to know me..

As i talked to John. Marcy. Charlotte I felt this hollowing aloneness. I'm not like you. You have fulfillment. You don't have secrets that will make sure no one ever loves you or stays. You're not like me.

Until I find a partner I'm going to feel this way. Which I likely won't.

Until I actually recover I will never feel at peace. If Kristen keeps her license I'm actually going to commit suicide.

If Kristen does lose her license if my life doesn't get more fulfilling I'm going to kill myself.

I don't think there is any point in fighting. Yet I keep doing it and idk why.

All I know is I have to report Kristen before I end my life. She doesn't get to take mine without at least having a red mark on her perfect record.

Antipsychotics aren't even considered on this chart cause 99.99% take them... and I won't. But yea it's pretty disappointing. I'm depressed and I don't see much of a point in trying. I got to at least submit my paperwork before I do it.

I don't believe in soulmates. I don't believe there is someone out there for me. I don't believe I'll be anything or even have a somewhat satisfying relationship with anyone.

Once I get news of kristen license I'm ending my life. Especially if she gets to keep it. But idk how many more disappointing months I can live like this. I've talked to 2 people who had thc induced psychosis who didn't take antipsychotics they heard a voice the whole time and recovered within 1 year and 6 months that's all I got for research from people like me.

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