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47gaslamps · 2 years

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So, due to a revival of interest I was just looking through my long-abandoned crossover project, Mr. Benedict Goes to Winchester. It got way bogged down in my apparent need to develop the entire population of the orphanage and I thus can't go back to it, but I still have to give you the parts I've written out concerning the sequence where Milligan joins the Yotsuba-era task force, because they are fire.

Part 1 of 3

"And the policy for outside communications?"

"Don't make them," said L flatly.

"Why on earth do you believe I am qualified?" said Milligan, his voice extremely mild.

"Please don't pretend modesty." L plopped another cherry cordial on his tongue.

"Think of me as your sounding board," said Milligan, now sounding positively blithe.

L subsumed the cordial into his cheek with an annoyed look. "Oh, very well. The disposal of that novel explosive in the bedpost, the design of the subterranean passage and maze, the escape from Nomansan Island without benefit of long-term memory -- oh, that reminds me, there is a small matter of neurology in which I may ask your expertise..."

"You are familiar with my background, then," said Milligan, with such aggressive good cheer that L swallowed his chocolate in alarm. "Then you will understand that, from my daughter's point of view, I cannot accept any position which involves falling off the face of the earth without a word. I'm sure we can come to some accommodation which preserves the security of the investigation, but if I am mistaken, I'll just see myself out."

L reached out to pluck the next chocolate, then stopped midway, sighed, and pushed the console button for Watari.

‐-----

Milligan sighed at the click in the door. A more conventional approach than the rafters or the window, but he had long since tired of Wedy incessantly proving to Aiber and himself that she could barge into their quarters at all hours and taken strong steps to thwart it.

"Mr. Milligan."

It was not Wedy in the doorway, but L.

It took a further fraction of a second to process that it was only L.

"Ryuzaki," said Milligan. "I notice you are..." He gestured in the general direction of his right wrist. "Unencumbered."

L pulled a face. "Yes, that. Better to explain later."

"No need to explain overmuch when one has been patently ridiculous," said Milligan cheerfully.

"Be that as it may." L raised a long finger, as in warning. "Mr. Milligan, Watari reports that your phone call of eight minutes ago contained details potentially identifiable by the recipient."

Milligan grinned, a bit sheepishly. "A rooster's entitled to crow a little at the break of dawn, don't you agree?"

L tucked his hands into his pockets, and his stare was wearier than Milligan had ever seen it. "You will allow me to judge the nature of the light on the horizon, Mr. Milligan."

A fair point, as it pertained to the chain of command. It was not such a fair point insofar as Milligan had personally introduced Kira's face to the studio floor not three hours ago, but the truth still was that he had forgotten himself. "Terribly sorry, then. May I belatedly ask your assessment?"

"There are several points, few of which seem adequately conveyable at the moment, but to put it as succinctly as possible: Kyosuke Higuchi died in custody while en route to headquarters."

"Ah." Milligan did not particularly need to guess at the cause of death, and he sorely wished he had not hinted at an imminent homecoming. "What should I do?"

"Nothing, unfortunately," said L petulantly. "Whatever damage there may be, is done already."

Milligan frowned. "And you say Watari heard every word. Why would he not cut the call short?"

L gave a vague facsimile of a smile. "Watari has his own ideas of damage control." He turned on his heel. "But I won't allow you to leave such matters to chance in future."

And with a stiff-armed wave of his hand he walked out of sight, leaving Milligan to close the door.

#death note #the mysterious benedict society #background: mr benedict is teaching at wammy's house #reynie and constance have enrolled #everyone else is in a nearby townhouse

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ghirahimbo · 3 years

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beginnings

a non-specific take on how the Link and Ghirahim master/sword AU might come about. I probably won't post this one to ao3 yet in case I decide to use it in a story someday, but I liked it enough to put it here, at least :)

In the Sealed Grounds where the demon hordes had trampled the earth so recently in their violent rampage, the transition to silence was complete. The whistling chirp of birds, the buzz of insects… even the wind through the trees had gone deathly still, all caught up in breathless waiting. Only the pool of inky darkness at the center of Demise's broken prison seemed to breathe, pulsing slowly in and out with uneasy life. Small though it was compared to the spiraling pit containing it, the darkness pulled at the cloud-covered twilight as if its strength alone might dim it. Consume it.

At last, the dark pool recoiled in agitation, and from its churning depths emerged a boy in a green knight’s tunic that had certainly known more pristine days. Bloodied and bruised, yet swaying triumphantly as if standing itself was a triumph, Link stumbled out of the pit’s embrace, adjusting his wet hat to fit more firmly over the mess of hair still dripping from his watery battlefield. The sky above seemed to captivate him, and he craned his head back to stare at the darkened clouds, half in wonder, half in disbelief. Then the hilt of his sword flashed, and a shimmering blue woman emerged to float in front of him.

“Master,” she said, catching his attention. “With the defeat of the demon king Demise, there is a 95% chance that your friend Zelda has already regained consciousness.” Her voice softened almost imperceptibly. “I believe I can say with 100% certainty that she would like to know you are well.”

Link stared at her for another moment, scrubbing a hand over his mouth.

“Of course,” he murmured, and for the first time, he grinned. “Let’s go.”

Strengthened by his anticipation, Link broke into a limping run, eager to put the forsaken pit behind him—but before he could take more than a few steps, a new voice froze him in his tracks.

“Wait.”

Heart sinking like a rock, Link whirled around, one hand hovering warily over the hilt of his sword as a new figure emerged from the retreating darkness. Ghirahim’s skin glimmered like polished obsidian in the fading light, smooth and unmarred except for where fiery cracks split his chest, and a glowing diamond at its center pulsed an erratic, angry red. Cradled against his shattered core was an enormous black sword, its sharp edge not even scratching the skin where it rested against Ghirahim’s hardened arms.

Milky white eyes met tired blue in a silent clash, as if neither had the strength necessary to put words to their feud. Then, without warning, Ghirahim hefted his sword, driving it point first into the softened earth and falling to one knee before it.

“Take it.”

Link blinked, and took a wary step back.

“…What?”

“Take it.” Despite his clear exhaustion, Ghirahim’s voice had that same teasing bite to it as always, coupled now with impatience as he gestured towards the sword. “You defeated my old master Demise, which means his sword is yours to claim. Take it.”

Link stared at him, dumbfounded, and a slow smile curved across Ghirahim’s thin dark lips.

“Let me put it this way,” he said pleasantly. “This sword belongs to you whether you wish it so or not, but things will go much more… smoothly… if you take it now.”

Link shook his head as if to dismiss the notion, fixing Ghirahim with a glare.

“I already have a sword,” he said coldly, starting to turn aside, but this time a light chime from Fi made him stop.

“Master Link,” she said, her cool voice strangely gentle. “I’m afraid that I was not created to remain by your side forever. The demon king’s remaining essence is now sealed within my sword, to be carefully guarded until it is eradicated. The time of our parting will be soon.” She hesitated, and added, “Very soon.”

The first drops of rain began to fall, scattered and sparse. Link stared at Fi incredulously.

“You’re not saying I should trust him,” he said, not really a question, and Fi shook her head.

“Such judgments are not mine to make. I can only report that I sense no immediate intent to do harm from Lord Ghirahim, though whether he hopes to deceive you is less clear. Any further statements would be mere conjecture on my part.”

“Would you mind conjecting then?” Link asked, pursing his lips. After a moment, Fi nodded.

“Master Link…” Her words came with slow reluctance now. “Despite the foreordination of our partnership, I was still given the privilege of choosing you as my master. If what Ghirahim says is true and his sword has passed ownership from the demon king to you, I must surmise that he was not granted that same privilege of choosing Demise.”

“If what he says is true,” Link repeated, sparing another glare for the still-kneeling demon lord. Ghirahim had so far watched their exchange in enigmatic silence, not quite smiling, though he half raised an eyebrow at Link’s scowl. The steadily increasing rain slithered unnoticed in rivulets down his face, striking against his arms with short, metallic plinks.

“I stated that I could not discern whether he hopes to deceive you in some way, and this is true. However…” She paused in consideration. “I do sense a newfound connection between you and that sword, as well as between you and Lord Ghirahim himself. My opinion is that he is telling the truth, in this regard, at least.”

Link stared at her in dismay, and Ghirahim laughed softly.

“Your robotic guide is right, I’m afraid," he murmured. "I’ll have you know that you were not my first choice either, but I think we both know better than most how little control we have over the whims of destiny. Never in this sword’s history has it passed to a human, but it appears our thread of fate has some twists that even I could not predict.”

“There is no thread—“ Link started to say hotly, but let it go with a sigh. Even he could see how pointless finishing that sentence would be. “I suppose you come with the sword, then?”

“I am the sword,” Ghirahim said, his pale eyes glittering. Link paused only a second before nodding. After bearing Fi for so long, he understood how that worked, at least.

“If…” Link took a deep breath, glancing again at Fi. “If I take you with me… what’s to stop you from trying to kill me still?”

“I am physically incapable now of even harming you,” he said, and Link’s eyebrows shot up. A possibility much easier to disprove than prove, but…

“What about Zelda?” he demanded, and Ghirahim’s grin widened.

“On your orders, I would go so far as to guard her from harm, and catch her each time she stumbles,” he said smoothly. Link’s face darkened.

“What about—“

“Master, must we really go through every order that I will or will not obey?” Ghirahim cut him off irritably. “I will obey them all, insofar as I am able. Was it not the same with…?”

He gestured vaguely towards Fi, who looked at him.

“Fi is the designation I was given,” she said, prompting a tight grin.

“Wonderful! I didn’t need or desire to know that.”

“Wait,” Link interjected, his mind spinning slightly. “...You called me master.”

“Is he this slow all the time?” Ghirahim asked Fi incredulously. “How do you put up with it?”

Link let the insult slide, still reeling as he tried to gather his thoughts. Would Ghirahim really debase himself so far just for a chance at revenge? There were other, easier ways to go about it if that was his aim, ways involving less personal humiliation. Fi thought he was telling the truth—about some things, at least—which maybe meant…

“What am I supposed to do with that sword, anyway?” Link said abruptly. “It’s too big for me to even…”

The protest died in Link’s throat as for the first time he really looked at the sword, and licked his lips. Without his noticing, the sword had shrunk in size, though it managed to appear no less menacing despite that. If Link were to hold up his Master Sword in comparison, he doubted that there would be a hair’s difference in length.

“I told you,” Ghirahim said, and Link had to fight down a shiver that he told himself was from the rain. “My sword belongs to you now, Link. Take it.”

Once more he looked at Fi, silently questioning, but if she had an opinion on the matter her blank face gave no voice to it.

“Zelda is waiting for you,” was all she said… and somehow, that was enough.

“Fine,” Link sighed reluctantly. He didn't want to find out at that moment how Ghirahim might try to force him if he refused, and Fi was right. It was time to go. “I accept your sword.”

Trudging forward, Link grabbed it by the hilt, thinking that if worse came to worst, he could still throw it off a cliff somewhere—and felt a terribly familiar warmth surge through his palms as he pulled it free, traveling up his arms to settle somewhere in his chest. A tightness fell from Ghirahim’s face that Link hadn’t noticed until that moment, and he bowed his head forward, pressing a hand delicately against his mangled chest.

“The bonding process is now complete, master,” he said, and despite the formality of his words he had a mocking twist to his lips. “Link… my master.”

Thunder boomed overhead as lightning forked viciously across the sky, the rain falling down in sheets. Link, staring at his own black sword, noticed none of it.

#ghirahim #skyward sword #my writing #master/sword au #skyward sword spoilers #lol in case anyone is avoiding those

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axiomabstractions · 3 years

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Constructively Approaching Self Reflection: Part 2

Constructively Approaching Self Reflection: Part 2 of a Series (Raw)

Okay guys and gals. If you read this, it will quickly become apparent that I am unfinished. However, I am very tired, so I will drop my raw notes here for you all to take a look at. I’ll clean it up later, but hopefully you can see where I’m trying to go with this, for the most part. Cheers! RIP R.B.

- Aim true (an idea sourced from Jordan Peterson)

o Self-reflection is only practical insofar as it allows us to extract something useful from the examination of past choices and events

o If you’re going to spend your time looking into the past for answers, it is best if those answers equip you with strategies to produce better outcomes for yourself in the future.

o The more consistently you can produce desirable outcomes for yourself, the less time will need to be spent evaluating why or how things went wrong, because things will simply go wrong less often.

o Therefore, I would argue, the most important role of self-reflection is to is to equip each of us with carefully constructed methodologies, by which we may more reliably replicate the results in our lives we most desire.

o As each one of us becomes more familiar with the process of extracting effective strategies from the blunderous results past endeavors, so too do we become increasingly capable of performing self-examination intuitively, in the present moment.

o We become increasingly able to see our mistakes as they occur, and correct for those mistakes with punctuality, precision, and grace.

o All of this hinges on our ability to frame our examination of the past through the lens of self-scrutiny.

o This requires the removal of ego. We must aim to first identify where we were possibly wrong or misguided, then to modify our decision making process accordingly

- Be honest with yourself

o This is not always easy, because the truth of things is often not readily apparent

o A good place to start is to simply be honest about whether or not the outcomes you experienced were desirable.

o In the case that the outcomes you experienced in your past were unsatisfactory to you, the next thing you must be honest with yourself about is to what degree your actions played a role in producing those outcomes.

o What could you have possibly done differently to be more successful in getting what you wanted? What parts of the situation under examination were in your control? What aspects of your experience provide an opportunity for you to learn, grow, and improve?

o Even further, it is vital that we honestly examine whether the things we desire themselves are actually of service to us. Not only should the things we desire be of good service to us as individuals, at the very least, they should also NOT be a disservice to others. This is one of the most vital elements, and must not be overlooked. At the very LEAST, what we desire must not be of disservice to others. At best, what we desire should serve others as well as ourselves in producing better outcomes for all people involved.

- If any of us can even hope to produce better outcomes for others, we must first aim to understand. We must understand how, if at all, our actions produced an undesirable experience for someone else. If my behavior lessened the quality of your experience, how so? Did it make you angry? Sad? Frustrated? Did it somehow otherwise disrupt your state of happiness and peace? How was it that my behavior made you feel? Go through the whole process of who? What? When? Where? Why? How?. I know this is super elementary, but I believe it is very important. “Who?” is already answered: Me. My behavior. How did it make you feel? What specifically about what I did made you feel that way? Was it what I said? Some physical contact I imposed upon you that you didn’t appreciate? A face I made at you? Cold body language? What did I do that made you feel this way, specifically? And finally why did it make you feel this way? (I will omit “When?” and “Where?” because I feel those have a more much more circumstantial relevance, thus I do not see the place for a general principal derived from the asking of those questions)

- We must be able to both ask and answer these questions with the intention of working together to produce better outcomes for one another. This process not only requires a certain degree of sophisticated language, it also requires a familiarity with understanding and describing ones own feelings. One of the greatest travesties I see in today’s society, particularly education and parenting, is that we are not successfully, intentionally equipping our children with this most essential tool kit for interacting cooperatively with one another. For children to grow within a social framework which denies them these tools, means they are increasingly likely to mature into adults lacking the wherewithal to forge into the future peacefully with one another.

- The only essential obstacle we have in our environment is how we choose to treat each other as human beings. We have long since extracted the means from our environment to eliminate all other immediate threats to our infinite propagation as a species, possibly excluding climate change. The only remaining growth to achieve on this planet is the perspectives we hold, and the resultant attitudes toward each other we express. If we simply solve this, together, we will surely overcome all other perceived threats to our survival. We have the intelligence, we have the infrastructure, we have the technology, and we have sufficiently sophisticated channels through which we are able to exchange vital information with one another.

#unity #perspective #communication #coordination #cooperation

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princessofmerchants · 3 years

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Nesta and the Mother, and Nesta's powers post-ACOSF

The darkness seemed to rise and fall. Like it was breathing. The hair on her arms rose. Bryaxis was gone. Set loose into the world. Even Feyre and Rhysand’s hunting hadn’t retrieved the thing that was Fear itself. And yet the darkness remained. It pulsed, tendrils of shadow drifting upward. She’d stared too long into its depths. It might gaze back. But she didn’t move from the rail. Couldn’t remember how she’d come down this far, or which book she still held in her hands. There was night, and there was the darkness of extinguishing a candle, and then there was this. Not only the true absence of light, but … a womb. The womb from which all life had come and would return, neither good nor evil, only dark, dark, dark. Nesta. Her name drifted to her as if rising from the depths of some black ocean. Nesta. It slid along her bones, her blood. She had to pull back. Pull away. The darkness pulsed, beckoning. “Nesta.” She whirled, nearly dropping the book over the edge. Gwyn was standing there, eyeing her. “What are you doing?” Heart thundering, Nesta twisted toward the darkness, but—it was only that. Murky darkness, through which she could now barely make out the sublevels beneath. As if the thick, impenetrable black had vanished. “It … I …”

—ACOSF Chapter 15

I am rereading and have reached this scene in the library, but with the knowledge of what happens at the end of the book.

I have questions and thoughts!

Nesta is hearing someone in her head address her by name in this scene. Is the voice she is hearing the Mother?

I propose that it is, since to our knowledge the only voice that speaks to her from within her experiences of her power is the Mother (I think, anyway).

She wouldn't know that here though, and as the passage indicates, the feeling she receives from the darkness is neither good nor evil, even as it unnerves her, understandably, as elements of what she's experiencing here are similar to her perceptions and experience from when she was inside the Cauldron.

We also learn toward the end of the book, when Nesta finds out that she Made the House of Wind, that in a sense the House is like an extension of her, and her acceptance of the House, including its heart of darkness, and the House's acceptance of her, through acts of what we learn are in fact self care, are actually Nesta learning to accept and love herself.

This revelation, as a lens through which to read these moments in the library when the darkness speaks to her, makes me wonder if the Mother is in fact speaking to her throughout this book.

To our knowledge, the House doesn't speak in words, in her head or anyone else's, but expresses itself in actions. So I don't think the voice Nesta hears here is the House, except insofar as perhaps Nesta herself is in a kind of communion with the Mother already, and doesn't know it.

By extension, I wonder if there might come a time when the Mother might speak through Nesta, not where Nesta is an empty vessel conduit, but more like the kind of communing that occurs between confidants who love and trust each other, who advise and guide and maybe even challenge each other. Nesta as the earth-bound speaker for the Mother.

I also wonder what, if anything, is the difference between the Cauldron and the Mother. I think in the final scenes of the book Nesta refers to them almost interchangeably? Unless it's that the Cauldron (as the source of her original power) directs the magic to heal and save Feyre and Nyx, but then the Mother intervenes and touches Nesta on her back and gives some power back.

I'm realizing that if we ever get Elain's POV of her time in the Cauldron we would get so much insight into this, since her power transfer is framed as a gift.... from the Cauldron? (In ACOWAR it's the Cauldron's awareness that "likes" Elain at the end of the Battle of Hybern.) Or the Mother?

I'll be paying close attention to the other times Nesta hears this voice in her head during this book, and I'll probably build on this theory as I go.

But my working theory right now is that the Mother is more directly involved in Nesta's life, in and through her powers and her healing process, than she is aware of, and so the Mother gifting Nesta some power back at the end was not an afterthought, but instead was incredibly intentional and likely very important heading into the post-ACOSF books.

~Edited to remove the visual spoiler warnings at the top of the post~

#acosf spoilers #acosf #a court of silver flames #post acosf #nesta archeron #house of wind #the mother #cauldron #elain archeron #healing power #healing journey #acotar theory #acotar thoughts

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robotlesbianjavert · 2 years

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I posted 5,605 times in 2021

368 posts created (7%)

5237 posts reblogged (93%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 14.2 posts.

I added 3,747 tags in 2021

#chainsaw man - 666 posts

#bnha - 625 posts

#horror - 505 posts

#happy the angel is gay day - 341 posts

#shipping - 338 posts

#community - 333 posts

#video - 303 posts

#spinner - 237 posts

#shigaraki tomura - 209 posts

#beast wars - 190 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#not to sound like i am not united with my coworkers but maybe someone should check a calendar and not preemptively book the day before askin

My Top Posts in 2021

god i wish iharu had learned about kaiju i want a legitimate trend of kafka being “wow i’m so glad i can find acceptance and encouragement in my dream work field despite skewing higher on the age demographic as a thirty-two year old man” while all these young prodigies are following him around like fierce ducklings with like, knives for beaks and guns for wings going “if we don’t protect this stupid old geezer then who will?”

110 notes • Posted 2021-01-09 20:51:03 GMT

spinner is the second in command of the lov if the lov actually had that kind of structuring right we all know that.

120 notes • Posted 2021-05-23 03:43:56 GMT

i just think, as an expert, that spinner would absolutely indulge in an unrequited love. not like actually unrequited but he would absolutely go all out in seeing himself as a brooding, pining, tragic hero who would put everything on the line to see shigaraki safe and happy (insofar as shigaraki can be) even if his pure and untainted love can never be returned.

in this scenario shigaraki is constantly constructing scenarios that necessitate spinner being shirtless or having to cuddle up together and he’s in no way subtle about his intentions, but spinner will be too caught up in roleplaying his heartbroken yet noble inner turmoil to pay attention.

140 notes • Posted 2021-10-02 02:07:42 GMT

obsessed with the idea of spinner going through a series of costume changes based off whatever serial killer he wants to ravage him at the moment while shigaraki is standing there “i literally have a higher kill count than all of them combined and i’m your boyfriend why don’t you ever cosplay me” and spinner’s just like. “sorry babe you just have really bad fashion sense :/”

156 notes • Posted 2021-01-09 23:50:43 GMT

wanna be perfectly clear that not getting MVA right now like i deserve isn’t the only reason the rearrangement of portraying the Endeavour’s Agency arc first is bad. even tho it’s a very prominent reason.

based off the shigaraki appearance and seeing hawks in the next episode preview, it seems like however they transition into MVA is going to be “oh the league is plotting something dastardly - how did they get to the point of being able to plot somehting so dastardly? how did they get these new allies? find out in this flashback arc!” which would be fine if it didn’t completely reframe the arc in order to continue seeing the league as antagonists first, potentially sympathetic characters second.

the way we transition to MVA in the manga, the last dastardly incident that the league was involved in that needs answers would have been hood-chan’s frolicking, but that is more associated with dabi anyways. by the time we approach the arc, we have 1) a mysterious new group specifically targeting the league by holding an ally of theirs hostage, 2) reintroduced to the league being battered by my good friend machia, 3) and them killing fantasy racists so you can still see them doing bad things but not really feel too bad about it, cuz it’s just fantasy racists and 4) they are destitute and without the resources to do anything particularly dastardly. with all of that framing in mind, the story primes the reader to see the league as our temporary protagonists, makes it easier to sympathize and understand them and see the cracks in society that led to them committing the crimes that they do, even as they are very much definitely still villains.

in the anime, by showing us ahead of time that the league has recently had some big victory, that they have these mysterious new allies, that hawks has infiltrated them (obvious in the next ep preview where we see glimpses of skeptic and slidin’ go), you lose that sympathetic setup in favour of the “how did our villains get here” stroke. not only that, but you lose a lot of the tension of MVA - how is the league going to get out of this situation? are all of them going to survive? the villains outside of shigaraki (and dabi for this arc only bc he obviously had the todoroki arc going for him) didn’t have guaranteed plot armor, and we’ve already seen magne be murdered as a means to raise the stakes for the overhaul arc. if horikoshi didn’t have plans for everyone in the league and needed to trim some excess, then this arc would have been the perfect time to do so. god knows that i was worried for spinner and compress the entire time. they were stuck in a fight against an overwhelming enemy while shigaraki was already strained to his limits after his bouts with machia, where even twice’s quirk being unleashed only just managed to level the playing field, where the only possible other ally they had was a giant brute also eager to crush them.

the point here is that this is a really dumb decision. like objectively.

254 notes • Posted 2021-06-19 18:53:19 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review #CHAINSAW MAN 666 BABESSSSSSSSS

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akechicrimes · 4 years

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loki appreciation agenda continues because i am speculating on the reasons why goro can change outfits. this is a super speculation-heavy post on goro’s outfit-changing abilities based on theories that loki was created through experimentation to force goro to awaken a second persona, and i don’t think i can necessarily “prove” anything in this post, but the lore on how personas work surprisingly checks out so it’s plausible if nothing else.

anyway, i think goro has two different outfits because he awakened to his “first” persona, twice.

explanation under cut:

(FIRST of all, i know there’s doylist explanations for why certain characters get new outfits and others don’t. this is a watsonian explanation because i have goro akechi brainworms and i cannot stop thinking about my boy.)

the basic premise is that your outfit is something you get when you have the will to rebel. outfits manifest when you’re in a palace that sees you as an enemy, thus activating your rebellious spirit to tell them to suck a dick.

that rebellious spirit comes from a moment of resolve: knowing that you don’t want to die, knowing what it is that you fight for, and knowing whose ass you want to beat. usually, then the character manifests a mask, hears the voice of their persona inside them, and they rip it off.

the will of rebellion also typically triggers a character awakening to their first persona. i’m going to call it the starter persona.

insofar as i can tell, a starter persona is a very specific type of persona that comes from a very specific type of phenomenon:

the manifestation of your resolve/will of rebellion

the persona you get when you awaken to your persona-using abilities for the first time

the first form of your persona

a persona that is unique to you and your soul

theoretically a persona that comes from within you, rather than an external source (e.g. shadow negotiations or the velvet room)

a persona gained under extreme duress marking a drastic resolve in oneself

a starter persona is not:

an evolved edition of your starter persona due to a moderate change in yourself (second-tier/third-tier awakening)

a new persona gained through capturing a shadow (akira’s new personas)

a new persona gained through fusing pre-existing personas (velvet room)

when a second-tier persona occurs, or a new persona is gained through shadow capture or fusing, a new outfit is not gained, because outfits come with the starter persona only.

so my theory is that robin hood and loki are both “starter” personas, even though loki was gained ostensibly way, way after goro had awakened to his general ability to summon personas. loki is not a persona that was gained through shadow negotiations or the velvet room, and loki is not an evolved form of robin hood, since robin hood and loki coexist and first-tier personas disappear when they turn into second-tier personas.

loki is basically as if goro underwent his first awakening, but a second time, and that’s why there’s a separate outfit for him, in the same way that all the phantom thieves get an outfit when they awaken for the first time.

and now i’m going to go into way too much detail about how starter personas are a very hyper-specific phenomenon that are different from the wild card ability to gain multiple personas and are also different from second-tier awakenings:

CASE ONE: wild cards

wild cards demonstrate very well that starter personas are unique in that they’re created from within a persona user, whereas other personas that wild cards can wield must come from outside sources. and even for wild cards who have six jillion personas, they really only have one starter persona (and in akira’s case, one accompanying outfit).

i think it’s alright to assume there’s something unique about arsene in relation to akira, in the same way that izanagi is unique to souji or orpheus is unique to minato. every other persona that these wild cards get have to be gotten from either capturing shadows in the wild, or from fusing captured shadows in the velvet room. they’re personas that are found from outside of the wild card, and then taken in to become one of the wild card’s masks.

by contrast, arsene, izanagi, and orpheus seem to come from “within” the wild cards, in the same way that any non-wildcard undergoes an awakening to pull a persona from inside themselves. arsene, izanagi, and orpheus aren’t gained through capturing a pre-existing shadow or fusing pre-existing shadows. so even though akira and other wild cards can wield multiple personas, all of them only have one starter persona.

i’d theorize that, although wild cards have the ability to wield many different masks, the other personas are more like impermanent additions to the general ability to wield multiple personas, which comes with the starter persona. (arsene and izanagi in particular seems really stick around even when you fuse him away, especially since arsene comes back in a second-tier awakening as satanael and izanagi as izanagi-no-okami.)

(NOW THAT I’VE SAID THAT, according to persona lore, all personas come from the sea of the soul! i did not forget. when i’m making the distinction between a persona that comes from “within” a persona user and a persona that has to be found externally, i mean that all shadows/personas ultimately come from the vast sea of the soul/collective unconscious that connects all human beings, but these personas get obtained through different ways: starter personas seem to be summoned from the sea of the soul entirely internally, whereas other shadows have to be summoned from the sea of the soul from either finding them in palaces, mementos, or the velvet room.)

akira, obviously, does not get a new outfit every time he gets a new persona, although that would have been cool as fuck. the outfit happens only when the starter persona is awakened--the persona from within akira, rather than a persona he acquired from the outside.

CASE TWO: general persona users and second tier awakenings

normal persona users don’t have the ability to find external shadows and make them into their own persona. normal persona users have only their starter persona which they got from within themselves, in the same way arsene is unique to akira, and are born from a moment of internal resolve. their personas are all “internal affairs,” so to speak.

normal persona users also have the option of a second-tier awakening, though. second-tier awakenings involve only the starter persona, a new resolve in the character, and again seem to be a persona that comes from “within.” so it seems a bit like the persona user has “awakened” a second time. it’s certainly an entirely internal event, requiring no additional personas obtained from palaces, mementos, or the velvet room.

but the second-tier persona is not an entirely new starter persona. second-tier personas are just their pre-existing already-awakened starter personas changing into a slightly different persona with the same abilities. second-tier personas inherit all the stats and abilities from the first as well, a bit as if it’s just the starter persona in a different form. so although the phantom thieves “awaken” a second time, it’s not so much an awakening so much as it is just an evolution of a pre-existing persona.

this makes sense in terms of the “personas manifest as a will/resolve to rebel” logic, too. it’s not necessarily that they manifested an entirely new resolve to rebel; their pre-existing resolve to rebel just evolved, changed, or was reaffirmed.

there’s also a visual cue for this: awakening a starter persona is a whole fucking deal involving a stressful situation, thinking you’re going to die, usually having to face some asshole in your life who abused you, hearing voices, screaming, manifesting your mask and ripping your face off. second-tier awakenings don’t involve this lmao. god could you imagine if it did. it’d actually be so funny tbh

second-tier awakenings, also, seem to be a phenomenon specific to “starter” personas, or personas obtained from within. you wouldn’t see a persona that akira got from a shadow negotiation evolve in the same way that arsene evolves into satanael, or carmen evolves into hecate, or izanagi evolves into izanagi-no-okami. you could argue that “high pixie” is a second-tier of “pixie,” but there’s no way to make pixie have new resolve and evolve into high pixie like a pokemon; pixie would have to be fused with some other persona to create high pixie. personas obtained through external means have to be fused with other personas, or absorb the life force of other personas through executions.

anyway, to get back to the point about goro’s two-outfit deal, second-tier awakenings also don’t get you new outfits. which makes sense if we assume that outfits come with obtaining a starter persona, since second-tier awakenings are just your starter persona evolving and is not actually an event in which you obtain an entirely new starter persona.

CASE THREE: haru and sumire

weird fact i forgot until i wrote this meta!! but both haru and sumire are cases of people who got their outfits and a “semi-awakening” to their personas, that then led to a period of not quite being able to actually summon their persona. so, from what we can understand, their will to rebel is there, just not solidified enough to manifest a persona.

morgana, our resident lore expert, tells us that when haru has her outfit but not her persona, milady is more or less there already, just confused due to conflicted feelings about haru’s father, and therefore can’t fully take shape. so she can sort of summon milady, but just not in an effective way that can deal battle damage.

personally i think this is just the atlus writers creating a reason to have haru in the palace in cute clothes without having her go through an awakening, so that she could awaken later for full dramatic effect. but since morgana went to such lengths to explain the mechanics of it and tell us that milady is technically already there, it’s a really interesting case study that demonstrates outfits are not something that are specific to having a starter persona, but doesn’t guarantee that that persona can be summoned.

the same thing happens to sumire: she gets her outfit sometime in october, and for some reason can use cendrillon up until she remembers that she’s sumire and not kasumi. then she winds up in a state like haru’s, where she has an outfit, has the will to rebel, and technically even has cendrillon, but she just can’t summon cendrillon. then she has to go through the whole song and dance of ripping her face off to awaken to cendrillon (which might be kasumi’s soul depending on the interpretation of the scene). and of course, from there her starter persona can have a second-tier and third-tier awakening to vanadis and ella.

but it looks like the same case as haru, ultimately: she technically had cendrillon, but wasn’t able to use it or manifest it because her resolve was jank as fuck with all her identity issues.

SO BASICALLY:

what i’m getting at is that the outfits come from awakening to a starter persona only.

a starter persona is, as shown above, a hyper-specific phenomenon in which you pull a persona out of your soul, as opposed to capturing an external shadow and adding it to your pre-existing persona abilities, or transforming your pre-existing persona into a new one. awakening your "first” persona is a thing that happens only when you dig up all the weird sediment from your soul when you think you’re going to die, generally. starter personas come from a moment of internal resolution, and the resulting persona seems to be unique to that person and the circumstances of the persona’s awakening.

really, it’s such a theatrical ordeal, too. like i mentioned before, starter personas get obtained through this WHOLE fucking ritual involving stress, hearing the voice of your persona inside you, manifesting your mask, ripping your face off, manifesting your outfit, etc, etc. (i think it’s fairly important to note that ripping the mask off is the first instance of the larger outfit showing up, too; the mask itself, the outfit, and the starter persona seem to come hand in hand.)

we already know that loki is not a second-tier awakening of robin hood, because robin hood co-exists with loki. we also know that loki is not a persona gained through shadow negotiation or fusion, because external personas that are gained through those methods don’t come with an outfit.

so it really looks like goro just manifested the internal will to rebel, and the accompanying new outfit and entirely new persona, twice.

this, actually, fits really well with the medical experimentation thing, since starter personas, the will to rebel, and the outfit seem to come from stressful situations, where the persona user, in an attempt to not die, pulls a new persona out of their soul from no external source. if the featherman game is implying what i think it is, shido’s scientists and maybe wakaba were trying to force a persona out of goro with stress and trauma, in the same way that you’d manifest a persona for the first time. these scientists were not handing him shadows to turn into personas, like how the wild card is intended to be used. these scientists were not trying to transform robin hood into a new form, like how a second-tier awakening is supposed to work. they were inducing the same conditions that you’d need to awaken a persona for the first time.

it also makes sense from an in-universe perspective, because i’m assuming that, since goro and these cognitive psientists didn’t know jack shit about the metaverse at the time, goro just told them what he knew about persona awakenings: he awoke to robin hood under duress, he reached into his soul, found robin hood there, did a bunch of yelling, pulled off his face, BAM. robin hood. so the scientists said, well, if you wanna see a phenomenon a second time, you might as well recreate the conditions from the first time, right? make him pull off his face again and see what happens.

that would explain how loki is unique to him, in the same way that arsene is unique to akira, or any of the other personas are unique to their phantom thieves. it would explain why there’s an accompanying outfit to go with loki as well--it’s literally an entirely different “first” awakening, as if he manifested the ability to summon a persona twice, rather than just adding on new personas to his pre-existing ability. and it also explains how he has two unique personas that are separate from each other.

it also explains why he never seems to, say, use robin hood while in the black mask outfit, and why he never uses loki while in the white crow outfit. it’s not a cosmetic choice; the outfit is tied to the persona he’s using at the time. the outfit is tied to the separate awakening, and the separate “first” persona that was generated from that awakening. (EDIT: goro does actually use loki very briefly while still in the white crow outfit during his boss battle, although presumably loki is not “fully” summoned because loki is blacked out/colored strangely/vaguely see-through.)

(meanwhile, hereward doesn’t get a new outfit to match him because he’s a tiered transformation awakening. a pre-existing power gets transformed. hereward even existing is also good evidence that robin hood and loki are “starter” personas rather than personas gained through external means, since shadows obtained through mementos/palaces/velvet room don’t get tiered evolutions.)

which is a really interesting bastardization of the wild card ability, if that’s actually what happened. because he’s a wild card with the ability to wield multiple personas, he was able to awaken for the “first” time twice and wield two different personas, but in an extremely corrupted way, not at all the way that wild card abilities are intended to be used.

and i know that this is all just speculation at this point, but it does make hereward look a little bit like goro managed to finally fuse together the two “corrupted” halves of his wild card ability into a singular, whole persona. something or other--growth can only occur when thesis and antithesis synthesize? ...something like that.

anyway i’ve never felt so much like matpat in my life.

#mine #meta

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sparrowmoth · 3 years

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😈🎞🖤⚔️ for the ask game!

Thank you, @hoodpane! ♥️ 😈 Favorite villain parent?

You know....... it’s Cruella. Which is funny because she often reminds me of someone I loathe right down to my soles, but I mean. That’s part of why I like her, I guess? It’s complicated lol. She’s... interesting to me. I find her kind of heartbreaking, actually. She’s something that I love but full of rot and disease and that compels me, if that makes any sense. She had so much potential and her narrative raises so many questions of whether it was somehow her fate to become as evil as she did or if she chose that whole-heartedly and yeah, I just absolutely love getting into her head and exploring what makes her Like That.™

🎞 Favorite scene?

Oh god, this is so hard lmao. UMMM. Every scene with Carlos?? jkldjksjkgldg

I keep wanting to be like “oh! what about-- wait, no, what about--” I JUST LOVE A LOT OF SCENES. If it involves Core Four bonding or Jaylos or OH OH OH Carlos being cute and sunny when Jay comes in with his jersey? Y e a h. Andddd I like watching that scene when Carlos asks Jay for dating advice, but I like watching it on mute so I can pretend it’s gay. Also the limo scene. Also the museum scene(s). All of it.... I just love all of it. Yeah.

🖤 Least favorite popular ship?

Oooh, that’d be Jay x Gil and yeah, it’s a little bit because Gil gets in the way of my OTP, I’m not ashamed to admit that lmao. It’s not JUST that though. Like, I am all about polyamory, but I can’t get behind Jay x Carlos x Gil either. I just... why?? Gil is so cute as part of the Sea OT3. That’s his crew. They’ve loved and cared for him so long. Gil having a crush on Jay? Cute! Jay spontaneously deciding he’s going to pull a “whole new world” with Gil as a consolation prize for the fact that we couldn’t have Jaylos be canon because fuck Disney? No. :)

No shade at people who like this ship, it’s just not for me. I won’t read anything tagged Jay x Gil unless it’s about Jay breaking up with him for Carlos lmao. >>

⚔️ Unpopular opinion about Descendants?

Hmm, hmmmm. Audrey and Ben weren’t in love. Their body language in D1, the way they look at each other... it’s so fake. I think people pull from the books when they make the claim that these two loved each other and that’s fair at least insofar as I think book!Audrey did love Ben. But I don’t think Ben ever loved Audrey, and... Okay, here’s the thing... and keep in mind that I like Ben, but I still feel very strongly about this: Ben was emotionally cheating on Audrey by the start of D1. Even if you aren’t aware of the book!canon establishing how Ben and Mal were dreaming of each other, the intro scene shows this pretty clearly IMO. Audrey knows it, too. She shows possessive body language because she sees the way Ben is reacting to Mal.

And here’s the other thing! Everyone points fingers at Audrey and Mal when they talk about this stuff. Why though? Ben has a good heart, sure, but he’s not perfect. Mal wasn’t flirting when they stepped out of the limo. You can see her assessing Ben’s behaviour towards her with a very guarded expression, but she’s not flirting. Ben though? Ben was flirting. And again, Audrey saw it. She was trying to stop him and he was pulling away from her. When they get into the school, he literally tugs out of her grip at one point and puts distance between them to communicate to Mal that he’s not invested in his relationship. The way Audrey looks at him in that moment? Betrayal. But she tries to save face by fake smiling at Mal. And IMO the only reason someone as headstrong as Audrey didn’t break up with Ben on the spot is that both their families are in such positions of power, it would have been a huge scandal. Especially to accuse Ben, the future king, of being potentially unfaithful to his girlfriend...? Audrey wasn’t just saving face for herself and her family, she was saving Ben’s reputation as a perfect prince charming. It’s all about image in Auradon, after all.

I’d like to think Ben wouldn’t have straight up cheated on her if the love spell hadn’t happened, but as far as canon goes, I think it’s just a simple fact to say that he would have broken up with Audrey for Mal. And if that had happened, people would still blame Mal for it. Almost like society hates women or something. Wild. 🍵🍵🍵

#hoodpane #<3 #ask games #descendants fandom #baudrey*#bal*#anti-gilxjay #ben discourse #new tag specifically for this post lmao #seriously I don't hate ben #but I'm low-key sick of seeing all the girls 'held accountable' for shit that they're just reacting to #I struggle to vibe with Audrey's character but I WILL fight for her right to be respected #Ben should have broken up with her in private the SECOND he started dreaming about another girl #he's a sweet guy but he's also a dumb teenage boy who needs to learn some respect for women #I am placing the blame for THAT on his father #*sips tea*

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desdemonafictional · 3 years

Text

The Squire of Gothos

Here’s a little Lost Light Scene that may or may not grow into a longer fic, eventually, with megarung banter

Megatron was recharging. In his recharge flux, he was dreaming. In his dreams, the cart haulers were taking their loads up into the sunshine on an endless uphill tread, Megatron among them, his cargo space full of crackling brittle nucleon ore. The haulers were singing a working song as they went*. Up ahead the day was a yellow promise glimpsed dimly between the pillars of the mineshaft door, no closer now than it had been a chorus before.

The dream shattered abruptly at the sound of a klaxxon, and Megatron jolted upright on his berth slab. The hallway to the command center was empty of crewmates, and Megatron was unhappy to see that when he forced open the door to the bridge, the bridge was empty too.

Ah, except for one.

“Rung,” he greeted, letting the abused automatic door slide shut behind him on its own. The klaxxon fell silent behind it.

“Captain,” Rung said, sparing him the polite smile that few would have bothered with. He was ensconced at the surveillance station, tapping over and over again at the apparently unhelpful screen. “You’ve arrived just in time for the sitting around and waiting portion of the misadventure, I’m afraid.”

Megatron watched him with a faint smile. He’d pulled his glasses off in order to better squint at the screen display, prodigious eyebrows furrowed.

“I hope it’s not another one of your ex-colleagues,” Megatron said, settling himself smoothly into the captain’s chair at the center of the bridge. “We barely survived the last one.”

“I shouldn’t think there’s any therapist with the ability to dematerialize an entire bridgecrew off their ship in one go,” Rung said, “although who knows, the last one certainly caught me by surprise…”

“Do you know where they’ve been dematerialized to?” Megatron asked.

“Insofar as I can interpret these readings,” Rung said, with pronounced frustration, “it seems like they’re down on that little planetoid, with the absurd energy readings. Rodimus got a call off to me, a moment ago. Something about a scheme or a bet, I couldn’t quite follow. I’m given to understand he’s working on extricating the group.”

Megatron rested his jaw in the L of his thumb and forefinger. While there certainly wasn’t a lot of love lost between Megatron and the majority of the crew, he was captain, and a captain did have certain responsibilities. And anyway, Rodimus was down there. Someone should really save him before he had the chance to do something characteristically reckless.

“Perhaps we should fire on the planet,” Megatron said, considering a nexus of options. “We do have weapons, although not on a planetary scale. Still, enough damage to the surface might-”

“Absolutely not,” Rung said, whipping around from the station, glasses still pushed up on his helm. “Even setting aside the foolhardiness of bringing weapons into a conflict you know nothing about, our crewmates are down there. You don’t know what chain reaction you might ignite.”

Megatron frowned.

“I am the captain here,” he reminded Rung, “not you. In fact, as you have recently abdicated your post, you have no authority at all to tell me what I may or may not do aboard this ship.”

Rung looked at him with surprise. Then he set his expression smooth. “May I remind you then,” he said, “that you are in fact a co-captain, officially speaking, and your fellow co-captain in down there on that planet you’re thinking of launching a missile into.”

“Well I was only thinking of it,” Megatron said, dryly. “Besides, he’s gone, and I’m not.”

“He’s not dead, he’s just popped down to rendezvous with some alien intelligence,” Rung retorted. “And he’s still got the helm, so in point of order, if he wants that planet bombed, I’ll need to hear it from him.”

Megatron raised his brows. “Very stubborn aren’t you,” he said. “You could give Ultra Magnus a run for his credit, I dare say. I suppose it comes in handy to be able to talk circles around whatever daft idea your patients dream up.”

Rung flushed, very brightly blue-green, as if he found the suggestion objectionable, but then abruptly he sagged. He reached up and pulled his glasses back down over his handsome optics. “I don’t do that anymore,” he said, “I told you.”

“I can’t say I understand why,” Megatron replied, “you were doing as good of a job before Froid as you would be doing after him. Nothing material has changed. I find it… troubling, that you would turn your license over just to punish yourself.”

“That’s not why-” Rung started, and then he dug his fingers into the corners of his faceplate. “You’re only saying that because you don’t understand why someone would approach a therapist in the first place.”

Megatron struggled to find an appropriate retort. He didn’t, actually, understand the appeal. But it seemed to be important to Whirl, among others, and whatever kept Whirl out of his target sights must have some merit to it in his mind.

“I suppose it’s as good an opportunity as any to make… friends,” Megatron said, by way of graceful retreat. “I keep being told that it’s the central autobot experience. And here I had thought that was flashy acts of martyrdom.”

“Making friends is what got me into this state,” Rung muttered, turning away.

Megatron tracked him with keen optics. He did wonder what the circumstances had been, but he imagined they were mundane at the heart of it. But then Rung said nothing else, either way, and though Megatron wasn’t particularly curious about the politics of therapeutic licensure, it began to bother him that Rung didn’t say anything else, one way or the other.

He became very annoyed with himself for caring, and then very annoyed with himself for being annoyed with himself, because he was supposed to be taking an interest, and he quite liked Rung, as far as players went in this prison of nonsense that now served to characterize his life.

“Without patients, you’ll have to find some way of filling the hours,” Megatron remarked. “I’ve heard Swerve is hosting some absurd social event… rapid mating, was it….”

Rung made a noise like a lever getting stuck in a gear, and thumped himself on the chest until it gave way. “Speed dating,” he said, weakly.

Megatron frowned. That was not what Ravage had said. “Just as well if it doesn't involve orgies or any such,” he decided. “I had deeply begun to worry about the state of Autobot debauchery.”

In fact he had asked Ultra Magnus, very delicately, about the whole thing, and been somewhat aggrieved that all he’d gotten for his trouble was Ultra Magnus quoting subsection I.QE* and making hasty retreat to the safety of a sprinkler inspection.

“I doubt Swerve would agree to the cleanup,” Rung said, sounding a bit faint.

---

* A liberal English translation of this song might go: “work all night on a drink of rum/daylight come and me wanna go home”

* “We Won’t Ask If You Don’t Tell”

#megarung #transformers

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destroyyourbinder · 5 years

Link

I want to thank Jacob for his enormous bravery in speaking out publicly about how the “puberty blocker” (GnRH agonist) protocol and the medicalization of his identity affected him as a struggling trans teenager.

I want to note before I share the article that stories like Jacob’s are being politicized by groups like Mermaids (the primary transgender child lobbying organization in the UK) to claim that while "blockers” are “safe” and “reversible” and ought to be immediately provided to trans children who are beginning puberty, that any problems with GnRH agonists indicates that clinicians should begin cross-sex hormone treatment early. Organizations such as Mermaids and various other groups in the US frequently claim that there ought to be no formal lower age bound for the initiation of cross-sex HRT (i.e. testosterone for female children, estrogen and an anti-androgen drug for male children) and Johanna Olson-Kennedy (a pediatric gender “expert” and head of the gender clinic at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles) advocates regularly for female children to receive testosterone at twelve and has possibly given children as young as 8 testosterone treatment. So in sharing this kid’s story, I want to be careful, since there is a real danger that exposing the harms of using GnRH agonists such as Lupron on gender-variant children will lead to a change in strategy where these children are merely dosed early with cross-sex hormones, a protocol that to my knowledge that we have zero long-term data on. (Children are given GnRH agonists as a means to halt precocious puberty, and in fact, these drugs are approved for this purpose, so we have some data on their effects already. As far as I know, there has been no previous medical reason to give female children testosterone or male children anti-androgens and estrogen.) The article is behind a paywall but I am transcribing it here: Puberty blocking drugs: ‘For the past four years I’ve been stuck as a child’ Jacob has just turned 16 and for the past four years the teenager’s body has been put on pause. He has been on hormone blockers to stop puberty while he decides how far he is willing to go to become a transgender man.

He claims that taking blockers was “the worst decision I’ve ever made”.

Jacob was born a girl but felt unhappy with his gender. “I always felt so weak and pathetic and inferior to the men.” He started using the male pronoun and imagined himself growing up and “dating a woman”.

When Jacob became one of thousands of young adolescents to be referred for puberty blockers by the NHS’s main gender clinic for children he was delighted. “It was sold to me as a miracle cure for being trans,” he claimed. He told another trans school friend about them, who started requesting blockers too.

Hormone blockers are only licensed in Britain to delay the onset of puberty for children suffering “precocious puberty” — that is, those who start developing abnormally early before the age of eight or nine.

However, their use is promoted by the transgender campaign group Mermaids as a way of giving young people “a pause button” while deciding whether to graduate to the irreversible, cross-sex hormones that will trigger the life-changing, fertility-reducing jump from one gender to another, once they reach 16. The vast majority of children who begin blockers go on to take that step.

Blockers are physically reversible, insofar as puberty will eventually restart once someone stops taking them. But no one — not even the directors of the country’s leading gender clinic, the Tavistock’s Gender Identity Development Service [GIDS] — knows their long-term impact, for example, on the teenage brain.

After just a few consultations at the Tavistock, Jacob was referred to the endocrinology clinic at University College London Hospitals [UCLH]. He claimed the clinic did not consider his background, such as the trauma of a sexual assault at primary school, or his parents’ difficult divorce. He and his mother were soon making regular visits to London from their small village in the west of England for the injections.

“They promise you that your breasts will disappear, that your voice will be deeper, that I would look and sound more like a boy. For me, that was the best thing that could have happened,” he said.

Only, Jacob found that wasn’t what happened at all. Far from becoming one of the lads, as he’d hoped, he felt even more alienated from them as their physiques changed and Jacob’s remained the same.

“At school, other people were maturing into adults. The guys I grew up with were growing hair and growing up. For someone who’s trying to fit in as a boy, that’s not what you want.” Jacob had always been the tallest among his friends. Now he was the shortest. When his little brother overtook him in height and strength, he found it too upsetting to be in the same room as him. “My little brother is 18 months younger and now he has completely outgrown me. I go to school and I feel like other people are developing and I still feel like a child,” he said. Jacob also claims he was not warned about the side-effects of the drugs. These have included insomnia, exhaustion, fatigue, low moods, rapid weight gain which caused his skin to become covered with angry, itchy stretch marks, and a reduction in bone density. “I’d never broken a bone before [taking puberty blockers],” he says. “I’ve since broken four bones.” “I stubbed my toe, it broke. I fell over, my wrist broke. Same with my elbow.” As he took the blockers, Jacob’s mother watched her child become even more introverted and body-conscious. “The blockers contributed more to the self-image problems that were already there,” she said. Jacob found it increasingly difficult to concentrate on schoolwork. If sitting GSCEs is hard enough with raging hormones, it’s even harder without them, he said. “I’m someone with the developing mind of a 12-year-old who’s doing exams designed for a 16-year-old.”

He added: “The worst part was probably the depression. There were moments when I wanted everything to stop. Weight gain and depression — for someone who is already self-conscious about their body, that’s a lethal combination.” Clinicians who resigned from GIDS for ethical reasons said one of their main concerns was that young people were being sent down a medical pathway without proper exploration of the possibility they may simply be gay. Jacob is no closer to understanding who he may be attracted to at 16 as he was at 12. “My friends are all talking about having sex and girlfriends, and going to prom... but I’ve never had a crush. I’ve never felt sexual attraction to anyone. I feel so out of place.” In hindsight, Jacob finds it surprising how little his background — and the reasons why he didn’t want to be a girl — were discussed before being referred for treatment. “They didn’t even look at my history or trauma,” claimed Jacob. “They sent a child whose circumstances and feelings they didn’t understand [for hormone treatment].” Jacob is speaking out about his experience to warn other transgender youngsters to think twice before starting blockers. “I was sold a miracle cure. They promised happiness with little evidence behind it. Then four years in, you realise, oh my God, I’ve no idea about the long-term effects.“

“They asked a 12-year-old to make a decision an adult would struggle with.” “It was like, ‘here are the drugs’ and off we went. It’s a ridiculous process. It’s not gone the way they told me it was going to go.”

Mermaids, the transgender lobby group, claims that puberty blockers are safe and “completely reversible” and that not giving them to youngsters who request them can be more damaging than prescribing them.

Gendered Intelligence, another trans campaign group, claims on its website that hormone blockers give children “breathing space to ensure that they are sure about the permanent effects of cross-sex hormones, without the adverse effects of an incorrect puberty.” Jacob is scathing about such claims. “Breathing space! It really isn’t. I’ve not had any space to breathe the last four years.“

“They sell it to you as a break from feeling like a girl, and that’s fine for the first few months but as soon as everyone else around you starts developing it becomes ‘spot the transgender kid’, which is so easy because you’re stuck as a child.“

“If anything, I’ve been more depressed than before. My thyroid is messed up. I’m hungry all the time. I have no idea how my breast tissue will develop.” He claimed: “They push and push you on to this one-way train you’re not allowed off.” Asked whether it was misleading to promote puberty blockers as a “pause button”, a spokesman for Mermaids said: “Mermaids cannot comment on clinical cases as we are not involved in any individuals’ medical pathways.” “We offer young people and their families information, support and access to others in similar circumstances.” Gendered Intelligence declined to respond. Jacob claims the main focus of his treatment at the Tavistock was on the milestones of transition — “how far you’re willing to go” — rather than discussion of the consequences.

He claims: “My Tavistock worker was saying to me, ‘once you have the testosterone, you’ll be a boy’. “But it shouldn’t be about milestones. Being trans is how you think; it should not be about how far down the line you’re will to go.” A spokesman for Tavistock said: “All young people considering the puberty blocker or cross-sex hormones are repeatedly made aware of the known potential impacts of these medical interventions... as well as the areas of impact that remain to some extent unknown.“

“The information that we give patients about the blockers makes it clear that they may get tired and experience low mood. We explain to young people that hormones give us energy and drive, not just our sex drive but our overall ‘get up and go’. “We also emphasised to them routinely that while on the blocker they would stay early puberty whilst their peers developed. This is a routine part of the discussion.“

“In the end the decision to go on blockers is a balancing act weighing up these factors against the perceived distress of undergoing puberty in the ‘wrong’ gender and developing unwanted and potential hard to change secondary sexual characteristics.” Jacob decided to come off the drugs on turning 16. He began to feel the benefits almost overnight. “I grew taller, I lost weight, I felt livelier. It was like getting the poison out of my system,” he said. He will now wait until reaching 18 before making any big decisions.“I’m just fed up with all of it. I’ve felt like a guinea pig from day one. [Blockers] only made my life more complicated and it was pretty complicated already.” He added: “I’ll be 18 in two years, but for the past four years I’ve been stuck as a child. Blockers took away the chance I had to grow up with other kids. Now I want to give my body a break.”

#medical47 #risks01

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senlinyu · 5 years

Note

Draco/Hermione: accidentally gets pregnant

“My mother is speaking to me again.”

Nothing.

He cleared his throat. “She sent a note yesterday asking how I was.”

Hermione was still staring absent-mindedly out of the window.

“I wrote back—and she asked if I’d come to dinner this Tuesday.”

Still nothing.

“I intend to decline, unless she extends the invitation to you as well.”

The hollow at the base of her throat dipped and she looked at him suddenly. “You should go.”

He stared at her. “Really?”

She nodded. “Yes. You should go. They’re your parents.”

His eyebrows furrowed. “Right. They’ve also refused to speak to me since I informed them that we’re dating. Which seems like a pertinent issue.”

She studied at him. The tines of her fork tapped lightly at the edge of her plate. “Where—where do you see us in a year or so?”

Draco shifted uncomfortably at the change of subject. Hermione had very specific ideas about the pace of relationships; they should progress with grave intentionality. He’d only just managed to convince her to let him have a drawer in her flat.

“I don’t know. If it keeps going well, maybe l’ll have two drawers by then.”

She didn’t appear to notice the joke. She gave a short nod and looked down at the peas on her plate as her fork chased them from one side to the other.

“Is everything alright at work?” He eyed her carefully, trying to pin down exactly what seemed off about her. She nodded without meeting his eyes.

She was bothered about something, but as far as he could tell it didn’t seem directed specifically towards him.

Was he forgetting an important date? Not her birthday. They’d been “officially” in a relationship for one month and three weeks and two days. Prior to that they’d dated for five months and some odd days, which he didn’t think was traditionally celebrated. No major events in November for either of them insofar as he was aware.

She didn’t generally make him guess if he’d done something to upset her. He’d been an excellent boyfriend lately—if he did say so himself. He hadn’t even done anything to get back at Weasley for turning him into a giant canary at the excruciatingly uncomfortable ‘Weasley Dinner’ that he’d attended with Hermione last Friday evening.

She was still chasing her peas around her plate.

“What’s wrong?”

Her fork stilled but she didn’t look at him immediately. The tip of her tongue darted out and she wetted her lips before looking up.

“I—“ she started, then she froze, her mouth still ajar. She swallowed and set her fork down before squaring her shoulders.

She was going to break up with him, he realised with shriveling horror.

No wonder she thought he should go have dinner with his parents.

She didn’t want him anymore. He had too much to make up for and their relationship was interfering with and creating too difficulties throughout her life.

He felt his throat close as the blood drained from his head.

“I’m—pregnant.”

“What?” The question escaped him before he’d even processed that he was forming words. He felt as though he’d been bracing himself to be stabbed in the heart then instead been clocked in the head. His entire mind came to a screeching halt. “What?”

“I’m pregnant.” Her brown eyes met his bewildered gaze for a moment before she looked back down at her plate. “I found out earlier today.”

Draco abruptly had approximately five hundred thousand questions.

Pregnant? How was she pregnant? She was definitely, borderline religiously, taking contraceptive potions.

Draco had never thought about fatherhood beyond the abstract conclusion that he was not planning to be interested in it for a good long time.

Hermione was pregnant.

He stared at her dazedly. “H-h-How?”

Hermione pressed her lips together. “Contraceptive potion has an efficacy of about ninety-nine point two percent. Which means there’s still a point eight percent chance of getting pregnant. So if there are a hundred witches using it for a year, there can still be the possibility of a pregnancy occurring.”

“And that’s you…” he said slowly.

Her nostrils flared as she inhaled. “That’s me.” The base of her throat dipped and she looked down at her lap and was silent for several seconds. “I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. They gave me a prescription for a potion.”

Draco swallowed and resisted the urge to reach out and drain his wine glass. Despite his daze, he had a very clear sense that he’d never be able to take back whatever he said next.

As petrified as he was at the very concept of fatherhood, he was even more terrified that he was going to misstep and break the very fragile trust he had managed to build between them.

He opened his mouth and then closed it again. He wanted to loosen his collar, but her eyes were wide and locked on him. She sat carefully watching him.

She reminded him of a frightened wild rabbit. When he was growing up, there had been hundreds of them on the estate. They’d freeze and watch him with their dark eyes, barely moving, ready to sprint away and vanish in an instant if threatened.

He inhaled and leaned forward, extending his hand. Her hands were in her lap, so he rested his fingers on the table near her.

Her dark, intelligent eyes grew wider as they darted between his hand and his face.

He exhaled slowly.

He’d already been done for long before he’d managed to get her to agree to even have a drink with him. Just a drink had required weeks of deliberation on her part.

She’d had a very long list of rules and requirements specifically engineered to keep their relationship’s progress slow and it had worked aggravatingly well during the initial few months.

Things had accelerated somewhat when they’d agreed to tell people that they were in a relationship. Draco’s parents had been incensed and his father had threatened to disown him. The Weasleys and Potter has been about as pleased one would expect, and were unveiled in their displeasure and skepticism.

The first month had not been pleasant. However, the upside of Hermione refusing to speak to Potter and Weasley for being “complete idiots” and Draco openly toeing the line of becoming a blood traitor and following in the footsteps of his aunt Andromeda, was that their social life was largely non-existent.

Which—now as he thought about it, probably had something to do with the situation at hand.

“What are you thinking of doing?” he asked.

She sucked her lower lip into her mouth and he could see the tips of her teeth gnawing at it.

She always had a plan for things. Post-war, the life of Hermione Granger was meticulously plotted out.

Her colour-coded calendar had evenings marked for company, for projects, for reading. They were currently having lunch on the one lunch break each week that she was available to have lunch with him. She volunteered during three out of her five of them, and another day was marked and reserved for maintaining collegial relationships with friends and coworkers.

She had a one year plan, a five year plan, a ten year plan. Possibly others.

She always knew exactly what to do.

“I don’t know. I feel like I should just know what I should do—but I don’t—“ She drew a sharp breath. “We—“ her voice wavered and faded.

The corners of her mouth twitched and her eyes moved away from his face. She was quiet for a moment. He watched her shoulders tense and her whole body appeared to contract.

She was going to keep the pregnancy. He was almost positive. She wouldn’t have been so uncertain if she was instinctively leaning towards termination. She probably would have already picked up the potion.

She was going to keep it and she knew that the choice would annihilate half her plans and most of her calendar, and obliterate her intention of having their relationship indefinitely progress at the temperate speed of a sloth.

Her fingertips appeared at the edge of the table and slowly turned white as she gripped it.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do yet—but—“she swallowed visibly and her voice become tight and businesslike,”—obviously this wasn’t in either of our plans. Our relationship is very new and we don’t have any idea of what could have happened in the long run if things hadn’t been derailed like this. I wanted you to know about the pregnancy, but I don’t expect or want you to think that this makes you obligated or committed in any way.”

Draco’s hand twitched. “What?”

Her eyes flashed with stubborn determination. “I’m perfectly capable of having a child on my own—if I decide to. I don’t want you—staying involved with me because you have some antiquated sense of obligation and believe that you have to make honest witch of me now. I just—“ her voice wobbled as she inhaled, “I would rather know right off if you don’t want to be involved—it would—be easier for me if we could conclude things amicably in that case.”

Draco stood up abruptly, walked around the table, and then stole a chair from a nearby table. He sat and took her by the shoulders, turning her so that he could look into her eyes.

“Hermione—“ he said, his hands running down her tense arms.

“Hermione…” he said again, his hands reaching up and shaking somewhat as he captured her face. His fingertips traced her cheekbones and along her jaw.

“Hermione, I am in love with you,” he finally said. “I was in love with you before anyone knew we were dating. I was in love with you before we slept together. I was already pretty nearly in love with you before you agreed to get a drink with me. If you keep this pregnancy, I will still be in love with you. Whatever you do—for the rest of your life—I’m in for. Wherever you are—and whatever you’re doing, that’s the only place I want to be. Alright?”

#dramione #draco x hermione #hermione x draco #senlinyuwrites #asks #prompts #anthology collection

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scarlettlawyer · 3 years

Text

This is fanfiction of a fanfiction! Specifically, the Phantoms and Mirages fanfiction series by Meowzy (renegadewangs on tumblr), which can be found over at AO3! This post’s fic contains SPOILERS for the series up until the end of Lifting Spirits, the fourth installment. If you have not read the Phantoms & Mirages series up until at least the end of Lifting Spirits, it will not make a lick of sense to you either! So I would highly recommend checking the series out first if you would like to give this post a read. I would still recommend checking it out if you don’t want to give this post a read too! :P

Anyway here is the little thing I wrote just in case others would like to read it :)

-------------------

Date: December 25th 2028 Time: 10:14 AM Location: Wright Anything Agency.

It was Christmas morning, and it had been six days since his client had been handed down the death sentence in court.

The execution had already been carried out, he’d heard. Just as swiftly as the court’s verdict promised.

Phoenix Wright wasn’t feeling especially festive, but it was Christmas, so putting a smile on his face and doing his best to carry on as usual was the least he could do. He had to, at least for Trucy’s sake. It wouldn’t be fair to let recent grim events detract from her celebrating and enjoying today.

But he supposed he couldn’t act like this was just like any other Christmas, either. They’d rarely seen Athena in the past few days – she had taken the outcome of the trial especially hard.

And Apollo…

There’d been friction as of late. That was undeniable, and impossible to avoid. He’d starkly disagreed with his and Athena’s actions starting back when they’d acted as the Phantom’s defense team, but he’d soon learned afterwards how that had all been a ploy, and then Apollo had quickly understood, any discontent completely washed away.

It had been for a good cause, after all – to ensure that the spy known as Mirage was caught and faced justice. The Phantom’s role in that trial had only been relevant insofar as it had furthered that goal; it had nothing to do with Phoenix and Athena actually supporting him or advocating on his behalf outside of that. Once Apollo realised that, he’d been at ease once more and all was well.

The trial for Alexander Luster Jr., though, that was different. There was no ploy; it was a completely genuine and earnest attempt to seek a second chance to be granted for a man to turn his life around for the better, and for him to have a future. Athena and Phoenix had actively chosen to stand by that man’s side and fight for his second chance.

And that core stance was the source of the fundamental and insurmountable disagreement between Apollo and the two of them. Apollo could not, and would not understand their decision to advocate for that second chance. Phoenix couldn’t entirely blame him, and it would be unfair to expect Apollo to understand.

It didn’t matter now; they’d lost, in the end. Alexander Luster Jr., the Phantom, whatever you wanted to call him, was dead now. Apollo’s stance had ultimately won out and it was the one that the court system had officially endorsed.

—————-

Date: December 19th 2028 Time: 12:04 PM Location: District Court – Courtroom No. 4.

He continued to stand by the defense’s bench in the wake of the verdict, motionless and paralysed, as his client was carried away screaming, forced towards his impending death.

There was nothing Phoenix could do but stand there uselessly. His mind was blank as the chaos went on around him.

And just like that, his client had been taken away, but the impact of the day’s events was still unfolding everywhere in the courtroom.

Whenever he was involved in a case, the court had never really come to the wrong decision before. Even when losing a case, there hadn’t been any issue because it was the correct and just outcome. The only other time the outcome of a trial he’d defended in had felt so utterly wretched and bleak and wrong was when he’d lost his badge.

His badge…

A very dark moment passed over him. If he couldn’t ensure a just outcome, if he couldn’t protect his client, then what was the point? Why stand in court?

He stood frozen, and the sudden mad urge to tear off his badge subsided. There was no way he could cast it aside so easily, not after everything he’d been through. That wouldn’t be right either. He couldn’t do that to Trucy. And Edgeworth had done so much to help him and to get it back.

To throw it all away… it was something he felt that he probably would have done many years ago, if he hadn’t been able to bring Matt Engarde to justice. But this situation wasn’t quite so dire, and back then he hadn’t had a daughter and two apprentices to think about. Back then, he’d never experienced having his badge taken away from him either, hadn’t suffered so much and for so long before he could get it back again.

But ultimately, what did this symbolic representation of his membership to the legal profession even amount to? He’d been proven useless in the end. It was all futile. He was supposed to act as an agent of the law to ensure justice for all. It was supposed to result in justice for everyone, but… Phoenix wasn’t so sure what to think about that anymore.

Still, he had duties that he was bound by. Duties to the people around him, and to carry on with his work… he just needed to make sure he didn’t suddenly find himself entrapped by the very things that used to feel freeing.

Time passed, and the courtroom grew to be practically empty. He didn’t know how long he’d been standing there, but it must have been a while.

He started to walk. It was an aimless gesture with no real intent, hardly paying attention to where his feet might be carrying him.

“Daddy, there you are…! Polly and I, we found-”

“-Athena,” Phoenix said automatically upon catching sight of her. She was looking quite the worse for wear, and Apollo was standing by her side, awkwardly trying to offer support.

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m here for you. It doesn’t have to be like this. You don’t have to be sad. There’s no use crying over him - think of how much the Phantom has taken from us all. He can’t hurt anyone anymore, now. It’s over and it’s best we all move on… There was never really any other way. This was necessary for-”

“You don’t GET to decide when someone’s life ending is NECESSARY, Apollo!”

Apollo started back in shock, Athena’s sudden fierce tone forcing him into silence as she continued.

“Do you think that his death will magically make the past better? Can it undo anything that’s already been done?! Who are you to decide that a human life should be offered up as some kind of,” she waved her hand about wildly, “sacrificial stepping stone for your own personal development to make you feel better? Execution doesn’t bring back the dead. It only adds to the death! Another lifeless body thrown upon the pile.”

Widget had turned from dark blue to red in a flash at Apollo’s words, before reverting back to a deep blue once more. Evidently, Apollo hadn’t expected his attempt to console her to be met with such defiant anger. After a few moments, his response came, unusually quiet, but firm and resolute.

“You’re right. It’s not for me to decide. It’s for the courts to decide. And a conclusion has already been reached for this case. It’s not about feeling better – it’s about what’s right, and what needs to be done. It’s about justice. The sooner you see that, the sooner you can heal.”

“You think-,” she broke off, her voice struggling with the effort it took stave off sobs. “You call this justice? Lex – didn’t want – to h-hurt anyone! He just wanted - to live! He was a – new person, and-,” she then shook her head, breathing heavily. “I’ve gotta go.” At that, she rushed out the door.

Apollo sighed, his expression dismayed and stern. “She’s too far gone,” Phoenix heard him mutter to himself.

“Apollo-”

“No, Mr Wright. Do you expect me to feed the idealistic fantasies she’s constructed? Because I can’t. It’s not healthy… For either of us. I just can’t- I mean, don’t you think… things have been hard enough as it is? Every now and then, I still find myself checking my phone on occasion, expecting to see a new message from Clay… Out of habit. Even thinking about that… Phantom is a constant painful reminder. I’m sick of it - I don’t want to have to hear about that killer anymore, and I shouldn’t have to.”

Apollo paused to catch his breath and calm down somewhat, and Phoenix let him.

“’Who am I to decide’…? Who was the Phantom to decide that ending Clay’s life – anyone’s life was necessary? There’s no use… distorting things into such a one-sided picture, because life doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t matter who you are, in the end. What’s done is done, and everyone needs to be held to equal standards of accountability for their own actions. Isn’t that what justice is? No one is so special that they are above the law, yet even you seem to need reminding of that right now. She should know – and we should know this better than anyone. We’re lawyers. This is how our legal system works!”

Alexander Luster’s final, terrified and desperate screams that had filled the air as he begged and pleaded for his life before he was dragged from the courtroom were still ringing in his mind, branded deeply, haunting him with the horror of a life knowingly about to be cut off. The inherent horror of the awareness there must be, that it was your life at its end, your life that you barely knew.

This is how… their legal system works.

This can’t be right.

It shouldn’t have ended like this. It was his fault. He could have prevented this. He could have done more. He could have saved a life, if he’d just tried harder.

It was all… wrong.

“…I’m sorry, Apollo. This is one case where… we won’t be able to see eye to eye. We don’t have to agree on this; you don’t have to understand. Right now, I think we should just give each other space.”

Apollo’s mouth set in a grim line. “Fine. Next I see you, I hope you’ll have actually regained some of your senses.” And with that, he stormed off.

Maybe Apollo was right, in a sense. Maybe the system was working exactly as it was supposed to. The courts would swallow up input, spit out a result, and whatever that result happened to be the citizens are demanded to gaze upon it and call it “justice”. If it pleased or displeased the masses, then so be it. Maybe, on some level, the idea was that the result didn’t have to make sense. Maybe there just had to be one, so that everyone else would then be free to go home and carry on with their lives, their legal truths set in stone.

—————-

Date: December 25th 2028 Time: 10:21 AM Location: Wright Anything Agency.

The next he did see Apollo after that, neither of them had said a word about the incident.

It would be wrong for Phoenix to hold Apollo’s feelings about it all against him, and he didn’t. Apollo had lost his best friend. And Apollo knew that the verdict had dealt a blow to both Athena and Phoenix. Even if he clearly disapproved and thought that the Phantom wasn’t worth anyone’s time up until the very end, he made a point of doing his best to not say anything that would exacerbate the strain that was present or add any unnecessary grief, after that instance gone awry. It was an unspoken intent to keep the peace amongst them; neither would voice any of the internal thoughts that may upset the other when in their presence.

Lessons had been learned when Apollo had unintentionally overstepped, but Athena had been the first one to apologise when they’d crossed paths the next day. She apologised for yelling at him, and he apologised for unintentionally making things worse, and they were able to leave it at that.

Even so, their interactions had been rather stiff as of late. After all, there was still the uncomfortable fact hanging over the three of them that Apollo was pleased with the very same verdict that had left Athena crying out desperately, even attempting to stop the Interpol agents from taking the former spy away. So much for the Wright Anything Agency all coming together for Christmas…

So there it was: Apollo was happy with the outcome. Athena was devastated. And Phoenix, well…

Phoenix still personally disagreed with Apollo and could not internalise the Judge’s decision as the right one.

So here he was, still a lawyer, on Christmas morning. He was acting cheerful, and so was Trucy. She’d loved her presents, just as Phoenix had hoped, and hugged him enthusiastically as she’d thanked him. But Trucy was a smart girl and must have known not everything was currently as well as it could be, and that relations among the Wright Anything Agency had seen better days. Maybe, to some extent, she was actively injecting enthusiasm into her demeanour for that reason, too.

He just needed to keep staving off the depressing thoughts. He had time… time to come to terms with the verdict, and what it might mean, on some other day. Today was for focusing on family.

Suffice it to say, given everything, he hadn’t been expecting Athena to march right through the door with such lightness and energy to her demeanour.

“Merry Christmas!” she exclaimed, a bright grin settling on her face. She dumped a bag on the floor which Phoenix could see contained some wrapped gifts.

“Merry Christmas, Athena! Good to see you,” Trucy beamed.

“So what’s the go, Boss? I sure hope you’ve got a big Christmas lunch on the way, ‘cause I’m hungry!”

Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck and grinned sheepishly, a little taken off-guard. He hadn’t even had the chance to greet her yet! “W-wait, but if you’re hungry, didn’t you have anything this morning?”

Athena reached up to tap at her earring, causing it to sway. “Well, I did have brunch just earlier with Simon and Bobby, but… The point is, I know I will be hungry once it’s lunchtime!” She thrust a peace sign in Phoenix’s direction and continued, “Big meals are an essential part of Christmas, anyway!”

Phoenix might have thought that she was forcing some kind of cheerful act, were it not for the fact that Widget was glowing green with genuine happiness. But even if it wasn’t for that, he would have been hard-pressed to deny the essential truth that her high spirits seemed to ring with.

“So, um… Where’s Apollo?” she asked, her tone softening a little.

“Ah,” was all Phoenix offered in reply.

“Maybe… you should give him a call? Invite him over. That’s- if he’s not busy with other plans, that is. We can’t have a Wright Anything Agency Christmas party without him, after all.”

“Hah, there’s nothing Polly could be too busy with that he can’t drop it all at a moment’s notice to see us! Isn’t that right, Daddy?” Trucy urged.

“Ahaha, I guess there’s only one way to find out.”

—————-

Date: December 25th 2028 Time: 1:34 PM Location: Wright Anything Agency.

As it turned out, although Apollo was involved in other plans and couldn’t leave immediately, he had promised to be there in the afternoon. He should be arriving any minute, now.

It was strange; Phoenix really hadn’t thought they’d be able to salvage the day to this extent, but here they were. It was just as it should be – everyone was upbeat, Apollo was on his way over, and they could all forget any troubles. Phoenix didn’t need to pretend to be upbeat as they played makeshift games and unwrapped more presents. It was just a shame that Edgeworth wouldn’t be arriving until a bit later, too, but once he did, there’d still be all the rest of the afternoon and the evening to spend together at the Wright Agency Christmas party.

Speaking of which, he’d needed to leave the main room to take a phone call from Edgeworth. It had gone on for longer than planned, and he stopped himself just before stepping back into the room once the call was over, not wanting to intrude on the solemn exchange of words that seemed to be taking place between Athena and Trucy.

“-was so worried. You’re sure you’re okay?” Trucy was saying.

Phoenix hadn’t meant to overhear that, but in truth, this had been nagging at the back of his mind as well. It seemed odd for Athena to have bounced back to normal so quickly… And the worst of times are when lawyers have to force their biggest smiles.

“Don’t worry about me. I’m fine, I promise.”

Trucy nodded. “…Alright, I believe you.”

“Besides, today’s not the day to go around being gloomy… But thank you. It’s touching that you care.”

And when Trucy left the room to get some materials prepared for an elaborate magic trick so it could be ready for Apollo’s arrival, it was Phoenix’s turn to speak to Athena one-on-one.

“I’ve been meaning to ask. You said you had brunch with Blackquill and Agent Fulbright this morning, didn’t you? How… How are they?”

“Ohh…” Athena seemed to think carefully for a moment, searching for the right words. “I think… they’re going to be okay. I think they’re going to be just fine.”

“Hmm…” I’m sorry, he wanted to say, I feel like I let them both down. And I let you down, too. But there was something holding him back. “And what about you?”

“Me? Come on, Boss. I know you heard what I said to Trucy earlier – you’re not that subtle with your eavesdropping, you know. I’m alright, and how could I not be? It’s Christmas Day and I’ve been spending it with my friends.”

Ahh, caught red-handed, it seemed. “But, aren’t you… sad?” he tried. Something still didn’t seem to add up.

“Of course I’m sad–”

… Interesting.

“-but there’s a time and a place for sadness. I don’t want to be all miserable right now. I don’t want to focus on less pleasant things. So, let’s continue enjoying the rest of today. …Mr. Wright?”

“R-Right! You’re right.” His phone beeped. “Ah… Apollo will be here in five minutes.”

In actuality, Apollo arrived in three minutes’ time, bearing presents of his own. After responding to Trucy’s enthusiastic welcome, there was a brief awkward silence when he caught sight of Athena.

“…Hey, Apollo,” she said, holding out a present done up in shiny red wrapping, “got you a gift!”

“Athena! Mr. Wright said you were here, but I thought-,” he shook his head. “…Thank you. Merry Christmas.”

Just like that, everything felt so normal again, among everyone.

It was a crazy thought, but

…Maybe, somehow, everything had all worked out in the end. There was something about Athena’s demeanour that put him at ease, allowing him to trust that all was well… it allowed him to trust in justice.

Maybe, he didn’t quite have the full picture. That was alright with him; he didn’t need to pry any further.

In this case, just the idea of it was enough.

#Phantoms and Mirages #Ace Attorney #Dual Destinies #Phoenix Wright #Phantoms & Mirages

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theorynexus · 4 years

Text

Time to Continue with part 83!

Dave is correct. Such matters are never simple. The ways of the heart are extremely complex, and while it wants what it wants, whether it has the heart to actually go through with whatever that is is an entirely different matter altogether. But that, and the wonderful weird silliness aside, I believe Dave was suggesting that there was more to it insofar as there are other factors than just his own “gay awakening” involved with the current difficulties. We shall see just what they are, and how much they have to do with Jade... now.

100% on the money. I am not sure that technically qualifies as incestuous, though, my man. I am also not 100% sure that you are correct in this matter, other than the fact that it may make her rambunctious and more confident that she is playing a successful role as whatever strange matchmaking hate girlfriend she envisions herself as. (Not that I don’t think that humans could successfully play the part of a kismesis; rather, I am simply nooot sure Jade is actually doing well at it, or that she has quite the “stuff” for it, at this point. We’ll see.)

***laughs hysterically at this wonderful awkwardness***

That she has. And honestly, from a Trollish lens, it would seem that she’s had the “hots” for Karkat’s black concupiscent quadrant for quite some time, as well. (Man, that is sortof weird of her, to go out of her way to exclaim that to John... . Especially with the distance between her and accomplishing that goal. You’d think she’d at least want to get them to show some interest before doing that. Does seem very puppy-like of her, though. Hmm~)

Honestly, John is right in that thought. Mind you, trying might not be the worst idea in ideal circumstances (because at least he could say he tried, and it wasn’t working out for him; thus hopefully become able to get Jade not to push further, and salvage the friendships of everyone involved), but at this point, it’s honestly a great big gamble for Dave. He doesn’t have much romantic experience, and he’s not really sure 100% what he wants. Not only that, he clearly feels pressured and uncertain with regards to the matter, and that is not a good point to embark on any relationship. It leaves the door open for all kinds of potential abuse, because things aren’t starting out with firmly established boundaries and the necessary mutual respect for the desires of each person involved upon which all healthy romances are founded. If it were me, I would most certainly advise against Dave bending to the pressure from Jade like this. If she wanted to make a potential situation between the three of them work out, Jade needs to understand that patience will need to be involved. She’s immortal, Dave’s immortal, and while Karkat may not be, they do have quite a bit of time before they’ll have to worry about him aging too much to make it work, I’m sure. This is simply a horrible mistake from all parties involved, if it’s going to swing into effect as things are now. Of course, mistakes do not have to be totally damning, and learning from them is necessary for growth, so... we’ll see how things work out.

... I guess Megalodon MIGHT have technically been classified as a paleolithic megafauna, technically, though its existence mostly extended much further back. I do appreciate his continued enthusiasm about paleontology, though, and I understand that his metaphors can get convoluted and distracted, though. On that note?: Is that reference to the Meg supposed to be an association with Karkat’s mouth, and how his teeth are apparently quite disorganized, sometimes sticking out of said mouth when it’s supposed to be shut? I mean, that DOES give a bit of a shark-like image. To be fair, though: no. It was to eat whales, not other sharks. Big Game Hunter. (I really do appreciate the double meaning of his last line of the above quote. His uncertainty and circuitous path through the conversation really does show how anxious love can make a person, especially when things are rocky.)

I don’t necessarily think that that is correct--- that is to say, I am not sure that e actually was “leading her on” by dodging the issue for so long. This would require him to imply he did in fact have that same sort of desires as her, or at least that he was willing to reciprocate. Based on what we’ve seen, at the very least, I am not sure that he has actually done that. (Man, it must have been weird for Game Over Continuity!Dave to see Davepeta once they joined the fight--- to know on some level that he could sense something familiar, there, but to have no idea what the heck was going on with them~) That said... no. I’m not certain that even if he had been leading her on (that is to say, showing interest, but never committing), he would actually owe it to her unless he had been using that to exploit her in some way. Particularly, if this was done because he was uncertain if he’d be able to go through with anything, and then he then decided/will have decided to just tell her he’s not interested, I don’t think that this would be wrong at all. Certainly, she’d have good reason to be upset, but while she’d have lost a significant deal of time, at least he’d be being true to himself instead of potentially doing her, himself, and Karkat greater harm by forcing himself into something that has a good chance of failure+painful consequences. Sorry if this seems overly negative. It’s just... these are not the ideal circumstances, and honestly it’s sortof making me uncomfortable.

(H3H3H3~) Dangit, that “ghosted” business is sortof painful, given the natural association with John’s death in the Meat Epilogue. @w@ I am not 100% sure John’s mind is fully realizing the implied 3 person relationship that is being talked about as a potential possibility, by the way. With the way he’s talking, it makes it sound like he’s saying to use the coin to choose Karkat or Jade, rather than yea or nay to a situation with both of them. Particularly with the reference to his logic, and the “same chance” business. Either that, or John is sortof wishy-washy and weird, and is in fact not keeping a constant goal/argument/side as he proceeds in this conversation.

It’s beautiful to see Dave suddenly becoming confident, now that it’s in his wheelhouse. And sortof awkward and sad, seeing John flail about like this. But he’s always been that sort of silly jokester, so I will embrace this and accept it.

It’s funny how one can get these intuitions about things, yet be unable to properly explain them, at times. Of course, this rarely happens to me, because I’m a bit of a windbag (joke at Egbert’s expense), and am willing to look up words that may or may not fit in order to help me organize my thoughts, but it *is* certainly a phenomenon which I am familiar with. Particularly, in the context of attempting to make connections with others, by which they may or may not latch onto and be able to infer the true meaning you’re trying to get at.

... Yeah, that is definitely one of the things being a friend is all about. And sadly... I think Dave is right. He probably does need to talk to Dirk. Not that it is likely to do all that much good. Dirk’s not all that great, as far as Heart players go, and as a brother, he’s been remarkably distant with Dave, but... well, it somehow seems right, even if it’s something dreadful and somewhat repulsive. Given that Dave is having a hard time figuring this matter out, and he’s not able to properly latch on to John’s nonsense, this is probably the best option.

I mean, it got Caliborn out of a particularly nasty bind, one time. ;D

Yeah... I wouldn’t necessarily suggest that “cracked” will apply to all situations, but having someone who knows and understands you-- how vibrates on the same wave-length, you might say --is absolutely necessary for some issues.

This is incredibly silly. I don’t think that is appropriate on the part of the proprietor, all things considered. Moreover, it strikes me as curious insofar as I don’t think anyone ever came to try and help them order? I don’t know. Maybe I just don’t understand how the fanciest restaurants work. Or something might have happened while John was gone. Them noticing he was gone probably had something to do with it, but... still pretty ridiculous, regardless. I mean, who even kicks out a pair of gods? XD

(Super cute.)

How very true. Time is something difficult to properly hold onto even in the best of times. That one is unequipped to do something that might make a difference does not necessarily mean it’s your fault that bad things happened. For example: one should not blame terrified bystanders for not mobbing a lone gunman in a mass shooting and forcibly stopping them before anything can happen, or at least partway through. At times, life will present you with barriers of that sort that are almost impossible to overcome, and one has to think of what can be done for the future, rather than dwelling on the past. Of course, the cataclysm is in Dave’s future at this moment, and John could technically do a whole lot of other things to make events work out; yet as the narrative subtly suggests, while the possibility technically exists, it may not be something that is feasible--- for not only is Gamzee’s presence passively screwing with everything, now (and in particular, messing with characters’ abilities to make important choices well, probably), but there is the issue of the narrator potentially manipulating things, as well. If they are being subtle enough, rather than trying to force certain actions like Dirk did at certain points, it is difficult to oppose such a being’s control. Man, I wish I knew for certain who was doing said narration, right now.

#Homestuck Spoilers #Homestuck Epilogue #Homestuck Liveblog #Candy Epilogue #Dave Strider #Romance #Davekat #karkat vantas #Jade Harley #Healthy Relationships #Relationship Issues #Polygamy #Happiness #Tragedy #John Egbert #Gamzee Makara #Rage Aspect #Do:

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skinfeeler · 4 years

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between good posts, miscellaneous aesthetic content, and astounding selfies, sometimes the mask slips and it becomes obvious that i am an extraordinarily troubled person. why? well, there are many reasons. but i can give you a microcosm from the sort of things that are done to me to make me this way, even by other trans women.

this is a vaguepost about me with zero notes. let’s break it down! but before we break it down, let’s take it at face value. the kind of picture she’s painting here insinuates that perhaps i horribly mistreated her and then, in HAL fashion, made sure she was exiled from all the communities we shared using vague accusations and extremely loaded language. something like that.

factually, the opposite happened. we’re all familiar with reversal of accusations done by people who hold power over these they hurt, aren’t we? so here are the disturbing and crude circumstances from which this disgusting screed emerged:

we initially shared an online space together. at some point we started conversing privately. as almost the first thing she said to me, she confided to me that she used to hate women like me: brash. assertive. confident. self-loving. not afraid to take up space or to refuse to put up with mistreatment. the product of a ceaseless struggle against conditioning to let people exploit me, abuse me. one of two directions each trans woman can take, the other one to become fragile and let oneself stay fragile.

she said that once she met me and got to know me, she dropped this worldview and seemed embarrassed she ever held it. in response, i, simply grateful to not have someone reject me for being the wrong kind of trans woman — an etymological baeddel, if you will — told her that i understood, since i know people like me aren’t allowed to exist. i wish i hadn’t.

because she didn’t drop it forever. she only dropped it conditionally.

we had a dalliance of sorts, and eventually it turned out to be deeply unhealthy for both of us, so i broke it off for both our sakes. i told her that it was probably for the best that we ‘stopped talking’, by which i meant to not contact me individually and to refrain from using group environments specifically to solicit me. i hoped that this reduction of contact, while making room to share the same spaces, would be better for both of us than our unhealthy and mutually damaging association.

then soon after day her girlfriend who shared the same space and who i still spoke to told me — as part of a larger diatribe concerning a reciprocally harmful situation — the following.“It’s ridiculous - it’s a completely irresponsible way to handle a sitution with someone you're supposed to share a community with. You completely disposed of her. You forced her out.”

alongside this, a series of quotes from hot allostatic load on her blog, very clearly meant for me.

apparently respect for the dignity of trans women like me ceased the moment i denied someone access to me— respect from her, and the people i thought were close to me but who were apparently still quite willing to suddenly assume the worst when i was simply trying to set boundaries. i wasn’t setting boundaries as a real trans woman may be entitled to, i was forcing people out, i was made the aggressor simply for daring to set boundaries based on a prior judgement that was made the moment people met me and the way i talk, the particular trauma responses i have. what might be praised in a more feminine and mild-mannered (trans) woman was in me, proof of guilt and evil.

it didn’t matter what actually happened, what exactly both of us respectively did to each other. what mattered is how she felt. how she felt aggressed against by the wrong kind of trans women daring to deny her access to her body and person.

other people got involved and other conflicts got aggravated. she kept stoking the fires— other situations, if they were resolvable beforehand, weren’t because of the poison she put in people’s heads about me. through all of this, neither she nor her girlfriend were ever in the slightest genuinely repentant for the way they made it difficult for me to set boundaries.

all of this happened in the acute aftermath of me being raped in an alleyway — an event they had knowledge of — during the few months after. i was so, so carefully trying out if it was even possible for me to be intimate with others. it was, briefly, until i pulled out, until i told people that i felt violated by things that happened.

and all of that, all of my attempts to set boundaries and to protest against violations committed, were not even met with direct answers or where not possible, dignified resignations to that fact and attempts to atone. instead, what happened is that they leveled narratives at their friends and girlfriends until they felt so overwhelmed that people refused to sincerely listen to my side of things and i was put in a position where all i was to do to make amends for my own actions, with everyone else completely protected. i was told people are very upset, that i had made them feel very bad, and this hurt is what ended up mattering, not what they did to me.

it broke me, for some time. i behaved disrespectfully and harmfully to a number of people in the months after. i was in such an aggravated state of trauma from having it be repeatedly proven to me that my body is fair game for anyone’s carnal drives that i was oblivious to the ways that i was exhausting people by trying to play politics in a vain attempt to get some recognition for what happened to me and how it was enabled, facilitated by both perpetrators and others in that space.

and then, eventually, after months of building tension and stress which nobody felt able to resolve, nothing could have happened but that i was forced out of the one space where i was told that the bad kind of trans woman could belong and be treated well, too.

that we could ‘build alternatives’ to the traumatic things that are done to us and then do to ‘each other’ (although really, just to those among us who aren’t deemed worthy of protection).

---

i do not believe she is actually a predator— i am not from an english-speaking country, and my throwaway post in which i said “no sympathy for sex pests who got rejected months ago and still whine about it” was based on an understanding that it meant someone who harmed others in the context of sexual interactions, but not necessarily an actual ‘predator’, insofar that essentialist, individual, reactionary idea of one who does harm actually holds meaning to me. certainly she is not as bad as actual literal alleyway rapists, not that it is fair or reasonable to have it fall to me to reassure anyone of that.

however, she is oblivious to the fact that reacting to people setting boundaries in this way and that projecting transmisogyny on them along the lines she did damages their ability to set boundaries in the future, especially since i was recently raped, which she and everyone else involved knew about. she’s not a predator, but her behavior chipped away at my ability to set boundaries and is completely irreverent of them regardless of context or intent. most consent guides have vile things to say about those who hear that they hurt others, freak out in an emotionally incontinent way and make it everyone else’s problem instead of working towards taking responsibility. unfortunately, she made it so that this behavior ended up being enabled and rewarded, simply because the way in which she was violent is not seen as violence by many in our circles.

i stopped taking progesterone. i refused to be intimate with people. i wanted to be sexless and recoiled at all expressions of attraction from others, experiencing them as a prelude to violation since i couldn’t conceive of people being into me and acting on that in a way that wouldn’t end up humiliating, traumatising, heartbreaking. i didn’t feel like i could exist with other people anymore, and believed that never, ever would i be treated in an equitable way where my hurt matters just as much as theirs.

i don’t want to be sanctified over my own mistakes i just want to get treated as all the other people who made awful, horrible ones— i wasn’t, people refused to level with me about it until they had already made up their minds about me and cut me off first individually, then collectively. i was treated as a perpetrator by default.

even with what i did and my role in all of this, i did not deserve to be treated this way.

---

i didn’t make any actual threats. what i did was the following.

if i don’t stop it from happening, a payload of information about the actions and identities of people who violated my boundaries will be released, with the understanding that this only happens if i don’t periodically reset a timer when it will be uploaded, with the understanding that this will only happen if i die. this gives me some sort of comfort that if i kill myself, i’ll at least get to finally have the voice which people with immense amounts of social capital are preventing me from having, inadvertently or on purpose. if all of this kills me, does she really believe she deserves to get away with it, my voice forever lost?

i also made a post that next time someone forces me into something i don’t want, i won’t freeze up— if it is a physical situation, i know i will fight back and win against someone literally sexually assaulting me, that is what the post was about! that’s not even something she wants (presumably). so to make this out as some threat against her is frankly preposterous, and i can’t really find any way to take it as another cynical attempt to portray me as the wrong kind of tranny: the one without a lithe body and who doesn’t perform a fetishisation of her own (pretended) lack of power over others well enough, with the wrong set of traumatic personality alterations.

---

allow me to end with a few choice screenshots from this person’s blog, and an ask she sent me to circumvent my block on discord.

what’s the deal with people who have a certain access to feminine fragility (cis women, certain kinds of trans women) and comparing people to their abusive fathers?

stop postmodernising about my boundaries. please.

what’s worse? ending something awful for both of us as well within my entitlements, or circumventing a block in order to chastise me for it as a prelude to unleashing the full power of the whisper network? i guess all things are fine when the first is done by a trans woman who can deadlift 1.5x her bodyweight and the second is done by a trans woman who prides herself on being sensitive and who is just so easy to hurt— not like she has plenty of means to passively aggress or cut trans women like me off from their support networks, murder them in a thousand ways which our community sanctifies, which is exactly what she did, both while we knew each other and after.

this, for months and months and months. making me wonder what the next way she will hurt me is going to be.

---

it is a genuine relief to hear that this person never wanted to see me again. because of her behavior, i was under the distinct impression she wanted me back in some sense. you may see why when you look at all these strange attempts to undermine the boundaries she knows i struggle to maintain.

all this talk invoking the concept of radical transformative justice after she did her best to escalate situations to get me exiled simply because i didn’t want to have a personal, individual association with her. it’s not enough for her that she managed to get rid of me, me daring to feel hurt by it is another violation of the values that were supposed to prevent what happened to me from happening, in fact, me feeling hurt is portrayed as worse as what she did to hurt me, and as invalidating any demand i have at all to be treated with any dignity or receive any defense or protection from anyone at all, simply because of the way it made her feel that i dared to be hurt by what she did.

what matters is what happened. what matters is what people did. what matters is what factually happened, not transmisogynistic interpretations of it, forgotten at convenience by the people who were there. what matters is who is decided to be worthy or unworthy of protection, who is actually capable of being hurt instead of considered unrapeable, unviolable, invulnerable and dangerous for it, which frankly, seems what patterns of ‘disposability’ always seem to revolve around. it is disturbing that this language was invoked to ironically, argue the status of my body as public property at pain of isolation.

what matters is power, and statements like “i don’t hate you” are cheap from those who will always have the social capital to hurt me like this so long as the gendered heuristics of the circles we share remain hegemonic.

#likes only.

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mhevarujta · 5 years

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My favorite part about Boris and Theo

“Potter, Potter, Potter—” affectionate, half-scornful, leaning forwardm —“you are a blockhead. You have no sense of gratitude or beauty.”

‘No sense of gratitude.’ I’ll drink to that, I guess.”

“What? Don’t you remember our happy Christmas that one time? Happy days gone by? Never to return? Your dad—” grand flinging gesture—“at the restaurant table? Our feast and joy? Our happy celebration? Don’t you honor that memory in your heart?”

Because I don’t care what anyone says or how often or winningly they say it: no one will ever, ever be able to persuade me that life is some awesome, rewarding treat. Because, here’s the truth: life is catastrophe. The basic fact of existence—of walking around trying to feed ourselves and find friends and whatever else we do—is catastrophe. Forget all this ridiculous ‘Our Town’ nonsense everyone talks: the miracle of a newborn babe, the joy of one simple blossom, Life You Are Too Wonderful To Grasp, &c. For me—and I’ll keep repeating it doggedly till I die, till I fall over on my ungrateful nihilistic face and am too weak to say it: better never born, than born into this cesspool. Sinkhole of hospital beds, coffins, and broken hearts. No release, no appeal, no “do-overs” to employ a favored phrase of Xandra’s, no way forward but age and loss, and no way out but death.

One of my favorite parts about the way Boris and Theo’s relationship has been written in the Goldfinch is that it’s not meant to be just about friendship, romance or sex (depending on the individual reader’s chosen reading).

There are two primary ideological differences between the two, which inform the way they move through life. Both characters have lost their mothers, have been abused by their fathers, they have moved and lived in uncertainty, they’ve been each other’s lifeline, they’ve coped by using drugs... but despite the circumstances being similar, Boris is bold, impulsive while Theo is an overthinker. This is the result of the way they see the world: Boris does not care for the bigger picture. He has learned to live for and to try and find appreciation for the little moments. On the other hand Theo needs to have his sights on some bigger plan; despite his claims of nihilism he has an intense need to believe in a bigger plan, the absense of which reinforces his nihilism in a vicious cycle.

Theo makes up for the fulfillment and meaning he can’t find in life trough his love for art and his attempts to find immortality and conquer death through his involvment in the service of beauty and of art by preserving the cultural legacy, which is something that Boris can never understand and only accepts Theo’s inclination at face-value.

“What other paintings?” “Oh, some very celebrated and famous ones! Missing for years!” “Such as—?” Boris made an irritated sound. “Oh, I do not know the names, you know not to ask me that. Few modern things—very important and expensive, everyone very excited although I will be frank, I do not understand why the big deal on some of them. Why does it cost so much, a thing like from kindergarten class? ‘Ugly Blob.’ ‘Black Stick with Tangles.’ But then too— multiple works of historic greatness. One was a Rembrandt.” “Not a seascape?” “No—people in a dark room. Little bit boring. Nice van Gogh, though, of a sea shore. And then… oh, I don’t know… usual thing, Mary, Jesus, many angels. Some sculptures even. And Asian artworks too. They looked to me worth nothing but I guess they were a lot.”

And in the midst of our dying, as we rise from the organic and sink back ignominiously into the organic, it is a glory and a privilege to love what Death doesn’t touch. For if disaster and oblivion have followed this painting down through time—so too has love. Insofar as it is immortal (and it is) I have a small, bright, immutable part in that immortality. It exists; and it keeps on existing. And I add my own love to the history of people who have loved beautiful things, and looked out for them, and pulled them from the fire, and sought them when they were lost, and tried to preserve them and save them while passing them along literally from hand to hand, singing out brilliantly from the wreck of time to the next generation of lovers, and the next.

In my opinion, throughout the book, Theo and Boris’ repressed homosexuality represents the class between their beliefs about life; the way they collide and dance around each other, occasionally able to adapt the aspects that would make their life more tolerable but still being, at the end of the day, irreconciable.

This symbolism, the parallels of their worldviews and their sexual relationship, is the main reason that I could never see these characters ending up together or being your archetypical romance within the context of the book and it’s also what has me in awe of the attention Donna Tartt put to detail and on the several levels of meaning that her books have.

#boreo #theo decker #boris pavlikovsky #the goldfinch #donna tartt

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light-of-being · 4 years

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a very fkin long and incomplete exposition of my flaws as a human being

I've not really spoken about the probably most consequential event in my recent life (the ending of a long term relationship), and that's because I haven't really thought about it very much. At least, not in a clear-headed space not entirely filled with rage, fear, or initially, longing. So, I've mostly just been waiting for the intensity of those responses to wear out before I can go back and make sense of things in a sorta 'safe' way.

(These days it's mostly anger and/or hurt. Sometimes twinges of hatred, but those fizzle quickly. I know that attitude isn't 'true'. I tried to hate him, I really did. Things would be so much simpler that way — an obvious villain of pure evil, a mistake worthy of contempt. Put him behind me as someone I regret meeting and consider everything only as a flashing warning sign of what to avoid next time. But real life never is that easy, is it.)

Regardless, reading about miscellaneous psychological ~stuff, I realised that I know for sure now that there are sides of me that only come out in a close relationship, as they postulate. It's unfortunate that my exposure to this was only in such a toxic environment, and I'm not sure if or when closeness has any chance of happening again.

I suspect, based on what I have/haven't felt with him vs others, that I can (at least at this stage of my development) only really feel 'seen' by an antisocial/narcissist/schizoid (or something in that general direction), just hope to god it's a mature one next time. I might want to interrogate and possibly change that fact, I'm not sure it's at all a healthily arrived preference. But...

there is a degree of normalcy and social belonging in others that becomes a wall

I can relate superficially, cognitively and even 'deeply personally' (tho is all y'all's deeply personal shit necessarily relational?), have a good time and even feel 'connection' but there are parts that seem simply insurmountable.

The lack of relating to many things is the unifying factor between me and the specified groups: the shared experience of not having shared experiences

But yet, a more acute awareness of superficiality, and the drives and mechanics of human interactions, attitudes, identity and constructs, not taken for granted as default but built from the ground up (Most often out of either necessity or a desire to manipulate them, but still).

Actually, most straightforwardly, the shared experience of experiencing oneself as an outsider to society — whether people personally, accepted norms or expected attitudes towards self and other.*

Anyway, that was a whole semi-tangent I went off on (useful and relevant to the initial thought but not the point I was planning on).

Important point was...ah yes, insights!

...into how I behave under genuine relational circumstances. Due to aforementioned toxicity, I'm not sure how generalisable they are to relationships overall, but they should generalise to feeling-states.

(a) Fear. Defensiveness.

Switches off my brain. Obvious? No. I have been actively strategic while having a gun pointed at me. I thought I had that down. Turns out, I cannot dissociate myself out of an argument most of the time.

Turns out, just the fact or even prospect of arguing activates panic and brain goes out the window. Which is really fucking stupid as an occurrence because how many of these could be prevented with a bit of mindfulness and thoughtful responding. But getting emotions to chill out for long enough to do that is tough.

(b) I am a stubborn dumbass. Kid me argued until they were attacked so harshly that they absolutely could not continue. The alternative presented was to just keep silent, one I did not then and do not now accept. Discussion where both parties partake in good faith have generally been fruitful, only neither of these situations were that. Both involved one person trying to dominate at all costs. To which I suppose keeping silent for the moment and then running tf away is an appropriate response. Idk. I'm not sure if this is a 'normal situation' to which I respond unhealthily, or an 'abnormal situation' in which you just do your best to survive. Arguments are normal. Idk if other people have a less aggressive approach that is less outright terrifying, in which I can modulate, but it does seem like people want to prove you wrong and get angry, which I perceive as aggression.

Which brings me to boundaries. Can I shut things down when I'm overwhelmed. In the present case, the answer was no. They both didn't stop and the fact that I asked for this was interpreted as admission of defeat.Oftentimes, getting out of the situation was more of an ordeal than dealing with it. [We stayed at a hotel the one time and he did things that made me very uncomfortable (in like a “things that I shudder at thinking about even now” kind of way; not sexual btw which this has made it sound). I thought I was as clear as I could’ve been by saying, “I’m going to legit have a breakdown if you keep doing that” but apparently it came across as a joke (gotta improve on communication as well). He stopped and apologised when he realised I was crying, but later blamed me for not being more assertive and laughed at my ‘exaggerated’ response and “meltdown”. At this point I wanted to leave and go home, but he withheld [my copy of] the key. He insisted and manipulated and coerced for discussion, said I could have the key if I “really wanted it, but do I actually want that”, until it was just easier to give in. The helplessness and feeling trapped of that evening haunts me to this day, and I want to be very sure to never be in any situation where that is even a possibility again no matter what.]

I need to get better at knowing what is and isn't okay and being strong enough to enforce that.

(a) Attachment is a bitch. Utterly unfamiliar sensation, one I don't know my way around at all. The rarity of relation makes it seem so fucking precious, so fucking necessary to protect even to my detriment and his. Dare I tip the boat or will it sink. Should I be the dancing monkey to keep it from sinking. Should he.

(b) The feeling of giving a damn what someone thinks of me is also foreign and difficult. It also seems hella intensified by virtue of not existing elsewhere. Disapproval feels devastating. Criticism becomes attack. Everything feels like a continuous effort to establish worth. I'd imagined acceptance could be taken for granted, but I questioned it the whole way (obviously doesn't help when he demands changes).

(c) I have trouble distinguishing between personal issues and insecurities and legitimate reason to be upset. I think this is typical. But with trial and error, one can probably pick up on what you carry with you across differing people and circumstances. I don't have that data. I have nothing to compare against. I also suspect some parts of this is him treating legitimate reasons as being my distorted perceptions, which I'm pretty sure did happen for a few things that I believe are 'objectively' shitty.

I trust. Too. Fucking. Much. I take shit at face value. This is very often dumb and...bad in literally every sense, but I don’t yet know how to identify preemptively when that's the case. I also fail to be adequately 'suspicious' I guess to be alert to minor inconsistencies later on. Lies are especially devastating. I built my reality around you using that fundamental premise. Now you tell me it was false all along. Where does that leave me? I go back to substitute and nothing makes sense. I don't know if the initial statement was a lie or the claim that it's false was. I don't know if everything I remember is just distorted somehow. I don't know what to do. (aside: gaslighting? I’m inclined to say “effectively, yes”. The best explanation I have is that for many things he rewrote the narrative in his own mind and does not remember the things that blatantly contradict it. For other things, I cannot see that being possible and am forced to think it’s just pure lies). All of this could have been prevented if I accounted for people being dishonest.

(a) I lose sympathy. Genuinely did not ever expect this to happen. Enough hurt, enough deception and I stop trying to understand why. I assume malice. I expect malice in future interactions and misread situations as a result. In the beginning I made fucktons of effort to be understanding of things far from my typical range (hello, admissions of past violence and present homicidal ideation. Hello, talking someone out of real intention of ruining a person's life over a minor slight). Honestly, I think I overreached. Some of these things were not things I should have tolerated, accepted even. When I started walking on eggshells to not have him ruin my life, too, that was probably when I should've gotten out. He claimed that the people he cares about are exceptions. That's probably true, otherwise I would currently be in a ton of shit. But at some point I did stop believing it.

(b) I don't really think that most of the things that happened were malicious. Some, he admits, were. But mostly he wasn't out with the intention to hurt me, but he also didn't make the effort...not to. Even with me repeatedly complaining about things, he was defensive or dismissive, considering me talking about an issue to be me creating issues in his life. This is super shitty, his damage is caused by a stubborn ego fixation and sheer passivity, thoughtlessness (he has agreed to all of this in our final conversation), but it isn't exactly intentionally malicious. If he genuinely didn't believe there was a problem, that is an issue, and the fact that he utterly failed until the end to even consider the possibility of a valid complaint, is a very real flaw. He is bad insofar as "he is lazy and incompetent at being good". Which I can understand but nevertheless protect myself from. Ideally, sooner. At the point where I start feeling like someone is being shitty more often than not, something needs to happen. A discussion, a reconsideration, a run-as-fast-as-you-can... Something.

Idk. This isn't everything. But yeah.

* These 3 PDs are often used in illustrating the idea of pathologising difference: few of the criteria are about subjective distress and many about extrinsic value judgements of what a person should be like (lol, my clinical psych final had an essay question on this). I don't necessarily agree but it does speak to a shared thread of...something. That said, this characterisation is tbh still too broad for my liking. Importantly, it is definitively applicable to autistic people but I do not in general relate to that in the same way. Some specific manifestations of it, yes, but I have seen far too many excessively... 'human' autistic people to include the whole category. There are probably folks in the PD categories who are also like that but I think much less common.

#personal #emotions #reflections #relationships #personality disorder #possible tw abuse idk #if you're actually interested in reading probably best to do so tomorrow #not sure why I'm posting now in the first place #will reblog when I update #also needs links those are important

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