#i am not only an history junkie or italian

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

Life Is Proud: Life Of Agony’s Mina Caputo: “I don’t like being called transgender or transsexual… I’m a beautiful human being”

Pioneering Life Of Agony singer Mina Caputo opens up about letting go of the past, spirituality, and the Pride movement during the third instalment of Kerrang!’s Life Is Proud campaign.

“You’re setting off landmines inside of me!” says Mina Caputo. We’re 35 minutes into a filmed interview which we are conducting as part of Kerrang!’s Life Is Proud campaign in celebration of Pride Month.

Our conversation thus far has embraced everything from the work of psychologist Carl Jung and his study of the dark side of the mind through to the disinformation of modern media, and on to the liberating impact of artists such as Robert Plant and Freddie Mercury.

The ​“landmines”, though, consist of a few questions about Mina’s remarkable career and her own journey to find herself. They do, indeed, trigger explosions – delivered with her customary frankness and forays into deeply emotional territory.

Mina’s story starts in Brooklyn where she was born in December 1973. At the age of one, she lost her mother to an overdose. Her father was also an addict – ​“I grew up pulling dope needles out of my dad’s arm,” she told Kerrang! last year – and when he OD’d she had to identify his body. Both moments, she says, armed her to face the real world, providing her with ​“spiritual juice” as she also began to seek solace in music.

Raised by her Italian-American grandparents in a brutally traditional atmosphere, Mina experienced a sense of gender dysphoria from a young age – something she carried with her when she formed alternative metal band, Life Of Agony, in her teens. Her sense of alienation increased as the band’s popularity grew and she continued to feel at odds with the bristling machismo, muscle-flexing and sheer violence within the East Coast scene.

“Life Of Agony were a very different band from the jump,” she says. ​“But that time taught me to protect my neck. It taught me how to be afraid of my own unique authenticity. The first five or 10 years of my career, we were abused. There were lots of comments, like I’m a gay junkie, because I looked differently and I sang differently. We were left out of scenes and we were left off bills. But I knew why: because were bad-ass and we rose to the top really, really fast. People didn’t like that. Other bands didn’t like that.”

For Mina, her quest to find herself had become a key issue which she had to address. In a conservative scene, her experimentation with her image and sense of sexual exploration came at a price.

“I started painting my fingernails and toenails with Jonathan [Davis] on a tour with Ozzy Osbourne and Korn [in 1996], and that was seen as rebellious!” she smiles. ​“And I started going onstage wearing a big women’s fur coat and getting so much shit for just being different – and for being someone unlike the scene had ever really seen. I was a trendsetter, a physical trendsetter. And being in that scene, it was horrifying.”

Things came to a head following the release of Soul Searching Sun, Life Of Agony’s third album, in 1997, when Mina finally decided her only option was to leave the band. Against all odds, LOA would reform in 2003 and continue to release a string of acclaimed albums, their story documented in the no-holds barred documentary The Sound Of Scars.

“I felt afraid, I felt like dying,” reflects Mina on the struggles she endured as she quit the band. ​“I felt like my cellular structure was continuously dying and I wasn’t alive or living, I wasn’t sharing my true self. I was definitely afraid. It took me to quit the band because I wasn’t being true to myself. I had to get away from my band, the label, everyone I worked with.”

A hugely varied solo career spanning over 10 albums and endless collaborations followed, but Mina still feels that history weighs heavily on her.

“No-one wants to let go of my past story. Every lame rock journalist starts of the article in the same way because there’s no more creative writing anymore. Everyone’s cutting and pasting. ​‘Mina Caputo – once Keith Caputo’,” she snorts.

“Everyone has to keep reintroducing the fact that I’m a freak, born anatomically a boy. No shit! I’m a different creature. I’m not trying to be a boy, or trying to fit into your dickhead masculine world! Nor am I trying to fit into the genetic female world. I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck about fitting into your marginalised soulless, fear-based spiritually bankrupt world. I’ve gone my own world, my own internal world. I’ve got my music. I’ve got small selection of friends. I’ve got my money. I’ve got my divine protection. I’ve got my studies. I’m not a stupid motherfucker! I study quantum physics! I study Hopi American prophecies! I study philosophy. I’m well-equipped for this fucking world!”

Mina’s bravery in the face of adversity remains inspirational. Experiencing the distrust of ​‘otherness’ during her childhood, she has battled against prejudice most of her adult life. And, yet, she admits that her decision to come out as transgender in 2011 was far from easy.

“It was very, very scary,” she reflects. ​“I didn’t tell a lot of people until my body started to change and I couldn’t hide it anymore. For the first year of hormone therapy, I kept it hidden.”

She is also honest enough to admit that, even a decade on, she still suffers from moments of self-doubt.

“It’s not like, ​‘I’ve arrived! I’m fucking whole!’” Mina says, triggering another explosion. ​“I battle with things every day. Some days I think about going back to living as a guy. The pressure of the world, of politics, of the garbage surrounding me – if I let it get to me, I can get sick. My immunity will collapse if I let the world fuck with my power and who I am. And it’s a good thing that I’ve been doing yoga for 30 years. I’ve been meditating for just as long. Thank the ancient gods and that I’ve downloaded the wisdom codes to give me the strength to carry on.”

Mina’s self-preservation and spirituality is evident in most of her interviews, and yet her quest has also contributed to her ongoing sense of frustration with the world she sees around her.

“I think I am a gentle and considerate human being and I believe in true equality. I want everyone to be in love with their lives and the planet itself,” she nods. ​“That’s what life is about, but there are people and organisations that try and get in the way of that so I get frustrated and angry about that.

“Society, the political paradigm, all of it – it’s one big farce, one big façade! It’s very inorganic and anti-life. I don’t care if you’re Democratic or Republican, nobody is leading with love. Nobody!” she continues. ​“Even in Britain. Your policies around trans people – and it’s the same in America – they’re trying so very fucking hard to continuously disempower the human species!”

The idea of codification is something that Mina frowns upon, so how does she view the Pride movement as a whole?

“Pride is a very ego-driven ideology and I work really hard to cut the strings of my ego,” she explains. ​“Pride means different things to different people. The LGBTQ community wants love from the outside world, but I think the LGBTQ community needs to start loving on one another. We’re never going to get respect from the rest of the world if you don’t do that. You have gay guys constantly coming down on trans girls, you’ve got trans girls coming down on trans girls, you’ve got a new fucking word every day and you can’t say this or you can’t say that.

“If Pride gives people a feeling of wholeness, then it’s a good thing. I know it makes a lot of people happy. But you’ve got to create your own circle in a sense rather than be defined by someone else’s narrative.”

Describing herself as ​“a lone wolf”, Mina concludes our conversation by pointing out her issues with the labels ascribed to individuals by society.

“I don’t like being called transgender, or transsexual, or trans-this or trans-that. I’m a beautiful human being. I’m a gender-creative child. I’m very different. I don’t subscribe to these one-dimensional ideas. My mind is too vast, my mind is like the Dao, you know? I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time and that’s what being genuine and authentic is all about,” she offers as one of her parting shots. ​“But if you’re asking me how I am? I’m full of love, full of harmony and thankfulness. What else do you want?”

#Mina Caputo #Life of Agony #2021 interviews #pride month

[a-very-fond-farewell]

The forbidden crack! Untamed prompts: 18/?

University AU: “Negative Space”

[ok so, self projection is a bitch, but I am petty to myself on a regular basis so it’s ok]

[title is from the Japanese concept “ma”, which Wikipedia describes as:

“a Japanese word which can be roughly translated as ‘gap’, ‘space’, ‘pause’ or ‘the space between two structural parts.’ In traditional Japanese arts and culture, ma is more carefully defined as the suggestion of an interval. It is best described as a consciousness of a sense of place, with the ‘intervals’ suggested often being more than simple gaps, instead focusing on the intention of a negative space in an art piece.

Ma is not necessarily an art concept created by compositional elements, such as the literal existence of a negative space. Instead, the intention is often to create the perception of an interval in the viewer experiencing the elements forming an art piece, making maless reliant on the existence of a gap, and more closely related to the perceived experience of a gap.

Ma has also been described as ‘an emptiness full of possibilities, like a promise yet to be fulfilled’, and as ‘the silence between the notes which make the music’.”

Fun fact: “ma” also means “but” in Italian, which is what usually follows whatever intrusive thought may plague my mind. Eg: “I may be useless now, BUT just you wait until I get some dopamine to get me through this shitty times.”]

*

Wei Ying never asked for much in his life. He’s content with cleaning classrooms and toilets and nobody can beat him at wiping the marble floors if he works hard enough. Granny Wen, his supervisor, is slightly impressed with his ability to make the wood shine for ages to come. His nephew Jin Ling sometimes comes to check on him when he’s done with senior classes or cram school in the evening, and together they sit down and listen to whatever his older friends in music production came up with during the day. Jiang Cheng occasionally would ask him to keep him company while he grades papers and they bitch about ZiXuan and his inability to dote on their sister. The cafeteria ladies are always nice to him and they give him extra congee because they worry for his questionable consumption of spice products.

He’s fine, really.

So why can’t he stop wandering over to the science building these days? Looking for a clean board to use, for an equation to finally solve? Even if in the end he just takes the chalk in hand and simply stares down at the inky surface in front of him, unable to write. His mind working on a software too advanced for the hardware that constitutes his brain.

Thirteen years. It has been already thirteen years and yet it feels like yesterday, or like it never happened at all. Like it has yet to be. Time blindness is a bitch to deal with, yet dyscalculia and ADHD makes a joke out of you when you love math on a visceral level... but you burned too bright too fast and now you function on no data and with an even shittier signal. Having a burnout at 23 should have taught him humility instead of pride, but Wei Ying has always worked out of spite and certain habits are difficult to forget.

Couldn’t put the number in the right order, switching digits left and right since he was young? Fine. Numbers were concepts anyway, entire civilizations working their magic without even knowing what “zero” stood for. A brain steaming with a million ideas per second? Good. New connections brimming with ideas he could use to better the world.

It worked fine until he let himself down. Until he became a useless empty lighter, a wet match tossed out, carbon monoxide in the air.

Dropped out before finishing his very ambitious, highly dangerous for his psyche, thesis project. Aunt Yu never forgave him for that, not after paying for his advanced classes, not after trusting Uncle Jiang and supporting him despite his many flaws. What good is being first of your class every year, poster child of a teaching system done right, graduating bachelor at 21, if you can’t finish your master at 23 and get your PhD at 25 and start teaching by 27 and drive yourself insane in the process?

Wei Ying dropped out and didn’t finish his master, didn’t enroll in the teaching program, and let everyone down. His Uncle and Aunt looking down on him, whether out of pity or shame. Jiang Cheng may have been the one leaving him behind, but he used to be the one saying “you should have tried harder”. YanLi worrying over him when she should have focused on her career first. Jin Ling growing up with stories of his uncle “not being worth the money put into his education”, taught to not disappoint and make his family proud. The Jin side, that is.

And now the kid comes crawling in defeat to him instead of Jiang Cheng after bombing a test in high school. And they chat of what he would like to do and how much he likes sports and how much he despises the idea of getting a scholarship for that and being called stupid or something by his classmates. And he cries when he thinks Wei Ying cannot see him as he leaves the campus late at night.

Wei Ying didn’t even want to solve that impossible theorem he fixated on in his early twenties. His thesis project was inconsequential in the great scheme of things and his professor only wanted him to be his one trick pony in the end. No. Wei Ying wanted to teach math in elementary school, hell... even in kindergarten. He wanted to change the approach to the subject. Because numbers cannot be taught like language is and there are many ways to teach how to sum up digits and divide quantities and there are no rules on how to make sense of space either.

But how can he teach when even time eludes his senses?

Something that nobody can define, but certainly most perceive as linear... but not him. Not since his brain fried up in his attempt to function like a normal human being.

After thirteen years nothing has changed.

Until one day he hears something else aside from his usual intrusive thoughts and burdensome memories. A melody so quiet he almost mistakes it for the wind, coming from the music building.

He walks slowly, night surrounding him like the embrace of a friend as he makes his way to the traditional musical instruments room. The one where Jin Ling’s friends meet sometimes as they wait for the younger boy to join them. Wei Ying holds his breath as he spies through the gap of the door left ajar, neon light slicing his face like moonbeams as he peeks in and recognizes Jin Ling’s friends and another figure sitting on the ground, guqin on their knees.

But before he can lean in and breathe in the vibrant sounds all around, the door opens and music theory Professor Lan finds Wei Ying clutching his mop for dear life.

They said the man could see colors within the notes, that he despises language outside of his class or office and that only his brother, the history of art TA, could convince him to talk every now and then.

If numbers were created to measure space, Wei Ying firmly believed music had been invented to make sense of time and count its seconds in rhythm and notes, pauses and beats. Yet, time seems to stretch to a stop as the janitor focuses all of his attention on professor Lan’s stern face and his heart quickens its pace.

Wei Ying takes a rushed breath and dives right in with a weird sense of hope pumping in his veins. A small, timid voice whispering that life is not made to be atoned, but to move on and grow.

One step at a time.

“I’m Wei Ying, Professor Lan. May I listen while you play?”

Yes, maybe it will be enough just to let time flow at its pace.

Whatever rhythm that may be.

*

[some hcs down below]

WWX does not magically solve the math theorem. he may or may not help kids figure out how to use numbers on the long run tho. no, he will still work as a janitor and there’s nothing wrong with that.

yes, LWJ is autistic and stimms and finds WWX’s honesty soothing. yes, you can add your hcs on the matter. he has synesthesia, but more on the grapheme-color side of the deal than anything else and he sees certain letters/numbers/notes in different colors. people think he can see colors in music, but they misunderstood and thought he could recognize different hues while listening to music instead of reading it.

JC has grown since his uni years and doesn’t resent WWX anymore. he teaches astrophysics as a TA and doesn’t pressure his brother to pick his studies up anymore. WWX has mixed feelings about this: he feels he’s a lost cause, to the point not even his brother spurs him to best himself anymore, but he is grateful for the patience anyway.

LXC is the official LWJ translator of the campus along with their cousins SiZhui and JinGyi. he bonds with WWX and JC over how tired they are, seldom staring at flies roaming above them in the cafeteria bc none of them can even move. he lives on caffeine and regrets, but he’s getting better as he develops a love for his plant babies and tries to not let them die on a daily basis.

Wen Ning and Wen Qing are little overachievers and adrenaline junkies, hence their competitive streak on their way to their third master degree just for funsies. they scare people with how driven they are, but the juniors love them.

NMJ is the one to go to if you need to get away with murder, but JGY will actually be the one helping you dispose of the body. the fact that they both work in criminal law is somewhat both reassuring and disquieting. they hate each other and yet cannot stop hang out, they are close to 40 and need the rivalry to keep going anyway. nothing beats a good nemesis. not even sex. maybe.

NHS has failed his entrance exam to become a nurse too many times to count, but he is determined to see the end of it. even if he could potentially work in the family business, but he doesn’t know anything about managing an empire of bricks and he doesn’t care. if NMJ could run away, well, so can he.

MianMian is Wei Ying’s bestie and has the biggest crush on JGY’s sister A-Su the kindergarten teacher, but since they are childhood besties she doesn’t know how to approach her. she is Jin Ling’s idol and a certified boxer and refers to herself as a useless bisexual. Wei Ying boxes with her sometimes, she always win.

YanLi is an equestrian mum, but in the best way possible: she coaches children for shows and teaches them horses should be loved and feared equally and that if you want to shoot arrows from a running horse you should always, ALWAYS let go of the stirrups the moment the beast gets too unhinged to ride. JC fears her, WWX is only glad she didn’t train police dogs for a living.

ZiXuan actually loves his wife, but WWX and JC question his career choices and the fact that he’s a retired lawyer spending his family fortune while he’s a stay-at-home dad and does all the housework. WWX and JC believe he should give their sister a better life and work his ass off to deserve her, but he does make amazing rice cakes and keeps up with Jin Ling’s studies and is very supportive of his dreams.

A-Qing and Song Lan are siblings and sometimes bring JC food from the campus cafeteria where they both work at, while Xiao XingChen and his carer Xue Yang work with LXC for a project on accessibility for visually impaired visitors of the local museum. JC and LXC work to make Song Lan and Xiao XingChen fall for each other, but the youngsters are too protective to let them play matchmaker so easily.

[this is all for now. please, if you want, add your own headcanons!]

#mdzs #cql #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #mdzs/au: modern #mdzs/au: uni #the forbidden crack! untamed prompts #nieyao #xicheng #wangxian

[arcadialedger]

As promised-- 100 things about admin

1. I am really, really short. 4′10 short.

2. Books are my favorite thing in the world-- I am a die hard bookworm, collect them endlessly, read about 3 a week.

3. I had spinal surgery for scoliosis and have Turner’s Syndrome, a chromosomal disorder

4. ASPIRING AUTHOR!

5. I’ve got big blue eyes 

6. Harry Potter is one of the most important things in my life, and literally my childhood. It is my heart, and it is home.

7. I have lived in 10 different houses, because my family loves to move

8. I am a double major in English and Film Studies, hoping to be both an author and work as a creative executive for Walt Disney Animation Studios, or in publishing

9. Boston is my favorite city in America

10. I am very, very Italian- Sicilian. Ciao. 

11. Overprotective cat mom, and crazy cat lady

12. I absolutely adore BBC/ PBS television, and anything British: including Victoria, Downton Abbey, Poldark, and more.

13. Astrological sign is Cancer (July 20th)

14. Lifelong Sherlock Holmes nerd. I adored Arthur Conan Doyle’s stories as a child and the friendship between Holmes and Watson is incredibly important to me.

15. Scholar and lover of all fairytales, folklore, myths, and legends.

16. Yo hablo español. ¿Alguien mas?

17. Language and linguistic studies fascinate me. I love both learning languages and language family trees. The story of history is written within them.

18. History buff and nerd.

19. Proud brunette who wishes she was ginger.

20. Youngest sibling of three girls.

21. I just realized I never said my name so hi, my name is Katie.

22. I am a die hard Whovian. Like, huge Doctor Who nerd.

23. INFJ, 4w3 personality. 

24. Alongside Harry Potter I grew up with Percy Jackson, which I love wholeheartedly to this day. The nostalgia I feel with that series-- man.

25. My best friend is @shadowqueendiangelo and I love her. We’re platonically married.

26. I love film history and learning about film techniques. 

27. Connoisseur of all period fashion.

28. I’m kind of obsessed with red lipstick.

29. Active member of the YA book community.

30. I’m a barista!

31. I am a barista because I love coffee and drink too much of it.

32. Only 19 but my mind is older.

33. Speaking of which, I am a theatre kid, and live for the stage.

34. I love Broadway and musicals.

35. Besides musicals/ Broadway, I was born and raised on country. I also love 80′s rock, and am an absolute classical nerd.

36. Beethoven and Tchaikovsky are my two favorite artists.

37. Shakespeare aficionado and lover.

38. Big Stranger Things fan and 80′s nostalgia junkie.

39. Would live in Victorian England if I could.

40. Proud Christian, of Catholic and Jewish ancestry. 

41. Very, very pale.

42. I practically live in preppy dresses and skirts.

43. Self proclaimed hobbit, and LoTR fan/ Tolkien scholar.

44. I suffer from severe OCD.

45. I play the piano.

46. I used to do archery, and was very good. I hope to take it up again.

47. Lifelong New Englander.

48. My favorite color is blue.

49. Huge HTTYD fan-- like, ridiculously obsessed.

50. Jane Eyre is my favorite classic outside of Sherlock Holmes, as well as the works of Austen, The Odyssey/ The Illiad, Little Women Frankenstein, Anne of Greene Gables, Beowulf, The Great Gatsby, and Alice in Wonderland.

51. I LOVE GAME OF THRONES AND A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE.

52. ^Arya Stark is my GIRL^

53. Obsessed with Queen Victoria because she was a short, stout, brunette blue eyes woman like me.

54. I long to travel abroad, and have serious wanderlust

55. I am absolutely obsessed with not only history but culture. I considered going into cultural studies for a long time.

56. Secretly a wannabe historian.

57. I collect coffee mugs.

58. For a Christian I am oddly obsessed with everything pagan and absolutely love Halloween/ Salem culture (us New Englanders have the best Halloweens!)

59. I’m a sketcher and a cartographer!

60. Had a childhood obsession with Pixie Hollow Fairies. Still kind of do.

61. I AM A HUGE DISNERD! I want to work for Disney, and am super passionate about not only their animation, but the history of the company and the parks.

62. I am very passionate about animation as a whole. I adore foreign animation, and anything highly stylized which stretches the reaches of the art form.

63. Guillermo del Torro’s Pan’s Labyrinth is my favorite film, and GdT is one of the all time favorite creators.

64. Avid reader and lover of Agatha Christie.

65. Art museums are one of my favorite places on the planet. They’re cathartic to me, and help my anxiety.

65. I absolutely love the solar system, constellations, astronomy, and astrology.

66. I have a deep connection with the ocean. It is home to me. Not only do I just love everything nautical, I love old maps, seafaring tools, ship wheels and ropes. I’ve been on SO many ship tours it’s ridiculous. The sound of the ocean waves and an endless horizon before me is pure magic.

67. There are few things I adore more than a starry night sky.

68. Other favorite shows not yet mentioned include A Series of Unfortunate Events (first the books then the series), The Umbrella Academy, Merlin, Lost, Reign, Firefly, Battlestar Galactica, Broadchurch and Vikings.

69. Star Wars and MCU fan.

70. I am starting to run out of ideas for this.

71. Middle grade was my golden age of reading, and middle grade books will always have a very special place in my heart.

72. I can best be described as passionate, stubborn, sassy, caring, and complex.

73. I have an incredibly aggressive and confrontational personality. I have been frequently called a chihuahua. 

74. I am half blind. My eyesight is awful, I need to update my glasses prescription yearly.

75. Right handed. Boring, I know.

76. I grew up playing soccer/ in a hardcore soccer family, and am now super passionate about fitness and working out. I work out 6 days a week and love it.

77. I love to sleep. Like, a lot.

78. I have to take Vitamin D supplements during the winter or I will pass out often.

79. Favorite foods include: pizza/ any Italian food, any seafood, eggs/ egg sandwiches, burgers, ribs, mac and cheese, dumplings, and grilled chicken. I also love anything corn (including corn bread and muffins), potatoes, and LOVE all fruit besides pineapple. 

80. Speaking of which, if you put pineapple on pizza my Italian ass will COME FOR YOU.

81. Ungodly introverted, but also very outgoing and social.

82. I continue to go my therapist mostly because of her dog and she is well aware of this.

83. I just really love animals in general.

84. Koalas are my favorite animal.

85. I tend to stick to canon shipping, and I kind of hate fan fiction. Nothing against it, I just find it stupid. 

86. One of my goals in life is to not only visit multiple countries on each continent, but to be at least trilingual.

87. I have crazy long eyelashes, and love to emphasize this with mascara. It’s one of the few features about myself I like.

88. Hopeless romantic who has never had a boyfriend and dreams of falling in love/ having a fairytale romance.

89. I have a stuffed Toothless gifted to me by my best friend-- I feel this is oddly important.

90. My favorite art form (as in literal art, drawing/ painting) is charcoals. 

91. I have always felt I would be good at knife throwing and have wanted to learn. 

92. Hermione Grander, Belle, Jane Eyre, Hiccup Haddock, Jo March, and Elizabeth Bennett are my heroes.

93. Nicknamed Angsty Yoda. (I really am an angsty Yoda).

94. I’m a big fan of ballets, operas, and arias. 

95. I love school. A lot. It’s kind of my element. 

96. My dream career (a writer) has stayed the same since I was 3 years old.

97. My favorite Disney animated film, is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I also love The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Tangled, Moana, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Mulan and Hercules.

98. Favorite musicals include: The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Wicked, Les Mis, Into the Woods, Rent, Once on This Island, Phantom of the Opera, Hamilton, The Sound of Music, Anastasia, Hadestown, Bandstand, Cinderella,  Singin’ in the Rain, Newsies, Finding Neverland, The King and I, Fiddler on the Roof, Miss Saigon, The Music Man, Beauty and the Beast, Something Rotten, Once, Jesus Christ Superstar, and Sweeney Todd.

99. I live for the deliciously dark and macabre (yet I hate horror?) Guillermo del Toro and Tim Burton are my favorite creators.

100. Friendship is the greatest love in my life, and what I firmly believe to be the most beautiful, raw, powerful, unconditional love in this world.

#tales of arcadia #guillermo del toro #netflix #admin post #admin #admin speaks #about me #learn about me #getting to know me #100 followers #100 facts about me #100 facts about admin #commanding daylight

[ariainstars]

Hungry Hearts - a Study in Codependency

Hungry Hearts is a film that confused me on first view. I watched it a few days ago, mostly because I am a fan of the Star Wars sequel saga but had never seen the protagonist, Adam Driver, in another role.

The funny thing is that on awakening the day after watching the film, I came to a conclusion quite different from most comments I had read online.

Watching “Hungry Hearts” was difficult for me because it contained a lot of triggers on a personal basis; but more about that below.

The story is essentially a thriller, about a man despairing when he has to find out that his wife has a distorted personality which threatens the life of their son.

The film concentrates very much on Mina, the female protagonist: she is the first person we see and she dominates most scenes, so she is who seems to be at the center of the story. But the conclusion I came to was that this is not Mina’s story, but Jude’s.

Jude’s characterization is that of a somewhat awkward and insecure person to say the least. He meets Mina in the bathroom of a restaurant where they both accidentally get stuck due to a jammed door; Jude suffers from diarrhea right then and this is the very first experience they share.

Honestly, who hooks up after an experience like that? I suppose anybody would be terribly embarrassed, not turned on. But in the very next scene we already see Jude and Mina in bed, asleep after a sexual encounter and gracelessly apart from one another.

Mina, who comes from Italy, then learns that her job requires her to travel back home. Jude, unwilling to let her go, seduces her and comes inside of her although she begs him not to. When Mina learns that she is pregnant, he proposes to her.

At the marriage party Jude sings an Italian love song for Mina, which is endearing to everybody but the bride, who looks embarrassed. Despite the fact that Jude learned the Italian text of the song for her (he had previously confessed that he does not speak the language), this scene foreshadows that Jude knows next to nothing about Mina: the song he sings is in Neapolitan, while her Italian accent indicates that her origins are elsewhere. (Alba Rohrwachter, the actress, is from Florence.)

During the marriage party Mina also gets to know Jude’s mother, whom, as she tells Mina, he purposely avoids, which is odd since she seems a nice enough person.

Mina, we learn as the story goes on, is not only a vegan but has very distinct ideas about physical and spiritual health. A psychic tells her that she is carrying an “indigo child”, i.e. a child that will have extraordinary paranormal capacities. The young woman is adamant to give birth at home, and when she does not manage, she has to be brought to the hospital where the child is born through Cesarean section.

In the following months, Mina obsesses about her seemingly “special” child. She hardly leaves the house, ignores the many calls from friends and acquaintances, stuffs every angle of the house with cloth and cushions, and feeds the baby (whose name, ironically, we never learn) with special food made from vegetables she grows herself, additionally to a special “cleansing oil” which is supposed to be particularly nourishing.

Jude grows increasingly frustrated and worried, and at the first occasion when Mina is not in the house, he takes his son to a pediatrist who confirms him that the child is not growing properly. Jude starts to feed the baby with a more nourishing diet. As Mina finds out about this, the conflicts between him and his wife intensify; Mina accuses her husband of not “trusting her”, while she is adamant that being the mother, she knows best what is good for the baby. Jude then starts to feed the baby secretly.

After a while, Jude’s mother Anne learns about the situation. We learn she was not present during pregnancy and birth, that she saw her grandchild only when he is already a few months old, and that her son does not want her to enter his house. He says to her that things are normal, that Mina is just going through a “phase” and that he and he alone will take care of his family. But as things deteriorate, he has to spirit the baby away to Anne to save him from Mina. His wife, distrusting both husband and mother-in-law, gets the child back by force and takes legal action to get the child’s father off her back.

The story ends in tragedy: Jude learns that Mina is dead. His mother shot her in her sleep, convinced that it was the only possibility to save her grandson. Jude is left alone and traumatized, but at least he has his son back in his care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As odd as the story may seem, I am by now convinced that it’s not about crazy alternative health methods, bad motherhood or an unhappy marriage, but the story of a man with strong codependency issues.

The critical look in the mirror already suggests that Jude is not exactly happy with himself. He looks somewhat odd, and he is a timid, oversensitive man. He hooks up with a young woman he hardly knows only because a ridiculous circumstance forced him to share a conversation with her. When he learns she has to leave him, it does not occur to him to simply propose to her: he impregnates her first to raise the stakes that she will say yes.

The sad thing is that we see repeatedly that Jude is, at heart, an affectionate and caring person. He wishes for someone he can love and take care of; he denies Mina’s mental condition as long as he can, until the danger for their son becomes too obvious.

As he brings his child to the doctor, he carries it on his chest the way a woman would, visibly taking over the role Mina is unable to cope with; the child obviously brings out his caring and nurturing side, while Mina makes her motherhood all about herself.

It is difficult to say what Mina’s problem is; her mother is dead and she has no connection to her father. At their wedding, she is practically alone among Jude’s friends. The thought that her child is or will be something special becomes obsessive with her. And Jude is not strong enough to accept how weird and even insane the whole situation has become; he believes they will manage together and does not realize that he and Mina have nothing in common but their baby.

That his mother Anne in the end simply kills of his wife seems absurd, but I believe it to be the key scene: Jude’s own mother is, in my eyes, a disturbed person. Jude obviously does not know about personality disorders, but he must have had a reason for not wanting to include his own mother into their lives.

To me, Jude is obviously a codependent person; insecure, naïve, but essentially harmless. He wants nothing but a normal, healthy life with a family of his own, but his history with his mother made him choose (as is often the case) a partner with similar issues.  Mina is not a drunkard or junkie, but codependency mostly bonds the dependent person to someone like that; it is possible that Anne is an ex alcoholic, which would explain her son’s rejection of her. Mina does not eat meat, which may have made him suppose that she avoids all kinds of toxic substances; but an avoiding attitude, too, can border on insanity if the person pursues this course at all costs.

Hungry Hearts was triggering for me because I know what it means to grow up and be forced to live with a person with a personality disorder and developing copedendency: the denial, the lack of self-esteem, the strong attachment to someone even after only a short personal contact, the pretense that “everything is normal, this is just a phase”, the hope that the other will “recover”, the desperate desire for normalcy are things I know all too well. Personality disorder is a subject by far too little known publicly, disturbing and hard to diagnose.

Social assumptions go like this: a mother loves her child and knows what’s best for it. A man is inclined to violence and never “gets” his own children. Love will see it through.

Hungry Hearts takes these prejudices and turns them upside down: we see a mother who almost lets her child starve, a father desperate for its safety and yet willing to be patient and let her have her own way as far as possible; and as for love, how much can these two have loved one another when they hardly were acquainted? Jude wanted a family of his own, perhaps he was scared (or had enough) of being alone, so he grasped his first opportunity. He might have learned to love his wife truly during marriage, but with a disturbed person, he hardly had a chance. Jude remains torn between wife and child until his own mother, ironically, relieves him from his torment, but replacing it with another: he is now a young widower whose mother is convicted for murder.

This is my own interpretation and of course it’s hugely personal due to my own story. Most people do not know about personality disorders, and they may grow up with or know such people for years, maybe decades, never understanding what is going on, putting up with “compromises”, making excuses for them and bearing their abusive behavior with patience, only making things get worse and worse. Indulgence and forbearance from others are the last things disturbed persons need, having no understanding of their own self and no healthy social skills, basically living only in their own heads. I never found whether there is a possibility to cure them, but from own experience I can only say that trusting them even to the least degree leads nowhere except to further abuse by them.

Jude is right when he says to his mother that he and his child are all Mina has, but still that does not justify her toxic behavior. Anne, too, plays with fire: she knows she has her highly disturbed, vegan-living, nourishment-obsessed daughter-in-law in the house, and she cooks meat right before her eyes; she calls Mina insane only a few days before killing the young woman. We learn then that Anne is aware that she was not a good mother to her son and that freeing him of his mind-sick wife is, for her, a desperate measure trying to make amends, additionally to the only way she saw to save her grandson. She hints that she had hoped her son had “forgiven her”, which could further emphasize her awareness of her failure as a mother - as I already assumed, perhaps due to an addiction.

A personality disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis which is much more serious and dangerous than PSTD, a personal crisis, a bout of depression or something similar; it roots deep in the person’s psyche and poisons their own life as well as that of the people around them. An incisive experience like married life and or motherhood can trigger this personal weakness additionally, because the disturbed person is additionally stressed and, having the personal maturity of a child, is subconsciously aware of not being capable to handle the situation. Disturbed persons can seem normal and even quite nice in everyday life, but the more stressful and extreme a situation, the more their weakness and detachment from reality become evident. Childishly determined not only to make the best of their lives but to live them to some extreme, in a way that is wholly their own, they are the least likely to accept that something is wrong with them. Hence my interpretation of Mina’s, and also Anne’s, idea of what they believed was “the best” for the child.

On first view, Jude seems the bad guy, the perpetrator: he seduces Mina, practically pushes her into becoming his wife, lets his child be brought into the world through section against her will, yells at her and beats her once during a quarrel; in the end he separates mother from child, which from the point of view of any devoted mother would seem like the cruelest thing anyone could do. But he does so in bright daylight, on his own, and he speaks to his wife telling her that it is only a temporary arrangement. Mina takes the boy away from his father with the aid of the police, in the middle of the night and never wasting a thought or a look for him: the officer shows him an official statement claiming he hit her and is thus unfitting to be a father. The physical evidence of the child’s small, starving body is obviously never officially checked: being the man, Jude is automatically seen as the bad guy and he has no chance to put up a fight.

But this is, essentially, the crux of the matter: a codependent person is not to be afraid of. Codependents are weak, insecure, and often come over as needy, but they are not treacherous or irresponsible. They sometimes seem angry without reason but the truth is that they are patient (or better: they were groomed by their abusers to bear their extreme behavior in patience) and people from the outside usually get to see their outbursts only when the last drop falls. Hardly anybody is aware of what went on before, because codependents are so used to denying the abuse and hiding it away. Jude is essentially a passive person, reacting instead of acting, surviving instead of living. His illusions of being a normal husband and father shatter before his eyes one by one.

One of the scenes I found most disturbing was Jude’s desperate attempt to get help from a social worker, who could only offer him that a mother must be exposed publicly to gain proof for her behavior, so that the child can be separated from her; but Jude knew well that he had little time and that his son’s life was at stake. The helplessness of an official social worker in such a situation is frightening, based on the social conviction that a mother should not be separated from her child unless in a very critical case, and even then, only with ample given proof. Again, the underlying assumption is that a mother “loves” her child and that a father pretending that she is harming it cannot be trusted. The social worker then suggests to Jude to bring the baby to his grandmother for his safety, but she also warns him that technically, this course of action would be kidnap. She does not even dare to speak about it to him in his office but does so in private, running after him in the street at the end of their interview. That Jude risks being called a kidnapper and entrusts his child to his estranged mother only accentuates his despair.

Now some may see me as a cruel person who cannot enter a mother’s sentiments, but I watched the film from the point of view of the child, and I can confirm to you from my experience that a disturbed mother can be threatening health, sanity and the very life of the creature for which she is responsible. The way Mina “lives for her child” may appear heart-wrenching, but it flat-out denies anybody else’s feelings - the father’s, the grandmother’s, even the child’s. Disturbed mothers “love” their children with a clinginess that is suffocating for them, reason being that they believe that at least of their own children they will never have to be afraid, since these are their “own”. They will painstakingly watch, suppress and fear any and every sign of independence from their children’s side as they grow; they mistake their children’s dependence on them for trust and, thus, love. Mina is dependent from her husband at the beginning of their marriage; making their relationship about the child’s dependence from her is perhaps her attempt to shift the dynamics, proving that she does not know love without dependence herself.

In this case, the baby mercifully at least never experiences psychical abuse because his mother dies before he is capable to think. Jude, too, due to his short acquaintance with Mina is spared the usual brainwashing and endless cycle of guilt-trips and condescension disturbed people usually torment their victims with, often gloating at their pain.

Superficially seen, “Hungry Hearts” may seem a drama, or thriller, working with bizarre elements. But from the point of view of an ex codependent (at least I hope I will never go there again!), who has known coexistence with personality disorder first-hand, it’s shockingly accurate and deeply disturbing in its intensity and realism.

The hearts of these four people are hungry for different things: Mina and Anne strive for control, while Jude and his son hunger for the chance to love and be loved. The child becomes the symbol of this, not needing the “special” food his mother gives him but what his father gives him, food that is plain but nurturing.

It is typical for a disturbed person to believe that “real love” must be something special, particularly fine and pure and above everything else, the answer to all questions and the balm to every wound (like the “pure” oil Mina insists on feeding her baby with); but love is everyday bread, necessary for life but also simple and common. With an almost brutal realism, we are confronted with the fact that Mina will never learn this truth, and possibly neither will Anne. Only Jude, who at times seemed to be the bad guy, and his innocent son have, in the end, a chance to learn together what normal life and love are.

Year of production: 2014

Country of production: Italy

Director: Saverio Costanzo

Starring: Adam Driver (Jude)                Alba Rohrwachter (Mina)                Roberta Maxwell (Anne)

#hungry hearts #adam driver #saverio costanzo #film analysis #codependency #mental issues #the indigo child #alba rohrwachter #personality disorder #narcissism

[gulgbtqplus]

Meet the Committee

We have 15 committee members who work together to run the society;

1. President: Chris, He/Him, [email protected]

Hey! I’m Chris and I’m your president this year! I’m a second year student studying English Lit & Sociology, and I’m really excited to do some wonderful things with the society this year, it’s definitely one of my favourite things about university. I’ll be your first port of call if you have any general enquiries, ideas or requests for the society, but feel free to email me if you want some advice or to chat or meet up before an event too! We try to make our society as accessible and welcoming as possible, but I know that attending an event for the first time can be scary, so it is always good to know a friendly face.

Outside of the society you can mainly find me watching terrible romcoms, looking after my plants and tweeting bad jokes. I’m pretty noticeable out and about on campus as i’m always wearing dungarees and eternally glittery so don’t be afraid to say hi! (I’m nice I promise)

2. VP Secretary: Kit, They/Them, [email protected]

Howdy, I’m Nadia and I’m the Secretary VP! I’m a second year Scottish Literature student but I’ve changed my degree so many times that I may be studying something completely different by the time you’re reading this (basically I’m mainly at university for GULGBTQ+). In my free time I’m usually crafting, watching movies, and maintaining meticulous power points on the pets of US presidents. If you have any queries about anything to do with the society or you just want a chat feel free to email or drop me a message on facebook.

3. VP Treasurer: Finn, They/Them, [email protected]

Hey I’m Finn, I use they/them pronouns and I’m vp treasurer! The society is the only reason I ever leave the house, but I do supposedly study English Lit & History of Art. I’m very excited to be back on committee this year and hope I can do my best to keep the society from being as broke as I am xx

4. Events: Rachel, She/Her, [email protected]

Hi everyone! I'm Rachel and I'm overly excited to be your Events Officer for this year. I study Theatre and Sociology and will be in my 4th year and writing my dissertation this coming year so please be kind to me. I have been a member of the Committee since my first year and I am overall just a huge gay. When I'm not being a queer activist you can find me at gigs, in charity shops, on the polo dance floor or drinking £3 wine. Let's be friends, feel free to add me on Facebook "Rachel Aitken" or drop me an email, I'm more than happy to meet up before an event if you're feeling nervous or want a gay clubbing partner in crime, I'm just back from studying abroad for a year in Australia so want to meet all the new faces I can! Also if you have any event suggestions pls hit me up xxx

5. Campaigns: Carlie, She/Her, [email protected]

Hello! I’m Carlie and I’m a second year student studying history and sociology. I can usually be found on the tenth floor of the library despairing about Tocqueville, but other than that I cross-stitch and try to keep all my house plants alive. Feel free to email me, or DM me on Twitter (@carliejas) about any campaigns you think we should support or just to give me gardening tips.

6. Welfare: Maddy, She/Her, [email protected]

Maddy, pronouns she/her I’m a second year med student and I’m 24 I like playing rugby and meeting people’s pets, and I am very excited to be welfare officer this year I’m very open to questions and suggestions so feel free to drop me an email or come find me crying in the library

7. Publicity: Sera, She/Her, [email protected]

Hi, my name is Sera, I’m 20, I’m very trans, and I’m the publicity officer. I am in 2nd year of a computer science degree and I am extremely online. My main interests are in tech and managing systems, as well as automation, and I do most of the behind-the-scenes work for the society that involves an internet connection

I run in a lot of hobby as well as LGBT circles and you’ll rarely find me off of social media, I have a twitter @seraxis and a discord Sera ♪#0573 where you can bother me as much as you’d like. I take ideas for social media campaigns and how to spread further awareness about LGBT issues around campus and through the society.

But most importantly: I never stop posting.

8. Women’s: Jemma, She/Her, [email protected]

Hey I'm Jemma, I'm a fourth year Virology student and I am really excited to be your women's officer for this year.  I love going to gigs, baking, creating memes that only about 4 people find funny and tweeting them, and most of all: the Boyd Orr. You be able find me at most main events as well as during Lesbian Coffee and Knit the Rainbow, the GULGBTQ+ crafting group that I’ll be running this year. This society has been very important to my time at university and I want others to have as good an experience as I did so if you want to chat or want to meet up before an event contact me via email. Hope we all have a gay old time this year!

9. Men’s: Quinn, He/Him, [email protected]

Hi, I’m Quinn and I’m your mens officer. I am going into my third year studying economic & social history and have been going to society events since I started uni although this is my first time on committee. I am here for all men, male-aligned and questioning members of the society. I spend most of my time trying to work, watching films and Netflix and I love spending time with new people – and dogs, dogs are great. If you have any queries, questions, ideas or concerns please feel free to contact me via email. I look forward to this being the best year yet!

10. Non-Binary: Niamh, They/Them, [email protected]

hi, I'm Niamh and I'm the nonbinary officer! I'm 19 and in second year studying psychology & neuroscience. I've been in the society for a year now and hope to help make next year even better. As nonbinary officer I want to make sure everyone feels welcomed, so feel free to drop me a message if you want to meet up before an event or just have a chat! Outside of being gay my hobbies include art, clown makeup, new wave, and kendo. I look forward to spending time with you all next year, let's make it a good'n!

11. Trans & Intersex: Noah, He/Him, [email protected]

What's up, I'm Noah, I'm your trans and intersex officer! I'm currently studying maths (rip me) and I’m in second year. My job as trans and intersex officer is to represent all things gender related! My hobbies include playing the drums & guitar, and doing my signature dance moves in polo. I am open and friendly so if you want a chat or need anything feel free to contact me. I look forward to working on committee and meeting lots of new cool people!!

12. Bi/Pan: Michael, They/Them, [email protected]

Hi, I'm Michael your bi/pan officer for the year. I'm 21 and a biochemistry student in third year. I know - queer people in science! I'm shocked too! I look forward to meeting everyone at

bi/pan coffee (the coolest coffees, as voted by me).

My hobbies include a love of musical theatre, sci-fi, drinking and making a fool of myself for my friends. If you'd like to talk to me about literally anything you can use email, Facebook or twitter or pretty much any other social media cause that's where is spend most of my life anyway.

13. International Students: Bianca, She/Her, [email protected]

Hi! I’m Bianca, and I’m the new international students’ officer! I’m a small, almost 19-year-old Italian who studies English Language and Linguistics & Theatre Studies. When I’m not crying about English phonetics, I’m probably binge-watching some (gay) show on Netflix, or getting more emotionally invested than I should in some (gay) book, while listening to the soundtrack of some (gay – but do I even need to say it?) musical. I’m a Gryffindor, I like horse riding, theatre and ice skating, and my one life aspiration is to one day ride a dragon. Or turn into a dragon and destroy my enemies. Either one works. I promise, I’m actually a nice and approachable person and I understand that moving to a new country can be overwhelming, so I’m ready to help you with whatever you need if you feel like you need advice on how to adapt to the terrible Scottish weather or you just want to chat about how un-comprehensible the Glaswegian accent is (trust me, we’ve all been there). Just send me an email! I’m also Italian, so I will probably gesture excitedly at you while we all get coffee together for the International Coffee that I’ll be running. I’m looking forward to meeting you all, and I hope you have a great (and gay) time in Glasgow!

14. Postgraduate & Mature Students: Prachi, She/Her, [email protected]

Hello everyone! I’m Prachi and I am the Postgraduate and Mature students officer this year. I represent the slightly older members of the society. I will mainly be running the postgrad and mature student coffees this year, which is a great way to meet new people in the LGBTQ+ community! I am currently doing a Masters in Cancer Sciences. Other than spending time on school and the society, I also enjoy videogames, movies (huge Disney junkie!), music and just generally chilling with people. If you’d like to contact me, you can find me on Facebook or just shoot me an email anytime. Looking forward to meeting everyone!

15. First Year Ordinary Member: Emily, She/Her, [email protected]

Hi! I'm your friendly local First Year Ordinary Member. My name is Emily and I'm a first year (surprise, surprise) Psychology student trying to work out my way around this strange Uni system. I enjoy drawing and painting, musical theatre, playing tabletop or video games, being a 'Mum friend', and making socially awkward jokes to hide when I'm nervous. I'll be spending this year joining all the societies that I've been told I HAVE to join in first year, trying to get on with the nine strangers I now live with, attempting to cook, clean and shop for myself, and also somehow keeping up with the work from three subjects which grade me in a way I've never seen before...

No pressure, right?

I hope you will join me in solidarity at First Year Coffee every other Tuesday and we can help each other navigate this strange new world of Glasgow University.

16. Asexual and Aromantic Officer: Summer, They/Them, [email protected]

Hi, I’m Summer and I’m your aro/ace officer for the year! I’m a 21 year old computer science student so you’ll frequently find me programming and going on about Linux. When I’m not doing that I’ll probably be knitting, playing video games, running/planning tabletop rpgs, or watching martial arts movies (or talking incessantly about any of the above)! As aro/ace officer I’m here for everyone who identifies as any variety of asexual and/or aromantic (a/grey/demi/etc), as well as anyone questioning anything at all related. Drop me a message if you want to chat, and I look forwards to a great year with you all!

#gulgbtq+ #2018/19 #meet the committee #committee

[talhaghafoor2019-blog]

An Introduction to Extratone: The World’s Fastest Music Genre « Bandcamp Daily

There’s a strong chance you don’t have many extratone records in your collection. An electronic genre that operates at a tempo of 1,000 beats per minute, and can sometimes hit the startling realms of 10,000 BPM, extratone is an acquired taste to say the least—and possibly just a smidgen out of your standard tempo comfort zone. But extratone is very much real; it has a story, history, and lineage in the extreme hardcore continuum. It has a community, a DIY punk-like ethos, and a singular aesthetic that sets it apart from other genres.

“Extratone is basically a form of extreme sound art,” explains a London-based artist and Slime City label owner who has identified himself as Rick. He operates under various aliases, like Zara Skumshot and Skat Injector. “It’s not about pounding kicks, but kicks so fast they have morphed into a tonal beast. They’ve mutated into a whole different animal. A natural process of evolution. It reminds me at times of such genres as harsh noise and HWN in places depending on production. The production of course is more varied and peppered with additional elements such as synths and sampling.”

The key word here is “tonal”: when kick drums are structured at such fast tempos (usually as quarter notes or 16ths), the pneumatic sledgehammer style of beats associated with most ultra-fast music genres no longer exist. Instead, it’s a buzzing textural, tonal trip. At its most uncompromised, extratone perplexes the senses (see the work of Gabberdoom). But there are many examples of more melodic elements within the genre (also see the work of The Quick Brown Fox). A long-standing tradition of any extreme form of music, the real essence of the style is found within the brutal balance of contrasts.

“That’s the thing with difficult music,” admits Neil LAR, founder of U.K.-based label Legs Akimbo Records, an imprint that wound down operations indefinitely on December 31, 2017. “It can be a very rewarding, but also a very harsh experience. You will find both extreme, ear-bleeding distortion and sublimely clean, intricate sound design within the extratone scene. It’s far more diverse than, say, the standard Frenchcore sound.”

“I see extratone as pure power/pure frequency that you clench in your fist, provocatively defying any hardcore audience you can imagine,” adds Riccardo Balli, artist and founder of Italian label Sonic Belligeranza. “It’s so hard that, in a way, it’s not hard anymore. Just like it is so fast that in the end it’s not fast anymore. I like this self-destructive component of this style, when beats get so fast you can’t detect them anymore, you experience, at the same time, aggressivity and chill.”

The earliest evidence of ultra-fast hardcore within dance music (grindcore notwithstanding), is almost always traced back to 1993 and Moby’s “Thousand,” a track that clocks in at 1,015 BPM and was anointed by the Guinness Book Of World Records as the fastest recorded production. Other examples include “Human 1000 BPM De Rebel Va Te Faire Enculer Rubik” by Explore Toi and “Killer Machinery” by DJ Dano, DJ Gizmo, Buzz Fuzz, and the Prophet (both released in 1994) but Balli describes these examples more as reactions to hardcore’s developmental state at the time, and not as the seeds of a new genre.

“These tunes were a hyperbolic acceleration reaching the ‘impossible’ threshold of 1,000 BPM,” he explains. “They are to be seen more as a sort of extravagant bonus track inside an EP than anything else. I can see them interpreted as moments of furious, extreme madness in a context, such us the hardcore one, that hails madness as its founding element.”

In the late ‘90s, the genre began coming into its own thanks to the work of Belgian artist DJ Einrich. In Balli’s recent book Frankenstein, Or The 8-Bit Prometheus, leading extratone artist Ralph Brown (given name Daniele Rossi) cites Einrich as the genre’s founding agitator, explaining how Einrich explored the use of oscillators to transform kick drums into actual notes, in octaves.

“By combining two German words, extrahieren (to extract) and tone (note), he came up with extratone,” Rossi explains. “A subgenre where BPM are so crammed that they almost appear like extra-dimensional. So Einrich turned his name into Einrich 3,600 BPM (the perfect number of BPM according to him) and started to release tracks via his own Immer Schneller Records.” It’s here where extratone’s conceptual and mathematical approach began to take shape.

But the greatest influence on extratone is speedcore. The most popular and expansive style of extreme hardcore music, speedcore has been at the center of all ultra-fast electronic music developments since the ‘90s. It has since spawned a cornucopia of sub-styles that includes the likes of splittercore (speedcore that exceeds 600 BPM and is under 1,000 BPM), flashcore (an experimental style of speedcore that doffs its cap to IDM), Frenchcore (a toughened, 200 BPM style of hardcore that emerged from France in the late ’90s), or terrorcore (an abrasive extension of the Dutch and Belgian hardcore mothergenre gabber). However, not all speedcore artists and fans accept or buy into extratone as a style in its own right.    

Riccardo Balli and Ralph Brown.

“I first came across extratone in about 2002/2003 when I used to frequent the Speedcore.ca forums run by the Canadian Speedcore Resistance,” explains Neil LAR who’s been involved in speedcore since the mid ‘90s. “It divided opinion even then, with people loving or hating it. Something I have become increasingly aware of is just how petty and childish people within the speedcore scene can be. Cliquey bullshit often involving grown-ass men—it is embarrassing, frankly.”

“The tl;dr is: shit got faster and didn’t stop getting faster,” says Emma Essex, aka The Quick Brown Fox, head of the label and studio Halley Labs. “A few styles really stuck—especially in Europe, where the speedcore is very macho, aggressive, and angry, and not a whole lot else. That’s one of the big stagnations, in my opinion—the concept that speedcore has to be angry or aggressive. It’s been shaken up by regional differences, but that old go-to of aggression is still extremely foundational.”

Yet in contrast to the angriness and aggression, a much stronger characteristic of extreme hardcore is its tongue-in-cheek sense of humor and its wry knowingness, whether it’s the provocative crudities of Aussie musician Passenger Of Shit and his label Shitwank Records, the playfulness of Legs Akimbo, or the daft concepts of Sonic Belligeranza.

“This is the way I personally see this super-hyper-mega fast sound,” explains Balli. “That fist-clenched-in-front-of-the-audience I was mentioning is thought to be very ironic, but also serious and ironic, and so on, in an endless game with the attendees.”

“I don’t take any of the shit too seriously,” says Neil LAR. “I could point you in the direction of others who live for this stuff, but I doubt they would even talk with you. I am probably ‘selling out’ in their eyes just by answering these questions. I have little time for that kind of attitude, frankly, and I am still certain I divided the Legs Akimbo fanbase by not giving a fuck, and releasing whatever I wanted.”

Those who do live for it are as inventive as they are committed. Essex says extratone’s creator base is rife with DIY styles, like mash-up extratone, minimal extratone, noise extratone, and “straight-up joke extratone.”   

“It’s something you can just up and make—that’s the entire point,” explains Essex. “The barrier of entry is practically non-existent. And people into weird music have a pretty immediate starting point in a style that requires little knowledge of anything. Because of that base level, you hear all kinds of weird musical decisions that somebody more ‘versed’ in composition or production might not even consider. I think that’s a great thing in any creative scene, it’s just that extratone gets a bad rap for being only that.”

Where extratone stands out within this wider collection of styles is its speed, as well as its textural and sometimes conceptual signature. A good example of this is Balli and Ralph Brown’s Tweet It! EP: In 2012, the Bologna artists realized the similarities between the data produced per second by Twitter (1.456.000) and digital audio (1.411.200), and created a 14-track EP consisting of tracks that are each one minute and 40 seconds in length. These run at 1,400 BPM, 140 Hz, and consist of 140 characters for every tune text. With such a strong conceptual approach, it could be argued that extratone leans heavily on the ideologies of sound art and experimentalism, but Balli disagrees.

“I agree working with tonal/textural audio opens a sort of algebraic and mathematical realm of sound, which I found stimulating as a producer,” says Balli. “However, I think this differs from, for example, sound art. Personally, I think the latter is mostly self-celebrating, and repeating cliches of a tradition—the avant-garde one. What is in the majority of cases considered ‘experimental music’ has got nothing truly experimental in it. Extratone could also be considered ‘drone-ish’ if you want to pigeonhole it in a more academic genre, but with a dynamic afflatus. The noise constituting its texture ain’t static. On the contrary, it’s thought to be, essentially, dance music. And this is what makes it interesting to my ears.”

Neil LAR agrees that extratone comes into its own on the dancefloor, and describes intense performances by acts such as Jensen, Skat Injector, Gridbug, DJ Mucus, Extratrolls, Licho, Hersenerosie, HateWire, Junkie Kut, and 10Jonk-T as “monumental experiences.” Balli is equally emphatic about the genre’s ability to create unique dancefloor encounters. While not strictly an extratone artist himself, he has his own unique performance technique that comprises cutting up pure tone records in a style he describes as “a hybrid, abstract turntablism no man’s land.” He believes the future of the genre is now in the hands of performers who debunk the standard laptop/Ableton combo applied by the majority of live across the entire electronic music spectrum.

“I can’t not mention my colleague Ralph Brown,” he grins. “His act is totally intense, 100% adrenaline, and he’s not using Ableton Live. When he plays, he has these serial killer eyes fixed on the screen. It’s a blast! At the same time, it’s both scary and hilarious.”

“For me, to seek a true extratone experience you have to witness it being performed live,” adds Skumshot. “It’s like walking onto another planet with a skull-crushingly intense atmosphere. A total sensory bombardment hits you like a ton of bricks as you’re shut into one hell of a brutally surreal trip. Proper Altered States shit. There’s times when you’re so blinded by lasers, and your ears are so full of ‘tone’ that you could be in some kind of glitched-out computer program. The searing note blasts, relentless lasers, strobes, and smoke combine to throttle you out of existence—in the best possible way.”

Even without hearing it, that very description of extratone can seem a little intimidating. But because it transcends any net-based ecosystem and survives as a performance style as well as a production style, extratone is very real, and is being pushed, explored, and developed by interesting and genuine artists.

“I think in extratone there’s a huge, underutilized, misunderstood toolkit hidden away which is simply based on exponentially faster kick drum sequencing,” says Essex. “It could really stand to be more deeply explored by people who might write it off as stupid and forget about it.”

You might not have many extratone records in your collection. But beyond the acquired taste, there’s definitely more to it to than meets the eye (and ear). Long may this continue.

-Dave Jenkins

This content was originally published here.

[keywestlou]

NO FEDELE TEMPERINI, NO ERNEST HEMINGWAY

Can you imagine life without Ernest Hemingway?

It almost was.

A recent Washington Post article by James McGrath Morris describes the event where Hemingway might have been lost forever. Not only the happening, but also the identity of the person who was Hemingway’s accidental savior.

World War I. Hemingway a Red Cross ambulance driver in Italy. The Italians and Austrians in a deadly battle on an Italian hill side. Hemingway and the Italians under heavy mortar fire from the Austrians.

Hemingway was standing outside his ambulance. An Italian soldier in front of him.

A mortar struck. The Italian soldier’s body took the brunt of the explosion. Killed instantly. Actually saved Hemingway from death. Hemingway did suffer serious wounds which hospitalized him for a period of time.

Who was the Italian soldier? In all likelihood, Hemingway probably never knew the soldier in front of him who in effect died while saving Hemingway’s life. No mention in any of Hemingway’s books as to the soldier or the scenario.

The Italian soldier’s identity was only recently discovered.

Eighteen Italian soldiers died on that hillside during the mortar attack. A study began in 2017 to determine if the Soldier standing in front of Hemingway could be identified. By process of elimination, the number was brought down to 3. The list finally narrowed to 1.

Fedele Temperini. Age 26.

This factual recounting caused me to think. Were it not for Temperini, there would have been A Farewell To Arms, The Sun Also Rises, For Whom The Bell Tolls, The Old Man And The Sea.

Nor the Sloppy Joe stories, the Hemingway House, and the Hemingway Look A like contests.

Nor Hemingway’s famous love affair with Agnes von Kurowsky which was the central theme in A Farewell To Arms.

Donna cooked last night! As usual, the perfect meal! Some type broiled chicken accompanied by a delicious sauce.

A great day for the ladies! Their annual Women’s March today. The Florida Keys Chapter of Women’s March Florida is taking place in Key West. The March will go down Duval to Mallory Square. Speakers at Mallory Square.

The ladies will be promoting LOVE, a feeling stronger than hate.

This afternoon at 2, Syracuse/Pitt. Apparently Syracuse’s victory over Duke last week failed to impress the odds makers. Syracuse a 9 point underdog.

Trump is screwing my afternoon up. He is addressing the nation at 3. In the middle of the Syracuse/Pitt game. Being the political junkie I am, I will switch channels to watch Trump. I hope he is not long winded.

Key West is the location of a significant Coast Guard Base. They constantly save lives and interdict drugs. Saviors and a first line of defense.

During the shutdown, the Coast Guard is required to work. Not being paid, however.

Things are getting tough. I saw on TV last night the wife of one federal employee out west who gave blood for $50 to help her family.

Disgraceful! Shameful!

Anyhow, Willie T’s on Duval is extending a helping hand. Until the shutdown is over, free lunches to Coast Guard members in uniform and their immediate families. Seven days a week till the shutdown is resolved.

Going back in history, on this day in 1959 the movie Operation Petticoat began filming in Key West. A comical submarine movie, it starred Cary Grant and Tony Curtis.

I recall watching the movie for the first time during my last semester in law school.

Key West a funky town. Great place to live or visit. Fun.

Drag Queens a feature tourists enjoy watching. They visit Key West’s drag emporiums in large numbers.

There is a side to drag queening that does not exist in Key West. However is gaining popularity in some parts of the world. So far on a legal basis.

Child drag queening.

At the outset let me say I consider the whole thing absolutely disgusting!

Queen Lactatee (real name Nemis Quinn Melancon Golden) is 10. A Canadian Drag Queen. Reportedly taking the world of drag by storm.

This 10 year old boy is described as “creative, curvy, and magical.”

His drag pictures and videos accompanied the internet articles concerning him. He is a beautiful appearing young lady.

Another young Drag Queen is Desmond Napoles. Ten also. Not as attractive as Queen Lactatee. However has the body moves.

Desmond says he “came out of the closet at 3.”

The word is the young are taking the world of drag by storm. The argument is made there is a sex wakening in children at an earlier age than previously thought.

All of which leaves me totally confused. Is pedophilia part of the popularity aspect?

Today, we have been made aware of transsexuals. Properly so. They make up 3 percent of the population. We have all read the articles about how such individuals became aware they were in the wrong body at an early age.

Also in the mix is that young children are motivated/directed by their parents. How much of this young drag queen scenario is in reality the misuse of children in order to make money?

There is another new fad out there. Young plasma treatments. Taking the blood of the young and transferring it into the bodies of older persons.

Whether a health aid or a way to combat aging, the concept is gaining in popularity. A medical school graduate founded the business. Named it Ambrosia. Ambrosia has offices in 5 cities: Los Angeles, Tampa, Omaha, Houston, and San Francisco.

Donors are ages 16-25. Patients receiving the blood transfers 30 or older. Patient base so far runs from 30 to 92.

Not cheap. One liter of blood costs $8,000. Two liters, $12,000.

I wonder how much the donors are paid? Has to be a pretty good buck.

Enjoy your day!

NO FEDELE TEMPERINI, NO ERNEST HEMINGWAY was originally published on Key West Lou

[aprofessorbhaer]

Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji Part 5

trigger warnings: anxiety, time period sexism, dead relatives,

Word Count: 1736

Part Five: Change

I awoke unusually early the next morning, considering I did it under my own power. Not keen to anger the master with possible tardiness, I got up and dressed without a reminder from Mey-Rin. She was not in our room, and when I went down to the kitchen, it was deserted as well. The fear that I had somehow overslept took ahold of me, and I quickly ate breakfast before venturing into the rest of the house.

The master had not yet called for his lesson, and I saw no one in the halls. I stopped to gather my thoughts for my next course of action.

“Mary?”

I spun around to see the young butler approaching me. “Yes, sir?”

“The master wishes to see you in his study.”

My stomach dropped with familiar dread. “Yes, sir.”

As we entered the room, I noticed that Mey-Rin, Finny, Baldroy, and Tanaka were all standing in front of a camera placed on the master’s desk. The master looked up and seemed to consider me before saying “Come and stand for a photograph, Mary.”

I was unsure what exactly that meant, but came forward. “Yes, my lord.”

The master disappeared under a black curtain attached to the contraption, and called out “Stand still for at least ten seconds.”

I obeyed. Once he came back from behind it, he commanded the other four servants to “Go and develop this photograph. Mary and I have business to discuss.” His employees scrambled to obey while he directed his attention to me. “Mary, just now I was telling Sebastian how I tire of hearing the violin, and wish to experience other instruments. Do you know what he said to me?”

I could feel a cold sweat on my skin. I couldn’t fathom where this discussion was going, but it didn’t seem good. “No, my lord.”

“He said that I knew someone who was proficient in another instrument, and if I so wished, I even had the opportunity to ask this person to teach me how to play as well. I, of course, assumed he meant you. Being a governess, you were likely trained in basic piano for the young ladies you taught. Such an instrument is hardly fit for the head of a household, which I told him. Do you know how he replied?”

I was starting to feel light-headed from nerves. “No, my lord.”

The master seemed to be enjoying himself. “He said, you were also a trained flutist! Now, I knew he must be mistaken, because even a servant girl must be aware that such a pursuit is only fit for men. So I asked him how he had come to know this. What do you think he answered?”

My hands were shaking again. I held them behind me. “I cannot say, my lord.”

The master stared hard at me. “He said, that I myself had seen you play. You had performed for us, at the dinner we held for that ignoramus Italian.” His eyes narrowed. “Would you care to explain how a young musician of the male persuasion and yourself could possibly be one in the same person?”

I cleared my throat for strength. “That day, I had been in the presence of Madame Red and Lady Elizabeth, my lord. For their entertainment, they sent me to your estate with a message to you from my lady.”

The master raised an eyebrow. “In male garb?”

I blushed. “My lady wished to be…diverted. I told her the story of how as a child I used to dress as my brother, and take his place. She…wished to see for herself, and Madame agreed.”

The master appeared unconvinced. “Indeed.” He was about to say more, when his door burst open. His servants had returned with the photograph he had taken of me. He looked at the picture, then held it out to me, asking “What do you see?”

I approached hesitantly. Taking the photograph, I said “I see myself my lord, and…” But I couldn’t finish my sentence. Behind the image of me stood a woman who possessed my dark, thick hair, pale skin, and tall frame, holding a baby in her arms.

The master looked at the people who had just entered the room. “Leave me and figure out how you will fulfill the job I assigned you.”

At the noise of their departure, I swallowed and looked up. “I see myself, my mother, and my brother, my lord.”

The master cocked his head. “Interesting. Did you know, Mary, that this photograph was taken by a camera that will show, in addition to the subject, the person dearest to them who is also deceased?”

“I did not, my lord. But that is a reasonable explanation.”

“Photographs of ghostly loved ones are reasonable to you, Mary?”

I looked again at the photograph. “I could not give you a better explanation, my lord.”

The master seemed unsatisfied, like my answer had been unexpected. “How did you take the place of a dead infant?” he asked bluntly.

For a few seconds I didn’t understand his question, but then I felt a pain in my heart when I realized. “My brother died at his birth, my lord, and the cost of birthing two babies at once in addition to the loss of one of them took my mother’s life. My father was very distraught. I realized, as I grew up, that I held a striking resemblance to my mother. This realization coincided with the discovery that my father had difficulty looking at me. I decided that if I was a boy instead, it might be better. So, I wore the clothes my father still bought sometimes, and he seemed happier. He called me by my brother’s name, and taught me what a firstborn would need to know.”

The master smirked. “So, you have a long history of crossdressing, do you?”

I looked down in shame. “Yes, my lord.”

“How did you come to have men’s clothes of your measurements for your recent performance?”

“I have not grown since the last time my father bought clothes for my brother, my lord.”

The master looked thoughtful. “I see. A madman, then.” He paused, then continued “Mary, you will teach me in your male clothing from now on. It will be much easier to explain away a male tutor than a female governess. If company should call, you will answer to…Martin. You will need to move your belongings to a new room, because you will now be living as a man. Tell the other servants that Mary has found a new job, and you, her brother Martin, will be taking her place. The fewer people who know the truth, the better. Go now, and return for my lesson.”

I could feel panic rise in my chest, but shoved it down to bow and say “Yes, my lord.” I left the room and returned to my own, packing my things. Luckily, I didn’t have much, and it all fit easily into the few worn suitcases I owned. I was just contemplating where I would put them while I underwent my transformation into ‘Martin’ when I heard a knock at the door. Opening it, I was faced with the young butler.

“I hazard to guess that you need a place to keep your belongings until you find your new room. Might I suggest keeping them in my chamber until further notice?”

I blushed at the favor, but could see no better alternative. “That would be very kind of you, sir.” I turned to retrieve my things, but somehow he was already carrying them. I hurried to follow him, apprehensive at the invasion of privacy I was about to commit, despite his permission.

When we had arrived at our destination, he put the trunks down and turned to me. “I would also imagine that you need a place to change into your new role. Feel free to use this room to do so now.”

I bowed. “You are too kind, sir.”

He smiled. “Not at all, my dear.” With that, he left, presumably to attend to his actual duties.

Once I had the room to myself, I sighed, sinking to sit on my sturdiest box. I would have to play my brother from now on. My dear departed brother. The role wasn’t a new one; I had played it most of my life, for my father. But at least that was a homage, in its own way. I did it to keep my brother alive, and my father smiling. Now, it would simply be a disguise, a blank mask.

I took a deep breath. Then I must make it more. I would live for the both of us; I knew how. It would be easy. Too easy. It may be easier than living only for myself. With that decided, I stood up, and began searching through my clothes. Everything was present; I’m sure I had Lady Elizabeth to thank for the inclusion of my male clothes. She likely felt it was the least she could do after her parents had released me from their service.

Once I had replaced my maid’s clothes for my suit, I cast around for something to tie my hair back, but nothing seemed appropriate. Glancing in the mirror cursorily, I decided I otherwise looked presentable.

I had opened the door and was turned to close it behind me when I heard “Good! You are ready.” Turning, I saw the young butler approaching. He stopped in front of me, smiling. “My master has renewed his request for his lesson.” His eyes traveled over me, taking in my new appearance. They stopped at my hair. Dipping his gloved hand into a suit pocket, he drew out a simple black ribbon.

Holding it out to me, he explained “I thought you might have need of this.” I reached out for it, but he withdrew his hand. “Allow me, miss.” With a gentle pressure on one of my shoulders, he turned me around. I felt him gather my hair up delicately, then bring the ribbon underneath and secure it. Turning me back to face him, he surveyed his work. Nodding, he seemed pleased. “Very good.”

I bowed lowly. “Thank you so much, sir. You think of everything.” Straightening, I saw that he was smiling again.

“Not at all, miss. I am merely one hell of a butler.” He then turned and disappeared.

Tagging: @all-american-anteater, @tayzbell, @nyadchild, @mael-strm, @my-pen-is-my-sword, @tridentsong,@simplyace,@ilovetardisblue,@beautifulword–shenanigans,@assemble-the-fangirls, @fandom-queer,@neon-blue-star, @aceofairships, @the-fuckening-sun,@band-freak-junkie,@icarewayyytoomuch, @tori-alexide, @onceuponatimealittlekid,@aceitup, @ishanijasmin, @lilaaaaaay, @yesshadycheesecake, @donmihalych, @music-means-life, @xerneasx95, @yourjustassaneasiamx

Let me know if you want to be added to or taken off the tag list :)

#anime #black butler #bb #kuroshitsuji #fanfiction #fanfic #fic #My writing #original character #oc

[new-aquinas]

oceans 2098 // reaper of the sunken places

sobriety reigns ridiculous; imagine stoned ape theory applied in more abstractly cognitive mechanics than neurochemical sense 

almost like the strong anthropic principle but instantiated within the brain’s neuronal structures

one may ponder the curiosity of having narcotic-processing neuroreceptors developed during our evolutionary history, before which we would not have been able to derive the same psychoactivity from the substances which affect us contemporarily 

lord have mercy for i am weak.

while in jail, a pale arabic-looking italian mdma chef with a fake irish passport (was named antonio but the guards would call him the most white mcfuck name whenever his lawyer was visiting, shit was wild) recommended finessing the facility nurses in such a way that you can get yourself on risperidone, slip the pills under your tongue every time the nurse asks you to show a clear mouth after inserting it into your mouth, and for 5 days during the morning pharmaceutical deliveries just stockpile the nice little phenethylamine-shaped mood regulator. take the 5 at once and its the same species as a molly roll. i tested the theory by giving them the name of a deceased doctor practise and while the nurses sent repeated information requests to the doctor’s place, i had my pick and choose of the lovely arsenal of shit that is offered on delivery from the prison’s pharmacy menu.

lord have mercy for i am still weak

the romping risperidone roll was almost horrifying and i quickly changed to amitryptiline (by the time i exited they still had not received word from the doctor’s place but the ami-induced lucid dreams began to deteriorate me so i stopped that too), which would give me absolute free reign of the darkest and most haunting, most aggravating parts of my psyche.

i can imagine the ancient egyptians or even the sumerians or even the architects of goblekli tepe all chewing psilocybin mushrooms back before they would fuck us out the way they do, but dimethyltryptamine’s endogenous perpetuity would make you question that. the egyptian’s worship of the scarab beatle is also quite thought-provoking, seeing as it is one of the limited and intrinsic (inherently thus significant) archetypes that can appear during the DeMeTrius dreamscapes.

lord have mercy on me for i am weak.

whatever liver damage that benzodiazepine abuse would do to me, and whatever cognitive damage that smelly cigarettes would cause, i am both thrilled at my finding of God and absolutely getting punished by the deteriorating ionic-plasma-spec magma that chronic insomnia is

the 2018 lag was me surfing the dreamscapes that so conveniently make themselves manipulatable and hospitable during the most sunken of places, the lag that i came out a few days ago was tortuous insomniac self-loathing destabilised by the deathmarch of general insomni

general winter stormed the chambers of cognition and the pores of the dermi much much early inside that cold piece of depraved cement and during one night of the embarassing bawling, i wrote a set of prayers out which ultimately had me released on bail within 48 hours. 20 minutes after i wrote the prayer i used pencil to notate the ideas that had flooded in, and i found out just today that my mother had asked the local priest to cast special prayer for those incarcerated.

and i am so far from blasphemous following the haunting life of arrogance that i have had, but its a shocking coincidence that my parents named me after the son of the Creator himself, and then i came out into fresh air at 8 fucking 30pm on the same calendar date as the supposed day that god’s son came out of his cave

good friday? in my language i believe it translates as quiet friday or humble friday. my god complex is removed and instead i have realistic understanding of everything so much more

normally i float on the keyboard with eloquence and synthesis that surprises even my previously-arrogant mindsets but i think this poor poor quality stream of consciousness might be any one of my subconscious or unconscious mental structures simply begging for assistance

insomnia and sobriety are eating me alive but i know that this cannot last forever; eventually being blurred will go back to being a celebratory mechanic and the chaotic ramblings of an un-sedated factory of thought will simply be delegated as the baseline level of psychoactivity

lord help me for i am weak; before the aquinas protocol became as twisted as the medici protocol i was able to find the light but it takes 28-90 days to break a habit (depending who you ask) and currently this feels like agonizing torture because the Blur still feels like Home

also my mother’s story of the priest’s son’s sudden aneurism really deeply haunts me, because many of my cold cellular 4am romps while in the sunken place were actually featuring cold cold cold questions paraphrased simply as “was i given a life of unregulated, no-ceiling hedonism simply to go to sleep and not wake up right at the bend in the pathway that is the drastic change in my life”

my brain is not working and i am in pain; does removing sedatives from a no-pain environment create pain because the pain threshold begins to function as a derivative of the chemicals anaesthetising me? and i just remembered that the situations which created the need for this bullshit Blur were definitely not no-pain environments.

lord help me for i am weak

HOW IS IT FAIR THAT I AM STUPIDER AND SLOWER WHEN SOBER? people have chatted much and accused me of the ugly smoke rocks; they were only ever touched and seen during the most demonic and depraved parts of my life. i would often tranquilize myself with the equivalent of overdose intakes and still function more mathematically than even the most boosted smack junkie

is it simply fucking willpower? lord help me for i am weak

at first i thought that the stoned ape theory is like the chicken or the egg, but now my cognition is completely failing and for the first time i do not have the intensity to finish or even impactfully structure this poor excuse for a stream of consciousness

i recently learned that admitting and notating weakness revolutionizes oneself like nothing else, so lord help me for i am so fucking weak

[fourseasonslodgenh]

Eye-Popping Fall Foliage in North Conway, NH

Eye Popping Fall Foliage in North Conway, NH

9/27/2019

North Conway, NH during Fall FoliageNorth Conway, NH has the BEST Fall Foliage in the Country!

Where is the BEST fall foliage in the country?  North Conway, NH of course!  

OK, that's my not so humble opinion but, North Conway, NH DOES have amazing fall foliage.  The fall foliage photos in the picture above were all taken in North Conway, NH by me (except the aerial train photo) in 2018.

I am a fall foliage junkie and am the lucky cowgirl that lives in North Conway, NH. I love to go horseback riding on the snowmobile trails to get photos that folks normally don't get to see.

The Kancamagus Highway,

Mt Washington Hotel

, and the

White Mountain Trail

are highlights of any fall foliage tour to North Conway, NH. ​Every year, I host groups of guests at Four Seasons Lodge that come to North Conway, NH to enjoy the foliage and all three photo op spots are minutes from the lodge.

There are spots to view fall foliage that you can get 360 degree views within a few minute's drive of Four Seasons Lodge in North Conway, NH or you can make a day of it and enjoy driving the "White Mountain Trail".

Fall Foliage along the Kancamagus Highway

The Kancamagus Highway (The Kanc) At It's Best - Fall Foliage

As a local, I'd advise anyone that wants to do some leaf peeping of fall foliage to add the Kancamagus Highway to your list of not-to-be-missed spots! Unless you like enjoying the

fall foliage

shoulder to shoulder with hoards of tourists, I recommend planning your foliage tour early or late in the day.

I have no idea how many folks converge on

North Conway, NH

during fall foliage but it's a LOT! I love to take pictures and the best time for photos is either early or late in the day which puts you behind the lens when there is the least amount of competition for snapping your photos from the perfect spot.

If you drive like me (the speed limit), the journey from Conway to Lincoln along Rt 112 (the Kancamagus Highway) will take you about an hour if you don't stop. You will pass some great photo op fall foliage stops and short hikes will take you to many more gorgeous spots.

The drive is 34.5 miles of foliage gorgeousness and take it from me, use a rest room at either end or you'll be sorry. Businesses have not pushed their way into the Kancamagus Highway (thank goodness) so you won't assaulted with restaurants, gas stations, gift shops, bars, or big box stores.  Yipeeee!  

What you will have at your disposal is scenic vistas for fall foliage viewing, benches to rest your weary legs, and well-worn hiking paths leading you to stunning vistas of fall foliage.

As it should be, the Kancamagus Highway has been designated as an American Scenic Byway. I've traveled all over this country and I have to say, it's in my top 5 scenic spots I've been seen.

​The Kancamagus Highway cuts through the

White Mountain National Forest

and provides you with breathtaking views of the White Mountains, Sabbady Falls, Lower Falls, Rocky Gorge and the Swift River.

You won't get a nose-bleed on this fall foliage trip because you'll only reach an elevation of 3,000 feet on the Kancamagus Pass near Lincoln, which is the highest point.

Even if it's raining, you will have a fantastic drive along the Kancamagus. Driving through mountain passes will sometimes reward you with peeks of sunlight to frame the perfect picture and the rain will bring out the smell of pine and woodland scents.

Before you read on, I'd like to educate you on how to spell and say "The Kancamagus Highway".   I've seen is spelled Kangamagus, Kangumangus, and Kancamangus and I've heard is pronounced a zillion different ways. Here's the skinny - it's Kancamagus Highway and it's pronounced "Kank-ah-mah-gus".  

There. Now you know.

Mt Washington Hotel - White Mountain TrailMt Washington Hotel - The Grande Dame of Fall Foliage

Mt Washington Hotel is the site of some of the most beautiful fall foliage pictures taken in NH! We've all seen them in magazines and on TV but have you seen the foliage at Mt Washington Hotel in person?

If you follow the White Mountain Trail, you'll be tooling right past the Mt Washington Hotel. There are a few great photo op spots within a mile; get a pic of the small chapel along the road (if it's open, go in, it's beautiful), there are two angles that make wonderful photos of the Mt Washington Hotel (you can see the Cog Railway if you look closely), and lastly, look to the left and get a great photo of Bretton Woods Ski Area.

The Mt Washington Hotel was finished in 1902 and cost almost 51 million dollars to construct.

Joseph Stickney

built the Mount Washington Hotel with the help of 250 Italian artisans and must have thought he was a bit off-center because at one point he said, "Look at me, gentlemen ... for I am the poor fool who built all this!"

Within a year of completing the Mt Washington Hotel, Joseph Stickney was dead.

His wife Carolyn summered at the hotel for the next decade and was known to be eccentric.

Urban legends of the White Mountains

has it that she haunts the hotel to this day.

North Conway, NH during Fall FoliageEpic Fall Foliage Views on the White Mountain Trail

​Everyone knows about the White Mountains but not many folks know about the "

White Mountain Trail

".

The White Mountain Trail is about 140 miles long, has several variations, passes through several scenic byways, and has boundless scenic vistas!

My favorite part of the White Mt Trail is the views. No matter which variation of the drive you take, you'll pass Mt Washington, Mt Washington Hotel, waterfalls, pass over the Appalachian Trail, 3 notches, 7 historic

covered bridges

,

waterfalls

and cascades, over 30 scenic overlooks and historic and restored buildings.Prepare to be confused - there are several variations of the Wt Mountain Trail. Take the path that interests you most and just have fun!

Start out in Conway, NH and turn onto Rt. 112 (Kancamagus Highway) which is 34 1/2 miles long, passes through the White Mountains National Forest, and some of the most gorgeous views you'll ever see.

The Kanc (as the locals call the Kancamagus Highway) dumps you into Lincoln, NH where you can head north (after checking out

Clarks Trading Post

) and head to

Franconia Notch State Park

.

Clarks Trading PostOnce you're in Lincoln, NH, you have options:

continue to Rt 3 and Twin Mountain

or continute on the Kanc through Kinsman Notch to Rt. 302 and Bath, Lisbon, Littleton, Bethlehem, Twin Mountain, and Bretton Woods (the Mt Washington Hotel is across the highway from Bretton Woods ski area)

Rt 302 continues through Crawford Notch. Have your cameras ready especially during fall foliage.

You'll end up in Bartlett where you can either drive down Bear Notch Road and back to the Kanc or join up with Rt 16 and follow it back to Conway, NH

If you choose Rt 16 in Glen, you will pass through Pinkham Notch, have the choice to stop at the Mt Washington Auto Road, and go to Gorham to check out the North Woods Ride.

Fall Foliage in North Conway, NHWhite Mountains Scenic Drives and Byways

The Kancamagus Highway (the Kanc) - Also known as Route 112, the Kanc runs from Conway, NH to Lincoln, NH, is a gorgeous part of the White Mountain Trail, passes through the White Mountain National Forest, is steeped in history and takes part in forest ecology projects at the Russell Colbath Historic Site.

Presidential Range Tour - Starting at Rt 116, it travels from Littleton (don't miss Chutters!) to Whitefield, Rt 3, Rt 2 E to Gorham, Rt 16 S to Glen, Rt 302 W to Littleton and passes by 4 NH state parks, scenic vistas, and historic and pretty villages and towns.

River Heritage Tour - Starting in North Woodstock at Rt 3, travel to Rt 175 and Warren and Piermont, Rt 10, Rt 135, and finishing up with Rt 112 to North Woodstock. You'll see some amazing views, rivers to play in, photographic farms and architecture.

White Mountain Trail - The White Mountains Trail is a circular loop that can start at the Kanc and heads counter clockwise to Rt 16 N to Rt 302 W, Rt 3 S to I-93 and the Franconia Notch Highway with views of Mt Washington, Mt Washington Hotel, mountains, scenic vistas, and passes over the historic Appalachian Trail.

If you have any questions about fall foliage or lodging in North Conway, NH, please feel free to reach out to me.

Teena

Four Seasons Lodge

31 Whiskiers Lane

North Conway, NH

[phone]

https:www.FourSeasonsLodge.com

[connorrenwick]

Friday Five with Michael Volk of Gensler

Los Angeles native, Michael Volk, was recently appointed Principal for Gensler’s Los Angeles office. Over 27 years of experience in design, leading, and executing architecture and urbanism projects in the U.S. and abroad have brought him to this point. An accomplished and award-winning architect and educator, today Michael shares a few of his favorite things in life in this week’s Friday Five.

I was born in Los Angeles, it is my city. And although we broke up once, our relationship reignited a few years ago, and if I do say so myself, now it’s quite hot. Because of this, it is impossible that my five favorites are anything but very L.A.-centric at the moment – how can one actually have only five favorites anyway? At the same time, I must confess that I am not too into materialism. I have evolved as a minimalist nomad who places great value on experiences. My list is slanted this way.

Photo by Craig Fineman

1. Pools by Craig Fineman This book is amazing to me in so many ways. Those of us who grew up in the 70’s as landlocked surfers in the San Fernando Valley will understand, we were skaters that skated to emulate surfing. There was a short period of time prior to the infancy of extreme skateboarding where ‘pure’ skating was a mirror of this desire. The moves, the style, the aspiration were all based on the smooth and continuous flow of late 70’s surfing. When we discovered skating empty pools – which there were many of in the Valley – it was a revelation. It was just a short window, maybe one summer even, while we innocently carved the pools quickly but gently, like frozen waves, sometimes barely touching the coping – this all before the intensity of extreme skating that would later follow. We felt like explorers, we knew this was new territory, yet had no idea where it would take us (until we saw the Dogtown Z-boys, probably just the next year). This book captures that moment, the feeling, the purity of that small window of time – so pure, barefoot even, surfing in empty pools. I can hear the sound of those early wheels on plaster. This book is gold.

Photo by Catherine Opie

2. Freeways I love the elegance, power, and systematic logic of freeways. They are majestic and they enthrall me. What will we use them for soon, our pyramids, when autos are outmoded, or too expensive to drive? Surely, they will outlast so many things. Perhaps soon they will finally become the ‘parkways’ they were once sold to us as, but now literally green belts, full of animals perhaps, connecting the dense city fabric as our only open space left. I will love them even more. Although I don’t personally own a piece from Catherine Opie’s remarkable series “Freeways” from 1994-95, they speak to my soul. Ms. Opie, if you are reading, can we talk?

Photo courtesy of NASA

3. Space Voyager 1 & 2/The Golden Record What is more remarkable than space? Than the unknown and all-explorable? Than that which literally encompasses all space and all time? That which surely contains other universes and life forms? The answer is simply nothing. I am a NASA junkie and a space exploration fan. What is more inspiring than Voyager 1 & 2? Maybe just the Golden Record placed on Voyager 2. This is one of my top favorite things. The Time Capsule of all civilizations (that we know of). And by the way, I am waiting and hoping for a Wes Anderson NASA-based movie soon, but I digress.

Photo by David Levin; 2019 Surfline/Wavetrack, Inc.

4. Malibu Pier and Surfrider Beach The perfect pier and the perfect wall: the Malibu Wall. Its history, vibe, the sea, low and high fidelity subcultures, sun, perfect waves – many more than five of my favorite things that I’ve listed. An early morning before daylight surf at first point on a longboard, or third point on a shortboard and a coffee on the wall afterwards is as sublime as a long hot summer day next to the lifeguard tower; my boards tucked under for shade.

5. Faema E61 S1 Legend Espresso Machine The only material item on my list of five favorites: the Faema E61 S1 Legend Espresso Machine – glorious. I am an espresso fanatic, an Italian espresso fanatic to be precise. I abhor the American craft coffee tendency towards fruity, sour, and thin espresso. Go away, please just go away. An authentic espresso is deep, dark, and rich with perfect crema crafted from perfect dark roasted beans and prepared on one’s very own Faema E61. Making one’s own espresso is an art. It is perfection.

via http://design-milk.com/

from WordPress https://connorrenwickblog.wordpress.com/2019/07/05/friday-five-with-michael-volk-of-gensler/

#Uncategorized

[clarencebfaber]

Intuitive Eating 101 5 Factors that Influence your Food Choices

Intuitive eating is the practice of eating (and listening) to what foods your body does and does not want, SUCH AS, eating when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full, or eating a salad one day, and a steak the next because it’s what your body wants—no judgment included.

How are you’re intuitive eating skills?

If you’ve struggled with Intuitive Eating or want to learn how to TRULY listen to your body, more than food rules, then read on to learn about Intuitive Eating 101: 5 Factors That Influence Your Food Choices.

INTUITIVE EATING GONE WRONG

Before we get to the 5 essentials to get started, let’s first establish where you are in your own intuitive eating skills.

Intuitive eating is easier said than done. While we are ALL born knowing how to listen to our bodies, there’s ALOT of confusing messages in this world that leave us disconnected!

Sometimes when we follow a specific dietary protocol or have food restrictions or food rules for health reasons—like healing your gut, intuitive eating gets tricky.Food rules replace intuitive eating, and dietary protocols trump our own ability to listen to our body and feed it foods it wants and needs.

A common (unspoken) phenomenon amongst individuals on a “gut healing” protocol or with specific dietary restrictions is called ARFID—Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder—limiting our food consumption based on fears that our gut OR body will feel worse when we reintroduce certain foods, or feeling guilty if we stray away from our dietary protocol.

Others get their identity wrapped up in what they CAN and CAN’T eat, as opposed to listening to how their body actually feels.

For instance: If you are Vegan, but often feeling bloated, tired and like your metabolism is SUPER SLOW, perhaps it’s because you’re not getting some aminos, B-Vitamins or zinc your body (and metabolism) needs. Or, perhaps you’re Keto, and super active and losing un-wanted weight, perhaps your body CAN handle more carbs—even white rice, or more fruit than you are giving it.

The result? A funky relationship with food!

No matter if you follow Keto, to GAPS, Paleo, Vegan, Specific Carbohydrate Diet, Autoimmune Protocol, Gluten-Free and beyond—it can be EASY to get disconnected with intuitive eating, feel super restricted OR develop unnecessary food fears and food rules when we let our food protocols or identities determine what we SHOULD and SHOULDN’T EAT.

What to do about it?!

First: Raise awareness to these 5 thing that influence your food choices then… “go with your gut” —trusting that you and your body know what you need to eat, more than any food rule or diet.

Intuitive Eating 101: 5 Factors That Influence Your Food Choices

Your Experiences. (History, culture and experiences with food)

Your Self-Identity & Food Beliefs. (Personal identity and beliefs about food)

Emotions & Mindset. How you feel emotionally and mentally about food)

Vitamin P (What you enjoy)

Health (What your body TRULY needs (nutrients) and what helps you feel best, no rules included)

If you are on a strict dietary protocol, and you neglect any one of these 5 areas, it’s no wonder intuitive eating is hard or you feel even MORE stressed over food and DISCONNECTED from your body!

Understand each of these 5 factors that influence your food choices, and intuitive eating is yours for the taking!

Intuitive Eating 101: 5 Factors that Influence Your Food Choices

Factor #1: Your Experiences

How have your experiences, cultural background or history with food shaped what you do and do not eat?

For example—the foods you ate growing up. There’s something nostalgic about mom’s homemade spaghetti or warming morning oats that, regardless of how “healthy” they are or not, can be comforting.

Was ice cream or chocolate a reward for straight A’s or good behavior? Chances are, they can still feel like a reward today.

Is your family Asian, Mexican or Spanish, Italian, Greek, or a meat-and-potatoes kinda family? How do the foods you ate within your culture influence what you enjoy today?

Perhaps you’ve had negative experiences with foods—severe bloating or constipation, food poisoning. I was force fed things like Pop-Tarts, Twinkies and Egg McMuffins in treatment, and I developed aversions to these foods and gut issues because of it.

Maybe you love travel—and part of the travel experience is eating and trying new foods in your destinations.

The bottom line: LOTS of experiences and contexts can influence what we eat.

Factor #2: Self Identity & Food Beliefs

What is your food philosophy or beliefs about what you SHOULD or SHOULDN’T eat? What shaped this philosophy?

Rules, protocols, nutrition advice and our own identity can shape our food philosophy greatly.

Food is self-expression—a form of identity. Like finding your identity in your punk style as a teen, our food choices and food beliefs are often reflections of who we believe are (our identity), as well as who we want to become.

For instance: In my struggle with healing my own gut issues, I identified myself as “struggling with a horrible gut,” so in turn who do you think I thought I was? And what do you think my food choices looked like?

As I continued to strongly see myself as “sick Lauryn with a bad gut,” I continued to struggle with food. I clung to AIP and GAPS protocols for years, believing those were the only foods I could “eat,” and at times, lost hope that change was possible. My own identity as “a girl with gut issues” caused me to strictly adhere to these protocols as the only way, and I often ate the same foods every day.

In my dieting days, my food beliefs about what was “healthy” came from fitness magazines and mainstream weight loss advice. In turn, I feared fats, obsessively counted calories, and restricted carbs.

Our identities and our food beliefs can change at different seasons throughout our lives.

Maybe you were an athlete growing up or a fitness buff today. As you identify yourself as an athlete, how do you, the athlete, use and view food? With an athlete mindset on, you may view food as your fuel to perform—regardless of what your gut feels like, you drink protein shakes, carb load, or take certain supplements in the name of running faster, jumping higher or lifting heavier.

Maybe you’re a girl who’s “struggled with weight your whole life,” you stay stuck—struggling with weight and food. You’ve “always been this way,” and likewise, you tend to struggle with food—looking for the “best” food rules to follow, obsessing over calories and macros, eating emotionally, or hating on your body.

Maybe you identify yourself as: “Paleo, Vegan, Vegetarian, or Keto.” These diets go FAR beyond just eating certain foods. They have an entire culture that can seep into your own beliefs about who you are, what you should care about and even who you hang out with.

Gender is another type of identity—Ever been on a dinner date with a guy you really liked? How did your gender influence your eating choices?

Research shows that when young males are around women, they tend to eat more. And, in the sorority house at lunchtime, when everyone else was picking salads to eat, what did you choose? You’d look like such a guy if you got the chili dog! Or at a sleepover, with your best girl friends, what did you do? Eat popcorn, pizza, and ice cream of course!

One more: Our personality type influences our food identity.  Are you an adrenaline junkie? If so, do you like to live on the edge with your food choices, or prefer stronger, spicier or more ethnic tastes? Or are you cautious and opt for simple, basic food choices, or familiar known foods?

The bottom line: Our identities and beliefs about food shape our food choices.

Factor #3: Emotions & Mindset

Emotions and our thought patterns are HUGE influencers over our food choices.

How does food become a “self-expression” or “identity marker” that reflects the tension and stress you feel inside?

Are you one who tends to eat more when things seem out of control, or the reverse, eat less or lose your appetite?

How is what you eat a reflection of how you feel about yourself or your current circumstances?  Does a breakup make you eat more chocolate, or a promotion at work inspire you to celebrate with a special dinner out on the town?

When you are bored, is food exciting? What do you turn to? A green salad or something like a handful of nuts or snack bar to keep things interesting?

When you are REALLY stressed—do you turn to food…or avoid food entirely, losing your appetite?

The bottom line: How we feel impacts how we eat.

Factor #4: Your Taste Preferences

Vitamin P! What you like to eat obviously influences your food choices or desires.

After all, taste is one of the main attributes we eat. Like good music to the ears, pretty scenery to the eyes, fresh flowers to the nose, good food to the tongue feels good.

When we neglect eating foods we enjoy, we easily fall into the diet mentality—and I am not just talking about weight loss. The diet mentality can also happen when we focus more on what we CAN’T HAVE than what we CAN have, and strictly feel enslaved to food rules or diet guidelines.

And we all know what the diet mentality does! Makes us want certain foods we “can’t have” or think about food more often then we’d like.

One of my favorite studies on the diet mentality os called the “Minnesota Starvation Experiment” and in it, more than 30 healthy men voluntarily ate a severely restricted diet. Ate the end of 6-months findings revealed that the men were more obsessed with food than ever—to the point of hoarding it, day dreaming about it, and experiencing increased interest in nutrition (3 became chefs and many obsessed over cookbooks). Upon re-feeding, the men also reported not being able to “get enough” when they ate, and many emotional, psychological and physical changes continued.

Couple this with stress alone from disliking our food, or hating on our bodies, and we have the perfect storm for gut distress and bacterial imbalances in our gut too.

The bottom line: Eat foods you enjoy with the ABUNDANCE mindset…thinking: what CAN I have? Instead of what CAN’T I have?!

ONE Caveat: Certain “pleasurable” foods—like potato chips, ice cream, Splenda, and greasy takeout pizza MAY be tasty, but they actually TRICK your brain into thinking you’re getting Vitamin P, when you are really getting additives that act like drugs to your body. Of course, 80/20 balance is ideal and it doesn’t mean NEVER EVER, but there IS  a difference in REAL Vitamin P from real foods you enjoy and “fake” Vitamin P from artificial foods. (Even more: Your gut bugs often crave foods you are intolerant to).

Above all: Within a scope of health, 80/20 balance (i.e. no perfection) with food is also essential. For instance: eating dark chocolate is totally acceptable, and sometimes, a little dirt never hurt either (such as drinking non-filtered water at a restaurant, or eating a food “off plan” that is served at a gathering, then getting back to your usual foods the majority of the time).

Factor #5: Your Health—What your body needs

Last but not least…finally health—eating for your body type based on deficiencies, sensitivities and basic health needs.

Sometimes we turn into “auto-pilot” mode when we eat to “be healthy,” such as eating chicken and broccoli, additive-filled protein powders, or salads for most meals.

However, IF we do not bring mindfulness for our health into the picture—considering the abundance of vitamins and minerals our body needs, as well as what foods truly make our gut feel well and incorporating variety—then are we really being “healthy?”

For instance, you may be Keto, but if you are experiencing sluggishness in your workouts or constipation…perhaps some soluble fiber like sweet potatoes or squashes could do your gut some good. Or perhaps you are AIP, but you actually can tolerate some egg yolks or the occasional macadamia nuts, even though the protocol says “you can’t,” what would it be like to trust your body instead?

As for balance, do you eat fish every night because it’s what you “should do?” even though your body is craving red meat one night? How about eating fresh herbs and fruits in season with your own body’s cues for these foods at certain types of year, or cooking a variety of different healthy options (not eating the same thing for every meal)?

If you aren’t considering what your body needs and wants for your unique HEALTH reasons, are we really eating healthy?

No wonder 99% of diets—even “healthy diets”— fail in the long run, as they train us to follow rules MORE than listen to our own bodies!

Your body was made to crave REAL FOODS—and a variety of them. Not the same things every day. After all, health is found in an abundance of different vitamins and minerals, not the same ones, and an abundance of different foods your body uniquely can tolerate (not rules about what it can tolerate).

Tune in.

The Bottom Line

Intuitive eating is a skill that you were born knowing how to do. It involves a blend of these 5 factors to truly listen to what your body is telling you, but the more you do, the less rules and dietary protocols are the “end all be all.” Food freedom is yours for the taking!

The post Intuitive Eating 101 – 5 Factors that Influence your Food Choices appeared first on Meet Dr. Lauryn.

Source/Repost=> https://drlauryn.com/food-freedom/intuitive-eating-101-5-factors-that-influence-your-food-choices/ ** Dr. Lauryn Lax __Nutrition. Therapy. Functional Medicine ** https://drlauryn.com/

Intuitive Eating 101 5 Factors that Influence your Food Choices via https://drlaurynlax.weebly.com/

#Clarence B. Faber #ClarenceFaber #Holistic #Nutrition #Therapy #Recovery #Functional #Medicine

[brian-cdates]

Intuitive Eating 101 – 5 Factors that Influence your Food Choices

Intuitive eating is the practice of eating (and listening) to what foods your body does and does not want, SUCH AS, eating when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full, or eating a salad one day, and a steak the next because it’s what your body wants—no judgment included.

How are you’re intuitive eating skills?

If you’ve struggled with Intuitive Eating or want to learn how to TRULY listen to your body, more than food rules, then read on to learn about Intuitive Eating 101: 5 Factors That Influence Your Food Choices.

INTUITIVE EATING GONE WRONG

Before we get to the 5 essentials to get started, let’s first establish where you are in your own intuitive eating skills.

Intuitive eating is easier said than done. While we are ALL born knowing how to listen to our bodies, there’s ALOT of confusing messages in this world that leave us disconnected!

Sometimes when we follow a specific dietary protocol or have food restrictions or food rules for health reasons—like healing your gut, intuitive eating gets tricky.Food rules replace intuitive eating, and dietary protocols trump our own ability to listen to our body and feed it foods it wants and needs.

A common (unspoken) phenomenon amongst individuals on a “gut healing” protocol or with specific dietary restrictions is called ARFID—Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder—limiting our food consumption based on fears that our gut OR body will feel worse when we reintroduce certain foods, or feeling guilty if we stray away from our dietary protocol.

Others get their identity wrapped up in what they CAN and CAN’T eat, as opposed to listening to how their body actually feels.

For instance: If you are Vegan, but often feeling bloated, tired and like your metabolism is SUPER SLOW, perhaps it’s because you’re not getting some aminos, B-Vitamins or zinc your body (and metabolism) needs. Or, perhaps you’re Keto, and super active and losing un-wanted weight, perhaps your body CAN handle more carbs—even white rice, or more fruit than you are giving it.

The result? A funky relationship with food!

No matter if you follow Keto, to GAPS, Paleo, Vegan, Specific Carbohydrate Diet, Autoimmune Protocol, Gluten-Free and beyond—it can be EASY to get disconnected with intuitive eating, feel super restricted OR develop unnecessary food fears and food rules when we let our food protocols or identities determine what we SHOULD and SHOULDN’T EAT.

What to do about it?!

First: Raise awareness to these 5 thing that influence your food choices then… “go with your gut” —trusting that you and your body know what you need to eat, more than any food rule or diet.

Intuitive Eating 101: 5 Factors That Influence Your Food Choices

Your Experiences. (History, culture and experiences with food)

Your Self-Identity & Food Beliefs. (Personal identity and beliefs about food)

Emotions & Mindset. How you feel emotionally and mentally about food)

Vitamin P (What you enjoy)

Health (What your body TRULY needs (nutrients) and what helps you feel best, no rules included)

If you are on a strict dietary protocol, and you neglect any one of these 5 areas, it’s no wonder intuitive eating is hard or you feel even MORE stressed over food and DISCONNECTED from your body!

Understand each of these 5 factors that influence your food choices, and intuitive eating is yours for the taking!

Intuitive Eating 101: 5 Factors that Influence Your Food Choices

Factor #1: Your Experiences

How have your experiences, cultural background or history with food shaped what you do and do not eat?

For example—the foods you ate growing up. There’s something nostalgic about mom’s homemade spaghetti or warming morning oats that, regardless of how “healthy” they are or not, can be comforting.

Was ice cream or chocolate a reward for straight A’s or good behavior? Chances are, they can still feel like a reward today.

Is your family Asian, Mexican or Spanish, Italian, Greek, or a meat-and-potatoes kinda family? How do the foods you ate within your culture influence what you enjoy today?

Perhaps you’ve had negative experiences with foods—severe bloating or constipation, food poisoning. I was force fed things like Pop-Tarts, Twinkies and Egg McMuffins in treatment, and I developed aversions to these foods and gut issues because of it.

Maybe you love travel—and part of the travel experience is eating and trying new foods in your destinations.

The bottom line: LOTS of experiences and contexts can influence what we eat.

Factor #2: Self Identity & Food Beliefs

What is your food philosophy or beliefs about what you SHOULD or SHOULDN’T eat? What shaped this philosophy?

Rules, protocols, nutrition advice and our own identity can shape our food philosophy greatly.

Food is self-expression—a form of identity. Like finding your identity in your punk style as a teen, our food choices and food beliefs are often reflections of who we believe are (our identity), as well as who we want to become.

For instance: In my struggle with healing my own gut issues, I identified myself as “struggling with a horrible gut,” so in turn who do you think I thought I was? And what do you think my food choices looked like?

As I continued to strongly see myself as “sick Lauryn with a bad gut,” I continued to struggle with food. I clung to AIP and GAPS protocols for years, believing those were the only foods I could “eat,” and at times, lost hope that change was possible. My own identity as “a girl with gut issues” caused me to strictly adhere to these protocols as the only way, and I often ate the same foods every day.

In my dieting days, my food beliefs about what was “healthy” came from fitness magazines and mainstream weight loss advice. In turn, I feared fats, obsessively counted calories, and restricted carbs.

Our identities and our food beliefs can change at different seasons throughout our lives.

Maybe you were an athlete growing up or a fitness buff today. As you identify yourself as an athlete, how do you, the athlete, use and view food? With an athlete mindset on, you may view food as your fuel to perform—regardless of what your gut feels like, you drink protein shakes, carb load, or take certain supplements in the name of running faster, jumping higher or lifting heavier.

Maybe you’re a girl who’s “struggled with weight your whole life,” you stay stuck—struggling with weight and food. You’ve “always been this way,” and likewise, you tend to struggle with food—looking for the “best” food rules to follow, obsessing over calories and macros, eating emotionally, or hating on your body.

Maybe you identify yourself as: “Paleo, Vegan, Vegetarian, or Keto.” These diets go FAR beyond just eating certain foods. They have an entire culture that can seep into your own beliefs about who you are, what you should care about and even who you hang out with.

Gender is another type of identity—Ever been on a dinner date with a guy you really liked? How did your gender influence your eating choices?

Research shows that when young males are around women, they tend to eat more. And, in the sorority house at lunchtime, when everyone else was picking salads to eat, what did you choose? You’d look like such a guy if you got the chili dog! Or at a sleepover, with your best girl friends, what did you do? Eat popcorn, pizza, and ice cream of course!

One more: Our personality type influences our food identity.  Are you an adrenaline junkie? If so, do you like to live on the edge with your food choices, or prefer stronger, spicier or more ethnic tastes? Or are you cautious and opt for simple, basic food choices, or familiar known foods?

The bottom line: Our identities and beliefs about food shape our food choices.

Factor #3: Emotions & Mindset

Emotions and our thought patterns are HUGE influencers over our food choices.

How does food become a “self-expression” or “identity marker” that reflects the tension and stress you feel inside?

Are you one who tends to eat more when things seem out of control, or the reverse, eat less or lose your appetite?

How is what you eat a reflection of how you feel about yourself or your current circumstances?  Does a breakup make you eat more chocolate, or a promotion at work inspire you to celebrate with a special dinner out on the town?

When you are bored, is food exciting? What do you turn to? A green salad or something like a handful of nuts or snack bar to keep things interesting?

When you are REALLY stressed—do you turn to food…or avoid food entirely, losing your appetite?

The bottom line: How we feel impacts how we eat.

Factor #4: Your Taste Preferences

Vitamin P! What you like to eat obviously influences your food choices or desires.

After all, taste is one of the main attributes we eat. Like good music to the ears, pretty scenery to the eyes, fresh flowers to the nose, good food to the tongue feels good.

When we neglect eating foods we enjoy, we easily fall into the diet mentality—and I am not just talking about weight loss. The diet mentality can also happen when we focus more on what we CAN’T HAVE than what we CAN have, and strictly feel enslaved to food rules or diet guidelines.

And we all know what the diet mentality does! Makes us want certain foods we “can’t have” or think about food more often then we’d like.

One of my favorite studies on the diet mentality os called the “Minnesota Starvation Experiment” and in it, more than 30 healthy men voluntarily ate a severely restricted diet. Ate the end of 6-months findings revealed that the men were more obsessed with food than ever—to the point of hoarding it, day dreaming about it, and experiencing increased interest in nutrition (3 became chefs and many obsessed over cookbooks). Upon re-feeding, the men also reported not being able to “get enough” when they ate, and many emotional, psychological and physical changes continued.

Couple this with stress alone from disliking our food, or hating on our bodies, and we have the perfect storm for gut distress and bacterial imbalances in our gut too.

The bottom line: Eat foods you enjoy with the ABUNDANCE mindset…thinking: what CAN I have? Instead of what CAN’T I have?!

ONE Caveat: Certain “pleasurable” foods—like potato chips, ice cream, Splenda, and greasy takeout pizza MAY be tasty, but they actually TRICK your brain into thinking you’re getting Vitamin P, when you are really getting additives that act like drugs to your body. Of course, 80/20 balance is ideal and it doesn’t mean NEVER EVER, but there IS  a difference in REAL Vitamin P from real foods you enjoy and “fake” Vitamin P from artificial foods. (Even more: Your gut bugs often crave foods you are intolerant to).

Above all: Within a scope of health, 80/20 balance (i.e. no perfection) with food is also essential. For instance: eating dark chocolate is totally acceptable, and sometimes, a little dirt never hurt either (such as drinking non-filtered water at a restaurant, or eating a food “off plan” that is served at a gathering, then getting back to your usual foods the majority of the time).

Factor #5: Your Health—What your body needs

Last but not least…finally health—eating for your body type based on deficiencies, sensitivities and basic health needs.

Sometimes we turn into “auto-pilot” mode when we eat to “be healthy,” such as eating chicken and broccoli, additive-filled protein powders, or salads for most meals.

However, IF we do not bring mindfulness for our health into the picture—considering the abundance of vitamins and minerals our body needs, as well as what foods truly make our gut feel well and incorporating variety—then are we really being “healthy?”

For instance, you may be Keto, but if you are experiencing sluggishness in your workouts or constipation…perhaps some soluble fiber like sweet potatoes or squashes could do your gut some good. Or perhaps you are AIP, but you actually can tolerate some egg yolks or the occasional macadamia nuts, even though the protocol says “you can’t,” what would it be like to trust your body instead?

As for balance, do you eat fish every night because it’s what you “should do?” even though your body is craving red meat one night? How about eating fresh herbs and fruits in season with your own body’s cues for these foods at certain types of year, or cooking a variety of different healthy options (not eating the same thing for every meal)?

If you aren’t considering what your body needs and wants for your unique HEALTH reasons, are we really eating healthy?

No wonder 99% of diets—even “healthy diets”— fail in the long run, as they train us to follow rules MORE than listen to our own bodies!

Your body was made to crave REAL FOODS—and a variety of them. Not the same things every day. After all, health is found in an abundance of different vitamins and minerals, not the same ones, and an abundance of different foods your body uniquely can tolerate (not rules about what it can tolerate).

Tune in.

The Bottom Line

Intuitive eating is a skill that you were born knowing how to do. It involves a blend of these 5 factors to truly listen to what your body is telling you, but the more you do, the less rules and dietary protocols are the “end all be all.” Food freedom is yours for the taking!

The post Intuitive Eating 101 – 5 Factors that Influence your Food Choices appeared first on Meet Dr. Lauryn.

Source/Repost=> https://drlauryn.com/food-freedom/intuitive-eating-101-5-factors-that-influence-your-food-choices/ ** Dr. Lauryn Lax __Nutrition. Therapy. Functional Medicine ** https://drlauryn.com/ Intuitive Eating 101 – 5 Factors that Influence your Food Choices via http://drlaurynlax.tumblr.com/

#Brian C. Dates #BrianDates #Holistic #Nutrition #Therapy #Recovery #Functional #Medicine

[drlaurynlax]

Intuitive Eating 101 – 5 Factors that Influence your Food Choices

Intuitive eating is the practice of eating (and listening) to what foods your body does and does not want, SUCH AS, eating when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full, or eating a salad one day, and a steak the next because it’s what your body wants—no judgment included.

How are you’re intuitive eating skills?

If you’ve struggled with Intuitive Eating or want to learn how to TRULY listen to your body, more than food rules, then read on to learn about Intuitive Eating 101: 5 Factors That Influence Your Food Choices.

INTUITIVE EATING GONE WRONG

Before we get to the 5 essentials to get started, let’s first establish where you are in your own intuitive eating skills.

Intuitive eating is easier said than done. While we are ALL born knowing how to listen to our bodies, there’s ALOT of confusing messages in this world that leave us disconnected!

Sometimes when we follow a specific dietary protocol or have food restrictions or food rules for health reasons—like healing your gut, intuitive eating gets tricky.Food rules replace intuitive eating, and dietary protocols trump our own ability to listen to our body and feed it foods it wants and needs.

A common (unspoken) phenomenon amongst individuals on a “gut healing” protocol or with specific dietary restrictions is called ARFID—Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder—limiting our food consumption based on fears that our gut OR body will feel worse when we reintroduce certain foods, or feeling guilty if we stray away from our dietary protocol.

Others get their identity wrapped up in what they CAN and CAN’T eat, as opposed to listening to how their body actually feels.

For instance: If you are Vegan, but often feeling bloated, tired and like your metabolism is SUPER SLOW, perhaps it’s because you’re not getting some aminos, B-Vitamins or zinc your body (and metabolism) needs. Or, perhaps you’re Keto, and super active and losing un-wanted weight, perhaps your body CAN handle more carbs—even white rice, or more fruit than you are giving it.

The result? A funky relationship with food!

No matter if you follow Keto, to GAPS, Paleo, Vegan, Specific Carbohydrate Diet, Autoimmune Protocol, Gluten-Free and beyond—it can be EASY to get disconnected with intuitive eating, feel super restricted OR develop unnecessary food fears and food rules when we let our food protocols or identities determine what we SHOULD and SHOULDN’T EAT.

What to do about it?!

First: Raise awareness to these 5 thing that influence your food choices then… “go with your gut” —trusting that you and your body know what you need to eat, more than any food rule or diet.

Intuitive Eating 101: 5 Factors That Influence Your Food Choices

Your Experiences. (History, culture and experiences with food)

Your Self-Identity & Food Beliefs. (Personal identity and beliefs about food)

Emotions & Mindset. How you feel emotionally and mentally about food)

Vitamin P (What you enjoy)

Health (What your body TRULY needs (nutrients) and what helps you feel best, no rules included)

If you are on a strict dietary protocol, and you neglect any one of these 5 areas, it’s no wonder intuitive eating is hard or you feel even MORE stressed over food and DISCONNECTED from your body!

Understand each of these 5 factors that influence your food choices, and intuitive eating is yours for the taking!

Intuitive Eating 101: 5 Factors that Influence Your Food Choices

Factor #1: Your Experiences

How have your experiences, cultural background or history with food shaped what you do and do not eat?

For example—the foods you ate growing up. There’s something nostalgic about mom’s homemade spaghetti or warming morning oats that, regardless of how “healthy” they are or not, can be comforting.

Was ice cream or chocolate a reward for straight A’s or good behavior? Chances are, they can still feel like a reward today.

Is your family Asian, Mexican or Spanish, Italian, Greek, or a meat-and-potatoes kinda family? How do the foods you ate within your culture influence what you enjoy today?

Perhaps you’ve had negative experiences with foods—severe bloating or constipation, food poisoning. I was force fed things like Pop-Tarts, Twinkies and Egg McMuffins in treatment, and I developed aversions to these foods and gut issues because of it.

Maybe you love travel—and part of the travel experience is eating and trying new foods in your destinations.

The bottom line: LOTS of experiences and contexts can influence what we eat.

Factor #2: Self Identity & Food Beliefs

What is your food philosophy or beliefs about what you SHOULD or SHOULDN’T eat? What shaped this philosophy?

Rules, protocols, nutrition advice and our own identity can shape our food philosophy greatly.

Food is self-expression—a form of identity. Like finding your identity in your punk style as a teen, our food choices and food beliefs are often reflections of who we believe are (our identity), as well as who we want to become.

For instance: In my struggle with healing my own gut issues, I identified myself as “struggling with a horrible gut,” so in turn who do you think I thought I was? And what do you think my food choices looked like?

As I continued to strongly see myself as “sick Lauryn with a bad gut,” I continued to struggle with food. I clung to AIP and GAPS protocols for years, believing those were the only foods I could “eat,” and at times, lost hope that change was possible. My own identity as “a girl with gut issues” caused me to strictly adhere to these protocols as the only way, and I often ate the same foods every day.

In my dieting days, my food beliefs about what was “healthy” came from fitness magazines and mainstream weight loss advice. In turn, I feared fats, obsessively counted calories, and restricted carbs.

Our identities and our food beliefs can change at different seasons throughout our lives.

Maybe you were an athlete growing up or a fitness buff today. As you identify yourself as an athlete, how do you, the athlete, use and view food? With an athlete mindset on, you may view food as your fuel to perform—regardless of what your gut feels like, you drink protein shakes, carb load, or take certain supplements in the name of running faster, jumping higher or lifting heavier.

Maybe you’re a girl who’s “struggled with weight your whole life,” you stay stuck—struggling with weight and food. You’ve “always been this way,” and likewise, you tend to struggle with food—looking for the “best” food rules to follow, obsessing over calories and macros, eating emotionally, or hating on your body.

Maybe you identify yourself as: “Paleo, Vegan, Vegetarian, or Keto.” These diets go FAR beyond just eating certain foods. They have an entire culture that can seep into your own beliefs about who you are, what you should care about and even who you hang out with.

Gender is another type of identity—Ever been on a dinner date with a guy you really liked? How did your gender influence your eating choices?

Research shows that when young males are around women, they tend to eat more. And, in the sorority house at lunchtime, when everyone else was picking salads to eat, what did you choose? You’d look like such a guy if you got the chili dog! Or at a sleepover, with your best girl friends, what did you do? Eat popcorn, pizza, and ice cream of course!

One more: Our personality type influences our food identity.  Are you an adrenaline junkie? If so, do you like to live on the edge with your food choices, or prefer stronger, spicier or more ethnic tastes? Or are you cautious and opt for simple, basic food choices, or familiar known foods?

The bottom line: Our identities and beliefs about food shape our food choices.

Factor #3: Emotions & Mindset

Emotions and our thought patterns are HUGE influencers over our food choices.

How does food become a “self-expression” or “identity marker” that reflects the tension and stress you feel inside?

Are you one who tends to eat more when things seem out of control, or the reverse, eat less or lose your appetite?

How is what you eat a reflection of how you feel about yourself or your current circumstances?  Does a breakup make you eat more chocolate, or a promotion at work inspire you to celebrate with a special dinner out on the town?

When you are bored, is food exciting? What do you turn to? A green salad or something like a handful of nuts or snack bar to keep things interesting?

When you are REALLY stressed—do you turn to food…or avoid food entirely, losing your appetite?

The bottom line: How we feel impacts how we eat.

Factor #4: Your Taste Preferences

Vitamin P! What you like to eat obviously influences your food choices or desires.

After all, taste is one of the main attributes we eat. Like good music to the ears, pretty scenery to the eyes, fresh flowers to the nose, good food to the tongue feels good.

When we neglect eating foods we enjoy, we easily fall into the diet mentality—and I am not just talking about weight loss. The diet mentality can also happen when we focus more on what we CAN’T HAVE than what we CAN have, and strictly feel enslaved to food rules or diet guidelines.

And we all know what the diet mentality does! Makes us want certain foods we “can’t have” or think about food more often then we’d like.

One of my favorite studies on the diet mentality os called the “Minnesota Starvation Experiment” and in it, more than 30 healthy men voluntarily ate a severely restricted diet. Ate the end of 6-months findings revealed that the men were more obsessed with food than ever—to the point of hoarding it, day dreaming about it, and experiencing increased interest in nutrition (3 became chefs and many obsessed over cookbooks). Upon re-feeding, the men also reported not being able to “get enough” when they ate, and many emotional, psychological and physical changes continued.

Couple this with stress alone from disliking our food, or hating on our bodies, and we have the perfect storm for gut distress and bacterial imbalances in our gut too.

The bottom line: Eat foods you enjoy with the ABUNDANCE mindset…thinking: what CAN I have? Instead of what CAN’T I have?!

ONE Caveat: Certain “pleasurable” foods—like potato chips, ice cream, Splenda, and greasy takeout pizza MAY be tasty, but they actually TRICK your brain into thinking you’re getting Vitamin P, when you are really getting additives that act like drugs to your body. Of course, 80/20 balance is ideal and it doesn’t mean NEVER EVER, but there IS  a difference in REAL Vitamin P from real foods you enjoy and “fake” Vitamin P from artificial foods. (Even more: Your gut bugs often crave foods you are intolerant to).

Above all: Within a scope of health, 80/20 balance (i.e. no perfection) with food is also essential. For instance: eating dark chocolate is totally acceptable, and sometimes, a little dirt never hurt either (such as drinking non-filtered water at a restaurant, or eating a food “off plan” that is served at a gathering, then getting back to your usual foods the majority of the time).

Factor #5: Your Health—What your body needs

Last but not least…finally health—eating for your body type based on deficiencies, sensitivities and basic health needs.

Sometimes we turn into “auto-pilot” mode when we eat to “be healthy,” such as eating chicken and broccoli, additive-filled protein powders, or salads for most meals.

However, IF we do not bring mindfulness for our health into the picture—considering the abundance of vitamins and minerals our body needs, as well as what foods truly make our gut feel well and incorporating variety—then are we really being “healthy?”

For instance, you may be Keto, but if you are experiencing sluggishness in your workouts or constipation…perhaps some soluble fiber like sweet potatoes or squashes could do your gut some good. Or perhaps you are AIP, but you actually can tolerate some egg yolks or the occasional macadamia nuts, even though the protocol says “you can’t,” what would it be like to trust your body instead?

As for balance, do you eat fish every night because it’s what you “should do?” even though your body is craving red meat one night? How about eating fresh herbs and fruits in season with your own body’s cues for these foods at certain types of year, or cooking a variety of different healthy options (not eating the same thing for every meal)?

If you aren’t considering what your body needs and wants for your unique HEALTH reasons, are we really eating healthy?

No wonder 99% of diets—even “healthy diets”— fail in the long run, as they train us to follow rules MORE than listen to our own bodies!

Your body was made to crave REAL FOODS—and a variety of them. Not the same things every day. After all, health is found in an abundance of different vitamins and minerals, not the same ones, and an abundance of different foods your body uniquely can tolerate (not rules about what it can tolerate).

Tune in.

The Bottom Line

Intuitive eating is a skill that you were born knowing how to do. It involves a blend of these 5 factors to truly listen to what your body is telling you, but the more you do, the less rules and dietary protocols are the “end all be all.” Food freedom is yours for the taking!

The post Intuitive Eating 101 – 5 Factors that Influence your Food Choices appeared first on Meet Dr. Lauryn.

Source/Repost=> https://drlauryn.com/food-freedom/intuitive-eating-101-5-factors-that-influence-your-food-choices/ ** Dr. Lauryn Lax __Nutrition. Therapy. Functional Medicine ** https://drlauryn.com/

#Holistic #Nutrition #Therapy #Recovery #Functional #Medicine #Dr. Lauryn Lax #Dr.Lauryn

[postapocalypse13]

Manifesting Destiny #49

Moon in Libra Rain, wind, I almost expect to see spectral faces briefly glaring against the windowpane. It is an intense season. More violins than percussion in the mix as I hear it tonight. The weeping oboe more than the screeching saxophone, strains of late night heavy blues on keyboard, and of course that bass fiddle, that deeply booming bass. Scorpio is a season I can feel gripping tingling through my guts. I think Nietzsche was a Scorpio -- all about that inheld power so intense that only the starkest expression will do. Scorpios look realer than real to me. It's as if they are fully three dimensional in a two dimensional world. Tom is so completely Scorpio. He thrills me with mere memory, the thought of his name. He is so very there, so intensely present. While I fly hither and yon, he is my staunch fixed point. He is the exhilaration of the wild storm and my secure harbor. Beauty and Beast, the fulfilled fairytale reveals me to be the enrapt child laughing and clapping in awe and enthrallment. Yet I have exiled myself from my soul's safe home. I am walking in the rain buffeted by angry winds and icy pellets, opening myself to helpless pain, even horror. How appropriate for the season of transformation through mortal trial. The snake of power coiled in my spine is not fooled by my blushing protestations. I have allowed myself to become an emotion junkie, leaping into the magnetic attraction of that which leaves me trembling but more alive. Thus am I Tom's equal and other self. We are a parrying of challenge and resolution, storm and harbor, at play. I am working on a birthday e-card poem to send him, looking through googled images, discovering a route to music through picture and words. It's all ultimately music. I feel it in my every movement, in all the ambient sounds and vibrations. Moving to the groove of the eternally mutating symphony, we could, if we were closely enough connected, dance ecstatically through it all. There are times when I feel that is exactly what I do. I have heard about people who believe sharing music can change and save the world. It does seem to be a basic value; but it can also divide us, like probably anything we can find to disagree on. How well will I get on with a friend who insists on a constant background of commercial country music or Italian opera, or any musical dialect I can't stand. Because I am so attuned to the vibrations, sound sequences I find unappetizing often give me actual symptoms of sickness, headaches at least. Yet there are plenty of otherwise seemingly fine people who actually prefer these to me horrid sequences of sound. I might reflect that I need to broaden my ear; but it's not just me. Music can be as divisive as any other means of expression. Souls are different. We are not all one. Or, if we are, it is a one of many disparate parts. Is there a music we can all agree on, all feel speaks within us, moves us to dance together, to join, joyfully, in song? Or are we divided by our separate drummers? We pagans dance around a sacred fire to bring our visions to magical fruition. People dance. People sing. People throughout the world, from earliest history, find ways to express musically. We must eat and eliminate the unacceptable of what we've eaten. We must breathe, in and out, the right mixture of elements. We must take in fluids and let excess fluids flow. We must find shelter from storms and predators and heat and cold. There are necessary conditions for the continuation of life as we know it. We seem to need music, an ethereal and ephemeral formulation. What else do we need to be healthy and whole that scientists have not unraveled? If humans are some amalgamation of animal and angel, or Earth spawn and alien, are there neglected necessities that keep us from our potential abilities? Is that why so many of us suffer and die early from illnesses that make no sense if we were engineered for survival? Is that why depression is rampant and anti-depressants so often exacerbate suicides? Something seems to be missing from a great many lives. Do creatures have analogous problems in the wild? If enough wilderness still exists to make that relevant, because such illness in wild creatures might well be due to encroaching civilization. When all that is left of the wild is an open zoo paid for by tourist dollars, what will have become of us? Or is that what we already are? I stroke the soft fur of my small, to me, feline companion, knowing we are both far from wild, yet atavistic enough to feel alive.

#metafiction serial witch modernday

[xenoblade]

“If only Piero had a tenth of his father’s worth...”

U MEAN PIERO DI LORENZO

RIGHT

#i am not only an history junkie or italian #i am ACTUALLY FROM THESE PLACES so y'know #◕‿◕ #lord sextor and rooftop sightseeing: the game