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egophiliac · 1 month

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Serious question.

Do you think we’ll see the parents/family of each of the guys???

Like, We’ve been TEASED with Ace’s brother, that I’m starting to think it’s just a reference to that Alice in Wonderland park character in Japan and nothing else….

Jack’s family, Ruggie’s grandma, Falena, Maleficia, Ms.Rosehearts, Just now Vil’s dad is in the picture which I am really happy but now I’m wondering about his mom, and so Deuce’s mom.

I mean, some HAVE a silhouette!! It could mean they do have a design in the making/ready to show. They could’ve shown us Falena in the Tamashina (hope I said that correctly) event, but didn’t (prolly to make Leona not so σ(▼□▼メ) and it’s understandable)

Anyhow, any idea/headcannon about this? Who do you want to see first?

I'm wondering if everyone might eventually get a travel event? like they've now introduced with Vil's that it doesn't have to be specifically hometowns, so that opens things up a lot! (especially if they have to figure out how to do three separate Coral Sea visits) (how would that even work otherwise)

but yeah, I hope everyone gets a chance! there's a lot of backstory characters I would LOVE to meet. :D :D :D though I do think some of them don't really suit the more light-hearted tone of the events (pretty sure you're right about that being why Falena wasn't in Tamashina-Mina, that would've just been. too much for Leona.) so like...we're probably not ever going to meet the Rosehearts. or Maleficia (although I maintain that this would be THE funniest possible way to introduce her outside of the main story, and actually I would love this a lot, can we please Twst) (I need to see her to put Malleus in a froofy little outfit and tell him what a handsome boy he is). but they've sprung surprises like Kifaji on us, and honestly anyone who shows up and tells embarrassing stories about characters' childhoods is good in my book!

characters off the top of my head who I most want to meet: literally any of the Zigvolts, Azul's mom, Ace's brother, Che'nya's grandfather (<- I think he would be a good one for Riddle) (please just any non-terrible adult in his life), any member of Rook's family because I need to see how they managed to produce him, and...really just whoever they can come up with for Silver.

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #tapis rouge #tamashina mina #i think it's just those two #(i am very very sorry about how long it took to reply to this)#but yeah i don't know if everyone is actually doable! i just want to ~believe~#though silver would also have one of the zigvolts honestly #(they are the only reason lilia managed to actually raise him without silver like. falling through a manhole looney tunes style.)#so let's say he gets sebek's mom and sebek gets his dad. just because it would make sebek VERY annoyed.#god i want to meet azul's mom though. everything we know about her makes her sound AMAZING #i want her to feed me lunch and teach me how to take no shit #ANYWAY i do also wonder about vil's mom...#i had been thinking we might learn something about her during tapis rouge. but nope! not a mention.#i guess we did establish that vil either went with eric or was cared for by the house staff when he was traveling #so i dunno! it doesn't necessarily mean anything she might just be a busy lady doing busy things #i just wonder!

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abd-illustrates · 5 months

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I might’ve spoiled the plot of Natlan | Genshin Impact THEORY

In which I read so much lore that I gained the power to see the future (maybe) This ended up being a real challenge to make - but it was also really fun! Please do lemme know what you reckon of these ideas, and whether y’all wanna see me pattern-recognition my way into several corkboards worth of theories about any other topics sometime down the line! (^^)/

(also: HAPPY NEW YEAR! 🥳🎉 Here's wishing y'all every good thing for 2024)

#artists on tumblr #abd illustrates #genshin impact #natlan #game theory #idek how to tag this one i've never made a vid like this before uhm-- sgdfksdf #anyway oh my GOD i have had so many brain bees about this topic for the longest time #ik making a half hour video about it is unhinged enough but the fact that nobody else seemed to be talking about some of the patterns #was drivin me BONKERS #im so normal about this lore y'all mhm #but also silly tho the energy of this one is #im really proud of it! it was wierdly scary to branch out from my usual content like this #so i do sincerely hope it's a fun watch (^^)/#i'd love to make more off-the-wall and like deep-dive type stuff like this sometime if it goes over well 💖#it also took-- sO LONG TO MAKE #full time video essayists are to be feared i have learned #Youtube

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coolsvilleprincess · 2 months

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They're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Oz!!

I actually started this last month and then got burnt out and didn't finish it until now but whatever I FINISHED IT!! I finished watching Scooby Doo and Guess Who last month and there's a Wizard of Oz parody in the last episode and I just knew I had to do fanart, a legal requirement if you will.

I kept Shaggy, Fred and Velma's costumes from the episode the same but I thought Daphne and Scooby deserved costumes that were a bit more personal too. But who would the wizard in question be?? Well don't worry because I drew art for that too!!

I just can't stop thinking about a proper direct to DVD scooby WOZ parody film and how Van Ghoul should be the wizard, like in my head it's perfect.

#my art #scooby doo #scooby doo fanart #daphne blake #fred jones #shaggy rogers #velma dinkley #mystery incorporated #scooby doo and guess who #vincent van ghoul #mystery inc #the background took so long god it was so hard to figure out #im a not background girlie I mostly do character art so I figured the best way to learn was to draw something I like #idk i looked at other scooby background arts from trick or treat and the other modern movies but I still cannot BG paint I fear #turned out pretty alright though Im happy with it #mad props to background painters cause idk how they do it well I suppose they both know how to do it and enjoy doing it so thats how #but whatever the point is that it impresses me as I drew one and burnt out #but I LOVED drawing that sandwich like listen shaggy and scooby had a point to make when they make those things

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kimbapisnotsushi · 8 months

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oh please talk about kawanishi taichi i love that silly guy

OF COURSE ANON I TOO LOVE THAT SILLY GUY LET'S GET IT!!

(also i am SO sorry for taking so long oh my god i am back in action and catching up i promise!!)

i think he likes beanies in his casual wear

idk kawanishi feels like such a beanie person but not the douchebag slouchy ones he's got one that's a little snug and has something embroidered on it like a bird or something

okay that's a lie. he has ONE douchebag slouchy beanie that makes him look like how a high school romance shoujo mangaka of the mid-2000s would dress a flashy somewhat-delinquent teenage boy (honey lemon soda my beloved)

this, of course, could not be farther from the truth

the entire second year is scared of him bc they never somehow realize he's there until he says something and they're like "holy SHIT". this also means he knows a bunch of hot gossip

(the hot gossip miyagi group chat: kawanishi, watari, onagawa, and narita)

on the other hand. that means the students of 2-5 win the contest for "best cultural festival attraction" between classes bc they had the best haunted house the miyagi prefecture had ever seen

he's on really good terms with the school nurse because sometimes he sneaks into the infirmary to take naps during lunch or gym periods

knows how to lockpick BECAUSE he keeps trying to sneak into the infirmary. and occasionally the school roof for their "team bonding picnics" so that tendou doesn't have to keep swiping the key from the student council

i'm not just saying this bc i like enamel pins but i think kawanishi DOES like enamel pins. he's got a collection of these edgy sarcastic ones that he thinks are hilarious in a "started-ironically-and-now-i-can't-stop-pipeline" kind of way

he's got this whole tumblr-grunge-indie-hipster thing going on with his douchebag slouchy beanie and denim jacket with pins all over the collar and ripped jeans and converse sneakers and shirabu thinks he pulls it off unfairly well

i feel like kawanishi also really likes fantasy/sci-fi and is actually SUCH a huge secret nerd about it. and really likes cyberpunk and fantasyland settings you'd get from like idk snow white with the red hair or nivalis (i KNOW it's an indie game that's not even out yet but sue me i don't know cyberpunk all that well)

he and tsukki actually become friends while arguing about how much of akira is deep meaning and how much of it is actually just straight up bullshit because WHAT the fuck was that

also he's subscribed to a bunch of these small artists on youtube who make background music and fun art to go with them bc he can put together a great soundtrack for getting hw and studying done

likes getting lil gifts for shirabu, especially to add to his stationary collection. shirabu has sticky notes in the shape of whales and ice cream and paper lanterns and washi tape with fireworks and beach motifs and bakery stuff and it's all because of kawanishi

kawanishi just sticks to the plain solid-color square sticky notes that he uses to leave shirabu notes around his dorm. just small things, really, a reminder that this is a place shirabu belongs and it is a place he is loved. you're doing great. get some water soon. i'll bring you dinner, just text me. don't forget to sleep.

and shirabu will be hard pressed to admit it, but those might be his favorite sticky notes of all

#LMAO WAIT I REMEMBERED SOMETHING I COULD HAVE USED INSTEAD OF NIVALIS #not that i should have bc idk if it counts nor can i rec it in good conscience but. the aesthetic fits i think #anyways i googled a bunch of stuff for this and that's how i learned that final fantasy is apparently cyberpunk???#this completely messes with the image i had of it in my head for like. the entire last eight years or so #also like. i'm assuming this came from my mixed inarizaki/shiratorizawa post where i talked kawanishi and kawashira there a bit #so pardon me for getting a lil bit sappy there at the end. bc i love them #ANYWAYS I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO GET OUT OH MY GOD I HOPE YOU ENJOY ANON TY FOR THE ASK <333 #kawanishi taichi #shirabu kenjirou #kawashira #honorable mention also goes to:#tsukishima kei #and #tendou satori #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#haikyuu hcs #sou says stuff

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asurrogateblog · 28 days

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Cannibals, Pirates, and PhDs: How Did I Get Here?

I mentioned in some tags earlier that I’ve only actually been a real fan of Pink Floyd for under a year, and that the confluence of events that led up to it is pretty absurd. Some interest seemed to be taken in this, so I though I’d elaborate.

I didn’t know how to shorten this timeline and have it make any sense, so it’s... long. But idk, I think it’s pretty funny. If you’re nosy like I am this is for you.

My Backstory Timeline:

early childhood: my parents essentially mainline me and my little sister with The Beatles. I know almost no songs written past the 70’s until at least sixth grade. I develop a childhood crush on Paul McCartney, a joke that the universe really decides to play the long game on.

2014: my dad calls me over one night, and gravely tells me he’s been waiting to share something until I’m old enough. I brace myself to be told about sex or secret half-siblings. Instead, he tells me I need to listen to The Wall. Irritated at the idea of wasting an hour and half of my night, I nevertheless comply and go up to my room and put it on. I do not come back from this, clearly having inherited some sort of generational curse.

Around the same time, I am also secretly watching Hannibal every time my parents send me upstairs because Game of Thrones is “too gory”. This will trigger three important things: an interest in psychology, a love of horror media, and a classical music phase will train my attention span to last well past the three minute mark.

2014-2023: Over the intervening years, I become a casual fan of Pink Floyd, but make a deliberate point not to learn anything about the band. I like being able to imagine my own meanings for the songs. Also, I am motivated against this by a childhood memory of being deeply frightening by a picture of old Paul McCartney (LOL). I do not want that to ever happen again, so no learning.

Cut to April of 2023: I am finishing up my first year of my PhD program studying media psychology. I am in a bad place mentally, and am going through another horror movie phase to fill the hole. As a result, I get very into American Psycho. The main character, Patrick Bateman, is a fan of superficial 80’s pop music, particularly Genesis. I decide to start listening to Genesis to see if I agree with his tastes. While researching “best Genesis albums”, I come across The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway. I listen to it, and am blown away. I had no idea that the Phil Collins band made music like that. This sends me down the prog-rock rabbit hole. I still won't learn any lore.

Summer of 2023: MEANWHILE, I am also going through another pirate phase. I have a fairly encyclopedic knowledge of 18th century piracy (and am still quite active in the Black Sails fan community). Around this time, I get really obsessed with this one random guy named Dennis McCarthy who was hanged in 1718.

I decide to work poor Dennis into a science fiction story I’ve been working on. The premise is essentially that the universe is an abandoned simulation, and a ‘glitch in the matrix’ starts to, among other things, bring people from the wrong time periods back to life. The format of the story is vaguely monster-of-the-week, in which the characters have to solve various problems caused by mistakes in the code. I think, “hey, you know what would be perfect for this? that fanfic I wrote about The Wall in high school.” Said fic (which that stupid fucking beatles movie stole from me) is about a world in which Pink Floyd never existed, but a wannabe rock-star discovers a box full of their records and decides to copy them. While he is touring his plagiarized version of The Wall, he realizes that the events of the album are starting to happen to him in real life. By working this concept into my new story, I go through another one of my periodical The Wall phases. It's in full swing when fall rolls around.

September of 2023: This semester, I take a grad-level narrative theory class in the English department. I decide it would be helpful to follow along with a specific example, so I choose The Wall. Using the terminology I am learning in the class, I start to realize that The Wall is…. incredibly narratologically fucked up. To help orient me, I watch the bootleg concert recordings, and the trick with the surrogate band sends me so out of my mind that I decide I must break my rule about never learning band lore.

This is where the two plot-lines converge. I don’t remember which came first, but around this same time, I think to myself “hey, if Genesis was hiding such an incredible album under the 80’s pop, what must Pink Floyd be hiding?” On that whim, I put on Piper at the Gates of Dawn, which equally sends me so out of my mind that I decide I must break my rule about never learning band lore. I needed to know what the fuck happened to get them from Piper to The Wall.

September-November: In the two months between the onset of this and finally making another sideblog, I dedicate all of my free time to learning as much about Pink Floyd as humanely possible (and writing a 20 page essay for that narrative theory class). As you can imagine, this is a lot to unpack all at once for someone who didn’t even know who Roger or Syd or any of the rest of them were. Luckily, I am over-educated enough to be a very fast learner. Aside from the band lore itself, I of course also fall in love with the rest of Pink Floyd's discography musically-speaking. Having this interest to latch onto genuinely pulls me out of my depression.

Cut to February 2024: I am really enjoying myself, and want to keep this going as long as possible, but I am starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel on Pink Floyd lore. I decide I need to feed the fire by supplementing with lore from another band. The Beatles seem to have a strong fan presence on tumblr, why not revisit a childhood favorite? The universe laughs at my expense.

That about brings us up to date. I have gone through so much character development over the last eight months, it’s crazy. Pink Floyd is definitely one of those things that is less of a “phase” and more of a permanent part of my mindscape. Weirdly enough, since I am studying media psychology, all of this has also been really good for my career? I never took an interest in -real- media figures (as opposed to fictional characters) before, and I feel like I have a much clearer sense of things now. It's definitely influenced my research, so whatever domino effect this has on my future is bound to get even funnier.

Anyway, that’s my backstory!

#it’s interesting re-examining how my relationship to The Wall has changed over time.#strange how you can love something as a kid but not really personally relate to it. and then you grow up and suddenly you’re like...#...oh shit. there -must- have been a door there when I came in #//#that makes it sound less fun than its been tho #god. i've had so much fun. im actually glad i took so long to get into band lore so I could learn all this -now-#i had kind of worked myself into a (very silly) mental spiral of 'what if I've run out of new things to discover'#and it's been so. idk... healing for me to realize all of this has been here the whole time #(clenching my teeth: ....emotional vulnerability....)

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anotherpapercut · 19 days

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working with children really will make you examine your thought processes and emotional reactions like nothing else. I've found myself being so much more thoughtful in my daily life about how I respond to my emotions and environment, as well as the reasoning behind why others behave the way they do

#yesterday i got really frustrated and overwhelmed at one point because this one little girl keeps getting really upset when she cant help me #like shell ask to help and i wont have a task (or ive run out bc shes already helped) shes capable of so i tell her that #and thank her for being thoughtful and helpful. admittedly the first time this happened i was really frustrated w her already #bc she had made a huge mess doing something i told her not to do and then didnt want to clean it up and she only came back #and asked to help because her friend had been helping me. so i was like girl. you didnt even clean up the last mess #but i also had nothing for her to do. anyway she started screaming and hid under a table so then her friend did it sith her just. because.#idk kids will see their friend freaking out and they do it too. and i understand it but my god. i dont deal well with really loud noise #and she did it again yesterday. i let her help me and then i ran out of tasks and she started crying and saying i never let her help #and for some reason there were like 6 other kids in there all wanting to help so then several of them started freaking out #and i could not handle it. i literally told my coworker like im about to cry right now lmao #and later the little girl was like wanting to hug me and talk to me and acting like nothing happened and i found myself wanting to withdraw #like i was feeling like i wanted to avoid her and not speak to her or be cold but i also knew i didnt want to treat her that way #and i took a couple minutes by myself and thought about why i felt that way‚ what the effects of that would be‚ and how the kid felt #and i really just had to remind myself that she was feeling just as many emotions as i was but that shes only had 6 years #to learn how to manage them and deal with them in a productive way. she wasnt trying to upset me. she wasnt trying to make me mad #she was just dealing with her emotions in the only way she knew how. and im an adult and if she can get over it i really need to get over it #long ass tag story sorry

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andthebeanstalk · 5 months

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Posting this here for receipts in case someone decides to steal this killer line of poetry I wrote for a spotify playlist description of all things (and which, together with the title, sounds like the heading of an essay that I would immediately want to read very badly):

#original #will wood #suburbia overture #playlist #I had to get real creative with the word limit because the third line got cut off on mobile every time #if anyone likes this enough to want to write an image description please do #i need to go to bed.#white culture #christianity cw #actively resisting the urge not to add all the catholic tags bc i KNOW that's a self-harming activity for real #if living in America hasn't made white Christians recognize that they have built their churches on the bones of thskr #*on the bones of their own botched divinity then this post sure won't #and then I'd have a bunch of people in the notes who want to argue but the argument always goes #- 'hey bud what about this huge logical fallacy in your own moral code?' - 'God said so.' - 'cool cool good debate everyone.'#anyway jesus is just a cop who puts all the bad people in the bad person hole - just like real cops.#there's a reason white christianity and white supremacy go hand-in-hand.#nobody's got a shorter memory for atrocities than the white catholic.#do you think we learned about residential schools at catholic school in my 99% white suburban township?#of course not! we didn't even learn about the crusades!! i learned about residential schools on tumblr at like age 27!!!!#fucking. chilling. that it took that long for me to find that out #i really really hate the culture i was raised in #our churches were filled with everything except divinity. - and also ANY people of color #in my 18 years of being forced to attend mass i NEVER saw a Black person in ANY of those buildings.#which is Fucking Weird.#I don't think I ever saw any people of color actually. i absolutely never spoke to anyone non-white before i was 11.#and i didn't have a full conversation with a Black person until i was like 16. we weren't okay.#there is a special kind of sickness to white culture that chokes out the soul of our own kindness. it's rank. it's rancid.#fuck your culture. i will exist in radical queer spaces til i die.#my parents are democrats btw. it wasn't a fundamentalist household. it didn't have to be.#we were told racism is bad but taught it was basically over. which is a great way to produce a shitload of racist white kids.

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starbuck · 5 months

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i have so much love in my heart it’s unreal

#thank GOD i’m going to visit my family in a couple days - i need a BREAK it’s getting overwhelming #but also i love my coworker so much #in a platonic way - she’s like a little sister to me #she’s so motivated and she has SO much potential and i am so proud of her and excited to see her learn and grow #and i want to help in any way i can #i hype her up to my boss and our other coworkers and upper management whenever possible #because she deserves it and nobody else is gonna do it #my boss is nice enough - but she doesn’t talk us up much which is a shame #so it’s up to me to make sure my coworker is being appreciated properly #because she is doing a TON of good work and i need to make sure she knows how incredible that is #she is too hard on herself and needs to take more time for herself to rest because she doesn’t get nearly enough #me and our other coworker have made it our personal mission to ensure that she takes care of herself #and she’s actually doing meaningfully better since we took an interest and - again - i am SO proud of her #i’m currently trying to convince her not to take too much on this summer and i *THINK* it’s going well #ultimately she’s going to be limited by reality regardless #but it would be better for her to plan less rather than try to do everything and get burnt out #i think she thrives on intense pressure just like i do - but that’s also wildly unhealthy to endure for long stretches #so i’m gonna keep working at it

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cahootings · 7 months

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Hi I built this in unreal engine today please clap!!! It's a sunrise on Mars !!!!!!!

#this is compressed to shit #but it’s a test for what will be an 8k 20ft wide projection for a new exhibit #the real video is in a 32:9 aspect ratio lmao #I have to build several planets but mars is first #the particle system and volumetric fog took me so. long. to figure out.#but oh my god. so fucking cool i built this whole thing from SCRATCH!!!#this is literally... weeks of learning and testing to build this but holy shit. im pleased #also if you see leaves or sticks on the ground no you don't (ok you do the landscape material is earth dirt lmao)

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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months

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...

#just an observation bc im avoiding working on stuff but i draw a lot and post basically everything i draw thst gets finished #and its v funny to me how u can tell how out of focus i was based on the quality of the drawing #or like when i post something and its like ok some of that was good but u def gave up halfway thru one of those lol #inconsistency i funny like that. its also funny to me that now a days i get comments like COLORS!!!#which is funny bc i notoriously haaaaaate coloring. like i will sit around whining and complaining when im home with my parents bc i dont #wanna color. its just so easy to fuck things up when u draw traditionally and it takes a million years so its a big ask lol #but i guess i dont hate is so much right now bc i kinda just slap whatever colors i want together like fuck it we ball #and thats kinda fun. reckless i suppose #its agony when u wanna try to do shadows and lights tho. like finding references ugh #or wanting to draw big ideas but then its like oh god its gonna take so long and if i dont do it all in one sitting i might die #im a lil better abt thst now bc it would b impossible but in my head i still hate it #ugh. all i wanna do is draw. theres another universe where i went to art school. or just like took art classes. and i wanna say id b happier #but thats def a lie XD i like learning too much and i dont have the attention span to hardcore learn genetics outside an academic #environment. and i got way too excited abt exploring the genetic traits of my cyano species #like i can make genetics trees for traits and look for. fuck. i forgot the word. how tf did i forget the word. oh god. horizontal gene #transfer. jesus christ its like theres a hole in my brain. well. i guess i did get only like 4hrs sleep. ugh im rambling.#i need to finish getting ready for Monday so i dont have to tomorrow and ill have time to draw. prob wont stop me feeling nauseous abt #teaching tho. OH FUCK. i just remembered i have a new office space now to decorate. fuck i need to hang up pictures and stuff #what would b the funniest way to put narut0 on my deskspace? idk ill have to think abt it. oh god im not ready #my head is like a handbell. one of the big ones when u ring it and it hits soft and u can feel the vibrations. someones wrung my head lol #unrelated

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ask-dtrain · 2 years

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Out of curiosity

Does Insans knows that you are an amalgamate of a Sans, Papyrus and Frisk?

Rain: But it's okay! I believe he is doing his best. It's not his fault he is insane, after all.

Insans belongs to @tatatale Rain belongs to me

#Undertale #Undertale au #DT!rain #Ask Rain #Insans #God it took me so long to finish this #That's why the lineart and style isn't as similar in all images #And it kinda got clumsier #BUT- I'll start replying or trying to reply to things more!#I kinda have more time now #And I got motivation!#I also refuse to draw him shirtless again until I learn how bones work #I swear it was part of the Roleplay or I wouldn't have done it

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britneyshakespeare · 1 month

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i have been working with kids for four years and i had to write my first ever note just now about a seventh grade boy being inappropriate towards me. i don't know what the hell this could possibly lead to or what. he was trying to feel my legs repeatedly to the point where i had to stop sitting next to him (and i was subbing for his one-to-one para!!!). he's got high support needs. in that kind of job, you're supposed to sit next to them all day and look over their work.

the teacher whose classroom this was happening in could also tell something was wrong. the whole class was acting kinda crazy because it was the day before school vacation week and there was another class coming in to share projects. so like, he was swamped with keeping order already. but we were sitting two feet away from his podium at the front of the room. the kid was giving him and me a hard time when he wouldn't take out his chromebook as he was instructed. and then when he did take out his chromebook, he immediately, for some reason, places it on my lap. he had been ogling my legs the whole time. he puts his computer ON MY LAP. and i'm just like, stunned, because what the hell? can you not keep it on your own lap, for some reason? i don't even know what to say, i just hold it a little above my lap while i'm thinking why on earth would this be happening? he would NOT do this to his regular para if she were here, would he? this can't be normal.

and the teacher sees this and within a minute places a stool in front of the kid for him to put his laptop on. and i'm like. oh ok. yeah. he notices exactly what's happening and that that's not appropriate. and then when the other class comes in to share projects he tells me "miss b——, you don't actually have to sit next to c—— this whole period if you don't want to." and he grabs me a chair for me to go sit with the other paras in the back opposite corner of the room. like he KNEW. and thank you mr. d—— for recognizing that because i was just kind of shocked and didn't know if i was overreacting in my head to all of this.

when there's a point in the class where the kids are discussing stuff, i privately mention what's happened to the para who's sitting closest to me. and she says that the thing about him calling me pretty is something he's been known to do, but the fact that he kept trying to touch my legs is new behavior. and that's a completely different class of behavior. i was telling him NO, don't do that, and he kept doing it. and the fact that he was calling me pretty repeatedly, even when i was giving him instructions that he wasn't taking. and this is the second to last class before the end of the day, so she says she'll take a walk with him before learning center and talk to him about it, and i'm grateful for that. she does. the kid apologizes to me as soon as i come into learning center. but like. WHAT the hell.

i'm STILL like what the hell. this is unfathomable to me. the other adults who i told about this or who witnessed it were supportive of me. but. what to do??? i wrote a long note to his regular para about this, because i knew she was going to hear about it at least from the first para i told. the second para i told about it after school had a kind of... i'm not gonna say enabling reaction, but i suppose since it had already been "taken care of" (or at least, he had been spoken to and apologized) she didn't really have much to add in the way of discipline. i told her what happened after school and she was just like... a little bit, laughing? like oh, yup, that dog. she at the very least confirmed he KNEW what he was doing, that that was not an accident. she said to me "i had a feeling he was going to develop a crush on you" (me and these other paras were together for most of the beginning of the day too). but it's like. it's not about that.

i have worked with children for FOUR years. children have had crushes on me before; i'm quite unfazed by it. boys from the ages of 5-to-15 have told me i'm so pretty before and asked me to marry them. i've never had them feeling up my legs before. i've never had them making me physically uncomfortable. it's NOT about this seventh grader having a crush on the pretty substitute. he is NOT unusual for that, at all. but i've never had a boy of any age or education level repeatedly touching my knees and thighs. THAT is problem behavior!!!

because what if i wasn't assertive enough with him to tell him to stop? what if i was a girl his age? worse, what if i was an adult who encouraged this behavior? i don't come to the middle school to be a seductress. i had no intention in putting on a pair of tights and a skirt this morning of being viewed as an attractive object, especially not by a pubescent boy. what if i did though? what if his interpretation of me wasn't so incorrect and offensive? what if i let him keep touching me inappropriately and saying flirtatious things to me? me, an adult in my mid-twenties, towards a middle school boy?

in no world would that be ok. if i had been feeling up and overly-complimenting a CHILD at my place of work, holy shit would there be reports about me. so a child acting that way could never be ok either. if it'd be firable for me to be reciprocating that action, then that action should not be happening to me. ever. and that child should never repeat that action again to any other adult again.

like i am simply not there to be treated as an attractive young woman. i put on a skirt that shows too much knee and get paired with a boy, though, and that's apparently just a natural consequence. hooo-ly shit. like i don't know what to do. first of all, the more time passes since this has happened, the more i am just unable to stop thinking about it. i wasn't "hurt" or too emotional in the moment but i'm just still processing it and it gets worse. i'm just more and more disgusted.

i don't know what i expect to come out of this, or the email i sent to his regular para. like, am i gonna have to attend a fucking meeting? what is the precedent that this sets for him? WHY do i feel BAD for him about this? well, because he's a child, of course. a child who has done wrong he may not be able to understand. but he knows WHAT he did. he just doesn't know WHY it was wrong.

and i couldn't even say something to him that was like, "well, how would you like it if i was touching you like this?" because young boys do not understand how inappropriate it'd be. i'm sure this kid thought he was gonna get away with what he was doing at the very least. but probably not unlikely he (being a child with no concept of how wrong it'd be) thought he could get some sort of "positive" attention for treating me like this. either way he was simply doing what he wanted to do, with no perspective of how it would make me feel or that it could be classified as harassment. teenage boys think it'd be awesome if the older attractive woman would reciprocate their affections. they're wrong. i, as the older attractive woman of his affection, cannot be the one to convince him of that, though.

i don't know. i don't know. like it's just so not ok. but if i didn't tell another adult about this, he would've gotten away with it. he would probably do it again. and him being in trouble for it is not the same as him understanding that it was wrong. unless someone has a REAL talk with him about inappropriate attention and consent, it's not unlikely that he'll just repeat the behavior in a setting where he thinks he won't be caught or told on. THAT'S the problem. me, i could just never have to be this boy's para again. in my email, i didn't say that i would never be ok working with or around him ever again. he already knows i didn't like it and i'm not afraid to tell on him; as far as that lesson applies to me, individually, i think he's become too ashamed to repeat that.

i don't know. i don't know. i very much expressed that i, i guess, "forgave" him in the email that i wrote. i clarified that i was writing it for the sake of having it on the record. i think that could potentially be very important for the purposes of preventing further similar or escalating behavior from him in the future. i don't want him to be in trouble. i don't think i will be blamed for this, especially not with how promptly i acted, although i don't know to what extent this will be framed as me thinking i'm a "victim." i'm not... i don't feel victimized. i feel disgusted. i feel afraid for the sake of what could happen to or with him in the future, if he thinks behavior like his towards me today is ok.

i feel like if i end up having to further respond to this, this will be made about me. in a way it kind of was. is? in the moment it was happening, it was certainly about me. because i was the one this boy was giving all this unwanted attention to. but to make the consequences of this about me and to involve me any further, i also don't want. because i said what i said already, i don't care if a student has a crush on me. this isn't about me being the pretty substitute. i'm the pretty substitute all the time, to tons of people. that's not really something i've been concerned about up until now.

but do i have to reexplain my personal embarrassment? that i was wearing a skirt? that he was ogling my legs? really? what more do i have to gain from sharing that, other than having the adults at my place of work confirm or deny me in their heads as the pretty substitute? i don't know. perhaps that's REALLY overthinking it. but i don't want to be the substitute that caused a problem for this special ed kid. i don't wanna be the reason that he can't be around me anymore, the person people think of when they're monitoring how he's acting around girls and young women. i DON'T want to be the one people think of when they think of his past misbehavior. i'm NOT here for that.

that's just fucking humiliating. and in this being a thing that could follow him, i have to be ogled and touched over and over again in people's minds for this to be taken seriously. but for this to be swept under the rug would be even worse, no? i don't know. i hate this. the principal is a nice guy; i wouldn't be surprised if he and/or people from the special ed department reached out to me sympathetically about this. but i don't wanna be reached out to. i don't wanna have ppl i work with tell me "sorry that kid was just so attracted to you he couldn't help himself" like come on. if the kid himself doesn't change then i don't really care to remember this incident. and no one reaching out to me and saying they've talked to this kid will actually prove to me he understands. this is the kind of inappropriate behavior it takes years for people to understand why it was wrong, especially a child who has no idea. i mean come on.

#tales from diana #long post #sorry i should probably put this under a read more but it was just a long stream of consciousness #and idk. im tired. im so tired #do you wanna be known as the substitute teacher a kid kept touching inappropriately? probably not #thank god for the first para i told bc she took it really seriously seemingly. i mean idk what she told him in their conversation #not EXACTLY what she told him. she obviously said this was wrong and she reiterated in learning center again #that if that were her daughter she'd be through the roof and that she'd be telling his regular para #i mean of course i had to tell the regular para directly. i would rather it come from my mouth #i'm the one who has the most information of how and why it happened. i think other ppl telling it would just reduce it to #'he thought she was so pretty and he kept staring at and touching her legs cuz she wore a skirt' like come on #the indignity of that!#i already feel undignified enough.#and also thank god for the social studies teacher. the more im processing this the more im like thank god #i dont know him well. he had already been a nice dude to me before in my interactions w him #like as a sub you notice the people who are really affirming of the strange and irregular work you do #earlier this week i was subbing for the math teacher across the hall for instance and he came in before class started and said #that if anyone's giving me a hard time to just send them to him. bc that group can be a little rowdy/wild #my classroom discipline skills are not that bad where i felt the need to have someone more experienced defend me so to speak #like i know i look young and am assumed to be new. but with most classes. i can handle most misbehavior #i can put my foot down in a way kids normally respect. i know how to keep em on task #and for MOST of the day with this kid that's what i was doing. but if that social studies teacher hadn't done what he did #i might not feel so bold in just straight up walking away from that kid. after saying stop stop stop repeatedly #like he had his own job to do independent of me but i remember the gestures and like. i could cry. he KNEWWWW #that's just a very trustworthy person i feel. he didn't want me to suffer through that any longer #a lot of teachers (unfortunately) largely ignore the kids with paras and/or expect the paras to communicate to the kid exclusively #that teacher is not like that. he was willing to mind that boy while i escaped that situation. so so grateful to him

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