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#her hurt is valid and i’m deeply sorry she feels the way she does about that night

maplewaveqsmp · 2 months

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I’m sorry if this is kinda messy, it’s a little bit stream of consciousness as I process the past few days.

I experienced a good deal of sexual and emotional abuse in my teenage years. I spent most of high school in one of three abusive relationships. It was easy to find familiarity in the way that those men treated me, even when I knew in my head it wasn’t right. I let them mistreat me anyway because they had convinced me I deserved it or that I owed it to them for one reason or another. It was wrong. I did not deserve any of it. I’ve moved on with my life and I refuse to let any of them interfere with my life again.

Despite all of that, being an abuse victim is an isolating feeling in day to day life. People don’t always understand triggers or anxieties that don’t make sense to them. Even when I tried to share with close friends, I would get asked “why didn’t you just leave?” People do not get it at all.

So when I saw Shubble’s stream VOD, I felt so seen and so deeply hurt. Someone was finally speaking up about experiences similar to mine. But it’s also horrifying that someone besides me has gone through this. I cried for her and for the many, many comments I saw in the past few days saying how that stream made them realize that they had experienced or were experiencing abuse. A lot of them were teens in the same age range I was when I was being abused.

Let me be very clear when I say this: Shubble did not and does not deserve an ounce of what she has gone through at the hands of her abuser. I won’t give him the power of any further recognition. He deserves to be forgotten.

That being said, the kinds of abuse Shubble went through are not limited to any one group of people. No matter your gender, age, race, nationality, etc., your experiences are valid. What you went through is real.

If you went through abuse of any kind and you’re seeing this post: I’m proud of you for making it this far. Life during and after abuse is not easy. But you’re here. You’re here. No matter how much or how little you’ve healed, you’re still here. I hope you can find peace, however you may do that.

To Shubble, if you somehow see this: Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story. It takes a huge level of bravery to share something like that to so many people, especially through the internet. I hope you know how many people you’ve helped and in how many different forms. You deserve the best from life going forward. Thank you, again.

#tw abuse #Shubble #shubblesupportsquad

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journeyintofiction · 1 year

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hey can u do another shuri x reader where the reader has an ed and shuri doesn't notice it at first because of being in the lab so much but finally does when it gets really bad. its okay if you're not okay with writing about this topic I've just been struggling with mine rn.

TRIGGER WARNING: this fic will discuss an eating disorder, not in depth but still can be very hard to read, so if this is triggering please, please, please do not read! Your mental health comes first so feel free to pass on this one :) I am writing this purely from my own experiences and everyone's experience is different and valid.

To the anon: I am so sorry you have been struggling recently :( just know that you, your thoughts, and your feelings are 100% valid!

Word count: 0.8k

Happy reading :)

It's been 13 days.

Shuri has been in the lab consistently for 19 hours a day for 13 days in a row. I know realistically this is her way of coping with grief and coming to terms with her brothers and mothers death. But I can’t help but feel forgotten and cast aside during her mourning period.

“Will you be joining us for breakfast Ms.Y/N?”

I turn to the door of my room and see Aneka and Ayo looking in my direction with curiosity and thinly veiled concern.

I shake my head and give them a brittle smile, “No not this morning, I went on a walk earlier and got some fruits afterward.”

They look at me for a second then nod and say, “As you wish.”

I knew they were concerned, to be honest, everyone was worried about me and it was obvious in the way they looked at me. I knew that I was restricting myself again even though I consciously knew I shouldn't. Shuri was a big help in getting me to recover from my eating disorder, she made sure I ate, got the right balance in food, and always fostered a positive environment around food. Since she was in the lab 24/7 now, I started to relapse and go back to my way of thinking. Between the stress of everything I just started to eat less and less partly because I didn’t think I deserved to eat without her.

I sigh and get up to tidy my room a bit before I decide to try and go to the lab, which she locked me out of earlier in the week. I think that's what triggered me into a downward spiral, the denial of my presence hurt deeply. It may not have been done with malice, but it was excruciatingly painful nonetheless. As I fold up some clothes I look at myself in the mirror and I’m genuinely taken aback by the person staring back at me. I didn’t realize that not eating consistently and in good quantities would take effect so fast but it was scary. My face looked thinner, I looked paler than usual, and I had dark circles under my eyes that seemed pronounced.

I move from the mirror on the verge of tears because I can’t stand to see myself so I quickly finish tidying up and move to the door and open it. I see two Doras stationed outside my door who look at me with concern and I just muster up my best smile and say hello before moving down the hallway.

I reach the lab doors and attempt to open them to no avail and with a huff, I call out, “Griot?”

“Yes Ms.Y/N?”

“Can you tell Shuri I would like to see her as it is urgent?”

I wait expecting a reply from Griot, but to my surprise, Shuri herself opens the doors to the lab. She waves me in and I take a moment to examine her, she looks sad and tired but otherwise healthy. When I get into her area of the lab and sit down she turns to fully look at me and she frowns deeply. I see Okoye and Nakia are one room over and the only thing separating us is the soundproof glass. They smile and nod to me before turning their backs to give us privacy, at least the glass was soundproof so they wouldn’t hear the extent of our conversation.

I look back at Shuri and she looks upset but before I can speak she says, “Have I done this to you?”

I take note of the pained expression she wears and the sadness in her voice as if it physically pains her to see my slowly relapsing. I bite my lip and say, “I’m not going to lie, you are partly the reason but the majority of the fault lies with me.”

She looks pained and just nods then asks, “do you…eat enough?”

I know this is her way of asking if I eat three times a day and snack in between while also trying to not trigger me. I decide to be honest and shake my head and hear her sharply inhale before gently taking my hands in hers.

She pulls me into a hug, “I’m sorry my love.”

I shake my head, “Don’t be sorry, you were grieving and you still are.”

She stops me and looks dumbfounded for a moment, “That doesn’t mean I have an excuse to stop caring for those I love.”

I just nod, “Please, just don’t shut me out of the beautiful head of your Shuri.”

She takes a deep breath and looks into my eyes, “ We will get better together, right?”

I smile and nod, “Yes, together.”

A/N: Hello wonderful people! If you made it to the end, thank you as I know this is an exceptionally heavy topic to discuss and write about. Again this was written from my own personal experience and I wasn’t super explicit because I don’t want to trigger anyone! As always my requests are open :)

#shuri x y/n #shuri x reader #shuri fanfiction #shuri udaku

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michelleelizabethtanner · 8 months

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Do you think Beth really believed Rio was coming after them after the truck thing in 1.09? I always just assumed she was jumping to conclusions and was so far out of her depth ("He looked at me funny"), but was there something else to it? Did she really want to take him down deep down?

Hi Anon! Thank you for the ask! Idk if I have a super good answer though. I’ve always considered this scene more based on the mistakes Rio made in underestimating Beth’s reaction. IDK why I haven’t thought more in-depth about why she behaved the way she did.

Unless I’m misremembering, everything in that episode showed her anger, and none of her actions around Rio signified fear. I don’t think she was even jumping to conclusions about what he might do to them. I think she was just mad. Yet another man putting her in her place, taking away her power and her financial “security” because he decided her life for her. So she retaliated. Her “we’re good people” excuse was just a cover to get her girls on board. It’s the line she uses all the time to manipulate people (including Rio.) “I’m a good person. I’m a mother. I eat at P. F. Chang’s.”

The fact that this woman can never think through the consequences of her choices surrounding Rio truly astounds me. She cannot be so stupid to blindly lash out and expect nothing to happen to her. I’ve been kind of thinking about this irritating aspect of her behavior. The ways in which she hurts Rio over and over, even once she sees the actual hurt on him, she doesn’t stop. Contrast that with how she enables Dean over and over, who has a proven track record of lying to her and actively harming her. So it makes so little sense why she would lash out, even contrary to her own wellbeing, in this particular situation. She couldn’t have expected that he would be imprisoned forever just because she gave up some laundering details. So what then? Was it a cry for his attention? A cry to be seen? It’s gotta be. Her nihilistic tendencies come through so strong around Rio. He brings it out in her. So it’s like she doesn’t even care what happens to her, as long as he keeps looking at her, as long as she’s feeling that power he makes her feel.

Which brings us back to what was so polarizing about Beth to so many viewers — she’s selfish af. She doesn’t want to be. She’s torn. She keeps thinking if she just does one more shitty thing to Rio, she will prove her goodness to the universe. Prove that she’s worthy of having a husband who’s faithful, and children who don’t struggle with emotional disorders, and friends who choose her even over their own husbands. This woman has been abandoned and scarred so deeply in her formative years that she’s absolutely desperate to matter and to be chosen. (Kinda like someone else we know.) But Rio seems to be her one “safe space” to be herself. “Just being myself.” And while that may sound romantic (and it IS), it’s also toxic af because for her to be “herself” she has to all the time behave abusively (ugh, I hate that word because it isn’t quite accurate to their dynamic but idk what other thing to call it… maybe retaliatory?) toward Rio. He feeds the monster that she hides from others. He isn’t a “good person” so it’s fine for her to take her trauma out on him. And he keeps coming back for more. And he keeps wanting her despite it. It’s that good old cycle of abuse, continually perpetuated. They find so much warped validation in each other they can’t quit.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent. Sorry about that! These asks are so helpful in getting me back into a Brio state of mind. Reminds me how I love analyzing them. 😊 Makes me wanna not work and write Brio stories (that I’ve been stagnant on for like 2 months now 😩)

#gg 1.09 #what you and I had is done #over #go home Elizabeth #people who are afraid their crime boyfriend might hurt them don’t throw keys in his face #asks #brio psychoanalysis #headcanon #nbc good girls #brio

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eternally--mortal · 2 years

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So I’ve seen a couple comments lately specifically associated with the ever-growing comment chains of @buggachat’s bakery enemies au where some fellow readers are claiming that a lot of us are hating on Marinette.

It’s not a lot of comments, but it’s enough that I wanted to say something. You don’t have to listen. That’s ok. You can scroll if you want to, but the thoughts are here if you wanted or needed them.

Here’s the thing:

When you write a realistic character, or adapt a character realistically from a tv show, there are going to be moments of pain and frustration on all sides. Yes, Marinette is allowed to feel her own pain and frustration, but We as an audience are Also allowed to have second-hand frustration based on her actions.

I’m allowed to like Marinette and acknowledge and validate her frustration while still Also Being Frustrated at her. That being said, I understand that We can see the whole story and She can’t. Even apart from that knowledge, I am allowed to have compassion for her and Still Disagree with the way that she handles things. That is not me being a Marinette salter or me hating on Marinette. That is me recognizing that this very human response of Marinette’s is placing Adrien — and herself — into unhealthy situations.

People aren’t good and bad all the time. You don’t have to love them all the time. And even if you Do still love them, you don’t have to agree with them.

I’m not trying to start a fight, but I wanted to put all of this out there because . . . I’ve read through the comments. And I haven’t really seen a great deal of people genuinely trashing Marinette. They’re just responding to the direct situation with their very-normal emotional reactions. Which is sort of part of the point, isn’t it?

And I’m sorry @buggachat . I know I tagged you. It’s mostly to give context to this post. I’m not trying to pull you into the discussion or force you to comment on it or pick a side. Please continue on with your beautiful life and enjoy torturing us every 24 hours. You’re doing great, sweetie. This post isn’t really for you unless you want it to be. I don’t know. You might not even agree with me. And that is your right as a human being.

To everyone who feels this Does apply to them, I just wanted to say, here are some general facts of life that the world continues to beat into us, whether we like it or not:

Good people can do terrible things. In fact, some of the worst things are Genuinely Awful to that degree because they were done by good people. Just look at Adrien’s situation. He’s seen how Marinette has So many friends who love her. He’s seen that she’s capable of being an absolutely wonderful person. To him it looks like she’s choosing to be a terrible person to him specifically. Real people go through this in the real world, too. When a good person does something horrible, it doesn’t change the fact that they’re still a good person to Someone out there — maybe to multiple someone’s. They’ve just chosen not to be a good person to You. Or chosen to be a Bad person to you. And that Hurts. And it’s Worth acknowledging and talking about. (This is the real tragedy of evil, in my opinion. It’s why children of abusive and negligent parents often struggle so deeply with the question of why they still feel a need to earn love from their parents and whether they should leave them behind.)

People are constantly experiencing growth and change. There’s something great called the Theory of Positive Disintegration that describes the process. It’s super cool. Look it up. It’s healthy to acknowledge that we all make varied choices as our worldviews change and as we experience new things. People we see as ‘bad’ don’t have to stay that way and likely aren’t what we expect. People we see as ‘good’ are not always strictly good. (Besides this, How many people do we call “Good” because of whom they decided to be evil to? Who gets to decide who the enemy is anyway?)

Literature is designed with complexity in mind. Stories are often made with fleshed out human beings. Sometimes stories are written Specifically to show us questionable behavior so we can see the world through a new lens and decide for ourselves whether we agree with that person. Just take a look at Restoration Drama if you have any doubts. Old white men debated for ages about whether or not their audiences were smart enough to notice questionable behavior in cases of, for instance, rape or cheating or manipulation. Did they ever ask the audience? Not really. But the point is that we Do sometimes get suckered into blindly supporting characters without really watching what they’re Doing. It doesn’t mean we’re not smart enough to notice or talk about it. The danger comes when we try to shut that conversation down by Never showing evil or Never acknowledging it when it’s there. —No one is perfect. So we have flaws. So what? That’s normal. It’s human. It’s normal to empathize with a character. It’s ok to openly express second-hand embarrassment or frustration for their actions. If you don’t want strangers on the internet to point out Marinette’s flaws, then maybe You shouldn’t be pointing out the flaws of strangers on the internet.

I’m not trying to attack anyone in particular. Or anyone at all. I just wanted to put some of this into perspective. Some of you making these comments might be joking! I can’t really read emotional subtext on the internet. Some of us are bad at reading it in real life, too. This is just me putting some thoughts out there to remind you that we all have complex emotional lives, and that discussing a person’s flaws isn’t the same thing as hating them or rejecting them or making them out to be the enemy. If no one ever talked about the bad parts of good people, we wouldn’t have compelling stories.

#marinette dupen chang #bakery enemies au #just some thoughts #mlb #miraculous ladybug #people are complex #let us acknowledge their complexities

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dreaming-of-assclass · 2 years

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So I was watching/reading AssClass again recently, and my opinions on a lot of things have changed, so here are some updated hot takes 🍵

So you all know I hate the crossdressing jokes, but for the sake of keeping it simple, let’s say Nagisa is ok with his closest friends making them. This still doesn’t make sense imo bc Karma was willing to leave him a year, get creeped out by him, and throughout canon is unwilling to properly communicate with Nagisa. But all of a sudden, he’s a close enough friend to make jokes about crossdressing and feminizing him????? No it doesn’t work that way 😭

Both teams in Civil War are equally valid, now that I think about it more deeply. That said though, I feel like more people should’ve jumped on Karma’s ass and called him out. Bc the way he was acting and his anger just went far past jealousy imo.

One thing about me is that I am a sucker for “feminine” female characters. Ok, like I get that 99% of this fandom loves Rio, Hazama, Hayami, etc. But my heart will always belong to the soft girls like Okuda n Kanzaki

Nagisa is actually such an interesting character and I love him now. But I feel like he’s popular for the worst reasons :(

Terasaka was extremely pivotal in grounding Nagisa’s humanity and morality, not just in Island arc but throughout the whole series.

I want to really like Maehara x Okano, but honestly it hurts in an irl sense 💔 Like the whole vibe of not being given the importance of being desired as an actual girlfriend, rather than a fling or friend :( I feel bad for Okano, and she deserves better than that.

Korosensei and Aguri did love each other, but I can’t label it as a typical “romantic” kind of love. I feel like it went so much deeper than that, like soul bonding or something. I think they both had immense impact on each other, and that’s what’s most significant about their bond.

I really don’t wanna sound like the judgey type, you know. To each their own. But some of the ships and relationship ideas some ppl in this fandom have, make me wonder if we watched/read the same series.

I always used to talk about how Kayano was robbed, and I’ll keep saying it. She deserved to be a more fully fleshed out female character. And this means accepting her very real flaws, not making her a “girlboss” or throwing her under the bus for the sake of ships.

Karma is one of the more selfless characters in AssClass, and I feel like in this sense, he and Nagisa are two sides of the same coin.

Sugino is Nagisa’s bestie, periodt.

Nakamura gets on my nerves at times lmao. I’m sorry, but I think it’s just her vibe. I’m not a fan of irl ppl like her

Maehara is just as bad as Okajima. In a sense, he might be even worse given that he sees dating girls and cheating in a commodified lens. Don’t forget it just bc he’s conventionally attractive lmfao 💀

The final takeover of the mountain is one of the best arcs in the whole series, no cap. It does an even better job than Civil War in granting 3-E equal attention, showcasing their skills, and displaying the found family that’s been built. And Nagisa and Karma’s high-five while Terasaka yells at them is adorable.

#assclass #ansatsu kyoushitsu #assassination classsroom #post #maybeeee I will do a part 2 in the future if I think of more lol #but yeah #tea spill #these are my updated thoughts #feel free to reply or send in asks about any or sharing ur opinions #I love talking about tea spills and hearing unpopular opinions lmao

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lesser-bohemian · 2 years

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I love the fun questions anons ask so I wanted to do one! No pressure to answer if it’s not your vibe though! What do you think is the worst way either Fezco or Lexi could hurt the other?

oh, this is an interesting one! it’s almost impossible for me to imagine these two intentionally hurting each other, they’re always so soft and supportive of each other. but like everyone else i do fear fez pushing lexi away next season, either to protect her or because he’s grieving, angry and lashing out. i think what would hurt lexi the most is if she tried to reach out to him, and he said something that diminishes their relationship. something like how they barely know each other and there’s nothing she can do for him. lexi already feels like so much of her life has taken place in her imagination, so hearing the first person who’s made her feel truly seen and wanted for who she is, basically say that it was all in her head would absolutely crush her and validate her worst fears.

i find it even harder to imagine lexi hurting fez, actually. i think that her making him feel like she looks down on him for his lack of education or doing what he does would hurt him deeply, but i just can’t (or simply refuse to) imagine her doing that. i could see her getting really indignant on his behalf about the childhood he had and inadvertently hurting him by saying that no child should be in that kind of environment, because he feels guilty about not being able to offer ash anything better — especially after losing him. of course lexi would help him see how the situations were totally different, he was just a kid himself when he became responsible for ash and he always did everything he could for him. okay, now i’m making the angsty ask soft, i’m sorry!

#thank you for asking me <3

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sisterssafespace · 2 years

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salam sister🫶🏼

i recently found out one of my closest friends is telling other people some really private things about my life, and this got back to me after being passed through multiple people already, and as people talked about it the story twisted so now people think something of me that isn’t even true.

i’m so sad that my best friend would tell people about something i trusted her with, and i don’t know if i should talk to her about it and express that it made me upset or if i should just distance myself without really saying anything. if you have any advice please feel free to tell me, i really don’t know what to do

i also don’t know what to do about the fact that people in our community are talking about me, i wish i could go to every person and tell them the truth but i can’t and it just makes me feel so sad, i’m just trying to ask Allah to heal this situation because while i feel helpless His power is limitless :,)

و عليكم السلام و رحمة اللّٰه و بركاته dear sister

I am sorry this happened to you, betrayal is a very serious situation that affects us deeply especially when it comes from people that are close to us. I am sorry you are hurting..

However, I have so many different thoughts on the situation I am not sure which one you are ready to take in. I am taking my time with replying to this because I have oppositional opinions on this topic 😅 but eventually I decided that I am going to start writing and see where my thoughts take me.

The easiest way to go is to cut her off, your best friend. I could tell you that a person who speaks about you behind your back is not your friend let alone your " best friend " and that Allah swt has made sure you find out about this because you reached a point in your life where you need to clear out your circle and reevaluate your relationships and friendships, do a little sorting and reorganizing for the upcoming stage of your life. - but I can't say that. I am not perfect myself to pass judgments about this girl. For one reason or the other I did talk about my best friend(s) at some point of my life even if I never meant to hurt them, probably I was more hurt by them and I needed to vent. We are human beings. We make mistakes. Maybe this girl does love you deeply, but she made a mistake. Can you tell me that you have never made a mistake toward another person in your circle? Idk. I just want you to take into consideration that human beings are by nature 'sinners' and that Allah swt is the most forgiving. And if He swt forgives worse than this, you can totally forgive this incident and not kick this person out of your life - IF you are capable of forgiveness and moving on.

P.s. I am not saying you should act as if nothing happened and I am not dismissing your feelings of hurt and betrayal. You should be angry. I am absolutely validating your feelings. You have the right to feel this way and you should not force yourself to act normal, but at the same time you should not make any decisions when you are blinded by unpleasant feelings (anger, hurt..). So I highly recommend you do not rush, you do not let your feelings control you, you give yourself sometime until you ve calmed down, you can take some space from her, as much as you need, and then you do what your heart feels is right. You can ask Allah swt to guide you, to clarify your heart to know whether she is a good person who just made a mistake or a bad person who has bad intentions for you.

P.s. I did not mention the option of confronting her and asking her why she did that because I am not sure if you can handle confrontation. I personally can not for the life of me. But if you are able of doing that, and if you think confronting her would be beneficial for you and would bring you peace then go for it - but always remain calm and do not hurt her with your words, you have to act in a respectful way that Allah swt would be pleased with. In fact, a good Muslim who follows and tries to copy the prophet ﷺ traits and character should always be respectful even toward the people who did them wrong. The life of our Prophet ﷺ is full of examples of him being kind to people who wronged him, which might sometimes even lead these people to accept Islam. Sübhanallah.

Anyways, let me summarize my thoughts:

a) Did she hurt you on purpose? You have yo check If she didn't do it intentionally to hurt you and she is a good friend.

b) if she did it on purpose and she turned out to be a bad friend then you can keep your space or cut her out of your life or keep her in your life but set boundaries, but whatever you do make sure you do it in a respectful way. You should not react to the wrong doing with another wrong doing yourself. I am sure, from what we know about the character of Our Prophet ﷺ, that if you were to ask his opinion ﷺ , he would have told you to still be kind to her - but to not be close to her again not to get hurt. As he ﷺ said ‘The believer should not be stung from the same hole twice.’

But in any case, you should take your time and make sure you have calmed down before making any decisions.

Now, about the community and the people who kept twisting the story. First of all: THANK YOU FOR THE HASSANAT. As whenever someone is talking bad about you or badmouthing you or gossiping, you are taking from their good deeds.. but what's most important is I want you to remember that You are not responsible for what they say about you. That's only a reflection of them, and their hearts. If one good person with a pure heart and pure intentions was amongst them, he or she would have told them off and broke the cycle of gossip. Also, you should not even care what they say about you. You should only care about how Allah swt sees you, and Allah swt sees and knows your heart. So do not be ashamed, do not be scared, whatever they said should not decrease your confidence or your self-esteem. You have to be sure of who you are and of your own version of the story because that is the truth and that is what Allah swt has witnessed. And you should keep holding your head high, as long as you know you are not in the wrong. And even if you are, it is Allah swt that you should ask forgiveness from. The people do not matter I promise you. They will not share with you your sins nor will they stand in front of Allah swt on judgement day with you. To each themselves and to the believer, Allah.

Before I make this way too long I am gonna stop myself here. I hope that my words helped clear your mind a litte. Kheir in shaa Allah.

May Allah swt save you from everyone who has bad intentions for you my dear. Ameen.

Salaaam.

- A. Z. 🍃

#sisterssafespace

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godshideouscreation · 4 months

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Secret: I’m still in love with and deeply worried about my ex. We’re both recovering addicts and when she left me I was completely self-destructing and she left me for someone in our orbit so I just kinda went harder, but I lived and got clean. She and the new guy have been together for five years and engaged for most of that time and have also been to rehab, but he keeps relapsing and I worry about her constantly, not just because she’s dealing with that but about her relapsing as well. Some part of me wishes we could be a thing again but I know that won’t solve anything, I just want her to be happy and healthy, and I don’t know if I can give that to her either.

Loving somebody who is struggling with an addiction while you are also struggling with an addiction has got to be one of the most painful experiences I've ever had in my life. So I just have to say to start this off that I'm sorry that you're going through that. Watching someone you love be unable to get their life together while you are trying desperately to get your life together is a lot.

In 2018 I was in love with a heroin addict and struggling with a (benzos) pill addiction. In a lot of ways, we leaned on each other and depended on each other for support. I talked to him everyday, I was there for him through truly fucked up shit. Through rehab several times, and even in times where his own family didn't talk to him. For all the time he spent in prison. I put money on his books so that he could make phone calls and eat something other than prison gunk. I've never loved anybody in the way that I loved him and I probably never will. It was intense, consuming. For almost 2 years he was clean, and when he got out the last time, he relapsed it ended up killing him. On the night that he died he told me he loved me, and then he hung up a phone and stuck a needle in his arm and died.

I've never wanted to die more in my life than when I found that out. And that's from somebody who has struggled with my mental illness from a very young age. That's saying a lot because I had several suicide attempts before I even turned 18. I felt like what was the point? We were working towards this future that we both wanted so bad. I felt stupid. I was so angry. So fucking hurt. Even though I knew from struggling with my own addiction how hard it was. He was the one thing that was keeping me together and keeping me from falling off. I had to start focusing on myself. I had literally poured everything out of my cup into his. I've never felt more empty in my entire life. I've experienced other kinds of loss since then, but nothing that has monumentally fucked me up like that. I've been clean since 2018 because of that. Because I never wanted to make anybody that I cared about feel the way that I did. I got pretty sick from withdrawal and the one thing that kept me going was that awful feeling, and not wanting to give that to anyone else.

I'm telling you this because even though you absolutely can love somebody so much, with every fiber of your being, you can't love them into getting their life together. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is just continue to focus on yourself. And honestly, it does seem like her situation is not a good one. It seems like she leans into somebody who is not healthy for her and you said that y'all are in the same orbit, so I'm sure it's hard to watch that. My best advice to her would be to focus on herself, but sometimes it takes that kind of experience before you can even think about focusing on yourself. I was stubborn as hell and I don't think there's anything that anybody could have told me that would have made me step away from him. The only options were get clean or die trying. I don't know if y'all are still friends or talk at all, I think it's valid to want to be there for somebody! but I don't want you to do it at a detriment to your health or your success either.

Keep focusing on you. Keep your life together. Maybe there will be a time when you guys both have a place in each other's life. But don't make that your priority.

#tell me ur secrets

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floralseokjin · 3 years

Text

⤑ made-up love song x (m).

Your first encounter with Kim Seokjin doesn’t go so well, nor your second, or your third… and maybe that’s because it shouldn’t work on paper. You’re an elementary school teacher, never left the country despite hitting the third decade of your life not so long ago, and you’re unable to remember the last time you dated. He’s the dad of one of your students, nearly a decade older than you and divorced. Oh yes, and just another minor detail – he’s a multimillionaire.

Your lives are lightyears apart, yet somehow, your paths having now crossed, things just seem to fall into place…

pairing; kim seokjin x reader au/genre/warnings; strangers to lovers, romance, single dad! seokjin, ceo! seokjin, elementary school teacher! oc, age gap (oc is 30, seokjin is 37), seokjin is a dilf, romance, happy ending, jin has stubble lmao, smut; morning sex, oral sex (f receiving), soft sex, spooning, jin has a thing for boobs this saturday morn, everything gets so fluffy words; 6,243

↪︎ chapter index

chapters; i • ii • iii • iv • v • vi • vii • viii • ix • x • epilogue (+ drabbles)

When you heard the doorbell ring twenty-five minutes later you were up off the sofa in seconds, heart thrumming against your ribcage as you rushed towards the entryway, a nervous kind of excitement flurrying inside your stomach. Yanking the door open, you were unable to keep the smile from your face as you saw Seokjin stood in front of you. He was dressed in sweatpants and a baggy white t-shirt which was slightly creased. His hair must have been freshly washed, soft and fluffy on top of his head, but it looked like he hadn’t shaved in a while, hints of stubble growing along his upper lip and along his jawline.

“Hi.” You were grinning by now.

“Hi,” he murmured softly, stepping forward. Immediately you found yourself in his embrace, the familiar scent of his laundry detergent welcoming. You wrapped your arms around his middle, pressing the side of your face to his chest. You felt still, relaxed for the first time in days.

Kissing the top of your head as he pulled away, he took your hands and let out a small chuckle. “I was halfway here when I realised I still had my slippers on.”

You looked down at his feet, giggling as you spotted the blue slip ons. Linking your fingers with his, you gently tugged him forward. “Do you want head to the living room?”

He nodded, letting you lead the way, and you paused by the kitchen, turning back. “Want something to drink?”

“Water, if it isn’t any trouble.” He asked. Classic Seokjin, you thought to yourself, leaving him to sit, too polite for no reason. When you came back, handing him the drinking glass he smiled and said his thanks. You sat next to him watching him take a sip and lean over to place the glass on the coffee table. You didn’t know where to start, you had so much to say, but it seemed like he had been thinking his piece over in the car ride here.

Exhaling, he turned to you with a serious expression. “Just before you say what you need to, I want to apologise.” He paused, seeing if you would let him continue, when you didn’t object he reached for your hand. “I’m really sorry for the way I acted Sunday. It was unacceptable and I’m really embarrassed you had to see me like that.” He sighed then, “I was just so... I was so mad that Nana turned up and spoke to you like she did. I let all my frustrations regarding Arin take over too.” He was staring you straight in the eyes, eager to make you see how sincere he was. “I never meant to compare you both and I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.”

“Everyone gets angry, Seokjin. Don’t feel embarrassed because of that,” you told him. “It was just jarring to see. Plus it was all so overwhelming.” He nodded in understanding and you smiled and squeezed his hand. “I appreciate your apology regarding the comparisons though.” What was done was done, but he sounded regretful. “Have you spoken to Nana since?”

“Yeah,” he murmured, averting his gaze for a split second. He sounded remorseful. “I saw her yesterday afternoon. She wanted to be with Arin this weekend so I finished work early and drove her there. Nana…” He stopped himself and started again. “I know why she was so hurt over everything. We talked it out a little. Barely touched the surface but things are headed in the right direction. I apologised to her.”

“That’s good to hear,” you said. There was no good only apologising to you. Nana deserved an apology just as much, maybe even more. You were glad they’d managed to be civil and you hoped it was a step in the right direction.

“I know Arin missed school but I called Principal Jung.” Seokjin was eager to explain himself. “I didn’t go into details of course, but he said it was okay.”

“That’s fine,” you chuckled quietly. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. It was only one day.” How cute. You didn’t take your job that seriously. At least the mystery was solved though. You had stressed over nothing. He wanted nothing more than for Arin to see her mother, regardless of what his relationship with Nana was like. This extra weekend together meant a lot to not only Arin and Nana, but him too. Harsh words had been shared in frustration and anger, but he hadn’t lost sight of what mattered the most – his daughter.

“I’m glad you talked to Nana,” you smiled, unsure how to voice all your thoughts. What mattered was he’d seen the error of his ways, and hopefully Nana had too.

He nodded sternly. “I was out of order that day.”

You grew serious too, hesitating before you said his name. You knew you had to ask him, knew you had to have this conversation, but it didn’t stop you from feeling slightly afraid. “Seokjin, why didn’t you tell her about us?”

He closed his eyes briefly, shame written all over his face, and he let go of your hand to run a hand through his hair. It draped across his forehead instantly. “I made a mistake.” He was looking straight into your eyes again, chocolate irises pooling with genuine regret. “At first I didn’t know what would happen between us. It was all brand new for me – for you. Letting Nana know was the last thing on my mind, but as things got more serious, I just…” He faltered, gaze falling to his lap. “I didn’t want to burst the bubble. I was so happy. I didn’t want anything to potentially ruin it.

“It was stupid, considering Arin could tell her at any moment. I just wasn’t thinking, I was being selfish. I understand why Nana was so hurt. I would feel the same if I found out Arin had been spending time with a man I didn’t know.” He exhaled deeply. “I took it all to heart because deep down I knew I’d done wrong.”

You appreciated his honesty. “We were definitely in a bubble. I never even thought to ask if you’d let her know. I –”

“It’s not your fault.” He was quick to tell you. “It was my responsibility and I didn’t want to do it. I regret it now and I’ve told her that. I’m sorry to you too, it wasn’t my intention to keep you a secret.”

You were quiet then, unsure what to say. You still had questions, still had things you needed to understand and as if he read your mind, he placed a gentle hand on your knee, tilting his head to watch you. “Y/N, is there anything else you want to know?”

Your fingers picked at your pyjama pants, heart beating rapidly. There was one important thing you needed the answer to, it was a dumb question, you were nearly positive, but yet you knew you needed to ask it.

“Anything you want to ask, I’ll be 100% honest with you.” He gently nudged, sensing your reluctance.

“T-this may seem stupid,” you began, finding courage. He was Seokjin, your Seokjin, he wouldn’t judge you. However, you hoped what you had to say wouldn’t hurt him. He waited patiently for you to continue. You held his gaze. “You’re not just looking for a mother figure for Arin, are you?”

His forehead crinkled in confusion, his hand leaving your knee as he processed your words. “What do you mean?”

You felt a wave of panic. “I know it sounds stupid, but I just need to know if you like me for me.”

He watched you carefully, brow line now creasing in concern. “Of course I like you for you.” And then he took your hand, lacing his warm fingers between yours. You could see the concentration on his face as he tried to find a way to word his thoughts. “I’m not looking for a mother figure, I never was. Yes, I’d love it if Arin saw her mother every day, but I’m not trying to recreate it elsewhere. I was wrong to compare you both. Nana loves Arin, I know that, she’s trying her best, and you’re…,” he took a breath, “I would never expect you to take on all that responsibility. You’re my girlfriend, I would never intentionally put all that pressure on to you.

“Y/N, I’m Arin’s father,” he continued when you didn’t reply. “She means the world to me, so knowing that she adores you makes me happy, as does knowing you adore her. I always thought dating in my position would be really hard – that’s why I never did it. Having to trust someone that much to potentially let them into my daughter’s life, that was such a frightening thought. But it wasn’t with you.” His eyes were wide, pleading as he tried to make you see. As he spoke he used his other hand to cup the side of your face, you softened into his touch.

“There were other worries too,” he continued to confess. “I thought nobody would want a divorced dad as a boyfriend. It’s fine, I understand it’s not everyone’s ideal, but with you it was never a problem. You accepted me and what my life involved and I’m not going to lie, that made me fall for you even harder but I wasn’t using you because I wanted some sort of permanent mother figure in Arin’s life. That’s absurd and it makes me really sad to know I potentially made you feel that way.”

Your chest felt lighter hearing those words. Nothing like the tight, anxious mess you had felt all week. It was good to know your worst fears weren’t true. Your doubts, even though valid, hadn’t been needed. You believed every word he said.

He lowered his hand from your face, sensing you were about to speak, and instead clutched the hands laced together in your lap. “Hearing those things you said to Nana, it made me… It overwhelmed me. Made me think that you’d been expecting too much of me this whole time, or like maybe you’d been searching for something I had no clue about.” You admitted.

You hadn’t liked being used as a weapon. It had made you feel horrifically guilty. You told him just as much, being as frank as you possibly could because he needed to hear it.

“I understand,” he nodded. “I promise I’ll never do it again. All I can give you is my word.”

“And I’ll believe it.” You told him, needing him to know something else as well. “Seokjin, I really do care about Arin. I’m beyond touched that she’s accepted me into her life but my place will always be different.”

Seokjin frowned at that. “You are still an amazing person in her life though. She’s become so much happier these past few months and I can’t deny it and say that’s not partially down to you, even if it’s just a fraction of the reason.”

You opened your mouth to disagree with him, he was being too nice, giving you too much credit, but he wasn’t having any of it. “No, Y/N. You need to hear these things. You make Arin happy too, and I think that’s a beautiful thing.” He felt you relax, smiling when he noticed you do the same. “I fell for you because of many reasons, and yes, one of them was because of how you treat Arin, but it’s not the only one.” His voice was soft as he began to make a list. You couldn’t help but giggle. “You’re sweet, caring, funny, beautiful – inside and out.”

“You’re a real charmer, hm,” you teased.

He chuckled, but grew serious once again, giving your hand a squeeze. “You could have anybody but you chose me, the man whose life is overtaken by work and is struggling to be an OK dad.”

“Seokjin, you’re an amazing father,” you scoffed. If he expected you to listen then he needed to as well. “You work so hard and you’re constantly exhausted but that doesn’t stop you from being one of the best fathers I know. You need to give yourself more credit.”

“Thanks,” he said, plump lips tugging up into a half-smile. You really wanted to kiss him, it had been long enough, so you leaned forward, pressing your mouth to his. Gentle and chaste. When you pulled back he was smiling harder. You couldn’t help but join him.

One of his hands lifted, weaving into your hair as he brought your face to his chest, the hand holding yours letting go so he could wrap his arm around your middle, holding you to him. You were both silent, content for a moment as you listened to his heart beat steadily. It comforted you, let you know that everything was okay.

“I’m sorry if I put pressure on you,” he murmured, chin resting against your hair. “It’s just when the three of us are together it feels so right. It feels natural and I love that.”

“I love it too,” you agreed, your face still pressed into his chest, your palm too. “But Nana is her mother and I don’t ever want to take her place.” You paused, slowly pulling away to look at him. “I want to make my own place. And I don’t know if that means being a stepmom so soon, but it’s definitely moving in that direction.” You’d had enough time to think about everything. You were more than serious about him. “I want a future with you, Seokjin. A future with you and Arin. You both mean a lot to me.”

His mouth slowly spread into a grin, he looked and sounded unbelievably happy. “Do you mean that?”

“Of course. I spent these past few days thinking really hard about us and what we were – what we are. I’m serious about us, and I hope you are too.”

He pulled you into another hug, kissing your forehead. “I most definitely am, but we’ll take it at your pace,” he assured, “and Arin’s pace.”

“And your pace,” you added, moving your head back to look at him, hands resting on his shoulders. “Nana’s too. She needs to be involved because no matter what, she’s still a part of your life.”

It wasn’t about just you and Seokjin, you understood that now, and so did he. “I agree. I really think yesterday was a turning point for me and her. I want our relationship to be better for not just Arin, but you too. I hate that you had to witness all that.”

“It’s okay, Seokjin. Please don’t beat yourself up about it.” He needed to let it go and move forward. You had already.

“Listen, I, er, I’m…” He hesitated, serious once again. “I’m sorry for not telling you why we divorced.”

Oh. In your happiness you’d actually forgotten about that. You waited for him to continue, wanting to hear what he had to say because it had been the source of some of your hurt. You rubbed his shoulders, wanting to encourage him as he struggled to find the words.

“It’s complicated,” he started. “…Finding out Nana had been cheating on me was what triggered the divorce, but it had been over long before then. It’s… difficult to admit this out loud but for the longest time I was embarrassed. I couldn’t believe that she’d cheated on me – it was an ego thing. I didn’t care because I no longer loved her but at the same time it was mortifying and it made me very bitter.

“I didn’t tell you because you’d trusted me with your own story. I learned how cheating had affected you and my situation was completely different. I don’t know,” he sighed, unsure if he was making any sense. “I regret it now because I should have told you.”

“I understand why you didn’t,” you said simply, attempting to process the huge chunk of information you’d just been given. “But I think, regardless of our different circumstances it still affected you in some way. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with being cheated on.” It had obviously left its mark if he was still bringing it up nearly three years later.

He still wasn’t convinced. “But Nana was right, that’s why I got so angry. I couldn’t admit it to myself, not until this week. By sleeping with someone else she gave me a way out. I didn’t want to be the one who ended it because that would mean I was the reason for Arin’s broken home. To ease my conscience I could blame the breakdown of our marriage on her.”

“Seokjin, that doesn’t make you a terrible human being. You need to let all that go,” you told him gently. “At the time you did what you thought was best for Arin. You thought by staying together it would give her a better life but it doesn’t work like that and you’ve realised that now.”

You didn’t want to stick your nose in business that wasn’t yours, but you understood what had happened. By staying together they had become increasingly bitter towards one another and the result was still ongoing. There had been a lot of hurt and that would take some time getting over.

You noticed the slight nod he gave you, a silent agreement. The sooner he accepted his mistakes the easier it would be to forgive himself. “I still should have you,” he whispered.

“That’s not important anymore,” you insisted.

“It is.” He clutched your waist, his eyes glassy. “You shared so much with me about how you got hurt, and I kept something big from you.”

You gave him a reassuring smile. “Well, I know now.” You weren’t going to hold it against him, it had obviously been playing on his mind the entirety of your relationship. “That’s all that matters.”

He relented, kissing you softly, just once, unable to help himself. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking too these past few days. I talked to my therapist. It’s been a while. I’ve just been so happy I didn’t need to until…” Trailing off he gave an embarrassed shrug.

“That’s good you got back in contact with her.” He hadn’t actually spoken about his therapist since your first date and you’d never thought much about it, but it was great that he knew to seek help when he needed it.

“We talked a couple of times about everything. It was helpful.” He rubbed your back with a soothing hand. “I really am sorry my relationship with Nana is like this. There’s a lot of bitterness and hurt left over from all the years we stayed together. Maybe the truth is we should have never gotten married in the first place. We brought out the worst in one another until in the end it turned to hate, but I can’t regret it because she gave me my world.”

“Maybe realising all this is the next step for some type of closure,” you offered. He and Nana couldn’t keep this up. They needed to get along for Arin’s sake. They had to try and salvage some type of relationship if they wanted to continue co-parenting their daughter – their world.

“I think you’re right,” he agreed. “Now that everything is out in the open I feel so much better.”

“I’m glad.” You leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“So,” he hummed, sounding a lot more like himself, “where do we go from here?”

“I think we just carry on from where we left off.” As far as you were concerned everything had been resolved. All your questions and worries had been answered. You were both on the same page now and you could move on together. “When I was waiting for you to come back with that salad.”

“Sounds perfect.” He laughed, wasting no time with kissing you, properly this time, cupping your face to bring you closer. You settled in his lap soon after, his lips soft and warm, each glide of your tongues making you realise that all you wanted to do was be with him. Always.

“There is one change I’d like to make though,” he murmured, pulling away gradually, kisses becoming gentle pecks until he had the will power to stop completely. “I was going to wait until I took you to Paris, but maybe grand gestures don’t mean shit after I thought I’d lost you.”

Your heart flipped inside your chest just from the look he was giving you, the sheer determination in his eyes, and the way he cupped your face firmly. You thought you knew what was coming.

“I love you.”

You were still speechless for a moment though, but it was okay because he was still busy confessing.

“I know it may seem too fast and I don’t want to scare you away but I’ve fallen head over heels in love with you these past few months. I can’t remember what my life was like before you appeared in it.”

“I love you, too,” you gushed, coming to. “Of course you wouldn’t scare me away. Everything you just said, I feel exactly the same way.”

“Really?”

“Yes!” You exclaimed.

“It’s not too fast?”

“Not at all,” you shook your head. You’d been worried it was at first, but you’d been upset and scared. Now everything was clear. “Actually, there’s no such thing because I’m in this 110%.”

He chuckled then, brow line crinkling in the middle. “That sure?”

“Mhmm,” you nodded enthusiastically, hands holding the back of your neck. “Thank you for reversing into my car.”

That made him snort. “It’s no problem at all, but,” he leaned forward, tone serious, “I hate to break it to you, I’m in 1010%.”

You rolled your eyes playfully, ignoring his goofiness to kiss him again. Although this time there was something you couldn’t ignore any longer. “Oh my god,” you complained, itching your lips.

“What?” He was very obviously concerned.

“Your stubble keeps pricking me!” You whined. “What is going on?” You cupped his face, getting a better look at the situation. He did look rather handsome with stubble, you admit, but you’d keep that to yourself. “A few days without me and you forget to shave.”

He raised a dark eyebrow. “Isn’t that a thing? When you think you’ve lost the woman of your dreams you have to start growing out a beard, right?”

You snorted lightly. “You’d be there for years trying to grow out that thing.”

He tutted. “Rude.”

“But what, say that again? I’m the woman of your dreams?” You teased, pressing for more.

“I take it back now,” he scoffed.

“You can’t! You’ve said it now.”

“Shush,” he laughed. “Come here.” He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close. “Stop talking and let me love you.”

It took a single press of his lips for you to listen.

You were slow and still sleepy when you awoke the next morning, gradually coming to, your eyes still closed. It was raining, you could hear the soft patter of it against the window as you became more aware, but you found it didn’t hinder the good mood you’d woken up in. Why would it?

Finally opening your eyes, although with effort, a soft focus Seokjin came into view, already awake and leaning over you slightly. He smiled when you saw him, a hand caressing your hip. “Good morning, beautiful.”

You smiled back, rolling into the side of his body, making the most of your sleepy state – and your boyfriend’s warmth. “How long have you been awake?” You asked with a small yawn.

You didn’t actually remember falling asleep last night. After you’d made up (and you were done with all that kissing), you’d asked him to stay over. You’d laid in bed, wrapped up in one another as you talked about anything and everything before your eyes had started to get heavy, Seokjin’s voice and your own sounding distant in no time. And now you were here.

“A few minutes,” he murmured, morning voice always an octave lower. It never stopped being sexy. You tangled your legs in his as he laid back down and realised his were now bare – he must have gotten too warm in the middle of the night.

He cupped your face, wanting you to look at him. “I was using the time to admire you.”

“Cheesy as always,” you chuckled.

“Of course,” he agreed easily, leaning in to rub his nose against yours. “I woke up and thought last night might have been a dream.”

“It wasn’t,” you whispered, getting lost in his eyes for a moment.

“I love you.”

With a soft groan you rolled onto your back. “Not fair, I was about to say that.”

“Too bad,” he laughed, that deep morning chuckle you loved, wrapping his arm around your middle as he kissed your cheek. “You snooze you lose.”

“I wasn’t snoozing.”

“You were – and snoring. I heard you.” He was trailing kisses along your jaw now.

“You didn’t!” You exclaimed. That was something you definitely did not do. “I don’t snore, take that back!”

You attempted to wriggle out of his hold but he wasn’t having any of it, both of his hands beginning to tickle your sides. “Seokjin!” You shrieked, starting to thrust your legs but he rolled on top of you, caging your body easily.

He stilled all movement and looked down, having way too much fun teasing you. “What?”

Before you could even think to reply he was kissing you. Somewhere along the way last night you’d gotten used to the stubble, quite liking the tingle across your lips now, so you didn’t gripe this morning. Holding your face he trailed wet kisses down your throat, teeth gently sinking into your collarbone. You let out a gasp, your fingers tangling in his hair as you pushed against his body, eager for more of his mouth.

His hands soon began roaming your body, slipping under your pyjama shirt to caress your skin. His fingers delicately traced the underside of your breasts, lifting his head up to kiss your mouth once before he spoke his request. “Can I see you?”

You smiled and nodded, watching as he started to undo the buttons with expertise. When you were fully revealed he looked at you with a grin. “Woah,” he stated simply.

“You’re acting like you’ve never seen them before,” you giggled.

“I don’t know, I’m pretty sure they’ve gotten bigger.” He mused, weighing your breasts in his hands.

You snorted, mouth dropping open when he captured one of your nipples between his lips. His used his hand to palm the other breast, pinching the nipple with his fingers and you moaned, arching into his touch. Against your crotch you could feel him growing hard – rapidly.

“Take this off,” you urged, tugging at his t-shirt. Your need for him was rising too, breathing becoming unsteady as Seokjin kneeled upright and ripped the piece of clothing off. You sat up, running your hands across the muscular swell of his chest. “Yup,” you nodded to yourself, “definitely gotten bigger.”

He chuckled quietly – shyly almost, and helped you take your shirt off, kissing across your shoulder as he eased you back against the pillows. Next, he got you out of your pyjama bottoms, kissing his way back up your stomach and between the valley of your breasts as his hand slid between your legs, rubbing you above your underwear. Squirming, warmth flooding you as his mouth found yours, your tongues mashing together in haste, your arms wrapped around him, holding him tight.

He slipped his hand inside your panties and loved what he found. “You’re so wet, honey,” he murmured, playfulness in his tone as he circled your clit with the pad of finger. His touch was so light it was unbearable and you whined, nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

He circled your entrance next but didn’t enter, collecting your arousal to rub your clit again. You dug your foot into the mattress, raising your hips to get more. His dick was fully erect now, pressing into your thigh, but he was in no rush, fully devoted when it came to pleasuring you. Dragging your underwear down your thighs, you helped push them off entirely, reaching for him and pulling him into a kiss, although he didn’t stay at your mouth long, kissing across your chest and down your stomach until he met his destination.

He didn’t get very far though, his hot breath making you wriggle about, thighs clamping around his head. “It tickles.”

“Tickles?” He repeated in amusement, nosing your inner thigh. He kissed your bikini line, ignoring your feeble giggles. “I’m not trying to tickle you.”

You held your breath as he placed a testing kiss against your centre, willing yourself not to squirm, but Seokjin took it slow, easing you into it, because your body had suddenly decided to turn hypersensitive in his absence. He continued to kiss your core, his tongue coming out to wash against you too, and soon enough you got used to the sensation.

“Good?” He asked against your clit, the vibrations making you flutter.

You nodded in reply, fingers of both hands reaching to tangle in his hair. He gave you a quick smile and then started to flick his tongue against the bundle of nerves rapidly, making your hips rise in shock as a moan drew from your throat. He gave you no time to recover, sucking on your clit now as he hummed in satisfaction. Body with a mind of its own, you spread your thighs, wanting to feel him even better.

He got the hint, using his hands to plant your feet on his shoulders, legs bent at the knee to open you up even wider for him. He continued to suck you softly, the tip of his tongue flicking back and forth at the same time, the stimulation so glorious you were sure you had tears in your eyes.

“Oh God, Seokjin,” you moaned as he pulled away abruptly, your head falling back against the pillow. You had been moments away from coming, you were almost positive.

He moaned himself as he licked a strip up your centre, pushing your knees higher up your body, exposing your clit even more so this time when he rolled it between his lips your hips jerked around uncontrollably, the pleasure too much. You felt him ease off but begged him not to stop, sounding possessed. “No, don’t stop. Please don’t stop.”

He continued, his eyes on you as he made your legs tremble and you dug your toes into his shoulders, clutching at his hair. “You gonna cum, baby?” He husked. You whined in reply, hips rolling into his face with desperateness. “Give it to me then.” He told you, once again suctioning his lips to your clit.

Your eyes clenched shut as you concentrated on his tongue, panting loudly as the muscles in your gut tightened. Your release hit you seconds later, lifting your hips up with one last burst of energy as he continued to work his tongue against your thrumming clit, your orgasm crashing through you in waves as you cried out. It was amazing, almost euphoric if you wanted to be dramatic (you did), your whole body satisfied and warm.

Seokjin tried to ride it out as long as possible, but soon you grew sensitive, your hands detaching themselves from his hair to fall limply to your side, chest rising and falling deeply as you tried to catch your breath. He wrapped his fingers around your ankles delicately and placed your legs down on the bed before hovering over your body. He was just as out of breath, your arousal smeared across his mouth and chin, and you kissed him greedily, wanting nothing more. You could feel him rutting against you, attempting to gain just a little bit of relief, and taking pity on him you cupped his erection over his underwear, giving him a squeeze. He groaned at the sensation, breaking away from your mouth.

You started to rub him as best you could as he kneeled between your legs, watching your hand at work. He chuckled in disbelief. “You have me so hard, shit.”

“That is my area of expertise,” you gloated, pulling his dick out of his boxer shorts. You ran your fist up and down it a few times, revelling in the smooth skin, thumb circling the head that was beading with precum.

His patience was crazy this morning, enjoying the way you touched him so much he leaned in to kiss you again, panting quietly against your lips as you sped up your movements, dragging your thumb across his slit in a bid to spread his arousal. He hissed, jerking into your hand, and you just about lost it. You wanted him, no, needed him inside you. Right this instant.

You looked him deep in the eyes, your noses practically touching as you gave him a squeeze. “Make love to me, Seokjin.”

He broke then, unable to deny you or himself any longer. His underwear was gone in a flash, thick cock bobbing as he guided you onto your side, fitting in beside you perfectly. He wrapped his hand around your calf, lifting your leg over his to spread you out a little and then he angled the head of his cock at your entrance, kissing your shoulder as he slowly began to push inside you.

You closed your eyes as you felt the drag, both of you groaning as he continued to fill you, his hand pushing one of your butt cheeks up a little so he could successfully bottom out. You stayed like that for a while, kissing one another, one of his arms hooked underneath your neck, hand cupping your chin, the other caressing your body, tracing across your stomach before softly cupping your breasts. The sensation had you sighing sweetly, pushing back into him and he couldn’t hold off any longer.

He thrusted slowly, practically all the way out just to push back in, filling you up over and over. It was glorious, his rhythm eliciting moan after moan, especially as he played with your chest, rolling your hardened nipples between his fingers. You could hear yourself, how wet you were, and you rolled yourself onto your side more, pushing your ass into him in a bid to get more.

He got the message, speeding up as you reached behind and ran your fingers through his hair. He loved that, grunting as he spoke against your ear, “A little faster, baby?”

All you could do was nod and respond with a garbled noise from somewhere deep within your throat, Seokjin’s thrusts gaining momentum as he started to pound against your ass, his laboured breathing blowing hot air against your cheek. One of his hands dug into the round of your ass, his teeth sinking into your shoulder as he growled softly, thrusts purposeful, unrelenting.

“Let me see your pretty face,” he panted after a few moments, pulling you into him and cupping your jaw. You twisted yourself, half flat to his sweaty chest as you spread your legs too, letting him thrust up into you. Your breasts jiggled with the force of his movements, his tongue pushing into your mouth, kiss sloppy and everything good.

His breathing got heavier, his movements turning slightly sloppy as he adjusted your body once again so he could kiss and caress your breasts instead. A hand played with the left one as his mouth licked and sucked the right, grunts falling from his lips now as he quickly lost himself. His thrusts got harder and his teeth grazed against your nipple. When you cried out, he loved that, squeezing your boob roughly, tearing another sound from your throat as your walls clamped around him, gripping him for all he was worth.

You knew he was done for when he sought your mouth again, chuckling huskily as you pecked kisses against his plump lips. You felt his dick pulse, thrusts messy as he chased his end, and then he stilled, groaning as his orgasm hit and he started spilling warmth inside of you.

He wrapped his arms around you tightly once it was over, hugging you to his body with even more kisses, both of you panting softly, enjoying the come down. In fact, you didn’t want it to end. Gradually falling soft, he stayed buried inside you and made no attempts to slip out. If anything, he was damn determined to stay there for as long as possible it seemed.

“I love you,” you told him sweetly, sweeping some of his hair out of his eyes, still engulfed by his heat.

He smiled, practically goofy, still drunk off your lovemaking. “I love you too, of course.”

And then it was back to kissing.

You had a week’s worth to catch up on, and an entirety more to look forward to.

*BONUS*

You (10:25am) Seokjin came over last night, we talked it out and made up 😊

Soojung (10:29am) Finally! ILY and I’m so happy for you best friend! But thanks for the heads up, I’ll be giving the house a wide berth this weekend See you Monday 😘

Written 2020 - 2021. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2021

#seokjin fanfic #bts fanfic #bts smut #seokjin smut #fic:mls #floralseokjin:writings

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hellsbellschime · 3 years

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I always love your takes on Dany because I think you explain her really well and was wondering what you think of this take by a Dany stan. It's got some uh... interesting ideas. Sorry too because it's quite long

The main difference in between Daenerys' political arc, and that of other "heroes" and their Houses is that Dany's is not currently a political arc relegated to fighting for Targaryen grievances and wins. Meanwhile, all other main House representatives in the narrative (Starks, Martells, Lannisters, Greyjoys, Tullys, Tyrells, Baratheons) are generally fighting precisely for nothing else but their own (and their Houses') grievances and wins.

That's where the double standards come in-

+ Daenerys is harshly and minutely judged for the quality of her every act, upon every single person in her narrative, bc her arc involves her aim to hold responsibility over the wellness of all these people.

+ Everyone else who are part of the Great Houses however are merely judged as per how they perform towards the wellness of their own Houses, because that's all they aim to perform for.

One girl dies in an act Dany is not directly involved in, particularly in intention, and the discussions are endless as per the repercussions and outrage of the occurrence. Because Daenerys took it upon herself to defend all these people, and this seems like a failure, particularlyin her POV: one girl with no other importance in the story and a few lines, among maybe millions. One girl. Hazea.

Robb Stark and his men, on the other hand, will kill, maim and rape thousands, or even tens of unnamed thousands, and there is no outrage; rarely discussed repercussions. Because Robb's political arc is not about protecting nameless people. Not about caring for the fate of one-liner non-noble characters. His arc is about the grievances of House Stark. About Ned. Readers judge him upon how close he gets to getting revenge on Tywin and Jofrrey, about how well/or bad he leads wars, not about what kind of leader he is to people, what kind of 'monster' he is to enemy commonfolk. The relevance of his eventual loss is not about the fate of his people, or enemy people, either. It's about his personal tragedy. It's about the tragedy of the remaining Starks.

There is outrage for Daenerys even killing her (leader) enemies. For everyone else, it's an undisputed aim.

Daenerys is even already judged for the possibility of a future where she will anything that concerns her actually being Daenerys of House Targaryen in Westeros. The possibility that any Westerosi people might die, while hundreds of thousands may have been dying so far at the hands of other Great Houses (directly and indirectly), and it's mostly irrelevant for them. But for Daenerys that judgement is everything. She is looked through the lense of "if she's a Queen she's meant to protect them, not kill them" tho she has not yet been granted that status, while those who have had the status of Kings, Queens and Lords of Westeros in the meantime have been responsible for the deaths of their own people all of this time.

No noble Northener really cares for a Jeyne Poole, least of all for a Hazea.

Daenerys alone is (harshly) judged as a leader of people, because that's her current actual arc. She is not Daenerys of House Targaryen currently, in a real sense, not really. Her family and House don't really matter where she is now, and to what she is doing.

Almost every other noble character (and I only say almost to partly exclude those not taking particular part in politics) is given the leniency of the tragic MC in a tragic family drama biopic. ALL THEY ARE IS X PERSON OF HOUSE Y. And in most cases nothing else matter. - end post

Well, obviously no hate to this person whoever they are and I don't necessarily think it's a bad take just because I disagree with it. I particularly DO agree on things like Jeyne Poole, and I think that is GRRM very intentionally trying to point out some huge hypocrisies with everyone in the story, even the "good guys", because it is incredibly unfair that no one will come to save Jeyne Poole while a fuckton of people will come to save "Arya Stark" just because they cared about Ned.

But where I don't agree is on that aspect in particular. Because it's not about winning or airing grievances for these great houses, a lot of their actions are largely driven by the fact that they simply care deeply about the other people who are involved in the war now or who have been hurt or killed in the past wars, and that is largely what is motivating many of them to do what they do. And in even more intense cases, they're going to war because they are in extremely immediate danger.

This is true for both villains and heroes, I mean Robb and Cat go to war against the Lannisters because there is an immediately mortal threat to their entire family, and even though Cersei and the rest of the Lannisters are clearly villains, their actions are also driven by an immediate mortal danger that their family is facing. And it's safe to say, a huge portion of what happened in the WOT5K would never have even occurred if a lot of these people weren't put in a position of "HOLY SHIT me or someone I love is about to die RIGHT NOW if I don't do something so I better fucking do something".

I feel like the story makes it clear that the wars that they are fighting are very pointless and brutal anyway. I mean FFS, GRRM does not accidentally traumatize the shit out of Arya by putting her in a commoner's position in a war that is supposedly being fought in her name. So I actually agree with the writer in the sense that there is a double standard when it comes to Dany vs. everyone else, but I feel like the double standard is valid because all of these characters for better or worse have a dog in this fight. Whatever they've done is incredibly personal and therefore pretty irrational for them.

And the fact that the men are rallying to save Arya Stark when they wouldn't rally to save a thousand Jeyne Pooles is very telling and demonstrates that they are extremely hypocritical, but it's also telling because they're not fighting for the "heir to House Stark". They repeatedly talk about how they're fighting for Ned's girl. It has very little to do with her nobility and power and a great deal to do with how these people feel about Ned not as a Stark, but just as a person that they knew and cared for who was horribly wronged.

So while I agree and recognize that a ton of the main characters have done the wrong things, often for the wrong reasons, it's personal, it's emotional, and it's irrational. And in a lot of cases it is driven by something as simple and pure as "I am about to die if I don't do something so I'm doing the first thing I fucking think of to get out of it". Even for the houses who initially got involved as a power play, it has become very much about the people that they care about and their own feelings rather than strategy and house advancement.

That doesn't magically make it moral, but it does make it hugely distinct from what Daenerys is doing. Because Daenerys doesn't have a dog in this fight at all. She has absolutely no personal ties to Westeros or anyone in it, and she is not in any danger from anyone in Westeros. Literally the only Westerosi person who has ever even really tried to kill her is a man she doesn't know and is already dead, and the only Targaryen she ever knew who even had a connection to Westeros was someone she hated who abused her horrifically and who is also already dead.

Ergo, Dany is a villain because she literally has no personal or political justification for the massive war that she's going to bring to Westeros. She is going to leave the place she's in that is a complete mess and desperately needs help even more than it did after her intervention, and she's going to invade a place that she doesn't care about beyond some imaginary concept she has about it in her head, has no connection to, has no need for her, and poses no threat to her.

She's not fighting for anything besides herself and her own sense of entitlement over Westeros. She's more harshly judged for her actions because they are completely driven by her own whims and desires and nothing more. She has the opportunity to think things through and plan and get advice and actually figure out the best way to do things, whereas every character in Westeros is reacting to something very immediate that they don't have a lot of time to consider and that is deeply emotional for them. But still, she doesn't even do that.

She's judged for all of the mistakes she makes because they're unnecessary and foreseeable mistakes. And, if she actually just waited and tried to figure out what to do instead of basically throwing herself into situations where she's suddenly overthrowing governments and ruling hundreds of thousands of people without a plan or any governing experience, then a lot of the bad things that have happened as a result of her campaign wouldn't have happened.

And obviously, I think this is a very intentional move on GRRM's part. I think he establishes that war is pointless and often outrageously hypocritical with the WOT5K, but there's a reason he gave Dany no one she loves and no one who needs her help and no one who poses a threat to her in Westeros. She's going to bring war to an already war-ravaged continent simply because she feels like it should belong to her.

That is drastically different than Robb going to war because his father has been falsely charged with treason or Cersei murdering Robert because he will try to murder her children if he finds out they're not his. And while all of the wars in ASOIAF are terrible and purposeless in the end, GRRM is going very far out of his way to demonstrate that Dany has literally zero justification or even explanation for why she acts the way she does beyond her belief in her own super-special entitlement.

#asoiaf #anti daenerys targaryen #anti daenerys targaryen meta #asoiaf meta

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vidalinav · 3 years

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I hate that Nesta’s protectiveness, the one quality in the narrative that even Feyre saw as Nesta showing her love for Elain, and the part of her that was again shown when she chose to die with Cassian, that was honored as she stood at Enalius’s passing, because she wholeheartedly wanted her friends to live, which can even be passed to the act of her wanting to tell her story and help the fae, because she wanted to protect the humans—to give them a chance, that part of her that started scrying because she wanted Nyx to be born in a better world, that sacrificed her powers for her sister and her nephew, because she wholeheartedly did not care about herself, she cared about other people’s well-being, that quality I never found bad or awful towards Nesta, that one quality I actually thought highlighted how good Nesta was, and how caring, is used by Elain as Nesta’s character flaw even though Nesta is only protective of Elain during three instances: one when they were human, which Nesta conceded on letting Feyre and the IC use the house after Elain says they should, one when Elain was lifeless for a bit and deeply traumatized, and once in ACOSF about scrying when the last time she scryed Elain was taken by the cauldron and Hybern.

This is why I can’t sympathize with Elain as a victim to Nesta’s ways as it’s portrayed in three instances: when she cries in the library knowing full well the current state of affairs, when she accuses Nesta of only thinking of how her trauma affects her and saying that she remembers Feyre rescuing her, and when she talks of the duke situation and says that she hopes Nesta channels all of “that” into something more productive. And then when Feyre agrees that they ALL coddle her, when Amren says that they shouldn’t underestimate her, and when Rhys again says that perhaps they haven’t seen what Elain is made of, and when Azriel is like we shouldn’t subject her to that darkness. Some of this I would understand Elain getting mad, but not for Nesta coddling, because Nesta at this point hasn’t even seen Elain for a WHILE, which makes all the difference, because how can she coddle someone she has pushed away? I can see her being angry for what Nesta says, the dog comment (actually that was never said out loud) or the father comment or what the IC do because they don’t give her tasks and kind of just let her be, but the context of the situation DOES matter, because these situations in which Nesta is saying something mean is a situation where Elain is really oblivious and not reading the context of the situation, and it comes at the end of the scene when it’s already been taken too far. She’s not mean for sport lol. I would even understand the anger based on feeling left out, but that’s not what she gets angry about. It’s directly and only at Nesta and for that one quality, and it has made this notion both in the book and the fandom that Elain is “coddled” specifically by Nesta as opposed to giving Nesta the validation that she is deeply afraid and her MO entirely is that she protects the people she loves. She has not told Elain she has no free will, she has not taken it away. That has NEVER happened. Elain consistently thrived for almost all of the book series, until she turned fae. There was no forever under Nesta’s thumb.

It reminds me a little of when Elain says that her father could never say no to Nesta as if this grown ass man had no control and all of the control/responsibility was on this 14 year old girl. What? It’s also why I think Elain has much of the same skewed, problematic perspective as Nesta had in the beginning of ACOSF where she thought people sided with Feyre. I have such a problem that people in this fandom use that dialogue as a way that Elain is the rational one, or the one whose finally and rightfully sticking up for herself, or who is a victim of other people. Like no I’m sorry. I do agree that she is neglected in some sense, but there is more evidence that that is her choice than it is because of other people. She literally says that Nesta can’t hate her choice to live a simple life but also hate her getting involved. She locks herself away when Nesta is there. She pretends to garden for other people or whatever as Cassian notes it might have been a lie. She avoids Lucien. She is the one who though Feyre thinks she’s pleasant, they’re not extremely close, and that happened without Nesta involved at all.

The mere act of saying it’s because of other people makes her a victim which is her whole character arc from the beginning, of her not helping even when she could just as much as Nesta. Nesta is both held accountable for her healing as in everyone pretty much pushes her to do it faster, and then also for that situation. Elain isn’t held accountable for either. Neither her own healing, Bc they didn’t push her at all even now. And also for that hunting situation.

We’ve seen literal evidence of Elain in ACOMAF where Elain is like softly being like Nesta we need to help and Nesta concedes. We’ve seen Elain stab the King of Hybern. We’ve seen her be pretty mean too in ACOSF, or at least biting back. She can help if she wants. That is not Nesta’s fault so I really really hope that that is her skewed narrative and it becomes an objective of character development as Feyre was to Nesta and it’s not used as another way that Nesta is criticized for something in the book as well as the fandom that is far more complex than “oh Nesta is mean. She hurts everyone. She’s an awful character. Blah blah blah.” But ultimately, I hope it’s used for Elain taking accountability of her own life. That it is not other people’s fault, she’s not happy or doing something or close with many people. Her narrative right now, even with the mate bond situation, is that she lacks control of her own life, but... uhh hate to break it to you.

The evidence is there guys. Elain is having problems. Nesta is not THE problem, which for gods knows why I’ve seen on so many posts when they want to defend Elain. Defend Elain, she’s not a bad character. But not for this lol. This is one of her character flaws.

#nesta archeron #anti elain #anti SJM #anti acosf #that's all for my Monday rant

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hlizr50 · 3 years

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What's in a Name?

My first Gwynriel fic. And the rest is history, I suppose!

This fic was actually inspired by the epilogue chapters of A Court of Smoke and Shadow, another Gwynriel fic by our favorite, the incomparable @daevastanner. Read that here on AO3.

Gwyn and Az discuss surnames.

Read on AO3

“Azriel?”

“Gwyn.” He lifted his gaze to the female who had become, well, everything. Her back was to him now as she surveyed the bookshelf intently, as if the House wouldn’t gift her exactly what she was looking for. Azriel studied her, taking in how her straight, silken hair shone like copper in the firelight and how the shadows highlighted her toned back. She seemed… tense. She so rarely took so much time to choose her words. “Berdara, what’s on your mind?”

“You don’t have a surname?”

Had she been dwelling on that all afternoon?

“I don’t. When you’re brought into the world… as I was… you are not given the honor of a birthright.”

“Does it… does it bother you?” Gwyn looked over her shoulder at him, teal gaze burning through him. Cauldron, he could look into those eyes forever. He shrugged before rising from the couch and running a hand through his dark locks.

“It used to. Not as much anymore.”

“Really?” She’d returned her focus to the books lining the shelf in front of her. Azriel closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around her stomach, resting his chin on her shoulder. It wasn’t so long ago that he had refused to touch her without her request. Now their intimacy was almost casual and carefree. He smiled when she placed her freckled hands over his scarred ones. “It doesn’t bother you anymore?”

“When I was younger it was a source of shame. It took me longer than it should have to realize that the name didn’t matter, because I did have a family.” He pressed a soft kiss to her temple. “I have an incredible family that made me nearly whole. And then came you, the missing piece. Worrying about a name seems almost silly when I have you.” Gwyn squeezed his hands and he tightened his embrace.

“When we’re mated, though, how will that work?”

“I’m not sure,” he shrugged. He hadn’t missed the ‘when’. They hadn’t accepted the mating bond, at least officially, but he had no doubt that it was only a matter of time. Their relationship had taken years to develop, allowing her time to heal and feel safe in his arms and in his life. They’d shared so many moments and new achievements and he was certain they would be making each other proud until they both withered away.

Gwyn wriggled a little and he loosened his grasp. She turned to face him, her hands on his chest. He let his hands find those perfect hips as he met her questioning gaze.

“Maybe…” she looked down for a blink, took a breath, and then looked back up at him, eyes glimmering with determination. “Maybe you could take my name.”

His fingers tightened on the curves he held and he felt his eyes widen ever-so-slightly. Which words did he want to say? What could possibly express how deeply humbled he was that she – the brave, beautiful, incredible Valkyrie, survivor and warrior – would honor him with her name. He, who had no birthright, had little more to offer her than his scarred heart, killing power, and a vow that she would always be safe with him.

“Azriel?”

He blinked and found Gwyn’s eyes wide with questions… and a hint of uncertainty. Cauldron, he’d been so deep in his emotions. Az sucked in a breath, searching again for what he wanted to say.

Damn him and his sensitive heart.

“Gwyn… I…”

She shrugged and looked down, pulling her hands way from clasp at her chest. Azriel could have whimpered from the loss of her touch.

“I don’t really know what is expected or what is… typical…” her voice trailed. He chuckled softly, unaccustomed to seeing the Valkyrie so unsure. He raised his left hand and softly pressed fingers against her jaw, lifting her face to his.

“I’m not sure much about our relationship has been typical, Gwyn.” He could have kicked himself when her eyes dimmed and she looked away, moving her chin away from his touch.

“I know… I…” She was too quiet, voice laced with regret. “I know I’ve made it difficult for you, Azriel. I wish –“

“Gwyn, stop, please,” he pleaded, grabbing her folded hands and pulling them to his chest. “I am so sorry, love, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.” He waited patiently, stroking his calloused thumbs over her fingers. His eyes were trained on her face, cursing himself as he noted the flush under the dusting of freckles and the thin thread of silver lining her ocean eyes.

“Gwyn… please,” he pleaded as he willed her to turn back to him, give him a chance to right his mistake. His chest swelled with pride when her lashes fell and she took two deep calming breaths.

She was the rock against which the surf crashes. Nothing could break her.

He could have fallen to his knees in relieve when she turned that sea-deep gaze back to him. The burning in the back of his eyes intensified as he lost himself in her bright stare that shone with wetness and… shame? He would not stand for that.

“Gwyneth Berdara, I would not change a single moment of what we have shared. Please, please, know that.” Azriel’s words were quiet and fierce and raw with emotion. “When I was… much younger - centuries ago - I assumed that courting would be walking through gardens and showering a female with gifts; symphonies and plays and fancy dinners in crowded upscale restaurants on the Sidra. I would be a powerful male with a demure beauty on my arm.” The copper-haired warrior tried to avert her gaze again at his words but he reached out and touched her cheek, willing her eyes to return to his. “That was a different time, and I am a wholly different male than I was then. Gwyn, you and I? We launch ourselves at each other in the training ring, each trying to draw first blood. We read by the fire until we fall asleep. We eat cookies until we feel sick and laugh until we cry. We save each other from our nightmares and encourage one another to chase our dreams. You are incredibly witty and strong-willed, and our banter rivals the most arrogant Illyrians in all the war camps”

Azriel’s mouth quirked as she tried to stifle a giggle. He moved his other hand to her face, cupping her cheeks as her fingers spread lightly over his chest. Then he leaned in, their noses a mere fingertip from touching.

“All I mean to say, Gwyn, is that I never would have expected my story to end up like this. And I may be biased, but I think our love story rivals even the most soul-shattering works in all the great libraries.”

“I don’t know about that,” Gwyn laughed, but her eyes crinkled and a few stray tears escaped from the corners. She moved her hands to grasp his jaw and pressed a quick kiss to his lips, sweet and chaste. She never ceased to surprise him, to amaze him. He grinned and pulled her back into him, lips capturing hers again. It was longer, deeper, and full of promise. When he released her mouth he kept his forehead against hers.

“I love you, Gwyneth Berdara, and I would be honored to take your name when we are mated. I am truly humbled that you would offer that to me.”

“Azriel.” He smiled wistfully as her fingers stroked his cheek. “It is my honor to give it. To the one I love. To the one who has helped me to be brave and strong. You have made me whole again, Azriel. You are a part of me. I couldn’t dream of not sharing my name with you.”

He could drown in those bright, trusting eyes for all eternity. He had to remind himself so often that he would, that they would have decades and centuries to stare more and more deeply into each other, to dream and grow together.

Azriel kissed her forehead and then pulled her against him. She tucked her head against the crook of his neck as he swayed gently back and forth. Fingers from one hand brushed through her hair as the other hand painted soothing strokes up and down her back.

“I’m sorry I was so sensitive,” she murmured under his chin. “I shouldn’t have overreacted.”

“Don’t apologize, love,” he answered, nuzzling the crown of her head. “Every one of your feelings is valid, even if it isn’t what I had meant for you to feel. What I said bothered you, and I’m relieved you were honest in your reaction so I could reassure you. Never hide your feelings from me, Gwyn. Just as I am a part of you, you are a part of me, and I could never forgive myself if I left you hurting.”

Gwyn nodded against him. “I love you, Shadowsinger.” Her arms wrapped around him and she breathed in, squeezing herself impossibly further into him.

He grinned. Being wrapped in that embrace was the sweetest captivity he had ever known. He never wanted to escape. “I love you, too, Berdara.”

#gwynriel #gwynriel fanfiction #gwynriel fanfic #gwyneth berdara #azriel shadowsinger #ao3 #ao3fic #ao3 fanfic #fanfic of a fanfic #gwyn x azriel #azwyn

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softcallofdutyimagines · 3 years

Note

Sorry if I request too much lol. I really love your writing. If you haven't wrote this yet, could you do headcannons of the safehouse crew (or just Adler, Woods, and Hudson if the whole crew is too much) with an S/O who feels unlovable?

Aw, of course I can. But just so you and all my followers know, everyone is worthy of love, even if you yourself may not feel it, I promise it's true :) I love each and every one of you, this blog and these writings are as much for you guys as they are me.

You are seen. You are valid. And you are loved, more then you may know 💖

Adler

This man knows exactly how it feels to consider yourself unlovable

He's divorced for Christ's sake...

Honestly, he's not sure he could receive a bigger "fuck you", let alone a "no one will love you"

Alder's lived with that pain for quite some time, the dreaded voice nagging in the back of his mind that his wife was right

That he'll never be enough, he'll never find someone to love him...

And those horrible scars on his face seal her words and his thoughts like venomous sting, a curse that will never be lifted

Too old, too ugly, too broken...

Why would anyone want him?

Words cannot describe how awestruck he was when he met you, let alone when you two became official

He does all he can to makes sure you never feel the way he has, rejected and discarded, but sometimes...

Adler feels so helpless when you feel that way, but all he can do is try to reassure you and sit with you on it

He'll do or bring whatever you ask, but he finds it most comforting to hold you until you feel steadied again

Hudson

Some may experience the sensation of feeling unlovable now and then, and certainly, he doesn't mean to invalidate that, but...

Hudson knows a thing or two of having every damn person he meets treat him as such

He knows he's a callus guy, and maybe the choice he makes for the betterment of most doesn't settle with the conscious of the few

He knows he's not one for socializing or engaging conversation like seemingly everyone else in this damn organization

But does he really deserve the shunning and disrespect most everyone directs at him?

He's not sure, to be honest...

You see, that changed when he met you however

Finally, someone who loved him for him and didn't cast him aside or treat him as less when things got tough

You are the most lovable and worthy of love person in his entire life, perhaps that he's ever even met

It breaks his heart to hear you feel otherwise

He's not very good with fancy, soothing words, so he hopes holding you and telling you he loves you while kissing you softly will be enough

He'll stay with you as long as you need, because nothing matters more to him then your wellbeing

Lazar

Now this big guy has a bit of a different angle then most of the others on here

He's friendly, kind, and all around a lovable person

He doesn't know much at all about how it feels to be rejected or denied affection

At least, not in a serious, traumatizing way that is

Admittedly, it's a bit hard for him to understand how you can feel that way

After all, you're the most wonderful, amazing person in his entire life!

He loves you deeply, whole and completely, through and through with every fiber of his 6'4, 240 lb frame

But, just because he doesn't understand doesn't mean he doesn't want to take the time to learn

He wishes he could shield you from all the hurt and pain that's in this awful world, and if he could take it all on for you, he would in a heartbeat

But for now, he listens to your feelings and provides a shoulder to cry on if you need it

Lazar tries to instill a sense wantedness and belonging in you by trying to take you out to little dates and places you love

Anything to show you that he hears you, sees you, and wants you to know that he cares for your interests and desires

Mason

Oof, honestly I'm not sure anyone on this list seems themselves as truly more unlovable then Alex

If we're being completely honest, he doesn't even love himself after all

He seems to be a mean to an ends wherever he goes

Someone's tool to accomplish their own, selfishly motivated goals

The Soviets, the CIA, the Military... It doesn't matter

The things something like that does to you, it's...

It fucks you up

Even when he does meet you, things are slow going to start a relationship

But once he's confident in his standing with you, there's no one he trusts, confides in, or loves more in the whole world

That said, it pains him to hear you feel that way, especially because he knows exactly how you feel

Mason isn't sure how to comfort you really, considering he finds most of his comfort in being with an s/o, but he hopes to provide reassurance through being present for you

He's a thoughtful listener and can provide a hug, kiss, or cuddle whenever you need

Park

Park is a bit of the odd one out tbh

She's had nagging whispers of doubt that's she's unlovable, mostly thanks to her scar, but she never seems to really buy into them

And, as far as she's concerned, why should she?

She's intelligent, successful, friendly, and a whole list of other approachable, inviting traits

But, she does underrated where you're coming from when you tell her how you're feeling

All she knows is what she would want to receive when she's feeling low and in that dark place

She may give that a try if you're feeling unable to communicate, but she will always try to respect your needs and ask what she can do for you first

If you can't conjure the words, she'll bring you a nice glass of water and sit with you, hip to hip, until you feel a little more soothed

Sims

Sims is a guy who's lived his whole life as a drifter

The key point however, is that this is by his own choice

He's never really allowed himself the opportunity to feel unlovable because he never puts himself in such a position in the first place

When he feels lonely, he hopes on to the next person

When he feels smothered, he finds the smoothest way possible to create distance

You however, are his first real romance and he's determined to see this one through for as long as possible

The idea of feeling totally and completely unlovable is a foreign concept to him and he, like Lazar, will need a bit of guidance to understand your feelings

But nonetheless, he's happy to learn and wants to support you to the best if his ability

He most likely takes the same route as Lazar anyways, and tries to plan bonding style activities for when you're feeling down

His hope is that doing something to bring you both closer together might help you in the long run one day

Woods

You know, he's not as emotionally unintelligent as most people seem to think

Deep down, when he has time to reflect, he does get that sense of being unlovable

He's so just fucked up

And that's not even scratching the surface

Who'd want him, right?

Now, he doesn't usually feel that way is the thing

But when he gets with you and you express similar feelings...

He can understand at least

God, he'd do anything to keep you from having to feel that way...

He does whatever he can to try and show his love

Through deeds, through words, whatever it may be

Sometimes he just wishes he could punch the bad feelings away

But not everything is a physical issue, and some things have to be learned through trial and error

Woods wants nothing more then to please you and you'll find an adaptive, quick learner in him

Once he gets on track, a favorite tactic of his is to provide physical comfort through warm blankets and long cuddling sessions

#black ops cold war #call of duty #russell adler x reader #jason hudson x reader #eleazar azoulay x reader #lazar x reader #alex mason x reader #helen park x reader #lawrence sims x reader #frank woods x reader

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z3llous · 3 years

Text

Would You Still Love me?

(FTM Reader x Sanji)

Warning: Transphobia. It's gonna get sad before it gets happy, so don’t read if you aren't in the mental state for that.

(Also it starts with she/her pronouns for a reason, just wait and see ok? Don’t worry it’ll get there.)

(Aug 16, 2020)

He was her closest and most trusted friend. They did everything and went everywhere together, but not today.

Women were what he loved, y/n was a woman, and y/n loved him. So what was the problem? As much as she loved him, she wasn't sure he loved her in the same way. Her love was unconditional, but was his?

The path trailed off into a darker more mysterious part of town.

He seemed to "love" all women, but what about her specifically? Was it simply adoration? Would he truly love her if she asked him to, or would he continue to "love" the others as well?

Wandering aimlessly and alone was the plan of the day. It was all in hope of somehow easing the weight of her heavy heart.

She would love him even if he wasn't a him. Regardless of gender Sanji was her everything. Gender meant little to her as long as Sanji was Sanji, but what about him? Would he still care about her if she wasn't a woman anymore?

A dark eerie shop came into view ahead to her left. It somehow gave her a warm welcoming feeling that flooded her lonely soul and begged for a visitor.

Wasn't the person more important than the gender?

As she grew closer she noticed the witch symbol that marked all magic shops.

The thoughts that plagued her mind and heart relentlessly, became lighter as she turned the bone handle and opened the door.

"May I help you?" A sweet fairly young looking witch asked kindly.

Incense filled the small shop with its pleasant aroma bringing some comfort to her weary mind.

"I don't need help at the moment. Would it be a bother if I asked questions about some of the things you're selling?" y/n said politely, eyes trailing across the shelves.

"Not at all, dear. Look around, ask all you like." She answered happily twirling a strand of her soft teal hair.

"Thank you." y/n said before walking around in search of something that might be of use.

The bay leaves caught her eye, since she'd watched Sanji use them in soups before. Unfortunately, the thought of Sanji wasn't welcome at the moment. Her expression unknowingly dropped.

"I'm sorry to pry, but are you alright miss? No one else is here and I won't judge you, dear." The kind witch asked noticing the poor girl's change in mood.

"I- No, I'm not alright..." y/n answered truthfully, since there was no use in hiding it. Her heart couldn't bear to lie to such a kind woman.

"Well what's the matter, dear?" Curiosity and concern filling the witch's voice and face. She knew from experience how harmful holding in emotions could be.

"Well, there's this man I love, but he adores women in general. I'm not sure, even if he truly loved me, that it would be the same way in which I love him. I love him for him, not because he's a man. Would he still care about me if I wasn't a woman?" Y/n admitted feeling relieved that she'd finally said her worries aloud.

"Ah, your worries are deep and valid, dear. It's understandable that you'd feel that way. Would you mind if I read you? Take a closer look at your soul." The teal witch said looking wise beyond her years. She'd thought similarly when she met her wife and soulmate. One often searches deeply inside themselves and the other when soulmates are involved.

"Why not? I'm always open to learn a bit about myself. " She said walking over.

A teal lock of wavy hair dropped from the witch's hand as she released it and held out her palm calmly.

Y/n placed her hand into hers and waited. The witch examined her hands, eyes, and face with her experienced gold eyes.

"I'm certain this isn't your first life. You've been both man and woman in your previous lives." The witch said confidently and patted y/n's hand softly to reassure her.

"That doesn't surprise me..." y/n stated, eyes drifting to the floor.

"You've known it for awhile, hun. Well, I do have something. I wouldn't normally bring it out, but since it fits your situation. So, I'll make an exception." She said pulling out a purple potion with blue flecks swirling about inside in a whirlpool like manner.

The sight of such a thing mesmerized her eyes with its lustrous hypnotic swirl.

"It changes one from female to male. The only way to reverse it is to ingest a male to female potion. Make sure to take it before you climb into bed, because it has sleep inducing qualities." The witch continued as she carefully poured some into a small shot glass sized bottle, sealed it, and marked it with the male symbol, before placing it onto the counter in front of y/n.

"Thank you, so much." y/n said paying her and placing it carefully into her bag.

"Not a problem, dear. Would you like the other one as well? Some grow to miss their old body within a week." The witch said pulling out a red glittering potion.

"....Just in case, yes." She said after a moment of thought. The sweet witch had experience with these things after all.

"Alright, dear." She said cheerfully as she poured another small bottle and marked it with the female symbol. Excited for the poor thing to settle the turmoil that resided within her.

"I can't thank you enough!" y/n exclaimed paying for that one too and putting it into her bag as well.

"I wish the greatest of blessings upon you, dear! I hope that man sees you for you!" The Teal witch happily waved as she watched the girl leave.

---

Robin was the only one who knew of what she was going to do. Robin never failed to keep a secret for her and she certainly wasn't about change that.

Once night had arrived she waltzed into the safety of her own room. Sliding under the cool sheets she couldn't help but fantasize of the best possible outcome. Excitement filled her system and she drank the surprisingly sweet potion. A pleasant feeling swept through her that was soon followed by drowsiness and so she slipped away into unconsciousness.

---

*drєαm*

hє pínnєd ѕαnjí αgαínѕt α wαll αnd ѕlíd híѕ hαndѕ íntσ thє вlσndє'ѕ hαír. hє вєgαn tσ pull hím clσѕє fσr α kíѕѕ-

---

He squinted his eyes from the glaring ray of sun light that peeked past the curtain. Suddenly remembering he raced to the mirror. Amazing, the potion had worked so well. It would take a bit to get used to, but they already had some previously oversized clothes that fit nicely.

Robin, expecting it, casually greeted them as though nothing had changed.

"Morning, Y/n." Robin said as he walked out and sat next to her for their usual morning reading session.

"WAIT Y/N???" Ussop yelled confusedly, nearly dropping the project he was working on.

"Yes, Ussop?" y/n asked normally, turning toward him as he lowered his book.

"WHAT HAPPENED???" he yelled again.

"Oh, I bought a potion from a nice witch lady." Y/n answered casually going back to his book.

"That sounds SUUUUPERRR!" Franky yelled popping into the conversation for a moment.

"Thank you, Franky, it is." Y/n said with a smile.

"Did it hurt?" Chopper asked peaking around the corner, since he was playing hide and seek with Luffy.

"Not at all, it tasted sweet and made me sleepy." Y/n answered calmly as he turned a page.

"I wanna meet the nice witch lady!" Luffy exclaimed as he fell out of an orange tree.

"STAY OUT OF MY ORANGE TREES!" Nami yelled as she ran over and grabbed all the oranges that fell before Luffy could get them.

"I don't think the nice witch lady would appreciate you running all over her shop, Luffy." Y/n said amused, turning another page.

"Aaaaaw no fair!" Luffy whined as he rubbed the new bump on his head.

"Nami-swaaan! Robin-chwaaan! Y/n- Who are you?" Sanji said walking out of the kitchen with a morning snack only to be surprised by a familiar, yet new face.

"A nice witch lady gave y/n a potion!" Chopper said with adorable enthusiasm.

Sanji just froze with a blank stare, Chopper panicked, and Luffy started poking Sanji.

Suddenly it clicked and Sanji quickly placed down the snacks on a nearby table and sped off to the kitchen.

===[edited^]=== ---

Sanji didn't talk to y/n much all day. He seemed... distant.

Evening came around and everyone was having fun on the beach. Robin was comfortably reading a book and laying on a beach towel beneath an umbrella, Nami yelling at Luffy, and the others were messing around with crabs.

"Sanji! Mind if I help?" Y/n walked up happily offering to help him cook the crabs like he always did.

Looking away Sanji held out a ready to be cooked crab and said nothing the entire time. The silence began to bother y/n a little bit.

"Are you alright?" He asked Sanji quietly to avoid drawing attention.

".....why?" Sanji asked looking down.

"Why what?" Y/n said confusedly.

"Why did you take the potion? I- never mind..." He said refusing to look up.

"What? What is it?" y/n stared at him.

"It's nothing." Sanji said glancing at him for second and turning away.

"It clearly isn't nothing."

"I-..."

"I what?!"

"You were better before this!"

"I can't BELIEVE you!" y/n yelled standing up and running off.

Sanji angrily focused on the crab and Luffy looked up at with a frown.

Luffy walked off after y/n.

---

Sobbing echoed from the cave as Luffy walked closer. His frown dropped further when he saw y/n curled in a weeping ball. He sat next to him and gently placed his hat onto his head.

Y/n calmed down a bit and leaned against him before he began to talk.

"Luffy, Sanji doesn't like me for who I am. I love him with everything I am. Why can't he just love me. Does it matter if I'm a woman or not? I want my best friend back. I'm still the same y/n aren't I?" y/n began to cry again.

Luffy looked down quietly for a moment.

"Y/n is y/n no matter what. He's wrong for being upset with you. You'll always be our y/n." Luffy said as he turned to him and smiled.

Y/n hugged Luffy tightly.

"Thank you...thank you so much, Luffy." He said slowly letting go, giving Luffy his hat back as well as a teary eyed smile.

They got up and walked into town, since Luffy agreed to let them stay the night in an inn. He gave Luffy a piece of paper with his room number and the symbol of the inn drawn on it in case they needed to find him. Y/n hugged Luffy once more before he headed back to the rest of the crew.

---

The had nearly set by the time Luffy returned.

"Luffy? Where's y/n?" Ussop and Nami asked when they noticed that he had returned alone.

"In town." he answered with a rare frown.

"What???! Why?!" Both of them yelled confused.

"He isn't coming back tonight." He said turning to Sanji, who was staring at the sand with his hair covering both his eyes.

Everyone turned to Sanji. They all heard what he said to y/n.

"Apologize to y/n." Luffy demanded looking at Sanji seriously.

"I agree. You weren't exactly pleasant to y/n today." Zoro said getting up and standing next to Luffy.

"Cruel more like it." Ussop stated glaring over his shoulder from where he sat.

"...Yeah." Chopper sadly mumbled next to Ussop.

"Captain's right." Robin said not looking up from her book.

"Not Suuuperrr." Franky said lacking passion.

"Horrible..." Nami whispered.

Luffy walked closer and held out the paper in front of Sanji.

"Go find him and apologize. He'll forgive you." Luffy said pushing the paper against him.

Sanji slowly stood up and grabbed the paper. He finally looked up with a hurt expression.

"Are you sure?" Sanji painfully asked holding in tears and gripping the paper.

"He's your best friend isn't he?" Luffy answered placing a hand onto his shoulder.

Sanji nodded.

"Then go." Luffy said smiling.

Immediately Sanji rushed towards town.

---

He desperately looked for the Symbol. One path to another, alley after alley, turn after turn, he was beginning to think he'd loose his precious friend.

Who am I kidding. He's not just my best friend. He's also my love. I was just confused by the change in gender. My feelings never left and I got frustrated and took it out on him. It doesn't matter, y/n is y/n. I need to see him. I have to. I can't loose him.

As he ran around the corner hope rushed back into him at the sight of the inn.

He quickly apologized to poor man at the desk for bothering him at such a late hour. He scoured the place for the number that marked the room of his love.

"13..." he whispered at the sight of it.

Softly he knocked on the door. Anxiety crawled up his back as his worst fear arose from the depths of his mind.

What if he doesn't forgive me? I'll never forgive myself if he leaves because of me.

The door opened and wild disheveled y/n appeared. They looked at him for a second... and closed the door.

He knocked again.

"Please, y/n. Please talk to me. At least listen." He pleaded.

The door opened again and Sanji walked in. Y/n closed the door behind him and turned towards Sanji silently.

Remorse and longing filled his heart from just seeing him. Sanji couldn't help but quickly pull y/n into a needy hug.

Tears soaked into y/n's shirt as he pulled him in as close as possible.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was frustrated with my own feelings and took it out on you. I was wrong. I was so wrong. I'm sorry. Please don't leave. Please, I love you. Don't leave me. You're my best friend and my love. Don't leave." His tears escaped rapidly and his breath grew unsteady.

His shaky hands grasped y/n's shirt.

Y/n wrapped his arms around Sanji and leaned into him. Tears began to escape from him as well.

"I forgive you. I'm sorry I yelled. I shouldn't have pushed you to tell me. I understand. I love you too and I'm not going anywhere. It's gonna be alright. C'mon, you can stay here with me tonight." Y/n whispered and gently led him to the bed.

Taking off his shoes and vest Sanji crawled under the sheets. Y/n turned the light off and crawled in too.

He pulled Sanji in close so his head rest upon his chest and began to run his hands through the messy blonde hair.

"Shhhhh, rest easy, my precious Prince." y/n whispered softly kissing his forehead.

"I will, my love." Sanji tiredly answered nuzzling further into his chest and placing a soft kiss onto his collar bone.

They slept better than ever before that night.

#ftm reader #sanji #sanji vinsmoke #black leg sanji #blackleg sanji #sanji x reader #vinsmoke sanji x reader #black leg sanji x reader #blackleg sanji x reader #one piece #onepiecexreader #one piece x reader

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firelxdykatara · 3 years

Note

You’re doing a LoK rewrite, correct? Would be really interested in hearing how you plan on fixing Suyin’s character and the Lin-Suyin conflict because……. oh boy. Man there’s a lot to unpack there. This is what happens when we don’t let Toph just raise her fucking kids for the sake of pushing a stupid as hell narrative about working women and single motherhood.

I am indeed!

In... you know, the way I'm doing most of my big potential projects, in that I have a folder with some documents that have plot notes and... some day I may actually get full, finished fics out of them (h2o AU is in there, as is my voltron!atla fusion AU, and uhhhh my book 3 atla rewrite, and a few other things), so... but I will say that the docs I have for my LoK rewrite so far amount to roughly 4.2k words of just Plot and Character Notes, which may some day turn into words of Story, hopefully.

ANYWAY, POINT IS: yes, this exists, and I have Many Many Thoughts.

Including how the Gaang kids would shake out! Cause I know I'm doing Zutara, and maybe Tokka???? Although I don't wanna just leave Suki out either... maybe a throuple??? Or Sukka having an amicable breakup before Sokka and Toph get together--maybe she already has Lin by then, and Sokka helps support her through the grief of losing Kanto???? Idk honestly, I haven't actually figured any of that out definitively yet except that Aang was perfectly happy to settle down with an Air Acolyte from one of the rebuilt temples because he grew up and out of his crush on Katara pretty easily once he hit puberty and matured a bit.

UHHH none of which is actually an answer to your question, because it's a valid one! Which is why I've been sitting on this a while (10 days I'm so sorry) bc I haven't made any solid decisions but I've been letting it percolate around my head a bit. And the more I think about it, the more I really like the Sukka -> Tokka idea (and I don't want to kill off Suki since the kids all deserve their awesome Kyoshi warrior auntie in their lives, and also I want a Sukka kid to be besties with Iara [zuko and katara's youngest] so maybe she gets with someone else after she and Sokka split? I could be talked into Ty Lee/Suki actually, the more I think about it....), but obviously having a stable father figure and a Toph who is... not what LoK made her out to be will dramatically change the Beifong family dynamic.

That said, I think I actually have a solution. (I'm so sorry for what I'm about to do.) Toph has Lin with Kanto--and he passes away when Lin is two or three, which is why she has very few memories of her father. (Although none of this 'she doesn't even know his name until she's 50+ cause Toph didn't tell her daughters about their fathers' bullshit.) Sokka is there for her through it all (all of the gaang is, of course, but you know that it sometimes just hits different when it's someone you're also starting to fall in love with, especially when there are older and much more deeply buried feelings there that are now resurfacing, because at least in my version Toph was deeply in love with Sokka when they were teenagers, but he was in love with Suki and she also loved Suki so she didn't want to mess up anything about their family or the group dynamics by making her feelings anyone else's problem), they fall in love, get married and have Suyin.

(Sokka may jokingly refer to it as a shotgun wedding, but the truth is he wanted to propose well before he found out she was pregnant, his attempts just kept getting messed up in increasingly comedic fashion.)

Throughout all of this, Republic City has been established, Sokka is Chancellor, Toph is something of a defacto police chief--mostly because, at the time, no one else was willing to volunteer, and she jokingly offered to whip the law enforcement, but unfortunately everyone else at the meeting took her seriously. However, she is also the founder of the probending league, and basically her feelings about law enforcement are complicated and she actively discouraged her kids from joining the force which is part of why Lin did. How else do you have a teen rebel phase with a parent like Toph? (Which, in this instance, means tough and firm but fair, with a 'you break it, it's up to you to fix it' attitude and very little desire to actually control her daughters and their behavior.)

Ah, but here's the rub.

Suyin is ten years old when Sokka dies, and Lin is sixteen. I'm not sure how he's killed--maybe by Yakone, to tie it into my plans for Amon and book 1. (Note that I'm not sure when the Yakone bloodbending trial happened in canon, but it doesn't matter. The timeline I'm gonna build will be completely different post-comet, and I'll eventually write it all down so that I can keep things straight.) Which would incidentally provide excellent means of having Katara have a very personal stake in the Amon conflict, and perhaps color the fight between him and Iara, but I'm getting off track. And I think Sokka being killed by Yakone, and Toph being unable to protect or save him, or deliver her own brand of justice to avenge him (because Aang is there to stop her and.... shit probably got ugly, I suspect she didn't talk to Aang for at least twenty years after Sokka's death--and this isn't to say I think Toph is particularly violent or murderous, but in that moment, she absolutely wanted to kill the man with her bare hands, and however much she may have regretted it afterwards, she took a very long time to forgive Aang for stopping her in the first place), is what results in Toph stepping down as police chief.

She didn't withdraw from her daughters or fuck off into the swamp or anything (words cannot express how much I hate that part of her canon history), but she did grieve for a very long time. Lin, meanwhile, felt like it was up to her to keep her family together, while also feeling a desperate need to... prove herself, I think. And because her mother was so adamant that she not join the police force, that's exactly what she does. I think Lin completely misread Toph's intentions, too, and believed that the discouragement was because her mother didn't think she had what it takes, when in reality I think Toph was scared of Lin losing herself in the job like she herself had begun to, and eventually coming up on something she couldn't change or fix and making the same mistakes she had.

(I think Toph and Lin have communication issues largely because they are both headstrong and willful, but where Toph thought she was giving her daughters the room they would need to make their own way, what Lin desperately craved was direction and she felt like that was something her mother simply couldn't understand.)

Suyin, on the other hand, fell in with a bad crowd like in canon. I think that what she desperately needed was attention, similar to Lin craving direction, and Toph was trying so hard not to be her own parents that she went a little too far in the other direction and Suyin began to feel like it didn't matter what she did, her mom wouldn't care, or get angry, or discipline her, or anything. Lin and Suyin butted heads a lot growing up, too, especially after Sokka's death, because Lin tried to rein in her sister's behavior and this was met with resistance and derision because Suyin felt like Lin was trying to be both mom and dad and she was neither but her big sister would never admit to being just as lost as she was and it made her furious.

So when Suyin is sixteen, and Lin is twenty-two and new to the force, The Big Rift happens. Lin catches Suyin and her gang, tries to apprehend her, gets a scar on her face in the ensuing conflict. But instead of abusing her power and sending her problem child off to her mother before fucking off to the swamp to avoid the consequences of her actions, Toph tries to actually fix things. Suyin cools her heels in prison for a while, because she was paralyzed by guilt at the time when she hurt her sister (a few inches lower and she could have slit her throat), and was still there when Lin's backup arrived.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh..... I'm so sorry I rambled for so long, BUT THE UPSHOT IS: I think Suyin learned a bit about culpability and taking responsibility for her own actions, Toph realized that her daughters had different needs than she did at their age (and I think a lot of the problem was that grief clouded her own ability to connect with her daughters, and in trying to not be her own parents she lost sight of how to be the parent her own daughters needed), and Lin, I think, had to realize that she had never fully processed the loss of not one but two fathers and had turned to her job in order to avoid actually confronting the grief that had overshadowed her childhood.

However, she did not forgive Suyin, at least not right away--and she wasn't forced or expected to. Suyin understood that she crossed a serious line, she took her lumps and did her time, and no one shamed Lin for her anger. I think, as a result, she had less reason to hold onto that bitterness, and perhaps by the time the story actually begins, she and Suyin are on much better terms, though I haven't worked it out exactly yet.

UHHH yeah I went on for days lmao. All of this is subject to change, too, depending on the needs of the story whenever I get around to actually writing it all down, BUT these are my initial thoughts, at least.

#atla #lin beifong #toph beifong #suyin beifong #tokka #lok rewrite #lok rewrite notes #precious-metal-girl #asked

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