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piratefishmama · 1 year

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Forgiven Not Forgotten | Part 2

Out of the estimated 10 to 15,000 people in Hawkins Indiana, several hundred left just after the earthquake, a handful of families left during the serial killings to protect their families, and the rest?

Those remaining amounted up to about three hospitals worth. Four maximum. Whatever terrors had wrought through Hawkins during those two years of radio silence… had decimated the population.

So when the Harringtons got the call, when Steve’s croaky voice filled that speaker, and told them exactly where he was, which hospital they’d been taken to, they hadn’t wasted a single second, they jumped into the car, and broke several speed laws to get there.

The sight that greeted them on the other side of those double doors would be forever seared into their minds.

Families they’d known, broken, missing members neither Lynda or John wanted to assume about, were they alive, being treated in one of the rooms, or were they lost, neither wanted to know, so they pushed through, eyes roaming those waiting to be seen or waiting for news on friends and family until someone familiar appeared.

Lynda spotted her first, her legs pulled up on the chair, arms tucked around her knees, surrounded by a small hoard of younger teens, all supporting various non-life threatening injuries and scars they probably didn’t want to speak about.

It was like they’d come from a warzone, clothes torn, patched up by rags tied in places to cover skin, dirty skin, hair matted, clinging to each other, haunted. Nothing life threatening, it looked like they were all just… waiting.

Waiting for people who knew them to turn up for them.

“Robin!!” Lynda gasped, loud enough to catch the girls attention, her head snapping up, eyes wide as the parents rushed forward, Robin rose to her feet, stumbled almost just in time to be gathered up into Lynda’s arms, much to her surprise. She didn’t fight it though, no… instead she melted into it, as though it was the first physical contact she’d had that didn’t involve fighting for her life in two whole years. “Where—where are your parents, Robin?”

“T-They… I don’t know, they got out… I think… but I—I haven’t seen them, I think people are still learning that they can come back, if they even want to come back, I mean… there isn’t much left back there for anyone to come back to—Steve! Steve you want—you want Steve right?” The other kids seemed to have perked up, watching the interaction in confusion.

“Where is he, Robin?” Robin looked to John, her gaze a mixture of uncertainty and hesitance. “Please… we know he’s here, he called us, sounded—”

“He’s been in and out, worlds best babysitter took a beating from something… big, protecting these idiots.” They hadn’t been made to sign anything yet, but it was hard to explain what exactly had come for them in the end without sounding like she should be in a hug me jacket getting thrown into a rubber room. “C’mon, I’ll take you to him.”

“Robin? Who’s—” one of the kids started to rise from his seat, or… not a kid, probably closer to a young adult at that point, forced to grow up far too quickly.

“Steve’s parents.”

“Holy shit, they exist?” Both parents cast similar frowns in the boys direction for that little quip “—sorry It’s just… I’ve known him for years and never met you, doesn’t even—”

“That’s enough Dustin” Robin cut him off, sharply but not unkindly. “You don’t know everything, just drop it. C’mon, this way.” She seemed to be walking on a limp, but she was walking, leading them down a corridor until she made it to a door left slightly ajar, the one opposite it flanked on either side by a pair of soldiers. The Harringtons assumed she’d be leading them to the other. But no. She stopped outside of the one closed too and looked at the pair like they’d personally offended her.

They didn’t even try and stop her when she grabbed the handle, instead stepping a little further apart to allow her and her guests to enter with her, John closed the door behind him.

The room was quiet, mostly, save for a radio playing quietly by the window, a genre that no-one would ever assume could be played quietly, and the steady beep of life saving machines. It wasn’t a large room, only big enough for a single bed, the machines, some room to walk around, and a couple of chairs, private, but it housed two people anyway. One on the bed, hooked up to all those machines, skin pale, scarred, his hair long and messy in a way Lynda would probably guess he’d had curls at one point.

Not anymore, it was just a matted mess by that point, one of his hands resting in the linens, handcuffs on his wrist linking him to the bed, the other wrapped in someone else’s grip.

That someone else… the other—

“Steven?” His head snapped up at his father’s voice, hand swiftly withdrawing from the man’s in the bed, his hair had been cut short, possibly to the scalp for convenience, the lengths seemingly only just growing back, he had scars around his neck from what looked like barbs, scars down his arms, both old and new, bruising, treated injuries that'd likely looked way worse when he was admitted.

another round of injuries his parents figured he'd struggle to tell them about.

He rose to his feet, he looked… thin beneath the hospital garbs they’d put him in. Thinner than he should have been, he’d always been broad but now… it was as though he hadn’t had a decent meal in two years. Likely living off of whatever they could scrounge together.

“Stevie, my baby…” Lynda’s voice sounded more like a pained whine, but it was the only warning Steve got before his mother lurched forward and wrapped him up in a fierce hug, adjusting only when her son winced and hissed in pain “you—you were s-supposed to—you were supposed to call to—to contact us, you—”

“I know… I know I—we got cut off, that call, it was the last one any of us could make, those bastards cut us off when they realised it wasn’t gonna be like the times before.” It wasn’t going to be a quick one and done. That the thing they were dealing with was much bigger than just one evil.

It was a whole hoard of evil. Not just Henry. Henry had back up in the form of a gigantic evil cloud, monsters of all shapes and sizes, and an arsenal of loved ones to use as his own personal puppets to terrorize and destroy the people left behind. Eddie being the only one actually there.

“The times before?” John’s voice had his son looking up from the hug his mother had trapped him in. His eyes seemed to dip “Steven… please…”

Steve shook his head, he couldn’t, not there anyway. “I’m fine though,” he’d change the subject instead, a regular instance in the Harrington household, hide the truth and mask it with an “I‘m fine” “bit banged up, but I’ll live…” he released the hold on his mother, even if she didn’t want to let go just yet.

“Who’s this…?” And they let it happen. Every time they let it happen, let the subject go, let it switch to something new, John would allow it for now, but… once out of there, once the dust settled, they’d be having that talk. For now, he was okay with letting the subject change. Aiming it instead at the elephant in the room.

The unconscious man in the bed his son had been holding onto moments ago. That ember, that tiny spark in his son, perhaps… perhaps it was still there.

“Eddie… he uh… he helped, at the end… he—we wouldn’t be alive without him… we thought—we thought he was dead for months but… he wasn’t.” Another touchy subject, but at least that one his son was willing to talk about.

“The handcuffs?”

“Police still think he killed a bunch of kids before the earthquake, the handcuffs are a ‘precaution’ apparently, as if he’s going anywhere.” The serial killer. Eddie Munson. Lynda’s head snapped to the man, eyes wide “he didn’t!” Steve was quick to assure her “It looked bad, it did, it looked like he did it, but he didn’t, he wouldn’t he—he’s good… he’s good. He saved us.”

“Saved you? How?”

“It’s hard to explain…”

Robin on the other hand, didn’t care quite as much as their son did when it came to hiding the facts. “Evil guy, Henry Creel, actual culprit in the Creel murders of ’59 and actual serial killer, we thought Eddie died before the earthquake cause he basically got ate alive by a bunch of evil bats, but Henry was using him as a henchman of sorts, kept him alive to use against us cause we all felt guilty over it which… y’know, fair, he didn’t have to stay involved but he did, and he got ate of course, we felt guilty. I dunno how, but he snapped out of it at like… the last minute, and bought us enough time to take him down, now he’s just…” she motioned to the bed, the steady beep of the monitor going off rhythmically. “We got him out this time though.”

“…What?” Both Harringtons asked in unison.

“Robin” Steve hissed.

“What? Jeez, they haven’t made us sign anything yet.”

“…Sign something? What do you mean sign something?” Lynda looked between them, the two young adults clearly exhausted. “Steven? What have you signed?”

“NDA’s mom, each time, they’ve forced us to sign these Non-Disclosur—”

“Who?”

“Y’know… the government?”

There was something distinctly satisfying about watching a 5’4" woman demolishing a government agent. Something almost the entirety of the Party managed to witness when someone from said government finally decided to grace them with their presence to sign those pretty shut your mouth documents they were so fond of dolling out.

John Harrington watched with what could only be described as a dopey grin on his face as he leaned in to whoever was closest, this being one very tired Mike Wheeler, to say “You know she majored in Contract Law back in the day? Minor in Ethics too. God look at her go.” Totally and completely smitten over his own wife’s rage.

Apparently forcing minors to sign NDA’s, while technically legal for them to scribble on the dotted line, couldn’t actually be held up anywhere in court due to age and how dare they force children, not just her OWN but other children to sign that shit without a parent or legal guardian present.

It ended with her loudly declaring that “NOBODY in this hallway will be signing your goddamn papers, and as for the previous ones? You’ll be hearing from our lawyers.” Then, on her heel she turned, and returned to the group, leaving a stunned government agent floundering in the hallway having clearly expected an easy ride. “Everyone, get your things, you’re coming home with us.” Too revved up to stop just yet.

“Excuse me, why would we go with you? Ain’t you ever heard of stranger danger, ma’am?”

“Erica Sinclair, I held you when you were just 3 months old and I bought you and your brother your first strollers, now get your backside out to that car this instant.” Erica shut up, momentarily subdued, but she did have to wonder when exactly her parents had met the Harringtons, later, questions for later. Maybe when she and her brother found their parents. “We have a house with two bathrooms and enough food to feed an army, let’s go.” Not quite the six bathroom four bedroom estate they’d had in Hawkins but…

They weren’t going back there. Nobody was going back there.

The modest two bed close by would do as home base for now, even if it wasn’t quite big enough to hold everyone, they’d make do. John stepped forward to add, “we have a working phone too, get you in touch with the people you need to be in touch with, and we’ll let the front desk know to inform anyone who comes looking where you’ve gone. It’ll be okay, let’s get you out of here and cleaned up.”

“Mom… I’m not leaving Eddie, we’re not… not again, he’s—he’s all on his own I—I can’t.”

“Honey…” Lynda started, but… that little boy they’d long since watched withdraw into himself, he was just… there, for the briefest of moments, showing himself, his emotions, raw, and tired, but it was enough, her son was in there, clawing back to the surface, she wasn’t about to ruin it now. “How about we go home, we get you all cleaned up, get you something to eat, and then we come back and figure out what to do about Eddie, how’s that sound?”

“We have plenty of world class lawyers on our side, Son, we’ll get him out of here in no time, just… let’s get you cleaned up first, Okay? The house is only half an hour away.” Close, they’d be close, the hesitation on all of their faces though, this poor boy, whoever he was… they all hesitated to leave him, there was a lot of love in that hallway, each one as determined as the last to stay with their friend.

“…Alright shitheads, to the car.” Not a single one of those kids argued, Steve was in charge, but Mike and Lucas both hung back.

“I’m gonna stay with the Byers, Nance, Holly, and my mom are with them so—”

“An I’m gonna stick with Max until her mom gets here.” Doctors said she could wake up at any time after her brain activity kicked back up when the dust settled… when Henry died. He wanted to be there when she did. “I’ll be fine though, promise.”

And when Lynda stepped forward to hand Mike a little card with a number scribbled on it, saying “This is our home number, If anything changes with your friend, Eddie while we’re gone, call us, okay? We’ll be right back here in a flash.” She caught the faint smile on her sons face in her peripheral vision.

Baby steps.

Part 4

#PirateWrites #ForgivenNotForgottenFiclet #Steddie #Post!S5 #Mentions of Kas Eddie #Hurt/Comfort #Miscommunication

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sosa2imagines · 3 months

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I know where I belong. Part 9

----------------------------------------------------- Warnings- Angst for Steve, fluff for everyone.

Part 10 -----------------------------------------------------

Your POV- ‘This was all you, none of it me’ I see Sharon pushing you in anger. Your eyes fell on me. I didn’t feel anything. ‘I was too strong, you were trembling. You couldn't handle the hot heat rising, mmm, Baby, I'm still rising’ Bucky holds my hand and leads me to the dance floor. I can see Sharon is being abusive towards you and you are speechless. ‘I'm giving you up. I've forgiven it all. You set me free.’ Whereas I found my happiness thanks to you Steve. I look deep into Bucky’s eyes and all I can see is me in them and the love they hold for me. Bucky kisses me softly, not to tease you or show it to the world. But to remind me that he is with me and he is mine. Thank you, Steve, for giving me Bucky and setting me free. ‘Send my love to your new lover. Treat her better. We gotta let go of all of our ghosts. We've both know we ain't kids no more.’ Sharon threw her drink on you and left.

Sharon was hurt and angry. How could Steve stop be being Captain America? How dare he retired? “How could you do this to me Steve?” She pushes him in anger, demanding answers. “I did it for us babe. We can have more time together, start a family.” Steve is somewhat hopeful, Sharon will agree. But instead she starts to scream at him. “Family? A fucking family? Are you out of your mind? You ruined everything!” Steve was not expecting this. No this can’t be happening to him. His eyes fell on you and Bucky dancing together, without a care in the world. Sharon, saw what he was looking at. “All this because of that bitch?” before Steve could say something, Sharon threw her drink on him and left.

Sam was the first to burst out laughing followed by Tony. You and Bucky kind of felt bad for him...but? Oh, never mind. Steve was angry, on top of that he was insulted and Bucky kissed you. “So, you two an item or something?” He snaps at you both, Tony and Sam were ready to give him a piece of mind but Bucky was quick with his metal arm colliding in Steve’s face. Steve stumbled back, breath taken away. A huge bruise was formed on his cheek. Bucky didn’t say anything turning his back on him. “If you know what’s good for you, keep your mouth shut.” Tony warns Steve and he nods in response. After some minutes Sharon joined you all for drinks. Everyone ignored her. “Fine you and the bitch can gang up all you want. I don’t care.” Before anyone can say something to defend you, this time you were quick to throw your drink on her and give her a black eye. “Anyone wants more drinks? Mine is empty” Tony whistled proudly, while Sam sang praises, and Bucky?...well god help him with the boner you just gave him. He has seen you fight plenty of time before, but this was “SEXY” he actually said it out loud. While you headed to get drinks for everyone, Nat was quick to grab Sharon by her hair so tight breaking few a lot of strands. “Be careful with what you say next.” She warns her, letting go of her hair not so gently making sure her head bangs on the table, damn it didn’t.

As the party went on, more guests had arrived. One particular guest was John Walker, Bucky absolutely hated him. Why? Let’s say long before you were even Steve’s girlfriend, John misbehaved with you and Bucky beat the shit outta him.

Bucky was about to get up to throw him out before Tony stopped him with a hard glare. “Fine but if he does not behave, I won’t be held responsible for my actions.” Bucky tells not so very sweetly. “He won’t do anything, anyway he is The Director of Shield’s favorite.” Now what Tony said was pure sarcasm, but little miss Sharon thought something else and quickly left.

An hour later Steve came around searching for Sharon. “Have you guys seen Sharon?” “Nope, must be lost with the black eye.” Sam laughed, Steve looked utterly confused. “No, we have not seen her, since Walker arrived.” Nat told him. “Hmm speaking about him, where is he?” You asked before pouting at the way Bucky was looking at you for asking about Walker, “What? I asked only to stay the hell away from him.” Bucky nodded to your answer but kept looking at you like an angry puppy. Steve was looking visibly upset as no one was helping him. Tony took a pity and asked FRIDAY about Sharon’s whereabouts. “Miss Carter is in the gym with John Walker.” As soon as FRIDAY said that all heads turn towards Steve, “Maybe she is teaching Walker how to use the gym” Sam snickers, “With a black eye?” Tony asks and you all leave with Steve towards the gym. “Bucky, I don’t have a good feeling about this” you whispered in his ear, but Steve could hear your concern due to his super hearing. “Don’t worry doll.” Bucky assured you. When you all reached the gym, John’s loud moans were echoing. Steve was not ready to open the door. Somewhere you all knew what was happening. Nat took the initiative and open the door. All the emotions drained from Steve’s body, you all froze to the sight of John walker leaning on the wall, pants and boxers dropped to his ankles and Sharon on her knees, mouth full. When Steve cheated on you, that feeling was so horrible you didn’t wish it for anyone to experience. So what Steve must be feeling right now, you could understand.

Part 10

----------------------------------------------------- (Hey lovelies part 9 is here and I hope you all enjoy. Comments and feedbacks are appreciated. The next part will be the last of this series. Lot's of love to you all. 😊❤️) -----------------------------------------------------

#sebastian stan characters #chris evans characters #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes x reader fluff #steve rogers angst #steve rogers x reader angst

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muzaktomyears · 5 months

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Mimi and Paul

I immediately wrote Mimi of the news [of John leaving Yoko]. “If your news re: Y. is sound, well that’ll please me I can tell you. It’s his only hope of getting on an even keel again,” she responded.

Someone had sent her recently taken pictures of John and they made her sad. She thought he looked lost somehow and might be wishing The Beatles would get back together. It was those times she thought he missed all the happy times the group had together. He began phoning her again and had told her that Paul was coming over and that he would be seeing him. She hoped that happier times would be coming out of their meeting.

Mimi seemed to hear from John on a somewhat regular basis again while he was separated from Yoko. If he didn’t phone, he wrote and she was always pleased when she heard from him. He seemed much more like his old self, she thought, and he had continued hopes that he and Paul might get back together again.

---

Mimi had talked to John (before the Paul [getting arrested in Japan] news had broken) and determined that he would never tour again. He and Paul had just spoken on the phone and Paul had been complaining “how hard the tour was”. So John had asked him “why the hell do you do it then?” The honest answer, according to Mimi, was that he simply could not give up the publicity.

---

“…I was talking to Neil Aspinall – Apple. He too is furious about the book ‘Shout’, such a pathetic liar for money. I had a good ‘shout’ about Paul too. Behold! A couple of hours later a phone call from Paul! He was nervous of me… I told you… many excuses. Thought I was annoyed with him. And so I was. Also Paul seriously thinking of going after Philip Norman over ‘Shout’. If ever I see Philip Norman I’ll pitch into him. Paul advised me not to do it myself. It is monstrous that this scandal monger can write such things.”

---

[re: Paul ringing in April] Mimi had truly been upset that he’d not called her before then and she had bent Neil Aspinall’s ear one Sunday afternoon. Two hours later all was forgiven with a phone call from Paul. She said she scolded him, telling him he should have known she wasn’t thinking of any ridiculous slight he might have been worried about. It had been John who had been killed and Paul should have known she was thinking of nothing else. I don’t know what he said but they both cried, she said, and any resentment was gone.

She said she could hear children in the background and asked him if all those were his. “Yeah, we’re like rabbits around here.”

They discussed the book Shout! by Philip Norman and how they resented parts of it. He told her not to get involved and that he would handle it, though what he intended on doing or what he actually did, I have no idea. Since Norman is now writing a biography on Paul and claims to have received a rather conceptual OK, I would assume all is forgiven there as well.

Before ringing off, Paul said he would be down to visit her one day; something she was still waiting to see happen.

The Guitar’s All Right as a Hobby, John, Kathy Burns (2014)

#mimi smith #paul mccartney #love them bitching about shout! together <3

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sebstan2020 · 2 months

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Red Ties

Chapter 31

Mary, a sweet Christian girl living in the city of Brooklyn as a nurse had a simple life. She loved her work, her friends and attending church every Sunday and helping Reverend McCarthy. Her life was nothing out of the ordinary. However, it all changed one day when she bumps into the intriguing and intimidating James Barnes, Brooklyn’s notorious mafia boss and is introduced to a world of guns, lust and dominance.

Warnings: BDSM, Dom/Sub, Mafia, Violence, Gang, SMUT, Sex, Possessive Bucky, Overprotectiveness, Bondage, Sexual Themes, Dark Themes, Guns, Drugs, Gang Violence

“You may go in peace,” Reverend McCarthy said softly to the crowd, and a flurry of people getting up from their pews, soft whispers, and murmurs escaped from the content regulars of the church as they made their way to leave the Sunday service. John stood at the doorway, giving his thanks and byes to the regulars of the church. There were a couple of new faces, and he took the time to introduce himself to them, asking how the service was for them. The community worshipped him like their own god; just like Mary did, they would always come to him for advice, whatever the time or situation.

As John spoke to one of the new faces of today’s service, a pleasant man named Michael, Mary helped clear up, collecting the scuffed bibles and piled them up at the back of the church, picking up the loose sheets of hymns that were scattered around the church. It was a very hot day, and the church was like a sauna, with the stained glass windows doing nothing to help with the heat. The colours shined on the floor like jewels, sparkling and lighting it up. Today’s sermon was about forgiveness, ironically. Mary couldn’t help the little grin on her face as John spoke his words of wisdom. She hadn’t yet told him of her and James’s latest argument, and she debated whether to or not, but she knew deep down she would. John was a non-biassed answer to her problems. Despite him knowing Mary well, he never judged or threw judgement at James, and lucky for her, he didn’t know him, or so she thought.

John said his last good-byes and wandered up the aisle to the back of the church, where Mary had finished putting the bibles away.

“Thank you for that, Mary; I don’t know what I would do without you,” he smiled, and she offered a soft giggle to him and shrugged.

“It’s no bother for me; I always like helping you out here.” If Mary could, she would spend more time here at the church. They did so many things for the community. But her hours that she had free before she met James had all been taken up by him, not that she was complaining.

“How are you? How is everything with you and James?” he asked as he slipped out of his white robe, the heat getting to him. His neck was slick with sweat, and he quickly unbuttoned the top of his collar, letting some air get to him.

“We’re good… We did have an argument the other day, but I’ve forgiven him. It's funny how today’s sermon was about forgiveness,” she pointed out, and he chuckled.

“Yes, completely uncoinisidential,” he said.

“What was your argument about, if you don’t mind me asking?” He said it in a softer tone this time, and Mary sighed heavily.

“He didn’t like the fact that Peter is one of my best friends; he gets jealous easily. I think he thought Peter liked me more than a friend. But me and Peter are just friends; we have always been and always will be. But he wasn’t very nice to him.” John frowned a little, nodding slowly.

“I see. And what did you do?” he murmured.

“I told him he couldn’t speak to my friends like that. I was furious with him, but after a day or two, I calmed down, and we talked. I have forgiven him for now. But I know nothing will change him,” she admitted. He had said those very words to her a few nights ago—that nothing would change the possessiveness inside him. Mary had teased him lightly, not saying much but only that he would have to live with the fact that she had a guy as a best friend and she wasn’t going to stop hanging out with him. James had accepted with a groan, but in turn, he had laid his mark on her that night. The small bites and bruises were only just healing now, and she was able to hide them from the service today.

“Our emotions can get the best of us sometimes, and sometimes they can come out in the strangest of ways. Jealousy is a devil inside us all. We all get jealous. But sometimes we have to ignore it. Sometimes it's hard to ignore when you love someone.”.

Love. It was such a strong word with so many meanings. Mary understood, and from her conversation with Yori, she saw the love in James’s eyes when he looked at her, his dark ocean eyes beaming with light in the middle, a spark setting off. His need to touch her all the time and feel her lips on his is a sign of love and ownership. Mary didn’t quite understand the need for him to show off to the world that she was his, but as John had said, our emotions get the best of us, and sometimes they come out in the strangest of ways.

“Thank you, Reverend,” she said softly and slightly shuffled on her feet. Something else was bothering her, as if she wanted to ask but didn’t.

“Is there anything else that’s bothering you?” He asked with concern.

Tonight was the night. She was going to head off to James’s after-service, and tonight he was going to show her his world. Show her the use of those whips and chains in the closet; show her his dominant side, which he had been keeping locked away. At times it had crept out, but not fully, and tonight it was going to be fully unleashed. Mary played with a small bow on the side of her dress, wondering whether to bring it up or not, and decided against it. She was already committing sin tonight, on a Sunday after service as well, and she didn’t want to give Reverend McCarthy a heart attack with the activities of tonight. This was no place for words like BDSM, bondage, or sadism.

“Nothing else; I’ll see you next Sunday; I’ll bring over some cakes this week for the bake sale.” She smiled, and he nodded.

“That would be perfect,” he said. He reached forward, hugged her tightly, gave her a squeeze, and brushed a finger across her cheek before releasing her. As she trotted down the aisle of the church into the blazing heat, John took a deep breath and shook his head as he wandered into his office. "Oh, James,” he muttered to himself and closed the door.

“Dear God, please forgive me for...” Mary muttered softly to herself as she knelt beside the bed, her elbows resting on the dark covers, hands clasped together and head slightly bowed, eyes closed as she muttered a prayer to herself. She was a mix of nerves, excitement, and fear. James stood beside the walk-in closet, threading a long piece of black rope between his hands and folding it neatly as he watched her. He didn’t interrupt her, but he couldn’t help the smirk on his face grow as he watched her plead to God to forgive her for tonight.

James had been waiting for this moment for so long. From the day he met her, he had images in his head of her tied up in all sorts of positions, her body slick with sweat and marks from his whips and canes, her ass red and sore from his hand, her pussy slick with her wetness, and begging for more. And tonight he had free reign to do whatever he wanted. He wasn’t going to go full sadist on her tonight; it was just a taste of his world. He couldn’t lose her now after two arguments.

"Amen,” she said quietly, and she brought herself back to reality.

“Did you really just pray to God to forgive you for tonight?” he teased as she stood up from the floor. The very sight of her knee beside the bed made his cock hard, and he had to avert his eyes to stop himself from flipping her on the bed mid-prayer and fucking her. How he had gone this long without fucking her was a record. His cock was about to burst soon if he didn’t get some pleasure, and over the next few weeks, he had planned to teach Mary a thing or two about pleasing a man. She was still so inexperienced in that department, and he was the perfect teacher for her.

“Yes, if I’m going to let you do these things to me, I have to make sure I can still get into heaven,” she said a little smugly as she walked up to him. James threw the now perfectly bonded rope on the dresser, where the rest of the toys, restraints, and whips lay perfectly out, and softly chuckled. He was dressed perfectly tonight. Dark black suit across his whole body, collar tight up to his neck, tie around with a sleek knot. This man was perfection. He took a deep breath as he stared down at her and murmured softly.

“I don’t doubt that you won’t get in,” he said. Watching her pray like that made him wonder if he should try it sometime. Perhaps ask for forgiveness from God. Would he get it? Probably not, but it might be worth a shot. Mary could teach him how to do it. It made him laugh inside, her teaching him something when he had been doing mostly all the teaching.

“You could do the same,” she asked, raising her shoulder a little and teasing the prospect, and James sighed.

“I don’t think God will forgive me after one prayer,” he teased back.

“Who knows, God works in mysterious ways,” she shrugged, and he grinned. She was always finding the good in everything, hoping for some forgiveness for him, one of the many reasons he loved her so much.

He looked down at Mary in her tight dress. She looked stunning, absolutely beautiful, and ready for tonight. It was going to go slow and intense, and he was going to take his time tonight. Normally he could be rough and fast, but tonight was slow, calm, and intense.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” He asked once again. Was it double-checking or was it triple-checking? As much as this was a dream come true for him, he didn’t want to do anything she didn't, and when she nodded silently, he claimed that answer and locked it in.

"Yes,” she said with a shake in her voice, as the nerves were settling in. Her fingers tremored somewhat, and she held them tightly to stop it. James took a deep breath and cupped her face in his large hands, warm and safe. He pulled her in for a kiss, soft and tender and slow, the last piece of him before he tucked away protective James and pulled out dominant James. James took a breath and ran his hands down from her cheeks over her cold arms, the little hairs standing on their edges as he looked down her body and spoke.

“Before we get started, there’s a couple things you need to know. From this point forward, you will only address me as Sir.” His tone was so dominant and stern, and Mary felt a tingle run through her body at the simple order of calling him Sir. His hands teased her as they trailed up her body again.

"Tonight you are going to do exactly as I say. You are mine to do as I please," he ordered.

“I’m going to give you a safe word tonight to use while we do this,“ he said, cut off by her nervous voice, and his dark eyes loomed over her.

“What’s a safe word?” she said quickly, and he replied back with the same speed, his hands softly caressing her shoulders.

“A safeword is a word you use to communicate with me when you don’t like something. It’s important you understand that this word will be the only one to make me stop; otherwise, I will carry on, no matter how much you say stop,” he explained, and Mary swallowed. It scared her that the use of the word stop was useless and had little power.

“If I’m doing something you don’t like and you want to stop, I want you to say red." Once you say that, everything will stop. If I’m doing something you don’t like but don’t want to stop completely, and you just want me to slow down, then you say, Mercy, do you understand?” His hands cupped her face again, and she nodded.

“Yes, sir,” she murmured.

“Good, repeat those back to me,” he ordered.

“If I want you to stop, I say red; if I want you to slow down, I say mercy.” James smiled and nodded his head slowly.

“Good girl,” he was positive; she understood the safe word system. Now onto the fun part. James took a step back, just barely enough to create some space between them.

“I want you to take your clothes off, fold them neatly, and put them on that chair,” he ordered her softly, and Mary began to slowly undress, slipping out of the dress she wore to service today. James admired her as she did, taking slow breaths as she folded her dress and pants on top, placed them on the chair at the back of the room, and padded back over. She was absolutely gorgeous underneath, all skin and flesh, and James took a deep breath, smiling at the beautiful sight in front of him. Her hair snaked down her back and over her shoulder as she waited patiently for her next order. She felt the tingles rising through her body and the heat and sweat pooling in the crooks of her neck.

“Now I want you to kneel in front of the bed, hands on your thighs,” he ordered, pointing to the exact spot at the foot of the bed.

"Yes, sir.” She slowly padded over there, kneeling at the foot of the bed with her back against the board. She placed her hands on her thighs and watched as James turned and grabbed the lengths of black rope he had neatly tied together. Four bundles, and he threw three of them over her, landing on the bed. Kneeling in front of him showed exactly how tall he was as he towered over her, and he unravelled the bundles, the ends falling across her thighs, and she sucked in a breath. This was really happening.

Without a word, he took one of her wrists and held it in the air while he delicately wrapped the black rope around it, threading it through with his long fingers. He was an expert at tying knots—good, stiff ones that wouldn’t come undone. Mary wondered if he was a boy scout. Once the rope was tightly bound to her wrist, he used the length of the rope to tie around the bedpost, giving it a tug. Her arm was pulled up tightly with only a little slack.

He did the same with the other, a hard look of concentration on his face as he tied her up to the bed, arms extended up and pulled taut. His cologne lingered over her as he towered over her. Mary gripped the small length between her wrists and the bedpost, holding on for dear life. This bondage stuff was exhilarating, and she was so vulnerable and exposed. The tightness of her arms being pulled made her chest poke out, and her breasts were pushed outward. Her nipples puckered into small buds. Her breathing had deepened, and she stared up at the dark rope binding her.

James reached for another bundle, unwinding it and kneeling beside her, taking her ankle and doing the same. He slightly pulled them apart to widen her legs, giving up access to her pussy, and tied the end to the bed leg. As his fingers brushed her, she shivered and felt her pussy twitch. With the last ankle tied, he gave it a harsh tug, ensuring its tightness, and moaned softly. He trailed the tips of his fingers over her body, running them up the sides of her stomach and up to her arms, slightly tickling her but mostly sending shocks through her body. She took a deep breath, mouth gaping open as he pressed his forehead to hers, nose nearly touching, and he slipped his hand between her legs, hearing her moan and breath as he pressed his long fingers through her folds and to her opening. She was dripping, and an embarrassed blush heated her cheeks. She shouldn’t be turned on by this, but she was.

Mary pressed herself into James, his lips almost touching hers as he spoke.

“You’re so wet. Does this turn you on, being tied up and at my mercy?” He whispered, and Mary groaned softly, not wanting to answer. She didn’t want to admit he was right, and she whimpered.

“Answer me,” he ordered, his tone slightly sterner but still at the volume of a whisper.

"Yes, sir,” she breathed, and he grinned. Mary leaned forward for a taste of his lips, but he pulled away and stood. She huffed, and he walked to the dresser, picking up a long black riding crop. It had a leather handle with a small leather rectangle at the end, flopping. He ran the length of it through his hand, slowly walking back over to her as she stared up at him. Her heart was beating so fast, and she tugged at her restraints.

James took a deep breath, smirking at the stunning sight of Mary.

“Do you know what this is?” He asked, showing her the whip in his hand. Mary shook her head no, despite her knowing what it was, but it scared her. James took the whip, running the end across her face and to her lips, pulling her bottom lip down. The leather was so smooth but hard at the same time.

“This is a riding crop. It can be both pleasurable and painful. As a submissive, you should worship and respect whatever implement I have in hand,” he said, and she nodded slowly.

"Yes, sir,” she said, and he pressed the end to her lips.

“Kiss it,” he ordered, and Mary looked up with confusion at first, looking back at the scary whip before she pressed a lightly kiss to the end, the end that was either going to be pleasurable or painful.

“Good girl,” he praised, and she moaned at the words falling from his mouth. He circled the whip around her cheek, across her shoulder and up her arm, under her arm, and across her chest. Its touch was electrifying and sent a buzz through her system. He pressed the end to her arm and pulled back, slapping it across. She flinched and gasped at the sudden sting, but the next one came shortly after, and she forgot about it. He placed the hits in very specific spots. One of her other arms was down to her side, over her right breast, down to her stomach, and the insides of her thighs, and each one made her skin tingle. She pulled and flinched with each hit, but it was making her even wetter down there. He pressed the end to the top of her pussy, right on her clitoral area, and she flinched as he swerved it underneath, almost through her folds. James took a step further and patted the whip across her aching pussy.

"Ahhh,” she hissed, staring down at the frightening black whip and wherever it was going to land. James chuckled softly, pressing it into her spot, and she moaned.

It was all so exciting. His dominance, the bondage, the whip, and the feelings she was feeling in her body. If he had said this to her at the beginning of their relationship, she would have run for the hills. She would have called him a sinner, and maybe he was. But now she was too.

“You like that, don’t you?” he teased, and she groaned under her breath, pressing her lips tightly together. James chuckled, teasing her with his whip, smacking it once more on her aching pussy and earning a yelp from her. His cock was straining against his tight pants, and he crouched in front of her. He pressed the whip under her chin, tilting her head up to look into her eyes, which were dark and sexy as he smirked.

“Now I want you to thank me,” he ordered, and she took a breath.

“Thank you, sir,” she breathed, and he grinned. His other hand creeped down between her legs and pressed his fingers to her mound, cupping it and slipping a finger inside her. She instantly moaned and instantly bended at his touch, eyes closing and mouths gaping open, the whip pressing under her chin, and he moaned softly. She was soaking, almost to the point where it was dripping on the floor.

“Do you want to come?” He asked, and she nodded her head quickly. She wanted nothing more than to orgasm.

"Yes,” she breathed, and suddenly the whip fell from her chin and smacked her on the chest, bringing her back to reality, her eyes wide and an “oww” coming from her as James sternly gazed at her.

“Yes what?” He raised a brow.

"Yes, sir,” she corrected herself, and he hummed.

“Good, but first you’re going to get me off,” he said and stood, throwing the whip on the bed. He undressed casually, throwing his jacket to the floor and shirt, revealing his tight muscles underneath the black. He slipped out of his dress shoes and yanked his socks off. Her head was at the perfect height for his crotch, and he unzipped his pants, dropping them to the floor along with his boxers, freeing his hard cock. He stroked it, holding it steady as Mary glanced up at him with glassy eyes.

“Have you ever sucked cock before?” he said, and she shook her head.

"No, sir,” she answered, and he smirked.

“Good, that means my cock will be the first and only cock you’ll ever suck,” he growled.

“First, give it a little taste, just the tip,” he said, holding his cock for her as she leaned forward, pressing her lips to the tip of his cock. A salty taste entered her mouth, warm and soft, and she looked up with wide eyes for guidance.

“Wrap your lips around the head,” he ordered, and she took him in her mouth, just the head, and sucked softly, like she was sucking an ice lolly, looking up with her doll eyes at him and popping it out of her mouth. James gritted his teeth, the moans forcing their faces through. She took him in again, sucking a bit harder this time, and James groaned, his head falling back at the pleasure riding through him.

"Yes,” he murmured, and he sucked in a breath.

“Now open your mouth and take me,” he ordered softly, and she did just that. He slowly entered her mouth, pushing as much of himself inside her until she slightly gagged as his big cock filled her mouth. His hand snaked around the back of her head, taking a ball of hair into his hand and gripping her head for support. He pulled back slowly before pushing back in, back and forth, until she adjusted to his size and length. He was so big and filled her completely. His cock turned from soft to hard in a matter of seconds, and the feel of his warm hand on her head made her feel both safe and supported.

James moaned to the heavens, picking up his speed until Mary took it into her own hands, moving her head back and forth, sucking and blowing on him. Her hair was a wild mess as he gathered it into one hand and gripped her head with both hands, forcing his way inside. Small gulps emitted from her as she sucked him, and he pressed himself into her mouth for a few seconds before pulling out. Drool and spit dripped down her chin, and she caught her breath quickly before he entered her again.

He was seconds away from his own orgasm, shaking with pleasure as he felt himself twitch in her mouth. To be on the safe side, he pulled out just before he came, giving himself one tug on his cock, which spilled out into his hand, catching his come. He wasn’t sure if Mary was comfortable with him coming inside her mouth, and despite her opening up to his intimidating world, bondage, and dominance, he didn’t want to push her too far. Now it was her turn.

Mary swallowed as James crouched down before her, his hand going to her aching pussy, and he rubbed her sensitive clitoral area, fingers moving fast as she leaned into his touch, forehead pressed against his, and he whispered to her.

“You’re going to ask for permission to come,” he said, and she nodded, whimpering as the pleasure became overwhelming.

She felt her orgasm and flinched as it was becoming too much, her tied position making it hard to get away, although she didn’t want to.

"Please, sir, can I come?” The words left her mouth naturally. She didn’t even need to think about what to say or ask; it had become ingrained in her head now. James grinned at how responsive she was, and she whimpered against his lips, whispering a second, please, and he couldn’t resist.

“You can come,” he granted her permission, and in a matter of seconds she came, pussy pulsing and twitching with pleasure as his wetness dripped. His fingers didn’t stop, and she wiggled against his fiery touch, yanking on the rope and leaning closer into his hot body. Her climax slowed, and he gave one final rub before pulling his fingers away and sucking on the ends of them. Mary was too dazed to notice that, and when she tiredly opened her eyes, barely able to keep them open from exhaustion, James was cupping her cheeks to pull her back to reality.

“What do you say?” He whispered.

“Thank you, sir,” she managed to get out, and he smiled. He kissed her softly and tenderly, his lips staying there for a while before he pulled back and brushed his thumbs over her heated cheeks.

“You did so well; I'm so proud of you,” he said, pecking her again and kissing her forehead as she fell into the restraints holding her up. Her energy was gone, and she was losing the will to not fall asleep. James made quick work of untying her and caught her exhausted body in his arms, pulling her up into bed as she snuggled into his arms, completely in bliss.

Chapter 32

Hey I hope you like it, let me know what you think in the comments

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archivalofsins · 29 days

Text

You won't tolerate sin?

Let's get right back into this! When we finished off the last post we were still discussing question seven of Kotoko's second written interrogation.

This post is a direct continuation of the last post. In this we'll be discussing Kotoko's mindset towards the law and sin. I hope some people can find enjoyment from it.

Q.07 Why did you choose law school?

Kotoko: Because I had some doubts about it. That's my excuse for wanting to study it. I think complaining about something you don't fully understand is disgraceful.

Why this phrasing of her answer is being used is explained in depth in the first part. Now let's get back into it for real-

You won't tolerate sin?

"Yes. I despise evil."

I want readers to really let what Kotoko said sink in. She doesn't say she despises criminals or crime. She states that she won't tolerate sin or evil.

The failure to distinguish between these things is what I believe is tripping people up about Kotoko the most.

For example a good while back I saw people being surprised about how Kotoko went from this,

Q.03 Do you think any other prisoners who committed the same sin as you deserve to be forgiven?

Kotoko: Of course. Haven’t I already said that I believe my actions have been correct?

Q.16 How do you feel about extenuating circumstances?

Kotoko: I think it’s important to consider. I don’t believe it’s true that all crime is inherently evil, so obviously the situation should be taken into account.

Q.20 What do you consider “evil”?

Kotoko: The persecution of the weak and innocent.

To this,

22/12/15 (Kotoko’s Birthday)

Mikoto: Ah, Koto-chan. It’s been a while. Both of us have kinda split off from the group, but how’ve things been? A lot’s happened, but for now let’s try to get along. I mean, it’s your birthday today, right? I got the feeling nobody else was going to do anything, so I came to celebrate.

Kotoko: ……how carefree. It doesn’t matter, a villain like you won’t be forgiven next time either. And when that time comes, it’ll be the end for you. I’ll make sure of it myself.

Mikoto: Ahh?? Just try and do it, you nutjob. I’ll crush anyone who hurts me…… You’re gonna be totally beaten at your own game……! [TN: The word “me” here uses first person pronoun “boku”.]

Kotoko: Hm. The border between the two is getting a lot vaguer. Your entire existence is a crime. And I will see you’re punished for it. That is what Milgram, and Es, and I have chosen.

Yet if we all take a moment to really look at what she's said and her wording closely. How she called Mikoto a villain but says the other's existence is a crime. The way she differentiates between criminals and evil.

Mikoto (John) is a criminal because his existence itself goes against Milgram's rules. As Jackalope said during the second trial commencement notice due to Mikoto (John's) existence Mikoto has been left free and unrestrained by Milgram's rules. Making it difficult for them to fully punish him.

One could say he's aiding and abetting Mikoto the prisoner by simply being there. Which is why Kotoko refers to his existence as a crime but tells Mikoto to his face that he's a villain.

As well as why she states she doesn't think all crime is inherently evil while remaining so certain she should be forgiven. Because she believes what she did was not evil. That what she did wasn't a sin. Because it was the only way to make the world better.

She's just making the necessary sacrifices for the betterment of society in her mind that could never be a sin.

"I did kill someone, as you say. This is the one reason why I believe in the power of Milgram. But I only took a life for the sake of protecting the weak from the absolute evil. I became a shield of the weak, because I am the fangs of the weak. Even when there is someone who blames me for my actions, such as you, Es..."

"From the beginning I've never asked for your understanding! My actions, one by one, are bringing Earth closer to peace. Useless Weaklings should just shut up and let me protect them!"

Q.13 Do you have any regrets?

Kotoko: No.

"I don't have a single regret."

Kotoko states that the reason she believes in the power of Milgram is because she has in fact killed someone. If we consider this statement along with her admission from earlier that she believes Milgram was made by someone who finds the current way of discerning sin unsound.

Someone whose goal she believes is,

"Determining the good and evil of the truth."

Then Kotoko may believe in the power of Milgram so fully from the beginning not just because it could discern she killed someone but because it could discern she was a sinner. Something she won't even admit to herself let alone consider.

I'm not only saying this because it aligns well with my attempt to distinguish between crime and sin when it comes to Kotoko or even because if Milgram discerning she's killed someone was the only reason she believed in it then anyone with internet access and an interest in press confrences would be someone she believed in. What she did isn't a government secret or anything there are news articles on it that she's seen and shown us.

Unless Milgram discovered something that even the public doesn't know. Something that Kotoko herself doesn't even want to look at.

The thing she's been shielding her eyes from since this all started.

“UNDER” Swaying to and fro? Laughable justice-

"Laugh and I can get to like myself."

"Shall we replace the poor soul, and the miserable delusion."

"I could be deluding myself with wishful thinking."

You are the-so-called "Sinner" that you despise so much.-"They’re still here, still here, it grates me."

Over the course of the series Kotoko has shown that to cope with and avoid self-reflecting she fixates on the errors of others to feel better about herself. This is pushed more to the forefront in her second trial song. However, this mindset of hers is also present within her first voice drama as well.

During that she consistently deflects and highlights issues with the others to the extent that Es has to remind her she's no different from them,

"How about it? Do you understand me as a person now?"

Can I say something?

"What is it?"

Kotoko, you are a murderer.

...

You are a prisoner of Milgram, and beyond doubt, a killer. You are the-so-called "Sinner" that you despise so much. Don't forget you yourself are in a position to be judged.

"Sigh... "A murderer". Is that so? Trying to remind me of my low position in the hierarchy of this place? Don't disappoint me. Well, maybe it doesn't matter."

Notice how she latches onto the term murderer over sinner. She knows what she did was a crime. She doesn't hesitate to admit it was murder because that's a technical term that describes the act of taking another living things life. That's fine, that's not a charcter flaw. It doesn't make her a bad or irredeemable human being.

She's not evil. A crime is a crime sure but not all crime is evil. She can still be a good person and a murderer. Because not every crime committed is a sin. Anyone who's human could understand why she felt this was the only way to move forward.

In fact,

So, you think the act of killing itself does not bear the concept of good or evil?

"Well, if you put it bluntly, it does mean that. There are times when it's your only option if you truly want to protect the weak. To hone in on the point, what I did was,

"An action taken out of necessity in order to protect the rights of myself and others in the face of an urgent and illegal crime."

You understand what that means, right?"

Criminal Law, Paragraph 36, Article 1. Justifiable Self-Defense.

"Looks like someone knows it by heart. So, in reality if my case were taken to judiciary, they too would see it as justifiable self-defense."

That is Japan's Judiciary Judgment. Me deciding whether or not to forgive you, Milgram deciding whether or not to forgive you... is a totally different matter.

I would like to take a moment to point out how Kotoko says if while knowing full and well she was taken to court for this already. Just another friendly reminder that the prisoners can lie outright, withhold information, and do whatever is within their power to make themselves look better through their voice dramas and interrogation questions.

Further emphasizing just how much Kotoko honestly believes her methods and the outcomes of them are not bad. Because was purposely vague about being taken to court in her first voice drama and continues to use incredibly subjective wording to her advantage making it even clearer what she does willfully disclose are simply beliefs she in no way believes are wrong.

Which is literally why several people in this prison over the course of trial two have made degrading remarks in regards to her sanity and intelligence.

Also, Kotoko weaponizing the legal system in this way further highlights that she is no different from the sinners she claims to despise earlier-

"Hurting the innocent through violence, taking from others, killing people... I can't stand it at all! There are too many cases of The Law being unable to deliver a verdict to sinning. Just by exploiting loopholes in the law, the sinners who have bullied and tortured the weak can still live out their lives unpunished! I want to change this world but I alone only have so much power!"

Despite saying all this earlier in her voice drama as soon as her morality is called into question by Es she falls back on the legal system that she doubts so much. To the point that Es has to remind her that the thing about Milgram she was just praising can also be used on her.

Kotoko to her own admission has never been persecuted and how she deals with Es during her trial one interrogation shows that.

Q.18 Have you ever personally been persecuted in the past?

Kotoko: I haven’t. But are you trying to say that if you haven’t had those experiences you can’t hate evildoers?

She consistently gushes over Milgram's system as though she's not at the mercy of it. Attempts to bargain with someone in a position of authority over her as though they are equals. Then reminds said authority figure of their own shortcomings to reaffirm her own necessity within this setting.

Q.17 Tell me what the merit is in working with you.

Kotoko: I will act according to your will. I can also act as your guard. Have you forgotten that you were about to die before?

Then blatantly questions if it matters whether Es disappoints her or not.

"Well, maybe it doesn't matter."

Without really elaborating on why she said that.

In contrast to her muddled feelings on Es she really only has praise to give to Milgram as a system throughout her first voice drama.

Kotoko...

"To be honest, I don't know your true intentions- And I don't know if you're a similar person to me with similar thoughts. In the end I could be deluding myself with wishful thinking. Even still, this place has multiple methods of deducing good from evil."

"To me, MILGRAM'S very nature has a kind of charm to it."

Notice how here she says the law is unable to deliver a verdict on sinning not on crime. This ties into her answer about why she began studying law those doubts/suspicions of hers. Because the law can't punish all sin.

This plays into Deep Cover a great deal too.

A lot of people got things twisted. Kotoko isn't judging crimes,

She's judging sins.

Sinners not Criminals.

Lick that sin and oppose punishment./Hate evil as the evil that it is.

This mindset of hers ties into what she says about the prisoners over the course of Deep Cover.

So let's go over them all one at a time.

“UNDER” Doltish, a codependency of the weak - “UNDER” Doltish “001 Parasite”.

Doltish

Meaning

Cambridge Dictionary: Stupid.

Merriam-Webster: As in stupid, not having or showing an ability to absorb ideas readily.

Weakness

Description quote

“I wanted to be a pitied and loved weakling.”

"The word I tried to say was “You’re unfair”, and those words thought how pitiful I am." - "If I tried and couldn’t say it, you would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”." - "If only I could do what anyone else could do."

MILGRAM / Character Voice Trailer [Full Ver.]

"Then what should have I done instead?! Tell me! Tell me so even I can understand!"

But Gunsli ignorance isn't a sin. Yes you're right. Kotoko is implying that Haruka's ineptitude led to his sin.

The sin itself is in the title of Parasite.

Doltish “001 Parasite”

Haruka's sin in Kotoko's eyes is more than likely sloth. Viewing him as nothing more than a parasite that latches onto and feeds off the weak.

"A codependency of the weak."

"Parasite."

Something Milgram highlights well through his second trial glitched voice line.

"I'm sorry!! I'm sorry!!! Making you waste your life on someone like me...!!"

The series also alludes to this through his first song Weakness. Through having him constantly lament over how he wanted to be a pitied and loved weakling but he was in denial.

While having him go if only I could do the things other could over and over. Despite him repeating for all to here he wished he couldn't do those things. He wished he was a pitied and loved weakling that everyone would put their attention into.

He was in denial saying that he couldn't do it he wants to be the person that can't because that's the person who gets the most attention.

"The right future unfairly chose the wrong me."/ "If with one click, and I can reset everything- Can I be your favorite this time?"

I wanted to be a pitied and loved weakling. I was in denial, I was in denial- I just had to make sure.

Isn't odd how no one has really discussed Haruka's victim staying the same size and age in contrast to him being older in his second music video. I haven't really seen people discussing that so much as trying to focus on how his victim could be related to him. I think it's a really interesting tidbit though.

As it highlights Haruka's relationship with age well. It highlights how envious he is of animals and young children simply because since they are small, weak, and assumed to be ignorant they're doted on. They're given the attention that he wants.

Milgram emphasizes this through one of Futa's second interrogation questions. Futa displays concern for Haruka because he assumes he'd be hopeless without him but in trial two he flatly states this when asked about him-

Q.02 What do you think of Haruka?

Futa: I can’t afford to be worrying about other people at the moment Anyway, he’s not a little kid.

Mikoto even highlights that he's grown into a good man when Haruka wishes him a happy birthday.

The more capable Haruka is the less likely he is to get what he wants the only reason he's become comfortable with being competent is because he has Mu to fall back on for the doting he wants. Outside of that Haruka takes the easiest path to get the attention he wants regardless of if that attention is negative or positive.

Stating he will continue killing to be their good boy while also lamenting how long he'll have to do this as if he isn't choosing to do it-

"You praised me by saying “You’re crazy.” Thank you, I’ll do my best-How many more times do I have to do this so I can be human?" - "I will keep on killing to be a good boy."

He'll do anything to be this persons good boy except literally stop doing the thing they keep reprimanding him for doing. Complaining about his circumstances but not really putting much of an effort in to change them.

Sloth is not just pure laziness.

This is why I like the depiction of Sloth in Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood the best. Because it is the practice of doing something over and over not because it yields the best results but because it is simplest.

Even if the work is hard, even if one doesn't like it, they do it because their slothful and it's the only thing they can think of doing it's the closest thing they can reach because it's what they've always done and reflecting on why that is would be far more difficult than just continuing as is.

They dig the hole deeper because the only thing they know how to do is dig and they don't want to learn anything else. Sloth is beyond laziness it is a dedication to avoiding growth in all forms and where all sin spawns from.

However the prisoners themselves are a mix of sins just like any person would be. Meaning I could see Haruka's behavior as Sloth, but some might see it as envy.

Q.20 Did you hate the person you killed?

Haruka: I wonder if I did- I was jealous of them.

Both would be just as reasonable. Because people are complex.

Let's use Yuno as an example on the surface she'd appear to be lust- Even Kotoko can see that.

“UNDER” Obscene, pulling all cords to stay warm- “UNDER” Obscene “002 Slut”

Lust: "I want to be with you as many times as I can. Just the two of us, I feel a little tingle inside. Our love links us together. Just me alone, the warmth starts fading away. Let’s reload the warmth."-“Let’s just do it, please smile? Hooked up till the morning to this sweet “Umbilical Cable” Let’s just do it, please smile?"

However she also makes statements that could lean towards sloth as well. Such as her first glitched voiceline.

"I won't be bothered......."

This is also something Kotoko's lines about her call to attention through the lyric-

"Pulling all cords to stay warm."

Implying what Yuno has shown over the course of trial two- That she will cut people off if they can no longer provide the warmth she's seeking.

"Caressing me with your “Good girl”. Who needs your self-righteous pardon? I’m the one who chose, let you and you and you all in."- "So nauseating...so creepy...will you please disappear."

“Phew. Anyway!”

However, Yuno's narrative fits the moral and spiritual definition of the sin lust.

Even down to the point of bringing up adultery in her very first voice drama.

"For example, news outlets; they always make a big fuss about aldutery, inappropriate comments, immodesty, and so on right?"

"Isn't it odd? Even though you're a prison guard, you're about my age, aren't you? Or even a little younger? And then they start criticizing the people who make an appearance there. Don't you think it's all ridiculous? There's no end to how much people punish one another outside of the law."

Yuno's mindset from the beginning made it pretty clear that she wouldn't be a fan of Kotoko's mindset.

"That's right. You know those people who just want to convince themselves- So, they intrude on other people's affairs even though it's not their place? I despise them. That's what I was saying they only do that to make themselves feel better, don't they? Those people don't actually end up doing anything."

While working to foreshadow it and her own change of attitude during trial two.

Yuno...

"No matter how many chilling memories I had to go through, those people never gave me any warmth."

"Pulling all cords to stay warm."

Don't care.

"Look, look. It's impossible, isn't it? To break out into a cold sweat over a face that cute."

In the same way it would be just as easy to consider Mu Pride. Given her focus on being queen.

“UNDER” Incessant, this sorry round-robin of who’s queen- “UNDER” Incessant “004 Phony Queen”

Though there's also a bit of envy within Mu's character. More envy than pride in my opinion.

"If you want to betray from jealousy." - "Take more and more (honey) and devote to me."

"God gave me everything, everything is as I wish."

Phony Queen

But if you don't give me what you have too, then-

"You know what’s gonna happen ON YOU!"

"I’ve got EVERYTHING, everything is as I wish."

Envy is believing that when someone else receives good fortune than you're losing out-

"If I was gone, If I had just disappeared- I overheard, I found out. How much I’m not needed." - "Why won’t you stop hurting me? My heart is all dried up. My sorry spells must be wearing off."- "Just one more time before saying goodbye. I’m just kidding, please forget I said that."

Hence the hourglass which has been used to represent a reversal of fortune throughout Mu's songs. It doesn't matter how big or small it is if someone else is succeeding an envious person feels like they're failing. Some people going through that will do anything to feel like they're back on top again.

Incessant

Meanings

Collins Dictionary: An incessant process or activity is one that continues without stopping.

Merriam Webster: Continuing or following without interruption

Cambridge Dictionary: Never stopping, especially in an annoying or unpleasant way.

"My sorry spells must be wearing off." - "“I’m sorry” won’t reach anyone I hope it will someday." - "I don’t want tomorrow to come, I want to forget yesterday I was miserable, someone please help me."

"I want to feel “alive”, is it ok if I breathe?"

"I am always the drama (Phony) queen."

"The stabbing of the little devil's voice, counterattack being a suicide note- “I love YOU”."

"If you’re going to make me the villain. It’s ok to ignore me."/"Hey..why don't you listen to me...? I'm telling you... Hey...HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

Now onto the glutton-

“UNDER” Doomed, a peddling flower thief - “UNDER” Doomed “005 Dissection Pawn”

"Those cards of promise I discarded. Were they retribution for my incessant taking?"

"Killing, extracting, I still won’t see them again."

"“Throw down”, someone’s value- Cannot be the same as another. “Throw down” should choose between superiority or inferiority."

Proud, complacent in prosperity- They did not give any help to the poor and needy.

"After stabbing you with my words, the blood started to flow. And slowly stained my white. Hey, you remember what it feels like? The feeling to take away in order to give?"

"It becomes more and more diluted, it doesn’t have any flavor even if it’s chewed. If it’s not needed, I’m not interested."

“UNDER” Concealing, coveting, glass half empty or full? -“UNDER” Concealing “007 Deceiver”

Kazui come on and spell it out for them-

I don't think Star or I need to explain more than this picture with Kazui.

"Coveting"

Me: Kazui what are you doing there? Kazui: Oh, you know this old school thing called-coveting my neighbors spouse. Kotoko: ! Sin- SINNER!EVIL! Me: Oh, Kazui you- They all know you're married. You kidder! Almost had me there for a second you really did. Kazui: Ha, ha- Yeah... Kotoko: Hm... he's hiding something. Deceiver then.

"Only if your heart would change but that’s not possible."/ "Hey, so what if I said I liked-liked you, what would you do?"

Q.08 Which do you prioritise between logic and feelings?

Kazui: I put my feelings first and it ended badly. So I don’t want to act just based on feelings again.

Q.13 Who do you want to see right now?

Kazui: They won’t see me anymore.

"I just wanted to touch, to caress. I just wanted to be touched." - "I just got a little greedy."

"What I gave up a long time ago. Why is it questioning me now?"

There's as many apples in the world as there are fish in the sea but people tend to focus the most on the ones that got away.

"So it’s wrong? Oh shove that! INNOCENT, isn’t that right? Maybe, perhaps... or... could it come true... like It’s for the sake of true love, who wouldn’t lie for that?"- "Lick that sin and oppose punishment."

Q.08 What are your parent’s occupations?

Kotoko: They’re just the normal office worker and housewife. Did you want me to be born in with some unique circumstances?

Again as Kotoko told us in trial one, she's had a normal childhood, one where she didn't have to face any persecution.

This answer serves to further highlighted this. By showing off that she not only lived in a two-parent household as brought up during her trial one written interrogation,

Q.08 Tell us your family structure.

Kotoko: Grandmother, father, mother, older brother.

Yet, it shows that her parents are probably not financially well off. Kotoko is their youngest child by her own admission. Chances are her parents spoil her a great deal. Especially considering she's going to a top university and from question nine admits to only having begun working after taking leave from university.

She also admits to have started taking martial arts classes from a young age as well something that isn't free.

Q.04 When did you start learning martial arts?

Kotoko: When I was in primary school, I think? Without enough power, justice won’t be upheld.

All this on the salary of one office worker. We have a pretty good example of how office workers are doing from Mikoto. That's some love right there from Mr.Yuzuriha. Plus, Kotoko could just decide to take a leave from school out of the blue without really being reprimanded about it to the point that she was very blunt about dropping out at the beginning of her first voice drama.

The idea that she may be a bit spoiled and used to things going her way is even displayed by how she carries herself throughout her first voice drama. Not accepting that she herself is a prisoner and consistently attempting to distinguish herself from the others.

Now I was going to say maybe she was paying for some of these things through part time work or taking student loans who are we to say.

However again question nine throws the idea of it being paid through part time work right out the window. Since Kotoko is uncertain if what she was doing even counts as a part time job or not,

Q.09 Do you have any experience working part time?

Kotoko: After taking my absence of leave from university, I did some journalism here and there, so if it counts I guess it’s a part time.

She was probably doing freelance journalism. This would explain why she's uncertain as to if it would count as part time or not because at that point she'd be deciding her own hours. This would also explain how she knew who to go to in order to get the information she needed in Harrow.

However, it wouldn't change the fact that she started doing that after taking her leave from Law School. Meaning while she was going to school, she was solely a student. We don't know Kotoko's living situation, but she was probably still receiving support from her parents during that time.

So, her father's office worker salary not only provides a home life with no concerns for financial issues, but also allows Kotoko to partake in extracurricular activities and afford to not only study but attend law school. Along with the supplements she takes on a consistent basis and all the other frivolous stuff in that basement room we see her in.

Though when it comes to the stuff in the basement she could have gotten that from the pay received for her journalism work after she took her leave from college. It would also explain why she was looking over all those articles and it also implies that she may have wrote those articles herself.

Something that further complicates her case because that would just mean she never looked for any outside information she was just working off of her own work the whole time. Along with comments on said work.

The last two questions are sort of interesting because it creates this image of Kotoko being a spoiled youngest child with doting parents and possibly an overprotective big brother. The last one is just hilarious to consider because those articles that we see her referencing and looking over in Harrow could technically just be written by her now.

Further emphasizing the fact that she just draws her own conclusions and works off of those without asking anyone else.

Whelp with that I'm finally done and caught up until her next question comes out. I guess.

#milgram #kotoko yuzuriha

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someoneintheshadow456 · 3 months

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I said before, now that Cait Corrain’s true self has come out, I can finally elaborate on what happened with her. To put a long story short, I was one of her very first victims - long before she became an original fiction author and back when she was known as Enterprisingly on AO3 - the author of Play to Win.

I know that #reviewbombgate was back in December, but at the time, I did not know about it because I’m not involved in BookTok. However, I WAS involved with the Reylo fandom, albeit indirectly.

The final chapters of Play to Win went on a tangent that seemed bizarre to me at the time. In fact, it seemed so strange that I brushed it off almost completely. It was only when I found Play to Win’s Wayback Machine page after recalling memories of the Reylo fandom last year when I read the chapter properly (instead of skipping ahead to get to the Reylo scenes). And a proper reading made me realize what was so unnerving about it:

Anyone who has engaged with my blog (especially from 2015-2019, when I used to post a lot more content about my personal life) can see the strangely... specific way this character was described. In order to go into this level of depth, one has to have been following me intently and keeping tabs of all the personal things I posted.

And then, she goes from eerily specific descriptions, to straight up maliciously lying about me:

Keep in mind, this screed takes up an ENTIRE chapter in itself. Said character, Ejya Fjord, is a background NPC who is mentioned a total of 121 times in a 161,000 word story. In fact, her name is mentioned so little that you could be forgiven for not remembering her at all:

You'd think, if someone would do something like this, I had to have done something terrible to her, or even just gave her a negative review. But I never did.

As you can see here, I have only engaged positively with her. Since Play to Win was also taken down and you can’t see old comments on Wayback Machine. Unfortunately after this, I can only give my word without receipts.

Play to Win was published first in 2018. I reviewed her story in March of 2018, possibly even earlier. In my review, I praised the writing, worldbuilding, and dialogues, but gave a small constructive criticism in that the politics could be better integrated into the story without feeling disjointed.

In the very early chapters, Ejya was clearly intended to be 100% Swedish - as one can tell from the name. However, at some point in the later half of the story, she retroactively became mixed race and a rival for Ben's affections, while Ben seems to be having none of it. It's clear these choices were made to portray me as some kind of horny fangirl for Kylo Ren who will stomp on other girls for his sake:

When I read the last chapter first, I was horrified. But now I'm just... bemused that someone would ever see me as some kind of calculating vixen who dresses like a Euphoria high school student and only likes masculine hobbies to pick up dudes. When in reality it took me until 2020 to be able to type the word "sex" without having heart attack and have never so much as posted a selfie on here.

It's also funny that Ejya is petite and flat chested while my actual body type is the exact opposite... which she would know since she stalked my blog so thoroughly. Almost as though she's implying something about her own insecurities...

Initially, I was under the impression that Corrain targeted me because of my association with @ainomica - due to her ruffling the Reylo fandom’s feathers (and ending up on Corrain’s hit list) over her opinions on John Boyega. However, that controversy happened in 2020. When Corrain wrote this libel about me, @ainomica wasn’t even on her radar, not to mention it was a year before we had ever even met. This libel was done to target me, and me exclusively.

In essence - Corrain weaved libel about me into her story because my existence pissed her off. We know now that Corrain had a penchant for targeting sapphic authors and WOC almost exclusively. So it's safe to say she was just being a typical white saviour liberal who shows what she actually thinks of minorities when they don't toe the line.

While this does make her less unhinged in my eyes than using me to target someone else, it still means that Corrain was, and always has been capable of aggression towards anyone she’s remotely offended by. Especially if said person happens to be a minority of some kind.

#reviewbombgate #cait corrain #reylo

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layce2015 · 6 months

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John Wick Chapter 4 (John Wick x Female!Reader)

Chapter 2: The Battle Of Osaka Continental

JW 1 Masterlist

JW 2 Masterlist

JW 3 Masterlist

JW 4 Masterlist

The three of them clink their glasses together and begin to drink. "You want to die? That's your choice. A good death only comes after a good life." Shimazu said. "You and I left a good life behind a long time ago, my friend." John said and Shimazu takes a sip of his drink then looks over at them. "But what of your wife?" He asked and (y/n) looks down at the cup in her hand.

She let's out a small scoff and shakes her head. "I believe my good life was taken from me the moment I was kidnapped. It was only a few months ago but...feels like a lifetime ago. I'm not even sure...if I'm that same woman." She responded and John places his left hand on her leg. Even after she already forgiven him, he still feels responsible for everything that's happened to them. He would give anything to go back to that life, back when she was innocent and had no idea about this world.

"Father, The High Table." Akira exclaimed as she ran but stopped when she sees John and (y/n). "What are they doing here?" She asked, angrily. "Mr and Mrs Wick are our guests." Shimazu said and Akira glares at her father. "Father..." she growls. "I'll talk to them. They don't know you two are here." Shimazu said as he gets up from his chair and walks around.

"Please." Akira pleads to him as he walks up to her and she grabs his wrist. "Stay with Mr and Mrs Wick." Shizuma said and he walks away and Akira gives a pleading look to her father then turns to the couple and glares at them, like this was all of their fault.

She then looks down and shakes her head after a few moments of silence. "You and your wife have no right to be here. If they find you two here, The Table will kill my father, me, everyone because you broke the rules." Akira said then she looks up at them. "You two shouldn't have come." She said, a firm tone.

"I know my words mean nothing but...both my husband and I are very sorry. We just wanted to be left alone." (Y/n) said and Akira stares at her until a man, carrying a bow, walks up, bows then leans over to Akira.

"The hotel is being attacked." He tells her. She glares over at the couple then takes off her robes, revealing am armored body suit. "You two armed?" She asked them as she takes the bow out of the man's hand.

John and (y/n) pull out their handguns when the man is shot and killed. John and (y/n) fire a few shots as a group of armored men come up. The couple and Akira take cover and Akira nods to some nearby men and they begin to fire arrows at the men, killing two of them.

She runs out, jumps on one man, shoots him in the head with an arrow then goes to attack while John and (y/n) go and shoot a few armored men. John jumps on one man, flips him around and shoots him the head before shooting another man while (y/n) ducks from some bullets.

She gets down close the one of the armored me, wraps her legs around the man's leg and turns over, knocking the man down before shooting him in the head. They take down the remaining men before they meet up with Akira and the remaining members of her guards. "Let's go." She said. "Hai." One of the archers said and they all run towards the hotel.

Once inside, they were immediately attacked and they started shooting at the men. They make it to the escalators and one guard tried to attack John but (y/n) was able to take him down as she grabbed the man, shot him and threw him down the escalators.

John and (y/n) shot a few more men but would fight hand to hand to anyone that got close. Akira was also taking dien some men in her own as a few men in suits started to come in and fight. One big guy try to fight Akira but she was so quick he was unable to keep up and she stabbed him several times in the legs.

He tried to crawl away from her but she stabbed him in the back as she crawled up on him until he finally died. She gets off of him and walks down the steps when she was shot in her side. "Akira!" Shimazu shouts as he comes running in the room, kills a couple of men then runs to his daughter, not seeing some men coming up behind him.

But John and (y/n) make their way to him and shoot the men. "Can you stand?" Shimazu asked Akira as he places her arm around his shoulder and helps her up. He then turns to John and (y/n) as they walk up to them.

"Get out the way you came. Go to the Umeda Station." Shimazu said. "We'll stay." John said. "Don't insult my gift to you." Shimazu said and they share a look before John nods. "And, John, do me a small courtesy. Kill as many as you can." Shimazu said as he raise a fist to John, who fist bumped him. Then John takes his wife's hand and they run as Shimazu helps his daughter to run in the opposite direction.

John and (y/n) make it to the museum area that was blinking white-blue lights and lean up against a wall. The two reload their guns then they share a look before (y/n) nods at her husband and they walk out from behind the wall and see more armed men coming and they start to shoot.

They run along the room and fire their guns at the men 'til they get into the middle of the room and just either shoot them or punch and kick at them. At one point, John ran out of bullets and threw his gun at one man and grabs at another man to pull his gun put of his hand and uses it.

(Y/n) punched and kicked at one man then used her knife bracelet to stab him in the neck. She takes his gun as he falls over and John takes another gun and shoots at the men that were on the ground, making sure they were dead.

The two started to walk when a large man in a suit grabs at (y/n) and punches her across the face, making her fall to the side. John goes to shoot at the man but he knocks the gun out of John's hand and they start to fight while (y/n) shakes her head, getting out of her daze.

The man then grabs John and tosses him against a glass case that held Nunchucks inside. John notices them and grabs them while (y/n) goes to attack the man when another suited man comes up and grabs her.

She slams the back of her head against the man's face as John gets up and hits the first man's face with the nunchucks, repeatedly. The second man that held onto (y/n) lets her go as he cups his nose and she lands on her feet, pulls out her knife bracelet and goes to stab him with it.

He does his best to block her but she was able to slice at him. Finally, she stabs him in the stomach then the chest, several times while John was able to grab a gun and shoots the guy he was fighting then the one she was fighting. (Y/n) sighs and looks to see if the dead man had a gun and takes it.

"Alright?" John asked her and she nods and they start to walk out when more gunfire sounds out. They fire back then they take cover behind some glass cases. They peak out from the edges of the cases and fire then John goes to one man and hits him in the leg with the nunchucks then his crotch.

They fight as (y/n) goes to the second man, jumps on him and swings around to get on his back. He tries to grab at her but she moves away from his hands as she stabs him in the back with several quick movements. The man yells in pain and falls to his knees before (y/n) pulls out the gun and shoots him in the back of the head.

John was able to knock his guy down and shoots him in the head as well. He places the nunchucks around his neck and (y/n) gets up and they start to walk when some armored men come in and fire at them.

John and (y/n) get behind a wall of painted glass and John takes the nunchucks off of his neck and gets into position. One of the armed men comes around, aiming his assault rifle, when John pops out and uses the nunchucks to pull the rifle out of his hand and shoots him then another guy.

The couple go around the wall and John fires through the glass at another armored man. (Y/n) hears footsteps behind her and she turns and fires her gun at them, killing one.while the second one comes up. John turns and goes to fire his rifle but found out he was out of bullets and he threw the gun at him before he goes to fight.

It seemed never ending as the couple would just punch, kick, shoot, or hit these men with nunchucks whenever they would come. But John and (y/n) were able to hold their own as they fought their way through these waves of men until finally John took down the last man then fell to his feet in exhaustion.

"John?" (Y/n) said, worried, as she kneels down next to him. "I'm fine." He whispers back to her as he takes a breath. Then she helps him up to his feet when they heard footsteps.

They look over and see an Asian man in a suit and sunglasses walking up to them, using a cane to run across the surface of the case. This was Caine. "John?" He calls out as he walks up to John, who seemed surprised to see him. "Caine." John said, a bit stunned, and Caine stops and stands a few feet in front of him.

"They gave you my name." John said, questioningly. "Yeah. And your wife's." Caine replied and (y/n) gasped, quietly, at this. "I'm sorry." John tells Caine. "Me too." Caine said before he fires his gun around and John grabs (y/n) and they run and hide.

Caine raises his cane and holds it in front of him as John and (y/n) duck down behind a wall. (Y/n) looks over to her left and sees a dead guard with a gun held in his hand. She takes it then hands it to John and he begins to look it over, seeing if it was loaded.

"You should have stayed out. For all our sakes." Caine calls out and John looks over at (y/n). "I tried." He replied and (y/n) gives him a sympathetic look. "Did you?" Caine asked as John grabs a nearby samurai sword and holds it in his left hand and the gun in his right hand.

He turns back to his wife and mouths the words stay here before he gets up. And before Caine could come around the corner, John goes to attack him with the sword but Caine was able to block it with his cane.

The two sword fight for a bit while also firing bullets at each other, but missing. Caine then pulls off the cover of his cane, revealing a sword, and the two swing swords at each other. John then ducks from a swing then goes to hide behind another wall of glass.

While they were firing guns, (y/n) was able to get up and run for a different cover in case things got bad. She could tell by the way Caine was fighting that he was blind and she knew even if this guy was a good assassin like John, there was still a good chance she could get badly hurt...more so than usual.

She hide behind a wall of glass that is behind the one John was hiding behind. And she sticks out from the edge to show him where she was. He looks over then nods as Caine sits down behind another wall and reloads his gun. "Come on, John. Let's get this shit over with." Caine said. "Yeah." John replied, breathless. "That sounds like a good idea." He said and he reloads his gun while Caine comes out from hiding and holds his sword out, hitting a glass case, as he walks around.

"You took a deal." John said to him. "Same as you, John." Caine replied. "Family?" John asked as he gets up on his knees. "Family." Caine confirms as his foot hits a dead man and his rifle.

John peaks out from his hiding and fires at Caine. Caine grabs the rifle, runs and slides on his side and fires to where he heard the gunfire. The two men keep firing through the glass wall, not hitting the other, until the glass breaks and falls.

John was on his back, his gun aimed at Caine as Caine used his sword to feel his way around. "You dead, John?" Caine asked and John keeps quiet then looks over to his side to see a gun. He goes to reach for it but made a noise and Caine catches this. John goes to grab the gun but Caine slides across the floor and blocks him from grabbing the gun.

Caine started to get up and swing his sword but John ducks then gets behind him and grabs him but Caine flips him over on the ground, gets on top of him and starts to hold the sword to John's neck. John holds the sword back at bay then looks over to see his wife sticking her head out from her hiding place.

She looked frighten and was about to move to him but he shakes his head at her. "John." Caine said. "Caine." John said as he struggles and (y/n) couldn't let him die so she goes to grab her gun and aim it at Caine.

But before she could fire, another gunfire shoots out and Caine jumps off of John and rolls away. John then gets up and runs as a man fires at Caine. John goes over to (y/n), takes her hand and they run out of the room.

They make their way outside when a few guards shoots at them and they fire back. Another suited man comes up and John fights him until he was able to knock him down and shoots him in the head. He then noticed a pin with a crest on his jacket and he takes it then pockets it.

Before (y/n) could speak, they hear a small branch breaking and the couple turn to aim their gun when a couple of guards come up. But then a dog comes up and attacks one man while the second man was shot in the head.

Then this African American man comes up while John and (y/n) aim their guns at him. "Damn, Johnny. This is quite the mess you and your woman made." He said as John stands up. "I don't know you." John said, confused. "But I know you." The man, Mr Nobody, said and he aims his gun at John.

"You a tracker?" John asked and Mr Nobody holds up his phone. "How much?" John asked. "Not enough." Mr Nobody replied as he shuts his phone and pockets it. "But it's gettin' there." Mr Nobody said as he lowers his gun.

Then a suited man comes up behind John and (y/n) but Mr Nobody shoots him, killing him. "I need you to take better care of yourself and your wife, John." Mr Nobody said as he holsters his gun. "Cause we're in this together now." He said and John stares at him then he lowers his right hand and reached out for his wife's hand, his left hand holding the gun.

She lowers her left hand, her right hand holding her gun, and they hold hands then back up before lowering their guns and run off into the woods, hand in hand.

#fandom #fanfic #fan fiction #reader insert #x reader #john wick #john wick x you #john wick x reader #john wick x y/n #john wick imagine #john wick fanfic #john wick 4 #keanu reeves #movie fan fiction

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heranubis · 3 months

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dullahans first serious cod fic? more likely than you think. originally started this after a bad night of missing my brother and decided to cope writing price. turns out i don't hate this so i decided to polish it up and post it.

major trigger warnings for: referenced sibling death (non graphic but relevant to fic), vaguely accurate angels

UNTIL THE AIR GOES QUIET: archangel john price r/insert (non descriptive) - 1.4k word count

Ever since you were a child, you would talk to angels. Your grandmother would say you had a gift, speaking to God’s children. But that’s not how you saw it. This was a curse. You see them beyond their vessels, not just people but with the changing heads of animals with too many tongues and too sharp teeth. They always smile at you but it feels more a threat than anything gentle or kind. The angels scare you – they know that, yet still they remain. It only gets worse when you lose your brother.

They wear his face sometimes. His red hair and brown eyes. You sit down with your dead brother for dinner again. It’s the last dream you ever want to have. And there’s a new angel – one who smells of blood and iron and his face weathered. He visits you the most often, says his name is John – privately, you call him Judas. He sits with you and your brother, his wings folded against his back, looking deceptively small as he simply sits and observes. He makes you uncomfortable with how much he sees and little he says, but he is always there. John is your new constant, even when the dreams with your brother stop. John is your only constant now; the others seem afraid of him – and part of you can’t help but wonder why.

You don’t dream anymore, but he keeps guard. No nightmare dares get close when John stands guard over your bed with his wings bound tight and arms folded over his chest. He stands tall and proud, every bit of the soldier he was created to be. “They won’t hurt you,” he says, his voice is scratchy, like he hasn’t had to use it in a long time. “I won’t let them close. Sleep as long as you need to.” And you do – for several days and as many nights, you sleep undisturbed. John never removes from his position of guard.

Something has changed with this angel – when you look at him you no longer see the heads of bears, wolves, and boars; you simply see a man. His eyes are tired and blue and he smiles so gently at you, as if anything sharper and you will break. He looks at you like he cares, like he wants good and gentle things for you. One day, you work up the bravery to ask why. “Grief is love with no place to go” he says and there is a sadness, a sense of knowing in his eyes. “As you are, once I was” are the last words your angel speaks.

His vow of silence lasts many years – he remains in your shadow, but he does not speak again. He kneels with you, when you pray for your brother, but his lips do not move nor does he fold his hands or close his eyes. There is an anger there, something that bubbles beneath the surface, waiting for eruption. The other angels speak to you again – tell you of John’s punishment. You pray for his absolution – for his sins to be forgiven and his tongue freed of its burden. Not for the first time, your prayers go unanswered.

You don’t believe in god anymore – you like to believe she loved you, once upon a time. What is a mother's love if not giving away her most faithful son and sending him to guard the sheep who has lost its flock. What mother is more worshipped than the one who carves the staff that keeps wolves at bay. What mother turns her back on the creations she crafted with such tenderness that you have both a heart to break and ribs to crack. God tells you he is forgiven – and then she splits you open.

The angels say they love you, but they look upon you with eyes of scorn and judgement. Your back has never born wings, yet the scars remain between your shoulder blades. You have taken John’s punishment as your own, and he speaks to you when not another soul is around to hear. “Never tell anyone,” he whispers in the dead of night – his lips to your ear and all you can feel is how his beard scratches against your skin, how rough and soothing it is. “Try and remember that. Never tell anyone anything, ever again.”

You take his words to your very soul – you will never tell anyone of the way your angel looks at you. You do not repeat his secrets – they are yours now, and they will die with you. He tells you one night, as he holds you close to his chest. “Look hard at my wings. There will be no more after me.” And you do – you memorize every feather even as they bleed and meld with his skin and muscle. That is truly the final night you dream, and it is the one that scares you most.

You see god’s face – except there is no face. She is everything and nothing, beautiful and horrible and god. “Your life was never meant to be punishment,” she tells you. “Those are not your scars to carry, sweet one.” You cannot see her eyes, but you can feel as they stare deeply into you, everything you have been or will be. “You are hiding” she says, the silence from before long and heavy and gone. “Why”

“To hide the fact that it’s me.” you finally say – and your voice is not fully your own. John is there, in your shadow, as he always is. You can feel his stare on you, feel his wings as they wrap around you like a shield from her gaze. “To make up for the fact I want to run away, but instead I sit very still. Because I’m afraid.” His wings are hiding you completely now, his face cradled in the crook of your neck and arms wrapped tightly around you, as if afraid you’ll disappear the second he lets go. Your next words are to the man behind you – and you know he knows. “I love you, I don’t know if you like me. I want you to.”

“My child – your angel loves you. He has loved you in every life, and it is his purpose of creation to find you, to covet and adore – but he cannot keep you. Your angel loves you. Let your heart be uncomfortable with that until you find healing.”

That night is the last time you hear god speak – it is the first time your eyes open to John wrapped around you. His wings are curled around you like a shell, a barrier from the outside world. He loves you – that is his punishment. You want to be yourself again, you want to stop knowing everything that you know. He opens those hauntingly blue eyes, and you only see the face of a man. “We are made to serve,” he whispers. His voice is as gentle as his touch as he buries his face (his shame) between the scars on your back. “I hope you want more for us, too.”

You don’t hear the angels anymore. You were merciful, and now all will know of you – that's what John says to fill the silence. Your kindness does not save you from the sin of loving that which is forbidden, but it earns you sympathy, affection. He tells you of the whispers, things that will never reach your ears. You are young and learning how to live, so they will watch over you just as John has.

They will keep you safe, they will love you as one of their own. But mainly they say it’s ok that you loved John. He is big and old and scarred, they said he would be loved. They say it cannot be a mistake to have loved, it cannot be an error to have tried. it cannot be incorrect to have tried.

There is only one more thing they say before all is silent except for John’s snores beside you – he loves you. Your brother, who has seen your angel in the dreams and given him his blessing. Your brother, who knows he leaves you in good and gentle hands. Your brother, who knows your angel who has forsaken his wings to live with you in this life. Your brother, who has denied this love it’s inevitable tragedy.

There is no one left to love you, so John will love you.

#heranubis #call of duty #john price x reader #if this doesnt make sense im sorry LOL #it kinda ran away from me halfway through #modern warefare 2

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shallowseeker · 8 months

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I don't really agree with your demon dean takes but i find them interesting

K. Much of this is just my lens and experience, you know? My beloved brain-addled Gramps grabbed my ass one day from his hospital bed. Was that his "true self?"

Basically, I don't buy into the whole, "release your inhibitions" wholesale. Inhibitions taken to extremes can be bad, sure, like how they are rigidly enforced with angels. On the flipside, I don't think disinhibition is automatically "good" or "your super-duper secret true self." Inhibitions are actually a key component of decision-making and free will.

I don't actually disagree with other takes on Demon Dean. I let most of them co-exist in my head. They're fun. A) I just see this particular take less often, and I like it. B) It gives me a shit-ton of mileage in filtering the side stories of the season:

DEAN HATED BEING A DEMON

Dean talks about how he hated becoming a demon, and he asks Cas to kill him if he goes darkside again.

As a demon, Dean doesn't actually act like himself; he mistreats the girl he sleeps with, which is not his MO at all.

He sings badly, and the Dean we know is into music even since Robin and sings quite well.

He's not his full integrated self, he's often disinhibited, bitter, and numb.

It's a callback to his original trauma in Hell, "being carved into a new animal." Hell, it's an odious nod to Alastair.

There are glimmers of his soul fighting to get out. Moments of lucidity, you might say.

He thanks Cas for, "stepping in when you did." Another callback to Dean's original Hell rescue.

via @silver-stake-through-the-heart - he didn’t care about Baby! “She was just a car.” Dean didn’t care about Baby or himself. He became an animal with no interiority that requires no tenderness, like “just a dumb car.”

LOSS OF CONTROL; DISORGANIZED PSYCHOLOGY

During season 10, Dean has recurring nightmares about the loss of control.

...because he hated being a demon beholden to instinct, sundered from his own emotions. (It's a parallel to Naomi's super-soldier-Cas.)

That's what killing the human traffickers was really about; if Dean had lined them up and executed them under his own free will with full faculties, it wouldn't have bothered anyone.

Like when Mary views Jack's torture-kill in season 14, it's about the "kill signature." And well, the loss of control does have some research to back it up when it comes to assessing a worsening disorganized psychology. Mary is a lifelong hunter and would be hip to recognizing the signs of a hunter losing himself/losing touch with reality.

As much as I love to joke about Dean trying to crack Sam's skull open with a hammer, that's not what Dean really wants. In this scene, he becomes a specter of Lucifer/Nick Vaught (a former mark bearer; known for his volatility and impulse issues).

PIMPS & PROSTITUTES & ROOFIES

Randy/Claire/Salinger-the-human-trafficker is parallel to Crowley/Dean/Cain-the-father-of-murder.

Claire loves Randy as Dean loves Crowley: he seemed kind and like he was giving Dean new purpose & support...at first. Randy showed remorse after he threw Claire to the wolves. He still "loved" Claire, probably. Same with Crowley. (Horribly, I'm 99% sure Claire would have forgiven Randy, too, eventually.)

Like how Claire forgave Cas, ofc. Claire will take any scrap of affection. Literally, the way past her defenses is just to give a damn, no matter what else has happened.

Raoul-the-pimp-soul-collector-that-Rowena-kills & Shaylene-the-prostitute is definitely a parallel to Crowley & Dean, right down to the brutal capitalism of Hell's soul deals.

Dean's story about John "saving" him from what is surely a close encounter with being roofied is a nod to Dean's sexual abuse as a minor, even though Dean plays it off as sexy, fun, and cool. Part of me thinks John actually walked in on a drugged-up-teen-Dean being statutory-raped by a bunch of adults. Or at the very least, sexually assaulted.

He feels like John set him up to be vulnerable and then turned around and shamed him harshly for becoming damaged goods.

SHAME & SUICIDE

This is why there's this constant swirl of SHAME and SUICIDE with regard to Dean's time as Demon Dean and becoming a knight of Hell through the Mark of Cain.

Dean even emphasizes some of the friendly, cute moments. It's the same way he retells the bar story as being Super Cool. Even Sam thinks his retelling of CBGB is a heartwarming tale. A lighthearted “summer of love,” if you will. Sam doesn’t get it. He never will.

DEAN: Somehow, we convince him to let us go. So, we all go. We all, you know, see all the sights, and uh, ride the subway, eat too much pizza. The whole nine. Well, by about midnight, Sam and Dad are zonked, and I figure… Screw it. I’m going to CBGB. All right, so I get there. I sneak in, and it is nuts. I mean, people are drinking and they’re smoking and they’re—they’re snorting whatever. There’s a five-hundred pound guy on stage with a Mohawk just screaming. And, uh, my mind is blown. I don’t even know what to do. Then this girls walks up and she says “Hey, why don’t you come over and sit down with me and my friends at our table?” All right! SAM: Yeah, and they get him drunk. First time. DEAN: But not fun drunk. I’m not quite sure what was in that stuff, but the room starts to spin, and I feel like I’m going to puke … forever. And right about that time, I hear him. “Dean Winchester!” ...My old man. I don’t know how, but he found me. And now I’m really freaking out, because he’s just standing there, not saying anything. I look around, and everybody else is freaking out, too. In fact, nobody’s even looking him in the eye. And finally, this one guy with, like, a safety pin through his nose and a—a “Kill Everything” tattoo looks up and he says, “Sorry, sir.”

So yeah, Demon Dean wasn't a positive experience on the whole, even though he, parallel to Claire, pretty much forgives everyone about it. She, too, is a heart character.

He only reveals how much he hated it...to Cas, really.

DISINHIBITION (REDUX)

This disinhibition of the mark rears its head again when Dean visits the college campus and makes comments about the girls there. That's not an accident of writing; it's a neon sign for how demon Dean and MoC!Dean acts, and why.

That's not in line with the Dean we've known in seasons prior OR after. It's simply...inappropriate disinhibition. Like a frontotemporal injury. Not the true self.

Dean beats on people as revenge for how he was wronged, too. If you look closely, he beats on Cas in a very similar way to how Cas beat on him in seasons 5 & 8.

Much of his behavior is an outpouring of those times Dean felt powerless in his life.

SLUTS, VALIDATION & VICTIMIZATION

Then, we have Mr. McKinley and the "slut daughter," Rose.

Dean says, "And you know what? I don't blame Rose anymore. No wonder she put on that skank outfit and went out there looking for validation, right into the arms of the monster that killed her."

Dean is finally unleashing his anger about what happened to him re: Cain and re: the CBGB incident.

For all his talk of "making Claire tougher," he's looking at how vulnerable he was, and he's finally starting to process the magnitude of that.

This is probably why he's not acting as outlandishly sexual in the later seasons, as much as I'd like to put it down to Cas's presence (Cas's presence is certainly meaningful).

But actually, it's that Dean processed why he acted in a certain way, and he's reflected on how it actually made him feel. (His protective locker room talk, of course, remains.)

CAS AS WHAT DEAN WISHED FOR FROM JOHN

That Cas gives Claire up to a healthier, safer life is what Dean wishes John would've done for him...left him with Sunny, perhaps.

Cas wants to keep Claire, because he loves her, but he can't repair the damage he did to her life.

Giving her up to Jody was the best thing. He's not equipped to care for Claire, like how John wasn't equipped to care for Sam or Dean.

Dean wishes John had been like Cas, and apologized, even though the situation was damn-near unfixable. He wishes John had tried to make amends anyway.

So when I say I get a lot of mileage, it's simply this. I get a lot of mileage. It's a fun lens for me, personally. And before you bring it up, yes, I do see the drug addiction parallels; I see addiction as quite complicated stuff.

I also think that Crowley is legitimately integrating his own humanity and catching feelings, but it doesn't erase the core of the whole situation. Crowley is also dealing with the events that led him to become a demon in the first place. He was abandoned, he drank too much in order to cope with an "unsuccessful" life, and he was tricked by a demon in a back alley who played on his dick insecurities.

He is like Metatron was to Cas. He saw that Dean was vulnerable, and he orchestrated a situation as a means to gain power in Hell. Ruby did this, too, with Sam. She had an agenda to get him corrupted and served on a silver platter to Lucifer. Demons do what demons do. It's not a judgment on my part so much as an observation.

I do think that, over time, it's shown that regular demons do have the capacity to get a better hold on their instincts, make connections, and can even remember how to love (SEE: Meg). The Mark was just...a much harder situation. Makes you reconsider Cain and Lucifer's plight a little bit, mmm?

#spn + disinhibition #i don't usually put this on main #but why not #feelin cute #oh besties and moots don't hate me #frontotemporal disinhibition #drugs as disinhibition #the extreme losses of free will #asks

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inevitably-johnlocked · 11 months

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Hello again!

Okay I'm just here for a chat (if thats okay) (i think you're lovely!)

There are some stuff about the show that really bother me you know... First of all in season 4 What Happens to John Watson.. like he is simply characterized by loyalty right it is who he is, then HOW does he cheat on Mary?! (Okay granted that his heart was elsewhere... ahem. But he's just not someone who would cheat)

Also i think Mary shouldn't be a villain... i know she possibly looks like it messes up Johnlock but i think its the opposite actually. I think John is bisexual and his love for her was real but she was basically a Sherlock substitute who looked like him (John)! Plus, she was there when he was at rock bottom so. But what doesn't make sense is her shooting Sherlock in the chest?! What's up with that!

Okay but the Weirdest part is in the last episode when Sherlock has to choose between John and Mycroft and finally choses to shoot himself... BOTH John and Mycroft do Nothing?? HOW

AAAAA the Last Season was SO much angst.. i think this fandom saved me <3

In my head It was love at first sight... and then slowly falling head over heels crazy in love with your best friend and all of it culminating in the most beautiful TV Romance.

(okay im sorry i think i ranted a bit)

Hi Lovely!

Inbox is always open for a chat (even if it takes me a long time to get to it, LOL), so no worries!

Let's address each of you things one by one:

What HAPPENS to John Watson – Your guess is as good as mine, Lovely, and it's a lot of the reason a lot of us can't take S4 seriously. It feels so OOC for John to cheat on Mary with ANY other woman, other than Sherlock (hence it being part of the Alibi theory, this part of it referencing SHERLOCK as being the one John is actually texting in the night), so many of us just don't think that S4 is what it appears to be on the surface. Of course, it could all just be a coping mechanism to deal with how dirty a beloved series did it's fandom, but we take what we can get, honestly.

As for villain Mary, I have to respectfully disagree, only because I believe that I think they were setting her up in S3 to BE a kickass antagonist for S4. Amanda ALSO thought they were going that route for a bit until (my speculation) things went sour with MF, AND they built up her character as a psychopath imho. Then they made her character attempt a piss-poor redemption arc that just... really soiled S4 for me because I firmly believe that John would have NEVER forgiven Mary for trying to kill Sherlock after seeing what it did to him the first time.

But to your point: John is bisexual, yes, but I don't think he's biromantic. I think he's homoromantic, and it's VERY played up in the series that this is the case: his blasé attitude about ALL his girlfriends, but pouncing around the close men in his life like a puppy? Heck, if Lestrade was single, I have NO doubt John would have taken his chances with him too, LOL. John is horny. That's literally the gist of it. He likes sex, he doesn't care what hole it goes in, just as long as he gets it. But I do think he forms VERY strong attachments to men in his life, and in turn he gets hurt, so he pretends he's not into men because it's "just easier" (you can read more posts about my and others' thoughts on John's sexuality here). He was with Mary because he was lonely, and Mary played him like a fiddle. She knew what John liked, and played that up. I believe it's even explicitly stated she knows what John likes. They only knew each other 6 months, CONVENIENTLY just before Sherlock was on his way back? Even ANDERSON picked up on Sherlock making his way back to London. I believe she was a Moriarty plant to see if John knew Sherlock was for-real dead, and she herself enjoyed the game and stealing and keeping John for herself away from Sherlock was part of that game upon the return. So yeah, I really have a hard time believing she OR John actually loved each other. I dunno, again, personal biases and readings of the series, apologies, LOL. I spent a LOT of time analysing Mary's character arc. But I WANTED her to be the big bad for S4, and it just... fizzled and died.

And finally, on your point about the weirdness of John nor Mycroft opting to stop Sherlock, yeah, have to agree with you there. TFP was a goddamned clustereff of WTF moments and mischaracterizations of literally every character on-screen. The only character NOT in character was Eurus and that's literally because they didn't know what to fucking do with her. TFP was so dumb. I have a hard time believing any of it actually happened the way it did on-screen. But yeah, S4 was a big disappointment for everyone including the actors. I think they only people who thought it was great was Mofftiss and that's because they love the smell of their own farts. I can't believe that they GENUINELY thought TFP was going to be Emmy-worthy (for those unaware, they initially planned to nominate TFP for the Emmy, and instead chose TLD, I believe, after the poor reception of TFP, and acted like they were always going to nominate TLD lol).

Anyway, yeah, it was full of angst, though my reasons for it are probably different than everyone else's, LOL. But the fandom IS fantastic, and that's why we stay here, and why I choose now to curate fandom content. Makes me happy, and keeps me out of drama, LOL.

Thank you so much for giving ME the opportunity to chat and rant! It's been so long since I've done mini meta, and posted my thoughts about everything. I like chatting.

Hope you're having a wonderful day, and sorry again for the delay! <3

#steph replies #chatting with lovelies #sherlock all seasons #the mary problem #my thoughts #sherlock mini meta #my meta #who is john watson #john's sexuality #s4 shitposting #salty steph

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dogtheories · 11 months

Text

i already really liked how they executed every single thing in the finale. big finale fan but the more i sit with it the more right it feels that they undercut every opportunity barry had to martyr himself and go out (to his mind) as a hero in some kind of blaze of glory while saving john or killing fuches or hank or gene or something. in the end he went out with a whimper achieving nothing but dooming gene. he never owned up to himself or had a chance to bring his guilt back up and face it or redeem himself or anything. he was never going to be able to. he threw that away a long time ago to live in denial and pretend that a higher power forgave him seeing as he couldnt get the people he wanted to be forgiven by to accept him. he stared too far into the void of his self and couldnt face what he'd been made into so he became someone superficial and fickle and there was never going to be any kind of emotional catharsis. and in the end he just got taken out by the father he loved from across the room and nobody ever held him again

#soda.txt #im pretty sure the only person he Might have directly killed all season was the podcast guy who tried to kill Him. lol #barry spoilers

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holyshonks · 5 months

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I don't know you. But you are the only one I follow that I feel somewhat comfortable saying this to, since none of my friends are into halo and I'm only just getting into it-

I only know some of the lore, but imagine if the characters met their old selves, before their "canon events" happen.

Before Atriox loses his planet, or even before he goes against the covenant.

Before Thel gets marked a heretic, and becomes the Arbiter.

Before John gets taken to become a spartan.

Atriox made a mistake, and chose the wrong choice for the sake of his own pride and honor, and the pride and honor of his crew (from what I know from the lore.) Thel made a mistake, and his failure was too grave to be forgiven completely, but without it he would never had gone on the path away from Truth to find actual truth. If John wasn't as good in class, or wasn't as strong, he would have never been taken from his family.

I think it would break them in separate ways.

I think Atriox would break a bit, cause I doubt he'd warn himself. If he did, I don't know if past Atriox would be too stubborn to listen or not.

Thel would break on both ends. Current Thel would be looking at an old pride, a false pride. Past Thel would see a villain he lived to become, instead of dying honorably for the covenant: marked as a heretic, betrayed and killed one of the Prophets, works along side the "demon." Both would probably be too devastated to talk, but for different reasons.

John would probably be the worst though. He would see an innocent child, a human that he couldn't get to be. The kid stolen, not just from his parents, but from himself. He'd probably give a bullshit speech to the kid, saying how he'll grow up to be a hero or something, but internally he would be dying. He could have been normal. He could have been human. Not a soldier, not a spartan, not a beckon of hope. He could have been a kid, with straight As and a good future ahead of him. If the covenant didn't exist, or a different plan of action was taken, John could have had a normal life, started a family of any kind (married, adopted kids, adopted dogs, stayed with college friends, stayed with his parents, etc.) But now he can't, he grew up, and will never be that kid with a bright future ever again. That kid was killed, and in his place, raised a beckon of hope and justice, that didn't have any real choice in rising from his ashes.

Sorry for rambling in your ask box, had no one else to talk to about this idea that has been bugging me since I've been brainstorming about halo-

Thank you for such a thought-provoking ask! I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to share. I’ve tried to give it the consideration it deserves.

The Human-Covenant war was long, and the characters change a lot (something Halo does well that I take for granted too often).

I do wonder if Atriox would have done things differently, had he known how far Cortana was willing to go. He’s proud but he’s not a fanatic. He isn’t one to call a bluff without weighing the possibilities. But would he go so far as to tell his old self to back down? Refusing to submit is the foundation of his worldview–he defied the Covenant, an arguably worse, more pervasive threat (at least at the time). I agree that he wouldn’t be able to tell himself to compromise his belief system, because in his mind, it would compromise the principles of the Banished, which are more important than any planet. I think it would hurt him, but he would not do things differently.

I think Thel would be the only one who might actually try to convince his past self to alter the course of his life. He got a second chance and gives second chances in turn–no one is completely forfeit. It is always worth trying to reach people who have been led astray. But it wouldn’t be for his own sake. While he may believe that he deserved to go through what he did, his morality is more important than penance. He might do it to lower the death count, not for himself, but for the people whose lives he stole in the furtherance of a lie. Would his past self listen? As you say, probably not–the precise events that opened his eyes were so high stakes, so impossible, that he probably wouldn’t care to listen to a disgraced version of himself. Worse, he might even double-down and cause greater damage in an attempt to course-correct. So he might let the past be the past and focus on the future, as he has been. He is haunted but hopeful–otherwise it's just him and the ghosts.

Sadly, I actually think John does not have the emotional intelligence to mourn his childhood. One thing I think you’ll notice as you get deeper into the lore is that the Spartan-IIs have a complex, rationalizing relationship with their conscription. Even when offered a look at their personnel files, Blue Team declines, and the way they seem to rationalize it is that it just does not matter. And, in their shoes, it makes sense. They know the Spartans turned the tide of the war. They know that humanity was doomed without them. So, thank goodness, no? Thank goodness they were kidnapped, thank goodness they were trained and augmented so that they could save their species. Their beliefs are reinforced with every new danger they encounter. When their origins are thrown back at them, the standard reaction seems to be that it was not ideal but it was necessary. It’s interesting, because it's the type of war crime that they would probably try to stop if it was anyone but the UNSC.

John logically understands that what Halsey did was wrong. But he does not regret it. He, like her, for so long, believes it was necessary. Even if the Covenant never attacked, the Insurrection was still a looming threat. I think his protective instincts are too all-encompassing. He doesn’t want to be normal. Normal people are helpless. He wants to be strong, because it is the only way to keep people he cares about safe. And even then, he fails sometimes.

Even harder is admitting to himself that he was abused. It’s hard to look back on the one life you’ve got and say “this was tragic and horrible”. It’s easier to say “I am doing this because I am needed,” than to say “I am doing this because I am being used.”

It might be easier for a well-adjusted person, who feels good and hopeful about where their life is going, but John is not that. His most cherished people are missing or dead. He is missing, technically. And he shoulders the blame for every loss. I don’t think he’s done the inner work necessary to acknowledge that growing up normally would have been a good thing.

And just because I pitch Halo books at every opportunity, the Kilo-Five trilogy tackles a lot of hard topics, including the reality of Spartan-II kidnapping and a Spartan-II who is deeply angry at Catherine Halsey for taking away her childhood. I have my hang-ups about it, but it is brave about challenging the messaging around the Spartans in a way that most Halo novels are not.

Welcome to Halo!

#asks #halo

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