#another part after this I think

[strangersteddierthings]

No Regrets - Part Four

Part One🦇 Part Two🦇Part Three🦇Part Four🦇Part Five🦇Part Six

"Steve! Steve get up!" Robin's voice jolts him awake before she even reaches his cot to shake him.

"Wha?" is all the noise Steve manages to make in his sleep haze. His body is already sat up and swinging his legs off the cot before he even opens his eyes to see Robin.

"We have to go. Now," Robin grabs his wrist and tugs until he stands. She reaches past him to grab his mask from where it must have fallen off the cot while he slept as well as his boots which he barely remembers even untying. He's still wearing his jacket, he realizes. He was really out of it last night it seems.

"What's happening?"

"There's a Storm moving in," Robin says, shoving his mask into his arms before grabbing his elbow to get him walking. He goes without struggle.

"Okay? Can I put my boots on at least?"

"Put the mask on. You can put on your boots in the truck."

He obeys, masking up as she drags him out of the high school and towards one of the box trucks they'd just unloaded yesterday. She manhandles him into the back, climbing in after him. Hopper appears to close the door with just a nod at Robin and him before it shuts and latches.

Robin's flashlight flicks on and she tosses his boots to him.

"What happened?" he asks as he pulls them on.

"Wayne radioed."

He freezes in the middle of lacing up the first boot, his whole body feeling suddenly cold. "What happened?"

"They missed the check in."

"Robin," he hisses as fear climbs his spine.

"That's all we know, Steve," Robin whispers and it's the worst response she could give. Not with what she said but with how she says it. Quietly, gently, like Steve's a spooked animal that might attack at any moment. "It might just be a blown tire, or they ran out of gas. We won't know until we find them, and we have to do that before the Storm gets here."

He doesn't respond, focusing on tying his boots instead. It could be fine. It really could. It wouldn't be the first time a check in was missed due to a blown tire. But all the other times didn't have Dustin onboard, didn't have Eddie and Lucas. Didn't have people he'd lost- but. No? Lost? He's never lost them; he doesn't understand why a horrible grieving feeling washes over him.

Eddie, Dustin and Lucas often go out together to fix up the old Cerebro or to build new ones, just a little bit further than last time. Trying to extend the range little by little. Steve knows Cerebro used to reach Suzie in Utah, but the Storms drop the range so much. Whatever is in the air from the Upside Down has fucked everything in ways no one really could plan for.

"They have to be okay, Robbie," Steve finally whispers. It still echoes around them in the empty of box. "I can't- I can't lose him."

"You won't," Robin says, fierce and so sure. It's not a promise she can actually make, they both know that, but it's Robin saying it, so he's going to believe it.

More silence, the truck bouncing them around not too gently for several minutes before Steve asks, "who is driving?"

"Hop. El's in the passenger seat."

El's not a magical fix-all, but having her along decreases Steve's stress significantly. "Well, fuck, why didn't you lead with that."

Robin clicks her flashlight off, dropping them into complete darkness. "What would be the fun of that?"

-

The truck comes to a sudden stop, judging by how Robin and he are thrown around by it. He hears Robin mutter a quiet 'fuck' before the loading door unlatched with a loud scrape and opens almost violently. No one is waiting them, so Steve must assume El's used her power to free them.

He doesn't like what that implies for what they've found.

Steve scrambles out of the truck and rounds it on the passenger side. El's door is left hanging open. It takes him a few more steps to register the wreckage of another box truck off the road and on its side. One of the doors from the back is torn off, laying several yards away, and random bits of machinery are strewn about. There's a large inward dent almost perfectly centered between the front and back.

"Where are they?" he hears Hopper ask, and that's when Steve realizes he stopped moving because Hopper sounds far away still. He's frozen, staring at the wreckage, the large dent in the side of the truck that tells the story of a hard impact. They didn't crash on accident; something forced them off the road. Judging by the lack of large object, he can only assume it was some Upside Down horror, new or old he doesn't know.

"Steve," Robin comes into his view, getting close enough to prevent him from seeing most of the wrecked truck. "Come on."

He follows her on instinct, because he'd follow her anywhere.

The Storm rumbles above them.

El turned on her heel and began marching in the opposite direction of the wrecked truck. "This way. There is a building. Dustin is there."

Steve doesn't even have a weapon. Robin dragged him directly from bed to the back of the truck and he's still wearing the same clothes he's had on for almost a month now because when you're trying to survive the apocalypse, a change of clothing never feels worth the space it'll take up in your bag.

El leads the way, more soldier than woman and it hurts Steve's heart a bit. Another regret in a long list of them- but less than there used to be?

Steve squeezes his eyes shut and gives his head a shake, trying to clear the thoughts. What is wrong with him? Dustin, Lucas, and Eddie might be in serious trouble and he's, what, imagining regrets he doesn't actually have? Trying to process the grief of something he's never lost?

When he opens his eyes, El is looking at him, head tilted slightly to the side. He cannot see much of her face beyond her eyes because of the mask. She squints at him, as if that will help her see him better before she turns, continues to lead them towards what Steve can see if a barn in the distance.

El pushes the barn door open with her mind, calling out, "Dustin! It is me!"

"Oh fucking- thank fuck," Dustin says before he comes into view. "Is that thing still out there?"

"We didn't see anything," Hopper answers.

"That's a relief to hear," Lucas' voice joins them from somewhere but he doesn't appear in view.

Not being able to see Lucas kicks Steve back into gear. "Where are you?"

Dustin extracts himself from the hug he was sharing with El (since when do they hug so intimately? He's only seen El like this with Mike- but no, wait, Mike and Will have been together for years now and-) "This way. His leg's broken."

"Fuck, just his leg?" Steve asks, following Dustin back in the direction he came from. There they find Lucas, sitting up against the wall. His leg's not visibly broken, it's not jutting out at an odd angle or anything, so that's good. Or, well, better than it could have been.

Dustin says, "Yeah. Oh! Oh, you must've seen the wreck coming up the road. We weren't in the truck when that thing barreled into it. Bathroom break, actually-"

"Wait. Where's Eddie?" Robin interrupts.

"What. He's not with you?" Dustin answers, and Steve feels like he's been doused in ice water suddenly. "He left to head back, get help. He said he'd stay on the road!"

"We didn't see anyone on the road," Hopper says. "El?"

"I am on it," El says, eyes closing.

Steve thinks his heart has stopped. Eddie has to be fine, he has to be. Steve went through so much to make sure he was okay; he changed the goddamn past to resurrect him and- pain shoots through Steve with such a force he audibly grunts in pain and sways sideways, using the barn wall to keep himself upright.

"Steve!" Robin whisper-shouts.

His mind feels foggy, and his vision is blurry when he tries to look towards Robin. He- he- what was he thinking? It's like his thoughts are just gone, ripped from him as if they were water poured over his hands. He could feel them but instead of cupping his hands to catch the water, it's like he can't do anything but make a fist.

What was he just thinking? Where did his thoughts go?

"-feel terrible. I should have made sure he was good to go before dragging him out the door," Robin is saying when Steve's head stops pounding.

He wants to assure her that he's fine, but if he's being honest, he's not sure that he is. He blinks a few times, his vision clearing, before he looks at the group. Hopper is splinting Lucas's break, Robin and Dustin are in conversation off to the side, and El is by the door, unmoving. He shoves off the wall and heads over to her.

She turns her head to look at him. "He is hiding in the wreckage. Go. We will be there once Lucas can be moved."

He doesn't like that she says it quietly, for his ears only. A found party member should be something shared with everyone, so why is she telling only him? "El-"

"Go. I- Just go, Steve. We will be right behind you," El commands, and Steve obeys.

He doesn't start off at a dead sprint, but he gets to one pretty quick. He's thinking of what scenario could have caused Eddie to return to the wrecked truck, rather than the barn or keep going back towards Hawkins but all he can imagine is whatever was big enough to toss the truck off the road trying to do the same to Eddie.

Why didn't they check the truck when they stopped? How had El not known Eddie was- oh, Steve realizes. She wasn't looking for the group. She was looking for Dustin. When had that- since when were they close?

Red lightning streaks across the sky, a dangerous rumble following.

Shit, focus Harrington, Steve thinks as he comes up on the site of the wreck. He blows past their own truck, scrambling down the embankment and the short distance to the truck. "Eddie! Eddie!"

He's not sure what kind of noise Eddie makes but it's enough of a sound for Steve to find him. He's leaning against the side (roof?) of the truck, head lolled forward and kind of curled in on himself. For a moment there Steve's afraid Eddie's dead, but then he hears a wheezing sort-of whine. It propels him forward to drop in front of Eddie.

"Eddie," Steve whispers, hands reaching out to tip Eddie's face up and it's only then that the reality of it all sinks in. He shouldn't have been able to hear Eddie's breathing with a mask, but he sees Eddie doesn't have a mask on. And it wouldn't be the end of the world -they've been in the upside down without masks before- but the Red Storm is lethal. "Eddie, Eddie, where's your mask?"

Eddie blinks open his eyes and squints at him. Steve takes a quick inventory of him. His arms are wrapped around himself, and Steve can see that there's a deep gash on his thigh. Demogorgon claw probably, ripping right through his jeans and into the meat of his leg. When he speaks, it comes out soft and pained. "Who-?"

"Hey, it's me. It's Steve. Where's your mask? I'll go grab it real quick."

"Broke. Lost. Should be 'nother in the truck," Eddie mumbles through his squished cheeks that Steve wasn't even fully aware of cupping. He blinks a few times before his eyes widen and he says, "Dustin, Lucas are they-"

"Fine. They're fine. Hopper, El, and Robin are with them. Just got to splint Lucas' leg and the-" Thunder rumbles dangerously, a deep thing Steve feels in his chest. "Fuck, where are you hurt?"

"Hurt? Hurt, hurt," Eddie repeats a few times like he's puzzling out the words. "My fuckin' leg. Think I twisted my ankle at some point. Stomach," he drops his hands then, so show Steve the three cuts across his torso, too. They aren't nearly as deep at the wound on his thigh, thankfully.

More rumbling. The Storm's here and Eddie's- Eddie's doesn't have- Steve looks around, ignoring for now Eddie's inquisitive noise. He stands quickly and rounds the truck. It's filled with radio bits and bobs but there'll be room for him and Eddie to be out of the toxic rain.

Steve works quickly, throwing everything out of the truck as quickly as possible, sweeping things to one side so he can drag Eddie as far into the back as possible to avoid the rain. He wants, more than anything, to get Eddie to the truck they arrived in, but he knows he won't be able to get Eddie up the embankment alone, not without the risk of falling back down the incline and hurting them both.

As it stands, he has to drag Eddie around the truck and into the box trailer. Eddie's injuries are survivable, but he can't put any pressure on the leg with the gash. He settles Eddie against the back wall laying down. He hadn't thought too much about positioning, so it ends up Eddie's got to lay facing away from the doors in order to not lay on his wounded leg. Steve's shed his jacket, balling it up so Eddie can use it as pillow, then his shirt goes next, used to create a barrier between Eddie's leg wound and the soon to be extra toxic air. It's not great, but it'll help.

"Got nothing for your stomach wounds," Steve laments.

"Let's just zip my jacket and hope that helps," Eddie says, so Steve does. Eddie doesn't even try to fight him off as he zips him in like a child.

Now that Eddie and he are, somewhat, safe from the storm, he starts rooting around for that other mask Eddie said was in the truck. At least, he's hoping he meant this part of the truck and not the cab.

Plink.

Shit, fuck, he throws things around with abandon now, and quickly finds the other mask. It's smashed and cracked, probably from the weight of the whatever was bouncing around back here when the truck left the road.

Fuck.

Plink. Plink plink plinkplinkplink.

The rain falls, and Steve rips his mask off, rushing to Eddie to get it on him. "Here, here, I found the other mask, just lift you head- yeah, okay. Okay. You'll be okay."

Eddie pulls in a deep breath once the mask is secured, and Steve realizes just how shallowly Eddie'd been breathing before. "Fuck. Deep breaths hurt, man."

"Keep doing it anyway," Steve orders, turning his back to Eddie to watch the doorway and to prevent Eddie from being able to see he gave up his mask. He knows Eddie'll try and make him take it back but- but Eddie's injured, and they've no way to patch his wounds, and he's already breathed who knows how much shit air already. Steve knows he's more likely to survive breathing the toxic air left in the wake of the almost black rain falling from the sky than Eddie would be.

"Hey Steve. If this- if I don't-"

"Shut the fuck up, Munson," Steve's words are harsh but his voice comes out choked. "You're gonna be fine." Steve twists just enough to feel around for Eddie's hand, holding it tightly when he finds it.

"But if I'm not-"

"You're going to. You're gonna be fine so- so once you're back to Hawkins, and given clean bills of health, you can say whatever it is then."

"Steve."

Steve draws in a shaky breath that burns his lungs; not from the held back tears but from the storm. He should have ripped a part of his shirt off to use as a filter. It wouldn't- the difference might not have mattered, but his lungs wouldn't burn as much. "You'll be fine. You'll be okay. That's- that's," he stops talking because it hurts.

"... Why won't you say we. Why isn't it we'll be fine."

Steve looks over to where he'd left the broken mask. He can't lie. Eddie knows him too well for that anymore, but saying the truth out loud will hurt them both, and Steve doesn't- if he's going to- No regrets. Steve doesn't want to die with regrets. "I should have asked you out years ago."

Eddie squeezes his hand so hard it hurts. "Steve."

"I couldn't- couldn't be that selfish, I kept telling myself. Said I'd-" Steve stops because the pain makes him want to cough, so he does for a bit before he can continue, "said I'd do it once we ended the apocalypse. But that was- I was just scared. Scared you'd say no. More scared you'd say yes. I'm sorry."

"Steve. Steve, take the mask," Eddie says, and Steve can feel him trying to roll over. Hears him hiss in pain, so Steve moves faster. Lays down next to him, snakes his arms around him to hold him in place as he shoves his nose into Eddie's hair, burrowing in until he feels his nose hit the back Eddie's neck. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath then, breaths in the scent of him.

"I would have made you dinner on our first date. Let you pick a movie-"

"You don't get to do this to me! You don't-"

"-even though I think you have terrible taste in movies-"

"Stop. Stop talking. Don't-"

"-Maybe even raided the arcade for some silly stuffed animal to give you-"

"I don't- I want that. I want that, so stop talking! Stop- b-breath as little as possible!"

"'m sorry. 'm being selfish," Steve says, even as it hurts. Because it might be his regrets he's confessing, but making Eddie listen to things Steve won't be able to give him is selfish. Steve's not the one who will have to live with the knowledge.

His lungs burn. All of his insides kind of feel itchy now. He nuzzles at Eddie and places a kiss where he can reach, even as Eddie sobs in his grasp.

One last chance, Steve. I am sorry.

-

@i-less-than-three-you @nburkhardt @afewproblems @skepsiss

#steddie #my fic #time travel au #apocalypse au #butterfly effect au #another part after this I think #the apocalypse hasnt been averted yet so once more unto the breach or something

[astearisms]

may you find peace 🌾

#my art #it was so funny posting this on Twitter because not long after I posted it someone said ‘this is great #also I think you’re missing a child’ #i just thought ‘wait…no….did I?’ and so i re-watched the part in episode 5 where you see finn and his kids #and then i saw them!! #the neptr looking child! #i had watched the episode two times but somehow my brain just…did not perceive the child #another comment jokingly said ‘’not the neptr looking kid getting neptr’d’ and it made me laugh #another person sweetly said ‘don’t worry #they’re taking the picture!’ #i enjoyed those interactions #thank you everyone for liking and supporting my work #it’s a joy #adventure time #fionna and cake #finn mertens #finn the human #fanart

[vaxxman]

height ahh difference

#team fortress 2 #tf2 #science party #red oktoberfest #tf2 medic #tf2 heavy #tf2 engineer #this one's a bit fruity on purpose ahem #alternative title is “Gravel war field medic stands way too close to his patients and dies while taking all the collateral damage” #jokes aside I have been thinking about how medic is tall and if he were to stand really close to engie he'd be looking down onto him #for some reason I just like the idea of him doing that; hands in his pockets; staring at one specific part in engie's face but not his eyes #meanwhile for heavy he has to look up #Hallo mein Großer; wenn ich darf? And just zooms into his face but in a sultry way #put the back of your hand against his chest so it feels like you want to avoid actively touching him but very much do it on purpose #It's like neck and shoulder stretch exercises for medic; ↓↑↓↑ #Haha gotcha this was going to be another joke after all #👌 #This was the last thing I wanted to draw before work gets super busy again

[puppyeared]

Started listening to JTTW

#I know like a bit of what happens just from Wikipedia but I never managed to read past the first chapter. not even finish the first chapter #so im using an audiobook and made some doodles on stream to follow along #I think right now I’m at… chapter 4? wukong just finished beating the shit out of me zha and another guy and now he’s officially great Sage #I think after this part he finds out that being great sage is also an empty role and beats the shit out of everyone again + steals peaches #my art #myart #doodles #jttw #journey to the west #to be honest I found lmk and then jttw and not the other way around #lmk #Lego monkie kid #sun wukong

[perrywrites]

Part 4 of murmuring u want them inside u with karasu, otoya and yukimiya?? (the trio💪)

LOVE UR WORKS❤️💋

Hope ur well (•̀ᴗ•́)و

Byebye!

The trio comin' in piping hot WHOOP

Absentmindedly murmuring that you want him inside of you during practice part 5;

NSFW 

Includes; Sae, Rin, Karasu, Otoya, Yukimiya

Part 1 (Isagi, Hiori, Bachira) and part 2 (Chigiri, Reo) and part 3 (Kaiser, Barou) and part 4 (Nagi, Shidou, Kunigami)

The demand for Sae and Rin in the requests is CRAZYYY 👀 I see you guys, I hear y’all, I finally found the time (and inspo) to write, so here’s five of the remaining bllk crew 🤭🤭🤭 FYI Sae’s the roughest one to start with here SJGDJHSGSD the others are a bit milder/romantic

Sae: he raises an eyebrow the moment he catches your simmering gaze. You have an interesting way of causing him trouble. But nonetheless, he chooses to focus on his practice, effectively ignoring your amorous expression - he’s too good at playing aloof, but on the inside he’s less than calm; it messes with him more than you and even he himself realizes. But that aloof facade doesn’t falter even as he’s walking towards you during his break, expression as indifferent as always, though there’s a teasing note in his voice as he says, “You’re unusually brazen today, are you asking for more?” His question refers to how he had you last night, making you whimper beneath him as he pushed your head down into the mattress, fucking into you. Just referring to that would usually make you so flustered you’d immediately blush, avoiding his eyes as you half-heartedly scolded him - but right now… Instead of reacting shyly, you let out a deep romantic sigh, eyes hooded and dreamy as you murmur something about wanting him inside of you. Eyebrows shooting up, he stares at you for a moment for your bold and unabashed request, wondering for a quick moment if he misheard you. But your wanton gaze dispels that doubt instantly, and he scoffs at your shamelessness. ‘Seems like I broke your brain’ he wants to say, but the words don’t leave him, dying down in his throat as he stares at you for a moment longer, heat building up inside him as he catches the way your eyelashes flutter, and the way your pouty lips part. Oh, you’re definitely asking for more, alright. Asking for him to pin you down and shove his cock in deep, bite down on your shoulders to make you cry out as he roughly thrusts into you. He’ll keep pounding away into you, a bruising grip on your hips as he grunts in your ear, mocking you and asking you if this is what you wanted. All of your sounds, he’ll soak them in, tug on your hair to hear you yelp as he pulls you into a messy kiss - pulling apart only when he’s buried deep inside of you, hips stuttering as he releases and fills you up. His fantasy is broken when he realizes what kind of heated gaze he’s sending you - and no way in hell is going to be caught by someone with a half-decent camera looking at his girlfriend like he wants to bend her over - so he looks away and gulps down his water, wiping his mouth. “... If you want me that badly, then be a good girl and stop causing me trouble,” he says, without elucidating what he even meant by something as arbitrary as ‘good girl’ and causing him trouble - but maybe that’s the point. Because both of you know whether you’re ‘good’ or ‘bad’ he’s going to fuck you - the only difference being how much rougher he is when you’ve been bad. After that, practice doesn’t go as well for him as it should, to the point that the coach decides to dismiss him early (him, in particular), kindly patting him on the shoulder as he tells him to ‘relax’ and not ‘worry’ about the upcoming match. Classic Sae, he shoves his hand off, telling him to shut the fuck up with his assumptions, and makes his way over to the showerrooms. After that humiliating experience, don’t think you’re going to get away without some discipline.  

Rin: there is always a hint of pride blooming knowing you’re right there, watching him, supporting him, though he would never say it to you. He makes sure to not be distracted, but after every goal he still looks your way as you cheer loudly, calling his name with that kind of cheery glee that always makes his heart flutter - except this time you’re silent. It takes him a moment of sweeping his gaze over to find you for this reason, and when he finds you, his heart stops for another reason… What’s up with those eyes? Those dreamy, dazed eyes, face sat in your hands as you languidly watch him, were you even really there? Dammit, don’t just sit there like that, wanting him - but then what else were you supposed to do? It’s not like he wants you to stop… wanting him… or to go away… But still, dammit. This kind of frenzied panic only happens for a moment, though, before he sweeps his gaze away and goes back to practise like his heart isn’t thundering from your stupid audacity. Stupid, lukewarm idiot. When it’s his break and he’s walking over to you, there is a vexed crease between his eyebrows as he glares down at you - but it’s so obvious he’s anything but mad when the tips of his ears are burning up like that, his lips downturned in what can only be read as a flustered frown. “What the hell are you doing?” Stop looking like you want to be taken, dammit. You hum in response, a small, pining sound, soft like cotton and all things blissful. “I want you inside of me, Rin…” Pretty eyes widening and pupils dilating, his mouth parts open slightly in complete shock - you - you - what? What? It takes him a moment to regain himself, heart pulsing wildly right beneath his skin as he observes your dazed, adoring eyes as you look up at him, expression nothing but lovesick and yearnful, and fucking hell he loses his mind. You have no clue, do you? How much he dreams of you looking at him like that, like he’s your whole world, your entire universe, like you’re so taken in by him. It makes his heart constrict, antsy to do something - to you - because that’s the only thing that can calm this desperate need, dammit. He wants to give you the whole world, keep you trapped on his bed under his large frame as he makes love to you over and over again - until his name is the only thing you can cry out, sobbing, as he fills you up repeatedly, making you take him. He wants to see you ruined by him, all vulnerable and weak beneath him, helpless to his neverending affection. Oh, yeah, he’ll give it all to you, every piece of bliss possible. But… Not right now. Your timing is horrible. Beyond horrible. And the fact that he can’t fuck you right now pisses him off beyond anything, so as the shock leaves his expression, instead it morphs into a deep frown with an unforgettable blush. “... You better keep that energy by the time I’m done with practice, fucking freak.” Or else he’ll make you regret putting him through this dilemma right inbetween practice. Don’t play with him, dammit.

Karasu: he usually tells you to not bother trying to hide it, because he can always tell when you’re wanting him, yearning for him. But this time it seems like he has no need to tell you something like that; you’re making no attempt to hide your completely apparent and obvious neediness, glassy eyes showcasing your wanton stupor, and the way that you’re flushed… Yeah, he’s absolutely sure he knows exactly what’s going on in your mind. He pretends not to, though, as he continues on with practice - the way he can control his expressions and mannerisms down to the subtlest details is never not impressive. And he continues on with the whimsical charade as he saunters over to you, though he’s itching to tease you - nah, he’ll save it for later, when he can tease you all you he wants and then take his time having you… “Ya okay? Seems like ya have no energy, didn’t finish yer breakfast again, eh? I’ll take ya out for lunch later, how about it?” He plays oblivious, seemingly genuinely concerned, like he doesn’t know exactly what your deal is. That sentiment is immediately shattered into non-existence, and even he can’t control the way his eyes widen when you whisper that lewd sentence. Oh…? You want him inside, huh…? Need him that badly, hm? Expression falling under his control within a moment, he looks away from you for a moment as he chuckles to himself, but he can’t deny the shiver that had wrecked through him the moment your low seductive whisper had assailed his senses. “A little desperate there, aren’t ya?” You have no clue how good you sound, what you do to him when you talk in that breathy voice, do you? Oh god, it kills him. And now here he was, head full with lewd fantasies of how he was going to ruin you on his cock, make you cry out for him, turn your voice all hoarse, throat sore as you soar on the height of each prolonged orgasm he’ll put you through. You sound so good then, after all, the way your voice turns all sharp and whiny and blissful when he brings you to that euphoric high after teasing you for far too long. He loves the way your exhausted face melts into shaky satisfaction, especially when your trembling thighs jolt when he takes a few moments too long before pulling out, a soft overstimulated whimper leaving your lips. He won’t deny it, hearing that sweet sound leave your lips makes his cock twitch each time, makes him want to fuck into you again and again, if only to hear that whimper of yours over and over again. And it’s so unfortunate he can’t indulge in that desire right now - but Karasu is fully capable of being patient, very patient… Especially when he knows what kind of reward he’s going to take for himself at the end of this gruelling wait. He flicks your forehead. “... Well, since yer being so cute and eager, I won’t make ya wait too long,” he says, in a low, raspy tone, and he delights in the way you instantly react, shivering. That’s his girl.

Otoya: he has a sort of sixth sense when it comes to these kind of things, especially when it comes to you. Do you think he wouldn’t know what his cute girlfriend is thinking? He doesn’t have to look at you to know - he just does. So honestly, he’s not very surprised by your passionate gaze, eyes glassy and needy. That doesn’t mean he’s not delighting in your erotic expression, though, because oh god he’s enjoying this so much. He’s still walking over to you when he starts contemplating on bailing out on practice just for your sweet, sweet invitation. Pity, the only thing stopping him right now is your inevitable rejection, because you’re proper and controlled enough to suggest he remain in practice, he knows it. Soon, he’s next to you, sitting close to you, his thigh pressed right against yours as he keeps his eyes on you. “Yo, what’s up? You seem needy. Wanna get out of here?” He thought you’d fight him on this, insist he stay for practice, and he’ll have to sigh and accept being blue balled, drag his ass back to the field when all he really wants now is to sink deep into your plush walls. To his surprise, the look in your eyes doesn’t change, still heady and dark and wanting when you whisper what you do - and despite himself, his eyes widen for a second, his thigh twitching once. Outside of those two miniscule reactions, he doesn’t let anything else tell of his shock - and more importantly, the blood that just rushed down to his cock. Oh, you’ve effectively turned him on like a lightbulb. Because oh boy, if only you knew how badly he wants to rail you now for saying that lewd sentence. He wants to feel up your entire body, trail his hands all over and claim you, kissing you everywhere he can, drink in your mewls as his lips keep finding yours again and again. He wants to let loose on your body, take over and possess every inch, make your body sing with his touch, skin tingle with the ghost of his touch even after he’s done. And more than anything, he wants to pound into you, be inside you like you asked, his cock moving in and out of you faster and faster until he spills himself into you - yeah, he decides, you guys have been dating long enough for him to ditch the condoms (plural, because you don’t think he’ll go just once, do you?). He’ll go get you plan B afterwards, but for now, he has to spill his load inside of you, especially after you’ve said such a dirty thing to him. So that’s why, he’s getting up, grabbing your wrist and pulling you up as well. “You want me to be inside of you, hm? Okay, sure. But don’t complain when I finish inside of you.” 

Yukimiya: honestly, Yukimiya has no clue what kind of needy gaze you’re directing towards him, his entire focus is on soccer - he’s just elated and honoured to know you’re there watching him at all. This, obviously, changes when he walks over to you when it’s time for his break - immediately he can tell something is up with you… The way you’re cravingly looking at him, pupils dilated and hazy, makes him burn up to the tips of his ears, a very noticeable blush overtaking his face. He clears his throat as he comes up to you, wanting to say something about your… ardent state… but unable to, so after a moment he simply distracts himself by drinking his water, trying to ignore the eager appetite of your infatuated gaze. And within the span of a few moments, Yukimiya finds himself hunched over, violently choking. What? Did you really just say what he thinks you just did? Something like… like… that? However, as bluntly… lewd… as he found your words to be, he couldn’t help the sudden rush in his bloodstream, the way his heart pounds in his ears. The idea that you need him so intimately, that you said something like that to him, a dreamy tilt to your voice… It drives him crazy with an obsession to turn you submissive and pliant under his ministrations, to worship you and fill you up with exactly what you wished for. Languidly stretch you out with a slow passion, keenly watch your expressions thaw into pleasure and twist into need as you moan and whimper for more of him. And he’ll give you everything you’ll ask for, leisurely dragging his hips, trying to drag out this moment between the two of you for as long as possible, because gosh, he could just feel eternity at the ends of his fingertips right then and there. But alas, eternity is nothing if not humanity’s fantasy, and he’ll start speeding up as you start chanting his name. You’ll hold him close like a promise, and he’ll fall apart inside of you like a heathen turned believer, groaning your name softly as he finishes inside the warmth of your heaven. His throat still burns from all the coughing, and although you’re by his side, looking worried as you voice your concern, he can’t meet your eyes at all as he keeps turning away, unwilling and unable to make eye-contact. He can’t, not when his mind is still filled with such lewd fantasies of having you - it makes him feel like he’ll pounce if he turns and looks into your eyes as you look at him with genuine concern. So he mumbles something about going back to practice, jogging away from you, effectively escaping the situation. But the human mind is a tricky thing, and his proves to be a prison. A prison full of erotic visuals and thoughts about you. A horny jail, as you’d probably say, right? Did he use that one right…? He doesn’t know, but any attempts in distracting himself fail, and as his practice comes to an end, he comes to a clear conclusion; he needs to take you home and have you, right now. 

PHEW, I finished up five charas for this over two days… And with that, this series has officially come to an end as well! Kekeke! I hope you guys enjoyed this one as well! I certainly had a lot of fun with maaaaany of these the reactions are too funny 🤭🤭🤭

#ALSO I thought I'd enjoy writing Rin the most in this last part #but lmfao Karasu's?? omg?? 😭😭😭 #that man is... phew #the shaky thigh jolting detail and the overstimulated whimper detail I hold close to my heart #Karasu and Yoichi would 100% be fans of it #The feeling of having your thighs tremble and shake around them after an orgasm?? Fabulous. And the overstimulated whimper? #Oh they're going for another round alright #especially Yoichi #that man doesn't have as much restraint during or right after sex like he likes to think he does... #blue lock #bllk #bllk x reader #bllk smut #sae itoshi x y/n #itoshi sae #sae itoshi #sae itoshi x reader #itoshi sae x reader #itoshi sae smut #itoshi sae x you #itoshi rin x you #blue lock rin itoshi #itoshi rin x reader #rin itoshi x reader #itoshi rin #bllk karasu #karasu tabito #karasu x reader #karasu x you #karasu smut

[coquelicoq]

if you're wondering what the big deal is about the louis-philippe sentence in les misérables, it is, in the original french, 760 words long. the subject of the sentence doesn't appear until 95% of the way through, at word #711; the main verb is word #712. the sentence contains 91 commas and 49 semicolons and is almost entirely a list of laudatory adjectival phrases describing the erstwhile king of france. this is perhaps especially notable because les mis is, shall we say, not known for being particularly gung-ho about the monarchy.

this sentence copied and pasted into Word takes up more than one page single-spaced. in the 1800-page folio classique edition, it is fully two and a half of those 1800 pages. that means that les mis is 0.14% this single sentence. more of les mis is made up of this sentence than earth's atmosphere is made up of carbon dioxide (0.04%). if the page count of les mis stayed the same but every sentence was the length of this one, les mis would consist of only 720 sentences total.

incidentally, guess who named hugo a peer of france 17 years before the publication of les mis?

#he also goes on for another six pages after this but by then he has remembered the existence of the full stop #the endnotes say that hugo 'se devait de faire [ce portrait] aussi favorable que possible à la personnalité de l'homme #qui avait favorisé sa carrière' (had to make this portrait as favorable as possible to the character of the man who had favored his career) #in fairness to hugo it's not like louis-philippe was alive to read this. so he wasn't just sucking up to get something out of it #he says at the end of the chapter that this description is 'entirely disinterested'. which like on the one hand i get #bc like i said louis-philippe was not in power and reading this. but otoh victor 'ancien pair de france' hugo u r not exactly unbiased. lol #les mis #lm 4.1.3 #i just looked up the english translation and gasp! hapgood turned it into four separate sentences!!!! #so i think y'all who are reading it via les mis letters (which uses hapgood i think?) are gonna miss out on the full experience :/ #my posts #linked to #syntax #idk if i got this across but the worst part is that the subject of the sentence - the beginning of the independent clause - #doesn't occur until the very end. so for the first 95% of the sentence you're just waiting for the bass to drop!!! #like reading it out loud you have to raise your pitch at the end of every dependent clause because you haven't gotten to the subject yet #AND THERE ARE SO MANY CLAUSES!! 49 SEMICOLONS PEOPLE!!! FORTY-NINE!!!! #victor hugo would be TERRIBLE as a hype man. he would take so long that the crowd would tear him to pieces with their fingernails #before louis-philippe could come out on stage. and then they'd be so mad at louis-philippe for inspiring him that they'd tear LP apart too #actually i think i'm using hype man wrong. i'm thinking of the guy that gets the crowd hyped up for the main guy before the main guy #makes an appearance. a hype man is the guy who makes interjections during a song. victor hugo would be bad at both of these #like just imagine the announcer at the beginning of a basketball game. and now...your starting lineup...at power forward... #and then he just says the 760-word louis-philippe sentence. #dead. murdered at the hands of the fans. microphone shoved down his trachea.

[kizunagatari]

Special Signature to Save a Soul

a somewhat related part 2

#kiz draws #yugioh #yugioh dm #puzzleshipping #this is a ssss.gridman parody #and I totally gave up drawing backgrounds after the first panel lmao #there's gonna be another part to this but el told me to post this separate how awful #anyway I think more people should watch gridman

[moeblob]

This is all because I wanted to draw Arven with a lil braid and it got out of control with me letting my kids be friends.

Some formal event and Arven is like "I'll bring this along because Penny will probably have one" and then they don't have one so he has to give them his. And he's like "ok so i have heard of a security blanket but not a security boa......".

#pkmn sv #arven #penny #look at my children i was thinking about them recently #and spent like two hours looking through fanart of them and another guy from sv and it uh #made me really miss them #no i have not beaten dlc (i started the first part but didnt get far in it) so please dont talk to me about dlc #i have only done base game e4 and then a few gym battle test evaluations #i just love my kids ok #penny thinking the sunglasses will make them unable to be seen crying in social anxiety #and then failing miserably and sobbing over a security boa but they do get it and the evening goes fine after that #thank you

[hydrodragons]

yes your grace, anything you say 🫡

#genshin impact #genshinedit #genshinimpactedit #genshinet #wriothesley #mine* #wriothesley* #genshin spoilers #4.1 spoilers #story quest spoilers #here's the part two to the last set i did #ignore the caption i didn't know what to put 😭😭😭 #after all the cutscenes we got of wrio i kind of wanna gif him for my challenge #but im thinking he could possibly appear in 4.2 in another cutscene so i might hold off on that until then

[kingofattolia]

another note from the extended editions: what is the Aragorn/Eowyn dynamic? watching the theatrical cut it always seemed like a painfully unrequited crush. the extended edition scenes though... either I am crazy or or he DOES like her

#at first hes awkward and throughout he continually does his part to create appropriate distance #but he respects her and empathizes with her and thinks shes cute #lotr #grace for ts #obviously he's still living with the ghost of arwen in his thoughts 100% of the time #but likekkkkkke #its giving 'if this were another life and i were a different person' energy #when he pulled the blanket up over her after the feast?? am I nuts #I HAVE WISHED YOU JOY SINCE FIRST I SAW YOU im screaming #what a way to be told bye felicia

[public-trans-it]

i was a trans man until after a lot of build up of doubting myself, i finally realized that we are putting ourselves further into boxes by not accepting that we are the biological sex that we are and we can do WHATEVER we want at the same time.

clothes and makeup and certain interests do not equal gender.

and not liking being a woman is an unfortunately natural symptom of puberty and/or experiencing society’s deeply ingrained misogyny. and everyone deserves support for those problems.

but we can all fight together against gender social constructs in a healthy way without prescribing people hormones and invasive cosmetic surgery to make them more like the sex they “should” be according to… social constructs…. and help them be comfortable in who they are

Alright. Its been like 9 fucking months that I have been staring down this ask. What better time than to give TERFs some nuance than right in the middle of a fucking hate campaign going on where people (well... singular person probably) are calling me a TERF. This wont backfire.

This post arrived in my inbox shortly after I made another post about gender, and just how fucking weird it can be, and how I genuinely believed every single person on this planet has a fascinating relationship with gender, and so much nuance and personal identity in theirs. Even cis people. Even TERFs. In the tags, I even begrudgingly encouraged TERFs to talk about their gender on that post if they wanted. I genuinely think that TERFs do have really cool relationships with gender. As I mentioned in those tags, the quickest way to explode a group of TERFs is to get them to start talking about their own relationships with gender, and see how vastly different it is, and watching them stab each other in the back over it. So I told them to ramble away about how they view gender, as long as they stayed the fuck away from the rest of the blog WHICH THIS ANON CLEARLY FUCKING IGNORED.

But... this anon does bring up another topic I want to talk about.

Detransition.

Read More

I am a huge supporter of detransitioning. This is... surprisingly... not a very common stance in the trans community, and it breaks my fucking heart. Like, I get it. I understand why. A LOT of detransitioners, like the person in this ask, end up weaponizing their feelings of gender against other trans people.

My support of transition comes from the intersection of two very central beliefs of mine:

Everyone should explore their gender without feeling a need to commit! This is a pretty common belief in the trans community! Damn near universal in fact! We even have a fun little term we use for people who decide to play around with gender, only to end up a bit closer to where they started and being perfectly happy with that: Cis+. Someone who is cis, but at least put in the work to understand the trans experience, and actually CHOOSE to remain Cis instead of just defaulting to it with societal pressure. Many trans people are much more comfortable around 'Cis+' people, because they know these are people who have taken the time and put in the work of being an ally. Self examination isn't easy, especially not publicly, and doing so is genuinely one of the strongest ways a Cis person could ever show their support.

It is never too late to transition. This is also a pretty common belief in the trans community! It is... sadly not quite as universal though. But it is something very important that needs to be said. You could be 80 years old, sitting in a retirement home, and go "You know what? I think I'd rather wear a dress and be treated like a lady. I don't want to be buried as a man." And I think every single trans person should have that freedom!

I was discussing this with @thydungeongal the other day, far more paraphrased than this post, and she said something incredible that has been knocking around in my head ever since.

"Gender is an ongoing process"

Those five words they said to me sum up my feelings far more than this entire post could. Gender IS an ongoing process. My gender has changed SO MUCH over the past three decades. From the straightjacket of assigned gender that I was once forced into; to the very stylish and still lovable finely tailored suit of femininity that grew a little too stuffy to wear constantly, even though I do still enjoy it and try it on from time to time; to the wonderful and freeing losely fitting clothing of being aegogender, finally feeling free to be myself and just act naturally and feel natural without having to keep up an appearance!

And I think, there is no length of time you can try out being trans, and trying out new genders, before eventually coming to the realization you were cis all along. Even if you started HRT. Even if you got SRS. Heck, I don't even think you should have to call yourself trans to do either of those things in the first place, why would I be upset that someone did them and then realized they weren't trans? No single moment in your life should EVER lock your gender in place into some unchanging, set in stone thing.

So I support detransitioners completely, with my entire heart. They deserve just as much support as every other 'Cis+' person out there.

So anon, while many people may hate you and lash out at you for detransitioning, I want you to know, that I am not one of them. It sounds like your detransition might have been forced by peer pressure, which is heart breaking to hear. No one should ever force their own gender expectations on another. I hope that wasn't the case. I hope you came to the decision yourself, after realizing whats right for you. I will never give you hate for your detransition.

I WILL ABSOLUTELY GIVE YOU HATE FOR BEING A FUCKING TERF THOUGH. YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE WITH GENDER DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO POLICE THE GENDER OF OTHERS, FUCK OFF. GET THE FUCK OFF MY BLOG, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!

#I think I'm gonna start doing that for Read Mores #so you can find your place easier after click it #since my 'style' in these long posts is like... a fairly longish NON-readmore post. followed by the actual readmore. Let me know if it work #text essay #gender #detransition #I uh... also have some more... complex feelings of detransitioning #that may be a LIIIIIIITTLE more controversial......... #none of it goes against what i said here #its more personal stuff with my own gender and how detransition specifically is something that exists not as gender itself #but as the societal perceptions of a persons gender #but thats a more complex topic that I'll add on to this at another date #also I am absolutely taking this ask at face value for the sake of this post #but I am not so naive as to believe that the blatant TERF that sent it was being genuine #this is ABSOLUTELY the kind of thing they send people to drive a wedge in the community #I'm not even going to fucking dignify that part of it with any mention in the body of this post #edit: ........... okay the readmore accidentally moved somehow #I fixed it now though

[57sfinest]

calling harry a “can opener” was SUCH a good play for so many reasons i think about it every day.

in the context of his work, it makes him a tool. as many people have pointed out, including martin luiga, part of the hdb tragedy is that he simply cannot leave the force, and his superiors know that and are using it to their advantage. no matter what happens, even if harry hated every nanosecond of every bit of the work and wanted to leave, he can’t and won’t leave. they can leverage anything they want against him and then reel him back in with a facade of kindness when they “allow” him to keep his job, as long as he does what they want him to. the 41st knows he has this inexplicable talent with people and they use him for it. he’s a cop: that talent can be used in so many awful ways, to push so many different agendas. and they won’t even be his own. a can opener has no particular desire to open a can, aside from maybe the satisfaction of fulfilling a purpose. a can opener has no agency, it’s just a tool for someone else to use to get what they want. and he’s learned to be okay with being used as long as it means he gets to stay. his complacency with this system makes him guilty even if he’s also being harmed by it.

but in the context of his personal life you kind of... flip it. the people around him are going to be opened up whether they want to be or not, and it’s terrible for his relationships. it’s shown that the questions, the prying- the can-opening- it’s become inextricable from who he is as a person. it’s like he doesn’t know how else to communicate, except it’s hardly communication when you’re just ripping people open. he’s invasive as all hell, although whether he means to be is debatable. he’s the kind of person that wants to take things apart to see what makes them tick. he dissects people, but really that’s too delicate of a word for what he does; if he doesn’t get what he wants right up front, he’ll abandon all subtlety and go for brute force. if he can’t get your screws loose he’ll just smash you on the ground and pick through your pieces until he’s satisfied, and if what he did to you isn’t fixable? oh well, there are other cans to open. 

and he’ll use it for personal gain: we already know he is (was?) manipulative. once he knows how you operate, he knows how to make you keep him. he can yell or he can cry; he can threaten you or he can threaten himself; he can be completely suffocating or he can withdraw completely; he can be an incorrigible liar or brutally honest; he can present himself as a threat or a joke or a talent. he’s a chimera- that’s why he’s got this inexplicable magnetism, even when people know they shouldn’t like or trust him. fidelity of character means nothing to him. he’ll be whatever he needs to be as long as it gets him what he wants. the can-opening is just his way in.

#disco elysium #harry du bois #and it works on us the audience as well! #look at how many different versions of harry there are out there. each tailored to our individual preferences #we exaggerate and minimize his traits according to what we want to see. he's can-opening us too! #it's just like. of course his job will frame the can opening as a positive thing #but it's honestly one of his worst traits. or at least it is when he doesn't keep it in check #there's nothing wrong with wanting to understand people but the way he goes about it is harmful to everyone including himself #he's doing it because he has ulterior motives like 99.999998% of the time #this is mostly about pre-martinaise harry but i have no doubts that post-martinaise harry can go right back to this btw #a lot of us prefer to think of harry as drastically improving after martinaise which is great and i'd like to hope he does but. #it's also good to consider the overwhelming possibility that he will go right back to being a total shithead #and that may be completely unintentionally! which almost makes it worse! #ALSO. this is part of why kim makes a very good foil #for the most part kim will stonewall anything he doesn't feel like sharing #harry needs to respect boundaries and by god does kim have a lot of those (affectionate) #HOWEVER kim is definitely susceptible to the can opening as well #wait okay i have another post idea. #anyway thanks for reading. as always feel free to add and share thoughts! #kiwipost #hdb meta

[tsilvy]

something about those little moments in s2ep3 with crowley alone in the bookshop while aziraphale is in scotland. I watched them all as a single sequence and it's just... SO MUCH.

look. the fact that crowley is cool as a cucumber when aziraphale is around, but when he isn't... well. there's the deep, deep breath he takes while he watches azi drive away, and i can't tell if he's more scared of being alone with gabriel or worried about azi going away alone. because as someone pointed out, aziraphale gets the car keys right after muriel arrives, and obviously it's safer for him to take the bentley which will hopefully keep him safe as it usually keeps crowley safe; but at the same time, crowley has to give up what's basically an extension of him, the one protection he has ready, to shield himself or to run away with, should anything happen while the guardian of the eastern gate aziraphale isn't there.

and then crowley is alone, without aziraphale, without his comfort car, stranded in his favorite place which has ceased being safe and has become instead somewhat inhospitable because his mortal enemy now lives here too. and the way he's wearing no jacket, no waistcoat, and he's just so thin, and snake-like, especially standing there near gabriel, who is built like a tank and you just know that if he's right, if by any chance gabriel became hostile, even in a non-magic fight crowley wouldn't stand a chance.

and yet, AND YET, he's quietly explaining gravity to him, then trying (and failing) to make Maggie and Nina vavoom and also explaining THAT to jim (azi didn't stop to hear his very romantic plan so at least maybe does jim? Can I hear a fucking wahoo?!), and you can't help but feel how badly he needs to talk to someone, anyone nonhuman around who isn't immediately outright hostile, without censoring himself, without complicated feelings in between.

and then, the exact moment later, the temporary peace is broken by gabriel himself remembering something ominous and ONE MOMENT LATER YET shax is outside, complete with background screaming chorus, and then crowley is desperately trying to convince her they don't know where the archangel is, still playing cool but swallowing like that, and then she says Hell will declare war and he's just thrown for a moment and says "to me?!" in THAT voice! but it's even worse than that, because they'll actually declare war not on him but on his friend, and he could maybe cope with hell wanting his scalp (again) but Aziraphale's?! And then STILL keeping that facade and telling her that anyway the angel is inside in the basement, because he knows that Aziraphale is safe while he's inside the bookshop, and therefore trying to keep her off Aziraphale's back while he's outside and alone? Which btw doesn't work because she somehow knows anyway and proceeds on harassing the angel in the bentley the very next time we see him?! AND at the same time he's trying to keep her from realizing he is all alone, here, in the bookshop?!?

And he's been flippant throughout, but the moment she leaves he's like, wreaked?! And his first instinct is of course to go back at being mad and threatening at Jim, but even that feels pointless, because the machine is already in motion, and it's always too late, it's "we're doomed" all over again, isn't it? and the fact that he's shaking all over as he comes to this conclusion?

and then we learn that he hasn't slept all night after this, and as soon as Aziraphale is finally back he's immediately out as if he'd been looking out the window all night waiting for him to be back home safe, and for his car to be available for him to finally feel safe into, and i've seen people wonder why he bolts the fuck out of there as soon as azi is back as if he didn't need a breather after all he's been through, AND THE FACT THAT LATER ON HE TELLS AZIRAPHALE CaN I WaTcH AS IF HE'S AT ALL INTERESTED IN HIM RUNNING ERRANDS ACROSS ALL OF SOHO AND NOT IN FACT UNABLE TO LEAVE AZIRAPHALE'S SIDE NOW THAT HE'S FINALLY BACK AFTER A FULL DAY AWAY DURING WHICH HELL IS APPARENTLY ABOUT TO DECLARE WAR TO HIM SPECIFICALLY WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK

anyway what i want to say is this sequence is the epitome of anxiety and claustrophoby for me, and it plays like a horror movie. It's just A Lot

#and I'm not even mentioning the way the bloody minisode ends #or the fact that aziraphale feels the need to check on crowley immediately after that particular flashback #look i am a little unhinged abt this whole episode #and watching the parts inside the bookshop as a single sequence makes it SO MUCH WORSE #btw this is not the only claustrophobic moment now that i think abt it #the demon siege in ep5 is another one #the bookshop seems to be both safe place and limitation this season #good omens #good omens season 2 #good omens s2 #my meta #the resurrectionists #crowley

[seventh-fantasy]

li xiangyi, yin, and femininity

we all know that li xiangyi is a character of fractured identities. and li lianhua is an unreliable narrator to his own story. these make him not the most straightforward character to study. but I've believed in treating li lianhua as a part of li xiangyi, rather than separates. and there must be a common thread that ties all of him together. thus, I offer what I have found to be the most useful lens to use to view him as a cohesive whole, regardless as li xiangyi, li lianhua, or any other identity he may reinvent into: his 阴 yin qualities. (yin of yinyang)

this framework suggested by the drama's text itself has helped clarify to me his strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and struggles. by identifying this constant, too, makes it so much easier talking about what has changed in him.

[to the, hopefully growing, boli lhl hivemind @markiafc @ananeiah]

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there are some notes on the concept of yinyang and chinese conceptualisation of gender I have to preface with.

[disclaimer: of course, I'm not even trying to cover a tip of what experts have extensively studied and debated in a depth it deserves. all I'm doing is try to parse the broad, fundamental ideas that are needed to explain my blorbos through my own spotty brain filter. so there bound to be nuances I've overlooked or some degree of my own interpretation. pretentious but needs to be done.]

阴 yin and 阳 yang are concepts characterised by passiveness, darkness, gentleness, femininity etc, and proactivity, light, toughness, masculinity etc respectively. a very key and handy concept to have in mind is their relationship to each other - which I'll not attempt at explaining better than literal scholars have:

Yin and yang exist only in relation to one another internally as the way warmth-coldness only exist relative to one another. Furthermore, when using yin-yang as an organizational schema, achieving balancing harmony is always the goal, not domination nor subordination of one to the other. [x]

while yin and yang can be symbols of femininity and masculinity, it doesn't mean all female are yin and all male are yang. it's certainly not a strict 1-to-1 equation. the concept of gender in chinese context is more social than biological. this suggests room for fluidity, and shaping of identities, often through social rituals as one journeys through life. it also means that there can be femininity in the masculine, and vice versa - in fact, that's only healthy because you need a good balance of the two worlds. no one part is better than the other. if you think of the two components as relative to each other, they are always interacting and affecting each other, rather than being strict and inert binaries. simply put, it needs to be kept in mind that there are greater nuances in applying yin and yang to the definitions of gender, and to avoid at all cost a simplification of this framework into a binary.

sure, the show has implied that lxy's powers and energy are yin-coded. but femininity is only one of the multiple attributes of yin. so how are we extending lxy's yin to femininity specifically? it's in the text that substantiates and qualifies lxy as feminine. dead women being used as proxies to his character. being literally dressed as a woman in order to put himself into their shoes and feel what they've felt. adopting a name that happens to be very, very feminine - 莲花 lianhua (lit. lotus flower) (it must be caveated that chinese names are NOT gendered. but there are just some names that are more feminine than others.) him coming to lead a life revolving around traditionally feminine, domestic things as li lianhua. him having interactions with the women around him like he's in his own element - no pressure and tension at all, unlike with all the other men.

as such, I'm more willing to use yin and femininity interchangeably in discussing lxy (while it's not necessarily applicable to every point that will be mentioned albeit there being some degree of implied association). and it's for the sake of elucidating what I feel is an intention or very plausible reading of the canon text in parsing feminine experiences in lxy's character. and thus, his queerness.

one last note is that taoism is going be mentioned quite a bit as well because of how much it as a philosophy honours the yin quality. its key tenets include valuing passiveness and inaction as a form of action, and submitting to the nature of things. and we will see how those come up in lxy's life too. (though I'm not gonna attempt to deep dive into it here beyond broad strokes of it.)

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a huge part of li xiangyi's yin actually manifests in him being a passive person. this applies not just to li lianhua, but also li xiangyi. I know. ok wait hear me out. the idea of yinyang is after all components that can change and are relational to each other: thus, there were points in li xiangyi's life when he was less passive than other points, but they ultimately don't match up to the degree of aggression displayed by other men around him. so relative to their display of proactivity and aggression, he can be considered as passive. the best example is that of shan gudao proposing to launch an offensive on jinyuan alliance, while lxy - as much as he was arrogant about it - was standing his ground on not taking action in favour of peace.

it has already showed up in his childhood as well. he wasn't a particularly competitive child: 从来都没有谁要和你争 nobody has ever thought of competing with you over anything, he told sgd as he recalled of their times growing up. it was in fact sgd who was desperate to control and override lxy's presence. baby lxy did not hesitate at all over giving up on winning in favour of protecting his only rare few close relationships left in the world (given how hard-earned relationships are when they're non-familial !!!!). as much as I resent the one-dimensional writing of sgd, he has served as a very strong marker to highlight on lxy's yin.

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I've harped on it several times before but this is the time I finally get to explain it proper: my own theory is that li xiangyi became an unparalleled swordsmaster because of his yin/feminine quality, not in spite of it. an interesting point that had been out in the open unclaimed until it was brought up in our friend group is that, li xiangyi does not actually fit anybody's conventional image of a 武林盟主 wulin mengzhu (ie. ruler of wulin). it would most likely have been some burly, muscular, ultra-masculine dude. even if they don't look like the demonic monk, it should be someone more like di feisheng. but. it's li xiangyi, the boyish, delicate-looking kid, who came to the top. (no wonder people - mostly men - love or love to bully hate him like weak men hate powerful women??)

"why didn't they cast someone who looks more like a wulin mengzhu (read: traditionally manly)?" no, no that's precisely the point. nobody said wulin mengzhu have to look manly. and also who is to define the manliness required to be in a place of authority? (or in my other meta, we would ask, who is to define anybody gets to have the authority over anyone else at all?)

by taoist ideal, gentleness is the most refined form of strength. li xiangyi has been haunting and distracting me in my chinese calligraphy practices lately because I'm thinking about how this must be the closest to what it felt like lxy becoming the best swordsman in jianghu. (so pretentiously brainrotten of me, I know, BUT IT'S REAL and I'm suffering.) mastering a chinese art is essentially about mastering a delicate balance between force and gentleness; being able to draw force from softness 柔中带刚 and an ability to maintain this balance. a beginner will instinctively hold a brush for the first time with brute, unrefined force. some fairly reputable contemporary calligraphers, according to my teacher, can be seen as being either too soft or too forceful - but are still able to pass off as good enough. it's then, the master of masters who will have the sophistication of a firm yet flexible control of the brush with the appropriate use of gentleness/laxness that produces a harmony of strokes. this idea extends to any other sort of chinese craft or practice including traditional chinese medicine, and I believe, swordsmanship too. I'm taking a fucking leap of faith here to say this because I practise NO sort of (chinese) martial arts, I must caveat. (someone who does may want to say something...) but theoretically that should be how it works.

it is not for no rhyme or reason, or *handwaves* that lxy emerged to the top AND is almost undefeatable. among a competitive, forceful (ie. yang) wulin, li xiangyi stood out with a power and energy defined by yin (ie. gentleness and stability) that led him to create his signature 扬州慢 yangzhouman. it is characterised by 慢 slowness (my calligraphy teacher says to us all the time to take it slow), and also described by dfs as 中正绵长 - which I would best describe by painting a picture of a steady and stable stream. these precisely speak of the essence of a mastery of gentleness as strength to me.

conversely, dfs's way in mastering power is very largely premised on taking action because he literally had no other choice in the environment he grew up in. both of them develop in opposite ways. it was the case of gentleness for lxy clearly because he grew up in a safe, nurturing environment that had allowed him to be slow and steady at his own pace, drawing on his natural gifts.

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now top of the wulin world at 17, li xiangyi founds sigu sect. li xiangyi, the boy before becoming menzhu and li xiangyi the leader of sigu sect are not the same.

how then did a (relatively) passive boy like lxy end up founding sigu sect. this lxy is the one who was fostered into competition - though not in an abusive, twisted way. in fact he was raised in a rather taoist way by his shifu: to be honest with yourself and respect your opponent. so he honoured whatever powers he had been bestowed with by nature. he gives into it. even so, at another level, I just have a sense that shifu and shiniang's competitive marital spat had an insidious effect on the boys...though the detrimental effect was more on sgd than lxy. baby lxy feels like a sweet-natured kid who was just in his own zone, you know - some (aka sgd) would say, too much of him even, to have not realised what was wrong at all with his shixiong for years.

that's not all of course. I've always gotten the vibes that his attitude behind forming sigu sect felt more like, this is what all the good men of jianghu do and I will have to do it now especially that I'm the best. it didn't feel particularly personal to me, but rather what would have been expected of him by the social climate of wulin jianghu (eg. lxy saying to 光耀师门 bring honour to his teacher). it's definitely not an expectation from his shifu, who explicitly told him that he was never expected to become a noble figure of any sort, but just to be alive and contented. as concluded by the man himself as li lianhua: "有些人入了江湖是为了立心，而有的人入江湖为的是立命。我却不知道自己真正想要的是什么。some people enter jianghu for the cultivation of the mind, others for a cultivation of a meaningful life. but I never knew what I truly wanted." he was ultimately, unwittingly a passive player in his own story of becoming the great sigu sect leader.

(at this point, as a side note, I do wonder if there were any other similar sects or alliances that function the same as sigu sect that came before it. because I'm damn well sure there must be something, as likely as there must have been generations of wulin legends who came before lxy. but of course, this is not what the story is concerned with at all and I'm ok with that.)

it's crucial to point out that, even despite this being the phase of his yang in the display of taking action and enacting firmness, lxy had still done sigu sect with the sole purpose and manner of upkeeping peace and order (in the way of the pro-universal love, anti-aggression mohist 侠 xia leader of the people). he's still very characterised by yin in my books, especially when vis-à-vis to sgd.

a li xiangyi full of himself and made himself too useful to the people was only bound for a great asteroidal fall, in the concept of 物极必反 - or in taoist lexicon 反者道之动 (ie. anything that has reached its limit will only start developing in the opposite direction). if you think you're above all, you can only go down.

this manifests during the next time he took action - and it was one so forceful that it overpowered even his opponent, dfs who ended up being the passive, receiving party in this case - was in initiating the battle at donghai 10 years ago... and gee oh boy. it didn't end well - for both of them, but even more so for lxy. (dfs was like 'tis but a scratch (shrugs)' as compared to him being ripped off his tendons by jiao liqiao like nezha did to the dragon prince. truth is he had to go into a 10-year healing retreat served by his entourage. :p) ok, I digress.

xiao zijin was quick to attribute sigu sect's fall to lxy's arrogance - in turn setting the stage for lxy's 10 years of self-hatred and the framing of lxy as a villain? irresponsible figure? by jianghu. (god forbid girls do anything! ok for legal reasons, this a joke.) lxy lost his mind in ways I believe he never had in his life there and then upon seeing his shixiong dead. so, you could say he led the jianghu world to ruins out of love (using this term loosely). but it feels inaccurate to say it's due to arrogance. he did not do that out of self-importance or ego, especially when the revenge for sgd was a collective decision made by sigu sect as we know from the flashback. so when llh pinned all fault on himself for being arrogant in the past, it is with caution to take his words because that's the unreliable narrator in him speaking.

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anyway, it's precisely li xiangyi that is capable of bouncing back from such a fatal crisis, equipped with his yin and a mastery that gave him the power of flexibility.

it's extremely vital to re-establish that literally the only thing that was keeping li xiangyi alive, physically, as li lianhua is yangzhouman. (monk wuliao literally said that to lxy even though he did facilitate in saving him.) it's the yangzhouman that was drawn from lxy's mastery of yin. without yangzhouman, li xiangyi would not even have the chance to become li lianhua and undergo any needed process of transformation. without li xiangyi, there would have been no yangzhouman. no li xiangyi, no li lianhua, get it?

the point is not to deny the change li xiangyi wants to make and has made. but to acknowledge that change isn't about complete erasure and destruction. something from you survives. something in you had kept you alive to have you come so far, regardless of all the bad bits that you want to denounce of. you've always been worth it.

bringing back the thing about his new name: the distinction must be made that he did not pick it because it was feminine but it just so happened a feminine name had resonated with him. (read: he didn't necessarily identify as a woman but identified with femininity. at least within the parameters of canon text.)

he also made an interesting choice to retain his surname for someone who was desperate to sever ties from his past. hmm. or maybe he wasn't that desperate? when li lianhua says li xiangyi is dead, I believe it meant that li xiangyi the sigumen menzhu is dead rather than li xiangyi as an entirety. li lianhua is a returning to the path lxy could have gone if he did not establish sigu sect, the path that shifu wanted him to take. when he walked to the doors of sigu sect in the aftermath, nothing was actually stopping him from going back (people were still around and alive, instead of all dead people, you know)... except for himself. taking that action would have been too much for him. so he went with the flow of life giving him a chance at rebirth and walked away. there, inaction as a form of action.

zhan yunfei and qiao wanmian have said to li lianhua, oh that doesn't sound like li xiangyi at all. but has it been considered that, maybe it was sigu sect's lxy who wasn't the real lxy? sigu sect lxy was one big performance of the values of masculinity and heteronormativity that llh had came to an awareness of, and eventually struggle with again and resist against in the final year of his life. there had only been some glimpses of his true nature allowed (validated by fang duobing talking about lxy at his altar).

imho, most flashbacks of lxy during that period felt impersonal and more like a template of a hero expected to marry his girl at 18. going through all the motions and steps of a normative life even before he was old enough to grasp and explore his own identity and what it meant in the world. no wonder he denounced so much of what he had done as lxy including liking girls. walking away then also meant a walk away from those duties and expectations. li lianhua is li xiangyi liberated from masculine duties and heteronormative performance.

in doing that, he had the opportunity for the first time in his life to explore what he truly wanted, at least within the parameters of what he could afford to do at that point. he could go on to build a domestic, feminine life within the space of jianghu (as I've established here). it's a kind of feminine lifestyle that doesn't quite exist in mainstream society - being a woman there meant to stay put in a domestic space without much room to move socially. nor did it exist in wulin jianghu because even the women there like shi-guniang and jlq were expected to be masculine, aggressive, competitive. so building a mobile home in the space of jianghu is his way of defining the life he wants and can have. li lianhua is the extension of femininity in li xiangyi - and one that can be free.

it's also worth talking about in my opinion what is one of the most important and a favourite dihua moment: when dfs said to lxy that his greatest weakness was to like being a hero. and a swordsman should be without weaknesses. I'm forever wrapped up in how many layers this can be read in. was he mad at lxy for liking to be a hero or having weaknesses, or both? if the former, it was dfs criticising, based on lxy's public reputation, lxy's oversized illusions about being a hero - a figure of masculinity with an unrealistic sense to uphold noble goals eg. saving the world etc. that is actually perfectly logical coming from dfs, the straightforward, no-nonsense, morally neutral guy with no illusions about heroism (in this case, he feels more like a yin). but at the same time, we should understand that lxy's motivations behind the donghai battle are more personal than noble. if any, it was actually the opposite of noble - it was like he was acting out of the role of a caretaker of his family, and at a cost of the peace and order of jianghu he was set on guarding(!!) dfs also knew that lxy was there just for his shixiong. and so, dfs, who happens to be the epitome of yang, can be read as a symbol of masculinity disapproving of lxy for being sentimental and emotional; for having the "feminine" desires to simply want to defend his family (not saying those are exclusively feminine traits but they have been conventionally associated as feminine). I think both layers of reading are correct and should work together to contribute to the complexity of their characters. (we can see how it contributes to lxy and dfs being the perfect yinyang halves to each other, which I will come back to briefly touch on later.)

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for 10 years he lived a life of seclusion and staying-in-his-own-lane a taoist would be proud of. he knew he was dying and has always been ok with dying, as he claimed. but did he want to die? to think of it, it was the opposite. because in those 10 years when he could have 100% just taken action to take his own life, he didn't. in fact, he lived on and took care of himself in the way shifu wanted him to. he had simply preferred letting nature run its course. if bicha didn't take him, he wasn't gonna do anything. but if he died one day very soon, he would be ok with it too. sure, he was maybe banking on a lead to sgd's whereabouts to appear during his last years alive but that clearly wasn't the only thing on his mind for NINE years because he didn't actively go out seeking for that either. this is basically him telling dfs that he would just lie in the sun and wait for the sweet release of death, if dfs were to force him to fight. not even the mortal threat from dfs was enough to move him into action of fighting back or killing himself.

time and again, lxy as llh was dragged into fdb's cases but not only that, he also maintained an impersonal distance with them. it's starkly different from the usual (wuxia) hero archetypes (for eg. fdb) who would be more impassioned and personally invested in the plight of the victims- or unlike most seemingly aloof protagonists who would somehow grow emotionally invested over time. one of the many things I love about llh is that he never tries a second time to persuade people out of their decisions he finds unwise (eg. him just wanting to move on in response to the girls in 女宅 insisting on staying behind with their slave master at first.) he will not interfere in other people's choices made in their own lives. it's not his business. he didn't even want to be there, to be honest.

however as the story progresses, more and more people - especially men, his past, and the leads to the truth came back to demand and taunt him into doing something. they vary from well-meaning people without any harm intended such as fdb intruding upon his private space completely uninvited and qwm wanting him back; to dfs merely seeking him as a mean to an end initially (eg. I only need him to live long enough to have one last fight); and finally, on the other end of the spectrum, outright aggressive and hostile people like sgd and xzj who wanted him to die. under all this pressure, he tried his best to deflect, but he does waver especially when it comes to matters concerning the people he cares about aka his obsession wish of 10 years of looking for sgd's remains that had lied low until fdb entered his life, and then later on taking revenge for his shifu.

looking for sgd became his final bid at taking action. he was operating on a slim chance of getting some emotional closure from finding out his shixiong is dead for real, yes. what a good plan. but objectively unnecessary. or surprise! uhhh...finding out his beloved shixiong is actually alive and would strangle him for one corn chip? AND OH NO IT GOT WORSE- uncovering a devastating truth about his shifu's death that he could have totally gone on with life fine without knowing if he had continued not caring.

but it is sometimes just impossible not to care - it is only human to care. and he is human, not an icon in the image of a hero. so he took a chance, once more, and it killed him in unprecedented ways. it's donghai all over again. things in life don't go as planned. you fuck around and it fucks you back. finding out the truth behind his shifu's death and his family background from the past did nothing for him as li lianhua living in the present.

it's no wonder that this lxy decisively relinquishes the desire to take action in the end. he goes back to letting nature run its course. and this time, stands firmly to it despite everyone begging him otherwise. wangchuan flower could only give him a recovery (or survival?) rate of 30%. there's a 70% chance of failure and even in the 30% he was not sure what he was to become. in comparison, dfs took a 10% chance game of survival in a heartbeat, and it pushed him to new heights. that's how they differ: he thrives by taking risks and action while lxy the other way round. so, something like that has happened before and he wants none of it again.

-

he leaves lotus tower, only taking his horse and a sack - relinquishing almost every other material belonging he had - and sets off on a journey. before xzj interrupted...where to was he going?? I wonder. we don't know for sure, I think? and are we allowed to know? that makes the scene he had with xzj an understated inflection point in the very last part of his journey. yes, he was already on his way to...maybe die? but not necessarily. you don't have to travel distances with your belongings for that, right? or speak to dfs personally about not wanting to fight? (borrowing one of @ananeiah's takes.) regardless, he was definitely leaving behind jianghu - not only wulin jianghu (he already did that 10 years ago), but also the jianghu space he had carved out in the last 10 years.

what sparked the decision to jump off the cliff in him was dfs's words from the night of their wedding 10th donghai anniversary: 横扫天下容易，断相夷太剑不易 conquering the world is easy, breaking xiangyi sword is not. in the original context, dfs was talking about defeating lxy being harder than conquering the world. but when it came to this scene, it was to lxy about forsaking the very last worldly possessions he had after already giving up on lotus tower and hulijing (including releasing his horse), especially his only connection left to swordsman lxy.

perhaps it had dawned on him that, wanting things at all was bad for him. in the last 10 years, he lived a life of seclusion, wanting very little. but he had still wanted things. there were still things he couldn't let go of that had led him to this state. despite having lived on an identity inspired by a buddhist teaching for 10 years, maybe it was only at this point that he was finally the closest to reaching an understanding of it. (I wish I was knowledgeable enough right now to dive into the possible buddhist reading here but alas. I'll leave it to our resident expert @markiafc)

it doesn't quite matter in the end where he was going after all. what mattered was that he literally went where the water took him and we're not supposed to know where it ends. I'm not seeing this in a bad and pessimistic way though. I think the relief in all this is that he had tried his best to within his abilities. also it's a form of enlightenment in relinquishing a desire, an obsession, a need to take any more action in order to live well. thus his ending felt to me relatively tender, empowering, and kind - albeit bittersweet and heartaching - than other possible kinds of ending, in a story where it was very possible for him to have died under the knives of his opponents or bicha at any moment, outside of his control.

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if you've come so far in this post, congratulations! but also a reveal is that... you're not immune to the dihua propaganda threaded throughout this post. :P

as mentioned, other men like sgd and xzj in lxy's life were incredibly hostile to him. their yang nature overwhelmingly powers his yin. but dfs is different. dfs is the yang counterpart that fits perfectly to his yin.

dfs's yang is one that contains yin, that mirrors lxy's balance of yang in yin. it was suggested in text they are yinyang-coded meant to complement each other, given that whenever wangchuan flower's yin vs yang properties were discussed, the two men were always spoken about in the same breath. more importantly, as with the above few analyses of dfs's words playing a big role in shaping of lxy's choices with multiple meanings - as well as their day-to-day interactions - we can see that they constantly play off each other.

dfs's yang energy has been used to help lxy prolong his life (though not saving him entirely), while lxy has used his yin energy to save dfs and subsequently helped him attain his breakthrough. dfs has also helped lxy in his breakthrough of yin but not in the same way as dfs's cultivation of his combative powers, and rather, it's for lxy an understanding of his own path to take in life - a cultivation of the mind (both times 10 years before and after). given how significant dfs is in the shaping of lxy's realisation of the yin path - alike his shifu has, it's no wonder that they were the only two people lxy had imagined in his last sword dance of a farewell to jianghu.

with each of them coming together to form the perfect yin-yang model, they're a harmony of yin and yang representing the cosmos. what I also love is that they didn't start out as a perfect fit, but only towards the end of the story was the harmonisation completed, which makes sense for two components that are always in a flux influencing each other. the fact that they were number 1 and 2 of wulin, and being the only ones capable of understanding each other in a level nobody else could... it all reinforces the cosmic sense of their relationship. they're the halves to a whole, fitting in a specific way nobody else can.

(I mean. technically this is going into the space of extrapolation based on a tangential interpretation of canon text, so do take it with a pinch of salt. but of course this pinch of salt can do wonders for a shipper's feast... :P and this certainly could have been a meta of its own expanding on dfs's side of the analysis, but this is it for now in this context.)

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to think of it, li xiangyi has actually died more than that one time that turned him into li lianhua. first was a death of him as a nanyin royalty - I resent having to bring up nanyin like it should hold any weight to the narrative as far as I'm concerned, but the point being that he had a completely different (familial-based) life before that still stands. then he had a rebirth as li xiangyi, disciple and swordsman to his shifu and shiniang, and later died again when li xiangyi the sigu sect leader took over. lxy the sigu sect leader died at sea in the battle 10 years ago and came back as li lianhua. (just like nezha, died after battling at east sea and rebirthed from the lotus) li lianhua then dies by the end of the drama.

there can be a myriad of interpretations as to what exactly happened to him, including the possibility that he's still alive. regardless, we can agree that li lianhua as an identity has ran its course, and he had to evolve again. but into what form?

in the line of thought of yin and femininity, and how his transformation has been in an increasing degree of presentation of femininity - even way back when I was watching the show, I had the idea of him living socially as a woman post-li lianhua. I don't know what he would be realistically doing or what could be practical for him in such an identity. but conceptually it was sensible and compelling to me before diving deeper into the details. (I have more elaboration to do on this that I won't be talking about here publicly but it is in the same strain of idea as this other comparative meta I wrote.)

I think the next possible identity lxy can assume - alive in the material realm or not - is one that will be beyond a material being. a nameless entity. once you've gone through the phases of life - from not knowing to knowing, and perfecting knowledge, then to the surpassing of knowledge - you surpass all worldly existence, and become one with the cosmos.

I end this off with an excerpt from Tao Te Ching's Chapter 41 (I'm not pretending to have read the whole book ok but I couldn't resist including this):

明道若昧，进道若退，夷道若纇 [...] 道隐无名 The bright path seems dim; Going forward seems like retreat; The easy way seems hard [...] The Tao is hidden and without name. (x)

the character translated into "easy" is the same 夷 yi of li xiangyi's name. somehow this seems to encapsulate the journey of his life: one that seems blessed and smooth-sailing but ending up to be rocky and turbulent. but at the end of the day, after all that he had been through, he will become hidden and without name.

#莲花楼 #mysterious lotus casebook #lhl #lhlmeta #my posts #a big win for the inaction fandom. lxy would have been patron saint #this inevitably turned into a 'lhl is a taoist and buddhist story if not a very chinese story' meta hbhjbjhbhjjb #the last thing i do before going to sleep is write this meta. the first thing i do after waking up is write this meta. #i feel so insane writing this. it kept growing like a monster. do you think this is a joke it's like my part-time job now #but it's one of the few times in my life i have confidence in my insanity. so. #crazier thing is. this meta is approaching 6k words yet i still think there must be things i haven't covered. #the last section is so nuts idk how i even wrote it guys i think i was possessed #it's also like the most pretentious way to put that he's dead in this world ok hjbjhbhjbhjbjbh #to be clear iirc the drama didn't say LXY'S POWER/ENERGY IS YIN in the same way it literally said dfs's energy is yang #but it's definitely implied by the explanation of the flower's healing properties for both of them. on top of yangzhouman #also fuck. another reason he didn't choose to save himself was so dfs could have the yang flower which he believed was what dfs wanted #thank u frens mark and ana for indulging my brain in the first time i brought the lxy as woman thing up. for it to have come this far #ofc disclaimer is that a lot of this is my own reading. it doesnt have to be agreed by everyone #i would be very happy though if any part of it resonated with anybody #also a good part of the analysis is based on my memory of the show. though i did revisit parts selectively to verify. sooooo. yeah.

[commsroom]

there's an interesting statement being made about identity if you accept all of the wolf 359 characters are equally themselves as of the finale: eiffel is form without memory; hera is memory without form; lovelace is both, but without continuity of experience; minkowski is both with continuity - and she's still not the same person that goddard recruited. if we're never the same people we were, but we're always ourselves, then the only way the self can be defined is through its own assertion - and maybe it can be argued that "my name is-" (and later, being able to say "my name is hera" reintroducing herself to pryce) and "i am captain isabel lovelace. no matter how hard you try, you are not taking that away from me" and "without me, who are you?" / "renée minkowski, and that is more than enough to kick your ass" are all the set up for (and part of the answer to) "am i still doug eiffel?"

#wolf 359 #w359 #it's about accountability but also about inevitable change and the willingness to learn from the past #and change for the better #holding those maybe contradictory ideas in your head #that we can't escape who we are. the limitations of the self or the people we've been in the past. but also #that there's no permanent state of self we're bound to #that the self is a constant negotiation of presentation and communication with others and can't exist in a vacuum #but also that it is about inherent worth and self-defined and self-named #i think that line is so interesting. 'we can't just change who we are but we get better.' #because depending on how you interpret it it either supports or contradicts this philosophy #and i think the difference in how hera interpreted it vs how maxwell might've meant it is part of how they misunderstood each other #and why it's an idea that stuck with hera and that she returns to. and feels like it was a lie. after maxwell betrays her #but that's another discussion maybe. #and also of course. the significance of names in wolf 359. but that's a whole thing on its own too.

[arrowheadedbitch]

Shawn: The cream is definitely the best part of the oreo

Gus: Light without dark is blinding, Shawn! Dark without light is an abyss, come on son.

Shawn: Hey, Socrates, it's a fucking cookie.

Lassie: How do you know who Socrates is

Shawn: I went to highschool, didn't I?

Lassie: I'm not convinced you did.

#shawn:look gus if you are so impartial then you can have all the cookie parts while i eat all the cream. #gus: no way! every one knows the cream is the best part! #gus:also if you think I'm eating that cookie after you licked it you got another thing coming Shawn #shawn spencer #burton guster #carlton lassiter #psych #psych usa #psych tv #psych the show #🍍