#and though I frequently feel I am not nerdy enough to be a nerd. I am Significatly more nerdy than I think literally all of my coworkers

[girlscience]

I totally love being just a little too weird for normal people, but not weird enough for them to avoid me. It's great. Makes for wonderful conversations where I think I have something interesting to add and a chance to share something I like and then get made fun of.

#I know I should just... not talk about things I like a work #cause even though we are all scientists we are definitely not all nerds #and though I frequently feel I am not nerdy enough to be a nerd. I am Significatly more nerdy than I think literally all of my coworkers #and so when people are talking about themes of shows like Alien.... and are already kind of being laughed at for thinking those movies had #something interesting to say.... maybe I should not jump in with how I enjoy doing the same thing with transformers #I will get scoffed at and eyerolled at and people will not look at me and will make comments to end the conversation #also because I will get a little too into it and stop being able to look at people while also waving my arms around #which works great when I'm ranting about media with Kaz 💜 #but uh. not so great when you are eating lunch at a table with a bunch of coworkers who decidedly don't do that

[actuallykiwi]

Inner Dragon  Chapter 5: The Return of Dragons

A long hot bath and a night at the Sleeping Giant Inn later, Annie sat contentedly at a table in the corner of the tavern. The Riverwood tavern was quiet, as early in the morning most patrons had already headed home. She munched on her apple as Kaidan emerged from his room, looking much cleaner and well rested than the night before. “And how are you feeling this fine morning?” She asked as she wiped the apple juice from her mouth.

“Enjoying a warm tavern and a good ale, you’ll get no complaints from me,” he plopped down in the seat across from her and downed the mug she got for him. “Ah, so what about you? How’re you holding up?” 

She thought for a minute. “Feeling much better after a bath. Nervous, maybe? Empowered? I mean I’ve never delved into a ruin like that, let alone to get an artifact as important as this.” She patted the Dragonstone that was nestled safely in her bag. “All in all, I feel... adventurous.” She finished with a smirk. 

Kaidan grinned back at her. “Glad to hear it. Good to get you out of the books, metaphorically speaking.” She rolled her eyes, “Haha, I’m a nerd, I get it.” 

There was a few quiet moments where they enjoyed their breakfast before Kaidan broke the silence. “I am curious about you, though.” Annie looked at him inquisitively. “What did you wanna know?”

“Well, where are you from?” 

“Chorrol, down in Cyrodiil. Not too far from the Imperial City, which is where my brother frequents for the Legion. I was in our city’s chapter of the Mages Guild, so, y’know, hence the nerdiness.” She shrugged. Kaidan scratched his head, “Still unsure what ‘nerd’ means, but I’ll take your word for it. Cyrodiil, huh? You must miss your homeland. I hope the war hasn’t made Skyrim too... unwelcoming.” She laughed dryly. “Yeah, we did get one heck of a welcome party. But thanks. It’s warming up on me.” She smiled at him, and he returned it with a nod.

She cleared her throat. “Anyways, what else did you wanna know?” 

“I know we’re looking for your brother, got any other family out there?” 

“Yup, our parents! Brienna and Jace Sinclair. They’re both back home in Chorrol.” “Do you miss them? Ah, perhaps that’s a daft question.” 

“No no, you’re fine. And yes, I do. It’s only been a couple weeks since I saw them last, but with all that’s happened with Alec, the war, and the dragon in Skyrim...” she trailed off, and Kaidan placed his hand on her wrist. “It must be hard to be away from them right now. But I know they miss you, too. They must be proud of you both.” 

The amount of sincerity in his voice and his grip on her arm surprised her. From the look in his eyes boring into her, she knew he meant every word. It was almost enough to make her tear up, but she smiled warmly at him. “Thank you. It is hard being away from them, but that’s why it’s so important we find Alec. And we will.” “Aye, we will.” He nodded firmly and removed his hand. 

“Sooo, enough about me. Your turn! What brings you to Skyrim?” 

“I’ve spent a long time wandering; this is where my feet led me.” She waited for him to continue speaking. “And...?” He chuckled. “To own the truth, I’ve come back to Skyrim to learn something of my heritage, my bloodline. The few clues I have pointed me here, but it takes time to decode. So, I’m paying my way by collecting bounties.” 

“You have no family to ask?” “No... not anymore. Perhaps I do have blood kin out there, but I’ve never known them.” Annie couldn’t imagine not having a family. Being without hers right now was more painful than she let on, but she was surviving. She studied him a bit more. His skin was a soft honey tan, almost golden like an elf, and somewhat leathery. And his eyes... she had never seen them on men or mer. Sharp, pensive, and a deep crimson-like hazel. The red tattoo that coated the right side of his face was also not familiar to her. “You don’t even know your race? You definitely don’t look like a Nord.”

“No. I was raised as one, by one. But I have no Voice of the Emperor or Dragonskin magic... I don’t even know the race of my mother. All I have is a hunch, but I need proof.” She perked up. “Well, I do like a good mystery! Maybe I could help?” He blinked at her. “You’d do that?” She nodded. 

“I suppose I could use the help. The best clue I have is my sword, but I’m certain we can find out more in our travels.” “You got it. I’ll keep an eye out! And speaking of travels, time to get moving?” 

“Aye. Let’s return that Claw first.” She agreed, and the pair rounded up their belongings and headed out. 

***************************************

The shopkeep was very grateful to have his shiny golden trinket back, and his sister was a little... too grateful. Kaidan and Annie got back on the road before things got too uncomfortable. 

“You’d think with two guys pawning after her already, she wouldn’t flirt with a total stranger, right? She was pretty, though.” Annie thought aloud as they crossed the bridge and started their journey back to Whiterun. “Hey, you weren’t the one getting groped. They can have her,” Kaidan shuddered. “Agreed. She was really forward.” Annie thought about how Carlotta came right out and offered to “pay him back in full” and ran a hand down his arm. “Ohhoho, Miss Annie, do I detect a hint of jealousy?” He grinned slyly and nudged her. “Hah! Not a chance! I’m just using you for your sword.” She teased.

“My sword, eh? That could mean a lot of things...” She turned beet red and punched his arm. “No no that’s not what I meant!! Kaidan!!” He laughed as they trekked on. 

The rest of the trip to Whiterun, they talked more about Annie’s family and shared childhood stories. Eventually, the Plains opened up and they arrived at the city gates around noon. Fog blanketed the land, and the sky cast long grey shadows. By the time they reached Dragonsreach, the fog had mostly cleared, but the sky was still overcast. Annie always loved rain and storms, but this felt... symbolic, somehow. Almost foreshadowing. 

She didn’t dwell on it for too long as they entered the keep and made their way towards the court wizard’s chamber. As they rounded the corner, Annie heard voices. She put a hand up to Kaidan as they stood against the wall. There was a voice she didn’t recognize speaking to Farengar. 

“You see? The terminology is clearly First Era or even earlier. I'm convinced this is a copy of a much older text. Perhaps dating to just after the Dragon War. If so, I could use this to cross-reference the names with other later texts." Farengar rambled. 

"Good. I'm glad you're making progress. My employers are anxious to have some tangible answers." The other voice was female. She sounded impatient.  

"Oh, have no fear. The Jarl himself has finally taken an interest, so I'm now able to devote most of my time to this research." He rifled around some papers.  "Time is running, Farengar, don't forget. This isn't some theoretical question. Dragons have come back." The voice was not quiet. Annie and Kaidan shared a look.  "Yes, yes. Don't worry. Although the chance to see a living dragon up close would be tremendously valuable... Now, let me show you something else I found... very intriguing... I think your employers may be interested as well..."

They shared one last nod before Annie gently knocked on the wall and they peeped around the corner. The source of the voice glared up at them from beside Farengar. A woman in leather armor pinned Annie with her glare, her pale blue eyes narrowed in suspicion and shadowed by a hood. She nudged Farengar without moving her gaze. “You have a visitor.” 

 It took the wizard a moment to drag himself out of his notes.  "Hmm? Ah, yes, the Jarl's protege! Back from Bleak Falls Barrow? You didn't die, it seems.” Annie glimpsed down at herself. “Uh, yeah, it seems not...? Here you go.” She shook her head and handed him the artifact. “Ah! The Dragonstone of Bleak Falls Barrow! Seems you are a cut above the usual brutes the Jarl sends my way. My... associate here will be pleased to see your handiwork. She discovered its location by means she has so far declined to share with me.”  He looked pointedly at the hooded woman, "So your information was correct after all. And we have our friend here to thank for recovering it for us." She now eyed Annie and Kaidan with surprise. 

"You went into Bleak Falls Barrow and got that? Nice work.” With a nod of approval, she turned back to Farengar. “Just send me a copy when you've deciphered it." They exchanged a few more words and the hooded woman began to leave. As she exited the room, she almost ran right into Irileth, who was sprinting into the room. The woman evaded her and scurried out into the hall. Irileth was panting and looked agitated. 

"Farengar! Farengar, you need to come at once. A dragon's been sighted nearby!” She glanced at Annie. “You should come, too." Annie blinked at her and was about to reply, but Farengar quite literally jumped from his hoard of papers and approached Irileth.  "A dragon! How exciting! Where was it seen? What was it doing?" The elf shook her head.  "I'd take this a bit more seriously if I were you. If a dragon decides to attack Whiterun, I don't know if we can stop it. Let's go." She gestured for all of them to follow her, which Farengar excitedly obliged.

Annie looked back at Kaidan. “Fighting a dragon? I’ve been face-to-face with one before but there’s no way I can-” “Let’s just see what’s going on. We’ll go from there.” He reassured her. She nodded, and they followed Irileth up a flight of stairs. 

Jarl Balgruuf was standing in what seemed to be a small war room behind the throne room. He was speaking to a guard that was covered in scorch marks, and seemed worse for the wear.  "So, Irileth tells me you came from the western watchtower?" The guard nodded. “Yes, my lord.” Irileth approached them. “Tell him what you told me, about the dragon.” The guard seemed nervous, scared.  "Uh... that's right. We saw it coming from the south. It was fast... faster than anything I've ever seen."

"What did it do? Is it attacking the watchtower?" Balgruuf seemed to be in deep thought.  "No, my lord. It was just circling overhead when I left. I never ran so fast in my life... I thought it would come after me for sure." The Jarl patted his shoulder.  "Good work, son. We'll take it from here. Head down to the barracks for some food and rest. You've earned it.” The guard nodded and limped back down the stairs. “Irileth, you'd better gather some guardsmen and get down there." Irileth stood at attention. “I’ve already ordered my men to muster near the main gate.” 

“Good. Don’t fail me.” Irileth bowed and stepped to the side as Balgruuf’s attention diverted to Annie, who was watching timidly but stood straighter as he approached. He seemed almost remorseful for what he was about to ask.  "There's no time to stand on ceremony, my friend. I need your help again. I want you to go with Irileth and help her fight this dragon.” Annie eyes went wide. “But, Jarl, I’ve never-” “You survived Helgen, so you have more experience with dragons than anyone else here. But I haven't forgotten the service you did for me in retrieving the Dragonstone for Farengar. As a token of my esteem, I instructed Avenicci that you are now permitted to purchase property in the city. And please accept this gift from my personal armory." 

The Jarl picked up a scabbard from the table and handed it to Annie. She reluctantly took it from him and unsheathed the sword a few inches. The blade of an iron sword gleamed up at her, with a slight fiery glow. “It’s enchanted.” Kaidan noted from over her shoulder with a nod of approval. She looked back up at the Jarl. “Sir, just because I’ve seen a dragon before doesn’t mean I can fight one! In fact, that same dragon almost took my life!” She thought back to the moment the dragon Shouted at her, sending her and several others flying. Her head still sometimes ached from the impact of hitting the wall. 

 Balgruuf placed his hand on her shoulder. “I know it’s scary, but you will not be alone in this fight. From the moment I met you, I knew something was different in you. I still haven’t pinpointed what, but I know that you can do this. Trust your instinct. Trust your friends.” With this, he glimpsed at Kaidan and backed away. Kaidan gripped her shoulder as well and gave her a reassuring look. She glimpsed back at the sword, hooked it onto her belt, and took a shaky breath. “Okay.” 

Annie and Kaidan made their way out as Farengar approached the Jarl.  "I should come along. I would very much like to see this dragon." "No. I can't afford to risk both of you. I need you here working on ways to defend the city against these dragons." Farengar seemed disappointed, but did not argue. "As you command." Balgruuf called out to his housecarl. "One last thing, Irileth. This isn’t a death or glory mission. I need to know what we’re dealing with.” She bowed again. “Don’t worry, my lord. I am the very soul of caution.” With that, she gestured to Annie and Kaidan, and the three of them ran out of the hall. 

By the front gates, Irileth was giving an inspiring speech to her men, who all seemed just as nervous as Annie. Kaidan watched her as she had a death grip on the hilt of her new sword, trying her best to listen to the speech. “You okay?” He asked gently. “Kaidan, I’m not a warrior. I’m not even a soldier! I’m just a mage that loves studying, learning- I-I mean I know destruction spells, and I can hold my own in a fight, but a dragon?? Back in Helgen, I’ve never been so scared in my life, and now I’m being asked to go through that again...” She was biting her nails, but got a nasty shock when she realized her hands were tingling with electricity. “Listen, Annie.” He stood in front of her so she had to look up at him. 

“Remember what the Jarl said: You’re not alone in this. Trust me. I’ll be there the whole time. I swore to protect you to repay my debt to you, and I’m standing by that promise. You can do this.” Annie stopped trembling and met his eyes. He wasn’t grinning, wasn’t frowning. His eyes were filled with fierce determination. He truly believed in her. 

“...The glory of killing it is ours, if you're with me! Now what do you say? Shall we go kill us a dragon?" Irileth finished off her speech with rallying cries from the soldiers. Kaidan held up a hand to Annie. She glimpsed down to make sure her anxiety-driven Sparks had worn off, and when she knew they had, she gripped his hand. He firmly squeezed it, and with a heartfelt, possibly excited grin, he took off running with the group, Annie close behind him. 

*******************************************

It was a short run to the Western Watchtower. But what lie in its place was not a tower, but still-smoldering ruins. The tower was half crumbled to the ground, nowhere near its original height. A walkway and barricades were torn down and burning with still-roaring flames. Worst of all, charred corpses lie scattered amid the ruins. The dragon had definitely left its mark. 

Irileth led the group up to a short hill across from the carnage. “No signs of any dragon right now, but it sure looks like he's been here. I know it looks bad, but we've got to figure out what happened. And if that dragon is still skulking around somewhere. Spread out and look for survivors. We need to know what we're dealing with." She and the soldiers brandished their weapons and charged onto the scene. Annie and Kaidan made their way toward the tower and quickly found something. 

A guard, scorched like the other was, crouched by the doorway inside, trembling. His eyes grew wide when he saw them enter. He shakily stood and shooed them out.  "No! Get back! It's still here somewhere! Hroki and Tor just got grabbed when they tried to make a run for it!" Irileth, who was nearby, came to investigate.  "Guardsman! What happened here? Where's this dragon? Quickly now!"

He shook his head. “I don’t know!” As they approached the bottom of the tower, he froze. His head turned slowly south and he fell to his knees. “Kynareth save us, here he comes again...” 

Everyone turned toward where he was facing, and listened. Sure enough, Annie heard it. It was in the distance, but she knew the sound all too well. A roar. A dragon’s roar. The clouds were still thick and blocking the sky, but they could faintly see a shadow move from the mountain top and disappear overhead. “Here he comes! Find cover and make every arrow count!” Irileth found a spot by the crumbled walkway and readied her weapon. Kaidan pulled Annie over behind the tower where a small outcropping covered them. 

They all waited. Listened as one last roar, much closer this time, echoed just overhead. It was quiet. Still, as everyone held their breath and watched the skies. 

Then the dragon dropped from the clouds and snatched up a guard from the walkway in his mouth. With a sickening crunch, the dragon flew back above and flung the guard’s body back to the ground. Annie was going to be sick. 

A war cry rose from the brave troop as they unleashed all they had upon it. Arrows and spells sprang up from all directions. Kaidan unsheathed his own bow and landed a few himself. Annie stayed behind him as he crept around the tower and followed the beast wherever it went. The dragon made a few laps around the premises, then landed with an earth-shaking crash. It took a breath, “Everyone get down!!” and Shouted. 

Flames roared out across the ruins as everyone ducked for cover, some not so lucky were still out in the open. Kaidan yelled and covered Annie behind a broken wall. Even through him, she could feel the immense heat that surrounded them. Once the fire stopped, everyone brave enough emerged from their hiding and began to strike it again. Annie found herself hyperventilating on the ground as Kaidan stood up from shielding her. “Stay here!” He shouted, and went back to attacking. 

She was doing everything she could to calm down. Her pulse was racing, her vision was blurry, she couldn’t breathe. She watched from behind the wall as men began approaching the dragon and attacking head-on, but the dragon’s strong jaws had them quickly, and they were gone. She closed her eyes and willed herself to calm down again. 

Suddenly, everything went quiet, and time seemed to slow. The sounds of the battle were muffled. The fire that raged from the beast roared around her, a distant rage. Her gaze found Kaidan, who was rising from his cover and launching another assault. Kaidan, a stranger fast becoming a friend, who believed in her. Her brother Alec, somewhere out there, probably looking for her too, believed in her. 

She was terrified. The sparks igniting her whole body at this point proved it so. But now was the time to use that fear, and prove them right. 

Something burned within her. Something shifted within her, and she found herself standing up from the rubble. 

The dragon paused, very briefly, and made eye contact. Its face registered something which she would later realize was recognition. The guards were doing a number on it, but it wasn’t enough. 

With her body still running on pure adrenaline, and whatever fire was now raging inside of her, she mustered all of her magicka into her hands, and struck out towards it. 

An amount of electricity that could instantly kill a man was pouring from her outstretched arms. She was screaming, but you couldn’t hear it over the shock. 

It wasn’t killing it, but it certainly caught the dragon’s attention. With it distracted for just long enough, the other men moved in and hit it once again with everything they had. It was Irileth that dealt the final blow, with a sword through its head by way of its eye. Its other eye met Annie’s again, this time with fear. And then she heard something she never expected. She heard it speak, to her. 

“Dovahkiin!? No!!!” 

Irileth removed her sword, and the beast collapsed, lying still. Annie fell to her hands and knees, all of her magic drained from her. The handful of surviving men were already rejoicing. Irileth approached the body. “Now let’s see if this overgrown lizard is really dead.” The guards approached with her, but froze in their tracks. 

The body was igniting. Flames appeared from inside it and engulfed it. “Everyone, get back!” Someone yelled, and they all ducked for cover. All except Annie, who was still too weak to stand. Kaidan rushed over to her and tried to help her up. “Annie!” 

She was barely standing when the body was fully ignited, and then a strong wind moved through. Something was coming out of the dragon, and into her. The shock of the absorption knocked her out of Kaidan’s grasp, but she was still barely standing. This power flowing into her was blindingly burning, but felt... natural. It wasn’t forcing its way in, although the force was strong. The dragon’s body dissolved into nothing but bones, as if all its life force was now moving into Annie. 

After a moment, it finished, and all the wind and fire faded away. Annie dropped to one knee and began panting. “By the gods... what just happened to you?” Kaidan knelt next to her and placed a hand on her back, but quickly snatched it back. She felt like she was on fire. 

“I don’t.. I don’t know...” All the others were gathering around her, silent with awe. One guard stepped up, his mouth agape. “I can’t believe it... you’re Dragonborn!” Annie used Kaidan’s shoulder as a crutch to help herself stand. She was cooling off and touching the metal of his armor, which he was quietly grateful for. “I’m a what?”

“Dragonborn. In the very oldest tales, back when there still were dragons in Skyrim, the Dragonborn would slay dragons and steal their power. That's what you did, isn't it? Absorbed that dragon's power?" The guard explained. Annie felt her chest. She was warm, but not burning anymore. That roar and power that she felt earlier was louder now. Whatever just happened, it definitely awoke something within her. “I mean... it certainly felt like it...” 

“There's only one way to find out. Try to Shout... According to the old legends, only the Dragonborn can Shout without training, the way the dragons do." The other guards began debating the legend. Annie looked down at her hands. They were still hers, but they felt... different, somehow. Stronger. She felt stronger. Kaidan was watching her intently. “How do you feel?” She looked up at him. “Honestly? A little freaked out.” He chuckled. “But... I feel stronger, somehow. And really, really warm. And my chest kind of, burns? Not like heartburn, but like... something is... alive. Am I making sense?” Kaidan chuckled again and shook his head, “Not really, but after what just happened, who knows?”

The men had dragged Irileth into the debate. They finished arguing, and looked back at Annie. "If you really are Dragonborn, like the old tales, you ought to be able to Shout. Can you? Have you tried?" She looked at Kaidan. He shrugged. She sighed and walked a distance away, facing away from the handful of survivors. 

She definitely absorbed something from the dragon. The burning in her chest was working its way up to her throat while she thought. Okay, Shouting. I can do that? Think, Annie. If dragons can Shout, that means it’s in their language, right? What do you know about their language? Nothing really. Except... one Word... from the Barrows... The burn sat dead center of her throat. She envisioned the physical form of the Word she saw, how it engulfed her vision, how she heard and felt it through her entire body. She gripped her fists, and took a deep breath and, 

“FUS!”

The volume of her Voice shocked her. She couldn’t help but cover her mouth out of surprise. She Shouted. “I did it...” She whispered. 

The others gasped and murmured. The same guard from before approached her.  "That was Shouting, what you just did! Must be. You really are Dragonborn, then..." Annie turned to face Kaidan, who was right behind her, his shocked face matching hers. “Well, I’ll be damned... I’m traveling with a Dragonborn...” She couldn’t help but nervously chuckle. 

"That was the hairiest fight I've ever been in, and I've been in more than a few. I don't know about this Dragonborn business, but I'm sure glad you're with us. Jarl Balgruuf will want to know what happened here. I'm taking command here for the moment. You head back to Whiterun and let the Jarl know what happened." Irileth seem unperturbed by the discovery, but impressed nonetheless. Kaidan nodded and gently guided Annie back to the road and towards Whiterun.

“This... changes everything, doesn’t it?” She asked aloud. “It only changes what you want it to. You’re still Annie, just, a little louder now.” She chuckled. “I never knew I could get that loud.” He shook his head. “Quick way to win an argument, though.” 

Annie was beginning to feel a little weak by the time they reached the city stables. It felt like the heat was wearing off, and she was back to feeling the drain of her magicka. She stumbled a bit, and Kaidan caught her arm over his shoulders. “I’ve got you.” 

They had just made it past the first gate when a loud clap of thunder shook the earth, sending them tumbling to the ground. But through the rumble, Annie heard the unmistakable Shout, 

“DO-VAH-KIIN!” 

Her head was ringing. She couldn’t hear anything, even Kaidan who was shouting something in her ear. The world was spinning and everything was fading away. Somewhere, she heard Kaidan call her name, and then all went black. 

Previous

#skyrim #writing #fanfiction #inner dragon fic #annie sinclair #kaidan skyrim #kaidan skryim mod

[averykedavra]

91. “i’m not kissing you in the rain, we’ll catch our deaths!” with logince, if you’d like?

(A classic! I wrote a version of this here with loroyality, if you’d like to read that, too!)

Words: 3367

Roman knew that real-life romance wasn’t exactly like it was in the movies.

For one thing, kissing sleeping princesses was frowned upon, for obvious reasons. For another, dragons did not usually frequent college campuses. There was also a distinct lack of princes, although there was a tower for the astronomy classes, which could perhaps serve as a prison.

In general, it was highly disappointing.

Still, Roman tried to make the most of it. Some romantic tropes could still be employed--flowers, for instance, or surprise dates, or fountains.

The campus even had a lucky fountain! Toss a penny in at the beginning of the year, and you’d get straight As. Roman had done so, of course. It hadn’t worked. Maybe the luck came on a delayed schedule. Roman still believed.

Roman believed in a lot of things--lucky fountains, fairies, and a Disney-style romance. Just because they hadn’t worked didn’t mean they wouldn’t work! He just had to do them right.

The first two were difficult to tackle during a semester of classes, but the third was attainable.

Especially when his science partner was so cute.

Logan apparently liked science class, which made him a nerd, but Roman could forgive that. It had made their science labs far easier. And it was eclipsed by his cuteness, in a way that somehow made the nerdiness also cute. That was a powerful skill indeed, and one that Logan deployed without thought. Whenever he wrinkled his nose or rolled his eyes or slid into a tangent about physics, Roman found himself in a bubble of happiness.

In a movie, there would be actual bubbles, or maybe flowers. Or maybe just a glow. Things still glowed when Logan was nearby, but Roman was pretty sure that was all in his imagination. He sent a picture of Logan to Virgil, in order to check. You’re in deep, was all that Virgil texted back.

And yes! Yes, Roman was in deep, and he was not ashamed! He was in love. Well, like--he couldn’t quite be in love at first sight, or even fifth study session, because that wasn’t how real life worked. He liked Logan, though. A lot. He wanted to kiss him on the cheek and listen to him talk about space.

It was hard to tell if Logan liked him back. Real life, unfortunately, held the large possibility that Logan did not. But Roman used his incredible observation skills, and by the third time Logan flushed when they bumped shoulders, he was pretty sure.

Logan liked him. Roman liked Logan, too.

Simple--this was the ‘ride into the sunset’ part of things. Except that involved one of them telling the other, and Roman could just say he liked Logan, but that wasn’t what he was supposed to do! He was supposed to woo him! That was how love worked.

So Roman tried to woo his lab partner.

And it went, well, not as poorly as it could have. Logan didn’t do anything extreme, like throw up or declare Roman a fiend. He just--ignored it. He ignored every single flirtatious line Roman threw at him.

At first, Roman could reasonably believe he hadn’t noticed--Logan was a bit naive in social situations, which was incredibly endearing--but he slowly began to doubt that. After he sent Logan flowers and Logan didn’t touch them, Roman gave in. Logan must have noticed. He just didn’t seem to care.

Which didn’t match up with anything. Logan had been interested in him--Roman knew it, and all their friends agreed. So if he was interested, he should be enjoying this!

That was how it worked!

And yes, dragons weren’t real, and yes, lucky fountains didn’t work, but something had to be true. It was called true love for a reason. Roman was supposed to sweep Logan off his feet, kiss him, and like it. That was how the story went.

Yet Logan stubbornly refused to play along.

Roman worked through his entire list of pickup lines. He spent half their study sessions inching his way closer before touching Logan’s hand, and feeling Logan pull away. He bought cookies, was curtly handed back the cookies, and was forced to eat the cookies by himself in his dorm room.

And he’d stop if Logan said no. If Logan clearly said he wasn’t interested--because he could reasonably have changed his mind--or that he didn’t want Roman to do this. But he never said anything. He just acted like it never happened.

Maybe that was a no. Maybe Roman was just not taking the hint. He definitely didn’t want to make his friend uncomfortable, but he couldn’t believe this was it, that he was stuck loveless and embarrassed and barely following along with science class.

He gave himself one more day. One last study session of attempting to drop hints, and if Logan let them fall like lead balloons, he’d cut it out.

“Your shirt looks really cute on you!” Roman said.

Logan hummed and turned a page.

“Oh, that’s how it works?” Roman grinned. “I get it now! You’re so smart.”

“Thank you,” Logan said. “It wasn’t that hard.”

“Cute, smart, and humble. Triple threat!”

Logan shrugged a bit and returned to the worksheet.

“Aw, I don’t want this to be over,” Roman said as the sky darkened. “Do you want to meet up again soon?”

“We have class together next week,” Logan pointed out.

“No, like--on our own.” Roman held out a hand. “Like a date.”

Logan looked at his hand, back up, and closed his notes. “I should get going, I think it’s going to rain.”

Roman’s stomach sank as he watched Logan stand and gather his things. Eventually, he put his own books away. The library was quiet as he followed Logan to the door. He couldn’t find the courage to make conversation.

Logan pulled open the door and peered out. “It’s already drizzling.”

“I have an umbrella?” Roman suggested, pulling out his umbrella. “If you don’t have one, I can walk you to where you need to go?”

“Oh!” Logan smiled at him. “Thank you, Roman, I’d appreciate that.”

And see, this was what messed with Roman! Logan didn’t seem bothered by the flirting, as he still treated Roman normally, so was he mad or was he uncomfortable or was he oblivious or was he--

Roman opened the umbrella, held it over Logan’s head, and gestured to the door.

“A rainbow umbrella,” Logan said. “Of course.”

“I’m gay! I have to show it!” Roman winked at Logan. “Now, come on, Specs, where are you headed?”

“My dorm building,” Logan said, as they carefully stepped outside. Roman held the umbrella above both of them, his arm around Logan’s shoulders. Logan didn’t seem to mind. “Are you sure the umbrella will fit both of us?”

“It seems to work!” Roman shuffled forward, and Logan followed. “It’s like those three-legged races, we just have to step in unison.”

Logan nodded and watched Roman’s feet, his nose wrinkling adorably, like it always did when he focused. “Step now?”

“Step now!” Roman grinned. “Step, step, step in time, step in time--”

“No Mary Poppins.”

“But Julie Andrews!”

Logan huffed, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “I’m not going to sing it with you, I hope you know that.”

“Good enough for me!” Roman declared. “Step in time, step in time, never need a reason, never need a rhyme.”

The rain was already falling faster. They walked in awkward unison down the sidewalk, past the parking lot, and towards the dorm buildings. They sat like brick lumps on the other side of the quad. All the grass was already muddy, and nobody was around, except for a few freshmen running to the Humanities building with coats over their heads.

“I should have brought my umbrella,” Logan complained as the rain increased. “The water is dripping down my neck.”

“Oh, it is?” Roman shifted his arm. “Does that work better?”

“For me, yes.” Logan looked up at him. “I think the water is now dripping down your neck.”

“I don’t mind,” Roman lied, ignoring the sensation of cold water in his collar.

“Here, let me adjust it.” Logan stopped walking and reached for the umbrella handle. “If we both stand under the dome, we won’t get wet.”

Roman laughed. “Is there an equation for that?”

“I’m hardly going to etch it into the grass, am I?” Logan moved forward and pulled the umbrella off-center. “No, that’s worse. Stay still--”

Roman had no trouble with staying still, because he had just realized he was inches from Logan, one arm around his shoulders. He could lean forward and hug him, or tap his nose, or--kiss him. Yeah. That was what people did when they were close to people they liked.

The rain drummed on the umbrella as Logan adjusted it, fully focused. Kissing in the rain. That was definitely what people did. A romantic gesture.

Roman took a deep breath.

“Logan?” he asked.

Logan’s hands stilled on the umbrella handle. “Yes?”

“I--” Roman laughed a bit. “Your hair is damp.”

“Oh.” Logan batted at it, and only managed to flatten it further out of position. “That’s disappointing.”

“It looks cute,” Roman said.

And Logan flushed, just a bit.

That was enough of a go-ahead.

“You know what people do in the rain,” Roman said. He tried to sound a bit joking, but not too joking, and ended up squarely in awkward.

“I do?”

“Uh.” Roman steeled his nerves. “They kiss. It’s romantic.”

Logan blinked at him. “Oh. How is that relevant--”

Roman made a small, meaningless hand motion.

Logan’s mouth formed a small o.

For a second, it was quiet, the rain drumming on the umbrella.

“I mean,” Roman said, deciding to dig his hole deeper and bury himself, “most people do it in the rain. Like, all wet. There aren’t usually umbrellas involved.”

Logan looked affronted. “I’m not kissing you in the rain! We’ll catch our death!”

“We’ll just get a bit damp.”

“Absolutely not,” Logan said firmly. “I am not going out from under this umbrella, and I am not kissing you in the rain.”

“Okay, fine,” Roman said, cursing every word that left his mouth. “But what’s the verdict on kissing in general?”

Logan blinked again. Roman wondered if he’d attempt to ignore the situation again, or steal his umbrella and run. He hoped not. He liked this umbrella.

“I...” Logan let out a long breath. “I am not kissing you. Rain or otherwise.”

“Oh,” Roman said.

“I’m sorry,” Logan added quickly, and he did look sorry. “I hoped you would leave it alone, but it seems really important to you, and I’m sorry. I’m just not--interested.”

“In...me?” Roman swallowed. He was not going to cry. “You’re not interested in me.”

“No--” Logan started. “I mean, yes, but--” He stopped, looking frustrated. “I’m not interested in that. Kissing. Or rain. Or--romantic things like that.”

Roman’s eyes widened. He hadn’t expected that turn of events. “You aren’t?”

Logan shook his head. “I’m aromantic. I’m not interested in a romantic relationship with anyone. Well, actually, some aromantic people do pursue romantic relationships. More accurately, I don’t experience romantic attraction.”

“You can do that?”

Logan raised an eyebrow and gave Roman a look that told him he was on extremely thin ice. “Yes.”

“I mean, that’s really cool!” Roman said quickly. “And makes a lot of sense. I just didn’t realize that was a thing.”

“Yes, it’s a ‘thing,’” Logan said. “You can doubtless find more online.”

“Huh,” Roman said. Things began to make a bit more sense. “Oh, gosh, I’m incredibly sorry for flirting with you! I didn’t realize--”

“It’s fine.” Logan paused and coughed a bit into his hand. “I-didn’t-mind-that-much.”

“What?”

“I--” Logan looked embarrassed. “I didn’t mind. It was...nice.”

“Really?” Roman asked. “But you said you didn’t like romantic stuff--”

“You were only complimenting me!” Logan said. “You said I was--cute. I enjoyed it. I only ignored it because I knew you meant it in a romantic sense, and I didn’t want to lead you on.”

Roman stared at him. Now things made more and less sense. “You didn’t mind it when I called you cute, though?”

Logan stared at his feet. The rain drummed around them.

“You hadn’t heard of aromantic,” Logan finally said, “so I doubt you’ve heard of this, either. But--the word is queerplatonic. And it’s, um--” Logan waved a hand. He was definitely blushing. It was completely adorable. “Even though some aromantic people don’t experience romantic attraction, they still have queerplatonic partners. For me, it’s like--I don’t want to kiss anyone, or do many traditionally romantic things, but--”

Roman nodded, making a mental note to do a lot of research. And also to hug Logan, when they were less wet, because he’d just fully comprehended that Logan had come out. That took bravery! And Roman was a bit honored that Logan trusted him enough to share.

“But I still like people,” Logan said. “In a--non-platonic way. I want to spend time with them, hold hands...” His voice trailed off. “Call them cute,” he finally said, barely loud enough for Roman to hear.

“Oh,” Roman said, again, because he didn’t have anything else to say.

“And I like you.” Logan looked up at him. “I do, Roman, a lot. Just--not in the way you were hoping. I don’t mind kisses on the cheek, but I’m never going to kiss you in the rain, and I would never be a romantic partner.”

The rain was still steady. Roman was pretty sure his arm was outside the umbrella, since it was getting drenched, but he didn’t care.

“So I apologize,” Logan said. “For that, and for all the miscommunication, because I should have told you instead of--letting it happen.”

Letting it happen. Because Logan liked it, he appreciated it, he might have even become flustered--Roman called him cute, and Logan liked it.

And Roman should have been heartbroken, or at least disappointed. His crush didn’t reciprocate his feelings! Roman liked Logan romantically, and Logan didn’t return that. No romantic flowers or lucky fountains or kisses in the rain. Just another thing that real life lacked.

The rain soaked slowly through Roman’s sleeve. Logan was probably right, anyway. Kissing in the rain would be cold and not fun at all. Roman couldn’t imagine why anyone would want to--

Wait.

Was the rain the issue? Or was it something else?

Roman stared at Logan. His lab partner. Logan was cute and adorable and smart and incredibly sweet, and Roman liked him a lot, and Roman wanted to--

Roman wanted to what?

Kiss him on the cheek. Hold his hand. Watch him ramble. Compliment him and see him blush. Maybe spend time together at coffee shops, or get him a present for his birthday, or even live together at some point--be together.

And that was all romantic. Obviously.

Wasn’t it?

Roman mentally ran through all his daydreams about Logan. Lots of hand holding. Leaning his shoulder into Logan’s. Hugging, or cuddling, or dropping a kiss on the top of his head.

Nowhere on that list was a kiss on the lips. Or a romantic date. Spending time together, sure, but it was different, it was--

Oh.

Huh.

“Aromantic,” Roman blurted out. “That was the word, right?”

“Um--” Logan looked a bit surprised. Roman realized he must have been standing there for several minutes, completely silent. “Yes.”

“So it’s people that don’t experience romantic attraction,” Roman continued. “Do--is it possible for them to kind of want romance anyway? Or think they do?”

“I don’t,” Logan said, “if that’s what you’re asking--”

“No, I’m--” Roman blew out a breath. “I’m trying to figure something out.”

Logan watched him carefully, but nodded. “Yes, some people enjoy romantic activities while not experiencing romantic attraction. Or their romantic attraction may be partial or fluctuate--it’s a spectrum--or they could simply believe they need to do traditionally romantic things, because of society’s focus on romantic love.”

Roman nodded very rapidly. "Cool. So cool. Cool-cool-cool.”

“Are you...” Logan looked confused. “Alright?”

“Yes? Maybe?” Roman laughed a bit wildly. “I am really not sure. Can you give me a second?”

“Okay?”

“Okay.” Roman took a deep breath. Logan was still watching him, glasses flecked with drops of rain. Logan was a good friend. They’d be friends no matter what, and that wasn’t less than anything. Roman could happily love him as a friend.

Friends didn’t daydream about making each other smile.

Friends didn’t want to kiss each other--on the cheek, on the nose, in rain or not. And--and not on the lips. Not really at all.

Roman knew how love worked. He’d seen the movies. Fall in love, kiss, get married, ride into the sunset. That was how everyone did it. That was what he was supposed to want.

But movies also had dragons and lucky fountains and princes. None of those things were quite the same in real life. In real life, kisses in the rain were just soggy and cold and entirely un-romantic.

In real life, Roman didn’t want to kiss someone in the rain.

Or someone outside of it, either.

True love. Roman always knew what true love looked like. But maybe he didn’t understand love as well as he thought.

Maybe things worked a little bit differently in real life.

And maybe--that was okay.

“Uh,” Roman said eloquently. “You were saying something about--queerplatonic?”

“Yes?” Logan asked. “Why?”

“Uh,” Roman said again. “So, like--partners. Together. But not, like, dating.”

“Yes.” Logan’s expression tightened. “Roman, you don’t have to--if that’s not what you’d like, it wouldn’t work--”

“It is, though.” It felt like a dragon-sized weight had flown off his shoulders. “It is--I don’t think I ever wanted that stuff, everyone just told me I did, and I--I just kinda want to be with you. I don’t know if that makes me aromantic or what, and I can probably figure that part out at some point, but--yeah. I...like calling you cute, because you are. I like studying with you. And I like being with you. Rain or otherwise.”

Logan watched him with wide eyes. “You’re--serious?”

“Yeah!” Roman beamed. “You just, like, made my entire life make sense, which is kind of terrifying but also very cool and everything is different now and I still really like you.”

“Oh,” Logan said, quietly. “Oh,” he said again.

“So, uh--” Roman’s confidence fizzled a bit. “I dunno. But--would you be interested in going out to eat? Or doing something together on our own? Like--a queerplatonic date?”

“Oh,” Logan said a third time. He was blushing violently. “Er--yes, if you’d be amiable to it, I’d enjoy--”

“Yes!” Roman cheered loudly. “Thank you!”

“You’re welcome.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “It sounds...nice.”

“It really does, doesn’t it?” Roman smiled at him and adjusted the umbrella. “We should talk about this more, of course, but it’s still raining and you have places to be.”

“Oh! Right!” Logan huffed. “We’ve been standing together in the quad like a pair of fools.”

“A pair of fools basically sums us up,” Roman agreed. “A pair of fools in love,” he added in a sing-song voice.

“Hey,” Logan complained, blushing again.

“So cute,” Roman said. “You adorable nerd, and I can say that to you now, holy Hera--”

 “You certainly can,” Logan said, attempting to cover his face. “Congratulations.”

“Aww, no, come on!” Roman gently tugged Logan’s arms away from his face. “There you are!”

Logan wrinkled his nose. And on impulse, Roman leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead.

Logan’s squeak was the most adorable thing Roman had ever heard. He leaned back into place and gave Logan a second to compose himself.

“You know, I think I was right,” Roman said after Logan finally stopped malfunctioning. “Kissing in the rain is pretty fun after all!”

“Shut up,” Logan said. “And you said most people don’t do it under umbrellas.”

“You said we’d get cold!” Roman smiled at him. “Besides, I think I’m allowed to rewrite the story a bit.”

Logan smiled back. “If you’d like to.”

“I’d definitely like to,” Roman said, pulling Logan closer and holding the umbrella above them. “‘Cause this way, I feel like I’m doing it right.”

Give me a prompt, and I’ll write a short drabble!

#logince #roman sanders #logan sanders #sanders sides #queerplatonic logince #me: okay no more long fics only short and sweet #me: promptly writes a confession fic #anyway welcome back to 'avery writes qprs by projecting their relationship with their partner onto the characters' #like shhh my qpp is lovely and makes for very good inspiration #asks and answers #anon #averywrites #(also yes this is all going super slow i apologize i have to eat now but i will write more prompts soon i promise)

[monotonous-minutia]

It’s here! The ridiculously long (about 9 pages on Word) and totally unnecessary literary analysis of the absolute gayness of one of my favorite operas!

you guessed it: Les contes d’Hoffmann. I spent way too many hours over the past months writing this thing.

I just think of all of this altogether too much so I decided to just write it all down in one place like the lit crit nerd I am.

As I’ve mentioned before, there is a LOT of evidence in Les contes d’Hoffmann that the two main characters (the titular Hoffmann and his friend Nicklausse, aka the Muse) are absolutely an item. To the point where I honestly can’t understand how a director can look at this opera and think “oh that’s not gay” and proceed to stage it as if it’s not. It is SO GAY. I can only imagine that directors who stage this differently are deliberately trying to specifically remove the gay content (e.g., taking out the Violin Aria, messing with edits, doing weird things with the productions that I won’t get into lest I fall into a rant and forget what I’m here to talk about).

For some, the only way to acknowledge that Nicklausse and Hoffmann are an item is it ignore the Nicklausse part and have the Muse be a girl for the entire opera. Because, well, we can maybe admit to the romance, but at least it’s not gay, right?

Well, no.

Often, we get a strange dynamic where productions can’t seem to decide how to mitigate the gayness. Is Nicklausse a girl so there’s no gay with Hoffmann? But what about when he’s flirting with Giulietta (and come on, it’s really hard to stage the Barcarolle, which is basically a love song, without Nicklausse at least vaguely flirting with Giulietta and vice versa, because they’re singing it together). How is that not gay if you insist Nicklausse is a girl? There’s no way to get around it.

No matter how you spin it, it’s gonna be gay. And like I said, if a production tries to insist otherwise, it’s specifically to push back against The Gay. That usually fails miserably for two reasons. One, those productions are garbage, I don’t care who the director is and how fabulous the rest of their work might be. And two, by trying their hardest to get rid of the gay, they are flat-out admitting that it is there. If it wasn’t so blatantly obviously gay, people wouldn’t try so hard to prove that it isn’t.

On another note, it’s pretty obvious that the character of Nicklausse/the Muse is genderfluid. The Muse introduces herself in feminine terms in the Prologue (and Muses are typically associated with femininity), but navigates the majority of the opera identifying as Nicklausse, who’s a man. Ironically productions that try to lessen The Gay get stuck on this because if Nicklausse is definitively a feminine Muse, she’s gonna be gay with Giulietta, in which case the only way to avoid that is to say that isn’t gay because Nicklausse is a man, and, well, whoops, you just admitted the character is genderfluid.

Like I said, there’s no way around it.

I feel like even this super-vague analysis should be enough to convince people. But, because it’s not lit crit if we don’t get all in-depth and nerdy, and because it’s really fun, I’m going to plumb the depths of my research and analysis and share with you this 4,000-word essay proving that yes, indeed, Nicklausse is genderfluid; and yes, indeed, he and Hoffmann are a couple, and a very gay one at that.

Let’s begin.

(Note: the following contains a lot of references to outside sources and I’m just too lazy to properly cite them especially because I just spent the last three years of my life doing that for all my research papers and it sucks. But if anyone is curious and wants to know where specific pieces of information come from, let me know.)

Nicklausse is genderfluid.

This honestly seems like a no-brainer. The dictionary definition of genderfluid is “of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity is not fixed,” so the fact that the character spends part of the opera in a feminine form (the Muse) and part of the opera in a masculine form (Nicklausse) is pretty much the definition of gender-fluid since the character’s gender identity is not fixed. Yeah, maybe the Muse is just in drag for the night, but either way, they’re obviously extremely comfortable in the masculine form so it seems more than likely it’s something they’ve done many times before and are not only okay with but very used to. There’s debate as to how much time, exactly, the Muse spends with Hoffmann as Nicklausse, or even whether Nicklausse is a real person or has been the Muse all along. The solution to this could affect the way the character is or is not defined as genderfluid, but the fact that there is no way to tell what the answer is—because the authors deliberately left that ambiguous—renders it a moot point. We could argue back and forth about that all day and never come to a conclusion because there isn’t one. At the end of the day all we can agree on is that the Muse is acting as Nicklausse the night Hoffmann tells the stories, and likely has done so before.

There is other, non-textual evidence that backs up the concept of Nicklausse as genderfluid. The biggest one is that Barbier and Carré were not strangers to the idea of gender fluidity in their work. About 14 years before Hoffmann premiered, another work from these two hit the stage: Ambroise Thomas’s opera Mignon. The titular character is, for all intents and purposes, genderfluid, presenting as both male and female throughout the course of the opera and seeming comfortable in both roles. Even earlier than that, the two of them translated da Ponte’s libretto for Le nozze di Figaro into French for the Paris Théâtre Lyrique. Anyone who knows this opera knows the multiple levels of gender-bending that occur here and the extremely meta exploration of gender primarily through the portrayal of Cherubino, a boy, who is played by a woman and frequently dresses up as a girl. You can hardly talk about Nozze without acknowledging the genderfluidity it contains. So, before writing the libretto for Hoffmann, Barbier and Carré had worked with at least two other stories dealing with canonical genderfluidity. It’s not much of a stretch, then, to say that they were deliberate in their portrayal of the Muse/Nicklausse as a genderfluid being.

That being settled, on to the next point:

Hoffmann and Nicklausse are a couple.

You wouldn’t think so watching the way most Hoffmanns treat Nicklausse onstage, but there’s a lot of textual evidence that supports this claim. There are multiple facets of Hoffmann and Nicklausse’s relationship that indicate they are, at least in some sense, an item, even if Hoffmann doesn’t always acknowledge it.

We still don’t know if the Nicklausse we see in the tavern has been Nicklausse all along, or if he’s taking on the position of someone who’s actually been hanging out with Hoffmann all this time. That doesn’t necessarily mess up the analysis, though, because: if the Muse has been Nicklausse all along, then all of the evidence in Hoffmann’s stories is true (as “true” as they can be, being a result of Hoffmann’s drunken storytelling) of the person who is sitting next to him in the tavern right now. If, however, the real Nicklausse is absent, Hoffmann is still admitting the extent of the relationship to the Muse/Nicklausse who’s in the tavern tonight. We know this because Hoffmann is presumably making these stories up since it’s revealed at the end all these “loves” are manifestations of the real-life Stella. In which case, it is Hoffmann who is describing all of these things about Nicklausse that indicate they are in a relationship, consciously or unconsciously admitting that they are an item. Since the Nicklausse who is sitting with him during the storytelling is also the Muse, it’s not really a stretch to assume Hoffmann is talking about them during the telling, even if there is a “real” Nicklausse who’s absent tonight, because Hoffmann is taking details from things in the immediate vicinity to tell these stories tonight.

Now on to some more specific details:

They are a packaged deal. Before Hoffmann enters the tavern, Luther announces his arrival, adding that Nicklausse is with him (“Messieurs, il ouvre la porte,/Et Niklausse est avec lui!”). No one questions this or asks who Nicklausse is. They are all used to the idea of Nicklausse coming along with Hoffmann, so it clearly happens on a regular basis.

It’s also clear that Hoffmann is much closer to Nicklausse than he is to anyone else in the tavern. And that’s probably saying something, as it’s clear the friends at the tavern know a lot about him: they are familiar with his many different stories; they look forward to seeing him and hearing his tales; they know he enjoys singing, and convince him to do so to cheer him up; they tease him; they ask him personal questions; and they know his schedule well enough to notice when he’s late coming to the tavern. So, Hoffmann clearly has a lot of people here who know and care about him—but none nearly to the extent that Nicklausse does, as we will see. That indicates his relationship with Nicklausse is much more intimate.

Here are some examples:

When Hoffmann and Lindorf are facing off in their insult duet, before they can get too far, Nicklausse intervenes with a metaphor about shepherds and their girlfriends, distracting them before they come to blows. The others in the tavern join in, but no one else was motivated to stop the fight. Nicklausse was the only one who cared enough to break it up.

When describing his role in the stories that are to come, Hoffmann says Nicklausse takes the prize for common sense; he thinks highly of Nicklausse’s perceptions and opinions, even if he doesn’t always show it.

HOFFMANN Tu m'auras sans doute compris, O toi qui dans ce drame où mon cœur se consume Du bon sens emportas le prix!

At the beginning of Act I (Olympia), Nicklausse makes several statements that indicate he knows Hoffmann extremely well. Upon his entry, he exclaims “J'étais bien sûr de te trouver ici!” (“I knew I would find you here!”) He is familiar with Hoffmann’s usual haunts and knows exactly where to look for him. Further, he already knows about Olympia; when Hoffmann shushes him after his entrance, Nicklausse asks, “C'est là que respire la belle Olympia?” (“Is there where the beautiful Olympia is?”) He teases Hoffmann about being in love with her, so Hoffmann has obviously told Nicklausse all about her. Given no one else in the tavern knew anything about Hoffmann’s love life, we can assume he only talks about things like this to people he’s particularly close to.

Further, when Nicklausse is trying to get Hoffmann to reach out to Olympia before proclaiming his undying love, we have this exchange:

NICKLAUSSE Alors, chante, morbleu! pour sortir d'un tel pas! (Then sing to her, for heaven’s sake, if there is no alternative!) HOFFMANN Monsieur Spalanzani n'aime pas la musique. (Mr. Spalanzani doesn’t like music.) NICKLAUSSE Oui, je sais! Tout pour la physique! ... (Yes, I know! Science is everything!)

So not only had Hoffmann told Nicklausse about Olympia, he has also told him about Spalanzani’s obsession with science and aversion to music. Which means Hoffmann very likely talks to Nicklausse a lot about his studies and his intention to pursue a science education.

Out of all the names and titles Hoffmann is given in the tavern—poet, writer, artist, drunk—no one mentions the fact that he is a student. It might be because the group consists almost entirely of students, so it’s a given; but it might also be that, in addition to not discussing his love life with his friends, he also does not talk to them about his studies. Once again, this indicates that he is much closer to Nicklausse than anyone else in the tavern.

Nicklausse also knows the best ways to interact with Hoffmann. After Nicklausse sings his song and Hoffmann brushes him off, Coppélius enters and tries to get Hoffmann’s attention. However, Hoffmann does not respond, to which Nicklausse replies “Voilà le seul moyen d'être entendu!” (“There is only one way to be heard/get his attention”). Then we get the stage direction “il frappe doucement, puis plus fort sur l'épaule d'Hoffmann” (“he hits softly, then harder on Hoffmann's shoulder”). It works; Hoffmann turns and asks him what he needs. This is a very particular way to get someone’s attention. The fact that Nicklausse knows it means he gets Hoffmann’s attention a lot, and knows him well enough to understand the ways in which Hoffmann needs people to interact with him. This once again indicates a more intimate relationship, as no one else in the opera expresses having this kind of knowledge.

In less specific examples, Nicklausse spends a great deal of this act teasing Hoffmann about his love for Olympia. However, Hoffmann doesn’t seem annoyed or put off by his behavior. He goes to Nicklausse repeatedly to make sure he stays involved in the action. He’s used to Nicklausse’s banter, but it doesn’t annoy him enough to keep him away. He’s too attached to him to let the teasing get to his head.

Though Nicklausse does leave with the other guests so Hoffmann can be alone with Olympia, he returns much sooner than any of the others, looking for Hoffmann and asking “Veux-tu qu'on se grise sans toi?” (“Do you want us to get drunk without you?”) Apparently the party isn’t nearly as fun as it would be if Hoffmann were there with him. He misses Hoffmann and wants him to come join him. Then, he tries to warn Hoffmann that Olympia isn’t what she seems, and that he should be careful. When Hoffmann doesn’t respond to that, Nicklausse suggests he come to the ball and dance with Olympia—anything to get him to come to the party.

When Hoffmann does begin to dance with Olympia, she goes out of control. Nicklausse intervenes, afraid for Hoffmann’s life; in the process he gets knocked over himself, but continues to focus on Hoffmann’s well-being (while no one bothers to check in with Nicklausse). (This is rarely staged but it’s in every version of the libretto I’ve read.)

Finally, when everyone else is laughing at Hoffmann for falling in love with a robot, Nicklausse goes to him and tries to comfort him among the madness.

In Act II (Antonia), we obviously get the Violin Aria, which I wrote a really long thing about earlier. In short, it is clearly a love song, and since he’s singing it to Hoffmann, what’s really left to be said? That alone should be enough to convince folks that there are romantic implications (to say the least) between Nicklausse and Hoffmann. I’m at a loss as to how anyone could come up with any other reason Nicklausse would sing that song. “Love victorious”? “Poet, give your heart”? What else could he possibly be talking about?

Unlike almost every other number in the opera, the Violin Aria has no precedent in the play. It’s only here now because we have the Muse doubling as Nicklausse, singing a love song to Hoffmann. Though he spends a great deal of the opera discouraging Hoffmann from pursuing the objects of his affections, he’s not against the idea of Hoffmann being in love. He’s against the idea of Hoffmann being in love with anyone who isn’t him.

Of course, this song is sometimes (often) cut. There’s more evidence that it’s supposed to be there than evidence against, though (according to a bunch of people’s research), so edits that exclude it are probably trying to lessen The Gay as much as they can. I don’t see any other reason for taking it out.

In addition to that, though, in the dialogue version of the libretto, Nicklausse gets a paragraph or so describing just how long (six months) and hard they have been looking for Antonia. You’d have to be pretty devoted to someone to follow them around for six months helping them look for the supposed love of their life. And on Hoffmann’s end, you’d have to like someone quite a bit to have them around you nonstop for six months, and feel extremely close to them to be able to expect that kind of devotion from them.

In addition, Nicklausse once again risks his own safety in order to save Hoffmann (though this is also rarely staged). When Crespel goes after Hoffmann with a knife at the end of this act, Nicklausse literally throws himself between Hoffmann and the knife. Y’all, if that’s not devotion, I don’t know what is.

Act III (Giulietta) is much more complicated because there are just so many versions of it. Of course there’s Kaye’s edit which is heralded by many is definitive and I’ll admit his research seems pretty sound so I’ll allow that to stand (because obviously I have the authority to have any kind of say in the matter). However there are several things from previous edits that Kaye takes out that also contribute to this discussion, so I’ll be referring to them as well.

First off, we get this line here which I’ve seen exactly once out of (n) productions:

GIULIETTA (se tournant vers Nicklausse) Et son ami! Pardon, Pylade or Pollux?

Giulietta is introducing Hoffmann to her company, and of course wherever Hoffmann goes, Nicklausse is as well, and since they’re a packaged deal, Giulietta introduces him as well, immediately after. And not only that, it’s precisely what she calls him that really drives the point home.

“Forgive me, was it Pylades or Pollux?”

I wrote a thing about this too. Here I’ll say:

Pollux refers to Castor and Pollux, who are typically used as a symbol of platonic affection between men, since they’re half-brothers. However, Pylades and Orestes are a different story. As I mentioned in the other post, if you’re familiar with Greek mythology discourse, you’ll know that most people agree there’s more to the relationship between Orestes and Pylades than a little bromance. So Giulietta is clearly suggesting something here when she refers to Nicklausse in these terms. It’s almost like she’s asking the question: “Are you two bros or are you romantically involved?” The fact that neither Hoffmann nor Nicklausse attempt to address that point seems significant to me. Nicklausse simply introduces himself, neither confirming nor denying the implications Giulietta is making about his relationship with Hoffmann. Nor does Hoffmann make a comment. If they didn’t want people thinking of them as a couple, one of them would have probably spoken up, but neither do.

In some Oeser-based edits we get an extended gambling scene, during which Giulietta serenades the guests, Hoffmann is distracted by her, Dapertutto gets some side dialogue, Schlémil acts shady, Pitichinaccio has some fun, the chorus gets philosophical, and Nicklausse tries to convince Hoffmann not to gamble away all their money. (Even if the extended scene isn’t included, Nicklausse gets a line to this effect in many versions of the libretto.)

Their money. Throughout, Nicklausse isn’t just worried about Hoffmann throwing away his own life savings. He’s worried because, despite the fact that he himself is not involved in the game (until Hoffmann makes him take his cards so he can go be with Giulietta), Nicklausse’s funds are at stake here too. I don’t know all the historical intricacies of finance at the time, but it sounds to me like the equivalent of these two having a joint bank account. You don’t share a joint bank account with just anyone. If Nicklausse and Hoffmann’s funds are collective to the point that Hoffmann losing money means Nicklausse is losing money too, the two of them are clearly financially dependent on each other, and if that doesn’t scream domesticity, I don’t know what does. I almost feel like the entire argument could ride on this alone.

The rest of the act is all over the place in terms of the order of events and even if some or others happen at all. The one most of us are probably used to honestly doesn’t have much Nicklausse material after the Barcarolle and his spat with Hoffmann, but others have more—like the conversation with Giulietta and the gambling scene described above. One of the most significant, which is based on a similar scene from the original play, concerns Nicklausse trying to get Hoffmann to leave with him, begging him to leave Giulietta behind, telling him this place is sketchy AF and they should leave before someone tries to steal their souls (which, incidentally, is pretty much exactly what happens). Eventually he gives up and goes to find a means of transportation (usually horses) and someone to help him physically remove Hoffmann so they can finally get out of there. After that, we only see him when he returns after Hoffmann gets his reflection taken; sometimes he doesn’t say much, sometimes he laments their fate, sometimes he finally does get around to dragging Hoffmann away once Hoffmann finally gives up, rescuing him yet again as they escape just before the police come looking for Schlémil’s murderer.

An interesting side note: In one performance I saw, Nicklausse tries to go after Hoffmann when Hoffmann goes with Giulietta, but is held back by Pitichinaccio (who then attempts to give him a poisoned drink, similar to an event in the original play). I also found a libretto and an album where a similar event occurs, except it’s Dapertutto who pulls Nicklausse away and makes him go back to the room where everyone else is still playing cards. In both cases he was able to return to Hoffmann right after Giulietta steals Hoffmann’s reflection. This bit isn’t included in any of the critical editions as far as I can tell, but it’s an interesting event, Nicklausse trying to go after Hoffmann to protect him (yet again) but being prevented by one of the villains. And, because Nicklausse isn’t there to help him, Hoffmann does get hurt this time (Giulietta steals his reflection). The one time Nicklausse is prevented from helping Hoffmann, Hoffmann winds up in a whole lot of trouble.

The epilogue is pretty self-explanatory, I feel.  Nicklausse doesn’t get too many lines, but his altercation with Hoffmann is pretty significant. Nicklausse makes the connection between the three ladies in his stories and the real-life Stella, joking that they should make a toast to the lady. Hoffmann yells at him, basically telling him “shut up or I’ll slap you” (and in some productions I’ve seen, he actually does get slapped). Nicklausse is definitely offended by this.

NICKLAUSSE se levant Ah! je comprends! trois drames dans un drame Olympia ... Antonia ... Giulietta ... Ne sont qu'une même femme: La Stella! LE CHŒUR La Stella! NICKLAUSSE Buvons à cette honnête dame! HOFFMANN furieux, brisant son verre Un mot de plus et sur mon âme Je te brise comme ceci! ...

NICKLAUSSE Moi, ton mentor? Merci! ...

This isn’t the kind of fight you have with an acquaintance. Banter like this, that borders on threats and insults, typically happen between people who are very close and have a lot of history. Nicklausse is trying to draw attention to Hoffmann’s failed loves, comparing them to Stella, to point out how futile it is for him to continue to pursue this siren. It’s about time Hoffmann notices him. Hoffmann, on the other hand, is furious at Nicklausse for revealing the fallacy in his tales. Saying “I’ll break you” is a pretty savage way to respond; Hoffmann feels betrayed by Nicklausse. He’s also pretty drunk. Either way, it’s clear his reaction stems from the closeness he feels with Nicklausse; upset that his “mentor” and confidante would reveal him like that.

After this, Nicklausse usually ducks away, though some edits give him the line “Il faut se décider!” (“You need to decide!”) as Stella enters. He’s giving Hoffmann the final choice, the one he delineated in the Prologue:

Il faut en cette heure fatale qu'il choisisse entre nos amours, qu'il appartienne à ma rivale ou qu'il soit à moi pour toujours!

(In this fatal hour he must choose between our loves; he will belong to my rival or be mine forever!)

Hoffmann is too drunk to recognize Stella, and she leaves him to go with Lindorf. The students leave as well, and Hoffmann is alone—until Nicklausse returns (or maybe he never left, depending on how it’s staged), revealing their identity as the Muse. Again, it’s unclear if they were Nicklausse all along, or just borrowing the identity for the night. Either way, the character that we’ve spent the last two and a half hours with (or longer depending on the edit)—the one who, as the last six pages will attest, is almost definitely Hoffmann’s boyfriend—is here declaring their love for Hoffmann. In some versions they literally say “I love you!”

Je t'aime, Hoffmann: confie-toi à moi! fie-toi à moi!

(Interestingly, when this line is included, it is spoken under the name “Nicklausse,” before their transformation back into the Muse. To me, that’s a decent indicator that Nicklausse has been the Muse all along, even before the events of tonight.)

We don’t know exactly what’s going to happen next, and what precisely we assume will happen once again depends on the Muse’s status as the actual Nicklausse in Hoffmann’s life or imagining. I haven’t seen any two productions (save revivals of the same production) that stage the ending in the exact same way. There’s a lot of ways to interpret it.

But after all this, I’d venture it’s pretty safe to say the ones where Hoffmann and the Muse get together at the end are accurate.

#aaaaaan there you have it #have i reached peak nerd level yet? #Les contes d'Hoffmann #The Tales of Hoffmann #literary criticism #literature analyisis #character analysis #opera #opera analysis #opera tag #also none of these translations are mine i got them all from libretti and subtitles #i may have this opera memorized but that doesn't mean i can translate haha

[eternaldarknessstuff]

Spideychelle soulmate au Part 1

Ok. So, the timeline is a little off because I wanted MJ to have no clue about Spidey but she’s way too smart for that, so Peter just became Spidey, and MJ, Ned, and Peter became BFF’s earlier than in the movies. ALSO Endgame did happen, but nobody dies, and anything that takes place after it doesn’t happen. Civil War was also different bc Pepper was more involved and made them all talk it out like adults so they are all happy and living in Avengers tower because I am a slut for found family. Also, the soulmate thing is - you lose something your soulmate gets it. Also, in life threatening situations they can feel each others pain to an extent.

    MJ had known since eighth grade that the cute nerdy guy who couldn’t keep his voice down while talking to his best friend was her soulmate. He had a habit of losing pens and notebooks, all of which seemed to be labeled with his name. MJ had grown used to dropping them behind her in the school hallway, or throwing them off her apartment balcony when at home.

    She had only ever lost generic things, hair ties and bobby pins being the most frequent. Then, she had actually become friends with the nerd, and found that she treasured their friendship despite all efforts to remain aloof and by herself.

    After she had found the third backpack next to her, she had planned to approach Peter at school, tell him about all the items he had lost and how they were soulmates, and then, Spider-Man’s mask appeared next to the bag, and MJ froze. 

    She prided herself on knowing everything about everyone, but she hadn’t even considered this to be a possibility. With a little more time, she probably would have figured it out, but Spider-Man had only appeared on the streets a few weeks ago. 

She promptly lost the mask and forgot about it.

***

MJ had continued to re-lose things, rolling her eyes at how much Peter could lose, while beginning to drop subtle hints that she was his soulmate and she knew who he was. After Iron-Man had gotten involved, there had been a stretch of a few weeks where MJ didn’t receive anything new, and then, New York city happened, Peter had asked Liz to prom, and then, the  Vulture. MJ had monitored her soulmate with bated breath, ready to re-lose anything he lost and save him. 

She had felt the crushing weight of the building on her chest, slipping out of prom and into the library, where she heard Ned being questioned, and she let a hair tie fall from around her wrist as Ned was dragged out. Then, the weight was gone, and MJ felt like she could cry, because Peter was alive! Peter had made it and he was safe, but he wasn’t really, because then MJ could feel scorching heat and terror filling their bond, before everything was gone, and she forced herself to go home.

Liz had left, moving to a new school where everybody didn’t know her dad was a supervillain, and Peter had grown distant, dropping out of activity's because of his ‘Stark Internship,’ which MJ new was code for Spidermanning or two oblivious idiots hanging out and pretending they weren’t father and son. Honestly, MJ had never seen the two together in person, she had only collected bits and pieces of the story from things Peter had lost, and she already new that Stark considered the nerd his son.

Their freshman year had finished, and they were a month into their sophtmore year when Peter had approached MJ, his hands shaking slightly, and his voice cracked as he invited her over after school. She ahd asked if Ned was coming, and he had shook his head, before taking off, and avoiding her for the rest of the day.

That night, he told her about Spider-Man in hushed whispers, and MJ laughed, telling him she had figured it out a while ago. She considered telling him they were soulmates, until Peter started crying, and she decided to wait a little while. She definitely wasn’t scared though. 

She met Tony Stark a month later, while using the key she had ‘borrowed’ from Peter to get into the apartment, her moms last fight with her grandma ringing in her ears. She was prepared for a May hug and a Star Wars marathon with the two nerds, what she wasn’t prepared for however, was the billionaire sitting on May’s old worn couch, which still had the memories of every time they had sat there, the chili spill from the first time MJ had been over, the coffee spill from the all nighter before midterms, and the tear from where Peter had gotten stuck to the couch while telling May about his nighttime activities.

“Stark,” she greeted, raising an eyebrow as the billionaire startled at her presence. 

“You’re the scary one, right?” Tony asked, and MJ narrowed her eyes at him.

“Eat the rich,” she said, before striding past him and into Peters room where she waited for him to return. 

The first time she lost something identifying, Peter had disappeared into the sky with Stark, and MJ could feel anxiety coursing through their bond. She threw her sketchbook out the window of the bus. 

Then, a week had passed in a second, and she was right back where the bus had been, Ned and the majority of their classmates appearing beside her. Her sketchbook was beside her again, and she pushed the fear of Peter knowing aside, pushing herself to help with the cleanup the blip had caused. 

Peter never brought the sketchbook up. 

Their sophomore year ended, and junior year began. MJ was trying to figure out how to tell Peter they were soulmates, while Ned had found his own soulmate, Betty Brant. 

“Oh my god! We have to watch Spider-Man fight!” Someone shouted, and Harrington sighed, before caving and switching the power point to live footage of Spidey fighting aliens. 

“Come on Spidey, come on!” Ned was whispering, and MJ shared the sentiment. 

She glanced away from the screen for one moment, just the one moment it took for her to open her sketchbook to draw her soulmate. It shouldn’t have been enough time for anything to happen, but the classroom erupted into panicked shouts, and a pair of web-shooters appeared on MJ’s desk.

So the blip only happened for a week instead of five years, because the team worked together and Scott was discovered way sooner. Part two should be out tomorrow and I also have plans for the story from Peter’s POV. Lmk if you want to be added to the tag list for the next part!

#spideychelle #spideychelle fic #spiderman #peter x michelle #michelle jones #peter parker #irondad #only minor but its there #mj says eat the rich #mj jones #mj x peter #fanfic #soulmate au

[angeltannis]

Mechrogunner: A Headcanon Masterpost

@fudgeroach and I have been cookin’ this ship up for a bit now, and we’ve come up with a bunch of ideas for it that I’m finally ready to post!

Background for context: We both headcanon Moze as a he/him transmasc, so that’s how Moze will be referred to in this post.

So, Gaige and Moze.

How do they meet?

-Pretty simple – at the Wainlock wedding. Moze hasn’t been out just relaxing and having a good time in so long that he stays later than pretty much everyone else. When he’s finally ready to call it a night, he goes up to Hammerlock to let him know. Hammerlock casts a glance over at the bar, where Gaige is practically passed out on the counter by that point, and asks if Moze would be willing to check on her for him. Moze is like “Uhhh...okay...”, not really getting why Hammerlock himself couldn’t just check on her.

Hammerlock, of course, has an agenda, trying to set Gaige up with a friend her own age. He didn’t plan on it going much, much further than that, lol.

Moze sits awkwardly down beside her and is all business, just asking her bluntly if she’s all right. Gaige, flirty drunk that she is, immediately latches on to him, telling him he’s great and that she loves him. Moze internally is like 😳 but acknowledges it’s because she’s drunk. He stays with her for a while, keeping it light, talking about their respective robot BFFs and telling her a couple funny old army stories to keep her awake and with it until she sobers up a little.

Both of them are so lonely that by the end of the night they are definitely both nursing lil crushes, but Moze has thick walls around his heart after what happened to his squad mates, and he’s too traumatized to let anyone in at the moment. When they finally part ways that night, he assumes he’ll never see Gaige again.

Then he gets a text from an unfamiliar number. Turns out Gaige got his number from Hammerlock, and has ““questions about Iron Bear””. (She actually does have questions about Iron Bear because she’s a fucking nerd, but make no mistake, she is definitely interested in both mech AND pilot)

Moze hasn’t been in this kind of position in, well, ever, really. He’s not sure what to do. He really likes talking to Gaige, though – she's stunningly smart, wild and funny as hell. He’s never met a woman like her before. He may not have a clue what she’s talking about half the time, but he sure does love hearing her say it all.

Gaige, on the other hand, is immediately and blatantly smitten with Moze. She tends to develop crushes on pretty much anyone who pays her attention, but Moze was so sweet and gentle with her while she was embarrassingly drunk that Gaige finds herself thinking about him long after they part ways.

The dating stage:

Moze is terrified of opening back up to anybody, so he keeps Gaige at arm’s length even as their texting goes from occasional, to frequent, to most of the day every day. The other Raiders encourage Moze to ask Gaige on a date, but he’s nowhere near ready for that kind of commitment.

When Gaige asks him to bring Iron Bear to her lab-slash-hideout so she can “check him out”, he tells himself and everyone else that it’s just a friend thing.

It’s totally not a friend thing oh God

He’s hanging out in her garage (I imagine Gaige hides out in some craphole abandoned building somewhere and that her garage is also her lab, kitchen, bedroom, etc.), watching her eyes light up as she examines Iron Bear when he realizes he’s in too deep to get out. She pulls a whole-ass little measuring tape out of her hair at one point and he’s like Oh god, you’re adorable and has to bite his tongue to refrain from saying it out loud.

Deathtrap is just watching them, aware that something is up, but he doesn’t know enough about humans to know exactly what it is

The first time Moze feels comfortable enough to show up in something other than his freaking Ursa Corps uniform, he’s a little shy because he’s been chopping at his own hair and feels like a doofus. To his surprise, Gaige lights up and immediately starts complimenting his “punk” hairstyle. She lets her own hair out of the pigtails with a grin, showing that she hacks at her own hair as well. It’s all split ends and uneven layers, and Moze’s heart flutters just a bit as those bright green eyes are suddenly framed by a mess of bouncy orange hair.

While he’s hanging out with Gaige, Moze eventually comes out of his shell enough to start cracking little jokes and feeling a bit more at ease. He hasn’t felt this way since the last night he spent with his squad before Darzaran Bay. Gaige is just so easy to talk to, and she laughs at his jokes and doesn’t pry about his past. He doesn’t pry about hers, either, though he can glean from her current situation that something has clearly gone horribly wrong in her young life.

Gaige is afraid to let anyone into her life, either, since every person who knows her whereabouts is another potential source of danger to her (and to them). She finds herself wondering why this soldier is all alone without a squadron or a battalion or whatever terms the army uses. The faraway look Moze sometimes gets tells her there’s a long and painful story behind it.

It takes a loooooong time, probably close to a year or more, before either of them are ready to admit they’re not just visiting each other as friends multiple times a week. 

They’re sitting outside one evening watching the sunset when Gaige grows uncharacteristically serious. Moze assumes she’s going to confess to some awful crime or something, and his first reaction is “Okay I don’t know what you did but I forgive you and I’ll help you hide the body”. Gaige is like ??? Ok well I did kill somebody in the past but I was actually going to ask if I could kiss you?

Neither of them have ever really had a proper kiss before. They basically end up bonking their faces together like a couple of clueless dorks. It goes on to become a favorite inside joke between them, with the two of them frequently headbutting each other and then having a good, confusing-to-everyone-else laugh about it.

The relationship:

-Moze is self conscious about his height, but it turns out Gaige actually prefers it because then she doesn’t feel like such a shrimp herself. Short couple rights

-Still though, Moze likes to wear his chunkiest combat boots when they’re together together so they’re at least equal size. Eventually Gaige starts wearing her own old combat boots, though, so poor Moze can’t win lol

-They’re not real sappy out in public, but they’re always either holding hands or Moze has an arm loosely around Gaige’s waist (or vice versa which makes Moze go “NOO I’m supposed to be the one doing that!!” And Gaige is like “Muahaha, Feminism Babey >:D”)

-Gaige found out Moze has a corporate tattoo and since then his life has never known peace (she teases him about it relentlessly)

-Moze sends lovey-dovey memes and texts...exclusively in Russian. Forcing Gaige to put them through a translator helps put a little bit of distance between the words and his feelings, so he doesn’t feel quite so vulnerable...

…But then Gaige struggles to learn some basic Russian in secret, and the next time Moze says something corny she can actually understand it and responds in kind. Moze is floored

-Gaige is a ball of repressed horny nerdiness. Moze was never very sexual to begin with, and his trauma has basically turned him completely asexual. While at first Gaige was (inwardly) a bit disappointed, as time goes on she realizes she cares way more about Moze than she cares about getting laid.

She’s still a slut for cuddles, though – and luckily Moze is willing to provide. At first he insists on being the “big spoon” (more like the backpack), but it’s tough to resist being held by a pretty girl who covers you in kisses and takes the time to change into her non-spiked metal arm after that one time she forgot and almost got you in the eye with a spike

-Gaige sleeps in a bed that’s FULL of pillows and blankets and stuffed animals and anything soft and Moze, who is used to sleeping on a barren military cot if not just on the floor, is like “Oh God, I’m drowning”

All you see is his hand reaching desperately out of a pillow pile before it, too, is absorbed and he disappears completely

-Semi-related to the last bit: Gaige sleeps completely sprawled out in her bed while Moze curls up tight, taking up as little space as possible. Occasionally he gets grabbed like a stuffed animal and smushed up against Gaige’s chest in her sleep. He finds he actually likes being held while he sleeps. It helps keep away some of the nightmares.

-When eventually Gaige finds out what happened to Moze, she starts ranting about the military-industrial complex and corporate corruption and Moze is kinda 😥 because he was basically bottle-fed army propaganda since he was born, but it all makes sense, and the military did fuck him over, and maybe there’s so much more to this than he even realized…

-Finding out Gaige’s backstory, Moze is like “Psh, Marcie Halloway sounds like a cunt. I would’ve killed her ass, too.”

-Moze never allows anyone else to even look inside Iron Bear’s pilot seat because of all his private belongings (ie the photos and mementos he keeps of his old squad mates). Gaige never outright asks because she knows it’s personal, but one day Moze asks if she'd like to have a look inside and see if there’s any cool stuff she would want to build into Bear. Gaige realizes that’s a huge step in their relationship because of how much trust it requires on Moze’s part, and she is like !!! “Yes of COURSE”

-[Gaige voice] So when am I gonna get to be Mrs. Gaige Hayussinian Yan-Lun Al-Amir Andreyevna?

-Both of them will eat anything, so romantic dinners can consist of anything from actual gourmet food to “Want a bite of my fried ratch?” “Um, obviously?? Gimme-“

-Perks of dating someone your own size: You can easily wear each other’s clothes. Cue Moze showing up to Sanctuary in a spiked leather jacket with patches shittily ironed on all over it, and Gaige keeping warm in an Ursa Corps bomber jacket (that she covers with patches and stickers to hide the Vladof advertising)

-Gaige operating Moze’s Dakka Bear turret, wildly spraying bullets and screaming catch phrases while Moze is in the pilot seat like 🥰 You’re wasting all my ammo but god I love you

-Moze jumping into combat: All right, let’s do this shit *puts on his helmet with pink skulls and hearts and PROPERTY OF GAIGE 💜 spray painted all over it*

-Gaige is still worried about being caught by the cops, which can make dates a little difficult, but she’s admittedly a little more at ease now that she travels with a fifteen-ton mech and his dashing pilot.

#borderlands #bl3 #moze the gunner #gaige the mechromancer #mechrogunner #long post

[icedteaandoldlace]

So there’s this “101 Reasons to Ship Snowbarry” video that keeps coming up on my YouTube suggestions. Idgaf about Snowbarry, and I’ve already hit the “not interested” button on similar videos before, but since I can’t seem to get away from video suggestions like this, I’m just gonna watch it and liveblog it, and bet that for every entry on the list, I can come up with a corresponding rebuttal for why Barrisco would make an even better couple. (I’m not gonna comment this ON the video ofc, this is just for my own amusement.)

Click the link above if you want to see the stuff I’ll be responding to, but be forewarned, that video is like, way long, so naturally it follows that this post is gonna be, too.

Additional note: If you are a Snowbarry shipper who has stumbled across this post somehow, now would be the time to stop reading, and also to add the “anti Snowbarry” tag to your filters if you wish to avoid running into posts like this in the future, ‘cause I ain’t interested in engaging in shipping wars.

Anyways, let’s go:

1. "How they met." Cisco woke Barry out of a coma by playing/singing a song about bisexuality, 'nuff said. (Also, part of the purpose of that scene was to introduce Caitlin as the serious, “down to business” one, and Cisco as the warmer, more easygoing one who’s trying to make Barry feel more comfortable.)

2. "They're both scientists." What is Cisco, an Instagram influencer?

3. If Caitlin being Barry’s personal doctor gets her romantic points, then the same should go for Cisco being his personal tailor. Actually, he should get more points, because there’s no moratorium on romantic relationships between tailors and their clients.

4. The way Barry and Cisco gaze into each other's eyes for non-medical purposes. This is too easy.

5. Uh. Cisco being the voice in Barry's ear while he's running, and often the first person he calls out to for help solving a problem.

6. They frequently take hold of each other's hands and shoulders.

7. Cisco comforts Barry while Caitlin tends to his wounds.

8 through 12 is literally just stuff about Caitlin being a doctor, and I don't find this stuff relevant enough to rebut because there's nothing inherently romantic about any of it.

13. "They both have fun together." Yes, Cisco also, the fun having, it happens, lots. Even more, actually.

14. Not really sure what to say for this one. Barry and Cisco noticing when each other is sad and then checking on each other (at Cecile’s baby shower and Barry’s bachelor party, respectively, and also on other occasions), comes to mind. That doesn’t have to do with noticing each other’s lips, per se, but I’ve never thought of either of these SB scenes as moments where Barry was staring at Caitlin’s lips, just as moments where he’s noticing her expression/overall mood, which is something he does with Cisco (and vice versa), too.

15. They all have nerdy hobbies, dude, they're nerds.

16. This one for SB is "she makes Barry drunk on purpose", which, y'know, she did because he wanted to be able to get buzzed, which Cisco has succeeded in helping him do, too (and the drink he made was more effective and longer lasting), but the way this is phrased is kind of suggestive, like Caitlin was doing it to lower his inhibitions (which she totally wasn’t), and uuuuhhhh, don't romanticize that maybe???

17. Cisco put all that tech into Barry's suit, including delivery menus from his favorite restaurants + wrote him an instruction manual, and sped up all his favorite shows so he could catch up on what he missed while he was in the speed force.

18. Barry makes Cisco's (and everyone's) hair fly everywhere when he speeds out of a room, too. Like, this is just basic physics, fam, wyd?

19. Barry also uses his powers to help Cisco. And...literally everyone who needs his help, this is basic superhero stuff, wyd?

20. He is impressed with Cisco, frequently.

21. Just having nicknames? He calls him "bud", "dude", etc., and one time he called him "Cis". (Bonus: Iris and Cisco have called Caitlin "Cait", too, so it’s not just a Ronnie and Barry thing.)

22. Cisco can make anything to help Barry. They're literally top-notch genius scientists, I don't even

23. Obviously they think each other makes great company, they're best friends. All of them.

24. They comfort each other. Again, best friends + Team Flash pep talks are a major staple of the show.

25. He needs Cisco, too.

26. They...they care about...my god, it's like you people have never heard of FRIENDS.

27. Honestly, how many times have we heard Barry tell Cisco he believes in him, or heard Cisco gush about what a great hero Barry is?

28. Helping each other conquer their fears. Yep, that's another one that applies to like, everyone on this show.

29. "They both have experienced loss" IT'S A SUPERHERO SHOW! Also, that's just life. Name one main character on this show who hasn't experienced loss. Nash and Wally have both experienced loss, and I have yet to see anyone ship them.

30. "They both can sing really well." Okay now. This one is true for Barry and Cisco, but uh...Caitlin is literally tone deaf. I'm not being mean, Danielle Panabaker knows good and well that she can't sing, and she has talked about Carlos side-eyeing her when she gets going because she's not good at it. THAT'S OKAY! There's nothing wrong with not being able to sing, but--WHY would you claim that she's good at something that she clearly is not? She wasn't on pitch for a single line of Summer Nights, and she straight up changes keys mid-line in the mockingbird song in that other clip, and just...what even is this entry?!

31. Watching over each other, yeah, another basic staple of being friends and superheroes.

32. "He is always standing behind Caitlin" AND LOOK WHO'S STANDING BESIDE HIM!

33. Remember that time fake Jay "died" and Cisco stayed with Caitlin until she fell asleep? Remember when Dante died and Caitlin slept on Cisco's couch to keep him company? Remember all those times Barry or Cisco were rendered unconscious, and the other stayed by their bedside until they woke up?

34. Basically just a continuation of 33. See above.

35. "Maybe 'okay' will be our 'always'." Hmm, what WOULD Barry and Cisco's "always/okay" be? Probably just calling out each other's names tbh, they do that a lot. Or perhaps, "For real?"

36. Is2g. Being only one call or text away is, again, a staple of the show, considering everyone in it is a close-knit found family and knows there's a very good chance that that call or text might be saying, "I'm in mortal danger, please come save my life at once."

37. Funny, I already pointed out once before (in a different post) the fun parallel of how Caitlin will sometimes go running to whoever her love interest is at the moment, or she'll call out his name, while Cisco is at the same moment running to Barry/calling out for Barry.

Side note: did they really think including Barry's proposal song to Iris would give more weight to their why-to-ship-Snowbarry argument?

38. I mean...Barry kind of carries everyone everywhere. You don't really get to see it, but how the heck else do you explain all the times he whooshes people in and out of places? He can't just drag them, otherwise the soles of their shoes would either wear down fast or catch on fire.

39. Okay, no shade to Barry and Caitlin's friendship, and some of these moments are really great, but generally speaking, their hugs do not compare to the ones that either of them has with Cisco. Also, note the group hug scene, conveniently cut off before Cisco joins in, because unlike the Romione + Harry hug in the Prisoner of Azkaban movie, there's no way to interpret it as a third wheel/cockblocking moment, because the moment Cisco declares it a group hug moment, Barry and Caitlin both agree, and you can see it on their faces that they are delighted, and think that Cisco joining in their hug has just made it even BETTER.

40. Henry gladly accepts a hug from Caitlin, immediately after laughing at Cisco's awkward moment and giving him a fatherly reassuring pat on the shoulder. I think it's safe to say he approves of all of Team Flash.

41. Oh look, another thing Barry and Cisco and multiple other characters do.

Good god, I'm not even halfway through this yet. This is like that time I tried to climb Diamond Head.

42. Ah, superhero poses, yes. That thing that...superheroes...do. Like, all of the ones on this show. And in general.

43.  "They begin to resemble each other." They're just white, fam. OH MY GOD, I SOMETIMES TAKE MY SUNGLASSES OFF WITH ONE HAND, TOO! OT3 MUCH????? 😱 Lol what even??

44. How many times throughout this video am I gonna have to repeat that everyone on this show has these moments? Also, speaking in unison with someone because you had prior knowledge of what they were going to say due to yourself or someone else time traveling, is not the same as being in sync with them because you’re close. (He said “Weather Wizard” at the same time as Cisco, too.)

45. Idk what to even say to this one. Like, Iris is obviously the love of Barry's life, and Cisco is obviously his favorite best friend and the person he would be with if he didn’t have Iris.

46. *John Mulaney voice* AND THEN THEY DIDN'T! Seriously, though, both of the people they were trying to get over were perfect for them. I don't have a Barrisco specific rebuttal for this one though.

47. So by this video's logic, that one scene from 4x03 means that Barry, Harry, and Cisco should be a threesome, huh?

48. "I did it because it gave me an excuse to bring him back."

49. .................is this even an argument?

50. They're both good looking people, darling.

51. Wrong, sir. They fight like siblings. Trust me on this one, I have six of them.

52. Trauma response. I'm moving away from Barrisco arguments and just saying the first thing that pops into my head now. But seriously, this is a normal reaction to trauma/loss.

53. *Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* I'm not even gonna say it this time, you already know.

54. Again, have you people ever had anyone in your life that you cared about, ever? I'm starting to get concerned, honestly. But for the sake of bringing Barrisco back into this, hey, remember that time Barry and Caitlin both got kidnapped on the same night and Cisco was completely beside himself?

55. This is getting out of hand.

56. Pretty sure dating Caitlin didn't even make the list for Barry's reasons to dislike Jay and Julian (also, he liked Ronnie, the guy she loved the most, so...)

57. Judging Barry for being a dumbass + helping an exposed girl out =/= jealousy. Granted, there was some jealousy in that last clip, but not because Iris got the man; it was because Barry was all set to live happily ever after while Caitlin was, y'know, struggling with powers she didn't want and another person living in her head that kept fighting her for control of her body.

58. Refer to season 1 episode 2, wherein Cisco is the person helping Barry from the beginning, and Caitlin asserts that she is on Joe's side when he tells Barry what a stupid and reckless idea trying to be a superhero is.

59 + 60. "Let's bring our boy home." / "Let's go get our girl." Do I need to cite either quote?

61. Again I ask, did a human make this list?

62. Don't make me tap the sign.

63. One word: Elseworlds.

64. If you'll scroll waaaaaaaaaaay up there, I already covered that Barry and Cisco hold hands A LOT.

65. Oooh, I made a meme about this one! Not after watching this video, I just see SBers say this all the time, and it drives me crazy.

I used this in my Snowbarry fandom drama presentation for my squad’s presentation party a while back.

Side note: ~INTERESTING~ how Caitlin being a doctor is ““romantic”” when she’s treating Barry but ““motherly”” when she’s treating Cisco. I can’t even.

66. ......I’m sorry, I’m just not seeing how the dramatic irony of them stating that Killer Frost will never be a problem on Earth-1 is pertinent to shipping them as a couple.

67. Hannibal Bates and Caitlin are perfect for each other? Weird take, but okay. Oh, and there Caitlin is trying to freeze Barry to death. Wasn’t there a point somewhere up there about her never wanting him to get hurt?

Side note: Hey, what’s the name of that guy who saved Barry in this scene?

68. Bruh, that’s just her dynamic with everyone that season.

69. Barry and Iris, Barry and Cisco, Cisco and Caitlin, Cisco and Harry, Caitlin and Killer Frost, Cisco and Killer Frost--just naming some duos that are more iconic than Barry and Caitlin. Again, no shade to their friendship--I really like them as friends!--but the shippers stay making it out to be more than it really is.

I also just have to point out that although Killer Frost was the one who willingly teamed up with Savitar/whom Savitar sought out first, when she comments on their team up and says it’s “Barry and Caitlin together again”, his response is to point out that she’s not Caitlin and he’s not Barry. In contrast, when he takes Cisco against his will and forces him to modify the speed force bazooka, he still refers to Cisco as his best friend.

70. Make up your mind, does Savitar count as Barry in this or not? Because he totally grabbed Caitlin by the throat once.

71. I don’t know how to break this to you, but not enjoying it when someone is in pain is just being normal. (Do I even need to point out Cisco’s empathetic cringing compared to Barry’s looks of mild discomfort, or...?)

At some point this went from being about Barrisco to being about Cisco being the favorite friend to both of them, idk.

72. He. Is. Literally. A. Superhero.

73. Man, what did I JUST say? Also, can we just acknowledge the build up to Crisis on Infinite Earths for a second, wherein Frost very quickly accepts that Barry is supposed to die in order to save everyone else, while Cisco has infinite crises of his own at the idea of having to accept Barry’s death--which, I might add, he never actually does? Neither does Iris, for that matter. They tried to accept it, and they thought they did, but they didn’t really.

74. Oh fuck it, just read 73 again.

75. Okay, what even is this one? Two scenes where they are not present for each other’s “deaths” and thus don’t react to them, meanwhile Cisco is devastated in both of them?

76. Same thing I’ve already said several times before.

77. How many times do I gotta point out that this is a superhero show?

78. Just really trying hard to find enough reasons to make this list 101, huh? (What is Firestorm, chopped liver?)

79. Because violence = chemistry apparently. Wasn’t there another entry about how they can never hurt each other or something?

80. I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the vibrating hand that shredded Cisco’s heart before either of those scenes happened.

81. It’s like SBers think they’re the only two characters on the entire show.

82. I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over all the other vibrating hands triggering Cisco at least once per season. But sure, Barry and Caitlin are the only two who know suffering.

83. Two words: Flashpoint. Dante. Also, not seeing how this one is romantic.

84. That’s just a Caitlin/Frost thing, fam, it only happened to Barry because he got whammied by Prism, who caused the same effect in everyone else he whammied. (Cisco’s eyes turned purple once when he got hypnotized.)

85. Please. I beg of you. Get friends. Interact with a human person.

Side note: “I trust you” was almost what I put for Barrisco’s “always/okay”.

86. “Don’t call me that. I don’t know you, string bean.” / “I don’t know who you think you are, but around here, people call me Mr. Ramon.” / “The name is Vibe.” (Again, romance where?)

87. Kinda like how Mirror Iris and Mirror Kamilla have slightly dressier tastes than Real Iris and Real Kamilla.

88. ....Anyways, Vibe........

89. The first time because Cisco saved him, the second time because she froze him just enough to fool Grodd, not enough to actually kill him. (Again I say, what is Firestorm?)

90. So romance. Very love. Much relationship.

91. ANYWAYS, CISCO. (And uh, hello, IRIS???? Joe? Harry?)

92. See 88.

93. This one might be a fun ship parallel if Caitlin had actually been involved in Barry’s brain zapping, but instead it’s just like, “here’s two random scenes that are kinda similar in completely insignificant ways”, like the evil clothes thing a few entries back.

94. Another entry that just demonstrates that their one-on-one moments together, while good, just don’t compare to either of their one-on-one moments with Cisco. I can’t be the only person who sees this.

95 + 96 + 97. I can’t muster up enough interest in any of these shows to watch them all the way through. Is this supposed to impress me?

98 + 99 + 100. The only point this proves is that they have multiple ship names. (I thought their evil ship name was Savifrost?)

101. Mm, sorry, sweetheart, Westallen, Barrisco, and Snowstorm all have them beat in this category.

This post really got away from me, at this point idk what I’m even doing, but I went on too long to stop now.

Oh, shit, there’s a bonus round.

Honestly, I fail to see how a lot of these supposedly “match”? But as for the ones that do, that’s just your basic TV aesthetics, I forget the official name for it. They’re matchy-matchy with Cisco in some of those shots, too, because TV matchy color psychology whatever. It’s a whole thing, every TV show and movie does it.

If anyone actually followed along this far, congratulations on your attention span, my brain could never. Idk how to end this post because it strayed so far from my original intent and basically just turned into a Snowbarry Fandom Doesn’t Make Sense Presentation 2.0

You know, I like to try not to generalize and stuff, and I’d like to think that maybe not all SBers are racist and that some people genuinely just like the ship because they think that makes sense or something, but then I look at their reasons for shipping it, and it’s just the dang blandest thing I ever did see, and they have to reach so far when they try to explain why they think they’re the best “couple” on the show and just??? I am the queen of shipping friends who never get together romantically, but Barry and Caitlin just don’t got it, son. Tbh part of the show’s appeal to me is the fact that there’s no threat of Caitlin ever getting with either of her male bffs in that way, because Cisco is like her brother, and getting with Barry just wouldn’t make sense. It just befuddles me to no end that they are such a wildly popular ship and not a rare pair, because the way their relationship is in canon is just exactly the way it should be.

That’s it, I guess. I’ve already invested this much time in this, so I might as well post it.

Also, please don’t anybody try to start anything in the comments section of this video, this fandom has enough drama as it is.

#anti Snowbarry #s6 #(for spoilers) #I used to be indifferent about this ship I swear but the fandom is just so whack at all times that I don't know what to do with myself #mainly regarding their attitude toward Iris/Candice but in all the stuff talked about in this post too

[cosplayswitzerlandaskblog]

Unlike last time Hetalia got a new season, the response has not been particularly positive, and I’m seeing a lot of twisted feelings towards the show and the fandom to a point where it seems long time content creators are stepping away from it. I know anyone still active who follows me either are or were fans of Hetalia, so it should be relevant for all y’all.

As a fan who never fell out of the show, I find the response sad though healthy, and even if I know I ghosted you all on tumblr (sorry) because of time constraints and mental health, I still make the occasional CMVs. Fact is, I do not let go of special interests very easily. It seems a lot of you all started watching the show at 10-14 years old, where I myself was a bit older – 17 – and had grown a bit more. Long story short, my Naruto phase was your Hetalia phase, and no, it’s not pretty. You’re young and stupid and don’t know much critical thinking and make mistakes, and you have to forgive yourself for those mistakes, especially when the content you consume is associated with the real world in a sensitive subject.

But after seeing all these posts explaining all the bad we see from Hetalia, I wanted to make a post explaining what I learned from it – all the good that can come with a show like this if you stay aware of perspective. I am not excusing all the bad that came with it, for WWII is a serious event in history that should never be forgotten nor made fun of, but here goes:

I went from a ‘war-is-cool’ history buff to one who truly delved in and learned the intricacies of history, being fascinated with the ‘hows’ and the ‘whys’ as well as getting an excuse to look at the histories of nations which I’d never otherwise be interested in, and I know a lot of other people in the fandom did the same. This is how history should be known, as that is how we can truly apply it to the real world.

I learned to separate people from their countries. To give an example that’ll hit close to much of tumblr, when I started Hetalia I hated Americans with a passion because of the road “you” had put the world on, and I considered all y’all dumb and bad as a cause of it. Getting that excuse to take an ACTUAL look at how your nation functioned and what communities truly hid behind the borders, I learned instead that your government is corrupt as shit, your society is rigged against you and you have been forced to stand by and watch as chaos happens. It got applied to the world as a whole, where I considered other nations being as dynamic as my own, with people both good and bad, and the actions of the nation is even less of a reflection of the people in the cases of corrupt democracies or dictatorships.

I separated from Colonial world views. I was never actively racist, brought up in a proper home, and already before Hetalia I fiercely protected the rights of Muslims who are often mistreated in my nation and tried to hear them out when possible. But I was a Westerner, and even if the nation I came from had barely participated in invasions, I had learned to consider my culture ‘correct’ and native and African cultures ‘primitive’. While the journey was long, a step wise process of realizing things like there was nothing inherently ethically wrong eating dogs or partially incubated duck eggs, only in how the animals were acquired, that cultural progress is heavily dependent on perspective and that fucking genocide of native peoples still happen in this damn century, Hetalia was the stepping stone which gave me the interest in other nations to expand my world view. I probably ain’t done here – I have a whole life of outside influences to unlearn – but I’m further than most people I know in my near surroundings, and I’ve even managed to move my parents who originally taught me to respect people of all kinds in the first place.

I learned Nazis were people. This is a conversation which often comes up here on tumblr, and the demonization Nazi Germany and its government directly allows actual Nazis and fascists like Richard Spencer a free pass because they look groomed and proper. Until then, I’d simply assumed no one was ‘stupid enough to be a Nazi’ because of the atrocities of WWII and therefore looked at the world naively. Realizing how little true support Nazis had during WWII and similarly anyone could end down that pungent rabbit hole, I became careful of what I excused on social media and allowed myself to doubt seemingly normal people if their behaviour was alarming – such as the police man who is supposed to be a damn ‘hero’ of society.

I learned how to deal with material sensitive to others. A common problem in the fandom has always been the cosplaying and portrayal of Nazis, especially at cons and the like, and in a similar vein – I did blackface once because of Hetalia. The horrible thing about this is that blackface is immensely common in Europe – at least my own country – and blackface frequently happens at schools during ‘international’ events, where whole classrooms are assigned to portray a designated country. A whole of two times – in 6th grade as well as 2nd grade of high school – I was exposed to blackface as my class was given an African nation to portray – Somalia the first time, Kenya the second. No one, adult, teen or child, are aware of the history of race imitation in my country, but by the second time I was supposed to participate in dressing up as an African tribe, I’d understood the issue – thanks to Hetalia. My friend group of white, privileged, European teens discussed what symbolism was appropriate at cons or in videos – could we wear the Iron Cross? The Nazi flag? What if we burned it during the video? These thoughts are not usually a part of the mind of European youth, and I consider that a grave problem which leads to people making fun of ‘triggers’, downplaying racial issues and the like.

It offered me a means to make history personal. The biggest struggle for good history teachers and the reason we are often made to read and write letters from the periods we study is to make it seem real and get a emotional connection to these past, lost peoples. Hetalia offered puppets for me to place into historical contexts to make them truly real – the main driver pushing me away from mere fascination of war, since I suddenly felt the horrors of warfare through the characters that I loved. Things like Elizabeth I’s court, the conquests of Rome, the dissolution of the Kalmar Union, the battlefield of Somme, the invasion of America, damn slavery becomes different when something you already know is a part of it and you can see them in there. Hearing of people of the past should in itself be enough, and for the closest parts of history (WWII and afterwards) it always was for me, but we are human. We cannot understand the size of a billion, and we struggle understanding the lives of those living centuries before us, unless we are offered context.

I’m not blind to the issues of the fandom or the show. I was here for ‘the r*pist, the pervert and the p*dophile’, I know of South Korean and Chinese issues with the show, and I heard the gassing joke in the show’s dub and got nauseous from discomfort and anger. I’ve always been in the fringe of the fandom due to my social disabilities, so I don’t know everything that happened, but I’ve seen many racist OCs and disrespecting of historical sites. It’s not pretty, but I will believe these people, who were likely young, likely learned in time. And I may have been able to learn these things by other means, but not in the same way, and not through personal interest and research that’s helped me become sceptical and analysing of the world around me.

At its core, Hetalia is about watching a normal, nerdy guy learn how to draw, using stereotypic country personifications mainly from the perspective of Japan. It’s natural he chooses Japan, since he’s Japanese, and WWII is unfortunately the automatic historical event for most common people to focus on – but Hetalia doesn’t even solely focus on that, but is an amalgamation of vaguely correct historical situations played out by the characters, and often it is with the intent of comedy rather than the grimness often associated with historical settings which allows a wider audience than merely history nerds.

What I want you all to do is learn from your mistakes and forgive your younger selves for not knowing better. Maybe reflect on what you got from the show, rather than what you lost. A new generation of young Hetalians is likely coming with the new season, and us old timers might be able to help them avoid pitfalls if we stay around to teach them. The best of the show is compassion towards the people of the world combined and love of history, as I believe Hima wanted it – the worst is Nazi apologetics and racial stereotyping. We decide in what direction we take it, and what lessons we bring into the future.

TL;DR: As a lot of media intended for older audiences, Hetalia is a show which has to be watched critically, which makes it dangerous for young people to watch unhinged, but it also opens up for interest in the world beyond the borders you live within. We should be aware of the issues and learn from them, but in and of itself the show has a lot of good to offer in learning compassion for other nations and cultural groups.

#impressive how active I've become these last weeks #I kinda feel embarrassed #but Hetalia is coming back #and a lot of people are feeling dread because of it #my own feelings are mixed #but Hetalia is was gave me friends and started expanding my world view #other people might get a similar benefit from it #and I want them to have the chance #I'd love to hear the opinions of others tho #also #welcome to my usual iconic long posts

[c-swirlz]

Denial | Sanders Sides Oneshot (Logan ‘Birthday’ Special)

Summary: Logan is still adamant that his ‘birthday’ isn’t November 3rd. However, when his family takes it as seriously as they do, he supposes he can be persuaded otherwise.

OR

Five (5) times Logan insists it isn’t his ‘birthday’ and the one (1) time he doesn’t.

Pairing(s): None

Content/trigger warning(s): Knife

[AO3 link]

|| This was meant to be posted yesterday (because it was November 3rd in my timezone), but I got distracted partway through writing and didn’t finish it in time. Therefore, this is -- technically -- a day late. ||

“Happy Birthday, Logan!”

Logan stared at Patton, utterly perplexed. The paternal Side was grinning brightly, his hands clasped together in front of him as he contently swayed slightly from side to side.

Logan shook his head, breaking himself free of his momentary trance. “Patton, it’s... not my birthday.”

Patton frowned, tilting his head to the side like that of a confused puppy. “Whaddya mean?” The moral Side gasped, bringing his hands up to cover his mouth. “Oh no, did I get the day wrong?! What’s the date?”

Logan summoned a calendar and examined it for a moment before banishing it. “It is the third of November.”

Patton breathed a small sigh of relief as his hands lowered, his shoulders visibly sagging. “Oh, okay, thank goodness--”

Suddenly, a realisation seemed to dawn on Patton, and he stared at Logan.

“Wait. If it is November third, then... why did you say it’s not your birthday?”

Logan’s brow furrowed and his lips pressed into a tight line. “We are not real people. We were not ‘born’ in the same sense Thomas was, therefore none of us technically have a birthday. However, if we were to have one, it would surely be more logical for it to be the same as Thomas’ as we are all fractions of his personality, not individual humans.”

Patton’s frown became impossibly larger, almost becoming a pout. “Aww, but Logan! Just because we aren’t real people doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to have and celebrate our own birthdays!”

Logan shook his head, almost apologetically.

Almost.

“Apologies, Patton, but if you insist on celebrating my ‘birthday’, I would much prefer you wait for Thomas’.”

And with that, Logan turned and walked away. Guilt began creeping in, but he shoved it down. Guilt was an icky, human emotion that Logic didn’t need. He refused to feel it.

That didn’t mean he didn’t want to.

~---~

“Ah, Specs! Fancy seeing you here!”

Logan turned around, his expression neutral as Roman strolled into the kitchen. “Salutations, Roman.” He turned back around and continued preparing his beverage. “We all live here and enter the kitchen quite frequently, so I don’t really understand your latter statement.”

Roman rolled his eyes fondly, walking up to stand next to Logan and lightly punching him playfully in the shoulder. “Nerd.”

“Prep,” Logan responded automatically.

Roman chuckled, gasping quietly as he seemed to remember something. “Oh, by the way, happy birthday!”

Logan made an odd sound in the back of his throat, which Roman picked up on.

“Okay, Patton did tell me you weren’t a fan of the whole birthday thing, but c’mon, Calculator Watch! The sooner you accept your deemed birthdate, the sooner we can celebrate!”

Roman pulled off his iconic pose as he sang the last word, holding for an -- admittedly -- impressively long time on the a.

Logan bit the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from releasing a huff of amused laughter, lifting the cup containing his beverage to his lips and softly blowing on it before taking a sip.

“Your festivities would be wasted, Roman. Why not wait until Virgil’s ‘birthday’? It is only forty-six days away, and I’m sure he would appreciate it so long as you didn’t catch him by surprise.”

Roman opened his mouth to respond, but stopped as Logan turned around and began walking out of the kitchen.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do.”

Logan strode towards the stairs, leaving Roman alone downstairs as he travelled up.

The guilt returned.

He ignored it.

~---~

“Oh, Nerdy Wolverine~!”

Logan sighed, barely flinching as a knife was plunged into his shoulder. He simply waved a hand and the blade vanished, the wound healing instantly. A nasally whine rang out, and Logan glanced over his shoulder just as Remus clung onto him, having caught him in the hall as he’d left his room to retrieve a book he’d left downstairs.

“Remus,” Logan greeted.

Remus grinned, waggling his eyebrows. “A little birdie told me it’s a certain nerd’s birthday today~”

Logan grit his teeth. “Patton, I’m assuming?”

Remus snorted. “Yep! But you don’t seem too happy, Specs. What’s up?”

Logan scoffed, rolling his eyes as he pried Remus off his back. “I am quite honestly getting rather sick of explaining it.”

Remus clicked his tongue, picking at his moustache. “Eh, fair enough.” He stopped picking at his moustache and looked back up at Logan, staring at him for a moment before his gaze seemed to drift towards Roman’s door.

“Is dear brother Roman in right now?”

Logan shook his head.

Remus brought his hands together with a loud clap. “Goodie, I can fill his room with my latest creations! He’s sure to love them!”

Remus darted over to Roman’s bedroom door, opening it and stepping inside. He poked his head back out, exclaiming, “See ya, nerd!” before closing the door.

Logan blinked.

That was... odd.

~---~

Logan knew Janus had entered his room before the snakelike Side had even announced his presence.

“Salutations, Janus.”

“Hello, Logan,” Janus replied, adjusting his hat before taking a few strides forward to stand beside the logical Side, who was sitting at his desk typing on his laptop at superhuman speed.

“Tell me, how long has it been since you had something to eat or drink since you started your work?”

Logan stopped typing, but remained silent. That was enough of an answer for Janus.

“I assumed as much.”

Suddenly, there was a glass of water and a Crofter’s sandwich on a plate sitting next to Logan’s laptop, and the ghost of a smile was momentarily visible on his face.

“Ah,” Logan cleared his throat. “Thank you, Janus.”

Janus began examining his gloves where his nails would be underneath. “I have no idea what you mean.”

Logan could see the small smirk on the deceitful Side’s face.

Janus didn’t stick around for long after that, and it wasn’t until he sunk out that Logan realised the serpentine Side hadn’t acknowledged his ‘birthday’ whatsoever.

~---~

As evening rolled in, the card sticky taped to the outside of Logan’s door came as a surprise to him. Curiosity got the better of him, and instead of simply ignoring it like he usually would, he carefully peeled the sticky tape off, removed it, opened the card and read the text inside, which was written in Virgil’s distinctive handwriting.

Hey, L.

I know you think having a birthday’s illogical and all, but I still wanted to wish you a happy one, since... y’know, November 3rd’s considered to be yours.

~ Supreme Dark Overlord of Negative Commerce

Logan’s grip on the card tightened, and he almost crumpled it into a ball as an odd surge of anger washed over him. However, he stopped himself, taking a few regulating breaths before re-entering his room, fuming, though he refused to acknowledge it.

“It. Is. Not. My. Birthday,” he muttered, sitting back down at his desk, opening his laptop and resuming his work.

~---~

A knock on the door aroused Logan from his slumber. Wait, when had he fallen asleep? Apparently only about twenty minutes ago according to his laptop’s clock.

“Logan?”

That was Patton’s voice.

“I know you’re probably really busy right now, but could you please come down to the kitchen?”

Logan didn’t respond, and an awkward silence hung in the air for a moment.

On the other side of the door, Patton sighed. “Well, kiddo, we’ll be waiting... please come down.”

We...?

Logan listened for the sound of Patton’s fading footsteps before venturing out the door, slowly descending the stairs only to glance in the direction of the kitchen and stop in his tracks as he reached the bottom.

Everyone was there: Roman, Patton, Virgil, Janus and Remus. They were all smiling somewhat sheepishly at him, and the logical Side’s eyes were drawn to the cake he could see sitting on the bench behind them.

“Now before you say anything,” Patton said suddenly, breaking the silence, “we know you don’t consider today to be your birthday. However, we consider it to be, and we weren’t about to let the day end without at least making you a cake!”

Logan did have to admit the cake looked rather delicious, but he made sure not to show it. His family were looking at him expectantly, and he allowed his lips to curl up into a small smile. He sighed defeatedly.

“Alright, I suppose I can... embrace my deemed ‘birthday’. For the time being.”

When Logan returned to his room a few hours later to find a small pile of gifts on his bed, he supposed he could cope with November 3rd being his ‘birthday’ despite it being nowhere near Thomas’.

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #sanders sides oneshot #logan sanders #ts logan #sanders sides logan #logan sanders birthday #tw knife #swirlz scrawls

[supersoldiersruined-me]

What do you think Chris’s personality is like?

Hi nonnie!

So this is a topic I’d love to elaborate, but I’ll try and keep it simple.

The creative communicator

Gemini people are chatterboxes. And this doesn’t only stop with conversations. In fact, they love to try new things and create and that’s why I think he’s so good at what he does. Portraying caracters is definitely a neat way to keep him in check with showcasing that ability, while never getting bored of the same old things. He likes upbeat and happy people, although he doesn’t expect his friends to be like him. That’s where I want to say Chris steps out of the Gemini mold, because they usually don’t like silence to a point where they feel awkward. But he likes to go camping alone and has mentioned that he quickly feels trap whenever someone is too clingy. He’ll talk about anything for hours if it fascinates you both, but he doesn’t need the useless small talk to fill in the gaps. He’s okay with quiet, and actually needs it.

The romantic

Someone I met not too long ago has mentioned that, in a majority of cases, the way a man treats his mother is good indication as to how he will treat his partner. He definitely admires the opposite sex (hehe) and is super respectful. (Winkwink; his best friend is a woman). 

We all know where this leads us and I think this is the best part we could talk about. There’s no denying that he’s sweet and attentive. That he does not expect his partner to be his servant, even though his bro side may ask you for another beer once in a while (getting to that below). Chris loves with his entire body and soul, but such deep emotions also come with their counterparts. He’s most likely someone who gets hurt easily when he feels like he’s failed his partner (or anyone). He’ll get really anxious if he gets a “can we talk later?” kinda text. In fact he might call right away. He just feels so much and it’s a hard thing to deal with sometimes.

The same way he uses his art to communicate, I think means Chris likes the show don’t tell kind of relationship. Whereas he would rather remind you just how much you mean to him by getting you little things here and there (which you’d only mentionned once in a conversation but this man is attentive, remember?) rather than overuse the three little words. Don’t get me wrong he says I love you a lot, but here I am again with the “new”; your reaction to a gift or whatever he does would be a lot bigger and heartwarming than him hearing a “me too”. 

The nerdy fratboy

He’s said it himself that he speaks bro and we’ve all seen him in his god fobidden t-shirt/cap combo. I think there’s no denying this aspect of him and I think it’s just his heart staying young. There again, his education (both at home and out) come in play with the man he turned out to be. Would this be more intense if he had been to college? 

Then again he said he was a theater nerd and loved plays (I’m thinking Finn from Glee?). The all-around sweetheart who happened to be good looking and tall and manly quite early on. So even if he had been in college and attended frat parties, I doubt he would be much of an asshole. 

I’m coming back to my beer thing. Although he would be super respectful, I think that he would be the kind of guy to see you walk by when he’s watching football with the guys and kindly ask you to grab a beer in the fridge for him. I think Chris has that sort of old-school mentality where he has you do small things for him and you get the good fuck in return (BUT, I think it would not be frequent and would most likely be some sort of role-play thing).

These are a few of the positive things I can come up with. From what we’ve seen, and how he presents himself. Again, tumblr is fantasy and no one knows him enough to declare the authenticity of this. But if I have to think of on ‘bad’ thing, I think that Chris is someone who could get irritated quite quickly. When he’s tired and has had a long day of press. He can be a little moody but that can be changed quickly. He let’s his emotions show but I don’t think he would go to the extend of hurting his partner when he’s feeling down. He’s keep to himself and wait until he felt better.

So yeah... I guess I still have issues with keeping things short. Meh! Y’all asked for this. Thanks again! I love the new questions. 

#ronnie answers #chris evans hc #my writing #nonnie

[podsandpuppies]

Evidence that I’m a Podcast Nerd, a masterlist

Listened | In Progress | To Listen | Favorite*

Audio Drama/Actual Play

2298

The Adventure Zone*

Alba Salix*

The Alexandria Archives

Alice Isn’t Dead

Archive 81*

ars PARADOXICA

The Behemoth*

Big Data*

The Big Loop*

The Bridge

The Bright Sessions*

Bronzeville*

Cthulhu & Friends

Cthulhu & Friends Sidequests

The Deep Vault

The End of Time and Other Bothers

Eos 10* 

The Far Meridian*

Girl in Space

Greater Boston*

Hello from the Magic Tavern

Help Me

I am in Eskew

Inkwyrm

It Makes a Sound

Kakos Industries

Lake Clarity

Lesser Gods

Life After

Limetown

Mabel

The Magical History of Knox County*

The Magnus Archives

Marsfall

Midnight Radio

Modern Audio Drama (incl. the behemoth, pixie, and others)

The No Sleep Podcast

Oakpodcast

Our Fair City*

The Penumbra*

The Phenomenon 

Pixie

Return Home

Sayer

Songonauts

Spines*

The Strange Case of Starship Iris

Station to Station

Tales of Thattown

Tides

The Truth (incl. songonauts)

Under Pressure

Unplaced

The Walk

Welcome to Night Vale

We’re Alive

The White Vault*

Within the Wires*

Wolf 359*

Wooden Overcoats*

Another Time (French)

Hasta Dente! (French)

Gobbledygook (French)

Nonfiction

99% Invisible

The Allusionist*

The Anthropocene Reviewed

Benjamen Walker’s Theory of Everything

Gastropod*

Harry Potter and the Sacred Text*

The Heart*

The History Chicks

History of English*

Horse

Imaginary Worlds

Launch

Lingthusiasm*

The Moth

Myths and Legends

Potterless*

Rough Translation

Sawbones

Serial

Singing Bones*

Speculative Grammarian

The Sporkful

StarTalk

S-Town

Talk the Talk

That’s What They Say

Very Bad Words

The Vocal Fries

A Way with Words

Word for Word

Words for Granted

The World in Words

Writing Excuses

Podcasts that are no longer on my feed because they either weren’t my cup of tea or released too frequently (I get overwhelmed by a show that releases more than 1hr of content per week and listening starts to feel like a chore)

The PNWS bunch. I just... couldn’t focus on what was going on. Also, cringe-worthy journalistic ethics.

Tunnels. Same reasons as PNWS basically. I was v disappointed that it didn’t turn out to be my taste because I loved the premise a lot. I went in thinking it’d be like The Magical History of Knox County and instead it was like The Black Tapes

What’s the Frequency? I tried really hard on this one and I totally get why people love it! It just wasn’t quite my flavor of weird and it didn’t strike my preferred balance between plot and aesthetic. 

Orbiting Human Circus (of the Air). I listened to the first few episodes and I wasn’t really into the old-time radio style of it, I guess? That was when it was first released though and I feel like my tastes may have changed enough, so I’ve been thinking about giving it another go.

The Beef and Dairy Network. I can’t really put my finger on this one. I enjoyed while I was listening, but never exactly looked forward to it? It started to feel like a Thing I Had to Do which isn’t a good way to come into something that’s supposed to be for fun! 

Lexicon Valley. Mainly, the topics stopped being as interesting to me. I have a degree in linguistics and it just wasn’t nerdy enough for me anymore. There were also a few things stylistically that I suppose could be summed up by saying it’s a show that kind of needs two people to bounce off of each other, which is how the it started but isn’t how the show is anymore.

Focused as Fuck. It was great, but at the beginning at least there were new episodes every day and it was Too Much.

The Omnibus. They talk about a lot of really interesting stuff and I always moderately enjoyed it. For me, it was a good podcast for when I was doing something relatively mindless that sometimes required my attention since I wouldn’t get lost if I missed 30 seconds or so of the episode. But also. Two hour-long episodes per week was Too Much.

Honestly I love talking about all of these things so if you’ve got any questions please send me a message or an ask! Whether you’re looking for recs or you see a show you love that doesn’t get talked about enough or whatever else, I’m always up for new pod friends. 

#podcasts #audio drama #long post

[voidwaren]

what head canons do you have for warren and nathan?

oh gosh I am the actual WORST person to ask this because I have pretty much all the headcanons? like, all of them. even if they contradict, I accept them as my own. Warren being taller than Nathan? accepted. Warren being shorter? also accepted. (you might think Warren’s the shorter one in my fic but jUST WAIT THERE ARE EXTRA SCENES I NEVER PUBLISHED and still don’t know wtf to do with actually) 

some maybe more specific ones (specific to my fic? maybe?) that I would 100% contradict if I swayed that way would be:

- both Nathan and Warren are pretty impressionable people (Warren because young and Nathan because he’s always wanted to just fit in somewhere), and thus pick up easily on the other’s mannerisms the longer they hang out together.  Warren starts getting better at slinging out nonsense strings of cusswords when frustrated and Nathan unconsciously starts fact-spewing after listening to Warren talk science for too long (IE Hayden: “idk the moon’s outside like the stratosphere or something”; Nathan, actually paying more attention to a photo than to Hayden: “exosphere, dumbshit”)

- building on that headcanon I guess, Warren is that kind of nerdy person that will correct you like an afterthought if he hears some sort of fact said incorrectly despite not being asked. he doesn’t mean it to be an asshole, it’s just a reflex. actually ask him a question and he’ll spend so long giving you a detailed answer that he’ll rebound on himself and start churning out theories he’s either learned or come up with himself and will probably forget he was speaking to you in the first place

- Nathan’s learned to just Not Ask Questions unless he wants to be stuck for a while

- and by this I mean he asks questions whenever he wants Warren to talk but doesn’t want Warren to know he wants him to (which builds on, I think, that Warren’s chatter becomes one of the calming mechanisms for Nathan when he needs it, like the whale song is)

- Warren’s a sucker for a pretty girl. not in that sleazy “I want to get with her” way but in the “oh no she’s cute fuck I forgot how to speak” kind of way. I enjoy playing on this one.

- Warren 100% knows Klingon. probably Vulcan too. and Elvish. (childhood learning projects?) however, he doesn’t know any other “normal” languages as well as he does those, excluding English. Latin would come in after those in terms of fluency

- Nathan relied on Victoria a lot along the line of their friendship and Victoria prides herself in being his best friend as much as he does her. Warren has encroached on that quite a lot and will continue to, but Victoria will take a long time to trust him with Nathan because of how protective of him she is. Warren has a constant want to ask her things he can’t figure out about Nathan, but she scares him (more so that he’s afraid he’ll offend her and she’ll never acknowledge his existence again than anything, though she does legitimately scare him a little)

- Warren’s pretty fearless when he wants to be. (is that a headcanon? that’s probably actually canon.)

- Nathan has no idea how to hold a gun, nor shoot it. it’s all show, he’s never been taught. (he’s too stupid to just remove the bullets I guess? maybe he just never thought to check if there were any in it when he was being a dickbutt with the thing. idk I really don’t think this kid is honest to god that malicious, he’s just stupid and desperate and thinks scaring people with a gun is a good idea)

- (note: I don’t actually think Nathan’s stupid, I think he’s really smart and has a pretty damn good memory, but he was addled by the drugs he was on before he swapped to a new therapist and was righted + the amount of stress he was under)

- this has been hinted at along the way, but Nathan is really bad at simply sitting still. something has to be moving, be it his leg, his hands (which is why he will probably make a mess out of something sooner or later)—something. (we know Nathan’s on medication, and one of them is confirmed to cause restlessness.) the only time he doesn’t feel that need to is when he’s behind the camera, which is why he took it up in the first place. he also finds destroying things soothing (which, spoiler, is why he rips open sugar packets and cuts paper up)

- (honestly there are so many things to Nathan’s character that Warren just doesn’t realize or question because he’s still learning and Nathan’s completely new territory for him, it’s all one step at a time)

- they’re both frequent insomniacs, Nathan by default (genetics and medication) and Warren by choice. reasonings behind said choice may vary ;) (he’s a fuckin’ nerd why do you think he stays up all damn night)

- Nathan doesn’t mind reading, he just forgets books exist sometimes and doesn’t really care enough to remember. (but give him a book and he’ll give it a little bit of a page-flip, IE the comic books from Warren and the occasional book he’ll find lying around Warren’s room). he prefers movies

- he might want to get involved in movies one day

- they’re both big classical movie buffs. a frequent argument between them is which movie did a specific genre better. Warren always goes for the one with the better storyline execution while Nathan goes for the better cinematography

I could probably think of a lot more but this is too freaking long as it is oops

#jfc sorry that was so long #I got carried away #thank you!! #asks

[road2nf]

Jensen McRae | The Road to Nerdfighteria

DFTBA. If you are not subscribed to the vlogbrothers YouTube channel, and if you never have been, you might not know what that stands for. It’s an initialism (because acronyms are pronounceable, fact c/o of a vlogbrothers video) that stands for Don’t Forget To Be Awesome. It is the official (or perhaps unofficial) motto of the nerdfighter community. (Nerdfighters are people who are fans of vlogbrothers, the content creators therein, or the community therein. I think that’s enough definitions for now). When I was 14 years old, this book called The Fault in Our Stars came out. A good friend of mine was kind of obsessed with the author, this slightly sub-middle-aged white guy named John Green, and she insisted that I read both The Fault in Our Stars and Looking for Alaska, this John Green guy’s first book. I was a reader in childhood, having developed nearsightedness due to my predilection for reading in the dark after my bedtime by flashlight (at least that’s the explanation my mother gave me). However, recently I’d found myself frustrated by books. I would tear through middle-grade chick lit (that’s the best way I can describe these terribly formulaic books with dull characters and contrived plots that always involved two straight/white/able-bodied/middle-class best friends falling in love) when I found it, but other than that, I wasn’t reading as much as I used to. I can’t really remember what I did with my free time. I guess I was writing songs? I think I was mostly playing The Sims 3. I digress. In any case, I was in ninth grade and on the precipice of Maybe Being Cool, and this friend was one of the cooler girls in class, so I bought TFiOS (hip shorthand) about two months after its publication and read it over spring break in ninth grade. I read it in one three or four hour sitting, and I cried. Like a lot. It was the first time since early childhood that I could remember a book moving me in such a poignant way. I was attached to the characters, I was absorbed by the plot, and the language! The LANGUAGE in that story was so compelling. I was picking up on subtext and metaphors in a way that I’d only ever done when I was forced to in English class. The book had reinvigorated my love for words in stories that no other book could have. Then I took a brief reading hiatus. The second half of my ninth grade year was me continuing to ascend the social ladder, however slowly. I still joked that I was a dork, but the truth of the matter was, I had friends from every rung. I was sociable with tech geeks, theater nerds, football players, and cheerleaders alike. I felt like people had stopped looking through me like I was invisible. It was largely due to my presence on the school newspaper, which drew both the ambitious popular kids and the ambitious nerdy kids to its ranks. Also, I had a boyfriend. We never kissed or held hands or even went on dates, but we hung out every day at school and told people we were dating. This was enough to get me at least a bit of social buying power. (I promise this is all relevant to the story). Then, at the end of freshman year, I realized that I was sick of having a boyfriend who did not kiss me or hold my hand or go on dates with me, and also didn’t answer my texts or calls once school let out. So I called his house and dumped him over the phone. I spent the summer feeling sorry for myself, turning to the Internet and its thriving subculture of fame and infamy. Whenever I get heartbroken in real life, I fall deeply and inconsolably in love with fictional characters and/or celebrities who are too old for me. That summer, it was Jack and Finn Harries, Dan Howell, and any other British 20-year-old who made funny sketches and made me feel like I was loved, even though they were thousands of miles away, several years older, and had no idea who I was. It was during this summer that I discovered a channel featuring two much older men named Hank Green and John Green (yes relation, they’re brothers). Their videos were all at least somewhat informational, whether they be about politics, science, literature, or just about the personal lives of the men who made the videos. About five videos in, I realized that John Green of the vlogbrothers was John Green of TFiOS fame. I was elated! There were hundreds of videos on the channel going back to 2007. In between reading self-insert fanfic about the Harries twins, I would watch vlogbrothers videos, reminding myself to read John’s other books when I got the chance. When I returned to school, all the work that I’d done to become popular seemed to dissolve before my very eyes. Sophomore year was when we switched campuses, to the Upper School, and all the actual popular kids were going to parties with upperclassmen and trying alcohol and getting into real relationships. I was stuck in the past, pining over boys who only hung out with me so I would help them write their essays and obsessing over Tumblr and YouTube. I was also experiencing turbulence in my personal life unlike any I’d ever had before. It’s so clear to me now that I was afraid of the social rejection and emotional darkness in the real world, so I holed myself up online, laughing while handsome young Brits wore wigs on camera and rewatching John Green speed-talk his way through a fake television show he titled “Hitler and Sex.” In the midst of this Internet-ing, I read that other John Green book my old friend had mentioned, even though she’d already begun the slow and painful process of outgrowing me (the death knell of our friendship was when she told me about having sex with her boyfriend in her car and my response was some combination of a prudish, judgmental face and an exclamation of “Ew!”). Looking for Alaska leveled me just as profoundly as TFiOS had, and with no social life to worry about, I was hungry for more. I read the other books that John Green had talked about on his channel–Fahrenheit 451 and The Great Gatsby, plus other works that his recommendations had led me to, like Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, The Taming of the Shrew, and one of my all-time favorites to this day, Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut. I was reading a book almost every week, downloading them to my iPad and going back to my old habits, reading by dim light long after I should have already gone to sleep. My schoolwork wasn’t where it needed to be, but I was thriving. Awakened, even. Though my junior year marked another ascent into minor popularity, I crash-landed my senior year, coming off a painful rejection from a summer romance and a position in student government that should have won me acceptance but largely isolated me from everyone but my fellow council mates and steady friends. College applications were stressing me out, I felt alienated from even my immediate circle, and I was worried about my social future. Though I was accepted to the only two universities I applied to, I felt inert and emotionally itchy. I descended back into what I knew best: books. I read more Vonnegut, bizarre stories by delightful authors like Graeme Cameron and Douglas Coupland, and of course, my current #1 all-time, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Díaz. After my brain literally exploded from reading Oscar Wao in all its sprawling, multilingual, multigenerational, magical realistic/science fictional glory, I devoured Díaz’s two books of short stories, Drown and This Is How You Lose Her. I vividly remember those days in the spring of 2015, using my seemingly endless multitude of free periods to sit in the sweaty, iron-hot bleachers, nose burrowed in a book, ignoring the festivities of senior year around me. I was happier alone, laughing at Kurt’s crude drawings and Díaz’s matter-of-factness about love and sex, experiences I’d still yet to have at 17. I graduated, and I went to USC, where within a month of starting school I met Junot Díaz and got him to sign my copy of Oscar Wao. I dealt with the Usual College Stuff, like homesickness (from half an hour away…I’m weak) and social anxiety and academic adjustments and figuring out what the hell it actually means to major in popular music. I stopped judging people for drinking alcohol and having sex, I stopped being afraid of parties (though I’m still terrified of boys…and rightly so), I stopped being disappointed in my real life because it doesn’t follow a neat narrative (or at least I do it less now). However, I never stopped reading, and I never stopped watching vlogbrothers videos. I am a faithful nerdfighter, because that online community and John’s books have seen me through some dark times. Somewhere in the last five years, I read An Abundance of Katherines (not my favorite), Paper Towns (used to be my favorite but TFiOS ranks supreme at the moment), and Will Grayson Will Grayson (absolutely ACES but technically cowritten with David Levithan so to me it is in a separate category). I’ve watched thousands of videos from vlogbrothers and Crash Course. I went to Vidcon in 2014 and met John in person for about five seconds, handing him my business card and a #JustinCarrWantsWorldPeace luggage tag before he was escorted to his next event by security. My love of language has blossomed into three young adult manuscripts, two feature films, a handful of short films, and hundreds of poems, songs, and essays. Though my inner and outer lives have changed substantially since I first wept onto the pages of TFiOS, I’m still anxious, and often. I’m still terrified of romantic rejection and I still put myself out there frequently and embarrassingly. I’m still a bookworm and I’m still a writer and I’m still a nerdfighter. And I think I always will be. John Green and his books have a special place in my heart. So when he announced that his first new book in almost six years is coming out this fall, I was overcome with emotion. Turtles All The Way Down isn’t just a book. It’s a historical artifact from the future, a piece of my past hurtling towards me from the opposite direction. When I think of John Green’s work, I think of my cringey adolescence, my weirdly small glasses and then my weirdly big glasses, my difficulty with my weight and my stunted social development. I think of the hours I spent reblogging fan art and GIF sets of real people that I’d mythologized into characters by watching their YouTube videos for so long. I think of my transition from Cute Little Girl to Awkward Bookish Teen to Real Human Woman. I was 14 when I read my first John Green book. I will be 20 when I read Turtles All The Way Down. The chasm between who I was and who I will be then is huge. Un-crossable by anyone but me. Right now, we’re a little less than four months out from the release of Turtles All The Way Down. Not much is known about the book, and I’d like to keep it that way. I’m feeling those tingly “no spoilers!” feelings I felt when I was in high school and enamored with the purity of an untouched literary experience. But as much as this book’s impending release is inspiring a unique kind of nostalgia in me, it’s also reminding me that I cannot go back. I cannot return to the innocent girl of 14 I was when I first heard John Green’s name, and I can’t get back the years I spent/lost/lived in between then and now. I can only move forward. I can only grow up. This book, in all likelihood, will not live up to my expectations. It will not change my life. It can’t, because though it will be my first time reading this particular book, it won’t be my first time becoming infatuated with literature. I’ve done that already. I may love this book, but there is a difference between falling in love with someone new and falling in love for the very first time. Before I met books with sweaty palms, dress askew, tongue heavy in my mouth. So…come here often? Now, each story is met with a knowing smile, legs crossed at the ankles like they’re supposed to be, no lipstick on the wine glass. Your place or mine? Before this book comes out, and I form any opinions about the content or the style, I would like to extend a heartfelt thank you to John Green. If not for his careful handiwork, if not for the immense trust that he puts in his young readers, if not for his heart-wrenching stories, I might never have been drawn to great books the way I am now. Thank you for caring. Thank you for writing even when your illness handcuffed you, tried to make you stop. Thank you for making videos about hard topics and silly ones. I may grow up, but I will never outgrow you and your words, John. Keep publishing books, and I’ll keep reading them, no matter how old we both get.

via @withfeelingoncemore

#nfstories #john green #hank green #tfios #turtles all the way down #nerdfighteria #reading #submission