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iamgodsoopsie · 4 months

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Astarion Headcanons (that you probably won't like) Pt. 2:

Part 1 link

Part 3 link

More Astarion headcanons! (that are mostly me projecting but with an Astarion flavored twist.)

BG3 does an excellent job at depicting SA trauma and the beginning of the healing process/journey. Many of the headcanons I've seen floating around (intentionally or unintentionally) gloss over the uglier side of healing from (prolonged) trauma. I'm not judging anyone for magically healing him, he's fictional after all, but I'd like to make some more ...realistic... headcanons.

Disclaimer: Everyone's healing process looks different, but they tend share commonalities. These headcanons are based on my own experiences. Not everyone who is healing from their trauma will experience what I have or have experienced it like I have.

[Please don't message me with explicit details about your trauma. I am at the point in my healing journey where I can share my experiences, and commiserate with other's similar experiences, but I am unable to support others in a more personal manner at this time. I wish you the best of luck in your healing process/ journey.]

Spoiler warning

Mental illness, SA, & DV Trigger Warnings: I cannot stress these enough this post is much more descriptive and potentially triggering than part one was.

These headcanons are based on an Astarion who is still a spawn and romantically involved with a Tav who honestly loves him and isn't abusive or manipulative. Also Cazador is dead and Astarion got to stab him. They also assume that he himself does not turn into Cazador 2.0 or Wish.com Cazador.

I hope you're ready for abrupt mood swings.

--- One minute he's codependent and can't make a decision on his own because he's overwhelmed, the next he's hyper-independent and will take offense at any suggestion you make.

----- Astarion is aware that staying in either of the two extremes is unhealthy and would eventually lead him to acting like Cazador.

^ This ties into point two: You need walk the fine line between patient and understanding while he processes "200 years of Shit. PURE SHIT!". And at the same time you need to be firm in your own boundaries with how you allow him to treat you.

--- He's gone 200 years without autonomy and has no memory of what life was like before Cazador turned him. He has no frame of reference other than romance novels and watching couples interact with each other from afar.

-----TBH the best thing for him is to stay in regular contact with Halsin. The man has the same flavor as trauma as Astarion while also having strong boundaries and open honest/ healthy communication in his relationships. He can unjudgementally help Astarion navigate the pitfalls of his healing journey through first hand experience.

Plus Ultra Catholic levels of guilt.

--- Guilt for what he did while he was a spawn. Guilt for how he started his relationship with you (even after you've told him you forgive him multiple times). Guilt for how he lashes out at the one person who has shown him unconditional love (you). Guilt because he feels like he's dragging you down into his darkness and tainting you. Guilt because he fears he's pulling you down to bring himself up. Guilt for feeling guilty because it doesn't absolve him of his sins and makes healing harder.

Self-esteem issues

--- He was SA'd for 200 years, he was forced into prostitution, he was tortured in every conceivable way, he was made to do reprehensible things and learned to find "joy" in them because he would've lost all of himself and his humanity otherwise.

------ His inner saboteur (who sounds like Cazador and himself simultaneously- adding to his self hate) tells him that he is disgusting, wrong, filthy, a burden, unlovable, undeserving of happiness, a monster.

------- Like everything else these thoughts will become less frequent and easier for him to handle as time goes on. All you can do is love him while he self-flagellates and hates himself. One day he'll see himself as you see him.

^ Tying into all the points above, especially the one right before this one. You're going to feel useless. Most of the time all you can do is demonstrate your love for him and sit there with him while he is bombarded with years of repressed feelings forcing their way out.

--- In the beginning your attempts to help him will frequently seem to have the opposite of their intended effect.

----- It's important that you be honest with him about how you're doing mentally. It does him no favors if you set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

------- You'll be angry on his behalf and can't exact revenge.

--------- That being said you are helping him so much more than you think you are. I cannot express in words how much just being there while Astarion slogs through the painful process of healing will help him.

^ ALL of these will get less intense and easier to deal with in time. He will heal and move on from his horrid past. But, it will involve a lot of trial and error. He will have periods of exponential growth followed by a hard backslide in progress. But he will get there.

I wouldn't say that loving Astarion is hard, but it does involve conscious effort on both his and your parts.

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brbabcs · 7 months

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the compliments are all his: a gus/max dynamic analysis, based on canon and what we can deduce from it. (please take this with a grain of salt, these are just my personal viewpoints and what i see as far as canon goes, as well as what i've been able to knit together into what i believe to be reasonable assumptions.)

"what are we now, but voices who promise each other a life neither one can deliver? not for a lack of wanting, but wanting won't make it so. we cling to a vine at the cliff's edge. there are tigers above and below. let us love one another and let go." ─── eliza griswold, tigers.

as far as canon goes (and setting personal headcanons aside) we know from what little we learn about max, that he was raised in a survival based environment. he very clearly states that gus rescued him from the santiago slums. in the time period they'd be set in, the slums had almost no resources, and it's pretty easily deduced that max, at the very least, had an unstable living situation. we never clearly get a confirmation nor denial that gus was the one to propose the business model of los pollos hermanos/the fring empire, but i think it's not a reach to assume that he was, based on the behaviors we witness in gus climbing the ladder in canon, as well as the lack of resources and circumstances max was factually in to begin with. this, coupled with what we witness from max in hermanos, doesn't necessarily lead me to believe that max was the catalyst nor the mastermind behind the initial idea (although i don't believe that he was absent in the formative process of it all by far).

we also witness an extraordinary amount of composure (and also, in contrast, a lack thereof towards the end) and displays of vulnerability within his conversation with eladio. he is clearly distressed decently early on in the interaction, yet carries himself quite well: and i think it's not too far off to assume that, considering the way he grew up, this is not a foreign power dynamic to him, although it may be something he hasn't experienced in quite some time when we account for the amount of time that gus and max have spent together. he communicates in an openly passionate regard when he discusses chemistry, he isn't very concealed about his emotions (despite not letting them hinder him in the conversation until things begin to escalate), and even when we witness him begin to devolve, he vouches for gustavo fring as a human being, before a business asset: regardless of how we can deduce out that he understands the motive and power dynamics in this organized crime setting.

i think it isn't too much of a reach to think that gus and max contrast each other on surface level/first glance. gus is reserved, and much more meticulous in any displays of emotion (although we do see how this falters more in the hermanos flashback and how it escalates and increases the farther down the timeline we get). in comparison, max is not like this even from the very beginning. and in this high emotion, tense moment, he acts instinctively and (subconsciously or otherwise) reveals his internal list of priorities. we see this raw, intense, not fully thought out panic, and to put it simply: when you start to strip all the composure away, people reveal themselves. intentionally or otherwise. gus loses his composure after max dies, and we witness the instinctive, raw, emotional and devastating understanding of loss. we both see them down to their bare bones of priorities and mentalities in this moment, and it could be argued that it is potentially the most clear moment displayed from gus in general.

from what we know, max was a young, driven, yet wildly intelligent individual who was just as equally trapped by his circumstances to not do much with any of it. yet, throughout these unstable and most likely unsafe upbringings and settings, that brilliance or humanity doesn’t falter or fail in any way. with gus paying for max's education, and their business model in mind, gus aligns similarly here as he does in any other dynamic: with a business focused mindset and an end goal in mind. more than anything, gustavo fring has, and always will (though perhaps not to this degree) encourage excellence. we canonically see as he invests — long term — into individuals who are strikingly capable in whatever manner we see it in. we witness gale boetticher, who has been given this scholarship and even a lab to practice that capability of his. we witness mike ehrmantraut, who, despite the “bad-choice-road” that he takes, is given finances to the fullest degree for the job he provides, without any threat of it being taken away from his family. we even witness the beginnings of something similar with jesse pinkman, and regardless of whether or not those actions/behaviors in their dynamic were a manipulative move or otherwise, gus very openly says he “likes to think that he sees things in people”.

when we have this young, brilliant, and entirely doomed to circumstances that he was born into person such as max arciniega, it becomes impossible to believe that gus, in any degree, could simply walk away from that. max exists in a realm of life that attempts to hinder and dissipate the extremely human pieces of him, yet he doesn’t allow it to. his resilience is vivid, and clear, and we witness this in hermanos itself. most in max's position would have macheted away their humanity. but here, we see something of an opposite: where he clings onto it so tightly in a refusal, and rebellion, to succumb in any way to his circumstances. the weight of what this means and how in these early years, it’s (most likely) only being nurtured by max, himself, gives it a depth almost immediately as it’s perceived. gus is an insightful man, who is very emotionally intelligent, and the understanding of the world not handling any of these traits with care would be only encouragement and, in some way, a challenge, to open gus’ eyes to the value and beauty of what being a person can mean in even the worst moments; as well as understanding (in a “chess-master” mindset of playing the long game) what it would mean to nurture it further.

regardless of that prevailing humanity, max clearly doesn’t hold guilt or shame towards the crime he enacts or participates in. he seems incredibly proud of the meth he's cooked, and the processes within it. he doesn't shy away from the spotlight at all, and speaks very eagerly (as well as passionately) about it. whenever gus’ business proposal was set out onto the table, it is impossible for someone like max to not consider it in a very real and serious way from the get-go. it’s a secure way out: there is a tangible light at the end of the tunnel being presented to him, and not in a way that he views as a part of the cycle he has either been in previous (if we are to assume their relationship came first) or was currently in (if we are to assume their relationship came second, which is what i'm inclined to lean towards when we consider the timeline and who they both are as individuals background wise) — despite it still being so, regardless. in a similar light, gus, presumably, is looking to climb the latter. he is reaching for larger heights, and he is looking very clearly for a way up. considering the amount of survival tactics that exist within the realm of being in the santiago slums, we can assume that there is a survival mode max has set into. this, coupled with his lack of guilt that we see canonically, intentionally or otherwise, is what i believe drives him forward in this dynamic and allows an acceptance to things that a great majority would not be alright with.

gus presents a way up, and max leans into it, because he is perceiving this as a way out (or a measure of security in a dog-eat-dog world sort of mentality that very easily spawns from being raised in the circumstances he was in, if we are to think about this in a light of their relationship coming secondary). in truth, despite the two being different to one another, and even seeing the initial business proposal differently, it does boil down to becoming the same thing. the complexities and nuance of max’s history and upbringing skews the reliability of the perspectives here, and their goals align. this is a clearly life-changing connection for both of them. from what we see, they have differences in their mentalities, and also who they are as people, but are deeply aligned enough in their goals and morals (or, rather, lack thereof) that it's easy to assume that their dynamic is fluid. most commonly in relationships, we see stumbles and fumbles through it in the differences of end goals, but here, that doesn't seem to have been an issue from what we can deduce out. it’s a natural push and pull, with an understanding for each other that would only deepen with time. despite their differences, their “light at the end of the tunnel” is the same, in some way.

this isn’t to say i believe they didn't disagree, or didn't have moments of tension or upset with each other, but more to say that both were moving in tandem with one another. they seem to have strived for the same result. this kind of fluidity would only naturally bridge them together to have an “unbreakable” bond. outside of their relationship, they are both extremely willing to go the extra mile to achieve what they want to. canonically speaking, gus climbs the latter by any means possible, max drives himself forward through a degree to achieve this business model. it’s only natural that inside of their relationship, they would do the very same. gus witnesses this potential and is naturally inclined to provide for max, and as max begins to flourish and grow within these given circumstances, whilst challenging gus (both in his perspective on humanity and in allowing himself to be a person), there'd naturally be a very steady incline to them working in tandem with each other, and eventually allowing their end goals to center around a life with one another in these ideal, and heightened, circumstances.

gus gives so much from so early on, with max having received so little previous to him, and it begins to compile and stack onto each other into these layers that would only build their relationship up and up and up — without any real shatter to bring it back down to a more grounded place. there would be no true break in the illusion of the heights they place each other at, and even more than that, would enable them to increasingly raise each other up to grandiose heights. this fluid, easy, perceived-healthiness component to their relationship through their alignment in goals and morals (or, rather, lack thereof) places the perspective into a honeymoon-phase adjacent viewpoint as far as what i would assume, and can see canonically.

considering the degree of aftermath in what we see both in breaking bad and better call saul, max and gus had to have been, in some degree, codependent. we witness, even in hermanos, how max transforms and corrects himself in the statement of "he... that is to say, we, could think of no other way to get your attention", and stands hand in hand (metaphorically speaking) in this stumble of the conversation: fluidly aligning himself with gus instinctively. however, most commonly, we see that codependency or romanticization as a way to cope with the unhealthy or toxic pieces of the dynamic; or even more than that, a way to cope with themselves. in contrast, within the context of what we know and can deduce out from gus and max’s relationship, both are given every reason to see each other in this very heightened way.

max provides in one way, gus provides in another, and with a lack of guilt involved, any uglier pieces of their life become factors in the equation that, while not denied, would not really be truly important to either of them in the way they perceive each other. they clearly center each other in their lives to some degree, and while their world most likely would have been relatively small in terms of personal connections (social circumstances, friend groups, etc) due to the line of work and realm of life they are in, it would also feel vastly infinite. that kind of love would work as this vivid outpour of pure sunlight and warmth, and while it is incredibly beautiful, it is also blinding. they'd naturally saturate their lives with this untouchable feeling in their dynamic to such a degree that it would hinder their ability to see that while they are infallible and infinite in their relationship, they are not to the rest of the world.

with all of that said, hermanos shows us the moment in which the untouchable bond belief begins to dissolve away, and the trust becomes unsteady, as well as their lack of alignments in certain areas and differences in how they navigate the world become incredibly present. we witness max walk into this scenario, with an amount of preparation and presumably insight to what it means to be in this environment. he (presumably) has an amount of personal experience that allows an insight that gus seems to not hold. we see max tune hector out, and speak carefully. he doesn’t argue, push back, or even devolve outrightly until the panic is so unbearable that it bleeds outward with little to no restraint — yet still, remaining careful in his approach because of what i'd assume to be the understanding he holds. max bargains through submission, despite him not succumbing to anything in his upbringing. he understands just how fragile the both of them are in that moment, and we witness the panicked (and pressured) attempt to not allow a full shatter to occur.

still, the trust in this dynamic prevails. max shares the space to allow gus to explain, and be the businessman that max endlessly and very openly vouches for him to be. regardless, we also see an internal battle. we see the love, trust, and devotion, battling against the survival mentality and understanding of a dog-eat-dog world. the push and pull presents itself differently, with gus saying “with all due respect,” and then giving a non-apology of “i apologize if you are offended by my method of obtaining this meeting”, and excusing himself away, and max being incapable of concealing the dread that follows. gus pushes with those statements, and max pulls back with saying that they "meant no disrespect”. he testifies to the cartel’s importance and ego, and attempts to create value. their differences, from what i believe and can see, have been what previously surged them forward. here, it becomes what hinders them. gus is almost confused, but relatively calm, as max spirals into a very open display of panic. the shatter is unavoidable. the misalignments cannot be morphed into a strength.

above all, what i believe appealed to gus and what i believe carried their dynamic forward to begin with, is also what i believe we see from max in the very end. he speaks to gus’ character, devotion, and loyalty, before ever uttering a word about anything business related. max’s viewpoint on the world, and his resilient humanity is actively clear and displayed. he is in the midst of an extremely tense, dangerous circumstance, and we witness the instinct of his equally gorgeous, and equally painful, humanity surge forward in a testament not even for himself, but to gus and their trust (and by extension, their love). that is what is most important to max. it speaks on not only how max viewed the world, but how max viewed gus, as well. they become two halves of a whole, in these heightened and nearly religious perspectives (especially when we consider the narrative of a "righteous vengeance" quest we witness later on), and it is incredibly visible to the degree that he speaks on him in. max could very well plea for his life, or throw gus under the bus. in a survival mindset, that’s what i believe most would do, otherwise. but there is too much love, trust, care, and devotion. he places gus on a pedestal, and it speaks volumes to what their dynamic not only is in that moment, but also every other one as well. the composure strips away, the illusion shatters, but the bond they hold is what stays standing: even after max is long gone.

max’s last moments are with these future-dead-men, who navigate their lives in a way that he does not seem to embody by far, and even more than that, surged forward against. but regardless of him dying so young, and irrefutably tragically, he still obtains a relief (however temporary) that no one else in this story was truly allowed. nacho varga and jesse pinkman are thrown to the wolves continually, and ruthlessly. they do not have a chance to breathe, or recoup. their choices are hardly even choices, in the end. but maximino arciniega made the decision to walk into this era of his life and live to the fullest degree, in whatever wrong or right manner that may be. he attended and graduated university, he went on vacations, he spent years of his life in presumably a domestic bliss (however skewed or heightened of a perspective it may have been). he was loved: deeply and endlessly by gus, and he loved him just as much right back. his last moments are an incredible show, in such a short amount of time, of exactly why gus was drawn to him to begin with, and a refusal to allow any of the present (or past) threats to take his heart and mangle it into anything other than what it is. he refuses to reduce gus’ life as a offer of business first and foremost. he speaks of loyalty, and the mention of making millions is almost an afterthought. he makes his choices, the same way as he’s been doing his entire life, and does not allow the world, nor these future-dead-men, to hinder or shrink the love that he holds within him.

max may die in the end, and gus may be the only man to carry on that love on in the pursuit of revenge we witness, but every choice max made, echoes right back into every one that gus does. he is both long gone, and infinitely present. he is both a ghost, and yet always alive: living in every space that gustavo fring inhabits. the biggest tragedy within gus and max’s story (to me) is not just the rare love that they hold for each other, but the fact that gus was able to have this wholly human, wonderfully natural dynamic with a man who loved gus infinitely, and in a strikingly vulnerable and beautiful way to the very end. it is not the fact that gus loved someone that is the most devastating piece of the story. it is that max loved him, (for and regardless of whatever crimes or atrocities that occurred) that is. gus believed that what he held with max was irreplaceable, and infinitely special; he heightened it considerably and in immense heights. but with all of this considered, for someone like him, and someone like max, can we truly blame him for doing so?

#gusmax #max arciniega #mine #anyway haha yeah i'm normal #3142 words 5 pages in google docs haha i'm normal about them and also this show!#me making my first personal blog in years just to post this is actually fucking nuts of me #max arciniega i love you max arciniega i see you max arciniega i write you on the daily #babygirl. kingpin. meth cook and chemistry extraordinaire #and also gus fring's one and only god bless #ummmm please be nice to me? idk i havent been in a fandom in a long time and im scarrrredddd #analysis

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docmedecal · 3 months

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Hi~! Long post inc (or above, I haven't uploaded things on Tumblr in ages) I'm Kassandra (or Kas or whatever just don't call me late for dinner haha) and today was the one year anniversary of the medical side of finding myself (and everything else that's come with it) 2023 had so many challenging moments, but it was also the happiest year of my life and greatest time for my own personal growth and well being. I started HRT on Jan 18th 2023 (after a long internal battle with acceptance that sometimes spilled out into external conflict) and I have loved every day since. That's not to say there wasn't struggles with it, the couple months of feeling plateau'd, finding out my blood work wasn't hitting the desired marks and then finding out months later I was at the upper end of the hormone range and my levels were all great, and learning how to express myself confidently (therapy helps a lot too!) The past year has been a lot of trial and error (and lots of Amazon/Romwe crap clothes) to find my sense of self and how I wanted to express myself. I also had a lot of help from the loveliest person I know (more on them later though hehe~) and I've finally been able to be that person I always would daydream about being all throughout my life but never had the courage (or means) to do and be. I've learned that a lot of the "scariness" in the world that being semi-professionally terminally online would show me, while valid, was not the reality of things that I would face. I've dealt with conflict around my transition, as nearly all trans people do, like having to break ties with one of my closest friends of 14 years because he stated I was an "abomination" among other things. But I also found love and acceptance among many of my closest friends especially in my best friend who most likely couldn't tell you what any given letter in the alphabet soup is but supports me fully and talks with me daily. Surprising most of all is the middle aged women that come up to me every few times I leave the house and compliment my outfits (a shock from the assumption that I would face a slew of TERFs on the daily from any Reddit thread) and the neighbors of the home I moved into who have treated me as a women in every interaction. It's been a long journey from being a small kid sneaking into heels when my parents were gone to being in my Sophomore year of high school and seeing Against Me! where my dad explained to me that the singer had transitioned and I was shocked that was an option to the first appointment at my local Planned Parenthood so anxious about the blood draw that was the smoothest I'd ever experienced to the first little blue fem 'n m I took to the one I took a few hours before writing this. And I know that even if the rest of the journey is filled with highs and lows, I will love every second of living my life as the person I've always wanted to be.

2023 was also the year of reconnecting with an old friend @arrogantmrcnry (over a Tinder joke profile of all things) and having friendship transition (hah) into them being the best partner in the world and love of my life. Whenever my transition comes up, they tell me how proud they are of me and I tell them that I couldn't have done all of this (to the extent I have) without them always being there to support and love me I have had some of the happiest celebrations and holidays with them at my side this past year and gone on so many little adventures (and many more to go) There isn't a single person in this entire universe that I would have rather started this journey with. They always know how to tell what I'm feeling and exactly what to say to make my day better. Even if we'll eventually stop communicating verbally since we seem to make the same damn jokes in unison always haha. We've kept each other sane through moving in together and fixing up our home, yoinking a street cat together, and the general highs and lows of life. You are the greatest partner I could have ever hoped for and I'm so elated to one day be your wife 🖤

The Pre-E but not yet Post E-Girl Era (back when I used a foundation that gave me super bad breakouts) Still some of my most fun makeup sessions besides the ones with @arrogantmrcnry also let the love of my life pierce my nose so I could stop using $2 fakes that always fell out while taking pics 😂

Some extras I didn't really know where to place but more snapshots of the year (also the best son and street muskrat anyone could wish for!)

For 2024, I've set some transition goals to start getting laser on my face (one of my last real anxieties looking in the mirror) and work on some slight voice training so I can fully utilize and embrace my deeper voice in a more femme manner. I know that this will be another amazing year of learning to be me and love life~

#me #sap #transgender

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narcissisticpdcultureis · 10 months

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Hi there! So I'm gonna start off with the fact that a lot of people say that I come off as blunt and ask rude/insensitive questions, so I do apologize if I do that, as it is not my intention! Just trying to learn more about stuff. *Sorry if anything is offensive, not the intention!*

Oh, also, secondly. Love your blog, it's absolutely amazing and it's great reading it.

Ok, so questions!

Question 1 (and this is kind of personal, so feel free to not answer. Actually, feel free to not answer any if you don't want to.): Did you recognize that you had NPD or did someone tell you? If someone else told you, is there anyway that you would've liked them to phrase it better or be more sensitive (or anything else)?

Question 2 (less personal? Maybe?): Are there any organizations that you know of that act like they're for NPD, but are actually really harmful (like Autism Speaks, but for peeps with NPD).

Question 3: OK, so this one needs a bit of ✨️backstory✨️. Again, feel free not to answer.

Question 3 Backstory: So, recently I've been looking up the symptoms of narcissism/NPD and I've realized that my mom displays a lot of these symptoms and could probably get an official diagnosis if she went to get one. I'm trying to bring it up to her, but I'm not exactly sure how to bring that up in conversation.

Ok, question 3: How do I tell her that she has a disorder in the most kindest and respectful way. I'm super forward and blunt and suck at "adding fluff" so I feel like if I just tell her that I think she has NPD that she'll take it badly cause she's super stigmatized about it (not sure if that's a good adjective, but it's the one I'm using. I guess I'm trying to say that she views it negatively)

Again, apologies if anything is offensive or anything like that!

Also, thanks for making this blog! It's awesome and super informational!

heyo! don't worry, honestly a lot of people tell me i come off the same and it's because i'm autistic so i get it 🥲

1. fair warning, my memory is a bit hazy because it was over a year ago and it was also a stressful time in my life.

i figured out about my NPD on my own.

from what i remember, i found out about my HPD first. it's a long story for any day, but long story short, i ended up having a huge breakdown because i was forced to confront a lot of symptoms and feelings i had been experiencing that i deemed inherently shameful my entire life. when i recovered from that a bit, i started interacting more with cluster b spaces and communities.

i already knew i was most likely cluster b even before i found out about my HPD (i wasn't exactly diagnosed with BPD in 2020 but my psychologist at the time was understably concerned about the fact that i said yes to every single question on the assessment he gave me) but i had gone into heavy denial about it and figured it wasn't true for a mixture of reasons.

interacting with spaces and researching PDs in general more made me realize i met a lot of the criteria for NPD (among other things. honestly this time in my life has made me confront that i am extremely disordered in the personality department in general!). sorta went back and forth on wether it was just HPD or just NPD, but turns out it is very much both!

2. i don't know of any organizations that are specifically about NPD at all tbh, especially not one as large scale as something like autism speaks, but what i will say is on a more general level, a lot of organizations that strive to help people with trauma will still use ableist language like narcissistic abuse, calling abusers narcissists/narcissistic or psychopaths/psychopathic, ect or just straight up demonize NPD itself. so while, fortunately, pwNPD don't have something like autism speaks to stand up against (as far as i know! i may be wrong!), we're not exactly very welcomed by trauma survivor organizations in general.

3. see, that one is definitely tricky. i've definitely been the one to break the news to people at times, but they were people around my age who already had an understanding of mental health/psychology and weren't perpetuating stigma.

i might suggest starting out with a more detached approach, trying to break down her biases and internalized stigma by educating her on the topic before bringing up her connection to it? like if the topic somehow comes up or she does something like call someone a narcissist, maybe use it as an opportunity to subtly educate her wether that be in the moment or maybe later on in the case that she's upset.

i do also want to emphasize to only do this if you if you feel it'll be safe to do so. obviously i'm not saying that because your mother exhibits NPD symptoms, i'm saying that because i don't know much about your relationship with your mother and i know not everyone has a relationship with their parents where they can talk to them about certain things safely. i have an incredibly abusive relationship with my mother but i believe i'm in a better position than most where i can talk to her about her mental illness and the possibility of her having BPD without it being guaranteed to immiedately flip into a dangerous situation.

if you feel like you can safely educate her and then safely bring up the possibility so she can get help, i welcome you to do so. it all depends on your specific situation. if she doesn't show any signs of backing down on her stigmatized views, i more than encourage you to prioritize your mental health and safety.

i also want to emphasize as her child, you are not responsible for her mental health and her refusal to accept possibly having a disorder would have nothing to do with you.

in all honesty, i'm not super sure about how to "add fluff" to that sort of conversation either. i'm also usually super blunt and don't exactly remember how i brought up the possibility of people having NPD to them or specifically how i brought up the possibility of my mother having BPD to her. if anyone wants to add on with some advice on that, that'd be cool, but i think i've done as much as i can for now myself </3

#not culture #npd #actually narcissistic #actually npd #narcissistic personality disorder #cluster b

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dark-roleplay-finder · 9 months

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🕊️[20+, m/m or nb/m] hey y'all! i've been itching to do this concept for a bit--or at least something with very similar dynamic. i rp mostly on email but i can do discord; i write 3rd person in present tense, semi-lit/novella; and i love me some angst and complicated relationships hehe. (while nsfw or smut is encouraged, i don't have much rp experience specifically if that's something important to you!) i'd like a character-focused plot and love worldbuilding + i'm experienced in writing a recurring side cast.

SOLE SURVIVOR OF A FAILED REVOLUTION (A) X HEIR TO THE TYRANT THEY TRIED TO OVERTHROW (B)

aka Tired x Chaotic; Uses Head x Follows Heart

slow-burn, possibly sci-fi, psychological, drama, power imbalance. very fucked world overall. potential for co-dependency, obsessive/possessive behavior, power play, and manipulation. slight age difference with B being a little younger than A for timeline purposes. dubious consent for the power imbalance, especially if both are privy to each other's exact identities from the start, and each having something to gain from the other.

set in a dystopian society in a nation suffering from ecological disaster that caused most of the population to bear the brunt of it

i'd love an assertive but goofy muse who's also a bit naive while being capable of casual murder/violence, to go against someone incredibly world-weary and reluctantly living on autopilot, resigned to his circumstances yet still harboring a lot of rage. in spite of bedroom roles, hit me with some trope subversion and characterization beyond those please.

the vibesTM: asking about your favorite candy and your relationship with your family over takeout after an unceremonious bathroom hookup; a bloody kiss after one protects the other; hysterical, broken laughter right before a breakdown during sex (or anything that's supposed to be an intimate and tender moment); tracing scars in fascination with a sense of pride that you're the first/only one to see them; looking at the lights and motions of a city from above and feeling a sense of longing/alienation; whatever emotions you experienced while watching Netflix's Beef.

A + B somehow meet and get attached to each other, forming a genuine connection and feeling something for the first time in years in spite of how it draws scorn from their respective communities. give me flawed people who aren't necessarily out to fix each other that get their own sort of happy ending (happy being subjective here LOL).

B is intrigued by someone as "real" as A, being delighted that A treats them something close to human and is blunt about how they abhor B's standing and what they represent (looks at A with a hint of romanticization of poverty too) while A can't help but find it fascinating that someone who's so removed from regular people and is capable of destruction manages to have such childlike wonder at life. plus, B pays for food.

to some extent, they're both spectators gawking at each other as if the other is some animal in a zoo. they're both also very lonely people aching to feel seen and wanted.

important: my activity levels vary significantly since I kinda work 2 jobs and my main one takes a lot of my energy. if long gaps between replies make you anxious/irritate you or if you prefer fast-paced plots and rapid-fire responses, this probably ain't gonna work tbh--ofc i will try my best to communicate with you when things come up. busy people with loaded schedules that still like writing in their downtime to the front pls🥲

hope to build something neat that we can both yell about during weird hours! interact with the post and i'll reach out :]

Like this post and the asker will reach out!

#roleplay #roleplay ad #1x1 rp #dead dove roleplay #discord rp #email rp #20+ rp #mxm rp #nbxm rp #semi literate roleplay #novella rp

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figurativepieceoftrash · 2 months

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hello there!

I'd like to ask how you got the inspiration for Identity Crisis.

thank you!!!

Hiya!

I partially write in order to vent any frustrations with irl issues I'm experiencing, so almost all my stories' themes correlate with something I'm struggling to process at the time of publishing in my personal life (ie. Grief, issues with discernment of personal identity, complex relationship with chronic/mental illness, familial communication issues, etc.). I don't always realize this when I'm in the process of writing, as the parallels aren't usually immediately obvious or direct, but with almost every work I've produced I'll end up looking back at some point and go. Ah. That emotionally/thematically mirrors the point in my life I was at while writing it exactly. Interesting.

I wrote identity crisis during my first semester of college. I won't go into all the parallels bc that'd be hella boring and tmi, but the actual plot of the work was definitely secondary to the themes I was attempting to approach with it/the ways it emotionally interacted with my real world experiences. I wanted a work that would allow for exploration of the identity/independence/family/social/health/etc. issues I was experiencing and the plot of identity crisis fit the bill.

The idea came to me stressed as hell at 3am the night before a big paper was due, and I wrote it down in my notes app thinking it might make for some good angst. There wasn't really much thought to it other than the desire to write something personally relatable involving my favorite characters, though I do really love to play with the mental aspect of ofa for the obvious thematic implications it carries.

Sorry if this was unhelpful lol, I don't think my motivations for writing are very similar to most writers' on a conscious level, so this probably isn't what you were asking for. Regardless, I think it's always helpful to explore themes and experiences relevant to your own life; it's probably the primary thing that motivates my writing

#this is qlso why it's very difficult for me to finish long fics rip #aside from vacation which I honestly hate and rlly couldn't give less of a shit ab #most of my long fics were me vebting frustration at situations I'm no long trapped in/that now have altered circumstances #proximity is the only one that's been enduringly relevant to me and no one likes it :')#trash talking #ask tag #note that the fic versions are EXTREMELY abstracted from my real life #and it's definitely not self insert #it's more like. oh. I'm having issues processing cycles of abuse. I'll write a story about cycles of abuse

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promiseiwillwrite · 4 months

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Bad Stuff

Disclaimer: This post is about some Really Rough experiences I had here on Tumblr while I was trying to come out from under the Rock. I was trying to reach out and interact in a community where I didn't know the established rules of etiquette, and I learned them the hard way. They had major consequences for me and my path as a witch, and I am just now sorting this shit out and trying to repair the damage. I was gatekept and treated cruelly for making mistakes, and I didn't know any better. The culture on Tumblr is very different from the culture in which I was raised, (80s and 90s Kentucky) so it was quite difficult to adjust. So read at your own risk.

One of the first things that happened was that I became accidentally involved in a flame war with a person who called me "ableist" before I knew what that even was. It sent me into a 6 month depression where I did a LOT of internal work and thought deeply about how I perceive humans with different levels of intelligence. I adjusted my views about human validity surrounding intelligence, and I solidified my observation that the human who called me out was being exceptionally Mean and Shitty about it to me and a bunch of other people. They were right that me calling anyone "stupid" or "an idiot" is ableist use of language. However, they were Very Wrong in their approach and assumptions about me. I DO care about people, and my views ARE something I actively seek to adjust in the face of new information. I also have Moral OCD, so I self-punished harshly in the face of this new information, for a Lifetime of thinking badly of other humans for various reasons connected to their perceived level of intelligence. I did eventually bring it back around, however and realize that no difference in level of intelligence, real or perceived was any excuse for being mean and shitty to others. Calling out bad behavior is important, but you can do that without being mean or shitty. And it turns out that how I really feel is that I have a problem with people choosing to be mean and shitty, and not with their level of intelligence. I had just Falsely correlated the two things, and now I do not.

Not long after that, I experienced the Discourse on Lillith for the first time. I had never worked with Lillith. It didn't apply to me at all. But I could see how some humans, for whom this entity had been an important part of their practice and lived experience, finding out for the first time that this entity was closed might have had some thoughts and feelings about that. I did not engage in Any of these conversations. I didn't have a dog in the fight. But I felt very bad for people who had been working with this entity for years who were being called appropriative. What do you DO about something like that? What if you've called Lillith your Patron for a Decade, and then a bunch of people tell you you are Completely Wrong and Out of Bounds? I can't imagine that is something where you can just go, "Oh, My bad." and stop. Plus, there were a lot of people being VERY MEAN about it.

It was about this time that I realized some very important adjacent things about the way I was raised, and the stories I had been told about my Native American Heritage. According to what my Grandmother said, my Great Grandmother was the daughter of a Choctaw Chief. I had been raised with great pride in that heritage. But I had been raised as a White Girl. I've never been to a reservation. I've never known anything of the culture of the tribe, or anything but stories of my Great Grandmother. So when my mother incorporated Native American traditions/practices into her religious beliefs and practices, it seemed right and natural. We went to Native American Gatherings, invitation only events two states away. I helped build a medicine wheel on Black Mountain. I talked with Grandmother Joy Earthwalker about what it meant to be a Beaver person... A builder and a Story Teller. I was still a punk-ass little white freak girl, but this was a part of my life and my belief system... Until I encountered the Lillith discourse and thought Deeply about appropriation for the first time.

And standing in the Forest out on the peninsula in Washington, I very painfully decided that in all honesty, I had no right to that part of my practice. The thing that had resonated so strongly with me was the connection to the land, and plants and animals. I had no idea how I was going to give all that up. It was SO deeply fundamental to the core of my being. But if that part of my belief was Stolen and Harmful to an oppressed people I decided I would rather die than be that way. And I guess I did... When I gave it all up I was depressed for months. It took a lot of talking with people to come to the conclusion that animist perspectives did not have to be "Native American", but were instead present in paradigms all over the world, Many of which were decidedly open. So I didn't have to give up connection to the land, and plants and animals. I just stopped thinking of it as a Native American way, and started thinking of it as My way. My observations. My connections. And I felt better eventually.

But not before I ran into the most painful discourse of all. The folks who were bashing godspouses got to me the worst. I have had a very intimate relationship with my patron since I was 10 years old. Because of my Plural Internal Architecture, I interacted with my Patron Deity on a very personal level, and as a part of myself. I understood that this deity was a deity, AND ALSO a part of me. And it was confusing as hell. And it was very different, necessarily, from the experiences that many people described, but also similar in some ways. Over the course of my relationship with my Patron, the interactions changed immensely with time. They were a psychological outpicturing of me trying to make sense of my life and my environment, which was often very poor. The relationship at times was incredibly unhealthy, because I was unhealthy. I was a product of that environment, and my thoughts and beliefs were full of distortions that were the product of abuse and neglect. However, my relationship with my Patron was, many times, the most positive, most consistent, predictable, safe relationship in my life. The relationship I had with Him saved my life, and kept pointing me out of my depressions. He Always tried to make my life better. Always tried to Ease my suffering. Always tried to help me to be a better, more resilient being.

And then the antis told me that I shouldn't have an unhealthy parasocial relationship with a god, because why would a god, who in my patron's case and in their eyes wasn't even a god, want to have anything like that with an insignificant human person. They told me wanting it was disgusting and disrespectful. It was projecting what I wanted onto a deity figure. Just Mental Illness, and nothing real.

They spoke to me in words of doubt that I had said to myself a thousand times, that were so much more damning coming from an external source. They used that word, that my Abuser often used against me, to label even the smallest transgressions (breathing wrong, moving my eyes at the wrong time) as Morally Wrong.

I backed away from the relationship in Horror. What had I DONE? I was Horrible. I was disrespectful, I was dishonoring my patron with some distorted, self-created obsessive idea of a relationship born in some massive lack of discretion. Nothing I had thought or done or felt in the last 30 years was Real, AND it was wrong. I broke it. I broke it Badly, believing these motherfuckers and their words that parroted the worst things that crawled around in my mind.

Nevermind that Loki is a trash panda of a god, and a slut, and a freaky little guy, and that None of this would shock, amaze or even put him off.

And I haven't successfully repaired it yet. Loki is still there. He is still trying. I still want it, but I Deeply mistrust that. I feel like everything I want is hurtful somehow. Thanks Moral OCD. I hate it.

#loki #mental health bullshit

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littlemisskittentoes · 6 months

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20 Fic Writer Questions

Massive thank you to @read-and-write-, @affectionatelyrs , and @daisymae-12 for tagging me! I am absolutely loving being a bit more involved with this community and interacting with all you lovely humans. It has made my heart incredibly happy 💖

How many works do you have on AO3?

I am but a baby, with a humble four works, and one drabble collection. Though I am proud to mention I do have several WIPs that I'm quite excited about, that includes some multi-chap pieces!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

Again, only at humble beginnings, clocking in at 9094

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Right now, exclusively RWRB!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

boxing with no gloves

i'll love you when the ocean's dry

i'd be smart to walk away (but you're quicksand)

we should just kiss (like real people do)

5. Do you reply to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, always! Even throughout my grad program, workshopping always inspired me and pushed me to be a better writer. I love commenting on works that connect with me, and I think it's so lovely to interact with people that cared enough about my words to do the same on my stories!

6. What is the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Everything out from me right now ends with fluff! But I do have an assassination attempt fic in progress. It'll be a 5+1 that leans heavily into hurt, without much comfort. I'm not having it end with an 'unhappy ending'. But also not quite a light, 'feel-good ending'.

7. What is the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

I have one upcoming Halloween, Huh? fic that will have the most tooth-rotting fluff, featuring drunk!Henry, at the end that I think will keep this spot warm for a while. But, available right now, I'd probably say "i'll love you when the ocean's dry".

8. Do you get hate on fics?

So far, no. Thank gosh. I am an utter cry baby, and would sob profusely.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

My first smut piece is coming out for Halloween, Huh? ! I've also got a few oneshots on the "WIPs to Start' list. I think the vast majority of smut I'll write will interact with kink or D/s dynamics. As someone involved in the community, I love imagining FirstPrince experiencing the intensity and range of emotions that often accompanies play in this sphere.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I don't, unfortunately. If I did, it would probably be some sort of FirstPrince x One Direction/Harry Styles or Taylor Swift situation.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope! It would be a wild honor though.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I haven't! I love the idea of collaborative writing though!

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

I think because FirstPrince is the only ship I've interacted with to this level, I have to say them!

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

"You realize I'm a trapped animal down here? You're keeping me in a cage. You cannot possibly be so fucking obtuse as to not see I'm miserable," Alex's voice was obstinate, dripping venom into each syllable. Henry's eyes shuttered closed. He spoke with nothing but neutrality, but something in his features gave way to a quiet melancholy. "You know I'd free you if I could. This is bigger than us both, Alex. Hate me all you'd like. I can live with that if it means you're still breathing." -- or, an au in which Henry is Hades, Alex is Persephone, and the history books never quite got the story right.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I'd like to think my imagery tends to come across quite vividly! I also really strive to create small, tiny moments filled with softness.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Humor. I have always struggled intensely in capturing lines that come across as genuinely funny.

I also occassionally find myself really having to work at getting pacing into something that feels natural and fluid.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in a another language in fic?

I've had short instances of Alex speaking Spanish in a fic or two so far. I try to do so cautiously. I have a big fear of misrepresenting a language out of ignorance. Luckily, I'm able to interact with some lovely Spanish speakers in the Brownstone Server that are kind enough to take a look at some lines now and then!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Unpublished, One Direction. Published, RWRB!

20. Favorite fic you've written?

"i'd be smart to walk away (but you're quicksand)"! it's my longest fic, and also has some lines i'm really proud of!

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I'd love to see your answers @treluna4 , @mudbloodpotter05 , @hypnostheory ,@hgejfmw-hgejhsf 💖

#fanfic #rwrb fanfic #red white and royal blue fanfic #firstprince fanfic #kittentoes facts

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bandage-hearted-butterfly · 1 year

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3, 4, 9, 16! :D - Alex

Thank you very much for the ask!

3 - How long have you known you were otherkin?

That's honestly a little difficult to answer; I think I've known on some level for around 7-8 years now, but never accepted myself until the last year or so, when I made a complete turnaround and not only got myself involved in the idea of psychological kin, but spiritual as well. It's been quite a long journey, especially in the middle of those 7-8 years when the concept wasn't even in my mind, but I'm glad to finally seek self-acceptance. 7-8 years on a larger scale, but for me to acknowledge that I knew and to work with it? 2 or so years.

4 - What reminds you of home?

Difficult to say as my kin runs more psychological than spiritual, but I gave this one some thought and feel I have a few answers! Some smaller things in my daily life give me little reminders, my stacks of books marking that the desire for reading and learning never quite left. Scents are also big for me! I have a few candles and some incense on my altar, with the more subtle scents tugging at me a bit more.

Larger feelings, unsurprisingly, come from the replicated shirt and wings I've made. I've worn the shirt publicly multiple times, but the wings stay firmly on my wall. I have a pair of antennae I made as well and while I haven't worn those nearly as much, part of me strongly wants to wear them at least once to see if I feel comfortable with them.

The strongest feelings come from things I don't have control over at all. There are certain ways the clouds roll in that make me recall flight and certain songs that evoke strong responses from me, both positive and negative (and I do plan to post at least two playlists with the songs that do this). Looking over royal architecture is one of the strongest, feeling so small in such large, ostentatious halls, more than anything wanting to find myself pacing them again.

Overall, I suppose, in a sense, "home" is less a location and more of a concept for me.

9 - What was your first kintype?

Difficult to say! The only one I can think of would be the M.ettaton from the Und.erfell AU of Un.dertale; that was the first time I ever considered the idea that I might be otherkin, but never pursued the concept any further, just eyeing it with wary curiosity. Interestingly, while that linkage was definitely a work of projection and trauma response, so is my current kintype; the difference is in how intensely I experience this current type vs how loosely I interacted with the previous one. I'm not sure if I would call it a kintype, honestly.

16 - What are some challenges that you face with being otherkin?

The biggest ones were the ones imposed by myself! One of the biggest initial hurdles was that accepting my kin identity made me feel like I was losing touch with reality. Truth be told, my awakening to my identity happened through intense dissociative experiences I fought to pathologize - my therapist was the one who suggested I take a step back and look at it in a more spiritual light (so as not to condemn myself for my experiences). I still believe I may be experiencing a form of multiplicity, but the experiences are no longer intense and distressing; I no longer feel strongly disconnected when I have shifts.

I suppose another is simply existing as is - as someone in the otherkin community, a community which has been highly mocked in the past, the mocking being the first thing people likely think of when they hear the word. It made me want to cringe at myself, but being part of several other groups that tend to be stigmatized - autistic, trans, amongst other things - helped me begin to move beyond that. I still hold fear over what others may think of me, but at the end of the day, my behavior isn't harmful and it makes me happy, so I'm willing to be more open about it.

More current challenges? I would say incorporating my identity into my more daily life. I do use the name Shai in my day to day, and went through the two-hour process of getting a tattoo of the wings I no longer possess, but part of me very much wants to go further. It's difficult, being a feminine trans man with butterfly accessories, but I would consider it to be the price I pay to feel more at home - the people closest to me know I am a man at the very least.

#even on main I tend to answer in paragraphs but it seems to suit me quite well over here ✨️#thank you again! i had to think a bit for these and I'm grateful for a chance to reflect! the home question will be sticking with me..#otherkin #fictionkin #tbd interaction tag

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xerxeswitch · 1 year

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Survey for Spirit Workers Response! Part 1

I want to try my hands on this! The survey was made by @friend-crow.

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Are you able to perceive spirits? If so, in what way(s)?

I recalled on being able to hear, see, and feel spirits/entities (sometimes physically) since I was a toddler. I trust my senses enough to at least get a surface level read on how to approach something. For the deep dive, I use meditations and write down messages or visions from my session, then observe carefully on consistencies or inconsistencies, and of course errors on my part. 2. Do you perceive different types of spirits differently?

Well, yes. Depends. Different sensations, different ways on how they communicate (light or heavy touches, temperature changes, interaction with the physical world, physical after effects) 3. What types of spirits have you worked/communicated with?

Angels, jinn (or, djinns) hellhounds(?), psychopomps, and a lot of other types I have no clue to categorize to be honest -- eldritch looking types. I just worked with the types that happen to come and be a part of the Family.

4. How do you communicate with spirits?

I can hear them, or even feel their messages. I don't really think about it too hard other than I hear or see a message, and I sit down with it to discern and see what they want me to figure out. For more physical proof, I do use tarot if I'm not sure of course. 5. If you use divination, what are your preferred methods and why?

Tarot cards or sometimes spirit dice with letters. Why? Tarots have always been effective, and spirit dice has produced interesting and straight to the point messages since it's more hands-on for them. 6. How did you first get into spirit work?

Honestly, it'll be through G, and my abilities to see and hear spirits. Without those I probably would've never gotten into it, but who knows, right? I actually tried to run away from the concept for a long time, but G promised me since I was a kid that he'll manifest to me when I get older. Here he is, as promised. 7. How long have you been a spirit worker? Officially, five years intentionally getting into it.

8. Is there anything you've learned that's made communication easier? I try not to berate or beat myself up assuming I'll get every message wrong. I've been proven mostly correct down the line, and being more confident in my abilities gets me more precision. But, I also learn discernment and I take this process extremely seriously -- which does help me a lot ironically too.

9. What's something you think beginning spirit workers should know? I would suggest do a lot of shadow work and a lot of research before you even start. You'll get into a lot of shadow work as it is when you do open yourself up to working with a spiritual/entity connection anyway, but this helps prep you up. Also, and importantly, do NOT treat these spirits/entities like they're your cool collections or as an extension of yourself. Treat them with respect. But on your part, and as importantly, please treat your boundaries like they're sacred, holy ground. Know what's healthy for you and don't be a pushover all the time.

10. Any mistakes you see people making? Common misconceptions?

These are my opinions, and my personal experiences. Pay in mind, I am not above these mistakes, but I learned from them and from seeing them in action. The following mistakes I've seen and experienced are: -People treating them like they're their collections; like they're an extension of themselves. -Going into traditional spirit keeping and either getting scammed, or getting involved in spirit trafficking. -Thinking these spirits/entities just magically trust and love you unconditionally off the bat when they meet you. Most likely, not true. Wouldn't that defeat the purpose of building up a unique bond together and learning from the experience? -Thinking they just always agree with your ideologies and views. Some of these beings have a small grasp or care on human perceptions. -People who are on the verge of being another Randy Stair. (An infamous guy who got hyper fixated on fictional characters where it takes escapism to a toxic, mentally destroying turn. The rest of the information will be left for the curious to find out) -Being a complete pushover to the spirit/entity they're working with, aka no boundaries, and it can have bad life consequences or even physical, or mental deterioration. -Believing everything a spirit/entity says about themselves or yourself. -Thinking they're absolute experts on the topic of faeries, dragons, etc. No, these are still human perceptions of these spirits and entities, but I won't discredit them either since it's the best we got at times to really take in some consistent messages or observations. They got their pros and cons, and consistencies. -Gets frustrated at filling the blanks of certain messages, so they fill it in for them and "puppet" the entities/spirit instead. -Thinking the spirit/entity is always out for the spirit worker's benefit. Not all the time, some use the connection as a transactional thing. You get something but they also get something in return strictly, then they can leave. For short, DISCERN. Common sense helps tremendously too.

#spirit work #spirit companion #spirit keeping #spirit companions #spirit companionship #spirits

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ecoevoexo · 1 year

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@miss--celestine

you're right that i'm overreacting to the level of evidence provided and being irresponsible. i don't go on mastodon, and haven't seen it first hand, and the currently circulating evidence is based on multiple accounts that someone revealed LB's identity, and that solid proof is forthcoming. if it turns out to be wrong, i will make an apology and a retraction.

some context: im currently in the early recovery process of being manipulated, abused, and raped by someone, so i'm very triggered around this entire subject. i know people can be falsely accused of things and cancelmobbed; ive experienced that myself multiple times in the past. in fact, LB participated in doing so, back when she didn't have to keep her identity hidden. when i say i'm willing to change my tune with further evidence i mean it. i also am not currently a big fish. only a few people ever interact with my posts, frequently no one. you are the first and so far sole person to interact with the post where im venting about LB, which i made a do-not-reblog so it wouldn't be potentially spread around.

that said, there's a few things i did personally experience around this. firstly, i was mutuals with Slaanesh during the KYLR discourse a couple months ago on twitter. i was arguing that nuance is needed because trans women are so frequently falsely accused, and its therefore important not to jump to conclusions with how response to sexual assault is carried out. on every occasion that she interacted with the discussion, Slaanesh derailed the conversation into vitriol, arguing that anyone pro-KYLR was actually transmisogynist, and generally making it impossible to have a nuanced debate. she was not the only one; there were also people doing the same thing on the other side of the argument. but it raised a yellow flag for me.

then, when people began to leave twitter, a number of posts were made to the effect that eightpoint was the only space for trans women to go to (its not), that it was the only safe space, that no one should stay on twitter, they should instead go to eightpoint. again, i have never been on mastodon, but it raised a lot more yellow flags for me seeing how people were talking about it, and trying to spread around the message that it was the one place people should go. this i witnessed personally, and Slaanesh was only one of the people making these posts.

then, again on twitter, i saw people talking about negative experiences with eightpoint's rules causing them to be isolated, and people defending what looked to me as basically a policy of 'you can never talk about problems you've had with people'. around this time i became aware of certain associations between people involved with eightpoint and the r/antiwork events, which i have not fully investigated yet.

now a claim is circulating without substantiating evidence, and while triggered last night i made this post. again, you are the only person to interact with it, my posts on twitter got a little more interaction but are still a small part of the overall reaction. i do not currently have a big audience, and did not write this post thinking i would have a big social effect. mostly i was in a state of triggered panic (again, im just starting recovery from an abuser whose abuse patterns have some overlap with LB's) and wanted to create personal distance from anyone involved while venting about my frustration with the broader pattern of repeat serial abusers in the trans community.

i'm gonna make the post private unless more evidence comes forward. i'm sure my reasoning is not satisfactory to you, but i'm doing my best and am not used to being in this state of being triggered. i should not really be posting about community issues in this state of mind, and if i have misidentified this person i'm sorry. i've also been told there is a pattern of people being falsely accused of being LB, which i am not familiar with--during my interactions with her years ago she did not hide her identity. i do genuinely feel very uncomfortable with what has gone down and even if LB turns out to be in now way involved i think there's some solid questions to be asked about how eightpoint was advertised to people; these were concerns i had well before LB's name was mentioned.

i remain surprised this post got noticed at all, given that other posts where i'm venting more about personal problems i'm experiencing rarely do.

#i legit dont kno what to believe but i cant trust anyone and this sucks

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unimpressedperson · 2 years

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Diary Entry: Motherhood

TW: Eating disorders, abuse and trauma.

I cannot remember when the thought of possibly becoming a mom began to haunt me.

I never paid an actual mind footnote to motherhood when I was a child. I played with dolls and they all had a partner and children, but also a career and adventures. What my Barbie, Suzy and Lily dolls experienced, the narrative at every playpen and new story, were never an extension of my own dreams and expectations. Although my imagination was quite vivid (a situation which I, nowadays, attach to neurodivergence and synesthesia), nothing actually expressed what I wanted for myself.

If I am to take a guess, I would say the concept of motherhood first creeped in once my sexual life began and I realised how fearful I felt of getting pregnant.

At first I thought that fear was something related to age, since I first had sex at such an early age. However, I'm no longer a teenager, I have a good job, an academic life, more experience. I feel ready to fight patriarchy everyday, but raising a child still frightens me.

I brought this topic up a few times during therapy and the therapist always said the same: the relationship with my parents might be a possible answer.

I am afraid I would represent to my child the same role my parents played on my life.

Growing up with very little interaction along other children (I used to live in a dangerous neighbourhood), I've never fully understood social interactions and boundaries, I was always trying to fit in through imitation, mirroring another child's behaviour in order to somehow grasp on what they were doing. Everybody seemed to have freedom to play with other children living nearby them, and I never had such opportunity, everyone spoke the same language and I was an outcast, even trying my best to be part of groups.

As a straight result, my parents would censor me whenever I began to wish for more freedom. They would prohibit me of playing with children that were neighbours, only allowing me to stay in our backyard and limiting my interactions to children who they allowed to enter our house.

I had cousins that would visit us from time to time, but it was never the same.

The limits my parents imposed to a neurodivergent child seemed pretty clear: everything we do not endorse is condemned, therefore will result in punishment without your comic books, access to internet or certain toys. I was very literal, so I took their words by the heart.

The thread between what they allowed never seemed to ease with time and I felt imprisoned by their walls and towers.

The result was a gloomy and anxious child, that resorted to online communities after midnight. I had access to content someone 9 or 10 years old should never watch or read, I was groomed from an early age by people that took advantage of the fact I was prohibited of experiencing the real world, so their words were to closest to freedom I could get.

I learned how to lie in order to maintain a sort of freedom I knew my parents would not approve (rightfully), but I also experienced censorship and prohibitions for far less damaging situations, how would it be any different? Damned if you, damned if you don't.

When you're a child that takes everything literally, then right and wrong are separated by a sheer layer of details. I always showed small difficulties in detriment of social interactions, repetitive actions, hyperfocus and social anxiety, so I needed comprehension, I needed attention and understanding of my boundaries, I needed psychological support to help me.

Of course, this unlimited access to a world of informations I had as a child also presented me to stuff that helped develop my own personality and interests. Nonetheless, I had to reach a maturity level at 11, most people only understand at 18.

The sexual awakening and loss of my virginity happened early. I could write a whole Diary Entry on how it affected (negatively) my self esteem, how it's not right at all. The point now is that my parents did not know I skipped class and went to my boyfriend's house. They do not know that after I broke up with that boy (who was the same age as me), I had older partners. It's illegal. Someone 14, 15, 16 and 17 cannot consent to anything.

I went through the turmoil of teenagehood without telling my parents about bulimia, bullying, older men hitting on me, about not fitting in, about being part of the LGBT community, anxiety and depression and the urge to hurt myself. I had to cope with trauma and heal myself, re-collecting piece by piece of my mind, heart and dignity.

I did not trust my parents, because I was always afraid of their reaction. They never educated me, they never gave me the tools to grow up in a healthy pace, they tried to overprotect me to an unhealthy extent. They did not nurture a trustworthy relationship with me, so I decided to separate them from my personal life altogether.

Even nowadays, at 23 years old, nothing will be known unless they HAVE to know.

After so many years I came across the "narcissistic parents" expression and I actually cried whilst reading studies about it.

In a very short explanation of a serious concept that should be studied and discussed with professionals, narcissistic parents understand the birth of their child and their development as an extension of their own personality, so your accomplishments are theirs, your mistakes and errors also reflect on their status. Narcissistic parents become overprotective of their children, they might love them, but their actions (if seen in a negative perspective) automatically become an attack against themselves. They're always the main victim of your identity independence.

You do not respect the ones responsible for raising you, because they never respected your limits and emotions. You fear them. You deal with them until gathering enough courage to leave.

The therapist was right all along. I do not want to condemn more children to deal with narcissistic parents.

I know, the chances of reproducing such behaviours become narrow once you acknowledge their results and learn from it. But they're never extinguished.

If I were to have a child, I would like them to respect and love me, trust me to help them grow up and develop on their own pace. Give them tools to learn and nurture their interests. Protect them from the world without forbidding them of acknowledging it. I would like them to feel comfortable around me to open up about their struggles, because they would feel safe with me. I would like to have with them a thriving relationship by showing a positive and free environment.

I never had any of this at home and I'm afraid I would be no better than my parents.

I do not fear motherhood, I fear what I would do once I embrace it.

#motherhood #narcissistic parents #narcissistic mother #trauma #diary entry #growing up #psychology

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novantinuum · 2 years

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"Fi and Link bodyswap + he has a twin" fic sounds wild lol

OKAY ohohohoho this one be wild, because like-

So it's a fusion of a random "what-if" I had about Link and my younger sister OC Aryll being twins instead, and a wild plot bunny that developed in a server about Fi somehow being an active part of the narrative pre-Calamity, and her presence leading towards a far more beneficial outcome

I've written absolutely 0 solid words for it, but I DO have a 5K plot ramble outline, and the basic gist of it is:

So yeah, Link and my sibling OC are twins

Link pulls the sword as normal, is advanced to higher level training

Over the years, his twin Aryll begins to hear... voices... that she eventually determines are coming from the sword. The most distinguishable one... is calling Link's name

(All Arylls regardless of AU have a sort of sensitivity towards spirits.)

She eventually is able to forge some sort of direct contact with this voice, and thus her and Link discover that his sword is alive. Fi introduces herself. At the moment only Aryll is able to communicate with her.

The king, Zelda, Purah, Robbie, and a few others are alerted about this... situation.

Eventually Fi communicates that if they take the sword to a number of spiritually significant places, she may be able to build up enough energy to be able to project a form again.

At the third and last of these locations, the Spring of Wisdom, 17-yr-old Link and Aryll (alas Zelda is not 17 yet, and doesn't go to this third one) head up to go provide the Master Sword the last bout of energy it needs...

And then they're met by the mighty Naydra, slipping out from the cloud layer over the mountain, curling her serpentine body around the icy spikes until she is almost at eye level with Link, and there's a bright, golden flash, and then-

Whoooops! Body swap! Fi is suddenly housed in Link's body, and now LINK is stuck within the sword. It's all very disorienting and confusing, BUT- it allows Fi to have a lot more direct impact on the world.

First off, she's able to convince Rhoam that constant prayer and devotion has no bearings on Zelda accessing her sealing power, and eventually Rhoam acquiesces to Zelda spending more time researching ancient tech.

Zelda's early foray into the ancient tech and Fi's presence leads to the consideration that these devices have very poor security. Fi senses that there's a reasonable probability that Ganon- having already seen this technology- might be able to find some way to hack into it. So first off, they fix this loophole!

There's some problems as well, though... because of course no one has any clue how to switch Link and Fi back, and Link is sorta just... "I am... I am jus sitting here" in the sword. He can mentally communicate with Aryll and Fi, but that's kinda it. He feels incredibly helpless, and that's crippling. This is basically the literal personification of his greatest fear- that people ultimately see him as nothing more but an extension of a weapon.

Aryll deeply, deeply misses her brother. Before this, they've never been physically apart for so long. Seeing her brother's form and knowing that the individual within it is not TRULY her sibling is rough, even though she is patient with Fi, and accommodating as much as she can.

And Fi, Fi is in a whole confusing new world because here she is feeling physical sensations for the first time, experiencing kinds of social interactions she's never dealt with before... it's strange, but also... she quickly and swiftly begins to fall in love with the idea of finally being free of her vessel. With... with just existing, as a physical, flesh-and-blood living being. And yet she also knows that... that without being bound to a spirit, the Master Sword is just a sword. It will no longer function to seal the darkness. As long as the lingering threads of Demise's curse stand within this world, she can never be free.

There's a lot of other bullshit but ultimately this ends up becoming a "break the cycle" story. These are the youth who end this curse once and for all.

#jen rambles #loz #botw #aryll #(ohohoh i may not tag anyone else but i GOTTA keep together all my aryll content XD)

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altheadajoysoul · 2 years

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Istg at this point, im just gonna stop reblogging/interacting with tk community problems unless its very important.

read more ig if you wanna read full rant

Cause at this point (infact not really this point, its been like this for a while) its just all the same topics just being thrown back n forth, dying and for some reason coming back again and its all just repetative now... :/

So yeah, from now on, im just gonna enjoy whatever the fck im doing cause im happy doing it and I know to myself that I feel safe while doing it. Im nearly turning into that ✨legal age✨ soon so ofc I know my own and others' boundaries.

Im not an 8 year old wandering into the internet for the first time with no idea wtf's going on. I've also experienced some sht that I prefer not talking about for personal reasons, but from what people say, "experiences helps you learn", and they're saying the truth cause I learned how to prevent said events from happening again.

Tickling is just tickling for me. Literally the definition itself is the exact way I see it.

You touch someone lightly and they go hehe and that's that, I simply gain serotonin for that, nothing more nothing less.

No hidden meanings to it at all. Its not that deep. Its not shakespear level of understanding ffs.

I like it cause its cute. That simple.

"Oh but-" I enjoy it when others enjoy it.

"But its-" And when it makes them happy, then im happy too.

Simple. As. That. You cant make it any deeper for me cause it has no deeper meaning for me.

We all have our own opinions and perspectives after all. Your opinions are yours, my opinions are mine.

Don't like something? Block button is free. Go and be happy.

And I shall also try to be happy as well

#vent/rant

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rovenim · 24 days

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A Letter to Myself #22

It's a same date, 10th March but the difference is I'm feeling 22 in this year!

Welcoming myself into twenty-two era isn't easy, recognizing i'm turning twenty-two this year make me realize i'll face another challenge adjusting to my age (i consider it's like a game level) which is everything that happens could be different from previous years. Different levels, different difficulty of heaviness, different settings, and other things that support differences.

:::

What i did in my twenty-one era (that could be a new thing or experience in my life also changed myself in a positive way):

First time experience to create bachelor's degree final project in 6th semester, i called it as "my hectic era ever" because i still had subject classes also i took additional classes. it's really hard to balancing my thesis final project and another subject class final semester projects. ((SHOUT OUT TO MY COLLEGE FRIENDS, U GUYS HELPED ME A LOT!!))

First time i met "thesis defense" in my life (my biggest fear as a college student) my fear is failure and i attracted what i fear, shit happens. But thanks to God i was given the opportunity to improve my thesis. I changed my mindset "don't be afraid, everything will be okay. u'll made it, u know what your weakness is, and this time to change and make it stronger." AND I MADE IT!!

Bukber (buka bersama) events for the first time after the pandemic. Hip hip horaaaaay, i met all of my high school friends. Such a good moment to cherish <3

This year i decided to to collect all Junji Ito's comics (Indonesian ver.)

First time i'm going to Kwangya Store! As a pink blood, i'm lovin it!

Started to bought album after a year i stopped myself to collect album (it's because #DOJAEJUNG debut).

First time using fake nails, AND I'M ADDICTED.

First time trying ramen (re: Hakata Ikkousha) and I REALLY LIKE IT. no, I LOVE IT.

First time trying to make a vlog with a "re-cap" theme, showing an interaction moment with all of my friends.

The first time I went to a job fair and LPDP event with my friends, it was very memorable for me. after me and my friends arrived at the event and saw the many young people there, this sentence immediately came to my mind "welcome to the jungle".

First time going to Project Pop's concert with my friends, and also experiencing the rain during the concert hahahaha, that was very memorable event! a day full of funny moment and plot twist!

First time going to the comfiest and pleasing aesthetic libraries in this town: Perpusda TIM and Erasmus Huis Library.

I made lots of friends from the k-pop community (especially nctzens) that i've been met in concerts and picnic day event. they're so lovely and nice to meet u guys!

As a person who had birth in Jakarta, this is my biggest pride after 21 years. I'm going to Monumen Nasional (Monas) which is Indonesia's capital city icon. But there's a good and there's a bad, the bad thing is i can't make it to the top of the Monas because the limited quota per day. Poor me.

Waiting for a long time to get a new job as a freshgraduate when some of my friends gotten their jobs, and people around me started asking me about when i getting a job. At the same time, i tried to fight my insecurities within myself and continued to apply to all companies and keep praying for good guidance for me. I know God's plan is much better than my plan and after all, i got it at the end of the year!

In 2023, i felt i spend a lot of time to going out-life update with my old friends (who haven't seen each other for a long time). This was very rapid increase from 2022 (i'm a homie person). I went to place that i've never been there before, trying so many foods (mostly popular food #fomo).

When i look back what i've been through in my 21 era, i iknew not all good things only happen to me, but there's bad things too. Life is yin and yang. i never know how happiness feels, if i never experience sadness before, and because happiness and sadness happened to me, i know the things of life called "grateful". Last year i want myself to be more grateful than before, so i tried to be someone who always being grateful and trying to take meaning from the things that happen in my life. because i believe that if something can happen there must be a purpose behind it, and God designed my life not without purpose. Now, i'm still learning to be a grateful peson and tries to maintain it.

For this year, i want to make a change within myself that i really wanted to do a long long time ago. Change what i can change, controlled things what i can control and it started from myself. I only can change and control myself, not people around me or this universe (damn it's crazy).

I'm a people pleaser, one of my friends know i have that weakness. So, she always encourages me to get freakin out from "people pleaser bubble" and that isn't easy for me. It needs more time to awakening my bravery (???), change my mindset about how i treat people and why i need to prioritize myself first.

Start from the second month of 2024, something happened to me so i feel like i need to make a change asap. Thinking 'bout how this thing can be powerful affected to me, i feel like i need some help.

For the first in many years before, i experienced an unpleasant feeling in a room. everything has changed, including me. The longer i feel uncomfortable, i try to find out why and is it wrong for me to feel that way? after asking several people about it, everyone answered the same thing "you don't have to endure everything, say no if you don't like it."

My friend who knew from the start about it said:

"If you feel unhappy or uncomfortable, let it go. if you feel staying away is a good thing for you, do it. you don't have to feel wrong, it's not your fault. be brave. don't be people pleaser again. that's enough."

Because of their responses and suggestions, i choose to take an action to be a brave person this time. Until i posted my letter on Tumblr, i still dealing with this situation (change what i can change). Hopefully i can feel calmer and wiser in choosing which path is good for me, can stop being a people pleaser and can find the true meaning of life as a human being. Don't forget to enjoy your life, Rove.

Good luck,

Rove.

#a letter to myself #birthday #adulthood is hard #mindset #character development #twentytwoera

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