#causes me physical pain tbqh

[meowmeowmessi]

looking at comps of messi's copa america campaign makes me feel so depressed man.. that was, what, 18 months ago? how did he lose so much of his pace in that time..

#lowkey wonder if it's bc of covid.. sure age is a factor but surely it can't jump on you /that/ suddenly right?? #he was taking the defenders out on a spin in the copa america matches.. watching uber eats league defenders catching up to him #causes me physical pain tbqh #also the fucking hair bc ofc. HE LOOKS SO YOUNG IN THE COPA AMERICA GAMES FFS SHAVE AND GROW OUT YOUR HAIR PESSI

[pretty-little-martyr]

hi I'm sorry if this is. idk awkward but I saw your tags on that post about changing how people talk about getting gynecologic care and you might want to look into vaginismus. It's a condition that causes those muscles to tighten up often very painfully anytime any sort of penetration is attempted. Physical therapy, dilators and muscles relaxers can help but ofc its something that should be discussed with a doctor to make sure you're getting the correct treatment. ALSO! You can request laughing gas for pap smears and other invasive gyno procedures. It is something they do. Usually if you tell them any insertion at all is extremely painful it'll be offered but if not you can ask for it. Some places might be able to do full sedation but I think that'd just depend on the facilities since that would require an anesthesiologist as well

and also vaginismus is like extremely super common (iirc at least 20% of people with vaginas experience it at some point in their lives) the problem is just that nobody talks about it because well. Society. this is not something abnormal or wrong with you in a bad way, it's just a medical condition that you happen to have and need accommodations for. if that helps at all

hey thank you for reaching out fr, it's not weird at all! ive been trying to figure out if it's that or just general "pelvic floor problems" whatever that entails. im getting HRT/gender care from Planned Parenthood these days, and they have told me i would Have to get another exam/smear next year (which i am terrified about tbqh) and they've mentioned they'd give me something or other to help, probably laughing gas like you've said (which ive never actually had).

i did tell that gyno that i'd never put anything in me and that even tampons were horribly painful, and their reaction was to act like i was crazy and lying and that never happens to anybody lmao the woman literally stared at me as if she was waiting for me to say 'haha just kidding' and asked me like 3 times over if i was sure i was a virgin at my big age (21 at the time). even after i was crying and bleeding and having a panic attack they were incredibly apathetic towards me. so! yeah. to be quite honest i'm not interested in dilators or physical therapy--not to knock them, i just want my whole shit removed, so why put in that effort and (probably) gain new trauma from putting things in me, yknow? the mere concept kinda makes me ill. im considering looking into surgery sometime soon-ish. my family might lose their shit about it, but, i dont think they can stop me now that i live by myself, and unless their insurance blocks it, i should be good to go on that.

anyway. id be so down to get fully sedated for it. put me under for like 30 minutes to get all that shit done and i dont have to be present for it or acknowledge it at all thanks. also might help in general, if the muscle tightening is something semi-voluntary/if that even is my issue. ive also considered if i just have a very small hole. i think thats referred to as a neovagina? i dunno.

i really appreciate these asks <3 very kind of you and. somehow i did not really register the potential of asking a different doctor about their thoughts on it i guess ASDFGHJK i just sort of. the initial event was traumatizing enough i still sometimes have nightmares, which is super dope, and remembering it too hard makes me feel very violated, so really i try not to talk about it so much. i was super fucking stoned last night, is probably why i even left those tags jhgvbhnjkm.

tldr thank you for your kindness and i am really hoping my next exam will feature me either Unconscious or Off My Ass On Laughing Gas Or Something. if theres some chance i HAVE to keep my equipment rather than getting surgery i may genuinely look into therapies just for my own convenience but beyond that i just really ... really do not want any items up in there.

#sorry if this is super rambly ive had a HELL of a day. i have an awful headache rn and am just trying to be coherent jihuygbvuhj #i left this sitting for the day cause i was too busy to give it a proper response but i did not want to wait so long that i forgor about it #anyways. there was also so much malpractice at that gyno office its insane #i had a horrible reaction to a birth control and they could not have given fewer shits about it #i got a blood test there once and the woman administering it was like 'im bad at these haha' and then proceeded to #1- miss my vein 2- not re-try it and 3- instead squeeze my arm like a go-gurt tube to force blood into the needle. i nearly passed out #i probably had enough shit there for a lawsuit but my mom gaslit me into thinking it was all my fault somehow

[feretra]

#1) now that i'm home, i'm going to sit down and try to work on some of my replies/drafts. i have some that have been in there for awhile as i've been trying to give them the quality replies they deserve and have been struggling with (either because of my own physical limitations or because i had limited time frames.) as of right now i have a few hours in front of me with absolutely nothing distracting me, so let's get busy!

#2) i took the entirety of may off with regards to my knitting/weaving/other hobbies that occupy my time off tumblr, only to learn that taking time off my hobbies will not make the chronic pain go away. ironic. this is entirely due to the doctors being wrong about what was causing the pain in the first place, and taking that month off probably just made the whole situation worse. so, nose to the grindstone and we're back, baby.

which brings me to the actual point of #2 here: i want to make some fun dragon age themed knit stuff? i'll probably have to make my own patterns -- i don't think there's much out there (there's the official fen'harel scarf, which i can just look at and know how to make it... the joys of hours worth of wanting to die learning colorwork) -- but i have a lot of colorways that are very evocative of certain characters so it would make sense to destash my collection in this way. i naturally gravitate to a palette that i tend to associate to solas (if you look at his tarot card in particular, like... that's half my yarn stash's colorways right there tbqh), but there's quite a few others that i have been able to pull out skeins and associate them to characters. cullen, sera, josephine and leliana. and that's just with easy observation, because i have... a lot of yarn. honestly, it's a problem.

so, what i'm asking is: is there anything you would want to see? because it'd be fun to work with other people's expectations?

#ooc

[newbornwhumperfly]

What would Morja think of each of the Jewels + the Jeweler (you don't have to do them all if you don't want to!)? 👉👈

ahhh, thx for asking this @whump-me-all-night-long! <333

~

morja would be as stoic as a stone and try to blend into the background whenever the jeweler was around. jeweler’s psychological incisiveness would worry him and he’d try extra hard not to show any weakness or flaws (or vulnerability) around him. 

however, morja would also be drawn in by the jeweler’s manipulative kindness in spite of himself & if jeweler showed him enough attention and warmth (however false), morja would be extremely grateful and surprised - especially since jeweler is hard to please. the jeweler could probably control him with praise paired with achievable goals but would also frighten morja with perceiving him so deeply. 

i think morja would admire how dedicated and dutiful diamond is to their role as a jewel. i think they’d bond over a mutual fear of not being Good Enough - he’d see how hard they try and feel quietly proud of them for staying strong on their course. he’d really understand their behavior and want to reassure them they were being good. 

morja would be...very intimidated by emerald’s size at first (big man scary) and initially be very quiet and deferential whenever emerald turned his attention on morja. but he’d be soothed by emerald’s gentle warmth and admire the way he protects people even at risk to himself, even though he’d think it wasn’t a wise move he also what it means to sacrifice. he’d still keep a bit of a careful eye on emerald’s body language when physically close. 

morja would try to avoid amethyst as much as possible, mostly feeling foolish and out-of-place in her presence. he wouldn’t know how to respond to her scorn, except to endure it silently. he’d be ... a little envious of the seeming effortlessness of her allure and obedience. he’d see her as someone who might enjoy seeing him fail, so i think he’d be mostly wary of her and try to be perfect around her lest she tell on him. he’d also maybe wonder if her beauty attracts...unwanted attentions and feel a distant sympathy there. 

morja would be very sympathetic to ruby and feel protective of her. he’d be very distressed by seeing how her best efforts fall short of the standard she needs to hit, so he wouldn’t be able to be around her much without getting deeply anxious - both at her helpless situation and at the reminder he must never slip up to remain useful. all in all, he’d be very sad for her and wish things were different and secretly hope the jeweler shows her mercy.

i think morja would have....radically polarizing feelings about sapphire, tbqh? like, morja would be instinctively afraid and anxious at sapphire’s blatant defiance and be surprised at his unwillingness to make things easier by obeying. on the other hand ... morja would secretly be kind of in awe of sapphire’s fierce hold on his personality and fire even after so many years of brutality, managing to stay alive while not breaking is...puzzling to morja and frightens him in a way he doesn’t quite understand. he’d avoid sapphire more than anyone else. 

sapphire...actually reminds morja a little of someone who was important to him...someone who kept a spark, bright and burning, even in such darkness.

amber’s defiance would activate morja’s defensive instincts immediately. ever ingrained impulse towards obedience would recoil at amber’s hostility to their owner. he’d hope they accept their situation quickly to avoid as much pain as possible, trying to give them a wide berth in the meanwhile. he’d help them in efforts to obey if they started doing that though, cause he doesn't want them to be hurt. 

morja would see carnelian as someone with a lot of...potential, in different ways. on the one hand, he has it in him to be a perfect jewel if he puts the work in but the fact that he won’t would frustrate morja. however, the way carn is consistently sweet to wounded people - despite his defiance to the jeweler - compels morja’s admiration in much the same way sapphire does. morja would be less wary of carnelian than of sapphire, would likely be deeply affected by any praise of warmth from him. 

~

this was so fun!!!! i literally love all your characters so much, so i kinda got carried away here, haha xppp 

#oh gosh this is so long but i loved doing it! #morja #my writing #asks #the jewelry box #whump-me-all-night-long #whump #whumpee #whumper #angst #conditioned whumpee #obedience

[majesticlolipop]

Since this is now primarily my rant refuge hi hello it is me on a rant

I'm so glad I took some time out. Tbh I was kinda force too, I was crumbling under the pressure to work when my body is sick (I've passed huge blood clots with my endo and cant eat anything so I've lost weight). The pandemic stuff is really hard cos I'm so high risk. It's also sucky cos like all my loved ones are autoimmune??? So they're all high risk??? And its like YAY for having friends and partners who are so bloody understanding but oh fuck there is just too many people I could lose and that's terrifying. I'm also just mentally exhausted. I was mandated time off physically so I cant work on commissions and it's only this week that the severity of my chest pain stopped, meaning hi hello my insane amount of panic attacks caused severe chest pains so probably a sign I need to take some more time off. I feel bad for distancing emotionally tbh. But the chest pains ontop of everything else showed me I cant be letting any more stress in cos I'm already in severe stress, so I'm legit just. Talking to my best friend and my girlfriend and my mam regularly and then when i can catching up with everyone else. Its just too much for me right now tbqh.

Also like I'm alone I'm living alone and my one kinda thing that kept me going was seeing my sister but I wont see her for the next 8 weeks or so and that's. Horrible. Probably wont see her on my birthday and wont see my mam on hers and I'm lonely. I'm an introvert by nature I like living alone but this is too much. I've been in quarantine for a month but since last week I've had no visitors. My mam who's technically my carer comes twice a week to give me food and to make sure I've heating and goes to put money in my bank and stuff and she keeps me stocked with antiseptic stuff but I am lonely as all hell and terrified all the time and my only refuge, drawing, is too hard right now.

What's worse is I had a ptsd episode recently, told my friend, who now isnt speaking to me for other reasons, and idk who else to open up about this stuff with cos it's really dark. I mentioned it a little to my mam but she doesnt know the details (I cant tell her the details as it's to do with my dad) and shes been trying to keep an eye on my mental health and make sure I'm okay. I mean shes the one forcing me not to draw for a few weeks and tbh shes right. I'm like literally broken rn.

Anyway when I am better keep an eye on my art cos I've some really nice commissions coming up xoxo

#rant #personal #tw mental health #tw panic attack

[bthump]

Thx 4 your compelling answer! You made me curious about what do you think Guts and Griffith would be like as a couple, how do you imagine their dynamic would develop and grow. Not super chill I agree lmao but it's very interesting given their respective baggages. And kind of unrelated but I was soo mad that Casca insisted Guts to leave the 2nd time even when Guts was like: HEY I WANNA STAY FOR REAL. But Griffith never knew that. Hurts but that's the kind of element that makes for a great tragedy

ikr! Man that scene where Griffith overhears them is so painful. Like it makes sense that Casca would tell Guts to leave imo for a few reasons (mainly because Guts successfully convinced her after they had sex that it was what he ~really truly wanted~ lol, and also I think there’s some interesting selfishness on her part there too) but man, it’s tragic.

Anyway back at you, thanks for the interesting questions. lol idk where to start with this one really because like, there’s so much to potentially say, and so many potential ways for their relationship to go, like I don’t really have One True Concept of their relationship, there are so many possibilities and options.

Holy shit this got ridiculously long lol, sorry. I just used the opportunity to throw out like as many of my griffguts opinions as I could reasonably fit lmao.

I guess there are a few things that I tend to stick to when I’m imagining them together in like a Golden Age AU where everything worked out, tho ofc none of this is set in stone.

Like, if this is an AU without the whole overheard Promrose Hall speech that changes everything, I tend to think Guts is more likely to make the first move. Like say Guts didn’t hear the speech but still fell off the cliff with Casca and got her monologue, and without his feelings of inadequacy clouding his understanding he actually starts to get it, like, I pretty much think Guts would’ve kissed him during Tombstone of Flame 2. Griffith being openly afraid of Guts’ judgement -> Guts impulsively demonstrating exactly how he really feels about him.

But also just in general I think Guts is more likely to act on his feelings without thinking about potential consequences or how it could’ve gone wrong until afterwards, so I can imagine a lot of scenarios where he’d make the first move. Whereas even if Griffith did figure out how he feels and what he wants, it’s harder for me to see him going for it. On the one hand yeah he does have that “I must obtain what I desire” attitude, on the other hand what he wants is for Guts to love and want him, and he’d know that, and he’d know that kissing Guts is not necessarily going to get him that, and might end up ruining everything he does have.

Like, dude has a major fear of rejection.

But I guess I could see him also impulsively going for it in a more extreme moment - like the way his mind shuts off and he runs to save Guts from Zodd, I could imagine a thank god you’re alive type kiss, eg. But imo he’d need more of a push than Guts would.

And yeah I think both of their respective traumas would affect things, but I’d prefer to delay that a bit? I want them to have a good positive sexual encounter before they start sorting through all their issues together, basically so they have proof that it’s worth persisting lol, and I think that’s pretty easy to manage. Like, they start making out and end up jerking each other off and no one has any flashbacks, easy peasy.

I could see them getting past a bad first time, but it wouldn’t be easy lol. Like first off they’re both overly likely to take it as a personal condemnation, even if logically that’s not how trauma works, because they both hate themselves, and they both canonically have a fear of being monstrous/predatory. Griffith asking if Guts thinks he’s cruel and tbqh most of his speech to the King in the dungeon is indicative of this imo, and Guts seeing himself as a monster after killing Adonis and also in canon flashbacking from his rapist’s perspective.

And yk, if they do start having sex without immediate issues, I imagine the first problem that would come up sooner rather than later would be Guts flashbacking. I tend to assume he would be upfront about not wanting to get fucked without saying why, and Griffith would be fine with that, and then Guts would still eventually have a flashback while topping and it would take him by surprise like in canon. I could see Guts reacting basically the exact same way he did with Casca, rambly confessional and all, and I think Griffith would be supportive and comforting and understanding in the immediate aftermath. Hopefully Guts would make it very clear that it had nothing to do with anything Griffith did or anything about him and he still wants to get laid on the regular, because otherwise I could see something stupid happening afterwards like Griffith withdrawing out of fear of his potential to Guts and Guts blaming himself for making things weird and neither of them talking about it until something gives.

Anyway if they do successfully navigate that, the next problem would be more insidious, and it would be Griffith, and the way he views sex as transactional. Like when I say Griffith would be fine with never topping, I think that holds true entirely regardless of what Griffith might actually want personally from a sexual encounter. He’d let Guts fuck him even if he hated it, because what he wants is the emotional closeness and Guts needing him and wanting him. I think he actually would want sex with Guts for its own sake and enjoy it, like he’s attracted to Guts and he wants him and I def don’t think he would hate it in any way. Buuut I see him as very detached from his own physical desires, yk? Dude has never had sex because he wanted to have sex, even the evil personification of his inner darkness didn’t lol.

And along with that you could have the additional problem of enjoying sex with a man being another potential source of self-loathing for him. I’m thinking because of ‘am I dirty?” in the river, and again the scene in the dungeon w/ the King lends itself to this really well too. Like it’s so easy to read internalized homophobia into his narrative imo, even the entire structure of it, with Charlotte and the dream on one side and Guts on the other.

And basically I think those issues would combine to make him see sex as something he gives in return for Guts’ love/loyalty/presence, and avoid seeing it as something he personally wants. So like basically I think in a way he’d use that transactional framework as a justification for doing something he really really wants to do (sex with Guts) but that he doesn’t want to acknowledge he wants because it makes him hate himself because a) internalized homophobia and also b) deep down he knows he wants Guts more than the dream which also makes him feel guilty.

Also like, when it comes to Griffith and his issues I don’t think any of this is required, like canonically we know Guts’ csa trauma affects him but we don’t really know how Griffith’s csa trauma affects him. I wouldn’t see it as out of character if he was ultimately fine with his desire for Guts and doesn’t contribute any issues to the griffguts sex life. But it’s really really easy to see how he could have a metric ton of issues with sex to work through, and I think those would be really interesting to explore, basically.

Plus I don’t necessarily think this would actually… matter? Like I could easily see Griffith never giving Guts any cause for concern, they never talk about this, Griffith himself barely notices that he’s got a messed up attitude towards sex, and eventually he just internally works through it himself as his relationship with Guts progresses and he gets more comfortable with wanting Guts and wanting sex for its own sake and he achieves his dream regardless of his emotional priorities, etc. Like this could all easily work itself out in Griffith’s subconscious without any external drama lol. (Tho if Guts ever picked up on this it would def fuck him up and the fallout would be big.)

ANYWAY so that’s all the trauma stuff I could see influencing their relationship.

Overall I think there’d be way more good than bad. They’re perfect for each other. Griffith wants Guts to know him and see all the stuff he hates about himself and want him anyway, and Guts would absolutely do that, and demonstrate it thoroughly, and it would do wonders for Griffith’s self-acceptance. Guts wants Griffith to pay attention to him, to love him and respect him and look at him, and being in a relationship with him would give him everything he wants. The way Griffith looks at him after they kiss or while they’re fucking or whatever, like he’s the only thing in the world, would be the highlight of Guts’ life. Guts fucking Griffith like he needs him, or making love to him with reverence, or demonstrating casual closeness and affection, would be the highlight of Griffith’s.

I think Charlotte and the dream would be a bit of an issue for Guts, like I could see him being jealous, but I could also see him being totally able to see Charlotte as business and himself as the person Griffith wants. The fact that they’re fucking behind Charlotte’s back would itself be probably enough proof of how much Griffith wants him and is willing to risk for him to make Guts feel secure. Like basically I could see jealous insecure Guts telling Griffith they should break it off because the risk to his dream is too much and Griffith refusing out of hand, and that being a big moment for Guts and his feelings of security in their relationship.

Eventually I think the most satisfying direction their relationship could go would be Griffith decisively choosing Guts over the dream and having grown enough in their years together that he’s able to live with that choice and be happy with Guts instead of a big exaggerated dream lol. As far as I’m concerned that’s the secret Berserk happy ending that they never got a chance to get to, but is wholly telegraphed by the story as something that could’ve happened if everything hadn’t gone wrong.

Hmm what else. Random details I guess: I think they’d start out with Guts exclusively topping when they have penetrative sex but Guts would absolutely eventually want Griffith to fuck him imo, and their first time switching it up would be pretty emotionally intense but extremely good and positive. They’d be really close and trusting and more effectively communicative by then, and it would work great and Guts would bask in the attention as Griffith v thoroughly makes love to him.

Also when Griffith achieves his dream and runs Midland they would both be extremely into Guts getting a little possessive and staking his claim on him, like by fucking him hard enough that he can feel it throughout the next day, or scratches/bruises under clothes, etc. Nothing super kinky, I think they’re both pretty vanilla lol, but Guts would love knowing Griffith is being constantly reminded of him while he’s at meetings with nobles or w/e and Griffith would love that lingering reminder.

I think at some point early on they’d have to have a talk in which Guts asserts that he wants to stay with Griffith and the Hawks and doesn’t feel obligated because he lost a fight when they were 15. I could see that thought eating away at Griffith for a while if they don’t. Also because the question of whether they’re equals or not is kind of hammered in in canon I think they’d have to navigate around Griffith technically being Guts’ commander. I don’t think Guts would think twice about it (again assuming he hasn’t heard the Promrose Hall speech) but Griffith would worry, especially given exchanges like “that’s why I’m asking you to do this” “just order me to do it” lol. So they’d have to at least talk about that.

Or conversely they could not talk about Guts potentially feeling obligated and it could blow up in their faces and lead to miscommunication drama. I mean there are so many potential ways they could fuck things up by not talking and assuming the worst at the first sign of an issue lmao, it’s like, you want relationship drama just take your pick.

Also relatedly, I think this is a little bit of an unpopular opinion, at least judging by most of the griffguts fic I’ve read lol, but I really don’t see Griffith as likely to behave possessively at all, unless he thinks Guts is about to leave him and is like next to having a breakdown about it, and even then… idk. I think the second duel was extremely atypical - Griffith defaulted to trying to fight Guts for his loyalty because that’s how he won his loyalty the first time and it was the only way Griffith saw to keep his loyalty, he was extremely out of his depth emotionally lol, and I think there’s some big indications that he hated himself for it afterwards.

He wants Guts to want him, to choose to be with him of his own desire, he wants Guts to love him. I think he would abhor the thought that Guts was obligated to stay with him in any way, and any indications of that would freak him out and add to his self loathing. So he wouldn’t tell Guts “you’re mine” as part of sexy foreplay or whatever, and he wouldn’t order him to do shit lol (along with this like I don’t think Griff is dominant at all, and trying to be with someone he loves would fuck him up).

I think the biggest problem for both of them would be a tendency to assume the worst and just blame themselves for whatever instead of talking. But I also think the longer they’re in a relationship the better they’ll get at not doing that and at constructive positive communication lol.

Like at the end of the day again I think there’d be way more positives than negatives. We’re shown how perfectly they fulfill each others’ needs. Guts wants attention, Griffith wants acceptance, they both want to be loved, and before the misunderstandings get in the way and fuck it all up their relationship benefits both and starts helping both heal emotionally. If they stayed together and added romance and sex to the mix I think overall they’d be pretty ideal partners.

Ooookay I think I’ve talked more than enough about this lmao. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to just ramble for ages about a bunch of griffguts stuff. Honestly if anyone reads through this to the end I’ll be slightly surprised lol.

#Anonymous #griffguts #berserk #a #b #headcanons #character thoughts #canon divergence #ship: griffguts

[sybilius]

Backstory, Faulkner, O'Connor [:

Backstory - how did you come to love writing?

Oh, that’s tricky. If we’re talking about writing just -- as a thing to do, I’d say that goes back to these little outdoor trips we used to take in a ‘gifted kids’ class I was part of. They’d take us out to this conservation area in town and we’d sit for a while and write poetry. I always really loved that. And I was a big reader growing up so of course -- I loved stories.

If we’re talking about the actual regular practice of writing, which for me is writing fanfiction -- well, I’d say that started because I had some pretty gutting things happening to friends of mine in my personal life. Fanfiction was something that made me feel things apart from those, yet wasn’t weighted with the self-productization/achievement heaviness I was being bogged down with in enjoying things that are related to my field. It was just something I did for me, to help me process or just to escape. That’s a valuable thing. 

Falkner - what tropes do you love writing? Which are your guilty pleasure?

Hmm, I’ve been thinking a lot about ‘meaningfully provided hot liquids’ lately which is a real theme in my writing (I’ve in the past ascribed it to ‘coffee’ or ‘awkward breakfast scenes’ but tbqh nothing does it for me like someone clumsily trying to achieve a gesture of quiet comfort and caring quite like making a hot drink for person of affections (romantic or otherwise). 

I love love noir heros, they’re probably my guilty pleasure. Adore that “I’m going to shake off everything I ever cared about in these last few cigarettes, who gives a damn really, not me (especially me)”. 

I get a visceral satisfaction from writing particularly out-there pornos? It’s hard to put an exact trope on this though, just rather a feeling of “gheeeheheheheh no one else is going to do this except MOI”. So like, of fallen fruit and the reaper’s nectar would count as this, and then also in the sympathetic flesh, among other things. 

O’Connor - what tropes do you dislike writing?

This is a tricky one too cause like -- I write for me so I just don’t write things I don’t like, usually? I have in the past had difficulty with “drunk confession scene” as a trope, but I’ve also most recently had fun with it as well. I avoid praise kink like the plague for a number of reasons, could probably never see myself doing an omegaverse or soulmate au. 

Physical whump can be a dicey one for me, and though I like reading a good emotional whump I sometimes find it hard to write, depending on the premise. If characters are being hurt by those closest to them; those they have given their trust freely to, I find that really hard to write. I’m not sure if ‘dislike’ is the right word there, because sometimes it’s what the story needs. But for sure I find it painful. 

#my fic asks #anon #thanks! #asks

[sadpeopledancing]

Tag Game

Rules: Tag ten mutuals you want to know better.

i was tagged by @apopstarontheradio (thank you, lovely!!)

Name: esphir

Star sign: pisces

Height: 1,71 m

Put your iTunes (or Spotify) on shuffle. What are the first 4 songs that popped up?

1. help me lose my mind - disclosure, london grammar

2. obvs - jamie xx

3. isolation - joy division

4. miserable america - kevin abstract

Ever had a poem or song written about you?

not that i’m aware of at least! usually i’m the one who writes about other people cus i get caught in my feelings a lot and i like poetry and then it’s too late and i’m on my second bottle of wine and allen ginsberg’s style unfinished poem on my phone

When was the last time you played guitar?

about a year ago at my best friend’s party when a completely smashed me tried to remember how to play all apologies (yes, i’m an alcoholic)

Who is your celebrity crush?

who isn’t my celebrity crush i’ve been calling kristen stewart my wife since 2008 so i guess she’s my main mvp but also nick grimshaw is the loml, king princess, frances bean, yuri pleskun, adore delano so basically what i’m trying to say is that i’m a raging bisexual

What’s a sound you hate + a sound you love?

living in manchester by the police station made me hate police/ambulance siren with all of my being cus that’s literally the only thing you hear here

i love the sound of thunderstorms! and sometimes i fall in love with people’s voice (like when you want to listen to them harry talk forever) because they make you feel safe

Do you believe in ghosts?

i don’t believe in ghosts per se; i believe in energy. that when someone dies they leave their energy here, be it in their favorite places (like you know when you’re somewhere which meant a lot to that person and you can just feel them?? that sort of thing) or things. or even in general. ghosts are usually considered to be something “creepy” but for me that energy doesn’t have a physical form. it’s more like.. a feeling. that you can feel them near. energy never truly dies.

How about aliens?

for sure. i love reading and learning about the universe and everything we’ve discovered so far but there’s still so much to unravel and thinking that we are the only ones out there is silly. we don’t even matter that much in the grand scheme of things tbqh (also wouldn’t it be a bit sad if in the universe of billions and billions galaxies we were all alone? like completely utterly alone? that’s not a blessing, that’s a curse)

Do you drive?

no and i don’t really want to. i think it’s just too much responsibility and my anxiety disorder doesn’t ever let me rest

What was the last book you read?

in utero by gillian g. gaar. it’s a small but wonderful book giving the full story behind the recording process of nirvana’s in utero so i would highly recommend it to whoever is interested!

Do you like the smell of gasoline?

i actually can’t recall the smell but i like the smell of sharpies so i reckon i could be into gasoline as well (that sounded less weird in my head i’m sorry)

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

i had both of my arms broken many years ago and managed to drop a pan with boiling water onto my leg burning off the entire front of my thigh so pain/healing process wise they were both on the same level

Do you have any obsessions right now?

strangely enough i don’t think i do. yeah this is mostly a harry/nick blog but loving them is like a part of me already cause it’s been so long. i am however really into self-growth lately? like getting my shit together and being better mentally? like loving myself and all that nonsense? idk if that counts

Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

i used to but i try to forgive people and be more patient if i really care about them. however, it took me a really long time to learn how to let people go when you know that it won’t work out

In a relationship?

nope

#shsjsjsj what is this im so SORRY #i havent done one in ages cus i only came back on tumblr like a couple of months ago i dont even know who im mutuals with anymore #sara youre an angel thank you!! #i also tag anyone who sees this and can be arsed to answer #and if you read all of this youre officially my new friend i dont make the rules #personal #ask

[heyitslapis]

Ok let's see... its been about 3 weeks since i posted last, give or take a few days. And I'll just say its been an interesting and exhausting few weeks.

Still trying to completely get over my dumbf*ck feelings for Alex. I'm not really doing a super great job at that, and still get random depressive moments that last a varying amount of time, but usually i just push my pity party to the side after about 2 minutes.

On the 3rd of June, Alex went up to see part of her family and join them on a cruise to Columbia. She said wont be back until maybe the 3rd or 4th of July at the earliest. I kinda miss her, but I feel like spending a month physically apart from her will do me some good. Her and i still snap back and fourth to save our streak and to day good morning. Whenever she cant find wifi, she turns on her dad's personal hotspot so she can send me at least one snap to keep our streak rolling (we are the longest streak we have with anyone on our snapchats, and it stands currently at 261 days.) The day after she left the streak sorta died for the day, but she was able to save it cause she was in a different time zone.

Since she's been gone, we've hired several new people at work, many if which being new hosts (thank God tbh, cause this means after theyre all done training and get a couple weeks to get used to everything i can train as a server and hopefully make a little more money). One of them is Giovanni's sister (Gio is a guy that works there. Mostly does dish, sometimes hosts.) And apparently she likes me? About a week before she started they came in to eat with their mom and after they left Gio was like "Dude, i think my sister likes you."

Hey, some random girl actually has a crush on me for the first time in my life? That's cool! Right? It would be, if she weren't 17. If i were still 18 or 19, i wouldnt really care. But now that im 20, even though we only have a 2 year and almost 6 month age difference, i still feel like its weird. I feel like im in a whole new age threshold now that ive hit that 2 decade mark, and she just seems to me like a kid. Anyway, Sammy (thats her) is bi with a preference for girls. She's very forward about asking the girls at work about their sexuality (she'll be mid convo and just be like "wait; you straight?") She makes a hobby of flirting with the straight girls, because as she says it, she can easily flirt with straight girls bc she knows she wont have a chance. As soon as she knows theyre bi or gay, she cant even really talk to them. Sammy flirts with me in excess, has asked me 3 times if im straight, or if im sure that i am (homegirl has only been here like two weeks), and the reason why is because she would happily let me break her heart, and has said thats its too bad im not gay bc if i was she would let me crush her. Also has told me that i remind her of her ex girlfriend, and when i said idk if thats supposed to be a compliment or not, she said "well i really liked her, so..." Oh and btw all 3 times shes asked, I've told her im straight (yknow, bc im not out to the irl general public) and I'll just say that having to lie outloud about my sexuality does not feel that great. Thats not something ive ever had to verbally do before, and now i understand. Tbh i dont really lie, or at least i very rarely do, bc i dont like it, and i want to be seen as trustworthy. i have told my share of lies in my day, but i feel like that was in the top 3 worst lies ive ever told. Simply because i know thats not who i am, yet im saying it anyway.

Besides that, in these last couple weeks ive:

Gotten my computer hacked and almost got scamed out of the piddly $120 dollars total that is in my bank account for me to try to live off of until next Fridays paycheck, and almost got my brother's bank account hacked (looong f*ckin story. Short version, im a gotdang fool, and people are absolute bastards), so now i cant use my computer until i get it looked at, which means no art (sucks bc i wanted to draw myself a bi pride icon)

Put in 103 hours at work in the last 2 weeks

Had our only available car break down twice

Got about half of our kitchen painted. Still need to find time to finish it

Purchased tickets for a convention, and bought almost everything i need to finish my cosplay.

Have a sore in the back of my mouth thats been plaguing me for over a week (finally starting to heal. Its been hurting to do so much as talk, much less eat or drink)

Had to deal with everyone's attitudes at work (some sh*ts going on with the moon and everyones been a pissy ass lately, and im so over it)

The pain in the ass girl at work that we've been trying to get rid of for over a year called in and quit 15 minutes before her literal last shift (Father's day) and our proprietary manager told her "its bullshit that you just found out that your other job scheduled you to work today 15 minutes before you had to come here" and "dont try to come back to this store again". Im ecstatic about it tbqh and feel a small sense of victory about the whole thing.

One of my favorite gays from work had his last shift Saturday night and im still sad about it.

It may not seem like much but its just all around every other day something else small happened to add to the weird and crazy smorgasbord that is my life.

Also bless Sammy bc yesterday was Father's Day, and because of that, i was in the building of my work at 9:45am, started working to get set up at 10, opened around 10:50, and didnt stop until about 8:50pm, 10 minutes before we closed. Our proprietary manager bought us tons of pizza and snacks in the middle of our shift so that we could all take turns having a 10 minute breather, but other than that it was non-stop work and dedication to the customer. At 9:50am my brother went to the Duncan Donuts down the road from us to get the handful of morning people either coffee or bagels or whatever they asked for. I told my brother to get me the english muffin with egg and cheese, and if they had the option, to add sausage to it. Also to tell Sammy i said hi (because she works at that Duncan also, and was there yesterday morning). My brother comes back with breakfast, hands me my food and said that Sammy made it especially for me. (At that time i was also in a bad mood bc i was tired from working four open doubles in a row, and was stressed, so that really lifted my spirits a bit. The food, and the thought that someone made it especially for me.) And i'll just say she just earned my love for the next week at least.

Anyway i think thats all for now loves. I dont have a very eventful life, but i sure do have a busy one.

#my life #avatarkorvira speaks #poor sammy thinks im quote ''really cute'' and ''f*cking adorable'' and im kinda glad she thinks im straight #like her second night training with me she asked how old i was and when i said 20 she said ''damn'' #then later when i asked her age (even though i alreadu knew she was 17) she refused to tell me specifically #like shed tell anyone else (including my sister) but not me #and you see at work with certain people ill be like playfully flirty with them just as one of the many ways i show friendliness #like i do it to alex and heather and marissa and molly and several others. but theyre all adults #i know for a fact sammy is a minor. so i told her im not gonna make crude or flirty jokes with her and she doesnt like that #also i just realized that i only joke flirt with girls at work #mostly thats just because im more comfortable with the gals. that and every guy there is either annoying or nasty #and i wouldnt be able to interact with them that way without them making it really gross or thinking im actually hitting on them #and if i ever truely hitting on any of the guys at work someone smack me in the back of the head bc ew #alex #sammy

[starwarsfandomh8speopleofcolor]

Star Wars: The Last Jedi

review with spoilers

SPOILERS FROM HERE ON, READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION

Finn: was it necessary to have him get hit by literally every fucking character!? The ONLY ones who don't hit him or physically cause him any pain or inconvenience are Rey and Poe (and lbr it's possibly because they only have like .2 seconds of screentime together). His loyalty to Rey and how much she matters to him is amazing but it'd be nice if she remembered his existence at any point in time (i think she doesn't mention him once while she's trying to god fucking save kylo ren ew), but their reunion was AMAZING.

Poe: OOC much? He's nice and caring! Not a hotheaded ass who doesn't follow orders - where's his respect for Leia? Where's Leia's respect for him? What the fuck was Rian doing implying god damned DAMEREY AT THE END OF THAT MOVIE!? I mean, all through the movie he made it OBVIOUS that he hates finnrey. At least he seems to dislike reylo, too, but as my mom would say mal de muchos consuelo de tontos.

His first scene with General Ugh? Amazing and the most in character thing he did in the movie!

Paige: only there to be killed, but i think that much was obvious. I'll use this space to complain about the fact that ALL the graphic deaths of the movie were of people of color. Paige Tico, Jessika Pava (or I think it was her, we saw her face .2 seconds before her x-wing was set on fire), a random black man from the resistance who says one line before he dies.... Like I get it! THE FIRST ORDER HATES MINORITIES AND WANTS THEM DEAD YOU DON'T NEED TO SHOW US THAT GRAPHICALLY WE G E T IT. It was also painfully clear that everyone on TFO was white, which is why I think it was on purpose - if this movie made one thing clear was that they are the bad guys, plain evil. Definitely parallel irl fascists. 

Kyle: let's rule the galaxy together; Rey: you're choosing a path I can't take. Vader: i'll overthrow him and you and i can rule the galaxy together (blah blah); Padme: you're going down a path I can't follow. Reylos: lose their shit. As if:

the first half of the movie wasn't full of luke and leia and kyle and rey parallels - ya know, who are siblings. looks like Rey Solo will be canon?

 their force bond wasn't made as part of a ploy by Snoke

 the next thing that vader does after telling padme that wasn't to physically assault her like talk about abuse apologist assholes ffs.

I'm SO MAD that the spark line wasn't spoken by poe! It was said by the white lady with the purple hair (i wanna punch her in the face t b h)

Let me make one (1) comment about a white character: are you telling me that Luke Skywalker, the ONLY PERSON IN THE GALAXY who doesn't hate Vader, who thought there might be REDEMPTION for him, would even 'fleetingly consider' striking down his TEENAGED, SLEEPING NEPHEW WHO HADN'T DONE ANYTHING BAD YET? just make it clear that you just wanna jack off to kylo ren and go. His trick at the end was A+ though that was the first time I see people clapping in the cinema, definitely the best force trick in all the movies tbqh

Finnrose kiss (rose kisses a very startled finn): they knew each other for less than a day but at the end Rose says she loves him? mmmmmmMMMMmM. And later on Rey and Poe shily smile at each other like 'im poe' 'im rey' 'i know' (me: 'kiss my ass'). This man (rian) HATES finnrey. @ JJ don't disappoint i beg u. (btw no hate to finnrose, i dont particularly care about it but the whole thing is sketchy u know). Finnrey's reunion, their beautiful hug at the end, though, tells me that ?Maybe we’re gonna turn Star Wars into Star Telenovela? Whateverrrrrrrr. I wouldn't hate a finn v rey v rose love triangle, but I fear how it'd be delivered.

This whole movie is the longest in the franchise and the majority of it happens in the course of like...12 hs at most? It’s really inconcistent.

Rose was an awesome character! I’d have preferred it if she hadn’t been introduced this way (no need to kill his sis on screen damn, she would have been in that stair and she would have seen Finn anyway), but she’s really smart and kind.

Finn is the gift that keeps on giving! AND HE DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS SHIT DIRECTOR HAVING HIM SLAPPED AND STUNNED LEFT AND RIGHT! by Phasma (who he later kills but ok), by those officers in the casino, by Rose... 

Poe, as I said, was out of character, but I’m not sure I agree with the people who say he was sexualised by Leia and Holdo? Like maybe the subtitles lied but they only said they like him? Did Holdo mistreat him? yes. Did he deserve better from Leia than getting slapped and later on stunned? Yes! (but lbr that was ooc from leia too, she didn’t hit han when she was younger and more impulsive *ahem* and they spent their whole time fighting, but nah let’s demote my commander because he saved us from certain death).

Btw why should I care about Holdo? we didn’t know her and she treated other rebels like shit so....yeah she and leia were friends but WHERE was it stablished!? AND WHY WASN’T THE SPARK LINE ORIGINALLY POE’S! I CAN’T BELIEVE HE GOT IT FROM HER! 

best part of the movie: REYLO IS NOT CANON WOOHOO, I had read that they basically made out on screen wtf, reylos are on crack. That’s what drove me to tell y’all to go watch it right after I left the theather The only thing rey does is to call him a monster many times and then go to him when she gets a force vision of him turning to the light (which doesn’t happen btw). They do fight together but later she tries to kill him again so.

I thiiiink I'm not forgetting anything but if you've got any questions or wanna add something send it in with a spoilers warning for the other mods, thanks!

Mod A.

#tlj spoilers #the last jedi spoilers #mod a. #anti reylo #anti kylo ren #txt

[speench]

Care

Last entry for Reinzo week, aaaaHHHHHH, I’ve loved all of this tbh. And I’m already super excited for next year. But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop writing these two, they’re adorable tbqh.

It wasn’t often that anyone saw Hanzo look anything less than put together. So when the archer returned from a mission looking like he had been hit by a bus, everyone was shocked. Hanzo wasted no time on making conversation though, or even being seen very much before he was slipping into the room he shared with Reinhardt. The crusader was expecting him though, and he had heard how the mission had gone for him. So he was expecting Hanzo to be in bad shape anyways.

Reinhardt, for once, had waited to meet Hanzo in their room when he returned. So he was lounging in bed reading a book when he heard the door slide open. He wasn’t expecting Hanzo to look like such a mess though, half of his hair had slipped from the usual ponytail, and his clothing was torn in places, streaked with dirt and drying blood.

The sight had him frowning, sitting up properly and moving to set his book aside.

“Hanzo-”

“I will be with you in a moment, I need a shower.” Hanzo cut him off quietly, lifting a hand to ask for quiet as he dropped his bow and quiver carelessly by the door. Reinhardt wanted to get up and make sure Hanzo was alright, but he knew the other man probably needed a second before he was asked about what happened. So instead Reinhardt just nodded quietly, lifting a hand to pull his reading glasses off. He watched Hanzo walk over to the dresser and grab some clothes before he moved off once more.

Hanzo had a habit of being blunt when he wasn’t in a good mood, or in general. Reinhardt had come to respect that over time. He didn’t blame Hanzo after all, the other man had grown up knowing that typically things wouldn’t go his way without him being harsh and straightforward. So he watched Hanzo duck into the bathroom before he rose, stretching and glancing around their room.

It was instinct to move over to the door, and get Hanzo’s things from the floor. Reinhardt ended up stooping to scoop up Hanzo’s bow and quiver, carrying them over to the desk to set them up where they wouldn’t be stepped on. He heard the sound of water running in the next room as he snagged Hanzo’s hair brush off the top of the dresser and moved back to the bed.

He didn’t have to wait long for Hanzo to return from the shower, as the other man made it quick. It was rare for Hanzo to take insanely long showers, and if he’d lingered longer than usual, it probably would have worried Reinhardt. But in the usual time, Hanzo had returned. He still looked insanely tired. And there were painful looking scrapes up his arms, made obvious by the tank top he’d chosen for the night.

“Feeling better?” Reinhardt asked calmly as he shifted to sit against the head of their bed, gesturing for Hanzo to come join him. Hanzo’s eyes fell on him and the archer mustered a tired shrug.

“Sore.” He muttered, moving to sit in front of Reinhardt. It was typical practice for them after rough missions. Quiet contact was a huge comfort for both of them. So Reinhardt ended up reaching out to hook an arm around Hanzo, pulling the other man back into his lap. Hanzo gave a tired groan at that, shifting to turn towards Reinhardt and wrap his arms around the crusader, wincing in the process.

“Do you want me to have Angela look at your arms?” Reinhardt frowned, gaze flickering to the arm Hanzo hooked over his shoulder. Hanzo just shook his head silently against Reinhardt’s chest. He could feel Hanzo slowly relaxing though. It often took him a bit to completely wind down when things went badly. Especially when it came to solo missions, but Reinhardt was patient. He just took a moment to rub a hand over Hanzo’s shoulders. Though when he moved to brush a hand through Hanzo’s hair, he was met with damp tangles and a noise of discomfort from the man who’d settled against him.

It was a good thing that he’d had the mind to grab the brush before Hanzo settled against him, because he had a feeling that getting the other man to let him go would have been a challenge. Especially when Hanzo was gripping his shirt so hard.

“You worry me sometimes Hanzo, you should let people take care of you more.” Reinhardt huffed softly, giving Hanzo a light squeeze around the waist. Hanzo just grumbled softly, wiggling further into his arms and hunkering down against his chest.

“I do not need to be taken care of.” Hanzo muttered, a slight growl to his voice. Reinhardt rolled his eyes, shifting to rest his cheek against Hanzo’s hair. He had very similar ideas most of his life, and even to that day, he’d be the first to admit he was a hypocrite. But he cared about Hanzo, he wanted his companion to be comfortable.

“You may not need it, but it can be nice every now and then.” Reinhardt shrugged. He moved to sit up a bit more, nudging Hanzo to sit up a bit too. Hanzo stifled a low sound of distaste, but moved to draw himself up. It took a second for them to get situated, but Reinhardt eventually got Hanzo to turn back around, picking up the brush from where he’d set it on the bed.

“May I?” He indicated the brush, Hanzo took a glance at it, before giving a quiet nod. Reinhardt offered a faint smile in response, leaning in to press a kiss to Hanzo’s cheek. Hanzo huffed softly, feigning annoyance, but the crusader could see the edge of a smile tugging at his lips.

Instead of pointing it out, Reinhardt shifted his attention from gently brushing the snarls out of Hanzo’s hair. They both remained quiet as he did so, only interrupted by Hanzo wincing every now and then if Reinhardt hit a particularly bad snag. It took a while since Reinhardt was taking his time to make sure he didn’t cause any real pain. But it was calming, and when he was done he lifted a hand to run through Hanzo’s hair easily, humming in approval before he just dropped his arms to wrap around Hanzo again.

“There, much better.” He rumbled, giving Hanzo a light squeeze. Hanzo was quick to lean back against him, legs pulling up so he could properly curl up in Reinhardt’s lap. The archer gave a slight nod in agreement though, tipping his head back to rest against Reinhardt’s shoulder. It was a comfortable quiet at that point, and was only broken by the sound of Hanzo wriggling again. He turned once more to snake his arms around Reinhardt, looped around the crusader’s neck that time.

Reinhardt adjusted his grip as Hanzo melted into his chest, huffing and nosing into his collar. When they had first gotten together, Hanzo was almost adverse to physical contact, but over time he’d warmed considerably, and was almost clingy when he really wanted to be at that point. Reinhardt was content either way, he enjoyed having Hanzo close to him, but respected the other man’s wishes when he didn’t want to be touched for one reason or another.

As it was, he could tell Hanzo needed someone close at that point, feeling the other man’s hands thread up into his hair. It wasn’t often that Hanzo got excessively clingy, but when he did there was usually a reason. So Reinhardt wasn’t protesting whatsoever as he settled in, ready to just stay there with Hanzo for the rest of the night if needed.

#Reinzoweek2017 #reinzo #reinhardt wilhelm #fluff #Hanzo Shimada #Hanzo doesn't like being babied #but rein is gonna take care of him anyways

[devoraq]

a l l o f th o s e a s k t h i n g s

i appreciate this but also i do not have the attention span to do all of them in one sitting so. i just picked some out thanks ily

2) Does your apprentice get flustered over anything? What make them flustered? Do they turn red? Stumble over words?  

DISSOCIATION CITY lmao seren is. a fucking mess tbqh maybe he doesn’t full on dissociate at that point but as demonstrated in this fic that i wrote more or less through his lens he’s just kinda like “huh.” like he mentally zooms out from the situation and Carries On

8) How does your apprentice express affection? Outwardly? More subtle-like?

well like he doesn’t really think of it as Affection™ in the moment but he’s really big on sensory stuff especially touch and he just likes Feeling Things so he gets very comfortable with the way ppl feel physically and will kinda. come up and Be In Your Space. like he’ll absentmindedly wrap asra’s arm around himself or curl himself in on julian out of nowhere just because it feels nice and he’s comfortable

13) What’s your apprentice like when sad? Do they get really depressed? Have they ever hurt themselves out of sadness?

GOD it gets nasty because he’s super out of touch with his emotions but if he’s really sad like after julian dumped him COUGH he’ll feel it as a physical ache even if he’s still denying the cause of it. also he has hurt himself but that was always kinda Just Because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

16) Does your apprentice have any scars or tattoos? Where are they? Describe them?

he has some scars from deliberately burning or freezing spots on his skin with magic just to feel something bc he’s a very physical sensation oriented person who gets bored easily. also he’s got some small tattoos of various planets and stars scattered around his body like on his arms and thighs and back and stuff that kinda glow when he does magic just for the aesthetic of it

17) Can they bear pain? How much pain can they bear? Do they hate it or do they like it ala our good Doctor?

jhsdmng WELL. i mean he’s a very detached person just in terms of himself as a person and his physical body but if it’s Bad Unwanted Pain he’ll start dissociating after a certain point and from there it’s as if he never got hurt in the first place. if it’s sickness he’s whiny and miserable and useless. if it’s Good Pain he’s..into it to an extent but probably not as much as julian is

25) What is the easiest way to annoy your apprentice? How do they react to being annoyed?

REPETITIVE NOISES. if you’re tapping or anyone is doing anything of the sort there’s a 40% chance he’ll Kill You and a 60% chance he completely withdraws to the point where he’s not aware of any sound at all until someone snaps him out of it. he gets super irritable and snappy if he’s annoyed because he can’t handle it without shutting down

send me a number!

#also i'd never do that to the mobile users i'm a merciful man #these are all for seren btw bc i love my boy but there's also elaina #ask #strobelightstars #drew's clues #seren

[ellamordes]

Beleaguered Assistant  /  Daddy's Girl: Deconstructed

Hold onto your voice. Hold onto your breath. Don’t make a noise, don’t leave the room until I come back from the dead for you. I will come back from the dead for you.

Richard Siken, You Are Jeff

This is a request for the two most important people currently in Priam’s life: his previously-abandoned daughter and the poor kid he’s roped into servitude helping him with all his science shit. I apologise ahead of time for the length, my fingers get carried the fuck away.

The Assistant: Bear with me while I trip over the two poorly stitched-together ideas I have in my head for this little weirdo. But the basic premise of their relationship is that Priam somehow came upon him when he was young(er) and decided that he would be a fitting assistant/guinea pig/outlet for all his various issues and whadda ya’ know, he is. Their relationship is odd and high-key codependent -- with Priam being fiercely possessive and the kid having been more or less manipulated into attachment. Anyone on the outside looking in might surmise that Priam views him more as a commodity than a person, and the truth is he probably does. But as everything else in Priam’s life tends to run, things are a bit more complicated than that alone. He cares for the kid, truly, but that care tends to manifest itself sparsely, and the rest of their time together is built on the back of subtle manipulation: it’s just me and you against the world - no one else would understand, and various degrees of abuse: verbal degradation - calls him names, tells him to fuck off, says he doesn’t give a shit about him, etc., & physical - nothing direct, mostly injuries sustained through being forced into dangerous circumstances (he’d actually freak the fuck out if he were ever an immediate cause of harm, otherwise he can brush it off as hazards of the trade). You can trust that anyone else caught causing the kid pain are themselves in for a world of hurt tbqh. Now, onto the ideas! Option #1: Priam stumbled upon the kid some years ago (maybe when the boy had been around 10 or 11?) in the gutter/slums/some dilapidated area sans any parent or guardian (what happened to them would be up to the player) and decided to take the kid under his wing, so to speak. To this day he stands firmly on the fact it wasn’t an act of mercy or some bleeding heart symptom, but that he saw a beneficial opportunity (free assistant!) and took it. Maybe that’s true, maybe it isn’t, who knows. They’ve been together ever since and yadda yadda etc. Option #2: Kid’s an Artifex Priam either found or stole, unshackled (however the fuck that works), and then went about reprogramming/adding mods and otherwise customising him both outward and inward (and will probably continue to do so until the end of time, he fucking loves it - like, goes pure mad over whatever new shit he can introduce into the kid’s system, it’s great). Boy’s been successfully hidden for years now and Priam would go to any length to make sure that’s the way it stays. (Note: because I’m still not exactly sure how Artifex work and what all the lore is regarding them, we’ll let this be a loose skeleton for now, and hammer out the details as they come!) Personality-wise, I want to leave him fairly open -- except for the fact he’s hyper-susceptible to Priam’s suggestion, greatly values his opinion, and has developed an anxious need to please due to some rather creative conditioning. He’s also probably taken on some of Priam’s traits, be they positive or negative (but deep inside, Priam’s always hoped the kid would come out a better person than he is.) Tl;dr he’s the Morty to Priam’s Rick. Suggested FC (or really, just the one I used for the graphic) is Arthur Gosse, but only because I love him and his face to bits and pieces, lol. Tbh this is entirely open, any face will do so long as they’re in their early to mid 20′s!

The Daughter: One of the greatest regrets of Priam’s life was abandoning his wife and young daughter some 15+ years ago, and it probably goes without saying that she’s developed heaps of daddy issues thanks to it. His reasons for leaving vary, and I’m not sure he’s ever even really reconciled them within himself -- whether it was due to the slow deconstruction of his marriage, his tendency to always prioritise work/his own selfish interests, or the addictions he’d developed toward “the end” of everything. All that really matters is that he did and now he’s back. After the death of her mother and Priam’s wife (separated, but never divorced), Priam finally reached out to make contact with his daughter, which she could not have been more thrilled about. Contrary to how she probably should have felt, she’s spent most of their time apart wishing, hoping, and praying for her dad to come home while more than likely believing herself to be the real reason he left.  They’ve been reunited for maybe eight or so months now, and things have been fairly breezy -- thanks in part to her fear of driving him away again/need to please and his desire to make amends for all the things he’d missed. He’s still wildly selfish and self-serving, though no one could argue he loves his daughter very much -- and to the best of his limited ability. Where she’s at now is up to the player, whether it’s in a (relatively volatile and unhappy) marriage thanks to her severely wounded identity and eagerness to settle down with the first man who would have her (like I said, daddy issues), trying her best to make it out in the big wide world alone, or any in-between, it all works for me!  I’d like it if she shared some similarities to Priam where personality’s concerned, because she is -- after all -- his daughter. Maybe some anger or drinking issues, probably very clever and bright, able to adapt to situations, idk whatever. We can talk more about the details when the time comes. But like the kid’s his Morty, Tl;dr she’s the Beth. Suggested FC is Kwak Ji Young because she’s gorgeous and dope af, but any (at least half) Korean woman that could pass for late 20′s (I think 29 or 30 is the age I’m aiming for, to fit in Priam’s timeline) would work! 

Please take these lil’ kiddos and make my life complete. I need them and I love them and there’s an infinite opportunity for drama and angst, which I also need and love. And most everything is open to change, so if you’ve got questions or suggestions or just a different direction you’d like to explore that you think would still fit, hmu! ♡

#langrp #request #pls and thank

[artistimistic]

tagging @dayoneofadventure since he made me do this ;p

1.       Who hurt you the most?

That’s a tough one for sure. I really don’t have a good answer.

2.       Who have you hurt the most?

Kind of the same as above, but probably one of my exes if I had to guess. I hurt Ethan pretty bad.

3.       Who do you miss the most?

Hmm, right now I miss a few people there is no most

4.       Who do you want out of your life the most?

The person is gone, fortunately.

5.       Who had the biggest positive impact on you?

My dad.

6.       Who had the biggest negative impact on you?

My mom

7.       Who do you wish you could be honest with?

I’m actually a rather honest person. I don’t see the point in not being honest. I try not to hurt people’s feelings obviously but…

8.       Who have you harbored (any kind of!) secret feelings towards?

Lots of people….even tho im honest im rather shy…but ive been working on that kinda!!!

9.       Who would the world be better off without?

Trump probs

10.   Who do you wish you’d treated differently?

Eh, quite a few people. I’ve made lots of mistakes, but that is part of life.

11.   What was the worst day of your life?

Hmmmmm another tough one that I feel like I do not have a good answer for. I feel like it has not happened yet.

12.   What’s your greatest fear?

Everyone abandoning me/being alone.

13.   What’s your biggest insecurity?

Uh, same as #12 lmao

14.   What’s your biggest regret?

Not taking more chances/making more friends

15.   Describe your ideal world.

As cliché as it sounds, one where peace is abundant, people can live, and eat food and not…yknow die from things easily prevented.

16.   Describe your personal hell.

Im living it #emo #myspace. No but uh I dunno? Working a job I hate…leading a life I hate…ending up alone…lmao

17.   What’s a hopeless dream you’re still holding on to?

Uhmmm? Probably being a writer

18.   What’s the most embarrassed you’ve ever been?

One time I was in the lunch line and I poked a person in front of me and waved cause I thought it was my best friend….it wasn’t.

19.   What’s the angriest you’ve ever been?

I feel like im saying I dunno a lot but ive had issues with anger that I struggle with so I don’t know if there is any particular “angriest” time

20.   What’s the saddest you’ve ever been?

Hooo boy I have depression so kinda the same as above sorry :x

21.   What’s the most scared you’ve ever been?

When my mom found out I’d been self harming

22.   What’s the most hopeless you’ve ever felt? man these are some hard hitting questions man…I dunno…

23.   What’s the most frantic you’ve ever felt?

Same as #21

24.   What’s the bravest you’ve ever felt?

I don’t think ive ever felt brave tbqh :x

25.   What’s the best case scenario for your future?

I have a job I enjoy at least a bit, and make enough to live comfortably with someone I love. And we have a dog :D

26.   What’s the worst case scenario for you future?

As ive said, im alone in a dead end job etc

27.   What’s the most physical pain you’ve ever felt?

When I bruised my ribs

28.   What’s the most emotional pain you’ve ever felt?

:x

29.   Describe a time you felt like a hypocrite.

Ive struggled with jealousy it used to be super bad when I was in my early teens and I got mad at my boyfriend for doing things I did myself

30.   Describe a time you felt like a traitor.

I don’t think I have

31.   Describe a time you felt like a hero.

never

32.   Describe a time you felt inhuman.

All the time cause I struggle with dissociation lmfao

33.   Describe a time you felt like a failure.

Every moment of my life man im so emo

34.   What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?

Its so hard to define a worst lmao….ive self harmed and planned suicide so lets go w/that?

35.   What are you proudest of?

Getting published ~14 times in my schools literary magazine

36.   What’s your relationship with your family like?

Pretty ok

37.   What’s your relationship with religion like?

Im athiest

38.   Talk about someone you’ve lost.

Ive lost my great aunt mary, I used to spend a lot of time at her house. She had a super cute yorkie and always had a bowl of old people candy. I miss her.

39.   Talk about someone who abandoned you.

Everyone lmfao no but uh a lot of my friends have

40.   Talk about a desire you have that scares you.

Uhhh???? I honestly dunno…man I suck at this im sorry lmfao

41.   What’s something you wish you were capable of?

Not second guessing myself constantly, or maybe not worrying. Yeah not worrying would be fcking gr8

42.   What’s something you’re afraid that you’re capable of?

Destroying everything around me and isolating myself :’)

43.   Describe the kind of life you wish you’d been born into.

I don’t hate the one I was born into tbh

44.   Describe your worst heartbreak.

I don’t wanna talk about this sorry.

45.   Describe your worst disappointment.

Failing math 2 times in HS

46.   Have you ever taken a fall for someone?

All the time

47.   Have you ever forced or let someone take a fall for you?

Forced, no let??? Maybe :x

48.   Have you ever done serious physical harm to someone?

nope

49.   Have you ever done serious emotional harm to someone?

Intentionally? No…accidentally most likely

50.   Have you ever self-harmed?

Big time

51.   Have you ever attempted suicide?

Define “attempted”

52.   Have you ever stolen something?

nop

53.   Have you ever cheated on someone?

Once when I was quite young, one of my bigger regrets

54.   Have you ever been cheated on?

yup

55.   Have you ever taken revenge on someone?

Don’t think so

56.   Have you ever seriously considered killing somone?

nop

57.   Have you ever betrayed someone who trusted you?

Eh, probably?

58.   Have you ever experienced something supernatural or unexplainable?

Not really no

#dayoneoftheadventure #artistimistic #mypost #about me #answered #personal #sorry my answers are so lame #some id be willing to talk about if you wanna message me privately #me

[kinetic-elaboration]

January 3: The 100 2x08 Spacewalker

Spacewalker is probably a bad episode to watch when I’m feeling sad like this but... what can you do? (I’d say ‘skip the episode’ but I mean... it never gets cheerier so.)

The Grounders as a whole don’t intimidate me at all since I’ve seen their ineptitude too many times but I will never be over those costumes/masks.

See okay this Finn thing... On the one hand (I know I’ve said all this before), Raven is right that asking for Finn in exchange for a truce isn’t an offer. The offer has already been made. Clarke made it. The Reaper cure for backing the army away/maybe even forming an alliance. (This is a win-win-win for the Grounders btw: the war they’re so intent on fighting has no clear cause or purpose, so they lose nothing by just forgetting about it, and they gain a lot from the Reaper cure and anti-MW allies.) And Lexa accepts that offer, but then when she gets what she wants she demands more. I recognize that she is in a position of power and Clarke one of weakness, but I still think her attitude is dishonorable and bad faith and it pisses me off.

BUT I also don’t think that it’s inherently wrong for Finn to be punished by the Grounders for a crime against Grounders. I think their method of justice and punishment is bad but this isn’t actually a “Blood must have blood” scenario. It’s more like... how societies operate now? Because it’s, you know, pretty reasonable? Like if I went to France and killed someone, you can bet I’d be tried and imprisoned in France. So it’s really not, as Bellamy says, “insane.” (But then of course they have no concept of international law because they have never known any other ‘nation’ before so I guess..IC??)

Similarly, if the Grounders committed crimes against Arkadians, it would be fair for the Arkadians to punish them. (And I’d like to say ‘and they would and wouldn’t think twice’ but then I remember Ilian in S4 and just....ugh.....) (They should have killed him is what I’m saying.)

BUT it’s also gauche that Finn’s people are so quick to just hand him over. Unsurprising--from a world-building perspective I appreciate when the delinquents are considered nobodies, as they should be--but gauche.

Clarke always wants to save everyone, to find solutions to everything. Promise first, figure out the details later.

Also love Bellamy in the background pushing people away from Raven and trying to diffuse the situation, too.

“You’re running fluid dynamic specs while we’re having sex” is honestly such a self-burn though? Like if that’s what she’s doing, the sex isn’t good.

I love the set of Raven’s room. Whenever I picture the Ark, I always blur the details but these spaces are so cool. Hers looks basically like a mechanic’s workshop.

Every SINGLE time I see one of Finn’s pieces of metalwork art I think about that post laying out how Finn/Murphy could have been a thing and I just physically can’t stand it it made so much sense.

Speak of the devil.

All these people have their issues with Finn but when it’s time to protect one of their own (one of t100) they are all in. Like literally they are willing to turn Alpha Station into a fortress for one person.

And like honestly turning on Murphy though? I guess I understand it if we’re willing to say they were truly Finn’s friends, and given that Murphy uh killed some people and tried to kill Bellamy but--I never got the impression that Bellamy liked Finn and Clarke has many reasons to be upset with him. But I guess people are just like this: good at compartmentalizing. Murphy is just an easier target for anger right now, and you can’t be second guessing your defense of Finn when there’s literally a whole village of warriors out to get him. I guess from Clarke it’s a practical position, which she’s very good at. In a way perhaps... she is more practical than strictly loyal?

And Murphy always available to tell unvarnished truths. (That Finn was looking for Clarke isn’t relevant to blame or morality--it doesn’t make it her fault--but it does go to the heart of why she’s looking for scapegoats.)

I agree with Lincoln, obviously, over Octavia: Lxa would 1000% sacrifice one of her own in Clarke’s position, no question. Because she’s cold, but also it’s tactically and arguably morally the right thing to do. Lxa’s positions are often black and white--so are everyone’s--but O’s are like downright naive. (”She can’t ask us to hand over one of our own! Would she do that??”)

I can’t believe Clarke is so shocked that Lincoln would turn on Finn. Oh yeah this guy who was nice to him once but subsequently massacred his village? Yeah, they’re not friends anymore lol.

I feel like I didn’t have much sympathy toward this when I first watched it but I do like Lincoln’s line “We all have a monster inside of us. We’re all responsible for what it does when we let it out.” I think I disliked it because it made me uncomfortable tbh. (What still makes me uncomfortable is how much blame Lincoln gets, from the narrative, for actions he took when he really wasn’t in his right mind. Like... yes it was still him and something to live with, but he wasn’t just an addict, he was made an addict through torture by an enemy... seems perhaps a situation where more slack is warranted. Anyway.)

That said the Grounder torture machine is just...... leave me alone, I don’t need this gratuitous violence. I’m neither shocked nor impressed.

What they should have done was try Finn initially themselves because while I do stand by everything I said about facing Grounder punishment for crimes against Grounders, by the standards of his people, that torture is itself a moral wrong. And that’s reason to refuse extradition. But you can’t take the high ground about acceptable punishments when you let a war crime go with a ‘well, we don’t have a judiciary so I guess you’re pardoned?? idk??’

Another thing that I wish Clarke or someone had mentioned is that “He must suffer the pain of 18 deaths. Then we can have peace” may not be true at all because L has already shown that she does not act in good faith. There is every chance Clarke will hand over Finn, he’ll be tortured and killed, and then L will say “I also want [x arbitrary number] of your people as penance for frying my warriors” or “I also want access to your magical ship because I said so” or “I also want you to do a song and dance for me because it would be funny”--and she can say this because she has this army. And if Clarke says no at any point in the long litany of requests, L can just send the army in. She’s made no gestures of good will at all. So it would be nice if someone showed some skepticism about what good handing over Finn would really do--based on what they know at this point in the narrative.

Abby versus Jaha: I’m with Jaha not because I really agree with him--this is the period where he’s pissing me off--but because Abby taking the high ground is just so......... I mean yeah when it suits her?? I’m not sending a child to his death bitch please you already did that.

Clarke was legitimately disgusted by Finn just like 1-2 eps ago and now she’s ready with the excuses? It’s too much. I semi-understand her, as I said before re: compartmentalizing, but also I expect better from her. He wasn’t trying to look for anyone or save anyone; he was off his nut in a rage.

That love confession is so manipulative. And so weird... I mean he obviously doesn’t love her lol. But then again I always complain about these characters not acting like teenagers and then whenever one does I’m like “stop being so unreasonable CHILD.”

And Clarke with the awkward ‘mmm just gonna ignore you said stuff about love and forgiveness.’

Love the Griffin / Blake power walk.

This was back when I was still invested in Kabby (I loved them up until the moment they got together, then my interest level plummeted tbqh.) Kane’s return with such like off-center romance.

Legit question but considering the pretty amazing defensive structure they have in Alpha Station plus their guns and, like, General Technology... could they have won a battle? All of the negotiations, private and public, rely on the assumption that they could not but... I mean the 100 won at the end of S1 with, arguably, less.

I love that you can see the trees through the windows of the Ark, and some of the trees are coming in.

“I wasn’t a prisoner, but I wasn’t allowed outside either.” So.... you were a prisoner?

Abby, Kane, and Marcus are one fucked up trio. “The former Chancellor is being detained for treason.” Aka disagreeing with Abby. Kane: wide-eyed wtf??? Abby: oh and btw I’m keeping this job for as long as I feel like it; who’s the chancellor now bitch? Like power’s just a hot potato they throw among the three of them.

I do not at all believe L would actually agree to letting the Ark prosecute and execute Finn as a sufficient fulfillment of their end of any bargain. I think that would be a smart compromise but I don’t believe it of her tbqh. Still it is a best case scenario and Abby putting up her nose at the possibility of Finn being guilty of “war crimes” (which like he definitely is???) (except in the sense that there’s probably no real ‘rule of war’ in this universe and thus ‘war crimes’ is impossible to define but other than that...)--just drives me nuts.

I know I’m saying a lot of inconsistent things--that I think Finn should be punished but that I also think Grounder “justice” is gross and immoral and L is inherently untrustworthy--but basically it comes down to: they keep talking in terms of practicality, and no one is bringing up the moral dimension. Does he deserve to be punished in some way by some one for massacring 18 innocent civilians? Because I think just about anyone with any sort of moral dignity would say yes.

Anyway Raven’s really hot.

Really wish there’d been more a sense of where the delinquents are versus the main population. They only seem to use the majority of the Arkers when they need some conflict or some extras, but they don’t have, like, a real or consistent pov.

We NEEDED those Kane & Lxa scenes honestly. He keeps on saying things like “I spent time with her” and “I know her” and “she’s a visionary” but I’m gonna be honest I saw 0 visionary qualities in her, I legit do not get this, and you can’t say shit like this without backing it up. Like is she a “visionary” for keep them alive this long or is she just being reasonably intelligent by attempting to extract as much as she can from them, knowing she could kill them at any time? I mean her calculations are pretty easy as long as she has no honor--which she doesn’t--so I don’t see anything visionary or remarkable, even, about it. If she had to decide whether or not to accept non-torture punishment for Finn, that might be somewhat harder--but even then, nothing like what Abby, Clarke, et.al. are going through. She could prob. just lie and say she saw them torture Finn and now he’s dead (even if he weren’t even dead lol) and get away with it since she’s such a good liar generally and has no qualms about it.

What about anything she has experienced here makes Abby think that “showing Indra she understands her pain” will do literally anything?

I actually think Finn’s desire not to shoot that Grounder when he could, and would have had some reason to, is interesting--like he really did snap at the beginning of the season, and now he’s more “himself” again. I know this whole story line was devised to get him off the show but it actually could have, hypothetically, been a good exploration of living with long-term guilt, integrating a part of yourself you didn’t think existed into your more general, and still mostly accurate, vision of yourself. (There are a lot of other characters who could do this too obviously... Finn’s really the only one that I can think of who just snapped out of and then back into place, though.)

Damn that burned out dropship. (Definitely did not describe it right in that fic whoah-well.)

“Murphy, what are you doing here?” / “I believe I was invited.” Murphy just wants to be one of the group, ultimately. I really do believe that. I find it kind of touching and sad. (Especially since he’s only there to be thrown to the wolves by Raven lol. Not quite as hard to watch as him shooting her but close.)

Nurse!Murphy back at it again, helping Bellamy with Clarke.

I’m sorry but I just really don’t get why Finn is the hill Abby wants to die on lol. Yeah he’s your daughter’s friend and you’re rightfully guilty about the 100 situation and he’s only 17 or so but--he actually did what the Grounders said he did? NOW is the time to go all peace and love with Indra like ‘let’s stop the blooodshed!!!’?? Okay well you can start with not condoning war crimes.

People get so up in arms about the Finn cheating thing and honestly, not a great move--but I have some sympathy for the situation. Finn and Raven were not romantically compatible; they’re all young; and feelings really do change. They handle the situation with a remarkable degree of maturity overall--Finn admitting he shouldn’t be let off the hook, Raven emphasizing that they’re family, Clarke refusing to be the other woman in S1, Raven and Clarke becoming friends.

“The things that we’ve done to survive, they don’t define us” is all well and good--for someone suffering from guilt over actual impossible decisions, or self-defense killing, or killing in war. But Finn really didn’t have to kill a bunch of civilians, he didn’t rationally think he had to (he had Murphy there telling him he was being irrational), and he didn’t accomplish anything or serve any loftier goal by killing them. So basically what I’m saying is, Clarke, let him be guilty. He should feel guilty about this. And if you think he should live, he’ll never be able to move on until he acknowledges his wrong-doing.

Similarly, though, “maybe this is who we are now” is also rich--speak for yourself, buddy.

“It’s a capital crime” is such a dumbass thing to say, since the pilot established that “capital” is tied to the age of the perpetrator not the action taken. But I guess just as an audience reminder of the stakes.

Also this says “a year ago” but it clearly wasn’t a year ago--Finn says he’ll only be in the Sky Box for a few months, and he’s still there as of the pilot, and S1 is only about a month long--so Raven is 18, not 19 as she’s usually portrayed.

Anyway saving Raven from getting arrested was a legitimately good and noble thing he did.

I feel like we as a fandom collectively underestimate Raven’s ruthlessness. Like she really would have turned over Murphy instead of Finn and I truly find that sickening. I know that he shot her and that probably contributes to her sense that he’s expendable but it’s just such an obviously insanely wrong thing to do. Even Bellarke, not exactly paragons of virtue here, are like ‘woah, that’s a bridge too far, even for us.’ Also I really think Murphy has a thing for Raven and I really think that he was touched and complimented when she asked him to be part of the group, which just makes the betrayal so much worse--and really hits me in a softer part of myself, because this is more relatable to me than, like, guns and war.

Never a good sign when your friend says a prayer to you solemnly before just leaving for a few minutes.

Honestly it’s so... like darkly comic that after an entire episode of people talking about Finn, he ultimately just surrenders himself. Fitting. Satisfying.

Ugh, Kane’s that annoying guy who calls men younger than him “son.”

Okay the last ten minutes is just like gratuitous sadness.

So like basically we’re to assume from that conversation with Lincoln that Kane’s allegedly great idea about Ark justice wouldn’t have worked out, I guess?

I don’t agree with Lxa on anything but this isn’t a hill I would die on if I were her, either. Like maybe sometimes showing mercy can be revolutionary and maybe you can even get away with it--but this isn’t the situation where that’s possible. Finn isn’t a child by their standards (he’s probably about Lexa’s age?) and he isn’t an innocent. So “show my people how powerful you are” isn’t a great argument. She isn’t powerful enough to stop an execution like this, one so popular and--unnecessary torture aside--basically justified according to the laws and customs of the relevant societies.

Also super pisses me off that Clarke is comparing herself and Finn. Burning 300 warriors during a battle in order to save yourself is absolutely not the same as opening fire on a village of civilians and she is certainly smart enough to know the difference. I know--an emotional time, a last ditch effort. But I’m annoyed because having watched 4 seasons of this show and tumblr-watched a couple more I LEGITIMATELY do not know if the writers understand the difference. Like I think I might be supposed to be taking Clarke seriously here.

Like Clarke does need to wrestle with her own guilt--but this is still nuts.

Also she has never actually wrestled with her own guilt and neither has anyone else: it’s either ‘woe is me I’m so guilty’ or ‘what guilt? lol’

I mean Olav has already done the whining about his own un-atoned sin thing WAY better so....

ALTHOUGH back to everything I said about Kane’s proposal--ultimately, that’s what Clarke just unilaterally did: she executed Finn, which is probably what any fairly applied bit of Arker justice would have decreed--without torturing him--dealt with his very real crime on Camp Jaha’s terms, basically, not the Grounders’. And Lexa accepted this because it was too late to change it and ultimately she’d already gotten pretty close to what she wanted and could see that there was more to extract from Clarke’s people (as anti-MW allies) alive than dead.

This is obviously a very emotional and wrenching scene but I just can’t allow myself to feel it right now because I’m very upset and this is my distraction.

I do remember being actually floored when I watched it the first time though.

I’m going to tentatively say I agree with the opinion that Raven never got over Finn’s death and Clarke’s part in it--that they were never truly friends again after this.

Bravenlarke are such a physically attractive ot3.

Overall a good episode but not a fun or enjoyable episode. I miss my MW kids.

#the year 2020 #2020: t100 s2 #the 100 rewatch #the 100

[axiomandidiom-blog]

This was made for kids in high school and I did it anyway

1:Is there a boy/girl in your life?

No

2:Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

I don't know who that would be, but probably. I assume I've forgiven them if I can't remember. Unless we're counting me, in which case, no. I have not forgiven myself.

3:What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

Cats. But, like, TV cats. I don't think of real cats as making this noise.

4:What’s something you really want right now?

Money. Which is stupid. I have money, or enough. I guess actually I want money so I don't have to plan my spending, and I don't want to plan my spending because I'm scared of numbers and because I don't like cooking and because I can't keep anything in the fridge without it rotting, as food tends to do if you forget about it and leave it in there.

5:Are you afraid of falling in love?

No. I am afraid that I am unlovable. I don't think I'm a person most of the time. I can't do things people can do. I'm something less-than.

6:Do you like the beach?

I adore the beach. I should go.

7:Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

I think I've been asleep while some nephew was sitting on me. If that counts. Otherwise no. I haven't had an opportunity to in many years, and I don't like touching people mostly, and I can't really sit still without fidgeting and that makes me nervous when in situations where I have to sleep near someone. I almost can't believe I typed that. I'm the fucking worst.

8:What’s the background on your cell?

Default. D:. I've never thought of changing it. What's wrong with me? What would I even put there? People? Friends? I don't like any of my friends enough to do that. It would have to be a pretty hilarious picture.

9:Name the last four beds you were sat on?

Mine, my roommate's... some of the bonus ones at my parents' house I guess. I don't go in people's bedrooms.

10:Do you like your phone?

Kinda shit tbqh fam

11:Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

I've never been a planner. I kind of always assume I'm going to die imminently. I think that's called “generalized anxiety” but it's my experience of life. If this is a roundabout way of asking if I feel like I've accomplished anything, the answer is no.

12:Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

Either my therapist :X or the phone at work, idk on the timing exactly they both happened kinda recently

13:Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

I don't like dogs. But man do I hate poodles. Rottweiler might be okay if I could get it to be nice (I'm aware this is dependent mostly on me, and frankly I'm irresponsible af)

14:Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

Does anyone say physical? I mean I get headaches sometimes and I can't really do anything but wallow when that happens, and I'm in fairly constant emotional turmoil and it doesn't stop me from going to work or doing my laundry or anything. So idk. But fuck emotional pain. At least I know the physical pain will go away. At least physical pain has causes I can identify, things I can do to prevent or mollify it. Emotional pain is just mind poison and you can't get it out and you can't stop it.

15:Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

Art museum. I don't like animals really.

16:Are you tired?

Typically.

17:How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

Like 2 months. I assume this means first in alphabetical order, cause I got no way of determining any other order that I know of.

18:Are they a relative?

Nah. Friend of a friend who played DnD with me a couple of times. She's cool but I can tell from the way she talks to me that I don't make much sense to her.

19:Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

Just the one. And no. I think that would just make me hurt worse. I think I'm poison, and I think other people are poison too. And I'm still really mad at her for like no reason. And I'm still upset about the entire thing. Why did I do that? Why did I do anything?

20:When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

2009. So like ~7 years. Same person as last answer. I don't want to talk to her. I see her around sometimes and all I feel is shame.

21:If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

I don't believe in marriage, I don't believe in other people, and I don't believe in tomorrow.

22:Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

I think I would just start crying instead.

23:How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

0. I don't do adornments.

24:Is there a certain quote you live by?

Everybody else is just trying to get by, too. If you can do anything to make it easier for them, do it. Also, I don't like to be first and I don't like to be last. I don't think those are quotes but they inform my thinking a lot.

25:What’s on your mind?

I'm horrible. I wish I was a better person. I wish I was thin. I wish my skin was better. I wish I wasn't so abrasive or critical. I wish I didn't get tired of people. I wish I was better at talking and making people feel like I'm interested in them, I think people who can do that have a better time. I wish my brain worked right. I wish I could keep things together in my head and in my life.

26:Do you have any tattoos?

No. I don't like anything enough to tattoo it on me. I don't generally believe the events in my life have meaning, let alone have enough meaning to be converted to a symbol and affixed to my skin.

27:What is your favorite color?

Orange, followed closely by green.

28:Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

Possibly never.

29:Who are you texting?

My friend group.

30:Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

Yeah. Was many years ago. But we did more than that on couches.

31:Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

Yes but that doesn't mean anything. I feel like something bad is always about to happen and sometimes bad things happen. There's no causal relationship there, and not even a particularly strong correlational one.

32:Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

I like to talk to my friend J when she's around. I feel like she understands me and likes me. She's an old friend's sister, and the daughter of my mom's friend. I'm not really friends with her brother any more but I still like and talk to J. Just, not very often. I wish I was better friends with my friend E's fiance but I dunno how to make that happen.

33:Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

Good feelings? I dunno, I think some of my friends think I'm okay. Romantic feelings? Lol who would that even be. If there is, they should say something to me because I'm p oblivious. But no, I doubt it.

34:Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

Maybe? Not many people look into my eyes, and I don't like looking into the eyes of other people.

35:Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

I'd probably leave. I assume (I hope, on some level) she is kissing someone, because that would mean she was with or pursuing someone, and I want that for her if that's what she wants. I also would feel really, really bad, and go outside and look at the sky and think about how shitty I am.

36:Were you single on Valentines Day?

For the last 7 years

37:Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

No. Don't want to be. I don't think I could do that. I think I used to want to, or think I could, and somehow that feeling has shriveled and all that's left are fear and anger and sadness.

38:What do your friends call you?

My name. :/

39:Has anyone upset you in the last week?

Yeah. Lots of. Not on purpose I don't think. I just tend to ruminate and let things accumulate until I'm just all sorts of a mess. And that's been like that for the last 28 years.

40:Have you ever cried over a text?

I don't remember. Don't think so.

41:Where’s your last bruise located?

Arms probably.

42:What is it from?

Dunno. I bruise super easily, and I bump into stuff a lot.

43:Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

Couple months ago was the last time I thought about seriously leaving my situation. Before I got a job. I also have some persistent but passive suicidal ideation and if I'm being rational I can think “you don't want to die, you just want to not be doing what you're doing or going through what you're going through,” and that helps a little.

44:Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

Friend E. Just making plans I think.

45:Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

No. I don't keep them long enough for that. I wear them until they fall off.

46:Do you wear hats if you're having a bad hair day?

What does this mean? I wear hats when I haven't washed my hair in a few days and I look shitty.

47:Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

I have been bald, not sure it was the style. I would do it again, it just isn't super socially acceptable.

48:Do you make supper for your family?

Lol what family. And I'm a garbage cook.

49:Does your bedroom have a door?

No I live in a cave and I drape a sheet over the entrance.

50:Top 3 web-pages?

Sfw, I like certain reddits, giant in the playground is cool too, love me some twitch.

51:Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

Me and everyone who has the attention problems I do.

52:Does anything on your body hurt?

Not at the moment.

53:Are goodbyes hard for you?

Depends on the permanence. The act itself isn't. I'm not so great at dealing with the aftermath.

54:What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

Who can say, I do this all the time, it's a miracle I keep myself clean at all ever.

55:How is your hair?

Short, and garbage.

56:What do you usually do first in the morning?

Look at my phone, try and get some music playing, helps me get up.

57:Do you think two people can last forever?

All permanence is an illusion.

58:Think back to January 2007, were you single?

Yeah.

59:Green or purple grapes?

Green.

60:When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

Next time I feel bad for them, or next time I see someone I haven't in a while and that I like (this is p rare), I don't like touching people.

61:Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

Yes, and no. Yes because always I wish my life was not my life, no because I like my bed, it's a nice bed.

62:When will be the next time you text someone?

Tomorrow sometime probably.

63:Where will you be 5 hours from now?

Here, sleeping hopefully.

64:What were you doing at 8 this morning.

Think I was still asleep.

65:This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

I don't like people. I haven't felt attraction to anyone in a long time, until recently, when I stopped taking some of the drugs I take. I frankly don't know what to do with this feeling and it's upsetting to me and makes me feel alone and pointless and horrible. How come other people get to have this thing I can't have?

66:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

No.

67:Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

Niece/Nephews, other misc family.

68:What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

Anxiety about church today. It was bad but not as bad as I thought it would be.

69:Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

This is what life is. You have asked me if I have been alive, and by my count I've got 28+ years of living behind me.

70:How many windows are open on your computer?

4

71:How many fingers do you have?

Is this a trick question? I have 12 like everybody else.

72:What is your ringtone?

Keep it silent. Heartbeat buzz pattern.

73:How old will you be in 5 months?

Just turned 29. RIP

74:Where is your Mum right now?

At her house.

75:Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

What a dreadful question. Because she got tired of me? Because I don't know what love is or means? Because I'm garbage? Fuck you question 75 you made me sad.

76:Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

I. Don't. Like. Touching. People.

77:Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

Yes. Hopefully always. They are the only things in my life that make me feel good.

78:Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

Like, 7th grade? Fuck me. Uh. Yes. Ansley. I dunno why. She was mean and sharp and sad. She dated a friend of mine and was awful to him. I'm a messed up person.

79:Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

My brother.

80:Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

Yes.

81:How many people have you liked in the past three months?

???

Zero mostly. Though as mentioned above I've been recovering my sense of attraction to people. But I don't interact with anyone consistently enough to, uh, 'like' them.

82:Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

My roommate. It's hot in here and it's usually no pants o'clock. It's not weird, you're weird for thinking it's weird.

83:Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

No, because no and because there is no person.

84:You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

I've never been drunk. I don't yell at people. I drive around with my roommate and other friends though.

85:If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

Is it disrupting their life? Is it a problem? Are they hurting themselves? If yes, then yes.

86:What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

Ate dinner with my family tonight, Uncle+Aunt (in law), both brothers, niece/nephews.

87:Who was your last received call from?

I think a debt collector, smdh.

88:If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

Yeah. I'd be upset about it though. Look we all live with certain unpleasant realities, I don't have any control over that, I can't just not exist in this world where someone offered me $1000 to kill a living creature in a horrible manner just to see what kind of detrimental effect it would have on my psyche. Also, it's an insect. It's basically a really complicated robot. If it was a cat or something I'd say fuck no, probably to any amount of money.

89:What is something you wish you had more of?

Attention and Concentration.

90:Have you ever trusted someone too much?

Maybe? It's been a while since I've been taken abject advantage of.

91:Do you sleep with your window open?

When it's too damn hot, yeah.

92:Do you get along with girls?

About as well as I get along with other types of humans, which is to say, no. I'm agreeable and conflict averse but I'm not really engaging and I don't like to be engaged.

93:Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

Does it qualify if there's an obvious truth and a path to change in my own life and I can't see it or refuse to acknowledge its existence? Because this might be the case.

94:Does sex mean love?

No? Does anyone think this? I think the problem here is one of equivocation. If you think sex means love you necessarily don't have the same definition of love that I do. It means your definition of love is sex. So what you're saying is do I think (word x) means sex, in which case, maybe it does, sometimes words have synonyms. But if you're asking me if I equate my idea of love with my idea of sex, then no, those are different things, specificity in definition is what leads to knowledge and understanding.

95:You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

Maybe that would make us talk. I think I would have a panic attack, though. I think that would be a conversation I wouldn't want to have. I would want her to tell me there's nothing wrong with me and that we weren't right for each other, and that would would go a long way maybe.

96:Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

Nope.

97:Did you sleep alone this week?

For. 7. Years.

98:Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

I find fault with the premise; if everybody has somebody that makes them happy, and I don't have that, am I not everybody? I already know I'm not everybody. If we're starting from the assumption that the former is true, how could the latter be not true if we assume the former? If we can't assume the former, then the question should read, “Do you have somebody that makes you happy?” which was alluded to in an earlier question. And no, I don't. I'm aware that mostly I'm in control of my own emotions, or that I'm in control of my interpretation of information and evidence which has an effect on my emotional state.

99:Do you believe in love at first sight?

No, for the reasons put forward in question 94. To believe in the above I would need to equate attraction with love and I don't. I do believe in attraction, and that attraction is (initially) strongly dependent on sight for some people, and also that physical attraction is not an indicator of future relationship or of compatibility (though it might be a precursor to a sexual liaison, and there's nothing wrong with that. And yeah, I am speaking only about other people. I don't do that, don't think I would want to do that with a rando).

100:Who was the last person that you pinky promise?

I wrote a short script where two characters have a special promise called a “chigsy swear” where they both brush their chins with wiggling fingers and say “not by the hair on my chigsy chig chigs.” This is the closes approximation to the question I can recall.