#but i have the bad feeling that some of these things cant wait til monday bc they shouldve been dealt with THREE FUCKING WEEKS AGO

[deadgrantaires]

i think im getting. more frustrated bc it still feels like theres a lot of things i have to do (like get back to long term dis@bility and stuff) but like. idk that any of that shit is super duper pressing? like... they already dropped the ball... i shouldve gotten paid almost 2 months ago and didnt... i dont think waiting 2 days... or even til next week... is actually gonna fuck me up that bad. like these things are important to do and as soon as they can be but... its more pressing to get some food in the fridge ready for myself than it is to be worrying and stressing over having called and been unable to reach anymore this mornign so i went back to bed about it instead of calling for another half hour... i dont think i did anythign wrong.... like i AM DISABLED. my inability to STAY AWAKE IN THE MORNING AFTER I GET UP... IS SOMEHTIGN HUGELY AND ONGOINGLY EFFECTING ME LOL. and like i have to answer all their questions but i dont think they can actually DO anythign until they recieve the documents from my pcp which they arnt getting until mid oct bc thats the soonest i can see her... BC SHES ON MATERNITY LEAVE!!! and im DONE dealing with this clown shes got as her replacement... and my case manager KNOWS that i TOLD HER THAT if it was an issue she wouldve clued me in on it!!

i just need to get through tonight. i just need to make sure that tomorrows going to be a better day than today. and w/e else falls through the cracks is inconsequential it doesnt fucking matter if i dont shower tonight or i dont call until monday. im fully aware of the vague deadlines im working around and truth of the matter...my world has shifted more from “deadlines” to “waitign around survival mode.” there ISNT much i can brute force my way into happening. i only see my pulmonary monthly. i cant see pcp for 2 weeks. i cant make the dis@bility people pay me any faster.

and on that note. i am going to prepare future rory some more food for the end of the week bc he had a really shit day and i think he deserves to have something to look forward to

[aplaceforthesoul]

🖤 I don't know if im just overreacting or not. My friend tends to blow me off every time we are about to talk on the phone. We'll plan it for a good week and then 5 to 10 min before the call she says no. Im trying to be nice. I try to work around her schedule. Like between both of us im the only one working and has limited time to talk. So when I say does Monday work for you better than Tuesday and she's like yeah. Sometimes I take an extra shift Tuesday. So when she blows me off it really bugs me.

She doesnt answer texts so that's why we talk on the phone 1-2x a month. It mostly makes me really sad or upset that she waits til im about to call to say no or that she doesn't feel it.

That happened every day this past week. I really just needed her and she knew I was going thru something difficult. She's like you can count on me to talk Saturday. So Saturday came then 5 min before she's like im going to nap instead. It hurt me bad. Then Sunday she's like no I cant. Then Monday she forgot. So on so forth.

Im trying to be a good friend and work around her. I don't want her to think im being mean. But I literally will not take a work shift or do errands on that day in case she asks to talk earlier etc. But when she blows me off it like makes me mad but really sad and upset. I think to myself she can't just give me 30 min or 10 min of her day/time. Because usually she doesn't talk much on the phone either.

I don't know how I can bring this up to her. We've been friends for 13 years. We both are in our late 20s. Im not trying to upset her saying I work and she doesn't.

if it was me I’d be so upset and annoyed by this, I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. 

a friendship is a two-way street, it involves both a bit of give and take. at the moment it sounds like you’re putting in all the effort and trying your best to be thoughtful and caring, and that’s not really being reciprocated. there also needs to be communication and some consideration of each other as well? and if your friend refuses to talk via texting / messaging, then she kinda needs to make sure her verbal communication skills (eg. talking on the phone) are pretty good! right now it feels like she’s not making any time for you, not being considerate of you, not being any effort to reschedule time to talk to show she cares...nothing. 

it’s not going to the easiest conversation to have, but I think you just have to be blunt and honest with her. since she seems to be avoiding talking on the phone at the moment? send her a message instead.

use lots of “i” statements to explain how you’re feeling at the moment (eg. I feel _____ when you do _____), it’s more subjective and means that someone is (hopefully) a little less likely to get defensive or argumentative. let her know that you feel frustrated at her lack of time to talk lately with no explanation why, you feel hurt that she seems to prioritise napping over supporting you when you’re going through a rough time?? I mean obviously everyone gets tired and she can’t exactly control when she feels sleepy, but even making an effort to reschedule time to talk, not cool. 

let her know that you’re saying all of this because you do care, because these are concerns you have and you want to resolve them so you can stay friends! say that you don’t think this is deliberate or intentional? but regardless, you’re still feeling hurt and ignored because of her actions. since this is in a message, add at the bottom that you’re always to talk when she has time to chat on the phone, and see what happens. 

it seems a very...final way to communicate? but if she’s refusing / avoiding talking on the phone and making every excuse possible, you don’t really have any other options at the moment. if she makes an effort to call you and sort things out? great! :* if she doesn’t? then I guess actions really do speak louder than words, and she’s not someone who deserves to be in your life anymore. you can’t keep putting your life on hold and not taking opportunities for someone who can’t make an effort to show they care about you and appreciate you, you deserve better xxx

- tash

#advice #friends #conflict #effort #communication #Anonymous

[chicagopd2020]

New Beginnings Are Good For Everyone!!!

Kim Burgess has loved everything about her job. Honestly it was getting to be a little to much for at times. She loves being an FBI Agent & helping save lives of the people & putting away the bad guys but she is ready for something different. She still wants to work in law enforcement but something with a smaller unit of people. Luckily she made a new friend with a woman that had some into the FBI a few months ago. Erin Lindsey.

She was given the job of showing her the ropes of how everything was done. Within the time that they had soent together they had become very close, she would even go as far as saying Erin was her best friend. She was jealous of her a little though becayse tge unit that she came from in Chicago was exactly the kind of work that she has always wanted to do.

It just becomes a bit much at times. I just sometimes wish I work in a unit like you used to work in, Kim says to Erin

Kim you have been here for right at 5 years if you a change nobody would judge you. Erins tells her

That may be true but I honestly wouldnt even know where to start, all I know is how to be an FBI Agent.

If I can set up a metting between you and my old sargent in Chicago, would you be willing to fly out there for a few days.

You would really do that for me? She asks

Of course as much as you have done for me its the least I could do.

Kim thinking that it wouldnt actually happen told Erin if she could set it up that she would fly out and me him.

Erin let Kim know to keep her a couple days & she would have an answer for her.

Kims weekend was pretty uneventful for the most part. It was just her & her couch...with the work week she had she thought she deserved it. Knowing Monday morning would come quicker than she wanted it to. As her alarm goes off at 4:30am like usual she gets up so that she would have enough time to get ready to make it on time to the office.

She arrives at the office at 6:30am like normal with her & Erin's morning coffee to help them survive the day.

Erin spots Kim walking her way with the extra coffee in her hand. She met her halfway because she was just so excited to let her know about the phone called that happened this weekend. She just had to let her know everything that she was told.

Good Morning Beautiful    Erin says excitedly with a huge smile on her face.

Good Morning to you too.    Smiling back to her

So I was going to wait til lunch and tell you the information that i found out this weekend but I dont think I can wait that long.

What are you talking about?    She asked puzzled

So I talked to my olf Sargent Hank Voight and he actually has an open spot in the Intelligence Unit. He is willing to meet with you next week to see if you would be a great addition to the team or not. I vouched for you and told him that he wouldnt find anyone better.

Kim had this blank look on her face...she just couldnt believe this was happening. She had pushed it of her mind thinking it wasnt going to happen.

I cant think you enough for doing this for me. What if he doesnt like me?

Just be yourself & he will love you. Plus ive seen first hand what you can do in the field. I know you are an amazing cop & would be a perfect fit for the team.

All Kim could do is hug Erin so tight.

She left for Chicago tomorrow & would be there for couple days. She has never been more nervous about anything but the only reason that she was this way was because she wanted it so bad. Everything was packed and ready to head to what she was hoping was the beginning of a new start to the rest of her life.

**Jay**

Ever since Erin had left without saying anything to him he just hasnt been the same. He goes to work does his job but besides that he doesnt really care about much of anything else. His job is the only thing that he has good going for him right now. He would only hang with the team at mollys for few drinks but he would always stay quiet just thinking about maybe what he done to cause her to up and leave him without as much as an explanation.

Everyone was worried about Jay, they knew he was hurting because of her leaving but he never let it affect his job performance. They just want him to be happy and find someone to make him happy again. They all know that she isnt coming back this time. She is gone for good and there is nothing that Jay,Hank or anyone on the team could do to bring her back. Maybe they could talk him into letting them set him up on a blind date.

5 months had gone by and he knew that he should put himself back out in the dating world but he didnt really want to start caring about someone again the way he did her just to be hurt again, but he also knows that he cant compare every woman to her and not every woman out there is going to hurt him or leave him. He just has to be a little more cautious this time before letting someone competely in. Maybe just maybe he might take the guys up on their option of letting them set me up on a blind date, I mean if it doesnt work out i mean at least he cant say that he didnt try.

He walks into the pin and he sees Adam & Kevin having a conversation so he walks up to them with a slight smile on his face.

Set it up. He blurts out

They both look at him kind of lost.

Ok..What exactly are you setting up?

You said that you wanted to set me up on a blind date & i thought that i would give it a shot. Whats the worst thing that could happen....Get stood up or End up not having a good time. I will never know if I dont give it a shot.

They were surprised but they are just glad that he is finally putting himself out there or at least giving them the opportunity to get him back in the dating life.

You got it brother..    They both say with a smile on their face.

Saying that he was nervous was a little bit of an understatement. He had arrived a little bit early just to make sure that everything was fine and set up to his liking. He had been sitting for 30 mins. She was a few mins late...whoever she was.

After sitting there for a little while longer he realized that she wasnt coming so he just decided to go to the bar and have drink or 2 or 4 he hadnt really made up his mind. He was sitting there looking at his drink when he seen a shadow standing next to him.

Is this seat taken? The nice lady ask

Not at all feel free he says as he goes back to nursing his drink getting lost in his thoughts.

Im sorry i dont mean to intrude but are you ok? You dont look the best...No offense. She ask him

No offense taken. I let my friends set me up on a blind date and whoever she was decided that to stand me up, so instead of sitting at the table looking like a fool i decided that i would come over here and have a few drinks. So i guess you could say that i have been better. Whats a lady like you doing out at this time of night?

I am staying in a room upstairs & have alot going through my mind so i thought that maybe if I came down here and had a drink that maybe it would ease my mind a bit and that i would actually be able to get some sleep. She informs him

Are you in Chicago for business or fun?

I am here for business I am currently living in Washington but I have an interview tomorrow and if all goes well then i may just end up permanently in Chicago. Heres to hoping she says as she holds up her glass.

He holds his up as well. I hope everything goes the way that you want it to tomorrow. My name is Jay he says as he sticks out his hand with a small smile.

My name is Kim it was very nice meeting you Jay but I think that it is time that i head upstairs to get some rest so that i dont look too tired in the morning. Good Night and I hope that your night gets better.

Thank you Kim, Good Luck tomorrow on your interview.

As she walks away he couldnt help but to look over his shoulder one last time before she was out of his sight knowing that he may never see this woman again. He was surprised that when he looked over he shoulder that his eyes was met with hers looking right back at him and she turn the corner with one final smile. When she was out of his sight he finished the drink in his hand he decided to just head home, turns out that being stood up turned out to be one of the best things that had happened to him. He really had to thank the boys for choosing such a horrible date for him.

PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK...AND BE TRUTHFUL & LET ME KNOW IF I SHOULD CONTINUE OR NOT????

#jay halstead imagine #jay halstead x reader #kim burgess #chicago pd x reader #Jay halstead x kim burgess #chicagopd

[dammitradar]

Funny stories of things you/you and your friends have done and/or funny public school stories?

Oooh boy yes, let me tell you guys. about. The greatest week of my life.

Summer of 2016. I was gonna be a junior in high school.

Me and my brother, along with 2 other guys and 2 girls and 2 counselors, went to camp together for a week long canoe trip. According to the original plan, it was supposed to be about a five or six hour drive north on Monday, then we canoe for a week and camp along the river, then drive back to camp on Friday. Amazing, right?

We were a bit wrong.

Sunday night: our counselor Dan breaks to us that he cant come with us cause he has Lyme disease, we'd be going with a different counselor Xavier instead.

Monday we arrive at the river at about 3 in the afternoon, we start canoeing down toward campsite 1. After a couple hours, the weather starts to pick up. Like it was scary looking, windy, all that. We start really booking it, miss the campsite, and pull a U turn on the river (which is super unideal and pretty fucking hard to do on a fast moving river)

We pitch the tents lightning fast, dive inside, and BOOM the storm hits

It thunders intensely the whole time, starting about 6 and going til about 2 am

We end up eating together into he girls tent, cold granola and milk cause we couldn't build a fire.

Have an awesome deep life chat, ironically we talked about the power of silence (lol it was extremely loud the whole time)

Didnt sleep until like 2 when the storm lifts

Tuesday morning: there.are. SLUGS. EVERYWHERE.

All over the tent, the shoes, the boats, the food bags, everywhere.

We get rid of the slugs, pack and leave. At this point the river was like 4 feet higher than yesterday. Random debris and shit in the water, branches, low bridges. Not ideal, but we said " fuck it let's go"

After a few hours we see 2 cops on the side of the river. They flag us down and yell "hey we're looking for 20 college students, have you seen them, they need to get out of the river"

We were, decidedly, not 20 college students. More like 6 high schoolers and 2 college students. So we say we'll keep an eye out.

Great. So we keep going.

2 hours later: the same damn cops on a bridge.

"Hey guys the river is like super flooded right now, you should get out at some point"

We said we'd go to the next campsite and exit the river there. Cops are fine with that and leave.

4 hours later. THE SAME DAMN COPS. on a hotel dock across this windy fucking lake. We battle the headwind for like 20 minutes, make it across, and there they are, the same fucking cops.

"Hey, it turns out you guys are the college students we were looking for, please get out"

We get out, chill on the dock for like 2 more hours while we wait for the car to come with the trailer to take us and the canoes back to Camp. Hotel guests keep looking at us like we're weird homeless vagrants, we smile and wave. Fun times.

Finally we drive back, we pull in around 1am.

Wednesday the counselors feel bad that we didnt get to canoe all week long, so we go to camp out at Devil's Lake state park. We swim, hike, scream around. Life is good.

Xavier promises us that we get to go spelunking, which is like cave exploring. We are unbelievably excited. Hell yeah.

Thursday: Xavier smashes his hand between a trailer hitch and a tree. No spelunking. We are devastated.

Xavier goes to ER, gets replaced by a different counselor names Caroline. She offers to take us stream hiking as consolation.

Stream hiking is incredible. There were waterfalls and cliffs and pools, it was beautiful. Still bummed about spelunking.

Friday morning: a third counselor arrives named Nate

He says the magic words:

"I'm here to take you spelunking."

If you have never been spelunking before, do it. Its amazing. At one point we all turned off our lights and held our breath, and the silence was so loud and the darkness was so thick it was unreal. I LOVED IT.

So yeah that was my favorite memory of my high school life.

[btsjfans]

Our Song (pt 6)

Summary: School playboy, and jock Jungkook is the last person you’d expect to be a soulful musician, but everybody has their secrets

Jungkook x Reader (fluff, angst, smut next chapter)

a/n: ahhh thank you for all the requests, getting requests and feedback about my stories literally makes my life I love you all so freaking much ALSO SORRY IT TAKES ME LIKE 50 YEARS TO POST OMFG

masterlist

part 1   2   3   4   5 

“Y/n L/n IT IS 2:17AM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA--” Your mother screams, pacing in the kitchen, while your dad scowls beside her. You sit at the dinner table, numbly listening to their tirade. You’re still half asleep, and tired from earlier. 

You’d fallen asleep at Jungkook’s earlier that night, and woken up when he’d rolled over in his sleep, and flopped on top of you. In the moment it was funny, until you read the clock that glowed “2:10am” in ominous white lettering. 

“JUNGKOOK I-AGDHGDJ” You’d screamed, pushing him off and springing from the bed. He sat up, hair sticking up in all directions as you hopped around his room, desperately tugging your jeans on. 

“What?” His voice was deep and grumbly as he rubbed his eyes and tried to process the situation. His eyes finally settled on the clock, and he gasped and dashed out the door, “MEET ME IN THE CAR!!!” He screamed, scrambling for the keys. 

The two of you hit 70 in a 25, managing to get you home by 2:15, saving about 8 minutes on your usual drive time. You kissed him one more time before getting out of the car, trying to savor one last good moment before you met your bitter end. “I love you forever Y/n,” He smiles, stress evident in his tense body. 

“I love you forever too Jungkook.” You sighed, facing the house, having accepted your impending doom. The second the door had closed behind you, the lights came on and the screaming began.

By 2:45 your parents decided they had enough and sent you swiftly to bed, but not before taking your phone and sentencing you to 2 weeks of being grounded. 

You lied in bed, emotionally drained as you stared at the ceiling. But even then, you couldn’t help but smile. You really did love him. 

From: My Mans :)

Saturday, 2:30am

Y/n??

Y/n is everything okay???

Im so sorry 

I really am I didnt mean for time to get away from us like that

Ughhhhhh Y/n please dont be mad

Please dont be mad

Ok uhhhh text me tomorrow ig. I love you

Sunday, 10:11am

Y/n really Im getting worried

Pls tell me this is a prank? AHAHAh im laughing

2:45pm

I showed you my dick pls reply

Y/N 

4:41pm

goddddd

Y/n i really love youuuuu

Knock knock

Whos there?

NOT YOU APPARENTLY SJHDGSJFAHKSAHJ

6:18pm

ok so

I guess youre mad?

Annnnd idk what I did so I cant say sorry

BUT if you tell me what I did wrong I can apologize

sooooo

uGAUKHSFGHJ Y/N

See 216 More Messages?

You grin scrolling through your messages. It was 7:45am on a monday, and you’d just gotten your phone back. You’d spent the weekend without electronics, and with plenty of housework. You still had two weeks of house arrest, but you would get to see your friends at school, and keep your phone, so things were already looking up. Your parents didn’t know you lost your v-card, so they didn’t really have anything against Jungkook except for him keeping you out too late. 

To: My Mans :)

7:48- Come get meeeeee :P

Within 2 minutes of sending that text Jungkook replies, making you laugh.

From: My Mans :)

7:56- Oh my god are you kidding me I text you all day every day all weekend and this is all I get back? No heartfelt message? Am I just a rockin bod and a cool car to you? Damn, you thotties really be cold

7:57- Omw

“What the fuuuuck,” Jungkook whines pulling you in by the hips and kissing you, pressing you against him. 

“Sorry, my parents took my phone.” You grin, ruffling his hair and getting in the car. 

“God I thought I was bad in bed or something, you really did a number on my insecurity this weekend,” He grins, taking the car out of park. 

Walking through school felt different now. You felt dirty and exposed. You felt like everybody knew what you did that weekend. Walking down the halls hand in hand with Jungkook, you usually got some stares, but now it felt like all eyes were on you. Jungkook seemed fine, unbothered even. As he should of course, and as you should too. You just couldn’t shake that unsettled feeling though. 

Eventually that feeling left, and a feeling of pride took its place. You were his girl, the person he decided was worthy enough to be his first. Telling your friends really gassed you up. 

“Y/N YOU WHAT?!” Lisa was screaming. You guys were between classes and you couldn’t really think of a good time to tell them, so you figured now was as good as any. “You got dicked down? Like all the way down?!” Lisa whispered, eyes wide.  “Yeah! Do you guys hate me?” You grin nervously.

“No! Just don’t ditch us for booty calls,” Jisoo grins and nudges you. The three of you laugh while you give them details as you walk to your next class. You’re caught up in the story before somebody runs into you, jolting you from your thoughts. You look back in annoyance to see who the perpetrator was. Mark Tuan just hurries off, ignoring you. “Hey, ignore him. You’re Jeon Jungkook’s squeeze now, we have more important things to think about.” Jisoo laughs, grabbing your arm and tugging you down the hallway.

Mark

Jungkook was still a part of our group I guess. Bam and Taehyung jumped on the chance to talk to him again after things had been tense the last few weeks. Jungkook texted them and asked if we could all hang after lacrosse, so of course that meant I had to wait after school til 5 for them. 

Roaming the empty halls I scroll through instagram, trying to occupy my headspace. I really had been enjoying my guy time recently, but I can’t lie, I do miss my time with Y/n. After school hot chocolate and homework had become a fixture in my life, like she had been. It felt like there was a big empty hole where she used to be, in my house and in my head. 

“Mr. Tuan,” Mr. Atkinson’s voice rips me from  my thoughts. 

“Yes sir?” I turn, pocketing my phone.

“Wanna take a walk?” Atkinson approaches, not really giving me a choice. We both walk in silence for a minute or so, our footsteps echoing down the halls. “Have you been alright recently? You and Y/n don’t talk anymore, and you’ve fallen in with a..lesser crowd.” His voice is light, but I can hear the more serious tone beneath.

“Yeah, people just..grow apart.” I shrug, shoving my hands in my pockets.

“Yeah but you and y/n didn’t. Or at least she didn’t. I know there’s more. Now, I don’t expect you wanting to talk to your washed up teacher about your personal life, but you should talk to her. Or someone.” He’s right. I sigh, nodding. 

“What do I say?” My voice is quiet, ashamed.

“It never hurts to start with sorry.” 

You lay on your bed, scrolling through your phone on a break from homework. Your break had already taken 2 hours, oops. Suddenly a picture of Mark doing a double chin fills up your home screen while your phone buzzes, signaling a call from your old friend. It had been a hot minute since you’d gotten a call from him; it had been a hot minute since you’d gotten any kind of formality from him in general. 

“Hello?” You slowly hit the green button.

“I’m sorry Y/n. Can we talk?”

#bts #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #bts fanfction #bts scenario #bts scene #bts scenarios #bts jungkook #bts jungkook scenarios #bts jungkook fanfic #bts jungkook smut #bts jungkook fluff #bts jeon jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkook fanfic #Jungkook Fanfiction #jungkook scenarios #bts v #bts jin #bts suga #BTS jimin #bts rm #bts jhope #bts hoseok #bts yoongi #bts seokjin #bts namjoon #bts taehyung #kpop #kpop scenarios

[jinyoungs-hipsdontlie]

a letter to you, jonghyun.

Hi everyone,

I’ve been hesitating and reconsidering alot regarding this but i felt the need to do it so here goes.

This is going to be my last farewell letter to Jonghyun. This is where i’m going to spill all my thoughts out on everything that has happened, in order for me to finally let go and heal from this situation. I didn’t intend for it to be this long, but i guess i really need to let it all out.

I want to finally move on from this. I want to get back to my usual self. It’s been terribly exhausting for me lately; emotionally, mentally and even physically. 

And no, this is not the last time i will post about Jonghyun. But this would be the final one filled with sadness and grief. After this, i want to only post bright and happy memories of him, just like how i want to remember him forever.

NOTE: It’s going to be EXTREMELY long (2800+ words i never knew i had to express) and kinda triggering so i put it under keep reading. Please ignore and scroll past this post if you know you might be triggered. I really dont want any of you guys to hurt more than you already have.

[death tw] [suicide tw] [suicidal ideation tw] [depression tw]

. . .

And now i think, it’s time. 

It’s time for me to finally let you go, my beloved puppysaurus. 

Fly high and mingle with the stars and the moon up there. Feel the happiness and peace that you’ve craved and deserve oh so much. Take care.

I will always love you, Jonghyun.

수고했어요. 정말 고생했어요.

May your beautiful soul rest in peace. ——————————–

Sigh.

Where do i even begin.

This is so hard.

…It still hurts. Everything hurts.

Hearing that you took your own life broke me. Death, especially of a loved one, has always been my biggest fear in life. I lost a schoolmate back in September 2012 through suicide. And just last year in November 2016, i lost my aunt to suicide. And 5 days ago, 18th December 2017, i lost you, my first ever idol through the same horrid way.  And that’s part of the reason why i think, that i felt the news of you leaving the world hit so close to home for me personally.

It opened up old wounds for me, and i thought that this time, instead of keeping strong and playing a facade, im going to let myself feel, to grieve and mourn and then recover. When i lost my aunt last year, i wasn’t able to grieve much. Because i had to stay strong for my mother who had just lost her beloved sister. I couldnt just stand and cry, i had to hold my mom’s arm and support her to walk during the funeral and prayers. So this time, i did not lie to myself that i was okay, because i wasnt at all.

The first 3 days. I havent been able to eat, just water and barely a few spoons of rice each day… eating so that i wouldn’t make my family worried about me. I havent been able to sleep well, just a few hours each day, because the image of you appears before me whenever i close my eyes. I couldnt even watch your videos or listen to your voice as it hurt too much. I couldn’t believe you were gone. I feel so lost, so empty, literally on autopilot mode.

But no, i’m not blaming you for taking your own life. I’m not angry at you, i’m not disappointed in you, i really have no negative feelings towards you. Because i know, that what im suffering now… is the tiniest fraction of how much you have. For how long you have been in pain and how much you hurt, i’m so sorry. 

I’m sorry that you had to go through all this. I’m sorry you felt so alone even though you’ve been practically screaming it out to us. I’m sorry that the world was not your fate. I’m sorry for everything.

It pains me so much, to know that you had everything planned out. You, suffering in the dark, still continued being the kindest person through it. You had waited for your member’s birthdays to be over, you waited until your solo concert series was over, you left a meaningful song for us fans… to cope with the loss of a loved one, knowing fully well that we would need it after hearing the news of your death. You left a note for your loved ones, you even messaged your beloved sister before it all. You have always been so kind. 

Reading that letter you left us, it broke me so much. I cant even find words to describe it because i never ever thought you have been in so much despair. I don’t advocate suicide or taking the life of ownself, but as your long time fan, i respect your decision. All i can say is, you did so well Jonghyun. It is indeed commendable that you made it this far, and you really did go through alot.  

I can’t help but feel so sorry even though i know that there’s nothing i could have done. It just hurts to know it was so bad, so bad that you had to end it yourself since it was too much for you to handle. I cant imagine the feelings that went through you that day, when you knew you were going to take your life. Did you eat your favourite meal knowing it’d be your last? Were you crying or just all numb? I tried to tell myself not to think so much about you on that day, but i couldn’t stop myself from thinking. 

Sigh.

The first three days was a nightmare. That monday evening, i cried so much. The initial shock and sorrow was too hard to handle. The news crashed down on me so hard. 

On the 19th, i remember breaking down when i came home after class. I broke down bad, crying so terribly hard.

On the 20th, I attended a vigil that we had for you here in Singapore. It was one of the hardest thing i’ve ever done. 

I tried to be strong, but seeing the other shawols at the florist also buying roses for you, i broke down. We all did. It was so heartbreaking. I had to fight so hard make sure i didn’t cry on the train as i made my way to the venue. 

I think the only way i could describe the vigil; bittersweet. Approx a thousand people came, of all ages, to pay our last respects to you in our own way. The lightsticks, the flowers, the letters, the shawols who relied on each other and grieved together. It was all so beautiful, but it hurt so much. 

I teared up when i was already in the queue. I held the lightstick and letters in one hand, and a red rose in the other. As i got closer, i brought the rose close to my nose. I took a deep breath, five times. Each time after i say a prayer for every member of SHINee. First you, then the rest by age order.

My walls finally broke, after i placed my flower near the picture of you and said a prayer. It was so hard. I couldnt stop the tears. And to the little angels over there who gave out tissues fo all of us who broke down, and giving free hugs to anyone in need, thank you. I cried in my sister’s arms. I’m not one who shows my tears infront of people i love, but this time i couldnt keep the strong facade. I had to let it all out. 

Shortly after, we all gathered close, and sang the chrous of your debut song, Replay. I tried to keep my voice stable, but i couldnt help the falter at the end. Also, like what you wanted and what you deserved to hear, we all told you ‘수고했어요 - You did well’ in unison. I couldn’t help but break down again at that. It was really so difficult to face reality, but that vigil had brought me the slightest bit of acceptance. Im thankful for my chance to attend it.

And then Thursday.

21.12.17, you were finally laid to rest. With all your loved ones by your side, i hope those last moments were not lonely for you. You are so loved Jonghyun, you really are.

I woke up that morning trembling for some reason. I checked my phone, and saw that none of my alarms had rung. Puzzled why i woke up so early, i looked at the time. And realized that it was just 10 minutes before your funeral procession.

I had to be in class in an hour and i knew i couldnt bear to see or hear anything about your funeral so i immediately uninstalled Facebook and Twitter. But when i came home that afternoon, i told myself, that i should just see the pictures/watch the procession. Not to see everyone mourning or what so ever, but for the sake of closure. For acceptance. I think i needed it. 

And so i did. And god, how much i cried. It broke me so much, i shook terribly while sobbing. It was the worst thing i have seen, every single second pained me. That was not the image i had when i said i wanted to see SHINEE has five again. What’s worse, Kibum’s letter to you was uploaded 10 minutes later. And damn, cue the tears again. He’s so strong and he really loves you so much, Jonghyun. 

After crying for longer than i’d like to admit, i drank a glass of water and stared up to the sky. I gave a final prayer to you, for you to rest in peace. 

A few hours later, strangely, i felt calmer. For the first time since your passing, i felt like i could feel you were finally in peace up there. I really hope you are. That evening, i managed to eat my first proper meal in 3 days. I guess i’m finally accepting it.

And yesterday. 

I woke up and even though it hurt, i told myself i have to move on. I still couldnt eat properly and skipped meals but i managed to eat dinner? And even though i was still pretty empty and lost, i agreed to watch a movie with my sister at the cinema. I was reminded of you throughout and i did feel pangs of sadness, but i could still enjoy it slightly. 

And last night, i managed to watch a video of you singing. I’ve seen it on my tumblr dash a few times and so i told myself to watch and listen to your voice again, instead of scrolling past. It was that video of you singing ‘This Woman’s Work’. Oh how much have i missed your voice! I would be lying if i said i didn’t cry, but i pulled through and watched til the end. The way you sang with all your heart, so beautiful, that’s the Jonghyun i have always loved. 

Then after, I listened to your song, ‘End of a day’. I already knew my dams would break with this one so i got my tissues ready. And cried hard did i. But i was able to listen to the end, paying so much attention once again to the tones of your voice and how beautiful it is. 

I don’t know how but somehow after listening to your voice, even though i cried through it, i felt much calmer and stronger. Sigh… look at you, even in heaven you’re still comforting me with your beautiful voice. An angel you really are. And last night after all that, for the first time this entire week, i managed to sleep well. For 10 hours straight. Call it wishful thinking, but im pretty sure it’s because i finally listened to your voice again. That calming voice which i love. 

And today, a Saturday, i woke up to Jinki’s letter. Look at him, the world’s greatest leader. Even in all this chaos, he’s still so strong and reliable. He loves you so much, Jonghyun. And so does all your members. 

I was also able to eat 2 full meals today. I drank more water than i had for each of the past 5 days. I  also watched funny videos of you, Jonghyun. I washed my hair, did my usual skincare routine which i paused since Monday. And now, here i am, about to sleep, with a facial mask to use once i post this.

I think i’m coping better these days.

Jonghyun, i’m doing well right? Please tell me i’m doing well too. Please continue to give me strength and happiness from up above, to help me move on and be myself again, and even in the future. Please be my guiding angel, like what you’ve been for the last 8 years to me. 

You’ve changed the colour of the moon and lamps to our favourite pearlescent aqua, you’ve given us so many signs that you’ve made it to heaven and the skies this past week, thank you for reassuring us fans that you’re doing well up there. Please look after us from above; most importantly, your mother, sister, the members, your friends and loved ones. 

…..

I just want to let you know again, that becoming a fan of SHINee and even more, a fan of you, Jonghyun, is still and will forever be one of the best decisions i have ever made. 

Do you remember that time i first heard SHINee? I saw a group of students performing Ring Ding Dong at a school event and thought it was great so i went to check it out.

Do you remember the time you made me smile and laugh so hard during Hello Baby? I watched the entire thing in 2 days on Youtube, it’ll always be my favourite, i can never forget you and your skinship with baby Yoogeunie.

Do you remember how i was so proud when you released your first solo album? It was amazing!

Do you remember how much happy tears i cried along with you and the boys when SHINee won Best Artist of the Year at Melon Music Awards in 2013? My heart was bursting with pride! 

Do you remember how i went to Seoul in October 2015 and September 2017 and took a picture/selfie next to every standee or advertisement of yours i saw? I didn’t care if i looked weird or funny cos as a fan, that was a golden moment as i never was able to get that close to you.

And of course, do you remember how ecstatic i was when i heard SHINee was coming to Singapore for Music Bank in August and Shilla Duty Free Beauty Concert in November? Who cares how overpriced the tickets were… I was the happiest person when i got them! 

Watching you perform and listening to your beautiful voice live not once but twice, is one of my happiest moments in life, and it will forever be.

…sigh… it sucks when reality hits me and i realize that i won’t be able to see you again, well not in this lifetime at least. But i can assure you, Jjong, that i will never ever forget you.

You may not be in the same form as me, but know that you are everywhere with me. In my heart, in my mind, in my music albums, in my phone’s gallery, in my old study notes that i scribbled your name, in my keychain hung on my bag, in my pearlescent aqua coloured portable charger and sweater, and ofcourse, in my beloved SHINee lightstick. 

I love you and i won’t forget you.

…Before i conclude, i want to say thank you. 

Thank you for being my first ever idol and my first love.

Thank you for making me smile and laugh til i cry.

Thank you for composing and writing such beautiful songs, your music as SHINee and as a solo artist has given me immense strength and happiness and comfort all these years.

Thank you for being an amazing role model, your actions/thoughts/words have inspired me to be a better person.

Thank you for being so strong all these years, and trying your best to fight the negativity.

Thank you for being the best son and the best brother to your mother and sister, your adoration and love for them are the sweetest thing ever.

Thank you for being the kindest, most loving and the most supportive brother to Onew, Key, Minho and Taemin; your love for them and their love for you have shown me what true friendship and family is. 

Thank you for everything, Jonghyun.

And now i think, it’s time. It’s time for me to finally let you go, my beloved puppysaurus. 

Fly high and mingle with the stars and the moon up there. Feel the happiness and peace that you’ve craved and deserve oh so much. Take care.

I will always love you, Jonghyun.

수고했어요. 정말 고생했어요.

May your beautiful soul rest in peace.

#personal #jonghyun #shinee #you did well #rest well my dear #i will always love you jonghyun

[acciofics]

Song Lyric Prompts

Someone request something! °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° 1. "I'll start a riot." 2. "What's my age again? 3. "Her yellow SUV is now the enemy." 4. "We'll have Halloween on Christmas, if you want." 5. "I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed." 6. "I'll keep you my dirty little secret." 7. "I wish I could wake up with amnesia." 8. "Forget about all the stupid little things." 9. "If I woke up with you right beside me, I'd hold you closer than I ever did before and you'd never slip away." 10. "It's about a girl." 11. "They don't need to understand." 12. "We were always running away." 13. "We do it our own way." 14. "I won't walk down the same old road that they all follow." 15. "We don't have to dance." 16. "I'll break it to you easy, this is hell. Literal hell." 17. "These long, long legs have been damn near everywhere." 18. "I go back to December all the time." 19. "I'm so glad you made time to see me. Tell me, how's life? How's your family? I haven't seen them in a while." 20. "Your guard is up and I know why." 21. "The last time you saw me still burns in the back of your memory." 22. "This is me, standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night." 23. "Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you." 24. "These days, I haven't been sleeping. Staying up, replaying myself leaving." 25. "Realized I loved you in the fall." 26. "You gave me all your love and all I have you was goodbye." 27. "I wrote this letter just to numb your pain." 28. "If you can't take me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." 29. "Life is all about making mistakes. Life's also about being great." 30. "I fall, I break, I mess up, I make mistakes." 31. "Monday left me broken." 32. "Am I outta my head? Am I outta my mind?" 33. "What can I say? It's complicated." 34. "You keep me in with those hips." 35. "Okay, yeah. I'm insane." 36. "I'm one of those melodramatic fools." 37. "It's all keeps adding up." 38. "Am I just paranoid?" 39. "I want you and your beautiful soul." 40. "I know that you are someone special." 41. "I hope you see the heart in me." 42. "Tell me pretty lies." 43. "Tell me that you love me, even if it's fake." 44. "You're slurring a your words, not making any sense." 45. "I act like I don't fucking care." 46. "I'm only a fool for you." 47. "I act like I don't fucking care because I'm sorry fucking scared." 48. "Look me in the face." 49. "You've been out all night. I don't know where you've been." 50. "I can't believe you sold me out for a kid like that." 51. "I hope you burn." 52. "You're making me sick." 53. "I've got more secrets than you'll ever know." 54. "Too many times I've told myself to hold on." 55. "Another year and you won't let it go." 56. "You'll never really know what this means to me." 57. "Told myself I wanna face this fear." 58. "Everybody says she looks just like her mother but I think she wants that left alone." 59. "There's too many ways to say goodbye." 60. "It's quite the opposite this time." 61. "Sometimes I can't help but say 'I'm falling in love' and it's scaring me." 62. "It came to me in a dream!" 63. "I'm not a hero or a saint." 64. "Don't push me away." 65. "When you believed in me, you brought us together." 66. "Everybody says it won't last forever." 67. "Yeah, you sure broke my heart last week." 68. "Don't say I don't know you." 69. "I know you're feeling sad." 70. "I don't feel bad." 71. "You got a lot of nerve to say this is all my fault." 72. "You better know what you got before you go and throw it away." 73. "I won't go until you come outside." 74. "You're the one I want." 75. "If only you could see all the beautiful things I see in you." 76. "You're the only one that's got my heart and that's the I ly thing that matters." 77. "Just keep that smile you're flashing." 78. "You're the only enemy you ever seen to lose to." 79. "My belief is in pieces." 80. "My sheets have grown cold." 81. "I wish you could feel this but you'll never know." 82. "You're perfectly perfect." 83. "We're two different people." 84. "I should've warned you." 85. "I wrote a letter on Monday." 86. "It's full of these bitter words." 87. "We aren't the same." 88. "I could tell you weren't in love with me." 89. "I don't even know you but I know for sure you are beautiful." 90. "I'm overly attracted." 91. "She could be my princess and I could be her prince." 92. "Loving can hurt sometimes." 93. "You know it can get hard sometimes." 94. "You won't ever be alone." 95. "All I can say is, the stress hurts." 96. "Too much going on at the same time." 97. "Yeah, I'm fucked up." 98. "I'm empty inside." 99. "I just don't feel alive." 100. "I wish it wasn't so tempting." 101. "I wonder if I'm good enough." 102. "Keep the change and have a nice day." 103. "I can still hear the sound of you saying 'dont go'." 104. "I hope you know, this has nothing to do with you." 105. "I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket." 106. "It's time to be a big girl now." 107. "I'm not what you wanted." 108. "I don't know why I cared so much." 109. "I hope you find what you're looking for." 110. "Who'd you think you'd fool, baby?" 112. "All the tables are turning." 113. "I still think about you." 114. "Baby, you look good." 115. "She's a heart stopper." 116. "I just wanna kiss your lips." 117. "Me? I trusted him." 118. "This kid is insane man!" 119. "What's your name?" 120. "Just you wait." 121. "This one's mine." 122. "You walked in and my heart went boom" 123. "Why are you crying?" 124. "Sometimes I wish she was you." 125. "Opportunity Knicks and you take it." 126. "It's been about a year now." 127. "Damn, those sweet memories." 128. "I found a letter you wrote me." 129. "I don't wanna see you with her." 130. "Word gets around." 131. "I'm happy for you, love." 132. "Why do I love you?" 133. "I miss you when I can't sleep." 134. "Do you miss me?" 135. "I'm always tired but never of you." 136. "You said you wouldn't and you fucking did." 137. "I'd do anything." 138. "In the end, does it even matter?" 139. "Look at where we are. Look at where we started." 140. "We danced the night away." 141. "You smiled over your shoulder and for a second, I was stone cold sober." 142. "I knew I loved you then." 143. "I knew I needed you." 144. "I want to stay with you til we're grey and old." 145. "I'll bring you coffee in bed." 146. "I'll thank my lucky stars for that night." 147. "You look as beautiful as ever." 148. "Your mind is rather reckless." 149. "What a beautiful mess this is." 150. "Well it kind of hurts." 151. "You don't know my name." 152. "I'm telling you to your face." 153. "I'm sick of wasting all my time." 154. "You're giving me a million reasons to let you go." 155. "I'm about to break." 156. "Show me the way." 157. "I just need one good reason to stay." 158. "You're the baddest little thing I've ever seen." 159. "Since you left, I've been holding onto a memory." 160. "You're not mine anymore." 161. "Let me go!" 162. "I'd die for you." 163. "I still remember what you wore the first night." 164. "You don't look the same." 165. "What's it like to leave me behind." 166. "I'm fighting back." 167. "Nice to see you too." 168. "Always ends too soon." 169. "I won't be like you." 170. "I'm just so scared." 171. "Come as you are." 172. "Meet me inside." 173. "These times are hard. They're making us crazy." 174. "Don't give up on me, baby." 175. "Darling, don't be so shy." 176. "I'll see you at midnight." 177. "In the morning, I'll wait to see you again." 178. "When you go, don't ever think I'll make you try to stay." 179. "Take your gloves and get out." 180. "So tired of all the needless beating." 181. "Well, if you wanted honesty, that's all you have to say." 182. "Remember the time you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?" 183. "You wear my out." 184. "They don't care, as long as some bleeds." 185. "I heard you down the hall." 186. "But you never said anything!" 187. "Never thought I would feel like this." 188. "Such a mess when I'm in your presence." 189. "I probably shouldn't brag." 190. "I'm in trouble." 191. "I'm addicted to this girl." 192. "She's all I want and more." 193. "Is she out of my league?" 194. "I'm left with no choice." 195. "I swear, she's going mad." 196. "It didn't slow me down." 197. "Always second guessing." 198. "You stole my heart." 199. "You been talking in your sleep." 200. "Just a little bits enough." 201. "It's in the stars." 202. "We're not broken." 203. "I'm sorry. I don't understand." 204. "Your head is running wild, again." 205. "I never stopped." 206. "Our lives enough." 207. "Nothing's as bad as it seems." 208. "I can't think of the right things to say." 209. "I never would've thought I'd be here with you." 210. "I can look into your eyes all day." 211. "Stay away from my friends." 212. "You're my favorite." 213. "You create symphonies with your hips." 214. "I don't care if you're contagious." 215. "I've got a love and I know that's it's all mine." 216. "I can't believe you've got the nerve to say you love me." 217. "I hope you're happy." 218. "Now you're nothing but a memory." 219. "You used to make me feel like I could walk on water." 220. "You're the reason." 221. "I bet I don't run through your mind." 222. "It still hurts." 223. "It's been a lonely year." 224. "Can we please start over?" 225. "I was praying that you and me might end up together." 226. "You are my heaven." 227. "If you don't love me, pretend." 228. "It's too late to cry." 229. "It's like wishing for rain when I'm standing in the desert." 230. "My only friend was the man in the moon." 231. "He came to me with the sweetest smile." 232. "Darling, I'm a mess without your love" 233. "All I need is one more goodbye kiss." 234. "You cant blame a girl for trying." 235. "I should've shut my mouth." 236. "I remember tears steaming down your face." 237. "I remember you said 'dont leave me here alone'." 238. "Don't you dare look out your window." 239. "Even when the music's gone." 240. "No one can hurt you now." 241. "Is this what it's like to match wits with someone that's you level with?" 242. "May you always be satisfied." 243. "The conversation lasted two minutes, maybe three." 244. "I remember that night." 245. "When you said 'hi' I forgot my dang name." 246. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean." 247. "There's a million things I haven't done." 248. "Her eyes are just helpless." 249. "Where are you taking me." 250. "That doesn't mean I want him any less." 251. "I got her number!" 252. "You've got no choice." 253. "I know that you think I'm so insane." 254. "I just love the way you say my name." 256. "Over and over, your words keep me going." 257. "I just get so insecure." 258. "Honestly, I've never been so sure." 259. "I can love you all at once." 260. "Cross my heart and swear that it's true." 261. "Boy, you know you're always on my mind." 262. "All my friends, they hear about you all the time." 263. "I know I talk a bit too loud." 264. "Make up your fucking mind." 265. "Never forget it." 266. "Now you're gonna say 'pretty please forgive me'?" 267. "Turns out no one can replace me." 268. "I'll leave you with a memory." 269. "You'll regret it." 270. "Y'know, it gets worse." 271. "One more kiss." 272. "I love it when you just don't care." 273. "I love it when you dance like there's nobody there." 274. "I love it when you don't take no." 275. "I love it when you do what you want just because you said so." 276. "Hearts are gonna break." 277. "We don't have to be ordinary." 278. "Please have mercy on me." 279. "I fall when I'm around you." 280. "I can't take it anymore." 281. "Take it easy on my heart." 282. "Tell me that I'm not crazy." 283. "Your words cut deeper than a knife." 284. "You lured me in." 285. "I won't lie to you." 286. "I know I can treat you better." 287. "You should be with me." 288. "I'd stop time for you." 289. "They say we're too young." 290. "If you don't swim, you'll drown." 291. "I got your name tattooed in an arrow heart!" 292. "If I showed up with a plane ticket and a shiny diamond ring with your name on it, would you wanna run away too?" 293. "I hope you feel the same way." 294. "I'm a realist and an optimist." 295. "Hello, sunshine." 296. "You look so graceful." 297. "Well, I've got a lot to talk about if you still want to listen or if you even care." 298. "Can we locate where we went wrong?" 299. "If loves a fight, then I shall die with my heart on the trigger." 300. "Baby, you are all that I adore." 301. "Don't you know you're everything I have?" 302. "They still say I'm a dreamer." 303. "You better know what you're fighting for." 304. "I was doing just fine before I met you." 305. "Tell your friends it was nice to meet them." 306. "Baby, pull me closer." 307. "Pull the sheets right off the corner." 308. "You look as good as the day I met you." 309. "I forget just why I left you." 310. "Four years, no call." 312. "Play that Blink-182 song!" 313. "It's gonna look like mud!" 314. "I'm gonna help you swim." 315. "It's no big surprise you turned out this way." 316. "Hey man, I love you but no fucking way." 317. "Just try your best." 318. "It just takes some time." 319. "Everything will be just fine." 320. "Just be yourself." 321. "We haven't talked since we left, it's so overdue." 322. "My heart's beating fast right now." 323. "Thought that we were stronger." 324. "I hate this part right here." 325. "Gotta talk to you before we go to sleep." 326. "I wanna be in the room where it happens." 327. "Like I said, you're free to go." 328. "Look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now." 329. "I'm a trust fund, baby, you can trust me." 330. "Some say I'm intense or I'm insane." 331. "Let's have another round tonight!" 332. "I don't know just where I fit in." 333. "Let's get back to the basics." 334. "I was falling in love." 335. "You don't come around here anymore." 336. "When I put on my jeans jacket, I still think about you." 337. "We were on top of the world." 338. "I'm not missing you anymore." 339. "You can keep that sweater." 340. "Finally feels like I'm livin' more than ever." 341. "You know I'm only getting better, right?" 342. "No bad blood between us?" 343. "I want you back." 344. "One glance is all it took." 345. "Baby, give me one more chance." 346. "Won't you please let me back in your heart." 347. "Oh darling, I was blind." 348. "Trying to live without you, love, is one more sleepless night." 349. "Please allow me to be your anti-depressant." 350. "Tonight, we'll both go M.I.A." 351. "Waking up to kiss you." 352. "If the whole world was watching, I'd still dance with you." 353. "The only truth, everything comes back to you." 354. "It's so hard." 355. "I'm just gonna say, you'll never see me in the kitchen." 356. "I just have trust issues." 357. "No, you can not change me." 358. "Baby, I'm working." 359. "Brace yourself. It's not good." 360. "I don't know what to do." 361. "I cried when I got that phone call." 362. "This has got to be the hardest thing I think I'll ever have to do." 363. "I'm not ready for a kid!" 364. "She's mine." 364. "We keep loving anyway." 365. "I'm willing to wait for it." 366. "You found me!" 367. "My love is a breath taker." 368. "Hope you remember me." 369. "Look at the stars!" 370. "Take those skin and bones and turn it into something beautiful."

#Harry Potter imagines #Harry Potter fluff #Harry Potter #criminal minds fluff #criminal minds imagines #ron Weasley imagine #ron Weasley fluff #Hermione Granger #Hermione Granger fluff #Hermione Granger imagine #prompts #song lyrics #George Weasley #George Weasley imagine #George Weasley fluff #Fred Weasley #Fred Weasley imagine #Fred Weasley fluff #James Potter #Sirius black #Remus lupin #Spencer Reid #Spencer Reid imagine #Spencer reid fluff

[backtojuno]

yoooo ive been really inactive lately, ive been going through a lot of shit. under the readmore is a bunch of stuff i need to get off my chest/make sense of. just be warned, its really long

you can read it if you want but its mostly complaining and cursing

riiiiight so about 2 months ago shit hit the fucking fan. Ive had problems with my neck thats caused very, very bad headaches for maybe 5/6 years or so. mostly i wasnt able to get anything done about it, being dependent on 2 parents who are both very pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps kind of people.in june though, i started working extra shifts at my job so i could pay for a chiropractor. and it worked, i had no headaches... for about a month. for a month after that the headaches came back, even though i was still seeing the chiropractor. AND FUCKING THEN

i was at work, my last weekend before i went on a 2-week trip to see my mom up in ohio! i was super excited. but also in a lot of pain too. most of the way through my shift i cracked my neck, a little bit too hard. all of a sudden i was floating about a foot over my head, i was getting hot flashes, and the left side of my throat went numb. of course, i panicked, told my manager and called my dad. my dad called his doctor and he said that since my hands/feet/anything werent tingling or anything like that I was alright, but i should still see a doctor. dad decided not to take me to the ER, but I was still goddamn scared. I still am, honestly. of course, this got more complicated. it was a saturday, so doctors offices were closed and wouldnt be open til monday, the day that id leave for ohio. it was a really hard decision but if i didnt get on the plane to ohio, i wouldve had to forfeit the trip entirely. so, i went to ohio and my mom set an appointment for thursday for a doctor.

i waited, we went, and i told my story to the doctor. she didnt do any tests on me, didnt even touch me. just said i had probably hit a nerve and that i was fine, and offered to prescribe medicine which i didnt want. EXCEPT. FOR FUCKS SAKE. the day after i went to the doctor i started feeling this pressure on the side of my throat,right in that fleshy part just underneath the back of your jaw.i thought and hoped it would go away. it fucking didnt. some days were better than others but on some days id be sightseeing with my family and id be silent, standing in a museum looking at The Plane that The Wright Brothers Themselves built, and trying not to panic bc the pressure in my throat was bad and it felt like i couldnt get enough air in. when i told my mom she told me to calm down. that did not help, at all. anyways, the rest of the trip passed and i flew home. EXCEPT. JESUS CHRIST. while i was on the plane, i was having a hard time popping my ear. I didnt have any gum (and i hate gum anyways bc of misophonia) so i ended up spending the entire plane ride moving my jaw to try and pressurize my ear. that, of course, ended up with me doing something to the right side of my jaw that makes it crackle and sometimes pop when i move it. it also hurts sometimes, which is weird bc the only jaw pain ive ever had was when i had all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out at once. with the pressure in my throat though, it was kind of an afterthought at the time

anyways. since doctor #1 really hadnt done anything and i didnt have a primary doctor, i decided to go to the primary doctor my mom and sister went to when they still lived down here with me. its probably a good time to mention that that side of the family is the one im close to and im stuck here in florida for another year while i finish college. anyways. getting to him was a long wait but i got there and told him my story and he ordered some x rays of my neck and bloodwork, and prescribed me medicine. i waited for the tests and waited more for the follow up. looked at everything and told me everything was peachy keen, perfect except for a little bit of degeneration in my spinal vertebrae. it looked like things were kinda (really) out of his area of expertise, so he prescribed me a different medicine and a few sessions of physical therapy and recommended a nose & throat specialist to go to if the throat pressure didnt go away. i am goddamn lucky my dad offered to pay for my medical expenses. Doctor #3 was more or less useless.

on to doctor #3! he’s a neck specialist. i managed to get an appointment pretty quickly with him so i waited to see him. i didnt see him on the day of the appointment, but rather his assistant. she listened to my story (except that i forgot to tell her about the throat pressure thing. i s2g i go featherbrained around doctors) and then tested my arm and leg strength/mobility/general usefulness/whatever. then she ordered an mri of my neck. i waited for the mri, then waited again for the follow up. She, of course, said there was nothing wrong and when i remembered to tell her about the throat thing (which had still not gone away, 2 months later) she just looked kinda confused. she, like doctor #2, prescribed me a different medicine and a month of physical therapy. i think somewhere along the timeline of seeing doctor #3 my jaw started acting up again? i dont remember the exact timing of that but it hurt, and it sucked. my throat also started getting pretty uncomfortable when i talked, like i had to work harder to speak at a normal level. that also sucks when you work in a customer service job

so i managed to rule out that the throat thing wasnt bc of my neck and that my vertebrae werent gonna spontaneously combust or anything, i booked an apointment with the nose & throat specialist, which was on tuesday. by this time i was a damn mess. i still felt at times that i was having a hard time breathing and i really couldnt even think about it without going on the verge of a panic attack. 2 months and NO answers other than “huh, that’s weird” (the physical therapist literally told me that to my face). i had started to do research on my own for lack of anything better. that led me to eagle syndrome! which described exactly what i was feeling! (http://www.livingwitheagle.org/t/es-information-common-symptoms-and-possible-explanations-for-them/1389) and from what i read, there’s no cure! just analgesics and surgery, really. that really, really did not help- if you cant do anything then whats the point, right?

EX-FUCKING-CEPT. right around the time that i figured that out, i started having pain in my chest. i didnt know why it was happening (i later figured out that its bc when i sleep on my side i put too much pressure on my chest and it hurts me where my ribs and my sternum meet. it just decided to act up then). still though, i didnt know that at the time and let me tell you, when your chest starts hurting after youve been having whats more or less a 2-month-long constant panic attack, its goddamn TERRIFYING. i had lost my appetite a couple days before and had not been eating much, so i was weak and my heart was beating weirdly. i asked my dad what to do. he told me to call my primary, and they told me to go to the ER. i asked my dad to take me to the ER. his answer? “no, we’re going to an urgent care clinic”. the urgent care clinic, of course, couldnt do anything, while i sat there crying. (the doctor there, doctor #4, literally told me to just wait to see the nose & throat guy and that “i should try to be more composed when i see him”) meanwhile, when trying to talk about what ive been feeling to my parents, aka several mentions that i feel like im choking, i was just told to calm down. as if everything wasnt crumbling and going wrong.

so i waited until the appointment on tuesday. actually, no i didnt, i went into depression mode(TM), getting nothing done, and ended up in the doctors office an hour and a half before the appointment on the verge of tears. since it was uncomfortable to talk and something just outside of my throat had started hurting a week before, i had typed up my story (named “The Big Clusterfuck” on my computer). doctor #5 did some tests and mentioned eagle syndrome, even though i had only described it in the paper and not named it, and TMJ. he gave me prednisone for a week and told me to come back in a week. i feel bad for the man, i cried a lot.

ive managed to get my appetite back and have started eating again, and spent all of yesterday evacuating florida. i really, really hope the prednisone works. i dont know what im gonna do if it doesnt. if youre religious or do witchy stuff or whatever floats your boat, please send along a prayer or a spell or something. im not as bad as i was last week but im still Not Okay

#random crap #like if you read pls #the great clusterfuck 2k17

[bluexeyedx]

Whatever

I dont know why I feel the urge to write out my troubles to the universe. I am just so frustrated with life rn. So pregnancy update. Went to get my blood tested for levels again the monday following the first emergency room visit. They fucked up the blood order and only tested it for pregnancy instead of hcg levels. So I argued with a nurse via upmc app, and she basically said, sorry dont know why they did that but you have to get another sample done. Didnt have the time to do that until the end of that week. So on friday I get a call from a nurse asking me why I havent gotten another blood same done.. I told her what happened and my current situation and she urged me to go to the emergency room at magees. But I was at work and no one could come in for me so that had to wait until 10pm. Rushed to the er after work, got more blood work and another ultrasound. Nothing in my tubes or uterus, but my levels were at 84,000. A huge increase from 17492 from the week prior. Got scheduled to have a d&c, finally got called today with the results. They're believe it was a molar pregnancy. Now I have to get my blood taken every week until my levels go back to zero and I have to go on birth control. I've never been on bc before and I'm not a fucking fan of the idea either. This whole thing has been nothing but annoying and traumatic. And what's worse is I've been feeling okay about it, just wanting answers so I can move on. Until now, where its five am and I cant sleep, thinking about the whole thing and i start to cry. Why the fuck am i crying? Now my freaking head hurts. Out of all the bs I've been through, this is the worst. This has been the second experience that really killed a part of me that I can never get back. I havent been to work all week and I dont go back til sunday, I lost 16 hrs over that procedure. And everyone at work has been talking about my fucking situation. Forreal they flipped it all out of proportion like some goddamn game of telephone. Thanks to an unprofessional supervisor thinking it was okay to tell the world. I am going to lose my shit when I get back, and I know I'm gunna end up putting in my two week notice. I'm done with this earth, I really am. I'm done being strong. I'm done having these stupid emotions pop up out of no where. I dont want to talk to anyone about anything again. Not even my boss or future bosses. I wish I wasn't such a coward. I wish i could just end it all, i really do. I have nothing left in me. I dont think I could handle one more bad thing. I also think I'm going to delete tumblr here soon, once and for all. Yeah. Theres no point remembering this, or anything else I've been through. Yeah. I quit.

[mylovingbouquetearthquakewo-blog]

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"car+insurance+quotes-+google+search

car+insurance+quotes-+google+search

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://averageinsurancecost.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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car+insurance+quotes-+google+search

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car+insurance+quotes-+google+search

car+insurance+quotes-+google+search

Why is it cheaper to obtain car insurance for self + spouse that for just self?

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hey as the title says what cars are cheap to insure and tax and so on please say the make as i dont have a clue about what makes of cars and stuff, prefer a 4 door as got a kid so it will be easier getting in and out with the car seat, thanks""

Total loss and State farm auto insurance?

I had a collision a few weeks before and it is classified as collision damage. I received an estimate at a body shop who initially provided an estimate of $xxxxx/- and said that the insurance company has agreed to pay them and a delivery date was given. Now, things have changed in the middle and the body shop manager tells me a new stories of additional things that went wrong due to collision (all of a sudden) and that the insurance agent after inspection wants to call it a total loss based on this new estimate. My insurance company- State farm wants it to call a total loss which I doubt given the extent of repair it might take for the minor damage in the front fender alone. Now, here are my questions. I now have suspicion on the integrity of the body shop as well the trick palyed in declaring total loss. 1. Can I have a second opinion at a different body shop? Does State farm allow that? 2. If the repair cost is more than the ACV, and if I still wish to keep the car, can I negotiate for the max amount less deductible that State farm is willing to pay the body shop (xx% of the max amount that state farm is willing to pay before declaring total loss) and I take care of the remaining cost? Your input is appreciated. Thanks, NS""

How much should my car insurance cost?

In a few months ill be getting my license and a car. I live in Massachusetts. I'm not exactly sure what I am getting for a car, but I may end up getting a Honda accord that is around 12 years old and has a lot of mileage (200k+). Pretty much, I'm starting to look into the cheapest possible car insurance because: i don't have much money to spend and even if I did have a low deductible, it would be very close to the full value of the car which in that case I would just get junk it. What should I look for to make my cost as low as possible and how cheap could I potentially get it for? Thanks.""

What is the cheapest insurance around for a 20 year old with 2001 bonneville?

What is the cheapest insurance around for a 20 year old with 2001 bonneville?

Tips on how to get first time drivers car insurance down?

Hey, so I have my driving test on June 3rd but i am looking to buy a car before then in these next few weeks. Ive been getting some quotes on some possible cars but the cheapest quote i am getting is 4,500, which is absolutly ridiculous! I thought 2,000 was pushing it and i dont intend to pay more than 2,000 a year. The cars ive been looking at are Peugot 206s, Vauxhall Corsa SXI, and Renault Clio's. Which i believe are in the cheapest insurance band. I just dont understand why im getting quotes of 4000/5000. Most of my firends with similar cars pay 1,500 a year which seems right. I must be doing something wrong. Can anyone give me tips on how to get the price down. Should i add my mum as an additional driver? Do modified cars (alloys and tinted windows) dramatically increase the insurance price? Any reccomended insurance companies? Thanks guys!""

Question about ticket and insurance rate?

I got a ticket bout a couple months ago and my cost of insurance (minimum coverage) hasnt changed. Am I supposed to notify my insurance company about my ticket or do they automatically find out on their own and then charge me extra?

How much would my car insurance be?

I'm 21 years old male and I live in NJ. I'm thinking about buying a used car and financing it. I was looking at GEICO website and the quote came out to about $1600/year for 2000 honda S2000. I was wondering if that amount is right. I selected collision and comprehensive coverage along with all the other coverage options. I thought full coverage would be much more expensive like $3000 but that is so low. So I was wondering if that amount is right. (I live in NJ with my uncle and my parents live in massachusetts)

Auto Insurance company is refusing to cover my rental car. What can I do to fight this?

Exactly a week ago I was involved in an accident at the fault of another driver. The other driver's insurance company (USAA) has been sitting on the case not doing a damn thing. I had to call them yesterday just to get them to read my accident report, and accept liability. They hadn't even contacted the policy holder! They told me that they would set me up with a rental car, and cover the fees. Today I went to Enterprise to pick up the rental car and was asked if the insurance company (USAA) had mentioned anything about a underage bracket fee. When I told them that they hadn't, the woman at enterprise contacted USAA. It was then that they stated that they would not pay for the underage fee (I am 19), which is about $22 per day. Naturally, I was completely outraged. Both my insurance company and USAA's offices are closed at this time, so I have to wait until tomorrow to contact them. I was told by my agent that because the accident wasn't my fault, ANY cost that is a result of the accident MUST be covered by the other driver's insurance company. What can I do about this? I don't have the money to pay for the fee, but I need the transportation. I've already been without transportation for a week.""

""Approximately, how much is a car insurance for a newly passed drive with Peugeut 206?""

hi everyone i kind of have a slight problem... ive recently passed my driving test and bought peugeut 206 (2002 make) 1.1, but when i do a search on comparison websites the insurance is no less then 2400 pounds! im really confused as i thought it would be much less... is this right? :S""

Cheap car insurance for young drivers?

I'm turning 17 in a few weeks and plan to start taking driving lessons. My parents are looking into cars for me, they are only prepared to pay 1000 for my first car, but it's the insurance that is so expensive. There are a few cars that I have seen that I like, but any quote I try and get for them is at least 2,500! Are there any companies that do cheaper car insurance for young drivers or any ways that I could make the insurance cheaper? Also, i've heard that getting the insurance in one of my parents names then only being a named driver on the policy is cheaper, but when I have looked it doesn't seem to make much difference? Thank you!""

Which insurance is cheaper for a motorcycle or a car?

Ok parents are starting to make me pay insurance now. I have an 1995 Accura Integra but I would like to have decelntly fast bike. Anything over 250 cc

Question with car insurance?

Okay so we have two cars. One 1992 buick and a 2006 civic coupe. I usually drive the coup and my name was on the insurance for it, but recently my parents swapped insurance to save money but it involved switching my name to the buick and their name onto the civic. They tell me i can't drive the civic anymore b/c if i get into an accident then it won't be covered since it's under their name and not mine. Is this really true? I thought that as long as the car is insured it's covered?""

""I got a DUI, will my auto insurance drop me?""

I have AAA, and got a DUI ast year, my insurance hasent gone up yet, but I know it will. Do you think AAA will drop me, since they are such a huge company, and will I have to go get some cheap ol' coverage now? I pay around $125 at the beginning of my policy for the year, then it goes down a little each month, my last payment is around $30, then it starts over again. Ive been w/ them for a few years, w/ a perfect record, until now. The DUI wasnt for alcohol or illegal drugs, it was for prescription medication. I tried a new med, but made the choice to drive also, and this is what I got. Any help?""

Auto insurance quote with unreported accidents? What will happen?

A friend has 3 accidents in her driving record. She got an auto insurance quote without mentioning any accidents. The company sold her the insurance without any further verifications. Is that a big problem? In case of an incident in the future will the company check her records and create any problems like not approving claims or so? Should she just ask for a refund to prevent further problems. What is the worst that can possibly happen? We are kind of newbies here. Please advise...

How much would my car insurance go down average?

hi everyone, i am 18 and still on my 1st year car insurance paying 177 a month/2200 a year. 1 litre vauxhall corsa. just wanted an estimate on how much it would go down after the 1st year with no claims from expierienced drivers. thanks :).""

I am single. Do I need life insurance?

I am a 40 year old guy in good health. I have health insurance. Do I need life insurance or some other kind of insurance?

What would be the average income of a part time insurance agent?

I was recently offered a job for when I get out of high school as an insurance agent. The lady said it would be a good job for me to have during college. I have other job offers and am considering this one. I know that in a sales field like this one there are many possibilities on how high or low your income could be, but I was just wondering if anyone had a rough estimate of what I could expect to make as an insurance agent while going to college.""

Is it illegal to not have car insurance?

and if it's not illegal, what am i getting confused with?! i always thought it was illegal....? my friend is getting his car and he said it's a crappy car so there isn't any need to insure it. ???""

Which comes first? The car or insurance?

You can't drive without insurance, but your insurance rate depends in part on what kind of car you drive. So which do you get first?""

Car insurance question?

say i get insured first time and i need to get my car to a road safety test and it fails badly and would cost to much to repair (more than the car is worth) can i cancel the insurance say 2 weeks after getting it? if yes, does there usually be a cancellation fee?""

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Car insurance advice needed?

My nephew passed his driving test yesterday and has a P reg Volkswagon Polo for his first car. I've seen adverts on the tele for Direct Line car insurance and they aren't on comparison websites, does anybody know if they are averagely cheaper or not? Are there any other companies that don't appear on comparison websites? Thanks.""

Why is my car insurance so expensive?

I am trying to figure out why my car insurance costs so much, and I am having problems getting a straight answer from any insurance company. In the last 5 years I have 0 speeding tickets, no dui's, and 1 not at fault accident. I am a 26 year old male with full coverage on an 07 Cobalt ls, so not even a sports car. The absolute cheapest insurance I could find is just shy of 350$ a month. Most companies wouldn't even cover me, and none of them would tell me why. So if anyone has any ideas of what could be causing this I would really appreciate it.""

Health Insurance in NC?

Recommendations for Health Insurance in NC for adult and Child. Any good experiences with service and cost?

Car Insurance Question?

I recently had an accident that caused my car to be written off. There have been no problems and I'm now waiting for a cheque from my insurers. My question is this. When the cheque comes and I buy a new car what happens with regard to insurance, will I have to take out a new policy, can I keep the existing policy and add my new car to it, will my monthly payments go up, or none of the above? I'm sure this is very simple for an expert but it confuses the hell out of me.""

""If you crash a car whilst test driving it, is it covered by insurance?""

If you're buying a second hand car from a private owner and you already have comprehensive insurance from another car, or if the owner has comprehensive insurance but isn't driving, would either policy cover this? And what if the driver doesn't have any insurance at all because if they buy it this will be their first car?""

My mother needs a LOT of dental work! Whats the best insurance to inquire about?

She needs teeth pulled (many of them will need to be surgically removed) and dentures...what would be a good insurance that would cover a good portion of the cost? We live in Florida...

Does California vehicle insurance cover broken windshields?

A turkey vulture smashed my windshield yesterday. I have full coverage insurance and they told me I would have to pay my $500 deductible. In other states I've had windshields covered for free. *ONLY the windshield was damaged*. No other parts

How to get a comparative car insurance quote.?

Had an accident November 2010. I fill in car insurance quotes but they want to know how much the accident cost! My current insurance company only told me it was my fault and slashed my no claims bonus from 65 to 40% and quoted me with a 200% increase on last year. Internet quote sites want information I don't know.

I crashed my vehicle and the auto insurance company will buy it from me. Next car = New Insurance company?

I crashed my vehicle and the auto insurance appraiser said AllState will purchase the vehicle from me because the cost to fix it will be more than what the car is worth. When I buy my next car, should I go with a different auto insurance company because my premium would go up if I stayed with AllState for the new vehicle?""

16 yr old Insurance question.?

Any guesses on what car insurance would cost every 6 months/ by the year for a 16 year old kid who has already been in a crash, not with another vehicle, what would the insurance cost on a 1994 camaro v6.""

What is the cheapest car insurance for a young new driver?

What is the cheapest car insurance for a young new driver?

Why does car insurance cost more for males than females?

I'm guessing because we tend to drive more dangerously, but how is that legal being sexist like that?""

Do you believe in any type insurance ? why ?

what is advantage and disadvantage of insurance ?

""Cars been stolen, will insurance pay up?""

My sisters car has been stolen roughly 30 mins ago. Shes customized it a bit (tinted windows to a legal degree, subwoofer in the boot) will the insurance pay up if it cannot be found. And what are the chances of it being found""

Is it a requirement to let home insurance company before installing Trampoline in the backyard?

my neighbor told me that it is very necessary to tell your home insurance company before installing trampoline in the backyard and after that they will raise your insurance rate. I wanna know if this is true or not??

Which type of Insurance help more in tax deduction?

I am earning more than 3 lacs per annual, now i have to pay tax but i have heard from my colleagues if i do invest in some insurance policy tax deduction will be less.So in which type of insurance should i invest?.""

""What is the absolute best, maximum protection motorcycle insurance for me? 20/F 1st time rider.?""

I am willing to pay more, I just dont want to get cheap insurance that doesn't cover me. No subrogation clauses, I want to be covered as much as I possibly can. I am in TX. Is Allstate good? My car is under Allstate. I have heard Dairyland Insurance is good...anyone have experience with it? I dont have any tickets or violations on my record.""

Whats a good/affordable motorcyle insurance company?

I want to buy a Yamaha R6 but the premiums for a bike are ridiculous.. cheapest ive found was through progressive for 900$/month... thats more than my leased car payment and car insurance a month... anyone? thanks.

Can I have a car in my name under my parents insurance?

I am in need of a new car, but I would like the car to be in my name since I'm the one paying for it. Right now the car I'm driving is under my mom's name and insurance. Is it possible to have a car in my name and still have it be on HER insurance (and I cant just pay her) since it's obviously much cheaper (like a 300 dollar/month diference)""

Insurance Fraud?

I'm a 17 year old male living in Canada, and I just bought a car. Would it be insurance fraud to insure that car in my moms name, with her as the main driver and me as a casual driver, while she insures her own car with a seperate insurance company, not telling either company she technically owns 2 vehicles? Becuase she just wouldn't drive my car, and my car would be under her name but I would be listed as a casual driver and have much lower rates. If she insured her own car with another company and told them she only owns one car, I could have much lower insurance rates because I would be listed as a casual driver when really I'm the main driver. Is that insurance fraud? Is it legal? I've heard of people doing that...""

When should i buy car insurance?

I am going to buy a car on Tuesday. Is there a grace period during which i can drive the car without insurance until i get it, like 5 business days or something like that, or do i need insurance before i buy the car?? This is my first vehicle so i dont have an existing policy i can add this too.""

Does high mileage cars have lower or higger car insurance?

Does high mileage cars have lower or higger car insurance?

""Can you give me an estimate of what it will cost to repair this dent in my car, picture included?""

A large tree limb fell on my car last night. I would like to have an idea of what it might cost to fix this before calling the insurance company. If it cost less to pay out of pocket that is the route I would like to take. Here is a link to the pic of the damage, which is on the passenger side of a 2001 Hyundai Accent. http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a163/janezanaddict/IMG_3079.jpg Thanks for your help!""

How Much Would A 17 Year Old With A G2 Pay For Insurance For A 1995 Geo Metro Hatchback in Toronto?

Im planning on getting my first car but the insurance is holding me back. Please Help.What Company do you suggest? Maybe you know someone with the same car and around the same age.

Does anybody know of a good affordable life insurance?

I live in California, im 19, im perfectly healthy(i've never smoked and i've never drank...ever)and im trying to find a life insurance policy to purchase for myself, since at the time i was born my parents couldn't afford one. So, i decided to do the smart thing and decide to get myself life insurance. I would like to know of people's opinions on life insurance, and which ones are best for someone my age.""

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