#i can love a future version of myself loud enough

[inkskinned]

it is all love.

sometimes you will see something saying what if it is all worth it or it gets better, doesn't it and in the little heart of you - you feel a darkness.

was it love, the way i was hurt? some things don't have a lesson in them. no silver lining. they were bad things, and they shouldn't have happened. i'm sorry they did. i am sorry they warp the space they hold in you. we tightrope walk around an ever-present grave. we carry that ache for so long it becomes smooth, overworn. i worry that i'll bore my therapist - despite all of my attempts, the pain persists the same, as sharp as it always was.

but it was all love.

every ugly moment after. every bad night. every time you drank too much and cried on the bathroom floor. every time you threw up from anxiety, every time you panicked in the grocery store. everything you ruined, and everything you walked away from.

some small part of you loved you enough. made you get up. made you wash your face and clean your teeth and call home. made you try again, even from the bottom. even when you were so tired of it; of restarting, of having to do-it-all-again. some part of you reached out. some part of you reached up. even there, in the bad spot - you somehow got up.

love will so rarely be big. it will so rarely be a moment like a dawn. love is shy, i think. she keeps her hands in front of her cheeks. she waits to peek out. and if you're not looking, she will look - normal.

but it will all be love. the way you pour yourself a glass of water. the little rabbit outside your window. your friend pushing your hair behind your ear. the way your dog greets you at the door. "put on a seatbelt". "text me when you get home safe". "oh, i started watching that show you love." "have you been okay?" "let's go for a walk" "whatcha doin?" "what should i make for dinner?"

oh, my life is so different these days. i don't have a partner. i call my friends a lot. i keep falling in love with the little tender moments; the glittering ones. you know, the bird in a puddle and the shush of a newly-lit candle. the movie-moments.

i am also learning to love the ugly. every moment i spent belly-flat to the floor, anxious and panting. every hour i stared at nothing, losing time to my adhd. every missed opportunity and bad memory. i am not doing well. i am spiralling.

but somewhere in there, while i am reduced to ashes. some part of me is an ever-burning ember. her little thankless job, her shy and croaking voice. she holds me to my body. she doesn't let me go. stay, she whispers. out of love. my love. wherever it goes.

some of the bad things that happened to me will always be bad. they did not make me a better person. they made me worse. i only learned what i can endure. and i did endure it. and love wasn't just the perfumed moments. love was just ... staying. while it's ugly and hard and horrible. love was just saying:

okay. i will keep trying. keep going. i owe it to the version of myself who brought me here. i owe it to my future. i owe it to the small loves i have found since - the music and the new recipes and the new books and the new hobbies. i owe it to myself to wait for the next best thing. this wall we have hit - love says keep walking. maybe one day we will find a door.

always, always: just one try more.

#spilled ink #poetry #warm up #does this make sense #like i think it's like.... #sometimes loving urself isn't being like ''i love myself'' #but instead. .. #''i am here. and im keeping myself here.'' #and i kind of feel like #i owe it to the past version of myself #who has tried SO hard #who loved me SO hard she kept going #so i can keep going for HER #who was so much closer to the Bad Things #who really had NOTHING #... if she made it #if I MADE IT #out of that #i can love a future version of myself loud enough #that i stay for HER #and for who we will be #someday! eventually!

[daycourtofficial]

Personal update below

Tw: pregnancy loss, miscarriage, blood

Here it is, the words I’ve been unable to type, much less say out loud. Late in the night a few nights ago, I woke up to some abdominal cramping and went to the bathroom. I had been bleeding vaginally all day, but not enough to be super concerned.

I woke up and went to the bathroom, and knew something was wrong. To spare the details, I was bleeding a lot, cramping severely, and I knew my baby was gone. I felt empty inside, despite only being about 7 or 8 weeks pregnant. Intuition, I suppose. I just felt so lonely, as if I wasn’t supposed to be the only occupant in my body.

My husband took me to the hospital and after hours of invasive poking, prodding, and testing, a nurse practitioner I will likely never see again, who will likely never think of me again, told me that my baby was gone. He was straight forward, which I like in medical personnel. He told me my pregnancy was unviable and that it’s common. That we shouldn’t worry. These things happen. It’s normal, common. The three or so minutes felt like an eternity, waiting for him to leave so I could fall apart in the privacy of my husband’s arms, despite the lack of privacy an emergency department offers.

The hospital was so sterile, the bright lights and lack of windows made it impossible for you to track the passage of time. The winding hallways a maze of monotony, making it impossible to know how to return to your room without a guide. The walls were devoid of any real color, save for tv screens and workplace posters. And yet, the room I was placed in was the only room with decorative curtains. All the other curtains were just a shade of navy.

Mine had flowers on it, as if the world or God or the hospital wanted to offer me some reprieve, some reminder that for the hospital, this was routine, but that it wasn’t routine for me. That I deserved something for my eyes to find comfort in.

So here it is, the new reality I find myself in. My baby is gone. The rare statement that, once it becomes true, will never change.

I’m reeling a bit from this loss, as you can imagine. I’m gutted. I got married right at the beginning of the year, falling pregnant not long after. I joked with my husband that I started the year off becoming a wife and was ending the year becoming a mom. I suppose it really was just a joke in the end, but I’m not sure if the punchline was me or my continued optimism, in spite all that I’ve endured.

Anyway, everyone was extraordinarily kind to me when I had posted that I was pregnant. I know that technically I don’t owe anyone details of my personal life, especially not this personal, but I wanted to share it because I don’t want to be sad and alone. And perhaps this will find its way to someone else who has felt some loss recently, whether it be the loss of someone or something, or a loss of self or identity, or a loss of the future you had planned out. Maybe they will feel some connection to this. Or maybe one day someone will think of this as they reel with their own loss.

I don’t regret sharing the news so early, despite the circumstances that have now led me to making this post. Any joy we can find is worth sharing, even if it’s fleeting, especially if it’s fleeting, and even if it’s for some stranger on the internet.

Anyway, I have my dogs and my husband, who are very loving. I’m not sure when I’ll post this, I’ll likely stick it in my queue somewhere so it feels less like I’m hitting the ‘post’ button and more like softly whispering all of this in the wind.

I will be okay, I always am. Grief is a black hole I am trying navigate and figure out where it ends and I begin, trying to remember what my new life will be like and how to grieve yet another version of myself lost to time and trauma and sadness.

There is no narrative device here, nothing I did could’ve changed the outcome. Sometimes the world is just needlessly cruel.

This doesn’t really affect anything on here or what I choose to interact with. I’m still okay discussing/reading/writing about babies and kids and everything in that realm. I just didn’t want anyone asking after the baby and making someone feel bad for wanting to know how I was doing.

Anyway, I don’t want to end this on a despairing note, even though that is the tune of my life at the moment. I want to remember that my now is not my forever, and I hope anyone reading this that is experiencing any manner of suffering takes as much out of that sentiment as I do.

Yours,

V ❤️

#personal note

[dyemelikeasunset]

Feeling a whole lot of emotions right now, but the good kind. I found Dom and Mor through a Tumblr poll about webcomics, and decided to read through it — as a gnc lesbian I loved seeing the characters and their relationship and your really cool artstyle. But when I got to one of your notes at the end of an instalment, where you wished everyone Eid Mubarak and said something like ‘we made it’, my heart felt like it stopped. Maybe it’s just because I’m not old enough to have moved out of my parent’s house and so never really had the chance to express myself without worrying about what my small town community will tell them, but… oh man, as you probably know, being Muslim and queer can be so isolating sometimes, since some people in both communities will think that those two parts of your identity contract themselves when they… don’t, of course. It makes me so indescribably happy to know that there is someone like me out there — who is celebrating Eid, has a wife, and creates beautiful art that showcases queer characters. I knew that logically there must be other queer Muslims out there, but I’d only ever heard of them in the context of them being imprisoned or shunned. It means so, so much to me that you chose to be open with all of this online, because it really makes me feel, in a way that not many other things can, that people like me do get to be happy, do get to be themselves… and it makes me believe that maybe one day I will have that too. Thank you, I guess, is what I’m trying to say, for showing me that I’m not alone. It really means a lot. Being open online can incite harassment, I def know, but thank you for choosing to do so. Of course you don’t do it for thanks, but it has really meant a lot to me, just to see someone else like me out there :). I hope that you’re having a blessed Ramadan and that you have a lovely Eid!

The reason I chose to be open about it online is pointedly because I have been in such a similar spot as you. When I was young, the isolation and existential loneliness was almost unbearable. Then as a young adult, most of the other queer Muslims I met were so entrenched in their own traumas that our bonds were mainly over our shared pain. As I've grown, I realized that yes, there comes a time to talk about being queer and muslim and how those things deserve a place in the world together, but more than that I want to be open, loud, and casual about who I am. So many other identities are allowed that normalcy-- I want to be that, and I can't bear to be quiet about it anymore

I'm happy my work and elements of my life were able to reach you. You're not alone-- and a casual, integrated, peaceful life as a queer muslim is absolutely possible. I hope you're able to find your version of that someday in the future

I hope the rest of Ramadan also treats you well!

#long post / #text heavy /

[lilith-little-world]

Hi, if you still do request I was thinking of a reader x swk or sem. The reader is a sort of time traveler (much like the guy from that movie the butterfly effect) in which she can posses her past selves bodies by looking at picture, video, or reading her diary from that current version of her. During those possessions of get past self her current self (who she posses has no memory of that time of being possed "blacks out") the whole reason for the diaries. She posses an old version of her after her body had previously been dying killed by possed swk during the lbd fight. So she had lived through everything previously and knows whats going to happen.

Ahhh, I can smell the angst from here, I love it! Also don't worry, I'm still doing requests, just been busy and my had to switch from writing on my phone to my laptop, since my Grammarly keyboard officially broke on my phone...

Had to deal with my mom asking questions about what I was writing, since it was now obvious I was up to something.

Anyway, I'm sorry if this wasn't how you expected it, I got too caught up with the angst.

Saving Myself Then You|| Oneshot

Fate is cruel, and the path that leads to it is more brutal. Never have you thought of the person you cared about most trying to take your life. Well, in his defense, he was being possessed and was forced to. However, that didn't stop the fear rushing through your veins. Those piercing, cold blue eyes never left your fearful ones. Yet bravely facing the ruthless creature that brought havoc to heaven itself. Even so, you caught glimpses of the man you love trying to break free from that demon’s control, yet it wasn't enough. 

Nezha happened to be trapped in a thick layer of ice, stuck until someone got him out. Mk disappeared to who knows where, one moment was right behind you, and now he was gone. Which left you to fend for yourself, to survive on your own. You mentally pat your back for lasting this long, questioning if you have gotten good at dodging or was just pure luck.

“Well, at least I got to say I went up against the Great Sage, Equal to Heaven… You're not going to kill me, right? I'm on the ground, defeated. You win.” You said weakly. 

It didn't take a genius to realize things were about to get messy. You didn't want to believe it, trying to last long enough for Wukong to break free. Be that as it may, there was one thing you had forgotten. You were going up against a being that had fought the celestial army and defeated it with ease. 

In other words, you were getting your ass kicked and will not last long enough. Wukong steadily walks towards you. Ready to finish this fight, once and for all. 

“And here I thought, I was never going to use this power.” You mumbled.

Wukong glances at your hands when he sees you pull out the small diary. Quickly, he lunges at you, trying to tear the small journal out of your hands. 

Perhaps, you shouldn't have said that out loud in hindsight.

He pins you to the ground, putting his entire weight to keep you from moving. The air from your lungs forcefully escapes. The heavy pressure on your chest prevents you from taking another breath. Panic floods your mind, trying to open the journal. Any situation was better than this. You tear out a page from one of the recent entries. Wukong expression never changed from the intimating stern look. He glances at the book, casting it aside before settling on the torn paper. Your lungs burn from the lack of air, putting every last energy into reading the text. Your vision fades as it changes to the once-familiar setting.

You gasp loudly. The burning in your lungs serves as a haunting reminder of the future. You fall to your knees with tears falling from your eyes. Not only that, but you try to take as much air in your lungs, afraid of losing it again.

“What happened? Are you okay?” Tang gently places a hand on your shoulder.

You wiped the tears from your eyes. Finally, register where you ended up. Everyone was staring at you, worried. However, you stare at the person who tried to kill you in the near future. His lovely golden eyes were wide with worry. He was close to the cliff, ready to fly off to fight LBD. You push yourself up and rush at him, anger written on your face. Clasping on the hem of his shirt, you brought him down to your level.

“You better sit your ass down and listen! We are not doing this again!” You shout, letting your temper take control. 

Wukong stays silent but nods. Yet you didn't dare let go of his shirt, your glare never leaving his nervous face. 

“I’m assuming, from your mood right now. I failed to defeat the Lady Bone Demon.” Wukong laughs nervously, hoping that your foul mood lightens up. It did not.

“What do you think?” Your eyes narrow.

Wukong didn't say anything, silently cursing his future self for upsetting you. A sigh escapes from you, finally breaking the death glare. You let go of his shirt and wrap your arms around him. 

“Please don't go.” You whispered, leaning close, locking your lips with his.

Wukong body was tense, before relaxing and returning the kiss.

“I won't go, alright? Don't worry, I’ll be right here.” He said softly, resting his forehead on yours. 

The two of you, enjoying the small moment. Tears once again fall from your eyes, not from sadness, but in relief. 

“Sorry to ruin this cute moment, but please tell me you have a plan.” Mk said.

You let go of Wukong, wiping the tears away, and face the bruised-up group. 

“I- do not… I kind of nearly died.” It was your turn to nervously laugh.

“You, WHAT?” Everyone yelled in unison. 

“It wasn’t fun and I rather avoid that, so Wukong, stay here and come up with a decent plan this time.”  You glance at everyone, seeing their shocks faces turn serious but determined. 

“Any ideas?”

#lmk sun wukong #lmk monkey king #lmk reader #lmk #lmk y/n #lmk sun wukong x reader #sun wukong #lmk x reader #lmk x y/n #sun wukong x reader #lmk oneshot #lmk wukong #monkey king #monkey king x reader #sun wukong x y/n #lmk mk #lmk tang #lmk nezha #monkie kid wukong #lego monkie kid #monkie kid #lmk angst #lmk fanfiction

[whoiwanttoday]

Hey guys, we're posting some Rogue today because X-Men 97 is here, a show I don't think I care much about except here I am posting Rogue because at the end of the day I deeply care about the X-Men in a way you can only really care about things that were a formative part of your existence. The show is likely to not be for me, it will sort of annoy me because I have a pretty negative reaction to nostalgia and don't watch shows for children so whichever way it goes, a kids cartoon or Gen X nostalgia bait I am expecting to not love it but it is the X-Men so it will be a thing I will be aware of and hear about and on some level care about no matter what. In the 1960's and early 1970's all the horniest comic book fans read Legion of Superheroes, which sounds crazy to anyone who is currently googling Legion of Superheroes but it was basically written as a romance comic set in a sci-fi future with teenage superheroes so it encouraged legions of adoring, horny fans who wrote the earliest versions of fan fiction. Anyway, by the late 1970's that had shifted to the X-Men. The X-Men were where the horniest fandom was and that persisted for a long time. It was still true when I was a kid and no doubt that infected me. Among the many characters I had a crush on, Rogue was one and it helped that she was hot cause they're all hot but she was also the horny character through the 80's. I mean, she was a teenager who couldn't be touched and spent all her time wishing she could be touched and it wasn't that subtle. Horny was one of her main character traits. Anyway, we are posting 90's Rogue today and the attraction there that I had and many, many a fan had is maybe not great. I will forgive myself and others though because I was 13 and shy and still discovering things. We all make mistakes but we grow and improve. The X-Men has always been metaphorically strong and it never works as a one to one comparison, which is a good part of it's strength. It's no longer a metaphor then, it's an analogy and not only does it lose it's power, it loses it's power then. The strength is the flexibility, that a writer can write a story that is representative of a specific experience (or maybe different experiences, this is the joy of art) and the next writer can write about a different one. This is the joy of art. It is why so many teenagers are drawn to the comic, because for all it's civil rights metaphors, it's also just about a group of unaccepted outsiders who hit adolescences and suddenly the world feels hostile. Everyone feels like an unaccepted outsider at some point as a teenager and everyone feels like the world hates them at some point.

Among the X-Men, in the early days, Rogue was an outsider among outsiders. She wasn't liked or accepted and I think a lot of people connected with that feeling. Even among the freaks I am unloved. But then we get to the part where she couldn't be touched. She was desperate for it and it was common enough in fan fiction that I know it was not a unique thought for many a lonely teenager to essentially have the thought, "But if I could touch her. If I was the only one then she'd have to choose me". Not great and no one phrased it that way but it's a big part of why she was one of the most fantasized about X-Men. She's desperate, I have a chance. It's wild that a fictional character we still need to come up with reasons to disappoint ourselves. Psylocke wouldn't have given us the time of day but what options does Rogue have? It's awful but we were kid. She also was brash and loud and funny and heroic. She was compelling because she was the first to rush into battle often and throw a punch, often a big mistake because Rogue fans might not like me saying this, traditionally she is not as smart as she thinks she is. I am not calling her dumb but she strikes me as the type who thinks she's a genius when she thinks of some trick that everyone on Earth has thought of before. It's also why she's great. She's someone with a really big heart and a lot of empathy for others, she has to, she's had it hard and the option there is bitter villain or kind hero. She became a hero because of her innate goodness. And 90's Rogue was great. She was best friends with a very clearly closeted Iceman and offered him support against his bigoted parents. And there is the savage land bikini. Anyway, that's all why she is here, cause I love the X-Men and I adore her. When I assemble my brains version of the best X-Men teams, she's on 3 of my favorite teams. That's pretty good. Today I want to fuck Rogue.

#Rogue #brunette #Superhero #fictional #whoiwanttofucktoday

[moregraceful]

#i should post the pregnant cat side fic on ao3...that was a really tender side story

I’m currently Jennifer Lawrence asking what do you mean? What 😭 do you 😭 mean? But without the pressure. I, too, have been frustrated by my lack of writing. If you ever feel like sharing even a scrap of that little side story, even just sharing bullet points, I would eat that shit up. But no pressure!! I’m even thankful you even posted the original story. I am also clearly, not afraid to shoot my shot lol

no omg please. i love to talk about my fic and your photoset is like the nicest thing anyone's done for my fics unprompted. it makes me so happy...thank YOU!

i had to go 21 pages back in my #unfortunate birdcage fanfictions tag to find the fic. i am always so happy to share it because i love it as a little scene, and then am always so distressed none of my metadata and cataloging classes in library school actually changed any of my social media behaviors so my blog is and will always be an absolute nightmare to navigate. lol anyway!!: god is a small pregnant cat in the sun // “and we’re all too small to talk to god” // jamie meets a cat

rest under a cut bc i suffer from fatal can't shut up when someone shows one iota of interest in my fic disease...

i was eating yogurt tonight and pondering this au after your ask!! and as with everything i write for hrpf, it's always in a constant state of evolution, when players come and go or i rewatch miyazaki films or w/e. but here are some thoughts i had, unrelated to jamie and jared:

tomáš is a grizzled fisherman with a kind heart, who spends most of his time fishing alone

future captain matty sells tuna's fish at the fish market but he sucks at it bc he's too nice to old grandmas who want nice fish but pretend they don't have enough money to buy it (they do, he's just a dummy). tuna has to hire a second person to help, but unfortunately that person is will borgen

obviously will and captain matty are harboring enormous crushes on tuna and deal with it by acting out (juggling fish across the booth to make him shout at them)

in the past i have said joey daccord is a gardener for chris and philipp and this still true, however sometimes i think he helps out with the early morning shift at the mccann bakery and will load like bread and cookies into his truck and take them down to the fish market so that....

eeli can sell them at his jam stand. eeli's jam makes you feel one of two emotions: unbridled euphoria or catastrophic depression. you never know what is going to happen. two jars of the same strawberry jam can alter the trajectory of your life in two different ways. and much like pregnancy, once you eat it and have a horrible time, it releases endorphins and then you're like actually that wasn't so bad, and you go back to his jam and mccann bakery bread stand and he looks at you beatifically and says, oh you liked it? :)

And then of course for Jared and Jamie:

most critically the one single time jared makes it out to the lighthouse (VERY sneakily bc like...that's a worksite lol harbormaster grubauer is kind but not soft) to Spend The Night, they obviously have very dreamy tender night time sex but ALSO the ghosts are quiet and jamie sleeps through the night without waking ONCE because that's true love babey!! jared ofc does not sleep at all because foghorns are loud lol

i outlined a longform version of this fic uhhh in dms with @bakingblues once i think, where jamie is veteran of (unspecified) armed conflict and he is running from what he did (also unspecifed) and he like is like i must punish myself and live alone to atone for my sins (unspecified but knowing me it's probably like...the Inherent Cruelty of War and not like anything that would get him tried in the hague) which is why he takes a lighthouse job. and in the whole fic it's totally unclear if he is being haunted by ghosts (real) or ghosts (ptsd). and ofc jared's gentle and constant love for him does not like Heal him but as with all love it makes the ghosts easier to bear

lorna prompted me a million years ago with jamie + jared + seashells i think? or oyster shells? and i never finished the fic bc i'm the worst but here's how it goes: one time after a storm the island is COVERED in oyster shells, like hundreds, maybe thousands, of them, and it was a bad bad bad storm and the ghosts were so loud and jamie didn't sleep at all and he's so tired and so lonely, but he's not scheduled to leave the lighthouse that week. so instead of doing his work, jamie spends the day picking up dozens and dozens of the most intact oyster shells. and he very patiently figures out how to drill holes in them and string them together with fishing line and it takes him all day but by the time it's time to turn on the lighthouse light, he has made a big intricate windchime for jared and his cousins. and when he finally makes it off the island three weeks later, he gives it to jared and his cousins. they all are soooo charmed and the girls hang it outside the door of their bakery immediately even though that is so excruciatingly embarrassing for jamie. however jared gives him the kind of hug that makes you fall in love with a guy and jamie, well, he's got a soft heart.

thank you for sending this ask!!!!

#i'm having a week that defies human comprehension so i made a small impulse purchase of 3 of that fancy yogurt that comes in clay pot #la fremière???? at the normie grocery store #HELLOOOO that yogurt turned my entire day around #i'm so glad i bought more than one lol but i'm trying to savor it #but it's so like. wow so there is a world beyond chobani...amazing... #anyway i just think. obviously this entire au is miyazaki coded so no brands but maybe eeli secretly sells idk. cream in clay pots #and the clay pot cream is an aphrodiastic #i'll say no more #unfortunate birdcage fanfictions #no but fr thank you so much for asking i appreciate it so much!!! #oh my god i just realized this au DID have an aesthetic tag #lighthouse tag #you know how tumblr used to save tags...i miss her

[blues-valentine]

A debated opinion but I wouldn’t mind if Can I Have This Dance is a full group song with each couple having their own part, preferentially during Homecoming/Prom because that would be so cute, that if Rina gets Right Here Right Now and I Just Wanna Be With You because it’s more meaningful since it fits their whole arc.

In fact, High School Musical 3 as the school production for the season Rina is a couple and Ricky is a senior is perfect. Look at those lyrics:

Everything about Rina has been about change.

Ricky's fear of change and Gina's life constantly changing so she dosn't allow herself to think too far ahead but Ricky is been her yes. So for Right Here Right Now, if Rina’s arc for S4 is like I predict it will with them feeling unsure about their future because is Ricky's last year at East High and now their whole public relationship with everyone inserting themselves into it then the lyrics fit just right: "I'd wish this moment was ours to own it and that it would never leave" and then with being afraid of the future and linking it to Gina’s speech about her life being all about maybe and holding onto the present and the journey: "Right here, I promise you somehow that tomorrow can wait for some other day to be, but right now there's you and me". Ricky’s senior year/decisions approaching: "We know it's coming and it's coming fast (but right now, there's you and me) so let's make every second last". And we back again with the theme of change: "A bend in the universe is gonna make everything in our whole world change (it's changing) and you know that where we are will never be the same". It’s prefect for a moment when they're feeling like nothing is going like they want it to because of their fame and time is running out.

Then there’s Just Wanna Be With You: "You know how life can be. It changes over night. It's sunny then raining but it's alright. A friend like you, always make it easy. I know that you get me every time. Through every up. Through every down. You know I'll always be around. Through anything you can count on me." I mean, "I thought we sort of got each other" is pretty self explanatory for them and it really highlights the rollercoaster that has been their journey though out all these four seasons.

Actually, I can see this song being sang by two different couples (the full song does), the first part for Ryan and Kelsey on the piano (could be Seblos) and Rina taking it off from where Troy and Gabriella start since it’s the part that fits their relationship and most of it till the end kind of like in the movie version (the rehearsal, not the actual show). I can see that song being Rina focused but with the other couples as backup.

And even Gabriella's solo Walk Away is so Gina coded and it mentions change. This song is when Gabriella had to leave East High earlier because she got an early admission into college. "I guess I should've known better to believe that my luck had changed. I let my heart and forever. Finally learn each other's name. I tell myself this time is different, no goodbyes 'cause I can bear to say it. I'll never survive the ones that's coming if I stay. Just walk away and don't look back 'cause if my heart breaks it's gonna hurt so bad. You know I'm strong but I can't take that." And I just remember Kristoff Lullaby: "You light the world for me. You live life fearlessly, braver than the braver of us do" and Ricky’s “Gina’s a fighter and she’ll come back for opening night” Like, Gina is Gabriella. I'm sorry, she's so her coded.

And we know there's only one person that can sing Scream and that's Ricky Bowen and the line: "Yeah, the clock's running down, hear the crowd getting loud. I'm consumed by the sound. Is it her? Is it love? Can the music ever be enough?" that's Ricky Bowen coded. I can imagine him singing this when he is feeling overwhelmed about having to make decisions about his future, about music, about having to be away from Gina. Josh would eat this bad.

CIHTD is aesthetically iconic but the lyrics can apply to every couple on the show so I wouldn’t mind that one being a group song with all the pairings together singing some parts because it would look pretty cute on a big scale dance. “A Night To Remember” needs to happen too. Like, it’s basically a need for them to do this.

#hsmtmts #gina porter #ricky x gina #rina #ricky bowen #text post #hsmtmts season 4 #rina hsmtmts #high school musical the musical the series #seblos #jetney #madlyn

[21yroldteengirl]

Once in Colorado when I was being a great actress, someone asked me what my shirt said. It was some horrible quote about love and being tall and quiet and things like that. I craned my neck over and pulled at the bottom of the shirt so I could read it out loud. Somewhere in that action there’s a poem about love, devotion, sacrifice. Hurting myself so that you can understand better. Twisting myself into shapes that serve you.

The last time I saw you, and I mean it when I say last, you accidentally got on the same train car. The seat next to me was open and we shot glances at each other through the space but you didn’t come towards me. For the better. We both knew better. We walked the same way off the train but on different sides of the street because we’ve never really been going in the same direction. Remember when I drove away from you, screaming through rolled up windows and wasting $7 gas on the AC and pointless circles? How on earth did we both fit into the front seats of that car? Our resentment was so big.

Reading poetry I wrote about you aloud and feeling satisfaction when your hot tears hit my collarbones. Tasting that cigarette you smoked a few hours ago in the very back of your throat when you breathe into my mouth. On top of you and under you and never able to get far enough away from you. It’s amazing what you can get away with. Stretching out your sweater sleeves and being too hot so close to your naked body and too cold with the fan on. There is no satisfaction with you. Never any ending that is mutual. Pinky promises meant to be broken and a one sided understanding of this. No toothbrush in your bathroom but still a bottle of my perfume. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

The wind picks up off the water and I don’t love you. I listen to fathers talk to daughters and feel grateful that there are some houses I will never have to go back into. We pass old windows on old buildings with glass I’m surprised isn’t cracked. I broke a mirror when I was 15 and I’m still waiting for my bad luck to run out.

Now clouds move fast overhead and the sky turns grey and I wish that I liked the way coffee is bitter. Sometimes I find myself becoming very bitter. You are my downfall and my favorite liar and I hate you all the same.

I confuse kindness and cruelty and remember all the years I thought I liked being hurt when really I like softness. Sometimes a bite, a pull, a hand on my back, but never anything more.

I can hear the car blinker and the ice in my water and I have a headache from the overwhelming silence. I can tell the future if you don’t want the truth. I can tell the truth if you need to hear it.

I have dreams where you cut me up and lead me back into the dark and I always know where we are headed and choose to leave everyone behind again. I wake up from the dreams and I never know if they are good or bad or if they mean anything but they always remind me of our second winter.

I’m having different versions of the same dream over and over and wondering at what age the snow becomes an inconvenience rather than something beautiful. I hate when I can’t have what I want and some mornings I think about you and the way you teased me with promises.

#poetry #thank you #not in love

[askthefuturegleeks]

Thank you for joining the campaign to bring the arts to future generations, BLAINE ANDERSON, we’re happy to have you! If you want a refresher on what to do next, feel free to look at the WELCOME CHECKLIST. Please send your account in within the next 48 hours so that you can get started.  

OOC INFORMATION:

NAME: Mary

AGE: Old enough to roleplay lol

PRONOUNS: She, her, hers

SHIPS: Blaine/chemistry

ANTI-SHIPS: Blaine/forced, Blaine/female

  BASIC IC INFORMATION:

NAME: Blaine Devon Anderson

BIRTHDAY/ZODIAC: Aquarius.

CURRENT OCCUPATION: Dramatics Arts teacher at NYU, which is also his Alma Mater, musical composer and arranger, and also moonlights as a part time musician at The Playtone local pub.

CURRENT LOCATION: New York.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single. Divorced from Kurt Hummel for several years now.

FC: Darren Criss.

  TWITTER POST:

@AHOBBITINNY: Last 4th of July’s fireworks were a blast! Ha, see what I did there? Nothing tops watching all those pretty lights on the beach, while sitting next to a fire, and be thankful for what life brings.

  IN CHARACTER QUESTIONS:

1.) What did you want to do with your life when you were younger? What would the child version of yourself think about the path you paved for yourself?

For as long as I can remember, I never saw myself doing anything that wasn’t related to music, whether it was singing, dancing, playing an instrument, anything. My mom says I was much better at dancing long before I got walking right! Everything I have ever at done, at school, at Dalton, McKinley, and later on at NYU, where now I get to teach what I love the most, I wanted it to be about that, and in the end that’s what I’m doing. I know my child self would approve, and be very happy about what my life is right now. I’d go as far as thinking that he would be saying “see? Told you it would pay up to bug everyone at home singing and dancing all the time!”

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  2.) What is your proudest accomplishment? Don’t be afraid to talk about what it took to achieve it and how you feel about it as well. 

There was a time when I thought my biggest achievement was being able to stand up for myself back on those days where I was bullied in such a traumatizing way. To stand up for who I was, for what I was, and not being afraid to say it out loud. I remember even fighting my parents when they decided to transfer me to Dalton, so I could be safe, because I wanted to stay and fight all the hatred and all the things that happened to me. In the end, that transfer didn’t only came as my protection, but as a brand-new chapter of my life, where I made the most amazing friends, where I fell in and out of love, where I allowed myself to dream about what my life could be someday. And that’s how everything turned out to be. But as of today, nothing makes me prouder than to be a teacher, a guide, a friendly hand for someone to hold onto when it’s needed. To be able to inspire, and tell each and everyone of my students to never stop chasing for what you want and dream of, and to never let anyone tell them they can’t do it.

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  3.) If you could do anything you wanted for one whole day, what would it be and why?

As little of spare time that I have at this moment, I want to say ‘sleep all day in’, but that would be too lame, right? Man… I don’t know- I mean, if I’d have all and any means to do anything… hop on a plane and spend a whole day at Santorini? Or any of the beaches of the Mediterranean. I love the beach. But thinking on a more realistic tone, being on a beach, any beach, doing a good swim, reading a good book, taking a short nap, and why not, enjoying some good company.

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  WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Some short time after we last heard about Blaine, his relationship with Kurt started to crumble. First it was little things that kept on stirring arguments between them, but it eventually came to a point where they had to sit down and talk about if that’s how they wanted their life to be. If that was truly what their hearts, what their minds wanted. And even if love was never an issue, they came to realize that love hadn’t been enough to maintain a marriage. They were so young when they got married, and their lives were started to get different paths, and some of them didn’t really have them meet anywhere in between. With him studying at NYU to get his Teaching degree, while also giving private guitar lessons to children, and Kurt also as busy as he was with his work, they had very little time to share, much less to try and figure out what to do to fix their marriage. And so, and in the most possible amicable way, they decided to get a divorce, but remained friendly, while trying to make up their lives as single individuals again.

  For Blaine that meant to dive headfirst in his studies, while also dipping his toes at the Dramatics Arts School, as a minor, and there he found his world, and where he knew his life truly belonged. He was able to blossom as an artist and a composer, even writing a couple of plays for the school to put on. He never gave up on his own love for playing music, so while visiting a small, local pub with some college friends called The Play Tone, one open mic night he took the stage, and that led to him having a casual moonlighting job as a singer there, which was like another dream come true. To be able to play his own music, along with some masterfully done covers, for an audience. Recently, he has learned the owner of the pub has plans to sell the place, and that has stirred another completely different line of ideas in his always working mind. Blaine Anderson as the owner of a pub? Who knows. Maybe.

  There is just one thing he had recently realized would be the cherry on the top of the cake that was his life. It has been a good while since he last seen his old friends from McKinley High. And ever since Sue Sylvester became President, with all the flashbacks and memories that event brought back, there was something that makes him miss his friends, now more than ever.

#glee rp #atfg admin #accepted

[diffuserlover]

🌸 Hiii I’m new here on tumblr so I don’t know how these kind of things work, but I wanted to request ships with the groups Txt,stray kids and enhypen. Oh and also please make the Description private if that’s possible. Also could u add a little description with it if that’s okay.🌸

I'm very shy around people I don't know, but once I'm really comfortable with someone I'm very outgoing and talkative. I think I have a pretty calm personality but my mind is more energetic as I can't really express how I'm feeling even when I'm really happy. When I meet new people I always do a vibe check with them, although I don't consciously do it. I’m not really interested in people that give me bad vibes and I avoid them most of the time. However, I trust the people who give me good vibes right away. I’m the happiest when I get to have some time to myself, but I love going outside with people that I love. Im constantly trying to understand myself better. I think people see me as a reserved and cold person, I think it's because of my calm face and “don't approach me”-attitude. But I'm really generous to the people who are close to me. Im a person that needs Harmony in her life, which means I’m the loudest around quiet people and the quietest around loud people. I used to be very close to a lot of people, but now I'm quite a loner. I have some friends but I'm not really close to them, we're just good friends. Im a optimist and my goal in life is just to be happy and be the best version of myself.

I'm also good with technology and numbers, but I don't do it on purpose, I just do it and somehow it's right. I love music and everything that goes with it because I truly believe that music makes me a happier person and I can't go without it for very long. I prefer upbeat songs to slower ones, unless the lyrics are meaningful. I also love to dance, but only when I'm alone. In general, I would say that I prefer to listen to music alone, simply because I'm not that comfortable with other people. I also love backing especially cakes, even tho I’m rlly messy it somehow turns out to be good. I also like cooking but I don’t like cooking for others because, again, I cook messily and majority of them always complain about the shapes of the food tbh 😭. I also like to work out but like only if it’s in the morning because I don’t rlly have enough time for them afterwards. But like I’m not a sport freak or smth I only really do it for my health and to be fit not because I rlly enjoy it itself. I also like playing games it doesn’t rlly matter if alone or with friends, like you can always count on me that I’m gonna play with you. Also once I’m starting a game I ain’t stopping until somebody doesn’t want to play anymore.

I have a hamster, her name is Megan, she is so fluffy and and cute. My favorite part of the day is probably when I’m doing my night routine especially my skin care routine, because I don’t have time everyday to do it but every time I do I just feel so pretty. I love to wear anything that makes me comfortable but at the same time pretty. Generally you could say that I like every color but my favorites are pink,green,yellow,white,bluish mint. I also love doing makeup, but I don’t wear makeup everyday I only do on special occasions or when I’m going out. I am now at a makeup school and am trying to become a makeup artist in the future.

I don’t like the following things : loud voices/screaming, rudeness, bad manners, wasps, not being honest, making fun of others to look better, being mean for fun,

Thank you so much in advance and I hope ur having a wonderful day.🌸

I’m so sorry if that was too much of information :(

Hi!! So sorry this took so long I hope you like your ships! Thank you so so much for being so patient!!! <3

TXT:

I ship you with…

Taehyun

I ship you with Taehyun

I feel like you and Taehyun are similar yet so different but in all the good ways

Genius couple

You guys work out together in the morning before he goes to work

I see you guys doing that tik tok challenge where your boyfriend lifts what you lift(I hope you know what I mean)

Taehyun is a quiet extrovert while your a loud introvert I think that’s so cute

He loves your cooking to death but can’t help but laugh when the cake you made is tilted he loves it

He seems like the type to want to cook you dinner whenever he can but also wants to do it together

He would adore your hamster but he still wants a snake💀

Imagine doing little spa nights with face masks and those big headbands

You guys do your skincare routine together whenever you can

He would always let you practice doing makeup on him

Overall I just think you guys compliment each other:)

Stray Kids:

I ship you with…

Hyunjin

I feel like you would calm him down

He’s kinda dramatic a lot of the time and you would be be the calm sensible one

He was drawn in by your intimidating looks but was too scared to talk to you

You two baking would be so funny and such a mess, imagine flour and batter everywhere

He jokes around and acts scared and disgusted to eat the weirdly shaped food you make but he always loves it

He would cuddle with your hamster more than you💀

Hyunjin always makes sure you do your skin care routine with him

He’s definitely bought matching outfits for the two of you!

He is a hopeless romantic and loves going for a cute nature walk with you hand in hand

He adores your optimism and it helps him a lot on stage

He loves when you do his makeup

Overall, I think you guys are an unexpected pair but work so well<3

Enhypen:

I ship you with…

Sunghoon

You guys are the couple that scares people when you walk down the street

You both are the definition of cold on the outside soft on the inside

Sunghoon is your baby hardcore

He doesn’t really know how to cook and kinda follows your lead like a puppy

He looks up to you when it comes to your optimism

He calls you before any big performance for a little pep talk cause you help calm him down

Surprisingly you guys are loud as hell

I can see karaoke every Friday night at your house and it being a complete mess ahaha

You guys have matching pjs it was his idea and they are mint

He prefers his dog over your hamster but will still love it

Another face masks and skincare routine with you

If your tired he will literally do it for you

He loves watching you do your makeup

But also loves doing your makeup and messing it up cause he finds it funny

Hell make it up to you I promise

You guys are so freaking cute:)

#kpop ships #kpop #tomorrow x together #txt #enhypen #stray kids #stray kids ships

[sab3rto0thed]

my senior year english teacher served in the united states military. when we were reading a story about war, he told us that when you’re young, you don’t really believe in death. you know it’s there and you’re aware that it exists, but it seems very far off. you’re young and you can’t be touched. you have your whole life ahead of you, stretching so far that you can’t fucking see it, like how the horizon fades. the earth is too damn big, just like your future.

my senior year english teacher was also a hardass, and he never had anything good to say about us until the day of our graduation. our class had elected that he be the one to give our speech, and his voice broke a little when he did. two days earlier, he had signed my yearbook with “i’m proud of the young lady you have become.” this was the highest compliment coming from someone who never really complimented anyone.

in 2020, when covid got really bad, my grandma on my dad’s side died. i had met her maybe twice in my life and neither of those times were recent. i can’t remember if i cried but i do remember that something shifted that day. not permanently, but for a week, maybe, i was skirting around the edge of it, trying to figure it out. i did not miss her absence. it did not hit me like a truck. it was just this: one day, she existed and one day she did not. she was just an idea either way, and i was more upset that my dad was upset than anything else.

i grieved a million different things in 2020, and maybe one of them, very briefly, was my dead grandmother that i had met twice. it was less about grieving her and more about grieving the relationship i would never get to have. i was not broken and it did not hurt that badly. i have had a million other things that have hurt more. i have grieved friendships and past versions of myself and memories. i thought i was familiar with grief, because i have been living in a version of it for most of my teenage years.

i have grieved many things. teachers leaving, friendships broken apart, loss and loss and loss. none of it was death. a lot of it was pity for the girl i had been and the girl i had been forced to become. i grieved for the mother that would never be what i wanted and the father that would never be a father. i really thought i was intimate with grief.

my dog died on a thursday. it actually wasn’t even specifically my dog, it was my grandma’s dog that had become the family dog since she moved in. the dog was called hershey. she was obnoxious and hard-won and bossy and often my family hated her. often she annoyed me but i think deep down i did love her in the way that i always get too attached to animals. i hated dogs for the majority of the time that we had her but i had a soft spot for her. we called her hershey kisses, after the candy, though we never gave her chocolate.

she was an awful dog. as a puppy, she was an absolute monster, full of boundless energy. as she got older, she was still loud. whenever you went downstairs to talk to grandma, her dog would bark at you. she would pick up plastic containers and crunch them right in your face until you played with her. she would cry for hours until you pet her. she was love-starved, as my grandma described it. none of us loved her enough.

she would get trash from the trash can and spread it around the living room when my mom wasn’t home. this irritated my mother so much that she had to get a new trash can. once, when we got a loaf of bread and left it out on the counter, hershey ripped through the plastic and ate the whole loaf. she really was an awful dog.

a few years ago, i promised myself i would try harder with hershey. i mostly avoided her when i could because i hated dogs and she was loud and obnoxious and hard-won, of course; but she was getting older and i knew that i would feel incredibly guilty if she died and i had not given her my love. so i did. i started making visits, patting her on the head whenever i saw her, scratching behind her ears and giving her treats. it made me happy to see her happy.

she tore her leg in january. we were playing ball, and i have never been able to shake the feeling that it was my fault. i have always been a selfish creature and i went out to the dog park not just because hershey needed to get some energy out, but because my grandma would buy me something if i did. i always had dual reasons when it came to my family. it was how i survived.

after that, my mother and my brother and my father all said: put her down. she was an old dog. the fur around her mouth was all gray. we checked her leg out, but there was no way to fix it except for an expensive surgery that might kill her anyway. she was a big dog, a mixed chocolate lab and red-bone hound, as my grandma liked to brag. but those kind of surgeries don’t work on big dogs. it might’ve made her worse.

up until this point, i had fought for hershey as i fought for everything else that i wanted: quietly. i treaded the stairs with careful feet and scratched behind her ears when no one was looking. it was always a fight with me, and it was impossible to explain to an outsider. but i listened to my mother and my father and my brother as they said, it’s time to put her down.

i talked to my grandma about it. my grandma often hated her dog but deep down they were best friends. we agreed: we would do what we could for hershey. it wasn’t time for her to die. not yet.

those last few months were the closest i got to her. i would take her on walks after school, and she would have fun at first but her leg would hurt and i would coax her the rest of the way. there were dips in improvement. some days she would be able to walk up the stairs on her own and some days she would throw up because of how much pain she was in. there was never a win, but i guess that’s how it is with sickness.

i really didn’t even think i liked her that much. i hated dogs because they were loud and big and hard-won, and hershey embodied all of those traits. but we became friends, her and i. i would always get her fresh water if she was out, with extra ice. i would always take her out when no one else would. we would race down the sidewalk back to the house, because even though she was an old dog with an injured leg, she still had so much energy. she loved to run, even if it was just for a little while.

i didn’t think i would care that much if she died. in my head, i was always desensitized to everything. i was just like the dog, in a way: loud and hard-won and bossy. that’s probably why we became friends. she was a crazy fucking dog, too. she would dart out into the street in front of cars and i’d have to pull on her collar to bring her back, because she always wanted to be holding her damn leash.

on thursday morning, when i went downstairs to take her out before work, she did not stand. when i finally coaxed her outside, she just looked at me, mouth hanging limply over the leash when i offered it to her. it was hopeless but i didn’t accept it. this was just another dip in her progress. she was an old dog and she was injured but i had been fighting for so long for her, and death couldn’t touch anything around me.

after work, my grandma came upstairs in tears. she had booked an appointment but it was too far away, and so while my mom looked online for someone that would take her sooner, i went downstairs. hershey was laying on the floor, but her eyes followed me as they always had. i crouched by her and held her paw in my hand, scratched her behind the ears like i always did. i told her she was a good girl, the very best.

i drove. it was twenty minutes away. logically, i knew it was over. my father and my grandmother had had to physically lift her into the car. she wasn’t eating or drinking. but in my head i couldn’t accept it. death couldn’t touch me.

when we got there, i thought it was just an appointment. things happened too fast. i couldn’t watch. my last memory of her is scratching her head, my body flinching to go, and calling her a good girl. the very best. she watched me with those big green eyes, trusting till the last. we were best friends.

i waited outside while my mother and grandma soothed her inside. i was a coward. the day was beautiful, the grass sharp, the sun making a halo of the sky. i sat next to a tree while bugs gnawed away at me. i could not quite believe it was happening.

i did not believe it when my grandma and mother returned to me twenty minutes later. i actually didn’t believe it until we were halfway home and i started crying. it wasn’t even real crying. i just felt tears on my face. i kept driving. in my head, there was no way she was gone.

i didn’t cry for the rest of the night. i was exhausted and careworn. when i woke the next day, i was a blank slate until i broke. i bawled. everything was so empty without her. i hadn’t realized how important she had been to me until she wasn’t there. her leash and collar hung on a peg in the garage, a silent tribute. there was still a pile of her fur in my grandma’s living room. in the backyard, there was the chewed-up hedgedog toy she had loved.

she was a good girl, the very best. if she were still here, i would hug her like i used to. i would scratch behind her ears until i fell asleep. she deserved more. she deserved the very best.

grief is a funny thing, but especially where death is concerned. the morning she died, i woke up and i was untouchable. the night she died, the world had shifted. there is a version of me before she died and a version of me after she died. i have two cats and i feel a little hollow petting them now. i don’t know what to do with all of this love i still have for her. it’s over, you know? it’s just over, flat. there one day, gone the next. there’s no preparing for it.

she was a good dog, though. the very best. i hope that she at least knew that.

#prose #poetry #writing #poem #tw animal death #grief

[chloe--bug]

writing a recipe for unplumbed change

Feeling so foreign in my body today. It seems loud and heavy but manifests as such a quiet, weightless resolution – no one I speak to today will have any idea how strange I feel. Many Mondays feel somewhat like this... I try to relax on the weekend but end up a bundle of nerves on the first day of the week, unprepared and somehow unrested, only able to worry about the week to come. I tried to savor my walk at sunset yesterday, but everything I saw made me dreadfully sad. Not just the old couple holding each other by their waists, or the slow-moving dog bearing down the sidewalk, but the things that probably should have put a smile on my face, too: the teenage boys sharing a bench with 5 pizza boxes stacked high on one of their laps, the kids swinging alongside each other on the playground. All of it hits me in a different spot, each one as tender as the next. Since when have I been bruised all over?

I think if I go deep enough I can sort out the root of this trouble: things will change soon, and I am well too aware of it. I have a morbid habit of trying to brace myself for incoming pain, but ultimately feeling the pain even more because I've prolonged it – made it an event, something to fear – and then I regret ever trying to predict when I would be sad in the future. Why can't I just feel things when they happen? I know that change is inevitable. It is supposed to be one of the most exciting parts of growing up, yet I am sick to death of wondering what I'll do if it's not what I'm doing right now.

There is a recurring concept in my personal diaries that I call The Dream. It refers to a dream I have often that feels more like a picture of the future than a figment of my imagination. It feels so true and clear that I wake up really believing I watched myself experience something that will soon be real to me. The problem with The Dream is that it fundamentally relies on certain things not changing... certain things that I know will change. I somehow still find myself unable to let go of the belief that it is real, and I think this is what's making it so impossible for me to accept that my life is ever-evolving. There may not be time for The Dream to come to life. This has become The Problem.

I think of my first time listening to Fiona Apple. "Days like this I don't know what to do with myself," she sang, how did she know how I was feeling? I really don't know what to do with myself on days like this, as I wait for life to change. I walk in the face of such uncertainty – in a month, everything will be different. There is no way for me to predict it. Sick to death, like I said. I'm sick to death about it.

So, with all of this being said – I think it is time I write a recipe. I need ingredients and instructions to follow. I advise you, dear reader, to find your own version of this recipe for when you face a change that feels unfathomed, uninvestigated, abysmal, deep, eternal, soundless, unending, unmeasured. It rarely feels like only one of those things. It usually grows to become a dark cave with room to be all of those things.

First, I will clean my room and thank myself that I can always predict that a tidy room will make me feel better. I will not deny myself the time to cry about the things I feel afraid of (after all, what will I gain from treating myself poorly for feeling strongly?) and I will set aside five pages in my diary for lamenting the aforementioned change. It is paramount to remember that it is more than okay to fear and hate it. I will comb through my shirts and find the one that feels the softest on that particular day, and I will wear it to bed with slippers and my favorite underwear. I will tell myself: It is okay, it is okay, it is okay. I cannot observe a world without transformation. I love you life, even if you don't understand me at all. This is my recipe for uncharted, boundless, immeasurable change.

[artoflifehealingarts]

Oh and I do still have an Onlyfans and this preceded their Pay per view DM post:

There are two 30 minute videos I have been wanting to share plus another I still have to pass onto phone in order to upload. I try to keep the very sacred art separate and the shamanic also compartmentalized so as to work on all these projects in some kind of order.

They say people commit when they invest and am sorry but what's more important than your energy and health.

You want to know when you have "enough" Its when you take that next breath. Without it ..you have nothing. No matter how far, how much you made or how many titles without that breath you have nothing. That is why in these times your energy, which us a top commodity.. C'MON THEY STUDY YOU TO SEE WHERE YOUR ATTENTION ATTEND WHAT? WHERE YOUR ATTENTION GOES!

AND THAT BE WHERE YOUR ENERGY GOES. THEY GOT YA WANKIN IT ALL AWAY, PISSED OFF, CHASING THE DOLLAR WISHING YOU COULD MAKE SOMEONE HOLLER YOUR NAME, TAKING SELFIES SHOUTING OUT .. "LOOK I EXIST? I AM HERE!"

ARE YOU?

You want everyone to feel you but you won't even feel yourself. You want everyone to understand you but you wont even understand yourself. You cling to your past selves and future self abandoning the self. The self in the now. Then later complain about being left, betrayed and ignored or misunderstood. Cry me a river.

Fuck society and all it's worth and be yourself. Live by your own code of morality and stand for something within not outside or someone else's version of right and wrong.

Take the fucking responsibility of what you consider right or wrong and flow with it.

Trust yourself. Go within in order to communicate through: song, words, engineering, building, painting, being, smiling, kindness and legacy what you valued and loved.

Fuck trying to get people to like you or fuck you

Fuck yourself, make love to yourself on an energetic higher level and then fick yourself some more. Get to know each and every inch of yourself and then guide lovers there. Be brave and fearless . Fuck in a way that celebrates being alive.

If my legs are open these days..these days, not always..these days I inhale all that sweet love into my pussy and I rejoice at the reunion of the sun & the moon the king and the queen. I don't doubt myself ..if I am with someone these dats I know they are a king or queen and probably out of my societal media league because I keep attracting higher minded light beings.

The stronger I get the better energy I attract. The more I can receive The more I open The more I expand Expand and open more.The deeper into the realm between the subconscious and conscious

Much love..no matter what the lighting I dislike video indoors People always say. Oh you look so much better in person. Lmao.I say wtf how funky fudgely do I look in person lol?

Anyway ..fuck it I hope this all helps Am really routing for the men, the kings..the guys that conquered the world..ya know?

They can support the new definition if the woman and the higher Shakti energy

If the men don't rise then…the higher shakti energy will simply scatter ..no direction without the logic.

I can go further into the socio economic manifestation if all this but eh another day Go wank Warm up your towels And wank somemore

Leave your troubles at the door and restore Inhale exhale Liberate yourself Release Come And come some more. Have fully body orgasms Anal orgasms Laugh Crygasm

But come Come to life! .I write best when I just DO THE GRAMMAR ..handicap..i get it don't flip if that makes you batty.just read it out loud and begin breathing Pause and .fuck yourself for me Right in the soul

Oh so yeah. People commit to what they pay for. I am doing 10 of these with the last gifting you a total squirt but BUT first ya gotta earn it.

At the end if video 11 a wrap up which will also answer any questions I get along the way. Please DM feel free Free!

Respectfully of course. I am life itself just like you, so respect and honor me in regards to my being here just like you. Being here on a planet spinning around a sun im outer space without a clue ..knowing what's been told to me and what I feel and have experienced. I am different Gid sakes I have Congo, Mali, Senegal, native Yucatan indigenous, I am DIVERSITY

And I understand being different, challenged and stressed and I know what walking in this swamp of currents feels like but I would not be walking or able to have some vision and a life of meaning without my shamanic and Vama Marga tantra

Be needless be a needless lover give unto yourself all that energy you hold within and can inhale and take all that energy around you and alchemically transform it

All that be around you can serve you

mind is a tool emotions are tools you are in a super fucking vessel and you are conscious!

Stop trying to fuck like the discovery channel..I mean do it.. experience it all and then

Come to the Light side baby

the full body O's will do you right...OF is

@ mysticfemme all genders strict training, I tried food play have stopped and started a bunch. Men will say they love and respect it but eh..now I have a crew of faithful followers that does the work so they get 30 minute technique, breath and deep energetic health videos.. just sayin', the more the merrier! And if you do join in start at the bottom and await DMs and when ready jump into full course. I love Sploshing so will only do that fetish or play Sargent Master and Dark Eros you into Kingship and Queendom

#Vama Marga tantra #tantra #sacred masculine #Divine feminine #Sexology #Semen retention #Cycling energy #Shamanic tantra #Energy #Men #Women #Couples #lovers #Positive sexuality #Sex positive #sexuality #life #dakini #goddess #mindfulness

[taromilksnake]

11:39 pm stomach ache from cheese and milk

just brought sherry and mikey home

i want to be an artist and not a teacher, but i don’t have the guts or idea of where to start

“awkward is where art lives” came to my today during one of my restroom breaks

was woken up too early by meowu at 10am today, worked on my ILP til 3pm (while stressed about making melissa have to check it over the weekend), only for her to do so in like…10min. feel like an idiot but at least it’s done

declined a hangout with lito and teresa, ate a cheesy spicy ramen with milk (anxious stomachache tagging in lactose intolerance stomachache), dressed up real cute and promptly went back to bed (lol)

woke up from stress simulations of the classroom, dark out beyond the curtains, sounds to the neighbor’s dog barking and arguments outside

put my earrings back in, folded some origami boats with feet, and went to pick up sherry and mikey from the airport

btw my outfit is a plain black tshirt, casual dress pants (dark grey), tulip earrings, periwinkle nailpolish. understated artist, i think is what i’m going for. i felt much better about my haircut, and honestly felt (and feel) really hot. the hairstyle is worth revisiting, it think. i was trying to channel the theatre major from skip and loafer (i wish i could be as brave).

in a strange mood in general…i’m not happy, but i’m not like super depressed or anxious. just tired and (ok, a little anxious) about the future, i guess

good news is i appreciate meowus clingy cuddling again (as much as i usually do, anyway) and believe in her love for me again (as much as i can, anyway)

…it’s almost a relief to say out loud, but just like realizing i have esteem issues, i think i believe i’m a fundamentally unloveable person. i was about to write broken, but it’s not that i think im “wrong,” but i am never “good enough.” not as a teacher, and in some ways not as a person (see: my inability to love the kids or meowu). maybe this is what people mean when they say “low empathy”? i think dean asking about me the way he did made something click, that the way he has been treating me is always kinda knowing, like the way you’d interact with a depressed person. not in a demeaning way, but like he sees a (more complete) version of myself that i don’t, or at least don’t believe. the prospect of having regrets, of not doing all the things i want to do because i wasted my time doing what i think i should scares me

…it’ll all work out, i’m sure

[talesofateenagedramaqueen]

feb. 23, 2024

okay I had to ask for the date, that's the only reason it's accurate this time. "oh, why don't you just look at your phone?" because I never think to. maybe its weaponized incompetence idk, but I'm not a 30 man baby married to a woman who might as well be his mommy so is that a legitimate worry to have? I'm a shitty writer but no one is reading this except me. Dammit, why do I have a perfectionist streak if I can't even make it work for me.

my neuroses have neuroses.

it's never going to be my year. sometimes I don't think I can even make something my day. maybe I just gotta....live in the moment. damn cliches, most of them wind up being true. it's so cheesy! but the time of person I am, I'm going to worry about something and then become so worried that I my fight or flight instinct comes in (which is so totally unfair because my trauma is like, as mundane as it can get, and I don't mean that in a self depreciative sort of way, it's very true) and I either choose flight or freeze. the only people I fight with are usually people who don't even deserve it.

I'm a little lost puppy and I feel older in a jaded way but I also feel younger than my peers. but most of my peers aren't even living lives that I feel jealous of so WHY DO I CARE. I care abbot things that don't matter and then that leaves no space for things that actually do.

I need to move out and start over. get away from living with my parents in this same old town, because I feel so much better when I'm away from it all.

though, it doesn't count...if I'm with my family... it's not entirely their fault but dammit, its not entirely mine either. I'm not a bad person I'm just also not a very good one. to quote my own mother, "I suck at life." to quote myself, I'm just "a bit unfortunate."

I need to stop explaining myself to people. and myself. I actually have no clue why I do it in the first place. maybe the insatiable need to be liked? I am a Leo after all. but I'm also unique and hyper independent. do I be myself all the time? kind of. we should all strive to be ourselves, but a better version. what does the better version of myself look like?

hah, look at me, using a Tumblr blog as a journal, trying to be "cool" instead of "edgy and unique". I'm holding too tightly to the past but I don't NEED to let it go. just, allow more space for the present and future.

okay, here comes the really fun part: the venting. love this for me, I'm letting the anger flow in and then flow out again. I'm a fire sign, and more importantly, I'm a miller. the anger comes in quick bursts of flames and then dies down. I don't want to be the type of person to hold onto grudges and bottle everything up. there has to be an appropriate outlet for it. well, journaling of course. maybe angry music? do I write it myself? sing it out loud? I guess all of the above works.

(btw, what's the word limit on this? I've been going on for like, a while. if it cuts me off I'll be so upset. and then ill remember that I refuse to read this back anyways so its like, actually not a big deal. how do I validate other people's emotions when they like, trigger me? man, maybe I just have to step away from the moderator role. seriously, when has it done me any good? I value loyalty more, but I also value kindness. ugh, everything requires balance and my whole being like, physically and spiritually rejects it.)

like sorry g but I'm not a shit talker and its unfair that u expect me to be. it's unfair of me to invalidate ur feelings, but does that count for every time? u take it as me being holier than thou and invalidating but not every person u shit talk has actually wronged you. tho, I suppose its on me to know the difference and respond accordingly. I refuse to feel guilty anymore, living in the moment you know? next time I'll take a minute and think. I may not be good at it at first but I'll make a effort and that has to be enough bc its all I have to give.

and why was last night so awkward! I guess she gave me the same energy I give her but she's the one with that problem! I don't care that she was more subdued but apparently she hates it when its her which means...she hates it when I do it. but I don't mind either way! like sorry, but my depression isn't about you and your depression isn't about me. I at least realize that. and god fucking dammit but I wish everyone would realize that I'm sad and I'm fucking trying, I try so hard every day. living as I am is the most uncomfortable feeling. like a constant headache, or persistent nausea. you know when you're having a really bad day? well every god damn day is a bad day for me. I don't get good ones, only good moments and then the rest suck. "your mental illness is your own problem to deal with" yeah and I don't make it anyone else's problem except my own! and my parents... but come the fuck on, no I don't want to go to the bars. I don't want to do anything, you're so right, its bc I'm SAD!!!! depression makes you a buzzkill, who would have thought. be grateful I'm still kicking, bc if I had the capacity to Kermit I would have ages ago! I wish I had to guts to sometimes. I don't, probably never will, and its kind of fucked up that if I were sadder part of me would feel better. what if I just gave up entirely? I'm capable of giving up even more, I assure you.

ugh, this is mentally exhausting. I think that's enough for one day.

peace out <3

[celestialpotat0]

I'm definitely old now

In 2023 I struggled to reconcile my desire to stay out late at night and make memories with my desire to have a restful sleep schedule. In my 20s I would regularly leave the house after 11pm because many spots and events don't get lit til around 12am. In 2023 I think I pretty much always chose sleep over staying up. Was supposed to go clubbing for my friend's birthday party, and I really wanted to go. But I probably wouldn't have been home til 3am, which would inevitably cause me to wake up early to go into work after some sleep-deprived days. I'd risk making mistakes at work or thinking too slowly at work, which could cause patient harm. Then I'd go home from work and be too tired to meal prep, work out, clean, study, etc. so that day would be wasted. And it'd take prob a few days to correct the 1 night of staying up too late. So i told him wouldnt be able to stay up late for clubbing, and in a way i shocked myself at how unfamiliar this new me is, given how much i loved going out dancing.

The Killers have a special place in my heart because their music transports me back to the middle school version of myself. I listened to Hot Fuss so many times in middle school and the drama spoke to my angsty, emotional, and insecure self. that younger version of me who constantly dreamed about a grander life. When they came to SF, I knew that it'd mean so much to go to their concert; I have this obsession with nostalgia and attaching sentimental significance to certain things so I can commemorate memories and try to relive or reexperience them. (yes i realize that was extremely redundant word choice but idc bc i gotta head into work in a bit.) But I decided with difficulty to miss their concert since I had early morning work the next day.

I have extra special fond memories of NYE in past years- gathering with lots of strangers, dancing, bundled up under thick layers and scarves to ring in the new year. in those moments that you're gathering and celebrating and chanting the last ten seconds of the year out loud in unison with everyone around you, you KNOW you're going to remember those exact moments of revelry and joy for years to come. but i turned down my friend's invitation to celebrate this year because i had work in the morning on New year's day.

These are just some examples of when me in my 20s might have leaned toward going. While I admit the clubbing may have been the pursuit of hedonism as dancing is joy found in a simple act of moving to music and allows me to leave all my worries behind off the dance floor, the concert was more about nostalgia and NYE was more about creating memories. In 2023, there were many other times when I consistently chose over and over again to NOT stay out late. Mainly because I felt an obligation to be responsible for my job. friend invited me to watch a movie that starts at 7pm next Friday--I told him I'll have to sit this one out because idk if i'll even be awake by the end of the movie.

a 7pm movie on a friday evening is too late for me now... welcome to my 30s.

I've recently started to reframe my perspective on getting older. im obviously starting to realize now that I feel way more wrecked on 5 hours of sleep than i used to. body aches appear spontaneously now. the appearance of my body and face is not what it used to be. but im actually really appreciating the present, because i think about how in my 40s I'm going to WISH I could be back in my 30s. And in my 50s I'm going to think man I really had it good in my 40s. So thinking of future me makes me appreciate the body I have today, and I actually feel grateful. I'm quite proud of shifting my perspective because when I was like 28-30 I used to feel miserable about the thought of getting older. I had best fully appreciate this time now, because it will slip away into the past, so I want to savor it all now while Im lucky enough to have it. i will say the weights ive been lifting have been the heaviest theyve ever been, so there are small victories.

My really dear friend is in her 90s and has sciatica. She has been in a lot of pain. But the other day I received a package from her in the mail. She'd sent me pecan pie and cookies. To know that she baked a pie and cookies and packaged them up and shipped them over to me from San Clemente, all despite her sciatica pain, is one of the most meaningful acts of kindness i've received. As i get older I also better understand just how much love is delivered through food. anyone who has cooked and prepared food for me, i realize how much it takes to do that and the abundance of love that is poured into and expressed through food. im so inspired and touched to witness that kindness and am grateful our paths crossed.