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hatsunevitu · 11 months

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okay so since the Cupid Ye was aired i’ve been constantly thinking about cartman’s mental condition. we know he’s probably taking medication now, so i hc him having antisocial personality disorder and bipolar disorder. and i’ve been imagining him having his depression episode for the first time after he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. he’s not used to it, he has no idea what’s going on and why he suddenly feels so tired and numb all the time, so he just stays at home skipping school and avoiding social contacts. he’s scared and the “it’s all because of your illness, poopsikins!” from his mother doesn’t help at all.

and sooo i wrote a short moment about this?? i’m sorry for any mistakes because it was originally written in my native language, not in english :(

***

Ever since early childhood it was clear and obvious to everyone that Eric Cartman had problems. Not even like that, Kyle corrected himself in his thoughts. Eric Cartman had Problems. Sociopathy, sadism, aggression – all that a person could notice in Cartman after only half an hour of communication.

And Kyle wasn't too surprised when bipolar disorder was added to all of the above in a sloppy psychiatrist’s handwriting.

By the time Cartman was finally diagnosed he had already gone through several phases of mania. Kyle even did a little research on the disorder. "To know what to prepare for the next time I meet this psycho," he told Stan. "And to know how to help him if necessary," he added silently to himself.

By the age of fifteen, Stan's company was already used to Cartman's regular explosive mood swings, which were accompanied by crazy ideas, aggressive behavior, and, if absolutely unlucky, deaths of a couple or more people.

It was typical: after a short break, Cartman would burst into Kyle's room (often through the window), start showering him with business plans, startup ideas, and opportunities to have extreme fun. Kyle was silent, trying his best to ignore him and frowning irritably when Cartman smiled ecstatically and rushed to Kyle, tugging at his sleeve and almost shouting that everything would be better this time and that it’s a one hundred percent successful scheme.

For some time Broflovski genuinely believed that everyone in their friends group was going through such tortures, but after a short questioning, he found out that they had not seen Eric's mania with their own eyes. Kyle understood — and they won’t, when Cartman just chuckled at the outraged "What the fuck, Fatass?" and replied, "I guess you're just special, Kahl. They wouldn't understand." His eyes flashed especially maliciously, and Kyle looked away hastily so as not to give Cartman the opportunity to start another fight.

Well, all in all, no one's world collapsed when Cartman was diagnosed with a new mental illness. Over the past months of insane hallucinations and obsessive intrusive thoughts, he managed to make everyone sick of him. He refused to go to the therapy sessions for a long time, shouting, running away and trying to get into a fight, and Liane was too afraid to find out another unpleasant truth about her son, preferring to go with the flow and shut him up with the fulfillment of every single of his whims. Kyle doubts that anyone would have done anything to help Cartman if he hadn't intervened. Why – it was unclear to Broflovski himself, but Cartman's first depressive phase hit them both unexpectedly too hard.

Disappearing from everyone’s sight for two weeks, Cartman ignored calls and messages (although Kyle had a serious doubt that anyone other than Butters and Broflovski himself texted him) and skipped school despite Mr. Harrison's threats of expulsion.

Liane avoided answering questions, pursing her lips in frustration and talking her way out with a trivial "He's sick." Kyle didn't believe a damn second, knowing that if Cartman was sick, Kyle would have known about it the very first. Something was wrong. For some reason, the desire to find out what exactly was much stronger than it should have been when it came to Eric Cartman.

***

Perhaps Kyle really shouldn't have worried so much — not to the point of climbing into Eric's window at night. But the Cartmans hadn't opened the front door all day, and by that time Kyle's nerves were so stretched that they threatened to break if he didn't get answers to his questions in the next few minutes. Disturbing thoughts and images of possible turn of events appeared in his head. Perhaps Cartman was dead? Or, on the contrary, has killed someone and had been dissolving dismembered body of his victim for two weeks? One option was no better than the other, but nothing was even close to what he saw in Eric's bedroom.

Haggard, seven kilograms thinner, with an unhealthy skin color and bags under his eyes, he looked painfully wrong, not Cartman-like. He didn’t look exactly ill — more like lifelessly tired. But that wasn't even what hit Kyle so hard.

He did not suspect how much had been hidden in Cartman's eyes before – lively fire, hatred, anger, enthusiasm, passion – all this was gone, dissolved, buried under this empty, dead, unblinking gaze. For a second Kyle even thought (hoped?) that he was really dead, but the heaving chest under the blanket and almost inaudible sound of breathing exposed life in Cartman. He was lying on his back, his head slowly turned towards the window. Kyle sought recognition on his face, but did not see a single shade of any emotions.

He froze in the window, making eye contact with Eric, feeling like he saw something he shouldn't have. He tried to revive the old familiar hatred that usually boiled in him as soon as their eyes met, but Cartman’s emptiness totally killed all the anger. Kyle climbed through the window – Cartman didn't react in any way, lazily closing his eyes – and walked up to the bed, touching his shoulder timidly.

“Hey, Cartman?” he said, shuddering at the way his voice echoed throughout the bedroom. Cartman didn’t open his eyes but smiled hardly visibly.

“Hey, jew”. His voice was empty and emotionless and Kyle pursed his lips with a bit of a pain.

“You need to see a doctor, Cartman”, he said firmly as Eric finally opened one eye disinterestedly. “I’ll help you. I promise”.

And he did.

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mono-socke · 2 days

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Day 26: Shadow

#be more chill #jeremy heere #micheal mell #the squip #squip #squipril #squipril 2024 #me doing art #yes i know i'm still late with these prompts #let me just be proud for still doing them #okay #anyway #this would also lowkes fit under the prompt for day 29 but shh #my ideas arent the best #also #if anyone actually reads the tags #does anyone have any ideas which bmc characters i could draw related to the song 'best worst mistake'#?#(yes you might get if/then fanart soon)

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ittyybittybaker · 2 months

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Rating: Not Rated

Relationship: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard

Characters: Neil Josten, Andrew Minyard, Betsy Dobson

Tags: POV Andrew Minyard, Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Andrew Minyard Loves Neil Josten, Established Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Soft Neil Josten Andrew Minyard

Summary:

The problem was, Andrew didn’t know what he wanted. Wanting something was such a foreign concept to him. His whole childhood, he just wished he would disappear. The only thing he wanted was for his next foster home to not be as bad as his current one, and that never happened. When he finally found his family, all he really wanted was to keep them there with him at all costs. And if he was being really honest with himself, he had dug his claws in so deep that he had almost pushed them away entirely in the process.

He had wanted hookups, but only on his terms, and it was always just a means to an end. He wanted Neil. He wanted him so bad Andrew had thought it was a side effect of the drugs. But after Easthaven, Neil was still there and Andrew still wanted him. Getting to have Neil and his family should be enough, he never thought about wanting anything beyond that. But ever since their conversation on the roof, it was all Andrew could think about and it was driving him crazy.

or, Andrew thinks about Wanting and has a (very Mild) crisis about it.

My entry for @aftg-mixtape is a gift for Vievie_333 and also my very first fic! I hope y'all enjoy!!

Inspired by This Boy by Franz Ferdinand

Title from Guilty Pleasure by Chappell Roan

(See also: a mix of songs I listened to while writing!)

#andreil #aftg #neil josten #andrew minyard #aftg mixtape #my writing #MY FIRST FIC OH MY GOD #I was truly worried that I wouldn't get it finished #BUT HERE IT IS #if there's any mistakes ... she was NOT beta'd #so let me know #but I'm VERY proud of it and also of myself for doing it !!!!#I truly hope people like it #especially the person it's for bc I really don't think it's what they were expecting 😅

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123pixieaod · 8 months

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oh my god your girl daniel was so amazing!!! it was such a treat to read and if you ever have any more thoughts about that universe i would love to hear it!!! <3

Anon, do I ever!!!!

Firstly thank you so much for the kind words 💖 I had never written girl Daniel before so I'm so happy you think she works :)))

Secondly, yes. Yes I do. You have either opened Pandoras Box or a can of worms, depending on which allegory takes your fancy, because I literally cannot stop thinking about insecure Girl Daniel, and what would happen next to her (so I apologise in advance for the upcoming rambles lol).

So, after the time in the gym, Daniel phones Michelle and Michelle has about zero sympathy for her because she is a Working Mother™️ and thinks (possibly correctly) Daniel is a single millionaire professional sportswoman and has no right to be having problems (again going back to this deep rooted misogyny that for a woman having a family is the most important calling for them, and everything else paled in comparison).

And basically Michelle tells Daniel that of course Max would say and think that because Daniel always acts like a 'one of the boys', even as a little child, and dresses as if she doesn't care what people think of her (jealousy now from Michelle that she never felt like she could be that free???)

So Daniel gets off the call and basically decides to change, and the first thing she does is gets fake nails put on. And she goes for these little gell ones with flowers on because Flowers are Feminine.

But at the next race weekend, walking back after the press conference with Max, she realises that the nail onher ring finger has fallen off and just starts to ... cry. Because it feels like the universe's big fat way of telling her she's never going to be desirable and no man will ever want to marry her (and ofc by no man she means Max, but accepting how utterly in love with him she is feels like defeat in a different way). And Max is walking with her to the motorhome of Red Bull/ Alpha Tauri and is slightly freaking out because 😰why is Daniel just staring at her hands😰why is she nearly crying😰 and he asks and that does make her burst into tears because she just feels so pathetic in that moment, and the only thing she can say is one of her new gel nails fell off and she walks away before he can say anything else.

That evening she pretends she's feeling a bit unwell so gets to stay in her driver room and eat dinner alone and feels slightly less miserable because she now has an Even Better Plan ™️ and so she pulls off all the fake nails (flowers? How old is she, six?) and calls her mum asking for advice and is half way through listening to her mums step by step process for straightening her hair when there's a knock on her door and it's Max holding out the lost nail. And as soon as Daniel opens the door he marches in complaining that she should be more careful and that it was under the couch and he got such strange looks from the staff so the next time she should not be so upset over a nail and instead just take another from the box and replace it, and all Daniel is able to say is she didn't buy the gell nails in a box she got them done directly at a nail salon and Max just blinks out at her. And then nods, and mumbles that Kelly orders her online and they come on a box with extra. He looks away as he gentle places the sole gell nail down on her table.

"I suppose it is a good thing then I got it for you, if you had no spares," he mumbles, cheeks suddenly warm, and Daniel just nods and stutters a "thank you" and Max nods again as if they've both been caught doing something embarrassing and leaves quickly. And then Daniel is staring at the nail that Max went back and searched for and found, just for her, and then goes to retrieve all the others she ripped off and begins to carefully glue them back on, refusing to think about what any of it could mean.

ANYWAY then it's time for Daniel's Big Plan™️. This is where she gets her hair professionally straightened and begins to smile with only her lips and tries not to laugh because Girls Don't Have Loud Honking Laughs and wears long sleeves to hide her tattoos and when she's going out she wears dresses and she finally shaves her legs and she learns to wear makeup and trims her eyebrows and waxes the hair on her upper lip and begins to wear jewellery (but only clipon earrings because her race engineer tells her she would be a fucking idiot to try and get her ears pieced and then expect them to not get infected while wearing a racing helmet).

And for a while, she feels good. She feels really good. She likes the way her mother keeps texting her photos that the f1 photographers take of her and telling her how beautiful she looks now. She likes her sister texting her advice on which shoes go with which dresses and saying she's glad Daniel's finally grown up ("usually the tomboy phase only lasts a few years, not two and a bit decades, but at least you're out the other side of it"). She gets attention too, papers writing of "Ricciardo's New Look!" and articles on her "killer figure previously hidden under oversized clothing".

She likes it and she lives for the moment at at a party when they're both drunk and Max brushes his fingers over her long, silver, dangley earrings, saying "pretty," and Daniel feels her chest contracting and Max suddenly drops his hand as if the silver burns, and he looks at her and she looks back and he blinks, Maldives-blue eyes meeting her dark ones lined with eyeliner. "Thanks," she whispers, and he just jerks a nod and then takes a step back, as if there wasn't enough oxygen for the two of them that close together.

But then it slowly turns sour. She gets tired of constantly trying, constantly waking up early to do her makeup and constantly ignoring her favourite, baggy clothes in favour of new, tight shirts and dresses her sister recommends. Her mother sends her another photo, but this time it's just accompanied with "That's a bit revealing don't you think Dani?" When she facetimes her dad with her new smooth, straight hair and makeup and a smile that's always closelipped, he looks sad as he smiles back at her.

She comes P3 at the race before the summer break, and goes out wearing a sequined purple dress her sister encouraged her to buy, which once she wouldn't even consider wearing (she knows her mother would call it borderline obscene with its plunging neck line and high hem). At the last moment, she puts on the earrings Max complimented, refusing to think about the warmth in her chest as she clips them on.

At the party, she gets drunk and finds Max, and he's drinking and Kelly is there too, and she just looks so perfect, and suddenly Daniel feels like a little girl playing dress up. It all comes so natural to Kelly. She doesn't have to try to be feminine and beautiful. She just is. And Max isn't. No matter how many dresses she buys or makeup, she wears or hair heels she nearly twists her ankles on, she won't be Kelly. That's the sort of beauty you're born with, the sort Daniel is so clearly deficient in.

She wants to leave, but Max sees her before she can and weaves his way to her. His cheeks are flushed from drink, and he's wearing a white shirt with the top buttons undone, and he looks so good that she wants to die. "Your earrings," he says, blinking at them before meeting her gaze. "I talked to Victoria. About you."

"Cheers for letting me know," Daniel tries to make a joke but it sounds too bitter to land. Max frowns, no doubt picking up on her tone.

"No, I mean... what I said about you earrings. Last time. About them being pretty."

Daniel suddenly can't breathe. The club is too busy, too dark, too noisy, too much. She wants to leave, wants to suspend this moment in Amber and let his sentence stay unfinished.

"I did not mean it."

And Daniel barks a laugh, her chest aching like it's being crushed. She's so fucking stupid.

"No wait," Max says quickly, cheeks growing hotter. "I did not - I mean, of course I meant it. But they are just earrings. They are pretty because you are wearing them, and you are pretty. I do not -"

"Hi," Kelly materialises beside them, wrapping a perfect, unblemished arm around Max's waist. "Congratulations on the podium Daniel," she says in her sensual accent, the cadence smooth and so unlike the musical, messy lilt of Daniel's Australian one.

She forces a smile. Close lip. She refuses to look at Max. She makes up some excuse about not having a drink. She leaves them.

And then the night gets even more messy and Daniel gets even more drunk and ends up on the dance floor with some creep who keeps putting his hands on her ass no matter how many times she grabs them and raises them to her waist and then a tiny voice is asking her what the fuck are you doing and she leaves and the air is cold on her cheeks and her bare arms and shaven legs and her smooth hair keeps flying into her eyes and she's hugging herself as she's walking aimlessly, and then someone calls her name and it's Max, looking exhausted but significantly more sober then before.

"I did not mean what I said," he continues stubbornly, an echo of previous words, the moment that triggered her desperate attempt to change, sparking this whole fuck up.

"I looked for you," he says with a frown as if Daniel was a misbehaving child.

She snaps, "Maybe I didn't want to see you," and he blinks as if she's slapped him, as if the thought never even occurred to him.

"Yes you did. You always mean what you say." Daniel hugs herself tighter. She looks away. She wants to cry.

"Yes," he allows after a beat. "Okay, I meant what I said but I did not say it how I meant to. I just meant that the earrings are not the things which made you pretty, that -"

"And Victoria told you to say that, did she?" Daniel says, voice back to bitterness.

"No, she didn't," Max replies, his own tone beginning to sound annoyed, like Daniel is intentionally vexing him. "But she did tell... well, she made me think, and what I think is that you are not very happy, Daniel."

Daniel jerks her head up, staring at him.

"What?"

"Happy," he repeats, brows knitted together. "I do not think you are happy."

Nobody has said that to her. She has been praised or accused, her new look attracting attention and labels and names. But in all the rush and noice and chatter, nobody had said that.

"I am happy," she says after a pause, mind racing. "Of course I'm happy. Why wouldn't I be happy?"

His lips thin. "You do not smile any more. Not like how you used to."

Daniel barks out a laugh, feeling something in her chest constrict even further.

So then they have a Big Argument and Max says he does not understand why she has changed her appearance so much if it's making her so miserable and he does not like how she dresses and acts because she's not laughing or smiling anymore and she is not happy. Daniel snaps back that maybe she doesn't give two shits about what he thinks (the irony burning her from the inside out) and the argument gets even worst and eventually Daniel storms off and Max doesnt follow her.

When she gets home she just lays on her bed and cries and doesn't even bother taking off her makeup, even though she knows her mother would scold her and say she'll get spots.

It's summer break and Daniel watches as Kelly posts photo after photo of Max on holidays with her family, and Daniel just... gives up. She didn't care. It was never possible, because she's not like women like Kelly. She's Daniel, and no amount of straightened hair or revealing dresses will change that.

So she throws it all out. She bags all her new clothes into bin bags and leaves it anonymously outside a charity shop. She throws out all her makeup. She gives her straightener to a alpha tauri worker for their daughter. She lets the hair on her upper lip grow back. She goes back to her baggy shirts and ancient ripped jeans and frizzy hair. She stops caring, and it's one of the most freeing things she's ever done. She's Daniel again, Daniel with the crazy curls and oversized shirts. Daniel. Herself again.

Everyone is disappointed. Her mother barely speaks for the entire facetime they do, her lips thin in disapproval as she takes in Daniel's altered style. Her sister snaps at Daniel for wasting her time looking for advice if she was just going back to not bothering about how she looks. The papers declare "Babe-cardo is gone" and publish photos of her wearing dresses and make up as if it's a eulogy.

She is nervous to see Max again, waiting for his expression to fall as he sees she's back to being messy, ugly Daniel. Instead, his face lights up when he walks into the meeting room and sees her. They haven't spoken since their fight, haven't even texted, but Daniel blurts out a stupid joke about how even under the Mediterranean sun Max still has the colouring of a sickly Victorian child, but Max laughs and then Daniel laugh, back to her honking laugh which makes everyone turn and look at her, and just like that she knows her and Max are back to normal.

Only it's more than normal. When everyone else looks at her like she's a let down, Max smiles as if he never quite wants to stop looking at her. When some reporter asks in a patronising manner if she was trying different hair textures to see which is more aerodynamic, Max replies before Daniel can even begin to form a polite PR answer, pointing out George now has a middle parting, and surely that's much more important news then Daniel's curls, and everyone laughs and looks at George as he blushes and tries to stammer out a response. But Daniel just looks at Max, who looks back from across the opposite side of the interviewing coach. And she grins, and then Max grins back and laughs softly, looking away.

And this is pretty much the point where the tags on the fic begin. Max and Daniel are somehow closer than ever. Max keeps giving her compliments, which is new, but they're always such Max compliments Daniel can't help but laugh as he says them. Like "you are only a few seconds behind me, they is very good" or "Daniel, is your bagpack new it is very lovely and big" about a rucksack he's definitely seen her with about a hundreds time before (((but the compliments are never about her physical appearance, which Daniel never actually realises and possibly Max doesnt even realise it either. She's just Daniel, and it's her smile and her sense of humour and her liveliness which makes her beautiful to Max, not how she styles her hair or which clothes she wears))).

So then Daniel finally wins a race and Max is the first to hug her tightly and tell her how amazing she is and how lovely her drive was and of course if be hasn't had engine problems then she would've had a proper fight on her hands but he is sure it is the first of many podiums they'll share and Daniel's just laughing and hugging him back and on the podium she gets Max to do a shoey but holds her shoe to his lips and watches as the champaign runs down over his lips and the buldge of his Adams apple moves with his swallowing and she suddenly feels very drunk and slightly ill, knowing she can't have any of it but now after making her peace with it.

And down below Kelly is like 🤨🤨🤨 and doesn't understand because Max definitely didn't desire Daniel when she tried to be pretty (not very successfully either, she thinks) so how could he find her desirable now in a sweaty race suit and with inked arms dusted with dark hair and wild curls which are more frizz then anything else and a smile which seems almost cartoonist its so unnaturally big???? But she knows what she saw, watching him gently brush a few wayward curls away which had been glued to Daniel's forehead and cheeks by the champaign, watching him drink from her shoe, watching him smile at Daniel as if she's the only thing he can see.

So that night she gives him an ultimate. He has to stop seeing Daniel, or else she'll leave. And Max is like wtf Kelly isn't like other girls she's secure!!! And it's just Daniel!!!! And Kelly just snaps its pathetic and embarrassing how obviously he pines after the weirdo, and Max just goes very still and Kelly tells him Daniel is probably a lesbian anyway from how she dresses (we bringing all types of internalised misogyny in this fic🫠) and they wouldn't make any sense but him and Kelly are perfect, and Max just nods because he doesn't... him and Kelly make Sense. She's beautiful and classy and his dad tells Max that he picked well with her and people in f1 always tell him how lucky he is to have such a beautiful girlfriend and his mum writes "Max and Kelly" in letters now and somehow Max nodding is equating to him texting Daniel, Kelly dictating exactly what to say.

And Daniel gets the text and just sort of feels herself falling apart and it's so unfair because he said her earrings were pretty and then took it back, how could Kelly possibly think she's a threat to her?? But Daniel does what Max asks and doesn't text him and he doesn't text her and at the next race they acknowledge each other as nothing more then professional coworkers and Daniel wonders if this is what heartbreak is like, and how losing Max as a friend is a thousand times worse than when she admitted to herself he'd never find her desirable.

She goes back to Monaco for the two week break. She buys a photo of a shark, this one swimming and alive and looking so real she swears his eyes follow her. She hangs it in her living room. She loves it. She buys flowers. She cleans her apartment. She tries to learn to bake.

Then, a knock on her door. She's half way through baking a possibly unsaveble batch of brownies (she got the salt and sugar mixed up :((( ) and opens the door with an old Red Bull apron, a lá a Red Bull PR Christmas videos from years back, and hair in a wild mess and tattered Aussie slippers and there's Max. And even before she can comprehend he's standing there with a bouquet of especially drooping flowers he's marching in past her, going to the cabinet to get a vase all while complaining about how awful the florists in Monaco are and how they fucked up his order and how one day he will take her to the Netherlands, proper, not just for a race, and show her the tulips fields and then she will get proper flowers and and and and -

And Daniel is just standing by the still open door, staring at him, distantly wondering if she's astronomically fucked up the oven temperatures and this is CO2 poisoning. Max suddenly stills, stopping mid sentence to worry his lip before turning and blurting out "You're not a lesbian, are you?"

And Daniel is so shocked she bursts out laughing and Max's cheeks flood warm and he quickly says that of course it would be fine if she is, he has lots of gay and bi friends and besides, he knows he likes Daniel in a lot of ways and he would be happy having her as a friend because she's his best one and he -

And Daniel takes pitying on him and finally says no Max I'm not a lesbian and Max just sort of nods and looks away, and Daniel finally shuts the door but can't stop staring at him and then she laughing again, but in delight and happiness and joy as she finally realises what he said and what he meant, and then Max is laughing too and she can still feel the smile on his lips when they kiss.

And they have wonderful, pent-up-longing-finally-released make out session in her kitchen and then Daniel's alarm goes off and they spring apart as if they're teenagers caught misbehaving and Daniel looks at Max and Max looks back at her and then she grins and he looks so relieved and smiles back.

"I have wanted to do that for a long time," Max admits softly, cheeks blazing as he helps Daniel cut the brownies into squares. She looks at him but he won't meet her eye and then it somehow comes out in mutters and blushes that he's liked her for literal years, but of course she would not like someone like him, she's too cool and free and extroverted, and he moved on and Daniel just can't believe it (((Max loves her for things which aren't her physical appearance!!!)))) and tells Max he's an idiot and when he looks up at her in surprise, she kisses him.

And then Max tries her brownie and Daniel is weirdly afraid something mightve changed between them now but he takes one bite and makes a face and tells her she has always been a bit of a shit cook but this is astronomically shit and Daniel laughs and playfully shoves him and then tries a piece and can't even pretend to enjoy it. They throw it out and Max orders from their favourite Chinese and then life gets bigger and bigger and Max doesnt care if Daniel dresses smart or casual or shave or wears make up, but the one thing he insists on is she not straighten her hair again because he likes to wind the curls around his fingers and tug softly on then. Daniel somehow smiles even more and her laugh is even louder but she no longer cares, and the shark painting in her living room continues to watch her with bright, black eyes and Max eats all the ice cream left in her freezer that she hasn't been able to touch and each time she thinks she can't get any happier, Max will or complain about her thick hair clogging up the shower drain or ban her from cooking unless he's there to supervise and keep the salt and sugar separate or or or

And it goes on like that, happy and in love :)))

#sorry i warned i had a LOT of thoughts lol #insecure girl Daniel had both my heart and mind though #i had to give her a hair ending #and Max too who also goes through insecurity lol #we do love insecurity in this house #that and internalised misogyny lol #my fic #cheers for reading!#happy ending not hair ending #but as a girl with wild curls i also needed a happy hair ending for Dani too #I'm sorry for all the spelling mistakes this was very much a stream of consciousness #please let me know any other thoughts you have on insecure Dan girl Dan!#like i said #she really is stuck in my head :)))

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uselessnbee · 1 year

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okay i don't want to be THAT bitch but if El calls out Mike on his bullshit in s5 how the love confession was shit and untrue i do kinda want Mike to turn around and be like "okay well what do you love me for?" because let's be real girl would not have an answer for that 💀

and maybe it would be good to be the last thing that would make her go oh i've never loved him that way either

like yes she totally should throw everything in Mike's face cause she deserves so much better but let's not pretend like she's a good girlfriend to him and it's just Mike being the problem

this fucker has been depressed and struggling for months and like did she ever even ask how is he doing? not her fault but the fact that Mike has been struggling and never once thought about talking to El because he doesn't feel like he can be vulnerable with her? the fact that he pretends he's someone he's not because he feels like she wouldn't want him for who he is? seriously no hate to El i love her to bits and yes Mike is bigger asshole in this but we really need to stop acting like El is perfect and can do no wrong

and that one time in s4 when Mike actually tried to be vulnerable with her and let her know that he understands because he's been bullied his whole life and she just invalidates his feelings and completely dismisses him? i do understand her pov and what she meant but as someone who's also been bullied and have so many people invalidate my feelings and how it affected me and still affects me to this day all the time it really hurt to hear it. the way Mike's feelings are constantly being invalidated and dismissed by both the characters in the show and this fandom just because "others have it worse" really disgusts me

anyways i really just want to point out that this is a relationship. there are two people in this relationship and it all goes both ways. it's not just Mike being an asshole friend and a shitty boyfriend. El isn't really a great girlfriend either and when they were just hanging out together the whole summer it is on El too. they're both just kids trying to do their best and making mistakes we can acknowledge that both of them make some really questionable things so they both can grow and learn

#also isn't it ridiculous that every time we say anything like this about El we need to clarify how nothing is her fault #and she isn't in the wrong at all? like if we can call out Mike or Nancy or anyone else on their bullshit #without acting like they never did anything wrong we should be able to do that with El too #El is a flawed character as well it doesn't mean that we hate her she's trying her best just like everyone else and that's why we love her #but this fandom truly makes her into this perfect angel that can never do anything even remotely wrong and it's annoying #no one in that show is perfect and we need to talk about it more how human they all are #characters don't need to be perfect in order to be loved just like people don't need to be perfect in order to be loved #let us have flawed characters and let us talk about it #their mistakes are part of who they are and their journey let them make them and let them learn from them #and that applies to El too not just Mike thank you for coming to my ted talk #mike wheeler #byler #anti milkvan #not tagging el cause her fans would burn me alive #blue's 'Mike's extreme defender' ramblings #<- finally made a tag for my mike ramblings so if any of yall don't want to see it just block it i know i am annoying hah

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doodleodds · 2 years

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Wow, what a prince~!

Late Shuake week 2022 Day 1 - Flowers

#shuakeweek2022 #akechi goro #kurusu akira #p5 #'theres no shuake in there sophia' yes there is. squint harder #listen ok. listen to me. they are pining. all i am capable of drawing is these two idiots pining.#akira is asking about whether he likes flowers because he doesn't wanna get him a gift he doesn't like ok!!!!#i KNOW its flimsy akeshu i'm sorry lmao. i'll do better in the coming days but i got this idea in my head & couldn't get it out so. there #i know it's not necessarily original but. it just grabbed me by the throat ok #'ooh why did he cut his hand while he's wearing gloves' suspend your disbelief :((( let me make a coloring mistake occasionally ok #and to clear up any remaining doubts NO akira did NOT get akechi knife flowers. i just think akechi should have crazy stalker fans #as a treat.#also lmao can you tell i found a new comic book dots brush today???? i bet u cant because i used it so sparingly and for emphasis (lie)#ANYWAY it's 2 am and i have work in the morning so. i gotta go to bed ^^; hope you guys have been well!#hopefully see you tomorrow for another post....or another two if i can draw fast and catch up lol

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themthistles · 1 year

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something about the way guilt is portrayed in beyond evil. guilt as a state, guilt as a place you're condemned to. 'i will go to hell' 'life is hell' 'you shouldn't even set foot in that hell' but it's not really the hell we think of, not in the traditional sense. hell is where you're supposed to be sent to suffer and repent forever but all of them go there willingly. (that's why han kihwan will never end up there as juwon wants because he feels no remorse over his actions) they choose to stay and let it scorch the life out of them until all that's left is someone hollow and brittle, real person buried beneath the surface in a grave they themselves dug. in that way it's not lee changjin or the water that killed nam sangbae. it's guilt. that's what doomed him in the end. that hell of his own making he never managed to escape. and as he drowned, he probably thought he deserved that too. jeongje's still there until the end but so much of him died long ago. he's a ghost haunting himself. he tells juwon 'if you don't get out quickly, every breath, every moment of your life becomes a nightmare' if you stay that hell alone long enough, that's what happens. at a certain point you can't wake up anymore. you forget how to leave

#there are these parallels between nsb jj and jw #how both of them give him advice that comes from experience #'don't do this you'll regret it' 'don't do this there's no coming back from it' and both times he doesn't listen and ends up just like them #jw's almost a ghost in the beginning like jj but ds and manyang yank him back to life #and then ds doesn't let jw become another nsb he refuses to let him stay in that hell alone he says as much #i think ds learned how to claw his way out a long time ago #what he says in ep14 #'wouldn't regret be a luxury for me'#a luxury #he understands that guilt at its most extreme is ultimately self serving #because it keeps you in this woe me state where you become so obsessed with your own failure that everything else gets drowned out by it #ds does the opposite he decenters himself in his mind focuses on the pain of others instead of his own #'this is how he makes himself happy' this is how he survives #he knows that wallowing in guilt won't do any good won't change anything what's done is done he accepts it #he says 'if i could go back i WOULD do the same thing again because that's all he could ever do #he did what he thought was right at the time now he has to live with it #nsb can't figure that out can't accept his mistakes can't move on from them so he's stuck in the past #he dies stuck in the past #'you want to cry aloud for your mistakes but to tell the truth the world doesn't need any more of that sound' you know?#that i think is the point in the end #but does that ever fuck you up how jj nsb and jw (for a while) are driven by guilt but ds always acts out of love #he has so much of it despite everything #and juwon only surivives because he starts acting out of love and care and devotion instead of shame and remorse #beyond evil

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miabrown007 · 2 months

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going crazy about kaz brekker hours

#HE'S JUST *screams into a pillow*#Inej wants him to be better she NEEDS him to be better and shed his armour and be emotionall vulnerable and honest to her #and every time he tries it life delivers a right hook into his solar plexus and knocks him to hell and back #and time and time again he is made to come to the incorrect conclusion that being vulnerable and soft and caring about anyone ever #is a mistake and a weakness that he isn't allowed that he doesn't deserve #and his only way of getting what he wants and keeping the people he loves safe is if he becomes something that can't love them #like life just continues to punish him for having any kind of feelings #and he can only love them if he kills the part of himself that loves them. like COME ON MAN #i'm literally unwell about this kid (KID HE'S FUCKING 17 LET HIM LIVE)#someone sedate me (well actually don't i need to start reading CK tonight)#Kaz I Am Ruin And Ruination Brekker #and it's so tragic because he has come such a long way during SoC and when Inej asks him to be hers you know he can't do it. he would like #to but he's unable of it like his walls are still built up so high.#and it's fair of her to ask because she needs that and keeping her always at arms length is not viable of Kaz but also that's all he can #currently give her. that's his all and it's not enough and my heart is breaking for them ohmygod #they make me think so much of felonies love square I'LL EAT GLASS #okay. anyway. finished six of crows. i'm normal about them.#mia's reading

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thnxforknowingme · 1 year

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You are the love of my life, Kurt. And I'm pissed off that I have to learn, for the next year, what being alone is gonna be like.

#glee #gleeedit #klaine #blaine anderson #blangst #I mean he was right! they were not good at coping with the change!#anyway look who MADE A GIFSET #if anyone has uhhhh any advice on altering/coloring scenes from TBU so blaine doesn't fade into the bg let me know!#because I have no idea what I'm doing lol #just moving little sliders around arbitrarily #with each gif I learn something new tho #i am so POWERFUL #mine #my gifs #also this is a pro-klaine space okay #it's all about the angst but they GROW okay #they made some mistakes but i love them

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tatakaeeren · 1 year

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GIF Tutorial

Someone asked me how I made my gifs so HD so I decided to write a full step-by-step uuuh babyyy 🎶 tutorial + useful tips on every part of the process.

It is explained in detail, so people with 0% experience can try it for the first time, and the more experienced gif makers can focus on the parts they are interested in 👍 (click on the images to see them bigger)

Disclaimers: I am not a professional, I have learned by trial and error and by watching other amazing creators. I use photoshop CC 2019 in Spanish so some of the names may vary but I tried to use the more accurate English names and used colors as references so even in other languages you can still follow this tutorial.

GIF TUTORIAL STEP BY STEP:

1.- Open photoshop and create a new project. Then go to “files” 🠲 “import” 🠲 “convert video to frames” 🠲 this will send you to your video folder, and from there select the one you want. TIP 1: try always to download it in the best quality possible (1080p or 720p) so you will end up with “cleaner” HD gifs.

2.- When you select your video, then you will have to choose the specific moment or scene you want (you do this by selecting and moving the arrows at the bottom of the image) TIP 2: I usually limit every 2 frames, but if your scene is too short (less than 20 - 25 frames) then I suggest not clicking the limit and leaving it at 0, likewise if your scene has too many frames (over 70) then limit every 3 frames 👍 to make it smaller.

3.- Sometimes when you select your scene, a few extra frames will show up in your timeline, it’s ok, you can delete them by selecting the frames and clicking the trashcan icon at the bottom. Next, don’t forget to change the speed, you do this by selecting all the frames (click the first one then press SHIFT and click the last one, this will select everything), and then click one of the numbers below the image and select “Other”. TIP 3: Usually I use between 0,07 - 0,08 (my fav) - 0,09 from faster to slower. The speed will depend on the gif you are making. TIP 4: If you have PSDs colorings, now it’s time to add them, just click and drag your PSD on top of the image, and remember to make sure it is on top of all the frames and layers ( the ones on the side). Personally, I do it now, because when I do it later in the process there is always a few frames that won't color.

4.- Now that we have our desired frames, speed, and PSD coloring (optional), we need to make it easier to keep editing. So we need to click on the little icon with stripes at the top right corner on top of the timeline (the orange square) 🠲 “Convert timeline into video” 🠲 and now you should have one long frame instead of many single ones.

Now let’s do the same with the layers that are on the right (purple circle), once again click the first layer then shift-click on the last one to select everything 🠲 right click on one of the layers 🠲 “convert into a smart object” 🠲 and now all the layers also become one.

5.- What I like to do next is to cut and then resize (you can do it the other way around if you’d like) select the cutting tool on the left side (light blue circle) and then it is up to you to choose which shape do you want (in the purple circle) there are some basic proportions but you can also make your own.

6.- Now is where all the fun begins. Let’s resize our image so we won’t end up with a giant gif. to do this go to the “Image” tab on top of the screen 🠲 “image size”

TIP 5: To choose a good size, please keep in mind the standard sizes on Tumblr or other social media. If you are using one gif per row then the size should range between 540px - 560px - or 580px / If you are using 2 gifs per row then the size should be around 268px / and if you have 3 per row then the size should be around 177px. Once you select the appropriate size… this is where it gets tricky. Depending on the gif you are making you will have to select a different option ex: if your gif is too blurry or has lots of movement or grains if they are too dark or too light if the colors are too different, all these factors will determine what you need to use. TIP 6: I usually use only 3: bilineal - bicubic reduction or keep details 2.0 (the names may change in English but look for something along those lines or in the same place as the ones in the image with the green ticks)

7.- SHARPENING TIME!: go to “Filter” 🠲 “sharpen” 🠲 “smart sharpen”

As I have mentioned before, the amount will depend on the gif you are making, there is no perfect formula for all the gifs, so you need to play around a bit to find the perfect setting for your specific gif. TIP 7: This is what I normally use: amount: between 250 and 300 / Radius: 0,3px - 0,4px or 0,5 (but never over 0,5) / noise: anything between 0 and 50, now if you have a very blurry scene you can go up to 100 👍 and finally select the option “Grussian blur”.

Tbh I never change the “shadows” and “lighting” settings (they are always 50 -50 -1) If you know how to use them or want to play around, then go for it…. I have no idea how to 🤣 oops.

8.- BLUR: sometimes the gifs look TOO sharp so we need to add a blur filter. so go to “filter” 🠲 “blur” 🠲 “surface blur”

then once again, depending on your needs, you can play around with the settings. TIP 8: I normally use 10-6 / 9-4 / 7-4 or 3 / etc. but I never go over 10.

Also if you are noticing that your gif is still looking a bit blurry or with imperfections, due to the quality of the video, the scene is too complicated, etc. then I recommend adding noise on purpose 🤣 hey! if you can’t fight against the noise then put it on purpose and make the gif with a bit of texture and colors, it will look nice too 👍 go to “filter” 🠲 “noise” and then add the amount you want.

9.- Now we are almost done, you can leave it like that if you want or you can add some extra steps and play around with the brightness, exposure, color balance, gradients, filters, etc. you can find everything on your right (the yellow circle). Here is up to you to explore and experiment, I never use the same, it changes every gifset I make.

10.- You can add your watermark, images, texts, paint with the brushes, or do anything else with your gif. but this time I will skip these steps, but if you need extra information about something, please feel free to ask, and I will gladly help you 😊.

TIP 9: Before you save your gif, please make sure all the things you added are in line with your gif “video frame” 🠲 move the little arrow so it will end perfectly with your gif, if the others are longer, it doesn’t matter, you can move them or you can leave them there, the important thing is that the line is perfectly in line with your gif.

11.- Now there is nothing left to do, it’s finally time to save it for the web. Go to “files” 🠲 “export” 🠲 “save for the web”

TIP 10: Now you have two options: you can view your gif in the “optimized version” tab where it will show you one option that you can edit. If you select this option then these are the settings I always use, the only option that changes is: using pattern (the gif will have a small invisible “net” that will make the gifs look more uniform, use this especially when the lights or shadows and colors look grainy) or you can use Diffusion (to make it smoother and move flowy) you can try both and see which one suits your gif best 👍

and then the easier second option is to click the “4 copies” tab on top of the gif, and it will show you 4 different options, then you just select the one you like the best and it’s ready!

12 .- THE LAST STEP!!! TIP 11: make sure your final gif is smaller than 10MB (Tumblr's limit) and hit SAVE! and you are ready!! ヾ(≧▽≦*)o

This is our final result: A sexy Gojo 💙

Thank you for reading, I hope this helped you, and I can wait to see all of your creations! ✨

Feel free to tag me in your gifsets or to ask me any other question in case you need extra information or need me to explain something better 💖

Also, if you are an expert and would like to comment, change or suggest better steps and/or settings, please let me know! so we can all learn and grow 👍

#gif tutorial #tutorial #mygiftutorial #i apoloogize in advanced for any mistake or bad explanation #I really hope this help you to learn how to make gifs or to learn new steps or settings 💖#allresources #completeresources #rresources #please let me know if im doing something wrong #or if you would like to recommend me better settings or steps #i would gladly accept them! 🥰🥰🥰

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