#except for when stupid shit like this happens

[friesian]

my father is dead and i couldn't be happier.

the following is a sort of. reconciliation/vent post since i just got the news a few hours ago that my father died, and i finally feel like i can sort of talk about everything that happened to me as a child. for the first time. without the threat of potential violence. so. tw for neglect, abuse, parental death and honestly just. a lot. if you don't like the most stereotypical 'bad dad' shit, don't read this post.

my father was a cruel man. it was only until recently i was informed that my father used to actually shake me as a baby, no more than a few days old. when i was a few months old, he used to do the same to watch my 'funny reactions' and had to be actively reprimanded by aunt and mother in order to get him to stop lest i die a very sudden death.

when i was a little kid, my father i guess got this idea in his head that i was a little innocent flower and that if anything touched me, that'd be it. i'd be sullied. i'd be dirtied. somehow 'impure'. mind you, my father wasn't a religious man. really, honestly, the opposite. i wasn't allowed to talk about religion or god, explore spirituality, really have 'faith'. this would earn me hostile looks, a loud scolding, or called stupid. this also might displace onto my mom, who received it much worse than me.

when i was 7, my father made the move to go somewhere out into the deep west virginia mountains where i would never be in danger. except by him. we moved to a place where the closest store was 45 minutes by car, getting home from school was 35 minutes-- not counting school bus routes, that was up to 2-3 hours-- and there was not a single neighbor that could see the house nor talk to us. we were alone. for good. for over 11 years of my life i was alone in a house with a man who grew actively more and more hostile to being in that house. as i aged, tried to be a teenager, explore my gender, sexuality, ect. it was all shut down. my computer-- my only lifeline-- was bugged with spyware that allowed him to look at my screen and take control of anything i was doing. a vivid memory of mine is when i used to write fanfiction of innocent teenager things. kissing, holding hands, professions of love, the usual-- nothing explicit. at some point i was caught and had my computer thrown and i was screamed it. i could only run to my room and cry, and hope i wasn't chased. this left me with no sense of privacy, as any computer or technology i ever got passed through him, and as he was a engineer for networking, most things were bugged by him first as much as i tried to remove them. my mom suffered similarly to i, both of us being called slurs and having things thrown at us for existing in his radius. we walked on eggshells. we had no room to breathe. if we weren't in his general space, we were yelled at for avoiding him. if we were actually there, we were yelled at for laughing or even breathing too loud. there was no right answer. my friends never wanted to visit because of him, or he would often get mad at their parents for being 'flakes' or 'untimely', leading for me to be berated about my choice of friend. i wasn't allowed to go out unless it was with 'other girls', and i didn't have many friends to begin with due to the many social problems i faced due to his neglect. i grew up in that house, with many other issues i can't even begin to list, but i grew up and left as soon as i could, and didn't really do much. mostly just coasted by after dropping out of college that he pressured me to be in, lest i end up homeless. my mom divorced him shortly after i left due to being threatened with a gun, and at that point i was pretty sure he was officially off the deep end. this is sort of my 'getting it off my chest' moment as i was never able to speak out about what i faced in any regard due to him consistently monitoring my online presence. for all i know, he could've known about this blog-- choosing to hold onto it for some sort of legal proceeding as he had done to my mother. he tracked her car, recorded her calls, did everything he could to fuck her over. his father did something similar to him back in the 90s, and i needed to avoid it at all costs.

he never got the chance now. i never felt like i had a father, more like an angry dragon that guarded a tower with someone who didn't wanna be there. some sort of 'king' that transformed into a dragon, i suppose. but, i remember relating a lot to the imagery of people trapped in towers by beasts. i wanted to make a comic about it at one point. 11 years of solidarity does a lot to a motherfucker.

to this hour, i haven't shed a tear. i cheered and celebrated, put on my mask as i'm talking to the funeral home people, family, his friends, whatever it is. i've just been blaise and calm. i have to go back to my 'tower' this weekend and see it for the first time in years, now with the memory of my father dead seeped in those walls.

it's been a relief i didn't know i needed, but that house haunts me with the horrors that went on in it. i guess this is sort of my testimony to his life. i refuse to have a funeral. i refuse to have a memorial. he's being cremated and disposed of as soon as i can. i can already tell what little remains of his side of the family has an issue with it, but i don't care. they didn't live the life me and my mom had, and they never will now. for what it's worth, somehow, even though i was forged in fires that i don't think any man should go through-- it made me a more hardened and aware person. you get time to think when you're alone for 11 years. a lot of time to see emotions, patterns, understand, and just pick things apart. he never knew me, elf, he knew my dead name. and i'm thankful for that. i came out a good man all things considered, i have my flaws and issues, but who doesn't. but at least i never was like him. here's to getting out of the tower.

#ly talks #tw parent death #tw abuse #tw trauma #just. the whole nine yards. #thanks for reading if you did. it feels good to put down words to what i experienced finally. i don't have to be quiet anymore. #i might be quiet-er these next few weeks handling all the legal stuff. sorry.

[beck-nightengale]

oh to be just a dumb deer floating down this river of life

#enderal #enderal forgotten stories #vynblr #jade the prophetess #idk i've been on kind of a vacation from work i guess #and just fucking around leveling up and exploring the game proper like without fussing about making a video of it #except for when stupid shit like this happens #then the recording flips on #love when my deers get all weird and start moonwalking

[fujii-draws]

OKAY! Chatot rant in tags below! Read at your own discretion.

#okay starting from the beginning of where ppl usually dislike him. apple woods chapter. #he doesn’t give hero/partner the CHANCE to explain themselves despite them being relatively good recruits up until that point. #and that legit might be my only gripe with that chapter bc!!! stories need conflict! I LIKE the conflict in apple woods!!! #hero and partner being punished so something they didn’t do! #the misunderstanding! how team skull (Skuntank) actually outplays the main duo with a clever yet rotten trick. I LOVE that it segways into- #one of the more sweeter scenes of guild members looking out for eachother. I LIKE APPLE WOODS CONFLICT. #but chatot just. not giving them a chance. is so dumb. #I’d personally fix this by having a lil montage of hero/partner fucking up on jobs. A LOT. and chatot giving them a pass every time. #and let the perfect apple incident BE the one where he puts his foot down and doesn’t listen to them. bc he’d given them loads of chances. #and doesn’t want to hear any excuse. #but yeah. I legit dont mind him during that chapter except for that really stupid and frustrating moment. #NOW. CHAPTER 17. #UGGGGHHH WHERE DO I BEGIN #Him not believing hero and Partner about Grovyle and the future being in ruin? FINE. ACTUALLY GOOD. BC CHATOT WOULD BE SKEPTIC. #IT FITS HIS CHARACTER!! #BUT WHAT DOES SUCK. IS HIM GOING ‘Dusknoir isn’t the bad guy. he didn��t do anything wrong’ #WHEN HE LITERALLY KIDNAPPED HERO AND PARTNER RIGHT I N F R O N T OF HIM. #(​NO LITERALLY. HIS CHARACTER IS IN THE FRONT ROW WHEN IT HAPPENED.) #and him. having the GALL to tell hero and partner they must’ve been ‘seeing things’ and downplaying the HELL they went through. #despite them being missing for hours/days. his own guild recruits. and his angry sprite showing up. #like. I think that’s when I genuinely despised him. #that and him going ‘OH I BELIEVED YOU THE WHOLE TIME HEEHOO :)’ shit was so fucking annoying. #just playing it off as a joke the second the guild started to believe hero and partner. #IMAGINE IF HE W A S ACTUALLY TESTING THE GUILD’S TRUST. SHOWCASING HIM AS THE MORE RESPONSIBLE AND RESPECTFUL RIGHT HAND OF THE GUILD. #and yes. Brine cave he saves hero and partner. but at that point I just didn’t care anymore. #he fucked those two over so much. that I didn’t care what ‘valiant’ sacrifice he had. #and he grills Team Skull for what they did OFF SCREEN. they couldn’t even give us THAT. #<<< THAT or him outright saying sorry would’ve been nice. IKIK his ‘actions’ or whatever but. #eughh again this is all imo. I’m not trying to make people hate him or change their mind. #I’ll get into positives in the second post cause I’m running out of tags

[bull-shit-suji]

not to like wax poetic about the literary nuances of Black Fucking Butler but i feel i need to point out how insanely campy it is. oh okay cool the butler is throwing butter knives at people with guns and winning. we're battling undertaker's zombie army by starting a boy band (we actually got the idea from the ZOMBIES' boy band). theres a curry making competition and its so important it needs an entire volume and a continuing motif dedicated to it. the Grim Reaper Death Gods are all cornballs with gardening sheers. the contradiction. the unintended irony.

i think the manga is like. toeing the line of camp. like its silly yet takes itself so seriously but its not too silly. my immersion is not broken by the silliness. but the anime is uncharted levels of camp. what the Hell was going on with pluto. you're gonna look me in the eye and tell me the phantomhives own a fifty foot dog thing and no one has noticed. simply one hell of a deer. ice skating. theres opium in funtom candy. the queen of england is maybe a little girl. speaking of which, the city of london just burned down. yeah the whole thing. the fifty foot dog was there too.

it's so ridiculously out of left field and the fact that none of the characters seem to notice or care feels like being gaslit. camp so visceral it's causing psychic damage. i am constantly begging the narrative to break character just once and acknowledge its silliness but doing so would negate the lack of awareness that makes it camp. its dated and timeless. an absolute milestone in camp history.

#it's 2 am im not articulating my thoughts well #just like. ohhhhhhhhg death and demons and walking the line between good and evil #dark acedemia vampire victorian vibes. except theres always some stupid shit happening with no explination. #like i know the tone shifts intentionally sometimes to match the haha comedic moment #thats not what im talking about #i mean when the most ridiculous plotline ever concieved is presented as a life or death situation #and after a while you're like lol this isnt dark at all and then BAM abuse trauma ptsd manipulation cults murders #the bittersweet understanding in clawing your way to the top #knowing the moment your revenge is exacted you will be consumed by the very thing that got you here #and choosing to keep climbing anyways #then boom back on that bullshit here's these motherfuckers in wonderland #the dark tone we had for all that trauma shit will Not be changing because catgirl grelle is just as serious of a topic #okay im going to bed #black butler #kuroshitsuji #sebastian michaelis #manga #ciel phantomhive #textpost #prev rb #oh i think the point i was trying to make it that its good because its camp #would not be nearly as awesome if it werent

[blujayonthewing]

well I just spent an hour digging through my own dnd notes and social media and also almost cried because I mentioned, in passing, something justin had said about one of his NPCs and he, completely lightheartedly, was like '?? I don't remember that at all. [I mean I'm not making it up?] I think you might be making it up 😏'

#me-- instantly stressed and near tears: I know you're joking and it's not even important but. that isn't funny. to me. #I really wish there was a term for 'gaslighting but they're not doing it on purpose' #this is distinct from simply 'being wrong' because 'that's definitely not what happened 🤨' is a key part of it #the other person trying to convince me that I'm wrong and I must be crazy-- not for manipulation purposes but because THEY forgot #and are MUCH more confident in the possibility that I'm completely full of shit than that they maybe can't remember exactly #this is an extraordinarily specific thing that nonetheless happens to me ASTONISHINGLY OFTEN. #I mean clearly often enough that I'm now hair-trigger sensitive upset about it #AND TO CLARIFY QUICKLY-- that's not what justin even did (this time) but 'well I don't remember that' is still... #OKAY WELL I DO. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER BELIEVE ME. #trembling and crying searching for Receipts while explaining to my husband that it's not even that I don't think he believes me (this time) #I just. I just. I just. I'm not fucking crazy. I know you don't think I'm crazy. but I still feel like I Have to prove it. #my mom sending a package to the wrong address and then saying-- confidently and irritably-- 'you never GAVE me a unit number' #when I can scroll back up through texts to where I sent her our new address when we moved and it was complete and correct #my friend during our big stupid fight saying 'no one actually AGREED to that [dnd] plan except you and justin 😒' #going back into my audio recording to that conversation where everyone BUT him agreed #including his fucking pick-me 'yeah jay's being shitty right now' brother whose character said 'this sounds like a good plan' verbatim #like. I KNOW it's not just 'my memory vs theirs and we both assume we're right' #because SO OFTEN when this happens I have FUCKING RECEIPTS. that I'M NOT WRONG OR CRAZY. #no one ever wants to entertain the notion that I might know what I'm talking about. #I can't stress enough that I'm not mad at justin right now he was very much 'no I believe you! it's weird that I don't remember though' #which is fair! honestly! but I'm a LITTLE. sensitive. of the fact that everyone always ALWAYS automatically assumes I'm incorrect #and very often in a way that's a mark against my competence or character. #'well *I* couldn't *possibly* have gotten the address wrong so YOU must have fucked it up' #you know. it's like that. it's like that a lot. #maybe this only happens to me so much because I happen to be cursed with remembering things better than most people #or maybe I'm uniquely viewed as incompetent. who can say. #about me

[emdotcom]

For years, I've been trying to put into words Why I give a single iota about Bendy & the Ink Machine, but it's such a tangled mess that no thread can be seperated -- they're all interwoven in a way that makes it hard to pick them out. The game, overall, makes me miserable, because I can see that there was love put into it, but a lot of it is thrown to the wayside in favor of a story that I think was retroactively improved by the sequel's recontextualizing of it, but is ultimately not worth the price of admission & majorly drops the ball.

It's easy to list things I don't like about it -- the gameplay is sparse, the combat is uninteresting, none of the chapters feel connected, the bugs that assault all my playthroughs & kill my saves are consistent & fill me with dread every time I open the game, the lack of thought in the contents of a chapter (chapter 3's wheel ""puzzle"" & the animatronic Bendy from chapter 4, in specifc, really grind my gears), which speaks to the amateurish & rushed way that the game was crafted -- there's a lot to hate, & it's easy to hate it. But I don't. Despite all that, I am compelled by this game, by what it's trying & failing & trying again to say.

It's really easy to understand why you dislike something. I couldn't have told you much about what I did like, in Ink Machine.

& then, I played Dark Revival. I didn't realize I liked the story of Ink Machine, until I played Dark Revival. It's a better made game, it's just not fucking interesting, to me, because it doesn't have a story worth tuning in to.

#em.txt #negative #idk how better to word this. at no point did i ever consider ink machine to have a good story. it's quite bad. #the devs admitted they spliced in fan ideas & tossed out things as they went in response to the fandom #& it still somehow comes out as more. something. like more substance #& see I didn't think the story was that bad when i played dark revival. & then i rebeat the final bit to unlock #the archives -- much beloved btw. glad they brought them back for the sequel -- & read a character's blurb #& i realized the writers live in an alternate dimension where the ''twist'' they ''put in their game'' actually happened #Everyone i have ever seen play dark revival sees wilson being super telegraphed as evil thr whole game #& gets confused when audrey is like 'okay but he's a good dude though' bc nothing makes that make sense #he does nothing that can be viewed as good except oh wait i need to tag spoils now #batdr spoilers #okay. except for throwing malice in cycle breaker jail bc yeah from Audrey's pov that's prolly a good move #she does try to kill you. that's it though. like it's not that they have a common goal she just decides he's good #from nothing. HE KILLS YOU IN THE FIRST 5 MINS OF THE GAME WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT #she spends a lot of time outbursting at alison bc she's been turned inky & hates it but alison didn't do that she just lives here!!! #she gets more mad at joey for telling her he swooced the ink machine than she does at wilson for trapping her & killing her #& summoning his horde to attack her which causes everyone to become hostile towards her #which btw. he never revokes that even when you defend him & are chilling in his manor #so you're still being attacked & shit even though he's actually like good thoughghhh #& it just makes audrey seem stupid for not realizing the obvious villain is evil & mean to her friends for no reason #i need to stop talking now i am going to explode

[p2iimon]

drawing more furry fnaf art. yknow just to keep you posted. i love posting in the tags sorry these ones got away from me

#sammy is a brown bear (like freddy). his mom is white like funtime freddy #then crying child is blue (like bon bon. and to go with lizzies bonnet pink) (theyre not twins in my au but they definitely act like it. so #its like cute.) mrs. afton is blue violet (rockstar bonnie) bc i was running out of colors. i had already assigned her blue anyway. #max is black bc i seriously ran out of rabbit colors. or! no wait shadow bonnie. thats totally the inspo and not i had made his ears black #already. i think thats literally every rabbit color available. the afton family is pretty big. ig vanny. who would go with vanessa. obvi bu #shes not in my au. or at least not an afton. and therefore not a rabbit. if she was though shed be white. #and if you havent seen any previously drawn ones henry and william are yellow (obviously. they already have fursonas. theyre the reason #everyone else gets one. LOL) micheals purple like classic bonnie (who... is purple even if it was then retconned. hes purple. look at #withered bonnie. i hate ppl who say its just lighting. thats a lie by big blue bonnie. he was literally purple and then he changed his mind #like i said lizzie is pink like bonnet. and then charlie is black like lefty. because duhh. #DONT ask me about how this shit works okay. the rabbit dated the rabbit and the bear dated the bear. bc thats what happened. theres not #here. the bears got divorced. and the rabbits. the yellow rabbit and bear are fucking #no um. i like willry but i think if they were really fucking. i just think things would go differently. henry's gay in my au i dont think i #he actually had a man to fuck he'd manage to have children. its not who he is to me. will is bi but he obv thinks henry is some exception t #him being perfectly normal and straight. everyone wants to fuck their business partner. otherwise youd do it yourself #ig they can fuck after. i hate when people do these boring aus where henry and william never get married and william isnt a murderer and so #like what? theres nothing? just a couple of guys? if im looking for fics where theyre fucking im not looking for a fic where everything is #nice and clean. be serious. can we at least have some angst about it being the 70s or are you too much of a bitch for that too #anyway..... #simons spouting #simons fnaf au #OH also if anyone reads this whats the stance on this stupid idea i have where sammy pretends he has a thing for michael to annoy max. bc. #their parents had a thing for eachother. and sammy and max have a more familial relationship. and michael and charlie have a familial #relationship. but michael and sammy have barely met and do not at all. is it pushing it? i was thinking yknow from sammys perspective that' #'his sons' dad but! like you can fuck your sons dad. that's not weird. unless thats the way youre phrasing it i guess LOL. but i guess #michael would be like. thats 'my sisters' brother. and that is not someone you fuck*. BUT this isnt michaels perspective its sammy being #annoying. and from sammys perspective that is NOT his sister and there for NOT his sisters brother. *also im pretty sure this is subjective #if youre just friends. yknow. the ethics of sammy using this to bother max is not on the table because i think he deserves to be a #a bit of an ass. anyway LMAOO fkdglfg. let me know if youd like ive got anon asks on. please dont judge me for not knowing this.

[giurochedadomani]

The fan favourite, Eddie wasn't dead when they left him in the upside down, Billy finds him, they must fight together to get out, but with a twist: every cycle starts with Billy gasping for air and scrambling to close a chest wound that... Isn't open anymore. Every cycle starts with Eddie flinching violently to get away from the bats.... That turns out to be Billy's hand gently shaking him to wake him up. Billy's not aware than a whole year has passed since his death, they figure out that they're in some kind of loop and have to figure out how to break free before el closes the doors (and somehow save Max in the process)

#Mungrove #billy hargrove #They definitely end up as lovers because I'm weak for mungrove but what is their initial relationship?? #Did they know each other before? What did they think about the other before the mall fire? #I'm a bit partial for besties because then we can find another fan favourite: #Billy pushes people away as a way to keep the mindflyer from hurting them #So then we'd have the very interesting messy starting relationship of: they were besties #For some reason (mindflyer) Billy kickstarted a really bad fight with Eddie #Eddie was really really mad for like. Two weeks. And then as he started having Doubts because Billy was behaving really weirdly? #Did something happen at home or something? #Perhaps Eddie overlooked some important detail. Billy's not the best explaining shit when emotions run high #........that's when Max called him to tell him that Billy had died #Anyway when and how does Billy ask if anyone has cared about his death #And also I'd organize this story with the deaths they go through before they get it right #All the range between stupid deaths like Eddie stepping on one of vecna's branches #To Billy dying and confessing his feelings with his last breath #Mainly because these deaths are So Angsty except when the character comes back to life #And has to actually have another talk with the person they confessed their feelings to

[running-in-the-dark]

I still don't get this stuff, so, I've got a question: do most allosexuals find random people attractive? and does that mean they look at them and think 'I want to have sex with that person'? not just 'that person is very beautiful' or whatever? like if there's a group of people that are their type or whatever, they might think all of them are. idk, interesting in that way?

and how about thinking about people romantically? I don't get how you would know the difference, and, ugh I'm just so confused and stupid and I'm gonna shut up now

#I'm really confused #I'm definitely not fully ace or aro. like *definitely* not #but I mean. like. people who are into men would just think random guys are hot? right? #I'm pretty sure there's just. something wrong with me or whatever. so it doesn't matter #and I just need to stop thinking about it! #and not talk about it because I sound so stupid. but I don't want to look any of it up anymore because that just makes me feel more Wrong #every time #I don't know. it doesn't matter. there's something wrong with me and it's much more than just that so its #irrelevant #:') #I need to start putting my phone far away from my bed tbh. I always think about stupid shit when I'm half asleep and stupid thoughts #automatically end up on here. #I don't know there's really no point to this I'm just frustrated and sad and overwhelmed #I wish I could just. get over this crap. just stop. #like normally it's fine! it's all just people! they're all the same. maybe they're really pretty or handsome and nice to look at. but that's #it that's all there is. and then someone shows up and I get obsessed and then it's just that person. it's never just. oh that guy is hot or #whatever #it's always just. I go insane. #it's probably. idk completely unrelated to anything. it's probably just my obsessive tendencies #but I don't get it! I really never think about this stuff (at all) except when this happens and then. well. there's not much else really. #ugh whatever I'm just fucking stupid and I'm gonna shut up and delete this tomorrow (for real this time I hope) #okay this is far enough down that no one will read it so: do people just. think about having sex or. whatever. with just. people? like oh #he's hot I want to fuck him? is that why people make out with strangers and stuff? I'm in my 30s why do I still not understand this 😭😭😭 #like I'm. not attracted to men or women or whatever it's just. one specific person. and when that's over it's like a switch has been flipped #and there's nothing again #and it's not like. oh I start talking to someone and I learn stuff about them and then I'm attracted to them. that wouldn't even work since #it's been all fictional characters for ages now. like there's no. connection or whatever because. well duh. #ugh I'm too old for this shit #personal

[robotslenderman]

do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and randomly remember something infuriating that someone told you once

#I don't know if they still follow me so I won't mention it #and they're mutuals with at least one of my mutuals #but I'm still furious over how fucking stupid they are #because the shit they were saying is FUCKING DANGEROUS AND KILLS PEOPLE #they were basically saying that something was safe except when Y happened #which is like saying swimming with crocodiles is safe except when they attack you #and patting themselves on the back for being progressive #Dusty has opinions

[pepprs]

hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol

#purrs #delete later #not to liveblog and be tmi or whatever but i feel terribly alone and terribly miserable so this is in fact a cry for help lol. or really #comfort bc im fucking going insane. so for context last spring when i was still an intern another intern orchestrated this back channel #where everyone was supposed to talk shit about our supervisors (my dearest most belovedest mentors) and all of us hid it for months and it #all came to a head at asb 2022 because there was a lot of drama witb the asb student facilitators and our staff team. and it was sooooo ugly #and messy and horrible and probably played a direct role in one of my dearest beloved est mentors (who was the point person for asb) fucking #getting a new job and abandoning us in july lol 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 and so i became a full time staff member and me and my remaining dearest belovedest #colleague besties fucking carried the world on oh r shoulders and put on amazing programs as just 3 of us in the core staff and we thought w #we were doing a really good job with the asb 2023 leaders and that there were no drama dynamics or whatever and guess fucking what. tonight #we found out that half of them hate us for reasons we still don’t know and all of them are at each others throats and also some of the #participants feel a type of way about us. and i know i am being a fragile sensitive crybaby over it but i have had terrible cramps all day a #and have barely slept since ive been here and feel like ive been bending over backwards to support the leaders only to find out that half of #them think we’re evil and i just… i couldn’t take it. so i cried and now im beating myself up for crying. but it’s like come ON. i know we #did a pretty imperfect job of preparing them for this. and i should just take responsibility for that and not be defensive. but it’s like… i #have NEVER seen this program in person before or been part of the planning of it. i was just a student last year like all of you. and also #HOW many fucking times did we create space for you to talk to us and invite us in. and still this shit happened. and i just feel like a #failure. and i couldn’t react to that information in any way except cry liek it’s all so over my head and out of my depth and im not as #emotionally mature as my colleagues bc im the youngest and this is my first time dealing with this and i feel so incompetent and like i #failed. failed the first time by not speaking up when i was implicated in the stupid fucking Google form back channel situation last year #and now failed the second time by not being able to prevent this stupid drama bullshit from happening again and for not catching it. and jfs #like… im in excruciating physical pain and haven’t slept and haven’t eaten well and my life is falling apart and we were ABANDONED BY THE #PERSON WHO WAS RESPONDIBLE FOR THIS (i know we weren’t abandoned she literally just got a new job i just have psychological issues) and #we’ve been running at a million miles per hour with absolutely no break and now you’re mad at us and not even telling us and it’s impacting #everyone’s experiences but you want to pretend this is fucking high school and keep secrets. i am TIRED of drama. i am TIRED of this stupid #bullshit. and not to say this bc i don’t know if asb 2022 drama factored into her decision to leave but if it did i get why * left now. i #get it. bc this shit makes me want to jump out the hotel window. i do not want to face any of them tomorrow and deal with more bullshit. i #am emotionally unstable and incompetent and not equipped to deal with this in a mature healthy way. i want this to be over NOW. im done. #ok i think that’s it um. sorry about that i just needed other people to know i am suffering and i will suppress the shame i feel about that #just this once. esp bc i denied myself the opportunity for my colleague besties to comfort me while i was crying and i regret it now lol

[peapod20001]

LMAO QUICK. WIPE YOUR TEARS BEFORE SOMEONE SEEEESSS YOUUU

#vent #:) !! dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!! #I am in my feelings and I am feeling so many feelings like my heart being torn from my chest and pounded into the floor #and a rage so sickening that I can only get rid of by mutilating someone’s flesh with my teeth and nails #fuck fuck fuck man fucking shit everytime I start to open myself up to someone and share what’s at the core of my being #I let my guard down and shit happens!! why can’t I be normal!! why do I get so attached!!! so fucking needy!!!!!! why do I CARE so deeply #when I’m so easy to be ignored? honestly what am I doing here!! I’m forgettable!!! honestly!! #why talk to me??? what am I contributing AT ALL to the conversation?? I’m not interesting. I have no ideas. YOU have a hard time under me? #how do you think *I* feel?? do you think I know who I am?? what I believe?? what I desire?? #why even BOTHER wanting for anything!! I dream of the absolute bare minimum life for myself!! I want to not die and live with my friend!! #maybe even MULTIPLE friends if I’m so lucky!!! do you know how much I’ve thought about it? how stupid of a fucking dream really truly #what are the chances of that coming true? who would want to spend more than a few hours. with me? #and so what?? if I can’t even achieve the bare fucking minimum dream ever then??? what’s the point??? what am I then??? if you think I have #ANY skills. you are mistaken!! I don’t know how to do anything!!! except cry over no response to my messages for TWO FUCKING WEEKS #I’m fine and cool. absolutely fucking DANDY #I’m totally not insecure about my place in the world and my place in peoples lives!!! noooooooo #I don’t need the bare minimum level of attention. I made it 13 fucking years having never truly connected to another human being. #I can handle. whatever the fuck this is. haha how pathetic. shitty shitty bang bang #nooo I’m a grizzled fucking soldier I don’t reread positive words directed at me like I have an addiction #I’m not replaying the top happiest moments from my life over and over again trying to ride a high from something that expired LOOONGG ago #I’m not fucking!! crying!! what do I have to cry for?? aww little piss baby DIDNT get a reply :( aww shh shh #your feelings are sooo valid don’t you worry!! it’s not like you’ve gone most of your life with the ability to get things you want!! GASP.NO #you didn’t have to struggle with food or money or housing!! nobody’s even HIT you before!! but even so your cries are valid!!!! #SIKE. NO. IM AT THE ABSOLUTE BOTTOM. MY PROBLEMS DONT MATTER #so WHAT if you’re longing?? doesn’t matter how hard you THINK or DREAM or WISH. NO ONE. NOT ONE SINGLE. FUCKING. PERSON #will EVER. see you as more than the fucking checker piece on the chess board!! #you want to be someone’s muse huh? don’t even CARE about their interpretations. or how they see you. all that matters is that in this moment #they’re stuck with you. they’re watching you. for at least a moment you can pretend they are yours. #god.... if only I could get myself to write my actual essays with this much passion haha #haha...a hh h..

[britneyshakespeare]

i just have to say it. in my head by jason derulo is one of those songs a kid can hear on the radio constantly, for years, not think of it as anything but a regular love song. but then they grow up and realize. my god. this was never about anything OTHER than sex and it’s VERY obvious. one day a generation of children will have this realization about levitating by dua lipa.

#not that there's anything wrong w a song being about sex. i mean. if i did have a problem w it... i'd be really bothered all the time #by like every genre of music #there's just something kind of interesting about how you interpret lyrics as a kid bc all pop songs are kind of the same when youre young #they're all about situations like dating and parties and breakups that you don't relate to at all. except in very shallow kidified ways. #so you're like 'in my head is about him liking a girl' #but like. ITS GOING DOWN IN HIS HEAD???? #when youre older you grasp lyrics on a more specific and literal level. AND you can understand abstract lyrics better. #'all night youre my starlight i need you' blah blah #i happen to dislike both of these songs ive named but that really has nothing to do w this observation theyre both just kinda annoying to me #text post #idk what the point of this post was but im thinking about jason derulo #you could be my it girl.... baby you da shit girl #LOOOOOOOL one of my favorite lyrics ever #it's been over a decade and i cant get over 'shit girl' #I KNOW WHAT HE MEANS ITS JUST SO STUPID IN A LOVE SONG

[bo0zey]

raaawwerrrrrr hehehe uwu ::)))) lol teehee!!! weewooweewoo!!!!!!!!!!!!! xD hahaha :P lolzzzzieeee awoooooooga meowmeow woof hahahahahahahahah :D lol lmao :3 8D

#OMGGGGGGGGGHHH IM SO RANDOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OMG I AM SO SILLY AND ODD!! HASHTAG DORK ALERTTTT LOLLLLLLLLL #yesterday when i woke up my first thought was i don’t want to be here i should really kms and for a moment it was genuine not passive #it struck me at that moment. how Genuine i meant it and wanted to do it #it was only for a few moments until eventually i glanced over and saw my perscription bottles on the bedside table #and i reminded myself that these thoughts are happening because i hadn’t taken my medicine in a few days i don’t know how long but a few #off and on then off for a few days #im so unwell i hate being so pathetic!!!! stupid stupid stupid everyone else from my nursing school either already took the test Or #they’re studying right now preparing to take the test either way everyone’s gonna be a nurse and i’m not at this rate i haven’t done shit #it’s because i feel hopeless again i feel futureless i know i don’t want to live another few more years i know this it’s a core belief #so searching for jobs for a long term future just seems so pointless to me #but i know my family expect me to do it and i’m going to do it don’t worry i know i’m just a chronic procrastinator i’ve been like this #and i know i can’t live at home forever i know if i truly want to not be here anymore then i have to get my own apartment #somewhere i won’t be found and somewhere ​i’ll be able to die alone without the risk of being found and hospitalized #i won’t fuck up it won’t be an attempt it will be completion and seen through i’ll only have one chance i absolutely cannot fail that #anyways if anyones reading the tags DONT WORRY PLS IM JUST VENTINGGG N BEING DRAMATICCC LOLLLL PLS DONT WASTE UR ENERGY WORRYING!!!!!!!!!!!! #i’m really fine my life is fine i have nothing to complain about i just am an annoying whiny crybaby who can’t suck it up and grow up #everyone has to grow up and be an adult nobody wants to work but we have to #except i don’t jsut not want to work i want to Genuinely not be Alive lollllllllll #darn! how do i get over such a silly little hump! a bump in the road! #i’ve been an adult since i was the age of a child i can’t remember exactly when my role in life switched but i know it was sooner #sooner than a child is supposed to grow up #i’ve been an adult for so long no wonder i’m so tired i already grew up i don’t have the energy to live as an adult anymore #my mind n body are tired. i wish the world would just stop asking anything of me. #i have nothing left to give anyone only rage and sadness so i just want everyone to stay away so i don’t hurt anyone anymore #ramblings #🤣🤣🥸🥸🥸🤓🤓🤪🤪😝😂😂🤣🤣🤩🤩🫢🫢🤭🤭🤔🤔😲😲🥴🥴🤠🤠🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡😺😺😽😽😺😺😼😼😸🙀🙀😹😹😹

[florenceisfalling]

one last thing before i vanish into the abyss again if your idea of prison abolition blames individual abuse victims for not wanting to be abused anymore i dont think you have a good grasp of prison abolition

#like i hate cops i dont want to ever call the cops they never actually do SHIT about abuse except make it worse #but when my safety or my loved ones are at risk and theres harm to children going on idk what you want me to do #one of the reasons the prison system is so fucked is bc it so frequently punishes victims who try to defend themselves #so acting like we shouldve just dealt with it alone with few resources is stupid. ok ok bye #no one went to jail bc of me it just almost happened

[sheerioswifties]

.

#...rant post incoming.... #WHY THE ACTUAL FCK IS THE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM IN THE US SO FCKED UP HELL #WHY IS DENTAL NEVER COVERED BY MEDICAL INSURANCE YOUR MOUTH IS FREAKING PART OF YOUR BODY WTFFFFFF #I CANNOT I JUST I CANNOT EVERY TIME WE GET ON A ROLL AND GET AHEAD MAKE PROGRESS WE GET HIT #WITH LIKE 84 THINGS AT ONCE OMFG I CANNOT DEAL I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN WHICH HEALTH CARE ALSO WON'T DEAL WITH AND I DUCKING #I HAVE CARTS I NEED TO CHECK OUT FROM TARGET AND AMAZON FOR THINGS WE NEED PET AND HUMAN FOOD AND MEDICAL STUFF THAT OH BC IT'S OTC YOYOK #FCKING I'M SO FRUSTRATED I HAD A $34 SOMETHING CART OF MERCH I WANTED BUT NO BYE AND #BUTTERS MY CHINCHILLA HE TURNED 14!!! TODAY! !! AND I'VE HAD AN ETSY CART JUST SITTING THERE WITH THINGS HE NEEDS FOR HIS CAGE AND #AND THERE'S THINGS I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT YET ONLINE BUT LIKE FAM I AM SO STRESSED #I'M WE'RE TRYING SO FREAKING HARD TO GET BACK ON OUR FEET ON OUR OWN IT'S A LOT BUT WE CAN DO IT EXCEPT WHEN STUPID SHIT HAPPENS #AND TBH I'M A LIL BIT TERRIFIED ABOUT THE OUTCOME OF THE MIDTERMS WORST CASE IT'S CIVIL WAR AND I'M SORRY BUT NO? ! #BUT LIKE IF SOCIAL SECURITY AND OTHER THINGS ARE ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK? !?!?!'& #IDK WHAT TO DO I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO ASK ANYWHERE FOR HELP AND FRANKLY THERE ISN'T MUCH BC SO MANY PPL STRUGGLING NOW #FOOD BANKS ARE LOOKING THE WAY THE GROCERY STORES EMPTY SHELVES LOOK #MY FREAKING DIGESTIVE SYSTEM IS ALL FCKED FROM ANTIBIOTICS I HAD TO TAKE BC TOOTH INFECTION SPREAD INTO MY WHOLE CHEEK FREAKING HALF MY FACE #AND WE FOUND WHAT PROBIOTICS ARE SUPPOSED TO HELP BUT A BOTTLE IS $60 I'VE HAD IT BEFORE IT DOES HELP BUT FCKNVDZYDYDYDYDHDH #LIKE I'M OUT OF DISH SOAP AND CHEESE AND GOTTA WAIT A BIT OR FIND THINGS TO SELL #THIS IS I'M SO TIRED OF STRUGGLING I'M SO TIRED OF BEING STUCK IN A BODY THAT WON'T FUNCTION TO ALLOW ME TO GO BACK OUT THERE AND WORK #I'M JUST UGH I'M SO FRUSTRATED #I'M TRYING TO THINK OF THINGS TO SELL OR TRADE OR SMTH FOR GIFT CARDS OR SMTH BUT I JUST IDK???? I DON'T RLY HAVE DIGITAL SKILLS TO DO I #AND I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY COUSINS IN THE MILITARY SHIT IS GETTING REAL OUT THERE BTW AND ALL YOU FAM IN EUROPE I'M THINKING OF YOU #EVEN JUST HOW BAD THE WINTER IS GONNA BE AND SHIY LIKE I NEED TO GET A SPACE HEATER AND BLANKETS AND #A TENT IF IT COMES TO THAT LIKE WHAT THEY HAD TO DO IN TEXAS AND LIKE ETC IN CASE BUT NOPE PUT OFF BC OF MY FCKIN TEETH #I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE OF A WIFE OF AN ADULT OF EVERYTHING DUCK MY STUPID ILLNESSES THIS IS SUCH BS #I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE NOT BE STUCK IN THIS RUT GSD DAMMIT #I'M LIKE LITERALLY LIKE GOD OF WE COULD SOMEHOW JUST LIKE WIN OR SELL SOMETHING FOR LIKE $5000 IT WOULD CHANGE SO MUCH #10 WOULD LITERALLY CHANGE OUR LIVES OUR CARS BROKEN DOWN WE COULD GET A SAFER ONE ETC ETC GET OVER THIS STUPID HURDLE IN THE WAY OF US #FINALLY NOT ONLY STABILIZED BUT CAN GET BACK TO HELPING #IT'S FCKED THAT MOST AMERICANS ARE THAT MUCH THAT LITTLE RATHER AWAY FROM THINGS LIKE EVEN 500 CAN MAKE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GETTING BY #ANOTHER MONTH OR FALLING INTO POVERTY AND HOMELESSNESS