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millenialfanfictionaddiction · 3 years

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Please Me: Futakuchi's Fun

Kenji Futakuchi x dom fem reader

⚠️THIS FIC IS 18+ MINORS DNI ⚠️

Welcome to week 2 of the Please Me Series! A collaboration with @axoxtxhxh! First up, we have femdom wins featuring Futakuchi and Asahi! Please check out Joey’s fic, Asahi's Awakening! I will link it in the please me master list!

Please Me Masterlist

Warnings: swearing, unwanted touching, dirty talk, public sex, fingering, male and female oral, hand jobs, pet names, switch Kenji, switch leaning dom reader, cum play

Word count: 5,200

"Jas really? Another date?” you sigh as your life long friend tries desperately to convince you this is a good idea.

“Y/N, I promise. This one is right up your-” your loud friend starts to say as you cut her off almost immediately.

“You said that about guys 4 and 5. So what makes you think 6 is going to be so special?” You smirk at her questioningly.

You knew your friend meant well, unfortunately after the 3rd date she had set you up on, you realized her taste in men weren’t anywhere close to yours.

“Y/N I promise, if this one doesn’t work out, I'll stop setting you up on dates. Ok?” Jas speaks as she cautiously awaits your response.

“I remember a similar conversation after the magician, Jas” you say as your eyes narrowed.

“But this one I know personally! My boyfriend works with him and actually went to school with him. He’s been single for a while but I finally convinced him to meet with you!” she said enthusiastically.

“I tried to stop her” Her boyfriend interjected “but you know how she gets about this Y/N.”

“Oh hush now! Kenji is a great guy. A little rough around the edges but super nice” Jas says as she slow turns away from you.

“Oh god” you say as you bury your face in your palms.

“To be fair YN, he has changed since high school. He was captain of the Volleyball team so he kind of transitioned from being the huge dick he use to be” Jas’s boyfriend says as he walks from their apartment kitchen.

“oh nice, a former jock whose still living in high school. Sign me up” you say as you sarcastically throw your hands up in the air.

“YN he still plays volleyball so he’s not a former jock, he still is one. Besides he really doesn’t seem at all like his teammates described him” Jas shurgs “plus I have to you two meeting at a bar and grill so if anything there’s booze.”

“Oh a perk to this date?” you say sarcastically as Jas smacks your arm.

“See? This is exactly why she will get along with Kenji great” Jas yells to her boyfriend who only laughs.

You roll your eyes and think to yourself.

I guess one date wont be so bad.

The night of your date approaches quickly, much to your dismay. You opt to wear a simple, mid thigh length black dress and your black leather jacket. You stare at your heels and opt for flats instead.

“Honestly I don’t know anything about this guy so flats is probably a good option” you say as you slip on your shoes and descend to the street below.

You arrive at the bar/grill and check you’re phone. Jas texted you telling you Kenji was there and waiting for you at the bar. You sighed as you walked in, heading towards the bar.

Suddenly you felt a hand grab up your dress as you turn around to see a man standing uncomfortably close to you.

“excuse me? What do you think your doing?” you shout as the man puts up both hands

A tall figure at the bar witnessed the whole ordeal and begins walking up to you.

Suddenly the tall man stops as he hears a loud SLAP echo through the place.

There you stand toe to toe with the man who groped you as you grab him by the neck, pulling him towards the door.

The tall figure watched in wonder as you disposed of the man outside the restaurant.

“Oh my god ma’am! Are you ok? We saw that man assault you!” the hostess said as she ran up to you concerned.

“Oh gosh I’m fine. Just another low life. But I’m afraid I may have broken the pervs nose when I tossed him out. My apologies” you say as you fix your dress, picking up your bag and proceeding to the bar.

The tall figure followed your form as you sat down, almost forgetting the reason you were there.

“Any beer please” you say as the bartender serves you quickly. While you handled the situation well, your adrenalin was kicking in and you needed to calm down.

“You wouldn’t happen to be Y/N would you?” a tall, good looking man said as he approached you.

“I mean if you are the police, then no” you say as you turn to take another drink

“Do I look like a cop?” He says as he smirks

“Nah you’re too good looking. Yeah I’m Y/N” you say as you smirk

“Kenji, I’d say it’s a pleasure but I’m kind of nervous after what you just did to that guy. You handled yourself well” he said as he sat down next to you.

“Well as long as you don’t grope me, we wont have an issue” you nod sideways to him

“Not unless you want me too” he says cockily

“oh right out the gate. You're a brave one aren’t ya?” you say giggling at his forwardness.

“Well at least I can say I tried” he says “how about we grab a table?”

You get up from you spot on the bar to move to a more intimate table in the back of the restaurant. The night continues and honestly, you are enjoying yourself. Sure Kenji was cocky and full of himself but it wasn’t anything you couldn’t handle. Plus the man could take a joke which provided you both with good banter all night. You both finish off your final beer as you stand up.

“well shit I knew coming to a bar/grill wouldn’t be the best idea” you giggle as you stumble a bit. Kenji chuckled as he held on to your arm.

“For as hard as you fight, you sure are a lightweight” he laughs as he grabs your waist “lets get you home.”

He walks you to your apartment as you lean on him for support. It's not like you drank a lot but you imagine that the drama from earlier caused you to consume your drinks a little faster than you were use to.

“welcome to my humble abode” you scream as you throw your hands up as Kenji sets you keys on the counter and removes his shoes.

You sit on the couch as you motion for him to join you. He sits besides you.

“20 questions, lightening round and GO!” you screech.

“ok but you start champ” He says.

“Why are you single?” you starting off strong.

“damn right out of the gate. ok well my ex and I had a mutual break up 6 months ago. I don’t see her or speak to her anymore” he says.

“far enough” you say smiling “hit me.”

“why did you agree to let Jas set you up with me?” He says

“oh GOD! she’s been trying to set me up with someone for months now. you are number 6 but I will say you’ve made it further than any other guys” you say

“far enough" he says

“top or bottom?” you say nonchalantly

“Jesus YN!” Kenji laughs as he fakes an offended look

“What? It can tell you a lot about a person” You say

“Fine. I’m actually more of a dom top” he says shrugging

“Well shit” you laugh

“What? Are you a bottom?” he says questioningly

“ah ah you have to ask me a different question” you smirk

“Fine. What’s your favorite postion”

“Easy, cowgirl” you spit “what kind of dom are you?”

“I feel like we are grazing over the ‘cowgirl’ comment Y/N” Kenji laughs as you lay back putting you feet on his lap as if he was an old friend or a lover.

“what I like to top! gives me more control.” you shrug

“Ah so you like control?” he asks

“Yes and you ignored my question” you say

“mostly a service and pleasure dom. But I also like control” he says

“haha most men say that and let me tell you, it’s a major let down” you laugh

“oh really now?” he questions

“I’ve slept with more ‘doms’ than I care of even mention” you say as you quote the air “most men don’t even know how to please a women let alone know to service one.”

“well you sound pretty knowledgeable on that Y/N” Kenji smirks as he leans back softly stroking your legs

“Kenji, I’ve slept with dozens of men and when I say I can rip orgasms from them with ease, I’m not exaggerating” you say smugly

“oh is that so” Kenji says as he leans closer to you “ok then how about a little bet?”

“bet? The fuck for?” you say confusingly

“ok well you are basically saying you can out Dom me correct?” he says smugly

“you got it chief" you smirk, putting up cutesy annoying finger guns. Kenji laughed at your gesture.

“ok then lets do this. We each plan a date and end the night fucking. Whomever gets the highest rating wins” he says as he tilts his head slightly to the side

“interesting” you say as you sit up “ok so lets say I agree. How do we judge? I mean what if you give me a bad rating just to win.”

“Listen Y/N I’m sure you can tell this but I’m a pretty honest person. If I’m not getting pleasure, you’ll know it” he says

“Ok so we just rate each other on what? The date and the sex?” you say.

“well how about the sex is the most points and the date is just extra” he says as he winks “because outside of sex, I’d really like to see you again”

You smile, kneeling on the couch close to him.

“Fine but we are not starting tonight. No sex until our next date” you say as you narrow your eyes.

“You’re drunk Y/N. I would never” he says putting his hands up.

“Well alright then how about next Friday night you start since this was your suggestion” you say extending your hand.

Kenji grabs your hand pulling you towards him as your lip meet his in a sweet, heated but short kiss. You pull away with a smile.

“Its a bet” Kenji says with a smile.

The following week came fast. You and Kenji texted often during the week. It wasn’t like you were nervous for your date or what was to follow. You were confident in yourself and your skills as a more dominant person. However this was something new for you and sometimes new is scary.

“You ready Doll” Kenji says as you greet him at the front entrance of your apartment complex.

“Ready as Ill ever be” You smile softly as he grabs your hand and interlaces your fingers with him.

“Starting off strong I see” you say as you lift your hands to show him what he already knew.

“Nah, it just felt right” He smiled as you blushed lightly

“Alright so where to?” you question

“It’s a surprise doll. Trying to get the extra points where I can” he says as he smirks as you and you blush at the pet name

You walk down the street and arrive at a small pizzeria. It looked very intimate and hidden in plan sight. Honestly you were surprised you had never noticed it before.

“I’ve never seen this place before” you smile as he holds the door for you to enter.

“That’s why I like it. Its small and out of the way” He smiles as he places his hand on your lower back guiding you to a intimate table in the back corner.

Dinner goes as planned as you enjoy some of the best pizza you have ever had in your entire life. You smile as Kenji pays and you head to your next location.

“An arcade?” you laugh as Kenji just shrugs.

“You seems like a competitive person but a fun competitive not a serious one” He smiles as he pulls you into the arcade.

You play games and laugh for what seems like hours before you decide its time to move on to more “serious” matters.

“That was so much fun Kenji” you say as he pulls you down a secluded alley and begins kissing you feverously.

“Is this where you kill me” You giggle when he moves down your neck trying to find your sweet spot.

“Nah doll this is where I fuck you” he says as he discovers you sweet spot pulling a moan from you. He feels incredible pressed up against your heated core. You can feel his cock harden on your thigh.

“Kenji ah” You moan as his hands travel up your dress, groping your ass “here? Wont people see?”

He breaks away from you neck kissing your collarbone “its worth the risk doll. Plus I cant wait any longer to be inside you.” He kisses you grind your core into his thigh.

You moan as he assaults you collarbone, your hands traveling up his shirt as he pushes you against the brick wall, caging you in making you feel oddly secure and comforted.

“Fuck doll- your skin is so soft, I bet your cunt is soft too. Shall we take a look?” He says as he inserts his knee between your thighs opening them up and snaking his hand down your panties. His hands are rough, surely from his job and all those years of Volleyball. You can feel the excitement radiate off of him as he closes in on your core.

You can feel how wet you are as you both groan as he reaches you clit. His rough fingers providing the perfect stimulation for your needy cunt.

“Shit baby, I’d say you are pretty turned on from public sex huh?” he says as he whispers into your neck as he begins to rub circles into your hardened clit.

“Ahh Kenji- please I need you” you moan as he starts to pry to fingers into you sopping wet cunt. His hands feel incredible. Even with your body count as high as it is, you’ve never had anyone make you feel so amazing.

“Oh fuck doll, damn you are tight. We need to lose this pussy up, I don’t want to hurt you” He says as he inserts to of his long fingers into your cunt as you brace yourself on the brick wall. You can feel every inch of his long, sturdy fingers probe your wet insides. The feels is unreal. You can feel the knot in your stomach tightening.

Your head falls back as he reaches your sensitive spot. He pumps his fingers into your cunt as he curls them to reach the spot that made your vision darken. You can’t contain yourself any longer, his fingers feel utterly incredible.

“Come on baby, cum for me please. Then I’ll fuck you good ok” He begs as he kisses your neck. God this man knows just what to say.

“Kenji please I’m so close- ah right there Kenji!” you moan as your head falls back and he pumps his fingers faster. You feel the cord in your stomach soap instantly.. You cum with a gush as Kenji smiles, pulling his fingers you and offering them to you. You accept taking them into your mouth as you suck pulling a deep groan from your partner. You could feel the wetness from your release seeping down your plush thighs as you slowly descended from your high.

“You’re turn” you smile as you reach for his belt. You couldn’t wait to get your hands on Kenji's hardened cock.

He grabs your hands, stopping you as he pins them above your head with one hand and pulls you in by your waist with another. Your eyes widen with lust as he speaks.

“ah ah doll, I believe its my week to pleasure you” He smiles as he kisses you roughly, tasting the your essence on your lips. His lips feel incredible.

“fuck I’m going to have to eat this pussy properly later” he groans as he quickly undoes his belt and pants, moving his boxers down. You knew he was a bit larger than average sized and definitely thicker. The thought of his cock filling you up made you whimper.

“But for right now, I’m going to pump this pussy full of my cum. you want that doll?” he groans into your neck as he pumps his cocks, picks you up and lines you up for him. You felt the pressure of his tip push hardly against your tight opening.

You had already discussed contraceptives prior to your activities. You were on birth control and both of you had been tested. You wanted to keep the play field level so you decided to forgo the condoms.

“holy-” Kenji groans as he pushes into your wet cunt “God baby this is the tightest pussy I’ve ever been in.” You moan as you wince from both pleasure and pain.

You’re jaw slacks you feel him enter you. You have never felt so full. His cock hit every single area of your cunt so perfectly .

“Fuck baby can you relax a little” he says as he tries to adjust you.

God you are tight he thought to himself. If he had any less control he would have busted inside immediately.

You cant relax. He feels so good and the semi public sex is turning you on something fierce. You can fell your cunt spasm around him as he starts to gently push in and out of you. You feel like your already close to your release and you barely started!

He groans as his pace increases and he lifts up your dress further exposing your pussy to him. He growls as he watches his cock plunge in and out of your tight, wet cunt. The feeling is unimaginable.

He leans you further back on the wall so he can snake his hand to your clit. He watches in wonder as he rubs your clit and your mouth slacks open.

You cant even moan. There is no sound coming from your mouth. You are utterly mute. You feel so unbelievably incredible.

“Ken- fuck I’m going to cum please go faster!” you manage to choke out barely. You aren’t sure you can handle faster but you really want this orgasm.

“As you wish baby” He says pulling his hand from you clit and jackhammering into you at an unbelievable speed. His hands on your ass as you wrap your legs around his waist.

“Oh fuck Kenji! I- I" you cant even form words. This angle, this speed is causing your body to act on its own. You feel a weird gush of liquid stem from your core as you try to regain control of your thoughts.

“oh shit baby did you just squirt?” he says as he looks at you and his jaw falls open at the feeling.

He’s never had sex that felt this amazing before. This angle, this view was everything. And by your reaction, you seemed to be enjoying it as well.

“Fuck that the was the hottest thing ever baby! Shit- I’m going to cum” he chokes as you finally manage a soft moan and nod as you feel the pressure from your orgasm still present. God you don’t even want this to end. This feeling was absolute bliss.

“shit shit baby-FUCK" He says as he stalls into your cunt pushing hard into you as your cunt gladly accepts him.

You can feel his cum shoot deep inside as you feel your pussy spasm against his cock.

He lays his head in your neck as he catches his breath and you pet his hair smiling, coming down from both of your highs. It was incredible.

He pulls back gently as he rubs your thighs and hips. He places his forehead against yours as he looks deep into your blown out pupils.

“Ok well that was the best sex I’ve ever had” he smiles as he kisses you deeply

“Best sex... for now” you giggle as he smiles kissing you again.

He takes out a handkerchief, cleaning you up as you fix your dress and he puts himself back in his jeans.

“Oh baby the night isn’t over yet” He smiles as he grabs your hand leading you out of the alley and down the street to his apartment.

A whole week had passed since your last “date” date with Kenji. Honestly it was more of a fuck fest, if you had to label it. You aren’t sure how you even managed to walk up to your apartment without falling. It took you 3 whole days to recover.

The sex had been mind-blowing. Honestly you were scared you wouldn’t be able to top it but you refused to go down without a fight.

This week was your date and you had the perfect plan.

“Alright doll, I’m ready” Kenji says as he leans in to kiss you at your door.

“Ok come in” you say moving to the side allowing him to enter.

“Wait here?” he smiles as he comes in removing his jacket and shoes.

“Yes sir” as you turn around. You opted to wear an oversized shirt and some thigh highs. You had a plan and it involves comfort.

“A little underdressed aren’t you doll” Kenji smiles as he sees your shirt lift up revealing your lush ass below.

Kenji bite his lip as he makes his way closer to you attempting to feel up your shirt as he kisses your neck. You drove him utterly insane wearing that outfit.

“ah ah ah Kenji” you say as you back into the cabinet “I’m in charge tonight sweetheart” you say as you shake your finger in front of his face.

“ok fine” he says throwing his hands up in defeat as he makes his way to the living room. Hoping some distance will cool him off a little.

You had ordered in sushi and had a bottle of wine waiting. You made your way over to the coach, expertly bending over revealing more skin with each reach.

“I’m beginning to think your goal is torture” he says as he watches you bend over. He desires to feel your soft skin so badly.

“me?” you say sarcastically “I wouldn’t dare.”

You eat, talk and drink as you laugh about your week and discuss your impending night. Kenji reaches over testing the waters as he begins laying light kisses on your cheeks, necks and collar bone.

“You know doll, it was torture for me to wait an entire week to fuck you again” he smiles as you kiss him deeply pushing him back on the couch.

“I actually debated just forfeiting” He laughs as you straddle him.

“Awe Kenji hooked on my sweet pussy already?” you say as you start to slowly grind on him. Maybe torture was part of your plan?!

“fuck- yes baby. Shit you feel so good” He groans as you apply more pressure to your grinding

“Well I mean, you wont have to worry about forfeiting after I win” you say as he pulls you harder into to his hardening member as you throw your head back in ecstasy.

It honestly was torture for you to wait as well. You were in agony by Wednesday. As hard as you tried, you couldn’t get yourself off. You had been completely ruined by the mind-numbing sex.

“Fuck baby you going to show me how to Dom or what” he smiles at you as he watches you lift your shirt, seeing the growing wet patch in your panties forming. He groans wanting go feel and taste your wet pussy.

“Patience sweetheart” you say as you grind faster into his cock pulling grunts and groans from him left and right.

“Shit baby you’re going to make me cum if you don’t hurry up and fuck me” he says as he can feel his release building

“Who said anything about you being inside of me Kenji? I’m running this show” you say as you stop grinding and move yourself down between his legs undoing his jeans as he watches you.

The way you shimmy down his legs towards his crotch has him losing his mind. He had felt your mouth the weekend prior and knew just how skilled you were with it. He could barely last the way you had taken his thick cock down your throat.

He watches you place licks on his hardened cock as his mouth falls slack and his eyes rolls back. You adjust your positioning as you continue to suck on his cock, slowly removing your panties and you start to rub your engorged clit.

You were getting so turned on from pulling all the pleasure you could from Kenji. The way his face contorted in pleasure could make you orgasm on the spot.

“sit on my face baby please” Kenji says as you continue to suck and lick on his cock. You stop your motions and look up at him.

Oh shit don’t stop please he thinks to himself.

“Kenji no” you say sternly as you begin to suck harder and move your fingers around your clit faster. Tonight was about Kenji and after last weekend, you had a lot of making up to do.

You feel your approach as you switch to stroking Kenji’s cock as you continue to pleasure yourself.

Watching you masturbate while you stroked his cock was too much. God you looked like an absolute goddess.

“Baby fuck- I’m going to cum. Please cum with me. I- I want to see you cum as you jerk me off” Kenji groans as he starts thrusting up into your hands as your fingers increase in speed. You are so close.

“Oh fuck Kenji, I’m going to cum, cum with me please” You say as your throw your head back in a scream as Kenji releases all over your hand and his stomach and you feel your cunt spasm around nothing.

“fuck baby you are really something else” Kenji says as he pants heavily coming down from his releases.

You really were. Never in his life had he been so turned on by a partner. You made sex fun and interesting and it drove him nuts.

You stick your fingers in his mouth as you slowly lean down to lick up the cum on his stomach and off his member. He groans as he feels your wet tongue hit his hardened abs and sensitive cock.

Locking eyes with him as you clean up his mess, he pulls his lip between his teeth. The feeling is too good.

You stand up as you remove your shirt from your body, revealing you naked form.

“oh fuck angel” Kenji says as he starts to harden immediately at the sight. God your body was perfect. Plush in all the right ways and absolutely stunning.

You remove his pants and boxers as you straddle his waist. He’s built, no doubt from his job and volleyball. He’s so pretty.

You lean down to kiss him deeply, as you force your tongue into his mouth, all while grinding on his hardened cock with your wet pussy. He groans as you move down his jaw as he pulls your hips faster against his cock.

You separate as you look down at him, completely blissed out from you grinding against his member. His length feels so good tickling your clit with pleasure.

You tug as his shirt as you help him pull it over his head, revealing his hardened form.

You move your mouth his chest as you suck on his nipples, licking lightly in between them as you move from one to another.

“Fuck baby are you trying to make me cum again” He grunts as you increase your pace. You want to make him feel as good as he made you feel.

Suddenly, without warning you sink your soaking cunt onto his hardened member pulling a choking grunt from the man below you as his hands dig harshly into your hips.

Fuck your cunt felt fantastic. Kenji would definitely chose to live in it if he could. So soft and warm and oh so tight.

“Are you trying to kill me?” He says as you begin bouncing on him as he tries to control his grunts.

Fuck- this girl really is trying to kill me. I’m not going to last. Focus Kenji he thinks to himself as he tries to regain composure over his body.

“Death by pussy sounds like a nice way to go” You say as your throw your head back in pleasure. Unbeknownst to him, you feel just as incredible as he does. His cock fit your pussy so perfectly.

He groans as you moan from the friction of his hardened cock. You speed up as you approach your high. You can tell Kenji's close because he starts meeting your bouncing with harsh thrust.

Fuck, he’s going to lose it. You feel fucking incredible. The way your pussy sinks down on his cock, taking him in so deeply has him going wild. He wants to, no needs to fuck you!

“Fuck doll- you win, you win please just let me fuck you” he groans as you can sense the pain in his voice. You got what you wanted.

“Fuck me Kenji. Pound into your cunt” you moan as he begins to thrust up into your cunt at an unimaginable pace.

His pace was much faster now than in the alleyway. You were sure your cervix was going to be bruised tomorrow.

“Holy fuck baby! Mine, mine, mine, all mine!” He groans as you scream from the pressure. This was it.

“Kenji fuck” you says as you feel your cunt spasm from you harsh orgasm that slammed straight into you head on.

“FUCK FUCK BABY” he groans as he stalls inside you as his mouth falls open and he presses into your pelvis harder. You grind on him as he pulls you in deeper as his groans slowly start to fade and you both ride out your intense orgasms.

He’s panting as you breath heavily on top of him, stroking his chest and adjusting his hair from his face.

He moves your hair to the side as he pulls you in for a kiss.

“You win doll you win” he pants heavily with a huge smile on his face.

“Good and I want my prize right now” you say as you situated yourself still on his cock.

“Which would be?” he says as he rubs small circles into your thighs. He isn’t sure what you want but after that last fuck session he’s willing to give you anything.

“Can we keep doing this?” you say shyly as a smile grows on his face.

“Well, I was going to ask you to be my girlfriend if I won so I would say fuck yes we can keep doing this” He says as he grabs you, standing up quickly running to your room and throwing you on the bed.

“Next, let’s see how long we can fuck before one of us orgasms?” He smiles as he kisses down your neck.

“It's a bet” you say moaning into a smile.

taglist: @yep-seeyalaterbranflakes @chaotic-nick @serostapesweat

#Futakuchi kenji #futakuchi x you #futakuchi smut #dateko #date tech #kenji #futakuchi x reader #futakuchi kenji #please me #please me series #dom fem wins #haikyuu smut #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #haikyu!! smut #haikyu!!#dom female #sub character #Futakuchi smut

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haechanplsacceptmylove · 3 years

Text

The One That Got Away

Characters: Sungchan x y/n (female)

Genre: angst

Warnings: pregnancy, death, blood

Words: 1.2k

Song: the one that got away - Katy Perry (listen to the sadder version)

Requested ✅

A/n: SORRY OK IM IN THE MOOD FOR VERY ANGST STUFF, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

You sipped your coffee, eyes smiling brightly at the man in front of you, your love of your life, your boyfriend Sungchan, who was also smiling brightly back at you. You just finished planning your trip for your 6th anniversary. You couldn't be any happier. If you could describe your life right now; perfect. A man you love, who loves you back just as much, a job, a house and most importantly your unborn child. You got to know about your pregnancy two weeks ago and it took you all of your energy to keep it a secret, until your 6th anniversary to make it more perfect and to surprise him with what he's been dreaming of for the past years. You've been planning how to tell him for the past two weeks, and you couldn't wait any longer to tell him. Thank god you only have to wait two days now, then everything will be more perfect. You didn't really plan anything big... Just thought of surprising him with a small box in a chill cuddly night, which has yellow small baby shoes in them.

You chuckle looking at the extra cute small shoes in front of you, remembering your promise you made when you got your matching tattoos, you promised to have your love for each other as permanent as your tattoos and to be there for each other, in good and bad. You had so much to tell him. You wanted to cuddle with him in your warm villa house and to talk about the past 6 years you've spent together. You were very excited. After packing your luggage you sent your boyfriend a goodnight message and went to sleep.

For the next 2 days you were only thinking about him. You couldn't really meet him because he had to do extra work so he could spend the whole week with you in the vacation. All you could do is text and call each other. I mean what's the problem with it if you'll be spending the next whole week in each other's arms? You were patient, for you, him and your baby.

Finally D-day! You had planned to meet your boyfriend first in a restaurant and then go together by the car to your villa house. It was a Chilly night, sky very clear, where you could see the bright stars. The road filled with cars and people, such a normal night, but still beautiful.

You waited for him outside the restaurant, checking the time every now and then. After 15 minutes of waiting, you finally saw your love of your life. Oh how much you missed his warm lovable embrace. Oh how much you wanted to kiss his tasty, sweet soft lips. Oh how much the night became more beautiful just when you saw him. You smiled and waved at him. He was wearing a black coat with such a nice suit under it, his hands holding a beautiful combination of red and white flowers. You gave each other a bright lovable smile. He was waiting for the lights to turn green for him to walk to you. And once they turned green, he walked towards you, a little too fast. He was excited, you chuckles. Your eyes shining with excitement and love. You were just very in love with each other. You found your world, life, future and home in each other's eyes.

He was getting closer and closer, oh how much your heart was beating. With every step he was taking, you heart was beating faster and faster. As if it was only beating for him, and it was. Your heart, and the smaller heart inside you, both were beating for this amazing man.

He was close, finally you'll have him in your arms, finally. Just when you heard people screaming. But you were so hooked up with his eyes and presence, you didn't care about others. As if all your senses only focused on Sungchan and only him.

In a blink of an eye, you saw your man on the ground after getting hit by a car. Everything went so fast that all you saw next is Sungchan on the ground, the flowers next to him, which were once white, turning red. A bloody kind of red. Your world stopped, you ran to him. You held his body. Not believing your eyes.

"S-Sungchan-"

You could barely talk

"Ba-baby"

He tried to talk

Your eyes were blurry with the amount of tears it held. Your shaky hands holding his face, close to yours. His eyes still, looked so lovable, warm and clear.

"M-My Ang-el"

He moved his hand to hold your cheek, wiping your tears

"My love"

You cried

"I-I really was-s excited t-to see y-your beautiful f-face"

His tears falling, mixing with the blood

"i m-missed you, Sungchan"

"I missed y-you to-o, y/n"

He smiled, his beautiful smile

"please, p-please stay with me, i-ill call the a-ambulance hold up"

Your shaky hands left his face and held your phone, trying to dial 911

"y/n, baby"

Sungchan held your hands, bringing them to him, leaving the dispatcher confused on the other line, not receiving any answers from the caller.

"Sungchan let me c-call them"

He shook his head

"Y/n baby... I n-never ever regretted b-being with y-you, I'm h-happy i m-met you"

You started sobbing, holding his face

He continued

"i-if i was to be born again i-I'd choose you, again and a-again, you are m-my life y/n"

"Sungchan s-stop talking! Y-you're tiring yourself more, s-stay still the the ambulance c-comes" you screamed at the people surrounding you, for them to call the ambulance.

Sungchan held your face, turning it down to look at him

"I-i w-wanted to-o a-ask you to b-be mine t-today" you only cried harder, your hands clenching around his face, not willing to let him go anytime sooner

"Su-sungchan, please s-stay, for me and for o-our b-baby"

He looked shocked, now he's crying harder, the blood that he's bleeding is now getting slower and slower, its ending soon.

"Y/n t-thank y-you for b-being there for m-me an—d for m-making me h-happy even in m-my last m-moment" his tear dropped

"do-n't s-say that! Y-you're staying a-alive Sungchan! I-i still h-have many things to s-say to y-you! R-remember o-our promise? Y-you can't l-leave me now... P-please"

"you'll b-be an am-amazing mother y/n" he whispered

"baby, i-in another life, w-would you be my g-girl too?" he asked, his eyes hopeful.

"Sungchan y-yes, I'll forever b-be yours and y-you'll forever b-be mine"

"I l-love you, Y/n... S-sorry—" his last tear fell, his eyes closed, breath stopped, hands fell from your cheeks, his body stilled.

"I-i l-love you t—oo"

You looked at your world's lifeless body on the ground. Looking around him, taking in this moment, trying to figure out if it's real or not. You looked at the now soaked in blood flowers, next to them a little box, your shaky hands reached out to it and opened it. It revealed a beautiful ring, with words "be my wife" on the upper side of the box.

You lost yourself. Looking at your lifeless man. You held his body close to yours, screaming and crying. How are you supposed to continue living without your oxygen? Without the reason for your heart to beat for? Without him? You hugged him, hearing the sirens of the ambulance.

"in another life, I'll be yours and you'll stay with me" you kissed his forehead before the medical technicians pulled you away from him. You saw them giving him cpr, but with no use, he's now covered by white material and taken away from you.

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sckyie · 3 years

Text

song: driver’s license by olivia rodrigo

word count: 2.5k

genre + warnings: angst; swearing, fear of driving, reminiscing in old memories

pronouns used: she/her

a/n: this was orignially supposed to just be an imagine inspired by the song, not apart of the song series but it fits too well to not change oikawa’s song. i also wrote this for @kybabi bc i love her :D n e wayz enjoy :) (part 2)

"So here you're going to turn and he'll make you do a parallel park in the street. You remember how to do that right?" Oikawa asked as he guided you to the next turn. As you turn the steering wheel, you spot a crowded curbside.

"No, can you please please park for me? I hate parallel parking," You pleaded.

"Only because you asked so nicely," He teased.

Ever since you told your best friend that you wanted to learn how to drive, Oikawa never let it go whenever you wanted to hang out. Having you drive him around for practice and giving you tips as you went. He's helped you a ton while you drove around, the only issues you had were parallel parking and merging onto the highway.

"Maybe we should try the highway again," Oikawa said after you two switched seats.

"Are you asking for a death wish?" You joked. "I drive too slow and I'm scare to merge into lanes."

"We can practice on smaller freeways if you want," He asks.

"No," You growled.

It was always a terrifying thing to drive on the highway. You always saw those horrid accidents and feared being in one. Oikawa would always put his hand on your thigh as you merged to calm you down. Just having him be there was enough to get you to get onto the highway. All your fears just faded with him beside you.

Just having this intimate driving lesson with him was enough for you. You grew to fall in love in your best friend. A cliché thing, yet you couldn't say anything. Only you and your girl friends knew about your big crush. It was a funny thing, falling for your childhood best friend. Iwaizumi always joked about you doing so but you never admitted to liking Oikawa. What would that do to your friendship?

Today was the day, it was your test day. The scariest thing you anticipated was finally here. The thing you practiced days on end with Oikawa. The thing that could either make or break you. Today, you'd either come out with your license or you'll be walking home.

The nerves crept up your body like spiders leaving a trail of anxiety webs. You bounced you leg as you waited in the lobby looking out for your driving instructor. As your sweaty palms go to check the time, you notice a text message from Oikawa.

butthead: hey! good luck on your test today!

That's what cooled you down. A simple saying of good fortune will help, right? Sure enough, the test was a breeze, minus the parallel parking as it was the one mistake you got. You happily drove home to tell the news to your parents.

"Have you told Tooru yet?" Your mom asked.

"I'll wait until my actual driver license to prove to him I got it," You smiled.

"You like him don't you?" Your mom gestured to the joy on your face. "I can tell."

"No," You looked away from your mom as she raised her eyebrow. "Okay, maybe but you can't say anything. I'm going to my room now." She chuckled as you dragged you feet to your room.

Two weeks passes and you finally received your license in the mail. You smiled happily down at your new card as you walked outside the school building. You looked up to search for your best friend. Your eyes scanned the courtyard before landing on Iwaizumi. Assuming Oikawa was nearby, you headed towards him.

"Hey Iwa, where's Oiks?" You asked. Iwaizumi raised up his hand and pointed across to the gate. You looked over to find Oikawa talking to Kasumi, a classmate of yours.

"He's asking her to go on a date with him again," Iwaizumi says.

Again? He's done it before?

"Are they dating?" You ask.

"Not yet, Oikawa wants to ask her to be his girlfriend on the date," Iwa explains. "What's that?" He points to your hands as you fiddled with the corner of your driver's license.

"Oh," You said solemnly. "I got my license."

You waved goodbye to your childhood friend before going into he parking lot. Without thinking, you started the car and just began to drive. Out of the school and onto who knows where. Your mind grew blank as you drove.

How could he not mention Kasumi to you? He used to tell you everything but lately he'd been so distant. Maybe that's why he hasn't texted you all week, you thought. Who could blame him for liking Kasumi? She's so pretty and not to mention how smart she is. She's the class representative and she's one of the nicest girls around.

You fell for the one man you shouldn't have. It was too late to even confess how you felt. He was already falling for another while you were left behind. You felt a sharp pain in your chest as you drove by familiar buildings.

The laundromat where you and Oikawa would go to help with the laundry. You both would end up messing around and your parents would have to kick you two out. You and Oikawa would go across the street to the convenience store to buy steamed buns.

He doesn't like you.

The library where you would wait for Oikawa to finish practice so you two could study together. He'd bring you a bottle of tea and some sort of snack to keep you from burning out. Those study dates where you'd stay until the library was closed.

Give up, stop thinking of him.

The ramen restaurant where Oikawa would take you if he won a game. It was a great celebration and you two had made so many memories there. You two had gone there so often, he convinced the owner that you were his girlfriend.

Let him go.

All the feelings you had for him began to ache in your heart as you reminisced in the memories. You gripped tighter on the wheel as you saw an highway exit. "Fuck," You whispered as you merged into the fast lane. Suddenly all those fears you had of driving, just disappeared. You felt this peace as your eyes locked on the long highway. It was like, nothing hurt anymore. Your tensed shoulders relaxed, yet you felt tears roll down your cheeks. You took deep breaths as you drove attempting to stop your tears.

Soon enough, driving on the highway had shifted from a phobia to an escape. Everyday after school, rather than meeting up with Oikawa and Iwaizumi before practice, you'd drive on the highway and on backroads. It was the only thing that kept you sane when you see Kasumi with Oikawa together.

You became accustomed to the fast pace of the highways. Occasionally you'd speed if you felt some type of pain grow in your chest. You'd blast music to drown out any thoughts or feelings you had. You knew Oikawa could never be yours, so why bother crying over him, right? The thought of being around him began to make you uncomfortable. If you kept your distance, you wouldn't get hurt. You wouldn't be considered a distraction.

butthead: hey?

you: what's up?

butthead: it's been a while since i've seen you :( i miss my best friend

you: are you sure you mean to text me or iwa?

butthead: you, y/n i miss hanging with you

butthead: you didn't come to the restaurant after our game

you: i was busy, sorry

butthead: :(

you: i gotta go, ill talk to you later

Oikawa sighed at his phone and looked across the table to Iwaizumi. "Have you talked to Y/n lately?" He asked.

"Yeah, she borrowed gas money from me," Iwa says before slurping his noodles.

"Gas money? She got her license?" Oikawa tilts his head. "How long has it been?"

"A month? You got caught up with Kasumi," Iwaizumi says.

"Hmph," Oikawa huffed as he sipped his drink. He'd been spending so much time with Kasumi that he forgot about you. Or was it, you started to forget about him? He glances at the window behind Iwa and noticed a familiar car parking.

You parked your car across the street of the restaurant next to a convenience store. You quickly got out and went into the store looking for something to drink. As you began to scan the fridge, you heard the door open. "Y/n?" You turned to find Oikawa.

"What are you doing here?" You turned back to grab a soda.

"Iwa came to eat with me since you didn't make it," Oikawa says. "He's still there, did you want to join us?"

"No thanks, I'm kinda busy at the moment," You say dully. Oikawa goes to speak but you had already walked to go pay for your drink. "Later Oikawa."

"Oikawa?" He watched as you left the store and into your car. He follows suit and watched you speed off. Oikawa quickly makes his way back to the restaurant and seats himself disgruntled. "Y/n called me Oikawa..."

"That's your name isn't it?" Iwaizumi raised his eyebrow.

"She always calls me Oiks or Ru, never Oikawa," He says. "Did I do something wrong?"

Iwaizumi shrugged even though he knew the answer well enough. After Oikawa had asked Kasumi to be his girlfriend, your demeanor had changed. Iwa was the first to notice too. Typically, after school you'd see the duo before practice started, yet since you learnt Oikawa had eyes for another, you stopped.

One day, Iwaizumi decided to follow after you when school was over. He trailed behind as you walked to your car door. You pulled open the door handle only for Iwa to shut the door immediately after. You turned to find Iwaizumi with scrunched eyebrows. "What's wrong with you?" He asked. "Why haven't you came by before practice?"

"No reason, I'm just busy," You lied.

"Liar, what's wrong?" He asks yet you remained silent. "I won't tell Shittykawa just tell me why you're being so distant...and also why your eyes are always puffy."

You paused before answering, "I'm just...upset with Oikawa...and Kasumi.."

"Do you..?" Iwaizumi implied. You nod and looked at the ground. "What have you been doing since you found out about them?"

"Driving," You sighed. "Just driving...It's keep me off my mind all week. I bear the fact that he looks so happy with her and not...me. God I'm so stupid."

"Don't say that-" Iwa started but you immediately lashed out.

"It's true! I was too late to confess! And I fell for the one boy I can't have!" You felt tears well up in your eyes. "I can't even drive by certain places without getting upset. I take backroads and I avoid them completely. I hate driving by his house but it's the only way to my own. He just treats me like another fucking fan girl! I'm just so stupid for falling for my best friend." Since that day, Iwaizumi kept to his promise. Not word about your feelings were said to Oikawa.

butthead: hey are you busy right now ?

you: no, what's up?

butthead: can you help me with something?

you: depends

butthead: meet me at the library so i can tell you more :)

You locked you phone and tossed it into your passenger's seat. You looked up to see the light change to green, allowing you to speed into the highway. Your hands rested at the bottom of the wheel as you drove. The slow, lo-fi music surrounded your car as you drove which let you get out of your trapped mind.

It was a crazy thought to think that you and Oikawa were so excited to drive together. Yet now all you want to do is drive alone. You turned up the volume of your music as you merged into your neighborhood. You leaned further back into your seat as you were driving around the suburbs. You glance at the white cars lining one street leading to the library. You scoffed at the sight as a repressed memory resurfaced.

"Why do you like white cars so much?" You chuckled.

"Because they look clean and nice? Sorry I don't like your basic silver car," Oikawa raised his hand to block your face.

"I'm basic? Says the one who wants an automatic," You pretend to throw up to mock him.

"For someone who can't drive yet, you talk big," Oikawa pats your head only to be smacked a few seconds late. Oikawa drapes his arm over you as you walked down the street to the library The entire walk was filled with mocking and talking about the future. "Let me teach you how to drive, that way we could go out together more."

You finally arrived at the library, spotting Oikawa before parking the car. He watches as you easily parallel park and is stunned by how casual you are as you drove. You set out and approach him. Oikawa holds out a snack to you but you politely refuse.

"Let's go inside?" He asks. You shrugged and followed him in. Rather than sitting beside him like usual, you sat across from him. You still had those feelings for him but you couldn't stand sitting next to him. Your heart was pounding out of your chest as you anticipated his next words. "I was wondering if you could help me with Kasumi?"

Ouch.

"With what?" You ask.

"I want to give her a gift, right?" He starts. "A gift that goes along with me telling her I love her."

He loves her?

Your heart aches but you decide to move past that. "Isn't it a bit early to say I love you?"

"Well, we were long time friends before we started dating and I feel like it's the right time to, y'know?" Oikawa leans forward on the table. "Can you help me find a gift?"

This feels familiar. Helping him find a gift for a girl that isn't you. It seems like anytime he does have a crush he'd come to you for advice. This is the first time that you didn't want to give into his favors.

"No," You sighed.

"No? Wait why not?" He raised his eyebrows at you.

"Because," Say it. "Because I-"

"Because?" Oikawa tilts his head at your response.

"Because I can't keep doing things like this for you," You stood up and began heading for the entrance. Oikawa followed afterwards as he could see the pain in your voice.

"Y/n, talk to me, we haven't talked in forever. Tell me what's wrong," He says as you exit the library. You ignore his voice and reached for your car door. He grabs your arm but you shove him off.

"Would you just- leave me alone?" You snapped. "I don't want to help you, okay?"

"What did I do?" Oikawa was beyond confused at your response.

"I- You- Ugh! Just go away, I don't want to see you!" Your voice cracked as the suppressed feelings began to rise again.

"Why not!" Oikawa grabbed your arm again, this time you weren't able to break free.

"Because I fucking loved you idiot!" You yelled. Hot tears streamed down your cheeks as you stopped struggling in his hold. Oikawa paused and stared at you in wonder.

"You...loved me?" He asked.

"I still fucking love you! God, I hate you- I just- Let go!" You pulled off him. "I'm leaving. If you try to stop me, I'm never speaking to you again." You wiped your tears as you entered your car. Driving off into the neighborhood, crying at the red lights knowing you could've ruined your whole friendship.

Oikawa watched as you sped off. Those words lingered in his ear as he stared down at his hand where you let go. His mind was lost in thought, how could his best friend love him? Was he that blind that he couldn't see your admiration? "She...loves me?" He thought.

taglist: @amillionfandoms-onlyoneme @d0llpie @elianetsantana @joy-laufeyson @kac-chowsballs

#haikyuu #haikyu #hq #haikyuu x you #haikyu x you #hq x you #haikyuu oikawa #hq oikawa #oikawa x you #oikawa tooru #oikawa imagine #oikawa angst #hss; sckyie playlist

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peculiar-lover · 3 years

Text

First Encounters pt 3 (Neville x reader SMUT)

A.n: MY LOVELY PEOPLE! WHAT YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FORRR the steamy PART 3! This is my first real steamy stuff so if it doesn't make sense sorry about that I'll get better the more I write 😉 I tagged those who have asked about pt 3 because I was encouraged by them😅 ALSO IF YOURE READING THIS- Take a Slice by glass animals was being repeatedly played while I wrote this If I put you on LET ME KNOWWWW!

Neville and y/n decide to continue their “study date” back in Neville’s dorm

TW: SMUT

You and Neville were now both quickly walking to his Gryffindor common room. Before you arrived at the entrance you made an abrupt stop. Neville falling too close to you, bumped right into you and his hard dent rubbed right against the top of your bottom. You smirked to yourself knowing your little plan worked just like you wanted it to, before turning around to look at Neville.

"I-im sor-" You kissed him cutting off his apology short. You pulled away from him and slightly bit your bottom lip, "c'mon Neville not too far now." He eagerly followed right behind you as you reached the common room door.

❤️Gryffindor y/n: You quickly gave the password and the door let you both through.

Neville was thanking Merlin that his forgetful mind would not interfere the time he had with you.

💛💚💙Any other house y/n: You stood at the door but looked back at Neville.

"I can't be much use here." you smiled shyly. Neville nodded and went in front of you and for the first time ever, said the password without a second thought, forgetting that he would usually struggle hours trying to remember the password. He didn't want anything in his way.

As you reached his dorm you heard laughs and talking. The rest of Neville's roommates were all there. You looked up at Neville desperately and he got the hint and stuck his head in the room.

"D-draco, is being tormented by the twins in the courtyard. You might want to stop them." Neville quickly interrupted whatever the boys were doing.

"You're mad Neville! Why would we stop the show!?" Ron exclaimed quickly before running out of the room along with Harry, Seamus, and Dean. Neville stood right in front of you, hiding you with his large and tall frame so none of the boys could see you as they ran by. He wanted to avoid all questions and his intentions could not be exposed now. As Neville stayed looking at the boy's leave, you pulled his hand right into the dorm. You closed the door and locked it.

"I'm guessing this is your bed?" You said sitting on the edge of what you hoped was his well made bed. Neville nodded shyly. You smiled and leaned back a little, tapping the spot right next to you. Neville obliged and awkwardly sat next to you,

"Now back to our study session." You sarcastically said while softly grabbing the sides of Neville's face pulling him into a kiss. Neville was caught off guard at first but then quickly started to kiss you back. Your hand started to trail back down his body as the other revisited the back of his neck and continued the small tugs that made Neville moan within the kiss. Neville was so into the kiss that he forgot he left his hands by his sides so he grabbed your waist pulling you slightly closer to his body. Your hands trailed down to the hem of his shirt slowly digging your hand through and caressing his side and front. Neville squirmed at your touch and pulled away, this time making you whimper slightly.

"y-y/n, I-i-i know y-you just wanted to help me not feel bad when this s-situation occurred, but we don't have to do anything you don't want to, Merlin, i'm grateful just to get near you, I think I can help myself from just thinking about you. W-wait, wait I mean-" Neville started to go on his anxious ramble and his face grew red the more he continued but he stopped when he heard you giggle.

"That's quite a compliment if you ask me, but I would much rather be here with you keeping my promise that I will help you." You started to lean again into his neck and pecked all around. "You have no idea how much I have longed to meet you Neville Longbottom, to be in this situation with you, I must be dreaming." You purred continuing to leave long and sloppy kisses along his neck.

You didn't lie of course, You have been wanting to meet Neville for Weeks now and to already be in this situation so quickly, you thought it was a gift from Merlin himself. Neville cut you from your thoughts as he put his hand under chin and made you look up at him. He said nothing at first and just stayed staring at your eyes and lips. You slowly moved to reconnect your lips. Your hands went to grab the hem of his pants and you traced along until you reached the front buckle, shyly tugging at it. Neville leaned back on his hands signaling that he was okay with it. Still not breaking from the kiss you pulled down His pants exposing himself. You heard him make a small moan as he felt the cold air hit his now bare legs and shaft. You still by his side broke from the kiss to pull your panties off leaving your skirt on. Once they were off you straddled Neville continuing the kiss. Neville Grabbed your back so you wouldn't fall off of him and pulled you both down on the bed.

You looked down, positioning yourself well enough to be in front of his tip. Neville was also watching but your eyes connected as you looked back up at him. As you slowly made him enter you saw him close his eyes shut and his head fell back as he let small and loud moans escape his mouth. Once you felt the rest of him enter, the amount of pleasure you were experiencing made your face fall back into the crook of his neck . You grinded slowly at first, Neville gripped your waist tightly. You reconnected with his lips once again as you started to speed up your rhythm. Neville couldn't contain himself as he constantly broke from the kiss letting out an earful of moans, but he always went back to connect his lips with yours. He gained his strength and then moved his hips allowing himself to hammer himself harder into you. You heard your heartbeat beating loudly and your insides ache with an immense of pleasure.

"Y-y/n,,,I-im c-close." You heard Neville groan out.

"I-Im s-so close." You answered. You bounced on him slightly as you felt your orgasm begin to build. You bounced and panted as you felt yourself reaching the peak. Neville felt your walls tightening around his length making him hit his orgasm. You both mewled and moaned helplessly as you reached the end of your orgasm letting the room fill with only the sounds of your small pants along with his heavy breathing. You collapsed right next to Neville watching his chest fall and rise.

"W-was that good?" Neville asks, slowly looking down at you.

You giggled once more, "It was brilliant, Neville." You both smiled as you reached to kiss each other sensually once more. You broke the kiss once more feeling your excitement build back up again. "But Ill need to head off before the boys realize that there is no Draco tormenting show at all." You pulled your underwear back on and straightened yourself as Neville did the same with his pants and briefs. You held Neville's hand as you opened the door but quickly let go as you saw the group of boys in front of it.

"Y/n? Why are you here?" Ron questioned as he saw you.

"I-i was told to check your room. F-for Nargles, under Luna's orders." You stiffened hoping that they believed you. They just stared and you let yourself go past them leaving Neville behind.

"Thank You Neville, for helping. And boys your beds are a mess." You grinned

"Our beds! Neville's bed is the messiest out of all of ours, it looks as if a bloody tornado swept through it." Ron exclaimed. You saw Neville's face heat up and you giggled as you left back to your own dorm. Your first encounter with Neville couldn't have been any better.

A.n: THIS IS MY FIRST SMUT EVERRRRRR! obviously not the best but like I said I will improve as I write more hehe

#neville x reader #neville longbottom #neville #Neville longbottom smut #neville longbottom one shot #neville x y/n #Nevillelongbottom #nevillelemon #harrypottersmut

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samtheflamingomain · 3 years

Text

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

#rehab #alcoholism #alcohol tw #sam #recovery #sobriety

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prorevenge · 6 years

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Destroy my childhood, ruin my chance at college, and laugh when I said I was homeless? Lol cool, I'll ruin your f*cking life.

warning: this is a VERY long story with few updates and TL:DR at the end.

BACKSTORY: My mother was a really shitty person. I have 4 other siblings. One older sister, 3 way younger, 3 different dads. Before I was born (im a male btw), my oldest sister was taken away from my mother when she was a few months old because she tried to stab/slice the father of my sister WHILE HE WAS HOLDING HER. She lost custody and the dude left her. Older sister goes to live with her fathers family in a different city. CUE LIL OL ME COMING INTO THIS SEXY WORLD. My dad went to jail 2-3 years after I was born for a while, I rarely saw him. He's an alcoholic if that matters. She was a single mother but she made it work and she worked hard. One of the bigger problems was that she took out all her aggression and hatred of my father on me as well as work stress and etc. She dealt with sexual abuse growing up which I'm sure definitely affected her relationships and how she treated me as well. Anyways...

Cue me being abused from the age of 4-5 to about 17. Every day was hell. She was extremely strict and her perspective was warped. She was also pretty big in stature and had alot of strength. Examples of her being shitty: I've gotten beaten up badly once because HER room was dirty. The dishes weren't washed and I got beaten soon as I got home, even if there weren't dishes when I left to school. If i walked too loud, id get my ass beat. She broke my nose for looking at her the wrong way on my 10th birthday when she brought me a cake I was allergic too(It had peanuts, she knows im slightly allergic but feigned ignorance..) It was more or less every day or every other day. She used her fists/elbows/extension cords/hangers/chairs/canes/bats/etc. Whatever she could find I was getting beaten with. I couldn't ever escape to my room for long because she would always call me every few minutes to get her things or to yell at me. She never drank or did drugs or anything. Whenever she was upset and I happened to be in front of her she'd kick me down the stairs to make me hurry up. She's put a knife to my neck before and had to be forcibly stopped by her bf of the time. Burned my Christmas presents from other people (she didnt get me anything that year) and just other really shitty things. The only thing I will say, she tried really hard to make up for it with video games and electronics and etc. It didn't make a difference to me though, it never helped.

She controlled most aspects of my life. I got by with little petty revenges. Peeing in the Lipton iced tea she drank. Rubbing her forks and spoons between ny buttcheeks before i served her dinner. Ignoring her screams for help when she had kidney stones (how tf am i supposed to help anyways??) But by the time i got to highschool I turned to alcohol. I resented her and the negative atmosphere affected who I was as a person. I started to be cold and uncaring. Calculated. She started kicking me out every few months telling me to find somewhere else to live by age 15. She sent me away to a different country for a year and tried to keep my passport but I made it back to the US with the help of the embassy and my step father (she'd already left by that time and found some other dude). I came back senior year with no credits for the prior grade which ended with me getting a GED. I spent most of the time i could with my best friend and started working shitty jobs. I was terrible at saving as i had accumulated loads of shitty habits while growing up so it didnt make much difference. She eventually told me that If i went to college, I would ALWAYS have a place to live until I finished. Cue my first 2 semesters at a 2 year college, I maintained a 3.7ish gpa. My teachers loved me and it was my escape. Towards the end of my 2nd semester during finals, i came home late one night around 10pm and my mother yanks the door open screaming in my face asking when I'll move out. I'm slightly drunk and decide to completely ignore her and walk to my room. If I opened my mouth, that day would be the day I blew up and cursed her out. I've rarely ever raised my voice at her because it never ended well. Now at this point im 19 and I've been doing school full time with no savings. Im also fairly fit and could easily take my mom at this point (Never laid a hand on her or any woman, i hate violence). I get to my room, she rips my door open, and starts yelling. I say nothing and stare at her. She walks away and called the police on me saying she thought id murder her and my younger siblings. I don't know where the fuck she got that idea from as she's the one who's nearly killed me many times.

I packed everything into a duffle bag and left 5 minutes afterwards. I failed all of my finals because I couldn't make it to my school. Things kinda spiraled and the next 2-3 years were me on and off homeless. I survived the best I could in a big city with no college degree and made a lot of shitty choices due to my shitty habits. Eventually i found a profitable hobby that gave me meaning and through that i started to work my way up. Got my own apartment, had a full time job, and did my hobby on the side. I hadn't kept up contact with my mother at all but my younger sister who was old enough to have a phone found me on social media so i saw photos and such, she didn't have it anywhere near as bad but she did get beaten occasionally. My mother reached out via email all smiles asking how I've been. Now guys, ive always been envious of the relationship most ppl have with their moms so I gave her a chance and gave her a call. We talked for a few minutes and everything was civil and seemed like things would go okay but then...

She asked me what I've been up to the last few years and I told her honestly, that I was homeless for a while and struggled a lot after what she did to me but I worked my way out of it. SHE LITERALLY LAUGHS. She laughed for a few seconds in a very condescending kinda chuckle and then said "I never did a thing to you so you don't know what abuse is! its your own damn fault you were homeless. So how about yo-" but by that point I hung up. I was speechless and fuming. I don't know what abuse is? OKAY BITCH. IVE SPENT TOO FUCKING LONG LETTING YOU DESTROY MY SANITY. NOW IS THE TIME.

There was a few things my mother didn't know. One, I knew for a fact that current well paying job she had was gotten on lies as she never got her college degree and lied about it on her resume. Two, I had access to all of her email accounts and cloud storage accounts since I was the one that set them up when I was younger and she never changes her passwords. Lastly, she DEFINITELY wasn't aware that from 13yrs old and onto the last time she hit me I took photos of ALL my bruises/marks/wounds/bloody noses saving them to my computer and then google drive. ON TOP OF THAT, my little sister had been sending me photos via social media of the bruises she got from my mom.

The first thing I did was compile ALL of those photos/videos into one folder. I then reached out to CPS in my city and explained that my siblings were being abused, how I was abused in the past, and that I had mountains of proof. Since ive called the cops on my mother before AND the thing that happened with my older sister, there was immediately a home visit. They arrived almost a day later with the police and coincidentally my mother was literally in the process of beating my younger sister when they were knocking. Cue an Emergency removal of all my siblings from the house and my mother getting arrested though she was released hours later. (I was getting a day to day play by play because my mothers best friend is a blabber mouth and everything my mother said she told her son who relayed it to me without either of their knowledge.) I sent CPS all the evidence and there's a legit case against my mother now. The next day I emailed and then called up her job to inform them that she had lied about having a very necessary college degree as well current events in her life which sparked a background check. She was fired days later. Say adios to 75k and a blacklist in the only industry you know how to work. I then spitefully deleted every cloud account and email address I ever made for her, which was all of them which im sure will make keeping up with alot bills and etc nearly impossible. I then anonymously reported her to the IRS because of the tax fraud she committed for years by claiming people's children that weren't hers with ALOT of detailed information since I lived with her while she did it.

So now, my mother lost all her kids and her job. Im meeting with a caseworker from CPS next week to talk more about what happens moving forward but I do know they're NOT going back. Idk how she's gonna pay her mortgage now and survive. I'm sure she's gonna get a call from the IRS who'll be looking for a few thousand dollars she owes them. She also has to go back to court in a few months, not exactly sure what she was charged with but ill update when I find out how everything turns out.

Side Note: She isn't aware im the cause of any of this. I plan on keeping tabs on her and waiting until it seems like she's close to death before I tell her it was all me and I peed in her Lipton.

Updates:

1) I am psychologically not in the position to take care of my younger siblings or take on a parental role. I came very close to suicide 2 years ago and im just trying to work on my alcohol problem and other habits that keep me in a cycle of instability. No I haven't been to any programs or therapy, I don't think it will help me in regards to my nearly constant apathy and etc.

2) My 2 youngest siblings weren't really bothered much. It was mostly my little sister after I left who got beatings but luckily it wasn't anything near the level I had to deal with.

3) Im also incapable of taking custody because I don't have an apartment anymore due to bad decisions I made while drinking recently. So I'm back to homeless but I crash with a friend once in a awhile. I am very well aware I am an influence on my younger siblings and I'm trying to stay consistent with doing everything I can to be a better and more stable person for them so that maybe I can finally build a real relationship with someone in my family. I'm sorry to disappoint everyone who keeps wishing me more success.

4) Aside from my little siblings, I have zero contact with anyone else in my family. And even then, its been very rare because I had to avoid my mother to see them and didn't want her knowing i kept in contact (Meeting my little sister after school, facetime, etc). The rest of my family were well aware of what she did and distanced themselves. I don't plan on reaching out to them as im not good at maintaining relationships with mostly anyone anyways.

TL;DR - My mother abuses me badly for most of my life as well as my younger siblings. I have to drop out of college and support myself after she drove me to homelessness. She proceeds to laugh at me about me being homeless and denys abuse. So I ruined her life by getting my younger siblings removed and her arrested, making her lose her job, reported her to the IRS, and essentially set her up so that the remainder of her life is full of disaster and hardships.

(source) (story by howbout_that_lipton)

#pro revenge #by howbout_that_lipton #prorevenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #revenge story

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abiteofnat · 6 years

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Don’t knock it till you try it...

Because one day, you might suddenly be old and ill and just really need the comfort of a hot cup of black coffee.

Even writing that, I suddenly felt all my joints stiffen and a need to yell at neighborhood kids.

As an ex-barista and lover of ALL overly-sweet coffee beverages (including the occasional summertime Frappucino), I have never been one to crave the same cup of scalding hot acid that customers used to wait in line for 20+ minutes for. I get it- it’s cheap, it gives your eyeballs the ability to see, you can put sugar and milk in it, whatever. But other than enjoying the very intense training and roast taste tests Peet’s loved to encourage employees to take part in, I never found myself walking out of a shift holding anything other than a glorified morning-time cocktail of caffeine. So imagine my surprise when the other week I was in Boston with my family, and that awkward fall weather between chilly, moist and downright pleasant had me questioning if it was time to ween off the iced coffee for something that could warm me like an internal fireplace. ME? Not want ICED COFFEE? Unheard of. I also wasn’t feeling great, and wanted... black coffee?? What?? So I asked my dad, the designated water boy of Starbucks for my family of demanding women, to get me a tall dark roast coffee with cream. Let me tell you, it sparked genuine concern in my mom and I think it’s truly when my life as a grandma began. Between that and needing to ice my legs every few hours due to a medical mystery I’m currently the star of, I had become old and weak, wanting none of that caramel macchiato crap and just wanting coffee.

Twenty minutes later I sipped the ostracized dark roast with a pinch of cream and chocolate powder, and I'll be damned- it was so, so good. As in, I wanted it the next morning, and the morning after that, and then wanted to try a different roast from a non-Starbucks cafe, and then began a quest to try all the house roasts at little coffee shops around Chicago. It’s become an obsession of sorts and caused me to question, maybe working as a barista made me resent black coffee from working around it too much; from measuring beans and counting out pounds and constantly burning myself on the giant coffee brewer baskets, I can see how it’s possible. We’re an espresso family- it’s in our blood. We are made of Americanos, and I was blind to see any other way to be. But I am changing.

So now I have a running list of everywhere that makes a decent cup of dark roast and it turns out, when you have a really refined palette from needing to recite flavor profiles off the top of your head to very inquisitive customers and also grew up around coffee since birth, you can tell what’s good and what’s not. Everyone has their own personal preference, but I’m all about the Central American roasts that offer rich chocolate tones, deep flavor, and a smooth finish. Working at Peet’s, the only roast I would suggest was the Guatemala San Sebastian blend because it was the single roast I genuinely loved and because it tastes like chocolate cake. It is fun to build up that flavor profile and know exactly what smell, taste and depth makes you happy to brew up in the morning, and so I suggest you don’t act like a mole person as I did for many years and aim to expand your coffee knowledge. One day you’ll be 80 and that cup of coffee will take you back to all sorts of memories, which is also why I believe the only reason people like coffee is because it reminds them of adults they love drinking coffee and therefore also want to feel like an adult by drinking it. Ask anyone, adults have nooo clue what they’re doing in life either but they look like they do when they’re holding coffee.

Anyway, the point of this post was not to preach about not being a mole person and instead inform readers where some freakin’ good coffee is! So keep scrolling!

1. Everybody’s Coffee

This place was somewhere I'd been once before with a close friend, and we spent a very early morning there hiding from the bitter cold after attempting to do a full-on photo shoot with the sunrise by the lake. If you have ever been to Chicago and been by the lake outside of the summer months, you know it’s breathtaking but terrible. So Everybody’s Coffee was our heaven that AM and the entirely wooden interior made it infinitely cozier, as it feels like a secret log cabin located right on Wilson. The Wilson area isn’t exactly desirable, but there are some gems if you find ‘em. Also, there’s a Sonic.

The other morning I changed up my routine and took the bus to Wilson, got a coffee, enjoyed a particularly peaceful morning sipping joe and waiting for the next bus, and then rolled up to work feeling caffeinated and yet calm. Taking that extra time for myself in the AM, and weirdly enough talking to a barista before a single coworker, made such a difference!

Everybody’s Coffee is one of the most inviting coffee shops ever, so if you’re looking for an actual hideaway where you can set up your laptop and enjoy a croissant and damn good coffee, check this place out.

2. Zanzibar’s Cafe

This spot is always full of interesting characters enjoying their cakes, sandwiches, gigantic salads, and shockingly awesome coffee at all times of the day. Located on Bryn Mawr (yes, even more north) this cafe has a mix of all the breakfast/lunch essentials and they are GOOD. Snag a morning bun filled with fresh lemon zest, the Western breakfast sammie, and a pipping hot coffee with a dash of hazelnut syrup to start your Sunday and you’ll be ready to take on anything... like a nap, or the short walk to the next location!

3. Phlour

Phlour is a newfound love song I cannot stop singing. Also located in the Narnia that is the Bryn Mawr area, this spacious bakery has like a billion type of croissants and they are all DELISH. I am very picky about croissants because there’s a difference between the waxy, bread-y Starbucks kind and then the buttery, flaky, light but oh-so-rich decadence of a FRONCH CROISSANT. One bite of their chocolate croissant and I was like OUI OUI, MERCI. Then I also ordered a cinnamon roll and after a lick of icing I was like oh HON HON (French laughter). The coffee was ordered large and black, and it was perfect. Since it’s now winter and snow has snowed, I was wrapped in layers and hats and my fur coat and nothing was better than wrapping my hands around that cup o’ morning love. Go to Phlour and find literal paradise in the form of carbs, caffeine, and incredible decor that includes neon lights (my kryptonite).

4. Cafe Hollander

Ok... So this one is in Wisconsin... EVEN FARTHER NORTH. I’m so sorry Chicagoans, I'm askew! I’m not trendy! There’s something very satisfying about enjoying a cup of coffee that’s not 2 feet from the streets of the Loop... but watch me live in the Loop next year and change my tune. My girl Sheila and I adventure to Madison every fall and this year we happened to go the first weekend of November, when that cold, sleepy feeling truly takes you over no matter what time of day it is. We enjoyed a football game and lots of Starbucks day one of the trip, and even got cider at Collectivo which was warm and wonderful to sip while looking at the Capitol all lit up. Sunday, however, we needed real coffee and a lot of warm food before heading back to Chicago so we headed to Cafe Hollander a little outside of the downtown area. While the service was overwhelmed by the amount of people there, and the food took eons to come out of the kitchen, I was soooo pleased with my breakfast and drank maybe 3-5 mugs of their coffee. It was the perfect mix of bitter and sweet milk chocolate tones, and then the smooth aftertaste sold me on whatever they kept pouring in my mug. Combined with the cute seating near the giant glass windows and greenhouse-style roof, I was very excited to relax and chat about life for the hours we roosted there.

And then, we got Starbucks for the drive back because the holiday cups really just scream “please hold me while you sing Christmas carols for the entire two and a half hour drive back.” Yeeeep.

I can’t wait to keep trying new coffees at new places, and I'd love to hear any suggestions for coffee spots I have yet to wander into! Please let me know!

Until next time, Happy Eating!

-Natalie

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amaintainedrisk · 5 years

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i'm sorry if anybody is worried about me.

I think the most disturbing thing about the century is that I’m not even scratching the surface about what has been going on around here and what my family has been doing to me but I don’t have it in me to tell everything right now. It’s going to have to wait until this headache passes.

Still don't have a phone. The abuse has gotten so much worse and I cannot get anyone to help me. My mother and my aunt have done nothing but torture me since my grandmother died and taking it out on me. I've spent the last three months locked away in my room, and I'm lucky if I eat once a day. They have turn the Internet off so I can't use my iPad to tell anybody or talk to anyone to tell them about this. The only reason I can update right now is because I waited for my mother to leave and I want and ask my neighbor for her Wi-Fi password. She was kind enough to let me use her Wi-Fi.

One of the reasons the abuse has gotten so much worse is because my grandmother completely destroyed her house and we didn't know it. We were trying to clean it up but we didn't have time and they gave us an evection notice and now we are being sued for the damages my grandmother left. They have been taking their frustration out on me. My medicine has been stolen over and over again and I can't tell my nurse because I'll get put into a group home with people who have mental illnesses and don't take their meds. there have been reports of people being attacked there and I'm blind and can't defend myself. I know I'm being abused here but it's the evil I know. At least hear there's no chance of me being sexually assaulted again like at the Cleveland clinic.

Today alone on my mother has done is scream at me and tell me I'm worthless and how much life for her would've been better if I had been born. How much she loves my aunt and my cousins more than me. How much easier it's going to be for everyone once I'm gone. I've spent all day in my room crying while they told me this and laughing. I would not let them in my room but that didn't stop them from doing it outside the door. They wanted me to hear. I have always known he hated me and considered me a burden but whenever they get stressed out they take it out on me. Now because of what my grandmother did to her house, we might get sued and obviously we don't have the money. So it's been taken out on me and for two months straight it's just been me at the age of 32 years old being locked in my room all day long. Some days I don't even go down to eat. It has gotten so much worse since my grandmother died and that's why I haven't said anything because I'm so tired of giving bad news and talking about how much my family hurts me.

even worse, my mother seizure condition has gotten worse so I have to listen to her tell me I'm worthless every day and then turn around and take care of her at night. So she doesn't throw up in her sleep or swallow her tongue. I'm barely getting any sleep and it's worse when I don't have my meds because they're being stolen and again, if I report them, I'll get put in a group home with people who could really, really hurt me. my mother has been screaming at me all day and I can tell she starting to have a seizure so I have another long night ahead of me of taking care of the person who told me recently that if I had a heart attack and died. She would be happy. I actually recorded a bunch of stuff my mother said to me, about how I deserve to be beaten when I was a little kid and I recorded her laughing at me when I fell and hurt myself and I uploaded it all to my vineo Account. I password-protected The videos because they are embarrassing and I didn't want anybody but my friends to hear it. The password for all of my password-protected videos is just my name: "dani" without the quotes.

to make matters worse, my health has been declining as well. As my brain sinks down into my spinal cord, I am now myself having seizures. It means I've entered the last stage of my condition. but I have to suffer through my seizures alone. No one will help me so I just collapse alone in my room and wake up whenever it's over by myself and if I say something I get called a liar and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm terrified one day soon I'm going to have a seizure and I'm not gonna wake up and I'm just going to be laying up you're dead for weeks because no one will check on me. It scares me the most for Carly because I don't want him to starve to death because nobody knows to feed or water him because I'm not allowed to do it. The doctor told me I had less than two years to live in June and I've spent the last seven months alone and dealing with this by myself and knowing the end is coming and my life has been completely wasted and I can't do anything about it now without making it worse on myself. I don't want to die in a homeless shelter or being assaulted in a group home, Which my social worker has said there have been reports of in every group home in this area.

I had to stop typing this because my mother came upstairs to pick a fight with me and told me she hates me and she loves my aunt and my cousins more and she doesn't care that they abused me. They are her family and I am not . I'm her worthless burden daughter who does nothing but disappoint her. And I'm going to have to take care of this woman all night to make sure she doesn't swallow her tongue or throw up in the middle of the night. I don't have my medicine. I won't be able to sleep and I haven't eaten today and I'm having my own seizures but I have to take care of my mother because if she doesn't have me she will die in her sleep and it will be all my fault and then that would make me no better than her. I am not my family. I may be a burden and yes, it would've been better if I wasn't born but I'm here now and I'm not going to do to them what they do to me every day. I even put up a video of my mother telling me I deserved to be beaten at the age of three years old because I left the room. It's on my vineo.

do you see why I haven't updated? Nobody should have to sit through my whining and crying about the same old thing again. About a 32-year-old woman who is being abused and letting it happen. I've been waiting six months for a new phone and now the Internet is gone so i've beensk for my neighbors Wi-Fi password and I am praying she doesn't tell my mother she gave that to me. I couldn't ask her not to say anything because that would've drawn too much attention to it and probably would've screwed me over even worse. so I have the Internet again now… Kind of. It's really spotty. But it's better than nothing.

Another reason I didn't want to update is because I know that Monsie and Christina would ask me to move in with them. and I can't with my health declining so much. I cannot ask my friends to literally be my nurses aids. Especially now that I'm having seizures and I've entered stage four. It is going to be much worse later on if I don't want to spend the last few months I have being a burden on me only two people who care about me and don't abuse me. I refuse to do that I will slowly lose my functions and I am not going to be some unholy burden that… I can't even say because it's so embarrassing. Let's just say the symptoms, near the end, we're going to make me lose control of every single one of my functions. if that wasn't the case I would leave in a second because I am getting just so fed up with life but I'm just having thoughts of ending it every day. Not because of the physical pain but because of the mental pain of being told I'm so unloved and worthless and a burden. The mental pain of knowing my life has been a waste and at the end I'm going to die unhappy and alone. Never experiencing love or life of any kind and Diane a complete failure of a human being. I have tried so hard to get away from these fucking people but I can't without hurting myself more. my grandfather is dying now too and I can't even see him. I have no family here because my mother has told every family member that I have left a bunch of lies about me so they think I'm a horrible person too. They don't know that I spend almost every night sitting by my mother's bedside making sure she doesn't die from her seizure, only to be told I'm worthless and hated all day the next day. The only reason I ran for my neighbors Wi-Fi today is because today it has been particularly hard and abusive and it's caused me to have two seizures today alone. I'm so tired of all of this and I'm just ready to die already because there's no point in staying. Last night at 6 AM after I was done with my mommy duty and watching her over her I just laid in bed and cried and raised my arms and screamed out please help me to a God I don't even believe in. yelling out to the ceiling for someone to hold me and tell me I'm not worthless I'm not a burden. To tell me I'm loved. To tell me not to be scared to die because I won't have to die alone and my life hasn't been a waste. But of course my pleas went

unheard. I am so tired of my mother choosing my aunt over me after all I have done for her and I would do anything to get away from her but I'm out of options, especially with no phone and now no Internet except for the spotty Wi-Fi.

So that's why I didn't update. I had no Internet but even if I did, what good would it have done? It's just the same thing every day. I am so alone and so broken and so scared and it's my own fault because of the age of 32 I shouldn't be allowing this to happen. I'm so ashamed of my family, and of myself. if I could find somewhere to go that would take my Medicaid and a doctor would treat me, and it wasn't a homeless shelter or group home and it wasn't where I would be a burden to my friends, I would go in a heartbeat. in a heartbeat. but I can't find a place like that. My aunt stole my great grandmothers rings when I was in the hospital and my mother knows it. It happened years ago but today she brought it up again and said she didn't want to hear me talk about her stealing it because she's sick of me picking on my aunt for little things. Stealing family keepsakes given to me by a family member that died when I was 12 that I deeply loved isn't very little but she said I was a bad person for bringing it up. My aunt isn't bad for stealing it but I'm a bad person for talking about her stealing it and it just got worse from there when she started talking about all the ways she cares more about my aunt than me even though my aunt treats her like shit as well and refuses to help her. Even though she knows I'm the one taking care of her all night long she still packs my aunt over me and all I heard about today is how I'm not part of the family and how everyone has always been sick of me.

Yeah, this whiny shameful update really needed to happen. It's just the same abusive shit that has just gotten so much worse since my grandmother died. I was hoping it would get better but I was completely wrong and completely stupid for even thinking that. Of course it got worse.

And again my mother is now outside the hall so I have to whisper. She's faking a phone call to somebody or she actually is talking to somebody and she's doing it loud enough for me to here so I can hear her telling them all these lies about things I said or did today that I never did or said just because she wants me to suffer because she stressed out and wants to take it out on me.

… It's been 35 minutes since I wrote that last line. I just had another seizure. The stress is literally killing me faster and I don't know what to do. If I tell on them I go to a place that's extremely dangerous and a blind person cannot defend themselves like that. I'd rather be yelled that van raped or beaten, the way people have been in there Group houses that are my only option. I looked up news reports and police reports and they are just not safe so I have to put up with this.

if you can see this or read this, thank you for your friendship because it's the only thing that has kept me going even though I haven't talk to you in months. You are all I think about and you were the only reason I have ever felt loved in my life. without you I would be dying never knowing what love felt like at all so at least you gave me back and for that I am so grateful and I miss you so much. thank you for being my friends. I'm about to go to bed tonight feeling alone and hated by my family. Going to cry myself to sleep wondering why my mother loves my aunt more than me to the point where she's happy that my aunt abused me. It's going to break me and give me nightmares like it does every night. But every morning I wake up and think of you and I hold on and I would give anything to be with you right now if only I would be such a burden. You can try to text my iPad. Hopefully I will get it now that I have Wi-Fi but my phone is completely a no go. I miss you guys so much and I love you so much and I'm so fucking sorry for being a bad friend and for once again doing nothing but whine and complain. I don't deserve you but I'm so glad to have you anyway. I love you.

I love you.

this is the link to my Vimeo Page:

https://vimeo.com/user79298455

although I just noticed that I don’t think the password-protected videos are listed so I have to post each link one by one down here. I’m not asking anyone to listen to all of them. Or even one of them. I just put them up here so I can document the way my mother treats me so people know I’m not making it up or lying when I say my mothers abusive. The password to each video is the same one: dani

Deserved to be beaten

https://vimeo.com/300103444

Mental and physical

https://vimeo.com/300103444

when they abuse me, it’s to protect my feelings

https://vimeo.com/297632955

worthless

https://vimeo.com/270006846

nervous breakdown

https://vimeo.com/266402098

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thesoutherngems · 3 years

Text

Short Stories

“FIGHT YOUR DESTINY”

By: Jewell Delos Santos

June 9, 2021

If breaking the destiny is equivalent to a few days to be with you. I can handle everything just to be with you. How will Marissa deal with the visions she sees in her mind and problems she will face? Will she deal with it or just ignore it? What if she saw in a vision his own daughter, what would she do?

Marissa grew up in a well off family. Even though it is overflowing with love from their parents, it still bothers her that she has the ability to see the future, dream visions often come true in a reality. It gives a warning or just a simple event in another person’s life. When her parents died because of the accident at the beach, she was deeply sad and regretted what happened because she could not stop it. She had already seen it in her vision but she just ignored it.

(Three year passed)

In the province of Laguna, Marissa and Gabriel live their lives simple and happy. Lisa is the only child of Marissa and Gabriel. When Marissa’s parents died, her parent’s property in Manila they decided to sell it and used to start their life in Laguna.

(MARISSA POV)

Marissa: Gabriel, Lisa come here to the dining table, the food is ready so we can start to eat.

Lisa: (Smell the dish) it smells like good MA, for sure I enjoy eating again. (Lisa says happily)

Gabriel: Gosh daughter, there's nothing wrong with you when it comes to food, especially if your mom cooked it.

(Gabriel's face shows the pain he's dealing with; he knows in himself that he won't last long here on earth.)

Lisa: Dad, you're really mean to me (Pout but he also suddenly smiled at his father)

(When they finished eating, Lisa volunteered to wash the plates. Meanwhile, the couple went straight to their room to rest.)

Gabriel: Labs, we know that I will die soon. Especially since this is also what you see in your vision. If I get lost here, don't forget me and don't leave our daughter. You will always remember that if I die, you are the only woman I will love. Even if I lose our child next to you but in your heart I will stay, I will always watch you from afar.

Marissa: Mahal stop it, you said you will fight cancer, we can overcome it, so you need to be strong for us for our child. You are strong, I know you will not give up. What I see in my vision maybe I was just mistaken. We can still be together for a long time, you can still monitor our child's puberty, stop talking like that.

(The couple's conversation became emotional, but Marissa knew that everything her husband said was right.)

A year later, Gabriel's illness worsened. They accumulated and Marissa's inheritance from her parents was exhausted. Not long after, Gabriel passed away. It was painful for the mother and daughter that Gabriel had left them.

Marissa raised their daughter Lisa, who is now fifteen years old on her own. By working in the market, she has to pay for it every day and she is able to study with Lisa. Even if they go through the hardships of life. They don’t give up on life but it became his strength to face the trials and the problems.

(She saw another vision in her dream, a vision she did not know if she could handle it.)

Marissa: Lisa, you will take care of this house first, after all, it's Saturday, do your activity and assignment so that you don't have to worry about passing it. Be careful here Lisa, call me when you need something.

Lisa: I'm just here at home, but thank you for reminding me. You have to be careful of your work mom.

Marissa: By the way, your aunt Anna is going to come here to the house, she's the one who takes care of you. In the meantime, she will stay here with us so that when I am in the market, you can have someone with you.

Lisa: go ahead mom, be careful I love you (kisses her mom's cheek)

Marissa leaves but the vision she saw does not disappear from her mind, she is very afraid of what will happen. A few days passed and Marissa's vision came true. Lisa's illness was slowly showing signs so she was rushed to the hospital when she suddenly lost consciousness in their home.

(Marissa's mind goes blank as she arrives at the hospital from the market.)

Marissa: Anna what happened to Lisa, what did the doctor say? Where is he now? Anna, you answered. (I can see the fear on Marissa's face)

Anna: Ate, she's in the emergency room right now, there's still no updates because until now the doctor hasn't come out yet.

(They remain silent and wait for the doctor to come out)

Marissa: (Marissa quickly stood up when she saw the doctor) doc how is my daughter? What is her condition?

Doctor: I will tell you that your child is not okay. He needs to have surgery as soon as possible to prevent the cancer cells from spreading in his body. For now, she will be moved to the bedroom first.

Marissa: All right, doc, do everything for my child. Thank you.

She is facing her child who is currently sleeping. Her dream vision is slowly happening. She didn't think it would come true. She turns her mind to how to pay for Lisa's hospital expenses and medications. She, earning from working in the market and the help of her relatives, would not be enough. She just had a headache. She rested for a while next to her child. When she woke up, she was confused and sweaty and fainted.

Vision: Marissa saw the child lying on the hospital bed, weak and could see in her eyes the pain and tiredness she felt. She approached the child who raised her hand, she kissed him firmly on the forehead at the same time, and the flow of tears in her eyes. She walked away from the child for a moment and saw the change in its facial expression. At the point where the child's hands fell from her grip, a mother could hear the sound of a straight line on the machine standing on the side of the bed. Signs that his daughter Lisa is dead.

Marissa: Anna, can you take care Lisa, I'll just talk to our neighbor Eva.

Anna: Sure, why do you need to talk to Eva?

Marissa: Eva offered me a job and I will accept it to pay our bill here.

(Marissa has already left and she goes to Eva's house)

Marissa: Hello, Eva, how are you?

Eva: oh Marissa why, what are you doing here?

Marissa: About the job you mentioned to me, can I still do it? There is a real need for Lisa's expenses.

Eva: Of course maybe that's it? Exactly the other day I will go out of Manila again and again, if you are sure you will come with me.

Marissa: Thank you so much Eva for the job you offered to me. I will be coming back to the hospital to say goodbye to Lisa first. (She says with a smile but there are traces in her eyes of sadness and fear that she will be separated from her child.)

(Marissa doesn't know the job she's going to get is an entertainment house)

(Day of Marissa and Eva's departure to Manila)

Marissa: Lisa, I'm leaving, will you be stronger? Get well. Your aunt Anna will be the first to be with you here but every Saturday and Sunday I will go there and take care of you. The ones I told you to follow, always listen to what your aunt says. (Reaches the sketch pad) Here I bought you because I know you love to draw, so you don't bore here in the hospital.

Lisa: Thank you ma careful in Manila, I will miss you. (Kisses his mother's forehead) Bye ma i love you po.

She didn't expect that the job waiting for her in Manila was just an entertainment house. She tried to eat her own dignity to cover Lisa's medical expenses and hospital bills

Almost two years ago, Marissa got used to her job even though it hurt her that this is the job she just accepted for her child.

Lisa was released from the hospital, they only went there on the day of her checkup and therapy. Everyday Marissa calls her child just to check and to say hello to her daughter. Lisa's hobby was drawing, that's all she did in their house.

Lisa is alone in their house, while she is alone Lisa thinks about her condition. Lisa said to herself, I'm only seventeen years old but am I experiencing this sickness? I became a kind child, obedient to my mother. Why me? Why do I need more? There are so many bad people in this world but why me, why do I suffer from this kind of disease? I want to live a long time but I'm too weak, so I will be able to leave me. Please prolong my life. I don't want mama to be alone here, I know she will be hurt when I die.

(Lisa cries when she suddenly faints, Anna comes out to call her for lunch Lisa, shocked when she sees Lisa lying unconscious)

Anna was shouting to help them to take Lisa to the hospital. Their neighbor came out and helped Anna take Lisa to the hospital. She also immediately called her sister Marissa to tell her what had happened to Lisa. But when they got to the hospital Liza died because she was sick.

(Two weeks ago when Lisa died, until now her mother could not accept her passing. For the second time, her loved one died again.)

(While Marisa was arranging the bereaved child's belongings, she saw a sketch pad under the pillow of Lisa's bed. She looked at her daughter's drawings when she saw a letter.)

(Lisa Voice Over)

Hi Ma, I know when you read this letter I’m with papa here paradise. Don't blame yourself for losing Papa and me, you don't want to see the consequences in your vision. I know you're in so much pain right now. Even if we lose your side, here we are looking at you from afar. Request to heal the pain you are feeling right now. First of all, thank you so much for raising me, taking care of me and loving me. You have been my partner and guide in my trials and problems. I will never forget the times when I was weak and you were there by my side ready to help. Thank you for sacrificing yourself to work at the club for my hospitalization and treatment. Yes, you're not mistaken for wet, I know that's how you work and I'm not ashamed of you but I'm grateful. Maybe you're wondering how I found out, the night you and Aunt Anna were talking about your work I heard your conversation. I'm sorry, I left you right away, I fought back, I tried to cope with all the therapy that was done to me, but my body couldn't handle it anymore. My body gave up. I know that the time will also come when papa and I will be together and at that time there will be nothing to separate the three of us. You always take care of yourself, you always take care, I love you so much mama. Until again.

~ Love Lisa

After reading the letter written by Lisa, Marissa was groaning in tears.

After a year.

Carrying the child's drawing, along with the sister, Marissa went to the cemetery visit of her husband and child. They decide to celebrate in the cemetery for Lisa’s eighteenth birthday. She did not regret that she had done the job and never thought of doing it, working at a nightclub, because she doing it for her lovely daughter.

THE END

#shortstories #thesoutherngems

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