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epigstolary · 1 year

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Big Deal

TW: Medical treatment and discussion of health issues.

Look, I get that you think I need to lose weight. I’m not oblivious. I’ve seen the worried looks you think you’re hiding when I ask you to bring me a fourth portion, or when you have to tell me you couldn’t find the shirt I wanted in a 9xl. I get it. But I really do think you’re making way too big a deal out of it.

Especially when you’re the one who helped me get to this size. I remember a lot of messages from you, back when I was still under 300, about how big you were going to make me, how you didn’t have any limits, how you’d love to see me get immobile and have nothing to do but eat and get even fatter. You pushed more than your fair share of cookies and doughnuts down my throat while you were fondling my growing belly; and you were perfectly happy to explore the rolls and folds spreading over my lap while you were making sure I had chips and soda and plenty of empty calories within reach to grow them even more.

And I’m sure you’ll remember, you certainly didn’t seem to worry about me or my health during my early gains. Where were your objections to me picking up the gainer shake habit, lounging on the couch drinking a two liter of the stuff for an entire weekend? I definitely don’t recall any. In fact, all I remember is how horny you were to see me starting to struggle under my new weight, carrying around a paunch that was hanging lower down my bulging thighs by the day, hauling around a growing ass that was straining my jeans more and more as time went on. I think you even told me how sexy it was when I started getting red-faced doing minor chores around the house, how your chubby little piggy didn’t need to worry about getting out of breath — that all it meant was I’d been doing my job of eating and resting very well.

But I could tell you were getting worried once my hips and thighs were too wide, the fat covering them too thick and bulbous, to fit in the passenger side of your car anymore. Once it started to become genuinely hard to find any clothes I could literally fit into, let alone look good in. Suddenly, there was a lot less food around a lot more of the time, and a lot less talk about how wonderful I’d be as an immobile blob. Instead, you started talking about going on walks together — walks! As if you were actually interested in my fitness all of a sudden. And as if there’s any chance of me hauling these hundreds of pounds of blubber and cellulite, this belly hanging down to my knees and crowned with two plump tits, any further than the driveway. We both know I’m not walking anywhere — waddling, more like — unless there’s a buffet at the end of the trip. Someplace I can settle down on a couple chairs, pull down my elastic waistband to give my belly overhang some desperately needed relief, and have you bring me about ten plates of food so I’ll have the energy to haul all this thickness back to the car.

And yeah, I know what the doctor said. I need to exercise more and eat way less. “All the weight puts you at high risk. Heart attack and stroke is only a matter of time. Blah, blah, blah.” He’s been saying all that since I was 250 and he wanted me to get a gastric bypass to cure my sinus infection. You know these doctors are all fatphobic and won’t even think about anything else once someone’s the least bit overweight. You never hear him talking about how my bad cholesterol hasn’t gone up hardly at all since I broke 400, or how my blood sugar is still barely prediabetic, do you? Nah, he just can’t stand to see a fat person prove him wrong by not being on the verge of having a coronary. He’s probably disappointed that I’m still able to get around at this size, instead of stuck in a hospital bed getting lectured by someone like him about my poor choices every day.

What’s the matter, are you uncomfortable now that you have to deal with the reality of a partner who’s over 700 pounds? Now that you have to grasp my forearm flab and heave backward to help me get up any time I need to get out of bed or off the couch? Does it make you self-conscious that whenever I walk or move or stand, I can’t help but breathe in raspy heaves with the effort of maneuvering more bulk than most people could ever hope to carry? That I’m going to make us the center of attention wherever we go? That the same people judging me for going out in public with fat hanging out of the biggest clothes I can find are probably judging you too for allowing it to happen? If I can handle strangers staring at me and whispering to each other about how a person like me can “let themselves go” so badly, you can sure as hell suck it up and help me get around.

So skip the lectures, the hand-wringing, and the bullshit about being concerned about my health that’s probably in the back of your mind. This is what you signed up for. You wanted a fuckable lardpile of your very own to keep blowing up, and that’s exactly what you got. Sorry it’s not the consequence-free orgy that I guess you were expecting, but it takes a little work to maintain a body like mine. And anyway, deep down under whatever angst you have about our situation, I know you still want me ballooning over a half-ton. Splayed out in bed, arms and legs too swollen with fat to move, belly flowing out past my knees, anchored in place by a massive ass with nothing to do but gorge and try to keep myself entertained. You can’t help wanting it, can you? Whatever worries you may have about where things are going with me — I can see your eyes light up just at the thought of it.

Now, how about you clean up those McDonald’s wrappers, get me a refill of my Coke, and pop a couple of those frozen pizzas in the oven so I can get started on lunch. Sound good? And bring me a couple aspirin, too — I think I pulled the muscle in my shoulder again…

#feeder fiction #gainerfiction #gaining #ssbhm #weight gain fiction #wg fiction #extreme weight gain #wg story #weight gain story #gainer stories

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wajjs · 7 months

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oh he's cunty alright

#blob blahs #the flash (1987)#1 #wally west

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phightingconfessions · 1 month

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i once had a dream where I was suddenly isekai-ed to the phighting world and let me tell you that shit was like a fever dream

i spawned as this guy who was just made out of literal slime and my ability was being able to throw living slime blobs at people like im some kind of mario miniboss

anyways immediately after I spawned I saw the entirety of the SFOTH just sitting at those kinds of colorful plastic tables you'd see in kindergarten and they were sitting on the green frog chairs in animal crossing (examples in pictures)

They immediately started out some kind of speech which I did not remember at all I think it was abt getting McDonald's for them??, after that I found myself in a phighting match with most of the phighters– the thing is that instead of their usual gear/weapons they were all using pool noodles and threw butter at eachother. After that phight Subspace immediately yelled out and said that he was going to marry Medkit. Medkit was not a big fan of that. Despite that they still had a wedding and the reason why they did was for tax benefits (i was the flower boy) a lot of wacky stuff happened blah blah which included Windforce putting Banhammer up for adoption because "he forgot bug type Pokémon were immune to dark type and made them lose the Pokémon battle" And then I proceeded to disintegrate slingshot by yelling "BEGONE CATBOY!"

I also remember exorcising Valk using a skibidi toilet plushie after "he ate too much peanut butter and peanut butter demon took over him"

a lot of stuff happened in that dream and the things I listed above were just some of the shit I found confusing or funny

IM GOING TO CHOKE ON MY LUNCHAB,ES HELP HASAGASHCX

#confession #phighting #phighting!

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imbadatwrighting · 1 year

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Hey, are your orders open? if so could you do headcanons of the yugioh characters reacting to s/o who has an obsession with the mystical elf card?

Nah cuz I had to search up the card cuz I forgot what it was 💀💀 also I was using a different fanfic site and just saw it so I kinda rushed to get dis done lmao 😭

Yu-gi-oh boys reacting to their S/o having an obsession w/ the mystical elf card

Yugi Muto

He honestly didn’t notice-

I mean he picked up on how constant you used it and talked about it but at the same time he does that to a lot of cards in his deck so didn’t think anything of it

He’ll listen to what you’re saying always though

Doesn’t matter how many times you have been talking about this card, he’s gonna act like it’s his first time hearing about it from you

He got you a keychain that had the mystical elf on it because he knew you would like it but he didn’t know you would like it that much

You were basically jumping with joy on this

He was too-

As long as your happy he’s happy

He listens to you repeat the same story over and over and over again about using the Mystical elf card and doesn’t get tired of it ever

“Ok so like I was battling this one dude who was all about offense and guess what?!?”

“What?”

“You have to guess Yugi!”

“Uhh, let’s see here… you used a spell card?”

“No! I got the mystical elf; she protected me and she helped me not lose…”

“Oh wow.”

“She really is my guardian angel. She must have sent you down as a gift for me.”

“She really is spectacular… and you know who else is?”

“Who????”

“You.”

“Yugi!”

Yami Yugi

He’s always listening

He loves to hear you go on and on about her; it doesn’t matter if it’s 1am or 4pm, he’s always interested in what your saying

He got you a rare mystical elf card for your birthday and you burst out in tears

He’s definitely in love with you and while he doesn’t tell you he shows it in multiple ways

Lots of people get upset when you repeat a story but he’s the exact opposite

He gets happy knowing you’re so happy that you forgot that you already told him this

Yami always says that you only hot headed when it comes to the mystical elf

The amount of times he cleaned you up after getting in literal fights all because of that card

So when he gets hated on you just say their ‘insecure’ but when it’s about the mystical elf you’ll get in a fight?!

Starting to sound like you love the card over him

“Ok! So the other day I was heading to the grocery story and these imbeciles where talking about how ‘ThE mYsTiCaL eLf Is StUpId’ blah blah blah and I walked over to them and started a fight!”

“Well maybe next time don’t go up to them.”

“It’s their fault! They threw the first punch!”

“I know but I don’t want you to get hurt… sometimes you have to let things go.”

“Hypocrite.”

“No I just want you to be safe and not die from some weak kids that have nothing better to do then fight random people.”

“Whatever…”

“Tell me, how did you first ‘fall in love’ with the mystical elf card?”

“You should know better than anyone how you can fall in love with your cards pharaoh.”

“I know but I love hearing your stories.”

“Is it because you love me, Yami?”

“Maybe.”

Joey Wheeler

He understand completely because he’s the same way towards his Red-Eyes Black Dragon

If you are hot headed and get into lots of fights about it then you’re even more alike

You and him are constantly venting about the amount of people that don’t appreciate these cards

Neither one of you are talking about anything else except this stuff

That’s all of your conversations every single day

What’s his favorite color? Don’t know you never asked him that. You’re always talking to him yet you never asked him what his favorite color is? Correct.

My bro is poor af and so are you so both of you have little to no merch

Unless it’s Christmas or your birthday you ain’t getting shit

Sorry not sorry

He’ll try to draw you the mystical elf but it turns out looking like a blob with leaves on it

You guys are always talking about which one is better

Neither one of you win the argument though

If you are a little violent and use that as a way to make people like your favorite card then expect him to be cheering you on… from a safe distance

You might be able to fight but he sure as hell can’t

“Go baby! You can do this!”

“Why don’t you come over here and help me why don’t ya!?”

“Didn’t you say you were independent!? Why do you be needin’ me!”

“2 is better than 1!”

“So?? Since when did you care!”

“Since now! Your over there tryin’ to act slick by leaning against that wall like you’re the one that is beating up these people meanwhile I’m over here working my ass off!”

“I’m not just ‘lEaNiNg AgAiNsT tHe WaLl’ I’m cheering you on too!”

“Yeah from 30ft away! Joey get your ass over here and help!”

“They’ll win!”

“You know they said that they found the Red-eyes Black Dragon useless.”

“Count me in!”

Seto Kaiba

Bro definitely acts like he doesn’t care

And it’s true-

Bro could not give a single f whether or no you like a card or not

I mean he definitely doesn’t constantly buy you things related to the Mystical elf

It doesn’t matter how expensive it is

If it looks nice then it’s yours

In Kaiba corp he has a whole room dedicated to the merch that he bought you and you couldn’t fit it in your house

He be buying so much it’s as if he’s the one in love with her

He’s not obsessed with her though, he’s obsessed with you

Not that he would ever tell you that

Not to mention the stuff that Mokuba gets for you

Dating Seto is like a two in one package

You get a boyfriend and a loving younger brother

Seto will subtly tell Mokuba what you would like and Mokuba will make/draw it for you

Sweetest boy alive oh my Lordy

Seto acts like he’s annoyed by your rants but honestly he doesn’t really care

He actually loves them

You usually sit in a spiny chair while he sits in his office chair, working, and you just talk about your day

And the mystical elf card of course

He will always tell you when you repeated a story

“Ok so the other day I was out, just walking around you know? Then all of a sudden I saw this guy in the alleyway and- ”

“You told me this already.”

“Oh right! Well there was also this time where I was at the mall and-”

“I was with you.”

“Oh. Well how about this one time where these two guys were trying to gang up on me because I ‘insulted their favorite cards’ by saying that mine was better-”

“You pressed the alert button on your watch that day and my guards took care of that.”

“Oh haha! I forgot!”

“I can tell. Why don’t you tell Mokuba about your day? He was asking how you were today. I’m sure he would enjoy seeing you.”

“Ok I will! I have a couple things to give him anyways! Bye Seto!”

“Be a little more quiet will you, please.”

“Oh sorry.”

#yami yugi x reader #x reader #yugioh x reader #yugi muto x reader #yugi mutou #x male reader #x female reader #x nb reader #joey wheeler x reader #seto kaiba x reader #seto kaiba #joey wheeler #mokuba kaiba #yami yugi #yugioh

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frankendykes-monster · 6 months

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Countdown to Halloween 2023, Ranked

43. Swamp Thing (1982)

42. Curse of Bigfoot (1975)

41. The Haunting (1999)

40. Orca (1977)

39. Teenagers Battle The Thing (1958)

38. The Beast (1975)

37. Don't Go in The House (1979)

36. Countess Dracula (1971)

35. Hillbillys in a Haunted House (1967)

34. Beware! The Blob (1972)

33. Alien Space Avenger (1989)

32. Baby Blood (1990)

31. Shriek of The Mutilated (1974)

30. The Mutations (1974)

29. Phase IV (1974)

28. Curse of The Faceless Man (1958)

27. The Sadist (1963)

26. Jennifer (1978)

25. The Wasp Woman (1959)

24. Noroi: The Curse (2005)

23. Girls Nite Out (1982)

22. The Monster of Piedras Blancas (1959)

21. The Cat and The Canary (1927)

20. Tell Your Children (Reefer Madness, 1936)

19. The Company of Wolves (1984)

18. It's Alive (1974)

17. The Wolf House (2018)

16. Michael Jackson's Halloween (2017)

15. The Girl Who Knew Too Much (1963)

14. The Omega Man (1971)

13. Gamera: Rebirth (2023)

12. Student Bodies (1981)

11. Night Caller From Outer Space (1965)

10. Inhumanoids (episodes 1 - 5, 1986)

9. Blind Woman's Curse (1970)

8. Maniac (1980)

7. The Child (1977)

6. Zombie 3 (1988)

5. Return of The Living Dead (1985)

4. Spider Baby (1967)

3. Basket Case (1982)

2. Messiah of Evil (1973)

Godzilla (1954)

Woof. Okay. This has been a mostly disappointing viewing experience.

Critical difference between this year's countdown and the past two is that now that I have stable employment, there is far less time to be watching horror films. I normally begin the countdown in September but we started in July of this year and still barely managed to crack 40, with my original goal being a full 100 this year. Timing. As such a lot of my plans and possible viewings were cut short and compared to last year specifically we fell back on a lot of "seen it already" at least for the top of the list.

This year's batch of viewings were largely blah, but a step up from the shitshow I put myself through last year (watching nearly every Texas Chainsaw sequel does things to a person). As such it'll be difficult to conjure up words for a decent chunk of these mostly because yes, these movies exist, I watched them, I would not recommend that you yourself watch them. That is all. If I write briefly on a given film that's not necessarily an indictment of its quality as there a decent number of these that I saw and enjoyed it's just their impact might be a bit fleeting. You will know which ones I actively disliked. I mostly just want to write about the top five or so but I will play fair.

Our grand loser this year is Swamp Thing, the DC Comics adaptation by Wes Craven. I watched this pretty much entirely because I finally got the Alan Moore Swamp Thing run in paperback this year after quite some time of having it on my to-buy list. Longtime Rachael/Ray/Ratchet fans may recall me reading it in early 2019 alongside [REDACTED]. Still one of the best Moore comics, and a second volume of Swamp Thing wouldn't have been possible without the success of this film. For context I did read the early Swampies by Len Wein and Bernie Wrightson and my general reaction to those was a'ight but there was definitely material for a serviceable film adaptation there. This is not that serviceable film adaptation. I'm not hung up on details like how Abigail has no connection to Arcane now despite being his niece in the comics, but this film is just kind of painful in how relatively unambitious it is which is saying something for Swamp Thing sword fighting another human mutation at the end of this. It's just silly and stupid and not scary or awe inspiring or anything, the Swamp Thing suit sucks, the action sucks, any sense of pathos is not there or gone, it stretches for 30 minutes too long like it's a padded TV pilot, the only highlight is being able to see Adrienne Barbeau's breasts. Fuck this it's a miserable experience to sit through. My mistake for watching a Wes Craven film that doesn't have "Scream" in the title.

Our next shitter is the two-for-one abomination that is Teenagers Battle The Thing (1958) and Curse of Bigfoot (1975); these are the same movie except Curse of Bigfoot has a 25 minute opening scene framing device that is bizarre given that "The Thing" of the original film is a Native American mummy of some sort unearthed by a group of white high school students. It's the rare personal pet project movie made for fun by some locals but the only highlights are the occasional kill scene, Curse of Bigfoot ranks lower just for making me sit through it longer. Blah.

Speedrunning through a bunch of these because theyre all varying degrees of bad and I don't want to spend any longer writing about these than you probably do reading about them: The Haunting is awful and I don't even super care for the original film so adding shitty CGI monsters and a moral lesson of "it's about family!" doesn't help. Orca is a shitty Jaws cash-in that's like a reverse Moby Dick where the sea animal hunts down the human, nice finale where the orca and shitty poacher guy are fighting it out in the Arctic but otherwise avoid. Don't Go in The House is a mysoginistic torture porn movie that really doesn't sell the "seemingly normal guy is a closet nutcase" thing even though movies made before and after have done it well (see Maniac several paragraphs below). The Beast is advertised as this really scandalous porno film but most of it is French aristocrats sitting around in stuffy rooms arguing about real estate. I think I only watched Countess Dracula for its inclusion in the "if this is her vibe I would fucking cum" meme and it's barely worth bringing up at all. Hillbillys in a Haunted House has an absolutely lovely Tennessee country soundtrack that I wish I could listen to without having to watch the actual movie which is devoid of both scares and laughs. Beware! The Blob gives off the feeling of sitting at a funeral for a family member that was just distant enough for you to be aware of them but not actually be upset but it's still a funeral so it's not like you're smiling, stick with the 1988 Blob film. Alien Space Avenger has some decent gore effects but that's all I can recall from it. Shriek of The Mutilated has one of the best titles for an otherwise uninspired yeti movie that has a needless third act twist about it being a cover for a cult and blah blah blah fuck you. Baby Blood has an alien mutant whatever crawl up a woman's vagina into her womb and she has to eat people to feed it and yeah I'm actually struggling to remember what happens here. The Mutations has a scene where a guy cuts into a tree and it bleeds, I think he's played by Donald Pleasance. Yeah, it's like Freaks except it plays to the freak show straight so you get to laugh at all the outcasts of society, no thank you.

Some odds and ends that I'd say are decent-to-pretty-good: Phase IV has some footage of ants and synth music. All you need is some footage of ants and synth music. Curse of The Faceless Man employs a rarely seen archetype of the living statue monster, it's cute. The Sadist is another starring vehicle for Arch Hall Jr., who was also the star of last Halloween's Eegah! (1962), though this film is a bold trendsetter for the 1960's with Hall being a unhinged killer holding people for ransom until they can fix his car and he can make a getaway. The film lives and dies by Hall's performance and it's mostly the latter until we get to an absolutely superb final act with him hunting down his remaining victims, it makes the whole film worth seeing. Jennifer is an oddball that plays out mostly like a character drama ("It wasn't my fault Daddy it was that stupid hillbilly bitch Jennifer") that suddenly remembers that it's supposed to be a cash-in of Carrie (1976) in the last 20 minutes and cue our titular character being able to summon and control snakes to send after her tormentors. Girls Nite Out is a plodding meandering slasher that's oddly hypnotizing considering so much of it takes place in pitch-black night and the killer is wearing a bear mascot costume with serrated knives hidden under the glove, not sure what fully to make of it. The Monster of Piedras Blancas is made up of leftover parts from the Gillman, Mole People, and Metaluna Mutant, but still manages to star in a decent enough film that gives a sense of what a series of monster attacks would do to a small seaside community. The Cat and The Canary is "cute" for lack of a better term being a horror comedy before the former genre had fully crystalized. Reefer Madness is horror adjacent more than anything but a hilariously good time about how the use of "marihuana" will drive today's youth into becoming crazed fiends and get involved in organized crime.

We can do this.

The Company of Wolves has an excellent story book like setting an atmosphere that you can't get in films nowadays and it's a shame that it's mostly remembered for its transformation sequences. it's Alive is the best Larry Cohen film by default of not sucking but it's still not "great", genius however for playing the concept of mutant newborn killer baby completely seriously without any sense of humor to the proceedings. The Girl Who Knew Too Much is almost a parody of giallo films which is interesting given those hadn't fully sprang up in 1963; absolute highlight is the main character being interviewed in bed by doctors and reporters and the like that yes she did see a murder and no she doesn't drink. I've always been fascinated and haunted by I Am Legend and while The Omega Man doesn't really capture the novel to a superb degree it's so beautifully shot that it lands high in the rankings for that alone. Night Caller From Outer Space is hilarious to me because of how it shifts halfway through from a Hammer-esque mystery about a meteorite with radioactive properties to a film about an alien that lures women in through a modeling advertisement. Blind Woman's Curse I've mentally confused with Irezumi for a while now (haha all 1960's Japanese genre films where woman have large animal tattoos on their backs are the saaame), and it's one I mostly watched for being directed by Teruo Ishii, but there's enough bloody yakuza fights and cats licking up blood for me to stick around; not the strongest Meiko Kaiji vehicle compared to Female Prisoner Scorpion or Lady Snowblood. Maniac I find mostly interesting as a precursor to American Psycho (2000) but also it's probably the only serious film to successfully pull off it's ending trope (which I will not spoil here). The Child is an absolutely lovely 1970's only-a-dozen-people-made-this-and-not-much-more-watched-it horror that oozes atmosphere, I could watch stuff like this all day. Aaand Zombie 3 is far and away the best film that Lucio Fulci has been involved with that I've ever seen. I love random scenes and set pieces of ghouls just massacring people that are shit out out of luck.

Okay, now for the ones I actually want to write about.

The Wasp Woman is one that sticks in my head way more than any other random monster movie that Roger Corman directed in the latw 1950's. I've said on here and Letterboxd that it could have served as a standard pop-feminist piece about how the cosmetology industry is built on misogyny and invariably a monster is accidentally created because of that, but this most recent viewing has made me sort of "get it" because that might be what the film is going for considering Susan Cabot's performance leads me to believe that she is aware that she is becoming a homicidal wasp monster but views it as a tragic means to an end where she still has the ability to have a new advertising campaign with her as the star. Tragic. This is why you don't wear make up.

Both Noroi: The Curse and The Wolf House are ones I didn't care for whatsoever but I put them in places on the ranking that I thought were fair given that people should probably watch them regardless of my personal thoughts. Noroi's format didn't really lend itself to the escalation of tension and reveal of information that the plot demanded and I found myself thinking it meanders quite a bit. The Wolf House was an odd one where everything that was happening onscreen bounced off of me mostly because I felt intimately aware that I was watching a movie, that someone had made something and that I was now being shown it. Blah. People like these so don't let me stop you.

Our animated offerings this year...

Michael Jackson's Halloween more than anything feels like an unlicensed creation that later had an English fan dub commissioned, not something that actually aired on CBS twice. Any laughs that I found in this thing were the unintentional type as we open up with Bubbles talking and being Jackson's chauffeur; you know exactly what you're getting into. Very little of the plot is explained but I'm assuming Jackson (who has no lines given this was made posthumously) orchestrates a dark fantasy adventure to hook two...teenagers? People in their late 20's? And convince them to follow their dreams of performing instead of working a deadend dayjob. I'm not sure who the actual audience for this was given it feels like so much of it was made for children but I will say anything that has this much of Michael Jackson's music in it can't be all bad, though I'm not sure why they didn't largely stick with tracks from the album Thriller (in the contention for best album ever, I don't care).

Gamera: Rebirth is one I feel like I'm on the outside on compared to most other tokusatsu fans because I didn't really *love* to a serious degree even though, yes, Gamera is finally back. The first three episodes are mostly just kind of a slog for me with the backhalf not doing enough to retroactively make me think highly of it, though giving off End of Evangelion vibes may make me consider that a second viewing must be in order down the line. Rebirth's strongest attribute is that it feels like it takes into consideration and influence from every prior era of Gamera, no stone is left unturned, and it's a marked contrast from how every recent Godzilla property only captures a single facet of their respective character. But that also creates unique issues like how a lot of criticism of ongoing US military presence in Japan is undercut so there can be a white kid in the main cast (because white children were always present in half of the Showa series) or having the ancient civilization that genetically engineered the kaiju now being malicious and actively sacrificing children as a means of reshaping the world gives me vaguely anti-semitic tones, I don't know, Gamera is still here, I guess.

"I was just a little twerp who liked Scooby-Doo and Smurfs, now I was viewing Cthulhu mutants ruin the Earth."

Everyday that we have Inhumanoids is a gift. Inhumanoids is another Hasbro/Sunbow production like G. I. Joe, Transformers, or Jem and The Holograms, and it is truly tragic that it never got anywhere near that level of attention compared to its siblings. The fact that a 1980's action figure tie-in cartoon is named for its antagonists is only the start; the series follows a small paramilitary outfit of scientists named Earth Core that are tasked with more or less saving the world alongside the Mutores, elemental beings, when the Inhumanoids, eldritch abominations, are unleashed. The degree of world-building beyond your typical "good guys vs. bad guys" affair is astounding with villainous humans and virtuous monsters abounding, but Inhumanoids is mostly magical and remembered for saying fuck all to any type of broadcast standards. Seeing giant monsters destroy cities, undead armies, and spelunking deep into the Earth (where nightmares begin...) are just standard fair here, as are witnessing the actual Inhumanoids such as Metlar (basically the devil) or D'Compose (giant undead entity that can zombify people by touching them and uses his ribcage like a jail cell) in action. The first five episodes here are the pilot movie of sorts for the series which only lasted thirteen overall, and they get more grissly from here on out, but maybe it's best that Inhumanoids is the short lived cartoon and no the cartoon that went soft as early as its second season. I will never not love this show, to this day it's one of my favorite animated series from any decade, much less the 1980's.

Back to our regularly scheduled live-action programming...

Student Bodies is a fascinating film for a myriad of reasons the first of which is that there were somehow enough slasher films by 1981 for there to be a comedy poking fun at all the already established genre-cliches. It's essentially Scary Movie (2000) a full 20 years ahead of the curve only actually funny in spite of the subject matter frequently being as juvenile and prejudiced; but it also reminds me quite a bit of Scream (1996) with stuff like two killers working together. All I know is I was in for a decent time when the film opens with three identical shots of a house just with different framing text: "HALLOWEEN," "FRIDAY THE 13TH," "JAMIE LEE CURTIS' BIRTHDAY" and then the killer, The Breather, calls the opening kill girl doing nothing but breathing heavily, she hangs up, he calls back with "I SAID [heavy breathing]."

Return of The Living Dead is one of those films that should have destroyed the any artifically-imposed boundaries between "high" and "low" art. Every aspect of this film is brilliantly made, it just so happens to be made for stuff like Scooby-Doo music overlaid on top of thunderstorms over graveyards where one female character is stripping to the concept of dying. Media involving ghouls is incredibly oversaturated, and this was still the case in the 1980's where a film like this had to redefine the rules to make it so killing ghouls was basically a non-option. It only recently struck me on this viewing that that's the whole purpose of removing virtually all weaknesses they have, to keep the characters as the nail instead of the hammer. Compared to the Romero films, there's never a point where anyone is in control of the situation, it just escalates further and further until there is literally no way out. Taking that into consideration, there's no way this film couldn't have been a comedy that frames people getting swarmed and eaten by ghouls as hilarious.

The soundtrack and the faux-punk sensibilities lend this a daft feeling of "you shouldn't be watching this" in spite of it not being one of the MOST gory horror films of the 1980's. I still don't get how this never broke into the mainstream. I mean somehow people know that ghouls (in this film) speak and only eat brains but I can't go down to Target and get a Tarman action figure like I can one of Michael Myers. As such Return of The Living Dead remains a criminally overlooked film regardless of its subject matter. It's made me laugh and cringe and feel disgusted and revolt at the concept at dying but mostly it's made me feel a delicious sense of joy at seeing corpses rise out of the ground to the tune of "Do you wanna party? IT'S PARTY TIIIME!" Some of you need to sit in the corner and think about your life choices for making stupid shit like Re-Animator (1985) or fucking Shaun of The Dead (2004) more popular than this, fuck you.

The act of watching Spider Baby is like discovering the missing link. For as much as 1960 gave us an explosion of horror (Eyes Without a Face, The Ship of Monsters, Psycho, Jigoku, Black Sunday, etc.) and Night of The Living Dead (1968) reins as the perennial transition point of the genre, Spider Baby is the road by which we go from The Cat and The Canary and The Old Dark House to the likes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Eraserhead, it's magical finding an essential piece of a genre you love so much. Both the former and latter points of comparison are apt as a family of now only children [and their butler] suffering from Poe-esque hereditary illness have their condemned house set upon by distant relatives and everything slowly unravels.

Lon Chaney Jr. is an actor who for the longest time I felt never got a proper chance to shine wherein the last 25 years or so of his career was spent playing as side character actor in independent films. Spider Baby is his crowning achievement. Seeing him smile through almost tears on several occasions as he has to play bridge between worlds of sanity and madness and lie to everyone that he has some sense of control over the situation is brilliant in ways I always knew he was capable of but had never seen before this point. Bravo.

I will never not love Basket Case with everything I've got. This is the epitome of 1980's horror and my clear pick for best of the decade. It has everything from being a grungy putrid grindhouse spectacle to being an intimate character drama to everything presented through a wry ironic lense where you can't tell if any "bad" performances are all done on purpose. Between this, Brain Damage (1988), and Frankenhooker (1990), there is literally absolutely no reason why Frank Henenlotter shouldn't be more popular than Stuart Gordon, Brian Yuzna, and Lloyd Kaufman *combined*. It's tragic that the world of cinema being enclosed and captured by studios again in the late 1980's prevented us from getting more from him, but realistically could we ask anymore than what we already got from Basket Case? I could watch this every day and never grow tired of it. I will never stop making more and more people watch this.

If Basket Case is the apex of 1980's horror, then Messiah of Evil is the same for 1970's horror. This is one of the most efficient horror films ever made in how not a single frame is wasted, the opening scene is literally a guy running from unseen force, seeking refuge, getting his throat slit, cue title card with synth music that then leads us to a sunburnt hallway as our narrator descends into acceptance of complete lack of control of the situation. Every night shot in this film must be 50 - 75% completely black with whatever headlight or store front there is just making the scenery look like a dollhouse that our characters are trapped inside. There's so many shots of people running away or walking down streets that make them look tiny as the camera is so far.

Every scene is an exercise in building up dread. There's no point where the film relents, something awful is not only coming, it's already here and there's nothing anyone can do. What I love particularly is that the mystery being laid out doesn't offer any answers because there's another mystery on top of what our characters find out only too late. Layers upon layers of dread that even the titular Messiah of Evil isn't the center of. The world is a cruel fucking place where this film languishes in obscurity whilst shit like The Exorcist enjoys mainstream attention. A lot of my taste amounts to "why isn't this thing I like more popular" and cases like Messiah of Evil vindicate me.

"Godzilla is the son of the atomic bomb. He is a nightmare created out of the darkness of the human soul. He is the sacred beast of the apocalypse." - Tomoyuki Tanaka

Generally a yearly trend is that a #1 pick for Halloween is self-evident to me and this year it was Basket Case for all of 30 seconds until I picked Godzilla back up.

There's something to be said how Godzilla isn't quite a horror monster? Terrifying but not necessarily creepy, but what power do things that go bump in the night have against the destruction of everything you know? Everytime I watch Godzilla is like the very first time, when flashing lights out at sea destroy fishing ships I have no idea what happened, or at least any much of a clue as anyone in film does when we're told that the entire ocean exploded.

Godzilla is a reptile, but lacks scales and its entire body is coated in keloid scars. In 1954 Godzilla must have been the largest monster every committed to film, trains are derailed from running against its ankle and bell and radio towers are throttled for being a sensory inconvenience. Godzilla's first on-screen appearance on Odo Island is obscured by a hurricane but the impression is clear; you can't fight Godzilla in the same way you can't fight a natural disaster. When Tokyo is reduced to complete ruin amidst a sea of flames, it's an onslaught of destruction never before seen in a film of this genre. Survivors being afflicted with radiation poisoning shows that Godzilla will claim victims long after being driven back to sea.

There's a sheer apocalyptic dread to all of this sensed by all the characters. Love tries to exist on the edge of annihilation. There's nothing that can be done but persevere and maybe hope tomorrow will be better. A scene that always strikes me is when Serizawa is adamant about not using the Oxygen Destroyer until forcibly confronted with the results of one night of Godzilla making landfall in Japan. The absolute pain felt by everyone in the finale starts here, things couldn't play out any differently as the "scientist of the century" can't join in and celebrate his victory.

Godzilla is a rare perfect film. I will never tire of it.

#long post

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